#so in my head its 8/10
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learning abt friendship decay and "not reaching out to your friends for months at a time unprompted is not neurotypical behaviour" has me feeling a certain way
#experiencing some BIG FEELINGS OVER THIS REVELATION#listen i have never ever been bothered abt not seeing someone in a while or making time to talk to them bc in my mind its like not thst muc#time has passed. i mean it with every fibre of my being that when im like 'oh its ok even though we havent talked in a while and have our#own things going on it doesnt mean we're not friends anymore since we left things on a good note 8 months ago' i sincerely believe that#and for the longest time i just thought everybody makes peace with it at some point and not automatically assuming the other person doesnt#wanna talk to me anymore or smth. my longest lasting friendships are with ppl who work the same way i just thouhght that was normal#whatever organ everybody has that makes them reach out to their friends and plan hang outs i probably dont have it#i was already hesitant to ask out Alex bc i spend almost every waking hour doing smth that isnt talking to ppl unless they happen to be in#the vicinity. and at first it was bc i planned on making sure i had everything set up so i dont get stressed out and do it one at a time#but then i find out theres a friendship decay mechanic? and after dating and marrying someone you lose -10 friendship points for every#day u dont talk to them?? actually ive probably been losing friendship points this whole time without knowing bc of this?????#and i notice a lot of my own habits are also reflected in how i play bc ive been avoiding getting close to pierre and marnie since its more#of a professional relationship. like i know theyre npcs but im approaching it the way i would in real life its fucking nuts#i think its a little relieving im playing /as/ a character than myself bc as im playing im just making up little interactions in my head#than approaching things the way i would myself so it takes a bit of the stress off trying to put myself in there as a spectator. but well#being in a relationship demands a certain amount of energy even more so when theyre things that already take up energy on its own#like making time to talk to your partner and make sure they know theyre loved. i dont always have energy to put all my mental focus into it#and this is true for real life so im not really bothered by not dating anyone. but when its a game and i want my character to be with someo#and i know its fully optional and i know i could just apply the same logic to this i dont /want/ to. sometimes i want to experience#the same things other people do at least to a certain degree without the same emotional andmental stakes#no offense krobus#yapping#stardew#stardew valley#puppy plays sdv#sdv#this game has me by the ankles man
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the thing about X6 is that he's essentially a slave given to the Sole Survivor by the Institute. and I think that the fandom's treatment of him would be different if the game addressed it or even just said it
#forever crying cause x6 has no companion quest#i mean like. would be cool if fallout fans could read implications but also i think im one of the very few who actually think about x6#like. what the hell.........#also obv the institute synth slavery plotline was incredibly mishandled and also bad but like. everyone knows that#fallout 4 would be SO good if it was good#one thing i think about the synths. is that there are different divisioms of gen 3s#the common one: normal artificial human-cyborg basically. BUT has a short life expectancy (like... 10-15 years? short in general)#for the coursers i cant decide whether theyre upgraded commons (which would make them 'a class above' with some 'gifted' individuality)#or if theyre just. made to kill. superior physically and mentally. proficient with weapons. uncommon. even shorter life expectancy tho#and the impersonators made specifically to inflitrate the outside world. who have a life expectancy much closer to a real human#but theyre uncommon (usually community leaders) and theyre hard to make. so the commons are also sent up a lot of the time#and the institute goal in all this is to secretly control the commonwealth societies AND to use the synths (with 'a shorter life anyways')#to clean the commonwealth of radiation and create safe spaces and generally make it good and safe. and also perform eugenics on the humans#so that after the commonwealth is safe and non irradiated etc. the institute humans can actually come out and have the world ready for them#and they'd be provided for etc etc. which would make a convincing goal for a vault-like society AND have the ss actually consider joining#but with obvious flaws in their plan (maybe not even their grandchildren would see the outside. the synth slavery obv (with disregard for#their lives). the basically slow genocide of the outside humans and ghouls and all mutated life. like itd be so good#also the short life cycle of a synth (especially a courser) would make an x6 story so tasty. like. hes probably what? 6 or 8? not a lot#is he a child? not really. an adult? i dont think so. hes just here and hes going to die soon and theres nothing you can do#could be a nice ground for a companion quest where hes free and learns how to live to the fullest for his remaining years or smth#also the short lifespan (finally remembered thw word) could actually be a reason for synths to be considered less than human#cause in the base game its just like. theyre just some guys with metal in their heads and i guess they were made in a lab (noone could tell)#coming back to the institute. they would be so full of themselves and scared of the outside and pretty pathetic that thered be no way#to talk them into changing their plans and working with the outside world. but youd have to think about it a bit cause their supplies#WILL run out. its a matter of time. and they will NOT work with the other factions no matter what. so if work against them youll doom them#which is why we could use some innocent institute npcs too. or like... show some children there or whatever. make them human too#but you also see how much destruction theyre causing in the outside world (insert quest about synths like... the mcdonough quest or smth)#damn and i thought i wouldnt go on a tirade in the tags again.... alas#well here are my almost 2am thoughts about the institute and that its stupid in base game#fallout 4 would be so good if it was good
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The biggest con to staying up really late aside from like, the fucking up ur sleep schedule thing, is that nobody close to ur timezone/ in it is awake to talk to unless they're also insane (/lh, like my bestie but they're 2hrs behind me so still doing better than me rn).
#ramblings#siiiiiiigh wdym i have to go to bed at sane person times so that im not waiting all sad-#-bc my friends went to bed LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE#slash silly#ok its 4am im heading off to bed myself now <3 ill probably sleep in til 10 but wtf ever /silly#unless i still wake up to my 8:30 alarm
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like ronnies wuest is ALSO really really good but you basically get to say to her everything i wanted to say. about it not being her fault and about how much i love her and want her to be free and live her own life and not tie herself to a sinking ship forever. girl i love you sometimes your family is determined to wallow in the mud but YOU dont have to. but like you get to tell her that straight up. the combo of not getting to say everything i want to say + arcade LEAVING ME FOREVER. SOMETHING I DID NOT KNOW WOULD HAPPEN. just leaves me with this big aching arcade gannon shaped hole in my heart that will never be filled by anything else as long as i am on this earth. i get to go back to my apartment every night and go HONEY IM HOME and kiss veronica on the mouth. i wont see arcade again for months and months and months of in game time. and i miss him dearly.
#this is very immersive becayse of how i set up dannie and arcades relationship#ie: hes been someone shes known since she was a kid and pretty regularly would run away from home#and at some point made freeside her hangout spot when she was on the run. and would bother the followers. so in my mind#arcade (who i think would be ~10 years older?) would kind of be her tutor and just generally a weird older brother figure#and then one of the times she gets dragged back home by the hair she just never comes back#yk until a few years pass and she gets shot in the head#so i think arcade is someone she thinks about often during that time where she doesnt go back to vegas. and i imagine hed think about her o#occassion. yk like wondering what ever happened to her. probably assuming that shed died young.#so i think itd be very sweet when shes doing quest stuff and rolls back up to freeside for the first time since she was like 15-17ish#so its been like 8-10 years at that point. so i think itd be a nice little reunion#and also like WOW. that weird scrawny kid you used to tutor is huge and badass now#i think a lot about them getting to know each other again and just chatting while hiking around or making camp#and i think as things progress dannie really starts to rely on him more as she feels in over her head vis a vis the fate of vegas#and in her mind arcade is like. the worlds greatest person. so he must know the right decision. so i think she would ask him for reassuranc#or just for his take on the Political Situation a lot#(immersive because i got REALLY scared after killing house i was considering reloading a save. and i asked arcade just on a whim. and he#said he thought i was making the best possible choice. and it made me feel so much better and less scared)#anyways. i think she thinks the world of him. not very many people have been nice to her in her life and arcade is a little bitchy but his#heart is full of love. i do think they have a very sibling-ey dynamic#so i do think once he leaves. she would miss him agonizingly bad#she would catch herself turning around before big decisions like 'arcade what do you think - oh.'#and i think shed kind of retreat into herself without him there. very quiet. very uncertain of what shes doing.#🏜️#<- for the tags.
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emotional support group for autistics who got called condescending and rude as kids just for responding to things directly and still not knowing how they were being mean
#what did i do#i got constantly told by my mother and step father (and his family) that i always talked like i knew better than they did or that i was#just as mature. i was just fuckjng talking what the hell did you want me to do#why do you feel attacked when a 10 year old speaks to you as an adult????? literally what#i dont know on that note sometimes its just like i dont even feel like ive aged at all#sure i have a giant explosion of time in my head just Gone from my memory because i was getting abused but like i dont feel like ive aged#or really matured ive felt like ive alwats felt#i cant relate when epople are like me when i feel all my ages or i wish i could go back to being x age or being x age everything felt so#different..like no it didnt. or im missing something?#i have never in my life felt like anything has changed. ive always been this old. there is no ''inner child'' and ive never had childhood#innocence or a nostalgia or childhood to go back to. i have no idea what any of you are talking about ever👍#ugh jst rmemebred skmething that happened with my white step dad's mother#we visited her house and she literally fucking didnt let me go (not physically) until i replied to her with Correct Granmar. what was i#doing? i was reaponding to her by saying ''yeah'' and she kept repeating ''yes'' like telling me to say yes instead of yeah and i didnt#Fucking Get It because guess what you old white cracker i barely fucking speak english and you are just saying things in an aggressive tone#like thats gonna make me get it. and i Didnt i just kept replying yrah to her yes's and then she got tired of it and we left out the door#and theeeeen i got yelled at in the car by being called disrespectful and rude by my parents. WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO?????????#those crackers never liked me LOL i literally know they didnt#ugh i rmemeber this one time my step dads father was like trying to show me some dumb boxing or karate or something punching move and he#told my mother that i was good at it because he felt i had a lot of aggression and then NY MOTHER YELLED AT ME IN THE CAR FOR IT??????#oh fucking wonder why te kid being abused mighthave aggression but she didnt Know (apart from what She was doing to me) like why would it#be my fucking fault if he thought i had aggression in me HOW IS THAT MY FAULT WHAT DIDBI DO I WAS JUST TRYING TO DO THE MOVE BECAUSE WELL#I WAS TRYING TO GET ALONG BECAUSE THATS WHAT THEY WANTED ME TO DO#she was like do you know how much that embarassed me and WHAT THE HELL HE SAID IT I DIDNT I WAS LIKE#8??? OR SOMETHING???? I DONT FUCKING KNOW!!! I DIDNT KNOW WOMAN WHAT DID YOU WANT FROM ME#mothers when they mother👍
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looking at taking some local evening classes in the new year + there's a lit one on magical realism as a genre in relation to economic & political oppression, run by someone who wrote her phd thesis around a haruki murakami novel... the reading list alone is 🥴🥴🥴🥴
#i havent studied literature since gcse bc i cant say its usually of that much interest to me....#i liked some of the texts we did in high school but studying the ones i didnt like was like bashing my head against a brick wall#but i think this would genuinely enrich my reading bc a lot of my fave lit falls into that surrealism/magical realism niche#so itd be cool to give myself a better language to talk abt it with idk!!#only thing is id have to ask to change my work hours to 8-4 one day a week so i can attend. which they would probably let me do....#ill think abt it. its also a lot of money to drop at once but actually considering it runs for 10 weeks its pretty fair#and itd be cool to have a weekly class to attend. shame its not in person tho id love to meet new people face to face#.diaries
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over two hours with a fucking rock on their shoulder/neck... these men are not real
#gato watches physical 100#from what they said its estimately 50kg... my first thought was to put it on my head like old ladies do.... my shoulder simply would not#stand that weight directly on it for even 10 mins but balancing things on ur head makes things easier#ALSO SO SAD EUNSIL WAS ELIMINATED 💔💔💔💔#my strategy for that ship 1st of all would be clear the path but not load the ship until it reached that ramp#and space the logs every 1.5m!! when loading i'd put the heaviest barrels on the back and distribute it evenly on both sides#two ppl would be responsible for cleaning the way / 4 people reading the logs / 2 ppl getting those ropes ready#and then everybody pushing and lifting the boat in short intervals. first 5 people on each side and once it left that deck it'd be#5 ppl pushing from behind the ship and 5 ppl pulling the front#and also i'd distribute the ppl evenly by weight or strength#once we reached the ramp i'd tie the rope to the ship and keep 2 ppl up there so it doesnt get tangled. everybody else goes down to push#the boat up the ramp until its halfway there. then 8 ppl would go to up to push/pull the rope and 2 ppl would go down to stabilize/push#the ship. oh and i forgor to mention earlier but the other 2 ppl (the fastest ones) would be responsible for moving the logs under the ship#the whole thing would take around 15 mins if everything is favorable which would garantee the 2nd place#that 1st team were monsters to even be able to finish it all in 13 mins
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I…
So I grew up watching The Simpsons. And maybe I shouldn’t have, but hey, it was the 90s and parent-sanctioned family time to watch a show that was definitely inappropriate for little-little kids.
Anyways.
I knew Phil Hartman, voice of Troy McClure and Lionel Hutz died in 1998, when I was seven. I knew he died and was sad about it. I missed his characters.
MOTHERFUCKER I WAS TODAY YEARS OLD—30-FUCKING-2 TO BE EXACT—WHEN I FOUND OUT, FROM A YOUTUBE THUMBNAIL, THAT HE WAS MURDERED. IN HIS SLEEP. BY AN EX-PARTNER.
WHAT THE FUCK
#I assumed he was old and just passed away. maybe he was sick. how do you explain to a 7yo that a voice actor was MURDERED#and idk the state of the show nowadays but esp in its earlier seasons it was definitely meant to push boundaries and yeah#I don’t think I should’ve been to it before the age of 8 to 10#at minimum. but also. SO much just flew over my head. and we know now I. autistic and my parents are autistic#and do you know how many echolalia swims we all have from that show? 😂😅#*stims goddamn you autocorrect. every day the apple company curses my tags. I miss having an actual keyboard god damn it#apple talks#to the tune of spam#my parents weren’t naive enough to think all animation is for kids like there were plenty of shows I hasn’t allowed to watch as a kid#but idk man. for some reason the Simpsons and the critic were a-okay#but king of the hill wasn’t?? honestly I think it had more to do with whether or not my dad in particular liked a show than whether or not#it was deemed ‘appropriate for children’#my mom tried to ban me from watching sailor moon bc she said it was just ‘little girls jumping around in short skirts being saved by the boy#like hi mom I’m gay. and also watched it in secret for several years. she never found out. I told her long after bc I thought it was#hilarious. mostly she was just mad bc my grandpa was supposed to be watching me lmao
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anytime a yellowjackets fic includes some between timelines part that's not close to one of the timelines we see on the show with i'm too distracted trying to figure out how would the characters look to focus
#SAD#like. im like okay so wait its kind of right in the middle? then are they closer to how they looked as teens or in their 40s#and its a hilarious problem bc i have aphantasia lmao i have no visual imagination to speak of#but theres a vague idea of how a character looks in my head while reading fanfic (whereas for books they are just words to me)#and so it literally stops me from being immersed#like mentioning stuff that happened in the past is smth else but like the actual scene happening like#around 8 to 12 years after rescue and around 10 years before modern timeline#that rly fucks with my brain
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i dont use spotify but i did end up doing a new install of poweramp almost exactly a year ago because i switched phones so here's what's the top of the "most played" category. i wanna be involved too LOL
#now this is not a list of the things i most listened to - because the way poweramp categorizes plays seems to be like#how many times you specifically click on a song#and i listen to everything on shuffle forever. my method of listening to music is put the thing on shuffle and press next until i find#something i wanna listen to and then put that on repeat#and i dont think poweramp classifies finding something on shuffle nor does it classify repeats as more plays#BUT these songs were specifcally clicked by me a bunch so thats something LOL#not the top 10 because my settings make only the top 8 visible in a screenshot HFJDKHJD BUT if u wanna know#9 was kage asobi (another jump into the new world song LOL) and number 10 was the poet and the muse from alan wake 1#as u can see i was listening to the liella subunit album a LOT and specifically i was clicking the different songs often#largely cause i was trying to get a handle on the new girl tomoris voice HJKDS but also because 5yncri5e sounds FANTASTIC#especially a little love like kinako and tomori OWN that song they song so so good in it#also for some reason i remembered that portugal the man song from like the far off year of 2010 and it was stuck in my head a lot hjkdhd#triage is great i dunno its just a really fun song to listen to. i was also so very shocked by the video that shidou. is a dad. LOL#mkdr/dscf is just an addicting song so i definitely was aiming for it often#idol is just a very good song also LOL#and hanako by atarashii gakko is so fun everyne should listen to atarashii gakko#also like most of these songs i like partially becaue they make me think of specific ocs but im too lazy to say which ones are which LOL#but thats another reason they were clicked on rather than shuffled to. thinking about.....ocs HJKFSL
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...
#guess who fucking fried 3 very fucking expensive machines today. me. i did#bc a fucking cabled decided to burn out and there was only one little symptom so i switched out the sensor head and inadvertently fried#another instrument. then when i was wait. hang on wtf happened here? and i was trouble shooting. i fried another one. so im down to one#machine. fucking holy christ. one mother fucking cable. a problem i cant fucking control and then i just fucking spred the problem#god dammit. which means i either have to do 20 additional days or we cut the number of reps to 7 or 8#and because of this. ive Disrupted the plans of 4 different labs bc it takes at least 3 months for them to do calibration#ugh. i was so angry. whatever. its fine. these things happen in labs and u kinda just have to deal with it. i dont really feel bad on a#personal level bc ive been working with these things for like 4 years and if i mishandled the problem something was pretty fucked up#bc ive fixed a lot of fucking problems on those machines. bleh. and as im like simmering with rage my family is texting eachother like#yayyy vacation soon ☺️#ugh. its just so frustrating bc i onlu had like 7 days left and i could have got thru all 10 reps. its gonna b maddening on one machine#ans ill have to do more when i fucking get back from vacation when i want it fucking done now but whatever ive bought#my fucking plane tickets and i leave in less than 2 weeks. plus ill get to spend at least one day at home#god im gonna be such a fucking bummer tho. im gonna get of the plane and my fam will b like how r u? and im gonna b like not fucking great#i am barely a functional person and im sure ill b so stressed abt thr fact i have to come back here that ill b on edge the whole time bc#thsts what happened over winter break. whatever. next weekend ill b fucking outta here for like 11 days#and just a few more months until i can leave for good. never walk into thst fucking building again. not that i have anything ready for thst#move. bc again. im barely a functional person#god. now i have to fucking ask for thr stupid bottom of the chamber for this last machine. i swear to christ if i have to fucking drive#down to [redacted] i fucking dont even kno#unrelated
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i finished twelfth night. 25 out of 38 shakespeare plays completed.
#after finally reading othello and twelfth night in the past 10 days im not sure which are the most famous plays i still havent read#bc like ive mentioned previously ive always read the plays in arbitrary order. whatever piqued my interest#hence why i read the henry vi plays relatively early on. or some of the more obscure comedies#but lately since i past the halfway mark this year some of the more talked-about ones im like 'geez i should just get to that one already'#not that that makes me enjoy it any less. i think i mentioned that in my post i made while reading othello#i fucking loved othello. that shit was 10/10 although i very much was reading it bc i felt like i had to at that point.#doesnt mean i wouldnt love it. after all i only read shakespeare bc i love shakespeare! not bc theres a gun to my head#its more like i just want to know what everyone's talking about already#tales from diana#i think at this point the most famous one i still havent read is... much ado about nothing? which isnt THAT famous all things considered#but some of you ppl do seem to be awful crazy about it so ill see#i already knew the plot of twelfth night i had just never read the original. now i have#so i kinda already knew how much enjoyment i could get out of it. some! a good amount!#but i found it a quick read and i wasnt THAT excited about it#the next one i want to read is pericles though. ive read 8 shakespeare plays in 2023 but none have been romances!#i do love the romances. the romances are still the only genre where i havent read more than half of them#ive read 2 out of 5. the tempest and the winter's tale... two of my favorites overall#in a way ive kind of been holding myself back from reading more romances bc i needed to check some of my 'required reading' boxes lol
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losing friendships over being too feminist (oversimplification) its like im back in middle school again :/
#musings#this is so horrible i feel like my entire world is crashing down on me#the world ive spent the past 8-10 months building and collapsing and its just me. alone. picking up the pieces. again.#i cant stop playing everything out in my head over and over. maybe they were right. maybe everyone was going to leave me and i would be#alone.#how would they know. god.#im fucking everything up
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I hate mood swings so much. One moment you go from “I love life” to “I hate everyone” to “Everyone hates me :(,” like girl pick a side omg 😭 I feel so tired without doing anything. WHAT DO YOU WANT 💥💥💥
OH SAMEEEEEEE!!! it's like, nature is so beautiful and you feel like god has personally blessed you with such a wonderful life filled with many amazing things, and then SUDDENLY it's like. everywhere you go, you hear the screams of vengeful spirits walking amongst the land and the ground you walk on feels like it's sinking you back into the earth where you belong, and then you're Normal (re: weird and you're self conscious about everything u do . Paranoia To The Max). god
#menthol iwlnesss#it's like i have to ALWAYS be productive to distract myself from the horrors but it's also like. can't do jack shit bc i feel sososos tired#wish there were more psychiatrists in the ph and that they're not so SO expensive#bcs my depression has been getting significantly worse but im not sure since mood is like.#i want to bash my head into a wall . actually i love being alive thank u . I WANT TO FUCKING KILL YOU. then Unfeeling#and its been like that since i was 8-10 😭😭
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aughhhhh i wish i had books 2 read i wanna read books so bad rn 🤓 <- i look like this. 2 pictures of me 👇
#IM SO CRAZYYYY its whatever. im half done with listening 2 ersatz elevator .. 7 more left.. ill prolly finish ersatz elevator tmrw innit. n#Probably i will finish vile village as well and potentially get started on . its hostile hospital after vile village roght.... i feel so#fakee im sry 9 year old me#bc let me think with my head im almost positive carnivorous carnival is the 10th. YES IT IS bc theyre on the mountain from. oh lord no wait#its all so evil let me check. bc theres 7 left#ok my prediction is. 7. vile village 8. hostile hospital 9. carnivorous carnival? might be switched with prev 10. slippery slope#11 grim grotto 12 penultimate peril 13 the end.#im pretty much positive on the last 3. now i check and kamille screams at me in my head Sorry girl.#> me being entirely fucking right im literally like god if he was autistic and haunted#sooo let me do some math rqq... the last few books r likee 4 hours each i think. and i work 8 hours a day 5 days a week...#ive done the math and its sort of dire it appears ill probably finish either thursday or early friday. what on earth will i listen to after#that.... sigh. oh well... + tbh i dont just wanna do audiobooks even tho im excited for the last half of asoue bc i dont rememberit as much#well. clearly i do idk if you recall but i just named the last 7 books in perfect order. but anyways. im excited but also Lorddd i forgot#that i love irl real life readingg 😭😭#i might say fuck it and read the 3rd miss peregrines on internet archive. miserable .. i want to have it irl but you know.#n then i can go ahead n put the last 3 books on hold Rn so i can read those next week#AND ill put 2001 on hold too bc im sososososo excited abt it :]]]]
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What is it about internal pain that hurts so much more than external pain :c
#rant#asterisk here that i think some people find external pain hurts more#just like. man. i can walk off a tackle. i can limp away with a bruise the size of my head#i dont even feel a slice across my skin externally after a second#which is why i dont realize oh shit i have a cut till i shower later and find a 10 inch long cut down my calf oops#but. internal? god my internal pain SO bad a muscle relaxer. a nerve pain med#and max dose ibprofen and tylenol dont do SHIT#pain so bad that when the pain stops i literally fall s#asleep wherever i am cause the pain relief is so Nice my body is exhausted and just goes to sleep at the chance#i wish bodies let me TURN THE INTERNAL PAIN OFF#like YES body! you alerted me! i get it! im injured somewhere inside! stop telling me now!#its hard to treat it when simply existing hurts so fucking much!#anyway my backs been 8-9/10 pain for a month now and i did ab exercises yesterday#in a desperate attempt to relieve pain after lidocaine patch and muscle relaxer and ibprofen didnt help#and i woke up today at 6 am to period cramps.#and somehow. those period cramps hurt MORE then my back pain#to the point my body didnt even register the back pain. then i took ibprofen for the period#(and 800 mg worked eventually thank fuck) and now i feel the backpain nonstop again great -.-#(to be fair i have. excessively bad period cramps mormally. like make you wanna chainsaw off your abdomen#downward bad level cramps. scream for an hour in super hot bath water with 800 mg ibprofen and a muscle#relaxer pain levels. ToT
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