#so im already stressed cause that’s a lot
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I’m so so used to cramming and doing the bare minimum and still being fine and this boy is stressing me the fuck out
#I’m not working 80 hour weeks I’m just not#I barely even work 40 hour weeks because literally why should I???#if I can get all my work done faster than that?#but this man. keeps working 80 hour weeks and then going ‘on I’m done with the study guide let’s review’#and I’m not fucking done because I have two lesson plans I’m working on and three classes im trying to certify in in a matter of like 3 week#and I’ve only ever done once a month before#so im already stressed cause that’s a lot#literally why is he such a tryhard#who is he trying to impress#ughhhh#and my work bestie is telling me to slow down and just ignore him#idk I know I Could be doing more#not 80 hour weeks lmfao cause I don’t live to work#but I def slack off more than 50% of the time#because the other 50% I’m going way too hard#slightly less than 50%#I just can’t go full throttle all the time#and I think that’s valid of me#I hate men#I don’t even hate people who are smarter than me#like I can admit when someone is smarter or knows more#and I’m happy to give credit where credit is due#but he is NOT smarter and does NOT know more#he’s just a bootlicker ughhhhhhh#ok. I’m going to clean a bit. do some work. go in for an hour or two to help someone out. and then go party#and that’s fine.#and I might take Leah’s advice and not work this weekend
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i need people to start paying me for every time they tell me "oh but ur arts so good ur wasting ur talent u need to do it professionally" wrong i need to do art to draw beautiful characters that not a single other person cares about while feeding every ounce of love i have into my work or to convey thoughts & feelings beyond words and to even think of doing otherwise is to deny my own nature "oh but u can do what u want and then sell it" why is everything about money to you why cant u just enjoy things at what point in ur life did u forget how to have fun
#i hate that this stance is also seen as childish#like i have a full time job & often have mandatory overtime i have income already#if u need to to make ends meet then thats different do what u can to help urself live as comfortably as possible#but holy fuck pleasure as an adult is not limited to sex & money & watching tv#besides u know not a single one of the people who say this are willing to actually pay what the arts worth#its like 'well not me but other people would love it!' yeah okay u know a lot of other people are going to see the#over $100 price tag and go 'i like it but not that much! other people however' like just shut up. honestly. be quiet.#if i speed ran my art and low balled myself to a $15/hour rate the lowest would still be like $120#which is not worth it AT ALL bc i just paid MORE to sit on my ass & look at eggs#and. again. is underselling myself for both experience & time. but people think $80 full body comms are too expensive#do u think im so stupid to not expect to get scammed when even 'easy' things are over $100#but no ur right why would i have fun with something when i could instead cause myself infinite stress over it perfect thanks#do not give me advice about doing comms i do not want to do comms#if u see me doing comms im in a very dire situation. like thats a last resort for me.
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ngl i think i kind of was a genius for being like 'yeah this character is a scary killyou cannibal scary killer who scary kills you' and then realizing that the way my worldbuilding works out is that there's a nonzero chance that if you leave literally any body parts over they can just come back, depending on what they believe in their heart of hearts can kill them. Of course she'd start eating her kills. She probably tried normal stuff first and then realized it didn't work and she had to try harder if she wanted to actually keep them dead.
#red rambles#im working on a character who i made up years and years ago and wasnt even happy with then because he didnt seem to have enough like#interior thoughts he was just like a guy who killed people when he was stressed and his life was constantly stressful and then he killed on#person too many and they were like 'this is fucking untenable and he has to die' and then they killed him#which is soooooooooo absolutely nothing honestly. Like it works as a barebones summary but i want to stress there was actually straight up#nothing else there. the entire rest of his whole whatnot was just being entangled with Haven who is a different character who at the time#ALSO felt unsatisfyingly lacking in interiority but at lesat he had really complex motivations and action flowcharts. that werent just 'i#get grumpy and i just go kill some random person with no regard for what the consequences will be and then i am so mean and i kill you'#now theres a lot more happening. i really didnt. like.#okay so i had a Backstory worked out but it was vague because i didnt know what the fuck he WANTEDDDDDDD right like. i had no motivations a#literally all except 'oohhh i kill people ooohhh i like killing people ooohhh im erratic i kill people' and the background i HAD was like.#Upper class scion of some rich family whose family honest to god just did not like him very much and also [gestures vaguely] i guess he#maybe kicked dogs or something and then he ??nebulous timeline meets haven and then kills his sister or kills his sister and very quickly#thereafter meets haven but i usually lean toward the former because haven LOVES convincing people to kill their whole families its like#cathartic for him because he would love to kill his entire family but physically cannot do it. but like kind of the implications of this#as far as i was concerned given this is set in the mid 1800s was like. ehhh he's getting away with this because he's rich white and male an#it pays to turn a blind eye to his indiscretions or w/e. a genderswap means that she'd be subject to a lot more scrutiny on basis of like#misogyny. LOL. and i already had the preexisting 'hates half sibling' (i genderswapped the sister into a brother because why not) and 'hate#parents' and 'parents strongly dislike her' and 'unsettling' and it worked nicely to start giving me actual fucking. Literally anything to#work with there. because it means that by going off with Haven she walks out of one situation where she has like 0 agency into another one#and like to be clear i respect anyone who is sitting around in haven's general vicinity for snapping and just starting to kill people. me t#but this works. SOOOOOOOOOO much better for real#im still working the kinks out but like also this means that she wins. she wins like multiple times actually. she comes closer to killing#haven than anyone since he learned what fucking species he was and causes him more trouble in the interest of getting the FUCK out of there#than anyone else has and then she fucking gets what she was going for against literally every effort haven could've made over ~five decades#get owned loser.#every time i draw her i cant help it i write some shit like PLEASE JUST GET DIVORCED on it even though i wrote the fucking narrative i know#it will never fucking happen and thats why she does all this shit instead#in another world she'd be like the wildly capable owner of Raytheon 2 or some other shit like that. like she'd never be a nice or good#person but she wouldn't be dead. god she could be in charge of a country or some shit. Alas. Please get divorced.
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It's my last day in Ireland already 🥹
#misc#it's always so short#didn't have time to do everything I wanted 😭😭😭😭#also this time had a shit night#first I had the stupid idea to drink lot of coffee yesterday#so i was hot and anxious instead of sleeping#also i was already stressing for the trip to the airport#and there was a big ass wind storm that kept me awake#apparently this did not bother everyone cause i heard some people were outside at that time????#and tonight i ain't gonna sleep#cause my bus is at like around 4am#which mean i will wake up at 2#so yeah#is it really worth it to go to sleep at all???#im gonna enjoy the last day#plus i also need to buy my mom a gift#not to worry i still have one week of holidays#i should be able to go to pays basque at least one day next week
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Outsourcing academic decisions to tumblr dot com
Further context for each course:
"Weird Fiction" is an English course that will have me reading and annotating tons of short stories. Reading reviews + syllabus online has led me to believe that the prof is strict as hell and not very generous. However if I do ok on the midterm I get to write a short story instead of a final exam. Online synchronous.
"Religon and the body" is a new religion course which is about. Well. Religion and the body, whether that's death rituals, food purity codes, sexuality, etc. Reviews of the prof seem to say she's flexible but the course has also never been taught before so who knows if the content and evaluation format will work for me. Online asynchronous.
#i would LOVE to do the short story stuff if it didnt seem so fucking stressful lol#religion and the body was lowkey my favorite part of my fun religion course last fall#but if the class ends up sucking im gonna be there like.... damn..... i could be reading + writing short stories rn#theyre both online which is fine cause all my other courses are in person that term so it's already lots#asynchronous online is kinda fun cause i just pick a time to sit in the hums lounge and do them#synchronous has more structure#its really a toss up#trying to see if the cool theythem in my program wants to take one or the other with me#my shit
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#i wish ppl wouldn’t buy me things and expect me to pay them back without like. telling me or asking me first. like ik she said she isnt lik#worried about when i can pay it back but /i/ am#i hate owing ppl money it stresses me out more than anything else#its why im constantly stressed about paying off my car#even tho I KNOW that i will be able to finish paying it off in time before the cut off#but. its still really stressful and i hate it a lot#cause then its all i can think about till its done#like if someone gets me a gift thats awesome n cool#but if you get me something because they might run out before i can get it and you expect me to pay you back#please like#ask first? before doing it? so i can plan on that kinda thing#or say no if i feel like i need to#even if its not stressful for YOU its stressful for ME#im happy to have what they got me and its not that expensive to repay#but i really didn’t want that pang of stress right now when im already dealing w stuff#little stressors are still stressors and they add up yk#i just. needed to vent where they wouldn’t see cause i dont like venting abut ppl where they can see it i think its rude#so obviously obligatory this is about no one on this platform even a little bit#delete later
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I'm starting to see ppl talk abt updating their artfight pages and at first I was like what why it's still months away and then it hit me that by months it was two months and now I'm just silently sweating as my anual side project to remake the eternal gales refs and give them all icons comes back to haunt me
#rat rambles#oc posting#well I mean the good news is that all the staliens are already done and Ive already started on the human kids#the bad news is that theres still 5 more refs for me to remake and 9 icons if I decide to commit to that#the only one Ill probably force myself to do is sprinkles since shes the only stalien that doesnt have one and I dont want to leave her out#the human kids might just not get them tho especially since theres other characters Id like to make refs and icons for too#not as many newbies to the field this year which is a good thing since I do not have a lot of space left for new characters lol#Im probably going to take it easy this year in terms of my goals for artfight since last year I crashed and burned Hard#hopefully Ill have the time and motivation to draw a decent amount but if I dont Ill try not to be too broken up about it#especially since Ill probably burn myself out a bit doing the last minute ref rush lol#its not necessary especially since all the guys who needed the new refs most got theirs but Id like for them to be on the same page#I also went ahead and cleaned up my page a lil bit to make my life easier in the future#I should probably update bios and stuff but I dont feel like it Im too tired#tomorrow Im definitely going to need to clean some more as I have been for nearly every day#I mean guess thats why Im here in part#last week of pet sitting tho so soon Ill be back home again#Im not sure if Im excited or dreading it cause while I miss my family I also have been rly enjoying a house to myself#like its not necessary easy to do all the chores and stuff but it's a lot easier to do said chores when Im alone#and Ive actually been waking up at reasonable times too like not having my mom floating around is doing wonders#its almost making me rethink my insistence that I couldnt live alone but I definitely think itd get to me in the long term I need people#I just wish there was a better middleground since having people constantly in the house stresses me out so bad#it leads to me hiding out all day in my room and that's just not good for me#but its not like I could live by myself even if I wanted to#at this rate I dont think Ill ever move out but lets not think abt how much worse that could be for me thats future me's problem
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Might experiment and buy an e filer to really clean up and smooth out the first gunpla kit I built cause my sanding by hand suuuuckss
#this kit has a lot of like flaws from the runner itself#like some pieces i didnt even cut and the stress marks were already present#so if i can learn to control the speed and pressure on an e filer i wanna see if i can clean this up reaall nice#that and learn to use a craft knife without stabbing myself LMAO lasmkslkdkdls#im truly terrible with sharp objects#i wanna learn to paint cause i love the purple of this kit too#and i kind of want to make my darilbalde cherry red instead of BRIGHT primary res#*red whatever
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i hate the binge model actually. its one thing for me to sit down and, of my own volition, watch 8 hours worth of television on my day off but having shows drop half or whole seasons in a single day and then being expected to have watched them in their entirety in that first 24 hours if you dont want to be spoiled everywhere you look is just insane
#more personal rant in the tags#so i have 2 jobs and one of them is writing like i dont get paid much but i do get paid#but it comes with this expectation that i am watching EVERYTHING the moment it comes out#qnd i can keep up with a lot#but like wheel of time just started s2 qnd they dropped 3 hour long episodes the first day#and babe i just dk not have the time to watch all 3 on top of the many other shows im already keeping up with#i watched all of heartstopper s2 in a day qnd couldnt even enjoy it cause it felt like qn obligation#obviously it being work influences how i engage w it but ive had a TON of fun writing about shows that didnt stress me out#idk im just tired i liked the breathing room and the hype that came with weekly releases if they wanna be cable 2.0 anyway#might as well bring back some of the good stuff and not just the shit#shut up em
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switch to history major yes/no
#cons: spent money on bio stuff already so thats a waste -_- uhm sunk cost fallacy. uhm idk ill teach hs history or work in#an office i just cannot do stem im sorry i was made to write non-research essays and present stuff. sigh#evil stem students etc like. whatever im stressed its week four. i should kms#just like. i love bio but only the bio classws not like physics and chem and calc etc. i have to take ochem in a year or so. idk what#dipoles are or how to read a lewis chart#so like im passionate abt the subject but only the surface level stuff yknow now mechanisms beyond that. genetics was hell evil course#and i dont want an environmental science degree cause then youre locked into mostly consulting or gis stuff which#no way. augh let me teach hs historyand then get a phd in some hyper specifically field and then get some tenor job in fourty years idk#like i do think history is an easy subject literature too. to me like the same way i never needed to study ecology cause#you dont actually learn anything yiu just know facts and concepts not like equations. like fake learning.#augh whateverrr i will simply rot i dont think id be able to finish this degree between working and taking more than 12 hours a semester#like. its a lot -_- i feel bad complanjng cause my dad graduated taking twenty hours and working over full time 😭 but also#it was like thr 90s so not much else to do if#ig*.#el oh el whateverrrr ill figure it iut mwah. for rn i gotta finish my chem hw then shower
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2023 year in review
previous years
#art review#year in review#2023 art summary#2023 art#art meme#my art#yaaa....this whole year ive been kinda dreading putting together this comp cause i feel like i havent been putting out much this year#but. i have been#its jst that i deemed 2023 would be my 'year of big projects' so i had a lot of Very Good Very Intricate Posts all within one month#[mermay designs plus making my own tail from scratch in may; lvweek+artfight in july; designing 3 outfits+7 fancy lined charas in oct]#then in the months between those i. did not have energy or time to do Impressive Art bc i was working on the Big Projects so theyde be read#i have a few Big Projects for 2024 planned but theyre in feb [good chunk finished already] and may [already working on it] so im hoping to#aybe Chill the rest of the year and specifically Have More Fun w it#cause the Stress of having to put out art 4 times a month and 1 vid a month#while also Secretly Working On Big Projects To Post All At Once hasnt been. the most enjoyable workflow fhdbghdf#oh well i like how the piece i Just Did tonight looks lineless from a distance did a new technique of Shading Over Lineart&i like it
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BRO im so upset i had an annoying end to christmas eve and wanted to calm down by baking some cookies and the fuse tripped as the first batch was in the oven and now the oven is displaying some sort of error and we need it for a large family lunch/dinner tomorrow and so now i have a broken oven and no fucking cookies
#personal#bro im so annoyed#but everybody who i could rant to is asleep#so you get to witness this instead#fuck i want those cookies#they were looking good#i put the second batch in the fridge and maybe we'll ask nearby family or neighbours to help out idk#like i already baked cookies for christmas eve and theyre good and i liked them but i wanted more cookies and its perfect#cause lots of people are coming over tomorrow and they'd eat them!! they'd like them even!#stress baking is good actually if you know what to do with the food#i am#so done#ahrghh#ok time to go to sleep#thank you <3#and goodnight#octarine talks#*octarine complains
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therapy was interesting she kinda just out of nowhere asks if i like writing and i was hesitantly like….yes……and she got all excited she was like you should really pursue that. i think that’d be great for you. and i was like thank you but why are you saying this. i don’t remember exactly what she said cause i think i blacked out a little but basically said im very well spoken and deliberate with my word choice and she said she’d have been very surprised if i said i don’t write at all
#im trying to remember what exactly she was saying but my brain kind of short circuited#i was like oooo im being praised i think this is great -w- and barely processed what she was saying#i told her a little bit about all the work i’ve already done on some of my projects and she seemed genuinely impressed ..#but maybe she was just being nice..but then she yells at me when i say things like that#so i guess i’m going to choose to believe she was being genuine because she’d yell at me for thinking otherwise#she’s really encouraging me to continue writing and i’m stressed ;-;#she asked why i don’t consider pursuing it more seriously someday and i was like well#i just don’t think it’s realistic#she asked why and i kinda just.#well laurie i don’t actually know i just feel it in my bones i suppose#she went >:(#i told her a little bit about the kind of stuff i like to write and she got all sad cause i enjoy writing horror stuff#she’s like aw :( i’ll never be able to read any of your stuff i get scared so easily :(#that made me actually laugh for real#maybe this comes as a surprise to some of u i talk abt it sometimes but i do actually write short stories a lot#i just have literally never shared them with another living soul cause i’m fairly certain they’re SHIT. but i do it#i stay silly !!!!#sigh…#id like to have told her more about my bigger projects but whenever ppl do try and ask abt it#i just freeze up like oh it’s silly..it’s just something i do as a hobby irs nothing serious don’t mind me…#😖#i like writing but i don’t like talking about my writing#anywaysss#snow.txt
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productive morning thank goodness. big deal medical appointment soon. midterm tomorrow morning.
#many things happening all at once !!!!#with this appointment i really don't know what i will be told and any answer is kind of a big life changer for me#either i have something going on and i have to deal w that or i don't and i have no clue what's causing my issues so im at square one again#and then i know that i will have to make some decisions soon and every option is kinda scary but i am grateful to be getting help finally#idk why my last doctor could not do any of these things and left me floundering for years telling me its all stress#maybe I wouldn't have been so stressed if you could have given me some fucking answers#i already feel a lot better stress wise bc my new doctor listens to me and gives me the referrals tests and informed options#val speaks
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#so like. i up until i guess thid past year.... i had like just 3 friends for awhile. met in high school#and like you know how time goes on and ppl outgrow each other n fights happen. all that? so all that had happened already#we used to be a group of like 10+. down to like. the 4 of us#and so like. the drama has been like 0 to minimal especially since the last break off right#so now i have these friends i met in college. a bunch of em. and so the drama is just...... dear lord#and like its just two of them that cause it honestly. everyone else is fine#but i have to see them both tomorrow and i think im stressed about it JDJDJJDJDJDJDN#like headache levels#and like in the past id be like... ya im not going#but like. ive grown up n realized that like..... ok even so??? theres a whole lot of other ppl i wanna see thatll be there#one in particular but lets not get into that JDNDNDNDJNDND#but ya... im stressed 😭😭😭#maybe i'll just focus on Him but also thats like NFJDJDJD I SAID I WASNT GONNA TALK ABOUT IT UGH#theyre like. keeping a secret from him n they told me not to tell him n i feel so ???? uncomfortable. like hes my friend.... i thought he#was ya'lls too ????? idk my heart HURTS RNRJKFKFKFKKDJD#i hate leaving ppl out of stuff its just. ugh. and like. these ppl arent mature so like i bet someone will say something and he'll find out#n i just !@@@@@ i care about him IDK. IDK. HHHHHHH#personal#im gonna read my book n like. leave the world temporarily JDJDJNDNF
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i need complete this side quest (exam) so i can get back to my primary mission (videogames)
#this is so bad. dgs brainrot#me when i neglect my class on politics as a prelaw student to play lawyer game…… stupid stupid stupid#i guess it could be worse#like. im learning#seriously#also i already studied a lot. too much even. now im working on a Chinese philosophy paper#i cannot remember anything from the lectures because the professor is so funny but he’s also…… eccentric so it stresses me out a little#because he randomly calls on you or says something WACK#like today he called on a guy to read from one of zhuang zi’s writings#and since he started abruptly it jumped a little and the professor was like [my name] is satisfied with this performance!!! read it again#it’s like in a silly way. he doesnt mean to hurt anyone#but obviously i felt so fucking bad i hope that guy either has no idea what my name is. but it’s kinda late for that cause i waved at him#LIKE NO I SWEAR ITS NOT THAT#so the either was i hope he saw me trying to apologize#but i dont think he did. thankfully the class knows how this prof is and that im not a terrible person#anyway#that class is hilarious but stressful#same Professor that used the DOOR as a whiteboard when he ran out of space on the board btw#so i never remember anything i rely on my notes#but i take amazing notes. so we are good#just lazy…….#ahhhhhhhhh#university#update lol even the wording of this. unintentional. video game language……
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