#so if i got diagnosed with both adhd and an anxiety disorder at the same time it makes perfect sense to me that

[cyncerity]

AAAA HOLY SHIT VENT TIME OK

(not super serious i just wanted to complain real quick)

tldr for all of this is that there’s a diagnosis that i’ve had for what i can only assume has been years and no one told me till yesterday, despite it being linked to problems im having rn :)

I WAS ON A ZOOM THERAPY MEETING YESTERDAY AND I WAS RETAKING MY LITTLE “DO YOU HAVE DEPRESSION/ANXIETY” TESTS AND OH MY GOD

ok so the depression one is irrelevant but the anxiety one was kinda low so my therapist said “your test scores are surprisingly low for someone with adhd and an anxiety disorder, maybe your meds are helping with that” FOR SOMEONE WITH A WHAT NOW

IVE APPARENTLY HAD A DIAGNOSED ANXIETY DISORDER THIS WHOLE TIME?? HUH???

truth be told i wouldn’t even care if it weren’t for the fact that i’ve been suspecting i have something called “dermatillomania,” aka excoriation disorder, which basically means i obsessively pick at my skin and i’m now covered in scars mostly at my shoulders and arms.

and the thing with dermatillomania is that it’s generally an anxiety related mental illness.

i’ve always thought “well since i generally don’t have anxiety and it’s an anxiety related issue, i must be misdiagnosing myself. I know i have adhd, but this is more closely related to ocd, which is an anxiety issue i don’t have, even if it is commonly associated with adhd. if it’s not related to my psychologic problems, it must be something i can easily get over and im just not trying hard enough.” BUT NO I DO HAVE AN ANXIETY THING AND IT IS LINKED TO THAT WHICH MEANS THAT THIS LIKELY IS AN ACTUAL DISORDER AND NOT JUST SOMETHING I CAN TALK MYSELF OUT OF.

GODAMMIT

AMERICAN HEALTHCARE SYSTEM WHY DO YOU REFUSE TO TELL ME THESE THINGS

[aspd-culture]

Sorry ig in advance since you get questions a lot but got curious about a few things

1. Is it normal for pwASPD to view unbeneficial relationships as chores? I know I, a likely prosocial, when I don't see the benefit in a relationship, I have to view it as being a chore to continue it.

2. If a connection is established between harming others and being harmed, will a pwASPD, for lack of a better term, be able to mimic empathy or remorse?

3. Do you know if pwASPD and another comorbid disorder, if the other disorder causes already low or fragile self esteem (like another cluster B), can seem like they don't have ASPD?

These are mostly for project research but also out of curiosity because I can

Nothing to be sorry for!!/gen

1.) Oh yes. So very, very much yes. And honestly, it's even worse than a chore - more like if a dead-end job decided to stop paying you but you'd go to jail if you quit. If you've ever seen a kid stuck dress shopping with their mother on TV, that's the way I would like to act through every single interaction with an equal part useless and annoying but unavoidable prosocial irl. Every single non-Exception prosocial is that coworker you hate who won't leave you alone./hj Joking aside, not all prosocials are actually that annoying actually. So it kind of depends; sometimes it's fine at least for me.

2.) Yeah, I'd say so. This goes differently for all of us, but for the most part "connection formed" would probably go in the direction of an Exception, and that's where some symptoms of ASPD are lessened for those of us that have them. That includes often having some degree of effective empathy and/or a desire to work on cognitive empathy with them in particular (I use them as practice to make the necessary use of cognitive empathy less annoying with non-Exceptions). Ditto with remorse for some pwASPD, though for me in particular that depends on the Exception in question. Some still do not bring out remorse in me for whatever reason. This is a good place to note that actually, since I don't think I've mentioned this elsewhere. Exceptions do not all have to be the same even for the same pwASPD. Two friends may have different symptoms they alleviate vs don't affect vs worsen, and of course platonic vs sexual vs romantic Exceptions often vary in that as well. For me and a few other pwASPD I've met, this may also occur with some groups of people who aren't Exceptions but cause an Exception-esque response. For me, kids get that as most do other people struggling with mental health disorders beyond just depression and anxiety (nothing easy about those two it's just in our current world most people have those). If I hurt a kid's feelings, 25/10 times I am going to cry with them or force myself not to. And that will vary for each pwASPD based on how much social neurological development was completed before it was fundamentally changed and started developing antisocially too. Some of us have more empathy than others, or more remorse than others (and vice versa) in general, so that'll impact those situations too.

3.) So this depends on what you define as "seem like they don't have ASPD", though it won't be self-esteem that affects that. Generally I'd point that more in the direction of NPD. But yeah, looking at the symptoms of ASPD, there are a few specific disorders that cause someone who very much has ASPD to not be diagnosed and/or believed both professionally and personally. In personal relationships, it's honestly just not being a serial k*ller that will get most to think you don't have it. Professionally, you're looking at disorders that cause social problems (such as autism, SAD - social anxiety, and GAD - generalized anxiety), impulse control (ADHD mostly), emotional instability (bipolar disorder, IED - intermittent explosive, ODD - oppositional defiance, and yeah your other cluster b PDs). There are others that make a whole lot less sense imo to get in the way of an ASPD diagnosis too. Schizophrenia comes to mind, with some professionals thinking that it's just... so many episodes of psychosis that it starts to look like ASPD which, don't even get me started on how much of a medical failure it is that I have heard of that specific thing happening. But mostly, it's going to be the ones I listed previously. None of these are mutually exclusive with ASPD, but they have symptoms that overlap with or mimic ASPD's, and so you'll have genuinely good professionals who are trying to avoid over/misdiagnosis where it applies to a *very* stigmatized disorder, and you'll have lazy ones that don't care to try and pick out which it is if not both. That will all just depend on the pwASPD's presentation of symptoms. I had more than one professional refuse to believe I had ASPD, and my (very lovely and dilligent/gen) psychiatrist was also leaning to just diagnose autism until I said some line about the reason I try for social interaction not being because I want to but because everyone has to to be able to get what they need in life. Once she realized I see it as an irritating requirement to associate with other people - even ones I kind of like - she quickly turned on that and diagnosed both. That's why it's important to speak openly and with as much of the mask removed as possible without getting yourself in trouble. They will try and avoid labelling you with something like this unless they are 1000% sure because of its connotations and the social and professional implications of having ASPD. It is very possible to pick out which is which or if it's more than one with overlap in regards to any set of comorbidities even outside of ASPD, but it takes a lot of work for that to be done properly especially if you're still masking in front of them.

I have no issue with anyone asking just out of curiosity by the way. Seriously like I guess I see why some people feel weird about it, but genuine interest is the reason why disorders get looked into, researched, and potentially normalized and accepted. There is nothing wrong with being interested in any topic as long as you're respectful in your interactions with sensitive subjects, and this ask was completely respectful, so I'm happy to answer it./gen

Plain text below the cut:

Nothing to be sorry for!!/gen

1.) Oh yes. So very, very much yes. And honestly, it's even worse than a chore - more like if a dead-end job decided to stop paying you but you'd go to jail if you quit. If you've ever seen a kid stuck dress shopping with their mother on TV, that's the way I would like to act through every single interaction with an equal part useless and annoying but unavoidable prosocial irl. Every single non-Exception prosocial is that coworker you hate who won't leave you alone./hj Joking aside, not all prosocials are actually that annoying actually. So it kind of depends; sometimes it's fine at least for me.

2.) Yeah, I'd say so. This goes differently for all of us, but for the most part "connection formed" would probably go in the direction of an Exception, and that's where some symptoms of ASPD are lessened for those of us that have them. That includes often having some degree of effective empathy and/or a desire to work on cognitive empathy with them in particular (I use them as practice to make the necessary use of cognitive empathy less annoying with non-Exceptions). Ditto with remorse for some pwASPD, though for me in particular that depends on the Exception in question. Some still do not bring out remorse in me for whatever reason. This is a good place to note that actually, since I don't think I've mentioned this elsewhere. Exceptions do not all have to be the same even for the same pwASPD. Two friends may have different symptoms they alleviate vs don't affect vs worsen, and of course platonic vs sexual vs romantic Exceptions often vary in that as well. For me and a few other pwASPD I've met, this may also occur with some groups of people who aren't Exceptions but cause an Exception-esque response. For me, kids get that as most do other people struggling with mental health disorders beyond just depression and anxiety (nothing easy about those two it's just in our current world most people have those). If I hurt a kid's feelings, 25/10 times I am going to cry with them or force myself not to. And that will vary for each pwASPD based on how much social neurological development was completed before it was fundamentally changed and started developing antisocially too. Some of us have more empathy than others, or more remorse than others (and vice versa) in general, so that'll impact those situations too.

3.) So this depends on what you define as "seem like they don't have ASPD", though it won't be self-esteem that affects that. Generally I'd point that more in the direction of NPD. But yeah, looking at the symptoms of ASPD, there are a few specific disorders that cause someone who very much has ASPD to not be diagnosed and/or believed both professionally and personally. In personal relationships, it's honestly just not being a serial k*ller that will get most to think you don't have it. Professionally, you're looking at disorders that cause social problems (such as autism, SAD - social anxiety, and GAD - generalized anxiety), impulse control (ADHD mostly), emotional instability (bipolar disorder, IED - intermittent explosive, ODD - oppositional defiance, and yeah your other cluster b PDs).

There are others that make a whole lot less sense imo to get in the way of an ASPD diagnosis too. Schizophrenia comes to mind, with some professionals thinking that it's just... so many episodes of psychosis that it starts to look like ASPD which, don't even get me started on how much of a medical failure it is that I have heard of that specific thing happening. But mostly, it's going to be the ones I listed previously. None of these are mutually exclusive with ASPD, but they have symptoms that overlap with or mimic ASPD's, and so you'll have genuinely good professionals who are trying to avoid over/misdiagnosis where it applies to a very stigmatized disorder, and you'll have lazy ones that don't care to try and pick out which it is if not both. That will all just depend on the pwASPD's presentation of symptoms. I had more than one professional refuse to believe I had ASPD, and my (very lovely and dilligent/gen) psychiatrist was also leaning to just diagnose autism until I said some line about the reason I try for social interaction not being because I want to but because everyone has to to be able to get what they need in life. Once she realized I see it as an irritating requirement to associate with other people - even ones I kind of like - she quickly turned on that and diagnosed both. That's why it's important to speak openly and with as much of the mask removed as possible without getting yourself in trouble. They will try and avoid labelling you with something like this unless they are 1000% sure because of its connotations and the social and professional implications of having ASPD. It is very possible to pick out which is which or if it's more than one with overlap in regards to any set of comorbidities even outside of ASPD, but it takes a lot of work for that to be done properly especially if you're still masking in front of them.

I have no issue with anyone asking just out of curiosity by the way. Seriously like I guess I see why some people feel weird about it, but genuine interest is the reason why disorders get looked into, researched, and potentially normalized and accepted. There is nothing wrong with being interested in any topic as long as you're respectful in your interactions with sensitive subjects, and this ask was completely respectful, so I'm happy to answer it./gen

[drdemonprince]

Hey Devon,

I've been thinking a lot lately about the idea of there being a hard line between "autistic" and "not autistic". Do you think that there exists some kind of innate Truth about each person, that they are either autistic or not? I guess I'm referring to the concept of a neurotype, where differences run deep, and are bridged only at a surface level, by masking/compensation. Something which, if we could measure it well enough, would clearly and unfailingly differentiate between autistic and non-autistic people.

The alternative, I suppose, is that there are grey areas, people who are in between. In that case, I struggle to understand what autism is - a category that's defined by society more than by physical reality? In that case, can you be sort-of-autistic or almost-autistic or barely-autistic? I have the sense that this is the more common situation when it comes to psychology, but it doesn't really line up with how we talk about autism.

I already went through all this with gender some years ago, and I got the answers I needed there by slowly transitioning, but I'm not sure if there's a similarly satisfying path to closure when it comes to autism. I mean, I'm both self- and formally-diagnosed anyway, but it does niggle at me. I feel like I'm in that grey area if it exists.

Keen to hear your thoughts!

I think this article about sums up my thoughts!

There is no blood test for Autism, or brain scan, or single gene we can look for, or objective measure that gives a definitive answer. All we have are flawed assessments created by non-Autistic mental health professionals, and the observations and critiques written by Autistic people themselves.

When someone comes to me wondering if they are Autistic, I always have the same advice: read writing by Autistics. Watch videos by Autistic people. Try out resources designed for Autistics, like Ear Defenders, stim toys, and weighted blankets. Join an Autistic community space, whether that’s a virtual meeting, an in-person one, or a social media hub. Explore the possibilities, and focus less on discovering objective “truth,” and more on finding what helps you feel more happy, connected, and whole.

I don’t believe in drawing an arbitrary line in the sand and saying a sufficient number of traits (or intensity of traits) makes someone categorically Autistic, especially considering that many undiagnosed Autistics have been forced to hide their more obvious traits for decades. If you have some Autistic traits but not others, it’s possible you have generalized anxiety, PTSD, OCD, social anxiety, or ADHD. Look into those disorders and their communities too. See if there are resources that are useful to you there. You can be promiscuous — we won’t get jealous. A lot of us have multiple conditions anyway. Or feel at home in multiple mental health communities, if you prefer.

As your question acknowledges, Autism is a spectrum. Or as others have written, a sundae bar with a variety of toppings. If you are somewhere on the spectrum, you’re on the spectrum; you don’t have to be the most intensely Autistic person around to count. Even if you actually have a “sister condition” like ADHD, you might still feel at home among Autistic folks, and if that’s the case, you belong too.

I have said this many times, but people need the reassurance very often: if you feel at home in the community, if you benefit from resources designed by and for Autistic people, if you recognize you share common interests with us and you want to fight alongside us for greater disability justice, you belong in the neurodiverse community. Full stop. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

You can use whatever words for yourself you feel most comfortable with, Anon, or you can just enter neurodiverse community spaces without claiming a label. You don’t owe anyone proof, and you don’t have to be “Autistic enough” to matter and belong here. We are stronger together. We’re a big, diverse rainbow, and you are welcome inside it.

In other words, I think the conclusion is very much the same one we arrive at re: queerness. The real question is never "is this individual person Autistic", it's "are all people harmed by the social mandate that we all be neurotypical" and the answer to that one is always yes. How we personally reconcile that fact wrt our own lives and how we choose to identify is up to us. we can really answer that personal question however we like.

[kaz-oooo]

“This is why the term queer is so ungodly stupid. You got things like transgender, gay, nonbinary, intersex and asexual all lumped together”

Anyway, you see why that’s stupid right? Like queer and LGBT+ are umbrella terms used to encapsulate a wide range of different communities that face similar issues. Nobody is saying the that gay people need the same resources as transgender people, and vice versa. But both gay people and transgender people know what it’s like to be forced to hide your identity from a world that thinks you’re sick and deluded for simply choosing to express your sexuality/gender differently.

Anyway. Now take the word “queer” and replace it with “neurodivergent” and take that big list of LGBT+ identities I gave and change it to “down syndrome, epilepsy, ADHD, PTSD, dyslexia, and generalised anxiety disorder”

Yes, people with epilepsy have very different needs to people with PTSD, but that’s not what an umbrella term is for. Epilepsy effects your neurology. So does PTSD. That’s it. That’s the link. That’s all there is to it. There’s not some big conspiracy about kids on tiktok diagnosing themselves with neurodivergent and taking resources away from people in need.

Anyway, shout out to that guy on tiktok for having the dumbest take ever!

[void-galaxy-shenanigans]

Just realized I didn’t update on here, so....I have an announcement for y’all.

We’re officially diagnosed with D.I.D., on paper.

We’re having to switch therapists (they’re going to a new clinic 😭), so we got to know what all is dx. Our therapist went over it like ‘this is diagnosed, ¿what do you want them to know about this? ¿what do you still need help with?’. Obviously some of it we knew; they told us ADHD & bipolar were both on there, & PTSD. Those are necessary for our meds.

But they’ve now added on “unspecified anxiety disorder”* (not surprised) & D.I.D. - it’s official.

(* I’m pretty sure, now that the PTSD is medicated, that it’s social anxiety disorder. If I understand the diagnoses correctly. It’s that or generalised/GAD.)

We were medically recognised/confirmed by our first therapist, our second therapist, & our psychiatrist. (We’re now moving to our third therapist (same psychiatrist).)

We knew we were right. But wow is it different to hear/see it diagnosed.

So...yeah. It’s now officially, medically diagnosed. We have the certification from our psychological team. We’re recognised & diagnosed with plurality/D.I.D. now.

I’ve still been processing. We found out 2 weeks ago. But...holy shit. It’s real. It’s on paper now 😅.

(I know I keep repeating myself, I’m still a bit in shock that we actually got it on paper. It usually takes up to 15 years...but we’re now at year 2 of therapy & got a good team, so we’re recognised and getting the help we need.)

~Nico💜

[theflannelwizard]

Oops, I lied about sending all my questions in one, I thought of an actually specific question and not just a super general one five seconds after sending the ask:

Do you have any neurodivergent hcs for Buster and Gob(or other characters if you hc anyone else as neurodivergent)?

This is such a good question!! Okay!! It got long so I'm putting it under the cut, but TLDR: undiagnosed comorbid autistm and ADHD for both of them plus ADHD Tony Wonder :) I forced myself not to get into it with the rest of the Bluths cause this post would be a mile long but i did put cursory thoughts about them in the tags. All of this is spitballing and I'm definitely open to hearing other opinions!

Whatever is going on with Buster’s brain is the same thing that’s going on with my brain, so most likely ADHD and/or autism but DEFINITELY undiagnosed. None of the Bluths have the diagnoses they need and if someone (Tobias) tries to so much as allude to them being neurodivergent in front of George Sr. and/or Lucille it gets shut down immediately.

Anyway Buster reads more autistic than ADHD to me but it could be either or both. He has trouble reading other people’s emotions and regulating his own, he’s “strange” and “childish” in ways that are direct responses to how he was raised but also just read as neurodivergent, he’s got safe foods and takes things literally and has no clue how to read social cues and stims and gestures vaguely at all of him is just so very ND. Also the thing with ADHD-havers being randomly struck with bouts of guilt or self loathing? I think that’s him. ADHD was recently reclassified as an anxiety disorder, too, which we know full well is Buster, and it would not surprise me if his panic and anxiety attacks were brought on by sensory overload and RSD and other ADHD things at least some of the time.

As for GOB, I think he’s got the same deal but he reads more ADHD than autistic. I think they both have both but it presents differently in each of them. I’m fully on board with both magic and bees being special interests for that man, and he also just moves and talks and interacts with people in a very neurodivergent way. The stuttering when he’s overwhelmed is, to me, adjacent to (if not straight up being) him going nonverbal. He definitely has RSD too, look at how devastated he is when anyone rejects him ever. And I wouldn’t be surprised if he was bipolar, getting manic when he’s really into a project and then falling into depression for weeks or months at a time.

And, just as a bonus, I think Tony Wonder has ADHD. He recognizes it in GOB and helps him with learn to function in a healthier happier way and his siblings are so confused cause GOB just magically started getting more normal?? Except it’s not magic (and it’s not an illusion lmao) it’s just coping mechanisms. Tony’s been collecting them from various therapists for like 30 years. He has no clue how anyone in this family thinks they’re neurotypical.

[odyssey-xxartsy]

Hey. 💗✨

Probably should have done this introduction stuff months ago but never really thought about it until now. So, here we go.

Name:

Odyssey/Ody/Alannah

Born:

12th July, 1999

Star sign:

Cancer

Age:

25

Pronouns:

She/her

Nationality:

Irish (and I still live in Ireland)

Skin tone:

White/Caucasian

Sexuality:

Bisexual

◉◉◉◉◉◉◉◉◉◉◉◉◉◉◉◉◉◉◉◉◉◉◉◉◉◉◉◉◉◉◉

Likes:

Music (Gorillaz, Franz Ferdinand, The Chemical Brothers, yunè pinku, Kate Bush, Coldplay, Blur, etc.), art, water colours, pastel colours, cats, rabbits, horses, flowers, movies (mostly horror/supernatural/animated/comedy movies), anime (just got back into it with "Bungo Stray Dogs" after 5 years of not watching any), the works of Tim Burton (mostly his films, but back in November, I started watching "Wednesday"), supernatural beings, photography, chocolate - dark chocolate too, coffee, latte, cappuccino, hot chocolate, bowling, the colour purple, pizza, Chinese food, Indian food, burgers, noodles/ramen, Identity V, Helluva Boss, Hazbin Hotel, Scott Pilgrim stuff, arcade games and air hockey.

Dislikes:

Country music, opera music, tea, spicy food, golf, football (the European kind, but yeah, pretty sure the American version counts too), rugby, heights, overcrowded places, social situations (I have social anxiety disorder, ever since I was a kid - I always feel too overwhelmed and stuck for words) - this especially goes for speaking in front of people or presenting something to them, swimming (almost drowned once on holidays, I slipped on the pool floor and fell under for a few seconds - I was terrified), seafood, art stealers and tracers, being alone or left out and spiders.

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

Extra Information:

I'm a very creative person. Got a head filled with tons of art ideas ever since I was a little girl. I only do traditional art right now and currently use an app called "Snapseed" to edit them. Hopefully, one day, I'll be able to do digital art. 😊🤞🏻

I also love taking pictures, sometimes, of myself (yeah, selfies). Mostly though, I prefer taking pictures of anything around me. Usually ends up being street, nature and/or landscape photography. Been interested in it for well over six years. 📸

Been interested in anything supernatural for the past decade now. Which ends up being my favourite kind of horror movie/TV show genre. Animated or not. My family thinks I have a problem. 😆

I may have OCD and ADHD. I'm not exactly sure, since I was never diagnosed. But I feel like I have both. There's definitely something going on in my head that itches if I don't do this or that. Or if something feels out of place. 😣

By the way, I fully support the LGBTQ+ community, given the fact that I'm of course, a part of it myself. So, any hate expressed towards the community, I definitely don't tolerate it. Not even on my profile. Anyone who expresses such hate will be blocked and reported.

The same thing goes for racism and any hate towards any religion, and even someone's culture. Blocked and reported. Everyone is accepted here.

✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭

If anyone has any questions, anything you guys want to know about me that I didn't mention here, feel free to ask. Nothing inappropriate though. Keep it SFW.

Thank you. ♥︎♥︎

[innocencelives]

continuing retrospectives: whats new, and what has always been —infinite reflections on the truth

past few months have been hard, the episode is ongoing bc insurance and doctors have failed at getting me on a new med. a month ago i finally got prescribed a new one and im still trying to figure out how to get my insurance to pay for it, they have arbitrary rules abt what meds to take with other meds.

the episode is…all over the place. the depression is obviously the most excruciating, silent and unknowingly creeping its way through my veins until its all ive known and all i ever will know-until it ends, also silent, also unknowingly. the anxiety: paranoia more like, intense paralyzing social fear that defies all logic and lapses into absurdity but never stretches into psychosis or delusion. never. terrible, painful bodily fear that everything i do is wrong and everyone knows it. im eating nachos wrong, im walking wrong, my hair, my sweater, my face, im moving my hands wrong, there all thinking it, your friends think it, the stranger across the street he thinks it. everytime i ask my friends “wtf are u talking abt we love you your acting the same as always!” (hands shaking as i throw the nachos away bc im spilling all over myself and consider it too hard to continue).

the sleep, oh my god the sleep. i dont think there is a human on earth with a sleep schedule as erratic and random and life-ruining as mine. slept 20 hours a day for 4 days, then i couldnt sleep an hour a day for a few days. slept all day-up all night, slept in two 6 hour shifts, cant fall asleep, cant wake up, cant stay asleep, cant stay awake, cant be remotely normal. the fatigue, and the brain fog is worse than losing a limb. i know i know that sounds mad, its how i feel. the sleep doctor i see every 3 few months for 20 minutes who reccomends me a podcast: “i just dont buy it….i dont buy it”. okay. i mean…gaslighting??? medical gaslighting?? so your telling me, a person with 3rd degree burns, to put a band aid on it shutup and dont be delusional? get in line dude. ive seen worse than you.

and the trauma…oh the trauma. the undercurrent of my broken life till 16 yrs old, then the drowning, all consuming, omnipresent anvil for the next 10 yrs. how, how do you expect me to disentangle the symptoms of life altering complex trauma from the symptoms of various or perhaps a few life altering physical ailments? they both overlap constantly. and both, hilariously, remain undiagnosed.

yep you read that right, the person whos been on meds since 14 yrs old, experienced incestuous rape, unrelenting brain fog and fatigue, foot pain since a child that immobilizes me everyday, various experiences w excruciating stomach pain, low back pain, upper back/neck pain, i was diagnosed w adhd and tic disorder officially, they threw severe sleep apnea and a couple sleep disorders on top recently, what am i missing. oh yea my lazy eye is so terrible i close one eye to see most of the day. a lot of those remain mysteries, or undiagnosed.

my psych tried to put it one way: my mental health symptoms are a little bit of this and a little bit of that, i have bits and pieces of different things. maybe i have complex trauma and a specific rare insane gene disorder, or a few chronic conditions, or a PD and complex trauma, or complex trauma and schizotypal and avpd and lyme disease or complex trauma and fibro and bpd and a piece of my brain missing, who knows man. one things true: (not according to my family) i have complex trauma. and that can have far reaching physical implications.

ive been talking to the psych and my social worker friends abt perhaps flying to the mayo clinic or something similar. a bunch of appointments in a week or two w tons of specialists and tests with an integrated approach to get (as they call it) “the right answer, the first time”. or essentially some diagnosis/es

. . .

a horrible, liberating truth. there is no going back, there is no closing pandoras box. once i knew, i couldnt unknow.

how can i be believed enough to dispell the internalized disbelief,

validated enough to erase the gaslighting,

tell enough people my perverted past to erase the feelings of secrecy,

have enough chosen family to forget every relative,

recieve every ounce of love and care for the infinite time i spent denied of it,

jack off enough times to gross porn until i understand the abuse,

cry enough tears till im empty, empty enough blood till im dry,

fall through enough rocks till i hit the bottom,

when will it ever be enough.

im so tired of it, im so sick of it. im done with it. you can have it back. 16 year old jamie, seduced by the feelings of freedom and truth, put it back, dont read it, dont look too hard, dont think about it too much, do not pull that string it will all unravel i promise you.

im a barren husk of a boy. a shell of who i once thought i was. a paralyzed, broken, catatonic, defective 26 yr old failure who peeked at the man behind the curtain and saw something they could not unsee. i could have never in my wildest fears predicted a life quite as chaotic as this one. it feels like a curse, that i’ll never know a life without a childhood like mine.

its like a poisonous music to my ears, hypnotic and sweet while it tears me apart, hearing just what it truly was. i feel a bit more free, a bit more whole everytime i tell someone. everytime i use the dirty words, incest, sex abuse, sexual violence, molestation blech blech blech gross yuck. nasty. but the disgust, the shock, the genuine look of horror on anyones face as they react to those words is like a hug!-they know. they feel that way to. it was that bad. it did happen. the mere thought of it to a stranger is enough to ruin the vibe. ohhhhhhh if you only knew, if you only knew.

scream it from the roof tops, tattoo it on me, put it right under jamie on my hello my name is sticker, put it in the first sentence of my biography and the first sentence of my obituary. as long as they know my name they will know my truth. my horrible, liberating, truth.

[avalentina]

Hi everyone, my pen name is Ava Lentina, but everything I post with this tag is 100% real.

I'm 24 currently and I have lived the past two decades of my life with mental health issues. I don't want your pity, I don't want your condolences, I don't want your empathy, or your sympathy. Hell I don't even care if you read these.

I'm doing this for me, and with the hopes that anyone struggling with mental health knows there's hope for them.

At 4 I was diagnosed with ADHD (not a big deal on its own). In sixth grade after the loss of my grandmother I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. By eighth grade that had changed to major depressive disorder, and generalized mood disorder was added. My junior year of high school that changed. I found the right psychiatrist for me and we had a long conversation about my mental health which resulted in my current diagnosis... Chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), major depressive disorder, and Attentive Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). Before I initially was diagnosed with ADHD, my pediatric doctor didn't really know what to make of it, at one point he had even considered putting me on the autism spectrum. Ultimately however and after he got the opinions of some Colleagues it was ADHD, and I've been taking meds everyday of my life since. I also have and have had my share of physical health issues which made my mental health meds a carefully woven web designed to help me feel and be at my best. I always say when something new comes up, "I don't care what med you want me to take, but it needs to work around my mental health meds."

But anyways, I'm here, I've survived overdose attempts, cutting a small hole in my throat, and attempting to hang myself. Why I've survived when so many others haven't, I don't know. But I do know that I would not be who I am today without my mental health. And I give it 90% of the credit for my creativity and ability to come up with new ideas.

I want to end this post on a happy note and with a little thought I came up with earlier this evening for both those that struggle with mental health and those who may not...

We can't change it, all we can do is hope that someday people realize why we did it, and that it's not because we're bad people, it's because we couldn't see it any other way. We made the best decision we could with the options we had and the cards we were dealt. The same way the rest of the world makes their decisions.

-Ava Lentina

Until next time,

-Ava 💕

[okaygenz]

I was right. I was and am becoming more uncomfortable in myself. A few things to think about: I was struggling with my mental health as well as my hormonal health when I got into a relationship. I was overweight. During my relationship I started to eat better, I was diagnosed with ADHD and I started taking meds after going off anti-depressants to help with my hormone disorder and OCD. I started taking hormone replacement therapy to balance my hormones.

I had quite low energy, low self esteem at times but I was becoming more positive in my relationship. Fast forward, my relationship began to break down and I was getting more and more depressive. It was now post-covid and many of my friends and myself included struggled with mental health issues due to the isolation of lockdowns. Honestly, I still haven't recovered from that and I think many others are in the same boat as me, struggling to reconnect.

My relationship ended after many broken promises, me feeling completely disregarded and alone and staying for too long because I thought the situation might improve. I found out my partner was a porn addict which affected my confidence and subsequently, my mental health even further. I was very down. I had a mental health emergency where I went into psychosis due to the stress I was under when my partner moved out. I was able to grieve my relationship finally after 2-3 months of trying to squash my feelings down. I attended emergency therapy with a counsellor and then went back to see my regular psych every week. I wasn't able to completely heal and talk about my situation, I hid some of my emotions and true feelings due to internalised shame.

Around this time I started a new job. I didn't take any time off work during this period. I was physically, mentally and emotionally drained and exhausted. Months went past and it became apparent my boss was manipulating me at work, and engaging in emotionally damage tactics purposefully. Maybe to make herself feel better, or to get rid of me, I'm not entirely sure. Possibly both. My attempts to repair this relationship weren't successful. I did speak to a work counselling service, and I took sick days to take care of my mental health.

After 6 month I was made redundant. Even though it was stressful, and I felt let down by my workplace and severely mistreated, I was also relieved that I was no longer in this situation and I could finally look after myself. I was lost when it came to looking for another career, and honestly I didn't know what to do, but I started tattooing and did my first gig at a studio. this did a lot for my confidence, it was also a job I really enjoyed and I had persevered and taken on the challenge.

But now, I am back in an office job and my confidence has plummeted and my anxiety is just so loud.

[briamichellewrites]

118

Brad was stressed out about his daughter. He was angry with her about her drinking and her decision to not seek treatment. She could die from alcoholism and he didn’t want that to happen to her. He had no idea what the hell was going on and he felt helpless. She was his daughter but she didn’t see him as her father. He had abandoned her in favor of her little sister and Anna. That was how she saw it. He got a phone call from Mike and he hoped he wasn’t telling him any bad news.

He had gone with her to have another mental health evaluation done. She had scheduled an appointment with her therapist because he was concerned about her sudden onset of symptoms, namely her sudden dismissal of the people she once loved. He, like Brad, didn’t know what was going on and he hoped that they would get some answers. They did.

She was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. The therapist gave them both information about the disorder. Her symptoms explained what was causing her anger and pushing away from everyone, alongside her alcoholism. She was terrified of real or imagined abandonment, reckless behavior, impulsiveness, wide mood swings, and a feeling of emptiness or depression. Her disorder was likely due to her childhood trauma.

She saw people as black and white, either good or bad. There was no gray area. She also idolized people, just to devalue them later. It was a way of protecting herself from getting hurt and abandoned. That explained how she had pushed aside everyone, except him. He was idolized for consistently being there for her. Her mental health was not her fault.

At the same time, he needed help to learn how to help her. Was she going to rehab? No, she didn’t want to. He understood. Where was she? He had dropped her off at home a half hour ago. She claimed she was tired, so he assumed she was going to take a nap. They would just have to take her word on that.

Elliot had taken a nap when she got home because her mind was exhausted. Her phone was blowing up with messages from Jon and Matthew, who she had been texting with. Matthew was about to go over to her place to make sure she was alive when he got a response from her. Where the hell was she? Why didn’t she answer her phone?

I was at a psychiatric appointment. Then I took a nap. I didn’t know that you were blowing up my phone. – Elliot

Thank god you’re okay! Sorry for “blowing up your phone”. Are you at home? – Matthew

Yeah, she was. She invited him over. He would be right there. While she waited, she brushed her hair and put it into a braid. She also texted Mike to let him know she was awake. He thanked her for letting him know. Did she want him to come over? No, her friend, Matthew was on his way over. Who’s Matthew? Matthew McConaughey. He was a guy she met at a party.

Yeah, I know who he is. I just didn’t know that you knew him. Okay. I love you and no matter what, I will always be here for you. – Mike

I love you too. – Ellie

When Matthew got to the house, he found her eating a snack. They said hello to each other. What was she eating? Granola with some frozen cut-up fruit. That sounded delicious! She could have heated the fruit for about fifteen seconds longer but yeah, it was good. How did her appointment go? It was okay. Her foster father wanted her to go through another psychiatric evaluation. It was a bunch of boring questions.

She was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. What’s that? She handed him a packet with information about the disorder. He looked through it. It was a complicated disorder but it meant she was afraid of abandonment. Her therapist thought she had just developed the disorder. She also had PTSD, ADHD, and anxiety. What the hell was she going to do? She had no fucking idea. Where was her dog? Her dad kidnapped him while she was in the hospital.

“He didn’t even fucking tell me he was taking him. Mike told me. ‘Oh, by the way. Your dad has Bruce.’ That’s literally how he told me. He thought he was being neglected, so he took him.”

“Will you get him back?”

“I hope so. He’s my dog.”

When she was done eating, she put her dishes in the dishwasher. He had finished looking through the packet by that point, so he set it aside. When he got home, he would look into it more. He followed her to her living room and sat down. When he looked at her, he saw sadness in her eyes. She was five days sober but he imagined she was looking for ways to get alcohol. Her mind needed the alcohol because she was addicted, even if she wouldn’t admit it.

He wasn’t going to enable her by giving her alcohol. Because she was underage, she couldn’t go to the store and buy it. That was saving her life. There were places in LA that would look the other way because she had a famous name. Mostly 18+ clubs. He wouldn’t doubt that guys would be buying her drinks. There were also Hollywood parties. He hoped to god she wouldn’t be desperate enough to shoplift alcohol.

That would bring attention she wouldn’t want. The media would destroy her. Instead of being seen as an alcoholic who needed help, she would be labeled as a train wreck. She could lose her modeling contract if she got into trouble. He didn’t want that for her. If she stayed sober until her twenty-first birthday, he was afraid she would go right back to drinking because she would finally be legally allowed to drink. It would be extremely tempting for her. Mike was at home when Rob stopped by.

They said hello to each other as he sat down with him in the living room. He apologized for coming over without calling. It wasn’t a problem. What’s going on? He was just going through thoughts in his head. Mike could see how nervous he was. He was almost fidgety, so he assured him he could tell him anything. I’m gay. He took a second to process that.

“It’s part of the reason why I’ve been having trouble with my mental health. I couldn’t admit it to myself and I was anxious about coming out.”

“Rob, you being gay doesn’t make you less of a man or a friend. I’m proud of you for coming out. That had to be hard.”

He nodded. “I fell in love with Brad during our last tour. I can’t tell him.”

“You don’t have to until you’re ready. I love you and I always will.”

Thank you! He felt relief he hadn’t felt in a long time. When the band got back together, he was going to tell them. That would give him enough time to build up the courage. He had told his family and they were incredibly supportive. Whether he came home with a girlfriend or a boyfriend, they just hoped that they treated him well and loved him as much as they loved him. Thank you.

@zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @alina-dixon @fiickle-nia @boricuacherry-blog

[scleroticstatue]

Yep! People like Brievel... And people like my sister, whose diagnosis was her sitting in her therapist's room going "I know this needs to get fixed but I don't know how to get there," her therapist saying "yeah, that's pretty typical for people with autism," my sister going "I'm not autistic," and the therapist going, "really? You've never been diagnosed?" (Followed by her three sisters and mom crowded around her diagnosis questionnaire going "hey, none of this makes sense; this can't be an actual diagnosing question because this is how everybody responds." It is, apparently, Not how everybody responds.)

My sister has had two high-demand careers (one she quit because she couldn't travel), got married, has two kids, travels regularly both within and outside of the US, maintains friendships, is politically active, attends religious services — she has never had an issue with being capable to the extreme. Yes her house is messy and her kids aren't parented the best and she still has a rebellious streak a mile wide, but her struggles are typical for society writ large. She'd probably never been diagnosed if she wasn't in a high stress career with a husband who traveled for work and had two kids at the same time covid was happening.

I would first question your C-PTSD (which is what most cases of BPD are) and your depression before I questioned if autism was a disorder. Autism is frequently comorbid with other mental struggles, and even people who "grow out" of their autism struggle with depression, anxiety, ADHD, ODD, etc., and they're not related to autism, except in that you can have C-PTSD from autism-related trauma and you can get situational depression from the situation being autistic causes.

I am so sorry you are struggling with this. But you shouldn't give up and feel like you're broken because you have autism. Autism isn't a disorder, it's just a way of functioning that is slightly different than the norm. It is other situations that increase stress to the point where the abnormal function has an impact. For some, that threshold is very low — which is when it becomes a disorder and disability — but for others, it's very high. Right now, you're under a lot of stress, so having different tools in your toolbox is harder to deal with, and it's difficult to maintain order, but it's difficult for everyone to maintain order under stress. It doesn't make you wrong or bad or less human or broken. It just means you need some help shopping for a flathead screwdriver.

got told another thing I do wrong (used to do it worse but still) and now I feel awful yay

[birdhouse-lover]

an analysis of young royals s2

obviously theirs spoilers so read at your own risk.

i’ll be talking about most of the main characters (august, felice, sara, simon, wilhelm and marcus) and talking about my thoughts about them.

august:

i was really really hoping for a redemption arc. i was hoping he meant what he said about being sorry and feeling bad. but the moment he had the power of potential monarchy near him, he turned. he proved that he is a true villain. he wants power and has no true regard for others.

if he continues to be in this show, i do hope they explore his addiction and eating disorder more.

felice:

top tier character. never did anything wrong. that kiss between her and wilhelm. barely mattered. she handled it like a queen. she is such a good friend to Sara and Wilhelm. i want only the best for her.

i hope to look a bit more at what she enjoys doing that isn’t riding.

Sara:

she’s flawed. they all are. i think my biggest trouble with her was that she knew how much the video hurt Simon and she knew August posted it and she still dated him. on the other hand, i know how it feels to fall in love with someone who makes you happy sometimes and really sad others. so her situation isn’t the easiest. most of the problems she had and others might have with her come from the fact that she was either not informed or just didn’t understand.

i hope we can explore her rebuilding a relationship with felice and the other girls.

marcus:

i really likes marcus at first, i did. but then simon tried to break up with him, telling him he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship yet and marcus just. didn’t let him???? that threw me. and then he’s acting all like simon didn’t genuinely like him and was only using him to get back at willie. he’s a little toxic. but honestly, i think he’s also a flawed person.

i don’t have anything i want to explore with him. i honestly do not care if he continues to be in the show.

simon:

simon goes through a lot. he gets his boundaries violated over and over and he really just wants to be respected in his relationship. i think he also doesn’t fully understand willie’s situation. it’s hard to know what other people are going through. i think he was looking for a specific relationship with willie that was near-unattainable. i love simon to death. he is so amazing and easy to sympathize with.

i would love to explore simon setting firm boundaries with others and maybe seeing a therapist because he’s got somethings to work out between the drama he’s been through with willie, his situation with marcus, and his family.

willie:

willie. i love willie. i have diagnosed gad, undiagnosed adhd, and possible autism. i see myself, especially my anxiety in willie. i see him chewing on the inside of his cheek. he fixes his hair. he’s got acne scars, probably from picking at his skin, just like i do. he doesn’t understand why he can’t handle the same pressure that so many others experience. his anxiety attacks aren’t all always hyperventilating. they can be silent, tearless, but so so clear that he is struggling. i also think he could have adhd or autism (or both).

most of all, i want to talk about how much shit he’s been through. he’s 16. 1 year older than me. he’s a child. a kid. he’s just trying to survive life! and he is traumatized. his brother (the only person he felt like truly understood him) is dead, the most intimate moment of his life is posted on the internet, he is betrayed by almost his entire family, and the person that he loves isn’t willing to be in a secret relationship (no hate to simon btw, he was totally right to set that sort of boundary). my point is, he is traumatized, not receiving help for his mental illness and a fucking teenager. this makes him impulsive and say stupid things and do stupid stuff. he is a flawed character, just like everyone else in this show. he hurts people he is close to. he lashes out with anger.

an interesting thing i’ve found about anxiety is that when things get to overwhelming and something is on your mind, it feels like the only way to get that off you chest is to pick a fight. a small one that doesn’t really matter. because you can’t fight the bigger fight.

in the long run, as mad as everyone may be at august, punishing him isn’t going to do anything. the video is already leaked. the damage is already done. but willie picks fights with him because it’s a battle he can win.

i hope to see willie continue to go to therapy and work through some trauma and also be more open in his communication with simon about his feelings and anxiety.

[big-boah]

Disability Pride month is almost over, and I wanted to share my story about my own experiences with disability.

I have autism, ADHD, TBI, PTSD, deafness, and a few others! 🤟

Under the cut:

Here's my story:

When I was born, the doctors gave my mom drugs to cause contractions because I was sleeby and very late, and it wasn't until my mom almost died that they found out I was in the wrong position and couldn't be born naturally, while also being choked by the cord. (I was covered in bruises until I was like, 2.) I sustained a mild TBI from that and I was lucky I guess, because it could've affected me differently. (My mom also didn't know she was pregnant for a while and both parents had/have substance abuse issues. I had a rough start lol)

As a kid, I started reading and speaking very early, but I would only talk about things that I cared about/infodump. I clearly had attention problems--I couldn't focus on something unless I was absorbed by it. I had meltdowns because of sensory issues regularly. I also had a speech impediment and a weird accent that I got speech therapy for for a year.

My parents were told I was likely autistic when I was about 5 or 6, as I would only show 2 emotions: unabashed joy, and meltdowns. Otherwise I just...look angry lmao. I went through a lot of bullying in school and ended up being diagnosed with depression with generalized anxiety disorder by the time I was 11.

I've always had horrible coordination issues/apraxia/dyspraxia and I still struggle with it daily. I've broken so many bones y'all 😅

I was diagnosed with autism and suspected ADHD when I was 13 and again my parents did nothing with that. The school offered services because I was struggling, even though we were a low-income family in a small low-income school with grades K-12 in one building they did what they could to help. I was in special education classes as well as advanced classes at the same time until high school when I switched to all advanced/college level classes. One therapist at school helped me learn ASL to deal with the speech generation issues and I am forever grateful for that.

I've been writing stories since I was 6-7ish and writing to communicate was my favorite. By the time I was in middle school I learned to mask, and I studied people and psychology obsessively so I could understand why people did things. I didn't have any friends until this time although I did try (but no one else wanted to pretend to be a dog or a mage or play DBZ with me, well fuck you too! 😜)

My parents tried to get me to be normal so they forced me to join a sport when I was 8. An dyspraxic 8 year old playing softball lmao. I hated it. My dad wound up coaching the team 2 years in, because I was getting bullied BY THE OTHER DAD COACHES hahaha. I was forced to do that for 7 years.

I joined the bowling team in middle school of my own accord, and ended up being like the "backup team" where it was literally 3 of us from the special ed class 😂but I loved it! I got to hang out and bowl and everyone was really supportive there. I made some good friends for the first time.

My parents forced me to get a job and pay rent starting on my 15th birthday and of course I started working at the mall, on Black Friday, in retail. I am great at masking in very short bursts, literally just acting a script, and this is why I only feel comfortable leaving the house if I'm in character 😅So job interviews have never been too difficult thankfully. I had to get out of the whole abusive house situation ASAP so I started full time at an auto shop on the corner of my street the same time I started college, bought a used 2-door black Pontiac Grand Am from some guy on Craiglist with my own money, and moved out when I turned 17. I moved in with my best friend at the time who was also autistic, into a house we were renting from a friend's mom who was in the military.

I started experiencing chronic pain around this time, and had my first Meniere's flare up the first month of college. I was diagnosed with Meniere's at 18 as well as migraines, but my dad and grandfather had the symptoms start around the same age and they were never diagnosed, it was just considered "genetic hearing loss." Basically I have flare ups where I get too dizzy to sit up and my ears go out completely, then when they open back up it's never the same as it was before the flareup. It's been 10 years of this and I'm completely deaf in my left ear and half deaf in my right ear. I wear hearing aids and without them I can't really understand sound, and because of the nerve damage I usually can't tell where sound is coming from when I hear it, which is...an experience lol.

When I was 23, I woke up one day with a huge blind spot (scotoma) in the center of my left eye. I still can't see out of it. I started having other nerve issues in other parts of my body, they did a bunch of tests and found significant weakness in my legs which were also spasming, and all that improved over a year. I am still in the "we have no idea" zone for MS, after MRIs showed possible lesions but it would explain a lot. 🤷🏻‍♂️They told me it could be fibromyalgia or a virus too, but who knows at this point. Just a lot of inflammation.

I personally think a whole lot of this is caused by burnout. The timing is suspicious...

When I was 25 (2019) the nerve issues came back with a vengeance and it corresponded with an extremely stressful job situation. I went through the same tests, which were all inconclusive, again. I have extreme pain in my hands, hips, and feet during these flareups where I can't walk at all or sleep or move, and my ankles will go so numb I get drop foot in both feet and have to wear braces. 😅Eventually the nerve inflammation heals and it takes a few months, but its never the same after.

During this time I also experienced a mental health crisis, SI, and a rapid decline in executive/cognitive functioning due to burnout, because I'd been working full time for 8ish years at that point and autistic burnout is a real thing. I haven't really recovered from that honestly. Which makes work and being alive change to "Expert Mode" from "Hard".

In April 2021, I fell in the shower and sustained a skull fracture w/ moderate TBI. I am much more emotional now than I was before the TBI, my memory is worse, and my migraines have been worse since.

I can't shower unsupervised anymore. I can't do most things unsupervised except work and drive. (I may have issues, but I have always been a damn good driver! I honestly think it's because I played Grand Turismo with my dad's pedal and brake set on PS 1 for years!)

Even before all of that stuff, I knew I could never live alone. I've always lived with friends who knew my situation, and I moved in with my husband 2 weeks after we met and we've been living together since. (10 years now!) I can't do a lot of stuff like cook or use scissors or lift heavy stuff, and I have meltdowns where I will hurt myself without meaning to, it's just always been that way. I can't go out on my own either except for short trips like appointments, due to the fact that I will completely dissociate when I'm overstimulated and my brain function just ceases to exist. I get stuck often (autistic catatonia).

I am now 28 and I'm hanging on to full time work by my last thread. I am grateful I work from home doing software support, but any kind of full time work gives me burnout, which turns into inflammation and physical stress, which makes work harder, etc, it's a lovely spiral! Therapy has been helping me a ton. I've been in all kinds of therapy of my own accord over the last 10 years, and I currently work with an occupational therapist and a therapist who specializes in neurodivergent adults with PTSD.

Without working full time I can't afford therapy and my long list of meds that keep me functional (I can't work without a VERY delicately balanced cocktail of stimulants, benzos, hormones, antidepressants, and THC. I absolutely HATE this with a passion, if I didn't have to work full time, I wouldn't need all the drugs.) There's going to be a day where I wake up and cannot work anymore, and it'll be sooner than later. When that day comes, we'll just have to move to somewhere less expensive and/or back with our wonderfully toxic families. /s

(That's what being disabled in America is like when you're white and have "level 3 autism" and come from a low-income family with many substance abuse problems.)

My husband is neurodivergent too, he's autistic and has ADHD. He can't mask his stimming much, and he's not very smooth socially (its adorable) but he doesn't have the executive function difficulties I do and he does not have apraxia, we're all different! I always get "fake mad" at him because he does things so perfectly the first time, like making the bed or baking or even wiping something off I'm like whoa 👀. It makes me ANGRY 😠/s.

Whatever, he's lucky he's cute.

I can't end anything on a depressing note so I will say that I've grown a lot as a person just in the last 2 years especially since the PTSD diagnosis, and my relationship with my partner is a miracle and I don't believe in that stuff. He has always helped me with everything, selflessly, since day 1. (He's the reason we haven't had to hire any outside help yet, he does the supervising and I don't mind one bit! 🥰)

Writing has always been a very cathartic activity for me, and I started doing a journal "as Vegeta" as a way to help my anxiety. Those journals are being stitched together into my fic on AO3 called "Chances" (linked!) which is goofy self-projecting fanfiction but Vegeta and Goku's characters are literally just me and my husband, 1:1. 😂He learned ASL for me, and we always have a blast in our little corner of the world. Our entire mission in life together is to just have the best time possible, responsibly, because life is short.

But yeah that's my disability story! I can't write anything short so if you made it to the end, here's a cookie 🍪and 🤟. If you're my internet friend, maybe this will help you get to know me better!

[ophelius-is-tired]

Also since I'm already pissed off and venting

Seriously being a trans guy is great sometimes but urgh I also sometimes want to bash my head into the nearest brick wall until I'm literally dragged away from it (my fiance would probably be the one dragging me which is part of why I don't play matchmaker with my skull and bricks) but urgh! Shit is so fucking annoying. My fucking family doctor intentionally prolonged, dodged and avoided getting me a GD diagnosis for almost my entire teenage years, even though I begged with him to put me on testosterone or at least hormone blockers - and now that I'm an adult the dude is retiring leaving me with some random ass doctor he trained who may very well put me through the same run around bullshit his ass did. Everybody insists on calling you your legal name so you get to either suck it up and try your best to bear it when it comes to dysphoria or get zero medical treatment until your name is changed, and even then they may insist on using feminine nicknames or some shit! Going about self referral where I live - which is the only option for most people because doctor's literally do not fucking care or simply lack time or knowledge or both - is hell, the waitlist is huge because there's only one goddamn clinic and yet queerphobes are still whining when guess what? Nobody is transitioning and if they are their lives are still hell! - So what more could the fucking phobes really want at this goddamn point? Our hearts and souls on their dinner platter? Like ffs.

Oh and don't get me started on after you transition legally. If you don't change your healthcard to the sex or gender you're working on transitioning to even if your name is changed they'll still call you by the wrong pronouns! How do I know? They do it to my fiance all the bloody time! Everytime I see or hear it I feel like I'm going to explode. And most people would say I'm overreacting but if somebody is coming in for a testosterone shot each week with their name legally changed with a very clear request on his patient profile to call him by "he" and asks you to call him a "he" it shouldn't be that fucking hard to at least muster a goddamn they instead of slapping she on him because you don't agree with or dislike the fact that he's a disabled gay unemployed transman. The amount of prying into stranger's business completely unrelated to the medical services that doctors provide just because they're older than and want to make comments about other people is insane. Like please kindly consider doing your job and leaving us alone you do not need to know if my fiance is still in college and why he's transitioning and what he does in his free time so you can tell him what he should be doing with his education and with his employment status and shit! He can pay his goddarn bills and if he fucking can't I fucking can, poke him with a needle and let us be on our merry fucking way, goodbye, adios, au revoir, genuinely I'm done with the fucking around - its getting really fucking hard to walk in there with a fake fucking smile and a thank you after they're done their stupid interrogations. He comes in every week, this is not small talk, it is very clearly you wanting to know details you don't need to fucking know because he has a cane, he's transgender and he comes in for testosterone. Fucking nosy around somebody else's business for an hour we have lives to live.

Back to my old family doctor because I am still fuming about that guy - he was great /s

Bro really was like I know you're super depressed, you got PTSD, you've got a really unhealthy anxiety disorder just playing parasite in your brain - sucking the energy outta you, really bad Gender Dysphoria that I refuse to diagnose, possibly misdiagnosed BPD, probably some good ol' ADHD and OCD and more than likely a good couple layers of Bipolar or some other disorder - you wanna know what I'm gonna do kiddo? Throw you on drugs, up them super fast and then have appointments with you where essentially your mom and I talk about you like you're too young to speak for yourself - you are 17 but who fucking cares, am I right? And I'm gonna try to bribe you that if you take these drugs that cause you panic attacks, bad paranoia and may have thrown you off a cliff towards literal fucking psychotic symptoms - you might be allowed to take testosterone or hormone blockers ^-^

But only if your current mental illnesses go away - completely and only if that happens will I maybe possibly if I'm in a good mood consider considering allowing you to transition.... maybe! It just depends on how I'm feeling in a year... or two years! Or maybe never! Who knows! Now go take this huge dose of meds that I'm upping like once a week even though you're reacting really shit to it but you're "behaving" better for your mom and having less episodes (aka reacting less to her intentionally triggering your anxiety and PTSD because you're too fucking delusional to function) ^-^

Love being a dude with fucking abnormal ass periods/s

Like the fucking thing will be gone for the entire summer and then I'll have plans around my birthday in early October and it'll be like yeah... yeah about that.. guess what bitch? I'm staying for the foreseeable future. Look, see? I already packed my suitcase and I'm moving back the fuck in.

[nex-ture]

Hi my name is Mac, I would like a Saiki K matchup, my pronouns are she/her. I’m asexual biromantic but I just say I’m asexual if asked because it’s shorter and straight to the point. While I haven’t experienced any crushes IRL I do find people visually appealing, ironically I’m also the person people go to for dating advice. I see romantic and platonic relationships as the same thing since they both need pretty much the same thing maintained, one is just a little more intimate than the other. I genuinely can’t tell the difference between someone being friendly or flirting, I always assume it’s people being friendly unless told otherwise (haven’t been told otherwise so they’re probably being friendly!). Because I can’t (or haven’t) experienced any romantic feelings for anyone I greatly value my relationship with my friends, it’s still a form of love after all.

I’m pretty short at 5’2 and I’m slender as well so it makes me look smaller than everyone around me but I don’t really have a problem with that. I'm a pretty chill, blunt and honest person. For the most part I’m pretty logical and make sure no one gets into too much trouble, but sometimes it’s fun to just shut your brain off and do stuff just for the sake of doing stuff. I tend to go with people’s ideas or plans especially if they’re dumb because funi (unless there’s a risk for serious harm) sometimes I unintentionally give people ideas too, so oops.

I like to draw, listen to music and make people laugh. Everyone seems to be really comfortable around me and I get along with others so I end up being The Therapist Friend or someone you can just tell random stuff to. I’m also very affectionate, I love to give people hugs and other forms of platonic affection. At first glance people say I give off a threatening or slightly unapproachable vibe, which is unintentional since I don’t do it on purpose. I’m introverted but I really enjoy being out with friends and people I’m close to. I can remember people's interests and unimportant/random information due to having ADHD and like everyone else with the disorder I have a hard time getting my brain to cooperate sometimes and I can easily get distracted.

I’ve also been diagnosed with GAD and depression which I’m working on with a therapist. Any depressive thoughts or anxiety attacks are usually kept to myself and I only let those emotions out when I’m alone and in private if they’re still present, I refuse to cry in front of others or burden them with my mental health issues. Unless it becomes too much for me to handle on my own I don’t reach out to others that often. While my mental state has greatly improved, I still have some self esteem and internal issues that I’m trying to work on with my therapist. Even with my own internal issues I do my best to make others feel better and help in any way I can.

(I hope this isn’t all over the place, I separated it into paragraphs so it’s not just a big wall of text and also to make it more manageable to read. Hope you have a nice day!❤️)

Aren Kuboyasu

Aren is desperate for better friends and possibly something more

He found you so intresting when you first met, your attitude reminded him of all his friends but more chill

He's the extrovert that claims you

He'd love to just sit and listen to anything you have to say, any story you could think of he will have 100% of his focus on you

People say he's unapproachable due to him being an ex-gang member so you'd both scare a lot of people arounf campus.

If he sees you're overworking yourself or you seem uncomfortable he will definitely stand in the way and help you relax

He'd love it if you got along with his friends but if you don't he understandsz they're definitely not normal

He likes to rest his arm on your head, he finds it fun seeing your upset face while he laughs

Only he's allowed to make fun of you flr being short because he knows he's doing it in a lighthearted manner

He doesn't read emotions very well, but just know he'd always be there for you

All in all 10/10 boyfriend, he would do anything and I mean Anything for you

Matchups: Closed