#so i'm taking the lazy way out and just posting my app + a few more tidbits

[syuga-s]

i made my fiancés tinder profile

w.c. 8.5k pairing. non-idol!jeon jungkook x fem!reader genre. cute and angsty friends to lovers <333 a/n. idk guys i wrote this like a month ago but I JUST GOT THE ENERGY TO POST IT so i apologize in advance if you find mistakes here and there, ALSO i made the playlist that inspired me to make this fic so i'll just leave it here if you want to give it a listen or save it don't look at my other playlists tho they're a mess 🦦

You always thought you were pretty good at giving dating advice. It’s easier when you’re not the one doing the dating, right? That’s how it all started with Jungkook. You two were chilling at your apartment one lazy Sunday afternoon when you suddenly blurted out, “Why are you still single, Jungkook? You’re amazing, good-looking, and fun. You should at least be on like three different dating apps.”

He laughed, running a hand through his hair in that effortlessly cool way he always did. “Dunno' just haven’t found the right person,” he said with a smile that made you heart do a weird little flip. “I don’t think I’m good at dating, haha.”

“You’re ridiculous,” you shot back, sitting up. “Let's make you an account. We’ll get you some matches in no time.”

He hesitated for a second, then shrugged. “Sure, let's do it.”

And that’s how you ended up setting up his profile, not realizing that this would be the beginning of the end of your denial and the start of a love story you never saw coming.

You grabbed his phone and he settled onto the couch next to you. “Okay, first things first. We need some killer photos. Let’s start with your main picture.”

You opened the camera app. You sat there, looking at his phone for a minute before he let out a loud laugh.

You looked up. “What is it?"

He grinned, pointing at something behind you. "It's just Tae taking a picture of us setting up a dating profile," Jungkook said, chuckling.

You turned around to see Taehyung standing in the doorway, holding his phone up with a huge grin on his face. "Don't mind me," Taehyung sang out, winking at the two of you. "Just capturing this for posterity."

Tae showed Jungkook the picture and a fit of laughter erupted again, now from the two of them. "Your face! You look so focused and super serious right now."

Rolling your eyes, you lightly smacked his arm. "This is serious business! We need to find the perfect picture to reel in all the potential matches."

Then you started browsing through his photo gallery to curate the most attractive selection of pictures.

There you had him on the gym doing weights, him on his boxing gear, with his dogs, him doing the dishes with a strangely tight black shirt, a few selfies on his car, with his motorcycle. You could sell a whole album with his photos, how on earth would you do him justice and only choose 10 of them?

"Why is this so hard?"

Jungkook chuckled. "Because you're not choosing photos for a profile, you're trying to find a reason to stare at me and my body for too long."

"Boy, I'm trying to help you here, and if I'm gonna do it, I might as well do this like a professional matchmaker." You retorted.

His eyebrows furrowed. "When have you ever paired someone up?"

You smiled smugly. "That's none of your business, Jeon."

"It is, actually, since you're helping me with this thing."

"Fine, if you must know, I hooked up one my friend's older sister with my college roommate."

"Really? How did that go?" He asked, curious.

"Pretty well, they've been together for a couple years now." You answered, still going through his photos.

"Wasn't your college roommate that guy with the blue hair?" He asked, his tone changing slightly.

"Uh-huh, why?"

"Wasn't he the guy you were dating during our third year?"

"Oh yeah, I forgot about that."

"How can you forget about him?" He sounded annoyed. "You spent an entire week crying in my bed because he broke up with you."

"Oh my god, did I? I don't recall." You were playing dumb, of course you remembered but there was no need to talk about that. "What do you think of this one?" It was a shirtless picture, point blank.

"I think you look kinda slutty but everyone's gonna eat it up, you'll get a date in no time." You continued.

"I am not posting a shirtless picture, are you crazy?" He snatched the phone from your hand.

"Well, it's not like we're gonna sell the damn picture, it's just your torso and the picture is really nice, you look good, I don't know why you're making such a fuss."

He didn't say anything, just looked at you.

"What? I'm complimenting you, it's the truth." You rolled your eyes.

"Okay, thank you." He was blushing.

"Are you blushing?" You asked, amused.

"No, it's just really hot in here." He took off his hoodie, throwing it somewhere in your living room.

You didn't even realize how close he was sitting next to you. It wasn't like it was the first time he'd been on your couch, but something felt different today. It was strange.

All the photos that you chose showcased different aspects of Jungkook's personality. Each photo told a story about him - his love for his dogs, his passion for staying active, his playful side with silly selfies. As you scrolled through his gallery, you couldn't help but notice the genuine smile on his face in many of the pictures, a smile that seemed to light up the whole world.

After him putting up a fight on choosing his favorite photos of him, next you had to write him something for his bio.

Jungkook leaned in closer to read over your shoulder.

"This is stupid, what do you want me to write? My name, my age, my occupation?" He was whining.

"Yes, those things obviously, but also things like, I don't know a joke or something to sum up your personality. I want them to know you're fun and cute, mind-blowingly good at everything, something along those lines."

"I am mind-blowingly good at everything." He said, his tone confident.

You rolled your eyes.

"So let's say, what if I write 'shit i'd date the hell out of me', you like it?" You asked him with a smile.

He laughed. "I do, I really do."

"Okay, it's settled." You wrote down the phrase, and a bunch of things about him.

"Now we just have to add something that will hook them up."

"Like what?"

"I don't know, just be honest. Just, don't write that you're looking for a girl to have sex with."

"But I am looking for a girl to have sex with." Blank expression on his face.

"You are so dumb sometimes." You threw a pillow at his face.

He caught it mid-air. "God, you know I'm not look— this was YOUR IDEA IN THE FIRST PLACE!" He yelled, trying to defend himself.

"Yeah, but, just write something that will make you look not like a manwhore."

He thought for a moment. "I know, I got it."

"Okay, shoot."

"I'm a manwhore." He had the brightest smile.

"Oh, for the love of..." You couldn't help but laugh at his antics. "Alright, fine. If that's what you want to go with, who am I to stop you?"

You two were done, and he was already getting notifications.

"Woah, that was... surprisingly fast." He was surprised, and you were proud of yourself.

"Of course, you're hot and cute. We don't see your type in dating apps very often."

He gave you a weird look, you couldn't quite figure out. "Thanks?"

"No worries, I'm sure you'll find someone in no time." You patted him on the back as you were getting up and ready to go to the kitchen and make some dinner. "See who you like and I'll help you on how to ask them on a date."

"Okay." He smiled.

"What are you smiling at? Are you looking at them already?"

"Yeah, I'm trying to see which one of these girls will be our first victim."

"Don't call them victims." You laughed.

The truth is that Jungkook only agreed to this because he loves spending time with you.

As you busied yourself in the kitchen, Jungkook couldn't shake the warmth spreading through his chest. He scrolled through the notifications on his phone, half-heartedly swiping left and right. His mind wasn't on finding a date; it was on you.

He couldn't believe he agreed to this. Making a profile on Tinder just to humor the best friend he was in love with, seemed harmless at first, but now, seeing the app light up with potential matches, he felt burdened. He wasn't here to date. He was here because he wanted to be closer to you, even if it meant pretending to search for someone else.

Each time a new message popped up, he found himself wondering if you'd approve. Would you laugh at the cheesy pickup lines together? Would you help him craft witty responses? He realized he didn't care about meeting any of these girls; he only cared about spending time with you.

But as much as he tried to focus on the dating app in front of him, his thoughts kept drifting back to you. To the way you laughed and teased him, to the way you always seemed to know what he needed even when he didn't realize it himself. Jungkook found himself longing for something he couldn't quite name, a feeling that stirred deep within him whenever he was near you.

He sighed, setting his phone down on the coffee table as he leaned back on the couch because he didn't bother looking through any of the profiles. Instead he made his way to the kitchen, where you were standing over a pot, stirring absentmindedly.

He stepped up behind you, watching as you stirred. His chest was warm, and he had a strange urge to wrap his arms around you and nuzzle his nose into your neck.

"Hey," he said, his voice soft.

You turned your head slightly, not looking at him but smiling. "Hey."

Jungkook took a step closer, placing his hand over yours. "Let me help," he said.

You handed him the wooden spoon, your fingers brushing against his in the exchange. He stirred the pot gently, mirroring the way he wanted to handle your heart. Neither of you spoke, the only sound filling the room was the clinking of utensils against the pot.

"You okay there?" Your voice broke through his daydreaming.

He answered you softly while running a hand through his hair nervously. "Yeah, just... thinking."

As the aroma of the dish wafted through the air, you felt his warmth seeping into you, comforting and familiar. You couldn't ignore the heavy tension that hung between you, thick like a fog.

He cleared his throat, breaking the spell. "So... what do we do now?" His voice was low, almost a whisper.

You turned around to face him, his eyes searching yours for answers neither of you dared to voice. "We eat dummy," you said with a laugh.

You and Jungkook sat down for dinner, the tension from earlier still lingering between you. As you ate, you caught each other stealing glances when the other wasn't looking.

"So...have you looked at any of the matches yet?" you asked, trying to break the silence.

Jungkook shifted in his seat. "A few, but no one really caught my eye," he said evasively.

You nodded, poking at your food. "Well if you see anyone you like, let me know. I want to help."

"Thanks, I will," Jungkook said with a small smile.

You returned the smile weakly, a pang in your chest at the thought of Jungkook dating someone else. You had pushed the feelings down for so long, not wanting to jeopardize your friendship. But your dumb decision of making him a dating profile forced you to confront how you really felt.

After you finished eating together, Jungkook helped you with the dishes. You dried off your hands, and he was ready to leave. Almost as if he was on a rush.

"Thanks for making dinner," he said with a smile.

You nodded. "Of course, you know I love having you over."

You stood at the door awkwardly, not knowing what to say.

Jungkook cleared his throat. "I'll text you," he said.

You gave him a thumbs-up, your voice coming out more high-pitched than normal. "Yeah, cool. See ya later."

He chuckled and leaned down to give you a hug. You wrapped your arms around him, breathing in his scent. You held him a little longer than necessary, wanting to memorize the feeling of his arms enveloping you.

Jungkook's hand lingered on your shoulder as he pulled away.

"Goodnight," he said softly, his thumb brushing against your cheek before he turned to leave. You watched him go, feeling a mix of emotions swirling inside you. As the door closed behind him, you leaned against it, aching with the realization that you might have just pushed away the one person who meant more to you than just a friend.

If only you had the courage to do something.

The following week, you found yourself cleaning your house, the mess had piled up and you had a bunch of your clothes all over the place and that's when you found Jungkook's hoodie from last week. It had fallen between your couch and the wall, so you pulled it out with a considerable amount of force. That's when his iPod fell to the ground.

He still uses this thing? The corners of your mouth turned up involuntarily as you recalled teasing him about the ancient device.

You were surprised, most people uses their phones, or maybe he still has this thing because it was a present from you. If you hadn't seen it you wouldn't have remembered that you had given him this iPod for Christmas like 7 years ago.

You took the device in your hand and turned it on. You figured it would be nice to hear his playlists while you kept cleaning.

You should have just connected it and played it on shuffle. But I guess humans are very nosey creatures. Creatures who love to go through someone else's things, just to see another hidden side of said person.

So, like any other normal human being, you opened his lists, and started to go through them.

"Golden mix", "Euphoria", "OST's". Those were pretty standard. "Lonely nights" a bit of a stretch, "Best of the 00s", "Dance party" and "Songs to sing along". Fork found in kitchen. And there was one more playlist that caught your attention.

Simply labeled with— "Your name."

Your heart started beating faster. What is this?

You opened the playlist and you were welcomed by a list of what it seemed like... love songs.

The first one was "Best Friend". You didn't know what to think. Why did he have a playlist with songs like "Kiss me" by Matt Maltese, "Mountains" by Charlotte Day Wilson, "Making Time" by Rex Orange County. All love songs.

Then it hit you. He's in love.

You started panicking. Your heart racing with thoughts you couldn't ignore any longer. The playlist named after you echoed in your mind.

You couldn't believe it. Jungkook, your best friend, the one who always seemed so casual and carefree, had a playlist dedicated to you filled with love songs. Your mind raced as you tried to process this new information. Was it possible that he felt the same way you did? That the tension between you wasn't one-sided after all?

You sat down on the couch, still holding his iPod in your hands. The weight of it felt heavier now, as if it held all the unspoken words and emotions that had been swirling between you and Jungkook. You couldn't bring yourself to put it down; instead, you scrolled through the playlist again, each song title tugging at your heartstrings.

A sense of warmth washed over you, mingled with fear and uncertainty. What should you do now? Should you confront Jungkook about the playlist, lay all your cards on the table and risk changing everything between you? Or should you keep quiet, pretend you never stumbled upon this precious list?

You knew there was something going on, you weren't stupid. But you couldn't bring yourself to accept the possibility that the guy you love, might like you back. It's easier to pretend like nothing is happening. You have built this whole imaginary life with him in your head, but not once did you consider that it might be a two-way street.

"I already said I'm in love with you Can't you hear me? Why do you act like you don't? You know well the spark in my eyes when I look at you Can't you see it? Why do you act like you don't?"

You had been listening to the song on repeat for an hour. It was stuck in your head. Your heart was aching.

The reality was finally sinking in.

"He's in love with me," you whispered to yourself, the realization hitting you like a tidal wave. It explained so much—his kindness, his attentiveness, even his willingness to go along with making a stupid profile for a stupid dating app. But you had built walls around your heart, afraid to acknowledge the possibility that your feelings were reciprocated.

You felt a surge of emotions, a mix of joy and fear swirling inside you. Jungkook's unspoken confession through his playlist left you feeling exposed and vulnerable, yet strangely hopeful.

"Falling" played softly through the speakers, its lyrics painting a picture of longing and uncertainty. It mirrored your own inner turmoil, the battle between fear and listening to your heart for once.

You had spent so long convincing yourself that this was just a friendship, that any romantic thoughts were one-sided. Now, faced with the truth, you didn't know what to do next. Should you tell Jungkook? Should you pretend you never saw the playlist?

Your mind raced with questions, but deep down, you knew you couldn't ignore this any longer. Jungkook's feelings were out in the open, laid bare through these songs that said a lot about his emotions.

Taking a deep breath, you closed your eyes and let the music wash over you. Each melody, each lyric felt like a confession, a plea for you to see what had been in front of you all along.

"I already said I'm in love with you," the lyrics repeated in your mind, echoing the words you longed to hear from Jungkook himself.

The weight of the situation settled over you. You constructed the exact same playlist on your own phone, replaying it endlessly, searching for answers in the same songs he had chosen. It became a ritual, a way to understand what Jungkook hadn't yet said aloud. Each track felt like a message, a confession hidden in plain sight.

As days passed, the playlist became a lifeline, a connection to Jungkook that transcended words. You wondered if he knew the impact his secret gesture had on you, if he realized how deeply you analyzed each song, each lyric, each subtle hint of affection.

It was as if the playlist had become a conversation between your hearts, a silent dialogue that spoke volumes about your unspoken emotions. You couldn't deny the truth any longer—the love you felt for Jungkook had bloomed quietly, nurtured by his unwavering presence in your life and it reflected in the selection of songs carefully chosen by him.

And so you continued to listen, to immerse yourself in the music that spoke of love and longing. It was a soundtrack to his emotions, a testament to the unspeakable love that had grown between you and him.

The guys had planned a small gathering at your house. Hoseok, Jimin and Tae arrived at the same time around 8:00 p.m. with food, drinks and Cards Against Humanity. They were already having fun when they rang the bell.

"Hey," you said as you opened the door.

"Hey!" they greeted you.

You all headed towards the living room and they placed the things they brought on the table.

You chuckled, feeling a wave of warmth at their enthusiasm. "Thanks for coming, guys. I've got the place ready—cleaned up only for you the other day," you teased, motioning towards the neatly arranged living room.

As you all settled in, chatting and unpacking the snacks and games, there was a noticeable absence. Jungkook hadn't arrived yet, and though you tried not to dwell on it, his absence didn't go unnoticed by your friends.

"Where's Jungkook?" Tae finally asked, voicing the question that lingered in the air.

You shrugged nonchalantly, though your heart skipped a beat at the mention of his name. "Not sure. He said he might be a bit late."

Hoseok raised an eyebrow, exchanging a knowing look with Jimin. "Didn't he say he was gonna meet with someone from Tinder?"

"Tinder?"

"You know, the dating app," Tae chimed in, taking a bite of a snack.

"I know what Tinder is Tae,” you replied with a laugh, trying to keep your cool.

"So you didn't know he was on a date?"

"No, he didn't tell me. Are you serious? He's on a date right now?" Your voice came out louder than expected, and you cursed yourself for the slip.

Jimin frowned, concerned. "Are you okay, Y/N?"

You waved dismissively, trying to downplay the hurt and disappointment. "Yeah, all good... well, more food and games for us until he gets here."

You tried to push down the gnawing feeling of jealousy that threatened to surface at the thought of Jungkook on a date with someone else. The idea of him with another person stirred up emotions you had been trying so hard to accept the past days. You forced a smile as you joined in the banter and laughter, attempting to bury your own conflicting emotions.

Despite their casual remarks, you couldn't shake the unease settling in your stomach. You hoped Jungkook would arrive soon, eager for his presence to dispel the nervous tension building within you.

The minutes ticked by, filled with laughter and infinite jokes over Cards Against Humanity. Each time the doorbell rang, you found yourself tensing, hoping it was him. But each time, it turned out to be someone else—a delivery person, one of your neighbors...

As the evening progressed, you couldn't help but steal glances at your phone, checking for any messages from Jungkook. But you decided not to keep waiting and decided to send him a text first.

'whats taking you so longggggggg' it read.

He replied instantly. 'i'm outside, coming now'

You put down your phone, your heart pounding. A few seconds later, you heard familiar footsteps approaching and there was a knock on the door. You got up, heading towards the door.

"He's here!" Tae exclaimed, a grin spreading across his face as he jumped up to answer the door with you.

You held your breath as Jungkook stepped inside, a sheepish smile on his lips as he greeted everyone. His eyes met yours briefly, and for a moment, the world seemed to slow down.

"Sorry I'm late guys," Jungkook said, setting down a bag of drinks next to Tae's.

Jimin smirked teasingly. "Lost track of time, huh?"

Jungkook chuckled nervously, rubbing the back of his neck. "Haha nah,"

Absolutely not. It was a disaster. Why did I agree to this? She seemed nice enough online, he thought, but in person... It just wasn’t there. The conversation felt forced, and I couldn’t wait for it to end. He grimaced, recalling how he struggled to find common ground and forced a laugh at her jokes. I should've been with y/n tonight, helping her get everything ready for this.

Of course, all of that stayed in his head. He was embarrassed to tell everyone how much he hated meeting someone new. It would just give your friends the opening to tease him more about it.

"Well, you made it, and we're all here now. So let's start" you suggested, breaking the silence.

His eyes sought out yours, finding a mix of emotions reflected back at him—surprise, curiosity, and something he couldn't quite place.

Everyone nodded in agreement and moved to gather around the coffee table, pulling your cushions closer.

With Jungkook's presence, the gathering felt complete, as if a missing piece had been found.

And as you all laughed and played into the night, you couldn't ignore the way Jungkook's gaze lingered on you, a silent reassurance of the feelings you'd been trying to suppress.

"I'm going to take a photo of this." Tae announced, lifting up his beer.

You and the others followed suit, holding your drinks up and smiling. Jungkook on your right got closer to you for the picture, cheek to cheek, his scent surrounding you. You wanted to lean in and practically inhale him.

"Perfect." Tae snapped the shot, and then showed it to the group. "What do you think, everyone?"

Everyone agreed that it was a good photo.

"We all look great," Tae said.

"But not as good as those two," Hoseok joked.

You rolled your eyes. "Please."

"It's true," Hoseok insisted. "You guys look good together."

Jimin nodded, taking another sip of his drink. "They're right. You’d make a cute couple."

Jungkook felt shy at their words. It's not like he was trying to hide his feelings for you, but he hadn't exactly made his intentions known, either. It was frustrating, wanting to be closer to you but not knowing how.

At least it was encouraging to know that your closest friends were seeing you both that way. That meant he had hope, right?

"Okay, that's enough," you said, feeling your cheeks heat up. "Let's keep playing."

As the game resumed, the group's attention shifted back to the cards.

You cleared your throat, shifting awkwardly on the cushion. "So... how was your date?"

Jungkook winced, not meeting your eyes. "It was okay," he said, his tone lacking enthusiasm.

You bit your lip, curiosity gnawing at you. "Just okay? What happened?"

Jungkook shook his head, still not meeting your gaze. "I don't know. It just didn't feel right, I guess."

You tilted your head, searching his face. "What do you mean?"

Jungkook shrugged, a sheepish expression on his face. "It was just... awkward. We didn't really click. I don't know."

Your chest tightened, a mix of emotions swirling inside. "Oh," you managed, turning back to the game. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I'm not good at this kind of thing, you know? Meeting new people, going on dates. It's hard for me. I'd rather be with people I already know and trust."

You knew what he meant. The same went for you. It was hard enough trying to navigate your feelings without having to worry about other people, too.

You nodded, giving him a small smile. "I get it."

"I just wish it could be easier, you know? Like, finding someone you actually like who happens to also like you back, and not having to worry about anything else. Just enjoying each other's company."

Your breath caught, your mind reeling from his words. And from the way he was looking at you, you could tell he wasn't just talking about friendship.

"Why would you say something like that?" you questioned, the words tumbling out before you could stop them.

Jungkook's brow furrowed in confusion. "What do you mean? Say something like what?"

"That you wish you could be with someone who actually likes you and not have to worry about anything else."

"I... because it's true. I don't want to go on stupid dates anymore, I want to be with someone I care about. Someone I can laugh and have fun with."

You swallowed, your pulse quickening.

"Someone like who?"

Jungkook exhaled, a nervous smile tugging at the corners of his lips. "I think you know who," he said quietly.

You stared at him, speechless, as his words sunk in. Your heart was racing, your body buzzing with adrenaline.

Hoseok, who had been unusually quiet, suddenly made himself heard, "I think I'm stuck in your bathroom!"

You and Jungkook turned to find your friend, who sounded flustered and slightly panicked. Jimin and Tae burst into laughter, trying to contain themselves as Hoseok continued to tug at the bathroom door.

"What do you mean you're stuck?" Jimin managed to ask between giggles.

Hoseok yelled helplessly. "I went in to use the bathroom, and now the door won't open!"

Jungkook glanced at you with a bemused smile, the tension from earlier dissipating with the absurdity of the situation. "Seriously, Hobi?" he chuckled.

Hoseok sounded exasperated. "It's not funny! How am I supposed to get out of here?"

"I'll go get some tools," Tae offered, still chuckling as he headed towards the kitchen.

You stepped closer to the bathroom door, trying to assess the situation. "It's just stuck. Let me try," you suggested, reaching for the handle and giving it a firm tug.

To everyone's surprise, the door swung open easily, revealing Hoseok looking both relieved and slightly embarrassed. "Oh, thanks, I swear it was stuck…"

Jimin clapped Hoseok on the back, still laughing. "Sure it was, Hobi. Sure."

The rest of the evening passed by in a blur of laughter and games, and despite the lingering awkwardness from earlier, you were glad that the night had gone well.

It was close to 2:00 a.m. when your friends finally began to call it a night, and you were exhausted.

"Thanks again for coming, everyone. I had a lot of funnnn," you said, giving them each a hug goodbye.

Jungkook was still on your kitchen helping you clean up all the mess you made. Drying the dishes and placing the glasses on your cabinets. You were cleaning up the table when he walked up to you.

"Need any help?"

"I'm done, thank you."

"Are you sure?"

"I am, thanks Kookie,"

You started walking towards your room when you heard him speak up.

"I really liked being here tonight."

"I know it was a lot of fun," you replied with a small smile. You grabbed his hoodie and his iPod to return them. Staring at the endearing device. Almost as if it were something fragile.

"I'm glad you had a good time," you responded as you walked back to the kitchen, handing him back his belongings. As you stood there in the dimly lit room, a comfortable silence settled between you. Jungkook's gaze was intense as he looked at you, his eyes searching yours for something unspoken.

Jungkook paused his moves, as if weighing his next words carefully. "I was thinking... maybe we could hang out again this week, just the two of us."

"What about the girl from Tinder?" you asked as you returned to face him, your tone sharper than you intended.

Jungkook frowned, confusion clouding his features. "What are you talking about? You know I went on one date. I told you it was a disaster."

You sighed, suddenly feeling foolish. "Yeah, I know, don't know why I asked that, haha" you muttered. "Didn't know you still used this thing,"

He smiled, his fingers brushing over the iPod. "I still love my music in here, you know, it sounds a lot better"

"Yeah, that's what I thought,"

He looked at you intently, and the air between you seemed to grow heavy.

"I've missed spending time with you, Y/N."

Your breath caught in your throat, your pulse quickening as you stared at him. "Me too," you whispered.

"So, is that a yes?"

"A yes to what?"

"The offer to hang out,"

"Oh, right. Um, yeah, sure. Sounds nice."

Jungkook's face lit up. "Cool. Well, I guess I'll see you later, then." With a final smile, he turned and left.

You watched him go and your mind was spinning. Jungkook's words echoed in your head, his words sending a flutter through your chest. You couldn't help but grin. Maybe there was hope for you two after all.

The following day, you woke up to the sun streaming in through your curtains, illuminating the room in a soft glow. You stretched lazily, savoring the warmth of your bed, before reluctantly climbing out and heading to the bathroom to wash up.

Unconciously, you began to shut yourself out. You had spent the whole night awake, thoughts about the possibility of being with your best friend swirling around your head, preventing you from falling asleep.

As you brushed your teeth, you heard your phone buzz. It was a text from him.

'Good morning'

A smile tugged at your lips, butterflies erupting in your stomach.

'good morning'

'can we go out today? im craving pizza'

You bit your lip, considering the invitation. A part of you was eager to see him, but another part was worried that it might be awkward, especially after the scenarios you created in your head last night.

You ended up refusing to go out with him. And he started to get anxious. He thought he may have done something wrong. That you were actually angry for going on a date or that you no longer wanted him to be part of your life just because he went out with someone else.

Jungkook started panicking.

And so, he called the guys.

"I don't know, she's just not acting normal." he sighed.

"Did something happen the other night?" Hoseok asked, concerned.

"No, I don't think so. She didn't say anything to me,"

"So why is she mad at you?"

"I have no idea. I was hoping maybe you had an idea,"

"Did she say she was mad at you?"

"Not directly, but she didn't want to go out today,"

"Well, I'm not surprised. She's probably just tired,"

"Tired?"

"Yeah, from work and all that, she's probably exhausted. I'm sure it's nothing."

"Do you think so? You don't think she's mad at me?"

"I really don't think she is. She'll probably just want to rest for a few days, and then things will go back to normal."

Your attitude changed so suddenly. You kept on cancelling on him. It’s been weeks.

"You have to talk to her, man," Jimin said.

"What do I say? How do I bring it up? Do I just ask her why she's been avoiding me? What if she doesn't know what I'm talking about?"

"Then ask her. Don't overthink it. Just say it."

Jungkook sighed, frustrated. "You make it sound so easy,"

"Look, I'm not gonna lie to you. It's probably gonna be awkward as fuck, but you can't let it get in the way of your friendship. You've been friends for so long, and it's obviously important to both of you. If she really is mad at you, then you need to find out what's going on. But if she's not, then you need to clear the air and move on. Because otherwise, this is just gonna keep getting worse and worse for you."

"Yeah, you're right. I'm just... worried, I guess."

"I know, but don't be. Everything’s fine. It’ll work out, especially if you let her know that you like her."

"What? Are you crazy? I can't just tell her that."

"Why not?"

"Because... what if she doesn't feel the same way?"

"So what if she doesn't? You'll never know unless you tell her. And if she does feel the same way, then you can finally stop being all sad and pathetic."

"You think she likes me?"

"Well, only she can tell you that, but you'll never know if you don't talk to her. So suck it up and go for it."

"Fine. I'll talk to her."

"Good."

"But... how do I tell her?"

"Just be honest. Tell her you've been worried that something is wrong, and you want to make sure everything is okay. Then let her know how you feel. But, be prepared for her reaction. If she doesn't feel the same way, it could make things weird. But you need to deal with it and move on."

That same day you were laying down in bed, scrolling through your phone. Reading over and over the lyrics of one particular song on the playlist.

"Is there a place for me? Is there a place for us? I can't tell you how much I love you, babe Open the door Open your heart Tell me how you're feeling, I miss you so bad I'm falling to pieces"

And just like that, your phone began vibrating, your heart beating rapidly as his name flashed across the screen.

"Hello?"

"Hey, are you free? Can we talk?"

"Uhm... sure, yeah. Now?"

"If it's okay, yes."

"Okay,"

"I'm coming up now."

"Wait, wha-..."

Jungkook was already at your door, knocking frantically. You opened it for him, your heart in your throat.

He stood before you, looking determined. His eyes were wide, his hair tousled, and he was out of breath, as if he had just run a marathon.

"Sorry, I was already on my way. I had to do it now. I have to say it, because otherwise, I won't have the courage to say it some other time,"

"Okay?"

He inhaled deeply, his eyes locked on yours.

"Y/N, I really, really like you. And I've been so confused and conflicted because I've always liked you, then I started thinking that maybe there was more. And then I realized there was. I really, really like you."

You swallowed hard, the words ringing in your ears.

"I-..."

"It's okay, I just wanted you to know,"

You shook your head, struggling to comprehend what he had just told you. "I'm sorry, I'm just..."

"I know, and I'm sorry. But I had to say it."

"So, does this mean... what are you saying exactly?"

Jungkook hesitated, running a hand through his hair. "Look, Y/N, I don't expect anything from you, and I don't want things to get weird. But I just had to tell you. I'm crazy about you."

You nodded slowly, processing his words. "uh. I-... uh."

"I know it's sudden, and I'm sorry. I just couldn't hold it in anymore. But I don't want anything to change, I promise. I'll just go, and we can forget this ever happened. We can go back to the way things were, I promise. I'm sorry,"

"Jungkook, stop apologizing. It's not a bad thing, I'm just... processing. I've never had anyone say they're crazy about me before," with your phone in your hand an idea immediately came to you.

"Can I show you something?" you asked him.

"What is it?"

You walked up to him, your phone in your hand. You handed him your device and let him see your screen. There it was, the infamous playlist.

Jungkook's doe eyes widened, a small gasp escaping his lips as he noticed. "What... is this...?"

"I went through your iPod when you left your hoodie last time," you told him with an embarrassed grin. "They’re the same songs you have on yours,"

"This is so embarrassing," he groaned, his cheeks red. "You... you went through my iPod?" Jungkook asked, now with a hint of amusement in his voice.

You nodded, feeling a mix of embarrassment and relief that he wasn't angry about it. "I was curious about the music you listen to. And I found… this,”

He stared at the playlist, then back at you, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. "So... does that mean you... already knew how I felt?" Jungkook asked, hope flickering in his eyes.

Your heart raced at his words, a mix of excitement and uncertainty swirling inside you. Could this really be happening? Could your long-standing friendship truly be blossoming into something more?

"Jungkook," you began, your voice barely above a whisper. "I... I like you too. More than just a friend."

"So what does this mean? That we are supposed to be together?"

"Maybe, or maybe not. It could just mean that you have great taste in music and I admire it,"

Jungkook's eyes widened with hope, a grin spreading across his face. "I've been wanting to tell you for so long, but I was afraid of ruining everything between us."

You smiled, your heart fluttering. "Me too, I’m sorry for making you worry these past few days,"

"Can I hug you?" he asked, his voice trembling slightly.

You nodded, wrapping your arms around his neck.

Jungkook held onto you tightly, his arms snug around your waist. You rested your chin on his shoulder, closing your eyes and inhaling his familiar scent.

After a few moments, he pulled away slightly, his hands still resting on your hips.

He looked at you with a mix of relief and uncertainty in his eyes. "So, I didn't ruin anything between us?" he murmured softly.

You shook your head, a small smile playing on your lips. "You didn't ruin anything, Jungkook. If anything, you've made everything clearer."

His shoulders relaxed slightly at your words, a hint of a smile returning to his face. "I'm glad."

"I'm glad too," you began again, your voice steady but tinged with nervousness. "But I also want you to know that... I've been thinking a lot too."

Jungkook turned to face you fully, his expression a mix of anticipation and apprehension. "About...?"

"About us," you admitted softly, meeting his gaze. "About how much I enjoy spending time with you, about how much I admire you, and... how I've felt something more than just friendship for a while now."

His eyes widened slightly, hope flickering in them. "A while?”

You nodded, a shy smile playing on your lips. "Yes, Jungkook. A while. I've just been afraid to say anything because I didn't want to lose you in case you didn't felt the same way about me."

He stepped closer to you, his hand reaching out tentatively. "Y/N... I wish I had known sooner. I've been struggling with these feelings, not knowing if you felt the same way."

"I'm sorry for not saying anything earlier," you murmured, your fingers brushing against his. "But I'm glad we're talking about it now."

He squeezed your hand gently, his eyes never leaving yours. "Me too. More than anything."

There was a moment of silence between you, the weight of your shared emotions hanging in the air. Finally, Jungkook spoke again, his voice filled with determination.

"So... what do we do now?"

You chuckled softly, feeling a surge of affection for him. "I think we take it one step at a time. We've already taken a big step today."

He nodded, a smile spreading across his face. "Yeah, you're right. I'm just... really happy right now."

"Me too," you said, squeezing his hand.

"I guess the only question now is... are we... together together?" he asked hesitantly.

You grinned, your heart pounding in your chest. "Only if you want us to be,"

"Yes, yes, yes. Of course, yes,"

"Then it's settled. We're together," you giggled.

Jungkook laughed, the sound sending a warm feeling through your chest.

Cut to 4 years in the future.

There you were at a dinner with friends and family. It had been four years since you got together, but it felt like an eternity. You both were so excited for each other, for your life from now on.

"Hey, you got a little something," he whispered, brushing away a strand of hair from your cheek.

You couldn't help but smile, his touch as tender as ever. "Thanks,"

"No problem," he smiled.

Then you could hear someone clinking a glass. "A few words from the fiancé!" Jin's voice reverberated through the dimly lit restaurant.

"Y-yeah, yeah," your boyfriend stuttered, clearing his throat and standing up. He was a nervous wreck, and it was adorable.

"Um, first, thank you all for being here. It really means a lot to us. We know how important it is to have your loved ones around you on a special day, and we're so grateful for everyone who's supported us. Second, a special thanks to my future father and mother-in-law. Thank you for always being there for us and for supporting our relationship. And, um, thanks to my own parents for, uh, also supporting us."

As the guests began to laugh, your boyfriend cleared his throat and continued, his gaze fixed on yours.

"But most importantly, I want to say thank you to my amazing girlfriend. Thank you for making every day better. Thank you for always being by my side and for loving me unconditionall—"

"We know that already! Entertain us or I won't pay the bill!" Jin's loud voice interrupted again.

You couldn't help but chuckle and the guests laughed again, amused.

Your fiancé smiled, clearly enjoying the teasing.

"Alright, alright," Jungkook cleared his throat before he continued, "actually, we agreed that we'd never tell anyone how we actually got together but I guess we're past that, right babe?"

"Oh no, don't!" You blushed, a little embarrassed.

"It's a funny story," he continued. "It's kind of a long one, but this girl right here thought that the best course of action was to make me a dating app profile before telling me that she was in love with me."

Everyone burst into laughter.

"I was dumb, okay?" you joked, earning more laughter from the guests.

"So, we ended up talking to some people on said dating app and went on a few dates, which were terrible—"

"Hey! It's not my fault that you agreed even though you were also in love with me!" — "Everyone, he had a playlist with my name filled with sentimental songs like the most lovesick boy on Earth!"

"But babe trust me, it's a great playlist, by the way," you added.

"And then we got drunk, and the truth was revealed."

"What?! No way," Hoseok laughed.

"We weren’t drunk, I’m kidding, I just told her that I had liked her since the beginning," he said. "We just made a disaster, and we were both scared shitless."

"But here we are," you added.

"So, yeah, thanks for coming everyone," your fiancé concluded, his voice breaking a little as he wrapped up his little speech.

You could see him trying to blink back tears as he sat back down next to you, and you gave his hand a squeeze.

"You did great," you whispered, leaning in to give him a quick kiss.

"Thanks," he replied, his voice hoarse.

Your parents got up, taking the floor after him.

"Thank you, thank you," your mom said, a bit embarrassed.

"We’d like to share a few words as well. First, we'd like to thank everyone for coming. It's such a privilege to have all our family and friends here, and we're so thankful for your support. And we're especially grateful for our beautiful daughter and our soon-to-be son-in-law. We are so proud of both of you, and we know you'll have a long and happy life together."

"Thanks," you managed to say, overcome with emotion.

"So, now, we'd like to present the couple with a little something. It's just a small token of our love for them," your mother added, signaling for someone to come forward.

Jimin, Hoseok, and Tae stood up from the table and approached the stage, each of them holding a framed collage.

"Here, you can pass these out," your mother said, handing each of the guests copies of the photos.

You and your fiancé were stunned as the three guys presented the photos to you.

The photos were a collage of different memories: you and him during his graduation, another one from yours, a candid shot of him cooking for you, a photo of the two of you smiling in front of the sunset, and a picture of him holding your hand while you were asleep.

Tears welled up in your eyes as you took in the beautiful photos, each one capturing a special moment in your relationship. The love and happiness radiating from the images made your heart feel full to the brim. You glanced at Jungkook, whose eyes were also glistening with unshed tears, and you reached for his hand, holding it tightly.

"Thank you so much," you managed to say, your voice choked with emotion. "These are... perfect."

"I have a gift for you too," you told him, reaching under the table. You brought out a box wrapped in bright pink paper and a bow.

He looked at you with surprise, his eyes shining with curiosity as he took the box from your hands. Slowly unwrapping it, his mouth fell open in astonishment when he saw what was inside. Nestled within the box was a beautifully crafted watch, the silver band gleaming under the soft light of the restaurant.

"Oh wow," he breathed, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. "It's... it's incredible."

"It's engraved," you whispered, pointing to the back of the watch where a message was etched. His eyes widened as he read the words: 'Forever yours, Y/N.'

"I was hoping you'd wear it to the wedding," you said, grinning. "But don't cry, you'll make me cry!" you exclaimed.

"I'm not crying, I just..." he trailed off, sniffling.

"I love it," Jungkook finally managed to say, his voice filled with emotion. He stood up abruptly and pulled you into a tight hug, “I love you.”

As you both separated, there was a collective 'aww' from the guests, making you both blush.

The rest of the evening continued with laughter and joy, surrounded by the love of friends and family. People danced, sang, and shared stories late into the night. It was a celebration of love and new beginnings.

As the night winded down and guests started to leave, you found yourselves standing alone in the dimly lit space. Jungkook wrapped his arm around your waist and pulled you close.

"Thank you for everything today," you said sincerely, looking into his big brown eyes.

"Thank you for being mine," he replied softly, feeling overwhelmed with happiness.

"I wouldn't want to be anyone else's," you whispered, pressing a gentle kiss to his lips.

Jungkook cupped your face in his hands and placed a lingering kiss on your forehead. The world around you seemed to fade, leaving just the two of you in a bubble of the deepest affection you’ve ever felt.

[fluffytriceratops]

𝐈'𝐥𝐥 𝐀𝐥𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐁𝐞 𝐇𝐞𝐫𝐞 - 𝐋𝐞𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐫𝐝𝐨 [𝟐𝟎𝟏𝟔]

Notes: the gif makes me think of the "i got it" moment between Mike and Leo. You'll understand when you read it. My writing is rusty and this is unedited because I'm lazy, so it might be shit. :D Possibly part one? I might write a part two- idk yet. I was in the mood for angst and this has been sitting in my drafts for literally ages so I figured I'd finish it up and post it since it's also been ages since I've posted a TMNT imagine! ALSO- REQUESTS ARE CURRENTLY OPEN! If you would like to submit a request, please do so via asks, and please read my rules on my blog before hand, thank you! &lt;33

Warnings: mature language, ANGST, mentions of addiction, mentions of alcohol, mental/emotional abuse, mentions of depression, brief mentions of self harm, etc.

Tags: @thelaundrybitch @rheawritesforfun @digitl-art-monstr @leosgirl82 @turtle-babe83 @mysticboombox @drowninghell @squirrelfurs @lec743 @post-apocalyptic-daydream @bibiz82 @raphslovemuffin80 @raphielover @tmntspidergirl

(If you would like to be tagged in my future TMNT realted posts (let me know if you want just reader insert stuff or if you want OC related content included) feel free to lemme know and I'll happily add you!)

Thank you for reading! Have a lovely day/night! Stay safe and make sure to take care of yourselves! I'm sending all the virtual hugs to you~! <3

***

Her gaze was locked onto the screen of her phone. She had opened her camera app to double check her appearance before going in, but what she saw caught her off guard. The large purple bags under her eyes, the paleness of her skin. All the weight she had lost was visible in her face alone, no matter how hard she had tried to hide it under baggy clothes. She didn't need anyone worrying about her. She could take care of herself... Y/n knew she hadn't been sleeping well. Not at all, actually. The only time she got the chance to get some rest was when she passed out from sheer exhaustion. Was it unhealthy? Oh absolutely. But she couldn't help herself. It didn't help that she worked two jobs. Ever since her father got fired, she was the one who had to keep everyone afloat. It was driving her mad.

Taking in a shaky breath, she shoved her phone back into her sweater's pocket and began to walk the rest of the way to the lair. It wasn't far. It didn't take long at all for her to get there. Once she stepped inside, she was greeted by the smell of pizza. Her stomach turned and she felt nauseous immediately. Y/n hadn't told anyone that she had gone on a diet. Not yet, anyway. Nor did she tell them she had stopped eating much at all. She was fine, they didn't need to know.

Y/n tucked a few strands of loose hair behind her ear, she took in another shaky breath before walking up to where they were. Their voices were loud and expressive. Raphael let out a bark of laughter, slapping Mikey on the shell in amusement. Leo was busy talking with April, and Casey was stuck chatting with Vern. It was Donatello who had noticed her first. "Hey, Y/n! We were starting to think you wouldn't make it!" He greeted with a cheerful smile.

She tried not to flinch under their sudden gazes. Pulling her lip between her teeth anxiously. God, she felt like vomiting. She needed to leave. "Yeah! You're late dude! What took you so long!?" Michelangelo whined, walking over and moving to sling an arm across her shoulders. She ducked under him before he got the chance.

"N-Nothing, really. Just took my time." Y/n shrugged, shuffling over towards the rest of them hurriedly. She had been dodging their embraces recently, and they were starting to notice. Mikey pursed his lips in a pout, missing the skeptic look on his brother's faces. They had all been brushing off her behavior, but this had been going on for what felt like forever. She was starting to look worse each time they saw her. There was one turtle who knew more than the other's. One who had suspected something was off a lot sooner than everyone else. Leonardo watched Y/n closely. Blue eyes practically glued to her.

"What kind of pizza would you like? We got meat lovers, cheese, veggie-" she cut Donnie off. "None, thanks. I'm uh, dieting." She shrugged, rocking on the balls of her feet nervously. Y/n could feel his eyes boring into her. Her heart rate increased rapidly. Pounding against her rib cage in a desperate plea to flea. Don looked at the other's briefly before turning his gaze back to the female. He nodded slowly, "Okay. Um, would you like something else?" Y/n's hands tightened in her pockets, curling into fists. She simply shook her head. "No thanks.. Not hungry.."

The room grew oddly silent for a few beats. Vern coughed obnoxiously into his elbow just to clear the silence. Leo had yet to look away from Y/n. It made her feel more nervous than anything else. Why was he starring at her? Couldn't he look somewhere else? Just when she was about to say or do something she'd definitely regret, Casey had spoken up. "So, uh, Y/n- I saw your dad today." Her head snapped towards him in a matter of seconds. It was a wonder how she didn't get whiplash. "You did? Where?"

She sounded nervous, and the other's picked up on it immediately. Raph and Donnie caught each other's gaze before the red clad turtle looked towards their leader. Leo was silent and observing. He stood still with his arms folded over his chest. Lips pressed into a flat line and brow ridge lightly furrowed. Raphael watched his brother closely, but his attention was moved else where as the conversation continued.

Casey, who was glad to get away from Vern, stepped forwards. Snatching himself up another slice of pizza. "Convenience store, on West Street. I was grabbing the drinks for today and bumped into him. His hand was all bandaged up, apparently he went to the ER today." He said before taking a merry bite out of the delightful pie. Y/n's gaze darkened.

Stop talking. Shut up. Don't say another word. Please. She all but begged, starring at him numbly. She knew this already. She was the one who dropped him off at the hospital. If it were possible, Y/n felt sicker than before. Her hands began to shake, she was just glad they were hidden in the pockets of her hoodie. She bit her tongue to stop from bolting. Everyone else was quiet, listening to Casey's story. Looking between the both of them as he spoke. She wanted to cry. "I know." She said, barley managing to get the words out.

Casey didn't seem to catch on. Or if he did, he continued to speak about it anyway. "So you know he put his hand through a window?" He was looking at her intensely, hell everyone was. Especially Leo. His gaze felt like fire, burning holes into her skull. She wanted to combust into flames. Right then and there.

"Yeah. Anything else." Y/n's tone grew bitter, and she couldn't help but glare at him. Hoping, praying, that he would just drop it and leave her alone. Casey ignored her. "Well, I know it's your mom's birthday. And I know it's been hard for the both of you. So y'know, we just wanted to check in." He gestured towards all of them, and she barley managed to peek towards them. Had they been talking about her?

"Casey-" April warned, shaking her head subtly at him. Either he didn't see it, or he ignored her as well. "And he was very charming. But he seemed kind of sad. I'd hate to see it happen again, so maybe you should keep a better eye on him." Was he serious? He couldn't be fucking serious, right? Y/n felt like she had swallowed cotton balls. Her nails punctured her skin and she igno red the light stinging. She was staring at a random crumb on the table. Gazing at it as if it were the most interesting thing in the world. Completely and utterly silent.

Leo's arms unfolded and he took a step towards her, but she quickly turned her gaze back to Casey. "Everyday is my mother's birthday.." She started, gaze icy, voice venomous. Leo stopped in his tracks, everyone was looking at her, but she focused on Casey solely. "My mother was born in December. He lied. He's a liar." Tears glazed at the corners of her eyes but she's refused to let them fall. Voice rising in anger.

"And I'm glad- really, I'm glad that you found him charming. I'm sure he was delightful. He's a blast after five drinks. Not so much after nine though, he get's a little weepy and mean." Mikey's eyes widened and he looked towards his older brother's worriedly. She hadn't uttered a word of this before, it was the first time anyone was hearing it. Leo's jaw clenched but she hadn't noticed it. Too busy focusing all her pent up anger on Casey. "He's a drunk. He probably came in and told you how wonderful you are. How he wished he could have a son like you. And how sad he is because he doesn't get to spend more time with me." She hadn't meant to cry, but the tears had started to slip down her pale cheeks. Y/n wiped at them angrily.

Casey stood there in shock, taking in her angry words carefully. He didn't dare say anything, all he did was look at her and take it. "Yesterday he said that I was his favorite daughter. The day before, I was an ungrateful bitch. The week before- he wrote me a check fortwenty thousand dollarsbecause he said I deserved everything life had to offer. Because he was so proud of me. A lifetimes worth of proud..." her voice cracked and her bottom lip trembled. Y/n looked down, forcing her hair to partially hide her face. She tried to collect herself as she wiped at her tears with her sleeve. "You can't listen to a word that man says. Everything that comes out of his mouth is about as many bottles as he can stomach before he either vomits it up or passes out."

"But thank you for telling me to keep a better eye on him." Y/n shook her head and turned on her heal. Storming out of the room and out of the lair altogether. She was tired of all this bullshit.

"Y/n! Wait!" Mikey moved to go after her but Leo clamped a hand down onto his shoulder. "I got it..." He muttered, casting an annoyed glance at Casey from over his shoulder before he chased after the h/c female.

"Well that was a train wreck." Vern muttered, wincing at the glare Casey shot in his direction. "How was I supposed to know." He hissed. "It's not like Y/n's a very open person."

"We all knew something was up, I'm sure Casey just wanted to make sure she was okay." April said, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. Case smiled at her briefly in thanks.

"I wish she would have said something..." Donnie whispered, twiddling his 'thumbs' nervously. "Maybe we could have helped her somehow."

"Y/n's stubborn. She doesn't wanna rely on anyone else. She doesn't wanna be a burden." Raph grumbled, shrugging his shoulders. "Still. I wish she would lean on us a little more. I'd like ta give her father a piece of my mind." He huffed.

Michelangelo's lips pulled into a frown. "You.. You don't think he hits her, do you?" The room fell silent, and everyone turned their gazes towards the area she had left.

"Leo'll make sure she's okay." Don spoke quietly, hands clenching each other desperately.

━

She knew he was following her. But he didn't approach. Not in the sewers, and not outside of them, either. He was waiting for the right time. Giving her a chance to cool off. If anything, the fact that Leo had come after her only pissed Y/n off more. She didn't want to get a lecture from him. She didn't want to rant. She wanted to lay in bed and cry. And she wanted to do it alone.

Y/n managed to hold herself together pretty well. She only let a few tears and sniffles slip out on her way back home. She lived in a sketchy part of the city in a small and dinky apartment. It was her, her two sisters Lucy and Amelia, and their father. Her mother had died a few years back. Her father was never the same after that. He ended up losing the job he had since before he met his wife. He couldn't keep a job afterwards, either. And he started drinking. He drowned his sorrows in alcohol. Any little bit of money he made went straight into alcohol. Lucy was the youngest, she had yet to start high school. Amelia was the oldest. She spent most of her time at her home with her fiance and their newborn son. She couldn't stand to even look at their father. She refused to see him. They always fought, too. Amelia wanted to take Y/n and Lucy with her, but Lucy was in custody of their father. And Y/n refused to leave him to rot.

Y/n's keys jingled as she pulled them from her pocket and jammed them into the deadbolt on the door of her apartment. She knew Leo would already be inside when she entered. And if not, then he was waiting on her fire escape.

The door slammed shut behind her, she kicked her shoes off by the door and walked further inside. There was no sight of her father, so he must be out. Most likely at the bar down the street. It was within walking distance and it was the weekend. There was no way he wouldn't be there. Lucy was sleeping over at Amelia's for the weekend, which meant she was home alone.

The thought would have been extremely comforting had Leonardo not been lurking around the corner.

She passed through the kitchen and walked down the hallway that lead to the bedrooms. Amelia's old room was first, it was completely empty now. Y/n shared a room with Lucy. She was supposed to move into Amelia's room after Amelia moved out, but Lucy didn't feel safe alone. And it wasn't just her father making her feel that way. Y/n was comforting to her. Knowing she was sleeping in the same room kept her calm. Their father's room was the last one. The door was always closed. No one was ever allowed in. He slept on the couch more than his own bed.

The second Y/n pushed her bedroom door open she saw Leonardo standing at the foot of her bed. Patiently waiting for her.

Y/n's gaze hardened, but she said nothing. She kicked the door shut behind her and walked past him to her desk. She needed to do something. Anything. She just needed to keep busy. So she started to organize her college assingments.

Leo remained quiet, simply watching her. After a few minutes of Y/n shuffling papers and slamming drawers he opened his mouth. "Y/n."

"Don't." She snapped, tensing at the sound of his voice.

"You don't even know what I'm going to say..." He breathed, blue; blue eyes glued to her. Scared that if he looked away she would crack and break into a million pieces.

"I don't want you to say anything." She mumbled, voice strained. Her movements had seized. She simply stood there, back facing him. Honestly she was afraid that if she turned and caught sight of his ocean colored eyes, she'd burst.

The room grew quiet again. Y/n knew he was looking at her. She could feel his intense gaze plastered to her back. Studying every small movement she made. The light tremble of her hands. The slight shaking of her shoulders. The wobbling of her knees. Y/n tried to hold herself together. Keep the tears at bay. It was a fools wish.

She could feel his presence. Feel him walking closer. Till he was just a few meesly inches away from her. Leo was so close she knew if she took the tiniest of steps backward his chest would connect with her back. His hand grazed her arm and she broke the silence with a sharp inhale.

And she crumbled.

Tears blurred her vision as she gasped out a shuddering sob. A sob that shook her entire body. One that stole the breath from her lungs and broke her heart into millions of microscopic pieces. She collapsed against him and he held her tightly against his plastron. Strong arms hooking around her waist and pulling her flush against him.

Leonardo said nothing as she cried. It wasn't the first time she cried in his arms. And it most certainly wouldn't be the last.

Nothing was said or done. Neither of them moved. He just held her tight as she let out everything she had been holding in. By the time her cries had quieted, and tears dried on her skin. The sun had started to set. Basking the room in its warm fading glow through the window. Painting the two of them in a lovely array of yellows, oranges, and pinks.

Leo slowly turned Y/n around. Even when she was crying, she was utterly beautiful. Achingly so. He placed his hand under her chin and slowly tilted her red face upwards. Her e/c dewy eyes met his own. There was no longer a wall between them. He had managed to break it down in a matter of seconds. And now, all her pain was visible to him in her eyes.

There was a reason they say eyes are the windows to the soul.

Leo had built his own wall. One he kept up at all times. Around everyone. Everyone except her.

No words needed to be expressed between either of them. They already knew exactly how the other was feeling. With one simple glance. That's all it took. All it ever took.

Leonardo leaned down instinctevly, slowly and cautiously. Waiting and watching to see if she would pull away. Y/n never did. Instead, she slowly and hesitantly moved closer. That's when their lips connected.

A soft and deseperate kiss was shared. He held her face delicately, as if she would crumble into dust in his arms. Y/n clutched at him desperately, afraid he'd see how truly broken and damaged she was and pull away. Leo wasn't going anywhere. Something he told her with his lips as he peppered her skin with kisses. And when he reached her mouth again, he kissed her hard. He poured his soul into her. She drank him up.

As they parted for air. Y/n gasping for a whole other reason. He grabbed her hand and pressed a few more tender kisses to her knuckles. Eyes locked. Chests heaving. Hearts pounding.

Their souls danced the same.

"You don't have to hide around me. There's no need to barricade your feelings anymore." Leo whispered, brushing his thumb against the back of her hand. "You can show me the darkest and scariest parts of yourself. I'm not going anywhere."

A few more tears slid down her tender red cheeks. They caught the light of the sun and shone like tiny falling stars. He brushed them away with his lips.

"Even if I'm destined to crumble into nothing?" Y/n breathed, placing her hand on his chest. Fingertips tracing the markings engraved into his plastron from years of battle and training.

"Even if you're destined to crumble into nothing." Leo whispered, pressing a loving kiss to each rosey cheek. "I'll always be here. Right here. In your arms, where I belong."

[ciminarin]

wfh job means wfa (working from anywhere), the best for a girlblogger thought daughter like me.

as someone who works remotely, i love how i can be literally everywhere as long as i have my devices and can deliver my work on time. i have went on holidays multiple times while still working and it's the best thing ever lol. the work-life balance is definitely balancing. this post will be about my experience, pros and cons!

now playing... ▶︎ ၊၊||၊|။||||| 2:58 | NEMONEMO by YENA

ᯓ★ let's talk about the pros!!

i can take breaks at any time i want, have my breakfast or lunch at any time without anyone micromanaging me. the next best thing is i can just be myself without worrying how other people perceive me at work. no worrying if i looked bad or if the way i sit, stand or walk is not 'ladylike' i can do wtv tf i want.

i can take naps. like LONG naps. it's heavenly.

i don't have to get ready to work. i literally wake up and go on my laptop. i can do anything before i start too, like playing with my cats, exercise, and never be late for work. how can i be late? i only need to log in on gathertown (a site/app where you can be in the office with your co-workers, in pixel game style) when my work hour start. lol

i'm literally at a cafe rn as i'm typing this. like i said, you can be anywhere as long as you have the money haha

can watch kdramas, movies or horror podcast during work. awesome.

more time to take care of yourself. i have been trying to get back to my self care era after my mental health deteriorated so bad because of my last job. when i say bad, i mean like REAL bad. my self esteem is just gone. i keep trying to find my old self again but i keep getting more and more anxious. by getting into wfh job, i can focus on this side of me more and hopefully be able to feel like myself again.

ᯓ★ now the cons.

it can get boring sometimes because you're stuck at home. i get too lazy to even get ready and go out even though i know i can be anywhere. the library suddenly feels so far away, resulting me to just stay home. this can go on for days.

yeah more time for self care.. but also more time to be lazy. because it's a desk job i don't be moving around anymore unless i want to. and unless i have the motivation.. i will just lay down on my bed.

backaches from sitting too long. leg too.. and my whole body basically.

unless i do intermittent fasting, i WILL eat uncontrollably. having access to unlimited free time and food can make me gain weight AAAHHHH

more money out since i keep buying fancy drinks and food now as i have too much free time... this is a self control problem i know. this is on me.

okay i definitely have more pros & cons but i can't just think of more as of rn. maybe next time i will write part 2 if there is anything i want to add!

ᯓ★ what about my previous job?

it was a shift food & beverage job and it was... an experience i guess (i never want to go back again) i would rather just be a customer damn. i never thought i would ever feel this much anxious feeling until i got into f&b. the first few months was kind of fun and okay-ish, but after that it was hell. at some point i couldn't breathe at work and literally had to go to the clinic to get checked during my work hour.

the way people interact during work was something.. in front of them they play along and laugh together, but behind they talk bad about each other. it got me thinking that they definitely had talked badly about me too, and this made me anxious. ngl, i've been a people pleaser for so long (now i recognize that it can be really bad doing this) so i want everyone to like me.

this also made me think that maybe, other people i know outside work also do this to me? i became anxious of every single interaction i do, offline or online. i keep thinking that maybe even my friends don't like me...

i have now realized that i do not have to be liked my everyone. maybe this people pleasing behaviour is based on my trauma, so i have a really hard time to unlearn this. like what do you mean someone don't like me when i have been nothing but nice to you? you don't even know me that well... i'm so sad

but it has to be stopped. i can't just be out there trying to seek validation from people who are not worth my time. it's hard, but everyday i have to remind myself that there are literally so many people who like and love me for who i am.

i got a fiancé and he's the best ever. i have great friends who like how weird i can get, how loud, how annoying i am. they love me because they want to. and i love them because i want to. and i need to remember that there will be people that dislike me just because they want to, and i don't have to do anything about it.

slowly learning the art of letting them be.

────୨ৎ────

end of log. this was cut short as i need to go now, but thank you for reading, see you next time!

[slythereen]

apologies if you’ve answered this before or if there’s not really a specific gathered resource, but you seem knowledgeable about such things!— i am interested in learning more about f1 racing, do you have any recommendation for where to find a beginners guide/‘f1 for dummies’/place to begin learning more?

hello!!! i am also rather new to the sport and had to consume massive amounts of content from all over the place and frankly am still learning a lot all the time, so i'm not exactly an expert. what i can share are resources i relied on in my own ✨ descent into madness ✨ though !

so, my incomplete and questionable guide to selling your soul to f1:

it's all about how you like to learn and consume media tbh. i tried to watch a race initially, was confused, regrouped and started exploring. personally i watched all of dts up to the current season and then watched the first few races that i had missed while obsessively trawling twitter to learn more and waiting for my first live race (aka australia this year — massive rip). but it's up to you how you dive in!!

drive to survive

don’t get me wrong, dts has its issues — they invent drama, have some misleading portrayals, like to splice together clips from different race weekends together. it’s definitely more of a creative project than a straight up documentary. 

that being said, it also explains a lot of the lore and history behind the sport, teams, and drivers in an entertaining fashion. it’s newcomer friendly so it explains the rules. yes, will buxton gets a lot of heat for stating the obvious, but some of those obvious explanations are helpful for the clueless. 

there are also a lot of very cool shots and some good exclusive interviews that they get. sure, you can probably find them clipped on youtube, but may as well just watch dts. the first season is a little slow if you’re like me and want to see charles immediately (worth noting not all teams had agreed to participate s1), but that’s just me. 

(plus: it’s entertaining. i live for drama. just take said drama with a grain of salt and assume it’s probably invented or blown out of proportion.) 

the tiktok girlies 

again: tiktok can be a bit hit or miss. you’ll see a lot of bad takes and pure cringe if you linger too long on f1 tiktok. but i started watching content from a few f1 girlies who seems reliable and had friendly introductory content. they’re generally very nice and happy to answer questions. 

after a while i stopped watching them just because i no longer needed the intro information or explanations, but they did help fill in gaps and point out some of the inaccuracies of dts. 

some who helped me learn more:

@/lissiemackintosh (okay she's an f1 presenter but she's cool as shit i love her queen of the paddock etc etc)

@casxf1 (intro content is sort of her Thing)

@formula_dev (she was my go-to girlie for learning)

@f1toni

f1tv content 

i am pretty sure f1tv isn’t available in all countries, but i have always watched races through f1tv. there are a lot of ways to watch races live illicitly if that’s what you prefer, and other countries have sky or other channels they can watch on (USA also has espn), but i prefer f1tv because i’m too lazy to find streams and don’t want to worry about stream issues mid race. 

plus: f1tv comes with a whole archive of past seasons and a host of other media content during race weekends (ie, the fia press conferences on thursday, post-quali and post-race). they have a tech talk series that explains some of the technical aspects, do weekend warm-ups each race weekend that gives an update/context, and have been adding more intro content on the platform. there’s an app, which is convenient. 

the f1tv stream also allows you to use the channel switcher to choose between your commentary options (f1tv or sky’s commentators), or to see the live timing data, or to see any of the driver onboards. it’s quick and you can switch back and forth easily. (if your computer can handle it — my mac often can’t — you can use multiviewer with your f1tv subscription to set up a bunch of different screens and panels to watch, for example, the main stream and a driver’s onboard. or multiple onboards. or whatever you want basically. personally i usually put the race on my ipad and the onboard on my phone, because that streams perfectly and multiviewer likes to kill my laptop.) 

the downfall of f1tv is that they don’t have a smart tv app yet. idk why. it’s very irritating. it also might be a bit expensive to some, but i think it’s worth it. 

f1 twitter (hell)

it’s a minefield out there. truly. BUT my next big question, after starting to get into watching races live and watching some old seasons and learning how it works, is how people seemed to always be in the know about paddock gossip. i wanted to know about it as it was happening and see the ~drama~ unfold live and feel like i was part of the season actually occurring. 

so: twitter. follow your teams, follow your drivers, the for you tab is actually your friend here because it’ll bring new journalists and f1 commentators into your orbit as you learn who is who. some of the big driver fan pages operate as sources of information and updates with relative stealth if not immediate updating. 

at this point i follow enough people (and have infected my algorithm enough) that i tend to see gossip and updates across most of the teams. big news tends to get shared by everyone anyway. 

if you prefer tumblr, you can still get A Lot of updates on drama and gossip pretty quickly. there is a bit of a delay between information hitting twitter and information hitting tumblr (partially because none of the official teams or drivers have accounts on tumblr; partially because of the amount of people on f1twt versus f1blr). BUT, a lot of us tumblr girlies liveblog during the races and sessions and bring any crucial content over from twitter to share here, so the info will probably be here eventually/soonish. (following the race tags each weekend will prob give you a lot of the quick updates live.) 

some great charles specific update accounts

@leclercsletters

@leclercdata

@/charlsleclerc

@cleclercfansuk

others i follow for the 🍵 (not necessarily CL fans/i follow some ppl i disagree with for the intel) 

@fiadocsbot (😭) / @f1 / other official accounts press etc. 

@_allthatglitz

@maranellosaint

@scuderiafemboy (actually also has tumblr)

@fm1_3316

@/lecstappens

@candeleclerc16

@/elpredestinato

@formuleo_

@pikaclerc

@leclerqz

@fottitiferrari

@/f1tami

@/htrs4piastri

@estestroll

@fanaticsferrari

there are certainly more i see on my timeline all the time !!! this is just skimming through my following on the train 😭

tbh if i started trying to list tumblrs with hot takes that i follow we might be here all day. note to self: make my following list public lmfao

introductory posts & masterlists & others

full disclosure: these are resources i went hunting for out of curiosity and never actually used myself, but they looked fun and funky so yaknow. if there are iconic masterlists that i am missing, rip, someone please feel free to add or correct me. some of these are definitely seasons of old (aka like last year) but you get the point.

f1chronicle has this guide!

f1 put out their own beginner's guide to f1 video but it's like......5 minutes (and here is their longer intro video for 2023)

this much longer intro to the rules video by school of sports looks promising

apparent f1 also has a whole category of articles in their beginner's guide series

@babssionate's ppt guide to f1 and drivers intro

@shuntedmate's (sister's) ppt beginner's guide to f1

pitwall's beginner guide to f1 ppt

@race-week's guide to getting into the technical side of f1 (and whole blog appears to be some cool info on drivers and histories etc)

here is @lestappenforever's glorious guide to charles' driving style that i re-found while trying to figure out if i have a reference list tag (i dont)

[astrologycharts242]

Twitter lied about tumblr being good when it comes to astrology !!!

Maybe it's because I'm on a high level so the average user won't see things from my lenses. I honestly see a lot of things that I don't even feel comfortable talking about because I don't want to be rude. Things like stealing other people's posts without giving the other person credit or at least show who they got the post from.

Secondly there is a cult like following here on tumblr. Even the daily bloggers (when I say bloggers I mean posters), are in a cult like following. No it isn't a Charles Manson kinda cult. It's people forming a coalition to segregate others who are really good at astrology from getting recognition. It's similar to like what katt Williams was talking about with Kevin Hart and stuff.

For example this cult like following only likes for people to be caught or stuck in a drift when it comes to astrology. They don't like for others to know the truth about astrology. Instead they rather appease people to their level of knowledge when it comes to astrology. This means if someone else comes along they'll try to push that individual away.

One of the ways they do this is by stealing content or ideas so they get the views and not the original creator 😀. Every app does this regarding astrology but it's like organized crime here on Tumblr.

You see this a lot in those observation posts. Man they don't be observing nothing. They just say something crazy or delusional for engagement. A random example is Mars in Aries makes someone lazy. It sounds crazy right? Now if you question that they aren't open for a dialogue or a true blog of discussion, WHICH TUMBLR IS ACTUALLY INTENDED FOR

Another way they do it is by taking what somebody else has said. Then make their own Tumblr post regarding it. Yet you wouldn't find the original content creator because the ones with big followings on here actually do it so they push away the new astrology bloggers.

By doing this it deceives people into thinking only they are good at astrology or their interpretation is correct. Now the people who only observe content would only support and give them money no joke. I see this like crazy I even try to support and be kind. Then when I see what happens to me I get angry and you can see I lash out or vent on social media. When in actuality I'm a really nice guy I even giveaway free astrology information. I did it for years on Reddit nowadays I do so on twitter.

It's like a gang or something idk hopefully others can catch on to this. I used to wonder why people would put copyright in their posts or say things like do not steal. I could go on forever but I don't want to expose anybody. It's just weird seeing how I say something then a few days later someone has the exact same thing that I said. Yet their explanation has no context or makes any sense.

Once I came on Tumblr now bloggers could suddenly use sidereal and tropical simultaneously 😂😂. Man I can't make this crap up

[onlyjaeyun]

i know no one asked for this but i really don’t get why people have been saying you did CH dirty or that you‘re lazy.

i really don‘t think people understand that you are as a women with a job/occupation spending your free time writing for FREE on an app for everyone to read. like you don‘t even have to do this but still here you are with many works that i personally and a lot of other people really enjoyed.

i don‘t think they get that them thinking you did bad is relevant. like everyone has different tastes and that‘s ok if you didn‘t like it which you don‘t have to then don‘t.

but telling someone who obviously struggles with people telling them that their work, they put a lot of effort in, is bad (which i completely understand since it seem ppl don‘t know how to give proper constructive criticism) will just make everything worse.

if you have proper criticism you could nicely tell that person and that‘s it. actually considering that you post here on tumblr again for FREE and are not selling any books or wtv people have no right to criticise you at all.

i really need everyone to understand that you‘re doing this in your free time as a hobby(?) and that you have more important things in your life to do than trying to satisfy random people on the internet.

and for you babe please really don‘t get demotivated by comments like this. i can see from everything you‘ve put out that you enjoy writing and you‘re very good at it. but sometimes in situations like these it‘s better to take a break from things. i don‘t know you personally so obviously i cant and wont tell you to just stop writing but dont EVER feel bad for taking breaks or needing a few more days to post a new chapter. getting negative comments on something you genuinely enjoy doing can be the worst for someone and their mental health.

i love you baby take care <3

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!🤍 you basically wrote my thoughts down i cant lie, i could have not worded it better and agree 100%. i think a lot of readers nowadays (cough cough, younger ones) are so used to things being produced fast and in mass that they get super frustrated when you don't do something their way or to their liking and i'm like..you dont pay me a dime..you don't appreciate me at all..you see me as my content and not a regular human being with a life..go fuck yourself 😭😭

im so so so glad most of you guys arent as entitled and arrogant and demanding and rude, it's definitely so much easier when surrounef by all this love and support than this negative energy and i hope you know i appreciate you so much. thank you for your words baby i gope you have a great day 🥺🤍

[charredcheddar]

It's autism awareness month so I guess everyone needs to be aware of me.

This does devolve into a vent so fair warning here

I was diagnosed in my last year of secondary school during post-lockdown when I was 15/16 (though for some reason my report says I was 17 despite that objectively not being true; that's an offical medical document, it's mildly concerning). The only reason I did was because lockdown had messed me up so much I point-blank refused to attend school. In the end I had to join a video call with my head of house and ESLA worker who told my parents that they could not help me and to get professional help. I thought they meant therapy for depression. My parents decided they meant to get the autism diagnosis I had been asking for.

I'd been self diagnosed for at least a year by that point so I really didn't know what it was going to do for me. The only real benefit was mildly getting rid of my imposter syndrome. Since I diagnosed myeslf based on information I got on tiktok, I was worried I was just following a trend or that the app itself had caused all my issues (like ruining my attention span). Nowadays I don't know what is my autism, what is depression and what is just me being lazy and unmotivated.

Either way, I am now formally diagnosed and have been for 2 and a half years. Not that it helped. I did manage to go back to school and get my GCSEs. Honestly they were very good but deep down I knew I was capable of better. I got into the local sixth form studying four subjects. At the end of first year, I signed up to take an EPQ. To noone's surprise, this was too much for me and I did no work over the summer. As well as this, I was 9 months behind on maths/further maths homework, barely completing my film coursework and had pretty much checked out of computing. During a breakdown 2 days before the start of the year, my mum sat me down and asked if I really wanted to go back. I said no and she called my form tutor to arrange me dropping out. Since I was going to turn 18 in a few weeks, she said I didn't need to go back at all.

So now 7 months later I'm not really doing anything. I've had the same part time job since late 2022 and did a 3 month full time job a few months ago. However, that was so draining I didn't accept the extended contract they offered. To be completely honest, I'm worried I will never be able to hold down a full time job. I'm also mourning the fact I will never be able to go to university. I cannot do independent study and self motivation. It's hard considering my whole life I felt like I was meant to go to uni and study a stem subject because I was book smart. Looking back, I don't think I ever actually learned anything I just was really good at memorising information for exams.

I'm trying to spend more time on my hobbies and interests but it's hard to motivate myself to get up. Most of my time is spent on social media watching content to make myself feel better. Every so often I do get around to doing something that I actually want to do. I crocheted myself one of those cat ear hats (it was too big so I might have to do it again but oh well) and I started editing a livestream I did last month. Plus my music club is starting agin soon and I've missed practising. I wish I could do more. There's still so much I want to learn and do.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I wasn't autistic. The one thought that really messed with me was the fact that if I wasn't autistic I wouldn't be as good at school as I was since my 'intellegence' was just pattern recognition. Ultimately there would be nothing special about me. However, would I have longer lasting friendships? Would I lose my crippling fear of authority and rules so I could have more fun? After all, I'm 18 and feel like it's too late to enjoy my life.

I suppose there's some parts of my autism that I consider core parts of myself. My ability to become obsessed with something like a piece of media that brings me joy. My pattern recognition, as mentioned. Without those I don't really know who I am. Autism is such a core part of my personality and self and without it I really don't think I would be the same person.

Anyway that was a lot but I need to get back to telling you about the Five Nights at Freddy's lore/ref

[babylizzz]

Posting bits of my recent reality to my personal blog because I need to process and vent, and I'm too broke to afford a therapist. Read or dismiss as you wish. Share advice if you please, but not judgement. Namaste 🙏🏻

November 24, 2023

I left my husband a little more than a month ago. So far, most people have respected my privacy and not asked what happened. But as the holidays approach, it’s becoming harder to avoid disclosing our separation, and I know people will ask why I left Adam. The answer can be simple – I was unhappy. I was sick of feeling so awful in my situation, and I realized I deserve to be happy. But simply saying I was unhappy sounds like I just wasn’t putting in the effort to connect with my husband. It sounds like I gave up and didn’t care to try. We have children, for goodness’ sake! Couldn’t I have stuck it out and tried to make things work for them? Oh, but I did. I fought for years, telling my husband verbatim what I needed to feel loved, begging for him to be an active and supportive partner. Sometimes it got better for a few days. We wouldn’t fight. He’d be helpful and loving. There would be physical intimacy. But I was always quickly reminded that the peace was too good to be true.

What exactly did my husband do that was so horrible? Was he just lazy and unhelpful? Well, I could tell you the worst things he ever did to me. Like how I once noticed he was jumpy while on his phone and always angling his screen away or closing all his apps when I entered the room. It wasn’t difficult for me to find out that he was entertaining another woman on Snapchat. I confronted him in the middle of the night. He swears it was never flirty or sexual. He only talked to her about life. He enjoyed that someone cared to ask about his day and showed an interest in conversation with him. As if I didn’t try to engage him between doing all of the childrearing and housekeeping by myself… I’ll never know if he was telling the truth about that, though. After all, people use Snapchat when they don’t want there to be evidence, right?

There was also the time he lied about cancer to get out of an argument. I don’t even know what we were arguing about – probably housework. But he apologized and told me he’d just had a lot on his mind. When I pressed, wanting to know more so I could be there for him, he told me his doctor thought he might have testicular cancer, which I knew runs in his family. He said he was supposed to go in for scans to confirm, but that he didn’t want to talk about it because he was too upset. I respected that boundary and didn’t bring it up for a while, just trying to love him and be there for him in other ways as best I could. Probably 2-3 months later, it was eating at me that Adam hadn’t confided in me regarding the results, so I asked about it. He didn’t know what I was talking about. I reminded him of our previous conversation, and so casually, as if it were nothing, he said, “Oh yeah, I just made that up so you’d stop bitching at me. I don’t have cancer.” This man had me fearing for his life and our future, and it was just a sick lie. That was only about 18 months into our relationship. I should have gotten out then.

There was also a time very recently – I know because our children were toddlers. I got home from work, and Adam immediately put on a show for them and beckoned me into the bedroom. He ordered me to strip and fully expose myself on the bed. I thought it not an appropriate time for relations, but the kids were occupied and I was afraid to anger him, so I let it continue. After I spread myself, Adam opened his phone and held it up to me. I covered my face and tried to get up, telling him not to take pictures of me like that, but he ordered me down. He kept looking back and forth from his phone to my body. Finally, I asked what the heck he was doing, and he showed me a faceless nude he had stumbled upon on the internet. The woman’s body looked just like mine, the same skin tone, stretch marks, and curves. I would have believed it was me, but I’d never taken a photo quite like that. I was enraged. How dare he force me on the bed, order me to expose myself, and question my faithfulness and decency! What ever happened to just asking a question and trusting your spouse? I told him how fucked up that was of him, that I was molested as a child by an older boy who forced me to do those same things. Adam apologized that I’d been through that, but he justified his actions because he “just had to be sure” that I hadn’t been sharing my body online for strangers.

All of those things, though, were easy to forgive for a while. I mean, I did excuse them for years until now, as messed up as that may sound. But none of those things hurt as much as the things he did regularly, weekly, daily.

Over the entire length of our 9-year relationship, Adam was abnormally jealous. He would accuse me out of the blue of cheating on him. When I got pregnant with our son, after the initial excitement, he questioned who the father was. We had stopped trying to conceive, but I guess that last try stuck. But to Adam, he couldn’t make it make sense, as if he knew my cycle like the back of his hand and fully understood how conception happens. He was sure I must have had another partner after we had stopped trying to get pregnant. Even until now, Adam will randomly question who our son’s father is, sometimes jokingly, but sometimes very seriously.

When we adopted our daughter, he would lash out when her crying woke him up too many times at night or when she'd throw tantrums as a toddler. He would frequently say that he wish we'd never taken her, that he didn't want "this," that he felt like he was being punished for someone else's poor decision to conceive her. Once her adoption was final after 3 years, Adam would still share these sentiments, but he'd add the caveat, "I mean, I love her now but..." The way this broke my heart was irreparable. For a long time, I could forgive his transgressions toward me, but to reject our daughter was unforgivable.

A few years ago, I became work-friends with my only male coworker, a man who I explained reminded me so much of my brother because he is Asian, a chef, and so good to his woman just like my brother is to his wife. I would only ever talk about the cooking and foodie things I learned from this coworker, but the mere mention of his name was very triggering for Adam, and he would be mad at me for days. I had to stop talking about the things I learned about my favorite hobby just because they were taught to me by a man.

Adam was also very controlling. I think he only ever asked for proof of my whereabouts less than a handful of times, but I had begun to recognize the signs that he was going to accuse me of not being where I said I would be. Without prompting, I would be so nervous that I would take pictures of my surroundings and snap screenshots of the timestamp as proof of my timeline in the event I needed them when I got home. Even when I provided this evidence, Adam still would not believe that I was being completely truthful.

When I started gaining confidence in myself when I made friends who would hype me up, I also gained confidence in my sense of style. I wanted to try wearing crop tops with the slightest bit of midriff showing above the belly button. On at least two occasions, Adam made comments about my intentions and stated he didn’t want me going out of the house like that.

Adam also would not respect my “no” in the bedroom. Sometimes he just wouldn’t let it go. Other times he would try to guilt me into doing things I didn’t want to do. Sometimes I would oblige, and when I was less than enthusiastic, he would get upset and start a fight. Still other times, he would say, “I’ll just get it somewhere else.” He would ignore my emotional needs, stating that if I'd just meet his physical needs, maybe he's be a better husband and father. How could I get sexually close to him when I felt abandoned in every other area of our life together?

Adam was and is very quick to anger. He would pick random fights and blame them on me. He would ignore me for days and wouldn’t even tell me what I had done wrong. In most cases, I had done nothing wrong. He would say nothing was wrong, but his attitude and actions would say otherwise. He would shoot me hateful looks, scoff, and shake his head as if disgusted. Sometimes I would begin to consider whether I actually had done something wrong and would apologize. Other times I knew without a doubt that I had done nothing, and I would apologize anyway just so he would talk to me. Most times, I would just take the mistreatment and withholding of love until Adam grew tired of it. Most times, when it was convenient for him, usually when he wanted sex, the cold shoulder would be over, and he would start talking to me as if nothing happened. He never once apologized for these days-long cold shoulders.

It goes without saying that I was always walking on eggshells. Sometimes I would be ridiculously nervous to bring something up for fear of his emotional or verbal reaction.

Adam would use intimidation tactics during arguments. Any time he was mad, he would slam or even throw things. He would beat on the wall and block doors to prevent me from walking away from the argument, and once before we had children, to prevent me from leaving the house. Once during an argument that was not even our worst, Adam cornered me in my tiny closet-office. When it got heated, he punched a hole in the wall right next to my face to intimidate me. I think that if I’d cowered in that moment, the violence would have escalated that day and from that point on. But I didn’t cower. I was bold and angry and told him if he ever did anything like that again, I would take the kids and be gone before he could blink.

Sometimes during arguments, Adam would belittle me, saying, “Let me put it in a way that you can understand,” before proceeding to speak to me as if I were a child. He would gaslight me, discredit me, making me question my reality, whether the way I remembered things was actually how they had happened. He would say, “It’s not my fault you can’t take a joke,” and, “I’m sorry that’s how you perceive it.” He would insist that an event or conversation never happened. He would always tell me he remembers what I said or did better than I do, stating, “You’re clearly not remembering correctly.”

He would place blame on my past behaviors to excuse his current behaviors, stating that if I had acted differently, he wouldn’t be this way. He would withhold love when he was mad, even when he was at fault. This included not talking to me, hugging me, kissing me, and ignoring me when I told him I loved him. He would even refuse to sleep in the same bed, sometimes because he couldn’t stand to be around me and other times just to intentionally hurt my feelings. He would tell me that I was just being dramatic, sensitive, or hormonal, sometimes stating, “Maybe you really do need therapy.”

I’m sure there are other things I could rattle on about. There’s so much that I can’t keep track of it all. I would tell him when these things would hurt me. I would even use words like “controlling” and “manipulative.” It never meant anything to Adam. He rarely responded with remorse, love, or compassion. One night toward the end, I was fed up. I didn’t want to feel unwanted and unloved anymore. I told Adam I wanted a divorce. His response to that was the most sorry I’d ever seen him. After a few weeks, we started marriage counseling. I think things got a little better in the day-to-day, but when he got mad, he would go right back to his cruel habits.

A few months into counseling, on a Sunday, there was a women-only family thing I attended. The time had been moved to later, and no one had told me, so I was out while Adam was stuck at the house with the kids for longer than I had intended. Adam called me, telling me that this thing that was entirely out of my control was unacceptable. He demanded that I leave and come home immediately, but everyone had just gotten there, and I’d carpooled with my mom, and I wasn’t going to make her leave because of him. I became indignant and told him that he could handle a few hours doing the same thing that I do all day every day. He told me that becoming a stay-at-home mom after being laid off was what I had asked for and to stop whining about it. I told him that I really didn’t want to be yelled at and have this argument with him in front of my family, and I hung up. We didn’t speak of it when I got home.

The next morning, Adam called me into the bathroom while he was getting ready. I had cleaned off the bathroom counter that weekend and thrown away 3 or 4 empty deodorants. I guess one wasn’t empty as I had thought. That morning, Adam screamed at me about deodorant, calling me a liar, insisting that the two blue deodorants I was speaking of never existed, and repeatedly asked why I would lie about it. All I had done was try to help clean up his side of the sink. I even apologized for mistaking the good deodorant for an empty one and accidentally throwing it away. But he was so fixated on the blue deodorant, how he never buys blue deodorant, when I was sure the details of those two blue containers would be my saving grace and make him realize that I really was telling the truth. Why else would I remember those details? But it didn’t matter. He was always right, and I was always lying. I walked away from the argument when our 3-year-old son came in and said, “Guys, guys, it’s okay. Just calm down.”

I realized then that things would never change. No amount of marriage counseling could fix what was broken. His irrational, angry episodes that got out of hand were becoming more frequent and more severe, and I was unwilling to see how far they would go.

In 4 hours, I packed everything the kids and I would need for at least a month, and we left for my parents’ house.

Part of me doesn’t want to blame Adam. He didn’t understand the magnitude of the damage he was doing to my psyche. But the rest of me remembers how many times I told him he was hurting me, that I didn’t want to be with him the way he was, that I didn’t want that for our children. That should have been enough for him to want to change. I shouldn’t have had to threaten divorce, to leave, to give him the exact terminology for gaslighting and psychological abuse. You don’t do these things to the people you love, and you sure as hell listen to them when they are crying for help.

I know our friends and loved ones will see me moving forward quickly and think I must have been cheating on him. I must not have loved him. I must not have cared about our family and our marriage. But I did. I fought for our marriage for years while the man who was supposed to be my partner ignored me. And when I couldn’t fight for our marriage anymore, I fought for survival, to keep our home together so our kids could at least have both parents around, even if they didn’t have the healthiest relationship. But I deserve better than that, and so do our children.

I am not unaffected by this. It was the worst feeling in the world breaking heart of the man I considered my best friend for 9 years, watching him crumble in front of me. It was incredibly difficult to maintain my resolve in the weeks that followed as he begged me for another chance. And it’s freaking terrifying not knowing what our future will hold as a result of my decision.

I will continue to mourn the loss of my marriage – all of the hard work, love, blood, sweat, and tears that went into trying to make it work. I will mourn the loss of the strong family unit I thought my children would grow up with. I will mourn the loss of the plans we had made for the future, the life we wanted to build. But what I want my family to understand is that I have been unhappy for years. I struggled for years with the realization that I knew had to leave. It just took me a long time to finally be ready. So if it looks like I’m moving on too quickly or seem okay with this all, it’s because I began mourning the loss of life as I knew it years ago. I have been broken for too long. Now it’s time for me to heal and be happy.

[sakebytheriver]

So sorry to bother you. I think I just need someone to help ground me, and you seem really nice and genuine. I’m planning a trip to New Orleans (to see Lizzo and get my hair cut and highlights and That tattoo I’ve always wanted) and then flying out to DC (for another Lizzo concert and it was a great opportunity to visit and get a feel because it’s a place I’ve really really been considering to go and work and live). I was going to stay with my friend for the New Orleans part of the trip but now I can’t (which is fine she has company so I get it) but now I’m getting all in my head that this is a sign and this trip is a bad idea especially because I’m traveling alone. I don’t know anymore. If you have any advice I will greatly appreciate it! If not that’s okay too!

Oh wow, I mean first off I wanna say that sounds like a super fun trip, I've been to both New Orleans and Washington DC and they're both incredible places. DC has tons of museums to visit, my dad and I went to basically every single one we could, I adore museums and DC has some of the best. And New Orleans is a beautiful place in a million different ways, when I went it was for a high school trip and they'd arranged all these cool experiences for us to go on like we went to downtown and walked around all the different shops and we did a swamp tour, this family owns a gater farm and they take people out on boats to see the area and they had snakes and turtles and a bunch of different animals for us to meet, the son was a professional wrestler and he wrestled the gaters in front of us and their entire family was on Wife Swap 😭 we watched their episode on the bus after. They were both trips I will never forget and I suspect this trip will be one you never forget too even if there's some bumps in the road. I had tons of bumps in the road with these trips, bad things happened before them and during them that made me feel like the whole thing could be ruined, but there were things on these trips that were amazing and make every bad thing look like nothing in comparison. I mean, you're going to see LIZZO that's fucking awesome and the other things too, haircuts and tattoos, these are great plans, just because there's a bump in the road doesn't mean all of that awesome stuff is negated. Traveling alone is always scary and can feel isolating, but sometimes it's better that way, then the only person you're dependant on is yourself. If you wanna wake up early and go on a sunrise hike you only have yourself to convince, if you wanna sleep in and have a lazy day there's no one else pushing you to do something else. I recommend looking into some stupid fun tourist things you can do on your trips, maybe join a bus tour, you could probably look online and find groups of people to hang out with while you're there, idk if it would be applicable, but I use this app called Meetup where there are groups of people who post fun things they want to do but they don't want to go alone but they have no one else to ask, I'm even in a group called I always wanted to do that but I didn't want to go alone, so there's tons of stuff out there for you to meet people. Also you're def going to meet people at the concert, another personal story incoming but I went to Taylor Swift's Reputation concert in Boston 😭 (im sorry im a swiftie) and I went alone, but when I got there the people sitting behind me were super nice and they were both around my age and we started talking and complimenting each other's looks and we took pictures and videos and cried together on emotional songs. I never spoke to those two after the concert but I'm always gonna have the pictures and videos we took and so will they, I'll remember them as two nice strangers and they'll remember me as one nice stranger.

In the end your trips sound incredible and you should be excited for them even if there's a few bumps, the good stuff will outweigh the bad in the future, I promise

[ofthiievery]

✧･ﾟ(   hermes + tom holland + male aligned non-binary   ) 𝒎𝒂𝒎𝒎𝒂 𝒎𝒊𝒂 !!  have you seen (   phineas “finn/phin” schmidt  ) around ? (   he/they  ) have been in kaos for (   five months ). the (   twenty three   ) is a (  travel blogger & archeology student   ) from (   london, england  ). people say they can be (   deceitful  ) but maybe that’s not too bad ‘cause they can also be (   garrulous  ). whenever i think of them, i can’t help but think of (   an ever present leather satchel whose contents are a mystery;  mischievous grins, sticky fingers and a tuft of hair that just won’t stay down & an undying sense of adventure    ).  ･ﾟ✧  (  penned by maeve, 21, cst, she/her  ).

i. about your character.

in his youth he got into trouble for stealing and what always troubled his parents was that he never seemed to offer up any sort of reasoning, he’d just shrug and utter a fake apology and turn around and do it again. later on this would be recognized as kleptomania, for which he has attempted treatment but nothing ever seemed to work.

school has always been difficult for finn as he lacks the attention and dedication required to be successful in a classroom. and while he longs to one day become an archeologist, he has taken a break from his studies to focus on his blog. but this wasn’t easy, and he struggled to become successful.

in fact, in a moment of desperation, he turned to his skills as a thief for survival. to be specific, he became an art thief stealing from the rich and selling to the richer. it wasn’t ideal but it paid the bills, and the profit even allowed him to finance his travels.

having built up quite a significant nest egg, phineas has made a conscious effort to leave the world of thievery behind but it’s unlikely that he’s out of the game completely.

going by the name of phindiana jones, phineas is the man behind a fairly popular adventure blog. through this he documents his various adventures, from the search for forrest fenn’s treasure to traveling through the amazon jungle. his journeys arent for the faint of heart as he’s often found himself in dangerous situations. but that’s why he does it.

one day he plans on settling down and going back to school, or perhaps opening up his own museum but for now he’s content with his life of adventure. though he will admit it gets lonely from time to time.

this loneliness is part of the reason he’s come to kaos, seeking a home of sorts. while he’s not one to stay put, it makes for a nice home base from which he can leave to take part on various journeys. though, lately, he’s been leaving less and less.

he’s built a reputation as a prankster and mischief maker around the island, constantly pulling practical jokes on his companions. and while most of them are harmful, he’s been known to get carried away.

ii. details.

PINTERST BOARD: (x) this is a very wip board, like i sort of reused an old one so i’ve got more pins to add but for the time being it’s good enough

PERSONALITY TRAITS:

+ charismatic, clever, dauntless, intelligent, quick-witted, sarcastic

- arrogant, cynical, deceitful, foolish, impulsive

INSPIRATION: rick steves, indiana jones, ariel from the little mermaid, jim halpert, jake peralta, charlie kelly

TV TROPES: adventurer archaeologist, deadpan snarker, badass bookworm, omniglot, adorkable, bad liar, crouching moron hidden badass, motor mouth, cloudcuckoolander, digging yourself deeper, never my fault, the prankster

FUN FACTS:

despite not being much of a scholar, he has a natural infinity for foreign languages. in fact he is fluent in greek and latin and knows enough hebrew, mandarin, spanish and italian to get by. he plans on learning french and german.

a fan of both the swiss army knife and pocket knife he always carries both. because you never know when you might need one.

he’s a very adventurous eater, often claiming and proving that he’ll try everything at least once. // a real charles boyle if you will

 injury prone, it’s not uncommon to find him with some body part in a cast or with a sling. his mother often jokes that he should be wrapped in bubble wrap.

he’s a pretty decent photographer

caffeine addict

kind of just an all around shit-head/dumbass/fool if i’m being honest, he’s a nice guy who does some dumb stuff

PLAYLIST: all-star - smash mouth, no interruption - hoodie allen, basket case - green day, tubthumping - chumbawumba, morning in america - jon bellion, renegade - styx, i am the walrus - the beatles, morning in america - jon bellion, tonight,tonight - hot chelle rae, born to run - bruce springsteen

iii. wanted connections

best friend / partner in crime

former hookups/flings - finn is pansexual so really anything goes

someone who cant stand them, someone who they can’t stand

a rival

current hookups/flings, friends with benefits

exes 

[yandere-romanticaa]

Tips on how to start your own blog! 💌💋

Since many people have requested this, I'm gonna show you some of the tips that helped me and my blog expand! Feel free to take some of these with a grain of salt, there's always room for improvement! Most of these are pretty basic, but I still think they're worth mentioning. And now, staring with:

1. Grammar.

I can't tell you just how important grammar is, oh gosh. I've clicked away from so many fan fics because the grammar was that awful, sorry not sorry. If you're not a native English speaker writing can be a good way to practice your grammar but if you want it to look okay, there are apps out there that can help you spell check most things, or just do what I usually do - when I'm unsure how to type a specific word I just look it up on Google, and Google fixes it for me, and after writing it down so many times it sticks in my memory. This process is a bit slow though, but it does work, at least for me!

I'm not saying you're not allowed to make mistakes at all, that's not true! I make them all the time (heck, I definitely made some in this very post), but if they're few and far in between, people will be much more forgiving!

2. Tags.

Tag your stuff, tag your fics, tag your characters, tag your fandoms, tag everything! Not only will this help you clean up your blog, but your stuff has a higher chance of showing up in the main feed AND it'll be easier for other people to navigate through your blog and find the stuff they want to find.

3. Be very clear with your rules, and put them somewhere visible.

It is what it is, a lot of people just don't read the bio and that's a fact. You have a better chance of it being spotted if you pin it right at the top of your blog, even if the lazy people who don't like to read that stuff might get confused and think it's a new post but haha, you tricked them.

But yes, rules. What fandoms do you write for? How many requests are you willing to take? How many characters can people send in, so on so forth. What is something that you won't tolerate being sent in your inbox? Be very careful with this! And also, limiting your requests is actually a smart decision, don't be like me who piles them up! I have fortunately gotten better with this though!

4. Pick an aesthetic.

Okay, hear me out - people like things that are pretty and polished, we all know this. So, try making your blog look like that! Choose an aesthetic and try sticking to it, I was surprised to see just how much this helps! Also, decorate your blog by reblogging other aesthetics, moodboards, quotes, pictures, anything!

5. Don't be scared to try something new!

"Oh no, this is gonna suck!"

"No one will read this!"

STOP, I WILL bonk you over the head if I hear anyone talk about this! No matter how cringe you think your idea is, trust me, someone is going to like it and later, that someone will elaborate why they like it and that turns into a full on domino effect! I've written stuff which I thought wasn't that good and no one would like it but jokes on me, most of them turned out to be my most popular post! Do not be discouraged if someone talks down to you (or if you talk down to yourself) at least try. Even if it does flop, you can always try again.

6. Talk to other creators!

I've noticed that a lot of people here are super shy to talk to their favorite content creators, or just others in general! While that can be a little wholesome, don't let that stop you from expanding and potentially learning something new, or just getting inspiration! I literally don't know a single person that would mind if you just sent a random "Hi!" in their private messages, if anything, you might just brighten up their day, I'm dead serious! Talk to other people, discuss what to write, exchange ideas!!

7. Reblog other fics!

By doing this, you are helping other blogs out by giving them exposure, and they could help you out in the exact same way! Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not encouraging you to make friends and interact with posts simply to gain exposure but it is what it is, that's a side affect of this! Besides, people will have more stuff to go through on your blog, and they can find more while they're at it! How cool is that?!

8. (OPTIONAL) Don't be shy to open up!

I understand that some people are very private, and that is perfectly fine! That is a very wise choice to stay private as much as possible on the internet, but in my opinion it's also okay to say a few things about yourself too! After a while, people get a little curious on the personalities of their favorite content creators, and by opening up you can connect better with your audience! You start to understand them and why they followed you to begin with, and by doing so you can see what they like and dislike, and what you can write to make them happy in the future!

9. Have fun.

Your passion for writing will bleed into your craft, even if it doesn't seem like it when you start! If you truly care about the characters and the story you're writing about, it's impossible to hide it, even behind a screen! People will be dazzled by your ideas and they'll want more! Be mindful of yourself however, and don't go overboard. If life is getting to you, or you just don't have the energy, take breaks and unwind. Come back when you can, everyone will be patiently waiting for you. Writing, especially fanfiction, should be a fun and light-hearted experience, it's something that should come from the heart and pure passion! At the end of the day it's all just harmless fun that's meant to be enjoyed by everyone!

I think that's it! I can't seem to think of anything else but these are the things that kept me going for so long! If anyone else has any tips, don't hesitate to share! Thank you for reading my darlings!

[imthebadguyyy]

i was tagged by the lovely @querencva to do this tag game, thank you so much for the tag, i loved doing this! 💜

1. Why did you choose your url?

when i was choosing the name, i had an obsession with billie eilish (which i still do ksksk) and bad guy was my jam, and then i never really got to changing it lol, but it's become my name now so it all worked out!! i also never thought i'd actually get to posting so i just picked something random : ))

2. Any side blogs?

yes, but it's all pure bs so i'd rather not mention it 💀

3. How long have you been on tumblr?

I've been on tumblr for a little over a year actively, only started actually using it towards the end of 2020 and started posting in 2021, earlier i just had the app and didn't use it because i didn't know how lol

4. Do you have a queue tag?

no, i never even use my queue, and the one time i tried i messed it up so 💀

5. Why did you start your blog in the first place?

i've always loved reading and writing and exploring new stuff, and one day i randomly stumbled upon this app when i had my peaky blinders obsession, and i fell in lobve with the blogs and people here. then i started to write and reblog and stuff and i just eventually fell in love with how much fun it was, and when i developed an interest in F1, i met a bunch of people who also shared my interest !!

6. Why did you choose your icon/pfp?

it's a picture of lewis on a bike, which was my favourite photo from that photoshoot!!

7. Why did you choose your header?

i edited all the photo's from the WSJ mag photoshoot together because it remains superior 😌

8. What’s your post with the most notes?

hmm, it'd have to be this one and this one, this and this but y'all have shown so much love to so many of them!!

9. How many mutuals do you have?

i have a few but i'm lazy as a guesstimate would be like 20?? there may be more i'm just not counting 😂

10. How many followers do you have?

currently, i have 710 followers (holy guacamole) and i love and every one of em <33

11. How many people do you follow?

i follow 76 people!

12. Have you ever made a shit post?

i don't know??

13. How often do you use tumblr a day?

way too often, i have no social life 🤧

14. Did you ever have a fight/argument with another blog?

nope, it takes time and energy i just don't have

15. How do you feel about the ‘you need to reblog’ posts?

i think people should have the choice to reblog what they want, but this is a difficult one. if it's about needing help or for a humanitarian crisis i feel the need to reblog it, but once again it depends on personal preferences, but reblogging is just a click of a button and if it makes someone happy or helps them, might as well!

16. Do you like tag games?

i love em!!

17. Do you like ask games?

YES i do but for some reason, i can never get people to participate in ask games lmao

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

oh lots of em, and as they should be!!

19. Do you have a crush on a mutual?

nope, but i love em all

20. Tags!

tagging @grandestrategia @theonly1outof-a-billion @e44hamilton @lucent-knight @itsallyscorner @heureux4430 @soadoya @quillsink and whoever wants to, as always, only if you want to !! 💜

[gamesception]

Sception Re:Plays KHUx - Episode 0x: Picking Up the Pieces

A couple years back, I decided to make a push of liveblogging through Kingdom Hearts Union Cross, the gacha mobile game. (Link). My distaste for exploitative monetization hadn't fully metastasized yet, and the handful of references to it in Kingdom Hearts 3, in particular the way the ending to KH3 implied that the mobile game plot would be increasingly important going forward, had me curious. Plus, it was something to do. I actually got pretty far into the live blog before I had to pull the plug, for reasons I'll get into in later posts, but at the time I did intend to come back to the blog after the game's story had completed. Well, after playing the rythm game on the switch I was motivated to check back in on KHUx, and it turns out the story finished a year or two back while I was distracted by the plague. Since then, the game has been shut down, but the story scenes are still available via an off-line 'theater mode' app where you can re-make your avatar and watch through the story scenes with them.

There she is, Sception, in all her stressed-out glory

So, great! a way to access the story, with my custom character and everything, utterly free from the stomach-turning influence of gacha game monetization! Exactly what I wanted, and a great excuse to go back and finish this liveblog! Well, there are a few catches.

First, the story scenes aren't in a single set order, rather they're sorted by world or setting, with no indication of where you're supposed to start or when you're supposed to jump from one setting to another.

Second, this offline theater mode only has the 'cut scenes' proper - dialog and interaction that takes place during missions, which is makes up a fair bit of the story, just isn't there. Such a shame they didn't leave the missions up and give you a way to play through them, auto-winning encounters or something. Oh, well.

Third, the follow up mobile game, Dark Road, was never finished. There was apparently supposed to be an update to the offline app some time last year to add its completed story to the offline app, but that never happened and at this point maybe never will.

To address these issues, I'm going to use the following resources:

This Reddit Post, which breaks down the order the theater mode scenes should be viewed in, and briefly describes what happens between the cut scenes

This Youtube Playlist - Everglow's play through without commentary of all of Unchained x / KHUx

This Youtube Playlist - Everglow's play through without commentary of the parts of Dark Road that existed before the game was taken down.

My Previous Liveblog, such as it was before it fell apart.

My intended method is to alternate between the old liveblog and Everglow's youtube videos to refresh my memory up to the point I left off, making occasional new posts to mark my progress or add any notable secondary commentary. Once I catch up to where my old posts left off, I'll proceed by watching the youtube video in limited chunks and cross reference with the reddit post to identify theater mode cutscenes to generate screen caps with my custom character for further blog posts.

That's a lot of hoops to jump through when I could instead just grab caps of the youtube videos itself for reaction posts, with Everglow's more laid-back looking protagonist. And maybe I will switch to that eventually out of sheer laziness. But for now I'm too attached to my own custom avatar. That said, if I ever post screen caps with this handsome fellow:

That's Everglow, and for narrative purposes that's just another us.

[meimae]

I’m sorry if you explained this before. I have only been following a few months, but I was curious what you use/how you track your number of characters read/reading speed? I’ve noticed all your amazing graphs but always was curious how you generated that data. If you did answer this you can just point me in that direction. Thanks and congrats again on 1 mil characters!

Hello friend! Thanks for hanging out in my blog a lot, I appreciate it. ( ´∀｀)

I'm actually not sure if I mentioned it before, but maybe passively and under a whole lot of other resource pages so it probably got buried.

Note: The stuff I use to track with counts by characters (文字), not words.

For manga, there really isn't a way to know how many characters there are. We just assume that it could contain anywhere between 10,000-20,000 characters (mostly based on average reading speed of advanced learners), and that might even be a generous amount, so I only keep track of the time I spent per volume.

For books, I upload my epubs/html files into Ttu Reader and at the bottom of the page, it shows you the total character count. As long as you have uploaded your books, this site can work offline and keep your bookmarks on your desktop or on mobile with Kiwibrowser and Yomichan. You can also tap the number to make it go away. I track by chapter to make it easier to subtract.

For visual novels, you need to setup Textractor which hooks the text from the game. Follow this guide for a clean setup. You also need the Clipboard Inserter addon for your browser, so whenever it's on, the text gets copied and pasted into this Texthooker Clipboard page that not only tracks characters/line, but also comes with its own timer that shows your reading speed/hour. I would suggest that you have a separate timer, like the MultiTimer app, as a backup just in case you forget to pause. If you would also like to track other things like news articles, wiki pages, blog posts, and whatever other digital reading material you have, you can copy and paste it into this and it will show you exactly how many characters there are. I don't do it because I'm lazy so I only track the time.

I would also suggest to mostly cover up the timer on the clipboard page while reading, because even catching a glimpse of it will force you to read beyond what you are capable of - people in a few immersion communities have dubbed it as whitenoising - and you will end up sacrificing overall comprehension for speed. Speed will come over time whether or not you track. It's just bonus information for motivation, so it's good to keep that in mind.

JPDB is a good resource to see how long a read is going to be by character count and a good enough gauge for difficulty as well if you need it.

As for actually tracking, I just take whatever character count I end up with and divide it by the time (in decimals) I spent reading. Divide character count by time and get your average speed.

Time - Character Count - Character Lines - Average per Hour and Number of Days.

Here's my data for 白昼夢 as a sample table from my spreadsheet on Google Sheets. And here's me showing how to make a graph with the data from a book.

Note: Character Lines are not really important to me, it's just there because it's available.

Hope this contains everything you need to start tracking your reading. Have fun! (๑•̀ㅂ•́)و✧

[silverrstarrr]

Normal girl (2)

Note: i just edit this chapter a bit and added more dialog. Someone messaged me and helped me out with a few things, thank you!

Chapter 2:

Walking side by side down the stairs, you took a sip of your coffee and place your herd of keys the side of your book bag. yume was scrolling through her phone on tik tok, drinking from her coconut Carmel ice coffee. You didn't understand why she was drinking ice coffee in mid February, it was cold. It was surprising their wasn't any snow.

Grinning like an idiot, she shaked your shoulder, positioning her phone in front of you–you both watched the tik tok. You didn't laugh at first only smiling, yume kept gesturing you to keep watching, waiting for the punchline. Finally it came up and you both started laughing, you slowly shaked your head placing your hand over your mouth.

"NOOO, nooo. That was so wrong, yall are going to hellll" you whined out.

Yume wiped the tears from her face and continued down the last step. She opened up the door and slid out, you trialing behind her. You both proceeded to walk down the street, where all the park cars were out.

"We riding in rich today girlie, jump in," she lifted up her arm that held her drink, her other reached into her purse and grabbed her car keys.

"I thought we were gonna walk there? It's only 10 minutes." You headed towards her car as she unlocked it and sat in the driver's seat. She had a 2018 dark Grey Nissan altima. You remember her having this ever since junior year, you recalled her talking about getting a newer model since this one was old. Like girl what? Old your ass, if the car still functioning there ain't no problem. White people shit, man.

"Well, it's the first day of sweet college life," she dragged out the last few words, adding a sarcastic tone. Yume tossed her bag in the backseat through the open space from the front, She dropped her drink in the little cup holder as well. Catching up with her, you open the backseat's door and chucked your bag in there–immediately closing it after. You pull the passengers door open and sat down, closing it behind you. Yume did the same–letting out a large sigh as she used her long sleeve to rub her legs, which were freezing.

"Bruh, you were just cold. Shouldn't have wore that skirt knowing it was this cold. Your mother would be disappointed," you moved your head side ways, pretending to be disappointed. You dropped your dunkin' drink in the other cup holder next to hers.

"Y/n, shut upp." Rolling her eyes jokingly, She grabbed the buckled next to her seat and puts it on. You placed your seat belt on too. Automatically, her phone connected to the car, you check over at the screen in the middle. It had the time, the degrees outside and all that other fancy things.

"Wanna play something?" she inserted the keys into the ignition and started the car.

"Yeah, I'll type it in,"

You grabbed her phone, showing the screen to her to unlock it, automatically recognizing her face– the lock screen slid up, revealing all her apps. You went to spotify and played "C U Girl" by Steve lacy.

"OKAAYYY, MS. INDIE TIK TOKER." Yume said nodding her, jamming to song. It was only going to be a 5 minute drive, or 7 if you guys couldn't find parking. She swerved to the left, leaving her parking space and pulling off. You whipped out your phone and paused your music, rapidly switching to snapchat–you heard yume's loud singing.

"I WANNA SEE YOU GUURRLL, I WANNA PLEASE YOU GIRL....GO AHEAD AND BE YOUR GIRL," This girl was jamming her out heart out, steve lacy was her favorite along with Brent faiyaz and many others.

In response, you started cackling as you hit the record button—swiftly turning over it to the driver. Her black ponytail moving as she sang and motioning her head in all different directions. Eyeing towards your direction she sees the phone and leans towards the camera flashing a smile, moving her head side to side—still singing through the lyrics. Yume returned back to the road as she lightly taps the steering, avoiding the horn of course.

Once the quick little vid was done, you added a caption,

"I swear if we crash😭😭💕"

Your thumb jolted between posting it on your private or public. You decided to post on the public story because why not? The song was over pretty quickly as the next one played.

"Who knew white people had rhythm?!" It was obviously sarcasm. You knew she was half Asian but it was fun always calling out her white side.

"Naaahh, white people don't have any rhythm. What you saw there was my miki matsubara pop out". She eases down her breaks– the traffic light turns red. Miki Matsubara? Oh yeah, it's that woman who sung "stay with me". It was a good song, you were obsessed with the chorus mostly. 

You giggled a bit at her remark, you checked your socials once again.

"If this light doesn-" Yume sentence was cut off by the light turning green. She pressed her foot on the gas and carried on with attending class.

                                  ~~~

Pulling up to the parking lot, yume leaned towards her wheel, searching for a place to park. She slowly went down each isle searching for a vacant lot she could snag. You had your drink in between your lips, you took the last sip and shook the plastic cup trying to get a little more. All you heard was ice rattling against one another, dropping the cup back in the holder. You peer out the window looking at the campus, there were a ton of kids, like a lot. Anxiety began spiking up through your veins, this really is the college life, huh? Maria University. It was a school for literally anything, it was one of the biggest universities in the country as well being highly diverse. Yume would be allll the way on the other side of campus while you're slightly in the middle.

"Uggghhh! I regret not leaving earlier, I don't see any open slots." She whined. This was her 2nd time driving around the parking lot looking for a space.

"I said we should walk but nahhh, you wanted to be lazy and take the car." You rolled your eyes as yume, exaggerating, throwing your hands in the air. But you weren't going to be late on the first day. As the generous queen you are, you aided your roomie with looking a space to park. After analyzing for a few moments, you spotted a space and immediately tapped at the window, pointing towards it. Yume car swerved to the left, sliding right into the parking. Taking her keys out the hole, she grabbed her drink and headed out.

"No leaving trash in my car, miss L/n!"

You grabbed your plastic cup and opened the passenger door.

"Yes ma'am," you opened the backseat and grabbed the two bags and closed the door. Beep yume locked her car. She was sipping her coffee but gave a bitter expression when her sweet drink was watered down because of the ice. You looked at your phone, checking the time:

                             8:38 am

                 Monday, February 18th

                                                               38m ago

Kittykiller27, prettygirlnene liked your photo

                                                               45m ago

[Andyhas]: CRONA BECK started following you and 48 others.

Your phone was blowing up from insta notifications. It was time for class and you weren't sure how long it'll even take you to find your classroom. Slinging the bag over your shoulder, you handed yume her own, which she grabbed. You both were speed walking, despite her coffee being ruined she still continued to drink it. It was for the caffeine you guessed. Reaching the sidewalks, it was time to part ways. Yume turned her face towards yours pouting.

"We're leaving each other nooww," she stuck out her bottom lip staring at you. You grabbed her arm, pulling her closer to you. Her arms slithered around your waist, resting her chin on your shoulder–giving you a warm hug. You returned the hug by grunting and holding her tightly.

She started giggling and patted your back a few times, you released your grip and she started to jog in the other direction while looking back, waving at you. You waved back hollering a "BYEEEE!" A trash can was next to you so you dumped your empty dunkin' there.

It was now time for your own adventure, to find this damn classroom. You click the play button on your phone's lock screen, "baby powder by Jenevieve began playing. (Play the song whores👩🏾‍💻)

Walking downwards to the left side of campus, you searched for a pair of doors to go inside of. At this moment, you regretted not going to orientation. That day you were busy setting up your website for your makeup line. You haven't released any products yet, but you had plentiful of ideas and themes you wanted to do. Since it was black history month, maybe you'll drop something as simple as a face cream to help clear and brighten up the skin. But you discarded that thought because you weren't anywhere near ready to start your own small business. Plus, you had bigger things to worry about.

Standing in front of double doors, you grab the handles and pulled it back, you stepped inside while students behind you did the same. You came in slowly, admiring the interior. It was hella spacy with paintings and photos hanging along the walls. Students were roaming the hallways going back and forth from classrooms. Most of the students seemed to be in some sort of costume, or they were dressed fairly well like they were models. You didn't know the directions to your designated class, so you took up the courage to ask someone. You turned to search for someone who didn't seem busy, since most people were rushing to class. Finally you laid eyes on q girl leaning against the wall, typing on her phone. She had long pink acrylic nails, her blonde hair tied into a low ponytail, which complimented her pale skin tone. She had a gold nose piercing on the right nostril.

She seemed nice enough, so you decided to approach her.

"Um excuse me, do you know where Mr. Fargo's class is at?"

The blonde girl averted her eyes from her phone, now focusing on you.

"I'm not really sure—um, I believe it's down that way." She pointed to the right of her.

"Mr. Fargo, he's teaches cosmetic right?"

"Yeah," you replied

"Then I think it should be down there." She scrunched her face in a confusing manner, meaning not to take her word for granted. But you couldn't care less, it was worth a try.

"Ight, thank you." You bid her goodbye. Oop. You accidentally switched your lingo. You were used to speaking in AAVE but you knew how to change your tone and wordplay around others who weren't African American. The girl didn't seen to notice so you just continued down the hall.

"Down... here right..? Yeah this is the way," you murmured to yourself while you strut down the hall. Then turned left as the lady told you. You were now at a hall with multiple doors. Out of all them, you forget the most important, class started in five minutes. You looked to the left as your braids swayed with your movement, then searched to the right. You walked down the hallway, stopping at the fifth door on the left. You were hesitant with grabbing the door, you didn't want to make a fool of yourself walking into the wrong room as all eyes are on you. You pulled out your phone and texted yume.

(I did a different message format just in the previous was confusing)

                 colonizer but times 2🧑🏻‍🦲

       

                        I'm so lost, this is embarrassing.

Lost? What happened

                        

                               Idk where my class is

                             & its starting in a few

You don't know where?? Bruh

Ask someone, im sure they'll help you

                              I did...but she didn't tell me

                                    which class it was😭 all.

she said was "down the hall"

BYEE LMAOO

Uhh

Just open the door you think it is😋       

                      UH- HUH🧏🏾‍♀️ YOU SETTING ME

                               UP FOR FAILURE.

     

       Imagine going into the wrong class and

                 all you see are eyes 👁👁

Girl, half of the people won't even see you again on campus👩🏻‍🏫

If you don't recognize the teacher, try to ask a student close to the door for direction

         Okay, im blaming you if I make a fool.    

                           outta myself 😟

                        Read at 8:43 am

(Play quicksand by SZA rq 👩🏾‍💻)

You decided to take your roomie's advice and pick a class, which you already did.

You dropped your phone back into your jacket pocket and swung open the door–you were prepared for the stares. The classroom was vacant, not even a teacher in sight. Just a bunch of stools and white pull down screens. You saw a few cameras standing in front of these screens. "Was this the photography class or sum?" You mumbled to yourself.

And well, eyes were on you but it wasn't a herd as you expected, just one. Sitting on one of the stools in front of the door, was pale skin boy with long brown hair. It rested at his shoulders, some of it covering his face even. He seemed around 6ft, or 6 ft 2? You couldn't really tell since he was sitting.

He had on some black jeans with a black long sleeve sweatshirt as well with a beige greenish short sleeve unbutton shirt rested on top of it– a long golden key necklace dangled from his chest. His hands were sitting between his lap, you noticed sliver rings on them.(his outfit for people who need help visualizing) The teal eyed boy was also rocking black & white air Jordan 1 retro, literally the same as you.

You screamed internally at how fine this man looked and he had shoe gang? Uggghh. Class been started and you were going to be late on your first because this OBVIOUSLY wasn't your class. You decided to break the awkward silence and speak,

"Hey, um, is this Mr. Fargos class?" You stepped more into the classroom for the brunette male to hear you.

"Wrong one, babe. His class is in a totally different building." A different building?! You wanted to die right there and then, especially after hearing him laugh after his statement. Not just the wrong class but the wrong building? Bye–you're so stupid. His eyes scanned your body, his eyes lingered a bit longer at your shoes–it seems he noticed. A smirk appeared on his lips after finishing his quick outfit interrogation–wait, did he just call you-? I-, yes he did. You tried your best to hide your smile and not react.

"O-ooo, I got it. Thanks" Eren released a small chuckled seeing your reaction, he could tell you were caught up with the little pet name.

"I'll walk you over there." He got off his stool and walked towards your direction.

"I-, nah it's good, I got it." You said in defense not wanting to bother him. He didn't respond and just passed by you, exiting the classroom. He held onto the door, looking at you.

"You coming or no?" He was so nonchalant with it everything. You smiled a bit and walked out the class alongside with him. He released his grip once you were out and started trialing behind you.

You paused for a moment because you didn't know where you were going. You turned back to look at him, he caught on and let out an "ah". He quickly got in front of you as you proceeded behind him.

"So," he said.

"What?" You replied. Why did he start a sentence and not finish it? Was he expecting you to start the conversation, weirdo. You just wanted to get to class l.

"Oo, sassy are we?" He raised a brow.

"What—? boy, say what you wanna say."

Once again, he let out a chuckle, flashing you a small. God, was his laugh attractive.

"You're into makeup and stuff?" He questioned.

"Yeah, I'm into 'makeup and stuff' " You said the last few words in the mocking tone, referring to what he called cosmology.

"That's good, at least I'll be seeing you often."

"Often? Oh, are you in that major also?" You said.

"No...Do you really not know anything?" He made you feel dumb by his response. How were you suppose to know what he meant? You clicked your teeth and started walking ahead. You pushed back the door that lead to another hallway and walked towards the end to push the second door that lead to another building.

The brunette boy watched as you left him behind in the dirt, waiting for the moment you'll turn the wrong corner—so he could tease you about it then correct you.

It wasn't too long till you reached your destination, you both stopped in front of the class's door.

"Well, see you. I hope you don't make snarky remarks to every girl you meet."

"Nah, only you princess." He had a smirk on his face, ooo! You wanted to wipe it off.

You glanced at him and his eyes were already on you, you broke eye contact and reached for the handle.

"Wait–" you whipped your heard back.

"Yeah?"

He cleared his throat

"Name's Eren," you let out a small giggle, did he really just stop you to say his name? Puhleasee. Hearing your laugh, his face brightened up and kept his eyes on you.

"Okay, Eren~. Thank you for walking me, I gotten get to class now."

You opened the door and stepped inside. Eren didn't even get a chance to ask your name. Luckily for him, your major mingled a lot with his own, he could only hope to see you again around campus.

‿‿‿‿‿‿‿‿‿‿‿‿‿‿‿‿

Authors note: UGHHH, I STAYED UP ALL NIGHT FOR THIS just to pass out a few hours before school started. 🥲 I wasn't even paying attention in English and math class, but hope yall enjoyed <3.

Pt 3

[flowerbloom-arts]

A rather unneeded apology, don't you think?

Progress shots and thought process below the cut (warning, it gets heavy on pshycological analytical nonsense and spoilers for Exploits of Moominpappa/'s Memoirs, and it's really long):

Ah yes, Muddler angst, something that should be one too many yet you can't quite get enough of it-

So it all started with this little metaphor from this post I made a while back and I thought "Hmm... I should really make a follow-up for that!" so I did, and here it is.

This was originally gonna be a lineless painting but then when I started to do that I thought about how much of a drag it would be and scrapped that for my regular style but with cooler shading and coloring. I'm happy with it, it's been a while since I've done a full illustration and I'm proud that I managed to make this in like... (Checks timer on my drawing app) 2 hours and 25 minutes? Huh.

Anyway, this whole illustration is more or less just a metaphor going on in Muddler's head when he's cracked under stress, it's the "boat floating on your own personal ocean" metaphor like the post I linked above, it is indeed a constantly raging sea of stress and change and mental/lifestyle instability that's going on in Muddler's head and he's on a houseboat floating on it trying to balance and protect itself from the tides. It's always rocking back and forth but it's been doing that all the time for so long that it barely registers for him anymore, so he's living in this unnerving calm where the calm is not serenity perse but a lack of terror, yet, sometimes that raging sea manages to break through a window or two and flood the place as a good reminder that he isn't immune, he can and will drown for as long as things are like this.

The sea isn't a place of good memories for Muddler in either version of the book, like, the sea is so big that it's general emptiness on the horizon tickles his eyes. Before that he painted the boat red and got it all over himself and then painted his tin with the leftover paint, needless to say he had a rather traumatic night where the paint never dried and it got all over his food and bed and whiskers which drove him insane (or plume crazy I should say). He also had a rough time in his tin while packing for the riverboat and being swept away by the flood caused by Edward the Booble, he said his nerves (and his button collection) were all unsorted after the rest of the crew managed to get the tin on board. Then other stuff happens- an awful Hemulen Aunt boarding the ship (he literally wished death upon her, a rather extreme gesture especially for Muddler), the Hemulen Aunt being taken away by the Niblings (and the ensuing guilt he felt when he felt that it was his fault since he wished for her to be eaten), a rough and sticky night, being the first to realise the boat was setting off to sea unintentionally in the middle of the night, having to sit through a gale in which he got very sick- and that's just stuff that happened on the boat! He also had to suffer the likes of the revenge of the forgotten bones! The Ghost painted Muddler's tin and he cried about it, thinking it's a warning sign that he'll never marry! And he's the only one who was legitimately terrified of the Ghost, imagine being one of like, a 4 person friend group and being the only one scared of a real scary thing that directly affected you in one of the worst ways possible- vandalism of your own home. And don't even get me started on the fact that he lost his parents during spring cleaning and still believes they're alive.

With that being said, I believe we all understand that Muddler has been through alot, he had a revelation that adventures cause nothing but trouble for the poor guy in the middle of the book. And seeing how he cried at the idea of never getting married, we can presume he just wants a normal life after that. Thankfully, Fuzzy provided that through marriage and kids, even though they lost one of them by accident.

Now with this in mind, I have implemented a few elements from the book into the illustration. I've also followed some color-coding rules I've made up for myself;

Blue=Safety and comfort (Hodgkins is his uncle and is canonically blue-colored for the most part, not to mention that his Maxwell House Coffee tin is blue aswell, both are sources of safety for Muddler)

Green=Protection (Joxter is usually depicted in a green dress/hat, he stood up for Muddler atleast twice in the book and we can presume these weren't the only times he does it. Joxter is rather confident in his abilities despite being lazy and Muddler would rather admire that)

Yellow=Achievement/accomplishment (nothing much here, just uhh... Gold is yellow-ish and gold usually means you've accomplished something)

Red=Stress/general negativity (This is mostly coming from the red paint incident)

I've also added some small references and details. I've avoided using the ruler tool on my lineart to give it less solid feel to the backround and everything, showing how it's not supposed to be a full representation of reality, the pictures being faceless also adds to that. I drew an interpretation of the Muddler and Fuzzy wedding photo found in the moomin theme park, the gold medal on Hodgkins' portrait says "you helped" and it's supposed to be the medal that Hodgkins said Muddler deserved for helping him figure out the propeller (accidentally) in the Exploits version and I like to think he has that thought always in the back of his mind as one of the few times he's felt genuinely useful since he got so happy from it. Oh! And the picture almost completely hidden by the curtains is a portrait of his father and that's Joxter at the bottom looking like he's peeking over the curtain when really he's not. The curtains are green because they protect him from the red outside world, the suit and yellow dead flowers being darkly colored are supposed to represent a sense of meaninglessness or general distain, the red liquid is supposed to be red paint, not blood aaaaaaand the window is a slight shade of blue with a screen overlay.

"Apologies for being weak-minded" is supposed to be a rather insincere but tired quote from Muddler, he doesn't really want to apologise for cracking under pressure and having a literal breakdown but he feels like he has to because I think he just feels like a nuisance alot of the time and being so negatively emotional just makes things worse, so he has to come up with an apology rather than tell the person he's talking to the reason why he broke down, and belittling his own feelings by calling himself weak-minded. He knows himself to be "too" sensitive.

Anyway, that was too long a ramble. Just know that I'm not trying to take myself too seriously here, it's a silly amount of thought put into this but eh, I enjoyed it, and I thought you might want to read about it and if you made this far; thank you.