#so bad you dont understand but where the fuck did my money go and why is my wallet empty SOBS)

[mondaymelon]

RAHHHHHH HIHIHIIIIII MELONNN <33

"i had a good dream that i thought was going to be very silly but then the ending was sad and i woke up and was like WAIT NO IT CANT END LIKE THAT . so i reworked the plot in my head and tried to go back to sleep to continue and fix the dream but wegh it didnt work... SOBS."

STOP WAIT I DO THAT A LOT TOO LIKE its like oh no i dont like this scene BOOM rewind! noooo the story cant end like that TRY AGAIN! ueueueueue thats so sad why didnt it work ueueue sobes with you also. FICTIONAL CHARS APPEARING IN YOUR DREAMS IS SO REAL HELP i rmb once i watched a fan animatic of xiao playing the kazoo n that night i dreamt that he was playing a saxophone which sounded like a kazoo n i was throwing confetti n paper money at him,, i hope he appears in your dreams soon i think it will be a very interesting dream hehe.

ALSO. AKABANE KARMA??? HELLO?????? when is it my turn smh. ...vox... akuma.... his cooking streams were the death of me omfg AND WHAT. HYUNJIN AND BEOMGYU??? WHAT. 😀 that was a very interesting dream CRYING they THREW CEREAL AT YOU ?? i.. i won't ask any further. mhm.

THE HEADBOPPING WITH LIGHTS OFF IS SO REAL HAHAHKJDHFKS but for me it's more like my brother walking in on me aggressively bopping to music and walks straight out :'D fun times!

japanese is a nightmare i tell you. i am quite effectively illiterate in japanese sobs n falls to the ground HAHAHSKLJFHLDSJK why. why does 怪我 and 怪我 mean different things WHY. (one is 'blame me' and one is 'injury') why is 娘 mother and daughter at the same time. why. 日本語話とても難しです。*weary noises* but duolingo is actually p good for building vocab i think !! YIPPEE!!

ok yes questions. im a kaeya [BEEEEEEP] i meant kaeya main. LOL i cant think of other fictional chars atm so i will just say!! fav genshin chars!! kaeya beidou ayato kazuha fischl furina kirara collei childe && uhm uhm i forgot the rest OMG YEAH 呵呵以后不想让任何人知道我们在谈什么就可以用华语🤭 RAHHHH i recently became absolutely obsessed with modern family i think its really funny && animes! uhhhhhh spyxfam! campfire cooking! senko-san! the genius prince! my next life as a villainess! parallel world pharmacy! and i forgot the rest! HAHAHAHA ooh ooh okok adding on!! what are the top 3 items on your bucket list for 2024?

giggles loudly back at you HAHAHKJSKJF i get loads of bye-lingual moments though,, (forgot the word for tissue in all 4 languages but somehow knew it was spelt taschentuch in german) & yeahh i switch a lot w my brothers esp when we wanna say stuff we don't want people understanding (read: parents) && normally it's mandarin with parents + english sometimes!! yippee!!

NAH CAUSE THeRE WERE. TWO KARMAS. SOBBING. DONT ASK ME WHY BUT HE HAD A CLONE AND THEY WERE BOTH ROMANCING (?) ME?? idk. that dream was a blur and i dont remember it anymore UGHSDJK

the vox. the vox one. i remember. so vividly. i was a vtuber and we were playing minecraft and i did something super cool and funny and the next day there were clips about me and i sobbed wtih joy and then i woke up in my hotel and laid there for a solid half hour questioning if that was real and knowing it wasnt but praying it was. sobs.

wAI WAIA RYUU ARE YOU. ARE YOU A KPOP FAN. STARES AT YOU. SHAKES YOUR SHOULDERS VIOLENTLY if you are. fave groups and biases pretty please. i am in love with skz + txt + enhypen. E E E EE. E E JFSDODJkldlkjlajs biases are hyunjin (big surprise) n miho, txt bias is beomgyu (another crazy, wild, surprise!!) and honestly i cant choose with enhypen but im sorta leaning towards ni-ki rn... e e e e

dont be shy ryuu. whats the redacted. :) aaa for me fave characters... wai have i already said this idc uhm uhm xiao + kaveh + gorou + dori + nahida + venti + furina + fischl + oh so many more. ik some people dislike dori but she just wants the mula and honestly girl same LMAO

ooo spy x family is the silliest!! (have you seen buddy daddies).. for me im watching several things at once rn but its the apothecary diaries, the eminence in the shadow, and migi n dali !! these are all still airing rn so im having a silly time

uhhodkoadsfd tbf i dont really have a bucket list... if we're talking abt small goals ig its just to get good grades cause of my asian parents, to improve my art, and to finally bring my smau out of its stalemate cause i havent touched it in months and i feel bad abt it... sjdflkd

help when i talk with my brother about things we dont want our parents to hear we cant speak in mandarin cause they know it so we just replace the first letter of every word with b except for some few select examples

like. "brek babing bot bis bere" is shrek's bathing spot is here and dont even ask me why i wouldnt be able to tell you LMAO

and "b-b-b-b-b-beer" is like how are you or soemthing along those lines. my brain fries every time we attempt to speak in bod (dont ask why we named it that either i cant tell you too my brain is empty) and WOADOJFOS SAME HERE !!! uhalkdf hmm more questions... do you read any manhwa / manhua and if so which. because i NEED MORE MANHWA READERS IN MY FEED PLE. A S E

[waywardsalt]

hiiii i snapped again long rant abt totk's shit story under the cut

i hate totk's story so fucking much this was going to be a much longer post but i do not care i hate how it relies so much on the player already giving a damn and hardly does any work to make you care any more, i hate how link's sheer lack of any indication of how he feels about anything beyond basic reactions to his environment just makes him feel like a nothing character in the story, i hate how zelda was sanded down to be just perfect and inoffensive and dutiful, i hate how sonia literally existed to motivate rauru and zelda, i hate how ganondorf, despite having the most interesting animations and being the most entertaining character, had such nebulous motivations and lackluster connection to the actual world he's in, i hate how any character arc that existed was so vapid and shallow, i hate how it seemed so afraid to do literally anything complicated with its themes or characters, i hate how nothing important changed in any meaningful way, i hate how fucking insulting it feels when it's come after stories like ocarina of time, majora's mask, twilight princess, skyward sword, wind waker, pretty much any of the other fucking zelda games and is fucking $70 and yet its story and characters just feel worse than anything that came before it. i watched the scene of link and zelda meeting back up for the first time in skyward sword and the emotion from both link and zelda and the sense of history between them the dialogue manages to communicate and how it relates back to the rest of the story and while i loved it it also just made me so mad how this game's hd version came out before totk and totk just was so much fucking worse despite all of this proof that they could do otherwise

[roachemoji]

[gffa]

Im having tons of fun crawling all over your dick grayson tag and checking out the comics you've commented on. Batman year one:scarecrow has to be my favorite bbydick and bruce dynamic lol, but also if my dad nerve pinched ME to keep me out of the fight idve gone ballistic immediately upon waking. Betcha dick made *very sure* bruce could never keep him out of a fight that way again (though i didn't quite understand what dick meant when he said he feared batman in a godfearing way? Like its a raw as hell line but i dont quite get what he meant)

Excellentttttt, there's a lot of really fun Dick Grayson comics out there, and that one is just an absolute joy. (I would also recommend One Bad Day: Mr. Freeze, because I think it captures the same feral gremlin angel baby energy of Year One: Batman/Scarecrow! But also Robin & Batman. And Batman: Dark Victory.) The art combined with the dynamic is just so top-tier:

Dick just REFUSING to be serious about Bruce's cranky moods!

Dick casually flinging himself upside down on the couch while talking to Bruce! Refusing to let Bruce snipe at him, he's serious about this, too, you know! What's making you such a pill tonight?

Dick scooting under Bruce's arm to get a better look at some evidence in their case, like he's so little! And he just WRIGGLES RIGHT IN THERE, absolutely no thought for personal space! Or leans his head right on Batman's arm to get a closer look! And that's something that will continue even when he's big as an adult, he has never met personal space of a loved one that he would not casually violate!

Hopping up on the table to curl up with his arms around his knees, like he's not a tiny baby child, and going, "Bruce, seriously, something's wrong, talk to me." as if he's the adult in this situation while sitting there like a TINY BABY CHILD.

Leaving money for a guy they just beat up!

Bruce PICKING HIM UP BY THE SCRUFF OF THE NECK like he weighs nothing, like he's just a pet cat to haul out of harm's way!

Dick trying to flirt with the receptionist and Bruce LOOMING with a cracking knuckles gesture, like if you even THINK about taking this tiny baby child seriously about how he's offering a date, it will not end well.

THEN MOVING DICK OUT OF THE WAY BY PUTTING ONE HAND ON HIS FACE AND SHOVING, I love Bruce, he's awful and the best.

Dick noticing details and asking really good questions, like that kid may not be as trained as Bruce is yet, but it definitely shows he had a natural affinity for detective work, that he's probably genuinely one of the best detectives out there after Bruce himself!

But also the "god-fearing way" and the nerve pinch lend it some nice crunch, because those moments (for all that this is a genre where these things should NOT be taking totally seriously, this is comics) are really kind of fucked up. I think, while Dick doesn't fear Bruce as a person, he can see the person Bruce is underneath the persona, there's part of him that understands Bruce is not always in control of himself and he does things he later regrets because of it. The whole mini is undercurrented with Bruce being in a bad mood, being surly and snapping, beating up people with more force than needed, slamming tables in his frustration, not talking things out. Dick sees how that plays out, it's why he keeps needling Bruce to talk to him--and Dick's not going to let any of that hold him back, he clearly feels safe enough to tease Bruce, to wriggle in under his arm, to lean on him, to snap back at him. But he also knows that Bruce can do things that are terrifying. He fears that Bruce is going to shut him out. He fears for the people in Batman's way. He knows Bruce will regret those things, but when Batman swoops down on someone he sees as being in his way, that's terrifying, like a wrathful, vengeful god. He's not really bothered by the nerve pinch, he gets why Bruce did it, and it hardly slowed him down that much. He understands that it was Bruce's way of protecting him, because he didn't want Dick to get hurt, but also I think Dick probably sees it as a challenge--to avoid it or overcome it again in the future, it's good training! Like, what a beautiful, wonderful, sweet, fucked up dynamic those two have! What a hilarious feral gremlin child he is, what an incredible "the child has to be just as mature as the adult, sometimes more mature" deliciously awful dynamic that is! Anyway, if any of you others enjoy Batman comics, please read Year One: Batman/Scarecrow, it is so funny and delightful and fucked up in a way I'm not sure it meant to be but sure is tasty as hell!

[neenerisms]

enough rambles has gotten me to this point and the time has passed. the bear s4 wishlist right now.

(quick note these all dont have to happen in the same plot LMAO. its more of a "if at least ONE of these things happen, i'll be happy!" thing)

i'm starting this out on a rough foot: carmy and syd argument. it has to happen. i was serious about that when i said in a previous post. in each other's faces and everything. i need us circling back to the s1 vibes right now.

add on: this argument needs to be what prompts syd to leave. i need that whole crew seeing carmy as a bad guy for a few days. white boy loss!

more richie lore. more berzatto lore. more syd lore. all three. in terms of berzatto lore i'd fucking kill to know about their dad tbh. richie lore? i need to know how he got so close to the berzattos. there's obviously something going on in his family to why he's never seen with them. syd lore? ohhh so much shit i wanna know. her family! the catering! little backstory on her tats! storer don't even give me the fucking season if i don't get a syd centric episode.

i also really want a mikey centric episode too!! i understand that he's supposed to haunt the narrative, but i really want to see something about him rather than it just being "oh shit! mikey! anyways—".

marcus/syd/luca trio friendship. look, i have a lot that i want but i need this at the most. getting a scene where they all cook and shittalk carmy is something that will get me through the day.

i can feel the tomato that's about to be tossed at me, but carmy has to apologize to claire. the way i see it, he has three main people he needs to apologize to: her, richie (no, the one he did in ep 1 does not count. it was half-assed and he's more worried about the fact he did it rather than fixing the problem.) and syd. in my mind, i don't think he's ever going to get the balls to apologize to the other two if he doesn't apologize to her first. (or it might be flipped to where he cant apologize to her until he learns how to apologize to those two, but i'd prefer the former to be honest!)

rough foot p2: imo the bear can't come out in one piece. whether it's because of a bad review, jimmy running out of money as a whole so it can't get it funded anymore or, i semi remember someone saying burn it down. (which? i'd weirdly like??? i'd be devastated as fuck if that happened but also...i'm really interested to see the comeback from that.) i just need a wakeup call for carmy for the overall state of the kitchen. (also because i just DON'T see the show ending with it being like "and they did fine dining forever!" it just feels disappointing to end it that way, especially if the sandwich window is apparently doing way better than the restaurant itself...take us back to the roots!! or something!!)

the bear's timeline is so fucking confusing to the point i don't know what's the current date in the show right now (i've been assuming somewhere in between july-august?) so this one is less than likely to happen but i want them to go to some kind of award thing so bad...james beard or something else i don't fucking care, just give me the group in formal wear please. (extra points if this the only time they're bonding after a while!)

i'm not really into shipping culture like that w/ this show (aka idc who gets with who as long as they're happy.) BUT sydcarmies should at least be allowed a win with the way carmy apologizes to syd. i really want it to be somewhere personal and i hope it includes well—food. drop the collaborative dish while they talk in syd's apartment, thank you. (cause it's gonna leave a sour taste in my mouth if they're uncomfortably distant for life.)

lastly, don't give me anymore copenhagen flashbacks. don't get me wrong, i love seeing carmy happy but every time i read kitchen confidential, (which is mostly set in nyc) i just think "i wonder if carmy went through the same shit". more nyc carmy please if we're going to get flashbacks on past culinary experiences! it doesn't even have to be about fields, but i really wanna see what happened in other places carmy visited.

i feel like that's all in my head for now? feel free to elaborate on these, it's just me spitting out random shit that's been in my head. (i might make a hc list soon? is that something people want????)

[starsoftheeye]

TMAGP Live Reaction - Ep 13

This probably won't be a regular thing since I usually listen to the new episodes on my way home from school, but I wanted to do it today and no-one can stop me

Pre-Episode

Aw this dedication is so nice, reminds me of how I used to sign off on social media when I was younger

Pre-Statement

omg samcelia date samcelia date

they're so cute omg

"she also said that you dont know how cute you are" alice dyer youre not fooling anyone

i wanna hear what this interaction sounded like between alice and celia

"nobody, i'm mysterious" this isnt gonna come back to haunt us im sure

omg samcelia dating reveal already

JACKS HER SON OMG

"wild couple of years after i moved here" does this mean that celias way of coping with being dropped in a different universe was to just fuck... iconic

either that or jack got brought along with her and shes just covering it up. or jack has some mysterious origins that we dont know about

omg a horror protagonists with loving, alive parents wow

i was not expecting sam to be this relatable oh no

sam :(

oh no an "incident"

alice :(

i love celia just being "i know we're on a date and thats great and all but what do you think about the Horrors"

ofc you know theyre real you lived through the apocalypse

ah hello lena and gwen

ah gwen is learning about the consequences of delivering a random address to a living mr blobby knockoff

ooh are we gonna get some exposition

yes we are

these are our Fears i presume

you work in the government responsible for discarding peoples experiences and traumas gwen you werent exactly one of the good guys to begin with

guys i dont think shes gonna sort it

Statement

hold music?? hello?? do we recognise this voice?? needles??

i cannot understand what the name of this company is but i do not like them

the autoresponder sounds so cunty who are they i must know

oooh a scottish guy we love a scottish guy

"i pay your wages" sounding ass. telling the autoresponder that youre the highest investor in a gambling app isnt the flex you think it is dude

i think if a website that directly involves the handling of your money does "weird background checks" and has a "janky interface", staying is less of a feat of loyalty and more a feat of stupidity

oh this guy does nfts for sure

are you allowed to blame the warning you didnt listen to for the consequences?

oh his friends suck too

damn all jokes aside i feel bad for this dude

ohhh so is this like the dice where things can only get so good before they go terribly? or is it like a "when your life gets bad your money goes up" thing

ah its the second option

tbf if its not against the law its not against the law

this guy is the definition of "20 pounds is 20 pounds"

suddenly i dont feel as sorry for this guy

i have a sneaking suspicion that this guy did not get his money

oh nevermind

OOOOOOH NEVERMIND THAT NEVERMIND

huh

HUH

DID THEY SEND A CREATURE TO GET HIM WHAT

Post-Statement

Alice!!

Ooooh he got pished

Alice really out here dissing every kind of date I've ever been on

oh no :(

sam no :(

sam apologise please

shes right tho youre in the wrong place if you don't want weird

alice :(

this is why a polycule would fix everything

alice i love you

sam i love you but you deserved that

[distinguishedvoidkid]

TW for a big chunk of text and venting (about Halloween)

dont read this

I've often wondered what it is like to celebrate Halloween. I've missed out on well over a decade's worth of one of the most popular celebrations.

How exciting is it to finally have your newest costume arrive in the post? Or to finish making it? Do you buzz with excitement while getting dressed up? How often do you practice that make up look? How much time, effort and money went into that? It doesn't even matter does it? You live in the moment and you enjoy it. This is commonly known as the one night each year when you can dress however you want and not be judged. How freeing is that? Do you still feel insecure? Do you still feel judged? I doubt it. I bet you feel stunning.

And how is it to knock on a stranger's door and ask for sweets? Does all of your normal anxiety wash away on Halloween? What is it like to reach into that bag of sweets? What's it like to spread your sweets out on your bed at the end of the night and count them? When you go back to school how excited are you to tell people what you got? When people asked me, I felt worse. Because I never experienced that.

It's so lonely, not being able to celebrate. I've never been popular- I'm autistic. Ever since I was a tiny child, I've been different. This was followed up by years of bullying and loneliness. And to stop that child from celebrating Halloween? Going trick-or-treating is so normal, so fun. And that's the one night where you can't be hated for being weird. And you didn't let that little kid experience that. Hell, you didn't even let them look out the window at it. You turned off all the front lights so nobody knocked, and if they still did, you taught me to ignore it and hate it.

How many memories have I missed out on? Do people even realise how much it hurts? My best friends, my partner, everyone I love is showing me their beautiful costumes. What do I say? "Oh, that's nice, I'm so happy for you.". You don't know that each picture, each message, feels like my heart is being ripped out again. I could be there with you. I could be out celebrating all night. No. I'm not allowed. I feel so selfish for being jealous, but should I feel selfish? This is a near-universal experience and I won't be able to understand it until I'm "too old" to do it.

Fuck my parents. Fuck their religion. Why do I have to miss out on such a magical experience because why? Because you don't want me to, you disapprove of it. Sorry, my bad. I won't even show you this cute art of a ghost I saw, because even that makes you dislike me.

I am so lonely. I missed out on all of 'Spooky Season". missed out on Halloween. I missed out on seeing my friends. I missed out on my costume, on trick-or-treating, on pumpkin carving, on handing out sweets. Good for you.

And nobody even cares? Nobody sees how difficult it is to be excluded like this? They can't imagine an autumn without Halloween. They don't understand, they just think it's weird. They might insult my parents or call me weak or too scared. They don't try and include me. This year on Tumblr is the closest I've got to celebrating Halloween, with a bunch of people on the internet, but Inbox Trick-or-Treating doesn't exactly cut it. I'm still so grateful to everyone online who included me this year, but I'm still so lonely.

And I was actually home alone all afternoon. From 14:00 to 20:45 I was home alone. Where was my family? Oh, they were at a party. An ANTI-HALLOWEEN PARTY. A Christian party. My mum works at a church. They had a lot of fun but that religion traumatised me too much to go. So I was alone for the entire time Halloween was celebrated. No friends- they were out, no family- they don't give a fuck, just me on the internet, spiraling.

Sorry.

[beesmygod]

Yeah I pretty much agree however I take a little issue with saying they are raking it in. Going off the numbers you used 12k time 5 is 60k, minus 45% is 33k. Thats one persons salary. Not a bad salary, but just one. Id bet that the 5 dollar tier probably brings in the most money, but even if we assume each tier brings in 1 salaries worth of money, how many tiers do they have? 5? 8? Youtube adds couldnt have been a major source of income for them if they were willing to pull videos off youtube. And this little fermi problem were doing here doesnt even touch on production costs. Again, I do agree with your points, but I think the boys were in a no win scenario. They were probably hurting for money, which is what motivated this. Its a shame some fans think they are being greedy when they probably just want to expand, while still paying their employees above market rate!

presumably the majority of their tax payments would be write offs or deductions because it's directly for the business. wait lol hold on my patreon math was fucked. its been a while since ive looked over the fees rates and shit. where did i get 30%. it's closer to 20.

i dont know when their patreon started, but its possible that they have the sweetheart deal that i do because i got in early. patreon fees range from 5% to 12% depending on which plan you choose. that's platform fees. then there's payment processor fees (2.9% + 0.30USD or 3.9% for outside the U.S.) and then a currency conversion fee (if applicable) and VAT (if applicable). closer to 20%. setting the record straight.

i think its unlikely that each tier brings in a salary's worth of income. im not sure i understand why they need an office in LA or large production costs considering my understanding is that most of what they do is talking to each other over a table.

im not sure why the conclusion is that youtube wasnt ever a source of income. it seems that it was (freakishly so, if its anything like other people at their scale) up until recently, due to complicated factors that i sincerely hope is heralding the end of advertising-based monetization.

it seems obvious to me that when money is tight, as would have been expected when let go from buzzfeed, you scale down and do a donation drive. instead of, you know, not throwing money into a guaranteed failure of an idea

if the audience feels like they're being nickeled and dimed its for a reason: they are

[gardens-of-may]

ENTRY TWO - chap. 23 to chap. 50

spoilers ahead

AAAAAAAAAAA

that was me singing opera

you wish you heard it

also i can’t stop talking in a british accent because guess is on repeat 

good lord jennifer 

😐😐😐

this book is getting BORING

caves are amazing 😑

WHY IS THERE A CHILD

is the child okay????

eughhhhhhb

fuck you child 

ugh him

I STILL DONT UNDERSTAND WHY THERES A CHILD

oop he’s fAcToTuM 

i’m sorry this book is getting more boring by the second 

*an hour later*

the boy’s a liar the boys a liar he doesn’t see ya he’s not think about blahhhh

idk

i’m also currently falling asleep rn so 😗

CHILD LABOR

I DESPISE CHILD LABOR

I HAVE CERTAIN TOPICS IM VERY PASSIONATE ABOUT 

AND VHILD LABOR IS ONE OF THEM

*days later* (i wasn’t lying when i said this book is boring)

okay good consent!!!

oop he knows

i thought i was smart for knowing the french

i didn’t know bonne chance meant good luck 😑

it’s like avery is nonexistent and i HATE it

because in the main trilogy, his presence was very shown

but i keep forgetting that avery’s even here because of this shitty narration 

oh hi gray

oh my god grayson in shorts would actually scar me

oh my god

that’s evil

and she’s such a saint 

i forgot that we’re dealing with his dad

oops

technically avery didn’t kill him

so what’s so bad about putting the evidence of what he did against avery out?

i love xander i miss him sm

bonjour!

sisters 

hehehe 🤭 

that’s true tho

sav and gray are very similar 

gray also likes to deny his feelings tho

same bro 😜

nash is the best 

ily him sm 

suspicious 

oh no

was gray told abt the devils mercy thing?

i don’t really know what whom is 

LYRA

AHAHAGAHHAHS

ISVTHAT LYRA

IM GONNA SCREAM

STOP

MY ABAY

IVE BEEN IN LOVE WITH HER SINCE I HEARD OF HER AND THIS IS THE FURST TIME I MET HER

OMG

ASSHOLE 😍😍

IT IS LYRA

IM LIT DYING

NEW CRUSH

she’s so funny

that’s one way to deal with mental health 

get a lyra!

no not shorts 😭

ughhhh

i love gigi

lemonade? too sweet?

oh shit

i js realized i can only imagine gray with a british accent 

the aaron warner effect

grayson davenport hawthorne

i find it hilarious that it’s in autocorrect 

“I am so sorry that Avery girl took all of your money,” one of the others said seriously.

“And chose your brother,” another one added.

“And broke your heart!”

“But not your spirit.” The bravest of the girls reached out and laid a hand on his arm”

HAHAHAHA 

stop it’s like a fanclub

what has gotten into me?

😟😟😟

she isn’t a bitch 

her future is probably brighter than your fucking phone screens

oh yeah i forgot

gigi doesn’t know who he is

GIGI NO

GOOD LORD NO

no he is not your boyfriend or anything like that 

GIGI STOP

GIGI UGHHHH

THAT IMPLICATION ISBT 

SAVANNAH IS NIT A BITCH

gigi what cleavage?

gray’s reaction tho

NASH 😍😍

i’m in the rural rn

an ode to nash 

cupcake a palooza? 

ohhhh

WHAT

tallllll

as a 5’5 girl anything above 6’ is tall

seems ugly 

NOOOOO

FUCKING BITCH

UGHHHHHH

THAT BACKSTABBING BITCH

ARGHHHHH

USNT SHE RICH NOW?

a flashback? NOW???

TREE HOUSE YAY 

how tall was jamie at ten?

that’s so mean

yeah what about nash ?

he’s amazing 

okay gray might be perfect and xander can think outside the box but jamie is good at taking and measuring risks 

is that a skill? i don’t know 

js triggering pain and insecurities atp

wait they’re supposed to lose

ohhhh

okay so the point of the flashback is to show why he’s doing what he’s doing

wait what did he do?

ZELLA IS THE PROPRIETOR 

I BET

BET

mr. hawthorne js has a aura that is 

you know

i js read smth kinda sad and it lowk ruined the vibe 

ANYWAY

oh

i had hoped the proprietor was zella

ALREADY KNOW WHAT YOU GOT GOING ON DOWN THERE

sorry 🙂

THE HELL JAMIE

i forgot avery and jameson weren’t married 

i don’t know why i thought they were

GODDAMN JAMIE

oh shut the fuck up

this feels so wrong

WHAT

WHAT DO YOU MEAN 

brother?

ARGHHHHH

UGH

not this

where’s nash then?

AUGGHBBBBBB

EVE THAT FUCKING BITCH

what does that bitch want? 

a boyfriend? not even once she’s six feet under

WHY ARE YOU SYCH A CREEP???

“my existence?”

your existence pains everyone 

AHHHHH

i love gigi

oh shit

😳

anywayyyyyyy

LYRAAAAAAA

oh my god

hmmm

THATS SLATER???

BITCH IS UGLY AS FUCK

i love gigi 🥰

“prone to eyebrow arching, very fond of imperative sentences, blond and broody.”

how cute?

NO IT JUST GOT GOOD

WHAT TGE HELL JAMIE

WHAT HS WRING WITH YOU

i’m gonna kill you 

“oN tHe cOnTrArY-” shut the fuck up

ugh 

that’s terrifying 

i hate him

awwww i love avery tho

I HATE YOU 

WHAT

I THOUGHT THAT IT WENT 

nash > gray > jamie > xander

i think im used to leo

“privileged, prep school boy”

ughhhh

HE WON

i didn’t think he would

oh shitttttt

😣😣😣😣

i’m not describing this

good lord jameson

risk?

OM MY GSIF

oh yeah

his brothers are gonna kill him 😀

why would you purposefully do this to yourself?

that’s cute rohan, but i don’t think so

heheh 🤭 

bitch

what did you do in prague jameson? what?

no you did not 

MMMM-

oh nooooo

AGHGHBBBVBVVVVVVBHHH

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED IN PRAGUE???

gigi no

ajaksjjw he’s your brother you cannot date him 😭

that weirded me out even typing it

GIGI SYOP

HAHAHAHA

SAV AND GRAY NO

your imaginary girlfriend okay

(it’s me guys)

limes

our forever is limes

mhm

not like that

huh (i took a break if you couldn’t tell)

OH FRIENDLY WAY

UGHHHHH

FUCKING BASTARD

acacia is more of a mom to gray than fucking skye will ever be

good lord

UGHHH

NOW???

anw eight years ago everyone 🙂

this is so traumatic 

yay

[forsakenmissives]

just need to work this all out

ok so im unemployed fresh college grad atm and ive got job apps sent in and even an interview lined up but that interview is in the town my dad is in so im staying with my dad but in the time ive spent waiting for that date ive been with an employment agency but the job that place sent me to was the absolute worst and my mental health has plummeted to the point that i’m getting physically sick both bc of the job and bc i feel like i have to keep looking over my shoulder with my dad right there.

i skipped work saturday and today which is insanely immature but i cant think im struggling to sleep and eat bc of this and today i emailed the agency saying i wish to end our agreement. they said they wished i gave a notice (tbf i thought i had when i was like “i’m moving away” on saturday.. but whatever. actually not whatever — that shouldntve been discounted and im not entirely at fault here) but that they wish me the best and i said thank you and sorry for the inconvenience.

earlier last week when i told dad this job is really bad for me he told me to stay working there until i get another job secured. i did not do that and now im terrified of telling him that i quit bc i dont know what hes going to do plus i dont want to talk about it with him i just want to be left alone

also this interview ive got lined up is for a really great company however i dread working there bc that means i have to stay with dad. i want to go back to where i used to live. also i dont like that one of the high up workers there is friends with my dad. being a nepo baby is great unless the nepo comes from my dad. i dont trust him to not keep tabs on me and i dont want him knowing what ive been doing or where ive been. not that im doing anything illegal i just want him to fuck off, yknow?

all of this leads back to the problem ive always had in that hes a huge control freak who needs to know everything going on in my life and i cant escape. my mom got out through the divorce but im still stuck here and i cant leave either bc even if i cant breathe with him and his wife and their kids i love my paternal grandparents and aunt and uncle. im just so paranoid and anxious and i feel like i cant breathe

im so sick of disappointing people but also the stuff my dad is proud of me about is stuff im not that proud of. its like i just cant win with him.

oh and paranoia aside i dont want to owe him anything bc he used to ignore me for months despite me calling and messaging him constantly (to the point that my mom was like “do you even love me? do you even want to be here do you even care?”) when he took me out for dinner one of the times he decided to acknowledge me he said he’d pay for a field trip (past the time the fee was due so i had to get special permission from the teacher) then the next week he said i only talk to him when i need money so actually no hes not giving me anything. WHAT. and then a couple years later he was like “i never got to be your parent you never let me be your dad :(“ and when i was like “why” he was like “i had to always go have fun with you instead of discipline you bc i didnt want our time together to be all sad and me getting mad at you” like again. WHAT.

he said that bc i was like “i was rly hurt when you said i only come to u for money bc i reached out to u a lot and u never replied”. so. idk what to do with that but i still dont rly understand the argument from him here. but yeah i was like rly hurt and then he started crying talking about how he never got to be my dad even tho i was like 19 when this convo happened so he had 19 years to try and didnt and its rly unfair that im supposed to feel guilty for denying him this even tho i was the child and he had total control he could decide what to do with me and he chose wrong and now hes taking it out on me here in this restaurant. ok.

its so fucked cuz now im like so was i doing something wrong all those times we were tgt? like idk im just scared around him bc i dont ever know if im doing something wrong bc he wont tell me or maybe he will or maybe he . idk i just cant sit still yknow?

also his wife is racist and ive got to deal with microaggressions from her. and hes a pastor

anyway i just needed to get that all out there to feel a bit less crazy. thank you for coming to my ted talk ✌️😗

OH YEAH. and he makes me feel stupid all the fucking time like i dont need a job right now. i Should get one but i dont have a mortgage im not buying groceries i dont need to pay for insurance I DONT NEED A JOB. but he told me to stay in this shitass job bc i need it. dude it had me out in the sun all day (ALL DAY) paying $10/hr and had me coming home genuinely thinking about killing myself. not even bc of the physical labor but bc it was so under-stimulating like i was in my head all day no music no interesting surroundings no conversation nothing for me to solve. and he was all like “well sometimes we have to do work that we don’t like” YEAH I FUCKING KNOW DICKHEAD. my mom said he talked like that to her too and also apparently ok not to brag bc im fr not but im rly smart like im fucking brilliant and my dad always acted like it was bc of him but my mom’s other kids are also brill while my dad’s other kids are… theyre sweet kids and intelligence isnt everything im aware i know but its like “really dickhead?” i just hate how he belittles u and talks like ur dumb. im not dumb. dont piss me off

[thornsent]

it's very very funny (lying) that my ex Vagues Me In Tags Of Posts and CONTINUES to act like I am evil and bad and "not moving on" for talking abt the shit he did to me!!! yea it was inflammatory but there's not really a way to make "this guy is a serial liar + emotionally abusive + also rapes dogs maybe don't give him a platform where he can easily target more people" NOT inflammatory. I dont understand how on other websites people care abt that shit but here I guess it's fine as long as you make enough Funny Posts right?

innes entered a relationship with me in the direct aftermath (which he was 100% aware of, he'd been there for me the like. whole time.) of a relationship that was so abusive I fucking feared for my life

he EXPLICITLY did this because I was vulnerable & scared & needed someone to be there for me, and I'm betting he saw me as a means to an end, that end being "getting out of his abusive grandmother's house for good" bc while homeless I was on a multitude of waiting lists for public housing and other support like that. which he knew, bc I told him. I'd thought abt offering "hey do you want to be roommates" to him before we started dating but iirc he is the one who brought it up when we decided to start working on making it a reality

he would also lead me to pursuing some inheritance from my grandfather who passed away almost a decade ago now which was under the control of my father for Reasons. we were going to use it to buy a house together. the quantity of this inheritance cost my (pending, but I was several years into the process and SO CLOSE to receiving) SSI, cost me some other public assistance I was receiving too but that's the big one. I'm having to restart the entire process from the start now.

I saved and saved and saved for him. pre-inheritance I literally had set a fund aside, specifically to buy him plane tickets if shit ever hit the fan & also to help with other costs if needbe. I worked really hard to save that money through commissions & doing online transcription that only pays $6/hr. I worked and worked and worked and worked for that man.

I helped him get on food stamps, I was happy to help him find a good therapist, good doctor, everything. and then he just took a huge shit on everything I did and the entire relationship and I found out he'd been lying for almost 2 months abt seeing a therapist, and then when I got mad about being mistreated and lied to, that's when he started to act like I was this evil and malicious person. because I confronted him. because I didn't just sleep and let it happen. classic textbook abuser behavior

but even then at the time I didn't realize "hey this is abuse" bc I was just so caught up in it, I was so wrapped up around him and had planned my entire future around him. I don't think he EVER did the same for me, which was why it was so easy for him to repeatedly cheat on me, lie to me, and then decide he didn't want to be around someone with a pussy bc that would make him bisexual and he's a homosexual u see. his words not mine!

idk I think it's valid to maybe question the intent of someone who claims to be trans immediately after their ex calls them out for being abusive. especially when some of that abuse surrounded my own transness & gender identity. but I guess because I don't have fucking screenshots of phone calls and discord calls it ~didn't happen~, like way to continue the fucking gaslighting

[autogynocrat]

Autism anon from earlier, here are the supposed tells/abnormalities I have:

- eating food one at a time, rather than sampling a bit of everything. Say I have a plate with e.g. steak, rice, and carrots on it. I will eat ALL the rice, then ALL the carrots, then ALL the steak. I always figured this was normal, but apparently it’s a tell in kids

- I like making feelings “even” on both side. Like, let’s say I’m walking through a door and I brush my right hand on the doorframe. I’ll immediately touch my left hand to the doorway, or I won’t quite feel right.

- lists. Fucking lists. Excel spreadsheets. I make so many lists and spreadsheets and charts and I don’t even know what I’m doing with all this data. Collating things. Like I made this playlist once of just covers of this old song, and the playlist is eight hours and twenty eight minutes long, and I individually organized the songs by year. I didn’t do it all at once of course, it was a little at a time

- tendency to overexplain if I’m telling a story, even if I know the other person knows the info I’m telling. My sister pointed this out to me, that I do this. Let’s say I were to tell a story about work, I might lead into it with “so we get paychecks, right? Because that’s why we have jobs. Every couple weeks, we get these checks that have a momentary amount, as compensation for the work we did. If you work more hours, you get more money…” etc.

- tendency towards repetitive, compulsive behaviors. I once went a year only listening to one (1) album. While I like movies, I rarely watch new ones, I just rewatch the same few movies over and over again. Some movies, I nearly have memorized as a consequence. I once frequented a specific sushi restaurant so many times that I decided to stop going because I felt self-conscious, but I went back after a week and the lady behind the counter went “you wanted more sushi!” as soon as she saw me walk in. I’m very into ritual, like I’ll eat the same thing every day for a while. Or like, I’ve tried getting into anime, but I just rewatch the same anime instead of watching new ones. Regarding compulsive behaviors, there will be things where I’m like “I need to stop doing this because it’s bad/wastes time/is evil/whatever” and will still feel compelled to do it like some phantom hand is guiding me on a chessboard

- I cannot fucking talk to people. I have no idea how to fucking socialize. I cannot understand fucking social cues. I have sat in awkward silence with so many people so many fucking times, I’ve said the wrong thing so many fucking times

- I unintentionally verbalize my thoughts and talk to myself. It’s very fucking hard to just shut my mouth and keep it shut. Usually it’s a light whisper, if I’m alone I just talk. Or I’ll mouth words, like if I’m thinking or typing. I’m mouthing this right now

- I memorize a lot of trivial facts and will regurgitate them onto people. I guess that’s kinda infodumping? I don’t know, I wouldn’t call them hyperfixations though. I just read wikipedia a lot

You mentioned doing weird repetitive things with my hands, what kind of things? I do repetitive things with my hands too. I can describe it as like, I’ll press down each finger individually one after another with my thumb, then I make a fist with my thumb inside and squeeze and it cracks my fingers, then I do it with the other hand. I click my ankles too, over and over

I don’t know, you be the judge. Surely this isn’t normal at least. I’d say most of these I thought were normal, or at least were acceptable social quirks and not signs of anything greater

when i eat the sausage egg mcgriddle at mcdonalds i take it apart and eat each piece individually with a fork and knife. i dont do this with every food but some foods are too much things at one if you dont take them apart. for curry i dont eat the rice and curry seperate i need an equal amount if curry and rice on the fork with every bite otherwise its wrong. if i have an uneven amount of sauce and other food when i finish any food it really annoy me. the iced Machiato at mcdonalds i dont like it when they stir it ib prefer to drink the caramel milk layer and the espresso layer as separate layers.

making things even i relate to this i like to arrange all the square groceries in the comveyer belt so they're perfectly packed it is literally so fun when they're aligned perfectly edge to edge

im too disorganized to makelists but i love looking at them. also wikis. wikis are my favorite media format sometimes. spreadsheets can be so beautiful but i think well indented code looks cuter and more beautiful especially in an ide with colors

i dont think i over explain things unless its something im really into

i only listen to the same music over and over and over again until i get tired of it which is usually never. i already like my music why do i need more? mili is my favorite artist btw i like them bc they make cute songs and happy songs and sad songs and the themes in the songs are cool and i like momocashews voice. i repeat certain phrases alot for no real reason other than it feels good like i say "oh no how could this happen to me" alot in a silly voice i just like how it feels in my throat. i dont feel like im guided or controlled i wish i was controlled it would be easier for me. i do however feel like an npc in a bad videogame or simulation or something. ive kinda accepted that my job is a simulation tough and i pretend im an npc with no agency i just say my pre programmed lines and focus on being a good and efficient npc its like a videogame to me and it makes the day go by easier.

i cant talk to people either they have to talk to me first most of the time or i feel like i dont have permission to enter their social circle. also i usually dont know what to say an im afraid of people thinking im weirrd

i verbalize or post almost all my thoughts i usually talk to myself more when people arent around but i still do it when people are around too. if you ever see me making lots of small text posts im probably stream of consciousness posting im basically doing the digital version of vwrbakizing every thought that goes thru my head

i dont know if anything i said makes sense sorry for the long post

[doxerjinxx]

ed rant and si? Idk i get a lil off track snd depressing

alright i got my steps on lock, ive basically have 20k steps everytime i work. I at least get 10k eith ease so i really just need to develop a taste for healthy food. The shit i did last time wont cut it i need real energy, at least while im at work. I cant risk any dogs getting in danger cuz i want to fast. Ideally i will fast for my days off like if i had self control i couldve fasted from 6pm today-8am Saturday(38 hours) and not have my dogs at risk. Tomorrow i will attempt a 24+ hour one but who knows with me. My friends did want to go out shopping tomorrow so maybe we will swing by a grocery store and i can buy healthier foods to break fasts with. My familys going through a depressive episode so we dont have most of our shit together. my parents doordash more than anything else, We prolly spend a ton of money on it instead of groceries. Theres barely “food food” at the house just snacks and processed foods, we’ve doordashes the last 3 nights. Idk its stressful, and i cant tell my irl peoples cuz theyre all also going through alot. Nothing is going right for anyone, in my life, i hate what life has become. Eh what are you gonna do about it yk? Shit keeps happening whether im ok with it or not, only thing i cant cope with is being stuck here.

Is that where my need of control comes from? Ive felt trapped here for 8 years and i know ill be stuck here for more. Maybe ill live till 50 or 70 and still feel trapped and have felt that way for 70 years. i feel so wrong all the time, i dont know how to fix it and i cant rationally convince myself starving would make me feel better. idk what to do i just hate being stuck here

i hate my meds, they make me feel good enough that i don’t do my bad coping habits but im so nothing withouf them. Who will truly believe that if given the choice id end it tonight unless i punish my body? Idk why i think like this, i honestly dont even know why im so fucking uninterested in life. I dont understand whats the point in giving me life then not giving me the urge to want to keep it.

I lost my appetite again

[bisluthq]

This whole story is reminding me of how I found a few months ago that one of my closest friends had a pattern of DV with his gfs, and it made me realize how much of a problem society's conception of abusers is because there is this notion that its visible to be abusive or a bad guy or a creep and "i could always tell there was something wrong" and theres never any grey zones and victims are always perfect and never fight back or handle it in any way that could be suspicious and the abusers dont also have pain or good sides and everything is black and white.

And like, in my case with my friend, the abuser was this super charismatic sweet guy who was really there for me when my mother got sick and painted himself as a feminist and called out guys for like, not going down on their gfs or whatever, and he had this super fucked up childhood which he still suffered a lot from and which i really empathised with, and it took SO long for me to realize how manipulative he could be and how he was refusing to take accountability for his actions and always justified it to himself and kept hurting people, and even if the good sides were probably still there and the pain was definitely there, it did not excuse any of the stuff he did or make him a good person.

And so, that's why I feel like Justins pov is so important, because that point of view is so important to help people but especially victims to understand abuse, and its so underrepresented in media which is super harmful. So it sucks that Blake and Ryan didn't want to show this point of view

Firstly, I'm sorry your friend turned out to be a worse person than you thought. That's a tough thing to have to realise. Secondly... yeah. I don't think, unless the person is like a complete and total sociopath AND a sadist to boot, they don't have their own justifications for their behaviours? Ryle, from what I've read/seen, has a sad backstory that's led to him having a bad temper and he hasn't like... dealt with that. He is very sorry every time he hurts Lily but he keeps hurting Lily anyway. Your friend, as you say, has a sad backstory that's allowed him to justify shitty to downright abusive behaviours. But both of them have (internal) justifications (that don't excuse them)?

I also think it's worth thinking about how specific relationships can lead to specific behaviours/reactions/etc. Just because someone is a good friend, or a good family member, or a good colleague/boss and all that doesn't mean they can't be abusive to their partner. And fwiw other way round too - someone can be abusive as a caregiver or as a boss or be a really shitty and selfish friend to the point of being essentially abusive and be awesome in other settings. Also just because they were/are good to YOU even in that same capacity, doesn't mean they can't be terrible to someone else. Like just because your ex wasn't abusive when you were together, it doesn't mean they're not abusing their current partner or didn’t abuse an ex.

So yeah, I mean these are HEAVY and COMPLEX topics. I think Colleen is a shitty writer but fwiw she did kinda in her own shitty way want to try explain and show how women often stay in situations even where they can and should leave. I think Justin, for reasons that still escape me, felt that he could use her source material as a springboard for discussions on toxic masculinity and how men are also victims of patriarchy and DV more broadly (beats tf out of me why he chose this source material but let's roll with it for now). I think Blake thought looking cute in florals would be fun. And I think Ryan was looking at how to make the most money possible and also dislikes Justin lol.

Mess, mess, mess but like... profound theme actually.

[falsehopesidkanymore]

Tired. Just a vent. 7-7-24

All I can say is the way he constantly talks to me when we argue should've been a clear sign to stay away for good. I was ready to heal, it had been 2 months down and no contact, from being together for 11years and going through our bs, this was the longest we had not contact each other. And today, he had reminded me of the reason why I didn't want to contact him at all, I should not have answered his call, I should've had him blocked, but my dumbass always had this hope that he is still the same Chris I met in the beginning of our relationship. All he had to do was say the words I wanted to hear, "I miss you, I still love you etc." and with that, I found myself talking to him again, ready to try and start again for the millionth time.

This day was supposed to be a good day, we were leaving his moms place to get breakfast, he said "Who got breakfast this time, me or you?", I felt bad because he got food the last times, but I knew where I was at money wise, I recently quit my job and my new job dont start til August, I knew id have to work more uber eats and instacart delivery today just to make enough for my upcoming bills, if I was working it would be a different story and for sure I'd get us food, I always offer when I have money, but this time I suggested him and said "I think your richer than me right now", he agreed to get breakfast but said something along the lines of "how, when i been buying the food" to which I replied, "its because I got $600 monthly credit card bills on top that my other bills", we got in his car and he said "idk why you never listen to me" and suggested again that I file for bankruptcy, but I told him I already looked into it and decided to not take that route for reasons like: my car will get taken away, my credit will be bad for a couple years, itll be hard for me to get an apartment for a couple years etc., he said he can sell his car to me, and that the years will pass and its better to settle my debts, but I told him again that I already decided, and I dont want his car, I cant even drive stick, he called me picky, and kept insisting and giving me reasons as to why I should file bankruptcy.

I asked if we can just not talk about it anymore, he told me "im not the one who brought it up", I replied and said "you did actually" and he said "no, your gaslighting me right now", and I said "nope, you are the one who brought it up and is the one actually doing the gaslighting, I did mention my $600 monthly debt and you brought up the bankruptcy suggestion", he said im not making sense and was getting frustrated and I continued to try to make it make sense for him to understand it but he told me to "shut the fuck up already", and now at this point we are both mad at each other driving towards Mcdonalds, I told him to at least acknowledge it then ill be done with it bec its not right he tell me im gaslighting him when its actually reversed.

He kept saying that I should just shut the fuck up already and told me that im annoying, we were already at Mcdonalds drive thru at this point and I was so irritated at how he is speaking to me and told him i dont want anything anymore, & ofc I wasnt about to listen to his "STFUs", I made it clear that he should not tell me to stfu and that if he does im not listening and that I could speak when I want and that he needs to acknowledge that he called me a gaslighter when he was the one gaslighting me, he replied and told me that im too much, and im annoying and a bitch and that I really should just stfu, and I responded saying the same thing again, that no, thats not gonna work on me, im not going to shut up, he got his food and we drove out of mcdonalds.

I told him im done, were done and im not gonna take the disrespect again, he replied sarcastically "OooOohhh OoooOOkaAAaayy" as if to say im bluffing or that im just saying it and will still stick around (which I dont blame him for thinking this way bec its true, im always still around whenever he calls after our bs, my dumbass always has false hope), in response I said "im am done, fck this already, im just gonna go fuck someone else", I know it was wrong of me to say, but at the moment of anger and wanting him to see that I am serious, thats what came out my mouth, he called me a hoe and told me to go spread my legs and be a hoe, I told him that its actually him that is the real hoe when it comes to the opposite sex, I just say im gonna do things but he does the real action, brining up that everytime we break up he seeks validation of other women so quickly, finding out recently how quickly he downloaded Tinder again and even subscribed again and paid for the "tinder gold package", he said he never fucked anyone, but I told him that im not dumb and regardless if you didnt, thats what tinder is for, setting up a plan to eventually do it, I havent fucked anyone other than my ex at Saipan & in Hawaii so far its just him even after all our issues, and for him to call me a hoe when he does all this so quickly everytime we are apart pissed me off, so I told him "its you who is worse and is actually a hoe" , he responded "men cant be hoes, only women, were just hoe-makers", I was just mindblown at this point that this is really his mindset and I should've already known, he is an adrew tate fan, im stupid to think that 2 months is really gonna change a person, I expressed how fucked up that is to say and he continued to tell me to stfu and that all this started bec im broke and telling me to go home already.

We parked by my car at his moms house, I got out his car and told him he shouldn't be talking to me like that, went in my car, and started to drive away, as I passed by Mcdonalds I realized I left my weed with him, I felt so stressed and needed to burn, I turned around and called him, he answered with a "WHAT", I told him im going back to grab my weed from him, he told me "well good luck getting it back" and that i should ask a new guy to get me weed, I told him I just want it back, im stressed and it is mines from my uncle, he said "good luck im not home anymore" but as I turn in his street he was just leaving so I drove in front of his car to block him, but he went around me and drove off, we were still on the phone at this point and I said "wow, really" and he said yeah wow, and started to continue to say alot of toxic things so I hung up on him and just turned around and followed him tailing behind him, he wasnt stopping so I honked couple of times and saw he was blinking into the gas station, so I did the same and thought "finally, hes just going to give me my weed back", but boy was I wrong, what did I really expect, this is Chris.

He got out his car and proceeded to the gas pump, I got out as well, walked up to him and asked him if I can get my weed back, he said no and continued to ignore eye contact while inputting his card in the gas pump, so I checked his doors but they were locked, I kept asking him if he can just give it back and he kept saying no, I told him id leave him alone if he just gives it back, still he said no, out of frustration I became louder, asking the same question if he can just give me back my stuff, a guy in a moped came by us and asked if all was ok, Chris said yeah, and the guy said something along the lines of "u sure, i been hearing alot about girls asking for their things back" and Chris said "why your gonna do something about it?" and they guy was about to step off his moped and Chris put his phone down, but I stepped in between them and told Chris to just give me my stuff, he ignored me and still and told the guy something along the lines of that he grew up in nalo, oluolu st., as if to represent or as if that will be him appear tough, anyways at this point he went to sit in his car and I didnt see where the other guy went, but I stood by his door asking the same thing, and he told me no still, and said "you see what your causing", he drove off with his door still open bec I was standing by it and told me he going home and drove off, so i drove off as well to go to his place, but ofc he wasnt even home.

I parked on his street, thinking if i should just wait there or just go home already, he then texts me that im "fucking crazy" and that he "cannot believe I did all that for a nug" and that im "a fucking trip & acting like a kid", he proceeded to say he didnt give it back bec he didnt want me to leave (even tho he verbally said "go home") and that he just wanted to talk like adults (even tho how he was speaking to me was not how adults speak to each other), I responded and told him all he is saying is literally a projection of himself, its childish to hold someone stuff and keep it from them when they are asking for it back, and he shouldve just told me he wants to talk instead of calling me names, I told him im at his street and I just want my weed back, he told me he is at the other gas station bec i guess its my fault that he wasnt able to put gas at the other gas station we were at, he told me if i want my weed back id have to drive to him, I told him that im not trying to take Pali hwy back to town and that he needs to meet me at his street bec thats where he said he'd be, still he kept urging me to drive to him and that hes not doing me any favors after all that and that hes only gonna wait for me for a couple minutes, I told him I already followed him around and he drove off 2 times and its not fair and that he should be the one to bring it, and that if not I may need to turn to his family for help.

I stayed parked on his street and eventually after a couple mins I see his car pull in, he rolled up next to my car and handed me my weed back and drove off.

I am so damn tired of this, I was in the middle of healing and Idk why he had to text me and call me saying he misses me and wants to be with me, idk why I answered his call, I should've had him blocked, but now here I am, going through the same bs. & Chris being Chris, will most likely be seeking another girl for validation & supply while spreading his side of the story probably saying I am drama and toxic, in his eyes, he has no faults and is always the victim and sane one, and now I will have to start all over my healing journey. God, please give me the strength, im sorry Ive asked this a million times but you need to give me more strength than you normally do, you should know me, im weak & always hoping. I dont wanna be weak anymore, I wanna be strong and be good and whole on my own.

[la-papafrita]

So this happened.

I'm living alone, with almost nothing to do, and my only priorities are to make myself some food and to sleep adecuately. Do some exercise when necesary too.

I've been in a loop of stalking people in all the ambits I know in my life.

Almost as if searching for them can make me understand I do lived that life and i did knew them.

Theres this girl whos married and his husband is the son of a person I know.

They've been married a long long time already, and had a daughter.

She has my age, and she is already a señora.

What the fuck man. I dont want that at all.

What in the world am I doing here?

Then I saw the other paralell of that shit. That no one will ever understand.

It turns out that theres this girl that used to go and for what I see, still goes to that place where I really got this messed up brain somehow.

Man its crazy you know? Theres almost no evidence of that place because everything was so closed, and private. Its nuts.

But I swear to god that if you would have seen with your eyes, you will see that the people that used to go there were hypnotized and it required of some level of discipline no one was into.

Thats why almost no one stayed. I did for 5 years.

Anywho... man shes a real bad bitch but her ego is beyond horizons. I knew her. She was dumb. But so real.

Or at least that was what I thought so. It appears to me that she doesnt have her womb. And she talks about not giving a fuck and still believes that some spaceship is coming to save them.

Man. It cracked me up. That state of feeling so special was beyond any drug. It made me miss that. As if everyone is below you.

Man i have experienced the more simple things in a way I never knew. I have seen amounts of money you wont even see on your entire life.

What the fuck am I missing there?

So to be or not to be.

Theres the question.