#so I’m doing it again tonight (rn)
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#last night was really so so so fun and it was super hard to get myself to go out? like#in the sense of I really wanted to because I knew it would be fun but I also knew my anxiety was eating me alive#and it would be an obstacle getting through that without alcohol and I need to be … careful#but I got fun drunk and didn’t have too bad of a hangover and didn’t feel super anxious once we got out :#and a different friend wants to make plans for tonight but I am really bad at making plans in advance because sometimes I physically can’t#do things after work bc tired bc neuro disorder and it’s frustrating to my friend with severe control issues#bc she needs to make specific plans like a week out and I’m like erm babe I can’t like#do that? and then if I don’t feel well day of and need to be home she gets (rightfully) frustrated because I’m bailing but it’s#challenging. and you don’t understand unless you live with it.#and it’s frustrating for us both. I don’t want her to think I don’t value her because I do and I force myself out often enough bc I#genuinely feel bad. but it’s so fucking hard sometimes . she also lives sort of far so going from work and having#to drive an hour to her place to then go somewhere and be out like#I’m spent before I even get there#friend I saw last night and I don’t talk consistently but when we do it’s always the same vibe and so fun and we just catch up about life#I feel like when I see my other friends they have things to always talk about because they’re in a discord call almost every night#I don’t have the energy!!!!!!!!!! like I’m so sorry that’s so much for me#idk she isn’t answering me now but if she wants to do something I need to know in the next hr bc if not I’m literally going to bed#I love her but there’s a disconnect between us rn and I don’t know how to mend that gap#but I do love her friendship so I’m just like. sigh#idk it would be different if she was closer and I know that#I hope getting back on medication helps get me being more social again. I’m just so tired this week that speaking is hard lol
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screaming into the void <3
#my best friends boyfriend (who i’ve also been friends with for years) is just. not himself rn#we think it’s a manic episode but we don’t really know but it’s. terrifying lowkey#he thinks he’s genuinely jesus and that he’s conquered time and that he and my bsf are adam and eve#he’s been sending my bsf liek hundreds of texts per day since tuesday but it got really really bad and incoherent yesterday#and i woke up this morning to see multiple texts from gcs he created w me in them#and he keeps being like ‘because it’s 6:20 this is true’ and like ‘i know that at 9 pm everyone is gonna understand’#and he’ll text like 5 times then send a sc of what he just texted like that proves something but it’s all nonsense#i’m just really really concerned cause he really needs help but i don’t know how to ensure that happens cause he’s 19. not a minor#he’s just. not him rn. he’s called my bsf multiple times yesterday when he HATES calling normally#he had his band and his mom over in his apartment yesterday cause my bsf called his mom and h went to his bands show but was visibly not ok#and he saw nothing weird about it even tho he hates having ppl over normally and never without warning#and you can’t get him to see logic because everything you say he just twists around to work for him#to be clear it was not this bad when it started. when it started it seemed like normally maybe slightly out there conclusions he was drawing#but it just got worse and worse like exponential decay and really bad yesterday#he also didn’t sleep at all yesterday night and idk if he slept tonight#i know his mom took his phone at one point but he texted me and gcs w me in it starting at like 6:20 this morning#and my bsf and i and friends are on a trip out of state rn but we’re leaving today and i don’t wanna wake her up until i have to because#this is literally hell for her. but it’s just. scary. i don’t know what to do. i don’t think there’s any good options really for me rn#i want to warn ppl and try to explain he’s Not Him rn so they don’t get concerned but who knows if they’ll understand what i’m trying to say#i know it’s not the end of the world but it really feels like the end of my world as i know it if that makes sense#and my bsf lives with him in an apartment near their college and they just signed the lease for the next year#but she can’t stay there with him alone. not until he gets help. we’re all too scared it’s going in the directon where he thinks it’s better#for ppl to go to the afterlife. which like he never would normally. but he’s Not Him and so like. who knows#he keeps talking about all these different dimensions and how you need to travel to the 7th dimension to understand#my bsf was crying yesterday and she called her mom to explain and she keeps saying that she just wants her jake back it’s really scary#cause he will probably never be the same again. he’ll be similar but different but she wants his comfort but he’s Not Him. and can’t give it#i just. really want this to get better but it’s so hard to see that happening rn
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?
#i’m feeling inspired rn after finally finishing a fic that’s going up tonight#and now i kinda wanna just write…. plotless fluff??#like i mean no plot whatsoever just trying to capture how utterly infatuated the two cubitos are#but i’ve read so many fics like that which are utterly phenomenal and i don’t wanna seem like i’m copying and mine wouldn’t be as good#and i also wanna write many aus but i again don’t wanna seem like im#copying anyone because there are phenomenal fics for every au i wanna write!#and i know nobody has claim or ownership over any trope or genre or anything#but some fics are worshipped (like in every fandom) and i never want to seem like i’m trying to… like…. dethrone the royalty that are these#longstanding popular fics if that makes sense???#im still kind of a newbie like i’ve only been writing for this community since january#i know this is stupid btw do not feel like you need to respond#i’m just feeling like every idea i have rn is stepping on someone else’s toes and taking their recognition away#which i know is stupid! but coming from a - i guess- toxic community before this one i always feel the need to overthink like this#anyway sorry if anyone read this far i’m having a mental battle with myself rn to get out of this mindset
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I might poke for some asks about Bailey tomorrow if I have the time!!
I don’t know why I specifically have an issue with talking about him or why I get so weirdly nervous about it so I wanna get over that
#also it may help my weird ass creative block that I have rn#I do think also that I am having a migraine again#but I’m gonna play some more ace attorney and ignore it if I can!!!#i’m on recipe for turnabout current on the last day#so I’m nearly done w the original trilogy!!!#I’m hoping to get through this case and MAYBE one more tonight#I’m doing well also in terms of a walkthrough!! I’m not using it very often anymore
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oh i am on the Brink of a mental breakdown. and like a real one. i am going to feel so so fucking terrible and guilty if i don’t go to the first week of mac rehearsal bc i need to recover but i am also getting the sense that i Need to recover. i have never been this burnt out or genuinely terrified of starting a new semester in my life.
#we go back to campus a week early for mac. to be clear#and god they’ll be long days and they’ll be physically emotionally and mentally draining and i genuinely dont know if i can take that#but i am also going to be missing SO much time. and i won’t be there to support the people who i need to#i have also. been thinking a lot about how i’m scared that i think so much abt death bc i’m gonna be one of those people#who seem even more than everyone else like they have a finite time and then they die young#and then my mom compared me to jonathan larson tonight#so maybe that’s some sort of sign that i need to slow the fuck down#i am crying rn. for myself. which happens about three times a year#and yeah one is usually during winter break so we’re on schedule#i don’t know. idk!! i don’t know what to do here#and i still have to do my fucking scene prep for tomorrow#bc i was talking my mom about it and i really needed support which she was giving and then she has to leave for five seconds#and when she came back the entire conversation was just about her own problems again which we’ve already talked about every fucking night bc#- you can’t leave conversations with her and i hate when she fucking drunks i hate it i hate it#i am Not Well. i’ve sort of been avoiding admitting to myself just how badly#but man. i can push through anything until i drop but when i start wishing that i’ll drop so i have an excuse for a break….. not good#ted talks#the west wing
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Me after rewatching the last naruto movie:
#also add the image of the guy gripping at his heart with heart emojis cause that’s me rn#coming out once again as a naruhina shipper#apologies to the moots who prefer any other ships for naruto but naruhina is just everything to me ok?#i haven’t seen it in awhile but man does it make me soft#well until tonight and I’m feeling very soft rn#here are the soft thoughts ->#THOSE BITCHES ARE IN LOVE#DO NOT SEPARATE THEY ARE SOULMATES#<- end of soft thoughts#12-13 year old me loved them a crap ton during the short time I watched naruto#i sadly have the attention span of a fly so I was never able to finish it#also now I do not have the patience for shounen anime and can only consume slice of life high school romance shoujo#so if I do watch Naruto I’ll just watch the episodes with Hinata in them cause I love her :3#try as you might but you cannot pry them away from me I love a ship where one character has a canonical crush on another#btw the chibi rock lee spin-off is my favourite piece of naruto media cause it’s just filler and comedy and slice of life (which I love)#anyways I’m gonna stop rambling now
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There are so many beautiful ways to write the same 1 story And i’m not even talking about writing the same trope a million times i’m saying there are 1 million incredible ways i can write this random one shot, this 30 chaptered structured series about a niche ship no one else cares about, this 15k words fic with no forethought just Vibez …… How can i choose just one what if i use the wrong word What if there is a better way to write the most important piece of literature in the world (5k long distance fluff reunion fic)
#i’m afraid this isn’t coming off as sincere#bc it’s so sincere like i feel this so strongly rn#okay u caught me i took an edibile and went on a walk again DAMN!#but like listen …. to me ….#if i wrote the fic i’m writing now in 6 months it would be different#the paragraph i write when the two characters reunite tonight is different than if i wrote it tomorrow#DO U GET IT YET?#sorry for screaming#art is forever bro 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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sudden realisation that the thing holding my art back is that I never had an anime phase
#going to find a time machine and get my younger self into death note or smth#I have been driving myself insane for the past few years bc I wanna draw characters but all I know how to do is portraits#I’m trying to figure out how I could recreate smth similar now and tragically I think it does just come down to draw more :/#however! I am also going to try using brushes which will be bad for sketchiness and better for lineart bc I might need to force myself here#I just gotta simplify things down to basic shapes how hard can it be#[has been thinking this exact thing for years and it’s not worked]#I am getting better every time I do stuff I’m just not satisfied bc art is frustrating when you know what you want but can’t get there#god it’s 2am I should not be awake rn but I could draw again tonight so I was taking advantage#endlessly frustrated by hair. why is it so awkward. I need to understand hair better how do I do this#i have a feeling it’s bc I’ve not figured out how to apply the shit I figured out abt volume yet#I’m also getting impatient bc I’ve been trying to do a study thing for some art styles but I decided I wanted to draw ocs instead of that#when I hadn’t gotten to the actually important bit which was. making smth new. but I can still do that#and I ended up doing a different style anyway (someone pls stop me rounding everything make me use high opacity square brush for my health)#the Other problem is I never wanna switch brushes. like I want to use one brush for whole drawing bc the extra clicks annoy me#I wonder if there’s a shortcut to swap brushes#anyway I’m gonna stop complaining bc drawing is fun but god I wish I’d drawn some more pokey mans when I was a teenager yknow#ideally younger. would rlly like to not have to actually think to figure this out rn#I’m probably overthinking stuff anyway honestly and I KNOW I’ll get it if I practice enough but goddamn it is hard to practice#especially when my me insists on making the bad things look better by making it more realistic#instead of figuring out why the shapes aren’t working#OKAY IM DONE WITH THIS NOW. GONNA TRY NEW ART THINGS LATER STOP TALKING <3#luke.txt
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ohh i have good friends
#marzi speaks#was gonna go get dinner with my brother and a friend tonight#they weren’t able to respond for a few hours so i assumed plans fell through and went forward with that mindset#then they and my brother were able to decide on smth last minute#i am. low spoons socially rn#and i was struggling to decide whether i should go or not#friend gets here. they talk with me about it#i’m getting frustrated bc i can’t form the words i wanna form#i want to spend time with them but i have all this shit to do and god i’m tired but i want to hang out with my friends#i cry a bit. they hug me and encourage me#eventually i (through a tight throat) go ‘i think i need to sit this one out’ bc i’m at a point of distress where it just won’t be fun#and they hug me again go ‘no worries there’s always next time’ and head out with my brother#that’s a good fucking friend. they wanted to spend time with me and when i recognized a limit i had reached they respected it#anyways. i need to cry a bit. give myself a distraction. maybe a meal of some kind#and then i can get back to work. but they were really sweet and i wanna make sure i internalize that i’m cared about
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made it!!!
#y’all don’t even understand how exhausting that was omg#i had to bring all my camping shit along w me which required two suitcases and a backpack#one of my suitcases is so fucked i basically had to drag it the 6 blocks uphill from my last bus and ofc that’s the one i put all the#heavy shit in i am SWEATING#my forearms are burning i can honestly barely even type rn lmao#i’m gonna go buy a better one tmrw bc i am NOT DOING THAT AGAIN WTF#anyway i’m in vancouverrrrr get to relax tonight and then run around tmrw w errands#AND THEN ITS LOUIS DAY#HOLY FUCKING SHIT#i was smiling like an idiot pretty much the whole way over#listened to my playlist of 1d bangers#still am lol#anyway love u all mwah#rowyn rambles
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asjfbcdndbd
#bruhhh is it bad that i#my friend keeps texting me like ‘how are you doing’ / ‘how are you’ which like i appreciate it#but she does it so often and idk why i’m lowkey a little annoyed by it#which sounds so bad and sndbfjdhdhdj god like i’m grateful that she#makes the effort to reach out bc i used to never feel like anyone would reach out to me#and i’ve told her that so maybe that’s why idfk#but idk like she asks me almost every day/every other day and i’m just like djfjdjdjd#miss girl ily but pls my answers not gonna change lmfao 😭#i’m not doing shit how i’m doing isn’t interesting i’m also like not gonna tell u#that like i’m bored af of my life rn i’m tired i need to fucking create sm or do some fucking art soon or imma lose my mind a little#i’m just fucking chilling i’m not doing anything interesting i’m literally just fine lmao#like i’m just chilling like the last 10 times u asked 😭😭😭#idk idk 🤡 she asked me tonight and then said sm else so i answered the other thing and ignored the hru lmao#but then after the conversation abt the other thing she asked me hru again :’)#idk if any of this makes sense LOL i also feel bad abt complaining abt it 😭#idk WHY i’m lowkey annoyed by it. maybe i’m so fucking used to friends not reaching out to me#that her doing this makes me hhfhjfjdhfhffj lmao#like yeah i ofc love her texting me i just don’t wanna answer hru so many times lmao and ik i could tell her that or like ask why she asks#how i am so much but i don’t want to c:#ANYWAY LEMME ANSWER HER LMFAO GIRL#🤡 anyway also yeah i need to like start drawing sm or do a lettering thing soon#:D#jeanne talks
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ok so i was gonna get drunk last night but after like. four shots i fell asleep for two hours watching a video and woke up at midnight like uhhhh hello and then i just went back to sleep and now i am fighting for my LIFE trying to stay asleep like i do not want to be up at 7:30am when i don’t have to work wtf
#grrrrrrrrrr oh well maybe i’ll stay up for a bit and then nap ????? idk#my sleep schedule is fucked rn i have No Idea what i’m doing rn#i’m sad i didn’t get to get drunk tho bc i was looking forward to having a fun time listening to music and watching a movie maybe and then#i fell asleep 🧍🏻🧍🏻🧍🏻 and todays my only day off so i can’t try again tonight LMAO#next weekend tho ! i shouldn’t be so tired and i’ll be able to actually drink and stay up#part of my issue was i didn’t drink with a monster as a chaser i think that’s why i fell asleep i’m usually Fine#anyways i guess i’m awake now hi everyone :)
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this goes after the tags below i didn’t wanna make a new post
they’re straight leg, not quite skinny but almost and very flattering wink emoji. no cap, corroborated by my darling ex-nothing, who also kept asking me where i got them except i think the brand is vintage or went bankrupt or something cuz i can only seem to find their stuff secondhand online and their only website is this old wix catalogue-type thing with no way to purchase products. he would look so good in these though holy shit. not that his jeans aren’t already extremely flattering. hate to see u go bb love to watch u leave, so much. how can you be so skinny and have such a nice ass, and then u decide to wear ur stupid size 28 jeans and walk around like that like it’s no big deal. i don’t understand. ur a horrid little homunculus especially designed to torment me.
i’m sleepy. and my legs still really hurt. i wanted to read some more before bed today but i’m probably just going to call it a night soon.
i forgot why i wanted to post this journal entry in the first place. just feels good to reflect and bitch ig. i love electronic music. i swear i’m not drunk rn, just really tired. too broke to be drinking
#having dinner rn#it’s a fish and some other stuff#howd this fish get to my plate#listening to music with my noise cancelling headphones#feeling grateful for this fish and music#pretty good day today#still listening to ‘yours ever’ by cocktail#what is it about music in a car that makes it sound so good#don’t hand me the aux i’m on day 400-something of being down more bad than i’ve ever been in my sorry fucking life 🤣🤣🤣#8:00pm god the sunset was gorgeous again today#these lyrics be real asf#love u with my entire heartttt take a knife to my it all four chambers only beat for uuuuu#wish y’all could understand thai my translation is rather inelegant#guitar solo in this song is soooooo good too wish it was longer#feeling optimistic about life rn#bitches will complete one difficult task successfully comma get positive reinforcement and be like maybe there is hope#i’m upstairs now#why do my legs and back hurt so much damn#thinking back prolly my posture. and sitting weird in chairs.#this bed is so nice.#my stuffed animals are so nice.#i miss my cat i wanna touch that beast#later tonight i’ll call him. he’ll be like mrraaaa and come running up the stairs like we haven’t seen each other in years#if i let him into my room too early he only wants to play his peekaboo game under the piano and i can’t get anything done#jesus my legs hurt#could it be my jeans cut off circulation#they’re not even that tight#shout-out to these jeans too#bought them secondhand from some guy in quebec off depop (bro put a candy bar in the parcel i’ll remember u forever angel)#best jeans i’ve ever owned hands down
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I forgot to update y’all (I’m sorry!) : body is doing ok
Also : Making problems is sometimes ok
#be safe#hope yall have a good day#bye bye now my gibbles#bear random talks#the ‘also’ part is sometimes bc there’s always a time and place but it’s never all the time and it never everywhere#also also#slept with my shirt off for the first time last night#it gave really good brain chemicals#so I’m doing it again tonight (rn)#:) habbys!
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maybe i just need to start fainting dramatically in front of my friends to earn their sympathy
#i am not doing this. but mostly bc i fight tooth and nail not to faint in public#i don’t know i just want people to see why i’m struggling so much i don’t know#this is a joke obv but i do wish i could be taken care of a little#my ex would do it but she’s also not doing the best and i often dont have the energy to help her too#and not that he requires that of me. but if i’m around him of course i want to be a support too#i just don’t have any more support to give#and they don’t have the time to do much anyway#it was nice to hang out tonight tho#and i’m going to miss everyone so much over the summer too. tbh. that’s gonna be rough too#esp bc i don’t get to see them next semester. and then some of my friends will be graduated. and so i just won’t see them at school ever#- again on top of the graduating seniors#so many of whom are my closest friends rn :(#so it just sucks that this is the semester when i am struggling the most physically bc i’m missing out on being around them fully#ted talks
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bough
#I hate spiraling#I managed to stop before it got worse but now I’m just still in a state from the spiraling and I’m just. I’m so tired of thinking I’m dying#everyday it’s so exhausting and the fear is never ending and the worry that maybe I am really dying and I have no idea bc I’m scared to go#to the doctor and then it’s my fault I waited so long etc. and then it’s like if I am what have I even done with my life? what is there to#be proud of or look at and feel fulfilled? atp in my life I have wasted my life I’ve done nothing and I’m rotting away and it’s like if I#found out I was dying it’s like that’s all I got I wasted so much time etc. and I’m just spiraling out tonight man it sucks I hate this I#hate my brain I just want to be fucking normal and not be scared everyday that I’m genuinely dying and it’s my fault and that I’m wasting my#life away not doing so many things I wanted to and like you think well jay shouldn’t that encourage you to live life to the fullest of your#ability? and yeah I’d love to but then my head just thinks all those things again and the cycle repeats and I just am so terrified as soon#as something in my body hurts or something is off etc. because my immediate thought is just its fucking over man and I’m too scared to go#to the doctor about things and I’m just repeating shit now I’m sorry if anyone Ben reads this far I’m obviously having a night#I’m just talking to the wall with this post but it helps me calm down a little I guess#god I need a therapist I stopped looking but I think it’s time I get back on that and quick because I really don’t think I can keep living#this way anymore it is so genuinely exhausting and I dont know how to help myself with it#sorry if anyone gets a peek at this actually. I obviously need help and this is just an outlet for me rn ig
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