#so i am going to start by redownloading discord and things...

[ameliiorate]

life came at me fast, hard, and continually (and still is tbh) so i won't get into all of it but i hope it's still okay to come back 🥺

[locke-n-k3y]

As we've gotten the last episode of dungeons and daddies of the year I wanted to take a bit of time to just kind of reflect on my experience with the series and what it's meant to me since I found, this will be an obnoxious long post and will be alot about my past relationship which was in short terms, not good, so please feel free to skip this post, it's more catharsis for me than anything

Up until July this year I'd been in a relationship for seven years, from the ages of 11-18 which is what I am now, over the course of those seven years I had my resolve drained out of me until I had no friends, no social media besides instagram and was steadily pulling away from my family to the point they were like strangers to me. I binded every day and endured constant transphobia and bodyshaming because I sincerely believed we were like soulmates (both trans and both outcasted) and it was meant to be.

This is all of course bad, but one of the most sinister things he did that I wouldn't have expected was he completely disabled ny ability to enjoy things. Prior to our relationship I was a phannie, I shipped Klance, I watched sanders sides religiously, I was a blossoming furry and brony and I liked these things loudly and proudly. And he made fun of and belittled these interests until I stopped participating in each and every one of them, until all my interests were either ones shared with him or ones he deemed acceptable.

And it didn't hit me how hard that followed me out of the relationship until I had to sit down and think about what I was into, and I came up totally blank, everything I liked was either tainted by memories of him or I had stopped engaging with so many years ago I wouldn't even know where to pick it up again.

And then like Mercy descending from the clouds I decided to go back through my podcasts and pick one, just one, and I happened to land on dndads. I'd previously listened to episode one with him but it had been a resounding no on his end so I put it down and never looked back. Until now. I hit play on that first episode and the next two weeks were a complete blur as I binged every ounce of content, after I caught up on the first two seasons at breakneck pace I used my meager funds to sub to the patreon and listened through everything there as well.

It was the first time in seven freaking years I'd been this excited about anything, I was going on walks as an excuse to listen to more, I was obsessively looking for fans on tiktok and posting in the discord. I was stimming more than I had in my whole life and talking again, in a lot of ways it felt like looking at myself again, I cut my hair and dyed it blonde (totally not because of Henry) I started buying clothes that I actually liked because I felt more confident in myself.

And then after unsuccessfully hunting for a community I said fuck it and redownloaded tumblr, somehow remembered the login to this account and I posted some fanart of Scary Marlowe, honestly not expecting anything to come of it, and then it got some reblogs, people liked it and I kept posting and I made moots and I talked to people and just-

I cannot thank the daddies themselves enough for bringing me into this and I cannot thank literally every single person who has ever liked or reblogged one of my posts, especially my moots, enough. You guys seriously made what was shaping up to be the worst year of my life the best year ever, and I'm not like better, it's only been 5 months and I'm very much still shaking off his effects but things are okay, O-A-K if you will, and I'm more confident that like I will be okay if that makes sense? So just like yeah, thank you, seriously, I love this fandom and everyone in it so much and this whole not-a-bdsm-podcast thing really helped me in a very very dark time <3

[fandom-sheep]

MCC 18 SEP 21

Yellow Yacks and Cyan Coyotes with a little Aqua Axolotls. Part 1/1

The only reason I didn’t forget MCC was because I got the notification for Eret.

I have Wilbur on my TV. I’m going to watch Eret on my phone. And I’ll have Tommy on my iPad probably.

Wilbur throwing a tantrum and saying he won’t play.

I feel like a true Gen Z member with my multiple screens of minecraft.

I’m only just getting the Wilbur notification.

I love watching everyone run around before MCC and scale things.

Griefing the thumbnail. 😂

Wilbur just causes problems on purpose when it comes to group photos doesn’t he.

He just loves finding ways to cause problems.

Wilbur got a coconut!?!

I didn’t mean to type the question mark originally. But I am a bit confused.

Wilbur just stocking up on coconuts

True friendship is a quote book. I have several.

Baby banana boo.

Wait. I heard the word tumblr

Scott what did you do with tumblr?

I’m scared. Only Eret permitted on tumblr.

I remember watching hole in the wall as a tv show as a kid.

Wilbur’s glasses that don’t do anything.

There are September discounts for subbing?

Neato.

The conversations in my work discord are something else.

Not surprised that Wilbur is going for top swearer of MCC

But my residents are going to walk by my door and judge me.

Alright I apparently wasn’t signed in to twitch on my iPad and it took me entirely too long to learn to remember it.

Tommy looks like he’s really concentrating. Oh wait never mind.

Wow the yaks are in first currently. I might be cheering for a winning team for once.

Alright I have my iPad split screen between Tommy and the MCC website.

Everyone break the elevator!

In the game, not in the building I work. I don’t want that paperwork.

Stick together and place many block.

I’ve been in Wilburs position. “I’ll be captain” “yeah let’s let Wilbur be captain”

Not a single POV I have up is synced. But that’s life.

Oh not starting out strong.

Just keep going. Ignore the falling people just like ranboo last time.

We are at the absolute bottom for this game.

Where’s a bag of popcorn or something?

“Stay down there. That’s how I won that one time” -Ranboo

Down they go.

They didn’t have anywhere to run.

Second round!

Oh that wasn’t their best idea. It was fun seeing Erets POV of that.

Go Teams.

Turning down the volume on yellow yacks to listen to aqua axolotls.

Aqua please. You have so much potential.

Nope.

Switching audio again.

Yellow back at the bottom.

Ranboo ranboo ranboo ranboo

Down he goes. 😂 the timing of that was funny.

Please. Don’t die

Wilbur. Scott. Please.

Scott uncovering the creeper.

Their plan is literally just sit and be.

To be fair that’s my plan for everything I do.

Oh cobwebs are smart.

I’m eating very salty Chick-fil-A chips and need water.

We are still doing ok. Wow.

Cobwebs man. The real MVP.

They are still in 10th

COBWEBS!!! And Wilbur standing on the edge of a block.

THEY WON THAT?!?!!!!

It moved them from last to eight. But still. Wow.

Holy cow. How did that happen.

I always forget what the acronym game is.

Oh yeah. Wilbur snuck and found this. I remember.

Go team!

Oh the website updates faster than the game. But we’re starting off decent.

I’m going to have to take back that statement aren’t I?

Go go go go

Fly fly fly fly

Build build build build

Go Wilbur!

Rafter strat.

Wilbur found the rafters and everyone else loved it.

Blocking his own jump. 😂

I really should do the inside joke chair emoji thing for laughing. But I don’t care.

Tiktok is nice. Depends on the side you are on, but it’s nice.

We are doing halfway decent. I’m proud of us.

Wilbur is struggling and I think he might cry.

Not bad. I don’t think.

Power sweater.

This game in MCC has rainbow road vibes

I’ll have to make that it’s own post since I feel that’ll be popular ish.

Holy cow we hit first on the website!! How?

Ranboo sweet one.

They said no peaking to Wilbur.

Wilbur making them block stuff off and the like is so funny.

Run yaks run!

I missed the moment Wilbur just mentioned. Oh well I’m sure I’ll see the clip.

First last first.

Hey 4th overall. Look at em.

Wilbur switching to full screen to show us his M&Ms.

Let me balance my water bottle on the bedpost above my head. No way this could possibly go wrong in multiple ways.

Double coins. Gorgeous.

Chickens are being sniped.

What’s going to work? TEAM WORK!

I don’t think I have ever watched a game of grid runners in my life?

Alright game should start any second because it started on the website.

Alright stream is delayed about 13 seconds.

Go teams go!

Wilbur just sniping targets.

We’re doing ok.

All this dirt.

Go go go

We’re completing things first.

Cake!

Wilbur got in!

Now they eat

Oh but they are falling.

Oh wow the painting is complicated. My friends and I would fail to communicate so fast.

Is this lever thing just find the button but complicated?

Go you got the levers!

Items grab!

My friends and I would seriously struggle unless I was allowed the lead. But I would lead us off a cliff.

Everyone get ready to go in as soon as the cake is done.

Exit! You guys are so close! Please!

Woohoo!

Go Ranboo! Go Scott!

Come on guys. Come on. Good communication.

I think I like watching Wilbur with MCC because he had a similar strategy to what I would do.

Wilbur why did you try to act cool!!!

They keep saying they are miles ahead but not according to that scoreboard.

You placed 3rd. Good job y’all.

I’m excited for bonuses.

They have another minute until the others run out of time.

Good soup.

Oh wow. Ranboo and Wilbur really are always totgehe.

We are doing well. I see the board changing on the website so much.

Where will they land.

Looks like 2nd or 3rd

Fourth overall. Not bad.

Lap time is logical.

Audience vote?

Look at me redownloading twitter.

Can you not see how others have voted on twitter?

Oh there it is. It only showed mine for a sec there.

Battle box looks close. I voted ace race.

Oh it all looks close right now.

Long break my beloved.

I don’t have time to start my laundry but still. My beloved.

Game 5/8 so MCC won’t be too much longer.

I look up and Wilbur is shaking his ass at George. I’m not surprised.

Phil and Sneeg judging Wilbur.

Wilbur twerking on Phil and Sneeg joining.

Poor Phil.

Wilbur just having visited so many random places with so many random words just gathered.

Oh wow parkour tag is low. But so is sands.

Oh wow it was a tie. Between Sands and Parkour

“Wilbur is Sand Daddy” -Scott and then all the agreement noises.

Sands of Time is my favorite practical game

Maybe because Wilbur is really good at it. And Ranboo had been trained by him.

This is just good.

I swear Sand daddy is going to kill me during this.

I am just going to pass away.

My stream delay though.

Wilbur who says he stays very quiet as he makes circus music noises.

Minecraft Rhinos. Because I can’t spell their real name.

I don’t quite understand sand of time. But I like watching. It’s like college football.

I am missing the only college football game I care about for MCC.

Go Team.

No blue yet.

All the mobs.

“You better not die” sung to the tune of Santa clause is coming yo town. -Wilbur

Keep it up guys.

Oh no. They lost the key.

Oh good they found the key.

You can tell Wilbur had a musicians brain. He just hears something vaguely lyrical and starts singing a song.

Gotta promote your band whenever you can I guess.

I listened to the last Ep for like an hour and a half yesterday while I went about my day.

I wonder how we’re doing?

Only a few seconds.

I could warm a heating pad in the amount fo time they have left.

Ranboo doing these puzzles so amazingly.

Quit caring about what others think. Just do your thing.

I swear the sand daddy thing.

I love the cage of shame for not tracking your sand.

I zoned out. Red cyan orange?

We’re almost 15 minutes into sands.

I want to play Minecraft on my iPad right now.

Wait the website updated. We were 6th?

Yikes. I thought they did better.

3rd overall though!

Wait what was that about most influential improv thingy? Good for them.

Build mart!

Oh Ace Race. Wilbur calling Ace Race his girlfriend now.

I want to see the enemies to lovers fan fictions of Ace race and Wilbur.

Oh wait I can do that. I can verbally tell one like I have others in the past.

I’m excited to watch this.

Wilbur flirt with the race.

I’m not mentally prepared for this.

Everyone just joined because they don’t want to miss Wilbur x Ace Race.

Oh no. He’s not doing so well.

Oh Wilbur is giving us more.

Complicated history…

Whispering to Ace Race and Solidarity.

You’ve got it Wilbur.

Keep on talking. Keep your brain busy while you play.

Mommmm Wilbur is flirting with Ace Race again!

He’s whispering though so I can’t quite hear it and will have to find a clip channel that added subtitles.

Oh teams are changing on the website.

“What are you doing in my women Philza?” -Wilbur

“I will end your bloodline which is canonically also me.” -Wilbur

I can not track all the quotes from this. That’s beyond my abilities.

Wilbur did halfway decent, but it still uncomfortable.

Ace Race is a person now. Also the fact that Wilbur compliments Ace Race so much.

Sally v. Ace Race.

I want to find that fanart now.

Scott honey. Confirmed cannon is everyone fancies the fish.

4th. Not bad.

We’re still talking Ace Race x Wilbur

Build mart! My dearest buildmart!

I miss them sliding around in the sleds.

Grab da flowers!

We’re in 1st at the minute.

Come on yaks!

No coyotes!

Hurry hurry hurry.

Work discord going it’s thing again.

Oh we’re dropping fast.

Move the redstone! Thank you

Alright back on top. Keep it up.

Nevermind.

I love the way the build spaces for the different teams work.

Who is the person on the build?

Oh first again? Nevermind.

Oh we popped up to second. We’re so behind. Come on.

Duck!

Good soup energy. Now all I can think is the bi wide energy song.

Time is running out.

Yeah we aren’t catching up to first. Just hold second.

Where is granite?

Game over.

Third overall now. Not bad. Last game time they can possibly pull it into dodge bolt.

I need to go get a picture with the President of the university for a game with my work.

Good Soup.

I’m sitting here making popcat noises while waiting.

Game time! Go team! Survive!

Wait where did the steamer go? I wasn’t paying attention.

He’s back.

He’s swearing for his points on the swearing list.

Is pee a soup? No. I don’t think it’s think enough under normal circumstances.

Karl is apparently swearing according to Twitter. Good for him. He deserves to swear some as a treat.

Everyone running and leaving shubble.

Oh good they are all together.

Just keep running.

4th so far.

Cars. Beep beep.

Ranboo breath child.

Calling Wilbur like some kind of golden retriever.

Bow boy

Scott is leader now. Because otherwise they are arguing.

We are playing the don’t die strategy.

Come on team.

Did I put my cut in this post? I did.

Ranboo having stolen the airdrop. And he has a thing!

Oh the boarder is right behind them.

They are fighting Dream?

Nice Will.

We’re in fourth.

Boarder is right there.

Sapnap? Nope.

Pink attack and they book it.

Oh no. There goes Wilbur.

Is it just Scott?

Scott vs the world.

Just Organe and pink. They came third.

GO ORANGE!

Please. Please let us do it.

Overall third. Pink overtook yellow.

Sadness.

Ranboo has achieved: Found Hated Game

Ranboo has been hit by Survival games so many times now.

If they had just lasted a tiny bit longer they would have come second.

Cheering Orange I suppose.

I have no skill at picking winner POVs.

I have 3 teams I was at least kinda watching. And none of them are in dodgebolt.

Gosh can hear Ranboo tweaking.

Wow. Yellow yaks just as a team twerking.

What is Wilbur chewing on? Wilbur don’t chew on things that probably aren’t meant to be chewed on.

I can hear the band outside of my window. I think my campuses football game is starting.

The drum line practiced outside my window all the beginning of the semester so it’s fun seeing them march to the stadium.

Oh and there are the cheerleaders.

Oh right I was watching MCC! Who’s winning?

Come on Orange. So close.

Wait I looked out my window. Why is the band walking back to where they were?

Along the sidewalk?

I thought it was game time for a minute.

Oh dodgebolt could go either way.

Distracted by Jesus.

Grian! You got this!

Nice Grian.

Oh Grian has a chance!

Oh!

Oh!

It’s so close!

Ooo ooo!

I’m so invested.

I SEE THE CONFETTI IN THE SITE! But I don’t want to miss the shot.

Come on Grian.

I know you do it. But you’ve got this

YESSSSS

Woo hoo!!

That was a good MCC. Now to do the chores and homework I originally planned to do today.

That was a nice stream.

Scott is separating Ranboo and Wilbur?

Please. Scott.

Don’t separate the beings.

You know. Twitter needs to politely bully Scott into keeping Ranboo and Will together.

Oop and that’s Wilbur done. That was fun.

See y’all next time!

[datingintampafails]

Chapter 29 Malcolm* AKA the microwave

As promised to my best friend, no dating was allowed until I got my second COVID-19 vaccine. However, I asked her for permission to download Tinder, not in order to seriously find someone, but in order to play a fun game that my friends and I titled “Tinder Roulette.” My request was granted. Of course, the deal was that I would have to delete Tinder right after the game ended.

The rules were set up so that you yourself are not punished for “being hot” or attracting people, rather you are punished for the other players’ attractiveness, and if you attract the wrong kind of people. The exact rules were as follows:

Only swipe right on guys you would want to go on a date with.

If you get a match, everyone else drinks.

Super liked on someone you swipe right on? Everyone else has to chug for 5 seconds

See someone you know, YOU drink

You get a message, other people have to drink.

If you get a DTF (down to fuck?) message (or similar hok up culture energy) you have to finish your drink.

With the rules in hand, my two girl friends and I met on Discord and added video chat as well so that we could easily share images/show who we were looking at. It was a great time, showing each other hot men as well as just straight weirdos. I came across a profile of a decent-looking guy, who had a tagline in his bio comparing himself to microwave in a depreciating joking way. I matched with him and got permission from the group to message him first. “What wattage of microwave are you?” He answered 1000 which was agreed upon that that would be the “right answer.” Upon chatting with him more, we all decided to invite this guy into our discord and see if he was weird or not.

He joins in and also had his video camera on, so we could see what he was up to. His computer was in his bedroom, where he had LED lights all around and an American Flag on the wall. He proves to definitely be an extroverted individual, and placed himself center spotlight, engaging with everyone in the discord call, while also of course trying to get to know me. I did tell him about the tinder roulette, and also told him that I was not technically available right now due to the deal with my best friend and that I would be able to date 10 days from then when I was getting my last vaccine. He was amenable to this and was happy to wait for me. He messages me personally via discord and on Tinder for asides, telling me I look pretty or asking me this and that.

Despite this, many things are notable about the group discord conversation, as by this point there are a few men hanging out in the same channel along with my two girlfriends. Malcolm* chooses to share quite a few things about himself. For example, he says that he also recently matched with a woman who was 42. Not only was she older but that she had an Only Fans account. Later he would say that she sent him a video of her having sex with someone; when he did not respond in a “timely manner,” the woman blocked him on Instagram. He also brought up that he had sex with a woman that was 55. He did not specify how long ago this was, just that it happened.

I was very confused about why this man would think these things were appropriate and a normal thing to talk about with people you just met. Once Tinder roulette was called to an end, he still stuck around. He and one of the guys starting talking about guns and I spaced out as this isn’t the kind of conversation that appeals to me. He catches on to this, as he can see me probably detaching from my body via my expressive face. He asks for my number via Tinder. I remind him about my inability to date at the moment but allow him to text me. Already, I am not super enthralled by this gentleman; he seems just bizarre and kind of a whore.

He is the kind of guy that just randomly sends selfies. Just strange. I realize as well that he isn’t truly attractive, at least to me. He is constantly asking me questions to get to know me, which is sweet and endearing if I was interested, but becomes annoying as time goes on. He makes many comments casually/intermittently in his replies, talking about public hair and too much information. Through this, I learn he gets his pubic hair waxed monthly. I didn’t even know this was even an option. I learn that it is dangerous to wax your testicles. The more you know, but I also could have completely done without knowing this information.

That day I get a different vaccination, and it makes me very tired, so I relax the rest of that day.

There’s a time he Facetimes me, I decline. I honestly am not in the mood to talk to this guy that is just… overwhelming. I simply just text him “I’m too tired to talk.” That is enough to get me out of that. He makes a comment that at this point, “if it was 9 days you would get a massage.” Blah. I don’t respond to this. I don’t talk to him the rest of that day.

Nine or so hours later, he messages me, almost desperately, wishing me good sleep and hoping I feel better, and says “sorry for texting you a lot.” This kind of energy from men is a huge turn-off; I call it the “woe is me” behavior.

I text him in the morning saying I had already fallen asleep when he last text me and said I hoped he had a good day. We have small talk but more or less don’t talk.

The next day, now Tuesday, he checks on me. My arm that the vaccine was injected into is in excruciating, burning pain down the entire arm and my hands. Work is almost unbearable. I share this with him and say I’ll likely be going to urgent care after work. He goes full “simp” mode and says that he will do anything for me and order me food if I need it. I decline but thank him. I don’t respond to more of his attempts to cheer me up. He sends me a puppy gif, A “hang in there” text, another selfie. I do not respond to any of this.

At urgent care, I’m more or less told nothing is wrong and to give it more time. My searing pain continues and so I have no patience for this overzealous individual.

Now Wednesday, five days or so after matching with him, he wishes me a good day, making this his fifth text in a row. I do not respond until the end of the day, 10 hours later. This is both because of my blatant disinterest, and I had a busy day. By this time as well, I have redownloaded Hinge, and have started chatting with my next two chapters, which are more entertaining and positive conversations.

That was that. When I didn’t talk to him again, I received a text from him two days later, and that’s when things got more uncomfortable.

After that, I blocked his number. Months later he liked me on hinge and his message was “Well I’m covid free but I know you hate me.” I did not accept his like. Gag me with a spoon please, these “woe is me” boys are emotionally exhausting.

[hyper-fixate]

I Made Stuff in 2020

Many thanks to @mprosperossprite for the tag

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5 favorite works (fics, art, edits, etc.) you’ve created this year and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you’ve brought into the world in 2020. If you don’t have five published works, that’s fine! Include ideas/drafts/whatever you like that you’ve worked on/thought about, and talk a little about them instead! Remember, this is all about self-love and positive enthusiasm, so fuck the rules if you need to. Have fun, and tag as many fellow creators as you like so they can share the love! <3

This is not really a year in review, so much as August onwards in review. Because that’s when I watched the Old Guard, redownloaded tumblr on my phone and wrote fanfic for the first time since 2005 (my ffnet username is not the same as AO3, thank god) but I would not have continued to do so with the out the amazing tumblr, AO3 and Discord support. I love you all, you have have made 2020 something special!

1. You wouldn’t believe the dream I just had about you and me - My second complete fanfic ever. It’s my most popular fic and I still get comments and kudos and reblogs on it. I stumbled on a reblog of unique soulmate AUs and the one about laughter in their dreams just stuck with me. And I loved the differences between Joe’s laugh (when Nicky loses the bet) where he’s so amused, he nearly launches himself off the chair. And Nicky’s little laugh when Joe asks ‘bedhead?’ These two just absolutely slay me.

2. No Other Name But Mine - This was just posted, but I love it so MUCH. Is Fey x Witch AU a thing? Can I make it a thing?! Thanks to my shocking reading comprehension, I thought someone had posted a fic about magical healing hands. Their fic was not about that, but I just couldn’t stop thinking about Nicky healing Joe with real magic. I am waist deep in this AU and wild plot appeared at midnight the other night, so this ‘verse is definitely not done.

3. All my love, sacrified - Did I really need to do a Quynh fic in Whumptober? Has she not suffered enough? I was really hesitant to write Quynh because I’ve only seen the film, so there really isn’t a lot to go on. But actually, I love writing her. I tried to make this about Quynh’s relationship with her family (Andy, Lykon, Joe and Nicky) and how they shaped her. Also, I discovered my BROTP in Joe and Quynh. Chaotic, sweet badasses.

4. Honey, there is no right way - This fic was the fic that started the Dom!Nicky fanclub. I am the shameless president of this club because Sub!Joe deserves all the praise and soft domming. Let Nicky wrap this boy up in pretty leather cuffs and let him float in subspace. Thank you so much for the patrons of the All & More Discord Tavern for supporting me wholeheartedly in my obsession with this universe. I promise I will actually finish the rest of these chapters at some point!

5.  What time leaves behind - This is the most indulgent fic that has ever fic’ed. I wrote this one day when I was missing home so much it hurt like a physical ache. It’s blossomed from there to include: arguements about the correct type of pancakes with my continental friends, stargazing with family, and the two yet unadded chapters about comfort duing panic attacks and mourning a loved one. These drabbles are very much working through my own shit via the old guard characters and I hold it so close to my heart.

Honorable Mention: Thirst Trap - I mean, c’mon. It’s my dirty little ficlets. I love it :D

Thanks so much, all my TOG loves, for making 2020 worth it. I will be seeing you with my big bang in the new year and probably more smut and highly self indulgent AUs. I honestly cannot tell you how much I love talking to you and seeing all your works.

I have made so many friends who I admire and brighten my day constantly and I’m sorry I cannot tag them all but if you’re about and you want to play: @fereldenturnip @ournextdoorneighbor @scimitar-and-longsword @mrsimoshen @avengersnewb (I’m about to fight the tumblr tag! arghhhh!) If y’all are inspired to do this year end recap too (whether tagged or not), please tag me! I’d love to read about your triumphs too!

[heyyouwiththeprettyface18]

Where I've Been and My Relationship with Social Media

Do I think anyone actually cares about this and missed my presence online? Well yeah. I have friends on here so I would like to imagine they did. I had one amazing and lovely soul sending me memes during my break and I love her for it! Am I screaming into the void in a way to work out my own emotional state? Well, yeah. This isn't for notes. This is for me.

It all started about two years ago. One of my best friends in the whole world, who I will refer to as Amy, messaged me one day before school and told me that she was stepping away from social media. She was deleting snapchat, Instagram, facebook and any other various profiles she had. At the time I felt like King George in 'I Know Him', I wasn't aware that was something a person could do. Why would this gorgeous, college age student want to get rid of her social media? Didn't she want to be connected to the rest of the world? Didn't she want the validation from her peers? Didn't she want to just be able to look up someone and know everything she ever needed to know about them? Keep in mind this was the time where I considered myself something of an internet sleuth for my friends, family and occasionally teachers (Shout out to Mr. Hunter). But she was my friend. And I was going to support the hell out of whatever Amy wanted to do.

To this day she is still off social media and she is happier than ever. And that freedom she felt from society constantly throwing all sorts of unachievable standards in her face all the time? Slowly became more attractive to me as I got older. A while ago, maybe around the same time Amy deleted everything (I really can't remember) I uninstalled Facebook from my phone. It was so freeing? I didn't have to see all the negativity on there and the politics from my father's side of the family. It was so nice. That's when I got my first taste for it. This freedom. But that's about all I did until my first year in college.

December - February were weird months for me. Specifically when I was at school. Looking back on it, some of the reasons why it was so weird seem trivial. But at the time they meant everything to me. It seemed like I was losing some irl friends and a few online ones. Not to mention college chemistry and accounting made me breakdown about 10 times total. I remember calling another one of my best friends, Ellie for the sake of the story, sobbing. I felt so genuinely alone. I felt like all the people up at my school either just barely tolerated me or hated me. I think that's the loneliest I've ever been.

You might be wondering why this has anything to do with social media? Well. Let me tell you. This emotional breakdown of mine happened after I saw a photo posted of two of my friends out getting doughnuts from our favorite place without me. It's so stupid. But I was in a very fragile place. I was trying to figure out a lot of things. Classes, friends, sexuality, past trauma, self worth, whether or not I should have gone to therapy. Looking back on it, Jesus Christ I wish I did. It was just a lot. So in a brash decision I deactivated my Instagram. Didn't tell anyone. Didn't think anyone would care. People did. So after about a week I reactivated it. I couldn't stand not knowing what people (aka Tom Holland and Taylor Swift) where posting. So I chugged along.

And then a fucking Pandemic happened.

It's nice to be home. I'm a total mama's girl and am attached to her at the hip. Which is another reason why I wasn't doing so hot at college looking back on it. But all I was doing at home was my class work and scrolling through the toxicity that is Twitter, the pretty photos of Instagram or Tiktok. I would get frustrated at the people not wearing masks or that people were still going out in public. And it slowly worked at my nerves.

Before I knew it, Black Lives Matter was in full swing because of the disgusting murder of George Floyd by the racist police officer. There are two things you need to know about me: I am extremely empathetic and I have seen some shit. I have never been so distrusted or viscerally affected by a piece of footage in my whole life. After that, I was on Twitter reading and retweeting everything I could. Signing every petition I saw pop up. Trying to educate myself. And I did. I will be the first to admit, I still have a lot to learn what it means to be a good ally. But the negativity and guilt I was feeling, was coming from me. Nothing I did felt good enough. I wasn't able to attend protests because of online classes and I was only able to donate about $20 dollars to charity because I am not working right now. It just didn't feel good enough in my eyes. I wanted to do so much more. And for the record I still want to do more. I'm looking into ways that I can help the BLM movement, even though I am currently off social media.

And that's when something happened that I wasn't expecting. I was rewatching an old episode in Jacksepticeye's animal crossing series where he went off on a tangent about social media and mental health. I was making breakfast while I was watching it. I stopped dead in my tracks and listened to what he had to say. And I kept it in my as I watched the current state of my YouTube life get turned upside a few weeks ago.

That's when I realized social media was really hurting my mental health. That day I deleted Twitter from my phone and deactivated Instagram again. At this point I had already deleted Tumblr from my phone because at the time I thought this site was the soul reason I was unhappy with my relationship on the internet. This was the first time I purged myself of all three of these social medias at that the same time. Also I stopped looking at snapchat stories and privated a lot of my boards on Pinterest. And it was so good. I have been so much happier since cutting the negativity and helplessness I felt out of my life. I was calmer. I allowed myself to focus on the things that made me happy.

I was getting to hang out with my friends a little bit more. I started playing DnD and am in love with my character. I started taking more Polaroids. I was taking drives. I'd sit at the park with ice cream and enjoy summer. Dancing alone in my house. I was writing again and developing characters that I've had for years that are desperate need of a face lift. Baking and cooking again. Watching things that made me happy. I was living for me and finding positivity in my life again.

And I still am. It's still a work in progress sometimes to be happy like I want to be. But I'm willing to put in that work. It just so happened that cutting social media and that tie to society was what I needed. It was a small step, but it put me in a good direction. I've decided to come back to Tumblr and take my blog back for me and ignore some of the personal reasons why I got rid of it in the first place. This was a power move for me, and I'm happy to be back.

I've been debating about making a new Instagram account, to follow a select number of friends but probably not. I'll be damned if I ever redownload Twitter on my phone again. So if you're one of my mutuals and you want to talk outside of tumblr the social medias I still have are: discord, pinterest, and snapchat.

TL;DR: I got really sad and frustrated. So I pulled a Taylor Swift pre REP era and disappeared. I'm doing pretty good and am still working on achieving my definition of happiness. And if I had to give advice, I guess I'd say that take a week break from social media see how you feel. Who knows, you might not even miss it.

Remember: Drink water, moisturize, wear a mask, Black Lives Matter and Always Keep Fighting

W/ Love,

Laura

[nb-nebula]

Hey so, I don’t really post on here anymore, and I guess I just wanted to update everyone on why.

I’m actually doing really well lately, like I’m actually insanely stressed out right now and am dealing with a depressive episode and I’m still significantly better than I have been for the majority of my life, and feel semi-confident that even given my circumstances, things are only looking up from here. I deleted tumblr both to try and cut down on the insane amount of time I’d been wasting just scrolling through it when I should’ve been doing work, and because being on here just. reminded me too much of worse times. Tumblr was really important to me for a very long time and was basically my lifeline to an understanding world in my formative years, whether that was for the better or the worse I couldn’t tell you, but regardless i’m grateful for all the great friends i made and times I’ve had on here.

I’ll be honest - I’m probably not coming back. I might redownload the app over winter or summer when I’m working in a kitchen and with my family and hating life again, and I have two sideblogs I may visit to tend to occasionally, but I highly doubt I’ll ever be on here regularly again. Honestly, kicking tumblr has been really good for me, because even though twitter has partially filled the void that it left, I’ve still cut down tremendously on mindless scrolling and wasted far less of my time on my phone, and generally have been much more mentally healthy.

So yeah. I’m doing really shitty right now, but also way better than the rest of my life since i started using tumblr and met a lot of the y’all. I love all of you and honestly, you’re welcome to reach out and talk to me on twitter or discord, but tbh I barely have time to talk to my offline friends because of all the shit that’s happening so responses are gonna be far and few between.

Thank you all for the great memories, for supporting me through my hellish teen years, and I’m especially grateful I was able to share this new blog with my partner and make some memories with them before I left. I’ll probably never delete this blog, but my old ones may be erased within the next year since I’ve been less and less fond of the idea of having some of the information I shared about myself on them, and definitely don’t have the time to go through and just scrub that instead of fully deleting them.

I love y’all, and I hope all of you who were struggling like I was make it to happy times as well.

[hydrus]

Version 305

windows

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I had a great week with a bunch more downloader overhaul work done. The new parsing system now kicks in in a few more places and some sites now support url drag-and-drop by default.

new gallery parsers

I have tightened up last week's improvements on the new gallery page downloader and integrated it into regular downloader pages and subscriptions. Now, if the client recognises a url in any downloader or sub and knows how to parse it in the new system, it will use that new parser seamlessly.

I have also written new parsers for pixiv, danbooru, safebooru, and e621 for exactly this, so if you use any of those, you may notice they now populate the 'source time' column of the file import status window (which is useful for subscription check timing calculations) or that these parsers now pull and associate additional 'source urls' from the files' pages (so although you may download from danbooru, you might also get a new known pixiv url along the way).

A neat thing about these parsers is that if one of these additional source urls has already been seen by the client, the client can use that to pre-determine if the file is 'already in db' or 'previously deleted' before the file is downloaded, just like it would the main post url, saving time and bandwidth. The danbooru and e621 ones even pull md5/sha1 hashes and check those, so if everything works right, you should never have to redownload anything from danbooru or e621 again!

I also fixed the pixiv downloader more generally, which I had broken in last week's url normalisation update (and due to some other pixiv-specific stuff). I apologise for the inconvenience--everything should be working again (although you may have some useless bad urls from v304 that are missing the 'mode=medium' component that you may wish to skip/delete rather than let error-out), and the new pixiv parser fetches the romaji versions of tags now as well. Manga pages aren't supported yet, and tag searching is still down, but as I roll out some more gallery stuff here, I think I'll be able to figure something out.

Another upshot of the new parsers is that the client can now receive these sites' post urls as drag-and-drop events. Try dragging and dropping a danbooru file post url (like this https://danbooru.donmai.us/posts/2689241 ) on the client--it should all get imported in a new 'urls downloader' automatically, with all the new url association and everything! (You might want to check the new 'manage default tag import options' under the 'network' menu before you try this--the whole download system has a foot in two worlds at the moment, and while some parts pull TIO from the old system, the new url-based auto-stuff looks there.)

And lastly, with the help of @cuddlebear on the discord, there is a comprehensive yiff.party API parser in place, also with drag-and-drop support. Due to the shape of the data that yiff.party presents, this creates a thread watcher. You can even set these watchers to check like every 30 days or so, _and they should work_ and keep up with new files as they come in, but I recommend you just leave them as [DEAD] one-time imports for now: I expect to integrate 'watchable' import sources into the proper subscription system by the time this overhaul is done, which I think is probably the better place for more permanent and longer-period watchables to go.

I am pleased with these changes and with how the entire new downloader system is coming together. There is more work to do--gallery parsing and some kind of search object are the next main things--but we are getting there. Over the next weeks, I will add new parsers for all the rest of the default downloaders in the client (and then I can start deleting the old downloader code!).

other stuff

Import pages now report their total file progress after their name! They now give "(x, y/z)", where x=number of files in page, y=number of queue items processed, z=number of queue items unknown. If y=z, only "(x)" is reported. Furthermore, this y/z progress adds up through layers of page of pages!

If you try to close a page of pages (or the whole application), and multiple import pages want to protest that they are now yet finished importing, are you sure you want to close y/n, the client now bundles all their protests into a single yes/no dialog!

If manage subs takes more than a second to load, it'll now make a little popup telling you how it is doing.

full list

fixed the pixiv url class, which was unintentionally removing a parameter

wrote a pixiv parser in the new system, fixing a whole bunch of tag parsing along the way, and also parses 'source time'! by default, pixiv now fetches the translated/romaji versions of tags

finished a safebooru parser that also handles source time and source urls

finished an e621 parser that also handles source time and source urls and hash!

wrote a danbooru parser that also handles source time and source urls and hash!

as a result, danbooru, safebooru, e621, and pixiv post urls are now drag-and-droppable onto the client!

finished up a full yiff.party watcher from another contribution by @cuddlebear on the discord, including url classes and a full parser, meaning yiff.party artist urls are now droppable onto the client and will spawn thread watchers (I expect to add some kind of subscription support for watchers in the future). inline links are supported, and there is source time and limited filename: and hash parsing

fixed some thread watcher tag association problems in the new system

when pages put an (x) number after their name for number of files, they will now also put an (x/y) import total (if appropriate and not complete) as well. this also sums up through page of pages!

if a call to close a page of pages or the application would present more than one page's 'I am still importing' complaint, all the complaints are now summarised in a single yes/no dialog

url downloader pages now run a 'are you sure you want to close this page' when their import queues are unfinished and unpaused

if the subscriptions for 'manage subscriptions' take more than a second to load, a popup will come up with load progress. the popup is cancellable

added a prototype 'open in web browser' to the thumbnail right-click share menu. it will only appear in windows if you are in advanced mode, as atm it mostly just launches the file in the default program, not browser. I will keep working on this

harmonised more old download code into a single location in the new system

created a neater network job factory system for generalised network requests at the import job level

created a neater presentation context factory system for generalised and reliable set/clear network job ui presentation at the import job level

moved the new downloader simple-file-download-and-import to the new file object and harmonised all downloader code to call this single location where possible

did the same thing with download-post-and-then-fetch-tags-and-file job and added hooks for in the subscription and gallery downloader loops (where a parser match for the url is found)

the simple downloader and urls downloader now use 'downloader instance' network jobs, so they obey a couple more bandwidth rules

harmonised how imported media is then presented to pages as thumbnails through the new main import object

the new post downloader sets up referral urls for the file download (which are needed for pixiv and anything else picky) automatically

improved file download/import error reporting a little

entering an invalid regex phrase in the stringmatch panel (as happens all the time as you type it) will now present the error in the status area rather than spamming popups

fixed a bug in the new parsing gui that was prohibiting editing a date decode string transformation

fixed enabling of additional date decode controls in the string transformations edit panel

added a hyperlink to date decoding controls that links to python date decoding explainer

if a source time in the new parsing system suggests a time in the future, it will now clip to 30s ago

misc downloader refactoring and cleanup

fixed an issue where new file lookup scripts were initialising with bad string transformation rows and breaking the whole dialog in subsequent calls, fugg

hid the 'find similar files' menu entry for images that have duration (gifs and apngs), which are not yet supported

added 'flip_debug_force_idle_mode_do_not_set_this' to main_gui shortcut set. only set it if you are an advanced user and prepared for the potential consequences

silenced a problem with newgrounds gallery parser--will fix it properly next week

fixed some old busted unit test code

rejiggered some thumb dupe menu entry layout

next week

I will try to fit in some more parsers, and I might take a stab at a 'multiple thread watcher' page for advanced users. There's also an experimental new 'open file in web browser' that I had mixed luck with this week and would like to pin down a good multiplat solution for.

[fluffcharoeuvre]

Journal 8: Progress with New Things and Loss of Other Things

As in I'm trying to get somewhere! :D Still forgetting to do these journals sooner, but hey, who doesn't like a Sunday update? With progress with sleep schedule: I forget if I even discuss this much, but I've been researching up some better positions while sleeping, and things to work with getting better sleep, so off goes the computer, off goes the tv, and close my 3DS's while keeping my back laying flat(as much as I can on a lumpy mattress), while keeping my legs lifted on a pillow. I use my body pillow folded over to help keep them lifted higher, along with keeping my blanket covering me and having my fan going to keep the room cooled. Guess what? It actually helps! The issue is staying asleep for long, so with my new computer keeping me out of my bed more, it starts to make my bed feel like a relaxing place to go to instead of sitting on it all day. When it was warmer a week ago, I was going out more for pokemon go, so once Spring comes through, I'll probably be a bit more active! Since my sleep schedule constantly shifts about between school and work, it is quite difficult to try to keep a set sleep schedule, but oh boy am I gonna try. One thing I'm going to do, especially since I have my tax return money backing me up, is move down to two days of work instead of three so I can have more time to adjust between work and school, as third shift job sucks when going to school :D Speaking of all things tax returns and such, I really am glad to have a financial backing to get a few commissions now, to finally have my new desktop, and can actually get some groceries over limiting myself to $35 a week X'D I'mma try to make it last til May cause that's when my semester ends, so have to make sure to keep at least $1,250 for bills for three months! Good luck me! As for my new desktop, tis why last week I wasn't able to get a journal out because I spent so much time focusing on getting it set up, and boy it was a hassle. First of all it is a gaming desktop, with strobe lights, yet no cd/dvd port, no wifi connection, usb ports RIGHT NEXT to the power and resent buttons, and said usb ports only have two in front, and two in back at least but it's annoying; also no sd card port D: I had to transfer all my files slowly(though was quicker through a homegroup thing between my laptop and desktop), had to get a wifi adapter, had to get a dvd player to connect with it, but on the upside got speakers, two monitors to use, and a sweet headset for calls. Took FOREVER to tinker with the settings to get my headset working right with discord, but eventually got it figured out as well ;u; Then it was off to downloading things like 3DS Max, livestreaming programs, and similar stuff to get things ready for homework, as having this desktop keeps me from having to drive to school constantly! Though on the downside of things: For weeks my external hard drive for my Wii U has been failing to connect, which held MOST of my save data; I tried connecting it to my computer for a bit to see if it would showed up, but nothing did at all; eventually gave up and plugged it back in my wii u, which, oddly was working, but wasn't playing any games that was on it...until I learned that my computer formatted it, which made it unrecognizable with me Wii U, so my desktop deleted all the save data for most of my games....I redownloaded all the lost virtual console titles and other games I got, but...everything was gone except for data for five games.... So, if I can manage, I'mma try to stream sometime down the road playing all these games to get back to where I was and actually finishing them; gonna be a fun ride, but hopefully things will work out this time and can have some new memories with these games. I'll end off this journal with a nutshell of my dream I had: Basically I was in this world where humans had bee stingers for some reason, and with a lot of stress I have had built up, I decided to release some by going to a ball, but had hover shoes. Imagine the first Iron Man movie where Stark was trying to figure out how to use his suit, and that is how much trouble I was having with the hover shoes, though instead of crashing, they had a mechanic to slow me down before I stopped anywhere. However, it didn't stop me from hitting chandeliers though, and with enough people getting scared the cops were called and I was detained. :'D For some reason I was considered mentally insane, and had to wear a cover for my stinger for awhile. Tis was quite embarrassing cause I also had to go to school and get transferred to special ed classes, not that special ed was embarrassing, it was having to wear the cover for the stinger and the fact I got detained. Later on, a lady crashed into me while driving, and when to go to her to exchange information, she ran, and I followed suit after finding a huge chunk of ice that filled the back seat that contained a dead man inside. Then I woke up when I caught her :D ~~ Shoutout of the week: @mytrainerisanidiot :3c ~~ Resolution progress: Journals: 8 out 52 Game Level: Learning some platforming mechanics Comic: Working on background drawings