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psi-spectacular · 10 months ago

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Since I saw @kibasniper111 do this for the campers, I wanna do some headcanons I have for the interns! Also they get sadder as you go down, be warned.

Raz

Trans kid who's fully accepted by his parents. Sorry I just really can't see the aquatos being transphobic and genuinely don't think transphobia is super common in the psychonauts universe? He's unlabeled at the moment and uses he/him pronouns.

Nona mixing up Raz's name with his brothers is because her brain had to connect Raz now having a boy name and connecting that to the other brothers so shes just a lil confused but shes got the spirit

He has (currently) undiagnosed autism, mostly because 1. there is no way the aquato family is able to afford a psychologist but 2. Augustus is also autistic and they have similar mannerisms, sensory issues, and stims so most of the family doesnt suspect that Raz is neurodivergent, they just think he takes after his father.

His helmet and googles are very much comfort items, but they also help with sensory issues. While they block out noise and reduce color in the area around him if needed, his helmet also stops him from constantly hearing the thoughts of others, which can easily overwhelm him.

He's mostly able to speak to smaller animals, mainly rodents like mice, rats, and squirrels, since they were the ones that were most common at different areas he would travel too.

He fell into water and almost drowned when he was little and that was the biggest thing that spurred the "hand of galocchio" thing.

Raz spent a lot of time in libraries and bookstores in the many towns he's traveled to in between practice and shows, and that was the way he discovered both his love for psychology and true psychic tales.

Raz is sensory seeking and douses everything he eats in hot sauce and spices. He'll try pretty much anything as long as its free and remotely edible. This extends to touch, he likes rubbing his hands on textured surfaces, especially velvet and fur.

He rubs his gloves on his face, bites, and scratches at them when he's stressed, so they're worn down where he's done it.

He has a plush toy Nona made him when he was a baby that used to be a rabbit but it's been repeatedly bitten, crushed, splattered in mud, and fixed so many times that it barely looks like a specific thing anymore, But he refuses to part with it no matter what.

His relationship with the junior agents goes from "eugh its weird having a kid here, we can't swear anymore." to "hello, this is our emotional support 10 year old, his name is shitfuck, we feed him moss, he's the golden retriver that keeps the cheetahs in our hearts from going insane, we constantly make fun of him and if you do anything to hurt his feelings no one will find your body."

Dona taught him how to forage and cook when he was little.

He enjoys dressing up and acting out roles whenever he can, and is very quick on his feet with his roles. He gets into LARPing later in life.

Raz doesn't have a specific specialty, so he's a bit of a jack of all trades when it comes to powers.

Morris

Another trans dude, Wowza. He's been out for a shorter time than Raz, but he's pretty comfortable with where he is right now. He's also bi! Woo.

He's peruvian, and was orphaned at a very young age before being adopted at around age 5 by his moms. He's currently 16.

He was one of Milla's orphans, but he was very young when the fire happened and he doesn't remember what happened or Milla, but his back did get injured in the fire and never fully healed, and that's why he's in the wheelchair.

His moms are rockabillies who own a motorcycle repair shop in the outskirts of Trujillo, They're big into 50's american culture and almost always have the radio on to whatever rock station is playing at the time, which helped inspire his love of radio and older fashion style. The albums he plays on KLOB are the only ones they let him bring because they were copies of records they already had.

He has a regular wheelchair with, you know, wheels, but when he fully learned levitation he found it easier to move around with a chair on a lev ball, especially on rougher terrain, so thats what he usually uses.

Despite his amount of Rizz he has no clue that Adam has a crush on him (not totally his fault, Adam's attempts of flirting are stuttery at best). He's just. Slightly oblivious to the feelings of others.

He acts like he doesnt care what people think. He very much does, and has some very overcompetative tendancies.

He and Gisu met in the motherlobe and have been part of the intern program for the longest, spending three years doing dumb shit in the woods while brushing off their intern duties or whatever they are.

He immediately took Queepie under his wing and they end up becoming really good friends, even if he isn't the greatest DJ. Cause he's, yknow, like 8.

Gisu

She/Her Intersex transmasc bisexual. Binds.

She's an Iranian immigrant who lives in a small town in the midwest, Same town as Lizzie and Norma. They're families know each other and they're childhood friends.

AuDHD and NPD.

She's an only child and lives with her mother and grandparents. She's slightly spoiled and they pretty much let her do whatever she wants, as long as she doesn't get arrested.

She's autistic and has a special interest in paleontology and robotics. She was part of her school's robotics team before joining the psychonauts.

She's very much a romantic, but tends to leap into crushes quickly and gets her heart broken.

Speaking of, she and Norma are QPPs.

Morris and her are besties and each others hypeman.

She has a tendency to work on her projects late into the night to the point of not noticing that its three in the morning by the time she finishes something.

She's easily able to focus on something that interests her, but if she doesn't think its something she would like to do, she procrastinates and avoids it like the plague. She gets easily distracted when she finally does get started.

Has a fursona. Its an otter.

BIG Boy band fan. All paul but also n-street, synced up boys, and whatever she can get her hands on. She doesn't care if its considered "trashy", it sounds good to her ears!

Also daft punk.

She loves Dion for his lack of swag and dumb barry b benson ass expressions

She was raised muslim and is personally agnostic but Sam convinced her Jesus and Moses were psychic and she constantly pisses Norma (catholic) off by bringing it up.

She's smart and gets good grades but doesn't have much respect for authority. She has A's and B's despite skipping most of her classes.

Adam

Transfem gay, but currently unaware of his gender, mostly from repression and not feeling the need to go too far inward. (Dont all guys wish they could wake up in the body of a girl and have no one question it and call him a she?) She/He, 16 years old.

She's from a rich, very influential family in britan known for having a lot of successful and gifted members. There's a lot of push for all the kids to do something "big" with their lives, and many begin to achieve that at very young, most having scholarships and awards at young ages.

And then there's Adam. Her biggest achievements are being

Truman's intern and that time she reached the quarterfinals of the county debate tournament. She's surrounded by ivy bound prodigies and musical geniuses and she's just… some history buff. She fades into the background noise, and feels like she's failing her family despite his best efforts.

Not fully conscious of the amount of wealth his family has. What do you mean your family doesn't send you 80 dollar tea overseas every month?

On a lighter note, He's taken it upon himself to become a bit of a "big brother" to Raz because he has a sibling around his age and he reminds her of them. She's trying to teach him how to play tetris. • As mentioned before, he has a crush on Morris but is terrible at flirting. He's one of Morris' few listeners on KLOB, but mostly does it because he enjoys hearing his voice.

She and Lizzie are absolutely TOIGHT. Lizzie immediately pinned her as a dweeb first time they met and she was right. They became a lot friendlier over time and were pen pals when Adam went back home after their first year.

Adam's eyes are all funky because he's got extra strong aura reading abilities, but the downside is that he basically goes blind for a while sometimes and has to orient around the world by seeing others auras and how they reflect off and affect objects.

Had a cringey katana-and-fedora phase when she was like 13. He tries to repress the memory. Her friends won't let her live it down because they have photo evidence.

Telekinesis specialist

Sam

CW For parental neglect, bullying, and parentification. Hoo boy lotta thoughts here.

Genderfluid Xenogendered Lesbian but not fully out to people who aren't the other junior agents. 14 and uses any pronouns but mainly she/her publicly.

Her family life is... strained. She lives in a pretty small town in the middle of nowhere, southeast america. Her family was normal when she still felt like a kid, but after Dogen acidentally blew up a bullies head, it became a frantic rush of lawyers, policemen, and hospital visits.

Since her parents were frequently away trying to figure out ways to mitigate Dogens abilities and find ways to settle the lawsuit they got, Sam would spend many hours alone. She quickly had to figure out how to cook and gather food outside to sustain herself because they would sometimes be in too much of a rush to prepare anything or be gone for longer than expected.

As things started to calm down, her parents would leave her alone with Dogen while they went off doing whatever else, and when they came back they would be too tired or too stressed to help her with anything.

She spent most of her days in the companionship of animals, almost always got up whenever Dogen was hungry or sick or had a nightmare, just to feed him and make sure he was okay.

Her parents basically treated her like a third adult when she was like 10, venting to her and letting her do most of the chores in the house when they were away, and they never really left her with a babysitter because she's "so mature for her age".

She has a strong fear of developing it herself, so she represses her anger. When someone is being mean to her and she starts focusing more on not blowing up than whats happening so she gets an unfocused look which leads to more teasing.

She eventually decided to just play into the "stupid weird girl" role, hoping being the butt of a joke in a friend group and making people laugh would help ease up her anger if she just laughs it off as her being dumb. (This ended up leaking into her and Norma's relationship and was part of the reason why they broke up.)

She did actually get in prison! She had a meltdown when the teasing became too much and attacked one of the girls in her "friend" group. She got sent to juvie for that. Her parents had to get a lot of recommendations from Compton to get her into the intern program and send her away.

The anxiety is genetic!!! Yayyyy!! Same with the autism.

Her trauma's left her with a very dysfunctional view of relationships and uses the animals as a way to feel like she has some control over her life and that she isn't a servant, she can lead too and help others improve themselves. This ended up leaking into

Heavy backstory stuff outta the way, back to the present. Sam's nickname is barncat because she runs off in the middle of the night and comes back the day after covered in mud and whatever else. She's basically made herself queen of the questionable area and forages for food and scrap metal at night. also she occasionally hacks up hairballs. no one wants to know why

Despite her.. questionable pancakes, Sam is actually a very good chef! She's just better at using more dubious ingredients.

She has PCOS and is on birth control to regulate it (projecting...)

Also IBS! She gets random tummy aches a lot and has zero clue why it happens.

Sam's kinlist includes raku chan gregor samsa and that canary she saw once when she was a kid

Sam constantly masks back home and the motherlobe is the only place she feels she can be weird and free. She used to have longer hair but she lopped it off sometime during her internship because dysphoria (i hc its like end of summer so near the end of the intern program that year)

Sam ends up deciding to become Raz's weird older sister. Sam has no braincells, raz simultaneously has a lot of and no braincells at the same time, but when they're together they somehow add up to -7. She gives Raz advice that ranges from suprisingly helpful to very dubious

She really does love her grandpa, even if she's seen less and less of him throughout her life.

Her specialty is zoolingualism, but I think she'd be skilled at abilities that require her hands, like Psi-Punch and confusion bombs. She used mental connection to create a lasso of sorts she calls "critical thinking" which lets her lasso enemies and tie them down.

Norma

Cw for emotional abuse and manipulation.

Norma's a trans girl, who uses she/her pronouns exclusively. She's a lesbian, 15 years old. She's also Afro-Filipina.

I've mentioned this, but her mother is the mayor of the town they're from. They've very much in the higher rung of their town when it comes to wealth.

Norma's mother is very cold and analytical, constantly seeing most things she does as transactional. Every positive interaction is a step towards a vote, every negative action reflects badly on her status. Average politician. This extends to her daughters and how she expects them to act.

She's the kid that's always trying to be on her parents good side, because failure isnt tolerated in their family and definite high expectations for both sisters and how they're supposed to behave. The two of them constantly needed to fight to get their mothers affection and love. But Lizzie's pretty much given up on trying to appease her, so despite her powers being seen as "less rare", she's the preferred child now.

Her mom uses her as a token of "I'm not transphobic! I have a trans kid!" Despite, in private, constantly misgendering her and insisting she barely change her name (norman to norma) You know how transphobes are a minority in this verse? Yeeep. Its better for her mom to pretend her views are something else so she can get more votes.

Should I add the two of them had a catholic upbringing? Big amount of guilt on her end but at the same time a sense of superiority and entitlement. She's devout and retreats into religious studies as a coping mechanism

Raz makes her feel threatened in her status as "#1 student" and she's very aggressive about it.

She's still not over her and Sam's breakup and is slowly starting to obsess over her and why it ended.

Norma is a big fan of detective shows like Columbo, Sherlock, and Death Book. She absolutely wants to be a detective and solve mysteries, part of the reason why she joined the intern program.

She has NPD, BPD, Autism, and struggles with insomnia.

Despite her last name, neutral to christmas.

Shes a teachers pet and would remind the teacher of the homework just to piss a specific person off.

Touch averse, only lets people she trusts touch her.

She's a closet weeb and uses her psychic abilities to make her glasses glow like an anime character

She has a sherlock based tumblr (or livejournal or whatever you want them to use) and gets into ship discourse at 3 am. She also writes amateur death note yaoi. On paper. She gets so embarassed about it she burns it as soon as she's done.

She misses the time she spend with her sister and envies how much freedom she has from rebelling against her parents. She wishes she could do the same but also wishes they could go back to normal so Lizzie can have a seat at the dinner table again.

She can do glassblowing with her hands.

Lizzie

Same CWs as Norma, Cw for emotional abuse and manipulation.

She's closeted genderqueer and a lesbian, uses They/She pronouns. She and Norma are twins but Norma insists she's the older one.

She's just given up on her relationship with her parents. No matter what they do, she isn't going to go back to constant competition and stress. She doesn't want that anymore. The Natividad sisters give off "rich parents in a gated community" vibes but Lizzie abhors their entire lifestyle and spends like 90% of her time outside the house doing random shit

She's realized the privilege that comes with her position, and decided to hang out more in punk spaces and with kids considered "teen delinquents" or "the wrong crowd".

She prefers dumpsterdiving and thrifting over the stuff her parents buy her, stitching and crafting her own clothes is an act of rebellion because they constantly scold her for wearing "Rags".

Her parents finally gave up, deciding to go "Fine, you want to be stubborn? We'll just pretend you don't exist." They give her somewhere to live but otherwise don't acknowledge her existence in the family until she learns to behave. She created a second hangout spot in an abandoned building with her friends and she'd spend long hours there.

She'd rather be a high school slacker who hangs out with poorer punk kids who arent "in the right groups" and actually have a social life than fighting for the spot of "perfect precious angel child" for the rest of her life. No matter how many punishments they give her. She won't let anyone know, but the way her parents treat and talk about her really hurts.

She has undying hatred for hostile architecture and drags Norma along to melt the spikes.

She fake smokes. Using candy cigarettes and using her powers to make smoke because it makes her look cool but she doesn't want lung cancer.

Very into Christmas but more into the gift making and pagan traditions.

She reads vampire romance novels for flirting tips (and also cuz they're her guilty pleasure). She also pretends to be a vampire sometimes.

She enjoys going cryptid hunting and scouring local forums for information.

Hates wearing fancy dresses. Ripped up skirts and suits ONLY.

Introduced Norma to anime, favorite is Akira and fave manga is Battle Angel Alita.

#psychonauts #psychonauts 2 #headcanons #long post #cw emotional abuse #cw neglect #razputin aquato #morris martinez #gisu nerumen #adam joseph gette #sam boole #norma natividad #lizzie natividad #lots of thoughts im dumping out

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guardianssystem · 1 year ago

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Okay, hello! We have really never used Tumblr before, well, this week (for all you "you're from Tumblr" folk) but here we go!

We are a traumagenic DID system with severe CPTSD and PTSD. Our collective pronouns are phe/phex/phins, based off the word "phoenix", and yes you can use them, we have been posted on LibsOfTikTok and been harrassed for them. We have autism, ADHD, NPD, BPD, MADD, and a couple other things (a lot of it led to each other.) We're also legally blind and yes us needing glasses is a disability, we currently have undiagnosed breathing issues, and we have seizures, usually as a response to trauma. We're gay, an adult, Elfkin/Angelkin/Fallenkin/Deitykin/Alienkin, a femboy, transmasc, and some form of intersex :)

We currently live in New Zealand, and we're "NZ European," although we're not entirely sure where our family comes from. Some were Romani, a lot were Bulgarian, some were Celtic, apparently? We hope to look into it further at some some point.

We currently live with our abusers! We hope to move out by the end of 2023, when our mother's legal control over us ends (she has control because we're disabled, also yay.) Until then, we live at home in a single small room with our husband @theharbingerofxhaos . We can't get a job because we're considered a danger to the workplace, so we're relying on our wife's benefit to live until we're able to get on our own (love you Chaos xoxoxoxo)

We stream on Twitch sometimes! We hope to post art on BlueSky and used to post on DeviantArt! We post about plurality on Twitter, we post about Otherkinity on Reddit, we post about real life shit on Instagram, and we post what's supposed to be cosplay on TikTok! You can almost always find us under GuardiansSystem.

Uhh - we write stuff, we draw stuff, we cosplay sometimes, we walk around dressed as a goth, we own really dumb cats, we used to do.. a lot of dance, we sing, we guess? We might start SW stuff in the future, too. We hope to properly study psychology at some point, and we're doing some on-and-off psychology stuff right now, but money.

And we guess we should mention this, but we support, well, stuff that other folks might not support, we've never really specified exactly everything we support and what we're against. We don't have a DNI except for those really annoying kids who go "not reading all that" (mostly /s, but please don't waste our time :(

We will specify, however, that we do support mspec lesbians/gays and pronouns not equaling gender, because no, they aren't hurting anyone, and yes, they've been in history forever, and no, mspec does not mean male-spectrum, and yes, being against them is being against plurality as they're a part of nearly every system even of you don't realise it. And yes, we used "plurality" because being anti-endogenic systems and non-traumagenic plurality is racist and endorsing colonisation.

That's all we can think of, so a little intro for our alters at the time of writing this, since we've never done it before. Not complete list, we don't name some trauma holders and our littles :)

-alters-

Ash: they/them, 16, a cloud. They're a little strange and probably won't be around a lot.

Austin: he/him, 23, basically a Lizardfolk thing from a very specific D&D game, protector. He's a common fronter, overly serious, and also not serious.

Avira: dae/daem/thay/thayme, 14k, a ghost, protector. Incredibly ADHD, won't be online a lot.

Crimson: red/reds, 22, "Royal Dragon Celestial" (no, we don't know what it means either), persecutor. Bit of a dick, really, but can be pretty sweet, just please, don't annoy them. Also incredibly femboy gay.

Desmond: he/him, 27, a variation of Desmond from Assassin's Creed in that he describes himself as a "Templar God," protector/persecutor. A little bit stupid, has horrible dress sense, tells everyone he's straight when he really is not.

Elliot: he/him, 29, he's Elliot from Stardew Valley and looks identical, protector. Very serious, no fun, very autistic.

Katharos: xe/xyr/xyrself, 27, a Fallen Angel (profile picture), old host for a long time, persecutor. Doesn't come out a lot due to some undisclosed reasons, can be sweet or very rude.

Khaos: dre/dren, 16, Abyssal Dragon, protector. Very, very hyper, no filter at all.

Lotor: he/him/her (not she), 10k+/ageless, we had a horrifically intense hyperfixation on Voltron Legendary Defender for years and this is the result, caretaker. Overly serious but can be fun sometimes, not a fan of his source material.

Marcus: he/him, 38, Moon Knight, persecutor. Very stupid, blunt, rude, and an asshole (and the one writing this)

Nightsong: she/they, 48 or 4000, an altered demon-y factive from our past life, protector. Incredibly blunt and dresses in a very revealing fashion.

Rakan: he/him/nyc/nycto, 39, Hellhound, protector/persecutor. Tiny bit stupid, very sweet, very protective, and very gay.

Sombra: voi/void/voids, 32, floating piece of void that looks sort of like a biblically accurate angel, gatekeeper, and maybe current host. Original asshole, nicknamed asshole, very much assholy.

Tim(e): he/him, ageless, an altered angel-like factive from our past life, self-helper. Very autistic.

Tristan: it/its, 16, an ocean and also somehow Scandroid's cover of Thriller, gatekeeper of our non-traumagenic subsystem. Hyper, strange, doesn't front a lot.

Zalaph: lun/luna/lunself, ageless, a shadow, persecutor. Hasn't been out a lot but very lesbian.

Okay thanks, goodnight, going to bed o/

-Marcus

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kleenexwoman · 1 year ago

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If Bucky Was Captain America Instead

Tony: Everything special about you came out of a bottle.

Bucky: Yeah, well, everything special about your dad went *into* a bottle.

Tony: that's not funny, my dad's alcoholism contributed to my traumatic childhood

Bucky: okay, I'm from the 40's, we either joked about this stuff like it was normal or never talked about it at all

Tony: oh no me too, I have never gone to a therapist that wasn't court-ordered. Anyway, my dad never showed me any affection or support and constantly made me feel inadequate in every possible way. And you were the ideal he constantly compared me to, so you can probably understand why I lashed out at you at first. That was entirely due to my own insecurities, and I'm sorry.

Bucky: I mean, I know, I read your profile.

Tony: Really? Natasha said she thought I was a narcissist.

Natasha: No, your dad was a narcissist. You've learned a lot of behavioral patterns from him, but also from reacting to him -- like hypervigiliance, a tendency toward all-or-nothing thinking when you're stressed, and intense outwards self-destructive acts in order to either seek or divert attention. I mostly just wanted to shock you into action. I honestly didn't think you'd internalize that.

Pepper: I was kind of counting on it, actually. My veneer of personal superiority over you really depends on you thinking that you can't possibly handle your own affairs without me. Your sense of irresponsibility is probably due to an undiagnosed executive function cluster disorder, with the guilt exacerbated by your parents and everyone around you assuming that you were being selfish or not living up to your potential, but nobody ever bothered to teach you any real coping strategies until Rhodey literally came along in college and helped you learn how to study.

Rhodey: I did that, yes. I feel at least partially responsible for your success in life because of that. Am I saying you owe me one, like how your continued contract with the United States military has helped my career with me as your liaison? I'm not NOT saying that.

Thor: wow, you humans are being very honest. Are you always like this? It's really inspiring, but somehow you all remind me of Loki when he's roasting someone. Even though you're all being very polite now.

Loki: THOR! I FIGURED OUT HOW TO WORK THIS STAFF! WE CAN DEFEAT THANOS AND GO HOME!

Bruce: wait, I want a breakthrough.

Clint: Oh yeah, man, try EMDR and beta-blockers. Worked wonders for my PTSD from all of the many, many traumatic things I've been through. I'm managing my clinical depression, and I have a farm with a wife and kids.

Natasha: I'm in the local Big Brothers Big Sisters program and thinking about fostering. There's more than one way to nurture young people. And this way, I can create an entire army of knife-wielding vigilantes who are loyal to me.

Bruce: so you two are already, y'know... Self-actualized?

Natasha: I mean, it's a process, but I'm feeling pretty good about where I am in it.

Clint: I can refer you, if you want. Dr. Emma Frost. She doesn't take co-pays or insurance, she just finds the person who she decides is responsible for the issues you talked about that session and telepathically persuades them to pay the bill.

Clint: Fury is going pretty broke from the whole thing.

Fury: I am not. That's my fun money for Mistress Diamond Bedazzla. She makes me put on a governess outfit and read her bedtime stories with swears in them.

Clint: yeah, she has fun with it.

#captain america #avengers fic #bucky barnes #tony stark #incorrect quotes #incorrect avengers

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ruvviks · 11 months ago

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idk what emojis have or havent been sent anymore so if there are any you REEAAALLLYY wanna answer for either of your guys here is your opportunity hehe [:

oc asks!

🎮 VIDEO GAME CONTROLLER — what are three of your oc's favorite hobbies?

heavenly likes keeping a journal! he writes in it a lot and also keeps several notebooks full of vampire encounters and any new information he can gather on them. he enjoys making list and gathering data and this is a very nice and organized way of keeping his brain busy in quieter moments. he also likes to code in his free time, building websites and online games and stuff! also enjoys drawing a lot but he sucks ass at it but he doesn't care, he's still having fun with it

🩸 DROP OF BLOOD — what is your oc's blood type?

heavenly's blood type is AB- :^) it's a rare blood type in the united states which makes his blood very attractive to a lot of vamps which is kind of a bummer for them since heavenly is one of the best vampire hunters in the united states. but also he likes getting his blood sucked so if the vampires would just ask him nicely instead of attacking him they would have a much better shot at getting a taste of that

💤 SLEEPING SIGN — is your oc a light sleeper or a heavy sleeper? how are their sleeping habits?

heavenly is a pretty light sleeper but can very easily fall right back asleep when he's been woken up by something. he tends to sleep throughout most of the morning, wakes up for some lunch/dinner type meal, goes back to bed to take a nap and then spends most of the night up and moving either on a job or running errands and such. sometimes a job will take him into the early morning hours and then he tends to stay up to get some breakfast, and then he will sleep from late morning to early evening instead

🚫 PROHIBITED — does your oc drink/smoke? do they do it regularly, or is it more on occasion or for special events?

heavenly drinks a lot more than he probably should but doesn't smoke because it makes him nauseous. he doesn't like beer or wine so he never touches any of that but he likes cocktails a lot :^) or a good old cola and rum or some other mixed drink. he rarely drinks strong liquors straight from the bottle but if he had to pick something it would be vodka to give his brain a reset

🍝 SPAGHETTI — what is/are your oc's favorite food(s)?

heavenly loves a good stir fry or some really good pasta. adds entirely too much cheese and garlic on almost everything he eats. absolutely addicted to garlic bread. would probably put hot sauce on most things as well and also loves tossing pineapple through meals. he's got interesting eating habits but it's essentially all his comfort foods mixed into one and it fucks severely every single time

🤒 FACE WITH THERMOMETER — does your oc get sick easily?

heavenly gets sick pretty regularly but usually nothing more than a common cold and he gets over it pretty fast as well. it's mostly due to him being outside a lot especially at night and he's not always properly dressed for the occasion because he never checks the weather forecast

💍 RING — does your oc have any piercings? do they want any (more) piercings?

isaac has an earring in his left ear! he rarely wears it anymore but will occasionally put it in again for special occasions :^) he hasn't actively thought about getting more piercings but if he would think about it he would spin around the idea of getting his nipples pierced for entirely too long. baby girl you are a priest

🩹 ADHESIVE BANDAGE — does your oc have any physical and/or mental disabilities?

isaac has asthma, recurring sciatica in his right leg, and autism. he had hoped being a vampire would fix the first two problems but it has not :/ he's got medication for his asthma but never sees a doctor for the sciatica because it goes away on its own most of the time anyway. the autism is undiagnosed and i don't think he would be aware of it himself either but it's there alright trust me

🐶 DOG FACE — does your oc have any pets?

isaac does not have a pet right now but i'm planning on giving him a cat during the story events :^) cats usually don't mix well with vampires but this is a very brave little kitty who will not leave isaac alone so he has no choice but to adopt it

💙 BLUE HEART — does your oc have any cool/special powers and/or abilities? how are they with magic, if it exists in their world?

i still don't have a name for isaac's bloodline but his bloodline has a couple of traits that make it unique. for starters, they're the most dangerous bloodline when feral because of their speed and how many victims they leave behind. their eyes go white entirely when they're feral which has something to do with their eyes adjusting to their surroundings so they can target victims easier. while they cannot transform into a bat or any other animal for that matter, they ARE capable of flight and also possess slight telekinetic powers :^)

#asks #reaperkiller #ask:heavenly #ask:isaac #oc asks #THANK U i think i answered most of the emojis at this point. this was fun they both have complete personalities now

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pogbur · 1 year ago

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at least someone does Okay so your kinda opening the doors here so I'm just gonna tell you my whole life story

I wont tell my exact age, but I am under 15. I am in therapy.

Most of my trauma is a result of bullying and my parents (mostly, you guessed it, my dad).

I don't have empathy (cough undiagnosed autism probably cough), I am cripplingly self aware, and because my father pointed out every time I was unknowingly rude/mean, I have anxeity.

I was diagnosed with adhd when I was young, both my parents have it. But before I was, I struggled finishing my work in school, and this caused depression. The depression has been a consistent, though having different reasons throughout my life.

My mother's parents were absent, my father's parents were abusive, they known each other since 14, they had me in their early 20's, they cannot live without eachother. They used to argue alot, not as much anymore, but it still probably left a lasting impact on me idk

Because of both my parents father's Trauma, I was raised to be a friend to my father, rather than a child. He now understands this, but it has left an impact on me.

One of these impacts have left me feeling older and not fitting in with my peers. I am bullied, made fun of, and taunted. My life at school is hell, and when I tell the people they are being mean, they say "I know, it's funny"

I can go on, like how I feel guilty for doing my father did to me to my child sister, how I feel responsible for my parent's emotions, how I think my whole life is a lie because my father believes he is lying to himself, so he makes me think I lie to Myself, How my dad once told me he wanted to kill himself when my child sister turned 18 and how he didn't believe that I loved him because I struggle showing affection which caused my to disassociate which I'm not even sure if I was actually disassociating or doing it because I wanted to be like the other people who are struggling so I'd fit in, etc

But I don't want to burden anybody. Sorry

Vent playlist: The Bad Times

27 for the ask game

27 - How many hours of sleep did you get? I honestly have no idea. Probably a good amount, but I don't sleep well. I slept at my grandfather's house, on the floor in an extra room since my parents and sister were sleeping in the other guest rooms. I think I was crying in my sleep- my eyes were wet

#as I said #cripplingly self aware #I should print this out and give it too my therapist lol #again sorry #you don't have to feel anything towards this #or feel responsible for me #or anything

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xo-cuteplosion-xo · 4 years ago

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hii lu <3 you said comfort requests are always open so I thought I’d request something since I really love your writing :)

how about dazai and akutagawa comforting or helping an s/o who’s having trouble with basic tasks (showering, eating, getting up, falling asleep) due to possible depression? like they’re drained and have no motivation to do anything anymore.

feel free to ignore this if you’d like! and as always, take care of yourself ily 💕

Aight, so because you said “possible”, I’m gonna go with undiagnosed depression. Sorry for the mix of HC and fic with this, but I figured that was the easiest way to do this request?

Comfort for (possible) depression | Dazai, Akutagawa x reader

Warnings: talks of depression references to self-harm

Dazai-

He notices right away. There is nothing he pays attention to more than you. After all, that’s what partners are for right? He sees you as his one and only, and that means he cares for your mental well-being.

He does however invade privacy, but he has his reasons. For one, he understands the pain. At first, you may notice how you're left with one razor and it’s a safety razor. That’s all you have to shave. Asking Dazai about it goes nowhere because he’s an excellent liar, so he convinces you he knows nothing. Slowly, you’ll notice medication start to be organized and the extras hidden in the back. He denies any knowledge, even if it makes you skeptical.

He knows, and damn does it hurt him to see you slowly start to stop caring. The lack of self-hygiene, the way he had to ask you when your last shower was. He misses your fun-filled nights, he really does. Yet here he is stuck. He doesn't want to be too clingy, too pushy, or overprotective, because losing you would be the end of him.

But god, does he know what you're going through, yet you don’t talk about it. You just keep struggling. He watches every day as more simple tasks become difficult and meaningless. Brushing your hair, keeping your room tidy, making the bed, and even just walking away from the sofa.

When it gets really bad, like bad enough that you just won’t get out of bed, when you stop eating unless you really feel the need to. He steps in more than he thought he should. He was waiting, waiting for you to come to him. Yeah, it stung that you didn’t talk about it, but he also understood the pressure of putting something like this on another's shoulders.

He won’t leave till you tell him. Even if it’s “I haven't been feeling upbeat lately.” “I don't know, I'm just sad.” If anything like that comes from your mouth, he’ll nod and try to press for more.

Then he starts taking care of you. His first part is getting you back to three meals a day.

The next deal is fixing the sleep schedule, what he suspects as undiagnosed depression, destroyed.

When you get some normality back, he will, even if you don’t want it, pick you up and drag you around the house until you start doing it yourself.

Don’t worry, take your time, cause Lord does he understand how hard it is some days to get out of bed.

He checks though, that’s the one thing you don’t get a say in. His hands will touch your skin, and he knows how he used to get away with it. Small cuts on the legs or in places nobody would normally look. He looks there just to make sure you aren't doing what he did to himself.

He loves you, he won’t let you forget that because he smothers you with morning kisses, sloppy and affectionate. And at night, he covers your hands and cheeks in tired goodnight pecks.

Every meal, whether it's frozen or ordered, is given to you with affection.

He's patient, he’s willing to wait until you start doing daily chores on your own. Small things like bathing without being asked. He’ll smile when he sees how your eye bags start to get lighter, and your complexion gets closer to being how it was.

One day he hopes whatever put you in such a bad place will come out, and he’ll be the one holding you in his arms and whispering how everything is alright.

Akutagawa-

It takes a while for him to notice. He mostly notices when you stop doing work.

Then he’ll take into account how tired and worn out you are.

He’s not affectionate, and it’s something you knew about him, so seeing him pamper you with questions is always striking.

When you're alone, he can be more touchy and open, but he’s always so cold. Seeing him ask so many questions that you can’t keep up with may not be the best for you, but it shows you he cares.

When he does slow down, he only goes over the most important questions. He asks if you’re feeling well. Ask if you're stressed, or need a break.

Being the way he is, depression isn’t something he auto recognizes, so while he stands there every morning watching you do less and less, he researches it.

When he finds you may be suffering from something that couldn’t be seen on the outside without careful observation, he starts making it very clear how much he loves you.

He doesn't understand it enough to sympathize completely, but he understands you're not happy.

Being the kind of person he is, he automatically thinks it was somebody who did this. He may be right, but he stays silent for your sake.

He’s there for you to rant to. If you ever break down, he’s ready for you. You’ve seen him get worked up once, maybe twice, and you never left him, so he’d be returning the gesture.

He also insists you attend therapy and get diagnosed. He does not care if you don’t want to, because very clearly you need to talk to somebody, and he heard therapy actually helps people cope. He’d rather you not hurt yourself or use… work’s mafia activities to cope

Tag list: (if you wish to be added, shoot me an ask or comment on a post) @jadegreenimmortality

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rawbins-undertale-blog · 3 years ago

Note

This is a slight TW question, so feel no obligation to answer:

How would horrortale Sans react to an S/O with an eating disorder?

TW for eating disorder(s) (nearly only ARFID is spoken about, anorexia is mentioned)

If I missed any tags you think I should've included, please tell me.

This may sound a bit strange, but I’ve actually been wanting to write something for this, specifically because I suffer from an eating disorder. I’m not comfortable writing anything with an eating disorder (or any disorder in general) I personally don’t have, mostly because I don’t have the time to give it the proper research it deserves, so I’ll be writing about a lesser known eating disorder, that being ARFID. Let me explain it so people who don’t know what it is will, uh, know what it is lol

ARFID - also commonly called “Selective Eating Disorder” - stands for Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder. A lot of people with it are characterised as being “picky eaters”, but it goes to a point where it’s seriously unhealthy and crosses a line that makes it into something more serious. It has to do with sensory processing issues, rather than self-image issues (though self-image issues could also play a part in it I'm pretty sure, but it’s not the main “motivation”). Most people with ARFID actually wish they could go up in weight, but can’t because they can’t make themselves eat. I, for one, desperately wish I could just eat like a normal person, both because it’s very… not convenient to only have around 20 or less meals I can eat (and that list is slimming down as I grow tired of my safe foods*) and also I’m skinny enough to match Papyrus in looks, which isn’t very confidence-inspiring when you’re supposed to be a human and not a sentient magical skeleton, believe it or not. Whereas a person without ARFID could eat most things, including things they don’t really enjoy eating, somebody with ARFID might not be physically able to. For example, I literally throw up food that I don’t like (and I’ve gagged while eating food I do like due to seeing somebody eat something I don’t like and/or just smelling other food nearby). When I'm to try a new food, I have on more than one occasion gotten anxiety attacks. That’s how bad it can be.

*a "safe food" is food you know you can eat without panicking/throwing up/getting triggered in one way or another

I’ll be basing these HCs off of myself, so keep that in mind. You’re free to point out misinformation (and I, in fact, encourage you to point it out if I somehow got something wrong) but I ask that you stay respectful and don’t make fun of this. I doubt it would happen, but this topic means a lot to me and is really serious. So yeah please don’t be rude or invalidate people. Anyways onto the headcanons (which aren’t in the usual format, sorry if that bothers you)

Dusk (HT Sans) wouldn’t really understand. He’s able to eat pretty much anything (not like he had much of a choice for a while) and food is important… But he’ll try to understand. Especially because he can accommodate you. He’ll be fine eating the same meals, however “boring” they are, over and over because like I said: not a picky eater. Any food is good in his book. So long as you’re not restricting him and his food intake and so long as you aren’t dying from starvation and/or malnutrition, you’re free to do whatever.

It does annoy him when you go to social gatherings and you can’t eat the food because it’s not one of your safe foods. He’s not going to let you just starve yourself when there’s perfectly fine food just waiting for you. Not gonna lie, he’s pretty insensitive the first time this happens. Basically, he’ll pull you over when he notices you’re not eating anything and try to convince you to eat. Starts out really gentle and encouraging, but when you don’t budge he becomes increasingly agitated and insistent until he hisses that you’re making a fuss over nothing. Needless to say, you aren’t thrilled and it starts a pretty serious argument that probably ends with you either leaving, starting to cry or blowing up at him. He feels bad when it’s all said and done and apologises, because he realises after some thought that he wasn’t being helpful and he decided to do more research again. Even if he forgot it all like he did the first time he tried researching ARFID, it would have been worth a shot. After that, he’ll instead pack food with him for you whenever you go somewhere. It doesn’t matter if it’s “socially acceptable”, because like I said, you’re not starving if he’s got something to do with it.

He’ll also, after coming around to realise the best he can do to help you isn’t trying to push you out of your comfort zone forcefully, try to make sure there’s always at least one of your safe foods available. Don’t get me wrong though, he’ll still encourage you to expand on your list of safe foods. He’s got memory issues so he sometimes forgets, which he feels really bad about, but he has multiple alarms set to make sure you eat properly for the most part. (He’s got an alarm for nearly every minute of the day and he has his calendar full of things as mundane as “make sure s/o eats” and “do laundry”, by the way.) I have a tendency to skip lunch because I simply don’t like food, but he’d put a stop to that lol

To summarize, the whole thing with you having an ED starts off with the two of you having a rocky start before Dusk comes around to be really good at handling it.

Anyways sorry if you meant an ED like anorexia. I know most people write about things like that, but like I said: I’m not really up for writing things that I have to pour hours of research into to make sure I portray it respectfully and accurately because I don’t have that time or patience. (Or attention span, tbh.) Also, I literally hadn’t heard of ARFID for like… the majority of my life, I’ve only known it’s a “thing” for like. A few months. I really thought I was the only one who was so picky with my food and it made me feel alone and isolated (ESPECIALLY after I went to a "specialist" (not sure if she was actually a specialist anymore because her technique to get me to eat was to give my a small glass that I'd pour sauce into to try it every time it was served which obviously didn't work lmao) to help me when I was like six and she said she’d “never seen somebody this bad” before not giving me a diagnosis (as far as I know)), so if anybody with undiagnosed ARFID is reading this:

you're not alone. I know it’s difficult to deal with this - it can be humiliating and embarrassing and horrible and terrible in so many ways - but you can do it. It’s so hard, so fucking hard to step out of your comfort zone and try to expand on your list of safe foods, but you can do it. I believe in you. You aren’t alone and you can learn to have a healthier diet, please just try. I’ll be honest in that you’re probably never going to completely overcome this, ARFID is something that likely stays with you forever, but you can make it into a smaller problem. You can turn it into something so much smaller and inconsequential that you won't encounter any more embarrassing situations where you can't eat what you're given. To a point where you won't have to use the excuses "I already ate", "I'm not hungry", etc anymore. It’ll take time and patience, but you can do it. Don’t give up, okay? <3

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maybedefinitely404 · 4 years ago

Text

Day 10: Dukexiety

@tsshipmonth2020

Day 10: You are born with a birthmark, similar to a tattoo, that is shared by your soulmate.

Content warnings: allusions to past suicidal thoughts, just bad mental health past in general, vague bullying, swimming pools, past isolation, minor injury (broken ribs), general anxiety and self deprecation.

Word count: 3.9k

I was very low on time, and very exhausted from work, so I tried something new! I first discovered the concept of ‘bullet fics’ from @illogicallyinclined ‘s hockey au, GO CHECK IT OUT!!! (It’s living in my head rent free for a couple months now)

Virgil, Patton, Logan, and Roman have been friends for as long as they can remember. The first three met at a neighborhood barbecue when they were just a couple years old, and since they all live on the same block, became each other’s go to play buddies. They all stuck together in their first years of school together, the unbreakable trio, and then they met Roman. Or, Roman was pulled into their clutches and was therefore part of the group now. Patton saw him getting bullied across the playground and ran in to help, and now Roman is ‘eternally in their debt’. But they like him, so his extravagance is okay.

They hung out constantly, all throughout middle and highschool, and they graduated together. It was a big moment for all of them; Patton, who almost got left a grade behind several times (his dyslexia went undiagnosed for several years and he was simply categorized as ‘dumb’), Virgil, who almost didn’t make it due to a mental health crisis, Logan, who was pressured heavily by his parents to move up a grade and had to fight tooth and nail to stay with his friends, and Roman, who’s bullying problems didn’t exactly lessen through the years, and was more than relieved to be leaving that behind.

That summer, they pledge (mostly by Roman’s pleading) to try and do something fun every day. While Logan says this is improbable and Virgil groans at the thought of spending every day socializing, Patton is excited for the idea and “it’s two against two so you have to at least try!”

“That logic doesn’t make sense-” “Shut it, teach, just let us have this.”

So far, they’ve gone to the amusement park just out of town, gone to the park too many times to count, visited their local arcade that they hadn’t even stepped foot into since middle school, and tie-dyed a variety of clothing items in Patton’s backyard. Today, Patton is forcing them all to go to the pool, despite Logan claiming that they’re “feces infested, germ nesting grounds” and Virgil’s argument that “he burns like an unwatched pot of milk, how can you expect this from me”, Patton’s little puppy eyes do them all in.

Unfortunately, just as they’re leaving for the pool, Roman gets a call. At first it’s civil, and then his voice raises, and then he’s hanging up and throwing his phone onto his seat from where he’s standing next to the open car door. Angrily, he tells his friends that his mom got called into work and his dad’s on a business trip, so they need to take his brother with them.

At first, this raises some confusion.

“I was not under the impression that you had a little brother.”

“How old is he? Either way, I say, the more the merrier!”

Virgil is not thrilled at the idea of babysitting, since kids generally don’t like him, but he doesn’t voice his displeasure.

Roman has to admit, with much embarrassment, that it’s actually his twin, who is just so chaotically irresponsible that he has lost Home Alone Privileges. He’s broken the TV, accidentally started fires, and lost their dog one too many times and his parents said no more.

So he drives all the way back to his house, the three friends crammed into the back seat of his two door sedan (because the seats are A Pain to raise and lower and it makes more sense to give said brother the front seat instead of rearranging when they get him), grumbling under his breath about his stupid brother, stupid work, stupid stupid stupid-

Virgil is apt to agree with him, because if being around his three closest friends is enough interaction to mentally exhaust him, adding a new person to the mess is so much worse. He’s generally unexcited to meet this new person… until they pull up to the driveway.

And holy heck.

This man is GORGEOUS.

It takes a second for him to realize it’s Roman’s brother, because despite his first assumption, the two are not identical. They’re very similar, obviously related, for sure, but they are surprisingly easy to tell apart, and it’s not just because of the silver streak in the brother’s hair.

Which he should not find as hot as he does.

After Roman insists said brother does need to go get a bathing suit and no you can not go swimming in your jeans, he jumps into the passenger seat and, with as much energy as Roman has at Full Potential, introduces himself as Remus to the backseat audience.

Patton and Logan both say small hello’s, but Virgil is just stuck.

Dear lord. Princey, why have you been hiding him from me?

When they get to the pool, Virgil makes a complete fool of himself getting out of the car. He trips on his seatbelt, landing directly in Remus’ arms, and looks up to see this devil man grinning at him with all the hubris of a greek god. Before he can say anything, Virgil pushes himself up and rolls his eyes (all while internally screaming) and walks away, joining Patton and Logan where they are just entering the main gate.

He can’t help it; when in proximity of cuteness, his emergency mode is “be a dick”.

But it only gets worse from there.

When Virgil has an umbrella properly set up above a chair so he can save his skin from the sun (“I burn like unwatched milk on a stove. I’m not going in.”) and is comfortably situated with his phone and iced coffee, Remus steps in front of him to take his shirt off.

He’s pretty sure Remus didn’t even mean to. It just… happened to be directly in his line of sight.

As soon as the shirt is above his head, Virgil chokes on his drink, squirting iced coffee out of his nose and going into a coughing fit. Patton rubs his back while Roman tries not to laugh (and fails miserably), all while Remus is just watching him. Confused. (Logan is in the change rooms, because he insists on not wearing his bathing suit unless he is actively about to swim)

There’s more than just the sun issue that prevents Virgil from swimming. While his friend’s soulmarks are relatively small (Roman has a little one on his neck, Logan and Patton have a shared one just above their ankles), Virgil’s is a huge splotch that covers his entire side, reaching from just above his top rib to where his waistband usually lies. It’s all squiggles and lumps; Virgil once compared it to a storm cloud, but the lightning streaks were tentacles. It’s all in all, just… A Mess. And he doesn’t really like it. No one he’s ever met has had a soulmark like that, and he hates standing out.

When Remus takes off his shirt, in all his muscled glory, Virgil can’t miss the matching soulmark that trails down Remus’ side. It’s his, no doubt about it, but… that can’t be right, can it? Remus is so… full of life, dangerous, the epitome of chaotic; he’s everything Virgil is not. More so, he’s terrified of what Remus must think of him. He’s nothing special, he’s just an anxious ball of angst. What if he’s disappointed in who the universe decided to stick him with?

After he’s done choking on iced coffee, and Logan is back from the change room, he realizes Remus is long gone, in the deep end of the pool trying to gather as many foam noodles as he can. They check that Virgil is alright, and when he merely gives them a shaky thumbs up, they take it at face value and dive in. Except Logan, who uses the steps like a mature adult, you children.

He lets the rest of his coffee sit in the sun, until the sun melts all the ice cubes and it’s lukewarm to touch and overall, just gross, because suddenly he has no appetite. Yeah, this guy is gorgeous and he’s hopelessly gay for him, but... soulmate? That’s a lot for anyone to take in, much less someone with forty seven different kinds of anxiety. /j

If Virgil was uneasy taking his shirt off before, he sure as hell isn’t doing it now. No matter how much Patton and Roman plead with him, he stays glued to his chair, eyes flickering from his friends playing Marco Polo to watching his soulmate Remus. He’s turned the pool noodles into a giant raft and is trying to balance on it, like an absolute idiot.

An extremely good looking idiot.

Virgil can’t help but notice that… he’s all alone. Roman, Patton, and Logan barely even throw him the occasional glance, much less invite him to hang out with them in the water. Worse than that, he seems relatively fine with it. It could just be that he doesn’t want to intrude on his brother’s friend group, but Remus doesn’t seem like the kind of guy to have those boundaries. Which kind of insinuates that he’s used to being alone, and Virgil can’t help but empathize.

He notices it a lot, actually. The group meeting Remus also coincides with Roman and Virgil becoming more close; less of a frenemy relationship, and more of an actual friendship. Patton is delighted, because this means the three of them get to hang out at Roman’s huge place more often without their constant bickering (because when it got bad at one of their houses, Virgil’s was never more than a ten minute walk away when Roman finally pushed his last button. Here, they were all stuck.)

And every time they go over, he can’t help but notice the loud music coming from Remus’ room, or the man just sitting on the couch watching TV (which he tends to do shirtless, which does not help Virgil at all), or irritating Roman’s parrot. All in all, doing things alone. It strikes a chord in Virgil’s heart, which is something he’d never admit to another person.

Maybe that’s why, in the following week when Roman has the grand idea to go on a mountain hike, Virgil quietly asks if they could invite Remus. At first, Roman is adamant. “He’ll just ruin things, he doesn’t appreciate nature, he’s annoying!” But Patton claims “The more the merrier” and Logan doesn’t have any particular stance, so he begrudgingly invites Remus.

Who very excitedly accepts.

The trail Roman visited is quite a ways out of town, so they cram back into his tiny car and start the drive. Patton claimed shotgun, so him and Roman have derailed into an animated conversation about cartoons, while Logan just pops in his earbuds and leans his head against the window. For the longest time, Remus and Virgil sit in awkward silence, because neither of them could get a word in edgewise to the front seat conversation even if they tried, and they don’t… really… know what to say… to each other.

It’s Remus who finally breaks the silence (shocker).

“Roman tells more you’re the one who wanted to invite me.”

“Yeah, well, you seemed lonely. And… I mean, you’re Roman’s brother. Can you really be that bad?”

He means it as a joke, but he sees the light in Remus’ eyes die slightly. The tone of his voice doesn’t falter though, remaining as joyful and quirky as always.

“I’m a lot more fun than Roman. People just don’t like to see it that way.”

“Setting your kitchen curtains on fire is fun?”

“If you were there, you’d understand!”

And they keep talking, maybe trailing into borderline flirting, for the whole ride. Virgil is surprised at the lack of tenseness in his shoulders, because though Remus is loud and a little unsettling, he is incredibly patient when Virgil has trouble forming his sentences and doesn’t interrupt him when he’s talking; an incredible help to someone with crippling anxiety. Underneath his exterior, he’s actually… incredibly soft? What?

By the time they pull up to the trail, Remus is actually starting to grow on Virgil. Since Patton and Roman are still so into their debate, and Logan seems content listening to his music (or podcast, but who really knows), they continue talking as the hike starts. The shorter boy can’t help but glance at the other every few seconds, seeing their soulmark just peeking past the edge of his baggy tank top. If Remus notices, he says nothing.

And he learns Remus was bullied a lot through school, just like Roman was, but instead of finding a group that supported him, he broke off as a lone wolf. He came off scary or maybe just a little bit crazy to anyone he tried to befriend, since his social skills were pretty lacking due to disuse and his incredible lack of filter, so he learned early that staying alone hurt less. And in that time, he just became more and more… Like That… because he literally never had peers to mature with.

The hike is a long one. Remus is pretty eager to spill his guts, probably since he was never able to before, so Virgil feels obligated to do the same. He tells Remus about his anxiety, about his mental health issues during school, about his home life and his hobbies, and the fact that there are more people around just fades into the background. It could as well be just them, and Virgil starts to wish it was.

So of course, that’s when everything goes to shit.

A mountain biker comes ripping down the path, too quick to even process, and Virgil is caught off guard. Of course, he’s not walking near the edge of the path, because he has some shred of common sense, but the bike speeding by him causes him to flinch and stumble to the side; an instinctual reaction. Except his instincts decided to not remember until the last second that he’s at the edge of the trail.

It’s almost like happening in slow motion, his foot goes over the edge, and he doesn’t realize what’s about to happen until his other foot is already off the ground, ready to take that next step back, and he’s falling. Luckily (as lucky as one can be in this situation), it’s not a straight drop, just a decently long, steep slope that’s essentially just a bunch of rocks and weeds.

He hears his friends scream his name, sees a hand fly out to catch him, and it just snags the edge of his jacket before he’s freefalling for a split moment. One heart stopping, never ending, eternal and all too short moment of weightlessness where he twists his body, hoping to try and brace himself, and then he meets the slope.

Hard.

His breath leaves him in a wheeze and he distinctly hears a loud snap. Through his pain addled brain, he tries to stop his slide further down by grabbing anything; rocks, roots, dirt. It’s useless.

He stops naturally, on a small ledge several meters from the top before the slope continues. For a moment, he can only lay there, trying to breathe through the intense pain flaring through him pretty much everywhere, not to mention the sheer levels of pure panic numbing his thoughts. He stares at the clouds, watching them as they float by, each breath spreading fire through his torso but at the same time strangely numb.

And then, “VIRGIL!”

His eyes shoot open (wait, when did he close them?) to see Remus’ concerned face above his. If the messied state of his outfit is any indication, this man just slid down the slope to catch up to him. His hands are hovering above Virgil, scared to touch, but more scared that Virgil is going to keep falling.

“Fuck,” is Virgil’s eloquent response. He tries to take a deep breath, tries to do his breathing pattern to calm his nerves, but NOPE. Wrong move.

He immediately gasps and his hands fly to his ribs, another flair of pain shooting up them. Remus’ hands grab his, pulling them away from his torso, holding them securely. “I think you have some broken ribs. That was… one hell of a fall. We need to get you back up to the trail though, okay?”

Virgil can only nod his head, allowing Remus to help him stand, biting his lip so hard to keep from crying out that his lip splits. It hurts.

Trust Logan to come up with ideas on the fly. The biker must have stopped when he realized Virgil had fallen (at least he didn’t just keep driving), because when Virgil opened his tear filled eyes, there was a bike tire just a few feet from his face. He followed the frame of the bike, up to where Roman was holding the other wheel and standing precariously on the slope. Logan is clinging onto his hand, one foot on the slope and one on the actual trail, and if Virgil has to guess, the biker and Patton are just out of sight, keeping Logan steady.

Virgil knows it’s going to hurt before Remus even warns him that it will, watching the taller man get a good grip on the bike wheel, before holding Virgil’s wrist with as much force that can muster without actively cutting off circulation. Virgil holds onto his wrist in return, Remus gives a shout to go ahead, and the human/bike chain they’ve created begins to pull them up.

And oh lord, if Virgil thought just laying down was painful, tripping and stumbling up a steep incline is another world altogether. This time, biting his lip doesn’t work and he lets out a few muffled cries as the team works together, Remus squeezing his wrist every time a choked sound escapes his lips, mind too full of pure agony to even curse.

When they finally step foot onto the trail again, Virgil is in tears, and he is too far gone to even care. The biker is incredibly apologetic, offering his contact information and bidding them adieu when they insist that they’re okay now, and takes off, at an admittedly much slower pace than he was at before.

Logan, the only one of them with proper (and extensive) first aid training, forces Virgil to sit, giving him time to find a position that puts as little pressure on his ribs as possible, before crouching in front of him.

“Let me check if they’re broken.”

His hand reaches out towards Virgil’s shirt and all the alarm bells start BLARING. No. No, no, no, no, no. Before he can restrain himself, he reaches out and slaps Logan’s hand away, sending another wave of pain through him. The pain doesn’t matter though, not in comparison to Logan possibly revealing his soulmark.

Logan doesn’t understand this reaction properly (when does he ever), so he tries again.

“Virgil, I need to check the extent of the damage. A cracked rib means you can still make it back to the car. A broken rib would require emergency services and probable air lifting to prevent further damage, like a punctured lung.”

“Fine,” Virgil hisses through clenched teeth, bitterly understanding his logic, “Just… don’t take the shirt off.”

He tries to say it to only Logan, but it’s clear the other’s heard it by the way they exchange confused glances. Yes, they’ve never seen Virgil without a shirt, except they’d always pegged that up to insecurities. Wouldn’t those take a back seat in a possible medical emergency?

Logan complies, however, and slides his hand under the hem of his shirt without moving the fabric. He runs his hands slowly up each rib, concentrating heavily, until he reaches one midway up and Virgil yelps, instinctively flinching backwards.

Startled by the reaction (it’s his first time actually administering first aid like this, give him a break), Logan jumps back, forgetting his hand is still under Virgil’s shirt.

His hand moves up.

Virgil moves back.

And the hem of his shirt rises up his chest for just a moment.

A moment’s all that’s needed, though. When you notice something that you’ve seen yourself a hundred times over, admiring this way and that in the mirror to commit it to memory, it only takes a glance to recognize it.

Remus only needed that split second of the shirt riding up to notice the lower half of the soulmark, and he definitely did notice it, if the way his jaw drops is anything to go off of. Virgil winces again, not from pain this time, and looks down at his shoes, abhorring the awkward silence that ensues.

The other three don’t understand, watching the two of them with varying levels of confusion, until Remus blurts:

“Are you my soulmate?”

And everything clicks into place. Virgil nods mutely, still not looking up, afraid of his reaction. Would he be upset Virgil kept it a secret? Would he be disappointed? Would he would he would he-

“Oh thank GOD!”

That’s… not the reaction he was expecting. He looks up to see Remus grinning like a child on their birthday, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

“I mean, if I’d want anyone to be my soulmate, it would be you! You don’t hate me, which a lot of people do, and you actually listen to me, which is nice, and not to mention you’re super hot, like the whole emo thing is just-”

“Remus!” Roman screeches, cutting him off, “You’re embarrassing him, let him breathe!”

It’s the first time Roman has ever come to Virgil’s defense, and he’s only vaguely happy about that. Truth is, he’s so much more wrapped up in the fact that Remus is actually happy that he doesn’t even notice Logan’s back to touching his ribs until another sharp pain brings him back.

“They’re definitely not broken. Fractured, at worst. Either way, you’re going to the hospital. Only question is, can you get down to the car?”

Virgil wants to nod, wants to go along with no problem, but he can barely take a step before his knees almost give out. If he could double over without making everything worse, he would.

Remus doesn’t see this as a problem, though, eagerly offering Virgil to ride on his back until they get to the bottom. The shorter is, obviously, reluctant to this plan, seeing as how it’s a decently long trail and he isn’t that light, but damn, his soulmate insists, and next thing he knows, he’s gingerly holding onto Remus’ shoulders as he pushes back into a standing position.

(If he wasn’t already super hot, he’s strong, too? Virgil has struck the literal jackpot.)

He buries his face into the crook of Remus’ neck, trying not to wince at every jolt and bump as they maneuver their way down the hill, all conversation halted so they can focus on the two of them. Roman walks in front of them and Patton and Logan behind, ready to jump into action at any sign of stumbling.

But it’s okay, it actually is, Virgil realizes as they’re making their way down the hill. Sure, they only really bonded today, but they also bonded in a day, and if that’s not telling of the future they’ll have together, whether romantic or platonic (they still need to talk that out), it’s gonna be okay.

Anyone who’s willing to throw themselves into harm's way and carry you down a mountain has got to be a worthy soulmate.

#lywrites #tsshipmonth2020 #dukexiety #remus sanders #virgil sanders #roman sanders #patton sanders #logan sanders #ts soulmate au #sanders sides #sanderssides #sanders sides fanfiction

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cuttlefishkitch · 4 years ago

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hello! i haven't talked to you before, but ron said that i could ask you for some advice on writing eds? (i'd like to know things to avoid/common things that could come up in everyday life that would be good to mention/the sort of aids and stuff they'd have maybe?/anything else you think is relevant)

Hi! Sorry this took so long, a combination of ADHD and chronic pain slowed me way the fuck down. Thank you for being patient!

EDIT: WEIRD HEEL THINGS I FORGOT!!

So, before I get into this I should probably say I technically haven’t been diagnosed with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (EDS for anyone reading) because it’s one of those syndromes that takes forever to get diagnosed with (it took a friend of mine’s mother over 30 years to get dxed). Many doctors, and everyone I know who does have EDS agree with me that it’s probably what causes my chronic joint pain and some of my other chronic issues. But just because three separate doctors have said “Yeah Probably” doesn’t mean I’m diagnosed!! Only a geneticist can do that!! And they had two-three year waitlists BEFORE the apocalypse happened.

I am diagnosed with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS), Small Fiber Neuropathy, and potentially misdiagnosed with Fibromyalgia (once I get properly tested for EDS I might get undiagnosed with this because I don’t have most of the main symptoms of Fibro, but I got diagnosed with it anyway because it’s what doctors misDX you with when they don’t know what’s wrong with you and don’t want to do more tests).

All that said, I’ve done a lot of research about EDS (mainly because it’s the only thing that explains all my symptoms since doctors seem incapable of doing so), and know a few people who have either confirmed or suspected EDS, so I’ll link to some stuff, talk about the symptoms that often come with EDS, explain how the symptoms I have affect me, because just because someone’s not diagnosed doesn’t mean they aren’t having symptoms, and probs elaborate a bit about writing physical disabilities and chronic pain in general because it’s super important to me!

So RESOURCES aka how to make sure your post never sees the light of day because you’re linking things and tumblr hates it when people give other people information!!

Youtubers! If you want to know about the day to day of living with EDS or any disability or chronic illness I super suggest finding a youtuber that makes videos about their life. My EDS favorites are

Jessica Kellgren-Fozard

Annie Elainey

Amy Lee Fisher

Websites! If you’re asking random folks on tumblr I’m assuming (and hoping) you’ve already done the basic WebMD google searches and looked over the seemingly ridiculous lists of symptoms and related conditions, so here are a few websites that are made more for people than for doctors.

The Ehlers Danlos Society

OhTWIST (That’s Why I’m So Tired)

ChronicPainPartners (the fact that they have an entire section of articles called “Dealing with Doctors” should really tell you something)

Books! If you feel like doing actual reading! I suggest reading books written by people with Ehlers Danlos, to get a feel for how they portray themselves. I’m not saying steal, but it’s probably a good point of comparison to see how your portrayal feels. (haven’t actually read these b/c my ADHD doesn’t let me read)

Ria Ruse by Morgan S. Ray (a superhero book with a disabled super MC!!)

Mysteries of Maybelle by Imani Benfell (Imani is still in high school and has already written and self-published a book cause she didn’t have enough representation for herself how cool is she!!)

Bodies in Motion by Liana Brooks (tw for pregnancy problems and miscarriages in the link, because it’s a blog post talking about integrating EDS symptoms into the story without explicitly naming them as such)

OKAY, now for some rambling about EDS SYMPTOMS!!!

Ehlers Danlos is one monster of a genetic condition in complexity and variety. There are THIRTEEN different identified types of EDS, it often comes with Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS) and/or POTS, and can lead to various other conditions like gastroparesis, chiari malformation, craniocervical instability, and/or bad teeth. So if you’re going to be writing a character with EDS consider what other comorbid conditions they might also have. I’m mainly going to be talking about Hypermobile EDS (hEDS) because it’s what I probably have and what I’m most familiar with. That said there is a lot of overlap in symptoms with the other varieties.

I started typing this section and realized I was going to have to break it down even more so we’re going to talk about Chronic Pain, Unstable Joints (Dislocations and Subluxations), Skin Things, Mobility Issues, and Other Weird Shit and how those things get addressed separately.

Gonna get the Other Weird Shit out of the way first. Because EDS is a malfunction of connective tissue it can fuck up all sorts of random things. For instance, I and many other people w/ hEDS have trouble swallowing. Shit gets stuck in my throat, I sometimes choke on and have to cough up food, and pills can be hard to swallow, which sucks cause I take A Lot Of Pills. If it doesn’t cause full-on gastroparesis it can cause IBS or other digestive problems b/c the digestive tract is mostly made of connective tissue. It can potentially cause heart problems even if they aren’t as big of a risk as in some other forms of EDS. Premature osteoarthritis is common because what you need is more joint pain. And Fatigue OH BOY THE FATIGUE. And of course the headaches, can’t forget those pesky migraines can we!

AND piezogenic papules!! I completely forgot!! Piezogenic papules are little white bumps that appear when you put weight on your heel. In some people they hurt, but in others they don’t. They’re technically tiny little herniations of fat peaking through the fascia in the heel. They were added as part of the diagnostic criteria for hEDS in 2017!

Now for Skin Things cause it’s not as big a thing in hEDS as it is in other forms. Basically, in a lot of forms of EDS, the skin is extra stretchy and extra delicate. It bruises and tears easily, people with the extreme versions of this can accidentally scratch something into an open wound if they aren’t careful. My skin is pretty soft and sensitive, I def have the typical velvety skin, and as is pretty par for the course of someone with hEDS my skin is a little stretchy, and sorta delicate. I’m not as tissue-papery as some people get, but I almost always have at least one mystery bruise or scrape b/c existing is hazardous. Most of scars are also pretty normal, unlike the extremely papery and atrophic scars (though I have a few tiny acne scars that are atrophic) that are common with other kinds of hEDS. Something that I DO have is Lots of Stretch Marks, all over my thighs, and even down to my calves. Which wouldn’t be abnormal, except for the fact that I’ve never been over 145 lbs and I’ve never been pregnant. Having a lot of stretch marks or striations in the skin without due cause happens because the structure of the skin isn’t as strong as it is in people with a normal amount of connective tissue.

I don’t have to worry as much about my skin but people that do are usually very careful with adhesives because they can irritate or tear the skin, which sucks when you need a lot of bandaids cause your darn skin won’t do its job.

Now on to the meatier stuff and since I’m mostly working backward let’s do Mobility Issues!! These can happen in loads of ways, but a lot of what causes these in people with EDS are the other two things I wanna talk about. Unstable joints lead to increased risk of injury when doing stuff people with fully functioning joints can do.

For context, I’m an ambulatory wheelchair user, meaning I can walk, but a lot of the time it’s better if use a chair. Mine is mostly for my POTS symptoms, but the fact that my legs aren’t also in absolute agony is a big plus. I use a custom manual wheelchair with a SmartDrive (b/c I’m very fucking fortunate and have good insurance) whenever I leave the house and have to be “walking” for more than a few minutes at a time. I can’t fully self-propel in a manual chair because it would be damaging to the joints in my arms and hands, but the smaller chair is easier to maneuver in less than accessible spaces (like almost everywhere). There was about a month-long span where I used a very cheap and very bulky electric chair while I was waiting on the ideal set up I have now. Before that, I also briefly used, and sometimes still use, an up-right posture cane.

People with EDS have widely varying mobility issues because of how uniquely it can manifest. My cane only gave me a little help with balance because if I used it in any prolonged capacity any pain it took away from my legs was relocated to my arms, and as an artist, my arms are more important to me!

If you’re going to write a character with EDS having mobility issues as a result of their EDS the best thing to do is to narrow down their specific needs. Are their knees complete and utter garbage but their shoulders and wrists strong? Maybe they can get away with using a cane. Can they not stand for longer than 5 minutes because of the vertigo from their POTS? Maybe they need a manual wheelchair. Would propelling themself damage their back and arm joints? An electric chair might be necessary! Plenty of people with EDS use all sorts of combinations of these aides to get around their life, consider how your character’s good and bad days would be. Do they have back up plans if they overestimate themselves? There can be a lot to manage, but don’t let it scare you off! Sometimes I try and make it into a resource management game (because I’m a game designer and that’s what I do), to make evaluating my energy and mobility needs more fun!

But now let's tackle some of the reasons those mobility aides might be needed. Unstable Joints.

Ever stepped wrong and rolled your ankle? It hurts for a few steps and then kinda fixes itself, or maybe it bothers you for the rest of the day and you put it up and ice it when you get home? When I was walking around outside my house that would happen AT LEAST once a month, usually more. Some times I’m sitting wrong and when I get up my knee isn’t a knee anymore and decides to just give out from under me. My knuckles are made of unruly popcorn and they Don’t Want To Stay Home!! Oh! And my shoulder is more often out a little out of its socket than it is fully in.

Unstable joints lead to Dislocations and Subluxations of varying intensity, and some people get them more frequently than others. Some can be severe enough to necessitate hospital visits and even surgery, some subluxations are so banal (like my fUCKING SHOULDER) that you just learn to live with the pain.

If a character is going to be in high action, combat-heavy scenarios, chances are they’re going to be popping out joints left and right. Hell, depending on the severity of their joint laxity they could be doing the same sitting at a desk. Again, it’s incredibly varied. I’d suggest setting some sort of baseline for yourself, of what a character’s joints can and can’t stand up to, and maybe do some research on which joints are most likely to pop out in general (hips and shoulders are big culprits being the wacky ball and socket motherfuckers they are). Then maybe have something pop out or hold up every so often when it shouldn’t cause hey! EDS is kinda just like that! Unpredictable!

Some ways people manage joint laxity is with braces, KT tape, and physical therapy. Braces come in many different forms, since I’m currently getting pretty much no treatment for my shitty joints I use mostly compression braces made for sporty people. It really is amazing how much a bit of tight fabric can do to keep my wrist in place.

More specialized braces often have solid parts to prevent the joints from hyper-extending (bending the wrong way) and causing further damage. If you ever see someone with what looks like diamond shaped rings around a bunch of their finger joints, chances are those are Ring Splints, and are there to keep the finger shaped like a finger. I want to get my hands on some and get some on my hands Very Badly, because my fingers hyper-extend SO MUCH when I type, and it makes my hand pain way way worse.

KT tape is another thing people often use. It’s stretchy tape you put on your skin and it basically functions kinda like a second ligament as well as reinforcing the joint and keeping the bones mostly where they’re supposed to be. The problem with this is a lot of people with EDS have very sensitive and fragile skin like I mentioned before, so KT tape can cause allergic reactions, chronic skin irritation, or just straight up take the skin with it when someone goes to remove it. Hence a lot of folks are really careful with it.

Physical Therapy is kinda the best (and only) treatment for joint laxity aside from Very Invasive and sometimes Highly Experimental surgery. It focuses on strengthening the muscles around the joints so they can do the work all those bone ropes made of body glue can’t. The problem is finding a physical therapist that 1) knows what EDS even is, 2) knows you have it, and 3) knows how to treat it without doing stuff that’ll Phucking Hurt You Worse!! Because exercising wrong with EDS can do Permanent Damage!!!

Again most folks use a combination of all of these things, or have next to no access to them b/c healthcare sucks.

Anyway, on to one of my favorite topics, Chronic Pain!! One of the reasons this post took me so long!!!

Chances are if your character has chronic pain as a result of their EDS there are gonna be some things they hate, including stairs, rain, thunderstorms, stairs, hills, uneven terrain, oh and did I mention stairs??? It’s going to vary person to person, but almost everyone I’ve met with pain from EDS has complained about their knees. For me the most debilitating pain is in my fingers and wrists. They’re by far my least stable joints but I use them constantly for stuff like drawing, typing, and sewing.

Because my joint pain is so wide spread, like most people’s with hEDS, it effects every single part of my day to day life. I can’t carry a heavy ceramic plate, open a bottle, or even use my computer without pain. It’s practically impossible for me to get comfortable in any position be it sitting or laying down, and as you can imagine that makes it hard to sleep a lot of the time. Moving too much hurts, but so does sitting still. I’m constantly taking braces on and off or cracking/stretching my joints so they pop back into place and hurt less.

Also being in pain makes everything else That Much Worse. I get tired way faster than I did before my pain was this bad (I had chronic pain for a while before actually realizing it wasn’t normal to not be able to walk down the block without feeling like your foot bones are trying to escape). My sensory issues and anxiety disorder are more easily aggravated because my base level of comfort is way worse. It fucks with my depression. And OH BOY does it make my ADHD worse because being in pain is fucking distracting as hell and makes it harder to make decisions and switch tasks. Also my ADHD often makes my other symptoms worse cause I forget to take my meds, don’t drink enough water, or can’t find my fucking braces because the item eating black-hole that comes with ADHD stole them. The intersection of mental and physical disabilities is probably a rant for another time though, so back to chronic pain.

Does it suck? Yes, undoubtedly. Is this incredibly debilitating? Of course it is, I spent the last several months unable to feed myself without assistance because there was a staircase between my room and the kitchen and I could only manage to climb it once a day. Is it overwhelming? Definitely, I’ve frequently broken down crying from a combination of pain and frustration because I’m having a bad day and there’s no relief to be found. Am I able to predict when it’s going to rain with uncanny accuracy because any change in barometric pressure makes me feel like every bone in my body is trying to kill it’s neighbors? You bet your fucking ass I am!! Does it sometimes make me irritable, angry, and occasionally dismissive of when abled people get cold or a temporary injury because the stuff they’re complaining about is my life every single day and all avenues of treatment and recovery I have could take years and still not entirely solve my issues? Yeah, and while I deserve a little extra patience I also have to be sure to check myself because I don’t want to turn into someone who’s nasty to be around. Do I sometimes need to sleep for 17 hours straight because it’s raining, I have migraine, and I’m in too much pain to be conscious? Yup, sometimes a few days in a row. Does living in constant pain mean I’m unable to do all the things I want to and does that sometimes make me wanna curl up in bed and never leave? Yeah, it happens.

But! And here’s the big important but, that’s not everything! I still write, draw, and talk to my friends!! It might take me a little longer but I get there. I’m still happy and excitable and make the time to write out five page long posts about EDS because it’s something I’m passionate about! My chronic pain doesn’t stop me. I refuse to let it. I never really wanted to go mountain climbing anyway, so I’m perfectly happy being able to make it up and down the six steps in my house, even if sometimes I have to sit and bump down them on my ass, or crawl up them like a cat. Chronic pain isn’t all I am. It isn’t a fate worse than death. It isn’t the only thing your character should talk about (though I do talk about my pain a lot cause I’m a complainer about almost everything). You can have your character be hindered by their pain, realistically they would be. You can have them seek comfort, support, and relief. Other characters can commiserate and be sympathetic, but it doesn’t mean their whole life is going to be one big pity party, that would be incredibly fucking boring. I know I’d be bored out of my mind.

All that said dealing with chronic pain, especially from EDS, is Complicated. Physical Therapy is the gold standard, but like I said before it can be a long and difficult process, and isn’t always accessible. Stabilization methods like I talked about before can help prevent pain, or reduce it by keeping bones mostly where they belong. Heat and cold help joints, relax muscles, and reduce inflammation but keeping them applied is rough and the relief doesn’t always last. Doctors prescribe anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, and sometimes even anti-epileptic medication to help manage pain, but everyone’s mileage with those varies. And I’m not at all qualified to talk in-depth about narcotics or other heavy duty pain-meds, but suffice to say the war on drugs fucked shit up for people that legit need that kind of help BIG TIME.

Now for my closer/bonus rant about EDS and Disability Writing in General!

Everyone always says write what you know, so if you really want to do disabled people justice, get to know disabled people! Make friends with disabled people, get involved with advocacy groups, consume content made by disabled creators both about disability and not! Disabilities are so fucking diverse, even EDS is such a complex disorder, and comes with so many potential co-morbidities, that practically everyone with it has a unique experience. There’s no way I can fully explain everything in a tumblr post. Hell, even if I could talk to you for hours probably couldn’t give you enough info to answer all your questions (especially since I’m still in diagnosis hell :,) ), so talk to a wide range of people with EDS and other disabilities!! I know it sounds like a lot of work but trust me, disabled people are some of the strongest, raddest, coolest, people you will ever meet that it won’t feel like it.

And don’t be afraid either, the fact that EDS and other disabilities are so wildly varied means that you have a little bit of wiggle room with your character’s experience. There’s so little disability rep out their I think people are WAY to scared to try their hand at writing it. So long as your character is a fully developed person in addition to being disabled, you give some logical thought as to how it would affect their life, and you don’t make their disability the butt of any joke it isn’t difficult to avoid ableist writing. PLEASE WRITE MORE DISABLED PEOPLE AND PEOPLE WITH CHRONIC PAIN/CHRONIC ILLNESS!!

Okay that’s it, again sorry it took so long for me to get back to you! My fingers were being little pests about it, and my ADHD (which is honestly more disabling than everything else a lot of the time lmao) was being an asshole! Hope this helps, and feel free to ask me more questions if you need clarification! It might take me a bit but I do love talking about this stuff.

#neela-chaan #ehlers danlos syndrome #EDS #hEDS #hypermobile ehlers danlos #disability #writing advice #disability writing #Chronic Pain #asks #SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG IM JUST SLOW #also i'm sorry the formatting is such a wreck #my adhd won't let me go back and fix it #and i've already spent way too much time

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twisted-leader-of-something · 4 years ago

Text

Ramshackle’s Polarity - My RSA OCs

So, I must say, some things are [N/A] in this Profile because of a reason I willl state. Sorry for any inconvenience!

Elias Winterbottom

Full Name: Elias Faye Rosetta-Winterbottom

Nickname(s): Eli (by many people at RSA)

Twisted from: Eleanor Fay Bloomingbottom [From Godmothered]

Gender: Male

Species: Brounie, a type of Fae

Age: Not Officially Stated due to no one asking, but according to Lilia, he is defiantly younger than Malleus

Birthday: February 2nd

Star Sign: Aquarius

Height: 5′5 or 165.1 cm

Eye Color: Hazel Green

Hair Color: Golden Blonde

Homeland: Plains of Flowerage

Family: Great-grandaunt, Grandfather, Grandmother, Father and Mother, Step Brother [Bruatar/Bindumat Nelson] and Sister In-Law [Alette Nelson], and Twins Nefillings and a Nephew (Status Unknown)

Dorm: [ N/A - Not Enough Information about Royal Sword Academy ]

School Year: Second Year

Class: [ N/A - Not Enough Information about Royal Sword Academy ]

Occupation: Fairy Godparent/Student

Club: [ N/A - Not Enough Information about Royal Sword Academy ]

Best Subject: Home Economics

Dominant Hand: Right

Favorite Food: Anything with Watermelon or Watermelon Flavor and Seafood

Least Favorite Food: Anything with Pumpkin or Pumpkin Flavor

Likes: Being Kind to Other People and Set Ways to Do Things

Dislikes: Violence, Mean People and Some Forms of Technology

Hobby: Making Crafts

Sexuality: Aromantic

Unique Magic: ‘Let’s Make Magic Happen!’ - For as long as Elias wishes it, Elias can induce any amount of confidence that he wishes in any animate object he chooses when he simply says the person’s name and “I need you to believe in yourself!”

Talent: Making Others Smile or Uncomfortable

Personality: Elias is often described as a ray of sunshine who often doesn’t understand personal limitations or modern things and is often described as old fashioned by most who meets him, due to his kindness that often get really out of hand and will get him into trouble. Elias also is described as overbearing at times due to his kind nature, and he acts really childish despite being a Fae and older than most people he meets. But, most people that know him agrees that Elias also is super positive to where even in the bleakest of times he still smiles and is sees the positives in life, which is even to a fault. And he also has motherly qualities that are often only come out with very young children. But, despite being a good person, Elias has shown he still has his Fae qualities, like his pettiness. But around Kinsey he is often like a child, trying to please him not matter what it is, no matter the task.

Background: Born and raised in Plains of Flowerage with most of his family nearby him, Elias grew up most of his life surrounded by lots of love and support from a family that for the most part sheltered him from the world due to his sibling, later named Bruatar, that his mother stole when Elias was little for Elias to have a sibling since Elias asked for one that was illegally changed into a Fae and had to be kept from the world in order for the family to not get into trouble with the Fae authorities. Elias had a sheltered, but decent childhood considering the time he was born, that is until his family encountered trouble when Bruatar ran away from home after discovering the truth of where he came from and ran off to find his real family. Which, he later did and for a long time cut off contact with his family and then after years and years of non-contact contacted Elias and had him come into the human world and meeting his family, which Elias was more than happy to have despite being half-Fae half-Changeling and his family not really liking him which he later on discovers from overhearing a conversation and then hasn’t spoken to since. Elias then became inspired to work with all kinds of children, especially human children since he had not interacted with them and went to a school called “The School of Godparenting” to become a Godparent, a type of Fae that watches over a human for most of their lives which Elias found was about to be shut down, but determined to work with human children searched for a child to become a Godfather of, and found Kinsey Wallace and turned the live of Kinsey and his family around and saved the School of Godparenting and then taught there for a while until Kinsey and Paisha managed to get into Royal Sword Academy despite their severe lack of magic to which Elias agreed to give them magic in exchange for spending time at RSA, since he had heard about it being a fancy school and wanted to see what it was like.

Kinsey Wallace

Full Name: Kinsey Wallace

Nickname(s): Kin (By Elias and serval others at RSA)

Twisted from: Mackenzie Walsh [From Godmothered]

Gender: Male

Spices: Human

Age: 17

Birthday: June 27th

Star Sign: Cancer

Height: 5′6′14 or 167.99 cm

Eye Color: Hazel Green

Hair Color: Copper Red

Homeland: Land of Pyroxene

Family: Mother (Status Unknown), Younger Brother, Girlfriend [Joanna Bells] (Deceased), Two Adoptive Sons [Joan and Miri Bells-Wallace]

Dorm: [ N/A - Not Enough Information about Royal Sword Academy ]

School Year: Second Year

Class: [ N/A - Not Enough Information about Royal Sword Academy ]

Occupation: Dorm Leader/Part-time Journalist

Club: [ N/A - Not Enough Information about Royal Sword Academy ]

Best Subject: Writing

Dominant Hand: Right

Favorite Food: Donuts

Least Favorite Food: Takeout Foods, mainly Pizza

Likes: Things Clean and Orderly, Things Going His Way.

Dislikes: Parties and Lots of Work to do.

Hobby: Writing

Sexuality: Straight

Unique Magic: [N/A - Kinsey isn’t a Natural Magician, he’s actually an Deal-Bound Magician, so therefore he cannot gain a Unique Magic unless it is given to him by Elias, which is currently banned]

Talent: Either Getting Lots of Work Done or Making A Situation Worse

Personality: According to Paisha, Kinsey was once described as a toxic person to be around due to what stress he was under in a news station job he hated during his junior high school years that affected his life until Elias stepped into his life and became his fairy godfather and made him a better person, but Kinsey still has a pessimistic mindset that will show itself when Kinsey is under enough stress. But for the most part, Kinsey is a mostly optimistic person who despite responsibilities given to him always is smiling and trying to be positive while being realistic at the same time. He is often seen with Elias floating somewhere nearby him with a sigh and a tired expression despite how much respect he has towards Elias from how he speaks.

Background: Born into a stressed household of a single mother within the Land of Pyroxene, Kinsey grew up for the most part decently okay with pessimistic views of the mother due to his mother’s lack of optimism despite his father’s trying to help the situation until his younger brother Paisha was born, to which Kinsey’s father got a divorce soon after due to Kinsey’s mother’s increasing pessimism which was believed to be undiagnosed postnatal depression and unfortunately did not get much custody over the two boys. So, Kinsey spent most of his young life either taking care of his younger brother Paisha or rebelling against his mother by going to lots of parties with shady people which Kinsey said was retaliation for his mother for ‘ruining his life’, which have led many, many mistakes that Kinsey admits he regrets and had enforced Kinsey into becoming a mostly pessimistic and bitter person because of a situation beyond his control with hints of kindness here and there until Kinsey met Joanna, a woman that really changed Kinsey’s point of view due to her optimistic and kind but realistic attitude which Kinsey wanted in himself. Over time, Joanna really changed Kinsey’s point of view on life and taught him many things, and eventually the two started dating and fell madly in love. Which ended after years of fun times, that Kinsey still has good memories of to this day, when Joanna got into a huge car accident that was believed to be caused by gang activity in the area. Which first Kinsey into miserable and often angry person enough to Kinsey back into his old habits until he met Joan and Miri, which where Joanna’s children which Kinsey then promised he’s take care of, because his guilt of the loss of their mother ate at him until he adopted them, which subsequently got him kicked out of his mother’s house because of his mother claiming he got someone pregnant and for a while lived in a long-stay hotel with Joan and Miri and had a job at a news station that quickly made him stressed out due to a terrible boss, lots of work and the stress of wanting to do more with his life with Paisha helping raise the children. It was then Elias stepped into his life, and changed his life by trying to help him out with his life, which worked for Kinsey as well as Paisha, Joan and Miri and fixed the problems the family had and continued to be a presence in the family’s life. Then, Kinsey received a letter to attend Royal Sword Academy due to Kinsey’s hard work during his school years after Elias got his life together, which at first Kinsey wasn’t sure about until he finally met his father again, who was more than alright with contacting him and taking care of Paisha, Joan, and Miri while Kinsey was at RSA. But, Kinsey had another huge problem: He didn’t have enough magic to get into Royal Sword Academy despite being invited, which you’d think is impossible, but it happened. So, Kinsey made a deal for magic with Elias, that as long as Kinsey attended RSA, he’d have magic as long as Elias could attend as well. Later on, Pasha was invited, and Kinsey expanded upon the deal he had with Elias.

Paisha Wallace

Full Name: Paisha Wallace

Nickname(s): Shasa (by Elias and serval others at RSA)

Twisted from: Paula Walsh [From Godmothered]

Gender: Male

Species: Human

Age: 16

Birthday: August 1st

Star Sign: Leo

Height: 5′4′4 or 163.57

Eye Color: Hazel Blue

Hair Color: Light Blonde

Homeland: Land of Pyroxene

Family: Mother (Status Unknown), Father, Older Brother, and Two Nephews

Dorm: [ N/A - Not Enough Information about Royal Sword Academy ]

School Year: First Year

Class: [ N/A - Not Enough Information about Royal Sword Academy ]

Occupation: Vice Dorm Leader/Student

Club: [ N/A - Not Enough Information about Royal Sword Academy ]

Best Subject: Modern Application of Magic

Dominant Hand: Right

Favorite Food: Bagels

Least Favorite Food: Scarps/Wasted Food

Likes: Driving Motor Vehicles, His Father, Brother, and Nephews

Dislikes: Untangling Things, His Mother

Hobby: Being with Domesticated Animals

Sexuality: Pansexual

Unique Magic: [N/A - Like Kinsey, Paisha is not a Natural Magician but a Deal-Bound Magician, so unless Elias gives him a Unique Magic, which is currently banned, he cannot get one]

Talent: Spilling the Tea on a Situation

Personality: Paisha is often the definition of “I legitimately don’t know what’s happening but let’s roll with it” to those around him, despite being a decently intelligent and good person with a good sense of humor or knack for spilling the tea in a situation.

Background: Born into the house of a family in shambles within the land of Pyroxene, Paisha grew up most of his life in a household that wasn’t the best for him, that even he recognized even at a young age. But, despite his mother who wasn’t the most encouraging or greatest to be around, he did learn to be a decent person and to be better than his circumstances thanks to a lot of his friends he had, especially one older mutual friend he knew for a short time he that said he moves a lot. He often was the middle ground between his mother and rebellious brother when the two fought, and often got in trouble on Kinsey’s behalf. Which, didn’t make him bitter towards his brother, it actually made him really depressed, which thankfully didn’t turn into something out of control since his friend caught it early on but he still does have issues with his esteem and how he views himself. For the most part of his life, Paisha was doing alright in life until Kinsey met Joanna, and then Paisha admits his life got better knowing his brother was happier until his brother’s girlfriend died, and Kinsey fell into a deep depression and adopted two sons, Joan and Miri, which then Paisha agreed to take care of happily since he figures it might help his brother out, but in reality it made the family problem worse. That is, until Elias stepped in and changed his life, to which Paisha then decided to keep a positive influence in Kinsey’s life instead of watching from the sidelines and did his best to keep Elias in the family when Elias tried to leave. Later on, Kinsey was invited to Royal Sword Academy and was worried about how the family would live, which Paisha was able to help with when he asked Joan, the closest to Elias, to help out with their situation, which worked out.

#[ character content ]#twisted wonderland oc #twst oc

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olivia-calidamn · 4 years ago

Text

i was tagged by @gellavonhamster!! thank you Natalia!!! 🖤✨🖤✨🖤✨

1. what do you prefer to be called name-wise?

Gray mostly. or Mistress Of Darkness it’s nbd really

2. when is your birthday?

i’m a Cancer! late July

3. where do you live?

Australia! on the east coast of Queensland (hot. not ideal)

4. three things you are doing right now?

listening to Kylie Minogue and Bucks Fizz, thinking about both Olivia, Jacquelyn and Esmé (girlfriends!!!) and my dotters, idk i want to design smthn but its like. 21:00? too late for that

5. four fandoms that have piqued your interest?

- definitely ASOUE, particularly the SBG’s members - i mean not so much fandoms but i’ve watched multiple shows with Sara Rue (Less Than Perfect, Impastor, B Positive when i can find it somewhere) and Lucy Punch (Vexed, Motherland) and Catherine O’Hara (Schitt’s Creek) but i don’t really like. do much fandom-wise for them? - follow my main for What We Do In The Shadows post reblogs - i started watching Animaniacs 2020 this weekend and that’s fun

6. how has the pandemic been treating you?

i’ve had it very lucky. Queensland has 14 cases i’m hoping are all in hotel quarantine, and our borders are still shut to most of the other states. i haven’t been in a government mandated lockdown as such, it’s hard to lock down rural Queensland where i live. i’ve been working inside my workplace the whole time; apparently if we did go full batten down the hatches my workplace is essential (??). i will admit i’ve done a tiny bit of socialising since March, just with family friends who haven’t left my county (farming families who have been in the middle of the crushing season). it’s sucked watching other people my age party while i’ve been at home almost every weekend. but i’d rather be fine than riskin it for the biscuit

7. a song you can't stop listening to right now?

i mean spotify says these

8. recommend a movie

i’m not good at recs lol!! but Gypsy 83 is great. younger Sara Rue plays a Stevie Nicks-adoring 20-something goth who with her only goth friend Clive takes a road trip to NYC to partake in the 2001 Night Of A Thousand Stevies. bangin soundtrack, amazing goth and rural America vibes, Gypsy is my basis and faceclaim for Book!Olivia. heads up for some 2001-era homophobia and fatphobia content, though.

Sara is just.... so pretty

9. how old are you?

you’re onto me 🦇 (i’m over 18. 20′s. maybe 1920′s. can’t remember)

10. school, university, occupation, other?

apprentice 👁

11. do you prefer heat or cold?

i honestly do not know. weather i can wear my black spray jacket in is good. for most of winter this year i was walkin around town in a t-shirt, denim shorts, my black spray jacket and my fake docs which was enough to keep me warm

12. name one fact others may not know about you

i have painted on bones before and i want to do it again

bonus i don’t rly consider myself goth? if i do like, have a term it’s more 80′s new wave. i am always, always wearing black (my work uniform is black!!!) and i adore many aspects of goth and witchcraft but i’m not very good at like. practicing if that makes sense. i don’t think wearing black and idk painting on bones one time, reading web pages on historic deaths and disasters and cemetery records, and listening to The Cure, The Smiths, Joy Division, really like. makes me goth. new wave fits my t-shirt/shorts/fake docs fit i wear since it’s fuckin hot here, the Duran Duran, Split Enz, The Dugites etc in my music taste (the Bucks Fizz is just my brain’s gay chemicals). and the fact that the one time i went to a cemetery out of my county to see if nosy people who know my parents was keeping me out of my local ones, i found it’s the fact that i’m even shy around the dead. like. i’m more new wave. freak also works i’ll gladly take that title from Hugo, Colette and Kevin the Farm Siblings if they don’t want it.

13. are you shy?

i mean i did just say i’m shy around the dead. kinda explains how i see the living lmao

14. preferred pronouns

she/her

15. biggest pet peeves

living in a small county when i’m a) a lesbian b) potentially neurodivergent (undiagnosed). i can’t think of any other pet peeves now but i’ll remember when they unfold right in front of me

16. what is your favorite "-dere" type?

dude i had to google that. i myself am like. bakadere and dandere lmao

17. rate your life from 1 to 10, 1 being crappy and 10 being the best it could be

7? maybe? i don’t know really

18. what's your main blog?

@gray-zelle

19. list your side blogs and what they're used for

- this one is for Snicketverse content and idk i may get one to post fic to

20. is there something people need to know about you before becoming friends?

with internet/fandom mutuals i’m big chillin most of the time and internet friends are fun! come say ey if you want! i am like. a little weird but you’ll get used to it it’s all g

irl like. it’s best in advance if people know yeah i am a bit weird (to the average person) but i’m not like. too weird. also we don’t have to meet in person all the time/much i’m happy to just message. i’m chill. when it comes to finding friends i usually just assume that people my age have their own friends and don’t want to add another friend to the gang they’ve got going which yea is fair enough i understand. sucks a little but oh well

i am going to tag. @mscarolinebingley @mssqualor @kitsnicketts @beatricebidelaire @olivia-caliban @oliviacalibans @drpinkky @atwq @everytuesday @do-doctors-dream-of-magic-sheep

if you want!! and anyone else who sees this post and would like to!!

#gray's posts #about gray #this took a while #but thanks natalia!!!

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funkyfreshramblings · 3 years ago

Text

A Story Twenty Years in the Making

CW: Swearing, sex, transphobia (Look, I'm not proud of who I was).

Shortly after I was born, a cousin of mine was as well. My mother took me to a store where she looked to buy a dress for her new niece to celebrate her birth. A woman stopped and looked at my mother, baby Devon in the stroller, dress in her hand, and curiously spoke up.

"Excuse me miss, but you know that you have a boy, right?" The woman shopping, presumably for her own daughter, had said to my mother.

"Of course I know I have a son. What about it?" My mother said in response.

"Well, that's a dress you're holding. Why would you be buying that for your son?" The woman puzzled.

My mother, quick as a whip and smarter than most people I know today, responded without a second thought.

"I'm letting him experiment with his sexuality."

---

At twelve (12) years old, I became aware of this really weird website. You see, everyone was talking about it, a schoolyard rumour we didn't dare to talk about in front of the teachers. The mythical status of this website was nothing to scoff at, students would huddle around and talk about their findings. It was like an ARG, a new puzzle added every day. The school was rife with these conversations, and everyone was hooked.

I'm of course talking about Pornhub.

Obligatory "don't go on Pornhub unless you're the legal viewing age in your country" aside (even though I'm aware those warnings stop nobody), I too became a curious mind. One day, when my parents had slipped out of the house and I was alone, I pulled it up on my computer upstairs. What I say fascinated me, women and men having sex.

Sex. Woah. Penises, vaginas, anuses. There was everything on this website. Everything. Including this one tab which I didn't dare click.

This one category had what appears to be two men on it. I assumed it was two men, after all neither of them had pronounced breasts like all the women had. And the title of the category? Gay. 'What the fuck does that mean?' twelve-year-old (12) me thought. I ignored it, thought it was weird, and continued on.

In the back of my mind, I was curious. A few weeks after watching straight porn and being mostly repulsed by how awful the women screamed in those videos, I tried it. I clicked on the category tab and was immediately hit with my first exposure to the gay community.

'Twink? Bear? Fisting? Now that's nasty.' I was curiously disgusted but clicked on anyways. "Twinks" looked cute, so I clicked there. Wait, cute? Did I really think these guys were cute? Like I thought my girlfriend was cute?

The video was, simply put, less aggressive than straight porn. Holy shit was straight porn aggressive. It terrified me how much those women screamed like the men were killing them by inserting their penises too far into their bodies. But gay porn looked softer. It was sweeter, with more love. After all, sex is about love, right? Forgive my younger self, you see. He clearly did not understand that nothing in porn is about love. But hey, when working with a half deck, you have to make the cards work.

So I watched gay porn over straight porn. That doesn't mean I'm gay! But wait, if gay porn is between two men, what is porn between a woman and a man. What's porn between two women? Never mind, I'm not that curious about two women together.

A quick Google search sent me down the most soul-searching adventure I'd ever partake in. At least, up until this point.

I soon learned what gay meant, what straight meant, what lesbian meant. You mean boys liking other boys was normal? Girls can like other girls? Wait, you can like boys and girls?

Oh, wait, you can also not be sexually attracted to anyone.

Asexual was a term I first read those years ago, and I soon thought that it described me. See, up until this point, women never interested me sexually. I was twelve (12). Sex really never crossed my mind, even when it was supposed to. But I was watching porn, I thought!

Doesn't matter. I didn't want to be part of those acts. That's what made me ace, I thought.

My lord was I wrong. (Not about ace people, but about my identity. This is where things get juicy. And chuddy.)

---

Okay, so cut to two years later. I'm fourteen (14), in grade ten (10) during Art class. One of my friends sat beside me, my ex across from me, and I hated Art class. Why'd I taken this god-awful course again? Regardless, as I sat there and thought, I thought about my bullying up until high school.

I filled out as a kid. I mean that literally, I grew tall and wide really quickly. No one fucked with me when I was in high school. No one wanted to, and I faded to the background.

But in elementary school, I was the new kid. Backing up to 2009, eight-year-old (8) Devon moved. I would celebrate my ninth (9th) birthday in a class where no one knew me or no one cared. Well, that's not true. One kid cared. Bless that kid. Regardless, 9-year-old (9) me had a target on his back. A big one, and it quickly meant I was being bullied.

My mother is terrifying. I use bold there because I don't think italics can describe just how terrifying mama-bear is when she's angry. After finding out that I was being bullied, she pulled into the school and chewed out the principal. And the parents. And the kids. Hell hath no fury like a mother who went through the shit mine did. So quickly the bullying died down.

Stopped? No, but quieted. My new friends surrounded me in a wonderful bubble of love, but that didn't mean they also didn't pick on me. The most common insult? Gay.

Gay? Like, porn gay? No no no, I said. I'm not gay.

Cut back to 14-year-old (14) me, thinking throughout Art class. I swear Ms. Taylor had it out for me. Oh, right, gay.

'Holy shit.' I thought.

'Wait. They're right, I'm gay. I like men. Holy shit I really like men. Men are hot, and I want to be with one so bad. But I live in this crap town of conservatives (my parents taught me right, conservatives are some of the shittiest people on the planet after all).'

Okay, so I'm gay. I figured that out at the very least! Now I have to tell people.

Oh. Fuck. I have to tell people.

Coming out. Hell, as I like to call it. First to my friends. My friends would understand, after all, I had a pansexual friend. What the fuck does pansexual mean? Never mind that Devon, focus on your own damn self for a second.

Oh. My. God. I have to tell people.

I pulled up my big boy pants and blurted out in the middle of class...

Nothing. What did you expect?

I waited 'till the next morning. That made sense.

---

"Hi, Sierrah!" I said to my colourful friend. Her hair was always a different colour every month and still is. I wish I had half the hair strength she must have.

"Hey, Devon!" She said, blue backpack on her back, meeting up with me to walk to school in the morning.

"I have something to tell you. I'm gay." She looked at me and squealed before wrapping me in a big hug.

"I'm so proud of you!" Okay, one down. A lot more to go.

My best friend in high school used to be someone who I absolutely despised. We bonded over our shared dislike of our shared ex. We became really close. Telling him was pretty easy. Okay, two down.

Remember that girl I sat beside during Art? Not my ex, the one I bonded with my best friend over disliking, I meant the girl sitting beside me. Well, let me tell you.

No one can give me a reception nearly half as good as what she did when I told her.

"Sara, I'm gay," I said. Less than five (5) seconds later, my face was buried in the tits of Sara. That was... fun. Not sexual in the slightest, it was fun. She was warm, and she loved me. I could tell that as a friend, Sara would become the most important person in my life. Thank you, Sara. Should you ever read this.

I hope someone reads this.

Anyone?

Moving on, I eventually told all my friends that day. None of them gave a shit! Cool!

My parents.

Oh no. My parents were next.

I'm skipping that part, it's no longer relevant.

Sorry. (Not sorry in the slightest.)

---

So I graduated the gay kid of 2018. Yay! Seventeen-year-old (17) me made it to grad!

But before I did, I need to preface this part of the story. I was, unfortunately, a fan of Soygon of Asskad. And Blairina Weiss.

Shame. Shame. Shame. Not a day goes by where I'm not sorry for my actions during this period of my life. I am so profusely sorry for the racism and transphobia I perpetuated during this period of my life. I was even homophobic. God damn it, Devon, what the fuck are you doing?

I am now a proud socialist. University helped. So did Vaush, and BadBunny (who's chat might be reading this. Henlo Nicole! Henlo chat!).

Scream at me about Vaush later.

Okay, where was I? Right, grad. University applications.

I made it into the University of Toronto Mississauga. Canada's best university. One of the best universities in the world. Holy shit, I should be more proud of myself for that. I am proud. I made it there, and as I write this, I'm on my last year.

Here's to me becoming a med student soon, I hope!

So school happened. I went to school as a shy gay kid with undiagnosed anxiety problems. That wouldn't last, and soon my anxiety was written in the prescriptions I was handed over the counter for Lexapro. This is where I met my first friend from university.

He will remain unnamed for legal reasons.

He introduced me to one of the most beautiful men I've met to this date.

S. (Name redacted for reasons you need not know. Not legal reasons. Personal ones. Please respect this decision.)

Woah, was this guy just... hot. He was an athlete, no way he'd like me. He probably also sleeps around, and I don't want that.

Boy was I wrong. I soon found out that S was very much into me. I was someone's crush. Wow!

That eventually turned into a... relationship. You get the gist. Affirmation.

I was very, very gay. S helped me understand that I was very very gay.

Okay, so eighteen-year-old (18) Devon was gay. That was very clear.

So that's the end of the story, right?

No.

We just crossed the halfway point.

---

Cut to twenty (20). I am gay, an active chatter in BadBunny's (Twitch streamer, not singer) discord, and really really confused.

See, progressive streamers like BadBunny typically have features to add yourself to a role on Discord that would tell everyone your pronouns when they clicked on your profile. This is a really good way to affirm pronouns of everyone, so I'm down.

Well, I do have one problem. Any/all isn't listed here. Wait.

Wait...

Any? All?

Why do I feel like this?

I'm cis. Let me make that clear. I am cisgendered. I identify as a man, I was born a man, and I think I will always be a man. I think.

But I know pronouns don't necessarily tell you someone's gender. They is a really popular pronoun for all sorts of non-binary identities, all of which are different from each other. So pronouns do not equal gender.

Can I really use they/them, she/her, he/him, fae/faer, fawn/fawn, etc/etc. all while being cis? I think so, let's try it! I don't know how to describe my gender, all I know is I'm apathetic to my pronouns.

Cut to a TikTok video. I learned my fucking gender identity from a TikTok video. This is why representation is important.

"Gender Apathy" we're the words coming from this person's mouth. She? He? Them? Didn't matter, they didn't care. I didn't care.

We didn't care.

Holy fuck.

---

Google has been a really important resource for me as an academic student. Wikipedia articles affirm my suspicions before I move onto Google Scholar to look up articles.

I'm fucking kidding.

Fuck Google Scholar.

But Google did introduce me to the world of fandom wikis.

Is gender wiki a thing? LGBTQ+ wiki?

As it turns out, it is.

Gender Apathy is an article there, as well as many many other identities. If you're question, do some keyword searches. You'll never know what you find.

Anyways, Gender Apathy. Cisapathetic, which I kind of interpret as someone who identifies as cisgender but doesn't really care? I guess? This is all still confusing, but whatever. Cisapathetic.

I quickly shared this with all my friends. I found something new out!

But we aren't done yet.

---

Cut to a little while later. It's Pride month, 2021. This month, if you happen to read this as soon as it goes up! Someone on TikTok is making Pride moths.

Fucking TikTok.

Moths were, at one point, a really popular meme online. Lämp. Gen Z humour will be the end of us all.

So naturally, people found a love for moths. Great, that's lead us to this point. I notice during these videos that these moths are pretty. I want one, or rather, two.

I want the modern Pride moth. The trans flag and a black and brown stripe were included on this modern Pride flag to signal that BIPOC are central to Pride, and need to be celebrated and that our trans friends need our help. Need our platform. Need our rights too.

And I wanted the Gender Apathetic moth. After all, it was something new I discovered! Well, I noticed something in the comments while I was requesting a Gender Apathetic moth from this creator (they were open to suggestions, so please don't heckle me about it). One commenter said the words "are you doing a Neptunic/Uranic/Saturnic moth as well?" What the hell are those?

To the LGBTA wiki!

Neptunic is described as a sexuality "attracted to women, feminine non-binary people and neutral non-binary people."

Saturnic is described as a sexuality "attracted to androgynous aligned non-binary people."

Uranic is the one I'm really curious about then. I'm attracted to men, after all. Uranic is described as a sexuality "attracted to men, masculine non-binary people and neutral non-binary people."

Woah.

So let me back up a little bit.

When I had access to Twitter (they suspended me for defending my sexuality from someone who was saying gay men all have AIDS, so thanks Twitter) I once made a thread talking about how I didn't feel comfortable with calling myself gay.

"But Devon," I hear you say, "the whole first half of this story was dedicated to you realizing you were gay! How can you say that after wasting so much of our fucken' time?"

Give me a minute, dear reader. Let me explain what I said in this thread.

As I type this out, I recognize the transphobia I had against trans-men even while typing out that thread. I want to say, right here, right now, that my sexuality is trans-inclusive. Men with vaginas are still men. I am still very much attracted to men with vaginas. But this thread still falls on transphobic remarks. Once again, I profusely apologize for my past. I am currently working towards being a better person to my trans friends, both online and offline. I am doing my best to be better. I love you all, and I thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this.

Oh, and U of T, if you're reading this, before you even think about kicking me out for admitting my previous bigotry, I urge you to think about your staff first. Jordan Peterson still has a job and makes the campus trans-exclusive as he continues to teach. Catch yourself before you come for me, a student doing his best to be better.

Okay, so back to the Twitter thread.

I essentially said something along the lines of this:

I really struggle with calling myself gay when in reality, I'm only attracted to people with penises, and who lack vaginas and breasts. I would have sex with non-binary people who have penises. So am I really just "gay?"

But in a lot more words. Before I continue, I want to take the time to explain how this comment is transphobic, and why I am sorry and why I want to explain that I no longer feel this way. Okay? So, here's the short of it:

I go by the term gay, but by saying I'm explicitly only attracted to people with penises while liking men, I was indirectly making the point that trans-men are not men if they too do not have penises.

This is not true. Trans men are men, and I have come to realize my attraction for trans men as well, despite genitalia. My sexuality encompasses men of all kinds, and non-binary people who are masculine aligned or neutrally aligned. Once again, I can only apologize and do better.

I am sorry for my previous transphobia. I hope I can make it better by acknowledging it and doing my best to avoid these implications ever again.

Okay, now that we have all of that out of the way, let's talk Uranic again.

Uranic really does describe me. I feel it in every bone of my body, that I really do find myself sexually attracted to even non-binary people.

So, gay is out, uranic is in.

Where does that leave me today?

---

When I started this post, I explained how I was a cisgendered gay man who was a liberal who almost fell down the alt-right pipeline. But as I type this post, not only has my identity evolved, but so has my political ideology. I am a cisapathetic, uranic man who still uses the term gay in casual conversation because it's easier even though it doesn't really describe me, socialist.

BadBunny/Nicole, chat, if you're reading this, thank you. You helped me a ton in discovering socialism and to reject ideas of capitalism that only serve to continue the systematic racism against black people, the systematic transphobia that kills trans people, and even the systematic homophobia I face as a "gay" man.

Wow, that was long. Really long. If you made it this far, give yourself a pat on the back. You just read the life history of a twenty-year-old (20) and how he came to understand his identity.

I love you all.

Signed,

Devon.

FunkyFreshHomo on Discord.

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