#so I guess I’ll just allow myself to feel all the sorts of weird I feel .

[cherry-vennom]

👁️🪽

[yallthemwitches]

Too Much Birthday

A sequel of sorts to my @jilytoberfest fic for Day 11 (Small Touches) Written for Day 14, prompt:Surprise Party!

Might be a contender for the fluffiest thing I've ever written if I'm being honest...

AO3 Link Here

“Wow, my mates truly have no shame do they?”

Lily creaks open the door to the boy’s dorm. Records and jumpers litter the floor all the way to where James is leaned up in his bed, a copy of Transfiguration Travails open on his knee.

“Nope—absolutely none for the whole lot of them, but don’t act like you are so shocked.”

James puts the magazine down and sits up. Lily tries not to let her eyes settle on where his shirt is unbuttoned three places more than it should, but the backdrop of his bed is making it even more difficult to ignore. She wonders if he hadn’t just broken up with Maelle a week ago would he be somewhere else, somewhere more festive, rather than holing up in his room.

“Ok Evans. Go on, tell me the pitch.” He smirks and crosses his arms behind his head. 

“You aren’t allowed to go downstairs until Sirius comes to get you.” 

She says it in her most stern, prefect voice, specifically leaving out some key words in the paraphrasing. What Sirius actually said was to distract him, but seeing as they were alone with his bed easily accessible, the word sounded too charged to repeat. 

“Mhm, just what I thought.” An amused smile tugs at his face. “And what is stopping me from just muscling my way past you and down the stairs?”

“I guess my bizarre loyalty to following directions.”

James’ eyes narrow and suddenly Lily wishes she hadn’t agreed to be his keeper for the unforeseeable future. After his break-up, things had been weird between them. He had stopped coming to study in the library, no longer even passing her notes when they were both bored in History of Magic. In all honesty, Sirius coming to her for this favor was the only indication that she wasn’t out of his life entirely. 

Perhaps that’s why she agreed to do it, despite knowing how dangerous it is to be left alone with Potter in his room. Because, well, she misses him. 

James stands up from the bed and takes a small step forward, eyes narrowed like a cat on the hunt. Lily plays along. She’s been around him long enough to know what his brand of mischief looks like. She takes a wider stance, arms up and poised to fight.

She waits for him to start running at her, maybe make a zig zag approach and slip past. Instead, he walks slowly— deliberate with his steps and a coy smile curling his lips.

Stopping right in front of her, he pushes his hands in his pockets, wildly amused. It's close enough to where she can feel his body heat emanate into her space. 

“I’d like to get by now.”

“No chance, Potter.”

Quicker than she can comprehend, she is lifted off the ground. They have never touched like this before but inexplicably she is now in his embrace, being pushed against his chest to hover just a few centimeters away from the floor— a far cry from the knee touches and playful smacks they give each other in the library. She lets out a squeal of surprise, then a pealing Oh! as the reality of his arms, his chest, his gleefully stupid expression all click into place. 

He drops her suddenly, eyes wide with remorse. Both hands run through his hair. 

“Oh Merlin, I’m so sorry, that was out of line.” He scrubs a hand down his face, attempting to figure out what compelled him to cross the invisible line that separated friendship from something else entirely.

“Hey, it’s fine. I was playing along.” 

An understatement; it was more than fine, brilliant even to finally feel what the embrace of James Potter felt like. 

He looks around the room, clearly no longer feeling comfortable with the situation. She wants to say there are no hard feelings— but what she really wants is for him to do it again. 

“Look, you can tell Sirius that I’ll keep myself up here and you can–”

“No really, it's fine. We were just having a laugh–calling each other’s bluff.” He looks at her with uncertainty but she ignores it.

“Ok, new idea. Why don’t you give me a grand tour of your room?”

James blinks. Any wariness about their previous incident erases from his face as he raises his eyebrows and gestures broadly to the room, spinning around once in place for effect.

“Well—here it is.”

Lily snorts. “That’s not what I mean asshole—I meant your side of the room. Knowing you, you have all kinds of weird bits and bobs hiding around.”

She doesn’t wait for an invitation, walking past him and towards the bed she found him sitting on when she entered. James follows quick at her heels, juggling between bewildered and excited. 

“Alright Potter, let's see it.”

She looks around his space. In many ways, it's a visual microcosm of him: a little messy, but with a clear method to the madness. He gestures to the bed, amusement fully restored on his face.

“Well, that’s my bed—I use it for sleeping.” 

“Alright, good start.” She can feel a smile cracking on her face. 

“And that’s my broom–I use it for quidditch.”

“Groundbreaking.”

“And those are my books—I use them for reading.”

She can’t help but laugh at the stupidity of it all–not even just the tour but everything about the evening so far. 

“Wow Potter. Have you ever thought of going into the hospitality business? You make an incredible tour guide.”

She flops herself down on the side of the bed nearest to a stack of books on the nightstand and grabs for the one separated from the rest. He stands there for a moment, eyes lingering on her with red blooming beneath the wire rim of his glasses before sitting next to her, knee jostling hers as the bed moves from his weight. 

Lily turns the book in her hand. “The Animal Instinct: My life as the first Animagus.”

He clears his throat. “I like biographies—especially ones written by old bats that make me fall asleep.”

Lily opens the book to where it is marked and recognizes her handwriting on the piece of parchment holding his place. James makes a noise of discomfort, but Lily pulls the note out of his reach.

It is months old, but she recognizes it immediately. It was one of the notes she passed to him during Professor Binns’ lecture on the Thelema Inquisition Act of 1935. Handwriting untidy and smudged, the note reads: 

Remind me to tell you about the stupid thing I did in Potions this morning.

It meant nothing really. She couldn’t even remember what stupid thing she had been referring to. Yet, the note was there nonetheless, passing through his hand each time he read before bed. 

“I just needed something to mark my page and it was the first thing I found,” he equivocates, running a hand through his hair. 

She doesn’t respond, continuing to reread the note. It is a testament to better days—days where James and her were unquestionably mates.

“Hey, can I talk to you about something?”

 Maybe it’s because of the note or maybe because she has just invaded his personal space, but she wants to be honest for once.

“After you and Maelle broke up, you started to act really weird with me–like we weren’t friends anymore.” He doesn’t say anything, looking down at his hands that rest in his lap.

“--I understand that you are probably going through a lot, but—I miss you. I just hope you know that if you want to talk, I’m here for you.”

She is staring ahead, but a calloused hand turns her face towards him and his lips meet hers. Suddenly, she can’t think anymore, can’t even remember why she is sitting in that room with him, but she can feel his mouth: warm and soft and gone as fast as it came. 

“In all honesty Evans, I have just wanted to do that.”

His hand is still on her cheek and she pulls him back, already feeling addicted to the smell of his skin and how his lips know the perfect pressure to press into hers. 

Their kisses are full of smiles and laughter as much as sighs and groans of contentment. Even after what seems like eternity, neither pulls away, both able to feel that anything beyond their space together is a speck of dust in comparison.

“Sirius will probably call for us soon–” She says it just as a matter of fact, but her mind is very far from whatever his mates have prepared for him for the rest of the evening. 

“Don’t care. Don’t need a party,” he says through his kisses, each one as tender and loving as the last.

“You sure? I heard Sirius got you a real lion—”

“I’m not one for extravagance—I’m very modest as you know.” 

She laughs and he catches it with his mouth. Joy bursting from both of them. 

“Going down there would be too much birthday, I reckon. Might as well play it safe and stay up here.”

She lets him keep kissing her, only stopping so they tangle closer together. She knows eventually Sirius will come bounding up the stairs, searching for the man of the hour, but until then, she will keep on holding him close, happiness more infectious with each passing second. 

After all, it is his birthday.

[fernsnailz]

February 2024 Review Roundup

well i sure did watch some stuff and read one book this month

the things i finished this month reminded me that for every incredible piece of art i find myself enjoying, i end up watching some Hot Garbage immediately after to balance things out again. idk why i do this.

i have quite a bit to say about both the things i enjoyed and the things that brought me physical pain this month, so there is um. a lot under the cut. any previous desire for brevity i had in january has been completely thrown out the window as i use these roundups as an outlet to gush about things i like and complain about things i didn't. fair warning, if you open the readmore you will be scrolling for a while. enjoy i guess

House of Leaves

does any other book out there have the balls to write a completely fake interview with stephen king

House of Leaves is a novel you gotta throw around a little bit. It feels really weird that my copy is still in the pristine state I bought it in - It seems like it should have water damage and smell like mildew with its pages falling out and spine cracked into pieces. Getting the full story from this book requires flipping back and forth, turning it around, searching for answers. All things considered it’s not that difficult of a read, but its format still allows you to feel like you’re discovering every hidden piece for yourself, and I really liked that interactivity. I was engaged pretty much the whole way through.

I don’t really think I’ll be able to revisit this book anytime soon though. It’s difficult for me to format what else I’d like to say about it because to be honest, it caught me off guard and disturbed me on a fairly personal level. There’s a relief I feel when I remember that I don’t actually know what was going on with the house - maybe that was intentional on the book’s behalf, maybe I just didn’t look hard enough for answers. I don’t know. But the implication that something divine was down there was enough of an answer for me. The book's good. read it if you want a spooooooky time or if you never want to look at a hallway the same way again

Doctor Who (Series 1-4) (rewatch)

ok so this is a fuckload of doctor who to cover so i’m gonna give some thoughts on a few of the characters and my favorite + least favorite episodes

9th doctor: My favorite butch lesbian. Christopher Eccleston truly embodies the concept of The Doctor so, so well: otherworldly guy who knows too much, genuinely cares about life across the universe, and also has a bit of deep, unresolved rage. His moments of joy and careless fun stick with me the most, he absolutely radiates with life and brings so much to this character.

Rose: I first watched Doctor Who when I was in middle school, and I didn’t like Rose that much back then. And guys. I have bad news. I'm still not really much of a Rose fan

I definitely understood her more this watch through - that desire for adventure and some sort of control over her life, emotions so strong that she’s willing to throw near everything away. That’s just what being 19 is like sometimes. I think Rose is a very compelling character who just happens to frustrate me a bit. And that’s kinda the point, her co-dependent relationship with the Doctor is doomed to fail and it's meant to hurt. Ultimately, I think when I first watched the show I was too young to understand Rose, and now I’m just too old to relate to her.

Captain Jack: Jack is my favorite character. I fucking love this guy. Dude has the worst luck in the whole universe and still cannot be stopped. Legendary. Every episode with him is a goddamn delight because he has so much chemistry with every single cast member. No notes 10/10 i love my problematic bisexual king

10th doctor: About four episodes into David Tennant’s run I realized that he dresses like a Hazbin Hotel character and it made me very sad. Still, there’s a reason this guy inspired every middle schooler to buy a pair of converse in 2008. He has style, he has depth, he’s got the sauce. It’s genuinely terrifying to see his anger, I like that a lot of 10’s run is about his denial of godhood and power over life in the universe, something that the rest of the time lords desired. idk i like my sad pathetic little weasel but he's also a huge fucking asshole sometimes which sucks. especially when it's directed at Martha.

Martha: Martha I am so sorry for what this show put you through. Martha was my favorite companion when I first watched the show, and I still have a huge soft spot for her. Her ability to hold her own and navigate foreign worlds using her own intelligence absolutely rules, and her drive forward is unbreakable. But the show seems to put her down at every possible opportunity, most notably with how 10 treats her. Her struggles and wants are constantly ignored, and she's often treated as a rebound from Rose. And I like that she eventually chooses to end it by not traveling with 10 anymore, but it hurts because it feels like she was never given the same chance or care that Rose and Donna were. This era of Doctor Who really doesn’t treat its black companions well because Mickey goes through something similar - both Martha and Mickey are characters designed to be ignored or left behind, and it sucks.

Donna: Donna Noble is one of the greatest fictional characters to ever exist. Despite seemingly living a fairly average life and working a fairly average job, Donna reflects the idea that no one is truly "average" and every single person is brimming with personality, life, and love. I love that her relationship with 10 is purely platonic, personally their friendship feels like it has a lot more depth than either of the romance-oriented relationships 10 had with Rose and Martha. 10 and Donna bounce off of each other so well and it's delightful, Donna brings so much humor and life to every world she's taken to and it's incredible. I wish her and Captain Jack could have interacted more.

My favorite episode: The Runaway Bride is hard to not choose as my favorite. I have a blast every time I watch this episode and it’s such a good introduction for Donna. Also the Tardis car chase kills me, I love when it cuts to the kids in the back of another car clapping and cheering. I was also surprised by the episode Midnight - it’s dreadful to watch and I kinda loved it. So much spirals out of control when shit hits the fan, even though no one has any idea what they’re trying to fight against. Really interesting exploration as to how fear can drive people apart.

My least favorite episode: It’s Love & Monsters. I wish I liked this episode - stories that follow regular ass people living in this world are often some of the best episodes in the series (Weeping Angels and all that). And this episode definitely has some of that. It’s honestly really touching to see this group of nerds get together and enjoy life in the first part of the episode. I think the antagonist of “guy who absorbs people” ends up dragging down any charm this story had because he just. eats all of the interesting characters. But despite me disliking this episode, I honestly have a deep respect for it - it’s fucking crazy. It ends with the main guy telling us about his sex life with his girlfriend who is now stuck in a piece of concrete. Where else are you going to get a story like this. It fucking sucks and that’s hilarious

oh also the production design: GODDDDDD I FUCKING LOVE THE PRODUCTION DESIGN AND SETS ON THIS SHOW. I love how dirty and rundown a lot of the spaceship sets look with wires and lights scattered everywhere. And a number of alien designs also go CRAZY with the prosthetics - I keep thinking about the Hath from The Doctor’s Daughter and how every head prosthetic had liquid inside it that could bubble. Absolutely crazy. I also love the moments where you can clearly see they did not have that much time and just had to throw something together or pain a bald cap green. Jank is the nature of sci-fi production design and I dearly love and miss that Doctor Who jank.

Rebuild of Evangelion

Last year after finishing the original Evangelion series + End of Evangelion, I remember going through the Evangelion tumblr tag and being very confused by the number of slice of life/found family-esque fanworks of the cast. It left me puzzled and thinking “...did we even watch the same thing??”

APPARENTLY NOT

[spoiler warning here because these movies are very good and i give the best parts away. if you want to watch these movies then DO IT NOW!!!!!!!!]

I honestly never expected a world where these characters got a happy ending. I so, so badly wish I could see 3.0 and 3.0+1.0 in theaters - these movies are stunning. I know I say things “go crazy” a lot, but man. They go fucking CRAZY.

While I have a few issues with how the first two movies adapted the original show, I do think the changes they made better serve the story this rebuild is trying to tell. For example, my favorite episode in the original Eva series is episode 18, where Toji is chosen to pilot Unit 03. It’s absolutely terrifying because Shinji doesn’t know who 03’s pilot is, yet he’s forced to be inside Unit 01 as it tears 03 apart. His resolve not to kill anyone despite not even knowing who’s in danger is an aspect of that episode I love and speaks to Shinji's inherent humanity, and when he learns Toji was in there it hurts even more. The rebuild movies change Unit 03’s pilot to Auska, and Shinji knows she’s in there from the start. I think this choice works for the movies and is still an effective emotional beat, but personally I still prefer the version where Shinji had no idea who was in there. That lack of knowledge is infinitely more terrifying to me.

I really like what these movies did with some of the angel designs though. The sixth angel (the fuckin. blue diamond cube thing) works really well in 3D/CG animation. The way the thing warps and moves is otherly and terrifying - and it’s just a fucking cube. I’ve always really loved how the Eva series approaches angel designs and the divine - despite the alien-like designs, there’s often something extremely familiar about them. They’re often reminiscent of an animal, a machine, or a human. This is also how they approached the anti-universe in these movies, I loved how it takes the form of various locations from the series and turns them into a movie set. It’s deeply familiar, but ultimately just an illusion of familiarity like the angels and the divine.

Also I gotta say. I fucking love Mari. I think she’s hilarious. She first meets Shinji by accidentally parachuting into him and then immediately starts crawling on all fours to sniff him. This girl also introduces “Beast Mode” where the Eva pilots can go wild turn their mechs into a fucking. superpowered beast of some sort. And also she defeats a whole army by using the Eiffel Tower as a spear. She’s such an absurd character and I honestly kinda love it. The only thing I knew about these movies before watching them was this gif of her Backing That Shit Up and she truly lives up to the insane nature of this shot.

My favorite section of these movies is definitely the first part of 3.0+1.0 where the pilots are basically just living a domestic life in a small town - it’s truly beautiful. The growth that Rei’s copy goes through here is fantastic, I love stories about seemingly emotionless beings learning how to live. And right after she dies, we get the shot that absolutely broke me the first time I saw it:

This shit. The way you can just barely tell he’s been crying from the red around his eyes. They don't talk about it, they barely linger on it, but it's allowed just enough time to punch you in the gut. I don’t know why this shot got me as hard as it did but goddamn. jesus christ. i want to throw up

There’s some goofy shit in these movies. The infinite synch rate. Misato’s stupidass hat and sunglasses. Some goofy ass 3D animation that doesn’t age super well. The rainbow that shows up every time an angel dies. But these things really didn’t take me out of the core of these films, and there’s so much genuine emotion and beauty in this series that had me absolutely hooked - especially in the last two films. They go crazy. My favorite line is 100% “The only thing a son can do for his father is pat him on the shoulder… or kill him.” and man. ain’t that what Evangelion is all about. i love these movies

High School Musical 3

kinda slaps just a little bit

High School Musical 3 starts with a finale number. The last high school basketball game of Troy Bolton’s life - and it goes kinda hard. The classic pep band brass that’s essential to so many High School Musical numbers returns, and the constant theme of two feuding cheer teams in the background? Genius. This is truly art. I love listening to Now or Never without visuals because in the middle Troy just starts coughing and gagging seemingly out of nowhere

Unfortunately, starting the movie at such a high point means that the rest of the runtime doesn’t quite match up to it. The story lags and meanders quite a bit, but part of me kinda appreciates that - it’s their last semester of high school, which is always a time of confusion and turmoil. However, I do have a pitch for how they could have countered the constant falling action this movie seems to go through:

The Wildcats should have lost their last game at the beginning of the movie.

What if the game is instead the inciting incident that leads Troy and his besties through their tumultuous last semester? Troy is still torn between basketball and theater, but his identity would be even further challenged here - is winning and success all that matters for him, or is it the love of sport and performance that keeps him going? idk whatever this movie came out 16 years ago i can’t be out here writing AUs for it jgnfsgfnjdksg

Some miscellaneous thoughts about this movie that i don’t care about formatting into larger paragraphs:

Ryan and Sharpay’s number (I Want It All) slaps as usual. The part where Ryan shouts “MADISON SQUARE GARDEN!!!!!!!” makes me so happy every time i hear it

The production design and sets go absolutely fucking crazy. I still have no idea how they pulled off the spinning hallway in Scream.

One of the classic staples of HSM is Chad’s shirts. Most of them are fairly silly and like something you would expect to find in the walmart clearance section. However, there’s one shirt he has in this movie that confused the hell out of me. It’s this one:

What the FUCK does Greenster mean. Is it just a combination of Green and Monster?? Why??? What green monster are we talking about here????? Where the fuck did this shirt come from?????????

Avatar The Last Airbender (2024)

There’s really only one word I can think of to describe what this show is like: sauceless. No flavor. No depth. No character. No sauce. This show is honestly so fucking boring and seems to fundamentally misunderstand what the appeal of the original Avatar series is - not necessarily because things are changed or removed from the original, but because nothing of substance is added in return. 

Most of the characters are mere echoes of their original counterparts when compared to their source material. Sokka is reduced to a guy who wants to fight good, Katara’s stubborn and confrontational nature is very rarely utilized, and Aang’s mischievous antics and love of fun is sorely missing. One of the major reasons for the dull interpretations seems to be the directing - While I have faith that most of these actors are trying their best (especially since a number of them are kids/young adults), the direction seems to be incredibly lackluster and takes away nearly every cast member’s stage presence or personality. There’s a number of reaction shots of the main trio that just look like this: 😐😐😐 as if they were just told to “look concerned” at the events unfolding before them. And these issues are apparent in the majority of the performances - for example, General Zhao talks like he’s in a board meeting up until the last episode, and it’s an incredibly flat performance. He talks somewhat monotone in the original series as well, but this live-action take on the character often meanders with his dialogue and lacks that sharp, terrifying quality that I think this character needs. Uncle Iroh also feels incredibly stiff in this adaptation, and it’s a goddamn crime that they took away the cunty little outfit and chains he was originally wearing when he gets captured by earthbenders. wait who said that

Credit where credit is due, there’s a few cast members that seem to be giving their best. It’s clear that Aang’s actor enjoys the role and does pretty well despite the lackluster direction and dialogue he’s given. On top of that, I think Zuko’s actor is honestly the best part of the show. His take on Zuko leans much more into teenage tendencies and sarcasm, which, although it can be silly, is a welcome take of the character in my opinion and pretty fun to watch. There’s this one line he has at the beginning of episode 2 where, in an incredibly whiny tone of voice, he goes “He RAN! The ultimate warrior! He’s a Coward :((((“ and the read is so. fucking funny

The case of bad direction isn’t limited to the performances, however. It’s also stunningly apparent in how everything is shot. Despite being in a widescreen format, most shots are incredibly centered - you could crop the entire runtime into a 4:3 frame and you wouldn’t be cutting out much of anything. I’ve seen some speculation that this was an intentional choice to make things more adaptable or readable for TikTok/phone video, but honestly I think that’s a dumb take. I think the issue stems from a lack of creativity and thoughtless composition. Keeping everything staged in the center can make shots feel disjointed, lacking much depth, or completely empty. It’s a boring way to shoot and indicates that the show lacks any unique vision at all.

Overall, this show doesn't really seem to understand what makes Avatar interesting in the first place. It's more interested in spectacle and action than the characters' relationships, emotions, and mistakes. I try not to compare it too much to the original since it's allowed to take liberties with its adaptation, but very few of its changes add much to the end result or give it a unique voice. It's just sauceless and boring.

Some YouTube videos i liked in February:

💥 My House.WAD - Inside Doom's Most Terrifying Mod (some supplemental House of Leaves material for ya) 💥 Martha Jones Deserved Better (this video explains how Doctor Who did Martha dirty better than i ever could) 💥 bringing JUSTICE to the worst garfield game 💥 Selling Kids for Clout: The Downfall of Family Channels

And that’s my roundup for February! Thank you for reading, I promise there are no more reviews left to scroll through below this goodbye. Nope, nothing else I watched this month. Bye!

…ok is everyone gone. phew, i’m glad no one noticed i pulled an hbomberguy and hid the largest part of this post under a false ending. Anyway holy shit i need to talk about hazbin hotel

Hazbin Hotel

well i didn’t like it

Hazbin Hotel is a weird, fascinating mess of a show. Every episode left me wondering what creative decisions (or lack thereof) led to the sequence of images I just watched. There’s been a lot of discussion of this show recently and I’m not interested in covering every critique I have, but there’s a few things that I'd like to talk about somewhat in-depth.

Hell is real and it's just Red Chicago

The setting of Hell is kinda boring in this show.

Let me try to put this into perspective. Aside from the hotel, here’s a list of the locations we see in Hell:

A boardroom

A video store

Vox’s evil lair (it has cyber sharks which is kinda cool)

Various streets

Another boardroom

A BDSM club

Carmilla’s house (it’s gray and has. balconies?)

A porn studio

A bar

Another bar

A town square (full of cannibals)

None of these locations really take on any sort of otherworldly form besides some vague demonic imagery scattered throughout (and the cannibals. i guess. whatever). In short, Hazbin Hotel’s setting resembles Chicago more than it does Hell.

I can see a world where that’s intentional. Perhaps making Hell resemble a modern city could be used as a thematic tool or point of relatability? But Hazbin doesn’t really do anything like that - since the characters rarely ever interact with their environments, these locations end up seeming like they lack creativity, like they’re just cardboard sets where characters go to swear. They all start to blend together after a while - every street feels the same, every boardroom fades into the background, and every bar feels like a google image search result for the word “club.” This world feels stunningly empty despite the busy designs and colors. Even though the backgrounds are painted and designed fairly well, nothing of substance is ever really added to them through the story.

However, a few musical numbers take effort to break away from these settings. This felt like a weight off of my shoulders whenever it happened, it was nice to see some interesting setpieces and backgrounds that weren’t red. I liked the bombastic and over-the-top broadway lights in Loser and the glowing alternate world in Charlie and Lucifer’s song. But these moments are few and crowded by the dull locations in Hell - or worse, the Hotel itself.

Despite being the namesake of the show, the actual Hazbin Hotel is… lifeless. Which, yeah, it’s a hotel where dead people go in the afterlife, but it’s missing any sort of personality or history besides “it’s old and falling apart.” I expected the hotel to be full of secrets - like maybe some hidden passages or rooms, or mysterious cabinets full of rotted meats, or old valuables hidden under the rugs by the previous owners. Something for the cast to explore and discover, and as they get closer to each other they also start to understand the hotel more. Alastor seems very intent on keeping the physical hotel standing for some reason, but I never really understood why. There’s nothing there. And that nothingness is fully realized when at the end of the show, they just rebuild the entire hotel to be grand and beautiful - an emotional beat that didn’t hit me at all because I never felt like I knew the hotel in the first place. Despite rebuilding it from the ground up, it will feel just as empty.

3 SHOTS THAT DRIVE ME CRAZY

I was truly baffled at how some of these scenes are timed and put together. Multiple sequences left me feeling nauseous and dazed - the camera moves like it’s being swung on the end of a rope, and there’s so many misplaced or meaningless cuts scattered through these episodes.

There’s a sequence of three shots in the first episode that I want to dissect. I will fully admit that I'm breaching nitpicking territory here, but the shot composition issues in this show are pretty rampant and my analysis here is just a hyper-specific look at a single part of that larger problem. Hopefully you can also use it as a quick storyboarding lesson too idk

First, we see Adam teasing Charlie.

Then, it cuts straight to this shot:

A few things here. 

Shot 2 is just closer on the characters, which is not a great idea to cut to after the previous waist-up shot. On top of being a jarring jump cut, there is no purpose for this new shot. All the information we see here (Adam laughs, Charlie fake laughs) could have just been conveyed in the previous shot.

Despite the characters being in the same position as the last shot, the background changes. This straight up just feels like an error. I think the idea is supposed to be that the camera is at a different angle, but the position of the characters does not convey that. It looks like reality changes behind them.

And if that’s not enough, this is the shot we get immediately after those two:

In this shot, the residents of the hotel sit on the couch as Vaggie walks into the shot, framing them between her legs. But there’s something… off.

Vaggie either looks like she’s floating or she’s three stories tall. Quick storyboard lesson as to why:

The main problem with this shot is that the perspective of the background doesn’t match up with where Vaggie is placed. The couch is framed as if the camera were above it, but Vaggie is framed like the camera is floor-level below her. I’ve traced the shot and added a perspective grid to hopefully better illustrate this:

Do you see what I mean? If the camera WAS actually on the floor like Vaggie’s position in the shot suggests, the composition would look more like this:

Notice how much closer the floor grid is to the bottom of the frame and how you can see the underside of the couch.

And to be fair, this is probably what the original storyboard for this shot looked like! Personally I think something went wrong in the compositing stage - this might be a couch background from another shot that was reused here to save time, or whoever approved this shot just let the error slide since the shot is so short (i've been there. sometimes you let the jank slide). Most animated shows will have some poorly framed shots and continuity errors because mistakes are bound to happen, but two egregious ones right next to each other like this is. pretty bad. It's so noticeable from a directing perspective.

Here’s the thing: these three shots happen in the span of like 10 seconds. Most viewers probably wouldn’t notice these issues, and that's fine. But even though these errors are quick, they stack upon each other so fast that even if you can’t pinpoint exactly what’s wrong, something still feels wrong. There’s so many other moments where the show breaks extremely basic shot composition, continuity, and staging rules - for example, the second musical number of the show breaks the 180 rule like four times for no good reason. The whole show feels like a dizzy, nauseating mess because the shots rarely feel like they form anything cohesive.

MY ROOMMATE TOLD ME TO GO TO BED SO HERE ARE SOME FINAL THOUGHTS

Here’s a rundown on some other thoughts that I don’t care to format into larger sections:

The show seems to lack much to say about sin and redemption other than “redemption good.” like sure, but what are they being redeemed from? Is heaven truly the place they deserve to go after being redeemed, even though it’s shown to be unjust? Are there sins that are too great to be redeemed from, or others that shouldn't be considered sins at all? I asked myself a number of questions like this, but never got many answers from Hazbin.

This show has a bad relationship with kink and sex. Both are mostly used as a punchline or a form of control. I didn’t like it. Perhaps the reason Hazbin never really comments on the nature of sin is because it needs you to consider sex and kink sinful or otherly for these jokes to hit.

Some of the animation is crazy good. I will praise any animator that even attempts to make these character designs move. A number of extremely talented people worked on this show, a few of the musical sequences in particular have some incredible movement.

Alastor is a very boring character. It’s wild that most of the side characters in this show only exist to talk about how much they like or hate Alastor, he mostly just stands to the side of some shots or kills random nameless goons. I expected him to have a much larger role in the story, but he just gets his ass kicked in the final episode and then crawls back to the hotel.

Episode 4 is the most cohesive, and i think Angel is the best character in the show. Unfortunately, the fact that Hazbin takes so much effort to show Angel’s misery left me… concerned? None of the other characters get treated as poorly as Angel by the narrative. There’s a few smaller explorations of trauma, but nothing remotely compares to what Angel is put through on-screen. This isn’t to say that I think the whole cast needs to be extremely traumatized and constantly miserable, but rather that I find it concerning that the only character subjected to incredibly graphic abuse and torture (that we see or hear about) is the gay sex worker. Which sucks, because I think the concept of hypersexuality resulted from sexual abuse is an important topic worthy of discussing in adult media. I just think they tried to execute this theme without much critical thought beforehand.

I think the voice cast does a fantastic job for the most part. Keith David is way too good for Husk.

I really liked the one shot where Charlie opens her phone and we see that she has a contact for every individual egg minion.

I was very brave and got through this whole review without talking about my new least favorite character of all time, Vox. here’s what I think of him:

The overall vision and end result of Hazbin Hotel is just mediocre. While I don’t know what led to the messy state this show ended up in, my guess is that it was probably the result of inadequate direction, sloppy writing, and lacking creative support from the studios involved. Because of this, please understand that I have no desire or intention to put down any individual artists that worked on this show - I hope it's clear that most of my criticisms are directed at the larger vision these artists were given to execute and/or the lack of creative support they received while working on this show.

I also don’t really have much desire to participate in any further Hazbin discussion or discourse because it has wasted enough of my time already and I want to be free of this curse. please spare my inbox from hazbin hotel discourse. please. i'm begging.

You want to know what the most fucked up thing about this is though? Despite everything I said about Hazbin, Avatar the Last Airbender 2024 is still the worst show I watched this month. I would take Hazbin over Avatar 2024 literally any day.

well if you got this far. thanks for reading. also sorry you read all that. whelp alright back into my hole i go bye bye

[altocat]

Alto! Hope you’re feeling well! For Sephiroth, I’ll ask:

6. What's something you have in common with this character?

18. How about a relationship they have in canon with another character that you admire?

21. If you're a fic writer and have written for this character, what's your favorite thing to do when you're writing for this character? What's something you don't like?

22. If you're a fic reader, what's something you like in fics when it comes to ths character? Something you don't like?

6. I'd say IRL I'm pretty introverted and kinda clingy with the few friends I have. Not in a negative way--I just take my relationships very seriously and I tend to get upset when I'm away from them. I also don't really take care of myself when I'm stressed or anxious. I guess that's sorta why I initially latched onto Seph lmao

18. I like the unspoken tension between him and Hojo. Does that sound weird? Their relationship is kinda spooky behind the scenes, even though we haven't seen the how or why. We just know that SOMETHING particularly nasty must have happened, or that perhaps years of dealing with Hojo just turned Sephiroth against him. And yet for all the disgust, Sephiroth seems depressed at times when discussing Hojo. And that's really interesting. It's kind of an underrated dynamic imo.

21. Oh I just like to be angsty lolol particularly if I'm writing Sephiroth losing his mind and destroying everything in his path. I like to unleash. As for something I don't like...I suppose sometimes it can be hard setting up decent pacing. I'm still working to flesh out my pacing so that it feels a lot more organic. I hope you guys have seen an improvement! I'm working on it all the time.

22. As a reader, I like when Sephiroth is allowed to be vulnerable or if we're exploring him having some sort of grounded anxiety issue. What I don't like? Idk I don't like it when he's kinda overly dominant. Sure Seph is calm and confident and has that dry humor, but realistically he's also kinda of a homeschooled loser so I don't think he'd be a raging sexgod lolol. At least not Sane!Seph. Insane Seph--maybe. I mean the gloves are off there. He'd probably be into all kinds of twisted nonsense lmao

[lets-talk-spirituality]

Let’s talk about: Channeling

What is channeling? That’s a good question. As many of you know, my reading format is that I channel first and then follow up with cards to see what they say. So what happens when you’re channeling? Let’s talk about it.

So what exactly is channeling?

Channeling is basically going into a state where you have emptied your mind of all things that can bar truth from entering, insecurities, negative self talk, etc. With that empty space, you have room to bring in bigger downloads of spiritual information.

All of this background programming is like having a bunch of internet tabs open. All your energy is being dispersed because the thought itself attracts energy. To remember what you need to do, you take that energy away. If you can live in the present and do things, even just to complete them, that’s good. Free up your energy.

I was always worried what would fill my head if sadness and anxiety didn’t live there. Turns out it’s insights, creative ideas, it’s amazing. I can feel myself healing my mind and it’s only strengthened my channeling. Now that a bunch of stuff isn’t draining my attention, my insights are way more clear.

What does channeling feel like?

It’s weird. Because on the one hand you are filtering information through your human personality’s mind, but you are also at a higher frequency to even receive the information, so it’s like being detached from yourself. Sometimes I don’t even understand something until I’m channeling. I’m just writing what comes to mind and it’s not something I knew before. It feels urgent, almost like I’m allowing the energy to drive. If they have a pressing message, I call it knocking on my head.

I can feel a download coming energetically, which is this feeling of some impending moment of importance. I know it means I need to do a reading soon, and usually I know the topic. And then it will come to mind and I’ll have to type it out right there or recite it. I take note of my thoughts a lot. It’s very useful.

But yeah it sort of feels like all of a sudden there’s this urge to write and I start writing. If my thoughts circulate a lot and keeps coming back to something, it usually means I need to jot it down. That’s why I also record my dreams because sometimes there are very important details.

Clairaudiece: What do you hear?

So when I channel conversations or love letters, basically it comes through as if someone was sitting across from me and reciting what they want me to write for them. Basically I’m a translator. So it’s hard to explain because my gifts mix, so the voice may not sound like someone else’s voice, but because I see the energy of the person it’s almost like I superimpose them over the voice and it’s theirs. But I see them like almost visually reciting to me. So I guess my sound and visualizing mix. Synesthesia!

Clairvoyance: What do you see?

Sometimes it’s like a still image, but sometimes it’s also like a scene, like I will see people laughing or moving, but usually it’s just a glimmer into a moment.

Clairsentience: What do you feel?

So that’s what makes this hard to explain. All my gifts work at once so like I’m getting a visual (clairvoyance) hearing words (clairaudient) and also picking up emotions (clairsentience) all at once. They’re all so intertwined it’s hard trying to separate it out. But I usually will feel pressing emotions, such as peace, anxiety, stress, frustration, and I feel that usually in my heart space.

It sort of feels like my crown chakra opens like a mouth, spirit pours a bunch of shit into my head and then I unscramble it and translate it into human constructs. Then I speak it or write it, so it’s basically a straight shot through me, creating a circuit. Like as all this tumuli comes in, I’m just trying to take meeting notes.

Claircognizance: Aha moments!

I think having claircognizance is like having aha moments a lot. You don’t really know why you arrived at that conclusion but you did and you strongly feel like everything makes sense. I’m beginning to believe part of it is that our bodies pick up a lot of stimuli all day but most of us repress it. I think we learn to repress as young highly sensitives because we have to toughen up to feel okay, and that means sacrificing some of you ability to open up to the ability to receive those insights.

I think the brain processes this stuff still but we’ve learned to detach because otherwise our empathy would be going haywire. It’s a form of boundaries. All that to say, I think some of those insights are what’s mixed with claircognizance and that’s why people are like I don’t know where that came from! Well most people don’t realize how much their body takes on daily.

I think it also comes from connecting dots, like claircognizance is a spiritually advanced way of picking up patterns and seeing invisible connecting points, sort of like jumping lilypads. You can see how people could connect and ways different moments can connect with one another in a non-linear way. It’s just a different way of looking at things.

[eilaafterhours]

Fluffy Thing | Redeux [Belphegor]

Content: Smut, Tail Riding, Dirty Talk, Finger-Fucking, Squirting, Cunnilingus, Coming-Inside

Pronouns: None (AFAB)

Rewrite of: Fluffy Thing

Remember: I’ll block you if I catch your ageless or under age (not 18+) ass in my activity :)

Reblogs: Let me know that you enjoy my work and want to see more, so don’t forget to like and reblog (and comment in the tags. I love seeing people’s rambles in the tags)!

This work’s concepts, plot and original characters are my own which means I do not allow any sort of creative theft nor do I allow my work to be entered into any sort of A.I. bots. Thank you for respecting my space and boundaries.

Belphie: Where are you? 

You: I’m in my room. Why?

Belphie: Great.

Belphie:You should come to my room.

Belphie:There’s this fluffy thing I want to try out. Together, with me.

You weren’t expecting much. Maybe a new pillow, blanket or maybe even a new sweater. 

But definitely not this. 

Well, maybe— he did lock the door the moment you stepped foot in the room. 

Your brows furrowed as you scanned the room for this new fluffy thing he had to show you. “Where’s the fluffy thing?” There was a towel that was laid out on his bed but— 

Something, his tail, wrapped around your waist once, then under and through your thighs, and finally the fluffy cow tail brushed against your cheek. 

Your face immediately flushed. 

“I-I-I I thought you meant like a new pillow or something!”

“You mean the towel on the bed didn’t give it away?” He asked, pulling you closer. 

“Well—then I thought it was gonna be like a butt plug or something, but—” You turned your head towards him. “That is not going inside me!”

He blinked, “I wasn’t going to.” then smirked. “You’re definitely not as innocent as you act.”

“Anyway, no. I wasn’t gonna fuck you with my tail.” He leaned in, lips ghosting over your ear. “I was gonna have you ride it.” 

“What?!”

And with a few more lewd words, he had you fully nude on his bed, legs spread with the length of his tail resting against your folds, while he sat fully clothed in front of you.

You sighed, eyes looking anywhere but his face or tail. “How is this even going to work..?” 

“Hmm…yeah. I don’t think having you ride it is gonna work out, so…” He began moving his tail, pulling a surprised moan from you. “I’ll just have to do all the work myself.” 

“Belphie!” You gasped, glaring at him. 

“What? It’s not like you don’t like it.” He applied more pressure against your cunt, “You’re literally drooling down here. My tail’s already soaked.” 

He was right, despite the weird feeling of wet fur against your sensitive folds, the rough and quick movements of his tail had your hips moving in time with him. 

But just as quick and sudden as he began, he pulled away, removing himself from the bed.

“Huh—ah!” He had moved behind you, pushing you down roughly on the bed. 

“I gotta be inside…” You heard him mummer under his breath before shoving two fingers into your sopping cunt, quickly finding that sweet spot that had you arching yourself further into the sheets.  

Within just a few strokes, he had you clenching against his fingers, juices flowing down your shaking thighs and onto the towel.

You wanted to flop down and give yourself a breather, but Belphie had a firm hand on your hip, keeping your ass up. And his fingers were still deep inside you. 

“Ah…what a waste.” He slowly pulled his fingers from you, “But I guess there’s still some…”

You were about to sigh in relief when he finally removed them, but then you felt the bed shift again and the warm heat of his mouth against your puffy pussy. His mouth worked fast, slurping and lapping the rest of your slick. 

Once he had his fill, and you were thoroughly wet again, he pulled down his pants.  You took a deep breath, then released it as he pressed you down further into the mattress. He lined himself up, then inch by inch you swallowed him until his pelvis was flush against your ass. 

Slow out, even slower back in.

He was fucking teasing you. 

Brushing along all the right spots, but not hitting them hard enough. However, with the strong grip on your hip, you really didn’t have a choice in the matter. Besides—

“Fuck—stop that.” You did that again.

The grip tightened, and you were sure it would bruise, but still you did it again. Clenched around his dick. 

Tight.

He wasn’t having it. He yanked you up, pulling your flesh against him as he thrust into you hard. 

“Fuck!”

“Isn’t that what I’m doing?” He murmured against your neck. “Fucking that tight cunt of yours.” 

By this point, you were reduced to nothing but moans and incoherent babbling. 

“Maybe next time—hah— I should have Satan make me a potion—fuck—one where you’ll be in heat and begging to ride this dick.” 

You felt yourself nodding. Even in this fucked out haze, some sane part of you wanted to try to it. To feel so aroused that you couldn’t stand it, and to have Belphie fuck you through it, then take care of you afterwards. 

“Yes…I want you fuck me—aaah—while I’m in heat.”

He chuckled darkly, “Oh I won’t fuck you through it…I’ll stick a few toys in you. Watch you bitch and moan and do nothing.”

“Fuck—aaaaa!”

You don’t know what did it, the filthy talk his was doing in your ear or your imagination running rampant of him sticking a bullet and a vibrator up your cunt, wand on your clit and a butt plug up your ass that had you coming undone, but you damn sure were coming.

Hard.

He wasn’t far after you, coming inside, or that was the attempt. His come had no room inside your already full cunt and instead was marking its claim down both your thighs. Then on body parts as the two of you collapsed with him still fitting snugly inside. 

It took a bit for you to catch your breath, but once you did, you nudged him. “Move please…” But he didn’t over off you, he instead wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you with him as he rolled over on his side. 

You knew what he was trying to do, and you refused to let him. “Belphie, no. We gotta get cleaned up now.” 

“But I’m so tired, and you feel so good.”

“Belphie there is literally cum dripping out of my pussy and on to both of us.” You paused, face flushing. “...plus I’m sure the cum on your tail is getting crusty by now.”

“Oh yeah, I almost forgot about that.” He nestled deeper into your neck. “Sike. I’ll never forget that look on your face. Maybe I should stick it in next time.” 

You shot up from the bed, dashing into the en-suite bathroom. “I’ll get everything together—I’ll call you when it’s ready!” 

Belphie chuckled to himself. You really were too cute for your own good. 

He paused.

Maybe he should ask Satan that Heat Inducing Aphrodisiac.

So no ears and tail this time around too, butttt you get some tail actions, so I guess that evens it all out.

Also good lord this is fucking filthy.

Masterlist

[ollyou]

Sorry another non-art post but I wanted to point out to some very disrespectful people that this is NOT an art only account > <“

This account was actually made to be mostly rambles, and just because I like pmtok and center most of my stuff around olly doesnt mean thats all i do either! I never wanted to be a pmtok-only artist; i just draw what i want to rather than what other people like to see

I’m a rambler at heart and if you dont like that then you shouldnt follow me, or just mute #rambling !! Alternatively if you don’t want to see any negative posts, mute #negative ^_^

Tbh as someone who has never had an anonymous ask box before joining the pmtok fandom, stuff like this just comes off as really mean and dehumanizing?? Please unfollow me if you have a mindset like this. I constantly tell people to just send me fun asks and stop trying to order me around like a slave and then people who claim to follow me pull this…. 😓 I hope you know that if you think you’re entitled to my artwork and can tell me to “shut the fuck up” for simply speaking how I feel about the constant harassment the toxic side of the fandom has given me and my friends/mutuals, I do not like you and you’re not allowed to enjoy my art tbh….

There is no “we”, just this rude person who likes to pretend they are a fan. But no fan acts like this. I want my fanbase to be a nice and welcoming place full of gentle and friendly people, not entitled bullies who treat me like their slave. Keep it to yourself if you don’t enjoy my rambling, please, or just unfollow/mute the tags I appropriately place for these sorts of posts <3

I blocked this anon immediately after screenshotting this but tbh I’m not sure if that blocks their actual account too… cause I wanna make sure they can’t view my account if all they want to do is dehumanize me. Idk it’s really weird how this fandom acts sometimes which is why I’m so strict with my dni and byf stuff but people don’t listen most of the time…. Agh!!

I make one post telling the people harassing and stalking me for several months if not years to leave me and my friends alone, and these people suddenly get the idea I’m just an art-making machine…. It’s frustrating but in the end I just want to receive nice anon asks. I appreciate all the friendly anons!! Thank you so much. You make my days so much better. I feel bad that sometimes I can’t respond to them, but I read them all. I save them all. I love them all <:)

But yeah… please unfollow me if you’re unwilling to just mute my #rambling and #negative tags when all you do is complain I don’t post art enough…. Also idk, if you want me to post more art then…? Why not you compliment my art? What’s the point of not ever supporting my art when I post it, then complaining and belittling me when I don’t post it? That’s why I block these people. Very very disrespectful.

I know it’s best to just ignore this stuff! And I do. I ignore a lot of it. It is quite annoying, but I ignore it so I can give the nice people room to speak. It’s really rare that I actually speak up about this stuff tbh. I’m almost positive these are all just the same few people block evading me via VPN anyway hahahah. Especially since I’ve seen them do that, too.

Also, I do recognize it’s very likely no one will read this all the way. But I usually don’t write things expecting people to read them! I mostly write stuff for myself, like a journal of some sorts. :D It’s probably a bit weird when I advertise my art and whatnot too, but y’know. I don’t want my tumblr blog to be just… some soulless art dump. I’m not looking for attention, just respect, I guess.

Ah, in the end I’m sure those bullies will use this to fuel their constant harassment of me anonymously (because they too cowardly to hate me normally, I guess), but tbh they just kind of… complain about a singular post I’ll make for the first time in forever for days straight and act like that type of post is all I make, so I guess there’s no appeasing them. Not that I even want to make happy the people who treat me as subhuman.

Idk why people are so entertained by being assholes, but maybe that’s just the naive part of me thinking! I’m no grown adult or anything. In my head I am just a little baby still learning about the online world as I was raised very sheltered from all that stuff and avoided toxicity wherever I went… 💦 I am a tumblr baby! Sorry..!

Ah!!!! Rambling too much. Hahah. Thank you for reading. Hey, if you got this far, why not you send me a friendly anon message? Gotta clean out all the garbage from within my inbox, though I think I’ve done a pretty good job at it as is.

I will post again when I have something to say or more art to share!!!!

[infinitethree]

Hi Day and whoever happens to be around! I have an odd question for you. How is it that the monsters and such in SMPza is so different from the ones from the Sanctuary reality? Shouldn't both be alittle more similar in that regard? How was there a den of chimeric creatures in SMPza but not in Sanctuary?

Day is sitting in his den, evidently having been working on knitting a blanket. With him is Perce, who is sprawled out on one of the couches. The younger Dream variant is paying extremely close attention to the movie on the TV.

Perce jumps at the sound of the question, enough so to send himself crashing to the floor.

Day peers over at him, but doesn’t go to help him up. He’s well aware that his second youngest son is no stranger to bumps, bruises, and being attacked by multiple people after a prank got a little too far under their skin. “You good?” “I got ambushed by a disembodied voice in my own home,” Perce complains. “What about that is good?”

A moment passes, and Day points out, “If I wanted to be a smartass, I’d tell you that technically, it’s my home–” “Dad, really?!” “But I’ll restrain myself,” he finishes, despite the outburst.

His second youngest points an accusatory finger at him. “That’s a dick move and you know it.” 

With an incredulous scoff, Day tells him, “Perseus, you got multiple board games banned and I’ve had to set rules for what's acceptable for family movie night.” “There wasn’t anything saying I couldn’t splice together the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy–” “Yeah, because none of your brothers thought to do it. You gave them the idea and now we all have to suffer the consequences.”

Even though he huffs like he’s annoyed, Perce has a wide grin as he flops back down on the sofa. “No regrets.” 

“I’m aware.” Much like Perce, Day has a smile and his tone is warm, if a little exasperated.

His son refocuses him by saying, “Disembodied voice has a point, though. Everything I hear about the SMPza makes it sound weird. Wasn’t your theory that it’s made out of your admin light– or whatever it was you called it? Why’s it so different than here, then?”

There’s a furrow of Day’s brow as he tries to explain it. Some of the evidence he has is little more than a gut feeling– a sense that the world wasn’t allowed to diverge from the first life he had had in certain ways. Some events seemed fated to happen, even if that meant things or people bending and stretching in ways that they shouldn’t.

“...Too many similarities,” he murmurs. Perce argues, “Dad, we’re cosmically the same person.” 

“No it’s– not in the same way." He chews on his lip for a moment before trying to explain, "That reality never felt– right, I guess. No other world has felt like that. They feel solid and– real, I guess? But the SMPza had this sort of surreality to it. And the ghosts I saw would sometimes…snap back, to what they were like in my first life. Ghoulus would suddenly get upset around yellow or was afraid of Schlatt, for instance. A few times he called his brothers the wrong name."

His fingers skimming over some of his braids to try and lessen the sense of unease he has whenever he dwells on the SMPza for too long. “I don’t know; it might just have been how I lived. Things felt more concrete after I met your brothers. All that time on my own might have just fucked with my head." 

It wouldn't be the first time his perspective has turned out to be horribly warped. Sometimes he worries that he still jumps at shadows that aren't really there. 

With a sigh, he continues, "I don’t have a good answer, and I can’t have a good answer. That’s the realm of the divine, and I’m not really interested in stepping on any toes by demanding an explanation. I’ll deal with potential revelations when and if they happen.”

He tilts his head to the side a little. He can’t say he isn't glad for the change of topic, but he’s a little confused about why the Observers are asking at all.

Aren't they agents of Time? Even if they might not know everything– or even a lot of things– it feels like this would be something they would already know.

…Maybe he needs to re-examine what he thought he knew about them. After all, Theo had only recently told him that they're called Observers.

"Sort of yes, sort of no," he admits. "Ender chests work no matter where we go, so in that sense, yes. We've tested them on other servers here l, and they're empty– so it’s not just us."

His wings ruffle a little as he continues, "But we go to realities without servers entirely or servers that aren't the Dream SMP fairly regularly."

Perce makes a noise of confusion at him. Day tells him, "Question about if everywhere we go is a variation of the Dream SMP."

"Ah," his second youngest says. "Obviously not. We go to single realm worlds all the time! One of the perks of Dad and Theo traveling is that they can pick out safe worlds to have a little vacation in. My personal favorites are the ones like Cat world; it’s places with that level of tech and comfort that give me games and shows and books–"

"And more ideas for how to be a menace," Day snorts. "That, too," Perce admits, "But you know you love seeing museums with Attie and Theo."

Day can’t help but smile at his memories. “You say that like you don’t like them, too.” He nudges Perce with a wing and teases, “You have extensive records of the differences between all the versions of the sets of your favorite movies.” “As anyone would!” “Mm, no, but that’s because we’re the cool family.”

He’s glad to see Perce damn near preen with pride. It would snow in the nether before he dissed one of his kids’ hobbies.

…Even if he still doesn’t understand redstone. He can manage to follow relatively simple instructions, but beyond that he’s hopeless. Dee has long since given up on it. Frankly, Day is a little glad for it; he knows that nobody enjoyed those lessons.

Except for Theo, who found it hilarious. And Orph, because he kept setting up bets on how long before Dee had to stop because he was giving himself another headache from frustration. And Atlas, because he would use it to double check his own fundamentals–

“Wait a minute,” he says, eyes narrowing. “Your brothers were using me as free entertainment.”

Perce stares at him, his confusion obvious. “...Did you seriously not realize that? No, wait, better question– what made you finally realize it?”

He’s pretty sure his expression gets across how he feels just a little insulted. “Not– I know they do in general, but I meant when Dee used to try and teach me redstone.”

A beat or two passes, and Perce asks, “...Didn’t that stop when he was like, thirteen?” “Yes.” There’s a longer pause, paired with further confusion. “...It took you sixteen years to realize that?” 

Day makes an offended noise. “Hey– there was a lot going on!” “For sixteen years?!” “Some of it, yes! And then I stopped thinking about it, because I had more important things to worry about!”

Perce sighs, and sits up to pat his shoulder. “Yeah, that’s true.” “Thank y–” “You can’t help that sometimes you’re a little dumb. Great at plenty of stuff, but in some ways…ehhh…”

Oh, those are fighting words. He smiles, and can tell his son realizes that he’s signed up for a lot of unexpected cardio from the way his eyes get wide. He warns, “You have until I secure my stitch before I start hunting.”

As expected of the Manhunt king, Perce doesn’t bother arguing– he just scrambles to his feet and starts booking it.

[an-anonymous-autobiography]

back in my periodic dan and phil phase and it’s making me think (WIP)

growing up i was always a bit quirky (autistic) and not like the other girls (not really a girl?) and i - was the quintessential - weird kid. i was picked on a fair bit by the other kids, some of them did give me a hard time, but the worst was from the adults. i was too weird, i didn’t behave right, i was a right stroppy teen (i had needs/boundaries), i was the one who had to be whipped into shape, i had to change to fit what was expected of me. i mean really i was kind of just asking for all of the trauma by choosing to be so strange and difficult (autistic and overwhelmed), they were just showing me some good old fashioned tough love.

this didn’t just apply to the ‘difficult’ emotions, it applied to everything. i experienced all of my emotions in the wrong way - the amount of times i was called aggressive just for being passionate about something and getting a little over exuberant. i was forced to quell my happiness because i didn’t show it properly, i felt everything too intensely and any non standard show of emotion had to be kept in check and not left to get out of hand. any chance i did get i took to far cos it was so unfamiliar to me and i didn’t know how to handle it.

i had to do things with reason, there had to be purpose, i guess there kinda had to be a demographic of sorts, someone to validate it and say yes i like this and therefore approve of you doing it.

“i want to do this” “but why?”

“who’s going to see/watch/read/like it?”

bitch? ME!! i want to do this for ME! why must my happiness need someone else’s permission?

i felt i had to justify being happy, or just purely existing. i always had to have a reason for doing things, it seemed the people around me didn’t really understand that sometimes i just wanted to do things for fun. they acted like my trying to be happy was unnatural and as a result those traits were trained out of me, as if joy is disallowed past age 8 and as if autism can be undiagnosed with enough positive thinking and discipline.

i always felt i had to be ‘proper’, and by proper i mean like, serious, mature, without frivolous intention, planned to a T. there was a right way to do things and all i knew was that i could never do it.

bringing this back to dan and phil. i’ve been watching some of their old videos, i keep watching them over again, sometimes i’ll finish one and then replay it pretty much instantly. it gives me so much nostalgia from when i was a kid, but also i can see so much of my old self in what they do. all of that joy that i wanted to experience, just simple awkward nerdy fun. people loved them for it and still do.

it’s not just them, there were/are so many people who became successful because of those traits that everyone tried so desperately to rid me of and it makes me sad to think of all i could have been if i’d just been allowed to be myself.

some of my quirks were a little too outlandish at times but i don’t think any child has a perfect grasp on the real world. i had so much promise and drive and it was taken from me for no reason

seeing all the people i knew, living their lives and being successful, getting jobs, getting degrees, getting married, etc etc. seeing all the people who were ‘worse’ than me now living more fulfilling lives than i feel i’ll ever have. hurts. it hurts to know all of the pain i went through as a kid was for nothing. it didn’t help me, i could have been far greater if i’d been able to just, be. they tried so hard to fix me and all they did was make me so much worse.

i don’t understand anything. i know nothing about the real world, no one ever thought i’d be capable of living like a normal person so i was kept from it. i feel like i was constantly forbade from just living.

it makes me so sad. so angry. all of the life i missed out on cos no one thought i could be human.

i am so tired of being half human.

i could have had a life, i could have done so much, actually been someone. but now i just hide in my room, i literally never leave the house, i don’t do anything. i’m sick of it, being forced to be no one. i’m me and i’ve always been me no matter how much you hate that and you can’t take that away from me. i am ME, you are not. you don’t know me better than i do, you barely know me at all, you don’t deserve to control me the way you do. i’d leave but you trapped me here, hid me from the outside world and got angry when i asked if i was allowed life skills. you made me into this burden you hate so much, and i’m not sorry for the pain that caused you.

███, ███ i just wish you’d take me away, let me stay with you, teach me how to be human like you are.

it’s way too early and i haven’t been to sleep yet

i’m rambling and i can barely keep my eyes open

[invisiblegarters]

Sorry, this is a bit long, but your answer about the bias Jojo has for his "work crush" made me think about the concept more broadly.

I always perceived myself as a pretty even fan of both First and Khaotung as actors. I think they're both amazing, just different in their approaches. Yes, I think I might gravitate towards First's style of acting more but it wasn't like some crazy preference. I never felt the need to go out of my way to say how good First is.

That is, until I started seeing a weird bias at GMMTV. They LOVE Khaotung. It's not just Jojo. It's Aof, it's everyone. Yeah Joong, Book, Sea, and Mix are both First and Khaotung's friends but you can tell who people are really charmed by. Khaotung is incredibly charismatic, just without the sort of "classic idol" energy of Fourth, who is much more outgoing and peppy. Add on the fact that he's a good actor and voila, you get the outcome you see. First is constantly seen as "the person with Khaotung" or "an amazing actor with Khaotung" rather than talented in and of himself. I have no significant understanding of Thai, but I keep getting the impression that they see Khaotung as a much better actor than First, to the point that they don't know how to compliment First without sounding a bit underhanded. While I agree Khaotung was phenomenal as Ray and deserves all the awards, I keep getting stuck on how Gaipa got so much interest from one crying/singing scene at a funeral that I still think is out of character when First's nuanced interpretation of Alan was a major factor in making MLC's core story work. Initially I thought it was because Alan was the pseudo-villain, but they still managed to at least nominate (correctly!) Neo for his amazing job as Boston.

I think this why First keeps becoming the love interest after The Eclipse/MLC. (BTW, I thought I was crazy when I slowly realized how little intrinsic character development Sand had in Only Friends, and now hearing you imply the same thing shocked me.) Khaotung had his big break and the notion just stuck. I don't think First ends up with terrible characters or anything, he still does amazing with these pretty good but sort of vaguely wallflower characters, but yeah it does stick in the back of my mind that something weird is happening. It's unfortunate to hear that the THK book isn't promising regarding Kant's story beats. I guess First isn't going to get a chance to top Akk any time soon.

It just sucks that I now have go out of my way to say yes, I really do love Khaotung's acting, I'm just talking about First because he's facing a deficit. You may feel differently but I'm pretty sincere about liking them both pretty equally.

Hi, non! You're trying to get me in trouble here aren't you, lol.

Before I get into the answer I want to say a couple of things. One, I am absolutely not trying to restart the debate about who deserves what - this is not the place to complain about either of them or insinuate that either of them are undeserving of the attention they do get (not you anon but since I read everything I've seen how sour this can get very quickly and I'm not up for it. Pitting these two against each other like they're in some sort of talent cage match is not how I roll, even if I have a very obvious bias).

Two, I have a very obvious bias. 😁 I adore First, I would follow him anywhere. Yes, probably even Scarlet Heart if that's true. But just the parts he's in, okay. I have my limits. So take all the following opinions with a giant grain of salt (except Jojo's crush, he's not shy about it that's not an opinion I hold so much as being hit in the head with a brick lol).

With that over with, please allow me to ramble at you at length (you did this to yourself with the long ask, this is your fault I bear no responsibility).

Heads up: there will be a spoiler about the THK novel later – I’ll warn beforehand and put it behind a cut.

I will be really honest, I didn't notice it much until Only Friends because until that show I never paid any attention to BTS stuff or interviews or much beyond thinking wow these guys are good, but then I couldn't stop noticing. And I agree it's not just Jojo. Pretty much all BTS stuff in any show they are both in…First rarely is praised. Unless they're playing up the fanservicy stuff or he's praising Khaotung, he usually isn't even in them (which he does at every opportunity, the sweetheart). And a lot of the times that First's abilities are brought up, it's Khaotung doing it, usually while being praised himself. It's genuinely super sweet, and one of the reasons that I do like them so much as a pair - neither one of them ever misses an opportunity to talk about how amazing the other is.

You're not wrong that there's this weird way other people have of talking about them, though, that makes me feel like you might be on to something with it just being accepted that Khaotung is leagues above First when it comes to skill. It's like "Khaotung is brilliant amazing wonderful effortless. First works hard." Which isn't untrue, but also really makes it sound like First's only contribution is being able to show up and put in the work, lol, or like he's struggling to keep up (which I do not see at all. One of the things that I love about First is how effortlessly he matches the energy of whoever he's in a scene with, which is why it's so obvious to me when he's being told not to, like when he was playing therapist as Ray's image of Sand in ep 10 of OF, and also in their fight beforehand - Sand wasn't allowed to break until after Ray left, so First had to be way more restrained than Khaotung during most of that scene. I saw a lot of really nasty comments about his acting after that and it was annoying. It was Sand who was struggling there, not First). There's also a weird trend where people can't say anything nice about First without including Khaotung or at least disclaiming that they like both, but Khoatung is praised alone all the time, no disclaimers needed. Sometimes it does feel like people have forgotten First is actually his own person and not just Khaotung's extra arm or something.

I do get the impression Khaotung networks more. I could be wrong! But from the little I've seen First does sort of just follow his lead when it comes to that side of things. Part of being successful is successfully selling yourself, and I think Khaotung's better at it, even if he's not really the "outgoing" one of the two. Also Khaotung is the better singer. First can sing, just not as well. That makes him less valuable/important in some eyes because he's less the "full-package."

As for the other actors - well. I don't pay as much attention to that because I still don’t really seek this stuff out, I just look at it as it comes to me. But from what I have seen I wouldn't say that they all mostly love Khaotung and First just kind of follows along. I think that it's really easy to get that impression since that's what fandom likes to focus on - there's this whole "Khaotung is everyone's favorite and First's is jealous/possessive" narrative that goes on. It's cute, it's a kind of dynamic that people tend to be into (hell, I'm into it - although I like it better if it goes both ways rather than just one direction). People will read into things however they want. Just ask me - First so much as looks at anyone and I become an instant ghost shipper. What do you mean everyone isn't in love with him?

But in all seriousness it seems like they're both pretty well-loved. Of the ones you mentioned, Mix and Earth hang all over both of them and vice versa, and it seems to be pretty much that way with Joong and Dunk now too. I don't really see any of them preferring one or the other (if anything it's FK preferring Joong, but then again Joong is often the one posting stuff so again, who even knows).

It genuinely makes me happy to see either of those foursomes in any combo together because how much they seem to enjoy being around each other. But even if they all do adore Khaotung and not First he isn't owed that, you know?

And like, he has people like Tay, who loves Khoatung a bunch too but seems to adore First especially. And I seem to remember hearing somewhere that he and Boom are close, although I know less about it because again, it doesn't get shared here. But Tay and First's bond is talked about a lot.

I loved Sand to pieces and sometimes mildly resent that what could have been some great stuff for him was skipped over because no one cared (although I did see some great posts about him, loved them all, overthinking about Sand is one of my favorite activities and I appreciate anyone else who seems to have the same problem), but he wasn't the character I'd say was most shafted in the show. After my poor lesbians I'd actually say that was Top (although Top was one of the ones who got a second name, good for him). IMO even Boston had a ton of his character development off screen, which is a testament to how good of an actor Neo is that he still managed to pull it off as well as he did. I didn't know he was nominated and that is so freaking awesome. May he be even more recognized in the future. ❤

But a lot of the characters in that show were extremely shallow on paper. Most, if I'm honest. Thankfully for the most part the actors were able to put more into the characters than was actually there (sometimes I imagine First's direction and get the giggles. "Be in love with Ray and sad he loves someone else. Remember you are poor. Punch Top in the face"). Don't get me wrong, though - although my enjoyment of OF when it was airing was in and out for several reasons I really like it now. Like I will happily talk about at length, it's a real problem (as I am sure you can already tell). But it's like I said  - once you see something it's hard to unsee it.

I have been told repeatedly that I am just a social media recluse (like I have a tumblr and an ao3 account, lol. That's it that's me) who doesn't hang out in the right places or talk to the right people to know much one way or the other about it, and I think that's a large part of it, too. The stuff I see here isn't everything people are sharing and talking about, it's just what I see because that's where I go. And like I said, I've seen a lot of stuff that I don't get here recently because my phone is a dirty little spy and now I get recced all kinds of First Kanaphan content, lol. It still doesn't make the BTS stuff less weird, though.

(also, as an aside in an already ridiculously long post that I absolutely should trim down and won’t (long-winded is right there in the profile), I will say that the MLC stuff is just weird all around. Earth was phenomenal as Jim but I don't seem to hear much about that either. He wasn't nominated for any awards for it (according to The Google anyway so if I'm wrong please correct me) either which baffles me. In fandom I remember the talk mostly being about how he was too young to be playing the character. Whatever naysayers he was amazing and he deserved all the accolades for the way he portrayed Jim this is a fucking travesty and the one thing that I think I might actually be genuinely angry about (besides the THK novel okay I will die mad about that))

I'm not even sure it really matters. People aren't going to magically change what and who they like just because I'm here stamping my feet and whining that it's not fair (which this isn't meant to be, for the record. This is just me working through my thoughts on all this stuff by talking way too long and probably running off course way too much).

What does matter, happily, is the fun stuff: talking about how much I like him and how great I think he is at his job. Watching his shows and finding more and more reasons to enjoy his characters. Reblogging pretty gifs and interviews and just talking him up in general. Hell, even if THK winds up underutilizing him as much as I fear, I will probably still watch at some point, and I have every confidence he'll rock whatever does get. Maybe someday tides will change. I do think that there's often a tendency to pit two people against each other (or two pairs, or two groups, etc), but maybe someday we can get a little closer to meeting in the middle and being able to say that no, both these things (people) are great, we can actually give them both really meaty parts and they’ll both do amazingly.

Also and maybe most importantly, look at him. Doesn't he just seem really happy and like he's having a ton of fun? Doesn't he seem even more excited than Khaotung to hear him praised? Isn't he the one doing it first (and loudest) most of the time? I don't think that anyone can ever praise Khaotung enough for First, lol. And while we can never know how someone feels in private, if he doesn't seem bothered, I've resolved not to be bothered, either (although I might be sad simply because it's less First content for me, lol).

And on the bright side, if Khaotung really is considered so superior and First stays paired with him, at least we're guaranteed to see him on our screens since surely they'll want to keep Khaotung in work. 🤡

SPOILERS FOR THK NOVEL BELOW - Like actual spoilers, don’t continue if you don't want to know.

As for The Heart Killers novel, saying Kant has story beats beyond being in love with Bison is pretty generous.

Sorry but if the show is even 50% like the novel Kant's shaping up to be even less of a character outside his LI than Sand. It’s so bad that I genuinely wonder if all Khaotung’s talk about how much he likes him is actually an attempt to gaslight us into thinking he’s a real character and not just a cipher to get the real plot rolling / showcase Bison’s awesomeness (no I am not kidding I really wish I was) before the show so we’re more likely to do the footwork of making him make sense ourselves.

Man. I should rewatch Only Friends. Or at least ep 8.

[jordoalejandro]

The Eighth Annual List of TV Shows I Saw the Past Year

Another weird year. Feels like there have been more and more weird years since 2020.

This year saw a lot of shows delayed by the strikes or coming back with 10-15 episode seasons. On the bright side, it allowed me to catch up with a few shows I’d missed.

Another weird thing: I usually say these lists are shows I’ve watched that have come out since the last Emmys, except the last Emmys occurred on January 15, 2024, which would’ve put some of these shows in no-man’s land.

So, instead, here’s the list of TV shows I’ve watched since-ish the last list of TV shows I watched (10/1/23).

38. Krapopolis (Season 1 - 2023-2024, FOX) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - A brutally unfunny show. I could probably count on one hand the number of jokes that really hit over a full season. And it’s not that it’s like, clever funny instead of laugh out loud funny. It’s not even particularly clever. It’s just sort of lazy Greek myth and early civilization references. The animation is really ugly and unpleasant to look at. The voice acting outside of Matt Berry is bad. I like Richard Ayoade, but he’s not right for this. His deadpan delivery works in his comedy but he just sounds like he doesn’t know when to emote here. Duncan Trussell has no range either in a large supporting role. Both are odd casting choices. I don’t think I liked any aspect of this show. I had to will myself to get through the season for completion’s sake. This show’s been renewed for three(!) additional seasons but I am so out.

37. La Brea (Season 3 - 2024, NBC) (Last year’s ranking: 42) - This show limped across the finish line with a sloppy six episode final season that hastily tried to wrap everything up. (It actually really felt like they tried to hastily wrap things up in only the final three or four episodes. They were kind of setting things up in the first two which makes me think I can pinpoint when they got the call from the bosses that it was over.) I've often said of this show that I really couldn't be bothered either way, but this season, it was not just me that couldn't be bothered. Multiple actors didn’t show up for the majority of the series' final episodes, eventually making courtesy appearances in the finale. At least the show got a proper ending. Completing a story is always nice. Too many shows don’t get that. La Brea is destined to be something I’ll be reminded of years from now that’ll make me go, “Oh yeah, I did watch that, didn’t I? Hmm. Don’t really remember anything about it.”

36. Fear the Walking Dead (Season 8B - 2023, AMC) (Last year’s ranking: 23) - Frustrating, aimless final episodes. No clear intention for the characters, bouncing around from motivation to motivation until the show came to an end. Looking back now, it seems pretty clear the show jumped the shark with the nukes going off at the end of season six. It was an apocalypse hat on an apocalypse hat. What followed were a series of constant time jumps and settings changes that didn’t really produce interesting scenarios but did manage to suck all the character drama out of the show. You'll hear, sometimes, about shows that make bold writing decisions because it forces them to write with their backs to the wall, to get creative and change course. You usually hear about this in a positive way. “It made the show better. It kept the audience guessing. Blah blah blah.” The season six finale in Fear was a bold storytelling choice that it never recovered from. Ultimately, I think this show had one really great season, a couple of good ones, and bits and pieces of quality here and there. When it was at its best, it was a show that focused on the characters and made me care for them. But it was also a show that often lost sight of that bigger picture, and it spent its final two years flailing its way to a messy ending. Tough way to go.

35. Abbott Elementary (Season 3 - 2024, ABC) (Last year’s ranking: 37) - Abbott Elementary reeled off a string of episodes early in season 3 that had me thinking, okay not bad, maybe they’re finally finding their footing. They lost it all almost immediately, reverting back to the weak writing of before for the back half of the shortened season. It does give me hope that, as the writers and actors continue to hone in on what works and what doesn’t, they’re will be more consistent improvement. What doesn’t give me as much hope is that we’re three seasons in already and still struggling through this.

34. Grimsburg (Season 1 - 2024, FOX) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - It’s a show that feels a little bit off the FOX animation assembly line -- schlubby male lead, goofy son, side character that’s a cyborg for some reason -- but it does show some promise. Nothing in the first season that really knocked my socks off but some solid episodes and I think if it can figure out how to balance the mystery with the humor, it can be a decent cartoon.

33. CSI: Vegas (Season 3 - 2024, CBS) (Last year’s ranking: 36) - The show settled into a pretty average crime show. I didn’t hate it or anything but also, I can’t really be too upset that it got canceled.

32. Echo (Miniseries - 2024, Disney+) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - You know how, sometimes, you’ll hear about a new spinoff show or film that’s set to explore a side character’s story and you think to yourself, Hmm, I wonder how they’re going to make that interesting? And then you watch it and they somehow do make it interesting? They show you a part of the character that you hadn’t seen before and give them some depth or reveal a surprising backstory that makes the character more interesting or sympathetic and you’re like, Wow, I’m glad they made this spinoff? Well, Echo isn’t that. Echo was a character that appeared in the Hawkeye series and she was a dour, stiff gang enforcer. She seemed uninteresting outside of her connection with the Kingpin character. Well, she got her own show and it turns out, she’s still pretty uninteresting. She still is dour and stiff. They give her some okay side characters to interact with but nothing that really moves the needle. They expand on her relationship with Kingpin but what you learn is all stuff you could’ve surmised from their interactions during Hawkeye. There’s some fun action in here but ultimately, nothing that really makes you feel like this was a truly worthwhile side-road to travel down.

31. Quantum Leap (Season 2 - 2023-2024, NBC) (Last year’s ranking: 35) – Quantum Leap was, in the end, fine. I mentioned it last year, but it’s essentially a quasi-anthology show and so some episodes were interesting, some were less so. The overarching plot was just fine as well. It was a passable show, but I’m not going to shed too many tears about its cancellation.

30. The Great North (Season 4 - 2024, FOX) (Last year’s ranking: 20) - Little bit of a weak season for The Great North. I don’t think there was anything wrong structurally, per se, just very few episodes that really stood out. Could come right back next year and move back up several spots with a run of good episodes.

29. The Simpsons (Season 35 - 2023-2024, FOX) (Last year’s ranking: 22) - Similar to The Great North, a weak season for The Simpsons. The highest grade I gave an episode this year was a B+. Nothing really standout to raise the overall score. Also similar to The Great North, it’s a case of what can you do? Write better episodes, I guess. When you do 700+ episodes over three and a half decades, there’s bound to be stretches of 18 episodes where nothing shines through.

28. Ghosts (Season 3 - 2024, CBS) (Last year’s ranking: 26) - Ghosts has landed around here on every list it’s appeared on so far and that seems about right. I haven’t given any episode of Ghosts a grade higher than a B+ in two seasons, but it also hasn’t gotten many bad scores either. Consistently decent enough.

27. Bob’s Burgers (Season 14 - 2023-2024, FOX) (Last year’s ranking: 32) - The last few years, Bob’s Burgers has surprised me by mixing in an excellent episode amongst some mostly average episodes. It generally also has a couple of episodes per season that grate on me. This shortened season had neither. Just the average episodes, which is why it’s landing on this list around here, with other average shows.

26. Chad (Season 2 - 2024, The Roku Channel) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - Quick history of this show: sold to Fox in 2016, who eventually opted not to move forward with it. Picked up by TBS in 2019, aired its first season in 2021. Renewed for a second season right before the season one finale. A year later, TBS announced, hours before the second season premiered, that the show was canceled and would not be airing and TBS was getting out of the content game. The Roku Channel picks it up in October of 2022, releases season two in January of 2024, and cancels the show in May of 2024. Two seasons across eight years and three channels. And was it all worth it? Sure. Let’s say sure. Chad was a super cringe comedy with a little bit of depth that occasionally surprised you. I really enjoyed it at times and intensely disliked it at others but ultimately, I’m glad its second season didn’t disappear into the corporate tax write-off depths and got to be seen by whichever members of the general public that could find it on The Roku Channel.

25. Animal Control (Season 2 - 2024, FOX) (Last year’s ranking: 14) - I didn’t dislike Animal Control this year. I didn’t think it was much different in quality than season one. I think its rating took a hit because it, like a lot of shows, had a shortened season and none of the episodes really stood out and so a bunch of average scores land it about ten spots lower from one list to the next.

24. Clipped (Miniseries, 2024, Hulu) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - Some decent performances and some interesting twists and turns but I think you kind of have to care about the early 2010s LA sports scene to really appreciate this. I don’t think this show alone gets you there. You don’t have to be a Clipper fan, but at least having an interest in the Donald Sterling affair and everything that surrounded it is probably needed.

23. Family Guy (Season 22 - 2023-2024, FOX) (Last year’s ranking: 24) - Family Guy is a show I usually highlight as one that experiences a lot of highs and lows, but weirdly, this year it’s at this spot on the list because it, too, was kind of just middle of the road.

22. Snowpiercer (Season 4 - 2024, AMC) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - Snowpiercer is another show that almost got disappeared by TBS/TNT’s sudden shift to not producing original content anymore. I once described Snowpiercer as filling my Stupid Summer Show slot (meaning a show that’s not necessarily stupid, per se, but more a wacky, swing-for-the-fences type that airs in the summer months when everything else is on hiatus so you have something to look forward to every week). I’ll always be a little sad about the ending of a Stupid Summer Show. They bring me joy. On the other hand, I also wrote about season three of Snowpiercer that it felt about right that season four would be its last. That remained true. They spent so long on the train during the first three seasons that it started to get tired. This season, they actually tried something new and it didn’t really help much. I suppose the show as a whole was a little tired. Which is fine. This was probably never a concept built to last this many episodes. And so, I’ll take this pretty good final wrap-up season and thank Snowpiercer for its Stupid Summer Show service.

21. What If…? (Season 2 - 2023, Disney+) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - I wrote that the first season of this anthology show was better at coming up with concepts than executing them. I think season two flipped that around. The execution of the plot within the episodes was tighter but the stories themselves were not as intriguing. Some fun ones here and there. If this show could figure out how to nail both concept and execution, it could be really good.

20. American Dad! (Season 20B - 2023, TBS) (Last year’s ranking: 18) - American Dad! was more in the "highs and lows" school of ratings than the "just average" school. Some excellent episodes in this back half of season 20 and some not so good ones.

19. Ahsoka (Season 1 - 2023, Disney+) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - Ahsoka’s episodes were all decent to very good but I think I wasn’t getting the full experience because I haven’t seen any of the Star Wars animated shows from which most of these characters originated. There would be moments that felt like significant reveals or emotional beats that didn’t fully land with me because I barely knew who any of these people were. I mean, I think the show still worked well enough without that previous viewing experience, but probably not as well as it could have if I’d done the homework ahead of time.

18. The Acolyte (Season 1 - 2024, Disney+) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - Some stuff in here worked well, a good chunk of it didn’t, but an entertaining enough series overall. Excellent fight choreography, among some of the best fight scenes in the Star Wars franchise.

17. Baby Reindeer (Miniseries - 2024, Netflix) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - It has its spots where it drags or feels a little repetitive. Its high points, though, are very good. Thrilling, tragic, yet still comedic in the blackest of ways. I think if this had been condensed into a two hour film, it would’ve been excellent. As a seven episode miniseries, it’s still pretty good.

16. Our Flag Means Death (Season 2 - 2023, Max) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - It remained a delightful show in its second and final season and finished on a high note.

15. Dead Boy Detectives (Season 1 - 2024, Netflix) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - Good characters, fun stories, a lot of style. I appreciated the use of the theremin. You rarely get theremin these days. Another Netflix one-and-done, which is a shame.

14. So Help Me Todd (Season 2 - 2024, CBS) (Last year’s ranking: 17) - I guess this is the “canceled too soon” portion of the list, as So Help Me Todd was axed shortly before its season two finale. This show was, I think, just about the best you’re going to get from a big order network series (your 23 episodes a year types). Snappy writing. Strong cast chemistry. A funny, easy watch week in and week out.

13. The Walking Dead: Daryl Dixon (Season 1 - 2023, AMC) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - There was nothing exactly game-changing about this. No reinvention of The Walking Dead formula. It just felt fresher overall. It had a fresh look and style and France turned out to be a great choice in setting. It’s a well-done show, in terms of writing and acting and all that, but livening up the setting goes a really long way towards boosting it up this list.

12. The Lazarus Project (Season 2 - 2024, TNT) (Last year’s ranking: 11) - A good follow up season. It keeps you on your toes with its twists and turns and time traveling mind bending. It’s an often funny show as well, in a dark way. It doesn’t take itself too too seriously, which I appreciate. Also: canceled. And it ends on something of a cliffhanger, which is a bummer.

11. Hacks (Season 3 - 2024, Max) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - Caught up on this show last year and really took to it. Sharp, funny writing. Strong entertainment industry satire. Jean Smart is great in this but it has a very good cast overall.

10. Archer (Season 14 - 2023, FXX) (Last year’s ranking: 13) - Archer got off to a little bit of a slow start in season 14, introducing a new character who wasn’t really gelling. But it got stronger as it went on, and it ended with a just about perfect three-part finale. I’ll miss this crazy show. I’m glad it got to go out on a really high note.

9. Only Murders in the Building (Season 3 - 2023, Hulu) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - This show has a winning formula and it executes it well. Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez riff off each other. The central mystery keeps you guessing. The supporting characters are explored and given depth. It all works just right and makes for a great show.

8. Winning Time: The Rise of the Lakers Dynasty (Season 2 - 2023, HBO) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - This was another show that started a little slow but then kicked it into high gear and finished especially strong. Unfortunately, it also ends on, not a cliffhanger exactly, but a sour note. One that was strongly setting up season three -- a season which will never come because HBO pulled the plug. The show wraps up with a series of slides that tell you what happened with the main characters. It’s a nice attempt to close out things but really, it just makes you sad you’ll never see that story told. (Or, you know, dramatically reenacted.)

7. Girls5eva (Season 3 - 2024, Netflix) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - Really funny show that I’m glad came to Netflix from Peacock so I could actually watch it. It’s produced by Tina Fey and done very much in her style: jam-packed with silly jokes that hit at an incredibly high success rate.

6. Mr. & Mrs. Smith (Season 1 - 2024, Amazon Prime Video) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - Did you know the original movie is somewhat weakly rated by the populace at large? 60% on Rotten Tomatoes. 6.5 on IMDb. I love that movie. It’s obviously not the best film ever but for what it set out to be -- a light romantic action comedy -- it’s great! And, honestly, probably the sexiest PG-13 movie ever? I mean, the chemistry between Pitt and Jolie? It’s palpable. I get why that film created and destroyed multiple marriages. Anyway. All this is to say I had both high hopes and high expectations for this series and it more or less met them. It has all the right pieces: the action, the romance, the comedy. The chemistry between Donald Glover and Maya Erskine is strong. It’s a good looking show, as well. Good music, good vibe. I guess the only knock, and why it’s around here on the list, is that it doesn’t always feel like its clicking. While the movie is two hours and keeps moving from beginning through finale, the show is eight hours and it sometimes feels like you’re sitting in scenes or plots too long. This is a little more noticeable when there’s tension in the characters’ relationship and they’re arguing and you’re kind of hit with the realization that you’re not watching people do spy stuff anymore and you haven’t been for a while. You’ve just been watching a couple going through marital strife, which, let’s be honest, isn’t nearly as fun as spy stuff. It’s when the show slows down that I found myself thinking, There’s some great stuff here but it could use some trimming. I wonder if this would’ve been stronger as a movie? And then I remember it was one and I kind of want to go watch the movie instead. That’s not a great argument to make in favor of this show. It was a very good first season and I liked it a lot. (I just loved the movie more.)

5. Fargo (Season 5 - 2023-2024, FX) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - I think, ultimately, there was just not enough story for the full ten episodes here. The show often hit the brilliant mix of dark comedy, tragedy, and mythology that Fargo is known for but it also slowed down at far too many points to rank it amongst the best of the show’s seasons. Still really strong though, and an improvement on season four.

4. The Bear (Season 3 - 2024, Hulu) (Last year’s ranking: 1) - I loved season two of The Bear. What I loved most about it was the character growth. You saw so many of the characters blossom and you came to care for them. My fear going into season three was that we’d see some resetting or some unearned regression of these characters because the drama has to come from somewhere, right? I think, luckily, the show sidestepped that. They didn’t ruin characters for the sake of drama, which is appreciated. Unluckily, I think their method for sidestepping regressing their characters was to just kind of bring the show’s timeline to a screeching halt. The first two episodes of the season take place over a day. Much of the season takes place over, I think, a month? It’s very short. And so, nobody really regresses but also nobody really progresses either, and it feels like we’re not really going anywhere. That said, still a lot of really excellent stuff within this season, even if I felt like the season overall was kind of treading water a little bit. 3.1, "Tomorrow," was tremendous, using mostly music and visuals to tell the story of Carmy’s life. And 3.6, “Napkins,” was a really touching episode as well. There’s still a lot of greatness in this show, but I am starting to wonder if this is a situation where an endgame might help in plotting things out and landing this plane.

3. The Walking Dead: The Ones Who Live (Miniseries - 2024, AMC) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - It surprised me how much I enjoyed returning to these two Walking Dead characters. Andrew Lincoln and Danai Gurira play them so well, and play off each other so well. I’m glad they found a satisfying way to come back to Rick and Michonne and wrap up their story.

2. Loki (Season 2 - 2023, Disney+) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - I really did love both seasons of this show. Enthralling, emotional, funny, great to look at and listen to. I think I understood maybe two-thirds of it. I think if there’s any reason season two didn’t land as strongly with me as season one it’s that. It gets a little complicated. There is a lot thrown at you. And from you. And through you. And, also, simultaneously, never thrown at all. Time is a fascinating concept. But even not catching everything, you can still connect with the characters and the journey. The emotion still lands. The two seasons combined are in my top ten MCU experiences.

1. Fallout (Season 1 - 2024, Amazon Prime Video) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - There’s sort of an unfair advantage built in here because I’m a huge fan of the video game series but I just could not get enough of this show. It’s a brilliant adaptation of the games, made with care by people who clearly love the series, too. It captures the essence just right, nailing the humor, the horror, the style, and the music. It explores the world of the game with an original story that feels right at home in the universe. It has action and mystery and twists and fun characters. I was worried coming in that it wouldn’t be able to do the games justice but it could not have turned out better. (It's so good that you don't even really need to know the games to enjoy it. You just have to know it's kind of gonzo and enjoy the ride.) Can’t wait for more.

If the list has bad writing at any point, just know that I wrote the majority of this while I had COVID. It gives you the brain fog and the only words you can think of to describe things with are good and bad.

But, really, in the end, aren’t those the only words you need?

Enjoy the Emmys.

- - - - -

Read More:

Annual Lists of TV Shows I Saw the Past Year

[burning-bubble-tea]

I follow this one person who gives an advice column mostly concerning how to navigate different social situations (oh look that’s probably a sign for something…. Anyway) and often times the discussion of friendship breakups are mentioned.

They’re usually described as dramatic and painful but the friendship breakups I’ve had were quiet and unexpected. And frankly is mainly because it’s a drift away and I there wasn’t a confrontation.

Like it makes sense, I’m not a confrontational person and I do believe that those friendships had a place in my life so happily, I don’t regret the time and money I spent on that relationship because relationships are not purely transactional.

One person i essentially made friends with because she provided me with a service and we became friends through that. I’ll always remember our time together fondly it’s just unfortunate that she’s a deeply hurt person and she was starting to lash out at me in ways that showed how incompatible we were.

The other friendship breakup was weird because it wasn’t really me that went through the breakup. Frankly I wouldn’t be surprised if this person still thought we were friends, just that I was still in a social circle they burned a bridge.

They still like my Instagram posts but they never said anything to me. It kinda goes to show how I don’t really matter to them in their current stage of life which is fine.

Our friendship did reach an awkward business phase where every interaction felt increasingly like distant small talk when we used to be able to talk to each other so easily.

I do miss those times but they also sort of developed into a person that was incompatible with who I became. The proceeding years before they burnt the bridge with the friend group they were really bothering me. It was hard to put a finger on as it was a multitude of actions that made me feel certain ways. It was sort of like a bunch of tiny cuts that slowly became infected.

I smiled and stayed silent as I thought the behaviour that was making me upset and annoying me was just me being unsympathetic and hateful and I do regret all the time I felt feeling guilty for having feelings. I never lashed out which wouldn’t have been a valid response but I didn’t allow myself to fully feel annoyed, upset and frustrated and so most of those emotions festered.

When they burnt the bridge they did the breakup with someone else and I was just not even talked to. After spending half a decade being their close friend, all it took was two years of them becoming close to someone else to completely forget me. Which doesn’t exactly feel great.

I’m overall happy I didn’t receive a burnt bridge treatment. But also it would’ve been nice for the time that we spent together to be acknowledged one way or another.

Like I know it would’ve been more hurtful to be treated that way but I guess the grass is greener on the other side.

It’s just weird how quickly I was discarded. We were still in the same friend group, it wasn’t like we drifted away. We primarily drifted away in the sense that we didn’t call each other all the time. But it felt like all of a sudden I wasn’t invited anymore. And being a least favourite friend of most every friend group I was in in my childhood, it didn’t exactly bubble up pleasant memories.

I had such a hard time having a close friend in my childhood. I was close with my neighbourhood friends but they went to different schools as me and we naturally drifted apart once we stopped playing outside as often.

One girl I got close too got ill and became homeschooled.

My closest friend from preschool moved away at the end of kindergarten. (Also her mother was very mean to mine).

Whenever I didn’t have a close friend I’d play tag with the boys but being a child that was very queer and trans but not knowing, I knew it felt very weird.

I got along with the neurodivergent boys but while we bonded, as they started feeling more comfortable in their masculinity, I become less comfortable around them.

I remember acting in a way that was weird and felt irregular and wrong for me just to fit in with the other boys.

But they stopped playing tag and started playing soccer. Grounders and pretend became childish and I definitely was not maturing as fast as them. (Though in high school I definitely matured way faster then hahahahaha)

I did have one “best friend” in elementary school but even then that only lasted a few years before I was tossed aside because I struggled to get along with others. Also he was and still is a jerk.

I was the weird lonely kid who cried a lot in elementary school. A lot of the girls liked me because I was nice (and basically one of the girls cause y’know trans kid who didn’t know they were queer and could make use of the girlies and the gays alliance) but I wasn’t a girl enough to be in the girl friend group (curse the binary gender roles of 2010’s elementary school).

But my parents always said high school would be a fresh start for me and I’d do much better there and they were fully right.

It also helped that at that point I was identifying as a gay boy (who was very much in denial and ignorance over my transness) so I was able to make connections with other queer weirdos.

That’s when I became close with the person. Five years we spend being super close. But once again they moved on and I felt sorta left behind. They were making new friends (who I was friends with as well) but they all became closer as I was left out. Primarily because I was found annoying which okay fair. I’m still annoying, I just find I don’t care too much about it anymore.

Also this is the part where I’d talk about my current close friendship I met around this time but this isn’t time for me to be sappy about that shit I’m unpacking trauma through a Tumblr post and feeling sorry for myself, no room to discuss the immense positive impact they’ve had on my life ew gross.

Anyways that was a really long tangent.

I just always feel like I’m being left behind sometimes. It’s kinda nice now. Being older, there’s so many different avenues to go to and so many people are healing their inner child and it isn’t seen as bad to be a bit immature as an adult. It’s whimsy or whatever rather than cringe. Obviously depending hahahah, if you’re still being mean and rude in ways children are that’s pretty cringe. But being sad or happy in the way children are, well that’s not too bad is it. It’s very healing.

I dunno, I’ve mostly come to peace to my terrible time in elementary school. And my bad relationships in high school (though overall high school was way better for me and that’s primarily due to how awful elementary school was)

Either way now the little awkward annoying queer kid is out at the club with the other queerdos. Drinking water and standing at the edge of the mosh pit having a great time.

[into-the-mortuary]

i guess i should remake an intro post for myself before i get some work done today, if im going to be here a while again :/

my name is yana, i let friends call me yan and it’s usually how i sign off. i’m 18, sort of, age is weird in this system and generally and i don’t really feel 18. i use she/it pronouns, and feminine terms. i’m aromantic asexual, and im queer platonically married to my husband jamie in our partner system :] he’s the best :] my momma and my dads and my siblings are also in our partner system

i’m a persecutor, sort of. i fit less into the role now, i don’t really aim to do harm and when i do i don’t mean it, im more a symptom and attachment holder really, but i still like to recognise the fact i can be harmful and i like to advocate for persecutors, since so many systems still see them as bad people when not all are. i don’t allow people to shit on all persecutors, because not everyone with that role is a horrible person just for the sake of being a horrible person.

on a more positive note, i’ll talk about some stuff i like: i like sanrio, and yamikawaii, and menhera fashion the most! i do a lot of research into them to make sure when i dress the body how i like i’m not appropriating anything! i like cats and rabbits, and i like cute weapons, and i like hair dye (specifically red hair dye)! i like my family and my friends, i have a lot of good friends in my system

i’ve been stuck in the front room for 2 years now, i was stuck directly in front for 9 months i think though? maybe 10? i kind of dread the idea of being stuck again cause it makes me so much worse, but if it happens it happens

that’s me, i’ll try to make fun posts on here too for everyone

-yan

[everyonehateserik]

A weird vent that you probably should not read. It’s stupid as fuck anyway and embarrasing, but i have no one to talk to so here l am.

If you decide to waste your time;

TW?: Suicidal thoughts if you can call them that.

im on a school feildtrip surrounded by classmates who hate me almost as much as i hate myself, sharing a room with two girls who may or may not want me dead for shit that went down in fucking middle school. i can’t get home until late friday.

first night nothing special happened. they pretended to be my friends.

second night they still did this but decided to order something similar to doordash from mc donalds at an unresonable hour knowing it could get us all in trouble with the teachers. they were caught of course, and mrs. whateverthefuck was pissed at all of us even though i was not involved.

third night they pulled the same shit but invited three other classmates into our room at 23:00 when we were meant to be asleep. caught again.

there were bunk beds in our tiny ass 2 star hostel room, and both of the girls had claimed bottom bunks. since the top bunks were crunchy and creaky as fuck and tiny little ms. scared-of-heights was about as scared to be crushed by my fat ass as she was of sleeping on the top bunk i said i’d sleep on the floor and be happy to do so.

i took the sheets and pillows and blankets onto the floor and got ready to sleep, but they just started to stare at me and then shout at me for making them feel guilty.

i tried to reassure them that the floor was cozy and that i liked this and wanted to sleep on the floor, but they threatened to go get the teacher (that had already gotten pissed at them for ordering doordash at nearly midnight and having a miniature party at idontevenknowatthispoint o’clock). long story short, teacher came in, said i was not allowed to sleep on the floor and i ended up sleeping in the creaky top bunk that could collapse at any moment.

at two today i woke up because of the taste of my own blood in my mouth. i was having a huge nosebleed for whatever reason. i laid there for two hours and tried not to get blood on the sheets. but once i ran out of space on my arms i figured i had to turn on the light and run to the bathroom. so i did. i turned on the light and woke both of them up. said: "sorry i’ve had a nosebleed for two hours i’m just gonna sort it quickly and i’ll be out." i sorted it out, got dressed, turned the light back off, and waltzed into the hostel lobby, so they wouldn’t be bothered by me for the rest of the night.

when i caught a glimpse of their faces they just looked so fucking done with all of my bullshit and like they wanted to strangle the daylight out of me.

it’s currently 05:01 and i am still in the hostel lobby venting on tumblr about the most miniscule of things to kill time. i don’t even know what i’m trying to gain here, i just felt i had to tell someone, so why not make it part of my digital footprint for all of eternity? i look like ass right now haha.

i just hate this fucking place.

i hate this school, i hate my classmates, i hate the world, and guess what? it hates me back. but no one and nothing hates me as much as i hate myself. i hate my voice, my personality, my scuffed ass face, my body, and everything else about myself. everyday when i wake up, part of me wishes i didn’t. my parents are lovely. they deserve a good daughter, my sisters deserve a good sister, my two friends deserve to be around someone who is actually a good person. but nah, they are stuck with me; a closeted tranny freak who has it way too good and makes imaginary problems out of nothing when there are actual issues in the world that are neglected every day.

i know i should just kill myself already, but i’m too much of a fucking pussy.

i want to go home. to the wonderful parents i have done fuck all to deserve, to the three story suburban home in a beautiful village i am privileged enough to live in, to my crusty little dog and my own safe space i can move as i please in.

i miss dad.

god, im so fucking pathetic to be rambling about this on a blogging site at fuck-all o’clock.

breakfast is at seven. i won’t eat probably.

[svcredveins]

This is gonna be interesting! Haha

1. Honestly, I can’t remember. Life has just gone by way too quickly lol

2. “Lub dub”

3. Tricuspid

4. To be honest, I haven’t really thought about it but back in the day (when I had a love interest. Never dated though, but this was fantasized) I fantasized just cuddling and cozying up with a partner and listen to their heartbeat and lungs, being in tune with their body, listening to the warm, delicate atmosphere of it and forming a deeper connection with their soul with priceless intimacy. I was fascinated with the thought, but I still find it wholesome and fascinating, but later on in my life I’ll experience that. Right now, I’m focused on myself and achieving my goals!

5. N/A

6. No preference. I enjoy both! Listening to is special just as much as being listened to.

7. Kind of. Every single time I’ve gone to a doctors appointment checkup, my little lady always beats fast haha. Don’t know if that’s awkward but I’ve felt awkward because she just races every time due to nerves haha.

8. Not that I’m aware of actually haha.

9. Nothing that I can remember as of recently unfortunately haha.

10. N/A

11. In between, but more on the love side because I love my coffee, but I don’t overdo it haha.

12. No, unfortunately not, although I would love to have some sort of live tracker whenever I’d workout.

13. Nope, although I would love to have all of that one day, but my first stethoscope will arrive tomorrow! I need a pulse oximeter as a second instrument.

14. To be honest, it all just depends. I love both. A slow heart rate is calming and fascinating, whereas a fast heart rate is exciting and fascinating too.

15. Slow. I much prefer my little lady to be stronger. She has strong beats, but she’s fast quite a bit just because I haven’t done cardio which I need to do. Gotta get her more relaxed so my endurance is better! Which is absolutely necessary for the future as well to become a Porsche factory driver in sports car racing. You really, really have to be so fit to do that.

16. Speed up? Sometimes breath holds, other times little workouts. That’s about it. Slow down? Deep breaths. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t haha.

17. Nope, that would be cool though.

18. Nope.

19. Surprisingly never. My previous doctor never said anything but my temporary doctor only mentioned that I have a strong heart even though I felt her pulsating inside of my chest from being nervous getting my checkup done haha.

20. No. Nowadays I probably would though.

21. Nope. I tend to not talk much being on the shyer side.

22. I don’t think I have asides from family members a long while ago.

23. Oh…honestly I’m not sure! Haha. I listen to soooo many songs so I can’t think of one at the moment haha.

24. Nope. Not sure how I’d explain it, but I would be red like a tomato because I’d feel embarrassed haha. I’m secretive. I shouldn’t be though because it is what I’m interested in and other peoples opinions don’t matter, but I’m shy so that’s my go to instinct is to just be secretive because I’d be embarrassed and feel weird afterwards lol. Like I don’t mean to be secretive but that’s just who I am at the moment with my shyness haha.

25. Yes! As you could tell, “little lady” or “little pumper” or “little ticker”.

26. No, but I’d love to have an ECG and echo done just because I’m curious! I’d love to watch my own little lady pump seeing those valves work and that blood into her chambers. That would be fascinating! Thinking about one day just paying it up front for curiousness. I guess I’d be allowed to do that haha. She’s already healthy so there’s no actual reason to, but since I’m curious, I’d love to anyway haha.

27. Not sure haha.

28. Sometimes I do because I know deep down it’s my interest so I don’t know lol. Psychologically I feel awkward at times saying it because that’s my interest? Haha. But it’s not always I have trouble saying it. Just depends on my mood I guess haha.

29. Carotid. At least on me as I’ve tried other pulse points, has been the strongest for me. Definitely my favourite pulse point, but does the chest count? Or else that would be my first favourite haha.

30. No. Family members a long time ago being hugged but that’s it.

I tried! My apologies if some answers are dull haha.

Cardiophiles, reblog with your answers so your followers can get to know you! ♡

There are 30 questions, more below the cut!

1. What is your earliest heart related memory that made you feel funny/fuzzy/flustered?

2. When intimating the sound of a heartbeat, how do you do it? Are you a lub-dub, thump-thump, etc person? Or something else?

3. What’s your favourite auscultation point?

4. What’s your ultimate SFW cardiophilia related fantasy?

5. And what about your ultimate NSFW one? (Feel free to skip this!)

6. Do you prefer to listen to be listened to?

7. Have you ever had an awkward moment at a doctor’s appointment?

8. How about any “oh shit, have they clocked that I’m into this?” moment with strangers, acquaintances, friends or family?

9. What’s your most recent heart related experience that gives you the warm fuzzies (in a wholesome, SFW way?)

10. What about in a NSFW way? (Again, feel free to skip this!)

11. Do you love or loathe the effect that caffeine has on your heart (if you drink it)?

12. Do you own a watch that tracks your heart rate?

13. How about any other equipment (e.g. a steth, blood pressure machine, stemoscope, pulse oximeter, etc)?

14. Do you prefer listening to a fast or slow heart rate?

15. Do you prefer having a slow or fast heart rate?

16. Have you ever done anything to purposely make your heart rate speed up or slow down? If so, what?

17. Have you ever stethed someone or taken their pulse outside of a medical scenario?

18. Has anyone done the above to you outside of a medical scenario?

19. Do you tend to hear “are you nervous?” or similar things from doctors because your heart is always beating so fast when they steth you? Do you have white coat syndrome?

20. Have you ever complimented a medical professional on their steth?

21. Has a medical professional ever expressed curiosity about your knowledge of hearts after you've mentioned something that a typical patient wouldn't know?

22. Have you ever told anyone in real life about your interest in hearts?

23. What’s your favourite heart related lyric in a song, or favourite song that gives off cardiophile vibes?

24. Has anyone ever caught you listening to heart audios, stething yourself, etc? If so, how did you explain yourself?

25. Do you have a nickname for your heart?

26. Have you ever had an ECG/echo/stress test, etc?

27. What’s the ultimate comment that someone can make about your heart to fluster you?

28. Do you struggle to say the words “heart”, “heartbeat”, etc aloud?

29. What’s your favourite pulse point on yourself? How about on others?

30. Has anyone ever commented on your heartbeat or pulse being visible?

[twenytwenytwo]

Dec 25 2022

Christmas day. Already blessed, for one. But to sweeten the deal, my mom bought me some new Blundstones, the red chisel toe ones I love, and a peppering of other little things.

My sleep last night was a little adrenal, it seems. Had trouble falling asleep, mind was racing while I was half asleep. Heart pounding, not fast though. Body tense. I feel worn out. Sleepy. Just kinda stressed, it seems.

Stopped by Izzy’s and gave her her little presents. Being tired and shit

I ask myself, stressed about what though? My circumstances are hardly dire, everybody’s fine. I have this perception of all my relationships being it relatively unsettled states. There isn’t the simplicity of teenage hood about them. They’re weird. Maybe I’m just being weird, maybe I’m too sensitive, looking for reasons to read between the lines, and basically not trust.

My relationships are one thing that feel up in the air. Everything else seems to be as well. With Ethan, things are inconclusive about playing, like are we really playing? So that makes my music life kinda up in the air. With Izabel, we’re in a limbo of being around but not being official. There are so many feelings there. With Ben, it’s inconclusive whether him and I will be friends, or if I want to be friends even. Music in general, in limbo. My career status, limbo, though it’s moving along (I have no commitments though). And like, what’s Lawson’s deal? He’s so ghostly.

Everything that’s important in life, besides my family say, is in a unsettled state. A state that does not encourage confident action and a sense of a potential future. I guess in a more stripped down version, the future feels very uncertain. It’s always uncertain, but before this challenging period, it felt certain. I had the feeling of who was gonna be around, what I’d be up to, and who I was generally going to be. This relaxed me and allowed me to build in a focused manner.

Too focused perhaps. A lot of the decay that happened was connection to a potential over-ambitiousness that gave me tunnel vision. I did not maintain my relationships. I frankly didn’t know how.

Anyway, yeah. Conclusiveness. Not feeling like I have to think about things in such a “to be or not to be” sort of way. It’d be nice to feel a sense of who’s going to be around, then other things could fall into place. I could conclude about what I’ll be doing, musically at least. Who I’ll hang out with, laugh with. Romantically, what the heck. I’m still so confused with Izabel, or more precisely can’t commit to staying or leaving.

Commitments. Conclusion. They create your world.

What commitments could I make right now? What conclusions?

1. I could commit fully to video as my career path. Not say I haven’t but, it still new and maybe a little wishy washy underneath.

2. I could commit to breaking up with Izzy or commit to trying again.

3. I can conclude that Ethan and are working on our friendship again. I can conclude that he’s interested in mending things based on his demeanour when we’re together, and how he talks about doing stuff, etc.

4. Conclude that I need to talk to Ben, talk about mending things. Seriously. It’s easier to get a new wagon than to put the wheel back on your last one, so we have to be serious.

Honestly those first three are likely weighing on me more than I realize. They are core things in a life. Romantic relationship; passion project/friends; career goals. Like… yeah.

(8:54pm)

So. Went to Ben’s and talked. Stated my case, and he understood. He absorbed it in his usual bouncy, unaffected Ben sorta way, that almost seems too easy.

He understood me, had a few moments of seemingly trying sidestep responsibility, but I think ultimately is sorry and won’t do it again, but is too uncomfortable with a tone of seriousness and perhaps embarrassed to be the wrong doer to outright say “I’m sorry”. That sorta pisses me off.

I dunno, Ben’s daft and seemingly allergic to sitting still. His approach can come off a little too nonchalant. His brain seems to work but he doesn’t think to use it all the time. How am I suppose to be friends with someone who I hold such a… lack lustre opinion of?

Ben just seems like a bit off a dog. Will I remain friends with him after this?

I enjoyed our banter during our short discussion. Things felt natural. Ben’s not someone I can offend. There’s give and take always. I suppose there’s only an issue if I hold everyone to a standard of perfection.

I’m sleepy, bed time for now.