#so idk how much of them i'll be answering but
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hiruzensux · 2 years ago
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cherrirui-official · 1 year ago
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Friendlocke Violet Gijinkas (Part 1/7)
Since the edited episodes are starting to come out, I figured that bc of that and the fact that I've been keeping this in the back burner for a loooong while now, might as well complete all my friendlocke violet gijinkas!! Some are gonna stay the same while others are gonna have slight/ complete redesigns, so please keep that in mind!
I plan on posting them in order by groups of three, so there's gonna be seven parts in total, all of which I'll be linking here when done vvv
(Part Two) (Part Three) (Part Four) (Part Five) (Part Six) (Part Seven)
!! These will contain personal headcanons I have for the cast, little fun facts, and also spoilers for Friendlocke Violet (for both the edited vids and the streams) !!
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@saltydkart-reblogs
And that's pretty much it, designs under the cut!
LARK:
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HUGE nerd. spent most of his time during the Uva Academy studying different kinds of pokemon as well as different fighting styles he can utilize once he is able to go out on his own journey with his very own trainer! Too bad that didn't really help in the long run...
His entire wardrobe consists of McDonald's related outfits. It's fucking insane. He even has some from long LONG ago that aren't available anywhere else.
The bubble pattern on his hair is able to move and change. Nobody knows how this is possible, not even Lark himself. All Lark knows is that his hair looks incredibly stylish!
Speaking of bubbles, he has the ability to blow bubbles whenever and wherever he pleases!
Often keeps himself extremely clean and gets upset if even a small speck of dirt gets on him, despite this he somehow smells like McDonald's food and axe body spray. Disgusting. He's so cool!
Even after death he still likes to hang around the other team members as a ghost, often getting to know the newer members as well as reuniting with the old ones. Sometimes they see him, sometimes they don't. It usually depends.
SARA:
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Due to being a human in her past life, Sara is able to actually speak with the other humans in the pokemon world. However she usually doesn't due to it being seen as extremely weird and out of place. She did slip up once while talking in the presence of Arven, who thought it was the weed making him hear things.
Oinkologne are usually unable to do much with their hooves but Sara spent nights practicing how to knit with her new hooves and now she's able to do it flawlessly. I don't know how she managed to do that but go queen!
When first joining the team she'd often have the urge to eat her food related companions. It was a strange time for Sara, but she managed to overcome it.
When Peppy gets sick, she usually is the one who nurses him back to health. She was a human once so she often is able to figure out whatever sickness Peppy has and treat it properly. I suppose she's like a second mother to him.
The bag she carries with her is full of thread that she collected from various Tarountula she encountered on the journey, as well as little things she knits together in her spare time.
For the most part, Sara forgives... but NEVER forgets.
Did you guys know that Sara has a new YouTube channel? Check it out!
Pastey:
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Before joining the team, Pastey was a nameless wanderer. He's been down every road in Paldea and knows almost the entire region (except for Area Zero) like the back of his hand.
He's gotten hurt pretty badly throughout the run (ie. the Mikey fight, the Atticus fight, and ESPECIALLY the final battle), however, he does not gain any (physical) scars from those fights. This is bc he's basically an axolotl, and axolotls are usually able to heal without scarring.
Pastey's "arms" are, to put it simply, mud prosthetics. More info here vvv
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Pastey HAS met Mall Bingo once before the run, however, he doesn't recognize her. The only reason he does not recognize her is bc she wears glasses. (You know how people somehow aren't able to recognize Superman bc he wears glasses in his civilian attire even tho his face remains the same? It's basically like that lmao)
Unlike the lightbulbs he eats, the gasoline he drinks isn't really mandatory to his diet. Gasoline is like alcohol to him and he drinks it like an absolute CHAMP.
He goes fishing when there's nothing else to do or when he can't sleep at night. He doesn't do this bc he thinks it's fun or anything, only bc it's a "good time passer" or so he claims. Other members of the team will often sit with him and vent out anything that's troubling them at the moment, and Pastey is always there to listen to them.
And that's pretty much it. Next is Joe, Hannah Ü, and Mykyie!
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citrusai · 3 months ago
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cole not showing up in veilguard despite literally joining solas & his cause is so... then again the whole fen'harel agents and elven rebellion plot was scrapped and solas' character was reduced to going oooo rook you wanna repeat the cycle of abuse and indentured servitude i am in currently ooooo rook you wanna be me soooo bad ooooo rook you wanna kill the evanuris for me and then i'll tear down the veil anyway oooooo rook go prey on your companions' trust in you to kill themselves for you like i was willing to do for mythal. oh u got her to forgive me? oh and the inquisitors here too and they forgive me? oh and you forgive me even though it's clear idgaf about you or your opinions? well alright the veil can stay. despite the fact that it's obviously deteriorating anyway and me making the black city golden again won't do a fucking thing. ok i'll go :)
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residentialsinyomakai · 7 months ago
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Hello hello!!! Guess what. Yokai art dump below the cut!! So cool and shiny wow
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Its true, I do >u<
I'll try and section these and give the usual explanations below! Image ID for more drawing specific inksplanation.
Click for full image! Since a lotta these are weirdly shaped they were cut off....augh...
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McKraken and Maddiman related doodlesssss they're some of my faves <3 i will always love them even if they're not my focus characters atm (well. McKraken kinda is rn but also Babblong so YAY)
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Misc. Yokai and ocs! The frog is Kerosque, the guy w the swirly pompadour thing is Swiss, and the monkey is Romono (although he's a Regretevator OC from FOREVER ago, he's still my son <33)
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SWISS STUFF RAUGHHHH ! inconsistent style will be APPARENT here try not to notice shuhhhhhgh
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Height for main yokai in my AU/on Casp's team! (In the anime it's just primary summons then wwwww)
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Some yokai practice/design hcs bc my friend asked!! I was so happy to share 🤭 LOVE YOU CHERCHERRRR
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Some of my little guys once more! Rawry' prob one of my faves yokai to draw, easy and fun to do show-accurate or stylized.
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OCSSSSSS. AND BADDINYAN. MY EVIL CAT <3333 the guy next to the frog in the middle is an oc idea but idk for what yet =▽=
AUGH. THERES AN IMAGE LIMIT? Well in case you're wondering it's 30....post the rest after I get tomorrow's doodles. See you then and thank you for looking at and reading about my arts!
#Also this is me just rambling now but like where would I be without commas and parenthesis? I love using them#...as I'm sure you've noticed. But that jusy proves my point!!!#I've been so insane about drawing recently like I will sit down and fill a page or so withing like 30 minutes bc I get bored#(Idk how much that I'd in retrospect but per my usual rate that's a Lot!!)#I've been using Swiss bc I wanna decide what to do with him in the AU after Event...#I also project onto him a lot bc some of his personality really reflects my younger self#Although very traditional my mother raised me rather androgynous in terms of typical child stuff. I got to hang with boy and girl stuff so#Swiss has a few aspects of when i hadent (and admittedly still havent) really gotten past my pride or fear in favor of#Oh i don't know#Making friends??? Not being unintentionally or intentionally a jerk?#Fun little fact; it's not really that Swiss is a picky eater#But rather he has some Problems.....#Like that he's really puntable/j#Caspian has tried to have him answer. Anything without lying but unfortunately he just Does That Sometimes#Sometimes it's not even on purpose. Odd but it happens!#Anyways. I could go on and on but it's almost midnight over here....I really am.like Babblong jajaja ○u○#□ yolo watch 2!#yokai watch#●posts from yomakai#yo kai watch#I'll just tag those with at least 3 appearances methinks#Aswell as ocs bc I flatter myself!!#Caspian ykw#Swiss ykw#Kerosque#Fuwhirl#McKraken#Dr Maddiman#Baddinyan#Casanuva
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eggsistential-basket · 5 months ago
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thinking about the person i could have been if i tried a little harder to find my own way
#probably the thing i am resenting my parents for right now is how good they were at convincing me#not to pursue any career paths other than the ones they laid out#every time i was like hey this seems interesting should i check it out? they would be so quick with the#do you care enough about it to stake your livelihood on it? to do it for your whole working life?#and obviously 8 yo 12 yo 14 yo 17 yo 18 yo me would get terrified and go no sorry and just not look into anything further#supposedly this is the safe option but everything i do feels meaningless#all of the jobs in this field seem meaningless#the job market in this field right now is dog shit and I'm fighting like hell for positions that just make me sad to think about#but every time i think hey what if i tried another thing#now my brain shuts me down with the do you care enough about it to stake your livelihood on it#your whole life on it#and the answer is no and it's gonna be no for a long time i bet#don't know if I'll ever find my way out of it#told my roommate's boyfriend about my general dispassion for pretty much everything in life#he asked me if I'm even a person#which feels very true#i feel like this path I've followed if i keep following it#I'm not going to be a person i can be proud of#i know it's really early in my life to say but#idk if it's nature or nurture or my own damn fault but all the ambition has been weaned out of me and I've been getting just surviving#i just wish i got told more you can be whatever you want to be :)#instead of whatever you'll do you'll be good at so do what makes money and push your hobbies to the side you can do them after you retire#your mom likes this and you're good at it so you'll like it too it'll make you money this is the best thing#the other thing is harder and doesn't make as much money don't do that you won't like it that much i bet#when i was younger#maybe I'd be struggling more but I'd be really happy and fulfilled#or maybe this is genuinely the best timeline and eggs who tried to pursue art hates it now#maybe I'd be really stupid at all the other things i gave a passing glance at#eggsistential speaks#tag rant
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cerbreus · 16 days ago
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meeting w the transfer admin went well!
#day was off to a not perfect start w getting locked out lmfao#but it's been good from there#got a lot of questions/concerns answered and some good recommendations for paths forward#he's going to make me some official sort of like... plans for pathways with the bshs/bshp programs based on things we chatted abt#(that will hopefully reduce my time needing to be full time @ the campus to potentially just 2 years)#I'm gonna probably ask some more questions and maybe specifically ask the programs i'm interested in about advice for me getting accepted#I think i might apply to a community college by the end of spring and start taking some courses over the summer and see how things go#i need a lot of chemistry and physics and health terminology classes so#will be good to come in with that foundation of the reqs#I might do some campus tours this spring as well lmfao. get the whole rundown#esp since the campus is an hour drive from where i (currently) live so it'd be a bit of a jaunt#ahhh somehow i feel less nervous!!#the guy seemed pretty like... confident that I should be an okay fit even from such an unrelated field#obv dependent on how the prereqs go because it's a really rigorous course load and clinical load#but if i can get those prereqs finished all of my prior degree credits should transfer and basically cover all of my gen ed/liberal ed#so i'll really only need the last 2yrs of courses#yippee wahoo yay#this is all just super dependent on how those prereq classes go and whether i have enough of an aptitude in them to not only pass#but pass with high grades and not struggle too much comprehending the material#but hey one baby step closer :)#also like damn they structure their courses really well#they let people usually re-take quizzes because their focus is on students actually learning the material#not just the 'pass fail' bar for entrance into degrees that most unis use the courses for#personal stuff#i need to get some uhhhhh nicer looking business casual clothes asap#cause i only have like. flannels. funky button ups. black shirts.#and i only have jeans...#hahah oops....#i'm excited idk. what i do next is still pretty open but it feels good to narrow down at least an option or two that feel like. feasible#my heart still like
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fidgetspringer · 2 years ago
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- Marten & Nohren -
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ruelpsen · 2 months ago
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If I had to choose between cutting off my hand and redoing grad school apps, I'd seriously consider the hand. Be gentle with yourself, it's a fucking slog. What kind of program are you looking into?
Thank you for the reminder to be gentle. This shit has been stressful, and having for various reasons only about a month and a half to actually do focused work on applying has SUCKED. Not looking forward to potentially having to do this again in the future (it's complicated but I'll explain why in a sec), but I am SO looking forward to two weeks from now when these applications are in and it's out of my hands, as much as the waiting game itself sucks in its own way.
As for programs, I don't want to get too specific. I was a double major in undergrad, and I'm not exaggerating when I say I've literally never met anyone else with those two specific majors. (Ftr one is a STEM field and the other in the humanities.) I want to keep studying both in some capacity in the future, but to make a long story short I'm stuck in a position where I have to hold off on applying to the program in the humanities for now.
As annoyed as I am about the 'long story' part of that, I'm totally fine with prioritizing the program in STEM for now. Hell, in some ways that's a good thing given the limited amount of time I have to work on applications. But at the same time, I've greatly limited the number of schools I'm applying to so I can focus on creating well-tailored applications for their specific programs and faculty, and that means each potential rejection would leave me with a far smaller share of options. It's a bit of a risk, but damn it I'm trying my best to show how strong of a student I've been and that I would work well with their specific people. Hopefully things work out in the end.
I hope your own efforts have paid off too, wherever life has taken you.
#it's hitting me now too how badly my undergrad school prepared me for this process#besides a couple of conversations with professors about grad school and jokes about selling your soul to unethical corporations-#- we didn't get told SHIT#i've said it before and i'll say it again but do not go to a rich kid school if you are not a rich kid (this is coming from a non-rich kid)#or at the very least be prepared for people to assume you know the ins and outs of networking and stuff you've never been taught about#i'm not joking when i say the school i went to brags about how many students get job placements soon after graduation#but has next to no actual resources to help students continue their education (esp for minority students) (like myself)#it's so frustrating seeing peers of mine get cushy jobs based on who they know when i'm out here busting my ass bc idk the right people#and god forbid you want to learn more but don't have similar connections in academia! it sucks!#i know my applications' success heavily relies upon letters i'm not allowed to read written for me by professors who can vouch for me#because their names might mean something to someone who might otherwise disregard me despite how ridiculously experienced i am#knowing you're good enough but might get rejected for something that goes beyond you has to be one of the worst feelings#i already have the sneaking suspicion that i won't get accepted to one of my top three schools based on that#and i haven't even submitted my app for them yet#there's so much i hate about higher ed but dammit i still want to learn. that might be the worst part of it all.#i want to keep learning but at the end of the day it's not about what i want. it's what an institution wants FOR me.#but that will not stop me from trying or from fighting for what i want. at least i have that.#anyway sorry for the long-ass ramble and for the delay but hopefully that answers your question sufficiently enough#and hopefully what i've said is useful to someone somewhere who might be in a weird spot like this#ask#answered#anon
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bibiana112 · 1 year ago
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Kinda weird question- do you have any links to people talking about Mira from ZTD and ableist stereotypes? I mentioned that I was uncomfortable with her portrayal but kinda fumbled it and made some other ND people in chat uncomfortable. I searched for various keyword combinations but most of what I'm finding is like "and not to mention the ableism with Mira" and doesn't elaborate lol.
Not weird at all! And uh, you see, there's a recent post I made where what I complain about is the very fact I've never seen anyone post too in-depth about her at all, I'd love to see posts that do elaborate on that but I do not have any that I know of right now, sorry :/ hopefully someone else who sees this can point to one? Okay!! After some tag searches I have found exactly one post who kind of gets into it I like this take still would love to see. more than just one but hooray
And like though I complain I couldn't elaborate much on it myself I don't think, I believe most of the posts people make about Saito from aitsf would apply since it's a different uchikoshi take on the very same trope of "emotionless characters who cannot function without killing others" I guess he's a worse portrayal though since she's at least not stated to get reward brain chemicals when killing people and I guess her case also has the added layer of "femme fatale" to it? Which either makes it less bad or worse depending on where you approach it from As I said I am not doing a good job of being coherent on this oh and also there's her being "redeemed" and "cured" in the epilogue which in on itself is kinda not great to imply it just goes away like that and honestly I personally don't even buy it I think she'd just be like oh okay Akane over here has like a thousand reasons to hate me after all that oh and what's that she's the leader of a super wealthy underground organization who's organized one of these death traps before yeah no I'm better off going to prison I'll be fine there lmao bye
But I'll say as an autistic person with relatively low empathy I usually see a character who just doesn't understand other people's feelings and wants to feel them too and is just trying to survive despite getting no help and I just kinda go hm. yeah. shout-out to roxas kingdom hearts shout out to mary from ib shout out that's why I started hyperfixating on media art helps me with understanding others a great lot and Mira is just in a story too badly executed for me to care or even begin to wrap my head around tbh like god she's so fucking terribly used as a plot device in every conceivable way that it makes it difficult to see past it and into what she could possibly be if it weren't for the stereotype of equalling low empathy with no compassion what's with her killing off screen in ways that wildly deviate from her stated m.o? why or how was she even in cahoots with Zero why was that a thing? Honestly her dynamic with Sean could have been better fleshed out could have done something interesting about robot child and his aspd big sis but we just kind of don't get any attention brought to the subject of emotions and the authenticity there of except for the "reveal"...
YOU KNOW WHAT that's probably one huge reason it feels so fucked up actually! Like the whole fucking game is written so you could experience it in whatever order you want and therefore Mira being a serial killer at all is something that though not very well hidden it also cannot be a topic of discussion or explored Ever ever because the player may not have seen the fragment where that is revealed yet- problem being the menu design of that game sucks so bad and practically everyone gravitates towards the same few more interesting looking thumbnails first and then the rest is kinda just there, I mean that is part of the reason A Lot of characters feel half-baked I think but also I think it definitely does impact perception of her character specifically probably The Most and then there's just the general not being given nuance not being able to see the minutiae of how that disorder manifests in her character aside from the killings about how she acts aside from being overly flirty trying to lure in Eric but that affects pretty much all of the new cast we don't have last names and in her case we barely have any backstory at all like Saito is a harmful stereotype sure but we get So Much Context for him that people still love talking about him and delving into different aspects of his life since we have that very well telegraphed in the narrative meanwhile for Mira all we can do is fill in the blanks guesswork that only highlights the worst aspects of the surface level portrayal we got and ultimately that people just don't care enough to dissect because there isn't much there character wise once you remove it
#oh to be miraposting on a sunday evening instead of catching up on schoolwork#I love how you can see the exact moment while writing this that I had a brain blast akdhks#me: sorry I can't elaborate also me: types out. three paragraphs#also if you're comfortable with that I'm curious what you could have possibly said that it'd be considered fumbling#dms are open if you send it into an ask I'll answer privately and again only if you want to share#cause like I want to see different perspectives on this so bad even if they're not eloquent#especially since it's not really something that ever got to me much? but that I can kinda see why it'd be upsetting#my suspension of disbelief is just too tanked for it to get an emotional reaction of me especially with the rest of the cast for contrast#I'm too busy being annoyed at everyone else's portrayal in that game not to mention idk it feels like#like schlocky hollywood no thoughts character archetype go brr type ableism#not the really insidious woven into the narrative stuff that I usually want to rant about cough cough youtube video I'll probably never mak#like pretty sure it's stated somewhere that the idea for her character was uchikoshi going hm. there's been femme fatales in these games#but none of them have been Really “Fatale” you know? he literally just wanted the big booba character to also be the stabby character#zero escape#ztd#mira ztd#if this should be under a readmore. let me know#zero escape spoilers#escape room convention but it's a time loop
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msrandonstuff · 1 year ago
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omggg i fucking hate my friend that doesn't matter WHAT i buy he's always like "but on amazon is cheaper"
OKAYYY????
I DON'T FUCKING CARE
IF I WANTED TO BUY ON AMAZON I WOULD'VE FUCKING BOUGHT IT ON AMAZON
HAVE YA EVER *THOUGHT* ABOUT THAT POSSIBILITY??????
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skyteglad · 2 years ago
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the latest aita is making me sad. the teeth one. because like... when i was a kid, i was told to have braces! and that i'd need an eventual surgery! and because i didn't want to, my parents didn't make me.
that surgery would've changed my life. i'm not fucking kidding. i'm pretty sure 75% of my physical disabilities stem from not getting that surgery. and by the time i was able to bring up trying to have corrective work again, i was two years from losing my insurance, and my parents procrastinated. now it seems like a pipe dream it'll ever happen.
i get being resentful of your parents forcing you to do things you don't want to do, but god damn, if mine had actually really pushed me into getting braces, my life would be so much different and so much better.
#riot.txt#personal#vent#sorry i'm just. really emotional and maybe a lil triggered#bc SO MUCH of my physical and mental health problems can be stemmed to my jaw#and my teeth.#bc i didn't get that surgery i can't swallow easily. i can't take medication i severely need. my back and neck are bent in ways i can't und#due to lack of breathing. i can't sit up straight bc i can't breathe and that's caused so much damage to me!#if they'd have pushed me into caring for my teeth and my body it would've saved me SO much heartache and pain. i'll have no way of knowing#how different life would be#but i know for a FACT i wouldn't have certain issues i have now... i'd be on mental health medication i wouldn't have chronic pain i'd be#able to function in society without feeling like a burden who'll never be able to get on social security#idk im jst... PLEASE iff you have the chance to have orthopedic work done - DO IT.#if your PARENTS are going to be footing the bill and have good insurance i PROMISE thats a fucking blessing#bc i can't work anymore and the surgery i need that might fix a lot of my life is in the tens of thousands without insurance that i cant bu#anyways sorry to ramble n trauma dump but its my blog and if ANYONE sees this and it helps them or convinces them to get work done while#they can then. idk. feels worth it to be vulnerable :'3#EDIT: also like... if they'd forced me sure i'd be resentful#but ykw i am rn? even more resentful for the intense medical neglect that stemmed from 'well he doesn't want to so lets not make him'#most kids don't want to go to the doctor. maybe if they'd taken me regularily to a fucking doctor i'd have more answers for what's wrong wm#like... god i'd have hated braces then bc ofc i would i was a kid#but i hate even more now knowing just how fucking NEGLECTED i was as a kid bc they let me make my own choices by going the hands off approa#iunno. anyways. nah on that aita. you're allowed to be upset and resent him for it but GOD he is not an asshole for caring about you#'your body your choice' does not apply here at all. i'm so sorry to tell u this. fdkgfdhgkjdgd#EDIT 2: didn't even MENTION the fact i have dehibilitating chronic migraines and headache that i suspect are directly tied to my poor denta#health!! LIKE. AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK FOR THE ENTIRE DAY#SOMETIMES (OFTEN) MUTLIPLE TIMES A WEEK.#i only JST NOW got access to medicatio to help w it and i CAN'T. SWALLOW. THE MEDICATION THAT PREVENTS THE MIGRAINE FROM GETTING WORSE#I CAN ONLY SWALLOW THE DAILY MED... BC ITS _SO FUCKING TINY_.#aahghghfgdfhgdfjd -puts face in hands-
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trans-leek-cookie · 3 months ago
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post. Post-posting clarity where you're like "wtf was I talking about". But also post-posting confusion where you're also like "wtf was I talking about" but it's less about your mental state While Posting and more about "okay. I've written many words. I remember. Approximately 20% of them. What the fuck are the rest of these?"
#I mostly get the latter bc I'm like ''i wrote so much wtf was I talking abouut'' NOT with a judgmental tone like#''oh this makes no sense this is nothing''#But rather it's me going.#''what did I just write?'' and the answer being ''i don't know. I'm scared''#Im wondering if it's an autism/adhd thing if ''i tend to get really fixated on something and when that thing is complex that it becomes#Really difficult or me to tell what I've typed out versus what I've been ruminating on- which can lead to me making similar posts/points#Because I'm trying to make sure I did Actually Write My Thoughts Down So I Dont Forget'' and is also something that happens in conversation#Because sometimes I script interactions in my head to the point I can't tell what's an Actual Memory Of An Interaction versus#My Prediction/Preparation For An Interaction which. Is not fun and feels bad.#OR if it's more of a memory issue/maybe brain fog thing where my brain straight up Doesn't Form The Memory Properly or doesn't let me#Fucking. What's the word. Idk maybe I have some kinda fuckin cognitive dysfunction that makes it really hard to think through what I say#So I just try to power through because otherwise I'll get stuck and forget. Maybe it's both?#Anyway w the cognitive dysfunction/brain fog thing I've been kinda wondering if I have like. Idk some form of trauma to my brain because#Like. It's not uh. Obviously externally noticable I guess but like. When I started noticing my issues it like. Maybe that could be a reason#Ofc it may be my Other Disorders but I tend to fixate on Possible Diagnosed For Things. And while I don't have any concrete like#''that was definitely a TBI'' things there are some things where it's like. ''hm. That might be significant''#ANYWAYS speaking of memory I am garbage at self reporting symptoms bc gun to my head I could not tell you how often I experience them#It's just. Well either I'm currently experiencing them. have a limited number of Specific Memories. Or have 0 fucking clue if it has ever#Happened to me. Because my memory is just really fucking helpful. End post
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cartoonghosts · 3 months ago
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everything is terrible actually
#I really just need a hug I think#I havent had real serious physical affection in so long#I know I dont deserve jt no one does and Its a fucked up thing to make other people do things to help me#But fuck dude I just want someone to come up to me and grab my hand or hug me#My platonic partner used to do it all the time but we're on a break and I need to rely on them less#I keep befriending people who dont like physical touch and I am gonna stab something#Truly I just need one person who I can lean on or cuddle with casually#Ideally more than one!! But like. Idk#I need to get over myself this isnt an actual need im acting selfish and entitled#I know that the only real answer here is Get Over It or die#And ive been trying to get over it for years#Ive stopped initiating physical touch bc I dont want to make people uncomfortable#And im worried that that means that people assume I am uncomfortable with it#Bc I never mention how deep a need it is to me to know im even just being tolerated#But if I mention that theyxll feel pressured#Ugh#The worst part is I cant actually kms bc of this until at least after May is here cause I know that she's good with that stuff#And maybe once shes here i'll be okay#Happily codependent with the person ive been close with for the longest time since fourth grade#But ughhhhhhhhh terrube to have to wait over 400 more days. I will do it for her but oh ny god I am rotting from the inside out#I do not want her to come home to a decayed corpse but I dont knkw how much longer I can keep this up#(Not talking specifically abt touch that would be weird and dramatic as shit this is generally Everything)#May forgive me if u come to seattle and im a shell of the person I was when u met me
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drop-dead-dropout · 8 months ago
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and even then, that won't help if you're institutionalized as a minor.
You wanna actually help institutionalized mentally ill people? Get them legal help. Post their rights on the walls. Give them access to phones and lawyers. “My small business sells cutsie scrubs for inpatients!!!” literally nobody cares what they are wearing in the fucking hospital but you Becca. shut the fuck up
#my rights (which WERE helpfully posted on the walls) were violated many times#in various loopholey ways that were transparently about keeping them out of trouble#for example they'dfind clever ways to not let you eat while having some paper thin excuse of you're not “safe” to be in whatever eating are#(generalized language cause I've been to ten of these places(#same for not letting you use the bathroom#though one time they went full mask off and said “you talk back so i don't want to open the bathroom for you”#every time I'd complain to the shift leads (who were often the ones doing it)#to my therapist and parents (who suddenly became a fountain of excuses for them)#to those little complaint forms (four years and i never once got answered.)#there was literally Nothing i could do#or if there was my FOURTEEN YEAR OLD SELF was not properly informed of it#this isn't even getting into all the times i got physically assaulted by other patients and basically morning was done#i got beat up 7 times in 14 days at one ward#guess what they did when they noticed the very obvious pattern of me getting targeted by violence?#NOTHING#they literally even had a 2nd ward for my age group THAT I HAD BEEN IN PREVIOUSLY but nooooooo they couldn't move me!#that's too much WORK#meanwhile i went to sleep with hair pulled out of my scalp and bruises forming on the back of my neck#and don't even get me STARTED on how many medications they put me on and didn't tell me the side effects EVEN WHEN I ASKED#i took antipsycotics for multiple YEARS not knowing they were the cause of my sudden & unexpected weight gain#and involuntary movements and general body fuckery#and they made me take it in the MORNING and then i got in trouble if i was sleeping during the day#EVEN THOUGH IT CAUSES DROWSINESS AND I WAS TAKING A QUITE HIGH DOSE?? AT SEVEN IN THE MORNING???#jesus. i'm sorry for the rant#4 years.#4 years of this#it's over but idk if i'll ever truly heal 😚🤣😜!!!#antipsychiatry#anti psych
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bratbarzal · 11 days ago
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for ur valentines blurb pretty please these prompts with quinn hughes ☺️😘
¹⁾ “you really planned this?! remind me how you’re single, again?”
⁴⁾ “c’mon, like i need an excuse to spend time with you.”
⁵⁾ “i can’t help but think that this is a little more effort than someone would normally put in for their friend.”
✩‧₊˚ bratbarzal's valentines event!˚₊‧✩
idk why I give prompts and then continue to go off script but I honestly think I have a problem with being told what to do lmao. something about scripted sentence cuts a creative wire in my brain. THE SENTIMENT OF WHAT I WROTE IS THE SAME!!!!! I promise. also I like this one lmao!! I hope you like it too thanks for requesting!! and stacking the prompts is very cool gave me a nice little story to follow I love it!!! I wrote this whole thing and realised I didn't mention valentines once, but it's belated, so..... we're going to pretend it's okay I've decided on your behalf thanks love you
this ended up at 3.4k words lol - warnings for fade to black type smut, slightly angsty
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Quinn: you coming over tonight?
A text from him has never filled you with anxiety like this.
But then again, for as long as the two of you have been friends, you've never actively avoided Quinn until now.
Monday had been one word answers, Tuesday had been emojis, Wednesday had been reactions, and Thursday had been radio silence, because he hadn't texted you, anyway.
It's not that you're mad at him. You wish you could be mad - wish you had any reason other than your own shame to be turning down all attempts at contact. But instead, all you can think when you see his name is how much you had fucked everything up the last time you saw him.
You: idk
And only because you feel instantly bad about how short that is, you immediately follow up with:
You: work has kicked my ass this week
You see the little dots keep popping up, and you're only torturing yourself to watch them come and go as he figures out what to say - how to salvage what you'd so carelessly made a gigantic mess of only last weekend.
You should really just say yes, you think - be the bigger person. Fridays have been your thing, all season. The day of the week he most frequently has the night off, and an end to your usually-hectic work-week, it has just made sense for the two of you to hang out, to make a routine of doing so.
Bailing on him is harsh, you know that. And with such a weak excuse too - you've had much worse times in your job, and it's never come between the two of you before.
And you know that he knows what you're doing. It's obvious. It's just whether he's in any mood to try and recover whatever scraps of your friendship still remain. Whether he even cares, anymore.
Quinn: please?
The two minutes it took for him to type just one word dragged longer than they ever have in your life, and you blink at your phone screen as you see the dots jump up again.
You chew nervously at your lip and wait, tapping your foot against the side of your desk and watching this time as it stays.
Quinn: I've already bought enough to cook for us both
He's such a guilt tripper.
You sigh, typing back and sending an immediate response, figuring a week of the bare minimum is punishment enough without blanking him or making him wait.
You: okay
A heart pops up below your message almost immediately, the reaction only worsening your anxiety at the thought of how hard keeping your distance is.
You: I'm finishing later than usual, should be there around 8
Quinn: ok I'll have dinner ready for then!
--
You knock on Quinn's door a little after 8pm - still in your work clothes, although that is usually how you come over, in your defence. Quinn loans you something comfy, and you usually change, but changing means staying over, and you're kind of trying to avoid all that again.
So when he welcomes you in, you awkwardly pat at his back as he tries to embrace you, before hovering around the kitchen instead of making your way back to his room.
He frowns a little as he watches you - he's in a hoodie and sweats, settled in now for the night with no intentions of getting back up once the two of you have eventually sunk down into the couch together - and waits a second to see if you're just on a delay, if you're just beat from work, like you said.
"I left a change of clothes for you on my bed," he says once he realises you aren't shifting, glancing quickly at you before he starts to busy himself with dishing up dinner.
"I'm good," you tell him, short, with a tight lipped smile sent his way when his eyes meet yours, narrowed in curiosity.
You're wearing a skirt and heels, for Christ's sake, and a blouse that's a little too restrictive around your shoulders. You've been in them all day, too. Of course you aren't good, and of course he knows that, but he drops it, a resigned nod and an awkward shift of his gaze back to the task at hand, spooning an assortment of green vegetables beside the rice on your plate.
You chance a good look at him while he's distracted - his hair soft, pushed back messily in a way that makes it flop straight back into place, and he looks a little tired, but he's had a long week, too. Back in training, pushing himself, dealing with a best friend who isn't reciprocating his energy. He's probably exhausted.
His jaw is clenched as he finishes the meal off, clattering utensils a little louder the longer you're quiet, and letting out heavy sighs when he's clearly growing more frustrated with how little you're giving back.
"How was work?" he tries, reaching into the draw and retrieving a knife and fork for the two of you.
"Long," you sigh, offering a small smile when he looks over to let him know that this particular instance of a short response isn't personal. You are genuinely exhausted - you'd worked an extra long day, just to get a major project finished, and, if you're honest, you're just ready for bed. "Glad it's the weekend, I'm probably gonna hit my pillow tonight and not see tomorrow."
The initial spark that lit up in his eyes when you started speaking a full sentence to him dulled immediately when he realised that you had all intentions of going home.
"You're not staying over?"
"I can hardly sleep here until Sunday, Quinn, that would be insane." Like you haven't spent consecutive days around his apartment, before. Like you haven't spent weeks with him back at his lake house in Michigan in the summer. Like the two of you didn't isolate together when you both got covid, probably from each other.
He nods, brief and sharp, jaw tensing again as he mutters out a bitter, "Right."
God, this is hard.
"Do you want me to carry anything?" You ask, trying to be helpful, just to make yourself feel better.
He wordlessly hands over the cutlery before turning to grab both plates on his own, nodding for you to make your way out of the kitchen for him to follow.
You do as he asks, holding the door for him so he doesn't struggle, stepping nervously behind him as he guides you through to where he's set the dining table up.
His curtains are drawn, a picturesque view of the nightlife of downtown Vancouver, twinkling city lights and the distant flash of vehicles passing by below stands as the most perfect backdrop to his set-up - the table candle-lit, a vase of fresh flowers in the middle, wine glasses and a salad bowl situated around the nice placemats you'd made him buy the last time the two of you went shopping together.
You hesitate when you get a little closer, eyeing up the setting reluctantly as Quinn places the plates in your retrospective places.
He's usually neat when it comes to his dinner table - usually likes to set things up so that they look nice, placemats, coasters. cutlery and napkins - but it's never like this.
"What's all this?" You ask, meeting his eye as he leans across the table to place down the knives and forks you hand to him.
"You said you had a bad week," he shrugs, "Wanted to do something nice."
He shuffles around you, the light placement of his hand on your hip as he does so jolting you toward the table, head swivelling to watch him disappear back toward the kitchen.
"You planned this?" you call after him, turning to look down at everything - a meal that he cooked, something nutritious and filling, knowing you wouldn't have the energy to make as much yourself, pretty flowers, and a calm, ambient atmosphere flooding the room. Your fingers poke softly at the petals on the flowers, lifting them a little to get a better look, mindful of the roses in the arrangement, careful not to be pricked by their thorns. "And you said you didn't think you'd be a good boyfriend,"
The latter sentence is muttered to yourself more than anything, a remembrance of something he'd said a while ago now - something that had always been in the back of your mind when you considered anything more - but your heart drops when you hear him chuckle from not too far behind, spinning on your heels to look at him, wide-eyed and apologetic. "I didnt-,"
“It’s fine,” he assures you, dipping his head but still keeping his gaze on yours, “Wine?”
He holds the bottle up in one hand, and your mouth goes a little dry at the sight of the label, mind going straight back to this time last week, when you had shared a few glasses with him. When things had gone too far.
Quinn's hands were holding you in place on his lap, soft fingers slipping under the hem of his sweatshirt that you wore, sliding up to press into the warm skin of your back, rocking you on his lap as his tongue swiped languidly against your own.
You couldn't quite tell whose mouth the taste of plummy Malbec sat within, but at that point, you didn't care - you'd both drunk enough of it to find yourselves in such a situation, you were at equal fault.
Not that any of it felt wrong in the moment, his hips bucking up as you straddled his thighs, your fingers clutching where his hair grew thick at the back of his neck. Quinn was humming soft, delicious groans straight between your lips, his own closing around your tongue as he sucked on it - all other bodily movements frantic and stuttered until he was repositioning the two of you, laying you back on the couch and gripping the elastic waist of your sweatpants.
It can't have been wrong - not with how easy it all unfolded, your hips lifting until he slid your bottoms off, his fingertips sneaking their beneath the hem of your panties - too drunk to care how sexy they might have been, never expecting to have to even consider such a thing around Quinn - all the while his mouth pressing firm, bruising kisses to your own.
"I shouldn't, I'm driving," you mumble, a soft shake of your head supposed to let him down easy, and to bring your senses back to the present, but his frown just deepens, the crease between his eyebrows now almost a fold.
"You can stay, you know," he tells you, pouring his own glass. "I don't care if you sleep until Sunday, it's not like you haven't spent the weekend before."
"I don't know," You sit cautiously in your seat, watching as he lowers into his own, face morphing into a hard scowl before he lets out a heavy sigh. "What?"
"It's like you've been making excuses not to hang out."
"Or maybe you've been making excuses to hang out," you retort, cringing yourself at how stupid it sounds, looking down into your lap as you place your napkin there so that he can't see the visible curl of your features.
"That doesn't even make sense," you know that, obviously, but you've been avoiding him for a reason - you don't want to have this conversation. You're not ready. "I don't need an excuse, we're friends, it's what friends do."
And God, you wish he'd just stop saying it. It's getting annoying now, your jaw tensing as you huff a short breath out, still keeping your head down to avoid him reading you like an open book - a book that may as well be pictures, at this point, or written for children with the most basic reading comprehension, one sentence per page and clear as day.
"What friends do," you mutter, in disbelief. He's one to talk about what friends do.
Friends don't do what you did last week.
Quinn's body had pretty much completely flopped onto yours, his chest rising and falling in heavy pants, but still careful enough not to bare all his weight on you so that yours could do the same.
Your skin felt clammy all over, baby hairs sticking to the back of your neck and your forehead, your neck slick from where his lips had been pressing all into it, sucking and nipping and you swear you'd even felt the glorious scratch of teeth at one point, and the heat of him above you was doing little to remedy the feeling.
You brought a hand up, almost absent-mindedly, to scratch softly at the back of his head as he came down, an overwhelming dizziness gripping at your eyelids, pulling you down as you felt him follow.
"You're making me feel like I'm going crazy," you sigh, "You can't seriously set all this up and not realise that it's way more effort than anyone would normally put in for someone that's just a friend,"
"You're not just anything," he counters, "When did I say you were just anything?"
He looks annoyed, that much is obvious - and yeah, you've technically been avoiding him, just like he assumes, but he was the one who made you feel like you had to.
A soft, sleepy groan was the first sound that brought you into consciousness the next morning - raspy and thick, and so close to your ear that the feeling of it buzzed the whole way down to your toes.
Then came unassuming movements, a twist of his torso, a shuffle of his hips, the stretch of his legs, all of which had been pressed right against all the same parts of your body - the sticky warmth of him catching your skin and rousing you fully from your sleep.
His arms tightened their hold around you before you really thought he knew what he was doing - a lethargic sigh huffing from his nostrils as he got comfortable again - and you had maybe a solid minute in his embrace until he fully came to.
The two of you were naked, one of the throws from the back of the couch draped lazily over your modesty, but that didn't really matter when you could feel the heavy press of him all over - your chest, your stomach, your hips, your thighs.
His fingers tightened, pressing a little into your waist before his touch disappeared completely. Before he was retreating, untangling himself from your body and sitting up. You felt the couch move as he shuffled around doing God-knows-what - felt the soft drape of the throw back over your body, and the whoosh of cold that followed and refused to leave.
When you dared to open your eyes, he was sat on the other side, leaning over, head in his hands after shrugging his boxers back on.
"Quinn?" you asked, your own voice thick with sleep, straightening to face him properly and rubbing at your eyes until they focused. "What's going on?"
"How much did we have to drink last night?"
Your heart dropped at the question, but your eyes floated over to the coffee table, two empty bottles standing on the other side. "A lot, I guess."
"Shit," he cursed, pushing himself up and pacing in front of the couch, refusing to look at you. "Fuck."
"Q, you're making me dizzy."
"I just," he stopped in place and scratched at the back of his neck, eyes lowering down your body in a way that made heat creep back up your neck, and your shoulders practically fold in on themselves consciously. "I didn't mean for it to go that far."
Your lips parted, although you didn't really know what to say to that. All you could do was nod, stuttered and slow, your gaze shifting too until it landed on the carpeted rug in front of him, focusing too hard on the pattern. "It's fine."
You could feel the weight of his stormy stare, but you couldn't look up - too afraid of rejection, too afraid of regret.
"We're friends, you know, you're-,"
"I know," you confirmed, not needing to hear how he didn't ever intend to be anything more. "We were drunk, Q, it's fine."
Your attempt at a reassuring smile probably looked a little more like a grimace, but you were saved probably by the fact that the two of you had had a lot to drink, and you were honestly a little queasy.
And maybe it had been the cold hard slap of rejection you woke up to that made you feel that way - after years of wanting more with Quinn - but he didn't need to know that. Not if he was already 10 toes deep into a regret spiral so soon after opening his eyes.
"We're friends."
"You said it last Saturday," you frown, "Saturday morning."
"No, you said we were drunk. I said we were friends, but you cut me off-,"
"Yeah, 'cause I didn't really want the first thing you said to me that morning to be that you made a mistake!"
"And here you are again, cutting me off!" his voice is a little raised now - so unlike the soft-spoken Quinn you're used to - easy going and well natured. "I can't win with you, you're either avoiding me like the plague, or you're not letting me speak, either way, I can't clear all this up!"
"What's there to clear up?" you scoff, "I don't need you to hold my hand and give me the full speech, okay, I get it, you don't want to be anything more than-," your body is jolted quickly by the sudden scrape of your chair across the floor, Quinn's grip firm on the leg as he pulls, "Hey, what are you-,"
And he's at the perfect height, then, to meet your lips once you're close enough, his hand leaving the chair to grip at your face - hold you in place so that you can't protest, can't cut him off in this, too, like you have been doing with every other way he's tried to communicate his feelings for you.
His kiss feels familiar, achingly so, the swipe of his tongue soft at the parting of your lips, his own mouth closing in a soft pressure against yours, over and over at a disorienting intensity - all thoughts melting away at his endeavour.
When he pulls away, he keeps his hands in place, watching intently as your eyes flutter open, and you slowly sink back into consciousness, pupils blown when they meet his, intense in their focus on you.
"You're really important to me."
You frown, because your brain will only allow you to process that as the start of rejection - followed by, which is why we can't go further - but that's not the direction Quinn is taking this.
"I wanted to do all of this right. That's why I freaked out last week. I didn't want you to think it was a drunken mistake."
Oh.
You're still a little dazed from the kiss, if you're honest, and so you find yourself blinking slowly back at him, mouth bopping open and closed while you figure out what to say.
"What?" Is all that comes out when you find your voice, watching as he rolls his eyes - part exasperated, part amused.
"Now you have nothing to say?" He scoffs, thumb swiping gently at your cheek as if to show you he's kidding. "I like you. I have for a while, and I want to be more than friends. I want you to stay at my place whenever you come over, and wear my clothes, and eat my food, and drink my wine," he lists, dipping his head closer and closer until you're face to face, a mere inch or two from him kissing you again. "And I want you to sleep here until Sunday. Maybe even after."
"Okay." you respond - the kind of one word answer you've been throwing his way to avoid getting hurt all week. And because you feel guilty, you add, "I want all that, too."
He breathes out a sigh of relief, closing his eyes and smiling slowly - an infectious kind of smile, that has you doing it right back, noses just brushing before you kiss him, again.
Stone cold sober, no longer looking to avoid your feelings, with the intention of being so much more than his friend.
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