#so many social norms make no fuckin sense

[kratomqueen]

how quickly i spiral back into depression and hopelessness when im cut off from socialization. no wonder half of americans are on antidepressants lmao the average adult is so isolated and that's just treated as normal for some reason

[alphajocklover]

Hey man, so I've tried to be passive most of my life and not cause trouble. Not breaking many rules, doing as I'm told, and it just leaves me with so much missed chances and getting walked all over. I'm kind of tired of it.

I wanna be abrasive, not rude but confident. Almost cocky. And I want the looks to match. I wanna be huge, and bulky, and hairy too. I don't wanna be smart and focused on academics, I wanna chuck balls and pump my cock all day. Weird enough too, I wanna be sweaty. I wanna raise my arms and watch a bunch of gay dudes just melt like puddy.

The best part is, I wanna *feel* this transformation. I want to watch my arms get huge, I wanna hear my voice get deeper, and my chest push out and almost tear my chest. I wanna be...I wanna be...I wanna be a fuckin JOCK

I want to start by assuring you that everything you’ve said, everything you’ve been feeling, makes sense. There are a lot of people out there who are like you, people who have spent their entire lives just blending in. It’s natural to want to fit in, but when you spend so much of your life trying to fit into the norm, it can be easy to forget who you really want to be. When that happens, most people try to change things up. Some chase after a specific new self they dream of being, while others experiment with different identities, trying to find one that fits. But then, there's people like you. People who have spent far too long trying to fit in. For people like you, blending in isn’t a curse: it’s a superpower.

What you have to understand is that a person's identity is far more powerful than you might realize. There's a reason people take names so seriously. Psychologically, socially, and even magically, they’re important. So when a person leaves so much of their identity up to the people around them… it makes sense that a transformation might occur. That they change, literally change, to blend in with others. We call these people Camous. People who have the power to socially blend in, literally, with the world around them. They’re sort of the opposite of Alphas. Alphas change reality to fit their whims, Campus change to fit reality. And from what I hear, you’re becoming one. I know this might sound a little frightening, since having your identity threatened will do that to anyone. But this is a good thing. While changing is scary, you won’t change entirely. Your body, your personality, your traits, and even your reality will change depending on who you’re around, but the core of your identity, your soul will stay the same. You’ll still be you, just… altered. And being a Camou gives you a lot of advantages. It’s true that you won’t ever stand out really, but you’ll always fit in and always be part of a group. And, better than that, you can use your power to choose who you want to be. You want to be a jock, right? A sweaty, hairy, manly jock who makes gay guys weak in the knees? All you have to do is find a group of jocks to join! It isn’t hard to find a group of jocks, even the specific type of hairy gay jocks you’re looking for. You just have to find the right gym, and I know just the one. The Jockstrap is a local gym specifically made to cater to people like you. Or the people you want to be like I suppose. I want you to take a deep breath as we enter. Do you smell that sweat? That manly musk? Breathe in deep, it’ll help the process. Unlike one of the more famous transformation methods I’ve written about, this one isn’t instant. You’re going to feel your biceps fill with muscle, your pecs bursting forward as your body is covered in a respectable smattering of manly hair. It’s already happening. Your shoulders are widening as your chest continues to grow, needing more room on your body. Your legs, your arms, your ass… everything is growing. But that isn’t the only thing that's changing. Your mind is too. I can see the excitement in your eyes as you look around. Working out, exercising, playing sports, hanging with the bros… you’re already getting excited by the thought of it. And without getting too explicit, it’s obvious that you’re excited in other ways. I can see it through your sweat pants (I guess your clothing changed too) and it must be at least 8 inches by now, soft. That rod, your muscles, and the sheer amount of manly musk that's coming from your body now? You’re going to have twinks throwing themselves at you.

Now, since you’re a Camou this transformation isn’t permanent. It’ll last for a while, longer depending on how much time you spend at the gym surrounded by your new bros. The general rule is if you spend one hour with a group, you get three hours as one of them, unless you spend time with a new group immediately after. But the really exciting part is that once you have a form, you can turn into that version of yourself… with some practice, and if you aren’t currently with a large group. 

I honestly can’t believe I haven’t talked about Camous beforehand. Granted, you’re only the second Camou I’ve ever met, but they’re so interesting I can’t believe I’ve never brought them up. I hope you enjoy being a jock, or whoever else you want to try out being. Just, try not to fall in with a bad crowd.

[its-your-mind]

11 year old Gerry Kaey - a psychological analysis

[ID: screenshot from a spreadsheet of two columns and two rows. The first column is labeled “First Name,” with “Gerard” listed below it. The second column is labeled “Last Name,” with “Kaey” listed below it. End ID]

Like everyone else, I was of course delighted by the presence of our beloved arsonist on our list of child test-subjects at the World Line 2 Magnus Institute (not delighted that he was having unethical psychology experiments performed on him, delighted by his presence. though it’s possible that this was actually a better childhood than he had with Mary. but I digress.)

(Data set can be found here, if anyone else wants to make a copy and play with it, and this post has my fave analysis of the sheet itself)

The data for Gerard Kaey was absolutely delightful, and it indicated more than almost anything else that some people were in fact the same (or very similar) across world lines. I was going to post about it and then I remembered that not everyone was forced to take a slightly outdated Educational Psychology class recently, and thus the random names at the top would not be indicators of fuckin anything without extensive Googling.

I figured trolling the internet for details on outdated developmental psychology theories and unethical sociology experiments is not most people’s idea of a fun afternoon (tho in the magnus fandom you never know); either way I figured I’d pull out the fun and interesting data on this goth child and translate it into human terms for us all to enjoy.

(QUICK NOTE: Pretty much all of these theories are outdated on account of being No Good and quite reductive and many of the experiments are EXTREMELY fucked up (all of which makes sense, given where these fictional data came from). If you’re curious about any of the actual psychological theories and criticisms, here’s a relatively jargon free summary, with further reading at the bottom. I’m gonna follow the time-honored tradition of psychology professors and say “well it sucks and was bad that this happened BUT it did happen and we might as well use the data to come to some general conclusions and/or ask better questions, especially about the people performing those tests in the first place.” anyway ty for coming to my TED talk ONTO THE GERRY DATA)

[ID: screenshot from a spreadsheet of three columns and two rows. The first column is labeled “Kholberg,” with “Level 3” listed below it. The second column is labeled “Prosocial,” with “High” listed below it. The third column is labeled “Empathy Index,” with “95%” listed below it. End ID]

Let’s start here.

Kholberg’s Theory of Moral Development is a metric for measuring the moral development in children. It has three stages. A child who has reached the “third stage” demonstrates a consideration of the needs and feelings of others when making morality-based decisions and judgements, even above the norms and expectations of society.

Prosocial behavior is behavior that can be characterized as having no direct benefit to the person performing an action; something done entirely for the good of others.

Empathy Index is pretty self-explanatory (as far as I can tell, it’s not actually based on anything and is something the researchers created just for this experiment).

So far, we’ve got a rough picture of Gerry as a kid who has a strong moral compass, who is quick to help, even when there’s no benefit for himself. Who considers what the people around him might want or need. Who is able to throw social expectation out the window when someone else is in need.

Reminds me of that older, slightly different version of himself, sitting alone at a table in Venice, wearing a Hawaiian shirt because he’s “on vacation,” sighing in exasperation at the interruption and telling a stranger to think of her mother.

[ID: screenshot from a spreadsheet of two columns and two rows. The first column is labeled “Milgram,” with “Low” listed below it. The second column is labeled “Asch,” with “Low” listed below it. End ID]

These are my favorite rows. They’re all the way at the end of the spreadsheet, which kind of makes me imagine that the testers had this image of a highly developed child, a kid who seemed perfect for whatever they had planned. And then…

Milgram was the motherfucker who ran the experiment where people were told to press a button, and when they did, another participant was delivered an electric shock. (there wasn’t actually a shock in Milgram’s experiment, just an actor pretending to be shocked. The socks were fake, but the psychological damage was real!) The test was designed to measure how long people would continue to do what they were told by the “scientist” running the test, even as the electric shock appeared to grow stronger. A “low” score is indicative of someone who bailed out ASAP, no matter what the test-runner said.

The Asch Conformity Experiment put a large number of people in the room (most of whom were actors) and showed them a series of images of lines with different lengths, and they had to identify which was longest. The actors all gave the correct answer for the first few, and then all of them started to give the exact same wrong answer (i.e. all of them would say B, even if Line A was clearly longest). The test measured how likely a subject was to conform to the group opinion, even when they knew the people around them were objectively wrong, if they were the only one offering a different (but correct) answer over the course of several rounds of images.

I have this super clear image of little Gerry in a ratty pair of jeans and a band t-shirt, long hair absolutely unbrushed, walking into a room with a dude in a lab coat and someone else strapped to a chair and IMMEDIATELY getting suspicious, and just refusing to press the button again once he realized what it did, leaving the actors just… lost as to how to proceed. And then with the Asch test, he’s just sitting there with a look of incredulity on his face looking at the people around him and saying “do you people need fucking glasses all of a sudden? it’s not fucking B.” and just ignoring them for the rest of the test.

and all of the Magnus people who had been VERY excited about this promising young person all of a sudden realizing that they have accidentally recruited a VERY intelligent juvenile delinquent.

so there you have it! World Line 2 Gerry Kaey was kind when he didn’t have to be, he didn’t give a shit how other people felt about him, he cared deeply for other people, UNLESS of course they were people in authority, in which case he told them to go fuck themselves.

*dreamy sigh* that’ll be our Gerard

final fun notes:

Gerry has the second highest number on the Empathy Index at 95%

The only kid who beat him, with a score of 98%, was 9 year old “Samara Khalid”

10 year old “Conner Dyer” scored “Low” on the Milgram and Asch tests JUST like Gerry. I wonder if they were friends.

Other than that, Dyer is almost exactly average among the rest of the data

Khalid scored “High” on both Milgram and Asch

Wonder how that’s gonna affect things 👀👀👀 high empathy, high value on what other people think

Sam thats so autistic of you I love u

Khalid was also on “Level 3” of Kholberg and had “High” levels of Prosocial behavior, despite being only 9 (super young to have the abstract thinking necessary for that)

[ruckis--rookie]

Order of the Stars: The Missing Chapters

Ch. 1 - In the Beginning

[Standard Issue Disclaimer: Some of the following content may prove to be graphic. To prevent spoilers the following warning has been provided. Readers discretion advised. I do not condone any behaviors that may be acted out by characters. The missing chapters are an especially guilty party of this. Read with caution.]

She took a deep breath, watching the skies as she walked back to the house.  She had spent many hours in the woods.  Ambling aimlessly to get as far away from home life as she could.  Everyone felt tense as of recent.  One person breathing down another's back for simply existing.  It didn’t help that they didn’t even really have a room of their own.  Just a stuffy trailer that, in all honesty, probably wasn’t good for their health.  A lot of their time was spent inside in the living room, which wasn’t much better off. Coated with just as much mold as the trailers.  But they didn’t have a choice.  It was the only place they could go with the state of economics and over priced housing.  It certainly didn’t help that the pale, grey eyed girl walking through the overgrown woods was a disabled adult screwed over by the state.  She desperately needed some form of social security, after all, disabilities CAN’T be fixed.  They can’t just go away.  Her and several friends, as well as family members, agree that she could never publicly work.  Yet she can’t seem to build up that courage to make that first phone call just to get an application.

“Stupid social norms…” She murmured, swiping her long, messy brown hair out of her eyes.  She wanted to feel just as useful as anyone else.  She wanted to help provide for the house, but it’s hard when you only have EBT to work with.  All you can hope to do is supply them with food.  Even then, what use is that when despite the fact you supply essentials for the house, no one appreciates it?  They still complain about you not getting food for the house and when you ask them to communicate or make a list, you’re given no answer.  It’s a constant losing battle.  And so you're left stuck.  Paralyzed by guilt from something that isn’t your fault, because you feel as though you can do nothing.

She snapped out of her daze, pausing a moment to look at the ramshackled garden.  Her eyes fixated on the worn down house just up ahead, before taking in the rest of the yard.  “At least, the property is nice… the house needs to be burned with fuckin fire” She complained to herself, to a god that won’t hear her.  So much for a nice walk to take her mind off of things.  At least, her beloved would be home soon.

As she stepped inside she’s greeted with a duet of meowing.  She smiled a bit, closing the door behind her and walking over to the two cats she had adopted like her own.  “At least you two give me the most sense of responsibility that I’ll ever have” She joked, speaking as if they could fully understand her.  She glanced over at their food bowl. “Ah… that’s why.  Yeah, yeah, give me a second.”  She walked over to their bowl after noticing it was empty, walking behind the front door where the container they used to keep all the cat food in is.  She filled the bowl up before returning it to it’s place.  Both cats ran eagerly to their meal, one outright catapulting off of her shoulder just to get to her food.  While she was at it, she grabbed their water to be changed and refreshed.  She moved briskly from the living room to the kitchen.  It was a small house so it didn’t take long to get from place to place.  Her only fear is how badly it was starting to fall apart. 

She glanced up at the hole in the kitchen ceiling, shaking her head.  It hadn’t been fixed in a year.  She’d since given up hope on the idea of it ever getting repaired.  Didn’t help that she could see black mold between the ceiling structure and the wood foundation.  The cherry on top of the cake?  It was directly over the stove where all the food got cooked.  She lifted her hand up behind her and flipped the bottom switch.  The second light on the far side of the kitchen next to the bathroom lit up.  Thank god it had two, she didn’t trust turning on the nearlest light because of how half of the ceiling crumbled around it leaving it’s wires exposed.  The last thing she would trust is a light that took the brunt of water damage.

Water bowl in hand she carefully walked over to the sink.  She flinched when the board being used to cover up a massive hole in the floor creaks under her weight.  She wasn’t exactly the thinnest, especially not when most of her hours are spent sitting in a depressive slump.  As much as she didn’t even trust the tap, she didn’t have the money to spend on whole packs of water bottles.  She filled the bowl up with cold water before briskly moving back to the feeding area.  She placed the water down and gently pet along the backs of the cats who have since slowed down with their ravenous eating.  One looked up at her with a chirrup, calm eyes blinking at her.  She smiles as she rests her own, silently consoling herself.

The doorknob rattled as someone on the other side fought with the door. All three inside turn and look at the door, just in time to see another woman.  She brung in multiple bags with a tired, but relieved sigh.  As she set them down the cats immediately began to crowd her.  The woman pet their faces, cooing, “Hello my sweet babies.”  The woman looks up at the equally tired looking long haired girl.  “There’s my dork.  I got you the things you asked for.”  She reached into one of those bags and pulled out a long john chocolate donut, a red electrolyte sports drink, some urinary pain relief medication, and a pair of reading glasses.  She picked up the glasses, looking them over.  “Thanks, Clawdy…  I should be able to pop the lenses out of this one and replace em with the ones that work for me” She murmured softly, putting the thick black glasses to her face to make sure they would fit.

“Mhm.  Since the other two are gone on vacation I decided that I’d do something nice for both of us” she added, taking out a few food items.  A nice selection of vegetables, some soda, and some red meat.  “I got your favorites. With less people there should be a lot more food for the both of us and significantly less complaining.”  The smaller woman looks up Clawdy with huge excited eyes.  She’s unsure how to respond, but it’s clear she’s excited.  “...You’re not supposed to buy anything without asking you know…”  She half-heartedly warned.  “I know, but you seemed pretty down as of late and I wanted to do something special for you” Clawdy explained, handing her the soda.  The prior took it, cracking the lid off and taking a hearty sip.  “Let me go put these groceries away for now and I’ll get started on the dish-SSH…” She cut herself off with a harsh suck of air between her teeth, leaning on one of the nearby counters as support.  Her significant other looked to her, her face going from weary joy to mass concern in less than a second.

“Are you alright?”  She asked, stepping forward and putting her things down.  “What’s wrong?” She asked firmly, expression serious. “I just hurt myself at work today.  It stings but it’s nothing too serious” Clawdy responded.  The other looks on disapprovingly.  “..No, you’re gonna sit down.  I can do the dishes” she huffed, making Clawdy stand up straight. “Alor-” Clawdy goes to retort only to be cut off by a harsh “Don’t deadname me.”  

Clawdy recoiled a bit, frowning. “Sorry, Guffaw…  I can handle it.  Besides, you hate doing the dishes because of the floorboards.”  Guffaw sighed dramatically, knowing she’s right. “If it gets you off your feet I’m willing to deal.  You overwork yourself as is while I do nothing.  I’m not budging on this.”  Clawdy begrudgingly waddled over to the table.  “Okay, but you’re gonna let me cook when you’re done.  No if’s and’s or but’s” Clawdy urges, very clearly worked up by this.  “That’s fine by me” Guffaw agrees, retreating into the kitchen to get started.  She hears little click clacks on the floor behind her, turning to see her dog. A black staffie, overjoyed to see her.  She smiles and leans down, petting the sweet spot on his back. “Awhh ouppy, hello babies.  Hello good boy.  You wanna help me?”  she cooed in a singsong voice.  She turned the hot water on and added soap, focusing on the dog to take her mind off the overwhelming fear of standing over a hole covered by a board.

“Oh, just a heads up” Clawdy spoke up from the other room “I think I saw your dad walking down the road.  Looks like he’s drunk again.”  Guffaw groaned in annoyance, snapping sharply under her breath “Not fuckin surprised.  The man practically sweats alcohol, it’s like he’s been drunk for three years straight.”  Clawdy can’t help but nod in agreement, adding, “What are the odds he didn’t end up going on vacation because of his drinking problems?”  Guffaw scoffed in a condescending way, toiling away at the dishes stacked in the kitchen sink.  “Wouldn’t be shocked at all.  I swear I’m about ready to knock some sense into him.  I ain’t in the mood for his bitching today.”

Just as she said that, the doorknob rattles once again.  The very man they spoke of entered the house at that very moment.  Guffaw can hear him, but not see.  She actively holds her head down to obscure as much of him from her vision as possible.  She grew tense, being able to smell him far before she could see him.  The alcohol scent is strong.  She could feel her throat get tighter as he coos.  She knew just by the sound of his drunken mannerisms that he was petting her cats.  An idea of which she loathed.  She actively felt her skin crawl.  It’s such a stupid thing to get upset over, but she did.

With each footstep, she grows more tense.  Until finally she can see him out of the corner of her eye.  She flinches when the light closer to the doorway turns on.  “Heya baby girl” His drunken slur reaches her ears.  “...Hey.” She responds emptily.  “Whatchu doin?” He asks, attempting to make small talk.  The only thing Guffaw can bring herself to say is “...Dishes…” just as empty sounding as the first time.   Not reading the room at all, he continued to speak.  His words landed on deaf ears, in one and out the other.  His words were muffled to her.  The big dog huddled up to her legs, feeling her discomfort.  She only nearly tuned in when the tone of his voice shifted, most definitely giving backhanded compliments and making commentary about how she should be pulling her weight more often.  She heard the word lazy at least twice, which made her blood boil.  It takes a while for what she could assume was ranting to die down.

All she could do was nod mindlessly, hoping that he would go away.  She felt a shock go up her spine when he gave her shoulder an affectionate rub.  She knew he meant well, but it filled her with nothing but disgust.  It’s in that fated moment that there’s a loud popping noise.  The air grew still.  Her blood ran cold.  It’s as if the world around her slowed down and became a blur.

---

Clawdy is owned by @6clawdy6

[panthera-dei]

Small discussion of something I don't quite understand... This is coming from a millennial who grew up finding my own way around the Internet largely unsupervised and 100% uncensored.

I try really hard to follow and respect folks' DNI guidelines. However, I don't quite understand why some blogs are marked as "DNI if your blog isn't child-safe." I understand it the other way around - "minors DNI" makes sense to me because many of us adults create content and use language that is geared towards other adults. However, I don't actually know what the criteria are for a "child-safe" blog.

I don't post any sexual content on my blog; however, I do use the term "sexual" or discuss health issues. (And I use the word "fuck" sometimes.) I don't post any kind of dangerous or forbidden knowledge on my blog, as far as I know, but would some folks consider witchcraft posts to be dangerous to children who probably shouldn't be fucking about (there I go again) with magic? You'd have to actually click on my blog and scroll through my endless reblogs of memes & pretty photographs & SPN GIFs to find anything untoward - and yet, are GIFs from a TV show about angels, demons, and monster hunters considered unsafe for children??

Another point: why is it *my* responsibility to metaphorically babysit someone else's kid online? Is that not their parents' job?? Also I assume that Tumblr adheres to current COPPA laws and prohibits children under the age of 13 from being on Tumblr. SPN is rated PG-13/TV-14. I don't know how many times I'm allowed to use the word "fuck" (dammit, I did it again) before my blog gets an R rating, but generally I believe that my blog's content would fall under the PG-13 category. So does that mean that I'm allowed to "like" the Littlest Pet Shop GIF collection, or not?

One more thing: as previously mentioned, I was allowed to roam the internet unsupervised and uncensored. My mama taught me how to be safe on the Internet and taught me *why* internet safety is important. She taught me which things to avoid and why to avoid them. And then I was pretty much allowed to wander freely, and if I came across something "scary" or inappropriate, I either closed it out and moved on with my life or I took it to her and asked "WTF". (Does it count as another "fuck" if I said it in an acronym?)

I did the same thing with library books too. And I think that having that access and that openness did me a lot of favors because it taught me how to regulate myself, curate my own content online, and learn the boundaries of safety for myself. I was smart enough to realize that most folks on the Internet were grown ups, and that if I wanted kid-safe content it was best to go to a site *made for kids,* and that you should probably have basic reading comprehension before getting too far into a website. Is that not how children are being taught these days?? (Rhetorical question... As a teacher, trust me, I've seen enough teenagers' Spotify playlists to know that these kids hear words and content that would make *me* blush, and I've said the word "fuck" about 15 times in this one post.)

I don't know. Is anyone else having issues with navigating some of the new social norms of the Internet world? Or is it just little ol' fuckin' me who's lacking in modern digital etiquette skills?

[woodsfae]

Babylon 5 S01E09: Deathwalker

First

Previous

ToC

Kosh does not have any human socializing skills, and Talia seems kinda scared of him. Unnerved at the least. I want to know the etymology behind “the hour of scampering,” hah.

Na’Toth really does not like Deathwalkers. How many kill-on-sight species are there? We’ve had two so far in S01 and there’s half the season and idk how many more to go! Also I’m excited to see more Na’Toth!

[intense music] - really, I’d say it’s just heavy on the trumpets.

The Narn costume contacts are really cool.

Ah, it isn’t the SPECIES, it’s the specific person (maybe). A war criminal who murdered most of Na’Toth’s family and resulted in her grandfather’s painful, terminal decline.

“Understanding is a three-edged sword,” I love how incomprehensible Kosh is. And they’re happy that their business person with the funky hat (I want one) has no thoughts.

Well maybe her species is longer lived than you think. They throw around the I word (impossible) a lot for people who’ve never seen a member of her species before and have no idea what their norms are.

omfg. I continue to love G’Kar’s interactions with Na’Toth. “Your blood oath and blind rage is valid but girl, we gotta do this a little differently than most Chon-Kar. For politics. It sucks, but politics suck.”

Yeah, the Senator definitely knows that she is, or could be, the war criminal. But it’s so obvious that she might not be, I guess. 

So much new terminology being thrown around. Wind Swords, being the newest.

Ah, and she outright claims being Jha’dur, Deathwalker. She invented an universal panacea. I wonder if justice or medically induced immortality will prevail.

“You seek meaning? Then listen to the music, not the song.” Thanks, Kosh. I’m as confused as Talia, but far more amused. But then again, I’m also not having weird telepathic stuff going on.

His hat is so weird. And I don’t know why I want one so badly. But I dooooo.

Love the exposition dump by asking a history buff about a subject. Ahhh the Wind Swords are Minbari. And the most militant! That’s...pretty scary, really. The Minbari are so pleasant but so secretive. They definitely intimidate me more than the Garns’ bluster or the Centauri *waves hand* everything.

What a fucking dick. Chop off Na’Toth’s head and I’ll go with you to Narn instead of Earth. She’s the Aginor (Wheel of Time) of the Babylon 5 universe. She’s broken every single bit of the Geneva Convention. She probably instigated new Geneva Convention rules with her depravity. I say chop HER head off and spend the years of R&D trying to figure out her serum.

And yeah, this is absolutely the sort of thing that would cause heads of government to go fuckin nuts. If anything, they’re underplaying the furor that would be going on.

“It was Earth who turned the tide against my race. Thus, it is fitting that you benefit from your conquest.”

That’s a unique line of reasoning. Gives a glimpse of a very strange culture. I think the monument to her vision is more accurate, but she likely has all sorts of rationals floating around in her brilliantly fucked up head.

Full assembly demanded, yes! This does seem to imply that there are lots of other ambassadors here, though. Are the four main ones thusly, since they’re from empires? That would also make sense. What doesn’t make sense is that the League doesn’t have their own Ambassador with voting rights.

“What is need compared to the path?” Kosh remains completely inscrutable, and his thoughtless business associate continues to cause strange telepathic effects in Talia.

The League is absolutely correct in that the war criminal should be tried ASAP and by the representatives of the people she’d harmed the most.

Londo, you shit. You can vote for her trial even though she hasn’t harmed the Centauri personally. Also G’Kar you shit. You can vote for a trial even if your people won’t directly benefit. JESUS the Minbari too? Wow this is gut wrenching. This is how it feels every day that I consciously remember that Kissinger is alive and not in prison.

Well done, League. I support their withdrawal from the Assembly. That was foul. Where’s Delenn? I’m fine with seeing more of her aide, but where is she? (Side note, I’m seeing gifs of her with HAIR?! And she doesn’t look the same at all. Did they change the Minbari design and also change actors? IDK if I actually want to know now or not but I am EATEN UP with curiosity.)

Shit’s heating up. League ships are pouring in and I support them.

Poor Talia, these nonsense phrases are somehow wreaking havoc on her psyche. Is thisparticular  job worth the compulsory hallucinations? I’d say no.

This is so strange. Brain uncovered, data crystal out, weird hat on, he’s out. And Talia is traumatized.

League of Scientists to go R&D with the war criminal on earth then League of War Crime Trials.

These graphics are really illustrating that whenever possible, you should use practical effects. LMAO.

This brazen asshole is wearing her war crimes uniform to strut out of the station. Shit, and now I gotta quote this whole speech.

You and your kind take blind comfort in the belief that we are monsters. That you could never do what we did. The key ingredient in the anti-agapic cannot be synthesized. It must be taken from living beings. For one to live forever, another one must die. You will fall upon one another like wolves. It will make what we did pale by comparison. The billions who live forever will be a testimony to my work, and the billions who were murdered to buy that immortality will be the continuance of my work. Not like us? You will become us. That’s my monument, Commander.

Like, for real. She’s Aginor but without the Dark One backing her up. She’s just doing these crimes for shits and giggles.

Wow, Vorlons! Just fuckin nerfed her! “You are not ready for immortality,” have they sent an ambassador to babysit the less advanced species for reasons very like this one? And how many not-Deathwalker people did they kill along with her? The Vorlons clearly believe that, at least in some cases, people can be expendable.

Talia’s getting it rough lately, although so is everyone to some extent. I don’t think anyone’s horribly scarred Garibaldi (or the ambassadors) so far? But I assume it’s coming.

Scanning the mind of a serial killer sounds horrific. And to have the memory of it be deliberately provoked is awful, and to do it as a future weapon against you, when you’ve done nothing? The Vorlons really are enigmatic and are quite clearly working on totally different operating systems than the rest of the known universe.

-

So Babylon 5 is like, unrelentingly focused on moral quadaries, moral grey areas, fascism, nationalism, racism, and otherwise navigating a brutally imperfect universe. TBH I could use some light filler episodes.

-

uhhh next episode which was even darker

[saturnseighthringg]

Day 4: Secrets

After an especially challenging hunt, Dean and Cas down a little bit of liquid courage, and share secrets about how they feel.

Rating: T || Word Count: 1078 || Alcohol involved

I gotta say, I was really stumped on what I could do with this prompt, but thankfully, this little scene came to me. Soft and sweet late night conversation.

Read on AO3

It hadn’t been a good day. Like, at all. Nothing had gone right with the case, the research took too long, too many people died, the weapon almost didn’t work, the monster just didn’t wanna die, they’d had to call Cas for backup. Yea, a shit day.

The only silver lining, if it could even be called that, was that the case had only been a couple hours from the bunker. So after dispatching the hell spawn and cleaning up their mess, Dean, Sam and Cas had headed home, with Dean’s foot heavy on the gas.

After everybody had showered, and had dinner, Dean found himself in the study area with Cas. Sam had fucked off to his room, presumably to FaceTime Eileen. Dean was giving Cas a run down of all the shit they’d dealt with before he’d shown up and deus ex-machina’d their asses.

“I gotta say, Cas, you really came in clutch back there.” Dean shakes his head in frustration and sighs, downing the glass of whiskey. He didn’t drink it often, beer was his poison, but after today… “I’m really, kinda… mad at myself for not calling you sooner. I should have made the call as soon as the research wasn’t making sense. People were already dyin’. My fuckin’ pride just got in the way.” He shakes his hand vaguely. “So, thank you. For showin’ up. Even though you didn’t have to.”

Cas downs his own glass, and Dean watches, reverent. There’s something to be said for someone who can down some of the strongest whiskey in one go and not wince in the slightest. Angels Dean thinks. Cas had a head start on Dean while he was in the shower. And it must have been impressive, because when Cas speaks, his timber is slightly off, indicating his tipsy-ness. It doesn’t alter the way Dean still feels when his best friend speaks.

“Dean, can I share something with you? A secret, if you will.” Dean’s breath pauses. This was clearly something Cas probably wouldn’t say without liquor loosening his tongue.

Dean nods, not trusting his voice.

“It doesn’t matter if we somehow haven’t spoken in weeks, or months or even years, I will always come when you call.” He levels his gaze with Dean’s and Dean is paralyzed to look away. “I don’t care if we’ve said we never want to see each other again, if you need me, I’ll be there. I’m but a prayer away from you. Always.”

The eye lock continues far past what would be deemed socially acceptable. But that was the norm for the two of them. Looking in Cas’ eyes, Dean could be lost to the world. And it wouldn’t matter, because as Cas had just said, he’d protect Dean from anything.

“Dean, do you understand? I need you to.”

The liquor clearly does something for Dean as well. He nods. “Can I share a secret with you too?” Cas’ gaze never breaks as Dean barely registers Cas’ own nod. Dean’s never said anything like this before. Never been this vulnerable. And he’s trusting Cas. Sure, they’re both a little fuzzy, but if Cas can share something, Dean can too. Wasn’t that what best friends were for?- in the middle of the night, downing whiskey together?

“I’ll always need you, Cas. Even when I act like I don’t, or… I- I push you away, I need you. Prolly more, when I do that. And not just to fight monsters. I just… need you. To stick around. To be here.” Dean blows out a breath. Even drunk, that took a lot to say.

Cas doesn’t hesitate. It’s like what Dean said, he’s been waiting to hear. “Then I’ll be here.” And he says it so resolutely, Dean believes him immediately. They have a spotty track record, but Cas has made it a point in the last few years, to not lie to Dean. That whole God stint is more or less behind them, and aside from it, Cas has never given Dean a reason not to trust him.

Dean’s reverie breaks when Cas blinks. “You should get some sleep. It’s been a long day.”

Dean doesn’t wanna sleep, he wants to stay up and be with Cas. But he knows he’s not gonna last much longer, his eyes had gotten heavy in the time they’d spent lost in each other. “You’re gonna be here, right?”

Cas smiles, a small and soft one. “Yes, Dean.” And with that, he gets to his feet, surprisingly well, despite being tipsy, and hauls Dean to his. Dean is not in as good as shape Cas is, and in a startling show of faith and trust, rests his weight against Cas, silently asking for help. Again.

Thankfully, he and Cas share a brain cell every now and then, and Cas not only gets the question, but obliges him, guiding him through the bunker to his room. Cas helps him remove his outer layer of flannel, leaving him in a t-shirt, and that’s as far as Dean is getting. He face plants in his bed, murmuring a muffled “Thanks, Cas.” before drifting off, feeling safe.

In the morning, he wakes with a start, the night before coming back to him. He may have been drunk, but he remembers. On his bedside table is two pills and a glass of water. Dean downs it gratefully before hauling himself out of bed and trudging to the kitchen to prepare some breakfast.

Sam is already there, sipping on something green, yuck, and Dean wastes no time, zipping over to the coffee maker. To his surprise, it’s already on and there’s fresh coffee in there. Huh? He looks to Sam ready to ask him, but at that moment, Cas walks in.

Sam looks up, slightly startled. “Cas? What are you doing here? Not that I’m not grateful to have you here.” Sam amends quickly, always the peacekeeper, always the nice guy.

Cas shrugs. “I spent the night.” He flicks his eyes to Dean quickly, before focusing back on Sam. “I think I’m gonna stay a while if that’s okay.”

Sam nods eagerly. “Yea man, we’d love to have you.” He glances to Dean who has poured himself a cup of steaming hot goodness. Dean nods and Sam goes back to his yuck.

“Yea, we would.” Dean says with a small smile on his face. And he and Cas share a secret glance before he sets back to cooking breakfast.

[luque-moreau]

y'know i think its about time ive refurbished my psychonauts headcanons/theories

what??? me??? rewriting my psychonauts headcanons in a more comprehensible and informed way???

ye

alright, i think everyone knows what im talking about, by headcanons i mean headcanon as in singular, and as singular, i mean my "raz is somewhere on the spectrum of adhd".

so lets just get into it:

what is adhd actually?

adhd by definition stands for attention deficit hyperactive/hyperfocus disorder (yes, let me get into the details in just a sec). it is a nerodevelopmental disorder that is almost completely reliant on genetic factors, however conditions during pregnancy can sometimes contribute to certain aspects of how adhd manifests itself.

long story short, people with adhd have a smaller frontal lobe, and therefore less dopamine in general (even though yes, it is more complicated than that).

theres also a little bit of "chicken or the egg first" goin on here, certain behaviors or personality tendencies can also affect how adhd is presented in one individual to the next, however its still not clear if that is because it is an accommodating for a certain thought process or if someones experiences and personality shape their symptoms of adhd entirely. its a very blurry line, and the answer is different for everybody.

hyperactive type

hyperactive type is probably the closest to most stereotypical depictions of adhd, think the 5 year old whos parents brush off their child’s hyperactivity as something that will “go with age”. however, this isn’t only present in children, adults with adhd have to deal with a constant need for stimuli to make up for the lack of dopamine their current activity is providing them. this results in someone fidgeting frequently in repetitive or predictable motions, unable to hold attention to a specific task for long periods of time, or many other of the symptoms associated with adhd.(i sadly cannot provide more information in this area, i am not knowledgeable enough to...)

hyperfocus type

hyperfocus type is a tricky one, it can look like the complete opposite of adhd in theory. hyperfocus can look similar to special interests or hyperfixation, a great deal of time and knowledge dedicated to a very particular thing (although it is important to note that even though hyperfixations and special interests are incredibly similar, special interests is a term more typically used within autistic-circles, and isnt really the best word to use if you happen to be neurotypical). Think of maybe that kid who knows all the cool animal facts and won’t shut up about them. Its because certain trains of thought or activities might release more dopamine then others, so to get more of that dopamine, someone of hyperfocus type will be mentally unable to stop thinking or doing a very specific task or topic. this results in someone seemingly always spacing out, unable to change subjects or changing subjects too fast or with little to no correlation, or being completely unable to have enough motivation to do simple things.

personally i tend to fall under the category of hyperfocus myself rather than hyperactive, however the two are not mutually exclusive, its more common to find people with both types rather than just one. even myself, i might exhibit more tendencies to place me under the label of hyperfocus, but that doesn’t mean i don’t have any symptoms of the hyperactive type. its my personality that affects my mannerisms, which then makes certain aspects of my symptoms more or less apparent. Thats because im an INTP-T, i just tend to be more to myself and constantly in a state of thinking abstractly. I have trouble communicating and even sometimes recognizing my needs, and get to a point where im unable to do the simplest of things without feeling emotionally drained. Thats just my experience though, everybodys different. 

so what the fuck does this have to do with raz then?

well lets think about it, rather than have it just be me projecting myself onto a comfort character:

raz finds issue with connecting to kids his age

lets be honest. none of the campers really like raz that much. or at least some do the bare minimum to be try and be polite. it doesn’t seem like any of the other campers besides dogen, whos also socially outcasted, are really fond of raz. lili might like him, but that can definitely be interpreted as curiosity in someone new and different from the norm. It might not be that the kids despise him, but nobodys opinionated enough to care whether he is around or not.

social isolation is one of the most damning things i had to experience from an early age and still feel even today. there is a sense of feeling that you are different among your peers, whether that is a good thing or bad thing. it feels difficult to interact with other people you are not familiar with, and can really stunt you emotionally and socially. from a really early age, theres somethin in you that knows something is very different between the experiences of your peers compared to your own, and it can feel incredibly isolating.

raz and his borderline stupidity

time to get real again. raz is a fucking idiot. at least in the sense that sometimes his decisions seem incredibly spontaneous and not really thought through. he runs from home to attend a summer camp, not really thinking about the logistics of how he will get there, how the staff will react, how long its gonna take for his parent to find him, and so on. it doesn’t seem like he over or underestimates his abilities, he just goes for it without considering. that doesnt seem like the smartest thing to do, even though we know hes incredibly intelligent when it comes to larger, abstract situations. its the little details that he misses, small minuet things that seem unimportant that he overlooks, which can sometimes make things harder for him in the end.

i think its obvious that impulsivity is one symptom of adhd. however i cannot stress how difficult it is to think at supersonic speed and still feel incredibly stupid. i mean, thinking faster doesn’t inherently mean you will have better ideas, you can always be stupider faster, but being able to realize stupid mistakes or inconsistencies in your own thought process is annoying as hell. it feels like every time you try to recognize the issue, fix it, and move forward, you only end up not paying attention to another issue that gets bigger and more annoying than the first. Its always two steps forward, one step back, constantly making the same mistakes even though you try everything in your power to avoid them or grow as a person. The simplest of facts, ideas, or just things to remember end up being forgotten, and once youre reminded of them you remember them and feel like an idiot. however, arbitrary things and complex issues are much easier to digest and remember for me, things like history and the whole blame game charade of it all, biology and how every minuet thing has a greater impact on others and intertwines with every single factor of its environment, philosophy and theorizing why we think the way we do and what can be changed. but oh shit, im a dumbass i forgot to do my laundry. shit. god fuckin dammit.

empathy over sympathy

one of the basic themes of psychonauts is empathy. simple as that. raz goes around into other peoples brains, and tries to help them as much as he can, even if his efforts are not always successful in the way he intended. he never demonizes anyone to the point of unredeemability, and can empathize and understand other peoples perspectives. hes open to new ideas and

although some studies out there theorize that empathy is impaired due to adhd, from my perspective i feel like that is simply not true. if anything, i would say the sensitivity that comes with adhd (hypersensitivity) only enhances that empathy. i could definitely see social disconnection being one of the reasons it might appear that someone with adhd is less empathetic, however i would doubt that adhd would impair a persons empathy. adhd tends to also entail heightened emotions, this doesn’t necessarily mean a more outwardly emotional person, however it definitely shifts a persons perspective of their own emotions as well as others. the concept of hypersensitivity also completely contradicts the idea of people with adhd be less empathetic.

miscommunication and disconnect

sigh, the dad thing. yup. raz has that very iffy relationship with his dad at the beginning of the game which is eventually resolved. very abruptly, might i add. but thats not what this is about, thats a topic for another day. miscommunication seemed to be the root of the issue, however we only get razs side of the story. not to mention the severity of his claims and willingness to seemingly drop everything afterwards. kinda sus, ngl.

alright this ones a doosey. this, i feel, cements my theory pretty well. like i mentioned before, social disconnect and hypersensitivity are side effects of the symptoms of adhd.  this means people with adhd are highly more likely to either misinterpret someones words or actions if those in question are not completely transparent, its because they tend to overthink and interpenetrate responses with too much thinkin n such. the social disconnect makes a whole lot of it worse, it can just pile on top of already established feelings of inadequacy and isolation. and oversharing as a poor coping mechanism isnt an exclusively adhd related thing, it tends to be shared within similar neruodevelopmental disorders such as autism or even ptsd. i find it incredibly easy to disconnect myself from my own emotions at times and think critically at what i feel and how it affects me. which is a bad thing. if i dont acknowledge my emotions like they are my own for too long, everything falls apart. its not fun. but, that disconnect can make talking about certain more traumatic experiences or instances that had deep personal effects on my life and development as a person much easier to just share. and not always in an appropriate manner, comedic opportunity can be   v  e  r  y   enticing. this also explains why raz might have been able to drop everything about his dad after he apologized. he didn’t really, he probably still suffers just as much afterwards as he did before. but he probably wont realize that for awhile, since logically, the issue has been resolved. long story short, he has not had the time to cope, and to put that off he detaches himself from those feelings. w a c k

of course i have other reasons why i feel like raz could potentially have adhd, or at least be accurately represented in headcanon with adhd, some minor mentions being:

he uses his camp map as a journal to track his in-game progress, list of goals, and notes/snip-its of information. writing down information on some form of notepad or book is a common tool used by kids and even adults with adhd to help them keep track of minuet, individual tasks. its just using a planner, but with a bit more information. 

just from my personal perspective, the lengths raz goes to pursue his dream of being a psychonaut feel more like a special interest/hyper fixation sort of thing. he can jump between having genuine conversations with his fellow campers and just exploring the campground, to investing himself entirely in obtaining his goal, even when it seems almost impossible. thats some serious dedication to one very specific thing, y’know?

this one isnt as solid as the other but: m̶̖̰̯̫̍͝o̵̦͖̟͈̹̤̥̝͐̿̄̀̀̎̓ņ̶̛̭̠̐̊̆̍͝ķ̸̝͈̺̙̰̊e̶͉͚̼̅̔͗̂͐̍̕͝͝y̶̦̖̼͖̪͎̝̖̠̐̑͋̾̔̑́͐͘ ̵̢̲̘͎͉̔̀͒̄͌͊̀͌̀m̴̲̫̮̪̖̍̐͆̕͜͝ͅả̶͙͚͗n̶̗̳̩̙̘̼̦̦͇͝ ̷̡̨̡͔̗͕̘͍̥̑͒̎̐̃g̴͔̔̈̅̐̏́̌̔̈́́o̶̥̱̽̆̂͌̀͗ ̶̝̩͙͕͛́s̴̛͓̥̲̜͓͚̣̠̆̓̌͌p̶̜̹̯̦̫̯̣̎͐̽̉̾ḙ̴͇̬͑̈́̐̈́͘͠ͅȅ̶̡̗̞̩͔̫̪͈͑̓͗d̵̠͇͎̜͔͇͒̈́́̀̅̈́̒͘y̸̡̦̠̻̖̥̿ͅ. yeah, its the most generalizing reason but look, hes moving nonstop the entire game, climbing and running around the entire goddamn place wrecking havoc. a bit of imp can be found in most people with adhd if you look hard enough.

so thanks for reading this far i guess? im oversharing even right now with this, like an i d i o t but yknow what i dont want to read the great gatsby rn, so ive got nothin better to do. who knows, maybe the second game will give us more info to either support/discredit this theory? gotta wait for pn2 i guess

:^)

[piplupod]

i fully agree that calling the cops on queer people isn't a great thing to threaten, but also as a minor i get their overall point. i feel that there should be some separation between pride = kink and pride = safe space for all ages. there should be places where younger queer people can go and feel welcome. and it makes me feel v weird to see a bunch of adults yelling at a minor for being uncomfy with kink in public? even if there are historical reasons for its presence, ppl can still b uncomfy

(the post in question)

HIGHKEY GLAD U SENT AN ASK ABOUT THIS TBH, i wanted to talk abt it/expand on it but im terrified of doing so on the post even in the tags bc ppl on here are fucking insane and will screenshot and post stuff out of context and then all of a sudden u get anons telling you to kill urself or smth so UH. yea. anyways. thank u for sending this in bc i wanted to talk abt it but didn't know if i should or not!!! <3

so first off i want to say that i agree with you!!! initially when i saw the post i was like >:/ but then i thought abt it and was like "well,,, wait. dont fuckin call the cops on ppl at pride lol" and rbed it bc i agree w "DONT CALL THE POLICE ON SOMEONE AT PRIDE HOLY SHIT"

i would love if pride could be minor-friendly all the time and luckily it often is. i've gone back and forth on this issue of having kink in pride over the last few years and i'm still not fully settled in one direction or the other bc its a VERY complex issue!

there are historical reasons for sure (that to be totally honest i need to do more research on but ch'boys just trying to stay alive rn shdgfjkl), and there are other reasons for it. personally, i only really get uncomfortable with people wearing kink gear/displaying nudity bc i dont know what to expect from them bc thats not a social norm i encounter ever.

i think maybe where i stand with this issue for now is that it's not going away and it's a big part of pride's history and many activists who got our rights to be where they are now were sex- and kink-positive, often leather enthusiasts. i think that pride is a complex celebration that has sexuality as a big part of it so we shouldn't necessarily censor it entirely (but i absolutely don't want anyone doing any sexual acts at pride lmfao that shit is nasty and you would need EVERYONE'S consent to witness that shdsfjkl). but wearing leather gear and even pup-gear isn't really an issue for me? i know i'm an adult now, but even as a teen i was kind of like [shrug] it's part of sexuality and a big gay subculture and it's not going to stop anytime soon. i just look away if i need to.

i do think it can be uncomfortable for minors but no one is having full sex in public, they're just wearing some funky outfits. this also overlaps for me personally with the whole issue of nudity and the human body being shamed. i think general pride should be at most PG-13 and then anything past that needs to go into private places where minors can either choose not to go into or not be allowed into. but thats ultimately up to the organizers unfortunately!

i don't know. it's very complicated, but the reason why i reblogged that post specifically was because holy shit don't call the cops on anyone at pride, especially since these are LGBT ppl - a minority group, even if they're wearing harnesses or puppy hoods and leashes. sorry for the ramble, my brain is not working very well with words lately :/ i hope this kind of made sense!

TL;DR i only reblogged it bc of the message of "WTF DONT CALL COPS ON PPL AT PRIDE" and i am not really sure what i think about kink at general Pride, its a complex issue that I haven't done enough thinking and research on.

[eightysixed]

happier than ever

You call me again, drunk in your Benz Drivin' home under the influence You scared me to death, but I'm wastin' my breath 'Cause you only listen to your fuckin' friends I don't relate to you I don't relate to you, no 'Cause I'd never treat me this shitty You made me hate this city

words: 3.2k plot: emma and tomo’s relationship, in a nutshell. trigger warnings: abuse, assault, drugs, cheating, violence, blood, suicidal ideation, nsfw

Five years is a lifetime when you’ve just begun your twenties. It’s half a decade of years so formative and important that you don’t really realize their importance until they have flown past.

Emma spent those years with Tomo.

[ SEPTEMBER 2014 ]

A twenty-one year old goes to an Outkast concert. She gets propositioned by a guy. Rough, pushy, handsy, it’s enough to make her feel suffocated, plan paths of escape or desperately look for a face in the crowd that could intervene. Then he comes in with his buddies and they all but rescue her. How ironic Emma thinks, years later. What a Disney-ified, damsel in distress moment to have and to meet by.

They spend the rest of the concert together, follow it up with an after hours at Los Coyotes, wolfing down soft shells in between food-spitting laughter. Emma, Tomo, and his two buddies. The energy is infectious, and she doesn’t want to say goodbye at the end of the night. It’s a feeling she has never felt before; those sparks in his eyes that are in hers too, the way he grounds and floors her. They exchange numbers and Emma’s face lights up as she’s getting off her Muni owl: it’s a text from him.

It doesn’t take long for his contact name to acquire an Emoji heart next to it, the girl who ridiculed these kinds of things in high school now finding herself enamoured, head-over-heels, and not caring for the criticisms of formerly cynical self.

[ OCTOBER ] A month later and she’s packed up and moved into his place, about as happy as she has ever been of late; everything in life falls into place with him, just makes sense.

[ NOVEMBER ] He gets エマ tattooed on his collarbone; her name in katakana. She gets 23, his lucky number.

They spend thanksgiving with her mom in Cupertino. Frankie hasn’t seen Emma this animated again in a long time, composes a poem about in her head as the green beans and pumpkin pie are passed around. Later of course, she pulls out the baby photos, much to Emma’s embarrassment and Tomo’s delight. “You were such a fat baby, Jesus,”  Tomo laughs. “She looks like she ate baby Jesus,” her mother quips.

When her mom falls asleep, they sneak out and climb up Emma’s childhood treehouse armed with blankets. They gaze at a sliver of night sky through a gap in the roof as Emma tells him her childhood dreams of flying to space and inventing computers that could contact extraterrestrial life. They kiss, they make love, Emma ponders her stance on marriage being outdated and for chumps and losers next to a snoring Tomo.

[ FEBRUARY 2015 ] Their first Valentine’s day together they drop acid at Pier 39. An irate parent yells at them for making out on the merry-go-round in view of children; have they no shame.

She makes new friends, dozens, someone always at their place as Tomo plays them new tracks, smoke weed together, and watch the oil projector light show make shapes on the ceiling. They talk about the future, fame, and world domination.

They don’t discuss babies because neither of them care for that sort of shit — but they do talk about moving into a bigger place together, maybe getting a dog or two — the breed is subject of many arguments.

[ MARCH ] In peak puppy fever, Emma adopts a two year old rescue bulldog named Tito. It’s the first, tiny sign of a crack in their relationship, of dissent — she thinks she sees Tomo glare at the precious pup when he thinks she isn’t looking. But maybe she imagined it. He does shed and slobber uncontrollably after all, and her boyfriend happens to be a clean freak.

[ JULY ] That summer, Emma braves a plane once more to see Tomo play in Atlanta. His set is off the walls and for the first time, she is amazed to see just how many fans he has, how far this boyfriend of hers has come from making tracks in his living room. It’s just too bad she is fast asleep when he tiptoes out of their hotel room to meet one of said fans for a back-alley blowjob.

They roadtrip across the South to play some more venues and the pattern repeats itself in Louisiana, Texas, New Mexico. She wakes up in a cold sweat one night in Vegas, confused as to why he’s gone. “Out getting food. Got hungry.” The message hits her in a weird place, but she is tired, sleepy, and in a haze; Emma accepts, does not question. He even returns with some Taco Bell for her.

Timeskip — 3 years:

[ APRIL 2018 ]

Emma is on her hands and knees in a bathroom, vomit dripping off the toilet rim. She can’t remember how or why she got here, but she’s here. Everything seems to be swimming backwards. Eventually she is able to collect herself off the floor, splash water against her face and wall-to-wall stagger back out of the bathroom. It didn’t work, she’s purged the worst of it but still feeling funny. “Oh, Emma, there you are.” A man’s hands wrap around her. He says he’s friends with Tomo. Says he’ll take her to him. Fade to black.

Waking up with strange bruises should not become a norm, but it does. Emma dismisses it, goes to work, does her best.

Things with Tomo are a violent rollercoaster; some days are great, some days nondescript; and some days downright nightmarish. They fight, throw shit, break shit, yell at each other. Things almost border on the unacceptable as words turn into threats, threats turn to action. A hand around the throat; a body pinned to the wall — her body, of course. His weed grinder he threw that hit her in the head which he swore he’d meant to only toss at the wall. It never crosses a line into the unacceptable, though. That’s what Emma tells herself. He might push her down on the bed, sure, but a bed was soft. He might squeeze her throat in the heat of an argument, but never so much that she’s passing out. He doesn’t hit, kick, or punch her. That was what abusers did, not him. 

She tells herself he can’t help it, his mother used to punish him and his father didn’t love him and now he lashes out the only way he knows how, on the only person he can. He didn’t grown up in as loving a home like she did. He had his reasons. It was okay. They were okay. And the makeup sex afterwards? The best ever.

[ MAY 2018 ]  A month later and Emma is walking in on some girl riding Tomo’s dick like the world was ending, right there on their couch. On their goddamn couch they picked out together, hauled up the stairs with the delivery men. Somehow, the worst part about it all, Emma’s fucked up brain tells her, is that Tito is there to witness it. Her innocent, furry son, witnessing his ‘dad’ for all intents and purposes, cheating on his mom. A ridiculously thought but one she has nonetheless as she’s driving away, Tito next to her in the passenger seat. She goes to sleep at a friend’s and sobs the entire night.

Despite herself, she doesn’t break up with him; but the rift is a mile wide and constantly palpable. Tomo becomes relentlessly apologetic. Not only does he beg forgiveness, he does it live on-air at a radio station, on social media, Emma bombarded by strangers she doesn’t know writing her to take him back. Then he goes and uses her personal kryptonite pulls a Lloyd Dobler outside her work with a Cocorosie song she was absolutely weak for. She hates making a public scene but the sentimental part of her is melting at the gesture, the boombox, all of it. Emma stays. He’d been a shitbag, but he was her shitbag, with all his lovable and terrible qualities wrapped into one person, and she just had to take the shit with the good. Because there was no one else she’d rather be with, ripping side-stitches from too much laughter at four in the morning, tears in her eyes for a good reason this time, from one of his horrifying jokes. 

He was hers and she was his, that’s just how it was to be. Well, as much as she could call him hers when he seemed to be everybody else’s in the process.

Emma does ridiculous, degrading, uncomfortable things in the name of love, and yet in the end she can’t hold on to the love she had for him in the beginning. Way back when they were going up on that ferris wheel at the pier and he looked at her like he had nothing but love in this world, for her. That was what hurt the most, because now the ferris wheel only went down.

There are threesomes, fivesomes, sixsomes, so many bodies in between hers and the one she loves, all in the name of exciting him, holding onto him, trying to be something for him that measured up to Enough. But none of it is enough. None of it makes him happy, nor did it make her happy. She gives him an inch and he takes a mile and then demands more, smiling with blood in his mouth.  She breaks down and becomes something she doesn’t recognize in the mirror. Whether it was an act of revenge or desperation, or finally wanting to give him a taste of his own medicine, Emma sleeps with Corey, one of his best friends. She takes pictures, sends them to him “by accident”. She hates herself through it all, every moment of it, mostly for what he made her into. And yet, underneath all the layers of attempts at hurting him she was really just crawling on all fours, begging him to love her again, need her and want he the way he did in the beginning. Craving to get that first hit back, the one she had been on a residue high off of for four years, the one that now tasted metallic and rancid in her throat.

The worst part? Tomo doesn’t care. He texts her back, telling her to have fun, to send more pictures. She’s never felt this hollow, this empty, this non-entity of a being. The day of her high school graduation flashes in her mind, her dad telling her to never lose her identity, the core of what made her, her. Emma took that core and probably threw it into the Pacific. Somewher between Japan and California, it lies at the bottom of the ocean. 

[ APRIL 2019 ]

Turns out, Emma could draw a line, and that line was becoming accessory to a drug deal. She knew Tomo sold on the side to make up for all the money going into the records, but it had always been a few pills here and there, nothing big. But this? Fentanyl, Xanax, bricks of coke and hash? It was a lot. It was too much.

He sells the drugs and her to go with it, and that’s the end right there. The package she delivers to the apartment he asks her to deliver it to turns into a hostage situation, and she leaves hours later, bruises and caked blood on her. She can’t go home, doesn’t want to. She wants to jump off the bridge she’s crossing from Oakland back to the city. Any bridge, any of them would do. She understands why people jump from the Golden Gate now, or maybe always had. She was there now, climbing the railings, she was ready. She wanted that plunge so badly, would be sad to leave one parent, but good to be reunited with the other. Maybe there she’d be happy, maybe there she’d find peace. 

She calls Ben that night. She’s dry eyed and unemotional, but as soon as she gets the right words, verbalizes her situation, she’s sobbing again. Tomo is out of the city, across the country in Philly on tour. Now was the time, if there was any time for it. She’s not even done with the call when Ben is getting in his car to drive to her. It’s 6 hours from Ojai to San Francisco; he tells her he’ll be there in five. She never deserved a friend like him and never would, Emma thinks as she packs, hastily because somehow Tomo walking through the front door as a ‘surprise’ wouldn’t be out of the question. In the end, she can’t pack everything, has to leave so much behind, her records, books, knickknacks. Five years in this apartment and she’s leaving all of it behind, making a getaway in the middle of the night like some kind of burglar.

By three in the morning he’s here, and they get to packing her suitcases in the car, stacking them as best as they fit in his trunk and backseat, all of Tito’s things and then Tito on a bed in the seat in the back. Emma is in busy mode, stacking and packing everything as fast she can, still somewhere in the back of her mind thinking Tomo would appear at the last minute, and how with Ben here, things could get ugly. She doesn’t want them to get ugly. She loved him far too much to see him have to deal with Tomo, the only person in that specific firing line should be her and no one else.

They drive off. She only feels herself unclench an hour out of Daly City, somewhere in between the Bay and Southern California, where she can exhale. She’s still looking behind them constantly, wondering if every passing car could somehow be him. The saddest, most desperate part of all this that a part of her wants him to have followed. One last ditch attempt to get her back. An all out attempt, one where he would get on both knees and apologize, swear to never be this way again and follow through with it, because he was her person, he was her only person, there was nobody else in this world for her but him, but what do you do when you had to run from your person in the dead of night?

She pulls her raincoat tighter when they stop to get gas, a cold and windy middle of nowhere gas station. She’s not sure how she ends up embracing him, but they’re in it, and feeling someone’s arms around her, somebody that actually cares, who’d never hurt her, who was family, was her mom and his sister and everybody she loved rolled into one, feels like a reprieve. She feels like dirt for making him do this, making him worry, Emma was a piece of shit for that.

She says as much. He tells her to shut up, that she’s nothing like that and this was nothing that he wouldn’t have done for her on any night, any time at all. And maybe that, that was the night she fell in love with him a little bit, or realized she had always been, all along, but God likes to play Lucifer’s games with the little lives he watches over, and it wasn’t made to be, too late anyway since she’d left her heart in somebody else’s hands where it would stay. And he doesn’t need a mess like her anyway, just thinking of the name Catarina was enough. It had been five years but she still remembered the day like yesterday. How low he had been back then. How they would get high together and feel miserable together because at least they had that. They had Weetzie too, but she hadn’t experienced loss like they had, she sympathized but she’d never know what this particular slice of hell was like. But Ben and Emma knew. She knew it in that part of her ribs that met his, and she did not know what she would do if she didn’t have that, have Ben Abrams in her life. 

[ MARCH 2021 ]

Fast forward two years, and the ex is in town. Here, in Los Angeles. That very ex you worked so hard to forget, to heal from, to act like he wasn’t there. And yet, reminders of him were constantly there, everywhere. She doesn’t tell her friends, doesn’t tell anybody he’s in town, just balks when his so called best friend turns up in her neighborhood. She nearly grabs Tito and runs the other way, but it had been too late for that and they have a forced, awkward catch-up. He’s oblivious to anything happening, had barely known about her and Tomo breaking up. Figures, Emma thought, that he would act like nothing happened at all.

He’s in town, and every day she goes to work dreading something happening. She thinks she sees him outside the tattoo parlor’s window, but it’s someone else entirely. She’s losing it again, losing sleep, falling prey to her nightmares. Has a boyfriend now but even that doesn’t help, if anything, he’s a guilty reminder of just how little progress she had made, because she couldn’t devote the time and attention somebody like that needed in her life. Not when all she could think about was him.

The worst part is that once he’s long gone again, back up north, she’s feeling that hollow feeling again. Feeling upset that he didn’t seek her out, didn’t come see her. Even though she knew what an unmitigated disaster that would’ve been, the horrible, rotten part of her wanted it. Of course it wanted it. Two years and her skin still itched for him like an addict longing to be in the throes of fullblown relapse. But he didn’t track her down, call, or text, and that was that. Her only run-in with him involves a party flyer papered on a wall, his name in big stylized letters as the headlining DJ at the club. She stares at that flyer for a little too long, it burns itself in her eye like she’d looked at the sun for too long. And then she does the worst thing she could probably do, go on instagram. Only to find he has a new girlfriend. A brunette with tattoos who looked fun and flirty and everything she had been all those years ago.

That was the last tip of the scale. She reactivates her Tinder, finds some half okay looking guy, makes plans to meet him that night. It’s terrifying, so terrifying going through with, but she gets sufficiently drunk, then high on top of that, and goes through with it. Thinking of another boy’s name the entire time, his face, his body, hands and all the rest. Twelve hours later she’s leaving his apartment, no longer the nun of two years she’d become and feeling shitty about that on top of everything else. It was probably time to go see Karen again she thinks, smoking a cigarette under the sun that melts her while waiting for her Uber home. Thanks friends, thanks family, I’ve made terrific process with all your help and am now back to square one. Thanks for everything.  

Maybe in a decade’s time. 

Maybe she’d be over it by then.  

[misterbitches]

Hello! @flootweed replying to the post from before. the long format was killing me. why does tumblr look like this...

I haven’t watched episode 8 yet...or have I? If it’s the most recent one. No.

Is the hornbill a bird? It probably is but I have a terrible memory and I’m dumb so. I skipped the last few weeks because I’m scawwed. How are you liking it? I did see someone say that the hornbill makes sense (without knowing what it is...at all) bc heart transplant patients only live like 5-15 years after but someone in those comments pointed out that he was so young when he got his and that’s pretty rare so he has a higher likelihood of survival. Frankly, this is the only way I will proceed. Since when did shows ever care about the heart transplant health? Never and it needs to stay that way!

What did we think of ep 6? LMAO. I need opinions! And omg it makes me feel special when I can point things out to people because I so...rarely get to LOL. Editing is like one of my favorite things ever so I can be super particular about it but I try to do the thing you do when you’re supposed to see if it works within its context. I’d like to go in with scissors and glue but alas. 

THe mic covering....the rustling....it’s like guys...please. Ironically the audio today wasn’t great. I don’t know why. IDK if you watch c-dramas but I am not even sure what’s worse between them because they dub their dramas. But actually no it’s best to have the dubbing because even tho it is painful they have to put a lot of effort into it. LOL. 

Right? @ Aey! It’s just weird if they would show us more about what he’s done instead of saying he’s done sth bad and not even explaining that....like you could even do some shitty exposition. I think if he is to be a true villain then we really need to be privvy. All the warnings make it seem like he’s a fuckin’ serial killer so when we get the scene of him at home it’s like....actually this is really serious? Maybe his pain is like...for a reason. Althought you won’t even TELL US WHAT HE’S DONE WRONG BESIDES BE JUST FUCKING WEIRD AND ANNOYING! So from what we have it’s just a realllllllll fucked up sad person lol. god i forgot about the dinner! and i totally agree. he really needs them to succeed. i like your theory because it would make the scene where he like blocks the twitter user make more sense. he also says they dont really know each other etc so it’s realllllyyyyy probable that he just sees it as a way out. if not then we shall pretend u wrote it :)

god yea i wouldnt say it is art but i also guess we technically have to since it is technically. in the way that technically performance artists are artists but mostly i uh technically ignore them. Also one of my fav BLs is called the best twins. If you do not know what it is I will not elaborate further.t 

i want to know more abt poli sci majors lmao but they sound DRAMATIC/ hopefully most ppl in ur cohort arent losers! 

hahahha i understand. there was just a thing on twitter about DSA and then the day before about reading discourse. the same thiings. over. and over. and over. and over. we are our own worst enemies but also our own best friends? but i hate tankies and that wont change. but hasan’s a decent guy. he said sth abt black ppl during biden’s primaries in GA or whatever and i was like chill. but he’s insecure and has adhd which means ur more open to being wrong and changing otherwise u will suffocate and die. 

and totally about hiding fuck ups. i’ve tried really hard bc of organizing IRL to like...be honest, question, etc but also like...approach it naturally? because if you’re trying to be perfect and so worried you’ll fuck up you don’t realize that puts  more stress on you, makes you seem like a robot, and could potentially not make you realize the mistkaes you made. also if we’re privileged in certain spaces there is just no possible way we won’t get something wrong. im light and i know that honestly any way to speak up on colorism is going to be difficult and that’s a space where i have power so i just have to figure it out. we should be uncomfortable because we have to sit with unpleasant feelings and sort through our own whatever. that just makes the next time even better and people can trust u more.  i think some people sweat it sooo much or maybe they think their personal life and what theyve been through is more the norm? on the other hand people can be sf reactionary in the worst way and idk what their issue is. there was also a user who said sth very inch arresting about tankies which i thoroughly enjoyed (how like violent lefitsts or tankies / ppl who are like ooh a gun whatever just want to be violent in another space so they have shit tendencies from jump and nothing of substance which i think i agree with tbh fo ra lottttt of ppl. like their anger is actually like “no im about to beat that ass” instead of what we actually want to get done) 

sort of in the same vein re: taking it easy...we coudl all be more understanding too. to slow it down like you mentioned about not being privvy to fucking eveyrthing and saying anything on our mind. i saw this person talk about y2k which was a huge deal while happening bc it was the turn of the millenium (bruh were u even alive?) but this twitter user grew up in a super super SUPER religious household and was like why do ppl make jokes about Y2K it was insanely traumatizing? though my first instinct was confused ive tried hard to like look more before i judge especially thanks to a friend of mine. turns out that with the further reading the more we found out he was just really traumatized; it was very common in religious households to be afraid of 2000. so we could have come at him with no understanding and he could have thought that everyone had the same experience with that year that he did. his feelings sit precedent though but i think it was just very hard for him to fathom. 

i didnt reply bc he didnt need that and what could i have said? he’ll see what the truth is with exposure and unfortunately this was something he really did go through. 

and that’s what makes most people think others could be over the top. because it sounded ridiculous but then it was this huge traumatic thing that we could have never known about. so maybe when someone sounds like actually crazy they have an explanation? of course some ppl are just batshit or annoying but that’s anywhere not just leftists it’ just means more i guess when a ~~librul is annoyed~ but it can be easy to want to make fun of ppl too. lmao.  basically what i am saying is the internet? especially twitter? for leftists? in this economy? bitch it’s the wild west out here.

i am 29! idk if i said it or not. i am OLD u probably werent even born in the year i was talking about wah. i know not old-old or old at all but compared to you i’m due for a colonoscopy.

omg i hope u can get vaxxed soon! are you wfh rn? i hope ur also not in a bad state as in state state not state as in ur being :| bleh what a fucking time. it sucks that you have to fucking do work. well unless u like school. which i hope u do. i just assume everyone hates it cos i did lmao

was it the lindsay ellis drama? that bitch is dumb. if there was other drama oh wait the drama i was referring to it all happened on the same day. idk book twitter that well but i saw something from someone who was abt that shit and wowie! the american people are not that.....intelligent to put it lightly.

i’ll get better. ppl tell me they miss me and im like aw. i have insanellllyyy bad insomnia and a lot of stuff happened this year HOWEVER I SLEPT FOR TWO DAYS FOR 8 HOURS AT A REASONABLE TIME. im a new woman.  anyways you too! i hope ur not too burnt out with school. we just dont know when the burnout is or we just dont know we are burnt out until we are. the panaramiciccici hit and all the things i was ignoring kind of just fell on me and sooo much happened at once. and frankly it’s hard to take care of ourselves. lord. 

Like if you aren’t interested in expanding on the issue in a way that hasn’t been done before all you gotta do it like… spread resources and donate if you can. I dont see the point in having to say something about every issue especially if you (not at you specifically just in general) aren’t immediately impacted by the issue. Like is the 14 yr old white marxist named sarah on twitter really gonna have meaningful insight on anti-asian violence ?

this is part of why i cannot telecommunicate. i dont want to do shit on the internet. i am able bodied so i know that this time has been of such ease for other people. but mentally i just can’t. i don’t have a comment on hand like that and i hvae no desire to engage with ppl that way. i am a super super super solitary person but thats bc it’s MY time so when it’s like all this effort with other people i dont ever want to be alone. it’s the same with the way i approach filmmaking. it isnt a sole thing so i hate it not together. that’s part of how u can get so sucked in and repeat doom scrolling. i was in this webinar last may after [redacted] and this black woman prof said “read with a community and talk” because otherwise she said we are torturing ourselves. you can’t carry that weight all on your own. unfortunately i hate zoom, discord, slack, signal, whatsapp, facetime. you name it this panera has made it evi.. L

you make a really excellent point. i think the young young gen zers are really really just interesting because it’s like this whole new world for them with leftist politics and they just can’t grasp the horrors of the world and the kind of freedom being a leftist can bring. and so many people don’t grow out of it. those people so happen to be the “least productive” in terms of how much time they spend IRL withe these issues. naturally, younger kids are gonna have a harder time. they are not as mobile as well so the internet becomes this place. but then it’s this echo chamber. and many times just things posted without sources. and social media NEEDS that to exist.

i think of the irony of leftist kids on tik tok and while i am happy it’s reaching them it’s just....different. very different. the growth of social media is so good but also so fucking sad, it’s too much! i think the point about not writing everything is major. even i have to do this which is part of the disappearing.y ou need to detach and make sure your head is on straight again. but when you think eveyrone has to be privvy to every thought and you can’t just sit back....which twitter and social media doesn’t encourage. you have to join in. that’s often why when i have something to say it is dense because i don’t feel like repeating it. ever. lmao ust ever. i cant pay attn. social media is a fucking minefield for my brain u can get so lost in it and absorb it but once u start talking you may not be able to stop. 

i think a big part of that is it not being a leisurely thing but sort of just in our lives always. this sounds like a grandpa rant but ykwim. We dont have to see the same thing over and over again. And eventually it gets sincerely diluted or its diluted bc of capitalism or whatever. Or if theyre very young or maybe they don’t have like the greatest way of sharing the knowledge? then it can be butchered. I hope this is making sense...i’m talking beyoond the boring surface-level milquetoast shit. i see really ahistorical stuff on there from leftists (like this thing about NK + africa and it being a beneficial rship as opposed to a um not beneficial one. and it isn’t.  beneficial but this young black girl was talking abt it and noname rtd and i was like it’s just too complex. there’s no good/bad here just bc it’s not america. dont get me started on this.)

but Lol that was kinda off topic but I think what I meant in my last reply about not turning off the voice in my head is about when I consume media, not necessarily when I’m online talking about. Even if I have criticism for something, I’m usually pretty chill when consuming fandom content bc I think being serious online all the time is kinda boring. Like sometimes I’m analyzing theme and shit but really most of the time im memeing.

exactly.........gotta laugh. thats why sometimes im like i cant think lmao. unfrotunately i have been ARGUING with ppl on the internet for rly no reason when  i could have replied to ur very nice fun wholesome message. i love torture. i miss memes.

“ i think the people who get the least enjoyment out of that are those so obsessed with getting upset with anyone thinking outside of their lines as if it equates to them “ EXACTLYYYYY

kekekekeke im glad u got it. it’s like with conservatives throwing around snowflake. now im beginning to question who the real complainers are. 

LMAO exactlyyyy. i posted a screenshot of this writer from twitter saying that exact thing. Like first of all, I’m...an adult? and if you are as well uh? i’m sorry for you but are we 12? But how is it affecting u this viscerally? And if it does why dont u...do...research? pihgofuaipoajghou but honestly everything u said. we’re trained to go into it with nothing. i was only around ur age when i started to get more serious about this stuff but you’re like lightyears ahead of where i was at 21. did i say this but i’m in iww and literally i can tell u in 2016 i did not think 2019 me would be in a union bc i told my friend in a train station that we don’t need unions. i was 23...but the thing is i didnt know what i was talking about. at all. and i knew i didnt know and she knew i didnt know and now i am the clown.

also yes at critical engagement. i had to learn so much through experience and this is tuff that i coudlnt be shielded from. there’s an empathy you kinda have to develop and this understanding that you move through the world as this person who is “nowhere and everywhere; nothing and everything” so i’ve always had to think about things differently just to survive. that’s also what can drag a lot of people towards it like theres so many black kpop fans bc i think a lot of the pain in SK can be mirrored (sort of) through our history. and theres currently a history now but it had to be forged. uh what was my point oh yea however i wouldnt have been able to move further if i didnt have my background to go off of  bc i knew something was off when i started getting into all these things (ill give u a hint) but if i had no prior knowledge and didnt have to think about it then the critical approach is either stale or stupid. 

i had to research but i dont understand how ppl are so bold with little to no research and understanding? thhey just inherently know with also like ZERO experience in what they need experience in. engaging critically means “how i see the world” with dashes of trying to be open adn understanding or whatever. actually that’s another thing like being afraid of criticizing things bc theyre foreign to you so u give it a pass (like we discussed) but it doesnt hAVE TO BEEEE JUST REAAAAAD and then take all the info ur teensy brain and apply it. be a normal human being and dont be fucking rude and racist. thats it! u can complain abt literally anything without being a dick.

as we start with LW and end with LW.....what do we think (i asked this already) omg please share wbl thoughts i THINK i know what ur talking about. well it could be two things; their rship when they came back and the physicality and then pei shou yi. i almost dont even want to use my brain to fucking look at that. i think wbl can get away with more bc of visual~*~*~* reasons (like literally, the look of the show. there’s more space to get lost in the frames. many thai dramas are a lot more literal? this isn’t the right word but it’s very heavily character focused particularly bc of $ i think) though good production also underscores flaws so i am also wrong. but like do u know what i mean? u have to kinda focus on it? or maybe it’s just cos like.....ur so used to it in thai bl idek. i’ve seen tw bl ofc. 

look i swear i will justify this forever bc there are some things we miss right but if u feel like someone’s a bad actor....theyre bad. it’s about tone movement etc etc etc and since most thai bl productions have 0 interest in that....well. they take these newbies and put them in these situations. we dont understand thai but if we see them and we’re like “wow this is really bad” then they’re bad lmao. IDC i will never be like cos idk what theyre saying NO WHY HE LOOK LIKE A ROBOT???????? DOES HE EMOTE? why is he CRYING WITH NO TEARS? and it’s not even a total requisite to cry with tears(i mean for me it is) but it’s just like what is happening on ur face right now young man????????

painful.

the inflection stuff is very valid ooh good point tho but that’s only a part of the piece. plus we get used to the way they communicate. like the ppl from sotus were prtty bad. i dont like that show but thats an ex of ppl liing the actors and the person i thought was better other ppl dont think that? well apparently hes a shitty guy but. um. so when theres decent acting its so glaring.

although i must say even tho i dont care for 2gether anymore and would never like to be reminded about its existence (only bc i just cringe lol) i honestly....didnt think bright was a bad actor? but people keep saying he is and i am much more inclined to believe them than myself. though i am not often dickmatized that could have been it. until he opened his mouth and ruined it and then i stopped paying attn.

although honestly i’m so much more critical than i could be positive. i have ben stumped for the last day about how i wasnt mad at his acting in the show. is it me? is it him? who’s......the wrong one.....(me) 

oh shit they have been denied? i haven’t been paying attn to whats been going on recently. i just got into it on MDL because of snowdrop. sometimes i literally cannot engage bc ill just be like alright well im black so this power button in my head is going off when ppl talk abt that shit. back in the day when kpop jawns were saying some real outta pocket anti black shit (now everyone is slick with it) it’d always be THEY DONT HAVE GOOGLE THEYVE NEVER SEEN A BLACK PERSON but really it’s like no...maybe they are just racist? that’s ok too.

also the past 2 weeks have been um atrocious bc how fucking easily people fell into the pit of white supremacy and started to turn their ire towards black people and making a competition between our groups just like they wanted. it’s not about the women who are dead anymore, who were sex workers, their womanhood, being asian, being poor anymore. it’s about how much black people get attention and why people only pay attn to us. i am not feeling very generous this week for ppl to excuse that hsit.

on a lighter note, ppl say that abt the whole husband and wife thing. i dont know how to explain how angry that shit makes me but maybe it’s because i do not want to think of my body in relation to a fucking penis at all hours of the day. if bls could kindly not do that it would be nice lmao 

yes there are a lot of those. who are only there to gawk lmao. and just idk worship bc of the cult of personality thing bc of how weird and open they have to be as actors. some of the others are people who /think/ theyre really smart (i think im asmart but i also think i am very dumb and i have adhd to prove that MEDICALLY!!!) but are actually not? or their observations arent great? or idk if they are they arent interesting? but i think well..........we have more refined palettes :P

jk also theres just different personalities. you and  i mesh more bc we have a lot of the same beliefs and are coming from the same place. that makes it easier to understand as well. i really try to remember that but some people are really weird so. again just...the perception of certain things even down to acting skills. but i also dont like.......believe this genre can really do anything at all. on one hand i want them to do it right bc it’s a piece of work so they should. be proud of it. cos most things arent advancing us bc representation and culturalism are a lie bla bla. it’s just that when the depictions are negative or not done well it adds to the problem as opposed to the things that are well done are fairly benign and can’t really pull us back (perf example is the black panther film. i woudl definitely not say it was transgressive as a literal work but visually it’s just stunning. and it’s sad that it’s stunning and surprising but still with basically an all black cast of mostly dark people abd like what it means in the zeitgeist yes. it’s also just a good movie. but it’s still imperialist prop and unfortunately and this is fucking pathetic to say it “opened eyes” in other countries where they hate black ppl and ignore their own racialized minorities HENNYWAYSSSS a better ex is moonlight except moonlight isnt mainstream and is indie tho...still thru a funnel of capital bc a24 but who cares bleed the fuckers dry is my motto. my point is moonlight is both a great work and doesnt bring any failures to the table and its existence helps in ways outside of art but they arent the defining things giving us material advancement sooooo i mean it’s complex (this is my conclusion to everything um guys it’s complex) 

er i had one more point in conjunction to above. oh yea so i like dont need all these extra things to make it progressive. like people really want more women in the show and i am honestly like i really dont. i dont want them to actively do this. if they cant do it naturally then let someone else do it. i am not asking for more bc i dont want it from them. when something comes along i embrace it but i do not see why women should be represented when the genre RELIES on patriarchy. there is no complete satisfying existence for the women in these series. i dont want it. i dont ask people to show us~*~* or respect~* like fuck no the people who make it make it and hopefully more will make it in the future but i will not beg bc THEY DONT WANT TO DO IT SO WOULD FORCING IT MAKE IT BETTER? just fucking leave them out entirely. that’s the answer if theyre gonna make nasty female characters then those bitches can geaux. we have other plcaes to be. booked. and. BUSY!

[dungeoneering102]

Improving Cults

So recently I had a post about how cults should be designed (IMO). I mentioned the four cults present in the D&D module Princes of the Apocalypse and said how those were really bad examples. Due to some interest, I decided to make this post that elaborates on how I have altered those four cults to make them more realistic and interesting.

Why I Dislike the Original PoA Cults

In the original book, the Players are supposed to face off against 4 cults: the Black Earth, Howling Hatred, Crushing Wave, and Eternal Flame. Each of them have a leader (referred to as “prophet”) and work semi-together to summon super powerful creatures called “Princes.” The book also mentions that they all serve the “Elemental Eye.” Here are my problems with this set up:

We don’t ever get told what the Elemental Eye is. It seems to be just a pedestal or an unnamed entity. But it’s never explained.

The cults work together. This makes them all just fade into each other. There’s no drama because now the players are just fighting a large group that happens to have 4 leaders.

The cults all have the same goal but very little distinguishing elements in terms of their philosophy or approach to said goal.

So let’s try to fix this...

Elemental Eye

I hate that this aspect is never explained. It was just so very vague and yet its what commands the four cults. Supposedly, the Eye has given the cults their power and influence. In turn, it will somehow eventually inform the cult leaders on what ritual to conduct to summon their respective Princes. The Eye does this only WHEN the Party kills the first two Prophets. So I changed it all around.

The Eye is a physical thing. It is a stone of great power, supposedly locked within the altar in Fane of the Eye dungeon. In my story, the Eye calls forth the four Prophets, but informs them that it will only choose the STRONGEST among them. This is important and I’ll discuss why below. But now it is a physical thing and once ONE of the Prophets proves themselves powerful enough, the Eye is gifted to this person. All others die upon touching the Eye.

Lastly, to get to the eye, each Prophet has to prove that THEIR cult is the strongest and has the most influence. They do this by getting the most recruits and building beacons across the valley. The beacons are something that you can see in the module’s artbook section, although they’ve been cut from the final game. I re-inserted them as buildings that would be a sign of the cults’ growing in power. Your PCs can stumble onto these as they explore the valley. The cult that proves to be most influential, gets to summon their Prince.

The Cults DO NOT Work Together

Around the Renaissance Era, the Christian church had several divisions. New branches and sects appeared all over Europe, and started fighting over who is the TRUE CHRISTIAN church. They all believed in the same God and Jesus. What was different is how they worshiped these figures. The result was a complex political game fought between these powerful and rich churches over the souls of their followers and the influence over Europe. These conflicts ended with people fleeing Europe, the Catholic Church setting people on fire, and a very powerful shift in the politics of the time.

I think, that’s a pretty interesting story. So why are the cults of PoA just working together, with some minor issues between them? I say cut them the fuck apart. They are four individual cults. They believe in the same deity (the Eye) but go about worshiping it in different ways. They each have their own beliefs and philosophies that conflict with one another, and pit them against each other. Why do we do this? Because 4 DIFFERENT baddies is better than 1 four headed baddie. This conflict between the cults, allows the Players to play a large and complex game of politics, where they play off each of the cults against one another to get them to destroy each other. PCs might ally with one cult, only to get into a big mess and have ANOTHER cult offer them help in return for betraying their former allies. In the end, you get a Game of Thrones level game of politics and alliances.

Unique Cults

Now all of the four cults want the same thing: summon forth their elemental daddy. The problem with this, they might just meld into each other and become very similar. So we have to differentiate them in three ways:

How they present themselves (identity).

What do they believe in (philosophy).

How they act during combat (gameplay).

If you distinguish EACH of these, you get distinctly diverse cults. Below is going to be MY breakdown of how I distinguish each of the Elemental Cults.

Howling Hatred Storm.

Change that fuckin’ name. No one will wanna be a part of a group called “Howling Hatred.” Bad guy groups usually pick actually socially OKAY names, otherwise they won’t get any supporters. Let’s call them “Howling Storm” or “Howling Wind.” ANYTHING else but HATRED!

Identity/Philosophy. The wind is fickle and full of lies. The leader of the cult, one Aerisi Kalinoth, pretends to be a winged elf by creating fake wings using illusions. Their main outpost is filled with cultists who PRETEND to be knights. The whole thing reeks of deception and illusion. So I made that their selling point. Make your dreams a reality is the tag line for this cult. They convince people to join, so that when THEIR Prince is summoned he can blanket the world in an illusive state, where everyone’s best dream will come true. Of course, they will all live in a constant dream state, but it doesn’t matter. People who are depressed enough would be willing to fall into eternal sleep if it is guaranteed to make them and their friends forever happy. This is what Aerisi offers. She appeals to the desperate, the depressed, the lonely. She offers them to live out their dreams in an eternal sleep. Kind of like a suicide cult.

Gameplay. This is very simple. The cultists stay airborne as MUCH as possible. Forcing PCs to fight vertically, instead of horizontally, find cover, find ways to fly up as well, climb high structures, etc.

Black Earth

Personally, the Prophet of this cult is my favorite. So to be fair, I don’t much to change about this cult.

Identity/Philosophy. For this cult I ran with the theme of burial. Marlos Urnrayle, the prophet of Black Earth, sells the burying of your past. Made bad choices in life? Did thing you regret? Forget about it. Bury that past, and on the dirt build your life anew. Atop the ruins of old, rise your new home. This would totally get the attention of past criminals and bandits, whose lives have been ruined by their own crimes. Now they can start anew, in an organization that accepts EVERYONE.

Gameplay. Another easy one. You should describe your cultists as being extra tough and hard to break. Maybe give some of them some earth powers, ripped out of Avatar: the Last Airbender. I let my cultists just call forth pillars and stone walls, while others would swim through earth as if it were water.

Eternal Flame

Identity/Philosophy. Compared to the other cults, this one seemed more combative and militaristic. So I ran with that. Vanifer, the cult’s leader, runs a militia. Again, remember that the valley is without any leadership. She offers leadership. Her message is that she is building the army this valley desperately needs and she intends to bring peace and order to this valley, by force if need be. Her selling point is that she promotes discipline and order. People who lack any purpose, live messy lives, or need some kind of a leader-figure to tell them what to do, would fall into this easily. Think of veterans or troops, who after wartime cannot fall back into normal life as they need someone to order them around.

Gameplay. These guys are on FIYAAAA. Make their armor too hot to touch, make being around them uncomfortable. Allow them to be strategically more intelligent, using maneuvers to flank, surprise, and stun their opponents. This is a military organization, after all.

Crushing Wave

Identity/Philosophy. This cult consists of smugglers and pirates. What do pirates stand for? That’s right, an anti-establishment way of life. So the cult preaches FREEDOM. But absolute freedom. In fact, anarchy. Gar seeks a world that he can drown, where only those deemed strong enough can survive and are thus freed from the shackles of social restrictions. This idea of absolute freedom without authority, of being able to live off your own merit and not having to answer to anyone, is something many would like. People who have been duped by corrupt officials, people who dislike the restrictions of society, or dislike social norms. The Wave offers them all a chance to be free of this.

Gameplay. I got Lovecraft vibes from the cult. his cult is led by Gar Shatterkeel, who almost drowned but heard a voice in the oceans that led him to safety. Borderline Cthulhu-esque. SO, I made them all weird and creepy. They talk strange, they walk strange, they tend to stare. Ultimately, while they all fight for absolute freedom, the irony is that they are being manipulated by a primordial entity that is slowly brainwashing them.

Last Point - Diversity

In the book, all cultists (except the prophets) are human. That’s all fine and dandy but I don’t see why it needs to be so. I recommend you make the cults more diverse in their composition. Elves, dwarves, orcs, dragonborn, whatever you got. Not because YAY DIVERSITY or anything. Just because, I think it makes most sense that cults that fight for influence and power, wouldn’t discriminate based on race or gender. This, in fact, could be a selling point for them. Especially if you have racial tensions in your Fantasy setting.

I hope you all find this breakdown of how I modified the cults helpful. Please remember, that these are not “THE BEST WAY TO PLAY.” These are only the best way I found to play. You might find something that fits your campaigns and players better. Special shoutout to @ravenbane13​ (and everyone else who reblogged my last post) for encouraging this piece. I did go a bit longer than I wish, but hey, I hope you find some use in that wall of text.

The Unfair DM

[smollandtoll]

HC: Public displays of affection Poly AU (OT3)

Venture with us into a universe where polyamorous relationships are the norm, or maybe not the norm but akin to being homosexual. Like Homosexuality is a non issue in this universe and it’s more about if you’re a Mono relationship kind of person or a Poly relationship kind of person. The type of relationship is mostly about how many people are in it and whether you’re open or looking for more. All the terms that follow cascade from that: "closed poly" "open poly" "chain poly" "currently mono looking for poly" etc.

Also we feel like in a poly world there would necessarily be more of a culture of just talking out what you want and are looking for and expecting and what your boundaries are - like having talks about how much romance and what kind you’re good with is very normal and healthy.

PSA: We also wish this was more the norm in our universe as well Do you ever get choked about how extra and romantic Geno is? And how much abhorring-the-media Sidney Crosby would hate it? He couldn’t handle being showered with love in THE BEAMING SPOTLIGHT OF GENO'S ATTENTION AND AFFECTION. So many big declarations.Geno is a big guy, he has big feelings, he has to have his love writ large.

Sid would BEG after a few badly timed jumbotron messages of undying love, "Just get those things for Anna, she likes them. I’m okay without."

Geno would not compute, taking it as some kind of affront to his love like "BUT YOU DON'T LIKE THEM? YOU DON'T LOVE ME AS BIG AS THAT?"

Sid: NO! I mean yes! I do. I do love you huge but like...quiet???????? QUIETLY???? Please…

G would struggle under the weight of not showing off, not screaming his love from the rooftops. He feels like he’s walking on eggshells always, he doesn’t know if he’s embarrassing Sid, or worse distracting him. He constantly has to check his first inclination. Geno being Geno wouldn’t be able to struggle with it unnoticed, he’s the most dramatic emotions in primary colours kind of guy, Sid would plainly know that he’s making G unhappy.

Sid in turn being stressed about it because like, it's such a dumb thing to be upset about, like your partner loves you and wants to yell it to the world, and it's clearly making Geno unhappy but .....HIS PRIVACY IS SACRED.

Anna of course is unbothered by any of this, she knew what she was getting into with G, but eventually probably has had enough of watching them try to sort it out on their own and being unable to deal with emotions like two functioning adults. She has a sit down with Sid, massaging his shoulders and pulling his head into her lap to stroke his hair and tells him gently but in no uncertain terms that she's going to negotiate a truce between them.

It boils down to something that goes like: Geno gets one (1) HUGE PUBLIC DECLARATION a year for Sid. It could be his birthday, or Valentines day, or a random sunday, or Father's day, or Christmas. SID MUST ALWAYS BE ON HIS TOES but at least he knows it's ONCE and then the steel trap comes down and Geno will say nothing more for the rest of the year. IN RETURN because this is a compromise not an ultimatum, Sid must EITHER 1. consent to being in more every day social media posts or 2. Have his own instagram and interact with it a predetermined minimum number of posts and comments a month. Sid picks door number one.

Anna will continue to be showered with gifts and roses and live tigers at every anniversary and birthday and major date and historical event possible and Sid has to consent to having like his knee or half his face in posts now and then. Even that gets negotiated because Sid needs rules, he needs terms and conditions. So he can either choose the occasional selfie once a month OR hands/back of head/legs shown in photos 2-3 times a month. Sid originally goes with the more anonymous hands and his shoulders and stuff first; but then he starts seeing Geno's posts are all like: his tousled bed hair in bed and his hands cupped around that wonky mug Taylor made for him in art class when she was 13, and he realizes they're far more intimate than his face which everyone already sees. So he bounces around, if he's done a lot of media lately, or just finished with a commercial shoot he just says that Geno can take a picture of his hands while he’s shucking corn on the back deck or something. Or if he's tired of seeing bits of his life everywhere he's like “I'll smile, wait let me hide my wine.” This beautiful wonderful poly world where it wouldn't be weird for Geno to post the two of them together, Sid and Anna just like having wine, looking over a balcony together and Geno captioning it Whole Heart with eight heart emojis or something.

With all this photography going around we’re sure Anna needs to get in on this action, Sid is so photogenic esp of late. She definitely occasionally commandeers him to be Hot™ with her for small photoshoots with her iPhone. They usually start spontaneously with her finding Great Light as all selfie sessions do and then asking him to take photos of her and then getting him to be in the photos. So Sid can never really blame her or be bothered by it, it’s always so natural, and easy, and it’s fun to be with her and turn whatever direction she tells him, and smoulder ridiculously for her and laugh as she coos appreciatively.

She hoards the photos she collects of them and him, she doesn't post many or any of them usually. She does occasionally send them to Geno to destroy his life (usually when there’s no way he can get to them in time to start anything), Geno always has really great photos of them on his lock screen. Anyway she always double checks with Sid before she posts anything with him in it, but usually he looks great in her photos so it's fine. We love Sid and Anna together, like they just seem like they’d compliment each other so well and have such deep respect and care for each other. WE ARE HERE for Anna and Sid on a small mission together to like fuckin Costco (w/e the backwards land of Pittsburgh has, Giant Tiger or Sam’s club or some shit) or something so dumb like that and Geno just trailing after them while they strategize being like "Is it possible to be so turned on my balls ache?"

Whenever Anna feels upset about her career, Sid's always there to snuggle her and be like "You say the word I can get you in contact with around 80 media personnel who could find you a job in North American sports journalism in front of the camera or behind."

They probably talk seriously about it sometimes but in the end BABIES. They all want so many babies and she wants to be there for them, and to be their home and stuff. We’re sure Sid still tinkers away at trying to find her like the occasional blogging guest spot or something y'know when her English is up to it. He’s just supportive in every possible way, Geno gets mad or upset on your behalf, Sid just starts strategizing and he’s a really good listener, and he cares a lot.

Geno is empathy and Sid is logic. Anna...Anna is probably reality, the little dose of humility they both need every once in a while, smart enough to tell Geno off when he’s being egomaniacal and emotionally unstable because of it, indulgent enough to shake Sid out of whatever hyper-focused funk he works himself into. Levelheaded enough to balance both of her boys out when they’re going off the rails now and then, game for fun and high-intensity with G and quieter times with Sid. In this sense they work so well together, maybe sometimes Geno has feelings and Anna translates them into wild fantasies but then they can get stalled out because they don’t know where to go from there and then of course Sid swoops in with his reinforced practicality and does some research and then figures out how to have the best and safest kinky time.

BONUS:

Sid’s love language is not big displays like Geno’s is (a combo of words of affirmation and giving gifts). His is more acts of service. Sid is just the devoted loyal type, like he will make food and bring you thoughtful things and quietly arrange things so people leave you alone if you’re upset and that’s what you need. He’s a dependable love: do you have a problem? Sid will move heaven and earth to help you solve it, he'll train you at 4am, he'll walk your dog, he'll water your plants, he'll find you a replica baby grand piano and get it moved into your 3rd floor walk-up apartment. HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT. There’s no end to what he will do for the people he loves, he’s just so like patient and determined, like legit just chugs along until he reaches his goals. Also he’s hyper competitive and won’t be out done:

Rando PTA mom: well I love my wife so I built her this coffee table. I’m a builder by nature you know.

Sid: For sure! I just learned woodworking as well! I built this whole house :) with my bare hands :) for my family :)

[sovinly]

Thoughts on icelandic sagas, norse myths, or a mythology tradition of your choice?

Oh man, here we go, thank you friend. This got super out of hand, so I only did the first two and I am so sorry this got so long.

So, Icelandic Sagas: a+ reading material and super fascinating historically! There are a bunch of categories that I won’t go into, but here’s the thing: the Icelandic sagas are simultaneously super interesting in that they’re vernacular literature (that is, Not Written in Latin, the language of the Learned Men of the Continent, which is unique and slightly more accessible to the people (though they still had to be dudes who could read, so that is very slightly but still Notable)) and yet many of them are also trying to appease the standards of continental thinking (Hello, Snorri’s desperate attempts to make native myths palatable to more Classical tastes and apparently the gods are just from Troy now). There’re lots of elements of oral poetry, especially in the earlier stuff, and it is academically VERY EXCITING. Especially because of what’s been preserved.

Also interesting is the amount of meta-commentary in some of the sagas, and not just in an adding-historical-details sense: there’s a vested interest in explaining the value, purpose, and relevance of the sagas and especially the sagas in the vernacular. BUT ALSO I am just really into the sheer breadth of material there is - fictionalized account of the settling of Iceland, recountings of myths, ALL THE CONTEMPORARY POLITICAL DRAMA, LEGAL DRAMAS, historical accounts, retellings of French and English romances! There’s a lot and it’s really neat. I have a master’s degree in the subject and could yell for hours, but will sum it up with: VERY FASCINATING FIELD, STORIES WORTH READING.

“But Sovin!” you say, “Where the fuck do I even start?”

Good question, friend, let me offer you some recs under the cut because everything is out of hand!

Völsunga saga: The saga of the Völsungs! One of my all-time favorites. The same story cycle as the Nibelungenleid, but infinitely preferable. It’s a fun mythic romp rife with heroism, disaster, impossible choices, and drama, including: The Worst Hero Test Ever, Poisons: Internal and External Applications, Dragon-Slaying and Cursed Items, Long Term Revenge Plots, Very Literal Interpretations of Blessings, and So Many Schemes Gone Horribly Wrong! Content warnings for incest, so many murdered kids, dead kid cannibalism, general murder, and some misogynistic BS. There’s an audiobook version for free, too!

Looking for something shorter? Try Hrafnkels saga Freysgoða, the tale of a real fuckin’ dick chieftain in the 10th century, featuring legal disputes + drama, revenge, indications of cultural changes, power struggles, a horse, and, of course, murder. Content warnings for murder and mutilation.

For a basic (but biased) intro to the Norse myths, give Snorri Sturluson’s Gylfaginning a try. It’s a rough introduction to the mythic cosmology in a knowledge contest frame story, with some bits of the Völuspá (the best-known of the Poetic Edda poems, a convoluted but fascinating read) for poetic flavor. Just don’t take Snorri too seriously, he has an agenda, after all. They’re myths, there’s some fucked up shit, but I think this evades anything too graphic.

There are many more sagas, of course, and I’ve left out some of the “key” (aka most popular) Icelandic sagas, mostly Brennu-Njáls saga (Burnt Njál’s saga), Egils saga Skallagrímssonar (Egil's Saga), and Grettis saga(Grettir's Saga), all of which deal with social issues in early Iceland, feuds, and dudes who just cannot fucking calm down and live within societal boundaries. They’re good, but very dense and not as reader friendly.

SO, MOVING ON, NORSE MYTHS:

Oh fucking man do I have many feelings on the subject. And the way they’re interpreted casually, yikes.

Which I kind of hate saying, because myths are supposed to be fun, and I am all for interpretations, but a lot of derived material just makes me sad.

A lot of what we have to base our understanding of Norse myth on is, well... Snorri. Snorri Sturluson, a 13th century Icelandic Commonwealth aristocrat. And there’s some really interesting stuff in the material we have, and not all of it from Snorri! But our understanding of pre-Christian Norse myth is very biased, late, and relatively spotty.

I love the myths, I really do, there’s some good fucking shit there! I wish I had a good compendium to recommend, because they’re a blast. It’s hard not to enjoy all the inventive, petty, witty myths: a lot of them involve trickery and riddles and People with Opinions. It’s really fun to sink your teeth into a story and wonder “oh shit! How is this gonna resolve?!” And, as with the rest of the Icelandic sagas above, some of the prose and literary devices will just blow you away, though translations can be a bit stilted. (Y’know what are great? Kennings. Kennings are great, and there’s an online database for them, which makes me happy.)

Uuuuuunfortunately, the myths’re very poorly understood and often miscontextualized. It’s like talking to a bunch of people who think Disney’s Hercules is a complete and accurate understanding of Greek myth. Yeah.

Like, I want people to have fun, fun is good! Marvel’s interpretation can stay the hell away from me, but it’s kind of its own thing, so I can just plug my ears and pretend it doesn’t exist. But, oof, there’s so little nuance to so many interpretations.

Myths are kind of... inherently political. The Vanir hostages (Njörðr, Freyr, and Freyja) may be earlier deities incorporated into the Æsir tradition as it developed, but they’re clearly marked as outsiders for a reason! They act like outsiders! (With the possible exception of Freyr, who’s the only one of the three to not survive Ragnarök, which, like, OH MAN AM I INTERESTED IN THIS, Y’ALL.) The jötnar (not giants in the way we’d think of them, actually) are also liminal outsider figures, which is why Loki and Skaði get such weird roles too. Myths are about liminality and about society: people get to be marked and unmarked for a reason.

If we recontextualize things, I think we need to do it intentionally. There’s a difference between recognizing and exploring why Loki and Freyja (and Freyr really should be here but I guess no one loves him?) resonate so much with queer people ((suck my dick, Respected Norse Folklore Scholar *double middle fingers*)) and projecting our social mores and restrictions onto myths without considering the implications. It’s so easy to be reductionist (Loki is a Disaster Gay/Trans Woobie and Freyja is a Delicate Helpless Flower Who Can’t Do Shit for Herself/Hot to Trot Warrior Badass who Eschews Girly Shit(?????)) and gloss over that.

Which is fine, I guess, people are having fun and it’s not like it’s hurting the pre-Christian Norse community. But then you’re pretty much playing with original characters and it’s okay to acknowledge that, instead of pretending it’s the Hottest New Take on the material. I’m not always a fan of the same displacements on Greek deities, but it feels a little different to me, given their cultural/mythic dominance and the way they’ve been used in Western society to manipulate and reinforce social norms to a greater degree? Also people generally seem to understand that there’s a... separation there from the core material that I often see missing from discussions of Norse myth.

I definitely am not going to rain on anyone’s parade, but it’s hard not to sit there looking directly into the camera when I see some of this shit.

Anyway, Norse myths are great and I think are full of fascinating suggestions as to a variety of social norms and structures, as well as the liminal and outlying cultural spaces that we can explore!

On a last note: Freyja and Oðinn are both psychopomps for the warrior dead. Oðinn’s hall is Vallhalla (Valhöll) and Freyja’s is Fólkvangr. Freyja gets first pick, motherfuckers, and I love her.

[csykora]

So, a couple of disclaimers: 1) I be a 'new fan' of the 'new hockey', but I grew up (and live now) in relatively rural Appalachia. I hope this gives me the context necessary empathize with the group(s) being pushed aside, here. Please let me know if you see me fail on that front. 2) Private or public, either is fine. | I definitely see what you're talking about with the 'new hockey' making more long-standing fans feel pushed aside, and even divorced from their heritage. (1)

But the fans of the 'new, shiny hockey' didn't make the 'new, shiny hockey' happen. And, frankly, we didn't come to it: hockey came to us, almost aggressively so. So some of the disparagement and confusion of new fans is very understandable, because new fans are a *symptom* of a change (that started with the role of hockey changing in traditional regions) rather than the *cause*. But! I think it is ALSO very understandable that 'oldschool' fans would get defensive, since (2)

the change happened partly due to outside influence (shifting economy, shifting overall family values, shifting overall societal behaviors) but partly due to changes specifically within the traditional hockey areas. And that's- that's gotta sting, right? Certainly new fans are a more accessible target for frustrations than 'the man', when 'the man' works so hard to be amorphous and anonymous. There's still a lot of romanticism and nostalgia attached to hockey in some places. (3)

The very existence of new fans, whose hockey experience doesn't include that nostalgia, means that hockey can be separated from the nostalgia, which I'm sure is threatening. And, frankly, a lot of the areas where people feel like they are 'losing' hockey from their subculture they are also losing other things. But if sports/sports fandom can channel our positive emotions, then it can also channel communal anxieties, yes? Maybe it is easier to focus on 'intruders' in sport than in other areas. 4

All of that is a longwinded way of saying: I completely understand older fans feeling threatened or alienated. But I wonder if they're really threatened/alienated/etc. by the new fans... or is it what those new fans represent? (5)

I don’t disagree with you! The NHL is a business which sells to people who have money.  Practically, the action of blaming any particular fan for that is useless and pointless. (And also ungenerous and unfun).

The thought experiment I went on was about what people’s underlying motivations for that bad action might be, so maybe we can understand why it keeps creeping into circles where we wouldn’t expect it.

The same Feelings Reaction (“this was my thing, so you having it hurts me”) happens for different groups of people. How it plays…depends to some extent on how many other things the group has.

Lashing out is still bad. But sometimes I think the solution is for people to eat their feelings and not say anything, and sometimes it’s for all of us to stop and say, “Hey, I’m feeling forgotten or pushed out of this space when these things happen,” and “Okay, how can we keep different experiences in mind and work to be welcoming?”

Many, many asshole fans are assholes from white suburbs in southern Canada and New England, who feel that they are losing cultural control over something, because they are losing control over it, and they should.

But what I was kind of reaching for and turning over wasn’t old vs. young people*, or white suburban men vs. everyone else, which are both familiar and expected narratives. Why do I see this same Feelings Reaction in young women toward fellow young women?

The ground-in sense of, “I want to be Real and tough and serious,” is a big, big, big part. But it strikes me as pat to say that the only thing women are thinking is, “I want to be like a man!” I think women are more complex than that, and what I see seems to be that the things some women dig into as rugged and practical and real are class-coded as well as gendered.

So kind of the best understanding I have is that we aren’t all feeling like fellows or equals.

Some people have more money than others. That makes a stunning difference in our lives. It’s not those people’s ‘fault’ that they were born in different circumstances. It’s also not a personal attack that other people feel alienated from certain social behaviors, comments and choices that some fans can (seemingly) make without worries.

Class difference is just socially fuckin awkward, you guys. And the awkwardness falls pretty entirely on one side, with the other not even noticing, because that’s how social norms work.

Frankly, I think people may feel disappointed by what new fans represent, and also feel socially alienated from the fans themselves.

The NHL is a business. It doesn’t market to, you know, dirty rednecks and poor people. We know that, but it’s still bitter disappointing to feel it confirmed over and over again. It’s marketing a certain aesthetic, PR image, particular products, to target a certain class of people it wants to sell to. 

When those people react with, “Yes, this looks great, I love this product!” … yeah, of course, it’s just that they like what they like and they’re being marketed to. The irritation that grows up there is, “Okay, but that’s because your tastes are being promoted because of who you happen to be, and ours aren’t. Do you see that?” And usually of course not, people aren’t thinking about their tastes that way, and they don’t know to see economic differences in social norms or how much they can weigh on lower-class people. But that feeling of not being seen is still difficult.

I’ll be honest, in a broader context, I don’t see people passively accepting what’s offered to them as innocent because “they didn’t ask for it”. Oblivious and understandable, yes, but people thinking, ’I just happened to be born with money, and systems just happen to want to offer things to me, so that’s just how it is now,’ is an action that has consequences. I’m certainly not mad at it in something as small-scale as hockey fandom, but in principle, if someone thought about it and ended at that kind of comfortable shrug that doesn’t require them to do anything, I would say that is action by inaction.

(Again, hockey fandom, I’m not spending my time getting mad at suburban college students on the internet, and I’m certainly not going to message them about it. It doesn’t have to be a big symbolic cultural fight, but I think we can still all pause and practice decoloializing our thoughts about little things sometimes. And if someone said, “Well but I didn’t ask for what I have,” to me, I would have a lot of follow-up questions for them about how they see the world.)

By the way, my proposed good actions are, 

“We need to talk about class difference in daily life so we can start building more equitable systems and so we’re all less vulnerable to demagogues,”

“Avoiding annoying people online is always in style! Only follow 5 people like I do!”

and “It would be nice if we can work on casually talking with our friends and acquaintances in fandom and saying things like, ‘Hey, I know you’re from a different background, is it okay with you if I talk about stuff that might mean different money things to you?’ and ‘I’m feeling some feelings and I think you don’t realize this thing means something different to me, I’d love if we could chat about such and such interest we share for a bit and not talk about a particular aesthetic/fan gear/practical and social situations.’”

*I think this is where you’re thinking on the social trends and nostalgia; I didn’t quite follow because I think we're thinking of different communities or social phenomena. 

To me the word ‘nostalgia’ is actually a huge part of what rubs my community the wrong way, because they haven’t gone anywhere.

I’m in my early twenties. The memories I mentioned hockey brings up for me happened in the last five years. That’s still how people play, that’s still how I think about money and food and work and always will be. Next winter I’m gonna be getting pretty fuckin upset again, looking at five and six year olds out on out ponds with no mittens, knowing they’re never going to make the NHL, or college, and good change they won’t finish high school. 

Seeing sappy memorials to The Old Times when people had to scrape by and shoot pucks at bottles in the barn or whatever can be really annoying because poverty culture isn’t dead in 2018, because rural and poor people aren’t dead. 

So that’s just a note/example on how we might see things differently.

[grammarkid]

can you rant about Jennifer's body plz? I'm interested in hearing your thoughts on it

oh, my dude.. my dude, ur rly gonna regret asking me this. like, i legit wrote a paper on this film. i analyzed it for a month straight and did research. for ur own sake, i’m so sry. for everyone else, i’m gonna put it under a cut, bc.. it’s a lot.

ok, i just want to preface this by saying that i know that the movie is objectively just bad. tbh, the writing is terrible, and diablo cody? thought she could tap into the hip cool teen lingo™️? but she was rly just pulling words out of her ass, so i always get torn between finding the dialogue laughable and cringe-worthy.

but i love the movie to death and i actually got the chance to write a big paper about it in college. long story short, i took this english/social studies class that was all about monsters – vampires, werewolves, zombies, cyborgs, etc. – and how they were representations of society’s fear of those who transgress social norms. so, basically we spent an entire semester studying ‘monster culture,’ a way of reading texts that parses the social anxieties from within their monster stories, bc the word ‘monster’ comes from the latin ‘monstrum,’ which literally means “that which reveals or warns.” so in monster theory, a monster always signifies something other than itself. & our final assignment was to analyze a monster film that we hadn’t discussed in class and explain the issues behind the film’s monster – but i won’t get into all that, bc that’s kind of a diff story.

but without going into all the social anxiety stuff about teenage sexuality, simply put, the film is an allegory for the ways in which sexuality and one’s self-esteem are intertwined. literally, jennifer gets turned into a demon, and the only way she can remain healthy and beautiful is to kill/feed off the guys at her school – but, rly, the story behind that is about jennifer’s insecurities. 

listen. jennifer slept with a lot of guys, even before she was transformed into a demon. needy said that jennifer lost her virginity in junior high. did u know that adolescents who have sex earlier are more likely to be depressed and to have issues with their self-esteem? (i told u, i did the research.) and teens with high levels of “sexual permissiveness” are often low in self-esteem in comparison to those who abstain. (no judgment at all, that’s just what the studies say. and let’s talk about the word ‘permissiveness’ here – it’s explicitly stated that jennifer’s already done anal. i’d say that’s permissive for a teenager.) and studies have also found that ppl who do participate in sex will often experience a temporary boost in self-esteem afterward, bc it makes them feel desirable – shocking!! 

so, ok, the point is, what jennifer does with boys after she becomes a demon is rly not that different from what she did with boys before she was a demon – she uses them to improve her self-image. (the only difference now being that she.. u know.. kinda eats them.) bc as confident and pretty as jennifer is, she has a lot of problems with her self-image. she’s peppy and vivacious whenever she looks pretty, but rude and mean when she feels ugly. & like, the biggest fuckin’ insult needy could use against her was that she was insecure?? literally nothing else that needy said had any effect on her, but she rly cracked when needy accused her of being insecure. i mean, she literally starts crying as she’s putting on her makeup for the winter formal bc she can see herself in the mirror and she’s ugly, and the only way she can fix that is to, u know, eat a guy – and it’s not just any guy, ok? she’s not just going around murdering the random 65y/o dude in the mcdonald’s drive-thru or the lady running the convenience store. they’re all young guys, around her age, who very obviously find her attractive. 

hmm. deteriorating demon eats boys who are attracted to her to regain beauty vs. human teenage girl with deteriorating self-worth and self-esteem sleeps with boys who are attracted to her to feel beautiful again. and uh let’s not forget that girls who regularly use guys are often called ‘man eaters.’ like, it literally could not be more obvious?? yet so many ppl i’ve talked to about it are oblivious.

but the thing that rly gets me about this movie? it’s the relationship between jen and needy. and i’m not just talking about the fact that they made out in bed for thirty seconds – although that does play a factor. i’m talking about how the film is rly an exploration of how these issues literally destroy their relationship.

bc jennifer is detrimentally obsessed with being pretty and popular and ‘socially relevant’ but she can’t let go of needy. needy even says that it’s to the point that kids at their school literally can’t understand why jen hangs out with her?? and i think that reason is pretty obvious.

like, ppl have their opinions, but i feel like there is clearly something between jennifer and needy beyond just friendship? jennifer is constantly sizing needy up, flirting with her, touching her, etc. jennifer even says that they used to play ‘boyfriend-girlfriend’ when they were younger. like, idk, that doesn’t seem like something friends do to me?? & it definitely doesn’t seem like something needy would suggest. no, that had to have been jennifer’s idea. but why? bc she has feelings for needy. hint: jennifer didn’t go after anyone in the film other than ppl she could use to her advantage – she explicitly mentions wanting to sleep with ahmet, jonas is the quarterback so ofc sleeping with him would be a boost to her esteem, colin asked her out on a date despite her lackluster appearance, and she also mentioned finding chip attractive. (if she could get him to choose her despite his loyalty to needy, wouldn’t that be a rush? why do u think she was so adamant when she said ‘tell me i’m better than needy’??) she doesn’t even attempt to approach anyone else in that way except needy. immediately after jennifer’s transformation, she goes back to needy. she’s the first person jennifer thinks of, and the first person we see jennifer approach in that way. and the scene definitely isn’t lacking sexual tension?? but ultimately it just suggests that needy could, in fact, give jennifer the same thing she got from the boys – i would even go so far as to say that, as a whole, the film suggests that needy is the only one who could give her that – but she can’t bring herself to do it. she cares too much about her to hurt her, to use her like that, and she even admits that later in needy’s bedroom. she literally says “i couldn’t hurt you.”

like omg the real tragedy of the movie is that needy and jen are torn apart by their missed opportunities. they’re constantly reaching out for one another, but they’re never in sync. after jen’s transformation, needy tries to be there for her, asks her questions, wants to be sure she’s okay, but jen can’t let her in bc she can’t even cope with the truth herself. after she kills colin, jen goes to needy’s room and tells her what happened to her bc it’s taking its toll on her and she’s desperate for needy’s support and validation, but needy is already convinced that she’s evil and her aggressive questions make jennifer retract. and without needy, jennifer has nothing. that’s why she goes after chip, bc it will hurt needy the same way needy hurt her. & personally, i don’t think jennifer was ever truly attracted to chip – i think she was attracted to his loyalty. & she was jealous of needy’s relationship with him bc it was steady and respectful and jen had no way of obtaining that for herself. and at that point in the film, she’s got nothing left to lose. honestly, like, with the others? jen didn’t hesitate. she made out with them and tore them apart at the first available opportunity. with chip? she took him to the pool and they just.. fucking sat there?? she tells him “i feel so empty” and yea most ppl probably take that to mean that she’s hungry, but if she was starving, then she’d just have her way with chip and be done with it, wouldn’t she? but she didn’t want to. she feels empty bc it’s all catching up to her and she doesn’t even have needy to help her through it. needy pushed her away. 

which is why i personally think that jennifer looks her absolute worst in the final scene with needy in her bedroom. she fed a bit off chip, obv, bc it was enough to kill him, and enough to completely heal the giant gaping hole in her stomach – which she plainly says to needy only happens ‘when she’s full.’ and yet she’s still so ugly. her skin is pale and her eyes are yellow and bloodshot, why? bc her physical state is a literal representation of her self-image and she feels terrible about herself so she looks terrible. ok, another hint: immediately after jen dies? she’s beautiful again. you literally watch it happen. & yeah, bc the film is about demons and the occult, u could say that the demon left her body, blah blah, but i think she becomes beautiful again bc that’s what she looks like when it’s not being distorted through the lens of her own self-view. all her insecurities aren’t killing her anymore, bc there’s nothing left. (and, just one last note about this final scene. what allows needy to kill jen? she tears off her bff necklace. and then jen literally loses all her power. she falls out of midair. it’s like everything stops, bc she still wore the necklace, she was still holding on to needy, even tho needy pushed her away. that was the last thing holding her together and needy took that too. and i think, rly, that’s what ultimately killed her. sure, the boxcutter had something to do with it, but there’s a reason that moment took up so much screen time, why it had such an impact, whereas the knife going in and that stupid ass ‘my tit’ line were so rushed in comparison.)

ugh, gosh. ok, i rly need to stop now. all that is already all twisted up and it hardly makes any sense bc i was rushing. i could literally go on for days about this movie, but this has already taken up like an hour of my day?? and i’m sure no one has even read this far anyway. but yeah. i have a lot of feelings about jennifer’s body, because imo it’s rly a tragedy disguised as a horror film.