#so im having to like marie kondo my thoughts basically....

[dokyeomini]

to be honest..... idk when i'll outgrow this online space but it's some day

[faerielleart]

the thought of hange and levi surviving the story, settling down and having their own family breaks my heart in two... we could have had it all. 💔

yep 😭😭

but honestly??? at this point who cares about canon??? certainly not me wtf is canon is that something you eat-

as marie kondo says if it doesnt make you happy throw it the fuck out and guess what thats exactly what im gonna do ladies and gentlemen # surviving off of au, fics and fanarts where my babies are happy ayyyyyyy 🤙🤙🤙

also you know what anon imma mend your broken heart with a fuckton of cute levihan family headcanons so buckle up cause you’re in for a ride

after the war levi and hanji stop dancing around the issue and they finally get a house in the woods and live there together like the married couple they were from the start (but now its official yay)

when they bump uglies they tend to be careful but accidents happen lmao wink wink and thats how hanji found themself expecting yo big surprise

however!! i feel like they wouldnt know *for sure* until the second trimester tbh life as a soldier is stressful and i imagine most soldiers would have sporadic periods as a result of it so the period option is ruled out, also i feel like it wouldnt be realistic for paradis to catch up with the rest of the world so quickly after the war technology-wise, so same thing goes for the medical field with pregnancy tests and whatnot; basically i feel like the only way for hanjo to know would be actually the moment their body starts to change. of course hanjo is fucking TERRIFIED but tells levi right away so they can work the situation out together like they do for everything COMMUNICATION IS KEY MY LOVELIES

anyway the big reveal would go something like this lmao them sitting at the table together eating dinner, levi would say “why tf are u eating so much slow down you’re gonna shit for days if you keep this up” and hanji would say “bro i cant help it im eating for two” and levi doesnt get it hhhhhhh his heart is as full of love as his head is full of air when it comes to these things so he says “yeah i can see that more like eating for an entire army” and hanji has the most bruh look on their face “dude im literally pregnant”

and levi is FROZEN he is so frozen he’s about to whip out a fucking blonde wig and a sparkly blue dress and sing let it go

he’d probably snap out of it rather quickly tho without saying anything he just hugs hanji really tight as they start to cry bc holy shit they’re gonna be parents how are they going to survive this how are they going to handle taking care of another human when all they’ve known in their lives is pain and loss bc thats the survey corps for ya so yeah hanji is really freaking emotional poor bby

i feel like they’d be really, really happy after fully processing it, levi just strikes me as someone who’d want a family (see him looking at the woman and child in the uprising arc and being reminded of his mom) and hanji is like really good at taking care of others tbh they just never allowed themselves to even think about it because of their duty but now that it’s over and they’re finally together and happy, why not?

skipping through the pregnancy and birth shit because the topic kinda freaks me out a bit oops sorry 😔 all im gonna say is that they’re in for a cute surprise just think about it levi’s an abnormal hanji is an abnormal they are de facto abnormals so why not give them an “abnormal” (as in: uncommon, rare) pregnancy thingy and have hanji carry fucking TRIPLETS yes im definitely going there yall they wanted a baby?? COOL, THEY’RE GETTING 3

levi has a heart attack lmaooo but everything goes smoothly and now they’re the happy happy happy parents of 3 little girls who look so much like him but have hanji’s nose and eye shape and pretty eyelashes and MF 👏 IS 👏 WHIPPED 👏 just imagine levi waking up in the morning and seeing hanji playing with their babies and his heart is about to burst (and so is mine ngl) because he never thought he could feel so much love for someone in his life@@:%,%”@“””””...@@.@“% brb gonna cry for a sec

he’d spoil the shit out of them and when they’re a bit older they literally get away with EVERYTHING cause dadvi is physically incapable of resisting their puppy eyes that they got straight from hanji lol ANYWAY they’d be the best parents ever who love their children more than anything in the world and they live happily every after in their little house in the woods, also accidents happen again and they get surprised with baby number 4, a little boy that they name after erwin <33333 you’re welcome bye now i have to wipe away the copious amount of tears i shed while writing this

[watermelonsugawara]

Fit Check I

...

❥ characters: kageyama, hinata, yamaguchi, tsukishima

❥ warnings: n/a - my thoughts may turn nsfw im a simp, mind ur business but nothing explicitly nsfw is discussed

❥ a/n: I got bored while scrolling through Pinterest while procrastinating a different hcs/scenarios post so I decided to make a post about what I think the Karasuno boys wear! I don’t own any of these photos, all credits go to Pinterest. also tried to write more casually bc I had a lot of fun with this hehe. Enjoy *~

ALSO excuse the cropping laskdgjd i did it on my phone

I’ll be posting outfits for the 2nd and 3rd years soon! these just took forever dear god lmfao so give me time

...

Kageyama:

I don’t think he cares as much about his style... like cmon

I’m assuming he knows the bare minimum about the colorwheel so he knows what colors look nice together

At the very least he probably knows which colors clash lmfao

Edgy, raven-haired crow boy enjoys black the most.... shocker

I think he likes altheisure the most

Kageyama + adidas ,,,, I know yall see it too

Probably because if he sticks to athleisure he can comfortably play volleyball in whatever he wants lol IT MAKES SENSE

I also don’t see him wearing bright colors all the time?* Or patterns... omfg

IDK IM NOT TRYING TO SAY HE’S PLAIN BUT LIKE 

To me, his brain just goes smells clean + looks ok together? = good outfit LMFAO

God why is his style so hard to explain

Hinata:

The only word I can think of when trying to describe his style is “playful”

Still a good amount of athleisure because ball is life

Lil tangerine is not afraid of some color! He definitely has interesting pieces mixed in

Like fun and comfortable

Hinata probably loves thrifting and finding unique pieces to mix up his rotation of clothes

This boy definitely wears bucket hats JDKSJDJD

Don’t ask me how I know he just has bucket hat energy do yall feel it too? just me? ok

I think Hinata cares a little less about how well the colors go together

yall hear me out. I think he does the marie kondo “spark joy” thing when picking out clothes for the day LMFAOOO LIKE—

If he’s feelin it that day, he wears it !!!

I KNOWWW he’s the type of mf to wear one pair of shoes until he busts holes through them and wears down the soles

White slip-on vans or old skool black vans babyyyy

Yamaguchi:

LISTEN UP IM EXCITED FOR THIS ONE

Something about bb Yams just screams 80’s and 90’s fashion LETS DISCUSS

Like imagine white converse chucks on him— high tops ofc— THE FLAVOR!!

Windbreakers with different colors and fun brand embroidering along the sleeves and/or back

Worn graphic tees of different bands or TV shows

I THINK HE GOES THRIFTING WITH HINATA BECAUSE THEY HAVE SIMILAR TASTE IM READY TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION why am I yelling

These long sleeve polos specifically!!!! Omfg

I think Yamaguchi just finds 80s and 90s fashion very interesting and timeless; he’s a nostalgic bb

Maybe it’s the idea of looking classic, or maybe they’re just hand-me-downs from his parents I DON’T KNOW I just he’d be so cute in this style

Tsukishima:

I won’t lie,,, it was hard to pinpoint his style

I think he’s a mixture of Daichi and Kageyama

He may not know much about fashion trends but he generally knows what looks good together

More importantly he knows what suits him basically anything THERE I SAID IT

Like Kageyama, he’s not suuuper into color, he likes shades of grey the most but throws in the occasional pop of color 

(read “pop” as a dark shade of blue or red lol)

Occasionally wears athleisure on his lazier days

Tsuki thinks shoes are the statement piece of the outfit

Lowkey highkey cares about shoes the most

Probably owns low cut doc martens... yall feel it too don’t lie

[gg-astrology]

🥺😔☀️💓❤️💓

a rambly all-over-the-place personal note! Incase you just want to hear from me and talk to me!! I know i’ve been gone for a while so if any followers old/new wants to hear what I actually say when Im not answering posts, here it is! 💓❤️💓 

the main point so you don’t have to see any of the mess: any asks that talks to me like im google will be deleted! 

note: the main part of this isn’t even about the above so if u’re looking for drama or me angsting you may not find it here!! i think i sound more like im fatigued and on my last brain cells.. talking about everything and being v sappy and mellow.. so!!! 💓❤️💓 no drama. not here! not today! 

ok now, consider:

what do u guys think about me just taking it easy... i dont know if you’ve been here for a while or for long.. but I usually do pretty detailed research posts?? about topics like moon phase in astrology, basics on essential dignitaries, etc. 

Astrology ‘topics’... stuff like ‘what is x chart what does it mean’ or ‘what is x concept how does it work’ -- not about placements usually!!! 💓❤️💓Asks about placements I just answer for fun from my inbox.. but posts I actually make.. those are the type of things!!! 💓❤️💓

And well.. I just came back.. not in the mindset right now.. so i was thinking.. would u be ok/interested if i take a break from those posts and maybe post more idol astrology stuff?? nothing serious, I just want to have fun and talk about placements and gush over people who may have similar placements to us and how good they are + how we can learn from them... 

Its just fun stuff?? very light-hearted (dont talk to me about crying through them sometimes, bc theyre so good even when i see harsh aspects/them going through manifestation of that throughout their careers) -- idk!! I just want to maybe talk about girls for a while and like, ask people to love girls and support/appreciate girl groups and asian soloists and artists... 

idk!! just a thought.. like.. i’ll still answer astro stuff and maybe i’ll slip astro posts in there as well.. 90% of my blog is still main astro stuff.. just that 10% maybe i’ll do more idol readings.. it lifts my spirits and i like talking about them!! i know its a niche in tumblr, esp the kpop gg astro stuff.. but like... girls...!!! and seventeen members (im nearly done oh my god theres 3 more left!!!)

I know i put a lot of effort into the bangtan readings bc theyre like-- the semi between my usual intense stuff and the light-hearted ones so im-- probably not gonna touch them yet (for now)  -- I always have high expectations for them because they have to be a certain Standard. There’s alot of great bangtan astro posts out there -- part of that is also v pressuring. But another part is that I want to contribute to something in the community as well! That is like, new and welcomed and good and Not Bad... so... I’m holding off bc I have to have like, a week to actually write, edit, re-edit, check myself before I (usually) publish them.. so... this is ur warning my bts inner readings wont be coming out soon!! 

im just talking about gg stuff -- or other idols, thinking about twice and gfriend and oh my god.... girl groups...

I rmb I used to do it to promote solo artists that might not have gotten alot of attention as well.. I still have drafts about Bolb4.. now consider: younha... also consider: xiao zhan, wang yibo... oh my god... but what if-- idk!!! idk!!!!!!

Anyways I just want to let u know whats been on my mind!!! I honestly dont really know? I posted the bangtan answer today (with a warning beforehand) and AS SOON AS I PUBLISHED 4 people left -- to be honest its pretty funny,,, its kinda funny right?? i think its funny,,, like kpop repellent,, but also i Get it!!! its not for u its ok dont take this social media thing so seriously... its fine i do it all the time too, dont feel guilty over blocking or unfollowing someone - do it as soon as you feel uncomfy tbh its a safe place for u make it ur safe spot!!

But!! Yeah!! 💓❤️💓 Idol things, thoughts? 💓❤️💓 

And this is not related but I was looking at old questions/asks in my inbox (some that ive alrdy answered but its still there -- like 6 asks? so thats... 6 out of the current 122 asks oof) and people are So Nice and So Polite to me!!!! amazing!!! fortunate!!!! One lucky bitch!!!!! Thats me!!!! Im the lucky bitch, who?? people are just so courteous towards when they request or asks for something?? wow---

Its only like, half way in the middle of my old asks that I realize once its more mainstream astro ppl start sending asks in like im google search... rip anyone who does that i deleted the ask bc i have a faq.. my only rule is that be nice.. not playing by the rules!!!!! 

Its also a little introspective to think about it now.. how back then when I didn’t realize it was happening I carried through and answered them anyways bc like... atleast people were asking?? they’re curious?? right?? keep the public fed! there’s people out there who does enjoy my actual answer than the ask itself...but like... now that i’m back and Refreshen: any asks that talks to me like im google will be deleted. I’ll quote this and put it up before the read more so thats the main meat of this long rant!! 💓❤️💓

basically what im saying about all this is: don’t let people treat you that way, or anyway you don’t feel absolutely positively happy about. I’m still keeping some asks that I do want to answer/I think can be turned into great points. But marie-kondo yourself, you don’t deserve to be treated like someone’s encyclopedia, dictionary or google!!!!!

they don’t really care, and it doesn’t really matter if you answer or not -- bc they can just type in the same thing to other astrologer out there and mayb someone will hit it and answer for them. So!!!! dont compromise, delete anything that doesn’t treat u like human. Bc u’re not a bot!!!! Do better!!! This is from future nita to past nita!!! Do better!!! This is why u burnt out and went awol for like a month!!!!!!!! Dont let this happen again or get into the habit, cry to ur friends!!! Ask ur beta for help!!!!!!! Add some people in as ur admin so they can clearly tell u what is right and whats wrong!!!!! dummie you’re too soft and kind!!!!! stop making excuses for others!!!!!!! do better in 2020!!!!!

So this is my rambling over!!! Answered 42 asks in my queue, know that around 30 of them have already been posted. That’s 72 done today!! Not to mention the 30 yesterday -- I was v dumb and didn’t close the ask box, thus I had +10 asks in my inbox today but its ok!!!!!!! Let the people Speak!!!! I’ll post this PSA now and go I hope u enjoy hearing from me even if I’m just rambling -- love u!! take care of urself!!! i hope this helps or entertain anyone who’s looking to know me better or hear some words from me personally!!!! this is me, signing out!!! 

[faketextsfromlastmight]

Best of tags #08

A compilation of my favorite reactions to this blog.

@mangafreakazoid on the problematic aspects of superheroics: (Link)

#bnha#and all super hero media frankly#just take this point and *whoosh* miss it ocompletely#which is a shame! because it's fascinating!#media studies

I’d be willing to bet that Horikoshi has read Alan Moore’s “Watchmen”. The superhero society he describes in “My Hero Academia” is surprisingly layered and complex; it creates a lot of problemetic phenomena and its excesses are frequently called out. I’m not sure the manga is a deconstruction the genre, though. More of a reconstruction. Horikoshi’s part of this generation who digested the grim superhero backlash of the 80′s/90′s and wants to address the criticism rather than handwave it. Basically it comes down to focusing less on what makes a superhero and more on what makes a hero, period. It’s become trendy these days for self-aware superheroes to poke fun at some of the more ridiculous aspects of the genre (if Deadpool’s popularity is any indication) but it’s still very rare to see a comic really delve into how weird a superhero society would be on a sociological level. So far “My Hero Academia” is rather successful in that regard.

@kaeru-hime on a joke about BNHA’s pro hero Shouta Aizawan a.k.a. Eraserhead:  (Link)

#i thought this was a fucking david lynch post at first

Yeah, the thought did occur to me too! At first I felt guilty that David Lynch fans (of which I’m part of, incidentally) would browse through the “Eraserhead” tag and not find posts about the movie they love. But then I remembered that eery sense of confusion and absurdity is exactly what David Lynch would want.

@awesome-milkshake-blog on MHA’s society: (Link)

#bnha#the society in bnha is so messed up#and only the villains acknowledge it

I’m not so sure. We’ve seen a lot of criticism from heroic characters such as Shinsou, Monoma, Aizawa, etc. But mostly they’re isolated Cassandras whose voices are muffled by the noise of the superhero propaganda machine. This benefits the villains as they become the only persons loud enough to stand up to the system in any noticeable way. All For One is a villain, he has no ambition to change society for the better. But he’s clever enough to know that this system creates outcasts. By convincing these outcasts he’s the only one able to defend them, he can create an army. And his terrorism creates paranoia in the public, strengthening his “us vs them” rhetoric. It’s textbook terrorism: he doesn’t often attack strategically significant institutions, he instead attacks what will create the most scandalous media fanfare. So of course his first order of business is to engineer a school shooting, for maximum shock. All For One’s followers think they’re part of some great war, but really it’s more of a media compaign to recruit more members into All For One’s cult.

@khirishima on All Might’s merch:  (Link)

#all might cereal would be delicious though

They taste like JUSTICE!!! With a dash of pure unadulterated cavities.

@im-no-hero-im-alto on Mari Kondo killing Mineta: (Link)

bold of you to assume Shinsou needed to tell her to do it

From what little I’ve seen of Kondo, she seems to have little patience for mysogynists. So my guess is that she brought Shinsou around to plead legal irresponsibility in the murder trial.

@rosetteskye on Dabi saving his backstory for “someone special” : (Link)

Are you implying that Deku isn’t someone special to Todoroki?!

It’s written in-character. Dabi’s dismissive of Deku’s significance, not me. It’s a joke about how revealing your tragic brackstory is a stand-in for losing your/ oh, you’ll figure it out. I’m going to bed.

@scream-mans-friend on All Might cereals: (Link)

#shut up aizawa theyre busy voring all.might

The only thing anyone’s voring today is my sanity.

@my-minds-cabinet on Mineta becoming a priest: (Link)

#he isnt holy enough#in fact hes not holy at all lol

That’s the only happy ending I can imagine for Mineta. He gets injured, finds God in a near-death experience, and vows celibacy. Then again even if you ignore his sexual deviancy there are still several instances in the series where he’s shown to be a manipulative jerk, even towars his male classmates. So at that point the only way to salvage his character would be a major personality change after a brain concussion.

@salty-cold-medina on collective thirsting over Horikoshi Kohei: (Link)

#what is WRONG with y'all

I blame baby-boomers.

@doggo-city on Aoyama dyeing his costume black for Tokoyami: (Link)

If you paint his belt black he will be able to shoot darkness

By My Hero Academia’s logic... this sounds legit.

@principle-of-parsimony on Toga romanticizing gay terrorists: (Link)

#this is honestly how some people act

My personal headcanon is that Shigaraki mostly recruits his League of Villains by logging into Tumblr and finding the worst “hot takes” imaginable. Tumblr is rife with outcasts who latch on morally bankrupt narratives where their community is filled with heroes who can do no wrong. That fits the League of Villains’ recruitment policies. Toga’s behavior in this ficlet was partly inspired by inane comments I read on the “Rejected Princesses” blog (Link).

[avpdpunpun]

i disappeared for 3/4ths a year here’s an update?

its been 4 months since my queue ran out and way longer since i wrote an actual post. 8 months about? i think i last posted when i impulse quit a job that was bad for my mental health and just kept getting worse.

sometimes i wonder when ppl who blog about mental illness disappear if they’ve died. there was a big user i used to follow who did, and i still occasionally think about it sometimes, so i figure its nice to post updates sometimes. and being able to look back on posts ive written and reflect on them/what state of mind i was in can be helpful even if it can be embarrassing/dangerous because its so easy to fall back into those thinking habits 

after quitting my job i did basically nothing for 6 months haha. at some point i managed to clean out my room which i had done the bare minimum on for years because of depression, took out more built up trash than i thought was possible to fit into my small space. its disgusting but the only thing i struggle to keep up with now at least is vacuuming and putting clothes away so my space is a lot cleaner and it makes me happier. your living space can really have an effect on your mood bless you marie kondo

after my post about having an anxiety attack taking my test i got my drivers license in march. i saw the same lady again after going somewhere else and i think she just let me pass because she felt bad haha. i never finished drivers ed and i still get anxiety about driving unfamiliar routes but my skills and confidence have improved a lot. i managed to drive 2 hours to a big city to visit a friend! i literally didnt have a choice in getting my license, but its still something i can be proud of. like, when i have to explain it to people, it feels extremely shitty that i didnt get it until i was 20, and only about 5 months ago too but... for someone who struggles as much as me, i have to be proud of it my small accomplishments or i’ll have nothing.

at some point something in my brain just snapped and i literally havent been able to cry? for a long time in those 6 months i felt like i was right on the edge of breaking down mentally but never actually crossing that line and it was honestly one of the weirdest things ive experienced. i almost wanted to have a breakdown again just to get rid of the feeling and reach a catharsis like... i used to be a fucking crybaby almost but i. cant. anymore. but i think ive mostly moved away from this point... still feel kinda weird tho.

i didnt end up signing up to a local school fo gen eds. its still on my mind for the vague future because there’s topics i want to learn about (psychology, natural resources, languages...) and maybe try to pursue for a career but really i just wanted a way to get out of my toxic house, even if it meant going into debt to live in a shitty dorm. 

in the last 30 days though life has been moving extremely quickly for me. i dont think i couldve lived with myself much longer being a useless adult basically living in my basement bedroom of my parents house, especially with my younger siblings getting nearer to adult milestones, plus my savings were starting to run out.

so literally next weekend, i’m moving out! and i make enough money right now that with the rough budget i have established, if its accurate, i’ll have a decent amount of wiggle room and hopefully wont be ruining my mental health just trying to make ends meet.

it took a long time of searching but i managed to find a job that hasnt made me suicidal and has slightly more than the MIT living wage for my area lol. im a janitor now! we’ll see how long it lasts but a lot of the factors from my last two jobs that contributed to my failing mental health are gone. i rarely have to interact with other people, and if i do its my coworkers, of who i tend to only see for minutes per day, or the other people working in the building i clean who at most i have to say hi and have a nice night to lol. i get to listen to music and podcasts for 8 hours and its very routine heavy. i have to clock out after the 8 hours is up so i literally cant be forced into overtime. a lot of people dont respect cleaning jobs like this but honestly who gives a fuck, its something i can handle mentally and support myself with. its still hard adjusting to 40 hours. i know its the standard, but the standard is rly tough for me, but i think i can do it long term.

all of this has been achieved through sheer self hatred and impulse alone, and im very nervous about moving in with 3 other people even if 1 of them ive known for 8 years, and i dont think its even properly hit me yet. literally cant register that i have to fend 100% for myself but also ill be away from my toxic family! i can bring my cat with me, who before this i got to see at MOST once a week!

a dude ive known online for two or more years is moving to my area too for college and he’s so sweet and kind, i feel better talking to him than i have 99% of people in my life and im so lucky to know him. ive been forced to talk about personal things i was kind of dreading (not his fault, just a result of our relationship going to go from online -> irl and things id have to address beforehand) and honestly i didnt even mind it that much when i just got it over with and talked about it to him! vulnerability is literally the thing i struggle with the most in interpersonal relationships and is a huge block for me in every way and in even the most mundane life situations but like... he’s honestly the best and im getting emotional writing this and its weird af because i straight up dont GET emotional about other people. ive absolutely developed a stupid fucking crush on him recently and i THINK hes been receptive to flirting and i cant tell if he flirts back because we already say i love you and are wholesome af but honestly no clue if he’s into (trans) dudes but honestly? even if it doesnt work out im so happy to be friends with him and im so excited to finally meet him!! i really think knowing him has helped me improve myself 

i’ve always thought that if i could literally just achieve the bare minimum in life that things would naturally get better. like i’m still mentally ill and get paranoid about peoples intentions and i think if my boss yelled at me id have an anxiety attack on the spot. im still depressed and hate that i have low energy and that it’s still rly hard doing basic chores. 

but like a huge part of my problem was that i felt like i literally couldn’t TRY to connect with people if i couldn’t face having to tell them bare info about myself, like “oh i cant drive” or “i dont have a job” or that i was living with my parents but not even making PROGRESS on getting out. like how could i make friends or go on dates if i literally couldnt contribute shit or admit these things i was so ashamed of? a lot of my self image was shaped by this because my entire life i havent been mentally well enough to do as well as i should have.

but like. i feel like im finally doing these basic things!! i dont have to hate myself so much anymore! i dont look badly on other mentally ill ppl who are less lucky than i/havent been able to do those things yet/might not ever and are still in the same situation i was 2 months ago but the self hatred is strong pls understand.

i dont know yet if i could afford twice yearly drs visits for meds or anything and probably not therapy. i dont even know what my insurance is yet haha. but i’ll see

i need to figure out at what point in my life im going to be able to never contact a single person in my family ever again, considering i’ll be a 20 min drive away and they will know the precise location of where i live, and if i’ll ever feel safe enough in society to start hrt but :^) you know :^) i can at least present more masculinely in the meantime!

i dont rly know how to conclude this... i’m not trying to brag either im just very nervous and excited about where my life might be going for the first time ever? maybe? in my entire life? i have no clue what to pursue after moving out, but i can figure it out. and just... that there’s hope even if youre as fucked up and mentally ill as i am lmao!

[dear-diary-what-up]

September 5th, 2021 Sunday 5:02 am

So holy shit lmao

So it’s been 2 years and nine months. As I’m sure you can figure out.

Can I just say I got distracted? Busy?

Nah because i definitely forgot haha

So where do I start? I can’t really break it down month by month can I?

So year by year it is (jk nvm I’m going into detail)

2019

Honestly I don’t remember this year all too well.

I went through my Snapchat memories to remind me of what happened and I’ll clarify by saying it wasn’t exactly and uneventful year. Just by comparison of the other years to come you kinda forget.

January- was doing college stuff as usual for winter quarter, house was getting renovated, and I was still with that gage kid. (He was still new at the time but spoiler alert he sticks around for a fat minute) but otherwise nothing too crazy that I can’t remember at least.

February- more school stuff. Had to deal with business week (if you don’t remember what that is we ran a business as a highschool) and we did not do well at all we didn’t get a single prize and that made me sad. It snowed during that February and I was just basically doing nothing but school. Although if memory serves me right, the tennis season was starting soon so I’m sure I was looking forward to that (even though gage didn’t really want me doing it but I did it anyway cause it was something I really enjoyed). I also learned the Marie Kondo folding technique which I still use to this day when I’m not being a lazy bum about it.

March- still doing school things and all that. Tried to do more art by doing art challenges with Alicia. And just hanging with my family more. Also the Kia was “given” to me aka to use as my car for the time being. Not legally mine.

There’s so much to cover so ill just go off tangent

My life is good currently. I got a lot of thoughts regarding my future including where I am going to live and what am I going to do with my life. It makes me incredibly anxious but I think I can cope.

I failed nursing school once already and I am going back this winter. Not sure if I want to but I’m not sure what else I can do with my life so I’m scared to back out of it because then I’ll have a million and twelve decisions to make all at once if I do.

I love my now long term boyfriend gage.

And life it just crazy right now I think I can cope but who knows.

Andy like always it was good reading this again. Looking back on the entries is why I love diaries but I’m too dumb to ever keep up despite how badly I want to.

Im suddenly feeling sad and nastolgic. Or however you spell it.

Life is hard and it’s only going to get harder

I wish you well future Katelynn reading this however many days into the future you are from when I posted this.

And thinking about it I probably should put the time I post the post instead of the time that I start writing it. But what can you do

[mikazukikannagisjourney]

Know THYSELF: The Importance of Knowing who You are, and why this Matters

Subtitle: This super-long post also has some tips somewhere in the end =)

Hi everyone, I hope you are all doing well.

I was gonna post a spiritual log but I got guided to write this, after I reviewed my own stuff aka my natal birth chart, my human design and the gene keys I was born with. To be honest, knowing the self is probably, and in my opinion the best gift you can give your self, as well as others. Because truth be told, some of the most miffing people out there, (based on my experiences) are those who don’t know what they want, if they actually want want they want, or have no idea how to deal with personal issues and stuff because they don’t actually take time to get to know themselves. Inversely, some people are also annoying because they don’t know how to interact with other people, and are too caught-up im in their own worlds to even care or think that they may have hurt other people by being too-self-absorbed. Spoiler alert: I WAS and probably am still on this entire spectrum so I am not saying that I have transcended this whole dilemma and I am better than anyone else. Lol that would be a dream tho, not.

*If you click the links you can get your own charts generated, just add your birth date, exact birth time, and more or less exact birth location, if you wanna learn more stuff down the rabbit hole*

OK, now that the intro-ish stuff has been brought down with, I shall formally start this very long-ish post by writing stuff about why it is important to know your self.

Partial Self-awareness: The myth that you already know everything you know about yourself right now, but some part of you says otherwise.

Well, that sucks right? I mean, no matter how much you say you know what you want or you are completely sure about something major about your self, there is at least a 10% chance that you may have missed a spot. And this normally won’t make itself known until you start forming relationships outside of your own zone: friends, workmates or schoolmates, lovers, mentor-student relationships, even having pets or kids. Normally when we are by ourselves, at the very least we feel a bit more confidence, strength, even some self-love. Because we see ourselves through our own lenses, albeit tinted at times. However, once we start seeing ourselves through the eyes of other people, as well as getting stimuli that are often beyond our realm of control, we often get surprised, and we start acting out of character. And by that I mean out of the character that we thought we knew, in a negative way. Left unchecked, unassessed, or even ignored, this anger or frustration goes on to become triggering mechanisms that would eventually sap us of our good vibes, our zest for life, or even wanting to go out and get some sun, or moon, or stars. In really worst cases, not knowing the self fully can cause self-sabotage in the form of self-doubt, insecurities, jealousy, having zero initiatives, you know, stuff that can make or break relationships. And if you already invested a lot of emotional, financial, and whatever attachment to these things, losing them can really hurt like hell, which leads to more self-sabotaging behaviors, more ruined stuff, and so on. Like a gut-wreching death spiral that only sees death as an end goal.

But don’t worry, it’s not all doom and gloom, for if you know yourself fully, and chose to heal or change what needs to be changed: attitudes, beliefs, mindsets, perspectives, the stuff that relies on your own perceptions, then at least half of the issues become readily solved.

How?

By learning how to recognize patterns of behaviors and responses that were causing the self-sabotage in the first place, and doing stuff to change them so that instead of feeling down and worthless, you instead regain your self-composure, your balance, and most importantly, you become EMPOWERED. YOu grow to become a better version of yourself. See? I told you the importance of this cannot be stressed even more lol. 

But seriously... You might start asking “How come I didn’t even know these?”

Well, actually, your conscious monkey brain doesn’t, but your deeper than an iceberg subconscious sure knows. Not that it’s smarter than your conscious or anything. It’s just more powerful though, because it has more storage capacity and won’t budge no matter how many times you do your affirmations or what. Not that I bash affirmations, goodness no, They’re very helpful with proper usage. But the subconscious mind is a lot thicker than your skull, and more often than not everything it has learned won’t just simply go away no matter how much motivational speeches or conscious affirmations you do. Well, for me and a whole bunch of people who bashed the Law of Attraction when we first tried it. Around 90-95% of the trial users lolol I am trying to make the mood happy here ok? Also don’t be angry at your subconscious mind, it’s the reason why you can sing sappy songs while riding a bike or driving your car. It’s also the reason why you could just start making pancakes without needing a book, assuming you have been cooking it all your life. It has some cool skills too, you know. But when it comes to chasing our dreams and our happiness, despite our best and intentioned efforts, the subconscious mind can either help us tremendously or be our biggest hater, basher, and even barrier and blockage.

This is because the subconscious mind has greater capacity, as well as a deeper connection to your outer world. It sucks to know and hear this but yes. After doing subliminals for 2 years and just now getting the hang of it and getting some harsh unwanted results due to my own unresolved issues,yes, this is a very painful truth. And this is where the idea of gaining power by knowing yourself comes to play. 

Why?

So you can heal your own wounds. Resolve your own personal issues. Become closer and more connected with other people, in deeper ways. And most importantly, be a better person than ever before. All with the help of your subconscious mind. 

*Quick reminder, the subconscious mind can be likened to a recorder. By itself it does only one thing: PLay recorded stuff. Unless you push “Record” in order to change a track in the tape (or memory card yeah I work with both types lolol), it can’t change the stuff that were already written on it, and it will only play whatever tracks are already recorded in it. Forever. Click here to learn more about this dual-sided nature of the subconscious mind and how such changes can affect our genetics, through DNA methylation. Trust me, we learned this stuff back in college and is only appearing out now.*

Yay, the first part of this post is already done! NOw let’s move on to the next two. I shall base my stuff on HUman Design because aside from it working for me, I haven’t seen anything like it that helped me learn even more about myself, amybe a lot deeper than getting natal birth charts. Not an expert but you can check the materials here. It’s one big rabbit hole if you wanna read more into it. You’ll need your human design chart though.

There are two ways of learning who we truly are: learn directly or indirectly.

1. Learning who the self is, directly.

*If you already got your human design chart, please check if you’re a Generator: Pure Generator or a Manifesting Generator (has the 20-34 channel connected, throat to sacral center aka the red square in the belly part of your diagram) because this is for you. All other types are in #2, but since this is for you to learn who you are, or who you are not, you can read this part too*

Well, that should be easy, right? Well, yeah, easy on paper, but not gonna lie it’s quite challenging to do in real life. BEcause learning how to do it involves a lot of taking risks, gaining new experiences, meeting new people, going to new places, and all that enrichment stuff. BAsically going out of your comfort zone. I’m not saying you should abandon all your core values here. But if you’re only not wanting to do something because you’re scared (i.e. you are uninitiated with meeting new people through dating apps) and not because you’re going against your personal values (i.e. being forced by a bunch of friends to go on a date with someone that harassed you when you already stood your ground and asserted yourself to this person), well the former is a component of your comfort zone and should be expanded, by all means.

Basically, just be open to new and expansion-making experiences. Doesn’t need to be grand. You can start with going back to old hobbies, adding new skillsets to those you already have, read books that you normally wouldn’t read, stuff like that. Or expand your current knowledge on what you already know.

You can also start from scratch, learn something new, or try out something that scares the heck out of you, like learning trigonometry or advanced calculus, or learning the mechanisms of cell-signalling cascades lolol not kidding there though. Meet new people in classes, events, or just try participating in online forums as a noob. Watch a movie that you didn’t wanna watch and never did because of all the bad reviews, but this time with an open mind and heart.

Or do someting cathartic, like CLEANING. Clean your house, clean your inboxes, clean your friends list, your phone contacts, and don’t forget to clean your mind of the subconscious garbage, because seriously that’s a lot more hard work than unfriending a bunch of people lolol but I am serious here. People uinderestimate the energizing effects of cleaning, because it literally removes energetic cords, it clears the energetic field (yours) and I have to tell you that as a person who just moved into a new place, seriously cleaning is both an annoying and a rewarding experience. It can help you assess your values in life, what matters most to you, and what makes you happy. Even before Marie Kondo started her stuff, I was already doing this since college. That was almost a lifetime ago. Dang I feel old, and fabulous lol.

But then you might ask, “WHy am I doing this, exactly?”

So you can learn what you like and don’t like. What gives you joy and what  doesn’t. What makes you happy and what makes you feel effed up. Not that it gives a more solid self-identity, but rather it allows you to be fluid, and gives you a chance to be on both sides of the fence. So that you can give better opinions and suggestions. But at the same time also empathetic to the ideas of people on the other side of the fence. You can even be a better friend or lover or companion who can spread your joy and love, especially since Generators have the type of aura that is welcoming and energizing to others (my Projector friend told me so, she feels great after we had our gabfest and after I give her card readings. lolol shameless self-promo). Comprising roughly 70% something of the world’s population, if all of the generators consistently do their best in knowing who they truly are, miracles can happen, and there would be less annoyance and frustration, and more satisfaction in  our daily lives. In turn, we get to channel more high vibrational energies to everyone else on the planet. As a Generator like you (I’m actually a Manifesting Generator, still same more or less), this is our gift: to share others our enduring strength by energizing ourselves as well as the people around us. Which is why seriously, now is the best time to be open on both sides because in the midst of all the current (and probably will only escalate more) chaos, you only need your inner guide, your personal compass, and knowing that you are confident with your choices because YOU had the actual experience only makes you even more powerful, because you can truly speak from the heart. Not everyone can do that, because the other people who are scared to take this leap just stay on one side for their entire lives. You’re born to be better and stronger than that, so just do it. (Or not, just trust your gut. We are gut peeps lolol no really, that’s part of our design) Also, based on your design (a defined aka solid sacral center, the square under the diamond shape) you have more than the usual capacity to endure, and to allow things to happen for you based on your gut instincts. Even when the going gets tough.

Additional important note: As Generators (the workforce of the world lol but yeah really), because our sacral centers are defined aka solid (especially when combined with a defined solar plexus center aka a yellow triangle at the right side of the square) this means that we innately have a strong sense of self: who we are and what we want, or don’t want. Or we don’t easily get influenced, even if we were conditioned to be. Thus, our power lies in knowing who we are, and knowing who we are gives us consistency, reliability, and ultimately satisfaction in our choices and decisions. That is how we generate our power, by following our gut feelings and following through till we complete our task or goal. After finishing it beautifully as expected (of us lol), it gives us a wonderful sense of completion, and it makes us feel great about ourselves. We trust ourselves better. And this is a form of self-mastery that can really give you peace. However, self-doubt, not following through, or not asserting ourselves takes away our precious power, which leaves us drained, exhausted, burnt-out, angry and frustrated, well, basically stuff that leads to depression and not to mention a really weak physique, and we really need to have a strong body for all of our motor centers aka the stuff that helps make things happen) to be at tip-top shape. This whole shite happened to me way back because I just kept myself getting trampled even though I was already unhappy with my work and how I was being treated, all for the sake of getting some cash. I basically gave my power and self-worth away, and I ended up with a really horrible (now a somewhat chronic) back pain (I am currently having this condition as I type this now. It popped up due to my need to release anger, see previous Thought log lol) and even deeper depression. While it may take us a bit shorter time to recover compared to other types, it still sucks that we have to stay in recovery, and in a whole lot of pain. So preventing burnout by doing what we love (that’s where we get even more  energies to do a whole truckload of work) and attaining a strong sense of self-satisfaction and self-love is really what we need to push ourselves towards self-improvement and to attain a more fulfilling and magical life.

Basically, KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. That’s exactly my point.

2. Learning who the self is, indirectly

*Check your chart if you’re a Manifestor, a Projector, or a Reflector, this is for you. Sorry if the stuff won’t be as rich as the previous one since I have more experiences as a Generator, Also I based these on some Projectors I know lol haven’t met an actual Manifestor or Reflector they’re like around 9% and 1% of the population respectively, so if you’re either, please don’t hesitate to say HI. But if you’re a Generator, especially a Manifesting Generator, feel free to read lol*

So if you happen to read the entire segment on Generators, and you’re not one, I’ll give you a pat on the back (or hugs if you want), that was a lot of stuff to read. And it isn’t even for you. But ironically, if you happened to read it, then you just did some learning about yourself INDIRECTLY. TA-DAH!

But I am not making a bamboozle here. What I said was something that many people actually base or formulate their own opinions with. By interacting with others, they learn more about themselves by hearing many perspectives, churning them into their own brand of butter, and eventually formulating something out of it. Unless you’re a Manifestor, you just say the word and people make your butter lolol yeah really.

But seriously, for people with this method of learning about the self based on outside sources is even better and more effective than trying to figure out things on their own. Having the opinion or experiences of others (most-likely a Generator because there’s more of us lolol the power of Statistics) is a better option in learning (i.e. you watch what experts do instead of doing all of the available options out there by yourself) than trying out what works because having to do stuff through a process of trial and error can actually put an energetic strain on these three types. While Generators can do all of that trial and error thingy because of their scarily solid willpower and their strong energy centers aka the sacral center, because this is not defined aka clear and white as a ghost for Manifestors, Projectors and Reflector types, it means that whatever energies you already had will be readily depleted, and recovery can take a long time, even when you feel like you exerted only a little effort. Trust me when I say that what you did was more than enough if you felt like you just wanna lay down and sleep for the entire day, or week.  

If you’re wondering how I had in idea on why this is so, well...

I don’t know about the other two types since I don’t personally know of any Manifestor or Reflector, but I guess having a Projector younger brother who gets exhausted playing games if he tries to figure stuff on his own and a Projector friend who gets easily drained after getting duped by other people to become a sounding board and later regrets it before ending up in a daze really helps me better understand open sacral center types a bit better. I just compare them to myself in similar situations, and assessing what happens to them after I give them a piece of my mind or whatever. For my brother, aside from watching video tutorials or reading GameFaqs (lol) based on whether I watched him play or not, just chatting with him while he slays demons, monsters, or whatever he’s playing at the moment sorta extends his play time by about 30mins at least compared to when I don’t appear around him to watch. He’s probably unaware though lolol BUt my Projector friend who is also one of my Soul Sisters and is quite familiar with Human Design (because I pushed her to get an overiew aka me explaining her chart to her and she actually realizing how legit the whole thing is lolol Manifesting Generator issues hahaha) actually tells me that each time we chat on the phone, she gets readily-grounded and energized, as well as having a better sense of herself after the call. I won’t exactly know if it’s because of me being a Generator who naturally does it, or because she gets free extended readings (lolol again, shameless self-promo here), or just the combination of getting her questions answered as well as getting her energetic fix. She just tells me that she feels depleted at the beginning of the call, after geting caught up and too-anxious on thinking what to do, why things happen, basically the mind starts running so fast But then she gets super-excited and revived during and before ending the call, because she receives clarity on what she needs to do, even if it makes no sense to me logically. And I weirdly after that can still go on and gab some more, I sometimes even do chores after that.

So what is the point of this segment about Projectors?

Well, it has two points:

Sometimes it is easier to walk the pavement than make it. Unless you’re a Manifestor who initiates things. But (then again, this just means that they’ll make the layout, the others will just do the manual labor) they can only do so much with their own power, and it would be a bit helpful for them to ask aid from other people like filling in the other “back-end” stuff that needs to be done aka follow through with the details. Being humble and telling people what you plan to do, how it can be done, and putting trust on other people that they will do it the best way they can with their power (because probably they’re Generators lol), can revitalize your energy and creative ideas. Same for Projectors, it is better to just create a plan, and assuming that people were already on board with your plan (because your abilities got recognized, your ideas didn’t get rejected and you felt great) to manage people who can do it through delegation and division of labor (they’re probably Generators because again, statistics lolol honestly I wanna be a Manifestor but nope), and just rest. Sorry, I can’t say much about Reflectors though, but I believe that they need a long time to ruminate things and decide, or else they’ll end up being disappointed with their choices and feeling even more disempowered.

Learning about other people’s opinions, knowledge and experiences can be rewarding  because you not only learn about your own needs in a deeper sense through sifting and distilling of the information carefully, but also by having an idea on what makes the people around you tick. This can help you become really good at catching on their current states, which can improve your communication and rapport with them. It also makes them more receptive of you, especially if you’re a Manifestor because let’s face it, you can be quite intimidating and seem angry all the time (or so they say). It also saves the Projector a lot of disappointment due to rejection because they gain a better sense of not pushing their output into the faces of the people and instead waiting for the right chance aka getting recognized and invited by others to share their stuff. Trust me, a lot of people just wanna share their own unsolicited opinions and advices and while some can take the heat when rejected, others just cannot and it is hard for them to let go, to the point that they think it is a personal attack. Hint: it’s not.

In Conclusion: There is no right or wrong way to know more about your true self. 

Any method can actually work for any type, just as long as you don’t feel threatened, compromised, or be under so much stress. Just remember to work with what you’re designed with: Generators can do the trial-and-error thingy, and Manifestors, Projectors and Reflectors can go for other people for their input and other kinds of information sharing so that a consensus can be reached aka you'll get to know better if something is for you or not based on whether you like it or not.  Also, you don’t have to rush things (ahem, GENERATORS, AHEM), sometimes going with the flow is just as important as paddling, sometimes it’s even better and gives more magical results.

I hope this super long-post helped you in any way. I did whatever I can within my knowledge and intuition so that this post can be made. If even just one person helps this make their lives better, then this is all worth it.

Thank you very much for reading. Any comment, suggestions, even just a short reply are most welcome. If it helped you in any way, I would love to hear about it.

Be well always, and may you find the healing you seek.

With love and hugs from Source above,

三日月 🌙

Mikazuki

PS. If you found the information in this post to be very helpful, insightful, and of great value to you and your own personal journey, please feel free to reblog, share and heart/like, or if you feel super-generous, energetic exchanges are welcomed! Please click here and use this email address: may_chan_otaku@yahoo.com

Thank you so much and be blessed!

[lotsofdogs]

Sadie’s Birthday Weekend

This crazy furry lady turned ELEVEN years old on Sunday!

I cannot believe Sadie has been in our lives through our engagement, marriage, multiple moves, children and all of the highs and lows in between. She’s a wiggly source of energetic joy in our lives every day and we tried our best to make her feel extra loved on her special day!

But let’s back up a bit to recap the weekend in chronological order!

Friday

Is it just me or does it seem like everyone in the world is watching “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo” on Netflix and cleaning and organizing their homes? I read The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, Marie Kondo’s hugely popular book years ago, and watched one episode of the Netflix show (is she not just the most delightful person!?) and while I wasn’t inspired to go on a tremendous cleaning spree in our house, I did spend a little time on Friday night going through my clothes. I used her “Does this spark joy?” mentality to figure out which clothes to get rid of which I admittedly found very helpful.

Simply asking myself whether a particular piece of clothing sparks joy and makes me happy somehow allows me to get rid of clothing I’ve had in my closet for years without as much struggle as when I just go through my clothes with a passing glance. I ended up with a small pile of  clothing to donate and hope to go through the boys’ clothes soon, too.

Aside from a bit of cleaning, our Friday night was a good one! I made homemade mac and cheese for dinner and we had a dance party with Chase after Ryder went to bed that cracked us up. Chase was all about showing us his “pittie move” which was basically him jumping and dancing around in circles scratching his armpits. Life with a three-year-old is never dull, that’s for sure.

Saturday

Saturday morning Ryan and I were both up a little after 5 a.m. when Ryder’s Owlet sock went off (thankfully not the red notification, but the yellow one notifying a lack of signal reading) and neither of our minds would shut off after that so we headed downstairs. I read way too late into the night again (I finished Educated by Tara Westover and would highly recommend it!), so I kicked off the day with a much-needed cup of coffee and my devotional before I spent some time meal planning.

Once the boy were up, we decided to spend the morning at Latta Plantation for a nature walk despite the dreary weather. We wanted to do something outside so Sadie could join us and even though it was cold and drizzly, the tree coverage at the nature preserve kept us dry.

We brought Chase’s bug net and magnifying glass along on the walk and he was in heaven.

I wore Ryder facing out in the ErgoBaby and we joked that he was pretending to hike along with us because he kept swinging his legs and seemed to be loving every second.

I hope our boys grow up loving the outdoors and nature as much as they seem to right now!

It took us a little more than an hour to cover 1.25 miles (Ryan wore his Fitbit) so we weren’t hiking at warp speed but we took our time and stopped a bunch to look at things like twisty sticks, big rocks, mud puddles and more. Saturday morning served as a wonderful reminder that kids don’t need much other than the outdoors to have a ball!

Before heading home, we swung by Chase’s best friend’s house so he could play with Claire for a bit while we chatted with our friends Lauren and Tony before it was time for lunch.

We let Chase skip his nap on Saturday (we usually at least encourage him to have quiet time in his room) and he was awfully excited for a rainy day afternoon movie with Mom and Dad while Ryder was napping. We watched Madagascar and I totally forgot how funny that movie is even for adults! Ryder took an extra long nap on Saturday and by the time he was up, we came up with a game plan to knock out our grocery shopping for the week and pick up pizza and cupcakes for dinner on the way home.

I stayed in the car with Ryder while Ryan and Chase popped into SweetCakes and grabbed an assortment of cupcakes and let’s just say we were all in a sugar coma by the end of the night.

Yum!

Sunday

Sunday morning began with extra love and hugs for the birthday girl! Ryan thought Sadie would love kicking her birthday off with a morning walk but our former Florida girl was not havin’ the cold temperatures and super-breezy gusts of wind. Instead we all eased into the day in our pajamas and played at home until it was time for church. We made it back home around 11 a.m., just in time for and early lunch where Ryder tried a combination of green beans, peas and apples.

It’s honestly blowing my mind to see how excited Ryder is about food! It’s just such a stark contrast to our experience feeding Chase as a baby (and even now because play is still 1,000 times more important to him than eating) but it’s been so fun to watch Ryder grab at the spoon and get all wiggly and enthusiastic when he knows food is coming his way. Please oh please let this last!

Ryder and Chase’s naps didn’t line up at all on Sunday so we spent the rest of our weekend close to home with the kids and Sadie. In the late afternoon, right after I settled Ryder in his crib for his afternoon nap, Ryan managed to get Sadie out on a walk with Chase and they packed up Chase’s Instax camera and photo album to take pictures on their walk to show me when they arrived home.

I used the quiet time I had at home while Ryder slept to prep some food for the week ahead and also got a jump start on this blog post before everyone was back home and it was time for Sadie’s annual birthday food challenge!

This year we decided to pit last year’s food challenge winner — breakfast sausage — against one of Sadie’s favorites: Chicken thighs! We make a lot of chicken thighs in our house and when Sadie is lucky enough to get a few bites of them from time to time she seems to go crazy for them so we figured it would be an interesting match up.

As always, we let her sniff the two plates of food before Ryan stood back with her and then released her to see which meat she’d go for first.

And the winner of Sadie’s birthday challenge this year is…

Chicken thighs!

Ryan and I were both shocked, to be honest! We thought sausage would win by a landslide but she was all about the chicken thighs. Maybe she could tell they were fresh off the grill!?

After Sadie’s birthday challenge, we all dug into chicken thighs and roasted sweet potatoes for dinner before calling it an early night. I started reading One Day in December on Saturday evening and am enjoying it so far. I was looking for a light and breezy read and it seems to fit the bill!

As far as plans for the week ahead, it will be a busy one with the kids because Chase doesn’t have school today or tomorrow. We have a play date on the agenda today and I’m hoping to make it to Burn Boot Camp and get some work done if the boys’ naps coordinate as well! I hope you all have a great Monday!

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