#so much pain and it 2am and im so tired

[kindaasrikal]

Hc that Cole gets horrible stomach aches for a variety of reasons and it leaves him wallowing away in misery in his bed with a hot water bottle on his stomach not even being able to eat

Kai is often used as said water bottle and every time it happens Cole makes him promise he won’t tell anyone about his pain and Kai swears he won’t. But Kai that mf had his finger crossed and typing Zane as they speak. Five minutes later Zane has put together what might be causing the stomach pains and a solution.

If it takes a while for the solution to kick in and get rid of the pains, Jay, Nya and Lloyd all switch on who would be entertaining Cole. Whenever Cole is awake and feeling like he wants to do something but literally can’t because of the pain, they send in Jay who watches shows and theorises with Cole.

When Cole is tired and is in a serious need of sleep they send in Lloyd to nap with him because he is seriously the best cuddle buddy you can squeeze him and he will squeeze back. And when Cole is awake and bored but tired at the same time, they send in Nya to have the most meaningless but sweet conversations about nothing and everything, sometimes even sitting in silence.

Zane join in at random just to keep company and make sure Cole’s stomach isn’t about to eat him instead, and Kai is there the whole time silently laying on Cole’s stomach in complete bliss.

Wu has to keep reminding them that he has magic teas for these problems.

[cali]

darkraiiiiii

[phagodyke]

had a very weird dream the place I worked was in the marine exploration industry and I was presenting a review of a deep sea probe we were retiring and then woke up extremely abruptly bc my body started digging my uterus out with a million tiny blunt spoons YOWIEEEEOWWW

[sturn5iolo]

MY BOY ONLY BREAKS HIS FAVORITE TOYS

synopsis: for some reason matt has been acting strange, all you want to know is if he’s okay but of course it has to backfire.

pairing: matt sturniolo x f! reader

warnings: unresolved angst , use of y/n , !!matt is very VERY mean in this!!!

you and matt are perfect for each other…well that’s what you thought. it’s currently 2am and you wait on the couch. matt has been out since 12pm, he just left without telling you where he was going. just a simple, “i’ll be back.”

recently matt has been giving you the cold shoulder. it was like one day he woke up and decided to not talk to you as much. you moved in with the triplets 2 years into your relationship with matt.

while siting in the living room, you hear the door open. “hi baby.” you say as matt walks in. he looks at you and silently says “hey.”

matt moves towards the kitchen and drops his stuff at the table, you get up and trail behind him. “i left the rest of the food in the fridge if you want some.” matt runs his hands through his hair and walks farther away from you, “nah im good, i already ate.”

you follow him into your shared room, “did you? where did you go today?” his back stays facing you but on his face he rolls his eyes, “nowhere.” matt says bluntly. “well clearly you did because you were out so long?!” you scoff out at him annoyed with his attitude.

“why do you care. it’s not like your my fucking mom.” matt says facing you, “but i’m your girlfriend.” you say softly. matt laughs in your face and turns around to the bathroom, “unfortunately.” he mumbles quietly, but still loud enough for you to hear.

before matt can close the bathroom door on you, you push it open, “what did you just say?” you ask feeling like your heart was ripped out of you. “nothing,” he pauses “now can you get out?”

your in disbelief that he is even saying this to you, his own girlfriend. “what is your problem matthew?”

matt looks at you and opens his mouth, “you are y/n! your the problem. i’m so tired of you, always fucking nagging me and being all up in my business, treating me like a fucking kid.” your chest felt a pain, like you were being stabbed a thousand times. did he really think of you like that?

tears formed in your eyes, blurring your vision of him, “i’m sorry matt, i didn’t mean to make you feel like that.” you tell him with your bottom lip quivering. “yeah well you did so..” he says coldly.

“why are you talking to me like that matt? im your girlfriend?! i fucking live with you!” you plead out with wet tears running down your face. “yeah well i didn’t ask for that y/n. who invited you to live with us? ‘cause i don’t remember it being me.” matt says to you, leaving you speechless. “yeah y/n, coming in my home and being completely useless.”

you storm away into your shared room, “walk away and cry like you always do!” matt yells at you and slams the bathroom door. the second your body hits the mattress all you want to do is melt into it, the feeling of your own boyfriend saying those words to you felt like being stabbed in the heart over and over again. you pull your knees into your chest, and feel your shoulders shake up and down due to the sobs being let out.

using all your strength, you get up and grab the nearest bag. packing almost all your stuff as fast as you can. moments of doing this pass by like a blink of an eye, and suddenly you hear the bathroom door open.

“what are you doing?” a familiar voice asks you, but you already knew it was matt. “what do you think?” you snap back, still shoving as much clothes as you can into the bags. matt stood back and watched you in silence.

as you try to step out matt stands in the doorway, “move.” you tell more than ask him, but he doesn’t budge. “matt, move out the way.” you try saying again, but yet he doesn’t do anything. you try pushing him but again nothing happens. being frustrated you start pushing and hitting his chest, tears rush down your face in a snap of a finger. “move matt! please move!” you scream at him.

matt grabs your two hands and pushes them down, pulling you into an embrace. you sob in his arms, “please let me go.” you whisper, “im sorry.” matt says into your ear, showing no signs of letting you out of his arms.

“just let me go.”

a/n : sorry guys this is lowk ass…im sorry for no updates on anything, ive had 0 motivation due to my break up </3 but im slowly getting better! ily all

[ifimdreaming]

blurb!

I cant sleep

jack hughes x reader || fluff

summary: jack wakes you up at 2am becasue he cant sleep an wants mcdonalds lol

word count: 0.6k

-

Jack tossed and turned beside you, reaching over to the nightstand to check his phone for the fourth time in the past 10 minutes. You tried desperately to ignore him, being way too tired and annoyed to tell him off. You also knew that if Jack knew you were awake he would take every opportunity to keep you awake.

Not even two minutes later Jack is sitting up in bed and you look at him confused with squinted eyes and your head still on the pillow, not wanting to lose your sleepiness. 

He begins ripping his shirt off and loudly starts fluffing his pillow, punching and throwing it on the bed repeatedly, clearly uncomfortable with how it was before. You groan slightly in annoyance and Jack turns his head to look at you.

“Oh you're awake too?” He turns to face you and lifts the pieces of hair that are covering your face so he can see if your eyes are open.

“Well I am now. Literally how could I be asleep with all the noise you're making?” you huff and turn your body to face the other way, away from jack.

“I can't sleep...” 

You feel poking at your side after staying silent, trying your hardest to ignore the irritating boy beside you.

“...Hello? Did you fall asleep again?” Jack says as he continues poking your back.

You grab his hand to stop him and kick his leg under the covers. 

“OW!”

You reach over and grab your phone, checking the time. “Jack, go back to bed its almost 2:30 in the morning!” he looks at you with furrowed brows and grips his leg, dramatically emphasizing the pain, which makes you crack a smile and laugh.

“Go. to. bed.” you sit up in bed and hold his face in your hands trying not to laugh, “im serious.” you add, trying to get your point across but he just chuckles in response, clearly seeing you fighting back your own laughter.

“I can't. I'm hungry and I really need mcdonalds.” he says as you reach over to turn the lamp on, reluctantly giving up on getting much sleep tonight. 

He looks at you and pouts his lip, and you just roll your eyes in return. You knew you'd be giving in but it was funny to watch him get so worked up about it.

“Pleeaase come with me?” jack says and pulls you in closer beside him. You sit up more and he lifts your leg over him so you are now sitting up on his lap, facing him.

“Please?” he says as he leans in to place a soft kiss against your lips. 

“Hmmm… I dont know. I think I need a little more convincing.” you say as you scooch closer to his chest and place your arms on his shoulders, wrapping your hands around his neck.

“Oh yeah?” Jack leans in and leaves gentle kisses along your jaw and down your neck. He picks a spot along your collarbone and leaves marks that will definitely last for at least a few days.

“How bout now?” he lifts his head to look at you but you push it back down to your neck. 

“Come with me?” he says leaning up again and you reluctantly open your eyes, not wanting him to have stopped.

“Mm fine I suppose” you reply, and he flashes you a big smile.

“But this continues when we get back, yeah?” 

“Of course.” He says and places one last kiss on your lips, moving his hands back and forth along your thighs.

“Well lets go then hungry boy” you laugh out as you begin to climb off his lap.

“I'll get the keys!” Jack says and basically pushes you off of him so he can get dressed and get in the car as fast as possible. Leaving you laughing hysterically and scrambling to keep up with him.

-

-

[whywhaatt]

"hey i'm bored" (isaacwhy x reader)

-

word count: 2.028

warnings: smut, unprotected sex, hand kink(kinda), degrading, light choking

a/n: this is my first fic😜 i didnt proof read it yet so hopefully i didn't misspell anything too badly

-

10 hours. 10 hours of sitting at this desk and playing on my computer. I've gone through almost every app or game that I have downloaded. I've checked every social media, watched the newest uploads of my friends, and I even read a random wikipedia article. It's around 2am now. I need to go to sleep. After turning off my computer, and taking my headset off and hanging it on the monitor, I walk towards my bed and grab my phone from my nightstand.

1:59 AM... god damn. I gotta fix my sleep schedule. Nahhh I know I won't. The lack of sleep is kicking in, it feels like 5 minutes go by of me just staring at my lock screen. Turns out it was just 30 seconds cus my phone automatically turned off. It takes me a minute to realize it, but the only reason I do is cus a notification pops up.

"wassup" - isaac💀

tf... it's 2am?!? Why is he texting me?

~

isaac: wassup

me: heyy

isaac: sorry it's late. im bored

me: bro i just laid down💀💀

isaac: can i come over? larry and tanner and annoying tf outa me rn

me: telling them you said that🗣️🗣️

isaac: bro pls. ion know if it's cus im tired but y'know how it is. i just need to get out of the house

me: yeah ion care, just let me know when you're here

isaac: bet

~

That was random, I guess Isaac's coming over now. He's been over before, but not like this. What if something happens? I'm probably just over thinking this. Am I shaved? Yeah, I'll be fine.

~

isaac: i'm here😜

isaac: weird emoji sorry

~

"Thanks for letting me come over, I needed to get out of the house" Isaac said, sitting down on my couch.

"Honestly, if I with all of those people I would have to leave all the time. So glad I live alone".

"Yeah well, I love them. It would be weird being away from them after this long of dealing with their shit." Isaac said, "So, what are we going to do"? I didn't think about that. I kinda just panicked for 10 minutes while he was driving here.

"I don't know, we could watch a movie or something?" I ask while tossing him the remote, "Move over, this isn't your apartment. I wanna sit". I sat down not too far away, but Isaac scutched closer and wrapped his free arm around me. His other hand had the remote in it, just scrolling through shit on Hulu.

"YO YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING CHAINSAW MAN"

"GOD ISAAC I HAVE NEIGHBORS"

"Oh shit sorry, I love Chainsaw Man. Have you seen me wearing that mask. I look so good in it man, look here I'll show you-". I had to cut him off.

"Isaac, I've seen the photo like 20 times. As much as I love how you look in it, I'm not looking at it again."

"Shut up and look at it" He holds my chin, forcing me to look at the picture on his phone. Damn. He is hot. I'm speechless. The fact his hand can easily grab my face like this, I wonder what else they can do. Looking up at him, my cheeks start to get hot a little bit. This eye contact is painful. I need this to go to more. My hand goes to the back of his neck, our faces slowly inching towards eachother. There's a pause, almost like we realized what is happening.

I close the distance. Just a light kiss, short and simple, but we both need more. Immediately, Isaac's hand pulls me in.

"God.. I-I need... you" I moan in between kisses. Isaac pulls back, and I whine at the loss of contact.

"What?"

"I can't tell if I'm just tired, but I need you so badly. Please Isaac." I am begging. BEGGING. For this man.

"You're so pathetic." He says right before kissing me again, this time more passionately, and his hand moving towards my neck. He squeezes softly, making sure it wasn't too much for me. I'm a moaning mess.

"Do you want to move to your bed?" Isaac questions before picking me up bridal style and carrying me towards my bedroom. My arms are wrapped around his neck while I'm looking up at him. I'm just looking at his eyes, he's so beautiful. He sets me down by the foot of me bed, so I'm standing with my arms around his neck. I always knew he was taller than me, but the height different is crazy. He looks twice my height, and he's still bending over to kiss me.

"Baby, go lay down. I'll take care of you". I almost moaned when I heard that. The things I would let this man do to me is insane, ever since I've met him the list has been getting longer and longer.

I'm laying down my bed, when suddenly my feet are pulled and my legs are dangling off the side. Isaac takes his sweet time pulling down my Nike shorts, teasing me slightly over my panties. I need him to hurry up and get straight to the point cus this is unbearable. Again, he slowly takes off my panties and just barely touches my pussy. The tiniest bit of contact makes me shiver and whine for more.

And like that, Isaac's eyes look up at me as he starts eating me out. He keeps looking and studying my every reaction until he gets the one he wants out of me. Remember when I asked what his hands could do? Well, I found out. As his tongue is focused on my clit, he slowly puts two fingers into my hole. I have to cover my mouth with my hand so I don't scream.

With his fingers thrusting in and out of me and his tongue working wonders on my clit, I know I won't last long like this. My eyes are stuck shut, with one hand over my mouth and the other holding his hair back. My thighs are practically crushing Isaac's head at this point.

"Isaac, I cant" I'm panting in between moans, "I'm so close". As I finish my sentence, everything stops. I whine and whimper, needing more stimulation.

Isaac moves from below my torso to standing at the foot of my bed. He slips his shirt over his head, leans down and puts me back into the spot I was before. Then continues to undress himself right before me. His body is gorgeous. I cant stop staring at him as he gets on top of me, kissing me softly. I can taste myself on his lips.

He breaks the kiss and slides my shirt over my head, exposing my chest. The cold air hit me all of a sudden, making me shiver for a little bit. It feels weird to be fully exposed to Isaac. The closest we've ever gotten to this is almost kissing on New Year's, but we both realized we've just had a little too much to drink and we backed off. I guess Isaac notices me thinking, cus he stops everything and looks down at me.

"Babe, you okay? You can tell me to stop at anytime, I want you to be comfortable" he says, it was the most serious he's sounded all night (well I guess morning). "We can stop if you'd like, I'm sorry I rushed all of this-"

"No keep going, I just got lost in my thought. Thank you for caring for me, Isaac." I pause my sentence to kiss his lips softly, "I'm having a good time". Isaac nodded and continued kissing my neck, leaving little marks every now and again. His hand creeped up, massaging my left breast, and his mouth making his way towards my right. When his tongue made contact with my nipple, I let out a slight moan and let my eyes close softly. My brain feels fuzzy, probably from the lack of sleep, but I love it. It feels like I'm high, but in the cringy "high on life" way.

"I have a condom in my nightstand" I blurt out, "but I'm on the pill so if you don't have anything you can go without it". His head perks up from my chest, looking almost as excited as a kid in a candy store.

"Really?" he asks excitedly. Yup, exactly like a kid. I nod my head yes and Isaac immediately moves to get himself into position. He lines himself up, looking up at me in my eyes, and slowly inserts himself into me. Both of our mouths fly open, releasing a string of moans and whines. Isaac was bigger than I expected, but he feels so good inside of me.

After a couple of second of staying still so I can get used to his size, Isaac starts to move. My hands move to hold on to Isaac's shoulders as he slowly moves in and out of me. I push his head down to kiss me to try and muffle my moans, but it barely does anything.

"Faster, please, please go faster" I beg, with our faces so close we're practically sharing breathes. His pace speeds up and my head relaxes back into the pillow. I can feel myself getting closer and closer by the second.

The room is filled with random moans or praises from either one of us, not being able to hear anything else. If Isaac didn't wake my neighbors earlier, then they're definitely awake now. Honestly, I could care less if I get a noise complaint.

"Isaac- Oh my- I'm- I'm getting close" I moan out between breathes. His hand moves from behind me to my neck, lightly choking me. My mouth flies open from the new pressure on my neck. Isaac, seeing the opportunity, takes over my mouth. Inserting his tongue and immediately dominates my mouth. I'm being so loud right now, and I don't care.

"Isaac, I'm about to- I'm 'bout to cum. Please Isaac. Oh my god please." I gasp out with the air I have.

"Do it. Cum for me, baby. You're so amazing" Isaac moans into my ear, loosening his grip on my neck a little. My nails digging so far into his back, they could leave scars. My head flies back, eyes rolling to the back of my head, and toes curl. A wave of pleasure rolls over my body as I cum with Isaac still going inside of me.

"Just a little bit more, baby, hold on for me. Please baby, you're doing so good for me." Isaac lets out as his hand lets go to steady himself on the bed, getting the pace back to how he needs it. While overstimulated, I try my best to hold tight for Isaac.

He's close. I can tell. Not too much longer, Isaac comes inside of me. All of his body weight crushed on top of me, feeling like a weighted blanket. A wave of praises came out of Isaac as he caught his breathe.

"Let's get you cleaned up"

-

After we took a very, very long and slow shower together, we laid down in bed together just cuddling.

"The house is asking where I'm at, Imma tell them I'm staying here for the night if thats okay with you" Isaac asks.

"Yeah, it's perfectly fine." I reply, "Random question, well two actually."

"Hit me."

"Okay so one: did you mean for this to end up like this? And was this technically a booty call or whatever?"

"Okay, first off I'm not liked that. But I realize it looks like it. Nah, I just wanted to hang out with you. It was just one of those late night and I'm bored situations"

"Okay, great, umm and two: what does this make us now?"

"Wow, umm.. hard question. I don't know. What do you want to be?"

"Maybe more than friends, I really like you Isaac." I confess, just staring into his eyes through the dark. He leans in and kisses me.

"Will you be with me?"

a/n: i hope you liked this:P my requests are currently open so make sure to leave some if you have any!!

[sharksandjays]

First and only public diary thing ill do cuz i want to inspire some people to fight.

Its 2am rn. Im tired. Im hurt. If i think too much ill cry. I remember past relationships and experiences and i get bitter and i hurt and i get annoyed. I remember past homes and i cry and remember the safety they promised. I remember past words said to me, past hits and things done to me that ill never erase the marks or the touch on my skin from. Ever. I remember the mean words spoken to me just yesterday. Its hard. Its so hard to live.

But guys. I have a semi big following so i want to use it to inspire. Im having a hard time but im fighting. You should fight too. Be proud of yourself. Be proud to stand up for yourself. Find the little things to be happy for. I see my girlfriend in a month, im hopefully going to a mother mother concert w my gf, that new batman issue comes out in a week, i really really like to draw!

And when worst comes to worst, think about your future. Stop thinking about whats happened and look ahead. Be the change you want. Take your pain and fight for health. I want a new family. So you know what? Im gonna get up and go fucking find one. I want independence. Im going to fucking fight for it. I am going to do anything i can to stand up in a few years and be me and be happy.

I am a warrior, its literally in my name. And I will not fall to the hands of those who have hurt me. I will not let posts or comments or remarks discourage me, tempt me, or mock me.

I will win this fucking war. Its 2am and i will fight!

[actualbird]

hiya zak!!! it's 2am and i can't stop thinking about it- but if you had the chance to write how luke gets cured of his illness in canon, how would you do it? (eg. via "surgery, but there's risks"/"oh we found a magical anecdote to your illness, yippee!...etc etc)

hiya "anon" hehe >:3c!!!! first off, thank you for this ask cuz it's super interesting. my answer to this is rather specific and looks bad at first but Trust Me and hear me out on this alright

if i had the chance to write how luke gets cured, i wouldnt make him 100% cured. medically (and this is very vague because im not a doctor), i would make it so that maybe new medication or a new treatment plan is found that makes his illness no longer terminal, but chronic. the new treatment has to be taken regularly as maintenance, along with regular diagnostic tests like EEGs and regular check ups with aaron. the new treatment would also come with a lot of side effects like mood swings, fatigue, nausea, etc.

basically: i dont want him to be cured, but i obviously dont want him to die. however, i want him to have to fight this for the rest of his long life.

it'll be an arduous process, one that never ends, but one he has to get through. and one he dedicates himself to do every day, because it's worth it, because it's worth life,

because he's worth life.

why do i want this? well, first off, it's because i'd love to see more chronic physical illness representation in fiction. it's not always clear cut with illnesses, and sometimes there Isnt a grand cure and it's more like an endless slog of maintenance

second off, i will repeat something i said in a previous ask i answered about luke's illness, but a sudden and 100% cure feels like a too-neat deus ex machina to me, narratively. his illness has been shown to be as Very lethal and Very painful and Very hard to treat, so for all of that to suddenly go away, well....the writing would feel a tad cheap to me if it were that easy.

and third off, because it'd fit well with the themes of luke's stories and luke's character

actually, let me go back to that previous ask i linked because im gonna copy paste a whole lot from it HAHA since my view hasnt changed since i wrote it. in that last ask i say:

in general with stories, i am less drawn to super neat resolutions and im more drawn to resolutions that are more like “and things werent perfect and they never will be, there will always be problems, but our characters will be okay and theyll keep getting better and better, and it’s in this push and pull of struggle and learning and progress and getting through where their happiness lies” ever since luke was a kid, even before he developed his condition, hes had the fear of being a burden to his loved ones. and when he does get his terminal condition, this fear is worsened and he starts to see his existence in other people’s lives as a whole as a burden of pain and grief that isnt worth the trouble. and…i dunno, i just like the idea of him continuing to live but also continuing to have these problems that still spark fear inside of him and still take so much work to manage every day. and out of habit, he braces himself for pain, not just for the kind his condition gives him but from Life because Surely, His Loved Ones Will Get Tired Of All Of This, Of Him and The Problems He Comes With, Right? but surprise surprise, they dont. because they care about him. because this should not and is not a dealbreaker for them continuing to care about him. aaron creates treatment thats more on the preventative maintenance meds angle so luke doesnt have to just wait for a pain episode to pop up and then dry swallow painkillers every time. it’s not infallible , but sometimes luke can have hours, even a whole a day sometimes where the pain hes bracing himself for doesnt come. mc always reminds luke to take his meds whenever luke gets too busy or caught up in a case. he worries at first that it’s an inconvenience to her for her to have to remember his routines for him just in case, but that worry becomes quieter as luke realizes she reminds him in the same tone as she says “good morning” or “have you had lunch yet? wanna join me?”, just this casual and loving thing thats now integrated into both their lives the team are always ready to help too in their own way. when luke gets a pain episode in hq, marius offers distraction in the form of idle chatter on (harmless) internal pax gossip while luke waits for his painkillers to dull down the stinging. when luke feels uncomfortable tingling crawling across his whole body while out with vyn, vyn subtly helps luke move from a crowded area to a quieter one where outside stimuli cant further overwhelm luke’s senses. when it’s a bad grip strength day and all luke wants to do is punch something and fuck his useless hands up even more, artem tells luke about custom silicone grips that exist for things like pens or knives or such and that they could look for some next time they go shopping. it is not perfect. but luke’s life, even with the pain, is still worth living. everybody is trying to help and eventually, luke learns how to start helping him self along with them too.

in summary: i think luke is a fighter. i do wish he had less battles to fight, but one battle that is important for him to fight is the fight to believe that he is worth living and worth joy in spite of it all

so if i had my way, i'd write him having to manage his illness for the rest of his life

and i'd also write him having a full and happy life while doing that anyway

thank you for the ask!! :'D

[1nternetangelz]

hihi !! new account because i& lost my& last one , but i&ll get straight to the point . this might get into vent territory so i&ll cut it off just in case !!

i& am in debilitating pain 24 / 7 . i& have a high heart rate + high blood pressure , and my& joints always hurt . my& toes , ankles , knees , hips , entire back , shoulders , traps + neck , and the base of my& skull always hurt , with my& sensitive areas being knees , hips , and neck .

along with this , i& am always fatigued . i& wake up around 10 and go to bed around 8 [ when i& can ] , and am never able to fight off my& tired feeling .

after almost two years and two canes later , my& mother brought me& to the doctor . i& go , do my& physical , get my& blood + urine drawn the next week for every test BUT the one i& thought they'd do [ a crp for inflammation ] , and i& go home and wait .

nothing . they said i& was sick , on my& period [ blood in urine ] , and dehydrated , and nothing else .

now everyone in my& house is acting like im crazy .

i& dont know what to do , and every time i& think about it , i& cry . two years of waiting for ... nothing . i& cant stand without support , i& was kicked out of band for my& inability to march correctly , and i& cant go up / down the stairs without falling .

it hurts . living hurts . my& partner and friends are the only ones who believe me& and my& family is treating it like its all in my head , that im& working myself up over nothing . that life is supposed to be like this .

it isnt , something in me& KNOWS its not . something in me& knows that this is not normal , and every time someone says that they go even a few minutes without pain i& just want to curl up and cry .

standing hurts right now , laying down hurts right now . i& barely have enough energy to make this post because my& fingers are cramping and i&m so fucking tired . its 2am , way past when i& sleep , and i&m up crying because i&m in so much pain .

i& just need advice , feel free to scroll .

[the-whispers-of-death]

AHHSGHD pleasantly surprised that the random loosely connected thoughts are well received lmao, considering the way i write is all over the place and very very loosey goosey (esp at 2am... which was the time i sent that ask in)

anyways the thoughts be thoughting right now and. hm. yknow the whole concept of "human ascends into godhood"? what if that happened to mafia!reader? that'd be a cool concept to play around with i think

maybe this happens after criminal!stone has already gotten overly attached to reader and basically worships him as is. and then the reader doesnt show up in the office space of the compound one morning... strange, right?

maybe stone kicks down the door after not getting any response, just barely hearing pained gasps. probably thinks this is like a heart attack, with reader sweating and clutching at his body.

i feel like the transformation is painful. its unnatural, it isnt *supposed* to happen to humans. to *anyone*

maybe reader made like a deal with a demon, maybe it was some other forces. or maybe its a sick type of revenge by the ghosts that haunt him daily. but no matter whats the cause, it *hurts* and it *burns* and its completely changing the body and the mind.

maybe reader is rushed to the medbay on the property. maybe *nothing* is helping, nothing is going the way it should, no painkillers can help, they cant even put him in a medical coma to soothe the pain that way

maybe it last a day, a week. month, maybe? doesnt really matter. but during this time, reader changes so much hes unrecognizable.

im fond of the idea of reader maybe being around 5'9ish, so stone is the taller one. but that suddenly changing after this. what if hes ridiculously tall after this. 7 feet, maybe? i dunno.

how do we feel about hooves? fangs and claws? maybe a tail and horns? just small changes to the body to symbolize the loss of his humanity. reader cant easily hide this now, so he has to face it head on. face that he now stands out *so* much in a crowd. face how the reflection isnt *him* anymore

id love to know how stone would feel, but i struggle to get into his mind in this scenario. guilt, maybe? i mean, yeah, probably guilt. he cant do anything! his dearly beloved is in inhuman amounts of pain and he cant do anything!

the existence of godhood implies magic, and magic implies a LOT of fun stuff. maybe reader uses a cloaking spell to at least *look* human. to look like how he used to. but like all magic, its draining. even gods get tired. it takes a lot more for it to happen, but it still does

in short what im saying is hurt/comfort but taken to the next level. how does our dearly beloved worshiper comfort a *god*? what works? what *helps*? massaging the base of the horns? oh fuck nope thats a growl directed at him, onto the next thing we go.

maybe reader turns the entire compound into his temple, all of the goons his worshipers, but stone at the very forefront of it all? yeah. YEAHHH i like that a lot actually

idk i just think humans becoming inhuman is neat :) esp when its awful and suffering-inducing :3

~ xoxo, rusty (he/him)

These were truly such an amazing, magical thoughts to read. Forget Criminal!Stone worshipping Mafia Boss!Reader, I'm worshipping you.

Criminal!Stone would still worship you, hell he'd be like "Your newly divine form is testament to the fact that you were, are, and will always be a god." It was painful to watch you go through that transformation and not be able to do anything, but now he's working on ways to become an even better worshipper.

Stone figures out how to comfort you in this divine form, he ensures the compound, your temple, is taken care of and is fit for the god you are. He ensures the rest of your followers (your goons) are just as reverent as he is, that they stay in line. No one dares to oppose you now.

And he adores how you're taller than him now.

[chososcamgirl]

HIHIHI SIGMA ALPHA IYA‼️🤗 SOOO ERMM SORRY FOR DISAPPEARING FOR TWO DAYS… I HAVE A LOT OF TESTS THIS WEEK SO I GOT RLLY BUSY 😢😢 I HOPE YR HAVING A VERY SIGMA DAY 🔥🔥 IM GONNA TRY AND MAKE THIS CHECKUP RLLY FIRE TO MAKE UP FOR THE PAST TWO DAYSS

ITS OKAY POOPIE I COULD NEVER BE MAD AT U 🤗💗‼️ WERE BOTH IN THIS TG.. we are A PACK… I HOPE YOUVE BEEN TAKING GOOD BREAKS THO‼️ BEING BUSY IS SO DRAINING SO MAKE SURE TO GET LOADS OF REST TOOO 🐺🙏💪

OKOK SOOO I GOT MY TEST RESULT BACK AND I ACTUALLY KINDA COOKED⁉️⁉️ I CANT BELIEVE I DIDNT FAIL 😭😭 GLAD THO CUS THAT MEANS MY GRADES ARE STILL UP 🆙🔥💪 IM TRYING TO WORK ON A SLEEP SCHED BUT ITS SO HARDD 😢 BUT I HOPE YOUVE GOTTEN MORE SLEEP + STOPPED ACHING

ORNENRNDNF I HAVE PLANS TO DRIVE TO THE MALL WITH SOME FRIENDS AND IM SO EXCITED SINCE ITS BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WENT TO A MALL (had to restrict myself because of my HORRIBLE spending habits.. 😪😪) IM SO HAPPY WHBEBENEJEEN 💪🐺‼️🔥🤗🤗

ITS ALMOSY SJAP WEEKEND… IM SO PUMPED… KINDA SCARED THESE CHAPTERS R GONNA CRUSH ME… IYA IF WE HOOKED UP WITH SUKUNA.. 😡 HE ENEBSBENEBDB WERE GETTING INNNN THE PLOTTT IM SO EXCITEDD FOR THIS SJAP WEEKENDSDD 💪🤗🔥

THESE PAST TWO DAYS WERE NOT SKIBIDI IM LIKE BARLEY MAKING IT THRU BUT HOPEFULLY TMRW WILL BE SIGMA SINCE I HAVE PLANS WITH FRIENDS‼️🤗 I ACIDENTALLY FELL ASLEEP IN A CLASS AND MY TEACHER TOLD MY MOM WHICH RESULTED ME GETRING MY GYATT BEATEN 😢😢 I NEED TO MAKE SURE IM LOCKED IN FOR REAL REAL NOW CUS MY TEACHER IS OUT HERE TO GETTTTTT MY ASSSSS 😖😖😣😫😔😰 AND ALSO I THINK I HABE AN INGROWN TOENAIL OR SMTHING CUS LIKE IT LOWK HURT ASF BUT IT DONT LOOK LIKE IT.. MY FRIENDS WERE POINTING OUT HOW I WAS WALKING WEIRD AND JTS CUS IT HURTS LIKE HELL EVERY STEP 💔💔😩😩 SEND TIPS FOR HOW TO TREAT JT CHAT‼️🔥 I SWEARRR ITS GONNA BE THE DEATH OF MEEE 😢😢

+ ITS TECHINCALLY OCT.4 HERE (2AM) BUTTT ITS CLOSE ENOUGH TO OCT.3RD AND GUESS WHAG DAY IT WAS…. NATIONAL BF DAY (I found out thru all the stories my friends/mutuals were posting 💔) so happy national bfs day toge 😍🥰😘 PLEASE I NEED HIM SO BADDDD

M-m-mahiTOE…? *I utter in disbelief* n-no… this can’t be… iya…. How could you do this to me…. Why….?? *runs away sonbing* 😔😔 not very sigma… (OK TBHHHH.. UNDERSTANDABLE BUT I FUCKING HAtE THAT HO 😡😡😡 I’ll make an exception for you tho iya 🥰🥰😘😘💗💗

OK IK U LIVE WITH THE KANGAROOS BUT HAVE U SEEN THE ELECTION STICKER THIS YESR??? LMAO I LOVE IT SO MUCH CUS WHY IS IT LITERALLY A PIC OF MY FACE??? IF U HAVENT SEEN IT HERE https://www.nytimes.com/2024/09/05/style/michigan-i-voted-sticker-werewolf.html THATS THE LINK TO AN ARTICLE ABT IT BUT JUST LOOK AT THE PICTURE I DONT LIVE IN MICHIGAN BUT I WISH I DID SO I COULD GET THE STICKER 💔

ATOD ANSWERRRR… lowk……. Lighting McQueen 🤗🤤 OR THE BLUE MNM… THEY COULD GET ITTT 😍🤤

OKOKOK QOTD UHH A RANDOM HOT TAKE U HAVE SRY THIS ONES BORING IM TIRED ASF AND HAVE MY LAST EXAM TOMORROW ‼️‼️🔥 WISH ME LUCK + GN (morning for u. 😘)

LOVE U LOTS SIGMA 🤗‼️🐺🙏

-🐺

HI ALPHA!!! 🐺

this is the ask from friday or thursday i believe… but i saw ur other one SO DW IM ANSWERING BOTH😈 ITS OKAY!! don’t feel pressured to send one in every day bc i know it can be a lot but just know ur asks are always appreciated and ily <3

YES i’ve been working for the last 4 days opening and closing basically and it’s so customer orientated like ARGHHSH my body is just exhausted BUT I HOPE UR DOING WELL TOO!! the pack must stick together🙂‍↕️‼️

YESSS I KNEW U ATE… the power of the pack manifested together to make you cook🔥🔥 also omg me and u both have horrible spending habits… i leave my room and i drop $300 on random shit but even if i stay in my room i just go online shopping which is SO BAD like ive spent $5000 in the last two months…. oops!

YAY FOR SJAP WEEKEND!!! NAUR ur teacher is a OPP fr like hello there was no need to tell ur mum😒😒 also THE INGROWN RAIL HELP i hope it heals soon i’ve never had one before so i don’t know the pain💔 SEND REMEDIES CHAT‼️‼️ also i hope the weekend is better for u alpha and i’ll use the power of the pack to manifest next week is better too <3 LMFAO HAPPY NATIONAL BOYFRIENDS DAY TOGE

yes mahito… he is my guilty pleasure in a way… IDK HES JUST SO… idk i can’t explain it.. forgive me pls🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️ LMFAO THE STICKER HELP😭 NO I LOVE IT I WANT IT PLS

AOTD‼️ my hot take is that lychees taste bad🙇‍♀️ IM SORRY THEYRE JUST SO GROSS😭 LMK URS ALPHA!! ILY🫵🫵

[ghostzzy]

ok. disorganized 2am post-top surgery update:

im feeling p good!! like honestly i’m in much less pain than i expected so far. the biggest issue has really been that my throat is raw from being intubated so i keep coughing and every time i cough i can Feel my drains. especially the left side drain. he’s gonna be rough to live with for the next 7 days, he’s pretty pinchy. but not intolerable, just uncomfortable.

OH and my left hand is totally numb which is mega annoying because it makes typing and gaming very very difficult. so hopefully that resolves soon. the tip of my tongue is also inexplicably numb but that’s less of an issue.

i have been RAVENOUS and SO THIRSTY . but less sleepy than anticipated. tired yes definitely but sleepy not rly.

i already feel so much relief from my dysphoria. even with the insane bloating, the significant swelling, the multiple layers of wrappings, etc, i am flatter than i ever got with a binder. every time i see my reflection i am fucking delighted. i am so excited to be healed up so i can wear all my clothes and buy new clothes and walk around shirtless and All Of It. :’)

i also have no clue what shape my scars are gonna be at this point — before surgery my doctor said they may be connected in the middle but they may not be, it was just going to depend what my anatomy was doing once he got in there, and i was too disoriented on my way out of the clinic to remember to ask what it ended up being. so in a week i will have a very fun surprise unboxing when i finally get to see my chest!

[heartshapedbubble]

May I have platonic/Familial headcanons of a gn! survivor! reader who gets along super well with Robbie? Started off rough, maybe he's being a little bit of a menace as a treat but they soon grow really close to the point where you usually wouldn't see one without the other?

Maybe he'd even go over to the survivor's part of the manor to spend time with them, much to some's horror at seeing my boy at the end of the hallway at like 6 in the morning going like 🧍

Angst idea: He slips out a 'Dolores' or refers to reader as his sibling offhandedly, I dunno I just wanna hug him so bad

Feel free to delete! Have a good day! Your writing is so warm 💖

THIS IS SO CUTEEE and thank you anon <333 i have a soft spot for mr robert white and found family so im using this prompt to hc dump😈😈

robbie and survivor!reader platonic/family headcanons🌲

robbie is one of the friendliest hunters out there!!

he doesn't take the matches seriously and doesn't consider that it might be painful or scary for the survivors - he thinks of them as games, like hide and seek or a game of tag

your first encounter with robbie was. not the best i fear

robbie downed you quite quickly with his scorching fire souls, leaving a smug smile on his face

(also robbie loves graffitis and emoting at the person on the chair. not really a good thing if you've got a short fuse)

yet you also pitied him as he got stunned by patricia and norton, feeling bad as you heard him cry and hold his head in frustration

i mean... at least you enjoyed the candy he gave you while you were chaired? you weren't expecting such a thing, considering how you got used to jack playfully tracing his blade over your skin and mary lifting up your chin whenever your attention swayed away from her

the next time you joined a duo hunters game, robbie approached you himself - survivors rarely share candy with him, thinking it's some some kind of a trap, so he remembered you easily and wanted to be friends

now you got yourself mr robert himself following you around like a duckling >:]

he's very hyperactive, always asking questions and jumping from one topic to another

"___, why does mr. prospector have a candle on his head?" "well, he needed it for his job..." "YO ___ I FOUND A SMOKE BOMB‼️‼️" "ROBBIE NO"

im straying away from the canon right here but i think robbie would have an ipad. hes not a greasy ipad kid tho he just likes watching cartoons and playing minecraft while queuing (HE LIKES BLUEY!!!!)

he would also bring his tablet to you and show you pics of his favourite dinosaurs

little man robert actually really likes survivors :) he finds you guys silly and he can't wrap his head around the fact that y'all are so nervous and scared most of the time in the game

would probably have to beg michiko for it but eventually he'll sneak into the survivor's side of the manor to visit you

just imagine. him standing menacingly in front of your door at 2am like 🕴 , scaring you shitless in the process, and suddenly whispering:

"i brought cookies"

he comes over each weekend for movie nights >:) you two build a pillow fort, bring snacks and watch disney/superhero movies

would also ask you to play roblox with him or something

besides games like minecraft and roblox he likes to play pretend/roleplay as pirates or ninjas and would love it if you joined him

he has pet rats inside his head and all of them Have names :) occassionaly he'll take them out and show them to you

asks you for piggy back rides when he's too tired to walk around

he spends a lot of his time outside playing in the nearby forest and sometimes he'll just come inside carrying like. a massive fucking frog or some shit just to show it to you

would hold your hand while walking around the manor and during matches :))))))

robbie actually looks up to you a lot, even though he's a hunter and you're a survivor :] eventually you'll find him referring to you as his "best buddy" or even "bro/sis/sib"

still haves memories of his sister and his life in the asylum - although he coped with it a long time ago since he didn't have any other option, some of his mannerisms still stem from his past experiences

like for example, sharing candy, sneaking through the manor even though he hasn't done anything bad, hiding whenever some of the hunters walk by etc.

sometimes you'll hear him mention "dolores" in the middle of his usual info dump about his interests

robbie got over the loss of his sister pretty well and loves talking about her anyway, but even with that he still lacks an older sibling/big brother/sister figure deep inside

that's one of the reasons he's very friendly in general and protective of people he likes - he doesn't want to end up all alone again no matter what, and is afraid of someone leaving him

sometimes, before you tuck him to sleep and read him a bedtime story, you swear you can hear him sob - you end up staying by his side every time until you're sure he falls asleep with a smile on his face

[incomingnewsmile]

Day 25 , or night of, or actually i guess morning of day 26, It is currently 2am. Yes I'm awake 😁 I have been trying to sleep for hours and hours,& i just can't drop. Like I'm not even tired, one bit, my body is dead but my mind is like nope. My legs and ankles are so restless, I can't get comfy and I'm either really hot or chilly.

This was exactly the same yesterday. Did not sleep for ages 😧

So I'm laying here, its quite, dark, im comfortable & not in too much pain, I'm like why am I awake 😅

What an earth is going on. I am always tired, come this time in the morning. But right now, I'm literally wide awake.

Like what tf 🤷‍♀️

And I've just clocked it. Looked it up. & basically remembered that from mid day yesterday, I stopped taking Codine for pain, as I have been taking opiate pain killers for nearly 3 weeks now. Was feeling a bit disassociated and just thought my pain levels can cope without it now, I'm aching but is mainly from the bands now but told it would only last a few days. Thought deffo time to stop taking codine now.

So anyway. 2 mins ago, i looked up codine withdrawal symptoms and voila ⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️

Ha. Of corse. And today my nose has been running! Which I thought was strange as hadn't been sneezing 😂

Atleast I know what's going on now, body's in withdrawal, and the best part is, it can last week's, even months 😂 at least I haven't got nausea & vomiting, like the worst symptoms.

Back in the 2am club 🙃 thank God I don't have to go to work for a while 😆 sweet jesus, 5am wake ups would be impossible rn 😂 silver linings

& in all fairness, way before the op in the appointments before I was warned of this by the surgeons. They said the painkillers might be hard to get off for this reason....

I best find a quiet night time hobby 😒

What a journey this is 😂🤣

[voidsumbrella]

𝘀𝗶𝗻𝗴𝗮𝗽𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝘀𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴 - haven, 𝗰𝗵𝗼𝗰𝗼𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝗺𝗮𝗿𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗶 - witch and wraith :3, 𝗰𝗮𝗶𝗽𝗶𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗵𝗮 - witchwraithhaven, and 𝗴𝗶𝗻 𝗿𝗶𝗰𝗸𝗲𝘆 - haven?

ehehehehehehe ty <333

𝘀𝗶𝗻𝗴𝗮𝗽𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝘀𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴: what was one of your oc’s favorite tv shows/movies as a child? do they still enjoy it now? (haven)

oh geez, okay, so uhhh haven is 25 in the mid-90's, and as such would have been born in the 70's, and i have no idea what the general selection of children's programming would have been in fantasy!ohio during that time period, and im not well versed in making convincing fake media to bullshit the specifics. but i think he clung onto like, baby shows intended for really little kids for much longer than was cool- something something drawing comfort from the media he watched with his parents before they died even if he was too young to do so consciously- and only got away with it because he had younger siblings to babysit. he eventually got tired of being teased for immaturity and jumped to corny horror movies. he doesn't feel too much nostalgia for the little kids stuff, but he still rewatches some of the b-list slasher films he liked as a preteen.

𝗰𝗵𝗼𝗰𝗼𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝗺𝗮𝗿𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗶 〜 does your oc’s name or design reference anything? i.e. music, movies, etc. (witch+wraith)

well you see. witch is named witch, because they're a witch. wraith is named wraith, because they're a wraith. hope this clears things up.

actual answer: name wise, they're both referential within the setting: witch's title- The Witch of the Absolute Nothing- is after their patron goddess, The Lady of the Absolute Nothing, who everyone in the entire multiverse assumes has been dead for several millennia now. this isn't the case, She's just in hiding, but that title being associated with witch serves for a nice redirection. their true name is a secwet :>

wraith's title- The Wraith of Between Spaces- is a fairly straightforwards reference to them being a ghost who can enter and freely travel through the gaps between universes, which is widely regarded to be a pain in the ass to pull off, how the fuck did they do that.

in terms of design, while i'm not intentionally referencing/mimicking anything with either of them, they're both a self-indulgent amalgamation of shit i think is cool and fun to draw. fluffy hair! bangs that conceal weird magical eyes! bouncy shapes! :3 face! + tall! longular! hair that is sleek but still has lines that go fwuaaaaa and sweep all over the place! different magic eyes! yknow. here 2 have a good time.

𝗰𝗮𝗶𝗽𝗶𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗵𝗮 〜 what does your oc’s voice sound like? (witchwraithhaven)

witch: imagine a beach that's mostly made up of fist-sized rocks, and the sound those rocks make as the waves pull and rattle them gently against each other; now take that sound and put it in the mouth a broadway actor who then settled down to become a radio show host. they sound like that.

wraith: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pMHO49mD8H8 but like. human speech. perpetual 2am sleepover voice.

haven: a kind of birdlike high tenor; soft spoken out of politeness and/or low-grade anxiety, has the capacity to project pretty loudly when he gets Emotional. gets cartoonishly fast and high pitched when nervous, and is a prone to shrieking. uses a lot of filler sounds.

𝗴𝗶𝗻 𝗿𝗶𝗰𝗸𝗲𝘆 〜 what does your oc consider to be their best feature? alternatively, what’s something they’re most self conscious about? (haven)

best feature: his wiggles he's consistently pretty proud of his hair! the color is more attention-getting than he would otherwise like but it's very pretty and he's been cutting it himself since he was 14, and likes to think he's pretty good at it. he'd consider going to beauty school if even just thinking about the potential of getting yelled at for ruining someone else's hair didn't make him preemptively break out into a cold sweat.

self conscious: he's got some uh. fun scarring going on. he'll die of heatstroke before he lets anyone see his bare torso.

[ghostiebopper]

today sucked major ass, actually

i woke up around 2am and didnt get back to sleep for hours

i eventually did get more sleep. but my fitbit didnt log it so i have no idea how much. not sure whats going on with that. its not logging my temperature either, suddenly?

anyway. today actually didnt start badly. i was in a good mood! i was nice n warm, i had a kitty companion with me.

i got up, got breakfast, worked on the pc for a bit, got dressed, made lunch, did chores...and then its 3pm, and im fucking exhausted. i had other stuff to do (was gonna get the trash bins) but at that point i was. drained

so i laid down. i took a little nap. i dont usually do that because it tends to affect my nighttime sleep but i was Quite Exhausted, physically and mentally drained, for...not much of an actual reason.

woke up after less than an hour and felt better. laid there for a bit, chilling on my phone, because i DID feel nice and warm and have a little more energy, but i was also still Exhausted and my Body Hurt.

at this point, it's about 5pm. i need to get up, so i do.

i still need to get the bins back to the patio. i put on thick winter socks, put my sweater back on, and head downstairs.

i get to the bottom of the top half of the stairs before the landing and i slipped. this has happened before. i was okay, i think i'm fine? nothing feels broken or otherwise notably painful.

actually, my limbs feel heavy. slightly numb. my hands and feet feel a little off but thats not honestly new after slipping (though somewhat new within the last 48 hours). and i was still quite exhausted, when i slipped, and was on carpeted stairs in some thick socks. so i slipped down the last few steps, and slammed my foot into the wall/a grocery cart, fell on my right hand, and also my ass. i didnt hit my head or anything.

i was just kind of shocked, hoping i didnt just make my 5 million current issues (this is an exaggeration) suddenly worse as a result of breaking any bones. anyway, mom heard me fall from the bathroom and she panicked and went "WHAT WAS THAT!?!?" and, dear reader, that is what set me off.

"i fell! leave me alone!" i shouted. i was still trying to assess myself but the stress of the whole day (which didnt seem like much but apparently was more than i thought) was suddenly hitting me. i felt nauseous. i was trying to make sure i didnt break any bones, and mom just kept badgering me, asking me questions i wasnt able to answer, and i snapped, saying "leave me alone!! i don't know if i'm okay!! leave me alone!!!"

i get that she was worried but the way she immediately started to panic and her anxiety started to affect me was painful. i needed a minute and i was struggling to express that. i needed her to back off.

i started to cry because she would not back off and i was so tired, and so stressed, and now my stomach hurt, and i felt sick, and i was in pain, and everything was so much. eventually, i was able to get up. i was okay, even though the stress was now very sickening. but i didnt want to just sit there and stew in it.

i decided to try to retrieve the bins once more. i put my shoes on, my coat, tried to ignore mom still probing me (and then her suddenly dropping "oh yeah, they put your aunt's dog down" thank you that makes me feel so much better.) and went to get the bins.

and it was dark and pouring rain. so i went and i just sort of took a seat, still in my coat, and went on my phone while i tried to quell the urge to vomit. it's been about 20 minutes and the stress is not much better. i felt oddly cold, and also like bawling my fucking eyes out.

maybe it's that i had a bit of a down day, today. maybe i wasnt as busy as i have been for the past like 5 days straight (appointments, errands, chores, etc) and so something like my seasonal depression snuck through the cracks. maybe the medication i just started about two days ago is affecting me weirdly. only time will tell, i suppose.

i wish i could go into a coma for about 12 hours though. i wonder if in that time my body would have enough time to get it's shit together long enough so that i do not end up in the current state of mental and physical exhaustion i am in.

because during times like this, the thought of "god i want to fucking kill myself" is prevalent and it's concerning. not to an extent that makes me go "hm. hospital!" but one that's more like "hm. not really sure i should be hearing that in my own head with increasing regularity!" so. you know.

maybe it's the time of year. maybe it's the mounting stack of concerns regarding my own health, and the stress of wondering how these things will affect me in the longer-term. maybe (and most likely) it's everything, but what can i do besides try to stay on top of it? i'm doing my best, and a lot of the time, i feel like i'm actually doing pretty damn good.

but days like today make me wonder if it's enough. days like today make me want to stop. days like today make me want to sleep for hours and hours and hours and do absolutely nothing.

i'm not going to do that, because it would undo all of my progress.

this got long and i dont have the energy to really edit or give much of a shit, at this point.

tomorrow: haircut, back to the grocery store, and...trying to stay busy, i suppose.

okay bye.