#so so proud of myself for doing something scary that i didn't think i could do

[maraeffect]

well, i managed to survive a 14 hour trip to nyc today, ALL ALONE.... which taught me a couple things. a) i'm a lot more capable and strong than i thought, even though it was painful to push thru. and b) DEAR GOD i never want to do that again.

[mcflymemes]

PROMPTS FOR DEEP CONVERSATIONS *  assorted dialogue for thoughtful discussions, adjust as necessary

do you think there's more to this?

will we ever be free?

what are you grateful for?

do you enjoy spending time with me?

when's the last time you spoke to them?

unfortunately, i know exactly how you feel.

this can't be all there is.

i believe in truth.

why are you so unhappy?

what was your first heartbreak like?

you have to trust me on this.

believe in yourself.

what's the first thing you noticed about me?

what are you doing to make the world a better place?

do you understand the gravity of this?

i think we were meant to find each other.

do you believe in a higher power?

if you could live anywhere, where would you go?

i haven't felt this way in a long time.

what are you proud of?

if you knew tomorrow was your last day, how would you spend it?

i can't go on like this.

we have to take a chance.

i never gave up on you.

love is the most powerful thing in the universe.

every time i look at you, i see my future.

that was a life lesson. i learned it the hard way.

i can't help but think i should have done more.

do you believe in fate?

if a genie gave you three wishes, what would you ask for?

i've always wondered about that.

at what point are we good enough?

who are you, really?

if you had a million dollars right now, what would you do first?

maybe this will make you change.

things feel different here.

life doesn't make sense.

i'm not perfect. none of us are.

sure, it's scary, but we can't stop now.

it's easier said than done.

i think you can do it.

who broke you?

how do you know when you're in love?

i know that's not the answer you were hoping for.

i wish i knew what was waiting for me.

would you change anything about me?

i've never seen it like that.

we have to keep moving. we can't slow down.

you've really opened my eyes.

has anyone ever broken your heart?

this could lead us to infinite opportunities.

what would you have done differently?

i have so much faith in you.

who was your first love?

i can take care of myself.

i think you should follow your dreams.

you've changed my life in ways i can't explain.

they always said you were different.

i'm not giving up hope.

how can we make the world a better place?

i want to leave a mark on the world. do you?

how do you feel about it?

how would people describe you?

do you ever say no?

were you expecting something else?

who do you compare yourself to?

do you believe in aliens?

i'm not a child anymore.

do you think we were meant to be together?

i trust you with my life.

you are so much stronger than you realize.

if you could say anything to them right now, what would you say?

i didn't know places this beautiful even existed.

do you remember the dream you had last night?

i don't think we're alone in the universe.

love is the answer.

that's all there is.

do you love them? i mean really love them?

we can't sit around and wait for our lives to happen to us.

have you ever been in love?

do you believe in justice?

i won't give up on them.

you inspire me every day, you know.

[notmorbid]

the drowning kind.

dialogue prompts from the drowning kind by jennifer mcmahon.

the dead have nothing to fear.

if they come for one of us, they'll have to take us both.

i'll know if you cheat.

you think you're protecting me, but really, you're just lying.

dreams can be scary, but they can't follow you into real life.

i know you're there. i can feel you listening.

if you're mad at me, i get it.

how can you be so mean?

you make everything look easy.

i didn't know you were living here.

can you come?

there are no secrets from the dead.

you hold things close to your chest. it makes you a fine card player, but at times, a difficult friend.

what do you see in the clouds?

does their need to be an occasion?

this place is obviously haunted.

i believe in a thousand little gods.

what's the difference between a ghost and a memory?

it was nothing. a trick of the light.

i love you dearly, but you're a bit of a wet blanket.

there are very old stories about this place. some say it's a door between worlds.

people are frightened by things that can't be explained with reason and logic.

i'm starting to think something must be wrong with me.

i didn't even know you were back in town.

the biggest changes happen so slowly, you hardly notice them.

why didn't you pick up the phone?

i feel like a sleepwalker. like i'm under a spell.

did something happen to you? something bad?

you're coming back to my place tonight. no arguments.

i loved you, in my own way. i really did.

sometimes i think our brokenness held us together.

they're just dreams. don't let them trouble you.

i could use a rational voice.

i was sorry as hell to hear what happened.

how can i be here for you if you won't let me in?

there's something down there. something grabbed me.

i know you're lying. i just don't know why.

if you need anything at all, call me. day or night.

grief can do funny things to the mind.

we come as a pair. there is no me without us.

you were smart to get out when you did.

what do you say to going for a little walk?

i double dog dare you.

why the sudden interest in ____?

you don't know how to live in the moment. you don't appreciate the here and now.

perhaps it's not for us to understand.

you've got some strange ideas about things.

i'm so happy you came. come sit with me.

your ____ would have been proud.

you look like ____, you know.

you've got to slow down.

please. you're not making any sense. start at the beginning.

you don't want to be out here after dark.

i'm not a big believer in closure.

that's what we do: pretend that if we don't talk about a thing, it didn't happen.

you knew. you figured it out.

how are you doing, really? the 'no bullshit' answer, please.

i'd love to say goodbye before you go.

secrets can fester, bloom into something much bigger.

you know what they say: you never get over your first love.

it seems impossible that we were ever that young.

i can't believe you're real.

the times i've felt most like myself, i've been with you.

you believe me, don't you?

i'm sure things will look better in the morning.

you've got to stop thinking so hard about what's real and what isn't.

i feel like i'm under house arrest.

you've seen ___, haven't you?

i was wrong to leave.

we have all we could ever need right here, don't we?

if you make a wish, you have to be prepared to pay a price.

i'm sorry. i shouldn't have done what i did.

have you ever seen things you didn't want to see?

i was your wish, and you were mine.

my life feels like a dream i had.

[duoatomica]

"An angel makes itself look scary to pry away evil."

Grimmel's nightmare

(and very much the reason he has avoided killing light furies in 40+ years and only hunts night furies)

"Bloodstain"

"Once a common light fury, now something terrible, oh the things that I've done and deeply regret, hunting this one is the top one.

As I've said, a common light fury despite its reddish tones, a contrast to the blue standard of the species, this should've been enough of a sign that the creature wasn't just a normal, ordinary dragon such as the ones I've hunted for years.

I found it in the forest, drinking some water, at that time I was only about twenty years old, I was young, careless and proud, I decided to use my dragons to attack him. Again, I was careless, I just wanted to kill as many of the strongest, biggest, most dangerous dragons out there and seek my village's praise.

My deathgrippers pounced, the white dragon screeched and fought back, bit and scratched, it was also young and weak, it couldn't escape, atleast not with a wing, its eyes and its left front paw.

The dragon flew away with what was rest of its left wing, it surprisingly managed to take off with that little nub of bones and membranes the Deathgrippers had left behind.

I cursed, spat harsh words at myself and did something I wish I had kept my mouth shut not to do.

I swore, to Odin and above, that we'd meet again, one day, didn't know when. But one day I surely would see the dragon once more.

Three years passed, I had evolved little, but enough to develop some hunting skills here and there, I studied like a damned man, I improved some of my weapons, felt like a new man.

I was once again in the forests with my eight dragons, controlled by no one other than me. So I stood by a berry bush, feeling hungry, I bent down to pick some.

Why did I do that, for Thor's sake.

I heard something approaching, quickly, before I could react I was under a mass of snow-white flesh, being stared at by those empty eye sockets, drooled at by that mouth full of sharp teeth. That demon, it was back. I swore it would come back. And it did, but not how I've expected it to.

I was attacked ferociously, oh, the agony, only I knew the pain of those sharp claws like blades tearing my skin, those teeth trying their best to split my neck in two. I screamed.

My deathgrippers, as loyal as they are, showed up in an instant and again jumped at the light fury, mangling it, but that dragon was no longer a little cub. The battle between one and the eight was fierce, surprisingly the white dragon managed to kill two of them, leaving only six for me to keep.

I almost died that night, my body so mangled it was bordering unrecognizable, I still have a lotta scars, some awful pains here and there.

From that day on, the one who swore we'd meet again was the dragon. This demon has been in my mind since then, in my dreams, terrifying me, making me fear even the slightest movement in the corner of my room.

This bastard knows, it knows very well where I am now, he always knew, all its attacks are very precise and cautious, therefore brutal. I have grown older, stronger and smarter, I have found ways to penetrate that creature's mind, I can also know where it is, but by the gods, the migraines after these little mind-connecting rituals are nearly deadly.

This has been causing me constant paranoia, I may not know if this light fury is right behind me right now.

I've just checked, it isn't.

Ah, the name? I know it doesn't make sense for a cloud-white dragon to be named Bloodstain, considering the crimson red left in many fabrics and anywhere slightly stainable.

But the fool is the one who thinks that the name refers to it, me as the self-centered person that I painfully admit to be, it is a reference to myself.

Me and the blood pools that formed around my body after the attack, the stains on my long discarded clothes, I remember them as I remember my mother's name.

I concluded a long time ago that this is more than a living being."

-Grimmel the Grisly.

[kitts-mechanix]

I just had a huge realisation yesterday and I wanted to share this after going through some pretty horrible stuff over the weekend: Something I've always asked myself ever since getting into G1 Transformers was "why do you like Starscream so much even though he's a narcissistic bully? Why are you, someone who is a victim of narcissistic abuse, taking comfort in a narcissistic character?" Well, I think I finally figured it out. Because Starscream is also a victim of that very same abuse. I mean, he's beaten, called names, bullied, unappreciated, abused, and put through the wringer…and he internalised all that abuse because he knew no other way. He had no one to turn to, and the few bots who did support him, he treated like dirt. Once he had that freedom and power, he abused it and became the very thing that abused him. I have no doubt he was always self-centred, selfish, had a huge ego, etc. before all that but honestly? I think Megatron's abuse caused him to turn out the way he did. I could have turned out that way and it's a little scary, some of the parallels I'm drawing with him.

@ichbinmeltdown wrote a great analysis on Starscream that I want to share here:

"Megatron was abusive as hell to Starscream. He treated him horribly, and I legitimately almost cried a few times watching it. There's an episode called Starscream's Brigade that introduces the Combaticons, and I think that perfectly demonstrates the cycle of abuse. The entire world is against Starscream at pretty much every turn throughout the series, but none more so than Megatron. Every word out of his speech synthesizer to Starscream is to berate him, and he's constantly throwing him around, beating him, even ripping out his speech synthesizer in a scene from a previous episode (Hoist Goes Hollywood, IIRC). His own teammates don't like him, and even his brothers- Skywarp and Thundercracker, going off of the idea they're brothers- just... allow Megatron to abuse him. (Not to get into headcanons here, but I personally believe that Megatron's abuse fractured the Elite Trine's family dynamic. They are still brothers and love each other, but they're all too afraid of Megatron to really... stand up for each other as they did in the past.) And Starscream seemed to just snap in this episode. He treated the Combaticons poorly, and even when teaming up with Shockwave, he subjected him to a lot of the same ridicule and torment that Megatron put him through. He failed to realize Shockwave was the one of the only bots who would give him a chance- and unfortunately lashed out at him, which ruined his chances of Shockwave ever being a true friend and ally to him. Once Starscream had finally gotten a taste of power and not being under another bot's boot, he too became the very thing that he lived in fear of. And that really is how the cycle goes- when you're finally free from abuse, it can be tempting to overcompensate and take back all the power you were robbed of, at any cost whatsoever. Starscream, like D16 in Transformers One, snapped up this opportunity."

And the sad thing is, I've seen this in real life and I've internalised some of the abuse I've dealt with too. I'm not proud of it. Like the Seeker Trine, my own family dynamic has been fractured by similar abuse. I know there's traces of narcissism in my behaviour too, and I'm NOT proud of it. Maybe this is why I can forgive Starscream for being a narc, because I can see a little bit of my own personality/attitude/behaviour in him. Maybe it's because I know where it came from, I get why he acts that way and it's not just random and out of the blue. Maybe it's because--and I know this is a bold statement--I don't think he would do some of the stuff my own family did to me (blah blah blah he's a fictional character).

I didn't mean for this to turn into a long rant, so

TLDR: I finally figured out that part of the reason I love and relate to Starscream so much despite him internalising some of the abuse I went through, is because he was the victim of that same abuse.

[utilitycaster]

Bonus:

Campaign 2 episode 92/Campaign 3 episode 92 parallels (with some assistance from 3x89)

Transcription of the text in the above images (screenshots from the Critical Role Transcript Search) below the cut:

The following is excerpts from Campaign 2, Episode 92, and Campaign 3 Episode 92 (except one from 89, noted below), interspersed. Travis is playing Fjord, Marisha is playing Beau, Laura is playing Imogen, Liam is playing Orym, and Matt plays Thoreau Lionett in the Campaign 2 excerpt and Liliana Temult in the Campaign 3 excerpt:

First image:

TRAVIS: Your histamine reactions are going again.

MARISHA: Yeah. I've been away from Zadash for a little bit, so the pollen, it's kicking a little, you know?

TRAVIS: I take it you don't fully, fully hate your dad. It's got to be hard to hear this.

Second image:

LAURA: I'm going to heard toward Orym who's at a distance and approach slowly.

LIAM: Hey.

LAURA: Hi. I'm going to put my hand on your shoulder.

LIAM: Sorry, I know how hard all that is for you.

Third image:

MARISHA: Everyone wants to make their dad proud, you know? Just hoping he could, he could show some of that.

TRAVIS: You don't know that he can't. It's been years. You've grown, you've changed. I'm sure you were even more of an unbearable shit before. I'm not saying he deserves a second chance, but he is your father, and you do have a mother, and a brother that you've never met.

MARISHA: (sniffs) I guess it's hard when... the word inevitable has been brought up several times in the past 24 hours amongst us. I feel like I've found my family with The Mighty Nein. I don't like looking at my past, because it doesn't have The Mighty Nein in it, and I think I put off the inevitable, because I'm going to-- I'm afraid it's going to be like my past.

Fourth image:

LAURA: Don't apologize. I can't begin to understand how hard it is for you.

LIAM: You know, every one of us makes our decisions with the lenses or prisms we see life through.

LAURA: Mm-hmm.

LIAM: I can't take mine down. (sobs softly) It's not even about revenge for me. (sniffles) I just try and honor what they sign up to do. (sniffles) I just try and honor what they sign up to do.

LAURA: I didn't know them, but I can't imagine they wouldn't look at you and not be proud.

LIAM: (sighs sadly)

LAURA: I think you've gone farther than anyone could ever expect you to, and you're still going.

Fifth image:

TRAVIS: I don't think one contaminates the other. You've got good, solid footing here. I mean, shit, if we want to run, we run. If we want to kick his ass, we'll kick his ass.

MARISHA: Yeah. (sniffing) I kind of want to kick his ass, and I don't want to run.

TRAVIS: Could I ask you, in your wildest dreams, and feel free to say you don't want to tell me, what would you have happen when we go there?

MARISHA: I think I've worked so hard because I scripted this day, in my inevitable future that I would go back to him, successful woman, respectable member of society, Cobalt Soul, an Expositor, the thing he threw me away to, and I embraced. And then, I would get mad at myself, because I felt like I was doing exactly what he was doing to me my entire life, scripting me to be something else. And I'm still doing it. I haven't seen him in three years, and I'm still trying to be... something. And I think what's scary is that I like this, and what I've found, and I don't think it was until Nott started talking about having to go home and go away that it truly started terrifying me. Because for the first time, I'm happy. And what if that goes away?

Sixth image:

LIAM: (sighs softly) (sniffles) So far. I'm going to miss him.

LAURA: Yeah. Yeah.

LIAM: I'm going to miss Letters.

(sniffles)

LAURA: They were-- They were alive.

LIAM: Out of any of us, he just wanted to help.

Seventh image:

TRAVIS: It could always go away. It could go away tonight. The Gentleman's debtors could come calling.

MARISHA: (chuckling) And I think I know that, and I think I say things to Nott like, "You don't have to put those stipulations on yourself" because I've convinced myself that destiny or the inevitability won't come knocking. If you ignore it, it won't exist, and that's not true.

TRAVIS: (sighs) It'll be interesting either way. Your face is leaking.

MARISHA: I hate it.

TRAVIS: I won't tell anyone.

MARISHA: Don't tell anybody.

TRAVIS: Yep. You're a good friend. You're a good trainer.

Eighth image:

LAURA: I want you to know that that for a while it may have felt that you and I were not seeing eye to eye or maybe you felt that I, I didn't have the same goal in mind that you did. But don't worry about that anymore, all right?

LIAM: I understand family.

LAURA: Yeah. Yeah.

LIAM: I want for all the world for you to have your family.

LAURA: I wanted that, too, and (chuckles) god, that back and forth is a pretty funny thing, but choices were made. If nothing else, then at least we've got a little bit of knowledge on the inside now.

LIAM: Yeah. As much we'd like to, you can't turn back the clock.

LAURA: That's right. But you've got us.

Bonus image 1:

MARISHA: Mom already fucking mentioned that life gets difficult and it's hard. So you're right. Maybe it's easy to justify the easy way out, just get rid of the problem.

MATT: "That's not what this was about. You were on the self-destructive path. We didn't know what to do. I've never been a-- no one teaches you how to be a good father. I regret choices I've made, and you don't think I don't hold myself responsible for-- I thought I was doing what was best for you, truly."

MARISHA: You did. It was probably the best thing you could've done for me. So thank you. Tell me the story again, and then I'll go.

Bonus image 2 (from 3x89):

MATT: "History is filled with evil men. But few have the courage to stand up and try and stop them. Where I'm standing, I don't think we're on the opposing sides like you think we are. We just have a different myth, that's all. That's all. Please see it in yourself to understand why I've done and given up all of this."

LAURA: Maybe it's your turn to run. And I wake up.

[darkbluekies]

Following my last post, i just want to show the girl i am proud to call my main character. She has been an inspiration to me ever since I created her and I have made her into someone i wish I was.

This is by far the most i have very showed you from one of my private stories. Especially a main story. Kind of scary, but I want to show, to see if it could be something I could salvage and bring back to it's original glory. I want to see if you see what I see, that maybe not all of the magic is lost.

There are trigger warnings for this — death, guns, losing one's sanity, trauma mention of child abuse,

“Doctor, can I ask you something?” she wondered quietly.

“What?” he asked, lifting his green eyes from his desk.

"What should I do if I can't ... think?"

Doctor W furrowed his brows so that a frown formed between them.

“What do you mean?” he asked, dropping his pen. He clasped his hands together.

OL touched her lips hesitantly with her tongue.

"I don't know what to do," she admitted softly, noticing how her voice was shaking. “Every single one of my thoughts is — I don't know — blurry? I feel so lost. I don't know how to take care of myself when I barely know how to take care of my sisters. People around me see me in a way that I can't see myself, and I don't know how to become that person. I don't even know if I want to be it. It feels so strange inside me, I don't know how to explain it... it's like one big darkness. There is no one I can talk to who can help me sort out the mush in my head, but I can't sort it out myself. I don't know how to do it. I know nothing.”

“I know exactly how you feel.” He pointed to the bookshelf behind him with his thumb. “See the black book spines? They are diaries. In them, I have recorded every single thought I have had. When they are on paper, it is easier to study them objectively. Everything is there, black and white, collected.”

OL looked at the dozens of black book spines.

“Maybe you should try it?” he asked, standing up from his chair. He opened one of the desk drawers and held out a black notebook. “Do you want it? You can have it.”

OL stared blankly at the book for a few seconds before nodding and accepting it.

“Thank you very much,” she said. “For everything."

"It's no trouble at all," Dr. W smiled.

BR closed the book and furrowed her gray brows. "AN told me about Mr. D."

OL nodded sadly. “I understood that. You don't have to worry. I will not let anything hinder GS's healing.”

BR caught something vulnerable in her eyes. “OL, stop that. I'm worried about you, don't you understand?”

“There is no need—”

“No need? OL, you're only eighteen. I understand that you may feel older, but you are only eighteen.”

OL bit down. She didn't know how old she felt, but eighteen seemed far too young.

"I really care about both you and GS," BR continued softly, but there was something serious under her tone. “It's my responsibility to make sure you're both safe. If Mr. D wants you so badly, I have to do something about it.”

"What were you thinking that we are going to do?" OL asked stressed. “If Mr. D escaped punishment for [SHIP'S NAME], I doubt he will be punished for child abuse or threatening to kill me — or even my death. He already tried before. Several times.” She felt in her pockets. “He doesn't know we're here. We just need to get to England, and everything will be solved.”

“Then what?”

“I don't know, but I'll figure it out. I don't know if I want to go to the police, BR. Then GS and I will have to see him again. The closer we are, the easier it is for him to kill us. We're going to have to drag TN into everything again...and I don't know if I can handle it.”

BR sighed. “We refrain, for now, then.”

"Thanks."

OL fished out the shiny revolver from the deep pocket of her skirt. BR's bright eyes widened and followed the weapon as if it were a ticking time bomb.

"I'm going to settle it the way Mr. D wants to settle things," OL said slowly.

OL's shaking hand reached for a brown ear in the bag and gently pulled out the teddy bear's head. She held her breath. Two gouged holes where the eyes should be stared through her. Painfully, she looked away and reached uncertainly for the next part. One by one, she pulled the limbs out until they were in a fluffy pile on the carpet. She tried to press the loose parts together, as if they were to be put together of their own free will, but without needle and thread, they remained as loose as before. OL raised her trembling right hand, pressing it tightly over her mouth to keep from screaming. Her eyes filled with tears, her heart pounded in her ears.

“Miss, I have been calling you—”

Her heart stopped. She hadn't noticed that the sounds from the kitchen had died down. Hastily, she wiped her tears and turned her head away.

“Are you okay?”

She nodded tightly and pulled her arms closer to her shaking body. She hoped he wouldn't come any closer, didn't want him to see.

“What are you doing?” he asked cautiously.

She could hear him moving closer. Something cold pulled through her.

“What is that?”

OL shook her head in despair as she tried to hide the teddy bear under her shaking hands. Hot tears streamed down her red, burning cheeks. Her mouth babbled out unclear sentences that she herself could not understand. Mr. C's rough hands shot out over hers and took a soft grip on her shaking, took a firm grip.

“Do you want to fix it?” he asked.

OL nodded desperately, meeting his calm eyes through her blurred gaze. She tried to open her mouth to apologize, but the words were stuck in her throat.

"Go eat," said Mr. C kindly, taking the teddy bear from her shaking hands. “I'll salvage this.”

He helped her to her feet and escorted her out to the kitchen. OL sank down at the dining room table and listened as Mr. c headed back to the girls' room. She hid her face in her hands, tore at her hair, and growled in frustration. The anger subsided after a couple of minutes, and she sat still, staring blankly in front of her in biting silence.

I really do love this character. She is my favorite i have ever created. I really want this to work. You can see the vision i have right? Why I'm so persistent in making this story work?

[caratheewriter]

Hey darling! I'm the anon who submitted this (https://serenewrote.tumblr.com/post/745794658206105600/i-just-read-your-daemon-x-dornish-daughter-and-im) and I loved what you wrote, but I can get the version with princess Martell fem!reader… And… I had another idea, I hope you don't mind… So reader gets pregnant and despite it being a difficult pregnancy and birth she gives birth to her daughter ( lady Martell), and they are living happily until when the girl is 5 years old, reader gets pregnant again, but this time she can't go to term, she is losing a lot of blood and the baby won't come out (and Daemon won't allows them to open her), then reader and the baby die, not before she says goodbye to her precious girl and Dae and makes him promise to take care of their daughter and try to be happy, they make one last vow of love and she dies . In this part, if it's not too much to ask, could you focus on Dae's relationship with his daughter? like how they deal with grief and how he takes care of her (in my head this happens before he marries Laena, but it's up to you) About two or three years pass and although he still loves and mourns the reader, he marries Laena who is a sweetheart to little Lady Martell and doesn't try to replace reader, and is an excellent maternal figure. In this part, the flow continues normally, Laena has the twins, years pass and they are well and happy, but when Laena gets pregnant again and dies, Lady Martell finds herself in the same situation again (she really feels the death of Laena and the baby while remembering Reader and her other unborn brother) She tries to comfort the girls and Daemon tries to comfort the three. They go to Westeros, the funeral and all that confusion takes place, but in the meantime Daemon receives a letter from Dorne saying that it is time for Lady Martell to return home (Dorne) and be prepared to take over the throne that belonged to her mother. Lady Martell is scared at first and goes to Daemon, they have a frank conversation and he says he will support whatever decision she makes (whether to accept it or not) but he encourages her to take on what is rightfully hers. She goes to Dorne and learns her duties quickly and efficiently. A year later, her coronation takes place Dae (who is beyond proud of his eldest daughter) and the rest of the family is there to celebrate. She is a good ruler and Dorne prospers under her leadership, but when the dance breaks out Rhae asks her to support the blacks, but Lady, or rather Princess Martell, says she will not take sides on any side (Dorne will not fight in a war which is not theirs) Rhaenyra, despite being disappointed, respects her decision, something the greens didn't do… please? (Sorry if I got carried away, but the original idea is so interesting that I couldn't help myself…but feel free to ignore this idea and do what you think is best, but if you happen to follow this idea, it will be Can you detail Lady Martell's relationships with Reader, Daemon, Laena, the twins and the rest of the family and her years ruling Dorne, please?)

Ok. Yes, I can absolutely whip this up for you! I had a feeling that is what you were leaning towards but I just had the first idea in mind when you had sent that request. So, I'm sorry that it wasn't exactly to your liking, apologies. Also, I'm gonna have to give y/n from that other one shot a name now. Little disclaimer: moons = 12 months aka 1 year. And here you go:

"It was all part of the story, even the scary nights" - Daemon x Fem! Martell! Reader

Prequel to "And nothing hurts anymore, I feel kind of free"

Warning(s): death during childbirth, infantile death

Word Count: 2085

110 AC

The battle at the Stepsons ended swiftly. They crowned Daemon, King of the Narrow Sea. To celebrate his conquest, Daemon set out to indulge in the finest of wines and there was only one place where it could be found, Dorne.

As Caraxas landed on the sands of Dorne, Daemon is greeted by the future Lady Y/n Martell, and her sister, Nymera.

"I heard the battle for the Stepsons was a victory. Congratulations, my prince."

The Rogue Prince smirks at Y/n, "Thank you, Princess. I also thank you for sending your fleet. Dorne isn't too fond of Targaryens."

Caraxes cries out and you look to see your sister walking up to him.

"Nymera! Leave the dragon alone! Sorry, my sister's curiosity will get her killed one day."

Daemon chuckles, "We were all a bit curious at her age."

Y/n looks Daemon up and down, "My father speaks of you."

"It seems my reputation procedes me."

"It's mostly just of what not to do and be as heir, my Prince. Although, I'm sure you are of good character."

Daemon scoffs. The audacity.

"I hope that your father won't turn me away, so that you can see how good my character is."

"Why do you think my sister and I are greeting you instead of him?"

Y/n led Daemon into the great hall where a celebration was taking place. She brought him over to her father, Qoren Martell.

"Father, Prince Daemon has come for a visit. I hope you can welcome him peacefully."

Qoren looks Daemon up and down, "A dragon in our midst can only bring trouble. I have half a mind to send him away."

Y/n rolls her eyes at her father's behavior. Daemon bows his head, "I promise, Lord Martell, to keep a peaceful visit and not disturb you."

"I hope for your sake that you keep that promise, dragon."

"Alright, father. That's enough. Come, Daemon. Let's join the festivities."

Y/n leads Daemon onto the floor for a dance, "You do know how to dance, right?"

Daemon scoffs at that implication, "I wouldn't be a proper prince if I didn't."

"But you aren't a proper prince. A proper prince doesn't leave for another city instead of returning to his wife."

Daemon places his hands at your waist, "I assure you, Princess. My lady wife is more than joyous for my absence."

The dance starts out slow then speeds up. At the music's climax, Daemon lifts you up. You look deep into each other's eyes.

"How unfortunate for you. To be trapped in a loveless marriage.

Daemon's eyes drop to your mouth. His tongue darts out to lick his lips.

"Yes, how unfortunate."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

112 AC

In Lady Y/n Martell's chambers, she has begun her labors. Her handmaidens crowd around her.

“My lady, is there anything you need?”

The exhausted and straining Princess grits her teeth, “I would love it if the Maester wasn’t wasting his time doing gods know what and help me bring my child into the world.”

Two of the handmaidens run out to see what’s keeping the maester and Daemon walks in.

“Where’s the maester, my love?”

“If I knew, he would be here. It seems he has decided to spend his time elsewher-ahhh!”

Lady Y/n tenses up. She grabs Daemon with a fierce grip.

“My dragon, my maester is nowhere to be found and our little sand dragon has took it upon itself to push out.”

“Now? Like right now?”

Y/n took a deep breath, “Daemon?”

“My love?”

“You are going to help me, right now!"

"Y/n, I'm not a maester. I've never even seen a woman birth a baby. I don't know what I'm doing."

"Lucky for you, I have. Now, go and sit between my legs. It's nothing you haven't seen before-ahh!! Go now!"

Y/n's skin shines with sweat. She grips onto the chair. Daemon lifts his head from the sheet.

"Now, do I catch it when you push or....?"

Y/n looks at her lover. Surely he is not this stupid.

"Catch? catch?! If my child has even a second of air time before their first dragon ride, I'll cut your cock off and that is a promise. Now I'm going to start pushing so, focus!"

After copious amounts of pushing, Y/n and Daemon's daughter, named Aelyssa after Daemon's mother, decided to grace Westeros with her presence.

"Such powerful cries for a small little one."

"She's a dragon. Her cries are like roars."

"You, Aelyssa Targaryen, are going to be great."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

117 AC- Aelyssa is 5

Aelyssa is conflicted. Her mother is pregnant and she is to have a sibling. She is only 5 moons old, she doesn't know how to be a big sister. She isn't allowed in the birthing room but if her mother's cries are anything to go by it seems like it isn't the place to be right now.

In the birthing room, Lady Martell isn't doing so well. The maesters are concerned with something.

"My lady, it seems as if the baby is breached somehow."

"I just need to push a little more, please!"

Maester Osferth looks at the woman with a solemn look. Daemon notices.

"What is it? Can she not continue pushing?"

"Well, my prince. It would be ill-advised to do so. Perhaps we could try and cut-"

"No, absolutely not! You will not cut her like some animal!"

Y/n looks up at Daemon, "My prince."

"My love."

"I fear the babe and I will not make it."

"Don't say that."

Y/n grips Daemon's hand, hard.

"And Aelyssa will need you more than ever. The rest of the realm will not be kind to her. You need to hold her and love her as you do now.

"I swear it."

Lady Y/n's grip on her lover loosens and she takes her last breath

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

118 AC - Aelyssa is 6

It has been one moon since Lady Martell's death and the baby. Once Lady Martell had died, they cut out the baby for burial. It was a boy.

Aelyssa has not gotten over it. She mourns in her room and has her food delivered to her door.

Her father has dragged her out of her chambers to break their fast. She hasn't taken one bite.

"Zaldrītsos, can you please eat something?"

"I am not hungry."

Daemon sighs, "Aelyssaa. You are grieving, so am I, but I do not want you starving yourself. Your mother would not want you to starve yourself."

"I'm just not hungry, father. It has nothing to do with Muña."

Daemon walks over to her and grabs her hand, "Come with me."

They walk out of the dining hall and down to the crypts. Aelyssa marvels at her people's ancestral burial place. They stop in front of Y/n's coffin. Daemon gestures for her to kneel.

"Hello, my love. It has been one moon since you were taken by the Stranger. We are grieving, but it is hard without you here. Our little sand-dragon is having trouble adjusting, naturally. Maybe this can give her peace of mind."

Aelyssa places her hands on her mother's coffin, "Hello, Muña. I admit that I am not doing well with your passing. I am not eating, but I cannot find the strength to eat. Not when you're not sitting with us. I know that you wouldn't like it, and I would try to cope better. There are also talks of my ascension as Dorne's new lady. Aunt Nymeria rules in my stead until I am ready."

Tears roll down Aelyssa's face. She makes no move to wipe them.

"I have ignored father, which I know I should not do as he is the only parent I have, but it is hard. I hope that you are looking down at us from the heavens and shall be proud of the woman I become."

Aelyssa launches into Daemon's arms, unable to hold her sobs.

"Oh, my sand-dragon. It's ok. The hole of grief is never filled, but you learn to live with their memory. I am always here. Do not be scared to come to me with anything that dwells in your head. The ones who love us and the ones we love, never truly leave us."

Daemon and Aelyssa spent that night in the crypt, sleeping beside Y/n.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

125 AC - Aelyssa is 12

It has been 3 moons since Former Lady Martell's death. Aelyssa is still having some trouble adjusting.

She and Daemon are sparring in the training yard of Pentos. Instead of putting her all into it as usual, Aelyssa's been lagging and her father can tell.

"Stop."

Aelyssa looks up at her father, confused. "What? Why?"

Daemon takes her sword from her hand and kneels down, leveling with her.

"What troubles you, my little sunshine?"

"Nothing. Can we finish, Father?"

Daemon narrows his eyes, "No. We can talk about what's distracting you."

She sighs. Father always knows.

"You have married Lady Laena and she is with child, you will forget about me."

"Why would I ever push you aside? You are my firstborn. Nothing will change that."

"But your children will be legitimate in the eyes of the Seven Kingdoms- well six, Dorne doesn't count. The lords, ladies, and the king, I am naught but a bastard to them. And your children might rule Driftmark, a powerful ally to the King. What am I but a future Lady to a kingdom that will never ally with the rest."

Daemon caressed Aelyssa's face. His eyes softened. He remembers Y/n's last words: The rest of the realm will not be kind to her. You need to hold her and love her.

"You are my daughter. Not a political tool. Legitimate or not, I don't care. My brother can moan and groan about you all he wants. I fell in love with your mother and still hold so much love for her. Every time I look at you, I see her. And that fills me with so much happiness because our love created something so beautiful and precious."

"I am not yet sold on Lady Laena. It will take time."

"I do not intend to rush you. Just understand that I still love you and always will. Nothing will ever change that."

"Love you too."

Aelyssa hugs Daemon. Not too keen on his reassurance but she trusts his word.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

137 AC- Aelyssa is 14 (Rhaenyra and Daemon have married and now this is following the last few episodes of S1)

Aelyssa is dressed in gold yellow with hints of red and black. She is pacing in front of closed throne room doors. Daemon is watching her, amused.

"Have you reached the sand yet?"

Aelyssa glares at her father.

"Not the time. I'm nervous and Mother is not here to advise me. I fear I will dishonor her and my ancestors."

Daemon grabs Aelyssa's shoulders to stop her pacing.

"You will be great. You have not dishonored me, therefore you have not and will not dishonor her. Your mother would want you to rule Dorne however you see fit. Now, are you ready?"

Daemon holds his arm out. Aelyssa latches onto him. The doors open. They walk. The room is quiet and all eyes are on their soon-to-be Lady. They reached the front and Ser Cyrbon led Aelyssa up the steps and she sat on her throne.

"I present to you all, Aelyssa Martell, daughter of Y/n Martell, and your Lady! Hail Lady Aelyssa!"

"Hail Lady Aelyssa!"

It's done. You are now Lady of Dorne. You should address the people.

"To my people of Dorne. I welcome you to the new dawn of our kingdom. I intend to rule as my mother did and more. But know this, Dorne will forever remain: Unbowed, Unbent, and Unbroken!"

The people cheered, the guards looked on in pride. Daemon smiles, and the sun- the sun shines a bit brighter on you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

141 AC - Aelyssa is 18

No body was found. The search was in vain. We burn his clothes in place of his body.

Aelyssa is conflicted. She knows not how to comfort her cousins and her sisters. She walks up to Rhaenyra, careful.

"He will be avenged, I swear it."

They walk into the council room. Making battle plans. Rhaenyra and Aelyssa make eye contact throughout the meeting.

"Cousin, I ask you this because I need it. I could use your help."

"Dorne will not fight in a war which is not theirs."

"I am desperate."

"Lucerys did not die in vain. Justice will come but not from us, I'm afraid."

Aelyssa pulls Rhaenyra into a hug.

"I pray to the gods that you are successful. I can't wait to see you on the throne, Cousin. The Iron Throne.

fin.

And if Aelyssa sent Blood & Cheese instead of Daemon, no one will know.

[naamahdarling]

I do want to say, because I know I am extremely and probably sometimes unfairly unforgiving of everything to do with the medical profession, that I had a really good experience last week with a team that was very empathetic and trauma-informed. The area of medicine is deeply triggering and I truly didn't know if I would even be able to talk or not. They were very understanding and respectful and I didn't feel like an inconvenience or a difficult patient, or like someone who was making a big deal out of nothing.

I know and they pointed out that I'm not the only person with this issue. This is actually common. It is utterly baffling to me that so many providers aren't able to cope with PTSD in their patients, especially patients whose trauma is medical in nature. These people treated me like a normal person who had experienced some very not-normal things.

Anyway, I had an unexpectedly hard time afterwards -- I figured the hardest part would be the appointment, and it super was not -- and have had a hard time off and on since. It has not been fun. It's been frustrating and confusing and upsetting and scary. But for once, none of that was the fault of the people I saw. I went in unsure I'd even be able to talk about it and nearly completely certain I wouldn't be able to move forward with the things I need to do. I figured I would probably have to white-knuckle it through a panic attack. I came out having held a productive conversation that left me scared, yes, but also hopeful and optimistic that I can move forward. And I didn't have a panic attack. It was a radical and unexpected change.

I worked hard for this. Any trauma is an awful thing to live with. The work of remaking yourself around the holes it punches in you is hard and confusing. The healing is often slow. In my case it comes with very few immediate rewards (it will actually make my life more difficult for a while because I'll have to deal with more medical interference, hooray). But it was time for me to do this and I have come far enough and worked hard enough to have the resilience to try, and I did it.

All we did was talk, but that would not have been possible a year ago. It was all I could do to ask for a referral because even naming the specialty was upsetting. I couldn't make the phone call to set up an appointment and when they called to try to do it, I hung up. Six or eight months ago I managed to dial the number and then hung up the instant someone answered. Last week I walked into the building and said out loud multiple words that make me feel like I have worms under my skin and which I can barely look at, let alone type. I didn't lose speech. This was a big win for me, and I'm thankful it went well, and I actually am proud of myself. I didn't even use any of my antianxiety meds that day, because I didn't think I would need them.

I don't feel grateful to the staff, I feel like someone finally did the bare fucking minimum, but I am very grateful, because I am not only what I feel. I am also what I know and what I do, and I am finally sort of getting those three things to match up in a way that they patch the holes in one another a little, and maybe someday I can stop slipping through the cracks.

I'm scared they will fuck up when I go to get some issues addressed, and they will betray me or harm me. I really am. Because hey, that's what my experiences have prepared me for, so that's a very natural way for me to feel. Rational, even.

I'm scared that I will look back at this appointment and feel stupid for having experienced any hope at all.

But even if it goes to shit, I still went in there and tried. I still did my best. And my best was okay. I was able to separate my fear from what needed to be done just a little bit. That means something. Because I didn't think I could do it at all.

[ccaramel-llow]

Can I request tadc reader where they're very sweet and nonchalant with people even when they're mean to them?

TADC! Cast x reader

Warnings ; Cussing, Bullying, Jax, Not proof read, Obsessive behavior, Death threats, Holding hands before marriage? smh.

Genre ; Fluff + Romance

Pairings ; Queenie/Reader, Kinger/Reader, Kaufmo/reader, Pomni/Reader, Ragatha/Reader, Zooble/Reader, Caine/Reader, Jax/Reader

Queenie

, The competitive x The sweetheart.

, She's overprotective of you and cusses out anyone who's rude to you.

, Beautiful scary guard dog x The kind sweetheart, Literally punches anyone if they made you cry

, She never does it in front of others although, She makes sure your distracted because she doesn't wanna lose you.

, Gets flustered as you boost up her ego if you complimented her when she finished one of caine's bullshitty challenges

, Always gives you a kiss on the forehead and tells you how proud she is of you and how much she loves you after finishing a challenge.

, She likes to hear you rant about stuff you like and nods her head whenever you make a statement

, She adores hugs, Hug her pretty pretty please :3

, Tries to teach you how to defend yourself but fails, And when she does that literally just makes her pull out a resting bitch face.

, She know's when something's up with you. So if your showing any signs of negative behavior, She tries to comfort you by telling you how strong you are.

" You're trying Lovely, But I'm afraid you're also failing. But that's okay, You're perfect to me in all ways possible. Now may i please have a hug from you my dearest? "

Kinger

, He literally glares at anyone who makes fun of you, He feel's bad for your well being and tries to defend you but fails.

, Drags you to his impenetrable fortress just for him to distract you from negative thoughts when your sad, He distracts you by playing with your hair as he asks you what kind of stuff you like while cuddling

, Hold's your hand when Jax bullies you and when Jax is gone he attempts to try and comfort you.

, He doesn't understand why you're so nice. He always thinks you would get mad and start lashing out but you never do. You just reply with a soft, Kind compliment.

, Stares at you with lovey dovey eyes every time you're near him. He compliments you when you're next to him. He fiddles with his hands while looking at you too.

, Shy loser x Over sweet loser

, Death glare's at anyone who attempts to make fun of you until they go off, He's always pissed when someones mean to you and starts ranting on how you dont deserve such bull shitty treatment.

" (Name), You gotta learn how to fend for yourself!- Yeah you're right actually i suck at fending for myself too. BUT STILL!- You need to actually fight for yourself!... I give up never mind lets just go." drags you to his impenetrable fortress

Kaufmo

, Literally says an offensive joke about anyone who bullies you and then it starts a cat fight.

, He asks if your alright all the time after being yelled at, Bullied, Etc.

, Smooches your hand while cuddling in his room to comfort you if you say no.

, He paints you!! He gets flustered when you ask why he drew you. He uses "B-because you're super kind!" As an excuse with a wobbly smile because he knows he sucks shit at lying.

, When he found an exit, He got so excited because he could show you and you'd be so proud of him!! And you were. And you didn't even take it as a joke.

, He loves how you genuinely love his humor, Even if it's dark.

, Definitely doesn't dream about you both getting married.

, Whenever you laugh he starts to get sweaty and nervous, Because your laugh sounds so genuine that it truly makes him happy, It makes him even more in-love with you.

" Wait.... You... Love my humor? R-really? Uhm.... Of course i'll say more jokes!! F-for you!!"

Pomni

, She's so confused. But she finds you so beautiful.

, Why are you so kind? Are you even real? Are you perhaps an angel sent from heaven to guide her?

, She always freaks out around you and blushes a shit ton.

, Glares at anyone who disrespects you and harsh-fully insults them to the point where the bully bawls their eyes out.

, Asks if you're okay after being insulted and holds your hands as she tells you how great and sweet you are if you say you aren't to reassure you that you're an amazing person.

, She likes to bring you with her while she tries to find a way out the circus, You being her all-time favorite person.

, She drop kicks jax and runs away with you if jax tries to bully you.

, She nods at every statement you say, Not really caring about how stupid your idea is but following it anyways because she's so happy that she gets to be near you.

" (Name), (name)!! Would you like to uh.. Uh!-... COMPLete-! this challenge with me?"

Ragatha

, She's just like you! You're just like her!! You two are basically soulmates sent from heaven.

, Though, She gets mad often and you genuinely are a nonchalant person who's usually calm all the time.

, She defends you from jax and glares at anyone who dares to harshly pick on you.

, Drags you away from the toxic person and asks you whats on you're mind today to distract you from negative thoughts.

, Likes to smooch your cheek after you finish a challenge, Ranting about how proud she is of you.

, Ragatha tends to be passive aggressive when people are being rude to you, For example she says a comment that sounds nice but is extremely offensive to the victims ears.

, Likes to take you to her room so she can braid your hair.

Zooble

, This Ambiguous fuck attacks ANYBODY who messes wit you.

, They comfort you by ranting angrily at you by saying how pretty, Handsome, Sweet and cool you are.

, Will try to teach you how to fend for yourself. But then fails.

, They like to receive attention from you, For example compliments, Praise, Or hugs.

, Cheer's you on when you do something not giving a dog's ass about what others think of it.

, Shit talks the person who talked smack about you.

, Get's in trouble daily for you.

, They like to drag you to their room so they can rant about stuff as they slowly get flustered on how you look and listen to them so intently.

, They also get nervous around you, Pretending that you dont exist and usually pretends to cough to cover up a compliment, When you ask what they said they just said they coughed.

, Likes to rant about you while your listening.

" (Name), You let that little- you know what...? Come on sweetie were gonna do some defensive training. "

Jax

, He literally teases you alot.

, Bullies you but he knows when he goes too far so he stops.

, Bullies the person who talked bullshit about you as if he wanted them dead, because he does.

, Will say death threats to the person who bullied you. Not including himself.

. Can And will throw a fight just because someone criticized you.

, Calls you "Sugar" because of how sweet you are. And also calls you his saint for personal reasons.

, he likes to ask you for a lot of stuff, But plot twist, He asks for kisses, Praise, Etc.

"Hey toots, Mind kissing me right here?~"

Caine

, Bitch was confused on why you were so calmed when you first arrived, But soon later developed feelings for you after the first 2 year's you stayed.

, He honestly was surprised you lasted this long but then remembers he shouldn't because Hoo Hah exists.

, Is VERY chatty when your around him. He likes to rant about stuff while you're just there listening to him speak gibberish.

, Glares at anybody who shit talks you and sends them to the cellar with a sheer look of dissapointment.

, SPIN HUGS WHEN YOU FINISH A CHALLENGE AND YOU WERENT FEELING GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF. HE PRAISES YOU SO MUCH. RAHH.

, When your sad he takes you to your room and your both just cuddling while your sleeping and under big fat soft blankets and he plays with your hair.

" How dare you criticize my dearest you li-"

Likes + Reblogs are appreciated.

i spent 2 hours on this bitch smh

[allwormdiet]

Arc 8: Extermination, Concluding Thoughts

What a fucking month this day has been

This arc has everything. The greatest virtues and darkest failures of humanity, fighting to save the day and fighting to win and fighting to survive another minute longer, fear and hope and despair and rage.

I'm still kind of beside myself at the failures of the Protectorate and PRT that get put on display in this event. Like they legitimately have time before the attack, something that is apparently unprecedented before Armsmaster and Dragon's project, and Legend burns a bunch of that time by being a massive downer instead of hurrying up with the strategy talk. They also just straight up don't explain anything to Skitter when she's taken into the hospital, which is how we end up with Stalker's identity revealed and Colin's breakdown, which. Jesus fucking Christ could these people be any more like cops than in the moment where they were pressing Skitter. Like yeah she's a villain and she fucked up truce conditions, but she's also a teenager who just recovered from a spinal injury and has been left totally alone and terrified up until she crossed that line. Obviously tensions are high, but shouldn't parahumans of all fucking people, and heroes of all fucking parahumans, be able to handle someone processing trauma with a bit more grace? Like I don't even hate the Protectorate, I think most of them are doing the best they can except for Shadow Stalker and Armsmaster. But their best has failed people, and keeps failing Taylor in particular. It's a system, and a pretty massive system at that for all it spans two pretty big countries and one heavily populated one, and we've seen the system's blind spots and shortfalls here.

Speaking of blind spots and shortfalls: hey Colin. I knew you were gonna do something fucking stupid this arc, I didn't know what exactly but you really blew my expectations out of the water. I'm very proud of you for getting Kaiser dead, okay, don't think for a second that I'd hold dead Nazis against you, but trying to get a teenager killed so you can solo Leviathan is a fucking insane thing to do. I don't care if the teenager made hornets sting your face, I don't care if the teenager told you she was going undercover with criminals and then just became a criminal. We don't feed teenagers to kaiju for personal glory. We also don't out teenagers' dirtiest secrets in front of people who might just kill them for it; you knew full well that Bitch and Regent had killed before and would kill again if provoked, and sure as shit Lisa says that they're gonna have to get Rachel to cool way the fuck down in order to make sure she doesn't murder Taylor for her almost-treachery. If Skitter got mauled to death by a giant dog, that would've been on your fucking head Colin.

Unfortunately I don't think he's gonna get more than a slap on the wrist for this, which is slightly steeper for him than for other people bc he's only got the one wrist, but maybe there's a chance he gets some fucking humility out of this entire ordeal.

I think the Leviathan fight is the best one out of the entire story so far, as I stew on it. Lung was cool, Wards was cool, Bakuda was tense and scary, Protectorate was... mixed, and Empire had some cool beats. Leviathan just. It had everything. The battlefield felt more real and more relevant to the fight than ever before, the stakes were felt, the casualties, Jesus fucking Christ the casualties. People dropping left and right, heroes and villains taking hits that they can't get up from, all in the desperate hope that they can buy that much time for everyone else to step up, that much time to save this fucking city. Skitter spends so much of the battle feeling utterly useless, even as she ends up being critical at multiple points for tracking Leviathan down, saving as many people from the shelter as she could with a borderline suicidal attack, even saving Clockblocker when nobody else was thinking to. For all she bemoans her weakness, her futile struggles, the powers she doesn't have and the people she can't rescue, she saved easily dozens of lives, and carried the fight that much further for others to keep it going.

Which is why I'm a little aghast at the idea that this could've been her swan song.

There's never going to be a better time for me to talk about this, so let's get to it. I learned that Wildbow claims to have used dice in order to dictate who lives and who dies in the Leviathan battle, including Taylor and the rest of the Undersiders, and I have two thoughts on that! One: I hope it's a fib, because the idea that there's any chance the deaths of major and supporting characters would be riding entirely on chance instead of the author's own will and ideas for the story feels utterly anathema to me. Two: if it is true, I'm really glad that he rolled exactly the way he did, because this seems like just about the best possible way for this story to remain intact.

Like let's look at this for a second, right? Let's look at major figures and see who dies. Every Undersider makes it out alive, that's our core cast right there, a lot of plot riding on them, a lot of future interactions (including the ones in 8.7 and 8.8) that would've been cut violently short and left dangling for the next million plus words. Armsmaster survives being disarmed, not out of the question since he got pretty swift treatment for that obviously, but that also means that he's alive to snitch Taylor out for her plan to betray the Undersiders, deepen the rift between them and force Taylor to double down on what it means to be a villain if she wants to have any semblance of the life she used to have before Leviathan came crashing down on the city. Glory Girl and Panacea survive in order to have their own fucked up misadventure later down the line, Flechette and Parian keep kicking and get to be characters later. Coil lives to keep being a major issue, Dinah survives alongside him and so does Noelle. Kaiser gets bisected, thank God, allegedly he was supposed to keep being a major antagonist in the future and this was cut short when the dice came up with a fatal end, but I don't know that he would've kept mattering. The ABB is cooked, done, out of the city entirely. Coil's consolidating power, pushing out every player who can't be incorporated into his little plans. The Empire is already unstable with the publishing of their identities, they can't put the genie back because any possible doubt that could've been cast on the reports was obliterated when Purity leveled multiple city blocks and talking about how she'd kill everyone in the city if she didn't get her baby back. The state of the city very likely means that Medhall is going to shit, so that's his legitimate power base crumbling, and as far as everyone is probably concerned it's open season on fascist capes. If Leviathan didn't do it, I'd give it a week before some anti-Nazi out of towner got him with a Tinkertech assassination device Shinzo Abe style. Kaiser's purpose as the one holding the reins on the Empire was fulfilled, it was entirely in keeping with the trajectory of the story to see him fall and have other threats rise in his place, that much more disorganized and chaotic and proving that the Empire isn't better than any of the other villain groups or gangs.

Let's look at the other local deaths while we're at it. Aegis, Browbeat, and Gallant; three Wards who we knew for all of one arc, and who we got to learn a bit more about in the span of a single interlude, and who didn't seem to have a whole lot going on. For fuck's sake, Browbeat apparently rolled to survive the first time and got killed in a retcon bc it made Wildbow's life easier, so clearly him living or dying doesn't add up to much. Dauntless and Velocity, two Protectorate heroes where one of them didn't even have speaking lines and I legitimately can't remember whether Velocity says anything and don't want to comb through and check, which isn't a great sign for his relevance in the wider story. Manpower and Shielder, who we only first saw in Arc 7 and who also had no lines or interactions. Alabaster, Fenja, and Kaiser, the only known Brockton native villains who bit the bullet; Alabaster had no lines, Fenja maybe had a line or maybe it was Menja but they only really mattered during the Lung rematch back in Arc 5, and I'm not explaining Kaiser a second time because fuck him and because this is already getting pretty long.

Maybe I'm biased because I'm reading this over a decade after it came out and I'm looking at it as part 8 of a 30 part story, but while I'm certain a number of these deaths will have repercussions (New Wave is certainly reeling with their losses, and there's no way Glory Girl is handling Gallant's death well either, never mind his conversation with Panacea) none of them seem to have immediate repercussions for Taylor's story. The closest thing she might have had to a personal connection with any of them was a beef with Kaiser and his lot, and that doesn't really count because their conflicts with each other were entirely within the boundaries of "cape business." Kaiser getting snapped like a Slim Jim means that out of the major criminal powers of Brockton Bay, the only one Taylor still has to deal with is Coil, who she has a lot more personal connections with for good and for ill.

And then there's the idea that Taylor could have died here if the dice said she dies, she'd end up a decoy protagonist all along and we'd switch perspectives to Aegis, of all fucking people. I legitimately want to ignore this for the foreseeable future because I'm so so so glad it didn't shake out that way. All of these past chapters, all of these past arcs, and it wouldn't matter? Taylor just drowns in the middle of a destroyed street or gets crushed by Leviathan and that's all folks? Aegis would be the one to spearhead the defense on Gold fucking Morning? (Yeah I already know about Gold Morning, I've known the broad strokes of this story for years and didn't give a fuck bc I didn't think I'd get around to reading it, more fool me.) I can't buy that. I can barely even acknowledge that it's being sold to me. I legitimately prefer the version of reality where Wildbow is fibbing about the dice, that he used them as an aid to decide which minor characters bit it while still knowing the characters he already wanted to knock off or keep alive, or that he didn't use them at all, because that makes way more sense to me as an author than the idea that he left all of it up to chance. That he left the quality and content of his story, up to and including the narrator/protagonist, up to random chance. I have to believe that he's fudging the truth because the alternative is that he's a maniac.

Okay, that's my piece said, let's get to the rest of this.

We finally get a more thorough understanding of Lisa, and the end result isn't nearly what I was afraid of. Like yeah, she's been manipulating Taylor, feeding into some of her worse instincts, corrupting a potential hero into a committed villain, but I maintain, still, that Taylor would have fucking died if she'd tried to keep playing at indie hero when Bakuda's rampage started. Is it so dire a corruption arc if it means Taylor has like an iota more of self-respect than she did before? If making her a little more selfish, a little more hardened, is what it takes to get her somewhere approaching happiness, is it really that much better to keep her pure-hearted and utterly miserable? Ideally she could be both good and happy, but this isn't that kind of story, she's lucky to get one or the other and frequently has neither, and to commit wholly to being good and eschewing happiness entirely is an unreasonable fucking ask for anybody, much less a teenager.

Beyond that little ethical knot, Lisa just keeps being fun to watch do stuff. Seeing her at work in the flashback and in the Leviathan fight is pretty spectacular, and the fact that she responds to the Protectorate's ultimatum against Skitter by putting an even bigger and meaner ultimatum to their head is a masterstroke. I remembered that the Boardwalk sucks for all that it seems like a cool place to hang around, Jesus fucking Christ the whole deal of the enforcers gives me hives.

And then there's Coil. Fucking Coil. Rancid piece of shit wannabe Bond villain store-bought superpower creep-ass bastard. Him and Creep and Pitter can all drop down an elevator shaft in the next arc and I'd still have put up with them for too long, but I'm not lucky enough for that to happen so I'm just gonna have to keep putting up with this horseshit for now, lucky me. Coil cannot die fast enough for my satisfaction, because for that I'd need him to have died an arc ago.

Can't wait to see how Brockton Bay handles getting turned into fucking Waterworld, probably not well at all

[there-will-be-a-way]

I told my therapist I have DID

We started the session by talking about top surgery, an awful psych ward I once went to and baby cats. Then, when half the session was over, I told him there's been something on my mind that I don't dare to talk about. I told him that I wrote the reasons why in my journal: that I fear him thinking I am an attention seeker or that he doesn't take me seriously. He asked me if he ever reacted to anything I said by thinking about me like I'm attention seeking etc.. (Of course he didn't.) I told him that he's the best therapist I ever had and that being rejected by him would hurt a lot. He reacted by asking, "Why would I reject you for something that's obviously important to you?" He offered that I could write it down but that felt impossible so I declined. He then offered to ask some questions and guess what it was that I wanted to talk about so we did that. Eventuelly he figured out that it was about a disorder I have that he doesn't know about. He asked me if he has documents from me where this diagnosis is listed and I told him, no, that I purposefully didn't give him the letter I got from the rehab clinic because it's written down there. He started laughing and said, "That's tricky!" Haha. Eventually I just dropped it. Told him that it's DID. He asked how I feel about having told him and that I can be proud of myself for saying it. He asked me what I think about this diagnosis and he asked about the parts I know, and if I ever did therapy for the DID. I said yeah, but that I don't remember most of it (he said it could be because therapy was too fast paced so he said we'll make sure to do things slowly this time). He also wanted to know what my goals are for DID therapy and I said I'd like for all my parts to work together and that I want to feel like a whole person instead of feeling fragmented. I also told him that sometimes I don't remember what we talk about in our sessions and he said if that ever happens again, I can email him and he'll tell me (nice!). He also said that after my surgery we can work on finding out a way to tell which parts are present.

There were honestly so many good moments during the session that helped me build trust and be vulnerable, I can't even write about them all. I can't believe I really did that and that my therapist took me seriously. Part of me feels like the biggest attention seeking fraud right now, but I feel relieved. But ngl, DID therapy sounds scary as hell. I feel as vulnerable as an open wound

Anyway, I sweated so much during the session that I walked out with sweat stains on my t-shirt lmao

tl;dr: my therapist is the most professional and helpful therapist I ever had and one day I'm gonna tell him that I'll remember his name on my death bed

[onskepa]

If your requests are still open could you do a Ri'nela x reader fic where the reader is an Avatar and they spar together? I love her character so much and I hope we see more of her in the future!

YAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSS!!! My first ri'nela fic!! Thank you so much for requesting her sweetie! You are the best! Alright, hope everyone enjoys this fic!

--------------

Litx

The doors opened for Nesim to enter. Along with her, Ri’nela and so’lek enter, leading Nesim to the conference room. During the walk, ri’nela introduces everyone to the Olo’eykte and give her space. But among the allies in the base, one caught Nesim’s attention. 

Further in the back was a dream walker. Litx. 

“Does my eye deceive me? Litx!” Nesim calls out to the dreamwalker. And the person in question turned away from their tablet and smiled happily. Nesim and litx meet in the middle of the room, hugging and laughing in joyous manner. 

“What is this? These….awful things you called clothes. What Happened to the top my sister made for you? And your necklace? Gone! Where is the Zeswa warrior I trained? Hm?” Nesim wouldn't stop her questions. So’lek didn't looked surprised but ri’nela sure was. 

“You were a zeswa?” Ri’nela asked. Litx can only chuckle. 

“It is a long story…” 

What felt like hours had passed, and Nesim shared some embarrassing stories to the resistance. Like a proud mother giving no privacy to her child. Everyone laughed but ri’nela didnt. Everything that she knew of nerdy litx was nothing compared to what Nesim was telling. 

“You make litx sound like a mighter warrior” Nor tells. 

Nesim cackles at that, “because she is! Now if only the young ones can follow her example, my clan wouldnt worry as much! But yes, litx, despite being a dreamwalker as you call them. Litx has proven herself among the Zeswa, and I am proud to call her as such”. 

“Nesim…” Litx whispers, feeling the heat of embarrassment reach her face.

So’lek noticed how much time was being wasted, so he turns to Nor and takes him to further his training. But before they fully leave, he turns to ri’nela. “At some point ri’nela, you will have to train too. Supplying and assisting won't help you survive in a fight” he tells her. Ri’nela looks down at her tablet, clinging on to it. 

“Ri’nela is too nice to fight” Nor tells so’lek. Alma was quick to correct nor, but it didn't comfort ri’nela. So’lek dragged nor out to train. Leaving the ladies alone. 

“He is right, you know, we are at war with those humans. Everyone has to learn how to fight, even you, young sarentu” Nesim tells calmly. Ri’nela only nods. Out of those she grew up with, ri’nela felt better working behind the scenes. Being silent yet still trying to make a big impact on the world. Just by living is a big change already. Fighting isn't something she can imagine herself doing. 

“Perhaps you can teach me…?” ri’nela asks to nesim. The na’vi in question releases a loud cackle. “Why not join so’lek? He is a good warrior too. You have seen it first hand” the Olo’eykte replies. Ri’nela only shakes her head, “he can be very intimidating, scary even”. 

The women chuckle in agreement. Yes, there is no doubt about that. 

“I cannot. I must return to my clan, your sarentu fellow must have arrived in the great planes. My people need me and there is much to prepare and protect” Nesim replies with a slight guilt in her voice. Ri’nela catched it but it also made her sad. However, Nesim smirks as she turns to Litx, already thinking ahead. 

“I cannot help you, however Litx can” Nesim says. 

“She can?” 

“I can?” 

“Yes, you can skxawng” Nesim hisses as she hits litx at the back of her head, earning a hiss. 

“Like I said before, I personally trained litx myself. Showed her everything I ever knew. If litx trains you, it would be like me training you ri’nela. Trust me, litx is a fine warrior who is sadly wasting her skills away” Nesim tells as she playfully tugs ltix’s ear. 

“I am not wasting my skills away, I am just needed here more than out there” litx resplies. 

“But can you litx…? Can you train me?” Ri’nela asks again, this time with some new hope. Litx scratched the back of her head, hissing slightly. 

“Yes she will,” Nesim replies for her. Litx was surprised but tried to protest, her attempts fell short. “No, so’lek is correct. Young ri’nela needs training and I need to go back to my clan. You are the only other option the resistance has. So get your tail moving” Nesim warns. 

Sighing in defeat, litx finally complies. And ri’nela smiles in glee. 

“Hello my pretties” litx says in awe. Opening her massive storage, she brings out many spears. Some looked nearly identical to the spear nesim brought. Ri’nela was in awe as litx takes them out, handing a few for ri’nela to hold. 

“Come, let's go to the open grass field, it's wide enough and hardly any animals go there so you won't hurt anyone or anything” Litx suggests. Nodding ri’nela follows close, already feeling excited and nervous. The field wasnt that far so they made is in a few minutes of walking. 

“Alright ri’nela, what form of combat do you know? Defense or attack?” litx asks in wanting to know what specifics the young sarentu knows. 

Giving a moment of thought ri’nela responds, “I know how to shoot guns and run really fast. How to use large war machines and fight with blades but that is about it”.  

Litx slightly frowns at that. The sarentu ancestors would be angry and rolling in anguish if they heard ri’nela say of her experiences with human machines and practices. That won't do. 

“Well ri’nela, the way you were taught is the way of the humans. While useful yes, but you are na’vi, so you will learn to fight like one” Litx promises. While encouraging, ri’nela felt some doubt. Litx was quick to catch that. “Your people, the sarentu, were peaceful. Mighty they were, but fighting is an art I am not really familiar with. So like nesim taught me, I will show you the zeswa way. So, think fast!” 

Learning the basics wasn't easy, and training was more difficult. Ri’nela moved too much like a human, Thinking like a human, everything that the young sarentu did was too human. And was something litx had to fix. 

“*sighs* ri’nela you could have dodged it easily” litx sighs. Ri’nela groans in frustration, throwing the spear to the ground. “You make it look easy, litx. The spears are heavy and comfortable. Rough and not easy to grab on to. Much less throwing them. I d-” 

Ri’nela was silenced by the sudden burst of laughter from litx. Tilting her head in confusion, she just observes the avatar letting out a good laugh. “Oh ri’nela, you truly have a long way to go” litx says. Standing up straight and clearing her voice, the dreamwalker tilts her head to a spot to sit on. Taking a break. 

Ri’nela does so, sitting next to litx taking in the calm view of pandora. There was an odd amount of silence, so she decided to break it by asking a question. 

“Why did nesim teach you?” ri’nela asks. 

Litx took a moment to respond, “simple really. I wanted to learn”. A small smile stretched her lips, remembering the past. 

“Learn what?” ri’nela presses on. 

“What is not important. What is important is to get you to learn” 

“I am trying but-” litx cut her off. 

“But this, but that. Ri’nela that is your problem, you are thinking human. You are not human, you are na’vi. How you fight is human, how you move is human. So, stop being human. That is not who you are. Fight, move, talk like a na’vi” 

Ri’nela repeats litxs words but looks down in doubt. “I don't even know if I can” 

Litx gets up, dusting off her clothes and offers her hand to ri’nela. “Well it is about time that you do”

“Again! With your tail this time, you have a tail so use it!” litx instructs as she spars with ri’nela. The spears were pushed aside from hunting blades instead. Small steps at a time. Ri’nela was trying to balance her movements but kept forgetting to use her tail for proper body balance. Swaying too much on either side always makes her trip without meaning to. Or gripping her knife too loosely. But ri’nela was determined. 

“Don't be scared to hurt me. Don't let fear cover your vision. If you hurt me then that is good. A warrior must never fear” Litx continues more. Their hunting blades crash against each other, at times when they clash sparks will fly. Each swing, punch, or a near stab, ri’nela was getting the hang of it. Trying to be familiar with her body in the form of combat. 

Ri’nela was pushing litx back, close to a small body of water, while litx was quick in dodging her attacks, she was blind of what wash happening. And ri’nela used that opportunity. Seeing an opening, the sarentu quickly used her tail from under, and wrapping it around litx’s ankle catching her off guard. Using her left feet, ri’nela swept litx off the ground while being quick to release her tail. 

Litx fell into the small pond, being surprised by the sudden move. But she wasn't mad, in fact she was proud. 

“See? I did use my tail” ri’nela says confidently. Chuckling in amusement, ltix gets up. 

“Indeed, well done ri’nela” litx praises. Ri’nela blushes at her words, its not often she hears positive words towards her. It feels nice to be complemented. “Can we continue..? I think I would like to practice more” she says. 

Litx smiles and guids ri’nela back to her other weapons. “Good, because we are not stopping now. You got the hang of your blade, now for the real things. We will be using the spears, and hopefully soon ri’nela. You will fight like a true na’vi that you are”. 

Ri’nela looks forward to what litx has to show. 

Maybe she will rub it in Nor's face later.

Aaaaaaaand that is all for this one! I really enjoyed it since I did my hardest to describe the actions even though I suck at it XD

So until next time! See ya!

--------

Litx = (blade) sharp

[shalom-iamcominghome]

Hi Shalom, I am the anon who sent an ask about calling a shul last week. Before giving updates I would like to apologise for vomiting my anxiety all over the ask. We're strangers and you didn't ask for the job of calming my anxieties. I apologise for that.

Also, thank you for your faith in me, it gave me strength, because I did go to the shul. I was incredulous at myself, but I did do it. I had to go back to my home during the day as I had forgotten my ID but I still went back instead of giving up (the journey was one hour and a half total, next time I will remember).

The security literally used interrogator techniques on me, which I realised only later. I totally understand, I didn't know anyone there, I was not Jewish by my own confession, I could have been anyone. Anyway, I said if I shouldn't be here that evening it was fine (I didn't want to pose a security risk) he said "No! You can go tonight we talked about you."

What can I say about the experience but that it was- so much better than I expected. First, everyone was so opened and relaxed. I talked with two women behind me. I said it was my first time and asked some questions, and one of them was so nice. Said she couldn't read either the first time, that she had learned. Turns out she was a convert. I hesitated to tell her I wasn't Jewish, but I did. One thing I want to be is honest. Those people are literally putting themselves in danger, opening their space to a stranger, I owe them at least three time my honesty.

At one point during the office, I got teary eyes. The emotion of being there, honestly it surprised me, I don't really now what got me so emotional. Another moment, I felt like I was flying, wrapped in the singing of everyone around me.

Another thing is I was finally hearing people say Hashem, and Shma Israel and Shabbat Shalom and talking about the destruction of the Temple. It was as if I had finally found the correct dimension, you know?

It was so good. At the end the lady gave me her number told me I could text and we could drink coffee this week so that she could answer my questions.

The guy at the entrance told me to call the secretary to begin the procedure of conversion. I never said I wanted to, but apparently me wanting to assist to an office count as wanting to convert.

So, this has been a wonderful experience. I still I'm not sure if I want to convert or not. I will contact the lady. What I know is I want to learn everything, I want to go back to shul. What I don't know is, what level of observance can I sustain realistically over the term of my life? am I ready to confront my relatives reaction to this? And am I ready to put my children in danger over my calling to Judaism?

I will reflect and ask questions and think.

Thank you for reading, have a great day!

I want to start with: I am, genuinely, very proud of you. It might sound odd, but it is such an intimidating first step to take, and I can empathize with how scary it is. Additionally, I understand where you were coming from, and understood that these anxieties are hard to talk about with, really, anyone, but they need to go somewhere. Every step of the conversion process is a community project, even questioning if judaism is right will take a community to address. We can't survive alone in this, and I think part of exploring conversion is learning how to be in community. I think many of us grew up in hyper-individualistic communities to the point where we internalize shame by "stooping down" to seeking help. I don't want to assume what your situation is, but it's definitely been something I personally have had to contend with (and frankly, I still am contending with). So I truly understand why you went about your feelings the way you did - you didn't cause harm to me, I didn't feel like a therapist, and you it seemed like you needed community. That's nothing to be ashamed or guilty for. So long as we all remember that I am not an expert, I think we can at least have a heart-to-heart. My overall point is: I don't want for you to feel ashamed of needing community and asking for support, and I hope you don't feel that way. I'm glad you contacted me, and feel honored that you chose me to speak about it with. That's crazy to think about (in a good way, of course)!

I truly have so much faith in your path, and I found myself relating heavily in what you've expressed. I absolutely don't want to tell you what you ought to do, but I really hope you continue this journey no matter where it leads you. Keep asking those big questions - learning about what your needs are is so important. I can't answer them for you, and I don't want to assume that you want me to answer those for me, but if you ever want to talk, know that this blog is an option if you want it to be. All of this is a community effort. Chase the happiness. You deserve that, literally, at the very least

[dead-boys-club]

You characterize everyone really great! Except Touya don't you think you write him a little too expressive? it just doesn't seem very fitting.

I'm not sure if I should say thank you or...

So, I'm not going to do what I did with Hawks and write you a whole book ( i lied ) on why I write Toya the way I do. However, I'll give a little piece:

Dabi was a mysterious, sarcastic jackass. Dabi was a cover. A persona. He didn't exist. He was built to mask intentions until Toya got where he needed and wanted to be. It's very simple.

Toya, on the other hand, in case no one's noticed is very emotional, very expressive and talks waaay too fucking much. I mean, we spent like 7 pages with him monologuing. He's not.. some emotionless, dead inside jerk and I also refuse to write him as some overly sexualized nympho - it's kind of tiring seeing all these characters reduced to nothing but sex and bad clichés. I mean - he's a super traumatized, unstable dude with a mental issue here and there, who actually enjoyed hurting people, but he's not a sociopath. However, he's also not in denial about a single thing. He knows what he went through, he knows what he's doing, he knows he's a little unhinged.

However - you're talking about a kid who basically just wanted attention and approval, who wanted his dad to be proud of him. Lmao, I hate to break it to you anon, but half the people I know, including myself, are very familiar with this kind of situation and the trauma of it. ( if you feel the need to come at me for the burning alive part, you can take your smart-ass right to the block button and not waste my time. )

I really, really hate that I have to keep repeating myself about these characters actually having depth and being more complex than you give them credit for.

Do you even understand what its like to be a deeply traumatized person, who sought those things and ended up so fucking disappointed that you became someone else? That you stopped trusting, stopped loving - you just kinda broke? The scenarios and reactions I've written for him with a partner convey someone who finally found someone else that isn't pushing him away, isn't screaming at it and is accepting how he wants to deal with things. And I've also made it clear in my writings of him that it confuses the shit out if him and he doesn't just accept that someone loves him and is proud of him... because how the hell is he supposed to know how to react to something he's never had? I didn't just.. make him into a character that changed over night and is good and happy, etc etc. No. Because I know better and I'm not going to shit on a character with complexities stemming from trauma and mental disorders.

As someone with a handful of mental problems, trauma out of the ass, that relates to this character on a pretty scary level - I refuse to write him on the surface of what Dabi was supposed to portray. I will continue to write Toya the way I always have and if you don't like it, that's perfectly fine. I'm not asking you to like it or change your OPINION, because that's what it is, but you will not come onto my page and tell me it's wrong. Lmfao.

I'm sorry that you want some shitty, second hand surface level Dabi writing that I refuse to give. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Hopefully you find another writer who will do that for you.

( Let me clarify: I am 100% shitting on how this opinion was brought to me. I'm not shitting on people that write him that way, not everyone spends 179395 hours in a fixation obsession over a character; I do. Write how you want. Write how it makes you happy. But don't go to people and talk to them like this.)

You could have easily written something like 'you characterize everyone really great but I don't agree with toya. can i ask why you characterize him like this?' Literally could've just asked. Not 'oh this is great except this one this one is wrong'.

If it doesn't seem fitting to you, that's okay. Then my writing isn't your taste. Go find someone else you enjoy?

[dan-whoell]

When BIG dropped I was sitting in the passenger seat of my mother’s car. We were waiting for a red light to change. The youtube notification pinged and my I got goosebumps.

In all honesty I thought it was... not a joke exactly, but I thought for sure it was clickbait, that there was some kind of spin. I didn't believe it was actually happening. I went to twitter and saw some of the responses and I thought... I don't know what I thought. Everyone was (obviously) taking him very seriously and yet I still didn't believe it was actually happening. For some reason I just assumed it was being blown out of proportion. Still I was cautiously optimistic, thinking ok, maybe it’s real, but I never imagined Dan would explicitly come out the way that he did. 

An hour or two later I got home and watched it in my bedroom, alone, and cried. It was real. He was putting himself out there in a way that he could not walk back. I was so fucking proud of him. But more than that, I felt seen. Understood. The fear and the shame he talked about was so real to me. Specifically I remember that was a lot of stress about nothing and I didn’t think they’d reject me these days, but coming out is still a surprise and to anyone that isn’t out, it’s okay.

I was 23 and closeted to my immediate family and only just beginning to really accept my own gender crisis. I had so much fear about actually voicing my queerness to anyone in my family. I was out as a lesbian at work and had one friend that I even remotely said anything to about gender (which was mostly me shrugging and saying it was something I thought about, but not a whole lot.) But none of it was authentically me. I wasn’t living my truth, you know? I didn’t even know my truth because I didn’t do a lot of the work to figure myself out. I’ve always thought that I would never fully live my life until my family was gone, so I didn’t see the point in doing much exploring.

And then I saw this incredible person that I’d watched and looked up to for years had a courage that I didn't think I’d ever have. He gave words to the anxiety inside of me. I cried and I didn’t have anyone to hug but myself. 

I’m 28 now and I’m still not out to my family. It’s still scary to me. But I’ve looked inside myself a lot, and I’ve accepted the truth about who I am. I am queer. I am trans. That doesn’t change no matter who I do or do not tell. And I only have courage to accept myself because of Dan, and Phil, and entire community of people who are unapologetically themselves. 

Five years ago BIG gave me the courage to be honest with myself, and I will forever be grateful for that.