#so mom asked me to throw it away
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IM SCREAMING THERES A MOUSE IN MY CAR AND IDFK WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT
#ITS MY OWN FAULR#BUT AHHGG#TLDR#We had mice get in the pantry#my dads been killing them#but hes in FLORIDA on buisness#so mom asked me to throw it away#and I felt bad#so i drove to the store#bought oil#and got it out#MY DUMBASS#DIDNT THINK HOW FAST IT WOULD GET OFF#and it got LOOSE
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some of my favourite hunger games pages from my sketchbook, mostly from 2023 and also Annie Cresta centred, bc I was doing a comic about her at the time
#got a new scanner by suprise#like real suprise#bc the neigbour called my mom at like 11pm asking if she want a scanner with printer bc they are throwing it away#and mom was like yeah sure why not#the school is killing me at the moment so thought why not post old sketchbook things since I don’t have anything new finished atm#Like last week i've slept total of 21 hours across the whole week#and normally my naps sometimes are like 18h long if im really tired#like i know that bragging how little sleep someone get is super cringe#But if you scroll long enough you'll probably find things from my hamilton phase i didn't delate so if I really cared about being cringe#I should take care of that first#well anyway#the hunger games#thg fanart#hunger games fanart#thg#fanart#annie cresta#annie cresta fanart#finnick odair#finnick odair fanart#mags flanagan#mags fanart#johanna mason#johanna mason fanart#colored sketch#sketchbook art#sketchbook page#my art#my sketchbook#sketchbook dump
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do you think marc and vale ever talked privately after what happened in 2018 (since vale didn’t want to hear from marc immediately after) or vale just kept talking shit about him during press conf but without trying to address it between themselves? and also, do you think they’ve heard each other at least once in between marc’s injury and vale’s retirement or they just went no contact after they weren’t anymore in the paddock together? IDK IF I’M MAKING SENSE (also clearly based on your opinion since we can’t really know)
delulu zone lets go....
um. i think its interesting that marc SO consistently identifies that the ball is in vale's court wrt reconciliation... which tells me (delusional but enjoying it) that perhaps ! and i am making this up here ! marc could have made a genuine move towards patching things up behind the scenes (and off camera) that was met with either rejection or stony silence.... like marc finding him in the aftermath of argentina 2018 in private (after uccio stepping to him on camera) and trying to talk to him alone without the entourage and vale just. not even looking at him or maybe saying something reallyyyy nasty :( like really cementing to marc that the onus is on VALE if anything gets fixed.... like he tried ! a lot even ! for years ! but vale walled him out every time reconciliation started to look like a genuine possibility
#fascinated by when the exact moment they deleted each other's contact info could be. like marc didnt even throw away those bikes his mom did#i say he keeps his number ! vale on the other hand. lol. drives me nuts#like even just as coworkers its good to have the contact info but what happens when you HATE him ??? fascinated frankly#callie speaks#motogp#asks#rosquez#actually also thinking about how the hot and cold stuff played with marc's heart SO BAD. like. he never says never !#and thats bc vale will still laugh with him in pressconferences soemtimes. still puts his hand on marc's back to pass him in the hallway.#that kind of stuff.
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some men are textbook villains fr
#tw religion?#kinda need to rant.. kinda wanna explain what's going on#some ppl are part of humanity but don't know how to be humane... like the guy i started talking to almost 2 weeks ago#liked him a lot bc he was funny sickeningly sweet mature and understanding.. until he was not#tl dr version is that we somehow drifted to the topic religion and i told him im not too religious and don't believe in superstition much#i was extremely respectful and even when he said that he does believe a lot i was like 'thats cool!! different people believe in different#things!!' and at first it was a normal convo until man went all psycho on me (after one damn week!!!) and started talking about how#id have to be religious in a relationship with him.. my dude i barely know your fav food can we not talk about relationships yet#but he says he doesn't even need a woman who cooks/cleans just someone who believes.. n im like i get it but i can't change myself like that#and then guy moves to marriage and is all 'well my entire family is religious' n my mom and sister (who's 16) would be putting pressure on#you n force you to pray etc.. and I'm like???? who can force anyone to a thing like that are u kidding#things escalate and my absolute STUPID ass tells him about my deepest fkn trauma to explain what made me abandon religion bc#life just never got better and this trauma remained for yrs... and he gets so angry that he says he wants to stop talking to me just to spam#me all day next day.. he'd keep messaging me switching between 'i still want you we shouldn't throw this away i have feelings for you'#AFTER A WEEEEEEKKKK!!! and then goes back to 'i wasted my time with you you were so unnecessary im in a bad mood bc of you'#even said 'you'll never find a guy with a trauma and mindset like this. i will find a religious girl but no one will love you like that'#and the worst thing is that he told his friends and mom about the trauma i had just to spite me.. note that he promised to never tell anyone#(and then still asked for forgiveness and for me to rethink whether we want to end this after telling me 473626x he wanted to end it)#(nothing even ever started you bitchass)#also note that his mom knows my mom n basically most of my relatives.. so i was here trembling for days fearing they'd get to know about it#mom somehow convinced her to not tell anyone bc it's important to me and very very fucking personal..#but he harassed me all day - i wouldn't answer and he'd send 55 messages.. multiple missed calls like dude i got so fkn scared#my heart jumped whenever he texted he was so fkn aggressive and SO MEAN#'you just needed to adjust and we would've been okay' 'tell me are u gonna fkn be religious or not????' 'you ruined everything' kinda mean#i just :') it was the worst time and i don't think i've ever seen someone degrade me so much or make me feel this defective#but.. it's finally over. his mom called my mom and mine was like pls teach him some manners.. n since i couldn't and wouldn't text him back#and literally avoided whatsapp bc of him she ended it all for me and now it's hopefully done forever#anyway i saw jks gcf performance yday n him singing still with you put a genuine smile on my face.. ill stick to THAT boyfriend honestly lol#def gonna delete later#but ty for reading if u did <3
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Was doing so good holding it together today but now that I’m laying down and trying to sleep I’m tearing up and I can feel that I’m about to burst into tears any second now
#my mom called me like ten minutes before I was off work today#and asked if I had talked to my grandpa lately and I was like yeah some why?#I’ve been showing what I’ve been cooking with him and my grandma because I was proud of myself#and she was like oh so you know about his potential surgery?#and I was like. his what???????#apparently his pace maker is dying and malfunctioning and he needs a new one#but this is the third time it’s had to be replaced and as he’s gotten older he’s had a lot more health issues#and they’re not even sure his heart can handle getting it replaced…. he has an appointment tomorrow to find that out#and no one told me. no one fucking told me it was that bad and I’m so#like man my feelings on my grandparents are so insanely complicated but I do love them#I love them so much and they practically raised me and loved me more and treated me better than my mother EVER did#they’re the only family members I’ve ever been legitimately terrified and upset over not accepting me cuz I’m queer#like my mom and siblings? I could not give a flying fuck if they hated me for my gender or sexuality#if my grandparents had a bad reaction I think I would fucking kill myself#and idk the point is I love him and I’ve barely seen him at all the past few years because we live far away now and I never visit because I#hate the rest of my family#but what if he can’t have this surgery?????#or what if he can but something goes wrong??????#what if he’s dying and I’m only able to go down and see him one more time#and he could be fine. it might all work out and he could be fine#but man I’m terrified that won’t happen because WHY WOULD NO ONE TELL ME ANY OF THIS#and yeah no I’m fully crying now I can’t do this#he taught me to draw and he built the house I grew up in and he got me into lord of the rings and would take me book shopping#and and and I’m gonna fucking throw up#kaz rambles
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sometimes i am put in situations that only could happen on tv but you can’t make this up
sonon wednesday my coworker called me during my prep period and was like hey can you come to my room really quick. and that’s normal like 1 im department lead so if they need something i told them to hmu and i got them 2. we’re friends so if you have to pee well fall each other to cover. so im like yeah sure what do you need. and this bitch goes [name of student i hate] keeps saying the n word with the hard er and i bet him he wouldn’t say that to a black persons face so can you come to my room to prove a point’ and she’s like laughing as she says this. with her whole class there like it’s some sort of joke; when she’s acting like she’s shaming this child. and like…. what the actual fuck. mind you, this kids that i hate HAS called me the n word with the hard er before my coworker KNOWS this because we all went out drinking afterward and i cried cuz i was so angry. so I was like what the fuck no and hung up on her. then like 30 mins later she texts me and says “that was such a silly call! i didn’t actually expect you to come lmaoooo. i just like to fluster them when they do things like that” and i didn’t respond and haven’t spoken to her since.
and we are in a bunch of group chats so i left the chats that aren’t work specific and blocked her number and blocked her on ig. and i don’t say anything to anyone at work cuz im grown and i can stop being friends with people without making it an announcement. and so today she texts one of our other coworkers that ive been friends with for almost 5 years now, like omg have you talked to asyah i think she blocked me on ig and idk what i could have done to deserve this it just makes me so sad cuz ive had people just stop being my friend for no reason before and i have abandonment issues please ask her if i did anything wrong. and so my friend came up to me like girl wtf and so i told her what happened and my friend was like this is the last straw for me she’s been saying fucked up shit for a while and i didn’t want to rock the boat but im tired of her.
and then my coworker texted one of my OTHER work friends like omg woe is me everyone is being so mean to me cue white woman tears™️ and im like…. i would have NEVER asked you to be in a position like this. when students do antisemitic things i stop that shit right then and there and never tell you about it because that’s harmful to you! and i thought we were friends i would never put you in a place of harm but you have the nerve to call me and ask me if i want a child to call me a nigger to my face? you laugh while you say it, then send me some fucked up not apology and then when im not fucking with your ass you drag my friends into your pity party? bitch fucking CHOKE.
i was just going to ignore her and leave it as it is but now she’s trying to play the victim like im the one in the wrong here. like im so mad! ive been mad since my homegirl came and told me what she texted her. im going to go to my union rep and let her know what happened too before this girl tries to tell the whole school im bullying her no one would believe her cuz ive been there for 6 years and have no problems with no one but i don’t like people being in my business and would rather get ahead of this but my GOD.
#like you aren’t deserved any explaining if you cannot understand the harm you did im not going to explain it to you#im one of 3 black people fhat work at that school and ive told you how much it bothers me when the nonblack kids#just throw nigga around and you have the audacity to ask me if I want to hear a child say nigger?? like how is that even a punishment to the#child? you ask would you want your mom to hear you say that would you say that in front of your grandma etc#if we are trying to show them that they shouldn’t be saying words that’s what I do when they cuss#not call up one of the few people on campus that have had that word used as a weapon against them if they’d like a 12 year old to call them#that to their face like what the actual fuck#im so MAD ive been mad for 3 days now and now another coworker texted me like what’s#going on with you and alyssa she said you blocked her like???? girl what#why are you asking the whole damns school why I blocked you why are you trying to center yourself when you can clearly see the last time#I spoke to you was when you said what the fuck you said like she brags about how she has a degree in women gender and ethnic studies#but girl throw that paper away cuz you didn’t learn shit#in which I rant#I feel better now that last text was gonna have he calling her phone and calling her everything but a child of god#cannot let these people take me out of my character#these people being my coworkers like sick and also tired!
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I WAS going to go to bed before 3 am for Father's day, but then I heard yelling outside and went to investigate.
This is the second time in a year I've been asked to help someone call 911 in my own parking lot.
#idk what was going on but a girl said he attacked her and she was a minor and he was just walking away while on the phone#and she asked if she could use my phone to call the police so i just said yes because the last time i didn't i felt so guilty#for not helping#i did not want to call the police at all but they needed help and i didn't know how else to help them#so the mom is grabbing for her phone in his hand and he's just trying to stay away from her#she and her daughter both grab onto him and almost pull him to the ground at one point#I'm already on the phone with 911 because she started the call so now i can't hang up#they drive off and I'm just like. do you want to tell them what's happening#he says she lies and is going to continue to lie so he just wants it on record#apparently she was throwing rocks?#we have so many rocks here.#so then he wanted me to be a witness because they don't take attacks seriously when a woman hurts a man#he gave the dispatcher the wrong address so we had to walk to the next complex#I'm like. idk what's going on. but this is what i saw.#last guy had a dude kicking his car and the guy later came back and smashed it with something#i actually got between them that time#i just wanted to go to bed.#this stuff never happens when I'm ready for it.#personal
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.
#it's 1am and i'm depressed and don't want to go to bed#there's such an unbelievable amount of century-defining tragedy and horror in the world rn#and i know that’s always true but jfc we know about so much more of it simultaneously now#like i'm supposed to be chill and functional in the face of war pandemic climate change forever chemicals micro plastics and fascism?#and and and?#i'm supposed to smile and ask follow-up questions when people tell me about vacations to Hawaii#rather than shaking them and saying holy fuck stop doing that please learn about the ramifications and historical context of your actions#i'm supposed to smile and give a measured response when a new coworker asks my other coworker and me#when they can/SHOULD use generative AI *for work purposes*#rather than screaming and throwing articles at them about the environmental impact of LLM bullshit#and that's all large scale#that's not getting into the fact that there's a growing family chilliness over refusal to communicate about I/P shit#or the fact that my mom is dying slowly and hates it and is worsening her relationship with my siblings little by little#or the fact that I'm peeling away at my sanity trying to process a divorce and get healthcare for my cat and dental care for myself#or the fact that it takes hours of research to find DISH SOAP THAT DOESN’T KILL THE MICROBIOMES OF THE LOCAL WATER SUPPLY#(10/10 recommend 'blueland' for that if you're reading btw)#like i'm painfully aware of the back-patting level of efficacy that i have for buying different soap and going to the farmer's market#but there's only so much i can do so i have to try to do what i can right? but it's so little and everything is so much#and my mental health is a mess; the fact that my particular neurotype is known to get more volatile with age scares the shit oit of me#like it's this bad at 33 and it gets WORSE?#my job is great for personal privilege but so *so* meaningless and redundant#and how tf do i look at all of this and not feel fucking hopeless?#i can distract myself with my garden but the candide approach was myopic even in the 17th century so it's hard to justify now#I'm so tired#just... fuck man#tag rant#i should delete this but I'll forget if you read this far i hope it wasnt damaging to your mental health#i just had to let off the brain scream pressure somewhere
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they look half dead ☹️
#weezer#rivers cuomo#brian bell#patrick wilson#matt sharp#i rlly like rivers’ hair in this one! it’s epicness#i liked his hair in the 90s with his bowl cut.#bowl cuts are cool#and he looked great w it !#anyways yesterday was my boyfriend’s birthday party; and i got him some chaos emeralds from sonic that he’s been wanting like ; forever!#it was fun for the most part; but nobody told me we would be swimming plus i was the only girl there sooo i was just sitting around while#everybody swam and stuff. and my friend hayden i guess felt bad so he stayed out of the pool despite having swimwear and just played mobile#games with me; which was fun and i really appreciated but this guy ; who will remain nameless was being rlly mean to me at the party#like he was saying stuff abt how my boyfriend didn’t really like me THAT much (we have been together for nearly a year…)#and other things like that; which made me rlly sad and i kept asking my mom to pick me up but she wasn’t answering so i couldn’t do anything#besides trying not to cry and stuff. but it’s okay#and after everybody went inside besides me and my boyfriend ; we were cleaning up the table since the guys left all their trash and i had#like a whole pile of trash; like tons of plates and a whole stack of trash still; the guy from earlier who was mean just like#put his trash on top of the trash i was already carrying inside#since the guys were all crowded around the trash cans (he was closest; but he couldn’t throw it away; rather he wanted to deliberately just#put it on the pile i was carrying ) and it wouldn’t be a big deal if he wasn’t mean earlier; i wouldn’t have cared so much#but he was being real mean and just did that. and i’m a passive person ; but i rolled my eyes a ton at it and idk it felt like the#other guys were laughing; which made me feel even more awful about the fact but yeah so i rolled my eyes tons and he told my bf that he was#sorry about it; but didn’t say it to me and stuff and idk it just made me feel bad#when i was younger i got bullied a lot and people would throw their trash on my lunch tray n it just reminded me of that and made me sad;#but it’s okay now! other than that i had a good time and it was fun! my boyfriend said he loved my gift to him so ya! :D it was fun other#than the stuff with the guy! but yeah. not rlly weezer related tags today; just really wanted to get that off my chest#my boyfriends mom asked if i felt left out; which i definetly did and really wanted to go home but ik i couldn’t so i was just sitting at a#table alone for abt 20 mins while everybody was changingninitially#but it’s okay! ty for listening to my rant i love u all
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Ah fuck dude not like this. My day did not need to get worse in any way and certainly not this way man
#hooooooo boy#my parents have been running away from the thought of The Gender for years despite theoretically being out to them#we just do this sort of dance around it where my mom pretends it doesnt exist if she doesnt think about it#and gets extremely upset whenever it even indirectly comes up#so now im fuckin. stuck here lying in bed cause i threw my back out#she comes in to give me the medicine i asked her to get from my desk#starts fussing around with some shit on one of the boxes in my room#but because im fucking STUPID#i forgot to throw out my nametag/ID thing from my work trip a few weeks ago#and it has my fucking pronouns on it#so now we are in a very uncomfortable cold war scenario AND I AM STUCK IN MY FUCKING BED UNABLE TO GET AWAY FROM ANY OF THIS#kill meeeeeeeeee i truly did not need this today or in general#just needed to get through another 3-4 months without incident before i move again for work and can do my own thing#should have set that fucking nametag on fire as soon as i got home
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being online makes me feel so isolated because i cant reach out to a single soul without feeling terrified of the rejection. im too tired to be any kind of meaningful friend or even mutual, but i have absolutely no one in real life. i come online for my crumbs of socialization and human interaction that i desperately crave, but once i have it i just feel more lonely. like people talk to me out of pity, out of feeling sorry, or just that they will always have people they like more. i feel like a baby. i feel like someone who will always be watching everyone else live the life i desperately want through the lens of social media while i rot alone in the house that killed me before i was born
#honey's words#this is dumb. i will probably delete. but who else could i even tell#writing in my virtual diary today...#and i am soooo fucking stressed. being with my mom in the same house is literally killing me#i screamed at the top of my lungs and shattered my phone throwing it at the ground yesterday and i juzt feel so much shame#i keep crying i keep having episodes its all going to kill me if i dont leave#my car needs fixing but my mom only wants me to make money for her as always#i just. oh my god can i just actually kill myself#and she legit juzt texted me asking for a carton of cigarettes. haha . just another $50 i need to scrounge up#by driving doordash with my car that desperately needs fixing but i can't!! BECAUSE I HAVE TO GIVE HER ALL MY FUCKING MONEY!!!#please... no more. literally no more. i have to go back to sleep bc thats the only time im not wanting to die#im scared for myself genuinely. i dont think i can make it through this time. i dont think i will survive .. i wasnt made to. god i am#two steps away from begging the lord to help me and im an atheist ahiwjsjs. there has to be some kind of relief.
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tmi probably
my lunatic ass after telling my therapist "i have a thousand voices in my head all the time, and they tell me all the possibilities, so i deserve to know the future and i actually see it most of the times!" when he replies "not really. none of us can see it, you are just hyperactive and manic."
#ignore ignore ignore ignore go away#doc started talking about inpatient wards and emergency rooms like?? no. i'm never telling you anything ever again. how dare you.#i know he cares about my mental health. but like. i don't know. i feel like i'm being gutted out like a fish#i might throw up#like how dare you tell me i'm manic?#like. i know. i know! i can see it. i can tell.#i just. how do i put it into words. i just need to do the stuff i do and i need the voices to keep going. they just have to be less loud.#also because not all of them are bad!! some just don't make fucking sense.#“you know there are things we can do together that can help if you would just trust me and yourself” impossible.#i don't trust anyone. i have like a thousand voices in my head. which one is me? are they all me? trust is- no. not doing that.#and like yes yes i have to trust others and deep down a voice wants me to since i asked for help but?#i am so confused.#“saying no is something that can be learnt” also impossible.#i want a hug.#and a beer.#and#idk#cuddle pile#that's still hug territory?#oh i miss my mom. she gives the best hugs.#i can't ask a friend to hug me can i?#no but it's not even the same. like a friend's hug isn't the same. just doens't hit the same.#but like. i'd take it.#and also i wouldn't ask my mom for a hug either. they just happen.#she hugs me a lot. and i do hug her back too. love it#but like. it's been 15 years since i last asked for a hug? more maybe?#i don't think i ever did. not like. not after i stopped going to my parents every night until age 9 because of nightmares#yes i used to go to my parents every night until i was old as hell. i know kids stop at 6. i stopped at 9.#and like yeah someone should have guessed something was wrong with my relationship with sleep but
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if I could go back in time and tell my younger self 2 things they would be:
you're going to be hot some day, but like, when youre 30. yeah, I don't get it either
and
KEEP YOUR FUCKING YUGIOH SHIT
#I can DISTINCTLY remember going home for a holiday or smth#and my mom asking if I wanted to keep any of my Nerd Shit before she remodeled my room#and I ONLY took my pandora hearts manga#WHY#I had the full s0 manga#I HAD A FUCKING DUEL DISK#she didnt actually throw any of it away like on purpose#bc my mom doesnt lol throw stuff away like that#but she put it in storage in the basement and it flooded so bad they had to have a company come and just#get rid of EVERYTHING#and like take out 3 feet of drywall and all the carpet it was bad bad I can't blame anyone but myself for not taking it with me#but at the time I was dating someone who#a. was a hoarder herself and our apartment was full of so much garbage I had to leave mpst of my clothes behind when we moved bc i just#couldn't pack and move everything myself and she refused to help#and b. went 'ugh please dont get into ygo' every time I even mentioned it#like I even remember mentioning the s0 manga when my mom asked that#and she complained so i was like 'nah theres no way I'll get into that again'#bc I thought I'd never have anyone else to talk about it with again anyway#LITTLE DID I KNOW#there's literally dozens of us
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And today’s mood is
#ghost posts#mom is decorating early for Christmas and turns out#she threw out my favorite Christmas decoration#which was a nutcracker that has been around since I was born#it wasn’t broken she just said she wasn’t happy with it anymore#so she threw it away#I feel a bit silly being sad about it#but I was my favorite thing to see every Christmas#I don’t think she realized that#not happy things#but fr I have to remember not to get attached to things while I live here#bc I don’t have a say in things like that#she at least asked me if I wanted to keep the bird my grandmother gave me when she was about to throw it out#she’s just not a sentimental person and I have to remember that#she’s good at other stuff but not that
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I broke my favorite mug and I was sad so my mom said to put it in my room and put things in it and I will do that thank you mom <3 cjbdjdbd
#it had a little crack but nothing bad and I put boiling water in it and it cracked all the way 😭#i was like ’’I don’t wanna throw it away I love it ☹️’’#thank you mom for not caring that I’m a hoarder kfbdjdb#my dad would have sigh and be like omg you’re insane bfksbdjsn#i Hope that tea is worth it 😭 I don’t like tea but I read that peppermint tea help heartburn and the one I have right now is torture#it also a calming tea let’s hope it help me sleep so I can’t finally sleep at least 8 hours 😭#i ask my mom to wake me up before she goes to work I’m gonna steal her bed since the girl above me keep waking me up but her mom will be gon#gone*#i really need sleep I have a concertant headache and my eyes hurt 😭#i will be dead after a day if I find a job let me sleep a goodnight of sleep and I’ll look promise 😭#alex.txt
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mission failed we’ll get em next time 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
#i literally can’t quit omg i feel so fucking bad. it wasn’t so bad this time but also HE LITERALLY FORCED ME TO COME OUT LKKE GIRL HELLO???#he cornered me and asked me if redacted had to do w my s*duality and i was like ummmmm. yeah 🫣 and he was like now why didn’t you say that#the first time 🤨 and i was like …………. 😳. AND THEN i asked him why he asked me that and he said he’s been waiting for the right moment to ge#it out of me and he always suspected it LIKE HELLO I THINK THAT IS POSSIBLY WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE I WANTED TO DIEEEEEE#and i lied right to his face abt stuff w my mom and also the redacted situation bc i always feel in trouble whenever i talk abt them w him#and also he asked how things were w my mom and i told him and he was like that’s great but how are things with YOU and yoir mom 🤨. UGHHHHH#and i can’t leave bc his supervisor is gravely ill and they haven’t talked abt doing inter generational therapy w me yet which is what they#want to do <- hasn’t looked it up yet and doesn’t know what it receals about me. and he also is like yet agai. trying to get me to separate#myself from data expunged AND ITS LIKE OMGGGG NOTHING IS HAPPENING WHY DO I HAVE TO THROW AWAY A GOOD THING THAT IS WORKING FOR ME JUST FOR#THE SAKE OF CONFORMING TO SOME STUOID MENTAL HEALJT STANDARD. so yeah ummmmm idk what to dooooo i know im not getting the best possible car#and this whole thing has been a cluster fuck but he validated my reaction to something for the first time like EVER today and he has plans#and what if they work. and like omg if i drop it on him he’ll be so hurt and surprised like it will really come out of nowhere and i don’t#want to look like even more of a fool to him than iam. but he says i can’t withhold stuff bc it’s doing me a disservice and we need to see#the fullness of who i am to get to the root and solve problems and stuff but it’s like uhmmmm… but you don’t make me feel safe for reacting#the way i do or wanting things to work out in a way you disagree with so how can i bring out all the parts of me if you don’t make me feel#safe and unjudged for doing so like. lol. the thought of leaving him makes me feel so guilty and stupid bc it s like why are you throwing a#away sliding scale therapy that could turn out to be really useful and running away when ppl tell you things abt yourself you don’t like to#admit and force you to look at your hard ugly truths. but also the thought of working w him until july after already having had 16 weeks of#this literaly makes me fucking insane so idk what to do and finding a new counselor would be so hard and i don’t have time or money. UGHHHH#purrs#delete later#like how am i gonna walk out on him when we just spent all this time talking abt how this new technique will bring me into a new season. AU
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