#so now im going through doctors to know what to do with that
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terrys-min-catl · 3 months ago
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he's swimming somewhere. i wonder where
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(yeah yeah. another gif bc why not)
and no background if ya need to
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i wonder why would you need that but here
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autisticaradiamegido · 11 months ago
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thoughts on dave and aradia (<>)?
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day 356
BIG fan tbh. in this house we love and respect timerails
truly yall read this log and tell me theyre not cute
#day 356#year 4#dave strider#aradia megido#aradave#homestuck#she really saw this kid and was like OH YOU HAVE ISSUES WITH YOUR MORTALITY?? :D#boy do i have some relevant life experience and wisdom to impart on THAT ISSUE SPECIFICALLY#and then she just. very gently and kindly makes the subject more approachable for ghostdave#the pesterlog i linked is literally my FAVORITE aradia moment. to me it is THE character defining moment for god tier aradia#yes she is being kind of ominous and trickstery at first#but it VERY quickly becomes clear shes got genuine concern for this kid she's had very little to do with up until this point#she really wants to connect with him over their shared time aspect stuff#and she really DOES care about how he feels about everything. she wants to help and she wants to put him at ease#because she KNOWS from experience that being dead and having to cope with what that means for you is like VERY UPSETTING AND TRAUMATIC#shes not just like. 'hee hee i think death is great and awesome because im edgy'#shes like 'no dude being dead is scary if you dont have anybody to explain this shit to you. so im going to explain it-'#'-and hopefully by the end of this conversation you will have some new things to feel relief and maybe even joy and excitement about'#'not just in spite of the death thing but BECAUSE of it'#i know shes spooky and has weirdgirl swag and we all love that about her but like#at her core she is a very KIND person. she may occasionally struggle to connect to people through the Death Special Interest Haze#but she WANTS to and when she DOES she is like. a genuinely very warm and comforting presence for her friends#ANYWAY. if andrew hussie or i guess james roach now want to give me an honorary doctorate for my 12+ years of intensive aradia studies#i will be here waiting patiently#timerails
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rigormortisangel · 1 month ago
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at fourteen i shouldve been playing minecraft or some shit not being payed for borderline sexual acts and going out w my friends to drug deals with a known pedophile what was i on back then
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mejomonster · 5 days ago
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You ever confronted by how much fear is holding you back on even little daily things? ;-;
#rant#like i have adhd and im sure thats a portion of my decision paralysis and procrastination#but like... tax forms wouldnt be SO hard if i wasnt so terrified of filling out every little portion wrong#i am TERRIFIED of not understanding the directions and not knowing what to do next when i fill out a form...#i am terrified of calling my doctor and trying to Guess how to word my symptoms in a way which will result in me being helped instead of#dismissed. i am terrified that what i choose to eat will HURT bad and have days long consequences#(since i have gastroparesis so every fucking food decision risks me vomiting/being unable to eat for days if i fuck it up...#and you WILL always fuck up food decisions... if i wish to ever eat at a restaurant there will be random additives i cant check or forgot a#about... and sometimes they WILL hurt me)#and hell... with my chronic illness. there's days through NO fault or choice of my own... i simply feel WORSE#i can meticulously slowly cautiously make all my decisions. and STILL 'fuck up' and be in incapacitating pain for days#its so frustrating!#yeah i get afraid i'll write and make a mistake in a fanfic whatever. or pick a show im bored with.#but it's frustrating how much GENUINE fear i deal with on everyday decisions#if i eat the wrong thing? fucked up for days. if i choose to paint and my body decides it cant handle#sitting upright that long? fucked up for days#if i choose to go for a walk and my body decides halfway through it cant do it? FUCKED up for days#if i want to get myself a yummy food or drink from a restaurant to reward myself? random chance#it could fuck me up for days#choose not to eat at all? ....body for no predictable reason may choose it's upset and i... feel fucked up for days anyway#so many daily decisions feel like high probability i'll FUCK MYSELF UP FOR DAYS#and i do not like enduring feeling that bad. so of course i get scared to make decisions.#and then that anxiety seeps into ALL decisions#and suddenly i realize i feel scared just... calling my mom to say i'll come over#because WHAT if i start vomiting and im in immense pain and have to CANCEL my visit and she gets UPSET and#maybe i should have just NOT tried to see her at all because now i'm dealing with an upset mom just because i couldnt predict#my health bombing that day.#or what if i start my taxes... and i have a panic attack (because im SO scared of making mistakes) and then my roommate yells at me#for being too emotional or my boss yells at me for having to take a mental health day off#(because i keep hyperventilating and cant rationalize anything cause im having panic attacks) and then my work/pay suffers and house feels
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homingpigecns · 1 year ago
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this is like a sadgirl pathetic post but this guy i met recently at work was like, very direct and polite in being interested in me and i've been feeling him out bc i literally do not know him well enough to have an opinion but i can't like. he is so normal and nice. hes like a nice normal guy. every time i text him he doesn't say anything weird and he's extremely nice. what the hell. he's literally so nice. WHY. does he like. me???? like what's wrong with him that he specifically is interested in me????
#this is not even a low self esteem thing but shdhsbdhsdh every girl in the world is so pretty . me??? why?????#literally the day i met him & he asked me out i barely spoke to him was mind numbingly stupid and crawled on the floor on multiple occasion#i cant text this guy bc every time i have to answer im like. this guy is so fucking normal. me??? hes interested in me???? WHY????#everyome i try to convey this to is like :// aww he thinks ur cute. stop overthinking. WHATS WRONG WITH HIM#he specifically asked me out by asking the relief nurse what my name was and she offered to give him my number if i was ok w it#I WAS AT WORK..... I JUST SAID YES...... and i was like ok this probably will not go anywhere. he probably wont even text me#he texted me while i was commuting home literally he was still doing cases........#did i mention i was digging through garbage. literally he was like sorry the surgeon yelled at u she gets so flustered and ir was like no#she yelled at me bc im stupid. did u not notice that im stupid. this guy -- NORMAL -- literally saw me at my lowest and asked me out......#brandon oscillates#brandon what abt the guy at work u had a thing for I KNOW. im so torn however sjsbdbdhdbbx we are like actually coworkers#this guy if i see him every now and then in passing occasionally in the same room. that guy is my coworker for real#it cant happen. also dbxshsdhshdhe he has a 9 yr old hes too old for me. idk his relationship status but i dont think hes married.#also hes out of my league. also my other coworker told me he thinks hes gay but that hes closeted but that coworker is filipino so#mildly homophobic. i also told him to never tell anyone else that. i dont think hes gay. whatever.#i will miss my impossible crush as my hobby but this guy is nice and ahdhs its psychopathic to give him my number and then reject his date#can u imagine#whatever. im doing high school now i guess. the relief nurse is sooo proud of herself#shdbbd literally when i came back from lunch that day my scrub was like THE DOCTOR LIKES U!!!#and i was lkke omg really??? she doesnt think im stupid???? but it was this guy. and she did still think i was stupid#u know i have concert tickets for next thursday but shdhsd i literally have had too many experiences this year#i am trying to sell tgem#personal
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caffeinatedopossum · 1 year ago
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I'm still grieving the dreams I lost due to my disability and I just added another one
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quietwingsinthesky · 8 months ago
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even has killed people—though perhaps that depends on your definition of people—and it’s not. how do i put it. it’s never cool, you know? it’s never a moment where this puts them in control of a situation, where they can show off some skill in putting someone down. because even is not, generally, very powerful, and they do not know how to do this.
it just gets messy.
which is one of those terrible reasons why they… well, they don’t like the master, but they have to like that she can do it easy, quick, clean. she can give even the ability to, as well, when she wants. if for no other reason than it means that they won’t have to scrub it raw off their skin later, they appreciate that.
#but if left to their own devices?#what im saying i think is: the doctor 🤝 even: has killed someone with a rock#and of course i say whatever your definition of people is because you’d have to ask if you count daleks as people#i’m honestly not sure if even does. they might have pre-getting launched into a pocket dimension war. they really might have.#very expansive definition of people on account of them not really feeling like they should count as one anyway so therefore if they do. lots#of things must. including the murder trash cans. they’re flesh on the inside aren’t they? they speak they think they hate.#but i think they stop. because it’s better not to. it’s easier. and guiltless too. not like a dalek stops to xonsider your personhood.#but to be very very clear. even has also killed just. guys.#actually i have in my notes here that the tone-setting moment of this whole. arc?#is that it really starts with a jailbreak. predicated on lackluster security for one of the prisoners because they are *just* a human.#and the other is. well. and there’s a war that won’t end that there’s no escape from now to worry about.#but the tone-setting part yeah. is that this really starts with even befriending someone like them through the bars. time lords need#janitors too you know? someone has to clean up around the cells. and they let even out for a minute because of that friendship.#as you can imagine. even is not going back in the cell once they’re out of it. no matter what they promised. and their ‘friend’ is going to#alert someone. and.#you need to understand most of all from this first point. that even doesn’t know that regeneration isn’t A) an inherent trait of gallfrey#rather than a granted one and B) infallible. that’s the cslculation they make. that whatever damage they do won’t matter because they’ll#come back from the dead. ………they do not.#it’s reslly a ‘congratulations! you broke free of the narrative constraints (and safeties) of standing near the doctor! murder is now#unlocked! good luck!’ moment akdhfkshdkfj#anyway. <3 makes their life worse on purpose <3#dw oc
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machinedramon · 11 months ago
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legit wondering if when I start going to the doc for all my physical shit I should ask abt who I should see abt maybe getting mood stabilizers
i'm sick of this unending cycle of getting eight million ideas and scrambling from one to the next before burning myself out on all of them and falling into a depression and hating myself for not doing any of the eight million things I was excited about
#i am losing my fucking mind here i cant fucking take it anymore#i dont think im bipolar i just think the adhd takes the wheel and fucking floors it#i dont have delusions of grandeur (not more than a flight of fancy that i know is unrealistic anyway) or like. euphoria.#i also dont not remember stuff from from those surges of inspiration#i mean i might forget something but thats bc i got distracted and my brain dumped it to focus on New Shiny Thing#this is the equivalent of my 2AM mental breakdown so bear with me here i am Going Through It when i should be sleeping#also it feels like theres shit crawling on me and there isnt but i cant sleep bc i am ITCHY WHY AM I ITCHY WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE THIS#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#fun fact: the sensation of shit crawling on you is called formication#which is really fucking funny#like i understand its from formica meaning ant but it is literally one letter away from fornication#anyway doing my usual webmd doom spiral and guess what gets formication as a symptom sometimes: bipolar disorder#im gonna laugh if i get a bipolar dx but it doesnt seem right#all the other options were autoimmune disorders like parkinson's and MS and fibro and RA#which. i might actually have rheumatoid arthritis. but the others? theyre scary. i dont wanna deal with that.#i dont even wanna deal with RA lets be real#farmer voice: i was just fine before i went to the doctor and now all of a sudden ive got an immune disorder#wait i dont think parkinson's is an autoimmune disorder thats a neurological condition#ok carry on#more fun facts since i am now down a wikipedia rabbit hole to distract myself from my itchy self#the process of ur limb falling asleep and going numb is called obdormition#then when the feeling starts coming back the pins and needles feeling is paresthesia#formication is an uncommon kind of paresthesia#obdormition is our funny word of the day and i look forward to telling someone about it randomly or for it to show up in a crossword soon#bc u know how u find something new and suddenly it's everywhere?#yeah. i get the feeling thats gonna happen here.
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svnmouth · 1 year ago
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I think getting a hysterectomy would either help with my migraine issues or just give me different problems but I wont be able to know until next year minimum and even then I dont know if I can do a second surgery so soon. the way that birth control just utterly and completely fucks you over when youre starting it, when youre on it, and when youre getting off it is so. Idk if its even worth it to change my birth control if Im gonna get a hystrectomy in the vague soonish future even if I feel like absolute dogshit for an entire month for 1/3rd of the year.
#I take it back on whatever post I made recently about hrt. I think its making my migraine issues worse.#I would take back the smell issue over migraines that have me searching basic math to make sure Im still doing 3x3 correctly#in my head. and like. being unable to read more than a paragraph or two at a time.#honestly. Im really mad at myself for being caught off guard by that doctor and telling her I was on testosterone.#because now I have to jump through stupid fucking hoops to get a hysterectomy and shit and who knows what wouldve happened if I was able to#pretend I was cis. Im pissed about it. and OFCCCCCC she says 'yes I will make sure not to mention the trans thing outside of my notes!'#and WHAT does she label the appointment as?????? literally mentioning Im trans in the big ass header that my new primary doctor immediately#saw. like come on girl do your job better than this.#life sucks being disabled when you have to do all this crap. cant just Schedule a Surgery you have to go get approved by insurance and then#make sure someone can bring you and also you have food you can actually eat during recovery and take time off work and worry about money an#then find out insurance did not approve the surgery AT the appt and then you have to wait another 2 months to reschedule the surgery and do#all of the above alllll over again. but like even worse.#bro Im so stressed about money all the time my moms bills keep going up and her bills cost more than my monthly paycheck. its bad out here.#anyway. my nightly tag rant.
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dagasinfilo · 9 months ago
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god i need to get this bitch diagnosed
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arolesbianism · 11 months ago
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Desperately trying to vibe out whether Otto is a nonbinary person who uses he/him, a nonbinary person who isn't out yet, or an egg in the logs. Can you put your pronouns in ur bio bestie
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rafeandonlyrafe · 29 days ago
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normal procedure
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words: 2.1k
warnings: 18+ only!!, dubcon, gynecologist!rafe, patient!reader, virgin!reader, gyno exam, fingering, p in v sex, protected sex
a/n: we can pretend that this is a roleplay scenario because obviously no real doctor would do this, lets all take a breath and remember this is fanFICTION aka not real or an endorsement by me (or my readers) of anything in this story
“oh, um-” you gulp, blinking as the fluorescent lights shine down on you.
“your feet ma’am.” he repeats, tapping the stirrups. you lift your legs, well aware that you're lacking any sort of underwear underneath your hospital gown.
your doctor secures your legs in the straps before his eyes drift to your center, now on display with your parted thighs.
you gasp and pull your gown down to somewhat cover yourself.
“ma’am, i assure you this is all part of the normal exam.”
“i-i-” you swallow thickly, blinking again, swearing the lights are only getting brighter, hotter, as a bead of sweat forms and falls on your forehead. “what's your name?”
“im doctor rafe cameron. certified gynecologist. you can just call me rafe though.” he explains softly. “and there is no need to be nervous.”
“okay… how long have you been a gynecologist?”
“asking all these questions is just going to delay what we need to get done.” rafe says. “shall we begin?”
“i suppose.” you nod. you know usually girls wait until after they have sex for the first time to visit, but with your twenty first birthday coming up as still a virgin, you decided you might as well stop delaying the inevitable.
“im just going to lift your gown.” rafes hands are slow and gentle as he brings the hem up, revealing your bare cunt to him.
“does it all… look okay?” you question. 
“you look perfect.” rafe says, his voice lowering in tone as he reaches for his gloves, pulling the latex over his long, slender fingers.
“okay.” you nod. surely a doctor would know. it lessens your anxiety the tiniest bit.
“im going to touch you now, okay?” rafe looks up at you, and his eye contact holds you still, blue eyes gleaming with intensity as they look into your brown ones.
“y/f/n?” 
“oh, yes.” you nod quickly. “yes, that's fine.”
rafe hums, the corner of his mouth turning up into a smirk. “so if i read your chart correctly, you haven't had sex yet?”
“no, s-sir.” you shake your head, eyes moving to the ceiling to avoid that captivating gaze, even if the fluorescents make your eyes hurt.
rafe mutters something under his breath, but you're sure your ears are just playing tricks on you. no way he would whisper “perfect” to himself. surely he's a professional.
rafe lays two fingers on your inner thigh and your entire body jolts, the gloves cold against your bare skin.
“it's okay.” rafes other hand rests on your thigh, rubbing gently with his thumb. “im going to begin the exam, if you feel any discomfort at any point just tell me.”
“okay.” you nod, and you swear despite the chilly gloves, his touch leaves a trail of fire as he brings his two fingers closer to your pussy, before suddenly swiping through your folds.
“oh!” you squeal out, hips lifting slightly before pushing back down.
“it's a normal bodily reaction.” rafe assures you before you can even feel embarrassment.
rafes fingers swipe through again, but at least you're expecting it this time. you blink quickly, trying to keep yourself calm as his other hand moves to join in examining your cunt.
“just going to use my thumbs to look around. let me know if it gets to be too much.”
just as rafe said, his thumbs begin to pull and poke at your skin. you move your gaze from the ceiling back down to rafe, seeing the same intensity in his eyes but now focused on your pussy.
“im going to touch you some place that may make you feel… fervent. please know that any reaction your body may have is normal and all part of the exam.” rafe places his thumb directly over your bud, and your body lights up like a firework.
you don't even realize you're moaning until the side of rafes mouth quirks up again into that signature smirk.
“oh!” you squeal again. “oh my god, im so sorry.”
“it's all normal.” rafe assures you. he gives you a moment to get used to the pressure on your clit, simply touching it with the pad of his thumb before he begins to swipe over it, stimulating your clit while his eyes move back and forth between your pussy and your face contorted in pleasure.
“is this supposed to feel so good?” you question. you didn't do much research on what actually happens when you get in the gynecologists chair, but you swear what you've heard from friends is that the exam isn't comfortable.
“yes.” rafe says simply, and you have no reason to not take his word as truth. “my thumb is going to stay there as i insert a finger.”
you nod, glad to have the distraction of his thumb moving around your clit, even if your cheeks flush with embarrassment as you grow wetter.
“hm, looks like i won't need any external lubricant.” rafe looks up at you. “sometimes i have to with virgins. but your pussy is perfect.”
“thank you?” your thought process is quickly shut off as rafes finger prods at your entrance, getting his gloves significantly wet.
“sorry if this is cold, but i have a feeling you'll warm me up quickly.” rafe pushes his finger inside slowly, and you have to tilt your head back and squeeze your eyes closed to keep more sounds from coming out of your mouth.
“does it all feel normal?” you're well aware at your voice must sound strained as rafes finger rubs against your inner walls.
“yes.” rafe says, this time his voice having an air of shakiness to it. “you're tight, but it's to be expected from a virgin.”
“s-sorry about that.” you can't tell if rafes emphasis on the word is negative or positive. “i didn't see myself losing it anytime soon so i scheduled my appointment.”
“and why is that darling?” rafe questions, his voice a purr as he begins to move his finger in and out in slow strokes.
“why am i a virgin? uhh…” you trail off. “i guess just haven't found the right guy yet.”
in truth, the whole idea of sex gets you nervous. hopefully after getting assurances that everything works okay down there, it'll be one less thing to be anxious about.
“we can take care of that today if you'd like.”
the thumb stroking over your clit flicks upward suddenly, making your hips jump up, legs straining in their spread position.
“what do you mean?” you ask, feeling and hearing rafes finger speed up, your slickness making it easier and easier for him to move.
“i can take your virginity. it's part of my duties as your doctor. only if you'd like, it's an optional part of the exam.”
“you mean like… insert something in me?”
“yes, my cock.” rafe smirks as he pulls his finger out, tapping against your wetness and letting the sound spread through the exam room.
“oh!” you look at rafe to make sure he's serious, but his expression doesn't convey any sort of joking around. “gynecologists do that?”
“for our virgin patients if they'd like. id wear a condom of course and take your virginity so it's less of an ordeal for you. and i can assure everything is working fine.”
“and by everything you mean…”
“making you cum.” rafes thumb applies a bit more pressure to your clit. “although you're already not far off, are you?”
“wouldn't know.” you can feel something growing in the pit of your stomach, an unfamiliar feeling you can't quite place.
“what do you say y/f/n?”
“s-sure.” you nod. “if this is all normal, i guess it's fine.”
“great.” rafe smiles, before looking down at your cunt. “ill have to work two fingers into you before fu- helping you lose your virginity.” he explains.
thankfully, his thumb keeps tapping and pressing down on your sensitive bud as a second finger lathers itself in your wetness, sliding through your folds before dipping into your cunt.
his finger are barely an inch inside before they're back out. “you'll have to excuse me for going one handed for a second.”
rafes thumb moves away from your clit, and you're about to cry out for more, immediately missing the feeling, when rafes mouth drops and his tongue takes its place.
“doctor!” you shout.
“all normal.” rafe assures you, his lips already shining with your juices. “taste is an important part of the exam too. and you're very sweet.”
you watch as rafes head dips again, his mouth working on your cunt as his two fingers that you hadn't even realized have been pushed inside of you begin to move.
rafes free hand reaches for his pants, pushing them down to get his already hard cock out. he begins to stroke as his tongue licks at your clit, fingers opening you up.
you feel another jolt of pressure when his fingers spread to scissor and close, scissor and close, working your gummy walls open for him.
rafe presses a series of wet, sloppy kisses over your cunt before restraining himself and pulling back, licking greedily over his lips to not waste your taste.
“are you ready?” rafe asks, reaching into a drawer to get a condom.
“yes.” you nod quickly. you're more than desperate now for his cock, especially as his fingers slide out and leave you empty to squeeze around nothing.
rafe stands up, bringing his cock up into your sight line. your eyes widen when you see he's much longer and thicker than his two fingers that were already a tight fit inside you.
“don't worry.” rafe says as he tears the foil of the condom before getting the rubber out and rolling it down his length. “im gonna take good care of you.”
your hips already sit at perfect height as rafe steps between your legs. you would close them out of shyness if it was at all possible.
rafe taps his tip over your clit, making you moan out, but you don't bother to hold back, not when rafe lets out a moan as well.
“the room is completely noise proof, and sounds are nothing to be embarrassed by.” rafe assures you as he rubs his cock against your pussy, thoroughly wetting himself before pushing against your entrance.
it's a slow push to break the ring of muscle, and then an easy slide once he's in.
“h-holy shit.” you whine out, hands gripping the side of the bed as rafes hips immediately begin to swing in and out.
“any pain?”
“none.” you answer quickly. there's no hiding the intense pleasure being brought to your body, especially when rafes thumb retakes its place on your clit.
“there ya go.” rafe smiles as he feels your cunt flutter around his cock. “i can tell you're getting close.”
rafe glances at the clock, wishing he could fuck you for longer, but if he extends the time for the exam too long the nurses will surely get suspicious.
“how does it f-ffffffff-” your ability to speak briefly lapses when rafes thrust speed up. “feel for you?” you manage to complete your sentence.
“your pussy feels amazing. you're so tight and warm. any guy would be lucky to be inside of you.” rafe says, his hips moving faster, desperate to cum. “perfect.”
you are practically glowing underneath the praise and impending orgasm, rafes thumb moving faster with real purpose now.
your head tips back and before you know it, a wash of light and pleasure has taken over your body, and you're moaning and twitching as what you're certain is your high breaks.
“that's it.” rafe smiles, feeling your pussy flutter around him, clit pulsing with the strength of your orgasm as he thrusts harder into your pussy, putting all his might into helping you ride out your orgasm and spur on his own.
rafe lodges his cock as deep inside of you as he can as he cums, briefly cursing the barrier of the condom from preventing himself from flooding your womb.
“very- good.” rafe pants, pulling out extra slow despite the clock ticking down, watching as your hole squeezes back tight as he pulls out.
rafe discards the condom and then his soaked gloves, sticky with your wetness before tucking himself back into his pants.
“take all the time you need.” rafe undoes the stirrups and let's your legs flop down. “ill come check on you in five minutes, i need to see if my other patient is here.”
and just as quickly as he entered, rafe leaves the room, leaving you with your pussy a sloppy mess and heart beating fast.
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criminalamnesia · 9 months ago
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Hiii!! I hope you're doing well :))
I just loveee the traitor series. Do you plan on making a part 5 or more?
thank you! here’s part five :)
the other parts can be found in my COD masterlist, which is here
ALL PARTS CAN BE FOUND HERE
I’ll proofread later :))
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you stormed out of the gym, eyesight blurry from hot tears. you weren’t crying because you were sad— no. you were furious. furious at how simon was so fucking stubborn. at how he thought he was in the right.
droplets of blood marked your footsteps as you made your way back to the infirmary. you weren’t particularly anxious to be yelled at by the doctor, but getting it over with as soon as possible was ideal.
“bonnie, y’alrigh’?”
soap. you hadn’t even seen him, so lost in your thoughts. you blinked away tears and ignored the scot, continuing to make your way down the hall in silence.
the sound of hurried footsteps was unmistakable behind you. soap wasn’t taking silence for an answer, apparently.
“bonnie, please—” he began, the drawl of his voice catapulting your mind to the past. to better days.
days when soap had patched you up after a fight, his fingers nimble as he stitched up a cut in your thigh.
“s’it hurt?” he spoke, voice gravelly because of his hushed tone.
you shook your head. your head was tilted back, eyes staring up at the ceiling but not truly seeing. you were worried sick— you and soap were the only ones who’d made it to the safe house so far. the others should’ve beaten you there, and now they were over an hour late.
“bonnie, ‘m sure they’re alrigh’,” he told you, poking the needle through skin. you barely felt it, too hyped up on fear and adrenaline.
“they should’ve beaten us here, y’know that—” you began, but he tutted, quickly cutting you off.
“cannae think like tha’, bonnie. they’ll be here any second, aye?”
he stops his stitching, his face tilting up and away from your leg. you faintly register the feeling of his eyes on you.
you felt lost— floating in sea of numbness. your mind is mulling over the millions of possibilities— possibilities in which they never return.
you’d never felt this way before, and the five of you had endured far worse.
the only thing that was different this time was the fact that you and simon were together. you’d never explicitly told the rest of the task force, but they knew.
johnny knew why you were so worked up. he understood.
he reaches a hand up, his dirtied fingers lightly tilting your chin down so you’re face to face.
“y’there?” he asks, his hand dropping from your chin. he moves to squeeze one of your hands, pulling you back down to the ground.
you give a small nod, fingers moving to intertwine with his. he smiles— not his usual playful expression, but a true, grateful, relieved smile.
“im here,” you tell him. he releases your hand, pulling away from your skin, giving your hand a light pat before fully retreating.
“‘m almost finished, yeah? then I’ll go lookin’—”
“no need.”
it’s kyle, breathing heavily as he shuffles into the room. price and ghost are right on his heels, the three men making the room feel much smaller than it did a moment ago.
“you two good?” kyle asks, a small frown on his lips as he takes note of your bloodied leg.
you nod, your eyes flitting from gaz, to price, to simon— who is now moving towards you. he crouches down so he’s eye level with you. you meet his gaze, and although he doesn’t say it, you know what he’s thinking.
he’s relieved, and it’s a deeper relief than usual. it’s heavier, more profound, because he’s started to let you in. you’re more than teammates now, and it doesn’t truly hit ghost until this moment.
“im good,” you tell him quietly. he nods, glances down at where johnny is tying off your stitches.
johnny must notice ghost’s stare, because he breaks his focus and looks up at his lieutenant with a cheeky smirk.
“no worries, LT. made sure to do ma best work,” he grins and shoots the other man a wink, to which ghost grunts, unamused.
the heavy weight of a palm on your shoulder breaks you from the memory. you move without thinking, bloodied fist swinging as you whirl around to attack whoever laid a hand on you.
then you remember— soap.
johnny narrowly dodges your assault, his eyes widened as your fist barely clips him.
“steamin’ jesus!” he speaks, throwing his hands up in surrender and taking a step back from you.
“i was jus’ tryin’ to make sure ya were alrigh’! yer bleedin’, bonnie.”
you blink as you slowly escape your stupor. you’d completely lost yourself in the memory, and you didn’t know why.
probably because your brain was trying to comfort itself the only way it knew how— by seeking comfort from the people closest to you.
old habits, right?
old fucking habits.
“don’t touch me,” you seethe, eyes narrowing as you glare at the scot. he frowns, bites his lip, but doesn’t say anything.
like a kicked puppy. you can’t help but feel sympathetic before you wrestle that feeling back down. he wasn’t sympathetic for you— why should you be for him?
you look at him for a moment longer, taking in his appearance. he looks fine, and that angers you just the slightest bit more.
“look, i— i ken we really messed up, and sorry cannae fix tha’, but please, bonnie. a’least let us try—”
“I don’t owe you anything, mactavish.” you told him, gaze cold as you met his eyes. “and you’re right, sorry can’t fix it. nothing can fix it; so, stop trying.” you step forward, raising a hand as you point a finger into his chest.
“the four of you need to leave me the fuck alone. frankly, I couldn’t care less about how the four of you feel. about how he feels. you did what you did, believed what you believed, and now you have to live with that.”
johnny’s frown deepens as his eyes glance down at the finger you’ve got digging into his sternum.
“you deserve to feel like shit,” you tell him. “and anything you feel— how sorry you are— just know that I suffered a hundred times more in that chair, locked up in that room. so the next time you wanna watch me from outside the infirmary, or you wanna put your fucking hands on me,” your jaw is clenched, fire licking at your veins as you speak to him.
“remember what you did. remember that nothing can fix it. remember that you’re dead to me— all of you are— and that I never would’ve let that happen to any of you.”
“and I hope it hurts like hell, mactavish. I hope it eats you alive, and that you never find peace because you don’t deserve it.”
you drop your hand, your eyes still on his.
“and I hope you tell the rest of them I said that. especially him.”
you turn then, take a steadying breath, and keep walking.
soap watches you go without another word.
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“that was stupid,” the doctor chastises you, her lips pressed into a thin line as she examines your knuckles.
“you blatantly went against my one rule for you. I shouldn’t have even let you out of bed, but you’re too damn stubborn! so I thought I’d give you some grace, but there you go— leaving my iv pole in the hall. bloodying your knuckles. I should let one of the newbies patch you up,” she grumbles, her gloved hands cool against your skin.
over the time you’d spent in the infirmary, you and the doctor had formed an odd bond. it was almost as if you were friends, but she always kept things strictly professional.
but you’d catch her giving you sad glances sometimes. you knew she was upset for you, angry for you, but she would never speak on it. that was okay with you.
it was enough to know that someone was on your side.
“sorry, doc. it’s not like it was planned,” you tell her, and her eyes flick up to meet yours. the look on your face told her everything she needed to know.
she didn’t push the topic. instead, she finished patching you up in silence. wrapping your knuckles in bandages, she gave them one last once-over before sending you on your way.
“kicking me out?” you asked her, raising your eyebrows.
she nodded, her eyes scanning the chart in her hands.
“if you’re okay enough to throw a punch, i think you’re okay enough to return to your quarters. unless you want to stay,” she says, and its unspoken, but you know what she’s implying.
unless you want to stay behind that door, guarded from the 141. unless you don’t want to go back to your quarters and see it as you’d left it before they’d tied you up.
unless it would be too painful to leave.
you shook your head. “im good. thank you, doc. really.”
the doctor gave a small smile and nodded. “of course. you’re due back in a week for a check up, alright? I need to check on those bruises and mending bones.”
you nod and give her a smile that doesn’t reach your eyes. “wouldn’t miss it.”
she bids you goodbye before turning and disappearing behind a white curtain. you inhale deeply before heading for the door.
when you step into the hallway, it’s quiet. you pass through base with relative ease, quickly slipping past anyone you come across in the halls.
you don’t see any of the 141, and you’re grateful. you couldn’t handle another interaction with them today— and you didn’t know how much longer you could remain civil.
once you reached your door, you pushed into the dusty darkness of the room. it’d been a while since you’d been in here, and although you were glad to finally be free of the smell and sounds of the infirmary, you weren’t particularly happy to be back in this room.
this room, which was down the hall from the rest of the 141.
this room, which held memorabilia of your time with your team.
this room, which you swore still smelled like simon.
you grit your teeth, willing yourself to stop thinking about him. he was fucking everywhere, and you were starting to believe you’d never be free of him and the 141.
your memories. your pain. your scars. no matter how much you healed and moved on from what happened, it would always be there in the back of your mind. it would sneak up on you when you least expected it; it would haunt your dreams at night.
it would leave you waking up screaming for mercy.
it would keep you untrusting for the years to come.
you flicked on the light and scanned the room. it had been upended, clothes strewn across the floor and picture frames shattered.
in the midst of it all, a vase of long dead flowers sits atop your desk.
there’s a little note hanging off the vase. against your better judgement, you reach for it. the paper feels scratchy against your fingers, and the scribbled pencil inside seems the tiniest bit faded.
your eyes scan the note.
‘You were right.
Hope you can understand.’
— sr
you pick up the vase and throw it against the wall. glass shatters. dead flowers fall to the floor.
your knees give out and you crumple to the floor, sitting amidst reminders of once was.
you let yourself cry for the first time in a while.
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frostbitesjc · 2 years ago
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#warning this is a vent in the tags#i’m so fucking tired but not in the physical way and for some reason i started crying which i hardly ever do#and even though i’ve barely done anything in the past few weeks i feel so fucking overwhelmed and im so done#i just want everything to stop i cant go through any of this anymore#i’m sick and tired of school of my life of everything#i was just overthinking my scoliosis problem which i recently realised was worse than i thought and i’m so angry at my mom and myself#because i could’ve just fuckijg put on a back brace as a kid and be done with it#but when we first went to the doctor. i was either 13/14. my mom went do you really want to wear a back brace. they’re bulky and ugly#I WAS A CHILD. OF COURSE I SAID NO WHY WOULD I SAY YES WHEN YOU WERE SPEAKING TO ME LIKE THAT#and to be fair i’m angry i’m mad it’s not just her fault it’s also mine for letting it get worse but now it’s so noticeable#and i don’t even know what degree it is#it’s not severe i’m not in pain but it’s noticeable like one side of my waist is more curved than the other#and i hate it i hate my life i hate everything i’m not suicidal i don’t want to die but right now. god#i don’t want to wake up tomorrow#maybe in the morning i’ll wake up realising that i’m just being emotional and go on with me day#maybe not#but i’ve been feeling like absolute jacks hit for the past few weeks and i genuinely cant do this right now#it’s like. my life it’s a failure im a failure what the fuck am i good for#i fail socially i fail academically i fail as a daughter as a sister as a friend#and now im typing this out in fucking tumblr of all places at 2am in the morning having to wake up in 4-5hours and i just know the#sleep deprivation is going to make everything worse tomorrow#but i feel so shitty right now that it’s so difficult to think that tomorrow might be worse#it probably will be considering my life. i’m so tired#i wish i was smarter and prettier and better in general at everything tbh but no i’m a socially anxious wreck with less than 10 friends#to my name and i fail every exam i take and my a levels are this year#mcts have kicked my ass into gear at least but only barely because i still procrastinate like a little bitch#i cant i genuinely cant#whatever. goodnight#frostbitesjc thinks out loud
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mejomonster · 2 years ago
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hate panic attacks think they’re possibly the worst experience inside
#rant#i just. they dont end until They end#i am thinking in retrospect that pre life for some awful reason i made a plan to have my body Fighting To Kill me from birth#and like. thats traumatizing and all but not The worst in the sense im used to it#but then panic attacks? god the Only way to make them end is to kill myself#how fucked up. i can breathe i can do everything right but they will STILL go on for 15 minutes to 2 hours no matter how well i cope#so some time sensitive shit happens like fix X NOW or worse happens or talk to doctor NOW to save ur life in hospital#or ur in public NOW and cant escape for 20 minutes it takes to exit public#and its like. okay so i just wont have any brain function for problem solving for 15 min to 2 hours#ill be sobbing hyperventilating shaking and have no problem solving ability for THAT LONG#i feel so helpless. i hate knowing i COULD solve it and fix it and take care of myself but NOPE#brain hit the panic attack mini stroke button jesus christ. so now for 2 hours or less i will be a useless mess#and cannot solve anything or help myself beyond trying to ignore the suicidal impulses.#like at Best i can keep my body breathing and unharmed during a panic attack if ALL goes WELL#but i can't do anything else like drive. like pay a bill. like chat through a problem. like calmly BREATHE#like even explain whats going on cause my entire rational brain is just completely offline while im in literal hell#a panic attack is so awful god i hate them i hate them i dont have words to describe#ive been dying in hospital plenty of times and like enough pure rage and stress is traumatizing for sure#but at least im so angry to survive i can problem solve#but a panic attack? even if i get angry i cant problem solve i just start trying to physically kill myself to make it end#cause illogical panic brain thinks the only way to fix the panic problem is be dead#since like. it is not a fixable problem. its a thing you ride out until its over.
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catsharkie · 10 months ago
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what if ds9 had tumble
capsisko
the wormhole :) 
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i-identify-starships-in-posts follow
klingon bird of prey, cloaked.
capsisko
?
(2373 notes)
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skrainfanboy5997notdukat follow
Gul Dukat did nothing wrong.
wormzallday
f
juuuuulian
u
(9208 notes)
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miles-edward-obrien
I thought I had work today, but no, the time loop.
(0 notes)
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ziyart 
STATUS UPDATE, I WON THE ART COMPETITION! 
#THERE WAS NO ONE ELSE IN THE COMPETITION!
(9 notes)
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kiranerys
If another thing breaks on this station i swear to the prophets
kiranerys 
the replicator just sent someone to the infirmary. our doctor is running on negative 60 hours of sleep at least
kiranerys
i just want a raktajino
kiranerys
@miles-edward-obrien get your ass in here
(23 notes)
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sponsored 
come to quarks, quarks is fun, come right now, don’t walk, run!
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miles-edward-obrien
I thought I had work today, but no, the time loop.
(0 notes)
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juuuuulian
no sleep for 55 hours and counting!
juuuuulian
56 hours and counting!
juuuuulian
57 hours!
juuuuulian
where is miles
wormzallday
julian please
(7 notes)
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n0gg
ah yes. me. my bestie. and his 50k word fanfic draft.
jakeosaurus
YOU asked ME if you could beta
n0gg
its funnier if i blame you
#lol
(93 notes)
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juuuuulian
no sleep for 55 hours and counting!
juuuuulian
56 hours and counting!
juuuuulian
57 hours!
juuuuulian
where is miles
(7 notes)
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ziyart
MY FRIENDS TOLD ME I CAN TYPE IN ALL CAPS!
# IM NEVER GOING TO TALK IN LOWERCASE EVER AGAIN!
(3 notes)
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miles-edward-obrien
I thought I had work today, but no, the time loop.
(0 notes)
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garaksclothiers
So many accusations in my inbox! You people certainly are creative.
odododo
I know you’ve killed before. You’ve barely tried to hide it
garaksclothiers
Oh? You hate me and my whimsy?
odododo 
I’m going to make a callout document on you.
(12 notes)
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jakeosaurus
if the voles had subspace i think it would look like this
skittering-002
i love being in conduits undisturbed
pittering-pattering follow
I CAST PLASMA BEAM 10000 DEATHS
skittering-002
AHHHHH
(201 tiny notes)
the-scuttler
scuttling
the scuttler
easy website
(10032 tiny notes)
n0gg
the station is under attack stop vole blogging
jakeosaurus
do you think skittering-002 and pittering-pattering were in love
(38 notes)
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deepspacenineofficial
Apologies for the high pitched whining! Our shields are activated, we are currently under attack. There is also an ion storm passing through.
miles-edward-obrien
If I get stuck in a time vortex again I swear to god
miles-edward-obrien
FUCK
(203 notes)
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deepspacenineofficial
Apologies for the high pitched whining! Our shields are activated, we are currently under attack. There is also an ion storm passing through.
miles-edward-obrien
If I get stuck in a time vortex again I swear to god
(203 notes)
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jakeosaurus
if the voles had subspace i think it would look like this
skittering-002
i love being in conduits undisturbed
pittering-pattering follow
I CAST PLASMA BEAM 10000 DEATHS
skittering-002
AHHHHH
(201 tiny notes)
the-scuttler
scuttling
the scuttler
easy website
(10032 tiny notes)
(38 notes)
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n0gg
wormzallday
i really wish women were real
(1348 notes)
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kiranerys
guldukat follow
#YES
(1024766 notes)
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