#so if its sucks dont attack me
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at first getting diagnosed with cptsd was like, "yay my trauma has been validated (it always was valid)!" and i really thought that was going to be it, but then i started to do research as i do whenever i realize i have something and learned that!! the way i experience socialization is!! quite horrid actually!!
#i have had this stupid fucking rule for myself for years since i was little#''dont speak unless you're spoken to or else something bad will happen. nobody wants to hear what you have to say unless they ask''#I TELL MYSELF THAT ALL THE TIME????#AND I DIDNT REALIZE IT WASNT NORMAL#thats not something that healthy people think to themselves whenever they want to talk to people. they just talk to them#they dont tell themselves not to speak to people for fear of what may happen to them jesus christ spacie#i get so scared when i message anybody ANYTHING#bc everything and anything i wanna talk about feels so stupid why would anyone give a shit#staring at a funny joke i want to send someone for 30 fucking minutes before deleting it b/c my brain is like ''errmm who cares?''#''also they're going to yell at you for wasting their time!!!''#i sent my friend a meme once and had a panic attack (or maybe a flashback?? im still trying to figure out what they are) immediately after#this shit sucks dude. it sucks#at least im processing what happened to me. thats why it hurts so bad rn its been stockpiled for like.#2 decades#im not looking for any sympathy here im just putting it out there#so that anybody who feels the same way i do know they're not alone#ive been struggling everyday for like 2 months now (actually DEFINITELY longer)#it will get better. things just need to be taken one step at a time#i have gotten thru my worst days i have a 100% success rate#how many days have i been alive#7930#lightwork#lets keep it goin#vent#trauma tw#trauma mention#wrote this post thru a flashback btw!! dealing with them is getting easier#before i would be unable to function for days at a time!!!#with one of the most recent ones i had i was so in the thick of it i avoided everyone i knew for a week cuz i was convinced#i was an evil unlovable freak that only wanted to hurt people
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do you guys remember when Attack On Titan had a fucking Looney Tunes Babies style spin off where all the characters were in junior high and the titans were just bullies and eren was mad at them because they ate his hamburg steak and it was legitimately better than the original
#yui rambles#dont ask me why i randomly remembered#i often think about attack on titan#about how its first season was one of the most promising new shows at the time#it felt so refreshing and full of life and energy and ideas and something to say#and then you reach a certain point in the story and youre like#...huh this is weird#and you keep reading/watching and start wondering what's wrong#and then at a certain point it just hits you#and youre like woah! wait!#i get it!#the author is not a good writer!#this pacing sucks! the reveals suck!#i get it now! the beginning of the story was a fluke!#attack on titan's legacy was carried on an extremely promising intro section and a very competently made anime adaptation#but not even the sick art style and incredible action scenes could save a story so shoddily told imo#and then you reach the end and its like wow. so the thing you had to say was awful.#sorry i dont mean to swing at a hornets nest#i just think about it because when a story nosedives that hard its like. a case study for me#whatevs this is all my opinion no disrespect if you like it#but even if you like it i think you HAVE to be aware that the point being made with the story is a pretty fucking terrible one#anyway this post got fucking derailed in the tags lmao my point is attack on titan junior high was legit funny and had a better ending lmao
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Who was gonna tell me that Yonah FUCKS !!!!!!!!!
I finally sat down to watch it and sudddenly realized why it made people so upset with Kotoko -- it's "get the audience's ass" pt 2 (part one being Baptism of Fire)
What an Incredible, Precise, Scathing commentary on the public's view of punishment. On how we treat "justice" in the news when it's two parties we don't know. On how hypocritical we want justice but don't want our actions to have any consequences -- we want it to be done but we don't want it to be our fault. She makes a HUGE point about people ignoring mental stress and only feeling bad when people are physically suffering. Before getting attached, people did want the prisoners to get hurt and feel remorse. In real life people are constantly wishing pain onto wrongdoers so they change their ways.
She's making excellent points, as well as the voice drama overall emphasizing the fact that it's the right thing to do to get attached. She's 100% correct, but by framing her as a villain, Yamanaka encourages the audience that we should care about people. We should find out about everyone's lives and get attached before making judgements about them. This project remains about human understanding and love and I am amazed.
And from a character perspective, I just loved her view of the situation! I was worried from the bits of the vd people were posting that she was just going to be painted as a flat, villainous character, but she's so so deep. I love a character who will get their hands dirty to make a better world for the innocent characters they care about. And her speech when hugging Es really revealed how much that burden weighs on her. She isn't violent for fun. She doesn't enjoy it. But her heart is so broken by a world of injustice, she will take on this painful responsibility since she has the power to and others don't.
#milgram#yonah spoilers#finally sat down to listen to the whole thing and im going INSANE#its so fucking good#(i think it sucks she was going to beat up amane dont get me wrong but) honestly this really made me like kotoko so much more#she has a very keen eye for the way society works -- though shes only aware of the bad things which is where her mindset fails#she doesnt realize the good that attachment and forgiveness can do#but damn if she didnt speak the Truth about how people treat punishment and are hypocrites for calling her out on her attacks#AHHH#i was scared to watch it since i thought it was all going to paint her poorly but im so glad i finally did#kotoko yuzuriha#rose rambles
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imo skate is ok to be drawn skinny or at least fit bc he’s . skateboarding all the time that prolly keeps him active
however i do think we need more chubby sling ….. more chubby rocket …… fat vine staff ……. an angel gains its wings every time one of these characters are drawn
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#confession#mod sword#HI I DRAW CHUBBY SLING I DO I DO#i personally dont draw chubby rocket just bc i base him a little more on how mod rocket looks (and mod rocket is so fucking small SORRY#MOD ROCKET IF YOURE READING THIS ITS TRUE YOU ARE THE SIZE OF AN ANT dont beat me up in the winter pls)#ALSO YES FAT VINESTAFF!!!!!! i wont like hate on soda bc that kinda sucks but also i think everyone draws the phighters skinny bc soda does#and its like a “word of god” situation where they choose to believe thats how theyd actually look#but i havent rlly seen anyone attacked for drawing the phighters any specific way so thats nice :D!!
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in general i think im really tired of kirby antagonists that are like “ohhhh this is the main antagonist- actually they’re just being possessed and they’re not actually responsible for their actions at all”
#…. i think thats why fanon dedede has started to annoy me sm sorryyyyyyyy#but really its just annoying seeing people get hostile towards any interpretation of dedede thats not kirbys bestie or dad#and that he was only ever antagonistic because he was possessed#like no he sucked before and he slowly improved and helped kirby of his own accord later! theres a character arc!#and hes a rival to kirby and will fight him but he’ll fight for the greater good too#leongar was eh to me because i saw his deal coming from a mile away. i knew he was gonna be the decoy antagonist as soon as he was onscreen#i knew it was gonna be a corruption scenario again so i just didnt bother getting attached because i already knew his full arc#i think hyness is the one who truly irritates me the most though because hes the most disrespectful one and it weakens the whole game for me#like. i get what they were doing. the friend hearts purify everyone and bring out the best in everyone#and i dont really care for stuff thats like ‘these are Fundamentally Bad people and these are Fundamentally Good people’’#but god damn it you dont even play as the stupid motherfucker. cant he be the ONE example of someone you cant chuck a heart at?#we already get something satisfying in the ‘’we can save the worst people’’ department with the void battle#why cant kirby just offer the heart to hyness only for hyness to bitterly reject it and fly off#i wouldnt be this irritated if hyness wasnt portrayed as a literal abuser?? someone who takes advantage of other peoples love for him?#his boss fight literally reflects this with how he forcibly controls the mage sisters and uses their bodies as weapons and forces them into#friend attack combos against their will. he is someone using the jamba hearts power to use the people around him#it wouldve been so potent and harrowing to leave his character on that note. but nah he was also corrupted or whatever and hes Fundamentally#Good. dont think about it!#hes also way too similar to haltmann again which just rubs salt in the wound for me. except this time he doesnt die horribly. yay.#like goddamn at least susie wasnt literally being abused by haltmann. she was there of her own accord and had her own motives#like i dont find it tragic when zan is desperately trying to save hyness and bring him back or whatever. i think she should get the fuck out#i find it tragic for HER and not in the way the game intended#im aware im talking about a game for 5 year olds but still. if they were gonna try to tackle heavy shit then they should commit#or at least play it like the dark matter trilogy when the stories werent as insane#echoed voice
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I don't think I'm strong enough not to pull for bday sebek even tho I want to save for ch 7 cards...... bcause yea........
#text#i remember when I first got the game I had a wishlist w my faves and like#i realised how bad the chances are and yeeted it#halloween vil? in this economy?#masquerade or groom idia? HAH#wasted like half a pity in portfest and harveston each#n then decided NOPE ur either silsebe or u get NOTHING#n then general lilia and rollo cards dropped but IRRELEVANT!#I NEED SB TO HOLD ME BACK I LOVE BLOOM SEBEK SM#AND I JUST.. WANT THE OTHER 2 BCAUSE ITS SEBEK!!!!! TALKING ABT HIS FAM N SILVER N AUGH#but like ok consider. My luck is... questionable. I want to have a Full guarantee saved for the cards i want. Problem is.. including the#ones that havent been released yet but we know will happen soon ish(AND EXCLUDING bdays)... thats.....#like 7-9 cards....#so 1400-1800 pulls...#gaslighting myself into believing i dont want em but it doesnt work bcause i already DO THAT W MOST CARDS I WANT#deuce event cards... sniffle sob#i NEEED diasofam ch 7 AND rollo ok#NEED em#and equestrian club... personal attack... theres a chance they will suck n not even have horses so that would save me but also would b sad#gacha rambles#thats y u should enjoy this game as utube fan translations and nothing else
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wow god public school really did traumatize me didn't it
#spire rambles#spire screams#sometimes im like Ok but im not THAT traumatized everyone hates school!! and then uhm. yeah. this happens#'post critical of certain unstructured homeschooling approaches' should not be enough to almost give me a panic attack#but HERE WE ARE i fucking GUESS#look. i know these approaches probably aren't the best for the average kid but. um. well#yeah id probably learn more at public school but just the very Idea of sending me back there brings me to the verge of tears#i should probably make an active effort for more structured lessons but uhh. god. hard to do that when thinking about it is so fucking suck#i dont know if i can use the word 'trigger' i feel like its not. enough. to qualify for it. but. man. god fucking damn it
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been using this to fight most of my anxiety recently. "oh my god the room is spinning my heart is pounding I can't breath" your honor after reviewing the evidence, who gives a fuck lowkey. pop those shock mints and your dick and get on with your day soldier
#i make yet anothet post just for me 👍#if it makes me anxious i shouldnt have to do it ever actually im the worlds specialest little boy and i should be treated as such#im going insane in this school i am losing my mind#my mom gave me these strong ass sour ass mints to suck on whenever i start feeling like a meltdown or a panic attack#and ima be fr they worked for like a day i need something stronger#going insane over here. im constantly scared and shaking and i wish to be normal again (<- has never been normal a day in his life LMAO)#these classes and teachers and kids suck and i dont know why i cant handle them this year its just gotten so much worse outta NOWHERE#anyway worlds smallest vent (as in a little vent on the floor to make a joke out of) my bad 😔😔
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head in my hands
#i could just drop out i already have my degree i hate going to work#idont want to talk to anyone i dont want anyone to look at me i feel like a walking embarassment and a waste and i shouldnt liek even exist#im weird and stupid and miserable i cant get anything done ever i hate how pathetic i am#SOrry. guy who is havign a scary out of body expierence that is turning into a panic attack while he's trying to write an essay#and getting so fustartedted that he cant do it in this state that its making him want to do something drastic#this sucks this sucks so bad ihope i dont wake up or whatever who fucking cares#im fine whatever im fine i'll just do this stupid assigmenent before class at work tomorrow and try not to look anyone in the eye
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i need eddie to get another guy friend in season 8, and buck loses his shit about it (again), so he breaks up with t because he's convinced that the weird feeling he gets when he sees them together is because he is Really attracted to the new guy.
#like things with t are fine cuz he likes exploring this new side of himself even if t doesnt always match his energy but whatever its fun#and maybe at work chim is the one who brings up eddies new friend and he is immediately just. what new friend?#chim laughs and says. tbf last time eddie got a new friend you attacked him so you could date his friend. hes probably keeping it to himsel#and bucks like. dude what. that was. yeah it was shitty of me but it was a one time thing. i wont do it again...#and when eddie shows up for shift buck immediately asks about his new friend and eddie tells him about the guy without hesitation#after shift tho buck is like. why didnt you tell me about him? after t i get why you dont want to but im just. you dont have to worry man.#buck. i know. im not worried. anyway he and i are gonna head to a bar to catch the game. you want to come with? you can bring t if hes free#oh. thats. thatd be okay? i dont want to idk ruin the vibe by bringing a date#nah man. itll be fine#and so he and t go to the bar and eddies already inside with the new friend and its Fine. its Great actually because t gets along with eddi#and the new guy and the new guy makes eddie laugh and doesnt miss a beat and knows more about the teams record this season than buck and#buck is doing Fine. this guys smile is big and his eyes are bright and when he laughs he sorta leans into eddies space alittle and its Fine#the night ends and buck and t go back to his apartment and buck cant stop thinking about that guys hand when it clapped down on eddies#shoulder or the look on his face as he teased eddie about the beer he drinks (cuz its kinda bad but only buck can say that) and buck Cant.#he wants that guy. he wants his hands and grin and teasing voice all to himself and not on eddie.#so he breaks up with t and ts confused af cuz i thought things were going good?#yeah. i just. i want to explore my options yk now that ive uh figured out i like men.#and its a clean break. not dramatic or messy. t tells him to call if he every changes his mind. buck wont.#bucks trying to not pry about eddies new friend and he doesnt grill eddie or anyone and just waits and listens to all the new info he gains#and eventually eddie invites him out to watch another game because whatever team they were watching made it to the playoffs#and when he gets there eddies like. no t tonight?#nah we. uh. we broke up.#eddie says sorry man that sucks. and the new guy is like. honestly he didnt even seem that into you which what an idiot. youre great.#and its good because the new guy splits his attention between the two of them now. eddie isnt the only one getting hands and grins and eyes#and the third time theyre at the bar the guy follows him to bathroom and kisses him hard against the door before pulling back with a#panicked sorry and leaving and when buck finds eddie after hes like. what happened? new guy ran out of here without even saying goodbye#he kissed me in the bathroom. i think uh. i think he was kinda freaking out about it and thats why he left.#and eddie just blinks at him before being like. buck. buck you said you werent going to do this again.#i didnt mean to! and buck means it. he just saw the way that guy made eddie laugh and put his hands on eddie and had eddies attention and#oh.
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Sometimes I really don't understand popular artists
#still miffed about a popular artist not adding my attack to their ocs th profile#AND THEN SELLING THE OC#this specific artist mostly sells designs and like. never keeps an oc so i should have expected this#but its still like. ?!?!? when popular artists dont acknowledge attacks#and then sell ocs that got a fair amount of attacks#like idk it kinda made me sad cuz i worked hard on it and thought it looked cute. why are you selling him to 1D#every popular artist ive attacked has like not commented on it. which like. I Get It#it can be overwhelming to comment on every attack but it still sucks to think you made it look really cool#and then get kinda ignored#idk! in the end idc but i unfortunately sometimes Give A Fuck
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hey guys
#vent#just... gimmie a sec im gonna put it in the tags i cant find the readmore on my phone rn#im havin a straight up not good time but not the worst in the house!#the worst is my cat. whose old and dying. and i have no money to put to sleep to fuckin put us both outta this misery#typical. she cant get a heart attack and go fast like my moms dog#shes gotta wail and be ill for a month while im recovering from one surgery and trying to get ready for the next#its also an amazing time for my ocd that i learned i have from artists on hear explaining what it is to send me into spirals#over germs. but shes just 20 with teeth and respiratory issues her whole life and been struggling with constipation#so i KNOW how shes dying. shes backed up and hungry and dehydrated but feeling bloated still and not eating or drinking.#shes probably got arthritis and has been moving like a geriatric for a while but its to the point now she wont even lay down. shes just#perched on a pile of towels in the bathroom dozing and occasionally crying for me to come pet her. im so fuckin tired#and theres nothing i can do! the vet i could find a timeslot for in a reasonable time said 500$. so thats cool. im paying 1000$ for me in#a week for my stuff and its just. god all she and i are doing is crying and it sucks ass#she wants company for comfort and i dont blame her - so the fuck do i!#but i cant sit in the bathroom with her my damn legs keep going numb. and my roomate 1) cant emotionally buoy me thru this#and 2) has a long work day tomorrow and its already mad late. sigh#dont try to offer me condolences ive worked thru her dying already its just now we're botb exhausted in the form its taking#if anything i just need another distraction to keep me from spiraling over something again#edit: ARUGH AND THE OTHER CAT THROWING UP IN THE OTHER ROOM. GOD DAMN IT#the younger one has so many allergies and wont stop fucking eating things off the floor babygirl i am BEDRIDDEN you gotta stop eating shit#off the floor!!!!!!!! you have specialty food for a reason!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#awesome it was right in my bed
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every time I get an asthma attack from existing in an indoor public place because someone is smoking they should have to pay for the $75 of asthma meds I take every month.
(disclaimer – I fully support the decriminalization and legalization of marijuana. i just also support the right for people with respiratory disabilities and sensitivities to exist)
#personal#vent#im on a FUCKING TRAIN. while im WEARING A MASK#its so easy to NOT SMOKE ON A TRAIN#im fine but my lungs are just gonna be uncomfy for the next two and a half hours.#if its outside its fine i can just move even if im annoyed#but whyyyyyy do so many people think its okay to smoke inside all of a sudden????#if you need to smoke weed for anxiety i get it bro. but there are options that dont involve putting people at actual medical risk#i had someone tell me it wasnt a big deal once and i got to pull the “i have medically recorded lung damage from covid” card#anyways if youre a smoker cool but please be nice to people with respiratory disabilities. having asthma attacks suck.#i like being in cities but ive learned with how bad my asthma is i just usually have to leave my mask on while im walking around#which is a good practice regardless#i just wish i didnt HAVE to just because of The Smoke and Smells#and btw YES weed smell and smoke can trigger asthma attacks just as much as cigarette smoke!!!!! if not more so for me#same with strong perfumes and stuff#my posts
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my favourite headcanon for glass sorenson is that she came down with farm station and watched them murder luke right in front of her eyes (or kidnap him or something cause i love tragic lovers but she deserves to be happy) and so she’s one of the first people to join pike’s militia and turn vengeful, and her best friend wells (he lives too cause this is my canon now) is trying to get through to her but she won’t hear it cause all she wants is justice and to get her oldest friend clarke griffin out of polis and away from harm (they’re friends too fight me on this i dare you)
(also sorry about the tags i didn’t know i had that rant in me 😭😭)
#the 100#the 100 novels#kass morgan#glass sorenson#please explain to me why she wasn’t in the show#actually dont i dont want excuses 😭😭#shes my babyyyyy#and this is my favourite headcanon for her#i think that after everything that happened to her she deserved to stab someone#i also think having someone explicitly in the younger main cast who was affected by the farm station massacre would help highlight why they#refused to trust grounders and wanted vengeance for what happened to them#because it feels like the show was going for a whole black and white youre wrong thing#which sucked#cause you literally hear hannah and pike say that the CHILDREN who were just PLAYING IN THE SNOW were the first to die#and then the writers are like but how DARE they want retribution#also im sorry but lexa was so stupid to think the ice queens body would be enough#everyone was so for jus drein jus daun but when they demanded the grounders responsible it was literally never adressed#and they didn’t even see the ice queen die#lexa just wanted to hand them her body and be like okay its done now stop causing problems#also she did literal shit to help because a whole ass SEASON later some of farm station are still alive being held as SLAVES by the ones#who attacked them#and if the main group didnt go after the ship for ita resources they would have died their in praimfaya or died through the labour#like please explain to me why the writers just brushed this aside and then made BELAMY the guy who lost someone he loved and was manipulate#the villain of that season like the fuck????????#not saying they had a right to go around massacring villages im not an idiot that was too far but the people who are like oh they were#murdering children how could they 😔😔#like the grounders didnt kill children FIRST and get NO FUCKING CONSEQUENCES pisses me off to no end#also im really supposed to see skaikru as villains fot wanting vengeance when literally 99.99% of the grounders we meet wanted it and the#ones who didnt DIED for chosing peace because the rest refused to abadon violence like titus and lincoln literally say lexa would DIE for#wanting peace and changing her ways cause her people would MURDER her and yet skaikru were evil for wanting justice
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hm. I just realized how weird it was that every year in school we had to have a moment of silence on 9/11 to remember the victims, and everyone took it really seriously. But when we had a designated time set for going outside and having a few minutes for the Parkland shooting victims our teacher told us “I don’t want to see any of you leaving my class for that. You don’t even understand what you’re protesting.”
Not that I would have known where to go for it anyway. They didnt really tell us where outside we would be gathering.
I wish i had stepped out that day anyways.
We have a god damn school shooting every fucking day in this country and I couldnt even take 17 minutes one fucking time to mourn with my classmates because the gun owners would’ve felt attacked.
#Meow.#Fuck the anthem. Fuck the pledge of allegiance#Fuck every stupid shithead conservative who made me feel ashamed or selfish for wanting better in this god forsaken place#Fuck America. Fuck your dumbass patriotism#Sick of this shit#I cant look at any comments on reports of school shootings because people dont even say ‘that really sucks’ anymore#Its immediately people jumping to the defense of guns and shitting on people who want some stricter regulations or something#‘I need my gun incase we have to overthrow the government’#like hey you dingdong. you know that military and police force you keep supporting and saying we need to strengthen?#your AR 15 isnt going to do shit against their tanks and jets and bombs. You’d be dead within seconds. gun or no gun#But then again their idea of anarchy and an attack on the country would involve queers getting bodily autonomy so#I feel like im going fucking crazy#I need to kick in every conservatives head. Every single one.#Sick of trying to be the tolerant left I need to kill now#Im so tired of being nice.#So tired of tiptoe-ing around shit just to keep people who couldnt care less about me comfortable.#When is it my turn to be an asshole?#When do I get say 'I have no atrong feeling as to whether you live or die. but if i had to choose I would wish you dead in an instant.'#Im tired of mercy. tired of grace.#tired of being one of the good ones.#i want to be exactly what they think of us but worse#sick of shoveling dirt into a bottomless void just to find some middle ground for them to spit on
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i will say arguments online did get a lot easier once i started learning to just directly say when people are misinterpreting things, to the point i hesitate to even call most of them arguments anymore? like it's easy to get caught up in responding to the other person as if their interpretation of what you said was correct because you do still disagree with their conclusion based on that, but like once you point out that there was a misinterpretation involved it becomes a lot easier for people to then follow that to "maybe the fact you had to misinterpret me to make those arguments says something about them too"
#like. idk how to explain this right but i guess like#the shame of 'i yelled at someone for no reason and feel bad about it' helps break down the walls around an idea?#moreso at least than the shame of 'you think my opinions are bad'#bc that one doesnt inspire shame so much as anger/indignation#and whether their opinions objectively suck or not‚ people do not like to listen to people they feel like are attacking them#and we can argue back and forth forever on whether its ok for them to ignore moral criticism because it wasnt said nicely enough#but that won't really change anything#like. tone policing bad‚ yes‚ but also as ive said before all the sound theory in the world wont make people actually listen#so if your goal really is to get people to listen then like. you should be prepared to meet them halfway#they shouldnt expect politeness but you also shouldn't expect a positive response if you're mean#because that expectation simply . is not realistic#or i guess it's just like. 'dont force me to be perfectly nice' ≠ 'let me be as mean as i want with no consequences'#origibberish
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