#smth that makes the present better
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clarabowmp3 · 7 months ago
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I can’t keep living like this
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deoidesign · 11 months ago
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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teddybeartoji · 6 months ago
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i want (need) new glasses so badly but i HAAAATEEEEEE shopping for them it's always so awkward when the workers just glare at you the whole entire time lmao i understand that they have to keep an eye on the customers bc well what if somebody steals/breaks them right but man you don't have to shoot lasers into me
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yeonban · 18 days ago
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I've been watching tons of videos of speeches from serial killers, cult leaders, (confirmed) psychopaths etc today and Tobias does plenty of the subtle things they do, from tone and phrasing to body language. It makes it x100 scarier for me to then look at how Tobias has made every single person he's come across like him to some degree or another, sometimes simply by existing and other times by tailoring his manipulation strategies to their psyche
#tbd.#◜✧ . ❪ muse. tobias. ❫#What makes me most 😬 about Tobias' specific brand of manipulation is that it works EVEN on the toughest nuts to crack#Doesn't matter that the other person hates people. Doesn't matter that they don't trust people. Tobias eventually ALWAYS manages#to make them trust and/or like him (<-depending on what he wants to gain from them afterwards). A degree of fondness is always present#(Yk that 'ugh you're so annoying but something would be missing from my life w/o you here' kind of fondness... yeah Tobias' specialty)#Sometimes he wants both their trust and their favorable opinion. Other times he only needs one & stops after he obtains it#But to watch these kinds of videos & have Tobias in the back of my mind pointing out in EACH speech what the abuser did wrong#and what HE would have done to correct it/make it better; makes me shudder in the knowledge that he's right & he DOES do it better#That said watching these speeches has also made me realize that he's Intentionally not doing certain things that those criminals did#in the sense of body language. Half of the clues you'd get in THEM; /Tobias/ doesn't do bc he Knows people might look out for those#Either way I'm still watching some bc this is simultaneously terrible and intriguing but like 😭 I was thinking about how many#kinds of people Tobias has met on here & ALL of them have some sort of soft spot for him or another; EVEN the ones with the most#barriers known to man. Like Ash for example having a crush on this guy is killing me bc yes Tobias DOES genuinely like Ash#but everything he's done to /gain/ Ash's trust and care was planned. He's thinking everything through before he's doing it. Very few#exceptions of doing smth purely by instinct or impulse. Which again. kinda terrifying! but he's got nothing bad planned for Ash so#that's a relief at least! F to everyone else though. He's perpetually mad at me for not allowing him to kill a muse bc of godmodding 😭#Tobias refusing to work w me after the 3rd time I've reined him in when he Would've canonly killed sb: If I can't kill I also can't reply.
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greennoobartist · 23 days ago
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Hey chat guess who's sacrificing another round of sleep just to finish a f*cking one shot that's been killing me for a damn week now :)
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phagodyke · 1 year ago
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in a hilarious turn of events my flatmate didn't even know I use any pronouns....
#i thought when she was talking abt how her parents thought i was gonna come out as trans and kept checking my name/pronouns-#that the joke was that im ALREADY trans but in ways they dont know abt.... but nope she genuinely didnt know 🤭#to be fair. i dont rly let anyone in on my gender business unless we're close enough to be dating or its an anonymous online space#like im legally cis and thats fine. idc abt ppl using my name + she/her bc thats not my gender identity its just AN identity that i use-#to navigate the world without ppl being fucking nosy bc i pass as + am sociopolitically treated as a woman (if butch lol)#to ppl who are friends ill joke that my gender is dyke (true) and to friends whose gender falls on a similar spectrum-#or who are transmasc ill talk a little more honestly abt it bc theyre usually able to understand better than anyone else#other butch dykes w a weird gender going on are the only motherfuckers who actually Get It but theyre hard to come by tbh#to be frank i dont fucking know whats going on w my gender. and i dont rly care enough to do the introspection to figure it out rn#i have so many other problems in my life and im lucky that most of my beef w gender can be solved by presenting butch + binding#and using any pronouns around other queer ppl. its actually incredibly funny to me when ppl she/her me bc its like tch. this chump hasnt#unlocked my level of gender yet. pronouns and names in general are so far disconnected from the way i exist in the world...#its just smth thats fun for me to play around with + makes me feel weird sometimes but in ways i havent distilled yet yknow#and this has been my approach to gender for like?? 4-5 years now??? and likely will continue to be for a long while..#anyway. its not actually that surprising my flatmate doesnt know bc shes cis so ive never felt compelled to have a deeper conversation#abt gender with her. but also i could sweeaaar its been mentioned bc almost all our other friends are trans lol#and also ive been introducing myself at queer sports socials w any pronouns and i swear i talked abt that w her..... whatever#and my pronouns are on discord and shes def seen my tumblr before but maybe i didnt have them in my bio at the time... i digress#i kind of prefer cis ppl she/hering me tbh. theyre not able to they them or he him or whatever else me in a way that matters.....#altho i do find it fascinating when she or other ppl elect to use neutral or masculine terms for me. raising an eyebrow and taking notes#like when she got a job and joked abt me being her househusband.. pulling up the fem/masc tally chart and chalking a line up#a la nona the ninth.... ive been trying to figure out whos inhabiting this body my entire fucking life with no luck girl#ANYWAY just smth to think abt. im so tired i think my brain is gonna start seeping out my eyeballs#im gonna watch some more pluto and read and then -> 🛌#another 6:30 start tomorrow woohoo#.diaries#zzzzz
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yoojinluv · 8 months ago
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arolesbianism · 10 months ago
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Harold tell your son to post some selfies I need to draw him stat
#rat rambles#oni posting#hi Im still not asleep because Im thinking too hard abt oni#god Im so proud of you harold you made it big you have earned the huge award of being the first scientist with a confirmed named child#and not only that but one thats like relevant and might end up being duped themself#harold you made it big Im so happy for you everyone cheer and clap for my boy#and congrats to gossmann for getting a first initial ig#but yeah calvin design when also I just wanna know more abt this funky lil man#also also I need to know if harold is a good dad or not god I hope he is#if hes not I can live with it but I'd much prefer he be a good dad who supports his revolutionary son#all of my curiosity for the current actual new duplicant girl has completely died Im calvin pilled now#although tbf the new girl is not a presence in any of the new logs so its not like shes had a chance to catch my attention#and her dupe description isnt doing her any favors either#maybe if she was nonbinary Id care more lol#she still feels very weird compared to every other dupe I hope she does get some lore present to make her fit in more#I think itd be funny if her donor looked nothing like her and was just some lady and gravitas decided to get funky with it and try to make#a new unique dupe to experiment more with duplicant biology#this is baded on one of her odd quirks that makes her feel weird which is that shes guaranteed to have the cold resistant trait#I think itd be neat if she was a dupe who was specifically designed to better handle the cold#maybe they tried this with her and decided it took way too much time and resources to make specialized dupes like that#idk if they do smth like that with her then I might be able to be a fan of her's but otherwise they have some heavy lifting to do
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igneouswyvern · 1 year ago
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being the only fan of something is so great because i am the sole ruler of this kingdom. no one is around to tell me my headcanons suck or that all the characters are ooc
however it also sucks because i am the only fan. no one is around to support my headcanons or tell me they love my portrayal of the characters
#in a way i'm really glad there's no celceta fans. i don't think i could take meeting another person who knows the game#building your house out of donuts and all that#same with zestiria i'm very glad there's no one around to tell me how ooc sorey is in my mind palace or any of that#but god it would be nice to have a friend to bounce ideas off of once in a while. get some positive reinforcement in this echo chamber#of mine#altho the thing is i don't really have these kinds of elaborate aus and stories and headcanons for stuff with an actual fandom.#i love psychonauts with all my heart but the simple fact that there are other people who enjoy it just makes me feel shyer or smth#like i know that these people have played the games a million times more than i have and are a million times more obsessed with the charact#characters than i am so why should i bother developing my own headcanons abt these characters when there are people out there who do it muc#much better than i ever could. so why bother at all you know#that's why i tend to be a passive enjoyer of most things i care about on here#i'm not out here giving complex and unique takes on psychonauts or mario plots or characters#i'm just gonna enjoy what's presented to me by people who are cooler than me#and when i do have original thoughts it's only gonna be about stuff nobody else gives a flying fuck about. like tales or ys or tok#which is kind of sad! i'm not gonna lie!#but i guess i do this to myself huh. if i managed to find an ys fan they'd probably scare me out of my own theories#idk man. theres not really a solution is there#wyvern rambles
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exopelagic · 2 months ago
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aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAA PRESENTATIONS BAD
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swoo0zy · 9 months ago
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wander is DEF fucked emotionally i jyst didnt feel like fitting 2 paragraphs into 1 image also. comeduc effect ig BUT YEAH I SIGN UNDER EVERY WORD
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this is starryeyed to me
#lord peepers arc wouldve been pretty bad but nothing beats his surrender-redemption in being the worst possible outcome#itd just be like the perfectly horrible clash of a guy whod have to let go of literally everything he knew n worked for n built his entire#identity on in order to move to the good side n guy who thinks being on the good side will magically make him feel better n evil being wron#basically invalidates any sort of ambition or attachment or anything u had going for it#guy whos holding onto evil for rlly nuanced reasons vs guy who fails to see the situations complexity#like despite wanders ideology being ''only presenting the right path not forcing u to follow it'' hes rlly dead set on not leaving ppl alon#until they follow it voluntarily#smth i feel he tried to do w dominator#n that makes wander an extremely interesting flawed character#i have a feeling#he sort of... views peepers as an extension of hater if thats the right way to put it#like if hater gets redeemed then peepers would be right there to follow him n the entire wathcdog army would also come as a 5075 in 1 deal#hence they never get ''targeted'' teh way hater does#n in that surrender-redemption case unfortunately hed be right#but that perception of peepers is extremely undermining#that his entire motivation n reason for being evil is built on his love for hater#obv it plays a big role n peepers has haters best interest in mind most if not all the time#but he has reasons beyond that#peepers has a lot more going on that i feel like wander just fails to notice#YK WHAT.#I JUST THOUGHT OF SMTH GENUIS#i feel like this entire thing i just wrote out can be exemplified well in the instances#of wander trying to mend peepers' napoleon complex by gifting him heels#that encapsulates it perfectly#peepers is unhappy w his height n in attempt to help him wander gives him a superficial solution that actually doesnt resolve any of the#issues lying beneath that caused that insecurity#its like treating symptoms instead of trying to fihure out n deal w the actual illness ykwim#thats wander getting peepers on the good side out of his attachment to hater n not actual want for redemption#that would just end up making it worse cuz peepers wasnt disappointed in evil yet n to him itjust feels like hes being separted from all hi#dreams n ambitions n all his work gets rendered useless n a big big part of him is just being crossed out
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aq2003 · 2 months ago
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I can't watch things like award shows when my favs present or God forbid host, I get such second hand embarrassment idk why. These things are not for me as a fan. I still haven't seen DT/MS skit from the previous Bafta even, nor any of DT's other hosting gigs. Talk show appearances I can watch only after I read what happened and what was said from multiple people and know for sure there was nothing embarrassing. Lol. For some reason I have no problem with convention panels or long form interviews, I quite enjoy them if the host is not insufferable (like that dude in Germany TWICE with DT, can't rewatch those panels).
What I'm aiming at is, have you seen this year's DT Bafta gig and how was it for real? I can't imagine ever watching any of it, even the opening bit, but I'd like to understand how it was. I keep seeing different takes, and it's not always clear if negative ones are fueled by politics and positive ones by fandom (and also politics). Your tastes and stances seem better matched with my idiosyncrasies, so I'd like to hear your opinion. I will probably never watch, or like in 20 years, but I want to have a clearer picture for my inner piece of mind, lol.
we are hilariously enough, in the same boat enough that i can't actually answer this ask very well. DHFKJHDKFHDJWKF. anyway
i thought both last year's and this year's opening sketches were funny. however they are the only parts of the show i can really watch because david is acting rather than presenting. anything else i know abt it is purely from posts i come across rather than me going out of my way to watch it
despite drawing him hitting the defying gravity riff (which i have listened to) (he sounded good!) (cynthia erivo approved) i have not worked up the courage to listen to his full dad karaoke rendition of 500 miles in front of a bunch of trained singers. this is not his fault this is entirely on me i used to act in musicals as a kid but i know i have a naturally monotone voice and a terrible singing voice now so this is like something so specifically crafted to activate my secondhand embarrassment. you kind of have to put a gun to my head to make me watch smth like this even though i know it's probably not that bad. god bless
the bbc cut out 2/3 of his jokes being mean to trump. they only left in the one making fun of his hair they cut out the one calling him a villain and the one comparing him to beetlejuice. if that wasn't another depressing indicator of the state of politics rn
there was a joke abt timothee chalamet being the 2nd placer at the timothee chalamet lookalike contest which i thought was funni
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29121996 · 4 months ago
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im gonna say something (admit) and no one can Say a Fucking Word Alright.
#the fact that my room was alreasy hard ti skeep in . bc trauma n relationships or wtv i called it#and like ive struggled to keep anything fucking clean im gonna be socreal. its so fucking difficult.#but idk i . theres a small part of me that diesnt wanna clean it bc even tho . ive Wiped the areas#down and like sprayed thw carpet#theres fucking . traces of my cat still all over thst room (inckuding unfortunately piss)#and i sont . idk i know its gross but a part if me is hesitant to ckean my room bx like .#idk . she cant steo in there ans markcher territory or make it Her Soace anymore.#like shes been dead for months and im still finding cat furr everywhere bc i just dint wanna ckean anyrhing i know#shes been#apart fromclike . xlothes and stuff .#for the record i dont actually step foot in my roon n my dokr stays Closed. so i dont axrually .#yea im not vathing in my cats fucking piss or anything. she pissed in there and i hakf assed cleaned it.#i also thibk she pissed in a box and im furious abt that STILL . vitch lwmme play soccer w ur ghost#anyway. i miss her a kot and i thibk im edging sone of thst grief still.#or i acceoted it . idm i nust. it feels Weird . her death still feels weird n how ive jandled ir feels weird#coupled w feelinf her spirit (i think she leaned against my leg one night bc i felt smth heavy n warm#prssed against my calf n i got this vibrsnt image of this white n grey cat rubbinf against a persons leg#it was cartoonish bc my team cannot Not be fucking Funny. but i fwlt like it was her :(#hhhhhh. this year has been so hard . n ik this doesnt Antirely Change Shit#but theres a new moon 30th dec n then some other planetary xhanges thatll make it soon feelclike a new ywar#i genuinely cosnider the switch to sries season the new ywar n then again Birth days bc .#yea i rhink the sun n moon SHOULS be our calendar years but i digress .#hmmm aircon n lights keep doing this weird thibg#HEY id rlly like to know why tberes suddebky so much fuckery w elextricity incmy city#like . Dawg why is there socmany power outages. or better yet: why am j Present fkr so many of tgem / why do i Know ppl#going through them.
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alittleemo · 7 months ago
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man they rlly said we are going to make your grocery store experience so miserable and hangry bc the rest of your day will be so overwhelmingly good we need to balance it out brother. and wow it rlly was great what a 180
#lee’s bullshit#art was great pre grocery store too my prints turned out rlly good and I started on my next project#then in studio I had three separate incredibly kind interactions regarding my project#first where a guy referenced a project I did FRESHMAN YEAR that I didn’t even remember to back me up I was so honored#genuinely like wow so so cool to hear that project stuck w him like that . what an angel#the second was when everyone in the group was arguing over a different local building during my presentation#a guy in the front turned to me and started quietly asking me questions about my design and giving advice on what I should do next#which was also so appreciated bc everyone had been talking over me and he had good points too#then third once I was done and filling up my water my old friend passed me on the stairs#and said come see me I have a building you need to see for your project#which was also a) so cool that he’d think of smth for me and b) v sweet since we haven’t been close since first semester#and he showed me a building w rlly cool unique comments on how I could apply parts of it which I rlly appreciated#then we talked abt radio too bc I had been thinking abt asking him and this opened that door !! so so great#this semester has been so much better in terms of making friends and talking to people thank fucking god#and then in my history class I knew two obscure answers (random building and doctor who (thank u smith)) which was great#and my class crush is back in that class which is also great 👍#overall big improvement to my day thank you everyone :]#if you read this far I love and miss you all <3 take care#ALSO found out our friend who came from scotland to work in my town this summer is going to come back next year thank god !!!!!#another huge win for the me community in so happy <33
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cuz-reasons · 1 year ago
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Why must class be at the excat same time as pokemon presents I wanna watch it
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from-izzy · 2 months ago
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[00:35] | ATEEZ CHOI SAN
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“And if I do?”
pairing » ateez choi san x fem!reader
trope/au » established relationship au, non-idol au
genre » very fluffy, falling asleep during studying and boyfriend san who is worried for you because you don't take the greatest care of yourself, (it really was supposed to be fluff all through the end) turns suggestive towards the last quarter of the story, reader is a bit playful, san is very in love with you, of course you are super in love with him too
word count; estimated reading time » 1032; ~4 mins
warnings (lmk if i missed anything!) » quite suggestive at the end, indeed...a suggestive sentence at the very end, san lifts the reader up, reader wears glasses, reader implied to be smaller than san, san restrains reader's hands, pet names (bubs, baby girl)
navi/masterlist!! 🤍 ateez masterlist 🤍 the boyz lee juyeon ver.
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my ateez debut! here it is @jaehunnyy !! i really wanted to post smth for your bday so please take this as a late bday present 😭 thanks for proofreading a bit of this one and finding the pictures for the banners 🥰 you saved me a bunch of tears fr 😀 have fun with the second one (even though it's the same...😭)
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It’s not an unusual occurrence for you to be staying up late at night and for San to find you draped over your books and worksheets when he gets home. In fact, it’s becoming such a usual occurrence that San is making it a habit to open the front door with such gentleness that the click of the door opening would be too loud for his liking. In reality, your study desk at your shared apartment is quite a distance from the entrance of the apartment, so if San wanted to, he could enter in the same way as if you were awake.
But he didn’t want to.
In the rare case that you decide to snooze off on the couch, he doesn’t want to be the one to ruin your precious, peaceful sleeping time. Unfortunately for him, he would still be needing to do it one way or another if he ever finds you asleep on the couch or anywhere but your shared bed. The victorious smile from closing the front door quietly soon turns upside down, frowning at the sight of your head lying on your stack of handouts in the study room. The stack acted as your pillow, your arms around the rectangular pile. You look like you have been resting your body for some time now, given that San’s soft head pat didn’t faze you at all. With a slightly heavy sigh, San makes his way to the other side of the desk to get a better look at your face. He kneels on the floor, content with being more at eye level with you. 
He’s surprised to see that you must’ve been so exhausted that taking your glasses off might have been too much effort for you. The side frame completely rests on the paper, the nose pad of the glasses no longer resting properly on your nose. San hisses at how the hard plastic pushes against your nose, already imagining the pain when you wake up and realise tomorrow.
“Bubs,” he tests your consciousness with a whisper. “Your whole body is going to hurt when you wake up, you know?” Your breathing is still as even as before, and the no response from you deepens his frown. “I’m sorry, but I’m going to move you, okay?” 
San rises to his feet once again, grabbing the blanket drapped on your study desk that he has prepared. He’s told you multiple times to at least cover your body if you don’t plan to take a nap on the bed, but he should have known that when tiredness kicks in, all a person wants to do is to close their eyes. San spreads the light cotton across your back, kissing the side of your head and humming sweet melodies to avoid surprising you too much with his movement.
“San?” You slur sleepily, still unable to fully wake up. San clicks your desk light off and soon sees your content smile at his little gesture. “When did you get home?”
“Just a few seconds ago. When did you fall asleep?”
“Just a few minutes ago.” A raised eyebrow from your boyfriend is what prompts you to tell him the truth. “A little longer than that.”
San tuts disapprovingly, “You can’t keep slouching off on the table. It’s not good for your body. And this,” he takes your glasses off by the hinges, “it’s not comfortable for you.”
You hum at his loving lecture for you, beginning to straighten your back from the long nap. Truthfully, if San weren’t beside you right now, you would be sending complaints to your past self for dozing off at the table, your back cramping and sore. But Choi San knows you too well, and the creases between your eyebrows tell him everything.
“See?” He reprimands. 
You’re not given another chance to rebut when he swivels the chair around for you to face him. In a second, you’re in his arms, the back of your knee and back supported securely with his arms, and your shoulder pressed against his chest. San looks down at you, pressing a quick kiss on your forehead that you respond to by pressing yours along his jawline. Along the short walk to the adjacent room, you plant kisses all over his face, giggling at the way his cheeks grow red with every second. 
Just a few seconds before San would rest you gently on the mattress, you steal a kiss from his plump lips, arms wrapped around his nape and threading your fingers into the strands of his hair. San almost stumbles but soon regains balance when he registers the way you delicately take his lips. Along with the giggles and fabric rustling against each other in the small room, it’s not long until your head properly lays on a pillow. San doesn’t let you breathe after, climbing on top of your figure with his palms beside your head to support himself. His knees sink to the mattress beside your thighs, and you’re left breathless with the man before you. The remnants of his cologne are clearer now, and the proximity leaves you curling up a side of your lips.
Your boyfriend knows the meaning of your expression well from experience. “Don’t rile me up, baby girl…”
Just like he did a second ago, your eyebrow rises. Your pointer traces along the center of his exposed neck, feeling the gulp and his intense stare on you. You glide across his skin, tracing along his collarbones slowly, making sure that your touch lingers on his skin. When your finger slides down to the neckline of his fabric, it curls around his shirt to pull his tense expression closer to you. A quick touch of your lips is all you spare him before regaining eye contact with him.
“And if I do?”
Those words are enough for San to lose control, pulling the sheets to his palms as he fists them tightly. One hand leaves the bed, restraining both your wrists under his hold above your head. He dives closer to the crook of your neck, ragged breathing and warm breath against your skin.
“I’ll make sure you’ll sleep peacefully for days.”
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navi/masterlist!! 🤍 ateez masterlist 🤍 the boyz lee juyeon ver.
tags: @k-films @kflixnet @starlit-network @kstrucknet @blossomnet
@haneul-and-clouds @jaehunnyy @mars101
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