#so manage your expectations
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here's a jegulily snippet from my new fic:
"You don't know me, so stop acting like you do."
"You think I don't know you by now?" James looked up at him, his expression was distant.
"What do you know about me, Potter?" Regulus turned away from him. He looked at his bedside table. Scribbled notes from his friends were pinned to the wall. There was a family picture in a little frame, perfect Potter's parents, his mother touching his hair, his father smiling. Radiating ease. Radiating love. Of course he kept his family at his bedside. Was there any part of his life that wasn't perfect other than Regulus? Him and his misery casting his dark shadow in a world of nothing but light. Next to it there was a little polaroid of him holding Lily in the sun, both of them laughing and staring into each other's eyes. A messy girlish scrawl on the bottom: Summer '76. Regulus picked up the polaroid, such a flimsy little thing, between two of his long fingers. He held it like a playing card.
"Regulus..." James sighed and covered his face with his hands like he was very very tired.
"Why do you keep this here? Just to torture yourself?" James grasped for the picture and Regulus moved it just out of his reach. "No. Look at her."
"I look at her everyday," he complained. Exhaustion in his bones.
"Look at her, and look at me." Regulus held the picture up beside his face, like Lily was looking right past James, right at him. She saw him everyday in the corridors. Did she suspect? Would she ever know about this? "You can't just have one, can you? You want both." James stared at him, silent as a stone. He wanted this conversation to be over. Too bad. "This is the kind of greed they say is sinful in the bible."
"Are you going to tell me to break up with her again?" Regulus sat cross-legged on the floor at James' feet and traced a fingertip over Lily's pretty, elfin face. Her upturned nose, her red eyelashes. She was everything he was not. How could James stand it? He'd felt the intensity of his hunger for him, for his body, all of its sharp edges, muscle and bone. How could he reach into the softness, the sweetness, of this woman when she was so different from what he truly desired?
"You don't deserve her. You deserve me. It's a bit unfair, isn't it?"
"You think you deserve me?" His incredulity was probably supposed to be insulting. Regulus didn't see it that way.
"No, but you deserve me. I treat you exactly the way I think you deserve to be treated, Potter."
"You're a terrible person."
"So are you." Regulus touched the picture of Lily again, then kissed her pretty face. A gentle kiss, one James had never gotten.
#jegulily#toxic jegulily polycule from hell#my fanfiction#cheating#fic: icarian#morally grey characters#james potter x regulus black x lily evans#james potter#regulus black#lily evans#jegulily smut#cheating fic#cheating is resolved with polyamory but none of them know what polyamory is because it's the 1970's#and they're also the worst people alive#regulus in particular is a complete POS#his internal monologue is basically supervillain laughter while he destroys james' life#disclaimer: as always my fics are about abuse not romance#so manage your expectations
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the barista lady in the treviso café fucking giggles every time you buy the fancy coffee lucanis likes from her btw. can't believe the game is calling out rook and me like this
#I've tried it several times to check it wasn't a fluke and nope it does happen consistently I'm pretty sure it's intentional#bioware Know. they knowwww. they know exactly what I'm like and god bless them for it#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age spoilers#lucanis dellamorte#rook x lucanis#rookanis#café pietra barista gazing kindly at rye like 'I know what you are.' (a simp) while the tips of his ears go very very warm#clearly some sort of underlying drift compatability here since rook in one night can somehow manage to hit on all two (2)#of the elements of lucanis' instinctive understanding of courtship behaviour (knives and coffee/food) hfksjdfhas#in lucanis' defense when a guy buys you knives AND good coffee (despite not even drinking the stuff much himself) on a first date...#when your love language is that unhinged and they straight up compose a shakespeare level sonnet in it on the spot#seemingly without even realizing it. I mean what else can you be expected to do but fall so cataclysmically in love#that you'd kill god over it any day of the week easy. wild stuff#even wilder since in my playthrough he isn't entirely sure rye meant anything by it/as more than a friendly gesture#for like. MONTHS.#lucanis is a regular at that place and they all for sure know exactly who he is so can you IMAGINE the gossip that must start#after that conversation starts to take on a flirty edge. hotboi crown prince of the crows returns from the dead and is making eyes#at ~*mysterious stranger*~ who just showed up in town. some I hear netherfield park is let at last stuff going on for these guys#as they watch all of this go down
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It feels like a lot of the ppl who are asking you to trigger tag the derealization stuff r probably the same people to ask for trigger tags on self harm scars. Like yeah mayb some ppl might be triggered by them but it's also a very real part of someone's body (+life) that they r always living with. And it's weird to ask someone to trigger tag that??? Like what a fucked up thing to say to someone? No you can't have your arms uncovered in your own space because it makes me upset to see that part of you/no you can't make a mild vent post on your own blog because it makes me upset to see that part of your life?? The unfollow/block button is right there goddam. Just walk out you can leave and all that. Anyway ur post really resonated with me and I'm so sorry for all the hate you got over it
YEAH people treating any kind of scarring as some sort of taboo subject is also really annoying to me.. Putting effort into any art starts to not feel worth it when people expect to like. Take everything they want from you while ignoring whatever they don't want to 'deal with'.... very very disheartening to be expected to be quiet about normal parts of my life while. also pouring all my time into making art for other's enjoyment . Like an internet jester
-neway ! Glad my post helped a little at least- it was nice to see others relate to it, so whatever weird discourse it sparked is worth dealing with if it comforted anyone 👍
#mailbox#it's a weird side effect of the expectation that everyone neatly partition‚ label‚ and micro-manage every part of their personality -#to present the most palatable 'persona' possible#to the extent that someone being honest about their lives- including the 'negative' parts#is seen as breaking some sort of unspoken agreement to be quiet about [x problem] so that nobody has to ''deal with it''#and it gets justified as like. it somehow being 'toxic' to acknowledge parts of your life‚ lest it make someone uncomfortable#some of these things. really make me question what exactly people are getting out of tumblr at all
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Unexpected feelings received from my lady jane. When Jane tells Guildford that there's no cure to Ethianism and there shouldn't be because there's nothing wrong with him and she wants everyone else in England to see that and has the power to "heal England" but Guildford responds with "Fuck England. Heal me!" As someone who struggles with chronic pain and internalized ableism, that really got me. Like there's stuff happening to me that takes me away from the life that I would ideally like to live and there's nothing I can do to change it but the desperation and grief and rage is so fucking real...I just didn't expect those feelings from a fantasy regency tudor rom com.
#guildford dudley#jane grey#my lady jane#internalized ableism#ethianism isn't an affliction clearly in the show but for guildford it specifically limits his quality of life in a very physical way#he literally is stuck as a horse for most of the day#unlike all the other ethians#who deal with more of the socioeconomic limitations of being ethian#didnt expect to kin a rich white man but as someone who's daily life has been limited due my mental/physical disability it hit#the sinking realization that your pain can only be managed and not cured is so fucked yall lol
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act i scene i: older, childless, bachelor Barbarian!Bakugo finds you six months pregnant hiding in an empty stable during one of his clan raids--and instead of slaughtering you as a much younger him might've done...he throws you onto his cart of treasures and decides to take you home so he can start the family he never had with you and your child as his bride and baby.
#bakugo#i actually wrote a bunch out for this but i dont like it and it's too long so here you go#if i work on it some more tonight ill reblob this with it#but for now heres the premise (it's dark srry):#sh*t gets weird ofc#im imagining you got preggo at the last raid you went through but managed to survive#so it's not like you want the child anyway#and when he raids your village like lowk you dont care bc it isnt your home . plus youre not even expecting to survive#since you have no husband and are incapacitated with baby#so youre just waiting to die essentially but then this sexy barbarian saves you thinking hes being ... nice#bakugo is like. well now is a good time as any since idf like anyone in my village#and youre just like dam this sucks#anyway LMFAOOOOOO then youre in his house having this baby and the whole town is invested in this tea#and not only does bakugo have to win you over ... he has to convince u life is worth living#and that he's really gonna be the dad to your baby#you try running away after giving birth and ofc u cant do it and he has to rescue you#and youre so upset#but he washes you up and scolds you in his tongue for being stupid#and hes not gonna keep u forever if its not what u want but#he really does want the baby and you if youll have him#and everyone is rooting for him and likes u so much#even tho ur like a feral mama cat#jfalsdjkfladksjf#gen#shii posts#pregnancy tw
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Me reading the description of episode 30: oh, that's fine! that's not so bad! i can deal with that!
Me after listening to episode 30:
#reaction pic by @kalo-pop#so how are we dealing folks.#there is. so much. so many bad decisions.#colin for one is fucked. alice girl you're about to have soooo much guilt added on to you#teddy might not be doing too hot either so with sam that's 3 people that are going to weigh on your conscience!#most importantly though. gwen and lana. *that* was the scariest part of the episode.#gwen has just doomed them all i fear (even more than they already were)#i knew celia was up to something but i was still SHOCKED like oh my god girl you really were not going to hesitate#im *sure* we're going to hear from sam again. i'm sure. i'm just... not sure if it will actually be sam.#or if it will be all him if you get my drift#all in all a great finale! we got to the hole in the universe faster than i expected#but i guess it just feels like that bc im a tma veteran#it was much more manageable than tma's s1 finale at least lmao. i *could not* handle the worm sounds#... oh man what am i going to do on thursdays now???#we do still have the epilogue and bonus content coming but then???#it will be a barren few months#the magnus protocol#tmagp#tmagp spoilers#tmagp 30
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What's the Wardi cultural take on Akoshos sleeping with/partnering with/marrying other Akoshos?
It's not highly regulated to a degree that there are overwhelming cultural norms about it. There's a lot of societal focus on akoshos being theoretically suitable sexual partners for both men and women due to being dual-gendered, but not to an extent that relationships with One Another are stigmatized.
They also largely get to escape from the most severe concerns about penetrator/penetrated power dynamics because they're not regarded as Men (they're regarded as dual-gendered, and they're a female social class on every practical level), there's no status of manhood to Lose by receiving sexual penetration. The only real thing you see in that department is people assuming that one acts as 'the man' and one acts as 'the woman', but this is largely due to preoccupation with a notion of sex being Penetration With A Penis (and that Penetration With A Penis means that one person is in a Man's Role and one person is in a Woman's Role). But this will not be regarded as unnatural as in same-gender male relations, akoshos will Have to take up a position in this sexual dichotomy if they want to have Real Sex (Penetration With A Penis) with each other, and this is not unnatural and doesn't involve gaining or losing status since they are simultaneously male and female, not men.
So like you might see individual culture critics finding stuff to nitpick about it as their annoyance of the week or a singular Guy here or there who thinks it's weird, but this isn't a widespread norm. The vast majority of people don't give a shit about akoshos having sex with each other. The worst thing you're likely to experience Solely by virtue of being in an akoshos-akoshos relationship is someone asking you (probably with genuine curiosity) which one does the man stuff and which one does the woman stuff.
Akoshos also don't experience Hard expectations for marriage (though there are societal pressures that make marriage an attractive safety net all the same, ESPECIALLY marriage to a man) so unofficial life-partnerships between akoshos are pretty much the Only same gender partnerships between unwed people that are going to go unquestioned. ((Sworn brotherhood is technically a same gender life partnership for men that is Functionally similar to marriage (in that it's a kin-making practice between unrelated adults), but the tradition is Built upon the assumption that both parties will be married to women and that a primary goal of this kinship is to provide security for both parties' wives and children)). Marriage obligations in general are more lax in the economically secure but not Wealthy lower mercantile classes (as obligations to support and perpetuate one's family are universal, but these obligations can be filled simply by having at least One son who can get hitched, and marriages in the lower classes have no political functions and therefore there's less reason to ensure All your children are wed (there's still incentives like dowry, but this is not desperately needed when a family is economically secure)). So akoshos in this class group tend to have a Lot more freedom in terms of their life arrangements and chosen partners (though still experience the limiting frameworks of structural misogyny in other capacities).
The only thing that is out of the picture is akoshos/akoshos marriage. Marriage in this society has a predominantly reproductive function, the concept of reproductively non-viable marriages is generally considered absurd. This is not JUST this culture's form of homophobia, as marriage is a very practical arrangement at its core - both in a reproductive capacity and as bedrock for the patriarchal blood-kinship family system that forms the core social unit. The idea of same gender marriage isn't just absurd because 'ewwww weird' it's like, that Cannot work within this system, it Cannot fill core functions of what a marriage intends to do here, the ways on which marriage and kinship are BUILT makes same gender marriage practically (rather than just socially) untenable.
The sole exception to the 'marriage = reproductively viable" rule is that akoshos can be married to men (which in practice is almost always as a remarriage after a man has secured At Least an heir). This has a Little bit of internal logic here in that they perform predominantly female social roles (thus are suited to being a wife, even if they can't bear children) (and also on practical levels of them having the same legal status as women) but it's really more of a 'this is just how it's always been' kind of thing. A lot of the older pre-Wardi identity dual-gender roles that got mashed together under the 'akoshos' name would have involved marriage to a man as a second wife/concubine, in addition to his primary wife who would bear his children. Men potentially having multiple spouses has not been retained as a cultural practice, but the notion that an akoshos Can be a wife to a man has survived into modern day legal and doctrinal practices around marriage.
So like this being said, marriage as it is legally defined is only between a man and a woman, a man and an akoshos, or a woman and an akoshos. In practice the latter two are comparatively VERY rare- a man/akoshos marriage cannot provide children (though an akoshos can practically fulfill all other obligations and duties of a wife), a woman/akoshos marriage Can provide children (and while akoshos cannot function as a male heir, these children Will take their akoshos-parent's family name (though the wife retains her father's family name)), but akoshos are legally grouped with women in terms of rights and privileges (including being permanently under legal domain of their father unless they have been legally handed off to a male husband) and Cannot provide hard power patriarchal support that this family system is built upon and therefore depends upon, which makes these marriages socio-economically insecure. They can obviously still be a good partner and parent, but this is not the same as having the Legal hard power of a patriarch.
Akoshos marrying each other would be reproductively and socially nonviable, and is treated as a similarly absurd concept to a man marrying a man or a woman marrying a woman. It's just not a part of the marriage and kinship framework, it's not a thing that you can Do.
#Akoshos are also probably like.... 1-2% of the population. Like its an Accepted gendered space but not a large one so it's less#'managed' in a lot of senses#It's actually kind of hard to 'access' the akoshos space to begin with. Like parents look for Signs In Early Childhood and most#akoshos are typically assigned their gender early.#If you don't manage to access this space there's a good chance of being Stuck as a man with any deviance from your expected#gender roles being the HIGHLY unaccepted 'male effeminacy' which is a VERY different concept than (though obviously has tensions With)#being akoshos. A lot of akoshos self-label as adults after losing support from their families in part for being '''effeminate men'''#(this is also kind of the only instance in which gender self-identification occurs on a basis that will be Broadly accepted. Though#this happens in the context of already being detached from one's familial support network and people not knowing you self-assigned)#There are also certainly Some cases where akoshos self-identify as adults and this is accepted by their fathers. For a variety#of reasons but unfortunately often it's going to be like-#'we must have missed something but whatever. glad our kid is actually supposed to be this way and isn't just effeminate'#Also much less likely to be accepted if they're an expected male heir without brothers to take up the role in their stead#And VERY unlikely in upper classes where family members are public figures. If you've been introduced as a man here you're probably#out of luck.#(Like you'll see accusations that adult-assigned akoshos are just pretending in order to disguise being male effeminates)#This position isn't freedom from gender norms or like. The equivalent of an accepted trans identity. It's its own assigned gender#space in an Expanded but strict binary with expanded but strict roles#Also the societal trends over centuries are showing signs of increasing collapse between the notions of 'effeminate man' (bad)#and 'akoshos' (normal). At this point the concepts are still very separate but the current societal trajectory is leaning towards the#akoshos role being phased out of its normalization (in tandem with Wardi culture becoming more intensely patriarchal with#the collapse of Wardi groups into one identity)#Like 600 years ago there was NOT a concept of 'effeminate man' and proto-akoshos roles were a#more central concept that enveloped divergences from expected masculinity. Whereas now the akoshos space is significantly narrower#and the concept of 'effeminate man' exists in tandem as a stigmatized descriptor. And things have gotten to the point of#people claiming that ''effeminate men'' will 'pretend' to be akoshos#The akoshos identity becoming stigmatized/phased out isn't inevitable but the tensions around it are definitely growing#Though there's also a sense that Peak Patriarchy has been hit and you're starting to see people pushing back at these norms in fairly#notable ways. There's not going to be like. A feminist revolution but civilian women getting more political freedoms (while the overall#context stays patriarchal) is a likely outcome which could also have side benefits of relaxing masculinity standards Somewhat
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yea so...... there's going to be a part 2 to nobody else
Dean fucked him like he wanted to fill him up so much the trash inside just leaked through his pores. Like he was righting all the wrongs. The thing is, Sam is wrong to his very foundation. Far deep in his cells, molecules, down to his atoms.
He cannot be fixed.
What he can do is look for redemption.
#this is all your guys fault just so you know#im not immune to compliments lol#i dont know when ill finish this but i got the concept for it i think i can make it work#but i want to finish some things up first#you guys know sequels always drop in quality so lets manage expectations#me @ myself#wincest#fics
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i lied. put your clothes back on. we're going to talk about how just because a piece of media doesn't give you your hyper-specific wants exactly how you want them exactly when you want them doesn't mean it's a bad piece of media
#agatha all along#agatha all along spoilers#disliking stuff is allowed duh#but manage your expectations damn#one is a super villain lol#the other is literally death#somehow someway it was gonna end sad for them#kissing death = dying is a trope as old as time#so what did y'all think was gonna happen?#y'all cry for authentic queer characters and then cry when those characters are actually authentic#as if an authentic human experience isn't full of sadness guilt rage desire pride and denial#but if the queers aren't uwu all the time y'all get pissed#that's why we often get stuck with caricatures for rep#i'm not talking to like YOU ALL specifically#if the shoe doesn't fit don't wear it
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I love how Brennan as a DM was all "Riz, you need more than good grades. You need to stand out. You need showstopping extracurriculars." and to Kristen he was all, "I'm going to throw the weight of an entire religion at you, make you relive your family trauma through your brother and give you relationship issues."
Yet, SOMEHOW, when Brennan introduced little miss four dogs, the driven type A rogue, and had her run for president, setting up the perfect foil for Riz's character and an amazing extracurricular for Riz to aim for in one fell swoop, THE ENTIRE PARTY WENT "KRISTEN 4 PREZ!!!! SHRIMP PARTY 2.0!!!"
Don't get me wrong, I love that Ally went for the fucking throat on vibes alone. Like, that was truly loathing at first sight and I love that for them, I really do.
BUT ALSO THAT WAS RIZ'S PLOTLINE KRISTEN. YOU HAVE LIKE THREE PLOTLINES KRISTEN. WHY ARE YOU ADDING MORE TO YOUR PLATE KRISTEN.
#i do love that the entire party without a thought went 'Kristen kill this bitch. politically. then physically'#and riz without a fucking second thought assigned himself as kristens campaign manager#they are so ride or die and i love it#rip Brennan trying to get the plot back of track by having Jawbone be like 'hey Riz dontcha think maybe shes EXACTLY like you?!'#and riz was all 'What? im too busy making buttons and spying to read between your lines. i got tryouts in four minutes'#anyway#wild#im expecting riz to declare that the rat muncher cleric is his nemesis now. just from vibes alone.#riz and kristen just swap enemies for no fucking reason. queer solidarity tbh. love that for them#fantasy high#fantasy high junior year#riz gukgak#kristen applebees#brennan lee mulligan
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the thrilling sequel to gale killing himself is right ending actually: why doesn't wyll enjoy being treated like a dog by a sexy demon lady
#fits in nicely with the funnai joke in the christmas special too so get the hell out of here with the it's satire excuse#i expect nothing and they still manage to find new ways to disappoint me it's truly amazing lol#no wonder they stick mizora at your camp without a way to get rid of her#this is lae + wyll's writer just for context#ch: wyll ravengard#vg: baldur's gate 3#series: baldur's gate#text: personal#larian critical#bg3 critical
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i’m feeling messy. for the new ask game, 5 :)
for the choose violence ask game!
5. worst discord server and why
of COURSE you would choose to be this messy, you lil rat. <3 i will be kind enough to not name the server, it's a general Batfamily server i found on Disboard. most Bafam discord servers tend to be... anti leaning so it's something i sort of expect, but this one has a "ship advisory list", including ships you're not allowed to share media of (like fanfic or fanart) and if you discuss the ship you can be told to stop talking about it. and there were the typical ships you'd expect like Joker/Harley, BatJokes, and ofc a "no proships" umbrella ban. but some of the ships fucking baffled me. like canon ships were on this list. ships i to this day can't figure out why they'd be banned. the top ships of the list that just *got me* in terms of "... what is bad about this ship???" were
DickBabs
DonnaDick
Barry/Diana
Barry/Dinah
JayRose
Catwoman/Penguin
Talia/Bane
some of these i didn't know were shipped in the *first place* but even if they are, i can't fathom what's wrong with them. some of them are canon, normal ships? like what did JayRose do wrong. it's one of Jason's healthier relationships. and DonnaDick somehow gets me the most. my only guess is that antis heard them referred to as the Wonder Twins and thus decided the ship was incestual. bc otherwise how. why. i laugh everytime i think about DonnaDick being problematic.
on one hand i do think it's fucking hilarious of a list and it always makes me laugh bc i cannot fathom the mentality. but on the other hand it is sort of depressing that so many public social platforms for discussing the Batfam are becoming *so* anti-leaning that ships can be banned simply bc the mods of the server decided they were problematic for some unforeseen reason. it was the biggest depiction of "i don't like this ship so it's problematic" i've ever seen. like where does the goalpost stop moving? when does it somehow become problematic to ship things in general? it was wild even for anti stuff. truly the most baffling server i've been in.
#necrotic answerings#necrotic and divine#ask game#proship#there are probably other shitty servers i've been in#but that one lives rent free.#tho i need you to know#my answer was *almost* the official dc discord server#i've never seen a more poorly moderated space in my life#it's pure madness.#how did dc think that was a good idea#i have so many questions for dc about that one.#also any discord server with a trigger warning list that's a mile long and adds members triggers#i'm sorry about that one but i have feelings about how you need to manage your own triggers online#and cannot expect public spaces like discord servers to cater to your triggers.#a contained trigger warning list with like. the typical gore/nsfw/drug use/etc makes sense to me#but having it so long it includes pieces of media is. to me just censorship but what do i know-
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you know it's a hell of a game when you grab the second rarest achievement and you've still only seen a third of what's to offer
#.ix#if youre wondering i did go into this mostly blind#all i knew was 1. theres a princess 2. youre supposed to slay her 3. its a game that needs multiple playthroughs to do it justice#a lot of the other things i wasnt expecting! and was pleasantly surprised by!#my very first encounter was with the razor and i managed to defeat her in her final form#and i was like “oh FUCK YEAH boss fight time”#so i think i enjoy the murder routes more than the romance routes#not that i didn't thoroughly enjoy the kiss with the thorn. and hearing the narrator get icked by the kiss with the thorn.
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thinking about the housewardens, but they’re an idol group and you’re their manager. OTL they all vie for your attention, but you’re too busy balancing manager work to even notice that their gestures are more romantic and flirtatious than friendly. they’re always making eye contact with you when they’re in the recording studio, sometimes even smiling or winking when they know you’re looking. and when you aren’t around, they’re bickering over how some of them spend too much time with you compared to the others.
so imagine their surprise when they realize that they don’t know much about their manager’s private life. with seven idols, each with varying levels of fortune and all incredibly influential, it isn’t that difficult to pry. and when they learn you’re actually in a relationship, they’re all stunned. their manager is always working, so they never considered you’d have time for dating, much like how their agency forbids them from seeking romance. they always thought they might have a chance.
it was one thing to compete amongst themselves, but now they have to compete with your actual lover. this simply won’t do. they’ll have to find a way to have you all to themselves, and with the world practically at their fingertips it shouldn’t be too much of a challenge to achieve their precious manager’s heart, even if they must play a little dirty.
#meraki mumbles#housewarden idol au#yandere twst#imagine you're dating rollo who is the most normal compared to all of them#he's not rich or influential like them#so when the housewardens look into him and his background and find he's just a boring guy with a boring life (or so they think)#they're all like 'this is the man who's stolen manager's heart???? really?? a man who's probably blander than the blandest bread??????'#they're quite salty >:(#housewardens: so there's seven of us and one of him... we can put him in a coffin before manager even suspects anything :)#omg imagine they pay for a vacation for you and are fully expecting you to invite one (or all) of them along for the trip#and then you go with rollo and they're like -___-#the housewardens might not know of your private life but then you also hardly know them >:)#too many thoughts... orz
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LOVE when the pharmacy decides to fucking dick around with my meds so badly that now I’m off my mood stabilizer, my pain meds, and my fucking birth control (in a few days) because they’re insisting I should have extra fucking bottles of each one and I DONT because they don’t let me pick up more than a one month supply of narcotics at a fucking time so do explain where these extra bottles are, hmm ????? and they didn’t have enough caplyta ordered last time to even give me my usual 3 months supply of that so … ???? get your fucking heads out of your asses and give me the fucking meds you owe me ??? like ??? but I’m in a nasty headspace right now so if I call the pharmacy this morning, I’m going to be that cunt ass customer they bitch about all day because this isn’t the first time they’ve done this. in fact, the first time, they straight up committed insurance fraud by marking one of my scripts as filled and picked up WHEN, IN REALITY, THEY FUCKING LOST THE SCRIPT AND HAD NO RECORD OF IT BEING FILLED OR PICKED UP IN THEIR SYSTEM, BUT YET, MARKED IT AS SUCH AND CHARGED MY INSURANCE AN ALMOST 8 GRAND FOR THE FUCKING 3 MONTHS OF MY MOOD STABILIZER THAT I. NEVER. RECEIVED. I’m genuinely about to report this entire pharmacy to the pharmacy board because I’m so fucking done with this place. it needs to be shut the fuck down because you’re telling me, out of an entire pharmacy, y’all share the same IQ point AND dead brain cell, collectively ??? then don’t fucking work in healthcare where people rely on you to know your shit and keep track of their fucking meds because you’re just constantly making shit worse on people since you can’t seem to not fuck around with these meds and not ‘lose’ scripts. fuck out of here.
and I’m pretty much out of weed, which is usually my back up pain management method, without the money to afford a delivery order by their cut off time to order in 3 hours because I just paid my fucking bills and have SOME to go towards it, but not enough for delivery to be free, and I’d still have to walk my ass to one of the ATM’s nearby because they don’t accept my bank as a prepaid method OR any of the cards I have on my person. 🫠
I can literally feel my back spasming and seizing on and off while I’m laying on my fucking side, I’ve had a migraine with a stupid ass aura for almost a week now because chronic migraines fucking suck and i was REALLY hoping this one would be over by now, my muscle inflammations that my pain meds are supposed to limit are already beginning to start their itching deep in my muscles so soon they’ll blossom into a whole fibromyalgia fucking episode and become entirely inflamed, my joints in my hands fucking hurt because of the dreary weather so I really need to get into a rheumatologist at some point soon as well and get that shit figured out, I’m nauseas as fuck from all the pain, and I’m moody, hormonal, and just feel like fucking death physically.
I’m just. I give up.
this shit is exhausting and painful and so mentally fucking taxing to constantly deal with and I just want a fucking break from all this fucking shit. I wish I could just … not exist … for even just a little while with how fucking painful existing actually feels right now 🫠😭
#i hate that CT weed is so fucking expensive#half a fucking ounce shouldn’t cost me $250 …….. not when I can go to MA and get an ounce for $108 after tax ……..#but I don’t have a way to MA because my fucking best friend. who made plans with me OVER THE WEEKEND. HER. SHE INITIATED THEM.#canceled on me last second even though I texted her early the night before when I know she would see it 🫠#nope instead she waited from the text I sent at 6:30pm until noon the next day to cancel because her period is kicking her ass#NOT FOR FUCKING NOTHING BUT SO THE HELL IS MINE ???? AND IM ANEMIC ??? AND DEALING WITH ALL THIS EXTRA PAIN ON TOP OF IT ????#and I know I’m being irrational and insensitive because pain tolerance is a sliding scale for everyone#but like fucking come on you do this 3 out of 4 times YOU make the plans to hang out and I’m fucking over it.#plus I’m the one that always pays for everything and does she ever even OFFER to hit me back for the COUNTLESS ounces of weed I’ve got her#all because she couldn’t afford it so I said I’d cover it and she never paid me back. I’ve bought her at least a grand’s worth of weed#just over the last couple months and she’s never ONCE offered to pay me back for a single one#like ……… I don’t expect it. I give if I have it. but you can’t even just offer ??? like the invitation to pay me back would be enough to no#leave m ragingly pissed off and feeling used as an atm again for yet another ‘friend’ because they don’t even OFFER to be considerate#of course I’d say not to worry about it but it doesn’t even cross your fucking head to ask if I want anything towards it#like the next time you get paid ??? when you go and spend your own money on weed that day but can’t reimburse me for anything IVE paid for#oh and I always have to give her gas money if I even simply just want to hang out because she’s always fucking broke somehow#and she works in healthcare like bitch I know what you make and you can’t play that you don’t have enough to get by or throw me 50 bucks#towards YOUR weed that I’m buying every once in a fucking while when I’m already paying for everything fucking else#I’m so angry and I know I’m being irrational and bitchy but this is what happens when you’re tripped off your meds cold turkey#and one of them is a mood stabilizer that makes it so you DONT feel this way about people and aren’t so bitter when you’re let down 🫠🫠🫠#because now my rejection sensitive dysphoria is going to be triggered even easier than usual and I’m just.#I actually fucking give up. I don’t even know what to do here. the pain going through my body is so fucking intense#I keep losing my train of thought because everything hurts and then every once in a while a DIFFERENT pain acts up and throws itself in too#I just. I just can’t fucking win.#I hate fucking struggling with my mental state like this when I’m off my meds.#and because I have to be a month without my stabilizer/pain management/birth control it’s going to take me ANOTHER month to get readjusted#to those in my body so I won’t feel normal again until nearly fucking mid to end January the earliest#and that’s fucking bullshit. I’m going to fucking **** myself by the time I get back on these fucking meds since it’ll take that long#fucking hell I just. I give up. I give in. I’m self isolating and cutting myself off from everyone because it’ll be in THEIR best interest#for me to do so when I can’t control my mind like this. I’m so tired of feeling so fucking shitty and I’ve only been off them for two days
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hey folks did you know i love super dangan ronpa 2
#marzi speaks#thinking abt the themes in that story#ESPECIALLY the letting other people’s perceptions dictate who you are vs choosing who you are for yourself and not letting anyone stop you#like almost every single one of the sdr2 cast has a front they put on/identity they’re ‘supposed’ to be vs who they truly are#komaeda’s i could write an essay on so we’re gonna skip him bc. energy#hajime’s is obvious. i don’t need to explain that one. though he tries really hard to come off as more masculine as well which. augh#speaking of masculine souda is a victim of toxic masculinity. he was bullied and had a dad who sucked so he changed himself to look fiercer#ibuki left her band due to ‘creative differences’- she didn’t fit into that classic pop band mold and she allowed herself to deviate#mahiru puts extra pressure on men around her bc Her Dad Also Sucked and she’s sick of having to deal with weaponized incompetence#gundham is this sweet kind kind boy who hides it all underneath a veil of darkness. the darkness is not a lie either though he is both#sonia. literally a princess. has huge shoes to fill. in reality she’s a horror fiend who just wants to nerd out abt true crime#nekomaru’s heart condition would have taken him out of sports forever but he found another way and started team managing instead#fuyuhiko is set up to be the next head of the kuzuryu clan but on the inside he is so compassionate (and canonically a prude lmao)#peko is literally raised as a tool and tries to embrace this role even though the one she works for just wants her to be herself#i haven’t seen hiyoko’s ftes but i imagine she’d be far less cruel if she didn’t have to deal with constant infantilization and perverts#twogami just. as a whole. the whole character. yeah#there’s for sure more but i haven’t seen everyone’s ftes so. yanno#like fuck !!!!!! people will always have a perception of what they think you should be but you cannot truly be happy#until you allow yourself to disregard those expectations and forge your own path instead !!!! fuck !!!!!
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