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rinnstars · 3 months ago

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white mercedes!

he’ll always be here when you eventually come back

itoshi rin x reader: toxic dependent rs LOL + on and off rs, inspired by charli’s song, angst(?) but you get back tgt, both pov!, not proofread + likes n reblogs r appreciated! <3

its a cycle - a cycle that rin has grown too fond of, too familiar of, too used to. of course, he knows its unhealthy, not that anyone tells him, its a secret he’ll keep deep in his heart. he tells himself, its just familiarity - the way your face buries in his chest, hands tugging at his shirt for comfort that he swear as makes his heart swell up, the way your name rolls off his tongue so perfectly like it was meant to be, the way you always come back no matter what. its meant to be in its own sick ways, and it gives him a sick feeling that thrums against his heart when you inevitably come back - as if you know you’ll be his no matter what.

he thinks he can forget everything when you ring him up after another bad ending to a date or relationship (he prays to no one in particular for it to end each and every time, cursing them too), when you come back home to his familiar apartment that you know the passcode and have the keys to in your bag at all times, when you melt yourself against him, fitting with him like a puzzle piece. he can forget the way you practically ripped his heart out with your bare hands when you tell him the inevitable words: “lets break up”, he can forget the way he swears the world turns black with puzzle pieces with the way his ears and ringing and his head throbs, he can forget the way you look at him like he’s nothing, like he’s just temporary, a toy to you when you feel a little lonely, when things don’t go your way. he can forget that he’s just temporary comfort in your arms, forget that you don’t love him the way he loves you, forget that you’ll be gone and in love with everyone else but him he swears. he can forget that your lips had touch someone else’s just hours ago, he can forget your hands had lingered and roamed someone else’s before, he can forget that you don’t only look at him with that look in your eye that he wishes to keep in his own museum of memories. he thinks he can forget all the hurt you put him through when youre together - forget the emptiness in his heart when you go to another party, find someone else, and be anywhere else without him that now feels full with your touch that practically feels like a drug to rin., forget the tears that streams down his face and stains his face that your fingers trace so softly as though an apology when you stop texting back, a reflection of you being busy with someone else yet again, forget the sleepless nights wondering where you are now that youre right beside him on his bed.

but deep down, he hopes tonight, you’ll stay a little longer. more than just what he should expect now - more than just warming his bed and his heart and his body, more than just another temporary comfort where you’ll be gone tomorrow morning or night, more than what he knows you’ll ever be able to give him. maybe each and every time he lets you stay - its his confession in his own way, of unsaid “i love yous” that he knows wont be reciprocated by the end of the week, of unsaid wishes of you staying by him for the rest of his life even in this twisted way that he loses more and more hope of every cycle, of unsaid pleadings for you to just stay with him in his world. but he knows too, that by the end of tonight, he’ll drive you to work, and your replies will slow down, and he’ll be left all alone in his apartment by the end of tomorrows night - or even if he’s lucky, he knows its inevitable, a month of loving you and being yours before the house of cards comes crashing down and all he’s left alone are the ashes of you and him: all alone in his room that he can still practically see the ghost of, feel the phantom touches of yours that he swears is imprinted on his body, lying in the gory mess of his guts all thrown up and ripped out of him when you inevitably say your goodbyes. yet, he keeps opening that damn door whenever it rings with that familiar tune, accepting those cursed phone calls that restarts the cycle, giving you his already scratched up and bruised heart for you to make a mess even more. its love - letting you step all over him without a single word and still letting you do it for the rest of his life until one day you’ll grow tired of this comfort (he hopes you never will, its the only thing he can offer after all). its love - letting you stay over and mess up his life, leave him with bruises on his neck and hands with your kisses and bites that he’s always so mesmerised by, as though youre letting it known that he belongs to you (even if he doesn’t because you end up leaving). its love - letting you run away each time and still letting you come back without any hesitation even if logically he should (because the pain is worth the warmth you always give him whenever you come back).

and you don’t want to admit that its love you feel for him - its fear you feel when your heart inevitably only beats a little faster when youre with him, its anxiety you blame it on when your stomach pools with butterflies when youre in his arms, and its guilt you feel when you inevitably run away again. love is overwhelming - being with him is too much, you don’t feel that sensation that practically brings you to that high, not with alcohol, not with partying, not with anyone else. its strange, the first time you feel it with him, and you don’t want to admit that its love - as though its forbidden (everyone with a mind begs you to just stay with him), as though its one-sided (you know it isn’t, you know he loves you too: he tells you and its pain that courses through your whole body), as though it was never meant to be (only because youre too scared to stay).

its not love, you tell yourself, when you inevitably come back to his apartment that you’ve memorised the address and route to from work, from the club, from anyone else’s house you just don’t feel at home with. its not love, you tell yourself too, when you go out with everyone else but him, your heart hurting as though its conveying to you its wrong, its wrong to be with anyone else other than itoshi rin. and its not love, when you spend the night looking at his face that you try to memorise every curve, every line, every bit of it before you inevitably have to leave, when you spend the night awake breathing in his warm and familiar scent that almost lulls you to sleep if not for your dedication, when you spend the night awake loathing the fact youre going to leave the next morning.

deep down, you know you can stay - its what rin wants underneath all the walls he’s built sky high that he lets collapse when youre with him, its what rin wants when he lets you in each and every single time no matter what time it is, when he lets his fingers and gaze linger a little too long for it to be deniable anymore. and you should - he always has your favourite snack stacked up almost as if trying to appeal to you even though he follows a strict diet for his career, always have your shirts and pants all neatly folded in the closet when you come back, always have your side of the bed neatly arranged, your figure practically already imprinted on it.

and its fear that grips at your heart when it just feels so right. you know you’ll mess it up, not that you haven’t millions of time when you already have him at the palm of your hand. you know youre no good, the first break up was a clear reflection - in your mind, its bloody, gory and messy, the hearts of you and him strewn onto the grown, soaked with tears and black blood that still paints your memories. yet, you two keep finding each other, as though magnetised by some sort of twisted fate that wont let him escape your sick love. you end up always at his place anyways - after a bad breakup with some nobody whos face is blurry and hazy in your mind as you look at rin’s, after a night out that leaves you throwing up your bloody black and red guts into his toilet as he rubs your back so gently, a complete contrast to the way youre violently throwing up, after another date that sees through your disinterest and leaves you right in the rain that rin somehow fights through with an umbrella to shield you from the rain and maybe from the world too, your hands holding his shakily as though hes the one who will inevitably disappear on you.

but today, it just seems so different - his touch on you feels fleeting, as if hes already ready to let go, his eyes seems a little more watery than usual as though hes only counting down to your eventual farewell, his familiar bracelets that matches with you nowhere to be tugged at when you intertwine your hands with his as though you two are no longer together. you think it just might be over - its inevitable, of course hes sick of this stupid cycle you cant help but continue each and every time to feel safe and secure, of course hes lost feelings now that hes seen the real you, of course hes tired of you who has done thing but leave after youve gotten your way. and you want to say its alright: because youve never loved him the way he should, because you cant be what he wants, because its not love you were made for. and yet, youre selfish, god you know you are: when you come back each and everytime and melt into rin’s arm thst is deserving of so much more, when you leave even when you see the tear stains on his face and shaky voice memos he leaves you wishing you to be nothing but safe, when you repeat the cycle.

“rin… y-youll always be here right?” you hate how your voice shakes, your feelings unintentionally boiling and spilling over more than it should ever, you hate how vulnerable you sound whenever youre with him because deep down you feel safe and yourself with him that you dont with anyone else, you hate how youre asking for confirmation from him, because you know he’ll say the same thing each and every time.

“of course.” and rin hates how he will never change the answer to the inevitable question because he loves you and always will, hates how he can never leave this twisted grip that feels like thorns in him whenever he holds you that pricks at his heart and lungs, hates how he feels you might be slipping away from him with the way you hesitate yet again, restarting the cycle that he loathes and wish nothing but to leave on some days.

“… rin. let me stay, more than just tonight.”

you know its selfish, to trap him in the twisted thorns of your love, to keep him withh you away from the rest of the world, to make it official only to end it again inevitably when you yourself get terrified of the same thorns that claw at you the same way it claws at rin that he never minded. its selfish to promise to stay, to be his soulmate again, to be his again at all when you know deep down youll leave - simply because you feel him leaving, because you feel hes getting tired of it, because you know he deserves better.

and yet, you dont miss the way rin’s eyes seem to light up from its earlier dull look that pains you from the thought of him crying over you, dont miss the way he unconsciously tugs at your shirt, clinging closer to you with the reassurance, dont miss the way he lets out a breath that he has held this whole time. and you know deep down, he’ll always let you stay: even when you leave again, even when you dont stay, even you keep breaking his heart. and in a twisted way, you love it: because it means he loves you too even if you cant bear to tell or show it in fear, because means that he wont get tired of you to be the one who leaves, because it means youll always have him forever one day when you put your fear aside and embrace him the same way you do now.

and rin doesnt miss the way your voice seems so afraid and shaky when you ask of him as though youll ever be afraid of him saying no, doesnt miss the way your eyes too light up even with those dark eyes circle that he wishes to fix when he takes you back in again, doesnt miss the way you bury your face in his chest either when he says yes to you being his again. and he loves it: because it means you love him too even if you keep running away for god knows why, because it means one day youll stay forever in his embrace, because it means youll deep down never be sick of him with the way you always come back into his arms.

maybe youll go back on your promise, maybe you wont - but for tonight: youre rins, and rins all yours.

#itoshi rin x reader #rin itoshi x reader #rin x reader #blue lock x reader #bllk x reader #rin.<3 #itoshi rin angst #blue lock angst #wrote this in the train and in a restaurant im so unemployed actlly LOLLLLL #but at least im getting back into writing again aft what happened last week…#need a rin bc i lowk am too scared of relationsips too sorryg #lowk projecting but! yk!

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