#so that its still more inclusive that way

[dawnfelagund]

Back in 2019, I wrote a blog post called The Inequality Prototype. As part of it, I counted a bunch of stuff related to the Valar and looked at how those metrics differed based on gender. At the time, I thought it would be interesting to extend this work over the entire Silmarillion, namely looking at who speaks in the text and who doesn't. For Tolkien Meta Week, I began this work and am collecting my analyses related to it here. It is very much still a work in progress and will likely take me years to complete, but I'm going to post interesting data as I discover it.

This project, like all of my data projects, is available to use under a CC license for others who want to play with the data: View the data | Copy the data | Methodology, progress, etc.

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Dialogue does not occur evenly across The Silmarillion. While a little over 5% of the words in The Silmarillion as a whole are used in dialogue, this is very unevenly distributed across the chapters, with some chapters about half dialogue and six chapters containing no dialogue at all.

There is a lot more work to be done to tease out trends and patterns that might have some meaning, but just glancing at the graph above, some of those patterns do begin to emerge. First, dialogue increases as The Silmarillion progresses. In the second half of the book (calculated by chapter, not page or word count), only two chapters have no dialogue and only four chapters (inclusive of those two without dialogue) fall below the median of 5.3% dialogue. Put another way:

In the first half of chapters, 71% of chapters are below the median.

In the second half of chapters, 29% of chapters are below the median.

Why is this? My tentative theory is that we see the book moving from the realm of the mythic—from events that are passed down through the oral tradition and ancient written traditions—and into the historical, where the narrator has a greater array of sources, including eyewitness testimony, and begins to write with greater immediacy rather than the arm's-length style of myth and ancient history.

What I am curious about: As I dig deeper into these data, will I see this theory bear out in which episodes or characters/groups are granted actual dialogue? In other words, will characters and peoples lost to the mists of time speak less, as I would expect? Or will the type of dialogue (e.g., a formal speech that may have been preserved vs. an extempore conversation that would not) vary based on narrative distance? I have documented in the past that the narrator of The Silmarillion uses the "it is said/told/sung" construction more with characters who are less accessible, so there is evidence that Tolkien manipulated writing style based on what his narrators' access to various sources. Does he use dialogue similarly to communicate that "mythic distance"?

There are also chapters that are more expository in purpose (Valaquenta, "Of Beleriand and Its Realms") that do not contain dialogue. Without digging deeper into the chapters themselves, most of those without dialogue that aren't similarly expository are chapters where the material would be less accessible to Pengolodh as a narrator. Whether this bears added scrutiny remains to be seen!

Finally, in discussing these data on the SWG's Discord, polutropos noticed something interesting, which is that the chapter with the most dialogue—"Of Aulë and Yavanna," where almost 57% of the words of the chapter are given over to dialogue—was not in fact written by Tolkien. As document by Douglas Charles Kane in his book Arda Reconstructed, "This chapter is completely manufactured by Christopher, though using his father's own writings" (page 54). Where Kane usually includes a chart pointing to the source for each bit of The Silmarillion, his chapter on "Of Aulë and Yavanna" contains no such chart because, while he is able to document where ideas came from, Christopher actually wrote the chapter.

Interestingly, "Of the Noldor in Beleriand" is the chapter with the second most dialogue and, according to Kane, "The changes made in this chapter are among the smallest anywhere in the published text" (page 154). So Tolkien does sometimes write dialogue-heavy chapters—though without data to back me up (yet! it's coming!), most of that dialogue appears to come in the form of lengthier speeches, not necessarily the debate/conversation format of Of Aulë and Yavanna."

The biggest impact of the dialogue-heavy "Of Aulë and Yavanna," I suspect, will emerge as I dig more into the data on gender and who speak in The Silmarillion. Yavanna is one of the women who speaks the most in The Silmarillion, but almost all of her dialogue occurs in this chapter. If this chapter is constructed by Christopher, how does that impact the amount of speech women are permitted by Tolkien? Polutropos' observation spurred me to plan to document the source of the various dialogue sections: Are they original to Tolkien's writings or added? Kane, interestingly, is critical of Christopher Tolkien in Arda Reconstructed for what he perceives as Christopher removing women characters from the text. In this instance, we see a significant example of the opposite: a woman's role is not only expanded, but she is given an opportunity to speak.

[pixiefelixie]

𓆝..°°𓈒 ⋆ (필릭스) : REMEMBER THIS SUMMER "MONDAY"

𓆉 °°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･ synopsis felix is living the summer every teenager dreams of, with a perfect beach house on the east coast of australia and an even more perfect girlfriend. by taking the best of both worlds, felix invites her to experience the world he grew up in to make this the best summer ever. amidst bonfires, romantic sunsets, and seagulls, felix has one goal this summer: to finally tell her he loves her. with just one week to do so, felix is met with a challenge to make his feelings known before time runs out. 

pairing: nonidol!felix x fem!reader, series warnings: felix + reader are intended to be 17-18, established relationship, fluff, underaged drinking at a bonfire/party, use of "chink" please read below, borderline violence due to influence under alcohol important notes: The content of this work is purely fictional and is not intended to endorse or encourage any behavior, especially among minors, that may be deemed inappropriate or unsafe. This story is created solely for entertainment purposes and should be understood as fiction. This work includes the use of a racial slur, which is solely included for the purpose of the story and to reflect certain character dynamics or societal issues. It does not represent my personal views or beliefs, nor does it come from the characters of Felix or the reader. As an Asian author, I approach this topic with sensitivity and awareness. The inclusion of such language is not intended to perpetuate harm but rather to portray the realities faced by marginalized communities. Reader discretion is advised.

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chapter under the cut! ~11k words

the next morning, you woke up in the guest room you were staying in, the sun beaming through the large windows. the room was bathed in a warm, golden light, making the white walls and light blue accents glow softly. you could hear the faint sound of the ocean waves crashing against the shore in the distance and the air was filled with the fresh scent of morning dew.

you sat up and looked at your phone for the time. it was still early, but the sun was making its presence known. you plopped back down, and after a few moments of basking in the morning light, you decided to get up. slipping on your fluffy slippers, you headed out of your room to freshen up.

a quick rinse of your face, a good teeth brushing, and a refreshing shower later, you felt fully awake. you brushed through your still-damp hair, deciding to leave it to dry naturally. the humid summer air always seemed to coax out the soft waves in your hair. besides, you loved the effortless look the season gave you—tanned skin from those first few weeks of summer, a natural glow that didn’t need much enhancement.

you curled your lashes, swiped on a bit of tinted lip balm, and stepped back to check the mirror. that was all you needed. summer was kind like that: minimal effort, maximum payoff. your skin had that sun-kissed warmth, and your hair had a life of its own, perfectly undone in a way you couldn’t replicate any other time of year. you smiled at yourself, satisfied, and headed out to see where the morning would take you.

once you got back to your room, you rummaged through your suitcase and picked out an outfit: a pair of frayed denim shorts and a flowy floral top with soft pink and yellow hues. the combo was light, breezy, and perfect for the warm day ahead. just as you were putting your necklace on, a knock sounded at the door.

"come in," you called.

the door creaked open to reveal felix, and you had to bite back a laugh. his hair was a complete disaster—wild tufts sticking up every which way, as if he'd had an argument with his pillow all night and lost. he stood there, bleary-eyed, wearing nothing but a pair of red plaid pajama pants slung low on his hips. his chest rose and fell with the kind of lazy rhythm that only came with someone who wasn’t fully awake yet. his squinting eyes barely adjusted to the golden morning light streaming in from your windows.

"look at you!" you teased, unable to resist pulling out your phone and snapping a quick picture of his morning look.

felix groaned dramatically, running a hand through his already messy hair in a failed attempt to tame it. "why are you like this?" he mumbled, shuffling across the room like a grumpy toddler before collapsing face-first onto your bed. "can i sleep here?" he muttered into your pillow, his voice muffled.

you perched on the edge of the bed, brushing a strand of damp hair behind your ear. "what's wrong?"

"a pigeon keeps pecking at my window," he grumbled, dragging your blanket over his bare shoulders like a makeshift cocoon.

"a pigeon?" you repeated, already laughing.

"seagull, same thing," he muttered sleepily, burrowing deeper into the covers like he was trying to merge with your bed. after a moment, he inhaled deeply and let out a content sigh. "and the bed smells like you," he said softly, his hand reaching out blindly until it found yours. he gave it a light squeeze before letting his arm fall limply back onto the mattress.

your chest tightened at the sweetness of it. smiling, you reached out to brush his hair, the strands soft between your fingers despite the chaos. "my mom wanted us to get bagels this morning," he said, his face still buried in your pillow. "they only have the good ones in the morning," he mumbled, the words barely decipherable but completely serious, like he was delivering some sacred bagel truth.

"then we better go," you said, laughing softly.

felix groaned again, this time flipping over onto his back, the blanket now tangled around his waist. he looked up at you through half-lidded eyes, a lazy smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth. "not yet," he murmured, his voice low and rough with sleep. “come on, lay with me for a minute," he said, patting the empty spot beside him.

"felix," you said, rolling your eyes.

he waved a dismissive hand, his biceps flexing ever so slightly. "my mom will survive. it’s not like they’re gonna run out in the next five minutes." his smirk widened as his eyes flicked over to you. "seriously, come here. the bed’s big enough, and i’m a fantastic pillow. multi-purpose, really."

you crossed your arms, arching a brow. "you’re ridiculous."

"just for a minute,” he stretched his arms over his head, showing just enough of his abs to make it clear he wasn’t playing fair. "the bed’s warm. and you’re cold."

"i’m not cold," you said, shaking your head as you grabbed a pillow and lightly smacked it against his chest. "get moving, felix," you shot back, already heading toward the door before he could say anything else to make your face heat up.

as you neared the dock of his family’s beach, the sight of their boat came into view. it was a sleek, white vessel with blue trim, bobbing gently in the water. felix led the way, his hand still holding yours, guiding you with ease.

“i got you,” he said, stepping onto the boat first, the wood creaking slightly under his weight. he turned back, extending a hand to you. you took it, feeling the strength of his grip as you jumped in, the boat rocking slightly once again.

felix helped you steady yourself, and guided you to a seat beside him as he made his way to the helm. the boat’s interior was polished and tidy, with cushioned seats and a small table in the centre. you sat down, feeling the coolness of the white leather seat beneath you.

he started the engine, the low hum of the motor blending with the sounds of the sea. the boat began to glide smoothly across the water, the wind whipping through your hair. you watched as felix expertly maneuvered the boat, his hands steady on the wheel. the sun reflected off the water, casting shimmering patterns on the boat’s deck.

felix turned to you with a smile, his eyes sparkling with excitement. you couldn’t help but smile back, the wind tugging at your hair and filling your lungs with the salty scent of the sea. his goofy side always comes out when he was driving the boat. he leaned into the turns with exaggerated movements, pretending to be a race car driver.

“hold on tight!” felix shouted, his voice barely audible over the rush of wind and waves. he accelerated, the boat picking up speed and bouncing over the water. you grabbed the edge of your seat, as he sent sprays of water into the air, the droplets sparkling like diamonds in the sunlight.

“having fun?” he called out, but his words were lost in the wind. you furrowed your brow, unable to hear him clearly.

“what?” you shouted back, leaning in to try and catch his words. he repeated himself, but the wind still swallowed his voice. determined to understand, you moved closer, bringing your face just inches from his. felix laughed at your proximity, his eyes crinkling at the corners.

before you could ask again, he couldn't help but take that chance to kiss you, his lips warm and firm against yours. you pulled back with a grin, playfully swatting his arm. “focus!” you said, laughing.

felix chuckled, his eyes never leaving the water as he steadied the boat. “i asked if you're having fun,” he repeated, louder this time.

“yeah!” you replied, your voice just as loud to compete with the wind. felix gave a satisfied nod, his eyes twinkling with a mischievous glint.

without thinking twice, you jumped up from your seat and made your way to the open area in the bow of the boat. felix watched with amusement as you raised your hands in the air and let out a loud "whoo!" that echoed across the ocean.

the wind tousled your hair as you embraced the thrill of the moment, the salty breeze tingling against your skin. as you passed by another boat, its wake created a larger wave, causing you to squeal in surprise. you stumbled slightly as the boat rocked, testing your balance and felix's laughter bubbled up as he saw you teeter for a moment, but you managed to steady yourself, grinning widely despite the near slip.

you then reached into your pocket and pulled out your trusty digital camera. with a mischievous grin, you skipped back to felix and aimed the camera backwards towards both of you.

you pressed a kiss to felix's cheek for the photo and he posed with a big beaming smile, his eyes crinkling at the corners, captured in the frame. as you lowered the camera and looked back at the photo on the small screen, a gasp escaped your lips which felix could easily guess meant you were happy with it.

as you looked up from the camera, the harbour came into view like something out of a postcard. rows of boats rocked gently in the sparkling blue water, their masts swaying in time with the soft waves. the docks were lined with weathered wooden planks, and colourful flags fluttered in the breeze, adding splashes of vibrant reds, yellows, and blues to the scene. small pastel-painted shops and cozy waterfront cafés dotted the shoreline, their signs advertising fresh seafood, ice cream, and souvenirs. overhead, seagulls circled lazily, their sharp cries blending with the hum of conversation and the occasional bark of a distant dog.

felix eased the boat to a slower pace, the engine's hum softening as he steered with practiced precision. his hand rested on the wheel, his posture relaxed yet focused. he glanced over at you, the corners of his lips tugging into a small, confident smile. “alright,” he said, gesturing towards the front of the boat. “you see the anchor up at the bow?”

your eyes followed his motion, spotting the anchor coiled neatly near the edge. “mmhm,” you said with a nod.

“i want you to grab it and take it to the edge. when i say ‘drop it,’ you let it go slow. don’t just chuck it, alright? you want it to catch, not tangle.”

“yes sir,” you said, suppressing a grin at his serious tone.

with careful steps, you moved to the bow, the anchor feeling heavier than you expected as you lifted it. felix slowed the boat further, adjusting the wheel slightly as he glanced over his shoulder to make sure you were ready. “alright, now. lower it nice and steady.”

you crouched down and eased the anchor into the water, feeling its weight pull gently against your grip as the chain unraveled. the boat gave a soft tug as the anchor caught, settling it into place. “great job,” felix said from behind you, his tone warm. “now come back here.”

as you returned to your seat, felix hopped out of the boat with effortless ease, the dock creaking softly under his weight. he bent down and grabbed the rope, securing it to a nearby cleat with a twist and loop. straightening up, he looked back at you and extended a hand. “your turn,” he said, his voice teasing. “come on, before you fall in and i have to fish you out.”

“funny,” you muttered, rolling your eyes and taking his hand. his grip was strong but careful as he helped you step onto the dock, your feet finding the sturdy planks beneath you.

“nice, isn’t it?” he asked, glancing around with an easy grin. the sun caught on the streaks of gold in his hair, and his eyes reflected the deep blue of the water.

“it’s beautiful,” you replied softly, taking in the bustling harbour again. the air was alive with the sound of children laughing and the clinking of glasses from a nearby café patio. a pair of kids ran past you, their flip-flops slapping against the wood, and you couldn’t help but smile at the carefree energy of it all.

felix gave your hand a gentle squeeze, his touch grounding. “come on,” he said, leading you down the dock with a laid-back confidence, his fingers still loosely intertwined with yours. as the two of you walked, the scent of saltwater mingled with the tempting aroma of fresh bread and coffee, making you feel like you’d stepped into a perfect summer day.

as you continued walking along the dock, the bagel shop came into view, a quaint little place with a sea blue and white striped awning that fluttered gently in the breeze. the windows were adorned with hand-painted signs advertising fresh bagels, coffee, and house-made spreads. the aroma of freshly baked bread spilled into the street, mingling with the salty tang of the ocean air.

the inside of the shop was just as charming as the outside. rustic wooden tables were scattered around, their surfaces polished smooth from years of use. a chalkboard menu hung above the counter, listing the day’s offerings in looping white script. the display case beneath it was packed with three types of bagels—everything, blueberry, and cinnamon raisin—alongside trays of pastries glistening with sugar glazes and bowls of spreads.

the place wasn’t busy yet, so you and felix went straight up to the counter. behind it stood a girl about your age, her blonde hair pulled into a neat braid that highlighted her delicate features. when her eyes landed on your boyfriend, they lit up like fireworks, her entire face breaking into a radiant smile.

“oh my gosh, is that felix?” she exclaimed, her voice carrying a bubbly excitement that seemed to fill the shop.

felix offered her a polite smile as he replied, “good day.”

the girl leaned forward slightly, resting her hands on the counter as she beamed at him. “when did you get in?” she asked, her enthusiasm unmistakable.

“we drove down yesterday morning,” felix said, glancing at the menu.

“wow, it’s so good to have you back!” she gushed, her words tumbling out like she couldn’t get them fast enough. 

“how’s the store been this summer?” he asked.

“busy, busy, like every year,” she replied. “you know how it gets when the tourists roll in. but it’s been good. we’ve had a lot of regulars come in lately, which is nice.”

“nice,” felix nodded, his fingers tapping absentmindedly on the counter. 

she paused for a second, glancing toward the sea. “there’s a new pastry shop that just opened up a couple of streets over,” she said, her expression turning a little more serious. “they’re getting a lot of attention, to be honest. the line’s been out the door every morning, and i’m not sure what’s drawing people in, but they’re definitely pulling a crowd.”

felix raised an eyebrow. “sheesh,” he murmured, shaking his head slightly. “competition getting fierce, huh?”

“yeah,” she said with a half-smile, but there was a glimmer of pride in her eyes. “i mean, it’s good for the neighborhood, right? more foot traffic, more people coming through. but it does make things interesting, that’s for sure.”

felix laughed softly, leaning back a little. “i get that.” he shrugged.

“we try our best to keep the locals happy. you know, there’s gonna be a bonfire tonight a couple hundred metres from your house. i still remember how much you and chris loved them last year.” she smiled at the memory, her tone softening just a bit. “how is he, by the way?”

chris had been felix's family friend since they were toddlers, and you knew him as an incredibly nice guy. felix often told you stories about how he used to think chris and his friends were so much older and cooler. even when felix was still in elementary school and chris had already entered secondary school, he often invited felix to hang out with him. there was always a hint of admiration in felix’s voice when he talked about those days, like chris had been more of an older brother than just a friend.

“he’s doing great,” felix replied with an easy grin, leaning his elbow on the counter. “i don’t think he’s coming this year, though. he’s off to college this fall, so he’s had a lot going on.”

“that’s a shame,” she said, her expression faltering for just a second before brightening again. “but you could bring…” her gaze slid to you, the pause deliberate.

felix didn’t miss a beat. “of course,” he said smoothly, stating your name like it was the most natural thing in the world.

her smile stayed in place, but her eyes flicked over you quickly, assessing. there was something in her look—friendly, but maybe a touch too curious. “great. i hope you both can make it,” she said, her tone as cheerful as ever.

“we’ll see,” felix replied noncommittally, already turning his attention to the bagels. “can we get a dozen, please?”

“sure thing,” she said, tapping the order into the register. “anything else?”

“that’s all,” felix said, pulling out his wallet and handing over a crisp bill.

“coming right up,” she chirped, flashing another bright smile before moving to prepare the order.

as she turned away, felix rested his hand lightly on your back, the warmth of his palm steady and grounding. “let’s go over here,” he murmured, steering you toward a quiet spot by the window. 

felix leaned in closer, his voice dropping to a quieter tone, the teasing edge softening just a little. "can i be honest with you?" he asked, his eyes locking with yours in that way that made your pulse quicken. you nodded, the corners of your lips lifting in curiosity, wondering where this was going.

his hand brushed over his face, clearly hesitant. "i… i did not know her name," he confessed, his voice laced with embarrassment.

you blinked, trying to make sense of it. "wait—what?" you laughed, a little incredulous. "are you serious right now?"

"i’m not joking!" felix said with a self-deprecating laugh. "i’ve always just called her 'the bagel girl,'" he explained, his voice tinged with a hint of disbelief, as if it was still a bit ridiculous to him. "and it wasn’t even that i didn’t care enough to remember her name," he added quickly, his face turning a little red. "it’s just... i don’t know if it never came up."

you raised an eyebrow, the wheels turning in your mind. "so, how come she knows your name?" you asked, a little amused. "it must have come up before.?"

felix shifted uncomfortably, his hands slipping into his pockets. "well," he began, looking down for a moment before meeting your gaze, "last year my friend told me she was into me, and i guess she figured it out from, you know, caring so much." he smirked.

felix shifted uncomfortably, his hands slipping into his pockets as he tried to avoid your teasing gaze. "well," he began, glancing down for a moment before looking back up at you, "last year my friend told me she was into me, and i guess she figured it out from, you know, caring so much." he smirked, as if the idea of someone caring about him in that way amused him.

"no wonder you were so flirty just then," you teased, leaning in slightly with a playful grin. "you definitely wanted her to eat it up, didn’t you? you dick."

felix immediately turned red, and his eyes widened in offense. "i did not!" he protested, throwing his hands up as if to defend his honor.

you laughed, nudging him. "it’s normal, felix. we’ve all done it before." you said.

felix let out a dramatic sigh, leaning back a little. "believe what you want," he said with a casual shrug, but there was still that teasing glint in his eye. "i was just being felix. nothing more to it."

still, you decided to piss him off further. "i don’t blame you though," you said, crossing your arms. "i mean, if i knew a girl like that liked me, i’d probably do the same."

felix’s face flushed deeper, and he opened his mouth to respond, but the words caught in his throat. his voice dropped, almost uncertain. "i... i don’t..." he stuttered, trying to find the words to explain himself but failing. he wanted to deny it, to say something flippant like he always did, but something felt different now. he wanted to tell you that you were the only girl he found strikingly beautiful, that no one else had made him feel the way you did. but something inside him held back, just like it had last night.

“you know,” he started, his voice more serious now, “i’m not saying this to brag or anything…” he glanced at you, making sure you were listening. “but this is what it was like last year,” he said, a small sigh escaping his lips. “it’s like... after i got abs, everyone suddenly noticed me.”

you raised an eyebrow, your tone light but curious. “interesting,” you said.

"before, it was chris and felix. like i was always following him around," he continued, his voice softer now, almost as if he were thinking out loud. "he was always the older one, the one who got the attention, you know? and then, last year, it was like everyone just realized i was there. like i had always been welcomed, but suddenly i wasn’t just chris’s little buddy anymore. people started looking at me differently. it was... strange.”

he shrugged, a small, almost self-deprecating smile playing at the corners of his lips, but there was a hint of uncertainty behind his words. "i guess that’s just how things go. i didn't really know how to handle it at first. it felt kind of weird, like i didn't belong in the spotlight, you know?"

the silence between you stretched for a moment as you processed his words. you could see the vulnerability in his eyes, the hesitation that lingered around his smile. it was rare for him to open up like this, and it felt like he was finally letting you see a side of him that wasn’t just the teasing felix you usually saw.

"i get that," you said, in an attempt to comfort him. "you don’t want to feel like you’re getting noticed because you’ve grown or look better. it’s hard when everyone suddenly sees you differently." you placed a hand gently on his arm, offering him a comforting squeeze. "but you’re more than that. you always have been. and people should notice you for who you are, not just how you look."

felix looked down at the ground for a moment, then met your gaze, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips. "yeah," he murmured, his voice soft. "i guess that’s why you’re special." he let out a quiet chuckle, his eyes twinkling as he crinkled his nose. "you first started liking me—back in physics, right? i mean, come on, keep in mind i had a full shirt on." he grinned, his tone teasing but affectionate. “that’s gotta mean something." he added the last part with a playful smirk.

"i think it was your charm and persuasion," you said with a teasing smile. "you always tricked me into thinking you knew what you were talking about, when you had no idea."

felix raised an eyebrow, a grin creeping back onto his face. "you're right," he admitted with a dramatic sigh. "physics was definitely not my strong suit."

you laughed, nodding knowingly. "whenever i’d ask you for help, you’d give these long-winded answers and sound so confident, but i could always tell you were just making it up."

felix groaned, dropping his head back dramatically. "stop," he whined, looking up at you with an exaggerated pout. "i just really liked you, okay?"

you smiled softly, nodding as you met his gaze. "i did too," you admitted, your voice quiet but sincere. "you were always so...felix. and even when you didn’t have all the answers, you somehow made everything feel like it was gonna be okay." the sincerity in your voice made his heart flutter. "but i should say, though, the summer crowd does get a view," you teased.

felix's breath hitched as your fingers toyed with the bottom hem of his shirt, the soft fabric slipping between your fingertips. his usual cocky confidence was slipping, and for a moment, you could see the rawness in his expression. he desperately wanted to stay calm but you had him completely off balance. his eyes darted between your hand and your face, but the words didn't come easily. he was so close now, his chest rising and falling in shallow breaths, like he was trying to contain the tension building between you.

you looked up at him, your eyes locking. in that moment, there was no pretending, no distractions. felix’s mind was clearly racing—she’s killing me—you could practically hear it. his gaze lingered on your lips, the smallest hesitation before his eyes met yours again.

“so,” he began, his voice hushed, almost strained. “about that bonfire…”

he trailed off, his words barely more than a whisper, and you could tell he was using it as a distraction. but it didn’t work. felix leaned in just a fraction closer, his body drawn to you like a magnet, but stopping him right before he closed the distance.

“i’m up for it unless you have anything else planned,” you said, your voice light but with an edge. your fingers still brushed over the collar of his shirt, teasing, the touch barely there but enough to keep him riled up. “i’ll go wherever you go,” you murmured. you saw the way his pupils dilated, the shift in his expression that told you everything you needed to know. he was losing the battle.

“oh yeah?” felix whispered, his voice low and husky now. he leaned in slightly, just close enough that you could feel the warmth radiating off him. he was dangerously close now, his lips just centimeters from yours.

but just as your eyes fluttered closed, just as you both inched forward—bam—the sound of a cheerful voice broke the spell, slicing through the electric air between you two.

“here you go!” the bagel girl’s voice rang out, sweet and carefree, as she reappeared with your order in hand. "a dozen, just as you ordered!"

felix froze, his eyes snapping open, and breaking whatever spell you put him under just now. he turned to the bagel girl with a grateful smile, though his expression was a little less natural now. "thanks a lot," he said, the words sounding a little rushed. "we’ll see you tonight."

you stood there for a moment, fighting the smirk that wanted to creep onto your face. felix rubbed the back of his neck, still visibly affected, and shot you a quick, sheepish glance.

day 2 - 22:00

"one... two... three..." you muttered, shifting your weight as you adjusted your angle with each count. you had to lean back just enough to get a better view of the bird's nest on the rooftop, but the night sky above made everything appear blurry and shadowed. the darkness seemed to swallow up the delicate nest, making it harder to see than you'd expected. "they're all here!" you exclaimed with a sigh of relief, your heart settling as you spotted the large eggs nestled safely inside the woven twigs. "now, please put me down."

felix let out a soft chuckle, the sound warm and familiar. he crouched down slightly, slowly lowering you until your feet touched the ground. "my parents should be done packing and ready to leave by now," he said, brushing his hands off and standing up straight with a satisfied stretch.

"let's go say goodbye," you replied, taking his hand in yours. the cool night air had a quiet stillness, and the weight of the moment seemed to settle over you as you gently pulled him toward the house, your fingers laced tightly with his.

inside, the house was bustling in a quiet sort of way. the living room was dotted with two carefully packed suitcases, bags filled with travel essentials, and little signs of the last-minute preparations that always seemed to rush by. felix's mom stood by the couch, smoothing out a stack of clothing, her hair pulled back in a loose ponytail. she looked up as you entered, her face lighting up with a smile that was soft and welcoming. "there you two are! did you have a good time outside?" she asked, her voice gentle as always.

"yeah, we did," felix replied with a grin, giving your hand a soft squeeze. "all the baby birds are accounted for."

"that's wonderful," his mom said, her eyes sparkling with that ever-present twinkle of fondness. "you know, we’re getting a lot of crows this season. they’ve been very active around here."

felix's dad, who had been checking something on his phone, looked up and raised an eyebrow. "they might go after those gull eggs you two are so interested in," he warned with a playful glint in his eyes. "watch out for them, they like to come out in the rain."

felix’s mom smiled, shaking her head as she gave him a small push. "we should stop scaring them, dear," she said with a soft laugh. "we have a flight to catch."

you smiled warmly at them both, feeling the pang of saying goodbye. "have a fantastic trip!" you said, your voice filled with genuine warmth.

felix’s mom pulled you into a tight, affectionate hug, the kind that felt like home. "thank you," she said softly, kissing the top of your head before pulling back. "take care of each other while we're gone."

"thanks for trusting me," he said, his voice thick with emotion, the usual bravado in his tone replaced by something softer, almost fragile.

his mom responded first, her voice warm and reassuring as she gave him a tight squeeze. "we love you," she said.

felix’s dad clapped him on the back firmly. he leaned in, his voice low and meant only for his son. “she’s great, felix,” he said. “i’m proud of you.”

you didn’t catch the words, choosing to hang back near the door, giving them their moment. felix didn’t respond right away, but you caught the soft smile that crept onto his face, the way his eyes seemed to brighten just slightly as he held the hug a little longer. "i know," he murmured back, his voice quiet but sure.

finally, they pulled apart. felix’s dad adjusted his coat, clearing his throat as if to steady himself. “the house is stocked up,” he said in a firmer voice, slipping back into his practical role. “but make sure to buy whatever you need from the market.”

“thank you, dad,” felix replied, his smile now playful and easy again. “we’ll be fine.”

with one last round of hugs and warm smiles, his parents picked up their luggage and headed toward the door. you and felix followed, standing in the entryway as they wheeled their suitcases down the front steps. the yellow taxi idled at the curb, its engine humming softly in the night. his parents exchanged a few final words before the driver helped them load their bags into the trunk.

you and felix stayed on the porch as the taxi pulled away, its red tail lights glowing faintly against the darkened road. the engine hummed louder as it sped up, then grew quieter, the car shrinking into the distance until it disappeared around the corner. the stillness it left behind felt almost too big, wrapping around the two of you in the silence of the night.

felix exhaled, a sound that was part sigh, part laugh, and stuffed his hands into his pockets. he glanced at you, his expression unreadable for a moment, before a small, genuine smile curved his lips. "well," he said, his voice light, though you could still hear the lingering weight of the goodbye, "guess it’s just us now."

you didn’t answer, your eyes still fixed on the spot where the taxi had disappeared. the quiet around you felt heavy, like the world had gone still and was waiting for something to happen. your chest felt tight, your mind replaying the moment felix’s dad had mentioned the ravens. you knew it had been a harmless comment, maybe even a joke, but the thought of the birds... it clung to you.

felix tilted his head slightly, his brow furrowing as he studied your face. “you okay?” he asked softly, breaking the silence. he reached out, his hand warm and steady as it rested lightly on yours.

you blinked, realizing you hadn’t moved, your fingers stiff and cold in his. “me? yeah,” you said, your voice a little too quick, a little too high. “um… i’m just a little shaken up.”

felix didn’t pull back, his hand staying where it was, grounding you. “by what?” he asked, his voice calm and patient, like he had all the time in the world for your answer.

you hesitated, feeling a little ridiculous now that you had to say it out loud. “the crows,” you admitted finally, your words barely above a whisper. “i don’t know.”

felix blinked in surprise before his lips quirked into a crooked smile. “yeah, crows. guess we’ll just have to keep an eye out for them, huh?”

“yeah,” you said quietly, your lips twitching into a faint smile. the tension in your shoulders eased slightly, and you glanced at him, grateful for his calm presence. “should we go?”

“bagel girl said it’s walking distance from here. i’ve got a pretty good idea where it is,” he replied, as he stepped toward the edge of the porch.

you followed him, the soft creak of the old wooden boards beneath your feet breaking the quiet of the night. the porch light flickered slightly, casting a warm but uneven glow over the small front yard. felix hopped down the steps first, his sneakers crunching softly against the gravel path that led to the street. then you stepped off the porch, your boots scuffing against the gravel as you caught up to felix.

as you walked, the tranquil stillness of the evening began to shift. at first, it was barely noticeable—a faint vibration beneath your feet that made you pause for a moment, thinking it might just be the rhythm of your own footsteps. but then, as you continued, the sound grew louder, more distinct. the soft thudding transformed into a steady, rhythmic beat, resonating in your chest like the pulse of something alive.

“do you hear that?” you asked, squeezing felix’s hand lightly as you looked up at him.

he nodded, his eyes glinting with curiosity, and a grin spread across his face. “yeah. sounds like we’re close.”

the further you walked, the more the sound surrounded you, enveloping the quiet of the night. the bass grew stronger, its deep thrum underscored by the hum of voices and the occasional burst of laughter. the noise wasn’t chaotic; it was inviting, like a distant melody calling you forward.

turning a corner, the source of the sound finally came into view. a large bonfire burned brightly in the center of a clearing, its golden flames licking up toward the dark sky. the fire cast flickering shadows over the faces of the crowd gathered around it, making their features seem almost otherworldly in the dancing light. warmth radiated outward, pushing back the coolness of the night and wrapping around you like an embrace.

the scent of burning wood filled the air, mingling with the briny tang of the sea breeze that drifted in from somewhere close by. waves crashed faintly in the distance, their rhythm syncing with the beat of the music. strings of fairy lights were strung haphazardly between trees, their soft glow adding a touch of magic to the scene. laughter rippled through the group as someone poked at the fire with a long stick, sending sparks spiraling upward like tiny, golden fireworks.

as you approached, your attention was drawn to a guy frantically wrestling with a beer keg near the edge of the crowd. the poor guy was losing a battle against the tap, beer squirting out in all directions as his hands slipped against the slick surface. his muttering, a mix of frustration and colorful language, carried over the music. every few seconds, he’d glance around like he was hoping someone—anyone—would step in to help.

you couldn’t help it—you turned to felix, stifling a laugh behind your hand. the sight was just too funny. “do you see that?”

felix followed your gaze and grinned, shaking his head. “that’s griffin sanders. he’s a total dumbass,” he said with a chuckle, his voice full of fond exasperation, like this wasn’t even the first time he’d witnessed something like this.

you laughed, the sound light as you both made your way deeper into the crowd. the bonfire was the heart of the gathering, its flames throwing warm, golden light over everything and everyone. the air was thick with the mingling scents of wood smoke, spilled beer, and salty sea air. laughter and music filled the space, the bassline vibrating faintly under your feet.

as you moved through the group, heads turned. felix, it seemed, was a familiar face. a few guys nodded at him in greeting, calling out quick, friendly remarks as you passed. but it was the way some of the girls reacted that caught your attention. their expressions lit up when they spotted him—bright eyes, wide smiles—but the moment they noticed you walking beside him, their enthusiasm dimmed. smiles faltered, and they glanced away quickly, feigning disinterest as if they hoped you hadn’t seen. you had seen, though, and you didn’t quite know how to feel about it.

felix didn’t seem to notice—or if he did, he didn’t let on. he navigated the crowd with ease, leading you toward a quieter spot near the bonfire. the logs arranged in a loose circle around the flames were worn smooth from use, and you both found a place to sit. the fire crackled, its warmth wrapping around you in gentle waves. flames leapt and twisted, their vibrant hues of orange and red mesmerizing against the backdrop of the dark sky.

the same guy who was fighting with the keg strolled up. felix looked up, his posture shifting slightly as recognition flickered across his face.

“it’s been a while, felix,” the guy said, his voice loud enough to cut through the surrounding noise. “looks like you brought a girl from sydney?”

felix smirked, gesturing toward you. “yeah, this is my girlfriend.”

“nice to meet you,” the guy said, turning his attention to you with a wink. “you can call me griff. so, how are you liking the beach, love?”

“it’s great,” you said, shifting slightly on the log. you glanced at felix for a moment before returning your attention to griff. “really beautiful. the kind of place that makes you forget about time, you know?”

griff laughed, the sound loud and boisterous. “spoken like someone who’s already been caught up in its charm. it’s what this place does to people. one minute you’re here for a weekend, and the next, you’re house-hunting.”

felix chuckled softly, “she’s not moving in just yet, griff. but thanks for the sales pitch.”

griff waved a dismissive hand, his grin unwavering. “give it time, mate. she’s a keeper—you can tell.” before you could respond, he thrust a red plastic cup full of beer against felix’s chest. “here, i thought you might appreciate this.”

felix hesitated, his hand hovering near the cup but not taking it. “i, um…”

“come on, man. you used to drink all the time at these things,” griffin said, his tone a mix of coaxing and teasing.

you glanced at felix, your eyebrows drawing together. you’d never known him to drink—not once. your confusion must have shown on your face because felix glanced at you, his expression softening as if he could read the questions in your eyes.

“i’m actually good, thanks, griff,” felix said, his voice firm but polite. he shifted slightly on the log, leaning forward as if to place the cup back in griff’s hands.

“come on, felix. just one,” griffin persisted, waving off the refusal like it was nothing. “it’s only, like, two percent.”

felix sighed, a quiet exhale of resignation. you could tell he didn’t want to cause a scene. “you know what? i’ll take it for now,” he said, reluctantly taking the cup.

“that’s my boy,” griffin said, grinning as he clapped felix on the arm, the motion so aggressive it made felix wince slightly. he smiled awkwardly, clearly ready for the interaction to end. but griff’s attention shifted to you next.

“and i’m definitely getting one for you,” griffin said, his grin widening. before you could protest, he was already jogging back toward the keg, weaving through the crowd with agility. you exchanged a look with felix, who rolled his eyes slightly, his lips curving into a lopsided smile. 

within moments, griff was back, holding a freshly poured cup of beer. he placed it at your feet with a flourish, his grin as wide as ever. before you could say a word, a girl called his name—a sharp shout that made him turn. “duty calls,” he said, raising his hand in a quick goodbye. “don’t be strangers, yeah?”

both your eyes followed him as he disappeared into the crowd. felix let out a breath and glanced at you, a faint crease forming between his brows. his lips pressed into a sheepish half-smile, like he was trying to downplay his discomfort. “i’ve only ever drank like…a few times. last year. he’s making a bigger deal out of this than it needs to be.”

you shook your head, offering a small, reassuring smile. “no, no, it’s fine. really. i don’t mind.” then, your gaze dropped to the red cup, sitting upright in the sand like a lonely monument to peer pressure. “it’s just… what do i do with this?” you added, nudging it lightly with your shoe.

felix followed your gaze, his shoulders relaxing a little. “like he said, it’s only 2 percent,” he said. then, before you could reply, he lifted the cup in his hand up to his mouth and downed all of it in one smooth motion.

you raised an eyebrow, a playful smirk tugging at your lips. “okay, mister. i guess you’re having mine too.” without waiting for a response, you picked up your untouched cup and handed it to him.

felix chuckled, his laughter low and rich, shaking his head as he took it from you. “if you insist,” he said, his tone light, teasing. he lifted your cup to his lips and began to drink again. the liquid sloshed slightly against the rim as he tilted his head back, the firelight cast golden shadows across his face, catching the faint crease between his brows and the sharp angles of his jaw.

you shouldn’t be finding him this hot right now, but you couldn’t help it. it was the way his eyebrows furrowed in concentration, like he was making serious business with the beer. the way his adam’s apple bobbed up and down each time he swallowed. he finished with a final gulp, lowering the cup and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand in one smooth motion.

completely unaware that you’d been watching him, he set the cup down in the sand and glanced at you. when he noticed you staring, he paused, his head tilting slightly. “what?” he asked, his voice breaking the quiet.

you blinked, startled out of your thoughts. “what?” you echoed.

his brows furrowed again, but this time in confusion, his gaze searching your face. “you’re looking at me like i have two heads or something.”

you blinked at him, a playful glint in your eye as you tilted your head. “is that a problem?” you asked, your tone light but teasing.

felix’s lips quirked into a smirk, his eyes narrowing slightly in that mischievous way that always made your heart race. “no,” he said, his voice low and smooth. “i like it.”

the way he looked at you then, his gaze lingering on your lips, sent a flutter through your chest. his expression softened just a touch, his smirk fading into something more vulnerable. the space between you seemed to shrink, the crackle of the fire fading into the background as the world blurred into just him.

you felt a magnetic pull, as though some invisible thread was drawing you closer to him. slowly, you leaned in, your eyes fluttering shut as your heart thudded loudly in your chest. felix mirrored your movement, his breath warm against your skin as he closed the gap.

just as your lips were about to meet, a loud, sharp explosion rang out—a loud burst of sound coming from the sky so sudden it made you jump. your eyes snapped open, and you turned your head quickly toward the source, your pulse racing.

before you could process what had happened, felix’s hand slid gently to your chin, his touch warm and firm as he guided your face back toward him. “don’t worry about that,” he murmured, his voice husky and low. his gaze locked onto yours, his expression intense and unyielding.

and then, without hesitation, he kissed you.

the force of it sent a jolt through your body, his lips pressing against yours with a fervent hunger that left no room for doubt. it wasn’t soft like usual—it was demanding, like he’d been holding himself back all night and had finally given in. his hand remained on your chin, tilting your face toward him as he deepened the kiss, his other hand sliding to the small of your back to pull you closer.

your mind swirled, the rest of the world dissolving in the heat of his touch. his lips moved against yours with a rhythm that was both urgent and deliberate, his need for you evident in every motion. 

his kiss deepened, parting your lips, and his tongue slid in, tasting of the faint, tangy bitterness of the beer he’d just consumed. the flavor mingled with the heat of his mouth, intoxicating in a way that had nothing to do with the drink. his hands found your waist, firm and steady, pulling you closer until there was no space left between you. the pressure of his lips against yours was urgent, almost desperate, as if he couldn’t get enough of you, and the sensation sent a shiver racing down your spine.

you kissed him back with equal fervor, your fingers threading through the soft strands of his hair, tugging just enough to make him groan softly against your mouth. the sound was low and raw, vibrating between you like an unspoken promise. your body molded into his, heat radiating from him in waves that seemed to melt away the cool night air.

another loud explosion cracked through the sky, the sound reverberating in your chest and pulling you from the haze of the kiss. reluctantly, you broke apart, your breaths coming in quick, shallow bursts. felix’s lips lingered on yours for a fraction of a second longer, like he wasn’t quite ready to let go. his eyes fluttered open, dark and heavy with desire, as you both turned your heads toward the sky.

above, a firework burst in a brilliant cascade of color, its reds and golds spreading out like veins of light against the dark canvas of the night. the shimmering display reflected faintly in felix’s eyes, adding to the glow that already seemed to emanate from him.

but as you stared in awe, felix leaned back slightly, his gaze fixed not on the fireworks but on you. “see?” he murmured. “it’s not that interesting.”

you turned your gaze back to him, your chest still heaving slightly from the kiss, and swallowed hard, the reality of what just happened settling over you. your lips tingled from the intensity, and the heat radiating from your cheeks was enough to rival the fireworks still bursting above you.

you blinked, trying to process it all—the way his lips had moved against yours, the way your hands had seemed to know exactly where to go, threading through his hair like you’d done it a thousand times before. but you hadn’t. this was the first time. a full-on make out.

how did you even know how to do that? where had that come from? your mind raced with questions, all of them tumbling over each other in a chaotic jumble. had it been good for him, too? no, scratch that—it had to have been good. you’d felt the way his body responded to yours, the way his lips had been so urgent, so eager, like he was drinking you in.

you glanced at him again, his face now lit softly by the remnants of the fireworks. his lips were still slightly swollen, a faint flush coloring his cheeks. his gaze met yours, warm and steady, with a hint of something unspoken simmering beneath the surface.

“are you okay?” he asked softly, his voice carrying that raspy edge you hadn’t noticed before tonight. it was a sound that made your stomach flip all over again.

you nodded, but your mind betrayed you, still looping on the same thought: how did i just do that?

“i—” you started, but your voice cracked, and you pressed your lips together, suddenly shy. you looked down, realizing your hands were still resting against his chest. you could feel the steady thrum of his heartbeat beneath your fingertips, fast but strong, and that tiny reassurance made you brave enough to speak again. “it happened so fast…i don’t know how—.” you breath hitched as you couldn’t speak anymore.

he chuckled, low and warm, and the sound sent a pleasant hum through your chest. “you don’t have to know,” he said, his voice dropping just enough to make your heart stutter. “you just have to feel.”

you looked at him, your breath hitching as his words settled over you. he wasn’t wrong. in that moment, nothing had been overthought or planned—it had just happened. natural. instinctive. perfect.

and somehow, that made it even better.

felix tilted his head toward you, his expression playful. “it’s getting hot by this fire, don’t you think?” he asked.

you blinked, caught off guard. “i mean… yeah, it is pretty warm,” you replied, fanning yourself awkwardly—though you weren’t entirely sure it was just the fire causing him to get so red.

felix huffed a breath and grabbed the hem of his shirt, lifting it to wipe his forehead. the casual movement exposed a sliver of his toned stomach, and your eyes immediately fell towards it, your heart skipping a beat. goodness gracious.

“i might need another beer to cool off,” he said, his words slightly slurred as the alcohol made him bolder. he tossed the shirt back down, his smirk playful.

you nodded quickly, not trusting yourself to speak. your gaze flickered back to him, trying to act normal—whatever that meant in this situation. 

felix stood up, swaying slightly as he did. “come with me,” he said.

you stood up, and you followed him silently, wondering where this was going.

felix seemed a little unsteady on his feet, but his confidence never wavered. his steps were purposeful—until they weren’t. you saw it happen in slow motion.

“felix—” you started, noticing a guy standing in his path, holding a drink precariously close to his chest, but it was too late. before you could get the rest of your warning out, felix collided straight into him, sending the drink splashing down the front of the guy’s shirt.

“dude!” the guy exclaimed, holding his arms out in disbelief as the liquid soaked through his clothes.

felix blinked, then burst into laughter, the sound bright and unfiltered. “sorry, that’s—” he paused to catch his breath, still laughing. “that’s my bad, man.”

you cringed, stepping forward quickly. “why are you laughing? that’s not funny.” you said, with a serious tone. “so sorry by the way” you apologized to the guy.

but as you looked at felix, it hit you. this wasn’t felix—not the felix you knew, anyway. normally, he’d be mortified, apologizing profusely and trying to fix the situation. but right now, his laughter was carefree, almost careless. he was completely intoxicated. already?

you sighed, glancing at felix as he leaned heavily against you. maybe his tolerance is just really shitty, you thought, trying to rationalize how he’d gotten to this point so quickly. just as you were about to scold him again, you heard an all-too-familiar voice cutting through.

“how’s he holding up?” griffin’s voice was laced with amusement as he walked up to you both, his grin wide as he took in the scene. when his gaze landed on felix, his lips twitched, clearly trying to suppress a laugh. 

felix attempted to sit up straighter, his eyes slightly unfocused but brimming with defiance. “i’m fine, griff,” he insisted, his voice slow and deliberate, as though he were concentrating hard on getting the words out. “100%. fine.”

you raised an eyebrow, crossing your arms as you watched felix’s obvious struggle to look composed. his usually smooth speech was stilted, his enunciation overly precise like he thought it would mask his tipsy state. it was clear he was trying to look tougher in front of the guy.

“really? because you don’t look fine,” you muttered under your breath, shaking your head. turning to griffin, you added, “he’s only had two drinks. i don’t understand why he’s like this already.”

griffin let out a low chuckle, glancing at felix before leaning slightly closer to you. “well,” he said with a smirk, “you should’ve known—these chinks can’t handle anything.”

you blinked, not fully processing griffin’s words at first. but as the weight of what he’d said sank in, your stomach twisted. you turned to him, your voice steady but laced with disbelief. “i’m sorry, what did you just call him?”

felix let out an unexpected laugh, the sound catching you completely off guard. it wasn’t his usual warm chuckle—it was light, careless, and entirely out of place. your stomach twisted, a mix of disbelief and anger bubbling up inside you.

griffin shifted uncomfortably but quickly masked it with a grin. “hey, calm down. i didn’t mean anything by it. you see, even your boy is laughing”

the casual dismissal from both of them made your blood boil. your feelings toward griffin shifted in an instant. just hours ago, he had seemed harmless, even likable. but now? how could he so casually toss around that word, as if it were nothing?

you took a step closer, your eyes blazing with anger. “no,” you said, your voice low but trembling with fury. “what the hell did you just say?”

griffin raised his hands, feigning innocence. “okay, calm down, sweetheart. i’m not blaming it all on his tolerance, alright? you know the beer was like, what—eight percent? why the hell would it be here if it wasn’t? honestly, i’m surprised he didn’t notice when he drank it.”

felix, still swaying slightly but clearly trying to sound coherent, muttered, “it’s hard to tell, griffin. it didn’t taste that different…”

you turned to him sharply, your frustration boiling over. “you can shut up, felix,” you snapped, the words leaving your mouth before you could stop them. your voice was harsher than you intended, but you were too angry to care.

felix blinked at you, startled, and he opened his mouth as if to say something, then seemed to think better of it, instead averting his gaze to the ground.

you turned back to griffin, your eyes narrowing. “you knew it wasn’t light, and you pressured him to drink,” you snapped, your voice sharp with anger and protectiveness. 

griffin shrugged, his indifference infuriating. “it’s just a bit of fun. no harm done. he would’ve done it regardless of how strong it was.” he said, his tone dismissive. he even had the audacity to attempt a smile, though it fell flat against your glare.

“fun?” you repeated, your voice rising. “you call this fun?” your chest tightened with rage, your words spilling out before you could stop them. “i’ve only met you tonight, griffin, and i already know you’re a coward. it’s easy to stand there, acting like nothing matters, tossing around slurs and getting people drunk without their consent. but you know what? that’s not fun. that’s pathetic. and it says a hell of a lot more about you than it does about felix.”

griffin's face twisted into a sneer. "watch it," he warned.

"you watch it," you retorted, stepping closer.

the fire crackled beside you, casting long, flickering shadows over griffin's face. his eyes glinted with anger, the light reflecting off his sneer. the crowd around continued to chatter, seemingly completely unaware of the tension between you and griffin, besides a few. the distant sound of waves crashing against the shore seemed louder in the stillness, a stark contrast to the charged atmosphere. 

griffin’s sneer deepened, and in a swift motion, he raised a hand as if to make a point—or worse. instinctively, you flinched, squinting your eyes as your body braced for any impact. before anything could happen, a hand clamped down on griffin’s shoulder from behind.

"dude, stop it, you're so drunk!" his friend said, his voice firm, his grip tight on griffin's arm.

“i was just trying to scare her, relax,” griffin slurred, his tone defensive but far from apologetic.

felix stood up quickly, without stumbling, and grabbed griffin by the collar. his movements were now swift, fueled by an adrenaline rush, contrasting to his drowsiness. "don't touch her!" he yelled, his voice shaking with rage. the firelight cast sharp shadows across his face, highlighting the intensity in his eyes.

griffin struggled against felix's hold, his face contorted with anger and defiance. "get your hands off of me!" he snarled, his voice slurred yet still threatening.

felix gritted his teeth, pulling griffin closer, their faces inches apart. you could see the raw emotion in felix's eyes, a mix of fury and protectiveness. griffin's friends quickly stepped in, pulling the two apart. their expressions were a mix of concern and urgency, trying to defuse the situation before it escalated further. felix's chest heaved with anger, his eyes blazing with a fiery intensity that was hard to ignore.

“come on, felix. you look insane right now,” you said, your tone softer, but desperate. his eyes flicked toward you, the fury in them softening just slightly.

his breath was uneven, chest rising and falling rapidly, but he nodded, the tension in his jaw easing ever so slightly. without saying a word, you reached out, pulling him gently away from the crowd. you didn’t look back at griffin—couldn’t bring yourself to—but you heard his voice ring out from behind you, bitter and full of venom.

“yeah, walk away!” griffin shouted, his words laced with resentment. “chinks never belonged here anyway!”

a chill ran through you at his words, and you froze. your hands clenched into fists, but you didn’t turn around. some of the people around the bonfire had gone eerily silent at his words, the air thick with discomfort and tension. you imagined the faces of everyone who could hear it, all the people who could have been affected—felix, some of the teenagers at the bonfire, and even chris if he was here.

the fact that griffin, of all people, would throw out such a loaded term without a second thought was sickening. the thought of how casually he had tossed it out, with no respect or understanding for its weight, made your stomach turn.

you felt felix beside you, his hand on your back, his touch warm despite the storm of emotions swirling inside you. you finally took a deep breath, turning your head only slightly to look at him, the frustration and anger still simmering within you. he was still angry, his face tight, but there was a softness in his eyes that made you sigh in relief.

“we need to get out of here,” you muttered, your voice a little shaky from everything that had just happened.

felix's body remained tense as you continued to guide him away, his breathing gradually evening out. the sounds of laughter and music from the bonfire seemed distant and muted in comparison to the pounding of your heart.

the path away from the bonfire was dimly lit, the shadows of the trees casting eerie shapes on the ground. as you walked, the cool night air began to soothe your heated emotions. felix's shoulders relaxed under your touch, his steps becoming more steady.

suddenly, you heard a voice behind you. "hey guys!" you both turned to see the bagel girl from earlier hurrying towards you, her face filled with concern.

the streets were eerily quiet as you and felix walked, your footsteps echoing in the stillness. the cool night air seemed to press in around you, and the darkness felt heavier than usual, wrapping itself around both of you. neither of you spoke, the tension still thick between you, a combination of what had just happened and the lingering discomfort from griffin’s words. the silence felt too loud, but neither of you were confident enough to break it.

you glanced over at felix, his jaw tight, his gaze fixed forward. he looked lost in thought, but there was something fragile about the way he walked, his posture not quite as solid as usual. he wasn’t the carefree, laughing felix you knew, and that made your chest ache.

just as you were about to open your mouth to say something, anything, you heard a voice call out behind you.

"hey, guys!"

you both turned, startled, to see the bagel girl from this morning hurrying toward you. her hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail, and she was wearing the same hoodie from earlier. you hadn’t even seen her at the bonfire, but now here she was, catching up to you with a concerned look on her face.

"are you two okay?" she asked, her voice soft but filled with genuine worry.

you blinked, the sudden intrusion snapping you out of the fog of anger and confusion. you hadn’t expected anyone to notice, let alone come looking for you.

felix stood a little straighter, but his expression was guarded, his eyes scanning her for a moment. “yeah,” he said slowly, though his voice lacked conviction. "we’re fine. just... needed to get away for a bit."

the girl shook her head, clearly still upset. “i’ve known griffin since grade 3,” she said, her voice growing more heated, “and he’s always been a jerk. i can’t believe he almost hit you, honey.” she grabbed your hands, her grip warm and reassuring. "are you sure you're okay?" she asked, her gaze searching yours for any sign of discomfort. you felt her concern washing over you, and something in your chest softened.

“yeah,” you said with a smile, though it was small, still shaken from the tension of the past few minutes. “i’m fine. just... everything happened so fast.”

she cooed softly, her eyes full of sympathy as she pulled you into a warm hug. "aw, sweetie. i’m so glad you’re okay. please, if you need anything, talk to me, alright? you know where i’ll be."

the embrace felt so genuine, and in that moment, you couldn’t help but feel a rush of affection for her. you smiled into her shoulder, feeling comforted by her warmth. “thank you, i love you.”

she pulled back just enough to look at you, her lips curling into a soft smile. "love you too," she said. “okay, good night. i’m gonna go talk to that dick. he’s gonna hear it from me.”

she gave you one last reassuring smile before walking off, her figure disappearing into the darkness as she made her way toward griffin. felix’s gaze lingered on her for a moment, but then he looked back at you, his face unreadable.

you both started walking again, the silence hanging heavy between you. finally, the weight of it was too much, and you couldn’t hold back any longer. “i still can’t believe that happened,” you muttered, your voice thick with frustration. “griffin is such a dick. i can’t believe he said that stuff. and lying to you about the beer? how can someone be so reckless and insensitive?”

you exhaled sharply, your mind spinning as the words poured out. “and being racist? seriously, who talks like that? he’s got no respect for anyone, no decency.” you shook your head, the anger still simmering beneath the surface.

as you looked over at felix, you realized he wasn’t paying attention. his gaze was distant, his expression almost blank, and it felt like you were talking to the air.

you stopped walking for a moment, taking a deep breath and forcing the frustration to settle in your chest. “never mind,” you muttered, your voice quiet now. you fell into a heavy silence, your steps slow as you resumed walking beside him.

the only sounds were the crunch of your footsteps on the pavement and the distant murmur of the bonfire party, which felt so far away now. you didn’t know what was going on in felix’s head, but you couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t quite right.

“felix?” you asked softly, your voice barely above a whisper as you stopped and stood in front of him. his eyes, glossy and unfocused, met yours, and you felt an unexpected pang of concern.

he wiped at his eyes with a trembling hand, but it only made the tears smear across his cheeks. “i think i’m drunk,” he said, his voice quivering, the weight of his emotions slipping through the cracks of his carefully built exterior.

you tried to keep the situation light, offering a small smile as you nodded. “that’s highly possible,” you agreed gently, but the smile didn’t quite reach your eyes as you studied him. “but what’s wrong?”

felix took a shaky breath, his shoulders hunching slightly as if the weight of his own emotions was almost too much to bear. "chris always tells me i cry after i drink,” he said, his voice barely a whisper now, like it was something he hadn’t allowed himself to admit until just this moment.

"come here," you murmured, your voice gentle but firm, as you stepped forward and wrapped your arms around him. his body was still trembling, and you could feel the vulnerability radiating from him in waves. it was such a contrast to the usual felix, the one who always seemed to hold everything together.

he hesitated for a moment, then spoke in a quiet, shaky voice, “is anyone watching?”

you pulled him in a little tighter, your fingers brushing over his back, trying to offer him some sense of comfort. “no one’s watching, felix,” you said softly, giving him a reassuring squeeze. it wasn’t that you were lying—it was the truth. the streets were empty, and the bonfire party felt miles away, a distant memory now.

you knew him better than anyone. you’d seen him cry before, and you knew how soft his heart was. it made sense that this was how his body was reacting to the alcohol.

“y/n…” his voice wavered, the words slipping out in a slow, slurred confession. “i love you. to the ends of this earth. i’m gonna marry you.”

you froze for a split second and you could tell from the way his words stumbled that this wasn’t a moment of clarity—it was the liquor talking. you pulled back slightly, looking up at him. "we can talk about this tomorrow, okay?"

he nodded, his eyes earnest. "promise?"

"i promise,"

[beifong-brainrot]

Lin should've left the police force, I'm not even saying it to be anti cop or smth I just genuinely think it would be a good arc for her.

Like Lin tells us point blank in 'Old Wounds' that she became a cop in a misguided attempt to please her mother.

Lin: When I was younger, all I wanted to do was please my mother. I became a police chief because I thought it would make her happy ... but it didn't. You need to make your decisions based on what you want. Don't make the same mistakes as I did.

It's not a leap to say that trying to immitate her mother was Lin's attempt at trying to get her mother to pay attention to her, something Toph didn't do much with her daughters. This may also explain why Lin seemed so hellbent on scolding and putting down Su. But this didn't work, as Toph had been growing disillusioned with policework at the time, with Suyin's arrest probably being the wakeup call that Toph needed, as she quit the year after that.

However, it was probably difficult for Lin, who seemed to have idolised her mother to an extent to accept that Toph quit out of her own free will or any sense of displeasure with policework. It may also be a case of sunk cost fallacy. Lin would be about 23 when Toph quit, and probably well on her way into the police force's higher echelons. All in an attempt to garner her mother's approval.

Having her mother suddenly lose interest in policework means Lin aimed her life in a direction that she chose for a reason that is now null and void. It doesn't help that we have about 6 more years of Toph and Lin cokmunicating until it was radio silence between them, which I believe Toph may have spent trying to convince Lin to not be a cop lol.

So Lin may have found a convenient explanation for her mother's sudden heelturn in Suyin.

Lin: When we were in Mom's office that day, you could've taken responsibility for what you did. But instead, you stayed quiet and let Mom throw her whole career away. Suyin : Mom didn't throw her career away. She retired the next year. She was a hero. Lin: You think she wanted to retire? She was so guilt-ridden about what she did to protect you that she didn't feel worthy of her badge.

But this still leaves Lin in a situation where she is in a career she chose to cater to a mother who was no longer interested in said career. But we know Lin doesn't do particularly well with change, so it's very in character for her to just stay in policework. She still is able to reap some mental benefits from this role as well, probably vestiges of her idealisation of her mother.

We see Lin utilse her title as a moral highground several times, as well as use it against people who displease her, such as when she tried to arrest Pema. We should talk about that more in conversations both about tlok's weird stance on cops and its weird behaviour in female on male abuse because Lin only slapped Tenzin once but she engeged in bunnyboiler level behaviour and we just laugh it off

This leads to Lin trying to play the 'job' card even when she doesn't have the right to. Like in Zaofu, when she seems to be under the impression that she is doing her job by protecting Korra who is, mind you, not a citizen of Republic City, nowhere near Republic City, actually BANISHED from Republic City.

Korra: Stop trying to protect me! I'm the Avatar. This is my job! Lin: Don't lecture me about jobs!

Lin's inclusion in B3 always felt out of place because she is a police officer, not a white lotus member or anything of the like. Her jurisdiction begins and ends in Republic City. So why is she not only protecting the Avatar in a different country but also willingly commiting crimes against said country in a clearly marked Republic Citu Police Airship like I'm shocked the Earth Queen didn't declare war after the airbenders escaped.

And my obvious guess is that Lin heard about the Red Lotus and of course she cares for Korra in her own special little way and do she wanted to help Korra. But she's too emotionally constipated to actually admit it, so she somehow manages to bullshit her way into still acting as if she's doing her job.

Lin uses her job as police chief as a safety bubble that enables her stagnation. Because, as I've mentioned multiple times, that feels like the main theme with Lin. Stagnation. She managed to beef with the 16 year old version of her sister for almost 30 years. Jinora is around 11 in B1 yet Lin still acts like the breakup is fresh, even chanelling her anger at Tenzin onto Korra, an unrelated teenager. Lin acts immature and childish, and reverts to a seemingly much younger version if herself especially around Su.

Suyin : Oh, she's horrible. She thinks she can just do whatever she wants. Lin: Sounds familiar. Suyin: What? Lin: Nothing.

And I love that about Lin. I think it's a very good character flaw (even if the fandom tends to iron over Lin's less palatable traits). And I for one have a shocking amount of experience with women who act like Lin it's like a family tradition among the Polish women of my family.

Especially when tlok's whole theme is change and growth. But Lin's growth is... miniscule. Sure, she opens up more to Su, but her arc in B4 is essentially the same as in B3. Lin Estrangement 2; Mommy Issues Boogaloo!

And I find that extremely dissapointing. Because there clearly is some evolution there. Lin no longer idolises Toph and actually calls her out on her actions. Probably because once she started hanging out with Su, she demystified Su in her head and realised that Su was a literal kid at the time, and not responsible for Toph's actions.

And I really like that about Lin's storyline. I just wish her development had been leaned into more. Lin quitting the police force could've easily been a very good symbol of her not only cutting herself off from her attempts at pleasing her motger and choosing to live her life 'for herself' but also it would be a begining of an era where Lin has to start living life without the comfortable insulation that her job gave her. I think it would be a good arc for Lin, showing that it's never too late to change one's questionable coping mechanisms.

[seiwas]

satoru being into edging heck yess!! I can see it, i imagine col reader teasing him from behind while giving him a nice hj and he's exasperated because he loves it but at the same time he cannot kiss her and mark her with his seed when he comes undone, not until he's just about to spill it all he takes her by a surprise and kisses her all over, all while he's marking her. He's a whinny overstimulated sensitive mess of a baby, he just wants to pamper and be pampered and loved. 😭😭

oh god i hope this isn't too much! if u have thoughts on this to share pls do! I love em aaa

🫧

omg nonie.🫧 i—

u went off HAHDJSJSJ 😳🫣 i don’t know what to say omg 😭

but i guess i will add this !! somehow, col gojo always gets what he wants 🤧🥲

[xcziel]

has anybody else thought about how jk could easily manage sofia's parts of slow dance or is it just me?

[vulturetime]

I do understand why a fair number of books/shows/etc that deal with the intersection of “the real world” and some fantasy element end up including cops. Cause if you look at the structure of the society, who’s going to ideally come and check out complaints or take care of any serious crime that bleeds into the real world? cops (I don’t think this but it is the expectation of a lot of people where if you got a problem, call the cops).

So yeah, from that perspective, I “get it” but have creators considered 1. Not having copaganda if they gotta have cops at all 2. If you’re including cops cause that’d be “realistic” option, at least also make the behavior of cops realistic (this ties to the first point but whatever) 3. Don’t make corruption in the police force the result of some magic thing. I will kill you for this. 4. There are literally so many other more interesting options than cops. Please. Don’t give a shit about your local law enforcement.

[tnbc-thoughtsandheadcanons]

That conversation yesterday was incredibly respectful, much more than I would expect to get from Twitter, but I am *still* reeling at how I got 'fact checked' by someone's 90-second google search, and that my claims were 'not accurate' as to what they read on wikipedia and imdb.

[genderdryad]

i feel like i shouldn't have to plaster "mspec/male 'lesbians' dni" all over my page but here we are

[floorpancakes]

[irul]

theres an art fest coming up again in my city and we rarely have any, esp by/for queer ppl. i wanted to sell my prints there but the entire event happens upstairs with no lift access

[pigswithwings]

OH MY GODDDD

the angel staying over at my house asked for a nightlight in their room and i told them buddy, don't you produce your own light? what're you gonna do with more? and they said they wanted to see why people like it so much. and also that the nightlight i own is blue and they're been trying to understand color. anyways i think they've stared at it for an hour now

[autistichalsin]

In retrospect, four years later, I feel like the Isabel Fall incident was just the biggest ignored cautionary tale modern fandom spaces have ever had. Yes, it wasn't limited to fandom, it was also a professional author/booktok type argument, but it had a lot of crossover.

Stop me if you've heard this one before: a writer, whether fan or pro, publishes a work. If one were to judge a book by its cover, something we are all taught in Kindergarten shouldn't happen but has a way of occurring regardless, one might find that there was something that seemed deeply problematic about this work. Maybe the title or summary alluded to something Wrong happening, or maybe the tags indicated there was problematic kinks or relationships. And that meant the story was Bad. So, a group of people takes to the Twittersphere to inform everyone who will listen why the work, and therefore the author, are Bad. The author, receiving an avalanche of abuse and harassment, deactivates their account, and checks into a mental health facility for monitoring for suicidal ideation. They never return to their writing space, and the harassers get a slap on the wrist (if that- usually they get praise and high-fives all around) and start waiting for their next victim to transgress.

Sounds awful familiar, doesn't it?

Isabel Fall's case, though, was even more extreme for many reasons. See, she made the terrible mistake of using a transphobic meme as the genesis to actually explore issues of gender identity.

More specifically, she used the phrase "I sexually identify as an attack helicopter" to examine how marginalized identities, when they become more accepted, become nothing more than a tool for the military-industrial complex to rebrand itself as a more personable and inclusive atrocity; a chance to pursue praise for bombing brown children while being progressive, because queer people, too, can help blow up brown children now! It also contained an examination of identity and how queerness is intrinsic to a person, etc.

But... well, if harassers ever bothered to read the things they critique, we wouldn't be here, would we? So instead, they called Isabel a transphobic monster for the title alone, even starting a misinformation campaign to claim she was, in fact, a cis male nazi using a fake identity to psyop the queer community.

A few days later, after days of horrific abuse and harassment, Isabel requested that Clarkesworld magazine pull the story. She checked in to a psych ward with suicidal thoughts. That wasn't all, though; the harassment was so bad that she was forced to out herself as trans to defend against the claims.

Only... we know this type of person, the fandom harassers, don't we? You know where this is going. Outing herself did nothing to stop the harassment. No one was willing to read the book, much less examine how her sexuality and gender might have influenced her when writing it.

So some time later, Isabel deleted her social media. She is still alive, but "Isabel Fall" is not- because the harassment was so bad that Isabel detransitioned/closeted herself, too traumatized to continue living her authentic life.

Supposed trans allies were so outraged at a fictional portrayal of transness, written by a trans woman, that they harassed a real life trans woman into detransitioning.

It's heartbreakingly familiar, isn't it? Many of us in fandom communities have been in Isabel's shoes, even if the outcome wasn't so extreme (or in some cases, when it truly was). Most especially, many of us, as marginalized writers speaking from our own experiences in some way, have found that others did not enjoy our framework for examining these things, and hurt us, members of those identities, in defense of "the community" as a nebulous undefined entity.

There's a quote that was posted in a news writeup about the whole saga that was published a year after the fact. The quote is:

The delineation between paranoid and reparative readings originated in 1995, with influential critic Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick. A paranoid reading focuses on what’s wrong or problematic about a work of art. A reparative reading seeks out what might be nourishing or healing in a work of art, even if the work is flawed. Importantly, a reparative reading also tends to consider what might be nourishing or healing in a work of art for someone who isn’t the reader. This kind of nuance gets completely worn away on Twitter, home of paranoid readings. “[You might tweet], ‘Well, they didn’t discuss X, Y, or Z, so that’s bad!’ Or, ‘They didn’t’ — in this case — ‘discuss transness in a way that felt like what I feel about transness, therefore it is bad.’ That flattens everything into this very individual, very hostile way of reading,” Mandelo says. “Part of reparative reading is trying to think about how a story cannot do everything. Nothing can do everything. If you’re reading every text, fiction, or criticism looking for it to tick a bunch of boxes — like if it represents X, Y, and Z appropriately to my definitions of appropriate, and if it’s missing any of those things, it’s not good — you’re not really seeing the close focus that it has on something else.”

A paranoid reading describes perfectly what fandom culture has become in the modern times. It is why "proship", once simply a word for common sense "don't engage with what you don't like, and don't harass people who create it either" philosophies, has become the boogeyman of fandom, a bad and dangerous word. The days of reparative readings, where you would look for things you enjoyed, are all but dead. Fiction is rarely a chance to feel joy; it's an excuse to get angry, to vitriolically attack those different from oneself while surrounded with those who are the same as oneself. It's an excuse to form in-groups and out-groups that must necessarily be in a constant state of conflict, lest it come across like This side is accepting That side's faults. In other words, fandom has become the exact sort of space as the nonfandom spaces it used to seek to define itself against.

It's not about joy. It's not about resonance with plot or characters. It's about hate. It's about finding fault. If they can't find any in the story, they will, rest assured, create it by instigating fan wars- dividing fandom into factions and mercilessly attacking the other.

And that's if they even went so far as to read the work they're critiquing. The ones they don't bother to read, as you saw above, fare even worse. If an AO3 writer tagged an abuser/victim ship, it's bad, it's fetishism, even if the story is about how the victim escapes. If a trans writer uses the title "I Sexually Identify as an Attack Helicopter" to find a framework to dissect rainbow-washing the military-industrial complex, it's unforgivable. It's a cesspool of kneejerk reactions, moralizing discomfort, treating good/evil as dichotomous categories that can never be escaped, and using that complex as an excuse to heap harassment on people who "deserve it." Because once you are Bad, there is no action against you that is too Bad for you to deserve.

Isabel Fall's story follows this so step-by-step that it's like a textbook case study on modern fandom behavior.

Isabel Fall wrote a short story with an inflammatory title, with a genesis in transphobic mockery, in the hopes of turning it into a genuine treatise on the intersection of gender and sexuality and the military-industrial complex. But because audiences are unprepared for the idea of inflammatory rhetoric as a tool to force discomfort to then force deeper introspection... they zeroed in on the discomfort. "I Sexually Identify as an Attack Helicopter"- the title phrase, not the work- made them uncomfortable. We no longer teach people how to handle discomfort; we live in a world of euphemism and glossing over, a world where people can't even type out the words "kill" and rape", instead substituting "unalive" and "grape." We don't deal with uncomfortable feelings anymore; we censor them, we transform them, we sanitize them. When you are unable to process discomfort, when you are never given self-soothing tools, your only possible conclusion is that anything Uncomfortable must be Bad, and the creator must either be censored too, or attacked into conformity so that you never again experience the horrors of being Uncomfortable.

So the masses took to Twitter, outraged. They were Uncomfortable, and that de facto meant that they had been Wronged. Because the content was related to trans identity issues, that became the accusation; it was transphobic, inherently. It couldn't be a critique of bigger and more fluid systems than gender identity alone; it was a slight against trans people. And no amount of explanations would change their minds now, because they had already been aggrieved and made to feel Uncomfortable.

Isabel Fall was now a Bad Person, and we all know what fandom spaces do to Bad People. Bad People, because they are Bad, will always be deserving of suicide bait and namecalling and threatening. Once a person is Bad, there is no way to ever become Good again. Not by refuting the accusations (because the accusations are now self-evident facts; "there is a callout thread against them" is its own tautological proof that wrongdoing has happened regardless of the veracity of the claims in the callout) and not by apologizing and changing, because if you apologize and admit you did the Bad thing, you are still Bad, and no matter what you do in future, you were once Bad and that needs to be brought up every time you are mentioned. If you are bad, you can NEVER be more than what you were at your worst (in their definition) moment. Your are now ontologically evil, and there is no action taken against you that can be immoral.

So Isabel was doomed, naturally. It didn't matter that she outed herself to explain that she personally had lived the experience of a trans woman and could speak with authority on the atrocity of rainbow-washing the military industrial complex as a proaganda tool to capture progressives. None of it mattered. She had written a work with an Uncomfortable phrase for a title, the readers were Uncomfortable, and someone had to pay for it.

And that's the key; pay for it. Punishment. Revenge. It's never about correcting behavior. Restorative justice is not in this group's vocabulary. You will, incidentally, never find one of these folks have a stance against the death penalty; if you did Bad as a verb, you are Bad as an intrinsic, inescapable adjective, and what can you do to incorrigible people but kill them to save the Normal people? This is the same principle, on a smaller scale, that underscores their fandom activities; if a Bad fan writes Bad fiction, they are a Bad person, and their fandom persona needs to die to save Normal fans the pain of feeling Uncomfortable.

And that's what happened to Isabel Fall. The person who wrote the short story is very much alive, but the pseudonym of Isabel Fall, the identity, the lived experiences coming together in concert with imagination to form a speculative work to critique deeply problematic sociopolitical structures? That is dead. Isabel Fall will never write again, even if by some miracle the person who once used the name does. Even if she ever decides to restart her transition, she will be permanently scarred by this experience, and will never again be able to share her experience with us as a way to grow our own empathy and challenge our understanding of the world. In spirit, but not body, fandom spaces murdered Isabel Fall.

And that's... fandom, anymore. That's just what is done, routinely and without question, to Bad people. Good people are Good, so they don't make mistakes, and they never go too far when dealing with Bad people. And Bad people, well, they should have thought before they did something Bad which made them Bad people.

Isabel Fall's harassment happened in early 2020, before quarantine started, but it was in so many ways a final chance for fandom to hit the breaks. A chance for fandom to think collectively about what it wanted to be, who it wanted to be for and how it wanted to do it. And fandom looked at this and said, "more, please." It continues to harass marginalized people, especially fans of color and queen fans, into suffering mental breakdowns. With gusto.

Any ideas of reparative reading is dead. Fandom runs solely on paranoid readings. And so too is restorative justice gone for fandom transgressions, real or imagined. It is now solely about punitive, vigilante justice. It's a concerted campaign to make sure oddballs conform or die (in spirit, but sometimes even physically given how often mentally ill individuals are pushed into committing suicide).

It's a deeply toxic environment and I'm sad to say that Isabel Fall's story was, in retrospect, a sort of event horizon for the fandom. The gravitational pull of these harassment campaigns is entirely too strong now and there is no escaping it. I'm sorry, I hate to say something so bleak, but thinking the last few days about the state of fandom (not just my current one but also others I watch from the outside), I just don't think we can ever go back to peaceful "for joy" engagement, not when so many people are determined to use it as an outlet for lateral aggression against other people.

[ao3org]

Updates to AO3 "Mythology" Fandoms

Hi AO3 users! You may have noticed that recently, fandoms previously canonized as "Mythology" are being updated to "Religion & Lore". This renaming project is part of a wider ongoing process on AO3 about respectful treatment and naming of various religions, spiritual beliefs, faiths, and collections of folklores belonging to a particular religious or cultural tradition. This includes both major and minor religions, as well as reconstructionist, ancient, and modern religions.

In the coming months, the term "Mythology" is being phased out of canonical fandom names. This is because of its potential for use as a disparaging term, and the way in which it is used primarily for religions which are already under-represented. Since "mythology" has connotations of being fictional or inferior to the religious beliefs of the speaker or writer, and is unfortunately used in this way by some, the decision has been made to replace this term with something that the Wrangling Committee believes is more inclusive and less derogatory.

After extensive discussion between individuals from varying religious backgrounds and beliefs, including wranglers representing the various fandoms which were being covered, it was felt that "Religion & Lore" was an appropriate and neutral way to describe the bodies of faith, belief, knowledge, and tradition associated with many of these religions which were ancestrally imparted and regional in nature. It is also hoped that this will decrease ambiguous or confused use, allowing people to more accurately describe their works and find works in which they are interested moving forward.

The use of "Ancient" in many of these fandoms' names reflects that these countries still exist but now have different predominant religions or spiritual beliefs. For example, Ancient Greek Religion & Lore (as Greece is now a predominantly Christian country) or Ancient Egyptian Religion (as Egypt is now a predominantly Muslim country). Because "Norse" does not refer to an extant country, region, or culture, it is not necessary to specify that it is historical or ancient in nature.

The names of these fandoms will also have the native language piped, if the English-language demonym is significantly different from the native-language demonym or if there is a culturally specific term based on consultation with individuals who speak these languages as a first language. We hope to give representation to the language of the source culture by doing so.

Each of these changes has been and will continue to be carefully researched and discussed with traditional knowledge keepers and researchers from the cultures represented in the fandoms under discussion.

Many religions face the issue of texts being written long after their events occurred. Unfortunately this is something which is shared across many religious fandoms; AO3 seeks to treat these religious fandoms equally. Care has been taken in researching characters relating to these fandoms, and character tags will be canonized or made a synonym on a case-by-case basis. Fandom tags that are currently synned to the Ancient religious fandoms have been checked as thoroughly as possible to ensure that they are not referring to modern folk tales, and where possible such relatively modern folk tales are canonized as their own fandoms.

(From time to time, ao3org posts announcements of recent or upcoming wrangling changes on behalf of the Tag Wrangling Committee.)

[astrobydalia]

Aquamarine. Gold. Lavender.Colors of summer... Astro Observations

work by astrobydalia

Your 9th house rules your gandchildren! 9th house is 5th from 5th so your kids' kids.

Also, if you are any of your parent's first kid look at their 11th house to get a glimpse at how they will perceive your fs. (11th house is 7th from 5th, so your first kid's spouse)

^^these are derivative astrology methods so you gotta use whole sign system

The scorpion actually represents the underdeveloped/young version of Scorpio while the developed version of Scorpio is represented by the eagle which to me is analogous to the phoenix. That's why you see an eagle representing Scorpio in the The World card (cause this card signifies fulfillment or completion in tarot)

I think the song 'Part of Me' by Katy Perry really illustrates developed Scorpio energy. Is not resentful or vengeful but rather transformative and empowering, you can't end their spirit just like you can't end a phoenix. Underdeveloped Scorpio energy allows pain, trauma and resentment to ultimately k!ll their soul which turns into self-destruction, think how scorpion's stinger actually points at them (and fun fact: scorpions can actually k!ll themselves when they feel cornered)

Being "different" or an "outcast" is not an Aquarius trait, it's a Leo trait. Leo is all about being yourself, being unique, the one and only and main character energy. Aquarius rules inclusivity, equality, social cohesion, FRIENDSHIP (aka people who get you) and public validation, that's why it is a strong fame indicator. Aquarius energy is relatable to others, its new and fresh, Leo it not relatable because it is unique, it shines among the crowd and burns just like the Sun. Aquarius can be unique too but the main difference is Leos feel ultimately they only have themselves while Aquarius will always have people.

Leos are meant to experience feeling "different" or outcasted because they need to learn to accept and express themselves no matter what, that's why it rules bravery and courage. They often either feel alone in their "greatness" or feel like nobody accepts their real self. Either way its more common for them than for Aquarius to experience loneliness and rejection just like the sun can't never have anything come too close to it

Aquarius does not rule uniqueness per se it rules innovation, authenticity and detachment from the ego. Aquarians that try hard to be different and separated from "most" people are underdeveloped because they're still attached to their ego and this is the n1 thing that kills their innovative potential. Aquarius doesn't do things to validate the self like Leo, it generates ideas on how humanity can better express itself and develop, that's why it rules over technology, science and activism and that's why they're known to be trend setters. Air signs are all about finding common ground, aquarians are not meant to be different from communities or groups but rather find new and authentic new ways to represent them (hence the inclusivity).

All the Gemini Venus I've met were very loyal in their relationships idk what you guys are talking about. They are the golden retriever person that is head over heals obsessed with their partner. It's not easy to get them to commit cus they need someone who has that perfect blend between goofy and mysterious, too much of either bores them quickly. They love in a playful and child-like way so I see how they can be flighty and non-commital sometimes but if they're genuinely intrigued by you oh boy they'll be ALL over you in every way pretty consistently

Harsh aspects (esp square) between Mercury-Mercury in synastry are a no-go when it comes to compatibility. The two people can get along well and like each other if the rest of the synastry supports it but they likely have NOTHING in common. Efforts to try and find shared interests or ideas might be misunderstood or feel forced because there's none 😭. Even if you do have shared ideas or interests, you will have vastly different ways of looking at them because the way in which you both think/communicate always clash so you never really see eye to eye. You can get away with having unharmonious connections between venus or mars in synastry but mercury? Nah.

When it comes to predictions specially, you need to have AT LEAST three indicators for an energy to stick. For example, having just one planet at 29º doesn't mean you're gonna be famous, you need to have at least three fame indicators to even consider fame in chart. Also, I can't stress this enough, you REALLY shouldn't need to dig too hard to find the indicators, they're usually evident and fit into the context of the chart, meaning there are no other things contradicting or neutralizing said energy.

Even though we often look at 7th house for marriage, you are most likely to consider marrying and settling down with people who have their placements in your 4th house and/or 10th house, or you just see them as marriage potential in general. 4th house creates a sense of home, security and familiarity while 10th house synastry points to shared goals, seeing a future together, etc. That's how you'll feel tho, to see if that would happen you gotta check composite chart

If you have fire in your big 3 I just know you love being unhinged and a little wild once you get comfortable

Natives with Venus-Chiron aspects tend to have... questionable taste in lovers or get in relationships that are not so promising (forbidden love, etc). Their love life is always a struggle, they feel like they can't find someone that truly loves them and when they do it's always "complicated". With hard aspects they tend to date people who blatantly suck (abusers, psychos, players, etc). With easy aspects this can happen too but I've noticed they are more prone to attracting people who are alright however deep down are very troubled and/or unavailable individuals so the native tends to be the one to heal or sooth their lover.

Scorpio Mars can have sadistic tendencies... It obviously does NOT have to go that far for everyone, in fact most of them are pretty tame but this placement really gets off on the reactions of others I've noticed. Their n1 superpower is catching you off guard and poking at you psychologically. They know exactly what strings to pull and are very aware of how anything they do or say can trigger and affect others. This can manifest as smart and punchy humor, teasing... or really toxic behaviors. Oh and you do NOT wanna see them genuinely angry 😶 If you have this placement im gonna kindly ask you to please use your powers for good 😭💀

Females with Libra placements could have experienced being 'the other woman' I've seen this a lotttt. Either that or they constantly attract situatioships. They have a tendency to not be taken seriously by the opposite sex, only being seen as a trophy or a pretty face kinda vibe. Unless they also have Cancer energy

Which is interesting to see cause even though Libra rules marriage, the kind of women who are mostly perceived as marriage material by men are Cancer placements not Libra. If you think about it, it makes sense tho cause cancer rules family and motherhood

Water venus people have a very approachable and understanding aura. Very diplomatic and tactful, they'll effortlessly make you feel comfortable around them. Equally accepting of others both in public and in privet, but you'll automatically lose them if you make them feel invaded

Fire venus motto is "it's impossible to impress me.... but let's see you try😏". They purposefully market themselves as hard to get cause they want to see what you got. Will constantly crave interactions with some fun and friction

Earth venus are a lot more harsh, they haven't even talked to you yet but somehow have already decided you didn't make the cut 🥱 Silent observers, they'll have a mental spread sheet of what they like and don't like about you

With air venus you don't want to come off too strong otherwise you'll activate their fight or flight response 🏃‍♀️ You'll never know where you stand with them but if you wanna get closer you need to keep it playful and give them space

Virgo Sun/Mars/ASC like to help others but they do it in such way that is also indirectly self-serving to themselves. Virgos are sidereal Leos, they secretly want recognition for their modesty and want their actions and efforts to ultimately shine back on them

Underdeveloped Pisces Moons are selfish and out of touch. I’ve noticed this placement is painted in a way too innocent light but they can have a nasty shadow too. They will not accept anything that does not conform to their delusional expectations about life and when things don't go their way they’ll isolate in melancholy and victimize themselves using the ‘misunderstood’ card. They can have a really twisted perception of reality, confusing the lines between right and wrong to accommodate their own narrative. Think Thanos from MCU, that character is a perfect example of underdeveloped Pisces Moon fr!! They tend to be very aloof and weaponize their empathy to appear innocent . Can use the “I can understand the world but the world doesn’t understand me” mentality to justify everything they do without ever feeling bad about it.

Another Return that brings a lot of karmic lessons aside from Saturn Return is your North Node return which happens every 18 years (Ages 18, 36, 54, etc)

Gemini risings have a fabricated or fragmented personality. They're often attracted to things like astrology, personality stuff, psychology, etc because it helps them make sense of themselves through abstract concepts. They also tent to define themselves through imitation or comparison like "I do that too", etc. It's very easy for them to convince themselves they're something they're not (gemini rules lies and deception), that's why they're often good actors (Pisces 10th house). They come across as very air-headed cause who they present themselves to be is based on who they THINK and SAY they are vs. how that translates in reality

Based on my life experience and also the responses in astro/observation posts, I've observed Scorpio placements respond relatively well to criticism. Not saying they don't care, but they can handle being villainized quite well because when developed they can have a really healthy acceptance of their shadow side and toxic traits. They also don't mind being misunderstood cause that means people can't pry on their business

CANCER, Libra, Leo and Virgo placements on the other hand are the most sensitive to criticism.... They can't handle not being seen as "the good one" all the time

Most Pisces suns I've met gave off huge xNTJ vibes for some reason like very deep thinkers, silent, sarcastic with a low-key threatening and unapproachable aura. Also VERY elusive and protective their personal stuff, they embodied the "mysterious" Scorpio stereotype fr.

However Pisces sun+pisces venus combo gives much softer vibe, more quiet and doormat-like, you'd think they're high 24/7.

The other bunch of Pisces suns Ive met had a very bubbly and dramatic personality. Can be emotional in a really performative way

Libra Mars people are SMOOOOOTH. Not only with their words but also their mannerisms, how they move and do things in general. You'll never see them triggered or stressed, they make everything look so effortless

The Pluto in Scorpio generation (millennials mostly) were the ones who started this mental health awareness wave. All this concern with anxiety, depression, mental and personality disorders was started by them. They’re the ones who started putting focus on the deeper effects of the dark psychology (Scorpio).

All the people that have scared me and traumatized me deeply for life had planets in my 12th house with no 8th house synastry in sight whatsoever…

>>> In my experience 8th house synastry is only intense in the moment but eventually you get over it fast once you stop entertaining the person/situation. It might be hard to let it go tho cause the connection is intense and this person will leave a lasting impression, but once it’s done that person is forever dead to you. 12th house synastry on the other hand is giving "I fight with you in my sleep", 12th house feels harmless at first but it deals with themes of sorrow and shame. It lingers and haunts you fr. Let’s remember that Saturn, the planet of permanece and lessons, finds its joy in the 12th house…

8th house venus/juno is NOT a sugar baby indicator imo. As per my observation, it is actually the 8th house native that ends up making a lot of money and their spouse/partner benefits from the native's income and success. I swear every person I've seen with these placements had "we could hang out in my yacht if you want😉" as their main flirting technique LMAO. Their own power (8th house) is their main source of seduction and attraction (Venus/Juno)

I believe 2nd house Venus/Juno is more indicative of sugar baby energy. They want that spoiled good life with little effort even if that means being financially dependent on someone else or using family's money

In contrast I've noticed 8th house placements are not really like that, they have a HEAVY entrepreneurial spirit. Super ambitious individuals

With that being said, be careful if your have natal 8th house placements (specially Venus, Moon, Juno, 7th house ruler), cause the people you bond with WILL benefit from YOUR income and success. That's why these natives are prone to experiencing betrayal, cause if you surround yourself with the wrong people they'll take what they want from you or cause chaos in your life and then leave, so use your intuition!!

With 2nd house energy you are good at keeping your resources and income safe, but this means they can lose value if you don't use or invest them eventually just like food goes bad if it just sits in the fridge. With 8th house energy you are prone to loss, debt, loans and other financial risks where you either lose it all or gain lots and lots of money, the all or nothing nature of plutonic energy.

I bet any virgo placement can relate to being a little bit of mess but something I’ve seen in particular with Virgo risings is they are surprisingly sloppy?? You really wouldn't in a million years think so given how they always end up presenting good results but once you know them deeply you notice they often miss out on important details in the process or get so caught up with short-term things that they miss the big picture. Either way, they often look like they got it all together but they constantly improvise a lot more that what it looks like in the surface

Aquarius Mars is a placement I've seen A LOT in celebrities, specially well-liked ones. They attract people to them just by existing, they don't even have to try too hard

I’ve noticed a lot of critically acclaimed actors have air moons

Sagittarius Part of Fortune have a vibrant and fun spirit, you can’t never kill their vibes but they can tend to be immature. It’s like they’re completely oblivious to anything serious 

Libras are people pleasers due to a hidden inferiority complex (sidereal virgo)

work by astrobydalia

[cookinguptales]

You know... I had an experience about two months ago that I didn't talk about publicly, but I've been turning it over and over in my mind lately and I guess I'm finally able to put my unease into words.

So there's a podcast I'd been enjoying and right after I got caught up, they announced that they were planning on doing a live show. It's gonna be near me and on the day before my birthday and I thought -- hey, it's fate.

But... as many of you know, I'm disabled. For me, getting to a show like that has a lot of steps. One of those steps involved emailing the podcasters to ask about accessibility for the venue.

The response I got back was very quick and very brief. Essentially, it told me to contact the venue because they had no idea if it was accessible or not.

It was a bucket of cold water, and I had a hard time articulating at the time quite why it was so disheartening, but... I think I get it a little more now.

This is a podcast that has loudly spoken about inclusivity and diversity and all that jazz, but... I mean, it's easy to say that, isn't it? But just talking the talk without walking the walk isn't enough. That's like saying "sure, we will happily welcome you in our house -- if you can figure out how to unlock the door."

And friends, my lock-picking set is pretty good by this point. I've been scouting out locations for decades. I've had to research every goddamn classroom, field trip, and assigned bookstore that I've ever had in an academic setting. I've had to research every movie theater, theme park, and menu for every outing with friends or dates. I spend a long time painstakingly charting out accessible public transportation and potential places to sit down every time I leave the house.

Because when I was in college, my professors never made sure their lesson plans were accessible. (And I often had to argue with them to get the subpar accommodations I got.) Because my friends don't always know to get movie tickets for the accessible rows. Because my dates sometimes leave me on fucking read when I ask if we can go to a restaurant that doesn't keep its restrooms down a flight of stairs.

I had one professor who ever did research to see if I could do all the coursework she had planned, and who came up with alternate plans when she realized that I could not. Only one. It was a medical history and ethics class, and my professor sounded bewildered as she realized how difficult it is to plan your life when you're disabled.

This woman was straight-up one of the most thoughtful, philosophical, and ethical professors I've ever had, one who was incredibly devoted to diversity and inclusion -- and she'd never thought about it before, that the hospital archives she wanted us to visit were up a flight of stairs. That the medical museum full of disabled bodies she wanted us to visit only had a code-locked back entrance and an old freight elevator for their disabled guests who were still breathing.

And that's the crux of it, isn't it? It's easy to theoretically accept the existence of people who aren't like you. It's a lot harder to actively create a space in which they can exist by your side.

Because here's what I did before I contacted the podcasters. I googled the venue. I researched the neighborhood and contacted a friend who lives in the area to help me figure out if there were any accessible public transportation routes near there. (There aren't.) I planned for over an hour to figure out how close I could get before I had to shell out for an uber for the last leg of the trip.

Then I read through the venue's website. I looked through their main pages, through their FAQs to see if there was any mention of accessibility. No dice. I download their packet for clients and find out that, while the base building is accessible, the way that chairs/tables are set up for individual functions can make it inaccessible. So it's really up to who's hosting the show there.

So then and only then I contacted the podcasters. I asked if the floor plan was accessible. I asked if all the seats were accessible, or only some, and whether it was open seating or not. Would I need to show up early to get an accessible seat, or maybe make a reservation?

And... well, I got the one-sentence reply back that I described above. And that... god, it was really disheartening. I realized that they never even asked if their venues were accessible when they were booking the shows. I realized that they were unwilling to put in the work to learn the answers to questions that disabled attendees might have. I realized that they didn't care to find out if the building was accessible.

They didn't know and they didn't care. That, I think, is what took the wind out of my sails when they emailed me back. It's what made me decide that... yeah, I didn't really want to go through the trouble of finding an accessible route to the venue. I didn't want to have to pay an arm and a leg to hire a car to take me the last part of the journey. I didn't want to make myself frantic trying to figure out if I could do all that and still make the last train home.

If they didn't care, I guess I didn't either.

If they'd apologized and said that the only venue they could get was inaccessible, I actually would have understood. I know that small shows don't always get their pick of venues. I get it. I even would have understood if they'd been like "oh dang, I actually don't know -- but I'll find out."

But to be told that they didn't know and didn't intend to find out... oof. That one stung.

Because.... this is the thing. This is the thing. I may be good at it by now, but I'm so tired of picking locks. I'm tired of doing all the legwork because no one ever thinks to help me. I'm tired of feeling like an afterthought at best, or at worst utterly unwelcome.

If you truly want to be inclusive, you need to stop telling people that you're happy to have them -- if they can manage to unlock the door. You need to fucking open it yourself and welcome them in.

What brought all this back to me now, you may be asking? Well... I guess it's just what I was thinking to myself as I was tidying up my phone.

Today I'm deleting podcasts.

[cavegirlpoems]

Further thoughts.

There is a tendency to write settings - particularly for interactive media like ttrpgs, larps, etc - that are essentially gender-blind, where you can create whoever you want without that having an effect on the game. The decision to be gay, or a woman, or trans, or a gay trans woman with pink hair is an aesthetic choice that will not give you a meaningfully different experience in the game.

This rather kneecap's the setting's ability to tell queer stories, imho. If we take it as read that queerness refers to gender- and sexuality-based identities and behaviours that fall outside of the societal norms, then the experience of falling outside those societal norms is (rather tautologically) a key element of queerness.

So, in a completely gender-blind setting, one can't - tautologically - be gender-nonconforming. There is no expectation to conform to. The experience of queerness, of being outside of societal norms, becomes null and void. Such a setting will feature homosexuality, but it won't feature gay pride, and nor will it need to as none of the societal forces that led to the pride movement exist.

This is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, a world where one is not oppressed for one's identity is an enjoyable world to explore for what should be obvious reasons. On the other hand, it becomes impossible to tell (say) a coming-out story in a world where there's no closet to be in to begin with.

There is also the element that whilst a setting may say its gender-blind, it's still written and played in by people from the real world, who still subconsciously inherit real-world biases, and this can be reflected in the world.

While (say) women might have just as much right to political power as men, if in practice the people with political power are disproportionately men, that sexism is still present. Far from removing it, the gender-blindness of the setting simply obfuscates it, and often actively proves an obstacle to addressing it; one cannot call somebody out in character for sexism in a setting where sexism doesn't exist, no matter how sexist they're being.

(Similar biases around sexuality, transness, polyamory, kink, aceness, etc also creep in).

(In many cases, this can also apply to other axes of marginalisation, such as race, etc. However, in a lot of settings this doesn't apply the same way. Many fantasy settings are deeply opinionated about a character's ancestry; see the D&D skull-callipers explaining that elves are just more intelligent and agile than everybody else, and this being a mechanically enforced fact in the world.)

My point, anyway, is that in these cases efforts towards inclusivity can paradoxically erase that which they seek to include. One cannot represent the lived experience of a marginalised identity in a setting that totally denies the existence of that marginalisation.