#so I guess maybe it is my fault
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Kid #2 watching Moana again
My husband: Do you think Magic Pants would like the shiny crab song if he was still alive?
Me: …..
Him: ….
Me: You mean David Bowie???????
Him: …
Him: I JUST FORGOT HIS NAME FOR A SECOND
Me: Magic Pants????????
Him: THIS IS YOUR FAULT.
Me: HOW’S THIS MY FAULT????
#Moana#to be fair I do call the song ‘Pants Magic Pants’#so I guess maybe it is my fault#david bowie#sorry my dude
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I think it would really benefit people to internalize that mental illnesses are often chronic and not acute. Some of us will never be able to jump the hurdle of managing illness, much less sustaining a sense of normalcy. Many of us will never "recover," will never manage symptoms, will never even come close to appearing normal - and this is for any condition, even the ones labeled as "simple" disorders or "easy-to-manage" disorders.
It isn't a failure if you cannot manage your symptoms. It isn't a moral failure, and you aren't an awful person. You are human. There's only so much you can do before recognizing that you cannot lift the world. Give yourself the space to be ill because, functionally, you are.
#mental health#mental health advocacy#like... anxiety and depression are often concieved of as simple and easy to manage...#...but that isn't the case for so many of us. anxiety and depression just have a lot more research invested into them...#...and while i wish this were the case for literally every other condition it does alter people's perception of you to some extent...#...so while this is NOT solely about anxiety or depression it includes us...#...my anxiety and depression and PTSD have *destroyed* my life. this is chronic and will probably be life-long...#...and that isn't my fault. i've done the fucking work but guess what? that doesn't account for the fact that I Am Just ILL#the least we can do for each other is to be compassionate#be compassionate to those who cannot heal. be compassionate to the people who can't manage their lives. this world is scary enough#recognize that management of symptoms is something not all of us can do - even IF their condition is labeled as 'easy to manage'#i allowed myself to feel angry that i can't heal 'normally' and that was unfair as fuck toward myself#and i NEED people to internalize this so that MAYBE this could help somebody else who is where i was#i NEED them to understand that it's okay that they are where they are - sometimes shit just doesn't turn out how you expect or want#don't beat yourself over you being a person. you are struggling enough. you deserve to rest. just rest please#and just... give yourself space
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No but like every time I think about Splinter and what he had to go through just to keep the boys alive, my heart hurts for him so badly. Is he perfect? No not at all, but none of them are and by god does he love his sons.
The fact that all of them are alive, and grew to thrive despite the circumstances surrounding them is a testament of how much Splinter loves his boys. He raised four babies following the most traumatic time of his life, all alone with nothing but the sewers to house them (to hide them.) I feel like he’s not given the credit he deserves for all he’s done.
And I get that it’s easy to hold up his flaws and faults when it comes to parenting, I myself like looking into them because flawed characters are super interesting and said flaws make them more realistic and engaging, but he tries, and again, so many others would have given up on the boys or failed along the way but Splinter didn’t.
He’s their father, for all his faults he did his damndest to make sure they survived.
#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt splinter#rise splinter#he’s not perfect as I’ve said#and he’s got a whole slew of flaws and faults#but he’s a person - we are all flawed#he loves his sons dearly dearly dearly even if he struggles along the way to show that#parenting is not easy! especially as a traumatized mutant who is forced to do it alone#side note but I think this is one of the reasons why it kiiiiiinda ruffles my feathers to see so many people assign parentification to Raph#and in turn make Splinter out to be way worse and way more distant than he is in canon?#like idk I just don’t see what so many others see ig but maybe that’s just me#i guess my thoughts are like- let parents have flaws without villainizing them?#they’re still parents even if they mess up?#we can discuss the repercussions of a parents actions on a child while not casting that parent as an awful person#parents are peopleeee#I could go on but yeahhh#idk it bothers me seeing splinter’s efforts undermined when he’s been through so much#idk if ppl realized this by now but I love me some flawed characters#tho I do think in this fandom the ones whose faults are discussed the most are like#Splinter mostly then Draxum then Leo#of the main cast#and in Splinters case in particular his faults are made to cover his good qualities which makes me sad#because he is SO INTERESTING#they’re all flawed characters and tbh so interesting because their flaws are ALSO their strengths in many aspects
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The ever looming feeling of "Hating Mischaraterization of your fav" alongside with "I have seen what is and isn't proper characterization post on my tl for 2 weeks now, at this point having the character write with a fountain pen versus a ballpoint will be enough for someone to rant post about."
These coexist.
(This ain't a thing hating on fanon vs canon type posts I swear)
#THIS AINT DIRECTED TOWARDS ANYONE I PROMISE.#this has just been the gen mood for the past couple years i guess.#dont get me wrong i love a character analysis and it aint no bodies fault that my twiitter tl decided to stockpile on those type of posts#but damn yknow sometimes you kinda get that feeling that people focus too much on what should be the proper way to interpret a character#and then a good chunk of the fandom circle you're saddled in does it and its all you see for the next few days.#and youre kinda like sitting here thinkinh to yourself (damn this is a lot to be expecting from people that make fan works for free#obviously theres more specifics than this but i can only babble on so much detail at 1:11 AM on a Sunday#maybe its the tiny artist insecurity or maybe it is a rising thing. who knows.
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"What do you remember of being human, Echo?" The question is out of the blue and unexpected. But Sora offers a patient smile and tilts her head in curiosity, just enough that one of her ears flops over. It's endearing, if anything.
But Echo wishes she hadn't asked.
"Not much. Distinct memories are cloudy." A tired tone says softly, a pained recollection in her eyes and an acrid haze in her soul that endures, endures, and endures, "But I remember the discomfort more than anything. My body always did feel wrong back then. Misshapen. Condensed. Like it was too small for everything buried underneath, and that ache went so deeply some days that it would make my skin crawl. I hated that part the most."
At that, Sora's expression falls. She looks inexplicably sad, as if she'd hoped for a different response, a gentler one despite knowing the harsh truth about the dark future and the struggles Echo must have suffered. "But you had Grovyle, right? I'm sure he took care of you."
"He did, Sora, of course he did." A sigh, a flick of an ear and claws clenched tightly into the churned earth pressed under her paws. "I doubt I deserved his attention, though. I was too busy being angry at the world to give any care back."
In my lore, Echo does not look fully human during their time in the dark future. Since they were Darkrai before becoming human, and as a result of Palkia's reckless shattering of the Dimensional Portal which distorted both time and space, Echo's transformation was broken and accidental. They ended up looking pretty messed up and definitely (not) human. A lot of their characteristics as Darkrai carried over but rather morphed into something else.
And Grovyle, growing up in a world where humans have been extinct for longer than any living pokémon has been alive, has no concept of what a "true" human looks like. The only thing he knows is descriptions of humans from glyphs and texts in old ruins. Thus, he mistakes Echo for an actual human. And Echo, not knowing what a human looks like themselves due to amnesia, accepts this identification with nothing better to use.
#Grovyle: Hmm. Bipedal and powerless. Five-fingered hands. Wears clothing. Has... hair?? This thing must be a human like from the old texts!!#Echo: Sure I guess. Let's go with that.#Frankly I'm much more interested in Echo being some sort of pokemon cryptid than a plain ol' human tbh gimme claws and a spiteful aura#Gimme a severely messed up creature with amnesia and unhinged monster vibes and SO MUCH APATHY#Just the idea of Darkrai being shoved into a pseudo-human body and not remembering who they are but feeling SUPER dysphoric about it#And Echo basically being the most unpleasant person in the universe during their time as a pseudo-human; literally the worst vibes#But despite that a little Treecko stumbles upon Echo and thinks they're cool and awesome cause “wow you're a human!!”#Like cmon you're telling me glyph reading; ruin exploring; treasure stealing; world-fixing idealist Grovyle wouldn't be a fanboy about it#Thus begins their Found Family Arc(TM) and Echo is trapped#Does Grovyle's optimism eventually rub off onto Echo? Yes.#Anyway do you guys want any lore on Echo? Pls lemme know cause I could start sharing it a bit#I have some notes I could post or maybe more art?#kudos to Scribz for causing me to hyperfixate on my emo girl so much (this is your fault)#echo/human#echo/umbreon#pmd ocs#pmd2#pmd eos#explorers of sky#my art
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i want to delete my twitter account so fucking bad
#i grew my following off of anime stuff and now i'm into completely different stuff and i feel like posting about it -#will alienate my audience way too much#(if you wanna know - these days i hardly even watch one anime a year)#i wanna post about the fuckin saw movies and postal and weird video games and metalocalypse and music i like#and i want to post about my ocs without it feeling like i'm speaking gibberish to a crowd#but none of my followrs GIVE A FUCK#also i find it impossible to make friends on twt 😭😭😭😭 i have like 5 mutuals i'd consider friends#but alas i have too many industry pro followrs to just deactivate#and 40k followers is invaluable as someone whose only form of income rn is comms#tumblr has similar problems but at least i can talk about my ocs properly cuz of tagging#i don't like how monetized my account has become it feels so fucking disingenuous#it's just retweet retweet retweet post art retweet retweet#if twitter went under it'd be a blessing in disguise for me#oh well. suffering from success i guess#maybe one day i'll move accounts and KILL STARRYSHARKS ONCE AND FOR ALL#this is all 13 yr old me's fault#sorry for ranting/venting ig??? on main lol
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by the way
#maybe I'll delete this later I think I'm just in this awful strange mood#I unno I think I've been facing a lot of anxiety that people are seeing the art I'm making and like...#thinking the awful woobified guys I usually draw. becuase I like drawing guys hugging. is my a ctual genuine interpretation.#its not. sorrrrry#sorry if you've seen my awful charactercatures of them and than thought I didn't get them.... sorry I'm spreading mischaracterization...#my fault really. I shoudl just stop drfawing characters acting in ways I think they wouldnt' act. ooc. but its fun. maybe I'll just start#tagging that type of thing “ooc” so everyone knows its not canon to me. erugh. whagever#not tagging mind he is just an example here. I guess#jbird's art
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#my little brother is engaged :/#don’t know if any of you remember me posting about the whole situation like 8 months ago but i feel soo weird#and sad because i want to b happy for him but he’s six yrs older than her and she’s 19..#or i guess twenty now maybe whatever i feel so aggh. and he moved to a different country so i just feel like i’m never gonna see him again#like i knew this was coming they’re both super religious so i was like yeah they’re going to want to get married and have kids fast but.#it just feels crazy. i know that’s selfish but i have such a bad gut feeling about it that i can’t shake#but i can’t do anything about it so. idk. i just feel so lonely when things like this happen because i don't have anyone outside of the#family bubble to talk to about it. and obviously everyone else is like super happy for them. and it's not that i don't like her! i just#don't really? know her? at all which feels weird because we are a very close sibling group and i feel like i know & get on with my other#siblings' partners. i think it's partly like i just don't ever hang around people who are under twenty so she feels really young to me#which isn't her fault obviously but. do feel kind of scared for her getting married at twenty so she can start having babies.... idk idk#and obviously on top of that it's my younger brother so it does feel a little salt in the wound that he's moving on with his life and i am#counting it a win these days if i don't want to kms every three minutes#god it just sucks lol and i can't talk about it 2 anyone so i am venting here
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do you guys think the writers would have taken it more seriously if it had been alastair around relentlessly tormenting dean in late seasons as opposed to lucifer with sam
#i'm just thinking#like obviously late seasons writers tend to be inconsistent with handling trauma in any case but#like when dean first came back from hell we actually spent a lot of time with it#and with sam yeah we had his hallucinations but late seasons when lucifer is a problem again we only really get like#sam talking abt his trauma with rowena once#and this isn't meant to be dean critical like it's not his fault the writers gloss over how they've put sam into a horror show all alone#i just know dean gets more attention than sam does late seasons and i'm wondering if ppl would've been more willing to deal w it#but also the thought of alastair being around late seasons haunting dean in the way lucifer does sam is kind of awesome#alastair possessing someone in the bunker hmmmmmmmmm#PLEASE add onto this with any thoughts on alastair being around late seasons omg#alastair reviving dean like how lucifer revived sam in beat the devil?#idk alastair was always so much cooler to me than lucifer was maybe thats why my brain is obsessed with this now#i guess maybe like. you could do this same thing with michael. but alastair just seems more interesting to think abt#and amara was around too i guess#but. idk let me have this#anyway#spn#supernatural#sam winchester#dean winchester#alastair spn#lucifer spn
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ok, it does freak me out that i’m apparently STILL one degree of separation on this site from people who hated me when i was a teenager and somehow still haven’t moved on from this, and part of why i’m currently reaching out to emdr therapists and got a ptsd diagnosis is because i’ve been the victim of several incidents of stalking, but ultimately i think that’s very sad behavior and like you really can’t be happy if you’re spending that much time thinking about me and i don’t even know you and we don’t even know each other.
#maybe it’s partly my fault i attract weirdos bc i’ve kept the same username for a really long time#so i’m easy to idk follow across blogs i guess#but if your username was pjharvey wouldn’t you…#ok normal now 👍🏻
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"ultrus is right, i am weak and pathetic" / "callie believes the way she loves is fundamentally repulsive" / "all i ever cared about was being useful someday" . things i think about a normal amount
#these arent the exact quotes ... sols is a lil longer and i dont remember the Exact SR callies is from#also guess who wrote a mini essay in the tags AND THEN TUMBLR DELETED IT#anyway. ultimately . . tldr#sol is scared of being alone and believes that hes weak but also that if he Just works Hard enough he can be good and helpful and belong#and so is the inverse true. when people leave you its because you didnt work hard enough and its your fault#and callie whos been up against rejection her whole life and cldnt understand why except that she loved too hard and it drove people away#and in her moments of most intense loss going cold. overwhelmed by shame. why wld she think it wld go right this time. shldve known better#and maybe somethin abt callie being a poet. who always thought about what the world Could be. not what it is (cyra) or what it will (oliana#but ultimately with this overwhelming feeling that shes fundamentally unloveable and has to stop herself from daydreaming#then calder who. brothers ranger and mother ranger general. a family who is known aroind the ice knife as their protectors.#and the runt of the pack calder kilde. who was small and looked down on and overprotected and didnt dream of being a leader but a soldier.#dreamt of being a shield not a sword. use; and usefulness; in the sense of belonging. i am used because i am so valued and loved#anyway..... i just think duck team all have their . harrowing and peculiar relationship to like. self worth and loneliness#how the way they see themselves (weak/unloveable/small) intersect with how they feel isolated and abandoned and excluded#and how they react to that feeling in their own unique way....#these r just my silly little thoughts :3#noodles in my brain. ehehehe. im . i think abt it a normal amount#ramble tag#(and hey since were here hardwon who thinks he hurts the people he loves and isolates himself from his loved one because of tha-)#*i am escorted off the tags*#naddpod
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ok so like i’ve seen a few posts blaming mira and ephraim for what happened to ezra and i think that is. a weird take. anyway my personally belief is that tzeebo wasn’t their only plan for ezra if they were taken because they feel like the kind of people to have a network of allies if the goddamn governer of lothal was their friend. i also imagine that they weren’t the only people taken by the empire that night or afterwards, because i feel like it’s implied that they weren’t the only people speaking out against the empire? so like, they probably had a network of people to take care of ezra if something happened but that network dissolved due to arrests, people fleeing, etc etc until there was no way for anyone to find ezra or for ezra to find anyone else and then he was on his own and it was no one’s fault but the empire.
#star wars rebels#star wars#ezra bridger#people villainizing mira and ephraim are so weird 2 me#i don’t really know how to explain why i hate it so much but it’s just. something#maybe because it’s kind of victim blaming i guess? or saying like ‘speaking out is only okay if you’re the perfect voice for it’#which is funny because that is. exactly the opposite of what their broadcasts were about#anyway#also irl i think a lot of activists ARE parents. from what my own parents have said. having kids does change your perspective on the future#like yeah of course they spoke out. their kid was born on the day the empire took over and they watched the galaxy fall to even more shit.#they spoke out because they wanted things to be better for him and it’s not their fault that things went wrong
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Some thoughts on Asra's route...
Replaying Asra's route after having played Muriel's really hits different...
In one of the other routes Asra and Muriel appear to start a romantic relationship, and in Asra's route it's very clear that Muriel cares very deeply for Asra and dislikes the Apprentice. He mentions in one of the paid? dream scenes that he's worried about Asra and the Apprentice fading into their own world and leaving everyone else behind (again, apparently), and that he's determined to stop this from happening. His concern for Asra and initial hostility toward the Apprentice may be rooted in jealousy, not only because his oldest (and only) friend was more or less taken from him, but perhaps with romantic connotations as well.
In Book XI: Justice, Asra and Julian stage a mock trial by combat against Muriel. Though he apparently agreed to participate and is implied to have returned to the Coliseum of his own volition, presumably out of concern for Asra, who has been accused of being Julian's accomplice... he is still more or less backed into a corner and forced to play along with Asra and Julian's plan to stage a fight.
Now, to be fair to Asra, he states after everything goes wrong that it wasn't supposed to end this way, and it appeared that he was attempting to not only exonerate himself and Julian from their charges but somehow help Muriel overcome his past (he does disintegrate Muriel's chains during the fight no matter what choices you make). There was a point during this that I thought I could guess what Asra's plan was regarding Muriel's past, but being refreshed on how it actually pans out, I can't remember it now. Something about making the people of Vesuvia realize how barbaric the Coliseum was under Lucio.
The thing that stands out to me throughout this whole ordeal is that Asra knows about Muriel's trauma. He knows he was enslaved to Lucio and forced to fight and execute people in the Coliseum. He knows that Muriel is terrified of hurting other people, especially those he cares about. In Asra's route, the only person Muriel cares about is Asra, so hurting him is triggering for him. He literally is in a stupor after the board he was using as a weapon splinters off and hits Asra in the mouth, making him bleed. This is clearly meant to make the reader worried about Asra, but Muriel reacts as well, and appears hypnotized by the blood. I remember the first time I read this I thought he was going to have some crazy berserker-Hulk sort of reaction, but having read his route, it's way more tragic.
Though Muriel did seem to return to the Coliseum of his own volition, it does seem that Asra took this as a sign that he was coming to terms with his trauma. He was willing to exploit Muriel's care for him in order to save his own skin so he can be with the Apprentice. Though I recognize Asra's other toxic traits to some degree, I also have similar ones myself so they don't really stand out to me. This, however, where he more or less disregards Muriel's feelings on the matter, is actually really crushing. In Muriel's route, his whole thing is that he DOES NOT want to fight, he DOES NOT want to even spar with the Apprentice with blunt sticks out of fear of hurting them, so why would he willingly go along with this unless he was more or less in the same position Lucio put him in? Fight in the arena, or something bad will happen to Asra.
Asra knows this, and puts him through it regardless. During the whole fight, Julian's actions are written so as to make it seem like he's the one messing things up--he takes the "finishing blow" that Muriel was going to deal to Asra and gets knocked unconscious. Asra spends most of the entire time doing flashy, dramatic magic tricks that get the crowd cheering for him. After he "wins", he and the Apprentice are carried out of the Coliseum like heroes. Though Asra will try to soothe Muriel if the Apprentice so chooses right before the end, and he does look for Muriel in the crowd, he seems otherwise unbothered or unaware of the impact this may be having on his oldest friend. Which is pretty shitty.
Of course, Asra, Julian, and Muriel are all playing characters during their fight--Asra is the flashy magician, Julian is the rogueish BDSM dagger guy, and Muriel is the Scourge. Asra obviously can't show his concern even if he wanted to because he's supposed to be fighting Muriel. But putting his bro into this situation in the first place says a lot about his character. Though Julian is the one whose route is based around self-loathing because he believes he hurts everyone around him, Asra is the only one who gets what he wants out of this ordeal, and he even says so right before the chapter ends. Muriel was forced to relive his trauma and didn't get the resolution that was intended, and Julian gets KOed by a punch that literally sent him flying across the arena (though he probably enjoyed it tbh, he's a nasty little man like that lmao).
I wonder if this dynamic between Asra and Muriel was intentionally written this way in order to further amplify his tunnel vision when it comes to the Apprentice. Is this is how he acted in the past, causing Muriel to hate the Apprentice as he does and remark that he won't allow it to happen again? Maybe (probably) I'm reading too much into it, but as a survivor of abuse and trauma it rubs me the wrong way much more than Asra's obsessive, clingy nature. Of all of the reversed ends, Asra's is the one that actually scared me and kind of haunted me, because it hits a little too close to home.
These are all just thoughts that I wanted to spill out because I thought it was interesting and I wasn't sure if anyone else has talked about it before.
#the arcana#asra alnazar#muriel the mountain man#muriel of the kokhuri#asra the arcana#asra the magician#muriel the arcana#my thoughts#i mean maybe they do talk about this later in the route and i just forgot but???#considering lucio's route and the way that was handled i don't expect it#i adore asra#he literally checks all my boxes for my favorite tropes#but like... this actually is kind of insane and i hope muriel was the one to be like “i can play scourge... i guess” but i doubt it#it also makes me wonder if asra projected onto julian and that's why ilya thinks everything is his fault#because i can't see mazelinka and the grandmas raising julian to think he's not worthy of love#asra however might have given him that impression during their time together?? which is just a big no from me ok#just some thoughts though lmao#this game has returned as my major hyperfixation so i apologize for the novel and all these tags
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Yayyyyyyyy
#paper’s art#Oc#wheeze.#As much as i liked drawing this and liked how it turned out idk if i ever want to that height chart ever again#Honestly its my fault it was so inconvenient to do#At first the canvas was way too skinny for it like twice#And my drawing program doesnt just let you extend the canvas you have to just make a new one so i had copy and paste each character twice#And then since i just cropped the pictures instead of just copy pasting from the og things the lines were attached to the gray background s#I couldnt color them#And then i thought why not just trace over them again so we dont have to deal wiht the sketch lines or the different line thicknesses#So i started doing that i got ben done but i hated doing that so i stopped#So then i was like screw it im just gonna copy paste the lineart from the og drawings#So i did that but since they got smaller/ bigger i had to manually size the new backgroundless lineart over the old ones and also some of#Them i stretch a little so i also had to do that#And then yeah i clored them. Thats it#Also finding the old drawings was kihnda hard#But that was afew days ago so i forget idk#Also as much as i love this au already i hate drawing those instruments#THE BRASS INSTURMENTS!!!!!#The woodwinds wre fine i guess since i already knew how to draw saxophone and flute and clarinets are just sticks#But wtf why do brass instruments looks like that#Also i know that even though i named this a marching band au and not a wind ensemble au i know theres no perc but consider.#I am not in battery or pit so i dont really know what goes on over there#Also theres only like 8 of them i cant get all the instruments#I liked giving them summer clothes though#Idk maybe i draw this au again if i get the motivation#WHEEZEEEE…#< jsut described all the pictures…
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#feeling really lonely lately and idk why#i mean i guess this is what 5 years of complete isolation do to ya lol#but yeah... sometimes it hits me that i don't really have friends (my fault obvs) and i just sit here with no idea how to change that lol#cause i have the curse of being ok while i'm alone and feeling incredibly anxious when i'm with people#so i convince myself that i'm better alone#and i am for the most part#but then 5 years since the last time i met someone that wasn't my mom or my brother go by and i go ''hmm... i don't think this is healthy''#and i spiral into a pit of dispair#like i can't believe that my highschool years when i was an absolute emo ''i hate everybody and everybody hates me'' kind of dude#were healthier than now#because i had online friends whom i talked to for hours about just random shit#and i met incredible people in uni but i haven't talked to them in literally i'm gonna say 5 years?#and the fact that they live 3hs away doesn't help but still#and i fully know I'M the problem#cause i isolate myself and i don't text and i don't hang out when they arrange hang outs#(again being 3hs away. relying on public transport and not feeling comfortable going out at night don't help..)#but also i put waaaayyyy too much pressure on this so that doesn't help at all#and i'm waaaay to awkward and self depricating to even attempt to have a meaningful friendship with anyone...#so i'm left here (by my own actions) alone and sad lol#i might be getting my period btw so maybe that's why i want to die today#but yeah... it's been in my head for a while now and i wanted to get it out so i can move the fuck on#if only i could be a normal person... sigh#angel talks#personal
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pictures + a phone charm from the bunkyo hydrangea festival 😊
#my phone camera is really blurry (maybe not my phone's fault. i have shaky hands) but i want to take pictures of the stuff i got in japan so#do it blurry i guess!#mine#japan trip
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