#so glad i left like all servers and deleted everyone but my friends so i can have my acc as fr me instead of an online persona

[chiistarri]

"be grateful for what you have" have you considered that i am but also want something else

[nothingunrealistic]

prompt 49

49. “Why do you insist on it?”

Dear Evan Hansen,

At the new facility. They took my phone at intake. So much for “tranquility.” I’m typing on my suitemates’ secret iPhone 6. They let me borrow it if I agreed to suck —

“Really?”

“What?” Jared pouts. It might work better if it wasn’t over FaceTime, on Evan’s secondhand iPhone, propped up against his thirdhand laptop. “I was going to say ‘suck eggs for their grandmas.’”

“No, you weren’t.”

“Whatever.”

Hey, before I go, I wanted to know: did you check with Jared Kalwani — the genius sound tech Jared Kalwani — to see if he can hang out? ‘Cause I have no doubt he’d be a great friend to me too —

“Okay, no, Jared.” Evan hits Ctrl-A and deletes the half-written email. “That doesn’t work.”

“That was a literary masterpiece. How does it not work?”

“Well, the rehab stuff is, it’s too depressing.”

“Yeah. It’s rehab.”

“The Murphys won’t want to read it. And you can’t keep trying to write yourself in. This is, like, the third time.”

“Why do you insist on it being all shiny happy codependency? Your friendship was so special and perfect that he didn’t even want to talk to anyone else?”

“Yes. That’s the story. We were best friends. I was his only friend.” Evan scratches his left arm, no longer broadcasting the best possible proof of that story. “You can’t just change it.”

“Uh-huh.” Jared’s eyes move over him, and Evan can tell he saw the scratching. “You do remember how this story ends, right?”

“What do you mean?”

“Evan,” Jared says. “Dude. Connor’s dead. And it’s not because his life was going great. Everyone knows that.”

“So?”

“So people will expect to read the tormented musings of a guy in a downward spiral. Not rainbows and butterflies and tree facts to the very end. Maybe they haven’t thought of it yet, but they’ll get there.”

“That’s awful.”

“That’s the human condition. Rubbernecking and being glad it’s not you.”

“Just because you decided to put the emails online —”

“Because Alana told me to, after you begged me to run the Connor Project website —”

“It’s not that simple, okay? Things are messy and complicated, it’s, recovery is nonlinear —”

“Oh, good, someone’s reading the Mental Health Resources page after all. And here I told our glorious co-founder it was a waste of server space.”

“I just want to help the Murphys,” Evan says. That’s all he’s wanted to do, from the moment Mrs. Murphy first mentioned the orchard. It has to be. “That’s the point of all this. I don’t care what people online think.”

“You mean the people giving you all that money to build an orchard for Connor? You’re sure you don’t care what they think? Only about cheering up your fake family and your very real girlfriend?”

“I told you, we’re not — Zoe and I are just friends.”

“Totally. You’ve got a lot of friends these days.”

“Yeah,” Evan says. “It’s pretty nice. You should try it.”

Jared vanishes from the call, and Evan is left staring at the empty Google Doc on his laptop and his own reflection in his phone screen. Alone.

Until Zoe’s texts come in.

Larry is making dinner tonight

His cooking is actually edible

That sounds great

Not that I don’t like your mom’s cooking, but you know

Yeah, I know

See you soon

(prompts to write drabbles or longer stories)

[transformersarelikemagicalgirlz]

Ugh I can’t believe I’m venting here of all places but I also need to get this out so bad

For context, i haven’t had an irl friend since I was 11. My parents didn’t want me in public school, the stay at home parent couldn’t drive, I was babied and not even trusted to leave the house to walk/bike ANYWHERE without a parent, but I finally did manage to be allowed social media in my late 16’s.

Both friend groups I’ve had online were ones I cared about deeply and they both ended with me realizing they didn’t care about me in return. One I was the oldest of and 80% of the group was 13, but I still got along with them anyways and after a whole year of being the mom friend, the therapist, the “Ill call the police if you don’t throw up all those pills you intentionally OD’d on because I’m not letting you take your own life so young” stays up all night spam calling them when they said they were gonna ktms only to find out they were bluffing and never even took all those pills or actually intended to hurt themselves, that kind of friend. Then when push came to shove, the one time I needed them, the one time I literally had to Voice message because I couldn’t see my keyboard through tears, they completely ignored and roleplayed over the top of me and left my messages on read.

The second was so much better, they were supportive and funny and super invested in the fandom I’m hyper fixated on and you can ask anyone in my family I was BEYOND happy with them. Then out of the blue, the admin messages me to tell me I’ve sent a server invite. I hadn’t, I didn’t even have people to invite in and I had been hiking in the desert for four hours straight with my family. They let me back in and then booted me out AGAIN after a literal misunderstanding with them thinking I was “Acting like they didn’t have a reason to kick me in the first place”, and said “I think it best if you just leave sorry.”

I tried to explain myself and they came back with “Uh huh, you still sent an invite which is all I need to know.” Mind you I’ve been friends with these people for MONTHS at the time this happens and they’re completely unwilling to hear me out.

Out of desperation not to be kicked from my only friend group at the time I offered to show them screenshots of all my recent DM’s to try and prove I hadn’t sent an invite, they came back with “I don’t need to see that you could’ve deleted the message 💀”. ATP they’re condescending me and acting as if the situation is funny and I’m having a meltdown sobbing in front of my mom and unbeknownst to me at the time starting to get sick from too much sun that day.

So I’m sobbing and seeing red at the same time, and I told them to shove a cactus up their ass but that I’d be explaining to everybody through DM’s why I was gone and what happened. But they got to everyone first, @‘ing everyone just showing me being aggressive and telling them to shove a cactus in their ass and they managed to turn everyone against me. One very sweet person was nice enough to share screenshots of the situation and let me know about it before I ever even reached out to anyone and at that point I was too humiliated to say anything watching everyone make fun of me.

I couldn’t hold food down for the next two days out of a mixture of emotional upset and what might have been heatstroke from that hike. As of today it’s been a week, 2 hours and thirty minutes since that happened and I still haven’t heard from any of those people after the admin blocked me on everything. I still have a DM with most of the people there, but they haven’t once reached out to me and I’m too scared to reach out to them. I just keep thinking about it all on loop.

Oh, and as a bonus fun little side note they fucking posted a slideshow of our DM’s on TikTok, tagged me in it and said “Uh you deserved to be banned as this screenshot shows you invited someone so yeah sowwy ☺️” AND DIDNT BLURR OR CENSOR MY USERNAME. That’s wrong on a LOT of levels, but holy fuck I’m so glad that video got taken down. I hope their 11 likes was worth my internet privacy. And again I legitimately have no clue where that invite was sent, i still swear on my life I didn’t do that.

So yeah, not a peep from any of them and I’m seeing a pattern here. Am I obnoxious, am I boring, do people not find me funny… literally wtf am I doing wrong that nobody cares about me as much as I cared about them? Maybe those were just texts to them but to me online interaction is my ONLY interaction, it meant a lot to me. Maybe I can’t force them to care about me but I wish I could at least force them to understand how bad it feels to realize you’re not cared for. Do I just sound like a chronically online pussy who’s being selfish? Idk, but the loneliness is fucking killing me and I’m scared to be open or even joke around with people anymore. I feel like there’s a standard I’m not aware of that I have to fit for anyone to even consider me an acquaintance.

I still feel literally sick just thinking about the year wasted with those first people and then months with the second, I can’t get all that time back and it doesn’t feel like a happy memory anymore it just puts a pit in my stomach to think of how it all ended.

Christ it’s 2:41 am now and this must sound so fucking dramatic, I need to go to bed.

[dangan-ronpa-imagines]

Not gonna bother asking for you to crop me out unlike last time, but heyo its me, former Mod Masky of the blog that was ran by you-know-who. Saw this place was active again and wanted to give a quick wave! I'm glad to see you've been doing good, Erin! I've missed the good times we had as fellow mods and friends, especially on the old Discord server. But, just like you, I think about her quite a bit, especially because I was developing a crush on her, er, who I thought she was, at the time... I even saw she still had some of my old work on the blog she ran, and it's impressive how much I've both improved but also regressed when it came to my skills. (I've not written in a long time due to life, and have only recently gotten back into it. Yes, it was SMUT writing btw. That still hasn't changed.) I too can only hope she learned her lesson and finally took some steps to improve herself, both mentally and as a person. I don't think I'll ever forgive her for what she did... I'll end off by saying somethings to address and update people who may happen to remember me. I left that blog because of what you-know-who did, but she deleted my departure note, as it also called her out. I was considering joining this blog, but declined due to the slight trauma I gained from you-know-who, and to also put my full focus into college. Also, I'm really not active here anymore, but still like to view and browse. You can find me primarily on Twitter/X now. Lastly, I'm married now to a wonderful man! ;D Have a wonderful day/night! And sorry for the long ass ask!

Actually forgot to respond to this but everyone say congratulations!!! Life seems to be good to you according to instagram lol and I’m so happy for you!! Honestly it kind of went downhill after that whole incident and I think after a while I didn’t care so much for the series!!! Don’t get me wrong I’m still a big fan but I’ve moved onto other things as people do!!!! Like my second playthrough of Baldur’s Gate 3 I don’t have much time for writing cause working saps all of my energy away and I’m planning on going back to school so who knows!!! Regardless I wish you and your husband all of the happiness in the world ❤️ thank you for the time you spent with us!!! ~ Mod Eri

[rhazimpulsivelyposts]

I use my Snapchat as “dear diary” and I use this tumblr as : impulsive music and memory sharing, and impulsive dirty thoughts that I don’t want to subject the 7 people who actually sit through my Snapchat stories too. Different audience 🤣 honestly I’m surprised people watch my snap stories because they are always hours long of me ranting about stuff with maybe a few good moments mixed in. I made this tumbler so I can word vomit all my dirty sexual thoughts and music spamming into.

I stopped adding people on Snapchat in 2021 after a coworker female tried to get me fired over something I said on there. I get that it isn’t actually gone after 24 hours and that they probably have servers where they keep everyone’s stuff and that some rando creepo can probably sift through them and watch them, I understand the risks , I just don’t care ok. I spill TEA on my Snapchat. I’ve started being better at using fake names and nicknames and different words for things now that I got my new job because I really like this job and I don’t want to jeopardize that with my poor coping mechanisms.

My ♐️ was grandfathered in to my Snapchat. But because it’s my diary like bro sorry some shit is going to be about you. I can’t not use my diary just because you have keys and that you can use to pop in on any given day and watch my hours long story times and rants. He didn’t watch my story for months , even after I moved out he barely watched it, but of course the rant/story time where I talk about wanting to spend the night with ♑️ instead is the one he watched 😑.

I feel guilty enough. I feel like I’m committing betrayal or infidelity when I’m not. I specifically left the relationship so that if I find physical pleasure in someone else it isn’t betrayal just sad. And sad it is. My ♐️ replied to that story and I couldn’t bring myself to open it. The night he asked me who “Capricorn Puppy” is I sat on my bathroom floor and cried because I had to come to terms with losing my best friend all over again even though I would of lost him months ago realistically and I should of already processed these emotions. I didn’t open the Snapchat because I didn’t want to FEEL the negative emotions that what ever he said , good or bad honestly, would cause me knowing that’s the story he decided to watch.

My ♌️ wants mushies, and I am pretty sure ♐️ is the only one that can get them. ♑️ says he might be able to but I don’t want to lean on that possible connection at all this soon into talking to him. I told her I didn’t want to open it because no matter what he said it would make me sad and guilty and it would ruin my work day and my mental state and she told me basically to stop feeling guilty because the relationship ended months ago and he wasn’t serving me the way I had asked him to for years. “Don’t give your energy to feeling negative about the situation, you are getting what you deserved and wanted now and how he feels about it isn’t your responsibility”

So I opened the Snapchat and he had deleted what ever he said. Honestly I’m glad I didn’t see it. It’s either him calling me a bitch or it’s him pleading that he tried and either of those I can’t handle right now. My estrogen is dropping because my period is this weekend and my adhd medication doesn’t work as well when my estrogen levels are lower. Not only that, I just can’t handle the negative emotions right now I just can’t. I want to escape into my weekends on my couch naked with ♑️ wrapping his body around me. It’s like a fever dream. Like a drug I want to let myself slip under in. I’ve been touch starved for so long. Druggy ♊️ and I used to do this, lay in the most uncomfortable looking positions on couches and beds just wrapped around each other, legs interlocked, sweat pooling in the divots of our bodies. 😭 this! THIS! Is what I have been craving for YEARS! THIS! Is why I kept saying “I should just date women because a woman would cuddle me like this” it’s so intoxicating. He doesn’t get “too hot” or “uncomfortable”, he looks down at me and smiles. Intoxicating. Even when this ends it will be worth how high it makes me.

I told my ♐️ why I didn’t open the snap, because I was afraid of feeling what ever it was he said, and that I was annoyed that was the story he decided to actually watch. And I asked him if had an update for ♌️ on the mushies. I really doubt he is going to get her those now. He already didn’t want to do it, now I’m sure he is sitting there like “fck both of you guys” . I don’t blame him, and I don’t blame him for hating me or being upset with me or feeling negative towards me. I’m selfish and hedonistic, and I can say I love him and he won’t believe me because of my words and actions, but the thought of him and our relationship will stick with me forever. And hopefully stop me from repeating the cycle with him or anyone else. I don’t need to be tied to anyone, because I will personally cut the cord when ever shit gets rough.

I told ♑️ from the start that I’m using him. I enjoy him a lot actually. But I needed to set the expectation that I’m not a forever partner, I’m a runner and I will run. I’ll run if he starts getting too chubbie and I told him that. I’ll run if emotions start getting to the point where we make each other upset for any reason, be it annoyance or feelings hurt over actions or things said.

I will never be a girlfriend again. Fingers crossed anyways. No one else should sign that soul contract with me. They never leave me happy, they always keep tabs on me.

[idogaystuffonline]

I know all this happened already quite a few months a go and that you have already left for good so I'm not expecting a reply. But I want to leave you with a final message after having thought about everything more thoroughly and you made it so none could contact you elsewhere so :) here we are

.I'm glad you left. I hope you you improve but I don't have high hopes and I am praying nobody I'm in contact with rn is in contact with you.You were awful to tianshii, lyu, Miyue, peony and nova. You said awful things to all of them and obsessed over them while feeding us all lies or half truths. And we should've seen this coming because the fact you were so reluctant with cutting contact with a certain person and even bothered to join her server says it all. You weren't always awful but I think it's because you knew when to hide it or maybe because you forgot to keep your mask up when surrounded with other awful people.

There were many red flags that I missed and I regret a lot of our conversations. I have good memories with you which is why I feel hurt but in a way I am grateful that doc was released so we could all know the truth. I think our mutual friends, mainly one of them, was too nice to you. I didn't join the last call y'all made but I saw what was typed and knowing how you act I have my theories but even without the call the way you acted throughout the whole thing was awful. I do not regret having been harsh with you if anything I should've been harsher. Had it not been for me you wouldn't have apologized and that shows your lack of maturity and how insincere your apologies were which is why I can't trust you'll change. Because even 3 months after you and the other 4 had stopped being friends you kept talking about them.The way your first instinct was to delete everything and run away (which ultimately you did) the way you left everyone else to deal with your actions. Everyone was too soft with you. You projected constantly onto them. Everything they did in reality was what you and a certain somebody else did.

Somebody tried to warn me and I didn't listen so I fully brought the disappointment of having been your friend onto myself but I cannot put into words how much I regret not listening to them. If I could turn back time I would've blocked you long before. You're an awful person. And you'll most likely stay that way as you refuse to change.

Idk if you'll see this but i know you're still lurking around so here you go.

Apology to the fandom

Hello everyone, I am Panda (Potaxiepower formerly known as Kimetsunozushi69) and I want to write this post in order to own my mistakes and to apologise to the ones involved in this situation.

First of all, I am aware of my humour, which has crossed the line many times. I want to seriously apologise for the disgusting jokes that I did without any consideration of people's feelings. I want to clarify that I am not racist, I have no intention of discrimination against anyone.

I will never cross the lines ever again, and I will face the consequences of my actions which harmed many people in this fandom.

I do not expect people to forgive me, because what I said was truly unforgivable, but from now on, I will mature and I will become better.

In regards of others aspects, I want to talk about the way I treated the members involved in this situation, I am sure you all know this, but I was accused of being abusive to some members of this fandom, which I will admit that my behaviour was unacceptable, and my personal struggles and my own problems do not justify the actions that I committed against the people involved.

I admit that I was a very toxic friend, and I never knew how far my actions were until I realised that my harm to them was scarring and traumatising. I admit that my behaviour towards them is irredeemable and that not an apology can fix the consequences of my actions.

None of them truly hurt me, I was the one who was in a bad mental state and because of that I started to wrongly accuse them of things that they were not, and also badmouthing them and manipulating the situation to favour me, which after months of reflection, I realised that that was truly despicable behaviour.

I admit that I did all of this based on my own envy over them being better artists, academically brighter and better writers than me, which made me have an inferiority complex against them and because of that I was acting toxic towards them. 

Even when they supported me in my hard times, I was ungrateful and despite them showing emotional and financial support, I was not willing to recognise their efforts to be my friends, because of my ego.

I understand why this situation is happening, because I cannot escape from my actions, I do not expect the fandom to ever forgive, and I understand that, I will face the consequences of what has happened this summer time.

I am sorry for ghosting the victims of the situation after doing enough harm and not apologising genuinely because I was a coward who did not want to accept my mistakes, and I understand why the situation escalated to worse after months.

I also understand why everyone in this fandom is currently furious over this, because I escaped and deleted everything without any explanation, this time, I will face the fandom and listen to your complains, I also will leave the fandom after this in order to start a new phase of my life where in the future I will not commit the same mistakes again.

I also want to clarify that none of my old followers or friends stalked any of the members, I was not aware of them facing harassment online, I am not lying when I say that I had everyone blocked which made me not interact with their posts or be interested in what they were posting, because I didn't want to see what they were doing (because I was ghosting) and I admit that I was talking bad about them behind their backs despite me promising to them that I would not talk about them, but I did not send hate because all the frustration that I had was thrown towards my close friends who were not interested in creating conflicts.

I recently found out that they were receiving some hate regarding the call-out, I did not send anyone. I promise everyone that I was inactive online and was scared of looking at what was happening, and I was with family members and real life friends these past two days.

MeitoMela and Meerudraws are innocent, they never had any vile intentions nor any interest in engaging in discourse, and them being friends and mutuals with me does not mean that they are on my side, nor do they agree with my actions nor are they interested in engaging in this.

Thank you very much for reading this letter, and I hope that the victims of this will find peace and help, and I wish everyone the best and happy holidays.

@irithnova

@tianshiisdead

@miyuecakes

[findingjoynweirdstuff]

Dream SMP Recap (June 1/2021) - All Roads Lead to Rome

Ponk tears down one of the towers of L’Llamaburg for overshadowing his supreme fridge.

Tubbo creates a new outpost just outside Las Nevadas to overlook the country.

Techno has a birthday party with the Syndicate and Quackity comes over to bring a message. 

Quackity speaks with Foolish in Las Nevadas about his future plans for the country and roads.

Niki finds out about Wilbur’s revival. 

Bad asks for Techno’s help with destroying his enemies, as he’s upset about L’Llamaburg violating the buffer zone agreement. Puffy confronts Bad about the brewing war.

---

VOD LINKS:

Ponk

Foolish

Tubbo

Technoblade

Nihachu

BadBoyHalo

Captain Puffy

---

- Ponk tears down one of the towers of L’Llamaburg

- Ponk sends Foolish through the labyrinth he built

- Afterwards, they visit the turtle sanctuary

- Ponk shows Foolish that he tore down the tower for overshadowing his supreme fridge. Foolish points out that he and Puffy don’t have the best history. Ponk is still bitter over Puffy destroying Sacrifice’s shrine

- Tubbo creates an outpost on a mountain just outside of Las Nevadas to keep an eye on the country

- Quackity comes over and asks what Tubbo is doing. He says he’ll speak with Tubbo later

- If anyone asks, Tubbo will say it’s just a cookie outpost from Snowchester

- Foolish comes over as well and tells Tubbo that he sent Punz on the mission to find the nuke

- Tubbo asks why Foolish has left Snowchester. Foolish says he’s trying something new -- he’s joining Las Nevadas, actually

- Foolish takes Tubbo on a tour through Las Nevadas. He asks if Tubbo would want to join Las Nevadas, but Tubbo declines

- Techno starts off in his house. He walks outside to find Niki, Phil and Ranboo launching fireworks for his birthday! They also set up a table outside the house with some cake

- After they eat some cake, Techno asks what he’s missed. He’s gone off into the wild to train, while Phil thought he was hibernating. Techno asks if they found out Tommy actually died. Phil tells him he did, but Dream brought him back

- Speaking of things brought back...Wilbur is back too. Niki and Techno are both shocked. Phil tells them that he’s actually living in Phil’s house currently. He tells Niki Wilbur’s changed for the better

- Techno brings Steve out

- He notices the new forest, which the others say sprouted up. It just appeared

- The subject returns to the revival book. Niki says, if Wilbur and Tommy have been brought back, there’s one person left that can be brought back that they don’t want back: Schlatt

- Niki asks if there are any new governments. Phil says no, Snowchester is still there but nothing much has happened that they need to step in on

- They solved the government issue with brute force. Techno says it was “mild property damage,” but Phil disagrees, saying it was mass destruction. They agree to just blame everything on Dream

- While he was away, Techno studied the blade. He suggests a training session for Niki and Ranboo

- Techno has something to do. He leaves, noticing Quackity standing on a hill nearby

- Quackity says hello. Techno tells him it’s his birthday (he’s not sure how old he is, though) and Quackity thanks him for helping with the Egg. He asks if Techno has visited Dream (Techno hasn’t)

- Techno went to the Dream SMP equivalent of Italy on vacation

- Quackity tells Techno he’s been visiting Dream, and that while in prison Dream seems to be a completely different person. Techno asks if Dream’s been treated well, and Quackity says he’s fine 

- Just a few days ago, Dream told Quackity that he wanted Techno to visit, that he finally wanted to call in a “favor”

- Techno explains that the “favor” is that he has to get Dream his favorite meal at some point, since they were at a restaurant once and Techno forgot his wallet

Quackity: “He’s changed a lot. If you walk in there, he doesn’t seem like the person he’s always been, which is weird, how a person can change just like that.”

Techno: “It’s strange what five months of near total isolation can do to a person...as we know, it’s always a positive effect.”

- Sometime during this weekend, Techno will visit. Techno asks if Quackity has any written message from Dream, and Quackity says he can probably get one. He only has notes right now

- Techno asks if Quackity is telling the truth. He would hate to be lied to on his birthday...Quackity says he’s not lying, and as he said, he’s glad they set aside their differences

Quackity: “At the end of the day, scars fade away, Techno...”

- Quackity says goodbye and leaves. Techno wonders if he can trust him

- He returns to the others and they celebrate some more

- Phil takes them all down to show off the training arena he made in the basement

- They go back up and talk some more

- Meanwhile, Quackity meets Foolish at Las Nevadas. He asks about Tubbo’s outpost, and Foolish says it’s a cookie outpost. Quackity tells Foolish not to trust it, realizing he actually hasn’t talked to Tubbo recently

- Quackity is bothered by how clear the view of Las Nevadas is from the outpost and questions why Foolish didn’t stop Tubbo from building it

- He asks the last thing Foolish did in Las Nevadas as they walk over there, and then whether or not he’s already discussed the possibility of a “contract” of formal citizenship

- Quackity wants to get to know Foolish better. He makes sure that he can trust Foolish, confide in him certain information

- Foolish remarks that Quackity seems like the kind of guy who would make a lot of enemies, and gives him a set of Netherite armor

- Speaking of making enemies, Quackity takes Foolish over to the lake to look out at Wilbur and Tommy’s headquarters. Someone paid them a visit

Quackity: “Have you ever met...Wilbur?”

- Foolish hasn’t. Tommy told him a bit. Quackity points out an empty spot in Las Nevadas where he wants something done. He tells Foolish he just paid a visit to an old friend and he went unprotected, so the Netherite is a good idea

- Only two people have just given Quackity armor, and one of them is Quackity’s “right hand man” at the moment: Sam. Foolish mentions Sam screwed him over with L’Sandburg

- Quackity points out Eret’s cobblestone ocean pyramid. This country needs more citizens, more things built

- He shows Foolish the gambling machine and gives him diamonds to try out. Foolish wins Linda! 

- Their objective with Las Nevadas is to build the biggest, most powerful country, and Quackity’s read his fair share of Sun Tzu. He’s actually helped run a country before, which Foolish is surprised to learn (countries are before Foolish’s time)

- Quackity says he’ll talk to Foolish soon and leaves for a couple minutes before returning. He asks for PVP lessons, but Foolish hasn’t done much fighting for a while

Quackity: “I do all my fighting through dialogue, if you haven’t noticed...That’s my biggest weapon, Foolish, it’s the way I say things, everything, all that. But I think, you know, given what could come of all this...”

Foolish: “I was gonna say, I don’t know if that will work forever...unless you’re very, very good with your words, eventually you’ll say the wrong words.”

- Quackity suggests they make their own lookout outpost 

- Quackity has some plans to show Foolish, a project he thought of when he was thinking about making Las Nevadas. His first plan was to build a highway system

Quackity: “They say all roads lead to Rome...in this case, all roads lead to Las Nevadas.”

- He shows Foolish some sign ideas and Foolish says it would be no problem to build up some roads

- Quackity shows Foolish an old idea for a path with rail lines on both sides, layouts for advertisements

- The first place Quackity thinks the road should go is the Spawn area, for when someone joins or dies. Quackity is annoyed that Tubbo blocked the route, but they can go around it

- They plan out the path of the road. Foolish asks if Quackity wants the road to go to Kinoko Kingdom. Quackity goes silent before saying he wants to focus on the main attractions right now

- Quackity leaves again to go check some things

Foolish: “When you choose a side, there’s always other sides...which means I can’t be buddy-buddy with everyone forever.”

- Foolish does the boat slime jump. Quackity comes back with food and continues to discuss plans. Besides connecting everyone, they also need to make cash off of this highway, so he wants to make sure there’s plenty of advertisement

- L’manburg is destroyed, but it also has a lot of history. Quackity’s noticed no one’s really claimed that area. Wilbur and Tommy are neighboring them now. Foolish asks if they’re enemies...Quackity says he’ll explain that in a bit

Quackity: “We can make L’manburg a main tourist area.”

- Foolish knows a few people might be against that. Anyone from L’manburg, maybe. Quackity reminds him he was in the cabinet, and proceeds to tell him the story of Wilbur:

---

When Quackity joined the server, L’manburg was the biggest nation. Quackity asked to join, and he was declined because he wasn’t British -- the one requirement. He didn’t like this, he felt left out, he wanted to be a part of something.The election rolled around, it was SWAG vs. POG.

(They walk over to the ruins of L’manburg)

Wilbur was going to run a “democratic” election with only one option available to vote for, which Quackity didn’t think was very democratic.

(Quackity gets interrupted by George calling him)

Each party had a Vice President. Foolish assumes that Wilbur’s was Tommy...and Quackity’s was George. Quackity points out King’s Court to Foolish in the sky, the place they had their debate. After their debate, Quackity and Wilbur had a talk, a conversation that stuck with him for a very long time.

Then it was Election Day. What happened was, each party had sponsors. Who endorsed Tommy and Wilbur?

Vikkstar.

Tommy accidentally posted the Vikkstar endorsement video in the Discord before deleting it seven seconds later, but that was still enough time for George to get the link and send it to Quackity, and Quackity needed the one person who could match that endorsement: KSI.

Unfortunately, KSI never replied, as it was quite last-minute. 

That’s when the turning point happened, and Quackity calls it the worst day of his life. George slept through the event. Quackity had no endorsements, no Vice President. The other party was going strong -- but they made a mistake. Their second endorsement was Schlatt. However, Schlatt arrived drunk, and instead of endorsing Wilbur and Tommy, he made his own party on the spot. SCHLATT2020. Not only this, but Niki and Fundy also made their own party too: COCONUT2020. 

The votes go out. POG2020 wins. But, Quackity had an idea, to pool votes with Schlatt. They ended up with 1% more votes than POG, and that’s how Quackity ended up as Vice President of the country. However, this was a big mistake. The policies Schlatt enacted were to exile Tommy and Wilbur, took down the walls, changed up things -- and to be fair, Quackity did join him on this. He was down with taking down the walls. Everything started going downhill. Schlatt would constantly undermine Quackity’s Vice Presidency, his policy ideas, and he did the worst thing to Quackity -- took down the White House that Quackity, Wilbur and Tommy built together. 

Schlatt didn’t care. He started teaming up with bad folks like Dream, other people, and the rest is history. Imagine everything that had to happen to lead to this...

(he gestures to L’manhole)

Foolish: “Do you regret it all?”

Quackity: “...No.”

Foolish: “So, you would’ve let it all go the exact same way, down to Wilbur blowing it all up?”

Quackity: “I wouldn’t have changed a damn thing, Foolish...And let me tell you why...All these mistakes, all these things, have made me the person I am now, Foolish. All these experiences, all these bad moments in my life, have made me the man I am today.”

“And you never...you never mess with history. Because everything happens for a reason, Foolish. Everything happens for a reason. You don’t ever pander with history, you don’t ever try to turn it around or change it, because the way things happen are the way things happen at the end of the day. And that’s how we build character. I wouldn’t have Las Nevadas if not for all these...for all these...mistakes, maybe.”

After that, something happened with Wilbur. Quackity didn’t know much about it, but he changed. He was so obsessed with his country that if he couldn’t have it, no one could. He blew up the entire thing, and in that process he ended up dying, and that’s when Ghostbur came to be.

So many more things happened (Foolish finds out that this crater isn’t just from Wilbur), but...it is what it is.

“And if you dwell in the past, you’ll live in suffering your entire life. So take it from me, Foolish. Take in all the experiences you’ve ever had, and apply them to something greater than what you used to be. Take one last gander at...the country that never was.”

---

- Quackity shows Foolish his old house under Karl’s. He’s not seen Karl in a while. He sees that it’s been blown up, and there’s an old message to him from Sam. He’s not sure what happened.

- Quackity shows Foolish the message. Just as he’d said, Sam had given him Netherite armor once. Sam has a good heart. It’s in the right place, he just needs some guidance.

- He leads Foolish down the Prime Path, showing him the other buildings. He takes Foolish over to the museum. 

- They look at the maps and discuss routes again. Foolish asks about a road to the prison, and Quackity says improving his “commutes” would be nice 

- Quackity is glad Foolish is taking the chance on Las Nevadas. Quackity has to leave to address some business, but he’ll get on to help Foolish build the roads later. 

- Foolish goes back to Las Nevadas, looking out over at Wilbur and Tommy’s headquarters.

Foolish: “It’s kinda been a while since I’ve really had enemies enemies...but I have the feeling that is gonna change soon enough...Maybe not even enemies, but certainly not friends. Kind of a shame, though, I’ve yet to really meet Wilbur...”

- He gets out his shulker box from an Ender Chest and looks inside. There is a stack of TNT.

“It’s been a while...”

- Niki is at the Arctic. Wilbur is back. She thought she got rid of him and doesn’t know why he’s back now, in the only place she feels safe

Niki: “Who are you going to manipulate next, huh? Because it’s not gonna be me this time! It’s not gonna be me this time.”

- Tommy? Tubbo? Jack? Jack wouldn’t fall for it. Niki is upset that Wilbur didn’t check up on her. Why would he change? He never changes or cares

- Why would Dream revive him? Dream was his enemy, but at the end he was pretty fond of him

- Niki heads back through the Nether to her secret city. Now the world revolves around Wilbur again

- She still hasn’t finished her city and hasn’t been able to sleep. She goes to a chest to find the diamonds Wilbur once gave her

- Niki saw the TNT when she broke the wall, but she didn’t tell anyone, covered it back up. But Wilbur still blew it up anyway

- Niki puts the diamonds in a chest buried deep in the wall and covers it back up

- She goes back to the main area, to L’manburg. When she was in Manberg, Wilbur promised that he would get her out of there, and she waited weeks. And then Wilbur wasn’t the same person anymore

- Niki thought maybe while Wilbur was still alive, he could still be rescued, could still be happy

Niki: “But you will never be happy, because all you want is what you can’t have. And when you have everything...what will you fight for?”

- Niki wants to see him, ask why he never came back to her. She walks back to the Nether portal and the stream ends

- Bad shows up to L’Sandburg and notices L’Llamaburg next door. He’s upset about the new castle and wonders why Foolish would allow this, as it violates the agreement

- He reads the purpose of L’Llamaburg and is enraged. There’s only one option, and that’s war. He sets fire to the walls of L’Llamaburg, builds an extension on top of his tower to make it taller than Puffy’s build, and builds a giant sign saying “LIAR” 

- After visiting the main area to get some resources, he meets Antfrost on the Prime Path, who has a new skin for pride month! 

- Bad goes to the Arctic to bake a cake for Technoblade’s birthday. After finishing it, he leaves a letter requesting Techno’s assistance:

---

Dear Technoblade,

Greetings on this fine evening. I hope this letter finds you well and I hope your polar bears are doing excellent. It is with my sincerest apoligies that I disturb your peace but I must inquire about possibly obtaining your services. 

Important matters aside I have built a delicious giant cake for you in honor of your birthday. I hope this cake finds you well and may you have many excellent birthdays to follow. If you would be interested in possibly destroying my enemies for me and salting the earth they call home so that they never find happiness again that would be most kind. If you would like to discuss this matter further you know where to find me.

Kindest Regards BBH

---

- Later, Captain Puffy hears of this brewing war and comes online. She confronts Bad about the missing tower from her castle. Bad insists it wasn’t him, it was Ponk

- Puffy reminds Bad of Puffy and Ponk’s conflict from a while ago in which they destroyed each others builds, and says it’s only fair that, if Ponk really did destroy the tower, then she should destroy Ponk’s fridge

- Bad tries to reason with Puffy to not retaliate, while Puffy thinks tearing down the fridge would be doing the place a favor

- Bad brings up the buffer zone violation and they start arguing with each other over Foolish’s land, the turtles, Puffy blames Bad for killing her son, one thing leads to another and soon enough Puffy tells Bad that his L’Sandburg llama citizens are all into BDSM

- They go to the turtle enclosure and see Ponk’s ransom note. Bad says Ponk has to die. Puffy points out they could start with the fridge, and Bad says they should take his other arm. Ponk stole Shelly, they have to kill him

- Puffy gets angry at Bad not wanting to take down the fridge and brings up the death of her son again, how she thought Bad was going to turn over a new leaf at the Banquet and then that leaf ended up covered in blood instead

Puffy: “I should have taken your goddamn arm, Bad!”

- After talking more, the two finally work together to take down the supreme fridge

- Once finished, the two write a return note to Ponk. Bad wants to discuss things with Ponk, and there’s a place in Las Nevadas that he thinks would be good to meet

The note reads:

---

Dear Ponk,

It has come to our attention that you’ve been responsible for some heinous crimes!

Not only did you completely demolish Puffy’s original mushroom house which she let slide. You now have destroyed a tower of her sand castle. BUT IT DOESN’T STOP THERE!

WHERE IS SHELLY PONK!? You’ve not only commited crimes against Puffy but Bad as well! You’ve kidnapped Bad & Sheldon’s dearest Shelly for ransom!

So me and Bad decided to return the favor and give you a taste of your own disgusting medicine!

YOU’RE FRIDGE NO LONGER SUPREME! YOU’VE MESSED WITH THE WRONG MUFFINS AND TAKEN OUR KINDNESS FOR WEAKNESS TOO MANY TIMES!

We all need to talk immediately before this escalates more then it already has.

Leave a book back giving us a time and a place and we will try to attend.

You’ve been warned!

With love, BBH & PuffDaddy

---

- Bad still wants Puffy to move L’Llamaburg, but Puffy wants to stay and protect her son. Bad suggests an alliance: what if L’Sandburg and L’Llamaburg simply combine their territories? It would be beneficial for both nations

- Puffy is skeptical about Bad’s idea and decides that relocating is probably the smartest idea, as Ponk will probably retaliate against her

---

Upcoming Events:

- The final Egg lore stream

- Technoblade’s visit (this weekend)

- Puffy’s lore

- Tales From the SMP: “Space Race”

- Ponk’s lore stream

- Dream’s lore video

- Sapnap’s possible lore stream

- Awesamdude lore stream

[queerdesire]

September 30, 2022

It's been a minute since my last update.

What have I accomplished this week? Well I drove for the first time in the dark last night and honestly I think I smiled all the way home. I'm getting so much more comfortable driving and it's starting to feel so fucking good. I'm hoping to have my license by the end of the year. Driving is not as scary and anxious as I always imagined. I'm proud of myself for this.

Let's see what else am I proud of? Oh! I have paid all my bills but two, both are due on the 6th so not late but I'll probably do it right now as all the other payments should of went through. I'ma be a broke ass bitch but it feels so fucking good to be able to pay everyone time.

I also deleted some girls number! She's been semi dicking me around for a month, and I let her >.< She was the one who hit me up and was interested and wanted to go on a date. I was going with the flow of it. Started out texting strong and things like that but then it became 8 separate times of excuses. Like we were not anything where a conversation of her no longer interested would of been perfectly okay. I even said as much during excuse number 6 lmao. But deleting her phone number and not replying back to her bs felt good. And then my toxic side may have left her on Snapchat 🙈🤡, I don't look at her snaps but she has replied to three of my hot story ones since I've deleted her number and ignore last excuse text and it feels kinda good to be like yeah I'm hot and you missed out. Even if it's in my head and even if that may be a bit toxic lol regardless I'm glad I was able to be like I'm done, and it was okay that it took me a month 😭 because I still was able to stop the pattern instead of continue the pattern of letting ppl use me like that.

I've had two therapy sessions now, the first session I felt hella guilty leaving and the second one I felt like I was on a good high. I was given therapy homework though and I haven't accomplished it :( and I don't think I will before Tuesday. I'm supposed to go out with someone and do something out of my comfort zone. The issue with this assignment is I'm scared to ask ppl to hang out that I wouldn't normally cuz that fear of the rejection and I guess that's the whole point. I did ask a girl one hinge if she wanted to hangout in person and I didn't get a reply so I'ma go with that as my assignment completed lmfao. Oooh and in therapy my therapist at one point said "I'm seeing a pattern here do you?" And I didn't so hopefully I will see the pattern she spoke of with the more sessions I have as she didn't tell me lmao.

Hmm what else? Oh completely over my ex! Well for the most part. Obviously I'll always wish it would be different but I've come with terms that she will never want to be friends and I haven't looked at her socials so much so that I missed her bday lol so that felt like a win. Only looked at her socials the last few days. But to be honest I think I'm using Tumblr as a distraction 😅 I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing tho.

Let's see what else...oh the new job is going very well! Last night it felt so easy, I think I asked someone one question and I remembered to bring silly things like the pizza stand, app plates, pepper mill, instead of forgetting until last minute. Oh and a coworker has now started to play with my hair and honestly makes me feel a bit loved, as touch is my love language. She's super sweet. Also last night one of the "favorites" told me I was, "the better new servers" and that I am a "hard worker" my cocky ass knew this, my cocky ass knew i would be but I can't say that :P I'm playing a political game here. But I said thank you lol oh and I was sitting next to some girls and they included me in conversation and one was like yeah when deena first met me she told me she thought I was gonna be a bitch 😅😂. So then everyone wanted to know what I thought about them. One of the girls was like did you think I was gonna be mean? And I told her yes I said "we didn't speak until Sunday!! So yes I thought you were going to be mean but you're very nice." Turns out she told me she's shy and I 100% can see that. I did not tell any of them that I think all pretty girls are going to be mean because they are hot lmao

I don't think anything else happened this week that is note worthy. I havent cried or felt hopeless in awhile and that is a wonderful feeling. I honestly think that has to do with therapy tho.

My period is very late and I'm pregnant jk jk jk 😂 but it is late af. That bitch needs to get here.

OOOH I REMEMBERED SOMETHING. One of my best guy friends works at my new job, he is why I went there. And a different coworker came up to me and was like "do you know Sean talks about you alot?" "I think he likes you" etc etc. And I was dying absolutely trying not to laugh because Sean is such a homie, I would say brother but we playfully flirt sometimes to hype the other up so what ever that makes him. But I had to explain to the coworker that Sean is a close friend, my homie is how I think I worded it. The dude was so small minded though and wouldn't stop and I was like I'm extremely gay and Sean knows this so there isn't anything between us. (I think it's because Sean and I hug at work) because the kid still didn't let it go. I went over to Sean immediately after and him and I got a huge laugh. Sean also said he had never even spoke to the dude before lmfao so I'm real confused but find it amusing nonetheless.

[theres-an-impulstor-among-us]

Hello! Your answer to that last request absolutely ruined me (in the best way possible)

If you'd like to leave it completely ambiguous that's fine, but I was wondering about an Impulse POV of what goes through his mind when he wakes up and sees Tango? Depending on whether the game ends immediately after that, whether him and Brody have to do something extra to end the game, or if you want to go full bad ending and have the game carry on in that broken state forever.... It could be very different each way, but I'd certainly love to read that aftermath if you would enjoy writing it (because obviously I'm not in enough pain already :D /s)

this is a sequel to this one :D very glad that two of my favourite requesters liked it enough to ask for a follow up!

I also love my Patented Vaunna Uncertain Endings (as Shade put it lol) bc it leads to at least one person yelling at me and at least one follow-up request demanding to know what happens (/pos ofc i love all you guys’ requests)

also yes i’m so sorry Raven i only just realised i wasnt following you asdfghjkl i thought i already was

…

Impulse opens his eyes. Letting out a groan, he sluggishly pushes himself into a sitting position. His head feels like it’s being clamped in a vice, but he has enough wits to register the scene in front of him.

Tango is lying in a pool of blood just a foot away from him, arm outstretched towards him as if trying to reach him.

He can’t stop staring at his best friend’s body. Tango is clearly dead, and Impulse remembers causing it. So why hasn’t the game ended? It should have ended when Brody killed Endless, but it didn’t. Now the only two people left on the ship are the two imposters. There’s literally nothing else that can be done to end the game, except…

Impulse glances down at Tango’s tablet, then at the upload panel. At this point, he’ll do anything to end this game, even if it means losing.

So he picks up Tango’s tablet, ignoring the almost painful tingle shooting through his hand. The game’s code is uncomfortable with him picking up a crewmate’s tablet. And even though he can’t see the screen, he knows what the last task is. So he hopes that the game will let him complete it. There shouldn’t be any protocols in place to stop this; after all, when would an imposter EVER want to do a crewmate’s task?

“What are you-?” comes Brody’s voice suddenly.

Impulse turns to find Brody freezing at the sight of Tango’s body.

“We’re the only two left,” Impulse confirms. “We gotta finish the last task, even if it means we lose. Otherwise we might be trapped here forever.”

Brody slowly nods. He and Impulse are in an odd state; the imposter bloodlust is slowly starting to wear off, leaving him with an uncomfortable mixture of satisfaction and horror at the sight of his old friend’s dead body.

“I think I might throw up,” he groans, turning away and doubling over, hands pressed to his stomach.

Impulse just keeps going with the task, his heart starting to beat faster. He hopes this will work. If it doesn’t…

...he can’t think about that.

As the upload finishes, he squeezes his eyes shut and holds his breath.

He feels something shift around him…

…and when he opens his eyes, he finds himself back in the lobby.

But only one other person is there with him.

Impulse and Brody slowly look around the room, registering their situation, before simultaneously meeting each other’s gaze.

“This is really bad,” says Brody after a moment, stating aloud what they’re both thinking.

Impulse nods, trying and failing to suppress the feeling of cold terror rapidly growing in his stomach. “Y-Yeah. Where are our friends and why aren’t they here?”

Recalling Etho teaching him how to access the code, Brody pulls up the admin screen. Impulse anxiously watches him tap away at it.

“Is it possible to go back to that exact game?” he asks hesitantly.

“I think so. Gimme a sec.”

After a tense few minutes, an open doorway appears in the side of the lobby. Through it, Impulse can see the Skeld cafeteria.

“I’ve altered your code slightly so you should be able to see and hear ghosts,” Brody says. “Go see if you can find out where our friends are. I’ll stay here and make sure you don’t get trapped there.”

Impulse takes a deep breath. “Okay.”

“Good luck, my friend.”

“I’m gonna need it.”

Impulse carefully steps through the door, half expecting it to vanish behind him. But to his relief, it doesn’t.

Where the heck is he supposed to start?

After a moment, Impulse goes into admin. But the admin table tells him nothing except his own location. Next, he rushes over to security. Again, however, the cameras yield nothing useful.

Time for Plan C.

“SKIIIIIIIIIZZ!” Impulse shrieks, running madly through the hallways. “TANGOOOO! ETHOOOOOOOOOO!”

For a worrying minute or so, there’s no replies at all.

Then…

“Impulse!”

He skids to a halt in the hallway between weapons and shields, his head automatically snapping round to face the direction he heard the voice yell his name from.

That’s when he sees two ghosts flying towards him from navigation. “Tango! Etho!”

“Impulse, you can see us?!” yelps Tango. “And hear us?!”

Impulse nods. “Yeah! Oh my gosh, a-are you two okay? I’m so sorry!”

“This isn’t your fault, Impulse,” Etho says firmly. “You were just playing the game. And don’t worry, I’ve managed to save everyone else.”

“What?” Impulse’s heart skips a beat. “How?”

“I was able to access their code and send them back to their respective servers. Skizzle, Joker, Astro, Mrs Tango, Endless, and Evil are all safe.”

“Oh, thank God,” breathes Impulse. “What about you two?”

“I couldn’t manage to access Hermitcraft’s code,” Etho responds. “So I couldn’t send us back there. I think it’s something to do with the firewalls X put up a few years ago.”

“Damnit. What’s going on, Etho? Why’re there so many glitches?”

“I don’t know. But if we get out of this alive, we should definitely give this game a break for a while until it’s fixed.”

“I’ll second that,” Tango mutters. “But wait, how did you get here?”

“Brody managed to open a door here from the lobby. Oh, wait! Maybe you can come through it with me!”

He takes the ghosts to the cafeteria, where the doorway to the lobby is still shimmering.

“Brody, I found Tango and Etho,” Impulse reports to his friend. “Everyone else is safe. Can they come through the doorway?”

Brody hesitates. “They should be able to. Come through first, quickly.”

Impulse goes through the door again and turns back to face his friends.

“Will it be safe for us to come through in ghost form?” Tango asks nervously.

“Ah…” Brody grimaces. “It should be fine.”

Tango is not encouraged by his friend’s tone. “Are you sure?”

“I’m not,” admits Brody. “The likelihood that the game will either glitch or not let you through and delete you forever is worryingly high, but… I think this is the only way. If we don’t give it a go, you’ll be stuck in this weird purgatory forever.”

Tango shoots a glance at Etho, who’s gazing at the doorway anxiously, and makes a quick decision. “I’ll try it first. Then you’ll know if it’s safe for Etho or not.”

“What?” Etho glances sharply at him. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah. 100%. I’m terrified outta my mind right now, but there’s no way I’m watching you go through that thing and disappear forever. No way in hell.”

Not daring to meet Etho’s eyes, Tango turns to the doorway and takes a deep breath.

“Tango, wait.”

Tango pauses and turns back to his friend. “Yeah?”

After a moment, Etho grabs him in a hug. “If we never see each other again, I want you to know that I’ve cherished every second with you and I’m honoured to call you my friend.”

Tango blinks, a lump rising in his throat. “D-Don’t. You’re gonna make me cry.” But he hugs his friend back. “I love you, buddy.”

Finally, he releases Etho and turns to look at Impulse through the doorway. Their gazes meet and Tango sees his own fear reflected in Impulse’s eyes.

“See you on the other side,” he says, his voice cracking audibly. “One way or another.”

With that, he steps through the doorway.

[aita-anon-info]

oh actually a bit of an update(?) bc i remembered that friends and i were talking about all of this as it happened in a different server, so i went back and looked at our convos to jog my memory:

the argument happened march 4th/5th. so, 3-4 days after my grandmother passed away on the 1st.

friends and i were confused about why P's group was so adamantly against blacklisting height discussions, and all of us agreed comparing it to fatphobia was out of line - height dysphoria sucks, but fatphobia is a systemic issue.

also, we felt like the entire argument was just a misunderstanding. P & co. seemed to think that L was saying they didn't like short characters, which they never said. our side viewed it as just discussing height, while P's side saw it as putting people down for being short, which was never our intention and we apologized for it coming across that way.

friends and i all left the server of our own accord a few days after that because no one was talking there anymore.

about a month after that, i rejoined the server. D and i talked at that time and he said he was glad to see me back and had missed me. we went back to being friends like we'd been before

a few weeks after THAT, i got kicked from the server with no warning and woke up to a panicked dm from a friend saying D was deleting the server in 24 hours. i of course panicked, because i had many friends in the server i hadn't gotten a chance to speak to before i was kicked. i was reinvited to the server (not by D), friend requested everyone, and then was promptly banned by D as soon as i was done

then messaged D asking wtf was going on. this (now over a month and a half after the argument!) is when he said i was transphobic, and there were "other complaints from server members" about me. asked for clarification or context, received none. told him i was upset but wasn't going to block him so that if things changed he could still contact me.

reconvened with friends from server. those who were close to D before all of this confirmed that he was acting really weird/out of character and we agreed that he seemed to be trying to push people away for reasons we weren't sure of.

my actual memories of march and april are really hazy for probably obvious reasons, so i figured i'd go look for the actual convos i was having when this happened, with timestamps and stuff. this should be a more accurate timeline for what happened.

AITA for abandoning my friend?

Around the beginning of this year, I joined a Discord server that was run by one person, D. D's partner(?), P, was also in the server. It very quickly became apparent to me that P did not like me, despite my attempts to be friendly, and at one point P even left the server for reasons I suspect had something to do with me. Despite this, D and I quickly became friends, and I genuinely enjoyed talking to him and spending time with him. I assumed it was fine even if P didn't like me, because I wasn't interested in D romantically and wasn't trying to cause problems for them; I just liked hanging out with D as a friend.

Things were fine for a few months, but there ended up being a minor argument in the server that spiraled a bit out of control, with most people in the server ending up split between supporting me and my friends, or P and his friends. I advised D to close the channel to stop the argument, and apologized to him in private once it was over, asked if there was anything I could do to help, etc. I still don't think I was in the wrong in this argument, but it was really over such a minor thing that I was trying to just deescalate and move on.

For about a week or so, everything was fine, but then D suddenly kicked me from the server without warning, and when I messaged him to ask what happened, he told me that what I'd said during the argument (now a week prior) was transphobic and he didn't want to be friends with a transphobe. I asked for an explanation of what I'd said that was transphobic, but he didn't answer, and kept insisting we couldn't be friends. So, I told him that I'd back off and leave him alone for now, but that I'd still be here if he changed his mind some day.

I already suspected by that point that P had something to do with him suddenly changing his mind, and a mutual friend, K, later confirmed that they also suspected P was being toxic and controlling based on their conversations with D. D had already cut me off by this point, so there wasn't much I could do; I just told K the same thing, that I still cared about D and wanted the best for him, but I wasn't going to reach out.

Fast forward a few months. After a death in the family and a subsequent struggle with grief and depression, I wasn't doing so great anymore. It was at this point that D reappeared, messaging my Tumblr to tell me, essentially, that he was still alive but not doing well, that he was sorry for how he'd treated me before, and that we still couldn't be friends, because P didn't like me. I'd told him before that I would still be his friend if he wanted me to, but now he wanted me to listen to him talk about what had gone wrong in his life when he was just going to vanish again after. I told him that I would happily listen and support him as a friend, but that if we're not friends and he's not going to stick around, then I don't have the energy to help him and also take care of myself. So, he left again, and I haven't heard from him since.

I've been worried about him since we last talked; I know that he's depressed, and I know what it's like to deal with an abusive partner, as I've had a few of them in the past. I want to be able to help him, but I don't know if he'll let me, and I know that if we have a major falling out again like we did before, it'll be a lot harder for me to recover now. AITA for putting myself first?

What are these acronyms?

[snakgoblin]

Fan appreciation post!

Server people!

@ashs-studio Hiiiiiii you're cool and definitely one of my favorite people everrrr thank you for everything you do for wittle ole meeeee

@royal-simp YOU. YOU'RE DOING AMAZING AND DONT LET ANYONE TELL YOU OTHERWISE. IF THEY DO, SEND THEM TO ME IMMA FIGHT THEM. Also how are we so similar?? Its creepy but I'm having fun. Also, that one rock I found at Buc-ee's, it's yours now.

@stardustfandoms9 Omg you're HILARIOUS!! I legit CACKLE at almost everything you say!! It's eventually gonna get to the point where if I just SEE you're online, I'm gonna laugh. Also as I wrote this, I kept thinking of that monkey video and it made me laugh everytime

@personwithalotoffandoms You, fr, no cap, make me SCREECH. ESPECIALLY in the vc cause you're so damn funny. Oml my sides still hurt from that reading of that one fic. Legit you are hilarious. Never forget that!

@its-my-destiny you're so sweet!!! And super funny too!! Also apparently you're my grandkid in IAQ's server?? I had no idea. Smh that familytree is so hard to keep up with. Also I love your random chaotic-ness, its simply beautiful. Oh and I hope you get some DQ soon!

@buttcats Can I just say, I love your tumblr name. But you're super nice and cool! I appreciate you for distracting me when I had that nightmare too. Really, ty for that. Also, everytime I see you log on I legit, irl, say "Eyyyy!!"

@pokepony Hi please don't steal my kneecaps for staying up until 5:50am to write this. I'm sure I'll wake up at 3pm tho and still get a decent amount of sleep! I'll let you know in the morning what happens. Regardless, you're hilarious and super fun to play with on gamenights!! I look forward to playing more soon!! Also, you're really nice and sweet and would love to become great friends with you!!

@incorrectanimaniacsquotes 1) I love your blog and 2) You did an OUTSTANDING job on the very well done and organized server. I'm happy to say that I'm very glad this was my first official discord server! Thank you for making it!! I'm making so many new friends and I have you to thank for it! So thank you!!!

@wakkodoodle you're so kind!! Legit when I saw you followed me, I felt like the grinch with that whole,, heart expanding thing. Not to forget you're really funny!! On game nights where we play jackbox, I love your answers every. single. time. I laugh at it and think "This HAS to be Doodle, it CAN'T be anyone else" Also I agree, doodlexiaq IS canon

Artists/tumblr!

@therivertm I love how you draw the Warners!! They look so feral and its beautiful! Also I saw you joined IAQ's server so I hope we become good friends!!!

@nat0041 I love your art style!! Its super cool and everytime I see it I get excited. Also, congrats on 300 followers!! You deserve each and everyone of them! If not more, that is

@wllyra I don't know you very much but you seem really sweet and fun! I love how you draw and your TAGS. They legit make me cackle. Everytime I'm like "OP, you CAN'T hide these in the tags!!"

@i-restuff I ADORE how you draw the Warners!! Not to forget your animations are AMAZING. You seem really cool tho and I feel you'd be a really fun person to hang out with!

There's so many more but its 5:50am and I keep accidentally deleting this so I'm just gonna post this and if I left anyone out, I will put them in cause this is subject to change anyways. Love you all!!

[vietzuko]

if we used to share a discord server, this post is for you!

hello! i am going to try to do this as anonymously and non-confrontationally as possible. i do not want this to be a spectacle or call out post, but i will say that i am quite disturbed by the way situations have transpired on the server. 

in case you didn’t notice, i left! when i left, i wrote a little goodbye post in #general, which has since been deleted. either the mods deleted my goodbye or they banned me from the server (which automatically would delete my message). in case you didn’t see it, here was my goodbye message:

hi everyone, i’m leaving the server. if you’re a POC who is interested in joining an ATLA server where POC can talk about ATLA and critically discuss race, feel free to PM me for a link! otherwise, this is goodbye. see you all around.

i won’t rehash everything that happened in the events leading to this, nor will i name names in this post. if you were on the server, you probably saw what happened publicly or you can message me personally, either here or on discord. if we know each other through the server and you want some clarity over names/events in this post, please PM me. 

if you are a POC in the ATLA fandom who is concerned by the events of this post and you would like me to clarify which server i’m talking about, please PM me.

i just wanted to share the very long message that i sent to the mods (on their prompting!) because i feel that it shows my perspective on what transpired.  unfortunately, this message did not result in any meaningful change, except for me getting banned/my messages removed from the server. i suppose that’s a type of meaning! haha. 

anyway. here’s the message. cw for racism, yellowface

hi MOD 1 (and presumably the other mods who will read this message)! thanks for reaching out. i’ve had some time to dwell on the situation and discuss it with other people in the server who witnessed it and reached out to me personally. this is going to be an unbelievably long message, so i apologize in advance and thank you for your time in reading it.

i think the first thing i’d like to do is give some context for the incident and to give my perspective on why i said the things i said.

i have PMed a mod about a racist incident in the server exactly once. it was when i first joined, and i saw a picture of a white person in yellowface in the cosplay channel. i didn’t know any of you personally yet (and this was before some of you even joined on as mods). i have since told SERVER MEMBER 1 about this incident and i’m pretty sure they mentioned it to you because i noticed you’ve changed the yellowface rule. but i think that the context of me pinging a mod about a racist incident and then witnessing another (although less egregious) instance of racism by the mods might explain why i am, in general, hesitant about talking to mods about racism on the server. i am just trying to live my life and experience as few micro-aggressions as possible.

i also think the fact that i regularly educate and push back against white people’s racially harmful messages in the server is also important context. i realize none of you likely know this, but about every two weeks i receive an unsolicited PM from a different white person apologizing/asking for forgiveness/asking for reassurance/asking further questions about their racism on the server. i’m glad people are learning from me, but this is a huge amount of emotional labor that i put into the server and its members because of course i have to reply and explain things and tell them not to worry and thank them for apologizing, etc. i know that these messages aren’t your fault, nor am i asking you to do anything about this. but it feels important that you know the price that i (and perhaps other poc in the server, although i can’t speak to that) pay in order to share space with you.

MOD 2 has even messaged me personally to thank me for educating people in the server and responding to racist messages, saying: “really appreciate how much effort you put in and everything, i was trying to type something up but floundering badly.” it was a nice message, and i appreciated it a lot! it also led me to believe that the mods would prefer if i engage with racist messages myself, rather than ping them, because it felt like i was just going to be more able/willing to articulate a response anyway.

so when SERVER MEMBER 2 messaged the zukka channel “thought that lives in my head rent free: Sokka's hairstyle in canon is just a warrior's hairstyle and has meaning because of that. Sokka wearing the same hairstyle in a modern AU is undisputably queer-coded” and nobody replied for a while, i assumed that it was because they had seen what i had seen-- a racially insensitive message that totally ignores sokka’s indigenous heritage and the history behind indigenous hair-- so i decided to step in with what i thought was a balanced response. 

SERVER MEMBER 2 then replied with a cheery “Fair enough! I will defer to your greater knowledge,” which i couldn’t tell was sarcastic or not, but i decided to be generous and to believe they were genuinely thankful for my reply, so i responded with a “you too can have great knowledge. i only know things because i read things. anyone can read things and learn,” which is something i firmly believe and also a way to divert the conversation away from SERVER MEMBER 2’s mistake, which i felt was the most dignified solution for them. i suppose this message could be read as aggressive because i didn’t use exclamation marks? but that feels unfair and ungenerous because i genuinely did not mean this message in a harsh way.

then SERVER MEMBER 3 jumped in and asked a few questions, which i read as a request for clarification, so i tried to continue to explain my point. it felt like SERVER MEMBER 3 wasn’t understanding what i was trying to explain, or at least i wasn’t able to articulate myself well enough, which was making me a little tired and stressy (and i was also thinking about my own race and queerness in stressful and triggering ways), so i decided to tap out of the conversation. 

me: dude i love u and i respect u and i truly believe that u are trying very hard to understand, but this conversation is making me kinda heated

SERVER MEMBER 3: I’m gonna step back from it because it’s not my conversation to insert myself into, which is what I did initially and apologize for

me: i think it's so important to engage + ask questions & i appreciate that u respect my opinions on these things, but i think i'm just. i have said what i need to say and now must sleep. much love to all.

to me, this felt like me expressing that i was feeling tired and upset and leaving the conversation, while still attempting to reassure SERVER MEMBER 3 that i still admired him as a friend. i felt like the conversation had ended peacefully!

i hope this helps explain why MOD 3’s message came as such a surprise. 

“the escalation to defensiveness and accusation regarding the original (relatively benign) statement was unnecessary and exaggerated. There’s an atmosphere of purity policing that’s been growing, which is why I took away the squick channel, as I assumed that a space that encouraged no repercussions was facilitating irresponsibility aggressive arguments. “

i truly didn’t believe i was being defensive. i was very careful not to accuse anyone of anything. in fact, i tried as far as i could to coat my language in “i” statements-- “i would personally not choose…”, “i would just. stay away from…” in order to avoid “accusations.” i was also trying very hard not to be aggressive, and i (and other poc that i have spoken to about this) believe that the idea that my messages were aggressive is racialized. just because a poc is upset about racism, it doesn’t mean they’re attacking you personally! 

i feel so hurt that my messages were wilfully interpreted in this way, instead of being read generously and from a more compassionate perspective, especially since i voiced my own upset and discomfort during the conversation. it distresses me to think that me expressing negative emotions is seen as aggressive, rather than a cause for empathy or care, and i do believe that this is because of my race.

if a mod had asked me to take the messages to the DMs or to squick or even just let me know that someone was interpreting my messages as aggressive, i would have changed my behavior. (like i said earlier, i spend a HUGE amount of energy coddling white people on this server. i am very used to it.) 

instead, i got the shock of 45 minutes after the fact, being publicly chastised and labeled as aggressive and being told that my conversation was “something nasty or unwanted.” 

the idea that SERVER MEMBER 3 was de-escalating a “clearly escalating situation” feels untrue to me. i was ready to move on after i sent my message to SERVER MEMBER 2, but he kept engaging me on the subject! (no hate to SERVER MEMBER 3 on this.)

i think one of the most painful parts of this whole situation is the implication that i was attempting to “purity police,” as though i am a person who picks fights just because i want to feel good about picking fights?? or to act holier-than-thou???? i do not do this. if you have witnessed ANY interaction i’ve had with a racially insensitive white person on the server, you will know this. 

i am simply a person of color trying to live my life. i do not want to fight about racism. i want to chill out and watch my cartoons. unfortunately, sometimes, someone will say something that i consider racially insensitive and i will do my best to engage and explain why i find this insensitive. that is all. (it is important to note that most of the time, when i see racially insensitive things on the server, i do not say anything because i am tired and it is a lot of effort to engage. i truly only engaged this time because nobody had replied to the message and i was just like, oh, fine, i guess i’ll educate, since no one else has!)

this whole incident has honestly made me really hurt and disrespected. i have enjoyed my time on the server and i have made some good friends there. however, it feels clearer and clearer to me that the server is a space where white feelings of safety (not being criticized for their racist content) are prioritized over poc’s feelings of safety (not having to witness and experience racist content). i sincerely considered myself to be an active and enthusiastic member of the server, maybe even friends with some of you, but it feels to me that all of our previous positive interactions have been displaced by this idea of me as an aggressive, overzealous purity cop who calls things racist for fun. 

i don’t even know how to repair my relationship with the server after this because i really do feel horrible and sick about the whole thing. i have spoken to other poc who also expressed their concerns about the way the mods handled the situation, even if these other poc weren’t directly involved, and some of us are considering leaving the server, if we haven’t already. (i would also like to note that these people reached out to me, unprompted, to make sure i was doing okay after what they and i interpreted as a micro-aggression by the mods. like, we independently read the situation in this way.)

(also, not sure if this matters, but i talked to SERVER MEMBER 3 the morning after the incident because i wanted to make sure he was okay, and we both ended up apologizing to each other and having a really good and productive talk.)

thanks again for reading this. i hope that you’ll be able to better understand my perspective on what occurred. i truly appreciate the work that you put into the server (especially as someone who also puts work into the server lol), and i know it’s difficult to mod a large server (i also mod an atla server!), but i continue to feel hurt about this. i know it’s hard to read tone over server messages, but i really wish that my (and SERVER MEMBER 4′s and SERVER MEMBER 5′s ) server messages had been read with greater compassion. 

...

and that’s all folks! i’m going to be remaking my blog soon, partially because this whole experience has exhausted me and partially because i have been meaning to anonymize my internet presence for some time.

[dramarising-replacement]

Hey, anon here from /post/649483502519271424/

I wasn’t expecting my confession to go up so soon but I’m glad it did because the feedback so far has been so supportive. Thank you. 🥺💝 I had expected to be completely chided for dropping the ball like I did so everyone’s kindness has been refreshing and relieving. I’m submitting again because I wanted to say thank you and respond to the comments I’ve gotten so far: > Talk to staff about this I fear that may not do any good. As confirmed in the comments, the flightrising staff doesn’t tend to accommodate for situations such as these and I would love to know why not. They can obviously track stolen items/dragons from bought/hacked/stolen accounts, but they seemingly don’t want to bother helping people out with matters like mine and they should. I can’t figure out why they wouldn’t.

> I would try making things public That would most likely get me iced, as it would bring unnecessary harassment to the user in question, which is against the rules. (For some reason, FR is more worried about that than actual theft. Why? Who knows. Personally, I think there should’ve been a system designed for this very thing before the game even went live back in 2013 and them letting it go for this long without one is pretty inexcusable.) > Talk to somebody who knows them, maybe? Considered it but we don’t have any friends in common, (plus it could lead to the same outcome as above.) They seemingly quit the mutual server we were in, as well, as their last posts from there were from January and show their actual discord name, instead of FR name, which is required for that server. > Yikes, that’s a super shitty situation OP, hope you can get them back eventually Thank you. I hope so too. 💝 > Hey, so: if you disappeared for months you straight up forfeited your shit, and if it’s happened before they’re probably done dealing with you. You messed up. You ditched someone you had an agreement with more than once. I’m willing to bet, having witnessed this exact kind of conversation, that this person has bad anxiety and was given advice by their friends to just stop talking to you and to either exalt or keep your pair. Seriously, everyone in any fr chat I’ve been in (a third of the flights and FC, including Ice Chat itself) would give that exact same advice. It’s on you. It sucks you lost your project pair, but messaging them isn’t likely to help because they probably are just as stressed as you about it. There is also another possibility: they don’t remember who you are because they accidentally deleted your initial messages. Ah now this was more of what I was expecting. Firstly, when I said we’ve disappeared on each other before, I meant it was something we mutually did to each other due to outside circumstances, never malice. This is why I never was cross with them about it and why I’m left puzzled if it’s the reason they’re cross with me now. I don’t see why I’m being held accountable for something they have done to me personally and have never held against them.

Secondly, while I did drop the conversation and take full responsibility for that, the agreement was that they were supposed to breed the dragons indefinitely until they produced the project child, then both it and the parents were supposed to be sent back to me. They were allowed to exalt/keep/sell any and all rejects as payment. They bred them once since we last communicated and haven’t since so the agreement’s been broken on their end for a while now. Perhaps I should’ve kept a better eye on them, but I tend to trust others to not to need supervision.

Thirdly: Even if it is the lack of communication on my end, I can’t see why this whole thing can’t be fixed with an apology, a heart-to-heart and/or some compensation. They could demand all my gems and treasure and I’d happily pay it as I feel it is owed. If it’s a matter of not remembering, then why not just say so and return the dragons or ask for evidence of the agreement? Them having anxiety isn’t much of an excuse as I have anxiety as well and that’s been going off like mad since I noticed what had happened, three weeks ago. 🙃 Finally: we legit give this advice to everyone stop leaving your dragons with people for months at a time they take up space in people’s lair and it really isn’t cool

I take it by “we” you mean the people who frequent this blog. Regardless, this is pretty callous advice; encouraging thievery over what could be an outside problem or circumstance. People forget, people suffer loses, people die; it’s pretty cold to think they just stiffed you personally and use that as justification to steal what’s theirs. The advice should be “message them, air your grievances, see if they’re willing to listen and/or negotiate compensation, do so, then part ways.”

I understand it can be difficult dealing with people, but in my opinion: open communication is the key to healthy relationships and if the person doesn’t return the kindness, that’s never on you, for at least you tried.

That said, I want to give you all a big THANK YOU for your feedback and sympathy. It’s really warmed my heart and made me feel better about this whole thing. Thanks for being here for me and others like me. 💝💝💝

[azaffranist]

Frozen 2 deleted/early content

On the road to F2 there were tons of leaks and I saved as many of them as I could in the fear that Disney would delete them (because they loved to shut down whole websites because of that back in the day). As a result I have a lot of pictures saved on my phone and looking back on them... some don’t sound quite right because it’s definitely not what I saw in the movie. So here’s everythinggg I have. I did my best to organize stuff a bit but there are so many things it was... hard. Feel free to add more stuff in reblogs, replies and such!

Something to note is that we won’t take into account the “officially” released deleted content, which would include everything that’s in the Blu-ray, because basically everyone already saw that (Home, I Seek the Truth, Get This Right, Unmeltable Me, the Secret Room scene, Hard Nokks, etc). Generally, we won’t be analyzing deleted scenes from the official trailers, either, because of this very reason. Something “official” that we will consider, though, are the deleted clips animators have been releasing on Instagram and other sites, because those aren’t that popular.

Before starting here’s the link to all the deleted F2 lines I could find as well as some other additions. The post itself has even more links to other posts containing deleted content so have fun clicking on links. 

Last thing to mention, none of the merch photos here are taken by me. I got most of them from the leaks channel of the Arendelle Kingdom server during 2019. If any image in this post belongs to someone here and you want to be credited please let me know and I’ll edit the post.

This post is long. Like really, really, lagging-my-browser-as-I’m-writing-it long. So grab some popcorn and get comfortable or just take a look at what interests you.

So without further ado, let’s get started!

Deleted Artbook Content

One of the most exciting leaks we got were definitely these sample artbook excerpts. None of these pages made it into the final artbook, though.

This piece definitely belongs in Iduna and Agnarr’s backstory, in which the Northuldra leader wasn’t an ordinary man but a shapeshifter.

The biggest picture in this page points to yet another version of Iduna and Agnarr’s backstory. It’s possible to deduce Bruni hadn’t been fully developed yet or created at all since the fire isn’t pink.

The one on the bottom right seems to be an earlier version of the “forest freed” scene in the final movie, or maybe it happened in another moment altogether.

The most interesting of the three, though, is this one. Nothing in the movie points to the existence of a place like this. It’s interesting to note that this peculiar house looks very similar to Iceland’s “elf houses”, tied to the myth of the Huldufólk, “hidden people”, who were said to be small and live in a parallel world, being able to make themselves visible at will.

These are definitely the inhabitants of the Enchanted Lands, who look completely different than in the final movie with their long cloaks, hoods and staves. They look like mages. Were these the very first concepts of the Northuldra, or another group of characters altogether that ended up being scrapped? Only Ahtohallan knows...

Even though the tree and the vegetation illustration is in the book, there’s one missing and that one is the bottom left. One of the most popular theories in the fandom regarding that illustration is that it was an Arendellian military camp tied to the expedition to the Enchanted Lands. I think what we got in the movie is a watered down version of a much more violent and sinister endeavor to invade the Northuldra. The above mentioned deleted scene of the battle of Arendellians agains Northuldrans is proof of that.

This one shows the Arendellian gang and most likely Mattias looking at the walls of a cave with drawings on it depicting the Nokk among other things that I can’t quite make out. I’ve heard people say that an earlier version of F2 involved the gang encountering Mattias in a volcanic cave and that’s where this scene would go, but I don’t know if those are rumors or there’s an actual source. If someone happens to have knowledge on this topic in particular please let me know and I’ll update the post.

_________________________

Incomplete Frozen Fan Fest books and their alternate scenes

As I’ve mentioned in another post, Frozen Fan Fest happened on October 4th, 2019, and it was the official release of the movie’s first merchandise. We were all super excited to look at the storybooks and read the ending!

Except there was no ending and the books ended abruptly right before Olaf’s death, completely skipping over Show Yourself.

You hear that? “Elsa bravely dives into the Dark Sea”. We know the Dark Sea scene was shortened and that’s more proof.

This section of a Frozen 2 storybook explains how it went a bit better. After Elsa was defeated twice by the ferocious waves she climbed up some giant rocks and dove back in. Only Ahtohallan knows how that would be effective in this situation and not a waste of strength, but hey, I’m sure it looked super cool and I’d be down to see it.

”Elsa trudged through terrible winds and thick snow”... um... she didn’t? This might’ve been created when Show Yourself wasn’t a thing yet and her path through Ahtohallan was just that, trudging through terrible winds and snow, and not an inspiring song about self-love and finding yourself. I wonder how that scene would’ve looked.

Maybe we can find something relating to that “unused” section of Ahtohallan in a book called “Anna, Elsa and the Secret River”. Basically Iduna tells them that there’s a secret river out there and after the lullaby Elsa and Anna go nuts and try to look for the river outside. Seems like it was all a shared acid trip because next morning they seriously consider it was a dream.

Maybe here they didn’t realize they were in front of a river, because “Glaciers are rivers of ice” and this is what that Ahtohallan Elsa ventured into originally would’ve looked like? The white river doesn’t know...

This is by far one of my favorite ones. I wouldn’t exactly describe post-Show Yourself as a moment of calm and peace. Maybe peace but definitely not calm. Then it says that the signal meant that “she managed to cross the sea”. That’s a really weird way to describe “horrifying ice statue of colonialist grandpa killing an innocent native man”. I don’t know if they’re hiding the actual plot here of if they hadn’t yet worked out all the details of SY and the moment Elsa found the truth.

Anna has her cloak on as she finds the truth. Readers have no idea what this enlightening truth is because the ice statue is indistinguishable.

As it shows here, the original Iduna being Northuldra reveal was going to happen in a different way. I’m glad we got that final version... Because wow, Elsa and Anna are completely unable to connect the dots here. Anna was smart enough to figure out what to do after receiving Elsa’s message, c’mon! This should’ve been piece of cake...

 Iduna called Elsa “Little Snow”. This points to an alternate All is Found scene and we’ll talk about that more in depth later.

Same scene. Translation is: 

“While tucking the little princesses in, Queen Iduna sang them a lullaby about a far-away river called Ahtohallan, which holds all the answers about the past.

“Does Ahtohallan know why I have powers?” asked Elsa her mother.

“If it exists, it definitely knows that and much more,” answered the Queen.

So in this earlier version, Elsa has always asked herself if Ahtohallan had the answer to her powers... Doesn’t this make Show Yourself work even better? Here she always looked for that answer and she’d learn that she is the answer. I wonder why they took it out because it makes a lot of sense and would give buildup to Show Yourself.

Here what really matters are the squares with text. Olaf never ran through moss or became covered in it. Olaf never looks down a brook to be met by Nokk’s gaze from below. Maybe it’s an alternate When I’m Older?

And relating to that particular piece of merch:

Seems like in an earlier version, the Nokk was associated with waterfalls.

Everyone shut up there’s SWORD ANNA here. Found in a coloring book. I don’t speak Italian but Google Translate says: 

“Anna is a brave one: she does not hesitate to draw her sword to defend her sister Elsa and her friends from any new threat.”

GOOD FOR HER! This is definitely from the version we were shown in the teaser, when Anna wielding an actual sword and slicing someone with it was still a thing. Man, how I wanted that to happen...

_________________________

Alternate fully animated scenes found in animators’ posts

After the release of Frozen 2, animators started to post scenes they had worked on and showing the process behind them. Some of them were deleted, are different in the final movie, or have a completely different score accompanying them.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Adam Green (@agreenster) on Apr 6, 2020 at 5:31pm PDT

A completely different dialogue during the boat scene. Pretty heartbreaking and it’s even more buildup for TNRT, when Anna was left by literally everyone she loved in the planet.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Trent Correy (@trentanimation) on Apr 14, 2020 at 8:50am PDT

Apparently, for whatever reason, Gale was going to appear in the castle first.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Trent Correy (@trentanimation) on Mar 29, 2020 at 10:51am PDT

Olaf’s revival was going to be way different, and this implies that his death might’ve been different, too. Maybe his snow just dissipated and didn’t go anywhere? Maybe instead of being neatly placed by a waterfall, it fell all over the Enchanted Lands? I have no idea.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Mariusz Furmanczyk (@mariofurmanczyk) on Mar 21, 2020 at 7:11pm PDT

I absolutely LOVE this one, okay, and I have no idea why they’d leave it out. Turn your sound on and listen to the much more tragic alternate score. But more importantly, pay attention when she turns to solid ice: just like in F1 with Anna, her last breath is visible. Beautiful parallels, poetic cinema, and I’m hurt and confused and I want it in the movie. Excuse me while I call the police.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Mariusz Furmanczyk (@mariofurmanczyk) on Feb 26, 2020 at 5:47pm PST

Here the only change is the different score as she unfreezes. I love it so much. It’s so tragic, heavy and powerful. You can basically hear the fragility of Elsa’s fate as the ice breaks and she falls. Help. Here, here, and here, you can see other glimpses of this beautiful alternate score. Once again I’m calling the police and telling them Disney hurt my feelings by leaving this out.

I’ve hit the 5 videos limit already, but here is a link to an animation by jdublish. The change isn’t the scene itself but the completely different siren call Elsa hears. Much more ominous and creepy and I also love it, even though I have to admit the final siren call sounds catchier and more iconic. Also, kids under five won’t start crying of fear when they hear it.

Then there were also plenty of changes in the Elsa vs Nokk scene and we got to see one. Thanks to @justlookatthosesausages for pointing this out and letting me use her gif! The original video was set to private for some reason so I can’t post a Youtube link, but this is @justlookatthosesausages‘ gif:

Elsa struggled way more in the original version. Go to her post to see a comparison with the final version.

And now the awaited All is Found alternate scene! Thanks a lot to @lovewillthaw-j who helped me collect all the scenes. 

First two scenes from the trailers: the Official one, Elsa looks up and Iduna gazes at the northern lights.

The Japanese one, in which Iduna kisses Elsa’s hands. @catloafs pointed that out after F2′s release so thanks!

And the last two were found by @antoineharrakblog, so thanks for that! Here and here.

BUT there’s no need to click a bazillion links because @lovewillthaw-j‘s post reconstructs in a single video what the original scene would’ve been like. Go watch it!

UPDATE: Additions by @antoineharrakblog​. Thanks a lot!

Here we can see that originally, as the elements fled and Kristoff held Olaf, he yelled, “Wow, you’re heavy!”. Don’t know why this would be removed. Maybe they wanted to keep the scene serious? Maybe they needed to shorten the movie so that it didn’t exceed 100 minutes and cut little jokes like that?

 And here, showing Elsa seeing how Iduna saved her father, there’s some deleted dialogue: “Get the prince out of here!” “King Runeard, what did you decide?” in addition to a much more tense score in general.

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UPDATE: Screencaps of deleted/alternate scenes

Thanks a lot to @antoineharrakblog for bringing all of these pictures to my attention! Multiples screencaps have appeared in different magazines or books that clearly didn’t make it to the movie.

Anna never makes that movement in the final movie. There’s more proof of an alternate/extended “Elsa and Anna talk” scene.

This is another one. There exists a lower quality version of this picture which I can’t find right now, but it shows that Anna and Elsa are sharing kransekake in this particular scene (the particular food that we can see at the beginning of OFA).

These are all part of the All is Found scene we’ve been talking about. In the final movie we can see that All is Found serves as a sort of “bridge” between the past and the present, as it transitions from Iduna singing the song to Elsa to Elsa in the castle, reminiscing. But originally, Iduna finished singing All is Found in the past. There’s proof of this here. 

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UPDATE: Novelization deleted content

This information was provided by @theupsidedownpyramid​ so thanks a lot! There are some really interesting deleted scenes in the novelization.

In this one, Elsa felt the urge to release her magic after hearing the voice at the end of All is Found.

In the novelization Mattias and Yelena’s (or Yelana? Disney will never decide) relationship was a lot deeper than what was shown in the movie.

For more information and a more thorough analysis, read @theupsidedownpyramid​‘s reblog!

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Miscellaneous

So there’s only one image in this section but believe me, it’s so worth it. 

An animator casually mentioned that there was going to be a head kiss scene. Process it. Can’t? I can’t either.

_________________________

Wow I’m TIRED. I must’ve missed something but that’s all my brain can handle as of now. Thank quarantine for giving me the opportunity to work on this post all day.

Disney committed war crimes when they deleted some of these scenes. I have only one question: Why in the world would they do that? And more information might see the light of day in the future. I’ll never get tired of trying to piece together the convoluted puzzle that is the original Frozen 2.

I will update this post if I remember something else or if someone else has more content to share. Let’s reconstruct F2 together to visualize that movie Disney deemed too cool for us!

UPDATE: Into the Unknown: the Making of Frozen 2 Documentary finally has a concrete release date, June 26th. Let’s hope we can see more stuff then!

[marcilled]

5 years

It was 5 years ago today that a humble little minecraft server first opened its gates. 5 years ago, I started @quixol​ with a team of 8 friends. Today, only 4 of those original friends are still on our Staff team, and the server is a shadow of its former self.

There’s a lot I could talk about with Quixol, but before I get into it, I just want it to be known that this is a highly personal post from me. This isn’t an official announcement, but seeing as I’m an admin, it’s definitely of pertinence if you are someone who is a part of the Quixol community.

If you’re new to following me, or just don’t know what I’m talking about: Quixol is a trans-friendly minecraft server started by me and a few pals back on November 16, 2015. It’s primarily populated by folks from here on Tumblr, and is an LGBT+ only community. Over its 5 years, it’s gotten over 1600 unique players. And... Well, there’s a lot of history that took place during and after that, I can’t hope to summarize it here. You can see more on the about page on our blog.

So, yeah. Today is the 5-year anniversary of Quixol. Pretty big deal! And... we have nothing in store for today to celebrate that huge milestone. Pretty big bummer. The prior 4 years, the anniversary was the single biggest celebration of the year. We typically tried to schedule large server updates to coincide with the anniversary, just to make it feel that much more special. So, on the day that marks a whole half-decade of being online, why do we have no plans? It’s a long, complicated story. I’ll only be able to tell you my side of it. Everything written below is from my perspective, and doesn’t necessarily reflect how others think or feel.

Regardless of the lonely feeling on the server now, I just want to say, I’m really glad I could host such a fantastic community for so many years. Thank you everyone who has made the past half decade so special.

Long retrospective below (plus, discussion about Quixol’s future):

-----

Where to begin... All I can say at the start here is, don’t expect anything coherent, I typed this up while sleep deprived just the night before posting this, without much forethought of what I’d say in it. I just feel I need to get these feelings off my chest before I can mentally move on, you know.

Before I delve into this, I just want to put this sort of disclaimer at the top here: Despite how gloomy I make things sound throughout this post, Quixol is and was an amazing place, that I’m so glad to say I got to play such a pivotal role in. I wouldn’t trade my time here for anything. It’s been an honor to serve as an Admin over such an incredible community. I’ve seen countless new friendships forged, plenty of laughs and fun times to be had... I’ve even known several couples that met through their time on Quixol, I’ve known several people that came out or discovered more about their identity/gender/sexuality while on Quixol. It’s a great community, despite its flaws, and what we did over these past 5 years is nothing short of spectacular. I’m forever thankful for everyone who helped make this place as special as it is- you’ve all been such great friends. Thank you.

While I may speak a great deal about some of the lowest lows that happened on Quixol, you better believe it had some of the highest highs as well. Keep that in mind, so you know why I’m spending this much time and effort to commemorate this server that I’ve called home for so long.

I’ll start here with a rough timeline of Quixol... I’ll even include some screenshots for you all.

Old World (Nov. 2015 - Mar. 2017, mc 1.8 - 1.9)

Quixol began back in 2015 like I mentioned- whitelisted at first, but moved on to being unwhitelisted at a later date (I believe it was summer of 2016). Hundreds of people joined after the whitelist was removed, in just the first month or so. We owe that initial success to how much our blog post about the server got shared around, it served as a nice advertisement for the server. It was only posted to tumblr, so everybody who joined then was from the same sort of social sphere of 2016 tumblr. It was pretty lively, and we made lots of friends very quickly. A lot never logged in again after the first initial burst, but a fair amount stuck around.

The server started on minecraft version 1.8, which was before the end update that introduced elytra & all the controversial combat changes. Most people never even saw the server on this version, though, since it was still whitelisted when we updated to 1.9. The world we used back in 2015-2016 eventually got deleted at a later date, however we did provide an archive of this old world to download, it’s... somewhere on our blog, you can go find it if you poke around a bit. (Assuming the download hasn’t been removed from the website I uploaded it to, which would make sense since it’s just 20 gb sitting on some server doing nothing).

While there was plenty of merriment, there was also the fair share of drama. I can’t even hope to recall all the drama that happened in 2016, but one of our og mods got banned completely after the rest of the staff sort of woke up to the realization they were incredibly abusive. There’s lots of other stuff that happened then- I wish I could tell the “full tale” as it were, but it would be so long-winded that almost nobody would bother to read. Plus, my memory isn’t very good, so I would need to dig through old blog posts, discord messages, screenshots, etc etc to jog my memory... way too much work.

Protos (Mar. 2017 - Nov. 2018, mc 1.11 - 1.12)

2017 came around, and that’s when we updated the server to 1.11 and created a new world (Protos). That update happened on March 26, 2017- I remember because march 26th is my birthday, and the other staff made a cute little celebration for me on that day and I literally cried from how happy I was. It was the nicest thing anyone’s done for me in a long time. (God, I miss those times.)

A lot more happened during this time period, and honestly I’d consider the period in which Protos was our main, active world to be the most consistently active the server has ever been. It wasn’t always exploding with activity, but the people who joined and played during this time were consistent. And we had a relatively consistent influx of new players.

There was a lot more drama that happened during this time... More staff members left, mostly of their own accord (but never on a wholly positive note). Drama amongst some of the veteran/long-time players, arguments over how to interpret and enforce our rules.

Regardless of the troubles, I’d say this period was overall quite positive for Quixol. We even brought in our first batch of new staff members during this period.

Ghalea (Nov. 2018 - Present, mc 1.13 - 1.15)

I believe late 2018 was when we updated the server from 1.12 to 1.13. We rushed the update to this version quite a lot, which was a shame since it ensured the server had an egregious amount of bugs to work out, and lots of missing plugins/functionality. With this update, we made another new world (and, our current main world): Ghalea.

Regardless of buggy behavior, we managed to hit what I believe is the all-time peak concurrent player count we have ever gotten, which is something like 54-56 players playing at the same time. The server chugged so hard, I’m surprised it didn’t crash. All of those parties were so stressful to put on, but at the same time, incredibly fun and fulfilling to see when lots of people showed up and had a good time.

Funny, though: despite the success of the server, 2018 and early 2019 are the closest the server has ever gotten to absolutely tearing itself apart from internal staff drama. By early-mid 2019, several staff members ended up getting banned one after the other. So that left us with very few staff by that point (only 6 active staff, myself included, if I remember correctly).

2019 should have been a great year for Quixol, seeing as it was what many people referred to as the “minecraft renaissance”, “the great minecraft revival”, etc etc etc. However, the drama amongst the staff, coupled with drama in our personal lives, and just an all around lack of staff members to kick things into gear, resulted in a pretty lackluster year compared to the previous 4 years.

Despite all of that, we worked tirelessly to complete our greatest project yet, Chroma Park, just before our 4th anniversary on Nov 16th, 2019. It took a whole team of builders to complete, and several months in preparation/building.

With such a grand project completed, you would expect it would result in a flurry of new activity on the server... unfortunately, it ended up being almost the opposite. Because we called upon our “build team” to help with it, (several talented veteran players who volunteered their building skills), nearly all of our active players suffered some serious burnout after the major project they just completed. Lots of people just weren’t feelin’ up to minecraft anymore... And, that spelled the beginning of the end, really.

The culmination of this was that, going into 2020, activity on the server just... plummeted. Then, we all know what a shit year 2020 turned into. That just furthered feelings of burnout. I made another personal post about this, back in April- explaining why I had been relatively absent from the server for a while. It goes into more detail about the “hiatus” at that time, what caused it, why it continued so long, and how my personal feelings were at that time. Give it a read if you want. It even goes more in-depth about some of Quixol’s former staff, and how toxic behavior from them may have negatively impacted the community (especially in 2018-2019).

So, basically nothing has happened on Quixol in 2020... I took the time to update the server from 1.14 to 1.15 back in July, just so that the server was on a more stable version of minecraft- but all the effort poured into that resulted in basically nothing happening. Barely anyone even noticed, because it was such a minor update focusing on bug fixes. I hoped it would get the ball rolling again, but it just wasn’t enough.

While I wasn’t ready to throw in the towel just yet, I decided it was for the best if I put any plans on the backburner for a while, and focus more attention on building infrastructure back up again. I spent some time researching sysadmin stuff, and looking into upgrading my PC. I set up a new discord bot that we’re currently using on Quixol, & have in a few other discord servers I’m active in.

Then, I got tossed one of the most difficult months of my life in a long time pretty recently. It’s very recent/fresh, but suffice it to say, a decent chunk of what made it such a horrible month was related to drama within the Quixol friend group, particularly... me being a shitty friend. I made another post about this a while back, but I won’t link it since it’s a bit vague and not super relevant to what I’m talking about here. Just know, September this year pretty much demolished any feelings of hope I had for continuing work on Quixol.

So, that leads us to... Today. The 5th anniversary of Quixol.

Where did it all go wrong?

Now that I’ve laid out as quick a summary of the past 5 years as I could, I want to talk about some of the mistakes we made along the way. The people that made Quixol what it is, and how that history always seems to tie me down.

To tell you the truth, saying that “it all went wrong” sounds horribly pessimistic to me. Sure, I felt pessimistic going into writing this, but... Just looking back on everything we’ve accomplished, there’s never really a point where it “went wrong”. Moreso, Quixol has had its fair share of flaws baked in from the very beginning. But, perhaps those flaws are what made it what it really is. I can’t go back and change the past, and neither can you. Perhaps the best we can do is just accept Quixol for what it is, and acknowledge its shortcomings while allowing ourselves to feel happy about the good memories we do have.

While I’m not going to cast away every pleasant memory I have of Quixol, I must admit I find so many of them tainted and forever changed, just because of how many people entered this community, made their stay known, then left or were cast away on a sour note. There are countless people that were a huge part of Quixol, of my life, my friends, that I don’t speak to anymore. People that hate me. Maybe even some that I hate.

If I go back and think fondly of those times, I remember how the people in those memories largely don’t think fondly of me anymore. I remember all of my mistakes, all of the ways I could have avoided that outcome. All the ways I could have worked with those friends, to work out our differences, to just fucking communicate. Sure... some of those friends, there was nothing I could do for them. Nothing I could do to make things work. But, all the same... it stings, thinking of everyone I used to know. Not knowing who is still a friend, or who simply has no need for me anymore...

So much of Quixol’s history is tied up in knots this way. Complicated webs of emotion, suffocating in the tethers to its past. So many things built on the server, just wasting away, never to be touched again... New players won’t even know it. They don’t know, can’t know the history behind those blocks that were placed. It sounds a bit silly talking about it this way, but that’s how it feels to me. There’s real history behind each of these blocks, all of the little farms and structures and silly signs. So much of it, nobody even knows. But it wears on my heart, knowing all of that history, and feeling so disconnected from it. Feeling cast away by the people who forged those memories.

It’s a disconnect that’s always hurt, to me. Maybe I’m just too sentimental, nostalgic. Maybe I cling to the past too much. But it feels impossible to ignore... So much of what made Quixol what it is today was left there by people who want nothing to do with me, us, anymore. What does that say about Quixol? About me...? About our group?

There’s a lot I could say about this, but it’s stuff I’ve mentioned before. I hang on too tightly to the past, and am often too critical of my own mistakes. But, sometimes the past is just the way it is, and there’s not much that can be done about it. Regardless, I find myself feeling regrets about every little thing that went wrong, and thinking about where all those people are now... Maybe one of them is even reading this right now. If you’re out there, hey. We can still talk. I’m not going to hold a grudge on you forever. It’s ok.

My influence

Since Quixol began in 2015, I’ve tried my best to be nothing more than an “Admin” of Quixol... not the “owner” or “lead admin” or “founder”, just “admin”. I hoped I could encourage the other admins to be leaders in their own rights. While each of the admins we’ve had has been great leaders in their own respect, I feel that every one of them has been, unfortunately, tied down by my influence to some extent.

In most aspects of life, I’m a very timid, indecisive person. I’m incredibly anxious, and lack confidence to a worrying degree. However, a different side of me can be seen in the safe, comfortable environment that Quixol provided for me. Surrounded by friends and people who I felt really got me, I became comfortable enough to show some level of confidence in myself... In all honesty, for a long time, I was never able to recognize this self confidence for what it was. I really was not, and mostly still am not, used to feeling confident in myself or my own abilities. Like, at all. So when I actually feel good about myself, like I actually know what I’m doing... Well, for a really long time, I didn’t even process it as such. I just felt like I knew the right answers, and that was it.

On Quixol, this often manifested in a specific way... Being proud of my own knowledge & skills with minecraft, I would insert myself into any discussion about Minecraft, the server, or just anywhere I could, and offer up my knowledge, opinions & help. This hardly sounds like a problem, but... The problem was just in my unwavering presence. I was everywhere on Quixol, you couldn’t escape me. I dominated the space with my presence. Not that I interrupted people (usually...?), I just would try to put myself anywhere a conversation was happening, assuming it was, like, appropriate for me to do so on some level.

Whenever I chimed in with my thoughts, eventually there became this sort of air of almost... superiority about it. This feeling that my word was “final”, or that I had some layer of expertise on everything, and that if I said what you said was right, that was a pretty good indicator you were on the right track. I didn’t pretend like I was infallible, and I don’t think anyone ever saw me as that. But the perception was generally that if Vivian says it, that holds weight to it. Perhaps this is somewhat unavoidable of a staff member, but... it was this way even amongst the staff.

I never really realized that I was creating this environment within the community, because it happened rather slowly. But as things moved along, other staff began to pick up on this (perhaps subconsciously). Including even the other admins. Quickly, my own insistence on doing things a Specific Way, became “the Right Way” to do things on Quixol... Whether I intended it or not.

Now, this is something I didn’t know until quite recently, but I actually have OCD (undiagnosed, but it’s glaringly obvious to me at this point). My ocd comes out in minecraft, and specifically Quixol, quite a lot. I have very ritualistic ways of doing things, whether it be while building a project in-game, to managing specific parts of the server- we have a very detailed format in which update logs are written, and I have very specific rituals related to updating plugins on the server, taking backups, etc. Even just the way I play survival minecraft has sorts of rituals in a way, like specific patterns in which I place torches. I’m not too educated on ocd, so excuse me if I’m using some terminology of this wrong, or if I’m spreading some sort of misinformation about it. This is just my experience.

Anyhow, with the extremely regimented way I manage things on the server, coupled with my constant presence in things, you can understand how this might lead to other admins, who have their own mental illness issues, to become very averse to doing a lot of admin-related duties. After months and months, years, even, of this sort of stuff... and... yeah. That leads to where we are now.

With my selfish behavior in the past, I’ve unintentionally created this staff environment where people are reluctant to make their own decisions, show their own creativity, etc. And that must feel incredibly frustrating if you actually want to do something to make a difference on Quixol...

I’m not even accounting for all the times I’ve butted heads with the other staff before, either. While much less frequent, I’ve definitely had arguments with folks in the past. And with the great amount of influence I hold over the server, it takes a lot of courage to stand up to what I say.

I’ve always resented that I hold this position of power over everyone else, and tried many times to address it. However, I don’t think I ever quite had a full picture of why things were this way. Now, I think I understand it better. Sadly, it feels too little, too late to make any significant changes without uprooting pretty much everything we have set in place already. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m being too pessimistic here... But, this is how I feel at the present moment.

I’m sincerely sorry to any current or former staff members, who have wanted to do something great for Quixol, but felt they could never convince me to go through with your idea... Or who felt pushed away from doing something they otherwise would’ve liked to, just because the attitude I gave, the environment my presence created, made you feel like you weren’t good enough or qualified enough to do it. You are good enough. I’m so sorry that my actions made you convinced otherwise...

I will say, this sort of mindset of mine, that I have to be the Most Right about anything relating to minecraft, or any hyperfixation/special interest of mine, has caused problems elsewhere, too. I talked about this in another post I made. I’ve only really come to realize all this stuff within the past few months, but I’ve been a really terrible friend to a lot of people. I never even realized until recently just how often I struggle with empathy, and how that’s colored so many of my friendships. Needless to say, it’s affected things on Quixol before, sometimes without me even realizing it.

My influence over the community also means if anybody’s relations with me in particular ever become marred, it must inevitably result in them leaving the community because there’s simply no escaping me. There’s not really anything I can do about this, though, aside from doing whatever I can to become a kinder, more

I’m far from a perfect person, and my imperfections seeped into so much of what made Quixol what it is. However, it’d be silly to suggest that I’m the singular reason that Quixol is flawed, if anything, that would be another form of arrogance- assuming that I singlehandedly shaped the way Quixol took form. No, it was always a team effort, and every single staff and community member held great influence of their own.

The Future

This part is probably why many of you clicked on this post... You want to know what’s going to happen to Quixol. You likely noticed I’ve been referring to Quixol in the past tense a lot in this post. Honestly, I’m not sure why I did that, it just felt the most natural to type it that way. But, I will be honest- the future of Quixol right now isn’t looking very bright.

This is a personal post, so I don’t want to deliver any sort of formal announcement about plans for Quixol here, especially since I haven’t run this post by the other staff before posting it.

For the past 2 and a half months, I’ve been taking a very long break from Quixol. Much greater than any previous break of mine... I’ve neglected to even log in for weeks at a time. I still keep an eye on the discord server, and check the mc <-> discord bridge channel to see which players have been logging in. But I have little to no motivation to play, even just casually.

While I’d love to give you some fun cool news about how this hiatus is ending soon and I have a million and one projects planned, that simply isn’t the case. I’ve gotten to this point where I’m rethinking everything about myself, who I am, and what I’m doing with my life. Surely, I can’t dedicate all my time and energy to running a minecraft server for the rest of my life, even though I do care deeply about this community. But at the same time, it’s not really my call to shut down Quixol, and I’d hate to pull the plug just because of my own lack of motivation.

So, for the time being at least, you can probably consider Quixol to be on a sort of “indefinite hiatus”. I am generally the one to update plugins, do major server updates, etc., and I likely won’t be doing any of that any time soon. I fully entrust the other staff to handle that stuff if they really want to, and I’ve expressed that to them already. But as things stand, nobody else seems to want to pick up the torch right now. Shit is rough for pretty much everyone, and we’re all equally burnt out. We’ve all grown up quite a lot since Quixol began, too. So... Don’t expect anything anytime soon.

If there are any updates, they’ll come in our Discord server first.

As for me, personally... I just need time away from all of this. It’s clearer than ever to me that I have a lot of personal problems I need to work on, and I think that the cozy safe environment provided by Quixol didn’t challenge me enough to really address those issues. I need time to focus on myself & my own growth. At the same time, I also feel like I need more experience being a part of a team, instead of just running the show. I’m not getting the kind of enrichment I need from running Quixol, so I’m trying to turn my attention elsewhere.

I’m doing this not because I want to abandon you guys, or because I feel like I want/need to move on from this community. It’s just... Something I need to do, for myself. And I’ll still be around, I’m still gonna be posting to my tumblr & twitter and stuff, and you can still reach me on discord. I’m just focusing my time elsewhere for once.

What does that mean for the future of Quixol? I don’t really know yet. But, for now, it’s not going anywhere. It’s just... also not changing anytime soon. Not even a little bit. I’m sorry to give you this disappointing news, but I hope you all understand.

I miss the good times on Quixol, too. I really do. Maybe we can share them again sometime? Who knows...

For now, that’s all.

It breaks my heart that we don’t have anything glitzy and glamorous to do to celebrate Quixol’s 5th anniversary... But it would be asking far too much of the staff to set anything like that up right now. Maybe we can have some sort of celebration later...? I dunno.

I hope you’re all staying safe & healthy out there. Thank you so much for reading this. I love all of you.

Happy birthday, Quixol.

[cozy-corner-system]

Nearly a year has gone by, and I find myself thinking about where I was back then.

I think back to the day-to-day fights in the innerworld and between alters, the derealization and disconnection from the world around me, the paranoia, the depression and numerous times many of us contemplated taking the life of the body. I think back to how alone I felt, how it felt like I had been abandoned by near everyone I loved and thought loved me.

We remember the thoughts of questioning, and pondering, of asking what we did wrong. Asking ourselves if we were just as bad as the person who had originally threatened to tear that family apart.

The feeling of a knife twisting in my heart at seeing my existence ignored. I felt like a ghost, like I had already died and everyone had finished mourning. And so my mind split to make one. Equinox is everything I was in those months, and it now remains as a reminder, and I thank her for it because I know it isn't its fault for how it was made.

Months went by of me, and everyone else, being silent. We saw the return of others who had not left as long as us being celebrated, and it hurt. We saw the message we had whispered to a friend be passed along, and how it was basically ignored - nor given as much love as the others. We saw how the only time my name was spoken in months was when something was wanted. We saw how the well-being of others was questioned, how they were reached out to with kindness and love, yet we had not received anything similar.

I saw how quickly someone I used to hold close moved on to more mentally stable people. She never much liked when people had issues, seeing it as something selfish and unfair to her, so who am I to be surprised and hurt by it?

We saw, we heard, and we remember. Now that almost a year has gone by, I look back at all of this with a smile - and it is one of love and warmth. I'm glad this happened, because it lead me to where I am now. It lead me to who I am now. Who we are.

The day I deleted that server was the day I broke free of those chains, and ripping out that knife from my heart so as to finally let it begin to heal. It's another scar, but it is one that proves my strength. So many times did one of us almost do something horribly regrettable, and I'm proud of us for getting through it.

I've found my people in the outerworld, and we have found ease in the innerworld. I don't think I ever could have dreamed of this being where I am, but I'm glad it is where I am.

We're happier, better, and I know I can look back at what happened and say one thing with certainty;

Thank you for teaching me what I'm worth, when to realize that people - when people you call friends and family - are taking more than they are giving in return, and how to take back control over all of that.

Thank you. It hurt like hell, but I'm happy it happened. To those I cut ties with, of which I know you'll never see this, may we never cross paths again, for both of our sakes.