#sleep deprived me makes some valid points

[very-gay-poet]

Harry’s Patronus/Animagus isn’t a Stag.  (When I wrote this I was severely sleep deprived and just wrote this out so I could stop thinking about it so i apologise if I don’t make a lot of sense, repeat stuff or spelling errors. I also do loose my point somewhere in here but be patient I do get it back at the end enjoy!)

A stag is James Potter’s animagus and most likely his Patronus. 

James and Harry are not the same person. 

I hate the idea of Harry’s animagus being a stag since that is just not Harry! 

Stags symbolise gentleness, innocence, intuition, and unconditional love, as well as safety, strength, and protection. Basically everything we know as to be James Potter. 

His unconditional love with Remus, his protection over Sirius when he ran way, safety and strength is practically his moto and what the rest of the marauders see in James. His strength and the feeling of safety around him is what made so popular. 

Harry’s Patronus/Animagus isn’t a Stag. 

This maybe a bit of a stretch, but idc, Harry first did a Patronus when he was 13. 

When he was 13, he knew fairly a lot about his parents. One thing we really know is that his dad (as Harry thought at the time) was put on a pedestal as a man with no flaws. Harry had met his parents best friends (Remus) and obviously heard a lot about his dad mostly from off handed things like them looking alike.

Harry continuously takes pride when someone’s says this to him in his first couple years in the wizarding world. 

But what happened when this pedestal broke? What happened when he found out that his father, a man to be described as the closest thing to perfect, had a lot of flaws (the main one being his arrogance). 

In the beginning of OoTP Harry is fully able to produce a Patronus (albeit with a bit of trouble but the kid had still been processing Cedric’s death and Voldemort coming back to life and the graveyard thing so give him a break) but by the time Harry saw snapes memory and went as far to think that Lilly was forced to marry James, he didn’t (as far as I’m aware of) produce a Patronus. 

By the sixth and seventh book (when he was questioning who his father was and if he could’ve been too naive) he wasn’t able to produce a Patronus at all. 

In my opinion, Harry’s Patronus came from the love and admiration of James. It isn’t even too far fetched. 

Tonks and Snape’s both changed to match the ones they love. 

Tonks’s turned into a wolf and Snape’s to a doe.  

If Tonks had an animagus form it 100% would not be a wolf. It’s the same with Snape. It would most likely (said by the author herself) be a Bat. 

Your animagus and Patronus is not the same thing. 

As I’ve said, Stags/deers represent gentleness, innocence, intuition, and unconditional love, as well as safety, strength, and protection. This does not suit Harry at all. 

Gentleness is not Harry’s forte when it comes to his hot temper, for innocence he has seen more then most adult wizards have and witnessed so many people die, was tourchered by the most powerful man of the age aka his parents murderer, following the death of a classmate/companion, and the person who’s the reason he’s an orphan cut off his hand to rebirth said murderer, many people were there and laughed, etc etc (I could litterly go on all day), the boy is about as observant as a brick wall, unconditional love I can get behind yes he shares that trait, boy has never been safe before in his life what you on about, strength yes he does have a ton of strength for not just getting a gun and shooting bloody old Voldy in his none existent nose and yeah so pretty good with that, protection is a hot topic, since this could mean one of a couple of things:

Lilly’s protection 

People y’know dying for him 

The boy has never really been protected since he was one sooo

As for all reasons above, Harry Patronus is a stag, not because it fits him, it’s besucase he loves his dad goddammit!!!!  AND IN THE DEATHLY HALLOWS MY POINT IS LITTERLY PROVEN WHEN HARRY SAYS: “The fact of his own survival burned inside him, a talisman against them, as though his father’s stag kept guardian in his heart.”

FATHERS STAG!

A better fit for Harry, in my opinion, would be a black cat. 

A black cat, to many, is an omen of bad luck. Is some other cultures it’s a sign of good luck however. And we can sure as hell say that his boy has both on his side simultaneously and is fighting each other constantly. 

When asking Google what a cat symbolises it says: 

“The cat symbolizes grace, intelligence, cunning, and independence. The cat is a fascinating animal that cultures around the world have long revered. They are agile and nimble, able to move with silence and stealth. At the same time, they are also fiercely independent, choosing to live on their own terms.” 

Let’s break this apart. 

Grace 

Grace means, in a short form, elegance. 

Elegance is something Harry definitely has, just not on two feet. 

When Harry’s is on his broom, playing or practicing Quidditch, he is extremely skilled, earning his spot of the youngest seeker in a century. In his first Quidditch match, Harry won for gryffindor by standing on his broom, somehow balancing his weight perfectly, and was able to catch the snitch. (This may be only in the movie sorry).

Harry’s skills on his broom and in Quidditch are to thank his ability to have such grace on a broom. 

Intelligence is something Harry 100% does not lack. “—not a bad mind either—There’s talent, oh my goodness yes—“ - the sorting hat, 1991. 

“Not a bad mind either” is to reference that Harry would’ve been a good fit for any house, as in the it referenced all four houses, and the simplification of people in each house value. 

Harry is also the person to completely understand  Dumbledore’s plan in the deathly hallows so quickly I was honestly shocked

When I read DH I was actually very shocked on how fast Harry picked up on Dumbledore’s plan. He said, almost word for word, what his plan was and Ron and Hermione (mainly Hermione) didn’t believe it. 

It was clear here, by just this example, that Harry has far more open mindedness than his friends and intelligence in general. 

As he was the one to figure out that Voldy used the R.O.R to hide the Diadem. 

Cunning. 

Cunning means having or showing skill in achieving one's ends by deceit or evasion. 

This can be shown when Harry and Ron (in the CoS) were going to Moaning Myrtles bathroom when Harry made the quick excuse saying that they were visiting Hermione in the hospital wing. 

“Having or showing skill in achieving one’s end by deceit or evasion” 

And he was supposed to be in Slytherin! 

Independence is clearly not an issue when it comes to Harry. 

He was alone for ten years and he didn’t turn out half bad! 

He spent ten years alone and in CoS and GoF he spent them years almost completely alone. He clearly doesn’t mind being alone (as seen through the series as a whole). 

“The cat is a fascinating animal that cultures around the world have long revered.” 

“The boy who lived is a fascinating person that cultures around the world have long revered.” 

I CANT MAKE THIS STUFF UP IT JUST FITS SO PERFECTLY!!!! 

“They are agile and nimble, able to move with silence and stealth”

in the CoS he tells Fred and George when they’re picking the lock to his cupboard to get his wizard stuff that the bottom step creaks. It seems he understands how to to be silent in the Dursleys house at all times. 

In Ps he says something like he wished he nicked one of Dudley’s watches so he knew when the Dursleys were asleep so he could sneak into the kitchen. 

He clearly knows this house inside and out to know what time, the exact time, the Dursleys go to bed. 

Nimble is an easy one too. As seen in reason cunning fits him.

Nimble means along the lines of quick thinking. 

As seen beautifully presented to us when Snape wants to see Harry’s potions book after what happened in the bathroom with malfoy (when he almost killed him). 

Harry quickly asks ron if he could Borrow his potions book.

“Rooni Wizlab?” 

“That’s my nickname.” 

And goes on to explain what a nickname is. 

“choosing to live on their own terms.” 

I don’t think I even need to say anything about this because that’s just the definition of Harry James Potter there. 

In conclusion: 

Harry’s Patronus is a stag because he loves his dad and his animagus is a Black Cat okay goodbye

[monsters-demons-and-ai-oh-my]

TW: Talk about mental health and sui ideation and sui attempt

I feel the need to talk more about Jayce's "attempt" again because of what I learned from his journal in the "Council Archives"

There's a fair argument to be made that Jayce was already in a very bad headspace even BEFORE the explosion in his apartment.

If you read Jayce's journals it feels like Jayce was ALREADY spiraling before he got kicked out of the academy. For a few reasons.

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1.Jayce was very isolated to begin with.

He was working on experiments he knew were illegal and was so paranoid about being found out he started coming up with insults to call another student who almost caught him throwing away a failed experiment.

He also seemed to only be able to cheer himself up by talking shit about other people's work and how everyone else just couldn't measure up to how important his work was and would be. And when he finally meets Viktor he talks about never really thinking he'd take to working with another scientist.

(Honestly, pre-act 1 Jayce comes off a little more like his LOL counterpart which make me believe Arcane Jayce meeting and working with Viktor as early as he did is what helped make him the version of himself he is in Arcane?)

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2. Jayce was not really sleeping and his schoolwork and grades were going downhill.

He talks in his journal about the fact that he's not getting to sleep until sunrise a lot of nights because he was trying and failing to make the crystals work.

And as a direct consequence of not sleeping he talks about Heimerdinger (the DEAN) having to come talk to him because his grades are slipping.

Jayce literally decides to make a graph correlating his lack of sleep to his poor academic performance.

(Later he expresses concern that he might get expelled from the academy because his work is slipping that badly).

And remember all the while when he is so sleep-deprived he can't focus on coursework he is FULLY CONVINCED he can figure out Hextech. You know a whole new field of study. It doesn't work, shockingly.

------

3. Ximena was already worried about Jayce wellbeing and trying to get him to go outside and be around others.

He eats some snacks insults some people's work to himself and then goes back to doing what he was doing.

Not a lot to talk about with this one except it's no wonder she tried to get him to back off magic if she could already tell he wasn't okay especially when we consider the state he was in at that point.

You also see that both his mother and Heimerdinger were expressing valid concern for him only for him to brush it off.

-----

4. Near the end of the journal entries before we get to the ACT 1 content he says some concerning things considering his later attempt on his life.

First he starts to doubt that he's getting anywhere then he remembers something Heimdinger once said about most inventors failing a 1000 times before succeeding and he makes a self-deprecating joke about "I suppose I must be closing in...".

Then he straight up says he can't see a path forward.

And he then makes a pros and cons list of his experiments where he talks about how the work with the crystals is very dangerous and if he pushes to much it could kill him but also how he's in danger of getting expelled if he can't sort out his schoolwork.

and then he writes.

"Which is worse? Killed or expelled?"

Which is certainly a Harry Potter reference but also given his eventual attempt is very telling.

And it's closely followed by him saying his mom was worried about him, which... seems valid.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Also on a side note unrelated to the journal entries.

Jayce's attempt was not a choice made suddenly in a rush of emotion like Viktor's, he planned it.

Jayce not only left what was implied to be a suicide note he took the methodical time to literally WAX SEAL the note with his official house mark. And it took Viktor a long long while of talking to him to get him to back away from the ledge. He was fully committed to committing.

-------------------------------------------------

Final thoughts: I think Jayce was in a place in his mind backed into a corner.

He wasn't able to reach out for help or even trust anyone because of the nature of his work. He wasn't listening to people that were concerned about him. And the way in which Jayce was doing his work was damaging to himself and his life in general. He was spiraling.

He needed someone else there to share the weight of what he was trying to do, to be able to reach out to outside of his own head which was the person Viktor became to him.

Part of me even wonders if Jayce was already in a place where he might have ended up on that ledge without the explosion if he didn't change his ways or have a sudden breakthrough.

[anyydidi]

WRITING THIS POST BECAUSE I'M SO SICK OF PEOPLE MISCHARACTERIZING FORD!!!!!!!!!

Before we begin, everyone is entitled to their opinion. If you really think Ford wouldn't truly care, you do you.

That being said, I feel like people who claim that Ford wouldn't do a single thing to bring Stan back if their places were switched do not understand his character at all.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think that he would open the portal. At least not right away. The one thing I agree with is that Ford wouldn't put the life of his brother above the whole planet like Stan did. He realizes the threat of the portal and Bill too much to do that.

But have people forgotten that Ford also loves his brother? Yeah, he was angry, bitter and resentful, but he wouldn't have just let Stan die in the multiverse. Especially since that would be entirely his fault he got stuck there in the first place.

For people thinking, "But Ford was too blinded by rage! He didn't care for Stan until after Weirdmaggedon!", have you seen the show? Have you read the journal? Through everything that happened, Ford kept a photo (tattered and worn, obviously taken out a lot) of him and his brother in his left, inner breast pocket which is the one closest to the heart. If that wasn't enough, for those who haven't read the journal, Ford kept reminiscing about and mentioning his brother before the portal incident. Even though those lines were often crossed out, it was obvious that at least unconsiously he had Stan in mind a lot. And at the end of the journal, it is written that he worked day and night, to the point of passing out, to bring Stan's memories (and essencially Stan himself) back. (Oh and have we forgotten about the absolutely shattered expression he had when he erased Stan's memories? You don't look like that for a person you don't deeply care about).

Still not enough to believe that Ford cared about Stan before Stan's sacrifice?

Let's talk about the fact that when Ford was at his lowest, that being paranoid, sleep deprived, tortured by Bill, drowned in guilt, and completely alone, he reached out to Stan? He says it himself, "I needed help, someone I could trust." After everything, he still trusted Stan to an extent and believed him to be his last hope. You don't give trust like that to people you truly hate.

Ford was self-absorbed and egocentric, but also hurt and betrayed. That feeling came from a misconception, but that doesn't make it any less valid. It is understandable that he acted towards Stan the way he did, with venom and bitterness. But we can be angry at people we love and still care for their well-being.

How I said earlier, I don't think Ford would really open the portal. He wouldn't risk the entire world for Stanley. But I do think he would do anything in his power to be able to bring Stan back safely. You cannot be telling me that he'd be able to live with the guilt and not do anything about it if he could. After all, in his head, it would be his fault. He got tricked by Bill, he built the portal, he made Stan come to him and showed him the portal and he wasn't able to let go of the journal and fought Stan for it. I'm convinced he'd still throw some blame at Stan for some of the fight to make himself feel better at first, but after some time he would just blame himself completely (the same way I think Stan did with the science fair incident). The guilt for all of that would eat him alive.

Let's not forget, Stanley worked for 30 years, basically half his life to bring Stanford home and I believe Ford would be willing to do the same. He would just go about it differently. He would either try to get rid of the threat of Bill and then be willing to upgrade the portal and turn it on again, or maybe try to find a completely different way to get Stan back from the multiverse, or in the end something entirely different, I'm not fully sure.

What I am sure of is that Ford wouldn't just let Stan be stranded in the multiverse without doing absolutely nothing. Maybe he wouldn't succeed, maybe Stan would actually have to find his own way back home because Stanford wouldn't be able to find a solution without risking their entire universe. But Ford would at least try, give it his all, because despite everything, he still loves his brother. Differently than Stan loves him, because Ford is a different person than Stan, but he still does.

So I beg you, people. Stop taking Ford's complex character from him. He can be a selfish, self-centered asshole, but he's not heartless.

[thewintercorner]

I saw your post discussing worldenders, and then I saw a someone else's post pointing out how the 1000 withers in season 2 was PARROT'S IDEA, and Spoke was the one who was trying to reel Parrot back, and then I saw Parrot's unstable video (hunted by minecraft's deadliest players), and I had this lightbulb moment and I NEEEEEEED to talk to someone abt this even though I might be wrong and just sleep deprived

Parrot could technically count as Lifesteal's first worldender.

Except in his case, his motives for being a worldender would not be out of understanding lifesteal's cycles, but out of pure rage and desire for vengeance. I've always thought that his biggest character flaw was his tunnel vision towards his ambitions, but having him tunnel in on vengeance against Clown in S2 basically set off all of the cycles that came afterwards because of how devastating it was. I was heavily reminded of this fact while watching Parrot's unstable video.

While not on Spoke or even Mapic/Zam levels, I'd argue that Parrot was the progenitor of even the concept of worldenders. Sure, Clown became the deadliest player, and he dominated the server for a whole, making it super competetive, but Parrot's revenge path set the tone of revenge and destruction for the rest of the seasons after that, and that was how Spoke became a worldender, and how all the lifesteal season endings after that became just as chaotic.

hello anon i have been thinking about this ask for weeks

i've also gone back through and watched spoke's s2 mega vid a couple times recently and my thoughts mainly revolve around how you define a worldender (in terms of lifesteal, at least). if you just take the word at face value, you get something approximating:

world: a planet or universe; in the context of minecraft, a server

ender: one who ends things

worldender: one who ends worlds

which is a totally fair definition! i mean, it's what the word says, right? by that definition, parrot is absolutely a worldender; he's the guy that (co-)ended the world.

however, in the context of lifesteal, i think it's important to define the term a little differently. that definition technically includes whichever admin pulls the plug on the server itself; if you wanted to stretch it, you could even say the withers themselves are that kind of worldender.

we could restrict it to people who do things, who carry out their actions and/or lives, in pursuit of intentionally ending the world. that's a lot closer to what we mean, and is also a valid definition! parrot also falls under this; he was definitely trying to end the world.

however, i'd like to make one further distinction: between people ending the world because they want to and people doing it because they have to -- in other words, people doing it in service of the cycles. you can kind of think of the distinction as worldkillers and worldenders; worldkillers do it of their own accord and desires, as a choice they alone make. worldenders do it because they know they must; someone has to put the world down, lest it agonizingly wither away and bring all of them down with it.

this is where parrot splits off (in my view). i think there's a fundamental difference between his motives and spoke's, even if the result is the same. i don't know that spoke really wanted to end the world, but he saw where things were going and knew someone had to. parrot wanted the world dead.

essentially what i'm saying is parrot was doing the right thing for the wrong reasons. he did end the world, but he wasn't doing it as a Lifesteal Worldender with an understanding of the cycles and why that was a good thing to do, why it was necessary. to me, part of the essence of being a true worldender is having this understanding, being able to meditate on your decision and still come to the same conclusion time and time again, world after world. parrot isn't able to do that.

i also think it's interesting how he relies on spoke to see his vision unfold. i think this speaks to some broader havocduo dynamics, for one, but it also rings to me as parrot knowing that he is not able to end the world himself. he has the vision, has the plan, but he knows it's out of his scope. i don't think it's lack of dedication, either; parrot was the driving force behind so many of the poggies' big traps over the course of the season. and yet, he tells spoke "you're the only one who can do this."

i think (whether this is something parrot knew or not) this comes down to really a simple difference between them: parrot wants an apocalypse. spoke's willing to become one.

you can kind of feel this in the final fight. parrot's concerned about dying, still, about getting jumped and losing hearts; spoke's getting hunted for much of the time as well, but he doesn't care as long as he gets the withers down. parrot says at one point "spoke, look what you've done!" and spoke replies "this is our mission! our mission is complete." parrot also continuously mentions m.o.b as their enemies in this, as if the reality that this event is much, much bigger than their war hasn't really set it.

the fact that spoke goes out to his own final wither really exemplifies this, i think. dying to your own apocalypse is an extraordinary show of acceptance and of relinquishment, of saying "i did all this and it will end the world and i am proud." parrot is still fighting to stay alive the entire time, even after the final wither. spoke goes out with it, a death for a birth, because he knows his work is done, and he knows the world will die, and he chooses to go out on his own terms instead of fighting for life on a sinking ship. parrot wanted the apocalypse, but he wasn't ready to die in it, wasn't ready for it to take down his allies just the same as his enemies. spoke was.

i guess as a nice, succinct way to summarize all of this: parrot wanted to end a war, definitively. spoke understood he was ending the entire world.

as a final note, i don't want to discredit parrot as the genesis. i believe that every blossoming worldender needs a catalyst to push them to their full revelation and potential, and i think parrot very much acted as that for spoke. parrot was, in many ways, the reason season 2 ended, but he is no more responsible for the apocalypse itself than the chemical signals that tell the puppet master's hand to move.

(these are, of course, only my opinions; believe whatever you want to about the block guys :))

[ennard-is-near]

As promised, my thoughts on The Week Before!

(Spoiler free first, spoilers under the cut. Also long post warning)

It was objectively not a good book. Most fun I’ve ever had reading anything, though.

I’m going to start calling him “Ralph Scott” as his full name. At first I hated the name Ralph but it actually grew on me over time. I think Scott is a valid last name and he doesn’t have one in canon so it’s Scott now. I might just call him Phone Guy sometimes though.

If I had to pick one FNaF song to represent this book it would be Stay Calm, absolutely no question. Do with this what you will.

I really enjoy his relationship with the restaurant and animatronics. It’s pretty realistic imo, he always seemed like he was pretty fond of the brand and had loved it and worked there for a long time.

Coppelia is so y/n coded I don’t know how else to explain this. She feels like a self-insert or fan child. Like the way they describe her outfit reminded me of good ol’ Wattpad fic. This is not good or bad, simply a statement. I actually liked her.

Game continuity stuff:

At first it sort of struck me as odd that Ralph says this is his “first week on the night shift” because in FNaF 2 he mentions that he is going to take the shift after Jeremy. But then he mentions that the restaurant closed down after the Bite of ‘87 so it actually sort of makes sense. It took me a minute to figure that out, though.

As I mentioned before, they are mean to Jeremy? This is genuinely hilarious to me. Like at one point Phone Guy mentioned that staff kept saying “You can’t spell team without meat” right after the Bite and his takeaway is just “that’s not very nice but at least they paid attention at orientation.” The first time he brings it up he asks what Jeremy did to provoke the animatronic (my friend said “what was he wearing?” And I think that’s hilarious). He says that the press blew the whole thing way out of proportion but he says that following “he doesn’t talk anymore. Or do much else” so idk man. Ralph just seems more annoyed than anything, like he’s mad it got the restaurant closed down. He does sort of care a little bit, I guess. It depends on what sentence you’re reading.

(My friend also said that it’s sort of the thing you have to joke about, like if that happened at your work you’d have to be an idiot about it [especially bc it was probably over 5 years ago] and while I completely agree, I feel like he’s mean to Jeremy personally a couple times and that’s not very nice. He was just doing his job, man. This is so funny to me genuinely. I will never stop thinking about it)

There were a couple Bite of ‘83 mentions, which I was not expecting, but was very exciting to me. Ralph going up on stage and thinking about why people aren’t allowed up there…he called 1983 on the phone and it was just screaming and Bite of ‘83 audio (and it was different from the games?) which was wild.

I loved that he said they used to call the Bite of ‘83 “The Big Bite” until ‘87 happened. And he likens it to how they used to call WW1 “The Great War” until WW2. Incredible comparison.

Something that I don’t remember Ralph bringing up directly is the MCI. There’s obviously references to it, but I don’t recall him ever going “wow remember when those kids went missing?” Like he does with The Bites. Not a huge deal but definitely a small thing I noticed.

It’s me. It’s me. It’s me. It’s me. It’s me. The way they wrote the it’s me thing actually sent me to hell and back. Some interesting implications as to what that could mean if it’s happening to Ralph too. I think the way it was described the “it’s me” echo like, taking up his whole mind and actually hurting is so fascinating to me. It’s me. It’s me. It’s me.

He refers to himself as “Phone Guy” at one point, or at least says that that’s what other employees call him because he records the training tapes and welcome messages. I actually liked that, it was late at night when I read it but my sleep deprived brain thought it was a cool nod to the fandom.

He also records the messages for Michael (/the next employee) in the books, which is so fun. They used the word-for-word transcript from the games which I also thought was really cool. I’ve always been a fan of those opening phone calls, his FNaF 1 stuff makes you really get attached to the guy and then he fucking dies which is always deviating. Putting them in exactly like the games was a good call.

Also also his night four message recording was really well written actually. It might have been my favorite part of the whole book. Him talking to Coppelia in a non-canon death was really sweet too

They mentioned Susie being Chica and Jeremy being Bonnie by name. I like this. Ralph saying Susie just by vibes was fine, but I kinda want to know how Bronwen knew that Jeremy is Bonnie? Like I know she’s done a lot of research but how does she know which specific kid is which specific animatronic? That seems like a hard thing to figure out, even if you know everything about the case. Eh, whatever.

They kept just… listing the animatronics? Like the book will go “Look out for Freddy, Bonnie, Chica and Foxy.” Over and over again. Like yeah, I got it.

Phone Guy

They made him a boy failure. And a lame dad. Absolutely perfect. He says the same stupid fucking joke every time even though nobody’s around. He practices making stupid jokes and puns so he can tell them to his daughter later.

He loves his daughter so much, also. Like all he thinks about her all the time and he checks on her immediately when he gets home. He wants work at her school? He keeps telling her never ever to go to Freddy’s. In the non-canon death where he calls her and he says, “I love you. Don’t come looking for me.” Aughhggg.

A couple of his deaths were genuinely so funny. The one where he’s just mixing shit in the closet and the door gets jammed? That wasn’t even an animatronic that’s just basic workplace safety. The one where he’s being killed (by Chica I think?) and his blood is going all over the floor and he goes “I just cleaned that!” Hey man, there are more important things happening. The one where he puts the cupcake up to his face and it like…eats him? Why did he do that?

There are also a couple non-death endings that are great. The one where he just accidentally gets locked in a room is pretty good. He can get sued by Fazbear which is really funny. Coppelia can get eaten by The Cupcake which is iconic.

Foxy is his favorite. We find this out when he’s being killed by Foxy and he goes “But you were my favorite!” Foxy is also Michael’s favorite. Also nobody asked but he would have been mine if I was a kid at Freddy’s.

I like when he walks in to a room covered in blood and goes “It must have been an animal!” You and I both know it wasn’t, why did he say that? Also he throws about the blood.

Other characters

Coppelia is so good. She’s so middle-schooler and I mean that in a good way. She’s well written in a “that’s what twelve-year-olds are like” way. During the ending where he calls her and says he loves her and she goes “I know, Dad” like she’s rolling her eyes. Okay go off Coppelia. But also she clearly loves her dad she’s just a preteen. I don’t like that Phone Guy calls her Pel, though. That’s stupid.

I don’t like Bronwen. She’s underdeveloped and as she stands in the book just completely unnecessary. She’s a cool character in theory, a reporter who’s obsessed with the mystery at Freddy’s, but she probably couldn’t work in a book like this. I feel like her only purpose was to give Ralph a quest, phone and dead body to find. He probably could have gotten those things on his own, and it actually would have been better for his character I think. She feels like a self-insert character from someone who won a “get your own character featured in a book” contest. She’s not hugely important or prevalent in the plot, to the point where she could be cut and it would probably make the story better. But as her own character, in a book where she was a main or very prominent side character, she could be very interesting. She’s just not here.

WILLIAM AFTON?? Okay, well, maybe. Probably. He’s only in there a couple times, as “Dave” the maintenance guy who knows everything about the animatronics and is annoyed that you called him at 4am. Definitely William Afton, which is very cool and interesting that he’s still around and slaying at the time of FNaF 1. Idk if I’m going to include that in my personal brain timeline but whatever, still good info to have.

Williams presence does raise a question that has always bugged me, how do people not recognize him? Like I get that maybe it’s like Clark Kent where you’re not looking for William Afton so you won’t recognize him, but I feel like this is a little different. Because Dave Miller isn’t some unassuming maintenance worker while William Afton is some huge famous, supervillain or something. Dave Miller is a guy who knows everything about the animatronics and William Afton is the guy who made the animatronics. And they look the same? He’s not even bothering with glasses or anything. And Phone Guy has to have seen William a few times because he’s implied to be higher up (at least a manager or something) at the company in 1987 so he has to have seen William a few times. And Ralph’s gone bowling with “Dave” before, so why was he never like “Huh I wonder if this is William Afton considering they look the same and have the same job and nobody has seen Afton in a long time.” He’s so Sweeney Todd core.

There’s a brief mention of a character named Mrs. Anderson who has a dead daughter, and to me that daughter is Susie. (Not Cassidy bc I have a different family for Cassidy that I can’t get into rn but trust me.) But that’s so sad actually, that she is basically Coppelia’s babysitter bc she misses her own daughter. I feel like something that FNaF could benefit from is more little character insights like this. Just getting a brief “Mrs. Anderson” and seeing how she’s handling her kid dying. This could not be Susie’s mom, and I’m just seeing connections where there aren’t any, but I think she probably is meant to be.

Okay I’m done

I really liked this book guys. It was worth sneaking a copy of into my house. I had so much fun with it, even if I just read it back-to-front like a normal book instead of “playing” it. (Idk why they kept pretending it was a video game, it’s clearly a book, but whatever.) there were a few very fun details that I really loved and it was a good addition to the canon of the series. I won’t incorporate everything into the lore I made up in my head, but I will definitely take some of it. I really enjoyed it, I really did.

[danoberry]

★ object of your affection (hank devereaux x reader) SMUT 18+

description: after many “private” sessions with your professor, you finally get what you’ve been wanting.

content: SMUT 18+!!!, age gap (reader is in her 20s), use of the word “kiddo” a lot, kinda cum play, teasing, more stuff but it’s unimportant and it’s 12:30am

pronouns: you/yours (female reader)

wc: 2.7k

afab genitalia

AN:

hi guys! i’m really back! new content, woo! when i fade out of my interests, there’s a gap of time where i really have no interests. after i stopped being OBSESSED with paul dano, i finished breaking bad and watched better call saul, which, of course, sparked a huge interest and an infatuation with bob odenkirk. with that being said, here is the new fic. i hope everyone, even my religiously devoted dano fans, enjoy!

The sound of your foot against the floor tip-tapped with the cadence of a song running through your mind. You stood at Professor Devereaux’s door, waiting for the one-on-one session that you had asked him for, for the fourth week in a row. After his outburst in class, you had noticed he had been more stressed than ever before. You wouldn’t have cared as much if you didn’t have such a good bond with him, but with your similar humor (and consistent effort) you both got along very well. It was never your intention to become so close to your much older professor, but lack of friends and need for validation led you to this friendship.

Professor Devereaux was an ethical man. So you thought, at least until the outburst. For what it was worth, you agreed with what he was preaching. The college he taught at, the one you went to, was mediocrity’s capital. There was nothing special about it. What he said was right. The idiotic kid who kept dragging on the situation knew nothing about the man you knew. Someone practical. Someone witty. Someone caring. So as you stood there tapping your feet, you thought about how off-topic this one-on-one session with your professor could get. Or on the contrary, how off-topic you could make it. 

“Hey, Y/N,” you heard a voice say as you looked up from your feet. 

“Hey, Professor,” you replied, getting out of the doorway and watching as Prof. Devereaux grabbed the keys from his pocket and unlocked the door. 

“Listen, kid, I’m super sleep deprived. I’ll look at your paper to the best of my ability, but I can’t promise world class advice.” 

“That’s okay. I kinda just wanted to eat somewhere besides the cafeteria.” 

He replied sarcastically, “Go right ahead, I’ll sit and watch you.” 

He sat in his chair across from you as you grabbed the salad from your bag. You pulled up your paper on your laptop, beginning to eat. 

“Jeez, you're making me hungry now,” he said, laughing and looking at his computer. 

“Yeah, well, I’d offer you some but I don’t want any cross-contamination going on.” 

“I’ll live. I think I have a vanilla Coke in the fridge out there. Be right back,” he opened the door, “before I die of hunger!” 

You ate your salad as you waited for him to get back, aimlessly scrolling on Pinterest. When he did come back, he carried two cans of Coke in his hands, one for him, and one for you. 

“See, I’m not as selfish as everyone is saying,” he said. 

“Definitely not. Thanks, Professor.” 

He sat down and leaned against the desk. “You gonna show me your paper?”  

“Oh yeah, here.” You flipped the screen and showed him what you were working on, and he invited you to sit on the other side of the desk with him, pointing out details that you didn’t need or needed to add. You took a sip of your Coke and grabbed a mint from across the desk after you were done with the salad. Slowly, you unconsciously started to scoot closer to him, closing the gap between your bodies substantially. You looked up at his gaze upon your screen, studying his facial features. You studied his hair and his beard and its color. You watched his eyes flick from each side of the screen as he read. Right then and there, you reached a breaking point. God, you couldn’t bear looking at such a handsome face and not being able to mess with it. He was so successful and attractive and intelligent. You wanted him to ruin you. 

You leaned closer to him, pretending to read your paper again. Slowly, you began to rub his shoulder as he read. He didn’t tense up or ask for you to stop, responses you could have received. Instead, he kept as he was. 

“What’re you doing?” He asked absentmindedly.

“I don’t know. I’ll stop-“ 

“No, it’s fine. I was just wondering if you could get the other shoulder.” 

You paused for a moment. 

“Uh, yes sir.”

“Don’t feel obligated. You just do it very well.” 

You blushed hard. “Thank you,” you nearly whispered. 

“Thank you. Could you get the blinds too?” 

You nodded your head while you got up, letting your hand linger on his shoulder until you couldn’t touch him anymore. As you shut the blinds, your professor looked over at you, tracking your body with his eyes. When you walked back over to him, you massaged his shoulders as he finished his reading and revising. You leaned closer to his head and watched your screen that he had control over. 

“There you are,” he said, taking his hands off of your keyboard, lifting one to rub your fingers that were resting on his shoulder. “Sit down, let me talk to you for a moment.” 

You let go of his shoulders and sat down next to him. “You’re one of my most promising students,” he started. “You’re not like these… ignoramuses I deal with every day…”

“Thank you, professor,” you said, nervous from the intimacy of the conversation. He leaned back and smiled. 

“I think we can get rid of the formalities now, don’t you think…? You can call me Hank when we’re alone.” 

You nodded your head, still blushing and timid from the conversation. 

“You don’t have to act so shy,” he teased. “I know what you’re trying to do. To be frank, it’s working… if that gives you any validation. You want one-on-one ‘lessons’ with me after class almost every week, and all we do is sit and talk. I’ve caught on. Scooting close to me while I read your essays, which I know you write just so we can have these ‘lessons.’ I know you want to mess with me. You’ve got me right where you want me.” 

You sat there in awe, the numbness in your thighs dialing down as you got more comfortable with the fact that he knew you were attracted to him. Hank leaned closer to you, and instead of letting him take initiative, you leaned into him and met his lips between his beard. He tasted the mint flavor on your tongue. 

“What was that about ‘cross contamination?’ Wintergreen, huh? How’d you know that was my favorite?” 

“Lucky guess.”

You kissed him again and felt the softness of his beard against your skin. It was a new feeling, something you had never experienced. You had only been with men your age. You melted in the thought; you were able to kiss such an experienced man, one who even knew how to speak to you so sweetly. You swooned over Hank’s quiet groans, ones he made when he was out of breath. Inching closer to the man, touring your hand up his knee and onto his thigh, he whispered to you, “Right here,” having you straddle his lap over the seat. He told you ‘atta girl’ when you adjusted your hips on top of him. 

“Jesus Christ, kiddo. I don’t know how you expect me to last long if I’m getting this undone from just touching you.”

“Who knows, maybe I could teach an old dog new tricks today,” you laughed. Hank kissed your neck, tickling you and making you giggle even more. 

“Who are you calling old?” 

“More like… mature,” you said, still giggling from the ticklish neck kisses. 

“Mature, huh? I guess you wanna know how someone so mature can make you feel then?” 

“I think I’d like that very much.” 

Hank took hold of your pants’ button and unclasped it, afterwards unzipping your zipper. You stood up quickly to kick them off, displaying a perfect pair of lace panties you had worn every single time you had a “session” with him. Hank unbuckled his belt, dropping it to the floor, and he undid his button and zipper. 

“I bet you wore those underwear just for me, didn’t you? How dirty.” 

“But you like them, right?” You asked jokingly, turning around squeezing your ass in your hands. You straddled Hank again and kissed him. “Talk about dirty, you’re about to have sex with one of your students in your office.” 

“Trust me,” he said, “if I could take you home with me right now, I would.” 

“And what would you do with me if you did?” You asked him, grinding a bit harder against his crotch than you were before.

“A lot more than what we can do right now.” 

“Why don’t you give it your all, then?”

“Pshh, ‘give it my all.’ You’re really asking for it, huh?” 

“Hank, I’m on my knees.”

You kissed him again and rubbed against his crotch, making sure he could feel the wetness seeping through your panties. Hank hummed when he felt you graze his cock. You stood up and watched as he pulled down his underwear and unbuttoned his shirt. Seeing his cock lay so perfectly against his stomach made your legs weak, and you swore you could feel yourself salivating. You bent down over his cock and watched as pre-cum leaked in little beads from his tip. You kissed the tip of his length, giving it kitten licks. You could see the twitch of his cock just from teasing him.

“God- ah- fuck, kid. Get on top of me.” 

With zero hesitation, you climbed back onto his lap and moved your panties to the side, giving Hank kisses on his lips and grinding against his cock, waiting for a moment before taking him all. You stood up and positioned yourself over his cock, sitting back down with an exasperated shudder, moaning into his neck. Hank expelled a large breath against your skin, feeling your pussy wrap around him so perfectly. 

“Ah- wow, you feel good.” 

“Who, me?” You sarcastically remarked, panting. 

Hank squeezed your ass and moved it up and down on his cock. “Don’t get all smart-elicy on me now. We both know where you get it from.” 

He breathed between his teeth, almost audibly whining, when you deliberately clenched around his cock.

“If you mean myself, then you’d be correct.” 

Hank pounded into you harder than before, shocking you from the abrupt change in pace. You worried to whine as quietly as you could into his shoulder. “Smart brats make good dumb bunnies, kiddo.” 

“I- ah- oh, fuck!” You moaned as quietly as you could in his ear. 

“Hmph, yeah, see what I mean?” 

He groaned with hot breaths against your skin, making you clench harder around his cock again. You drooled against his shoulder and whined, nearly incomprehensible.

“Ah- hng- I- feels so- good!” 

“You- fuck- like that?”

“Mhm..!”

Through his groans, Hank teased you again, “Hmm, I think you could have it a little more rough.” 

You moaned into his neck, drooling as he pounded his cock into you, stretching your hole. Whatever response you could have given, you couldn’t. He stopped pounding into you for a moment and tucked your hair out of your pretty face to look at you, holding your hand and rubbing his calloused fingers over yours. 

“You wanna bend over for me, kiddo?” 

You mewled and kissed his lips, nodding, despite how tired and sore you were. You got off of his lap, feeling cold and empty from the lack of friction. Wetness seeped around your pussy and around your thighs as you spread your legs and bent down over his desk. 

“I’m teasing you, but you really are doing so well for me,” he said, bending over and kissing your cheek. “Don’t lay your head like that. Here, sweetheart.” He put his hand on the left side of your cheek, creating a barrier between your head and the hard desk. Hank massaged your ass with his other hand, before shoving his wet cock back into you, making you moan at the feeling. 

Hank tried keeping the noises at a minimum, yet still trying to pound into you and hit the spots that made you arch farther up his stomach. You could tell he was close to cumming, but God, you didn’t want it to end. With every thrust, you could feel him becoming more tense, groaning, letting out hot breaths. His thrusts were becoming sloppier and quicker. 

“Where- oh fuck- where do you want- ah- it?” 

“Cum in me, please! Please, please please!” 

 Hank grunted as quietly as he could, almost moaning, when you felt his cock twitch inside you. Cum spurted over your walls, making your pussy clench around him. You felt bad about not being able to cum as he pulled out of you, kissing your shoulder. 

“Hank,” you said quietly as you turned around and played with your clit.

“What’s up, kiddo?” He replied in his chair, out of breath.

“I couldn’t cum,” you practically mumbled. 

“Poor thing,” he said, sitting up and kissing your face. “I’ll fix it, don’t worry.”

You played with your clit softly when he sat back down in his chair, scooting towards your pussy and spreading your legs. You watched Hank as his head moved down to your crotch, and he collected the cum that was seeping out of your hole on his fingers and raised them to your mouth. You sucked them gently, before he brought his hand back down to your hole and began fucking you with his fingers and flicking his tongue over your clit. You whined out and tried squeezing your thighs, but to no avail, because he was already using his free hand to hold your legs down. You heard the wet noises that he made as he sucked on your puffy clit, making the knot in your stomach tighten. 

“Ah- oh, fuck! Ah, hngg, Hank!” You moaned as you tried to bite your lip. You could feel his smile curl against your pussy, and you held your orgasm for as long as you could, trying to relax your muscles. Only a few seconds after, however, did you let go, pulsating and cumming all around his calloused fingers. Hank licked the mixture of his cum and yours from your hole, kissing you. 

You, sweaty and nearly incoherent from being fucked dumb, mustered up a, “You’re kissing me with cum in your mouth, but I’m the dirty one.” 

Hank laughed at your ability to joke, even though you were so tired and cum-drunk. “You got me there,” he said, kissing you again. You sat there, batting your eyes as you looked up and his foggy glasses. 

“Thank you,” you said, quietly. 

“Of course, kiddo. Thank you. You’re the best I’ve had in years.” 

You smiled. “Really?” 

“Well maybe not the best behaved, but…”

You laughed and rolled your eyes. Hank grabbed a few tissues from his closet, along with a blanket that he gave you once you hopped down from his desk. He wiped your legs off and around the base of his cock, getting himself ready for his class. 

“Don’t come to class today. Take a nap, I know you need it,” he said, putting his chair back. He kissed you when you sat down, and put his pants on after buttoning his shirt.

“I gotta get to my lecture and get this mess off in the restroom. Lock the door behind me, I’ll tell you when I’m back.” 

“Okay,” you said.

“You’re a good girl, you know that?” 

“I guess I do now,” you said, with a smirk on your face. Hank shook his head with a smile and kissed you again, before straightening himself out and walking out the door, shutting it behind him. He opened it back up and peeked in for just a second. 

“Same time next week?” He whispered. 

“Sooner.”

“You got it.” 

[technicallyoneofakind]

So...

Angel Hare

The ending kind of hit me hard. The whole series feels like a subtle critique on nostalgia and the parasocial relationships we develope with fictional characters and creators... And that despite their flaws or whatever controversy followed them, the joy, supportive words, or inspiration they gave you in that moment is still valid.

Regardless of whether the audience can trust any of the characters in this horror/mystery YouTube series, a couple of lessons can be taken away from its current ending:

Sharing media that has helped you, be it fan works or recommendations, with others is important. It could very well help keep them going just as it did you. On top of that, you might just make a new friend.

The media you grew up with and the people you looked up to may turned out be flawed, but what matters is how they influenced you as a person.

I remember thinking about Night Mind (@nick-nocturne)- I had watched his coverage of Angel Hare prior to finishing the series. I remember on New Year's Day/Eve watching his I'm Proud of You Video and feeling exactly how the main character, Jonah, felt talking to Gabby- albeit with less other worldly intervention through the screen and more the vague but still moving comfort of being reminded by a much larger creator that my art mattered. It was also 3 am and I was very much sleep deprived so I'm sure my ramblings in a YouTube comment seemed like lunacy and obsession.

I digress.

What I mean to say, is that it's okay to feel some attachment to the characters and creators you find comfort in so long as you don't obsess to the point it hurts someone. Hold onto whatever gets you through the dark times, gives you hope, faith (religious or otherwise), and strength. I can't promise you things will get better if you do, but it's still something to whether the storm.

Anyway.

Here's the link to the YouTube playlist for Angel Hare

Here's Night Mind's video on the series

And here's Crowmudgeon's video essay

[lamuradex]

I got some writing feedback today and I fear it may have broken me.

It wasn’t bad, or even poor feedback. It just kind of hurt.

Me having a bit of a meltdown below the cut.

So, some explanation.

Back in January, I entered the Cheshire Novel Prize. Basic sort of contest, near 2000 entrants, you enter your novel, 100 get through to Round Two, like 10 make Round Three, and the winner is selected from them. The first round results were announced back in April, but it's old hat to me because this is my third year entering.

And I have never made it past the first round.

I've been entering the same novel, Stitches of the Mind, for three years, polishing it up more and more each time. But I've never so much as made it to round two.

Now, I’m not surprised by this, and it’s mostly fine. Sort of upsetting, but my rational side tells me its fine. 100 spots out of 2000? 5% chance? How likely is that?

BUT one of the selling points of CNP is that every entrant, no matter how far they get, will receive feedback on their entry. Which is great!

This year though, the contest did a bit of a number on me. My self confidence in my writing, and all around need to be validated, has been a little fragile the past year, and the CNP do a lot to build tension concerning who’s made it through, so it was a long tense build up, months in advance, to a simple disappointing loss.

But I still had the feedback to look forward to.

The feedback usually takes a while to go out, there are a lot of people to email, and I was patient… mostly. Started to get a little antsy by mid-September. But today, 23rd of September, my feedback arrived. And it was everything I should have expected. A lot of nice praise, some stuff I can improve (though that was a little vague) and a final summary of some general tips.

And buried in all that feedback was this line:

"There is so much to like about this novel, and it was so close to progressing in the competition."

And that comment felt like it cracked my brain.

I was so close to progressing. And I didn't even know. But I'd still lost!

And I'd just been given feedback that, had I known it six months ago, could have meant I finally got to Round Two, which is honestly all I could hope for.

But discovering that I was that CLOSE TO SUCCEEDING!

FUCK!

I... don't really know what to do with all this. I know there's another editing run in my future, because of course there is, but I am still struggling to process this news. I'd have killed to get to Round Two, and receive even that little bit of validation that this novel is worthwhile! But no. I missed it by inches, if the feedback is to be believed. After three years I still missed it by inches.

I'm just a little exhausted now.

I think I need to go to bed. I'm a little sleep deprived anyway, having stayed up too late last night, trying to track down my past CNP feedback on an old computer. And then the new one miraculously arrived today. What are the odds?

But yeah, that's the meltdown I'm having.

How are you guys doing?

[impishtubist]

Here’s a bit of chaos: Percy raised some valid points when he didn’t believe Voldemort was back. The story sounds utterly unhinged from the outside perspective and the vast majority of the world (read: everyone but Dumbledore and maybe a couple DEs) has no clue the man has horcruxes so nobody else can think of how this is possible, why the fuck would they think this actually happened when absolutely none of them know a single way to come back from the dead 14-ish years after the fact?? There is no earthly way the Weasleys ever would’ve taught Percy about horcruxes, they probably never even heard of them until Dumbledore told Harry, so Percy has no way of knowing that Voldemort has a way of resurrecting himself, there’s no documented proof Percy has of this ever happening and it’s not like the dead are regularly coming back in Percy’s life (excluding the future event of Harry surviving the Killing Curse again). Harry is insisting he came back, but Harry just endured a horrifically traumatizing event of witnessing the death of a schoolmate and memory isn’t always reliable. Also, Dumbledore is a shady guy, we see him recruit child soldiers and seemingly do nothing to run the school despite being headmaster (meaning, what the hell is he doing all the time? It’s not taking care of student safety, that’s for sure), Percy’s right to be skeptical of the man (another shady thing Dumbledore did: only telling one person about the horcruxes, rather than the entire group of grown adults who trusted him implicitly). The entire story sounds nuts, literally who would go “of course this man, who died over a decade ago and who hasn’t been seen in person since then, has come back to life, with no explanation of how this actually occurred and the only witnesses being a man who’s been a prisoner in one way or another for almost half his life and seems to be stark raving mad and a child who just witnessed someone die and who has been in a life-threatening situation all year and is possibly having a stress or sleep-deprived hallucination, this makes total sense”? There is no solid explanation for how Voldemort came back given to most people, Dumbledore was essentially going “yes, I know exactly how he came back to life, but I won’t tell you, just trust me bro, he’s for sure back.” I’m not so sure I’d believe this story either, not until someone told me how this man managed to resurrect himself

Probably the biggest surprise to myself in my return to fandom is that I have become part of the Percy Weasley Defense Squad. Obviously not as much as I am part of the Sirius Black Defense Squad, but man, the books really did that kid dirty!

First off, he spends his life being the butt of his family's jokes for *checks notes* being studious and liking to follow rules???? Everyone is just so mean to him. Or, if they're not actively mean, they just plain don't get him, and let me tell you, that is a fucking lonely feeling in your family.

And then he goes to work for the Ministry and is once again thrown under the bus by everyone, even his boss, who is the Minister of Magic, and he's, what??? 18 years old???? Like jfc he is a CHILD!

And yeah! It really isn't all that outlandish for him to be suspicious about Voldemort actually being back! Why would he believe that without question????

Justice for Percy!

(I actually think Sirius and Percy would become quite good friends tbh. They're both outcasts in their own families. I think Sirius would be pretty fond of him actually)

[wally-friggin-franks]

hey. hey pint.

feck i forgot what i was gonne say.

uh. ye got any funny stories from t'e studio ye wanna share i guess? -🪚

pff hi shawn

uhhh i gotta think but im sure theres a few. uhhhhmmm. hm.

i mean one time i guess i was just biting mean ppl. yk as i do. jack waltzes up ta me, right, n they says, they says ta me- "hey, chomper." and thats like the highest honor ive ever recieved. idk. thats not the story i wanna tell but its somethin. its important to me. they are warm and soft like mashed potatoes

,,actually lemme try n tell multiple short ones. not including the smelly peopel/silly

one time i was like really friggin sleep deprived, right. like went a full week without sleepin. me n grant bump into eachother n it goes "first time, kid?" and i responded with some sort of unholy abomination of slurred together jumbled sounds. he goes "oh. yeah def. your first time. you get used to it. here." he gives me a SPARE FULL CUP OF COFFEE. WHERE DID IT GET THAT. anyways i chugged it like it was my life support n' i was fine for a few more days until norman caught me and dragged me, by my ear, the whole way home. basically threw me towards me couch. i think i said somethin' like "im FINE" and then immediately passed out for 2 days straight

speakin' of norman- shawn, d'ya remember that prank we pulled on it and henry that one time, where we tried SO HARD to set up little mistletoe around the studio in places we thought theyd be together. but freakign. CONNOR WHEATLEY KEPT TAKING THEM DOWN WITH THE DUMB REASON "ITS NOT EVEN HALLOWEEN" OKAY SO WHAT WE R ON A MISSION. FRICK YOU WHEATLEY FROMTHE WRITING DEPARTMENT.

um. anyways. we just ended up tripping norman into henry and they just hugged but thats a win in my book.

lets see. allison invited me over once to bake, right? so i says to her, hey, im not that good at this, i still don't trust myself around the can opener. she goes "nonesense!" .....anyways that ended with a few injuries and the most mediocre peanut brittle youve ever seen. dont ask me. we gave some to susie and she FOUGHT to give me a thumbs up bless her heart. altho i did have to empty the trash can full of the discarded stuff which like so valid. it sucked so bad im sorry miss susie cksbjf

OH MY GOD OKAY so at some point i was tired of just. throwing away my empty cleaner bottles. so i cleaned some out and started usin em as like. drink bottles. right? although i had to stop when people saw me chug them and thought i was making unwise decisions. so that only lasted a week. i think i scarred a few people for life. but the lemonade i put in em was bomb ok its not my fault

if ya want more, i can prob'ly think of more. i should. prob'ly go to bed for now, though

[cephalonserotonin]

Devstream 170 Notes

This was a great stream, fun and full of antics, I recommend watching it for yourself. Regardless, here are my highlights :) Duviri spoilers will be under the cut.

Rebb's outfit… I say this every time, but god DAMN, fashion QUEEN

DUVIRI:

I'm glad the team is happy with it!! I loved the quest, and they should be proud of it :)

The devs waiting until they see the stats to make a call on the duviri paradox as a new player start is the right choice.

Is it just me, or is there some lack of alignment between Pablo and Rebb as far as game direction that wasn't there before? It could just be Rebb's mania from sleep deprivation. EDIT: expanded on later, as Pablo stabbed Rebb in the back by not responding to her slacks liking Leon Kennedy

As usual with my boy Pablo, everything he has said about decrees is on point. I'm glad he has acknowledged the progression curve on drifter with decrees is a bit nuts but still respecting how fun the power fantasy is. He's very aware of the delicate balance, and he is a good steward. I didn't know we'll likely be getting more decrees in the future, and I look forward to seeing them!!

So many of the fuckos on r/Warframe have been saying DE doesn't play or test on Steel Path, so Rebb talking about how she and Pablo did a run on Steel Path and how they recommend approaching it was VALIDATING

Dax-inspired Warframe??? 👀👀👀

Defense objectives in the Undercroft might be revisited later.

Rebb originally wanted 10 emotions. Oh my god I want to know what they were

Discussing Calm as a potential free roam mode… I would love this for me personally, because I love exploring and resource gathering.

Confirmation that sol/terra/luna is voiced by a guinea pig, the cutest that Chris on the sound team could find.

Kullervo: new Warframe

fuckinf. DAGGERS. a pincushion boy. He's so pretty and shiny He's got a voidy syandana:

my clanmate contributes "Kullorbo from my Warframes"

Gardening: We are now on Gardening Plan v 4, smaller than previous ambitions. Rebb regrets getting community expectations so high, and they simply have to acknowledge the limitations of the team size. No Dormiview Valley for us.

Gauss Deluxe: "Space Hermes meets Mecha"

His head goes UP

Acceltra concept, which… doesn't look like the acceltra at all lol

Gauss Deluxe Kaithe skin looks sick as all hell:

Tennocon 2023: Buy a digital pack to tennocon to receive… X-shaped (for Tenth Anniversary) Syandana, which I think is terrible and will clip into everything

Gorgeous rapier skin

A smattering of other customizations showed too quickly for me to take notes on.

Q&A I had to type all this v fast so it's paraphrased Q: More bosses? Pablo: We have plans for one more miniboss Q:Does it make a difference which name you choose for Sol/terra/luna? Rebb: it's a flavour choice Q: Crafting or housing in Duviri? Pablo: We looked at making the dormizone a third base (after orbiter/drifters camp). It's complicated. We are going to look at stats for drifters camp first. Kary: We would need a very good reason to rebuild all those machines

Rebb is very happy that Duviri is out, and will be even happier when the bugs are fixed, which the team is fully committed to doing. And then there was a round of shoutouts to the great voice actors in this update. And a joke about Rebb getting food poisoning while recording a steel path test run. Watch out for raw eggs.

[very-gay-poet]

THE CORRECT POTTER CHILDREN NAMES CUZ I HATE THE CANON ONES. 

Harry and Ginny Potters first born.

Freddy Sirius Potter. 

Freddy to be named after Fred but since there's already a Fred Weasley II and Ginny canonly looked up to the twins so of course shes gonna name a kid after him. Sirius for the same reason as canon.

Next the middle child: 

I hate the name Albus Severus Potter with every fiber of my being. So his name is going to be Leo Harry Potter. 

Leo becuase Sirius is named after a star and I think they'd want to get Regulus in there as well and Leo is the Lion star so it would honour their house as well. And then to carry on the tradition, the father's name as the middle name. Since the Potters come from a long line of purebloods, the canon ones are James Flemont Potter and Harry James Potter so it would make sense that way. 

And finally (my personal favourite). 

The youngest potter sibling. 

Jasmine Minerva Potter. If you didn't know Ginny is a type of flower and so is Ginerva. And also since in the Evans family it's tradition to be named after a flower I think Harry did it for his wife and since Narcissa, who saved his life twice, and lilly, who is litterly the reason he's the chosen one in the first place, and then his wife so obviously. I think Ginny picked this one out since it just had her energy. And Minerva since....everything. 

And there we have it the Potter children and what there names should be.

[goldenteaset]

I've seen a fic suggest that Belial just didn't get to sleep very deeply, because then he wouldn't have been able to conceal himself

I just think it's funny to imagine he's so unhinged in the present day because he is severely sleep deprived. Also, I want to roll him into a blanket and let him get some rest. Poor man has been through a lot

Morning Light Hymnus mentions a million lonely nights, so I imagine he at least spent some of those nights awake. Either having meaningless sex and/ or just staring into the void, missing Lucilius

Finally, there's just something poetic to imagine that Belial spent 2000 years alive while Lucilius was essentially asleep

But I think it's valid to go with your favorite reading and do what you think is best/ most interesting! So no judgement on you letting him get his well earned rest. If anything, give him a kissie from me when you tuck him in <3

Aww, thanks anon! I like that fic's idea, too, as it makes sense that Belial would be "sleeping with one eye open" so to speak.

In retrospect, I did word that post as a bit more...angry...than I'd like. ^^; Call it "scrolling through GBF twitter is difficult sometimes" syndrome. You make a lot of good points, like the "million lonely nights without you" line and the comedy of him being unhinged through lack of sleep. ("Let's sleep together~. No, really. Please. PLE--"

I'm definitely taping "But I think it's valid to go with your favorite reading and do what you think is best/ most interesting!" to my forehead, by the way. Because yeah, we all have different interpretations of the source material, and that the source material allows for that is really fun in the long run.

(And I will definitely give him a kiss in your stead! He kisses almost everyone else on the head before bed in my fics, he needs that good-sleep charm too. ;v;)

[iwonderwh0]

As someone with really fucked up chronic insomnia, if I learned anything about sleep and sleep deprivation it's that your experience of tiredness/sleepiness is extremely subjective, often illogical and sometimes having slept a whole night you may feel significantly more tired and miserable the next day than two-three whole days without a minute of sleep at all (you may actually start feeling kind of great and positive and needlessly excited after a certain point of sleep deprivation). If it teached me anything it's that even one night with poor quality of sleep can make you feel terrible and it's valid to say and feel tired/sleepy/etc even if someone has it “worse”.

If I ever hear someone complaining about sleeping poorly and go “Oh, it's nothing, I have only slept 5 hours last week, it's my 84's hour awake and I feel like going for a run because I am incapable of feeling sleepiness, so you're doing great and have no right to complain” or something of that matter please shoot me like a rabid animal. I literally felt much worse on some meds while sleeping regularly than I did recently after 90+ hours awake

Has anyone else noticed that as a society, we’re shamed for wanting to sleep? Sleeping in is bad, naps are only okay if they’re 20 minutes, you cant be tired unless you’re a <insert career/lifestyle choice here>, so on and so forth.

I mean, I think we all need to spread our blankets out, cuddle a pillow, and go to sleep. Everyone needs more of it, fuck this “it’s not productive” nonsense. It’s okay to sleep, it’s okay to want to sleep. You’re not lazy because of it.

[naturalbornlosers]

hiiiii bishop <3 i still havent watched m*a*s*h YET… but psychoanalyze me :) bc idk who any of them are other than what i have absorbed through your rbs and im curious abt ur opinion

HKJDFHJGK YES OMG HI JINX…. OKAY SO this is gonna get LONG. take everything i say with a grain of salt as someone who hasnt finished the show And has my own perspective on the characters . but.

in terms of hawkeye pierce, he's a man who is so determined to save people even at his own expense that early on in the series, there's an episode where he is sleep deprived to the point of danger for himself and others, but the patients keep coming, so he doesn't stop working. he's kind in a way that you don't expect, because he can seem brash and crass. he's a flirtatious troublemaker who resents the war and a pacifist who refuses to carry a gun, and he's got these intense moments of… i can't really explain it. melancholy is too light a word. but in an early/mid-series season, there's an episode where he expresses such intense hopelessness at the situation while laying down in a truck with BJ standing over him. you'll understand when you see him, but he's very clearly in a state of despair he masks with his humor and flirtations and mischief, but he knows if he goes home, then that means there's less of a chance of the kids that come in making it home, so he stays. despite desperately wanting to be home.

KLINGER MY BEST FRIEND KLINGER!!!!!!!!!!! okay. klinger is a hard one to pin down because behind all the schemes to get out of the army (literally has written dozens of letters saying they're from home about relatives dying, being pregnant, or both. you'll see) there's just someone who wants to go home so bad it hurts. he's a funny and genuinely very kind person. at the end of the day, when someone needs him, he's there. he takes care of the blood drives during emergencies, he has a deep fondness for anyone who's close with him, and in spite of everything happening around him, he's still doing his best to stand his ground on not wanting to be in the army, but never neglecting the bonds he's made. he's also deeply fashionable, and can seem rough around the edges (has tried to kill people in the show), but to me, he seems like a fiercely loyal friend once you've earned his loyalty.

margaret is so. i love her so much in the later seasons, but you may be confused by that when you first meet her. strict and by-the-rules. she is a stringent and very strong-willed woman with real skill as a nurse, yet is a snitch who will demand people be discharged and court martialed. but, she also grew up a military brat. she has lived by these rules - and broken them for funsies - her whole life. her military career is what she can hold onto during the worst of times. she had to become strong and cold so that she would not crack under pressure, and as she loosens up, we find out she's actually extremely hilarious and just desperately needs good friends. she comes across to me as someone who, at some point, just wants to get to stop being strong and finally be soft for a while. she has trouble being on her own because she needs the validation of a close relationship, but the best friendships she could have seem to be at times right under her nose.

father mulcahy my beloved ♥♥♥♥………….. okay. so, he's genuinely one of the best characters imo, due to the amount of complexity afforded to him in the bit of screentime he gets here and there (increasing by season). he needs to be needed. he desperately needs to feel useful and recognized for his work, but he often feels as if the entire camp doesn't need him whatsoever. he's very compassionate and considerate, generous and kind, shy and studious, and is always there when someone needs a listening ear. problem is, i think the fact he hardly has anyone he can go to for the same contributes to his low self-esteem. he's also a boxer, and is shown to have trouble with anger here and there, but he keeps it well under control. he is a man of intense faith in an impossible situation. he's a comforting figure for so many, and too humble to realize what an impact he's made.

radar is kind of similar to father mulcahy in that he's very kind, but whereas father mulcahy is kind and wise from his years of life experience and study, radar is the kind of person who can seem very naive unless someone knows him - and in some areas, he really is naive. he gets involved in mischief here and there, but he also struggles with socializing and being seen as an adult. in the show, he's roughly 18-19 when s1 starts (he was in high school when he was drafted), and he's a farm boy from iowa whose family was very strictly methodist, and as such, sorta sheltered him. he goes to hawkeye and trapper and BJ for advice a lot of the time - especially hawkeye - and tends to lean on them for support in the usual growing pains of being a teenage boy in a situation no kid should be in. he loves animals and children and has been shown to be excellent with both in the show. he's just… genuinely such a good person, with a great heart, and with so much going on around him that'll stick with him for the rest of his life. and he's one of the first to point out how unfair this war is to any human being when asked. i think he gets underestimated a lot, if that makes sense.

ah frank………you know what, frank is a mess. he's strict and rule-abiding to the absolute extreme and is often the first to raise a fuss, but there's these beautiful moments in the midst of all the chaos that remind you that he's still a person. he went through some pretty shit ordeals as a kid, and he explains that the reason he became a snitch was to have someone to talk to. he's expressed multiple times he's never had friends, and always been very alone, and as such he became the person he is today. in a way, i think his rule-abiding nature is in part an effort to get people to like him, but he doesn't understand that he can't force others to do the same things as him, and individuality is an important thing that he just cannot grasp. but, from what i've read, there's hints that he was written partially as a closeted queer man, which makes sense in some manners when we discuss the idea of the ""ideal"" army doctor and what masculinity at the time looked like, vs everything he is. i think he's fascinating in the way a wasp in a jar is fascinating. he's got some depth, which can be fun to pry into.

i hope this wasn't too much of a ramble. make of this all what you will, but thank you for sending this bc i loveeeeeeee talking abt these ppl <333333333333

[valkerymillenia]

Disjointed sleep-deprived venting and unedited word vomit under the cut. Seriously, it's just very long nonsensical rambling about feelings.

It's stupid, I'm just trying to make sense of my thoughts and suffering. Ignore me

...

God I'm having a really rough night.

I haven't been able to sleep much at all tonight because I've been stuck in a bit of a thought spiral, it's something that has just been piling up, snowballing for months now, and today it just came to head and I can't stop thinking about it. I should be sleeping but I can't stop thinking about it to the point where here I am lying in bed and crying because I can't help myself and since I don't feel comfortable actually venting with anyone else, because every time I try to speak to someone I care about about my own feelings and problems and securities, I can't, I don't know how to express myself, the words don't come out, my brain just stalls, blanks out, and I forget everything I wanted to say and my default reaction is to smile and say everything's fine, that I'm okay because I just can't bother people, I feel like focusing on my own emotions is not good, I know it's wrong but part of me just hates talking about myself because it feels selfish and it feels wrong and I don't want to bother anybody ever... and I also fear that if I actually start talking a dam is going to burst and I'm going to start crying and then I'm going to feel humiliated, and I don't want to put anybody through that and make anyone uncomfortable.

So I'm going to vent here where I can actually think these things through by writing them and trying to feel better here where everyone could just ignore me so I don't actually have to bother anyone no matter how much I would like somebody to understand or to validate how I feel. Feels safer this way.

One of the bigger problems I've been having lately is my self-image.

I just really really hate looking at myself right now, I feel disgusting and ugly and it's not just my appearance; I just feel so unworthy and flawed in every way and it's pathetic because that's not how I see the rest of the world, from an appearance point of view I've always been the kind of person that I can find beauty in everybody (both physically and non-physically, I can always find something I like about them every time, but let's just talk physically right now), I can look at other plus size women and see the beauty in them every time, I can look at literally anybody and find something I like about them because I focus on the positives in them.

And, as a side thought, I'm the kind of person that loves makeup, not because I think we need it to be beautiful but because I see it as a form of art and self-expression and I've always had this philosophy that everyone has something about themselves that's beautiful and they just need to find it in themselves and highlight it to the world and be proud of it. I see makeup as a great tool to discover that in ourselves, not by falling social beauty standards by trying to look the way society tells you to, but by exploring and testing things out until you find something you really like and highlighting it. But I can't do that with myself lately because no matter what I do all I see is flaws.

Here's the thing, I don't even know if I've actually gained weight or not lately, most people tell me I haven't but I feel like I have, and it's stupid because I don't care about other people's weight, I think all plus size women are beautiful in their own way but... I hate looking at myself, it's not just the weight, it's everything, it's my face, it's my hair, it's everything.

And it's so so stupid because I'm not even vain, I don't want to be "beautiful", I just don't want to hate myself and I do.

Why is it so much worse now? I don't know, I don't know why it's gotten so much worse to this point but I have some theories.

I mean, in the last several months things have gotten bad in my life and I have isolated a lot so I haven't really had many chances to feel pretty, I also haven't had chances to do the things that make me feel confident like cosplay and such.

Unfortunately, I haven't had much chance to do that hobby lately, and all my the special occasions in 2024 fell through, everything went wrong, so I haven't had the chance to feel pretty lately.

And then there's the fact that I don't get positive reinforcement from most people around me, at least not in the last few months, and it's not their fault obviously, I'm the one isolating so it's not their fault but it makes me feel insecure, I don't get told that I'm worth anything, that I'm in any way attractive, not even by the people I love most and it's not like they need to do that (obviously), it's not like it's mandatory, but sometimes I just want to be validated and I don't get that, not by my loved ones, family, and I don't really have that many friends.

I only have one friend that says I'm pretty but she's the kind friend then I can't really believe in that aspect because I know she will say anything to make anyone feel better, so I can never really tell if she's being honest or not, in fact I feel like she's not being honest because she herself is so obsessed with beauty standards and has such bad body dysmorphia that it worries me, so the fact that she's so obsessed with beauty in general and then insists that I'm so pretty makes me feel like it's a lie.

But other than that, it's not even about not getting that validation, it's more because I get a disproportionate amount of negative feedback, so it's like I don't get enough good validation to overlap the bad shit.

You have no idea how many people constantly criticize me every fucking day, half of them wrap it and concern or care when in reality it's not, and the other half just makes me feel like I'm not good enough, be it friends or family, be it random people in the street who think they're entitled to say something about my life. I am constantly bombarded with criticism about my looks, even the things that I'm actually proud about and make me feel good about myself, those are things that are always wrong to everybody else and this has been my whole life.

And this, my whole life, it's not even just physical. Yes,I'm constantly being told that physically I'm not good enough, like everything about me is wrong, but it's also everything else about me. For a long time I wasn't diagnosed, and for many years I wrongly diagnosed, so a lot of these things I didn't know were because of my mental health problems and people just acted like they were character flaws, like I wanted to be this way and therefore I was bad for it, I was lazy, I was messy, I was disorganized, I was too eccentric, unusual, odd, I wasn't polite enough, I wasn't nice enough, I wasn't expressive enough, emotional enough, pretty enough, I was too thin and then I wasn't thin enough, I wasn't elegant enough, tactful enough, proactive enough, I wasn't hardworking enough or communicated enough.

Everything about me has always been criticized, and while I'm trying to come to terms that a lot of those things are not my fault because I was never doing them on purpose or because they're just a result of genes or health problems, even if it was not a choice people still always managed to make me feel so shitty about all of it.

So yeah, it's this disproportional amount of negativity about me and so very very little validation, so very little positivity.

I'm not asking to be flattered, I'm not asking to have my ego stroked. I'm not really vain, I've been accused of being vain or arrogant but I'm really not, it's just that I have a lot of difficulty expressing myself in ways people find socially acceptable.

Obviously, I like feeling pretty and worth something, who doesn't? But that's because I have so little in terms of self-confidence (ow anything really), I just like expressing myself and I just wish people who I care about, whose opinion is actually important to me, would validate me in the sense of acceptance, nothing else.

It just feels like nobody really wants me around, and it's not even their fault, they haven't had the opportunity to show it, but like I said it's been so many months of everything just going so wrong and not having enough contact with people I love... So looking in the mirror is starting to become like torture.

So it's not just physical, that's just the tip of the iceberg, yes, the physical is an expression of everything else and I'm having a lot of trouble showing my face because of it, but it's not just physical. I just feel like I'm not worth anything lately, and I miss the people I really love so much, I have seen them so little to the last year it hurts.

As for other things, other intrusive thoughts... I am not a young person okay? I am in my thirties and I feel completely stagnant.

My dreams were never very lofty, I don't have crazy impossible desires or dreams, I've always asked for simple things and settled for the bare minimum, because I'm very aware of how hard life is, I have very simple goals and dreams, perfectly achievable ones, and yet I can't achieve a single one and the reason why is because I have spent my entire life sacrificing for everyone else, taking care of everyone else and never myself.

Hell, I feel like I'm never going to achieve any of my specific dreams because I've wasted my life, I've put myself on hold for so long for everyone else and now they're just so dependent on me, they take me for granted so much, and they expect me to be a rock so much that I don't know how to do anything else, I just can't stop because I don't know what else to do anymore, I never got a chance to explore and find myself, I don't know how else to exist other than take care of others, I feel like I have no worth on my own so at the very least I can be useful to others, it's the only thing I have, the only thing I know how to do is take care of everyone else.

My life has been on hold forever and nobody cares, they just keep taking and don't see that I'm an individual too and that I'm drowning, the just expect me to always be there and don't ever ask what I want, and I never speak up, I never say no, because how can I? If I don't help, who will? And I don't know what else to do anyway, I've already wasted my childhood and teens, I never learned to be any other way, what am I going to chase now? I hate myself for being this way.

I could never focus on myself, never had a chance, and now it's starting to feel like I never will be able to focus on myself, I have to be everyone else's rock and I have none for myself because I can't even let myself lean on anyone (do I even deserve it when it's my own fault? When I know what I'm doing is wrong but I can't change either way?), I feel like I'm drowning.

At some point, when you have no other goals to achieve, when you believe your goals have become impossible, when you feel like you're running out of time, you just stop having something to look forward to, to live for, and then you start to wonder why you're even still here. Why not just give the fuck up and die? You don't even have anything to leave behind and be remembered by, so why not just quit and stop suffering for nothing?

And then you remember it's because those people are still needing you, because you still have to take care of them and nobody takes care of you, and then you just want to die even more but now you feel selfish about it.

When you spend your whole life taking care of everyone else and never yourself, when everybody takes you for granted, when everything about you is put on hold for other people, you stop asking for things, you reach a point where asking for anything, even the most essential things to your survival, starts feeling selfish, you're just feel terrible every time you try to talk about yourself, every time you try to ask for something, every time you try to plan something, you feel like you're being selfish.

And if things fall through and go wrong, then you feel bad and then you start feeling incredibly selfish and stupid for feeling bad, and I have so little that when something does go wrong it feels huge, I feel really really terrible and then I feel bad because I felt bad.

I have so few people in my life that are near to me... I don't really have much in terms of friends, not real life friends anyway, and unfortunately my family and other people I love and really care about are scattered around, not just around the country but even outside of it, so I don't really get to see the people I love often, and in the last year (more actually) I've seen them so very very little, and it hurts so much...

But now I'm afraid of seeing them because I want to spend as much time as I can with them while I can but I am so afraid of being selfish, I'm so afraid of of doing that because I'm afraid I'm asking too much, I'm afraid of overstaying my welcome, I'm afraid of being a burden. I want to be with them so badly but I feel like all I will be is a chore to them, an intrusion, that I have nothing to offer in return.

Then once again, this is like the physical appearance thing all over again, I don't think anybody needs to earn love or earn approval from other people, especially their own family, I'm going to love my loved ones just for existing, just for being there, I'm going to want them to be with me, but when the shoe's on the other foot, when it's the other side, when it's me, suddenly I feel like I have to earn everything and I feel like I don't deserve them.

I feel like I don't deserve fucking anything because I'm not good enough, because I don't do enough and I constantly feel guilty because, like I said, my life is just taking care of other people and when I try to do something for myself, even for a little bit, I feel like I'm being selfish. I feel like I don't deserve their affection and I know it's incredibly stupid but I can't help it.

The truth is, the way I was raised doesn't help because people kept hammering into me that I needed to earn everything, that I needed to deserve everything, and I know a lot of them to do that on purpose (not all though, generational trauma and all that) and I know what they did wasn't right but it stuck with me. Anyway, they made it so that I had to help people not because I wanted to but because I thought I had to.

For example, with family I want people to help me, to care for me, to do things for me because they wanted to do those things as an act of love but when it comes to me I've been forced to do a lot of these things not because I wanted to do them, not as acts of love, but because they made me believe those things were mandatory (I would have done them anyway if they just asked but they didn't, they ordered and demanded and shamed). For example, when I visit a certain relative I'm the visitor and yet I'm put to work, I have to do all the chores, clean, cook, take care of them because I have to,I have to earn the right to be there for a little bit, and I would have done those things anyway as an act of love but they made me do them through shame and demand and then berated me repeatedly either for not doing them enough or for not doing them well enough or for not doing them immediately, for slacking or being lazy or taking too long. That's why at some point they convinced me that I had to do all those things, I needed to deserve a place there, I need to earn it, so it was no longer in act of love, it became a way to make myself less of a burden.

And this happened with several people in my life and my family when I was growing up and after I became an adult, so now when I'm with people I really love, people that I know won't even demand these things of me, I still feel like I have to do everything because otherwise I don't deserve to be there, I'm just going to be a burden.

Heck, one time I actually ended up having a very stupid fight with my girlfriend because I insisted on doing the dishes and she didn't want me to we're both neurodivergent so neither of us way getting the subtext the other was putting out or communicating right, as a result I just felt like I had to do it because I felt I needed to pitch in, I needed to earn a spot there because that's what my family taught me my whole life, but on her side it felt like I was insulting her, like I was demeaning or criticizing her, like I was making her feel like a child that couldn't handle herself, and that's not at all what I intended but we didn't communicate properly so she ended up crying and then I ended up crying because I made her cry, I ended up feeling horrible and I had to leave the house to give her space but I couldn't stop crying, I felt like the worst person in the world and I still feel guilty about that to this day because I hate hurting people, and it's so fucking stupid because it was all over washing a few dumb dishes!

Gods, my brain is so fucked up.

Yeah, I'm rambling and going on really stupid tangents and crying, but I can't help it, the anxiety and intrusive thoughts have my brain in knots and I'm just spewing out everything that comes to my head while I'm trying to make sense of my stupid thoughts.

And I know this all feels silly and weak, I know these feel like first world problems and I know I have bigger things to worry about because I am not a privileged person at all, I'm currently unemployed struggling with so many other things, but I guess I needed to get all these specific things out one way or another.

So I'm sorry to word vomit all over your dash but hey, that's why I put text cuts and luckily you can ignore this all you want. See, there I go trying to justify myself and feeling selfish again simply for expressing my feelings on my own blog, which nobody needs to actually look at, here I am feeling selfish for expressing myself or for wanting anything for myself, even if it's just relief.

I am so fucked up in the head.