anxiousvommit284

[anxiousvommit284]

I want to rip someone apart in a romantic way :\ not anyone in specific. I want to make someones life terrible but they wont leave because their obsessed with me or something. basically just my brain. the voices torture me like this :P yeah ima start refering to them as the voices seriously because i dont know what they are. theres a specific one that enjoys my pain, i hate him. I do also like feeling like im making it happy though. woww it sounds so fucking cool and mysterious, im sure if it was personified it would actually be some fucking loser asshole though. I like losers tho. who wants a gay yaoi between me and the voices, tee hee :3 i probably sound so crazy but i swear its real, its been here for years i just didn't know what to call it, its definitely not me. or maybe it is but it feels like it is its own person. i cant control it. this specific voice is mad i dont want my relationship with mr cool guy i keep talking about to be violent. Hes mad i dont want to hurt him in a "romantic way" lol. Im not at obsession yet mr voice guy calm your ass down. We arent there yettt. We aren't that romantic :) im not at "i would give up my sanity" for him yet. calm your tits. its also mad i dont want to cut because ive been too happy, i only cut when im not really happy but not really sad, just kinda happy. i feel like my brain is some shitty apartment im sharing with a bunch of weirdos. they live in there :P the voices have no right to be complaining, i never invited them. At least not that i remember. He is not very convincing tbh. Only when im weak. Im very strong mentally rn. imagine im actually hearing demons or something, lol. I wouldn't mind im probably going to hell anyways. Their just preparing me if they are demons :3 anyways. dont call a psyche ward on me please ;w; im perfectly sane. anyways, so funny that im writing this while listening to my freaky playlist :D (heavily influenced by that voice) hahah. i wanna kill everyone except for Ashton and my crush cause their like, cool. mr voice in my head hates both of them because they actually care about me, i think hes a dick. hes very quiet rn though. i think it gets jealous. also noticing i switch between he and it when it feels right. the voice in my head is an it/thang! no wonder i hate its guts! (i would kiss it if it were a person.) this voice has always kinda been here its just more recently started acting like it owns me or something. and started caring about romance. crazy! probably because i need romance. the voices do try to tend to my needs but only so they can manipulate me. It kinda works i love gifts and if they make me happy enough ill listen to them :P i need to end this b4 i get admitted to a psych ward. bring this up irl if you know me and i will just deny it all or ignore you. unless your doing it cause of concern. If your concerned just use text. i hate talking irl im so awkward sometimes.

[anxiousvommit284]

Makeup is so fun sometimes. i have no problem being fem i just dont like being called a girl :/ ill gladly wear dresses and shit the problem is people i care about thinking that means anything. i dont even feel that uncomfortable about my body, yeah i dont have what i want but no one sees it. It only affects me when i remember i dont have a penar when i realllyy want to have a penar :') I only care about how other people see me. This is not even me being some type of people pleaser i just hate that im not my dads son or my brothers brother. I did my make up last night though, it was was less uncomfortable than it was when i was hyperfem. Being feminine is nice when its not your whole life, knowing i dont have to keep my make up on to impress people. I can simply enjoy it alone in my room :) its really nice. I also like dressing fem sometimes, i wouldnt say im a femboy because usually femboys only wear steryotypical knee highs and pleated skirts and shit, i like actual fashion. Pretty dresses and nice jewlery and shit. I'm comfortable enough with my gender now to know that liking makeup and fashion does not make me fake trans. Im able to like these things because i know who i am. not fully of course but i at least know i am a boy. I can also be masc, i dress masc most the time, and i am going to start going to the gym. i liek boff :3 also ive questioned if im nb and no, because i like calling myself a guy. I think its good to think about things tho :) idk what im yapping ab anymore i have to piss. :/ byebye >:)

[anxiousvommit284]

Trying to not get attached to someone when with everyone i feel like im begging for attention and this person actually like.. asks me ab thing i like. i know i just met him so obviously hes going to do that but its so nice<3 I'm so happy :) only a little sad cause i just know i want him and i dont know if he wants me, acts like it but could just be shy. Hes so pretty, and perfecttt. I'm trying so hard not to post about him a lot but aahhh. I'm so in loveee not even like sometimes i feel it CONSTANTLY I feel it and that has only ever happened with my ex. Even then i wasn't being like "hes so this and that and blah blah" we could be soo so much more than friendsssss. Being in love is so weird. Or is it a crush? It's the same thing I felt for my ex when i thought about a future with him so i feel like its more than just a crush. He liked my insta note saying i likes the song cant take my eyes off of you, and he liked my story talking about wanting a valentine :3 he likes all my stories and notes tho :') i just need comfirmationnn tell me you want me too :( tell me i make you flustered and shy silly boy >:3 now that i think about it idk if hes dating someone. Id guess he isnt because he said hes lonely but idk for sure :P if hes dating someone or is straight ill kill myself. lol. (not lol because idk how ill feel if he does that but its definitely not lol.) He asked if i use my notebook as a journal so im wondering if he journals & if im in it :3 i was gonna say i wonder if hes had unwanted thoughts about me but then i remembered i dont have a fucking penis. my life is so miserable now that i remembered i dont have a giant penis i can swing around. :/

[anxiousvommit284]

I hate this. I feel bad. I cant handle caring a lot about more than one person its too much. i cant spread out my attention equally and when i get home i just want to sleep all day. It feel like i have to decide who i care about more and i hate it. I want to have a lot of people who i care about and who care about me so im not so lonely and then when it finally happens i cant handle it. I feel like i have to choose someone id die for who feels like family and has been the only person who understands me for so fucking long and someone who i could have a chance with who makes me feel like im in a dream and hasn't done anything wrong. (obv the first one hasn't either) its like, i cant even be mad about it because i understand feeling like your being replaced. Everybody Ashton brings around me i panic, i dont like myself so why would someone whose as nice and funny as Ashton like me? I was miserable all summer because i thought Ashton would find new friends and realize im a shitty person. I understand feeling like that its so terrible. Its like nothing the person says can stop it because you dont understand why they ever even liked you. I cant just care about one person though because when i do that i get hurt, every little thing just crushes you. Like they get a new friend and you want to be happy for them but you hate it. I will never stop caring about the people in my life. I dont care how much people dont like themselves i like them, i love them. I care. The only reason i dont make long ass posts talking about how much i appreciate Ashton like i make long ass posts about this guy is because i dont wanna be annoying ;-; but really Ashton is so fucking important to me I dont know what i would do without him. I dont wanna be like that but i dont think i would be alive without him. sometimes the only thing keeping me going was knowing i had someone who cared about me and could make me forget how terrible life is. Just because i meet new people doesn't mean ill forget the people who have been here for me. I will never think your boring Ashton you could literally talk about the dumbest shit ever and id think "wow this is so interesting" anyone who does think your boring is a fucking idiot and ill kick them in the freaking butt >:) Its so hard to find the words to say to tell you how much i care about you because there's so much stuff that goes into it and i need it to be right, i cant say it a million times because it will lose its meaning but i love you so much and that's never going to change, your literally my brother. You dont even know how proud i feel of you, your drawings and album covers and your coding stuff. You're so talented. (im cry) I know sometimes its hard to believe people when they say they care but i really mean it. that's all, i need to stop because im way too tired to be crying rn.

[anxiousvommit284]

hahahah, i need to passionaly make out with this guy why is he so nice >_< wow your so cool, haha. TAKE YOUR PANT OF-. bro. i cannot handle the fact that someone so fucking cool is so nice to me omg. take those baggy jeans off :3 BENDOVER. (shit ill never say to anyone ril part 309709969190416) He likes such cool stuff and he listens to emo musiccc, literally could be the emo to my scene kid. LEGENDARY COMBO. HE KNOWS BROKENCYDE AND I SET MY FRIENDS ON FIR AND DOT DOT CURVE!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. CAN WE KISS ALREADY? i don't know how to talk to himmmm. hes not en gonna in hanford for most of the weekend but asked if im free this weekend >///< YES? YES I CAN WASTE ALL MY TIME ON YOU. INVITE ME OVER BBG. his room is probably rlly cool >:) also theres a pic of him smoking on his insta. bbg can we cigarette kiss? can we do a little silly, can we be a little funny :3 can you take yo clothes off? can you can you??? bro can NEVER know the things going on in my head omg i had a hard time sleeping in class cause i kept thinking "haha what if we kissed?" MF UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH how does one be so hot? now i hate all of my other crushes. like honestly am like WELLLL ur not as cool as this crushhhh <3 idek his name idk if he told me it i was too flustered bro. also he likes the game sally face so now i need to buy it. HES BEEN PLAYING GUITAR FOR 8 YEARSS. I wanna make him a monster tab bracelet :3 he complimented my drawinggg <3 im so eeeee for this guy, im so aaaaa for this guy. also having a crush really shows me the difference between obsession and love because when im obsessed i wanna kill you, when im in love ill start thinking of killing you once ik your minee :P also yes gross because i was being all cutesy but does anyone else think of how nice it would be to see the look of betrayal on someone you loves face when you kill them. just me? ok.... it doesn't make me really happi tho :( i like seeing him all shy and sweet, id never kill bbg :D (i would? haha. but like. only if bro wanted me to :P) I WANT TO BE IN HIS ROOM. eeeee, eee, eeee. not to be a freak but i bet he look good with no shirt on. sorry gang. im right tho. ok now im being too sweet and its sickening to me. im so gay omg. someone smite me for being so smitten. THIS GUY GETS FIVEEE BIGGG BOOMMSSSS, BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM. (im so sorry i cant get ts out of my head) also gang his voice heheheh :D be pp went up when he asked if im free this weekend >:))) oh god i hope he invites me overrr. oh god i hope im not too akwardd >_< im probably soo obvioussss. or maybe im not ;-; maybe he thinks i hate him cause im quiet and cant answer question easily T-T i dont hate you bro im trying to act like i wasn't imagining stuff litterally like 5 minutes b4 bro. imagining bro in my mlp bed with my hello kitty plushies. i need to jork it (im joking swear) also i think he told his friends ab me cause he found out his friend is my brothers girlfriends brother. i already knew that cause i stalked his acc but he stalked my acc too :3 im so fucking in love i need to know his age tho. cause i dont even care at this point if hes like a junior or something but i just wanna know. i think hes probably a sophomore (for my own sanity) cause he said next year he would join guitar which means he cant be a senior and i dont think hes a freshman. try not to call a fellow minor sexy challenge impossible. i sincerely apologize for being a damn freak i just cant get him out of my headddd aaaa, ooo im a vampire let me suck you di- (sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry) i need to be locked in freaky jail im just a horny little lad :( (LMAO) aaaa please, ill become christian if he invites me over (no i wont i hate Christians they aren't really nice most of them :/) sorry this is so long, my pp is longer when bro exists lol.

[anxiousvommit284]

hahaha guess whos in love again. hahaha guess who told them "i cant relate to people" and when they asked why said people are too loud and talk to much. AS I WAS TEXTING THEM A LOTTTTTTTTTTT. I WAS TALKING ALOTTTTTTTTT. they keep hearting most of my messages and my brain is so overloaded it will explode, if your somehow on my tumblr no the hell you are not. idk nor do i care how old they are (idk how old they are) i literally cant stop smiling bro is killing me and i have to be ALONE with them tomorrowww, lowk wanna ask them 2b my valentine and if they get weird about it say its in a friend way. I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO PRETEND IM NOT CRUSHING SO FUCKING HARD TOMORROW IM DYING. anywaysss time to listen to their playlist :3 pray i dont dies tomorrow :P

[anxiousvommit284]

i wanna be a cool skater boy, i have a skateboard i just got no balls LMAO

[anxiousvommit284]

Why is everyone taken wtf. jealous, i miss dating. the relationship was weird but like.. i had someone to talk to. Now i feel alone ;w; the only person i hang out with is Ashton and obv i like hanging out with bro but its nice to have someone else to go to when i dont like hanging out with him so much. Not like bro does anything wrong life is just so boring and repetitive, and being in love was really fun. It also really helped make me less insecure having someone call me pretty and stuff, he just stopped talking as much and i felt like he didnt care anymore. i also hate online dating cuz i NEED to be able to kiss the person im with im so fucking touch starved. sorry i keep posting a lot i just really hate everything rn. life is so boring and dull there's nothing to look forward to rn, im not like miserable tho, i think its just from being sick and not doing my school work so i feel really useless rn. :/ someone hug me please i hate this i hate everything. I keep missing people i shouldn't miss and idk how to feel about anything. i hate it i hate itttfufkfblabflbc I need someone to love i cant love myself, it just doesn't work. im not happy idk how to be happy. I dont feel hopeless i just feel dead. I swear if its not just cuz im sick i will kill everyone omg. i keep going from feeling like shit to feeling good. DIE everyone please just like die for a second and come back when i feel like a human again i dont like being vulnerable. i think im pissed off because my life is just not good. im frustrated that my lif sucks so much and no one gives a damn. i cant talk to anyone and i dont want to anyways because no one understands the absolute hate i feel for EVERYTHING. im ending this post i need to shut up.

[anxiousvommit284]

my dad has handcuffs in his closet... i know where i get my freak from. MY EX TOLD ME YOUR KINKS ARE PASSED DOWN FROM YOUR PARENTS. WHY DID BRO FEEL THE NEED TO TELL ME THAT? I FELT GROSS. I DO NOT WANT TO THINK ABOUT MY PARENTS BEING INTO THE DISGUSTING SHIT IM INTO. NOOOOOO.

[anxiousvommit284]

um... yeh.

[anxiousvommit284]

how do i get drugs bro. i need them im so bored. i dont have fucking money thooo i only got 15$ and i cant ask my mom for money cause court stuff. if i text her she will screen shot it and show it to the judge whenever her and my dad go to court. FUCKING GAY. IM YOUR CHILD STUPID HO YOU THINK TEXTING ME ABOUT RANDOM SHIT MAKES YOU A MOTHER? YOUR USELESS. trashy whore. I hope i never become like that woman (i say as im asking how 2 gt drugs) i wouldn't put drugs over people tho, idc how good that shit is. shit could make my problems go away and id still never care about it more than people. let alone my children? if i had children i could never. They'd be the best thing in my life, i wouldn't even need drugs if i had children and a house and a good life. the only reason my mom has brain issues is because shes so fucked up on xanny shes killing her brain cells or something. shes slowly fucking killing herself, like bitch hang yourself already LMAO. no one will miss you other than my dad and sister cause my poor dad cares about this whore and my sister is a kiss ass trying to get my moms attention so she could get money and shit and tells my mom when we talk shit ab her. IK ITS HER. i knowww, its so obviously her. none of my siblings care about my mom but my sister is weird. anyways sorry for the side rant ive been missing my mom cause im sick so i needed to remind myself why shes a bitch. anyone knows how i can get drugs help a brother outttt i wanna fuck myself up rn and do some stupid shit ill definitely regret.

[anxiousvommit284]

i want cigarettes. who wanna give me cigarettes and cigarette kiss? who wanna give me cigarettes and actually kiss? who wanna give me cigarettes and make out. someone gives me cigs we smoochin, we taking clothes off.

[anxiousvommit284]

Ashton i miss your family and slinky please kidnap me i need to see the princess (slinky) please please please. shes so cute i miss her

[anxiousvommit284]

who wanna let me stomp on their head until they die? idk why i wanna do that im not even mad or anything rn i just really wanna, it would be so satisfying :3 crunch

[anxiousvommit284]

Dude Moises said "You're my n*gga" to me. uh, no im not hahah. DONT FUCKING CALL ME THAT I WILL END YOU. Call me oomfie or something weirdo. i dont like people using the n word yo ass is not black. DIE.DIE.DIE. I WILL SMITE YOU. anyways I'm gonna watch Zero day again just cause, Cal makes me hard hes so cute /hj. I love sociopaths when they let their anger out on people, him stomping on desks and terrorizing people was very cool, i wish i was Andre so i could just sit and watch. lol

[anxiousvommit284]

dude, all the guys at my school are getting FUCKED. /bend your ass over rn stg. gir beanie, smash. random guy from my P.E. class, SMASH. cool person with dyed hair and piercings? SMASHHH. Joseph from my bio class? SMASHHH. guy with long hair and headphones from bros bio class? SMASH. ughhhh i dont even care if one of them might be a senior they getting it. their so prettyyy AAAAAAAA. bendoverbendoverbendover. i will fuck all of these people. i will fuck all of the guys on earth, if your a guy get ready dude haha. id say /j but like. maybe /hj. im not very joking tbh. also some guy kept whispering faggot in my ear in 4th period and it kinda turned me on for some reason. it couldnt be that im a weirdo it must be some magic or something *scratches head* *pulls on shirt* hahaha. id jerk off but i feel like shit so I'm not gonna :/ too fucking hot in my room.

[anxiousvommit284]

I hate my face, like it looks fine but its weird. My body in general is fine it's not mine tho. Like, I'm not supposed to look like this. I try to be happy about it but I'm constantly trying to fix it and i cant. It really sucks. Puberty made me really realize i didn't like how i look but even before then i knew I'm not supposed to look like this. I hate that this is the face people see when they think of me or that they even see at all. I want to cover it -_- just get rid of my face completely.