#so scared of posting this because what if i read the entire books Wrong and spat out this nonsense over nothing

[hilsonapologist]

the books take great pains to frame farrier and torrinde as foils and irreconcilable opposites that represent the great nature vs nurture debate and only one can win or whatever and thats fine it makes sense within the context of the story but what the text oddly seems to not want to consider is that they might be one and the same. obviously their goal is the same but functionally there is almost no discernible difference between their methods either

tain shir and baru and all the other young girls farrier has tried to mould were just his version of the clarified. torrinde himself wasnt able to obtain his desired subjects thorough "breeding" alone, requiring such extensive conditioning to create the clarified that it was arguably more extreme than farrier's way of doing the same thing via the school system. and they both see this conditioning as static, unmoving once its taken root- unable to fathom that time and experience can change behaviour and cognition.

one major goal of the books in my opinion, and which it does achieve, is to show that neither torrinde or farrier are actually right. this is kinda obvious; they're both raging racists. they both believe in racial hierarchies based on "desirable" and "undesirable" racial traits- and they are indeed always considered racial traits, regardless of whether they attribute the source to the flesh or the mind. it is seen as a flaw of an entire race which can only be removed by removing the culture in which that race lives.

both of them see the family as a weapon of enforcement. like, both torrinde's eugenics and farrier's conditioning can only be successful if the people created by them then go on to partake in strictly dictated "hygienic" family structures and raise their children to emulate the same behaviours as them. even if torrinde is proven right, farrier's schools would still need to exist to begin inducing desirable characteristics that can then be bred down to future generations. even if farrier is right, his method would require a genetic family system to maintain the strength of his conditioning.

the fact that they're both expected to necessarily prove their ideology in a way that is executable on a large scale betrays the fact that this supposed race is just a ruse. maybe torrinde and farrier don't even realise that the real goal is in all likelihood to combine their methods to create a permanent underclass of people for the empire to generate profit from without being too expensive to keep in control- the entire thing is just a veneer for an underlying imperialist plot.

it wouldn't even prove whose hypothesis was correct- neither of them is following the experimental method after all, despite the concept of trial and control groups existing in the world of the story. it would prove simply who was able to enforce their oppressive ideology more successfully and efficiently while hiding or minimising the "failures".

[quill-beetlewing]

I've just re-read the short lived duel that Aeneas and Achilles have in Book 20 of the Iliad and it's actually the most hilarious fucking thing.

So it starts out with Apollo disguising himself as Lycaon, one of Priam's many sons, and telling to have a go at Achilles. Keep in mind that this is post-Patroclus Achilles. Aka: berserk Achilles. Aka: so fucking mad he would fight a literal river Achilles.

Aeneas, who is capable of critical thinking, says he doubts he can actually take him on. He also references a time when he was herding cattle on Mount Ida and Achilles ambushed him, adding that the only reason he survived then was because Zeus gave him enough strength to book it (cracking up the official times that he's been saved by a god from certain death to 3, you go dude!).

However, after a bit of back and forth and a ton of hyping up on Apollo's part, Aeneas decides to try anyway.

Like, what could possibly go wrong?

Achilles notices Aeneas charging at him and he begins to taunt him. It's something among the lines of: "I'm sorry, are you, background trojan character #61, actually gonna try and beat me? And then what? Do you think that Priam will reward you in some way? Maybe making you king after him? Well it's BULLSHIT, because Priam fucked so much that your chances of succeeding him are basically 0. Ahah. Loser."

Now, you'd think that maybe Aeneas got enraged at the comment and attacked him, or maybe he even got scared and backed down, but NOPE. What does Aeneas do?

Well, first of all, he insults Achilles' insults, comparing his bickering to that of a child. Literally, "I heard third graders do better than that." And then he decides to list his and Hector's entire fucking family tree.

You know that part of the Bible that's like "this guy sired this other guy, and this other guy sired yet another guy" and so on? It's basically that.

So after he's done with all that, Aeneas states that while he'd love to have a battle of insults with Achilles, because according to him he's actually very good at insulting people (his words, not mine), they should probably throw hands now. Achilles agrees.

The duel is shortlived and Aeneas gets his ass handed to him. Badly. As expected. And he's about die when ✨️POV shift✨️ we're not on Olympus where Poseidon, Hera and Athena are watching this absolute train wreck go down.

Poseidon, pitying Aeneas, suddenly goes on a rant. It's something among the lines of: "come on guys, look at him, he's just a little guy! He literally has no stakes in this war, he doesn't deserve to die here! He even gives us lots of gifts and sacrifices, he's literally such a nice guy. How can we do this to him!?

...oh and also he's part of some prophecy, Zeus would get mad if he died."

The fact that the way it's worded makes it sound like Aeneas being part of a literal prophecy is an afterthought to him absolutely floors me, Poseidon is literally just attached to a random dude that's fighting on the opposite side to his because he thinks he's nice.

After all that Hera is pretty unimpressed and states that she really doesn't care if our man lives or dies as neither her or Athena have ever saved a Trojan from death, she however adds that Poseidon is free to do whatever he wants.

The literal moment Hera stops talking, Poseidon lunges down from Olympus and onto the battlefield to look for the two combatants. When he does, he saves Aeneas like only he can do.

You know how when Diomedes first tries to kill Aeneas, Aphrodite gently folds her hands around him to shield him? There's none of that here. Poseidon just runs up to him and literally flings the motherfucker.

It literally says that he flies "high in the air". It's like a Looney Toons sketch.

So Aeneas lands and, while he's obviously a bit dazed, Poseidon proceeds to call him a madman and essentially tells him to never do something stupid like that again and just wait until Achilles is dead, then he'll be able to murder Achaeans to his heart's content. Aeneas is fine with that.

Achilles, who just saw his opponent just get yeeted into the fucking sky, just shrugs and goes "welp, guess that guy's off limits, I'm gonna go kill someone else now I guess lol".

This entire scene is pure fucking gold and the fact that I've literally never seen anyone talk about it just breaks my heart.

[hello-summ3r]

reader, who is part of task force 141 is wrongly accused of being a traitor. but for some reason, despite all the torture they endured, they still forgive them.

hi guys :D im still quite new to tumblr and this is my first fic im gonna be starting. i have written before on ao3, wattpad, notes (for practise), a failed unfinished book so hopefully this will go well!

writers block may happen at some point because im kinda planning for it to be a series, if not, just a one-part fic. chances are, i wont have the energy to proof-read so if there are mistakes, please dont mind it :)

i got this idea from @ghostslittlegf . i have reblogged the post that they made that gave me the inspiration. <3

anyways, enough rambling, enjoy! <33

!tw! : t0rture, mentions of g0re, abvse, swearing, foul language, manipulation

part 1

it wasn't you. not your fault.

days pass, and all sense of time was lost for you. you don't know how long you have been bound to this chair for, and the same nauseating scent of old blood and soil was not making it any better.

the task force placed you in a holding cell underground. the entire place was empty; it was just you, and the chilling, hollow echoes of whatever slight movement you bore from the tight knots gnawing at your wrists and ankles. your skin was blistering from the constant friction of the jagged ropes and stinging. fear was eating you alive, consuming more and more of you as each day passed. hell, it felt like an eternity down here.

the task force, the previous week, had encountered a leak in information that meant the entire team was put under danger. they were sure it was someone within the base, as nobody else would just have access to such private information.

one day, you were just in the gym training when a few men took you aside, captain price at their heels. his eyes were dark and you could see levels of anger rising inside him. you were confused, obviously. had you done anything wrong? no, you hadn't. the next thing you knew, you were here. bound and restricted.

but you didn't do anything?

"you will tell us the truth, is that clear?" price spat as he bent down to meet your eye-level. behind him were 3 other people with pistols in their hand, loaded. you couldn't make out their faces as it was dimly lit.

"truth? what do you mean?" you question, utterly confused and a little scared of this situation. your eyes dart around the cell. you've never been down here before, and everything seems so foreign. the walls were slightly cracked, the large bricks uneven in placement. moss grew from the cracks, and the stench of wet soil creeped into your nose. it was cold and damp, and disgusting. these were the holding cells you never wanted to go down into, yet here you were, forced to be in one as a prisoner.

"dont play dumb." price sneered, his face closer to yours. you backed away instinctively, looking away to avoid his gaze.

"i really don't know what you mean..." you reply with some thought whilst slightly shaking your head, trying to make sense of this whole situation. price grabs at the arm-rests of the chair with some force. it startles you but you listen to him carefully.

"we know you betrayed us. that information that got leaked? yeah, well now the entire base is in danger. we're sabotaged, all because one little birdie decided to run their traitor mouths to enemy bases." he says, sing-songingly on the last part.

your eyes widen a little at such an accusation. never would you even think of betraying the task force. they were like family to you, and the accusation sickened you deeply. even the thought was sickening. "what? you're accusing me? but why!? what's your evidence?" you desperately pry for answers. all this was so sudden.

"oh, evidence? there's plenty of evidence, sweetheart." he replies, a sarcastic and irritated chuckle woven into his speech. he stands back up and looks back at the men behind him. he nods and they walk towards you.

"what? price...what are they doing?" you cry, your voice shaking and unstable out of fear. you watch as one walks behind you, the other two standing in front on either side. price walks away, pulling the cell door open and leaving.

"price? price! captain!" you yell, but no-one answers other than your screams that reverberate emptily off the cold, damp stone.

you wake to the sound of your cell door sliding open. it slams forcefully when it reaches the other side, which jolts you back into your senses. you blink away your exhaustion and look up at the dark figure that walks towards you. you try make out their face, and distinguish them as simon.

"simon...is that you?" you weakly mutter. your body was on the edge of breaking from the week-long physical and mental torture you had to endure.

he doesn't say anything and just walks towards you. his demeanor seemed calm and stoic but you knew what was about to happen. you took a deep breath to the best of your ability, your ribs hurting in the process, as you anticipated what he was going to do to you.

"listen, we've been a'this for a week now. you still refuse to tell us the truth. we've been too gentle with you. now, tell us the truth. or else i'll 'ave to resort to more...brutal ways." he stared at you, his gaze of pure rage that he managed to keep controlled.

"i'm innocent...i truly have nothing to say." you mumble, knowing it wasn't going to change anything.

suddenly, you feel the brute force of simon's fist against your cheek. you go limp at the pain of the punch, but you bite back tears.

"tell. me. the. truth." he demands, his voice becoming more stern and loud.

"i really don't have anything...i promise you the evidence against me are forged, and the accusations are false!" you whine, voice breaking.

another punch.

"i forgive you all for this...once you find out i'm truly innocent." you mumble with a sob in your voice, a warm, twitching smile on your face as tears brim in your eyes.

simon's eyes only narrow at you.

"i don't give a shit for whatever trickery you're pulling right now. i want the truth! so spit it out!" he demands again, just below a yell. you look away as you try contain your tears from the pain.

"i wont hesitate you batter you right now. i won't go easy like i did before, just a harsh hit here and there. tell the truth! the truth!" he yells this time, but you stay silent. your lip quivers as you try think of what to say, as you truly had no 'truth' to confess. you're not the traitor, you're innocent.

another hard blow hits your face, then another, and another. the abuse slowly turns into a result of his anger. simon had his denials, but the evidence changed his mind immediately. he was mad, infuriated that you betrayed the entire team, or at least, he thought.

"i'll forgive you, i promise." you choke under your breaking breath, trickles of blood running down from your nose and mouth.

"the truth!" he yells again before delivering another hit.

"i'll forgive you all...no matter what."

[hotluncheddie]

I'm on that autistic Steve shit!!!! (sorry no hc of Eddie.... can only focus on Steve ❤️)..... my favorite favorite favorite autistic Steve hc is that he is so so charming so charismatic so cool but it's entirely an act..... like he learned it from books and movies and watching other people and like his emotional / social intelligence is thru the roof bc of that.... I think I saw it described in a fic once as "he knows exactly what people want to hear"..... and I think he does revel in being a chameleon and doing that but of course it's draining!!! my fav is him letting the mask down in front of Very Important people..... I'm writing a fic rn where when Steve tries to mask around hopper he's like "boy stop that you know you don't have to do that here"..... I get such such terminal Nothing Face after a long day and I like to think Steve does too and he's worried Eddie will find it off-putting the first time he shuts down and still wants to hang out with him..... but Eddie is so so endeared by it and is very gentle with him "you ran out of faces, huh baby? that's alright" .....

2jug2head “you ran out of faces, huh baby? That’s alright.” That honestly melted my heart. I had to curl up in a little ball to deal with that.

It’s !!!!! So !!!!!! Sweet !!!!!!!!!

and omg having Hopper be like that with Steve, letting him know in that blunt, simple Hopper way I'm !!!!!! thats so good !!!! I will love love love to read that fic when u finish it !!!! pls tag me if u post it !!!!

but yeah I really really hc Steve as being super high masking, very capable socially, very able to read people. he's used so much of his life to think about others and be what's best in any possible situation. he always wants to be perfect in his interactions with people, wants to 'win' at it. wants to be the best version of himself for every person that he meets. and he mostly does. he's good at it, he's smart and a lot of people follow the same sort of conversions, expect similar things. he’s been around enough people and been in enough situations to have scripts and reactions to most scenarios. he can recognise patterns well and so he does that, but with people, over and over and over. so much so that he doesn't even think about it now, doesn't really even realise what he doing.

he’s very capable, very good and smart socially, but it's to his detriment. it means no one really knows him. it means he doesn't really know himself.

it's like he's a little perfect puppet and when he's alone it feels like this freak monster comes out; with all these feelings and thoughts and emotions that he doesn't know what to do with, doesn't know if they're normal. and he doesn't know how to tell anyone about it either, how to express it or talk about in the right way.

because he's so so scared of being made fun of, or being alone; of being told off, or being weird. and sometimes it makes him so sad, because he doesn't always know how to stop - he's so quick to respond wth his scripts that he forgets to think about what he really thinks, really feels. and he can't stop.

to unmask, at times, most times, feels herculean - to show someone who you really are? that feels impossible. terrifying. to ask for time to think? to risk saying something wrong? being honest feels deeply unnatural somehow - to be honest about how he feels, what he thinks, what he needs. he just, he's never done that before...

so when he's navigating these people, these relationships he so so cares about. with Robin and Eddie and Dustin and Hopper, even.

this is the slew of feelings he has to wade through when trying to be close to them, to keep them, to do what they ask of him. this is what he has to work through. and sometimes, sometimes they act as if it's so easy. as if it is so easy to say the honest truth when asked 'what's up?' or 'what do you think?' or 'what do you want?'

that's not easy, its never been easy. and it makes him feel like a freak once he realises it should be.

-

yeah idk that got kind of sad, sorry. but like. this is where I imagine him, when you get to the good, lovely, cozy, wonderful parts. I just, I think this is the thing, my lovely wonderful high high high masking Steve - this is what he's going through to get to the good. and its hard.

[cherries-in-wine]

I love ur posts on lolita the book- what are ur thoughts on the movies?

aw tysm anon mwah <3

(Made a few edits because my perspective changed a little)

I don't really like the movies- in fact comparing them to the masterpiece that Vladimir Nabokov wrote feels like an insult. Sometimes art can only exist in a certain medium and when you take it out of that medium it loses its integrity. Lolita is art that can only exist as literature. This is what I used to believe but to be honest even as literature it's being misunderstood a lot so it feels as if no matter what medium lolita exists in, it'll always be interpreted wrong.

It took Vladimir Nabokov 5 years to write lolita because writing from the perspective of a pedophile is tough- it's using the abuser to tell the victim's story but in this case the abuser is our unreliable narrator, he had to make Humbert Humbert charming or at least intriguing in a fucked up way enough that the reader would be compelled to read further (lolita will disturb you but you won't able to put it down) but any competent reader would will be able to figure out that Humbert Humbert is just spewing his delusional bullshit.

It feels as if Vladimir Nabokov predicted the romanticization of Lolita as soon as we started putting girls on the book covers- he intended on lolita being faceless

So much of what makes the book incredible lies in reading in between the lines to figure out what's actual going on. Think of it as Humbert Humbert is forcing his heart shaped rose coloured glasses onto you like "see it's a beautiful tragic love story" and it's your responsibility to take them off to see things as they are, a 12 year old child being abused constantly.

Unreliable narrators in general are hard to portray on screen (it's not impossible ofcourse, gone girl, 500 days of summer and black swan do it really well) but extra difficult in this case because lolita and Dolores are 2 different people entirely. Lolita is the persona, Dolores is the person. Lolita is the nymphet, the seductress that only exists in Humbert's twisted mind, Dolores is the 12 year old child. Humbert sees lolita, he wants you to see lolita, but you need to focus on Dolores.

Lolita 1962 was laughably inaccurate, they made Dolores look like an elegant woman when even Humbert Humbert describes her as a messy tomboy. Lolita 1997 is better I guess, it follows the book a little more accurately. The movie is definitely pretty to look at and I don't have a problem with Dolores being an icon or people taking fashion inspiration from her. In my opinion she is an icon, it isn't fair to reduce a victim's identity to their trauma and abuser. Also she's so funny and is constantly insulting Humbert so mwah love her so much plus I relate to her a lot as I went through similar things. I think some scenes of Humbert Humbert being an unreliable narrator were translated really well, for example this argument-

Humbert gave a short description while the movie is more of lo's point of view, it's all screaming and shouting and absolutely devastating, Dominique Swain did an amazing job.

Both of the actresses were 14 during filming and that's just so unsettling to me. Sure you're using a body double for explicit scenes but isn't that just content for actual pedophiles, the closest thing to CP that's legal?. There are many older actresses that look younger but honestly that scares me more, because now there are no restrictions to the scenes they can film, which usually ends up underage characters in extremely exploitative scenes (think euphoria).

My feelings are sort of all over the place on this, I simply can't reach a satisfying conclusion- I don't think it's impossible to adapt lolita into a good film, black swan is one of my favourite movies ever and nina sayers is as unrealiable as a narrator gets, so it's not impossible to portray Humbert Humbert on screen but it will be difficult. On the other hand I just know that people will find some way to romanticize the movie- no matter how well it's written like in the novel it's so obvious Humbert is a pedophile that he might as well get it tattoed on his head but people still think of it as "aw tragic beautiful love story". But part of me thinks that if they write it kind of like gone girl, you believe nick is the murderer in the first half then amy's scheming is revealed in the second, just like that if lolita is shown in the first half but after dolores runs away her perspective is shown to audience, how she's so miserable and gives an accurate depiction of Humbert Humbert's abuse, maybe showing that horrifying reality of the story will end it's romanticization once and for all.

[leavesfallensparse]

Cigarettes & Wine | M. Healy | 1

'I want a photo of you in my bed, to carry with me when I go out west.'

In which Sadie and Matty have a very brief, very awkward, and very anxious encounter, Sadie gets very flustered but quickly finds herself fitting in with the group of rowdy boys and too many feelings are felt for her teenage brain.

warnings: drug use, implied alcoholism, implied parental neglect, my sweet angel sadie being a sweet angel.

word count: 8.5k

a/n: soo .. hiiii! i am juniper and im begging you guys bear with me i have Never posted on here before. BUUUUTT i am vvvv nervous and excited to be posting this but it's been in the works for tooooo long. begging and screaming to be let out of the word doc its been confined to. so here we are i guess. pls enjoy sadie and matty they are my Children. if the title wasn't hint enough.. this is only part one.

Sadie has had the most stressful morning of her entire life. Her tie is untied around her neck and the only thing she cares to grab hold of is her camera. Her entire life is on that thing, and although she may be merely 14, her camera is her child. She hears her mother huffing at the bottom of the stairs and straightens up to catch a look of herself in the mirror, a mess, as she suspected. Her shirt is buttoned up wrong, her skirt is half tucked into her tights, she has on one Mary Jane and her backpack’s contents are strewn messily across her bedroom floor. With some swear words muttered along the way she is in the car within five minutes and her mum is chewing her out for being late to her first day of Year 10, which she couldn’t really care less for.

“I’ll see you tonight, mum! Love you!” Sadie slams the car door before she can hear her mums reply and heads into the school she’s grown to know quite well. She’s fallen into a friend group with some girls that she thinks will do for her high school endeavours, but Sadie already knows she’s destined for bigger than the small town of Wilmslow. Somebody else who thinks this way is Matty Healy, the boy who’s just gone into Year 11. Sadie has noticed him before, they both tend to frequent the music department, Sadie finds it visually appealing for her photo collection, whereas Matty finds it appealing to the ears, especially his own guitar strumming. Any time their paths cross Sadie bows her head and pretty much runs in the opposite direction, face as red as the wine her mum drinks when the sky gets dark.

As Sadie enters the front of the school she signs in late at the front and heads to her class, putting her camera in her backpack as she approaches her English class. She sighs and opens the door with stuttered apologies for being late, Sadie might be confident and come across as such but that doesn’t mean her 14 year old brain isn’t scared of high school teachers and their strictness. She stumbles to her seat and sits down, accidentally throwing her bag at her feet once she gets out the book the class are in the middle of silently reading. Even though she doesn’t know why the class is reading on the first day she’s thankful for it because it lets her mind wander, her dreams of being a famous photographer is what her mind favours over ‘A Tale Of Two Cities’, Sadie finds Dickens to be boring. She prefers the Brontë sisters.

When lunchtime finally rolls around Sadie is where she can normally be found, the music department. Her camera is lazily slung around her neck, her backpack having been left with her friends in the library. She favours avoiding the gossip for finding inspiration in the usual practice rooms, the ones she hasn’t found inspiration in for a while now. She spent every day before the Summer holidays begging whoever might be looking down on her for something to take a photo of. Somebody else had been wandering the same corridors as Sadie. Everyone in her year talks about Matty Healy, “the boy in the year above with a natural affinity for the guitar he’s always carrying around the school carried a naturally mysterious air.” Sadie can’t think of a single girl in her year who wasn’t utterly obsessed with every move of Matty Healy. Including herself, even if she’s very hesitant to admit it, an admirer from afar per se. She likes to think of him more in the sense of ‘his appearance is inspiring to her camera’.  Sadie was looking down at her feet, frowning at the scuffed shoes she wore for the entirety of Year 9 when she felt a larger figure bump into her. As she looks up and sees Matty with a guitar case in his hand she can’t help the pink tint that rises on her cheeks.

“Oh! Erm, sorry!” Sadie somehow manages to force the words out of her mouth. She seems to have the same shyness about her when talking to Matty that she does when looking her English teacher in the eye. An interesting discovery. She loses herself in overthinking the tone she just took with Matty when she hears him reply to her, something she wasn’t expecting in the slightest.

“Don’t worry, I wasn’t paying attention, my bad.” He meets her eyes and genuinely seems like he couldn’t care less about her mistake, he seems to take more notice of her camera, his head tilts and his eyes squint in the direction of it hanging limply on her neck. She seems to grow more confident in herself when she realises he’s looking at her camera, she knows she’s good at photography, that’s something she could talk about endlessly. Matty lifts a finger and points to said camera. “You any good?”

Her eyes widen slightly at the question, and she clears her throat at the same time her head begins incessantly nodding, she is acting crazy. She then begins to overthink her nodding. Why is she overthinking so much? Maybe she’s just having an off-day. She decides that she nodded like that because she knows she’s a great photographer, why would she not be overconfident about it? Seems normal enough.

“Cool. Can I see any?” This is when Sadie’s heart rate picks up. She doesn’t know why; she doesn’t want to know why. She also does not want to know why he is asking her this. Matty’s question has sent her brain into full blown panic mode, maybe she does want to know why he’d like to see her photos. What could possibly intrigue him about her? The squint tie around her neck? Her incredibly dirty Mary Janes? In her 14-year-old brain she decides he fancies her. She’d come to find out in many, many years that she was, in fact, right.

“If you want? I’m bringing my hard drive tomorrow for my art class, they’re letting me use my photos this year, meet me at the library?” She says this with a coy smile on her face, in her head she is feeling a lot less coy because of the way Matty is smirking at her. What she doesn’t know is that he is looking down at her with a smirk because her face is so red that he thinks there’s something wrong, maybe it was something he’d said? After a beat of silence, he blinks down at her with a nod, and they bid their goodbyes. Once Sadie is sure Matty has turned the corner she lets out a silent squeal before quickly bolting to the school’s library and sitting down at the table her friends are at, she might not view them in any light, but they do love gossip. She takes a moment to catch her breath before turning to her friend sat beside her, “Matty Healy wants to see my photos. I have no idea why.”

Suffice to say Sadie didn’t sleep a wink that night. She sneaked through to her dad’s office to edit photos on the family computer at midnight when she was sure everyone was sleeping and when she was sure the photos were on her hard drive she went back to bed and tried to sleep. Unsuccessfully. She then had to drag herself to school the next morning, early, to meet Matty before classes. She had no energy to even be nervous, the eyebags on her face spoke for themselves. She all but flopped down on the seat next to the boy who held in his laugh at the sight of her. “Don’t laugh! I had to edit some of these photos before you saw them, and my bloody dad wouldn’t get off the computer last night, so I had to do it after he was sleeping! Anyways, wanna see?” When Matty nods with a smile she rifles through her backpack for her hard drive.

After silently looking through her photos for, like, three whole minutes, Matty turns to Sadie with a single nod. “So, I’m in a band. I think they’d love these. How about you come to our next practice and take some photos of us? See if they like what you do?” Sadie is now a mere puddle in her computer chair. She doesn’t speak in fear of her mouth betraying her, what would she even say? She nods for a while; she doesn’t know how long she nods for, but she knows it’s been a while.

“Yup, sounds good. Yeah, cool. Cool. Where do you guys practice?” Sadie doesn’t know what the fuck is coming out of her mouth. She is word vomiting all over Matty’s shoes. She wants to apologise but she isn’t sure she remembers the English language. Why is she so nervous? Oh, probably just because the guy that every single one of her peers fawns over is currently asking her to make him and his bandmates her next subject of inspiration. Her next muse. What even is her life.

“At my house. I’ll write the address down for you, hang on.” Sadie’s mouth has gone dry. Now she’s truly forgotten the English language. This can’t be real, and this certainly can’t be happening to Sadie. Matty Healy is writing down his home address for her to have. Not to even mention his literal famous mum and dad. She reaches her hand under the computer desk and pinches her thigh over her wool tights, it doesn’t hurt but she’s now sure this is actually happening. Sadie takes the paper from Matty and tries to process the date and time he’s reciting at her. They’re interrupted by the morning bell and when Matty holds the library door open for her she waves goodbye, bows her head and speedwalks away from him.

Sadie really tries to focus in her classes that day but it doesn’t work in the slightest, all she can think about is Matty Healy and she curses him for it. She tries to read some romance novel when she gets home but she starts picturing the characters as her and Matty and has to put it down. He has unknowingly taken over her brain, and she resents him for it. Can’t a girl even read in peace?! She took pride in being the only girl in her year who didn’t have a crush on Matty, now she can’t even hold that above his head.

By the time Friday rolls around Sadie is already over school, she never tended to like school, but she already knows that Year 10 is going to be dreadful. The one saving grace might come in the form of a boy in the year above. She leaves school and runs home to get changed before she heads to Matty’s address. She has cherished the crumpled piece of paper that held his address since she got it on Tuesday morning, she taped it to her mirror and that is where it will stay. It isn’t like she hasn’t come home every night from school and studied it, she knows exactly where she’s going.

Her shaky hand knocks on the door of said address about an hour later, she biked over from her house and actually enjoyed the ride, the early September sun was shining on her face and lighting up the bumpy country road she took to get here. Her thoughts are interrupted by a lively woman, quite aggressively, swinging the front door open. Sadie smiles up at her with squint eyes because of the sun attacking them, making the blue of her irises look probably insane. “Um, hi? I’m Sadie, Matty invited me to watch his band practice and take some photos of them.” Sadie lazily points to the camera around her neck with an awkward smile. She is coming across very poorly. But alas the woman opens the door wider.

“Oh! He never mentioned, he doesn’t tend to tell me these things though, typical teenager! I’m Matty’s mum, just call me Denise though, sweetheart. They should be in the garage.” Denise walks Sadie to the garage door where she can hear the loud laughter of teenage boys and obnoxious drumbeats. She smirks slightly and thanks Denise, accepting her offer of a can of coke. Once she takes it she enters the garage, and the laughter dies down. “Sadie’s here, boys, she’s very lovely so I don’t want to hear of any teasing or making fun.”

Sadie looks down at her feet as Denise defends her, even though the boys haven’t yet uttered a word. She hears the garage door close behind her and Matty gestures her over to him. He very casually, like it’s nothing, throws an arm over her shoulder and begins introducing her to the three other boys in his garage. She already knows George from a couple of her classes due to them being in the same year, but she lets Matty speak at her anyways. “So, Sades, this is Adam, he plays guitar and he's in the year above me, basically he’s old. That’s Ross, he does the bass, but I think he just pretends to know what he’s doing. And that’s George, obviously he plays the drums, but he just makes a fucking racket.” Sadie flushes at how casually he gestures, how casually his arm is around her, how casually he swears, and how casually he calls her ‘Sades’. That’s a new one.

“Um, hi, I’m Sadie it’s nice to meet you guys. Matty was singing your guys’ praise on Tuesday morning. Been looking forward to this since.” Sadie’s forearm has suddenly become very itchy, and she busies herself in looking around the garage in an attempt to avoid eye contact with any of the aforementioned boys. She notices a few posters on the exposed walls and a couple of guitar cases strewn across the floor, the last thing she notices is a battered leather couch against the wall, facing all of the boys and their many instruments and poor cable management. Sadie leaves Matty’s side and takes a seat on it, placing her coke on the floor and taking the lens cap off her camera.

The practice is well under way and Sadie’s mind has been racing with thoughts of how she’d shoot the band at an actual show. She finally gains the courage to stand up and has failed to notice Matty’s eyes on her the entire time he’s been singing. None of the other boys seem to notice either, Matty doesn’t even realise what he’s doing. When they finish up the last song they wanted to practice (for probably the tenth time), they start chatting about things they should do differently, and Sadie busies herself by looking at her photos on the couch. She gets caught up in them and doesn’t feel the sofa sink next to her, she looks up and sees George looking over her shoulder. “Any good photos of me?”

Sadie can’t help the pink on her face as she nods and turns her camera to him, showing him the few photos she got of him. She found it difficult to get good angles of George considering the size of the garage they were practising in, him being shoved into the back corner. As George was flicking through photos Sadie couldn’t help but study his face, his brows were slightly furrowed as he fiddled with the buttons on her camera, not knowing how to work it. He smirked at a few photos and his eyes scanned over the rest, when he looked up Sadie was suddenly very interested in the opening of her can of coke. She has no idea why she can’t look at any of the boys without her heart rate picking up and her face going bright pink. Maybe because she thinks they’re actually quite cool and she has no idea why she would possibly be sitting in Matty’s garage with them all. But she is.

The next time she has a run in with the band is a week and a half later when they all spot her in the lunch hall and wildly gesture her over. She had spotted them first and tried to look around to avoid them. She really wishes she knew why her subconscious was forcing her away from the boys. (She’s terrified she’ll embarrass herself. That’s why). She gets herself together and heads over to the table they’re sat at, awkwardly placing her bag at her feet. She murmurs something that could be perceived as a “hi” but honestly it could have been anything. “Have you edited the photos yet? We are highly anticipating them.” Sadie nods her head excitedly, glad that the topic is on her photos, something she actually is passionate about.

“Yeah! Yeah, they’re on a hard drive that you guys can have, I forgot to bring it with me today though. I’ll bring it tomorrow?” Matty nods and falls into conversation with the boys, who also include Sadie, sitting there helpless, unsure if she should get up and go to her friends. She dares to glance in their direction and when she sees them blowing fake kisses because of the curly haired boy she’s sat with she rolls her eyes and turns back around. She reminds herself that they are her surface level friends, they have nothing in common whatsoever, they’re too caught up in gossip. Sadie is too caught up in her camera. They don’t gel.

Sadie manages to fall into a conversation with Ross about English and their mutual enjoyment for the subject, she finds it incredibly random but she’s glad to have something in common with one of the boys. She relished in the conversation not being surface level drama that brought a yawn out of her throat, she also relishes in her slight ranting about her passions actually being listened to. Sadie likes Ross and his listening skills. When the bell rings she finds herself bewildered at the fact she doesn’t want to get up from the table, she’d quite like to stay and timidly laugh at the boys’ jokes and general noisiness. But, alas, she must head to the aforementioned English class, she makes a joke to Ross about how she’d rather go anywhere else. They share a hatred for Sadie’s teacher, him having had her for the previous school year. She finds herself falling into step with George, they’re already five minutes late.

They wave a goodbye to the rest of the boys who all disperse into different classes and walks silently with George. They pass by a few people that make them share glances to each other, grimaces present on their faces. Anytime this happens they both laugh and shove into one another until they reach the fated English hallway and George reaches into his bag and pulls out two sheets of handwritten papers. Sadie’s face basically turns into a question mark. “What? It’s the homework?” Upon seeing Sadie’s heart basically fall to her toes George can’t help but let out a baffled laugh. “Don’t tell me you haven’t done it.”

“Shit, George.”

The colder the weather gets the more Sadie begins to feel like an integral member of the group. She’s the one to tell the boys to shut up when they’re talking too loudly. She’s the one to shove Matty anytime he makes another member of the group the butt of his jokes. She’s also the one to tell him when his singing sounds shit. Sadie has been quite the talk of the town recently because of this, her old friends are spreading all kinds of rumours due to her gradually dropping them in favour of the boys. Although anytime Ross catches wind of these in the school corridors he’s quick to shut it down, whether it be defending her or physically getting involved… at least he's there!

The band are meeting up for their last practice before Christmas Day and Sadie is beside herself with excitement, she hasn’t seen the boys since the school broke off for the holidays on the 17th. She wakes up that morning already excited but when she opens her curtains and sees snow she swears under her breath, she couldn’t possibly drag her bikes weak tyres through the thick snowfall. So, she slides her panda slippers onto her feet and heads downstairs, finding her mum in the kitchen with a cup of tea and a cigarette in hand. “Morning, mum! Would you be able to give me a lift to Matty’s later? I was gonna bike over, but it must’ve snowed pretty hard last night.” When she hears the sigh escape her mum’s mouth and the slight thud of her palm on the counter she knows she’s not getting a lift.

Denise was expecting Sadie, she’d grown to expect the young girl’s presence around the house at any given time. But what Denise wasn’t expecting was to open up the door to Sadie, bike in hand, tears staining her bright red cheeks, and no hat on her head. This just wouldn’t do. “Oh! Sadie, sweetheart, what happened? Come in, out of the cold now, just dump the bike, that’s fine. Why did you bike here?” Sadie tries to speak but her brain seems to think that letting a sob rack her body is the smarter way to go about this.

“Mum wouldn’t give me a lift, said she had more important things to be seeing to. Had no choice.” Denise immediately puts the kettle on and wraps the girl up in a blanket, rubbing her shoulders after forcing her to take a seat at the kitchen island. Sadie can hear the boys upstairs and is glad of Denise calming her down and talking to her before she has to face them. After Denise gives her a telling off for not, at least, putting on a scarf, she turns to Sadie with an eyebrow raised. She just sighs. “She does this all the time. Feel like a nuisance at that house. Always in the way.”

Upon hearing this Denise circles the kitchen island and crowds her into a hug which she can’t help but accept. After a beat of silence occasionally broken up by Sadie’s sniffles, the two part, Denise keeping her at arm’s length. “You shouldn’t feel like a nuisance. Listen, any time you come here I’m delighted, probably because you balance the testosterone levels a bit, but not just that, you’re the kindest young lady I’ve ever gotten to meet, and it’s always a pleasure to have you at the house, you keep my boys in check. Now, if you ever feel like this again, phone my number from your house phone, and I’ll come pick you up, can’t have you biking in the snow anymore.”

Sadie nods her head at Denise’s words, letting out a slightly weepy laugh anytime she makes a dig at the boys. She feels strangely warm inside, despite the subzero temperatures she was just faced with, and she doesn’t know why. She’s never felt safer than when Denise took her hand on the kitchen island. Matty’s house is now her safe space she’s decided. Speak of the devil, Sadie hears a clatter from the stairs behind her and when she turns she sees Matty’s eyes light up. “Sades! You made it! I thought you weren’t gonna come because of this snow, glad to see you though, George is chatting shit about your English teacher again. Something about holiday homework, help me take some juice up?”

Sadie takes the blanket with her and with a smile in Denise’s direction she waddles over to the fridge. She makes sure to finish her tea before grabbing a can of coke. Another thing she likes about the Healy house is the constantly stocked fridge, anytime she needs a drink there seems to be one on hand. Almost akin to Mary Poppins handbag. She takes one of the cans Matty is juggling with a giggle and bids goodbye to Denise before heading up the stairs. Matty entertains this journey by telling her that his dad had taken Louis, his younger brother, out to build a snowman a half hour ago and Sadie laughs at the image of his rosy cheeks and tiny hands grasping at snowflakes. She dotes on Louis, always having wanted a younger sibling, she treats him like her own brother.

When the door to Matty’s bedroom opens she smiles at the sight, three boys strewn across the room in one big, lazy mess. They all seem to perk up at the sight of Sadie, George especially. “Thank fuck you’re here, need help with this homework, my mum told me to have it finished before Christmas. And Ross, miserable bastard, is refusing to help me. Have you done it?” Sadie sets down Adam’s can of coke on the desk, cracking her own open before sitting criss-cross on the floor beside George. She nods at him over the can, and he can’t help but cheer and push it towards her, struggling on the carpet. “You’re so much better than me at English. Read what I have.” She sets down her can and skims over what George has written.

“Oh dear, I’ll help you after practice.” At this the boys all glance at each other and the room falls silent. Did she say something? I mean, they’re here for practice, right? Right. Sadie has just missed it, her treacherous journey to the Healy house took longer than usual, and she left late. “Have you already practiced?” When faced with four nodding boys, Sadie sighs and nods too. “That’s okay, we can just hang out, then.” Matty looks at her with a sympathetic grimace. He overheard more of her conversation with his mum than he originally let on.

Matty decides that changing the subject entirely is the best thing he can do in this situation, he doesn’t want to force her to talk about why she was crying to his mum. “We liked the most recent photos you took, really cool. Think you left some of your ones for art on the hard drive, there was a random shot of some leaf in the middle of Ross’ closeups.” Sadie shakes her head, feeling her eyes roll involuntarily. “I mean it was a good leaf photo, I just don’t think it’s our vibe.” Her head is thrown back in a giggle as she takes another sip of her coke.

“You should consider yourself lucky, getting to see my leaf photos. They are very close to my heart.” All Matty can do at this is scoff, he is now the one rolling his eyes. Sadie’s attention is diverted by a sheet of paper being waved in her face. She turns to George with a slight glare, and he backs into himself a bit. “Fine. What do you not understand? It’s just English.”

“I just don’t get it. English doesn’t make sense, I think you’ve forgotten that I am a well-travelled man, Sadie. I’ve been all over the place.” Sadie fixes the boy with a sigh, a straight-faced sigh. She lets his sentence linger in the air as she readjusts on the bedroom floor. She lays on her front as she reads what George has written. It’s not bad, but it’s also not great. And so, she tells him such.

“I mean, it’s not bad, but it’s not great. You could maybe, I don’t know, sprinkle in an adjective here or there, don’t think that would hurt.” Is all she manages to get out before a pillow is lobbed, quite forcefully, at her head. In retaliation she throws the paper back at George. “Well, you can do it yourself then, can’t you?”

“No, no, no! Sadie I didn’t mean it! My hand slipped!”

As the day turned to night the boys gradually left until it was just Matty and Sadie left sitting on his floor, sharing chips that Denise had cooked for them. Sadie put one in her mouth and glanced out the window, noticing it was snowing again, the sigh that came out of her mouth wasn’t meant to sound quite as pathetic as it did. Matty stopped strumming on his guitar and turned to her with furrowed brows, at the sudden silence she met his eyes. “I can’t bike home in this weather.”

“Why did you even bike here in the first place? And why were you crying?” Sadie shakes her head and breaths out a laugh. How does she even answer this? She could be honest, lay her cards on the table, and tell him all about her mum. Or she could be partially honest and tell him that her mum just doesn’t make time for her. Or she could blatantly lie, she’s on her period or something like that. As she weighs up her options she lets out a barely audible hum and Matty cocks his head at her.

“It’s just my mum. She never makes time for me. Refused to give me a lift and I didn’t want to cancel so I biked here. That’s all, I’m okay now, spending time with you guys makes me okay.” Matty’s head falls to rest on Sadie’s shoulder silently. He doesn’t know what to say to her, so he just starts strumming the guitar again. A smile rests on Sadie’s slightly pink cheeks as she hums along to the song Matty is playing, she doesn’t know it to name, but she definitely knows it. “I didn’t think I’d actually make friends in high school.” Matty doesn’t say anything for a minute, processing Sadie’s words.

“Of course you were gonna make friends. I think you’re too good to just be our friend, frankly I’m shocked you put up with our bullshit.” Another beat of silence falls upon the pair. “Just come here if your mum’s being a pain, we’ll cheer you right up.” Sadie smiles at this and feels tears brimming her eyes, and she doesn’t know why. At the sudden sound of the door opening Matty lifts her head and Sadie rubs at her eyes.

“Right, Sadie, I’ve just tried phoning your house phone three times to no answer, so the spare room is set up for you, let me know when you pair decide to sleep.” Sadie doesn’t hear much of what Denise said after hearing that her house was phoned three times, and nobody answered. What if something had happened to her? She sighs and smiles up at Denise from the floor, thanking her before picking at the loose pieces of carpet on the floor. When the door shuts, the tears flow. Matty has never been more panicked in his entire life, he thinks. How the fuck do you comfort your crying best friend?!

“Hey, hey. Come here.” He wraps an arm around her shoulder and all she can do is sigh. She knows if she speaks it’ll end in even more tears, her voice will refuse to work. She gives in and leans into Matty’s touch, the weather outside is a stark contrast to how she feels under his arm. After a few minutes of her silently crying, she dares a glance up at him and sees him staring at the wall across from him with slightly widened eyes, the sight makes her giggle, breaking him from his trance. He looks down at her and joins in the laughter, not knowing why they’re laughing but glad she’s not crying as hard anymore. Yet his eyes widen again when she stops laughing and opens her mouth.

“I want to know why they don’t care about me. I haven’t done anything.” Matty sighs at this, a sick part of his brain wishes he could relate just so he’d know what to say. He looks down at Sadie who is now lying on his floor, upside down from where he sits. He lays down next to her, top and tail, both teenagers looking up at the ceiling, feeling things too big for them to even comprehend, things they shouldn’t have to feel. “Sorry, I feel like the mood is ruined.”

“What mood? You’ve been off all day, making me feel sad. I wish I could make it better.”

“I wish you could, too.”

Sadie has no desire to celebrate her 15th birthday that following Summer. But she’s been faced with no choice. In George’s words they “had to because you only turn 15 once.” George had turned 15 earlier that year and didn’t seem to share that sentiment on his birthday, all they did was go to Matty’s house after school and sit in his living room for six hours. But he was insistent that the group had to go out for dinner, he’d gotten Denise on his side which ultimately led to Sadie agreeing. Her mother wasn’t best pleased, but she’d grown to not care, and her mothers grown to know she can’t fight her anymore.

She got dressed in rapid speed, desperate to get out of the house and reunite with her best friends. She hadn’t even gotten as much as a card from her parents and that says more to her than any words could have, she isn’t even sure they know her birthday is today. Pulling on her jeans, probably quicker than the speed of light, she grabs her jacket and runs down the stairs, she shouts a bye to anyone who cares and hops on her bike to Matty’s house. They’re all meeting there for some big surprise before they go out to dinner.

The August sun is beaming down on her face, she pauses and squints up at the sky and notices how blue it is, she smiles and looks back down at her bike. She decides that draping her jacket over the handlebars is a better idea, her backpack is half on her back because she was in such a rush. When she bikes the familiar back road she takes note of how the trees have turned from pathetic twigs to bright green scenery, she shuts her eyes for a second and let the Summer air infiltrate her lungs. She is grateful to be alive.

When she biked round the corner at the end of Matty’s road she could see all the boys engaged in a water fight, her urge to turn right back around grows stronger the closer she gets, George’s pathetic screams and Matty’s maniacal laughter grow louder, and she can’t help but laugh to herself. She hears Denise scolding Ross for going too rough and shakes her head as she throws her bike down on the driveway, climbing off and running away from all the boys who immediately turn on her with their water attacks. “Hey!! Stop, it’s my birthday!”

George laughs louder than Sadie had ever heard someone laugh before, probably because the boys weren’t targeting him anymore. She squeals and tries to run into the house, but Adam blocks the door, and she feels more water shooting at the back of her head. She hits his chest and tells him to move at least fifty times, but he doesn’t budge so she runs. She runs round the house to the back garden where she knows Matty keeps the water guns, just as she suspected there’s a pile of them, half-full, on the grass. Sure, they’re the shit ones, but they’ll do the job.

She hears a gasp behind her. “She’s found the pile, run.” She laughs and whips herself around, gun in each hand, to the pathetic squeals of four boys who run back around to the front of the house. There’s a knock on the kitchen window which distracts Sadie for a second, she sees Denise waving wildly at her, she waves back and sees her saying “Happy Birthday!” She laughs and runs round the house to get the boys back.

A half hour later Denise calls out the front door for them to come in. They all race into the house, Matty being shoved by George and Sadie laughing so hard she stops in her tracks. She gets stopped in her tracks even further when she sees the pile of gifts under the TV. She gasps quietly and barely hears everyone wishing her a happy birthday in unison, the tears pricking her eyes are stinging the back of her throat. This is the most anyone’s done for her birthday. George puts an arm round her shoulder and shakes her slightly, then slightly shoves her to the presents. “Save the one with the pink wrapping paper for last.”

Sadie’s bottom lip wobbles and she lets out an exasperated laugh. “Guys, this is too much. I don’t even know what to say.” She moves towards the gifts as if they’re going to jump out and scare her. She sees the three cards on the top and picks them up, sitting down on the floor in front of the TV. The boys, Denise, Tim, and Louis are all scattered across the couches and the floor too, just watching. She opens the one from Denise, Tim, and Louis first and smiles through teary eyes at the kind words written on the page. She has the same reaction to the other two cards, one from all the boys, one from just Matty.

After a while Sadie’s face is wet with tears, she’d laughed at some of the funny gifts, and with her new necklace round her neck she looked at the last gift, the pink one, cautiously. “Is it alive? Am I gonna be scared?” Matty laughs and shakes his head. She lifts it into her lap and looks at the tag, it reads that it’s from the boys. Before she opens it Denise cuts in.

“They all saved up for this on their own. Came up with the idea and everything.” Sadie looks to the group of boys on the other couch who all look very smug, she rolls her eyes at their faces and turns back to the gift. She carefully unwraps it and can’t help the sob that comes out of her mouth. The new Sony camera is sitting in front of her. When she gets hold of herself she opens the box and gasps at the sight of it. “Guys, oh my god. I can’t take this, you’re kidding.”

“Well, none of us know how to use it.” Sadie tackles the four of them into her arms, jumping on top of them all on the couch, muttering a hundred thank yous under her breath. She doesn’t even know how the boys managed to afford it, maybe some of Matty’s odd jobs he was doing helped, or Ross’ job down at the shop. She didn’t know, but she knew she would never forget this. Sadie felt that same feeling again from earlier. She was grateful to be alive.

By the time Matty’s 18th rolls around, the rest of the group have a plan. They’ve all saved up enough money to buy tickets to Leeds festival, and they’ve all chipped in to get one for Matty’s birthday. Sadie wasn’t allowed to go before, but Denise gave in this year and let her tag along with the group. She makes all of the parental decisions for Sadie now, since she pretty much lives at the Healy’s house. Denise’s reasoning was that it would be after her 17th birthday, deeming her old enough to go. Matty, Ross, Adam and Jamie had gone last year but all they had talked about when they came back to Sadie and George was how excited they were to go next year, the full group.

Ross, George and Sadie were currently sat in Matty’s back garden, waiting for Matty and Adam to get home from work. Sadie and Ross were sharing a cigarette and talking about the lineup for Leeds. More like arguing. George was observing with a cigarette of his own, he’d only spared one to the duo because he’s stingy. “No, Sadie. Nine Inch Nails are more exciting than the fucking Smashing Pumpkins. Think of it, you’re in a muddy field what would you rather listen to.”

Sadie looks at him like he’d grown a second head. “The Smashing Pumpkins.” Ross just groans, George laughs loudly. “What?! I would!”

“You’re actually fucked in the head, Sadie. George, please back me up.” He passes the cig back to Sadie who takes it and looks at George with a raised eyebrow. He takes a sip of his coke and looks away from the pair, whistling at the sky. Sadie laughs and passes the cigarette back to Ross. He tells her to finish it, so she does.

“No, to be fair to both of you, I’d rather be at Paramore. If I had to choose.” Sadie and Ross both share a look and collapse into each other laughing.

“Okay, one, Paramore is on Sunday, we’re talking about Friday. And two, they weren’t even in the equation to begin with.” Ross nods at Sadie’s words and George just sticks his middle finger up at the pair, who laugh at him again. They hear the back door opening and turn to see Matty, they shut up about their prior argument quite quickly. The trio share a look and have to hide their laughs.

“Hello boys. And Sadie.” They nod up at Matty who cracks open his coke and pours it over the ice in his glass. He looks at the three that have gone silent and squints his eyes slightly before taking a sip of his coke and lighting a cig. Sadie looks at the other two who are giving her looks as if to say, “Say something.”

She turns back to Matty, who turns to her. “How was work?” George lets out a barely audible groan and she looks at him incredulously. Matty nods around his glass and then kind of shakes his head.

“It was okay, not busy, boring. I like it there, though.”

“Yeah, you’re welcome for getting you that job. I’ve been there for like a year now. Remember when I walked in one day and George was just standing in the kitchen? That was stupid.” George laughs at her and she turns to him. “No, I was so confused.”

“I was working, where did you want me to stand?”

“It would’ve been nice to know you were working at the fucking place?” George shakes his head.

“Wanted to surprise you.”

“Some surprise that is, George!” He, yet again, sticks his middle finger up at her. This time she does it back. Matty scoffs and leans his head back with a sigh, he stretches his arms and one of them comes to rest on the back of the bench behind Sadie.

She points up at the sky, the sun is setting behind the clouds which cast a pink hue down on the group of four. They stay outside until the sun is probably in the middle of the sky in Australia. Adam arrives not long after Matty and Sadie gives him a subtle nod and thumbs up, trying to tell him that they got the Leeds tickets today. He looks confused at first, but he gets it after a minute. When Matty goes inside the four speak in whispers about how they have to tell Matty, because George is unable to keep it a secret. The back door swings open again and the four sit up straight. “Right, you guys are hiding something from me.” Sadie can’t help herself.

“We’re going to Leeds.”

Leeds was a fucking nightmare. Everyone fought. Everyone made up. Then they fought again. They all got so high they probably couldn’t see. Ross and Sadie ended up seeing Nine Inch Nails together after losing everyone else, and despite being in the clouds, Sadie remembered to act like she didn’t want to be there. Until she actually started enjoying herself. And George got to see Paramore. Almost. He passed out and Sadie shouted at him in the medical tent after he just came to because she was missing out, she was forced to take him to the medical tent.

Sadie was sick on some girl’s shoes at the Kings of Leon set. It was her, George and Adam having the time of their lives until some older girl started flirting with George, obviously he was loving it, but Sadie was already having a bad high and when she saw the way that girl was looking at George she just couldn’t help it! It all kicked off when George and the girl teamed up and tried to fight her. George was forced to take her to medical and as she was thrown over his shoulder he was yelling about how she’d ruined the weekend.

Safe to say the drive home was silent. Matty had the biggest hangover behind the wheel and Ross was cradling Sadie in the backseat as if she were his child, George was practically hanging out the window on the other side of Sadie. The one memory she has in the car is when they were all sat on the grass, ages away from any music, when Matty turned to the boys and said, “Reckon we’ll be on one of these stages soon?” The question was ringing through Sadie’s mind.

A few days later the group were all sat in Matty’s garden (like usual) with drinks in hand, reminiscing on the festival after they’d all taken some much needed time away from each other. Anytime Matty’s eyes caught hers she felt her heart stop. She isn’t sure he remembers but the day after they got back Sadie jolted awake with a vision of her kissing Matty. She doesn’t know when or if it actually happened, but it seemed too real to be something she conjured up in the middle of the night. Ever since, she’ll wake up in a cold sweat with visions of Matty’s lips on hers. She remembers it being a life-changing kiss, though, so there’s that at least.     

Sadie makes a point to be the last to leave Matty’s house, she’ll probably end up sleeping here tonight, like usual. It’s a rare sight to see Sadie sleeping in her own bed these days, it probably occurs once a month at most. When Adam shuts the door behind him, Sadie feels her heart fall out of her ass, the silence is less than comfortable. If she can feel the shift in energy surely Matty can. He sits down beside her and turns to her. “Do you remember?”

Sadie feels like she’s died in her seat. Her eyes have practically fallen out onto the dining table. She spins her glass on the table awkwardly, thinking of what to say. What would he say if she lied? Would he pretend it never happened? She decides not to lie, because when his face is as close to hers as it is right now, she thinks she’d like to kiss him again. “Yeah… Do you?”

“Wouldn’t be asking if I didn’t, hmm?” Sadie feels like her 14 year old self, meeting him for the first time. Her face is flushed pink, she’s picking at the tracksuit bottoms on her thighs, and she’s avoiding eye contact. She wishes the ground would eat her alive, because one thing about Sadie is she doesn’t know how to flirt. “Hurt me seeing you kiss that other guy the next day.” As he says this his hand has come up to play with the loose strand of hair that had fallen out of the front of her ponytail. She looks up at him through her eyelashes. Her voice is no louder than a mutter.

“Sorry, didn’t know what I was doing, don’t even think I knew where I was.” Matty laughs softly at this and looks down at his lap, but his eyes catch Sadie’s nervously picking at the loose thread on the seam of her tracksuit. He feels his heart skip a beat as he grabs it. This makes her face him, looking into his eyes. The silence around them is suffocating and Sadie feels like she might pass out on the floor. When he makes the move to shuffle slightly closer, she smirks at his face. She doesn’t know where she grew the confidence but when she mutters, “Just do it.” He breaks the distance.

The butterflies in her stomach feel cliché, the way the kiss picks up in pace feels even more so. His lips on hers feels like coming home to your own bed after you’ve been abroad for a week. It feels like the smell of your own house after being away for a while. She knows that when her hand comes up to the back of his neck that it holds an ulterior motive, this is confirmed by his hand on her hip, guiding her closer. She wants to consume him in this moment. When they break away for a breather, Sadie doesn’t open her eyes, she doesn’t want to face this moment, but when she feels a squeeze on her hip she can’t help but open one eye. Matty laughs and leans his forehead to hers.

“Sleep in my room tonight.” That’s all that Sadie has ever wanted to hear.

The slight fling between Sadie and Matty didn’t really last for very long. The group all moved into a flat together and the flame between them just kind of flickered out. George noticed the change in Sadie’s demeanour ever since. He was the only other person who knew about Matty and Sadie, but because he was the best friend of both he had to be there for both. It was eating him alive. He was laying in Sadie’s bedroom, joint between his lips. They were sharing it.

“He fucks anything with legs. But I can’t move on. What’s with that?” Sadie plucked the joint from George’s mouth, and he rubs his eyes his face with a groan. He watches the smoke leaving Sadie’s lips intensely, staring at the way it clouds up in the air and dissipates into nothingness, this is how Sadie and Matty’s relationship felt. He sits up slightly on the bed with an indignant sigh.

“His way of coping, I suppose. He didn’t exactly get an explanation as to why you stopped sleeping in his room. Now he just needs someone sleeping there to fill that void for him.” It’s Sadie’s turn to sigh now. She knows George is right, but she doesn’t like the answer and she doesn’t want to hear that he’s suffering. He’s being a bitch and he should just come and speak to her. Silence falls over the duo and George stubs out the joint gently before opening his arms for Sadie.

She isn’t feeling very grateful to be alive.

[desire-mona]

siiiigh. todd autism headcanons because im projecting.

(using they/he/she pronouns for todd in this post. will explain but also if u dont agree i dont care, tw for alcoholism. time period is vague but autism hasnt existed as a legitimate medical diagnosis for all that long, so keep it in mind i guess.)

- cannot for the life of him stand welton's blankets. so itchy, just thin enough to not warm you up enough but still make you sweat, not long enough to cover your entire body. yes im making the blanket line in their poem about actual blankets, a boy needs to vent somewhere.

- beyond terrible temperature regulation, ALWAYS just a little too hot which is made worse by her sensory issues when it comes to wet fabric. constant slight agony and it never really goes away. theyre about 5 minutes away from crying about how uncomfortable they are at all times.

- had god awful handwriting until high school, like his teachers could BARELY read his handwriting it was Bad. OOOOOH OH MY GOD THERES A TRAIN GOING BY I CAN HEAR IT HONKING this is a really ironic thing to be pointing out rn but its sooooo worth mentioning. its still honking this is fun. 🚂. anyway. her parents made her spend an entire summer fixing her handwriting bc that was like the One thing her teachers criticised. its Fine now but their motor function simply doesn't deliver in the handwriting department.

- had a VERY INTENSE special interest in aquatic life + marine biology growing up, like read every book about any ocean animal in any library intense. his parents eventually forced him to abandon it because its "not a good career focus" but he still perks up when anyone mentions fish. once talked neils ear off about the biodiversity of coral reefs for roughly 2 hours, neil took her to an aquarium for their first date. rip todd anderson you wouldve loved spongebob squarepants.

- looooves pets, namely cats, but they have Too Sweaty hands all the time so any animal fur sticks onto their hands and just feels. so awful.

- had a brief period in his 20s where he was definitely an alcoholic, started as a social drinker but got too addicted to the feeling of not having to adhere to social conventions quite as hard, especially around other drunk ppl. eventually went sober after they realised they just Cant Stand the feeling of a hangover anymore. autistic ppl r more likely to develop a dependency on alcohol if we do start drinking. just btw.

- gets a Pretty Expansive vocabulary after actually starting to pursue literature. sometimes his family lightly teases him about using big words but it confuses the hell out of him. its just a word she thought would apply best!!

- soooooo obsessed with what other ppls idea of them is, both in an anxious way and out of genuine curiosity. would never ask ppl what they think of her bc she thinks thats 1) very broad 2) seems compliment fish-y and 3) just gonna lead to "i think ur great/ nice/ whatever filler compliment." but the dream is to sit someone (neil) down and just ask him every single question possible about how he perceives him.

- asks a billion clarifying questions about anything someone asks him to do, gets anxious about how many questions he's asking, tries to just figure it out, freaks out about the possibility of getting it wrong, ends up doing the thing perfectly. weekly occurrence.

- never fully grasped the appeal of religion (most definitely grew up catholic or christian or Something) just bc she could NOT let the lack of proof go. ALSO not an atheist bc the vastness of space scares them out of it. religious beliefs r a weird topic for them.

- suppresses a good chunk of his stims in public bc One total time someone looked at him weird while he was chewing on a sweatshirt string and he was like i gotta stop NOW. eventually develops tics and has to mask THOSE in public too. dear god someone let this girl unmask. also i started ticcing while writing that bc my body does this great thing where i only tic when im reminded of the concept of ticcing. its great and totally doesnt make me think im faking them (faking for who? dunno bc it usually happens when im alone)

- DOES in fact stim around neil bc NEIL STIMS TOO!!!!!!!! joyous day when they found THAT out! gets vocal stims of random lines from whatever play neil is practicing for. YEAA ART THOU THEEEEREE was a vocal stim for a solid week and a half which made neil VERY excited (autistic neil. how i love u autistic anderperry)

- velcro is The most evil vile disgusting material to ever grace this mortal realm. he hates it more than anything ever and i mean that fully. the feeling of BOTH sides, the noise, how easily it comes apart, she hates it all.

this is the gender part

never really viewed gender and gender roles as anything to adhere to beyond the fear of punishment if they dont. finds any social convention relating to gender to be Really dumb and meaningless, bc gender isn't (scientifically) real in any capacity, so why treat it like that? for the longest time just shrugged and said "eh, i guess im a boy" bc thats what she was used to being told, and didn't feel particularly drawn to agree OR disagree. eventually realised on a late night that Wait. i dont Actually care what i am. like yeah im a Male i guess but also im just me. my brain doesnt have a gender and i basically am my brain, right? and then never really thought about it again because that's genuinely how little he cares. adhering the most to canon with that mindset, she never really tells anyone (for obvious reasons on top of the overall apathy) and just lets the he/him happen to her but. in my dream world? agender they/he/she todd anderson. and this is MY blog so those are the pronouns im using from now on. i will forever love talking abt how autistic ppl very often view gender differently than allistic ppl, will forever love talking abt how autistic ppl are more likely to be trans. autism!!!

also yes that entire paragraph is just my view of gender, change the pronouns and the todd mentions and its just me. what of it.

[queer-reader-07]

a love letter to trans romance

because i can't be normal about media and i'm making it y'all's problems

hi hello and welcome to my mildly unhinged ramblings about love and gender. this post comes to you in three sections, enjoy <3

--

t4t romance novels made me believe in love again

the first romance book i ever read was The Feeling of Falling in Love by Mason Deaver. TFOFIL is a t4t (trans for trans) romance that follows a teenage trans boy, Neil Kearney, and a figuring-out-their-gender teen, Wyatt Fowler, as they get themselves wrapped up in peak YA romcom shenaniganary and eventually fall in love. cute, right? just a fun little romcom, not much more to it?

yeah well that's what i thought going in, but coming out of that book i was in tears. tears because i'd never read a story about trans love before. tears because at that point in my life i'd never allowed myself to fully claim the word "trans." tears because Wyatt made me feel so seen and so real.

there's this one scene where Wyatt is talking to Neil and they describe themself as being the kind of person who sometimes wants to wear makeup and dresses, but other times they like their body hair and scruffy beard. and i just remember nodding along and then absolutely melting because Neil takes it in stride, he comforts Wyatt and let's them know that they don't need to have it figured out just yet. Neil makes it clear that he's there, and that Wyatt doesn't need to come out to anyone unless they're ready.

Mason Deaver has another t4t romance, Okay, Cupid. and that similarly had me in my feels because there is something so special about finding people who embrace you for all that you are.

every t4t romance I've read has one thing in common, the fact that the love interests do not love each despite the other's transness. their transness is not an obstacle to love or to attraction or to adoration, it is an object of it. their transness is something to be admired and to be loved and to be cared for. it is not something the other has to "get over."

reading The Feeling of Falling in Love was the first time i ever thought to myself "maybe, just maybe, i can call myself trans and still be loved." because up until that point i hadn't let myself accept that i was some flavor of trans. up until that point i'd said "not cis" without ever saying trans because i was so scared my being trans would make me unlovable. t4t romance books showed me how wrong i was. they showed me that my ability to be loved was not dependent on my girlhood.

ha you thought i could write something this long on tumblr and NOT mention good omens? think again bestie

i have held a trans reading of crowley since i read the book and the show only solidified it for me. crowley canonically plays with gender.

he's dressed femme during the crucifixion scene, his modern look is a mix of men's and women's pieces, his hair is a Whole Thing in and of itself. i could go on but i digress.

but it's not just the way he plays with gender that informs my trans reading of him. it's also how his character arc can very easily be read as an allegory for transness.

an angel who falls (a girl who isn't a girl anymore)

a fallen angel turned demon (a girl who is a boy now)

a demon who isn't really a demon anymore (a used to be girl, a thought to be boy, is now nonbinary)

girl = angel and boy = demon is entirely arbitrary in this please don't read into it

now, you may be thinking "A how in god's name does this apply to trans romance?" to which i say, aziraphale falls in love with every version of crowley. aziraphale beams heart eyes at angel!crowley before the beginning and loves crowley as a demon for millennia and is so deeply and unabashedly in love with crowley in his not-quite-demon form of s2.

aziraphale loves all the versions of crowley because crowley's angel or demon-ness (gender) is not the reason aziraphale loves crowley. aziraphale doesn't love crowley because he's a demon or because he used to be an angel, aziraphale loves crowley because it's crowley. crowley in whatever clothes he chooses to where, crowley with whatever hairstyle he's fancying at the moment, crowley as he inhabits the shades of grey just a little more.

to me, that is so easy to read as a trans love story. you could argue it's t4t depending on how you read aziraphale, but to me, it's at the very least a love story between a mostly-demon who gets down to some gender fuckery and an angel who loves him very much.

fuck it let's talk about fanfiction

i don't think i could make this post without mentioning @ineffabildaddy's fic I'm Beginning to See the Light.

i have a complicated relationship with my body. i don't plan to ever medically transition because i don't want to make any permanent changes to my body. but there are days where all i want is to have a flat chest and hips that are flush with the rest of my body but instead i'm stuck with tits and an hourglass figure cis people always seem to focus on.

i don't hate my body, but the idea that anyone could look at it and not just see A Woman is beyond me. i walk through life being perceived as a very feminine woman even on the days that i feel the most androgynous. the idea that a lover could look at my body and still see me for who i am feels like a dream that could never happen.

and IBTSTL slapped me (lovingly) across the face with the message that, actually, i can be loved as my whole self and that there are people out there who don't look at me and see A Woman and those people don't love me any less. IBTSTL made me feel safe in my trans body because it said "you are worthy of love and adoration because your transness is not something to get past it is something to admire. it is something to love."

--

i think the point i'm trying to make here is this: trans love stories are so special to me. they've been so vital in my own journey to love and accept myself. they're the reason i can imagine myself maybe having romantic love in the future.

representation matters, it can quite literally change your life.

[achaotichuman]

Acotar Rant

I think there should be a rule where if you think the scene where Rhysand broke into Feyre's mind in book one and read her lewd thoughts aloud the man she was thinking them about was necessary, hot, or justified.

Then you are not allowed to comment on Tamlin putting Feyre on blast at the High lord's meeting.

"Oh but Rhysand did it to SCARE Tamlin."

He did, mission accomplished, he could have not said anything, he could have NOT MIND-RAPED HER

He could have scared the shit out of Tamlin and Lucien without having to touch Feyre, because he was Amarantha's second and could easily tell on them to his mistress without ever having even touched Feyre. That was the scare part of it.

The part where Tamlin gets scared is when Rhysand threatened to tell Amarantha, when he was breaking into Feyre's mind, Tamlin was closer to murdering him than anything else.

Rhysand read literal deep hidden thoughts in Feyre's mind aloud to the room after breaking and entering into her mind without permission, aka, mind-rape. Tamlin made a slut-shaming comment about Feyre in front of everyone because he was bitter that she had destroyed his Court and gotten hundreds if not thousands of families killed, and caused a refugee crisis.

Rhysand did what he did because he felt like it.

Tamlin did what he did because he felt like it.

At the same time, Feyre had done nothing to Rhysand. Rhysand felt like it, cause he hated Tamlin.

Feyre had destroyed an entire Court over one man. Tamlin felt like it, cause he hated Feyre specifically.

This post is not to say Tamlin was in the right, because he really was not. But Feyre sure as fuck wasn't in any right either.

Rhysand however, mind-raped and read the private thoughts of an innocent girl whom he had previously saved from being raped.

Very interesting as well how Rhysand went from saving Feyre from SA, to being her SAer.

How funny indeed.

So, yeah, if you want to somehow claim Rhysand was ever in the right, then you do not get to talk about Tamlin being in the wrong.

[frutiylaris]

Warhammer 40K and 30K Masterlist (Update)

Hell again, this is an update to the warhammer youtuber masterlist that I previously created, it will focus on adding newer creators that were reviewed and checked. If you are confused, please consult the previous Masterlist post. Updated Scores: MajorKill 0/10 - Harassment, no matter the context or circumstance is not acceptable. I'd say do better but that discord and community he has is vile. A blight upon warhammer creators The Serpents Lodge [Removed] - After recent investigation, brought up with private concern from a blogger here. The lodge has been removed for their behaviour. New Creators added: Chaotic Voices 0/10 - Supporting harassment is frowned upon, no matter the context or circumstance. Live from the black library! 0/10 -I knew Chrono, at least by proxy, and whilst they were fine back then... information has been given to me that I cannot share showing me how horrible of a person they are. I'm sorry that your life is not great, but that is not a shield you can wield agaisnt criticism. Isyander & Koda 7/10 - Whilst there are minor errors here and there, probably one of the better "casual" sources of warhammer podcasts to get into. However, point deducted for giving community memes the time of day. Explaining Warhammer to my girlfriend 3/10 - I'm happy for them, I see them occasionally on the dash and the whole content idea works well for what they want from it, but you aren't a good source due to broad sweeping statements. Keep up the passion, though! Idiotic Synergy 5/10 - A wee bit cringe with the voice acting but good hearted and clearly enjoying himself, but please for the love of god stop with the femboy fulgrim jokes, it's not that funny. DreadAnon 0/10 - Thanks for the tutorial reminding me that Analog, delay and echo exist in Adobe Audition, but associating and spreading misinfo from the 'chudhammer' space is grounds for exilement. Adeptus Ridiculous 0/10 - I am biased against Bricky due to his networking with Vtubers, I despise Vtubers. However, this is judging a channels merits. The bookclub? A step in the right direction, but you've exposed yourself as an idiot for not reading ANY BOOKS. For someone who speaks so confidently and with gusto you sure are not qualfied to speak on anything except surface level stuff. But thats not my primary complaint, it is tertiary. My main complaint is that whenever the word 'female' or equvilant thereof it is nearly always in a sexual context and that rings alarm bells in my head. Also stop demeaning every fucking faction with those incessent perverted memes that wont DIE. I think devaluing the Tau only to sex jokes and gundam, as well as slaneesh, in relation to sex jokes, is terrible and has been a disaster for the wider lorespace and newer fans. Uncritically citing lexicanum, and at least, in one case plagerizing an entire page with only the barest of changes, HOWEVER! That may be a false positive on my end and as such will require further research for now it is [BEING INVESTIGATED] The shilling is also insane for videos, with ads, patreon, with an entire store page, you are giving Valrak a run for his polishing dorn's chainsword money. Unacceptable. Being a 'Lifelong' fan does not equate to you being qualified as you still get things wrong, at worse? Misleading, at best? Just marketing speak. Wolf Lord Rho & Valrak 0/10 - Guy's, I understand you are passionate, but stop the shilling, please. 40K Theories [Remleiz] 6/10 - Focused on speculation and Theories, I have barely anything bad or good to say. He exist, he does what he sets out to do. Arbitor Ian 5/10 - I have nothing bad or good to say about Ian, stop getting into fights would one of them because Ian is not cut out for the internet slap fights- buuuuut it seems he has stopped doing so, so good job. The Pontius 0/10 - No, female custodes are not some blackrock psyop meant to make warhammer woke and gay. The only thing you are doing is getting scared of shadows and believing lies.

GW is a company at the end of the day and I am not sorry that you think women as a whole are not allowed in the hobby. Boohoo, grow up. [Version 1.1 Update] If you have any suggestions, arguments or rebuttals, please comment and explain why to the best of your ability. That is all, thank you for your time.

[josiesullysblog]

Different

~AGED UP Neteyam x Na’vi reader

~Fluff, degradation, a lil smut

~Proofread?-no

~Summary-[Y/n] is known as the weird girl.

~Note-HEY! so sorry for being inactive! I usually post on the weekends, since that's when I have free time, but this entire weekend I won't be home! Posting this till I can post again, but till then I love you all!

***

You never fit in, you were just different. You didn't know why you couldn't fit in, you tried. They all treated you like you were just annoying.

You remember the first time Neteyam and you met. You guys were about twelve and all the kids went traveling the forest.

You had been in the back, stopping and looking at every little thing. The small bugs fascinated you, the way they shined you wanted to learn more about them.

So, your father was able to get a book from the sky people so you would be able to identify everyone you saw. You kept stopping trying to find them, which annoyed everyone else.

“[Y/n]! Keep up,” a boy said rolling his eyes at you. “Sorry!” you smiled running to them, “we're going to leave you behind if you keep this up,” Neteyam watched you. He thought you were pretty but got distracted quickly.

“It's that stupid human book they got her,” a kid from behind you snatched it out of your hands, “hey!” you tried getting it but he was much too tall for you to reach.

He flipped through the pages scoffing, “if you wanna read their books so bad, we should turn you human!” you shook your head as he passed it to another kid.

“Can I please get it back,” they laughed before handing it to Neteyam. He froze as you approached him, “please,” he stepped back and tripped making the book fall into a puddle. “Good one, Neteyan!”

Their laughter filled your ears as you picked the book up. It was ruined, tears blurred your eyesight, “she's going to cry!” you wiped your eyes and looked at them, “no i’m not!”

Neteyam felt guilt eat him up, he didn't mean to ruin the book, “i’m sorry-” he tried coming closer but you brushed him off. “It's whatever.”

He watched you walk away, “we were just kidding,” a kid to his side said, “she obviously cared about that book, you shouldn't have taken it from her.”

The kid laughed, “I wasn't the one to drop it, it was you,” Neteyam pushed him away, “that's because I tripped, I didn't mean it.” Neteyam was getting angry why was this kid being so agitating?

“Why are you defending her, hm?” another kid said, “she your mate or something?” they laughed which was like the icing on the cake. Neteyam’s fist made contact with the boy's face, and everyone around stood in silence as Neteyam beat him up.

“Don’t say shit like that,” for a twelve-year-old, he did well but he had instant regret as he felt his father yank him away, “the hell is wrong with you boy?”

You sat down by your mother as you watched Neteyam be dragged into a tent. You both made eye contact, you hadn't known why he fought neither did he, but he just didn't like how they spoke about you.

“What were you thinking?” Neytiri spoke as Mo’at fixed Neteyam’s busted lip. Neteyam stayed silent he didn't wanna say the truth, “well? Are you gonna answer?” Jake looked at the boy in disbelief, he expected this behavior from anyone but Neteyam.

“Till you speak, all privileges are taken,” Neytiri said before storming out. Lo’ak smiled hard, holding his laugh back watching all the adults leave, “so, why’d you do it?” Neteyam shrugged, “just did.”

Lo’ak looked at him like he grew an extra head, “yeah, you just did it to do it,” the boy eventually let go of the topic.

Dinner time had rolled around and Neteyam fidgeted with his hands, he was waiting to see you to apologize. “Eat,” Neytiri looked at the boy. Neteyam was scared if he ate he’d vomit from nerves.

You walked in holding your father's hand tightly. He probably heard what happened earlier, but Neteyam knew this was the right thing to do.

After everyone had finally eaten, he got up quickly heading toward you, “[Y/n], I just wanted to say sorry about earlier,” he kept his hand down as he felt guilty. “And this is for you.” he gave you a book, the same one that was ruined but it was new.

“Thank you!” you smiled big at him taking the book. Neteyam blushed as he walked away, he definitely was crushing on you.

As you grew up, the weirder you became, but you stopped caring. If someone couldn't love you for you, then you didn't need them. At least that's what you told yourself.

Your interest shifted from bugs once you became an adult. You became aware of your body and the ache between your legs. You waited often till your parents were gone so you could explore yourself.

It felt so good, but you couldn't stop your mind from lurking onto Neteyam. How much better it feel if it were his fingers touching you. How he was the only person who was nice to you, how his eyes always lingered on you.

All these thoughts became too much and often were able to get you off. You hadn't realized that you’d moan his name out, and you certainly didn't realize his eyes burned into you during your little sesh.

There were no other words to say other than that Neteyam was obsessed with you. He didn't want to seem creepy so he’d talk with you often. You’d considered him a close friend but you never knew he’d had dreams about you.

He’d have dreams of having you spread in front of him, begging him to fuck you raw, moaning just for him, so he was excited seeing you moan for him.

“Fuck, just like that teyem,” he wanted so bad to go there and fuck you, but he knew it was the wrong time.

He needed you to be vulnerable, so he’d be able to get to you. His eyes burned at your hand, after he was done with you he knew nothing would be able to get you off beside him, “just wait.”

Neteyam knew for his plan to work, he’d have to get you alone. Which wouldn't be hard, as you were constantly by yourself. He watched as you read another human book as your legs hung into the river, “Hey [Y/n]!”

Your head shot up at his voice, smiling when you noticed who it was, “hi!” your stomach engulfed in butterflies as Neteyam sat next to you. “What are you doing?”

“Just reading!” it was common for Neteyam to speak with you so you always felt happy when he did. You both spoke for a few minutes before the topic of mates came up.

“My mother says I need to hurry and choose someone,” you said sheepishly as Neteyam’s eyes bore into you. “Well, I don't think any man here could handle a woman like you,” Neteyam said as you played with your curls.

“What do you mean by that?” he was always so nice so the change in tone confused you, “I mean no man here could handle such a sexual woman like you, [Y/n].”

Your heart fell, and your sexual attraction had been figured out. You looked away from him as he chuckled, “you think I can’t hear you?” he grabbed your chin forcing you to look back at him.

“I hear the way you moan, and I know no man would be able to give you what you truly want.” his other hand traveled down your body as you gasped, “Neteyam,” he shushed you by kissing you.

His kiss was long and deep which you gladly accepted, “tell me everything you want, pretty girl. How you want me to bend you over and break you like the slut you are.”

His hands traveled down, cupping your heat, “please, please fuck me.” He smiled as he played with your clit, “your gonna be a good slut for me?” you nodded frantically. “Words,” you licked your lips, “yes, please.”

He smiled as his fingers dug into you, causing a moan, “you weren't even doing it right, you see a slut like you could never touch themselves properly,” he gained a fast pace as your eyes began to tear up.

Neteyam smiled, he had you just where he wanted you. If he had you addicted to his touch he knew you’d never leave, he was going to make you a whore. His whore.

You became drunk off his fingers as you became close, “i’m gonna, fuck.” Neteyam’s fingers became fast, “repeat after me, no one can touch youas I do.”

You began crying as he was going so fast, “n-no one can touch-,” you stopped it was becoming too much. Your voice hurt from screaming too much, “continue or i’m stopping,” he slowed down causing the words to shoot out, “no one can touch me as you do, please don't stop!”

Finally, you were his your body and soul, “can I cum?” he smiled, “no,” he sped up, “this is what you wanted.”

He kissed you, “to be fucked silly by me, and it's only my fingers.” you grabbed his hand attempting to slow him down, “cum for me, baby.” you let it go Neteyam kissing you to muffle your sound.

“Absolutely gorgeous,” he watched as your body collapsed to the floor. You tried scooting away to catch your breath but felt a hand grab your ankle, “we're not finished, pretty girl.”

***

HEYYYYYYY! HOPE YOU ENJOYYYYYYY IT😍😍😍😍😍😍!! THIS ISNT PROOFREAD BTWWW🤭🤭🤭

[int3r3st1ng]

HOO

Since the series has brought the PJO books back to life, I was suddenly struck that I needed to get this off my chest.

I read the HOO books years ago, after the PJO books as well, and I liked them. Unfortunately, there were many parts I disliked.

This post will probably infuriate so many people and I will be referencing to future books, but I'm not interested in angering you, I'm more interested in what your opinion is after reading mine.

Don't write hate comments and don't strart hating my opinion just because I don't have the same one as you.

Battle with Gaea:

This was the biggest let down.

The battle with Kronos was gorgeous. It was beautiful with a great build up and so many emotions. I adored that entire battle. It literally lives on an invincible throne in my head.

I had high hopes for the battle with Gaea, after all she is more powerful than Kronos, right? It must be harder to defeat her, right? She has to fall to storm or fire, right?

Wrong!

Piper, don't worry I like her character, has so much dam power in her charm speak that she can put a primordial goddess to sleep. Unfortunately, I explicitly remember the prophecy not even mentioning her.

"To storm or fire, the world must fall"

Then Leo and Jason were fire and storm, but I'm pretty sure that "Stormbringer" is Poseidon's title. I get that Percy isn't always meant to be the hero, but he learnt that lesson. He wasn't the hero in his own book series. He stepped back in the Mark of Athena so Annabeth could be the hero. He knew that he couldn't always be the hero, so why did Rick make his arc be he has to learnt he isn't always the hero?

To be honest, I think that if Rick had written it that Piper didn't lull the goddess to sleep, but the seven all fought together again, that would have been better. Imagine the seven all working together. Imagine Percy and Jason creating a storm together. Imagine Leo ending Gaea in one fiery end.

It is honestly such a shame that nothing can shine on this fight, not when it will always live in the shadow of an undefeatable throne.

Ships:

(Not exactly sorry for what I say)

Percabeth, although cute, is not a perfect ship. They are not the "It" couple and they most certainly not what I would look for in a relationship. I don't want a girlfriend/boyfriend who gives me a nickname that constantly downgrades my intelligence. I don't want a gf/bf who judo flips me onto hard gravel. I most certainly don't want a bf/gf that is scared of me. I don't hate Percabeth, but Percy and Annabeth deserve better. Percy deserves someone that he knows he can talk to about Gabe while Annabeth, even if Percy chose her and gave her love, first needs familial love before romantic love.

Jasper/Jiper, was so bad. Jason got with Piper out of duty and they did break up in the end, but Rick got them to get together in one book. Secondly, Piper is so possessive and obssessive. I don't hate either characters, I just feel that Leo x Jason would have been a much better ship because at least Leo doesn't have fake relationship memories. For Piper, I would give her a girl. First, they would complete the quest then Piper settles down with a girl, like Rick did in Trials of Apollo, which I'm really happy about.

Frazel is cute. I thought the ship was adorable, but once again it felt like Rick was focusing on ships too much. They've known each other for two-three months and are dating by the end of a week. Not how I would plan that. I once again think that them getting through the entire quest would have been much better.

Caleo, in my opinion, is the worst. Leo wanted romantic love to fill the void he felt due to his lack of familial love. Why the hell did Rick think that giving him a love interest was a good idea?! Leo felt like the seventh wheel so Rick should've fixed that by, like, making the other seven want him around. You know, like a family? As for Calypso, I believe she should have either joined the Hunt or she was an asexual lesbian. Either way, I believe she would want to experience the real world before trying a relationship.

Solangelo was, quite frankly, my least favourite. Look, I love Nico and Will. Both are cool characters with so much potential, but it once again felt rushed. It felt wrong that Rick had Nico get over Percy only to get with Will like a week later. Secondly, Will and Nico didn't fit like yin yang. I know you're all thinking "Hey! That's my ship you're sinking!", but you have to admit that Will saying that the loneliness Nico felt at camp was fake. Nico was literally avoided because of his dad. The hell you mean, Will? I believe, Will and Nico shouldn't have gotten together. Nico should have gotten with someone else while Will explored his bi-ness.

Friendships:

There were so many friendship potentials.

Percy and Leo 1. Percy's burn proof-ish 2. Sass 3. Literally both met Calypso so why did Leo hate Percy when he left for the same reason? 4. Should've talked it out and figured it out 5. Bonded over having excellent mothers

Nico and Percy 1. Rick you butchered this entire relationship 2. Percy did trust Nico and had this relationship that essentialy said "The only person who gets to kill Nico is me" and even then Percy wouldn't have killed Nico 3. Took a dam prophecy to save Nico 4. Saved each other's lives 5. Deal with shared trauma 6. Like, cousins? You gave Nico and Jason time, can you please give Percy and Nico some time. They deserve to talk things over and figure things out 7. Percy did what he could for Nico to stay at Camp 8. Percy's response to Nico's accidental trick was completely fair because would you trust the guy who said they would help you but (accidentally, which Percy didn't know) led you to a death trap? 9. Top two most powerful demigods 10. Literally my fav characters (until the Nico fanbase made Nico feel so overrated, still love him though)

Leo and Annabeth 1. Two badass geniuses 2. Two book smart people on a giant boat 3. Both searching for love (Annabeth was hurt by her family and Leo lost his) 4. ADHD madman and ADHD Annabeth "Stay up till 5AM to work" Chase 5. Where was the friendship between the smartypants?

There are more but these are my top 3 platonic relationships that Rick would have explored.

Thanks for reading! You can say your opinion, but no hate comments.

[ravenclawloverofseverussnape]

Lily was a pretty, popular 15 year old, who behaved like all pretty popular 15 year old queen bees. She was fearless, resolute, affectionate to many and admirably sure of herself but also thoughtless, self-centred, lacking in empathy, reactive, quick to deflect blame and expected to be worshipped. In short, she was the golden child. She’d have grown out of her worst qualities and into her best ones, but unfortunately never got the chance. Severus had her on a pedestal despite there being an undertone of classist contempt in all her interactions with him even as children because he had nothing else to measure her up against. And then she was murdered, it was partially his fault, and that pedestal got raised 100 feet higher. He really needed a true ride-or-die friend (or ideally, an adult who wasn’t worthless) and never had one. I don’t know if JKR intended Lily and Severus to read as a ride-or-die friendship that he fucked up by being awful, but that’s not what she put on the page. She put on the page a brittle childhood friendship of convenience that was doomed to fail once Lily found less weird people to hang out with.

I don't know which user sent me this but thank you very much, you inspired me to make this post.

I agree, because the interactions I've seen in the books don't help me much: there are people who think that she didn't see the extent of the Marauders' bullying of Snape, I respect that point of view but I don't agree with it for one thing.

Professor Slughor said she was very intelligent, which i would have let slide, but does she believe everything the other Gryffindors tell her that Severus? Is she so gullible that she believed that James really saved Severus?

Severus tells her that he went to find out what's wrong with Remus, so that everyone can see that the Marauders are not heroes, what does Lily do? She accuses him of being obsessed with them, Lily says that Mulciber put a spell on Mary (a Gryffindor girl who happens to defend her) and when Severus points out that is exactly what the Marauders do to him, she He talks about how: "at least they don't use dark arts" which that simple phrase drives me crazy because for any good friend it wouldn't matter if they used dark arts, I would support them to defend themselves in any way, because Severus didn't use dark arts when he was a student to torture, but rather; in case of defending himself, to occupy him.

I'm going to say something, do you really think she's smart? If she were really smart she would have tried to ask Severus' version, not even a simple: are you okay? did anything happen to you? she didn't even ask that and for me that's a failure.

Lily is the one who blames Severus for the bullying he receives at school, you know with that of "at least they don't use dark arts? If she's so smart, why the hell doesn't she know that there's an entire school that teaches (to a certain extent?) the dark arts, she doesn't empathize with anyone, if she was such a good friend why didn't she get help for Snape? And the only time she "defends" him, she doesn't do it well.

Side note: any spell, be it washing or levitation can do damage depending on how the user uses it, the dark arts must be explored to defend against them, whether they are dark arts or not they do damage anyway.

In Snape's worst memory he only talks to James , I saw an interesting post where she mentions that Lily points out that James changes when she's around, good girl you're on the right track, she takes out her wand but..... doesn't she do magic with Item? If she's so smart, doesn't she know how to do non-verbal spells? and I would let it go that maybe she didn't defend him because she was scared of Sirius and Peter, but isn't she supposed to be popular? she could have called someone or just come in fighting.

Or he could have undone the spell but what did he do? He spoke to James alone, only taking out his wand to show.

Later Severus calls her a mudblood, she coldly replies: I would wash my pants Snivellus which only gives me a hint: Lily knows that Severus is poor, the theory that "Lily doesn't know the extent of Severus' domestic abuse and bullying" no longer applies, this little snippet confirms it for me.

Then we move on to the scene, Snape apologizes to Lily, she argues that he calls people like her mudbloods, why would that be any different, at which point I tear my hair out, because it shows that she is capable of tolerating insults as long as they are not directed at her, because if they are directed at her now it is a problem.

Then she marries James Potter, which (Snape aside) makes him a masochist to me, because who would go out and marry a sex offender? (take note: the worst memory was sexual harassment) James went on to harass her and what do they come up with? becoming parents in the middle of a war.

Then there's the hunt for the Potter family, anyone would think that Lily would have her wand on hand or even James would have it on hand in case Voldemort could find them, but no, that night Lily forgot that she is a witch (here I criticize the writing of this character).

In short: I don't like how superficial she is, her mentality that Gryffindors can do whatever they want because they are good, her lack of understanding of Severus' situations, how manipulable she is that she falls into the absurd, the fact that they want to sell her to me as "Miss Perfect" makes me a little angry.

[yawn-junn]

helloooo~

first of all I love your works, I love everything I read from this page

wanted to ask if I could request a xikers' hyunwoo bf headcanons, i barely see content of him

but only if you can ^^ have a nice day/night and drink lots of water love < 3

ꪆৎ The Feels ‧₊˚

ꪆৎThanks Too: anon, Hyunwoo, Xikers

ꪆৎNote: so so so sorry for this coming out a YEAR after you requested this, since I've been super busy with personal things and really big issues ive been picking whats on top something i can do super quickly, im so sorry it's short if I can think of more I'll come back and fix it.

ꪆৎTaglist:

ꪆৎCW: Kissing : PDA : Jealousy : brief mentions of arguments : public relationship :

ꪆৎDividers: none used

08/4/24

ꪆৎ When you two are in public together, he'll have an arm around you or his hand holding tightly on to yours, so he can scare away any person interested in you.

ꪆৎ He doesn't like kissing infront of people, unless it's a quick peck or a little kiss on the cheek, since he thinks that's a special thing for the two of you, and the two of you only.

ꪆৎ His favorite form of affection, is back hugs. Either you back hugging him or him back hugging you, especially if you're focused on something, and he gets to cuddle up to you from behind.

ꪆৎ He gets more protective than jealous, like...he doesn't want anyone to say or do anything bad to you, or even about you. He wants to keep you in a protective bubble type protective, but not overwhelming if that makes sense.

ꪆৎ Arguments with him get you nowhere, since he naturally is a slightly annoyed person, if you tip him over all he'll do is scream until you apologize first, then he'll realize what he did wrong and all is well again.

ꪆৎ For the fans they knew he was dating someone, they just never know who. Because he's never posted any pictures with you, or been seen in public with you.

ꪆৎ Now if the fans find out who you are, and they send hate towards you, he'll come out with an entire book about how amazing you are and how they need to mind their own business, he won't take anyone's problems or words.

ꪆৎ If you're a girl, and you had you're time of the month Hyunwoo would spoil you with NO end, I mean any kind of snack you're randomly craving you can have it no matter the time of night.

[ajbullet]

My thoughts on episode 3 of PJO: (spoilers)

I so enjoyed doing this for the first two episodes and the response was great, so hey, maybe this will be an entire series thing

-The oracle was amazing. It was a perfect mix of creepy yet humorous with Percy’s perfect voice crack and “you’re a Halloween decoration” line. Having just reread the book, I wouldn’t have remembered that the prophecy came from Gabe so that was a really cool, book-accurate detail I enjoyed.

- The WAY PERCY CHOSE ANNABETH! I freaked out. Cause you know in the book Annabeth is just like “I’m coming” and that’s that. To see Percy go out of his way to CHOOSE her for his quest was so special to me and I loved it (even tho it was for a different reason than I originally thought.)

-Annabeth’s reaction to getting picked was perfect. This is a girl who has waited YEARS for a quest and in no way do I think she was expecting to be picked. Hoping, of course. But Leah’s expression of shock then excitement was perfect

- Grover talking to the horses

-Percy picking Grover

-“I’m going to back the best snacks” The snacks in question being tin cans

-Bro give Thalia a break Percy, wth 😭. He came at her so hard for someone he hasn’t even met. Which was hilarious and so Percy-like, but dang. I thought Annabeth was gonna kill him right then and there.

-“She met a Pinecone’s fate” Like this boy…🤭

-I loved watching Leah’s expressions the whole time the three of them were traveling to the bus terminal. I will never get over how subtle she is able to make her thoughts appear on her face. Like you could clearly tell she was taking everything in for the first time in 5 years, while still trying to remain calm and seem in control in front of the other two

-THE BICKERING OMGS. I wasn’t ready for the arguing, but it fits so well. It MADE SENSE. Like none of these kids know just how much they can trust each other and their all scared and they don’t really know what they are doing so of course they are going to fight and argue and take out their emotions on each other.

-Grover’s consensus song was perfect. I had no idea why he was clapping at first and when he started to sing I was scared because it had potential to be really cringy but I honestly think it fit his vibe and was cute.

-ok, so for the scene with Annabeth in the store, I loved of course cause it was my girl and I originally watched it as a kid with a lot of money placed in front of infinite candy and she couldn’t just pick ONE so she got them all and it was adorable. But I’ve also seen posts talking about her trying to read the wrapper and since she’s dyslexic she couldn’t tell what flavor was what so she got all of them, which would also make sense and is a perfect subtle detail. Now I just saw one post that said she was trying to pick the perfect candy to make Grover and Percy LIKE HER and that just about broke my heart. Feel free to comment or reboot with your opinions because I’ve loved seeing all these different takes on that scene. All I know is it was awesome and the contrast between a girl picking candy and immediately sensing something is wrong and putting up her guard was a perfect way of showing how life is for demigods

-The invisibility cap!!!!

-“We’re lost in the woods, somewhere in New Jersey and we’re never gonna make to LA” was all I could think about

- again the BICKERING. Annabeth calling Percy out. Her asking what he’s afraid of. Grover trying so hard to keep the peace. (As a middle sibling, I felt that in my soul). “He was my protector first!” Loved that. Just the whole conversation was so interesting

I’m gonna make a part two because I have so many more thoughts on Medusa and her story and I’m hungry so I’m gonna go eat.

Part two:

[babyjakes]

stay all night. [blurb.]

〈 disclaimer: this blog posts content not suitable for individuals under the age of 18. minors are strictly prohibited from viewing, sharing, or interacting with this blog. for more information on this blog's commitment to protecting minors, read our full statement here. 〉

event | june '23 ari-themed blurb night

summary | ari knows exactly why you're anxious to fall asleep.

pairing | daddy!ari levinson x little!reader

warnings | sfw regression (daddy!ari and little!reader), reader's been having nightmares (non-descriptive), just very fluffy!sweet!comforting!!!

word count | 555

requested by @brandycranby | ari + “are you afraid to fall asleep because you think you’re gonna have a nightmare?” 🥺

an | ohh aww i love this prompt so much so much and with daddy!ari???? he's so soft the softest the sweetest i just know he would handle this so well <33 i hope you enjoy bby!! thanks for the brilliant suggestion!!

"Maybe one more story, Daddy?" Your eyes are wide as you blink up at Ari hopefully. The large man is snuggled up beside you on top of your comforter, though you're already tucked nice and snuggly into bed.

Ari frowns as he looks at the pile of books between the two of you before glancing over at you directly. His gentle gaze settles on your face as his expression softens. As your daddy, he's attentive... and all-knowing. He can sense your nervousness before even a hint of it becomes physically apparent. "Sweetheart," his voice is low and concerned as he reaches out and brushes your hair back from your face. "We've practically emptied out your entire bookshelf. Aren't you getting sleepy, honey?"

Your eyes fall to your hands as they sit in your lap. You shake your head, but you're not fooling your daddy. He's the kind of man who can see through any lie, especially one that falls from your sweet, honest lips. "Look at you, bubba," the man coos softly as he strokes your hair, smiling gently as you lean a bit against his hand. "My sleepy angel," he hums, "you look pretty tuckered out to me, baby. Why don't we call it a night, hmm? We can always read more books tomorrow."

"But Daddy..." you whimper, your voice trailing off as your bottom lip puffs out unintentionally.

Ari looks at you tenderly, his brow raised in concern as he asks softly, "What is it, sweetie? Can you tell Daddy what's wrong?" You can only manage to pout more at his question, your little shoulders slouching as he smiles knowingly. "Come here, my angel," he sighs as he pulls you over to sit on his lap. "Now what's all this about, hmm?" he asks, cupping your chin to bring your gaze up to meet his. "What's got my pretty girl scared to go to sleep? Are you worried you'll have another nightmare, baby?"

A thin layer of tears builds in your eyes as you feel your cheeks heating up. You nod shamefully, sniffling as your eyes try to avoid his. Ari's brow furrows worriedly as he gently wipes a stray tear from your cheek, murmuring, "Hey sweetheart, hey. It's okay. There's no need to cry," he reassures you as he plants a kiss on your nose. "I know your nightmares have been so scary lately, honey; I know. Here, how about Daddy sleeps in here with you tonight, hmm? Would that help you feel safer?"

Wiping your eyes with the back of your hand, you nod hopefully as Ari smiles gently at you. "Of course, baby. I'll hold you all night long; how does that sound? That way, if any bad dreams come, I'll be right here to make it all better."

"Yes please, Daddy," you agree as he plants a few more kisses on your nose and cheeks. Carefully, he helps you move your stacks of picture books over to your nightstand before snuggling up with you under the covers. "Stay all night?" you ask softly to make sure as he reaches over, switching off the lamp before pulling you securely into his arms.

"All night, sweet girl," he promises, sealed with another kiss on your forehead. "Just relax and close your eyes, sweetheart. Daddy's here; Daddy'll keep the bad dreams away."