#so many ragrets

[doriandrifting]

*on my way to get a partially Will Byers inspired tattoo a few months ago and remembering how I got a CMBYN tattoo as a teenager and how Armie Hammer got outed as a cannibal*

“I mean you can separate art from the artist, plus like, what’s the worst thing that Noah Schnapp could do?”

[jaunejonquille]

Truly wish i never deleted my old blogs huhuhh

[khargaotte]

I had a bunch of sewing to do these past two weeks, so I was finally able to get some listening time and start @breakerwhiskey

And I was expecting it to be good because I have utmost trust in the compatibility of Lauren Shippen's writing with my tastes in stories (plus even years after finishing the Bright Sessions main series her voice still feels like home in a very comforting way)

But it's just..... It's so good. It's so so good. I'm about halfway through with what's been released so far (about to start episode 86 after posting this) and I love all of it. I love Whiskey and I love the mistery and the small crumbs we've been starting to get (especially the past ten episodes)

The narrative device (woman talking in the void of her CB radio and eventually getting some response while on a roadtrip across America with weird/veeery low-key horror-y vibes) is reminding me of what it was like to listen to Alice isn't Dead for the first time, and I mean that as a very high compliment

So idk. If you like audio drama take this as me heartily recommending this one, and if not thanks for letting /me/ ramble in the void

[the-kipsabian]

i need to silence my brain its so loud in here

[hastor]

i can’t stop drawing fitzloved they’ve taken over my puny ant sized brain

[thebookbutterfly]

Hey there! Could you possibly write a Sandor Clegane x gender neutral reader where Sandor has a soft spot for reader and reader feels the same? He tries to hide it but one day reader get’s hurt and he patches them up and maybe confessions come out?

🦋 Little Bird— Sandor Clegane x gn!Reader

Summary: You get injured in an ambush. Sandor carries you to safety and takes care of you.

Tags: #so much hurt/comfort, #a teensy bit of angst, #fluffy ending, #potentially OOC Sandor Clegane but personally I think he is pretty baby girl, #request

Warnings: Gender Neutral, no use of Y/N, descriptions of blood and injury, mentions of death, cannon compliant threats of violence, no beta and no ‘ragrets' [1,371 words]

AN: This is a request by @agender-wolfie. I really hope that this is what you were looking for! It came out a bit longer than I intended, but I am such a sucker for hurt/comfort tropes I really shouldn’t be surprised lmao. I wrote this all in one sitting and I haven’t done any editing so please excuse any errors. Happy reading! 🦋 Love BB

If you like this work my requests are currently open! So please give me your ideas ;)

You hissed a curse, gravelly and threadbare, as Sandor sidestepped another fallen tree.

A jumble of vulgar expressions that barely registered to you as they left your mouth. Almost all of them taught to you by the giant man holding you to his chest. The hound cradled you surprisingly gently, but his tension was evident. It was written all over him.

His scarred face, which you so rarely got the opportunity to study, was pulled into a broken grimace. The rest of him taut like a wire ready to snap beneath his armour. If you weren’t bleeding all over him, you might have reached up to prod the furrow of his brow. A silly attempt to smooth away Sandor’s permanent scowl.

The thought shattered as another wave pain tore through your ribs. Every bump in the path sowing fresh agony in the ruined skin and muscle.

Sandor ran a calloused thumb over the side of your knee in apology. Uttering clumsy noises of comfort as he picked up the pace.

“We’re almost there. Hold on just a bit longer, little bird.”

His gruff voice was cut with a noticeable amount of panic. Your brow scrunched at the unusual sound. You had gotten used to many things about Sandor as you travelled North with him. His rough sense of humour, bitter attitude, scarred face and huge stature were familiar to you by now. Underneath those things, his kindness and his softheartedness had become apparent to you too.

All the vulnerable pieces of himself that he smothered and choked beneath layers of vulgar humour and recklessness, had been presented to you in glimpses as you got to know him. But panic? Panic was new to you.

The farmhouse that Sandor had marked out in the distance finally drew into view. Up close it was a measly grey thing. The stone masonry looked haphazard at best but its chimney puffed with life. Behind it a barn lay with its doors open and rattling in the freezing wind.

You expected Sandor to head straight for the shelter of the barn but instead he strode to the front door. The family of four, seated around the dining room table inside, scrambled back as he slammed open the door with his usual subtlety. Which was to say— none at all.

You groaned as the sudden movement jostled your wound. Normally you would have chastised him for being so rude but your head was swimming. Too weak to lift your hand, you focused your energy on your eyes. Willing them to stay open, if not for your sake then for the sake of your worried companion.

An old man stepped forward to speak but Sandor cut him off, “One of you better be a healer, because if they die I will mount all of your heads outside on sticks.”

It was an ugly threat and they paled. The youngest boy whimpered looking suddenly ill. A younger woman with dark hair and a generous smattering of freckles stepped forward. She gestured a slightly shaky hand towards the table before him, before turning to her family.

“Clear the table, quickly. We can lay them down here,” her attention shifted back to the massive man standing in the doorway, “I’m not a healer by profession but I’ll do everything I can.”

Sandor seemed pleased enough by this answer. The rest of the family had been wise enough not to put up a fight and so Sandor stepped forward. He eased his grip and lay you down on the hastily cleared surface.

He moved to step away and let this stranger do her work but you whimpered. Fingertips clutching at air until he shifted back into reach.

A leather belt was stuffed between your teeth as your tunic was torn up the side. Unfamiliar hands grasped at your arms and legs. Holding you down with a bruising grip. All the while, Sandor brushed his bloodied fingers over your forehead and through your hair. The warmth of his skin a small consolation for the pain you were about to endure.

The woman lifted a needle and thread. With a glance at Sandor and his affirming nod she began to count down and you closed your eyes, unable to look.

Three.

Two.

One.

Fire. Your body was on fire. You arched off the table. Trying to escape the agony, the needle slowly piecing your flesh back together. The table shook as you thrashed but the hands holding you down didn’t falter. Sandor’s gravely words of comfort were the last things ringing in your ears as the world went black.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

The first thing that you noticed when you woke up was the lack of pain. Your side still ached, the wound tender, but it was a dull throbbing now. No longer, the screaming torture it was as Sandor carried you away from where you were ambushed.

The second was the warmth. You couldn’t remember the last time you had been this warm since you and Sandor had journeyed across the border into the North. Sandor.

You opened your eyes slowly. The lighting was dim but from what you could tell you were inside the barn. The door was closed now though and soft orange candlelight illuminated the space.

You lay on your good side underneath a thick layer of blankets, and next to you lay the man your eyes sought for. His arm tucked you to him, large calloused hand resting somewhere on your lower back.

His heart thudded rhythmically beneath where your head lay on his chest. His even breathing and faint snores filled the quiet. Despite your inner protests it was the most comfortable you had been in years.

You gazed up at him, not wanting to wake him just yet. Sandor didn’t sleep nearly enough and you were content to watch the way the candlelight danced across his skin. It caught on his scarred cheek. Shadows flickering on the panes of his face.

Unable to resist you lifted a hand to his cheek. Your touch was featherlight but his eyes snapped open. Sandor’s gaze flicked to you immediately. Scanning you for distress and finding none, his body relaxed.

“Seven Hells, I thought you were going to die. Never do that again,” he said gruffly. His cheeks were flushed but he made no move to shift away from you.

Your voice was cracked from screaming but you still managed to mumble, “M’Sorry.”

Sandor sighed, “It wasn’t your fault, little bird.” He reached into his pack and pulled out a water-skein. Unscrewing the top he held it out towards you.

“Here, drink. Then you can go back to sleep,” he said.

“Thank you.”

The moisture eased the pain in your throat and soon you were snuggled back up under Sandor’s arm. The wind howled through the rafters and you both sat in silence for a little while.

Your thoughts broke the quiet, “Thank you for carrying me here. Thank you for staying.”

Sandor’s eyes met yours, they were unguarded and soft in a way that seemed reserved for you. Reserved for these conversations in the dark.

His voice was low as he replied, “I would have carried you to the ends of the earth, little bird.”

You studied him, the scars that mottled his skin, the cut on his brow and the curl of his mouth. Something deep within you settled, like a cat stretching out on a rug.

“You’re a good man, Sandor Clegane,” you said.

The conviction in your voice hit him harder than any blow on the battlefield ever had. The tidal wave of emotions that followed threatened to take him under but he swallowed them down.

You pretended not to notice his watery eyes and he lifted his spare hand to stroke your head. “Go to sleep, I’ll keep you safe.”

You nodded sleepily, too tired to fight it off any longer. A few seconds pass before you feel it. The soft press of his lips on your forehead. They linger there for a while before he pulls back, the warmth that they leave behind searing like a brand on your skin. You smile as you drift off, lulled to sleep by his warm embrace and steady breathing.

“Goodnight, little bird.”

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

yes or no?, m | jjk

pairing(s): jungkook x reader, slight yoongi x reader

summary: Jeon Jungkook is distraught to know he can't jack off. After all, he spent all that money to complete his tattoo sleeve. He wasn't about to ruin all that hard work just for a quick nut. But it's going to take a while to heal. Days – no, weeks! – with no masturbating. Waaah! Why did he pick his right arm?! Thankfully, noona to the rescue... right? RIGHT?!

warnings: rated M (18+) for language; slight crack b/c JK's POV; JK is whipped, welp; smut (fem reader, minor D/s dynamics, sexual fantasies, heavy petting / teasing, cock-and-ball torture, finger sucking, spit kink, handjob / m-masturbation, edging / orgasm denial, hair-pulling kink, nipple play, m-receiving oral, multiple orgasms, mentioned forearm kink); noona!reader; pleasure is JK-focused and JK's POV

'magic-8' ball noona is back! no need to read, just know there's a yoongi x reader x jk sex triangle and they're roommates :D

--

Jeon Jungkook was in pain, horny, and depressed.

On the plus side, his tattoo sleeve was almost completed!

Woohoo!

Sigh, no, he still felt like throwing himself into a wall and sliding down to become an unmoving puddle of goo. So tired. He always felt like this after the adrenaline of a long tattoo session. Session days were fun while he was in the studio hanging out with the tattoo artist, even for hours on end. He had brought his own snacks, plenty of water, and pain medication. The artist had even brought lunch for him – probably because Jungkook was spending a LOT of money covering up some old tattoos he ragretted regretted, but hey! Free food! Jungkook was always happy to receive free meat!

Wait. That sound weird.

Eh.

Anyway.

He sighed as he fumbled with his keys, trying to use his left hand as much as possible. Today, the artist had worked on his right forearm and filling in his elbow with black. The skin there was irritated and covered in plastic, which made it annoying to do common tasks he noticed. Great. Another day of not getting off. Yeah, Jungkook loved getting tattoos but it made him grumpy that he couldn’t just jerk off whenever he wanted.

What?!

It was a legitimate reason to be grumpy, dammit.

Why did Jungkook pick his right arm for his tattoo sleeve? Simple. He had no foresight and tattoos were permanent. Whoops. (He was not an idiot. Trust.) He finally got the key into the lock and turned it. His life wouldn’t be so hard (keke) if it wasn’t for his current living arrangements. To be clear, he really did love living in Kim Seokjin’s house full of his friends. There was just one problem. One very sexy problem.

He opened the door cautiously, wondering if he would hear moaning today.

Silence.

Whew.

The house smelled really good though. Like food. Mmmm. Food. Jungkook wandered in, loosely holding onto the strap of his large black bag and stepping out of his shoes, neatly settling them into their spot… to avoid getting scolded later. He was a good boy.

Sometimes.

The current residents of the home were: Kim Seokjin, the owner of the house, actor, and professional whaler in too many games; Kim Taehyung, a fashion model and close friend that had taken over Park Jimin’s spot after Jimin had moved out to work overseas for a while; Min Yoongi, a music producer and quite possibly sex on legs (Taehyung’s words, one had to be there for it to be funny); and the Magic-8 ball noona. The only girl. Also, she was, erm, part of a consensual sex triangle that Jungkook was a member of but he definitely didn’t start it.

Really…!

Anyway.

She had a real name but Jungkook was always going to remember that cursed hunk of plastic denying him twenty-six times. Besides, it was just easier to refer to her as noona since she was the one female and older than him. It was proper and polite. She was only by name when he was on his knees and begging to cum.

Cough.

Anyway!

He made his way into the kitchen carefully. It wasn’t unusual for the house to be fairly quiet as it was quite common for the introverts to split up and occupy themselves with their respective hobbies, especially when Taehyung went out with his friends. Jungkook vaguely remembered Taehyung saying he was going to a sauna with his squad or something like that. Seokjin was probably playing MapleStory in the master bedroom with his headphones on. Something about a new update. He wasn’t coming out unless to eat and even that would be rare. Yoongi and noona… well, they were either fucking or holed up in their respective rooms being creative.

Oh.

Yeah, did he mention the other part of this sex triangle was his sharp-witted, cat-eyed, resting-bitch-face-but-secretly-a-tsundere hyung? And the first place Jungkook witnessed Yoongi and her having sex was the kitchen he was about to walk into? His dick twitched every time he entered the kitchen because of it. He both felt guilty and became aroused by the wrongness of it. Then got more turned on when he remembered that he couldn’t masturbate tonight. Maybe he should just touch himself with his left hand to relieve some pressure. Or make it worse. On purpose.

Ugh, maybe he really was a masochist.

Jungkook rounded the corner and yelped when found himself cornered by his hyung and his noona glaring at him.

“Wah!”

“Oh, look who decided to show up,” his grumpy hyung grumbled.

“There you are,” his mischievous noona mused, waving about a ladle like it was a magic wand. “Sit down, sit down. You must be hungry after a long day.”

“Why didn’t you text? We ended up having dinner without you, hah,” Yoongi hmphed, poking Jungkook in the chest. The older male looked tired and overworked. One glance between the glowing, calm smile to Yoongi’s messy black hair sticking up in every direction. It was pretty clear what went down. RIP, hyung. His hyung was wearing an elegant black silk pajama shirt and matching pants with the waistband slightly askew. Red mark on the fair skin of his exposed collarbone.

Here? Or in her bed? Or in his bed? Or… mine so it smells just like them?

It was an irrelevant thought, as Jungkook rarely slept in his own bed despite having one. He had a bad habit unique quirk of falling asleep wherever he was, whenever he felt the need to sleep. This greatly annoyed Seokjin and made Taehyung laugh. Sometimes Jungkook would wake up with the latter guy sleeping on top of him like a handsome sloth. Just Taehyung things. But most times, Jungkook was in his noona’s bed.

Hey! It was a comfy bed.

Ahem.

Jungkook received another sharp poke and he jumped, stumbling as he was pushed to the kitchen island, extra startled as Yoongi wordlessly pulled out the seat for him. He got a what? look in response, complete with black strands falling over those narrowed dark brown eyes.

“Don’t you have to be careful about your arm, especially the first night?” Yoongi puffed. “Don’t get used to it.”

“O-Oh… yeah… t-thanks, hyung.”

Yoongi pretended not to hear and scooted himself towards the stove. She was standing next to a pot on low heat looking remarkably put together in red plaid pajamas. Jungkook plopped his butt onto the tall chair and put his bag on the other, yanking off his beanie. Ruffled his hair quickly to avoid his short black hair looking flat and dumb. He pretended like he wasn’t checking out the way her juicy butt completely filled out the pants and the way they clung to her lush hips. He pretended he didn’t notice that the top was relatively cropped and he could clearly see her amazing waist to ass ratio. He definitely didn’t say anything about how nice it was to see the beautiful curve of her neck due to the cute sheep-shaped claw clip collecting her hair back. And he surely didn’t go completely breathless when she turned around with a steaming bowl, suddenly realizing her pajama shirt was held together by only a single button in the center and she clearly wasn’t wearing a bra. There was a row of buttons; she just hadn’t done them up.

Fuck.

It was violently unfair that she was allowed to look this hot in normal clothes.

She leaned over the counter and placed the bowl in front of him. He could see down her shirt. Damn. Even through the flannel fabric, Jungkook could still see the peaks of her nipples if he really stared. Really, really stared. For maybe ten seconds.

He jumped at the clink of a metal spoon against ceramic.

“You should eat,” she said with an enigmatic smile. Gracefully balanced her chin on the back of her knuckles, her fingers fanned downwards, her elbows resting on the counter to look into his eyes.

Shit, he was smooth melting like butter under that hot gaze.

“Pick your jaw off the floor,” said a gruff voice in Daegu satoori.

Jungkook jolted as crabby Yoongi appeared seemingly out of nowhere – well, he was here the whole time, oop – and cocked an eyebrow at him. Now the older two were both standing side by side, observing him expectantly. It was only then that Jungkook looked down and realized what was in front of him.

“Wait… it’s not my birthday.”

She chuckled. Her eyes sparkled with mirth. Ugh, he loved seeing them directed at him. “Seaweed soup will be good after a long tattoo day. You need nutrients. You need energy. Plus, Yoongi added beef in there for you. There’s some rice too, but not too much because Yoongi said you don’t like having too many carbs before sleeping. More meat, as you like it,” she concluded, using the spoon to show him all the ingredients. “We made it for you. Eat.”

She smiled exactly how the Cheshire cat would grin. He glanced at Yoongi who was staring at his fingernails like they were the most interesting thing in the world. They stood close to each other. No mistaking their closeness. The worst (best?) part was that even though Jungkook knew exactly what had happened while he was gone all those hours, he didn’t find this scene offensive.

In fact, he felt a bit teary from their consideration.

“T-Thanks…”

He took the spoon from her, his inhale hitching as his fingertips brushed against hers. Oh, her hands. Those lovely hands. His gaze shifted up, his heart beating fast. The side of her lips tugged upwards.

A smile turned smirk.

His cock twitched as Jungkook remembered her smirking face grinning up at him with his cum drenched all over her tongue. The last time he had jacked off into her mouth.

Argh!

He had used his left hand, mostly because he wasn’t sure if he was supposed to do the repeated motion of bending his right arm and bringing the utensil to his mouth right now. Hmmmm. He scrunched up his face and wrinkled his nose. It probably wouldn’t be the best idea. He didn’t want to mess up the line work and all that nice color shading. He was already doing the cover ups, after all. Plus, it did hurt a little moving too much. He would just see how far he could get. It was pretty easy since it was soup and the pieces of beef were cut pretty small.

They must have thought of that.

Jungkook tried not to cry grateful tears into his seaweed soup as he heard his hyung and noona busy themselves with cleaning the kitchen, ‘cause that would be utterly embarrassing and not very manly, sniff.

Thankfully, he was saved by his rising boner.

The thing was, Jungkook was pretty sure he wasn’t turned on by pain. Ahem. Okay, maybe a little (lotta) bit. But, time and place! This was precisely why he picked a very cool and very talented male tattoo artist. He could ask questions and be noisy and immature and not feel bad. Jungkook liked female artists but he would get too mentally distracted because he didn’t really know what to talk about, so his mind would end up wandering to another set of hands and then, bam! A not useful boner. Also, he didn’t want to creep anybody out or make them uncomfortable. That would be mean.

But, uh.

Jungkook was beginning to realize he enjoyed and hated these long sessions. He enjoyed them because he very much considered his tattoo artist his friend. He enjoyed them because his close friends were supportive, bought him snacks, and told him he was cool or brave for getting so many tattoos (very important, yup). And, yeah, he liked the repeated stabbing (it was addictive, okay?!). But he also enjoyed them because of how attentive his noona was before and during the aftercare process. She helped him prepare his bag prior to the appointment, would make sure to remind him to keep the area hydrated, make him his favorite meals (meat!), and be the first to help him in case he needed it. As for the hate part…

Ugh, it made him so fucking horny knowing he couldn’t get off without her help.

Yeah, sure, he could use his left hand. But the nut would be pisslow awful and not at all satisfying. Of course, Jungkook could wait and use his right when he felt like it was fine but that wouldn’t be for a while. He didn’t spend all that money to have to explain that he wanted a touch-up because he needed to cum being around a literal sex goddess his noona (not to mention what a mortifying thing to say to his poor tattoo artist that didn’t need to know all that). And there was no way in hell Jungkook was going to avoid his noona during his recovery. She had just made him seaweed soup! Oh, yeah, and Yoongi was there too. Anyway, the forced waiting turned him on even more than usual because there was a real reason behind it. After his first long session, he even clumsily edged himself with his left hand, multiple times, before he asked her to get him off, just so it felt even better when her lips closed around his leaking, desperate cock.

Jungkook choked on some beef.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m – ack! – fine. Totally fine!” he managed to hack out in a very not-fine tone.

“You look like you’re choking,” Yoongi commented matter-of-factly, eerily similar to a narrator of a nature documentary.

“Be careful,” she laughed, coming around the counter to rub his back. Aaaah! Jungkook lifted his right arm slightly and tried to subtly punch his dick down into submission but, as it turned out, his erection was as stubborn as he was. Awesome. Not to mention space was very limited under the counter. Shit. She patted in between his shoulder blades. “Want some water?”

“No, hah, I’m f-fine,” he wheezed, freezing up a little at her touch. He thought he was used to it by now but he really wasn’t, especially when his dick was already halfway up the stairs to heaven. Down to hell to the circle of lust? Whatever. She wasn’t too close, as she was on his right side, but he had enough memories to know how skin-to skin felt, enough times of her breasts pressed to his back and her hands exploring his chest, enough moments of her agile fingers splayed out over his pecs like blooming flowers, running her nails over his skin, flicking his nipples, all the while tracing her tongue along the base of his neck with her hard nipples rubbing against his shivering back…

Okay.

Jungkook was not fine.

“It’s kinda warm…” he mumbled as she moved away.

“That’s because you’re still wearing your jacket and having hot soup,” Yoongi pointed out, putting away some bowls. “Take it off.”

“Want help?”

It was a very innocent suggestion. Thus, Jungkook spent the next minute trying not to reveal that he had popped a boner while eating seaweed soup, sitting up and sticking out his arms like a Ken doll, letting those dreamy, long fingers peel away his oversized white and black racer jacket. Left arm first, then the right, taking care to slide it off, the sleeve cocoon stripping back to reveal the beautiful butterfly that was his fresh, brightly inked right arm.

“Oh? That’s right, you were covering up some big tattoos today, huh?” Yoongi perked up, his raspy voice with a twinge of curiosity, padding over to investigate. Underneath the jacket, Jungkook had worn a closely fitted, white, ribbed tank top. Comfy but wouldn’t get in the way. “Ho, so much color. Quite rockstar of you. You’re become such a cool guy, heh.”

“I wanted the individual images to stand out more and the artist suggested adding some color,” Jungkook clarified, slurping away at his dinner again. “I just trusted him.”

“He did such a good job,” she was saying, delicately holding his hand. Jungkook tried not to melt into a puddle. “The gradient is fantastic. The text here looks cleaner too.”

“Oh, yeah, I asked him to clean up some of my older tattoos too. For consistency.”

He continued munching happily until…

“So, what’s with the boner?”

Jungkook nearly choked again.

“Ay, Yoongi-ssi, leave him alone,” she chided, smacking Yoongi in the butt. Received a scalding squinty side-eye in response but she didn’t seem to give a shit. Nerves of steel. “You know he can’t cum unless I let him.”

Wow, okay, way to broadcast the facts!

“Hey!”

She tilted her head and rubbed the tip of his nose. Open-mouthed smirk included. Gulp. “Am I wrong?”

Against his better judgement, Jungkook pouted. “Noona…”

She patted his thigh. Condescendingly. He intensified his pout but it was futile. “Finish eating, okay? I’ll help you out in the shower…” She winked, devilish. “As usual.”

Yoongi snickered. “Just don’t be too loud.”

“Put on some headphones then,” she countered.

“Oi, I’m not blowing out my eardrums.”

“Then listen,” she hummed, caressing Jungkook’s jeans. “Or watch. No one’s stopping you.”

The bottom of Yoongi’s lips upturned, giving him the expression of a disgruntled cat. “I have to sleep.”

“Oh, like you don’t sleep enough, grandpa.”

“That wasn’t what you were calling me when I had you folded in half under me.”

Jungkook was left to slurp his soup to the sound of their bickering as her hand gently stroked the inside of his thigh. It could be worse. Could be better too, like her unzipping him and establishing dominance by jacking him off at the kitchen island. But Yoongi was not so easily fazed, so she didn’t, and Jungkook cried at (and secretly enjoyed) the feeling of pre-cum soaking through his underwear.

Turns out, he didn’t have to wait that long to enjoy suffering.

Er.

Attention?

Towards the end of his meal was getting a bit annoying to scoop up what was left, so Jungkook put down the spoon to pick up the bowl and drink of the rest of the soup. For a brief second, he was let go and he noticed Yoongi was flicking his hand over his noona’s chest. She grabbed his hand, pulling that scowling face to her into a sudden and tense kiss. Hey, he wasn’t above some adult entertainment while eating. Well, maybe not during the majority of the meal, but Jungkook kept a (big) peeper out. From his periphery, he saw Yoongi slip his hands under her shirt and heard her murmur in satisfaction, trailing kisses over Yoongi’s face. He saw his hyung smile in response, warm and genuine and butterfly-inducing.

Jungkook lowered the bowl slowly as Yoongi opened his eyes.

And winked.

Devilish.

“I’m leaving,” Yoongi suddenly announced, untangling himself and slinking away.

His noona snickered and shook her head. “Okay, nerd.”

Then she turned around and, before Jungkook could say anything about Yoongi running away like a criminal undercover, she revealed that her shirt was now open and fully exposing her perky tits and large, hard nipples.

“Oh!”

Jungkook felt his eyeballs nearly pop out of his skull at the unexpected surprise.

She acted as if they could ever have a normal conversation with her boobs right in front of his face. “So, are you still tired? Just wanna get washed up and go to sleep?”

He tried to answer but from the first word it was impossible. Her pajama shirt was sliding down her perfect shoulders, revealing smooth skin and the flannel fabric cradled her breasts, framing them perfectly. She smelled fresh and fruity, just like her signature lotion scent. Blackberry and vanilla. Her forearms lay against his thighs, forcing his body to turn, and he gasped as her fingers fanned out over his muscular thighs and squeezed them, basically half-crawling into his lap to look up at him, asking her questions in a very leisurely and unbothered tone.

“Tired…?” he echoed, his brain in a completely different dimension. “Wuh?”

Her hands glided up his sides and delicately closed in around his waist. He gasped, stiffening as her touch encased him, feeling the action through the fabric of his tank top. She hummed softly, caressing his waist. Slow. Tender. Not a second of rushing even though blood was rushing straight down into his dick at record speed. He felt her gaze on him and shifted his own to her face, seeing her observe him with lovely eyes that contained all the innocence of a kumiho.

So, none at all.

Her smile reappeared, mysterious and sinful.

Her palm grazed over his tense abdomen and he whimpered under his breath. Or so he thought.

“Feeling good?” she asked serenely.

“Y… Yeah…”

Down. Tracing the button of his jeans. His breath caught in his throat. Fingertip by fingertip, in slow motion, tapping lightly on his bulge. Barely any pressure. Solidly tucked between his legs, her ass sticking out. He would be fine with the other side of the view too. This house needed more mirrors, Jungkook concluded.

“Do you remember why you came to me?”

He stopped staring at her ass as the question registered. He was holding his right arm out and his left elbow was resting on the counter. “In the beginning?”

“Mhm.”

She was now cupping his covered erection and pulsing her grip around it, making his cock throb and leak everywhere. Great. His boxer briefs were a cum-filled mess now, surely. He could feel the squish and the stimulation against the tip. Agonizing pleasure.

His cheeks warmed. “Ah… Yeah… because… my previous girlfriends said I f-fucked like a robot…”

“You think maybe you just weren’t that into them?” she questioned, running her fingertips of her other hand along his back and waist, sending tingles up his spine.

“I…” It was impossible to concentrate. “Ah… Well… A-Aren’t you supposed to fall f-for their personality first…?”

“Is that why you’re into me? My personality?”

Jungkook looked down.

Right at her personali-titties.

He swallowed so hard that he almost choked.

Again.

“Hm?” she mused.

Ripped his gaze from the visual of her prominent nipples hanging down next to his open thighs and into that sly stare that knew everything. Gulp. She continued toying with his crotch, stroking along the length, dipping down to pat the outline of his balls, smirking wider as his cock jerked in his pants. The roar of his heartbeat thundered in his ears. Fuck. It was the power in that gaze. The confidence in her stance. The ability to be below him and be completely, utterly in control. The taste of forbidden fruit, just within reach. The sensation of his whole body being overcome with want and the way she gladly overwhelmed all his senses by her presence alone. She didn’t have to touch him at all. She didn’t have to expose herself. She didn’t have to smell so good. She didn’t have to.

She simply chose to do all those things to drive him even more crazy.

“Yes or no?” she purred.

He could lie, but he was a terrible liar.

“Y… Yes…”

She seemed very satisfied with his response. Slid up between his legs, her hand on his back dropping and gliding up against his chest instead. He shivered, his lips parting as she rose, closer, the warmth of her exhale washing over him, a soft sigh and then their faces close, centimeters from each other with his racing heart under her palm. Her fingers spread out. Her index found his silver chain necklace resting on his collarbones, playing with it with a small smile.

Her other hand was still on top of his hard dick.

Jungkook used to think that there was no way sex could be sexy. The idea of it was sexy. In practice, sex used to be awkward and uncomfortable, but essential to get his rocks off. It felt like something he had to do. But it wasn’t like that, at least with her. Well, he still sometimes felt awkward and uncomfortable, but Jungkook suspected she was doing it on purpose. He didn’t mind though, because she always touched him with such fondness and – maybe this was the delulu talking – but he really didn’t need the sex so much as he needed her to keep looking at him the way she did.

His dick throbbed suddenly in protest.

“Ah–!”

She tilted her head and kissed him.

Placing a chaste kiss right below his lips, the soft press taking his breath away, and then her lips ghosted over his, grabbing a fistful of his tank top and kissing him deeply. Fuck, how he loved her lips. How could he describe them? So fluffy and yet so insistent. Determined, seductive, pulling him to her and sighing, her contented breath filling his lungs and giving him life. His left hand found the collar of her shirt and gripped it tightly, not even realizing he had closed his eyes instinctively, wanting nothing more than to melt into her. Her hair brushed against his cheek and neck. Her scent warmed him, sweet and decadent. Her knuckles pressed into his sternum, unyielding. Her fingers tangled into the silver chain around his neck, possessive.

His brain melted into a puddle of bliss.

He moaned her name into her lips as she parted. She squeezed his inner thigh through his loose jeans. Still, the fabric was too thick for it to be satisfying enough.

“W-Wait…”

“You kinda taste like beef,” she remarked, releasing her hold and patting his chest. “Come on. If we fuck in the kitchen, I’ll have more to clean than your dishes.”

Jungkook felt his cheeks burn. “O… Oh.”

She backed up a step and took way too long to button a single button to cover her breasts again. He spent a good ten seconds gawking at their perky shape and the way her obvious nipples stuck straight out. She acted as if nothing was wrong, lingering between his spread-open thighs.

“You have to shower quickly, right? Go get started and I’ll come wash your back.”

“But, n-noona–!”

Her hand flew up and landed at the base of his neck. Thumb to one side, four fingers on the other. Jungkook froze.

She cocked an eyebrow.

Then she smirked.

His pulse hammered in his throat, so close to being constricted.

“Are you saying you’re flexible enough to wash your own back now?”

Jungkook shook his head so fast his vision blurred. “Nope. I’m weak. Help. I can’t take off my clothes either. Owie. It hurts so much.”

“Mmmm, very convincing.” She didn’t sound convinced. At all.

Damnnit.

-

“Gah!”

She gave him an exasperated look. “As if I haven’t seen you naked before.”

Minutes later, Jungkook found himself sitting in the bathtub, puffing his cheeks as he washed his hair with his left hand and felt the bath sponge rub against his back. Ah. She was leaning over the side of the tub, holding onto his left shoulder and rubbing circles into his back. Aaaah. He had left the plastic on his right arm for now, intending to remove the tape as his last step so he could rinse it off with a gentle, unscented cleanser. The water was lukewarm. Not the greatest, but he didn’t want to steam up the bathroom. It would be bad for the tattoos.

“U-Um… noona?”

“Hm?”

She rubbed down to his lower back. He sat up straighter. There was a wet towel blanketed over his crotch. Not really for any reason other than cold. Yeah. Anyway. She leaned over and kept going, massaging him at the same time. He gasped as she pressed the base of her palm into his muscle and kneaded.

“I… uh… about what I said earlier…”

“Mhm.”

He jumped a little but she was just leaning over to grab the detachable showerhead, adjusting the water to the correct temperature. “I hope… I hope I didn’t offend you or anything. I do like your personality a lot. You’re assertive and funny and you always remember stuff I like,” Jungkook rambled, lowering his left hand. His right was slightly hanging off the edge of the tub to keep it out of the way. Of course, he scrubbed his armpits before she came in. It would have been rude not to clean all the important bits first.

She rinsed off his back. “I’m not worried,” she chuckled.

“Oh, okay.”

“I don’t mind that you’re shallow. It’s flattering, coming from a hot guy like you.”

“That’s good – wait, what?!”

She sprayed the top of his head and sent him into sputters.

“Ah!”

She grabbed his shoulder, quickly and vigorously rinsing off his hair before pulling the showerhead away and turning off the water. Not before spraying him in the chest though. Jungkook found himself with his drenched hair flat against his forehead, making him unable to see. He felt like a wet dog. He almost wiggled away – until her arm slid down and rested against his chest, her other hand slipping under his wet hair and pushing it back, laughing playfully as she spoke.

“Oh, Jungkook. You’re so silly. Don’t worry about nothing,” she sighed, petting his head.

He couldn’t say anything.

Mostly because her tits were now pressed against the top of his back.

Oh, fuck. Her large, soft nipples rubbed against his shoulders. And her breasts, ooh, so plushy. “Everyone knows you like my personality.” So bouncy. Mmmm. “Just like how everyone knows you’ve been thirsting after me since day one.” No, it was more like first thirty seconds of seeing her. “Just like how everyone knows you’re a pain slut.”

Her breasts pressed against his shoulders.

Wait.

What did she say?

She plucked the towel away from his crotch and locked her fingers around his package.

“AAH!”

She slapped a hand over his mouth and pinned him to her body, crouching over him. It was then – how could it be only THEN – that Jungkook’s brain fully registered that she was topless. Possibly bottom-less too! Not only was she naked but also she was roughly massaging his balls with his rapidly hardening length trapped between her thumb and index finger, essentially making a cock ring with her two fingers and a ball cage with the rest. He gasped, rolling his head back onto her shoulder, moaning behind her hand as her touch switched between caress and choking his balls. There was no water in the tub as the drain wasn’t pushed down.

Her hand changed from covering his mouth to slipping two fingers into his lips.

“See? You like this,” she whispered, sultry and low.

He tried to gurgle out, n-no way, but he was too busy lifting his hips and thrusting upwards, trying to get the friction he so urgently desired but couldn’t achieve. She dragged her nails across his balls and his eyelids fluttered, sucking on her fingers, spit trickling past his lips and down his chin, his moan echoing in the bathroom when she finally closed her grip around his aching cock, pumping slow, running a fingertip over the head, slicking out the pre-cum leaking out.

“P-Please…” he whined.

“You gotta get out now,” she reminded him.

“No, please…”

She slowly thrust her fingers into his mouth, rubbing his tongue. “You should wait longer, shouldn’t you?” He tried to shake his head but he couldn’t, his hips bucking as her speed increased. “Don’t want you to get sweaty and all that.” Fuck, please, he wanted to scream and nearly did when she let go and lightly smacked around his stiff erection, slapping his cock against his tense inner thighs. It bounced around, the head dark red, aching for release. He was so hard that his cock popped right back into position, sticking straight upwards between his spread legs. “Do you really think you’ve been a good boy?” His own saliva was dripping down his chin. How did she get this level of desperation out of him so easily? She held his shaft up with only the back of her thumb and firmly smacked his balls, rapid and light, making him cry out and squirm. “Hold it up.”

“N-Noona, please…”

“Hold it up if you want me to suck your dick,” she ordered calmly.

The thrill raced up his spine. His hair was dripping, droplets down his cheeks and neck. This was it. This electric, intense feeling that seemed to control him, his hand ghosting down to wrap around his twitching length, gasping sharply when her fingers left his mouth. She cupped his chin instead, tilting his head up and now they were looking at each other, only for a moment, her sparkling eyes rich with passion, intoxicating pleasure snaking up his core as he melted under her hot gaze.

This was the feeling Jungkook always wanted.

She lowered herself down. He stared at the ceiling as she teased his balls, moaning and lazily stroking his cock as she slapped them, dragged her fingernails over them, squeezed them. Spit on him. He whimpered, teasing the underside of the swollen head of his cock, more, flinching as she spat on him again, gasping as she dug her nails into the sensitive area behind his balls, coaxing himself to the edge and then stopping, building the frustration.

She kissed his hot cheek.

“You’re doing so good,” she murmured into his ear, licking it softly.

Her right hand closed around his left and they edged him together, their fingers laced, her teeth on the curve of his ear and his moan radiating off the tiles. Long, deep strokes, building up the speed. So good. Tight, rapid pace, close, his chest rattling, so close, his eyes rolling back when her hand clamped around the base of his aching cock and squeezed hard, cutting off the high and colliding him into the mental wall, his dismayed cry drowned out by her lips devouring his.

Fuck!

Was he going to get to bust a nut or not?!

-

“Please, don’t.”

He put on his best pout as she held the Magic-8 ball in front of her body. Still wearing her black seamless panties, but that was it. She was lightly sitting on his thighs, straddling him on the bed as she shook it teasingly.

“Noona, come on…”

“Why not? It’ll be fun.”

She lowered it and Jungkook gasped as the black plastic ball touched his chest, wiggling uncomfortably as she rolled it back and forth. Foreign and cold. It warmed up against his skin.  She leaned over him, not adding more pressure, but giving a great full-frontal view with her breasts trapped between her upper arms.

“It won’t be fun for me,” he whined, gripping the sheets tightly.

He reached up to squeeze her breasts, using his left hand, shuddering as he felt her hard nipples against his palm, looking up to see her tongue dance at the edge of her smirk, her tousled hair trailing down her shoulder. That had been the game before. He would ask to have sex. She would shake the Magic-8 ball and get his answer – resulting in twenty-six straight refusals from that evil children’s toy. Unlucky? Maybe. Cursed? More likely. Extra cursed because it was Park Jimin who purchased and gifted her the thing.

Grr.

Jungkook was still pissed about that.

She tilted her head, sending part of her face into delicious shadow.

“We can make it a little game.”

His hand slid down her arm and covered hers.

“No games,” he begged, catching the edge of his lower lip with his teeth. Her eyes shifted down. He was playing all his cards. She muttered under her breath, hah, I love that underlip mole of yours, how can I resist a lip bite, fuck, and those cute, round, big brown eyes… all while lowering herself to him, drawn to his plea, releasing her hold on the Magic-8 ball.

She rolled it on his chest and into his open hand.

“Okay. No games.”

She kissed him again.

A claim to his lips. Soft and insistent, working him into a frenzy, making him grip that hard plastic ball tightly as his breathing shallowed, moaning as her tongue slid in, out, in, out. He felt her hands frame his head, crowning him with her fanned-out fingers. Tingling as her thumb rubbed across his temple. His jaw. His earrings, toying with them, nipping at his lower lip and sucking on it, her warm body settling between his legs, soft to hard, rubbing up against him.

Fuck.

Fuuuuck.

She pulled on his hair roughly and his lip slipped from her teeth due his own whimper, gasping hotly as her kisses danced down his throat, then running her tongue over the trail of kisses. She had a hand planted onto his chest to prevent him from arching his back, lapping at his collarbones daintily as she tugged at a fistful of his still damp hair. Sparks of pain showering down from the crown od head meeting the maddening bliss of her lips on his chest, traveling, decorating his clavicle, each mark of her teeth mirroring the redness of a fallen rose petal.

He tried to lower his chin and shuddered against the hurt, making better and worse at the same time, opening his eyes as she let go of his hair, seeing her sliding down his torso.

That ass.

He felt a nip at his nipple and his breathing hitched, snapping down to see her looking up at him, expression highly amused.

“Pretty nice ass, huh?”

No one said she was humble.

He grinned. “Yeah, I should take a pic and make it my phone background.”

She chuckled, running her tongue over his hard nipple and Jungkook shivered, transfixed by the image and the simultaneous surge of pleasure. He lifted his head higher off the pillow. Shallow breaths, watching, the glossy tip of that dexterous pink muscle against his dark nipple, her lips closing around it, feeling his body stiffen as he felt the sucking sensation vibrate through him. The moan bubbled in his tightened chest as she gently bit, licked, sucked, alternating between the actions. Her fingernails dragged over his sides and flexed abs, electrifying his skin with the pressure. He flinched when she released him and replaced the rough play with kisses, moving across his chest to do the same to his other nipple.

She glanced at him, witnessing his perverse enjoyment with a knowing glint in her eye.

He clutched the Magic-8 ball at his side with in his left hand, falling back into the pillow moaning, writhing slightly as the sucking intensified. Her hand slid down, stroking the inside of his thigh. He could barely feel the side of his half-hard cock brush against the back of her hand.

“F-Fuck… please…”

His entire body jolted when she popped her lips off him and sealed her work with a kiss.

“You’re so impatient, Jungkook,” she hummed, pressing her tongue flat to his nipple and rubbing roughly, saliva sticking to his skin. “So needy.”

His mind was spinning. Blood running hot under his skin, body uncontrollably quivering, clutching the sheets and the Magic-8 ball for dear life. The pent-up arousal was driving him insane but, as a wise man once said, gotaa go insane to stay sane. Or something like that. Jungkook couldn’t remember any wise proverbs right now. He was too horny. She was rising, re-clipping her hair with that cute sheep-shaped claw clip, keeping it out of her smirking face.

“Y-Yes, I am needy… a-ah… please…”

Slipping down, down.

She pressed her palms into the innermost part of his thighs, spreading her fingers over his crotch, and swallowed his cock.

He moaned so loud that Min Yoongi surely heard.

Hey.

No one said Jeon Jungkook was subtle.

Especially when being pleasured.

Immediately his cock swelled at her up-and-down motion that came with tongue and lips and a tight, wet, warm throat that pushed him in as deep as possible. He was always somewhat shocked at how easily she maneuvered him without her hands, preferring instead to use only her mouth to take him all the way to the base and lick at his balls, her constricting throat suffocating the thick head of his cock, and then back up, running the sensitive skin over the roof of her mouth and closing her lips around the tip tighter, teasing the underside of the slit with deft flicks. Then, again, swallowing his growing length, molding her tongue to his girth, slathering saliva over his balls.

God, Jungkook loved the bed suck.

She had an immaculate level of control when giving a blowjob on the bed. He didn’t have to do anything but lay back and relax, occasionally looking down to follow her head movements and see his length glistening in between her plush lips, then collapsing again as the erotic euphoria overtook him again, his chest fluttering with the intensity, his core tightening, lost in lust. He completely forgot the itchiness of his right arm. The colors were brighter under the overhead light and the lotion he had applied right before getting into bed, a sharp contrast to her bare arm against his hip, her elegant hand nestled up his side, her perfect round ass in the air. His pants blending into moans, floating on cloud nine from her tight, soft mouth and agile tongue, wondering how the fuck he got this lucky.

She’s basically a porn star in bed, Park Jimin once said.

She paused when she noticed him watching her again. Extended her pink tongue past her lips, slapping his balls and scooping them up against the base of his cock, raising an eyebrow at him.

Damn.

Truer words had never been spoken.

Then – thankfully – she returned her attention to his cock, except this time it was tighter, faster, and he gasped, feeling her push the head up and force it deeper into her throat when she descended, oh, fuck, he could see her breasts bouncing too, those perfect nipples, damn, obvious wet noises drowned out by the more obscene sounds he was making, crying out, moaning, the pace intense and deliberate and racing, and the only way he could describe it was as if somehow her mouth had become a warm, wet sleeve for his twitching cock, powerfully massaging his length all over, close, his eyes rolling back.

There.

He groaned as he shot into her suffocating throat, wanton and pathetic, finally, his mind going blank, pumping thick cum into that tight pocket and whining as she swallowed, fuck, finally, her pinning his flinching hips down as his shuddering length jerked again, another vicious throb and dripping cum, tears stinging the edge of his vision, gasping out her name as the apex of pleasure consumed his nerves and set them alight.

Fucking finally.

He felt his orgasm squish into the back of her tongue and around the aching head of his cock and he moaned. Long and loud and pornographic. He felt himself twitch in her mouth. She brought him down, slow and wet, a low hum vibrating from her throat to his cock to his core.

Jungkook panted.

Tension shimmered throughout his chest and limbs, keeping him breathless.

Wait.

Her tongue rubbed against the underside of his girth, fanning out along the pulsing, abused head, sending racing sparks over his ass and up his spine.

Wait a second.

Her fingertips glided over his slick balls, squeezing them and making him shudder at the shocking bliss.

I’m still hard.

He yelped, snapping his head down, but it was too late, too late to stop, the afterglow of his last orgasm building towards another, her head sliding up and down, her lips flush to his glossy shaft, him whimpering while he watched, shivering at the lewd image and the idea of back-to-back orgasms, so good, fuck, she looks so good and it feels so fucking amazing, the addictive adrenaline spiking, the lasting buzz radiating all over, oversensitivity increasing the forbidden pleasure, tight and wet and soft, taking him as so deep his balls slapped into her chin, the muscles of his body flexed and tense, hard underneath the soft.

His second orgasm slammed into him.

His head fell back and the pleasure swarmed him, knocking the air out of his lungs, drawing out his lustful moan, his heartbeat roaring in his ears. Her name tumbled out of his lips, praises, swears, her name again, the words mixing together on his confused tongue. She swallowed again, loud to his ears, so obvious, and he trembled all over. The sharp spasm of ecstasy left him rattled, whining, feeling her licking him again but tender, even more gentle this time, slurping around his softening cock, the sensitive skin prickling and pulsating under her warm tongue.

“So… fuck… s-so fucking good…”

Oh, how he loved the feeling of her lips and those kisses feathering his thighs, his crotch, his cock, his balls, shivering in delight, all his previous frustrations making it everything so much more satisfying.

Uh.

He didn’t just think that.

Shit.

“Man, you’re loud.”

“Gah!”

“Hey, Yoongi.”

She planted herself on top of his drenched cock, laying out all over him with her hands on his chest and shoulder. Jungkook gawked at her and then at his hyung standing there at her open bedroom door, looking around at the pastel sheep plushies decorating her room and pausing at the pink bunny and tuxedo cat plush sitting on her desk. Then those dark brown orbs moved back to her ass leaning against Jungkook’s still trembling thigh.

“You could have taken off your panties,” he grumbled in his low voice.

She turned her head to look back at Yoongi. “Sorry. I didn’t think about it since I wasn’t going to get any tonight. I didn’t know you would be watching.”

Her words made Jungkook frown. “What do you mean, you aren’t getting any?”

She faced him again, raising her eyebrows. “What are you talking about? We shouldn’t push it. You’ll get too sweaty.”

“But, noona, that’s not fair, I could…?”

Silence.

A bird cawed outside.

“Use you left hand?” Yoongi snorted. “Meh.”

She smiled. “I’ll wait. I can be patient.”

Yeah, well, guess who couldn’t be patient?

As the youngest, he protested. “You could use my thigh. Or… Or my forearm! You like that!”

“No, no. I’m fine with waiting.”

“You’re doing this on purpose! You’re torturing me by not letting me feel you cum!”

Jungkook paled as his hyung and noona grinned at the same time. Deviously. In unison. Scary as fuck. Yoongi leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed, his long black hair framing his cunning eyes and open-mouthed smirk, serving every bit the allegations of being sex on legs. Jungkook trembled as he felt her trail her fingers along the base of his neck, sensually rubbing his collarbone. Thumb on one side, four fingers on the other. Not moving up but reminding him nonetheless.

“Whatever gave you that impression?” she drawled.

They were in cahoots.

Not that Jungkook minded.

That was how he got this lucky in the first place.

The Magic-8 ball rested against his naked hip, the window reading, without a doubt.

--

masterpost

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

too many teens whining for validation, this blog needs more weird and stupid so...

AITA for kidnapping my friend and trapping her in the cheesebarn?

Hear me out:

The story starts about a week before my (20 at the time ftm) 21st birthday. If you live in the US you know this isnt just some lame 7th birthday or 36th birthday, this is one of the big boy birthdays, the special ones. Its when you can legal buy alcohol and are therefore truly an adult in the eyes of the law.

Naturally my friends (20s) wanted to do something Big for our 21sts. So they asked me what i wanted to do and i said i didnt really care as long as I got a road trip somewhere with friends.

Everyone thought it was a fun idea but it was a little short notice for everyone to get time off from work, but my other friend we will call C also had her 21st exactly a month after mine to the day, and the two of us agreed to share our 21sts and not do much of anything on my actual birthday. This is important, bc it was a SHARED birthday road trip.

I agree to let C pick the destination and I provide the car. We didnt have much of a plan as we were going to meet up with C's old roommate who lives in the city we picked to show us a good time.

It was 5 of us total and about a 7 hour drive altogether there with not a whole lot on the way there. We get to the city she picked and meet the roommate and honestly the rest of this part is just standard 21st birthday shenanigans. Its when we start the drive home things really start.

Remember its a long drive with not much to see? Well that was a lie. On our way back we see it, the Real "Happiest Place on Earth" as far as places with a mouse for a mascot go:

Grandpa's.

Fuckin'.

Cheesebarn.

Obviously me and the other people on the trip want to stop and see the magic, but unfucking fortunately C happens to be the only Basic White Girl ™️ in the entire world who hates cheese and isnt even lactose intolerant. This girl is notorious for making "petty" and "I hate Cheese" her entire personality. She would constantly make faces and gagging noises and talk about how gross and nasty cheese is if you so much as eat a grilt cheese near her.

Clearly she made it known that she wasnt on board with it. "NO! FUCK YOU ALL IM NOT GOING TO A PLACE CALLED A CHEESEBARN ON MY BIRTHDAY!!" were her exact words.

But i remembered i was driving, it was my car, and it was supposed to be my birthday too. So I put it to a vote. "Raise your hand if you wanna go to Grandpa's Cheesebarn!"

All hands raise but one. With C out voted we head to the cheesebarn.

Guys. This place is amazing. Its obviously making cheese its main draw, but yhere's so much more, its every shitty midwest tourist trap rolled into one glorious place. There's even a chocolate shop. We even got C's roommate to ditch work and come meet us bc shr heard "Grandpa's Cheesebarn" and knew she had to drop everything.

All in all a good visit, C even seemed like she had fun once we got there (she sure spent $300 on candies and dip mixes anyway). We go home. Things seem fine.

Then C drops off the face of the earth.

She wont respond to our calls or texts and at first we thought maybe she was giing through a rough patch or something and try to just keep reaching out but give her space. But then we find out that not only is she still hanging our with our other friends who couldnt make the trip with us. So clearly she's just pissed at us about something.

Finally one day a few months later i catch her at her job and just tell her "I dont care if you hate us, we'll never speak to you again if you dont want us to, but what the hell did we do to you??"

And she just looked me over and says "Well. You kidnapped me."

lolwut

And she yells (bc this girl loves yelling at people) "YOU KIDNAPPED ME AND TRAPPED ME AT A CHEESEBARN ON. MY. BIRTHDAY!!!!!"

And i just said "Well it was my birthday too," and havent spoken to her since. Its been over a decade and "No ragrets" as we said back in the day, but uts baffled me for years that that was her reaction. "Im just over you guys" i can understand, and its not like she was shy about telling people she hates them and their out of her life ever before. And from what i ended up hearing from our other friends she kept talking with it really was about the cheesebarn and how we "ruined her birthday".

No but srsly AITA??? For making her go to a cheesebarn???

What are these acronyms?

[cuubism]

Loooove the last post. Just imagining Dream doing an anti-magic STD laser for Hob's fun bits, only for five years later on an eclipse day and Hob to give Dream the gentlest of kisses only for his lover to explode into an eldritch horror because there was apparently dorment magic moon herpes that managed to escape notice and targets shapeshifters and only shapeshifters so Hob is just so confused as Dream is just over there becoming the physical embodiment of unknowable knowledge and everyone in The New Inn have passed out and Hob is just like Ah for fucks sake, not again before Dream pulls him into the Dreaming for a very fun impromptu weekend of monsterfucking since a certian Shaper of Forms can't hold down a consistant one. Finally Dream can isolate and eject the viral magic. It gets thrown into a black hole and now Hob is behind on grading but he knows that dating Dream comes with a whole lot of excitement, and he wouldn't change it for the world...though he does now go to a very awkward annual physical with an exhausted Johanna not-paid-enough-for-this-bullshit Constantine now to make sure that nothing else he's managed to pick up over his long life rears its ugly head.

LMAO I love Hob just being a time bomb of magical STDs, every time they have sex Dream is just taking his fucking life into his hands 😂 after the latest incident Dream is just like "my husband, you are a slut" and Hob's just like #no ragrets if you wanted to be exclusive you had 600 years to make it known, Dream. Hob may not have regrets but Dream does.

When Desire found out about it all they laughed until they fell apart into sweetheart candies, then went to find Hob just to shake his hand. "Safe sex is important Hobert, but if you wanted to get another STD there's one that's REALLY funny--" I'm imagining that supernatural STDs don't kill you they just do really weird things to you, like give you cat ears for a while, or make you float five inches off the ground. Or turn you green of course. The creation of many supernatural STDs was actually just PVP violence between jilted ex-lovers; they couldn't key each other's cars so instead they were like "virus be upon ye!" forgetting that viruses get spread to other people too. Oh well. A bunch of the other ones were a collab project between Desire and Despair. At least one was made by some anti-sex crazy guy that just really wanted to get his point across. The Kellogg of the supernatural community if you will.

Later on Hob's like "should I be a good person and do safe sex advocacy among the magical-but-not-supernatural community?" but then he tries and it turns out literally every other magical or immortal human in the whole world already knew about this except Hob. They're like "you just starting sleeping with people without asking?" he's like "yeah? you guys became unkillable and DIDN'T use it for crazy sexcapades?"

I think it's simply inevitable that Johanna misses one, and Hob and Dream have another 'incident'...

[heavyhitterheaux]

Whatta Man, Whatta Man, Whatta Man, Whatta Mighty Good Man

First Lady of Private Garden Instagram AU

Liked by jackharlow, urbanwyatt, saweetie, cozane, lilnasx, druski2funny, claybornharlow, dualipa, and 3,492,183 others

y/ninsta: Whatta Man, Whatta Man, Whatta Man, Whatta Mighty Good Man 😍😍😍

Whewww he get on my nerves sometimes, but he's mine and also happens to be fine as shit lol

jackharlow: forever and Always. love the fact that I'll be able to get on your nerves until the end of time. now come sit on my face 🤭 y/ninsta: jackharlow been getting on my nerves since we were fourteen and I wouldn't have it any other wayyy and say less lmao druski2funny: you two make me sick smh y/ninsta: druski2funny just because we told you last night that we found you in a dumpster doesn't mean you have to act outta pocket. we took you in and clothed and fed you. ungrateful ass. lilnasx: NOT THE DUMPSTER LMAOOOOO druski2funny: jackharlow get your wife! jackharlow: druski2funny you on your own my boy! claybornharlow: I mean I guess he's okay. if you're into that. dualipa: claybornharlow you get me. we're on the same page. jackharlow: dualipa claybornharlow and both of you can go play in traffic claybornharlow: jackharlow don't let your wife see that jackharlow: claybornharlow idc, she knows what this is dualipa: jackharlow you about to get your ass beat by her, just watch y/ninsta: JACKMAN THOMAS jackharlow: y/ninsta I was hacked baby 👉🏼👈🏼 y/ninsta: jackharlow hacked my ass. perfect example of you getting on my nerves. leave my little baby alone. all he does is mind his business jackharlow: y/ninsta SINCE WHEN? claybornharlow: 😇😇😇 jackharlow: claybornharlow walk to Mockingbird because I'm not picking you up y/ninsta: claybornharlow yes he is, go and get ready. just let me know if you have any problems jackharlow: 🙄🙄🙄🙄

Liked by jackharlow, urbanwyatt, jaysontatum, saweetie, generationnow, theestallion, softtcurse, theshaderoom, and 2,851,024 others

y/ninsta: I should kick yall asses

Exhibit A and Exhibit B why I can never find my bonnets

Their big ass heads are wearing them

And who let my man wear it out in public!?

PG, I'm looking at yall 🤨🤨🤨

quiiso: look I'm innocent, I warned him not to leave the house in it after I had to do a double take urbanwyatt: then you shouldn't leave them laying around all the time! shloob_: in his beauty supply run era saweetie: I CANNOT with the two of them lmao jackharlow: I thought I looked cute y/ninsta: jackharlow you did, but you're missing the point! now what am I supposed to use to cover my hair?! jackharlow: y/ninsta use Ivy's or Autumn's y/ninsta: jackharlow imma kick your ass for even SUGGESTING that. THEY HAVE BABY BONNETS NOT ADULT BONNETS. druski2funny: we all know he just lightskin. especially according to grandma kat y/ninsta: druski2funny my husband is pale as shit, ain't no way he's going to get around that jackharlow: no ragrets y/ninsta: jackharlow you know what this means, right? jackharlow: y/ninsta that I have to eat you out for an hour for stealing it? y/ninsta: jackharlow yes, but that wasn't my first thought. when I have to make my trips to the beauty supply store, your ass is coming and getting your own damn bonnet, you too urbanwyatt jackharlow: y/ninsta I need it personalized for it to say First Lady's husband y/ninsta: jackharlow why are you so unserious? saweetie: jack PLEASEEEEEE LMAO dualipa: y/ninsta surprised his head could fit inside of it jackharlow: dualipa I got a big one up top and down below and it fits where it needs to go every time just fine neelamthadhani: jackharlow EW SPARE US THE DETAILS y/ninsta: jackharlow 🤭🤭🤭🤭 jackharlow: neelamthadhani you got your nieces and nephew out of it didn't you?! jackharlow: y/ninsta baby you already know I can count on one hand how many times I've been serious in my life y/ninsta: jackharlow that's why I'm convinced you were dropped on your head as a baby

Liked by y/ninsta, saweetie, dualipa, lilnasx, urbanwyatt, druski2funny, claybornharlow, jessicakelce, theshaderoom, blancahood, and 2,374,007 others

jackharlow: me and my main man 😍😍😍

saweetie: he is so chunky and so cute! normani: yes to the matching shoes! urbanwyatt: wrong. that's my main man. his middle name is WYATT. y/ninsta: urby please. we know he's named after you but got damn smh jackharlow: urbanwyatt and his last name is HARLOW. stop playing with me smh urbanwyatt: y/ninsta that's my kid. you just had him for me y/ninsta: urbanwyatt imma get curse to kick your ass if you don't shut up y/ninsta: anyway LOOK AT MY BABIES 😍😍😍 quiiso: every since axel came out of y/ninsta urbanwyatt takes his godfather duties seriously urbanwyatt: quiiso they entrusted me with this job ever since we were sixteen, of course I'm going to take it seriously. now I'm coming to get him along with my two princesses. I'm loading them up with sugar and then dropping them back off in the driveway and then taking off jackharlow: urbanwyatt imma whoop your ass if you do that y/ninsta: urbanwyatt and they will literally be back on your doorstep and me and baby daddy are turning off our phones. don't play with us. urbanwyatt: jackharlow y/ninsta fine, just one ice cream cone each but autumn is fucking boujee and only likes frozen yogurt just like her mother smh y/ninsta: urbanwyatt AHT AHT! cut the shit! leave my baby alone! dualipa: aww look at my son! jackharlow: dualipa not you too because I don't have the energy for it today dualipa: jackharlow hand my child over. you know he adores his step mommy jackharlow: y/ninsta get her before I do y/ninsta: lmaoooo surprised clay isn't in here yet claybornharlow: y/ninsta you called? jackharlow: claybornharlow GO AWAY y/ninsta: jackharlow be nice! and claybornharlow yes I did! claybornharlow: when are yall going to realized the autumn is literally a small version of y/ninsta that looks like her father? (me) but she is boujee lmao jackharlow: claybornharlow you just asking me to kick your ass at this point claybornharlow: little baby over everybody! y/ninsta: behave you two!

Liked by y/ninsta, maggieharlow, lilnasx, urbanwyatt, cozane, selenosunni, privategarden, neelamthadhani, saweetie, and 4,296,770 others

jackharlow: Not Ivy coming into the room this morning and being like "where's mommy?" She wasn't satisfied with my answer and proceeded to sigh and look at me and say "but I'm hungry." I told her I would make her something and then she says, "daddy, not a good cook. I wait for mommy."

It be your own kids smh

claybornharlow: because we don't need my niece getting food poisoning lmaooooo y/ninsta: aww my oldest baby! mommy is on her way back to feed you! jackharlow: I've gotten better! y/ninsta: jackharlow baby the only person that ever eats your cooking is you quiiso: lmaoooo not y/ninsta throwing jack under the bus urbanwyatt: but y/ninsta needs to keep in mind that she had humble beginnings and couldn't cook for shit when we moved into our first apartment y/ninsta: urbanwyatt keep talking and I won't feed you until 2050 shloob_: well GOT DAMN urbanwyatt: y/ninsta don't get mad because I told the truth! yungskylark: now why do yall dumbasses always come for y/ninsta on the days that she's supposed to cook for us? SHUT THE FUCK UP SO WE CAN GET FED 2forwoyne: I second this jackharlow: I get fed anyway no matter what yall dumbasses do 😏 neelamthadhani: just a bunch of nasties saweetie: aww my baby Ivy knows the deal jackharlow: at least she let me finish doing her hair. she was walking around all last night with half of it done and wasn't trying to cooperate dualipa: jackharlow looks like you're getting this daddy this down pact jackharlow: dualipa I would hope so since y/ninsta's body decided to make three at one time y/ninsta: jackharlow BECAUSE OF YOUR FUCKING SUPER SPERM, DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE COME FOR ME jackharlow: y/ninsta I'm not, can we make another one? y/ninsta: jackharlow another WHAT?! jackharlow: y/ninsta never mind. I'll ask you later.

Liked by y/ninsta, jackharlow, lilnasx, urbanwyatt, jessicakelce, estgee, maggieharlow, blancahood, and 792,495 others

claybornharlow: y/ninsta Jack may give these to you, but they're from me

jackharlow: CLAYBORN! y/ninsta: aww they're so pretty. clay did you help him pick them out? claybornharlow: y/ninsta of course I did jackharlow: claybornharlow absolutely tired of your ass yungskylark: clay never lets jack live lmao jackharlow: yungskylark AT ALL! claybornharlow: he only bagged her because he saw her first, if the roles were reversed it would've been me y/ninsta: this is one rivalry that will never end despite how many times I tell them to cut it out dualipa: wait a minute, I thought those were from me? jackharlow: dualipa NO. EXIT STAGE LEFT. NO. dualipa: jackharlow your time is winding down. the first lady will be my first lady soon. jackharlow: dualipa over my dead fucking body y/ninsta: jackharlow thank you for my flowers smush! they're gorgeous. jackharlow: y/ninsta gorgeous flowers for my gorgeous wife claybornharlow: jackharlow for now y/ninsta: jackharlow I know people get tired of me. my man, my man, my man. how the fuck am I just looking at the back of you and want to rip your clothes off? urbanwyatt: NO jackharlow: y/ninsta I mean.... it is naptime for them..... y/ninsta: jackharlow SAY LESS

Liked by jackharlow, saweetie, theestallion, claybornharlow, urbanwyatt, 2forwoyne, shloob_, and 3,493,761 others

y/ninsta: gimme one margarita imma open my legs, gimme two margaritas imma give you some head jackharlow lmao 😜

jackharlow: OH jessicakelce: please shut up because you'll do all this anyway without any drinks involved y/ninsta: jessicakelce lmaooooo you right sis. my man shouldn't be so fine. urbanwyatt: the two of you will never let up jackharlow: umm y/ninsta I can order you a few margaritas if that's what you want 👀👀👀 y/ninsta: urbanwyatt daycare in my throat urbanwyatt: y/ninsta more like daycare in your house, but I get it blancahood: urbanwyatt PLEASEEEEEE y/ninsta: jackharlow no need, just bring your fine self here jackharlow: y/ninsta you know I'm already on my way saweetie: jackharlow can I get the triplets grills now for their birthday? jackharlow: saweetie when they turn 5 saweetie: FINALLY! they gotta be matching with their momma theestallion: why didn't you finish the caption?! 2forwoyne: GIMME THREE MARGARITAS IMMA PUT IT IN MY PUS quiiso: GIMME FOUR MARGARITAS IMMA PUT IT IN MY TUSH urbanwyatt: GIMME FIVE MARGARITAS IMMA HAVE SOME FUN y/ninsta: lmaoooo I know my PG babies always got me! dualipa: y/ninsta you can use my face as a seat at any time jackharlow: dualipa blow torch and flame thrower were just delivered to the house, choose your next words carefully dualipa: jackharlow would your wife happen to be a squirter too? urbanwyatt: OH MY DAMN LMAO jackharlow: DUA!

Liked by y/ninsta, maggieharlow, normani, sza, blancahood, traviskelce, theshaderoom, quiiso, and 4,293,018 others

jackharlow: can you tell all three of them are spoiled as hell? Autumn at grandma Kat's house and she tells me she's not done with her spa treatment and needs for me to paint her nails oh and feed her grapes

I literally had another version of my wife

Ivy is finished and is upstairs eating her lunch

y/ninsta: WHO SET HER UP WITH ALL THAT?! and so what! jackharlow: y/ninsta GRANDMA KAT! imma do it though. she asked me for purple and green nails. saweetie: jackharlow y/ninsta has you wrapped around her finger and now the babies do too lmao urbanwyatt: y/ninsta tell your grandma I'm pulling up 👀 2forwoyne: urbanwyatt aye! get me some of those rice krispy treats she got! y/ninsta: urbanwyatt yes she'll be excited to see her favorite customer urbanwyatt: 2forwoyne I got you sza: HER LITTLE CHAIR. I CAN'T. YALL KIDS ARE TOO ADORABLE. claybornharlow: jackharlow you had enough practice with painting y/n's nails while she was pregnant because she couldn't see them. you should be fine. y/ninsta: claybornharlow it took a little bit of practice but he got better jessicakelce: NOT AUTUMN TELLING YOU TO FEED HER GRAPES jackharlow: jessicakelce YOUR NIECE IS THE DEFINITION OF SPOILED y/ninsta COME GET THIS BABY y/ninsta: jackharlow nope. mama's busy. jackharlow: y/ninsta doing WHAT? y/ninsta: jackharlow stuff. I'll see yall later. going out with Jess and B. byeeeeee jackharlow: y/ninsta not the hot chips and bad decisions crew smh

Taglist:

@harlowsbby

@babyharleezy

@hoodharlow

@stefansalvatoresgf

@jackiehollanderr

@primadxna-girl

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@j-worlds-blog

[sarahmackattack]

Science sticker backstock's GOTTA GO

Ok I have too many things in my office it's time to CLEAR OUT BACK STOCK!

A couple years back we made a bunch of stickers for Skype a Scientist. They rule extremely hard, but they are taking up precious space in my office, so they must skedaddle. We're about to get new merch! It's gonna have squid on it! But these are still awesome, so you should put them on your water bottle.

We're selling 'em for CHEAP. $3. 12 designs. Once they're gone, they're gone forever & ever, amen.

Get 'em: https://squidfacts.bigcartel.com/

The bat and medusa-as-a-herpetologist are my personal faves but also so is the tardigrade and so is the anglerfish, and actually yeah. No ragrets, I'm glad we made these.

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

this is a little silly and i'm totally aware, but i luv ur blog and resonate with ur outlook on things so i'm really curious 2 hve ur input. i turned 18 in december+ i graduated high scool this weekend and so it's like the first time in my life where i am independently adjusting to a big transition. i missed soo much classes due 2 my brain being fucked and even tho i had friends i still feel rly weird and outsidery i guess. if u have any advice or idk anything i'm running out of space bye xx

thats wonderful news...congrats on gradding its really hard to get thru it 💟 i almost didnt grad cus i was barely present at school, resented every facet of it, the system didnt make sense to me like i just couldnt perform. i dint go to college or anything after highschool i knew it wasnt right for me plus i didnt want the debt. i knew i needed freedom to roam or st..

and tbh i was suuuuch a smart & intuitive child for that decision o.o like thank god thank goddd. i wouldve folded SO fast with state of my mental health back then. unless u r going into STEM idt school is worth it. Like school nevr made sense to me cus u can just be intellectual for free by acting curiously ?? Like u can just live and read books and stuff . . .

i guess my only real goal has ever been to make a lot of DOPE ass memories ~~ push every experience to full potential of beauty it is capable of 🤩 and that is a tad willful of me, so my arrogance has lead to many defeats but despite how painful its beeen.. im glad i did it this way, no ragrets ^^ its wonderful to be 30 now & look back at it all. following my intuition always worked out in the end..

When you're 18-24 i think all u should really be doing is like. chilling, recovering from highschool, smoking cigs, taking photos, listening to songs, reading, trying different clothes, playing outside, Soaking eveything up like a sponge, taking it *in*...taking it all in then thru trial & error figuring out what Really resonates !! and PPL will try to tell u its a waste of time, dont listen!!!! create stuff but dont put pressure on urself to be good at anything yet. dont feel pressure to like, have solidified into something permanent yet? ifthatmakes sense.. goof around a lot, dont limit yourself to any existing structures, be new & expansive, open minded.

And just chill :] look around at your world all the time and think "Wow. I'm 18 and i'll never be 18 again and life is beautiful." i still do this for every age i ever am i think its so imporant to do this. Always Know your older self is looking back upon you kindly no matter how irredeemably fucking fucked u feel <3 i can feel the love from my 40 and 50 and 60 year old self right now. get excited for your unfolding story anon ^-^ i hope its really uniquely perfect just for U and Ur dreams come true. Sincerely, ⭐⭐⭐PMD9⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

[otrtbs]

omg nat when i bought art monsters today i also briefly gazed at a copy of the gold finch but i decided to be reasonable and not buy too many books in one go.... ragrets.....

ohhhh noooo

art monsters is so good!! but the goldfinch out sells 😭‼️ it is the only book ever to me !! but that’s alright you can always get it next time 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️😋 and u can tell me all about it 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

[delusionaid]

muse update: no ragrets, not a single letter

I have decided I am no longer mentally ill and will therefore return all the muses I've temporarily archived. Depression is a mythological creature and the imaginary issue of having "too many" muses no longer bothers me, therefore everyone is back to being available in theory and if one of them just sleeps for 7 months that's also fine.

Please welcome back: Thoma (has been back for a while actually but here's the official post for it), Wagner, Childe and Bosacius

Dainsleif will wait until I've actually played the last update because there's a chance I'll change my mind potentially apparently, so stay tuned.

[xamaxenta]

Yeah yeah yeah MAS au where Sabo’s a legendary interspace assassin who quit the killing scene when he settled down with his husband on a cute debris torn planet to sell and courier ship parts

Cue Marco a name tag, one of many working for the megacorp of industry and capitalismsms ever in the ever expanding galaxy wants to quit but ends up helping out a friend with a dumb fucking plan to launder money or something basically

They wanna commit space fraud

But it goes wrong

And its bad

And they go careening across spacetime to save their skins but also bc Marcos attuned to some dead guys logged memories or smth something something find the One Piece and youll be richer beyond your wildest dreams

And Sabo the Courier ends up joining him on his journey—escape—bid for freedom

And its when theyre fighting their way out of mecha mayhem does Sabo receive a call from his husband whos like you said youd be home by eight :((

Marcos like whos that 👀

Sabo scrambling to shut off the holofeed before Ace sees that he has not quit his assassin mercenary vigilante duties in the slightest bc Ace already saw and he doesnt say much except you and i are going to have a talk when you get home. Once is enough but three times

Thatch, the buddy who wanted to commit fraud was like ooooo someones in the dog houseeee

Sabo shoots a photon bullet just shy of his crotch like shut the fuck up you dont know anything about us

Anyway they have to be home by eight bc Ace made dinner so they make the detour back to Sabos and Marco’s wondering what this Ace character is like and turns out hes the hottest gotddamn grease monkey ever to wield a welding torch this side of the galaxy like hes storming out shirtless and unafraid of Sabos multiple blades like you are a fcuKcunh LIAR

anyway Sabo gets the verbal lashing of a lifetime from his spouse, no ragrets lmao angry Ace is like supremely hot and bc they have that toxic codependency still i know .

Its like the make up sex will be absolutely wild and the walls are thin and Marco will hear absolutely everything and he has a boner

[mermaidsirennikita]

omg peak jude law would've been so hot as st vincent

Thank yooou. I've told many people this and they're like "what are you talking about" and here's my thing: a lot of these reeeeally popular romance novels, especially historicals, were written like 10+ years ago and written by women who are older than than a lot of their young readers, and they have *different standards*.... *better standards*, some would say.... There are very few people who are writing romance novels with Timothee Chalamet and Tom Holland in mind, is what I'm saying.

I see Sam Claflin recommended a lot for St. Vincent and a) I personally find him attractive only in very specific situations and that cannot stand and b) I just do not think Sam Claflin has the SAUCE for St. Vincent.

When I think of a man who gives off vibes that are so, so slutty... Vibes that say "I will fuck you and never call you but you'll be okay with it".... Vibes that say "I cannot win a fight, but I will bone your girlfriend and hopefully make it out the window"... Vibes that say "I am completely broke but you'll let me stay on your mom's phone plan..."

That is Peak Jude Law. He is hot in a lean way, he gives "great conversationalist, absolute fuckboy", WE KNOW HE IS because he FUCKED THE NANNY and Sienna Miller, God bless her, WENT BACK FOR MORE???

And even the nanny was like "no ragrets" about it.

Here's the thing, too. Everyone knew Jude was a dog. (And let us be real, he probably still is, but he was incredible in The Young Pope so I'll allow it.) Everyone knew! There was no sense of "oh Jude Law is actually just a nice boy you bring home to Mom" like these guys today try to sell to the media. NO!!!! We were like "Jude Law is a fucking slut and we're living for it. Who will he bone next?"

Like, he wasn't breaking any laws (.... that I know of). He was just spreading his seed across the land, and probably still does. Why does everyone think he was so hot in The Holiday? Do people hONESTLY think a NON-SLUTTY MAN could play that role??? FOR REAL. FOR REAL FOR REAL. "I am daddy" give me a fucking break.

See: Hugh Grant playing Hugh Grant as Daniel Cleaver in Bridget Jones's Diary. I'm not even attracted to Hugh Grant like that. But I do miss that moment in time when we were like "slutty is as slutty does". Of course, there were obviously misogyny issues because women couldn't do that and you know general other issues, I'm sure Jude has given many an STI, but I'm not talking who he is as a person, I am talking his image at his height, and that is. The Vibe. For Sebastian St. Vincent.