#so it’s just initial thoughts and memories

[dao-afterdark]

oubaitori (i)

tags/warnings: homophobia (from reader and his family), stereotypes against gay/queer men/people, abuse/threats of death(all in the flashback part), reader can be seen as not an entirely good person, hurt/comfort, angst, financial abuse, manipulation, queer themes.

notes: FINALLY. My god this took forever!! I really, really hope you guys like this first part! I think for sure the nsfw will start on part 2! Please understand that the reader may come off as unlikable, and that’s for a reason. Let me know if there any mistakes, I won’t let this be reblogged just yet in case I need to fix something major lol. Silly notes: Xiao’s bio is here and here’s Wei’s! I see zeno robinson’s voice being what Wei sounds like, and for Xiao’s voice, I see reagan murdock’s!

word count: 3,062

Your new roommate, Bingwei Gu, or Wei as he’s so readily and happily allowed you to call him, is interesting to say the least.

He’s energetic, unapologetically himself, and can at times be unreasonable and temperamental. He’d either wear an introvert down, or save them by carrying most, if not all, social interactions. For the most part he’s cool in your book, and apparently not exactly a playboy type like you first initially pinned him as.

“So who was that..?”

“Some dude I had an arrangement with. He knew I wasn’t looking for anything serious. He showed me is freaky side— a nonsexual freakiness, mind you— and, well, that happened. Sorry again.”

“Aren’t you worried about his threat?”

“Pfft! Me, worried? I get threats often enough. I’ll be fine!” Wei replies with a confident and playful grin.

You’re not sure whether to be worried about his careless response, or admire him for his conviction.

Eh, it’s not your job to worry, especially since he’s somewhat your senior. Clearly he’s got it all covered.

Settling into your new place wasn’t hard though. It’s lavish and comfortable, showcasing your roommates wealth, and Wei was adamant about helping out despite your assurance that you’d be fine, and he hardly left your side until it was time to turn in for the day. He was also generous enough to take care of the rent entirely, understanding that you’re already tight on funds, and stated that he hardly ever had to worry about rent anyways.

It worried you at first, not fond of the idea and slightly uneasy of the thought of him asking for something in return, especially if it’s something inappropriate.

But with Wei’s sticky sweet attitude, and the fact that he’s clearly well off, you prioritize your needed necessities to survive; college books aren’t exactly cheap after all!

The blessings don’t stop there though. On your first official day of the fall semester, Wei insisted on being your tour guide and took you all over the campus, and with his presence being beside you, you caught the curious stares and saw how- unsurprisingly- popular he is. Sparks of excitement light up in your chest. With Wei being popular and you being in his circle, surely you’ll gain some attention you can benefit from.

The school is grand, and proud, the buildings portraying a mix of sophistication and contemporaneous in its design. It’s been around for some time and only accepted the best of the best while offering vault of vast knowledge.

“And here’s the cafeteria! Food’s pretty damn good here, not gonna lie. Like it’s not like the shit you got in high school.”

Judging by the smell, you can definitely agree on that. The cafeteria is spacious and cozy, it almost makes you feel like you’re on some movie set!

Your tour with Wei comes a near conclusion as you arrive at the student government office, and one of the names on the pristine plaque catches your eye and sparks a memory.

“President Bai Xiao? Wasn’t—?”

“The president meant to show you around? Yeah,” Wei replies with a gleeful little grin.

You don’t know whether to laugh or stew with worry.

“Am I to assume that you’re Mr. (L/N)?” comes a sudden deep, and authoritative voice from behind, followed with well measured clicks from his heels.

“Speak of the devil and he shall appear~,” Wei grins, not bothering to hide his voice and dismissed your quick pointed look.

President Bai Xiao is a tall man standing at 6’3, and dressed sharply in crisp, grey slacks, a pristine white button up with a dark blue sweater vest and tie, and on his feet are dark, clean leather dress shoes. There’s not a single wrinkle, or stain on him; truly the image of perfection to some, and a try-hard to others.

Even his hair is meticulously well taken care of. Long, blue-black with a single strip of white, clean, and without frizz as it’s held up tightly with a hair tie.

Subconsciously, you straighten up your posture as his brown and blue eyes fall onto you after briefly stopping on Wei. Remembering that he inquired about your identity, you quickly nod your head. “Yes, that’s me! (Y/N) (L/N)!”

“Is there any specific reason why you weren’t with the rest of the new students?” he asks, his eyes never leaving yours; everywhere yours moved, he made sure to follow them.

“I was showing my new friend around,” Wei chimes in before you can answer, giving you a friendly bump.

Xiao’s eyes then cut to Wei, his eyes narrowing just a little more and his lips curling with quiet displeasure. “Gu Bingwei,” he mutters.

“President,” Wei mocks quickly in return.

“You’re meant to be in your business lecture right now,” Xiao continues, ignoring Wei’s blatant disrespect, arms crossing. The material strains just slightly you notice.

“I know, I know!” Wei carelessly replies, waving his hand as if shooing away a pesky fly. “But I can afford to skip at least once or twice!”

“Although unadvised, you’re not failing at least. But it was my job to do, so please don’t worry about it next time.”

“I’m not exactly sure why you’re getting onto me,” he starts, his lips, coated with with a little bit of shine, form into a pout full of faux innocence before he’s back to smirking. “You should be thanking me for helping you with your load~.”

What the hell!?

Your eyes practically bug out as you stiffly tick your head towards Wei, appalled and disgusted at his crude behavior, but can you say you’re surprised? You aren’t, but you are just a little, thinking Wei had a little more class than that. But from your experience and knowledge, most queers don’t have a filter or shame.

Discomfort and heat overcome you, and you give Xiao an apologetic stare. Xiao clearly is a straight man, because no queer or gay man dresses so… Sophisticated like that! Usually gay men loved to show skin and be different and or feminine. The only feminine thing about Xiao is his hair length. And besides, Xiao doesn’t look like the type to be promiscuous, unlike Wei.

Xiao’s face was like a stone, eyes clouded with tiniest hint of confusion before his handsome face twists, aghast, face flushing faintly. Finally, he schools his expression, letting out a simple sigh of disappointment before giving you his undivided attention, his face still tainted with a hint of blush.

“I welcome you to our school, (Y/N) (L/N). Don’t hesitate to come to me or my other council members for any questions or concerns that you have. And please,” he says, almost staring into your soul with those piercing eyes of his. “Abide the rules.”

“Y-Yeah, sure…”

And with that, and without a word to Wei, he heads into his office, closing the door sharply that it made you flinch, secondhand embarrassment squeezing your gut. “What was that??”

Wei shrugs, his grin wolfish and shameless. “What? I love getting under his skin!”

“Dude!” you stress, gritting your teeth slightly. “That’s the student council president!”

Wei is still amused and he rolls his eyes in an exaggerated manner. “Doesn’t matter to me, and it shouldn’t matter what he thinks about you,” he tells you, beginning to take languid steps away from the office, hands in his pocket.

“…Do you guys have history or something?” you asks after debating whether or not to keep hanging around him or not, planting yourself at his side.

“We do. Been fucking around with him since we were young.”

Wei didn’t elaborate, quickly jumping into the next topic, curious about your thoughts on the school and everything else. Fortunately for you though, you find out the history between your roommate and President Bai.

In short, they’re academic rivals from affluential families, but at first it the rivalry seemed one sided, Xiao not caring about anyone but his own progress and achievements, and Wei who was here to live life to the fullest in his own way. The moment when Wei, a mostly carefree individual, suddenly knocked Xiao from his pedestal as the top student, it was like a switch went off.

It was almost like a war zone, especially when it came time for selecting who would be the president of the student council. They were neck and neck, and the moment when Wei received more votes than Xiao, he dropped out of the race, claiming he really didn’t want all that troublesome work, and he just wanted to get under Xiao’s skin, to get him to see that he’s not perfect as the man thinks he is.

You can’t say you’re too surprised to hear how petty Wei is… Although, it was funny, you can’t lie about it.

And, you’re not sure why this thought even appeared in your mind in the first place, but you wondered if they happened to have fallen in bed with each other…

But there’s no way that’s possible. President Bai would never entertain such an idea, and you’re a 100% sure he’s straight as a bean pole.

One things for certain though, there’s layers to Wei and you’re sure he’s gonna keep your college life busy and entertaining.

—

The home you were born and raised in wasn’t really a home.

The definition of home is a place where one lives permanently, especially as a member of a family or household. But there’s more to it than just a vessel living in a furnished shell, or having clothes on your back.

Everyone’s definition of a home is different, to some it’s a person, but the principles are all the same. You’re meant to be safe, and happy; where you’re meant to thrive.

The place you grew up in was nothing but a turbulent prison. To everyone looking at you and your parents, they didn’t see the cracks, or maybe they did. But many seemingly believed the honeyed smiles and lies that you tried so hard to keep up.

Your father, the main patriarch of the household, was a star quarterback in his glory days, until he got injured and was forced to quit. Football was all he had, all he was, so he became nothing but a miserable drunk to nurse the pain and wallow in his failures.

Then there’s your mother… The main homemaker until she had to work when your father wouldn’t. In old photos you’ve seen of her, there was a noticeable spark in her eyes, her smile vibrant and wide, but now the spark is absent, sorrow and hollowness taking it’s place.

As her son, you’re one of her only sources of joy in her rotten, unlucky life, and she clings onto you like a starved creature in the wild.

Unfortunately, your mother poked the drunk bear and it changed everything…

At the age of 12, your mother was exposed for having an affair with the next door neighbor, Ms. Jackson. She was a very kind woman who baked delicious things she’d share with your family.

Your father raised hell when he found out. He dragged you out of your room by the back of your shirt and made you watch as he battered your mother black and blue, and she took it despite her pleadings for forgiveness. If you moved an inch, protested in any way, you caught a beating as well.

“Boy, if I ever catch you being gay, I’ll make sure they never find your body; do you understand me?!”

That threat never left you, it being permanently branded into the wrinkly folds of your brain. Not that it should matter.. You’re not into men.

From then on, your life grew into something more violent, suffocating, and lonely.

Ms. Jackson soon fled the small town you lived at, her reputation crumbling, and your mother not defending her. Your mother became even more of a shell of herself and did everything she could to fix what she couldn’t fix. She pleaded for forgiveness and sought out affection from you when your father didn’t want to be bothered by her, content with his poison of choice.

You didn’t want to deal with her either. Because of her, you barely had privacy, because of her, your father had forced her to stay at home so he can keep an “eye on her”, that meant you had to work more and he pocketed most, if not all your money for himself, and your mother trying to pacify your rightful anger by telling you “he’s your father and he needs it. I promise you’ll get it back”.

Of course you’re hardly did get it back.

Because of the situation you got into bad habits. You didn’t allow much touch, unless it was strictly from your girlfriends, but even then you wouldn’t let them coddle you too much, and you kept it brief when it was your sports-mates. You started having sex early to prove your masculinity and to assure your sexuality. You repressed emotions you deemed weak, and did anything else to prove that you’re a man, waiting for the chance to escape your dreadful parents.

Now, you can’t say that you hate your mother, but you know you can’t rely or save her when she’s so adamant about sticking by your father despite how pathetic he is.

As for him, you wish nothing but the worst for him. He wanted you to be a man, but he himself isn’t one since he chose to wallow in his own self pity rather than adjust to the bad hand left dealt him.

He could drop dead and you wouldn’t care.

And to this day you still believe it.

—

[Mother]: Hi, baby! Mom misses you so much! I hope school has been good… We miss you here at the house!

[Mother]: The holidays are coming up and we’d love it if you could come home for them! It’d be hard on us to not see you, you know..? We’ve always spent holidays together after all.. Anyways! I love you, honey, please don’t go silent on me, okay..?🥺🤗❤️

Your phone trembles in your hold, your knuckles cracking quietly as your grip gradually becomes unforgiving. By now, the screen has long since gone black when you were lost in your haze of depressing and infuriating memories.

It’s as if a stitched up wound was split open again, your vulnerability that you try so hard to bury and forget flooding back and staining you all over again.

Why couldn’t she just get the hint?

There’s a light, warm nudge against your knee that brings you back into the present. Wei’s gaze is full of concern and confusion, the corners of his smooth lips inched downward by a thread, and his well maintained brows are pinched. The TV screen is still stuck on the pause menu when you finally moved your gaze from his face.

Christ, how long where you just sat there staring and brooding??

“You good? You just sorta went quiet. What’s wrong?”

It’s easy to tell that he’s trying not to work himself, or you up. You can see the cogs behind his eyes working into overdrive as he tries to figure out what’s possibly causing you stress.

Words are caught in your throat as you weigh your choices. It’s been 1 1/2 months since you moved in with Wei, and your relationship has grown.

Wei, despite being an arrogant hypocrite, is an overall nice guy to have in life. He’s different than your usual type of friend since you’ve never really had a queer friend before.. He’s affectionate and touch was one of his main ways of expressing it, but thankfully he knows the limits.

Talking about your turmoil could help, but why would you need to talk about it..? You’ve been doing fine before, why this time are you feeling as though you’re about to burst at the seems?

Wei continued to watch you and soon lets out a sigh, smiling with reluctance. “Hey, you don’t gotta tell me everything or anything at all. I just wanna make sure you’re alright. I’m here for you in anyway you need me.”

The cracks expand in your resolve, and your mouth movies before you can stop it. “It’s family stuff… My mother is asking about me coming down for the holidays…”

“Oohh. So family drama, I see. Why don’t you block them? Actually, never mind, silly question.”

You reply with a weak laugh.

Wei raised up from the couch, adjusting his clothes while speaking. “Like I said, I’m here for you if you need advice, to bitch, a shoulder to cry on, anything, dude.”

Your heart aches as it’s squeezed tight, a knot forming in your throat, but you steel yourself as best as you could, swallowing it all like bitter medicine.

Wei then turns the game off and puts the controllers on their port since clearly you’re in no shape to continue your pvp match. ‘How embarrassing… Do something..’

“Do you want a hug?”

A hug?? You don’t need a hug. Does he like you or something…? No, that’s not nice, but-.

“Look,” Wei cuts through your tangled mess of thoughts. He slowly turns to look at you, a knowing expression on his face. “It’s nothing complicated, alright? I’m asking because I think you need one, but it’s up to you. I’m just being a good friend.”

A twinge of guilt eats away at you, but you can’t bring yourself to face it right now. “Right. Of course.. Sure!”

To late to back track.

Wei’s smile grows softer, his shoulders easing just faintly. He returns over to your side and plops down, closer than he was originally when you both were gaming. Your heart beats like a race horse, but you maintain an easy breath.

You wonder who will make the first move, but Wei answers that for you by wrapping his arms around you.

And oh… Oh you feel yourself shatter like fine china. His hold is comforting, warm, and safe. His curls are soft against your cheek and fragrant, making you melt into him further.

“I don’t know the full story, but it’s gonna be okay, alright? Even if it doesn’t feel that way right now. I’m here for you.”

You’re ashamed to admit that you cried your eyes out like an unhealed child.

᭄᭡ decor credits to: @/ribbonrabbitdaycare, velaazuretail, caecusmedicus, adornedwithlight

for those who may have skipped the flashback: to summarize, it’s shows how the reader grew up in a heavily traditional environment that was surrounded by violence. Reader’s mother cheated on her husband with a woman, and it kick started the bigger problems. Reader’s father also threatens to kill him if he ever finds out he’s gay, further traumatizing him.

[lizmidfordsblog]

Record really is such an integral part of Kim Rok Soo's identity that he considers himself a non-person, useless and discardable without it. Case in point:

" This was the fall when the pretty useless Kim Rok Soo was the most useless in his life." —Chapter 555 "Pretty Useless Bastard (1)"

It gives him purpose in a world without laws, gives him value. Though our first explicit mention of Record is like chapter 300ish in the novel (during the Mercenary King's Records Arc I believe), we still see snippets of how deeply it influences him and his actions throughout the novel.

The eidetic memory he has of The Birth of A Hero, down to the most useless (self-admitted) like the backstories of the ancient powers and literal descriptions of geography (that 50 paces from the castle walls bit) etc. is one thing. But Kim Rok Soo acts on it willfully, plans for those interventions. It's a testament to his time as a Team Leader, he plans so that he never has to lose ever again.

So initially, I was a little confused why Cale brings up Record so late into the novel. I questioned whether it was out of necessity or simply because he forgot about it. Considering the weight Lee Soo Hyuk and Choi Jung Soo's deaths had on him, I don't think the latter is true. But the former ain't either, because I can think of multiple instances where it could have been useful.

Then I realized, it's because he simply does not need it to survive. In this world, Kim Rok Soo does not need his Abilities to define his self-worth. I'm sure this thought process is subconscious, since he's an awkward and dense little bean (towards his own feelings), but think about it—in his new life, he actively cultivates those around him, while actively defining himself as trash without value. Of course, his family would disagree, but this is still how Cale sees himself.

And strangely, he seems fine with it.

He seems fine with not using Record all the time, planning in a frenzy and accounting for all measures. I think this may be partially because of his trust in his family, but also because it's a testament to him becoming Cale instead of Kim Rok Soo. The past is the past, he continues to live on and becomes Cale in another world, where he doesn't need to be useful to be loved and cherished.

This kind of reflects in his mentality. He picks up On and Hong, justifying his actions by saying that he'll put them to use. Same goes for Choi Han. While it's initially a bit different for Raon, later Cale cackles that he'd use Raon too.

But since this is Cale, this is never just a single-layered statement, it's nuanced. It's a testament to how he sees and prescribes value, potential and affection to each and everyone one of them. Even when Lock is unable to go berserk at a very crucial moment, Cale still prescribes value to him, not as a tool—but as a person. As a child.

Because no one afforded Kim Rok Soo the same grace. Because the world became so fucked up that even if they wanted to, they just couldn't. Survival of the fittest, basically.

Lock doubts his value, but Cale reinforces it. Thinking back on his relationship with Record as the "value" Kim Rok Soo brought to the table (alongside that danged Instant), I think that's very beautiful. The funny thing here is, Cale recognizes how this mentality can be damaging but he only applies it to those around him, never himself.

That earlier quote is literally more than halfway through Part One. Cale is thirty-six, the dad of at least fourteen children, the commander of a kingdom in one world and an important team leader in another— and he still considers himself pretty useless and weak.

I can't pin down the quote right now, but I recall him also saying that "with this ability, even the pretty useless Kim Rok Soo was able to become a little useful." My guy is so emotionally strung he minimizes himself and his value constantly, even when he's a literal team leader.

[humanjarvis]

caleb - floating floraletter thoughts (spoilers below)

he’s such a sad character. he makes me so sad. he’ll try everything to prevent it of course but the fact that he wakes up every day expecting it to be his last but makes some warped kind of peace with it as long as you get his last words and he can see you before it happens. 🆗

when they were talking about his seemingly constant near-death experiences and he said “it’s okay. i want to return just as much as you do.” like. maybe i’m reaching but the first thing i thought of was him having to reassure us he’s not passively suicidal bc of the numbness he feels? bc he knows mc would for sure freak out about it if the thought that he wanted to die/would be okay with dying crossed her mind?

this is, what, his third explosion? it’s at least his third explosion.

the kiss. hm. i would not have done it that way or even included it in this card, i always pictured their first kiss to have a much more dramatic buildup. like. personally, if i were going to kiss my adoptivenotbrotherfriend after he faked his death and took me on a months long angst trip, i’d wait a bit longer. but what do i know?

in any case i enjoyed the symbolism of mc kissing the flower then offering it to him, as well as his resulting disbelief and gentleness at her finally making herself fully available to him. i wanted her to initiate and always thought it would make more sense, but i guess it’s gratifying, in a way, for him to get the go-ahead and then feel comfortable enough to take what he’s desired so long

anyway. he is such an important character to me. i wouldn’t put this one in my top 3 memories but i always enjoy his cards even if they Hurt. self-destructive space pilot ❤️

[windowtotheabbey]

thinking about father anthony....

you join his mass one day jus 2 watch him talk n support him, not bc you actually believe in this shit. cant deny man is he hot in that fuckass outfit. he comes up to u n asks if u enjoyed his sermon n ur like "well i enjoyed you in this sexy thing" and he offers a little laugh n his face heats up but he moves on bc .. sins r not ok!!!

lbrh you've always found him hot i mean LOOK AT HIM. sometimes at night you let your fantasies get the better of you and you work it out on the remix

can u imagine if one day he's staying over, or if you're at his. he hears shuffling n stuff n little moans so he gets. a little worried n comes over to the door, pressin an ear against it. he hears his name so naturally he opens the door ,, your hands between your legs n the other on your breast , kneading flesh and he kinda jus . stands and stares bless

eventually he scrambles out of the room and you're covering up.

after the initial embarrassment, coming back out to the living room and he's sat on the couch and internally losing his mind and praying for god's guidance. and lord have mercy he's gonna need it with the way you walk around and kneel in front of him, resting a hand on his knee. you say he could've watched, helped even. his face is heating up and he can barely look at you.

he starts harping on about how sex is only for procreation, and your eyes roll out of your skull as you stand up, taking a deep breath.

"nothing wrong with a little fun here and there," you'd say, "have you even jacked off since you converted?" his silence gives you the answer. poor things probably all pent up. you glance down, just to assess the situation. as expected, he's as hard as a goddamn rock. there's even a slight wet patch forming at the crotch of his pants. cute.

you look around the room, deciding to give anthony some space. "well, if you change your mind, you know where to find me. you're lucky i don't have my toys with me or that would've been a worse sight for you."

you start to leave, turning back around momentarily to look at him, and he was already looking at you. "oh, and you should probably sort that out," you'd say, gesturing to the situation in his pants. that's when he'd look down and realize, and his face would get impossibly redder. a hand coming up to rub his face as he tries to make himself smaller, or hide his obvious bulge from you.

after about an hour or two, you were genuinely starting to wonder if you'd pushed him too far or made him uncomfortable. you stared up at the ceiling, breathing deeply. you hadn't entirely expected him to stop in, but you hadn't heard anything from the living room since you left it. little did you know, he had since made his way to the bathroom, wondering what the hell to do with himself because touching was entirely off the table.

he stood there, staring at himself and thinking for a while, occasionally closing his eyes and seeing your previous activities in his mind again. 45 minutes went by, and he was still hard. no matter what he tried to think of to get that damn memory out of his mind, and he thought of some pretty weird shit, but his mind always quickly wandered back to you. how your fingers circled your clit, your other hands pinching your nipple. you certainly had a way of getting on his nerves.

once wouldn't hurt anyone, right?

he could (and will) confess this whole situation tomorrow, for now he settled with pushing his jeans down to his mid thighs, boxers following along. his tip was reaching just below his belly button, and he briefly thought about how far down your throat he could get, if you could take it all.

"fuck" he whispers, turning the tap on and splashing his face with cold water. he leaned against the sink, eyes closed and breathing heavy. after trying (and failing) to talk himself out of this one last time, he finally brings a hand to wrap around his cock, squeezing slightly with a hiss. a slow pump of his fist has him digging his fingers into the ceramic. he takes his bottom lip between his teeth, biting down to hold back a groan the best he could.

his mind goes back to you, ignoring the voice in the back of his head that screamed at him that what he was doing was wrong. he knows it is, but right now, he can't bring himself to care. he wonders how you'd look under him, hooking your legs behind his back as he fucks into you. he wonders if you'd like it soft, loving, or if you'd let him stuff his dick so deep inside you that you're sure your cervix will be bruised the next day.

anthony let's out a shaky breath, breaking his hand away momentarily to spit on his hand to ease the movements just a bit more. his hand resumes its motions, thumb occasionally coming to tease his slit.

and soon enough, he's fucking his fist, imagining it's you instead, taking his cock like the good girl he knows you are. his eyes squeezed shut, focusing on not being too loud. he just hopes you can't hear the slick sound of skin on skin, and his breathy moans. he's close, he can feel that coil twisting in his gut. your name is on his tongue, spilling from his lips in quick succession. he's almost there, so close so close so -

yall have got to learn how to knock before entering an occupied room.

[fandomfluffandfuck]

NEED to know if you have evanstan thots around sebs fuzzy, bald head cuz every time one of them drops a new look you have great ideas!!!!!

If you're too busy, tho, that's cool. Feel free to ignore this 😌

I am busy, too busy to take real writing requests (but still doing asks! I love answering them!) 😮‍💨😮‍💨 but apparently never too busy to have evanstan thoughts 💀💀 because while I don't have thoughts particularly related to Sebastian having shaved his head for his role in Fjord... I do have thoughts about Sebastian's continued rallying campaign to get Chris on another project with him 👀 (Y'know, this whole fucking saga that I love that boy even more for)

The thoughts are messy and unrefined, but here, courteous of my drive home:

Someone, fucking somehow, despite all the chemistry and allure of their 10 year Marvel run together, they haven't ignited anything more than a sparking friendship.

Yes, Chris and Sebastian have spent countless hours on set, goofing around, cracking open performances vulnerable and precious for millions of eyes, strung up on precarious, hilarious wires and rigs for stunts, giggling at each other, waiting, bored out of their minds between takes, and in varying states of the sleep-waking cycle as their intelligence slowly drips out of their ears being asked the same questions over and over for press in an endless loop. Yet, no, they haven't gone further. They know each other well--intimately--but not like that.

It's not like that.

The closest Chris and Sebastian have gotten to kissing is, amusingly, as Steve and Bucky. And Sebastian knows just as well as Chris how Disney feels about that.

However

Sebastian's unserious, serious battle cry to entwine their careers again, just for a short while, has fetched Chris his rose-colored glasses and perched them on his nose for convient strolls down memory lane.

And Chris finds himself taking his time as he walks back through the memories. He explained his initial pleasant downturning of texts away by claiming to be hesitant to take Sebastian away from his career when he's so fucking close to an Oscar, something he desperately deserves, c'mon, Seb, now isn't the time for you to take a break from films! Now is exactly when every director is dying to work with you!! Go do all those crazy, fearless films! Get every role that everyone else is scared to touch with a ten foot pole!

Now... Chris does, legitimately, feel that way. But, he also is always doing his favorite, least-favorite dance around his career, one foot in and one foot out. Does he want to keep acting right now? Does he want to leave his house, his dog, his family for all those months? He loves Sebastian, he does, but it's a difficult decision. His hesitancy is increased further by just how fucking good their sprint through film after film with Marvel went, except... all that was soured, wasn't it?

Chris knows he has to give up control. It's good for him to give up control sometimes. Yet, Steve was his--Steve was him--for 10 years, only to have vital parts of Steve ripped away right at the end. Sebastian, Bucky, too, was ripped away in the end.

As a result, Chris isn't eager to build something so special with one of the fucking once-in-a-life-time greats, someone so special, only to have it taken from him again.

So.

He's just... he's a big softie, okay? He's sentimental. He cries regularly at Pixar movies, tears up at every emotional commercial (especially if there's dogs involved), and feels his heart flutter in his chest with the cheesest of romcoms. Sebastian knows this. So, Sebastian should understand why it isn't an immediate, resounding yes. Sebastian is nothing if not resilient, though.

Clearly.

Chris has to chuckle, shaking his head fondly, at every public attempt. He's just as tickled by the person prods--calls and texts. It doesn't hurt, too, that his manager shows him a few fan-made pleading memes in a meeting, either.

The entertaining, nagging path Sebastian has set himself on and the rose colored glasses over Chris' vision leads Chris to do more than reminisce in his own head. He goes to the Internet. Killing time at first, he aims to find why, exactly, fans are so fanatically obsessed with the thought of Sebastian and him working together again. They know it's not going to be Steve and Bucky, right?

Right.

It turns out, seemingly, yes, some of them are thinking about their characters, but there's an awful lot of fans who are frothing at the mouth, thinking of Chris and Sebastian together. Them. As humans. Their chemistry. Not their character's chemistry and history. Chris finds posted and reposted compilations of Sebastian and him, some of them as mildly captioned as "I miss them! Their laughter is infectious!" to boldly titled "Chris Evans and Sebastian Stan Flirting" and worse.

Huh.

Chris didn't...

He, he wasn't flirting.

Was he?

Chris is no stranger to good editing and its propensity toward completely altering the telling of a story but. Jesus. There's a lot of repeat clips of the same thing.

Maybe he was flirting?

Was he really acting like that... the whole time? That entire press tour? For multiple press tours? How didn't he notice? Look in the mirror, Chris, jeez.

Shit.

How come nobody told him?

His heart does race around Sebastian, no matter how many times he sees him. It's never not exciting to see the other man. What can he say, Sebastian brings out the boy-on-Christmas-morning within him?

Soon, though, his Internet whirlpool sucks him down deeper than simple YouTube videos of strung together clips and tweets with exuberant captions and creative strings of emojis. Below the surface, Chris finds what feels a little like a conspiracy corkboard, plastered with image after image and connected by a blood red length of yarn. The Internet seems to think that they--Chris Evans, he, himself, and Sebastian Stan, not just the totally logical Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes--either were or are an item.

The thing that really fucking gets Chris sputtering, though, is how it goes beyond that. There's patterns of behavior a subset of fans have seemingly picked up on. They--a lot of them--think they know Sebastian likes to submit to his partners. Submission, in, like, a kinky way.

Oh.

Oh.

Chris... Chris doesn't know what to do with that except banish it from his mind.

Try to banish it from his mind.

It doesn't exactly work when Sebastian is constantly on his mind. Seb is everywhere. In every commercial break on TV, thank you, Thunderbolts. In every discussion of awards. In every meme he's sent. In every text. Just. Everywhere.

Seb.

Sebastian.

Sebastian Stan.

He won't get out of Chris' head.

Hell, he even won't get out of Chris' dreams.

Of course, then, the only thing to do is say yes. He does want to work with Sebastian again. He does! He loves the guy--platonically. He loves his buddy. His friend, who he does not flirt with and does not, suddenly, wonder how good of sleuths social media houses, thinking about the odds of Sebastian really liking to be told what to do in the bedroom or not.

So, as much as he voluntarily does want to work with Sebastian, Chris does also want to work with him because he's betting that after a few months of sharing green rooms with him, sharing the stage with him, and sharing a project with him, surely, he'll get sorta sick of him and forget about this whole silly little thing.

...Right?

He has to!

He's gotta do this.

Gotta--

Shit.

He can't.

He can't stop flirting with Sebastian. Through searching for their play, through casting, through rehearsals, through quick-changes, through after-show drinks, through weekends, through it fucking all, Chris just can't stop himself.

And really, by the time they lean in, lips finally against lips, it's been a long time coming. There's just one problem.

Chris, ahead of himself, vibrating with the desire to touch and hold and have, sort of forgets to ask about the whole our-entire-fandom-seems-to-think-you-like-to-be-told-you're-a-good-boy-when-you're-on-your-knees-giving-it-all-over-to-me-with-my-dick-in-your-pretty-mouth and instead, just, dives in.

And the problem isn't that Seb doesn't want it. The problem is that he wants it too much and he doesn't understand it.

So, Chris has to somehow manage to live through the mind-melting display of Sebastian being hit over the back of the head with primal desire. Oh. Oh.

It's an awakening, akin to finding religion.

The look in his eyes when it happens, too, Jesus Christ--

Chris could get off just to the heavy, almost glazed realization, hitting Sebastian's crow's-feet-lined eyes in slow motion and the wild moan that simply spilled out of his lax mouth. His devastating mouth. Those pretty pink lips and sharp jaw shadowed by that greying stubble as he moans.

Oof.

Sebastian is in heaven.

Oh, Sebastian really does like Chris' hands fisting in his grey-streaked hair, tangling it around those thick, strong fingers until he really has something to tug on. Pulling his head back, neck arching sharply, Chris' hands leaving his scalp tingling and static dripping down his spine.

Oh, he really does like to hear Chris tell him he's good. It sets off something desperately hungry and needy inside him, writhing inside, both awakening whatever the hell that is to scream that it's been starving and, at the same time, sedating it, satisfying it by feeding it enough to overfill it's stomach. Good. It's so good to be good. Chris thinks he's good! Perfect, even! He's exactly where he's supposed to be, good god, doing such a good job 🥴

Oh, he really does like having Chris' rough hands dragging, soothing, petting down his body. He's so easy and smooth until he's not. Suddenly, he's grabbing and moving him, using all that gym-honed strength building on top of a solid foundation of familiarity, knowing just how much Sebastian can take. Years of stunt work, bodies pressed together, breathing humidly in each other's faces. Chris is bending him. Manhandling him. Breaking him.

Sebastian is no fucking stranger to good sex. But, Christ, he, he, he's--

Chris is undoing him without even trying.

How does he know?

He's doing things to Sebastian that Sebastian didn't even know he wanted.

What the fuck?

How the hell has Sebastian been on fucking earth for just over four decades and never experienced this?

He is mindless, floating in a melted puddle of wax, his body just as melted with all the nerves exposed just for Chris to touch and caress, kissing him, strumming him until he sings. Chris isn't even trying. Chris isn't even looking. Chris is, is, is just--

Oh fuck.

Sebastian cums way too fucking fast, eyes rolling back in his head, a stupid, mindless, guttural sound that's supposed to be Chris' name but isn't even close to it spilling from his wide-open mouth as his body jerks and twists, writhing in pleasure, buttons hit that he didn't know he had.

What?

W h a t ?

At least, Chris isn't far behind him, crashing over the edge loud and messy. That saves Sebastian some embarrassment, but not much. How can he be a fully fucking grown man and still not realize the full extent of how he likes his pleasure?

This... this, uh, got away from me 💀

[keebwee]

no way no way LMAOOO giggling im so happy u like this

me for real me for real !!!

yeah, currently there's like, very few posts i've made on this because its mostly been in dms LMAOOOOO but i've been planning a lore dump post. there's just so much in this au. its like, the craziest found family ever. eggdad makes me crazy.

sonic is a menace in this for sure. theres that one drawing above where he robs a bank specifically bc eggman said they're low on money. ive always thought of sonic as like, morally grey in many ways, but acting as a goody two-shoes hero because that's the role he's fallen into. but with his memory gone and a new family full of villains, he's going to be kinda crazy.

i really don't think he'd like, hurt anyone, for sure. that's something i think he would never want to do unless they deserve it, and in that situation he definitely wouldn't kill anyone. he wouldn't go that far. he'd likely be going on a lot of heists n stuff. stealing materials for eggman, etc.

yes yes to bokkun and sonic baking together!! yes !!!!! they are best friends. they are so cute together <3 sonic steals things for him whenever he goes out, like candy or some fun little toy or a pastry. bokkun is like the most obnoxious little kid ever and he just follows sonic everywhere he loves this guy.

metal and sonic are so silly in this au. metal absolutely hates that sonic's there initially and eggman has to lock the room sonic's staying in while he's recovering because he does NOT trust metal to be around sonic alone. then, when sonic wakes up, he's like "woah!! this guy looks like me?? that's crazy!! hi!!" with no malice, no anger, no fear whatsoever. he just wants to be friends. and metal does not know how to react.

he definitely avoids him for the first month, but sonic always manages to find him. sage tries to convince him to give sonic a chance. i'm not sure yet what would happen to make metal finally give in, maybe its not even anything crazy. maybe sonic's just talking to him, and metal is like, damn. this guy ain't even bad. maybe it's okay to like to hang out with him.

i think my favorite part of this au is the fact that there's so much potential. sonic going missing for 7+ months is INSANE. like, everyone is going to freak out. this isn't just like, tails, amy, and knuckles out looking for him. its everyone. the chaotix are involved, and silver is actually a huge part of this, too. he's kinda the one to slowly get everyone else to be okay with sonic and eggman bein family now, because guys. the future is literally fine. this has no big consequences. let the guy make his son a grilled cheese.

i am so glad u like my funny little au that makes me so happy :)

uaghh crazy abt an au concept i made for wild kratts in like. fuck. uhhh 2022? and the account with that stuff is like hidden now etc but rapids (the au) has stuck with me so profoundly that i like to play around with it in other fandoms. basically the main idea is like. an amnesiac hero found family w/ the villains that save them. usually i dont get too far, but this time. chat ..... this time its crazy again. sonic rapids au ..... its been devouring me for months

basic premise of the sonic version of the au: sonic fall in water rapids. sonic drown ... almost. sonic hit head, gravely injured. eggman finds him unconscious and bloodied on the shore of the river. he schemes... takes him home, planning on somehow taking advantage of this.

but as sonic's condition worsens and he just doesn't wake up after a week, he actually starts to get worried. he has a real bad fever, a nasty head wound, and gashes on his side that were a real pain to clean up.

when he does eventually wake up, its revealed he has amnesia. he does not know who he is, where he is, what he is ... etc. now eggman has no idea what to do. his first instinct is to manipulate sonic into working with him, so, he decides to go with that.

but then he realizes he's started to care about the blue idiot. and now he's making him pancakes for breakfast every morning and scolding him when he refuses to eat his vegetables. and he realizes there's no way he's getting out of this.

insert eggdad—big family w/ eggman, sonic, orbot, cubot, sage, metal sonic, and POSSIBLY bokkun im still thinking abt it (i miss him he's my baby boy)

all the while, sonic's friends have no fucking idea where he went, and eggman has been suspiciously inactive since sonic's disappearance .... hmmmmmmm

that is all I'll say for rn bc im tired and my knee is fucking KILLING ME. but here are some doodles for the au. ft. sonics design

enjoy ig

[quillyfied]

Okay next batch of episode thoughts that I don’t know that I can expand into real coherent thoughts so heck it we’re doing it live and cramming them together, no chronology just memory vibes, PART TWO:

- “that’s six inches of silver in your scapula” MADAM.

- They’re doing an amazing job of showing Izzy in a pure pathetic state. I still have a lot of conflicted emotions about him but his increased confidence and ease around the ship BECAUSE the crew is taking time to be kind to him is…it’s. I don’t. GOLD UNICORN LEG OKAY. THE CARE THEY ARE SHOWING HIM AND HE DOES NOT DESERVE IT AND HE KNOWS IT AND HE BELIEVES IT BUT IT IS CHANGING HIM FOR THE BETTER ANYWAY.

- once again my expectations are being undercut. Of course Buttons isn’t the rabbit. Silly of me to think that. Of course he isn’t going to screw up turning into a seagull. He’s Buttons.

- …he’s coming back, though, right?? Guys Buttons is coming back at some point, right????

- Hang on have to go giggle about Izzy dragging himself across the floor mumbling existential horrors and shouting at the unicorn and then barking at people knocking on his door.

- Also have to giggle about the two halves of the crew coming at each other trying to help in two different ways and talking it through on their own, without Stede’s direct interference. I’m so proud of them.

- Wee John might just be slowly transforming into a mermaid. And I want his sweater.

- Ed referring to himself and the rabbit as lone wolves but immediately imprinting on the thing—and it not leaving him, either.

- HES SCARED OF SPIDERS

- How instantly Ed is glad to see Mary and Anne though. And the secret handshake with Anne. I cry.

- I also cry over how Anne instantly smells blood in the water with Stede before even knowing his connection to Ed.

- Like I guess Buttons not coming back makes sense bc he gave the most profound advice of the entire show and then flew off as a seagull, thereby completing his life’s dream, but have they considered the fact that I will miss him.

- (And so will the crew)

- I love that Ed and Stede finally have it out and get to a point where they can start to heal. I also find it so interesting to see the difference in what the fandom thought would be important to bring up, and what the show itself seems important to bring up. Stede could have blamed Badminton for his cowardice, but he doesn’t; he owns it and makes a greater stride towards mending things with Ed and being better himself. Ed could have mentioned what Izzy said to him, but instead he’s starting to work at the greater issue of his own self-loathing and how that drove him to harming the crew. It’s entirely possible that those details will come up later, but. I think Izzy has a point when he says it’s better to patch things with fiction (or silence) than never moving on. And maybe the hashing out of this stuff belongs to fanfic, not to canon. Because the events themselves don’t matter so much to canon as does what those events represented and THAT is what is getting fixed and addressed.

- Mary Read’s whole thing about “this is what an adult relationship looks like.” I have so many conflicted personal feelings about it. The summary: never been in a romantic relationship before and now at an age where I’ve witnessed plenty but I’m terrified of how I’ll be if and when that ever happens for me, bc the only experiences I’ve got is watching others and fiction. And I just was listening to both my mom and sister in law talking about how so many women my sil’s age have gotten divorced bc their expectations for what a marriage is were unrealistic, how marriage is more like a business transaction. And I was too scared to ask for clarification at the time. And I really do wonder if Mary has a point, yknow. When the mystery fades and the magic is gone…what’s left? Bc fiction tells us one thing. Real life often tells another. Dying alone doesn’t sound fun but it sounds better than accidentally ruining my and/or someone else’s life based on a false hope, yknow?

- Anyway that’s way too personal time to move on

- TO ANNE SETTING THEIR STIFLING LIFE ABLAZE AND REALLY REKINDLING THAT ROMANCE WITH MARY. HELL YEAH LADIES GET IT.

- I know it’s never gonna be addressed but please can the satanic ship be addressed at some point, even as a throwaway line

- (Also patiently awaiting the literal translation of what the dying priest was saying)

- PUT STEDE BACK IN FINE FABRICS 1717

- The absolute ball you know they were all having with this episode. Rhys Darby your FACE when screaming at Izzy after he reiterates that it’s cursed.

- Just the sheer hope in Ed’s face as he witnesses Buttons(?) fly away, as he submits to the jumpsuit and cat bell, the enthusiasm with which he jumps in to go fishing with Fang. The man is going through it but I love seeing him so earnest

- LUCIUS THO. SO MANY THOUGHTS. First and foremost I want his outfit this season, forget Stede’s cursed suit for a minute let’s talk about how Lucius is SERVING this season (and why it’s making me more hopeful for ABBA on the soundtrack at some point)

- How Pete gets through to him by pointing out that HE LIVED BITCH. TALK ABOUT A PERSPECTIVE CHANGE. Also the various blackbeard doodles I’m dying

- Izzy turning the tables on Lucius. I love a good parallel.

- Pete tho. Marry the F out of that man, Lu, he’s a keeper.

- “Loner artsy types” EXPLAIN CALICO JACK TO ME

- AND ALSO I NEED NAMES AND DESCRIPTIONS OF THESE OTHER ARTSY LONER TYPES

- Fang is such a wonderful character and we are so blessed to have him. I was a little wary that Fang was going to try and off (or offload) Ed just to make the crew feel better, but what we got was so much softer and better. Teaching Ed in such a gentle and honest way to examine himself! To sit with himself and learn to value the company! Telling Ed that he’s been crossing boundaries for a long time and giving Ed space to apologize and process! HIS NAME IS KEVIN AND IT’S A FOUR HUNDRED YEAR OLD TRADITION.

- Listen. Listen. Listen. Shirtless Con O’Niell is. A gift. That shirtlessness belonging to the character of Izzy is a little more of a conflict for me but given that Izzy has entered his “little shit and owning it” phase, I’m inclined to enjoy it.

- Also the SHEER BALLS on Stede Bonnet to manipulate Izzy into teaching him some piracy bits. That little stutter when Izzy tries to act unaffected but still asks what Blackbeard said about him. I’m just. Omg.

- And the way Stede sucks at the practicality but he excels at the instinctive/emotional bits. How he’s so creative and genuine and absolutely won his crew’s respect and loyalty and continues to prove that he’s worth it. I ADORE Stede Bonnet.

- Okay I gotta I gotta I gotta: KISS NUMBER TWOOOOOOO. I’ve only kissed one person in my time so far but I remember the moment after that initial dam break, when it occurred to me that I was allowed to kiss this person again; something about the casual way Ed and Stede both lean in just feels the same way to me. Like this is their new normal and they like it. And ADORE Ed setting a boundary and Stede immediately respecting it. AND. THE FINGERS. THE PLAYING. Comparing their games to what Anne and Mary get up to, it does make me hopeful that a mature relationship can be comfortable and playful and sweet and not just a grind or a business transaction. Idk man.

- Now I fully forgot that the episodes have post credits scenes so my reactions to them are not included here but I’ll be rewatching all five episodes later tonight so maybe a separate little baby post about them later.

[nox-in-a-box]

The look. The. Look.

[random-autie-fangirl]

Y'know what here are the voices in Frisk's head that i've got for the flower prince (undertale/slay the princess au with Asriel as prince(ss), Frisk as slayer, and Chara as narrator)

Voice of the Human to replace Voice as the Hero as the main one

Voice of the Brazen with the Damsel prince

Voice of the Curious with the Prisoner prince

Voice of the Crybaby with the Nightmare prince

Voice of the Hero (not like stp hero) with the Spectre prince

Voice of the Angel with the Witch prince

Voice of the Determined with the Beast prince

Voice of the Monster with the Adversary prince

Voice of the Ambassador with the Tower prince

Voice of the Player with the Razor prince

Voice of the Spiteful with the Stranger prince

[psystirene]

i like the whiplash of going up to astarion on durge and having him worry about how he noticed you haven't been sleeping and it must mean you're having trouble w your urges, trying to joke around and cheer you up. and rthen going to minthara who immediately goes "you're a bhaalspawn?!! HOT ‼ let's go kill my ex and rule the world together 🥺❤"

[givehimthemedicine]

question... Max tours a few memories but ends on the lumax kiss since that's where she's aiming. her eyes snap open as she arrives in the snow ball memory.

the 4x4 memory reel ended on the El high five, so how come her eyes snap open still in the mind lair instead of her arriving in an empty bus?

was the snow ball ever actually in Max's mind, or was the whole thing just a jar with a leaf in it that Vecna made to collect her in?

or did she not go to the bus because she wasn't trying to Do That yet

[tiredassmage]

your honor, i'm afraid i've done it again 😔

[oldphanny]

so a super old friend from literal primary school just reached out to me for the first time in like over a decade and they have a kid now and stuff and I'm just sitting with the fact that I'm like almost in my late 20's and literally have nothing to show for it.

Like 'what have you been up to'

Literally nothing. Trauma and nasty people being nasty. Im essentially back to where I was as a teen. So anyway, cute kid 🥺 I'm gonna keel over and die now.

[leatherbookmark]

The other day I was thinking about how most if not all teezers care about Sports to some degree, from having a favourite club and happily buying merch to just, like, knowing and liking how to play ball/ball video games, and I was like Huh, but then I realized it's probably like... socialization? Not just "male socialization", but socialization in general. Like, ball sports are easy to organize and play, and in terms of watching, it's also an easy activity that might be a bonding experience between fathers and sons, as well as classmates and colleagues. It's something that you kind of, have at the back of your head even if you're not up to date with everything? And once there's some news, you're like, oh, X did that? Wow so cool/Ahh what a pity. What a cool thing.

[avatardoggo]

ive been reliving the moment of us holding hands for the past month 🥹🙃🥲