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v3nusxsky · 2 years ago

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okay i just read the canon thing on lady lesso so i was wondering if i could request smut with the ideas of these canons

promote~ reader hasn’t seen her wife lesso for a week due work meetings and the arrival of the new students

so reader takes it in to her own hands to get her wife to come see her

and through out the week she been sending her lover many not so appropriate messages and videos and photos in lessos favourite lingerie sets and with her favourite toys

and well by the end of the week lesso has had quite enough of are bratty antics and decides to gives the punishment we are clearly asking for in this punishment reader not aloud to c*um till she successfully made her cum but only using her mouth ~

can it have some lesso fav kinks

knife play

breath play

The wrong attention| NSFW

*Authors note~ ooooo some more smut yes please, I've done similar with Larissa*

Trigger warnings~ knife kink, breath play, mistress Leo brat r oral orgasm denial toys punishments degrading kink face sitting thigh riding

Prompt~ see ask^^^^^

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The new arrivals to the schools meant you lost your wife to back to back meetings and those newbies who constantly seemed to require her attention. Even your best friend Dovey was unavailable, all week. You'd had enough after the first two days and decided that you needed to take matters into your own hands, after all you're her wife, you require her attention most of all. But you weren't about to complain to her like a whiny child, no you were going to get her to come to you, to need you like you need her.

It started off simply a few slightly suggestive texts that failed to gain her attention, to then spicing them up. Still nothing. So you decided to go harder, pictures of yourself in her favourite sets, in suggestive poses. Nothing. So now it was time for the last resort. You broke Lesso's favourite toys to use on you and took a range of pictures videos some with audio some without. Leonora was receiving texts and images in an onslaught that could rival a tsunami. And that is what made her snap. Little did you know, you'd had her attention and she was planning to reward you for your patience but now, you had the wrong kind of attention from her. You were in for a rough night.

Leonora strode into your shared bedroom with a look of immense anger plastered on her face, "on your fucking knees now pet" she all burt growled at you. When your wife was like this you knew it was in your best interest to comply, which you obviously did. "All week, you've been whoring yourself out to get my attention" she stated as she began to pace around the room, "well guess what pet. You've got my attention now and you're going to wish you never had." You gulped, you'd be really messed up now. "Your punishment is rather simple, all I need to know is you remember your safe words pet?"

"Sun~ good, pineapple~ slow down/question, blue~ get the fuck off of me" you whimpered faking innocence. "Oh that won't save you now pet, should've behaved then shouldn't you? But now you're gonna be a good pet for me" she purred magically removing both your clothing, "bed now" was the only command you were given. Scurrying up on the bed, only to be securely strapped to the bed by your arms and legs, completely at her mercy.

A vibrating dildo was strapped between your legs and an edging pace set on the remote be she clambered over your thigh. "You don't get to come until I've came on your slutty mouth" Leonora purred as she began to roll her hips against your thigh, her mouth latched onto your breasts, kissing, licking and sucking the soft skin there.

It didn't take long to have you racing toward the edge of pleasure only to have a it snatched away from you. One like about your wife is although riding your thigh is pleasurable she can't get off that way. So naturally this was a punishment so of course she teased you a few times like this until you were begging. That's when you felt the cool sensation of metal against your neck, the sharp tip slowly grazing your skin causing you to gasp. "Mistress", your eyes widened as the knife trailed down the your slender neck and into the valley of your breasts, the tip of the knife now leaving a crimson trail behind in its wake. The pain mixing with the pleasure you were being given by the toy causing you to whine in protest when it was taken from you once more, "Mistress please!"

Her tongue swiped up the crimson on trail as she tossed the knife to the side. You were whimpering and withering underneath her as she practically attempted to seal the cuts like an animal would. Only when she was satisfied you were absolutely ruined, covered in tears and sweat did she climb to sit on your face and bring her hand to rest around your smooth throat. The slight pressure combined with the weight of your lover hovering over your face was dizzying, you almost forgot what you had to do. "Is my whore to dumb to eat mistress out? Don't you want to cum pet? I thought you were gonna be a good pet" she teased squeezing slightly harder before removing her hand and sinking onto your face.

You some how managed to get your brain and body on the same wave length and managed to throw Leonora into a blissful orgasms which she happily rode out on your face. Only when she was satisfied did she remove the toy from you and roughly flip you so you now straddled her taut thigh. "Go ahead slut, the only way you are cumming is on my thigh like the little bratty whore you are" she purred coming to kiss and suck at your pulse point as her hands guided your sloppy movements until she felt you drench her thigh with her reward. Your body exhausted slumping forward onto the red head as she wrapped her arms around you.

"Sweetheart? You're so good for me, I love you so much I'm sorry I've not been around recently" she murmured into your hair and placed a sweet kiss to your hair. She may not have been around but she sure as hell put her bratty wife in her place.

Word count~ 1105

#anon answered #v3nusxsky answers #fanfic #anon requested #lady lesso #sfgae #leonora lesso #lady lesso x reader #lesso x reader #leonora lesso x reader #lady leonora lesso #lady leonora lesso x reader #lady lesso x you #lesso smutt #lesso x reader smut

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4-trenchcoat-cats · 1 year ago

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Long Post. TW Pet Loss.

Today we made the difficult decision to let Jack go. I've been meaning to do an introduction post for a while complete with pictures, but I hadn't gotten around to it. Jack is the cat in my icon at least, so there's one of the cutest pics I have of him. Most of the other cute ones are from when he was asleep or didn't know I was photographing him. He was very protective of his image, and it helped that he was born during a time when cameras still couldn't capture the void essence very well.

He was the king of the house, ruler of the roost, and grade-A asshole that controlled our lives (in the best way possible of course). There really aren't words to describe what our lives are going to be like now because we have no idea. He's the one who determined meal times for the entire house, snuggles VS no snuggles, and when I should actually wake up when it wasn't a work day. He would regularly take over my bed in his later years, and he spent the bulk of his earlier ones being kept out of places (unsuccessfully).

There are so many stories I could tell about him, but since this is my first time talking about the actual 4-trenchcoat-cats, I'll give everyone his introduction to us. It's only fitting folks see how it all began.

Picture it, 2009. We still had our larger dog then, and she spent her days sunning in our front yard whenever it was cool enough (and hoping we'd forget her when it rained). She was our ruler back then, and one day we noticed her eying our wood pile with considerable interest. There was no getting her away from it.

Then we heard it, sharp meows that could only come from the tiniest of kittens. He was the shade of the shadows and blended in well, but we spotted him, and knowing he couldn't fend for himself, we brought him inside.

We were a dogs-only household, firmly dog people. We'd started feeding some outside cats, but we'd never had one indoors. And now this little black menace was demanding food and attention, and well, we fell for it. I guess he always knew this was where he was supposed to be, and it's also one of the best origin stories of the lot seeing that the others just sort of showed up.

It's also only fitting he passed now. We lost that dog the following Thanksgiving, and now we've said goodbye to him just short of Christmas. I think the two of them wanted to be remembered, and I'm grateful for that. If it weren't for Facebook memories, I wouldn't be able to keep up.

He'll be our first that we cremate. It's only fitting that his final resting place be where he can watch us and judge us for our poor life choices, watch over our mealtimes with a hawk-like eye, and probably haunt us a little because why not? A guy has to have hobbies.

He leaves behind a sissy who doesn't know what to do with herself at. all., but I'm managing. Our two human parents who are also at a state of What Now? after so many years of trying to keep him alive, this was not a short journey. Lastly, the now three trenchcoat cats are going to do their best to honor his memory, but I just know they'll come up a little short. A new era is beginning, and I don't think it's hit them yet. I don't think it ever will if I'm being honest. How do you move on after a purricane/clawnado/meowquake rattles your life for so long?

I'm off from work so I already was planning on spending less time here (thank you satellite internet), but I don't see things changing much when I do get good browsing time again. I will forever see black cats as #jack jack cats, and any antics I come across with #jack jack energy need to be noted dutifully. I will honor his memory by pretending to carry on like something earth-shattering hasn't hit us at full force.

And, for good measure because every obituary should have a good picture, here's a proper picture of my boy taking over my bed and living his best life.

Goodbye, Sir Jack. I can't wait to see you again<3

#a tribute for jack #the real jack jack cat #tw pet loss #tw loss #tw death #tw pet death #tw animal death

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mikeperrucci · 10 days ago

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Scrapped Chuck's Devils Episodes

As 2024 comes to an end, people tend to reflect on what they've done over the past year. In my case, it's the same thing I've been doing for the last six years: Chuck's Devils.

It feels weird now that it's finally over... although in a way, it isn't. The spin-off comic, Chuck's Mini-Devils, is still in progress. For Easter 2025, both casts will meet again and wrap the two series up in a nice little bow.

Before that happens, I thought it'd be fun to go over three episode ideas that didn't make the cut, and explain the reasons why.

Lost Episode 1: Totally Devils!

I thought it was pretty obvious that Chuck's Devils was a loose parody of Charlie's Angels. Then again, I'm in my mid-40s, so younger generations may not be familiar with the source material. This became clear when this comment was left on my series trailer, referencing a different TV series starring three female characters.

Would an episode where Candace, Yu-Ri, and Lily meet Sam, Clover, and Alex work? Maybe, but I didn't know enough about Totally Spies! to write it. Basically, one of the Devils' heists would have been disrupted by the Spies. Not wanting to fight a group of teenagers, the stalemate would have been resolved with everyone eating pizza or going shopping or whatever.

Lost Episode 2: Catnapping

In each of the first three parts of the story, the Devils kidnap someone: a young woman, a baby girl, and a crude dude. Part four focused mostly on the characters ending their life of crime and achieving a happy ending, so there wasn't room for another captive. If there was, it would have been an old woman's pet cat.

The kitty acted cute and cuddly around Candace and Lily, but was a real menace when only Yu-Ri was present. They wouldn't believe her until they walked in on a battle that would rival Laurie Strode versus Michael Myers in Halloween H20. The Devils finally corral the cat and return it while covered in scratch marks.

Lost Episode 3: Beach Bums

I've groused about Chuck's Devils not gaining many readers, which again is all my fault. If no one knows I exist, they certainly wouldn't know my comic does either. The easiest way to increase viewership would have been to depict the cast naked. Those lewd artists make lots of money on Patreon, after all.

Chuck would have sent the Devils to the beach to take candid photos of a female celebrity. Unbeknownst to them, she's on a nude beach. They'd undress in changing tents and use their hair and other items to hide the sensitive areas. When they finally reach the target, they realize she's not the least bit shy, meaning any pictures would be worthless.

They try to change back into their bathing suits, but find that the shrewd starlet has snatched them. The Devils are forced to leave the tents, exposing their backsides and leaving them completely em-bare-assed. I never had the nerve to strip Candace, Yu-Ri, and Lily of their dignity. However, the idea was used when animals stole the Mini-Devils' bikini tops.

So there you have it. Three episodes that were left on the cutting room floor, which was probably for the best. More new minisodes of Chuck's Mini-Devils are coming in 2025. I hope you'll like them. Happy New Year! :)

#chuck's devils #comic #webcomic #behind the scenes #lost episodes #new year

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tthegoldentouch · 2 months ago

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Icymi but also a little rambling about stuff I added here ( let me have this, I've spent more time w a dictionary writing this than I have in my last two years of highschool) and also bc I thought more writing this than I did any essay in my academic life 😔😔😔😔

1. The parchment shaped wall clock was supposed to be based on. This curio. I was so entraces by its design I pictured how something similar would look like as a clock (and yes this is a curio but it's weird looking enough that you can find it in some empty cardboard boxes or in the trash)

2. The soup made with nettle leaves- is inspired from Cignidaki zumi— an actual Romani dish, soup made with stinging nettle leaves. I found a bunch of romani recipes but this one really caught my eye bc we have stinging nettle plant here I didn't know u can eat them until now.

3. The pink diamond bit is from the jade's timeline thing hsr posted a while ago ofc, I wanted to see a follow up on it and didn't get it so I made my own reality. I don't think finding out his birthday would take jade much effort bc A. The reports mention the avgin extinction being on their religious festival kakava and. His name is kakavasha. B. But other than that, checking his files (esp in the beginning) I like to think the system is advanced enough that it automatically concerts various dating systems and such (they're modern Enough to have the synesthesia beacon)

4. The corundum stone (god BLESS finding a stone similar to his eyes took YEARS OFF MY LIFE) it has other colors? Don't worry. Hsr has better gemstones. We can't even get the diamonds from Uranus.

5. I have.... negative feelings about jade, if you couldn't tell. I tried not to make her like a completely evil lady, but given how she did call him to "talk" post penacony main quest in canon (it had layers too) I like to think between his whole thing in penacony and later actions she thought he might need a reminder. And shed know to pick a good time.

6. virtually no way for the reader to know his personal info if he doesn't give them UNLESS she knows someone like Jade. Had they asked topaz, she'd tell them that he doesn't like it (bc the stonehearts' birthdays and such are an occasion for a party/dinner/ etc, upper class socializing stuff (that is important to the business and cause) but aventurine doesn't do THAT even tho he does throw those necessary parties anyway. So it's obvious that he. Doesn't like celebrating it at least if nothing else. Later scrapped that cuz.... that's a lot of thinking

7. I thought of adding the catcakes bc cats (pets) are a great source of comfort for So many people. And they're incredibly good at sensing human emotions. And (canonically) they're said to be as intelligent as a 6 year old so. The catcakes remind him of food when aventurine is lost in his thoughts (and it doesn't feel like it's pleasant), to distract him and direct him towards a task. They all gather around him when he starts drinking bc while they likely don't understand the concept of drinking well they DO know he's distressed, so keeping him company to help him. They'd be a little freaked out to see him emotional I imagine, bc that's not something they ever saw (hence the immediate nervous attempt at comforting by nuzzling into him) I looked up how real cats act to write this and now I want a kitty do bad 😞😔

I also like. Didn't keep them in focus at all bc like....he's not in the headspace to think about them much. But they keep showing up bc that IS his family, too .

8. Dismissing a comforting smell as a potion seems something he'd do. There's actually an all good potion ( consumable) in hsr and while THAT one didn't end up in the market there's def similar stuff already. I imagine something that makes hospital food feel comforting for the patients would be popular, hence that conclusion

9. Kakavasha's shoes . I actually thought they were different when I wrote this but later realized that they seem ....to be modified. Mended maybe? But yeah. Only a pair of shoes

10. His mother smells of creosote bush. This species is found in the deserts of southwestern North America, and is said to smell of the desert rain. For a child who was blessed by rain on his birth day I think his mother likely smelt of rain, too.

11. I wanted to add in a scene with Aventurine's secretary to show she really NEVER looks at his eyes because they're. Usually seen as freaky and odd by people. And paired with the discomfort itself, she'd naturally be more careful to not do that to not offend him (him being her boss and. Because he knows how everyone sees them.) not like that's what HE wants, but what she assumes. But I decided to scrap that lol

12. Also he only managed to cry that much bc he was inebriated lol I don't think he'll ever cry like that otherwise (plus his house is empty so he doesn't have to hide it(

And I wrote down about him still remembering the painful memories with his family (while he tries to forget the extinction event desperately) bc he needs to Preserve their memory and spent like 10 minutes thinking about it preservation.... preservation....

But anyway that's about it!!

Happy Birthday, Aventurine!!

“Aventurine always tries not to remember. He's never synced the Sigonian calendar system to check the date in trailblaze calendar, never makes the mistake of dwelling on the memories surrounding this day— even when he's too drunk to remember his own name. Done everything possible to not acknowledge it; because this day feels like nothing but a curse to him.

Unfortunately, Jade has now ensured that he never gets to forget his birthday, again.”

Pairing: Aventurine x reader

Tags: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Comfort in the end to compensate for everything else ❤️ Reader is not physically present in the fic (they're not dead it's ok)

wc: 3.3k

Aventurine was abruptly interrupted by a knock on the door just as the sun began to slant westward.

With a sigh, he puts down the pen and glances at the wall clock. The hands on the parchment-shaped monstrosity read 1 pm, but his eyes are drawn back to the purple tongue protruding from its massively extended mouth. Seriously, where does Stelle find these items? "An ugly, purple parchment shaped wall clock that looks like it's ready to eat people"— isn't something most people would think to give him, to say the least. But that's the thing—it was Stelle.

She claimed to have found it during one of her "excavations." And even though Miss March 7th did her best to keep her friend from going into further details, stepping on Stelle's toes right in front of him and giving her a sidelong glance, as if he wouldn't notice, he could tell what kind of "excavations" would turn up something like this. Not like he minds the origins of this gift, however. Gifts from friends are few and far to come by, especially ones who actually tolerate him. Not to mention, Stelle likely sincerely believes that it's a cool gift, which is why it has replaced the diamond-embedded wall clock on his wall.

His musings are interrupted by a second knock, which, like the first one, reverberates once around the room before fading away in embarrassment. "Come in." He announces, reclining back in his seat and looking at the door with expectation in his eyes. It was not uncommon for his secretary to appear randomly in his office, constantly fussing over yet another minor issue. He believed it was her; at least, his itinerary showed he didn't have any guest visits today. Maybe it was time to replace assistants—the new hire is clearly not on the same wavelength as him. But he'd only recently had Topaz yell at him for changing staff so frequently; he'd prefer not to tell her that her choice was horribly disappointing just yet.

With a tiny bag bearing a brand he is all too acquainted with, the secretary enters the office. She keeps her gaze fixed on the floor the entire time, hence doesn't notice when her supervisor raises an eyebrow at the sight of his favorite jewelry brand. "Sir," she says in a low, somewhat flat voice, akin to that of a news reporter. "Earlier, a staff of Madam Jade stopped by. You have a present."

A grin appears on Aventurine's face, followed by a joyful chuckle. With how busy work has been lately, he'd almost forgotten when he asked Jade for a pink diamond, as has Jade apparently, seeing how long it's taken for her to send this. His request was a joke, of course, only meant to irritate Topaz. But he wasn't surprised either; Jade always takes good care of her weaponry. "Ahhh, no wonder!" He chirps and presses his palms together. "She must've finally found some generosity in her heart, hm?" He muses, and his assistant can only stand there stoically. He waves her off as she places the bag on his table and departs with an unnecessary low bow, never looking at his eyes once. As always.

When the secretary has left the room, he opens the bag, humming as he removes the box and gift card. Jade's handwriting is distinctive: prim and precise cursive that resembles a font.

"Happy birthday, Aventurine. This jewel would suit you far better than the pink diamond you asked for, don't you think?" — Jade

Kakavasha freezes. His birthday, she says, but she'd need to align the standard calendar system to the Sigonian one to find that out. She sent him a…..….a gift? For his birthday?

Is this a fucking joke?

The box reveals a chunk of corundum. Raw, uncut, pink and blue hues all over. Shades way too close to his eyes, and it doesn't take a gemologist to tell that Jade had done her searching thoroughly to obtain this. A jewel the color of his eyes, the color of Avgin eyes, neatly wrapped in a box for….to send ..what sort of message, exactly? Oh Avgin, never forget who you were before I found you—unpolished and undeserving. forget your name, but never your roots.

The note is crumpled and thrown in the trashcan, while the corundum and its box are hastily and carelessly pushed back into the bag. Really, so typical of Jade, he scoffs as he tosses the godforsaken bag into a random drawer, never to be seen again.

Kakavasha— no, Aventurine always tries not to remember. He's never synced the Sigonian calendar system to check the date in trailblaze calendar, never makes the mistake of dwelling on the memories surrounding this day— even when he's too drunk to remember his own name. Done everything possible to not acknowledge it; because this day feels like nothing but a curse to him.

Unfortunately, Jade has now ensured that he never gets to forget, again.

In any case, Aventurine concludes that it is not good for him to worry about this too much. Yes, he can just forget about the corundum. Yes, he is able to forget how it resembled Avgin eyes. Yes, he can also forget that Jade most likely sent this to "keep him in check" following the stunt he did in Penacony. But it was a mistake on his part to not see something coming. She had done this before, and it would not be the last time. He smiles at his own reflection in the bathroom mirror, composed, shrewd, and calculated. Since a mirror has the freedom of choice, it does not return his smile.

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By the time the car comes to a stop in front of his house, Aventurine is exhausted. His chauffeur unlocks the door for him, and he makes his way to the elevator. Yet he's interrupted again— of course, because it's a cursed day, and Aventurine has to restrain himself from scowling at the gateman, who stands in front of him wearing an anxious expression. "Sir, your friend had visited earlier to drop off something."

He raises an eyebrow and is about to inquire when he notices the bag the man is carrying. Without saying anything further, he simply takes the bag. You are the only one who'd own a dumb clockie bag and the only one who'd ever drop things off at his place.

When he steps in, his three catcakes meow loudly to greet him, and feels somewhat grateful for it. Today was just too exhausting, after all. He understands what this is about, based on the fact that you always give him gifts in person. Why, of all days, would you consider dropping it off today? And with no advanced notice- completely unlike you. How annoying, did Jade really have to do this too? He's never disclosed his birthday to you, so you probably coerced her into telling you, and she was glad to oblige, given you are of value to her.

Aventurine doesn't realize he's been standing in the kitchen for a long time until Spade begins massaging its fluffy body on his legs. He is surrounded by his three catcakes, who are all staring up at him expectantly. The message is crystal clear: We Want Food. He moves swiftly to get their food bowls, chuckling to himself before setting your lunchbox on the counter, sort of as an afterthought. At least they'll be able to go to bed well fed tonight.

After serving them dinner, he leaves the kitchen carrying a bottle of wine, hoping to spend the remainder of the evening crashing on the couch. He can just leave everything else for tomorrow. The benefit of drinking is that it can temporarily impair your ability to sense emotions. He only needs a short term fix, after all. Come tomorrow, he'll take hangover pills, and walk out of this house as Aventurine of the stratagems again— undoubtedly.

He turns on a random B-grade movie, prepared to drink the night away. And he does precisely that—he pushes down thoughts of how his childhood friends, whose features now misty in his memories, would react if they were to see him. With another shot, he pushes down recollections of his mother's cooking—the special meals for the Kakava—and his birthday. Another to accept the now-blurry face of his sister in his memory as the only proof of her existence. Another to forget the clay dolls she'd made for him, on the last birthday kakavasha got to celebrate, that were broken when he had to run for his life. And one more shot, and another, till he's forgotten everything; till he's numb and emotionless.

Feeling empty and hollow is far worse than anything else, and being unable to cry isn't as pleasant as he thought it'd be. But in his lavish home, where gold abounds in every nook and cranny, he has little reason for tears. Money may not be able to buy him happiness, as he is well aware, but it certainly does spare him from ugly tears unfit for his visage. Maybe that's why he hasn't cried in a while, or perhaps he has simply lost his soul somewhere along the way. He stays on the couch till 3 am, accompanied by his pets. He pretends not to see the troubled looks they shoot at him, whispered words passed between them that are clearly about him. By the time he decides to rest for the night, he is fatigued, sluggish, and barely keeping it together.

When he gets up to grab a glass of water from the kitchen, Ace makes a protesting noise before promptly shutting up. Catcakes are smart creatures, and they understand him better than most individuals in his life (or maybe the difference lies in care) His throat is dry, and ice cold water from the freezer provides enormous relief. However, the respite is taken away from him by the crackling lightning, loud as a whip, pulling out memories up to the forefront of his mind again. Of the lightning without the rain, of Sigonia-IV. The drumming of the thunder is largely hidden by the concrete walls, so it isn't as hard on the ear—but it aches a lot more than it did before. Aventurine sneers to himself, dismissing the idea as ludicrous. As if.

The second time the thunder sizzles, Aventurine has to take a sharp breath and grip the countertop to steady himself. It sounds like playing dead in the bleeding streams of Sigonia-IV, like the booming cackle of the mocking thunder. Had he been an insolent child, just a little more doubtful than he already was, he'd believe it was Mama Fenge herself laughing at her so called "blessed child". The thunder sounds similar, but it's not the same. No, because this is still Aventurine and he's still here and those are someone else's memories, forgotten and buried in sand.

Aventurine sighs.

Drinking too much has never done any good to him.

Just as he is ready to leave the kitchen, he notices the lunchbox sitting the counter out of the corner of his eye. Oh, right. He hadn't even touched it. A distraction doesn't seem bad now, though. If he wants to fabricate a plausible lie about eating the food, he would at least need to know what kind of food you sent. If the mental image of your frown after discovering he never even looked at what you sent is what gives him the final push , he would never admit it.

The lunchbox has a plains bear cub logo: you've always been a sucker for cute things. He sets aside the little note attached for later this time, preferring to taste the dinner first. It looks like you chose to make him some kind of soup. Insulated lunchboxes are a blessing— because it's surely been well over half a day since you made it, yet it's still warm. While the presentation is relatively simple, it smells strangely comforting— effect of some potion? He's heard of those, but they're usually used for sick patients, no? Other than that, this is the first homemade meal he's having in a….while. Not that it matters. Aventurine isn't picky, and while the leafy greens are unfamiliar to him, he believes he can handle at least a tablespoon.

Even the largest avalanche can be triggered by the smallest of things. Just one spoonful, and yet it's enough to make his world stop.

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The dry, broken soil scraped against his bare feet, producing little clouds of dust in its wake. His strides were light and rapid, nearly tripping over himself with excitement and giddiness. Just a little more, and he'll reach the finish line. Even the Sun's typical glare felt kind today; warm and tender against his tanned skin. Jumping over the homemade hurdles, he reaches the finish line far ahead of his friends. They protest and pout, and he taunts them with the biggest smile on his face. The soles of his feet feel slightly sore from running barefoot, but Kakavasha wouldn't risk destroying his only pair of shoes for a game.

When he hears his sister's voice calling for him, he rushes to embrace her and buries his face in her apron. His mother once told him that the Avgins all possess lovely voices, but Kakavasha believes his sister's is the best, especially when she laughs.

"And when will you listen to me and stop running around in the middle of the day, hm?" She pinches his nose and uses her apron to wipe the dirt off his face. Kakavasha beams at her with no regrets, proudly displaying the gap between his teeth. Once kakavasha had said his goodbyes to his friends, they walk hand in hand towards their tent.

There, his mother welcomes them with a warm embrace that smells like creosote bush and desert rain. “My darling," she coos, putting his small hands in her larger ones, rough from labour. "I remember you promised to be on time for lunch last time?" He grins cheekily, vowing not to do it again. (He's a repeat offender, but he knows that his mother and sister can't stay upset at him for long.)

His mother laughs, and tells him to tidy up before eating. Kakavasha's tummy is grumbling by the time he returns, and he finds the mats his sister laid down to sit on. The two siblings sit next to each other, chatting and giggling as they wait for their mother. She serves them a pot of hot soup with nettle leaves and lentils, just the way Kakavasha prefers it. He's overjoyed; quickly finishing his prayers before digging in. Kakavasha is a growing boy, and that's proved again when he finishes his bowl before his family.

⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆

The soup she'd served him back then wasn't anything lavish; just a simple soup with local herbs and nettle leaves in a broth that smelt so uniquely of hers. His mama may have had a knack for cooking, but due to a lack of opportunities and resources, she never got to demonstrate her abilities. Compared to that, your food is much finer, and while excellent, it lacks the warmth of his mother's hands.

Nevertheless, he can't resist taking another spoonful and quickly putting it in his mouth because the familiarity is so, so palpable. He recalls that his sister wanted him to eat better, so she gave him half of her portion after he finished his. His mother then gave his sister half of her portion, as they are Both growing children. All of a sudden, the bickering, the laughs, and their voices are as plain as day in his mind. He can't fully recall the glitter in his sister's eyes or the dimple on his mother's cheek, but it's clearer than any other memory he had of them, that's for sure.

Aventurine can't stop crying, even if he wants to. Trying to halt the choking sobbing is fruitless, as is trying to figure out what's going on. He picks up the little message with shaking hands, hoping—praying—that it will help. You'll make it make sense. Somehow.

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“Dear Aventurine, I hope you have a wonderful birthday!!!!”

Written in thin, flowing, rounded letters that are noticeably cleaner than your actual handwriting. You undoubtedly put a lot of effort into each letter you wrote. Aventurine was correct in assuming you found out his birthday through Jade, as you have written it here. "Buying a gift for you seems…a little perfunctory," you said, "so I've settled with cooking you something myself."

"And if the dish tastes familiar (which I hope it does) then yes, you've guessed it right— it's a traditional Avgin dish."

The perfumed ink is thicker here, a few ink blots from where you've likely paused to think, go over each sentence in your head before writing them down.

You mention finding the Avgin dishes by reading some kind of research paper on Sigonian culture and food, but Aventurine isn't sure he can believe that. You wrote, "I was fortunate enough," yet chance alone wouldn't get you something like that. Sure, maybe some doctoral candidate was crazy enough to choose a dead planet and its deader tribes to write about, but finding that paper would be too difficult. The biggest issue, however, is that Aventurine believes this dish should not and cannot exist. The stinging nettle leaves his mother used are no longer available, and while he didn't know much about cooking at the time, he was aware that all of the spices he knew were almost extinct. He's looked enough to know.

"I'll be honest, I had some trouble locating the ingredients for it and had to swap the majority of them because I couldn't find them. I really wanted to bring back a familiar feeling, even if it tastes very different from how you remember it. Plus, it's the thought that counts, right?"

In contrast to the light-hearted language, your writing is slightly wobbly and darker here, and Aventurine wonders if you realise your emotions seep through every single one of your actions, laid bare for the world to see.

Noting the disappearance of their owner, curious, the catcakes peep into the kitchen are immediately alarmed to see their owner sitting on the counter stool, sobbing and clutching a box. Spade, unsure of what to do, nuzzles it's head on Aventurine's leg, while the others meow in an attempt to calm him down. Aventurine hasn't sobbed in a long time—he can't remember how to anymore. His body shakes with each ragged and broken sob, sounding shattered and damaged, but he can't stop.

"I hope it brings you fond memories" is what you wrote down, but are you aware of the full impact of what you did for him? Most likely not. Aventurine cherishes all of his memories, including the unpleasant ones: as long as it involves his family. His misery knows no bounds, but he's only had a few years with his sister, and even fewer with his mother. So even the saddest memories are never forgotten, so he can preserve as much of them as possible. They live through his memories, after all.

Even when plain, his mother's meals provided him with more warmth than anything else back then. To feel that warmth decades later is a blessing he can't repay— but a blessing nonetheless. He doesn't have many memories like this one either, gentle and happy, contrary to the endless memories of struggling. He remembers their love so vividly right now, feels it so strongly, alongside yours— that he has no choice but to revel in it.

(Come tomorrow , when he's sober, puffy-eyed from crying and not as vulnerable, he'll have trouble figuring your reasoning. But for now, he'll be fine. Tonight, he'll go to sleep feeling loved. Tonight, his pets will cuddle him to sleep. Tonight, he'll dream of a Sigonia Only he knows.)

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A/N: I'm honestly still so embarrassed about this bc I have an idea but can't execute it like I want to and 🫠🫠 As always, comments and reblogs are really appreciated!! Thank you for reading <3

#my writing #aventurine #please i wanna write hcs so bad thwy qont take this much thinking why did i

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ninjournals · 2 years ago

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27 years

PART 1 (Can be interchangeable)

I started to document everything

01: Document everything.

I can't tell you how much I wish I took photos and video clips of just about everything in my life.

I'm 26 now, and I can't tell you how fast life can be. One day I just turned 16, just moving into the big city for college. and suddenly, it's been a decade already--with tons of memories.

But with just a few photos to show for it.

This is one thing I regretted doing, not documenting everything.

With the pressure of making a photo of a moment look perfect for the instagram feed, it donned on me that it stopped me from getting any core memories properly preserved. I wish I didn't fall into that trap, but I did, now all I'm left are the curated, filtered instagram worthy photos that only a few people liked.

It's the pressure from older generations to 'live in the moment', not sticking phones in our noses that we'll be missing what's in front of us. Calling us vain and out of reach, not realizing it was our way of preserving the moment. Now, I wish I didn't listen.

If I could talk to my past self, this is one advice I will give her.

Take photos of every moment, including herself.

I've always known that I've had personal looks issues. I knew I wasn't attractive, and appealing. That hit extra hard when a friend once called me a six when I felt confident at that time--in their language, it's basically a zero but with pity. I remember another friend telling me I don't look good enough to hang out with the rest of my beautiful friends that I ended up pushing them away and distancing myself. I was so scared of getting ridiculed for my looks so much that I didn't entertain any guy interaction that could lead to something more.

When I went back to my childhood bedroom in the province during lockdown, I found one of my journals. I realized how ugly I perceived myself. There were drawing of monsters that I assume was me. I was very insecure and self loathing. I hated myself too much that I preferred taking the photos than actually being in them. Now I'm regretting it.

I wish I took photos of my childhood playmates, my old dorm room, what our house used to look like before the renovations, my teachers, my college friends that I've lost touch with, the old view of the town before the buildings, places I've been in--just abouteverything! Maybe now, I wouldn't feel as lonely. and i won't be relying on my skewed perception of what the moment looked like.

I could've had a physical proof of what my parents and brothers looked like in their younger days, or what they look like now--something I could show to their future kids and grandkids.

Now thatI've had that epiphany, I've been taking clips and photographs of every moment in my life. So many videos and pictures that it filled up my laptop storage. These include photos and videos of theo-our pet rabbit. dane, my kids' future dad in his late 20s, vacations and travels with the family, growth and life progress--all summed up with a nice lofi background track that I've gotten from a free no-copyright site.

That's right, my vlog.

And now, you're witnessing me preserve my memories the best way possible.

My future self would thank me for doing this.

Finally, I'll have something to look back to, when I'm feeling a wee bit nostalgic.

I thank my parents everyday for never letting a milestone of our lives slide without snapping a photo or a video of it. We grew up with lots of photos to look back after. Now, dane's doing the same thing to me. Taking photos and videos of me when I'm usually the one at the back of the camera.

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painintopurpose · 2 years ago

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In my journey through divorcing a narcissist, post separation abuse, and parental alienation, I ended up stuck in grief. For so long I didn't have a word to describe the overwhelming emotional pain I was experiencing. I felt like I was dying and at times I wished for the sweet relief of death.

The experience was so isolating. I felt lost. I was obsessed with my pain. I couldn't see anything beyond it. I didn't know how to cope. No one around me knew what to do. Then I started to notice I was on my own.

My family became strangers to me. Some of my best friends became my biggest critics. No one would help me. My life felt like it was over and I felt like it was the end of the line for me.

Suicide was on my mind daily. Sometimes it was all I could think about. It consumed my reality, I couldn't see anything past the obsessive thoughts.

When I finally decided I was going to kill myself, I felt at peace. I was going to end my life and I was okay with it. I imagined my family, friends, and acquaintances receiving the news and pictured an initial reaction but eventually they would all move on. I didn't feel an ounce of guilt. If anything, I felt like I was doing them a favor.

Then, my daughter popped up into my mind. I pictured someone telling her that her mommy is dead and in an instant I felt regret. My daughters pain was enough to completely change my mind. My natural instinct kicked in. I felt an overwhelming need to protect her from experiencing that pain. I wasn't going to commit suicide but the thoughts came back with full force.

I didn't want to feel this pain. I didn't want to suffer. Yet, I can't die! I won't! It was a hell I can't describe. I found myself wishing that I didn't love my daughter. I wish I didn't care.

I was so angry at fates twisted humor. This had to be my hell. I was suffering and nothing would ever bring relief. I continued to live and nothing changed. Some days I would scream out in pain and frustration! I cried so hard one time that I couldn't take a breath and I felt like I was about to suffocate. It felt like a game the devil was playing with me. Crying would bring me to the brink of death and I felt every bit of it but like a yo yo I would be pulled back from deaths sweet release and become fully emerged back into reality.

Eventually my anger lit a fire under my ass. I was done! I was done with the pain! I was done with the games! If I had to live then I might as well DO SOMETHING!

I didn't know what that something was but the rage wouldn't let me sit down. The adrenaline dragged me out of bed and sat in front of a computer. I didn't know what to do but I had to do something and I wouldn't stop until I find whatever that something is. Where better to begin than the world wide web?

I searched for hours on end, day after day. One article would lead me to another. Every so often I would learn something new. It was like a mystery I had to solve and one clue led to the next. I didn't know where it was leading me, but anywhere was better than sitting in my misery. I didn't anticipate any solutions. I've been knocked down too many times to entertain hope. I didn't plan to land anywhere. My rage just fueled the trip.

Then to my surprise, I landed somewhere. I discovered that what I was experiencing was grief. I learned that grief wasn't all black and white. In fact, it was a very diverse world. I thought grief was meant only for those who lost a loved one to death, but as it turns out grief is experienced in all areas of life and is far more common than I thought.

We grieve over loss of any kind. Loss of identity. Loss of a sense of purpose. Loss of a home. Loss of a pet. The experience of grief is subjective and depends on a various number of factors, but there have been some definitions and labels that can land you in a category that makes sense.

I found so much information online about grief that made me feel less alone. It also helped direct me in a direction to heal and although I have a long way to go, I at least know the way.

In the case of narcissistic abuse, post separation abuse, and parental alienation I discovered that I'm surrounded by all different kinds of grief.

Anticipatory Grief - It took me years to finally muster up enough courage to leave my abusive husband. I knew exactly what would happen. I told my mom that I don't mind staying married to him until my daughter's 18. I didn't want to risk losing her. She encouraged me to go and find resources, that there was help out there, so I reluctantly left. Almost immediately I lost custody of our daughter to lies and false accusations and because I was financially dependent on my husband I couldn't afford an attorney. My therapist pointed out that I was referring to my daughter in past tense. Although the custody battle had just started I already subconsciously accepted reality. I would say things like, "I loved her so much", "we were so close". I had already been grieving my loss, long before I left.

Disenfranchised Grief - Disenfranchised grief occurs when the grief you are feeling is not supported by society or recognized as legitimate. Also known as hidden grief or sorrow, disenfranchised grief is often not acknowledged, validated, or understood. There are many examples that express disenfranchised grief, but for me I was experiencing a "living death". No one could understand my overwhelming response to losing custody of my daughter. A lot of people fed into the lies about me and thought I deserved it. Others were able to rationally look at my situation and couldn't understand why I was falling apart rather than pressing forward with my life. Family members lost patience with me. One comment that slapped me in the face came from a frustrated relative who attempted to help me. "What do you want from everyone? What will make you happy? You want your daughter back? Is that what it's going to take?". Well, yes! That would take away a majority of my grief! What's wrong with a mother wanting her very young child in her care and feeling incomplete without her?? After that my frustrated relative stopped attempting to help and overall faded out of my life. I understand that many felt helpless because there was nothing they could do. What they didn't realize, and neither did I at the time, was that they didn't have to do anything and they could still be there. They could allow me to grieve.

Chronic grief - chronic grief results when extremely intense reactions to loss do not subside. These emotions will last for a very long time and cause you to have incredible distress that continues to intensify. You’ll have difficulty making much, if any, progress in moving through your grief so you can heal. I'm pretty sure this had so much to do with disenfranchised grief.

Secondary loss grief - secondary loss grief can occur when a loss affects several areas of your life. The end result can be that you actually experience a number of losses, all stemming from the original loss you experienced.

I can go on because there's a world of grief associated with parental alienation and narcissistic abuse, but I've already gone into enough detail to point out that grief could very well be exactly what's holding you back. After learning about all of this I felt less alone, was able to put into words what I was experiencing, and am able to move forward. Grief is unique to everyone but it's nice to be able to relate to others during such painful experiences in life.

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peterrparrkerr · 3 years ago

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Prostate milking - read on ao3

Inspired by this picture!

*-*

Peter knows he shouldn't be messing with the suit. He knows. Tony put the training wheels protocol on for a reason.

But Peter didn't need training wheels. He was fucking dating Tony Stark! He was Spiderman, and he was starting college in the spring!

He took out the Vulture and Beck and fought against Captain America! He didnt need training wheels.

Hacking into the suit was a piece of cake, and finding the protocol was easy peazy.

He'd disabled it within ten minutes of finding it, and quickly donned his red and blue suit, ready to test it out. After years of being child protected, it was time to see what he could really do with Stark tech at his disposal.

Only what ended up happening was something he wasn't expecting. The suit stops working completely, and locks up.

"What?" Peter demands, reaching up to pull his mask off. Only it won't come off.

"Karen, what's wrong with my suit?" Peter demands, pressing the spider on his chest to no avail.

He's trapped inside his suit!

"It seems someone has manually taken control of your suit," Karen said. Peter's heart hammers in his chest and he frantically begins clawing at his chest and neck, desperate for a way to get it off.

"Override it!" He demanded, voice raising a couple octaves.

"I'm sorry, it seems whoever has taken control knows all of my protocols and is locking me out."

Peter lets out a small whimper, looking around the room for anything that could help. His eyes land on the computer.

His suit was hooked up to it, maybe whoever got ahold of it snuck through.

Peter drops to his knees in front of the computer, frantically clicking away, trying to find whoever hitched a ride into his suit.

"Peter."

Peter jumped, then let out a breath of relief.

"Tony!" He nearly sobbed. "Someones hacked my suit. I can't get out of it!"

"I know," Tony's voice speaks through Peter's suit. "You think I wouldn't be alerted to anyone messing with my tech?"

"Can-can you fix it?" Peter asked, desperate.

"Of course," Tony said, sounding insulted that Peter would even insinuate that he couldn't. "But first, I think you should be punished."

That stops Peter short. "Punished? For what? Tony I'm stuck in my suit!"

"I know, I put you in there," Tony responded. "You're not ready for the trainingwheels protocol to be removed. I thought we talked about this before."

"I am!" Peter argues. "I'm ready, Tony, I'm not a kid anymore."

"I'm aware of that," Tony sighed. "But you're still not ready. I told you not to hack into the suit and you did it anyway."

"Tony-"

"I'll be home in an hour," Tony said. "We'll see where you're at and determine if you need to be punished longer."

"You're gonna trap me in the suit?" Peter demanded incredulously.

"Yep," Tony responds. "Behave."

And then Tony's voice is gone, and something else happens to the suit.

Peter lets out a yelp when he feels something pressing into his ass. The nanotech of the suit is shifting.

"Tony- Tony! What-" he drops to his hands when the tech breaches him. Its not thick enough to stretch him out, but he feels it press into his prostate.

He yelps when it starts vibrating.

"Fuck," he gasps. "Fuck, fuck, Tony, stop, turn it off."

Tony doesn't respond.

"Karen, over-override systems, turn it off!"

"I'm sorry, Peter, I've lost all controls to the suit," Karen says. Peter groans.

Tony had to have added this special feature to his suit after they got together.

The pulsing vibrations at his prostate has his cock hardening against his stomach, trapped in the suit.

He cums with a choked off whimper, chest heaving.

An hour of this, he thinks with dread. The vibrating doesn't let up.

Peter trembles on the floor, gripping at his mask. He tugs, and almost cries when it pulls free.

He drops it to the ground before frantically reaching for the rest of the suit, wondering if Tony relinquished the controls or if Karen had been able to override it anyway.

But the suit doesn't come off, and Peter shudders at the feeling of the pulsing in his ass.

"Tony- Tony please I can't do this," he said, desperate. Tony doesn't respond.

He turns his eyes to the alarm clock on the nightstand. Three minutes have passed.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," he grinds out. He can feel his cum in the suit, sticking to his skin.

He shudders and shifts, hands pressed into the floor, sitting on his heels. He tries to take controlled breaths, but its hard.

His second orgasm is sharper than the first one, more intense, and Peter drops to his side, writhing on the floor as his prostate is assaulted without stop.

Its the longest hour of Peter's life, and he cums two more times, each time taking him longer to get there.

He's sobbing by the time Tony comes into their bedroom, and he's so out of it, he can't even register his presence, even when Tony sits down on the bench at the end of the bed.

"Look at you," Tony murmurs. Peter chokes on a sob, forehead pressed into the floor, body trembling. His hips rock on their own accord, and his hands reach for Tony, gripping his pantleg.

"Ton-Tony, make it st-stop," he begs wetly. Tony reaches down and pets Peter's hair, slightly damp with sweat. "Ple-please make it sto-op!"

"Karen," Tony speaks, ignoring Peter's pleas. "How many times has he cum?"

"Four, sir," Karens voice rings out quietly. Peter feels himself tip over the edge again. Its painful and dry and has Peter nearly blacking out. He wails against the floor, trembling like a small dog.

"Please, please, please," Peter pleads on repeat. "I can't, I can't-"

Peter wraps his hand around Tony's ankle, desperate for an anchor.

"Just one more, Pete," Tony says softly, continuing to pet Peter's hair.

"I can't!" He sobs, breath hitching.

"I know, baby, but this is a punishment," Tony responds. "You know better than to mess with the suit."

"Please, Tony," Peter whimpers. He knows it'll take an excruciatingly long time to cum a sixth time. There's a sharp pain in his ass from overstimulation, and his cock throbs in the worst way.

"Come here, baby," Tony hums. It takes help for Peter to crawl into Tony's lap, sobbing and trembling as he does.

He straddles Tony's thighs, wrapping his arms around Tony's shoulders and burying his face there.

Tony runs soothing hands up and down Peter's suited torso, from his sides to his back, then down to his thighs, and back up.

The whole while he murmurs to Peter, soothing words that do nothing to relieve the pain.

"I can't," Peter sobs, voice wet and brittle as tears soak Tony's shirt.

"You're almost there," Tony murmurs, kissing at Peter's neck. "Just one more and then you're done."

Peter's final orgasm is white hot. Pain shoots up his entire body. Theres no pleasure at all, its all painful and dry and Peter wails loudly, gripping Tony for dear life.

"All done," Tony promises. The suit turns off immediately at his words and Peter sobs in relief, his whole body sore and still trembling.

"No more messing with the suit, Peter," Tony says, wrapping his arms around Peter before standing.

Peter shakes his head, wrapping his legs around Tony's waist as the older walks them to the bathroom.

"Lets get you cleaned up."

#marvel #tony stark #peter parker #starker #ironman #spiderman #my writing #ao3 #sfsummerbingo21

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carrottheluvmachine · 1 year ago

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2 years ago, I lost my stepdad to cancer. I cried the day they came to take his body away, I cried in the days leading up to it. He was bedbound and unable to speak for a total of three days before he passed. I didn't get to say goodbye. It was hard but I was numb to it. I cried once, and that was really it.

Following that, I lost 4 of my cats due to varying health conditions, including kidney failure. I became more and more numb to death. I feel I never processed it properly. But I lost them all in rapid succession, and trust me, I'm one of the biggest pet people alive. My cats were my entire life.

Kidney failure effects cats differently. Sometimes, cats can live years with it. My two orange boys passed from it, they were brothers--one lasted around a month after being diagnosed, the other lasted eighteen months.

Here are my tips for you.

Use baby food. If you buy a meat based baby food, heat it up in the microwave mixed with a tiny bit of water, you can pour it over your cats existing food or mix it into their wet food. Cats like food that smells strongly (which is why they're so addicted to wet food). They can also eat the baby food plain if they refuse to eat anything and you're desperate. Just don't give them a lot at a time, only a teaspoon should do it.

There are many kinds of kidney care food. My cat was partial to Hills k/d and Royal Canin k/d. There are different kinds (there's many letters, but I remember my cat being fond of the E formula and the D formula). Keep trying until one sticks. You can always switch them up if your cat gets sick of them.

Sit with him when you want him to eat. You can even hold his bowl. I used regular dishes that were flat to feed my boys because cats sometimes don't like it when their whiskers touched the edges of their bowls. Don't get discouraged, start slow. Praise him for eating, even if it's just a bite. You can also dot baby food on your finger and have him lick it off. If you're desperate enough, touch the food to your cat's nose or lips so they have to lick it off and get a taste.

Fluids can be administered twice a week to help with failing kidneys. My cats both went through it. Luckily, my vet was amazing. They charged me per bag of fluids instead of each visit and it was wonderful. They took such good care of all of my cats. The most expensive thing was the food, but it was worth it to get another year with my boy. Ask your local vet about these fluids. I didn't even need appointments after a while--I was told I could bring Alphonse in whenever I needed and I stuck to a regular schedule. Eventually the entire office knew us, cared for us, and befriended us (they even hugged us and cried with us when it came time to say goodbye).

My final piece of advice: don't give up. Cherish every moment you have with him. Take pictures, pet him, snuggle him. Life is fleeting, make it last.

If you need any more advice or just want to talk, feel free to message me. I know this is long and I really didn't intend to make it a novel, but I've really been through it when it comes to pets and death and I couldn't help but say a few words to hopefully help you through it.

You know how people tell you: "It's just a cat"?

"At least it's not a person, that would be a lot harder"?

Here's a story, then.

I lost my dad two years ago. It was sudden, scary, painful. My mom tried to commit suicide after that. I thought I was immune to grief after that, especially when it comes to pets.

I mean, I lost one of the closest people to me and I didn't even get to sat goodbye to him. Try to top that, yeah?

And now my three year old cat is suddenly sick. We went to the vet hospital, I spent 3k$. They said they cannot help him. He has a rare autoimmune disease which caused kidney failure. They let us go home, so I could say goodbye to him. He looked pretty ok when we got back yesterday.

Since this morning he isn't eating. He came to me and lay down beside me, breathing heavily. He closed his eyes and fell asleep.

I don't know what to do. I don't want him to suffer. I keep thinking that maybe he will survive. He doesn't look in pain. But he isn't eating. Wtf do I do?

"Oh don't worry, it's just a cat."

I lost my father and grandmother in less than a year. I almost had a miscarriage during labour, my son barely made it out alive.

And still, here I am, crying over "just some cat".

Grief doesn't make you immune. And losing a person doesn't make it less painful in the future when losing a pet.

Trust me, I know.

#cats #kidney failure #advice

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sadowlswriting · 2 years ago

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What would you do if I said I still loved you?

That even though its been 2 years since we've talked, some how whenever I'm alone I end up thinking about you. I thought I'd managed to move on, that I'd managed to forget just enough about you that every second I'm not doing something, you wouldn't be on my mind, but I was wrong.

I know that I shouldn't be thinking about you so much, I shouldn't be wanting to talk you, I shouldn't be hoping that one day we'll bump into each other and start a conversation.

You weren't good for me, and you still aren't whether you've changed or not. But it's okay to want it as long as I don't act on it, right?

What would you do if I said I still cared?

That I think about what you're up to more times than I should, I think about how you're doing, how college is treating you, how your family are, whether you eventually got the pet dog you kept pestering your mom about, whether your room still looks the same or if you've maybe changed the colour of the walls or the way things were set. I could go on and on but I won't.

Do I linger on your mind as much as you do in mine? Have I become a taste in the back of your throat you can't get rid of no matter how many times you rinse it? Do you feel my fingers from when I touched your skin? Does the sensation stick like glue? Do you hear my name or read it somewhere and immediately think of me? Do you see a video or picture that you find funny and you want to share it with me but before you press the send button, the realisation hits you like it had many times before but you forgot that we don't know each other anymore and it would now be weird to send that?

Did you ever actually love me? Or was it the fact that I was easy to mold that you loved?

Did you ever actually want me? Or did you just want someone you could have to service you whenever you called?

Did you ever care about me? Or was it just a way to get me into your web?

I ask myself these questions everytime, something reminds me that you once existed in my life. I ask myself these questions, and it tortures me because I know I'll never get those answers; and even if I did I don't think I'd be satisfied.

You hadn't die, but I had already lost you long before I told you I was leaving but the day that I called you and said that I'd had enough I lost the presence of another person in my life, one that had been practically glued to me and it was comforting in some parts but also so suffocating when I wasn't used to it.

I've never really grieved for a person before, and it wasn't really grieving a person but more so mourning the loss of a friendship I had never experienced before so i wasn't sure how to do it. I know everybody does it differently, but how do you know when you've passed the stage of mourning and you move on to acceptance and letting go?

I want to let you go, but I don't know how.

I guess it's okay to still care for you and to still love you and want you, if it's at a distance, isn't it?

Would you have mercy on me and free my mind from the grip you still have on it, if I stopped fighting against you?

If the wounds that are still bleeding and the scars that still healing became visible to you, would you help patch them up and make sure they didn't get worse?

I'm not angry or sad or disappointed, I just guess I feel like maybe I'm missing something that even if you came back it wouldn't fill, it wouldn't feel complete it would just feel like I'm trying to put something in a place where it doesn't belong, like putting on a shirt that's too small just because you want to be that size but just because you want it doesn't mean it's going to feel right. That space I want to fill it's no longer for you, you no longer fit.

To put it in a more simple and short way, I'll just say I'm confused. And maybe one day I'll figure it out, and maybe another day I'll see something that reminded me of you and what I see will be just what I see.

-Owl.

#Poetry #Writing #grief poetry #i guess #also #vent? sorta

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straykidsworldwild · 4 years ago

Text

Duskwood

Phil Hawkins x MC

Part 1 : MC is having a horrible, horrible day and she goes to the Aurora to have a drink.

(⚠️Sad. Some swearing ⚠️)

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Heyy guys!! Here's a little Phil Hawkins one shot part 1 because there's not enough Duskwood imagines 🙈

(pictures aren't mines but I made the collage and the character aren't mines. All rights go to Duskwood creators and owners of the pics.)

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My day was total crap... I don't believe I've had such a horrible day before. Or at least, not for a long time... It feels like everything is falling apart little by little. Like nothing is meant to go normally. I woke up like any other day, and yet, it feels like I woke up in a chaotic world where everything is meant to go wrong... Since that call, everything is going downhill...

The night has fallen which means I have officially done my day. It felt like forever... Like I am in an endless loop... And since I was meant to do the closing, my day felt even longer than usual. I just finished cleaning the little restaurant I worked at and closed it. It's not a job I would want to do my whole life, even though it is nice to work in a restaurant, but I need money to pay for my college study. My mom is helping pay for them, but I'm trying to pay as much as I can on my own. Anyway... I am walking in the streets of Duskwood which are beamed by the streetlights. It is surprisingly emptier than usual. I guess it's due to the rain... Like my day wasn't cloudy enough already... I think I need a break... Yeah... I need a drink...

I walk toward a familiar building, some greenish-blueish light lightening the area. Aurora... The famous bar of Duskwood owned by my best friend's brother. I've rarely been there alone... Usually I go with the rest of the group. But I really need... Ugh... Maybe I should just go home? Isn't it too late to go there anyway? Ugh... I'm asking myself too many questions. I guess a drink really won't hurt. I reach the door before falling face to face with a sign. CLOSED. Great... I sigh disappointed as I am standing under the rain. Oh... But he is still here. Through the window, I can see a familiar figure cleaning the place. Oh well, I'm neither here nor there... I lift my hand and knock on the door of the bar. The man turned around as I got his attention. I cross my arms over my chest and notice that the rain has already soaked my hair and my vest. I must look awful... The man comes up to the door and opens it for me.

- Gorgeous! Come in before you catch a cold, tells me, the man, using that nickname he always does. I don't know why he does it... I never heard him calling other girls like this. Well, he does use pet names but not this specific one. I step in the bar and he closes the door behind me. You know I love you very much but I'm about to close so... He begins to tell me with his famous smirk despite the little fatigue I can see on his face. His hair is held up in a bun as he usually does when he works. He is wearing a white shirt, letting his huge tattoo on his neck appear, and a black trousers. By the sight of his eyes, I can tell he had a long day too...

- I just need one drink, Phil, I simply answer to my friend. My voice sounded so... Tired and flat. Phil looks at me with a slight surprise, losing slowly his smile. I guess the sound of my voice surprised him. Please... I plead to him with the same tone.

- I would never say "no" to my favorite customer, would I? He answers with a smirk. I faintly smile back at him, happy that finally something goes well. For now... He could have said "no". The two of us walk over to the bar and I sit on a stool while he goes behind the counter. We're alone in the bar since he was about to close so it's pretty quiet. The usual I guess, he tells me with his deep and calm voice.

- Actually... Whiskey. Pure, I reply, stopping him in his momentum. Phil looks back at me for a second, processing my words.

- Wow, I knew you had that wild part in you, Gorgeous, but I didn't think I would ever see it, he tells me with a surprised tone again. Yet, he doesn't seem to dislike it. Phil gets two glasses and he pours a little bit of the beverage in the glasses.

- A little more, please... I tell him with the same flat and tired voice. I stop myself from letting a long sigh out. Again, I feel his eyes burning me before he pours a little more alcohol. Thanks, I thank him.

- On the house, he tells me, leaning against the counter as he raises his glass. I was about to retort but he gave me a look, telling me he won't change his mind.

- Double thanks, I thank him again, clinking my glass with him before taking a sip. Argh... That tastes awful! I can feel the liquid burning my throat.

- So... I know I act like I am very happy to see you, which is the case, don't get me wrong, Gorgeous, he begins to tell me before rapidly correcting himself. But I also see that you're not fine, MC, Oh... I look down as I take a deep breath in. It must not be very hard to see I had a bad day then... Usually I can hide it pretty well... But right now. It's too deep, too much. I'm not even sure "bad" is a strong enough word to describe how crappy my day was. What's wrong? He asks me, sounding calm, gentle and interested, yet, with a point of concern.

- I'm okay, Phil, I softly respond to my friend while slowly shaking my head negatively.

- Mmh... This "I'm okay" sounded more like a "I'm-not-okay-but-I-am-putting-a-brave-face-on". Like a hidden call for help, he tells me gently, yet, seriously. His deep voice is just so... Irresistible, and always so calm. Who could resist it? Well... I guess at this moment I can. My mind is too bothered and busy right now. I crack a very faint smile before looking down at my glass again. I take a sip of it and lightly grimace to the taste of the drink. Who hurt you? He asks me seriously as he takes a cigarette and the lighter. Who… Why someone and not something?

- It's not about me, I respond in a whisper, lying to him. I hate talking about myself when I'm down. I don't want to bother people with my problems... I don't want to be the one to bring negative vibes. Oh no... I turn lightly my head to the side as I feel the tears coming up. I need a break... I need to break.

- Lie, he simply says. I don't look at him and I don't contradict him either. What happened? He asks again with seriousness, not letting this subject aside. I don't answer again. I can feel a lump in my throat. The tears are thick in my eyes and threatening to fall at any time now. MC, talk to me. I'm not here to judge you or... I hide my face even more as I can't stop myself from grimacing sadly. I can't take it... I let a sob out accidentally as if my body is talking for myself. I want to scream. But I can't... MC... He calls me with concern. Phil puts down his cigarette and walks around the counter to join my sides. I don't move and keep my back to him. I hate when people see me crying... Phil puts his hand on my shoulder so I could face him but I push it away, not too harshly, but not too gently either. I let another sob out as I closed my eyes. The tears are so thick and warm... There's so much emotion in them. They roll down my cheeks regularly, evacuating my pain. Without saying a word, I feel a pair of arms holding me. A chest lays against my back. My hair was all wet... His shirt must be wet too by now. It's okay, MC, I hear him whispering. I should push him away. I know how Phil is with girls... Isn't it too easy to cry in front of him and him then being too nice? I know he is my friend and my best friend's brother, but... God, I'm lost. Usually I go to Jessy or I call her. But I came here... Why? Ugh...

- I'm sorry... I whisper shakily through my sobs. I came for a drink and I ended up breaking in front of him...

- No, it's okay. Get it out, he says with a comforting and calm tone. It actually sounds weird coming from him... I know Phil for a few years and he was never like this. I mean, he is always calm but caring like this? That's rare... More than rare. Long minutes later, I slowly calm down. I am still breathing lightly shakily but I'm not sobbing anymore. Only a few tears here and there stream down my eyes. I take a deep breath in and out before wiping my cheeks. I don't remember when was the last time I cried this much... It hurts. It hurts so much. I accumulated too much. I didn't break when mom told me about my uncle's death… I guess I didn't realize what was real and happening at the moment… Or I didn't want to believe it… That built up on my nerves and… This is the result. Slowly, I pull myself away from Phil who didn't let go of me one second. I turn around to face him, but avoid his eyes. Like I thought, the top of his shirt is all wet, letting his tattoos appear a little more on his chest. I'm still confused about what just happened... That's not me to cry in front of people like this... And that's definitely not the Phil I know. Tell me what's wrong, Gorgeous, he says seriously, still wanting to know what got me in such a state. He never gives up...

- Everything, I answer back, my voice lightly breaking. I wipe my cheeks again as I clear my throat. To begin with, when I woke up this morning, I learned that my uncle had passed away during the night. He drove a truck from a country to another and... I explain to him, confessing the terrible news that started this awful day of mine. However, I couldn't bring myself to finish my sentence. I bring my hand over my heart and press on it as if it would take the pain away. Since the call... Just saying those words hurts just as much as saying them in my head. If not more...

- I'm sorry to hear that, he apologizes sincerely.

- Me too... Thanks... But that's not it, I thank him with a sad tone before lightly sniffling. After receiving my mom's call to tell me this awful news, I went to work today because I couldn't stay home. I needed to get my mind busy and to... Not think about the incident, I confess as I feel a new tear rolling down my cheek. My uncle and I were close, you know? He kind of raised me with my mom since my dad left her when she told him about me, I admit to the boy. I watch Phil frowning as he discovers a part of my life that I don't usually bring up. Why am I telling him all of this? It's not like he cares anyway... Does he? Anyway, to continue this unpleasant day, I had the pleasure to meet very unpleasant and rude customers all day long. Like this one call wasn't enough already... One of the customers said that they didn't want me as their waitress because I've got curves, some others telling me I was too long when in reality I just walked away from their table, a couple literally told me I gave them the wrong command and threw their drinks at me, and another one insulted me because there wasn't anymore sandwich like he wanted, I tell him all of this in just one single breath. Yet, you could hear how tired and hurt I am right now. I guess the death of my uncle adding this unnecessary crap was just too much at once. And to add more, my boss is cutting half my pay off because I accidentally broke a cup... A damn cup! Can this day get any worse? I finish to say as I look away, letting a heavy and shaky sight out as another tear rolls down my face. My hand is still over my heart as if I am protecting it all while trying to reject all negative emotions. Suddenly, two fingers softly come grabbing my chin and force me to lift my head up.

- Your boss is a dick, MC. Always have been, always will be, he tells me, the sound of those words sounding familiar. How many times did he already say this to me? I stopped counting... But I should listen, he is right. And f**k those customers. They're not happy? Tell them to go to another restaurant, he responds seriously. His deep voice sounds so calm despite the upset look he has on his face. Am I upsetting him or is he upset because of what happened to me today?

- Right, I kind of need to keep my job despite everything. But you can go tell them that, I respond with a small scoff, yet, trying to use sarcasm.

- Sure, give me names and faces and I'll find them, he replies playfully, yet a point of seriousness heard in his voice. I smile to his answer, appreciating his concern and protectiveness. Though, I never thought it would ever happen one day. Phil is... Not the last person I'd go to to talk but definitely not the first one either... Usually. I look away again and lightly sniffle. Phil wipes some of my tears away. His hands are so soft... It's weird. I've never seen you cry before, he whispers. I look back up at him, watching him slightly frowning. That's true... Not sure a lot of people saw me crying before either... Not even Jessy. I weakly nod before shrugging.

- How does it feel to watch a girl crying in front of you? I reply slightly playfully. Jessy's brother grabs something on the other side of the counter before handing it to me. Tissues... I take them from his hand, thanking him.

- It's painful. When it's you... It's different... Painful, he responds, taking his cigarette again. Oh... I wasn't waiting for an answer like this one. I was waiting for him to say "Can you just stop thinking for a moment?" Or "Stop crying over so little"... But none of that. I watch Phil blowing some smoke, making sure it doesn't go in my face.

- Is the womanizer Phillip Hawkins starting to be an emotional guy? I question him with a playful tone, cracking a smile. I think it's the first time today that I cracked a smile. A real one, I mean.

- No, he's the same dick, he answers, shaking his head left to right while chuckling. Oh... Of course. That would have been too surreal. I'm not going to lie, Phil is a good looking guy. His long hair, his tattoos looking so cool, his piercing, the way he dresses, his voice,... Just the way he is is attractive. The sound of his chuckle runs through my body.

- He admits it, I reply as I feel myself smiling more and more as the tears are coming to a stop. Prove it, I tell him with a daring tone. Phil leans against the counter, smirking.

- Wanna stay with me, tonight? At my place. The bed is comfy and big enough for us two, he proposes seriously to me, a point of flirt in his voice. I know he is being serious. I can hear it in his voice. And that look of his... I know girls don't refuse him generally. But I'm not them. And I don't want to end up in his bed just for one night and then nothing. That's not me... That's not who I am. That's not what I want. He can be incredibly good looking and just be his amazing self, I'll still refuse.

- I don't do one night stands, Phil, I remind him seriously.

- I know... He replies, a slight hidden note of his tone telling me he is disappointed. It's no secret that Phil has been liking me for a while. He has tried to ask me a few times before but I declined them all for... Obvious reasons. Let's do two then, he suddenly says, half joking, half serious.

- Phil! I exclaim as I chuckle.

- It's okay. I'll accept even three nights. Or more. I won't mind, Gorgeous, he continues to say, but I can tell he is joking this time. I softly laugh while shaking my head. There's that smile I love, he states, sounding satisfied with himself for making me smile. Honestly, Gorgeous, don't mind those idiots. Don't let them get to you, he advises me seriously as he finishes his whiskey.

- I don't usually. But I thought going to work was going to help me forget that awful news for a moment. I went there hoping to clear my head. I guess it was just too much today and I needed to break. Sorry it had to be you watching me like this, I answer and apologize to the boy as I take a sip of my drink. Ugh... It's the last time I take Whiskey... I lightly grimace and put the glass down.

- I'm not. If you ever have a bad day again and feel the need to talk, don't hesitate knocking on my door. Even if it's closed. It's always open for you, he tells me seriously and sincerely. Honestly, I haven't met that guy before... Where's the Phil I know?

- Thanks, Phil, I thank him before stepping down the stool. I step up twice and take him in my arms. The man envelops me back in a warm embrace, running softly his hand on my back. I pull my head away and place a kiss on his cheek as a thank you. And before you think of anything spicy, that kiss on the cheek is the farthest you'll ever have, I rapidly tell him, a point of warning in my voice, yet, using a playful tone.

- You're definitely killing me with kindness, MC. My poor heart pays dearly, he tells me with a frustrated tone before I watch him taking my glass of Whiskey. Oh... He winks and takes a sip from it. Oh yeah, drink that thing... I don't like it anyway. And I think he noticed it...

- Moh, maybe one of those girls coming here could put a bandage on it to heal it, I say with some sarcasm, yet, with some dislike heard into it. I always hated that those girls could "help" him... I mean, what do they have? What does he see in them? Before anything said, no, I'm not jealous... I just don't like him with other girls...

- They could. But will it be worth it? He answers while nodding before taking his cigarette and blowing so smoke away.

- You tell me. You're the one who can't resist "beautiful women", I reply to the man, stating his own words. Phil smiles and chuckles lightly to my comment.

- They can definitely help at a low point, he answers, agreeing. Right... Wait, at a low point?

- At a low point? What do you mean? I ask him with a confused tone.

- I can sleep with every woman that wants me. But, in the end, it will never mean anything like... Like when you're with me, he suddenly tells me, lowering his head lightly. His smile disappeared, showing seriousness. Did I hear him right? Did he just say those words? I stare at the man, confused and speechless. Me? Why...? Since when...? Ugh... He had a few drinks today, didn't he? Phil looks back up at me, but his eyes give a quick look at my lips.

- I'm sorry. I'm trying but... Are those words really coming from you or... Did you have any drinks before? I demand him seriously, yet, with a playful tone to keep a cool atmosphere. Arguing with him is the last thing I want. Phil cracks a smile but it doesn't stay long.

- I know I play a lot around with different girls. I know what you think of me. I'm a f**k boy. And I know I tried several times to get a night with you. But... It's not just a night that I want and you don't seem to see that, he replies, not denying who he is but also kind of reproaching me to not open my eyes about him. Well… How could I? If he doesn't tell me, I only see things the way I see them... I nod positively before looking down. Why do I feel a little sorry suddenly? I shouldn't... There's something different with you, MC. You're different. From all the others. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to dirty you. I don't want to play with you. I don't want to break you, he tells me gently and seriously. I slowly look back up at him and notice how close he is to me. Was he that close to me before? I can feel my heart beating like crazy down my chest. It's wrong... It feels right, but it's wrong. I know it...

- Phil... I gently whisper his name as I a look down again.

- I love you, MC, he interrupts me with his calm and deep voice. What...? I stare at him with wide eyes, surprised by the words I just heard. I didn't even know he knew how to say them… Especially while sounding sincere. He meant those words. I love you like I have never loved a woman before. And I'm not talking about loving the "pretty woman" that you are. No, I mean... He sighs. You're pretty. You're more than pretty. You're prettier than all of those girls and I am not talking just about the way you look. I just... Again, I hear Phil sighing. Despite the fast that he stays calm, I can sense some nervousness coming from him which is unusual. Phil is never nervous, especially around a woman. He is the exact opposite actually. He is pretty confident about himself. He talks easily, flirts easily… You're not a price I want to win or a pride to have f**ked in bed. You have this thing that the others don't have. You're special, he says with the same calm and slight nervous tone. Phil looks straight before him as he blows some smoke. Special... He noticed this little thing in me, which I didn't know I had…

- You really noticed that small thing in me? Because, honestly, I'm everything but special. I can assure you, I demand and tell him with a point of shiness. Wow... I didn't think I would have sounded so shy all of a sudden...

- I told you. I love you. And you know those words don't come out of my mouth easily. Actually, I don't think I ever said them to someone before, he replies seriously and gently before taking a last blow and putting out his cigarette. I stare at him, not really knowing how to react. I mean, of course it does make me feel something. There's... There are those butterflies flying in my belly. My heart is racing and my cheeks feel a little warm... Maybe a little more than a little, actually. I know I feel something for him. I can't deny it… But there's still things in the way...

- Honestly, I'm discovering another man right now. Why don't you show this side of yours to people? Pride? Male ego? I demand him with a small confused tone, yet curious.

- I am who I am, he simply answers.

- Mmh... Well, I like this Phil better, I answer him as I crack a smile. Phil looks at me and his serious face turns into a smiling one again.

- So, would you go out one night? Or during a lunch break? He proposes to me, hope heard in his voice. Oh... Well... I know your days are long and I work at night too so it'll be short but... He tells me gently, reminding us of our busy lives. Right, there's not a lot of moments where we can meet… But do I want to meet him like this? I mean, yes, I want to but… Do I want to get in something like this? In an uncertain relationship where I'll fear he goes to see someone else to distract himself from me? Despite this side of him, he is still Phil in the end...

- If you do this to only get me in your bed... I whisper, interrupting him. I hope it's not a plan of his to get me in his bed... That'll be the worst thing he could do... Especially as being my friend first...

- I do this to win your heart. As cheesy as it sounded... Nothing more, he tells me seriously, staring into my eyes. Speechless, I stare at him as well. For once in my life, I just want to do right. Especially with you… For you… Because of you... But it's only if you want to, he responds sincerely to me, looking serious. It's actually a little disturbing. Phil has always had respect for everyone, including me. He always respected that I didn't want a one time thing… What changed?

- I don't know, I whisper, confused by the situation. It's not that I don't want to be with him nor that I don't like him. On the contrary. I love Phil. But... There's few things in the way...

- Because of my past with women? He asks me, sounding really confused that I won't accept. I'm certainly the only woman telling him "no". Especially after a few tries.

- Yes... And because of my insecure self. Look at you and look at me. You own an amazing bar, I work as a waitress with a crappy boss. You look cool and get well and easily along with people, I look like that discreet and shy girl who is nothing more than being awkward. And you're my best friend's brother. And there's the age gap, which is the least that bothers me, I tell him everything that I thought on why I don't say "yes" to him. I mean... I think he can understand where I'm coming from. I hope... I don't want to lose a friend, in a way, just because of that...

- You're perfect the way you are, MC. Nobody will take that thought out of my mind, he states seriously. I notice how his eyes are alternating from my own to my lips. They keep going up and down. He seems eager...

- Right... You said it, not me, I say with a disbelieving tone, yet a playful one while I giggle. A small smile comes on my face which keeps growing more and more. I'm not going to lie, but hearing him saying those words do something inside me.

- And I believe it, he says while nodding. He does... I stare at him for a moment, the two of us plunge into a deep silence. It's not awkward... It's intense, but not awkward. I'm just so not confident with myself. What if he is playing me? And what if he is not? Ugh… I should let go sometimes... Really... I could open doors I didn't even think I had the key of.

- Tomorrow. Meet me for lunch if you're free. We can start there to see how it goes, I propose to the man which, I notice, makes him smile instantly.

- Is it a date? He asks with a smirk. Well...

- I'm not sure... Maybe... We'll see, I reply unsure, yet, smirking back at him. Yes, I'm entering his game easily... Was it right? Though, we could hear this point of shyness in my voice.

- Will I get to finally kiss you? He then asks, slowly getting even more closer to me. Oh... I can feel my heart racing a little more, hearing it beat in my ears. He's making me so nervous… Kiss me… Is that all he wants?

- Phil... I whisper his name, annoyed, as I lightly title my head on the side.

- What? I showed you a part of me, doesn't mean the other one is gone, he answers with a not so innocent tone, still smirking at me. I keep staring at him a little annoyed despite the amused smile on my face. Alright, just lunch, he says, agreeing. I nod back positively. And a hug? He rapidly asks.

- A hug? I ask, surprised and confused. Phil winks at me. I can see he is waiting for an actual answer. Oh well... Sure. Whatever. I've got to go home. It's getting late, I agree before standing up from the stool. I didn't think but, when I stood up, my face got so close to his. At this moment, when my eyes met his, it was as if the time had stopped for a second. Slow motion. It was like I couldn't remember what reality looked like. I feel my cheeks starting to burn before I look down to hide my certainly blushing face from him. Why did I have to happen to have a crush on him? Why him? Why does he make me feel this way? I clear my throat quietly and start walking towards the door.

- Be careful on your way home. Tell me once you're there, he tells me as he follows me behind.

- I will, I reply. I was about to open the door when his hand grabbed the handle first. My fingers brushed his. I retrieve my hand and let him open the door for me. Still with my cheek lightly burning from previously, I manage to cross sight with his eyes and smile at him. Thanks for the night, the drink, holding me when I cried, and for listening to me, Phil, I thank him sincerely as I weakly nod to the man.

- You're very welcome, Gorgeous, he responds with his deep and calm voice while smiling back at him. That damn smile... Goodnight, MC, he wishes me softly.

- Goodnight, Phil, I wish him back. The two of us exchange one last look and smile before I walk out of his bar. I put my hands in my pockets and walk home.

I'm not sure what exactly happened there... I went to the bar to have a drink to relax and take my mind off and I ended up with Phil holding me when I broke down and accepting to have lunch together. Will it be a date? Will it actually go somewhere? Was he being serious? So many questions burning my mind... I will see how tomorrow goes. I'll have so much to do tomorrow, anyway... Mom is certainly going to call me for the funerals, my work is going to be tiring as always, and the lunch with Phil... I wonder what Jessy will say if she knew that her brother and I are going on a... Lunch? Date? Whatever it's called... Will she be okay with... What we're doing? Will she mind if I go out with her brother? Ugh, why do I already think of things like this? I'm not there yet... Anyway... I think I just need some sleep right now, nothing more. If I manage to actually fall asleep once I'll be home and in my bed… It promises to be a long night...

#duskwood #duskwood phil #duskwood jake #duskwood jessy #phil hawkins #duskwood richy #duskwood hannah #duskwood cleo #duskwood thomas #duskwood dan #duskwood fanfiction #duskwood app #iamjake #phil x mc #duskwood mc #multifandom #multifandomedit #edit #duskwood game

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absurdthirst · 3 years ago

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I need to vent and since it seems like you've become like... Tumblr mom to so many, I feel safe venting here

I'd vent to people in my real life if I didn't think they were tired of hearing about it, but my grieving process has not been easy in the slightest so I'm sure they're all over hearing about it by now.

I lost my childhood pet on January 7th of this year. She was my baby, she grew up with me, and I like to think she purposefully held on just long enough to see me turn 21. She was a cat, I know that a lot of people think it's dramatic or weird that I was so attached to her, but I've lived with chronic illnesses my entire life and mental illness on top of it and she was always there. Every single day for 18 years. My mom has pictures of her sleeping in my bed when I was a little kid because she would sneak in during naptime to be with me, and for a solid ten years she slept in my bed with me every single night.

The realization that it's my first holiday season without her, at least as far back as I can remember, hurts my heart and I'm realizing I never fully processed how traumatic her death was. I went to therapy the day she died and while she was frail and declining and I knew that, I didn't expect to come home from therapy and realize she'd lost mobility in her back legs.

I still feel such intense guilt even though she was 18 years old and we gave her the happiest life we could. I feel like if I'd caught it all sooner she would still be here, even though she threw a clot and the vet told me she was just old and it happens. I remember being so fucking desperate that I asked if they could just take off the leg where the clot had gotten lodged, but they told me they couldn't. She wouldn't be able to handle being put under, and I had to be the one to make the call to let her go. While rationally I know it was the right call and she wouldn't have gotten better, that 'but what if' feeling has never gone away. I just feel so shitty, I miss my girl and I needed to let it out.

On a happier note, I found my little boy Finn in April of this year and he reminds me of my girl in so many ways. He's helped heal that really painful part of me that still misses Jasmine, but lately it's been tougher than usual.

Thank you for leaving your inbox open to all of us and our emotional vomiting, it really is helpful

I am so sorry hun. I know that it's so very hard when you lose a pet. They are so much more than pets, they are a integral part of your family. They prove love and comfort, all so innocent and accepting of you.

You did everything you could and while I know that it's a cold comfort, you kept your girl from suffering.

My mother's dachshund was nearly 22 years old when she was put down. Molly had been with us since I was in school, she slept on my pregnant belly with my son. The day she crossed over the rainbow bridge, my mother and I sat on the phone and cried. She was deaf and blind, but my mother couldn't let her suffer.

You will still miss her for a very long time. I have a dog, Lady, that I still miss and she passed when I was 16. I am sending you a hug honey!!!

#real talk #pet loss #pet death

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hunkledunk · 2 years ago

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Oh good lord. Here goes I guess...

Name? I'd rather not say, I'm sure you understand. I WILL say I was named after a star wars actor though =3

Pronouns/gender? He/Him, and I'm cis. I've questioned my gender a looooot though (RIP r/egg_irl) and I've been thinking a lot recently about presenting a lot more femme with earrings and a skirt and such. I don't think I'll be transitioning any time soon but idk, anything is possible.

Sexuality? I can feel attracted to anyone femme presenting, really. cis or trans girls of any sort, femboys too. I'm not too hung up on labels myself and I haven't given it much thought tbh. I will say the only "masc" person I've been attracted to is, inexplicably, jack black. The tik tok videos. You know the ones.

Country? Scotland!

Top 5 fandoms? Pokemon is an easy choice, was a megafan growing up and still have a lot of fondness for the community. I love a lot of the fan art for both Deltarune and Omori in particular, that only leaves binding of isaac and smash bros.

Most forbidden snack? My own fingernails... -_-

Would I pet a bug? It'll consider itself lucky if I can get it out of my house safely, that is all. Maybe a ladybug on a good day.

Weird fact/story? I lived on a country road sandwiched between two farms as a kid. During that time a sheep on one of the farms died, leaving behind two lambs. The farmer asked our family to care for them until they were old enough to be let back into the fields on their own, so for a good half year we kept two baby lambs, one black and one white, in a dilapidated caravan in our back garden. (I do not have pictures... Digital cameras were just barely a thing)

What does the colour blue taste like? bro what blue. trick question. next.

Most beautiful thing I've seen? The moon. I don't need glasses but my vision gets blurry about two meters out without them. Seeing the moon properly, craters and shadows and texture and all, up there in a blank sky impossibly far away just does something to me. The universe is truly beautiful.

Stupidest thing I've ever done? This might sound silly but it's actually one of my most distressing recurring intrusive thoughts... When I was about 12 or so I was at a party and we were all celebrating something, I forget what, and I decide to try and PICK UP another kid on my SHOULDERS. Guys I have NEVER been strong. I put my head between his legs and basically just power bomb this poor kid, cracking his head on the hardwood ground. Miraculously, he wasn't seriously hurt and after the shock died off he didn't blame me at all but holy fuck guys... That memory is going to be the last thing I see before I die.

Stupidest thing I've seen someone else do? Knew a kid in high school who thought sugar was only in minecraft. lmao.

Hyperfixation song? Too many to count. The boys are back in town (to kill you) and Redesign your logo come to mind. Murders by Miracle Musical runs a close third for being eerily applicable to Omori, one of my top 5 fav games.

Any meaning behind profile pic/name? Nope. Mattyburitto animations slap and I came up with this name mashing sounds together in my head. I could never come up with an interesting name for myself that I actually like.

Dream career as a kid? game dev. duh. I went to college for software development but kinda lost the spark towards the end =(

Dream career as an adult? Anything fulfilling, I'm not picky. I will say being an instructor at like, a kids outdoor adventure group sounds like a lot of fun.

Thoughts on cilantro? Not huge on leafy greens as a general rule, cilantro is especially bad. Why is it minty???

Ever been banned from a location? Nope. I'm no troublemaker.

What is your cursed food combo? I don't do it much anymore, but buttered toast with crunchy peanut butter on top was my THING as a kid.

Trans rights? TRANS RIGHTS

I couldn't identify ten other r/196 residents with a gun to my head... I'll call on @wolfenchant, @reyna-daisuki, @unhinged-popsocket, @transgeneth, and @hatch-backward

Good luck everyone! this was fun.

“I just came from r/196” ask game

Saw another post. I think I should invite y'all to one of our longstanding traditions. Answer the questions then tag 10 (or more) people. I'll go first.

Name? Frankie

Pronouns and gender? he/they/it, transmasc

Sexuality? Lesbian

Country? USA

Top 5 fandoms? Bungou Stray Dogs, Cosmere, All for the Game, Fundiesnark (not a series but I'm too deep in it to not consider it a fandom), .....the tornado fandom? (they're my special interest)

What is your Most forbidden snack? The preserved bones at the Atlanta Bodies Exhibition. They looked so crunchy...

Would you pet a bug? If it's big enough, it is pettable.

Share a weird fact/story about yourself with the class. I like to drive around rural areas and photograph old, sometimes abandoned locations in the dead of night. I have been literally chased out of towns by foot and by car on two separate occasions. The second time this happened, "See You Again" by Miley Cyrus came up on shuffle and that's the soundtrack my friend and I tore out of town to. Also every "guy" I've dated except for my most recent ex (who has big egg energy) is a lesbian now.

What does the color blue taste like? Creme brulee

What is the most beautiful thing you've ever seen? The appalachian mountains of Tennessee in the middle of summer. There's kudzu everywhere. On the backroads, there were several old, dilapidated Baptist churches barely hanging to the side of the mountain. I wonder how many of them were still in use.

What is the stupidest thing you've ever done? Short version: my friend's house almost got broken into by this dude who'd been stalking us for months while we were home alone. Instead of calling the cops, we decided to confront him with a bow and arrow (me), a hatchet, and a baseball bat (him). The plan was that if it went badly, we would simply throw his corpse into one of the many lakes in the neighborhood and let the alligators eat his remains (this was Florida). Why? Because we were afraid of having our home-alone privileges revoked. Luckily for us all, the guy fucked off and we never saw him again.

Stupidest thing you've seen/heard someone else do/say? My ex thought that Jackalopes were real. Also, a nurse I was doing rotations with apparently thought that "Witness Protection" was for Jehovah's Witnesses.

Hyperfixation song? Young Enough + Bleach by Charly Bliss

Is there any meaning behind your profile picture and/or username? Profile pic; I'm transmasc and I'm currently obsessed with TriStamp. Username; It was my fake internet name when I was like 13. I won't change it because I want my mutuals to recognize me, and because I do have a viral post associated with this name.

Dream career as a child? Doctor (funnily enough I'm now in nursing school)

Dream career as an adult? Professional Jester. Not a comedian. I just want to be some weird little guy who dresses silly and you can hire me to roast your boss at work parties.

Thoughts on cilantro? Delicious

Have you ever been banned from a location and if so, why? I honestly can't remember? Probably... but in recent memory I've mainly banned people from places.

What is your cursed food combination? Pineapple on a hotdog with grilled onions. It Slaps.

Trans rights? TRANS RIGHTS

Tagging: @rocket-mankoi @mostlymarco @atleast8courics @jazzlike39 @gemsweater72 @limbobilbo @ameliaaltare @redcrane112 @theoneofwhomisblue @twinkenjoyer @theultimatecarp and anyone else who wants to jump on

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behind-the-hood · 4 years ago

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Hey babes, been a while, huh? So, I've been thinking about how I want to get back into the flow of things, and with that came my update on what all's been going on. And it's a lot. So I'm going to hit the big points and my pets, because they are my babies ❤

So, I got divorced, which was great. He's stolen my half of our last tax return he was required by our divorce agreement to give to me, and kept my stimulus checks, which is not great, and I will be taking him to court when my lawyer says the system isn't as slow as a snail on glue.

I've got myself a new boyfriend. He's...the best thing ever ❤ I don't wanna get too mushy on you guys, but imma marry that man ❤ We've been together for over a year now, and in that time we actually lost his mom...and that one still hurts me. She...didn't die in a pleasant way, and I hate that she won't get to see us get married or see her first grandbaby or any of the things she was so excited to see and do...😞

On a less depressing note, I got a lot of new pets. I got a job at the vet, and day four into my job, a couple of big ol' king shepherds came in; they were strays. (I theorize they came from a puppy mill.) Anyway, I adopted the female, and the male was sent to a shelter for german shepherds. Korra, that's what I named her, started getting fat not too long into my owning her. Or so I thought. A couple months later, I went from owning one dog to owning eleven. She had been pregnant and we were in major denial, lol. Anyway, the birth went well, all the babies were healthy, even the runt was doing good at first. She didn't end up making it, she was half the size of the others and some time into the second day, she stopped eating. Korra was sad when her baby died, but after about ten minutes of leaning over the runt protectively, she let me take her. I don't know if her instincts said it was best for the other puppies or what, but she eventually let it happen. After the eight weeks were up, and with the help of my childhood friend, we got all the puppies new homes. I kept one, named him Mikey. She and her parents kept a couple. She named her puppy Fonzie, and her parents named theirs Butch. All three get to go to the park on Sundays and play together. Korra doesn't go too often because she's protective of Mikey and we're working on that, but for now, she's too aggressive and by no means a small dog, so baby steps.

Edit: Captain passed away in November. It was particularly upsetting to me because he was sick before I left for Arizona for a few weeks, and I wasn't going to go if I thought he wasn't going to make it, but everyone insisted he'd be okay and that I should go. He didn't make it, and I hate that I didn't get to say goodbye...but he passed in his sleep at the vet, and he was on medication that kept most of his pain at bay...and that's probably all I could ask for...because they had called the day before asking if we wanted to have him put down, and we never got to make that decision...I feel like it was better that way...it always hurts more to have to put them down...Edit over.

My boyfriend and I also got a kitten. It's cute; he's never really had a pet of his own before and he's super excited about it. I wish I could describe to you the wonder and amazement on his face when he saw Victor use his litter box for the first time 😂 He just picked right up on it, and my boyfriend was so proud 🥰How we came about getting Victor is a little bit more depressing. Or stressful. I don't know; I'll tell you what happened and you can decided. His mom had a few cats, and Big Girl was pregnant. She had four little babies, one of them being Victor. I kept making jokes about wanting to keep him, but my boyfriend and mom were both adamant that I had more than enough pets--which is fair because I do, lol--anyway, they were hitting about seven or eight weeks old when my boyfriend and I were leaving one morning. He was taking me home before he went to work. He turned on the car and we heard a blood curdling screech from in the hood. I panicked and got out just in time to see a kitten run out from under the car dragging its front paw and trying to get away. I caught him and started panicking and crying because his paw was bleeding and I could see bone and I was just in a frenzie. My boyfriend had to get to work though--sometimes his work ethics are cute, sometimes they are frustrating 🙃--so I called my mom on the way to my house and told her what all had transpired and to have a crate ready because we were going to the vet. She called the vet to let them know ahead of time and when we got there, Victor was immediately taken back and examined. Long story short, the belt in the car had cut through two of his finger bones but the rest of the cut was superficial. They decided he would need surgery and sutures. We agreed, we paid, we prayed he lived through the surgery, and then we waited. Good news is that Sweet Baby lived, he barely had a limp despite almost losing his paw, he hated his sutures, and now he runs around and plays with Theo like nothing ever happened, lol. And my boyfriend just adores Victor, and it's very cute 🥰

Anyway, I couldn't stay at the vet because I kept getting sick and breaking out in hives and, turns out, I'm allergic to nearly everything under the sun except for foods and lizards 🙃 I decided to go into real estate like my mom instead, and I just finished up all my classes and am ready to go into the thick of it!! Wish me luck in that endeavor 😁👍

So anyway, I can't think of anything else at the moment. That's my life update--Oh! I got covid from my mom. My quarantine ended literally two days ago, but I only had a cough. That being said, I've been suffering from a sinus infection for well over a month now, and got my period in the middle of it all, so that was awful 🙃 But! All of this is to tell you that I'm hoping to get back into my writing soon, and can present you guys with all the things I never got to finish or would totally love to start!! 😁

There's no set date on when I think I'll have anything ready, but I'm hoping over the next month or so, I can put out the third part of the Papa Makedon series out. I also hope over the course of the week I can start looking at all the asks I'm sure tumblr never told me I had 🙃

Love you, babes!! I hope you all have kept safe and healthy, and I hope to get back with you soon 😁🤙

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Here's my sweet girl Korra with all her babies. I believe they were about a couple days old at that point.

And here's my Mikey, as a wee one and as a big boy ❤ He's turning one on August 3rd you guys~ 🥰

And here's little Victor (please excuse the food on his nose, I thought it was adorable, lol. I've just mostly got videos of him, and not too many pictures 😅)

#i feel like everything that needed said was said above #but i like to abuse tags sooooo #heres some pictures of my babies 😁#enjoy ❤#life update #bhndthhd

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