#smoke weed and drink caffeine all day

[emotionalsupportvape]

no offense but ummm my fave things in life are drugs and alcohol and yummy lil treats

every. single. day.

thx for understanding

[bat3s]

I don't know if you have limits and if you don't want to do these it's completely fine, just wanted to ask if you could do a s/o with multiple additions like coffe/energy drink, cigarettes/weed and self harm, cutting/burning. I have these additions and I was curious how they would react. You can choose the killers

TW:s/h

Slashers x gn s/o with addictions (Michael Myers, Billy Loomis, Norman Bates, Jason Voorhees, Brahms Heelshire, Thomas Hewitt)

Sorry this took so long! I hope you enjoy!!

Michael Myers

He’s already aware of your addictions since he basically stalks you

He’s familiar with not only substance based addictions but also self harm because he had seen other patients at Smith’s grove who struggled with addictions

His immediate reaction is to clear the house of anything you could really hurt yourself with

He knows he can’t just make you stop, he understands that it’s much more complicated than that

If you talk to him about it, maybe asking for comfort when you get urges he’ll begrudgingly agree to help

He knows this is important, he knows you’re important to him so he wants to make sure you’re okay

Whenever you get the urge to smoke/cut/burn etc. he’ll walk up behind you and press himself against you to try and distract you

Not exactly hugging but it’s the thought that counts

Billy Loomis

The first thing he noticed was the smoking/energy drinks

They were pretty apparent because those were things you did in front of him, he noticed how often you seemed to do it and how you seemed dependent on these things to get you through the day

He notices the self harm a bit later

Might sneak into your room when you’re asleep and noticed the cuts/burns on your arm where your clothes had been brushed up in bed

He kind of gets mad, not really though, he’s upset and frustrated but he doesn’t know how to express that

Wakes you up right away and asks you about it

Gets really pushy up until you start crying/shout back at him

After that he backs off a bit and tries to figure things out

He wants to help you he just has no idea how

What he ends up doing is basically just trying to distract you, if he noticed that you seemed bothered he would drag you onto the couch to watch some movies (your choice!) 

Reacts fairly poor in the case of a relapse

He’ll back off for a bit just so he doesn’t do anything particularly upsetting

Tries to help by distracting you mostly

He'll try to take you out more, you'd normally stay in with him since that's his preference but he'll do whatever he can to help you work through things

He does still do regular movie nights though, if not more frequently

Lets you pick the movies :0

Norman Bates

He discourages your use of caffeine

considering the time, smoking is a fairly common habit

Though he does notice that you're smoking a lot

He tries to gently encourage you to be healthier

He'll encourage you to sleep earlier and more often to dissuade your caffeine use

He'll also try to let you relax more, he thinks that removing stress might help you cut back on smoking

He notices the self-harm slowly

He sees all the little things

You going to the bathroom for long periods of time and not running the shower

You wearing long sleeves/pants in hot weather

The amount of first aid supplies being used

How you'd flinch when he touched or brushed certain parts of your body

He tried to deny it for a while, he didn't want to believe you'd hurt yourself

He decides to ask you about it one day though

He can't stand the though of you hurting while he stands by and does nothing

He's very delicate with how he phrases his question, but he asks if he can see your arms/legs

If you oblige he very carefully rolls up the clothing and gently cradles the area

He's silent for a moment before he speaks

He asks if he did something/has neglected something which prompted you to do this

Encourages you to seek him out when you feel the urge to self harm

Very patient and a great listener as you tell him about your struggles and how you've been feeling

He encourages you to form healthier replacement habits like gardening/baking/art

Will drop everything to comfort you

Will abandon conversations with customers to make you feel better

Will always be willing to help you clean any injuries

He's very teary eyed the whole time but he remains calm and reassuring the whole time

Whenever he gets the chance he'll hold your hands in his and press your foreheads together and he'll just whisper how much he loves you and how proud he is of you

Jason Voorhees

Jason does not really tolerate any smoking/drinking

So I won't be writing about that

He doesn't notice any of the signs of s/h

He has never really seen or heard of anyone doing that sort of thing before so it doesn't even occur to him

He finds out on a really hot day

You're clearly suffering in the heat but insist on wearing long sleeves/pants

He doesn't want you passing out from the heat so he tries to get you to change clothes or at the very least roll up your sleeves/pants

He gets fed up and just does it for you (he's to strong so there's really nothing you can do to stop him)

When he sees the marks he just freezes

He assumes someone else is hurting you and that you were hiding it

Panics and carries you indoors to give you first aid

As you explain to him that you were hurting yourself on purpose he just looks confused

He hugs you and holds you really close (still broiling hot but he's upset okay)

Won't really leave you alone after this

Always checking you for injuries

Won't let you near anything potentially dangerous

If you express that you want to harm yourself he'll take you out on a walk to try and distract you

Brahms Heelshire

Brahms doesn't like it when you go outside for smoke breaks often

So your only options are to smoke inside/out a window or to quit altogether

Brahms will insist on the latter

He doesn't like the smell or taste and will throw a fit when you smell like tobacco

He will throw a fit about the caffeine as well

He thinks energy drinks and coffee are disgusting and doesn't want them in the house

Even the smell of coffee will upset him

If he finds any he'll steal it and throw it out

He's in the walls so you're not really sure where he can see/go so there's no where private to go

He'll witness you harming well before he reveals himself

(Before revealing himself) He'll take away any blades/lighters so you can't use them

(After revealing himself) He won't throw fits about you harming

But he does get very sad

He doesn't like the idea of you hurting yourself but he's even more upset that he can't help you

He'll hold you very close to him and whisper little praises and reassurances when you tell him you're having the urge to hurt yourself

Thomas Hewitt

It's quite unlikely that the Hewitts have easy access to coffee let alone energy drinks

And it's unlikely they'd let you leave often enough to get large amounts of them, that's assuming you can even afford that given your new situation

So you're forced to quit cold turkey

If you explain it to Thomas, he's very sympathetic and tries his best to sooth your withdrawal symptoms

When it comes to self harm, Thomas has personal experience in that area

He notices you wearing long clothes in hot Texas weather and catches on pretty quickly

He knocks on the door to the bathroom one day when you're in the middle of harming and asks if he can come in

If you panic and insist you're fine he'll calmly assure you that he already knows and he just wants to help

You let him in and he very slowly steps in and slowly reaches towards the area, looking down at you to make sure you're okay with him checking

He'll clean your wounds in silence and then will take you into your bedroom and just hold you in his lap

He's silent but he's gently rubbing his hands over any unmarked areas to sooth you

He'll listen very closely if you want to talk

He tells you that while he'd like you to stop, he understands it's not that easy and that he just wants you to be safe

He wants you to come to him when you feel any urges

Or after you've already harmed, that way he can disinfect it and comfort you

He won't tell anyone else, he's sure they'd react poorly (even if Luda May cared, she wouldn't really understand)

He tends to be very shy about his own scars and is apprehensive to let you touch or even see them

But now he lets you in hopes that you won't feel alone

He's not good with words, so he hopes this shows you how much he cares and that he understands how you're feeling

(If you let him) He will gently pet the areas around the injuries

He'll trace the scars and press gentle kisses on them

I'm so soft for him

[lastoneout]

So my neurologist actually did something right for once and gave me some ambien to help me sleep while I'm on the steroid pack since I already have insomnia and steroids make it WAY worse, and I was really excited because this is legit what I've been wanting a doctor to do for like over a year now...but it didn't really help me sleep, at least not as well as the weed does.

I could possibly just need a higher dose(I am known to be very resistant to these sorts of meds, it takes like twice the normal dose of propofol to put me under) or maybe the steroid is just so powerful the meds can't make a dent in it(which I'd believe since I'm really sensitive to steroids and the weed ALSO doesn't help me sleep as well when I'm on them), and also it's really hot and humid right now which makes it hard to sleep in general AND I just got my bc implant put in which is making it hard to sleep since I have to be careful with my left arm and I like NEED to be able to switch what side I sleep on cuz my shitty arthritic joints don't like staying in one position for too long...but this is a bit of a let down ngl. I was really excited to be able to sleep and then maybe use this as proof that I can be trusted with sleep medication and I could finally stop having to spend damn near $100 on weed gummies every month and a half just to Sleep At All but like...hnnnn.....

Idk, when I see my primary I'm going to beg her to send me to a sleep specialist again bcs the weed is NOT sustainable it's already expensive and on top of that I am absolutely building up a tolerance which means I have to take more to sleep and thus spend more money and it's so fucking annoying. I've already made a lot of progress in the trauma department too and that hasn't really helped me sleep better which leads me to believe this is def a result of one of my other medical issues, I def think a sleep specialist is the best bet rn.

The plus side tho is she gave me 15 ambien and I only have three days of the steroids left, and my arm should be healed better in the next couple of days, so I should have a chance to test the ambien without the dual whammy of the arm pain and steroids wrecking my system, and if even that fails well that's a 15 day T break for the weed which honestly I really do need so like there's that.

Also since I have a bunch of new followers quick FAQ/rundown before anyone gives advice:

I have bipolar disorder type II and adhd and severe chronic pain from fibromyalgia, arthritis, and hEDS. The adderall for my adhd isn't the problem, I actually sleep WAY worse without it. I don't drink that many caffeinated beverages and I especially don't drink them basically at all when I'm on steroids so that's not it either. At least a little of my insomnia is due to trauma and not having a dog currently, but I can't adopt another one right now for numerous reasons, and EMDR has helped the trauma nightmares/anxiety let up quite a lot but that hasn't helped me sleep. I can't take CBD it makes my brain feel like I'm hooked up to a car battery. I also can't smoke bcs asthma so unfortunately I am stuck buying edibles which are very expensive. Insomnia isn't on the medical marijuana criteria in my state so I can't even make it cheaper that way. Melatonin does nothing. Benadryl also does nothing. Exercising before bed also does nothing. I can't do yoga(hEDS) or meditate(adhd). Cutting down on screen time before bed doesn't help and I already spend as little time in my bedroom as possible during the day so my brain keeps associating being in there with sleeping. Listening to music/a podcast doesn't help. Sleepy teas and nice baths and all that before bed doesn't help. I have a weighted blanket which does help a little, but sucks bcs it traps heat like a motherfucker, but I'd sleep worse without it so yeah. Also I can't make my house any cooler/less humid because I'm renting and it's old and shitty and doesn't have real air conditioning and the little portable ac unit + dehumidifier is trying but like...it's not enough I'm still hot and sweaty all night.

I am on hydroxyzine and nortryptraline and they don't make me even a little tired. I cannot take SSRIs or SNRIs on account of the bipolar and the fact that I'm just really sensitive to stuff that messes with my serotonin, even when I'm on a mood stabilizer, and the only med that I can stand that does serotonin stuff is the nortryptraline and it's also the only thing that helps my pain so switching it to something else isn't an option. I build up a resistance to seroquel really fast which makes my insomnia infinitely worse in the long run so I don't see the point in taking it. I have tried basically everything my psychiatrist can think to give me outside of narcotics, which led to her straight up telling me to my face she just can't help me before clarifying that apparently narcotics are somehow worse for me than not sleeping so she won't prescribe them even if they might help. I don't snore or wake up gasping for air so I know I don't have COPD or sleep apnea.

Literally the only thing that has ever made sleeping easy is weed(and opioids but those don't help my pain and have so many hoops to jump through so I don't wanna take them anymore), specifically indica with CBN, but it has to have THC in it I've tried pure CBN + CBD gummies and they don't make me tired they just make me feel weird 'cuz of the CBD.

So yeah. I am up shit creek without a paddle and I really quite desperately need to see a sleep specialist. I appreciate advice but like believe me, I've tried just about everything I can think of and none of it helps. I just naturally have really bad insomnia. And it sucks.

[delightfulwombatyouth]

3:00 AM Cant sleep since 1:50, been tossing and turning since 11.

Even one drink now seems enough to completely mess up my sleep cycle, or could also be due to the massive stress I'm under a work and at home and the alcohol dehydration.

Recently been reading the EasyWay to Quit X books again for sugar/tech but probably should for alcohol too.

Realizing all my addictions - sugar, tech(social media, streaming, porn if I'm being completely honest), alcohol, caffeine, all function the same way. Though some have more social acceptability than others it all breaks down like

1. I have a problem in my life (work stress like a deadline, personal stress like an unexpected $1000 bill)

2. I think using something will help me feel better even if I know it's just temporarily.

3. I use the thing, and maybe I do for a moment feel ok.*

4. The high of whatever I've done has worn off, my problem persists, and now I feel worse off due to the after effects of using which can be physical or just a loss of respect for myself for coping poorly again.

* and the feeling of may just be the relieving of withdrawals from the last time I used depending on how frequently I am doing it. Or just comfort from doing something that has become habit.

At this point in my life drinking, especially like a random post work drink, doesn't make me feel good, it makes me wonder why I'm doing this. At special occasions like a wedding/birthday it feels different but the drinking for nothing other than stress relief after a hard day seems to do more harm than good at this point especially if I can't sleep. Same with sugar. Same with doom scrolling. Same with smoking weed when I did it.

Thankful I have been able to remain off the weed at least. I think in certain ways I've grown more these past 9 months sans smoking than I did the past 10 years. It stunted me emotionally terribly so and now I feel as though so are these remaining items stunting me in some way too.

My plan going forward for today at least:

I am out of unhealthy leftovers. I'll buy a salad for lunch and leftover steak/vegetables for dinner. No sugar.

I'll limit myself to one coffee this morning.

Try to read more. Try to stay off screens when I get home. Really just anything but screens, I stare at them all day already for a job.

I have a bottle of good whisky. I have some friends coming in from out of state this weekend. I will share with them and dump whatever is not finished.

I liked myself so much better and felt so much better, more energy, focus, better sleep, when I quit drinking too during Lent / post Easter to mother's day, and staying keto. I want to get back to there.

[bonni]

I was tagged by @thesentdowngirl ❤️

favorite color: I'm one of those "I like all the colors" bitches these days but pink will always be #1 (light blue is a close second rn)

last song I listened to:

currently reading: the monster baru cormorant, the birth of tragedy, surviving romance (webtoon/reread), and shadows house (manga/reread)

currently watching: the sopranos ofc! I'd like to start iwtv too soon, and I've been watching naoki urasawa's monster and person of interest with a friend

coffee or tea: tea, I rarely enjoy the taste of coffee. my go-to morning drink is black iced tea, or an iced matcha latte if I need the caffeine

currently craving: weed ngl, I'm going to go smoke on the porch after I post this

I'll tag @ergativeabsolutive @mahoufriend @kdreader02 @baruhead77 @alethiometer @fujoshiwarrior @mousepal @trashcandroid @kaleidoscore @snugstones ofc feel free to ignore

[painted-bees]

Ocean spray mdma makes me want to know more about the kind of drugs the cortes trio have tried. Are there any they like in particular?

Lmao okee w-well. Firstly, they are musicians living off the coast of B.C, so...yanno...weed. Both Magritte and Raf, at least lmao but not Cortes. Cortes's first experience with pot was drinking bong water and she has decided from that experience alone that she's not a fan.

For Magritte, pot and alcohol are about all she's dared to partake in. She's worried that she's prone to addictions and that has kept her away from almost everything else. WAIT-caffeine is her #1 vice. Caffeine in fucking everything. She'd probably get headaches if she ever went a day without--but she wouldn't know because she -doesn't- go a day without. One of these days, someone is gonna introduce Margie to Adderall and it's gonna make Raf uncomfy but it'll change her whole life lmaaooo of only because it might FINALLY convince her to seek out an ADHD diagnosis 😭 girl...

If Raf was much less responsible than he is, he'd probably smoke weed as much as Magritte drinks coffee, but alas--he has shit to keep together. However, that sense of responsibility is kinda what brought him into a bit of an amphetamine problem during his time in university. Too much shit to keep together, not enough time, energy, know-how, an enormous amount of overwhelm and his entire sense of identity and wellbeing on the line...amphetamines helped with that. Sorta....and then they didn't. He stopped some time after graduating, prolly around the same time he just decided to try giving up on the whole music thing. He was compelled to come back to music before too long, but not to the stimulants, hah. He's probably tried some other things, acid, mdma, mushrooms--didn't really identify with any of 'em, didn't hate them, but hasn't felt terribley compelled to try them again. Juuust before Magritte rooted herself as a permanent fixture in his life, he was probably starting to fall into a bit of a habit with sleeping pills, but not anymore.

As for Cortes...you know...all I can think of is

[cosmicanamnesis]

he tastes like chocolate pt. 7

[part 1] [part 6] [part 8] [read on ao3]

December 31st, morning

It didn’t matter when Steve fell asleep, he couldn’t sleep past six in the morning. Usually he was up by five, really, six was sleeping in according to his circadian rhythm. 

He woke up in an unfamiliar place and started to panic before his brain caught up to the rest of him. 

It wasn’t entirely unfamiliar. His phone was on the nightstand and he was wearing his own clothes, but through bleary eyes he could barely see his surroundings, not to mention he wasn’t wearing glasses. Not that he ever really wore his glasses. They looked stupid and Robin always teased him about them so he made do without them when he wasn’t at home. This practice, unfortunately, didn’t help him figure out where the hell he was. As he tried to steady his breathing, the smell of the room hit him and he remembered.

Oh.

Oh yeah.

He’d stayed the night at Eddie’s house. He slept in Eddie’s bed. He grabbed a fistful of bedsheet and brought it to his face, trying to ground himself with something. The sheets smelled like weed smoke and nicotine and someone else’s sweat and all Steve could think was that he hoped his shirt had absorbed some of it. Was that weird? It felt weird.

He rubbed his eyes and grabbed his phone, dismissing the notifications he didn’t care about, finally landing on the ones he did.

Robs

ugh remind me to never let dates stay over if im covering ur shift

how do u do this every day

its so early im fucking dying over here

wake upppppp cmon steve i know u dont sleep in

unless ;)

Hey, you dug your own grave. Lie in it. Also, good morning.

i hate u

so how did last night go ???

Fine. We didn't really do anything, just ran some errands for his uncle. And he slept on the couch, let me sleep in his bed.

what a gentleman

Right? I am in way too deep, Robs.

could be deeper

What?

;)

I’m moving back in with my parents.

nuhuh

No, you’re right. I could never.

Robin didn’t respond right away, which meant the morning rush had started, and he wouldn’t hear from her for another two or three hours. He scrolled through social media for a while, letting himself enjoy the quiet morning for as long as he could let himself relax before needing to find something to do. 

Finally he got up, changed back into his regular clothes and gathered his stuff. He made Eddie's bed out of habit more than anything and left his stuff in a pile on top of the blankets before heading to the kitchen in search of breakfast and something caffeinated.

Eddie was still asleep when Steve came into the kitchen. He could see him stretched out on the couch, one arm up over his head, one leg dangling off the side, snoring away like he'd never slept better. Weirdo. 

Quietly, Steve began rummaging around in the kitchen until he found something. He thought he'd seen it last night as they were putting groceries away, and sure as shit, there it was. A tiny countertop espresso maker, covered in dust and hidden on top of the fridge behind several bags of cereal. It didn't look like it had ever been used. He set to work wiping it down before crossing his fingers and hunting through cabinets for… Perfect. They had an unopened tin of Bustelo hiding on the top shelf of a cabinet that also had pancake mix in it, so double score.

He was startled by the door opening, cold air blowing in behind Wayne as he shrugged off his coat.

"Morning," Steve said quietly, announcing his presence. Wayne nodded at him and then looked over at Eddie on the couch, unmoving like nothing had happened.

"You know how to work that thing?" Wayne asked, pointing to the espresso machine. Steve almost laughed.

"Did Eddie not tell you what I do for a living? I work at the coffee shop down the block from his apprenticeship."

"Ah," Wayne nodded. "Won it at a work thing one time. I don't know how to set it up, and the boy doesn't drink coffee, so. Figured I'd get rid of it one day, just never got around to it."

"I'm glad you didn't. Thought I was gonna have to go bug my roommate at work to make me coffee on my way home," Steve said, breaking into the long-ignored coffee tin. He’d probably go bug Robin anyway, since he had a whole day to kill. "Here, grab a mug, I can show you how to work it."

It wasn't an especially complicated machine, nothing like they had at work, but it got the job done. Wayne followed along, seeming to mentally take notes as Steve showed him what all the parts were and how to use it, even taught him how to make hot chocolate with it for Eddie, and how to clean everything after. Somehow, through all of their talking and noise, Eddie still didn't wake up. Steve sipped his coffee, leaning against the counter as he watched Wayne bring Eddie the hot chocolate.

Wayne set the mug on the coffee table, next to the pile of Eddie's rings, and patted Eddie gently on the arm. He grumbled something Steve couldn't hear and swatted Wayne's hand away.

"Eddie, you gotta get up," Wayne said, nudging Eddie a little more forcefully. More unintelligible mumbling. Steve smiled as he watched. "You gotta take Steve home, son."

That woke Eddie up. God he hated being up early. There was barely even sunlight filtering in through the blinds, and Wayne was trying to get him up now? Eddie was prepared to fight him about it a little longer until he said the magic word - Steve - and Eddie's sleep-addled brain finally figured out what was happening. He sat up in a panic, feeling his hair hold its wild bedhead shape as he made eye contact with Steve, who was smiling at him from the kitchen. 

"Morning," he said softly. "Made you hot chocolate." He glanced at the mug on the table and Eddie followed suit, reaching over for it as Wayne sat down and turned the TV on.

"Thanks," Eddie took a sip and smiled back up at Steve. It tasted like the ones Steve made him at work, fancy and creamy and a far cry from the powdered cocoa mix he usually made do with. Steve turned to put something away in the fridge, finally giving Eddie a clear line of sight to the espresso machine on the counter. Mystery solved.

“Breakfast?” Steve said, holding up the half empty pancake mix. Eddie blinked, surprised, and set the hot chocolate back on the table.

“Steve, you don’t have to cook for me, I’m an adult,” Eddie said, slipping his rings back on. He saw Steve shrug out of the corner of his eye and start hunting around in the kitchen.

“You bought me dinner, I’ll make you breakfast. ‘S only fair.”

Eddie looked over at Wayne, who barely glanced away from the morning news. The silent conversation they had went something like,

Can you believe this guy? Making me breakfast in my own house?

You sure know how to pick ‘em.

Wayne, make him stop.

The kid made me coffee, Ed, he can do whatever the hell he wants.

You’re unbelievable.

Eddie rolled his eyes and grabbed his mug, heaving himself off of the couch while Wayne stayed put in his recliner, looking entirely too smug, the bastard. He stretched as he stood and joined Steve in the kitchen, rubbing the leftover sleep out of his eyes.

“Ehh, fuck off,” Steve said, waving a spatula in Eddie’s general direction. 

“Relax, Stevie, I’m not gonna take over,” Eddie said, leaning back against the fridge. “Just… supervising.”

“Yeah, ah huh. Sure.” Steve turned away and grabbed a pan out of the dishrack, spinning it in his hand with a flourish before setting it on the stove.

“Huh… Where’d you learn to do that?” Eddie asked, sipping his drink.

“Do what?”

“The… flippy thing,” Eddie said, which was almost even vaguer coupled with a spinny sort of hand motion.

“Oh!” Steve started laughing, and demonstrated again with the spatula before turning his attention back to the pan, swirling a glob of butter around until it melted. “Dunno. I’ve just always done it. Drives Robin nuts. Started doing it when we worked at- Y’know that summer job I was talking about? Ice cream parlor.”

“That’s still a thing? Ice cream slinger is still a job you can have?”

“Apparently. Anyway, used to do it with the ice cream scoops all the time. She hated it, thought I was gonna throw ‘em at her on accident.”

“Did you?”

“Not on accident,” Steve chuckled.

They chatted in the kitchen for a while as Steve made breakfast for the three of them. All three of them. He made coffee and pancakes for Wayne. Because of course he did. Because of course this very pretty, very funny, exceedingly kind man would teach his uncle to use the espresso machine that he hadn’t touched since he got it and then make him fucking pancakes. Eddie was pretty sure that if he didn’t lock Steve down and soon, Wayne was gonna try.

Eddie and Steve returned to the living room with breakfast and made small talk with Wayne while they ate, all very "So Steve, where are you from," and such, getting to know each other. As Steve and Wayne, who was being uncharacteristically talkative that morning, fell into a conversation about baseball that Eddie could only kind of follow, he decided to see if the Hellfire group chat had any updates for him.

Microwave: so when is everyone getting here?

Garebear: That’s kinda up to Eddie since we need the van.

Dustpan: so any time between 2 and 6:30 is what I’m hearing

JIF: Yeah pretty much

Leia: max is gonna be here at noon to help set up. erica will be here whenever she wants to be.

Dustpan: naturally

Dustpan: mike, will, any word from el?

Dustpan: wait was that her that just came in?

Dustpan: jesus yes it was, she just scared the shit out of me in the kitchen

Dustpan: never mind I guess

good god how do you all function this early

Garebear: Why the hell are you awake?

gotta run a couple errands

i have a cute boy to impress

Leia: knock em dead, tiger

anyway gare ill come drop the van off at yours once im done and ill be back for the party at… whatd we say 7 right?

Garebear: Earlier if you can be, I’d like to not have to sound check without you

JIF: Again

Garebear: Again

Garebear: Hey I was gonna say that

JIF: Sucks to suck

Eddie rolled his eyes and sighed, shoving his phone into his pocket so he wouldn’t have to watch everybody talk over each other. There was a reason he always kept his phone on silent. If he had to hear his stupid messages go off every thirty seconds, he would probably lose it. Gareth understood, but insisted that he be in the group chat anyway so he would, quote, know what was going on and not have to make Gareth be his personal messenger, Jesus Christ Eddie could you join the 21st century please.

No, no he could not.

"Alright, if you two nerds are done… bonding, or whatever," Eddie said, tapping Steve's shoulder and making a grabby hand gesture to take his empty plate. "I got shit to do, so we should probably get you home, yeah?" He collected Wayne's plate as well and headed back to the kitchen without waiting for a response. 

"Uh, alright," Steve said, brain struggling to change gears as he was jerked from his conversation. "Well, guess I'll be around," he nodded to Wayne as he stood up to follow Eddie to the bedroom so he could grab his stuff. Or, he tried to follow Eddie into the bedroom.

Eddie had caught himself, stuck still in the doorway when Steve all but ran into him, jolting him back to reality.

“Sorry, didn’t realize you stopped,” Steve laughed, sneaking in past Eddie as he stayed firmly caught on the doorframe, gaping at nothing. Steve tucked his small wad of belongings under his arm and turned back to leave the room, but Eddie still hadn’t moved.

“Hey, man, you good?” he asked, waving his free hand in front of Eddie’s face.

“Uh, yeah,” Eddie blinked hard and nodded, coming back down from… wherever he was in his head. “Sorry, I, um… sorry.”

Eddie slid past Steve into the room to pull his boots back on, sitting softly on the very edge of the bed like he was trying not to mess the blankets up, even though Steve had barely done more than shake them out to lie flat across the mattress.

Once Steve was gone and Eddie could hear him chatting with Wayne in the living room again, he took a moment to pull himself together, running his hands over the smooth bedsheets. No one else had ever made his bed for him, except for Wayne the day he had moved in. Shit, Eddie never even made his bed himself, either. But here was Steve, pretty kind funny and apparently a bit of a neat freak, and he had made Eddie’s bed.

He wasn’t sure how he felt about it, but he couldn’t let the question linger much longer than realizing he didn’t know how he felt, because he knew if he let Steve and Wayne talk any more, he’d never get Steve out of the house. Not that it was a bad thing, just… inopportune. He had other moves to make first, and unfortunately it meant Steve had to go home. For now, at least.

He shook his head again, trying to clear his brain like an old etch-a-sketch so he could focus on the task at hand, and forced himself up. He didn’t bother tying his boots; they were on his feet and that was all he needed, so he grabbed his coat and ventured back out.

“Ready?” he asked, knocking his shoulder against Steve’s as he came up behind him.

“Yeah,” Steve smiled. “Thanks, again, for letting me stay,” he said, looking between Eddie and Wayne as Eddie started pulling him out the door. Wayne nodded to Steve before he was completely dragged outside.

"So," Steve said as he and Eddie situated themselves in the van. "I know you said no dress code, but like… What should I wear, actually?"

Eddie smiled, looking behind him as he pulled away from the trailer.

"I dunno… Do you own anything other than polo shirts?"

"Yeah! This is just what I wear to work, dude, I don't dress like this all the time." 

It was a little bit a lie. In reality, that was how he dressed more or less always, but it's not like his closet was comprised entirely of shirts that looked like his mother picked them out. 

"Hm… In that case, wear something that if you wore it to work you'd get written up. Got anything like that?"

"I'm sure I can find something." Okay, maybe his clothes did all sort of look like his mother picked them. Whatever. He'd have Robin help him. He'd have time after she got off work.

Eddie stayed in the parking lot across from Steve's apartment for a minute before moving on with his day. He pulled his phone out, ignoring the Hellfire group chat's constant stream, and texted Barb instead.

B:

he made my bed

is that a thing people do?

Make their beds?

make OTHER PEOPLES beds after they stay the night

Aww, he stayed the night?

yeah. turns out that coworker i thought he was dating? they do live together but shes gay and apparently had a hot date over

anyway back to my question

Did he sleep in your bed?

yes

…

Did *you* sleep in your bed?

no jesus b i slept on the couch what kind of man do you take me for

Well, I mean, I've never had anyone do that for me, but I guess that it's not, like, outside the realm of possibility.

he also made breakfast. for all of us.

Wayne too? That’s cute.

Sounds like he just wanted to be nice.

i think waynes more in love with him than i am

Did you tell him you know Nancy?

no uh. it never came up

You should probably tell him at some point.

i dunno. feel like that might freak him out

Yeah, maybe.

Eddie rested his forehead against the steering wheel for a moment, collecting his thoughts. It’d be fine, he told himself. Steve was being nice. He’s just a nice dude. Super nice. He definitely wouldn’t care that Eddie was friends with Nancy. Shit, they weren’t even really friends. Friendly, sure, but friends? Nah. 

Get it together, Munson. He’s just a guy.

------

i think i'm a little behind schedule so pt 8 will go up here in a couple hours and both parts will be on ao3 once i'm off work

tagging: @original-cypher @avacrebs @dangdirtydemons @rainydays35 @changenamelater @phantypurple @alienace @renaissan-vvitch @krazyperson @steddiereid @kittsu-makes-glass @i-must-potato @jaywhohasthegay @henderdads @mightbeasleep @straight4joekeery @sharingisntkaren @micheledawn1975 @thehumblefigtree @goodolefashionedloverboi @xxfiction-is-my-realityxx @potentialheartofdarkness @dreammetheworld08 @steveisabicon @biatcgh @alittlegreyfish @r0binscript @estrellami-1 @shitnshit

[angiewrvting]

Unusual Circumstances. Part 1.

Summary  ── AU. Unusual Circumstances follows the story of Ellie Rhead, one of the best criminal profilers in the country. Steve, Bucky and Ellie have been best friends since high school, however, that all changed when Bucky vanished without a trace and now Ellie has dedicated her life to finding him. And what happens when Steve has to watch the woman he’s fallen in love with pine for another man.

Pairing  ── Steve Rogers x Fem!OC. Bucky Barnes x Fem!OC

Warnings  ── Jealous Steve, OC jealousy, Swearing, conversations topics of sex, masturbation, abduction murder and serial killers, angst, fluff, drinking, smoking weed.

Word Count  ── 2.909K

Author Note  ── This is NOT beta read so all the mistakes are my own. This is my first ever fic on this blog. Please like and leave comments on this to let me know if you’d like a part two. Future parts will feature flash backs to when they all met, how Bucky disappeared, the case as it proceeds, their lives at home, what happened to him and of course a juicy love story. 

REQUESTS ARE CURRENTLY OPEN. 

185 days. That’s how many it’d been and it still didn’t get any easier.

‘’When was the last time you slept?’’ Steve grumbled from the sofa, flicking through the channels with boredom etched into every movement. It was a good question, in all honestly she wasn’t sure when the last time she’d managed to get a decent amount of sleep was. 

How could she when he was out there still?

Ellie’s chartreuse orbs were fixated on the paper work that lay scattered across her old oak desk, each detailing news articles that she’d poured relentlessly over. It was all part of the evidence she’d been collecting since he went missing. Some days it still didn’t feel real, she felt like she was in mourning every time she breathed, resonating deep within her chest.

The day Bucky vanished both she and Steve had been frantic. And now six months later it had become truly real that they may never find him. That he may truly be gone and while Steve had seemed to some what accepted it, Ellie couldn’t.

‘‘Y’know if you keep reading that shit your heads gonna’ explode.’‘ Steve whispered deeply, pushing to stand before walking over and resting his shoulder against the door frame. She knew if she looked up she’d find his piercing blue orbs shining with concern. 

‘‘Maybe another coffee will help --- ‘‘ Ellie began.

‘‘No. You’ve had enough caffeine, you need sleep.’‘ He wasn’t being mean, she knew it came from a place of concern and love but she didn’t want to hear it. She couldn’t.

It came out before she could stop herself.

‘‘I need Bucky.’‘ She snapped, instantly regretting it when he recoiled his eyes fluttering shut while he did that thing he where breathed deeply through his nose. She never spoke to him like that, it wasn’t they way they worked. ‘‘Sorry Steve.’‘ She muttered instantly raking her hands through the locks that framed her face. ‘‘Sorry.’‘ She muttered once more before pushing her face into her hands with a sigh. 

For a moment he felt that hurt swirl in his sternum, it stung to know that he wasn’t enough. He missed Bucky more than anyone would ever realize, he’d just learnt to channel his pain into other things. He hadn’t given up but he wasn’t letting it control his life anymore. He couldn’t. It’d been eating him alive, tearing him apart piece by piece. Ellie just hadn’t yet learned that she needed to keep herself healthy if she wanted to survive this.

Steve knew that she was over tired, he could see it, so with a sad sigh he closed the space between them pulling her up and into his arms. She was tense, unable to let that grief stop consuming her as the sobs wracked her from her body. How could it have been over six months with no sign of him. They knew he wouldn’t have just left. 

They’d never been apart this long since they’d became friends. 

‘’I just don’t know how we haven’t found him.’’ She sobbed into his chest, winding her arms around his middle to cuddle herself closer. Steve in that moment felt his own lip tremble. He hated how in pain she was and he missed his friend dearly. 

‘’I don’t know, Ellie. I wish I did. But I can’t give you the answers I so badly want too.’’  

For a while they stood in each others embrace allowing themselves to live in the pain that had been consuming them since that night. Steve’s hand finding home on he back, rubbing his hands up and down to soothe her the best he could. Ellie hadn’t noticed the longing looks that had developed over the last three years, the want and need that lingered in Steve’s orbs. 

He’d wondered at night if it’d always been there but he knew that he could never act on them. The two had always remained platonic, the best of friends and part of the trio. Steve was also keenly aware of the relationship Ellie and Bucky had, they had fun always up to something, flirty banter something they both found humor in and he’d always had to watch. Steve and Ellie had their moments they’d just always related on a more deep and emotional level. He honestly felt like she was the only person he could truly open up and be himself around. 

‘‘God, I’m sorry. I’m such a mess.’‘ Ellie muttered, sniffling as she finally began to stop crying. He didn’t let go though, resting his chin on her head. He remembered her saying that she always felt safe when he hugged her, and so any chance he got, Steve made sure to do just that.

‘‘You never have to apologize, El, y’know that.’‘ Steve hummed which made her cling to him a little harder. Ellie had for the longest time felt so comfortable around Steve most people mistook them as a couple, she was quick to tell them that they weren’t that. She’d laugh and tell the people that they were crazy. 

Yet, in his arms she felt at home. But some much of her longed for Bucky. It felt like it was killing her, and nights had become restless. She missed talking to him for hours on her patio, laughing until the sun came up or the long nights at Roosters, their favorite dive bar in town. 

‘‘We’re meant to be going to Roosters tonight.’‘ Ellie sniffled pulling back to take a look at the towering male whose beard and hair had grown out, a long piece falling in front of his eyes as he took a look at her, letting his thumb swipe away the stray tears. 

‘‘I know you don’t want to, but I think it’ll be good for you to get outta’ the house.’‘ Steve spoke softly but it was still firm. He knew she needed to be somewhere that wasn’t her place or the office. ‘‘Plus when was the last time me and you actually did karaoke?’‘ Steve smirked.

He earned a giggle from Ellie and it was the sweetest sound he’d ever heard. He wanted to capture it on a recording so he’d never forget it. ‘’There she is.’’ He chimed, looking down upon her sweetly. ‘’What d’ya say?’’ Steve probed wanting to at least attempt to get her to go out. 

‘‘Okay, fine. But you’re paying.’‘ Ellie cooed, slapping her hand on his chest finally pulling away from his embrace. In a matter of moments it went from sweet and tender back to their usual. And while Steve had longed to stay there longer, she was already turning and walking away.

Because she had no idea about the way she affected Steve Rogers. 

The music boomed from the speakers that Ellie was pretty sure were on their way out, the smell of beer lingering like stench in the air and floors that her shoes would stick to when she walked across the room. The best way to describe this place was a dive bar, or some form of almost derelict establishment. Roosters was a bar they’d stumbled upon in college, it’d been cheap and Bucky had worked part time behind the bar in the summers before he got a job as a fancy lawyer for a firm just twenty minutes out of town. 

And even when they moved up in the world and could have afforded to drink in much nicer places they still always came here. It was like a second home to them, they were friends with pretty much most of the regulars and they served the best hot nuts. Ellie couldn’t help remember him in here with them, all of them here until closing when they were told they had to go. 

Or the last conversation she had with Bucky. One that she’d never tell Steve about.

‘‘That’s a whiskey for you.’‘ Steve said, placing the drink down, before dropping into his own seat. ‘‘And a Shir--’’ He didn’t even get to finish before Ellie jumped in.

‘‘You’re drinking red wine?’‘ She teased, running her tongue across her bottom lip to stop the laughter from tumbling from her lips. 

‘‘You always make fun of my drink choices.’‘ 

‘‘That’s because your drink choices are....questionable.’‘ She scrunched up her nose. She’d never been a fan of red, and no matter how many times Steve tried to convince her otherwise, it was utterly disgusting. 

‘‘Okay, Mrs fancy criminal profiler with her whiskey.’‘ Steve managed to get out before they both burst into laughter. For a moment he realized that this was the most fun they’d had in what felt like weeks and they’d only just got here. He was hopeful. Telling himself that she just needed to get out and have some fun. Remember what living felt like. 

‘‘What are you singing tonight, then?’‘ Ellie asked smirking into her drink. Instantly she felt his side gaze burning into her. 

‘‘We not duet-ing?’‘ Steve asked furrowing his brows. 

‘‘Yes, of course. I need to make sure we get our rendition of 500 Miles in before the nights over. But I remember last time we were in here I won a bet.’‘ And instantly realization dawned on him. 

‘‘Oh you’re good.’‘ He grumbled having completely forgotten. 

The last time they’d found themselves in this establishment they’d decided to see who could out drink the other. The loser had to get up on stage and sing something that made them think of the winner. And as the blush tinted Steve’s cheeks, he couldn’t help himself think of the many songs that he found himself thinking about Ellie as he listened. 

‘‘I’ll give you time to get a few more drinks in you.’‘ Ellie promised with a smile, earning herself a roll of Steve’s eyes as he took a large gulp of the red wine instead of the sips he usually took. 

‘‘I’m gonna end up trashed.’‘ Steve confirmed and all she did was nod. 

For a while they sang along, chatted about the evening, reliving memories from their many adventurous nights in here and at some point Ellie had managed to score some weed for after they got home. Everything was going well until she arrived. 

Natasha fucking Romanoff. 

And in an instant she watched Steve’s attention drift from her to the red head. She shouldn’t have disliked her, she was a nice woman but there was something about Steve and Natasha’s relationship that got under her skin. They’d dated for a while a couple years ago before they broke it off so she could pursue her career and for the life of her, Ellie couldn’t understand how anyone could have broken up with Steve Rogers. 

Ellie wasn’t blind. He was gorgeous. And on top of all that he was one of the good ones. 

And while they’d maintained a friendship there was something in the way she seemed to always find a way to him when they were in the same bar, always touching him as if she was marking a claim on something that wasn’t hers. Not anymore. Ellie hadn’t even realized her jaw had clenched when she watched Steve get up from his seat almost automatically. Great. 

Within a moment he was gone embracing her. She should have been used to it by now but she just wasn’t. Instead she began to drink her drink taking her gaze off Steve in hopes that it’d just go away, focusing on the woman singing Kate Bush horrendously. 

‘‘Ellie.’‘ Natasha smiled slipping into the seat on the other side of Steve, while the other woman that she knew as Wanda took the seat next to her. ‘‘You’re looking well.’‘ And straight away she could feel the pity in her eyes, most people looked at her like it. Everyone knew just how much Bucky had meant to her. It was one of the reasons she hated coming because everyone felt sorry for them, but she knew they thought it was time she moved on.

She would never. 

‘‘It’s good to see you Natasha.’‘ She offered a tight smile. ‘‘And you, Wanda.’‘ Ellie took another sip of her drink hoping that they could talk between themselves and she could get Steve back to herself. It was just meant to be them tonight, anyway. And unfortunately the three of them quickly delved into conversation, while Ellie just nodded along.

She knew Steve was trying to include her and she wasn’t being rude, or at least, trying not to be. Natasha hadn’t done anything wrong but she just couldn’t seem to get over how she felt towards her. It was definitely because she’d hurt her best friend, she couldn’t shake the memory of seeing Steve in the state he was after she broke up with him. And when Nat lent forward to laugh, her hand falling to Steve’s thigh, Ellie felt every part of herself tense up.

She didn’t want Steve to get false hope, that’s what she was telling herself. This had nothing to do with the fact that Ellie for just a moment thought about what he’d think if she did that to him.

‘‘Nat was just telling me that she heard there’s a really good film at the movies coming out this week, maybe we should check it out soon.’‘ Steve said turning to Ellie with hopeful eyes, a sweet smile on his lips so much so that all she could do with nod with a soft smile. 

‘‘That’d be nice, Steve.’‘ Ellie knew it’d mean the world to him. She’d been neglecting him for some time and maybe he just needed her to be a little more present. She couldn’t guarantee she’d be able to keep it up all the time, but she could at least try and be a better friend. 

All it took a look over Steve’s shoulder to see Nat’s gaze burning into Ellie. Oh, she knew that look. She’d been telling Steve about the movie in hopes that they’d go with each other and he’d just out right invited his best friend along. Sometimes Steve could be a little bit clueless, but she was kind of glad in that moment that he was. 

‘‘Steve --- ‘‘ Nat began, pulling his attention back to her. (As usual) ‘‘I was kinda hoping...just me and you would go to that movie.’‘ And Ellie couldn’t say she wasn’t impressed, at least the girl said what she meant instead of just pretending it was what she’d always intended. ‘‘Like...old times.’‘ Nat and Ellie were both watching, waiting for the penny to drop.

And then it did.

Steve’s mouth formed into the ‘o’ shape, before he nodded. Ellie couldn’t watch so she took her gaze back to the stage that now had a man trying his luck singing Gold and he wasn’t half bad, so she tried to focus on that. What she missed in that moment was Steve trying to gauge Ellie’s reaction to what Natasha had said. Was she bothered? Did she hope that he’d say no? The one thing that bugged Steve to no ends was that he could read her like an open book pretty much all the time but when it came to him she was unreadable. A complex puzzle with a thousand individual pieces that never seemed to interlock.

‘‘Sorry Nat, I misread what you were saying.’‘ Steve said sheepishly, offering her that thousand watt grin that drew all the girls in. Just not the one he wanted. ‘‘I’d love that.’‘ The second the words left his mouth he regretted them because Ellie said nothing, her face didn’t move so he offered the best smile he could muster to Natasha and moved the conversation along.

Ellie could see that the red head was ecstatic. She was getting her claws back in him and the thought alone made her feel sick to her stomach. She just knew if she said anything to Steve he’d think she was being a paranoid best friend. Because that’s all she was to him. 

Buzz.

Her phone buzzing changed the conversation, and Steve turned from her instantly. She knew he was pissed off but she couldn’t quite place her finger on why. She’d never met someone who could go from being a ball of sunshine to a brooding poet in the space of seconds.

That was Steve fucking Rogers she mused to herself. 

‘‘Sorry --- I gotta’ take this’‘ Ellie muttered instantly answering as she made to stand. But she wouldn’t make it very far because the whole world seemed to freeze. That voice was one she’d thought she may never hear again. Bucky. It wasn’t him though, it was a recording. She could tell from the static and scratching in the sound. It was him begging for his life and in that was him crying out her name repeatedly. 

Bucky was being tortured and someone was using it to torture her. 

‘‘What...’‘ She breathed shaking like she was vibrating. ‘‘Stop. No. What ever you need, what ever it takes, please. Please, not him. Stop’‘ She screamed into her phone which instantly caught Steve, Natasha and Wanda’s attention. He made to stand instantly, calling out her name when his hand settled upon her arm, fear and concern written all over his mouth, tilting his head to the side. He had no idea what was going on.

But he feared the worst. 

‘‘They’re killing him.’‘ Was all Ellie sobbed before the world went black.

IF YOU WANT A PART TWO, YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO!

[mothpdf]

Hello <3 5 and 11

hiiii <3

5- Do you take drugs?

Not really, i smoke weed occasionally but i got a really bad hallucination back in may and havent had any since... if we're including other substances cigarettes sometimes and probably more alcohol than is entirely healthy... and so much caffeine. istg i run entirely on energy drinks. ill totally quit aaaany day now...

11- Best friend?

they're all on here funnily enough (dont have that many friends and they're all nerds, bless them). @/mavmav0 @/muesli-command and @/vvenusdahlia

ask game

[doberbutts]

Hip anon here. I think it must be. I’m 31 and don’t smoke, don’t drink alcohol and don’t drink coffee. I didn’t take THC until 30. (Some of my CBD products have THC and I’ll incidentally get high when trying to control breakthrough nerve pain) All of my coworkers were baffled. They couldn’t figure out how I had fun. I was like, I’m introverted so like I stay home and play on my switch

I'm not even an introvert I'm just boring lmao

Nah it's just. The vast majority of normie drugs/alcohol stuff I've just never been interested in because I don't like the feeling and besides the majority of it is not good for my health concerns. And the hard stuff, well I have relatives that are recovering addicts and I think it would hurt them a lot to know that I watched their lives unfold and still chose to experiment with the same things that harmed them.

I have three controlled substances in my house. One required for my transition. Two due to my car accident injury that are used as an as-needed basis, in other words I've filled them once last year and I still haven't used them all. Those two do help with symptoms but they make me high so I don't love taking them.

My friend group is all pretty chill because most of them have the same concerns or if they do anything it's, again, the normie shit (caffeine, alcohol, weed) and in fairly small amounts. Sometimes when I first connect with a potential partner they're weirded out by it, I usually have to explain over and over that I don't care if they do it and it's not moral or religious, I'm just not into it. But it's just strange to me that I keep having these interactions, sometimes even with my doctors, where people are dumbfounded.

Like. I eat my weight in candy and that provides enough of a boost for me to make it through my day. I don't really need or want anything else.

[lancedoncrimsonwings]

Honestly this turned into an absolute fuck of a ramble but oh well.

If the black dog is depression, and the dog of insanity is stealthy, perhaps he is a grey dog.

I've had my fair share of "psychosis", and got through the other side. To think back on those times is surreal, and they don't feel like my own memories, but the more surreal part is you can feel it there at the back of your mind, waiting, for another bad day.

For the most part my grey dog is tame now, though there are still bad days where the black dog howls and the grey dog bares his teeth in memory of what he used to be.

And maybe one day he'll howl again and bite at the cage of my mind, those of us that have faced these dogs know how easy it is to fall into. It's never usually intentional, not truly. Just sometimes, after those aforementioned 3 days of no sleep with bad news and caffeine, you open up the door and there he is, looking back at you. The grey dog.

All the while those dogs took control of me without me realising, but these days, its easier to notice the signs before they do, to realise why they are there, so when you open the door and see them, you knew it was coming and you know what to do.

For many of us, we learn to look him in the eye, ask him why he's here, and soothe him down before he bites. I know when I open the door to him, I've pushed myself too far and he and his brother bark at me to stop it and rest. To take time out, to go to the doctors and make sure my meds are working right, to ask for help, to say no to things on my plate and just eat what I can for a while.

And bit by bit, he backs away, with a nod, and a promise, and a threat; "I'll return, if you fall again."

There is definitely a distinct difference between mental illnesses causing chronic psychosis and acute episodes of psychosis. Mine is generally the latter, and I'm more predispositioned to it thanks to mental illness, but my brothers is chronic and much more intense, with daily symptoms.

Both of us had a marked increase in symptoms around the late teens and early twenties, and more recently an increase after experiencing traumatic events like the unexpected death of a very close family member and no-fault homelessness.

The "avoid weed and psychedelics" advice was very true for me, my clinical therapist also warned me. One of my worst experiences with full blown psychosis was because I was around people that smoked weed, and though I never touched it myself, being in the same room was enough. I also had non epileptic seizures. I don't remember much of that time, but I do remember the pushback I got when I refused to be around them when they smoked anymore, no matter than they'd seen the seizures and the affects of the weed induced psychosis- even for weeks after not being around it. I implore anyone who does smoke weed to do it responsibly and not judge anyone who says they can't be around it.

Biology is weird, and brains are weirder. We're still guessing at most of the mechanisms we run by, and still guessing how half our medications work, weed included!

These days, I'm lucky to avoid weed, (Though the fact people smoke it wherever they like still scares the shit out of me!) But I've still been facing off the grey dog recently, with mess ups with my meds, forced to come on and off them each month as they're routinely out of stock.

The only things that help are having people around me- well, one person, right now- that can recognise if I'm not coping with the grey dog myself and can step in.

When I've spent an entire day staring at the wall, trying to make a cup of tea and the side is full of half made drinks that I don't even realise are there, they know to make me sit down and bring me a brew, wrap me in a blanket and let me rest. When I've been talking to the person sat opposite me for an hour, but there's no one there, they sit there instead and let me talk. When I mention walking into the woods and never coming back, in the same tone I'd talk about getting an ice cream, they encourage me to listen to music instead.

Keep an eye out for your friends and family in their early twenties, especially if they have mental or physical health issues, and especially if they're experiencing trauma.

They Grey Dog can visit us all. But neither that or its big brother the Black Dog have to be a death sentence.

99% of "mysterious disappearances" esp of people in their 20s who start acting weird for 48 hours and then vanish are not mysterious, thats just when a lot of reality-obliterating mental illness tends to kick in and it's pretty easy to get a short circuit in your brain that makes you go family guy death pose in joshua tree national park. it's not any less tragic, it's just a documented phenomenon and not particularly predictable. its a big reason the medical advice is for people with a family history of schizophrenia to completely avoid weed and psychedelics. "people just go crazy sometimes" is a principle of human health that used to be a lot more accepted prior to the american midcentury and to a certain extent thats a healthier way to conceptualize and prepare for the risk, as opposed to the modern assertion that anyone acting weird is dangerous and broken forever.

[nathank77]

12/17/24

9:25 p.m

I feel like a different person... I don't smoke weed. I don't party. I don't drink alcohol. I've been on a diet for almost a year, Feb marks a year. I fixed my circadian rhythm entirely.

I joined the gym and i go 4-6 days a week. It's a life style. I'm trying to quit cigarettes. I don't game anymore.. i will sometimes but I keep myself so busy that i don't have time for it. I still love it. I just feel like I'm in prison in my house.

But yea. I mean I was thinking I'm not happy with gym progress bc if you saw me shirtless when I dont flex.... I mean I basically look the same. Flexing is a different story. And sucking in my gut now has a new meaning. It's flexing my abs... all my stomach photos basically I've sucked in.. there are very few honest ones.... which is good for ab comparison...

But you know the weight loss is minimal.. not enough to be happy about... cause I still can't fit in my skinny pants.. and the scale hasnt went down. Muscle weights more than fat.

Yet despite my body not being what i want it to be without flexing. And with me not thinning out enough, even if I stay here.. I mean... I'm addicted to the endorphins tbh. I've replaced my addiction to nicotine almost entirely to caffeine and the gym.

I still don't think I'll find anyone. But I mean i realize that last year i was barely out of full blown psychosis. Struggling so hard. And now I'm this entirely different person.

Idk how i feel about myself. I mean proud. But like i was forced to change.. I was forced to quit smoking weed and drinking. I wasn't forced to quit cigarettes or join the gym or diet. But I was sorta forced to diet to start Methimazole... bc I didn't want to gain crazy amounts of weight..

I am passed the window of ever even thinking about trying antipsychotics. I'm super resilient and if you saw me in October 2023 you'd never think I'd be 25 pounds lighter. A fitness oriented person.

I also feel like if you knew me before. You don't know me anymore. I'm still the same to my core. But I'm different.

I am proud of myself. But I mean. You got to realize i feel like an entirely different person.

[neetpunk]

I had a couple important appointments today, with audiology and gastroenterology. Also had to say goodbye to my peer support and end services with her because she’s going to get a new job. My audiology appointment went alright, my hearing test came back fine. The doctor thinks I have auditory processing disorder and that’s why I can’t hear things as well through my left ear. She also thinks the stuffed feeling in my ears is from inflammation from TMJ. So she sent a referral for me to be seen about testing for APD. I’m hoping insurance will cover that and treatment because I can’t afford the hearing aids and microphones made for APD.

My gastroenterology appointment went really well! My doctor seemed really empathetic and concerned about my well being, and understanding of my addictions situation. She was really confused and annoyed about my endoscopy results, because it turns out the doctor didn’t test me for anything; he just found the hernia and called it a day. So she wants me to get another endoscopy after a while, but first she wants me to get a gastric emptying study done in November to officially test for gastroparesis. She took me off Reglan because I told her it was making my face twitch, she’s putting me back on Zofran instead. I have to stop taking omeprazole two weeks before the endoscopy, too, so that won’t be fun.

I told her that I was kind of annoyed that everyone was blaming everything on me smoking weed, because I know it’s partly to blame but it’s not the cause of every single time I get sick, a lot of it is just from food. And I don’t think smoking caused my hernia, I think hEDS did. And she looked at my chart and asked why I’m not diagnosed and I explained I have all but the last symptoms of severe and deadly things, and don’t know of any family history with those things. And I described more of my problems going on, particularly my pelvic floor and prolapse issues, and she seemed really concerned. She looked up a doctor she wanted me to see on her computer; he's about an hour away from me and not associated with my hospital, but he specializes in EDS. She said he’s written papers about Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and everything she knows about it is from him, and said he’s a really good doctor who’s diagnosed a few of her other patients.

I told her I’ve been eating pretty poorly again, and drinking way too much soda that’s making me feel sick but it’s hard to stop drinking it, especially because of the caffeine. She told me to start by cutting down slowly, go from drinking 6 cans a day to 5 cans a day, and down from there; and recommended I get caffeine another way if I really have to. She also really recommended I try to cut back on smoking and vaping, and try eating more fruits. She wants me to follow up with a nutritionist soon, but I told her the one I saw said “Go see GI first your problems are scary!” and she laughed. I feel pretty good about my appointments today, but I feel kinda tired today otherwise.

[nahalism]

heyyyy i hope you are feeling good wherever this finds you 💙🌀

how are you sleeping nowadays? how do you handle days when your insomnia strikes hardest? i havent been sleeping much again and sometimes it feels so helpless. do you take something to fall asleep or do you toss and turn hoping it comes? and during the days do you maybe drink coffee or energy drinks (i doubt you drink energy drinks i dont know why im asking haha)to get through them

sending love love love

hey <3333. tbh —_— my sleep has been at an all time low for the past few months and ive been getting away with it/making it work, cause i have relaxed work hours atm. that said i wouldn't advocate or recommend what im doing as sustainable. cause its not and the eye bags arent sexy but whatever — there are times where i do things like get away from screens, shower, read or stretch, then lie down and just wait for sleep. usually it's excruciating and takes hours for me to actually sleep. so i havent been doing that recently. at the moment i just tap into the excess energy. when i cant sleep, even if im super tired, ill get up and do the things im thinking about / do something to process the thoughts. usually read, write or draw. then i keep going till i crash out. then i do it again. — after a break from smoking, weed can help me 'come down' enough to sleep earlier. but once i regain tolerance it loses that effect on me.

if its been a week or two and i havent gotten much sleep i can take a phenergan. it stops me going straight loopy from sleep deprivation, but i try not to cause im not a huge fan of relying on meds. so yh. i like coffee but dont drink much, caffeine doesnt even give me energy & i dont rly like fizzy drinks so no energy drinks.... 🫣🫶🏼 i wish i had a more optimistic reply but one day ill get my sleep together and report the good news. sending u love & restful sleeps

[stevishabitat]

Asexual and aromantic - as in I really don't give a fuck. I'm a grown ass adult, with a 10yo child. I've fucked. It wasn't my jam. I was married. Also not my jam.

I drink, and I do edible MJ. But for medical reasons I have to be extremely careful with both. So I've never done anything else (although some of my prescribed meds have been controlled substances, which was definitely not a fun experience).

My body is too fucked up to do much experimenting. Every day is an experiment to see if I can get through it without excessive pain. This is also why I don't go skydiving or scuba diving or ride on rollercoasters.

Can we stop assigning morality to things? Or infantilizing ace/aro, disabled, and other folks regardless of their sex lives and substance use habits?

A lot of neurodivergent and disabled people have a hard enough time functioning in a world that's hostile to them. For some, substances help with that (whether that's alcohol, weed, caffeine, uppers, downers, whatever). For others, they very much do not.

Every person knows their body and their needs and can make their own choices about what works for them and what doesn't.

If you like sex, and can find consenting partners, have however much sex you want. Be safe, and get the necessary healthcare (vaccines, birth control, prep, testing, etc) if you can.

Or masturbate. Please do that however much you want!

But if you're not interested in sex, there's zero reason to feel like you have to do it. It's not a milestone you have to achieve to be mature. It literally has nothing to do with becoming an adult.

Same with alcohol, weed, or anything else. If you enjoy it, can afford it, and it doesn't cause you any problems, or interact badly with necessary medications, then by all means do it (in as safe a way as you can).

But there's no moral value to choosing to do it or not do it. Drinking is not a right of passage. Choosing to smoke or not smoke has no bearing on your adulthood.

It's all just stuff that some people enjoy, and some people don't. Some people turn some things into unhealthy habits. But that's by no means universal.

There's no purity test.

There's no achievements to unlock.

See also: driving, any particular level of education, getting a job, living away from your family of origin, living with a partner, having children...

None of that is a requirement for being an adult.

If you don't want those things, or can't do those things, or need to wait awhile, that doesn't make you a lesser person or less of an adult. And you can always change your mind later if circumstances change!

//end rant

Ok so I've seen so many polls going around that are like "how old were you when you first had sex/got drunk/smoked weed etc." and the answer that wins is always the boring one so for those of you who are straight edge and celibate, which I know is the largest segment of this website:

[frosthidden]

ALICE + ADDICTION

i've been thinking a lot about alice's addiction issues recently so here are some of those thoughts, obviously heed the trigger warnings in the tags. i am trying to treat this subject with the respect and caution it needs.

there's no other way to put it. alice is an addict and has been for a long time. it's something she's aware of, and she's not proud of it, but she's not putting in any real effort to change either. it started with trying to push through being unmedicated for mental health issues and neurodivergence. alice started smoking weed when she was fourteen to escape her shitty home life and used caffeine to treat her unmedicated adhd. that worked and it helped, and she stuck with that until she graduated high school.

when she graduated high school, she graduated to the harder stuff. she tried coke for the first time while she was working at the gas station to pay for her van build. at low doses she experienced the same effects caffeine gave her for managing her adhd, at higher doses she got higher. she couldn't afford it at the time though so she stayed with her previous "treatments".

once her van got built and she had a slightly higher paying gig, alice was able to get her hands on coke. she started using that in conjunction with her coffee. she developed a way of using she believed essentially kept her stable. because she was rarely seeking out actually getting high, just being functional, she thought she was okay and wouldn't have called it a problem at the time.

she doesn't like needles very much which luckily has kept her away from anything that has to be injected into her bloodstream. but over time and with more exposure to the criminal underbelly of the city she lives in she's tried other drugs (mostly pills, and whatever frenchie has on hand).

certainly considering a drug dealer her best friend has contributed to her problem, but i think it's had both positive and negative impacts. because of frenchie's access, she's been able to get actual medications to treat her bipolar 2. she takes anti-psychotic medications, but continues her cocktail of other drugs.

she's been pretty isolated since she left home up until she officially started helping the boys out. she didn't have a support system at all, nor would she have known where to seek one out. she knew she had a problem for a long time but she didn't have anyone around to tell her nor any motivation to change her ways. for a long time, she didn't care if she lived or died. she lived one day at a time doing her jobs, staying off the radar and doing whatever else she wanted.

when people started showing up in her life worried about her (hughie, annie, mm to a much lesser degree) that was when she started having trouble keeping going. she didn't really know what it felt like to have people notice anything about her health. it made her paranoid at first that they'd notice she was hiding things from them (being a supe), and made her withdraw from them at first. she came around to them caring, to the idea that people would still try and help her even when she pushed them away. she wasn't dead already.

she's slowed down her using, but she hasn't stopped either. in the time from season 1 to genv season 1, alice did manage to get her shit together. she was really doing alright with moderate to minimal drug usage. before she want to godolkin, she significantly reduced how much she used in a day. when she realized that dealing drugs at parties got her a lot of access and insight into godu that butcher wanted, she started sampling her own supply. she wasn't proud of any of it, but it did the trick. she went on a bender immediately after leaving godu. major backsliding.

alice does drink, but she's never been as into drinking as most people. she saw what alcohol did to her dad, and somehow that registered as worse than how she interacted with her drug use. she's not the kind of person that regularly drinks to get drunk and blackout.

she has hope now, and that's what's different for her. she's not clean yet, but she has something to look forward to. she's also not hiding anything anymore. she doesn't feel like she's fighting her body and mind. she's learning to work with it, to treat it with care and dignity instead of abusing it. she will most likely experience side effects of prolonged drug use for a long time. what she doesn't know is that her body, the way her powers and the compound v in her system interact with the substances she uses is staving off some of the side effects. her aging is slightly slowed and the way the chemicals in her body interact with the foreign chemicals is keeping some of the worst of it at bay for now.