#so I think I’d be down to help
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I don’t want to have a child of my own but I would still love to have a fulfilling and close relationship with a child y’know? Like I want to help a close friend raise their kiddo. Let the baby come over once a week, read to them, babysit when needed, take them on trips to give their parents a break, etc.
To leave a lasting impression on a child that if they can’t go to their parents for whatever reason they know they have another adult to turn to and a second home they can chill at. Even just for funsies if they felt like kicking it at my place sometimes. To have someone to teach and mentor and show cool things to. Even as they grow up. Would be kinda cool.
#I don’t want the hard commitment/obligation of having a kid myself#I don’t think I’ll ever have the emotional or financial capacity for that#but I know I’m fun and I love to teach#I’m affectionate and for some reason by presence just earns respect from kids naturally#I’d make a super cool and loving auntie y’know what I mean?#and raising a kid in a society that pushes a nuclear family and individualism is so fucking hard#especially if you don’t have the money or a community#so I think I’d be down to help#the whole ‘it takes a village’. I know I can still be helpful and good with kids#utterance
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thinking about kageyama’s “it’s the setter’s job to break the wall in front of the spiker” in reference to how kenma sponsoring hinata while he’s in brazil and onwards is effectively doing that on a financial level. once a setter always a setter.
#could talk about how the narrative purpose of every setter (at least in hinata’s story) reflects the idea of breaking a wall in front of him#for hours i think#i want to do a full manga read to fully think about that but#atsumu & hinata’s feeling that he needs kageyama. kenma & just the financial logistics of being able to go to brazil. oikawa & homesickness#obviously there’s more going on w/ all the characters but like. those 3 & kageyama (obviously) all have at least one big thing they help-#hinata overcome. kageyama has so many of these moments w/ hinata i’d have to rewatch & list them all but yea.#akaashi is also this but for bokuto. (bokuto is this for akaashi as well)#(& if we’re talking setters & spikers obviously hinata is that for kageyama. Obviously. they’re soulmates)#i know this is lowkey just me analyzing the concept of support which a team sport series is inevitably filled to the brim with#but with a lot of what i consider to be hinata’s big character moments… it’s always setters man. & that feels deeply intentional.#& takeda obviously but he’s the coach. that is his Narrative Purpose#i wonder if there’s something strong to be said about main characters positions within the team & their strongest overall narrative purposes#like ‘libero’ meaning free in italian & nishinoya & freedom being his Whole Thing. he goes to karasuno bc he likes the uniform!!#i’m curious if i took every character & took their position if i’d find a list of commonalities between their narrative purposes. idk!#but yea anyways i dislike dumbing down hinata’s relationships w/ his setters as like ‘omg setter harem’ as anything other than a light joke#but hinata & setters is such a big deal. almost all my favorite hinata dynamics are with setters i think & that’s bc of that importance#if anyone read this rant in the tags thank you for your time lol. happy birthday hinata i love you forever#haikyuu!!#haikyuu#haikyū!!#hinata shouyou#hinata shoyo#kozume kenma
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Hey. Sorry about the inactivity, but pretty sure no one cared that much anyways lol. Been a looooong time since I kept that distant from Tumblr…at least now I know I’m able to survive without checking posts every day/being chronically online! I’ve got an intense love-hate relationship with this lifestyle I’ve dug myself into. Think I’m getting a little bit better with the balance even if school isn’t really giving me an option. Got a load of work I need to keep catching up on if I don’t want to disappoint my professors. We’ll survive somehow. Here take a quick batch of Puzzle doodles k bye
#the hell am I so anxious about? maybe it’s just overstimulation stuff#hoping it’ll die down because I can’t keep enjoying myself when I’m like this#seriously is starting to mess with my flight responses over the tiniest things#like yea obviously I needed to stay logged out of Tumblr so I would focus more on schoolwork#but uhhhh gonna be transparent and say a huge part of it is the jolts of anxiety :(#like even the thought of logging back here has caused me to feel like sweating#my brain kept saying ‘no I don’t want to I can’t do that’ even when I felt bad for missing out on others posts#like I want to be here so I can support my mutuals dammit!!!#I’m a mess. I’m such a broken mess oh great lovely spectacular#maybe the culminating stress of final exam deadlines is worsening stuff as well#I can’t tell you why I’m like this I just am 🙃#anyways thinking I’ll start adapting to the distance. Sorry but being a shut-in is more appealing right now#I just need time to be with myself and not be so invested in the lives of others#anyways what’s something mildly positive I can wrap this up with so I don’t seem pathetic….#ah yes the final Puzzle sketch here was drawn today before a class period#one of my fellow classmates noticed and audibly asked me ‘is that Mr. Puzzles?’#IT TOOK EVERTHING IN MY WILLPOWER TO NOT LET OUT A GIDDY SHRIEK#Felt like my eyes bulged and I jolted in enthusiasm jskjsksp spontaneous happiness?? actally experiencing the feeling of fitting in??#anyways I responded with a very normal ‘WAIT YOU KNOW ABOUT HIM???’ while trying to suppress grinning or going ‘teehee’#anyways now it’s my personal mission to keep initiating conversations with her because AUUUUUGH SHE KNOWS WHO HE IS I’M LOSING IT#proceeded to talk about Murder Drones & TADC like holy SHIT I didn’t think I would ever find animation peeps in my psychology class auuu 😭💜#it’s a MIRACLE man this may be a sign that college won’t be isolating anymore yaaaaayyy#PUZZLE IS SINGLE HANDILY HELPING ME TALK TO PEOPLE BOTH ONLINE AND IRL THIS IS WILD#all hail the best comfort character seriously holy shit—like imagine she never noticed me drawing Puzzles!! I’D STILL BE LONELY AS HELL#okay sorry I’ll stop typing like a teenager and go back to pretending to be well-versed in speech & conducting myself ‘normally’ :3#doodles#sketches#hplonesome art#not tagging with Puzzles because hahaaaaa don’t look at me
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it’s kinda funny to me how that dumb scene in kiwami 1 of majima getting shot and left for dead in the harbor was basically just added as a half-assed way to explain majima not being around for a bit of the plot, but they accidentally(?) just made it seem like start of a chain reaction where majima ended up feeling slighted and heartbroken after being abandoned like that and then lashed out about it via smashing a big truck into the building kiryu was in. and yeah that isn’t inherently a romantic thing as-is but then they go and add the part where majima grabs a hostess and performatively hits on her as in-kiryu’s-face as possible, she says she’s already in love with someone, and majima lets her go immediately, no questions asked, making a big fucking point of it just to say see THAT kiryu? I appreciate when people are HONEST about their FEELINGS. people who won’t just BACKSTAB someone who CARES about them to save themselves. is that so crazy kiryu?? huh??? anyway make it up to me get down here and fight me right fucking now
#I think on another level he was sorta saying like ‘hey kiryu. you’re making it extremely clear that you don’t trust me and my intentions#and I’ve been trying to show you- over and over again- that I’d do just about anything for you and your safety#but I can’t just let my mask fall off in front of everyone- I need to keep up the unpredictable morally grey wildcard act for both my sake#AND yours. because disguising my helping you as crazy random violent outbursts and weird stalker behavior#is the only way I CAN help you. do you think it would go over well with shimano or literally anyone else if I was outright helping you out#of the kindness of my heart and fondness for you? stop being so fucking dense and look past the crazy wacky nonsense for a second and#maybe you’ll realize that all I do at the end of the day- really- is help you and put my own life and reputation on the line for you.#I am an honest guy when it comes to my real values and when I told you I wouldn’t let anyone kill you unelss it was myself- I meant it.#I’ve taken a knife and a bullet for you now. can you REALLY not see through the act yet? am I REALLY that unpredictable when you think about#it?’#that was a longer explanation than i intended but. it was difficult to put into words#I basically feel like it could be read as him implying kiryu shouldn’t backstab the people who put themselves on the line to help him#and/or pointing out that he’s never actually done kiryu dirty and has stuck to his word protecting him in the ways he can#trying to say yeah all this is a crazy act and all but when it comes down to it you Can trust me#it really makes sense when you think about it that he’d have to help kiryu/show affection towards kiryu in unpredictable convoluted ways#at that point in time because. I mean. there’s a reason he was the only person who showed up to welcome kiryu when he got out of prison#and that’s because A) he sticks to his word and his loyalty to people he cares about and B) no one else had the balls or the batshit insane#mask to wear to ward off anyone asking real questions like majima did. because ANYONE associating themselves with the supposed#patriarch-killer was a HUGE NO-NO at the time. someone important showing up for kiryu and welcoming him back outright could’ve caused#all-out warfare probably. except majima. because majima was dedicated and smart enough to use his widely-feared wildcard persona#(that everyone tended to view as incapable of having any Real agenda to worry about) to his And kiryu’s advantage#does that make sense??? I feel like it makes a lot of sense if you get it to click in your head#kazumaji#majima#kiryu#yakuza#kiwami 1#yk1#rambling
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i’m realizing that one of my favorite ways to create a character is by first establishing a major flaw of theirs and then examining how that will inevitably fuck them up a bit. then fleshing them out from there
#i’m realizing that’s how i created like. the majority of the characters i rp with LMAOOO i would start with flaws i think would be#interesting to examine in whatever story they’re in !!!!!!!! and then i’d build out positive traits/backstory in order to flesh them out#but starting with that major flaw really helps me build their character i’m realizing . i’m doing it with the new rp oc i’m trying to make#like for sae (after deciding she’s a fisherman) i wanted her to deal with impatience. sadie is self centered + controlling. erin is fake af#and even for dnd characters i’ve played like immian is a hermit and naive while tinni is SCARED as FUCK!#i really honestly believe flaws are greatttt for your characters story. like just in general really good for a guy to have negative traits#that will impact the narrative in a way that almost feels inevitable and thus force them to confront it OR succumb to it#so instead of starting with going Oh Well Sae is Nice and working from there i’m able to say oh sae is actually pretty hot headed deep down#which allows me to build more traits based off of that… she’s resilient bc she doesn’t want to BE hot headed. stubborn as fuck#wise bc she wants to grow. slow talking bc of her afi which connects to her backstory which connects to being hot headed#guys is this anything at all. is this microphone on. it’s 2am#lee chat
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need bkg so bad rn ….
#help ……#i mean he is always on the mind anyway but#talking to niku abt certain dynamics and everyth and maybe im projecting too much what i think MY dynamic w him would be#which is on the borderline of an enemies to lovers#but its not a real enemies to lovers cos we arent actually enemies i just cant stand his tone#but think hes so hot to be objective#also . my pride and his ego would clash as fuck but deep down i’d know he’s right#FAWWWEWWKKKKKK head in hands#need him in a relationship that challenges him like crazy the only way is to fuck nasty ………#🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡 i mean what#HELPOOOOSJSKNDJD#did i also mention i kin deku LOL JAKDKKEHXKSJDJD#i talked so much again
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I’m gonna be out most of the day bc I’ll be helping my dad with a big shopping trip plus being out after, so I’m going to be super duper exhausted
I don’t do well in crowded or loud places in the slightest, I get woozy and tired and I feel miserable or like I’m gonna pass out, and if the shopping isn’t gonna make me wanna cry, the outing after will bc it’s gonna be packed with lots of noise and people
I don’t say this because I want to complain, I just wanna give a super quick warning that I might not be active tomorrow as well as today bc when I get exhausted, my mental health tends to decline as well ;-;
so- a bit of a warning that I may poof a bit (sorry! 😣)
#But yeah :)#hopefully I’ll be able to sleep it off tonight but since school is tomorrow might end up still tired and stressed (ᵕ—ᴗ—)#lol I’m trying not to complain or make a stink about it whilst still being informative—#Edit: uh so I don’t know what’s wrong with me this morning#But it’s already starting to go to crap unfortunately#Hgnhh I wanna talk but I keep telling myself it’s selfish to talk about how I feel#Idk I’m just messed up man#Feel like crap#eating earlier didn’t help it just made me feel worse#I don’t wanna go shopping or to the outing :(#But my dad said he needs help#And I don’t think I have a choice for the outing#And school tmrw :(#I don’t wanna do this I really font#I think I’m breaking down#Yeah I’m breaking down#<- that’s dramatic I’m sorry#Edit 2: if I trigger myself so badly that I have a really quick and strong breakdown will that make me fine for the rest of the day#Bc omg I have things I need to do! I can’t mope around and be dramatic all day!#I hate this! I don’t want it! Literally any other day would have been doable!#I can’t just ask my dad to stay home from the outing either because then that would entail me explaining why I don’t wanna go and I’d cry-#-in front of him and I don’t wanna cry in front of people#I hate this so much#i wish I could just poof into nonexistence#🌾#<- atp it’s a vent#Edit 3: I’m trying really hard ace but petting my dog isn’t working
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overthinking … nooo ……
#god help me I am having too many thoughts#about things that are not even remotely relevant right now#I really need to adopt the “cross that bridge when I come to it” mentality#because sheeeeesh#this is also sort of bestie number two’s fault because she’s the one who asked me all those questions#“what are you going to do if he confesses to you” GIRL I DON’T KNOW! I’m barely trying to establish a friendship right now#but of course now I AM wondering what I’d do#well I’ll tell you one thing I’m not going to be cruel like those kdrama female leads#that break the heart of the guy they like just because they think it’s better to let him go right now#if — IF! — that ever happened#I guess I’d let him express himself and then express myself and explain where I’m at right now#and we’d figure something out#which would be a sign of trust and teamliness I’d say!#but anyway. that’s like step 50. right now I’m on step 3#and who knows if I’ll go beyond this one#it’s actually his job to take the next one (texting me again) and I will NOT jump the gun under any circumstances#so. yep. actually expressing myself here made me calm down and not have so many abstract swirling thoughts#elly's posts#🍮
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“Why’s he call you Darlin’?”
on my knees begging my brain to stop trying to associate this song with Sam
#(it’s too late guys i’ve already added it to a couple playlists. i can’t help it)#redacted audio#redacted asmr#redacted sam#redacted darlin#rp audio stuff#Seven’s Blorbo Songs#music stuff#i fell down a rabbit hole of music videos on YT last night and decided to give this song a chance based on the title obviously#skipped through all the exposition just to quickly find out if i liked the song or not#and as soon as the first line came in i went head-in-hands at my desk bc i just Knew it was over for me#i hate that i like it#it’s very repetitive and giving strong Modern/Mainstream Pop-Rap-Country vibes#but i’m not too proud to admit that i eat that shit up on occasion#‘You’ve been beatin’ ‘round the bush so much you’re knockin’ off the leaves.’ goes kinda hard tho i’m ngl#‘ole boy in a Ridgeline and i drive a Chevy’ would Sam be a truck elitist? hmm#i doubt it. i see him as too practical-minded to care about brand names and shit like that#like irl i think it’s very silly. and perhaps a little questionable to hate on a ‘foreign’ vehicle. but i don’t even like trucks at all so#insecure country boys and their obsession with big trucks are ruining the road for us regular people that just want a normal ass car#but i’ll stop before i go off on a rant about america’s transportation problems#anyways. i can separate reality from fiction and i love the image of Sam in a beat up beloved old truck. cliché as it may be#getting back on track. my POINT was that the song doesn’t even necessarily fit Sam’s vibes i just. can’t undo the association#been trying to think of a way for it to fit him but that would require Darlin’ to be cheating on him and i don’t like that thought#like i love some types of angst but cheating isn’t one of them#i could view it through the context of being directed at Alexis bc i already hate her lmao but once again it doesn’t fit in canon#and i don’t know how i feel about the thought that he used to call her Darlin’ too. though it’s very possible. mmm angst#not that it has to fit with canon for me to attach a song to a character. certainly not! but i need to make it work in my mind Somehow#and i can’t even come up with a good HC to make this fit. the idea of Jealous!Sam is fun in theory but idk if i’d like it practice anyways#tldr: does this really fit canon Sam? meh. Is it forever tied to him in my mind anyways due to the use of the petname Darlin’? absolutely.#anywho. one of these days i’ll open this app to do something other than vent post or yap abt rp audio blorbos. but that day is not today!
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drabble about chapter 3 javieran late night discord (campfire) conversations because i love writing the turning point where javier finally lets himself start making moves 💔☹️
“so,” javier gestures with his bottle, the last quarter of it sloshing to get his conversation partner’s attention, “tell me about yourself.”
“oh, i’m…” kieran fiddles with his hands, pries his eyes away from javier’s bottle as the other man takes a swig of it. if he let himself look any longer, they’d end up on his lips. “i’m just me, sir. just kieran duffy. ain’t got much to tell.”
“mh.” javier grunts a reply, and kieran would think that’d be the end of it, if not for the bottle thrust at him to punctuate the response. he thinks javier is just tipsy enough not to be offering essentially backwash on purpose. he hopes it is a kind gesture. he takes it and a swig to boot. rather not be drinking with a man so pretty, but he’d rather not be one to resist one, neither.
“”just” you say. what makes you so little?” javier’s beginning to pop another beer open on his seat. without the light of the moon, the scout campfire now feels like a long, long way from the clemen’s point camp, and he now feels like no one in the world could hear his curiosity. like not a soul in this world around could accuse him of gentility.
kieran, taking the new bottle as an offer to keep the old one, finishes off his drink. shakes his head like it’s bitter. like he isn’t trying to pick apart which taste is the beer and which is javier. “i ‘unno. suppose- no one’s cared so much before. i feel so little, i can’t say i feel right justified in going around and advertising myself. plenty of interesting folk around, and they sure don’t look like me.” javier cocks an eyebrow.
for once since months ago in colter, dark brown eyes meet green, and they stay there. grass plants it’s roots in rich soil, and it feels like home. kieran can see javier’s eyes flicker to his lips, and he convinces himself it meant nothing. uproots himself and looks back at the fire.
javier lets his eyes roam kieran’s profile a bit- his long lashes, his hooked nose, his sunspots- and suddenly he really, really needs another drink. he’s parched. he mirrors the other man’s fixation on the fire with another swig. “can’t say any of us nowadays look too alike. not unless you get the privilege of being born in the city, with money. every man has his story. if you think it is a competition, maybe you should consider yourself lucky that you haven’t lived enough chaos to be “interesting”.”
kieran snorts, “you don’t know the half of it… sir.” he tacks the term messily onto the sentence, hoping it’ll be enough to keep javier from strangling him to death for his tone. instead, he turns to see javier with a wide smile, drooping eyes creasing like a canine with it’s fangs bared. it makes kieran feel cold- like prey who yearns for the warm embrace of his predator’s breath on his neck.
“tell me then. what makes you so interesting and me so ignorant?”
#if anyone cares#my timeline for javieran is that javier immediately thinks kieran is so beautiful. like. from day one#but to be in love with him would be blasphemy#so he ignores it and allows it to fester and lowk eat him from the inside out until clemens point where he simply does not think inaction is#worth it anymore. he feels the dread of the pinkertons breathing down his neck and he says. fuck it. if i die tomorrow i’d rather not regret#not allowing myself to at least talk to the damn guy. and so he relents and starts being more and more openly curious of kieran#talking to him and seeking him out and spending time with/around him and even going out of his way to find him alone and keep him company#and he falls HARD and he falls FAST and he becomes so addicted to kieran and to … loving him that he forgets why they’re there in the first#place. forgets that he isn’t there to learn every single fact and tidbit about kieran. and every single pore and follicle on his skin as wel#this takes place right where they’ve arrived where everyone is exhausted from settling in and the camp is abnormally quiet because of it#but kieran is still up. javier sees him poking at the scout campfire. he always did enjoy the quiet of the evening where there’s no one arou#nd to harass him or threaten him or make him do anything he doesn’t want to. and javi figures now is as good a time as any.#grabs a case of beer and takes one drink from the first one to help with the nerves and sets off to become head kieranologist#anyway i’ll shut up#i hope yall love them like i do ☹️#rdr2#red dead redemption 2#kieran duffy#javier escuella#javieran#text#hero more like shakespeare#<- writing tag. because i didn’t have one before. and also funny.#this is gonna get 0 likes but that’s ok cuz i love them bad </3
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suddenly I have realized my bad habit of procrastinating has become a nearly debilitating fear
#Like#for ex I had an exam due today#I meant to study for it over the week#But every time I sat down to do so I just got really scared and stressed and felt like I wasn’t going to be able to study enough???#And so I couldn’t concentrate and did literally anything else instead and it ruined my entire week bc I was so worried#And anyways I ended up actually studying for the exam for only around 3 hours. TODAY. And took it and sent it in just before midnight.#Which is a very bad habit that I have#I’m pretty sure I did well tho#bc despite the fact I was so worried I wasn’t ready for it that I didn’t GET ready for it#I do actually know the material pretty well#And now I’m sitting here with the knowledge that if I’d sat and just studied even ONE other time this week#I could easily have gotten a 100#And now I’m realizing that I may have anxiety#Which I knew before but like. Now I KNOW#And also a really bad case of I Need To Be Perfect Or The World Will End And Everyone Will Hate Me#also the adhd isn’t helping#So yeah#That’s something that happened#I tend to put things off bc “im not ready” for them in general now that I think abt it. Huh.#evie rambles#Evie rants#It has become a habit of mine to vent in the tumblr tags#Sorry folks#XD
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since im on a low dose to start off, the adderall only lasts about four hours, though honestly I think it still helps for a little while after. It’s like all the brain noise takes a few hrs to seep back in if after it’s done being active ig???? But it’s kinda hilarious when I can tell it’s fully worn off and im like back to my default bc im literally such a mess again. Now that I can compare it’s literally like me unmedicated is like every single thought I have thinks it’s the most important and relevant one so they all try to be at the forefront of my mind, and when I am medicated somehow my brain knows which ones aren’t relevant and I can just stay in the present.. it’s really interesting but now I think I definitely need a higher dose bc there is so much going on in my mind rn lmao I enjoy the peace and quiet
#doesn’t* ->#Don’t rly bum me out like how ive heard others feel when it wears off bc ik ill be at a good dose soon and im talking to the medication#well i think so there is like A Solution#taking* not talking lol#if that makes sense#just me thinking#also helps me track the effects if I’m writing it down somewhere#text#This is all good stuff I’m happy I did look into adhd since I’d been suspecting it for a while now
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touching grass does not work and was made up by Big Outside bc Why after every shift at work do i feel more insane about joker out than usual
#like i’m so full of pride and joy and gratitude towards them#eeeeeven more than normal#my chest feels tight#i ache to see them again#like girl calm down it’s just 5 dudes singing in their frilly little language#and this keeps happening#like i have a base level sort of everyday amount of feeling for them#which i’d say is much higher than the average person#but everytime i get back from work i’m holding my breath thinking of them#and tonight i did no help that they were playing a show …. and i couldn’t find a stream#christ#i’m a lesbian why do i care so much about these guys#joker out
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since hiphoppia and h era reformation are connected, i was thinking about what of rinka i’d like backbone to answer/emulate and a song based on these ideals i think would be fire
#this is vee speaking#i’m not quite sure what to expect from awake but if i had to guess#it would be an answer to juto’s lonely only rabbit in bsb and reminiscing about the past in uncrushable#he’s awake so to say about the power mtc holds to change the world maybe#rio’s i think i’d like it to be about the end of his mission and no war is a metaphor for that#i also think it’d be sick if rio was calling out chuuoku for ‘ending’ conflict but have actually weaponised it lol#i hope rio is chuuoku’s biggest hater after ramuda once he learns what chuuoku has been doing to iojaku lmao#samatoki has been in a pensive mood since the 2nd drb and it shows in his music but even with him taking a step back to think#he has still gotten across plenty that he would like to burn it all down#and i kinda hope both the instrumentals and lyrics get that across lol#part of that pensive mindset came from being moved by ichiro (slug mentioned the song vaguely referenced their battle in the tdd manga)#so i’m like reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally curious what’s in store next for their relationship#like we JUST got the samatoki who wanted to help ichiro achieve his goals back so what’s up samatoki???? those are fighting words lol#but also like………. who is that verse in the second pic directed to??????? ichiro?????? rio????? juto????? nemu??????#they call samatoki the ultimate big bro for a reason he sure does carry a lot on his shoulders lol
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WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME BURROWS END WASNT FREE
#I DIDNT TALK TO ANYONE ABOUT IT BUT STILL. SOMEONE SHOULDVE WARNED ME BEFORE I GOT COMPLETELY INVESTED#I know next to nothing abt dimension 20 I’m pretty sure I just saw a post abt burrows end specifically MONTHS ago and was like 👀👀👀#opened a tab with the first episode to watch later and promptly forgot about it#until last night! having a bad night and was like hrm what if I just watch smth#and I’ve been reading watership down recently!! finally got my own copy bc it was my favourite book when I was like NINE#so I am fully primed to fall in love with a story abt little animals rn and man#I am OBSESSED with this and also realising yeah I’m at a point where I could get very into tabletop rpgs now#what if. what if I just get dropout. what if I just do that. would that not be fun. I would like to see the stoats do stuff#i am so in love with Ava and her player and I understand so much more about brennan lee mulligan now. and VIOLA#viola may be my favourite character I’m obsessed with how she interacts with other characters.m#i NEED to know what’s up with thorn’s cult thing. and also thorn. what is going on there#hrrgrhehh the thing that’s holding me back is I’m allergic to subscriptions#impermanence. even though I know it’s fairly unlikely I’ll wanna watch it again any time soon I don’t like the idea that I’d have to like#in a couple years pay for it again or not be able to bc I can’t afford it even though I already paid for it once#I’m a books + cartridge games guy and it shows.#okay. I will chew on this. the price is not unreasonable and I have coincidentally also been looking at make some noise clips#it does not help that I basically never watch things but my favourite podcast is also ending within the next month (2 episodes left)#and this IS primarily audio so I could cook + watch mayhaps. and I’ve heard good things abt all other d20.#they have a 20% off first year deal on. annual would make me less stressed long term if I end up liking this bc cheaper + choice premade#and would also mean I can do it now and not feel bad abt wasting the first month bc I won’t be able to watch much for a few weeks#fuck it I’m allowed to make frivolous purchases sometimes I will simply swallow the subscription distaste#more stoats >:)#that aside all the players are incredible I’m pretty sure when this is done I’ll wanna watch other seasons just to see what else they do#okay go do the thing I believe in you you can spend money sometimes#luke.txt#update I downloaded the app. I am putting off the decision for another day now bc it’s 1:21am and I have not been thinking clearly <3
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fuck i really am a perfectionist FUCK
#i’ll just be sitting there thinking some shit like i wish i could find the Ideal Way to do Everything surely it can’t be that hard surely if#i just keep trying different things different self-imposed systems surely i’ll find one that will get me to do everything- ah lads#AH LADS NOT AGAIN!!!!#good that i’ve started noticing though#before i’d just have the thought#now i can actually realize when i have a thought that boils down to ‘if i try hard enough i can become perfect’#coughs. coughs very discreetly and awkwardly.#i will still keep trying to be the best person best musician i can but. how do i separate that from perfectionism? how do I JUST GO HOW DO#JUST LIVE?#computer search how to become a perfect being. i mean computer search how to become able to function on command#rather than forcing myself to do things#even if it’s. IM GONNA FUCKING SCREAM this is just like when i yelled at my friend in the practice rooms#i love her and we have good conversations but i think there we reached a point where we really couldn’t help each other anymore#not like in GENERAL just in that. i have my problems and I FUCKING KNOW what they are but. i don’t know! it’s just not art fucking easy!#why is it not fucking easy it should be fucking easy! why am i scared of everything!#is everyone scared of everything??????#I NEED A THERAPIST MOMENT NUMBER FIVE THOUSAND#i might not even need a therapist though maybe i’m just fucking growing up#BUT I’D LIKE TO NOT HAVE AN UNDERCURRENT OF FEAR ON ALMOST EVERY TIME#not every time i’ve gotten better but it creeps back like the water and im like oh you and then i#can’t pull the stopper why can’t i pull the FUCKIN stopper it’s right there it’d be so easy and#nothing repels me except something mysterious some the water the water repels me#just by being there the water will not harm me it will not affect me in any way and i know this and i fear the water#should i write a fuckin poem. lmfao.
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