#so sometimes i just go offline to just try to calm myself

[nightyraven-art]

I hate dealing with anxiety and anger issues

One second I'd be worried and then I get angry because anxiety makes me impatient and usually I'm often calm and patient but anxiety makes look like I'm the opposite and it's frightening to just be patient when I'm anxious-

Then it's a mix of embarrassment and anxiety because I make myself a fool...

[a-secret-inner-life]

I came across a lot of stuff that I could relate to about autism while researching for a paper, which led me to do more research on autism in general. I saw some other people doing this type of post on here, so: autistic people, can you please read my super long and detailed list of possible symptoms I experience and tell me if it seems like I'm one of you? I'm trying to be objective and reasonable and figure out what's going on with myself here.

Sensory Stuff

I like to stim–bouncing my legs, tapping my feet when I sit, occasionally swinging my legs or rocking. I also clench my fists or sit on my hands a lot and tap my fingers on things, or just fiddle with whatever is in front of me. Recently, I count while touching my thumb to each of my fingertips to calm down because someone in a book I read did that and it actually does help me. I also sing the alphabet song repeatedly when I'm working on my website.

Sometimes when I'm very tired or overwhelmed my face feels itchy and I feel like every strand of hair touching me prickles and itches and leaves a red spot (but it doesn't actually).

I have a strong hatred for perfume because it smells too strong and fakey, and citrus scents also drive me nuts, but I really like scented candles.

I'm a super picky eater, although I'm not as bad as when I was a kid. I don't mind the taste of tomatoes, peppers, or onions in things, but I'm still a little grossed out when I know I'm eating them, and the texture of onions freaks me right out, as an example.

I get startled easily. Loud noises don't actually scare me, they just jolt me out of whatever thought space I was in before I heard them.

I also get overwhelmed whenever someone tries to talk to me in a loud car (whether it's loud with other people or just the engine), and I find it overwhelming and incredibly difficult to concentrate when more than one person is talking at once. Whenever I'm in a crowd, it just sounds like this vague roar that gets louder the more I think about it, which can sometimes be overwhelming. Still, I'm good at tuning some things out in select circumstances, like the TV when it's on.

Finally, if I pay attention at pretty much any time when there isn't a ton of other noise, I can hear ringing in my ears. This isn't usually upsetting, and I know it's fairly common for anyone to get tinnitus from time to time, but I'm not sure if most people experience it this much.

Social Stuff

I can not handle eye contact.

I'm also really, really, comically bad at social interactions. I almost never speak to someone I don't know well before they speak to me, and my go-to conversation method is to laugh/giggle and nod, I literally can not make actual conversation to save my life. Sometimes I think of things to say but it doesn't occur to me to say them, or I try to but I'm scared and can't find an opening, or I do say the thing and people don't react the way I want them to (usually it's either confusion or disinterest).

Old ladies are my favorite people because they're the least scary somehow. I also love kids, but I'm still awkward so I rarely interact and probably still freak them out.

I'm horrible at keeping contact and I wait until I know people are offline to reply to their messages because conversation is stressful and I need time to think when I text. Group chats are a nightmare, so I pretty much ghost everyone when I'm in one.

I'm super attached to my family, though. I make an effort to create a deep bond with each of my siblings, and I'm the clingiest person in the world when it comes to my older sister.

I value people very deeply, which might be why I find them so intimidating. I love them and I want them to be happy, and I put too much pressure on the situation.

I used to hate being alone, and I still feel guilty or sad whenever I spend too much time by myself, although I actually love to be by myself, a lot of my hobbies and favorite places are solitary, and I usually prefer figuring things out on my own rather than having somebody right there trying to figure it out with me.

I'm incredibly empathetic. It's not like I can automatically sense people's emotions, but I do make an effort to pay attention and understand what they're feeling and why they feel that way. My siblings come and rant to me a lot, and I can be a good diplomat and see both points of view when they argue. I also care, and I always want to make people feel better, though it obviously doesn't always work. Sometimes I'm too empathetic, or maybe too creative, and I stress out about what someone might be feeling when I don't know if it's an actual issue or not.

Patterns and Stuff

I've always been good at remembering my parents’ phone numbers and our zip code, as well as my friends’ birthdays. I work at a grocery store where I find myself reciting the regular customers’ lottery numbers in my head as they're saying them to me.

My dad used to have a verbal checklist of what to bring to work each morning, and I still recite it every time I hear the words “wallet” and “keys” next to each other. Same goes for my old morning checklist that I don't even follow anymore.

I don't adhere to a strict routine in terms of the general structure of my day, but I definitely have a system or pattern for a lot of my specific activities.

Emotional Stuff

I've been obsessed with drawing and painting for as long as I can remember. I write all the time. I think I dedicated myself and a huge chunk of my life to my hobbies. If I like something, I like to think that I make it my own, and that thing permeates who I am.

When I first started listening to BTS, I scoured literally the entire Internet to find every possible hidden track any of the members ever touched, and there were A LOT. Lately I've been obsessed with Keeper of the Lost Cities, and I can't stop talking about the books. I'm also hyper fixated on Tomorrow X Together.

When I start something, I need to finish it, and I'll often think I'm so close to being done only to continue on it for several more hours, trying to hurry up and finish because I need to get it done now. I'm also pretty bad at switching tasks. I try to multitask, but it doesn't really work out.

I can easily forget about my own physical needs; particularly I don't usually realize when I'm hungry. Overall my needs are very flexible to the people around me; if you want to eat together, suddenly I'm hungry, if you don't feel like stopping, neither do I.

I'm a perfectionist, but I hate asking for help. This is especially true when it comes to my grades and my hobbies. I'm more comfortable when I can control the variables and nobody has to know if I fail.

I'm pretty sure I have executive dysfunction because I put so much pressure on doing things perfectly that I lose the motivation to do them at all, and as much as I need to get something done, I can't make myself do it.

Since I was little I've always been awkward and out of place. I feel like I take up too much space. Honestly, I feel like my existence is lame and embarrassing. I hate myself.

I absolutely suck at decision making, sometimes because I don't want to choose something that other people won't like and partially because I'm just really indecisive. Often I feel stuck or paralyzed because I can't choose one way or another.

Along those same lines, the responsibility of being told to do something for someone else is terrible, and I hate doing these things without incredibly specific instructions because I'm scared of messing up.

I also need to know exact details of whatever activity I'm doing before I do it, and I hate when something big isn't planned out in detail.

I used to have a lot of meltdowns as a child. I’d yell and cry and throw things when I was upset. This still happens sometimes, but not as frequently or as badly.

I feel guilty about everything, including mistakes from years ago that shouldn't matter anymore. This makes me feel sort of unworthy (?), like anything good I do is the bare minimum and if I cause a problem (through anxiety or executive dysfunction) that messes up a project, I feel like I have to do everything else perfectly to make up for it, although I usually end up feeling like I'm coddling myself instead.

I constantly compare myself to others. If someone else has a problem that's worse than what I deal with, I feel like I'm not allowed to have my own negative feelings.

I feel like none of my feelings are valid. I feel and think all sorts of dramatic things that seem like the end of the world, but compared to others, my problems are small, and I feel stupid for having them. I almost wish I had a bigger issue or more dangerous mental problems that would make my responses more reasonable, but my logical side knows that this thinking is wrong.

I've been dealing with off and on burnout since I was around twelve years old (so about five years). I've been told over and over that my mindset is wrong and I need to do a million things better mentally to be less of a perfectionist, but I don't have the energy to put in any effort whatsoever to fix myself. I still get random bursts of motivation that last for short periods of time, though.

Sometimes when I go to bed after a stressful day, I wake up in the morning and I have this uncontrollable dread about starting my day. The thought of getting up sounds impossible, and it's almost like there's something sitting in my chest keeping me down.

[asher-agere]

I should start using a sign off for these.. for the sake of simplicity maybe. I shall now morph myself into -🌙 anon yippeeeee

that aside, in regards to the alt close game offline hc list it got me thinking about smthn.. cg honami who finds herself needing to look after a very small and distressed nene since Toya isn’t available atm

-🌙

Another identified Anon! Happy to hear from you 🌙! And I can totally do that! Since it’s related to a past post I already have the dynamics in mind and everything hehe

Caregiver Honami + Little Nene Wanting Caregiver Toya

° ᡣ𐭩 . ° . ୭ ˚.⁺⊹ .ᐟ

✿ Most of the time Nene goes to Toya. She loves Honami a whole bunch of course! It’s just that Nene’s favorite thing to do is play games! Or watch someone play games. And Toya is really good at that! So obviously she goes to Toya more. Which leads to her being more reliant and attached to Toya. So when Toya isn’t available… Poor little one gets very stressed out very quickly

𐙚 If Nene ends up regressing when Toya is busy at first she’ll just whine really loudly to try and get attention. Moving and talking are really hard… Eventually Honami finds her of course! Honami will walk in and scoop the baby into her arms, softly cooing at her and bouncing her, trying to calm her down and figure out what the issue is. But that’s not what Nene wants! Where’s Toya? She’ll be looking over Honami’s shoulder trying to find her gaming caregiver. When she can’t find him she starts crying ( ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )

✿ Honami is able to figure out the problem pretty quick, and she’s onto trying to soothe the little one! Honami always has snacks ready, so she’ll walk into the kitchen and put a bottle of milk she already had prepped into the microwave, she’ll offer Nene little treats like cookies or muffins! But usually Nene won’t take any if she’s upset. But that’s ok! Soon enough the milk will be nice and warm for Honami to feed to the baby! Happy times!

𐙚 Even once Honami manages to calm Nene down, baby still wants to play games! The solution depends on her headspace age! If she’s a bigger toddler-like age then Honami will happily hold the little one in her lap, watching as Nene plays and praising her for her skills! If Nene feels too small to do that though Honami will try a game! Usually something very calm. Nothing at all with combat or stress… Just a slow paced peaceful game. And Nene gets to watch!

✿ Sometimes neither of them really wants to play games though, so they can watch play throughs! Honami doesn’t really get it, but she’s happy to coo at Nene’s reactions! Nene just gets so excited watching people play these games that she loves! Plus sometimes the people she’s watching play don’t know the tricks that she does hehe, makes her feel super duper smart! And Honami’s praise only makes her feel even better!

𐙚 Sometimes Honami will have stuff ready to bake when Nene is regressed! Mostly Nene just likes to watch, so they usually bake when Nene is a sleepy baby. That way she can also sleep through the baking time! But Honami has a bunch of game themed cookie cutters! Controller shaped ones, items from games, things that get Nene really excited! Honami will hold the baby while she bakes, then lay Nene down for her nap as the cookies go into the oven. Then by the time Nene wakes up the cookies are all cooled and ready to eat!

✿ Toya has definitely won a bunch of plushies for Nene from claw machines! So when Nene is missing him Honami brings them all out! Surrounding Nene in things that remind her of Toya! All the plushies Toya won for her, giving her one of Toya’s hoodies… It feels like being wrapped in a nice warm hug from him! It makes Nene very comfortable and happy overall. Once she gets to recharge surrounded by her Toya stuff she wants hugs from Honami though! After all she will loves both of her caregivers

° ᡣ𐭩 . ° . ୭ ˚.⁺⊹ .ᐟ

I don’t think these two have interacted much in canon? But after my last post about them it was pretty easy to piece things together! Have a wonderful day/night to everyone!

[briandthemoon]

hey! you've been offline for a while and i'm not sure if you're coming back, but i hope you're well! we used to talk and i randomly thought about you and i wanted to check in <3

Aww thank you anon!! <3 I didn't get notified for this ask so I'm vvvvv sorry I missed it til now, but yeah, I've been away for a while and I figure I should clarify some stuff. So I'm not dead, that's a big one. You're all good there. XD Mainly I've been kind of lurking on Tumblr but not posting for a number of reasons; mostly I got sick of my work getting reposted to Pinterest without links or with links to other people's reblogs. That and I kind of just gravitated to other platforms, but I do wanna post some art here again sometime.

[Small TW for medical mentions, non-graphic] The other major thing is that some pretty heavy medical things have been happening irl. I'm okay myself outside of a very very minor episode of stress-induced dermatillomania, however, a close family member has had a troubling diagnosis. I won't elaborate but it's been a massive mental health drain since most of my spare time is taken making sure they're ok and calming them down from bad anxiety episodes. So the tl;drs Am I coming back? Yeah, I'll try to. I'll mostly be lurking and vibing for now. Will I post art again? Probably, but if you want better art content, my instagram is THE place to go. Have I missed you all? Absolutely! Thank you anon for being so wonderful as to check in, and thank you to everyone who's still here and still vibing with me. You guys are amazing and I hope you've all been doing far better than I have, lmao.

[friendlystarfruit]

How do you deal with a bad day?

(srry for dyslexico errors) How I deal with a bad day is very subjective how I deal with a bad day wont be the same as everyone else , I am only gonna tell you about things I do I think are positive (I have had a history of panic attack depression etc)

One I listen to this song hold my pillow and cry into it (also I have a crush on Oili he looks like my oc =3 and he is vegan )

I stroke my face X_X I literally pet myself to calm down

I talk to somebody I trust talk it through. Hug. I have a big fear of losing my Mom that is part of the reason , I can go to her and she can come to me ; we both heal each other.

I try and keep opinions and decision making out of the picture during a panic attack or overwhelming feeling of depression , I think rational thinking is incredibly importante but can be distorted when you feel you arent coping, that is not to say I cant be rational during depression but not during a panic attack so I try to remind myself that give I say "I hate myself' I am just bullying myself feeling frustrated and need to cut myself a break.

I vent......I cry.........feel it out and try to reclaim my bearings and insight so I can think through things object fully and optimistically

I withdraw from places and people I dont feel I can be around at the time I am feeling low (e.g play video games offline) I sometimes don't feel up to video games but sometimes usually after a good ol cry I play them to distract myself. I know some people cant do this my older sister gets frozen with anxiety and like cant watch movies of play video games to calm down even when her state is more stable.

I watch impractical jokers to laugh (= (one of my favs bellow)

I watch the scene in puss in boots (when I was a child a pet dog did this to me when I was crying ) here

I spend time with animals <3 pet them talk to them.......feeding seagulls and crows is very therapeutic for me personally, they are just so goofy and they literally beam when you feed them like it brightens up their world to get some mash potato xD

I also binge watch seagulls on youtube lol esp seagulls stealing

[hanna-water]

Part 5 “I’ll Be Fine”: Talk about Popculture, Druck and Gen Z Popkultur Festival Berlin 2022, wednesday 24.08.2022 with Eren M. Güvercin, Nhung Hoang, Naomi Bechert (social media team during s5 – s6, writer of s7 and s8) Moderated by Aidan Riebensahm Naomi: (talks about how Gen Z gives her hope for the future and how the generations should work together to improve things. Then she says that millenials have kind of paved the way for Gen Z.) Eren: uhm wasn´t this also the generation before you, like your parents? Aidan: I wanted to add that actually. This were developments that took hundreds of years. And now things are finally progressing. Without putting all the pressure only on you because our age difference is not THAT big, right? Nhungi: I think that older generations also had a lot of similar demands but I think what is different is that we have been indoctrinated with this catastrophe-fetish. We get told “tomorrow the world ends.” all the time and then we say “shit tomorrow the world ends, then lets make the best out of it.”. And we try to solidars..... solidarise “damn shit”. (everybody laughs because she sweared) Aidan: “shit?” It´s ok I will allow it. Naomi: I`ve been told worse. Aidan: Eren said I witnessed ´68. (everyone laughs) Eren: I did not say you witnessed ´68 that was only a comparison. (laughs) Nhungi: yeah well, and because of the internet there is a lot of gun powder and we will try to change something. Eren: I think it is not like…. sometimes I think that our generation thinks too much of itself. And then I read about very interesting history, for example white boys (or wild boys?) 1920, google it. So many heavy things have happened even 100 years ago. Nhungi: do you remember? (to Aidan) Everyone laughs Eren: I think its important to think about who paved the way for the activism today. Aidan: (talks about how older generations were more forced to adjust and the younger generations are confident to just do their thing.) Naomi: (talks about how it is more normal nowadays to stand behind your values and the role of social media to encourage discussions) Aidan: How do you calm down and get the pressure off when everything is getting too much? Can you collect a few things? Nhungi: My best advice is to just go offline and go outside. See real people, learn to know real people, interact with them because what is shown on the internet and on your foryou page is not the reality. Its not what defines our society. I myself can easily lose myself in a rush of negativity, self-hate and negative thoughts when I don´t have a 15 minutes timer set up. And then I just turn everything off for a moment, go outside, talk to people, drink a coffee, meet my friends and its basically the best you can do. Its partly an avoidance strategy. Because then I don´t have to deal with those topics. But for me its like, how do I create a room for myself so that I can take this information in with a healthy mindset? Eren: I agree. I am more the type of person who likes to stay at home and does nothing. Turning the phone off, using no media in general and read a book and chill with it. Aidan: What are you currently reading? Eren: (laughs) recently I finished “21 lessons for the 21st century” by Yuval Noah Harari and now I start with “Feuchtgebiete” by Charlotte Roche (apparently the english title is “Wetlands”). laughter from the audience Aidan: I wrote a paper/essay about that in 8th grade. Naomi: That’s such a millennial book actually. Aidan: yes totally. Eren: I am fully excited. I am on page 1. Naomi: (talks about going to places in the nature to calm down) Eren: Or Falafel Halloumi. Around the corner of where I live, there is a Falafel restaurant where I just know, I can go there if I am not in the mood to do anything or if I have too much on my mind. Nhungi: support your locals! Aidan: support your local Fallafel Halloumi! Ok we will open for questions of the audience now.

[dangerousstrawberryshark]

Yandere Tubbo x Male Reader

Warning: little violence (not that detailed). 

This one is going to be short.

Requested from Pokadeathpony

Backstory: You live in Brighton, England, United Kingdom. (I don’t know where Tubbo lives nor do I know where Tommy lives) One day you were walking to go get some breakfast. Until you bumped into George one of your favorite Minecraft streamers and content creators. You were a small streamer, not that many viewers. You and George began to talk, he later invited you to see the dream SMP world, and you meet the other people of the dream SMP. You then got to meet Tubbo. You thought Tubbo was normal until it took a turn. A big turn. 

Btw you are 17. (Tommy will be turning 17 this year and Tubbo will be 18)

M/N: Male name

Y/T/N: Your Twitch Name.

M/U: Minecraft username

H/C: Hair color

S/C: Skin color

F/D/P: favorite donut place.

Sorry if this is bad.

You were sleeping peacefully until I heard the most annoying sound ever. 

*Beep, beep, beep,* “Ughhhhh.” You were trying to turn it off but you kept missing until you finally got it. ‘Finally got that stupid thing off!’ you thought to yourself. “What time is it?” I looked at the clock. “7:35 am. I might as well get up,” you said to yourself as you slowly got out of bed, stretching your muscles. 

You went to the bathroom to do your business and brush your teeth. After you were done, you grabbed my keys and went to go get breakfast.

As you were walking to go get your daily donuts and coffee, you suddenly bumped into someone causing me to fall. “You okay there?” the voice said, ‘I know that voice!’ you thought to yourself and looked up to see George, George Davidson!!

He handed his hand out, you grabbed his hand. “You alright,” he said, you couldn’t process anything, you just stared at him. You snapped out of your daze. “Yeah, I’m okay. I’m a fan of you by the way,” you replied with excitement. 

“Oh? Really?” he said, “Yes! I’m a big fan of yours! I’m actually a streamer just like you,” You replied. “Oh, really what’s your twitch name?” He asked, wondering maybe he’ll check you out. “Oh, Y/T/N!” 

“Okay, maybe check it out later today. Hey, wanna talk and get some food?” you couldn’t say no to that, how many get to eat with their favorite celebrity? “Yes, I would like. Either way, I was going there before I ran into you.” “Alright, let’s go.”

Time skip (You and George went to go eat, and later he checked out your Twitch channel. 3 days later, you got a DM from George saying; “Do you want to tour the Dream SMP world?” and you gladly accepted the offer. And this is where it all began.)

Y/N POV 

I recently got a message from George saying, “Do you want to tour the Dream SMP world?” and you (Or should I say “we”) know I accepted it. He said tomorrow is when it's happening. 

Time skip to tomorrow. 

I woke up earlier than usual, even beat my alarm clock before it could ring. I went to the bathroom and did my usual. George said he will invite me at 10:30 AM. “What time is it now?” I grabbed my phone and checked, “It's 7:10 AM. Will looks like I’m going to have to wait a while.”

Time skip (3 hours and 20 minutes later)

I hopped onto my PC and started it up. After it started, I opened up Minecraft and checked my Notifications. I received the invite I quickly joined in.

Tubbo POV

I was on the Dream SMP world with Tommy, Corpse, George, BBh, and Dream, when an unknown player had joined the game. That shouldn’t be possible since this server is private nobody can join be us.

“Hey who joined?” I questioned. “Oh, I met this small streamer while I was walking to go get breakfast 3 days ago, and I invited them over to give a tour of the place!” George enthusiastically over discord. 

‘Mmm, so they’re a streamer? Maybe I should get to know them.’ 

Time skip (To be honest this one is rushed. It’s currently 1:08 AM where I live and my mind isn’t functioning right now) 

After I introduced myself and the others did, we began to talk about random things. Apparently, M/N is currently streaming right now, and I went to go check it out. 

After I introduced myself and the others did, we began to talk about random things. Apparently, M/N is currently streaming right now, and I went to go check it out. 

M/N has a facecam on, and I get to see what he looks like. He had looked pulchritudinous. Absolutely exquisite. He had soft fluffy H/C hair, his nice S/C, and how his dazzling E/C shine brighter than the sun. I’m going to say it again, he is ravishing.

‘Wait, why am I calling a guy beautiful?’ this boy is triggering something in me. Something I never experienced before. Something in me wants me to protect him at all cost. ‘No stop thinking about that!’ I pushed these unfamiliar thoughts and feeling down.

As time went on my thing for M/N increased. I don’t know why I’m so infatuated with him. Tried ignoring the thoughts and feelings but they keep coming. 

‘Something is coming out of ME.’ 

Time skip ( 2 months after the meeting)

It’s been two months since our little meeting, M/N is officially part of the SMP world. I’ve been binge-watching M/N streams, his YouTube videos, and I also follow him on all his social media accounts, and sometimes I’ll search the internet to find small information. 

I was currently on a website about M/N. it listed all of the information about him since meeting George is grew rapidly on Twitch and YouTube. ‘I already know all of this!’ I thought to myself as I kept scrolling down until I came upon something interesting. 

“M/n current residence in Brighton, England, United Kingdom.” my eyes widen as I read this, ‘He lives close to me!’ I yelled in my mind. 

I was fanboying until I heard my notifications sound. I stopped what I was doing went to go check who it was from. M/N invited me, I immediately accepted it. The world was loading. “Hello!” M/n yelled.   

It was me, M/N, Tommy, and dream on the server. I noticed that Tommy has been getting close to M/n, really close to for my liking. Tommy would sometimes even flirt, this obviously made me jealous for some reason. 

We were minding our own business until “Hey M/n! Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see!” that was the most terrible pick-up line I have ever heard. “Oh my God Tommy?! Really?” M/n said but he was Laughing at that. 

This only made me INFURIATED.

M/n POV

I was minding my own business trying to build my home since I joined 2 weeks ago. The only other people on the server were me, tubbo, Tommy, and dream. Anyway, I was nearly done until Tommy said something, “Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see!”

That has to be the most dumbest and funniest pick-up line I heard. “Oh my God Tommy! Really?!” I said while laughing at his attempt at flirting with me. 

Then Tommy went on to say more stupid pick-up line. Some of them were like, “Hey, my name's Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?” and “Are you related to Jean-Claude Van Damme? Because Jean-Claude Van Damme you’re sexy!” Just to name a few. 

I noticed that Tubbo hasn’t been talking as much. I wonder what’s wrong with him. I didn’t take note that was going to lead to something atrocious. 

Anyways we still had fun, Tommy kept trying to flirt. “Hey M/n, I was wondering if we could meet up since you know, we both live in Brighton,” Tommy with hope in his voice, hoping you accept his offer. I began to think, ‘Mmm, should I? Or should I not?’

“You know what? Sure. What time do you want to meet?” I accepted his request. “Uhhhhhh, Maybe on Thursday at 5:30. Meeting place F/D/P.” Tommy replied. “Alright! See you there,” I replied.

No One’s POV

Tubbo was fuming with anger as he was listening in on their conversation. ‘No!!!!! I can’t let this happen! I need to do something.’ Tubbo was thinking to himself, but he didn’t notice that M/n and Tommy had stop talking.

“Hey, Toby! Are you okay? You haven’t been talking,” Tommy said with concern. “Yeah, I’m just fine you know!” Tubbo said with venom and anger in his voice. “Wow there calm down, I was just asking. Geez,” Tommy backed knowing that his friend is anger. 

‘Why is he angry? I did nothing wrong!’ Tommy thought to himself, wanting to know what he did. “You know what, I think I’m going to leave,” Tubbo said as he left the game and went offline. 

“What’s his big deal?” M/n questioned. “I don’t know,” Tommy replied, “I gotta go. See ya later M/n!” “Bye Tommy!” Tommy has left the game. 

Meanwhile. 

“I need to find a way to prevent this meetup!” Tubbo said to himself. Then an idea came into mind. An extreme idea. 

New Messages 

Today at 4:23

Toby: Hey, Tommy. Sorry I lashed out at you today.

Delivered at 4:23 

Tommy is tying…

Tommy: it’s alright mate.

Delivered at 4:23

Toby is typing…

Toby: How about we meet up, so I can apologize in person.

Delivered at 4:24

Tommy is typing…

Tommy: today or tomorrow? Cause I have a meeting with M/n. 

Delivered at 4:24

When Tommy mentioned the meeting toby had to act fast. 

Toby is typing…

Toby: today at my place.

Delivered at 4:25

Tommy is typing…

Tommy: sure thing! When exactly?

Delivered at 4:25

Toby is typing…

Toby: 5:30 

Delivered at 4:25

Tommy is typing…

Tommy: Okay, see you at 5:30

Delivered at 4:26

‘And that WILL be the last time you see.’

Time skip (1 hour 4 minutes)

Toby heard his door knocked. Toby went to go open his door, and there he sees his target. “Hey, Toby!” Tommy let himself in. “So where are your parents?” Tommy questioned. 

“Oh, they’re on their anniversary vacation,” Toby answered. “Ohhh, okay. Wanna head to your room?” “Sure I just need to go get something.” “Okay.” 

While Tommy went upstairs, Toby went into the kitchen. He grabbed the knife and slowly began to walk, he hid the knife behind his back. Once he walked into his room, he locked the door and slowly began to approach Tommy. 

“What are you doing Toby?!” Tommy yelled as walked backward, but then he hit the wall. “It was never meant to be.” those would be the last words, Tommy would ever hear as Toby shoved the knife into Tommy’s heart. 

Toby cleaned up the body by putting it into the trash bag along with the knife. He quickly disposed of the body. 

3 days later

Tommy was reported missing by his parents and the police were on the search. M/n was worried. Toby called M/n to do a cooking stream. M/n was suspicious about this cause this came out of nowhere. But in the end, M/n agreed. 

A few hours have passed and M/n arrived at the residence of Toby. m/n knocked on the door waiting for an answer just then the door swung open revealing a smiling Toby. 

“Hey there M/n! Glad that you arrived!” Toby sounded a bit too happy for your liking. “Please come in!” he invited you in. But as you walked, you heard the door close and lock behind you. Just as you turned around you got knocked by a heavy object. 

You slowly began to wake, you noticed that you were tied up. You looked around until your eyes landed on Toby. He had a wicked smile plaster on his face. 

“Why are you doing this?” you asked desperately wanting to know why. ‘Did he cause Tommy to go missing?’ You thought to yourself until you hear Toby coming to you. 

“You know, I always reject this feeling inside me. This feeling caused me to love you. Tommy was getting in the way of us being together, he had to be dealt with.”

“You’re a monster! You killed Tommy and you think I’m going to love you?!” this angered Toby but didn’t show it. “You’ll learn to love… cause you’ll be staying here…

Forever…”

[xlynnbbyx]

You state you focus on positivity on your blog but all you do is post trashy asks with unverified information attacking other blogs or fans. That is incitation of hate, in case you didn't know. Bet you are going to ignore this one because you seem to enjoy only posting things that trash this or that.

So I don’t have to repeat myself going to answer this asks all at once. Now there are 2 ways I can answer these. I could let my Italian side take over and end up being rude. That or I could just remain calm and answer as nicely as I can. Hmm think I am going to try the 2nd option here.

First off while I post asks that seems to trashing others doesn’t mean I think the same way. When I say I am answering asks I sometimes do say what asks to send or not send and it gets ignored. If I ignore the asks then I’m getting asks saying why am I ignoring it. If I answer then I am getting asks saying why am I answering them. So either way I am in a lose lose situation. You either want me to ignore it or answer can’t have both. I am not spreading any negativity about Jared fans. Cause some of those asks want me to but I don’t. I actually adore Jared. I never said 1 thing negative towards Jared or Jared fans cause I follow several blogs who love Jared more then Jensen. I never had any of them say I’m being negative towards them cause they know I’m not. Anyone who posts an ask about criticizing Jensen I don’t always take their word for it. I will mention if I have seen it myself and where I seen it. I’m not going to posts screenshots of it cause I’m not doing others research for them. But I don’t always agree with what I get. Maybe I need to word it differently. But it’s why I say IGNORE THE HATE! It’s why I say I can’t control what others posts cause I can’t. I left Tumblr the first time cause of rude people in the wrestling fandom. Which trust me is worse than the spn fandom.

I’m really getting out done with these rude asks. I’m thinking of closing my asks when I am offline for the night. Cause people are seriously pushing my buttons here and I don’t want to be rude. No matter what I say I get rude asks. I need to redo my pinned post. But I think I’m going to close asks soon. No matter what say I am getting hate. Anyone who knows me or been following me can see I keep my blog as positive as I can! You want me to ignore asks but get mad when I do. I’m in a lose lose situation here.

[meltwonu]

| 🍒 CH-CH-CHERRY BOMB! 🍒 |     [CHAPTER 3]

pairing; dom!seungcheol x camgirl!reader

this chapter’s notes; camshow, anal play, panty stuffing, toys that have fake cum, a bit of drunk ‘n dom!seungcheol, masturbation, daddy!kink 😳😏 yall! and we are back! I’m sorry we had to take a pause from last week but hopefully we won’t have anymore issues! 😭😭  this chapter is about 6.5k so strap in for the ride yall! and as always, thank you all soooo much for the support and love on my fics T_T it means so much to me! 💕 I hope yall have a good weekend bbys!! 🍒 

chapters; 1 - 2 - 3 - ?

dom.cheol has donated $250

angelhan: :( i still cant believe i missed ur morning show…

chwenon: me too, i wouldn’t have stayed up til 6am had i known lol

sleepy_wonu: tbf, i couldve gotten kicked out of lab if i got caught watching… worth it tho

dom.cheol: i was at work but anything for u, baby.

You can’t help but pout at the camera reading the comments; knowing that some of your viewers were working or in class when you had done your surprise show. “Aww, m’sorry… I know it was so out of place for me but… You guys probably get it too, right?” You pause, sliding off of the pillow you were sitting on top of. You’d done a short show tonight; doing a strip tease for the camera before mounting a pillow and grinding against it until you came; fingertips gripping onto the silk as breathy moans spilled from your lips.  

“Y’know? When you wake up and you’re just so needy.”

hoshi_tiger_xx: all the time, baby!

gentleman_josh95: literally me this morning ;(

“Right? See you guys get me!” You giggle. The sound of donations and comments sound off in the background as you zone out for a second.

It had already been a couple days since then and this was your first show back. You and Seungcheol had texted sporadically; a little bit of awkwardness on both ends if you were completely honest. He seemed genuinely shy which was not what you expected at first but you also knew it must’ve been weird for him to suddenly have unrestricted access to you. Seungcheol seemed to be unsure of what he was able to ask you or talk to you about, even though you had assured him that you wanted to get to know him just like regular friends.

In your case, Seungcheol was undeniably hot and seemed to really like you which sent the butterflies in your stomach soaring each and every time your phone pinged.

kitty_junjun: hey can i ask a weird question

You tilt your head, eyes blinking cutely at the camera. “Of course!”

kitty_junjun: do u think you’ll ever have a show with someone else? Like a guest or sth? I know we’ve asked before but i’m just curious since your anniversary is comin up again...

Biting your lip, you watch as the others chime in, asking the same question. In truth, you had considered it maybe once or twice. But that came with risks. Not only would you have to find someone who was okay with being on camera with you, but you also ran the risk of losing viewers if they weren’t happy with who it was or how it turned out.

Seungcheol bites his lip reading the comments; he’d thought about it too.

He thought about if he’d be jealous, which he convinced himself he wouldn’t be. He would.

And whether or not he would pay to be the person to join you on cam and fuck you in front of all your viewers.

He definitely would.

“Mmm… I mean, I definitely thought about it before? But wouldn’t it be weird to see someone else on my shows? And, like, an actual… guy?” You watch the comments fly past, donations getting lost in the flurry of comments saying that you should do it.

universe_WZ: and miss the chance of seeing u getting fucked and put in ur place like a good girl?

universe_WZ: i will pay top dollar

alphagyu97: same

artist8hao: also same

dom.cheol: you already know how much we’d all love to see your cute lil cunt getting filled up with a real cock, sweetheart.

You bite your lip in thought, glancing at the camera with a coy expression. “Hmm, okay! I’ll keep thinking about it… I really want to but it’s gonna take some time to find the right person and make sure they’re okay with being on cam with me too~”

j__min: u should ask me, i cam sometimes too… we should collab ;)

Trying to hide the awkwardness, you laugh it off, tucking a few stray hairs behind your ear. “Oh? A camboy that watches me? That’s interesting~”

There were usually only 13 of your viewers who you considered to be your ‘regulars’ and you knew them all by their usernames. Of course, there were others who seemed to comment here and there and lots of anonymous donations and comments as well. But the newcomer seemed to be very interested in you and you weren’t sure how to take it just yet.

“Hmm~ Okay! I think I’m gonna end the show here! It’s getting kinda late now, huh? I ended up staying and chatting too long again~”

dom.cheol has donated $300

universe_WZ has donated $100

dom.cheol: it’s okay baby we like talking to u :)

sleepy_wonu: agreed

You stick your tongue out, winking at the camera before you say your goodbyes and last few thank you’s.

“I’ll see you guys next time~ Sleep well and dream of me!”

Seungcheol takes a deep breath, rolling his computer chair away from his desk as soon as you go offline. You’d been as cute as you normally were, but this time he felt like your lust filled eyes pierced the screen a little harder than usual.

He reaches for his phone, opening your text window before typing a quick response. ‘Great show tonight, baby. ;)’ Pausing, he wonders if it’s a little too weird to text right after you’d finished a show; but instead hits send. The read receipt shows up immediately after which alerts Seungcheol you already had your text window up when he messaged you.

babygirl 🍒 : i was just about to message u!! hehe, how are u?

Seungcheol bites his lip. Would it be too much to call? He ponders.

‘Hey, is it okay to call? If ur busy, it’s okay. Just figured it’d be quicker than typing.’ He hits send before he can regret it, watching as the read receipt shows up under his message again.

In a few seconds, it’s his phone that rings, your display name at the top as he accepts your call.

“Cheollie!” Seungcheol’s heart threatens to beat out of his chest at your nickname for him, hand clutching the phone tightly as he tries to calm himself down. “Hey, sweetheart. Sorry, you must be tired? I just thought this would’ve been quicker.” He chuckles, standing from his computer chair as he makes his way towards his bed.

“Oh, not at all! I’m just tidying up so I have you on speaker right now~ If that’s okay?”

“Mm, of course, baby.”

Seungcheol takes the time to lay in his bed, a deep sigh escaping him as he relaxes into the sheets. “Everything okay, ‘Cheol?” Your voice is soft and gentle; music to his ears as he stares at the ceiling.

“Yeah! Just… the comments have been weird, huh?” He ends it with an awkward laugh, hoping you knew exactly what he was talking about.

“Oh, are you talking about people asking me to invite someone or the new guy in the comments?” Seungcheol doesn’t know which he wants to talk about first. “I guess both?” He inquires, hoping that it’s not too prying.

You make a humming noise on the other end, deciding which one to address first. “Mm, I mean… I would love to have someone else on the show with me but I don’t know… Don’t you think it’d be weird? I feel like I’ve been doing my show for so long by myself but maybe I should start trying other stuff…” You trail off, leaving it open-ended for Seungcheol’s opinion.

“It’s ultimately up to you, sweetheart. But---But if you do, just promise me you’ll make sure everything with this person checks out, okay? I mean--I just want you to be safe, don’t let it just be some weirdo off the internet.” Seungcheol blushes, words leaving his lips in a hurried mess. Sometimes he hated how overprotective he was of you. “And--and make sure they take a STD test and stuff, y’know?” Your giggles pour out of the phone receiver as Seungcheol hides his face in one of his pillows.

“Is this in reference to the ‘j__min’ person offering their services?” Yes.

“No…” Seungcheol mutters, somehow already knowing that you didn’t believe it.

“‘Cheol~ don’t worry. I’m not gonna get into cahoots with someone I don’t know. And honestly, it kinda weirds me out how he came out of nowhere… Makes me wonder if he was some anonymous viewer or donator this entire time and then decided to have a name.” There’s a pause on your end; Seungcheol hearing the washing machine going off.

“And anyway, if I were to do a cam show with someone else, I think I’d want to know them really well, don’cha think? Like a friend, maybe?”

Seungcheol lets you go to sleep after 15 more minutes of chatting; making sure you down a glass of water and get some food delivered before he lets you go for the night.

He places his phone down onto the nightstand, tugging his shirt off as he stands. But his phone pings not a second later, confusion crossing his features as he picks it up.

‘Hey hyung, don’t forget we’re going to that new diner across town tomorrow after work!!! I’m gettin me some disco fries baby!!!! - ggukie’

Seungcheol ends work 30 minutes later than he should the next day and Jeongguk watches from the concession stand as Seungcheol trudges over, fingertips running through his silvery-blue hair as he sighs.

“Some kid fuckin’ puked in the restroom and nobody wanted to clean it up so guess who did.” He complains, leaning his head onto the cool countertop as Jeongguk pats his head comfortingly. “Not my job but you should’ve called someone else. Where was Yoongi-hyung?”

“Gone, as per usual. We both know he clocks out 30 minutes early.”

The two laugh half-heartedly, making sure they have their things before they leave for the night. The night shift crew had already checked in just a few minutes prior; Taehyung and Hoseok waving them off as they leave.

They hop into Seungcheol’s car; Jeongguk already fiddling with the radio controls as Seungcheol puts in the address for the new diner that had opened up. “I hope this place is good. It seems to get a lot of good reviews for a place that just opened up, like, two weeks ago.” Jeongguk nods, settling into his seat as Seungcheol pulls out of the parking lot.

“We live in a city that’s straight out of an episode of Riverdale. I mean, we work at a roller rink? And there’s diners all over? But we’re in the present day with present day technology? Soon we’ll be Archie and Jughead. Except I want to be Jughead since I have the tattoos so you can be Archie. Or we can both be, like, from the Serpents but I still want to be Jughead.”

Seungcheol raises a brow at Jeongguk’s references.

“I don’t know that show so all of that just went over my head.”

It takes approximately 30 minutes to get across town; the huge neon lights from the diner welcoming them into the parking lot as Seungcheol parks the car somewhere near the entrance.

“God, was it just me or did that take a long time? I’m fuckin’ starving.” Seungcheol mutters; hopping out of the driver’s seat. “I think you’re just hungry, hyung.” Jeongguk offers, jogging up to the other male as they make their way to the doors.

Thankfully, the place seemed relatively empty for a Thursday night, a lone male standing at the front of the diner in a pastel coloured uniform.

“Hey! Welcome to Dynamite, my name’s Jun! Table for two?” Seungcheol nods slowly, eyes narrowing at the male who, for whatever reason, seemed familiar.

Jun picks up two menus, guiding them to a booth in the far corner of the diner. “We’re just a little understaffed tonight so I’ll also be your server tonight! Can I get you guys some water to start?” The two nod as they sit in the multi-coloured booth. “Hey, can I ask you something?” Jun blinks, nodding slowly as Seungcheol peers up at him from where he’s seated.

“I feel like I’ve met you? It’s weird. I’m pretty sure we’ve never met though…?” Seungcheol trails off, confused eyes meeting Jun’s. Jun wracks his brain, unsure, but feeling the same way. “I dunno, I feel the same but I’m pretty sure we never met. Maybe a past life thing?”

Jeongguk laughs, eyes too focused on the menu in front of him. “Oh, that’d be weird as fuck.”

“Anyway, I’ll come back with your water!” Jun walks away, leaving Seungcheol and Jeongguk to go through the menu.

“Hey, Seungcheol-hyung?”

“Mm?”

“I know you said you’re usually busy on the weekends but I’m doing a PUBG stream on Saturday and was wondering if you wanted to hang? I asked Yoongi-hyung too and he’s coming over to drink and hang out.” Seungcheol’s lips press into a firm line, eyes burning holes into the menu in front of him.

Jeongguk was a video game streamer sometimes and his streaming schedule lined up with yours which is why Seungcheol almost never had a chance to watch or be a part of Jeongguk’s. “Um, what time is it at?”

“I’m thinking of streaming from like 6PM to midnight or somethin’. But you don’t have to be there the entire time! Just thought it’d be cool to hang out on the weekends for once.”

Seungcheol nods slowly, glancing up at Jeongguk who’s already staring back at him. “I can probably show up for a bit? I need to leave by 10 though, I, uh, sleep early sometimes.” He knows Jeongguk doesn’t buy it, but a smile paints itself onto the younger male’s face in an instant.

“Cool! Wow, didn’t think you’d say yes actually.”

The older male nods, a tight smile on his lips. Your cam schedule was almost always on time; Fridays, Saturdays, every other Monday, and every other Wednesday at 11PM. Sometimes you’d have surprise shows, like before, but you often kept to your schedule unless something important came up. “I know, I get so busy on the weekends, y’know?”

Jun comes back with their waters, setting them down on the table before fishing out a pad and paper to take their orders. “What are you doing on the weekends anyway? I feel like I’ve never asked directly but you never return my calls on Fridays and Saturdays.” Seungcheol freezes mid-order, hands gripping the laminated menu. “Um, and a cherry coke, please, thank you. And I told you ‘Guk, I… I just like to unwind on the weekends, I like to enjoy my quiet time so--so sometimes I just turn my phone off, y’know?.”

Jeongguk puts his order in with Jun who runs their order back before he walks off again. “Is working at the roller rink that bad? I know it can get wild sometimes but… are you thinking about quitting?”

In truth, Seungcheol had thought about it before when he was first starting out at the roller rink. But he also knew it paid too well for him to leave just yet. “Nah, just… it gets loud, y’know? I end up doing jobs around the place that I’m not qualified to do. And with Namjoon-hyung gone still, we’re shorthanded. I thought about picking up another job for some extra cash, but with what time?” Seungcheol grabs his glass of water, lips puckered around the plastic straw as he takes a sip.

“You should cam!”

Water sprays all over the table as Seungcheol sputters, choking on the liquid. “The---what!?” Jun runs over with a stack of pink tissues, helping to wipe up the water as Jeongguk stares from across the table with a wide grin. He waits until Jun leaves again; eyes fixated on Seungcheol and the crimson blush that coats his cheeks and ears. “It’d be easy money for you. You’re not exactly ugly, and you can cover your face!”

“Why exactly are you suggesting that!? Why’d you go straight for that!?” Seungcheol screams under his breath.

“Let’s be real, it’s crossed my mind so it’s probably crossed yours too. You can always just game too, but if you need cash quick y’know… And hey, I have some extra equipment so…” Jeongguk trails off, wiggling his eyebrows at Seungcheol suggestively.

Seungcheol had actually thought about that too. Maybe once or twice.

But after he’d spoken to you and found out just how difficult it really was to keep your viewers engaged and how difficult it was trying to find new ideas to bring to your cam show, he knew it wasn’t as easy as most people thought it’d be. You always put in extra effort in your cam shows and it was a whole production with effort and ideas. Sometimes it took you days to even come up with a theme for a show and sometimes it didn’t do as well as you’d hoped.

“Um, if I ever do, I’ll let you know ‘Guk.”

Saturday comes sooner than Seungcheol knows and he’s antsy. He could barely even enjoy your cam show from the night prior knowing that he had to haul ass back home after Jeongguk’s stream. He plots out the drive home; times it just perfectly so he still has some spare time to relax before your show starts.

For a second, he wonders if it was the right decision or if he should’ve just stayed home like he normally did. But he quickly shakes the thoughts out of his head; glad to get out of his apartment and spend time with his friends on the weekends for once.

He makes it to Jeongguk’s place on time, a box of beer tucked under his arm when he knocks on the door. Shockingly, it’s Yoongi on the other end who greets him; a lopsided smile on his face as he ushers Seungcheol inside. “‘Guk was setting up so…”

“I brought more beer! He said you were spending the night on his sofa so drink all you want, hyung.” Yoongi nods, plopping back down onto the sofa as Seungcheol makes his way towards Jeongguk’s PC room.

The entire room is lined with LEDs, posters of anime and various video games lining all the spaces between the soundproofing pads that Jeongguk haphazardly attached to the wall.

“Yooo, how’s the setup coming?”

“I’m almost ready!”

It takes 20 more minutes of Jeongguk fiddling before he sits in his expensive gaming chair; Seungcheol close behind as he watches the younger male pull up the loading screen. “You’re not drinking, hyung?”

Seungcheol shakes his head, legs crossed as he leans back in the spare desk chair. “Nah, I drove here. Gotta be responsible, kid.” Jeongguk shakes his head, placing his headset and mic on before starting his stream.

“Hey guys! Welcome back to Golden Closet Gaming! I’m doing a PUBG stream tonight and one of my closest friends is here so if you hear him on the mic, that’s definitely not a ghost this time!” A concerned look crosses Seungcheol’s features but he laughs lightly. “Hey guys, I’m Seung---I’m, uh… I’m---SCOUPS!” He blurts out in a hurry; using his gaming username instead.

“And I’m your main player, JK!”

Watching Jeongguk game so seriously is interesting for Seungcheol. They take a break an hour and a half into Jeongguk’s streaming session to get food and drinks; immediately going back to the PC room right after.

But it makes Seungcheol wonder what it was like on your end to always be alone filming in your bedroom to thousands of people in such an intimate setting. For a second, it makes him sad, wondering if you ever felt lonely after your shows were over. Or if you were so tired and could barely take care of yourself.

I would’ve gladly been the one to take care of you after your shows, he thinks.

“Fuck you too, asshole! Get the fuck out!”

Jeongguk’s screaming brings him out of his sad thoughts; a brow raised as he peers at the screen. How the younger male had the energy to game for so long was beyond him sometimes.

“Uhhh anyway comments are asking what I should stream next week? I dunno, give me some ideas? Not the SIMS again though...” Jeongguk mutters. “Oh, j__min said I should play The Last of Us?”

The name has Seungcheol perking up in an instant, leaning over Jeongguk’s shoulder as his eyes dance over the comments.

j__min: bro u were supposed to stream that like 4 streams ago, wtf 

seokGENIE: its a good game tho, id be interested in seeing how badly u do

j__min: actually yea me too lmao

Seungcheol’s eyes narrow slightly. Surely it couldn’t be? He thinks. The typing style wasn’t the same at all but the username was, which sent Seungcheol’s mind into a frenzy at the possibility.

But unfortunately for Seungcheol, Jeongguk launches into another match which means he had to wait another time to ask about it. He notes it mentally, making sure to get answers as soon as he can.

10PM comes sooner than Seungcheol expects and he lets Jeongguk know when it’s 9:50PM and while they’re in the middle of a break that he needs to go.

“Damn, where did time go? But okay, hyung! Sorry we didn’t really talk and I just gamed the entire time but maybe next time we can actually do something else? Go out for drinks maybe?” He shoots the older male his best puppy eyes until Seungcheol sighs and gives in, nodding as he fishes for his car keys.

“I’ll see you at work, okay?”

Seungcheol waves at Yoongi still glued to the sofa; a tiny wave of his own as he wishes Seungcheol a safe drive home.

He makes it home at exactly 10:32PM, toeing his shoes off before shucking off his jacket and tossing it onto the back of the sofa. He shuffles to the kitchen and grabs a few beers out of the fridge; already downing two entire bottles before he even makes it to his PC.

The buzz feels good when he sits down, taking a swig of his third bottle as he boots up his computer. In the meantime, he checks his phone, scrolling through apps and deleting notifications.

A text pops up at the top of his phone’s screen.

babygirl 🍒 : see u soon :)

Seungcheol smirks; ego inflated knowing that he was the only one getting that text message.

He checks the clock, 10:56PM, and loads up your profile, simultaneously finishing off his third can of beer since he’d gotten home.

For whatever reason, you’re nervous when you finally sit down in front of your camera setup tonight. You adjust your baby pink lace bra that Seungcheol had gotten you; a cherry blush on your cheeks as the giddiness pours over you.

Checking the clock, you notice it’s already 10:59PM, finger hovering over the ‘rec’ button before pressing it.

It takes a second before the comments already start flooding in; the sound of donations and comments flying across the screen in an instant.

“Whoa~ You guys are so eager tonight, huh? Already so many donations! Thank you!” You shift slightly onto your side, biting your lip. “We’re already so close to the minimum donations for me to start… what’s up with you guys?”

tangerine_kwan: I’m so glad to see u, yesterday was not enough

therealchan99: fuckin talk abt it dude, i almost quit my job im stressed i need to see u princess

dom.cheol has donated $500

dom.cheol: fuck, baby i need to see your pretty lil pussy already i’m so fuckin hard

Your eyes go wide with Seungcheol’s massive donation. He usually waited until you were mid-show or towards the end to donate such huge amounts of money and yesterday he seemed relatively quiet during your show. It threw you off slightly, but you just assumed he might’ve just been going through some things at the time. “Seems like you guys had a rough week, huh?”

xcaliburDK: gOD u dont even know, ur literally my stress relief, beautiful

kitty_junjun: yea i just started working at a new place and its… weird, just glad to be off today

Pouting at the camera, you lean in a little closer. “Hmm, guess I should start then, shouldn’t I~? Since you all seem like you need a ‘lil escape~”

gentleman_josh95 has donated $45

sleepy_wonu has donated $70

sleepy_wonu: please put us out of our misery, baby

You can’t help but giggle, sliding the bra straps down your shoulders before you unhook the material and toss it to the other side of the bed. “This cute setup didn’t last very long this time! Should I upload some pics later to my private room?”

alphagyu97: plz

chwenon: yes yes yes lewds plz

“Okay~” You pause, fingertips hooked onto the sides of your panties. “I actually… wanted to try a new toy…” You murmur, shyness taking over as you slowly slide your already wet panties down your thighs. Sitting back down, you slide them off completely before you place them next to you, glancing at the comments as you cross your ankles.

artist8hao: wait was that…

universe_WZ: i think so

hoshi_tiger_xx: plz plz plz let us seeeeee

dom.cheol has donated $200

dom.cheol: spread your legs, sweetheart. Let daddy see.

You clench your teeth at the arousal that pools in your lower abdomen; shaky legs parting towards the camera. Squirming slightly, the plug that you had eased into your ass shifts, making you mewl at the feeling. You’d tried using your fingers in the past, but by far, the toy was the biggest you’d used yet.

“I--I… I bought this toy m-myself ‘cause I wanted to… wa--wanted to… start learning how to t-take cock in my ass too…”

The way you sit on the bed has the toy fully seated inside of you, toes curling against the bed sheets as your hazy eyes flit to the camera. “I dunno how long I’m gonna last, it feels so good~” You moan, grinding against the sheets underneath you.

angelhan has donated $150

angelhan: i’m begging please, panty stuffing

You bite your lip, eyes dancing over to the lace material sitting next to you. “Hmm~ I don’t think I’ve ever done that on my show before… Should I try it?” You ask cutely, flashing the camera a cheeky smile. The donations pour in like rain; the pinging making your stream lag for a second as it tries to keep up.

dom.cheol has donated $400

tangerine_kwan has donated $100

dom.cheol: fuck, sweetheart lets see you get those panties fucking soaked

universe_WZ has donated $200

“Guess we have our answer?” You laugh airily, reading a few of the comments that were basically begging you to.

Spreading your legs as wide as you can, you maneuver yourself against your pillows; grabbing the lacy material. You quickly adjust the camera with a remote, zooming in until it’s focused on your soaking folds. “Ngh, I’m already so fuckin’ wet… this plug is really making me feel so full~”

dom.cheol: i bet your cute lil ass could barely take my fuckin cock huh

“Mmh, is daddy gonna fuck my ass and make me cum nice and hard?”

yes, yes yes, god yes!

Seungcheol could die right now and be happy.

He wraps a hand around his cock, hips shallowly thrusting up into his closed fist as he watches you run your own fingertips through your wet folds before you sink two of them into your tight pussy. His eyes flutter shut, the image of himself fucking your tight ass as you whine and beg for his cum dancing behind his eyelids.

The alcohol in his body has him on edge even quicker; the grip he has on his cock loosening so he doesn’t cum as quickly.

“A-ah… g--guess it’s time to try this…” You whisper, reaching for the lacy panties. You drag the material up your thigh teasingly, swinging it around your wet fingertips before you place it against your entrance.

You take a deep breath, slowly pushing the panties into your pussy.

tangerine_kwan: oh my god oh my god

alphagyu97: fuck thsts so hot fuck

angelhan: spread your legs more, please god

Your lust filled eyes glance towards the comments, shakily spreading your legs as far as they can go. “O-oh god it--it feels suh--so good…” You mewl, pressing the material further and further into your pussy.

“It’s d-different but… but it’s--it’s--mmh!” 

You’re cumming before you know it, toes curling against the sheets as you cum around the toy in your ass and your fingers and panties deep inside your pussy.

Your legs threaten to clamp shut in an instant, which you fight off; the sound of donations and coins clinking flooding your eardrums. “I--fuh--fuck, I--I didn’t know I was gonna c-cum from that!” You let out a breathy laugh, moaning as you continue to push the panties inside of you until the fabric is completely gone from the camera’s view.

chwenon: now will u sell those

hoshi_tiger_xx: please once again i am begging I AM BEGGING

“Aww~ I wish I could… but you guys know my rules~” You pout; body warm and fuzzy after your first, unexpected orgasm. “God, I didn’t… I really didn’t know that’d make me cum so easily~”

dom.cheol: fuck sweetheart, your cute lil cunt cums so fuckin easily

“I know~ I have such a greedy pussy… Always want something filling me up…” You wink at the camera, reaching for a toy that was out of view. “I have another toy~ hehe, tonight is just full of new things, huh?”

You show the toy off to the camera, shifting so that you're on your knees instead. “It looks like a regular dildo right? But it’s full of cum! Not real cum anyway, but cum lube… It’s not the same but it’ll have to do for now~”

therealchan99: oh fuck oh god

sleepy_wonu: aww is the princess gonna let it cum in her cute ass?

artist8hao has donated $75

kitty_junjun has donated $50

dom.cheol: lets see that ass fuckin take all that cock baby

dom.cheol: let it cum in ur pretty lil hole

dom.cheol: fuck

You zoom your camera back out, turning to your side enough so that you could still see your monitor but also still be in frame. “Yeah? Does daddy wanna see how a good girl takes cock in her ass?” Moaning, you reach behind you, fingers on the end of the plug as you slowly pull it out. The stretch makes your back arch slightly; legs trembling when the larger part of the toy finally breaches past the puckered muscle.

The sudden emptiness only makes you reach for the dildo faster, covering it with lube before you place it against your ass. “D’you think I can take it?”

tangerine_kwan: i kno u can baby

sleepy_wonu: yes eys yes

dom.cheol: daddy knows u can, sweetheart

You place the toy at your puckered hole, biting your lip and telling yourself to relax before you slowly start easing it into your ass. “O-oh fuck…” You had made sure the toy was on the smaller size since it was your first time but the stretch of it still had your body tensing up almost immediately.

It takes a long and torturous minute until the toy is fully seated in your ass; body buzzing at the sensation. “G-god it--fuck, it feels even better than the plug~” You whine, maneuvering until you were sitting down on the toy completely.

You let your body adjust to the new feeling for a moment before you’re bouncing on the dildo, loud cries and garbled moans spilling from your lips. The new feeling has you chasing your high insanely fast; tuning out the comments and noises as you focus on your own pleasure.

Your mind can’t help but imagine Seungcheol again; his hands roaming your skin and his deep voice growling filthy praises into your ear as he fucks you from behind. You clench around the toy and the panties still in your pussy, wrecked sobs on your lips at the thought.

Before Seungcheol, you always imagined nameless hands on your body or even resorted to thinking about other videos you’d seen to help get you off. Some days it was harder and some days you were cumming in under five minutes. But now that Seungcheol had a name and face to you, it was impossible for you to imagine anyone else fucking you.

“Shi---it, I--I wanna cum!”

dom.cheol: already? Fuckin greedy lil ass

dom.cheol: cum, sweetheart. Let daddy cum in ur tight ass too

universe_WZ has donated $100

alphagyu97 has donated $75

You alternate from bouncing on the dildo to swiveling your hips; reaching a free hand down to rub circles around your swollen clit. “Already? Can I cum?” You whisper, mind already a puddle of goo now that you were so close.

kitty_junjun: cum

xcaliburDK: cum

chwenon: cum

dom.cheol: you heard them, sweetheart. Cum. Now.

Seungcheol’s grip on his cock tightens after he sends the comment; growls spilling from his lips as he watches you bounce on the toy. His cock throbs in his hold, already feeling himself just as close to his orgasm as you were to yours.

“Fu--fuck I’m cumming! D---daddy!” You cry, slamming yourself down onto the toy as you cum hard. Seungcheol bites his lip to keep in his own screams; streaks of cum landing on his shirt and jeans as he works himself through his own orgasm.

He tries to keep his eyes focused on you in the midst of his orgasm, watching as you squeeze the base of the dildo until the cum inside starts to pour into your ass. “O--oh god!” You mewl, still thrusting the toy into your ass.

Seungcheol’s mouth goes dry when you reach a shaky hand between your legs, fingertips dipping into your pussy and pulling the soaked lace until half of it is in view of the camera. His grip on his cock tightens, moans on his lips when you then slowly start pulling the dildo out of your ass; the fake lube immediately spilling out of your ass and onto the bed sheets and sliding down onto the panties.

universe_WZ: oh my god oh ymg f

xcaliburDK: eyeeeeeee

kitty_junjun: i

You push the fake cum out, soft cries on your lips as the last bits of your orgasm roll through your body. The fake cum feels slightly cold which sends a shiver up your spine as it drips down your legs.

“Mmh… god that---that was intense…” You mumble, upper body slumping against the sheets.

You reach a hand between your legs again, making sure you’re in the camera’s view when you tug on the panties again; this time pulling them all the way out as you groan.

alphagyu97: if ur not selling those can it be a giveaway

alphagyu97: make it a raffle

You toss the soiled fabric to the side, mindful of the puddle of fake cum soaking into the sheets as you readjust your tired self in front of the camera. “You guys really want these, huh?” You laugh, responding to a few other stray comments asking for the soaked material. Your entire body is tingling from all the new sensations, mind going a mile a minute with the adrenaline coursing through your veins.

Slumping forward, you thank your viewers again, yawning as you stretch out. “I think I need a bubble bath now~ ‘m so messy!”

hoshi_tiger_xx: we love a messy girl ;)

therealchan99: fuck yea we do

Letting a few more viewers leave donations, you start saying your goodbyes; wishing everyone a good weekend before you blow a kiss to the camera and sign off.

Seungcheol sends one last donation of $550, jaw clenched and cock still throbbing.

He reaches for his phone on instinct, opening your text window. Pausing, he grins. Maybe it was the alcohol in his system but he opens his camera app, flipping it so that it’s on him as he snaps picture after picture of his cum covered torso and his free hand still wrapped around his hard cock.

Smirking, he opens your text window again, thumb dancing across the keyboard with renewed energy.

‘fuck, princess. your fuckin show got me so hard. those panties were fuckin soaking from how much u liked getting ur ass fucked huh? I bet i could get u to cum just from me fuckin your cute lil ass... probably wouldnt even need to touch ur clit or fuck your cunt to get your tight walls cummin for me. but ur a greedy lil thing arent u? probably would still want a toy to keep that pussy nice n sated. fuck, im still hard even tho i already came once.’

He hits send before he thinks twice, quickly attaching a few of his own pictures before he locks his phone and tosses it onto his desk.

Seungcheol’s body is sensitive from his first orgasm still, but his hips thrust up into his closed palm again; head leaning up against the headrest as he lets out harsh breaths. His eyes flutter shut, eyelashes tickling his skin.

This time his imagination runs wild; hands tangled in your hair while he tugs on it, forcing your back straight against his chest as he fucks into you hard and fast. He imagines your sweet voice begging him to let you cum, walls tight around his cock when you fall apart on it.

“Fuck!” He cums hard, body rigid as his free hand digs into the armrest and the air is knocked out of his lungs.

Seungcheol vaguely hears his phone pinging in the background; mind hazy as the waves of his orgasm wash over his body.

When he starts to come down, he slumps against the chair, sleepiness already taking over with his two orgasms and the alcohol still in his system. He mentally makes a note to get rid of his soiled clothes another time, tiredly reaching for his phone.

He stares at it through his blurry vision, barely making out your name before he blinks the tiredness away enough to read your message.

babygirl 🍒: hehe~ does daddy want my panties then? i’ll gladly give them to u if u want them~ 😚

[arjunasearth]

Transformation: Sharing personal thoughts.

So much is happening in- and outside myself right now. More and more control on the outside in the country I live in, more and more questioning within. Sometimes this is just too much handle to be honest. I am really thankful for learning more about calming myself down and being able to spend a lot of time in calmness. I enjoy the quiet. But at the same time, I feel a call for a soultribe and a mission on this Earth which I have. Social Media IS exhausting. So many thoughts, vids, posts per second... While we are reawakening to collective consciousness, I think ,being offline' is essential. I am bound to my pc because of uni, I attended all courses online because you cant study in the State of Germany I live in without being vaxxed or 'recovered'...it's a global totalitarism and this is not funny anymore. I can feel myself suffering from anxiety. Recently, I went to the library and got lucky because the people who work there are on vacation and I could validate my Unicard without being controlled...it's so SICK and I am SICK of this ..the only thing holding me is my partner , family and friends and my appartment... and I am just trying to make healthier choices day by day and break my old habits. But mentally I am at the Sea, it is warm and calm and no one bothers or controls me. The only thing they haven't forbidden here (yet?) is going to the supermarket but you have to wear a (ff2!)mask as well...this is mental slavery at its finest .. I am just lookin for cool people and a soul tribe but not on the inet but in real life. I miss it. I miss open community at university, when everybody was drinkin' outside and life was pretty chill. I miss the vibes. Now it's empty. Security and control. I really wanna get out of this and I know it will be more than hard , but it will be the healthiest choice i will ever make.

[j-reau]

a hiatus or something

I didn’t want to post this. I told myself to give it until morning and sleep but I’ve been laying here for over an hour and I can’t sleep and I know I’m not going to sleep until I get it out. And I decided I’m not going to do the pretend things don’t bother us mentality that tumblr likes, the don’t show emotions on the dashboard, don’t let people know you’re hurt or angry out of fear it’ll be seen as ~drama or whatever thing stop me from just saying how I feel. Because I feel pretty shitty? I’ve been feeling shitty for a few days now. Maybe more. Last week I told myself that the drama that had randomly cropped up was just too much and I wasn’t going to let tumblr be something that made me cry or panic or kept me up at night over bullshit like arguing with someone over things that happened years ago. So I set my focus on my friends, on my dashboard, on reminding myself why I love RP and why I’ve been in it for this many years, for so long, with all of these people. Those Valentines I posted were part of that project for me. It was a reminder, for myself and my dash about all of the human connection that happens here, all the people we meet, all the little pieces of each other we take on and take with us, all the ships, all the conversations, however brief.  From the people we just see on our dash to the ones we talk to about all our fears and insecurities. And how all of it matters. 

I know how much we all love to say calm down gregg, it’s tumblr RP. I know how we all loathe this hellsite when we’re being our worst. I know how we all talk about how we’re too old for this now or we’re tired. We’re just here to write. I’m just here to write. I love writing. But what brings us all back time and time again, what keeps us here is the fact that it’s not just tumblr RP. It’s a community. Whether you have a real life that keeps you busy or your whole life is here, whether you have plenty of friends offline or all your closes people live on discord, we’re all people. And we all take this with us. We make friendships and we talk to each other. We open ourselves up to the constant trust and fear of interaction, of  plotting, of who is going to reach out or send the meme. We build friendships based on that, we care for each other, we see each other’s bad days on the dash, and great days and inspiration. And it means something. It may just be tumblr RP, but it matters to us. Because of the people here, because we give a fuck about each other. Or at least I’ve always liked to hope we do. I have friends on this website I’ve had for ten years, some just for 3, and others just a few months. It always floors me how we can always come back to it, how we stick with each other or don’t, how we see the good and the bad and the ugly. 

So to get on with it, I wrote those Valentines.  I hit refresh on my blog and put the weird random drama in the past and moved forward. I made this blog for JJ only about 3 months ago. I don’t know how I got 500 followers in that short time but I did. And it’s. been the wildest experience I can possibly explain, having that happen so quickly, finding so many people out in the RPC that I hadn’t before on my other blogs. I felt fucking good. I was excited. Not just to write a character I had wanted to and loved for years but to find so many people who I vibed with. I remember writing a post about a month in and being so fucking ... floored. By how much I loved you all, by how amazing it was to be received like that still, to find people my age and who wrote things I liked and loved their female characters. I fucking love JJ. I LOVE THE SHIT out of my partners on this blog, even the new people I’m still itching to write with. And yet, I did that little refresh, posted my valentines , got ready to go and felt .... sad. 

I tried to explain it. I tried to tell myself it was a bad mood. I hoped maybe it was medication. But I couldn’t shake the weird funk. And everywhere I looked it seemed like things were .... not good. My friends taking breaks, people feeling sad too, relationships splitting, people I liked and respected separating themselves. Tonight, one of my closest friends I’ve made on this blog blocked me. Someone I adored and trusted and absolutely loved to write with. Tumblr says we’re not supposed to care. That we’re supposed to let people draw their lines in the sand and take their leave and maybe we are. Maybe it’s important to let people make their choices. But I also think it’s important as fuck to talk to your friends, to mean what you say when you tell someone they’re important to you. I think it’s important that we remember on the other side of every blog and discord user is a person. Who has bad days and bad feelings and cries and feels insecure and tells themselves it’s just tumblr RP even when they know somehow it feels heavier when it’s bad. This was a friend I had talked to at length about all of those exact things, about how personal the community can feel sometimes, about feeling replaceable or invisible, even for the toughest most confident most take no shit people. I’ve always considered myself a pretty tough, confident, take no shit person. I think anyone who has known me for as many years as I’ve been around has seen that first hand. I don’t like how sad I’ve felt lately. I don’t like the insecurity that’s making me want to know why things feel way or why people vanish without so much as an explanation. I had to block a mutual last week I saw making fun of me on their twitter. A mutual. Someone who chose to follow me and on a public place where my other friends could see it made fun of what I posted. And I just don’t know what we’re doing anymore. It didn’t bother me. I don’t have hurt feelings over it. That’s the kind of stuff I definitely know I’m confident about. But .... it did really fucking floor me. Because here we are, on a sight where users talk about positivity and not sending anon hate, and we can treat each other like that. 

I’ve been sitting up in bed for hours trying to figure out what to say or what to do. That’s what I do I guess. I try to figure out what to do, how we fix it, like somehow there’s some unified we and some responsibility to make things better. A lot of you have only known me for a few months so this probably sounds all kinds of nuts. And you’re probably going JJ you’ve been an emotional mess since the moment we met you. Because I feel like that’s how it’s been for the last few months. But that’s not how it’s always been for me. That’s not who I am. So for now I guess I’m just trying to figure out what I do. Instead of sitting here and spinning and trying to figure out how we as a community fix these gaping holes and the way we talk about each other like we’re disposable and treat each other like names on a list instead of people. 

For now, I think what I do is take a little break. It’s the very thing I don’t want to do. Because it feels like quitting and it feels like being scared away. So I feel the need to promise whoever has read all of this and myself that that’s not what it is. Maybe I’ll be back in two days, maybe two weeks, who knows. But I need a break. From whatever this feeling is that seems to have come over things lately. I’ve loved these few months on this blog so much. And maybe that’s half the problem. Maybe I got spoiled and this is the come down. Maybe I’m just an idiot who thinks what we all want on this website is to find people and love each other and write together. I never knew that me -- the person often accused of being aloof and feelingsless and distant would somehow turn into the emotional bitch on this website but here we are I guess. I just don’t know how to navigate this anymore. I don’t know how to put my heart into relationships and friendships that can just be switched off like we can just stop caring about people. I don’t know how to ignore people who say horrible things and do horrible things to each other just because we don’t want to see it on our dashes. I don't know how to give enough of everything to everyone so that every single one of my mutuals and partners knows they’re valuable to me. I don’t know what I hope to accomplish. I don’t know when I got to be so much of a raw, frayed edge on tumblr dot com but that’s how I feel. And I hope in a few days or sometime soon I’ll have an answer or at least get my hard shell back.

I want to keep writing. I want to keep talking to you guys. I don’t want to lose anyone. I truly mean what I say when I say you’re all important to me. I plan to still be around on discord. I’ll write on discord if anyone wants to keep writing. If we aren’t discord friends yet and you want to be, send a message. I plan to come back. I don’t want to abandon anything. I’m so deeply fucking sorry for this rant, for all the overflow of feelings lately, for anyone that’s had to listen to them, for putting them on your dashes, for fucking all of it. Please be good to each other. Please talk to each other. Please remember that if we’ve crossed paths at any point on this blog, I value you. I value all of your friendships, your writing, your shitposts, your dash commentary, your tiktoks you dump at me on discord. I love you. Every last fucking one of you. 

[circusstarz]

Anyway hey im blogging again. My break is over, I'll be trying to be messaging or be online more again but this whole break also was there to think about things;

For example, my relationship. I know how open I am with stuff and I know how much I tend to overshare or whine about, but I sorta want to try and keep my relationship a little more private? If ya get me? Like.. I'd absolutely talk about it sometime but I think I'll be keeping any fights or negative things happening away from both socials or friends

Sharing info with people only causes stress, it tends to include possible misunderstood things being shared and even if I absolutely appreciate people helping me or wanting to give support but in the end it's still my choice if I stay in it or not

And if this does break someday or if it does only stay more of a best friend ish way, I'll say it openly. I'm still looking forward for the actual whole meeting thing and after that we both see how things go

So again I know nobody's gonna read this but I just wanted to say that I absolutely do appreciate my close friends wanting to help, but I think it's sorta just unnecessary stress :( for both my friends, my partner and myself. And I'm terribly sorry for people who were put under this drama stress I caused.

This relationship is practically still very young and not even a year has passed, mistakes and other things can still come up a lot but I think that's normal.

I don't know, I'll see how things go. I will take in consideration what others said, how I want to continue after October and then this topic is off the hook.

Second topic I also thought about are me starting to take more often breaks. So for example staying off WhatsApp for 3 days, keeping Instagram offline and just clearing my head. I noticed how much socials and being online constantly can actually fuck up my thinking or how I perceive things. Like the past few 3 days I've been actually well?? Like yeah.. After the huge trigger that happened I was legitimately dead but I calmed down and noticed that socials or my phone in general only worsen my mental health. (PS: big platonic kithes go out to my fish bestie who was so nice and encouraged me to take this break, I can't thank you enough, you helped me lots on that day!! <3 /pl /gen)

So yeah.. That's all.

Ty for reading :)) <3

[flameo-hotman]

I’m finally talking about the Aunt-Suki drama because even though that is over and she was exposed, I think it is time I addressed the way it has affect me.

I will be mentioning some of the threats I was sent so tw for that in the tags. (Though I will not be quoting them because of how vile the threats were.)

Sometimes I still think back to that bullshit that happened months ago and it makes me mad.

The drama, the lies, the anons.

And like yes that drama over and the person who started that drama left the site, but I’m still mad. And well her lies were exposed for what they were, the damage was done.

People left the fandom. (I thought about doing the same. I thought about deleting my blog.) And those of us who stayed, I think what happened changed some of us.

I know it changed me.

There were threats made to me by certain anons during the drama that went down. Now anons making threats wasn’t something new to me. I mean we all remember the saga of asshole anon.

But it was the first and only time anons made threats to hurt my dog. And I feel sick whenever I think about those threats.

My dog.

Each time I think about taking down some of the walls I built during and following the drama, I think back to those threats. Those threats were the most sickening depraved things anyone has ever sent me, and when I think about them they make me mad.

I want to be open. I want to do a voice reveal. (At the time I was even thinking about doing a face reveal, but that is forever off the table.)

And logically I know that those anons would have had no follow through on their threats. But it was and still is that 0.001% chance that one of them may have tried to follow through that has left me terrified of the idea of anyone offline recognizing me from my blog.

More than anything else that happened, those threats are what stick with me. Not the lies she spread about me and others. Not the block list. Not the my friends being made guilty by association.

It wasn’t even the other anons who made threats against me. Threats to find and hurt/kill me. The demands from anons that I kill myself.

Not any of that.

And yes the drama is long since over. Her lies were exposed. Her own being inappropriate with minor exposed. (You know the very thing she was trying to say that the people are her call out post were guilty of?)

But those threats (which are still saved as screenshots on a flash drive just in case someone does try to hurt my dog. Because if someone does I am giving that flash drive to the police.) stuck with me.

It was those threats that left me with nightmares that I still haven’t spoken about to anyone. Nightmares that I would wake up from in tears and have to be calmed down by the very being that those threats were directed towards.

A being that was a dog. A dog who is so full of love and compassion that words will never properly describe just how wonderful and perfect Momo (dog) is.

And when that drama happened I was already struggling with my mental health. And I wanted to defend myself, but I talked with others about it and we agreed that Aunt-Suki would just take my words and twist them. That if I even acknowledged what she was saying then it would make things worse.

It would have been more fuel to her fire, when I was already at the top of her block list. (And I did respond to the list by saying that for people who wanted to avoid nsfw content the list could actually be useful and even cracked a joke about being honored to be at the top of her list.)

I fully believe Aunt-Suki was the anon who told me about the list in the first place. She probably wanted to get some sort of rise out of me.

Sometimes I wonder what it was she was saying about me in dms because when I would check her blog I would see her telling people to dm her so she could tell them why I was a bad person.

But I stop myself from going down that rabbit hole because I think it might be healthier for me to not know what it was she was saying where I had no means of knowing what she was saying about me.

Whatever it was clearly was something people thought was worth threatening to mutilate my dog over. (And no. That is not an exaggeration. There we’re anons who went into exceeding detail about the exact ways they were going to kill my dog.)

My dog who matters more to me than life itself. My dog who is the only reason I am still alive. My dog who made me realize I am worth something because how could my dog love me so much if I was everything my bio mom had convinced me I was.

Talking about those threats with my friends helped me. They were able to make me understand that that was all those threats were.

Empty words that would never amount to anything.

But like I already said, part of me never stopped worrying.

Part of me never stopped being terrified for what could happen to my dog.

That fear has been like a poison. And I am trying to let go of it like I did with everything else that happened during that drama.

I doubt I will talk about the Aunt-Suki drama ever again. (Not that I spoke publicly about it to begin with.)

I just want to stop being afraid. If not for me, then for Momo (dog) because he doesn’t want me to live like that.

So going forward, I am going to try and be more open. A voice reveal is back on the table. (Still no face reveal because tbh while I was only approached offline by a follower once and it was a pretty chill interaction, I want to still have that piece of privacy.)

I am writing this post more for me than anyone else. (And partially to put into context why it is I became so private because some people have asked me about that.)

I won’t be responding to messages about this post because I want to leave what happened in a forgotten past that can’t hurt me. I won’t release the screenshots or ever tell yahl what was said in those anons because what was said in them was in retrospect traumatizing.

Just know that I am healing from what happened and finally moving past it.

I want to thank every single one of you for being the most amazing followers I could ask for and that yahl just being here has helped me.

So thank you.

[evermore-notes]

Study Habits

Study Habits I Use  

Try to study at the same time every day.  

This means that you make an effort to get up and make time to study every day at the same time. I have found that making and keeping a schedule has actually taught my brain the modes "Studying" and "Relaxing". I can tell the difference and its great.  

Study Offline

I know typing may seem convenient, and as a writer I know it is, but it is proven that you are more likely to remember something if you write your notes out by hand. The act of writing something out actually creates blocks of memories sometimes, color coding is another good way to help you remember.  

Do Breathing Exercises

I try to take a few minutes before each study session and just breathe. By doing this I am calming myself down if needed and remaining calm throughout the study session. This helps me clear my mind as well. Which is very helpful if you are like me and suffer from anxiety.  

Try to Get Eight Hours of Sleep

Getting the proper sleep can help you retain what you learn during class and when you go to study. As someone with insomnia I cannot tell you how good it feels to actually get a good night's sleep and actually be able to study the next day. Getting enough sleep also has other health benefits such as lower stress, better mood, weight control, and a better immune system. Research "claims" that it can be bad for you to sleep more than 9 hours each night. I say listen to your body, sleep when you are tired, eat when you are hungry, and drink water when you are thirsty. Which brings me to my next point.  

Stay Hydrated + Snacks

If it is one thing, I make sure I do it's have a drink with me, such as a glass of ice water, or a hot cup of earl grey. It is a huge interruption to me if I have to stop studying and go get myself a drink. Now about the snacks, this one is a preference, for me, I do not like to snack while I am trying to study. Instead, I make sure I eat a healthy balanced meal before I start my study sessions. If you are someone who likes to have food at their desk, then by all means. There is not a right or wrong way to study. You do what you want to do, it's your study session.  

Create an Aesthetic Study Environment

Make your study space yours. You should feel good when you sit down to study. When you enjoy where you are at and you enjoy the atmosphere you have created you are more likely to retain the information you are reading, thus do better on your tests. I didn't always do this because I didn't think it mattered. IT DOES! I am so much happier to sit down and learn something, whether that is for work, school, or pleasure, I enjoy my study space.  

Take Your Breaks

I know I just hyped up the "Perfect study space" but seriously, time your breaks and actually step away from your desk. I always take 10-to-15-minute breaks. I normally eat a small snack before returning to my desk. This helps train your brain into those modes I was talking about earlier. It is important to let your brain take a break. If you need longer than 10 or 15 minutes so, be it, but make sure you always finish how long you planned to study. It isn't good to start something and then stop it in the middle.  

Use A Planner

I use several planners because I am... obsessed honestly. I love making Bujo's and using my college planner is also very helpful. Again, this is another time where I would recommend you write everything out by hand to help you remember. I also use a dry erase board that has a calendar layout. That gives me a visual of my layout for the month.  

Use Flash Cards

I use flash cards for all kinds of topics. A lot of people think of just math, but no, I have used flash cards for learning a new language, teaching myself definitions, and more. Flash cards are honestly my favorite way to study because it gives me a challenge to do.  

These are all of the study habits that I try to maintain. Feel free to ask me anything and I will do my best to answer your questions. I hope this post was helpful. Happy studying.  

[inevitably-johnlocked]

heyy stephh, i wanna get to know ya, you seem like such a nice person. SOoooo Did you drink enough water today, what do you do for a living, what are your family like, are you ok?? and remember to take a break sometimes

Hi Nonny!

Aww, this is sweet <3 I try to keep a lot of my personal life private, but I have a few stuff publicly available, so I will share those:

I haven’t drank enough water, LOL. I’m terrible for this. I bought a SodaStream recently because I like carbonation in my drinks, and it’s helped a bit, but yeah, I just... forget to drink LOL.

I’m a full time senior graphic designer, part-time freelance designer, and hobby artist and blogger/writer, LOL.

Ah, the only immediate family members I still have is my younger sister; my dad passed away over a decade ago, and my mother disowned us for not putting up with her emotional abuse (I’ve talked a lot about her in my metas, so you can parse details about that in many of my Mary meta). I’m close with a couple of my dad’s family (his brother and one of his sisters), and I have no significant other or pets. I want a cat but I just can’t handle the heartbreak anymore of adoptions that keep falling through.

I’m not sure about being okay, you know? It’s weird. Mentally, I have a lot of issues that I need to work on, and I have good days and bad days. Oddly enough, first day back to work after 2 weeks off is an okay day, mainly because so many people are still on holidays so it’s DEAD and it feels like another day off, I just have to keep checking the workflow to make sure that I don’t fall behind, LOL. And being on a personal computer, my workflow is only tracked if I send it off, so whhhheeee! I appreciate the slow day, to be honest. I am having a hell of a time re-adjusting to my work schedule after 2 weeks of staying up until 4 AM and waking up at noon, LOL. ANYWAY, so today, yea, I’m okay, I think. Feeling... not GREAT but adequate and generally in a positive mood.

OOOF I need the reminder to take a break more than a few times a week, you know? Like especially here on Tumblr and in my day job, I tend to just... get so into it all I don’t eat, get up and walk around, or just chill offline. It’s why I spent most of my Christmas break playing video games and taking walks. I miss having a schedule where I felt obligated to leave home. Now I have to force myself to just go for a walk around the block or go for a drive. This past weekend, I PURPOSELY made myself just go out and shovel my car from my parking space just to get air and exercise, LOL. I need to learn to manage my time better. I run this blog full time ALONG with my day job, so I do get stressed. This year I resolve to, if I get overwhelmed, let you guys know I need to take a week and just rejuvenate myself. Maybe take a nice relaxing bath or something. The B&BW candles I spent a fortune on seem to help calm me, so that’s a bonus.

ANYWAY, I’m rambling.

TL;DR: No, I need to drink more water; I’m a senior graphic designer; my sister is doing well; I’m okay, all things considering; I need to take more breaks, LOL.

Thank you for your genuine concern / interest in my life. Very sweet, Nonny <3

[anatomyandcappuccini]

Self-distancing and distancing ourselves.

« Nous sommes en guerre » (We are at war). These were the words the French president pronounced, just after he announced the lock-down of the entire country. As I was watching the news, I got up to cut myself a piece of bread and ate it compulsively. And then I cut another one, still eating it without thinking.  Then I started biting my nails and felt my chest tight, and it reminded me of my not-so-old anxiety days. As they were watching the news with me, my parents were talking on the phone with their own families (who have also been locked down for 2 weeks now in Italy), trying to manage their own stress. That restlessness feeling was growing stronger, my headache got worse, and this is when I realized that this whole situation was giving me too much anxiety. That’s when I realized I had to do something about it.

This situation is, to say at least, historical. The whole world is concerned. I mean, the last time something this huge happened was during the war! And feeling a little (or really) overwhelmed is more than normal. However, I think we can all do our best to calm down and focus more on what’s important. So if you’ve been feeling really nervous lately, this post is for you.

Watching the news is important for updates, but spending all of your days in front of the tv can quickly become overwhelming, especially when you’re also spending time on social media which is also full of (sometimes fake) news. Try to turn off the TV and limit the time you spend on social media.. Use the airplane mode when you go to bed, and don’t hesitate to put WhatsApp groups on silent mode for a few hours whenever you feel the need.

It’s ok to feel a bit of FOMO when not being online 24/7, especially now that everyone is having a huge party on social media, but since we’re all going to spend the next weeks stuck at home, putting yourself a limit when it comes to social media is crucial if you don’t want to be nervous and bothered by the general atmosphere

So what will you do during the time you spend offline ? Well here are a few ideas : yoga, meditation, journaling, drawing, writing, calling a friend, working out, sleeping, watching a movie, reading, cooking…

I also recommend not checking your phone first thing in the morning, take the time to get out of your bed and have breakfast before checking your phone… Because if you read bad news, I can assure you that you’ll feel nervous the whole day.

It is important to remember that even if the world outside is shut down and seems scary this is TEMPORARY and that we all should take this time apart to pause our lives for a moment. When we’re used to running from place to place and working with other people it can be quite difficult to slow down, but right now is a great time for introspection, and for raising self-awareness. So accept what is. Literally, EVERYONE is in the same situation as you.

Use this time to get some REST. Try to wake up naturally, take your time, don’t rush anything. You’ll be fine.

Be aware of your emotions. Listen to what they have to teach you. You have now the time to get to know them better and working on letting them go.

Remember the good news. 42% of confirmed cases of covid-19 are healing, which means that 81’772 people in the world are doing great. And so are you.

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