#so like. here you can imagine what he would be in full context woo

[the-kipsabian]

what about some good old UpbeatDreams but ReverseBeats! AU whether it’s the normal sides or the... ‘other’ sides is up to u my pal!

His grin was met with a pair of tired eyes, lips turned into an unamused frown.

“What’s the point, we are all going to die one day anyway.”

“Better make that trip worth it then, don’t you think?”

[juniorgman187]

2 Truths & a Lie (Spencer Reid Imagine)

Summary: A game of “Strip 2 Truths and a Lie” helps heats things up between SSA Reader and Spencer. 

Prompt: “Ladies first.” Couple: Spencer Reid x Female Reader Category: Fluff Content Warning: Alcohol consumption, stripping  Word count: 3.5k

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 

“Strip poker!” Garcia slurred. “Let’s play! Let’s play! Let’s play!” 

You had to interject. “No way! If Reid’s playing - I’m not. That’s so unfair.” 

Morgan agreed with you. “Yeah, I’m with Hot Stuff over here. He’s banned from three casinos for a reason.” 

All eyes turned to the aforementioned man, whose smug smile reached from ear to ear. “Fair enough. What can we play then?” He asked. 

It was your turn to scream like a giddy Garcia. “Two truths and a lie!” You jumped up from your seat on the floor. “It’s totally fair cause we’re all profilers here. So it’ll either show how good of a liar you are or show how good of a profiler you are.” 

“Excuse me, Girl Goddess. Need I remind you - I’m not a profiler.” Garcia butted in. 

JJ made a disapproving noise against the brim of her red solo cup. “Hey, hey, hey - you’re like the first to tell when someone’s hiding something.” 

Garcia simply smiled at this. “Ah, you’re right, Jayje.” 

So it was settled. You and the BAU were gonna play “Strip 2 Truths and a Lie.” 

But to make things a little more interesting, you changed up the rules.

The order the players would take turns went in a clockwise circle. Garcia, Morgan, Reid, you, Prentiss, and JJ. (Hotch and Rossi bailed last minute. Apparently, being invited to Garcia’s wasn’t an offer they couldn’t refuse.)

Instead of players guessing what the lie was and stopping once someone guessed correctly, you were all going to guess at the same time. Garcia took the liberty of handing each of your sticky notes and once the player said their two truths and one lie, you would write your guess on your post-it and put it in a pile for the “liar” to read. 

Then the “liar” would declare who was stripping based on who guessed incorrectly. And just for some more fun - the “liar” wouldn’t explicitly tell what the real lie was. You profilers would just have to use context clues to do that. 

Since each player was guessing on post-its, Garcia gave you each a different color to distinguish who guessed what. Granted, it was Garcia, so she had every shade of the rainbow. She gave herself the red, Reid got the orange, you got yellow, Prentiss - green, Morgan got blue. And JJ - purple. 

“I’m first!” Garcia sing-songily said. “Alright - I had a guinea pig named Cerulean when I was little . . . my mom knew how to juggle, andddd, OH! I lost my virginity to a guy I met online with the gamer tag ‘FastAndFurious79.” 

Morgan almost spat out the drink he was nursing from his shock at the last one. “Babygirl, you did what?!” The pitch of his voice sent the rest of you into a frenzy as you each wrote your guesses on your sticky note pads. 

You guessed the lie was the guinea pig. And using your peripherals, you saw that Prentiss thought the same. You folded your yellow sticky note and placed it in the center. Eventually, when the rainbow was complete, Garcia began reading them. “I hate you guys! It’s no fun being friends with profilers.” She pouted. 

“You lost your virginity to a guy with the gamertag ‘fast and furious?!” Morgan screeched. You and the team laughed so hard, your stomach started hurting.

The game continued for an entire round until it was Morgan’s second turn. 

“Alright, growing up my favorite movie was Kindergarten Cop . .  . um, I used to be a lifeguard, and my body count is higher than my age.” 

Reid was quick to jot down his answer, but you took a little time with yours.

“What’s the problem, Hot Stuff?” Morgan teased. 

“Mmm, I dunno. You’ve genuinely got me stumped on this one.” You admitted. Morgan just shot you that infomercial worthy grin as a response. 

Hesitantly, you finally wrote down that he was lying about his favorite moving being Kindergarten Cop. Your sticky note was the last to go in the pile, so you just handed yours to Morgan to speed up the process. He chuckled while going through most of them and looked back up at all of you with that same smug look Reid had earlier. 

“Looks like Pretty Boy and Hot Stuff are the first to strip tonight!” He declared, making you roll your eyes. 

“Your body count isn’t higher than your age?!” Reid squeaked. Morgan laughed and shook his head no. Now that - that was shocking. 

“Alright, what can I take off that counts?” You clarified. 

“Any piece of clothing that covers your legs, arms, and torso.” Morgan happily informed.

It wasn’t fair. On a normal workday, you would have a blazer, pants, or sometimes a skirt, and a blouse or shirt underneath, but today was collectively your guys’ day off - so you only had on a fitted tee and jeans. Whereas the genius to the right of you wore a sweater vest, button-up, tie, belt, and his pants. Before, you would make fun of him for wearing so much on a day off, but now you were envious. 

“Not fair! He’s got like 80 pieces of clothing on.” You whined. The rest of the group, including Reid, laughed at you. Not a single one of them offered mercy. Looks like you were just gonna have to strip off what little clothes you were wearing.

“Ladies first.” 

Reid teased as if he was being a gentleman by saying this. His voice made it sound so subtly seductive that your cheeks heat up. He even said it with the side of his mouth, making his plump lips form a smirk. 

You raised your brows at his cockiness. You wanted to make him eat his words, so you stood up - first, unbuttoning your jeans painfully slow. All eyes were on you as you stuck your thumbs inside the waistband and wiggled your hips, while simultaneously pulling your jeans down. You made a little show out of it, milking the situation. You dragged the denim down while arching your back to flaunt your butt as it was unhurriedly revealed. And just for fun, you angled yourself, where Reid could get the full view. When your jeans dropped to your ankles, you stepped out of them, bent over to retrieve them, and for a finishing touch - you dropped them right onto Reid’s lap. 

“They don’t call me Hot Stuff for nothing.” You flirtatiously remarked. 

“WOO-HOO-HOO! That was sexy, Mamas!” Morgan cheered. The girls all had faces of admiration or surprise on them - mainly admiration. Whereas Reid appeared like he’d just discovered porn or something - like a whole world of possibilities opened up. 

“Hello? Earth to Dr. Reid?” You joked, sitting back down beside him. 

When you felt the floor’s rug against your thong, it shocked you a little, so you moaned at the feeling. Not loud enough for everyone to hear over their laughs and cheers but just loud enough for Reid to. And he most certainly did. Because you caught his tongue sweeping over his lips while his eyes looked at yours. If you weren’t in a group setting, you would’ve straddled him right then and there and kissed him, but you weren’t gonna lose control like that. The question was - would he? And secretly - you were hoping he would. 

“Wow, Y/N. You’ve rendered him speechless. I don’t think that’s ever happened before,” Prentiss quipped. “You should do that more often.” Everyone erupted into another fit of laughter. 

Reid shook his head as if to re-enter reality. “I, uh, I - I’m just gonna take off my belt.” He concluded, fiddling nervously with the buckle. 

“Need some help there?” Before you even finished the question, you put your small fingers around the clasp, making him shiver.

“N-no!” He whimpered, grabbing your wrists in one hand and moving them away from his groin. He continued to unbuckle it and neatly place it behind him. 

The game continued on for many more minutes with Morgan losing his shirt and consequently, Garcia losing her shit (which was understandable because Morgan was RIPPED.) JJ removed her belt, while Garcia took off her cropped cardigan. Prentiss was the only one left who was fully clothed, while you and Reid still hadn’t lost any more articles of clothing since the initial time you did. 

“Alright, alright! Me again!” Garcia giggled, while she downed the rest of whatever was in that red solo cup. “Let’s see. Oh, I got it! Okay, my hair has been dyed every color except for green, I’m the president of a secret club for people that love sea otters, and I’ve had sex more times on the floor than in the bed.” She squealed. 

You weren’t buying that she’s never dyed her hair green, and after a quick side glance to the right, you saw that Reid didn’t buy it either. You folded the paper over your answer and placed it confidently in the center - waiting patiently for the verdict. Garcia zealously scooped up all the post its and scrutinized them. “Uh oh, I think Boy Wonder and Girl Goddess might be out of a job once Sir Hotch finds out how bad they are at detecting lies!” Garcia got so excited she started jumping up and down. You pouted and faked sobs once you heard this. 

“Take it off! Take it off! Take it off!” The group started cheering. 

Just to be the center of attention once more, you stood up and put your right hand under the hem of the left side of your shirt, and you put your left hand under the hem of the right side of your shirt, making your arms cross over your tummy. You pulled the shirt up (sucking in your gut once it was uncovered) all the way until it was finally over your head. You were left in your maroon push up bra and your black lacy thong - a set that didn’t match, but when you looked down at yourself, looked decently good together. 

The “crowd” gasped at your figure in its entirety. Encouraging words were spewed at you, making you smile. 

“Alright, your turn.” You nudged Reid. He simply slipped off his sweater vest, quite ungracefully might you add. But little did you know that he lost all coordination after seeing you so bare. 

“Here.” He whispered, removing his tie from his collar. He began unbuttoning his dress shirt, which you didn’t understand why, until he shrugged it off of himself and helped you into it. You weren’t surprised in the least when you saw that underneath his white button-up was a cotton tee. Of course, he had even more layers than you previously thought. 

“Aww, look at that.” Prentiss said with awe at Reid’s actions. 

While Reid rolled up the long sleeves until he saw your hands peek through, all you could manage to do was look at him. He bit his lip while he did this, showing how focused he was on the task. He was absolutely adorable. 

“Do you want me to button it for you?” He quietly asked. You shook your head no. “It’s okay. Thank you.” If you could’ve seen yourself, you would’ve seen that your eyes had hearts in them. You were the epitome of lovesick. 

“Yeah, of course.” 

When he stopped helping you dress, you couldn’t help but notice the outfit he was left to wear. It was a plain white tee with gray dress pants and his classic black converse. How he managed to look so good in such a simple outfit was beyond you. It was quite unfair actually. You thought his normal quirky attire suit him pretty well but this outfit made you feel something you’d never felt before. Your eyes drifted up to his hair, which since he cut it last year, was growing out again but was still short. It was the perfect length and had a little curl and unruliness to it - just the way you liked. It looked so soft that you were overcome with a sudden overwhelming urge to run your fingers through it, but you willed yourself not to.

“I think someone’s in love over there.” Morgan pointed to you, making you snap out of your trance. 

“What? NO!” You shrieked. 

“Oh my god, you totally are.” Prentiss giggled. 

“Somebody likes Reid.” JJ sing-songily teased before sipping at her drink and looking away. 

“OK, enough with the crazy talk. We’re all a little too drunk to be making such claims.” You concluded. “I think maybe it’s time to go home.” You hastily said, trying to change the topic. 

“Mmm-mmm,” Morgan disapprovingly shook his head. “None of us should be driving right now. Even Reid.” Reid looked slightly offended at the comment, but he couldn’t deny it. He’d only had one drink, but everyone knew Reid was a lightweight. 

“Why don’t you guys just crash here?” Garcia slurred. No one objected, so the sleeping arrangement was made. Morgan and Garcia would sleep in Garcia’s bed. JJ on the beanbag. Prentiss on the loveseat. And you and Reid on the couch. 

“Me and Reid?” You asked Garcia. 

“Uh-huh,” She nodded rapidly. “You’ll fit. Just spoon!” She said with joyful elation.

“Uh ohh, Reid and Y/N sittin’ in a tree. C-U-D-D-L-I-N-G.” Morgan jested. 

“Shut up!” Reid chucked a pillow at Morgan’s face - which he caught before it even touched his head. “Don’t worry, I’ll just sleep on the floor.” Reid told you.

“No, don’t be silly. We share the couch on the jet all the time.” You told him. Covertly, you were hoping he wouldn’t argue against it. There were certainly worse things you could do than cuddle with Reid. Just as you wanted, he didn’t contend. 

“Here.” He handed you your jeans and t-shirt, which you took but didn’t put back on. 

“Do you mind if I stay in this? There’s no way I can fall asleep in my jeans,” He blinked hard as if to process what you were saying but didn’t dispute. “I’ll be back.” You disclosed while walking to Garcia’s bathroom to put on your shirt and take off your bra. You came back out, feeling a cold breeze. Unbeknownst to you, the cold air hardened your nipples, but this was not lost on Reid. He let himself get a glimpse of the sight while he laid on the couch, waiting for you to join him. 

“You’re really gonna sleep in your pants?” You asked him, not even trying to imply anything sexual. 

“Would you mind if I took them off?” He shyly questioned. 

You shook your head as if to say, “No, not at all.” 

He slid them down before you took your spot on the couch. While Reid’s back was against the backrest, your back was right up against his chest. This was the position you’d normally be in if you were on the jet. Something that surprisingly - the team never teased you for. It was as if everyone just accepted it as something normal. Something totally natural. 

Except in this instance, Garcia’s couch was surprisingly not as wide as the jet’s, so you had to scoot back a little to fit. However, you didn’t anticipate how close Reid already was to you. So when you backed up, (for lack of a better term) you made ass-to-dick contact. 

“Oh my God! I’m so sorry!” You nervously blurted. Reid uncomfortably laughed it off. 

“No, no. You’re fine.” He reassured you. It was enough to convince you to settle back down and cuddle up to Reid again. 

Despite doing this countless amounts of times before, there was something about this time that made you feel differently. You thought that your heart might sooner beat out of your chest. The rhythm vibrated through your entire body, and you honestly worried that the beat was so loud that Reid could hear it. After 30 minutes of this, the whole house was knocked out - except for you. You harbored too much nervous energy to fall asleep.

“Are you feeling okay? You’re breathing really hard.” Reid murmured, his quiet voice shocking you. Damn it, he wasn’t asleep either? Leave it to him to pick up on your unnatural breathing patterns. You told Reid it was nothing, but he didn’t leave it alone. “How can I help you sleep?”Once more, you told him you were just fine. “Can I just try something? My mom used to do this for me when I couldn’t fall asleep,” You reluctantly agreed. “Turn around.” He softly commanded. 

You did as asked, turning towards him. Now that you were face-to-face, Reid took his arm that was by his side before and put it over your body, with his hand on your back. You felt his warm touch move from between your shoulder blades, down your spine, all the way to the small of your back. He moved up and down repeatedly, sometimes adding pressure along the way. Your eyes closed at the pleasure. 

“Does that feel good?” He asked sweetly, but even then, you couldn’t help but imagine him asking that same question in a very different scenario. 

You couldn’t be bothered to speak real words, so you hummed in tranquility. 

He kept doing this until he noticed your breathing started to slow down. It was working. 

The last thought you had before falling asleep completely was of how you never wanted this moment to end. 

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 

“How long should we wait until we wake them?” You heard JJ ask. Her voice seemed so distant for some reason. “Mmm, I give it five more minutes.” Morgan’s voice chirped. Now his voice seemed to be closer. 

“Should I take another picture?” Garcia asked. Wait a minute - her voice was louder now too. 

You groggily opened your eyes, wincing at the brightness of your surroundings. 

“Oh, I think Hot Stuff’s awake.” Morgan’s words sobered you up enough to lift your head and examine your surroundings. 

Reid’s face was buried into your chest, while your hand was in his hair. Your leg wrapped around Reid’s lower body, with his hand hooked on the back of your knee, hiking it up even further and keeping your leg in its place. You began realizing just how provocative the scene was, so you startled yourself out of it. Like the clumsy goof you are, you rolled out of Reid’s embrace, but with no extra space to roll over onto, you tumbled to the floor gracelessly. This woke up Reid and made the four viewers hovering over the couch die laughing. 

“Not funny.” You groaned, clutching your side in pain after collapsing onto the floor. 

“What happened?” Reid yawned. 

“What happened was you and Hot Stuff got pretty comfortable on Garcia’s sofa.” Morgan sounded way too happy to tell Reid this. 

You looked back at Reid with a frown, noticing how he looked like he was a child that had just been caught doing something bad. 

“Maybe next time we play Strip 2 Truths and a Lie, they’ll finally admit they like each other.” Prentiss giggled, mentioning you and Reid as if you weren’t in their presence. 

“Be quiet!” You and Reid simultaneously yelped. 

You buried your face into a throw pillow that had been discarded on the floor, probably from where you and Reid took up all the space on the couch. As you hid your face in embarrassment, you heard the quartet move away from the scene and into the kitchen, leaving you and Reid to your devices. 

“Sorry about them.” He finally said. His voice was all raspy from where he’d just woken up and all you could think was - YOU’RE KILLING ME. How did he make everything he did so sexy?

“Me, too.” You uttered, removing the pillow from your face to hug it in your arms like a child hugging their toy. From behind you, Reid sat up and swung his legs to the front of the couch to stand up and help you up from your sitting position on the floor. 

“For what it’s worth, I don’t regret anything,” He told you when you’d risen to eye level with him. You smiled to suggest that you felt the same way. “You know, maybe we could do this again . . . without the audience.” He cocked his head backward to gesture to the rest of the group. 

“Only if you promise to give me back rubs again.” You beamed. 

The look on Reid’s face was priceless. It was as if he’d just been told he won the lottery. You walked away from him with the same stupid grin on your face that he had on his. 

“Hey, wait I’m gonna need that shirt back!” He called out from behind you as you moved swiftly into Garcia’s bathroom to change. 

“I guess you’ll have to come pick it up from my apartment tonight.” You yelled back to him, lingering in the doorway. His smile was your answer.

Well - looks like you have plans tonight.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 

[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Natsume (pt.7)

Well, Natsume's really in it now! Today we'll be talking about what lengths Natsume will go to in order to protect the people he loves. He's not a normal boy with a normal first crush, after all. He has no intention of wooing her or flirting. In fact, his instinct is to distance himself, and going forward we'll see that instinct is motivated by more than just a low self-esteem.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Natsume has some major character flaws. He’s kinda a jerk in general and is rude and abrasive. He’s chronically selfless and seems to be drawn to situations where he can sacrifice himself for others, which is a very unhealthy way to be. He’s also terrible at keeping his word.

Natsume only made this decision on his own, but he’s pretty bad at carrying through with it. He’s the one who told her to stay away, but Natsume will have more and more trouble staying true to such an agreement.

At first, he makes an effort: Mikan is being bullied for her stupidity and sees Natsume. He glares at her, another discouragement from coming any closer. He doesn’t argue with her or join in on the bullying.

But in no time at all, the whole class is riled up in study mode because of Mikan’s example, and for many kids in Class B, the best person to turn to for tutoring help is Natsume, who is actually quite smart when he actually does the work--though he’d prefer not to. And he does help, though not with any kind or supportive words. He’ll leave that to Mikan. Maybe to him it feels a bit like a cheat, like he can afford to give in a little bit. He later walks alongside her after an exam, like he’s part of her circle, and although he’s not really engaging with her like the rest of the kids are, it’s enough that he’s near her.

And it’s enough for the ESP and Persona to notice.

We can see the ESP looking down on them from his headquarters room, still covered in shadows to maintain his mystery, but his figure is familiar enough for a reread. Natsume has been caught and he will have to face the consequences.

Persona subs in for Makihara-sensei (and we must wonder if Makihara was really unable to proctor his exam or if he was ordered to stay away so that a point could be made to Natsume), and despite his disguise, Natsume can tell it’s him instantly. After all, he was supposed to recognize him. Natsume looks horrified.

So far, Natsume has had to more or less balance two very different parts of his life: a more light-hearted life in Class B and his life as a spy and black ops agent. They’ve been difficult to juggle because of how different they are, but they’ve been pretty separated. Here, the lines are blurring. Was there really any divide at all or was that just an illusion? Persona can invade on his happiness any time he wants, on a whim, and nobody else will notice that anything is amiss. Only Natsume will be bothered, and that’s enough.

Natsume later catches up to Persona, asking him what the hell all that was about.

Permy and his fans aren’t the only ones to notice that Natsume has been softer lately--he and the ESP have noticed as well, and he’s been ordered to put a stop to it. He mentions a “kitten of a different color” who has been of interest to the ESP too, and Natsume plays dumb, his last-ditch attempt to protect Mikan from being drawn into this.

Persona comments on the strangeness of seeing the infamous Black Cat that he trained himself, who he’s supposedly only ever seen in action, sitting and taking a test like a normal kid. He reminds him that he’s not a normal kid. There’s no point in trying so hard. He won’t make it to ever see his family again, so why even bother?

And then Persona makes a point to discourage Natsume from getting close to that “kitten of a different color”. Natsume argues that they’re the ones who made them partners in the first place! And he might as well be giving himself away. Again, Natsume seems convinced that the partners thing was a decision from pretty high up, but I don’t think it was. Here, it seems like Persona is trying to clean up the mess Narumi made before it gets too out of hand. Natsume is a perfect tool and anything messing with that is inconvenient. They can’t unmake them partners (yet) so the most they can do is threaten Natsume.

And now we can see what kind of alice Persona has. It's a real threat, killing that plant. It's a reminder to Natsume what he's capable of, that his friends and loved ones could end up just like that plant.

And so Persona does.

Natsume is anguished here, because he’s been trying his very best to avoid this situation, but he should have known that Mikan was already in the academy spotlight and his feelings would be quickly caught. It was too late from the start and he was doomed all along to add Mikan to the list of people he will do anything to protect.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

The next chapter opens with Mikan being confused and hurt by Natsume’s sudden new coldness. She has no idea what’s brought this all on, but we do. Natsume has no choice now but to completely try and cut her off. It’s for her own good, after all. If he’s not careful, she could get hurt. Protecting her is worth it, even if it means he has to be even more of a villain than usual.

We don’t see a lot of Natsume in this chapter, actually, because he’s trying really hard to stick by his word this time. We see him trip up a little, staring at her in class. When she catches him, he turns away coldly, but from this we can see that Natsume really doesn’t want to be leaving her alone like this. If he had it his way, in an ideal world, he’d be much nicer to her. Unfortunately, Natsume doesn’t waste his time thinking about his ideals, so he keeps at it, pushing her away.

The next time we see Natsume, it’s after we’ve been thoroughly introduced to the concept of the life-shortening alice. This is one hint of many that he has such an alice, several chapters before we get a real confirmation.

The scene where Natsume struggles on a bed full of pills is perhaps more dramatic in the anime, but it’s no less potent here. It’s like a sucker punch. You don’t want it to be true. He’s ten years old, for heaven’s sake! TEN YEARS OLD! And he’s suffering, hunched over, face red, gasping for air, clutching his chest, next to the biggest bag of medicine I’ve ever seen. It’s the biggest hint we’ve gotten so far, especially in the context of Kaname’s illness.

It's heart-breaking to imagine that most of the time, Natsume is simply pretending like he's not in absolute physical agony.

Kaname stays at the hospital for long stretches of time, staying for weeks and sometimes months at a time. He’s hospitalized more than he’s able to walk around free. There’s a lot to consider when that treatment is compared to Natsume’s. Natsume is the DA favorite and is sent on many missions. His trips to the hospital are never for weeks or months at a time, not because he doesn’t need the rest, but because the school can’t stand to go so long without their prize fighter. Natsume might be in even worse condition than Kaname, but there’d be no real way to tell unless we got it from him, because he has no choice but to put up with it and pretend like he’s not living in constant agony. And on top of being terribly and terminally ill, he gets physically beaten somewhat regularly… this school beats sick children and then threatens them when they find any inkling of happiness.

There is a bittersweet tone about Kaname’s story. He’s already sick anyway but he will probably die if he keeps using his alice, but he wants to, because he wants to bring people the same happiness that making Bear brought him. It’s tragic and heart-breaking, but it’s touching too. That sweetness is missing from Natsume’s appearance. His situation feels miserable and helpless in comparison, because not only does he have no way out, but nobody even knows the extent of his struggles.

He only lets himself feel this level of pain when he’s all alone in his bedroom. He’s been having a horrible past few days, having to ignore Mikan when she’s all that’s made him happy in recent memory. All that together, and we know that this night was a rough one for him.

The next day, we see everyone saying good-bye to Kaname. Once again, Natsume is completely separated from the rest of them, all alone in the classroom, sitting and looking as miserable as one can expect. It’s strange seeing him now after we’ve seen what his nights look like and just how painful they can get.

I just want him to be okay. Why is that too much to ask?

There’s some text on his panel: “I want the future I spend with the ones I love to last just a little longer.” Yet another hint that maybe his illness is more than just that. He has very little time left, and very little time to spend with his loved ones, but even worse: he can’t even spend time with Mikan because doing so would put her in danger. Even with Youichi and Ruka the amount of time he can spend with them is limited. They have their own lives and he doesn’t want to hold them back or hint in the slightest that there’s something up with him. He doesn’t want to worry or burden them. And so he sits alone in the classroom, looking despondent and lonely.

And now we know more than ever that this was never his choice: he has to be like this.

No, he’s not the asshole he makes himself out to be, somebody who doesn’t care about others and cuts others off because he thinks himself above them. All he wants is to protect people from getting too entrenched in his dark life. Natsume being this level of a jerk is a method to protect people, a method an adult would have to take.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

I’m quite relieved to have finally passed the point where the anime adapts the manga. From now on, I can focus entirely on the manga. I passed 22k words on this essay too! This whole thing will be sooooo long. I hope it’s an enjoyable read so far. It’s quite fun for me to write.

This chapter is the beginning of a long and dramatic arc. There’s been incidents of people losing their alices. The academy is withholding information about the gravity of the situation, lying that the students have not been affected so far.

But even with the little information the kids have, Class B is full of concern. Everyone is discussing these incidents, debating whether losing one’s alice would even be a bad thing. After all, they’d be able to go back home and see their families. Nonoko brings up a great point, that her alice is a part of her identity, something she loves about herself. It’s not something she’d ever willingly part with. Furthermore, she doesn’t want to leave all her friends at the academy either. Ultimately, the kids all agree that they wouldn’t want to lose their alices.

At this, Natsume stands up and leaves the room. He’s heard enough.

Natsume doesn’t just have complicated feelings about his alice--he feels hatred for it. After all, if it weren’t for his alice, he could live to a ripe old age. He could still be with his family. He could be happy, not used as a weapon by the academy to fight until he dies. He can’t relate much to the conversations about fondness for an alice. From what we can see, he’d be over the moon to be rid of it for good. This is a concept brought up now, because it will be incredibly important later on.

Not to spill about my personal life or anything, but I’m an English major (in an anglophone country so my focus is literary analysis and writing). Writing literature papers in school was a love of mine that I translated to my other interests. I’m writing what I can here about general themes and even visual parallels. I want to write as thorough an analysis as I can. Unfortunately, I can’t effectively pick apart word choices and phrases when they’re translated from another language and when so many conflicting translations may exist.

I’m saying all this as a disclaimer because I want to analyze word choice now and I am aware that this might not carry to the original Japanese or even to other versions of the English translation. (For reference, I’m using the TokyoPop versions for my analysis for the first 15 volumes and then I’ll be using whatever I get my hands on for the rest. The pics I use are from scans, but the main source I use for now is TokyoPop.)

"Nowhere!".... hmm let me read way too much into this.

Natsume leaves the room and Ruka chases after him, asking where he’s headed. Natsume responds, “Nowhere.” This might be a nothing point to make, but it stands out to me whenever I read this part. It’s a reassurance to Ruka, sure, but there seems to be more to it. On the surface, we can tell that Natsume doesn’t have a destination in mind; he just doesn’t want to be in the classroom anymore, listening to all that upsetting talk. Deeper than that, he really is heading nowhere. He’s stuck there, at the academy, unlike the rest of them who will eventually leave to go back home once they’ve graduated. Natsume will probably die at the school, trapped within its gates. He will probably never see his family again. He is, in that sense as well, going nowhere.

The rest of their conversation is just as packed with meaning. Ruka can tell something is up and he wants Natsume to talk to him, to let him in, but Natsume knows that Ruka has made a pact not to smile if he’s not smiling. So even though Ruka is asking and wants to know what’s wrong, Natsume won’t give anything away. Being miserable is one thing, but letting Ruka know that something is worse than usual would only make Ruka miserable too, and he can’t have that. The bottom of one page has him frowning, maybe steeling himself, and then at the top of the next page, he turns around with a grin to tousle Ruka’s hair.

Don't mind me. I am simply crying.

“It’s nothing,” he says with his smile, looking so gentle, and Ruka still looks concerned, but he can’t argue anymore.

In reality there’s a lot going on with Natsume. Later, when we are introduced to Tono, he mentions being concerned about Natsume’s health, having heard that he was making frequent visits to the hospital. We already know he’s sick and going on ceaseless missions, and on top of all that he has to ignore and be cruel to the girl he likes. It’s a terrible situation. But Natsume can’t tell Ruka any of this without worrying him, so instead he will keep it to himself. After all, it’s nothing that can be helped or changed. It’s something he feels he has to cope with on his own. To him, spilling his secrets would be selfish and only cause suffering.

Chapter Thirty

Iinchou has finally returned from his visit to his hometown. He’s brought gifts and anecdotes and everyone is quite happy to see him, until Iinchou attempts to use his alice and finds himself unable to.

It’s a shock to the whole class that a kid at their school has lost his alice. They had been so relieved that at least it wouldn’t affect kids like them, but now one of them is a victim too. It makes the fear much more real. If it could happen to Iinchou, it could happen to any of them.

Things get tense when Iinchou returns to class and says that this might have been the fault of a woman he encountered outside of the school, someone who was probably affiliated with Z. Everyone who was involved with saving Natsume when he was kidnapped is shocked to hear about Z again, but none more than Natsume himself. He gets up and leaves, just like he did last chapter.

He’s thinking about the proposal Reo gave, that Natsume should join Z and fight against the academy he despises. But he’s not alone with his thoughts, because Ruka followed him again, and so did Mikan this time.

She tries to ask him about Z, see if he has any more idea about what’s going on. She’s confused and he knows more than anyone what happened during that incident, but he’s refusing to acknowledge her presence, let alone answer any of her questions. He’s keeping up his charade of cruelty to keep her safe, but it’s driving Mikan crazy. She finally breaks, screaming at him that he should pay attention when people are talking to him, and further that if he has any issues with her he should just say it to her face.

Just like last chapter, we see a panel of Natsume steeling himself, ready to do the selfless thing to protect the other person. Only this time the next panel has him glaring at her, saying he doesn’t like anything about her. He hates everything about her.

Natsume has no choice but to lie all the time about how he's feeling, because everyone else must always come first.

It feels different, but in reality this is the same thing he did to Ruka last chapter. He can’t be honest about his feelings when he’s feeling upset, and he can’t be honest about his feelings when he’s actually starting to fall for a girl. He always has to hide his true feelings, repress and bury them, lie about them in order to protect everyone around him. It’s hard for him to do, but he thinks it hurts him more than it could hurt her, so he manages it.

What adds even more layers to this is that Ruka is observing the whole thing. He sees Natsume’s actions as selfless but misfires on the motive a little--but only a little.

He recalls eating strawberries with Natsume and Aoi, with Aoi cheerfully discussing her newfound love for the fruits. And so Natsume gives his to her. Aoi is surprised, because strawberries are his favorites. He responds easily, “I hate them now.”

"For you," Natsume says.

Ruka knows what kind of person Natsume is, that Natsume would reject something he loves so that his loved ones can be happy. They’re both aware that they like the same girl, and Ruka can’t help but put the math together and assume that perhaps Natsume is doing this for him, hurting himself and bringing himself pain so that Ruka can be happy and pursue a girl he has a crush on guilt-free.

He’s even more convinced of the theory with the tiny panel that reminds us of when Natsume shoved Ruka into Mikan so they could dance. Natsume loves Mikan too, but he wants Ruka to be happy, so he will give up and even ruin his own chances to help out his best friend over himself.

When I say it’s a misfire, I mean that Natsume has a lot of other things going on, including Persona and his imminent death. It’s not that he definitely isn’t doing this for Ruka, it’s just that it’s not as major a factor as other things. He’s mainly doing it because of the threats from Persona. If Ruka is involved in his thought process, it’s mainly a bonus. Ruka’s theory is definitely not unfounded; just not completely accurate.

In any case, it does add extra substance to the dynamic between the three of them, where they all walk away from the moment with completely different kinds of misery.

Before any of them can sit with their sadness, though, they receive word that an intruder from Z is at the school.

Conclusion

In this section, we explored how Natsume has no choice but to distance himself from everybody, and even how the methods he uses to distance himself look different depending on the person. Ultimately, despite the fact that he isn't the sweetest kid you'll ever meet, Natsume being cruel to this extent isn't a quirk of his personality: it's what he has to do. If he didn't have so many things being held against him, he might be much kinder to Mikan, or more honest with Ruka, but he has no choice in the matter.

In the next edition, we're getting more involved in the Z Arc and going into how come Natsume goes from telling Mikan he hates her to backing her cause and going on a dangerous mission with her.

<- Previous Next ->

[arcane-aspirations]

The Frustration of the Experienced or, When Nothing is New* Anymore

I’ve recently picked back up attempting an active practice of daemianism. This form of daemianism is inspired by the animal-formed, corporeal representation of human souls in Phillip Pullman’s His Dark Materials series (best known book is The Golden Compass). I first read the series in 2005 or 2006 or so, and I am very sure I imagined what it would be like to have my soul beside me as an animal then. That’s the sort of person I was then - to imagine and bring forth what I experienced in stories that inspired me to my daily life - and indeed, hope to regain a powerful sense of being again.

I first encountered others who were daemians on the internet a few years later. I didn’t remain an active member, but I found The Daemon Page Forum and was fascinated with this community that developed detailed profiles for what sort of person would have what species as their daemons. It was like personality typing, with varying levels of commitment to an imaginary friend or what I would now recognize as a thoughtform.

Let me come back to that. “What I would now recognize.”

Over the years, although I didn’t post on TDF, I would check back every few months as I remembered daemianism and read over various species’ profiles that interested me. I have always been fairly obsessed with representing myself; I never felt like I had to explore or understand myself though - that felt intrinsic and obvious.

Though I always found it deeply frustrating that often the most common “default” characters and teams were the ones I related to the most, genuinely. I considered myself for a wolf-formed daemian for a very long time. That was also an issue for me being Gryffindor, an Autobot, Thunderclan... My archetype gravitated towards that that was popular, which often was annoying in that many who claimed the popular affiliation with something were frequently the ones just claiming an affiliation with the fandom or the popularity, rather than the soul behind it.

I digress. Mostly. That context of something being popular affecting my relationship with the thing itself isn’t completely irrelevant.

I would say the most important and active time in my beinng a daemian was a rough patch in my life around 2015 into 2016. I was lonely and had became my own worst enemy too, given that a precious friend turned enemy makes for the worst sort. The comfort of my daemon, this entity which was supposed to represent the real, true self, was incredibly valuable. Setting aside the slight reprieve it gave from ‘being alone’ - although of course, it was still unforgettable to me that, my daemon being me and all interactions coming from and only being perceptible by me, I was still alone - the sense that I valued, saw, and still was myself at a time where I had very much lost all of that elsewhere was invaluable for getting through that.

My daemon had a name, mostly, and a gender, mostly, and a few forms that were right, mostly. He didn’t do much but provide imagined cuddles from an animal companion friend - I really remember something  I did regularly where I’d imagine leaning our foreheads together - but I remember feeling at least sometimes happy and content as a result of the whole thing. But he wasn’t quite what people on TDF would’ve called a daemon.

Firstly, as much as I liked the idea of having an animal to identify my persona, my self, by, I didn’t like the idea of “settling” in one form. “Settling” indicated being an adult in Phillip Pullman’s series, which I have always reviled becoming and now being. That is, perhaps, a story for another time. Beyond that, it felt limiting - let’s put a pin in that one, too, though only for later in this post.

Secondly, my daemon occasionally wasn’t an animalic shape. In one vivid memory, I danced in my aunt’s kitchen when I was home alone one evening with my daemon in the form of N Harmonia from Pokemon. Is N Harmonia even someone I think is close in personality to myself, and thereby a fitting depiction of myself? Not at all, although I do think we’d be excellent friends.

Thirdly - here’s the woo warning for folks who’ve missed that my blog is witchy - I started having the sense that my daemon wasn’t “just” this thoughtform expression of my soul. I remember feeling like having this thoughtform that was me projected was sort of this... shell of my own self, that then this entity from very far away - in space, in time, from another life, who knows, it’s complicated, I never even felt comfortable saying whether it was real or not - I felt very connected to because we were of similar soul energy could inhabit. That was very much not related to daemianism. A pin here for later in post, too.

I don’t totally remember why my focus on daemianism waned for a bit after that. Things didn’t really get better for me, but my fixations do tend to move around. It may well just be that I got better enough to start playing video games again, and was checked out from my surroundings where a daemon would be projected to remind me where he was. Or it might have just started bothering me too much that he wasn’t “real” in so far as he couldn’t/didn’t exist outside what I projected.

It bothers me that I have to create and maintain so much of the things that bring value to my life myself. It’s exhausting. And those things don’t feel as real as things that exist independent of me and my influence. There’s power in “I invented that” and there’s a kind of resignation about one’s world in “I had to invent that, because it wasn’t there but I wanted so very much for it to be”.

And while there’s others out there, obviously, doing this whole daemianism thing, was that what I was doing anyway? Clearly I was taking it my own direction... or at least, combining it with other non-daemianism things that made it distinctly not quite exactly daemianism.

So while I’ve off and on projected my daemon back into the space around me - that’s the term for imagining and “seeing in your mind’s eye” your daemon existing in and interacting with your environment around you - since then, I haven’t done nearly as much.

I’m picking it back up recently and finding it rather difficult.

Some of the things I established as fitting and suitable back then, while still suitable and true in some lights, are hidden under a complicated tangle of things that don’t make them untrue but certainly obscure or make the way to the situations and perspectives where that truth is apparent difficult. There are roads I don’t walk anymore, even though those roads and how I’d walk them are still important to me. There are many roads I walk now that ...could? should? be acknowledged now that mean nothing to me but resentment that they’re where I walk. I still feel I am the same person I was; I just feel like I never get the same sorts of opportunities to be myself. 

So the forms’ fittingness to my personality feel a bit tangled in the context of my life I can’t control, where embracing that tangle feels like a near final step of losing myself. The name is roughly the same; I want a name that feels right and conveys something, and anyone who’s ever named anything to convey a meaning probably has experienced that problem.

And I can’t focus on forms suiting myself entirely, because I’m still bothered by knowledge of how a form is perceived popularly - or because of an animal’s popularity. That in and of itself feels like misrepresentation or miscommunication; I’m not able to communicate why I really feel that is right because there’s an assumption it’s what I chose consciously or unconsciously because it was popular; I’m not able to communicate through that sense of the popular thing that I feel incredibly different and disconnected from others; I’m not able to communicate what I’m saying because the most accurate denotative and personal connotative vocabulary I can find to communicate is full of connotations I don’t mean to others.

Let’s not even start with pronouns, alright?

But I think something in particular that’s frustrating is that daemianism is not the only thing on my mind when I think:

1. representation of the self

2. a form to indicate the self on an entity with malleable form

3. thoughtforms

4. animal representations of the self

I neither want to compartmentalize nor combine daemianism & daemons with witchcraft/paganism familiars/fetches, my polymorphic shapeshifter Otherkinity, souls, thoughtforms, and entities I may or may not share some kind of special soul-energy-woo bond with.

I don’t want to separate what has a resonance - except that resonance, frustratingly, sometimes shifts.

I don’t want to combine what could be varied and interesting, because now any community or representation of that thing is no longer what I am doing or can speak about and find any sense of connection through - or worse, what I am now taken to be misrepresenting or ill-informed about.

And this is the frustration of the experienced, visible here but far from exclusive to daemianism, spirit work, et al in my life: what I know I cannot but help connect to what else I know.

Connecting what  I know to what I know alters forever what I do and feel about what I know and what I learn next. I have opinions and feelings about so many things, and everything I encounter is layered upon my opinions and feelings about it all.

And I feel like that connection isolates me from ever being able to appreciate and participate in something new and fresh.

It isolates me from being able to connect to the experiences of someone else who doesn’t have the connections and syncretic perceptions that I do.

I never wish to be someone I’m not, but I frequently wish to be less experienced than I am.

*I don’t think ‘new’ is the word I wanted here, but I couldn’t find it. After the post, I feel fine recording that what I wanted to reflect was not just that something was new and exciting, but also that something was able to be fresh and untainted; able to be its own thing viewed on its own terms without being conflated, connected, or tied to anything else.

[jubilantwriter]

jasper woos a couple of cryptids the au - also known as CreepyPasta AU

[Context/Summary: Jasper has been living by himself for quite some time now.  College said that he’d lead a promising life, but all he’s gotten was a mediocre job that barely pays enough, a rinky-dink house his mom left for him before her untimely death, and the crippling, depressing, crushing feeling of loneliness that seems to permeate from his entire being.  After watching a few cooking videos on YouTube, he begins his foray into the culinary crafts with a meager pantry in hopes of connecting with others and cultivating a new hobby to stave off the bleakness he feels.  However, the woods by his home house a little secret that watches him every episode, and as his camcorder catches glimpses of the creature, he begins to dub the creature “The Pale Man” and feeding it his leftovers.

Of course, it’s probably just a raccoon, and the figure is just a result of his overactive imagination and experimental uses of weed.  

...Probably.]

////

The rain pounds heavily against his window. Jasper looks up from his chopping, ignoring the red blinking light coming from his shitty camcorder and frowning as the rain beats out a rhythm.  It's raining hard enough that even the treetops outside in his backyard would fail to provide a proper shelter for anything hiding beneath them.  A bit of worry wells up in his chest.

"Uhh, change of plans, guys."  He grabs his camcorder from where it sits precariously on a stack of books and magazines, sliding the strap past his hand and onto his arm where it sits snug enough to stay still, but not enough to break the already flimsy strap.  "Pantry lasagna is canceled. It's pantry canned soup night."  He grabs a can of tomato soup and idly wonders if he has time to boil some eggs, cracking it open and pouring its contents into a bowl.  With a quick movement, he shoves the bowl into his microwave and nukes it for a good five minutes, tossing a paper towel over top of it to keep the soup from splattering everywhere. The blinking red light catches his attention as he sidesteps to his fridge for some eggs.  Boiled eggs are good and all, but maybe the Pale Man would like a change of pace?  Bread goes good with tomato soup AND yolky eggs.  "Remember kids," he says as he grabs four eggs in each hand, "too much of a good thing is a bad thing, unless you're a big ol' Pale Man."  Oil is splashed onto a pan as he quickly begins the process of cracking eggs into a less than heated pan.  "Oh that was probably a bad idea," he mumbles, camera lens pointed at the ground. "Also remember to wait for your pan to heat up before you crack eight eggs into it."

The rain continues to pound like an annoying aunt knocking on his door.  He's tempted to yell at the rain to go away, but that might just scare the Pale Man off.  The microwave beeps, and he yanks it open and yells as the scalding hot bowl burns his hands.

"Fucking-!  And don't forget to use protection when you're fffucking taking things out from the instant goddamn oven from hell."  The eggs begin to sizzle as he grabs the sleeves of his hoodie tied loosely around his waist and carefully pulls out the bowl of soup with the makeshift oven mitts. With a quick wave of his hand, the paper towel is knocked off and he gets a whiff of mediocre tomato soup.  Idly, he thinks he can do better, give the Pale Man something better, but his emptying fridge speaks volumes for his wallet.  

The eggs continue to sizzle.

He remembers a trick he saw once from a video - carefully pour a bit of water into the pan to create steam and cover the eggs with a lid, letting the whites on top cook.  A risky gambit if he's not careful, but when has he ever been careful?

He grabs a cup and quickly fills the bottom bit of it with water, pausing long enough to remember to address his audience.  "Something something water creates steam which uhhh helps the egg whites cook and- here, just look."  He slides the camcorder from his arm to his hand and pours the water carefully around the edges of the eggs.  Before it can splatter oil all over him and his stove, he covers the pan with a lid and lowers the heat just enough.

"Voila, steam.  Dudes at home gotta be careful though- you can probably start a kitchen fire this way if you're not.  So like, just eat a little bit of raw egg whites until you're good enough for this skill.  It's not gonna kill you probably.  Or just scrape it off.  I'm not judging.  Just like, don't die."

It's exhausting narrating all the time to the empty air.  Normally, he'd feel a pair of eyes settling on his back as he cooked, and he'd feel just a little... less lonely as he spoke into the air.  But now.  With the rain pattering so loudly against his window.

He looks out into the forest behind his house.

His audience must be feeling cold and wet by now.

He grabs his largest plate and removes the lid, turning the stove off as the camcorder slides back onto his arm, lens face down as he grabs a spatula to aid in the egg removal.  As he stares at the meal in front of him, he wonders if the smell alone will be enough to coax the Pale Man out of hiding.  But habits are habits for a reason, he supposes.  He kicks his backdoor open, soup and plate in hand as he carefully sets both down and turns his back.

It only takes a few seconds usually.

And usually, the Pale Man makes his getaway when Jasper has his back turned.

But.

A single splash.

That's all he needs.

A single splash, and Jasper turns on his heels to come face to face with a creature hunched over, spindly, pale fingers with curled and claw-like nails reaching towards the eggs and soup.  The creature freezes, eyes bright and shining like the LED high beams of fancy cars that blind Jasper as he drives at night.  LED lights that have just the slightest tinge of blue to them, like they could be white if he let the lights blind him enough, but with that slightest bit of blue that lets Jasper know that the lights aren't meant to like normal lights.  Encasing those bright eyes is a pool of black nothing, a face that is faceless to everyone but him as he feels like staring into the shadows themselves. 

But.

There's a mouth, barely hidden, fangs and teeth bared in a grimace that Jasper can't tell is a sign of discomfort, or aggressiveness, or fear.  And strangely enough, what looks like blonde hair is plastered against the creatures head, soaked and darkened by the rain that continues to plummet from the sky above them.  Clothes too small and torn cling to the creature's lanky frame, the Pale Man still managing to be eye level with Jasper despite being hunched over.  He can only imagine how tall the Pale Man must be if he stood at his full height.

For a moment, the two of them merely stare at each other.  

So.

The Pale Man isn't a hallucination after all.

Jasper blinks and tilts his head to the side, trying to see more of this creature that's been gracing him with his presence since... well, he can't be completely sure, now can he?

The Pale Man blinks slowly, before realizing that Jasper still hasn't moved and decides to make the first move.  The creature lets out a high, terrified whine before stumbling backwards, away from Jasper, away from the hot food that Jasper made just for him.

"Wait!"  He reaches out to the creature, lurching forward and avoiding the food with a stumble, tripping into the rain and mud as he feels the cold drip into his clothes and into his hair, the clothing plastering itself quickly to his skin as his bangs obscure his vision.  But his hand feels something cold, almost leathery but not quite, slick with rainwater and solid and trying desperately to be warm as Jasper take his free hand to brush his bangs out of his face and-

Ah.

So the Pale Man's face isn't actually made of shadows.  Rather, he thinks, something is hiding the Pale Man's face as he accidentally but gently cups the trembling creature's cheek in his palm.

"Heya, bud."  He chuckles softly to try and ease the creature's fear.  "It's alright."

The Pale Man blinks, and Jasper realizes that his eyes don't blind him like he expects.  Sure, they're bright as hell and if he stares for too long, he's sure his eyes won't like the strain.

But the light is different from high beams in the night.  The slight blue tinge is clearer up close, he realizes, and the more he stares, the more he realizes.

"...You know, you have the prettiest eyes I've ever seen."

The Pale Man's eyes widen as he stares into Jasper's eyes, and he can see that they glow in the night sky, glow and shine just a bit of light on Jasper's face, and he bets that the light reflects off his wet face like a scene from a movie, carefully choreographed to highlight the best features of his face.

He wonders for a moment what the Pale Man sees.  If he sees the best parts of Jasper's face and likes what he sees.  

Jasper gently brushes the Pale Man's bangs out of his pretty, glowing eyes and smiles.  

"Food tastes better hot and warm, and also when you're not sitting in the mud and rain.  You wanna come inside with me?"

For a moment, he thinks the Pale Man will bolt.  He's bolted dozens of times before.  There was only one time, one time he didn't bolt.

When Jasper was at his lowest point, completely fucked on some whackass weed that probably wasn't weed, face down on the cement and quietly hoping he would die because life wasn't worth this amount of loneliness and suffering and dry ramen noodles that he doesn't have the energy to properly cook.  But then something sat down next to him, ate his offered ramen noodles that he didn't have the energy to cook, and sat with him until he could talk, until he didn't feel like decomposing on the spot, until he could move again and force himself to eat something that wasn't dry ramen noodles spiced with powder from a foil bag.  

Back when he thought he was talking to a raccoon and hallucinating wildly by himself.

Except he wasn't by himself.

And he hasn't been by himself.

And making videos to pass the time and feign human relationships felt less and less like a desperate bid for attention, and more and more like a way to finally reach out to someone and connect with them.

Suddenly talking to the open air wasn't as depressing as it used to be.

The Pale Man slowly stands up, hunched over as Jasper's hand remains cupping his cheek as he nods quietly.

"...okay."  His voice comes out raspy, unused, and like he's speaking through a broken TV speaker.  But Jasper finds that he doesn't mind.

In fact, he quite likes the sound of it, actually.

"So the Pale Man has a voice after all!"

The Pale Man doesn't answer, but ducks his head in an embarrassed sort of manner.  He doesn't bolt though, and Jasper moves his hand down to take one of the Pale Man's bony and pale hands.  

"Let's get you inside, where we can dry you off and get you warmed up."  He squeezes the Pale Man's hand gently, and feels a warmth blossom in his chest when the Pale Man squeezes back tentatively.  They walk back to his house as their footsteps slosh and splash in tandem with one another.  The Pale Man's bones creak and crack and Jasper can only imagine what sleeping in a forest can do to one's body.  If he lets go now, will he just go back to the forest?  

To be cold, and creaky, and silent?

And lonely?

Jasper holds tighter to his hand.

He never lets go of the Pale Man's hand.

And the Pale Man clings desperately to his.  

He takes the bowl of soup, and the Pale Man takes the eggs with a human sort of grace that lays just a tiny bit of curiosity in Jasper.

But he can dig into that later, he thinks.  

Instead, as he stands there with a cooling bowl of soup in one hand, and a soggy, dripping wet Pale Man in the other, he figures that the first thing he should do is grab some towels.

Maybe some blankets.

Toast some bread.

And probably turn off his camcorder.

[jenetica]

A Brief Note from Our Sponsors: Us.

Greetings! If you’re here, it’s likely that you have questions or complaints about our decisions regarding the Calendar Girls series. An ominous start to this discussion, but truly, we welcome you! If you’re here, it means you have been emotionally impacted by our work and, even though this context isn’t the cheeriest, we are so, so grateful you (1) enjoyed our work enough to care about it, and (2) want to develop a better understanding of our process so that you can engage with Calendar Girl more.

First of all, we understand why you’d be upset with us! The cliffhanger at the end of AotM was a DOOZY and leaves a LOT of important questions unanswered, and we left you readers hanging for a LONG time. This post will, hopefully, assuage the worst of your fears without giving away too many plot points.

That being said, please note that there WILL be spoilers ahead. If you want to see the story unfold as we intended, do NOT read this post further. We will tell you now that the post addresses the Deadpool’s identity, our decisions regarding the construction of AotM and the final cliffhanger, our decisions regarding developing the sequel as a prequel, and our plans for future installments. And, naturally, the accusations of “queerbaiting.”

Let’s get started.

QUEERBAITING

It makes sense to open with the most serious issue, so let’s talk about queerbaiting. For anyone here who doesn’t know, queerbaiting is defined as the purposeful insinuation of a homosexual/queer relationship, only to backtrack/subvert that insinuation to avoid the queer relationship. For an example, see: Supernatural from Season 4 and on. 

We have received accusations of queerbaiting for about four years, based exclusively on the reveal at the end of the final chapter. Similarly, we have received complaints that we duped readers into reading hetfic. So, to get things out of the way, yes, Deadpool is Gwen. No, it’s not a trick of the light, or a mistake, or some odd resemblance. They are one and the same. HOWEVER, that does NOT mean that we have queerbaited anyone.

First of all, the tags of the story are honest, and they always have been. AotM is tagged as a “Multi” fic, meaning that there are relationships of multiple orientations involved, and it is tagged with Peter/Gwen as well as Peter/Wade. Careless Whisper is tagged as F/M. We have never suggested or implied that the story would exclusively be slash fiction. We actually left multiple hints that Wade enjoyed femininity, at least as a practice, if not an identity. iFlail and I discussed this issue at length as we wrote/edited AotM and carefully crafted the story with queerbaiting in mind. 

Peter is an unreliable narrator, he always has been, and he always will be. In AotM, Peter assumes Wade is a man and thus, for the purposes of the narrative, Wade is one. The truth, however, is less clean than that. We won’t get into the details here, but safe to say, gender is not binary, it is not permanent, and it is not inexorably linked to one’s biology. Wade has a complicated history and a complicated/unique sense of identity. We have always intended for him to be that way, just as we always intended for him to be notably, pointedly smaller than Peter. 

The accusations of queerbaiting and/or conning readers into reading “het” fic are exclusionary of the greater conversation of gender identity. It was, frankly, disheartening to see so many people assume heterosexuality based exclusively on the last word of AotM. We hope that our work will challenge readers to be more mindful of the expansive world of gender, and to avoid assuming that a specific kind of pairing might involve specific kinds of body parts.

If you have any questions or reservations about our queerbaiting at this point, you are either welcome to keep reading future installments of this work to learn more, or you are welcome to stop altogether. The choice is yours. 

CONSTRUCTING THE STORY ARC - PRESENT, PAST, AND FUTURE

With that hot-button topic out of the way, let’s talk about the greater concept of ending a story of a cliffhanger, our thoughts behind building this series, and our goals for future installments. 

The second part of the Calendar Girl series, Careless Whisper, was written first, and it comes first chronologically. I (Jenetica) initially worked on the story by myself, as an exploration into the concept of “Gwen becoming Deadpool” to see how it might play out. I ended up writing a story I loved, so I moved onto the next part of the story, set four years later. This ended up becoming Angel of the Morning. 

@iflailfic, a good IRL friend of mine from college, came onboard (after I wooed her with several stories worth of porn, as you can see through a jaunt through my posted works) to help me edit. She fell in love with AotM and, as we worked on first draft edits, she floated the idea of AotM coming before Careless Whisper. Honestly, I rejected the idea at first (not sure if she actually knows/remembers that part, lol), because I couldn’t fathom how we would be able to link the parts of the story together. But, eventually, I began to realize her point: AotM introduces our protagonists, develops the “current” world for the series, and has a more dynamic/engaging plot. 

The cliffhanger was a joke at first. My idea. I think my exact words were something like, “LOLOL what if we just ended on ‘GWEN?’ OMG IMAGINE hahahahaha.” But, as we continued to edit… it became the perfect way to end things. Anything that came after that point felt like trash. If we’d expanded any further, we ran the risk of falling headfirst into Part 3 and doubling the size of AotM. Let’s be real, the ending is, all waiting aside, an absolute nuclear bomb on the rest of the story. 

We talked about the likelihood of enraged readers. But we rationalized it by telling each other/ourselves that we had Careless Whisper written, so the wait wouldn’t be too killer.

Best laid plans.

I (Jenetica) take full responsibility for the time it took to start posting again. Over the last four years, I have gone through a number of experiences that challenged my sense of self and pushed me to become a different person, including moving halfway across the country, attending a relatively prestigious law school where I was no longer “the smart kid in the room,” and losing the relationship that I later learned was toxic and abusive. I lost my confidence in a number of ways, including my confidence as a writer. I became terrified that I would never produce anything that lived up to AotM, and that I would disappoint the many (many!) readers demanding answers. Luckily for me, through that adversity I found rewarding friendships, a beautiful partner who treats me the way I’d always fantasized/written about people like me getting treated, and an engaging career that leaves me with enough energy to write. My experiences are mirrored by iFlail, who went through a different, but similarly life-changing, series of events. But through this all, we never lost hope in this story, and we always planned to complete the series. We are wiser, stronger people now, and we both believe that the story will be richer for it. 

Which brings us to now, and our plans for the future. We do NOT intend to wait another four years to post X Gon’ Give It To Ya, the third and final installment of the series. We have spent countless hours brainstorming the plot, and all that’s really left to do is put it to paper. But, for people who are afraid of being burned twice, we will warn you now that Careless Whisper is JUST a prequel. If you want to know what happens after the “Gwen?” reveal, you will not get any answers until XGGITY (which I have, as of just now, decided to pronounce as “Ziggity”). We hope you stick around to watch Careless Whisper unfold, but we will understand if you want to wait until XGGITY to start reading again.

IN CONCLUSION - FINAL THOUGHTS

The Calendar Girl series has received more attention than we’d ever dreamed, and regardless of whether you liked or disliked our work, we want to thank you for taking the time to read it. If you made it to the end of AotM, we did something right, and again, we are so grateful that so many people have stuck with us this far.

We encourage everyone, moving forward, to keep a close eye on the tags that we use for our stories. We may not tag everything relevant, for the sake of preserving mystery about the plot, but we will be sure to tag everything that may be triggering or concerning, like self-harm, violence, or expected brand of romantic/sexual interactions. We will be adding this warning to the beginning of each story in the series.

Additionally, we want to acknowledge that there is a stark difference between legitimate concerns about the story and unfounded attacks on our character. Our decision to make this post is our attempt to dissuade the latter: We are not queerbaiting, and we have no interest in “forcing” people to read content that is not to their taste. However, that doesn’t mean that our execution of AotM, Careless Whisper, and/or XGGITY will be beyond reproach. The conversation on gender politics has evolved tremendously over the years that we’ve been working on this series, and it will undoubtedly continue to evolve as we progress into the future. We encourage constructive (!!!) criticism and open conversation on ways that we can improve our story, even if it involves tweaking published work to avoid mishandling deeply personal issues.

That said, if, after reading this post, you are still upset and/or unconvinced about our intentions for this series, we encourage you to stop reading it. We are not compensated for this work, and we have spent hundreds (probably thousands, by now) of hours striving to make the Calendar Girl series the best that it can be, for our own benefit. We believe that it may be the best fanfiction we will ever produce, and our satisfaction with our work is our priority. We will continue to post with that priority at the forefront, and with the demands of our reader base playing second fiddle. Similarly, we expect our readers to prioritize their needs above all others. We ask for your patience and your kindness moving forward and, if you cannot give us that, you are welcome to close the tab and move on with your life to other ventures that suit your interests better.

For those of you that choose to stay: You are in for a hell of a ride. We are both anxious to get through Careless Whisper, because we are both SO excited to share XGGITY with you. We believe it’s going to knock your socks off. We hope to see you there. 

Thanks, everyone, and happy reading!

[f4liveblogarchives]

Fantastic Four Vol 1 #225

Thu Apr 29 2020 [10:09 PM] Wack'd: So the first two and two-thirds pages are something strange. Or I guess they're strange from an in universe perspective. [10:10 PM] Wack'd: It's basically a condensed version of the back half of the previous issue, rather than  a recap. So reading these back to back it feels like everyone's reliving a slightly different, slightly faster version of the same events. [10:10 PM] Bocaj: Yeah that happens [10:11 PM] Bocaj: I complain about comics not establishing context with recap pages enough that I can’t really say boo about this kind of thing [10:11 PM] Aleph Null: it’s just a jump to the left [10:11 PM] Aleph Null: and then a step to the right [10:11 PM] Wack'd: I think I might actually prefer it to the writer clumsily trying to give all of this information again in dialogue? [10:12 PM] Wack'd: It's basically a previously-on. [10:12 PM] Wack'd: Though the fact that it's not really marked as such is weird [10:12 PM] Bocaj: Like Aleph’s Japanese animes [10:12 PM] maxwellelvis: Remember recap pages? [10:13 PM] Bocaj: I’ve heard of them [10:14 PM] Wack'd: I think also what's throwing me is that they try to hit some of the same dramatic beats again? Like, you're not really going to convince me "the blind king weeps in crimson" is vital story information

[10:15 PM] maxwellelvis: Because it sounds cool [10:15 PM] Bocaj: Well that’s nightmare fuel [10:16 PM] Wack'd: Anyway, I've spent a weirdly long time talking about a recap, but I this is probably the normal amount of time I spend on the first three pages so be glad you're still getting content I guess [10:17 PM] Bocaj: I do like content [10:19 PM] Wack'd: Interesting thing about reading these blind and relaying that to you is that it's hard to know in the moment what information will and won't be relevant. For instance, I didn't really make much of this scene last issue:

[10:20 PM] Wack'd: But I wish I had, because it makes this moment look friggin bonkers in context:

[10:20 PM] maxwellelvis: "Consistency? What's that?" [10:21 PM] Wack'd: We've hit a new level of Sue as a blank-slate stock-woman-character: the same writer is making her either a nag or a worrywart one issue apart basically on a whim. [10:22 PM] Wack'd: Also: "just wants a normal life" Sue is the most boring version of Sue [10:23 PM] Bocaj: Just a receptacle for women stereotypes? [10:23 PM] Wack'd: Moreorless, yeah [10:23 PM] Umbramatic: the Ur-Woman-Stereotype [10:23 PM] Bocaj: Boo [10:23 PM] Bocaj: Defined personality women are great [10:24 PM] Wack'd: Agreed [10:24 PM] Wack'd: Moving along, we get a very long-winded explanation of the exact science of how this place works which I'm sure makes complete sense [10:24 PM] Bocaj: Science in comics is always to the highest standards [10:24 PM] Bocaj: Always [10:26 PM] Wack'd: Reed is like "I'm not really fine with being threatened and woulda saved your life anyway" and Korgon's like "y'know what, I trust you, we're cool now" [10:26 PM] Bocaj: See: he shoulda just said please to begin with [10:26 PM] maxwellelvis: "Oh, I shoulda thought'a that" [10:27 PM] Wack'd: Ha! He really does just send Vikings to go shopping for him

[10:27 PM] Bocaj: God. In a modern comic we’d see some Vikings at the supermarket and it would be great [10:29 PM] Wack'd: Have I mentioned yet Doug Moench seems to *really like science*

[10:30 PM] Bocaj: SCIENCE! :D [10:30 PM] maxwellelvis: Nah, like, not superscience. Real science. [10:30 PM] Umbramatic: i am glad that reaction image is making the rounds [10:31 PM] Wack'd: So Reed does a lot of research and asks a lot of questions and thinks really hard (all in narrative captions, you're not missing much) and eventually he's finally ready to operate! [10:31 PM] Bocaj: Woo [10:32 PM] Wack'd: Buuuuuut the Four's powers go haywire again. Korgon has a machine that cures them of the radiation to stabilize them, but Wiglif--suspicious guy from earlier--thinks they just wanna be at full strength so they can kill Korgon and escape. [10:33 PM] Bocaj: Dammit Wiglif! That’s such a Wiglif thing to think! [10:33 PM] Wack'd: To shut him up, Korgon gives Hrolf--trusting guy from earlier--a "Darkfield Rod" that will nullify their powers if they try any funny business. [10:34 PM] Wack'd: And then Korgon immediately falls unconscious. [10:34 PM] Umbramatic: that doesn't sound omnious at all [10:34 PM] maxwellelvis: I give it five minutes before Wiglif tries to steal it. [10:34 PM] maxwellelvis: NO! Five PANELS [10:35 PM] Wack'd: To be generous I will not count these three where we cut to Asgard

[10:35 PM] Bocaj: Oh hi Thor [10:36 PM] Bocaj: I didn’t know you’d be in this book [10:36 PM] Wack'd: "Just considering a crossover, m'boy! I just got the faintest whiff some other book is stealing our shtick!" [10:36 PM] Bocaj: I’m going to be imagining Odin speaking like the king of Hyrule forever now [10:37 PM] Bocaj: I want you to know what you’ve done [10:37 PM] Wack'd: I apologize for nothing [10:37 PM] Bocaj: =__= [10:37 PM] maxwellelvis: Sorry not sorry [10:37 PM] Wack'd: Anyway they do the procedure and we're not sure if it works. And then another cutaway! Sorry max it's been more than five panels [10:38 PM] Umbramatic: vsfb jnjgfdmkb ;zgl,;.' n [10:38 PM] Bocaj: To the punishment dome with you [10:39 PM] maxwellelvis: *the dome.gif* [10:39 PM] Wack'd: Hey what the heck does that third panel mean? Did...did Alicia just get a vision of the North Pole? Or, like...uh...I actually don't have a second guess

[10:41 PM] Bocaj: When did Alicia brunette [10:41 PM] maxwellelvis: She overshaded her hair this morning [10:41 PM] Wack'd: It's been orange for a while now, too [10:42 PM] Bocaj: She’s supposed to be close enough to Sue that she can be a bad imposter [10:42 PM] Umbramatic: technicolor anime hair [10:42 PM] Bocaj: It’s the foundation of a good 60% of the things I mock Johnny for [10:42 PM] Wack'd: I think we're all okay quietly forgetting that except you for some reason [10:42 PM] Bocaj: See also 60% [10:42 PM] Wack'd: Mocking Johnny is admittedly a pretty good reason [10:43 PM] Wack'd: Ben also had a crush on Sue in the very early days if you want to take that ball and run with it [10:43 PM] Bocaj: It definitely has layers [10:43 PM] maxwellelvis: You've both made it weird. [10:43 PM] Wack'd: Anyway the procedure worked! Probably! Korgon decides he's just gonna assume it worked.

[10:44 PM] maxwellelvis: Was he always that tall? [10:44 PM] Umbramatic: always a safe bet [10:44 PM] Wack'd: (Y'ever notice Reed's the only one who ever grows even a little facial hair? Did Johnny just never go through puberty from the neck up?) [10:45 PM] Wack'd: @maxwellelvis : Yeah, we've just seen him laying down on a nebulously high platform so far. Ben remarks on seeing him for the first time he's like 15 feet [10:45 PM] maxwellelvis: I think he just shaves regularly to keep up his heartthrob gimmick. [10:46 PM] Bocaj: Here’s Johnny with a beard [10:46 PM] maxwellelvis: When he gets on in years, he's probably planning to let it grow out so that the Human Torch can have a *flaming beard* [10:46 PM] Bocaj: How much do you hate this? [10:46 PM] maxwellelvis: Like that. [10:46 PM] Wack'd: Sure, but if Reed has stubble from tirelessly working on this procedure...well, I guess Johnny mighta found time to shave [10:46 PM] maxwellelvis: He can just burn stubble off and they're in a literal house of mirrors. [10:46 PM] Wack'd: That's not a bad look on him. He's like the hot version of a grizzled old sailor [10:47 PM] Umbramatic: dilf [10:47 PM] maxwellelvis: I want to imagine someone said to him at some point, "Okay, but consider: A beard of FIRE!" [10:48 PM] Wack'd: I feel like "flaming beard" is a gay joke somehow but like. If Johnny has a partner who's overtly stereotypically homosexual that's the opposite of a beard? [10:48 PM] Wack'd: Unless he doesn't want people to know he's straight, I guess [10:48 PM] Bocaj: Beard of FIRE? [10:48 PM] maxwellelvis: I mean he probably has some sort of LGBT following. [10:49 PM] maxwellelvis: Chamber? What are you doing in Japan? [10:49 PM] Wack'd: One of my earliest exposures to this character outside of the Story films was an essay on why he's definitely gay, so [10:49 PM] Bocaj: Having a flaming beard [10:51 PM] Wack'd: I tried Google to find the essay but it turned out the one piece of corroborating evidence I remember it is one that literally the entire Internet has picked up on at some point [10:52 PM] Wack'd: Do yourself a favor, google "johnny storm fire island". Or don't, and let it be a pleasant surprise in like 90 issues. [10:52 PM] Bocaj: Can doooo [10:52 PM] Bocaj: The latter [10:54 PM] Wack'd: "I think I might be Satan, we should talk about that later" is not a good way to make me eager to talk to you later

[10:56 PM] Wack'd: While everybody else is celebrating, Korgon loads up enough radiation to keep this place running for another hundred years, and then asks Reed to make him mortal again [10:56 PM] Wack'd: Wiglif ovehears and is going to do something sneaky [10:57 PM] Wack'd: The next day Reed tries it, but someone tampered with the machine overnight. Gee I wonder [10:58 PM] Wack'd: Anyway Korgon is now more powerful than ever and fucking pissed [10:58 PM] Bocaj: Dammit Wiglif! [11:00 PM] Wack'd: 'If you press this red button, you get godlike powers and life-giving laser beams, BUT everything looks real spooky forever"

[11:00 PM] maxwellelvis: *Sweating superhero guy* [11:00 PM] Bocaj: I mean you take the bad you take the good you take what’s left and there you have [11:01 PM] Bocaj: Spooky shadow monsters [11:01 PM] Wack'd: The fantasts of life [11:01 PM] Umbramatic: fucking paralasys demons [11:02 PM] Wack'd: Haha WHOOPS

[11:02 PM] Umbramatic: gee willikers, that was a curveball [11:03 PM] Wack'd: Anyway from here things get predictable [11:04 PM] Bocaj: Fucking Wiglif [11:04 PM] Wack'd: There's a fight, it looks like the Four are doomed, Thor shows up, the tide is turned [11:05 PM] Wack'd: For some reason when I first glanced at this panel I thought that second speech bubble was coming from one of the Vikings

[11:05 PM] Bocaj: Yay Thor [11:05 PM] Wack'd: "Uh, boss. Hey. You get that's the literal god of thunder, right? And you want us to, what, shoot him with lasers? Maybe think about this?" [11:06 PM] Bocaj: Lasers are just light and Thor’s Baldrother shines lights out of his armpits [11:07 PM] Wack'd: Korgon is so pissed by his impending defeat he's just like "fuck this, I'm just gonna destroy everything, including this dome" [11:08 PM] Bocaj: Hey sometimes you gotta cut your losses [11:08 PM] Wack'd: Wiglif: 😟 [11:10 PM] Wack'd: The Four and Thor are at a loss so Thor summons Odin [11:11 PM] Wack'd: 

[11:13 PM] Wack'd: This is kind of a solution for a different problem than Korgon has. Like. He doesn't want to be a God? It was kind of thrust on him? I guess it's true that God needs followers and followers need a God, but if he's content to be a follower I don't really see an issue with that [11:13 PM] maxwellelvis: He also has a responsibility to these people. [11:13 PM] Wack'd: And it's not like he abandoned his people, he left them 100 years of free energy, during which time they could've solved things on their own in any number of ways [11:13 PM] Bocaj: Yeah I don’t really understand what Odin is getting at [11:14 PM] Wack'd: Also, outside the religious philosophy stuff [11:15 PM] Wack'd: It's a bit naff to just have an all powerful being show up and solve the heroes problems. Especially if it's not with superpowers but rather with delivering the intended message of the story [11:15 PM] maxwellelvis: Have the Four solved any problems on their own this entire run? [11:15 PM] Wack'd: Like you could've had Reed talk about the responsibilities of leadership or Ben talk about being a freak or Sue talk about how sacrificing a normal life can be worth it for the people you care about [11:16 PM] Wack'd: None of those would've been fresh or original but they at least would've been, you know, the main characters solving the problem of their own book [11:16 PM] maxwellelvis: They needed Gabriel to deal with Scratch, they needed Captain Marvel to deal with the Skrulls, they needed Thor to deal with Korgon [11:16 PM] Umbramatic: geez [11:17 PM] maxwellelvis: They've been reduced to guest stars in their own book! [11:17 PM] Bocaj: Oof [11:17 PM] Bocaj: FIRST FAMILY [11:18 PM] Wack'd: Things have been kind of guest cast heavy yeah! Don't know what's up with that and I suspect if you asked Moench or Sienkiewicz they wouldn't remember, besides Gabriel being Moech's baby [11:18 PM] maxwellelvis: Are there any stories from before the hiatus by them that I missed? [11:19 PM] Wack'd: It's weird thinking about the fact that I'm currently reading a run of comics that were written by guys with social media presences who seem fairly approachable [11:19 PM] Wack'd: I don't know if it would work but I could probably just ask them things if I wasn't a dick about it [11:20 PM] Wack'd: Not sure there's a kind way to be like "why are there so many guest stars in this year's worth of comics you wrote 40 years ago" but [11:21 PM] maxwellelvis: Something like, "Hey, I'm reading through your brief Fantastic Four run you had with Bill Sienkiewicz and there seem to be quite a few stories in a row where the Four's issue is solved by someone from another book? Do you remember what was up with that?" [11:21 PM] Wack'd: (Btw Moench and Sienkiewicz were doing a *Moon Knight* run simultaniously with this which is why Sue was reading an issue to Franklin last time. Go figure) [11:21 PM] maxwellelvis: Heh [11:22 PM] Umbramatic: oh huh [11:22 PM] Wack'd: Yeah there's really no way to phrase this that doesn't sound like "why did you write this so bad" [11:22 PM] Wack'd: Ah well [11:23 PM] maxwellelvis: The best-case scenario other than getting some hot scoop on the Marvel offices at that time is probably Doug Moench suddenly realizing that himself. [11:23 PM] Bocaj: Were they long term writers or doing some fill ins and one offs? [11:23 PM] maxwellelvis: They did like ten issues. [11:23 PM] Bocaj: I’m in a period of that in avengers. There’s not a lot of guest stars but they’re a lot of inconsequential issues [11:25 PM] Bocaj: Shame because there are one off villains and characters that would have been interesting to be picked up for more stuff [11:30 PM] Wack'd: Yeah, ten issues and Moench wrote an annual. [11:31 PM] Wack'd: But also, their first issue announced that we were sticking with them for a while--I suspect it was intended to be a longer run [11:31 PM] Wack'd: And then Bryne sniped them somehow

[writer-and-artist27]

A Happy Homunculus

Note: Inspired by the story ending of the Apocrypha: Inheritance of Glory Event in FGO and my feelings that came after a certain homunculus reached the limits of his power. Because as much as Apocrypha as an anime was flawed, it portrayed one of my favorite Grail Wars in the Fate franchise to date and the characters are very dear to me. 

This takes place a bit after the first oneshot that starred my main front-line Riders in Chaldea. You don’t have to read that first one for context, but it at least adds to continuity. 

A song I’ll recommend as one last note? Kazoku, the first original composition done by YouTuber and pianist Theishter. Feel free to check out his work. :) 

Now then. Feel free to enjoy this little peek into my Chaldea.

------------------------------------------

“Master, you don’t have to do this…” The tingling in his chest was indicative of embarrassment Sieg was still getting used to as he was slowly pushed into the magic circle. Despite her short stature, Vy was surprisingly adamant, brown hair flopping forward past her shoulders as she continued pushing him. “There are other Servants you can level up first…”

“That doesn’t mean neglecting you, Sieg,” Vy muttered vehemently, shaking her head enough to tilt her glasses down the bridge of her nose, exposing brown eyes that were staring at no one but him. “With all the work that comes with Singularities, more help would be appreciated. And besides,” she beamed up at him from over his shoulder, “We have all the materials and you’re worth it!”

Sieg could feel his cheeks start to burn.

Nearby in a corner, Sieg could hear Rider laugh. Achilles was snickering too, and if not for Chiron lightly tapping one of his hooves against the tile of the Enhancement Center as a chiding gesture, the laughter would probably be louder. “Go with it, Sieg!” Astolfo called after them, grinning to expose his fangs. “You’ll be great!”

“R-Rider…” Sieg said pitifully.

“You’ll be fine,” Da Vinci called from over the speakers, humming cheerily. “You’ve been through this three times already, former Custodian. And besides, this is how Vy works around here.” There was a pause before Da Vinci clicked her tongue, just in time for Vy to finish pushing Sieg into the center of the magic circle. “Well, when she’s not tired anyways.”

“Oh, ha ha, I love you too, Da Vinci,” Vy deadpanned loudly, brushing dust off the skirt of her Chaldea Standard uniform as she stepped back. Sieg gave her a single glance, and she merely smiled. “If you don’t mind, Sieg-kun.” She reached into her back pocket, pulling out a single brown leaf. The bloodstains were faded on the leaf, probably from age, but Sieg could recognize the traces anywhere. “Ready?” 

Sieg steeled his heart and nodded. “Go ahead.”

Vy gently placed the leaf near the outer rim of the circle before taking a few more steps back, swiveling her head up towards the speakers. “Da Vinci? Dr. Roman? Everything ready?”

“Just about, Vy-chan,” Romani called back, the room lights fading in exchange for letting the magic circle take the stage with its blue glow. “We’ll begin in 3, 2…”

Vy took the chance to gently throw some recently gathered embers into the circle, doing her best to avoid Sieg’s legs.

“And 1. Now beginning Ascension and Enhancement!”

Sieg felt his feet slowly leave the ground as he rose, the power flooding into him as the magic circle glowed with the energy from Chaldea’s systems. The bright flash of light flooding his eyes made Sieg look away, but once the humming in his ears faded, he belatedly realized his feet were back on the ground and his Master was inclining her head at him. The other Servants seemed to be waiting in anticipation too, considering no one else was saying anything.

“…Sieg?” Vy said hesitantly, peering up at him with nervous brown eyes past her glasses. “Are you okay?”

For the first time in a while, Sieg felt himself smile. “I’m fine, Master.”

Vy lurched back with clear surprise on her face just as Da Vinci happily called over the speakers, “Ascension Complete!” 

The lights slowly turned back on in the room just as Astolfo jumped up to cheer. “Woo! Another Fully Ascended Servant! WOO! Less work for me!”

“That’s what you cheer for?” Atalante said in astonishment, tail swishing in time with the other Servants starting to applaud. “We haven’t finished saving humanity, Rider.”

“Eh, I can cheer for something!” Astolfo was still jumping around the room, red cape and all, and if not for the person in front of him right now, Sieg would’ve been sure he would’ve been staring after his former Servant. “Let’s enjoy this!” 

Vy took a step closer, her lips pursued in a thin line as she looked up at him. “Sieg-kun?” 

Oh, right. He hadn’t said anything since the Ascension process ended. 

Sieg gently bowed his head towards Vy with the same smile, being unable to deny the warmth in his chest. Even when his Master started to squeak from the same surprise from before, he opened his mouth and spoke honestly. “I… I never imagined you would go so far for me. I don’t know what to do other than to show my appreciation. Anyway, Master… thank you.”

Vy went silent at that, a confused noise stuck in her throat.

Sieg raised his head to give her a wider smile. It felt somewhat strange for a homunculus like him to feel so human, but, maybe, maybe, with someone like her as his Master… “Thank you, Vy. My friend. You’ve made this homunculus the happiest person on Earth.”

The last thing Sieg expected was for Vy to start crying.

The tears were slow in forming. But once they were budding in the corners of her eyes and falling to the floor of Chaldea’s Enhancement Center, all the Servant banter stopped. 

“Master?” Marie Antoinette said softly.

Vy sniffled and covered her eyes with her hands, the motion enough to jostle her glasses and snap everyone out of whatever stupor they were in. 

“M-Master?!” Sieg said, feeling the smile drop off his face. “Did I say something—”

“You silly Servant!” Vy cried loudly, and before Sieg knew it, she was ducking her head and barrelling into him, for lack of better words. Sieg barely felt the pain, but the tears starting to soak into the shoulder of his suit was unmistakable. “Th-Thank you… thank you… I-I…I never heard anyone say that b-before, so,” a sob cut off Vy’s words as she hid herself in Sieg’s front. “I really h-hope I-I can keep making you h-h-happy…” 

Sieg could barely move his arms as Vy wound hers around his waist. “Master…”

“Oh, senpai,” Mash said suddenly, tears in her eyes too as she ran over to join the hug. Her weight was barely noticeable as she draped an arm around Vy’s shoulders, shaking her head. “Don’t c-cry. You’ve always made everyone here happy.”

“H-Have I, Mash?” Vy squeaked out from Sieg’s shirt, and by then, Sieg could feel the other Servants start to move around, whether it was barking out orders to EMIYA for Vy’s favorites in the kitchen, others scurrying around for blankets, something. “I-I sleep in a lot, I can’t farm materials all the time, my head hurts when we go out into Singularities, and a lot of Servants are still at their first Ascensions…! I-I need to work harder, if just to please the King in Babylonia, to s-save everybody, a-and…”

Before Sieg could say anything, Rider was suddenly there, smiling brighter than anyone else and jumping on his back to add, “Take it easy, Master! We got time! We Servants can wait, so let’s enjoy this!”

“A-Astolfo…” Vy then devolved into sniffling.

Sieg meanwhile could barely complain about the weight when it was Rider saying such things. Take it upon his old companion to say things without care. 

A pause.

Marie Antoinette nearby nudged someone and it was enough to prompt something. “…I may have asked you to be faster on your feet than me in our first meeting, but that does not mean over-exhausting yourself, Master.” Atalante’s voice was cool when striding over and joining into the group hug, arms wrapping around Vy’s back and brushing past Mash’s grip. “It wouldn’t help us if we lost you.” 

Vy looked up at the Huntress and whimpered, eyes watering faster with the sentiment. “A-Atalante-saaaaaan…” 

Atalante hummed, closing her eyes and tightening the hug as her tail gently swayed back and forth behind her skirt in a swishing motion.

Soon enough, Achilles of all people was the last one to join in, wrapping his arms around Sieg and with one small, “Oof,” he then somehow lifted everyone present into the air. 

This was surprising.

“A-Achilles?!” Mash squealed, hanging onto Vy for dear life. Vy let out a noise akin to “Awawawaaaaah,” a stark contrast to Astolfo’s cheerful “Weeeeee!” Chiron meanwhile crossed his arms in the same corner nearby, still tapping his hoof, this time in tune with Marie’s giggling, surprisingly. It would’ve appeared to Sieg (no thanks to being stuck) that Chiron was somewhat irritated if not for the fond and exasperated smile that was showing on his face towards the Rider in question. 

“Trust Ane-san, Master~” Achilles cooed in Vy’s direction, a wide grin on his face. Sieg could’ve sworn it looked teasing with how much Mash was flailing from the shock. Not to mention how everyone’s legs were left dangling in the air as Achilles gently swayed them back and forth, his gold armor sparkling in the room’s lighting as he did. “We’ll be in your care for as long as you need us, and besides! If you can bring us to Full Ascension when you’re running on Gold Apples, who says you can’t do everyone else!” Achilles puffed his chest out enough to make everyone feel the gesture from the hug. Then his smile turned soft. “We’ll be here for you, now and forever.”

“A-A-Achilles…” Vy’s glasses were getting stained with all the tear drops, barely showing her wide brown eyes as a result, but even when carrying more than five people, the Hero of the Trojan War merely shook his head, wearing that same grin. 

“C’mon, Master, quit crying. We can wait. You take what responsibility you can and we’ll be with you all the way. You’re our Master after all.”

To no one’s surprise but Mash, Vy started crying harder. Sieg slowly raised a hand to his friend’s hair to pat it in sympathy just as Atalante leaned into the group hug, a comforting purr rumbling in her throat. Her lion ears twitched in time with Astolfo’s reassuring laughter. 

“Oh, senpai,” Mash said softly. “It’s okay.” 

“Let us down, Rider,” Atalante said after a moment, still hanging onto Vy as Achilles started taking a few steps back in what looked like the beginning of a strength maneuver. “We have to visit the kitchens now.”

Sieg just smiled and took the tears with all the strength he could provide as a homunculus.

Maybe this was what Rider called a “family” way back in the Great Holy Grail War. Maybe.

------------------------------------------

[Image Description: A screenshot of a team setup in Fate Grand Order, with Servants going from left to right: Achilles, Atalante, Chiron, Sieg, and Astolfo. End Description.]

I couldn’t go end this post without showing off my current Apocrypha team lineup. Let it be said that the Apocrypha event is now, without debate, my favorite event so far in FGO proper. Loving characters that didn’t get as much chance to shine in the original anime was amazing, and I can only hope in my heart that my Servants understand that I appreciate them for getting me through it all. Hopefully, they know. I’d like to think that they do.

[mandopopguin]

R-Chord ft. E.SO - The Apple (English Translation)

我站在四度空間角落 凝視著你不安的面容 wǒ zhàn zài sì dù kōngjiān jiǎoluò níngshìzhe nǐ bù'ān dì miànróng I stand in the corner of the four dimensions, staring at your uneasy face 午夜後當心我的出沒 我是顆迷人的毒蘋果 wǔyè hòu dāngxīn wǒ de chūmò wǒ shì kē mírén de dú píngguǒ After midnight, beware my haunting. I am the bewitching poison apple

Warnings: Bad Words (gasp), suicide mentions

I’m translating some songs for fun. Third song: 謝和弦 Feat. 瘦子 E-SO (頑童MJ116) – 蘋果. Started translating this to make funny jokes about a certain piece of my world Disney villain media, but then the lyrics went off the rails. Probably should have expected that from the music video.

Full translation + translator’s notes under the cut.

牛頓地心引力 吸引不了到我 (掉下了腐敗結果) Niúdùn dì xīn yǐnlì xīyǐn bùliǎo dào wǒ (diào xiàle fǔbài jiéguǒ) Newton’s gravity can’t attract me (Rotted results fell off the tree) 留在樹上的我 原來是顆禁果 (貪婪之蛇纏繞著我) liú zài shù shàng de wǒ yuánlái shì kē jìnguǒ (tānlán zhī shé chánràozhe wǒ) I'm the forbidden fruit on the tree (The snake of greed is twining around me) 不要偽裝我看的到你 就像你看到我一樣 外表光鮮亮麗 是假象 bùyào wèizhuāng wǒ kàn de dào nǐ jiù xiàng nǐ kàn dào wǒ yīyàng wàibiǎo guāngxiān liang lì shì jiǎxiàng Don’t pretend I see you the same way you see me. Outside appearance is beautiful, but it’s a façade 白雪公主和那亞當夏娃 赤裸裸躺在我的面前 下場還是淒涼 báixuě gōngzhǔ hé nà yàdāng xiàwá chìluǒluǒ tǎng zài wǒ de miànqián xiàchǎng háishì qīliáng Snow White and Adam and Eve lie naked before me; the end is still bleak 這一切不是我願想像 也不是我希望 zhè yīqiè bùshì wǒ yuàn xiǎngxiàng yě bùshì wǒ xīwàng This isn’t like I imagined, and it isn’t what I hoped 當我睜開雙眼 發現有了邪惡力量 dāng wǒ zhēng kāi shuāng yǎn fāxiàn yǒule xié'è lìliàng When I opened my eyes, I found wicked power 給你一顆 兩顆 三顆 四顆 五顆毒蘋果 gěi nǐ yī kē liǎng kē sān kē sì kē wǔ kē dú píngguǒ Give you one, two, three, four, five poison apples 別忘了誰是下毒原首 奸笑的巫婆 bié wàngle shuí shì xià dú yuán shǒu jiānxiào de wūpó Don’t forget the original poisoner, the wicked witch 我站在四度空間角落 凝視著你不安的面容 wǒ zhàn zài sì dù kōngjiān jiǎoluò níngshìzhe nǐ bù'ān dì miànróng I stand in the corner of the four dimensions, staring at your uneasy face 午夜後當心我的出沒 我是顆迷人的毒蘋果 wǔyè hòu dāngxīn wǒ de chūmò wǒ shì kē mírén de dú píngguǒ After midnight, beware my haunting. I am the bewitching poison apple 那是誰的眉頭 像蛆不斷蠕動 (慌張的味道 撲向了我) nà shì sheí de méitóu xiàng qū bùduàn rúdòng (huāngzhāng de wèidào pū xiàngle wǒ) Whose brows are constantly squirming like maggots? (The agitated taste pounced on me) 那是誰的拳頭 落在你的臉孔 (清醒了之後 快告訴我) nà shì sheí de quántóu luò zài nǐ de liǎn kǒng (qīng xǐng liǎo zhīhòu kuài gàosù wǒ) Whose fist fell on your face? (When you wake up, tell me) 不要偽裝我看的到你 就像你看到我一樣 外表光鮮亮麗 是假象 bùyào wèizhuāng wǒ kàn de dào nǐ jiù xiàng nǐ kàn dào wǒ yīyàng wàibiǎo guāngxiān liang lì shì jiǎxiàng Don’t pretend I see you the same way you see me. The outside appearance is beautiful, but it’s a façade 白雪公主和那亞當夏娃 赤裸裸躺在我的面前 下場還是淒涼 báixuě gōngzhǔ hé nà yàdāng xiàwá chìluǒluǒ tǎng zài wǒ de miànqián xiàchǎng háishì qīliáng Snow White and Adam and Eve lie naked before me; the end is still bleak 這一切不是我願想像 也不是我希望 zhè yīqiè bùshì wǒ yuàn xiǎngxiàng yě bùshì wǒ xīwàng This isn’t like I imagined, and it isn’t what I hoped 當我睜開雙眼 發現有了邪惡力量 dāng wǒ zhēng kāi shuāng yǎn fāxiàn yǒule xié'è lìliàng When I opened my eyes, I found wicked power 給你一顆 兩顆 三顆 四顆 五顆毒蘋果 gěi nǐ yī kē liǎng kē sān kē sì kē wǔ kē dú píngguǒ Give you one, two, three, four, five poison apples 別忘了誰是下毒原首 奸笑的巫婆 bié wàngle shuí shì xià dú yuán shǒu jiānxiào de wūpó Don’t forget the original poisoner, the wicked witch 我站在四度空間角落 凝視著你不安的面容 wǒ zhàn zài sì dù kōngjiān jiǎoluò níngshìzhe nǐ bù'ān dì miànróng I stand in the corner of the four dimensions, staring at your uneasy face 午夜後當心我的出沒 我是顆迷人的毒蘋果 wǔyè hòu dāngxīn wǒ de chūmò wǒ shì kē mírén de dú píngguǒ After midnight, beware my haunting. I am the bewitching poison apple Woo.. You like that huh? 反正沒你的事 Woo.. You like that huh? Fǎnzhèng méi nǐ de shì Woo.. You like that huh? Anyway, it’s none of your business Woo.. 一群野狗 餓到連骨都吃 Woo.. Yīqún yě gǒu è dào lián gǔ dōu chī Woo.. A group of stray dogs is hungry enough to eat whole skeletons 告訴我要吃多少的藥病情才會好轉 gàosù wǒ yào chī duōshǎo di yào bìngqíng cái huì hǎozhuǎn Tell me how much medicine I need to take to get better 你給我吃了什麼藥 我現在感覺好喘 nǐ gěi wǒ chīle shénme yào wǒ xiànzài gǎnjué hǎo chuǎn What medicine did you give me? I’m feeling breathless 堅持信仰 就快要變得不重要 jiānchí xìnyǎng jiù kuàiyào biàn dé bù chóng yào Upholding your beliefs will be irrelevant before long 你有話就快說快說趁我現在沒瘋掉 nǐ yǒu huà jiù kuài shuō kuài shuō chèn wǒ xiànzài méi fēng diào If you have something to say, then say it before I go crazy 我是怎麼了你們怎麼了 現在才發現 wǒ shì zěnmeliǎo nǐmen zěnmeliǎo xiànzài cái fāxiàn What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you? Just now realized 這柏油路都鋪了幾層了 就快要塌陷 zhè bóyóu lù dōu pùle jǐ céngle jiù kuàiyào tāxiàn This asphalt road is paved in several layers. It’ll collapse soon 你可別說你有病要掛號我要先插隊 nǐ kě bié shuō nǐ yǒu bìng yào guàhào wǒ yào xiān chāduì Don't you say you’re sick and need to see the doctor. I'm cutting in line 快來看看我有多麼下賤 kuài lái kàn kàn wǒ yǒu duōme xiàjiàn Come see just how despicable I am 我不是來當偶像給你看的 我幹你娘 wǒ bùshì lái dāng ǒuxiàng gěi nǐ kàn de wǒ gàn nǐ niáng I didn't come to be an idol for you to gawk at. I’ll f#ck your mom 我本來不是那種人為什麼要我變慈祥 wǒ běnlái bu shì nà zhǒng rén wéi shén me yào wǒ biàn cíxiáng I'm not that kind of person in the first place, so why should I be nice? 預設立場故事劇情全部的人看你講 yù shè lìchǎng gùshì jùqíng quánbù de rén kàn nǐ jiǎng The people who guess the story’s whole plot watch you speak 演了一部爛片一堆狗屎扶不上泥牆 yǎn le yī bù làn piàn yī duī gǒu shǐ fú bù shàng ní qiáng Acting in a bad movie; a pile of dog sh#t can’t fill the cracks in a wall 這是一場完美的表演看我上吊 zhè shì yīchǎng wánměi de biǎoyǎn kàn wǒ shàngdiào This is the perfect show to watch me hang myself 那些噁心的面孔正在拍手大笑 nàxiē ěxīn de miànkǒng zhèngzài pāishǒu dà xiào Those nauseating faces are applauding and laughing heartily 沒有價值的小丑隨時都能換掉 méiyǒu jiàzhí de xiǎochǒu suíshí dōu néng huàn diào Worthless clowns can all be replaced at any time 在我太陽穴開一槍把我自己掛掉 zài wǒ tàiyángxué kāi yī qiāng bǎ wǒ zìjǐ guà diào I’ll kill myself with one shot to my temple 一切重頭 我願還是那顆毒蘋果 yīqiè zhòngtóu wǒ yuàn háishì nà kē dú píngguǒ I still want to be that poison apple 能否 再吃下一口 四二零誕生的我 néng fǒu zài chī xià yīkǒu sì'èr líng dànshēng de wǒ Take another bite out of me, born April 20th 我站在四度空間角落 凝視著你不安的面容 wǒ zhàn zài sì dù kōngjiān jiǎoluò níngshìzhe nǐ bù'ān dì miànróng I stand in the corner of the four dimensions, staring at your uneasy face 午夜後當心我的出沒 我是顆迷人的毒蘋果 wǔyè hòu dāngxīn wǒ de chūmò wǒ shì kē mírén de dú píngguǒ After midnight, beware my haunting. I am the bewitching poison apple

Translator’s Notes

Definitely missed some wordplay in here.

牛頓地心引力 吸引不了到我 (掉下了腐敗結果) Niúdùn dì xīn yǐnlì xīyǐn bùliǎo dào wǒ (diào xiàle fǔbài jiéguǒ) Newton’s gravity can’t attract me (Rotted results fell off the tree)

This is a pun: the phrase for “results” here also means “bear fruit.” There isn’t any reference to trees in this line. That was added to tie it to Newton’s law of universal gravitation (which he allegedly discovered when an apple fell off of a tree).

白雪公主和那亞當夏娃 赤裸裸躺在我的面前 下場還是淒涼 báixuě gōngzhǔ hé nà yàdāng xiàwá chìluǒluǒ tǎng zài wǒ de miànqián xiàchǎng háishì qīliáng Snow White and Adam and Eve lie naked before me; the end is still bleak

The phrase used for “the end” also means “exit the stage,” a possible reference to Snow White’s rap monologue later.

你可別說你有病要掛號我要先插隊 nǐ kě bié shuō nǐ yǒu bìng yào guàhào wǒ yào xiān chāduì Don't you say you’re sick and need to see the doctor. I’m cutting in line 

“See the doctor” is literally “register [in a hospital],” but I’ve never heard of anyone “registering” for a hospital visit in English unless they’re having a baby. Probably isn’t happening here.

演了一部爛片一堆狗屎扶不上泥牆 yǎn le yī bù làn piàn yī duī gǒu shǐ fú bù shàng ní qiáng Acting in a bad movie; a pile of dog sh#t can’t fill the cracks in a wall

I don’t have any idea what this means.

一切重頭 我願還是那顆毒蘋果 yīqiè zhòngtóu wǒ yuàn háishì nà kē dú píngguǒ I still want to be that poison apple

No idea what 一切重頭 is supposed to be. All... important? All... from the beginning? Can’t find consistent info on 重頭, and the characters don’t mean anything that makes sense in context separately.

能否 再吃下一口 四二零誕生的我 néng fǒu zài chī xià yīkǒu sì'èr líng dànshēng de wǒ Take another bite out of me, born April 20th

Not sure what the significance of April 20th is, but here are a few guesses:

四二零誕生 (”April 20th birthday”) is almost homophonous with 死而另誕生 (loosely “die and reborn”), so the line would then be “Take another bite out of me; [I/you] will die and be reborn.” Appropriately edgy.

四二零 in leetspeak-adjacent number puns also sounds similar to 是愛你 (”Love you”) or 死愛你 (”Love you so much,” but not “love you to death,” because that would be 愛 死 你). A scandalous last-second love confession?

Take a.. seeeeat Hope you ready for the next episode heeeeeey (Music stops and pauses) Smoke weed everyday

[megafaunatic]

Hey! I hope you don't mind but I devoured your Untamed works on AO3 (except for "If You Were Made For Me", I admit, because it has a Sad Ending and right now I can't bear with that. I just want them to be happy and fluffy domestic together. They have been through enough and so have I! But I inted on reading it when I'm on a better headspace). Your Wangxian writing is the BEST I've found and I absolutely ADORE how you write their dynamics. I would like to say especially your interactions (1/10)

between Lan WangJi and the Jiang siblings, but honestly, you write all their dynamics, espacially family ones (my faves!) so wonderfully and it's really such a treat! Also, I love SO much how you write Jiang Cheng! I think your portrayal of him is so spot on and perfect. I loved his interactions with WWX and LWJ on "Linger in the Sun", I really re-read many times because it was so beautiful, and don't get me started on the explanations both give to WWX! I also especially loved (2/10)

"You, Asleep and Dreaming" because of the sheer domesticity, how WWX helps around Cloud Recess and his efforts are welcome and appreciated, the non-sexual intimacy is absolutely beautiful, how much they appreciate and adore eachother and, let me tell you, the way WWX's complexes and traumas are portrayed? LWJ's support and care for him? It hit home, like, hard. I had to breathe for a sec there. It reminded me so much of my parter and I there. The relationship you portray is such a (3/10)

beautiful, realistic, healthy one. I love that for them. Is exactly how I imagine them and what they deserve. I love it. Also, they are so CUDDLY!! They love to cuddle so much and I love to cuddle that much too, so I just ENJOY it SO much! They take every small chance they can they can to cuddle and I'm LIVING for it!! I'm right there with you, guys!! My partner is always so surprised by how much I love cuddles and we have been together for years! But I think probably my favourite one is (4/10)

"Grand Pianos Crash Together". It focuses on their relationship, but it also shows how they have people around how loves them and who they love too (the conversations between LWJ and LQR and LXC?? Do you know what you have done to my heart??????LXC saying sometimes love isn't enough is something I've said for years and it really hit, man, it really hit, specially in his context. Damn), and that doesn't keep them from choosing a path they are happier in and also some (5/10)

PRIVACY, aside from JC crashing in, but it leads to 100/10 interaction so I'm quite cool with it. I abslutely loved WWX going "I should have married you at that stupid temple. Our families were already there", wich also makes me wonder how their wedding would be. In most of your writings, in the ones where they en up together, you always have them want to get married (obvs!!) but they never are shown doing it and I can't help but be all giddy imagining their families there, everyone there (6/10)

just being together, interacting, showing their different levels of support for their loved ones (LXC and JC being brothers with WWX and LWJ TT_TT and don't get me started on LQR, the juniors, Wen Ning...). In my head I've mixed all your writings (except the Sad Ending one). I really love Shi and Guang and all your OCs and would love to know more about them (and I'm usually weary of people's OCs in fanfics. A bad habit, I know) but I imagine that LXC is the one taking over the Chief (7/10)

Cultivator role due to me wanting him to open up to the world again and not to punish himself for what JGY did (I want him to he happy!!) and I think that experience also gave him a better understanding of the world and people without losing his heart that could really make him so good. Wen Ning is everyone's friends because he's a sweetheart and he deserves it. A mix of "It's Only Time", "GPCT", "Y,AaD" and "Linger in the Sun" happens and they are hella domestinc and fluffy traveling (8/10)

around and teaching the juniors when the oportunity comes here and there, while visiting their friends and just being happy together, in eachother's arms. OH! ALSO!! They marry, but because of you and your portrayal of JC and WWX working to rebuild their relationship I wonder: both dreamed since they were kids of their sister's wedding (CUTE), so does JC do the same for WWX? Does he try his best to make his wedding perfect? Does that help to ease his and LWJ relationship? Does LXC want (9/10)

to help to? (Also, conversation between LXC and JC about their brothers?????? YES PLEASE!!!!) Do the juniors or even LQR want to help? How do WWX and LWJ feel about all this people loving them so fiercely? This is probably the most important part of what I wanted to tell you, just how much I love and appreciate your work and how happy is making me. Right now my country is on quarantine, I can't with my partner, but you are making this so much better and easyer for me. Thank you. Really.(10/10)

OOOOMG... Good morning tumblr user faraige!!!! This was so amazingly sweet to receive, I don't know what to say 🥺🥺🥺 Thank you so much for reading my fics & for appreciating them so deeply! I'm so honored by your love for them, and I'm glad my writing spoke to you like this!! That's all I really want 🥺💛

also I definitely want to write LXC & JC talking abt their brothers at some point. I don't really care for x.icheng in particular, but I think they have... a lot to talk about... in the end of the story they're both left behind, full of grief and anger and betrayal that they're not necessarily "allowed" to feel, overshadowed by the accomplishments/successes/redemption/happy endings of their brothers, having been in the wrong all along. There's a lot there!! WOO!!!

OK I ALSO do want to encourage you to read "If you were made for me" because it does have a sad ending BUT, LIKE, it exists within the canon timeline so you know they get a happy ending EVENTUALLY...!!! And it has some scenes & exchanges that I'm really very proud of :')

WAH ANYWAY this was such an amazingly kind series of messages, thank you so much!!! 🥺 I hope you get to see your partner soon, and I hope we ALL get out of quarantine safely & quickly!!

[crayonwriting]

Irreplaceable You: 6 (Bucky Barnes)

Summary: Unexpectedly diagnosed with a terminal disease, you embark on a mission to find a new love for your fiancé and childhood best friend, Bucky Barnes.

Disclaimer: This story is a rewrite of the movie of the same title on Netflix. Directed by Stephanie Laing and written by  Bess Wohl. Go check it out!

A/N: This was so long! I got carried away, I think? 2.7k words! I didn’t proofread much. Please point out my mistakes. :) Oh, and enjoy folks!

—

You were slightly slouching on your chair in support group, scrolling through your phone. You hid your under your coat on your lap so that no one would notice. You were a week in on the dating app, still looking at some girls for Bucky.

'Slutty.' Swipe. 'Sluttier.' Swipe. 'Ooh. Triplets.'

As you were busy, your Nebula continued to talk about her recent check up.

"And so, uh, when my numbers came back this time, I just," she paused, sighing defeatedly. "Honestly, I just thought I can't keep fighting." She shrugged.

"Oh Nebula, you don't have to go there." Wanda said, smiling. "It's all about attitude." She pointed to her own face and smiled widely.

"Well," Bruce interrupted, "Let's let Nebula have her process." Wanda turned to Bruce, putting a hand to his knee.

"Oh, absolutely. Yeah." She pulled her hands on her lap and and sat properly. "I just think that her process should be more positive."

"Everyone is entitled to... to be sad." Thor chimed in. Bruce nodded solemnly, agreeing.

"It's not even your cancer." Loki glared at Thor beside him. Thor could only look back with the same expression.

"I… I like to think of it as me." Thor said proudly. Loki intentionally rolled his eyes at his brother, lifting his hands up in defeat.

"Of course you do." He crossed his arms over his chest, shaking his head in disappointment.

"You know what I'm loving these days?" Wanda asked the group who gave no answer. "Meditation. And I... I know it sounds trite, but I just have been feeling so blessed every time I sit there in silence."

"Maybe you could try that now?" Bruce suggested.

You burst out laughing, causing the whole group to look at you.

"Or we could laugh." Bruce eyed you carefully. "That's okay too."

"Sorry." You muttered, sitting straighter. "I'm sorry. Just…" You raised your phone in the air, "Some of these women are so cheesy." You read off one of the profiles you were currently on."'I want to dip you in whipped cream and put my cherry on top.'  What does that even mean, anatomically speaking?" You asked the group.

"Using a sundae model as a sexual proposition." Bruce analyzed.

"It is confusing. I have to s...I mean, cherry... cherry's got to be a hymen, right?" Wanda suggested.

"Probably a busted hymen." Loki blurted out. Wanda nodded, agreeing. Her eyes lit up at a memory.

"Oh! Oh! I... I, um... mine broke on a horse." Wanda sniggered, smiling with pride as if it were an achievement. Thor nodded beside her.

"And me, I was born without one." He stated. Everyone looked back at him as if he had two heads. Loki slapped his palm against his forehead, regretting to be related to the idiot beside him.

"Okay!" Bruce leaned on his knees and sighed. "Uh, that's about it for today."

—

You sat by the glass wall overlooking the city. You were still at support group but sharing was over. You were all free to do whatever you want within the room. You had one leg folded against you, your thumb continuously scrolling swiping through your phone.

“Were you sexting just now?” You didn’t have to look at the person to know who it was. Tony sat on the chair in front of you with a smirk on his face.

“Let me have my process.” You responded, still distracted,

“Your process is sexting?” Tony mocked. You looked at him sharply, leaning forward onto the table.

"You're the one who said Bucky would go through a slut phase." You looked at him, eyebrows bent with worry. You looked back at your phone, continuing your research. "I thought you were crazy, but then I thought about it more, and he's gonna be a chick magnet." Tony's smug look remained on his face.

"And the worst part is, he's gonna have no idea how to handle it because he's never had to date."  You were frantic which Tony found amusing. "He's gonna be lonely and vulnerable. He could wind up with someone really controlling and crazy."

"Yeah, imagine that."

"I have to make sure he finds love and learns how to cook chicken."

"Classic rookie mistake." Tony raised his finger at you and shook his head. You shrugged and asked what he was talking about.

"Thinking you can do something to lessen the loss. There's a word for what you're doing. It's a technical term. You want to know it?" He raised his eyebrows at you.

"No, thanks." You ignored him, going back to your phone.

"'Anticipatory grieving.'" Tony went into full boy genius mode. "Trying to cope with the loss before it happens." He leaned forward and pointed to Thor.

"So, Thor over there,” He pointed to Thor who was busy knitting absentmindedly by the tables, “He writes a birthday card to Loki  for every year he's gonna be gone. I know they don't get along but hell, Thor would do anything for his brother. He always thinks he’ll be gone first." He scanned the room and saw Nebula by the far end corner.

"Nebula, over there, makes a video montage of herself as Santa's elf for all the Christmases she's gonna miss with her niece and nephew. She has a sister down South. It doesn’t change anything.” He shrugged.

You sighed heavily at how sad it had sounded. You were each trying to cope with what is to come in different ways, but still nothing could ever prepare your loved ones—especially yourself—for death. You felt defeated and looked helplessly at Tony. Tony smiled sadly.

“Look, what do I know? My advice? You're hooking him up,” he leaned closer to you, “Concentrate on a booty. Yours is, kind of, flat.” You both laughed softly, with you smacking his arm lightly.

“My booty is not flat.”

“You have a terrible ass.”

“Fuck you.” You gave him the middle finger. You shook your head and went back to your phone.

“Here, give me that.” Tony snatched your phone and scrolled. “Oh, you got a match.”

“Oh, really?” You pulled your chair beside his.

—

“We can look into doctors, and, um, experimental treatments, and all that shit. I mean, she's gonna beat the odds, man.” Sam looked at the beer bottle he was holding in his hands, absentmindedly admiring it. “I mean, that's what odds are for.” He stared back at the lake in the city park where Bucky had asked to meet up.  

“Odds are for, you know, for beating. Man, look, I bet Y/N is on the phone right now with doctors from Germany just like—”

“Sam.” Bucky sounded almost helpless.

“Yeah?” Sam looked at his best friend.

“Talk about something else.” Bucky looked at him desperately. His breathing came out in soft clouds of white as the weather was getting colder by the day. Sam stared at Bucky sadly. He clapped a hand against his back.

“Yeah. Yeah, yeah, okay.” Sam took a swig of his beer.” He looked to the distance. “Something else, huh?” He bit his lip, thinking hard. Bucky sat silently, peeling the label off of his own drink.

“Okay, guess how many people have the same birthday as you?” Sam asked. Bucky shook his head and shrugged his shoulders. “Ten million. You know the percentage of identical twins?”

“Five?” Bucky answered.

“Mm-mm.” Sam shook his head. “Three.” He held up three fingers. “Oh, man, did you know that a pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes?” Bucky suddenly spat his drink.

“Seriously?”

Sam nodded, a bit smugly. “Thirty whole minutes, man, yeah. Oh, and then when bats fly out of a cave, they go left.”

“Why?”

“Hell if I know, man.” Sam thought of another fact as he drank. “Donald F. Duck. What's his middle name?”

“Frank.” Bucky said, firmly.

“No.”

“Frederick.”

“No.”

“F... Uh…” Bucky struggled.

“Fauntleroy.”

Both men laughed at how ridiculous it was.

“Faunt what?” Bucky asked, still chuckling.

“Fauntleroy.” Sam repeated. “I don’t know where the hell they got a name like that.”

Bucky shook his head, smiling and grateful to have a best friend like Sam Wilson.

—

“You know, I'm only trying to prepare him for the inevitable.” You stared at the hospital ceiling. You coughed, a bit harshly, and spat on the small bucket Scott got for you.

“Mm-hmm.”

“I mean, let's be real. Life is gonna go on.”

“I'm gonna go ahead and just stop you right there.” Scott cut in as he took a spoonful of his food. “This is all maybe some of the dumbest shit that I have ever heard in my entire life. And if you do get better, you're gonna feel like a real ass.” Your mouth opened wide in shock, and you tilted your head at him in question.

“You are not allowed to talk to me like that, okay? I'm sick.” You said.

“I don't think that makes you special in this context.”

You stared at Scott, not believing that he was against you. You coughed feebly in an attempt to woo him. He only shook his head disapprovingly.

“Not working.”

You pretended to have a coughing fit once again, shaking your whole body as if you had a seizure.

“No. No. No, come on, that's not gonna work.” He said, signalling you to stop. You pouted at him, trying to make the cutest face you could possibly pull. “Nope. Nope. The pouty thing... “ he gestured to you using his spoon. “That's not working either. No, none of it. None of it.” You raised your arms at him.

“Are you showing me your tubes?” You rolled your eyes at him, pulling off your monitor from your pointer finger and inserting it back on your middle finger. You flashed it in front of Scott who was still unaffected.

“That's very mature. You want some orange rice?” He offered his bowl to you.

“No.”

“No? All right.” You both remained in silence for a few moments.

“It's a pretty dumb idea, though.” Scott shrugged. You gave him the evil eye, completing ignoring his disapproving statements.

“It is not dumb.” You sighed heavily.

—

You were sitting at a cafe, waiting for the ‘applicants’ to come in one by one. You had set up a small meet-up with a few women who were interested in dating a four-eyed, bun-wearing, nerdy professor like Bucky.

-

Catherine K., 32

“So I decided to cut out gluten. That was like the first thing that I did. I would just like, wake up in the morning and feel like totally fatigued. Just like, ‘eh.’”

You nodded, unsure.

“You know, it’s the weirdest thing.” You raised your eyebrows, encouraging her to continue. “My cat’s name is Sam.”

“Right.”

Remarks: NO WAY

-

Hillary G., 26

You laughed a little as you got to know about Hillary.

“So uhm, you know, into his, uh, sciencey stuff. I don't really get any of it, but—”

She cut you off laughing continuously. You slightly widened your eyes at her with a tight-lipped smile.

Remarks: WEIRD

-

Olivia P., 29

“Okay, so what are you looking forward to in this relationship?” You asked her.

“Well, I hope it’s all honest and just full of trust.” She expressed, albeit a bit too enthusiastically. “I also want an apartment with him, and a dog too. Children! I want children so much. Maybe we’ll have three. Five is probably the maximum.”

You stared at her emotionless.

Remarks: YIKES

-

“No, no, no.” You crossed out the names of those you already talked to. “Too freaky. Too needy. Too slutty. Too neurotic.” You whispered to yourself, thinking about the whole day you’ve spent in the cafe. You sighed, resting your forehead against your palm.

“A few more people to go.”

-

“So it says on your online profile you were Phi Beta Kappa.”

“I had no life in college.” Sally sipped her coffee casually. You laughed, finding it amusing that how casual—and normal—she was being.

“And now you're a researcher for the National Institute of Health?”

“Yes. Still have no life. I'm just... I'm just tired of being alone.” You nodded as you listened intently. “I'm where I want to be career-wise, and I really would like to settle down and have a family.” She reached out beside you and pulled your coffee cup out of the edge of the table. She placed it in the middle and laughed lightly.

“Oh, my God. Sorry. It was gonna fall over. Natural caretaker. Also overbearing neurotic.”

“I'm the same way.” You nodded, looking down at your hands. “Um… Let's set up a date.” You smiled.

“Okay.” Sally nodded. “Um, just… If I could just be honest with you, um, I just don't quite understand why a man would send his assistant to pre-interview women.”

You stiffened and tried to hide your uneasiness.

“I just... I don't get it.” Sally shrugged.

“Yeah, um... Here's the deal.”

After telling her the truth about what you were doing, Sally didn’t hesitate to pick up her bag and coffee, storming out of the cafe.

“Sally!” You chased after her. “Please don't hold it against him!”

“This is the craziest thing like ever!” She shouted back at you before spinning around and walking away completely.

You stood there in front of the cafe, shell-shocked. You’ve totally blown this whole ‘anticipatory grieving’ thing Tony mentioned. Maybe you should just try a different method. Feeling bad, you wrapped your arms around yourself and rushed back into the cafe. You just wanted to pack up and go home.

You hastily shoved all your stuff back in your bag, knocking your coffee cup completely off the table.

“Oh, shit. Oh, sorry! I'm sorry!” You reached down to pick up the cup but the barista near your table rushed to your side and helped clean the accident.

“No, I got it. I got it.” She said, wiping down the floor and putting the cup upright on your table. You stared at her anxiously.

“It's kind of a long story.” You tried to explain.

“I... I think I heard it.” The barista answered. “I mean, I know I shouldn't, but spying on the customers is like the only thing that makes this job halfway bearable.” She looked at you. “You are way more interesting than most.” Sighing, you sat on your chair, sulking.

“I know, it's unusual…”

“Hey, I think it's awesome.” The barista sat in front of you. “Like, my mom died seven years ago. I was in high school.” You listened to her, keenly. “And after she passed, my dad spent every night alone. And I tried to tell him, ‘Go out. Live life. Find someone.’”

“But not just anyone. The right person.” She gave you a look which told you she agreed.

“Exactly. Which is hard.” She nodded.

You laughed, humorlessly.

“Right.”

“I mean, do you have any like friends or anything that could like take him off your hands?” She asked.

“Not anyone that would get this.” You shook your head, continuing to put your papers and stuff back in your bag.

“Right. I mean, the thing is, finding the right one is actually about volume.” She put her finger to her temple as if she were thinking. “You should host a mixer. No, like, invite some people.” You scoffed at her suggestion, standing up and getting ready to leave.

“Yeah, right. Nothing says ‘fun’ like a mixer hosted by your dying fiancee.”

“I mean, I'm having an art opening… at this gallery space on Friday. You could use it as a front.” You put on your coat, still listening to her. “You, like, wouldn't even need to be there. And an art opening could bring together some really interesting women. Like the right types. Not that there wouldn't be some people there with like interest in the free snacks, but…” You opened your mouth to interrupt.

“I wouldn't want to—”

“No.” She stood up, blocking your path. “Honestly, you'd be doing me a real solid.” You opened your mouth once again, but found yourself with nothing to say. Her idea was crazy but it was worth a shot. You laughed lightly, smiling widely at her. She smiled back. You raised your hand towards her.

“I’m Y/N.” She shook your hand.

“I'm Nat.”

—

feedback is appreciated!

tags: @blueskiesbleakeyes / @justanothergirlwithdemons /  @butteryoptimisticpeanut /  @likes-to-smell-books /  @hennessy0274-blog

[wings-of-a-storm]

Phew, I am half way through unraveling my thoughts on Lucas’ and Eliott’s big afternoon together. As the flirting gets more blatant, my posts get longer -- I don’t make the rules.

I’m saving your dashes with a cut though! :)

ELIOTT’S APARTMENT

So already one obvious question comes to mind: does Eliott live alone instead of with family? Because that room they were in screams bachelor pad. Plus there was no bed there, so no way is that tiny, cluttered room shared with anyone else as an actual living room. Not with Eliott’s drawings and belongings scattered everywhere. So if Eliott is living alone, I wonder how this will or won’t affect the setting of later plot.

BEER FOR TWO

Eliott saying he has some beer to lend Lucas and then coming out with a ‘suitcase’ of the stuff is pretty funny. I’m not sure if it is supposed to show us that Eliott likes to socialise a lot with friends, or that he might use it as a coping mechanism when his you-know-what gets overwhelming, or whether it is just to show us the difference in age/experience between them – that Eliott can afford loads of beer and is independent already to have such a cache of it stored up (he must surely live away from his parents!), or that he generally lives the life of a university student more than a highschooler (but I’m not French so what do I know?).

What I love though is that Elliot came into the room with two extra beers to visually lure Lucas into staying longer. He could have just asked Lucas if he wanted a beer and then gone off to get a bottle upon hearing his answer, but our sneaky Racoon wanted to make sure Lucas would really stay. How can you say no to someone already holding up beer (especially when they are already doing you a favour)? Plus having the item right in front of you is so hard to resist and so, I dunno, action-oriented (I’m sure there are studies on it). Smooth work there, Eliott. True lit student?

ELIOTT’S SPIRIT ANIMAL: THE RACOON

I love how open Eliott is with Lucas about his drawings; that he actually told Lucas that the racoon was meant to be a portrayal of himself. That is very personal information, right there.

BUT THE RACOON LOOKS SO SAD. DON’T DO THIS TO US, ELIOTT!

From the get-go, Eliott has been so open with Lucas and keeps offering bits of himself up even though Lucas doesn’t often reciprocate. Is this to make his secrets all the more painful? Because you get fooled into thinking Eliott is just this warm, open person who is upfront about everything? (Am I being too coy, Skam France? What I meant to ask was: is Eliott’s consistent openness a way to make the end of the episode that much more painful for Lucas? Because he was not expecting that sort of omission from Eliott? Ouch France. Very ouch.)

Anyway back to Eliott’s love of raccoons. How cute is it when Eliott got a little defensive when Lucas shortened ‘racoon’ to ‘rat’ and Eliott was like: IT IS A RACCOON! SHOW SOME RESPECT, BOY! Okay maybe it wasn’t so cute -- Lucas insulting the raccoon is like insulting Eliott and a representation he holds dear in his heart, and for a second, he seemed to take it to heart.

In Skam Italia, we had a deceptively brilliant spirit animal chosen for Niccolò and his state of mind (the giraffe whose heart fell in love before its head caught up), and now we have Eliott’s raccoon.

The most obvious connection Eliott has with racoons is from his own words: they wear a mask. Eliott points out this characteristic to Lucas in typical youthful exuberance, as if it is Zorro or something. But in reality, I’m sure I wasn’t the only one who felt pretty sad hearing him say it despite his adorable smile – it feels like he is already masking (pun definitely intended) why he is drawn to the idea hiding your full identity.

It is pretty interesting how Eliott’s internal turmoil is already being foreshadowed, actually. In previous versions, we’ve seen the pictures his counterparts have drawn and stuck on their walls. We’ve tried to study them to figure out what our Evens were trying to creatively express about themselves as they drew them. But the drawings have never been overtly explained to us by their actual owner before! The mask reference is unmistakable and a real little gem of an insight into how Eliott views himself in the world.

Aside from feeling like he has to wear a mask, I wonder what other elements of the Racoon will come into the storyline later…

‘HOW WOULD YOU DRAW ME?’

Oh my god, Lucas. Just oh my god. No matter how many times I rewatch this clip, my jaw drops at how bold Lucas is. Like have you no shame, child?!

A) Asking Eliott how he would draw him is basically Lucas saying: LOOK AT ME. STUDY ME. TURN ALL YOUR ATTENTION ONTO ME. LET THERE BE A MOMENT IN THE WORLD WHERE ALL YOU DO IS THINK ABOUT ME.

B) I know we’ve all been joking about ‘Draw me like one of your French girls’ but it does feel that intimate. Drawing a portrait, whether it is a spirit animal or not, is an intimate affair. Not necessarily Jack Dawson’s naked ladies-of-the-night kind of intimate, but still exposing on some level. Lucas was basically all: I want to get intimate with you. Challenge accepted or not?

B) The context of their conversation was about spirit animals, about Eliott knowing himself so well, he can see his own characteristics in a specific animal. But how the hell is Eliott supposed to know Lucas well enough to nominate an animal or even have a basic concept of Lucas so early in their acquaintance? They have spoken twice. Lucas asking Eliott how he’d draw him assumes that he is important enough in Eliott’s sphere for Eliott to actually know him the way he’d know a close friend. And since Eliott doesn’t know him that way, it is almost like a challenge to get to know him that way.

C) It is such a huge assumption that Eliott would have the time to even verbally craft a drawing of Lucas. That, my friends, is a transaction. Lucas just robbed Eliott of a suitcase of beer and now he’s demanding something else from him? I know he didn’t ask for an actual drawing, but even just coming up with a theoretical one takes time and thought. The boldness, Lucas, the boldness.

It was all such shameless flirting. Can you imagine Isak or Martino being bold enough to be all: draw a picture of me, babe, and add me to your collection. It was like Lucas skipped testing the waters and just went straight for it.

But somewhere along the way, Lucas must have felt confident enough to go there. Was it because he had seen how open-minded Eliott was in Polaris? Or because he was picking up on their own vibe together? Whatever it was, he was comfortable enough around Eliott to truly flirt. Our baby gay is actually flirting with another boy! But it makes the betrayal at the end of their afternoon so painfullll. I am sensing a pattern here, Skam France: ouch!

And the flirting worked. Because Eliott saw what Lucas was doing and fought fire with fire: damn right he took the opportunity to study Lucas’ face, to openly gaze at him for as long as he wanted and really take him in. (And Lucas ‘bold gay’ Lallemant didn’t even drop his gaze!) I love how Eliott even tilts his head back and steps back for a proper look, like challenge accepted, Lucas Lallemant.

But, incredibly, the quality of his gaze seems to shift, as if we can actually see his artist mindset clicking into place while he appreciates the angles of Lucas’ features and enjoys them.

It felt like such an intimate moment.

Of course what happens next, my friends, is the moment when Eliott drops one of the biggest lies of his life: “I don’t know how I’d draw you.”

L.I.A.R. My mind legit screams that every time I see him take that swig of beer.

Seriously, did you notice Eliott’s foot trying to push the folder full of Lucas’ drawings under the couch? Okay I am joking but those sketches of him must surely exist somewhere. If just glimpsing Lucas on his first day of school inspired Eliott to take another look at Polaris (as seen by the dates on his instagram account), he surely would have doodled Lucas and some of the things he had seen him do with his friends. That sip of beer seemed so much like guilt and thinking fast to cover himself. He lowered his head and everything. Guilllllllty. (Either guilt because he had already drawn Lucas, or guilt because he just got a flash in his mind of the perfect sketch and it was too personal for sharing.)

What I love though is how serious Eliott suddenly sounded when he said: “I’ll have to think about it.” Like even though they had both been half-joking about the whole drawing thing, Eliott really does want to try drawing a portrait of Lucas in whatever form and he is so flustered about that desire when confronted with Lucas’ seemingly omniscient gaze.

And then Lucas does that eyebrow wiggle and Eliott goes from barely-holding-on flustered to send-help flustered. He not only broke the super charged eye contact with Lucas, but had to physically turn his head away to hide his face from him!

Not only that but he suddenly brings up smoking weed out of nowhere -- it had absolutely nothing to do with anything they had been talking about! I imagine it is because smoking weed is Eliott’s go-to method to calm down and he really needed to in that moment so it just came out of his mouth.

And, well, luckily for Eliott, Lucas is a snake that has no qualms about offering up his friends’ weed for further bonding time. ;)

As other people have already mentioned though, it is such a fascinating change that there is such mutual woo-ing going on; that Eliott is charming and Lucas sees it and raises it and ends up knocking Eliott out. It happened with the piano obviously, but this clip is where it really begins.

[jefferyryanlong]

Fresh Listen - Buckethead, Electric Tears (Metastation, 2002)

(Some pieces of recorded music operate more like organisms than records. They live, they breathe, they reproduce. Fresh Listen is a periodic review of recently and not so recently released albums that crawl among us like radioactive spiders, gifting us with superpowers from their stingers.)

I often wonder what I might have accomplished in music had I any kind of true talent. And not just talent--but also a passion to work toward pure musical expression, so that every note I might press or blow had intention, was consciously connected to an idea that could only be represented musically, in the context of melody and harmony and rhythm. Would I rip an aggressive and demonic trombone solo as part of a nine-piece New Orleans collective? Would I deliriously hammer angular chords alongside an avant-garde symphony? Would I, if I could, milk singing wails from an electric guitar, an capture within that singing and wailing all of the worldʻs disaffection, riding lead in a rock band, counterbalancing moronic lyrics with a frantic supplication to the heavenly throb? If only I had the talent, and the work ethic. With this power to transmit the universal message, to tap into the frequency between heart and brain, I might lead the lost soul of a listener one step closer to Enlightenment. Given this ability, I probably wouldnʻt place an expressionless white mask over my face, along with a KFC bucket on top of my head.

Buckethead, the solo guitar magician whoʻs commercially branded himself thus, is the kind of prodigious virtuoso to whom music is less a mystery, a puzzle to be solved, than a natural state of being. He made his name not in lesser able rock bands of his time, but in the wonky pages of Guitar World, to which he submitted award winning compositions and tablature. The kind of guitarist who can hang with Guns Nʻ Roses (he was member from 2000 to 2005), but prefers making records alone, creating the space his fingers require for the musical chaos that seeps from his bucket-topped head to take shape. Unlike Steve Vai or Joe Satriani, Buckethead eschews traditional rock/prog rock backing (except for convoluted side projects like Praxis) for guitar instrumentals that are subtler, more facile, less bombastic.

Had I the gifts of Buckethead, Iʻm also certain that 2002ʻs Electric Tears wouldnʻt have been the artistic statement representative of my musical values. One can only wonder what the musical values of Buckethead are while listening to these New Age-y songs, surmising that there must be a deeper personal agenda here (as there was in 1998ʻs Colma), some overarching reason for the artist to defang these songs, most of which are played with two guitars (a rhythm/loop and solo) with a demanding gentleness. The music of Electric Tears emerges from speakers like errant thoughts you havenʻt had time to reinforce through conscious reflection. They articulate, and sometimes even humanize, the messy by-product of too much thinking about other things, less important things. Listening to Buckethead is both familiar and unsettling--even before the notes of these songs are imprinted on your brain, itʻs like they were there all along. They are soothing as they linger on the verges of awareness, but maddening if you pay too close attention.

Despite the obvious technical ability in “All in the Waiting,” a repetitive, electric finger-picking accompanied by a fluid acoustic solo, there is not much to the song that elevates it beyond what one might hear while watching a montage of horse keeping and pained, parted lovers on a one-hour Christian television network drama. Oddly, Buckethead starts “Sketches of Spain (For Miles)” with electric laughing as processed through his guitar noodling. Then the song unspools in three distinct segments, each backed by the artistʻs reverent finger-picking: the melody played high on the neck of an acoustic guitar; the melody played with a wah-drenched electric; the melody played by the acoustic and electric guitars in harmony. Here Buckethead reimagines Davisʻs version of "Concierto de Aranjuez (Adagio)." Where Miles is self-conscious and cautiously perfunctory when playing a melody on trumpet, and often internally deconstructs it while exploring its tonal potentialities in real time, Buckethead wrenches every shred of sentiment from the song through his deliberative solo. In effect, he constrains a tune that Miles Davis and Gil Evans liberated many years ago.

The drone of “Padmasana” effectively conjures the ceaseless void atop which Buckethead constructs his lead guitar. The song is meditative enough to drive one to drink, and after a few listens I was begging to be released from its circular labyrinth of eleven minutes. The heavily processed rumble of “Mustang,” captured presumably by hammer-ons and the occasional effects-laden squelch, add a more frenetic energy to the record, and the song, more or less a captured anxiety, is absorbing in its loose and improvisatory structure. Buckethead goes full Eighties guitar on “The Way to Heaven.” Given a more dramatic framework, the song could fit easy as the coda to a Cinderella record.

Just when Bucketheadʻs songs seem to be taking on more diverse shapes, he revisits “All in the Waiting” with “Baptism of Solitude,” a spiritual sequel that best accompanies a wandering mind, not one paying attention to the music, trying to divine an inner resonance. It may even be too repetitive to be considered meandering. But then he lays out “Kansas Storm,” a riff-oriented rocker devoid of percussion, with irritated electric guitar growls stalking over a stiff street groove, low-ended by the bass strings.

There is little to say about “Datura” except that the middle part echoes some prog rock number I canʻt even remember. Just three or so notes. It would be a great backing track for the pixellated animations of a screen saver. “Witches on the Heath” recalls the bluesy vibe of “The Way to Heaven,” though less sentimentally so--for some reason, I couldnʻt help but to assemble scenes of New Orleans as portrayed by John Woo in the Jean-Claude Van Damme vehicle Hard Target. Try listen and let me know if you see the same things in your mind.

“Angel Monster”: see “All in the Waiting” and “Baptism of Solitude.” Yes, its got that same thing going on--delicately picked acoustic guitar, depressive guitar moping through. Buckethead brushes against Angelo Badalamenti/David Lynch weirdness in the title track “Electric Tears” likewise suggesting the bottomless madness that informs the most pedestrian sentiment. All I can really propose as a comparable experience to “Spell of the Gypsies” is the Hallmark store on the second floor of Windward Mall. Granted, there are some blue notes lurking in the song, but nothing that would turn away a dedicated shopper.

Perhaps most telling about Electric Tears is not  what is in the music, but what is on the albumʻs cover: the artist unmasked, un-bucketed. I wonder. Is this what he felt when he stepped out of costume? Did he imagine that these songs, most of them lighter than air, would simply float away, or would they lead him to something deeper? Electric Tears seems almost an exercise for Buckethead, a means for him to disengage from his ego and allow his fingers to unconsciously explore the complex underpinnings of his feelings, though he doesnʻt seem able to articulate the feelings themselves. For that, we have a piece of music hovering just beyond our grasp.

[saracen-panic]

Workout

Mark x Reader

Genre: Fluff / smut, idk it always starts with fluff and then smut knocks on your door and you just have to let it in idk idk idk

Word Count: 3k what the heck

Summary: Well, you have a hard time moving and Mark tries to be helpful?

Author’s Note: Damn Mark was my first bias when they debuted and they were like babies back then, and now he’s just being rude

Thank god it was Friday. You don’t think you’d be able to go to work tomorrow after what happened today.

The muscles in your arms were practically screaming for you to stop making so much movements. If your body had a mind of its own, it would have just dropped dead at your front door before you could even think about heading for your bed. It’s a good thing it doesn’t though because you’re not spending the Friday night on a cold floor.

You kicked your heels off and dumped your bag on the kitchen table along with your earphones, wristwatch, and glasses. Your put on your Spotify playlist on your phone’s loudspeaker, (shakily) tied up your hair in a messy bun and quickly stripped your clothes off before going in the toilet.

You planned on taking a hot bath instead, but with basically your entire body aching, you wouldn’t want to risk the chance of drowning in your own tub and make an embarrassment of yourself after you’ve died.

You took a quick hot shower and though the muscle above your chest made a real fuss when you tried to wrap your towel around yourself, you exited to your room and just lied down under the fan with your back on your bed, untying your hair which was a bit sweaty.

It was only a bit after 5PM and you just wanted to sleep off the pain. As you were about to doze off, your phone went off. You would’ve ignored it but there was only person you set that ringtone to and you weren’t going to miss it for the world.

You picked it up and put it on speaker. You groaned instead of saying ‘hello’.

“Babe? You there?”

“Yeah” you croaked.

“You okay, princess?” Mark asked softly. Not soft enough apparently because you hear Jackson, Bambam and Yugyeom going off on ‘princess’ at the background, teasing Mark to death. You also hear Jaebum telling them to shut it, but even that wasn’t enough.

You laughed in response. GOT7’s currently having their comeback so it’s that time again where you’d be spending less time with your boyfriend but it’s not something you’re not used to. You do miss the boys though.

“I’m okay, just tired. What’s up?” you asked.

“You sure? I mean I’m planning on coming over anyway so I’ll see how you’re doing” he went on.

“Wait what?” you mumbled.

“Ah yeah, Music Bank is cancelled and the manager-hyung gave us the day off until tomorrow morning before Music Core. We’re just about to leave the dressing room. I’m coming over okay. Need anything?”

“Just you” you groaned, because you moved, well, tried to move, your hand to reach for your phone.

As if the people in the background knew what you were talking about, you heard Jackson screaming at the top of his lungs and Bambam and Yugyeom going “why why why” and you just knew Jackson was eavesdropping on the conversation, placing his ear at the other side of Mark’s phone.

You could also just imagine the scene unfolding in front of Mark because of that misunderstanding: Jackson being the gossip king that he is and spilling everything he heard and the maknae line just going “woo ooo ohh” and “gET IT MARK” all over the room and completely reading the context wrong.

You heard Mark grumble at the other end of the line and you tried to hold your laughter because laughing actually hurts your abdomen so you just smiled really wide instead.

“I’ll tell you all about it when you come over, okay?” you assured him. “Is everyone else coming over too?”

“Oh hell no. I’m not bringing these guys,” he said out loud, just to sass the other boys in the room.

“WHAT WHYYY” you heard Bambam whining.

“We want to see the sister-in-law too,” Jackson said. “You alwAYS HOG HER TO YOURSEL-” 

“She’s my girlfriend,” you heard Mark yelled back

“Mark-hyuuuuuung” Yugyeom continued.

“Y’all little shits keep going like this and I’ll block all of you on her phone.”

Jackson dramatically gasped. “You wouldn’t!”

Mark just stuck out his tongue.

You heard some shuffling from the other line and Jackson screaming “Don’t worry, sis! We’ll see you soon – Mark can’t keep you away from us long!!”

It got less noisy so you assumed Mark went out of the room to keep his sanity intact. He can only take the teasing (and Jackson) for so long. You heard him sigh.

“Sorry about that,” he said.

“It’s alright. Tell them I miss them, okay” you caved in, and laugh. “Ow,”

“Now I really want to know what happened. Not a casual day at work?” he mused.

“Ugh it was casual, alright. A little too casual. Get here quick,” you whined.

Mark just laughed. “Okay, okay, just give me 15 minutes or so. Are you sure you don’t need anything else besides me?” he teased.

Almost on cue, your stomach grumbled. You groaned, eating is the last thing you wanted to do. Imagining all the energy you need to use just to feed yourself. But you’re not going to starve yourself no matter how tired you are.

“Can you uh, bring food? But like nothing too heavy. Imagine feeding a sick person,” you replied.

“Are you sick?” he started to worry.

“Nooo, but just imagine. I want something light” you said.

“Okay…” he said sceptically. “See you later.”

“Don’t worry about it too much. See you.”

***

About 20 minutes later you heard your front door open and Mark calling your name. “Room,” you managed to shout back.

“Baby, what happened?” he quickly sat down next to you.

Before you could answer, he leaned in and kissed you. Mark’s kisses are always soft and you can always feel how needy it is when he misses you. And you haven’t seen him in weeks, which made the kiss feel even more breath-taking. One of his hands went up to hold your face and almost automatically, your hand raised to touch his hand… until your triceps ache because it was stretched and you squeaked in shock.

Mark opened his eyes and slowly pull back, looking at you squeezing your eyes shut.

You shook you head and just groaned in response and told him to get your underwear and his black hoodie from your closet.

“Oh... so this was where it went,” you heard him mutter, not sure if you were supposed to hear that.

You managed to smile cheekily when he turned to you. All girlfriends steal their boyfriends’ hoodies. It’s almost nature.

“Okay just sit down for a bit. I’m stiff,” you said. “But I need you to help put them on for me later.”

He lifted an eyebrow. “Not off?” he pouted.

“If I wasn’t in this condition I wouldn’t have asked you to take clothes for me, babe”

He sat down next to you, chuckling. “Tell me,” he started.

“Okay, last week was hell since it was the end of the month and you know banks go crazy at the end of the month trying to close off and balance the accounts and checking everything.”

“So, this week a little bit more relaxed, not to mention that today was Friday and more than half of the office was already playing around after lunch. The boss said to take today easy and we weren’t about to make him change his mind. You remember Minho? The gym enthusiast? I had a project with him earlier this year. I think I told you about it,” you said and he nodded, concentrating on your story.

You continued. “He came over to my table and I was with my other colleagues and he was like “Hey, you guys want to try this 7-minute full body workout?” and since I had no better things to do, I just went on with it – everyone at the table too since Minho was basically coaxing everyone and saying it was ‘just 7 minutes’. And so there we were, doing jumping jacks and squats and planking! Can you believe planking?! Halfway I thought I was going to pass out but I wasn’t about to lose to not holding on for 7 minutes, you know?” he laughed, taking a hint at where this was going already.

“It was like 30 seconds for every exercise and a 10-second break but what the fuck, I was just about ready to throw up after 3 minutes. What really did it was the triceps dip, push-up, and lunges combo. Everyone was basically dry heaving at this point and cursing and Minho was just laughing his ass off. So here I am, regretting my life decisions sometimes.”

You closed your eyes, trying to forget the pain when it happened. Mark looked like he was holding his laugh big time. “It’s okay. You can laugh. My lazy ass deserves this,” you said, defeated. And he went off. This boy had a really contagious laugh too so you found yourself somewhat laughing along with him.

His hand went to hold yours after he was done, tears in his eyes from laughing too much. “I really thought you got sick or something, but I didn’t expect this. Where does it hurt?” he asked, lightly squeezing up your arms.

“Everywhere. It was a full body exercise, Mark. It’s basically as bad as the first time we had sex. I’m aching everywhere. Well, except down there but you get the idea.”

You thought you saw the look in his eyes slightly darkened but he laughed and gave you an empathetic smile. “That bad?”

You whimpered.

“There, there,” he said, patting your head. “Let’s put some clothes on you.”

You slowly sat up. Mark held out the hoodie over your head and helped pull your arms into the sleeves. You pulled the hoodie down to your thighs since it was oversize on you and fell back down on the bed.

Mark was nice enough to pull the towel off you and let it spread on the bed. He went back to putting on your underwear.

His hand touched your calf to lift it up and you moaned, not sure if it was reflex or because you felt a muscle pull at your thigh. Maybe both. Mark looked at you and you knew he was confused on how to react, but he went on to the other leg and did the same. It’s halfway up your legs now and you tried really hard not to make any weird sound.

Until his hand touched your inner thigh and even you were confused on how to react when you let out a breathy moan. It felt good but it also hurt.

“I didn’t know this was going to be hotter than taking them off, baby girl,” he said, voice sounding a bit strangled. He was kneeling in between your legs now. His brows strained and his eyes dark.

And then his hands were at your hips and he had no idea what he was doing anymore. He let out a breathy “Can I?” and you found yourself nodding.

His thumb was on your clit and you exhaled, as if you’ve been holding in your breath the entire time. He was slowly going in circular motions when you mewled. You could feel his finger was trembling, trying to hold back. He let himself palm you and you almost jerked.

“So wet for me, princess. Even when you’re in pain,” he smiled apologetically at you. “Sorry,” he whispered. You moaned his name, hoping he’d get that it’s okay.

You did miss him. What’s one more place to ache, anyway? You laughed at yourself. Sadist.

Mark slid one finger in to you, going at a slow pace. When he felt you loosening up, he inserted another finger and pumped in and out of you, going a bit faster.

You were a panting mess by then, cursing and moaning. You know he doesn’t want to hurt you, considering the condition you were in but going at this pace was torture so you bucked your hips, knowing your sorry ass is in pain.

“Even in this state, you have the energy to be needy,” he chuckled.

“Yeah, well, my energy’s running out and I’m spending it on this,” you growled, impatient.

He curled his fingers inside you and your breath hitched. He continued thrusting in and out of you, looking a bit of a mess too. He went faster and you felt his fingers hit that spot and your walls automatically clenched down on his fingers.

He groaned, knowing what that means. “Shit. Tell me, baby. How does it feel?” His hand went your stomach and slowly snaked it way up to your breast, kneading on your nipple.

“Good, s-so good” you whispered. Trying to hold it out a bit longer, you started breathing in and out, and focusing on something else, anything else. But with Mark slowly becoming undone right in front of you and the small wet patch on his sweatpants, it didn’t do much to help. Sweat was slowly appearing on his forehead, his hair was still styled nicely from the performance, and he’s biting his lower lip to get a grip of himself but it’s doing things to your imagination.

You tightened on his fingers again when he kept hitting that spot and a knot was forming in your stomach. “Close. Really close,” you managed to choke out along with some profanities and his name and you heard Mark mumbled “fuck” and sped his fingers.

When you can’t hold it in anymore and you’re talking but you don’t know what came out your mouth, you heard him say, “Be a good girl and cum for me. Show me how I made you feel.”

“A-h shit, shit… holy fuck” you screamed as you felt him thumb pressing on your clit again and felt the ache in your lower abdomen and thighs clenching and found yourself releasing on his fingers which were still pumping you. Your vision blurred and he kept going until you went down from your high, breathing returning to a normal pattern and you realised you’ve balled up your fist the entire time because it hurts to lift them but as you slowly loosen your grip, your hands were shaking.

Your eyes slowly coming to focus with what just happened. Mark licked his fingers and you whimpered, clearly seeing it.

He quickly pulled your underwear up your waist before he loses himself again. He slowly dragged away the towel beneath you and quickly ran off to put it in the laundry and also took the extra boxers he left to use whenever he’s sleeping over and pulled it over your underwear.

He came up to your face and kissed you, smiling.

“Okay, just to be clear, I didn’t come here planning to do that. I thought we were just going to cuddle and fall asleep a-and it’s just- you were just-“ he sputtered.

You laughed and pushed him up (wincing in the process) so you were both sitting. You leaned forward, lightly pecked his lips. “It’s okay, I got lost in it too. I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too,” he said, holding your hands in his and looking into your eyes.

“What are we going to do about you, though?” you chuckled, and pressed your palm on the persistent tent in his sweatpants.

“Huh? What –“ and his eyes widen when you did that and he struggled to breathe out. “Don’t worry about it. It’ll go away later –“

“But you didn’t –“

“It’s okay,” he pressed. “It’s not as bad as it looks. I’m going to take a shower now and then change before you make a fuss out of this. We’re going to eat and I’m going to cuddle you to sleep.”

It doesn’t make you feel any better but you stopped prodding him. He got up to the bathroom and cheekily winked at you before closing the door. You just shook your head and slowly got off your bed, trying to learn to walk again.

Again, you felt every part of you telling you to get back to bed but not moving would probably make it worse tomorrow morning. You tried stretching a bit and it’s already got you sweating again. You decided just to go see what Mark brought for dinner.

Bibimbap and black bean noodles in one plastic bag… hmm that’s probably his since you don’t eat that much and… fishball soup with noodles! Truly the way to a woman’s heart is through her stomach.

You didn’t realise you used this much muscle to pull a chair. When you sat down, you felt Mark kissed the top of your head and sat down next to you. “Is that enough?” he asked.

“Yeah I don’t plan on eating much. I was already so tired and then thanks to someone I’m even more tired. Now I can definitely say it hurts everywhere.” You pouted.

He happily kissed away your pout. Mmm… you took in his scent and sighed in content. Mark always smells comforting.

Later, both of you spent the night on the couch, huddled together with you leaning onto his body, fingers lazily playing together, and catching up.

As it reached midnight, you were definitely getting sleepy. You were already sleepy before but Mark was going on about the funny things that happened preparing for the comeback and you couldn’t just fall asleep on him. He doesn’t talk a lot so you’re not going to ruin it when he does.

When you noticed he yawned, you yawned too and hugged into him, closing your eyes. He lifted you and carried you to your room. He laid down next to you and you turned to hug him. He kissed your head again and draped his free hand over your shoulder, softly rubbing his thumb to get you to fall asleep.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

[noretreatnancy]

January Reading Wrap-Up

Okay so I want to start typing up a little summary/review for each of the books I read this year, so that maybe some of my followers can find some new titles! This month I read 5 romances, 2 fantasies, 2 non-fiction (a memoir and a recounting of some supposedly true paranormal events), and 1 mystery/thriller. If you’re interested in any of those genres, maybe check out the reviews under the cut :)

Mystery/Thriller

Lock Every Door by Riley Sager

Rating: 2.5/5

This book was a mega disappointment for me. The concept was really intriguing. Jules has just recently been through some life turmoil, losing her job, boyfriend, and home in the same day. She takes a job apartment sitting in a very prestigious historical building with a dark history. Weird occurrences ensue, including strict rules and missing apartment sitters. If you don’t read/watch a lot of mystery/thriller/(even true crime) content and are interested in dabbling, this could be a good choice for you. Unfortunately, I found the hints started dropping a little too early, and the answers were a little too obvious for me to be properly intrigued. I wanted a really slow burn mystery, and this just felt overly rushed for me. 

Non-Fic

In the Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado (memoir)

Rating: 5/5

I don’t usually rate non-fiction, especially memoirs, because it’s hard for me to but a grade on someone’s account of their own life. But holy shit this book blew me out of the water. This is the story of Carmen Maria Machado’s abusive same-sex relationship, and the unique struggles faced by victims of f/f relationship violence. First of all, Machado’s writing is unparralled. Absolutely gorgeous. The way she structures this, all the history and pop culture she ties in keeps it feeling fresh and engaging. The content is of course very heavy, dealing with themes of abuse in many different forms. However, imo these issues are handled with honesty and grace, in a way that never felt gratuitous. 

The Mothman Prophecies by John Keel (paranormal account)

Rating: N/A

Uhm... I hated every second of reading this. I love Mothman. I love reading/watching/listening to content around weird/spooky/paranormal occurrences. I did not love this book. It was so boring. Total slog to read. There was no narrative structure/order of events. I assumed the story would track the beginning of weird reports in Point Pleasant, then follow Keel’s own arrival and investigation of these reports, with his own experiences and background being used to create a coherent story. That’s not what this is. This is a random arrangement of ufo/men in black/strange encounter stories that all fit a similar theme. Not to say no one would enjoy this, or that it doesn’t present interesting theories (it certainly does), just didn’t work for me. If you want a more easily digestible (and by FAR more enjoyable) version of this, check out the Astonishing Legends podcast and their episodes covering this book. 

Fantasy

Black Sun (Book 1, Between Earth and Sky) by Rebecca Roanhorse

Ratung: 4/5

Finally some good fucking food. if you’re looking for some adult fantasy with a new and interesting world, have I got a book for you. This is a multiple POV story following four main characters and two main plotlines. Xiala, a Teek (siren-esque) ship captain hired to transport Serapio (who may or may not be the vessel of an apocalypse god) to the city of Tova, where Naranpa (the Sun Priestess) is trying to navigate a city on the brink of political upheaval. The world is inspired by Pre-Columbian civilizations in the Americas, and the lore/magic/politics are all totally unlike any other fantasy I’ve read. 

Come Tumbling Down (Book 5, Wayward Children) by Seanan McGuire

Rating: 3

This was definitely a solid addition to this series, if not my favorite. The Wayward Children series follows the adventures of children who were able to enter magical worlds, but for a variety of reasons had to leave those worlds. This book most closely aligns with books one and two, almost feeling like a direct sequel to book two with the addition of characters from book three. It didn’t have the emotional impact for me that earlier books did, but there was nothing glaringly bad or wrong here. I would definitely recommend this series to anyone who enjoyed portal/doorway/wardrobe to a magical world stories as a kid. 

Romance

The Bride Test (Book 2, The Kiss Quotient) by Helen Hoang

Rating: 5/5

I love this series. I love these characters. As far as I’m concerned, Helen Hoang cannot fucking miss. This is an excellent sequel to The Kiss Quotient, but can be read on it’s own no problem. This story follows Esme, a Vietnamese woman who is enlisted to travel to the US to woo and marry Khai, an autistic man who isn’t interested in dating (much to the concern of his mother). They’re both dealing with their own issues in this book. Khai is convinced that he can’t feel love, because he’s spent his entire life being told he’s demonstrating it in the wrong way. Esme is dealing with the struggles of a new immigrant, who wants to be able to support her family back in Vietnam (including her young daughter), while also dealing with the pressure to seduce Khai. Shenanigans ensue. These books have the perfect balance of sweetness/sexy appeal/angst. There is a good deal of miscommunication/misunderstanding/secret keeping in here, but it’d ultimately a minor issue in an overall really supportive relationship full of mutual admiration. I will absolutely be reading the third book, and I highly recommend the series overall. 

She Tempts the Duke (Book 1, Lost Lords of Pembrook) by Lorraine Heath

Rating: 3/5

This was fine. I’ve read better historical romance, but I have certainly read worse. This book follows Mary and Sebastian, childhood friends separated by a tragedy. When they were children, Sebastian and his brothers were forced to flee for their lives based on the actions of their power hungry uncle. Now, as adults, they have returned to reclaim their father’s title. Mary, who helped them escape, has just been allowed back into society after a childhood in a convent, and she must work extra hard to maintain her reputation in order to maintain her engagement. I’m sure you can imagine where it goes from there. The story itself is very simple, there were no twists or unexpected turns. The childhood friends aspect could’ve been played up more imo, but I did enjoy the care between the two leads. They really want what’s best for each other. The most interesting aspect for me was the relationship between the brothers, and how they’ve all been changed and hardened by their pasts.

Spoiler Alert by Olivia Dade

Rating: 3.5/5

This was cute! The book follows Marcus (a major actor in a GOT-esque blockbuster fantasy TV show on the rocks) and April (fan of the show). April and Marcus both write fanfiction for the same ship (half of which is Marcus’s own character), and have developed a strong online friendship, both keeping their identities secret. If anyone were to find out that Marcus writes show critical fanfic, he would be in serious legal trouble, not to mention what it would do to his reputation. April has been keeping her fandom life separate from her real life, in order to maintain credibility in her career. However, a new work environment gives her the confidence to be more open about her passions. April posts a cosplay of herself as one of the characters from the show (the other half of their ship). April is plus-size, and her cosplay gets a lot of attention, some of which being internet typical negativity. Marcus sees this hate online, and is so upset by it that he publicly praises her and asks her on a date (not knowing April is his fanfic buddy). Shenanigans ensue. I liked this book a lot, I thought the concept was cute and I loved how sweet Marcus was at all times. The relationship felt really grounded in the friendship/common interests of the characters. There is a lot of misunderstanding/miscommunication in this book, to the point where I did become frustrated, even if it is understandable based on the insecurities of the characters. 

Take A Hint, Dani Brown (Book 2, The Brown Sisters) by Talia Hibbert

Rating: 4/5

Zaf I am in love with you. This is the second book in the series but you can totally read it on its own without the context of the first book. This is the story of Dani (a bi phd student with a no relationship rule) and Zaf (an ex-pro rugby player turned security guard who loves romance novels and deals with extreme anxiety). Zaf and Dani work in the same building on a college campus, and have developed a casual friendship. During a fire drill gone wrong, a video of Zaf rescuing Dani goes viral, with everyone thinking they are a couple. Zaf wants to use the publicity to help his charity organization (helping teen boys learn emotional maturity), Dani wants a no-strings sex arrangement with Zaf, fake-dating ensues. This series is the blueprint for healthy relationships built on mutual respect and admiration, with two characters learning to deal with their own issues with the help and support of their potential romantic partner. If you don’t usually read romance bc of the genre-typical problematic content, consider checking this series out. 

One Foot in the Grave (Book 2, Night Huntress) by Jeaniene Frost

Rating: 3/5

This series follows Cat, a half human/half vampire hybrid who hunts vampires. In this book, set four years after the first, she is the leader of a vampire hunting secret government kill squad. Her ex-lover, the vampire Bones, who trained her and is basically the love of her life, reappears after four years of separation. They are very, very obviously Buffy and Spike (if Spike was a good guy). It was better than the first one. More/better humor, Cat is much less annoying. I liked the relationship dynamics, particularly with Cat and her team. It really kind of negates the big conflict set up at the end of the first book, so that all the relationship drama there feels very pointless. There is a TON of woman/woman hate in this series and it’s so cringey. I try to be lenient bc the books are old and I know that kind of attitude was common back then, but oh my god is it gross and weird. There is literally ONE female character Cat views in a positive lights, and she literally disappears into thin air 1/4 of the through the book. I wish the romance wasn’t so rushed (a complaint I had in the first book as well). If you like paranormal romance and don’t mind a pretty dated read, this series could be fun for you. 

Other

Rooms by Lauren Oliver

Rating: 3/5

I have no idea what genre to call this (literary fiction?? kind of??). It’s a ghost story and the story of a pretty messed up family dealing with their issues. The writing is really pretty, but the story feels kind of without substance. Like there are multiple POVs (the two ghosts haunting the house, the mother of the family, the sister and the brother, the niece), but none of them really struck any cords with me. I never felt emotionally connected to anyone. It was a really easy read, I enjoyed the writing. The concept was interesting. It just felt a little hollow and pointless to me, which sounds really harsh considering I by no means hated it. 

[oathkeeper-of-tarth]

So I finally came home after 3 weeks of outdoor toil in pleasant sub-zero conditions, because someone lovingly scheduled work at sea for the middle of December (because of course the people making the decisions are not the people actually freezing outside at any point, but whatever). Anyway, I am indeed alive and, priorities being what they are, I made it to a late-night showing of The Last Jedi, woo! I got a really nice print with my ticket, too.

Short version: I like it the more I think about it and I can’t wait to rewatch, I loved how meta it was and the points it was making, I felt very catered to in various ways, including politically, which is always nice.

Rambly spoilery thoughts under the cut.

I loved so much about Luke (I first typed “everything” here but then I remembered the... milk... and noped out, ay). I felt his arc, while painful in many ways, was very on point and appropriate and made perfect sense. The whole going from cutting himself off from the Force, to more powerful than you can possibly imagine, not in a fight an entire army with a laser sword “badass” way, while still echoing those words - it was so... Jedi. The projection scene with all of its building hints that something is up was amazing, and one of the parts I’m most looking forward to seeing again. The binary sunset, an image carved so deeply into my mind way back when that’s stuck with me so closely and for so long that I can’t help but slip it into so many things I do - seeing it here, and in such a very... purposeful and peaceful full circle context, sure was something. Those kids at the end there? Playing with their Luke Skywalker action figure and being inspired by his tale? The best kind of meta. I actually have a ton of feelings and thoughts about the entire being a legend thing and making people into legends and sources of hope and all but I’m still processing.

Yoda! Yoda!!! Suddenly I was a tiny kid watching a worn out VHS of Empire again. The little troll, damn, nothing the girl doesn’t already possess, huh, I see you there, I see you. And with such a good lesson about failure - one that I feel echoes nicely throughout the movie.

Can we take Gwendoline Christie and put her in a big franchise where she won’t be criminally underused? Thanks. I was really, really looking forward to a whole Phasma vs Finn thing, as Finn and his story and the whole renegade stormtrooper thing ended up being my favourite parts of TFA, so while the scene was cool, and Finn well and truly finding and choosing his place and life as Rebel Scum was wonderful, it was all way shorter and less prominent than I expected, alas (would’ve been nice to see some of that “surviving at all costs, loyalty to nothing and nobody” from Phasma contrasted with him here - maybe in the, uh, next one? Because she totally survived that fall, right? Of course she did.). MORE FINN.

Every second of Leia’s screentime was a gift, she is powerful in so many ways, both as a direct actor and as an icon and beacon of hope for so many, I dearly loved how this was all acknowledged (some of it with a big whiff of FINALLY! for me). I am saddened by the way this whole movie was building up towards a big Leia arc in IX which we now won’t see, and I genuinely don’t know what they’ll do with the story. “No one's ever really gone.” wow, thanks for that shot direct through my goddamn heart. Also, I’m looking at you, AO3 Leia/Holdo tag. I’ve got my eye on you.

Rose I love to bits and I am so glad we got to meet her. It might sound silly but the best way to summarise my feelings on her would be, honestly, if she were an actual person and we met in real life, we’d get on like a house on capitalism-hating fire. Her quote about protecting what you love as the true point of resistance is a huge and important thing, I think, and for me tied into the whole thing about... basing your actions, your activism, what you try to do and what you fight for, on furthering a cause you care for and a desire to genuinely improve the world and the rights and lives of a certain group of people, as opposed to doing it to tear someone else down, prove yourself superior or make yourself look good in some way. I would have liked to see more of her and Finn’s relationship developing (and reeeeally really hope there’s nothing resembling a love triangle in the next movie, nobody needs those).

The (non)answer given here about Rey’s parentage is, honestly, what I’ve pretty much been rooting for. Between this and Rogue One, I dig the stepping away from dynasties and secret family ties and bloodlines as the sources of power and heroism. And the Force bond thing threw me back to KOTOR2 and ah, Kreia.

Also just... casually seeing women everywhere? Pilots, engineers, bridge crew, on all sides? It just felt... good.

I have very, very little personal emotional investment (to put it mildly) in Kylo Ren but I liked the direction he was taken here, the subversion of Rey’s and some of the audience’s expectations or even wishes re: redemption etc. (with another bit of the theme of drawing on stories and legends that the OT became - Luke got through to Vader in the end there, right? That’s how it’s going to go, right, how it’s supposed to, when Rey tries it?).

Porgs were pretty cute and not obnoxiously overused as I vaguely feared they might end up being.

Location shooting for Canto Bight was done here - not in the exact city I live in, but altogether close enough for the “wretched hive of outwardly more high-class scum and villainy drawing their obscene wealth from war profiteering” to hit very close to home in ways I’m sure were not intended.

Conclusion: would probably watch 5 movies about Finn and Rose Destroying Capitalism, thanks.