#so in other words: i hAVE NO TIME FOR HIRAETH. BUT I'M NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT. I MISS THEM I MISS THEM I MISS THEM I MISS THEM

[valeffelees]

n e way since i was very brave today i think everybody should gift me davy/lucy fics where everything is beautiful and nothing hurts. as a little treat :)

[chelleztjs18]

The Monsters Within (N.R) Pt. 5

Natasha Romanoff x Fem!SerialKiller!Reader (Modern AU)

Main Masterlist || Series Masterlist

Summary: You like Natasha and you keep her to yourself.

Warning: This is a Dark Fic. 18+, a lot of swearing words. Graphic and gore descriptions, kidnapping, mind manipulating / brainwashing, blood, death, violence, bone crushing, Stockholm Syndrome and angst (Let me know if I miss anything)

A/N: Hello hello peeps. I'm back for a bit from my sad depressed isolations. I almost not to post this today because something happened and got me down again but I promised to post it today, so here you go! The last and final part of this dark mini series. There is a some angst if squint. Thank you to my Curious George anon for motivating me to write and helping me brainstorming and even writing some parts in it! Y'all can thank her for this chapter. hahaha. Also thank you @honey-sweet-hiraeth for the base of the idea in this chapter. Well, enjoy and happy reading!

It has been a few months since the night Natasha accepted her inner monster. Wanda is dead and she is just part of your memory in the back of your head. You are living your life now with your redhead girlfriend. Not just as happy lovebirds but as a couple who loves taking the lives of others.

After Natasha killed Wanda furiously, a thirst sprung and she slowly started getting into it. You never knew that you would find your perfect match ever. Natasha is a great girlfriend. Loving, gentle and sweet person to you but sinister and dark at the same time which makes you fall for her even more.

Her smile and laugh always look beautiful but my oh my, it even looks ethereal when she does it with some splashes of your victims’ blood and when she looks like she is having fun dismembering them limb by limb. It’s one of your favorite parts besides smelling her perfume that’s mixed with the iron scents of the blood puddle dancing around in the air with the acid smell on your hunting night. Well, that’s what Natasha wants to call it every time both of you go out for the night, killing.

Natasha can’t control her blood thirst and the more she feels the rush from killing the bigger the urge to do some more. You love it so much but sometimes you have to remind her that both of you need to slow down so you won’t grab more police’s attention even though they start to not be able to keep up due to no trace being left behind.

“Trust me, sweetheart, I love killing as much as you do but we have to be careful. I just want us to be more cautious” You explained patiently.

“I know, babe. Fuck, but it feels so good when I feel the knives taking their lives and cut them apart.” she expresses her thoughts in a sinister giggle as both of you put the last body parts into the bathtub.

“Oh yeah, I know what you meant dear. Don’t forget that cracking sound when the grinder grinds the bones and how it looks when the acid burns their flesh.” you added in agreement casually having the disturbing details like it’s a normal daily conversation while pouring all the acid onto the dismembered innocent.

“Oh don’t even start it, you are teasing me right now. You're just making me want to kill more, you know that right?” she complains in a playful nagging tone.

“Look at you, craving to kill some more. I turned you into a monster, didn’t I?” You smile, looking at her as your hand wipes a smudge of blood off her cheek.

“Well, someone said that everybody is a monster in their own way.” she replies in a teasing tone as she kisses your neck that has some splashes of blood on it, gets the taste of it off her lips then smirk at you.

“How about we meet in the middle as a solution?” She offers you a negotiation with her puppy dog eyes begging expression.

“How?” you ask curiously. You know you couldn’t resist her whenever she begs you with that look even though she is under your control. You’ll do anything for her. If Natasha wants the moon, she’ll watch you grab it for her. If she wants the head of the victim, you’ll watch her cut the head off their throat. That’s how much you love Natasha. 

_____

Since then, you and Natasha agreed on something which you can’t lie that it was actually a good idea.

Being the sweetheart she is, Natasha proposes the idea to change your targets to kill criminals especially perverted men instead of helpless women. Every now and then you still kill women you find out there but Natasha always insists on doing the whole process by herself due to her jealousy issue. She hates it when she sees you touch other women even though they are all lifeless and that’s how much Natasha loves you.

A year later after the changes of your targets, it has been leading the police to different tracks and make them think that there is another serial killer who roams free in town. The people are now divided on two sides when it comes to the talk about this so-called controversy theory. Some people take sides to both of you and call you “The Punishers” and some of course still are against you no matter who the victims are even if they deserve it.

With all that, everything changes. Your life has been okay. Natasha gets more attached to you, like a lost clingy puppy. The hunting and killing night has become an easy routine for you and Natasha. Too easy.

_____

The night is getting quieter as the time gets later. The wind blows a soft whistling sound and you see some stars sparkle in the sky shortly before you and Natasha walk into your house after a quick hunting night.

The mess in your house now shocks you and Natasha. You instantly think that someone has broken into your house. You look around and find your glass coffee table is now shattered. Stuff is scattered around. Your tall bookshelf has fallen and your books are all over the floor.

You and Natasha look at each other, puzzled and wondering what had happened. Your hand gesture instructed her to stay quiet. Both of you look around and tip toe. Natasha taps your shoulder rapidly to drag your attention to now unconscious James on the kitchen floor, with his hands tied up behind his back and his ankles tied as well.

Both of you halt your steps as soon as you hear something in the kitchen then a figure of a woman gets into your sight. You don’t recognize her from her back but as soon as the woman turns around, you hear Natasha’s soft surprised gasp.

“Oh Hi!!” She greets both of you. You recognize her, so does Natasha of course.

“Ye-yelena! You are alive!” Natasha exclaims in excitement and gratefully. As soon as she is about to run to her blonde long missing sister, your protective instinct takes control and you grab Natasha’s hand to stop her and she obliges.

Deep down both of you are worried if Yelena found the basement and things under there. You remember that you still have one victim from last night that you haven’t taken care of. As luck would have it, you locked the other door. You clench your jaw as you watch every move Yelena makes so you can be prepared for the worst. As nervous as Natasha is of her sister finding who she is now, she misses her and beyond happy that Yelena is back.

“Yeah, of course I’m alive.” She paused a few seconds then looked at you before she continued. “You guys have a lot of freaky things in your basement.” Your stomach turns after you hear her statement.

“What’s behind the lock door? Dead body or something?” Your heart races especially after she looks at you followed by her sarcastic question. Natasha swallows hard. With a bowl of mac and cheese in her hand, Yelena casually walks to the dining chair next to the knocked out James to sit.

You are enraged seeing what she did to him. Yelena takes notice that you look at him. She puts one of her feet on James and nonchalantly says while chewing her mac and cheese “Relax, he is still alive but I don’t know what to do with him so I gotta tie him up before he wakes up.”

Seeing her boot steps on the side of James’ face really fumed you and your hand slowly grabbed the knife that’s tucked in the back of your belt. This time Natasha’s protective instincts of her sister stops your action. Her hand stops yours and she looks at you then firmly tells you “Don’t you dare.”

“Yes, yes, don’t you dare, Y/n” Yelena echoes Natasha’s words and takes another bite of her food. Your eyes are rounded in surprise when you hear her saying your name. Tension grows around the three of you, none of you saying anything for a good few seconds. Silence covers the room slowly.

“Oh sorry, where’s my manners? You guys want some? This big dude was a fighter, I got hungry after I fought him so I made some food. Do you have hot sauce?” Yelena’s thick accent wrapped voice breaks the silence as she offers both of you unconcernedly and fearlessly even though she noticed what you were about to do.

“Lena, where have you been? I have been looking for you.” Natasha’s eyes turn glossy.

“I have been here and there, trying to survive alone because I thought you were dead but I’m glad you are alive Nat.” She pauses her words, sadness and happiness shows in her eyes looking at Natasha but still tries to keep herself together.

“Soooo, is killing people your full time job? Or is it more of a hobby? If it isn’t your job yet, maybe it should.” Yelena expresses her sarcasm.

“What-what do you mean?” Natasha tries to cover the truth.

“No, thank you. I love my job so—” You sarcastically answer but she interrupts you.

“As a surgeon? And a serial killer at night?” Yelena smirks.

What she just said definitely puts you in high caution. You don’t want anybody to find out about you because you don’t want anything to happen to Natasha.

“How did you–” Natasha halfway asks her and Yelene finishes her question. “Find out?” Yelena puts her bowl down shortly before she continues as she stands up and pulls out a handgun.

“I thought you were dead, so I swore to myself that I would find and kill whoever killed you. Long story short, let’s just say that I did good research and found both of you even though it wasn’t easy. Well, I’m gladly telling you that your time has come." She points her gun at you at the last word she says and you quickly pull out your knife.

“Ah, a pair of killer sisters. I guess it runs in your blood, huh?” Your knife is on your tight grip and ready to take a life.

Natasha’s breath shook seeing what’s going on. “Y/n! Lena!” Of course both of you ignore her calls.

“You seriously gonna bring a knife to a gunfight?” Yelena chuckles and her grips tighten on the gun’s handle.

“Oh knife is more fun to use to torture my victim and guess what? You would be the next one.” Your intuition to survive brings your sinister self up to the surface. You move very slowly and Yelena’s aim follows you.

“Oh yeah? Try me.” The blonde challenges you.

“Y/n, what the hell? She’s my sister!” Natasha raises her voice. “Yelena, please don’t hurt Y/n!” her gaze jumps around between you and Yelena.

“I know, sweetheart but she is putting you in danger right now.” you answered.

“Said someone who kidnapped her and turned her into a killer?” Yelena puts up more guards on her stance.

“I helped her to find the monster in her. It was my act of love for her.” You explained in a disturbing proud tone and followed by a little chuckle.

“That’s bullshit! You sick bastard!” Yelena responded angrily at you then quickly looked at Natasha then back to you.

“Come home with me. Leave her, Nat!” she asked as she continuously watched every move of yours.

“Oh, she won’t. Your sister loves me as much as I love her.” You spoke for Natasha before even the redhead gets the chance to answer, mocking Yelena as you check how sharp your knife is.

“I love her, Lena. We love each other. I found my true self and she kept me grounded. Why don’t both of you put the weapon down and let’s talk. You are my sister and I don’t want to lose you again.” Natasha tries to stay neutral and cut down the tension. It’s hard for her to choose only one of you. She wouldn’t. She loves both of you.

“Look, Nat, she brainwashed you. This is not you. I don’t care how many you killed and I won’t tell anybody about what you did but I won’t let you be around this psycho.” Yelena is still trying her best to talk some sense to Natasha without letting go of her aim at you.

You walk back slowly, step by step with a plan in your head. Yelena notices. “What’s wrong? Are you scared? I would fight for my life if I were you.”

You let out an unamused chuckle the second you hear her mocking words. “You are one cocky little shit, aren’t you?”

“Blonde girls always fight back.” Yelena talks back your remarks and it hits something in Natasha’s memory. Her stomach turns. Before Nat questions Yelena about what she just said, you quickly hit the switch. The kitchen becomes dark. Only the moonlight that’s coming from the windows illuminates the room and you quickly sneak out of there.

With her quick reflex, Yelena instantly pulls the trigger, shooting in the dark a couple of times. To your surprise, she aims better than you thought. Two hot bullets made their way to you. One struck and got you on your waist and the other bullet grazed your thigh causing you to limp a little.

Yelena searches for you in such high caution yet Natasha looks for you worriedly.

“Get out of here, you coward!” Yelena demands, her breathing starts to get faster. She spins around to listen to any subtle hint of you; her gun is cocked and ready to shoot as soon as she sees you.

You walk around the room easily, familiar with how your surroundings are. You tipped toe to the other side and threw your knife at Yelena and it lodged right near her left shoulder blades causing her to yelp in shock. With great pain, Yelena turns around to find you again. As one of her hands tries to remove the knife and the other shoots one more time, thinking that you were still behind her. Shattered window’s sound followed after the loud sound from the shooting. Yelena realizes you are not there.

You snuck behind her then quickly grab her. One arm wrapping around her neck, making her gasp for air. Your left hand firmly holds the knife handle. You put more pressure on the knife, sinking it deeper, making her squirm. Then you twist the knife slowly, the agonizing sound coming from Yelena is music to your ears.

She lets go of her gun then tries to pull down your arm while air slowly empties her lungs. A satisfied sinister laugh flows out of you.

“What’s wrong? Are you fighting for your life right now? Hm?” you asked in a mocking tone. You loosen the grip of her neck for a few seconds then choke her again as if you are playing with her life like it’s nothing. Suddenly, Natasha hits the lights back on. She is torn and shocked from what she is witnessing in front of her.

“Y/n, let her go!” she says. Shaking as she aims her gun at you. She got your attention. “Oh hi, sweetheart.” You answer her nonchalantly.

Yelena gasps for air a bit by a bit. “Y/n, stop hurting her! I swear, I’m gonna shoot you if you don’t let her go!” You ignore her plea.

You laughed at Natasha’s threat. “You wouldn’t hurt me. Without me, you will be nothing. I made you. Without me, you are just a soulless monster.”

Yelena takes this as her chance to do something while you are not paying attention to her. She grabs her pocket knife discreetly then stabs your left thigh. You scream as soon as you can feel the knife against it. Yelena pulls the knife out to try and stab one more time but misses. Your hand is faster than hers. You were able to dodge it with your hand and grabbed the knife from her. You tossed the knife away from her reach.

“You little shit!” You yell at her. “Blonde girls always fight back. Just like last time.” Yelena says it one more time.

Natasha lets out a warning shot that was aimed close to you. “Y/n, you always say that about blondes. Why the hell did she say that??!” Natasha is still conflicted. Panic, confusion and curiosity are all mixed in her.

“Tell her y/n or..I..will.” Yelena tries to speak while struggling to get out of your strong grip as she slowly loses her energy.

“Y/n! I’m asking you one last time! Tell me why did she say that?!”

The silence from you was enough for her to finally connect the dots. “Did you try to kill her before?!” She asks in a shaky voice. Her grip on the gun gets stronger as she walks a step closer. Fury is written all over her face but there is a bit of her that wishes that her own conclusion is wrong. You try to ignore her question.

“DID YOU TRY TO KILL MY SISTER BEFORE?!” she demands an answer in a raised voice. Her pulse slammed in her neck.

“Alright, alright. Since the truth is out now. Yes, I did.” You finally let your arm’s grip off Yelena’s neck.

You yank Yelena’s hair back as you continue telling Natasha the truth. “I tried to kill her but her stupid blonde friend tried to help her and got in the way. Your sister was my first one that got away.” You pull the knife out of Yelena’s shoulder and let her go.

As soon as she falls weakly on her front, you step on her wound and give her a painful pressure. Yelena instantly screams loudly from the torment, leaving her with no strength.

“She..killed..Carol.” Her voice cracks as she tells Natasha between coughing and finally being able to gain more oxygen.

The cold gun barrel is still aimed at you and Natasha never lets her sight off you. Natasha’s skin crawled, sadness tore at her chest after hearing everything. Yelena’s scream, the truth and the view of you with no remorse whatsoever push her to the edge even more. Your confession felt like a knife to her heart. The memories of that night when you came home with a blonde victim and the next day you lied to her that you would never hurt Yelena came back in an instance.

Natasha’s gaze jumps from Yelena then back to you. “You tried to kill Yelena that night. It was Carol’s body that you brought. That was why you didn’t keep her body in the basement because you knew I would recognize her and find out what you did!!” Her body locked up with rage and her blood boiled. She sees your sinister smile, agreeing in everything she just said.

Natasha’s breathing gets faster. Tension grows in her. “Why, Y/n? Why did you try to kill her?”

“I thought she was in the way between us to have a new life together.”

Natasha tries not to let your words get in her head again. “That’s bullshit! You said you won’t kill her, you lied to me!”

“Oh yeah, I lied.” You casually play with your knife, toss it from your left hand to your right hand then back to your left.

“I thought you loved me!” She screams out her disappointment. Her forehead creased. You can see her hands shake a little, her face turns red from the overwhelming feelings.

“I thought so too.” Your answer shook her even more.She quivered with indignation. You punch Yelena and knock her out.

Suddenly, the loud explosive sound from her gun breaks the short silence. Natasha shot your right arm. This time your scream fills the room. “You bitch! You think you can kill me?!” You clench your jaw as you try to hold back the pain and you walk one step closer to her. The displeasure on your face intimidates Natasha a little.

As if your steps are connected to her gun’s trigger, Natasha shoots once more after you walk another step. Her love for you, anger and all of the conflicted feelings clouds her aim and the bullet went near your lower left ribs now. It stops you for a few seconds. Blood stains slowly appear on your clothes more.

“You can’t and you won’t. You are nothing! You should’ve aimed better, that's why you are not good enough!!” You yell louder at her and you quickened your limping steps.

Her heart drummed. Sweats trickled down her spine seeing the real you as she walked backward away from you.

“I’m not going to die. You can’t hurt me! I’ll make you watch me kill your sister!” You laugh in confidence.

The closer you get to her the more it provokes her to shoot you. This time two bullets flew to you as you were trying to charge towards her. Your body flinches each time. The hot deadly metals hit you on your stomach and grazed the curve of your neck. You are soaked with your own blood by now.

Fortunately, as soon as you get in front of her, your grip gets weakened and the knife falls off your hand. You are standing unbalanced. You look down to you all of your wounds then you look at her in the eye. Natasha gets just enough safe distance from you. She lets out a shaky gasp when she sees you fall on her knee weakly in front of her. Fear splintered her heart and her spirit fell seeing you wounded. 

Her feelings for you start to get in her head, part of her still cares for you. Natasha can see that your face is losing its color yet you are still laughing at her.

Meanwhile, Yelena slowly gains her consciousness and crawls weakly towards Natasha.

You spit out blood shortly before you say “I never loved you.” as you look up to her.

The four words of the final truth she heard from you plunged her into despair. Pain gripped Natasha’s chest. She crumbled inside, waking up flames of anger. Shame washed over her. The truth hits her like a huge wrecking ball. All she has ever done for you, all the victim’s life she took with you. In the end, all of them don't matter to you. Natasha starts to scream her lungs out, emptying all of her emotions as her eyes are closed.

CLICK

CLICK

CLICK

CLICK

CLICK

CLICK

CLICK

Her gun makes repeated clicking sounds as her finger pulls the trigger rapidly multiple times. You laugh maniacally and it opens her eyes. Realizing that she is out of bullets, Natasha drops her gun.

Seeing her tears leaving wet traces on her cheeks keeps you wanting to tell her hurtful things “I never loved you because you are not Wanda. You are never gonna be her!”

Yelena finally gets back on her feet.

“Nat, kill her. She doesn’t deserve you, she doesn’t deserve to live.” Yelena suggests as she tries to hand her another gun.

Natasha doesn’t respond to her sister. Your mocking laugh fills her mind. Natasha doesn’t even know anymore how she feels about you. Questions running around in her head, vivid flash images of the dismembered innocences starting to fly around in front of her.  All that is soon followed by tremendous guilt. Her world starts to spin fast, your voice and every word you are saying are muffled.

Then another loud sound brought her back at the same time as the explicit view of blood and particles of your scattered brain exploded in front of Natasha. The bullet went through your head after Yelena finally pulled the trigger to end all this.

“No. No.. Y/n!” Natasha falls onto her knees.

The fed up blonde tosses the gun away then quickly hugs her broken sister. Natasha starts to sob uncontrollably.

“It’s over, Natty. She’s out of your life now. You are free from her chokehold. Come home with me.” Yelena tries her best to comfort her while she is crying hysterically on her shoulders. Natasha nods without any words. Her mind and heart are having a battle. Feelings and common sense trying to make their point to her. A rough tug of war is happening in her. She feels lost. Without you, she doesn’t know what to do. You have always kept her monstrous killer side on ground yet keeps feeling the hungry need to kill.

Natasha’s happy she could be with her only sister again but it doesn’t change the fact that you are gone. She is now left behind with questions. Questions that she will never get the answers ever.

Anger, disappointment, despair, relief and guilt are melted all together in her. Despite all the anger, love and hate she has for you, she crawled to your lifeless body. Pulling you to her hug and rocking back and forth. Your pool of blood got on all over her. She wants to scream at you, asking you if what you said was true.

Yelena stands up with a painful grunt and lets her have her last moment with you while finishing everything up.

“I’ll be right back.” with that the blonde limps away.

Natasha keeps wondering when did you stop loving her. What did she do wrong? What she doesn’t have that Wanda has.

“I love you but I hate you now too. Why, y/n? I hate how much I love you.” She whispers in gritted teeth.

“What am I gonna do without you? What am I gonna do with these memories of all of our victims? I can’t fucking erase them in my head! You turned me into the monster you are! Fuck you! I should hate you for everything you did. I love you! Please come back!” Natasha keeps mumbling to herself.

She feels guilty. She hates herself for everything she did to those innocents and for still loving you but she can’t stop herself. Emotions after emotions, thoughts after thoughts slowly pushing her to the edge mentally.

Yelena stops for a few seconds pouring all the flammable chemicals around the house when she hears Natasha screams in her crying.

It hurts her seeing Natasha like that but she knew she had to kill you and it was for the best, to save her.

Pain claws deep in her heart. Natasha is furious with herself. She knew she can’t turn back the time to bring you nor the innocents’ lives back.

Her guilt is covering her like a huge dark cloud. Natasha cries and cries. She is lost in her own dark mind even deeper. Her mind and memories are out of touch but it wasn’t because she didn’t know enough. She knew too much. Natasha doesn’t know herself anymore. Invisible walls are closing in inside her, the devil’s knocking at her door.

Natasha had a somber look. Her eyes red from crying and her voice becoming hoarse from all the screams that she had let out.

She kept on until there were no tears left to shed, no more anger, no more hate. Just an empty hollow shell.

The strong smell of blood and gasoline didn’t have any effect on her senses. Her sanity starts to wander off.

“I just took care of James, Nat. I just need to make sure everything doesn't look suspicious and then we–” Yelena checks on her sister, but can only see how despondent she is. Her words stop abruptly as soon as she sees Natasha’s condition. Her eyes look empty and not responding to the surroundings even though they are wide open.

“Nat, are you okay?” Yelena asked.

Natasha doesn’t say a word. Her gaze is on one random spot while her arms are still hugging you. No emotions are written on her facial expression.

Yelena breaks Natasha’s hug around you then her hands hold both of Natasha’s cheeks, leading her eyes to look into hers. “Nat, look at me. Look at me. Everything’s gonna be okay. Okay? You are coming home and I’ll be with you always.” her whisper sounds shaky from sadness and worry. Yelena leans her forehead onto Natasha’s. She closes her eyes and her tears roll down. As soon as Yelena opens her eyes back again, Natasha’s expression is still flat even though her eyes turn glossy. No words come out of her lips as if her tongue refuse to work.

_____

Half a year has rolled away since everything that happened at your house, since you died.

“How’s your sister?” Detective Harkness asks Yelena.

“She’s still the same. She didn’t say any word or show any emotions since I found her that night on the road near that burning house.” Yelena responded with the lie she prepared.

“Ah okay. I talked to her doctor. He said that she still doesn’t make any progress and he doubts that she will. Even if she does, it would take a long time. He thinks that her mental health is not fit enough and she won’t be able to cooperate well as the key witness.” Agatha explains.

“Any update on my sister’s case?” Yelena shows her pretend curiosity.

“Yes, we know that the burning house belongs to Y/n Y/L/N. We found her and her butler, James Barne.There was also a bone grinder machine on the house basement and other equipment.The team found some bones that match some of the missing people we have. Everything leads to a conclusion that they might be the serial killers that have been on a killing spree in this town. They believe that the equipment was used by Y/L/N and Barnes to their victims.” Agatha shares some parts of the result of the investigations.

“So my sister has been kidnapped by them? They could’ve killed her! I can’t imagine what she has been through.” Yelena tries her best to play innocent.

“The autopsy showed some gunshot marks as well on her skull. There is a possibility that they both were fighting and trying to kill each other and your sister might use that chance to get out of there when the fire just started. How? I still don’t know. All i know, she got really lucky that she could come out there alive.”

“Yeah. I’m just glad that she is safe now even though she hasn’t been responsive at all.” Yelena can’t hold back her tears, her lips quivered.

Both Yelena and the taller woman look at Natasha through the glass window, watching her sitting still with empty thoughts and looks.

“Then what’s next?” Yelena breaks the silence and looks at the brown haired detective.

Agatha clears her throat and lets out a sigh. “That was the reason I wanted to meet you here. Your sister is such a sweet and amazing person. As much as I want the best for her case but due to her circumstances and with both Barnes and Y/L/N dead, we can’t proceed further investigation on this case.”

“What did you mean?” Yelena shows displeased, the complete opposite expression from how she really feels.

“It means the case is closed. Which is also good because now you can focus on Natasha’s mental health recovery. As a friend, I really hope that she gets better soon and has her normal life back. Please keep me updated about her and I wish you both good luck.” Agatha gives Yelena a comforting hug.

“Thank you. I will let you know. I really hope she gets better.” Yelena hugs her back shortly before Agatha bids her farewell.

After Agatha leaves, Yelena takes Natasha for daily afternoon strolls around the facility’s garden on her wheelchair.

Yelena crouches in front of Natasha. “Hi Nat. I have good news for you. Agatha told me your case is closed. Everything works as planned. Everything was blamed on Y/N and Barnes. They don’t suspect anything about you. Now, please Nat, I want you to get better. I need you, you are my sister and all I have.” Yelena kisses Natasha’s forehead then hugs her lovingly.

“I’m sorry I killed her. I had to. It was for the best, please come back and get better. I love you.” Yelena’s heart breaks from waiting for Natasha’s hug and words that only heaven knows when will it come.

The monster within her has muted Natasha’s own sanity.

A/n: Welp, that's all for today! Let me know what you think. As usual, reblogs, comments and likes are appreciated. I'll be back to my depressed isolation so see you in next maybe for some angst or another dark story. I dont know.

Cheerio!

Chellez TjS.

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[the-pen-pot]

Oooh fic writer asks! Would love to know your answers to 8 & 17 please 🙏

Ohhh, thank you, @hagstoned. Here you go! If anyone else is interested, questions are here:

#8 If you had to write a sequel to a fic, you’d write one for…

Hiraeth, probably. It was so plotty that I didn't give Merlin much chance to bring much modern back to Camelot (apart from some plumbing) and I'd love to have him show the others his memories of London and things. In fact I have loads of little ideas for extras to Hiraeth that would take place after the story. Just... no time in which to write them 🤣

#17 talk about your writing and editing process

Sit. Write 🤣 I'm a pantser. Planning is actively detrimental to my creative process. But more below the cut cos it got long:

So what basically happens is, Monday to Friday, I peel myself out of bed, get the first cup oif about eight cups of tea, and then I sit at my computer and write in the morning. This is normally 3-4 hours of writing, in which I manage maybe 3000 words (on a good day it's more, but that doesn't always happen.)

I use 4thewords, which means I gamify my writing. You beat monsters with your wordcount. It's quite good, because even on a bad day you can feel accomplished.

Editing is a five-ish read-through process, with one read through occuring per day (mostly). It's done on printed out copies because I cannot catch mistakes on-screen

Edit 1: Plot edit. Is the story going in the right direction? Am I happy enough with it? (perfection isn't the goal. We are aiming for "good enough" ebcause perfection is unobtainable.)

(It's after this edit that I post chapters in my drafts section on patreon)

When I'm happy with the plot I use an echo checker to highlight words, because sometimes I get one stuck in my head and repeat it five times in a chapter and it makes my writing look weird.

Edit 2: Grammar, punctuation. Hinky wording edit. I'm looking more at the technical aspect and trying to catch as many mistakes as possible ready for...

Edit 3: Print out chapter, mix up the pages so its all out of order. Start at the bottom of the page. Read the last paragraph forwards. Then the preceding one etc. This is the typos edit. It helps me catch missing words etc. It's a bastard. I hate it. I want to skip it every time, but I always end up catching things so I never do.

Edit 4: An all-over edit. Just a straight read-through to check it's as good as I'd like it to be. Look for typos I may have introduced in previous edits.

This is where I post "finished" chapters on Patreon.

Edit 5: Usually occurs a week after edit 4, with my current posting schedule. This is hte pre-AO3 edit. My brain's had time to forget it's seen these precise words in this precise order.

Read through one more time. Invariably find at least one more typo. Cry. Fix it.

Post on AO3

Despite all that, there will still be errors in chapters on AO3 which I will find, months or even years later, and be deeply ashamed of!

[black-arcana]

NIGHTWISH Announces 'Yesterwynde' Album, 'Perfume Of The Timeless' Single

Symphonic metal veterans NIGHTWISH will release their new album, "Yesterwynde", on September 20, 2024 via Nuclear Blast. It marks the band's tenth studio album, following on from the release of "Human. :II: Nature." in 2020.

NIGHTWISH keyboardist and main songwriter Tuomas Holopainen states: "'Yesterwynde' is a fantastical voyage through time, memory, and the better angels of human nature.

"Three years in the making, we're thrilled beyond words to soon share our tenth album with the world!"

The album's first single, "Perfume Of The Timeless" will arrive on May 21.

"Yesterwynde" track listing:

01. Yesterwynde 02. An Ocean Of Strange Islands 03. The Antikythera Mechanism 04. The Day Of... 05. Perfume Of The Timeless 06. Sway 07. The Children Of 'Ata 08. Something Whispered Follow Me 09. Spider Silk 10. Hiraeth 11. The Weave 12. Lanternlight

In January, NIGHTWISH drummer Kai Hahto spoke about the band's upcoming follow-up to 2020's "Human. :II: Nature." album in an interview with Laureline Tilkin of Tuonela Magazine. He said: "At least it's not gonna be the same as 'Human. :II: Nature.', so… Probably, let's say that we go back to more heavy, heavier things on the new album, but also there's a lot of, again, new winds to blow, so to speak. So, different new elements. But, of course, it's still NIGHTWISH, but, of course, we brought back the big symphony orchestra again to the new upcoming tenth album. Yeah, it's gonna be exciting. And quite challenging music to play as well."

Asked if he is "in a way happy" that he doesn't have to play the new NIGHTWISH songs live right now, in light of the fact that the band is taking a break from touring for the foreseeable future, Kai said: "No, no, no. Totally opposite. I would love to go and play it live. But hopefully the time will come when we go back, charging the batteries first. Of course, it's nice to be home with the kids and wife and dogs, but still, of course, I've always been a player, so I also like to play for the people. But I believe I'm not gonna be bored. So I have a lot of things in the back of my head. Even NIGHTWISH is now taking a break. So, I'm not gonna be bored."

Earlier in January, Hahto told Chaoszine that "it looks like" NIGHTWISH won't play any shows in the next two or three years.

In April 2023, NIGHTWISH surprised fans by announcing that the band was not going to be playing any live shows for the foreseeable future and would be not be touring in support of the group's next studio album.

NIGHTWISH's statement read as follows: "As the 'Human :ll: Nature - World Tour' is drawing to a close, we feel now is the time to tell you of our plans for the next phase in our journey.

"After the planned shows for June 2023 we will be 'hanging up our spurs' for an indeterminate time, as far as live concert performances go, and won't be touring the next album.

"The reasons for this decision are personal, but, we all agree, vital to the wellbeing and future of the band. Be assured that we still love working together, and this decision has nothing to do with Floor's pregnancy or our other individual projects.

"However, an album of 12 new songs will see bright daylight in 2024, as will 3 music videos! The band is positively hyped beyond words over this new upcoming musical adventure."

In December 2022, Holopainen said NIGHTWISH's upcoming follow-up to "Human. :II: Nature." will be the third part of a trilogy that began with 2015's "Endless Forms Most Beautiful" album. He told Metal Hammer: "I immediately knew after getting that album ['Endless Forms Most Beautiful'] done that, 'Okay, we have to do more songs about this, because there's so much more to explore and tell the world. We're not done with this.' And the same thing happened after 'Human. :II: Nature.'; we're still not done. So let's do one more. At least one more.

"In a way, [the next album] is the third part of a trilogy, which started with 'Endless Forms…' and then 'Human. :II: Nature.' There are some major surprises there again, but it feels like a natural continuation to 'Human. :II: Nature.'"

According to Tuomas, NIGHTWISH's next LP will cover previously uncharted ground while continuing in the more cinematic style that has characterized some of the band's recent efforts.

In September 2022, Tuomas was asked if NIGHTWISH's upcoming LP will once again be an exploration of evolutionary science, as was the case with the previous two releases. Tuomas said: "Yes and no. It sails on the same waters, but there's some new surprises there as well."

In August 2022, Tuomas told Rock Sverige that he spent "about a year" working on the music and lyrics for the next NIGHTWISH album.

Asked if he got any kind of inspiration from the pandemic, Tuomas said: "Yeah, lyrically there's a couple of things that reflects the pandemic, but not in the way you would expect."

"Human. :II: Nature." was released in April 2020. The follow-up to 2015's "Endless Forms Most Beautiful" was a double album containing nine tracks on the main CD and one long track, divided into eight chapters, on CD 2.

In August 2022, NIGHTWISH announced the addition of Jukka Koskinen (WINTERSUN) as an official member of the band. Koskinen, who made his live debut with NIGHTWISH in May 2021 at the band's two interactive experiences, had spent the previous year touring with NIGHTWISH as a session musician.

In November 2022, singer Floor Jansen revealed that she was "cancer free" after recently undergoing surgery to have a tumor removed following a breast cancer diagnosis.

This past October, Floor and SABATON drummer Hannes Van Dahl welcomed their second child, a daughter named Lucy. Jansen and Van Dahl already have a seven-year-old daughter named Freja, who was born on March 15, 2017.

Photo credit: Tim Tronckoe (courtesy of Nuclear Blast)

[limesonspecial]

When I watch non-English film & tv, there's nearly always a moment when something in the translation feels...flat. Like there's some nuanced word in the original language that is being abbreviated to the simplest, most direct equivalent. Not exactly an untranslatable word, but something with a cultural context that you just don't get in translation. The only example that's coming to me is hiraeth, which you can simplify to longing or homesickness, but only by stripping out that very specific Welsh-ness (which, as a USian, I will never fully understand, but I believe Welsh folk when they say this is so).

Anyway, when it happens, when I get that curious flatness, I always wonder what it is I'm missing. What are the implications? What would a native speaker understand here that I'm just not able to grasp, coming at it as I am from a sort of linguistic telephone? It enhances the experience for me, hammers home that there are complexities of the human condition to which I am not - and will never be - a party. A reminder that even though my country likes to think of itself as the default, it really, really isn't (nor should it be). I think those moments are neat, and I hope I never lose them.

All of which is preamble to what I actually want to comment on, which is this: Blue Eye Samurai, despite being a show written by Americans in English (and animated by a French studio, but *dismissive gesture*), gave me this feeling. Granted, Amber Noizumi is biracial, so there's a leg up there, but the care and detail work everyone in production put in is extraordinary. I'm no expert on Japanese history, language, or culture, so I can't really weigh in on how accurate it is, but what I can say is that it felt like a foreign country. Like I was learning new things, and recognizing the bits and bobs I've picked up across the years in their proper contexts.

And there's something about how the various characters use the word great that pings that little "lost in translation" alarm in my brain, even in the absence of translation. It came on slowly, though. When Ringo wants to be great, he really wants to be recognized as having value (dovetails nicely with his "See? Useful." to Mizu). When Taigen wants to be great, he wants to be so accomplished that no one cares that he was a fisherman's son and has climbed up the caste ladder to a loftier position. Both of these are easy for an American audience to grasp (we're big on individual exceptionalism over here).

By the time the characters have all rolled up in Edo, however, the meaning has shifted. When Mizu tells Akemi that Taigen isn't a good man, but he could be great...there's a hint of some other meaning. It isn't about recognition or accomplishment, but something more like virtue. And when Taigen and Akemi meet on the bridge, there's the sense that they're using two different meanings - Taigen no longer cares about being a status-rooted great (or now prioritizes it below happiness); but the greatness that Akemi wants...that's a bird of a different color. Something about how she says that one sentence brings in all the different ways people have meant "great" throughout the season, so that when she uses that same, single-syllable word that people have been applying to a variety of simple desires, it feels...flat. It makes me want to look up what she said in the original Japanese and compare it to the other instances of 'great'...except there is no "original Japanese," just some really tight English writing. Which is cool as hell.

[prettyhobii]

HIRAETH CH-5

MDNI

Prev

"I've missed you so much oh my god," Jennie squealed as she jumped into her older sisters embrace. "So so much."

Nari laughed and hugged her sister back. "I've missed you too Nini."

"We we're so worried when you didn't text us last night, was everything okay?" Rosé asked, coming back with three glasses of strawberry lemonade.

"Yes I'm okay, just had a hard night."

"Did you relapse?" Jennie's eyes widened as she gripped harshly on her sisters arm. Nari shook her head no.

"No nothing like that, please don't worry, trouble at work. I'm going to have to find a new job."

"That's okay, we can help you riri," smiled rosé comfortingly, "a restaurant near me has a now hiring sign outside, maybe you could apply there? I could put a good word in for you, I'm a regular there."

"Perhaps, I have the rest of the money for you guys, one hundred each, is that okay?"

"Riri we don't want your money, it's yours to keep."

"I don't care, you guys are taking it, and that's final."

"We both have jobs with good wages, even Felix is sorted out financially, riri I promise you we're okay," Jennie frowned, "times are tough for you right now, keep this money and get yourself something nice."

"You're taking it, and that's final. I have money don't worry."

Jennie and rosé frowned at each other, but ended up giving up on the conversation, and starting a new one.

"So your soulmates, what's happening?"

"I kissed one of them."

"OH MY GOD" Jennie screamed, rosé burst into fits of laughter at the elder and watched as Jennie threw herself onto her lap. 

"WHICH ONE?"

"His name is Hoseok, and he helped me out yesterday." Nari smiled thinking of Hobi and their kiss earlier. She felt stupid about it, but she couldn't get her mind off the topic.

"OH MY GOD SHES SMILING. SHE LOVES HIM." Jennie screamed once again, feeling the upmost happiness for her sister.

"I am not in love with him," Nari laughed, turning aside. "Maybe some day, but not just yet."

"So what's a bond like?" Jennie asked, taking a sip of her drink.

"It's hard to say, when I'm with him I feel warm, and safe," Nari mumbled, "remember when mum was alive?"

The two girls nodded.

"It was that feeling of safe, like nobody can hurt you anymore."

"Are you happy?" The blonde asked, eyebrows raised and an emotionless expression.

"With him, yes." Nari smiled to herself, "with the others, not just yet."

The next few hours went too quickly for Nari's liking.

She spent the rest of the night messaging with Hoseok, scrolling through some local news and napping throughout the day.

Anything to distract her from the overwhelming fear of Soomin walking through her doors. She was meant to be in work four hours ago. And now she was terrified of what would happen.

But to Nari's relief nothin happened throughout the night, no threatening text messages, no banging on doors. Absolutely nothing.

After messaging her siblings good night, she decided to message Hoseok one last time before heading off to bed herself.

Hobi

Nari

Hobi.. are you awake?

Hobi

Yes

Are you okay?

Nari

I'm sorry

I'm just scared

Hobi

Which is why I wanted you to stay with me

You're safe, I promise

I won't let anything happen to you remember?

Nari

Mhhm

I can't wait to see you tomorrow

Hobi

I'll be there before you know it

Just try get some sleep for me okay?

Nari

Okay

Goodnight

Hobi

Goodnight <3

The next morning, Nari woke up around noon ish, her phone constantly buzzing aloud with numerous messages.

Hobi

Hobi

Good morning angel

Angel?

Nari?

Are you there?

Are you okay?

Nari please respond

Nari

I'm so sorry I just woke up

Hobi

Oh thank fuck

I'll be coming over in about half an hour if that's okay?

Nari

Can't wait

Soomin

What the fuck have you done

Instead of panicking like she normally did in this situation, she simply ignored his message and got ready to see Hoseok.

The angered bond her and Yoongi created sure seemed to hit her when she woke up. Aching heart, headache, but she could stand it. It wasn't bad.

She put on her only clean outfit, some black leggings and a white tank top, showing off her arms and sculpting her waist.

She figured Hoseok would want something to drink when she got here, so she cut up a few slices of lemon and cucumber before filling up two pints of water.

It wasn't what she wanted to offer him, but it's all she has.

She sat down patiently, combing her hair through with her fingers, her brush broke last week, so she's had to use her fingers to untangle it.

Minutes later there was a knock at the door, and then a notification on her phone.

Hobi

Hobi

It's just me <3

Nari opened up the door to see a very handsome looking Hoseok, just wearing a white shirt and a pair of baggy jeans. But boy did it make him even hotter than Nari originally thought he was.

"Morning beautiful," Hoseok smiled.

"Please, come in." Nari wasn't ashamed of her apartment or how she lived, she didn't have a manor like they did, but she knew that Hoseok wouldn't judge her for how she lived.

Hoseok stepped inside, dropping his bag by the small kitchen counter, grabbing Nari by her waist, closing the door shut with his foot, before kissing her deeply.

Nari was shocked by the sudden affection, but didn't mind by any means, and kissed him back just as deeply.

She lead Hoseok over to her couch, where he crawled on top of her, continuing the kiss.

Neither of them wanted to go any further then just kissing for the time being, but they couldn't seem to control themselves, as the kids got more heated, so did they.

Hands in his hair, his hands all over her body, the two made out for quite a while, not even bothering to say a word, just long passionate kisses expressing their soul devotion to one another.

When they finally pulled away, instead of the awkward tension they were expecting, they both burst into giggles.

"You stuck to your promise then?" Nari hummed with a little laugh as she stroked back his hair. Hoseok smiled with a nod.

"It's felt like days since I've seen you, you haven't left my mind even for a second." He leaned down and kissed her nose.

Nari let out a comfortable sigh, her hands clasping behind his neck, pulling him to rest on her chest, their embrace too powerful to let go of.

"I've missed you," Nari hummed, as she stroked back his hair. "I've slept alone for years, but last night was the hardest night of my life, and I don't know why."

"We'll that's because of the bond," Hoseok spoke, his breath falling onto her chest. "Because the other day we slept so close together, immediately losing that touch made us hungry for more."

"I made you a drink," Nari smiled, "I know it's no noma, but it's all I can offer you right now."

"I'll take you there one day, to noma I mean."

"I'll hold you to that," Nari smiled, kissing his head. "You know, I've literally never been like this with anybody." She sighed. "Hobi?"

"Mhhm."

"I want to show you something, because I trust you and if we're going to continue like this, you'll find out eventually."

She moved Hobi up off her, immediately feeling colder then she did before, that could be because the heating doesn't work, or the bond, who knows.

Hoseok tilted his head as he sat next to his soulmate.

Nari slowly lifted up her shirt, just below he rib cage.

On her skin, there layed her soulmates, all bleached over, yet Hoseok's mark shone through. A small sunshine next to Nari's snowflake, along side a new, but dark coloured clover on the opposite side.

Faded scars scratched each mark, her stomach slightly discoloured from the amount of abuse she got when she was younger.

"I know it's disgusting, but it's-"

"It's not disgusting." Hoseok's eyes narrowed, "it's a part of you, and you're perfect." He gently placed his finger on the sides of her stomach, "but just tell me who did this to you angel."

Nari looked away from him, feeling his finger trace over each mark, "my father.. didn't like that I wasn't completely under his control." She took a breath, "he tried his best to get rid of them, I was meant to be getting married that year, to someone he approved of."

"What happened then?" Hoseok asked, as he traced his finger over his own mark, making it glow lighter, the butterflies affecting both of them.

"When my mother passed away the year before, I made a promise to her that I'd protect Jennie, Rosé and Felix. After all my father wouldn't," she smiled thinking of her siblings and how proud she was of them. How they managed to live a stable and somewhat normal life made her so incredibly happy. "Jennie was turning 16 two  years later, so I knew I had to get them out of there." She paused to regain her shaky breath, "that same year I took them out of the house, stole the money my mother left for us, and bought a train ticket from Jeju to Seoul."

She remembered the train ride like it was yesterday, thirteen year old Felix and Rosé, 14 year old Jennie and sixteen year old Nari. Four terrified runaways. With only one backpack each. God knows how they survived.

"I rented out an apartment for us to live in, until they all wanted to do separate things. Felix wanted to perform, Rosé wanted to find her soulmates, Jennie wanted to model, so I let them go."

Hoseok smiled at his soulmate, "that's selfless of you, I can't imagine how scared you were."

"I wasn't scared for myself, I've been through a lot of shit, I was worried for them." She looked down, "less scared for Felix, as he got casted for some agency pretty quickly, but Rosé and Jennie struggled for a while," she played with her fingers, "that's why I make sure they have money every week, I like knowing that they have something you know?"

Hoseok nodded, "my older sister is my rock, I don't know what I'd do without her. She had some trouble with Namjoon years ago, they didn't meet eye to eye, she can be quite.. protective." He chuckled, "but Jiwoo is lovely, I think you'd both get along."

Nari smiled, "I hope so."

"Hey," hoseok whispered.

Nari turned to look at him, before she knew it he quickly leant in and kissed her lips softly. "You're perfect. Past or not, you're mine and I'll protect you forever okay?"

Nari chuckled, "I'll hold you to that."

"You should let me meet your siblings huh, they seem like great people."

"Maybe I could make a group chat for you guys?"

"I'd like that," Hoseok smiled, "you know the other boys have been asking about you."

"Hmm, that's sweet of them."

Hoseok sighed and pulled Nari onto his lap, "you know what I think?" he rested his hands on her thighs.

"That we're moving too fast?"

Hoseok laughed, moving his left arm around her waist, pulling her closer, "well yes, but I don't care about that," he smiled, "I think you're the most gorgeous person I've ever laid eyes on."

"Not very fair to the others huh?"

"Im one hundred percent positive they agree."

Nari laughed, holding his cheek, leaning in and kissing him softly.

"I like this."

"Hmm?"

"Being with you, kissing you. You make me feel safe."

Hoseok's smile returned, "I'll keep you safe." He leaned forward to kiss Nari's lips.

"We're like two teenagers in a relationship for the first time." She laughed, "it's insane."

Hoseok kissed her again, "that's exactly what I want."

Hoseok laid down, pulling her further on top of him, "you want to go out for lunch? My treat?"

Nari sighed, "I could make us some noodles? It's cheaper."

"Okay, go get changed, we're off out for the day." He pecked her lips quickly and picked her up off of him.

"Hoseok," Nari's eyes narrowed, "No spending money."

Hoseok grinned, "okay.”

[citrus-blade]

20 questions for Writers thing

I got tagged by the wonderful @mistythedritten! thank you!

How many works do you have on Ao3?

Sixteen! I added like 7 due to the Citrus Dreamnoblade Week lol

2. What is your word count?

250.818! honestly more than I thught lol

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Dream SMP! :] (I used to write for Good Omens on another account a bit ago but have abandoned this lol)

4. What are your top 5 fics? (stats)

I'll go by Kudos! :] Infinitesimal, Home, Treasure, Hiraeth - Part 1 and Chains! :]

5. Do you always respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try to! Sometimes when I don't know what to comment and it would just be a 'thank you', that i already wrote 3 times to a different person I won't. usually I try to always bring something unique to a comment to show how much I appreciate them!

However, when someone comments on a fanfiction that has long been finished I usually don't reply cause I'm not sure if that would be seen as weird or not. I'm really insecure when it comes to replying comments cause I don't wanna be annoying

6. Angstiest ending for a fic?

Oof... i think it's Home (but it's more on the bittersweet one) or Time. But if you put them next to each other it's deffo Time. Hubert is also kinda angsty but the story is kinda fast paced that it doesn't feel angsty lol

7. First Fic with a Happy Ending?

Golden! My first ever DNB fic and therefore also the first one with a happy ending! :]

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Yeah! That's why I have to agree to comments for them to be public on my fanfictions! It's always anon and usually just people calling me names and slurs, trying to tell me what a horrible person I am lol

Can't really take this serious tbh

9. Do you write smut?

Yes! I really enjoy reading smut and also like writing it! I'm not good in it and I'm always frustrating a bit but I still enjoy it!

10. Do you write crossovers?

Ehhh, not really? But also yes...? I wrote a pokemon crossover, but I don't think that doesn't really count cause it's more an AU and none of the main characters of the anime/games appear except for Team Rocket. I think. I don't remember which villains I took, there are a lot.

I usually don't write crossovers because I'm unsure how good I can represent the other show. I'd love to write a Star Wars one or a Hogwarts one, but I am NOT into those movies and am too scared to write something that doesn't make sense. So usually I try to take apsects of those universes and try to turn it into my own kinda thing.

For example my Dragon Rider-AU that I am working on was supposed to be a Hogwarts AU with magic, but it kinda turned into it's own thing with focus on Dragons but still with magic! :D

11. Ever had a fic stolen?

Don't think so? If anyone ever sees any of my fanfictions somewhere that's not AO3 please tell me! But as far as I'm aware none was stolen! :]

12. Ever had a fic translated?

Yes! I think Infinitesimal was started to translate in two languages, but I'm not sure if that's still happening. I know some chapters were uploaded? And apparently someone wanted to translate Apocylapse into russian!

13. Ever co-written?

Nope! Don't really know how that works tbh lol

14. Favorite ship?

Dreamnoblade and DNF!

15. What's the WIP you want to finish but probably never will?

OOF. I have sworn to myself to always finish what I start to write so not sure. Some ideas probably will never happen, but usually when I start writing something I will finish it sooner or later, specially when I started posting it somewhere

16. Writing strenghts?

No clue, I don't know if I have a specific strength. Sometimes I like something I write and then I read it and hate it lol

17. Writing weaknesses?

FIGHT SCENES MY ABSOLUTE ENEMY!!!

18. Thoughts on dialog in another language in a fic?

I write in english but think about including german sometimes lol When Attack on titan can do it in their openings I can do it in my fanfiction! Usually I like it as long as the translation is given atp in the fanfiction! :D

19. First fandom you have written for?

OOF. Eeeehm. I think Good Omens. I orphaned all my stuff there though lol

20. Favorite fic you have written?

Infinitesimal and Home :] (I also like that pokemon one lol)

And that's it! That was fun! :]

I'm too insecure to tag someone so whoever wanna do this, do it! :]

[consistentsquash]

5 fic recs for Friday

Pretty behind on reading but got some recs for you!! Happy Friday <3

Fruitful by dalula.

Length - 1500 words.

Pairing - Druella/Cygnus

Blurb - Super creative. Super rare pair. Really intense Druella characterization. Creepy/dirty/bad/hot/wrong. This fic is pretty ruthless. Loved it. From @hp-chan-fest. The collection on AO3.

Vibe quote

He doesn't even blink when she takes him to an empty bedroom and locks the door behind him. With siblings like Walburga and Alphard, Druella had expected him to have some kind of common sense, or at least a little curiosity, but no. He stands waiting for her, delightfully naïve.

Hiraeth by @theseismicshifts

Length - 2800 words

Pairing - Genfic. Regulus and Sirius.

Blurb - Omg. Regulus checking on his brother during Azkaban. It's horrible. Super tragic. Super loving. Heartbreaking. Must read. This is from Ghost Regulus Fest 2023.

Jumping up, Regulus stood between the hungry Dementor and what remained of his brother. With his feet planted firmly and hands gripped in knuckle whitening fists, he was determined to make a difference– this time.

Just Wednesday by @lumosatnight

Length - 2200 words

Pairing - Wednesday/Enid

Blurb - Ok! Super late to the Wednesday f/f fics but I picked the best fic to start with. Totally vibe with this. Really love how sensitive + bold the fic gets about gender vibes. Also Monday (fuck/fucker/fucks) is my gender on Mondays just in case anybody wanted to know :D

“Personal pronouns. I think they’re dumb. They shouldn’t matter.” Eugene pokes his curly head around the hive. “I don’t think they’re dumb.” His brows pinch together. “And I think they do matter. It gives you something to feel connected to, something to say ‘This is for me. This is mine.’” He looks down sheepishly. “I mean, only if you want to. But lots of people want to. I know I want to. I know Enid wants to, too.”

Year of the Thestral by @perverse-idyll

Length - 22800 words WIP

Pairing - Hooch/McGonagall, Snape/McGonagall

TL;DR - You know what they say about making deals with the devil. This fic is pretty much that.

A fic I read at work. I mean I definitely shouldn't be reading at work but I saw the update and of course needed to read it immediately. Because this is my favorite WIP from perverse_idyll at the moment. Maybe it's kind of a Snarry betrayal to say that but I feel the Snape characterization here is the same level of intense as Rose and Fire which is something I haven't seen before in fic. YMMV!

Premise - the structure of the fic is really brilliant. We get to start with McGonagall post war but like really, really post war. Love the themes of growing older and how that makes you think about the past differently. Of course, for McGonagall the past doesn't get easier to think about. Because her past during that DH year is the worst. Really intense, really about a battle of ego/principles/desperation/hatred/everything. We get to see why that is. Definitely not good. I am a super Snape fan but I really want to cancel him in this fic. But McGonagall herself is super flawed/super human. I feel for her so much. Actually I feel for both of them but Snape is definitely A+ bastard.

Prose - Gosh, the prose. It's actually pretty different from the usual PI prose. The McGonagall voice is super sharp/super observant/super vivid. But not like in the descriptive sense we get to see in the author's other fics. This is an incredibly brutal POV which definitely goes more hammer compared to paintbrush. Idk if that makes sense.

Vibe quote

"One more thing before you go," he said, and Minerva braced herself, her gaze lifting to the portrait of Dumbledore asleep, head on one hand, spectacles sitting crooked on his crooked nose. "Do not ever," Severus enunciated, the hiss sharpening to a viper's threat, "come in here and presume to thank me for sparing your conscience. I will not tolerate being patted on the head as if I've performed a party trick. I'm not your pet, Minerva. My perceived lenience in this instance has nothing to do with you. Make that mistake again, and I will take my alleged 'fairness' out of Longbottom's hide." "Over my dead body," she snapped, meeting coldness with coldness and feeling that melodramatic ripostes were the only possible response to such foul nonsense.

The Eumenides Triptych (Szozat, Eumenides, O Glaube) by eldritcher

Length - 12000 words, complete.

Pairing - Tom Riddle/Abraxas Malfoy.

TL;DR - Sometimes making deals with a God is just as bad as making deals with a devil. This fic is pretty much that.

Dark/delicious/intense. Mythical/haunting/lyrical/horrible. Super unhealthy. Also Love in Capital Letters. <3

Premise - There are three Gods in Tom Riddle's life. First of course is Albus Dumbledore. Second is Tom himself. Third is Abraxas who is Tom's love interest. Depending on the choices Albus Dumbledore and Abraxas make Tom either goes into madness + evil + destruction or has a traumatized life after going through a lot of loss/grief . Definitely no happy ending. But it's absolutely human either way.

Beats - Albus Dumbledore timetravels to adopts/raises Tom Riddle but Tom dies during the war with Grindelwald. Albus resurrects Tom with Sacrifice in Szozat. Of course Abraxas has got to deal with the fallout in Eumenides. It is horrible. But also beautiful. We get to see the conclusion in O Glaube.

The theme of choice - The Prometheus Triptych has some of the defining characterizations and character dynamics which influenced literally 99% of the fics in that pairing. It is about Abraxas enabling Tom Riddle because of their love. Eumenides goes in the opposite direction which is Abraxas fixing Tom Riddle because of love. A beautiful story about the two of the extremes love can lead to. Somebody said it's the difference between the Tragedy that condemns/The Tragedy that redeems. Pretty much this 100%.

Vibe Quote

Grindelwald had dragged the boy before us. His men had carven an eagle on his back, and cut his bones open from breast to loin, and pulled his organs out and fed them to the dogs. And what remained, it had been left to rot in the open fields of the no man's land on the front. There it would have lain, until the vermin and the rains and the earth picked it clean, but Albus Dumbledore had been a creature that had swept across time to raise the boy as his own, and he had eaten the flesh to inverted womb's song.

[withloveajaxx]

hi! congratulations on 500 followers! thank you for sharing your writing with us, they make me feel warm and happy :3 for your event may i request aster, calla lily, and gardenia with xiao? thank you and congratulations again!

❁ prompt/s: "of course i noticed. i notice everything about you." + "wow… you look amazing…" + "the world is lucky to have you." + xiso

❁ warnings: none

❁ summary: xiao knows he isn't the best when it comes to words. but he still tires anyways.

❁ note: HI ANON TYSM FOR ENJOYING MY WORKS ILY HUHU T-T. this is a bit shorter than my usual fics since it's only 500 smthg words :"D but i hope you still enjoy this nonnie ^^ please remember to take care always and have an absolutely amazing day mwah <33

xiao had never been the best with words. despite being in a relationship with you for what he considered to be a fairly long time, he still struggled to say things a normal person could so easily speak. 

he means to compliment you, to tell you how much he loves you and enumerate all the reasons why, but the affectionate words always seem to get caught up in his throat, never truly being able to get them out. he envies how other people compliment and are able to speak to you so freely and easily, even if they weren’t someone you were particularly close to. 

he knows he has to be better for you. he wants to be better at verbally expressing his feelings for you, knowing just how happy it would make you.

(more utc!)

so, xiao decides to act on his desire. 

he somehow musters the courage to ask you out on a date, knowing how you could use this to unwind and spend some time with him. his cheeks were flaming red. he could barely meet your eyes, and he might have stammered over his words a bit, but with the bright smile you give him, he deemed the embarrassment well worth it. 

when he meets with you for the date, he vows to try and grace you with as much compliments as he can manage, no matter how flustered he gets. he swears he's asked zhongli for some basic compliments and he's already had some of them on the tip of his tongue.

but the moment he sees you, his mind goes blank. his mouth is dry and the words he had ready for you disappeared in mere seconds with how stunning you looked. 

"wow…" xiao says, his mind unable to grapple and form coherent words. his warm eyes glance at you from head to toe in what you could clearly tell was adoration. "you look amazing…"

your cheeks flare at the sudden compliment. "why thank you, xiao," you reply, a wide smile making its way onto your features.

"is that new?" he asks suddenly, gesturing to your outfit. taken aback by his keen observance you can only nod.

"it is actually. i'm surprised you noticed." 

"of course i noticed. i notice everything about you," the adeptus states firmly, cheeks growing as dark as yours at his bold proclamation. 

"you're rather wordy today." you chuckle as you both start to walk towards liyue, the back of his hand ever so slightly brushing against your own. "what's up?"

xiao is silent for a few moments. he was never quite good with his feelings either so finding the words to describe how he felt, what his intentions were was proving to be quite the challenge for him. 

"nothing." he keeps his eyes forward as you two walk, figure tense. "it's just… the world is lucky to have you. i'm lucky to have you. i don't say things to make it obvious, but i supposed i could try."

xiao didn't need to look at you to sense the beaming smile on your features in response to his words. 

he feels himself relax when you intertwine your hands with his. a wave of relief crashes into him when you give his hand a reassuring and gentle squeeze as you two continue to trek along the path leading to the city. 

"your effort is all i could ever ask for. it's more than enough for me."

taglist (send an ask to be added or removed): @dawndelion-winery @tiredsleep @codename-hiraeth @mari-san-cant @mininji @artificial-heartache

© withloveajaxx 2022. please do not copy, plagarize, or translate in any way.

[chill-pills-yandere-haven]

True Bonds Don't Break Until the end of Time- Liyue edition

(^ a screenshot from a friend of mine after they got to a higher world level)

An: Kazuha has very weird characterization for me to write. I have a friendship lv 10 Kazuha and Xingqiu. (Kazuha is Inazuman but would technically still be in Liyue which is confirmed as Beidou says that he decided to stay with the Crux) Runner up is Ajax/childe with Lv 9 friendship. I'm sort of just assuming that with higher friendship lv in this au, the possibility of the acolytes recognizing your divinity goes up. Ex. Lv 6= 60% chance of them recognizing you. But with eroded archons (ex. Zhongli *wink wink*) the chance is lowered. Btw I have a friendship lv 4 Zhongli.

Thank you @hiraeth-rawr for the idea!

Warnings: Yandere themes, religious themes, Kazuha says the f word, slapping

"The wind... No, the very voice of Teyvat, it calls to me. It's beckoning me to their side."

Kazuha swayed as the same warmth that enveloped him ever since the Creator had 'pulled' on him twice. The feeling was best described as how it would feel to be a wave in the ocean, going wherever without a care in the world, satisfaction multiplied ten-fold. What Kazuha had always perceived as the true goal of eternity, the eternal warmth of the Creator's glow. Beidou caught him just before he would tip over.

"Woah, Kaz'! You okay there?" Beidou set him back standing with a worried look on her face. Kazuha reassured her, giving her a soft "I'm Okay," and putting a hand on her shoulder.

"It-It's like all the other times I felt their warmth, but so, so different. As though they were here..." They were, weren't they? Kazuha's eyes lit up with a shine Beidou hadn't seen since the time they got authentic Inazuman sake on board.

Beidou of course knew who 'they' were, usually having to cover for Kazuha when he was haphazardly whisked away by the creator to new lands. He told her about them, how every time they chose him to be their vessel a sort of connection grew stronger. In the beginning, when they hadn't even reached the city of contracts yet but managed to create a connection with Kazuha, their voice was a whisper as loud as a pin dropping. Now when they were here, he could hear them as though they were right beside him.

"Follow me," Kazuha looked towards their general direction. All he had to do was follow the pull. And he'd happily follow them to the ends of Teyvat. He knew where they were.

He would find them. (And maybe they would be happy that he found them first.)

He did not find them first.

Zhongli, the man who had replaced that silent hearth of a redhead the creator used to swoon over, was standing over who he was sure was the Creator. God, the pull was strong, everything around him was so much more vivid. He could smell the scent of his creator, unlike the majority of scents, he couldn't tell what it was, all he knew was that he found it rather appealing.

His hearing was much stronger here too. Maybe he was wrong about his gift of enhanced senses being from nature or the anemo archon. Maybe they were from the Creator. He could hear their heartbeat, loud like a scream. They were scared. The beat ran fast, as though they were cornered by a wild beast.

Considering the situation, that might've been a better alternative.

"Zhongli, what the hell!? I'm no Creator, or imposter or anything! Just some confused person who now regrets pulling for you," they were on the ground, scrambling away from Zhongli who had his polearm out.

Why were they afraid? Wasn't Zhongli one of their most devoted, one of their first followers? Hadn't they even made it a habit to call the funeral consultant cute pet names and compliment him? Kazuha was sure that his Creator wouldn't have said something like that unprompted. Unless...

What the fuck did he do to them.

Zhongli looked behind himself, seeing Kazuha and Beidou who were watching.

"Kazuha, this imposter dares to have the Creator's face and even deny their existence. Would you like to dispose of them?"

Kazuha swore to himself right there that he'd fix whatever caused this to happen and protect his dear creator.

SLAP!

"You dare forsake the Creator's love for you and repay them with your blade!? If you were the least observant, you'd have realized that that right there is the Creator. Or is the erosion getting to you?" Zhongli glared at him, a red hand mark right where Kazuha slapped him. His face was full of regret after hearing what Kazuha had to say. Zhongli had only joined them recently and often tried to get on Kazuha's good side as he was currently the one most favoured by the Creator.

A boy Kazuha knew as Xingqiu arrived with his friend Chongyun. With them came the 11th of the Fatui harbingers code-named Childe, though Kazuha knew that his real name was Ajax as he'd been called that by the Creator. They got there just in time to see the creator's favourite slap an Archon in the face. Both were confused until they saw Kazuha comforting the frightened Creator and Zhongli withdrawing his polearm. Xingqiu and Childe were also quite close to the Creator and knew who they were in an instant.

Zhongli dropped his polearm and began stumbling towards the Creator. Xingqiu was sure he would just end up scaring the Creator even more so he started trying to hold him in place. Childe soon followed, shielding the creator from him. Though they would've preferred to be the one holding the Creator in an embrace, they knew this would be better for their dear Creator. Kazuha definitely owed the both of a favour after this though, Zhongli didn't have the title of Strongest Archon for nothing, struggling against both of them.

"Kazuha? What are you doing here-" Kazuha could recognize that voice anywhere. It was the same one that spoke to him from beyond the barrier, whispering compliments and comments to him when they were there.

"Shh, you're okay now. No one will hurt you while I'm here," Kazuha shushed and revelled in the scent and feeling of his dear creator.

Perfection at its core. Holding them was so nice, when even was the last time Kazuha had a hug like this? Most likely a many, many years ago, before his parents died, before his clan fell apart. It felt much too easy for him to fall into his fantasies.

This world was filled with such dangers and was so easy to get lost in.

They'd surely be safe with him.

And only him.

[djarinsbeskar]

Listen it took me the longest time to gather courage to send a message but AAAA I'm so happy that Stitches is back! It was my first fanfiction after yeeeears of not reading any, and it's my comfort one still!! I've probably re-read it multiple times by now, and I just wanted to say that I'm in constant awe of how well you write and how vivid you make the story and everything seem like!

There is one particular thing in the latest chapter that caught my attention: the word for nostalgia and homesickness. Here in Brasil (yes, i'm the resident brazilian fan hi) we use the word Saudade to convey exactly this feeling of kinda emptiness and desire for something or somebody to be like it was or to be where you are, and I just found amazing that this specific feeling appeared in Stitches too

Anyway, I just wanted to come out and thank you for the amazing work and I can't wait to see what's next for them 👀

Oh my gosh, and I am so glad you did message!!

You're amking me all gooey and squishy what am I gonna doooooo. Knowing Stitches is not only a comfort fic for you, but the fic that got you back into the world of fanfiction again, is just incredible to me!

It's so cool that there's a similar word in Brazil (also hi your desserts are god tier adopt me pls), because even though I adore English and writing, there is something lacking in comparison to other languages when it comes to expression and emotion. The Welsh word hiraeth (that I took inspo from) and saudade are words that contain so much life in them in comparison to English words. They convey so much about the human experience that's just so awe-inspiring.

Thank you so much for popping in, it's really made my night! And if you ever come across other words that have no English translation, let me know 👀it's one of my favourite hobbies to actually sit and learn about them!

[cozy-neko]

The Cherry On Top • 02 • 03 | Charity stream disaster • 04

Kenma checked his stream overlay one last time to make sure everything was set up correctly. The streamer was only ten minutes away from his scheduled 24-hour charity stream that Akaashi had set up for him in partnership with the energy drink company, Black Sheep. For every donation Kenma receives during his live stream, all proceeds will be 100% donated to help animal shelters in need of supplies.

For once, Kenma was actually excited about a partnership. As a lover of cats and raising three rescues himself, it wasn’t particularly a hard decision for Kenma to make when Black Sheep had approached him and brought up the idea of a partnership and a charity stream campaign in conjunction with the animal shelter Black Sheep was associated with.

That was why when his sponsorship with Black Sheep had been threatened by a rumor, Kenma ultimately made a public announcement to deny the rumor and personally reached out to the PR/Influencer team at Black Sheep to talk it out with them.

Now, three minutes prior to going live, Kenma’s phone buzzed multiple times. He glanced at the lit up screen and rolled his eyes. It was Kuroo who was blowing up his phone, and Kenma had a fairly decent idea of what the texts were about.

Last week, Kuroo and Kenma had met up with Akaashi and Bokuto for their monthly dinner meet up when Akaashi had mentioned Kenma’s upcoming charity stream.

“A 24-hour stream is too easy for Kenma; the gremlin routinely stays up at least 36-hours once a week anyways.” Kuroo let out a barking laugh as he flipped the meat that was grilling in front of the four friends.

“That’s besides the point, Kuroo.” Kenma rolled his eyes and leaned back in the vinyl booth. “I’m doing a charity stream. All donations I get during the stream goes towards the animal shelter that Black Sheep partners with.” Kenma made sure to slowly emphasize the word “charity” when he explained his upcoming project.

“You know, I’ve never seen Kenma so excited about a project,” Bokuto quipped as he eagerly tucked into his meal.

“It’s for a good cause and Kozume was quick to say yes,” Akaashi added as he flashed a small smile towards the flushed streamer. Kenma still wasn’t used to hearing people praise him, no matter how often he was always featured in esports commentary and articles.

“I have three cat rescues myself, so it was a no brainer,” he mumbled, averting eye contact. He opted to push around the burnt pieces of meat with his chopsticks around his plate instead.

“Aw, you’re embarrassed that you got caught being openly excited for your next project!” Kuroo smirked and nudged his friend. It was all friendly-banter, and Kenma knew that Kuroo meant well and was extremely happy for him, but he flushed harder as Bokuto and Akaashi chimed in to cheer on their friend.

“I’m just being a nice person. Maybe you should try it some day,” Kenma shot back.

“What do you mean?” Kuroo scoffed. “I’m always a nice person.”

Akaashi and Kenma rolled their eyes at Kuroo while Bokuto let out a good-natured laugh at Kuroo’s response.

“Hey, wait! You know what you should do to make your 24-hour stream more spicy?” There was a mischievous glint in Bokuto’s eyes as he waited for his friends to respond. 

“Bokuto-san, whatever you’re thinking probably isn’t a go--” 

“Drunk 24-hour stream!” 

“Oh, nice!” Kuroo snapped his fingers and grinned his infamous Cheshire Cat smirk. Akaashi sighed and Kenma grimaced. 

"I’m not going to take ideas from two drunks. And we barely sat down to eat, how are you two this drunk already?” Kenma wrinkled his nose.

Kenma unlocked his phone and quickly scanned through his group chat. Yup. There it was: a barrage of texts from Kuroo asking Kenma if he had his booze ready followed by a spam of suggestive eye emojis by Bokuto. Kenma was quick to notice that Akaashi had purposely chosen to ignore the group texts and offered no help in diverting the suggestions.

Kenma snorted quietly at Bokuto's message as he locked his phone. He looked up at the monitor to his right and read some comments that were starting to flood in his stream chat. He gave his camera a small smile and leaned back in his chair, answering some questions that caught his attention and saying "hi" to others.

Kenma usually liked to start his stream off rather chill by interacting with his viewers. After playing his music playlist and adjusting the volume, he finally announced his agenda for the day after a few minutes.

"Today I'm partnering with Black Sheep for a charity stream. It's going to be a 24-hour stream and we're gonna spend most of the time playing some League. All donations I get will go towards helping an animal shelter which you guys know I'm all for." Kenma paused as his donation notification sounded and his text-to-speech setting began to read the donation to him and his viewers.

"meowriachi donated $25: 24-hour stream? too ezpz kodzuken"

Kenma laughed and ran a hand through his messy half-up styled hair.

"I was telling my friends about today's stream and Kuroo said the same thing. Maybe in our next collaboration we'll do a longer stream if you guys want that. We'll also be able to have more fun and do more things, too."

Kenma was smart and sneaky. He always was. Kuroo did always say he was the brains of the team back in high school when they played volleyball together. Kenma was good at analyzing situations, and because of this strength, Kenma knew when to use certain words and situations to create benefits for him and his career. This was no exception. The streamer knew Black Sheep would be moderating his stream, so now the company had slight pressure to partner with him again if there was an in demand from his fans. And this was Kodzuken we were talking about. There was no doubt Kenma knew there would already be a second sponsorship in the works.

Kenma smirked. Easy peasy stream indeed.

Kenma loved his job. He truly did. It wasn't every day someone could wake up every day and actually look forward to going to work, and for that, Kenma was thankful. He was thankful that he had the skillsets to do well in competitive gaming and that he had a knack of being able to pick up mechanics of new games so easily. He was thankful that he had a fanbase that enjoyed his commentary and sarcastic humor, and a fanbase that supported and helped him build his brand from ground up.

Kenma knew he owed one-third of his success to his fans and another one-third to his own hard work and passion. But Kenma also knew he owed the last one-third of his success to his friends.

Not once did Kenma regret making Akaashi his manager; Akaashi had gotten him way more sponsorships than Kenma himself could've if he was still balancing streaming, content creation, and managing his own projects.

Kenma was thankful for Kuroo for always challenging him to step outside his comfort zone. Even when Kenma was irritated and didn't want to hear Kuroo's words of advice and encouragement, Kenma was still grateful for it all.

And Bokuto. Kenma guesses he can be thankful for Bokuto for always hyping him up when he needed it the most. Especially when he was extremely hung over from a night out of (forced) drinking and had barely ten minutes to wake up and set up his stream on time.

Yes, Kenma was truly thankful for his friends. But right now, Kenma wanted to kill them. He wanted to kill Kuroo and Bokuto for coming over to his house uninvited even after he warned them not to and for raiding his stream in real life.

Right now, Kenma was seething. One, he was in the middle of a very important sponsorship deal. Two, he was in the middle of a ranked game in League of Legends and he didn't want to lose his winning streak. And three, his two goofball friends had showed up to his house with alcohol and announced out loud to his viewers that Kenma would now be participating in a drunk 24-hour stream.

Kenma doesn't remember the last time he got this mad. What's worse was that Kenma's fans were all for it. His stream chat was getting spammed with poggers emotes, and it was difficult for Kenma to admit that he had been getting more and more donations ever since Kuroo and Bokuto had shown up and the alcohol was brought out. And because of that, Kenma had begrudgingly surrendered and cracked open a White Claw.

Except he didn't stop only at one; not if Kuroo and Bokuto could help it. And at only about 5'8" with a smaller build, Kenma unfortunately fell victim to being a lightweight. And with Kuroo and Bokuto, kings of being instigators, were there to egg him on along with his stream chat, Kenma downed can after can.

Just a little something to take the edge off a work week, right?

end notes:

→ kenma’s twitch stream took me 30 minutes to piece together 😪

→ if you see the same comments on kenma’s twitch chat twice... no you didn’t 😀🔪

→ also peep the stream title change 👀

→ kenma’s the type to use scuffed candids of his friends as their contact photos, but it didn’t work out too well. he actually respects akaashi enough to use a decent photo, and bokuto never takes a bad photo. ever. i guess kuroo’s the only one he can easily clown.

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[krysavium-blog]

Hiraeth

(n.) a homesickness for a home to which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was; the nostalgia, the yearning, the grief for the lost places in the past.

~•~

You will never realize how important a person is until they had left you already. And the moment you try to hold on to them, they let you go.

~•~

Katsuki knew that the moment he started to hold on, Izuku had already let it go.

~~~~~

Midoriya Izuku had always dreamt to be a hero. To be someone who save others. He wanted to bring justice to the poor and love to the discriminated. He wanted to be their savior.

Yet...

Instead of being the one who will save others, he became the one who needed to be saved. Saved from the insults. Saved from the loneliness. Saved from himself.

Life has never been easy on him.

In the age of two, his father left them with nothing.

In the age of four, he was tested as quirkless.

In the age of five, he was bullied by his old best friend.

In the age of seven, he had no friends.

In the age of ten, he was scolded for trying to save someone.

In the age of fourteen, his favorite hero told him that he couldn't be a hero.

He tried his best to achieve his goals but he was caught up in the thorns planted by the society. He was made fun of, insulted, looked down and hated. Why?! Why was it him? What did he do wrong? All he wanted was to be hero but why is it that people are against him?

He cried and cried. He cried until there's no tears left to cry. He screamed out loud until the his voice went out. He called for help until he was scolded by the world.

Life is so cruel.

"Why don't you swan dive from the roof and wished that you'll a quirk on your next life."

...

Izuku considered the suggestion.

~•~

It was their graduation when Izuku stood on the top of the roof. Bandages warped around his broken body. He was tired. Tired of everything that he suffered. What's the point? He had already lost his will to survive.

It was already in the afternoon and the graduation ceremony had just ended. Students were scattered at the gate of the campus, talking to friends and congratulating each other. How he wished to be just like them. To be normal but he was not normal. He was different.

He looked at the beautiful flowers that bloomed into the world. How he wished to be as beautiful as them. To be lovely but he wss not pretty. He was an ugly weed.

He looked at the sky and stared at the birds that sung gracefully. How he wished to be as talented as them. To be able to show a skill but he was not skillful enough. He was useless.

Closing his eyes, he remembered his life. He wished to have happy memories but he never had one. He could only remember the sad ones.

He really lived a pitiful life.

Izuku wished to have at least one reason to lived but except for his mother, he had nothing. He was a waste of space. He had no contribution to the world, all he did was being a worthless being always admiring and always being unwanted.

After a deep breath, he screamed "I wished to live happy in my next life!"

Taking a step forward, he fell. With people witnessing his action.

...

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

..

But before he could even hit the ground, someone saved his sorry excuse of a body.

~•~

Bakugou Katsuki was gifted with a wealthy family and a powerful quirk. He was beloved by others that he became confident of himself. He see himself above everyone else. He see himself as the king. He was too focus on himself that he forgot his old bestfriend. He forgot the promises he made with him.

Instead, he bullied his old friend.

For years, he never stopped his discrimination against the boy. He kept on doing it until he broke him apart.

Katsuki had became someone he doesn't want to be. Instead of being a hero that saves people, he became the villains that antagonizing others.

The worst thing is that, he never realized this not until it happened.

"I wished to live happy in my next life!"

He saw his old best friend fall in front of him. He was scared yet nonetheless, used his quirk to caught him. He was looking for answers why would the boy do that. Why would Izuku kill himself but then he remembered.

Was it not him who said those words? To jump and wish to have quirk on the next life.

He suddenly feel disgusted of himself. Why did he do that? Why in the world did he do that? When did he started to changed? When did he became evil?

When did it all go wrong?

He was supposed to protect him. He was supposed to be his hero. But the past is the past. His actions had already been done. All he could do was to apologize.

Do he even have the right to apologize?

He could only wait. Wait for the right time.

~•~

Its been a month since Izuku's suicide attempt and has been confined in his room ever since. His mother was devasted when she heard about the news. She never expected that his son that shines brighter than the sun would try to end his life.

His eyes that reflects hope was now dull as if there's no life in it. His smile that could be compared to gold was nowhere to be seen.

He was just like a robot, unable to feel anything.

How did he became like this?

"Auntie Inko..."

Her train of thoughts was interrupted by a voice she heard for years.

"Katsuki, don't worry about Izuku. He'll be fine for sure."

She tried to lighten up the mode which made Katsuki more guilty.

"No- Its not about that.... I have a confession to made."

Inko was confused. What confession?

"Auntie.. The reason why De- Izuku attempt to suicide was because of me..."

What? What does he mean?

"I have been bullying Izuku since our childhood days."

Say what? Inko never knew about this, rather, Izuku never told her about this. She actually never knew what Izuku had suffered all these years. The boy whom she thought as her son's friend was actually the reason why all of this happened. Just how an airhead is she?

"You?..... You did this to my Izuku?"

Tears started to flow from her eyes as she cried.

"Why? Why did you do it?"

Katsuki felt helpless at the situation. He only looked down and whispered.

"I'm sorry. Auntie, I'm sorry."

Inko closed her eyes in anger, trying to stop the tears from falling. She put a hand on Katsuki's chest and push him away.

"Just go."

The boy could only stare at her and nod.

"And never let me see your face ever again."

Katsuki was horrified at her words but what can he do? He did this.

He turned away and left.

~•~

Todoroki Shouto was the fourth child of the Pro Hero Endeavor. He was the child who had both quirks of his parents. Others may see it as blessing but he sees it as a curse. To have both means to be the perfect child his father had always wanted.

He had always hated his father. For forcing him to be perfect. For abusing his family. For scaring his mother until she went crazy.

But she was not crazy at all.

He touched his scar at the upper left part of his face. He could still remember the fear he saw at the face of his parent. How scared she was of his other side.

He sighed before grabbing the doorknob and entered. He expected his mother to be there, sitting in the bed but to his surprised, it was another patient.

The patient was a young boy with green curly hair. Freckles scattered on his face like stars and his skin looked so soft. He was beautiful but his eyes..... his eyes looked so dead.

Shouto just stared at the boy when a voice wake him up.

"Excuse me, you are?"

He was flustered and looked down.

"Oh sorry. I'm Todoroki Shouto."

He apologized but the other only chuckled softly.

"Its fine. My name is Midoriya Izuku."

Izuku replied.

Shouto explained why he was there for his mother and how he accidentally went to this room instead.

They were so focus at the conversation when Inko arrived all of a sudden. Shouto was startled before going out to visit his mother.

"Shouto, what are you thinking about? You have a big smile in your face." his mother asked, shocked at how her youngest son expressed such expression.

"Its nothing, mother. I just met someone."

~•~

Katsuki held on the notebook tightly. It was not just a normal notebook but the notebook that he burned. It was Izuku's.

Sighing at his actions, he went to the hospital. He heard from his mother that Inko was not around today since she will be doing an overnight work.

Its not that he did not respect the woman but he just can't stand there and do nothing. It was his fault after all. Even an apology could do.

Looking at the door, he raised his hand to knock but then he heard some voices inside. One was talking and one was laughing. Curious, he took a peek inside and it broke his heart.

Izuku was finally laughing... But it was not with him. It was with another boy with a dual hair color. He could feel the happiness that his old friend expressed. He could also see the love in the eyes of the stranger.

The heck?!

Katsuki crumpled the notebook in anger before realizing that he don't have the right to feel this way.

No matter how jealous he is, he can't ruin the joy of Izuku.

Not again.

He closed the door quietly before walking away.

How he wished to return to the start. To change his ways. To be the hero he had always wanted to be.

He wanted to hold on the promises they both made before. But he knew.

Katsuki knew that the moment he started to hold on, Izuku already had let it go.

((picture ctto))

[themoonwatchess-blog]

Hiraeth - 1

Chapter 1 - Laughter In The Tombs

Word Count: 3665

Warnings: Minor gore, swearing

Hiraeth; homesickness for a home you cannot return to, a home that maybe never was, a nostalgia, the yearning, the grief for the lost places of your past.

Hiraeth. That's all I feel now. I'm too caught up in the past to focus on the present tense, not that it matters anyway. My life is full of running, running from the monster I have become. Every month leaves me in a new city, a new place to call "home". The nostalgia of my past life haunts my sleep. I yearn to be in my real home, to be back in normal life, but that life will never come back, for I have ruined it.

Boney fingers outstretched and touch crumbled and faded words embedded in granite. Years of neglect had left the stone blackened with muck. These words have seen years of pain and sorrow but have also seen many generations come and go. One day we will all have this slab of granite above our heads, it is certain. We all die, it is the one thing guaranteed in life, yet we fear it more than anything. I retract my hand from the stone, letting the feeble appendage fall into my lap. A cold wind blows through the public cemetery, a shiver quakes down my spine as I sit in front of the oldest gravestone that rests below the oldest oak tree. The words engraved into the stone are nearly illegible, only someone who had been there for the corpse's burial would remember the name etched into the stone. A shame, but just like the gravestone, we too wither and fade away.

"You do know it's rude to step on a grave, right?" A voice from behind calls out. The words are soft, the slightest murmurs of a giggle finish the sentence. I lift my head ever slightly to get a glimpse of the man who greeted me. He was short and skinny, head shaved clean and the hints of tattoos tease along his shirt line.

That was my lover, the man who I love more than anything, Chester. He had stuck by my side since, well, the whole beginning. At times, he's too caring. I always feel like I end up hurting him, yet he stays. I beg him to leave, to find a better life, but he insists he's happy with me. I hate myself for loving him too much, for letting him stay... but at times, I couldn't imagine my life without him in it.

"Hello to you too, Chester," I reply back, "Didn't think you'd find me."

"I always do," He audibly exhales before sitting against the old oak tree, "You need to have more faith in me."

"I do have faith in you," My face remains stern, eyes fixate back on the stone, "Do you ever wonder about these people?"

Chester is too busy picking at a hangnail that irritates one of his index fingers when the question is posed. Dumbfounded by the question, he simply quirks a brow at me in response. There are no other people around and I guess I'm not too blunt about who I'm referring too.

"The—" Chester begins but is ultimately cut off.

"The dead people," My eyes dart away from the stone just long enough to stare daggers at Chester, "D'ya think they lived happy lives?"

"I dunno," He stands from his spot against the tree trunk, wiping his pant seat from the dirt he acquired upon sitting there, "I'm sure they were happy, Brad. No one is miserable forever."

"Well—" I open my mouth to say something, but decides otherwise and shut it quick. Chester furrows his brow, a frown tug at his lips as he watches me closely. He knows internally what I want to say, I can tell by the way his eyes droop down along with the corners of his lips and he overall begins to slouch in appearance.

"I love you," Chester breaks the sudden awkward silence, "I don't think we're miserable."

Another round of silence, I feel my lover's eyes drawn on me. My heart thuds in my chest, the steady beat rings in my ears as I utter the words in my head. We are miserable. No one deserves a life like this.

"I think we are."

I state the words bluntly, completely ignoring the words of affection that my lover professed. Chester's lips purse, a sigh leaves his throat as the atmosphere grows tense. We were miserable, life had turn cruel towards us many moon cycles ago, but at least we were lucky enough to be miserable together if you would consider such thing a blessing. Long have we abandoned our fragile and tender nature, instead, we adopted the sternness and unlovable appearance after losing our own humanity to an otherworldly curse. I had fallen victim to a curse— changed me, both physically and mentally. I became a creature of legend, a werewolf. I would be a wolf in sheep's clothing if I continued to live such a human way of life, even now it seems I desperately cling to the one thing that makes me feel human; Chester, my lover for many of years before the curse was bestowed on me. It is all I have left, the only thing that keeps me from becoming an animal. I close my eyes, breathing deeply as another gust of wind blows through.

"Let's just.... let's just leave." Toneless words speak up against the sound of the wind but fall on deaf ears. Chester must be tired of having a conversation like this nearly every month, I hear him sigh again before he impatiently begins to walk in circles. He's itching to leave, I think.

"Where are we going to go?" Again, I don't even have the decency to look at the other man.

We had already traveled halfway up the west coast, it seems almost inevitable that we would run out of places to hide. We were nearing the border of Oregon now, California has already felt our taint. What will we do after we finish the West Coast? Go into Canada? The Midwest? It seems like it would only be a few more months before we would have to figure it out.

"Um," Chester sucks on his teeth, "Etna."

Our only option was to run. I had become numb, detached to the feeling of leaving once again; it was only worse to get so attached to a city. I let my head hang down, my shoulders slouch at the words. Chester steps forward prudently, cautious of disturbing me.

"How long is the drive?" I perk up, dark eyes follow up Chester's skinny figure. Our eyes lock, the standing man offers a sympathetic smile as we look at one another.

"Three hours, I'd think," Chester extends his hand to help me up, though I don't take his offer. I help myself to my feet. The bags underneath Chester's eyes weigh heavily on him, their dark image reflect the thousands of tears he shed and the years of pain that besets him. I hate myself for doing this to him, at times I wish he would just go back to his normal life and leave me to rot here, "We can leave today."

"Today?" I reply with a groan. My eyes wander back down to the gravestone I had been so fixated on before Chester arrived. I suck in my lip, letting my teeth bite down in the dried skin. I pick at it for a few seconds while I begin to wander in thought, a red streak of blood paints the waterline of my bottom lip now. The metallic taste draws me back to reality.

Emotional inertia besets me, overwhelming guilt fills my cruelly treated heart. Thoughts wander all over the place, barely leaving a second of thought to peg out the irrationality of some of my thoughts. My brain just draws illogical conclusions, making me believe that I am someone to be feared, that I don't deserve love. However, another part of me pulls towards my humanity, begging me to retreat back home with Chester.

"I don't wanna leave," I speak breathlessly, my tongue wets my lips, the metallic taste of the crimson liquid is all too common of a sensation for me, "I'm— I'm tired of running."

There's a moment in which we both just stare at one another wordlessly. Chester's mouth hangs agape for a hint of second before he scours for an answer to give me. My legs tremble with my sudden jolt of anxiety, again my mind rolls through an infinite number of irrational outcomes to this conversation, most of which end badly.

"We don't have any other choice, Brad," His words run sour, "Just— I'm sorry... I'm sorry."

"I— I'm sorry... for... for everything..." I crumble with those words, Chester immediately swoops in to wrap my frail figure in a hug.

Life is hard, but we are stronger. I can't keep going without his support. All we have is each other. Chester's lips grace against my forehead, he mumbles something incoherent as his arms travel up my back in a soothing manner. I am vulnerable now, but at this moment I know I am safe in his arms.

"Don't," He squeezes my frame, "It's okay."

I lean into his chest, sniffling against the black fabric of his shirt. We stand in the middle of a cemetery holding each other as a bitter autumn wind continues to rumble through. His arm continues up my spine till they find a spot to rest on top of my shoulders, another kiss plants itself on my sweat-dampened forehead.

"Why don't we head to the car?" He asks me quietly, he is torn down by hearing me bite down a whimper.

"I don't— don't wanna leave yet," My words come out jumbled and fight against the urge to sob. He squeezes me tight again before finally letting me go. His arms drop to his side, unsure of what to do.

"We won't leave yet," He reassures me quietly, "We can... we can just go get something to eat, you get emotional when your stomach rumbles."

"I do not--" I protest his little joke, forcing a quick smile as I reach up to wipe my teary eyes, "But some breakfast does sound good right about now."

He giggles as a smile tugs at his lips, he reaches out to take my hand. I let our fingers interlock, his hand is cold and clammy, nauseating at best, but I love him nonetheless. His cheeks dimple as he catches me studying our intertwined fingers, he playfully sticks out his elbow to shove me but I dodge his petty attempt for a laugh. Hand in hand, us two walk together towards the well-worn cemetery gates. The metal fencing is rusted and starting to corrode, vines cover most of the surface area now. The front gate reads 'Hogan Cemetery', underneath is a small engraving detailing the year the cemetery was founded.

"So," Chester looks over at me as we walk, "Did you know that guy?"

"What guy?" I furrow my brow at his question which in turn causes his smile to drop into a frown.

"The--" He shakes his head quietly, "The dead guy, Brad, you were sitting there for a while, touching his tombstone and shit. Please tell me you knew him or else we're gonna get cursed."

"Why'd we get cursed?" I ask stupidly, "I didn't know him, though, no. His gravestone just... had an energy to it."

"If you step on a grave, they say that person'll haunt you," I snicker at how worried he sounds. He was always one to believe every conspiracy he heard and would stay up at night after I told him half-assed ghost stories that I would make up on the spot. Those were simpler times then when we had the time to be young and dumb, "If we wake up dead tomorrow 'cause you pissed off a dead spirit, I'm gonna beat yer ass in the afterlife."

"Shut up," I roll my eyes, "Have you ever even seen a ghost? Much less one that can hurt you?"

He looks up at me with eyes wide open, his face is drained of color and his body goes frigid. I roll my eyes again, this time I'm sure he's watching me. He opens his mouth to say something, popping his lips together for added effect.

"There was a ghost in our last motel room, in-- in Red Bluff," He's bluffing, I can tell by the way his eyes can't sit still, "Scared the shit out of me, I tell ya."

"Whatever," I extend my free hand and forcibly shove him, he yelps stupidly, acting like I just hurt him, but we both end up laughing it off together.

We pass under the cemetery gates, leading us into the parking lot. It's quite out today, the only other car here is owned by the cemetery workers, I guess because we didn't see anyone visiting some dead relatives out there. Chester leads me to our beat-down but still ass-kicking, Camaro. The paint shines a pristine white against the early hour of sunlight. She was a birthday present I got Chester back before we had to run, he always used to gush about how he wanted an old Camaro with white walls and pitch black glass windows. I wonder if he still likes the car as much as he used to.

Our hands detach from one another, we crisscross each other to get to our respective side of the car. Chester never lets me drive, not like I really care, I'm a terrible driver anyways. I look over at Chester, his fists around in his pocket for the car keys, after an eternity of me pulling on the door handle, he finally manages to pull out the small key. He pushes the unlock button and the car chirps a sound to signal that it unlocked.

~ ✦ ~

The diner, named 'Mama's', was our second stop for the day. Chester chose it because it was on the way to our motel room. He's still pushing for us to leave today, I finally agree with his decision and decide it is time we leave Redding.

The diner is full of churchgoers, their fancy suit and ties and dresses stand out against Chester and I's ill-fitting and (most likely blood) stained clothing. One man's suit catches my eye, his hair, though matted and greying, rests strongly against his shoulders; the red undershirt from his suit brings attention to his face, illuminating the dark features. It reminds me of my past life again. No, I wasn't a churchgoer, but I did attend Temple every Saturday that I could. I remember having Chester stir me awake one Saturday morning, griping about how I'd miss Temple again.

I, of course, abandoned my religion when I became a lycanthrope, but there is still a psalm that holds true to my heart. "They bend and fall, but we rise and stand firm." I always would speak that into the air right before bed, more so since my affliction. I always have hope that maybe He would save us, would forgive me for my actions, but G-d is cruel. Cruel like his own creations.

Chester and I get seated together at a window booth. The hostess smells of cheap wine and cigars and for a moment I curse my lycanthropic sense of smell, as all I can get a whiff of is her flavor of cigars— and they smell (and taste) cheap. Chester shoots me a look, obviously catching me wrinkling my nose as our hostess walks off. I wave him off, mouthing an 'it's nothing,' to him so he doesn't become a worry wart.

There's a small television bolted on leverage above our booth. The screen faces me. A sudden face pops up on the screen, drawing my attention. It's a family photo of an old grandfather, his face is painted with sunkisses and scarred with wrinkles. He looks vaguely familiar, I zone in on the news report about this elderly man. 'Missing Person,' the headline reports, 'Last seen August 30th,'.

Then it clicks.

A vision of a hunting bolt into my head. Visions of the beast I was a moon cycle ago. I know this man, he had fallen victim to that unholy creature; to me. Another vivid memory comes to mind, the morning after that big hunt in which my body was painted with gore and dried mud. His lifeless, nearly unrecognizable body lay next to mine, the trauma of the event must have caused me to block it out from recent memory. Now though, reawakening, I remember the day after more and more clearly. I remember Chester helping clean the crimson lifeblood off my sickly pale skin, I remember him saying a mantra of how 'you couldn't help it'.

My head suddenly finds itself buried in my hands, I cradle my head as I come to terms with what I've done. Now I know why Chester is itching to leave this city... because I've killed again. I feel my lover's hand extend and touch the top side of my hand. His fingers are cold, colder than mine. I peek my eyes through the crack in between my fingers only to be greeted with a soft smile.

"It's gonna be okay," He speaks sweetly, "We're leaving after this."

I don't respond, I can't respond to him. How can he let me live like this? I close my hands tight, covering the rest of my face from his sympathetic gaze. A waitress walks by with a coffee pot, she stops over our table and asks if we want coffee. Chester nods and mouths 'please'. I'm still angry with myself to speak and my obvious unwelcoming presence drives her away before she can even ask if I want any. All I want to do now is leave.

Chester drinks his coffee loudly, making a slurping sound as he sips. The atmosphere grows tense again, I had been nothing but rude to my lover today. Sensory overload hits me full force, my ears fixate on the sound of Chester's lips touching together, the pitter patter of children's feet, and the overall noise from the diner causes my head to throb. I dig my nails into my temple, hoping to gain some clarity. Those cold hands touch mine again, gentler than before.

"You're hurting yourself."

"I—" I drop my hands onto the tabletop, my eyes lock with Chester's, "I'm sorry. I'm just—"

"You're hurting," He takes my hand in his, "Why... Why don't we just leave? We can grab something to eat on the road."

I stare at him without making a sound. Slowly my head begins to nod, Chester simply smiles in response. He thumbs around in his pocket for his leather wallet, pulling out a ten dollar bill and leaving it on the table for our waitress. He always tips excessively. Together, we leave our window booth and head towards the entrance to leave. A few of the churchgoers stare at us as we leave, their eyes send a chill down my spine, it reminds me of how impious I have become. The entrance to the diner chimes as we open it to exit, the bell above hardly stands out against the clammer from the people talking inside.

The parking lot is, as expected, packed full of fancy cars. Clouds loom overhead, their dark visage contrasts greatly to the morning sky. An ill omen, I think. An omen that a storm awaits us in our life, that we will be caught in a hurricane of distress soon. One of the clouds glows with lightning, purple streaks rumble against the clouds and a boom of thunder follows. Maybe this might be a good thing, maybe the rain will wash away my sin and let me start anew. Maybe that is the omen.

"Are you gonna sit there and cloud gaze all day or are we gonna leave?" Chester calls from the driver's door, a cocky smirk imprinted on his lips. I crinkle my nose, though I don't outright say anything to him.

With my head hanging from my shoulders, I walk over to the passenger's door of the Camaro. I open the door, ready to leave, but instead, I look towards the sky again. Clouds now cover over the sun, yet its light still beams. I finally let my gaze drop and I sit down in the passenger seat. Chester puts the keys in and starts the motor. We waste no time leaving the diner and heading towards the interstate, I-5, it leads all the way up to Washington State. We don't even need to stop at our motel, we always keep our belongings tucked away in a holdall in the trunk.

And so, here we are again. Riders on the storm, running from our troubles. Chasing the sun, as it's our only solace from the night. One day, we will stop, one day we'll run out of road to travel. One day we will be free from this prison... but not today, not anytime soon.

"Hey, uh," Chester speaks up as we merge onto the interstate, "When we get to Etna... maybe we should sit down and have a, uh, a fancy dinner? Somethin' dim-lit, maybe have an expensive wine?"

"If you can scrounge up the money for a fancy dinner," I smirk quietly in his direction, "We can go. It's been, what, like... six months since we've been able to go, huh?"

"Yep," He smiles lowly to himself, "I think we deserve it."

"I think so, too."

For a moment, I feel... at peace. I'm reminded of how much I am loved, how much Chester fills me with joy, even in these trying times. We run, we leave everything behind and start anew, but at least I'm doing it with him.

[heartshyuck]

'spirits , l.d.h.' scared me shitless especially since i read it at about 2 in the morning lmao the bit of when it was revealed that haechan died months ago was definitely one of the 2 scenes that i immediately thought of when i saw the ask game. dude, really didn't expect that it'd be a legit successful ouija board calling, i thought haechan was merely clowning renjun like how it usually happens in real life lol

omf, the next fic i'm mentioning is definitely my favourite of yours (it screwed me up big time, in a good way so don't worry) i read 'hiraeth' before 'spirits' so my mental welfare was not that great and 'spirits' made it worse oh my lord. it stills brings me goosebumps whenever i think about haechan's dream of the growing boy and what makes it even creepier is that it's basically who he is in the inside and a damn prediction of his future. like dude, how are you so amazing at storytelling? also, if it's alright, what mental illness exactly did you base haechan's symptoms of?

i felt like i love this work of yours the most because it was some sort of breathe of new, fresh air; it was the first time i encountered a fic like this. i don't even know what to call it lmao something like thriller horror, hopefully you get my point. it was tragic, but beautiful. it wasn't entirely the sort of the usual horror-thriller story that's like 'hey this was scary af, i loved the thrill and i had fun watching it damn', no. it was devastating. it's already probably a given but i felt the need to mention it directly: the fact that all that happened, of which what maybe some or majority would find terrifying itself for your narration and plot-building is extraordinary, is because of a desire to feel happiness within an illusionary home made it more depressing.

but what broke me the most was the ending. everything was perfect, from start to finish. it's a literal blessing that it was in a 7 thousand word count, i was able to enjoy the story for a long time. yet even with such a length, you were able to express such grief and confusion displayed by the characters in every word. though as i said, the last paragraph was the breaking point, especially the last sentence. what should be a painful scene is turned into something captivating ("... and before anyone else can stop him, he walks out to be with you. He stumbles and leaps, his body carried by the wind. He hears Mark run and shout, he hears Jeno scream but his eyes are set on you.") if read alone without any context, you might think it'd be a romance with a bitter-sweet ending, wouldn't you? but then the last sentence will immediately come crashing down, drowning you in the sea of truth that his life is anything but full hope ("He wants to be by the sea yet he is met with the concrete of the floor.")

this was supposed to be a short answer to your ask game but as they said, not everything goes the way you would want it to. LMAO

omg thank you so much for this! It means so much to me and has literally made my whole day 😩 ugh ily <3

omg I don't even think many people have read 'spirits' or 'hiraeth' so it's so nice to receive this ask from you! I wrote spirits for Halloween a while ago and bro I scared myself writing that but I'm glad it had that affect on others too. I've never realised how perfect spirits is as a follow up for hiraeth, definetly not good for our wellbeing.

I'm so glad you like hiraeth, it was so hard to write and I really wanted it to be perfect in terms of wording and how it flowed. I'm glad you found it tragic yet beautiful, it was exactly what I was going. The little boy was intended to be seen as haechan seeing himself, I'm glad you picked that up 😩, to kind of show that there's at least one part of him still aware of what happening but he confuses reality as a dream and takes the dream of reader as reality.

In terms of illness I based haechan's symptoms on schizophrenia, definetly not accurate! But i guess it was also lead a lot by historical prejudice on mental illness and how being locked away would further deteriate his mental health.

I love the last part and I'm really glad you picked up on those sentences. Again I was trying to portray him chasing his dream (reader) but finally reality (the concrete) hits in and well 🥴 yeah.

Thank you so much for this ask 😭 you made my day <3

ask game: most memorable scene from my fics?

[hyraeth]

Tagged by @prewar-james (and happy birthdaaay!) *throws confetti*

It's been a while since I've seen these around, come back 2012 tumblr days

Tag game under the cut!

why did you choose your url?

When I was a wee teen and started getting into celtic languages, I found out about Hiraeth in welsh and I loved it to death, it sort of reminded me of saudade in my language. But hiraeth was taken so I just switched the i for y (let's ignore how it'd change the pronunciation shhh). Other word inspired url would have been fernweh. See a pattern there? Yeah.

any side-blogs? If you have them, name them and why you have them:

eeheheh yeeeaah, I have an art blog that I barely ever used because I ended up posting here. And a fic rec blog that I just use as personal fic rec collection.

how long have you been on tumblr?

I joined in my first year of uni, so 2011 and I've been using it pretty consistently ever since

do you have a queue tag?

ah I do! It's massive 10k queue of Liked Posts from hell because for a solid couple of years I just liked stuff on mobile where it went to die in the Likes.I began doing it back when talking over here and sending asks was pretty common so people would know that I wasn't online. And I prefer tagging everything at once instead of as I go, so I prefer doing it this way.

why did you start your blog in the first place?

Hold your pants kids, because it was because of Doctor Who and Sherlock. Eventually Hobbit and Merlin, but it's always been a mess of a blog with a mix of fandom stuff and gifsets and then art/photography/etc.

Even though I'd been reading fanfic for years by then it was the first time I experienced "being" in the same place and interacting with other fans. But I've always kept to my own lane so nothing changed much tbh ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Made some online friends though! (●'◡'●)

why did you choose your icon/pfp?

because the moment I found out there was a ball joint doll of Michelangelo's David I started laughing, but when I saw photos of the phoses and there was one with David doing a thumbs up I lost it. I've been using thumbs up David ever since

why did you choose your header?

uuuuh I don't have one, and I can't recall if I ever had? I do miss the days when I spent hours fiddling with themes to put snow falling for winter.

what’s your post with the most notes?

I thiiink some Merlin fanart of a Silmarillion shit post? Or maybe the most recent post about the heartbreak of finding out a bookmarked fic had been deleted.

how many people do you follow?

499 but honestly, most of these are probably deactivated and I haven't seen anything by them since like.. 2015. I need to clean up, oops

how often do you use tumblr?

everyday, even if just for a quick scroll on my phone. I've been more on twitter even though I really don't like it, but that's where most content is at nowadays T_T

did you have a fight/argument with a blog once? who won?

oh there was something back in the first months of creating a tumblr and it was mega random, bc I was replying to a portuguese mutual and replying in portuguese in the tags, but apparently on of the words offended a random american so that was fun. I had fun replying, I'm pretty sure they didn't enjoy reading it.

how do you feel about ‘you need to reblog this post’?

nothing makes me scroll past faster, my eyes roll so hard I almost astral project and the Spite rises in me.

do you like tag games?

yes, they're fun! And those asks games too!

which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

Nowadays no clue because tumblr engagement and usage changed so much and I just have no clue how it goes in their blogs. But I'm mutuals with some artists and writers that are pretty popular, so maybe they are! I just don't know ^^'

do you have a crush on a mutual?

No crushes in anyone, I miss having crushes :(

my phone bg and lockscreen:

I'm one of those people that haaaaate people in backgrounds, so I usually just use photos I took.

Currently it's a photo of the Baptistery of Saint John in Florence in the lock screen, and a detail from the Church of S. Tiago (romanesque church) in Coimbra. Going for that high contrast with some golden/yellows.

last song i listened to:

Doom Days by Bastille and Dragon Age Inquisition intro because it s l a p s

tagging but no pressure, consider it a tumblr virtual hi & hug ╰(*°▽°*)╯

@mushroomtale @deheerkonijn @rootingformephistopheles @herebehunters @thedaughterofkings