#so i try not to cut anyone out unless its a personal trigger

[painsandconfusion]

What's your dni list? I can't seem to find one.

I don't really have one. The only thing that really squicks me out is MAP people who defend it. If you know you have issues and you're working on yourself? Different story. But anyone who defends pedophilia in any capacity isn't welcome here.

[gaywineauntsstuff]

Dick Grayson is my favorite lil guy

And my favorite way of consuming content of my favorite lil guy is the core 5 titans

There is also about 5 billion pieces of media where these 5 interact and some of it sucks so here I am scrapbooking canon together with glue and scissors so I can talk about how I view Dicks relationship with the other OG titans and how different these relationships are from one another while all still being boiled down to found family love

Dick & Donna: Listen. To. Me. These two aren't besties, or fav teammates or siblings. These two are the sun and earth revolving around each other except they each think the other one is the Sun. Dick Grayson and Donna Troy are the blueprint for platonic soulmates. Dick and Donna make everyone around them believe in ancient story by plato "humans once had 4 arms and legs and 2 faces and the God Zeus split them in half for their hubris and now they are destined to roam the earth forever looking for their other half". If y'all think Dick wasn't doing well after Jason died?? Donna Troys death fundamentally changed who Dick Grayson was and how he was written in teams for years. Donna Troy and Dick Grayson absolutely have debated getting platonically married (not canon but it is in my heart) and the only reason they haven't is BC if they do, Donna will kidnap Dick and never let him within 1000 feet of Bruce Wayne and Gotham.

Dick & Roy: remember how I said Dick was fucked up post Troias death in the comics? yeah? Roy Harper is the only reason he made it out of that period of his life alive. These two are like fire and Gasoline, they're quick and angry and always inexplicably near each other. They are VICIOUS with one another in a way they almost never are with anyone else. They try so hard to ruin their relationship bc implicitly they know (unless its the new 52 which I ignore for my own mental wellbeing-hey I did say this was a scrap book of canons) they'll always be there for each other. Roy Harper never misses, Dick Grayson cannot fall and yet Dick is there to hold Roy when his hand trembles and Roy is there to catch Dick when he loses his Grip.

Dick Grayson is the first person Roy calls to get Lian

Roy Harper is the designated keep Dick Grayson alive even if he has to tie the bastard up-

Dick (and wally depending on the run) help Roy with his addiction)

these two are each others roman empires

Dick & Wally: to cut back on the pretentious seriousness of this post. Every time these two are drawn together be it 80s road trips or being the most likeable part of tom Taylors run. Wally west always reads like he's about to invite Dick to swing with him and his wife. If you see them as platonic, romantic (right person wrong time is my favourite Fanon flavour but canonically I like em besties) or somewhere in between Wally West is always Dick Graysons best friend. There is something so wholesome about the fact that Wally canonically stalks checks up on Dick Grayson as much as he does his wife and twins and Dick who is a bat, notorious for expressing their love via breaking into your house and doing your casework for you. Is getting stalked checked up on by someone who loves him without it triggering his "see obviously you're not good enough they're literally babysitting you" paranoia. its like meeting your partners love language needs but its for deeply messed up individuals. They canonically call themselves best friends, and while Dick will always love Roy he always Likes being around Wally (as well as love him but that's a given)

(sidetone are you even besties if people don't think you're dating when they meet you?)

Dick & Garth: The amount of trust, love and respect that tempest holds for Nightwing melts my damn heart (but then again everything garth does melts my damn heart, baby Garth you will always be famous) they are such an underrated pairing and I love the fact that no matter the media, whether they're rivals like in the cartoons or Garth deferring to Dick as leader to the point where he disobeys aquaman (rebirth) Bc yeah THATS how much my purple eyed perfect boy trusts wing. There is always this really sweet understanding that Garth can go to Dick for advice (he asks for Donna advice in titans and advice on his relationship with Dolphin in the comics). And him and Dicks reunion post RIC? I love them sm. Its just... There was also a period of time where Garth was the only titan with sense and tbh sometimes its refreshing to see that when the rest of them (except donna she was dead at the time we never say a bad word about donna in this household) are being fucking insane

[zippyjiffy]

Yo yo, Pressure oc anyone?? (Ill draw him when i get motivatation

Farlei/Z-64 or ‘Panic’

————————————————————————

Found at: Hadal Blacksite, In darker illuminated rooms

Aliases: Seahorse, Panic, Z-64

Personal Information: August 18th 1997

Gender: Male

Age: 28

Hostile: Yes, if someone comes too close

Hybrid of: Human, leafy sea dragon, Leaf scorpionfish, axolotl

Height: 7’1

————————————————————————

Appearance:

Farlei, has murky gray-brown colored skin—that has an extremely cold and smoother texture to it,

His gills being located on the back of his neck.

His hair is almost about to his shoulders(He will try cutting it whenever he can as he hates having tangled and matted hair, it stresses him out)

The color being a grayed-out color,that was originally was blue, but is now extremely faded in an off brown(Farlei previously used to dye his hair before he was arrested), and which his hair is pretty unkept—but he really tries to keep it okay-ish.

Along his face, is two-three streak scars—one being a darker brownish-gray and blackish and the other just a dark brown.

Along his head are these leafy-like ‘ribbons’—that are similar to a Leafy Sea dragon’s, also having these along his back—and a longer ‘appendage’ that acts like a tail. He has spines along his back, which are venomous to touch.

His overall body has been modified, and giving him a more aquatic system—but despite this he can be on the surface if he pleased(even though he rather not)

He also has anthropomorphic legs.

His eyes, having black ink-like scaleras—and lighter grey eyes/pupils.

His tail is a mix of an axolotl’s and Leaf scorpionfish tail as well.

————————————————————————

Outfit/Attire:

The shirt he wears is a sleeveless turtle-neck like shirt, that is a grayer hue with softer muted-blue accents, being a bit baggier as well due to being a bit starved and malnourished

Also having two belts(?) draped across him as well.

His pants being rolled up right to mid-calf, and which they are a lighter grey color—despite being horribly stained.

He has a dirty bandage wrapped around his one leg, as being paranoid the wound he had is still there(Its not).

Farlei, also has a loose muted-blue rope tied around his waist—the reason is unknown why he has this, but he appears to like to cling to it or mess with it for comfort.

His clothes, are usually coated in algae as he tends to hide a lot—and sometimes seaweed, but seaweed doesn’t always grow that frequently.

————————————————————————

Personality:

Farlei, is a very easily-startled and difficult individual—He is very easily triggered.

During his ‘human’ years, as he calls them—he used to be somewhat—rude. He was careless, and didn’t care for anything—as in to contrast of present time,

Where Farlei is fearful by even close proximity of another living being.

This change in character, was not that ‘he wanted to’ or anything—but by the experiences he went through.

Farlei is absolutely not trusting, and can become irritated rather quickly, and will not hesitate to either kill you or run away and cry if pushed far enough.

He is extremely fearful of anything that breaths, but mainly fears humans.

Befriending him, would take an eternity—unless you were to maybe save his life—which he is still yet to truly know who released, and yet being curious of it, he rather not go out and find out.

He can be somewhat envious towards those who make it far, as he rarely will follow—you can spot him in rooms with windows that look out into the water, like where Eyefestation pops up.

He wants to escape, but at the same time—he is fearful of having this repeat, and as well as the whole monster looking thing.

————————————————————————

Backstory/Lore(?):

Farlei, grew up in poverty—and was seen to be a ‘bully’ when he was younger—as he had a problem with anger issues, that were never truly addressed by his parents. His parents were barely there, always working or busy—and which no one ever really taunt him certain things, so he found kindness or other positives to be frustrating.

Dropping out of high-school, and soon leaving his parents to bunk with a friend—began working at a nearby gas station.

When he got to the age of 20, he started shoplifting—it started put as simple stealing, but quickly escalated.

One day, when he was trying to steal from a home—a man had spotted him and which, Farlei tried attacking so he could get away without word, but he was quickly brought down, but despite this—killed the man, little did Farlei know—was the police had been called by the man’s wife.

After being court, and then being taken into prison, he slowly started to dislike people—and close contact, constantly being picked on for certain things—about how skinny he was his brightly colored hair, or whatever his crime was.

He slowly began almost fearing people after a few beatings.

Soon—When Urbanshade came around, and being ‘lucky’, he got tested on, being around the age of 24.

He was one of the few who were tested for the ‘gill’ surgeries(or whatever), and once that passed—scientists started experimenting on him to see if they could mix human DNA with near-extinct species, such as the Leafy sea dragon and axolotls.

Which—this partially worked, and unfortunately Farlei suffered horribly—his fear of other people, humans in general greatened.

When Z-13, released all the experiments—Farlei, dashed the second he could, and hid in the waters. He hid for about a year, just staying as far as he could from other convicts that explored—

But soon enough, he started venturing out more—not because he wanted to, but because he knew he needed too.

His paranoia, after ditching his hiding spot—had definitely increased, though his paranoia is somewhat useful, as he knows pretty much all the rooms and hallways pretty well.

————————————————————————

Function within the game:

Farlei, can often be found on swimming levels, in larger spaced rooms.

He can be found in corners or safe rooms, he is never in the same room—and sometimes won’t even appear.

He can be found usually from 20-45 levels,

If he is found—make sure not to near yourself close, as he will become horribly panicked and try attacking—either by stabbing with his little makeshift knife he has, or by kicking you.

He helps, with predicting the next 10 rooms. Predicting how many void-masses there will be, how many lockers there will be, and if there are any other safe spaces are ahead, as he came from that way.

He will only help, if you give him the items that are a medkit, flashlight, or a hand-cranked light, or the gummi light.

If you give him a medkit, he will only tell you one of the things listed above.

(You can only give one of each item, so only one medkit, flashlight, and hand-cranked light, gummi light)

If you give him a flashlight, you may get the chance to get two predictions—

If you give him a hand-cranked light/gummi light, he will tell you all three.

If given all these items though, you either will have them thrown back at you—as he believes you’re tricking him, or he will tell you all three the predictions and possibly give you a little data(50-100),

This is a 50/50 chance for either to happen, and you can keep trying—but the chance for the good option will go down.

————————————————————————

Dialogues:

When first meeting him—

"HUH—? ACK!! DANGER—!! OH—..Oh.. you’re—well, sorry… Hello… Me? What am I doing? What was—I’m hiding, rather than going forward…"

Any other meeting with him—

"Back..? Why return?—whatever..Hi—"

"Wha—Again?? Hmm.."

"Hello..?"

"Can you—knock next time? Scared me half to death.."

"HUMAN—Oh. You."

"Guhh.. Can you die already—I mean, Hi.."

"I truly wonder how you return, I envy your determination…"

Asking for predictions—

"Want to know what the next few doors hold…?Why not… have—anything.. by chance?"

Giving him what he wants—

"I’ll tell you… I guess…?"

"Eruggh… Fine—I’ll tell you, Just stay over there…"

"Keep away… And listen—Or don’t… Do you or whatever…"

Giving him anything else—

"Not looking for that…"

"Ew…" (for lanterns, he don’t like those💔)

"No. No thanks…"

"You can keep that…"

"No use for me…"

Prediction—

"About.. ‘Blank’ of those… locker thieves…—"

"I’d say… ‘Blank’ lockers…"

"A ‘blank’ of safe rooms…"

(He will say all three if given a hand cranked light/gummi light or all three items)

Leaving the room—

"Good riddance…"

"If you die, Sorry…?"

"Have—a mediocre time…"

"Finally—… Now wheres that—

*cutoff of a falling file cabinet*

Dangit…" (Rare one)

"Yuck…"

Getting too close/Touching him—

"BACK OFF!!"

"STEP AWAY YOU DISGUSTING BEING…"

"ANY CLOSER AND YOU’LL BE LIKE THE REST OF THOSE CONVICTS… DEAD."

"Woah woah!! GET. AWAY."

"SHOO—AWAY."

"You will be the thing I eat for the next six weeks if you bring yourself into MY proximity…" (This is a lie)

"AHHH—GET AWAY GET AWAY—"

(If you continue getting closer, he will try stabbing you or kicking you, these doing about 25-70 damage)

After killing someone—

"Oh.. Oh—Eesh…Sorry—Wait no—Deserved."

"Stay down."

"I’m not eating that…"

"Are they still moving…? No? Good."

"No breathing? Mh. Exactly."

"Floor hugger…"

"*Hyper ventilating breathing*"

"*Silence*"

(Last two are the most likely to happen)

Flashing him with a flash beacon—

"EEP—oh.. Not a gun—or taser… cool—"

"ERKR—Don’t be swinging that thing around at peoples eyes!!"

"EERP—.. Ugh… Very funny…"

"AERK—Flash beacon!! Ha!! Consider trying that on Angler… It’d be funny."

————————————————————————

Other/Extra:

Farlei, likes anything sweet—and dislikes sour items

Farlei hates the words ‘twig’, ‘Wimp’, and etc…(Im lazy)

Farlei was a troublesome kid, but he always had one friend growing up named Liam—and which the two had dyed their hairs around the age of 13 together, Liam got teal, and Farlei got blue

Farlei would like softer music, piano, acoustic, and probably heart-break music—despite never have been in a relationship, (he’d also like undertale music)

Farlei, still surprisingly has great vision

Farlei twitches frequently, and fidgets with anything he can—and often stutters and messes up words

Farlei counts sheep to fall asleep

Farlei dislikes being on the surface, and dislikes being dry—he rather swim

He doesn’t like cursing, unless he thinks its needed

Farlei used to heavy drink, and had horrible withdrawal affects within prison and testing

Farlei knows and used to play the violin

————————————————————————

Relations:

Z-13/Sebastian: Doesn’t quite know anything of him, but knows of his existence within Blacksite—is just too afraid to venture out and find him

|

If Farlei did know Sebastian, the two would get along somewhat—Sebastian seeing Farlei’s files and knowing to keep his distance, and which Farlei just doesn’t fully trust him

|

Angler: Hates them all—as they’re all loud, and dislikes their scents

|

Eyefestation: Dislikes them, due to the things they ‘say’—Farlei thinks its ‘gaslighting’ (Delusional)

|

Void masses: Sees them alot and doesn’t care much for them, but finds them funny

|

Searchlights: Is absolutely terrified of them, and won’t go anywhere near doors 80 or such

|

Squiddles: Likes them, as he thinks they’re funny—likes the more silly looking variants

|

Wall dwellers: Doesn’t mind them, but finds them a little spooky

|

Painter: Finds him agitating—as Painter has locked Farlei out of certain safe rooms multiple times

|

Good people(s): Screams at them every time he sees one, as he hated when they touch him(basically shoving him or whatever)

|

Pandemonium: Gets frustrated with it, has screamed vulgar things at it

————————————————————————

Yeah, uhh hes still a bit of a wip but the silly!!!

Can you understand my color coding??🦘🦘

[borntoocry]

life and death and summer

trigger warning: death

summary: y/n's mom passes away and ellie is there to consolidate her.

wc: 1.4K

You hate the phrase ‘gone but not forgotten.’ When you lose someone, everyone and their mother uses it to try and make you feel better about who you’ve lost. They recall all their memories with your person and laugh while you sit in front of them with bloodshot eyes and sticky tears coating your face. But the truth is, more than half of the people attending your person's funeral will forget about them after a few months–five max. They will gasp and cover their mouth when someone brings it up and say, “Oh shoot, they passed away a year ago!” While you’re still retrieving all that’s lodged in your mind about them: their voice, their clothing, what they ate, what they did on the daily. 

No one here thinks they’ll forget your mother, and it fuels your anger. It’s even worse that you’ve never even seen some of these people. Where did they come from? Who were they friends with? Surely not your mother–you knew who she was friends with because she didn’t have many to begin with. Your dad wasn’t friends with anyone, either. Unless siblings were counted as such. 

Everyone is stuffing their faces with crackers and cheese from the cheese platter. You’re full of so much grief that you didn’t dare touch anything. 

You move out of the room trying to gasp for air. Air that doesn’t consist of old lady perfume, laughter, smiles, or food. However, with each turn you find yourself faced with the same things. So you take the route outside where no one is occupying besides Ellie with a… joint in her hand? 

You brush up beside her and she turns to face you. Her hair is choppy again, meaning she’s recently cut it with her own shears. She’s never liked going to salons or barber shops despite being told there are some people who specialize in whatever she wants. 

“What are you doing out here?” you ask her, your hand slowly maneuvering into hers to steal her joint. 

She easily passes the joint into your fingers and shrugs. “I hate funerals,” she says. 

You nod. “I don’t know why I asked that,” you scoff, feeling stupid. 

She nods. “Joel,” she says. “When he died, a bunch of people came to his funeral bearing food and gifts for me. Especially stupid words like, “You’re in our prayers,” or, “He’s watching over you.” I’ve never been really religious, you know? I think he is watching over me, but not from heaven. From the sky–the clouds, the stars.” 

You nod and take a puff. You cough on this one. The entire day has been pounding its fists into you that the long and quite suffocating puff worked well. It quickly floods into your body and you instantly feel buzzed. 

Ellie takes the joint from your hand and takes an excruciating inhale. She doesn’t choke up like you did, instead beautifully exhaling like the pothead she is. You watch her continue smoking because you’re buzzed enough to not mind the crowd inside. 

“I didn’t mean to not reply to you,” you tell her, remembering the conversation you were having. 

She shakes her head and turns to you, a soft smile gracing her lips. “The silence was the answer. I know how you feel, especially on a day like this. Everyone’s having fun while you’re mourning. And you’re expected to chat, smile, eat, but you can’t even bear talking about anything, much less about your mom.” 

You lean into her more and lay your head on her shoulder. You want to cry, but to cry in front of someone else disturbs you. It’s almost revolting. 

Ellie picks up on this, because she begins caressing your face, whispering, “It’s okay, it’s okay.” 

You slowly let yourself cry. You cry so much that you have to push away from Ellie and sit on the back door steps. She follows you down and grabs your hand, rubbing circles into your skin. She even goes as far as kissing the front of your hand. You’ve never been loved the way she has done right now, and it’s not strange. It feels as though it was supposed to happen years ago. 

You and Ellie have been friends since you moved into the city. Aka 13 years ago when you were only eight years old. She lived next door and had no friends beside a toy car named ‘Merry.’ And of course her father that found her in a trashcan. He didn’t really find her in a trashcan, but she has told you that since you met, so you obey her story. 

Since you were eight and she was nine, you’ve remained in contact, knowing shifting details about one another. You may have drifted between your teenage years, but you know enough about her to consider her a close friend. 

Ellie has always been nice to you, never fussing or hating on who you surround yourself with, who you’ve dated–which has been not a single person since freshman year; which happens to be when you came out–etc. The summer before your freshman year of college, you and her hung out more than you had in 10 years. You went to her college parties, drank, smoked weed, went out to eat, found hideout spots, and more you can’t recall. It was also the time you began forming feelings for her. Nothing came of it, but you’ve been holding onto that one summer for three years. And her kissing you–not your face, or lips, but your hand–has the blistering sunny days coming back like they were only yesterday. 

However, you don’t want to keep thinking about her lips on the remainder of your skin, so you push away and gulp down more alcohol. She doesn’t stop you, just glances at you every now and then while she sips on a flask she took out of her coat pocket.

By the time half your bottle is empty, you can barely stand. It’s as if someone has taken the world and spun it like a yo-yo. You try grabbing onto the steps, a coat, maybe yourself, but you become frustrated and whine like a child. 

A chuckle alerts you and it’s like you’ve forgotten all about Ellie–which is what you never wanted to happen. You gleam up at her and allow her hands to grab onto your elbows. She slides you up and loops her arm around your waist. She disposes of your bottle and takes you around your home into her backyard. She inherited the small home after Joel passed away–something she is very proud of. 

It’s clean–her backyard. No signs of dogs, or animals, or even plants. It’s clean green grass and you feel like sinking in and lying in it, but she pulls you forward until she’s slamming you into a bed. 

“Jeezusss,” you groan, grabbing Ellie’s coat. She falls beside you and says something you can’t really focus on. You turn your head to face her and watch her mouth as she repeats her words. 

‘You need to sleep,’ she says. 

You nod. “‘Kay,” you answer and shut your eyes. “G’night.” 

And that’s all. Lights out. You say nothing more, think of anything else, dream of anything nor feel anything. You sleep in your alcoholic warmth and don’t even think about the puking you’ll want to do when you wake up. 

That is until you’re awake at… 11 at night, coughing up a lung in Ellie’s toilet. She’s rubbing circles on your back, whispering incoherent words to you. You want to shove her off, but her acts of kindness slowly seep back into your brain. By the time you finish, you fall back onto the cold tile and hug your knees, digging your head between them to shut everything out. The memory of your mother’s funeral works its way into your head just as Ellie does and to see it all happen is gruesome. 

“You alright?” Ellie asks. 

You want to glare at her, but instead you shake your head. 

She snuggles up beside your shaking body, smelling of vomit and alcohol. She kisses your temple and grabs your clean hand. She envelops your fingers with her own and sits with you as you shed more tears than you ever had. 

She doesn’t judge. She doesn’t tell you to calm down when you can barely breathe. Or when your heaving leads to you throwing up. She kisses your cheek and temple every time and goes as far as setting up a bath for you once your stomach and mind have settled. 

Your mouth says thank you but your mind cannot stop replaying the one summer three years ago. The feeling of lust or attraction seeps into your bones and you hope it isn’t friendliness she’s shedding.

[physalian]

Tackling Characters with Mental Health Issues (or, ‘Write What you Know’)

**Trigger warning for this entire post**

This is completely off the cuff and unplanned but here we go. I just read a book that POV switches between its two romantic leads. One of these leads was intended to be written with a severe case of generalized anxiety. I have confirmation from the author that it’s not an author-insert. This character was entirely based on research, not experience.

Without putting them on blast, because they really did try…. While ‘neurodivergent’ or ‘mental health disorder’ isn’t a protected class, it should still fit squarely under other topics you shouldn’t write about if you don’t experience it with a massive asterisk.

TL;DR: If you yourself aren’t part of X minority or suffer Z physical or mental disability, you should not be barred from writing characters with those traits. ***HOWEVER*** writing these characters struggling, suffering, or overcoming this given trait in a pro-cis, straight, white, neurotypical, able-bodied America is not yours to touch.

This suffering isn’t your story to profit off of, when you didn’t actually suffer any of it.

I cannot remember who said it and I am absolutely paraphrasing but for example: White authors can and should include characters of color (and I am a White author). White authors should *not* write about a character of color as their protagonist experiencing bigotry, discrimination, hate crimes, and all that hardship, at the hands of white society. It’s just not your story to tell, and all the research in the world will never give you the lived experience you need to do it justice.

Like, you can write about the concept of slavery existing in a fantasy novel. Or sci-fi. Or some Alternate Universe historical fiction. You cannot write about the American slave trade like you lived it and still suffer the ramifications of it when you didn’t, especially when it is the thesis of your entire book.

Anyone remember that awful Amazon movie, My Policeman? Based on a book written by a straight, white woman whose straight female lead took an entire narrative to whine about how she was jilted by her gay husband and his gay lover who she got arrested and institutionalized so she could keep her husband… and never told them? With the predatory 3rd love interest and the whole ‘liar revealed’ and… yeah. That one.

Unless you do the work very few authors are willing to do, with permission and encouragement and a backing from whatever minority you’re writing about and their stamp of approval that you knocked it out of the park, just don’t. Save yourself the headache.

—

As I read this book, and this entire character’s arc is about her mental health, for 100k words… why would you *want* to take on that responsibility? Why would you want to take on all that extra research, all the stress of making sure you get it right, all the costs of hiring sensitivity readers and the risk of your character falling apart with readers who do fit these traits?

Characters with mental health problems are very, very tricky to get right for one massive reason: Accurately depicting many disorders and anxieties means your character can come across as extremely unlikeable, uncompelling, confusing, and frustrating. These characters won’t make logical choices or arguments, they’re likely to self-sabotage, contradict themselves, argue in circles, and die on molehills they think are mountains. This is just what anxiety does to people in the real world. We are not always compelling protagonists, and we don’t always get happy endings.

Writing illogical characters takes a lot of practice if you yourself are not an illogical thinker and if you’re writing half a book elbow-deep in 3rd person limited, intimately trying to describe how this disorder impacts their daily life, you, my friend, have so much more work cut out for you than you anticipated.

So why?

It got very sticky very quickly when the message I took away from the book was “character A can love away character B’s anxiety” and that just… it’s just not how it works. That is a very dangerous mindset to have, for both parties involved.

Character A does not exist to “fix” Character B, nor should A exist to be B’s therapist.

Making A B’s “medicine” can encourage some dangerous codependency. Especially if they break up, B backslides and spirals, and A takes on guilt for not being there anymore, as if any of this is A’s fault.

It says that ‘curing’ anxiety just takes a little romance. Which. No. B has to love themselves, first, before they’re able to love anyone else or let anyone else love them.

It got stickier when the author accidentally wrote a trauma-induced ace who wanted to start liking sex to please her partner and not for her own peace of mind (with internalized self-hate for her anxieties around sex as if not liking it after a traumatic experience isn't completely justified), as if she wasn’t good enough with the boundaries she had. And the narrative backed it up because she was *cured* after a couple rounds in the sheets—I worked really hard on my Ace character guide to help stop people from doing this.

Had Character A accepted these boundaries B had, and these two come to a creative compromise around intimacy that B does like, it would have been so much healthier. B liked making out, just not being the 'recieving' partner, while A chose to die on a 'if we can't have the sex I want, I can't be in a romance with you' hill and it just broke my heart for B. B wasn't being picky. B was traumatized.

The worst thing you can do to your ace character is a) reinforce the idea that they’ve failed as a human because they don’t like sex and b) reinforce the idea that they “just haven’t found the right person yet” and this narrative hit both in the bullseye.

The author wasn’t trying to write an ace, I can tell, but aceness aside “good sex is the best cure to your sexual trauma” is… also, not great? If you yourself didn’t experience this? The point of all of this was clearly to attempt exposure therapy, it just got so bogged down with other problems that the nuance necessary to stick the landing was completely lost.

If this was fantasy, like Twilight, with Bella’s dangerous codependency on Edward in New Moon, mental health is not the point of that book. The author didn’t set out on a mission to provide respectful representation of depression and healthy relationship goals. It’s toxic as hell, but it also takes a backseat to the actual story and the audience who loves those books couldn’t care less about how toxic it is.

The books aren’t about Bella overcoming her depression. They’re about sparkly vampires and the dangers of… teen pregnancy?

It got even *stickier* when the character revealed she’d apparently been in therapy for a decade and a half, only for her therapist to shrug and go ‘I guess you’re stuck with it’ while her mental health issue became a physical health issue, because she should have had a crippling eating disorder that the narrative didn't at all take seriously.

Why would you want the stress of writing this?

—

I am not at all saying you can’t write anxious characters if you yourself are not anxious. But make that an ingredient of the pie and not the entire pie, yeah?

Ask yourself why you’re doing this. The fundamental argument of that book seemed to be “anxiety can be loved away” and from the very first page, it was doomed. That was the book’s thesis. The entire story hinged on the success of this depiction.

I can’t even be mad, because it wasn’t intended to be harmful, but it inadvertently reaffirmed so many dangerous and incorrect assumptions and stereotypes about mental health. Good intentions historically do not guarantee good results.

If you do not suffer from anxiety, you are still allowed to write a character who experiences it (Or OCD, specific phobias, BPD, what have you). I tip my hat to anyone willing to do all the work to get it right because those are all tall orders, but you aren’t blacklisted from these characters.

But with any minority, anyone who isn’t “cis, straight, white, male, neurotypical, and able-bodied” write a character who is also X, instead of an X stereotype, who happens to be your character.

[holly-poly]

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[overthinkingtaleblr]

My Jimmy Casket Headcanon Masterlist

I’ve seen a lot of talk about the world-renowned murderer recently, and apparently his birthday is coming up, so I figured now is as good a time as any to address this fan-favorite entity of stabbing and chaos. Jimmy Casket is an uncomplicated character in his core: he possesses people, he murders indiscriminately seemingly for fun, and he eventually goes away. He has possessed multiple people across time and space, he targets humans over animals, and he has a variety of secrets with uncertain origins that he’s dying to share. Or you’re dying for him to share them.

He is most likely something paranormal just because multiple people seem to be able to channel him, but what he is (ghost, demon, something else…) is completely up for debate. I’ll be sharing and attempting to justify my own idea, however alienating it may be… because seriously, I don’t think anyone else has ever had this take before.

What is Jimmy Casket?

Instead of opening with a history discussion, we’re opening with an identity consideration, since What Jimmy is happens to be important conceptually to understanding where he might have come from. I’ll list a bunch of options before explaining my personal headcanon. There’s lots of options to what Jimmy could be, though, and some are more paranormal or dangerous than others. This list does not imply that something is likely, but rather that it is an option based off the evidence we have about who the character is.

- Casket is a Persona

Basically saying that Jimmy Casket isn’t real, but his affects still are. He is a name that people put on when they want to do something terrible, but it is still their own will and choice to enact. It says terrible things about every person who claims to be Casket, but could compelling in its own rights. Arguably the most possible non-paranormal option, especially if we believe Casket when he claims to be world-renowned and infamous.

- Casket is His Own Living Human Person

All of those things that looked like/sounded like possessions? We’re ignoring those right now, Jimmy Casket is a completely separate living and breathing human being from everyone who he was thought to have control over. They probably just step out or run when he appears or something. Or maybe we’re using canon as a suggestion in this case, and we don’t ever need to have Casket and his flesh bags in the same room.

Long story short, this man has his own vessel and boy does he use it.

This one is only likely because trying to cut all the supernatural elements out of something that uses it as a crutch creates some rather odd concepts. Because of how he’s presented in the series, it’s nigh impossible to suggest that Jimmy Casket is 100% his own, separate, human being who has never had supernatural influence over others. Unless he does have a supernatural influence over others. Maybe he’s a witch of some kind who controls others like puppets. Maybe he’s a vampire who can see through and control his vassals.

I did actually read a fanfiction that had this concept a looong time ago, and I won’t lie, I really enjoyed the earlier chapters and still think about them. It did a lot of things differently and really leaned into the kind of horror of Casket being so destructive. Also the Acachallas were a mafia crime family and Ghost and Toast only appeared once in a flashback.

- Specifically Ghost has DID, Casket is an Alter

I try not to state my own opinions with this, but as someone who does not have DID, my understanding is that you have to be VERY careful when handling this concept for a billion incredibly fair reasons. Idek if anyone uses this… I kind of hope not ^^;

With Casket as an alter in a system, even (maybe even especially) if Casket is ultimately trying to help Ghost, it perpetuates the “evil alter” trope because Jimmy Casket is conceptually a serial killer.

Ghost is seen as more threatening because upsetting him could trigger Casket. It makes Ghost justifiably be seen as terrifying in the narrative For Having DID.

The main reason why murderer with DID is a common trope in my experience is so that even the killer doesn’t know what they’ve done, creating an extra conflict where they don’t realize they’re the culprit. Additionally, it makes the investigation harder if they get involved. This is a problematic trope similar to the ‘evil alter’ one and there are non-paranormal ways to do this without villianizing DID, including regular amnesia.

Even if Casket is ultimately good and not a serial killer, to have him kill ANYone and then have Ghost forget plays into this trope as well and suggests people with DID are in some way actively dangerous.

I’m not going to police anyone who uses Ghost and Casket to express themselves. I will say be very careful with your portrayal. You can have Ghost as a system without Casket being one of the alters in it. Additionally, if you think I got anything wrong in this explanation, lmk. Whether or not Ghost has DID is not important to the other options after this, he could or couldn’t, this one is just “Casket is apart of a/the system”.

- Ghost and Casket are a Jekyll/Hyde situation

There are two ways I could mean this, but either way it means that Casket and Ghost share a mind and not a body.

1. Jimmy Casket is the evil inside of Ghost separated from the rest of his mind and embodied in a way that changes their external appearance. The origin would have to be supernatural in order for that to happen. Think Jackson Jekyll/Holt Hyde from Monster High. Technically, this could be mistaken for a really poor portrayal of DID so I do suggest being careful with this one. Changing between the two would not be an active choice on either of their parts.

2, and the answer more common to Jekyll and Hyde, Casket is just another body and face, but that’s still Ghost’s mind in there. Ghost is using the persona of Casket to commit “evils” that he desires doing but doesn’t want the social repercussions for. This implies that he has a potion of some kind that he takes in order to trigger the change, making it a willful act.

Be careful with this one either way because even if you expressly state ‘this is not DID’, it could be seen as a poor interpretation of how DID works. (Raises hand I did this in a fic once and I’m cringing at myself as I type this.)

- Casket is Tied to “Knifey”

Jimmy Casket is an entity of some kind who possessed not Ghost, but the knife that Casket carries around. This can double up with another headcanon in this list, more likely the paranormal ones. (Casket is a human person and he’s also a knife lowkey doesn’t work—)

If Ghost was able to fully get rid of the knife forever, he would no longer deal with Casket. However, this option would also imply that something about the knife is enchanted to make Ghost desire keeping it around, or it’s physically tied to him and appears whenever he expresses emotions it can feed off of.

This also explains how other people get possessed by Casket, specifically since most of them seem to show Casket signs after being given a knife that could very easily be cursed. He may not be the only character who can do this, too.

- Casket is a Ghost who has History with the Casket Family

This one is soooo varied it’s hard to encapsulate all the possibilities. Either way, Casket is a ghost who was alive at some point, and he is possessing Ghost because they have some connection through Ghost’s bio family. Are they siblings? Is Casket his uncle? Grandfather? Father? A distant ancestor of some kind? An enemy of the Casket family? Someone who was wronged in the Casket family? I guess attempting to list all the options was unnecessary— the important part is that Casket was alive, he’s dead now, and he’s latched to Ghost.

I know multiple people who use/have used this interpretation before, so it lowkey has a special place in my heart.

- Casket is a Generational Curse

Ghost is not the first person in his family to have dealt with Jimmy Casket possessing his body before, and for all we know T.Casket was frequently possessed as well before Ghost was born. This would have been a well-known issue within the family… if there was any family left to warn Ghost. Implies everyone who has had Casket possess them is related to the Casket family, and that Ghost has been a vessel since Casket’s last host died.

Seeing as Ghost is not the first person in the family with an inclination to the supernatural, I could see Jimmy Casket being something put upon their family a long time ago for fucking around and finding out. Maybe they had an overzealous witch in the family who fucked everything up for everybody? Who knows.

This curse is likely tied to someone keeping a very very serious secret, and speaking it into the world is the only way to stop him, but they died a long time ago so Casket isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.

- Casket is a Creation of the Housekeeper

This could double-up with another option, seeing as the Housekeeper seems to be able to manipulate a lot of supernatural things, or work on its own.

I specify this one just because it requires consideration on how Casket sees his creator. Does he like the Housekeeper? Does the Housekeeper have some level of control over him? Was Casket a normal entity before being exposed to the God of Chaos? Is Casket seen as the Housekeeper’s child (Demigod of Secrets Jimmy Casket, anybody?)? CAN Casket exist without Ghost for a host? Why did Casket react so violently upon seeing the Housekeeper face-to-face?

There’s a lot of options to consider here and a lot of them can really push a story forward.

- Casket is some Creature from Folklore

Anything with an obsession for blood, stabbing, and secrets and the ability to take over or control someone’s body. I’m certain there are a lot of options, knowing how wild a lot of folklore is (Chupacabra Casket, anybody?), and technically my own headcanon falls into this option.

This is a matter of specificity, and the only reason this is distinct from the other supernatural options is because it may change how evil/intentional his actions are, and it’ll wildly change how PIE would have to handle him.

If you want Ghost to be from a specific country or have ties to a specific culture, this could help immensely in connecting him to it. It also means that you could have a WILD design for what Casket looks like and how he differs appearance-wise from Johnny Ghost. Ppl who love monster designs and mythology research could do SO much with this.

Plus, most folklore are used as legends to warn children not to do certain things. If Ghost did one of those stupid things, it creates a personal explanation to how he got possessed without throwing his family under the bus, and gives you the opportunity to make your own story as to what happened.

- Casket is a Demon

Similar to a ghost, someone in the Casket Family history screwed up and now Ghost is facing the consequences. Demons and ghosts are very different and can be handled in very different ways. Maybe Casket’s a fallen angel and still has some good in him? Maybe Casket is evil to the core and LIVES to wreak havoc and ruin Ghost’s life, relationships, and more.

I’m sure there’s someone out there who better understands demons than me, be in-universe, they are powerful and horrific with a host or not. This makes Casket one of the most active threats in the universe.

Although unlike the ghost option, Johnny Ghost could have brought this upon himself by being a stupid moron and trying to summon a demon as a child and screwing up to a dangerous degree. He would do it.

- My Headcanon : Jimmy Casket is a Unicorn

Technically the same as Folklore but more specified to being an in-universe entity, Jimmy Casket is a Unicorn— a creature from the 13th dimension best represented by Stardust Sprinkleshine. I’m not sure how much of their history is canon and what was my own thoughts, but if you touch a Floating Gun that seems to exist outside of Space-Time, one will exit from a pocket dimension and possess your mind. Touching the gun again puts them back, and most seem to choose to return.

I think that Casket is a particularly crafty unicorn who managed to figure out how to not be sourced from the floating gun, either being tied instead to his knife or to a human body. He’s possessed multiple characters long-term throughout the series, and if he’s able to burrow deep enough into someone’s mind, he could completely take over their body.

I also think he was Mothman in a video where a young Johnny Ghost is terrorized by Mothman on a Halloween Night. I think that Casket somehow lost his old host and needed to find a fresh one, grabbing the first human he could find. I don’t know if the mothman is his true form, Casket mutating an animal body, or the dying body of his old host falling apart while Casket tries to operate around rigor mortis. (Spoilers for my ask blog 🤫)

Casket is not a creature who can be reasoned with outside of secrets, fun, and violence. He can possess anybody in PIE, won’t show up on ghost sensors, and can’t be warded away with most options. I think this is the primary reason why Johnny Toast hasn’t attempted to ward him off, despite seeing how much Casket hurts Ghost. Additionally, Casket can easily possess anyone on the team, including Toast, if they get on his nerves enough.

Horrifically, as a unicorn Casket can also largely bend the logic of the world, making him hard to catch and even harder to handle.

… He may eventually be somewhat defanged if treated with humanity and compromise, but he’ll always be kind of terrifying if he gets riled up. He’s like a wild animal if zoomies meant death. I can’t imagine he’d be that helpful in an investigation though.

There we go, ten options and my personal opinion! Hope I encapsulated everyone’s idea <3

History Headcanons

This is how I personally see Casket’s story up until the general point in canon where I tend to place things, and I’m not really considering videos in this. This is what I, personally, think and it may not have any basis in canon whatsoever.

- 13th Dimension to Freedom -

Before the Unicorns entered the floating gun, they existed on their native world in the 13th Dimension. They might have even been less crazy than they tend to be in the modern day, existing mostly as creatures of magic and a type of technology unfathomable to humans. Not quite “Jimmy Casket” yet, the unicorn who would one day become our point of focus didn’t have much reason to be considered differently than other unicorns outside of just being his own “person”. Maybe he has a specific emphasis for honesty, maybe he’s more likely to turn to violence, either way he isn’t a public figure or anything. He’s just a normal guy in his own society… I think Unicorns may also somewhat be a bit of a hive mind.

Then everything changed when the “Fire Nation” attacked. In all seriousness, Prince Fang and his family have been conquering dimensions for an incredibly long time. Their approach wasn’t subtle, and the unicorns took their chance to run when they realized what was coming. Tying a doorway to an item from a dimension the dragons wouldn’t be able to reach for a long, long time and tossing it through, the unicorns basically funneled into a pocket dimension tied to the doorway to escape. However, they didn’t think too hard on where they’d end up, and the doorway ended up in a position where no one could leave for literally years, kind of driving most the inhabitants to insanity.

I don’t know if the unicorn who would become Casket just used a different exit from the others, or if he took the first chance he got to get as far away as possible. Either way, the unicorn or focus managed to get away from the trap they accidentally built themselves, but still had really nowhere to go. Managing to tether his spirit to a human host long-term and eventually a blade whenever the human didn’t work out, he was free to do whatever he wanted. Not at all socialized to human cultures, that mostly led to murder while he learned how to co-exist with a host. Having as many hosts as he did, it kind of gave him a bunch of secrets to inherit as well as he moved from person to person. I imagine that any secret Jimmy tells is one that previously belonged to someone he lived as, usually picking someone who might be known to the victim.

While in the beginning, I think he tried to be in control 100% of the time, but kept either wearing himself out or breaking his victim’s mind or body, which is why he only pops in when something interesting happens now. How long this took for him to realize would be difficult to decide, since I’m not even sure at what time Jimmy entered the world. Either way, he’s a boy with a bladed weapon and a desire to wreak havoc.

- Wild West -

I don’t know how many other hands Casket found himself between before a young Johnny Ghost, but I know the identity of one. In spite of his generally cagey nature, Casket found his host dead after an encounter with the Acachalla Gang in the Wild West, but survived solely out of luck. Either due to an interest in a knife at the campsite from one of his attackers, or latching to the first one that seemed to be susceptible, Jimmy came to possess one of the gang members as his old host passed away without anyone noticing. Craving freedom and realizing this body would live for an incredibly long time, he decided to take a bit of a different route then usual.

To the rest of his family, Kermit Acachalla developed a new and passionate interest in knives, specifically one knife. And then an increased tendency to turn to violence. Maybe if they weren’t literally a gang, they would have picked up on the red flags sooner. It wasn’t all on them to notice, though, as Kermit frequently traveled one-on-one with a close friend who Casket would sometimes possess instead, depending on what he wanted to do when they separated. One was a lot more likely to bend to his will, the other one could literally travel through time, often giving Casket the opportunity to wreak havoc on the future. Eventually, the time traveler grew wise and Casket figured that was as good a time as any to stick with Kermit long-term… and also lowkey drive the man to insanity.

Kermit the Claw became a well-known serial killer, one who eventually killed Johnny Ghost Senior in a skuffle but got mortally wounded in the process. It took Casket an uncomfortably long while to find a suitable host after living easy for almost a hundred years, and then when he thought he had one, some stupid ghost hunter tried to banish him. He wasn’t picky though, and found someone else soon after.

- Johnny Ghost -

This is why you don’t go out alone, kids. You never know when mothman will corner you in an above-ground pool and possess your face. While I don’t think Ghost was specifically targeted, I think Casket’s old host had been in the area for long enough to know that Ghost and the “ghost hunter” that attempted the banishment were living in the same house. What he did Not know was that he was also the son of the Johnny Ghost who he murdered a year or so prior, really giving Casket a goldmine of trauma to work with. Weakened from a lot of crap that happened, including the attempted banishment and possessing someone with experience in keeping someone out of his head, Casket could only really take control if Ghost was feeling enough of a heightened emotion, rather than just whenever he felt interested. He found it didn’t really stop him, though, Ghost being Incredibly passionate.

He’s basically been living easy ever since. Whether it be Johnny Toast or Peewee Ghost trying to hold him back, they’re ultimately his biggest enablers of all time. Between the hilarity of Ghost’s stress and the effort his loved ones put into cleaning Casket’s messes, he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants it. Casket was basically out 24/7 while Ghost was in college, and he’s more resting now that Ghost has graduated. He’s grown rather fond of this life. Mostly because it constantly gives him the means to leave bodies in his wake.

Relationships

Johnny Ghost

“This kid can fit SO many problems into him!”

DAMN he has issues, and Casket is obsessed. Sometimes he likes to just sit and watch Ghost fail at being a human being without any intervention whatsoever. It’s just that hard for him on his own.

Casket has a lot of control over Ghost’s memories, and he finds it funny to just eat as many of them as possible. There is no telling what Ghost does or does not have an understanding of thanks to Jimmy Casket. This is why Toast wrote the book out of the two of them.

Kind of holding Ghost’s body together Venom-style, and if Casket ever leaves Ghost will both experience a rush the of memories that Casket was suppressing and possibly an organ failure. It’s now because of this that Casket does not jump possession, even though he sometimes really, really wants to.

Johnny Toast

His first choice for someone else to possess if the opportunity presents itself, Jimmy thinks it’s hilarious that Toast seems to be under the impression that he can be in any way shape or form “held back”.

Thinks that there’s more going on with him than he makes obvious, mostly because Toast absolutely has ‘latent but incredibly strong power rests inside of me’ vibes, and Casket can tell.

Weirdly enough, he does not approve of the drug dealing.

Peewee Ghost

Jimmy found it hilarious how much effort Ghost’s father put into trying to get rid of Casket without Ghost noticing. Sometimes he’ll still poke out when Ghost visits home just to taunt him. Hard to attack him, though, the house is covered in safety wards and curses and stuff to stop Casket from getting to feisty.

As much as Peewee hates Casket, he and Ghost are a package deal, meaning Peewee will clean up any mess Casket is too lazy to take care of himself, so long as he’s willing to sit through a lecture and multiple threats.

Fred “The Spooker” Soup

Thinks that Spooker would be his favorite person on the team if he were to just go crazy go stupid. It’s why Casket will jump out and kill Spooker all the time— he’s kind of hoping the guy is going to snap and try to get Casket back some day.

It hasn’t worked yet, but come on, how much longer can the guy have before his patience wears thin?

I think Spooker x Casket is a viable crackship bc i find it funny. Maybe not if the Casket is as murder-motivated as mind, but I could see it happening otherwise!

Chris “Colon” Ghostie

Colon hates that the team harbors Casket from justice, Casket thinks Colon’s righteous indignation is hilarious.

Casket will sometimes admit to cold cases that he might not have even done just to get Colon upset with him for getting away with it. Colon is the most invested in looking for a way to banish Casket for good.

Katrina

“The power of love failed you? Better Luck Next Time!”

His first victim after possessing Ghost that didn’t happen to be an animal or something like that. He was kind of hoping it would be enough to emotionally destroy Ghost, but found that others in her family took the loss a lot worse.

If she survived, it would have been a good lesson not to trust everyone who claimed to be your friend when you knew he was hosting some kind of evil spirit. She was a little too optimistic for her own good.

Johnny “Roast”

Jimmy genuinely considered switching from Ghost to Roast, feeling like Roast had a bit more of an underlying violence to him.

After seeing how poorly he took his sister’s death, and how much misdirected anger he lashed out with, Casket decided it would probably be more rewarding to watch this kid spiral on his own. At this rate, there was no way he was going to develop “Healthy Coping Mechanisms” or whatever that means.

If given the opportunity/if something ever happens to PIE, Roast will absolutely be his first pick for a new host.

Gavin Toast

“What do you MEAN there are two of them?”

Since Casket possessed Ghost after Toast moved back to the UK, Casket didn’t meet Gavin for a loooong time, and their meeting what a very confusing experience for specifically Casket.

Gavin is, weirdly enough, a little bit too normal for Casket. Casket can also tell that out of everyone, he’s the most likely to get Ghost arrested so that Casket faces justice. Mostly because every vengeful spirit will bombard Gavin any time the two are near each other, begging for retribution and Gavin does not think Ghost’s freedom is worth it.

Plus, Ghost has means to get out, he’ll be fine.

Johnny Cranky

“I dunno what your deal is, but you had me at joining a team named DIE.”

Exactly what it says on the tin, Jimmy is ready and willing to be apart of Cranky’s weird club so long as it means he gets to do some stabbing.

He doesn’t really consider Cranky to be anything other than a conduit for murder, he’s barely even a person to Casket. Casket frequently ignores him, talks over him, walks out of the room mid-conversation, and other things that really show that he does not care about Cranky’s existence.

Cranky only puts up with it because he thinks Casket is too dumb to realize he’s being rude. He’s not.

Cardboard Friend

“Back off! You already gave up on this one, it’s my turn!”

No matter what CBF is, no one ever said that Jimmy Casket had the common sense not to pick fights with demons or vassals of gods...

CBF, whether good or bad, is emotionally distressing for Ghost. While Casket appreciates the easy exit into the world, he does NOT want CBF to be near him. Either because CBF is a threat to the body (that Casket lives in) or CBF loves Ghost and is a threat to Casket, they do not get along at all.

Trivia

I do think he met T.Casket at some point, but I think they got out alive mostly out of dumb luck, and Casket still hasn’t realized that he’s the same person as Ghost’s dad yet. He probably knows a secret or two about the guy.

Jimmy is probably afraid of old people because he finds old age to be one of the most disastrous things to experience. He wants to be able to move around as much as possible, and an ailing body is probably an uncomfortable one to be in if you have the chance to move between them.

Could also be memento mori, a reminder of death would be uncomfortable to a being that is just barely not immortal.

Going by a bunch of other names throughout the time he’s had on the world, the name Jimmy Casket mostly came to spite Ghost’s family. Feeling bad about Ghost knowing so little about himself, his dad (Peewee) tried explaining his bio family and the CBF incident to him, and at the time Ghost understood and though he needed time to process it, he didn’t take the news horribly. Casket basically ate the memory of that conversation and took the family name specifically to mock Peewee’s efforts.

Jimmy taunted Toast about killing his wife once and got shot to death for his efforts. Jimmy considers this his most rewarding interaction with Johnny Toast of all time and doesn’t bring up Mary just to not spoil the memory of that interaction.

CBF and Jimmy might’ve met before Jimmy could possess Ghost but after Gregory ran away. Jimmy probably attacked it at the time, and it was likely in a weakened state, which is why it’s genuinely kind of afraid of him, even if its more powerful than he is.

Started a diary and wrote in it whenever Ghost stumbled upon it just SPECIFICALLY to scare Toast when he eventually stumbled upon it.

Would absolutely spill the secret about the Destroyers of the Investigators Extraordinaire existing and Spooker being offered a membership roll if he thought it would tear PIE apart.

Has had rabies before.

Bites.

[koffing-time]

I will gladly interact with you! Send an ask! @ me! I would love to RP with you. I will do an (IC) promo if you ask (assuming i'm popular enough for that lmao)!

Hello Hello ~

My name is Tix (they/them, occasionally it/its), and welcome to my rotomblr blog! I'm 23, I'm from Unova and i have a small café on Route 3 right outside Striaton City. If you don't find it, just look for the Daycare on the hill, walk up that hill and look for the building at the foot of the hill! And now come in and get a cupcake, you earned it!

Don't be alarmed by the poison types around here! Most of them are registered to me and are completely harmless unless you touch them. They are also friendly, so if you wanna pet them, ask me! I'll gladly provide handling advice.

I also have an employee, Olivia. I might occasionally mention him. Maybe she'll also make a few post here and there.

There is also Brandy, my Rotom. Let's hope they can behave!

As for my Pokémon, there are a few! [Complete list of Pokémon including retcons at the end in the ooc section]

My Koffing, Coffee! The shop's named after him! Look at his FABULOUS moustache!

Bienenstich the Scolipede, she's very good with kids. If you need someone to look after your toddler, she's the gal! (i am so not kidding)

Cream the Haunter. No, your drink isn't haunted, she just helps me out a bit.

Muffin the Roselia, he's the primary gardener. I would do more around there but he doesn't let me.

Poppy the Toxicroak, he's a cool guy. He also makes music with me.

Basil the Toxtricity. Best bassist i've ever met (sorry Roxie).

Carrot Cake the Clodsire. He doesn't do much, but that's okay.

Rhubarb the Ekans. Little rascal. Don't trip over him.

Eggplant the Skorupi. He's new, still getting to know him myself!

Soup the Grimer is also quite new. I hatched him from a strange egg.

Also here's three pics of me. (//i forgor what the picrew were. if anyone knows, let me know)

//Pelipper Mail is on

//I will draw your OCs badly

OOC below the cut:

// Hi, hello. I run this blog as a side blog, so I'll like and follow from my main @fire-water-grass-core. If you need to address me (the player/mun), I'm okay with any pronouns, and if you need a name you can call me Kama, Nox or Cheese. I also run:

@zekrom-sword where i explore some darker themes (ig?) regarding pokémon hunting. This blog is less focused on blogging though and goes more into headcanon/fanfic territory. I'm happy to RP with Felix (muse over there) though!

@fire-water-grass-core is the main, as mentioned. Originally it was planned for that one to be a personal blog for Olivia, Tix' employee, but i didn't really get into it. I mostly use it for OOC stuff regarding rotomblr ig?

@kamataros is my general, non-pkmn-irl blog. idk what you would want there? but feel free to check it out. I post a lot of shit and a lot of it is untagged.

NOW for the rules ig?

ZERO: don't be a dick. easy, right? right. This is the important part :)

First: blanket #unreality warning. I will tag posts usually as pokemon irl, #pkmn irl or #pokeblogging. The actual unreality tag is reserved that genuinely blends reality and fiction (such as talking about animals in the context of the pokemon world.)

Second: i went on a BIG hiatus for like 6 months. I've retconned a few things, but i didn't want to actually go through the blog and delete stuff. Instead, i tagged all old posts as #Koffing-Time-1.0. Everything with this tag is not neccesarily canon anymore. case-to-case basis i guess.

Third: If anything comes up, I'll try to put a warning tag. I'll keep it to one format: #cw [trigger]. I will probably still use them sparingly, since i'm personally okay with most things. Please tell me if i should tag something.

Fourth: I won't participate in high stakes a lot and probably never in ultra stakes. Everything will be appropriately tagged #high stakes pokereality on the off chance that i do join. I don't think i will be getting into details like "low stakes" and "medium stakes" for tagging.

Fifth: Regarding sentient/sapient pokémon: they are allowed. I might ignore them if i ever do any story-arcs or so, but go ahead! (this was different for 1.0)

Sixth: Ask games will be tagged with #ask game. Once i reblog them, they are open indefinitely, including old ones from #Koffing-Time-1.0. The tag will be for the initial meme only, not the answers to make it possible to find them. Generally, please put the question for the meme into your ask, especially if it's an older ask game. (Feel free to ask Brandy or Olivia as well, but if not specified it will be Tix answering)

Seventh: DMs are an OOC zone :)

OTHER TAGS:

I'm trying to use a funny tagging system for blogs i "frequently" interact with (as in.. i am not chronically on tumblr so "frequently" is a bit much to say)

Out of Character posts will be tagged with #ooc . This goes only for posts where a significant portion is ooc.

Out of Character answers to asks will be tagged #cheesy answers

Out of Character notes will be marked as // or //ooc (including tags)

I might reblog art or even posts that tix isn't involved in. these will be tagged #//reblog

Posts involving details about certain headcanons will be tagged #headcanon

Image descriptions or Video description will be in [brackets] .

Also here is a (not complete) list of a few headcanons that i use.

I'll update and edit this post as well as reblog it if something changes.

Lastly

I, Cheese, Mun will use pink coloured text in addition to the //

Tix will be writing/talking in colourless text

Olivia will be writing/talking in blue text

Brandy will be writing/talking in red text

otherwise, i won't use much colours in posts. this intro blog stuff will be the exception to make it easier to read (i hope)

That being said: feel free to interact, feel free to send a DM, feel free to send asks, I'm happy to do offscreen posts and RP and whatnot, I won't bite and i won't poison you. Probably.

PS: little thing about reblog chains (i guess?)

Now, that was a long one. If you read it all, congratulations, have a cookie. Or a coffee. And most importantly: have fun!

PPS: Here's a list of Tix'Pokémon:

Coffee the Koffing

Muffin the Roselia

Bienenstich the Scolipede

Cream the Haunter

Poppy the Toxicroak

Basil the Toxtricity

Cracker the Murkrow (retconned) [it hurt me to do this but there are so many already] (never fucking mind i love them too much i can't delete them)

Cheese the (shiny) Crobat (retconned) [it hurt me to do this but there are so many already] (never fucking mind i love them too much i can't delete them)

Rhubarb the Ekans

Chocco the Salandit (retconned)

Carrot Cake the Clodsire

Pumpkin the Bellsprout (retconned)

Loaf the Trubbish (retconned)

Yoghurt the Yveltal (retconned)

Bun the (ultra domesticated) Trubbish (retconned)

Roll the (ultra domesticated) Tubbish (retconned)

Appleslice the (ultra domesticated) Mareanie (reconned)

Bacon the (ultra domesticated) Mareanie (retconned)

Lettuce the (ultra domesticated) Mareanie (retconned)

Tomato the (ultra domesticated) Mareanie (retconned)

Caramel the Beedrill (retconned)

Tofu the Sliggoo (retconned)

Annie Stonefruit the (albino) Cranidos (retconned)

Jack the Pumpkaboo (retconned)

Brandy the Rotom

Eggplant the Skorupi

Leonard the bed-sized Clodsire Plush

Soup the Baby-Grimer

If all of Tix team appear in a post (i doubt) it'll be tagged with #tix band

Also a list of Olivias Pokémon

Hans the Lotad

Grill the Darmanitan

Marbles the Alolan Exeggutor (tagged with just #marbles the exeggutor )

The Kalosian the Escavalier (tagged with just #kalosian the escavalier)

Beach Ball the Gible

Gregor the Gimmighoul

If all of Olivias Team appear in a post, it'll be tagged #olivias gang

[thesugarhole]

Barring obvious potential triggers, would you recommend Human Centipede? Like just as a movie to watch? (I have never seen it)

table of contents: do i recommend it? / triggers / my opinion / red flags analysis (for funsies)

warnings for: possible spoilers out of context, unsanitary/surgical discussions, long post

do i recommend it?

alright so, before i begin i wanna say im not the type to have definitive answers to recommend / dont recommend unless its something i Extremely Liked (darkest dungeon for example). so i would recommend it in a " idk tbh lol" way. so this is all my personal, unrevised by Movie / Horror Professionals, opinions, take with a grain of salt and whatnot. im also trying to write this as objectively as possible so at worst its out of context spoilers, in case you or anyone else decide to see it.

triggers

im not sure what 'potential obvious triggers' would be in this case. i mean that sincerely this time, since im always poking fun at dnis etc and i dont want to come across as sarcastic or anything! i think it suffers from the saw/texas chainsaw effect where the first movie is very tame but people over represent its contents to the point where it gains a, imo unjust, reputation as viscerally disgusting and unwatchable. tangentially, in both saw and human centipedes case, its a self fulfilling prophecy of sorts because the sequels DO end up fitting the mold of these warnings. i know that tcm 2 is more of a comedy/horror, and then theres like 6 alternate universes just to retell the story, that i dont think quite fit the "warnings actual fit the sequels" curse, but still i felt like mentioning it, and this is because these type of movies play a lot, a LOT on how fertile your imagination is. texas chainsaw massacre (1974), saw (2004) and human centipede (2009) show very little gore, but the implications of whats going on and how it would traumatize someone physically, mentally and emotionally when you think about them later is what carries the legacy, imo. maybe human centipede got a bigger punishment in fake negative hype because on top of the central body horror theme, it also adds scat and torture.

so in terms of triggers, gore wise it would be: some blood, some cutting (surgically and self harm), and an EEK! situation of a character running away and the catheter pulling on their arm, ripping vertically across. These are maybe a 2 second scene at its longest, as the camera doesnt linger on them. a shoot out near the end as well, filling a pool with blood. there is a photo of 3 dogs lined up in front of each other meant to imply they were a doggy centipede as well, but out of context its just. dogs calmly sniffing the front ones butt lol. no animal cruelty and/or death on screen that i can remember. there is harassment, there is kidnapping, there is drugging, there is murder, there is racism, there is explaining of a surgical procedure and there is treating the resulting centipede as a pet from a cruel and abusive owner (mainly beatings, i think most also off screen). most of the surgery affected areas are covered in bandages the entire movie, exception being the glasglow smile practical effects, of which are put to use once to display infection. add squeezing some pus to the list, i know some people are Very grossed out by it.

i think thats the bulk of what is portrayed that might put people on edge the most, and anything else might be escaping into more abstract fears -like clowns for example-; no clowns in the movie but its not something youre supposed to be afraid of is what i mean. as i said before, the big threat of the movie is that it gets your imagination going on both the horrors people are capable of (unsurprisingly, doctor heiter was in part inspired by josef mengele, even sharing the first name) and what it would be like to find oneself part of the centipede. for example, you dont actually see in detail one shitting into each others mouth and the other swallowing, just all actors squirming and crying in unease as the doctor realizes its happening and cheers it on. Extra note: 2/3 of the centipede is almost always crying. Its apt that they do obviously, but quite uncomfortable to listen to for extended periods of time. And you will, if you watch the movie.

(wikipedia backing me up on this, its the >Implying thats the real terrifier here)

i dont remember where i read this but i would like to bring to attention the tenacity and endurance of the three actors that played the centipede, as it was said that some other actors that got the role soon gave up upon finding out theyd have to have their face so close to someone elses ass, and vice versa. its all practical effects and THERE IS a small, obvious distance between the elements, like theyre not straight up tossing the salad in there, but still. rough position if youre not shooting a strange sex scene. finally, and i know all you never-seen-human-centipede enjoyers have been waiting for this one: no sexual violence of any kind. really! I was surprised as well, since these types of topics also love to pull on rape and whatnot, but the first movie is fully lacking in those types of themes. The sequels have them. Whether its unfortunate or not I wouldnt know, as I don’t intend on watching them, but more on that later (%).

my opinion

i was about 15 when i finally decided to watch it and i gotta say, i was disappointed because i had braced myself for the worst, didnt quite receive it, and was left with a lot of tension. like honest to god, the way people describe this as almost a snuff film when its just. a boring movie. it was a bit insulting to me back then lmao. i also didnt watch it with subtitles, as its marketed to an english audience; back then id argue about the guy not really needing to speak in english all the time since hes in his homeland but, while the doctor doesnt care for them as humans, he cared for them as pets, so it makes Some sense to have at least 2/3 of the centipede understand what hes saying. however with the amount of non english dialogue in it its safer to consider it a straight trilingual between german, japanese and english. if you do watch it TRY to find subtitles for ALL THREE. dieter laser (the actor that played the doctor) mumbles a good amount and it can be hard to perceive. anyway that was my opinion then and it stayed like that for a bit: 'boring movie everyone exaggerates'. it shifted positively when i decided to hear dead meats podcast on it, aka chelsea vehemently defending it with a :grimace: james accompanying her. when the red flags song first came out i thought it was extra hilarious because in some way this probably paralleled when she first told him "human centipede, not ironically" (iirc her favorite horror movie is american psycho but I don’t care enough about them to have this memorized) i havent rewatched what was said in the podcast before writing all this because i didnt want my own thoughts to be re-influenced just yet; still, it will be linked at the end regardless, since it changed my viewpoint on it when they dropped it. at this time, my opinion was "it wasnt that good, but it wasnt that bad either… was it?"

so i re watched it maybe a week after getting this ask (editors note: due to personal tragedies it has since been two more weeks) just for you! and i uhhh. ended up liking it a lot more this time around, now that i also know a little bit more about movie making. unfortunately, i made the damn fucking mistake of watching it with no subtitles again sdajhdfk. it feels strange that i understood the japanese better than the german this time around. german, on a technicality has more similar words to my native, BUT, being a fan of j music for as long as i have, and the japanese dialogue being very simple stuff like 'i have to shit' 'whats going on' 'fuck you' I occasionally grasped some dialogue teehee. i didnt understand enough to make a difference really, but still felt like pointing it out. also, despite not having seen it with subs both times, i remember back then looking it up later what was said so i +- know the context of each scene, the one I remember less being the conversation between the detectives and the doctor. still, its something i have to rectify eventually, even if i just find clips of the non english scenes and watch them.

i think i found it boring back then because its a slow movie, with just one story going on the entire time. they take some time to introduce you to the american tourists, but im not sure it makes a difference in establishing emotional connection since they suck ass (sorry) for most of the time theyre not a centipede. definitely not enough for someone to want to see them get punished like that either, but ehh. Its a 'i got no dogs in this race' situation, unless youre a stan of the doctor (which ive since learned a lot of people are (source: bort); its not my type of character is all.

im not sure how to best explain this but theres a lot of cinematic shots. if youre someone who likes movies as works of art, or understands and analyzes the meaning of the slow scenes, angles, whats being shown etc i think this movie is worth the watch, for sure. i think the sound design is also phenomenal; music is used to a bare minimum, and tense/action scenes dont get as much of a noise as you come to expect, exacerbating their vibes by like 200%. its straight up just silence sometimes, as you would expect if that was happening irl, its great. for the imagined horror i mean. its also great for the cinematography i think. Theres a scene that stood out to me of one of the members running, hiding from and then yelling at the doctor, that stood out to me by having most of it be ambient noise only.

That said, there are some critiques to be had, mainly on the creation aspect. The doctor had an accomplished career, so youd think the procedure would be more thought out than just “german doctor sews three people ass to mouth (cool!)”.

Ill try not to enter too much of spoiler territory here, but just in case if you watch it skip this LIST then come back idk:

its an intense cut and suture process of different materials between randomly selected people with no knowledge of their medical history, so its already a recipe for things to go wrong. The doctor seemed little worried about missing people being investigated, so he could have definitely looked a bit more into them before jumping right to the surgery, the movies pace would have certainly allowed it.

The surgery itself is implied to have been a day, and the recovery maybe two? Before he forces them on their knees and starts moving them about. I highly doubt the cut on their knees would permit this without at least a month of recovery. And a month is being generous. Youre not given a strict spongebob ‘a few moments later’ screen though, so while it could be argued ‘who knows how long actually passed!’ the nature of the surgery simply doesn’t allow it. Additionally, part of the process implies removing teeth, which immediately tells you this should be something phased. Like I dunno, im not a doctor but immediately connecting bleeding gums to a fecal exit doesn’t sound like a solid plan. Maybe he cauterized them? Youre not shown these things.

Ignoring the obvious -people cannot survive on just eating poop*- the removal of teeth makes sense on the sewing, since theres minimal chance to move the jaw on those conditions. It makes no sense anywhere else: if you cant chew it, you risk choking on it. other factors like coughing or vomiting have also not been accounted for.

there is never a single mention of urine in this process, which I found strange after the fact because if its left untouched, any female parts would just be painting the following sequence yellow, but theres also the fact that humans cant survive without water. It would be immensely punitive to figure out the surgery to include this, especially with urethra placements being different on male/female, but maybe worth it for the surgeon in-lore acclaims of fame if they could figure it out. Within the plot, the doctor would have certainly had the time anyway.

*i noticed next to their cage that they have an iv drop, which I think is meant to imply that the doctor wouldnt be THAT stupid and is giving the back parts the necessary nutrients to stay alive until inevitable eat-only-shit complications arise.

A lesser critique that if acknowledged would result in “but then we wouldnt have a movie would we?”, therefore not that relevant, is that katsuro should have double tapped. If you consider the neck bite a double tap, a triple tap then. Quadruple tap even like fuck man id be in there stabbing until I had human soup lmao

all that said, its a good movie. Not a bad movie by miles, but not a tour de force either. But I will say, if youre not watching it for the human centipede itself- how it came to be, how to create it, how it works, how it succeeds, how it survives, how it fails, how it ends- youre not getting anything out of the movie. Again, there is no b plot to it, no secret twist. It might be worth analyzing its movie quality (not just plot but also camera shots, characters, scenery, effects, etc) on top of that, but you have to be aware thats all there is.

(%) More on that now: I did not watch the sequels, but I don’t intend to and from the summary alone wouldnt recommend it. I already saw the human centipede once, there is little innovation that can be done here (sewing even more people to it is barely innovating in my eyes, its just stupider). Theres the added bonus/punishment of having all the sexual/gross out/possible graphical gore? schlock people warn about the first one, which would be something id be interested as a teen, not so much now. Even thinking about watching them feels like a drag, id rather do something else.

Red flags analysis:

now for something fun, since I know I got this ask because I kept talking about it lol

"the best movie of all, a masterpiece of art": we shouldnt be getting into the debate of the best movie of all right now. a masterpiece is debatable, as the movie itself is not that far removed from the art form that it shouldnt be at least considered.

“I think im gonna get murdered tonight”: youre not.

“the costume design was a highlight”: I mean, I guess? Its average clothes for the average person for the year it was shot in. the glasgow smile suture effects and the doctors lab coats (along with the fucking. aviators glasses) deserve a positive mention as they feel iconic of the movie… so yea you know what no ‘I guess’. I no longer guess. I agree.

“I like it for the plot (...) german doctor sews three people ass to mouth”: this is part of plot, not The plot. Its the catch of the movie that makes you curious about it, but I feel like the movie focuses more on the “ok, how? and then what?” to that summary than it does on the man sewing the people itself.

“please god save me”: coward.

“I think thats a red flag”: maybe.

“I don’t want to get stabbed”: you wont.

“human centipede is a tour de force”: already gave my thoughts on it, but respectfully disagree.

“im gonna be the main course”: 🤔...

“I admire the narrative of character growth”: see, this line here makes me think tom cardy/montaigne havent actually seen the movie (or if they have, dismissed it for the sake of having a good song which is absolutely fine by me, don’t get this analysis wrong). I will disclaimer that, for the doctor, it might be hidden in the german discussion with him and the detectives (but given the body language I doubt hes grown/learned anything from it) and in that case yea I missed it, but outside the centipede working together whenever possible to escape and the front going on a speech about “this happened to me because I was a bad person” theres absolutely no character growth. Its an experience they all go through and cannot recover from, much less grow from it.

Opposite of this, id like to think galoogamelady (the animator) has seen the movie, as getting reference shots of the indoor pool/wall tiles as well as dieter lasers face (to a lesser extent; write his name, he shows up) can be tricky with just google images and random ass youtube clips. I especially like that the eyebrows came out the exact same as how he had them in the movie, lol

“is this because your date is a freak” not necessarily the case (and the crowd goes ‘shes not gonna fuck you, tumblr user thesugarhole’ djkhgfhdsghskjd)

“only if the wedding is themed (…) human centipede” I wouldnt let my wedding be human centipede themed not gonna lie. Its gonna be saw themed. get in da bathroom lmao

“that way we can save on the catering bill” the implication here being all your guests get human centipeded, all your money is going to the surgery tools and prep.

“only one mouth to feed” of course, in cutting corners you could just shove some sort of weird tube between ass and mouth…

“I can finally sew a mouth to a butt” hate it when hes right about the red flag 🙄 sad! Oh well there will be other women with red hair that will defend human centipedes honor (cough) ⬇️

(^ as I said previously I didn’t rewatch this so my current opinion couldn’t get influenced by it, so I don’t remember what she said. Might rewatch after posting)

Pucker up!

[ask-thedepressedkidatthetable]

FACTS ABOUT YOUR MUSE !!

A short collection of basic info of your muse to present them on your blog. REPOST, don't REBLOG.

TAGGED BY: @heartxshaped-bruises TAGGING: @fourcriminals @fangsandmagic @seolinah @tyliocellier @eeliabwrites @godstrayed and anyone else who wants to!

▬ι══════ﺤ Sylwia Wrona

COMMON MISCONCEPTIONS

I suppose the main one I've encountered is that Sylwia is a "bitch" rather than a shrewd muse of extremes. Something along the lines of expecting a similar reaction to other muns / muses to a given situation and being surprised when Sylwia is unsympathetic to more of the same. Online, all the same trends cycle over time, and society is steadily getting worse . . . She'll feel differently when she sees something different.

AN IMPORTANT HEADCANON

I try to strike a balance in my writing, but keep in mind when your muses are interacting with Sylwia that she had a STRONG addiction to her phone. It's the one habit she absolutely cannot kick, so unless your muse has dragged Sylwia outside and just so happens to be holding onto her phone, the likelihood that she's looking at a screen while talking to you is high! And I promise she's paying attention, and she is engaged! Mostly. She's just . . . also scrolling. And doing upkeep on her forums. And looking up random shit. She'll show you a meme every now and then!

A USELESS HEADCANON

With some possible exceptions in the animated world, Sylwia absolutely despises sitcoms. Humanity it bad enough, must the downtime entertainment be filled with all of its worst aspects? Cruelty, stupidity, empty romantic plots and just most of the characters being annoying! At least with cartoons they don't look real. Even there, small doses is a key phrase.

POTENTIAL TRIGGERS

Depression, suicide, dissociation, self harm, social anxiety, insecurity, manipulation / possessiveness, death, and some neglect growing up. I would also note that while she can be attracted to anyone, her circumstances growing up were rather conservative so she is rather cautious on that front.

SOMETHING YOU ENJOY ABOUT (WRITING) THEM

God, I love writing Sylwia when she's in love. She's so sweet and sentimental and vulnerable in ways she would never credit herself with. I think she'll always blame herself for Dominik, and she'll probably always think that the world wasn't made for love, but that doesn't mean she doesn't hold so much of it in her heart. It's truly a pleasure.

SOMETHING YOU WANT OTHERS TO KNOW BEFORE WRITING WITH THEM

She's going to tell your muse to leave, time and time again. It's nothing personal most of the time, she just gets overwhelmed with social interaction and deals with it the only way she knows how.

▬ι══════ﺤ Absinthe Moon

COMMON MISCONCEPTIONS

Absinthe can fall in love so to speak. This one surprised me as well. That being said, any such relationships will rely on distance, mutual toxicity, and sex. Marriage and that whole apple pie thing is completely out of the cards, because as soon as it gets serious, Absinthe goes on guard- and the second there's a fight and things get emotional Absinthe will cut your muse out and there will be no return. Haven't found a work-around for that. Absinthe cuts out from all threads and it's . . . something. And for all of Absinthe's academic / professional pursuits, they actually have quite a bit of downtime in their life. Naps, staring at walls, whatever 'nothing' catches their fancy. Humans aren't meant to run at 110% all the time, and moreover, they don't want to.

AN IMPORTANT HEADCANON

While Absinthe is a very violent person personally, with no desire to change that, they are very receptive to pacifism. There's a catch though- Because Absinthe's read it all, Ghandi, King, the Quakers and the Shakers- and if you aren't doing pacifism properly, if you're just using it as an excuse to act like an asshole without getting consequences, then there will be hell to pay. If pacifism is truly your thing though, and you are trying your kindest and hardest in the world, more power to you! (No one will hurt you, not for the short time they're around. It's not their path, but why not chase utopia?)

A USELESS HEADCANON

Probably useless in the sense that I haven't gotten much of a chance to explore this side to them, but the vast amount of time an resources they've put into soaps, beauty products, and sewing! Work is a practical matter and unfortunately, can end out with a very masculine presentation, but I imagine in their daily life they put a huge amount of effort into androgyny. In being very visibly nonbinary and queer! It's a huge part of who they are.

POTENTIAL TRIGGERS

Violence, murder, weapons, crimes, drugs and so on.

SOMETHING YOU ENJOY ABOUT (WRITING) THEM

I absolutely adore writing their intellectual side. They're extremely intellectual, experienced, and in this stage of their life, the narrative demands success. It's fun to pit against others and a huge learning curve personally depending on where the thread is going!

SOMETHING YOU WANT OTHERS TO KNOW BEFORE WRITING WITH THEM

Absinthe is one of my favorites around here, but the build-up and appeal takes a long time to come through. They're a rather guarded character who operates under a general code of, 'Don't talk to anyone' to avoid trouble. So even if their character doesn't appeal to you in the moment, please, stick around. Wait for the day when it all clicks! because that's been my experience before and I happen to think it's worth the wait!

[randomnameless]

(voice line anon) Sothis says this when engaging Seteth in battle: "The Hammer of Judgment, hm? I see that time has not been kind to you." And this when she defeats him: "I see the weariness within. Too weak to lift your hammer now?" Her unique praise line for him is also interesting: "Do not deny your age and strength! Embrace your might!"

:')

Voice Line Anon (unless you want to be called something else?), you're saving me much trouble!!! Thank you!

Here goes!

my useless comments under the cut

I love how Seteth'n'Flayn have lines with random knights of Seiros lol

Seteth tries to train/tutor Catherine while they fight/train, but it's funny because Rhea doesn't and they just enjoy a good sparring (is it bcs Rhea's actually similar to Catherine and Seiros the Warrior used to Leeroy Jenkins her way when she was younger during the WoH?).

Is he joking here or sounding serious?

But he always has compliments for the random knights and a special one for Catherine, that's so wholesome, Seteth really tries to mentor/help the people from the KoS/CoS!

(Support Unit) Rhea - "Like this, Lady Rhea. Ha!"

omg Flayn - she's s trying to show the example to Rhea it's so cute

(Active Unit) Flayn - "Understood. Ha!"

And Rhea plays along 🥺 "Alone B4 U since Zanado + had no one with who i could be rhea" my ass

Cyril - "Do not hold back because I am your opponent, Cyril."

Cyril - "Are you hurt, Cyril? It is alright, you can tell me."

Flayn having a friendly exchange with her totally not-cousin 🥺

Knight of Seiros - "You know, in some tales the princesses defeat the knights."

What is a random KoS supposed to reply to this?

Rhea - "I have never seen anyone fight as elegantly as you, Lady Rhea!" 1,000 Enemies Defeated - "I know violence is not your way, but your strength is unparalleled, Lady Rhea."

But I thought Rhea had a hair trigger temper, of course violence is her way???

Catherine - "You are simply radiant, Catherine! I truly admire you."

You can't tell me Catherine isn't a member of their family at this point, Flayn looks up to Rhea, she looks up to Catherine and somehow, is proud to be Seteth's "sister"!

Jeralt - "I am certain that she would lament you and I crossing swords."

You don't say Rhea, but Sitri lamenting over Jerry's stupid actions would imply calling him out on his shitty general behaviour, and the Fodlan verse isn't ready for that.

Seteth - "We have not sparred in quite some time, Seteth." Seteth - "This reminds me of our friendly bouts in days long passed."

"Remember how I kicked your ass back then ?" "I let you win else you'd cry" "I totally and legit won every duel we had"

Cyril - "You have grown much, Cyril. You may even surpass me before long." / Cyril - "You are doing so well, Cyril. Your bravery is worthy of praise."

She encourages him it's so fucking cute 🥺

It's funny how she has a line for everyone, commenting on the fight or their growth, and then there's this :

Edelgard - "Wilhelm. If only you were alive today." Edelgard - "You bear such a resemblance to him.. It breaks my heart that I must defeat you."

With Supreme Leader she goes "WILLY :'("

-> no words about Supreme Leader's performance, or why they are fighting, or anything else, she's just a reminder that Willy's gone lol she even praises personally dimitri, but Supreme Leader? Nope

1,000 Enemies Defeated (same quote for Seteth) "We must strive to build a world where you need not dirty your hands in such a way."

It's interesting! Is Rhea Implying she's willing to dirty her hands to make a better world, but regrets having to involve those two?

Catherine - "Absolutely masterful, Catherine. It is a great comfort to have you with me." 1,000 Enemies Defeated - "Nothing is more reassuring than having you at my side."

Catherine is here to provide comfort and to be at her side, just another day for a Faerghus knight and her liege. Faerghus Chivalry at its finest here rhea abandoned Adrestian values to adopt the Faerghian ones? Or didn't download the Adrestian update since willy's passing?

Yep, I've seen on how you commented about Rhea'n'Sothis's VAs being different lol, but that's the lolcalisation for you/us hahaha. Is Rhea pausing after the "Wilhelm" in the line where she wishes he was alive? In PK we have suspension dots, but it could be similar to her FE16 line, her pause was longer in the jp version than in the lolcalised one (as was her tone but this is beating an undead horse now) but yeah, bar the ultimate WTF blunder between Flayn and Sothis, the lines seem to be similar!

(seem to because Sothis's lines sound way harsher in the loc version, and that's without having the VA delivery!)

...

If it's not too much to ask, are Cyril's lines also available?

[yokitoshi]

i have actually been single for over 5 years now wowzers but tbh its not really much of a surprise considering what i have went through during those 5 years

yup thats right heres a personal post

please check the tags before reading and if anything in the tags triggers you please do not read as it is not my intention of triggering anyone but i am posting it for me, and if none of the tags trigger you feel free to read

it honestly feels like i went through several lifetimes since 2019, i was pretty active on here from 2016-2019 for me it was an addiction for me i said i was gonna quit many times but couldn’t because of how often i was on here despite it being toxic for me.

but what exactly got me to quit, well i started when i got a new job, its not a bad job or anything but it was a full time job and it took me 90 minutes to go to work and another 90 minutes to go back home and i worked from 3:30 pm until 11:30 pm and i would get home at around 1:15 am

about 3 weeks later my girlfriend at the time broke up with me, and tbh it started a downhill spiral for me, i have been depressed for a long time, believe it or not i got diagnosed with depression when i was 10 but tbh i showed symptoms of depression at 7/8 but im not gonna say what caused it but you can probably guess what it is

ok i got sidetracked thats gonna happen alot, at around the same time my ex broke up with me i met this co worker, who i had a crush on, she was not attracted to me because shes straight and i identified as female back then. it at first started as a nice friendship but dark clouds appeared very quickly.

like i said before i have been depressed for a long time and that always caused me problems and this time was no different, i was severely suicidal during this friendship and was in the psych ward twice, and during that period i was extremely toxic, i cut off all my friends except her and my other work friends, but to be honest i am glad i did since many of them constantly made fun of me and to be honest i hated them for it.

ok sidetracked again oops, well this friend did try to “save me” as i would say back then, i would constantly talk about how i didn’t want to live anymore which was 100% true but saying that to people is pretty toxic and tbh if you have a friend like that unfortunately its bet to sever ties with that friend, which she eventually did during the beginning of covid.

but heres the odd part, when i wasn’t speaking to her or wasnt around her, i wasn’t as suicidal, and when we stopped talking i felt less suicidal.

i am honestly not sure what was causing this but i am glad that friendship is over because i haven’t been like that since well actually i wasnt that awful then either.

granted she wasnt perfect she was often condescending and kept trying to convince me that i want kids which by the way i do not want kids, she didnt like when i dressed more masculine or wear some of my masculije clothing, despite me saying repeatedly that i am genderfluid so the way i dress is different each day, of course back then i always wear makeup and tbh on good days all i could think about was makeup which feels surreal to me considering that i barely wear any makeup now.

when covid lockdown started i was lost, my whole work day routine was gone, my weekend routine was gone, it was pure chaos for me because it meant my routines are thrown out the window even my sleep schedule was messed up before covid on weekdays i went to bed at 2 and and woke up 9:30 am and leave for work at 11:30 am and go for long walks before my shift started at 3:30 pm

during covid i would wake up at 4pm and go to bed at 7 am which is honestly a terrible sleep schedule unless you work late evening and night shifts

during covid i helped take care of my avó who had alzheimers but it was more hands on and it gave me a regular sleep schedule and it gave me a regular routine for 8 months while work wasnt available to me, i did go back to work for 6 months at home before being out of work due to the company i work for ran out of work for me and many other co workers

im a video game tester and productionon video games would either get delayed or cancelled entirely including the game i was testing for 6 months, it was bittersweet because i couldn’t work anymore but i got to see my avó more.

september 2021 was a terrifying time for me my mom had open heart surgery, and my avó had to live with my uncle (my moms brother) which she did for a year and while my mom recovered i couldn’t go to my uncles on weekdays because i cant drive and my dad was taking care of my mom, my sibling who had top surgery around the same time (my sibling is nonbinary) and he worked full time so prioties changed but my uncle ended up bringing my avó over frequently so i got to see her alot,

my mom recovered she was actually in better shape a week post op than she was pre op so thats good.

during this time i made a new best friend who was really nice and had a funny sense of humor, actually i made two friends one of them is nylocke and we talk almost everyday, the other friendship didnt.

see one of my best friends (the one i dont talk tk anymore) got in a relationship, it wasnt me being jealous, but i realized that my ex best friends partner was not the nicest person in the world but they often complained about my ex best friend and honestly they made my ex best friend feel like shit and honestly me with my big moutb i had to speak up and their partner turned the tables around and said i was in love with my ex best friend was trying to date them and was trying to trick them into dating me, they werent my type and why would i try dating someone in a relationship. but their partner was the jealous type and they terrified me, i do miss my ex best friend but it’s probably for the best that they cut me out.

november 2022 was my avós 81st birthday, we didnt know it at the time but it was her last birthday, leas than a week later she got covid im not sure how she got it but she got it, she did survive covid and during that time the hospital got my avó into a care facility which meant she had full time care, her own room and bathroom, she loved living there and loved her room, most of her memory was gone she couldn’t remember my name, not even my deadname,

my avó passed away in september 2023 and it was the wors day of my life, i was extremely depressed i wasn’t suicidal this time around but i did feel lost and i felt like i lost my purpose in life, it took over a year for me to stop calling her old phone number that was disconnected. i still think about her everyday, and i still miss her so much.

i miss you avó small

now what does this have to do with me staying songle? basically what i am saying is for 5 years i had no time for dating but now i finally have the time to start dating again and i am thinking of dating again soon. basically what i am saying is i am finally ready to move forward and it was a long journey to heal from all the drama that came in the last 5 years

[steeltwigz]

Misc. Thoughts abt Germ-phobic Shadow headcanons:

(under the cut becuz it's a bit long but also mentions some things that might be slightly triggering if anyone reading Also has a hard time w the thought of germs and such)

I think Shadow would b kind of hyper vigilant (?) about potential germs in his home. It's one of his traits that's otherwise very unexpected unless you know him. He picked it up from the mindset on the ARK that treated any possible contamination as almost Certain Death and now he can't quite shake it. I also think he would just try avoid things that he thinks are 'gross' or get upset when something is unexpectedly gross, like jumping in a puddle (cool and fun!) And not connecting the dots that you would also get covered in mud (BAD AND EVIL). He can withstand it to a point but after a while being too dirty starts to affect him and he NEEDS to go get washed. I think he would also force Team Dark to clean their apartment more. Maybe even to the point where he walks around personally inspecting every small thing to check for dust or potential hazards. Like scanning with black lights to see if something is dirty and shit.

And he always has some kind of quick sanitizer on his person, just in case. Like a small case of wipes and hand sanitizer or smth. His fur routines are very specific too, and can take a long time to complete. And there's that bit from the takeovers about how his bed must always be made and clean and ironed properly if he's going to sleep in it.

I think he'd also find it kinda gross when people around him share food with each other. ESPECIALLY drinks. The thought of sharing straws makes him turn green.

He refuses to open the window in his bedroom because of all the "smoke and city pollutants" that could flow in. Rouge has taken to just rolling her eyes and shrugging him off. She likes things to be in order and clean, but she isn't rlly worried about mess to the same level of urgency. Like if she spills something, she won't stop everything to fix it if she doesn't have to. One time when she's cooking she leaves a mess on the floor or maybe the countertops for longer than an hour and Shadow starts contemplating setting the kitchen on fire. Or she cooks something and lets it sit on the stovetop for hours after it was finished cooking and only puts it away because Shadow is about to Chaos Spear the whole thing into oblivion.

Like yeah illnesses won't affect him, but I think he could potentially still carry them, so he still tries to avoid them whenever possible, even if it means refusing to share a drink with someone which would Probably not do anything to him. Plus, in Maria's case, even the smallest contaminant was very dangerous, so he'd be on edge even for the slightest things. Went out and someone was coughing or sneezing without proper covering? Come home, clean door handles, clean gloves, clean fur. Had to go on the subway? Come home, scrub down boots, scrub rings, clean gloves, clean fur. Stuff like that.

His accessories are mostly metal so they're easy to sanitize, but if he happened to get blood that was Not his own on his gloves or in his fur I think he'd try to burn them. Obviously with his fur he can't do that, but he would want to. Depending on the severity, Rouge or OMEGA might have to physically stop him from trying.

He isn't allowed to watch Invader Zim becuz its portrayal of earth makes him so so disgusted that it's hard to go exist in public spaces. Have you seen that show. I couldn't even THINK about going out for AGES after watching some of those episodes. Genuinely made my stance on dirt and grime one MILLION times worse. And I watched it in high school so it eventually overlapped with when I had swim class in gym. TERRIBLE TIMING. Shadow would HATE public pools and he's a real one for that.

[taeghi]

volume 3 ☆ jake sim - the first love trope

"oh shit, sorr- wait you like one ok rock? "yeah?" "no way, what's your favourite song?!"

pairing : popular boy!jake x shy!reader

summary : you, a quiet girl who is the introvert of all introverts, never thought you would befriend the most popular boy in school by having the same music taste. what songs are you going to show him next?

word count : 23,900 something lol

includes smut

topics of insomnia, depression, cigarettes, quick mention of death (sorry) (maybe slight trigger warning bc of the death)

MINORS DNI

☆read the other volumes?

taglist : @srirachibi @ryu-naa @blank-velvet @hoonstrology@person-standing @yuakagi @moasworld @rein-deer-stuffs @lix-freckle3 @leeis @turnipsandflowerss @hoewithnojams@liliansun @melaninjhs @sunshine-skz @andromedawillburryyou@shynypeacekitten @violevantae @rpkth @hime98 @fvryang @j4yluvr @heelariously @fireflies997 @rikipediaa @manaswisingh @pshwyfie @rikithebest @as-she-pleases

(sorry if i forgot anyone lol)

you have always hated busan. you hated the humid weather, the inconsistent transportation system, and, god forbid, the noise. but now, over the past few weeks, at least, you've started to enjoy the noise during your insomniac nights. you sit in your bed for what feels like the one hundredth time tonight, having nothing better to do than look out your window. the bags that have been accumulating for weeks under your brown eyes have started to grow into a shade of dark purple that harshly contrasts with your skin tone. your house has always been quiet. it started when your father left years ago. it seemed that no matter how many were home, the eerie type of quiet that had been set into the house, lingers. it's always clean and spacious, and no one talks unless they need to you haven't spoken to your siblings in weeks. there had been underlying anger between you that has been inherited like the freckles on all your cheekbones. you sometimes try to blame yourself for the falling out, but only your dad runs through your mind at the thought. your insomnia has been toleratable since it started through the summer. still, now that your junior year is starting in a couple of hours, the insufferableness is settling in. you wish you could sleep, if only for a day. on the other side of busan, jake lies awake in his bed, staring at his posters on the ceiling. he regret sleeping all day again because now all he can hear is his brother playing video games and the busan night coming in through his window. the sim house is usually always loud, even at night. jake's friends would come over, and they'd blast music and drink or talk about life events. jake's brother would sometimes join them, adding to the noise. jake has hardly left his room all summer. the thoughts are becoming too much, so he sleeps to get them to stop. things had been hard since isa had broken up with him. he looked up his symptoms and groaned when the word 'depression' crossed the screen. jake used to like busan. it was always busy and roaring with people, but now the noise adds to it all. he needs quiet. jake feels guilty for sleeping through the summer. but he doesn't have enough energy to do anything else. he wishes he couldn't sleep through a day, just for a day.

your hair is messy as you stand outside your school, your earbuds tangled as you look up at the building you despised so much.

you're not oblivious, you know that you don't look like you're the world's next top model in your oversized clothing, your hands shoved into the pockets of your unzipped sweater

you suppose everyone has headed to their second period class by now, so you're outside by yourself, the newly fall breeze starting to twirl around the city.

you look out onto the freshly cut grass field. it reminds you of the view from your bedroom window. it looks like your neighbour's clean backyard that he cares so much for. you then start to imagine that you're home. its quiet and you're relaxed. but that false relaxation turns into wondering where your family members are, and if they're thinking of you, at least in the slightless bit

the sudden voice beside you makes you somewhat jump, "what're you doing out here?"

you turn your head to the right and see a black-haired girl. you immiediatly notice how beautiful the girl is. her features suit her face so well and wish that you're own looked as good as hers.

"um," you state, noticing the angry expression on her face, her eyebrwos furrowed, "just, listening to music." you point to your headphones.

the girl nodded uncaringly before pulling out a cigarette and a lighter, lighting it before she puts it to her lips. "it's been the worst day so far, i hate school so much." the black haired girl suddenly rants, mocking the leaning position you were in against the wall. you nod in acknowledgement to her words. "what year are you in?"

"year 11."

"ah, so i'm your senior." the girl pulls her eyebrows up, "i guess i should be a good influence on you and tell you to get to class."

"i feel like i'd learn more out here than i would in a class."

a smile spreads across the girls lips, "i'm park chaerin."

"y/l/n y/n."

"yo, are you coming or what?" a boys' voice calls out suddenly. there's a boy with black hair pushed back. he's wearing a dark blue hoodie with the number 99 on it- realizing that he must be on the rugby team for your school.

"yeah, i am, can you not give me a second, jay?" chaerin replies, pushing herself off the wall and into his direction, inhaling from her cigarette as she does.

the boys'- jay- eyes you cautiously behind chaerin, analysing if he should say anything more while you're around.

"well i don't have all day to waste like you." jay replies, rolling his eyes.

"ugh." chaerin exhales the smoke, before throwing her cigarette on the pavement and stomping on it. "let's go. bye y/n!" she smiles at you, before walking away with jay.

you could hear jay scolding chaerin for smoking around him before turning the corner, neither of them glancing back at you.

over the first few weeks of school, you had somehow became close friends with park chaerin.

sure, she was a year older than you, and so much cooler than you, but you seemed to understand each other in a way that no one else has. she was quickly becoming your best (and only) friend.

you had learnt that she also comes from a not-so-great yet not-so-bad family like you. and she liked to cause some trouble. you most definetly weren't a goody two shoes- and you're grades were horrendous but not because you were stupid- but because you could care less about high school.

you learnt that chaerin was 'secretly' hooking up with park jay from the school's rugby team. at first, you had believed chaerin when she told you that it was solely sex, but quickly you learnt that there were feelings growing from her side- feelings that the imfamous park jay probably didn't reciprocate.

"god!" chaerin groaned out, sitting beside you against the concrete wall behind the school- the place where you had first met and had somehow mutally decided that the place would be your meetup spot. "did you see him not even look at me?"

"hm?" you asked, pulling out your earbud to hear the girl.

chaerin put her head against the wall, "stupid jay, i walked right past him and his stupid friends and he didn't even look. i mean i was right infront of him there was no way he didn't see me!"

you sighed, reaching out and patting your friends' knee. "maybe he didn't see you, why don't you ask him later about it?"

"i know what his answer is gonna be, 'what would the guys think if i looked at you?'." chaerin mocked in a deep 'jay' voice. "it's so annoying! he tells me he likes me and then pretends he has no idea who i am when we are in public!"

and chaerin's words are true.

park chaerin's reputation hasn't been the best at your school. she was known for being the 'bad girl'. the girl who parties a lot, and smoked a lot and had a lot of sex- which she says she hasn't but the rest of the school disagrees- and that she really didn't care about what anyone thinks of her.

chaerin thought she could live the rest of her life not caring about other people's opinions.

until she started hooking up with park jay.

park jay was the co captain of the rugby team. he was popular, and smart and athletic and majority of the girls and guys at your school wanted to date him. you could say that he was 'preppy' and comes from a rich family that owns a lot of buildings in your city.

chaerin didn't plan on falling for jay- and he most definetlly didn't plan for that either. it's not that he was necesarily embarrassed by hooking up with park chaerin- but he still didn't want people to know.

"i'm sorry chae, hopefully he will come to his senses." you tried to reassure her.

"no, hopefully i come to my senses and ghost his ass, maybe then he'll recognize me in public."

you smiled at her words, not getting a chance to respond, "he did mention that he told one of his friends about us, his best friend."

"oh really?" you asked, genuinely shocked at park jay.

"yeah, but he made the guy swear not to tell anyone else so i can't tell if it's a step forward or backward for us."

"it's a forward one, chae- now four of us know instead of three."

chaerin scoffed with a smile at your words, "yay, four!" she spoke in her usual sarcastic tone you had become familiar with.

she wrapped her arm around you, both of you looking out to the soccer field where a class of year 9's played a shitty game of soccer. chaerin smoked a cigarette as you listened to music- something the both of you had started doing together as you talked or sat in silence, waiting for the school bell to ring for another period to start.

you always liked listening to music. your interest had become a need to live over time since you listened to it so much. it broke the silence that had settled over you and your family. you found comfort in it

you needed music when you were alone, when you were in a classroom full of people that you didn't know when you were walking in the halls to a classroom full of people you didn't know.

music could allow you to daydream as well. you got so lost in music that it helped you cope with the harsh reality of your life. you could imagine up anything you wanted with your ears being blasted by your favourite- and not so favourite songs.

and maybe that means it's not always such a good thing to do when you are walking around a bunch of other people while you're losing yourself to your daydreams because you crash right into someone, and your phone goes flying onto the hallway floors, ripping your headphones right from your ears.

you were more concerned about the ache in your ears and a possibly shattered phone than the person you had bumped into you, jaw going slack as you watched your phone slide across the hall.

"oh shit." you heard someone cuss, taking a step towards your phone before a person beats you to it. "sorr- wait, you like one ok rock?"

you finally glance up at the boy who is now holding your phone, your headphones wrapped around his hand as looked down at your screen. he had shaggy brown hair and a pretty smile as he looked at you.

"uh, yeah?"

"no way, what's your favourite song?!" he exclaimed, not caring about the other students glaring at the two of you for standing in the middle of the hallway.

you couldn't focus on this question as you just continued to stare at your phone, wondering why he was still holding onto it so tight. when you didn't answer, he looked down at his hand gripping your phone and headphones.

"oh shit, sorry again." jake almost startled himself, hurriedly handing over your phone.

"thanks." you nodded to him, rolling your phone over to see no scratches or cracks on it, noticing that the ambitions album by one ok rock was paused on the screen.

"y/n!" you heard chaerin's voice call you from behind you. you turned around and saw her face twisted into frustration. "let's go outside." she put two fingers to her mouth, signifying that she needed a smoke.

"o-okay." you nodded to her, quickly putting your headphones back in your ears, starting to rush to chase after your best friend through the halls to the back. "oh, my favourite's nobody's home!" you called over your shoulder to the boy, who only stared you with a confused smile on your face, watching how fast you ran for your upset friend.

you didn't stay to hear his response, taking his nod as a good enough answer before you made your way to your usual spot outside with chaerin, ready to hear what park jay had done now.

a day after bumping into the boy who knew one ok rock, the realization hit you on how cute he actually was and how much you embarrassed yourself by literally bumping into him and then making him pick up your things for you. you didn't even say sorry to him!

you tried to remember if you had ever seen the boy around before, but your mind drew blank. his casual sweats and distressed plaid shirt didn't seem to be a fashion sense that you recognized around your school- nor did the pretty smile and brown hair.

you especially didn't think anyone would be interested in what music you listened to or what your favourite song was.

it had you up at night for even longer than usual. at least your insomniac brain had something nice to think about for once- a boy to imagine late at night as you listened to music and stared outside your window.

since that day, you had tried to find the boy in the hallways, just a glance at him and maybe see who he hangs around with. but you never did. the brown shaggy hair was nowhere in your vision, and it made you slowly forget about him after a week.

you think you had almost forgotten about him when chaerin sat beside you abruptly against the concrete wall. today, cheerleading practice was occurring on the field in front of you.

"jay said something weird last night" chaerin shrugged, plopping her bag beside her as she dug through it.

"about what?" you asked her, taking out one of your earphones.

"you."

"me?"

"yeah," chaerin pulled out a lighter from her bag, turning to look at you, "his friend said he saw you with me and asked jay about you."

"what?" you asked again, sitting up straight, curious as to why you were ever a topic of discussion to anyone.

chaerin lit her cigarette, "yeah, jay said he didn't know anything about you, though; he said his friend seemed annoyed at it."

"who's his friend?"

"that sim jake guy, he's on the rugby team, too."

"sim jake?"

"yeah, you haven't heard of him?"

you shook your head no, confused as to why a boy on the rugby team would want to know about you.

your high school took sports very seriously. so as soon as you were accepted onto one of the sports teams, you would instantly be popular and accepted into a great university with a great scholarship.

"why would this sim jake guy want to know about me?"

chaerin shrugged, "beats me. he said something about bumping into you in the hallway."

bumping into you in the hallway.

"holy shit." you cursed, shock ripping through you when you realized who this sim jake guy must've been. "the one ok rock guy."

"the who?"

"i did bump into this cute guy like two weeks ago; he liked this same band as me, i didn't realize he was on the rugby team!"

"you think he's cute?" chaerin's jaw dropped.

"wait- not like-."

"oh my god! you think sim jake is cute?" chaerin squealed loudly, her voice bouncing off the school's walls.

"shhh!" you shoved her, "be quiet! i saw him once for maybe 30 seconds; you cannot be going around saying i think he's cute or something!"

"okay okay." chaerin giggled at your embarrassed expression, "and hey, i don't care who you fool around with or who you date, but if things with jake do ever happen, just be careful because his and his ex had a messy break up- shits still not resolved and it's been like five months."

"who's his ex?"

"lee chaeyoung." chaerin nodded towards the cheerleaders on the field, "isa. she's in my year."

across the field, lee chaeyoung, who went by her preferred name as 'isa' stood a top three girls who all held her up in the air, her navy blue cheerleading uniform contrasting against her pretty, pale skin.

you knew isa was the most popular and prettiest girl in your school; it was hard not to notice her in the halls. it was as if everyone in the hall would stop and watch her walk past them, her beauty too controlling to look away from her.

"i didn't know she had a boyfriend."

you heard chaerin scoff at your words. "y/n, i'm sorry but you don't know much about anyone at this school."

you tilted your head in consideration of her words, "that is true."

you and chaerin laugh as you continue to watch the cheerleaders practice their routines, the comfortable silence taking over until chaerin speaks again.

"do you want to come over to my house after school, there's not much to do, but we could go swimming, my parents said it's the last weekend to use the pool before they close it for the year."

"Sure." you agreed before the silence settled in between you again before the fourth period's bell rang out.

now, the two of you are in chaerin's room. you're walking around, looking at chaerin's belongings on the shelves. chaerin's talking about some drama at school again, and you nod along, not really listening. you look at the pictures chaerin has on the walls of her family. over the weeks, you have heard a lot about chaerin's family; you know that they don't always get along, but you can't help but wish you had a family like this. at least they talk to each other.

"do you want to go swimming now?" chaerin asks from her bed.

"yeah, why not."

chaerin smiles at your answer and stands up to rummage through her dresser drawers before pulling out two bathing suits. she hands you a black bikini with a smile, "go change in the bathroom."

chaerin's black bikini was definitely chaerin's bikini as you looked at yourself in the mirror. chaerin was a lot more confident in her body than you were in yours. it showed a majority of your body and curves in a way that you weren't used to. you force yourself to pick up your dad's old smashing pumpkins t-shirt that you basically live in and slip it on your body before meeting chaerin in the hallway.

chaerin's little brother, cheol, asks to go swimming with you guys, smiling once you agree that he can come. you help him apply some sunscreen. cheol already likes you, and it's partly because he can tell how much his sister does. cheol has always looked up to chaerin, and it worries the family. everyone in their family looks at cheol like he is the innocent one of them all. like he is the one that won't be a screw-up like the rest of them.

chaerin and cheol ease themselves into the pool while you still contemplate whether you should go swimming with your shirt on or off.

"come on, y/n!" cheol shouts from the middle of the pool.

"okay okay, i'm coming," you climb the ladder and stand on the edge of the pool, looking down at your pretty friend and her brother, wondering how you became so lucky to become friends with a girl like chaerin.

"what. are. you doing?" a sudden deep voice says from diagonally behind you, startling you, so you fall straight into the pool: head first.

when you come up from the water with a scowl on your face for who was the culprit that scared you, the frown drops immediately when you see park jay and sim jake standing by the gate that leads to chaerin's backyard.

"we're swimming; what does it look like we're doing?" chaerin said sarcastically, rolling her eyes.

you turned away from the two boys, pushing your now-soaked hair away from your face and trying to smooth it over your head. you wiped the cheap, shitty mascara you were wearing away that had most likely leaked underneath your eyes from the water.

"i can see that. why are you swimming in september, you're gonna be sick, and then i'll have to deal with that, too." jay spoke out in frustration,

you heard chaerin scoff in annoyance, "god, you are so condescending; we are just having fun."

"whatever, can we talk inside for a second?" you heard the water in the pool start to swish around as chaerin started walking towards the ladder, so she responded to jay's question.

the two of them walked inside, a towel wrapped around chaerin's body as jay kept glancing at jake to make sure he wasn't looking at chaerin's bikini outfit.

cheol bursts out laughing beside you, smacking the water, "did you see the way you fell into the pool!" cheol said through his laughter, "head first!"

a smile spread across your face at his statement, glad someone found your embarrassing moment funny. "hey, you better watch it! I'll throw you into the pool head first!" you splashed water at the younger boy.

cheol laughed and splashed water back, drenching you again. "who are you?" his voice spoke out. you opened your eyes from wiping the fallen mascara again and turning to see that he was looking at jake, who stood by the side of a pool with a pretty smile.

"i'm jake; what's you're name?"

"i'm cheol," he said proudly, "and this is y/n, my sister's friend." jake turned and looked at you at your mini introduction.

"i know who she is," jake smiled and nodded at you, "and i like wherever you are."

"jake! come inside for a second!" jay's voice called out from the now-opened back door.

jake nodded at you and cheol before smiling and walking to where jay had just disappeared.

it took you a second to figure out what he had meant- but then you realized it was an one ok rock song. it was a song from your favourite album of theirs- and a song that really meant a lot to you.

cheol splashing water at you again turns your mind away from the thoughts of sim jake likes the same music as you, and into a water fight as you continue to splash the younger boy with both of you muffly giggling.

jake and jay end up staying longer than jay had planned. jay realized that chaerin had no food prepared to feed you guys, making him suddenly want to cook for you all. he avoided jake's teasing eyes as he started to look around for some ingredients- and he most definitely avoided the love-sick eyes chaerin was giving him- he wouldn't dare lose himself in them when jake was standing right there.

jake now stands in the kitchen, watching you and cheol in the window. jay had left to go to the convenience store to pick up some final ingredients. chaerin went to her room to change into something more comfortable than her wet bikini. with it being the late afternoon, the sun's setting behind the houses, leaving the sky smeared with dark blues, purples, yellows and pinks. jake watches you on the edge of the pool, and he can't help but think that even with the sky being so many gorgeous colours, you are a million times more beautiful.

jay finishes the dinner quickly and hands a bowl of it to everyone. you help cut the pieces for cheol, as jay and chaerin talk or argue about something amongst each other.

you are chaerin's house again this week, along with her brother, jay and jake. you've become comfortable enough to just walk in. you get along with everyone, although you've never spoken to jake since he told you his favourite song.

it was somehow agreed between you four (five if you include cheol but chaerin said he has no say in anything) that you'd all just sleep at chaerin's house tonight. you weren't sure how to feel about it, never having a sleepover in your life. you can't even sleep at your own house, so you don't know how you'd be able to sleep in someone else's.

the night went fast as everyone seemed tired from the long week at school. chaerin and jay settled into her bed, leaving jake in the guest room, and you insisted on sleeping on the couch; you didn't want to wake up anyone with your constant twists and turns and humming.

jake, for once, struggles to fall asleep that night. he thinks he slept too much the day before- falling asleep right at 4pm when he got home from school and then fully waking up at 6am today. he lays awake in the guest bed, looking around the room, scanning the walls that he's never been in before. he's had a few sleepless nights before; it turns out that tonight will probably be one of them.

soon, jake has had enough of trying to get the sleep he probably doesn't need much of at this point and quietly hops out of bed and goes down the hall. he hears cheol's soft snores come from his bedroom as he walks by- and it makes him resent him in a way. he wished he could sleep like a little boy again.

in the living room, you're lying awake in your makeshift bed on the couch. you don't know if the reason you can't sleep is that you're uncomfortable sleeping in someone else's house or that you can't stop thinking about how big of a problem your trust issues are.

at this point, you just couldn't sleep- there was too much stuff on your mind. you got up to get your bag, careful to not cause a loud noise that would wake the people upstairs. you reach in to grab a cigarette that chaerin had given you a few weeks ago. you opened the off-white back door and walked out onto the small porch.

jake walked down the stairs and noticed the backdoor open, glancing over at the couch and seeing that you were gone. he walked towards the door to close it, figuring that you had left and accidentally left the door open.

jake saw you outside, sitting on one of the old wooden chairs as you looked out into the backyard. he watched you for a minute, trying to figure out why you were out there at this time of night. he creaked open the door, before stepping out onto the creaky plywood of the porch.

you jerked around, surprised that someone else was up at this time. you and jake looked at each other for a moment, unsure of what to do, and then you chuckled and patted the chair beside you for him to sit. jake closed the door behind him and sat down, copying how you were sitting.

"what're you doing up this late?" you asked, concern laced through your voice.

"couldn't sleep. what about you?"

"i couldn't sleep either."

you stuck your hand in the pocket of your hoodie and took out the cigarette and lighter. you stuck the cigarette in your mouth and lit it.

"you smoke?" jake asked, he knew chaerin smoked, but he didn't take you for the smoking kind.

"yeah," you shrugged, "it helps me relax." you exhaled and offered the cigarette to jake, which he refused.

you liked that someone was up with you at this time of night. busan always had someone up at this hour, no matter what, but it was nice to be up with someone beside you. the night was as calm as busan could get. the occasional train would go by, a car would drive down the street, and sometimes a laugh would echo around the neighbourhood.

jake liked that you were the one awake with him. every once in a while, he would take a little peek at you and notice something different. your cheekbones, the single freckles scattered around and how every time you inhaled from the cigarette, you closed your eyes, really taking in the moment. the smoke swirled around them, and the smell of your shampoo from your hair made jake wish that this moment wouldn't end, but he was starting to feel tired again somehow.

"i heard you're on the rugby team," you said, breaking the comfortable silence between you.

"yeah, and a few other sports teams."

"do you like it?"

"yeah, i guess. i liked it more when i was younger, i think."

the two of you went back to being silent again, both thinking of different things. jake thought about how his parents forced him into sports when he was younger and wished he had started playing an instrument instead. you think about what your dad and mom are doing as you sit awake with sim jake.

"do you ever want to leave busan?" it was jake, now breaking the silence.

"yeah, all the time."

"do you have anywhere you want to go?"

"madrid, in spain." you said, throwing your finished cigarette down onto the grass. "do you want to go anywhere?"

"anywhere in california with a beach."

"why with a beach?"

jake shrugged, setting his head on the chair behind him, "you know, hot beach chicks."

you scoffed at his response with a smile, "you think hot beach chicks would be into you?"

"well," jake thought for a moment; he had never been on a beach before, so he didn't know if he fit the requirements as a 'beach boy', "i'm sure one of them will be."

you nodded and laughed at him, "they said opposites do attract." you reached into your pocket again, untangling your headphones.

jake has thought about opposites attracting before- he's never been able to tell if it's true when it comes to people. jake's tried to imagine his 'dream girl' before, but it's always been someone that was similar to him- never such a different person. he thinks that maybe you're the closest thing to his dream girl- but he has no idea how truly different you two are.

you're tired and wish you could sleep- and jake is tired and wishes he couldn't.

but still, you sit outside on the porch, sharing headphones as you both listen to one ok rock, your minds drifting to different topics once again.

over the next few weeks, chaerin and jay started becoming closer. you didn't mind jay, but you didn't think that it was that great of him to keep chaerin a secret from everyone except for you and jake. the two of them were always around each other, and when they weren't, because jay had practice, chaerin would not stop talking about him.

jake and you started talking in passing in the halls or at chaerin's house when chaerin and jay would go up to her bedroom together. overtime, it felt like jake was becoming your only friend.

jake has been going to your house almost every day now. jake liked your house. it was quiet, and he felt addicted to it. your brothers don't come home until late at night, and your mother is always working. your family could also not stand the silence that had crept its way into their house.

the two of them were up in her room like usual. she was looking at her window on her bed, her elbows propped up on the sill. jake walked around her room, picking up some things he'd find and ask questions about them, only getting small answers from her.

slow music played from your record player. jake and you have found out that you share almost all of the same music tastes.

"did you sleep last night?" you had opened up to jake about your insomnia, so when he asked you this question, you weren't surprised.

"kind of, more than usual."

you like nights like these. the sun setting, leaving behind the neighbourhood for the night, and jake somewhere in your room with you. you like to think during times like this. you wonder what it would be like if you hadn't met chaerin- you probably wouldn't have jake then, either. you try to remember what it feels like to get an actual nine hours of sleep. times like these are only toleratable because of jake. you broke the silence that you've been learning to like.

"come on, i need to smoke."

the two have gone to sitting by the window and sharing a cigarette for weeks now. it relax's them, almost enough for them to feel okay. the bags under their eyes have begun to fade since they started hanging out.

they've begun to rely on each other, and it scared both of them. they feel as if they're the only ones who understand each other.

now, the smell of your perfume and smoke surrounds them as they stare out into busan.

"what do you want to be when you're older?" you ask, blowing smoke out the window. over the weeks, they've taken turns asking questions like this, similar to the ones they asked when they first sat outside on chaerin's porch.

"a singer, maybe an actor." his response shocked you, thinking he'd say some kind of athlete or coach. you liked the thought of seeing jake on your tv, another way that he could comfort her.

"what do you wanna be?"

"i don't know, i like psychology a lot."

"that would be fun; maybe then you could tell me what the fuck's wrong with me."

you chuckle and nudge jake, "aw, ya know nothing's wrong with you."

"i guess." jake shrugs and watches you inhale the cigarette. He notices that he's been happier, but only when he's with you. when you're gone, all he wants to do is lay in bed and sleep. or think of her.

"i miss dreaming," you confess suddenly; having twenty-minute quick naps doesn't allow you to really dream up anything.

"i don't. that's all i ever do- my mind doesn't stop with them it's like overflowing."

they go back to silence as jake stares at you again, taking in all your pretty features.

"what?" you smile once you notice him.

"nothing."

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

jake wakes up at 7pm, successfully sleeping through the weekend again. he expects the morning light to be seeping through his curtains but realizes that it's too late for that. his thoughts turn to you, wishing that you were there with him. telling him that it's okay. nothing's wrong with you; your voice is in his head.

he's gotten used to waking up in your bed and seeing you awake by the window. you'd be smoking probably, and your earring's getting glimpses of the moonlight. maybe you'd be humming or painting your nails. but now, he's alone in his bed. the guilt begins to wash into him again. he closes his eyes and listens to his family rummaging around the house.

"are you asleep?" his brother, jaesung's, voice invades jake's quiet room. the light from the hallway lights up the room slightly. jake's eyes open, but don't look at his brother. too guilty for not spending time with him again.

"no."

"are you okay?' jaesung's question almost makes jake scoff. do i seem okay?

"yeah. 'm fine."

jaesung knows that his brother is lying. he's been worrying about him for months. the whole family has been. it hurts him. jaesung and jake have always been close. they would play video games together and watch movies. jaesung feels as if he's lost a best friend.

the older brother protectiveness is basically seeping off of him as he continues to watch jake lie in bed. it reminded him of his mother when they were younger.

"how's jay? or sunghoon? i haven't seen them around recently?" jaesung asks but gets no response from jake. "or how's that girl? y/n?"

"she's tired."

the almost silent hoarse answer from jake uneases jaesung as he tries to think of how to talk to this stranger he once knew.

jake used to party every weekend with his friends. he loved going out and brightening up any room he walked into. he liked being popular at school and having people cheer for him in the stands at any of his games. but now, jake feels like he'd rather stay in bed than do any of those things. sports have become a chore to him.

"do you want y/n to come over? i'm sure dad won't care."

"yeah."

and now you and jake have seemed to switch places. he's sat on his bed, tugging at the string of his blanket, looking out his window. and you're wandering around, looking at his trophies and medals on his shelves. it's the first time you've been to his house. his room is what you expected; messy, and there's clothing everywhere, papers thrown, and the posters that jake's collected over the years are peeling off the walls. jake hasn't been able to clean his room since the summer.

"your dad seems nice." you speak from across the room.

"yeah, i guess."

jake wonders about your parents. he's seen a glimpse of your mom before when he was on the way to your house. you don't talk about them often, usually changing the subject. he knows that they hurt you.

maybe that's why you and him bond so well; you both have sleeping problems and problematic parents.

"do you know what you're going to study in college?" you ask him, changing the subject.

"kinesiology," jake stated, "it's the only thing i could really go for with all my history in the school's sports teams."

you nod your head at his words, "i'm sure you could do something else; you'll be good at anything."

jake scoffs, "maybe not anything, but there might be something else for me."

you continue to stare around his room, trying to find something else to talk about before you stand up. "i think i should head back home now." you figured that you shouldn't overstay your welcome at the sim house. it was the first time you had ever been there, and it was already getting late into the night.

"you don't wanna spend the night?" jake asks, turning from his window to look at you, "i sleep at yours all the time; it'll be fine."

"i don't know, j." you shrug, "my brother's been home all day; he'll be wondering where i went to this late at night."

jake hums in agreement at your words, "that's okay; maybe next time then."

"yeah, next time." you take a step towards his bedroom door. "have a good sleep, jake." you smile softly at him.

"be careful walking home."

"i will, i'll see you at school."

you close his door behind you, and as you go, you can feel a ripping in your heart.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

jake and you sit outside on their school's field, eating lunch together and daydreaming while listening to music. there's kids eating lunch on the other side of the field- and there are others that are kicking a ball around.

Halloween is just around the corner, and the weather resembles the holiday perfectly. it's gloomy, and leaves have fallen to surround you in a daze. although it's lunch, it feels like dusk. your jackets are zipped up, and you're sitting close to each other.

you pick up your sandwich, and your mind starts to wander off again. you think about sleep and how it feels. you wonder if your brothers are okay. you wonder if they think about you. you hate thinking about them like this because you know they aren't. they've never been the closest siblings, especially not now, with your parents basically abandoning you. being the youngest in your family, you feel like the rutt of them.

you would like to have a family like jake's; wealthy, loving, and they don't avoid each other like the plague. you know about his dad and his brother, but you've never really heard about his mom. you wonder what it must've been like to be held by a dad who loves you.

you watch jake out of the corner of your eye. the way he slowly eats, too caught up in his book to read fast. you wonder if he'll do his homework for once or go instantly to sleep when they get to your house after school. you wonder if he sleeps better at your house or his.

the breeze picks up and ruffles jake's books' pages.

"are you scared of anything, jake?"

he stops and looks up at you, pausing before he answers, "planes or turbulence. stuff like that."

"why?"

"uh, i'm not sure. maybe that's how i died in a past life."

"ah, you don't believe in that shit, do ya?" you nudge him with a smile.

jake does, if more than anything, he does .he thinks about how his mother used to talk about her fear of cars.

"what are you scared of?"

"ghosts." you smile at each other, jake shaking his head at you before returning to his book.

-

their walk home is spent by both of them complaining about how it's too early in the year to be so damn cold. her hands are freezing, and she wants to reach out and grab jake. but something forces her not to. she knows how jake feels about girls getting too close to him. it triggers some memories of him and his ex. she likes his warmth, though.

the past week, you had been sleeping for a bit, but only when jake's there. it's the warmth from him, you conclude. you finally feel not alone. his light breaths and the noises from busan remind you that you aren't going to be alone forever. you like knowing that jake will be there when you sleep.

when you step into your house, your brother, soobin, is sitting at the table. he's reading a textbook and looks deep in thought. he glances at you two and mumbles a quick 'hey' before you guys head upstairs to your bedroom to do your usual routine.

later in the night, jake is lying down on your bed. his eyes are closed, but he's not asleep. he's listening to you hum along to a song you both like as you lay down on your crossed arms on the window sill.

you were thinking about how jake used to date lee isa, the cheerleader. you never heard anything about her from him. he's told you about everyone in his life except for his mom and isa.

jake's listening to you hum until you're not, making him open his eyes and look at your slumped-over figure. "what're you thinking about?" he knows your habits so well now.

"you," you answer nonchalantly.

jake smiles and closes his eyes again, "yeah? and what about me?"

"you and isa." jake's smile drops at the mention of his ex's name.

"why are you thinking about that?"

he sees you shrug at the window, not looking at him, "you never mention her."

"well why would i mention her? we broke up months ago."

he hears you hum in response from the bottom of the bed where you sat cross-legged, "did you love her?"

jake sighs at your question, rubbing his face in annoyance. he hated thinking about chaeyoung. he blames her for triggering his sleep problems. he blames her for him falling out of love with sports. he blames her for why his whole life isn't fair.

he knows it's not right for him to blame her for everything. but he can't help it. blaming someone else is so much easier than blaming yourself.

"are you tired?" he asks you, avoiding the question you had asked.

"i'm always tired," you mumble into your arm, your eyes closed.

jake tsks, "i meant, are you tired enough to try to sleep."

you pause and think for a moment, "i could maybe sleep."

"come lay down then." you hear jake ruffle the blanket behind you, flipping it over, so you crawl in your blanket beside him.

your heartbeats quicken as you go under. the scent of jake completely taking over you even though you're in your bedroom. your back was facing him, trying to not get too close to him. you knew this was a bad idea, but when his arm reached around you to pull you close, tightening his grasp on you, you just couldn't get yourself to push him away.

jake's thumb found a way to slowly rub circles on your stomach that was showing due to jake's hoodie being pushed up your body from lying down. you that knew you should be stopping him, but you felt the calmest you have felt in years.

jake instantly fell asleep, having the best sleep he has had in a long time. you tried to sleep, but even though you were comfortable, you couldn't stop thinking about isa. you remembered a month ago when chaerin told you she and jake had a really messy breakup. the way jake changed the subject from her and being in love didn't sit right with you.

you felt like you knew mostly everything about sim jake, but you felt like he was holding something big back from you. you felt like you were holding things back from jake yourself.

you finally closed your eyes and fell asleep in jake's embrace, hoping that when you woke up, everything would still be okay between you two.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

the next day when you both woke up, it was okay between you two. you got ready for school and walked to school together. you didn't see your brother on the way out, figuring that he had already left, and possibly didn't even spend the night.

things at least seemed normal between you and jake. at lunch, chaerin came and sat with you outside. you hadn't seen the black-haired girl for a week, having been too caught up with her boyfriend. you figured that jake would make his way out and sit with the both of you, but he never came.

you thought that maybe he figured you wanted some alone time with your best friend. but chaerin didn't really feel like a best friend anymore. all the times you had hung out at her house and skipped classes together felt like nothing to you.

"jay said he wants me to meet his friends, finally." chaerin said, grabbing the cigarette from your hand and putting it in her mouth. "and god, when did you become such a smoker?"

you shrugged, "when is he going to get you to meet them."

"he didn't say." you rolled your eyes at her obliviousness that jay was definitely not planning on introducing them all any time soon. "and why do you keep looking over there? Are you waiting for someone?"

"what? no, sorry."

chaerin quirked an eyebrow up at you, "how are you and jake anyways?"

"me and jake? we're fine; what do you mean?"

"what you saying there's nothing between you and jake? i know you guys hang out a lot."

"we're just friends, chae." you rested your head against the cement wall, looking at your friend.

"mhm." chaerin smirked at you but decided to leave it.

-

jake didn't meet you at your locker at the end of the day like he usually does, so you can walk home together. you waited twenty minutes before you realized he probably wasn't coming and you should just go home.

your mind began to worry that maybe you had upset jake- or weirded him out in some way last night. it was the first time that you two had shared a bed together and had gotten some decent sleep- or at least you had gotten some sleep; maybe jake didn't.

he didn't answer your text when you got home from school, so you figured or more so hoped that he had just fallen asleep and that he would get back to you later.

but actually, jake had left school early.

he went to tell you that he was leaving at lunch, but he saw that you were sitting with chaerin and didn't want to bother you. plus, he knew that you would want to leave too if you knew he was leaving. and jake just wanted to be alone for a minute.

jake woke up with anxiety in his chest that morning with you laying peacefully beside him. the scene honestly reminded him of chaeyoung and how many times they had slept together back when jake had an actual normal sleeping routine.

it made jake think of your question the night before 'did you love her?' and it honestly made him feel worse.

the whole reason he and chaeyoung broke up was because jake didn't say those three 'special' words back to chaeyoung. she gave him time to find out if he really loved her, but time didn't help those feelings develop. if anything, they stayed stagnant even more.

their breakup was messy since everyone in the school knew about the two of them dating. isa was a popular cheerleader, and jake was a popular athlete. he thought that chaeyoung and he were really similar, but in fact, they had nothing in common besides the fact that they were both popular.

chaeyoung lost herself in the high school popularity like jake used to. it was their breakup that brought jake out of that reality. he wished he could've stayed in it a bit longer-

but then he wouldn't have met you.

sure, he would've maybe seen you around since he knew you and chaerin were friends, but he definitely would not have gone out of his way to talk to you- especially if he was still dating isa.

jake liked hanging out with you. it was different than when he was with chaeyoung.

because while he dated her, he realized that when they were in public, he was dating isa, but when they were in private, he was dating chaeyoung. and he couldn't keep up with her double life.

with you, it was so much easier. you were yourself so he could be himself. at least, he tried to be. at least he could be.

the whole messy breakup that involved the whole cheerleading team scowling and glaring at him every time one of them saw him, and all of his team members annoyed him by asking, 'how could you let the hottest girl in the school dump you?'. It all had an effect on jake, and he thought that he was working on it- and it was easier to work on it since he was with you all the time.

he's started to rely on you, and he's scared. he doesn't want to put his all into someone just for them to walk away- he thinks maybe that's what chaeyoung felt with him. but now he's too tired to think anymore, and he just wants to go to bed.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

jake shakes awake on his own later on. the guilt and anxiety bubbling up too much within him that it wakes him up. he feels hopeless and stupid. why can't he shake this sadness away that has him feeling like he's sinking?

jake looks across his messy bedroom at his old rugby jersey and can't figure out why he's lost so much interest in it. he used to love running around and playing with the ball, nowadays, he can't even pick it up.

his first thought is how he wants you. but he knows tha tyou're dealing with your stuff. he thinks to himself that he's just another bother to you- and he can't have himself relying on someone else.

and now jake is hysterically crying. for months, he's been feeling like he's been holding all of this in. it's like he's crying out his whole thought process. he's shaking in his bed, and he can't seem to stop.

"jake?" jaesung's voice invades his bedroom again like the week before. "what's wrong?"

he doesn't get an answer as jake continues to cry. he can't even see jaesung because of the tears overflowing. it's not like he wants to anyways. he's been hurting his first best friend for months now.

jaesung sits down on the bed beside his younger brother. a hand resting on jake's shoulder, rubbing circles and shushing him.

it takes a few minutes for jake to calm down, jaesung staying with him the entire time- to both of them, it feels like an eternity.

"move over; let me lie down."

the sim brothers lie on their backs and stare up at the posters on jake's ceiling that you had taped back up properly for him. it's silent between them. jaesung struggles to find words to say. he's never seen anyone like this besides their mom.

"mom's probably disappointed in me." jaesung thinks out loud, mainly to himself.

"why you?"

"because i've let my brother feel like this for so long." jaesung pauses before continuing, "i've tried to help you, but i just never know how." jake reminded jaesung of their mother so much. they keep their emotions hidden and never talk about it until it's too late.

jaesung hates it.

he hates that the trait has gone into his brother. a part of him wishes that he was the one to inherit it instead.

"i never know how, either."

it's silent between them again, until jake starts quietly crying again.

"i miss mom, jae."

"me too."

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

soobin is sitting at the kitchen table when you come downstairs in the morning for school. he's already dressed for work, and it makes you scared to go downstairs- as if you were to you'd guys would fight like usual.

"hey soob," you say as you make your way across the kitchen to get your school bag. it's the first time in a while that you actually get to look at your older brother. soobin and you are only three years apart, which is closer in age than your oldest brother.

when you were younger, soobin and you used to look exactly like your mother. you all had the same eyes and lips and dark, straight hair. your oldest brother looks identical to your father- and you wonder if he even sees your dad when he looks in the mirror.

"are you going to school today?" soobin asked with a surprised tone, he knows how much you skip it.

"yeah, i am."

"going to all of your classes?"

"yeah, i am." you roll your eyes at him with a smirk.

the conversation with your older brother resembles how they used to be before your dad left. it was like you were still close brother and sister instead of strangers that were somehow related. you wonder if this would be the last time you'd see soobin for a while; him disappearing for a month is not uncommon.

"have a good day at school then, y/n." soobin stares at you, unsure what to say to you as you stare back at him with your hand on the front door's knob.

you smile at him, "i won't." you wish you could stay at home with your brother for a little longer, but school is waiting, and chaerin says she has something important to tell you. "see you." the siblings nod their heads at each other, and it already feels like they've gone back to being strangers.

-

at school, you sat through your lunch confused as to why you hadn't seen even a glimpse of jake. chaerin sat with you at lunch, where you only gave vague answers to her new rant of problems she's been having with jay that you're sure you've heard before.

you walked past the rugby team in the hall and didn't see that brown shaggy head of hair that you had analyzed so many times in your bedroom late at night.

you didn't even see park jay in the herd of athletes. the rest of them didn't like too familiar to you, but you've seen a couple of them in pictures on jake's shelves or in his phone that he showed you. the captain of the rugby team, lee heeseung, was the only one that noticed you scanning them as you walked by, earning a curious look from him before you walked away.

you saw chaerin at her locker farther down the hall, deciding to ask her if jay was at school today.

chaerin scoffed at your question, rolling her eyes and turning back to rummage through her locker for something.

"what?" you asked her, confused at her response.

"if you actually listen to me when i speak, then you'd know he wasn't here." chaerin stated, "and why do you suddenly care about my boyfriend?"

"because i'm wondering where jake is i-."

"oh of course," chaerin slams her locker door shut, "jake this, jake that, whatever! i know that you guys bonded over... whatever sleeping problems you have going on, but you didn't have to ditch me for your boyfriend or whatever. i didn't ditch you; at least i try to tell you things, but you're always caught up with jake."

"he's- he's not my boyfriend, chae."

chaerin scoffs at your response, shaking her head and looking away from you. "that's really all you got from what i just said?"

"no! i heard the rest! and i'm sorr-!"

"just leave it, y/n, i'll see you around maybe." chaerin turns on her heel and heads to class, leaving you standing alone in the hallway as the bell rings for last period to commence.

you really struggled through your last period, walking in late, earning a warning from your teacher, staring at your classmates and worrying about jake and chaerin on your mind throughout it.

as soon as the final bell rang, you went straight to jake's house. you've only been to his house once before, but you've walked him home a few times, so you knew exactly where to go. you wondered why jake hadn't answered your text all day when everything seemed fine the day before.

walking up to the house, you see a boy that you had learnt the name of through jake, park sunghoon, leaving jake's house. he looked tired and his hair which jake described as 'always had to be perfect' was messy. he sauntered down the porch steps and started walking down the street away from you, not paying attention to the Halloween decorations that people were starting to put out for the year.

you waited a minute, kicking the fallen leaves on the sidewalk before walking any closer to jake's house, contemplating whether or not you should really be doing this. but nonetheless, you walk up to the white front door of the sim house and knock.

an equally tired-looking park jay opens the door. he looks much different than how he usually portrays himself in the hallways at school and on the sports field. you almost laugh at the thought that this is what jake and you must look like to other people with his messy hair and dark circles under his eyes.

jay looks confused to see you standing there but still greets you, "hey, y/n." "hi, why weren't you at school today?" you looked up at the rugby player. "no reason, just didn't want to go." jay hated lying, and he hated people who lied. but he realized that he had been lying a lot recently, not just to other people but to himself. "is jake here?" you could hear jay's breath hitch as you asked the question he knew was coming. "um, i don't think you should see him right now. he's sleeping and was in a bad mood earlier." the silence between them was awkward and uncomfortable. you moved nervously on your feet, as if it was the first time you had ever spoken to jay all over again. still, you nodded your head, acknowldging what jay had said. jay looked over your visibly tense body. he scanned you from head to toe, watching your finger start to tap against your upper thigh. over the years, jay had come knowledgable to when someone tapped their finger against their thigh repeatedly: they needed a smoke. it was a common habit in the house he'd grown up in, "come on, let's go to the backyard."

- jay sat cross-legged, picking and playing with the leaves and grass on the ground. you lay beside him, blowing smoke rings. it was now a somewhat comfortable silence between the two, different from how it had been minutes before. you watched the mid-afternoon clouds roll against the sky in a somewhat slow manner, your smoke mixing in. "Did something happen last night with jake?" you broke the silence.

"i mean, he probably doesn't want me saying anything." you sat up as jay confessed.

"he doesn't want to see me?"

"not today, no. he's tired."

you sighed, "he's always tired."

you were sick of the game that jay was playing. you knew something happened, and you wanted to know what. your first thought was that you had said something or maybe sleeping in the same bed had triggered something in jake. if jake didn't want to be your friend anymore, he could've said it himself. you're used to people leaving.

so, you left jay playing in the grass and leaves and walked home. you held back the tears that were threatening to fall.

sim jake was now just some other person that left you behind.

but still, jake's sweet laugh echoes through your mind.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- it has been twelve days since you had last seen jake. you haven't been going to school. you don't see the point in it. the only reason why you went to school before is now gone. you don't think you could go anyways. you haven't slept for more than an hour in five days. the school has called your house to inform your mom about your absence, but it's no use because she isn't home. you've gotten used to the quietness again, and you wish you hadn't. you try to not think about jake, but you can't help imagining him lying beside you in your bed, laughing. his shaggy hair shaking with his movement and his warmth surrounding you. sometimes, you think you can really hear him calling your name, but you realize that it is just because you're sleep deprived.

today is halloween, and you knew what you would be.

you'd be alone like you have been for the past weeks.

you spend your days quietly in your quiet house. you listen to the chaos of busan from your window. most days, you smoke cigarettes and read the old poetry you found in your mother's drawers.

other days, you're in the bath, listening to the water run around you. you like to imagine then that you're starting fresh with everything. that when you get out, everything will be okay. but the only thing that will make all this okay is if jake would be there.

when you find yourself in your kitchen, you sit on the island looking out the window into the backyards of the neighbourhood. you sit there for a while sometimes and lose track of time so easily. you feel like you sit there for five minutes, but it's been an hour. everything moves by so quickly. you used to like being alone in the quiet, but now it's just so lonely.

tonight, the sky darkened quickly, and kids in Halloween costumes swarmed the streets. you kept the front porch light off, not wanting any kids to come knocking on the door. you sat on the couch, watching true romance. with the house being so still, you welcomed the company of the tv. the movie was at the part where clarence had fought alabama's pimp. his face being shown as bloody and his knuckles sore. you couldn't help but think of jake, knowing how hurt he got when his rugby team broke out into fights with the opposite teams.

when the movie ends two hours later, you fall asleep on the couch. the way you've been falling asleep recently is a lot different than how you used to. you're called up in a ball, a frown on your face. when you're actually asleep, you dream of jake for a moment.

it's always the same dream: he's alone in his room, on his bed, with an unlit cigarette in his hand. tears have been streaming down his face for hours, frustrated with himself for not being able to be who he used to be- that happy jake that everyone loved. then, you walk into his room. his face lights up automatically, and pats a spot beside him, motioning for you to sit with him. you curl yourself into jake's side, his arm over your shoulder. he lets the cigarette drop from his hand and onto his messy floor.

and then he falls asleep happily. you like that thought: the thought of how you're the only person-the only thing that can get jake to sleep with a smile on his face.

you feel wetness on your face suddenly.

"y/n? y/n!"

your eyes open, and you realize it's raining and dark outside. it feels like you have been asleep for days, but in reality, it has only been two hours. a sensation of coldness runs through your body, making you shiver.

a feeling of warmth being placed on your forearm makes you turn your head to side.

"jake?"

"are you okay?" you stare at him, not believing that after two weeks, he's standing in front of you. "come on, let's go inside." he wraps his whole body around you, trying to keep you warm from the rainy Halloween night.

-

you lay in your bed, blankets upon blankets cover you. your head is titled so you can look out the window, facing away from jake. he sits on a chair that he has brought up from downstairs.

he watches you, your eyes glowing from the streetlight through the window. the bags under your eyes have never looked worse, and he wonders how much you've slept in the past weeks.

it's been quiet for a long time between you two. jake notices that it's the same kind of quiet that's been shed through his house. his dad and jaesung are home more, but they barely talk anymore.

jay and sunghoon have been around a few times. heeseung even came with them once. jake can tell that something is wrong with them all- its like they're keeping a secret and he's the only one that's not in on it. he was still grateful that his friends came and checked up on him, but still, all he could think about what how happier he'd be if he was with you.

"how did i end up outside? how did you find me?" you finally speak, breaking the silence.

"you were standing at the corner, just staring. i saw you on my way back from the convenience store."

for the past week and a half, jake has been going to the small store late at night. he wanders the aisles, trying to find something to distract himself from thinking about you. he thinks it worked at first, picking up random chocolate bars and wondering where they had been before. Still, then he remembered he had seen you at his exact convenience store before.

it was the summer before, jay and him were there, picking out drinks that they could bring to the party with them, when the door's bell chimed, signifying that someone had come inside the store. jay was bent down, skimming over the pop flavours and reading them out to jake while he glanced over his shoulder at the door.

jake saw you start wandering the aisle by the cash register, smiling at the man behind the counter. jake remembers thinking how cute your messy hair was as it wrapped around your headphones. he thought you were cute with your shaky hands reaching out to place a single chocolate bar on the counter and paying.

jay distracted him then, handing him multiple bottles of soda for him to hold. he turns around just in time to see you leave the store, your messy hair turning the corner towards your house.

jake wondered then that maybe if he hadn't met chaeyoung that night at the party, he might have thought about you again, gone back to that convenience store and seen you, ask you about what song you were listening to. maybe then he wouldn't feel as shitty as he does now.

jay told him that you haven't been going to school either, which worried him. he wanted you to get good grades and graduate. he wanted you to go to college and study psychology. he wanted you to be successful and get out of busan unlike him, who would be stuck here forever.

jake's been in your room a relentless amount of times before, but now, he's sitting in this chair as if it's his first time again. your damp hair is sprawled out around your head on your pillow, your old, wet clothes are hung up in the bathroom, and you're wearing one of jake's old shirts that he had left over on accident a few weeks ago.

"i missed you, y/n."

jake smiles, the same pretty smile that you've gotten used to. it makes your chest hurt at the thought of how much you've missed it.

"did you?"

jake nods, "i thought about you a lot, and i'm sorry we had to stop talking for a bit."

it's silent in the room again until you throw open your blanket on one side, patting the spot next to you. "it's okay."

jake slides into bed next to you, covering his body up and now laying so your arms were brushing against each other.

jake closes his eyes, and you imagine that he's thinking about what it would be like if they had never stopped talking. how close would they be now? how many more inside jokes and songs would they have known?

"i'm really sorry though, i am. i just-." jake pauses, making you turn your head to you're looking at each other. "i had some shit to deal with, and i didn't want to bring you into it."

your faces are close to each other as you scan the other's faces. you've been close to each other like this before, but this time it feels different. it feels like you're being sucked into each other like you're slowly being pieced together forever. you bite your lip before asking, "are you okay now?"

"yeah, i am, but i-."

"then, it's okay. and let's sleep because i'm tired, and i feel like i can actually sleep tonight."

"why tonight?"

"because you're here."

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

jake and you decide to skip school when you wake up the next day. the rain from last night has stopped and left everything dampened and feeble. it almost feels odd to be around each other again, like you're forbidden to be together, but there's nothing actually forbidding it.

jake falls into your routine almost instantly, sitting around your house in silence, but not alone anymore. you're smoking as he reads beside you; music from your mother's record player is filling the lack of conversation.

you want to ask jake what had happened exactly that made him turn away from you. you wanted to ask if it would ever happen again and if you should prepare for it. you had so many questions to ask, but you kept quiet. if he wanted to tell you, then he would. he's said he's sorry, and you aren't sure if you're just naive to believe it or not. but you do, and you're so glad he's back beside you.

you glance over at the book that jake found on the old bookshelf you have in your house. your dad used to read to you all when you were younger; he's the only one that ever kept up with the collection of books on those shelves. now, they go untouched- the first person to even look at the thing in years was jake.

he's picked up romeo and juliet, you can see the star-crossed lovers on the faded cover. the pages are yellow from the oxidation over the years- and it makes you think, when did your dad buy the book.

"why're you reading that?"

jake puts his thumb on the part of the page he was on and looks at you. "i don't know, it's good." you make a disgusted expression on your face, making him laugh. "have you ever read it?"

"no, but i know what it's about."

"okay well, i'll read it to you and then you can see what it's really about."

you shrug before bending over to the table and putting your cigarette out in the empty coffee mug. you move so that you're lying down with your head in jake's lap, romeo and juliet is just above your head as jake opens the book and begins to read where he left off.

..."my bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love as deep. the more i give to thee, the more i have, for both are infinite."...

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

walking into school for the first time in three weeks was nerve-wracking. not many people at your school knew of your existence, but the stares you received made your hands shake in your sweater's pockets. they were most likely staring because sim jake had returned too and was walking next to you, but still, their eyes never left yours.

you couldn't tell if jake was as nervous as you. you figured that jake was used to being in the spotlight. he was used to having everyone's attention on him as soon as he walked into a room. but that was before he got depressed- before the dark, twisted thoughts started seeping into his mind and made him confused about who he really was.

you feel jake's hand slip into your pocket, latching onto your hand and lacing his fingers with yours. you figured he had felt your anxious behaviour beside him; it was something you had noticed he picked up easily ever since you became friends.

there was a split of students in the hallway, everyone moving out of the way when they saw someone coming from behind them.

isa stood in the middle of the hallway in front of you and jake. her high ponytail swung down and over her shoulder as she kept an unamused expression on her face. her arms were crossed over her chest, covering the school's logo on her cheerleading uniform. her eyes scanned you and jake, leading down to where jake's hand disappeared into your pocket.

jake ripped his hand away from you, seeing how isa's eyes turned darker at the physical contact between you two. your heart clenched at the action, but you knew it was probably for the best of your and jake's lives at the moment.

"hi, jakey." isa spoke with a fake smile on her red lips. jake answered with a quiet greeting back, trying to avoid her eyes. "so, who's this?" isa looked at you, "and why are you holding her hand?"

"we're friends." jake's statement is short but to the point and for some reason it makes your chest feel empty. like there's a dreading feeling growing there, and you aren't sure when it started.

isa's face contorts into a disgusted expression as she looks at you again. this time you can tell she's judging everything about you as her eyes look you up and down, resting longer on your hair before looking back to jake. "i thought you had a better taste in friends but i guess i was wrong."

you tried to hold back your laugh at her words, looking down at your shoes and biting your lip. she was so bold, so opinionated that she obviously didn't think more about her words before she spoke.

"why is that funny?" isa speaks to you, stepping forward, so she is right in front of you. you look up at her and can only shrug. "do you agree? are you self-aware that you look like shit?" the rest of the cheerleaders laugh behind her. "do you know what concealer is? god those bags."

"chaeyoung." jake warns with frustration.

"what?" she looks away from you, "god, you need some concealer too." she shakes her head and steps back from you both, "what the fuck do you guys do together to look so awful?"

"do you have to be a piece of shit?" you all turn and see chaerin standing beside you now, an annoyed look on her face as she stares isa down.

"oh great, the school's ashtray is here." isa rolls her eyes, and the students in the hallway start laughing.

"well," chaerin starts, pulling out a cigarette and putting it in her mouth, "at least i'm not the school's slut." the laughing stopped instantly at chaerin's statement.

"me?" isa points to herself in shock, "i'm the slut? what about you? you go around fucking everything in sight!"

"you better shut your fucking mouth, isa." jay cuts in suddenly, walking in front of you all to stand before isa. "just for once, shut up." you could see chaerin go frigid as jay spoke in front of you.

"what the hell are you doing, jay?" isa asks, her arms crossing over her chest again.

"i'm obviously telling you to fuck off."

isa scoffs, "and why's that? it's not like you've ever seen jake in months. all he does is run around with those two... things." she nods her head at you and chaerin.

"because he's still my friend," jay turns and looks at jake, making eye contact with you, "they're both my friends. and she's my girlfriend," he points at chaerin, "so like i said before, shut your fucking mouth about any of them, or better yet, just shut up about everyone and mind your own business!"

the students gasped when chaerin came beside jay, wrapping their arms around each other's backs.

isa scoffs once again before looking at jake over jay's shoulder, "you're an idiot for losing me, jake, i hope you realize that." she turns on her heel and disappears down the hall, her cheerleader friends following behind her.

the bell rings to start the day of classes, making the students groan and start heading to their class. it leaves the four of you in the hallway together. all looking at each other, unsure of what to say.

it's chaerin that breaks the silence first, "i'm sorry, y/n. for our fight a few weeks ago."

"no, it's okay. you were right, i was being a bit selfish when it came to my feelings."

"no, i was being selfish. all i ever did was talk about me, i never even gave you a chance to speak or ask how you are."

"it's okay, chae, don't worry about it."

"we're still friends?" chaerin asks sheepishly, playing with her hair nervously.

"of course, we are!"

chaerin grins at you before wrapping you up in a tight hug. "good! because you're like my only friend besides him!" she points at jay, who only rolls his eyes. "and i can't believe you stood up for us! where the hell did that come from?"

"she deserved everything i said," jay explains, "i don't know why she thinks she's so above everyone." jake stays quiet beside you, both of you watching chaerin kiss jay before they say their goodbyes to you quickly, chaerin pulling jay down the hall as they giggle.

"are you okay?" jake asks you, "i'm sorry for what she said, i should've said something, but-"

"jake, it's okay, i don't care what she said about me." jake nods, kicking the floor gently with his foot. "are you okay?"

"yeah, it's just weird that that was the first time I've spoken to her since we've broken up, i guess she's still mad at me."

"she'll get over it."

jake scoffs, "yeah, and hopefully soon."

"i'll see you after school, right jakey?" you ask, mocking isa's nickname for him.

jake only nudges you before walking away with a genuine smile. you watch him disappear down a hall before you head outside. you were already late to class, so you might as well just not go,

maybe you'll go to second period.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

it rains for the majority of november. everyday jake and you share an umbrella as you walk to and from school together. he holds the umbrella so you can smoke. sometimes you hold the umbrella as jake finds a good song to put on as you share headphones.

it still rains the day that jake has somehow persuaded you to go to a party with him. he has been feeling better recently. he's still quiet at school, but he spends more time with you laughing than he does reading and listening to music in silence. his smile makes you feel better, and you wonder if he's picked up on that habit of yours like he has with your anxious tics.

the sky is dark navy blue as you walk with jake to the party. the neighbourhood has been quiet for the rest of the afternoon; the night will most likely remain just as quiet. you wish you could say the same for yourself, aware that your night will consist of loud teenagers and the bass of probably shitty music that you nor jake are very fond of.

jake holds your hand until you arrive at the party, pulling his away when you step inside lee heeseung's house. you've noticed that jake doesn't hold your hand in public like he does when you're alone, but you don't bring it up to him, knowing that you probably won't like his answer as to why he does it.

jake says he'll see you in a little bit when you both find chaerin and then he's disappearing into the crowd of people that go to your school, but you have no idea who they are.

you and chaerin are sitting on some chairs close to a window at the backdoor. you imagine that it's just you and chaerin in this house, and you're waiting for jay and jake to return for you both. you ask her about cheol, and if he still wants to join the army when he's older.

the sun officially set an hour ago, so now the backyards are only lit up by the street lamps. there are a few kids in the backyard; a couple kissing on the bench swing, two girls taking turns drinking out of a wine bottle and a boy smoking by himself in the far back corner. even though the music is loud and every now and then there is a too loud of a scream from someone, it's relaxing.

you let your mind start to wander again. it's the first time in a while that you let yourself think about deep things. it starts with your parents, your mystery brothers and then jake.

you've thought about being jealous of jake's life every now and then. you almost always get over the feeling, but it still stays in your head. it's how he's always been popular and good-looking and how he gets the prettiest girl in your school to fall for him. it's the way that he can sleep while you can only sleep for a few hours if he's the one that holds you. you've heard him talk in his sleep a few times; the mention of the word 'mom' slips out his mouth the most often, followed by jaesung's.

you're glancing around the party then, easily finding jake being the centre of attention. you watch him, feeling creepy and guilty as you do it. it's like you're watching him from a time in his life that you weren't a part of. like he doesn't know you exist, and he won't want you watching him. it's almost like you're spying on him. he's laughing, throwing his arm over some guy you've never seen before but figuring that the two of them are friends.

you're wondering then what will happen tonight. will jake realize that he misses all the parties he's always gone to? will he realize that he doesn't belong with someone like you? you wonder if he doesn't need you anymore. he has been sleeping regularly and laughing more. you wonder if the change in him after tonight will be like clockwork; inevitable and easy to happen.

"y/n," chaerin taps your shoulder, gaining your attention. the girl's black hair is braided back tonight, letting her pretty facial features be noticeable. "are you okay? you're shaking." chaerin's still been keeping an eye on you for the past month. she's also noticed that jake's been feeling better, but you seem to stay the same. the dark shades of purple under your eyes have disappeared, but she knows you still aren't up to your best point yet.

you become aware of your shaking knees and hands, making them stop at once. "yeah, i'm fine." you brush your sweaty hands against the fabric of your jeans. you glance back at jake for a second, seeing that he's already staring at you now. you aren't sure if he caught the worried look on chaerin's face for a second or your fake smile at her afterwards, but he's nodding his head at you for you to go somewhere together.

"i'm gonna go with jake for a second." chaerin nods, leaning back in her chair again and relighting her cigarette. you walk over to the front of the living room, where jake stands waiting for you.

"you wanna go outside?"

the early december air is cold on the balcony of lee heeseung's house. you and jake sit side by side on the couch, your hands brushing against each other so that you both don't want to be the first one to grab the other's hand. your hair is down and messy again, something that is unpreventable but in a pretty way. in a way that jake is sure you have no idea about, but he understands it more than anyone else ever will. from afar, they most definitely look like just friends, but up close, it's evident that there is something deeper between them in natural light.

"what's your favourite song? of all time." you have listened to the same music since you were born. you grew up listening to your dad's rock bands and your mother's classic 80s records.

"probably something by the neighbourhood. or something that would piss my parents off. they don't like my music very much."

"they don't like rock or alternative music?"

jake scoffs, shaking his head, "most definitely not; they were always the good-two-shoes type of kids in high school and college- rock music was not something they listened to." you nod your head as you listen to him. "what's your favourite song? of all time."

you think, looking up at the starry sky and imagining yourself being able to only listen to one song for the rest of your life. being able to be content with that one single song. music was something that controlled your life; you couldn't do anything without it.

"i don't know, there's so many good songs. so many songs that make me happy."

"yeah, i figured you say something like that." jake laughs, taking a sip from his red solo cup.

'what does that mean?"

"it means that i've been with you almost every day for three months; if you don't have your headphones in then, you're using that old-ass record player."

"music sounds better on that old-ass record player."

"music sounds better when you're drunk." jake tips his cup up and finishes it; you only smile in return.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

the walk back to jake's house is silent besides your few huffs of struggle from holding jake up. he's too drunk to make any real conversation at the moment. you've both been sleeping pretty well lately, considering your old sleeping habits, and you wonder how jake will sleep tonight. you hope that after tonight the way he looks at you will be the same as when he watches you smoke out the window while humming.

when they get inside jake's bedroom finally, he plops down immediately on his bed. you see that his room is still undesirably messy as if he doesn't even notice it anymore.

jake strips off his sweater so that he's in his jeans and t-shirt. his hair is just as messy as your own as he flips over onto his back. the moonlight outside is shining through his window and is the only light in his room.

you watch him from the closed door of his bedroom, like the first time she did when she came over. you've never seen jake drunk before, but you've heard stories of it. he always made being drunk sound like something fun- but the memories you have with your drunk dad are the opposite.

"you're beautiful, y/n." he smiles that pretty smile of his at you, but his eyes are more slugged than they usually are.

you only scoff in response as you make your way to his bed, grabbing his duvet so pull it over him.

"do you not believe me?"

"not really, no." you said, tucking in the blanket,

"you are, though, so, so beautiful." jake closes his eyes then, and you're staring at him in the moonlight, taking in his cheekbones and heart-shaped lips. you want to tell him that he's beautiful, too.

"you're drunk." you stand up away from him. "i'm gonna go home so I'll see you tomorrow if you're not too hung over."

"don't go, y/n." you turn and stare at him, his eyes looking worried as your hand rests on the doorknob. "just spend the night, you know we sleep better when we're together."

you sigh and think about it; you've never slept over at jake's before. he smiles at you from his pillow when you're standing over his bed again, untucking the blanket you had just tucked. you're slipping in carefully beside him, his cologne engulfing you. jake tucks your hair behind your ear, moving it away from his face so he can see you.

"thank you." jake whispers out as if it was some sort of secret that no one else could hear.

you chuckle, "you don't have to thank me."

"yeah i do," jake nustles his face into your shoulder, "you're the reason i'm happy."

you try to think of a response, feeling your heart beat faster at the spoken words you had only imagined him saying before. before you can think of anything, you hear his soft breaths in your ear, his body going limp beside you as he starts to sleep peacefully.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

jake wakes up in the morning with a headache. the night before was the first time that he had drank in months, and he had drunk a lot. all he can think about when he wakes up is how thirsty he is, he needs an advil and where are you.

he reaches down on the floor beside his bed to grab his sweater that he had thrown off the night before, getting easily frustrated when he can't find it, forcing himself to sit up and look. he's taken aback a bit when he sees that his room doesn't even look like his room anymore. it's not necessarily clean, but the garbage and clothes all over the floor are gone, and his desk is tidy of any papers and pens thrown on it. he instantly knows that you did it; no one else would.

jake walks downstairs and finds you sitting at the table with jaesung and his dad. they're smiling as they talk to you. it brings jake a sense of something he's never felt before. he can't help but compare them to when they had first met chaeyoung. they weren't as happy to see her, they didn't like the way she acted or spoke or 'bossed' jake around.

the creaking on the floor under jake's feet made them turn and look at him, their smiles growing bigger when they saw him. "hey." they greeted him back, asking him how he slept.

jake stood beside you, and you stared up at him, "i'm gonna go now, soobin texted me, and he wants me home."

"okay, do you want me to walk with you?"

"no, i'm okay." you head towards the door, saying bye to jaesung and his dad. jake leans on the wall and watches you put your shoes and jacket on before opening his front door for you.

"thanks for getting me home safe and cleaning my room." jake smiles softly, almost like he's embarrassed to say thank you now.

"it's no problem." you step out onto his porch, "i'll see you tomorrow at school?"

"yeah, tomorrow, be safe, y/n."

"i will." you turn and start to go down the stairs of the porch until he calls your name once again. "yeah?"

jake scratches the back of his neck, "i uh, i meant what i said last night." you tilt your head at his words, "the uh, i think you're beautiful, and you make me happy, i wasn't just drunk and saying shit out of my ass."

you smile up at him, "okay." you nod, "i'll see you tomorrow, j. have a good sleep tonight."

"you too."

jake closes the door then, taking a deep breath for no reason in particular. he wonders how he will sleep tonight now that you're physically gone because he knows you'll be taking up his mind.

-

your mother is already home when you get home, and she is not in a good mood. you can tell how she is as soon as you get in the door; she's sitting at the kitchen table with her hand on her forehead, pushing back her hair. soobin is sitting beside, leaning back in the chair and looking like he wishes he could be anywhere but there.

they both look up when you close the front door. your mother looks like how she always does; angry but pretty.

"where have you been?" your mom asks, "i got home last night, and neither of you were here. Do you even live here when i'm gone?"

"i was at a friend's house, i slept over." you shrug off your jacket and hang it up, trying to avoid your mother's angry gaze. you glance at soobin who is picking at a loose thread on his sweater. you stand beside the table, looking down at both of them now.

"which friend is this?" your mom turns her nose up at you, "because you smell of men's cologne and cigarettes."

"jake."

"a boy? you slept over at a boys' house?" you mom exclaims, shock on her face. "were his parents home?"

you hold back a scoff at her questions, choosing to look away at the floor. "y/n, i'm talking to you." you look up at your mom with a bored expression on your face. "are you going to answer?"

"why do you care if his parents were home? it's not even like you're home or even a parent at this point." you see soobin look away with a grin on his face, knowing that your words were true and wishing that he could say the same thing.

"i'm not a parent? then who raised you?"

"soobin, yeonjun, dad."

your mother sighs at the mention of your father but chose to not comment on it like she can't even say his name for some reason. "has anyone even heard from yeonjun?" when it stays silent, your mom only sighs again. "well can you try to contact him, please? because i want him to know, i won't be here for christmas."

"you what?" you and soobin exclaim but not moving.

"some coworkers and i need to go to cuba during that week to sort out a few details about a business plan."

"so you're going on vacation on christmas?" soobin deadpans, shaking his head at your mother.

"no, i'm going on a business trip."

"in cuba." you point out.

"for a week." soobin adds on. "why can't you just leave after christmas?"

"because we need to leave on the 22nd." your mother shakes her head before standing up. it remains silent as she gathers her suitcase and jacket. "well, this is not how i expected to spend my day off. i wanted to come home to a house full of my kids and spend some quality time together, but instead, no one's home, and we fight! so thanks a lot!" your mother sighs, rubbing her forehead again because she's angry, "I'll see you later in the week. Hopefully, you'll be home then." she opens the front door, "and please, find yeonjun!"

your mom leaves you and soobin in the silence both of you have gotten used to. soobin avoids the silence at most times, spending nights at his friends' houses, his college or at his girlfriends' house. you're stuck in this house for another year; at least for some of it, you'll get to be with jake.

you don't exchange any words with soobin as he starts to get ready to leave the house for the day, not bothering to tell you where he's going because you're already making your way up the stairs to your bedroom, trying to process the idea of spending christmas alone. the only reason your brothers came home for christmas morning was so that your mother was happy- but now she's not coming, so it'll just be you alone in this sickly quiet house.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

you're used to spending the first days of winter vacation alone. your house is not only quiet during those days, but it gets extremely cold. you start this year's winter vacation the same way. you drink a cup of coffee, listen to your mom's classic records and take a bath.

you must take a bath during this time of year- it's become almost traditional for you. they make you feel cleaner and ready for the cold busan day.

after your bath, you usually sit on the couch, waiting for the day to be over so you can do your whole morning routine over again tomorrow until the day your brothers and mom come home.

this year, it's different. after your traditional bath, you smoke around the house, waiting for jake to come over. it's become traditional itself- the way you and jake lounge around your bedroom as if it's a vacation just for you. both of you take short naps together throughout the day, knowing that it will just mess up your sleep schedule by the time school starts up again in two weeks.

today, jake comes over while he's hungover. you smile at him as soon as he comes in, picking up on how his eyes are squinting from the sunlight reflecting off the snow outside.

jake's gotten used to the little routine you two have going on. it feels familiar and good. he's likes coming over to you sitting on the couch with wet hair, wearing one of his or your dad's shirts.

jake mumbles something to you about wanting to lay in your bed upstairs, away from all the windows down here that bring in all the sunlight that 'kill his head.' you follow him up your stairs as if he's showing you his house instead and plops down on your bed with a sigh of relief. he moves over, so he's against the wall, making room for you.

jake and you lay beside each other; he's telling you about the party he went to last night for park sunghoon's birthday a few days ago. he tells you he didn't plan on drinking that much, but sunghoon always convinces him to drink more. you stop responding to him after a while, getting lost in your thoughts. the thoughts about what jake does when he's drunk, and you're not around.

"what're you thinking about?" jake asks suddenly, putting his hand over yours to stop them from shaking, another habit he's picked up on.

"nothing." you shrug because it really is nothing; the things you think about you don't even know if they are true or not.

"no, tell me." jake moves over so he's on his side facing you now. "i know when something's bothering you, so just tell me."

"how were all the pretty girls at the party?"

jake scoffs at your question, turning his head to look at the window before looking at you again. "are you being serious?"

"yeah, i am."

jake stares at you for a moment, in disbelief at your question, "none of them were as pretty as you." you could only look up at your ceiling, not having enough courage to look at the boy beside you.

jake thinks ever since he met you, you've been insecure about how you look. and it's just something he's never understood. he thinks you're the prettiest girl he's ever seen. he wishes he could tell you that more, but every time he does compliment you, you just ignore him or change the subject. he wishes you could see just how pretty you were.

jake reached out and put his hand on your chin, pulling your face so you could look at him, "i mean it. you're the prettiest girl there is, and i wish you were at the party with me last night- it would've been more fun with you."

you shake your head, "no, i would've made it more boring by complaining about the music choice."

jake laughs before going back to being serious, "you're pretty." he can tell you're about to shake your head no again, so he decides to stop you.

his grip on your chin tightens as he leans over and presses his lips to yours.

it's a quick, soft kiss- a peck- and you barely feel it.

"you're pretty."

"j, i-." you're about to disagree again when he pulls you into a kiss again. this one longer, you could feel his heart-shaped lips against yours as you closed your eyes and relaxed.

"say you're pretty."

you pause for a moment, "i'm pretty." you sigh, making jake laugh as you shyly smile.

"say it like you mean it."

you pause again before stating, "i'm pretty."

jake hums in approval, "that's a good girl." he leans in for a kiss again, his hand dropping from your face to play iwth the string of your old sweatpants. when he pulls away again you both look down at where his hand is laying against your abdomen. "can i show you how pretty you are?"

you immediately nod, making jake chuckle softly before he unties your sweatpants and slippin his hands in over your panties. if it wasn't jake beside you, you think you'd be more embarrassed that you're wearing the purple cotton panties you've owned for maybe four years. but with jake, it's comfortable, and you know he won't think anything different of you as fingers slide over the cotton fabric.

you feel like you and jake had talked about everything except your guys' sexual history. it was a topic that you had thought about asking each other but never had the courage to actually ask. "have you ever done something before?" jake asks you, his lips pressing softly into your cheek and down your jaw.

"yeah," you sigh out, trying to suppress the urge to moan at the way his fingers started pressing harder into your clit over your panties. "b-but, it's been- a while." you feel jake smile into your neck at your confession.

"that's okay, baby, we can go slow." you nod in response to him.

jake slips his fingers into your panties, his fingers meeting your core finally. you're so wet for him, his fingers easily running through your slit. he presses into your clit, circling it with his index finger slowly.

"it kills me that you think you aren't pretty." jake confesses now, biting softly on your neck. "i wish you could see how i see you."

"no one-" you suppress a moan again, "no one's ever called me pretty before-you."

jake starts to slip his index finger into your core, feeling your walls clench around it. "it's probably because you intimidate everyone with how pretty you are," you can hear the teasing tone in his voice, "you intimidated me when i first saw you."

he pushes another finger into your core, his fingers reaching deep inside you, feeling all your walls as he curls them upwards.

you almost snort at his confession, "you thought i was intimidating when i- i, bumped into you and my phone went a-across the floor?" your voice was becoming high-pitched when you spoke.

you felt jake shake his head at you, "no, i thought you were pretty when you walked into the convenience store with your messy hair and eye bags." he spoke between each suck and nip at your neck, surely leaving some marks for others to see.

"when- was that?"

"over a year ago." jake shrugs casually as if he isn't knuckles deep inside of you. "i've thought you were pretty for a while y/n, god you even feel pretty; you're so tight around my fingers."

"please," you moaned out, not sure what you were being so polite about as his thumb started rubbing your clit.

you groan and start rocking your hips against his fingers. his fingers start to pump faster in and out of you, creating a pleasant burn up in your stomach.

his thumb continues to rub along your clit, his other hand playing softly with your hair on the pillow. his lips continue to kiss down your neck, his lips circling your collarbones.

"oh god," your hand flies down and holds onto his wrist, your head tips bakfc, your eyes meeting jakes as he looks down at you with a smirk on his face. "i'm gonna cum, jake." his fingers on your clit start to speed up.

"go on, baby, cum all over my fingers, i've been wanting you to for so long." he confesses once again, leaning down and kissing you as your body starts to go rigid from your orgasm hitting. your eyes flutter shut as your grip on his hand tightens.

jake slowly eases his fingers out of you, not wanting to overstimulate you. you watch as he puts his soaked fingers into his mouth, humming at the taste of you. "fuck, just as good as i imagined."

"that's so embarrassing," you whine, taking his fingers out of his mouth.

"what is?" jake laughs, playing with the string of your sweatpants again.

"i didn't know you saw me at the convenience store for the first time." jake laughs into your neck, kissing it once more before pulling away from you.

"well you looked pretty so it doesn't matter." you roll your eyes at him before rolling over so you can face him.

his hand is still playing with your hair, relaxing you. you feel like you could fall asleep and stay asleep for a while with how content you are in that moment.

"what are you doing on christmas?" jake asks suddenly, making you sigh at the mention of the holiday.

"i'll probably be watching re-runs of the same shitty christmas movies downstairs."

"with who?"

"no one."

jake sits up at your words. "what do you mean, no one?"

you roll onto your back again to look up at his shocked expression. you feel embarrassed to explain to him about your mom's actions. jake knows the basic knowledge about your dad, small stuff that you've brought up in passing, but you never speak about your mom. "my mom's going to be in cuba on christmas, i mean, she's in cuba right now and won't be back for a week, so."

"cuba?" jake asks you, "why is she in cuba?"

"a work vacation."

"where are your brothers going to be?"

"they only really come by on christmas to see my mom, so now that she's not coming i most likely won't see them."

"well you're coming to my house on christmas then."

you sit up at his offer, facing him, "jake no, i can't! it's like a family holiday, i can't be there!"

"yes, you can and you will! jae and my dad love you anyway."

you sigh, "i'll think about it."

"great!' jake leans over and kisses you quickly- like it's becoming a habit already and it scares the both of you in the best way possible.

"what..." you start, a quesiton coming to your mind before you're pushing it away.

"what?' jake asks, nudging you, "just say it! we've been through this before, i can obviously tell that there's something you're thinking about."

you pause, trying to think of the proper way to say it before you're turning towards the smiling boy, "what about, your mom? you never mention her, so, i'm just... curious."

jake's smile drops at your question, clearly not expecting the sudden mention of his mother. he lays back down then, his back flat on your bed, as his head lands on one of your pillows. you lay down with him, turning on your side to watch him. you're about to apologize for bringing it up, ready to reprimand yourself for not staying out of other peoples' business.

"my mom died," jake pauses to think for second, "three years ago now."

your reach your hand over and grab his. you've seen jake in tired states, sad states and angry states, but never like this. he looks like he's about to burst into tears and never stop. "i'm sorry, j." is all you can say to him.

"it's okay, you didn't know."

"how did she pass?"

"in a car accident, some drunk driver- both of them died."

"god, i'm so sorry jake." jake grabs onto your hand tigher, looking at you with a solemn smile.

"it's okay, really. i'm glad you know now, i like telling you things, even if they are shitty like this."

you two fall into silence again, your room becoming peaceful again. you can hear the winter wind pick up outside as the late afternoon glow fades from your room. You try to think about jake as much as you can before sleep seeps into you, taking over you and jake as your calm breaths mix together and your hands hold you together.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

jake wakes up beside you with a quick jolt. he hasn't woken up like this in a few weeks now. he can feel his heartbeat start to pick up, and his breaths become uneven. he wants to reach out to you and wake you up, tell you that he's panicking, but he doesn't- he can't.

he can't tell you that he's panicking because of you. his emotions are becoming too much for him that he can't be here anymore. he somehow barely manages to get off of your bed without waking you and slip out your front door.

he doesn't know what time it is, but he figures it's late with how quiet the busan neighbourhood is. there's a fresh layer of snow on the ground, and he can see his rigid breath in front of him in the air. his jacket his zipped up to his chin as he started to walk. he doesn't know exactly where he is walking until he's standing in front of lee heeseung's door and knocking.

heeseung opens the door with a tired-looking expression on his face- as if he had just woken up. his faded pink hair is standing up a bit as he looks at obviously panicked jake in front of him.

"dude, what's wrong?"

"can i come in?"

heeseung opens the door wider instantly, letting his friend in from the cold, winter night.

heeseung sits jake down in his bedroom. jake had been to heeseung's house multiple times before. he looked up to heeseung in a way he's never looked up to anyone before. he was the captain of the majority of the sports teams at their school, he's someone everyone can rely on, and jake's grateful he had someone like that at one point.

jake's sitting at heeseung's desk as heeseung is leaning against the wall on his bed. jake's looking around heeseung's room; it's been a while since he's been in heeseung's room. it looks different and cleaner, and there are pictures missing from the walls and books missing from the shelves. he notices the boxes packed on top of each other in one corner.

"i'm packing for college, i know we have some months left, but i want to get it out of the way," heeseung speaks quietly, noticing the way jake's staring at the brown boxes. jake can only nod at his friends' words, too much on his mind to try to make conversation. "so, are you gonna tell me why you showed up at my house at 11pm or are we just gonna keep sitting in silence?"

jake almost laughs at heeseung, the way he usually does, but he can't seem to make any noise or movement come out, "i've been talking to this girl."

"y/l/n y/n." jake jolts at how your name comes out of heeseung's mouth so instinctively. "what? everyone knows you're close with her now."

"right," jake nodded, remembering isa's standoff with you, chaerin and jay a month ago. "well, i fingered her."

heeseung scoffs and closes his eyes for a moment, trying to not laugh at the way his friend is obviously not thinking straight at the moment, "okay, and?"

"and then i told her my mom's dead.'"

"did you tell her that you're mom's dead before or after she came?"

"after." jake stated, "god, obviously after."

heeseung put his hands up in defence. "so then what?"

jake paused and thought about it for a moment, "and then i woke up not being able to breathe, and that's happened a few times before, but it's never happened because of y/n, and now i'm here because i didn't want to go home because then i'd think of my mom and i couldn't stay at y/n's because then i'd think of y/n." jake rambled on, heeseung only nodding along as he let his friend rant to him.

it was silent between the two teenage boys, heeseung trying to think of a way to help his friend while jake was thinking of you. heeseung and jake had been friends since year 9, both loving sports. it was obvious then that they had a lot in common when it came to almost everything, and it was obvious now how much they had slowly started to lose everything they had in common.

heeseung still loved playing sports and hoped to go professional once they graduated in a few months. everyone knew jake didn't want to do that- jake hated sports now and only continued on this year because he felt like he had to.

still, they had so many memories together that they remained friends, and heeseung wanted to help his friend at the very moment.

"so what's wrong with y/n that you panicked about her?"

"Nothing!" jake rushed out, clearing his throat before calmly continuing, "there's nothing wrong with her. i just- i don't- god hee! i don't know!" jake put his head in his hands. heeseung moved across his bed so that he was sitting closer to jake now.

"so, is there something just physical with you and her or is there, like, emotional stuff, too?" heeseung asked, trying to figure out why jake was being like this.

"it's, emotional. more emotional than physical- wait no! i guess there's an equal amount of them, but still i'd rather listen to her favourite songs with her and read to her and make her laugh than shove my dick down her throat. but i wanna do that with her too! but i'd take listening to her talk about her favourite songs than a blowjob. i think." jake rambled on again, heeseung really trying to focus and help rather than laugh his ass off at his friend's rambling.

"so," heeseung starts, trying to process jake's words and his response, "you... love her?"

"what?" jake gasps, looking up from the floor at his friend.

"shh," heeseung slaps jake's shoulder, "you're gonna wake up my parents. Be quiet!"

jake brushed his hair away from his face, "i- i don't know if i love her."

heeseung almost laughs at his friend again, "did you hear what you just said about her?"

jake thought about his rambled confession he just told heeseung, thinking about how he had described you.

"you love her, jake." heeseung repeated, noticing the look of realization slowly creep onto jake's face. "and you're panicking because you've never loved someone before; it's obvious, man."

"holy shit," jake sat back in his chair as he processes his feelings.

heeseung sighed out of relief, laying back onto his elbows on his bed, "great! now go tell her that! tell her everything you just told me!' heeseung pointed to his bedroom door, "well, maybe leave out the blowjob part- and the shoving your dick down her throat part."

"i can't go back!" jake yelled before getting slapped by heeseung again to be quiet.

"and why not?"

"because- because, i don't know! what if she doesn't love me?"

"well, then i guess you'll come running back here, so i'll keep my front door unlocked for you." jake turned and looked at his friend, that had a smug look on his face, "go!"

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

you had woken up maybe ten minutes after jake had left. you woke up to a cold bed, and an empty feeling started to grow in your chest. you sat up in your bed when you realized he wasn't in your room or your quiet house. the snow was picking up and covering your window, blocking the moonlight from entering your bedroom.

you brought your knees to your chest, playing with the bottoms of your sweatpants by your ankles. you weren't necessarily surprised that jake had left. he had sleeping problems of his own, and plus, you were used to everyone in your life leaving you.

it felt like he was just another one of those people again. of course, jake and you had gone through three weeks of not speaking before- but this time really hurt. at this point, you were aware of your feelings for jake. they weren't covered up in a friendship like the first time he had left you.

your feelings were clear to you- and maybe not (definitely not) to jake.

you sat your elbows up on your window sill, lighting a cigarette, trying to relax from the anxiety creeping up into your chest. you exhaled the smoke as you tried to find the perfect print of a snowflake on your window. you thought then that you would be spending christmas alone now after all.

it soon felt like you were going into a haze of sleep deprivation, anxiety and nicotine. the coldness seeping through your window is the only thing to comfort you and your mind into reality. you closed your eyes for a moment, resting your head on the window sill as the cigarette in your hand burnt out.

your thoughts were filled with jake and you. your imagined future crumbling down. your past together meant nothing to him as you thought about all the times you had shared your headphones, listened to him read and made each other laugh.

you seem to be reliving your past mentally, and you're stuck in it, trying to remember it all because, for a moment, it felt like that was the only thing you were going to have left with sim jake. your bedroom gets darker as the late night passes, the smell of smoke fading out from your room. and then you are woken up from the long dream you were living in for a moment, and you feel a tear slip down your cheek.

"y/n?"

it's his voice. it feels like you're still dreaming with the way it sounds. like you're memories, and sleep deprivation are playing a trick on you.

"y/n are you awake? i'm fucking cold."

and then he's silent again, the snow and wind outside being the only sound. his voice is coming from your bedroom door behind you.

when you speak again, your voice is softer than you remember.

"jake?" he doesn't answer. "jake, are you..."

"what're you doing?" his voice becomes clearer, and it becomes evident that he's right behind you and you aren't having some sick dream.

"say my name again, please?"

jake's quiet for a moment as he stares at your slumped-over body on your window sill, and then he carefully whispers to you, like he doesn't want to wake you after you have just fallen asleep,

"y/n."

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- - - -- -- -- -- --

jake crawled into bed with you afterwards, wrapping his arms around you from behind and pulling you down onto the bed with him carefully like you were going to break.

"where were you?" you ask, facing away from him as you let your body sink into his from behind you.

"i went to heeseung's for a second, i'm sorry. he kissed the back of your head, "i'm sorry i didn't mean to upset you." he kissed your head again, his arms tightening around you as if he was scared you were going to run away from him.

"i thought-" you tried to control your breathing, wiping away the tears falling down your face quietly, "i thought you had left me again- thought you weren't going to see me again."

"no no," jake shushed you, putting his head on your shoulder from behind, "i'm sorry, baby, i won't leave you again. i mean it."

"really?" you manage to ask out, your breathing coming back to a normal pace when you realize everything is okay still.

"yeah," jake states before pausing, "i love you."

and the words ring out into your quiet bedroom and ring around the walls until you're turning to look at him over your shoulder. he looks frightened but sure of himself at the same time. you can hear him harshly swallow as he looks at you, trying to figure out what you're thinking.

"you love me?"

"yes." jake quickly answers you, "a lot. and everything about you. and i've never loved someone before, but i know i love you. i don't want to be without you in this life- and i mean that." his grasp on you loosens as you turn to face him.

"i love you."

jake grabs your face, pulling your lips to his for the tenth time that day. both of you feel like you could never get tired of just kissing each other like this.

"fuck, i love you." jake grumbles out against your lips before kissing your again passionately.

"i've loved you for a long time, i don't think i've noticed until recently." you confess, pulling away from him. "i've never loved anyone before either, but i know i'll love you forever if you let me."

jake smiles at you, pulling you into kissing him once more. your hips instinctively grind into his, unable to stop the way he's making you feel at the moment. you've never felt so loved before by a single kiss.

your kiss turns into a loving and lustful one quickly. your hands running through his shaggy, brown hair that you've come to love.

"you don't know what you do to me, baby." jake mutters, his hand leaving your jaw and roaming down your side to rest on your hip.

you chuckle as your hands slide in between you two, going under his shirt and lifting it over his body. your eyes travel over his skin, loving how it looks and feels. so many pretty moles to memorize as you kiss his collarbones.

you roll over so that you are on top of him now. jake pulled you closer and started leaving wet kisses over the hickeys he had given you earlier. you couldn't stop the low moans leaving your lips as you started to grind down onto his bulge.

you both felt rushed but knew you had all the time in the world at that very moment. your hands started to travel down his stomach to where his sweatpants were loosened on his hips. he smiled against your skin.

jake's hands travelled underneath your hoodie, pulling it off to reveal your breasts. his hands instantly cupped them, tweaking your nipples as you arched your back into him.

"are you wet again for me, baby?" jake asks with a smirk. one of his hands slipped into your panties like he did earlier, this time more confidently as he knew your body enough already.

you bucked your hips in pleasure as he started to thumb quickly at your clit again. your body is still sensitive from earlier.

"j-jake." you whimpered out to him, arching your back.

you whined when he slipped his hands out of your panties.

"i want you to come on my dick this time, baby." jake explains to you, kissing you before flipping you over so that you are on your back. jake slides your sweatpants and panties off, and you hear his gasp as his eyes meet your fully bare body. he's almost unable to stop staring at you before you remind him to take off his pants.

you wrap your arms around his neck as you feel his hard cock start brushing against your wet entrance. you instantly let out a moan as he enters you. jake feels his eyes roll back at the feeling of your bare walls on his cock. he pushes deep inside of you, making both of you have laboured breathing already.

"you feel so good, jake."

"yeah, feels like i was fuckin' made for you." jake starts to thrust into you with a steady pace. his eyes never left you, wanting to see how you reacted to him fucking you.

"fuck!" you gasped once he hit a certain spot, your voice going into a higher pitch. you grasped onto his arm when jake started to fuck into your faster, hitting your newly found sweet spot every time.

you looked so pretty wrapped around his cock that he didn't know how much longer he could go with you tightening so well around him. he's thought about this for so long- he just wants to be as close to you as possible.

"jake." you moaned out his name. you clenched around him as his thumb started to circle your clit again. he started to thrust deeper and faster at the same time, allowing you to feel every inch of his cock.

"are you gonna cum for me, y/n?" jake moans out your name as well.

"y-yes! god, jake." you intertwined your hands with his, coming on his hard dick with a loud moan. jake couldn't hold back as he felt you soak his dick- his own cum releasing into you at the same time.

"f-fuck." jake groaned out into your skin.

both of your hairs' were messy as jake pulled out of you, watching the way his cum dripped out of you, leaking onto your bed.

he ran his fingers through his sweaty hair, a smile on his lips as he looked at your fucked out expression. "fuck, baby, you're so good. so pretty, too." his hand was still holding onto yours as you both looked down at your ruined legs.

"you're cleaning it up," you spoke out, your head falling back down onto your pillow- sleeping wanting to fill your body for the first time in months from pure exhaustion.

"of course, baby." jake smiled as he kissed your forehead, letting go of your hand to go to the bathroom to get a warm towel for you.

you felt jake clean you up and wipe your sheets before laying down beside you again, pulling your blanket up and over you before lacing your hands together- falling asleep in perfect contentment- knowing that when you both wake you'll be happy.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

jake asked you to be his girlfriend a day later on christmas, not wanting you to feel alone on christmas ever again. he was right when he said his family loves you; they happily accepted you in with them on christmas day.

you seemingly fit in with not only his family but his rugby team members as well. officially meeting thee lee heeseung when you returned to school after winter vacation. they all seemed to love you- just like jake (and jay!) had said they would.

you and jake continued to spend your days alone in either his bedroom's, constantly finding new music to listen to together- creating new memories with all the songs. somedays, jake would make you tag along to a party with him, smoking out the window as he got shit-faced with his friends- happily knowing that you would walk him home and tuck him into bed with you afterwards.

you had always heard stories about not becoming friends with seniors when you were younger than them- and you quickly found out why you shouldn't when the last weeks of high school were approaching.

it was sad helping jake pack up all his things for college- he, like the rest of your friends, had gotten accepted to a college in seoul. you were happy for him! happier for him than he was happy for himself. he didn't want to go to college for kinesology, but he felt like that was the only thing going for him. he especially didn't want to go and leave you behind in busan.

on the day that he, jay, chaerin, sunghoon and heeseung had all planed to drive together to seoul, you presented jake with a gift.

it was a cd you had burned all your favourite songs on. because i couldn't tell you what my favourite one was, here's all of them :) - y/n

"fuck." jake said as he looked down at the cd, a warm but hurtful feeling playing along his chest before wrapping you up into a hug, "i'm gonna fucking miss you, baby."

"i'm gonna miss you."

"we're gonna call and text all the time! and i'll see you on christmas break!" jake reminded you and himself, pulling you into a passionate kiss before sunghoon honked the horn of their van to tell jake to hurry up.

"get in the car or be ditched forever!" sunghoon yelled out the window, "some of us haven't had our first love yet and want to get on the road to meet their first love!"

you laugh into jake's lips as you pull away from each other.

"i love you." jake says sadly, scanning your face quickly as if he's gonna forget it as soon as he turns around.

"i love you."

sunghoon honked the horn again, "come on!"

jake and you let go of each other's hands sadly, watching as jake got in the car, waving goodbye to them all as they drove off down the street- leaving you alone in god forbidden busan.

and you've always hated busan.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

your insomnia got worse than ever before when jake left. it was something you couldn't deal with anymore. you had to stop going to school in fear of hurting yourself accidentally by the lack of sleep you were having.

you had started tossing and turning in your twenty-minute sleep so much that you were waking up with bruises all over your legs and arms. you continuously had nightmares about jake- and how he's going to leave you.

the long-distance relationship worked between you and jake for the first few months. you celebrated your one-year anniversary together on christmas- buying each other matching headphones.

you continuously told each other that you loved each other- everyday over text. even if you hadn't spoken during the day, you could always count on him for texting you those three words.

you think now that, over time, you had lost the meaning of those three words with jake. you used them so much that both of you didn't even realize when you stopped loving each other.

you think you noticed it first on valentine's day after your one year anniversary. when it took jake all day to call you and say he loves you. jake got busy with school- and he got depressed about school. he told you a little bit about how he was feeling a first- how he hated the classes but needed this degree so he could get some sort of job.

after a while, it felt like neither of you knew anything about what was happening in the other's lives. you only knew the shell of the people you use to be and knew that you should say 'i love you' to each other.

your breakup happened not long after valentine's day- when he had forgotten your birthday. it had been a week or two since you had even spoken on the phone with each other- forgetting each other's voices at that point.

it felt like your heart was being ripped in half when the clock hit midnight for the next day to begin, your birthday finishes and not a single call or text from jake had appeared.

you waited three days for a frantic spree of texts to be sent, saying how he's sorry and that he loves you, he's sending you a present right now and so on.

you didn't respond to any of them.

he called and called for a week, finally giving up when you hadn't answered after the 100th time.

jake ❤️ : i'll get you out of busan y/n, i swear i'm sorry. i love you

you didn't answer that text either, and ended up blocking your first love.

when you graduated a few months after your first-ever breakup, you went to seoul for college. soobin helped pack up your things and sent you on your way by train. you could tell that soobin was a bit sad to see you go- but at least he'd have the house to himself for once.

it took three days before you saw someone you recognized on your school's campus; park chaerin.

you hadn't really spoken to her since jake, and you had broken up. over time, she had become more of jake's friend than your own.

"holy shit." chaerin said as she saw you standing in front of her in front of the school's fountain. she looked like she had seen a ghost. "y/n! what the hell are you doing here?" she wrapped you up into a hug; she tried to ignore the eye bags under your eyes and the awful paleness of your skin.

"i got accepted here, so, yeah." you sheepishly responded.

"holy shit." another voice spoke out behind chaerin, jay and heeseung stood there, their jaw almost on the floor when they saw you. they ran and hugged you as well- jay lifting you off the ground before placing you back down.

after a few minutes of catching up, you asked the question everyone knew was coming, "so uh, is jake, around?' you asked them, your hands shaking on your sides and you knew if jake saw you he'd know you were about to pass out from anxiousness.

"uh, no." chaerin spoke carefully, "he dropped out a few weeks ago."

"he said he was going to busan." heeseung added.

"busan? when?"

"three days ago."

"three days ago?!" you yell out, the noise from the fountain not making your voice too loud.

you groaned when you saw them all nod in agreement. you put your hand on your forehead with a sigh of frustration and anger filling your body.

of course, you had to leave cities at the same time.

-

jake knocked on your door three days before that day, anxiousness filling his body at the thought of seeing you again after seven months. he wondered the whole train ride back to his hometown how you would react when you saw him standing on your front porch. he thought maybe you'd punch him, yell at him, or simply not open the door.

he was not expecting a pissed off soobin to answer the door instead.

"what the fuck do you want?" soobin grunted out to him.

"uh, is y/n here?"

"nope." soobin said curtly, looking at jake as if he was ready to close the door on his face already.

"where is she?"

"seoul."

"seoul?! why?!"

soobin shrugged, "couldn't stand to be in busan anymore."

jake rubbed at his face in shock, not believing his luck.

"is there anything else you want to know?" soobin asked the younger boy. jake only shook his head no, "great."

soobin slammed the door in his face.

the last time you saw sim jake was four years ago. when he kissed you goodbye on new years and told you he'd see you that summer.

he did not see you that summer.

none of you had known where sim jake had gone after he left seoul. you had all figured he went to busan, but none of your friends that had stayed in your hometown had seen him.

you ended up staying in seoul for four years to finish up your music production degree at college. it had taken a lot from you, physically and mentally. your insomnia had gotten better over time, but you had started using your restless nights as a way to be productive and get your shit together instead of smoking your nights away.

during your years at college, you had stopped being friends with anyone you had been friends with in high school. you had all fallen out of touch with each other- none of you realize that the only person that kept you together was jake.

the last time you had seen park chaerin was across the cafeteria during your third year at college. she had grown out of her 'gothic' phase of dressing and makeup style, looking more mature instead. apparently, her and jay had stayed together- they graduated together, but you haven't seen them since then.

lee heeseung dropped out of college during his second year- only six months of his first year. he had a major opportunity to play football in america, so he took it in a heartbeat. he knocked on your dorm the night before and told you the news. he hugged you goodbye and wished you the best as he took a final look at those godforsaken purple bags under your eyes.

when you had finally graduated college- you were done with seoul as well. it felt like you just hated korea altogether- you didn't belong there- everybody and everything was the same.

you took the first job opportunity you got that wasn't in korea- but california. it was for a record label you hadn't heard of, but decided to take a chance on, maybe you could help the label a bit with your producer abilities.

it had been four years and seven months since you had seen sim jake- and you hadn't forgotten a single thing about him. he went through your mind several times a week- even when you knew he shouldn't be when you were in the middle of an exam.

it had been four years and seven months since you had seen your first love- and you were not expecting to see him on your first day at your first job in california.

sim jake still had his pretty smile and brown eyes. his shaggy brown hair was now shorter as it was slightly pushed back from his face.

you really thought you had lost your mind when you saw him- you thought that the sleep deprivation had finally caught up to you over all these years and had made you crack.

jake and you stood in front of each other down the front hall at the production company, staring in shock as you looked at one another.

"y/n?" jake asked you first, not believing himself as he said your name.

you nodded your head at him, "say my name again, please." needing to hear it again to know you weren't dreaming.

"y/n." a smile spread across your face at the sound of the familiar voice.

"you guys know each other?" the young assistant asked you both as she stood in front of you, ready to take you on a tour through the building.

"yeah." you both respond at the same time.

"oh, that's good then since you'll be working together a lot." she stated, causing you to give her a confused look, "he's the singer you'll be producing music for."

and now you're sat outside the recording booth, listening to your first love sing about you into the microphone- producing your first hit song that would only be the start of both of your careers.

a smile on your face knowing that you'll be able to sleep tonight since he'll be beside you, holding your hand.

@ taeghi, 2022. do not repost or reuse in anyway.

PLEASE REBLOG IF YOU ENJOY, AS LIKES MAKE IT HARD FOR WORK TO BE SPREAD AND ENJOYED BY OTHERS :)

stay safe everyone :)

[yanderes-galore]

Halloween request! Werehog Sonic (form Unleashed) with the prompt P-3, please?

Sure!

Prompt Found Here!

Yandere! Sonic The Werehog Prompt

(Halloween Event - Werewolf)

Pairing: Romantic/Platonic

P-3: "Did you really think I wouldn't find you?"

Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, Stalking, Hunting, Blood, Obsession, Open ended, Kidnapping implied, Eating of another person implied, Werewolves, Murder.

One of a canine's strongest senses is their sense of smell. They can remember scents if they are exposed to it often. They are also skilled hunters.

To be hunt down by a werewolf is a situation hard to escape from. With a superior sense of smell and hearing, they can easily find their prey. No matter where you hide...

"It will only be a matter of time before I find you... please, just come out."

You don't listen to the growling voice urging you to come out. Instead you stay far away from him and continue moving. Hiding from a werewolf is a nearly impossible task.

Unless you try to mask your scent, which even that is hard to do. You had nothing to do it with and strong perfumes or body spray may just draw him closer to you.

"Look, I'm sorry you had to see that. It must be scary to see your best friend turn into a beast like this-"

The voice sounds sadder and familiar, yet you continue to ignore him. Your breathing picks up softly when you hear him approach closer, you responding by keeping your distance. The moon gleams brightly above you, its light causing your distress.

You had a friend named Sonic, a sweet blue hedgehog hero. You thought he was the same friend you always knew when you met up with him again. Then, it became night.

Before your eyes Sonic became a beast. His fur a darker color, sharp teeth and fangs growing out, he also got... bigger.

He begged you not to leave. That he's sorry you had to witness this... he was no monster! Then, when you went to console him, he lunged at you.

He lunged at many near you, too. The sweet blue hero you once knew was now blood-thirsty. How could you not run?

Were you just supposed to hand yourself over after you saw him wreak chaos across this city?

"Come on, (Y/N)... I smell you're near!"

You were not going to survive the night. It certainly felt like that when the beast came closer. Claws tapped across the ground, soon you couldn't run.

A metallic scent invades your nose when Sonic comes closer. You breathed heavily, tired of running and overcome with fear. Green eyes peer around the corner before focusing on you.

Blood. Blood crusted on the fur of your friend. Such an endearing title you felt he no longer deserved.

Not with the amount of blood staining him.

He was feral. An animal created by Eggman, his worst enemy. Could anyone predict this much carnage?

"Did you really think I wouldn't find you?"

"Stay away from me- You're not right in the head right now..."

"Don't push me away, I get so wild when you're not here!"

He steps closer, cornering you.

"GO AWAY!"

"I really adore you, (Y/N)... now please, just help me."

His claws were out and mouth open wide.

"I'm sorry I have to do this. I hope you can forgive me...."

He pounces, lunging at you once again. You scream but it's cut off. Everything goes black and the night is silent....

You had no chance running from a beast that could smell you from miles away.

Even if he was once your friend.

[thecitythatdoesntsleep]

i love your nsfw stuff and even in the tame content its still so creepy. do you have any tricks for making nsfwhump or noncon more implied instead of being graphic? i know the fade-to-black premise but you always get the idea across and somehow salvage the whumpy feeling.

How to write intimate whumpers without being explicit: A guide to getting the point across but leaving out the act.

!!!Viewer discretion: Severe Content Warning!!!

Contents include expanded topics of NC, forced intimacy, manipulation, and mental conditioning. Please inspect further tags before expanding the cut.

(Tags: noncon, forced intimacy, gaslighting, mental reconditioning, mind-games, manipulation, implied torture, bondage, dirty-talk, degradation, fade to black, intimate whumper, creepy whumper, begging, threatening, obsessive whumper, toxic relationships, trauma mentions/discussion, explicit situations)

Fixed tagging/linking issue.

Non-con situations and content can be a very difficult thing to navigate, tactfully or without egregious severity. It's ultimately a very potentially triggering subject and some find it more disgusting than scary. Some blur the lines with dub-con, some hyper-focus on the full scene.

While each and every person that writes or creates content about it, does so for their own reasons and likeness, I have seen many examples and this is a subject matter that I have a gratuitous amount of experience working with.

I think there can be varying levels of how much you want to show. If you'd rather not be explicit at all, there are ways to build what I call 'the appearance' of an intimate noncon relationship: which is just using a little knowledge about perception and body language to help add to the situation.

For instance, if you want to psychologically imply that Whumper is too physically/mentally comfortable with Whumpee- here are a few shortcuts that get the point across in my opinion. Little gestures and clips of positioning that you can add to your settings to make them just a touch more dubious or predatorily lustful in nature.

I will also include a few things that can help recognize your Whumper as an intimately inclined one. A few words or thoughts about how to set the scene or embellish things to guide the reader to the feelings you want to instill. Without having to traumatize yourself or anyone involved.

I've dabbled in both explicit and non-explicit dub/non-con and I believe I have a good understanding of trying to balance both. There are ways that if the story or character progression needs it but you're not comfortable writing it in graphic detail; you can work around but get the same effect, essentially.

Whumper touching Whumpee's thigh/knee. Legs in general tend to be considered infrequent touch zones that imply an amount of intimacy on their own. Think of the last person or most common situations your legs have/are touched? How many times does someone hug your legs? Exactly my point, it's a very common part of the body that is ignored unless injured, intimate, or in combat.

Whumper being too casual about stripping them for baths, soiled clothing or hygienic purpose. Slowly taking off their clothing, doing it gently if they're otherwise rough. Clothing is like wrapping paper for bodies, if Whumper is intense about this factor, it can imply they're anticipating and fantasizing. If they're casual, it's understood that stripping happens often to Whumpee, it's a normal thing and they've definitely done it before.

Whumper staring and Whumpee feeling continuously affected by it. (Feeling pinned, trapped, held by the gaze. Following Whumper's gaze to certain parts of their body. Catching the side-ways glances at them when they are thought to be 'not looking'.)

Whumpee automatically closing their legs or adjusting a tighter posture around Whumper. Making movements if possible that create imaginary distance and protection from Whumper. Crossing arms over the chest, crossing legs, creating a barrier between them, if only in body language. Taking a step back in pace, sitting up in their chair if they'd been slouching. Some form of physically responsive tension gives insight into how cautious Whumpee is.

Whumpee is terrified in everyday situations of being restrained, not specifically from the restraints themselves. Seat-belts, heavy blankets, arms over them while they sleep, any sense of restraint making them feel powerless and triggering them. This can also expand to, of course, being physically pinned down, held, hugged, or grabbed.

Whumper skimming into the neck of their shirt while intimidating them. Or alt: dipping into the waistband of their pants while holding them. Just a slide of fingers beyond a physical boundary to push unease. Giving an indication that Whumper would or has gone further than just that covering.

Whumper deliberately whispering in Whumpee's ear and attention being drawn to how close/heated their breath is. You can set a little more mood depending on how you describe the breath. To make it uneasy, calling it sticky or humid can give an insight into the way Whumpee feels.

Whumper licking them, tasting them, biting them exct. Alt: Whumper playing with Whumpee's mouth. Grabbing their tongue, fingers into their mouth, studying, or toying with their lips or teeth. Mouths are intimate by themselves depending on the context of the situation but showing an extra layer of comfort with these things, sets up for a weird feeling. If you want to make it creepy, heavily focus on how much Whumper enjoys these things and vocalize it in the story somehow. Have them comment or narrate to Whumpee what they taste like or how good, etc.

Whumper baiting them with pushing further each time and then changing it up to confuse their internal prep time. Touching them a little more, showing a bit more intention, and then leaving them without the bait for a few days before going again. Make the first move, make the second move on Whumpee, then wait a day or two before going even further the third time. Until they're at the level of intimacy Whumper (or you) want to show.

Whumper exhibits dominance while assuming 'intimate' positions. Parting Whumpee's legs to stand or kneel between them. Grabbing their ankles while putting them into bindings or restraints. Pinning their wrists behind them and sitting on their backside to keep them from fighting. Forcing Whumpee to straddle their lap while doing something as simple as recapping their boring day.

Whumper dictating their dress, fashion, or style. Telling them what to wear, how to wear it, when they look good. Demanding a certain level of perfection. This can also include Whumper hand-dressing them to take that much more autonomy from them. Insults are still a viable way to break a Whumpee down and get in their head. Critiquing their appearance, praising it too much, both could be lethal to a Whumpee's psyche if that's the direction you want to go.

Intrusive personal hygiene is another way; Whumper forcing them to sit still while they brush their hair and fawn over it. Putting lotion on their skin, first aid, bathing them, or brushing their teeth to imply they want it fresh.

Whumper making Whumpee sit at their feet for movies or forcing them to allow an embrace/hold. Long, awkward gaps of silence where Whumper merely holds onto Whumpee. Could be painful, could be normal but Whumpee is expected and required at these times to sit still. Whumper can make it worse by petting them or repetitiously touching them in some manner. Each path could be lower or higher on Whumpee's body in such a way it makes them uncomfortably aware of their intentions.

Whumpee dreading going to go to a bedroom or Whumper's bed. Perhaps they fear all beds and prefer the floor or a chair. Signifying that bed/sleeping or personal space is fearful for Whumpee, gives a surefire way to tip-off that something is intimately askew.

Important factors that in my opinion can help separate intimate Whumpers and regular Whumpers:

Eye contact. It's personal enough that it drives a point of subtle dominance home. If Whumper is obsessive with it and Whumpee is scared of it (or afraid of not making it) that can clue in a good dynamic to build upon for an intimate Whumper.

A desire to touch Whumpee, even if it's just in thoughtful dialogue. Make effort to include how much they want to, or how much they relish in it when they do. Even if it's not an intimate situation, how heavily you focus on their attention to Whumpee's physicality can make for a nice setup or slow-burner.

Removing the typical detachment of 'it' and calling Whumpee she/he/they/them or something affectionate in nature such as pet names, pet, darling, precious, etc. Even just addressing them by their name can shed a form of attachment and or mindset for the scene and Whumper. (Alt: If you want to keep the detachment, have Whumper call them 'it' in general but call them something else when they're becoming intimate/attached. Bringing that much fear around being called anything personally driven.)

Making excuses to Whumpee as to why they're punishing or hurting them. Grandious explanations soothe Whumper's mind as they torment or punish Whumpee for their indebted crimes. Talking to Whumpee through the process of their torture is another minuscule form of intimacy that could potentially confuse and damage their relationship further. (Especially if you mix it with Whumper giving them the silent treatment or withholding sound from them, so they enjoy Whumper's narration of their pain.)

Giving Whumper a hatred for other people in Whumpee's life, circle or even distrusting their own relationships when it comes to Whumpee. The paranoia surrounding Whumpee's activities, if they've been touched, perhaps grilling them with questions if Whumper allows them to be in contact with others. This is a thin chip of obsession that if you include it right, can paint a portrait of Whumper wanting Whumpee all to themselves. (Asking questions like Who touched you? Did anyone hug you? Or even going as far as physically checking Whumpee for marks/evidence of contact while Whumpee was out of their sight.)

Whumper having more interest in their health can be a telltale sign of attraction. Keeping them from starving, dehydrating, giving them sleep at certain times. (Including Whumper addressing their appearance while doing so is added bonus: 'You're prettier when you've slept, you're starting to get too thin for my liking, your lips get dry when you're dehydrated, etc.)

Whumper focuses on intimate zones on Whumpee. Staring them in the eyes, staring at their lips or chest or backside. It's common body language to look where your mind goes or stare at someone's lips to indicate you want to kiss them. The more predatory that you include this, the higher chance the reader will clue in and unwrap the hidden desires. If it's more obvious, the more creepy Whump factor you can add with how shameless it's held. Whumper daring Whumpee to notice them staring and uncaring to how they might feel or react.

Whumper waits until Whumpee is dazed/fevered/delirious to make small gestures or passes at them. Keeping them in bed with them, touching a bit too low or too high to be right but Whumpee doesn't entirely notice. This also works if Whumpee is injured or low-powered; anything that makes them defenseless but Whumper makes it known just how defenseless they potentially are. It could form a pattern, increase in boldness each time. But Whumper only has the courage to show or do things like that to them when they have a larger chance of not remembering it.

Whumper makes hungered gestures when looking at Whumpee or looking at the damage they've caused them. Licking lips, setting jaw, biting tongue/cheek/lips, salivating. Especially if you've made them inhuman, heavily work with the tendencies that happen with hunger or cravings. You can sell a lot.

Whumper intentionally gets them messy, bloody, dismantled in some way that forces them to be close, if not have an excuse to get them naked. This could include staged accidents, spilling, anything to soil whatever Whumpee usually wears. This can also extend easily to making it extra whumpy and breaking something and roughing them up after. An excuse to bandage and care for Whumpee or at least be close enough to examine their handiwork.

Setting the scene and keeping the whump intact:

First off, you'll need to decide what your limits are going to be for your current writing. Also, decide if things will stay in the scene or if you're building up for more explicit happenings to be left up to the imagination.

If you are comfortable with more intense dialogue, I encourage everyone looking to avoid writing the full scenes, to implore it. Dialogue can create more intensive thoughts, projections, and ideas without the hard or uncomfortable work of going all out on an extensive non-con theme.

If you have no objections to 'dirty-talk' dialogue, it can do some heavy-duty work at selling the creepy/intimate factor without having to again, craft a whole scene. This can also include non-explicit but imploratory dialogue that can give a view into how deeply Whumper's intentions and obsession can go.

To give a small idea, Whumper could talk about these topics to push more distress with dialogue:

How Whumpee tastes/smells.

Narrate what they're doing to Whumpee OR what they'd like to do if they had the chance./How they're going to do what they're planning in the long term.

How Whumpee feels under their hands.

How Whumpee is reacting; shaking, trembling, making small noises.

How aroused/interested they are.

How long they've waited to do/get the chance to do something to Whumpee./How much they've looked forward to it or fantasized about it.

How 'honest' Whumpee's body is compared to their words.

What made them want to do the acts in the first place.

How they first fell in love with them.

When they first saw them/How they felt at the time of seeing Whumpee the first time.

Plans for both of them in the future sound too normal to be situationally based. Marriage, a family, buying a house, vacationing, etc. Even celebrating holidays or birthdays.

Praising or scolding them for not fighting/fighting them.

NSFW:

Telling them how tight they were when/are being fucked.

Complimenting how they look while performing a sexual act.

Describing Whumpee back to themselves in a demeaning, sexualized way; narrating their actions with degrading 'pet' names. (Slut, bitch, even more extreme like cumdump, fuckdoll, etc.)

Telling Whumpee how much they were begging for it/asking to be fucked while doing it. Demonizing their normal bodies/actions in such a way implies they've somehow led Whumper on or consented to it. Can be built up with some proper gaslighting.

Critiquing their body in such a way that it implies that they're made for taking the abuse. (Your lips were made for this, Your ass has been begging for it all night, etc.)

How much they love hearing Whumpee's moans and cries of pain and pleasure.

Pointing out how much Whumpee clings or tries to escape/hide from the acts and sensations. Lamenting about how sensitive/unused to the pleasure they are.

Telling them they have no intention of stopping until Whumper is satisfied or talking about how long/much they have to look forward to.

Informing Whumpee how often they'll be fucked/how normal the act will become or has become.

Once you've figured out how far you want to go, what your limits are, and if you want to rely on heavier dialogue for context; the next thing I encourage is to work with whichever side you want to be the most powerful.

If you focus on the Whumper, dialogue, inner thought process and mentality all play big roles in the display I feel. You can get across a lot of intent and cut corners by how much you have Whumper obsess with the thought of the things they want to inflict on Whumpee. If you have them thinking about it, showing physical signs of it (blush/flush, dilated pupils, quick heart rate, physical genitalia ques, etc.) there is a better impact in my opinion no matter how much you cut out.

If Whumper is hyper-focused, soaking in every detail and outer projection Whumpee gives them, it's going to paint a picture of how much Whumper wants them. How far they are willing to go to get those reactions, how much they want to see come out of Whumpee. Giving Whumper a finely tuned sense for Whumpee and a vice for reveling in their physical pains and tip-offs can express how vividly and how deeply the obsession goes.

Don't be afraid to make Whumpers watch. Watch everything. The way Whumpee cries, moans, frowns, twitches. Everything is information for Whumper and if they're addicted to the response, it gives an air of entrapment.

If you focus on Whumpee, lean into the unease and discomfort of whatever situation you throw at them. Make them feel everything, even if they don't show it to Whumper. Try to express the disgust or dread that comes up every time Whumper touches them. Make their skin crawl, prickle, give goosebumps that mean a thousand things.

Close them off from Whumper physically, make them crave distance when Whumper gets close. Flinching when they're touched, pulling away, knocking hands back if it won't get them destroyed by Whumper. The closer Whumper is, the sweatier they get by just how much they already expect contact to be dished out.

If you choose to re-work with dialogue, make them unsure of their responses. Try to make them dubious or open-ended to ensure that the reader and Whumper could take it wrong, whenever you get the chance. You can show heavy manipulation through Whumpee's dialogue, depending on how conditioned or unconditioned it is to the happenstance. If Whumper says something lustful and they reply with something polite but still heading towards a decline; it gives easy reason for Whumper to push further if they don't like being told no.

Whumpee can be forced to verbally consent to relieve Whumper's consciousness and still internally process it as trauma. These two things can very much coincide if Whumpee is aware that they will be treated with more brutal power if they don't consent/agree to Whumper's whims.

An interesting twist could present to have Whumpee be the one to talk dirty to Whumper. Initiate it in such a way they're almost begging to have what they're saying, done to them, to spare themselves Whumpers original wrath. Asking for a gentle touch, even giving explicit detail of what they want Whumper to do them, to try to lead them in a less aggressive direction.

This might seem like a less submissive route but if Whumpee is smart enough and able to play with their outcome, I highly encourage you to make them do so! This can create a bond with Whumper and build trust, even if the situation is faked on Whumpee's end. Even if they still have to hold back their fearful reactions, they can control Whumper in an aspect they couldn't before. Even though they have to give themselves up, they are able to save themselves from the angry, violent aspect.

Another incredible way to imply that a non-con situation is present; Whumpee waking up on a bed, on furniture, and undressed in some fashion. If you set the scene with clothing on the floor, restraints on the bedframe, bruised wrists; you can paint a picture without having to go through the scene itself. Plus, you're able to bypass straight to the aftermath and internalized whump.

You're able to cut a corner and instead, move to Whumpee having a reason to fear Whumper and act skittish around them. Despite how the relationship goes, has went or how the scene itself played out. It's going to add trauma and layers of hurt to Whumpee and their mental status. It will take safety from them, drive them to paranoia if it's randomized and they can't spot Whumpers patterns to prepare themselves.

Things we take as comfort will be horror if the only times they see beds and bedding are when the non-con is coming. If the only time they're allowed in the bedroom, given pillows and blankets after as a sick form of reconciliation for their compliance. If the only time they're bathed or given new clothing is when it's about to be ripped off or their body is about to be used.

This can add a form of panic inside Whumpee and 100% give them enough reason to act however you need/want them to.

Sexually based trauma is no small feat and it can and will destroy your mind whether you want it to or not. It can ruin relationships, all senses of security and make you incredibly self-destructive and irrational.

On top of losing sleep, eating habits, nightmares, night terrors, depression, anxiety, the works. PTSD is a very normal thing to happen in response to sexual trauma, trauma of all kinds too, but it's a very high given for non-consensual assaults.

If you or anyone you love, needs to speak with someone or needs help with sexual abuse or violence; Please don't hesitate to contact someone, even with a text or a phone call. There are so many resources and hotlines out there, that even if you just get it off your chest, you can survive another day.

[Link to American and International Hotlines]

[Official RAINN Resources NA]

[RCNE EU and International Help]

(If anyone has more thorough lists they could link, I'd love to attach them to the post to continue to push them out there. If I'm going to be presenting topics, I'd also like to add real-life solutions, as well.)