#but I def slack off more than 50% of the time

[look-at-the-stars-tonight]

I’m so so used to cramming and doing the bare minimum and still being fine and this boy is stressing me the fuck out

[forgottencillian]

OOC | Cillian & Cassimir

cillian does NOT like cassimir! tbh, by and large this is probs more unfortunate for cillian than it is for cassimir, since he literally works for him, but cillian is def sure to make cassimir's life as inconvenient as he possibly can! he wants his fire lit before bed? it'll be before cillian's bed! he'll come in and wake him up by being as loud and intrusive as humanly possible to make a fire at 3am!! he wants a hot beverage? he's getting a cold one! he wants his horse ready to ride by 3pm? his horse is out to pasture at 2:50 so it absolutely will NOT be ready by then!

honestly he plays dumb abt most of this stuff bc there's no way he's getting fired bc he needs to eat and also bc frankly there's no way in hell he's abandoning the malconaires in their predicament! cillian's also really strong and he knows where everything is etc and, of the ppl that've been loyal enough to stick around, he's probs the most able bodied while still knowing how things are done etc etc etc but i do think cillian probs over calculates how important this is to the stepfam mostly bc valentina UNDER values this since she literally has never gotten her hands dirty and has no idea what it takes to run an estate like that etc hahaha so yeah!! i think his job security is probs a lil more tenuous than he ~acts like it is hahaha

that all being said, he ~is a really hard worker but that's 100% out of loyalty to the ladies and their parents bc he knows its important to them and he cares a lot for them all <3 and i def think he's picked up a lot of the slack as valentina has let ppl go etc! bc he aint gonna let them overwork the ladies

but yeah he despises cassimir and valentina and would love to chase them out if he could hahaha he has also 100% suggested to the resistance that they kidnap them...not bc this would do any bad for the varmonts but on principle hahaha but for some reason they've never gone for it ;D cillian also can def be roped into pranking cassimir at absolutely any time but mostly he's more likely to thwart them in some more immediate way like 'misunderstanding' their directions or even talking back if his sense of justice is directly thwarted by smth they're doing etc so!! its a mixed bag!

i do think he knows when he's on esp thin ice tho and tries to play nice so he doesn't lose his position but i do think after valentina tried to sell off one of the older servants to take care of her debts, he was esp feisty which is probs what led to the incident between these two, and i do think cillian's been playing a bit nicer lately if that was recent (while also doing things in the bg that won't be traced so easily back to him like cutting a teeeeeny hole in the ceiling directly above cassimir's pillow, so next time it rains he'll get wet) hahaha so yeah!! cillian is NOT a fan <3

[malbecmusings]

Bwahahaha

Years ago, we were anchored at Cape Lookout with friends for the weekend. Except for a narrow, 25'-ish deep pocket off the eastern hook, depth across the bight is less than two feet. A shallow shelf extends a few feet into the water before BOOM, a straight drop to the bottom.

It was middle/late Saturday afternoon. We had been on the beach and in and on the water all day. We were toast. So, we went back to the boat to kick start happy hour and chill under the awning. I had gone below with a couple of friends to make drinks and get nibbles ready when someone hollered down the companionway, "hey, we're moving".

We had been anchored bow-to-the-beach for the past 18-ish hours. I expected to see us swinging at anchor since I didn't have a stern anchor out, but not dragging. Topside though, when I looked forward, surprise, we were def slowly dragging away from the beach. WTF? I started the engine to drive forward to take tension off the chain to lift the anchor and reset it. Except, no sir. No can do. The windlass pulled about 6' of chain up (out of IDK 50-ish that was out) and then stopped. Full on stopped.

Troubleshooting. The windlass was getting power, so was the motor failing? The clutch? Or were we hung on something, and if hung, on what!? Holding position with the engine I let out more chain. Motor/clutch is good, so I tried to bring the chain up again, and again it stopped lifting. When it stopped that time we, on top of 29 tons of boat, were pulled hard to port, dragging us parallel to the beach. Ok, fuck me. We've caught, what? A whale? That would be beyond wild. A shark? That's more likely but, really? How big is that MF'er? These aren't Bahamian waters, so you can't see beyond a foot on a good day. I'll process that we caught something big enough to drag us later but, for now, how the hell do I get it off the chain?

The only thing I could think to do was to let out as much chain as possible to give it enough room and slack to get untangled. Worst case? I'd dump the entire chain and anchor? We had a spare anchor and rode and, at 25', I could recover what we might have to cut loose. That's assuming Moby didn't drag it out into the Atlantic, but damn, that was going to be a drastic option. What followed was two plus hours of letting out every stitch of chain and slowly raising it before whatever started puling us again. A group of good 'ol boys in a big CC headed to the lighthouse dock radioed to see if we were ok (really to see if we were drunk) because they watched us swing around like a kid had discovered the thruster control. When they figured out we weren't drunk, they were kind enough to try and help.

At one point when the engine and bow thruster wasn't enough to keep us from what was looking like a possible grounding, we tied off to their stern so they could drag us back to deeper water. Back in the pocket, they kept us in position while we tried raising and lowering the chain again and again. I don't remember how many tries later, but we were finally able to fully raise it. We and whatever had been tangled in the chain were free. The boat that helped us thought it was a shark, but other old salts I told the story to later said we had likely snared a huge ray. I had never (or since) seen one off the SC or NC coast big enough to believe it could move 29t of boat and a set anchor, but 🤷🏻‍♂️who tf knows?

We eventually repositioned and carried on with a delayed happy hour and the rest of the weekend. Did the experience keep us out of the water? Nope, we were back in the next morning, but we were slightly more aware we weren't alone. haha Oh, to be that young, dumb, and full of... ahem... again. So yea, beware of those 20,000 leagues in the middle of the vast Pacific, but also be aware of what lurks 300 yards off the beach in 25' of water ��

It is important to know the difference between "the sea" and "the ocean"

The Sea:

Infinite horizons. Endless possibilities. The quiet of a calm day. The rage of a storm. Booty and adventure. Yarr.

The Ocean:

20,000 leagues of fuck the hell no thank you. Too many goddamn jellyfish. Horrors beyond our comprehension. See also: the void (wet)

[layniapetrovnaaa]

We need to talk. 

Tw: talks of like DA/DV and just like that stuff?

Hello to everyone reading this! This message is mainly for those of you who have requested kinkmas fics from me and/or follow me for fanfiction. 

First, I want to start off with apologizing for how late all of these fics are. I know how annoying it is to be waiting for a fic for a long time, so I do want you all to know that I am genuinely sorry about this long wait. I do want to try to write some of the fics that have been requested. Unfortunately, I just can't tell you when or even if it will happen at all. l'm also a big fat liar and was pretending to have a grown up blog when I was in fact a minor. Now actually being 20 I see how that can definitely be a big no for people so I genuinely do want to say I’m sorry for that. Not okay.

Second, I want to explain to you all why I haven't kept up with writing. I know I don't have to, people change and grow and I def bit off more than I could chew at the time. Buttt i have anxiety and love over sharing ;)

Im gonna be blunt: I’ve had a relatively easy life (my memory is shot) Always did well in school, never went to bed hungry, that sort of thing.When I was a kid the worst experiences I can recall are when my parents divorced (I was 4 years old and hardly remember any of it) and when my house flooded in 2011 ( and all of MY things were fine). But the last few years mannn I lowkey feel like my life is falling apart a little bit. My mental heath is a all over the place. I don’t currently have health insurance so meds and therapy are out of the question. I’m also paying for my own college! Two years since I graduated high school and I’m starting community college this fall. To pay for that I’ve been working two jobs over 50 hours a week. At that time I was also in a long distance relationship. Writing fanfics was farrrr from my mind. In the past few months my relationship ended and I cut back to one job and less hrs. This is not to say I’ll be writing again anytime soon but I’m getting the itch now that I’m single and have more free time lmao.

During the time I stopped writing as well, My stepdad-- who had been in my life for over 15 years -- walked out on my mom after being all the abusives towards her for god knows how long. He did some crazyyy shit but yk that’s what meth does lmfao. We literally had an order of protection for a year it was the wildest thing that’s happened to me. Thank fucking god he’s gone but I felt terrible like my mom was going through ittt.

I just wanted to let you all know that I’m not just being lazy and slacking off on writing. 

I adore you, and thank you so much for all the new followers!! 🖤

[poke-reviews]

Poke-Reviews Returns!

Cramorant #845

Height: 2’ 7”        Weight: 39.7lbs

Type: Water/Flying

               Behold! The first Pokémon to be reviewed under this rebooted era of Poke-Reviews! And also the first Pokémon reviewed from the new Sword and Shield Pokémon games! I do love a two-for-one deal.

               Quick aside for anyone who doesn’t know my style for reviewing Pokémon. I generally give fun facts about the Pokémon and my feelings on them. Then I move into discussing their Stats, Move list, and Abilities. All of these come together to inform you if a Pokémon is worth raising or if using it is a waste of time. (If you like a Pokémon reviewed negatively that’s fine).

               Anyway, Cramorant was first introduced in one of the many, many trailers that preceded Pokémon Sword and Shield. And I fell in love instantly. Something about its derpy face, color pallet, and slightly Dodo bird inspired design won my heart over to this goof.

               Now Water/Flying isn’t a unique typing for Pokémon in the slightest. It has two weaknesses (Rock and Electric) but, unfortunately, they are both very common types to run into. In addition, this bird has a quad weakness to electric types and will go down faster than the Arrokunda these things like to eat.

               Stat-Wise: HP 70 Atk 85   Def 55   Sp.Atk 85   Sp.Def 95 Speed 85

               For those of you just joining me, here is how I rank a Pokémon’s stats. First off, these stats are based off a Pokémon’s Base Stat total which is how a Pokémon would look like without factoring in specialized breeding, training, natures, and IV’s. Base Stat totals run between 1 and 255.

               How I rank a Pokémon’s worth based off these stats go as follows: 1-50 are bad. 51-80 are average. 81-100 are good. And 101-255 are the best. Keep in mind, very few Pokémon even make it to 255.

               With that said, Cramorant is a very well rounded, but barely above average according to my scale. Many competitive players might ignore this bird in favor of other Water/Flying types like Gyrados, Mantine, and…Swanna, but I happen to like these stats.

               The even Atk and Sp. Atk stats means you can pick and choose how you raise this bird whether you want a brawler or ranged fighter. The Sp. Def being…honestly a surprisingly high stats. Its gives Cramorant more versatility for switch ins to possibly tank a Sp.Atk from your opponent.

               Speed is technically above average but there are tons of Pokémon who naturally out speed my blue bird. While playing the campaign of Pokémon Shield, there were plenty of fights where Cramorant was four levels higher than his opponent, but they were still running circles around him. I did give my bird a Choice Scarf (an item that drastically increases your Pokémon’s speed), but that also runs the problem that whoever uses a Choice Scarf is stuck with only one move until you switch or they faint.

               Like I said, these stats may be to spread out for most hardcore competitive people. I admittedly don’t know much about competitive play, but from what little I do know, most players Pokémon choices seem to depend on having two really high stats as opposed the four above average stats this one has.

               But, I prefer a Pokémon with a lot of options to use than having one with only one use and Cramorant fits that bill to the T.

               Move-Wise:

               While there isn’t as much variety in this ones moves, Cramorant still has a number of moves that can be used to make it an effective fighter.

               It has access to the three move combination of Stockpile, Swallow, and Spit up. Stockpile can be used three times in a row, raising ones Def and Sp.Def each time. From there you can either keep that Pokémon as a tank or use the other two moves. Spit-Up hurls all the stored power at the opponent and does damage equal to the number of Stockpiles done while Swallow heals the user for how many Stockpiles done. These moves are all normal type, by the way, and can be powerful, but you don’t get the same type attack bonus from it.

               The rest of the moves Cramorant learns naturally are the likes of Thrash, Dive, Drill Peck, and Hydro Pump. All of these are just flat out damage dealers which wouldn’t be a problem, but they focus more on making a physical attacker when Cramorant’s stats can support a special attack style as well.

               The TMs and TRs pick up this specific slack with a lot more options to turn Cramorant into a special attacker. Moves like Surf, Air Slash, Hurricane, Ice Beam, and Icy Wind. There are also more physical moves that can give birdy boy a slight edge over its weaknesses like Substitute to block Electric attacks and Steel Wing to damage Rock types.

               Ability-Wise: Gulp Missile

               Cramorant only has one ability but believe me, it is a bit of a doozy. First off, Gulp Missile can only be activated after using the moves Dive or Surf which can be a problem. While these are good moves, if you are anything like me, you try to have moves that cover a lot of types of Pokémon your opponent could be using and maybe you want the strongest water attacks to get the most out of Cramorant. But you have to use these two moves if you want the ability which could be limiting.

               I do think it’s worth it though. See, after using one of these moves Cramorant enters one of two forms depending on its health.

               Gulping Form becomes active if Cramorant has more than half its health. A fish gets caught in the bird’s mouth. Gorging form is active if you have less than half of this Pokémon’s total health and the fish is replaced with a Pikachu. A very confused Pikachu who doesn’t try to escape its fate.

               Once in these forms, Cramorant hangs onto its poor victim until the opponent hits it with an attack. Upon taking damage, Cramorant immediately shoots the Pokémon caught in its throat and dealing damage to the opponent equal to ¼ of the opponent’s total health.

               This alone can force your opponent to make a hasty decision unless they are that far ahead of you. Perhaps their Pokémon is low health, they beat your bird, but it shoots its load and takes the opponent with it.

               In case the opponent’s Pokémon doesn’t fall, two things can happen. In Gulping Form, the fish that is shot out lowers the opponents Defense making them more susceptible to attacks and in Gorging Form the Pikachu that is shot paralyzes the opponent which not only means there is a 25% chance that they can’t attack, but it also slows down the opposing Pokémon.

                 All in all, there are worse choices you can pick for your team. I think with a combination of Gulp Missile and the uncertainty of how you will fight would be enough to make your opponent second guess themselves and even if they don’t it will still be a fun ride for you.

[marystudies]

A LONG ASS LIST OF TIPS FOR HIGH SCHOOL: FRESHMAN TO SENIOR YEAR LETS GO

Disclaimer: This is just from my experience, so these might not all apply to you! 

Freshman Year

ok, ok, freshman year can be scary but don’t let that get to you

dont worry about upperclassmen being rude/teasing you 

it’ll most likely happen, but I’ve never seen an upperclassman tease a freshman with the intention to really hurt them

one day you’ll be them so dw

on the topic of upperclassmen, make some older friends!!! (through classes, sports, etc.) it’s so nice to have someone give you tips and help you through high school

dont expect your friend group to stay the same lol

BUT ITS A GOOD THING I PROMISE YOU

I was scared of changing my friend group, so even though I wasn’t being treated too well, it wasn’t until senior year when I really made a change and I wish I did it earlier

be open to meeting new people, everyone is scared just like you and looking for more friends

I don’t think its neccessary for freshman to become sUPER involved in clubs and all that but at least get a feel for whats out there

try out for a sport if you play one!

this goes for all of high school, not just freshman year, but I regret not being as involved as I could’ve been 

Go to school events like football games and dances! School spirit is considered weird in middle school but its cool in high school

take your classes seriously, your teachers are right - high school is much harder than middle school (but it’s not too bad if you stay organized!)

my freshman year GPA was my lowest like english really caught me off guard (properly formatted, 5 paragraph essays being 50% of your grade??? a concept.)

so my cumulative GPA was brought down

I think most freshman don’t have access to AP classes to boost your GPA or anything, but if you’re looking to push yourself take an honors class or 2! (if available)

Sophomore Year

wooohooo ur no longer a freshman

I’d take at least 1 AP class if you can

my sophomore year I took AP Human Geo - which I really loved, and it also wasn’t too hard

a lot of sophomores take AP World which is a BITCH of a class

BUT I wouldn’t recommend taking Honors World because you don’t get the GPA boost, you don’t get college credits (unless you take the AP Euro test or something), and it’s almost just as hard 

this is a bit random - but when you’re taking Algebra 2 (which was my sophomore year) PLS PAY ATTENTION math builds on itself don’t fuck yourself over

take the PSAT if you want (I honestly don’t remember if I took it freshman year too but eh), but seriously its not required

start thinking about college (I know it’s the last thing you want to do)

just little things like

when do I want to take the SAT/ACT?

would I like a small school or a big school?

What will I be able to put on my college applications?

like if you do community service through a club/church/etc then great!!! sports? YEs

can’t think of anything? Join a club! Try out for a sport (it’s not too late) Find something that interests you

you’re probably pretty situated socially now but never be afraid to get to know those classmates/”school friends” better! 

Junior Year

so junior year is commonly thought of as the hardest year of highschool

which is partially true (we’ll get there later)

but anyways, seriously buckle your seatbelt and get ready to work your ass off because THIS YEAR COUNTS, LADIES AND GENTS

Take AP classes if available

I took AP Psych (WOULD HIGHLY RECOMMEND) and Honors PreCalc (coming from regular Algebra 2)

Psych gave me college credit and a GPA boost

HPC gave me a GPA boost for UCs 

It was a bitCH of a class but it made AP calc a breeze 

If you haven’t started already, start prepping for SAT/ACT and then take them

tutoring is very helpful, but it can be expensive

I’ve seen studyblrs post about free prep through Kahn Academy and other stuff, so you might have to do a bit of digging but there are tons of resources out there

TAKE PRACTICE TESTS

take one of each first - then focus on the test you did better on 

one of my biggest regrets is taking SAT prep instead of ACT prep because my ACT (which I didn’t do specialized prep for) ended up equivalent to my SAT (which I did prep for)

the more you take em the better you get

Studyblr is gr8 for finding test taking tips

If you’re not happy with your score, just take it again! I only took each one once but most people improve their scores if they take it again

I recommend visiting a few universities when you’re on break! Get a feel for what you like and what you don’t like (size, location, public/private, etc) and what kind of school you could get accepted to

you don’t want to end up applying to a billion schools that you wouldn’t even want to go to

private schools like it when you express interest by visiting

so if you’re visiting, make sure you check in so you can be in their system 

END OF JUNIOR YEAR - ASK FOR LETTERS OF REC NOW! BY THE FIRST WEEK OF SENIOR YEAR A LOT OF TEACHERS ARE ALREADY TAKING ON TOO MANY LETTERS!

Senior Year (buckle up this section is the longest)

but YAY UR A SENIOR 

DO FUN SENIOR YEAR THINGS like my school has all kinds of events for seniors and it’s so great 

Remember when I said junior year is the hardest? Yeah well no... 1st semester senior year is SO MUCH WORSE ur in for a lot of fun

Ok seriously - don’t let senioritis get to you first semester

Still take challenging classes! Schools are looking for progression in difficulty

Those mid year transcripts REALLY DO MATTER! 

College apps, man

Make sure you’re communicating with your counselor to make sure you have everything ready and on track 

like file the FAFSA and CSS (used for lots of privates)

tbh I didn’t think it would help me a lot but it (the CSS) actually did so just do it even if you think you’ll get nothing

Ok so hopefully at this point you have a feel for what schools you are interested in

Things to consider: location, price, size, public/private, difficulty of the application, ranking, program/major you are applying to, campus, overall vibe

I didn’t do any interviews but maybe look into it

Don’t get too comfortable and set reasonable goals - apply to several safety schools, a few good options/could go either way schools, but also a few “reaches”

ESSAYS

I’m no college counselor, but don’t just wing your essays without having an adult/professional look over them

I got lucky - my mom is a professional writer so my family didn’t pay for a counselor

Do your research - you can find so much information about what schools are looking for in essays

If an essay is “optional” DO IT it’s really not optional lol

Keep in mind - these essays are nothing like what you’ve been taught. You don’t have to (and often SHOULDNT) write a 5 paragraph essay with topic sentences relating back to the thesis and evidence, etc. its much more free

think “What is the story I am going to tell?”

get creative - this is hard and takes some time

Think: How am I going to separate myself from thousands of applicants? What is a story that ONLY I can tell?

DO EARLY ACTION FOR AS MANY SCHOOLS AS POSSIBLE!!! 

such a relief to knowing you got in somewhere in like,,,, november

acceptance rates are higher for EA 

the order from highest to lowest is ED > EA > RD

Early Decision scares me (schools will say they give equal scholarship consideration but lol thats a lie) 

but if you have your heart set on a school go ahead

apply to other school just in case, you don’t want to get stuck starting all your apps when a lot of students have already turned them all in

Now that you’re done with applications (whew), the acceptances (and rejection) will start coming!! yay!

ok first for acceptances

those first acceptances are so cool like YAY YOU GOT INTO COLLEGE IM PROUD OF U

as soon as you get your first acceptances really start researching the school more and deciding if you’d REALLY want to go there or not

i know this is hard bc you haven't heard back from all your schools but it’ll make choosing a school so much easier

sadly, not all acceptances are happy tho

like I got accepted to my #1 school but they gave me no money so it was impossible to go

I was so emo for a couple days there

BUT! If you’re serious about it, try appealing for financial aid but keep your expectations low

ok now waitlists

these can be a bit nerve wracking

PLEASE apply for the waitlist right away

at some schools if you dont within a couple days, your application might get thrown out

aaaaand rejections

i dont have a lot to say about this but please dont be too hard on yourself

sometimes its just not meant to be and thats ok!

NOW PICKING A COLLEGE

def the most difficult and mentally draining part for me lol

make sure you really map out everything to consider

net cost (tuition, room & board, books, travel, personal expenses, etc.), size, location, etc.

I personally had this idea that I’d end up at a big school far from home but I’m going to a small school close to home and I’m still super excited!!! So make sure you give every school a second look 

APPLY FOR SCHOLARSHIPS!

the essays aren’t usually too bad and sometimes you can just rework your college app essays

you can find them online, your school might have some (like PTA scholarships, band scholarships, etc.)

ok this is the time everyone really gets senioritis

i almost didn’t get senioritis at all lol just because slacking off stressed me out

but please be smart about it dont get rescinded 

and lastly have fun! high school really does fly by, it’ll be over before you know it

[rizzizzsins-blog]

From the Ashes, Ch 8

Wanna read this on Archive? Click here.

 The shopping trip was a success. Asher rediscovered his love of cyberpunk, and he looked like an extra out of      Akira    . After he and Cinn had lunch at the food court, much to Edge’s dismay, everyone piled into Edge’s Jaguar, and they were off.

 “You both have such nice cars,” Asher marveled a bit.

 “Don’t compare my brother’s hunk of junk to my marvel of nature!” Edge frowned a little.

 “Listen ‘ere, that Pontiac took me an entire year to restore. I’d like to see ya try it,” Cinn smirked.

 “That’s not fair! You know I’m not a tinkerer like you!” Edge protested.

 “Then quit throwin’ shade at my baby. She’s perfect the way she is, save fer a little dust from this one,” he nudged Asher with his elbow.

 “Oh, sorry,” Asher apologized; Cinn shook his head. “I’m just jokin’, princey. It’ll be alright. ‘S a memory, that’s for sure.”

 A memory, huh…

 “This may be a bit of a drive, so feel free to fall asleep,” Edge remarked, adjusting his mirrors a bit before driving off.

 “You got it, bro.”

 “I’m not talking to you! I need your help with the directions! The place doesn’t appear on my map apps, since it’s technically a closed business.”

 “Yeah, alright. Make a left, then stay on 64 for about 10 miles.”

 Asher slowly sunk into the Jaguar’s leather seats. He hadn’t realized how tired he was. The shopping trip had left him completely drained.

     Asher was in the community garden; the sun was slowly coming up. Dew dotted all of the leaves, and the tulips were lazily opening, one petal at a time.  

     It was around the time to harvest the dandelions. Apparently humans treated them as pest plants, but they were quite a good food source, so his glen grew them. It was best to pick half while they were flowering and half afterwards.  

     As he reached out to them, they shrank away. Asher moved his hand closer, and the plants leaned further away. Frustrated, he reached out and snagged an apple off a tree. As he was about to put it in his mouth, he felt something wet and sticky in his palm.  

     The apple was decomposing rapidly in his hand, until it melted into a viscous, black sludge. Asher turned to see where he’d walked; the grass was dead in every area where he’d stepped.  

     “Samara! You’re ruining everything!” His mother shouted, her hands in her hair.  

     “Mom! I’m sorry! I----” The rot spread faster and faster, crawling up his mother’s roots.  

     “You ruin everything, Samara. Everything.” Her flesh rots, and her teeth fall out one by one.  

 Asher screamed himself awake.

 “JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!” Edge pulled over hard, turning off the ignition. “WHAT’S HAPPENING?” His eyelights glowed intensely, and the magic of battle brewed in the air.

 “I’m sorry, mom… sorry….” Asher mumbled. He was awake. It was over.

 “I shoulda fuckin’ warned him about the nightmares, Boss. It was my fault.”

 “No, I could have done so as well.”

 Asher shook his head. “Don’t worry… I can’t remember the last good dream I had. They’ve just never been that bad.”

 “Yeah… our dad never talks about his. Makes sense, though, since he doesn’t fuckin’ talk about anythin’.”

 “Hmph, it is frustrating. I can tell that it’s bothering him. He has the same microexpressions as I do when I’m upset. But he just shoves it all down and acts like an asshole. That’s going to blow up in his face some day.. I hope I’m not around for that,” Edge sighed.

 “So… we almost there? Sorry for scaring you.”

 Edge restarted the car, and they were off. They were pretty out of the city; the interstate was mottled with wildflowers and tall grass. Large houses with acres of property made up most of the landscape.

 “Yes, just one more turn off this exit and it’s the first place on the left.” They rounded the hill next to the exit and…

 Jesus Christ. The house was an absolute horrorshow. It looked like the kind of place that a church would run a haunted house in to raise money for charity. How it hadn’t been condemned or demolished was beyond Asher. The shutters were slowly sliding off their windows. Some windows were missing panes altogether, covered by plywood instead. The parking lot was full of luxury cars and retrofitted antique vehicles.

 “This is… a little worse than I expected, Edge.”

 “I know it looks a bit haunted on the outside, but that’s simply because they don’t feel like fixing it. The inside is a lot nicer,” The captain assured him as they pulled into the lot.

 He checked his phone. Goddamn it, a whole bunch of them had dipped out of lunch. Including Vanilla.

 Fuming, Edge smiled at Asher. “Excuse me for one moment, Asher.”

 “Easy, bro.”

 “NO! THEY SAID THEY WERE COMING! WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE TAKING RESPONSIBILITY?”

 Edge basically slammed his fingers into the keypad as he dialed someone Asher didn’t know.

 “VANILLA! WHAT THE FUCK GIVES?!”

 “What can I say? Not interested.” Looks like Edge hit the speaker button in his hurry.

 “YOU COULD APOLOGIZE!”

 “I’m not the one doing something wrong. You’re introducing some decomposing rando into a house of already half-functional skeletons. And now the queen wants to throw in that psycho? Count me the fuck out.”

 “WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THAT PSYCHO.” Edge’s eyelights went out.

 “Oh, you haven’t heard? He just got released from prison, and that’s what Fafriel wants to do with him. You should probably make peace with your old man before he’s wiped off the face of the earth.”

 “RIGHT. AS IF YOUR FATHER IS GOING TO LEAVE HIS HOME JUST BECAUSE OF TWO NEW PEOPLE. NOT EVERYONE THROWS IN THE TOWEL WHENEVER THEY FACE ANY LEVEL OF DIFFICULTY, SANS.”

 The line went quiet.

 “If I have to drag my dad out of that building by force, I will. I’m not losin’ him after just getting him back.”

 “OH, YOU’RE GONNA DRAG HIM OUT? HE’LL JUST TELEPORT BACK. OUR FATHERS ARE EVEN BETTER AT TAKING ON CHALLENGES THAN YOU ARE AT RUNNING AWAY FROM THEM. GOOD DAY, SANS,” Edge hung up with a wicked grin.

 “Who was that?” Asher asked, wrinkling his nose.

 “Vanilla. Cinn’s Tale Kingdom counterpart. We’ve both been on the Surface for the same amount of time and he hasn’t evolved or matured one bit in that time. I for one, am proud of all the progress my brother has made. Vanilla and Honey just seem to go backwards, frankly. I feel sorry for Papaya and Azure.”

 “There’s no need to feel sorry for me, Edge! Sans is just going through a rough patch!” A skeleton in a suit jacket, leather elbow patches and plaid orange dress pants put his hand on Edge’s shoulder.

 “NYAAAGH! DON’T DO THAT, PAPY!”

 “See? You don’t like it when you’re talked about      behind your back    , do you?” the other chuckled. “Don’t worry! I would have dragged Sans by the ear here if I had to. Brother, come out of the car!”

 A dark blue-eyed skeleton skulked out of his brother’s Ferrari.

 “Coming.”

 “Hello, little dryad! My name is Papaya Aster, Esquire. It is truly an honor to meet you!” He seemed so excited he could barely contain himself, pulling out a fidget spinner to burn off the extra energy.

 “Go on, Papaya. It doesn’t hurt to ask,” Edge clapped him on the back.

 “A-ARE YOU A HUGGER? E-excuse me, I tend to be a little too clingy sometimes!” Papaya smiled apologetically.

 “Oh? Sure. Haven’t been hugged too often, but I like trying new things, hahaha.”

 Papaya scooped Asher up and spun him around, before setting him down carefully, making sure he landed properly.

 “Jeez. Can’t say I’ve ever been hugged with quite so much enthusiasm. Thank you, Papaya.”

 “It’s no issue! If you’re ever wanting a hug, I am always ready to give!”

 “Yeah, and that’s just the issue,” his brother muttered. That must be Vanilla.

 “Nice to meet you,” Asher smiled, offering a hand.

 Vanilla takes it. The others seemed to have expected something to happen, since they were all cringing. But nothing happened.

 “Nilla’s the name. I’m one of your landlords, I guess.”

 “Right,” Asher swallowed.

 “Is anyone else planning on showing up?” Edge sighed, pinching his nasal bridge.

 “I believe Azure is coming in. Honey’s… a little impaired at the moment.”

 “You can say      drunk    , Papy,” Edge spat.

 “I don’t want to make a bad impression!” Papyrus responded. They weren’t upset, not with each other, at least.

 “Considering the unpleasantness that was the phone call with your brother, I think that we can drop all pretenses.”

 A car braked hard in the parking lot. A pair of heels stuck out of the door, as well as… a riding crop?

 “ESPRESSO! CORTADO! GET OUT OF THE CAR, THE TENANT IS ALREADY HERE!” He shouted, a curt rasp in his voice.Two thumbs up popped out of the windows, before two long, yellow eyed skeletons stepped out of the car. The one yelling stepped out last, needing assistance from one of his brothers to get down from their enormous Lexus GX.

 The smaller seemed to be in charge, the other two trailing behind him. One of them was hunched as he walked, his hoodie dipping just a little over his eyes. Headphones sat squarely on his shoulders. The other was much dressed like his brother, walking straight, in a rather futuristic black trench.

 “ESPRESSO! PICK UP THE SLACK! WE ONLY HAVE A LIMITED AMOUNT OF TIME TO ASSESS THE TENANT BEFORE YOUR THERAPY SESSION!”

 The hunched one nodded, running a little to catch up with his brothers.

 The two militant ones squinted at Asher hard.

 “CORTADO. HIS STATS.”

 Wait, Asher’s stats?! What the hell did they need those for? Were they about to fight him or something?

 “Illegible. Nothing but VOID-garbled gibberish, Captain.”

 “THEN GIVE ME AN ESTIMATE!”

 “Uh… do I need to do something here?” Asher asked Edge.

 “No. This is just… their routine. Riesling, do you intend on wasting all of lunch staring at our tenant, or will you introduce yourself like a normal person?”

 “THIS IS PERFECTLY NORMAL! CORTADO, I GROW IMPATIENT.”

 “DEF 50. ATK 30. HP 30/30. Soul of Justice.”

 “PATHETIC! A COMPLETE AND UTTER WEAKLING! GOOD. YOU ARE OF NO THREAT TO OUR FATHER AND MAY PROCEED.”

 “Al...right?” Asher wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or insulted. Maybe a little bit of both. He wasn’t a complete weakling, right?

 “WE MUST WAIT FOR THE LONE COMMANDER, AS WELL AS OUR COUSIN AND HIS PATHETIC EXCUSE OF A COMPANY,” Riesling sighed.

 “You know Scamp and Sliv are always late. Let’s just go inside and get this over with,” Nilla sighed deeper. Cinn gritted his teeth.

 “You’se guys go on ahead. I’m gonna need a moment.”

 “Fine,” Edge nodded. “Asher, would you mind staying for a moment with my brother? I would like to make sure our fathers aren’t doing anything abnormally dangerous, and set up a bit, before you enter.”

 “Alright, sounds good.”

 Everyone except Cinn and Asher went into the house. The door practically screeched whenever it was open and shut.

 Cinn pulled out a cigar and sat on the hood of the Jaguar. “Y’ want one?”

 “I can’t smoke. It’s really bad for plants. Even though I’m more rot than plant, I still don’t want to risk it,” Asher declined.

 “Suit yaself.” He snapped his fingers and the tip of the cigar lit up. So he knew a little fire magic…

 “.... So that was… a lot. Are you all related? Or what’s the story?”

 “We’re all counterparts. It gets kinda messy. Our names started out as nicknames, but eventually we had ‘em all legally changed. Got sick of gettin’ ‘calls for Sans and Papyrus’. How was we supposed to know which pair people wanted?!” He chuckled a bit.

 “But, yeah… I’m sorry yer havin’ to go through all this. I’d hoped this would be a little easier than you livin’ on yer own, but all I’ve done is complicate the shit outta your life. This one’s on me, princey.”

 Asher shook his head.

 “You know, it’s at least been different. I got so used to my routines with Theo that I kind of forgot what life was like outside of that. Sure, not everything’s fun, and certainly not Vanilla, but it’s been different, and in that sense, refreshing. It helps me keep my mind off… this,” he smiled, gesturing to his broken body.

 “Yeah. That’s what velcro shoes an’ jackets are for. Ya look right outta Blade Runner.”

 Asher’s smile grew a little bigger. “I have mixed feelings about that film, but the aesthetic is top notch.”

 “Yeah…” Cinn drew in a big puff, before blowing it out in the shape of a heart. “Hehehe, I still got it.”

 “Can you blow it out your eyes?” Asher had to ask.

 “Hell no! Shit burns like a motherfucker. Who showed ya that?” Cinn shuddered.

 “Me. Nyeh heh, didn’t mean to set the bar too high for ya, shorty,” Scamp popped in and noogied Cinn mid inhale, giving him a coughing fit and stealing his cigar.

 “You sack of fuckin’ shit, you planned that!” Cinn growled. Asher could kind of tell they were playing around.

 “Brother. Please. We arrived with a duty, and we must perform it.”

 “DON’T TREAT IT LIKE A DUTY, TREAT IT LIKE AN ADVENTURE! WE GET TO MEET A NEW FRIEND! HOPEFULLY CRIMSON WON’T INSULT THEM SO MUCH THAT THEY LEAVE CRYING THIS TIME!” It was odd. The two voices sounded like they were from the same person, yet one of them was heavy and flat, and the other was bouncing off the walls. Eventually, Asher was able to see the two skeletons talking. They had showed up in a sporty motorbike and sidecar, removing their helmets before coming to say hello.

 “Nyeh heh, you Blue’s      side    piece now?” Scamp joked with the quieter one. The two motorcyclists looked almost inverted. The quieter one with muted purple eyelights robotically shook Asher’s hand, before the bright-eyed one grabbed Asher’s other hand and shook it vigorously.

 “HELLO! I DON’T BELIEVE WE’VE MET! MY NAME IS AZURE ASTER, AND THIS IS MY FRIEND, SLIVOVITZ ASTER!”

 “Yeah, here’s my big bro. Well, big metaphorically.”

 “Hardee har har. Because I’m short. Very original, brother,” Slivovitz sighed. “I would at least like to supervise Edge making the food, even if he will no longer let me assist.”

 “MAYBE IF WE’RE LUCKY WE CAN SNEAK MAKING A FEW SIDE DISHES. COME ON, SLIV!” Azure grabbed Sliv’s hand and basically Naruto ran to the door.

 “Well, princey, whatcha see is whatcha get. You still wanna go in that house?” Cinn checked. “Y’ can say no. I’d fuckin’ say no.”

 Asher shook his head. “I’m ready. I want to give this a try.”

 Without realizing it, Asher took Cinn’s hand, and they walked inside. It was lunchtime.

[benbarnesescape]

Rules - Part 2

Billy Russo Prompt Challenge for @deerprongs    

Prompt #41 “Sorry for calling so late - I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

Prompt #50 “Wait, don’t pull away - I want to hug you for awhile longer.”

Prompt #53 Ouch, I bit my lip… kiss it better?”

Warnings: Language, Angst, Violence, 18+ Sexual content. Basically a story you’d have to show your ID to preview

A/N: Okay guys – I’m deeply invested in this particular story of Billy and Reader. I’ve heard your concerns and perhaps I’ve led you down the road of a happy ending. Or not. Who knows. This is taking a different spin but will provide you all with all the angst, fluff and sex the first one had. I hope you enjoy – this was def. a fun one to write!

 Special thanks to @caitlyn-blackwell for betaing this

Tag List: @ rockintensse @missphanosaur18 s @ninjathrowingstork  @charlieimaginesstuff  @ benbarnesfanforever @ladyblablabla @deerprongs  @ugh-my-back @padfootagain  @aylinnmaslow  @ marauderskeeper @caitlyn-blackwell  @princessderavenclaw @starlesskyox

You hurried down the busy streets of New York, tugging your jacket closer to you as you maneuvered around pedestrians. You had to ignore the way the wind was beating against your face, making it feel like jagged ice was slapping against your tender cheeks. Ignore the deep throbbing in your right shoulder as you turned into an alleyway, needing a second to regain your footing as you leaned against a brick wall.

“You.”

The foreign words hit your ear, Ukrainian you were sure this time, and you sighed as you looked to your left at the large man who had been tailing you since you’d left work that evening.

“Are we really going to continue with this dance?” you ask back, the language hitting his ears and he looks at you unyielding. No smiling, no flinching. The sun was setting, the rose and orange rays hitting the large glass tower across the street from you, causing a temporary blinding light to shield you from the people who passed by you both, scrambling to get home. You push yourself off the wall begrudgingly, the sound of the subway taking over your senses and he lunges toward you.

Whoever he was, he was a professional. He hits your right shoulder, the place where his bullet had missed your heart and grazed meaty flesh instead causing you pain and you groan, falling to the ground as he punches you. Your head is swimming, your senses being overcrowded with the strong smell of urine and trash, the loud sound of the subway ringing in your ear. You fall on one of your knees, giving you the opportunity to dig into your boot and grab the army knife you always kept on you, waiting as he moves closer to you, pulling a gun out of his jacket pocket.

“You should have kept your eyes closed bitch.” He says – final words – and you will yourself to lunge up, taking him off guard as you grab his arm, flipping the knife in your hands with finesse before shoving it into his chest. Coming into perfect contact with his heart and he looks at you, eyes glazed as he watches you in confusion, stumbling backwards back to the brick wall. You allow gravity to do its work as he slumps down, the sound of the subway subsiding, the sun continuing its journey away from the Manhattan island.

You look around, noting the traffic camera to your right and you groan, taking in the coordinates of the street before ambling toward the man, your adrenaline slowly dissipating as the heavy throbbing in your shoulder begins anew.

His eyes are locked open as he looks at you, his breathing labored as death hasn’t taken over for him yet and you can tell by the strained, fearful look he’s trying to hold on to you. Onto life.

“You should have stayed in the Ukraine and let me do my job.” You sigh, pulling the knife out of him and he groans as you dig through his body.

You find the gun he’s used on you, bullets, a knife, his wallet. You pull it out, going through his driver’s license, a few credit cards, some bills and then a black card. The embossed lettering stands out against the stiff, hard paper and your eyes tighten around it.

“Why does an American contractor need files on a Ukrainian assassination?” you question, more to yourself than to him.

His breathing is wheezing, the little light that was left in his eyes starting to fade and you stand up, groaning in pain and coughing. You needed to get to a safehouse, needed to report back to your contact, erase the security cameras and take care of this bullet wound.

Then you needed to see an old friend.

You stand outside the large, brick building taking in the size of the warehouse. Apparently, he had been busy. When you had last been back at Anvil, he had a decent space that had accommodated his 20 or so employees. He had been proud when he had taken you on a tour, Curtis on your left and Bryon on your right.

It felt like a lifetime ago.

Now as you walked in, your stiletto’s clicking against the cement tile as you walked to the reception desk, you were overwhelmed by the expansive space. Overwhelmed by the people training with discipline alongside trainers, the faint sound of gun shots echoing from some deeper part of the warehouse.

He had been busy. Successful. Achieved his dream of effectively building an in-network consultation for war vets. If this had been any other occasion, you would have even brought a congratulatory bottle of whiskey, one of his favorites, to applaud him for his success.

Except it was his card, his business in the man’s wallet that had tried to kill you and essentially tried to steal from the private agency you worked for. You feel the ice envelop around your heart at why that could be.

“Can I help you?”

The large man manning the desk looks up from his clipboard, taking in the way your pencil skirt hugs your curves, the way your designer V-neck teases your cleavage. You’ve brought two coffees and you place them carefully on the counter as you smile at him, throwing your hair back a bit.

“I’m here to see Billy Russo. Is he available to meet briefly?”

“Did you have an appointment with him….?” He’s looking over your shoulder, probably for someone who would know and you blink your doe eyes at him as you shake your head.

“No, no, no…. Billy and I…. we’re old friends and I’m back in town and wanted to surprise him. Made him his coffee the way he likes it…. can you help me out with that?”

He bites his lip, nodding before grabbing his walkie talkie and speaking into it lowly. You fall back on your heels, drumming your hands on the desk as you take in the space. Despite the openness of the area it screamed high security. Limited exits, high ceilings and electronic doors.

Curtis always said that outside of Frank Castle and himself, Billy was the best.

“Can I get your name?” The man’s voice cuts you off and you turn and smile at him.

“Y/N.” you say as you dig your hands in your pea coat, walking back to the counter.

He repeats the name into the receiver and smiles at you, ushering you off to the side.

“He’ll be here soon. Would you like anything. Water? Coffee?”

You lift your coffee cup, shaking it and smiling.

“Brought coffee. Remember?”

He nods, flustered as he goes back to looking down at your clipboard and you grab the coffees from the counter.

“Well I’ll be damned,” it’s a voice you weren’t expecting as you turn around and you smile at Curtis as he walks toward you slowly. “When Billy said that some girl was claiming to be you, I laughed. Said you took some job in Paris and haven’t heard from you since. Had to make sure myself that some women hadn’t stolen your identity.”

You smile at your old, longtime friend as he wraps his arms around you, enveloping in him and you feel that sense of comfort that only Curtis could provide. Safety. Happiness. Home. Doesn’t even matter that he’s squeezing your fresh wound, causing you to flinch as you pull away.

“Don’t be so melodramatic. I send you checks every month to go toward your group with a detailed letter updating you on my whereabouts. We literally talk every other week. Just like old times when you were the one leaving me to save the world.”

You point at his chest and he laughs, loud and rumbustious.

“True. But none of them mentioned you’d be back in New York.”

You nod, taking a sip of coffee as hair spills over your face.

“It was only going to be a quick trip. 24 hours to process some files and head back to Paris. But something happened with the exchange and I’m stuck here a little longer.”

“That better be it.” Curtis says as another voice nears, his voice low as he inches closer to the both of you.

You know its him. Know it because you can smell that cologne that always tangled your brain, made your thoughts go hazy. Knew it from the way his voice, rich and deep, resonated against your ears. That same voice that made you squeeze your legs together like you had to now in order to contain yourself.

He looks up at you, those ebony eyes piercing into yours and you fight the urge to go slack, to ignore the way your heart desires to run towards him and apologize for being such an idiot those years back. Want to run your hands through his styled, rich hair while your lips teased his mouth open, tasting him as your legs wrapped around his lean waist. Wanted to kiss every inch of him, every scar, every imperfection on top of his perfection.

But his card had been on that dead man. He could have wanted you killed. And you couldn’t ignore that.

“Y/N.” he breathes your name out, surprised and shook and it makes your resolve waver. Just a bit. For as manipulative Billy could be, for as good as he was at feigning doe eye innocence like yourself, he couldn’t lie to you. Could hide it, but could never lie.

It’s what kept you in control of your emotions all those years. Because you couldn’t lie to him either.

“Hey Billy.” You smile and he’s at you in four long strides, hugging you in a way that’s different from Curtis. Its longing as his arms wrap around your waist, his chin resting on your shoulder and you return it, your face falling against his suit in natural ease.

Then he stiffens upon hearing Curtis clear his throat and pulls away, adjusting his suit jacket.

“What are you doing here? Heard you were in Paris.”

Back to business. The Billy you knew had grown up.

“Normally, typically I am. Had to come stateside for a quick trip when a wrench got thrown in some I’ll be here longer. I was in the neighborhood, figured I’d drop by and say hello. Bring you a coffee. See how you’ve been.”

You stick out the paper coffee cup and takes it from you, his fingers grazing against your own and electricity shoots through you both.

“Notice how she was going to see you before me.” Curtis mentions and you roll your eyes to look toward him, shaking your head.

“I was coming to see you next. Invite you both out to dinner to catch up. I just happened to be closer to Billy.”

“Uh huh.” Curtis is giving you a cheeky grin and you turn back to Billy who hasn’t stopped looking at you.

“What about it Billy? Down for dinner and drinks with me? Could be like old times.”

He smiles at you, digging his free hand in his pocket as he gives a slow nod.

“Uh huh. Yea, okay.”

“Good!” You walk toward the reception desk, asking the man for pen and paper before returning to him.

“Here’s my number. Text me and I’ll shoot you booth a group text on the time and place for dinner, yea?”

Your hands scribble out the digits to your phone number, sticking it in his hand before turning on your heel.

“Should probably head back to work. Look forward to seeing you both soon. Oh – and I don’t plan on going anywhere fancy so ditch the handsome suit, would ya Billy?”

His grin is cheeky as he watches you and you turn, biting your lip and cursing at yourself. This wasn’t going to be easy. Billy had become a man. He was patient. He was earnest. He was yours.

And you could tell by the way he was staring back at you, that he knew you were his.

“You guys fucked.” Curtis is sitting across from Billy, chuckling as he takes a swig of his beer and falls back in his booth seat. Billy tears his attention away from the door, trying to monitor when you will show up as he plays with the beer in his hands.

“What? No! That’s not even…. that’s not true. She’s married, remember.”

“That wouldn’t stop either of you. Y/N hates Bryon. Or hated. Last I heard, she asked for a separation. Wasn’t wearing a ring on that delicate little finger of hers which I’m sure you noticed too. Finally got the balls to know that you can’t love other people for the sake of other people. Maybe now you can get off this single guy, continue to fuck ‘em and drop ‘em and start something with her. If you won’t admit you’ve been fucking, I know you’ve had a thing for her since I introduced you both together”

Billy sighs, his jaw flexing before he takes a drink.

“It’s more complicated than that Curtis. She won’t be interested.”

“Why not?” Curtis asks and Billy shrugs.

“Don’t worry about it.” His eyes flash toward Curtis who raises his hands and nods.

“Fine. But she’s here. So whatever I’m not worrying about it, you better figure out.”

Billy jumps in his seat, turning around as you near their booth. You’re wearing thick leggings, tall brown boots and a loose-fitting sweater. Your leather jacket is open as you move down to hug Billy and he’s reminded again of why he’s become a cold lover to begin with.

You had broken him. Like a wild horse, you were the one who had crumbled his walls and then left him to fend for himself. Made him feel like a child, isolated and alone, like he was worth nothing. Reminded him that having attachments was a weakness in the human condition.

So he trained himself to harden his heart. To not be invested. To not care. Women, like cars or a good liquor, were a nice accessory. It was chauvinistic, sure, but it saved him from the brutal way you had torn his heart the morning he had woken up without you by his side.

Now as you hugged him, your perfume enveloping his senses, he knew he would give you the world if you asked him. Liked the familiar way your hands enveloped around his arms as his head nudged against your bosom, feeling the way your heart beat steadily in your chest. The way your hair brushed against his face, the soft way you whispered, ‘Its nice to see you again’ under your breath, only for him to know. He wanted more, needed more as you pulled away. Wanted to vocalize, ‘Wait, don’t pull away - I want to hug you for a while longer’ but knew he couldn’t. Had to accept what you provided as you slide next to Curtis who has that same shit eating grin on his face.

Like you had said two years ago – you were both hurricanes that didn’t need to be in the same path together.  A large part of him knows it’s a lie but its what he holds onto.

“Hey monster.” You say, giving Curtis a side hug that’s intimate in a way that’s different from the on you’ve given him. Protective and familiar as you shrug out of your jacket.

“It’s a cold December. Surprised New York hasn’t any snow yet. It’s been freezing in Paris.”

Your eyes survey the table, taking in their two drinks and you frown as you lean over, nudging the beer from Billy’s hands.

“Mind if I take a sip while you order me a beer?”

He relents, allowing you to take the beer as you take a long sip. Both your eyes never breaking. It was that take-charge attitude, that confident sure way you inserted yourself into a situation that had always gotten to Billy.

“Is Bryon coming out?” Curtis questions, breaking the intimate moment and you stiffen for a second as you stop drinking, before placing the bottle on the table and clearing your throat.

“Bryon and I are divorced.”

It’s said with surety and Curtis chokes on his beer as Billy watches you. Uncertain.

“I thought…you said…”

You shrug, playing with the beer in your hands.

“He brought up having a family and wanting kids and wanting to settle down and goddamn I couldn’t anymore. I literally saw him once a month toward the end. Finally caved and said that I was cheating on him and wanted a divorce. Haven’t seen him since.”

It’s said matter of factly as you take another drink and Curtis cocks an eyebrow as Billy leans in,

“I’m glad you did that.” You throw a skeptical eye at him as he falls back in his seat. “You were never happy with him. You deserve to be happy. Deserve to stop sacrificing yourself for the sake of others. You only have one life, better to have it doing something that fits you. Not what society wants.”

You had always disguised your emotions from him, always alluding to the mysterious which tantalized his questioning mind. However, six months of his infatuation with you, of being swirled in the mystery that is you had taught him that when your eyes softened, your mouth pulled into a soft smile that you were showered with happy relief. Knew that throughout the rest of the dinner, despite Curtis sitting next to you as you all fell in easy conversation, your foot creeping up his leg slowly was your silent way of letting him know that you wanted to be back let in. Could sense when you all decided it was time to leave the dive bar, saying your goodbyes outside, hugging him longingly that he had one more chance. One chance of letting you know that he wanted you, dreamed of, thought of you more than he was willing to let himself on.

Instead his phone vibrates in his jacket, causing you to pull away as he looks down at the screen.

“You should answer that. If I was Dinah I would be bummed if you didn’t answer.”

He looks up at you as you flit your eyes away from his phone’s screen,

“Sorry. Didn’t meant to look….”

You huff a sigh, the condensation from your warm breath hitting his face as you dig your hands into your jacket. Biting your lips as you force a smile onto your face, the kind of smile he’d seen you force when you were lost in your mind, laying on his chest after hours of love making, debating staying with him but knowing it was for the best if you left.

So much familiarity mixed in with mystery and he’s conflicted. He had a job to do. Had goals of his own now, things he wanted to achieve and none of those included you. Dinah, was just another notch. You were something dangerous that he couldn’t get lost in.

He swipes his phone, answering it and you sigh, turning on your heels as you meet up with Curtis, falling into an easy cadence as you walk away from him.

“Hey Dinah. Tonight? Sure…be there in thirty.”

He had a job to do. And, like an old mantra that can leave his brain, he repeats what had gotten him through the days all those years ago.

Sex. It had just been sex.

You’re disappointed as you scuffle into your hotel room, throwing your jacket off as you meander to your desk.

What the fuck was wrong with you?

Two things needed to be done. Build a net of familiarity then slam him with the question. Why the hell was he trying to kill you?

Instead, you had fallen into the rabbit hole of nostalgia, being triggered of why you had fallen for him in the first place. Why you had ruined your marriage and fled. Because Billy Russo had the power to destroy you. Make you want to give in to the idea of a the picture perfect life.

You picked up the USB drive that you had been deciphering. Both the FBI and MI-6 had been after this little guy. The information, so far, had been encrypted in not only a technical language you  and your partner had been trying to hack, but a variety of languages that fell on top of each other. Unlocking it was going to take weeks but if you could get Billy to spill the importance, why two governments were trying to get a hold of it, it saved you hours in front of a monitor, drunk off coffee.

You place the drive back under the coffee tumbler and peel out of your sweater. You just needed a hot shower, a drink and you could sort this all out in your brain. Call Tommy, see how far he had gotten. Get back to it tomorrow.

Forget Billy Russo. Leave the city if you had to. Just forget about him.

You’re peeling off your socks when you feel your phone vibrate and you pick it up lazily, not even bothering to look down at the screen.

“Yep?” You ask and he chuckles, that deep playful one that causes your breath to hitch and you freeze your actions.

“…..Billy?”

“Sorry for calling so late - I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Is this okay? Should I let you go?”

‘Yes’ you think internally. ‘Let me go. Let me go forever.’ Instead you answer,

“No, you’re fine. Just got to my room. Curtis and I grabbed one more drink at my hotel before I let him go.”

A sigh of relief floods your ear and you tighten around your phone as you hear him say,

“I know….I asked him where you were staying?”

Your heart drops. You could hear the distant sound of traffic outside, a siren that wails by that echoes in your receiver. He had chosen you over that Dinah chick. The thought makes your heart tighten. Your brain, on the other hand, is having a field day. No. No. No. You would make a poor choice if you continued.

“You following me Russo?”

Another nervous laugh before,

“Yea, yea guess I am. Grabbed a bottle of wine since you’ve been drinking it al evening, guess I…..I don’t know. Guess I can’t stop thinking about you and want to see if you can’t stop thinking about me.”

Your brain is literally holding a gun to your heart as you let out a breathy,

“Yes.”

“What’s your room number?”

That familiar need that shoots between your thighs takes over as your heart turns the gun back on your brain.

“1243.”

“I’ll be up soon.”

He clicks off and you put the phone down shakily. This was wrong. This could not end well. He wanted to kill you. Wanted you dead.

But you wanted him. Loved him. Always had.

Always would.

Three light knocks on the door and you’re up quickly, shuffling to the door and swinging it open. Your just in your bra and leggings, the expensive delicate fabric encasing the fatty tissue of your breast as they rise and fall in large waves.

He takes you in, the way your hair is array, your plump lips red from biting down on them too hard, the way your breast move in the fabric. He doesn’t move, just watches you as he stands there with a wine bottle in his hands, and you’re at a lost for words.

It was your move.  You bite your lip harder, a nervous tick and you flinch at the small taste of iron flooding your mouth.You lick your lip, soothing the sensitive skin that has been a victim to your nervousness as you whisper,

“Ouch, I bit my lip… kiss it better?”

It’s a terrible line, not even subtle but its all he needs. He’s in the room in a heartbeat, his hands eagerly searching for your flesh as he throws the wine bottle somewhere on the floor. He slams the door shut with his leg, picking you up as his mouth crashes down on yours, a sloppy tangle of teeth and tongue as your hands move to wrap around him.

He finds the bed with ease, dropping you both down on it as you push his jacket off him, needing to suddenly feel him everywhere. Your hips jut up into his and he groans into your mouth as your hands move down his sculpted arms, still toned under the soft cashmere of his burgundy Henley and you grasp him, kissing him even deeper, needing to taste him again. He’s eager, needy, clingy as his hands sloppily rake over your body, down your feathery breast that he squeezes hard, to your stomach to your legs, then back up your center cupping you, cupping at the pool of wetness that’s forming.

“Could smell you all throughout dinner.” He whispers, as he leans away from you and you whine, leaning up with him as you grab the hem of his shirt. He helps you tug it off as you grip his torso, looking up at him with hooded eyes.

“I can’t get you out of my head. No matter how hard I try, I can’t.” You say this through open mouth kisses, kissing the bullet wound at his v line tenderly, your right hand tenderly tracing over his battle scars.

“I miss you every fucking day and it hurts. I had to see you first, don’t you see.”

He’s looking down at you tenderly, allowing himself to be washed by your feathery kisses, letting the words burn into his mind, etch into his heart. He cups your face as he looks down at you tenderly.

“I know. Me too. Every day since I met you.”

He bends down and kisses you again, slowly this time, more deliberate, pushing you back onto the bed. Rediscovering your mouth for the first time, taking in your flavor as his tongue tangles with your own. Your hands paw at his belt, starting to hastily grab at the fabric and he grabs them, pulling them above your head as he moves down to your jaw, nipping at your skin.

“Patience baby, patience.” He whispers against your skin, using one hand to skim down your body and pull at your leggings. He moves them down enough to gain access to your center, grunting in approval at the wet mass he finds leaking down your folds.

He hisses in your ear, his other hand that has been gripping you moving down your back to your bra strap, unclasping the small material in one smooth movement. He pulls far away enough to watch your breast spill out of the confined material, his eyes glazing over in desire as he bites down watching the way they bounce, how puckered your nipples are.

“I’ve fucked models, actresses, singers, teachers, waitresses and officers. But none of them darling, none of them can hold a candle to how beautiful your body is.”

His voice is husky as he bends down, taking in a mouthful of your fatty tissue and you sigh as you arch into him, your hands running through his hair. His other hand is still playing with the folds of your vagina, amassing your wetness before stretching the slick around your clitoris and you yelp, your hips shimmying as Billy gives an approving moan. His mouth is merciless – sucking, biting and nipping your right breast and between his assault against your clit you’re a mess, your body already shaking in satisfaction. He pulls away to make similar work to your left boob, his hand moving south until it finds home in the walls of your pussy, already fluttering in need and you moan, arching into him more as you bite down hard on your lip.

“Oh Billy….”

He loved when you got this way. When you became prisoner to him, bent to his will and he smiles into the mound of tissue as he inserts another finger into you, working in and out of you slowly as your juices slide down your thighs, into the creases of your ass. When he inserts a third you’re tugging his hair, your hips moving against his hands as he fucks you harder and you lift his head, causing him to break free of your breast with a loud pop as he looks up at you, irises flooded black.

“Fuck me, please fuck me.”

You’re a withering mess as his fingers speed up their pace, the familiar way he knows how to scissor in and out of you, grazing against that special spot that has you clawing at his shoulders as you come undone around his fingers, your lips curling as your head falls into the pillows of the comforter.

When he pulls his fingers from you, you feel hollow, like a piece of you has been stolen from you and your eyes flit to where’s he’s standing, one hand furiously tugging at his pants while the other is being sucked into his mouth, a pornographic moan filling the room as he licks you off his fingers, watching you wantonly as you kick the rest of your leggings and underwear off. You sit up only fast enough to slide onto the floor, your hands making eager work of his boxers as his erection springs free and you look at it longingly at it bobs up his stomach, pre-cum leaking out of the tips and you grab his base before inserting it into your mouth.

You loved giving Billy head. Mainly because you loved his cock. Loved the way it tasted in your mouth, that salty flavor that could only be described as him saturating your taste buds as his fingers gripped your hair, a low exhale of gratitude escaping his mouth. He did this now, your name a faint whisper on his lips as you fought your gag reflex, urging yourself to take him all the way. When you do, spit coming out your throat he gives a happy sigh, stroking your head as he pulls from you, before slamming back into your mouth. Watches you with dark, predatory eyes as he fucks your mouth, urging you on as he wipes the tears from your eyes as you urge him on.

“You’re doing so good baby, you know. You know how good you’re doing for me. Letting me fuck this pretty little mouth of yours….”

You look up at him, your eyes large as your hands dig in his ass, needing more of him. Wanting to taste all of him. Your tongue lifts on the large vein of his erection and he makes a sound you’ve never heard before, a mixture of pleasure and pain before he’s pulling from you, lifting you off the floor and throwing you back on the bed.

“Fuck I need to fill this wet little pussy.”

He parts your legs and whines, his cock teasing your entrance as he quickly inhales, shaking his head.

“So fucking wet…. does it turn you on to when I fuck your mouth?” He bends over, slotting between your legs as his cock enters you and you both groan as he slowly fills you.

Billy’s always felt too big for you, like if he fucked you the wrong way too hard he might split you in half but you loved the way he made you full, how it would take you both a minute to adjust to the new feeling. His eyes are closed as he takes a minute to acclimate to the familiar old feeling and you take a moment to admire him. To admire the sharp, handsome features of his face – the way he’s groomed his beard in a sinful shadow.

You fucking loved him and it didn’t matter.

You cup his face, causing him to look back down at you as you lean up to kiss him, your walls fluttering around him and he groans as he readjusts his arms, pulling from you before slamming back into your body. Slowly relearning the rhythm to your body – learning what makes you submit to you. You urge on him, letting him know what you like as you kiss him languidly, slow, like you’ve always wanted to when he fucked you so long ago.

Rules were made to maintain boundaries, to ensure safety.  But when he broke them that night, made you break them, you had to go. That’s what you told yourself – you had to go to make sure you wouldn’t ruin his life. Now you’re sure you ran because it scared you how much control he had over your emotions, how he stole a piece of your independence and you willingly let him.

He pulls your legs up and shimmies into you harder, causing you to scream as you tear away from him and he smiles, lifting you up with him as he moves toward the desk, the items falling haphazardly on the floor as he spread your legs and fucks you harder, pushing you back so he can hit that spot that has you gasping out his name.

“Billy….I….ungh….I……can’t…..” You’re a broken mess as his hands find your clit, rubbing it before he bends downs, his hips unapologetic as he slams into you, his mouth capturing your breast and sucking it hard.

When your first orgasm hits you, you’re not prepared. It’s the combination of every part of you that has you yelling out his name, your fingers pawing at every inch of skin you can find on him, your vision clouded as you shut your eyes, your mouth slack as wave over wave washes over you.

He loved watching you cum. Lived to fuck you and watch the pleasure spread throughout your body. Loved the way your face contorted as you arched into him, his name a breathy whisper on your lips as your body shook violently. Didn’t matter how many people he fucked – he always imagined your face if he was stuck jacking off alone at home alone. He doesn’t care about the scars you probably are leaving over his body as you succumb to your pleasure, doesn’t care that he’ll have to explain the bruised hickies you’ve probably left on his neck while he was fucking you.

You were the only woman that’s ever captured his heart – the only one he’s loved – and he wants to keep you forever. Wants to pretend that he can have you the way he’s always wanted to. Beyond casual fucking that’s peppered through the work week. Wants to wake up to you, drink coffee while you read the paper, showering together, cooking and lounging on the couch after a long day at work. All that shit normal people take for granted – he wanted with you.

You’re coming down from your orgasm, your fluttery walls tightening around his cock as you look up at him, your eyes barely open as you reach up to him, your hands softly caressing his face.

“…love you so much….” its faint and weak but it’s what he’s always wanted to hear come out of you and he feels his balls draw up, that familiar knot in his stomach taking over as he spills his seed inside of you, his orgasm sputtering in you and you give a satisfied moan as he falls into the crevice of your neck, grasping onto you hungrily as his body goes lax against you.

You take on his body weight, enjoying the way it feels against you as you tighten your legs around him, your head resting on his shoulder and he nuzzles deeper into, inhaling you.

You were fucked. If this was the karma for being a selfish, manipulative bitch it was well deserved. Of course, it’s the man you love that leads to your demise.

“I love you.” He whispers in your ear, his mouth placing a tender kiss on the delicate skin and you can’t fight back the tears that have filled your eyes, were spilling down your cheeks. They hit his skin, over the love scars you’ve left with your nails and he grimaces as he pulls away to look at you worried.

“I love you too Billy. And it scares the shit out me.”

[evilisk-played]

Labyrinthine December Part 24: Stat Census

(It’s a stat census)

Since I’ve roughly bumped everyone up by about... 90 levels (give or take), it’s time to see how our character’s stat growths are coming along. Yeah, the process is kinda tedious, but since the game kinda sucks at feeding the player information and can be particularly about the information it’s giving you, I think knowing your party’s raw numbers is more important than going with your gut.

(Going with your gut is what gets you a SPD built Cirno that is then made obsolete by the existence of Mystia and Renko, though maybe I just have a really wretched gut)

= = = 

HP:

Komachi is still ridiculous (171k). Following her are Meiling (98k), Youmu and Yuugi (83k), Remi (81k), Sakuya (74k), Suika (73k) Wriggle (72k) and Flandre (73k). 60k and 50k is where a lot of characters (including most attackers, some supports) sit. Below 50k is now considered low HP (the “losers” here are Patchy at 20k, Kaguya, Suwako at sub-30k and Rumia, Minoriko and Chen at mid-40k).

Meiling’s HP/DEF build seems to be paying off in spades here. Yuugi’s HP isn’t too impressive, but when looking at her DEF stat, it makes sense. It’s kinda crazy to me that a lot of the high HP characters I have, aren’t all that tanky (Komachi gets by on sheer HP, Youmu and Yuugi get ripped to shreds by magic, Flandre’s HP is purely aesthetic etc.)

= = =

SP:

Marisa, Patchy, Reimu, Alice, Sanae, Ran, Kaguya and Yukari all have high SP. SP still isn’t a particularly important stat, but it is interesting to see Alice and Kaguya up here in this category, as their SP not boosted at all by bonus points.

= = =

ATK:

Flandre is an absolute beast, because even without serial stat boosts a la Marisa, Flandre is at a staggering 104k ATK.

Following her are: newcomer Eiki (68k), Yuugi (67k), Suwako (65k), Youmu (61k), Nitori (58k), Chen (57k), Remi and Suika (56k), Aya and Komachi (53k), Orin (54k), Rinno (51k) and then Sakuya and Cirno trail behind the pack with their underwhelming 40k ATK.

I don’t think I mentioned this before, but the Yuuka fight made me realize how bad I messed up my attackers ATK stat. Youmu is a massive underperformer (I played most of the game bumping her HP and DEF, only to realize she’s not a tank way, way too late into the main game). Likewise, I built up Suwako’s ATK and MAG instead of just focusing on ATK (same deal with Orin). I also boosted Nitori’s defensive stats early into this run and while I don’t regret it (I think Nitori can be a solid switcher / tank with her Camouflage skill), she’s not living up to her potential as a tactical nuke. 

Yuugi and Remi, by comparison, have really impressive ATK, despite the fact that I’ve built both up as only tanks. I’m not sure I’d sacrifice Tank-Yuugi for Nuke-Yuugi given that there are so many FIR Nukes in the game already (Flandre, Alice, Mokou, Orin etc.) but Remilia? I think I might try ATK-build Remilia next time I play this game. It’s also worth noting that Suika’s really fallen behind (she was on par with Youmu and Suwako before) though I also shifted focus to a HP/MND build for her.

= = =

DEF:

Yuugi is the leader at 55k. Tenshi, with her balanced defense, follows at 54k. Meiling is at 46k and Remi is at 42k. Then you have a bunch of characters at 35k (Rinno, Sakuya, Youmu). And following them are Eirin is at 34k, Wriggle is at 31k, Yukari at 29k and Ran at 28k. 

I don’t know how the gap between characters got worse compared to the last census. Except for Meiling (who I’ve been upgrading with a 50/50 split between HP and DEF), it is crazy that there’s such a big gaps between characters in this category. Well, I can explain away Eirin, Wriggle and Rinno  being built up like Tenshi (50/50 split between DEF and MND bonuses) but Remilia and Sakuya should be *way* higher, as they’ve only been getting DEF boosts.

Compared to the upcoming MND category, it sees like my nurturing of my DEF tanks has been really bad in this run. Note to future self: Sakuya and Remi DEF growths aren’t very good; Rinno, Wriggle and Eirin should probably be built up as dedicated DEF tanks next time.

= = =

MAG:

Marisa is still the leader at 81k. I boosted her to make sure she’s above everyone else again (because that’s just how Marisa rolls). Following her are Kaguya (62k), Alice (61k), Patchy and Maribel (60k), Mokou (59k), Kanako (57k), Reisen (51k), Rumia and Flandre (50k), Suwako (48k), Ran (47k) and Sanae (46k). My healers are all around the 30 to 40k mark (Mino at 33k, Reimu at 38k and Eirin at 41k).

The leaders haven’t changed at all, though Maribel is a new addition. Kanako has fallen behind, though that’s because I’ve been going with a HP/MAG build for her. I’m not sure if that was a mistake.

Reisen trailing behind at 51k is pretty miserable. To be fair, I kinda messed up her stats in the maingame, and she’s kind of a Chen-style attacker (but with MAG and ATK) so maybe these stats make sense. But for somebody who I’ve been dumping all their bonuses into? Trailing behind by 10k isn’t the result I was expecting. Well, at least Rumia is kinda catching up.

Overall, it looks the MAG attackers are kinda slacking compared to their physical counterparts

= = =

MND:

Patchy is *leading* the pack here at 81k MND, and this is without unnatural stat boosts too. Unfortunately, I feel that pure MND Patchy hasn’t been pulling her weight *at all* in no small part due to her *abysmal* HP. I’m not sure if this is due to going with a MAG/MND build for most of the main game, but yeah. Not great.

The second lead is... Yuyuko? At 61k?? Yeah I’m a bit shocked by this. I was expecting her to be a top level MND tank, but certainly not second (Iku would have been my pick for second-best MND tank). After her is Iku (56k), Tenshi (53k), Minoriko (51k), Yukari (50k), Kaguya and Reimu (48k), then there’s a big gap of Marisa (44k), Ran (40k), Alice (39k), Suika and Orin (38k). Rinno is at 36k while Eirin is at 35k.

MND has made a really good comeback and has become way, way more consistent compared to its physical counterpart. The only underperformer here is Suika; I’ve been bumping her MND and HP up, so it is embarassing that she’s as good a MND tank as *checks notes* Alice and Orin.

= = =

SPD

This will be divided into tiers again

Super Fast 

Chen 2426, Aya 2191

Pretty Fast 

Renko 1750, Cirno 1691, Orin 1495, Mystia 1456

Fast 

Marisa 1314, Flandre 1237, Remi 1219, Sakuya 1200

Average Speed

Ran 1174, Rinno 1168, Reisen 1142, Nitori 1075, Mokou 1056, Alice 1025, Reimu 1013, Wriggle 1003

Below Average Speed

Suika 944, Suwako 943, Komachi 940, Sanae 914, Maribel 896, Rumia 852, Mino 851, Youmu 842, Meiling 835, Kaguya 830, Eirin 829, Iku 824

Slow Tier

Yuugi 792, Kanako 754, Yukari 746, Eiki 700, Tenshi 694, Yuyuko 677

Patchouli Tier 

Patchy 536

I don’t feel like I grouped these right... but whatever, it’s my list

Anyway... I don’t feel there’s any surprises here. Cirno has fallen behind, but I also kinda starting putting her bonuses into ATK (since I feel her role as “speed paralyzer” has totally been stolen by Mystia and Renko). 

It’s interesting that while Maribel is another Reisen/Chen/Nitori type character (that relies on self-buffs to be useful), she is much, much slower than any of those other types. I should probably keep this in mind. Yama is also slower than expected, trailing behind almost all other Nukes in terms of speed.

Sanae’s speed is a bit disappointing, as I’ve actually been focusing on bumping her SPD up (I’ve been treating her like Aya in recent bosses, maybe that was a mistake). 

= = =

I’ve learned quite a bit information from this census, though most of it is in regards to my next playthrough rather than the current one...

Sakuya / Remilia’s growths: even with a focus on DEF bonuses, their DEF growth is pretty disappointing. I read somewhere that focusing on their ATK stats is much better for both characters. I’ll have to keep that in mind next time I do a fresh run of the game.

Patchouli and Tenshi’s growths: both of these characters have been severely underperforming in the Postgame. With both characters, their low health is a huge problem, though it’s really surprising in Tenshi’s case given that her defenses are supposed to be much more balanced. With Tenshi, I think focusing on HP bonuses might work better when you hit the postgame. No idea where to start with Patchouli though, she’s been made completely obsolete by Kaguya.

Cirno’s growths: I feel like focusing on SPD was a good idea at the time. She’s becomes very useful in dungeons because of her fast PAR, and there are a bunch of boss fights in the main-game where PAR-parading/stunlocking is a viable strategy. It’s the postgame, where you get two other SPD paralyzers (Mystia and Renko) that it’s no longer a smart strategy. Might go with SPD for maingame and then... ATK? In Postgame.

Suika’s growths: her ATK has seriously fallen behind without growths. On the flipside, her MND growth hasn’t really paid off. Not sure how to feel about this or what to do about this.

Youmu’s growths: while we seem to be catching up now, it seems like that Youmu really needs to commit to a STR or DEF build otherwise it completely messes with her stats.

Eirin, Wriggle and Rinnosuke’s growths: it seems like going for balanced defenses is a dumb idea when Tenshi already exists. All of them could have been built towards DEF builds and could have easily filled out the DEF category. I’m definitely thinking of DEF-build Eirin for next run. Aside from her overhealing, Eirin hasn’t been terribly useful.

Rumia’s growths: her growths still utterly escape me. From all the research I’ve done, it seems like Rumia is a *terrible* character up until she hits postgame, where her MAG growths eventually, actually become useful enough for her to be used as a proper healer. 

[fmlfpl]

Lineup Lamentations - GW17

Our Transfers, Captains, and Starting 11s for the week!

And new Friday My Life episode just came out for subscribers!

—

WALSH

TRANSFERS:

OUT: Lacazette and Ozil

IN (for -4 points hit): Rashford and Martial

Welp - turns out Freddy is not the answer at Arsecast and they have looked diabolical as per over the last couple. That, as well as Laca maybe bombed out and Ozil playing wide and shit and it's just a fucking mess. Experiment was fun while it lasted and I had my yearly enjoyment of owning Ozil but time to turn the page. Hitting them both out feels more than fine and looking at this fixture run for United I'm backing them to continue their momentum and keep doing their thing.

Rash, at this point, is on a Vardy-like run of returns and I couldn't really think of good reasons why that shouldn't continue. We may just be seeing a player mature in front of our eyes here so better late than never is my approach here.

Tony is just an old flame nothing to see here. Very close pick between him and Puli but that's what Friday My Life is for. As Alon put it, which was an excellent reminder, if there's a cheap OOP striker from a top six team in the game then just get that guy and reap the rewards. This was my main reasoning behind starting the season with him and if it ain't broke. Well..until he breaks that is..

GK:

Schmeichel (NOR)

Schmikes second run out for me after obviously not cleaning last game. If they don't clean Norwich I'll be quite sad. Quite sad.

DEF:

Pereira (NOR)

Ricardo looked fucking good against Villa and really should have came away with an assist if not for Barnes profligacy and shithousery...happy to have this lad in the squad and hoping it's the start of a beautiful new partnership.

Alexander-Arnold (WAT)

Trent goes again to cuck me and probably get subbed on 57' after his 50' off the bench display. Cool guy.

Lundstram (AVL)

Lund is home Villa in what is sort of a hard fixture? Idk. Still like running Lundy out in these fixtures against the bottom half without thinking a ton about it.

Might bin him before that tough run in a few gameweeks but for the time being he still looks like a solid bet for attacking returns and shit.

Kelly (BHA)

Saving the best for last..obv..Martin Kelly the god. Nothing to say here as words on a web page cannot describe a God with anything which remotely resembles accuracy, so I won't try.

MID:

Martial (EVE)

New friend Tony has a home banker against Big Dunc's squad. Seems good to me...hopefully it is good to Tony as well. Everton xi still looks a shambles and hoping that a 90′ on tape of what Dunc is doing will be of great assistance to the genius manager who is Ole.

De Bruyne (ars)

Kevin the steady hand has a banker at Arse and I'd be pretty surprised if he blanks. Still feel like he's a very good pick and happy to still have hung on to him.

Son (wol)

Last mid in the trio is Private Swan. He's looked electric under Mou with no end in sight. Get in there swannyboy.

FWD:

Rashford (EVE)

Another new friend Rash up top I don't have to fuck him to hell in slack anymore when he dongs which I'm happy about. Time to be on team Rash and be happy about it.

Vardy (NOR)

Vardz stays boring whatever nothing to talk about there.

Kane (wol)

Kane also is staying..for now. Still feels like a not so good use of money but in this moment and looking at the fixtures it doesn't feel like a good place to use transfers. Yet.

CAP:

Vardy (NOR)

Vardy for me. Going with the "best" option for once. Yay points. Hopefully the rest of my team performs and I can gain on the field in that way since it won't be in this way this weekend.

—

ALON

TRANSFERS:

OUT: N/A

IN: N/A

Following Pod Partner’s advice on Fri and just saving instead of panicking in a Liverpool player or something else insane.

Team is good on paper even with no Mo and no Mané.

GK:

Ryan (cry)

Ryan is the runaway leader for Baseline Bonus Points of all players in the game... Maybe he’ll get a clean from time to time and hopefully the bones follow. I hate keepers.

DEF:

van Dijk (WAT)

Should be a relatively straight forward clean. Stop the one or two chances / counters and just chill and control otherwise.

Lundstram (AVL)

Lundy has stopped shooting which really dents his start-every-week appeal so hopefully he picks it back up soon. If not he will turn into a guy we’re benching pretty regularly with SHU cleansheets coming back down to Earf.

Söyüncü (NOR)

Leicester D should have another easy day at the office here.

MID:

Maddison (NOR)

Been hauling and ticking he’s just good man. At first I shitted on him then I came around on him and transferred him in and then he blanked and it felt bad again and now he’s titting and it feels good again... Anyway points are good and he’s in and around’em.

Alli (wol)

Fixture feels really bad to me. Wolves will play super deep as usual and try to hit Spurs on the break... Maybe it’ll take a moment of Alli magic to break them down?

Pulisic (BOU)

A 6th (including Champs Lg.) blank in a row would really be criminal because he’s playing so fucking well and looks incredible.

Bournemouth are a joke and Chelsea should run them the fuck over.

De Bruyne (ars)

The forgotten man... Still very good. Although he might turn into a Liverpool guy or Son in two weeks I don’t fuckin’ know.

FWD:

Kane (wol)

Yikes. Praying.

Abraham (BOU)

I think he definitely gets a goal here but will he stay on the pitch long enough for more then a goal? I’m not sure.

Vardy (NOR)

Yep.

CAP:

Vardy (NOR)

Sticking with Vardy.

If Tammy was nailed for 90′ I’d probably go there against the diabolically bad Bournemouth but we know how many goals are scored in those last twenty minutes and I want my striker and my captain on the pitch for’em.

Vardy injects Lucozade into his veins at halftime and sprints around for the second 45′. It’s good for points. Would recommend.

—

RANDOM SLACKER OF THE WEEK: WolfgangJones

The words of Random Slacker are not officially endorsed by this website nor any employees of FML FPL LLC.

TRANSFERS:

OUT: McGinn

IN: Grealish

Sideways moves are like a second helping of cake, you know it’s bad for you but you do it anyway. Many gameweeks ago I went for McGinn instead of Grealish and I’ve regretted it ever since. Grealish just feels right for my first bench spot and the occasional start.

GK:

Guaita (BHA)

Two weeks, two cleans, 18 points. Great shout from two pods ago. Palace’s fixtures are looking good for the next while so Guaita should keep getting the cleans.

DEF:

Alexander-Arnold & Robertson (WAT)

At what point does patience become plain stubbornness? Liverpool have kept two cleans in a row and I don’t see a reason why the trend shouldn’t continue this week. Might be getting rid of Robbo next week to free up funds so hopefully he gets me a clean as a parting gift.

Söyüncü (NOR)

Soy is good and Leicester D is good. I’m expecting a clean here this weekend.

Lundstram (AVL)

Sheffield haven’t kept a clean since GW11 but Lundstram is still out of position as fuck. Even if they don’t keep a clean he might get attacking returns so I see no reason not to start him for this one.

MID:

De Bruyne (ars)

I’m not going to lie; I’ve been thinking about getting rid of Kev. But with Arsenal being bad at defending it was hold for at least one more week. I’ll have to reassess next week since he’s the easiest path into either Son or Alli.

Mané (WAT)

Mané has been phenomenal and he should keep it up. Home vs Watford is as tasty a fixture as they come.

Moura (wol)

In hindsight Lucas was the wrong Spurs asset to get but nothing to be done about that right now. Here’s to hoping he proves me wrong.

Maddison (NOR)

Tick merchant will keep ticking. Should get points at home against Norwich. Barring any injuries he’ll be a season hold for me.

FWD:

Jimenez (TOT)

It ain’t much but it’s honest work. I don’t see Wolves beating Spurs but Jimenez should be able to get a goal or an assist.

Vardy (NOR)

If there is one thing we can count on is Vardy getting points.

CAP:

Mané (WAT)

It was a close one between Mané and Vardy but in the end I think Mané has the potential to explode against Watford.

[hayesit]

my mom is both a very positive and very toxic aspect of my life

i love her. i really do. she taught me how to be the person i am today and i credit at least 50% of that to her. she gave me a good base to work off of. she serves her 90+ year old parents and drives my brother and i around (we don’t drive, i’ll get to that in a second). she doesn’t have a job but her work is taking care of my grandparents and house stuff. she’s a traditional mom. thankless jobs as expected of her. 

however.

my dad (nice guy, works a lot, less strict than my mom and def doesn’t wear the pants) gets up at 3:30-4:00 am every morning for work. he leaves at 6 in the morning for work, gets out of work at 3:30 or so, goes to the gym, comes home and eats dinner, relaxes for a bit, and goes to bed at 8:00 pm. my mom follows a similar schedule. she wakes up with him and goes to bed with him. this is a long way to say my parents go to bed at 8:00 pm on weeknights. this, in turn, causes my brother and i’s curfew to be 8:00 pm. for some reason, it’s an unbudging law that my mother has to see that we’re home safe before going to bed. this means she sleeps on the couch until we are back home, in turn guilting my brother and i for staying out past 8:00 pm. it’s quite confusing because we are at school for months on end without her knowing where we are and it hasn’t been an issue then. (i’ve walked up to 2 miles back to my dorm by myself drunk at 3:00 am. it happens, you’re in college)

i’m 22. my curfew is 8:00 pm. 

now i don’t drive. the reason for that is a chain reaction from the things above.

i didn’t have friends in high school. sure, i had people i enjoyed and called “friends”, but i didn’t hang out with anyone outside of school and rehearsal. if i ever did, it was quite briefly because my mom would wait for me in the car outside my friends houses for 30 minutes (she must be early to being early) and it guilted the hell out of me so i’d go to her early. if i stayed out until when i’d say i’d leave she’d lecture me in the car about how she wakes up at 3:30 every morning at that i have to cut her some slack. 

i never got a driver’s license because i never had friends in high school. there was no reason for me to get one. i wouldn’t be visiting friends, so why bother?

i did the driver’s ed classes the summer that i was 19, had a job where i lived at school all summer when i was 20, and did my onroad lessons last summer. i have a renewed permit (yes i had it long enough) and now it’s like pulling teeth to practice driving with my mother with my incredibly limited windows of having her available. she drops off my brother at work and comes home at 9:00 am, has to slave for my grandparents or has errands to do afterwards, and when she comes home she’s too irritated or tired to do anything with her. she has to pick my brother up from work at 3:30 pm and has yardwork or things around the house to do until then. after she gets my brother, it’s 5:00 pm and her day is essentially done. 

the few times i have driven with her have been quite stressful because 100% of her body is 100% tensed up. i’m not sure what routes to take to drive (i don’t drive lol) so they haven’t been to challenging so far, and if i were to go on the highway or take too long of a drive my mom will stroke out. we drive one or two times a week for less than 10 minutes at a time.

sure, my mom’s environment and situations is what makes her an incredibly stunting aspect of my life. my brother and i try to bring this up to her, but she hits 100% anger and is completely irrational if we try to talk with her about our feelings of being trapped and lack of freedom in the nicest way possible, so it’s impossible to talk to her about it and make any change. 

she insists that she sleeps on the couch to see us walk through the door and is angry at us when we come home, or if she’s too tired to be angry that night, will yell at us in the morning. 

it’s manipulation, plain and simple. 

sure, slaving for my grandparents and driving my brother to work (30 minute commute) makes life tough for her, but my brother and i are adults. as one of his friends put it, “i could stay out past 8 pm in kindergarten”. 

i don’t nessecarily..........  b l a m e     my mom for all negative aspects of my life, but i can certainly attribute a good 70% of them. 

not being able to stay out past 8:00 pm all of my life has caused the following (some may be stretches but they’re quite rational to get to):

not being able to form stronger friendship bonds with my friends in high school causing....

me to have a warped sense of social bonds with friends

me to not be able to drive at 22 causing....

me to not have a sense of freedom, bothering my mother and friends for rides and all the things that come with that, etc.

me being 22 not having my first kiss yet (possibly a stretch, but it tracks. i’m nervous to engage in that kind of intimacy because i have no experience with it)

being scared to try literally anything new

losing out on 3+ hours a day of possible “having fun in the prime of my life” because fuckin memaw goes to bed at 8:00 pm

being depressed during the summer due to lack of autonomy and freedom

literally so much more that i may edit this post and add more as i think of them

anyway i’m deeply emotionally exhausted and just wanted to write this out so thanks for reading

[junker-town]

Mike Leach gets weirder (and Washington State gets better) with age

2018 was supposed to be a setback year for Leach and Wazzu. It was anything but.

Bill C’s annual preview series of every FBS team in college football continues. Catch up here!

Each year, it seems Mike Leach becomes a little more Mike Leach.

It’s been nearly 15 years since Leach started talking to his team about pirates and swords and nearly eight since he wrote a memoir with a pirate-themed title. Since, he’s moved on to writing a book about Geronimo (nearly five years ago now), lecturing anybody who will listen about sovereign immunity, endorsing a presidential candidate (only fair, since said candidate once endorsed him), and, most recently, teaching a course about warfare and tactics (in which an assignment is, naturally, to draw up football plays) and visiting the Middle East.

It seems age makes an eccentric more of an eccentric, which, considering where the bar was originally set, is awfully impressive. But it also seems that age has made this eccentric football coach ... a better football coach.

It really shouldn’t be like that. Thirty years ago, Leach and Hal Mumme, one of his first bosses, worked to create a revolutionary, pass-happy vision of football, and 22 years ago, when Mumme was named Kentucky’s head coach, they took it to major college football.

In the years that followed, after Leach had embarked on his own career trail and Mumme had been fired from Kentucky, Mumme became something of a football gypsy, constantly working somewhere new — Southeastern Louisiana, New Mexico State, McMurry University, Bellhaven University, etc. His next gig will evidently be as an offensive coordinator in the XFL.

When I reference Mumme now, it’s mostly in calling someone a “Hal Mumme type” — one who influences others who end up succeeding more than he does. (Hello, NFL Chip Kelly.)

Leach, however, has held two football jobs in the last 20 years and won in both. And while Mumme’s tactical and/or leadership model began to wither under scrutiny, Leach gets better the longer he is in a job.

He averaged seven wins over his first two seasons at Texas Tech, then 8.4 over his next five, then 9.3 over his last three. It took until his ninth year for him to break through to double-digit wins in Lubbock. At Wazzu, he did it in his seventh. He has pulled off something few coaches ever manage: four consecutive years of improvement.

(This is neither here nor there, but hot damn, was Wazzu bad in 2008-09.)

That this streak reached a fourth year is mind-blowing. There was reason, both football-based and not, to believe that Leach’s Cougars were due a setback last fall.

He had briefly accepted the Tennessee head coaching job in December 2017, and it can be hard to win your players back after something like that. Plus, his staff experienced a drastic amount of churn, and he brought in nearly 10 new assistants, including a new defensive coordinator to replace Alex Grinch, an inspired hire and the new Oklahoma defensive coordinator. On top of all of that, his team (and its remaining staff) had to reckon with the death of a teammate in Tyler Hilinski.

In last year’s preview, I wrote that the best-case scenario was that “Leach’s weird brand of steadiness could create normalcy where none should exist.” But I thought that would result in maybe a top-50 S&P+ ranking and seven wins or so.

Instead, with a mustachioed grad transfer throwing to a pretty green receiving corps (among Wazzu’s 10 leading receivers, there were four freshmen and sophomores and one senior), the Cougs somehow improved by more than a touchdown per game offensively, and until the slightest of fades at the end of the year, Wazzu was in the S&P+ top 25.

WSU dropped a controversial September decision to USC and suffered its annual Apple Cup loss to rival Washington (for all his strengths, Leach hasn’t figured out how to beat Chris Petersen yet) but swept the other 11 games. The Cougars beat Pac-12 South champion Utah, beat Oregon for the fourth straight year (and by double digits for the third straight), beat Stanford for the third straight year, survived a thrilling Alamo Bowl against Iowa State, and finished 10th in the AP poll, their best finish in 15 years.

Whew.

In terms of personnel and staffing, the turnover has been minimal this offseason. By comparison, anything would be. Leach snared another grad transfer — this time Gage Gubrud from nearby Eastern Washington — to potentially lead an offense that returns a vast majority of last year’s touches. His offensive line is experienced, as well, though his defense has been thinned out a bit. A fifth year of improvement feels like too much to ask, but, well, so did the fourth year.

Offense

When Gubrud originally committed to Washington State after three years at EWU, I was, for a moment, incredibly intrigued. Gubrud is an athletic dude — he did, after all, put up 99 non-sack rushing yards while throwing for 475 when the Eagles upset Leach’s Cougs back in 2016.

Might he add a rushing element to the Leach attack?, I wondered. Might Leach use Gubrud’s athleticism in different—and then I stopped thinking and made fun of myself. Leach doesn’t change his offense.

Leach’s system is and will always be based around throwing the ball more than everybody else in college football. While the average FBS team runs the ball about 60 percent of the time on standard downs, Wazzu ran just 32 percent of the time last year. While the average team runs about 35 percent of the time on passing downs, Wazzu ran 18 percent of the time. Might Gubrud be inclined to scramble a bit more here and there? Sure, maybe. But Leach isn’t changing a damn thing.

Photo by William Mancebo/Getty Images

Gage Gubrud (8)

Of course, we don’t know for sure that Gubrud will be the starter. Seniors Trey Tinsley and Anthony Gordon have both seen the field here and there, and four-star redshirt freshman Cammon Cooper is waiting his turn as well.

Still, none of those guys have Gubrud’s track record. Despite missing parts of each of the last two seasons with injury, he’s still thrown for 9,984 career yards and 87 touchdowns. He’ll probably reach 10,000 yards within his first three throws of his seasons, and assuming he’s the starter, he’ll hit 100 touchdowns by mid-year at the latest. Still, if Gubrud gets hurt again (as he did this spring), the backups appear qualified.

James Snook-USA TODAY Sports

Dezmon Patmon

The QB of choice will have one hell of a receiving corps at his disposal. Six players were targeted at least 66 times last season, and the only one who doesn’t return is running back James Williams. (Williams’ backup, Max Borghi, was also a member of the 66-Plus Club.)

In Tay Martin, Borghi, and inside receiver Jamire Calvin, Wazzu boasts a nice set of efficiency guys. In Easop Winston Jr. and Dezmon Patmon, however, they’ve got the kind of proven vertical threats that make Leach’s air raid attack particularly difficult to stop. This is an efficiency-first attack in the same way that the triple option is, which means that containment and strong tackling are just about your only ways to get off the field. But when Wazzu is gashing you with big plays, too, there’s really no defensive solution beyond “hope desperately that you can get pressure on the QB quickly.”

Almost no one is able to do that, either. Wazzu ranked first in the nation in sack rate allowed, a paltry 1.9 percent. Even on blitz downs (second-and-super-long, third-and-5 or more), opponents only dragged Minshew down for a loss 4.1 percent of the time (11th in FBS).

Granted, all-conference left tackle Andre Dillard is gone, a first-round pick of the Philadelphia Eagles. Still, right tackle Abraham Lucas returns after posting second-team all-conference honors as a freshman, and three other starters are back, too. The quick-passing nature of the offense keeps the QB’s jersey pretty clean, anyway, and a good line makes that job twice as hard.

Defense

When Leach hired Grinch, the defense’s improvement was remarkably linear. The Cougs improved from 97th to 77th in Def. S&P+ in 2015, then to 60th in 2016 and 30th in 2017. WSU’s 2017 offense was far less consistent than normal because of QB injuries and another young receiving corps, but the defense picked up the slack, and the Cougs won nine games all the same.

Grinch left to become Ohio State co-coordinator after 2017, however, and Tracy Claeys’ first year as his replacement was marked by inconsistency. The good moments were still excellent — the Cougs held five opponents to 20 or fewer points (and, not surprisingly, went 5-0 in those games). But they gave up 7.3 yards per play and a 48 percent success rate in their two losses, and they got gashed by Oregon State (37 points, 6.5 yards per play), Stanford (38 points, 6.7 yards per play), and Iowa State (only 26 points, but 7.8 yards per play) as well.

The pass defense was strong — 33rd in passing marginal efficiency, first in passing downs sack rate (if you fell behind the chains, your quarterback was getting hit) — but if you were decent at running the football, you didn’t have to pass. Wazzu was 115th in rushing marginal efficiency, and once you crossed into the red zone, the Cougs had no answers: they were 122nd in success rate between the 11 and 20 and 107th inside the 10.

Photo by Tim Warner/Getty Images

Willie Taylor III

Continuity on the two-deep is at least decent this year. Seniors only made 38 percent of last year’s tackles, and of the 11 players to make at least 20 tackles, seven return. Plus, of the six players to record at least three sacks (Claeys’ pass rush was as diverse as it was effective), four are back: end Will Rodgers III and linebackers Dominick Silvels, Willie Taylor III, and Jahad Woods. None of them are seniors; Wazzu will be defined by its pass rush for a while.

Of course, it might still be defined by poor run defense, too. Rodgers and end Nnamdi Oguayo return up front (so does sophomore Misiona Aiolupotea-Pei, who had 2.5 sacks among his 6.5 tackles), but last year’s top two defensive tackles do not. Only a couple of likely contributors weigh in over 280 pounds, and none topped 300 as of their latest weigh-in (290-pound sophomore Jesus Echevarria came the closest). For that matter, none of the major linebackers top 235. This is a speedy but light unit.

Soobum Im-USA TODAY Sports

Jalen Thompson (34)

The secondary doesn’t have much size either, but that’s less of a concern. Veteran safeties Skyler Thomas and Jalen Thompson (combined: four tackles for loss, four INTs, 10 pass breakups) return, as does corner Marcus Strong (two TFLs, three INTs, five PBUs). But depth has thinned considerably. No other returnee logged more than 6.5 tackles. That probably tells you why Leach signed four JUCO DBs. A couple will need to contribute immediately.

Special Teams

For three years, Leach had maybe the most consistently awful special teams unit in the country. Wazzu ranked 120th or worse in Special Teams S&P+ each year from 2014-16 but hopped to 79th in 2017 and sustained its gains last year (74th). Place-kicker Blake Mazza was scattershot as a freshman (only 6-for-9 on field goals under 40 yards but 4-for-6 over 40), but punter Oscar Draguicevich III was excellent, and Travel Harris was decent in kick returns. They’re all back.

2019 outlook

2019 Schedule & Projection Factors

Date Opponent Proj. S&P+ Rk Proj. Margin Win Probability 31-Aug New Mexico State 121 29.3 95% 7-Sep Northern Colorado NR 41.2 99% 13-Sep vs. Houston 73 8.6 69% 21-Sep UCLA 63 8.3 68% 28-Sep at Utah 17 -9.0 30% 12-Oct at Arizona State 49 0.5 51% 19-Oct Colorado 68 9.7 71% 26-Oct at Oregon 20 -7.4 33% 9-Nov at California 60 3.0 57% 16-Nov Stanford 32 1.3 53% 23-Nov Oregon State 105 20.8 89% 29-Nov at Washington 15 -11.3 26%

Projected S&P+ Rk 36 Proj. Off. / Def. Rk 20 / 71 Projected wins 7.4 Five-Year S&P+ Rk 5.7 (49) 2- and 5-Year Recruiting Rk 61 2018 TO Margin / Adj. TO Margin* 8 / 4.6 2018 TO Luck/Game +1.3 Returning Production (Off. / Def.) 61% (58%, 64%) 2018 Second-order wins (difference) 9.7 (1.3)

Primarily because of turnover at quarterback and defensive back, Wazzu’s four-year run of improvement is projected to come to an end. The Cougs are projected to slip slightly to 36th.

Yes, they were projected to slide last year and didn’t. Maybe they keep the streak going. Still, at 36th they’re projected favorites in nine of 12 games. Playing at Utah, Oregon, and Washington will likely cut short any hopes of winning the Pac-12 North, but there are still lots of wins on the table here.

There’s no telling where Leach’s odd mind will take him next offseason or the one after that. But in-season, he’s coaching as well as he ever has.

Team preview stats

All 2019 preview data to date.

[davedimartino]

NEW THIS WEEK 02.24.09

With the excitement of the Grammys now long since gone, it's time for the music business to stand or fall purely on the quality of its new product!

In short? If all of this week's new releases are top-notch, quality stuff, then I think we can count on years and years of a healthful, thriving music business! But if, on the other hand, most of this week's are dreary and stale reruns of an earlier, better time, it might be appropriate for everyone in the industry to just throw in the towel, admit defeat, and perhaps individually focus on improving their own personal lots in life--and business be damned!

Well, you can take a look for yourself--but as far as I can see, any week that features a lot of great reissues, good albums by really old artists, and a new album by the Jonas Brothers is conclusive proof that music's on an upswing like never before!

Speaking purely as a rock critic, I don't think I'm alone in comparing this year's music riches to those released in the golden year of 1969--except now everything's even better produced! I predict a long and healthy life for the music industry and indeed each and every one of us!

Guess I’m just an optimist! You too?

 Jonas Brothers: Music From The 3d Concert Experience (Hollywood)  I think a lot of people would be genuinely shocked to find that this new live Jonas Brothers album--the soundtrack from the movie of sort of the same name--contains some frighteningly accurate covers of Metallica, the Pretty Things, early '60s pop hit "Please Don't Talk To The Lifeguard," and a by-rote recitation of all 18 minutes and 42 seconds of Isaac Hayes's "By The Time I Get To Phoenix" amid all the marvelous contemporary pop hits! Luckily, that's not the case here, and I'd be willing to bet no one will care either way! Heck, these guys are kind of cute and they can really play their instruments!

 Van Morrison: Astral Weeks Live At The Hollywood Bowl (Listen To The Lion/EMI) A few years back I noted the irony that I managed to see Brian Wilson play Pet Sounds, Arthur Lee play Forever Changes, and the Zombies play Odessey And Oracle all within a few scattered months. If I'd only seen this great concert--which in fact I did manage to see--back then, and maybe seen the Velvet Underground reuniting to play their third album live, I could simply stop listening to music entirely, give serious consideration to getting that doctorate in psychology, and stop spending so much time thinking about myself instead of other people! Anyway, this is great live recording by a great artist covering one of the greatest albums of all time, and the cover's deliberate artistic nod to the notion of "Neil Diamond dressed as Zorro" only adds to its greatness! Buy it today!

 Lamb Of God: Wrath (Epic) This album reminds me of three things! First, the phrase Lord God, Lamb of God, Son Of The Father, You who take away the sins of the world, have mercy upon us! Secondly, the fact that Rath was a Waterloo, Indiana-based company that made great bacon before ultimately closing up shop a few years back! Finally, a band with name Lamb Of God features a lead singer who actually has a strange patch of hair growing on his back! Between you and me, I think that second point may carry the most weight!

 K'naan: Troubadour (Octone/A&M)  While the cultural impact of contemporary rap and hip-hop can't be overstated, I've often felt that something was missing--and I think that may have been the heretofore unheard rappers of Somalia and the Arctic Circle! Providing one-half of the answer is Somalian rapper K'naan, who's heard here with guests like Damien Marley, Mos Def, Chubb Rock, and hip-hop legend Adam Levine of Maroon 5, in a fabulous collection largely recorded in Kingston, Jamaica and packed to the gills with potent political points, primary positive perceptions, and other cool stuff! Some say this may be one of the year's biggest albums, while others say you should brake first before turning right at a red light! Hey, another store just closed!

 Chris Isaak: Mr Lucky (Wicked Game/Reprise)  It's hard to say that Chris Isaak's unique, '50s-inspired ultra-cool persona was long missed in the seven years it's taken him to produce a brand new album. Mainly because that sentence has too many modifiers! But the man himself can do no wrong, and in 2009, with guests Trisha Yearwood and Michelle Branch joining him, it's as if he never left! Evocative, moody, sexy, and, as always, strangely distant, Isaak sings in his timeless way, and when he does, an invisible hand enters your chest cavity, clutches your heart, squeezes it a little, says, "Good as new, boss," and then slams the hood down watching you as you drive off into the distance! Then it call up your English teacher and--together--they laugh at you!

Steven Wilson: Insurgentes (K-Scope)  It's a peculiar quirk of fate when a musician with a built-in cult audience--who'll buy nearly anything with his name on it--actually happens to be remarkably good, adventurous and compelling, and that's certainly the case with Mr. Wilson, who otherwise plays with his excellent, arty Brit band Porcupine Tree. This set--officially his debut solo album--comes in multiple configurations, including a gorgeous 2CD/DVD and accompanying book limited edition, and is glorious listening throughout. In the same manner that, say, Radiohead no longer need be concerned with recording a "hit single," Wilson has the leeway to make any sort of recording he wants--without any major-label commercial pressures--and as heard here, does so with startling success and energy. Plus, wearing a gas mask on your album cover is always cool! Buy it today!

 Isaac Hayes: Black Moses (Stax) When you get right down to it, there were fewer cooler people in the world of popular music than Mr. Isaac Hayes, and this double-album--originally released in 1971--features the man at the peak of his powers! The best possible example of how the man could take outside material and make it his own, this set features his "Never Can Say Goodbye" and "(They Long To Be) Close To You" and glides along soulfully in deep, deep groove. The completely fab new CD reissue features the original fold-out cover art, miniaturized, and is the sort of thing nearly everybody should have hanging in their house to prove their worth as humans! He'd probably think so, too!

 J.J. Cale: Roll On (Rounder) Speaking of impeccably cool musicians, look no further than Tulsa legend J.J. Cale, who's back with his first album since winning a Grammy with his Eric Clapton collaboration of 2006, The Road To Escondido. A little more upbeat in places than you might come to expect with Cale's previous work, Roll On is precisely played, economically arranged, and sounds like it might've been recorded any time within the past 50 years. It probably was! All told, it's no Lamb Of God, but what the hey!

 Company Of Thieves: Ordinary Riches (Wind-up) Company Of Thieves is an interesting Chicago trio featuring a powerful lead vocalist in Genevieve Schatz--who'll either end up being loved by millions or being perceived as the contemporary equivalent as that hat-wearing chick in the 4 Non Blondes' video "What's Up," it's her call! They play melodic songs with a lot of emotional oomph and I suspect if you see them in live performance you will either like them a lot or perhaps be distracted by your date's unexpected urge to drink excessively! That stuff does happen! It's an either/or world for Company Of Thieves!

 Green River Ordinance: Out Of My Hands (Virgin)  Few expected President Obama to be such a vocal fan of John Fogerty, but his recent insistence that all new bands sound like Creedence Clearwater Revival is taking some heat from unexpected quarters! Dudes, cut him some slack!

[crybabyram-blog]

Unturned Generator

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[junker-town]

How will 2017 Pitt football follow up on beating Penn State and Clemson?

The Panthers are progressing nicely, but this season is probably a bump in the road.

In my North Carolina preview, I mentioned how Larry Fedora had the unstable program achieving at a strangely normal rate. The Tar Heels are now recruiting and playing at a top-30 level. They cannot be called underachievers.

Narduzzi has pulled off a similar feat.

It felt like I was bringing it up in the Pitt preview every year just to twist the knife: the Panthers had, over the course of two decades, experienced brutal close-game luck.

Since Johnny Majors retired and Walt Harris took over, Pitt has had a winning record in one-possession games just five times and has been at least two games under .500 in such games nine times. In this nearly two-decade sample, the Panthers are 35-53 in these contests, a 0.397 win percentage.

The Panthers have managed to attend 13 bowls and share two conference titles in these 18 years. If these demons that have taken over Heinz Field ever relinquish their powers, Pitt could easily become an annual ACC Coastal contender.

I wrote in 2015 that bringing in a guy who helped kill the “Sparty, No!” meme was a deft one.

Baggage: shed. Sort of. Narduzzi is still struggling to get his classes balanced and takes on a massive rebuild of the two-deep, but not only have his Panthers reminded everyone of the program’s upside, they’ve finally won their share of close games.

Pitt is 7-7 in one-possession finishes over the last two years. For this program, that feels like 14-0. Last year they beat two Power 5 champions — Penn State early and national champ Clemson in November — by a combined four points. They were two of the most exciting, symbolic Pitt wins of the last decade. They survived shootouts with Georgia Tech (37-34) and Syracuse (76-61) and finished 20th in S&P+, their best finish in seven years. They fielded maybe their best offense since Dan Marino was quarterback. They took on a brutal schedule, one featuring six S&P+ top-25 teams, and landed punches.

There were still regrets, though.

There was the 45-38 loss to Oklahoma State, which could have been a win with one fewer deep-ball breakdown.

There was the 37-36 loss at UNC, in which the Tar Heels scored the winning touchdown with two seconds left.

There was the 39-36 loss to Virginia Tech, which could have flipped if the Panthers had managed a minus-2 turnover margin instead of minus-3.

There was the 31-24 bowl loss to Northwestern, which could have flipped had the Panthers held NU’s Justin Jackson to 150 rushing yards or so instead of 224.

2016 was huge. But the Panthers still left wins on the board, and despite the top-20 S&P+ finish, they ended 8-5. The demons aren’t vanquished just yet, and last year’s pangs might feel a little stronger as Narduzzi attempts a third-year rebuild.

Pitt has to replace star running back James Conner, quarterback Nathan Peterman, tight end Scott Orndoff, All-American guard Dorian Johnson, all-conference tackle Adam Bisnowaty, four of five defensive linemen (including Ejuan Price and Shakir Soto), three of four linebackers, and three of five defensive backs. Plus, Canada leaves Watson with nearly impossible expectations.

The Panthers are not without star power; dynamic rusher/receiver Henderson is back, as are leading receiver Jester Weah, cornerback Avonte Maddox, and, of course, 2016 Piesman Trophy winner Brian O’Neill. And if some high-profile transfers find niches, Pitt will have more than enough talent to challenge good teams.

Still, it’s going to be nearly impossible to match last year’s upside, and Pitt’s success might end up defining how we look back at 2016. Was it the year a corner was turned, or was it a year of dramatic upside and too many missed opportunities?

From a symbolism standpoint, you could do worse than this:

Narduzzi is 16-10 after two years, ranked 20th in S&P+ in his second year. He faces a third-year setback.

Mentor Mark Dantonio at Michigan State: 16-10 in his first two years, 23rd in S&P+ in year two, and 6-7 in year three.

Beginning in year four, Dantonio went 65-16 over his next six seasons.

So there’s that.

2016 in review

2016 Pitt statistical profile.

The offense was not only good; it got better against better teams. Unfortunately, the defense was demonstrably worse.

Pitt vs. S&P+ top 50 (3-5): Avg. percentile performance: 68% (80% offense, 36% defense) | Avg. yards per play: Opp 6.6, Pitt 6.5 | Avg. score: Opp 40, Pitt 36

Pitt vs. everyone else (5-0): Avg. percentile performance: 78% (60% offense, 54% defense) | Avg. yards per play: Pitt 7.0, Opp 4.9 | Avg. score: Pitt 50, Opp 28

Against top-50 competition, the offense averaged just 0.4 yards per play fewer than it did against lesser squads, but the defense allowed 1.7 yards per play more. As a result, Pitt games were virtually guaranteed shootouts; only the first and last games of the season finished with fewer than 70 combined points. Not what one would expect from either Pitt or a Narduzzi team.

Offense

Full advanced stats glossary.

The most encouraging thing I can say about Watson is that Canada hadn’t proved himself before coming to town either. In nine seasons as a coordinator, Canada had never fielded an Off. S&P+ top 20 offense, and his average finish was 51.9. His first Pitt offense was 46th before his second surged to fourth.

Watson’s track record hasn’t been sterling either. Including his time at Texas — even though he was technically QBs coach and associate head coach, he was at worst a co-coordinator in Charlie Strong’s strange arrangement — he has spent 15 years as an OC with an average Off. S&P+ ranking of 45.7. Since ranking in the top 10 in 2007-08 at Nebraska, that average has ballooned to 64.9. At Louisville, with Teddy Bridgewater at QB, he peaked at 47th in 2013.

Narduzzi and Watson worked together at Miami (Ohio) 25 years ago, and apparently the bond was a good one.

For his struggles as an OC, Watson is still regarded as a good quarterbacks coach. In Peterman’s absence, the Panthers turn to either USC grad transfer Max Browne or sophomore Ben DiNucci. Whereas Peterman averaged 15.4 yards per completion in last year’s explosive offense, Browne and DiNucci combined to average just 8.6. And creating explosiveness will be a key now that Conner, a wonderful grinder in the backfield, is gone.

Photo by Justin Berl/Getty Images

Quadree Henderson

Then again, you don’t have to throw deep to Henderson for him to end up going deep. The 5’8 junior was one of the most thrilling players in the country, gaining 631 rushing yards in just 60 carries. One in five carries went for at least 20 yards, and while he lined up all over the field (he was also targeted with 42 passes), it appears he will begin as Pitt’s No. 1 receiver.

That leaves relative unknowns at running back, but there’s size and upside. Sophomore Chawntez Moss (5’11, 210) and juniors Darrin Hall (5’11, 220) and Qadree Ollison (6’2, 230) combined for 111 carries and 514 yards in 2016. That’s an average of just 4.6 yards per carry, 0.5 below Conner’s pace, but while Conner was far more explosive, this trio was actually more efficient. Plus, two incoming freshmen — Todd Sibley Jr. (5’9, 215) and A.J. Davis (6’0, 205) — are four-star prospects per the 247Sports Composite.

There’s quite a bit of potential in the backfield, and there’s even more up front. Losing Johnson and Bisnowaty hurts, but Piesman-winner O’Neill was a third-team all-conference selection, guards Alex Officer and Alex Bookser have combined for 51 career starts, and size won’t be a problem: the 10 players on the OL two-deep average 6’5, 319. Combined with the bigger backs, that’s quite a bit of meat.

Photo by Justin K. Aller/Getty Images

Brian O'Neill

The receiving corps could be a thrill as long as Weah and Henderson don’t get hurt.

Weah’s return gives the Panthers one sure big-play threat. He was one of the nation’s most underrated receivers, combining a 24.2 yards-per-catch average with a 51 percent success rate. He caught fewer than three passes per game but still nearly finished with 900 receiving yards. Henderson was a nice possession option near the line of scrimmage. The tight end position, meanwhile, has quite a bit of potential as well between four-star sophomore Chris Clark, senior Devon Edwards, Rutgers transfer Matt Flanagan, and incoming four-star Charles Reeves Jr.

Size isn’t an issue here either. Weah is 6’3, backup sophomore Aaron Mathews 6’4, and Reeves is listed at a whopping 6’5, 280.

A single injury could be devastating, though. After Weah and Henderson, Mathews, sophomore Maurice Ffrench, and junior Rafael Araujo-Lopes combined for just nine catches last year.

Defense

The offense has potential, but there’s almost nowhere to go but down. That means the defense will have to pick up the slack. Easier said than done.

A Narduzzi defense is nothing if not aggressive. He is willing to give up big plays in the name of making some. He wants to force college players to make plays college players typically can’t, and that’s great as long as he has the personnel. But his first two Pitt defenses ranked just 50th and 62nd in Def. S&P+. Last year’s Panthers made plays up front but gave up too many big plays; meanwhile, the pass defense was strangely conservative (and still gave up too many big plays).

Pitt allowed 213 gains of 10-plus yards (120th in FBS) and 24 of 40-plus (121st). And that was with Price and Soto up front. That duo combined for 33 tackles for loss and 17.5 sacks, and of the nine players to record at least 4.5 TFLs last season, six are gone.

Charles LeClaire-USA TODAY Sports

Rori Blair

The end position still has plenty of potential. Rori Blair and Allen Edwards combined for seven TFLs as complementary pieces, and four-star Tennessee transfer Dewayne Hendrix had a good enough spring to be listed as a starter. But there’s a massive void at DT, where the three leading tacklers are gone.

Shane Roy and Amir Watts combined for 6 tackles, and that’s the extent of your experience in the middle. Big things are expected of four-star redshirt freshman Keyshon Camp, but he’s still a redshirt freshman. There’s still plenty of size here, thanks to players like junior Mike Herndon (6’4, 315) and incoming freshman Jalen Twyman (6’2, 315), but there are no proven pieces.

There aren’t many at linebacker either; junior Oluwaseun Idowu is the only of last year’s top four tacklers to return, though senior Quintin Wirginis and sophomore Saleem Brightwell showed some potential in backup roles.

Vincent Carchietta-USA TODAY Sports

Avonte Maddox

Last year, opponents had to be wary of the run defense and took to the air. They ran just 49 percent of the time on standard downs (123rd in FBS) and 24 percent on passing downs (126th), a sign that there wasn’t much fear of the secondary. Maddox took advantage of the extra attention, combining for 8.5 TFLs and 11 passes defensed, but opponents still completed 64 percent of their passes with a 143.6 passer rating. Pitt basically turned every quarterback into Washington State’s Luke Falk (145.6).

Opposite Maddox will be some combination of sophomores Dane Jackson, Damar Hamllin, and Malik Henderson, junior Phillipie Motley, and redshirt freshman Therran Coleman. Blue-chip freshman Paris Ford could help, but he needs to secure his eligibility first.

Safety was less of an issue last year, but it remains unsure. Free safety Jordan Whitehead returns, and junior Dennis Briggs had 2.5 TFLs and a breakup and might be a play-maker. But once again, if someone gets hurt, there’s almost nothing proven after them.

Special Teams

Chris Blewitt made the biggest field goal of his life against Clemson but still left something to be desired from a consistency standpoint. Pitt ranked just 85th in field goal efficiency, and while punter Ryan Winslow’s leg was strong (42.6 average), the Panthers ranked just 103rd in punt efficiency because of an eight-yard return average.

When you grade poorly in those, you’re going to grade poorly in Special Teams S&P+. Pitt ranked 81st, losing about 0.4 points per game, despite Henderson’s superhuman averages (30.5 yards per kick return, 15.8 yards per punt return, four combined touchdowns). Winslow is back, but Blewitt is replaceable, and Pitt isn’t likely to fall further here.

2017 outlook

2017 Schedule & Projection Factors

Date Opponent Proj. S&P+ Rk Proj. Margin Win Probability 2-Sep Youngstown State NR 25.0 93% 9-Sep at Penn State 8 -16.0 18% 16-Sep Oklahoma State 22 -2.4 44% 23-Sep at Georgia Tech 31 -3.3 42% 30-Sep Rice 120 24.6 92% 7-Oct at Syracuse 60 2.3 55% 14-Oct N.C. State 27 0.9 52% 21-Oct at Duke 65 2.9 57% 28-Oct Virginia 70 10.7 73% 9-Nov North Carolina 38 3.8 59% 18-Nov at Virginia Tech 25 -5.7 37% 24-Nov Miami 18 -3.2 43%

Projected S&P+ Rk 33 Proj. Off. / Def. Rk 13 / 78 Projected wins 6.7 Five-Year S&P+ Rk 7.8 (35) 2- and 5-Year Recruiting Rk 33 / 41 2016 TO Margin / Adj. TO Margin* 1 / -0.4 2016 TO Luck/Game +0.5 Returning Production (Off. / Def.) 44% (44%, 44%) 2016 Second-order wins (difference) 8.2 (-0.2)

Ten years ago, Pitt pulled one of its biggest upsets ever, when a team that had lost seven of its last nine games went to Morgantown and took down No. 2 West Virginia, 13-9.

It was the biggest possible rivalry move — we can’t make anything of our season, but we’re going to destroy yours — and it was a springboard. Pitt went 19-7 over the next two seasons, their best two-year win total since 1981-82.

It’s hard to imagine that happening again following last year’s PSU and Clemson wins. The Panthers just have too much to replace. And that’s fine — sometimes it takes a while to get your classes balanced, and Narduzzi’s mentor experienced a third-year blip before he got rolling at Michigan State.

But as with UNC, newfound normalcy will be tested by a 2017 blip. If Pitt manages a top-40 performance and wins seven or eight games, that could set up a nice run in 2018 and beyond. This team doesn’t have many seniors, after all.

In the increasingly talented ACC, a top-40 performance could take on a lot of looks in the win column. S&P+ projects Pitt 33rd, which means three likely wins (Youngstown State, Rice, Virginia), one likely loss (at Penn State), and a whopping eight relative tossups with win probability between 37 and 59 percent. Pitt has played 14 one-possession games in two years; unless the Panthers fall further than expected, that average probably won’t go down.

That means 4-8 and 10-2 are technically on the table, depending on the bounces that eluded the Panthers for so many years.

Team preview stats

All power conference preview data to date.