#so I was actually working 7 days a week
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TFW you find out your workplace is refusing to give you the 20 years of service employee recognition award because some of that time was spent in the part time unit.
#cobbling together multiple positions#so I was actually working 7 days a week#365 days a year#It doesn't even COST them anything#the award is a certificate and whatever tchotchke is remaindered at the gift shop
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and! barbarian!fig! its her
#fantasy high#dimension 20#figueroth faeth#fh class quangle#if u look at the junior year design and think tifa lockhart: yeag#I already thought the cleric!gorgug junior year design kinda is very aerith so. lol#but! I do feel like these designs maybe portray the clearest arc out of all of them so far. I like that#some of it came from a bit of necessity which is really fun that mirrors the actual play format thats cool#(necessity being freshman year riz is pretty much a huge block of red flannel lmao. kinda stole figs canon color coding for a bit)#(and he's got the owlbear jacket from taping the games in sophomore year... so I cant give fig the big red blocking until#junior year lmao. coincidentally this forced me to be a bit more dynamic with her concept which is great)#her second pair of shoes very sonic tho. I kinda enjoy that lol#tbh I really love that canon gorgug is like in a pair of chucks 24/7 that is SO funny for a barbarian I hope to keep the energy going#with class swap fig I think a barbarian who wears like collector sneakers is awesome. the foot support is so important to their work#the general idea of a hyperfem girlypop barbarian still ticks for me tbh. idk enough abt the zeitgeist to know if thats passé now or not#but doing Fashion on ur job of bodily tearing ur opponent apart with the least flourish possible is just a hit for me#her knee brace is from like an injury back in her cheer days that she got by overexercising in hope of being good enough that#the team couldn't let her go. the team then used that same injury as a pretext to let her go#I think abt her arc tbh... fig's thing in canon junior year abt the point of her rebelling. I feel like a lot of it can also apply to rage#both knocking things over and holding onto things don't like. make anything new. destruction without at least a glimpse of a vision#of the after is ultimately a cynical defeatist point of view... strategic barbarianism for fig babeyy#yay! once again its time for me to Fucking Sleep. but hopefully I can hammer out a proper ref for riz and gorgug both in the#following week inbetween doing my job. its that time of da year lads (<- fully seasonal worker)
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wishing all the companies posting ghost jobs/elaborate scams/pretend pay internships on job sites a please die immediately
#i think the fact that i worked an 8hr a day 6/7 days of the week job and got paid barely 400$ a month speaks for itself#also if i drive 40+ mins to one more interview where they just ghost me immediately afterward i think im actually gonna go insane#not to mention i have 0 faith that any book i ever write will get published so....rip#vent post#i was not destined to live in this world i was meant to be a gothic poet lamenting about my love for fallen women#save me rossetti sibling poetry!!! save me!!#ellie talks
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guess what I finally started on tonight?
#oh my god ive missed draw ingthem sm#ive had the next update sketched for a few weeks now but finding time to actually draw it has been so hard#im out here doing a full 5 day college course having to travel 4 hrs a day#then working full weekends#so a full 7 day week with no break#so finding time to draw turts and anlfm stuff has been hard#BUT THAT JUST MAKES THE TIMES THAT I CAN SM BETTER!!!#sparks joy :')#idk when it'll be done but know that the ball is now rolling again uvu#anlfm#tribbletalks#tribbleart#a ninjas life for me#rottmnt#rottmnt donnie#rottmnt au
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coming into money but still having to work is so fucked. I should be at the club. I can afford to buy more than one drink now.
#right before this i realized i wasnt gonna be able to make ends meet in august so i decided to pick up two extra shifts every week until aug#so now im gonna be working 7 days a week 50 hours a week for the next four weeks#even though i dont actually need to#have you ever seen a bigger fucking fool#dont get me wrong im so grateful im so lucky i cannot possibly take it for granted. but also#im so tirreeddalskdfjalskdfjaslkfj#im just. so fucking sleepy#dear god im so E FUCKING P
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kind of ironic how the actual investigations are the worst part of p4-
#rambearling#persona 4#p4#i like rise's investigation where you can't finish it on the day it starts#cuz an npc you need to talk to spawns on a different day of the week#and izanami's investigation where she inexplicably doesn't show up at all until you talk to dojima and nanako at the river#which the game doesn't hint towards at all. granted i think knowing about her being the gas attendant ahead of time#made that more confusing for me cuz i assumed she'd just be in the shopping district by the gas station-#why did she decide to work at a gas station of all places anyways#local goddess gets a probably minimum wage job at a gas station in a town with like two cars more news at 7#i want to replay p4 so badly tbh i haven't even beaten it yet........ will probably play p4au before replaying it though#hopefully pq and pq2 also if i get a laptop that can like actually run lime3ds at a playable frame rate-
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This is the only sneak peek y’all are getting for now!!
#can you tell I’m excited?#plus I don’t wanna make the same mistake I did last ppkm week#I didn’t give myself enough time to actually work on the prompts#so I didn’t get to finish day 6 and 7 of the last ppkm week oof#not this time though!!!#butterfly soup#ppkm#noelle#butterfly soup noelle#work in progress#WIP#my artwork#queenyv
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yippee
#ok im not yet mentally doomposting about being back in uni =w=bbb and i actually feel pretty okk i thinks#(this is just a setup for me ranting about being gay again. be warned)#anywayy :3 3 assignments over the semester with one other person for this course. in the gc theres people already looking for partnerss#and i was very brave!! i reached out to someone and then another but both were already occupiedd. which is finee obvs#and then i respond to another and theyre still open!! YIPPEEE#anyway i wanted to meetup in the workgroup today but apparently theyre still in china sooo its a bit hard#but we'll do next week so were guccii#why is this about being gay?? bc people are awesomeeeee#they were very nice and apologetic and used the fucking uwu emoji end liked my message andndndndndn#i cant handle human interaction so basics like this fucking HAVE me. erm.#yes i havent seen them. but let me tell you this is such a good signn YAYYYAYYYY i actually might have someone fun to work with!!#=w=bbbb#also yes my 'being gay' is. being excited about human interaction. theyre closely linked to me because of my whimsy nature. (autism-aro)#sillyposting#(omg guy experiences human interaction) SHUT UPPPP. let me be happy holy shittt#ok yay <3#im not pathetic for having feelings and im not a bad person for being able to like someone from 7 messages. people are nice and i like them#(for myself)#yayyay having a normal day is awesomeeee#i also saw i misread my schedule and i dont actually have work tonight soo !!!! big win yippeeee#>:3 time for secret thingy maybe.... yes......#whateber =w=bbb
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hey brain can you please be stable for ONE DAY I beg of you I can't handle the never knowing my actual true feelings and opinions about things and feeling so dissociated from the person I was 15 min ago that I start questioning my existence
#I feel like I did when I was 17 pre BPD diagnosis#When I would just spenb pretty much 5/7 days a week at some point on the floor of my bedroom having a mental breakdown#About whatever bullshit my 17 year old borderline self decided was world ending#And if I couldn't be in my bedroom I was at work dissociating so hard I got fired for it 😶🌫️#But I distinctly remember. The amount of times I thought#“holy fucking shit I am actually mentally insane I need professional help I need to know wtf is wrong with me bc this is Not Normal”#Thankfully my symptoms slowed down around the time I was like.. late into my 18th year?#It may have also had smth to do with the fact that I was finally out of contact with my toxic ass FP who ALSO has some—#Sort of personality disorder issues. Like she hit a lot of HPD and NPD traits to a creepy degree like—#Anyway basically we both just exacerbated each other's problems and made each other's lives a living hell lmao#This is not me demonizing NPD btw she wasn't abusive... she just had her moments. Yk she needed to feel special :] ✨#I also have my own “moments” so I really don't blame her for how much that friendship killed me
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#c shut up#i hate that work is now something i dread oh so badly#like i do not dream of labor or career building but#i for the most part didnt mind going to this job#until they f.ucked me over and understaffed us so bad i am essentially doing the job of 3 people#maternity leave cannot come soon enough my mental health is actually at an all time low#ive cried at least 5-6/7 days of every week for the past like 2-3 weeks#both related and unrelated to work#its probably a mix of d.epression and baby hormones but#also you know its bad when i havent even gone on leave yet but i am#already dreading having to return to work from it#delete later actually
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my fibro meds have truly destroyed my tolerance for antihistamines
#blue chatter#my nose has been v stuffy this week!#I take a Benadryl (already a bad idea) expecting mild spiders and feeling a bit sleepy#and Pass The Fuck Out for 7 hours#okay cool. I’ll do Claritin. it’ll take longer to work but that’s okay-#Pass The Fuck Out For 7 Hours#okay. sure. fine. I’ll take half a Benadryl; it’ll work less effectively but I rly would like to not be so stuffy-#guess what! Pass The Fuck Out For 5 Hours!#which is. teeeeechnically shorter. but still defeats the point#I’m gonna try half a Claritin but those pills are so small already#I know my gabapentin has warnings about anything with drowsiness as a side effect so I tried to do rly low doses#bc it also has those warnings for alcohol and I can drink one drink and feel like. just a tiny bit tired and otherwise fine.#so I thought an antihistamine would be no issue. I was WRONG.#also for context before my fibro meds I was able to take a 24 hour Claritin and be barely even tired#or take 2 Benadryl and feel sleepy and spidery but not actually *fall asleep about it*.#the spiders are unpleasant but Benadryl does work faster for existing stuffiness/allergic reactions. Claritin for me works better as a#preventative measure than a treatment once I’m already sniffly.#by spiders I do mean tactile hallucinations. which funnily enough I have not gotten at all taking Benadryl now.#BECAUSE IM ASLEEP#not awake enough long enough to feel imaginary spiders! which would be an improvement except I cannot keep falling asleep when I’m busy!#this is also why I’ve only been testing this on days I know I won’t have to drive or go to class/have things due that day#bc I suspected the sleepies would be worse even if I did not understand the magnitude#as a side effect I’ve now ruined my sleep schedule enough that my body is used to taking a midday nap and expects it#which is Not Helping
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Not fanart art dump
#god#fucking hell#while i was at work i was really hoping not to see some regular patrons#im actually not ready for what one regular is going to say#shes like fully a conspiracy theorist like watches hour of right wing conspiracy videos on the library computers#she drives me insane#i do not make enough money to argue with small town republicans at 7:48 pm on a Thursday#its how unsolicited the opinions are#people who just casually use the word plandemic in conversations pretending that they dont sound insane#somebody was fucking playing the bagpipes outside the town hall yesterday#which just means a normal day for us but more people come in to ask where the bathroom is#my mom is actually really upset. like disgusted and disappointed. love my lib ass mom#anyway sorry to talk about the election but i guess we all are#i just got out of work and finished the ballerina so i thought id post it#ive got a painting of Rhaenyra ive got to post though#i completely forgot about it its from like a week ago#art#my art#not fandom related#watercolor
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fellas im gonna be honest idk how many more 11 hour days i have left in me
#i speak#ugh little vent ahead in the tags#the problem is i need money. which means i need a job all year. but that job is teaching piano and i cant just stop when i get my summer jo#and i actually spend more time at work than i do studying during class terms. so its longer more exhausting days in the summer#like i can plan my study schedule around busy teaching days and evenly distribute the workload. mostly. but work is the same every day#and the thing is currently - not including the commute to my students houses- im really only teaching 4 hours a week. with commute its 6 ma#so i could take more on. and if i want to start saving up for when i move out i kinda do need to do that#but the best option then would be to start teaching on saturdays. spread out the work. and NOT do 9-8 every day of the week#but scheduling things with friends is already hard enough when i have free weekends. and i need the break#but also now im paying my mom rent because shes unemployed and financially irresponsible so i REALLY need the extra money.... ugh#just two more years of this then 5-7 years of low grad school wages and two years of residency then i never need to worry about money#or working more than 8 hour days#ever again!!!!
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im having a bad stressful week. i would fucking destroy a bag of cheddar & sour cream ruffles right now
#its actually the only thing that could fix me#personal#i had a fraudulent charge made on my credit card so i had to cancel it#my medical insurance is lapsed and i dont know WHY so i cant use it and no one will return my phone calls#i still have three teeth i need fixed and i cant afford it out of pocket so i need said insurance. lol#and my mom has been sick for a while now but shes getting progressively worse and wont let us help#so i was GOING to go pick my sibling up this weekend and bring them to mom's with me so we could have a conversation about like. getting-#-her more help but i asked mom if we could visit this weekend thru text on monday morning and she still hasnt opened or replied to me#which like. could mean nothing#but also lol what if something happened and no ones told me yet! what if she fell and hit her head again. who fucking knows#also ive been working 6-7 days a week lately <3 hell on earth#anyways blah blah will probably delete im just so. burnt. the kind where youre in the kitchen making coffee and then suddenly youre sobbing
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...
#ok sorry rant tags ahead but i so so so so desperately need to leave this current job lmao#literally worked 6/7 days this week to cover for my coworker who quit on the spot bc nobody else could. so whatever#and a shift that i got covered for next week is suddenly being walked back on and now they're not allowing me to take it off. lol. lmao even#and like whatever it's just so i could go to an op card game locals tournament. but i have not been able to do anything fun for myself#in almost 2 weeks without seriously sacrificing sleep. and they took the shift dyas ago. why is it my responsibility to get it covered again#i'm not a full time employee!!!! i'm not a lead or a manager!!! i dont want to work this much!!!#i get this weekend off. yippee. and then i work another 7 days in a row by myself and i'm tired and like it's stupid#but i was looking forward to going to that tournament lmao#this job is so easy but when it's like this it's actually the worst ever#chen.txt
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Oh my god. You know it’s getting bad when you start doing things you don’t even want to do to procrastinate on something you really do want to do.
It would be one thing if it were something like a hobby; but the thing I want to do is also extremely necessary to my life.
#Hhhhhhngh#for three weeks I’ve been doing this#I’ve had all the time in the world#and I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m doing this out of a subconscious desire to prove to myself that I’m actually fucked up in the head#Which is already proof enough that I have that desire in the first place; but I keep going because it’s not enough#I only ever feel like I need care when I’m at my absolute worst#And suddenly after being so exhausted that I fell asleep at 7:00 some days; I’m staying up until 2:30 AM and waking up at 8:00???#and I feel fine and perfectly awake; but still can’t manage to get myself out of bed until 10:00 because Comfy#I sit and I read for an hour; then I go on my phone and emerge at 5:00 PM#If I go in the bathroom it takes forever to get back out because I end up talking to myself in the mirror about god knows what#I feel like I need some kind of… idk… very strong stimulant in me so I can actually care about things#not that stimulants work like that; but I need to have some kind of catastrophic life event… to get beaten up or something#something to put pure fear and concern in my veins#It is summer and there is almost no chance of me getting kicked or catching a football in the wrong place#and I don’t have to run right now either#I could do something#I know how#But even that is a damned if you do damned if you don’t situation; because that ALSO makes me not want to do things#At least then I’d have a palpable (literally) excuse but uh…. I’m still kind of getting over the last time#I am on my phone all day and I recognize that’s bad; but the thing I need to do is to send an email… which is on my phone; so there’s that#hypocritical#idk there’s something about using limited supplies to deal with a problem that needs more and hoping for the best#it excites me#Makes me feel like a big boy who can handle serious situations#But if I create the problem then it means nothing except that I cannot handle problems at all#I should not have all the responsibilities I do because I am not entirely in my right mind#I am thinking about it though#It’s tempting#get behind me satan
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