#so dont come at me with this shit again lol
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curse of strahdanya has officially taken over my brain! alongside arcane…season two is SO GOOD SO FARR please go watch it if you haven’t. holy shit yall it does not disappoint
spoilers for up to and the entirety of episode 7 of cos — ill mainly be talking about character dynamics (mostly shepnax) but major events and plot developments will be explicitly discussed as well, so, if you’re not there yet, please don’t keep reading (getting spoilered for this stuff is not worth it i promise)
im sorry in advance. im not even done writing everything yet and its already very long
the way i see it, episode 7 is a major turning point for not only the whole story but inter-party relationships as well. i’ll be organizing this a little bit so it’s less text-wall-y (hopefully)
shepherd
there’s the raven mother they find nailed to the wall — the culprit being strahdanya. this definitely fueled the hate that all of the party had for her, but especially shepherd. he literally screams out in anguish and, later, calls strahdanya a coward and bitch — something we’ve never seen shepherd do before.* i think the events in the beginning of ep 7 is what really cemented his and the party’s objective: destroy strahdanya. before, i sensed some kind of ‘wiggle room’: the party would be willing to work with her a bit, though only for a very short amount of time and would probably backstab her. but after witnessing all that? strahdanya is irredeemably evil, not worthy of consideration / sympathy / courtesy, and i think it finally fully dawned on them all
*i also love how much raw emotion shepherd expresses throughout the campaign. the rest of the party has their moments too (i can immediately think of kana and victoria, but im not remembering any significant ones for clayton or sarnax though i know they exist), but shepherd consistently reacts to the hellhole that is barovia in such a genuine way that it grounds the whole narrative and, to me, makes barovia that much more horrifying. in other stories or discussions of stories ive seen like this (and even in the cos party itself), the characters are largely untouched by the horrors that occur in such a setting. which, fit the characters/purpose as it might, distances the audience at least a tiny bit from the happenings of the narrative. but when you have an otherwise grounded, calm, capable individual like shepherd crack? that’s when it really hits you i think. like, the whole thing with sarnax reviving the mother? shepherd being so relieved and overcome with a multitude of feelings that his voice cracks as he holds back tears, begging the mother to rest and not do any work? it made me feel the same way, and it really drove home how wonderful this act is and how dire their situation is. shepherd (and andy by extension!) have drawn the most emotion out of me in my watch, and its possibly the main reason i enjoy his character so much
him being seemingly chosen by the silver dragon (which, again, another turning point) is very compelling in a narrative sense too because shepherd doesnt want power, he doesn’t seem to even like the idea of leading (or at least being pushed into a position of leadership). i’ll touch on it later in the shepherd and sarnax segment (if i dont forget lol, my mind is running wild while i write this)
victoria
i think strahd’s infatuation with her and the physical effects it has (kana’s cleansing ritual failing because the water becomes blood as it touches victoria) is so interesting, especially her inner conflict with her heritage and wickedness (and the distrust it sows between her and the party, at least initially)
i really enjoyed how victoria was vulnerable with kana, and how kana handled it with such care and compassion. this is also a turning point, i think, when it comes their relationship: kana promises to protect victoria, and victoria promises to fight the darkness within her; they definitely got closer after that, and their bond was deepened. i dont imagine strahd would be very happy about victoria not being enamored by her and being helped by her party, though it’s very possible that she enjoys ‘the chase’ (for the lack of a better term)
when they came across the dusk elf in the order of the silver dragon estate-thing, it’s a pretty clear parallel to victoria given her appearance, heritage, and reason for being in barovia. i could be very very wrong about this but its heavily implied victoria’s elf half is a dusk elf, which makes sense considering, again, that she’s in barovia to learn about her lineage and that dusk elves are the only elves mentioned so far. i think this is the first time she’s genuinely made progress in her goal
sarnax
sarnax’s identity revolves around gherix: his whole life is devoted to the fire lord; he’s used to communing with and praying to his god. it’s likely what kept him going in such a terrible place with such terrible odds of survival, let alone returning (which he’s convinced he will not). so when strahdanya intercepted the augury spell he was so clearly shaken. it was one of the few moments, if not the only one, where sarnax was in genuine, utter panic — the whole time shepherd repeatedly asked him if he was alright and he didn’t seem to hear those words at all. suddenly he learned that strahdanya could damage or possibly sever his connection to his god, the being his life is centered around. (kana’s comment certainly didn’t help)
but what happens after — the augury spell reading ‘weal’ and sarnax being able to revive the mother — strengthens his faith. it was tested, but he prevailed. i think he was also filled with a newfound sense of purpose, knowing that, no matter what strahd does, his god considers him worthy enough
about him and kana: episode 7 is the culmination of their slow development towards not only tolerating each other’s beliefs but to understand and embrace them, specifically with kana saying that she trusts in sarnax and his god
sarnax and shepherd
the conversation between them was my favorite moment in this episode by far. there are so many layers,
shepherd so clearly doesnt want to embody his namesake and be a leader, but the silver dragon and someone he trusts so much — sarnax — and fate itself push him in that direction, so he just does. shepherd says:
“sarnax don’t”
“no why would you-“
“why- why- why would you put this on me, why?”
“how can you say that?”
“this was just a job. i mean this was just to make sure we all got here and back safely…how did this happen?”
then, later…
“alright, alright i…okay. i…dont know what to say”
“alright…alright…okay, understood”
“sure, sure. lead the way” and, after sarnax says “no, shepherd. you lead the way, i will light the path,” “…fine.”
essentially, he sucks it up. and that’s interesting to me since shepherd shows so much emotion, so it’s clearly not a ‘men dont cry’-type ideology thing. i think it’s probably related to his desire to do good, and as well as the good doc. after all, the doc gave him his virtue name: shepherd. it only makes sense that he would be written by fate as one: a person who guides the lost through the darkness. so that’s my guess as to why he so readily accepts this burden
i think sarnax being the one to say this also played a role in it^. shepherd witnessed firsthand the power of gherix and sarnax’s wisdom, so much so that he prayed to gherix. shepherd, who was originally averse to anything religious, prayed. and i also think sarnax is shepherd’s only true friend in the party. his relationship with clayton, victoria, and kana feels like professional acquaintances — they’re comfortable with each other and certainly growing closer, but he seeks out sarnax (and sarnax does too) and both have called the other a friend or good friend, on more than one occasion for shepherd and at least one for sarnax. it’s obvious that shepherd values what sarnax has to say and cares for him.
because of that, sarnax saying that he will die in barovia (specifically that he doesn’t “believe [he has] a place back in avantris” and that “whatever it is that [they] achieve here will be [his] end” because he has “seen it in the flames”) and shepherd’s reaction hits even harder for me.
shepherd says “i’m not gonna leave you. i’m not gonna leave anyone.”
and sarnax replies “then it will be i that leaves you.”
it’s the shortest exchange, but it holds so much weight. sarnax has accepted his fate, possibly long before this. but when before sarnax took charge and led the group, shining his light, he steps back, realizing shepherd is the one who (he thinks) fits that role. he still guides, but he doesn’t lead, and he believes shepherd should. but shepherd doesn’t. shepherd’s used to following orders, as we see so many times with him and clayton (but also him and sarnax), and struggles to make decisions for the group — when they ask him where they should go, shepherd seemingly blanks and he just picks whatever as fast as he can (to get the pressure off him, i assume). and despite this, shepherd’s line reinforces what sarnax thinks: a good shepherd doesn’t leave his sheep behind, he goes after and, well, shepherds them.
and honestly the whole relationship between shepherd and sarnax. them being regarded as monsters by others, being dehumanized by, for example, vascha [?] thinking shepherd is a devil and esmeralda calling sarnax shepherd’s pet ->
shepherd answers, understably upset, “he’s not my pet, he’s a person!” i figured sarnax felt the same way, but when he was praying to gherix, he referred to shepherd as “a vessel for [gherix’s] wrath.” so that raised a question to me: does sarnax truly care for shepherd (in the way shepherd does), or does he view him as a tool? it’s interesting to think about. it could be him truly caring about shepherd and seeing him as a capable person who will have a great role in his god’s plans which, i imagine, is among the highest of honors — the first possibility in the question, but filtered through the lens of sarnax’s religious perspective (which i think is the most likely and most compelling)
and there’s the parallel with them being connected to gold and silver dragons: different, but the same. (unrelated tangent but there’s also a very interesting parallel between shepherd being chosen by the silver dragon [‘good’] and victoria being chosen by strahdanya [‘bad’])
sarnax saying “silver will unite with gold” is, on the surface, about the two dragon-gods involved in the story. but i think, on a deeper and probably unintended level, it also applies to shepherd and sarnax growing closer (as they have been since the prologue, following in the footsteps of their respective dragons, and shepherd connecting the two dragons by his faith in gherix and affinity to the silver dragon.
i think that’s everything! hopefully i wont post this and immediately remember something i didn’t mention
thank you for reading all of this <33
#hopefully the order (not chronological) i wrote this in (and the whole thing in general) makes sense#idk. curse of strahdanya my beloved#yes i did transcribe the majority of the sarnax shepherd conversation#on paper because my notes app kept crashing whenever i tried to write a single word#im so normal about them#curse of strahdanya#sarnax of the edelwood#silas shepherd morgan#silas ‘shepherd’ morgan#kana soyokaze#victoria isaacs#legends of avantris#not art#media analysis#-> maybe
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https://www.tumblr.com/zeichannnnn/755317359918645248/they-arent-as-culturally-revolutionary-as-genshin?source=share
who even are you lol get out of my inbox
#(ooc. ✧)#bet this person aint even latino#(answered ask. ✧)#idgaf im gonna be mad either way#either put respect on the cultures & diversities latam inhabits or just dont touch them at all#simple as that#i'd rather have no rep than some hogwash#as OP said#i have every right to be pissed!#the MOMENT natlan was mentioned that it was gonna have latam/pilipino/african “inspirations” or whatever#i knew damn well it was gonna be messy#just dont fucking do it if you cant do it right.#i'm not gonna deny that the CCP is awful as it continues to rob people of good media and threatens peopels literal lives#i would NEVER deny that and i sincerely hope that things get better and change for the people that live in fear bc of it#but i cannot stand poor representation either.#so dont come at me with this shit again lol#literally nothing gets me more than someone tryna pull out some “holier-than-thou” shit in saying why i shouldnt be angry#sorry for the negativity and putting this shit on y'alls dashes#negative cw#i guess?#idk#anyway <3 go away
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same teacher, different lessons
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#sonic the hedgehog#dr. ivo eggman robotnik#miles tails prower#sonic frontiers#SPOILERS. THERE ARE SPOILERS IN THIS COMIC BY THE WAY.#SONIC FRONTIERS SPOILERS#smiles gently I can not believe I let sonic the fuckign hedgehog ruin my life#(I can I totally can)#hi <3 if you follow me because I drew this sonic comic. don't!#don't do it! follow me bc I'm funny and hot and devastatingly smart don't follow me bc I draw sonic stuff. bc it won;t happen again#I mean it. not bc I dont like or want to do sonic stuff. but bc I am literally in the middle of a job rn#one that I want to invest 100% of my time and brain in#this comic is actually an effort to win my brain back so I can do my job lol#because I finished miss penny snapcube's streams of this game and it force fed me emotions#I just! I just thought sonic would come tell eggman abt sage!! idk seems like something he'd do!!!#and also the whole thing abt letting the characters move on and have a future and change and develop#vs Killing My Baby Little Guy Daughter For Like Ten Minutes#thematically interesting! also for some reasons I had. a pretty easy time drawing this#I was mouthbreathing galloping like a horse to finishing this. Because I Need To Work#I didnt expect to have a good time with these designs tho idk why. probably bc I most suck shit at drawing animals#but to be fair yet again sonic and tails are little guys. theyre animal but theyre also like dudes. also sonic's design is kinda perfect#as far as character design goes he's really pretty goo- wait I made a continuity error hol on#okay. okay I fixed it. no problem. no matter 's all good now#okay. I go sleep now. today has been very noisy. but this actually got me through it okay#thank you sonic the hedgehog. that was pretty cool of u#have a good night guys! absolute freedom is probably really really sad#long post
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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hi, I remembered about the ask about the vampire abilities (time travel, walking in the sun, compulsion) and I need to ask, what are the werewolf abilities?
and Steve own abilities since he can become a giant werebat and being the most convincing conman
Hi there!
So, werewolves can shapeshift into canines of course. But they also heal faster than humans, are stronger than humans, and they have a generally better sense of smell and hearing!
I also like to think they can see in the dark pretty well, too.
Steve specifically has... Well, his stuff is kind of messy. Werewolves and their relation to the moon and its cycle combined with vampires relationship to time led him to being unable to control his time travel, and instead it's forced around the cycle of the moon. This sort of goes with everything. He doesn't need blood to do things, but the werebat is insatiably hungry. It's extremely powerful, but uncontrollable. He doesn't need permission to enter a residence, but he also is incapable of compelling people.
The sort of thematic representation of this is all about his general place in the story as someone who has absolutely no choice, and that frustration of your agency being taken from you.
Him being a 'convincing conman' is a survival tactic, to be honest. It can make the difference between eating and not. With his only real benefit from all this supernatural upheaval being heightened senses, he's just become really observational and is able to read a room and adapt to it immediately. It's about the only thing that's kept him alive, besides the werebat... so really, it's the only thing that's kept the werebat out.
Some of this is admittedly getting into spoiler territory, though, but I do intend to canonize some things! I'm happy to delve more into the specifics once it's happened :)
#this makes no sense HAHAHAHA#if I were to get into each individual ability it's...#kind of handwavy#the most important thing to me is that it enhances the themes#Steve is someone with no choice but to do things that are 'wrong'#he HAS to steal he HAS to break and enter or whatever he HAS to lie#if he doesnt he WILL die#and he tries to do these things with as much of his morals intact as he can#like it's necessary for him. he's been thrown into random places in random time periods with 0 help repeatedly for a YEAR...#if he doesnt con his way into a meal and a place to stay sometimes. he's not gonna make it! its just how it works#hes a guy who has picked up a lot of odd jobs and gotten into a lot of really rough situations#so. yeah#I also dont really like to think of him as a con man to be honest#he's not conning people out of their money really#he's not coming up with ruses#it's not like... scams...#it's like lying that he's a movie extra so he can stay in a hotel when there's a film going on in the area#so it's different. TO ME#he's never gonna be calling an old lady telling her that he needs 100 dollars in itunes giftcards lol#THATS scams THATS conning#anyways#I feel strongly about him#obviously LOL#asks#anon#steve#time and time again stuff#lore#idk what I tag this shit man I forget everything
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oh captain my captain i didn't know what league of legends game was when i watched arcane. so i thought the plot was alright since i didn't (still don't) know the game lore. if it wasn't basically a prequel story, trying to aim the characters at the way they are in canon, do u think the plot and character arcs would have held up alright? or does that actually make the arcane canon story worse since it wouldn't at least have the existing canon as something it needed to land at eventually as an excuse for any "out of character" decisions? thank u
i wouldnt even call it a prequel story? its like a very elaborate au in a sense, one that feels comfortable changing things to a certain extent- clothes, personality adjustments, motivations, but they still have to hit certain beats. vi has to be an enforcer, jinx has to be a wild card harley quinn type, ekkos time powers ect ect. idk WHAT it is maybe the show needed more time or tighter focus or less characters but i just felt that like, some of the story decisions directly relating to LoL lore werent outright bad but didnt have a lot of time to breathe. the standout example being ekkos time thing, where when i watched that scene i assumed it was both a stylistic representation of a fight and establishing his and jinx's prior relationship (which is kind of too little too late considering they did not fucking speak once as kids pre time skip), and then i had to get a friend to explain to me for SEVERAL MINUTES that he literally died during that fight and it was supposed to be showing his rewind thing. it just wasnt clear at all and his character would not change in the slightest if he didnt have it. but you cant NOT include it so. *
really i have no clue the full extent of the story the writers wanted to tell and how much LoL is binding their hands on story beats. and i REALLY dont want to be inflexible considering i still have a full season coming up that might make me more receptive to certain decisions. but considering how much of the cast i REALLY like just straight up are not in the game, i think they are fully capable of making a solid story completely divorced from league
*someone in the comments told me apparently that Wasnt his time thing and my original read of the scene was correct so im not gonna hold it against the show.
#basically anytime i was like huh thats weird#my friend would lean over and go thats league shit#and then i just kind of sit there. Huh#asks#Anonymous#obviously its a massive step up from league both aesthetics wise and like. as a cohesive narrative#i hate you vi undercut/dreadlocks you are so nasty#but i read like this short except drabble from her bio on the website and. look im sorry#i kind of like that she fucking sucks#it gives her a direction at least#like theyre trying to align arcane violet with the choices of a version of her that seems completely antithetical#but again i cant even get that deep into it we dont know how long her fucking enforcer phase will last!#a month? a year? who knows! we dont even know if she likes it#and LoL vi clearly revels in that kind of violence#idk something about her shittiness made her more engaging#whatever i hope in season two she loses so many fights its important to me actually#like its insane this is going to sound so fucking mean but i like her less bc she wins so goddamn much#i compare her to like. gideon nav obviously but also the protagonist of monkey man#and both of those things kind of emphasize those characters losing Hard. chapter 2 of gtn is her getting her ass beat#it just makes the wins later more satisfying#but idk maybe its supposed to be balanced by her emotional losses but the story feels so. removed from it?#spent like 7 years in prison we see none of it she comes out of there like she wasnt incarcerated in an adult facility since age 15#and now a girl she spent at the LONGEST a week with but probably closer tk 2-3 days is the same level of emotional import as her sister#SHAKING the writers i am not SOLD why is she LIKE THIS#cough. anyway
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literally having the worst day ever and i cant ever be happy (has only experienced minor inconveniences today but they keep adding up)
#first of all i didnt get a lot of sleep so im mad tired#second of all the place i usually get lunch on campus said they werent doing bagels at the moment and it ruined me#cuz i was soooo excited to get bagels#third of all i was already cranky so i got all in my feels last night#so i had a dream where my gf who isnt my gf and saw each other on one fo the campuses and she was w her friends#at one point we were both leaving and iw as watcing her and her and her friend knew i was there#so then her friend comes over and shes like '[gf name] loves you so much'#and i was about to cry tears of joy i was like REALLY???#and then her friend started laughing and gestured to my gf who isn't my gf's OTHER friend behind me and she was like 'jk lol she meant#this friend not you el oh el'#and then my gf and her friends were all laughing at me and i burst into tears#and then in full on sobs i was like 'i loved you so much how could you leave me'#and then my gf was just like 'well youre a bad person and you think youre sooooo myseterious and youre a terrible person and i never loved#you' and oh my god it ruined my morning#i know a lot of it was just psychological cuz i was already moody when i went to bed#and i have this werid paranoia where i think her and her friends talk shit about me#which i doubt they do but it still stresses me out#so thats probably why that hapepned#and then on top of all that. fourth of all im getting lunch and i literally see her outside. like i dont see her for days and of course#the day i least want to see her shes right there#i mean im generally doing better than september and i didnt feel the same sinking feeling#i used to in like sept but still like brooooo bro this day could not be worseee#the only good thing that happened was that i passed my physics exam <3#also yeah again i said these are minor inconveniences im just frustrated lol#sunny rambles
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I have not posted any of my analysis to reddit yet and I think I might just post it and ghost it. I've already spent too much time looking at other people's threads on there to feel any way good about interacting with folks.
I already went in an added the "I know you're going to bring this up let me save you the time" section which is exclusively touching on the frequent topics of:
"well what about the fingerprint nostrum and finger mimics? He is clearly just a crackpot"
And
"it's definitely some weird elaborate sacrifice to Metyr thing"
#if he's drinking hallucinogenic tea in his free time genuinely good for him. whatever man. i just do not think either of those items are-#at all relevant to the quest especially the nostrum because it is a placebo medicine and aint nothing fake about this shit#also i think theres a distinction between becoming fingers vs wanting to replace metyr? idk like as ive said i think he thinks he's-#better than the fingerweavers and rightfully so#like please come to a new conclusion other than “man this guy is on drugs”#also girl... metyr doesnt need sacrifices. like? where is that textually or in set design? metyr wants us to leave her the fuck alone#she's minding her own business EVERY TIME WE SPAWN INTO HER ZONE#like why are people so desperate for everything to have a dark undercurrent? not everything has to be some dark disney ass shit#“actually finding nemo is a hallucination & Marlin is insane & nemo is dead that movie is actually super fucked up & dory is a grim reaper”#like im sorry but this is how this extra shit all feels to me#like it is already fucked up and miserable?#is he 100% a good person? like thats genuinely person to person. theres personal gain from the quest#and hes definitely very good at getting what he wants#manipulate manifest mother#tail fingers on the vision board#devon yaps#and yap I did#like I don't want to be a bitch because yeah we should genuinely celebrate other peoples theories and hcs in these games#but i dont think “lol this guy is just on drugs” is one of those things#because i like spooky theories if theyre backed up.#but to say “its this weirdly horrible thing and youre all wrong” especially in his context is not great to me#Sorry. like may my own arrogance strike me down like the scholar i think i am 😤 farewell#because again its coming down to meeting this narrative without preconceived bias and most of the reddit stuff feels like-#“he is fucked up. won't say why. but i bet you know why i actually think this 🤫🤫🤫” like just you cant wrap your brain around guy mom#i do really want to reiterate this is about reddit shit. like i am so into people who love his character but interpret him more sinister💕😚#truly eating that shit up
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In case it's hard to read/understand: "If I had a nickel for every time I had a story with a blonde girl named after a plant, who has a German father and a French mother but absolutely hates said mom, I'd have two nickels. Which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice."
weird, extremely-specific tropes in my stories: pt 1
#oc liveblogging#ughhhhhhh i really CANNOT afford to be procrastinating rn but i know this happens when im extremelyyyyyy fucking stressed.#creative/art related classes always get me for this reason bc ill use 'wait but i need to find inspiration!' as an excuse to procrastinate.#fuckkkkkkkkkk. UGH IM NOT EVEN WRITING SOMETHING FROM SCRATCH ITS JUST A FINAL REVISION BUT IM CONVINCED IT SUCKS#the worst part is hkjhkjGHKJ I HAVE TO PRESENT SOME OF THIS SHIT AT AN. INTERNATIONAL FUCKING CONFERENCE GUYS. GUYSYSSSS#anyways this post is sadly not related to that. nothing im presenting is related to my ocs [un]fortunately lmao#ive just been thinking rotating various oc stories around in my head again ourgghhhh.#and i realized this LMAO. i mean maybe technically not 2 separate stories anymore because im recycling a lot from one for the other?#one of these was already established lowkey and the other was something i made for an assignment for a class like 2 years ago#i actually don't know if petunie will be blonde in her final incarnation?? ive always imagined her as silvery blonde ig but idk#if ill keep that. she doesnt have proper colors like colin but at least colin has his design set more straight somewhat.#and all the recent petunie development is lowkey really fucking funny to think abt. i girlbossed with her character development so#hard that she really replaced lucian as a protagonist HAHAJSDHKGJ. ok well not 100% kamille's story is a shoot-off#of lucian's technically? i guess? it started becoming that and now its solidified as that lowkey bc same town same place time period people#but man if im not careful i might accidentally make kamille/petunie's arc THE default one and lucian's main one the offshoot instead#a lot remains to be seen. but also yeah the other one who's story is mostly getting recycled (myrtille) actually ALSO HAD HER MOM#COME FROM THIS SAME FUCKING PLACE BASICALLY. a few decades later but still bruh given developments for lucian's story too its just like#at this point im noticing a pattern man wtf is wrong w/ women who come from this town specifically lol. 😔🥴#this town in general is just fucking cursed though i think ahkjshkg. i mean that jokingly and literally lolololl i gotta. work on it. but y#I HATE IT HERE WHY ARE WEIRD LITTLE FUCKING TOWNS WHERE BAD SHIT HAPPENS ALWAYS A CONSISTENT TROPE IN MY STORIES /silly#I DONT EVEN COME FROM A WEIRD LITTLE TOWN MY HOMETOWN IS LIKE. AVERAGE NORMALISH NOT SUPER LARGE??? IDFK?????#haaaaaaa fuck i need to finish this by the end of TODAY I S2G!!! SO I CAN MOVE ON TO ALL THE OTHER SHIT I OWE FUCKKKK
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yeah this has been said a bajillion times i knowwww but sparkpelt and needleclaw had so much potential as "legacy" themed characters
#like its appalling to me they didnt do shit with needleclaw when shes named after someone violet had such a complicated relationship with#AND she shouldve inherited the sisters' powers and all#plus her mother's trauma from the kin could have affected her growing up since she was a mom so young...#honestly in my au. i dont really know where root and needle will come from slkdfjlsdfjs#bc skyclan doesnt come over and i dont want violet to get pregnant so young#shes off with zelda as a kittypet trying to rehabilitate the kin and other victims of the clans so shes not even over there anymore#she doesnt have time for kids of her own. and tree is also gone bc i hate him lol#ig if i put twig in windclan they can be kids she adopted?#but idk. they could go to shadowclan somewhere. but that would be covered with shadowsight#maybeeee riverclan? bc mistystar sides with the imposter so we'd see them in isolation#again tho. idk.
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sorry i just. need to rant for a second
#cause dude the whole joost situation is SO fucking upsetting#he's mentioned over and over again how overwhelming this whole overnight success thing has been for him and to respect his boundaries#and instead of yk respecting his wishes “fans” go and make things worse by constantly overstepping and being creepy and weird like hello???#like why can't we all just be normal and take a step back and enjoy things#these people are gonna end up driving him off the internet and i wouldn't blame him one bit#and the worst part is the people who should get the memo obviously don't (or refuse to) bc this isn't an isolated instance#like its been going on for a while now#idk man i just think about how hard it must be for him rn#one of the things that turned me into a joost fan (besides his music) was his personality#like i obviously dont know him on a personal basis#but from the little bits ive seen he comes across as a really genuine and sweet and kind dude#super thoughtful as well. like i just love the way he thinks and his take on things#like i remember watching his eurovision interviews and just thinking oh man this dude's a ray of sunshine LMFAO#also the literal definition of resilience like dude's been through so much stuff and hes always managed to come out on top despite of it#and thats something i really admire about him too. like the way he put it as not letting your traumas be just that#but also something that can drive you forward#but yeah dude's had more than enough like he deserves to be happy and have some peace and ppl keep ruining it for him and it makes me upset#like i actually slept like shit last night and woke up feeling terrible and i wonder if what went down yesterday w the whole live thing#has anything to do with it lmfao#and you may be like ok well youre taking it too personally and letting it affect you#and yeah maybe youre right LOL but i cant help it i care about the guy and i want him to be okay#he seems to have a really good support system though so i hope things blow over soon and he can finally have some peace#anyway. rant over! 💋#raquel speaks
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these things are always happening to the ones i like :////////
anyways the lighting in this dungeon is so nice
didn't get any good pics bc i was too busy dungeoning but so pretty...best dungeon music so far goes to snowcloak though btw
#ffxivposting#i knew it was coming bc i tried to use the google search bar as a spellcheck for his name (LOL) like a DUMBASS because in the suggestions..#i was like no!! no!! but he's so funny!!!!!! and the second he showed up in game again i started taking screenshots of me n the bestieee#it wouldnt be accurate to say that i am Emotional about this but i am like aw man...but he was so funny...insert montage of All The Memorie#was crazy seeing her looking so distressed in a cutscene. girl me too! he was so funny </3#the loud ass screenshot sound effects throughout the cutscene were funny though.this is who i am#altogether i have like 150+ screenshots of this game thus far.serious shit#IN OTHER NEWS:#- i cant stop laughing at finding out that a.lphinaud is in fact 16 years old. like i was guessing he was 17 or so but man it checks out#so hard. smart fella or not of course the sixteen year old boy naively founded a private army. it checks out so hard. hes cute :)#- since the tail end of arr patch quests ive been checking npc dialogue of relevant characters and thats a bit of a goldmine sometimes#- the first time aymeric(?) (not double checking via google ive learned my lesson) showed up i joked that he was going to be an akc type#and well no. he's really not. but i did cackle when it was revealed that he was a bastard child. clocked him on accident#- addicted to dalamud red dye. was funny when estinien started rocking his blood red armor like omg now we're Extra twinsies!#funny to me when they acknowledge the whole drg class stuff. like ah yes the Other azure drg. sorry estinien this feels like stolen valor#this is just what happens when u play f.fiv multiple times when u are r like 6. and also just think lances are sexy.#- can't wait to find out where tf the rest of the scions went. hi guys. you wont Believe what happened while you were AFK!#that's right! dragons! and then theyre like I Haven't Seen The Light Of The Sun For An Ambiguous Amount Of Time...cowabummer!#i keep joking abt needing to do a wellness check on urianger but honestly hes fine hes living it up in the sand. hes doing fine#- anyway can someone do a wellness check on ysayle(?).#- i've unlocked flight in a couple zones! thankkk god. some of these places are ROUGH to navigate without it sometimes.#- my keybinds are rough. also i have a gauge now. havent gotten to use it bc of level sync but anyway this feels like school#dont worry chat i only do duties with other real players when i Literally Have To Because They Make Me#- anyway. very ? about what theyre going to do with the rest of this story. intrigued. and quite sleepy i must say.
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same soup... different day
#hello it is sarah in the tags again#i feel like i tell myself i'll actually use this as a blog and then i forget and then i remember and then i forget again#venting ahead if that is not ur jam (talking to the 2 followers who actually see my posts)#i like tumblr because it;s so removed from my personal life that it feels really like a place i dont have to be anything for anyone#anyway i've been wondering if i should go back to therapy again but i feel like they might get tired of me because i keep bailing and comin#back like an addict lol like i swear i'll commit this time! sike. ghost be upon ye#anyway this time i'd come in for the big D#i don't like the floor it just feels closer to being six feet under and a bit like where i belong#i feel like a great number of things have happened in the past year and i've met all of it with a very lukewarm sense of dread and anxiety#its not even about feeling happy i dont even think i can feel shaken by anything. i feel like people see my apathy and think it's confidenc#anyway im not going back. they always say the same thing. can't do shit about shit life syndrome. and i don't want pills i'm so sick of the#isn't it something that i'm especially depressed the day before i start my new job? it's a tradition at this point. cheers#isn't it cruel that everyone in my life seem to put me on some kind of bizarre pedestal and no one questions my decisions or authority and#i battle with myself to figure out if i'm doing the right thing (no one will tell me the truth they are all scared of me getting angry)#was talking with a friend about how it'll be if i join their group project in a module we're taking soon.#and she's like well isn't it obvious? everyone will just listen to whatever you say and we'll end up doing well.#no one would challenge you because you're always right. and it's like.. yeah. i guess. okay. (hate that i know she's not wrong)#lol can u tell this is why house is kind of getting to me. learning lots of things about myself watching that man commit medical malpractic#anyway. i didn't ghost my therapist this time i remember now. she left the clinic lol she asked me to connect on linkedin. that was amusing#i always feel like the therapists here never know what to do with me and i kind of have to hold their hand a bit through my psyche#also they seem to be a bit at awe of me which is a bit annoying. and i know that definitely sounds like Issues but it's just like#ugh not you too. please stop i'm sick of it i'm sick with it. i don't want you to be inspired by my awful life and how i handled it#and i have nothing to say for it but... *gestures vaguely* of all of this
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ok i am actually so very angry and there's literally nothing i can do to fix it. life keeps going on. she might even be happy. and fuck dude, i'll make sure im happy too, i was a fully developed person before she was in my life and i'll continue to be one without her. but God Damn, the fact that she can just do something so blatantly awful and unfair to me and then run off without any actual repercussions is just so fucking rankling to me.
like perhaps she feels guilty. she said she did when it was all going down. but it was just something she "needed to do". so obviously she didn't feel guilty enough or she wouldnt have done it like that lmaoooo
i really did deserve to have a good solid yell at her. but unfortunately, by the time i did see her in person i just wanted her out of my fucking life. so. no yelling was done, unfortunately.
#speculation nation#the duality of being a deeply resentful and angry person. and being a person that Tries to be mature and peaceful.#like im not gonna actually Do shit even tho i keep wanting to message her just to yell at her some more again#it's like there's a beast in me that keeps yelling for retribution. she wronged me in such a disrespectful and humiliating way#and yet she just gets to walk away like it was nothing? live her life like it was nothing?#be in 'love' with her new 'soulmate' after cutting me off like a rotten limb?#i feel so DEEPLY angry. i want to spit vitriol and fire. i want to dig my claws into her bones. make her really FEEL how i feel.#i want to wander into her dreams and make her experience what i felt. every miserable second of silence.#the humiliation of admitting you might be falling in love only to be told you were never loved at all.#and i want to knee her in the gut and spit in her face and really make her regret ever fucking wronging me#but unfortunately im a stupid fucking pacifist so all the aggression and anger and violence has no FUCKING outlet#ive been. trying to not think about it too much. ive been trying to just live my life. because i dont want her to run my life.#but the anger keeps catching up to me. filtering in when i dont expect it. endless constant fucking thoughts coming back to me#on and on and on and on i live and i eat and i read and i game and i hate and i hate and i hate and i hate and i hate and i HATE AND I HATE#the greatest injustice is that i cannot make her truly feel every single ounce of my resentment and anger#it's so overwhelming i think i could choke on it. and she gets to live her FUCKING happy little life with her stupid fucking 'soulmate'#i hope it collapses around her and she loses her too so she's single and alone and miserable and regretting all of her fucking impulsivenes#she deserves to have it fail after what she did to me. and all i can really do is hope that karma has its fucking kiss for her.#if only curses were real. what i wouldnt give to put some energy into that karmic payback lmfao.#ok . ok ok ok ok love and peace on planet earth. i am shifting out of vitriolic little shit mode.#just had to let some of the steam out. im still angry but i am going to go back to not thinking about it.#i think i should go on a nice long bike ride tomorrow. to decompress and work some of the steam out.#it's something that she can never take from me. something that is so wholly mine. fuck that stupid bitch and fuck her new girlfriend too#...............................ok NOW im shifting out of vitriolic mode. lol#negative/#WAHOOOOOO i am certainly not taking this breakup well. but i dont think anyone would be lmfao.#all things considered i think im doing a pretty great job at handling this breakup.#bc at least im only recounting unrealistic threats and fantasies on my tumblr dot com instead of messaging Any of this to her.#i may kinda want her to read it so that she knows anyways. but i wont message her directly. bc i am Trying to be at least a little mature.#complaining on my tumblr dot com so i dont message my ex with more vitriol. gotta cope Somehow.
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my hxh experience is also very confusing bc i started watching it like 2+ years ago at my partners apartment, but then i think we stopped for a bit / we moved around a bit, and kinda just never got back to it. then a while after we moved in with each other wayyyy later we eventually picked it back up and then this time in dub form bc it's easier for me to focus if i dont have to try and read everything quick enough and also see whats happening jfkldshg so it was like
sub version watched up through like halfway through york new auction arc or whatever
[2+ YEAR LONG GAP???]
picking right back up exactly in the midway spot where we left off, now in dub, i cannot remember Jack Shit and have to keep asking my partner [who has seen/read it before] what's going on and who everyone is every 5 seconds. there are so many characters and i remembered like 6 of them at best fdhjvlksjldhg. killua's grandpa and dad showed up like an episode or 2 after we picked it back up and i was like who are these guys. where did they come from. tbh being told who they were didnt help bc i still didnt understand why or how they were there dfshjfghjgf
#and then they did it again in chimera ant arc.... where did killuas dad come from since when was he in on the plan#AND WHERED THEY GO. I HAVENT SEEN THEM COME BACK SINCE THEN.... did they actually leave this time... i dont know#also dude i miss netero :[ we r like a couple episodes after the big mega heart attack explosion thing#i love a cool old man#i still struggle to remember peoples names bc god there are SO many characters#but chimera ant arc is so long that you at least spend a lot of time with them so theres some names ive eventually learned#but im still me so i cant tell you how many times i called meleoron 'lemeleon'#it's like pokemon with him i cant. remember it very clearly and i mix it up hardcore#other people i just cant remember at all so im like uhhh. ponytail guy <- which barely narrows it down they keep finding ponytail guys....#nobunaga.... shoot.... some other guy i think. actually maybe not that many idr LOL#dont even get me started on the spiders. it took me forever just to get nobunaga lol#there are soooo many of them and i had forgotten the first chunk we'd watched after the irl timeskip#so i was in realtime trying to recall who eveyrone was while they were doing shit and it was REALLY CONFUSING#i really need to restart from the beginning but im gonna wait til we finish the anime lol#oh also i like. completley forgot illumi or w/e was doing the hunter exam with hisoka in that first arc#bc literally theres like ONE or two brief moments in. idk if it was greed island or right before it#where hisokas like yeah i calld a friend. and illumis there like 🧍#and i was like he knows killuas brother??? theyre friends???#bc i just had no memory of them interacting before fdlkhgjkf#i like kinda forgot illumi existed til then i think jdkslf or maybe when he was haunting killua idr#actually we went back and watched part of an episode when killua was w/his family#bc i couldnt remember ANYTHING i was like. why was he there again. dont they suck or something. what happened.#and tbh. i still dont get what their vibe is hwhwhfhehg#things to revisit once i get out of the ant pit
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i miss having time for fandom😔
#btw i forgot to mention i went to see saw x recently#i went to a dead mall after work and i was COMPLETELY by myself in the theater it was the best ever#movie was also the best!! no spoilers but def up there w/ saw n saw vi#but anyway. kinda on that note watching saw has p much been the only halloweeny thing ive had time for this month. sigh#i hate how much of my time work takes like when i come home i have to take care of shit n shower n eat and then its already 8pm#so i only have a couple hours before i gotta go to bed to do it all over again#even if i have a couple hours its not enough to draw :( i miss drawing#ive been working on some oc stuff at work and by that i mean thinking of lore and drawing quick doodles on receipt paper#but thats abt it lol#weve been catching up w/ the great north (god its so good. i forgot how damn good it is)#n bobs burgers n the simpsons. and theres still more were behind on#but i miss it!!! i miss drawing fanart and my faves n my sonas lmao!!#especially my simpsona😔 2020 was something id never had that much lore for a sona#AND I MISS IT!!!!!!#ughh dont mind me just been on my mind a lot#stupid capitalist hellscape
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