#so perhaps this is my way of self therapy lol

[impactrueno]

every time i hear “ghosting” again im going to think of this and imagine your unmade animatic and cry

tfw u dont need poltergeists for sidekicks

[rebellionmoon]

hello I'd love to hear your thoughts about Illumi's suicidal tendencies... the way he was so eager to sacrifice himself during the whole Killua-gets-Alluka-to-heal-Gon thing really broke my heart :(( our assassin boi needs therapy and cuddles

Hi! Thank you so much for this ask! I always love discussing Illumi :)

I agree, Illumi was very eager to sacrifice himself to save Killua and the rest of his family. Despite not being aware of Nanika's rule exemptions for Killua and how Killua's wishes are risk free, Illumi believed this was a dangerous high risk situation and that casualties (in the thousands) would be inevitable. I also believe he fears what he can't control and, in his mind, thought only he could mitigate the consequences of Killua's wish, with the intention to save him, a selfess and heroic act becomes entangled with a selfish and manipulative one. It shows how his love for his family is very twisted and chilling. Here's why:

Illumi believes you sacrifice for those you love.

In a family where self preservation is everything and instilled in all members, Illumi disregarded that and was ready, without hesitation, to offer himself up as a sacrificial lamb in order for Killua to make his wish and heal Gon. He WAS going to lay down his life for his brother, (and technically for others, but family is his one and only priority) and in his mind giving his life would be the greatest and most ultimate act of love. (the parentification of Illumi Zoldyck is so strong! How dare his parents do that to him...) But also the act of sacrificing oneself to save the world is a quality belonging to a hero. (Born to be a hero, forced to be a villain lol) In that moment, he no longer mattered, his self preservation wasn't important, but a part of him would still be preserved in Killua, whom he has a strong attachment to.

Illumi believes you still love someone even after they're gone.

Illumi stated that because of his sacrifice he would 'live on in Killua's heart' but also 'Killua would suffer for the rest of his life' because of it. Killua would forever be haunted by Illumi's death. Perhaps for Illumi, to have someone be haunted by him is the same as being loved by him forever. And to haunt someone forever is the same as to love them forever. He's a manipulator, but he's also a protector (the juxtaposition is insane!) He does not fear death because he'll live on in the memories and hearts of those he loves (Illumi is such a complex character, because he's at once displaying the qualities of a hero to save and protect, but it's just so incredibly selfish, twisted, and messed up.) Love and fear are one and the same. I very much think, if this is his reasoning, how he percieves love heavily stems from how his parents treated him (and abused him) throughout his life since infancy. This boy grew up brainwashed, suffered immense trauma that was repetitve, unpredictable, and heinous. His life was a game of survival and he had to find a way for him to live, and perhaps he found that way through his brothers.

He's been through alot and because of them he can still smile.

(I know this is from Hisoka's mental toybox, but I just think it's so cute!!!❤️)

I feel like he would remind people that he could have ended up alot worse (lies, he's already there O_O) and he'll tell them so they appreciate it and not push his buttons lol He needs therapy, cuddles, and so much love that isn't conditional (there was no unconditional love in the zoldyck household, which is why sacrificing himself is his ultimate act of love BECAUSE for him to get love he had to earn it from his parents. What could he do to recieve love and approval and praise and everything that felt good in an otherwise awful life? Behaviors that all enabled him to receive love became reinforced and are now ingrained within him. His love langauge is probably acts of service (ngl he's hungry for all the love languages) But him throwing away his life for Killua was him also saying 'this is how much I love you and how much I will always love you. Forever. My love for you is forever.'

I am in tears, I am in shambles, I am heartbroken! Illumi needs to be spoiled! ❤️

[beidak-art]

Hellow :3 Do you plan to release any story with Koschei? [or other characters, but he's the hottest imo] Or perpaps it's just your interpretation of immortal wizard omni-present in Slavic fairytales and you don't think you can add a lot of new lore? Tbh I'm very hungry for something very-lore dense, like a comic, story, animation and so on :3 He's so awesome that he deserves at least a 2h animated movie or a thick book. [Or perhaps u released already sth like this and I missed it? lol]

Thanks for asking! My characters and their stories are my passion project so I don't work on them in some planned way. First of all, they are mainly to serve and help me myself, they are my self-therapy of some kind. Secondly bc of my job I simply do not have time to put these stories into big comics/other big projects and draw them regularly. Maybe someday I will be able to do something big about one of them, but when? I have no idea. Especially with Kosch, he is... he is very difficult to put in something finite.

[maxdibert]

Re: the ask about Lily being Snape's "attachment figure" and him confusing that for love. Based on the people you work with experiencing similar... how well can people manage to move beyond that with the correct support/therapy/environment/other interventions, and form healthier relationships and have a better quality of life? Like, best case scenario

I'm imagining Sev leaves Hogwarts and Spinner's End, gets some peace and quiet and maybe some therapy(?) - although Sev doesn't seem the type to me to naturally step away from an unhealthy place or engage with any sort of treatment, at least at first, and in any case the wizarding world has a very "get over it" attitude and like 0 awareness of mental health lol (and his next big problem if he survived ofc would probably be being mobbed by fans and haters alike, and Rita Skeeter turning up in his floorboards to write a colourful biography).

BUT in an ideal world, how (and how well) could he perhaps move on from being overly attached to Lily and her memory, and form new, healthier relationships and prioritise himself?

And only if you care to write about it because i know this has gotten long, but how about on the flip side of if he survived, his purpose fulfilled (Harry lived and is safe; his debt to Lily repaid) - and he received no support or new friends/community, how would he cope? Without that goal/focus? Without the structure of Hogwarts? With the tumult of the end of the war, more attention, but no purpose, and probably no job teaching? I've seen a few fics where he turns to drink but I can't really see it myself, and would love to hear your thoughts!! Love seeing that you've posted 💕

It depends on whether it's driven by mere emotional deprivation or part of a clinical diagnosis. For example, having attachment figures is quite common in people with bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder—most of them experience it regularly. It's also the case for those of us who suffer from anxiety or have an anxious attachment style; we tend to have attachment figures as well, but that’s more of a clinical issue.

From what I've learned and what people who work directly to improve people's daily lives (I'm in the legal field, after all) like psychologists or social caregivers have told me, it all depends on the case, the severity, and the person themselves. Generally, younger people have more success with recovery than those in middle age, which makes sense because the younger you are, the more adaptable you are and the easier it is to develop tools and ways to self-manage. The older you get, the harder it becomes, because these behaviors have been established over many years, and it's quite difficult to change them. But for younger people, especially teenagers and those under 30, the prognosis is generally good, especially if the person is intervened, receives good therapy, and is properly supported. BUT ABOVE ALL ELSE, if that person wants it, because no matter how many resources you give someone, if they don't want to make use of them, there's nothing you can do. One of the first things you learn when you work in social services and community work, lolololololol.

Now, it's a bit like what you said. I can't imagine Severus just leaving Spinner's End like that because, personally, I think he never left because it was a self-imposed prison for him when he wasn't at Hogwarts. His penance as a professor was something Dumbledore had given him, but when he wasn't teaching, he had another penance: going back to that house, which was tied to his childhood and all the bad memories. So, I find it hard to picture him leaving easily... but, well, let's pretend we live in La-La Land. If a 21-year-old Severus hadn't gotten stuck in that spiral of suffering and guilt, selling his soul to Dumbledore after already selling it to Voldemort (those daddy issues, my dear Sev, I love you but it's true), and if he'd managed to find some rehabilitation, I think he'd have had a decent prognosis. Being so young, with good therapists and professionals? Sure. Especially because good therapy also involves learning to relate socially and emotionally in a healthy way, but we’re talking about very modern therapy concepts, not the 80s where they just handed out Prozac and antipsychotics for everything, lololol. I don’t think Severus was a lost cause back then. I think circumstances made him a lost cause. And yes, I believe he could have learned to relate to others (maybe not perfectly because, socially awkward to the max), maybe even have friends, and potentially even a partner. Absolutely. But not in the 80s and not in the wizarding world where mental health issues seem less important than in medieval times.

Regarding the AU where Severus survives, that's something I really like and read a lot of (I even wrote an SSxReader with that premise). I honestly think that if he had survived after completing his mission—settling his debt to Lily by ensuring Harry survived, making sure Voldemort was dead, and achieving his goals—he would have fallen into a severe depression. That’s how I portray him, essentially as someone very depressed who doesn't know what to do with a life he never asked for, because he always thought he’d die in the war or be killed at some point, so he never had a plan for survival. And also someone deeply ashamed for Harry knowing everything about his past (imagine surviving knowing Harry Potter knows EVERYTHING about your past—just thinking about it would blow your mind) and at the same time knowing that to some, he’s a hero, to others, he’s a jerk, and to some, he’s a traitor, but the thing is, he’s never indifferent to anyone, and he just wants to be left alone. Without being a professor because he’s always hated kids, but not really knowing what else to do because, well, that's the only thing he's ever done. In general, he’s someone who doesn’t know what to do with his life because he’s never had one, so he doesn’t know how to handle it. That’s my general vision.

[fallenfaiiry]

I'm just curious is there anything that you have in common with alice liddell to make you the "irl alice liddell" other than looking like her? I see it appearance wise but I was just wandering if you actually relate to her as a person/character...

Yes!! A big reason why she means so much to me is because I have so much in common with her & I've felt such a deep connection to her character ever since I played the first Alice game.

Trigger warning! some of our similarities include very sensitive topics 💜

we both were sent away to Asylums

we both were abused / mistreated at the Asylums

I also had a toy rabbit that i loved dearly but was taken away from me when we were thrown out of our home (along with a lot of my other childhood belongings)

we both have a sister named Lizzie

we both have been manipulated and made to believe we were insane by people we trusted. for her it was Bumby and for me it was my own mother, sadly.

we both have experienced psychosis or hallucinations

we both have been given medication / treatment against our will

we both have self-harmed

we both have experienced extreme grief and survivor's guilt as a result of a loved one dying while we somehow did not.

we both have PTSD & are haunted by our trauma/past.

both of us have memories that are so painful that our brain actually forgot about them. like alice i did recover my memories but i went through dissociative amnesia for years.

we both are fond of animals

we both had a sibling who was r*ped (except in my case the person who did it also r*ped me too)

we both have used opium as a vice (except my form of it was modern day heroin)

though i never actually received shock therapy I was almost forced to undergo it because i had lost my rights to refuse treatment by being deemed "incapable of making my own medical decisions" and was scheduled for ECT treatments against my will. I was so terrified by what the patients looked like who were coming back from ECT (scabs on there upper forehead, some of them who became my friends couldn't even remember who i was, one woman had forgotten what her own daughter looked like!) and because i was so scared i ended up climbing the fence to escape the hospital while we were outside for "yard time". i am still so grateful that i made the decision to escape and i succeeded. even though i have bipolar disorder, i was only 19 and was way too young for ECT. and i later found out that many patients had been mistreated and medically abused at that same hospital. some of them had even died under "mysterious circumstances" i also had other horrific things happen to me there.

shout out to McClean Hospital! also/formerly known as Somerville Asylum and Charlestown Asylum!! if you know anyone who has attended this hospital then they most likely have some horror stories to tell.

but yeah i'm sure i have a lot more similarities with alice. these are just the things i could remember off the top of my head. her character means the world to me. hence why alice: madness returns is my ultimate comfort game. i also truly love the aesthetics in the game itself. i love bugs, rabbits, cats, strange creatures, fantastical things, the victorian era in general. so so much of what is displayed in the game is directly similar to my personal interests or IS one of my interests lol. i could go on and on about my love for the game and my love for alice but i think this post is already quite long so perhaps i should end it here😊

[autumnapricot]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers! Spread the self-love 💞 because I love your fics <333

ohh, thank you 🥰🫶🏼

(warning: major yapping incoming. no seriously.)

[1] will o‘ the wisps

quite obviously, lol! this story just has a special place in my heart, for the fact that i‘ve had the ground idea for so long, all the details that went into it that for most part probably even went unnoticed to the readers but were so important for me personally, the planning of things, the way i had like a list of the details and easter eggs and everything. also, the name (not to toot my own horn) but i truly had the biggest *oooohhh!!!* moment when i found this title for the story and it just fit so so perfectly. the vibe when i wrote it. yeah, just a lot of love. also it‘s my most „hit“ fic i‘ve ever written and wow, i would have never ever imagined to get this reaction to my writing, ever. like i saw the fics from other brilliant amazing writers in the fandom that‘d get 1-3k kudos and i was like what the hell, that‘s crazy much. and then wotw hit +1k kudos and i was (still am) mindblown by that because imagine 1k people irl telling you they love what you wrote? insane. and all your guys comments and asks and i‘ve gotten some of the greatest comments eeeveron this fic, like, just wow. i write for myself because i just have these ideas and words and stories in my head that i need to get out and one day decided to upload because i thought maybe a few people would perhaps like it, have a little joy with it, but of course validation is always amazing and nice, so this reception is mindblowing for me. also i now kind of wish i could rewrite some parts of the story, do some plots more or different or just write differently, but i always hate kinda hate my fics after a while and think i could have done better. but still, so much love for this fic <3

[2] friday night; i‘m in love

just for the vibe of this fic, it‘s my second fave :)) i remember i had such a good time writing this—it was the first time i went to a park to write and i stayed in that park for hours and just…wrote. this fic. and the song makes up the whole vibe of that time of that summer when i wrote this, so. just vibey. reminds me of good times but also somehow bad times. i got a comment that said „so this is what loneliness feels like“ and for someone reason that has stuck with me a hell of a lot.

[3] shores of forgiveness

this is not f1 but motogp, which is a rather little fandom on ao3 and at times idk what possessed me to write this, but, for some reason i do like it? idek. i don‘t even ‚ship‘ rosquez because oh my god, what a fucking mess that „relationship“ or well, that whole..thing..is. but that‘s somehow exactly what i love about them because fuck me that shit hurts and i lived through the split of worlds!! 2015 sepang. the press conference before? marc’s face? i wanna crumple like a leaf in the wind and to be carried away by them so fast that not even any fleeting emotions would ever graze me again. the coldness of 2016. 2018 argentina?? bro what a time to be alive (not!!). you need to know the whole rosquez lore to understand because my god. it hurts too good. literally as of this week’s events…imagine your childhood idol and absolute hero and later friend and now arch-nemesis still going on podcasts t.e.n. years later and still shit-talking you into the ground about how you’re the worst person to have ever lived and the worst thing to happen to this sport and entire nations hate you and and and!! well, ANYWAY, back to it: i don‘t remember the whole thing anymore actually. but still third! byee (fun fact: i have a rosquez playlist that literally consists of songs to scream in the car in anger and heartbreak, and it‘s my kinda therapy oops. as you can see, i am very invested in them still)

[4] but if it ain‘t you (it‘s a lie)

idk. sometimes i forget about this fic oops. but i do like it, i like me some soft besotted absolutely gone in-love alpha charles and cutie-patootie omega max. i don‘t even like the smut of this. actually why am putting this on fourth?🤣 buuttt i also remember the car rides where i listened to the song and then just randomly sat down, wrote this in one sitting, done. i think i wrote this at work even. well well well

[5] now, i am become death

listen. liiisten. i don‘t even remember writing this whole thing. literally two weeks ago i randomly looked through my works, saw this, halted, and was like—who wrote this? me?? when, where??? when did these words ever spook my mind? i reread it and yk what, it‘s fifth. no clue what‘s going on but hey. swords and blood!

anyway waaay too many thoughts, i’m so sorry, thank you! 🩵🤍

[punch-love]

Re: Peter's "emo anger",

I hope it didnt come off as trivializing to call it emo!!! I just meant that it's the type of anger that is behind my favorite pop-punk & screamo songs and feels like a staple of the genre to me. It was definitely a projection on my part; I'm sure people could still call it punk anger, it just depends on what songs they're listening to lol.

I relate a lot to Peter's struggle to feel "powerful", which to me reads as if he's got his wires majorly crossed between power, autonomy, harm, and retribution. I screenshotted a line where civilian Peter thinks: "Wade has no idea of his capacity to bite back." Whether Aunt May's distaste for his self expression or perhaps pushback he's experienced around being trans, Peter has felt backed up into a corner when it comes to his autonomy, and as Spiderman he reclaims it through wielding his body as a weapon. But it's not a healthy type of empowerment, it's more of a form of self harm. A constant power struggle between himself, if you will. That's my take on it anyways. And obviously Wade really challenges this part of him that "needs" to feel powerful to feel in control, and it's lead to many crises around why he "needs" that to begin with (ex: when he abandons the suit and pendulums in the opposite direction, where he becomes listless and suicidal)

Not sure if this is TMI but seeing these facets of Peter being explored in LP has gotten me thinking about my similarly wire-crossed relationship to power/autonomy/etc. I've really been getting my money's worth out of my therapy sessions recently LOL it's inspired a lot of important introspection. So I'm really thankful for your characterization of Peter

Peter's struggle to feel "powerful" through being in control is one of - if not the most - personally inspired aspects of his character to me. It's something I have always struggled with as a person. I've found writing it in such an honest and unflattering way has been a very vulnerable experience.

It means a lot to me that it's an aspect of him that you not only relate to, but also felt inspired by to work through. I think as a writer my personal goal is always to write characters that people can see themselves through a third perspective - messy, imperfect, selfish, and earnest. It's hard to have sympathy toward the complications of ourselves, but it's very easy to forgive and understand flawed character.

"He's got his wires majorly crossed between power, autonomy, harm, and retribution." <- you really understand the character. Peter's life has been one of never actually being able to be seen as powerful enough to not be harmed by others. I think he feels like if he figures out a way to be perceived as untouchable, then nothing will touch him. Peter absolutely uses Spider-Man as a form of self-harm (and also a drug) to numb him from the fact that he still feels powerless. Wade triggers that aspect of him near-constantly, and is unapologetic about exploiting it as a weakness. I feel really satisfied that you understand what I am doing with that aspect of Peter on such an intimate and personal level. I feel like I really accomplished what I wanted to do in writing him by just having (1) person so aptly point out that aspect of his character.

I don't think it's TMI at all when people tell me how they've projected or understood themselves through my writing. It's again, truly the heartbeat behind why I write the way I write. I don't want to put morals in my work, so much as empathic mirrors. I want people to have more understanding toward the inherent complication of our own imperfections. It really, deeply touches me that my work did that for you. I love that you've been working it out in therapy, and I hope you continue figuring out how to untangle that crossover of autonomy/power/control wires in you. I'm proud of you for doing that work, and thank you so much for telling me.

[sidebaxolotl]

Do you know of any good resources for dealing with gender dysphoria from a side B or Y Christian angle (i.e., not affirming sin or encouraging transition?) It's not huge in my life but sometimes it comes up and I wish I had more advice for dealing with it. A lot of the stuff I find is unhelpful because it's just plainly restating the rules with how Christianity doesn't condone gender ideology with no practical advice, is in that "how to talk to your friend who has this issue" pov, or just kinda goes "lol pray about it idk". I 100% know and stand by that biological sex is biological sex and don't think it's possible to change to the opposite sex, nor do I really want to... so it's not a matter of needing to persuade me, but it doesn't change that I still have feelings of stress and of not really living up to or fitting in with womanhood. When I'm around other women it can be really difficult because I feel so profoundly different when we should be similar. TIA

Sorry this took so long, I took the time to talk to a couple of people who had dysphoria in the past and some who didn't to get some insight.

Both the people I had talked to who had it had cited porn as a major reason why they developed it in the first place so if thats not ur experience then maybe this wont be as helpful for you 😅

They did bring up a good point that assessing where you think your dysphoria comes from from a psychiatric standpoint could help you figure out how to deal with it and i was given this link:

https://oncurrentevents.substack.com/on-gender-transition-and-psychiatric-disorders

Like for example it was pointed out to me that gd presents a lot like body dysmorphia (specifically, like eating disorders and stuff) so u might be able to use whatever coping mechanisms are used for that to help. It also seems to be a prevalent phenomenon in autistic and adhd individuals so perhaps addressing those things if you have them would help.

I was also linked to this book, the friend in question had remarked that it had helped a lot of the women he knew:

https://a.co/d/6DNWdA2

The guy I talked to said therapy had helped him as well as support from God/ his family but finding non affirming therapists that have a nuanced view on things is extremely difficult, esp if you want a Christian one. Him and I were extremely lucky in that way.

The one woman i spoke to said she quit porn and sobered off gd feelings once she realized transitioning wouldnt truly make her a boy.

I did want to be a boy when i was really young but im not super sure that counts? Idk.

For me what helped was realizing a lot of what made me not want to be a girl at that time was just a reaction to stereotypical gender roles and sexism towards women. Once i started challenging those perceptions and the ways my brain was affirming them i became way more comfortable in my body.

I also had a similar realization as sibling that I'd never truly be able to be a boy if i tried to alter my body. I could wear blue and be the night in shining armor and be a hero and still be a woman, yknow?

Also a lot of it was me being very gay and not realizing it lmaooo

I can def relate to not really fitting in with women--particularly in Christian settings I'm typically the only one who isnt hyperfemme and it can be a bit alienating.

Realizing i wasn't straight kinda helped too since the lesbian perception of womanhood is a lot more fluid than its straight counterpart. Not saying to "go gay" if you aren't but maybe looking into butch and gnc communities and framing your self-perception in that way might help?

If there are any other side b dysphoric folks reading this feel free to chime in with your own tips/resources in dealing with this stuff please!!

[kondensaduhhh]

Tomi ‘Spider’ Sully Hybrid AU Headcanons bc im literally losing my mind at the possibilities of this

- my personal fave, is how Jake and Neytiri pronounce ‘Tommy/Tomi’, Jake says it very american; ‘touh-mi’ while Neytiri says; ‘toh-mee’ (idk how to make this make sense, but im filipino and i can hear the difference when my uncle says ‘tommy’ and how everyone else says ‘tomi’)

- the queue and tail being regular na’vi size so it’s enormous on Spider (this is @lovermyme but i love it so much)

-if you think Spider is great climber without a tail, wait until yall see the speed on this mf, using the damn thing like an extra limb

- Spider hanging upside down, hanging on just by his tail spider monkey style (which is the reason my spider monkeys got their name btw)

-Spider having bright orange eyes and extra large irises, i want him to look alien on the get go to both na’vi and humans

- his na’vi fangs overlapping his human canines, so cute

-pointy ears!! they aren’t as animated as the na’vi’s though, but it’s kinda there.

- he can breathe pandoran air but it causes phlegm buildup if he’s only breathing pandoran air, but when he does come back for human oxygen, he gets lightheaded for a good half hour or so.

- always has some ache in his back, arms, and legs, like he feels like he’s too big to fit in his body.

- can technically eat na’vi foods, but it makes his stomach hurt. Norm said it might be bc he was solely eating human food and that perhaps they can try exposure therapy but Neytiri didn’t wanna risk it, this is her first born afterall

- he has way denser bones than humans, no where near as a na’vi of course, but finding out this bone density fact when he slipped off a branch and fell a good 15ft, hitting branches on the way and found out none of his bones broke when he was 7 was not a good way to find out. Neytiri screamed at Jake for a approximately 5 hrs, non-consecutively

- got his lobes stretched just like his Mama.

- spoiled fucking rotten, but he doesn’t know/ he can’t ask for anything despite the fact he will get it if asked, he’s still a people pleaser, and still has some self-worth issues.

- thick fucking hair, like na’vi thick, he had to have an undercut bc it was literally straining his neck (much to Neytiri’s dismay)

idk i think that’s it for now lol

[davidtennantgenderenvy]

eternal youth is overrated - a good omens one shot

Summary: Heartbreak and loneliness have left Crowley marked in more ways than one. Aziraphale helps him see that this isn’t such a bad thing.

NOTES: I’ve always had a bit of a bittersweet fascination with aging (David Tennant’s crows’ feet make me emo in ways I cannot hope to describe), with the sadness but also the beauty inherent in it, and I thought it could be interesting to bring this idea to good omens. The concept was “what if Crowley started getting grey hairs after Aziraphale leaves, if, over time, his physical appearance subconsciously changed to reflect his mental state?” The fact that I wrote this as a 19 year old honestly just shows how much I need therapy, but it was honestly incredibly cathartic to work through some of my own mental struggles via Crowley in this fic. Aziraphale’s pov was equally fun to write, as I basically just got to write how he feels about Crowley based on what I feel about David (lol). Hope you enjoy my first Good Omens one shot- I may or may not make an A03 account if it gets enough engagement, I’m honestly pretty proud of it! Special thanks to my wonderful partner in crime @flyingfluse for providing some much needed inspiration!

PS: The title is actually from a song I wrote called Grow Old With Me (hopefully will be available someday fingers crossed)

——————

It had been a year.

Nothing to a demon, really. In the vast expanse of six thousand years on earth, not to mention the innumerable eons Before The Beginning, a year didn’t count for much more than a blip. But heartbreak is a funny thing. Time, for Crowley, now seemed to pass in a much more human fashion- the year that had elapsed since Aziraphale’s return to heaven, a year devoid of anything resembling laughter or joy, a year spent largely either sleeping or stewing in self-loathing, had seemed longer than the past hundred combined.

Crowley’s gaze blearily wandered to the rearview mirror of the Bentley. His reflection, as everything seemed to these days, mocked him.

Those sickly yellow eyes, reminding him of all he was and all that he could never be, like the sulfur he had been cast into all those millenia ago. On his worst days, it was like he could still feel it, eating away at him from the inside out, decaying his soul and with it, his body. It carved shadows into his cheeks and circles beneath his eyes, deep and dark as caverns. It rose in his throat until he choked on it, leaving his voice hoarse and acrid. It spewed out of him onto everything and everyone, every time he opened his mouth, an acidic bile of rage and bitterness.

He had been destroyed and rebuilt over and over through the millenia, and the product was a rough, hardened callus of a being, like a patch of skin that had been picked at too many times. He felt grotesque, untouchable, damaged- there would be no point to pursuing any new connections when no one would understand, nor why would they want to, when he seemed to turn everything he held to ashes? 

A ray of sunlight leaked through the window of the Bentley, catching upon Crowley’s hair, revealing it to be littered with strands of grey, collecting dust-like in his copper mane. How the mighty have fallen, he thought bitterly. Falling, always falling, like leaves in autumn, their color draining as their forms grow brittle and they become one with the earth. From dust they were made, and to dust, they shall return.

Perhaps in a year, he would be dust too. What would he care?

Demons didn’t naturally age, or so he had thought. But loneliness seemed to have made a mortal out of Crowley, centuries of it crashing down upon his corporation, wearing it to the bones, etching his torment into his skin. He could always just miracle any part of himself back to the way it was, reverse all this damned erosion… but what would it matter? Why even try to keep his hair from losing its color when all the color had drained from his life the second his angel had left it?

He felt so, so old.

A single, desperate sob escaped Crowley’s mouth, cracking out of him like splintering firewood.

As he weeped against the steering wheel, the Bentley switched on its radio in sympathy. 

I’ve walked too long in this lonely lane,

I’ve had enough of this same old game.

I’m a man of the world, they say that I’m strong,

But my heart is heavy and my hope is gone.

-----------------

    The demon lay curled in Aziraphale’s lap, clinging to his chest as a snake might in search of warmth. It clutched at Aziraphale’s soul to see Crowley this vulnerable, the swaggering and smirking stripped away to reveal a heart in desperate need of care and healing- a task Aziraphale considered his greatest duty and greatest pleasure, for he knew Crowley would do the same for him. 

    Aziraphale ran his fingers through Crowley’s hair, earning a deep sigh from his beloved, whose brows turned up in fragile, stirring comfort. He loved doing this, both to see how much his touch moved Crowley and because he simply loved his hair itself. Bold, striking, an instant head-turner, just like everything else about him. It was now the longest it had been since biblical times, falling in elegant waves past his shoulders. But oh, something else was different… it was streaked now with rivers of silver, gathering in deltas at his temples. It lit a familiar flame in Aziraphale’s chest; that bittersweet blend of desire and sympathy.

    “You’ve changed your hair, I see”, he said softly. 

     Crowley takes a labored swallow, strain and self consciousness seeping into his face. Whatever he says next, it’s clear that the admission is going to cost him.

     “When you left, I suppose I… let myself wither away.” His voice is lodged deep in his throat, thick and murky, leaking out of him like tar, a sound from the depths of his own personal hell. “Oh, Aziraphale…” he exhales, and it’s one of the most poignant Aziraphale has ever heard.  “I’m so tired. So worn down. So bloody ancient.”

      “So am I, my dear,” he says, trying to come across more soothing than concerned.

     “Yes, but you still shine in the same way you did all those millenia ago… still so bright, so soft.  I’m all tarnished and rusted up… I don’t know how you still want to touch me.”

     Aziraphale gazed down into Crowley’s eyes, piercing and pleading and fragile, like shattered stained glass. At his craggy, rough-hewn cheeks, all bones and edges he’d happily cut himself on to caress. At the deep, deep lines around his eyes, carved there by every grin and grimace and longing and ache. And oh, the silver in his hair… it suited him so, both rejecting and combining black and white with a color all his own. It wasn’t normal for immortal bodies, ethereal or occult, to bear the marks of time and experience as Crowley’s has. But then, Crowley was never an ordinary demon, or angel, was he? No, he was something far more exquisite. 

    “Oh, but I do… I  do…” Affection surges through Aziraphale as he kisses every crease and wrinkle, every scar and every glorious grey, every sign that his dear Crowley has lived. He feels Crowley’s hands winding through his hair in response and kisses those too, those eloquent, spindly fingers and calloused palms…

   “Crowley, my most cherished books… the covers are peeling, the pages are torn or yellowed with age… so why would you be any different?” His heart seizes up, his voice breaking a bit. “I have seen the fire and rain rage within you for so long, and I have seen the marks they have left upon you, and each one is precious to me. You know how I love to read… Why would I not want to see the story of my beloved written upon their face? My 

dear old serpent, my survivor…you don’t have to fight anymore…”

     He pulls Crowley tightly to his chest, drawing the tension from his shoulders and back before cupping the sides of his face as Crowley stares back, looking overwhelmed and old and so, so beautiful. “I want you exactly as you are. Rough and hard and frayed at the edges… you will never be too much of any of these things for me. In fact…” A slightly wicked twinkle forms in his eye as he smiles pointedly at Crowley: “They make you more tempting to me than ever.”

    Crowley processes this for a moment. “Well…” he croaks out, that hint of playful snark finding its way back into his throaty timbre, “I suppose there is something to be said for… shades of grey.” Aziraphale laughs, remembering the words he himself said to Crowley all those years ago, on the same night he realized just how much he adored him.

   Crowley smiles, that crooked, twisted, perfectly imperfect smile that Aziraphale missed, his eyes crinkling magnificently at the corners. “Kiss me,” he whispers, and Aziraphale is happy to oblige. Happy that Crowley, bold, fierce, independent Crowley, could finally let his guard down, could finally embrace that all of his scars and imperfections, every mark of time upon his face, everything he ever thought made him damaged and ugly only made him more beautiful in his sight.

[windvexer]

hello chicken !! i really hope you're doing well tonight, i had something of a silly question for you if you're feeling up to it ! does the feeling of like ... things feeling dramatic and silly ever go away with witchy stuff ? i can't really word it properly, but trying to breach out of my research phase and into actively practicing is hard cause i always feel a little foolish, like i'm playing pretend. it's a hard feeling to shake, even if i believe in what i'm doing, and i was wondering if you had any advice for shaking it?

Hi, Anon. Sorry for late reply. I think my cold is finally clearing up, so at least I've got that going for me!

Witchcraft feeling like melodrama silliness went away for me.

There wasn't some key I turned that solved the problem. It was lots of little things that wove together to form a tapestry of few fucks to give.

One thing that helped a lot was being able to secure privacy while I was practicing. It helps feel less awkward if no one can catch you at it.

You can also use whatever typical self-parenting techniques you have on hand to work on it. "No, my beliefs aren't silly. It's okay for me to do this in earnest." Etc.

My attitudes towards the spirits, the craft, and ritual itself also shifted into something that puts way less pressure on me (or rather, shifts pressure, lol). I think it's worth examining if you have any beliefs about your craft that are putting a large pressure on you to "perform" witchcraft as if it's a scripted play (perhaps as opposed to a framework where you're cooking a meal or visiting family).

At a certain point, if you're able to feel things beyond the physical, your brain starts to get a little crowded. It's hard to focus on feeling silly, doing the steps, and sensing energies and spirits all at the same time. Sooner or later, something has to go. Working to trim out unwanted feelings of silliness can also make space for psychism to blossom, so that's a 2-for-1.

I suspect any techniques to cultivate personal wellbeing and self-respect would be helpful here.

But for me, a large part of it was just time, growth, and acclimatization.

So it can get better, and I think a part of it getting better is to just give yourself time to get used to it; but you should probably also take active steps to manage these thoughts, because it's a rotten vine that shouldn't stay on the tree even if it doesn't choke the tree out.

And when it comes to that, it's kinda just about self-therapy. Or regular therapy. Either way.

[rosykims]

please tell us more about your second worldstate!!! 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏 i'm so intrigued by your ocs and i saw you mentioning playing amell currently

thank u for asking omg !!!! i have 3 worldstates loosely planned out which is a Lot for me since i have a tendency to get deeply (perhaps pathologically) attached to one worldstate and one pc lol. but im being brave abt it !

worldstate 1 is my canon worldstate, and the overarching theme for it is self-mythology/loss of personhood. i wont go into detail since i yap enough abt them already lol but i have elspeth (warrior f!cousland romancing alistair) cillian (a rogue m!hawke romancing anders) and ashara (a mage f!lavellan romancing/redeeming solas) all going into datv head first. my canon datv pc will likely be an elven archer f!rook romancing either davrin or taash hehe <3

second worldstate is all mages and obv thats the main theme i wanna have fun with

lucander amell (he/him, blood mage and spirit healer, romances morrigan) unassuming, distant, and polite and also kind of unnerving. used to being seen as a bad guy and is willing to act accordingly, but otherwise is a pretty decent, honorable man. does morrigan's ritual, kills the archdemon, leaves alistair a grey warden. doesn't become warden commander in awakening bc he goes into hiding from the wardens before they can ask too many questions abt the ritual and why hes still alive. he tracks down morrigan in the hopes of protecting her, and then stays with her and their son after that.

cecilia hawke (she/her, spirit healer mage, romances fenris) a blue!hawke who's sweet and motherly and soft spoken and has an enormous guilt complex/self hate for being a mage lol. carver joins the templars, and she later sides with them in act 3 and kills anders which </3 anyways. she survives here lies the abyss in dai and hopefully goes on to attend biweekly couples therapy with fenris <3

thomasin trevelyan (SOFTEST of launches on that name) (she/her, knight enchanter mage, romances cullen. maybe.) socially adept, politically cunning, with a love for the game and a desire to regain her place within the trevelyan family nobility. sides with the mages, doesn't drink from the well, negotiates a truce between celene/gaspard/briala, pardons the wardens, redeems solas, disbands the inquisition post trespasser. shes a good girl and she's got her head on straight!

might do a qunari f!rook mage to romance taash or davrin for datv! we'll see !

lastly my third worldstate places value on the eluvians so its very elfy or at least elf-adjacent. and also the lineage of ameridan > garahel > maherial and so on. i just think its neat . still VERY much underdeveloped tho so no names yet

f!mahariel, she/her, an archer who romances leliana (prev tamlen :c) who dies killing the archdemon

half elven f!hawke mage, romancing merrill!! she sides with the mages but probably still kills anders :( shaking my head in disgust so u can tell i do not approve of this choice ..........

an m!trevelyan warrior romancing ?????????????? IDK. cass maybe. this is going to be exclusively a 'piss off solas' speedrun so hes siding with the templars, putting gaspard on the throne, doing war crimes, etc. wont be redeeming him i fear </3

i hate to say it. i HATE to say it. but if there's a way for me to make a solasmancing rook for datv i Will find a way in this worldstate for the comedic effect of antagonizing my m!trev. even if its just thru headcanons exclusively lol

[pareidolla]

also I know I just sent an ask, and I forgot to slap this in that ask but uh.

you made me ship broken x cage.

like I did appreciate their dynamic earlier, but then you kinda just cemented it and suddenly I'm all over the ship now lolol. they're cute. they are so cute. just two wronged, traumatized people caught in the throes of depression and the futility of existence, yet managing to connect with each other despite it all, or perhaps because of it. I love them. they need therapy. they can hold hands on the way there as he cradles her severed head in his other arm. I don't even know anymore they are just so cute

also I'm gonna send everything I wanna say to you in the same ask so I'm sorry if this comes out a bit long lol. annoying kouhai nev strikes again /lh

the thing about not really self shipping despite the straight up simping. finally, someone gets it. (which is probably a little funny since I might be one of the many reasons behind that disclaimer. oops.)

do I love the thorn? yes. do I call her my wife on a daily basis? also yes. do I wish she was real? of course. would she even so much as spare me a second glance if she was real? probably not. and if she did look at me, it would most likely be because Someone is Being A Weirdo and she's appropriately being a little freaked out.

better for her that I don't exist in her life; she has enough to deal with already. just because I wanna kiss her, doesn't mean I wholeheartedly believe that I should be kissing her. there's a difference. I acknowledge her existence very much but she really doesn't need to acknowledge mine. It's a little embarrassing.

so seeing your post about Broken was actually kind of nice. someone else put it into words for once.

(that ain't gonna stop me from projecting either, though. why do I see the Voice of the Cheated as a small dramatic loud loser gamer boy with scars who swears a lot? because I am a small dramatic loud loser gamer boy with scars who also swears a lot. and he gets to be with thorn. so I live vicariously through it when I, say, make him trace along the edges of her pointed ears and clasp her scarred hands in his own.)

p.s. your art is fucking amazing and there is just something crunchy about your art style that I cannot quite place

p.p.s. I fucking thank this account for existing. everyone else has birdboy designs and it makes me feel like I am doing something wrong in this fandom sometimes. so at least there's another one here too even if you do it objectively better lmao

nevvey dearie hello again!! i apologize, but i'm holding your second ask in inbox jail for the time being. i want to draw something for it, but i'm not sure when i'll get to it (*gestures to the reqs, questions, bingos, ask game pile*)

i'm so glad to have someone else who ships cage/broken!! they're so darling i love them with my whole heart. i mentioned it already but i'd love to write something for them someday - i think their personalities could mesh quite well together and they'd have a sweet, mellow romance. prettiest couple in the construct fr

(actually i'm still debating on who's canonically the prettiest in my canon but shhhhh)

super happy there's someone else in the same boat as me haha. oh but please don't blame yourself for the disclaimer, it wasn't one person who prompted me into making it but several dozen small interactions i've had over the half-year. nobody can read minds, and it's normal to assume that if i express my desire to marry broken all the time then i'll be just as thrilled to hear broken reciprocates those feelings. like no one should feel guilty over it - i'm not mad nor do i hold any negative feelings to anyone lmao

the main reason for the post, arguably, wasn't even on this site; rather, it's because i've seen yume spaces where people can be so devoted to their yume that they block doubles or experience such strong feelings of envy/ discomfort that they feel nauseous. i respect and sympathize with them, but i don't relate to it, and i don't want anyone to think that only i'm allowed to like broken. like no i want you to like my boyfriend. the ao3 well is drying up please someone kiss that sad bird on the mouth!

and aww thank you dearie!! again i'm very flattered you love my artwork especially since you're so skilled yourself ♡♡ means a lot. and doubly-so on having someone else making shoujo anime designs makes me feel more confident in mine haha

AND MINE AREN'T OBJECTIVELY BETTER ❗️❗️❗️I HAVEN'T EVEN SHOWN MOST OF MY UPDATED BOYS YET ❗️❗️❗️ YOURS ARE SO DELIGHTFUL ALREADY ❗️❗️❗️ DO NOT SELL YOURSELF SHORT

[rouge-fauna]

[some context]

What a lovely thing to wake up to. <3 <3 :) No worries on me feeling like I’m doing something wrong, it was more so an observation and realization that perhaps I need to make sure I’m more explicit about whether I’m looking at things from a certain pov. But yeah you are not the only one, and it’s hard when we watch lore through povs, not helped by the fact that Dream doesn’t have one for 98% of the lore making it easy to be biased against him automatically. But I’ve talked about bias a lot I feel like so probably ought to not jump down that rabbit hole lol. I’m glad you are looking at things from other povs too though and manage to get along with your Dream apologist friend that way. I feel like that is what the dsmp is supposed to be. :)

On the other note, I really appreciate you saying that <3, and if it makes you feel better last week’s backlash actually provided an insight into the sucess for a therapy I’ve been doing relating to trauma and pinning down the past so it doesn’t effect the future, as well as feeling very validating. Like I said before, no one’s ever stood up for me in the past or had my back and it was very healing to have that. (Thank y’all for being my Punz and Techno XD <3) And it also almost leaves me with a sense of pride because for pretty much the first time I handled something like this differently than I would have before. Instead of retreating, I stayed. Instead of rolling over, conceding, taking the blame or not responding, I actually stood up for my self a bit. Instead of keeping it all to myself irl, I actually told people. (All of these things, certainly helped by y’all’s support of course <3). Hell instead of being upset to the point of not being able to think about Tommy ever again, I literally went on to post about him less than a week later lol XD. And that might not seem like a big deal to you, but not so long ago it would have destroyed me. The last time something similar to this happened I cried for hours till my whole body hurt and I had run out of tears. I would have likely deleted the app and not redownloaded it, in fact I’d probably be so hurt and upset I’d give it all up, including the fanfiction I’ve been excitedly working on.

So in a way, while it was painful and shitty, it also brought forth almost a sense of like celebration or pride I guess of how far I’ve come. It rocked my boat but it didn’t flip it over and leave me to drown. And it also was very healing to have support, even from people irl who’s reactions really suprised me… So, I guess as always I recommend if you have the means to go to therapy y’all, even if to just have a qualified objective person help you through life and provide you with strategies and outlooks to navigate relationships and challenges. And don’t be afraid to see a new counselor if the one isn’t helping, whether because of personality just doesn’t fit or they aren’t supporting you in the way you need. (Like I had a counselor once who basically compared my pain to the holocaust like wtf.… but that doesn’t mean all therapy is bad just because she was not particularly great)…..

umm… anyways sorry to ramble and get a little personal, this ended up way longer than I intended (no surprise lol XD) <3 <3 <3

[sukirichi]

Aaaaaaaa sukiiiiiii why you do this to meeeee 😭😭

Brain mush, im very exhausted so im sorry if ill rant dhdhajdjs

The whole rin diary part - sparked lots of joy 🥺🥺🥺

This part right after

This does not spark joy 😒 like really? really? After we kept admitting we still love rin even while being with omi we go ahead and say that? Especially after reading the damn diary... Really?

This update made my heart shatter for our dearly idiot rin even more.. He keeps thinking we just... Wont love him if we know who he really when (jokes on him we do know) and it just.. It really breaks me

The fact he truly looks that low on himself to the point he believes we are with him just cause hes a prince and if he never was we wouldnt even notice him... Bruh i just.. I want to hug him.. Royal life truly shattered him mentally to the point he has no self esteem uh..

This part tho caught my attention:

He keeps trying to push us away but perhaps cause he's noticeable tired, I mean its described at o e point that he has dark circles under his eyes, what i believe its because hes been sleeping on the couch or something because he refuses to sleep in the same bed as iris (since he did kinda hinted that she had the bed all to herself). And perhaps thanks to him being exhausted he just cant stop himself fron letting little truths come out, he didnt even seem to notice it while we truly did.

Im still disappointed? Bitter? Ahahahha that the baby is staying dhshshhdhoas he's our hubby man i dont want him to be having some other bitch's baby when neither he or she wanted it 🙃 like please just do something good for the story iris and go ahead and lose it 🤣🤣 at this point only the queen will be pissed and we love that royal bitch pissed 🤣🤣

Sorry i wanted to give a better review but damn my job has been killing me ahahahah thank you so much for another update tho, these even tho they kill me 🤡 in a way always cheer me up and make me having something to look forward for.

Also yes kuroooooo destroy the bitchhhhh ahahhaha

the rin diary part!! man I remember having to like sit down for a long time just so I could use the perfect words LIKE WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME ITS HARD TO BE POETIC LMFAO. not that it DID become poetic but it was the best I could pull out of my ass lmaoooo. omg okay I get that it doesn’t spark joy but hear me out!! at that point we’d already fallen for kiyoomi and yknow like… we already know that rintaro hasn’t been that good anyway, and we’re finally choosing what’s right, what’s BETTER (because dtd!yn has always been a character who will most likely end up doing what she thought was right and its really hard to change her mind lol but it’s just!! a matter of what feels right in that moment!!) and in that moment choosing kiyoomi and finally accepting that he has feelings for us felt like the right one! and the diary you know, it really is confusing cuz like – WE LITERALLY HAD JUST BEGUN OUR THING WITH KIYOOMI AND EVERYTHING IS GOING WELL then we see that our husband has always been secretly writing his feelings about us LIKE THE TIMING HONESTLY CAN’T GET ANY WORSE LOL

oh yeah… rin’s inferiority complex has just completely gotten worse because all his insecurities have gone from ten to a hundred. like he somehow always felt like he wasn’t good enough but to know that he was never a prince?! my boy needs therapy. and yes omg that part!! I know during the scene where he kicked us out our room was trying to imply that he wants to share the same bed as iris but naur!! my boy rin won’t even touch her within a ten foot pole in that moment, he just stays on the couch and can barely sleep because he sent us to belleview manor of all places. I just know he stayed up all night thinking about what we’re doing with kiyoomi and well… his imaginations are right because we’re making out with him lol. LMAOOOO I KEEP FORGETTING ABOUT THE BABY I think its bcos iris has been off-screen for such a while now that lowkey I forgot she and the queen existed (in other terms I’m just too excited to write about runaway rin and yn!! and I’m such a pea brain lol)

also no omg!! I hope you’re getting some rest and a well-deserved break though! and thank you so muchhh IM SO HAPPY YOU’RE ENJOYING DTD HEHEHEHE as always I appreciate you for showing so much love and I’m sending you more back!! <33

[lususnatura]

How does your muse sit? Do they take up space, or keep to themselves?

AHH, before i say anything else, first let me say: thank you for sending me this ask! it always makes me so happy whenever i see people send me stuff :) and honestly, i feel like this is an interesting question because the way i see it, the manner in which a character carries themselves alone could say a LOT about them, i'm not gonna lie. so i am glad you asked!! and now, allow me to give you the best answer i can in relation to this: blamore does absolutely take up space whenever it sits somewhere, and i think that a big part of why this is partially due to perhaps confidence that is a little performative on it's part, BUT that is also genuine as well.

and i know that that might not make complete sense without context because i myself think that my method of explaining things sometimes can be confusing LOL. though, i promise that i'll explain what i mean in a second. this is something that i've only briefly touched upon in both blamore's carrd and in an earlier post on here thus far + as such, i'm going to talk about it more in depth here, but even before it's transformation — blamore was someone with a 'big' personality and this sort-of showed through him seeming to be full of confidence as well as being quote spontaneous, especially for someone who seemed to have such a laid-back father. it's also important to know that blamore's father was also very supportive of it, however, though he felt like he couldn't express who he really was while he was still in annecy with thérèse. for, as you may be familiar with, thérèse was... well, there's really no other way to put it besides that she was abusive and as a result, blamore felt like he always had to be walking on eggshells around her.

this is done in order to try to prevent or minimize any future occurrences of upsetting the abuser. but unfortunately, this rarely works and when it does, it's only temporary. and so for a while, blamore had lost his sense of self because he basically conditioned himself to only focus on what was happening outside of himself. and as a result, he had stopped listening to his inner voice for a while as a child, which is not a good thing but blamore viewed it as the only way he could possibly survive around her without completely breaking down so one can understand why he did it. it is also a common occurrence with those who have been abused, and although sacha (blamore's father) had tried to help his child heal from all of the psychological / emotional trauma that it endured at the hands of it's mother (which was made unknown to him by thérèse until he found her physically lashing out at him) with therapy as well as much positive reinforcement from him as possible that he could be the person he wants to be without having to fear that he'd be punished or ridiculed for it... there is still a part of it that is affected by the psychological abuse that was inflicted on it as a kid.

because it has made him chronically angry and self-tortured deep down inside, so although his true personality HAS been allowed to flourish in the years that proceeded sacha and its move to gotham, sometimes blamore falls into what he considers to be a 'bad habit' and be at least somewhat insecure about his identity / personality. so, yeah, although blamore usually always appears to be a very 'loud and proud' person on the outside that let's everyone know that he exists by completely sprawling out or just sitting in positions that call attention to him in general whenever he sits somewhere + gives them this idea that he's not going to let ANYONE make him feel like he can't take up space? sometimes, he feels like he's a kid all over again and one who doesn't know who he is.

and i can't lie, it is really sad. not to mention that it took blamore a while just to become even halfway comfortable in his skin the way it is now because, as far as medical doctors like nico morselli are concerned, it's downright PUZZLING that he's still alive with the way he is now and to suddenly be thrust into being dehumanized by so many people was... very disorienting for blamore, to say the least. but he's tried his best to turn this dehumanization on its head by trying to embrace that he's something else other than just human now. but yeah, i know this was a bittt long, but thank you very much for the ask again! and i hope you're having a GREAT morning thus far :)