#so i didnt end up really needing a break
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back on my bull shit. expect another long ass post soon
#randytime#ill probs post it 2morrow#or later tonite if i have the time#like the alphabet we'll 'C'#so i didnt end up really needing a break#shit got better drastically
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#finished mid season#and its like#they really are pairing off everyone huh#bUT LIKE OK#fIRESKY????#im still like#suprised how wholesomely sweet they are#ryan and karina are also very good?#he took her to go see her friends....he apologized....he called her the best hero.....whu...hime......#the other ones tho.....hmmmm....#like i guess bison origami is ok#the shirtless scene did a LOT of the heavy lifting#kid kat is cute but also makes me feel like im watching tiny tots or something#black and white tho.....#i.....i dont care 😔#its like if tiger and bunny where more annoying and had NO sauce#i think they have some fun moments with the rest of the cast but#i think because they didnt get a proper intro focus theyre misisng build up#ryan got the movie and its fun watching him switch partners and also interact with barnaby without the tnb break up#hmmmm idk#tiger if he didnt have emotional intelligence and bunny if he didnt have his stage persona#also like#in the end t&b 2.0 have to have to same character arch beats#black has to take a hit for white to trust him#white has to have a moment where he loses hope and get proven wrong#blah blah blaj#whatever small moments they have reconciling and getting along wILL NEVER BE mid season 1 dinner party where bunny keeps glancing at tiger#and follows him outside so they can talk about their dreams under the stars and street lights#and bunny gives tiger a smile when he finds out what tigers biggest wish is......#😑 anyways i need to draw barnaby in love again excuse me
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I’m single again!!!! Wahoooo
Lessons learned: be bold about what you dislike in a relationship. Notice when you’re being isolated because of your partner. Don’t be afraid to think for yourself, you don’t need to wait for friends/family to say you should break up.
#i lowkey only had ppl in long term relationships that always had the advice like:#all relationships have ups and downs!#give him some slack he’s human too!#communicate and give him time to change#when really i was just not saying everything#the things i did say would look silly in comparison like ‘no you might regret it’#and i felt like i just needed someone to say ‘that sounds like youre incompatible and need to break up’#i feel like i asked so many ppl too about HOW i should break up#when in the end it’s just me that needs to make the decision#i just didnt have the confidence to do it#i feel like after a 1.5 year relationship i STILL feel like i know nothing about dating/relatuonships#i wish i couldve left after our holiday in june#but i probably wasnt ready yet#i really tried to make it work#pp personal posts
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if i was braver id have made that last chapter end like the textpost about shower sex
#you know the one#god i really am like. idk i dont want to be such an oversharer spiraler on here bc it makes me feel silly to have people read my fics-#-and then see what an insane loser i am about writing them but whatever its my blog#anyway i feel kind of disconnected from this one already maybe bc i took a big break from writing it or smth idk#but i LOVED it when i was first writing it but now i.......idk. i dont feel very anything about it and that really sucks#and i feel like im constantly shaving down edges on anything i write in an effort to make it palatable#which is so fucking stupid anyway like. i end up hitting post and immediately going. well i should have done this done that#ok then why didnt you dawg nobody has a gun to your head lol#augh. whatever. ill figure out a way to do what i want eventually#i think i need to start working on 4 fics at once again
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it is absolutely wild the way i’ve allowed people to treat me
#every year i write an end of year recap i’ve been doing it since 2019#this year So much happened but one of the big things was breaking up with my ex#and it genuinely blows my mind how badly i was treated and the fact i stayed as long as i did#year and a half of clownery when i knew after 4 months i’d been sold a lie 😭#i feel so bad for past me because girlie you didnt deserve that!! nobody does!!!#it’s helped me sm in my current relationship because i know what it’s like to be the collateral for someone’s self hatred#it’s motivated me to heal and develop self esteem so i dont do that to my wonderful partner#they have really shown me what love is and let me tell you! it’s nothing i experienced with my ex!#mind blowing mind boggling i am never letting Anyone treat me that appallingly ever again#literally crazy i wish her a lot of healing and growth cos goddamn how are you terrified of being a bad person yet treat people like you#treated me. no wayyyy no way#i so believe in that thing of what people are most scared of they’re most likely to do#goddamn! 2023 man. wild time#valentina talks#i definitely made many a mistake which is why im not really like. Angry at her because i understand and i’ve had to change a lot and grow a#lot too. i think everyone just is perpetually making mistakes and growing and that’s okay. but it doesn’t mean the people you hurt need to#forgive you or think your actions were okay#just yeesh. i’m glad it’s over and i moved on
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ok omg im back from the concert
#a lot happened#he played adam raised a cain!! the gays won. like i didnt even know i needed that#um i nearly started crying at various points embarrassingly#i was so close in backstreets. but i held it together bc i cant be the only one crying in a crowd of drunk 60 yr olds#they were really good#also i fainted#not in the concert but on the tube (worse?)#it was awfulll i think bc i stood up for too long and ran to the stop after it ended#but it took a while for it to hit me so idk#i thnik this is that same problem thats happened to me before and i went to the doctor who just said drink water..#so bought emergency snacks after (not good) but i dont want to think about the nightmare journey back#but overall really great#i cant believe how physically fit bruce still is bro im 19 and i couldnt stand up for 4 hours without fainting..#like he did all that no breaks and sounded good too
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I'm just about finished with My Little Inferno, and the ML (the LI) is so pathetic omfg. I feel like I'm reading Dame na Watashi ni Koishite Kudsai due to the main leads both being fucking losers (the FL in Dame na is in a dead end relationship and is practically a sugar mommy who ends up in debt to support her BF which almost leads her to being sold into prostitution. Her attitude isn't great either). Like if I could get a hot guy to fall head over heels in love with me even after he witnesses me puking, pissing, and crying myself out of fear and getting hassled by old bullies (if only I were a BL protag bc he'd think I'm cute), I would think something is wrong with him and that I probably made it in life. The ML isn't particularly... useful. The only thing he has going for him is being cute and short, and being needy towards the LI. The LI makes for a good house husband.
Based on the cover art for the manga, I would've thought it was really dark (like Killing Stalking or Blind play) but its mostly just about cyber crime and embezzlement and sorta the yakuza (mostly mentioned, briefly seen). To an extent, this series sorta reminded me of Semantic Error, but only because of the computer stuff though. Otherwise, I sorta like the slice of life aspects. I think the crime stuff is sorta underbaked. I wish there was more risk or something to make things tense bc the only thing was ML's mom getting get info stolen and getting $300k in debt.
#desiree talks#desiree reads#speaking of which i havent really read BL since i decided on trying to actually clear my manga tabs#like i decided on lowering priority to the following genres: BL#action; manhwa; isekai#main reasons there is too many BL manga and after a while the tropes got repetitive and i needed a break#action to me is boring i need good character moments and dynamics in between fights#(me with demon slayer [and technically yowamushi pedal] all the flashbacks during the fights/races bc there's no where else to put it#i wish demon slayer had more group moments apart from recovering since a lot of characters didnt have any moments until the final battle#especially when fights can end up lasting like a year of updates (lookism gave me ptsd)#and action scenes can get confusing if the artist isn't good at drawing/planning them out#it can also get hard to tell whats going on#isekai- too many and there are a lot of bad ones and i am the type to get fomo and try them all#i technically prefer otome isekai#but only really like regression wherre theyre able to get revenge or make s#a better outcome like I'll Be The Matriarch In This Life#i dont like the idea of actual isekai bc what happens to the original soul of the body that the MC takes over#i'm also not a fan of serie where the MC is automatically doted over by everyone#its annoying#and for manhwa its more of a format thing#and i think with webtoon format there is a lot more being published than mn#manga so its even more to try and read#it doesn't help that a lot of series end up with like 100+ chapters#like a decent shoujo is usually over in like 50 chapters#though thats like 4 years of publication#its less overwhelming when the series is over
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Did the stuff exchange 👍 that sucked 👍 wahoo
#speculation nation#i was very curt bc i just wanted to get it over with.#kinda wish id given her a piece of my mind but whatever#i did shut the door rather forcefully in her face. which hopefully said plenty.#and then i cried bc it just felt so Cold. a stark difference from the last time i saw her.#man ive come to accept it's probably for the best overall but the suddenness of it still sucks so bad.#also the 'i never actually loved you' thing. what an asshole thing to say.#she also missed one of the stuffed animals and it's one i wanted to have back Especially#bc it's a pair with one that i own. i want my little bee's axolotl friend back And i dont want her owning the other one of a pair.#she seemed to really love this deer before. said it gave her a lot of comfort to hug at night.#so i wanted it back especially too. i dont want her getting any more comfort from my prior affection for her.#i just hope that seeing me reminded her that im a real fucking person that she fucked over.#like yeah shes got her new 'love' yadda yadda yadda but she strung me along for 6 fucking months#then broke up with me over fucking TEXT. saying some incredibly insensitive things as she did so.#even if they were the truth. there are still some things that dont need said i think. especially to someone who has trust issues.#but most of all she shouldve fucking done it in person or At Least on the phone.#i told her plenty already how cowardly and horrible it was for her to break up with me over text#and i want to scream it from the rooftops and carve it into her tires#but i wont. because ive said it enough. and being too destructive wont make anyone happy.#not even me.#it just feels like such an injustice. and i feel so angry and hurt.#i can understand and accept that it's probably for the best that the relationship ended here#but that doesnt make the manner it was done hurt any less.#and jesus i thought i was the asshole for how i broke up with my girlfriend last year. at least i broke up with her in person!!!!#i didnt even get that. what a whole load of bullshit.#anyways im gonna play my samurai game. and focus the best i can on just moving on.
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I will say while I've loved most of elden ring I'm really glad I'm down to just 2 more main boss fights (malenia + maliketh) before I start the endgame boss fights... whew 😮💨
#really gorgeous world but frankly its unnecessarily long. theyre gonna kill me for saying that but its true..#some areas/bosses just become overly repetitive when the game is THAT massive like its unavoidable#they tried rly hard to distinguish every area + honestly its a great effort but it couldve been half the size and just as good#like i just did the elphael ulcerative tree spirit bc i wanted to finish millicents questline. and come on man we didnt need another one#the design is sick + loooove the animation. but its a bad fight not bc of the difficulty but bc its janky as hell#lock on doesnt work properly bc of its size and the way it moves. u cant see shit on ur screen fighting them melee its just hack n slash#and theyre always in the most dogshit arenas possible for them like spaces w no maneuverability. its just not fuuuun#especially after youve fought 5 or 6 already earlier on in the game..#and its cool to have variations like the scarlet rot ones but we already HAD one of those just before lake of rot!! the gimmicks worn off#i did everything except maliketh in farum azula today as well and again. it didnt need to be that long. killing beastmen gets boring#after like the first 20 combat is just mashing buttons.. even the platforming is getting dull bc ive done 120 hours of it now#and theres only so many combinations of ladders and hallways and so on that u can possibly cram in here..#i say all this with fondness like i truly do love it. but it couldve been a lot tighter! regardless ill still 100% complete it#and i get most ppl dont try to get every single armament and talisman etc so they probably dont waste time FULLY exploring like i am#ahhh. anyway ill probably do malenia and maliketh tmr bc im right outside both of their arenas. and then call it quits this weekend#ill get my first ending next weekend probably... and hopefully by june ill have 100% and then i can play something else 😭#ik the dlc comes out in june but ill probably take a month or two break before i get to that#it doesnt even neeeed a dlc.......its excessive as it is just make a new game by this point ahhhhh#anyway its like 1am i need to SLEEP. i said i would go out to watch for northern lights but its overcast and im tired and my roommate#didnt wanna come with.. so i was gonna go to bed early instead but i guess that didnt happen lol#gonna feel like shit tomorrow bc i have to be up early to take my meds and she'll wake me up anyway.. but cross that bridge#typing is getting difficult bc im so sleepy okay goodnight everyone#.diaries
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I have college assignmrnts to do for tonig💥
#I DIDNT GET A LOT OF SLEEP BC I HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO SLEEP BEFORE THE SUN COMES UP FOR MOST OF MY SUMME R BREAK AND STILL NOW OFF OF BREAK#AND ON TOP OF THAY I WOKE UP EARLYISH BC THERE WAS CRAZY THUNDER AWHAHDBVDBBS#today's challenge: Survive#i landed the president's list for last semester again i wonder if I'm just burned out an need more of a break than just. a week </3#bc my abilities 2 focus on work and get started on all my studies asap asap like usual has not been. happening anymore#for a few weeks Before the end of the semester too (esp since a lot of irl obstacles tripped me up BAD the last month of last semester agh)#so um#girl help lol!#the ADHD has been ADHDing bAD SO BAD lately and it's only the first week aaaaa a a a aaaaaaaa#(and yes im on meds i just keep focusing on the wrong thingms on them rn. + bad skin picking bc sadly my meds always make that Worse aieee)#dodes it sound like im tired. my mom says i must just be tired. um. mmaybe.#i think right now specifically i certainlly am tired but lbr that's largely bc of Situation (horrible at goign tf to bed all the time alwa#a#so crazy bro i suddenly become like a top student (straight As for days and i fr feel like im REALLY GOOD AT stddying what im studying)#and th4n suddenly boom . category 5 consistent executive dysfunctions event (triggered by so so many big assignmennst last term)#..ok when i phrase it as category 5 consisten dt executive dysfunctions event THAT DOES SOUND LIKE. WHAT BURNOUT PROBABLY IS oh no!#girl HELP haha hel p
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ohhhh thinking about the parallels between odin/maya and frost/marlow/valerie rn
#the way it all comes down to the need to be in control#like theres more nuance to it than that and there are multiple factors in each dynamic but maya and valerie were both isolated#and their respective toxic relationships w their families were allowed to fester and break them bc of that isolation#man. always imagined that valerie was closer to cheri but maybe she should connect more with maya#maya and cheri are sorta aware of the situation? but they dont know just how bad it is and unfortunately theres not a lot they can do#without marlow denying them access to valerie at all the way he did to felicity and aisling#i think maya would try to talk to him gently without oversharing but he’d probably be quick to shut it down#and even if he did know mayas backstory hed be like ‘’wtf im not like that guy at all!! that guy got aggressive with his kid i dont do that’#which is also what he does with frost. ‘’no ofc im not like my mom. my mom didnt give a fuck about me. i care so much about valerie!!’’#tfw you try so hard not to be like your abuser that you end up being toxic in the opposite way#echoed voice#tbh very curious to know how marlow will be recieved#assuming he’ll either be hated or all his worse actions will be shrugged off as ‘’oh its ok hes dad of the year anyways’’#maybe both w no inbetween whatsoever#personally i like him. hes my personal little trainwreck. he fascinates me. i want to put him in a tube and study him#he needs therapy sooo bad but unfortunately hes way too proud for it#also in his own way sakura does want marlow to stop self isolating w valerie#like hes not as clear about it as like cheri would be. i think hes mostly motivated by their rivalry. he wants marlow to better himself#and be a more worthy rival for him basically which is why hes constantly rubbing souvenirs in his face#sakura likes valerie but i think he kinda like. disregards her compared to her brother. he hasnt really picked up on whats going on based on#their interactions. but hmmmm…: perhaps now that hes staying in serenade for an extended amount of time….?
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actually im kind of thinking abt how all the main players in the AU are probably way more mentally Not Great than it may appear at first
#like Alex is constantly worrying she isn't doing enough for her family and pushes herself way too hard physically and mentally bc of it#no one expects it out of her but she kind of just got herself into that mindset and ends up hurting herself by pushing too hard usually#(Rana is working with her to help break the habit)#Herobrine lived in caves for like 7 (I think. im too lazy to go check the rough timeline rn) years straight#like i already dont have to explain why thats bad on its own but hyperfixating on a dead civilization that long#to the point where you almost entirely forgot your first language is Worse.#he's had so many spider bites and eaten parts of spiders that he's literally just immune to the venom now#Rana you'd think would be better off since she's like the traditional happy cheery character but I guess that's also why she's Not#being happy is a choice to her. she's lived through some of the worst shit but she keeps persisting because the world needs more love in it#she's going to be happy out of spite despite all the odds and she wants to give that to others as much as she can#this girl walks in and out of the Nether every other month for potion ingredients like how 'okay' can she actually be really#Steve is probably like the most normal by comparison#but im not really sure how sane you can realistically qualify yourself to be when you've previously done DIY top surgery with a sword#that was not a fun day for neither Steve nor (pre transition) Rana but it worked! please dont do that again#no one else do it either neither of them would recommend it#he's not traumatized from that or anything but ill be damned if the gender dysphoria didnt win that day#but at the same time so did he. via the use of like 20 healing potions#thanks Rana#minecraft au mastertag
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my adhd hubris
#embers-hoots#so i needed to catch a train at 11:21#and i was like 'the bus at 10:42 will give me pleny of time'#but. crucial error#didnt check when bus arrives nor account for walk time from bus to train#walk is 15 minutes if you really rush#bus got me in at 11:12#fucking 9 minutes to get there on time#and through some stroke of dumb luck and my running broken up with asthma breaks#i made it 4 minutes to spare#(train ended up being 7 minutes late thank fuck#anyway
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not me pulling up to the starbucks drive thru looking as ugly as humanly possible only to realize that the cute barista boy is working and he got a haircut and he's even cuter than before i fear
#i want to say thank you to my two best friends: oversized sweatshirt and sunglasses for doing their best to hide me#anyway. i didnt see him for so long i thought he quit so i was like good for him but there he is rip me#let me tell u what im not going to do and that is end this hell year with a crush on top of everything else lol so im joking but also not#anyway not to be crazy but here's what happened. i got to the order thing and i was like i have a pickup pls#and i was like oh no it's him bc he's literally the only man that works at that starbucks and he was like ok! drive to the window#and i was like oh wait can i have 2 waters too and he was like oh. i got u :) and i was like.. noooo dont say things like that to me..#but i was like ok thank u!!! and then i get up there and he's about to hand me the drinks and im like ok yeah he's cuter than i remembered#then he pulls back the drinks and he's like oh wait actually do u need a drink carrier?? and i was like nah im good :) even though i did#and then he gives me 2 trenta waters!!!! trenta!! and im like thank u!!! and he's like yeah!!#anyway. thank u have a good day u too etc etc. but his smile really is sm else tbh.#Anyway. my scorpio venus is trying to break out of the prison i locked her up in but it's not happening.#especially bc if i have a crush. it's not a crush. but if i had a crush on him he'd end up being a scorpio that's just the way my life goes#and im not letting that happen again so im gonna keep watching gilmore girls and rory and dean to remind myself that i do not want or#need a relationship.#but that's a whole other issue bc im on the episode where they finally break up and then the jess thing is going to start#ok nevermind ill watch 48 hours instead ok bye
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Boy oh boy it's been a fucking year already...
I've been busy with life but I've been trying to find art I'm comfortable with and I've been very into the Witcher lately so I've of course made a bunch of ocs. I really really wanna talk about them but I don't think I wanna do that on this blog, so I'll probably end up making yet another side blog for them
I'm really not super active anywhere else besides instagram these days as far as posting (even then it's not much) but I'd really like to try and actually do something like commissions, I know I keep talking about doing them then not following through but I want to keep this promise to myself that I will get there
I dont really know what I want out of this post honestly, I guess to just say hi and I might become more active? But who knows with how things are
#i miss being active but i know i needed a break#but then i ended up just being on other social media basically doom scrolling so that didnt really solve anything#hhhhhhhhh#i need to go to sleep....
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*crawls out of hole coughing, covered in soot, disheveled and very tired*
I-
I drew on 2 post it notes...
*fucking dies*
#hey its better than nothing#im actually a little upset. i really wanted to draw today but because if the heat and my uber autism that didnt happen :(#im trying to power through it but damn. eepy...#taking little video game breaks seems to help wake me up and get my focus back#youtube does the opposite and i wish it to burn...#and tumblr but tumblr has my friends so it shall be spared#so. getting there!!!!#slowly. but im getting there!#also i might be getting my adhd appointment soon so god hope something good comes from that#if i do have it and they give me them drugs they better work as good as everyone says or ill be pissed#but at the end of the day the lack of art is a me problem and a skill issue#again im making progress whoch os good. aswell as even small post it note drawings are better than none at all#also i need to stop overthinking art. thats my biggest damn problem#anyway night night#random rambles
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