#since then ive learnt many things about cooking

[astralriver]

I hated your salad,

I never told you but I know you knew, you knew you put too much vinegar, that the taste was overbearing, sat in the bowl for hours like the dredges of sink water

I never told you but there was a skin that clung to my throat with every mouthful of vinegar, the bowl to my lips I could feel it clawing down my throat, stuck at the table for hours because you made it wrong

I never told you but I could see how weak you were, tried to convince me that was my doing, if I just acted better, if I listened more, if I drank the vinegar until it gushed from my throat, then maybe it would all stop

And when it did

When it finally did, I found people who offered honey, olive oil, garlic and vinegar, just enough of each, they became my own flavours far from yours

In my kitchen for hours, learning and growing, if I am kinder to myself, if I speak up, if I take up space, it was never my fault I never told you, but I know you knew

I hated you and your fucking salad.

[sun-stricken]

Gray, Lyon and Ultear family ideas? I like to imagine Gray tells them about one of fairy tail’s exploits and they get concerned about his well-being. Mandatory family trips thatGray definitely doesn’t try to avoid (Lyon and Ultear have learnt to alert the guild when they’re coming so Gray can’t escape).

And if you don’t mind, Gray and Loke being BFFs?

Thanks! This blog makes me happy

im so happy you enjoy my blog!! i enjoy it too ;D

i’ve actually made a post similar to this before, but heres more

ty for the ask and sorry this took a while, ive been busy

Once a month (at least) family trip are a must, It started with Ultear dragging Lyon places during the 7 year gap but it started being a more regular thing when Gray turned back up

the first couple time they tried to do things together, it was a disaster

they werent familiar with each other and were hella awkward

Also, when Lyon & Ultear would mention to Gray they were coming into town, he would try to convince the team to go on an impromptu job

they’ve since learned to warn Erza of their arrival so he cant leave

‘abt to come into town, do not let that mf leave’

‘Guarding the doors & windows rn’

Grays probably walked into the guild to see one or both of them and turned right back around

The first time the showed up when Gray wasnt around they got a shovel-esque talk

it was terrifying and also confusing considering they think of themselves as his siblings so shouldnt they be giving those talks?

Ultear really embraces her oldest sibling role and pays for practically everything they do together

While Gray will try to avoid in person outings, he will blow up their phones (lacrima devices, whatever) at all hours of the night

Lyon probably has a 16 step skin care routine that he tries to nag the other two into trying it

its a fools quest tbh

They argue. so much. cannot do anything together without a disagreement. they probably have fist fought each other too

They are fiercely protective of one another, they can be pretty subtle about it but its clear as day to anyone who even slightly crosses them

They as a whole have a gambling/betting problem

They have run their pockets dry with it

They have been kicked out of multiple restaurants for being too loud

Gray tells them off-handedly abt the jobs and events he went through while growing up in Fairy Tail and they just sit back and listen in horrified fascination

they have absolutely no planned photos of them, they just never got around to it (*coughcough* grayrefusedtobeinone *coughcough*)

however! they have soooo many candid ones, Gray glared and complained when he found out (but he has half of them framed or saved on his phone)

Ultear and Lyon got pretty close duriny the 7 year gap and while Gray swears hes not jealous of it he totally is

Ultear, Lyon, & Gray; Guilt Complex Extraordinaires

Loke & Gray things :D

Nobody knows if Loke had a house, he always crashed on Grays couch

They are the reason for the sassy man apocalypse

When Lucy lets him have a day off his first stop tends to be Gray

Loke taught Gray how to cook

If Gray gets mad at him, Loke will attempt to deescalate it by flirting

Grayll be scolding him and Loke will stare at him and say smth like “are we about to kiss right now🥰”

it only serves to make Gray more angry

Orange cat friend + Black cat friend

Theyre the type to know in detail each others existential crisis’s but not each others favorite color

they do not have blackmail on each other. none. because they know if they ever did and actually released it the other would post absolutely every single humiliating thing they’ve done ever

There is no such thing as a judgement free zone with them

Their tastes are so different that when they have to get gifts for each other that if they look at smth and think “wow this is so ugly” they know its the right one

they probably hooked up at some point but thats neither here nor there

Loke, Gray and Cana were kinda like the mean girls of young fairy tail

They had a dont ask dont tell policy on their pasts, however every other personal detail abt each other was free reign

A lot of their conversations have left them with a sense of dread, confusion and hysteria

Lokes the type to walk into ppls houses like its his own, his most common victim is Gray

Loke, pulling the shower curtain back: Were out of ch— stop screaming

Gray, still screaming: HOW DID YOU GET IN MY HOUSE???

Loke, nonplussed: You left the kitchen window unlocked, also we’re out of chips

SORRY ITS SHORT!!

[saatvicksaxena]

Saatvick’s Summer 2022

This year’s summer was actually quite memorable, last time I remember having such a summer was in 2018,

The year I visited Singapore, played an Asian Tennis Tournament and got International ranking. 2018 was also the last year I spent in Delhi before moving to Shillong because of my father’s posting . He is in Army and I have been to quite a lot of places with him.

2022 Summer was great because this summer was probably the first summer closest to the summers before Covid.

I did travel a lot during covid but not one of my trips were as long as this one.

Summer began with a sense of relief as my first Board exams ended, I was now a Highschool senior with way more responsibilities than before. I had a more clear direction of what I want to do when I grow up and have had the chance to revive many hobbies activities since my 10th was all academics. I did a lot of career counselling .

This summer, that I cant thank enough, was a checkpoint, it made me more calm. I had time more than enough to organise and orient myself and my activities.

The first thing I did when the exams ended was to fix my sleep schedule and sleep peacefully for a few days. After a week full of binging the series I missed out on I scheduled a daily and weekly routine which included swimming, reading, working out and Tennis.

It was a very hard motion to set for me to play tennis straight after breaking my wrist in 2019, I was willingly not playing tennis because of one simple reason, regret of not playing for an entire year and I kept on running away from it till this summer.

I visited my hometown and met most of my relatives which made me feel loved, we could not participate much in family events recently over the last few years because of our busy schedules so this was also a once in a blue moon kind of an adventure for me. We visited many more cities with our buddy Woofy, he is a Labrador . We went on long drives to a few other places.

I also met a lot of my friends during the vacation.

Then on we took a tour of Delhi, the place where we live. I got an electric guitar too which I used to annoy everyone within the range of my amplifier. It was a great experience for me maybe because I was out of the same old cycle, that I followed for an year.

10th grade sure did teach me discipline and consistency. 

I visited my father, who is posted in Manipur, I travelled through flight alone .  he is posted at an extremely remote region which is about 30 km from Myanmar. That was a great way to escape the Delhi heat at its prime( It was 45 degrees when I left).

Hiking, football and travelling to numerous places were the highlight of this trip.

Life is simpler on hills, nature finds its way to one no matter what.

I cant even count the number of places Ive seen and people Ive met. I gained experience and knowledge.

It was cloudy all day there with bright sunshines intermediately, comically the heat of the sun was comforting since it was raining everyday there. We could hear the wind whistle at dark where no lights could be seen far off. The  clouds even visited the habitants who had settled at the top of the mountains. Rivers, waterfalls and tribal villages were the best part of the trip.

Every glimpse was a painting.

I followed a strict Detox diet with my father and was forced to eat and drink stuff I couldn’t even pronounce, did yoga and meditation.

I have had the habit of touring whatever work my fathers been appointed for, he was in DRDO & RCI once, from where I picked up the interest of aeronautics and astronomy. Currently he is in NHAI so I got to learn various processes involved in making roads, believe me its not as simple as just laying concrete down on fields, it took me five days to just process what I saw there.

I visited museums, monuments and labs.

I tried to play video games but they bored me.

I could only bake till the day I learnt to cook food and learnt recipes and become more self reliant .

Music has been a companion to me throughout this journey.

And social media too, I posted literally everything even after the several attempts I did to reduce it influence on me, but I dont regret it either way because my vacation was productive and I enjoyed it.

I grew taller over the days and starting smiling more frequently. I learnt a lot of things, and revived old habits.I finished school syllabus for the first exams before school started.

I came home to find our two turtles greeting me with their intense paddles in their pool and raise their necks high up to see me. My Summer was very rewarding. It was spent exploring and discovering the very little of life that I knew of.

I returned to Delhi a day before the school reopened and hyped myself to start a new academic year with hardwork and devotion. I finally created a list of things I wanted to achieve by the end of 2022.

[ginawesome-blog]

Here is a summary of my weightloss story🧡

I will make another post about how I eat soon🌻

My weight has been an issue for me my entire life. Growing up ive always been the funny fat one who hated physical aticity more than anything. In fact, I could cry my self to sleep if I knew we were going to have gym the next day. I got physically sick if we had mandatory activities.

When I was 15 I found out I have PCOS (cysts on the ovaries, which fucks up your hormones and makes it easy to gain weight and a lot of other stuff) and a nutritionist was going to help me lose weight for the first time. I was 84 kg and ready for change. She gave me a strict diet, telling me what to eat every single day down to the gram. It was horrible and super effektive. I lost 20kg in 5 months, without working out. But I didnt learn anything about how to eat like a normal person and it only worked like a temporary cure. I moved out from home, started "cooking" my own food, started drinking, and so over time I gained 30kg🎉

So there I was. 96kg at162cm. Miserable and unhealthy.

Summer of 2012 I had a power moment. I decided that enough was enough and I joined a gym and threw out all the unhealthy food in my apartment. At the gym I spent 30 minutes on the treadmill and 30 minutes on random machines. I was doing research on how I should eat, tried many different diets and it was effektive. One day  my dear friend Mari showed me how to deadlift, squat and benchpress. And we noticed I was getting strong faster than my friends, and after some time discovered powerlifting excisted. What an amazing sport! Being active, lifting heavy shit, pushing your self and just feeling so strong and confident!

In 2015, after some yoyo weightloss, I contacted @coachsvein aka @styrkebror. Very smart💥 at this point I weighed arround 80kg.

He helped me learn about calories and food og made a workout program for me.  (this is also when I learnt that you dont have to do cardio to lose weight😍)

Summer of 2016 I qualified for nationals. I weighed 70kg. And started thinking about trying to reach the 63kg class and go for the current squat record of 17,5kg. The dream started.

But somewhere a long the road I lost my self. My mind was messed up. Everything was about numbers. My bodyweight, calories, waistline and what I was lifting. I became obsessed and I let these numbers define me as a person.  I was miserable on the inside.

To paint a picture of how bad it was, when I went on vacation to Albania, I got up at 7am every day to go for a fucking run. Even tho ai hated every step. I felt guilty for everything I ate, lifted weights daily and it was just horrible. This is not how a vacation should feel.

I will never forget the feeling when I got home and weighed my self and realised I would not make it to 63kg in time for nationals. I cried for hours and barely got out of bed. I felt like a complete failure.

I took some time off work and tried to pick my self up again.

When i competed in nationals in october 2016 i came in 4th in - 72kg and I was very happy with this. But the dream off 63kg class was still there.

February 2017 at regionals I was 69kg, and not mentally healthy at all. I meal prepped, counted calories, declined social events and would punish my self I thought I ate too much.

March 2017 I found out I was accepted to volunteer in Zambia for a year, where I knew I would have to let go of control. So I started there and then. It felt like a huge weight off my shoulders that I wouldnt have to complete or think about weight.

August 2017 I left for Zambia. 75kg.

Zambia was like a reboot. No one cared about any of my numbers. Gaining weight and being called fat was a good thing. I had to eat what I was given by my host family. I partied a lot. I worked out 4 times a week. I gained another 10kg

So summer of 2018 I came home. I had managed to keep a lot of my strength and I weighed 85kg. I knew I wanted to lose weight again. But this time I was going to do it in a healthy way that would last.

The fact is Ive lost 22 kg since july18, at the same time Ive been keeping my strength and getting stronger in all lifts. Ive eaten candy, chocolate, ice cream or pizza every time I really felt like it. Ive have had one to many beers when I wanted.

and to be honest it hasnt been really hard

Ive focused on the long term weightloss and everyday healthy habits. No calories or cm counted. Tho I have to mention that Im happy I learned how to count it, cause it taught me a lot about what I eat and helped me understand it better. But I never want to do it again.

So what did I do?

🌻Choosing to get enough sleep, aka keep a bedtime, no matter how good that serie on Netflix is

🌻 Walk a lot through out the day, normally arround 15000 steps

🌻Eat a lot of vegetables and fruit, which keeps me full and happy

🌻I eat when I can feel that Im hungry, not when I planned to

🌻 When I choose to eat high calorie food, I make some changes the other part of the day so I dont get way too many calorie. Also I try to never feel guilty. Regret is a choice. I wanted it. I ate it. Its done. Now keep going and make the next choices according to your goal.

🌻I have weighed my self every day, which I think has been so frikkin smart. It has made me more relaxed when the numbers shift, it has showed me the progress over long time, and it has showed me that Im in control, without be coming obsessed.

Now I am stronger than ever. Both physically and mentally.

Like I said, my weight has been an issue for me for my entire life and Im pretty sure it always will be at some level. But it doesnt control me, my decisions, my mood or my life. Yes, there are hard days or moments where my mindset is challenged, but they pass. Cause I work on it.

Im sharing this cause people have told me my honesty has helped in the past. Maybe it can help someone again.

And if you thought this was the longest story of your life, just imagine what @coachsvein has been through for the last 4,5 years. I think ive told him every detail about every feeling regarding these things. He has helped me so much and given so much of his time to me. Free of charge. And I would truly NEVER ever be where I am today if it wasnt for him. Thank you for never quitting on me❤️

Thanks for reading❤️

[secretsideofme95]

This Is My Story!

So, I’m just going to get all this out, I did something similar on new years, i sat down with someone and just spilled everything. I talked and talked and talked i just told everything, things ive never told anyone. But now i’m gonna get it all out, so here it is. My story.

I have never done anything like this so i am not quite sure how to do this but here we go.

Like many others growing up in primary school and secondary school i was bullied. I grew up with a lisp, i struggled with saying S and any words with it in. I had people older then me making fun of it i even had a teacher trying to convince me it was my fault and i just couldn't speak properly. At first i didn't understand why i was being asked to say words with S in it, but quickly i found out. it ended up making me so self conscious i got shy and quiet and just hid away and kept to myself. This was going on from like year 4 when i was 6/7 (i think i cant remember) Truth is from my childhood i dont remember anything good, i have no memories of anytime playing with friends going out having fun even just playing, only things i remember from my past at this time is just bullying.

In secondary school i remember again getting made fun of for my lisp, but also told i was ugly and that no one would wanna be with me. i had all these people making fun of me, i didn't fit in any of the groups i didn't even want to, i thought all this group stuff was stupid, so even just coz i wasn't part of the popular kids or the cool kids that ment bully me. people found anything to make fun of. i started self harming around 13. In school both primary and secondary i never really had friends so never had any after school activities, never went round someones house, i never went out with friends, i just went home. which i lived in a flat with my mum, a one bedroom flat. The council wouldn't move us despite my age, i had the bedroom my mum had the front room as her room. but ofcorse people still made fun of that coz we couldn't afford a house like they could.

Home, You would think that would be better but not really, i was a only child so i was on my own again, while at home i would do whatever i could to pass the time, i watched allot of movies, this is where i got into games, was a getaway, i could be someone else, i could pretend to be anyone. pretend i wasn't alone. so yes my mum was there, in a sense anyway. she would work all day and had an iron deficiency, so she would work all day, volunteering in a charity shop (another thing people made fun of me for) she would come home and just go to sleep, that was it she would go to work then go to sleep. I learnt to take care of myself, cook for myself. I became independent and i grew up i was basically living on my own at the age of 15. 

When i was 18, at college, there was this one particular day, one day that stuck with me, i came back home from college, and there was a padlock on the door and an eviction notice, the council had kicked us out. all i had was the stuff for college that day and that was it. my mum went and stayed with her boyfriend, i had to find somewhere to stay, with no close friends and no other family was harder then you'd think. luckily i found someone who i knew who let me stay a few days, it grew us closer together she ended up becoming one of my best friends, which was good coz i was homeless and for the next 7 months was the hardest time of my life, so many times i wanted to give up and end it, so many times i just couldn't carry on, i had not much of my stuff, i had no privacy, no room for myself, i had to revolve my life around everyone else, whoever’s i was staying at. for 7 months i was at college Monday to Friday all day 9am till 5pm then Tuesday till Sunday from 6pm until 11pm i had work. then then same every day. it was so hard all the stress, having to find somewhere new to stay every few days. worrying about money about college work. about normal work. about what if the day comes i wont be able to find somewhere to stay.

I wish i could say it ends there but it dosnt. since then to this day i have been homeless (well sofa surfing) 3 times. every time getting worse and worse. This really is not helping my mental health at all.

So this is not everything tho, around the time i was 18 i was dating this girl, She was blond, so beautiful, she was such an incredible girl she was perfect and i loved her. after 3 years we broke up, i still loved her, i was 18 i was stupid and acted before i though, we had got into an argument after we had broke up, started on twitter actually. Allot was said between both of us, but she was suffering from bad mental health aswell as i was, i said some nasty stuff we both did, but i tipped her over the edge, shes told me after this happened that it wasn't my fault, she was already at the point i just pushed it that tiny bit over, but she tried to commit suicide like 4 times, everything got too much for her, i didn't know about this, not until i went back to college and i saw her one day, i saw the bandages, i saw the marks, i saw what i had done to her, people have said it wasn't me shes said it wasn't my fault, but i cant help feeling guilty, i cant help thinking what if i hadn't got in that argument what if i reacted differently, it wasn't my fault yet i feel guilty to this day, 6 years later this still lays heavy on my conscience, seeing what it had done too her, i couldn't take it. This is what has made me so bad, what has turned me into this, this is what made me become this.

i have learnt from this, i think before i speak, im terrified of confrontation, im terrified of arguments, i cant walk away i cant leave people when they are upset or angry, even if i get in an argument, i cave in, i give in and i usually give them whatever they want, i dont want this happen again so i do what i have to to stop the argument even if its not what i want, even if it hurts. i cant go through that again, it would kill me and destroy me more then it already has.

This is why i dont think i deserve to be happy, what i did to her, what happened, im getting what i deserve. 

Every relationship ive had literally all of them except for this blond (including the ones before her) have all cheated on me, they have all used me, all played me. for one reason or another, i always get hurt. i pour my soul in, i give everything i can put in all effort and do whatever i can for them to make them happy, to give them what they want, and each one just takes me for grated and takes more, and more of me, slowly they are taking everything and soon there is going to be nothing left.

My family,  that dosnt exist, none of them talk to me, wanna know me, they dont even know anything about me, nothing happened just slowly they all stopped talking to me, now even if i try messaging them not a single one will reply, even when i was in the hospital for my operation. no one cared to even ask why. when i need help most, not a single one cared.

my friends, i barley have any anymore, those that i do dont live close to me. all my friends i had i lost, my 2 best friends were married (together) i was actually living with them until a month ago, until they decided to turn their back on me, give me 3 days to get my stuff and move out, they were even so nice as to give me no help, even got me fired from my job on the same day. 

my mental health gets worse and worse every day, not a day goes by i wish i was dead to be completely honest, i dont wanna live this life anymore i dont wanna live all this shit im done, but i carry on living through this shitty existence for those few people who still care. and every single day is hell fighting myself fighting my urges, being at war with yourself is the hardest battle to go through. every night i go to sleep crying, every morning i wake up wishing i hadnt. i would do anything to have a cuddle, i would do anything to just fall asleep with someone.

My love life, well thatch just non existent. in the last 4 months i had 4 dates, date 1, goes well have fun went out for a drink had a laugh blah blah blah, she said shed love to see me again soon, i was a lovely guy she really liked me. ofcorse i never heard from her again. date 2, go out for a drink to get to know each other, again goes well connected got on well im a nice guy how am i single, anyone would be lucky to have me, again, dosnt ever contact me again. date 3, so talking for ages been going round there spending time with here cuddling, then out of no where she tells me shes seeing someone after telling me she likes me but isn't ready for a relationship so might take some time for us. well that was bullshit coz she got straight into one with some other guy within a week saying she loves him. so date 4 a few weeks ago, been talking goes week meet up and yeah same story how am i single anyone will be lucky im the perfect guy shes looking for, so we arrange a date to go and have dinner together i was gonna cook for her, on the day tho she stops talking to me, dont here from her for another week, she tells me she ditched me coz she found someone. so once again same shit happens despite that she said she wouldn't and all that bullshit ... guys are not the only ones that can be dicks to people and fuck them over. i have given up completely, stopped looking, stopped feeling, stopped caring..

my sleeping is i dont even know how to explain it, i dont sleep much most nights im awake with my thoughts, i get maybe 2 hours a sleep a night if that, i just no matter how tired i am i cant fall asleep, i cant relax and switch off. im sitting here now running on no sleep for 48 hours and i cant fall asleep. so here i am writing this. when i do sleep i regularly have nightmares, bad nightmares, but ive got so used to them now, its normal to have them and dosnt even bother me anymore, used to terrify me. now i hope they are real i hope that that dream i die, is not a dream. when i sleep i feel nothing, its the closest to death ill get, its peace.

i broke my leg 3 years ago at a trampoline park, ever since then ive been in constant pain every single day, bad excruciating pain, im on strong opioid painkillers to try and control the pain, im on Tramadol, codeine and naproxen every day, and im still in pain, i cant straighten my leg, i cant walk properly. ive had surgery on it, ive done physio and it isn't helping, im stuck like this, im stuck in pain every single day and there is nothing they can do.

so you wanna know how i feel every day, inside my head im fighting a war, fighting myself, trying to find a reason to go on to get through another shitty day on this earth with things never getting any better, im tired of being alive, fed up of being someone that when things start going right or better, something rips it out from under me and pulls me back down even worse then before. im terrified of being happy, im terrified of good things. do you know what its like to be scared of just being happy, what its like being scared when you meet someone good, or make a friend.everyday im looking for something to make me feel something, because honestly now, i feel absolutely nothing, i feel empty. nothing affects me anymore,  nothing gets me low, gets me sad. everything is being taken from me. all this shit, my life has taken everything from me and the only thing that is left for this shitty life to take is my beating heat and my conscience. and im not sure how long i can hold out for, and the only reason i am is for the 1 or 2 people that actually care, they may not be close but i know it will hurt them. and i dont want them going through that. 

i would do anything to be a dad i wanna be one so bad, in my head anyway, in reality im terrified to have kids, i am terrified they will turn out like me, im scared they will go through this, im scared they will get the same thing as me, i wouldn't want anyone to live with this, i know that i dont. i defiantly would never want my own child too,

i need help, but i dont know what will, i dont know what can help. i think im too far gone and its too late. 

my life is and endless series of train-wrecks, only i have no intervals of happiness, i have no happiness or even anything close. just when i dont think things can get worse they do. 

everything one way or another fucks me over, everything one way or another at some point hurts me, /// i dont think some people are ment to be happy, and i am one of them. some people are ment to suffer. and i dont know how much more i can take. i dont see what more could happen, but im sure it will. and im waiting for the day it gets too much. i dont even know how i got this far.

I know that no one cares, not about this, not about me. but its ok.

im used to it. this is my life. this is my normal. this is the real me ... 

But this face smile, this mask ... this is what everyone else sees, ...

[toastilovethemost-blog]

First Beer Brew

Life is full of really great things, beer is one of the best of them. I’ve been drinking too much beer every since pretending not to be 16 at £1 a pint night in the Varsity, Wolverhampton (which is sadly now no more). I had never tried to make beer, so I thought I would give it a go. 

Luckily for me I had 3 things to help:

My old mate James who was as into the idea as me

Mike from work who had brewed before and was happy to pass on that sage advice

The very cool London Beer Lab around the corner from me. This is a brew and bottle shop so I could pick up all the materials and take them home on the bus

The Preparation 

We had no idea about what we were doing, so obviously we started with YouTube. Most videos demonstrate using very expensive home brew equipment, like most things the toys for brewing can get ridiculous. For a very first try this video was the money. 

Now we needed some equipment which we ended up getting mostly from Wilko’s because bog Amazon. 

At some point James made a spread sheet, this is the minimum list of stuff needed to brew.

Online you can buy brew kits where all the sugars have been removed from the grains already, this makes the process much easier. As a pretensions and arrogant pair we however wanted to do it ‘properly’.  Which in the long run was more satisfying. 

So we picked all out materials up at the London Beer Lab. All together it looked like this!

The recipe we also got from the brew shop but there is a shed ton of recipes behind a quick Google search. 

What you need is grains, hops, yeast and something to clarify the beer of impurities, in our case Irish Moss. 

Brew Day

As you will soon learn we made many mistakes, but that is what life is about right? 

Apparently the most important thing is to keep everything sanitised, so keep cleaning everything with your food sanitiser. If you do not do this then bacteria can get into the beer and make it taste sour, it might even kill you who knows. 

We started by making what is called the mash, by dumping all the grains into a massive cooking pot with enough water to cover. Then you bring the mash up to 70 degrees C and keep it there steady for an hour. If you have ever made stock before this is a similar deal, you are getting the goodness (sugars) out of the grain and into the water. Do not do what we did and forget to buy a thermometer because then you will not have a clue what is going on. If you over heat the mash the flavour of the end beer will be overly bitter. If you let the temperature drop too low you will not get enough sugar out of the grain and your beer will be weak. Our beer ended up being weak, we got about 2.5 ABV and we were shooting for 5.5 ABV. 

Now you have to separate the liquid from the grains, this is a huge ball ache. We put a big muslin bag over the rim the brew bucket, I held it in place, James pored. It was traumatic but we got it done in the end. The liquid you have now is called the wort. 

After this stage you are supposed to sparge your mash by running warm water through the grains and into the wort. We did not do this, which is another reason for our pathetically weak beer.

The boil comes next. We put the wort in the big cooking pot and topped up with water, then brought it to a steady boil and kept it going for an hour. Here you add your different hops at various times in the boil. The first hops you add give the beer its bitter flavour, those added later give more botanical notes. 

Two facts about hops:

They are closely related to cannabis which is why tins of Heineken stink of weed 

They are an ancient preservative which is probably why the were added to beer in the first place 

After the hour we let the wort cool completely and then decanted it to our sanitised brew bucket. We add the brewing yeast, put the lid on the bucket and leave for two weeks. On the lid we put an air lock which lets the gas out but no bacteria in. Mike once made plumb wine, a plumb stone blocked the air lock and the bucket exploded. It took Mike three days to clean his flat. 

Creating Worlds (for two weeks)

“Kilgore Trout once wrote a short story which was a dialogue between two pieces of yeast. They were discussing the possible purposes of life as they ate sugar and suffocated in their own excrement. Because of their limited intelligence, they never came close to guessing that they were making champagne.”

― Kurt Vonnegut, Breakfast of Champions

Bottling 

After two weeks our beer had stopped bubbling. We wanted our beer to be fizzy so we added some sugar syrup just before bottling. The remaining yeast in the beer would eat the sugar in the bottles and produce CO2 and so bubbles (if you put too much sugar in at this point, the bottles can explode!)  

Our bottles were sanitised, then we used a siphon to put the beer in the bottles, and a bottle capper to cap those bottles. I have to tell you capping is top fun, even if you don’t ever brew try capping at least once in your life.

We then leave the beer in the bottles for two weeks to get fizzy. 

Label Design 

James works in design and I work for a charity, so obviously I did the label design. I don’t know how to use Photoshop so it was done using paint, my works xerox machine and a pair of real life scissors. 

The frog itself is great and can be found at the British Museum. 

Drinking 

The beer tasted great and went down well at my families Christmas. It was not as strong as we were aiming for but if you drank three or four you would start feeling it. 

Lessons 

People have been brewing for thousands of years, giving this a go gave me a real feeling of connection to that social history. Working with the grains in particular gives you an understanding of the thing you drink and it’s relation to the world. I have also learnt a lot about what beer is. 

I have really enjoyed doing this with my friend James. The social aspect of sharing a project was not why I gave this a go, but it turns out to be one of the most important things to come out of it. Give brewing a go with your mates! 

So would we do it again? 

A Short Walk Up A Steep Hill, a Strong Beer by the Two Wolves Brewery... COMING SOON

[filmtrash]

okay lol sorry

i always feel like i  talk about my mum but like tbh nothing else is going on on this hell site lmao and honestly im doing this for my own sake so feel free to stop reading like yanno when shit just builds up like nothings even happened just a shitty argument but it just triggers me anyway but like i can already picture the chat when im like 30 and havent spoken to her in like 7 years and she’ll be all like ‘you have no idea everything i did for you as a child’ which ive ALWAYS known. like she is a good mum. she cooks me dinner and she picks me up stuff i need from the shop but like. those dinners and those random items from the shop arent gonna comfort me when im upset. it literally look me about 4 and a half years of therapy for me to learn that not being okay was okay because my own mum never taught me that. if i cried at school all i would get was ‘you didn’t make a scene did you?’ this one time a teacher called my mum because he was concerned about me and she made me APOLOGISE to him for making a scene. like jesus christ. and it just gets so much worse. **sensitive subjects**) i went through some tough as shit years concerning, well u can guess what, and my mum got called into school with the social services, they had a meeting whilst i sat outside, my mum came out of that meeting, said she was embarrassed and we have NEVER ever EVER EVER spoken one more word about it since. literally never. her embarrassment of me made me embarrassed of myself and i was too scared to speak up again and it took me 2 more years to get serious help after that. at like 13? without friends and without a mum i had to heal all by myself. from having to calm myself down to literally cleaning my own wounds when i got beat up. evidently a 13 year old cant heal herself and  because as u grow up you also go through more shit, and to go through this stage from child to adult bscly by urself is just. it’s so fucking shit. maybe 2 years ago i reached another one of those breaking points and i said to my mum i was struggling and her response; ‘how can you feel anxious, boys talk to you’ and it wasnt in a comforting way it was like her head could not programme the fact that bc i had like 1 male friend that i had poor mental health and like i remember that night so well. i remember just thinking. literally. like this is all im going to ever get and its just hurting me so much to try and find this mum im never gonna have and ever since then our relationship has been based on nothing but anger. everytime we speak its just filled with so much anger and its ME i know it is but the anger just keeps me from trusting her and needing her and ive learnt to deal with her opinions because i dont care about them because it would just be so much harder if i did. i cant imagine loving her and hearing the things she says to me. honestly, it hurts my soul to think about the childhood i could have had if maybe even she’d talked to me once she came out of that meeting. maybe i wouldnt have been 18 when i got my first real friends. maybe i would have had a relationship by now. maybe i’d love myself or respect myself. maybe i’d be able to do some of the things i can’t. maybe i’d be able to go into the shop on mothers day and be able to pick a pretty card and not worry about the message inside because i’d know it’d be true. maybe i wouldnt just see my parents at dinner and still find that hard enough. who knows, it’s unhealthy to dwell on a life you’re never going to have. i know how blessed i am to have a mum, because i know so many people have lost them and i hope i don’t appear ungrateful but it just sucks so fucking bad sometimes

[keep-your-feet]

WEEK 2 - COMPLETED

30th March - 5th April

Fair to say another successful week of isolating.

To be honest, I'm generally quite a loner and all I did in the week anyway was work, cook/eat dinner and walk the dog. So because I'm still doing this I'm ok. And my anxieties have reduced dramatically since the government out the lock down in place.

The weekends are a little different, but not much. There's so many things Ive been wanting to get down around the house I just keep focusing on the positives of planing these in and having some well deserved chill time.

We are going to miss camping in the van dramatically.. and our long country side walks and adventures we had planned for this year.. but I keep telling myself it won't be forever and to focus on the now. And right now it's vital we all do our bit and stay indoors. We even joked about having a night in the van on the drive just for a laugh 💚

This week however I wasn't able to wear make up due to an eczema flair up on my eye lid and then a reaction under my eyes also - which is strange as I've never really suffered with eczema before.. and I've not changed products or anything!

Although when all this first kicked off in China I was panic washing my hands and buying antibac (yes I was panic buying (got 3 small bottles) before it even got to the UK! and I'm so glad I did as there was none left by time it had reached us!) I got a bad flair up on my hands, to the point where they were bleeding... (This was also due to the cold weather). The pharmacy gave me some cream that wasn't supposed to sting when applying however they were so sore is did for the first few days! Soon cleared up, and it's a lot better now I've started wearing gloves also! I used this on my face and it's seemed to of calmed it so fingers crossed!

Whilst we're on health things... Gosh my IBS is all over the shop! I thought I was just starting to get to grips with what my triggers were and now I'm back to square one... Just looking at bread and the the thought of food makes my stomach gurgle and 'drop' shall we say! And I've been so anxious about running out of food I've not really been eating much! Think I've lost about 2kg these last two week!

Dave went out last weekend though and got majority of fresh stuff, and he's off out now too doing the weekly shop. I'm hoping there's going to be passata and mixed beans etc back on the shelves soon, which will then relax me into being able to eat what we have in. I'm definitely glad we did a big stick up before we went on holiday to Whitby middle of march before the lockdown and panic buying started!

The weather wasn't as nice this week, but Puppa still behaved herself.. we've learnt she likes to 'peep' out the window ❤️

Work went well also, team meetings, phone calls and banter all on slack. Although, fair to say the general 'chit chat' is slowing down.

Dave's had to go out once a day every day this week, which makes me nervous. But it can't be helped with his line of work. This week hearing him on the phone and seeing what he has to deal with has really put things into perspective as to how fortunate we really are and I'm so proud of all the effort and work he's doing to makesure other people are ok ❤️

So my top tip/what got me through this week?

Plan a head!

Focus on the now

Appreciate the little things

As I mentioned in my first post, I love lists and I always plan things!! So one thing that's helping me get through this is making a list of the things I want to do, and then planing a head to makesure we can do them. For example, we want to clean the decking, bins, cars, patio etc and usually we'd borrow my mum's jet wash, but as we can't we've bought one! And we're currently thinking of other things we need to buy ahead ready for next weekend. I've just found out that super girl, flash and arrow are back on NowTV which has made my day! And I got a 'text' message from my car telling me that it's turning off its remote settings due to not using it for a while which I thought was super clever!

They may all be small things, but it certainly does help lift your mood when your being grateful for the little things!

Over the next week or so, keep a look out on my Instagram page as I'll be sharing some 'lists to take on the world' story templates 👌

@when_we_wander

[shemakesmusic-uk]

Introducing...

Aimée.

Aimée has revealed her debut music video for pop hit, ‘Don’t Bother’. The video was directed and produced by Ovie and was filmed in various locations across Dublin. Ovie and Aimée have previously teamed up when they worked together on the hit track ‘Over Me’ with Mark McCabe. 

A trained dancer, and natural vocalist, Aimée has navigated the bumpy pop path to emerge as a confident songwriter, and an artist who is – and sounds - completely in control of her creative vision. 

We had a chat with Aimée about ‘Don’t Bother, her influences and more. Read the Q&A below.

Hi Aimee! How would you describe your sound?

“Hey! If I was to describe my ‘’sound’’ I would say … straight up Pop with old school influences! But if I was to actually describe my music I would say its like putting music to my diary. All my songs are very personal & written from the heart. I always make sure that each song I write has a meaning and a story behind it. Im not just singing a bunch of words that sound cool. There is a meaning behind every song. In the hopes that other people that feel the same way can relate and feel like the song was written for them.”

What made you want to follow a career in music?

“Lets just say I was singing before I learnt to talk … and this is true! Music has been in me forever. From the age of 3 I was telling people ‘’Im going to be a popstar when I grow up!” And since then my mind has never changed once. I know I was born to do this. (This or cooking… im a very good cook haha!)”

Who or what has the biggest influence on your music and songwriting?

“The biggest music influences for me are Christina Aguilera , Mariah Carey, Britney, Celine Dion…the list goes on. I have always been so fascinated by strong female vocalists. I studied them from such a young age and would learn to almost mimic them to be able to perfect certain styles or notes they would do.

“When it comes to my songwriting honestly my life is what inspires me to write. Im always so inspired to write about things that have happened in my life and what have made me who I am today. I have always been very open with my struggles, going through hard times and dealing with anxiety. I just always visualise little 8 year old me looking up to other artists for sharing their life with the world through their music so I wouldn’t feel alone. And try to be as much as a role model for people as those artists were to me.”

You've just released your debut single and video 'Don't Bother'. What was the inspiration behind the track and it's visuals?

“’Dont Bother’ was written about a previous relationship I was in. Where I was played by a guy that thought he could have his cake and eat it… little did he know! But thinking back to it I wasn’t actually the victim in that situation. He was. Because he lost something great! Then when he came running back I was already gone. Which is a situation a lot of girls have been in!

“It was a hard decision thinking about what song would be the right one to release as my debut single as it kind of sets the tone for the music to follow , so myself and my team had to sit down and ask  ‘’Ok.. what do I want people to know about Aimée?”  

“I decided I wanted them to know that I am a strong woman who takes no crap from a man! 😂 and luckily it was so relatable to so many other people that have been through the same thing!

“The visuals I really just wanted to just represent the song. Strong, energetic and empowering. I was just myself really, which was great because instead of putting on a look or an image iv just been able to be myself. Which I think helps people connect to me.”

Finally, what's next for Aimee?

“There are sooo many exciting things coming it is going to be a very exciting few months ahead! Single 2 is on the way … which I am LIVING for! The EP will be following after so watch this space!”

‘Don’t Bother’ is out now.

[brigidandlydia]

A book a day keeps...

hello!

I am pretty sure one of my New Years habits was to do this more, thats not happened.

But I am defiantly keeping up with reading at least a book a month, I have know idea where this new found love of reading has come from! I love it. I am spending less time on my phone because of it, i am convinced. I also to feel less anxious for it too, I just feel i use my day better if i am reading. I thought maybe it was just the self helps book where my thing but since discovering Sally Rooney, I am a changed woman...a book worm, maybe? I have just started ‘Conversations with Friends’. (Only a couple of chapters in so far but really enjoying it, as much as ‘Normal People’) I was reading the Lena Dunham book ‘Not That Kind Of Girl’,which i did enjoy, its kind of a memoir I guess, its written more like a story book than laying out fact after fact like the Lily Allen book. I enjoyed it, properly how I enjoy the series she's did ‘Girls’, whist hating Lena and her choices the whole way though, but she almost always take the root in life that you are curious how they would end but feel its always safer to take the other lane. If that makes any sense, I feel like I am making to many word here!

Also can’t believe Sally Rooney is only 27! What a woman!

I am really lovely Dolly Alderton’s podcast too! I feel its takes a couple of goes listening to the ones where you know who she is interviewing then you can get stuck into the ones that you don't know and its easier to follow I feel. But yes when she had Matt Haig on it was just the best!

Ive gone a bit dark on the podcast front I started listening to the Madeleine McCann one, whist also watching the documentary of it on Netflix! So much Maddie at the moment. 

One of my favourite podcast ‘Wobble’ is back too, presented by Jules Von Hep and Sarah Powell. Its a really good self care one, very honest and they both lovely people to listen too. 

I have to be honest I've been listening to so many podcast recently and reading so much my music has been very limited if i do end up listening to anything I end up just chilling out and listening to my favourite music youtube channel ‘BecomeSupreme’ its just really nice and chilled.

Ive just ordered some more books as I only have ‘Conversations with Friends’ I have ordered just some more self help book, some of Fearne Cottons ones, and also a Bryony Gordon. I have also been enjoying her podcasts. I can’t work out though if her books will annoy me or I will love them. I shall see.  

I will defiantly look into that ‘Eat It Anyway’ book, in the newest episode of ‘Wobble’ that i was talking about they interview Laura Thomas she's the nutritionist everyones going crazy about at the moment, the ones that wrote ‘Just Eat It’. I kinda want to read that too, I nearly said eat it! Think I need to start about cooking dinner.

Also going back to talking about New Year habits, another one of mine was cooking more food. Which I think I am getting back it, I recently bought a bread maker and I love it! just made my first load of Wholemeal in it today, and it went well! I also am really lovely making Granola, just tried a different flavoured one today, Orange, pecan and cranberries. I feel want to get better in the kitchen but finding it hard. i have a recipe book but its always so difficult to prepare for the future I find someones. I would love to know how people have such good food sometimes! I am thinking about ordering some of Jamie Olivers 5 min meals or what ever they are called. How are you in the kitchen? 

I made an amazing risotto, but that about it. And I am not really a big rice fan which i think eliminated a lot of food. 

As for Netflixs I don't really watch much, although I do find I watch more in winter than I do in summer and its getting on to winter over here so I could come though with more soon enough! Like I said further up I have just started the Madeleine Documentary thats going ok, but I really loved ‘Working Mums’ and Ricky Gervais ‘After Life’ which is awesome and couldn't recommend more! Which says a lot because i really struggle someone with series I get a bit bored and fidgety and always fine washing to hang out or bed to make!

Gigs coming up...sadly not there isn't many artist that come out here, and when they do they normally perform in the North Island (I live on the South Island) There are local that would perform in Christchurch but sometimes the drive is really of putting especially when i drive for a job. I dread getting in my car on my days off, which is another reason I would love to change jobs. There has been a couple of little events that have past and because of the nature of my job i never know if i can attend them until the last minute, when they tickets have sold out. I know this job isn't forever and will get a structured life soon enough, which is what i dream off! So it might improve when I do. I have never been to Glastonbury even though It was kind of close when I was at University, but I just loved Bestival so much! 

On to job, its by far my list favourite thing to do. Ive been getting a lot of rejection letters from all my applications so i really feel you! I honestly think I am just going to have to start my own business but know one will hire me! But I just I will just keep trying, there is something out there for everyone isn't there!

(i feel like this is a really long post, I have learnt my lesson I need to do this more so they are not so bloody long!)

Ill try and bring this post to an end as I do really need to do something for dinner!

Yes America plans have all been sorted, Ill do you a run down in my next post, as been a bit more creative so ill get some photos up too!

Do you own a cat, i always seen one in your Instagram?

I really want to get a Dachshund, Ive wanted one all my life and now am getting a bit closer to getting my residency am considering getting one...but not sure if am ready for that kind of adulthood, but maybe its like anything, there is never a right time, right?

Hopefully you enjoy these songs...

(also I really liked the Widowspeak song)

love 

lyd

x

[amuelle]

Surprise, surprise…YOU ARE the poison.

We are officially in 2019. All the people who were being cut off in 2019 have been cut off. You might just be the toxic person and now you have to deal with knowing you aren’t that great. As I just found out recently….

(Names were changed in the production of this post to protect the identity of participants…but she knows who she is and I’m not sorry….)

I think it’s important to maintain relationship and it’s not difficult to do. I’ve always prided myself on being a great communicator and maintaining relationships. I know I’m not the easiest person to love or get to know. It also takes a lot to get past my initial ‘hard’ exterior. Deep down inside past the sarcasm and smart mount…I’m really a sweetheart….Really. Its something I have complete security in. I know this about myself, I am a great communicator and friend. I was absolutely certain about it but I recently found out that that is not the experience that everyone has had with me. I rarely make new friends, however on occasion you meet someone who can make a valuable contribution to your life in the form of a new friend. I met this one lady – Lola, a long time ago when we were kids. We only became friends when a mutual friend reintroduced us in our 20s. We became a girl gang who hung out every weekend and grew close over a few years and it was a great time.

Part of adulating is accepting you aren’t always a ray of sunshine, you too can be a trash human being at times. Just because you don’t think something about yourself or are convinced you are a great human being that doesn’t make it true. Let me make a personal example – I know I’m loving and know how to show love. Just because I think I’m loving that doesn’t mean that everyone in my life agrees with that.  It doesn’t also mean that that’s how they experience me. My belief that I’m loving doesn’t negate the negative experiences people have had with me.

Recently….well not recently, Lola cut me off a long time ago but my slow ass only caught off after actually confronting the issue with her. We had a spat and I still admit I acted like a dick and I apologised for it when I realised where I had gone wrong. I apologised profusely. I apologised like I was Ruben Studdard and it was 2004, like Kobe did when he was caught cheating….I APOLOGISED…On more than one occasion and I thought we were solid but this was not the case. After noticing her distance herself I decided to reach out because maybe she was just living her life and still wanted to be homies. She didn’t respond to my text and I started to worry but I didn’t have the courage to address it. So it persisted to bother me and finally I reached out again and still no response but this time a bitch had some balls and asked why I was being ghosted. She finally responded saying “Because you are ill-tempered and thus incapable of communicating your hurt without being hurtful or catty to other people. This is my experience of you and I would rather not deal with that kind of energy”

(ROW OF SHOCKED EMOJIS AND SIDE EYE)

(THIIIIIIS BITCH)

I’ll admit that I was shocked and I wanted to further engage in the conversation but then it HIT me, she was right. In this specific scenario I was the poison. I had been a dick to her and she didn’t want to deal with me which was super fair. Did I agree with her a hundred percent, no not at all (let’s say vehemently disagree because I’m fucking awesome) but that didn’t matter because for her she had decided and she had cut me off.

I’ve seen that meme all over the socials about how if I’m the poison in your life don’t feel bad about cutting me off, we are grown and self care is important and blah blah blah….ABSOLUTE SHIYYYYTE! That shit hurts. It hurts, you will feel blindsided especially if you thought the issue was resolved. You may or may not get mad and you might want to act in the exact way that you got cut off in the first place. And that is EXACTLY what I did…..I totally did. I let my lil ill-tempered ass get to work. She clearly hadn’t thought it was of any value to notify me she didn’t want to be friends anymore and I wasn’t about to beg another woman like she gives me rounds. If I hadn’t apologised sincerely more than once I would get it but alas we were here now and a bitch got pride. After she gave me the answer I needed I also ghosted her. Then proceeded to delete her off ALL social media, whatsapp groups, deleted the reminder for her little birthday… I was all DELETE, no pause!

The deleting was definitely a knee jerk reaction. However I am NOT willing to swallow my pride and go back to talking to her about it because I am the POISON. It doesn’t mean I should just lay down and die. What exactly would I be trying to negotiate there???? I’ll tell you what, NOTHING!!!! Not one thing because she doesn’t want my friendship and that’s not a bad thing at all. Effectively, this person just said she wants nothing to do with me and that means everything relating to our former friendship had to change. I couldn’t be the only one in it and by keeping her number and keeping her on social media was just that. It’s a break up, break ups suck but they also teach you things. I am ill-tempered and don’t communicate well when I’m hurt.…BUT WHO DOES??? How many people can say at the height of experiencing the emotions that come with betrayal or an invasion of their privacy they will talk in a calm rational and thoughtful manner?  I can’t say that for myself. In fact the person who can communicate their hurt that way, I’d like to meet. I’d like to shake their hand, sponsor their life and follow them like people used to follow The Grateful Dead….. (And I’m serious!) As for being catty…shiiiiiit….I wrote that book, wrote the movie adaptation, executive produced the sound track and there is talk of a theater production. Yes, YES, YES she was right.

It takes a minuet for you to realise that your feelings are making you act a certain way. That certain way might make you not to be the most gracious human being. That said that text made me feel like I hadn’t grown, changed or learnt anything since. She drew a conclusion and it was a fair one because that was her experience. I don’t have to like it for it to be true. I am NOW not quick to be a dick but that doesn’t mean irrevocable damage wasn’t already done. I don’t dispute that at all and nor do I wanna change her mind. I’m only human and I made a mistakes. Just because you apologise it doesn’t mean the other person is obligated to accept your apology. Not only that, they are not obligated to try grow through something with you. They don’t owe you anything….(let that sink in, lets also repeat it for the people who read and don’t absorb immediately…..NO ONE OWES YOU A DAMN THING!)

Now rudely awoken to my toxic traits I am obligated to do better. My problem is/was that I need to use my words better at all times, especially when I’m upset. It’s not fair to lash out but it’s also impossible to gauge how you will react when your privacy is invaded or you feel betrayed. We all have knee jerk reactions and sometimes it hurts the people around us. BUT!!!!!!!! And this is a big BUTT… I mean stripper from Atlanta round and brown big. You are HUMAN!!! You will make mistakes and if you don’t grow from them then you deserve to be cut off and then cut off again coz you know better but don’t do better.

Someone can experience you in a certain phase of your life and assume that’s who you are. That’s who you were at that moment maybe when you aren’t heated you aren’t that person. That doesn’t matter. How many of us go back to the stove to get burnt some more after having been burnt? You won’t go back to get brunt again, but you still need to use the stove to cook. You just now need to be more careful. It’s crazy and irrational to think someone would see poisonous traits in you and stick around to see IF you change. There is no guarantee that once the issue has been raised and apologies exchanged that you will change. If they don’t give you the chance to show them you have changed, you aren’t their lover and even if you were they have every right to still leave you if you are not fulfilling your mandate. Don’t be selfish enough to think anyone is obligated to put up with your torture.

Torture yourself and let the rest of us LIVE!!! That said in this situation since I am the poison I have to understand that I was the weakest link. Even though I felt slated because in her other friendships she had given chances and let others change and grow to be better. In our situation maybe she reached her breaking point quicker or our friendship wasn’t that important to her such that we could try work through things. I’ve decided to KTSE( Keep The Same Energy). If you don’t want to try with me I’m not going to try convince you I am worth it. I already know I am (wow that whole paragraph sounds so defensive….oh well)

At this point It’s not about loses and gains, it’s all about peace of mind. Lola did what she had to do. By asking and her telling me she is done with me, it gave me what I needed too. I’m solid right now. I absolutely prefer this to the purgatory of a one side friendship. I know better now and my intension is to always be cognisant of the way I deliver a message even when I’m hurt. You have been cut off for a reason and that reason should be a starting point for you being a better human being.

At the time of writing this I hadn’t seen her in a LONG LONG time. When I finally did, I was with a mutual friend and I avoided her like the plague. If I saw her left, I went right, like I was playing ‘you can’t catch me’ and that was the ill-tempered petty in me…I feel fine about it because it’s good to know we are nothing to each other. I am also grateful she showed me that I need to do better and I intend to do so.

[vitalmindandbody]

Why I Don’t Involve To Have The ‘Perfect’ Body To Be A Health Coach

Bread or no dough? Bread!

Soup or salad? Soup!

Out of 40 health and wellness colleagues in the area, I was the only person who told soup and bread.

Not only that, but I was instantly met by a sea of judgment. Everyone cautiously ate their light-green needles of lettuce so mindfully, being careful of their every move.

One person enunciated, Oh, you got the soup. How neat. Yes, it is nice. And it is fucking delicious.

I unapologetically affection food. I love to cook it, eat it and savor it. As a health coach, I likewise do care about what I feed not in a dogmatic method, but in a affectionate way.

You visualize, I have an stunning tie-in with my body. I listen to it. I do not listen to fad diets, convenience store sell or blog haters.

I listen to my mas. It tells me exactly what it needs and when.

And on that rainy day in NYC, it articulated, Lindsey, I could use some bread and soup. I listened, and guess what? I was right.

Now, for most people, bread and soup is considered a bad snack, but a leafy light-green salad is good banquet. Because as much as we love to label parties, we cherish labeling food, too.

While I sat back and whole-heartedly enjoyed my soup and eat, detecting enormous about my decision, I could see the inconvenience and anxiety so many of all my fellow members were feeling.

Being in the health manufacture, I am judged for two things: my meat picks and my size.

I recollect used to go for fro-yo in my hometown once, and someone discerned me as the Food Mood Girl.

The group , not knowing that my husband was right by them, commented on how they are only couldnt belief I was feeing fro-yo, as if experiencing my fruit-filled consider was like pledging faithfulnes to the dessert devil.

A few days later, another friend told me her mother-in-law was on my website, and she was surprised parties took my advice because I wasnt scrawny enough.

Not simply was I committing to the dessert devil, but now my sizing was being questioned. Normally, I would let this proceed, but I couldnt assistance suppose, What is wrong with my width?

Ive been the same size for the better part of my life. Ive been a size 6 since about ninth grade. The only big change would be my bra length, which is to be expected because puberty.

But for the most part, my shape and form nature has stayed the same.

As a teen, I recollect experiencing inadequate around your best friend and peers. I wasnt skinny or overweight, but what was I?

When it came to guys and plays, I always felt like I fell short. I felt like I wasnt quite thin enough for either.

Id ever get picked somewhere in the middle for dodgeball and times. It wasnt bad, but it also never prepared me feel good.

Fast-forward to my job as a health and nutrition coach, author and orator. When I attend health and fitness seminars and occurrences, I detect the same precise way.

Im not skinny or fit, but Im not overweight, either. Yet, I still feel this weird in-between sentiment, still not knowing what the hell I am.

And then I realized: I am a medium-sized girl. Im not skinny , not overweight. Im simply medium.

Once I realized that, I had to wonder, Since when was being medium-sized not health? Since when did a size 6 or 8 or 10 abruptly become a fitness lack?

We live in a culture that profits off of self-hate, one that wants us to accept even a medium-sized frame is not worthy of things like adore, health, kindness or adoption. Even a medium chassis has lots of work to do because the smaller the dress size, the most valuable of a human you are.

And regardless of whatever luggage and shit you have going on in their own lives, if you are thin, you are a lighthouse of health to certain people.

The last time I departed for a physical, they took my elevation, load and blood pressure.

OK, your quantities gaze fine. You are all good and healthy, they said.

They didnt once allege, How are you doing mentally? Are you taking experience for yourself? Are you practicing self-love? Do you have a healthy imaginative store? How are your personal relationships? How do you cope with bad eras?

Those doubts tell me much more about my health and well-being than a dress length or a scale ever could.

As I sat back and watched how each one of my colleagues quietly evaluated me for telling bread and soup, I couldnt improve but seem sad for them. Not simply were they missing out on the best fucking tomato soup Ive ever had( severely, Im still daydream about it ), but because they judged me for some soup and dough, I envisage they evaluate themselves even more harshly.

I imagine their own judgments and being in the industry has constituted them extra cautious about their every move, representing them seem forever on edge about their meat alternatives and how others comprehend them.

Theyve possibly not only yielded meat bad descriptions, but theyve also maybe even given themselves worse ones.

So, what if we quit labeling and adjudicating ourselves by our size, load, meat selections and figure, and instead start cherishing and respecting ourselves for our sentiments, invention and vitality?

And what if “were starting” basing our views of others on those happenings rather than the labels weve been learnt?

I bet you would not only have an amazing communication, but you would also meet other people health a lot differently.

I bet you would understand their zest, their spunk, their posture and their joy. I bet you would insure thoughts of yourself in them and wonder why you had been evaluating so difficult before.

And I bet you would learn to quit adjudicating yourself so harshly, and instead, youd hear to snack some soup and bread every now and then.

Such articles was originally published on the authors personal blog .

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Anthony Bourdain: I put aside my psychotic rage, after many years being awful to cooks

The chef and author on encountering vichyssoise aged nine, practical jokes with his sous chef, and learning to take food less seriously

I worked in a restaurant where the house speciality was mutton chops, soeverything reeked of fat, penetrating every pore, follicle and piece of clothing, as if Id been rolling around in sheep guts. It was the first thing I smelled in the morning and the last at night. But I didnt have any friends outside the business. Its one of the reasons chefs hang with each other who else will love our smells?

As a youngster, in New Jersey, I was fed normal pedestrian American home cooking meatloaf and hamburgers although I do recall a copy of Julia Childs Mastering the Art of French Cooking high up on the refrigerator and how on special nights, when guests visited and mysterious adult stuff went on downstairs, the powerful smell of scallops with mushrooms in white wine sauce (Coquilles St Jacques) drifted upstairs.

At the age of nine, I went on the Queen Mary being served vichyssoise, a word I loved for my first trip to France, where boys were allowed watered-down wine and cigarettes on Sundays. But our parents left me and my little brother in the car outside La Pyramide (in Vienne), while they dined inside. I reacted by requesting oysters and dishes they found repulsive and becoming increasingly adventurous in my tastes. It wasnt about the food but about getting a reaction.

I only became happy in fact, intensely satisfied as a dishwasher at a restaurant in Provincetown in Cape Cod, my first job. I was a shy, goofy, awkward teenager. But in this blue collar, factory-like environment, there was no blurred line, no grey area, no philosophical question to fret over. Dishes had to go in the washer and come out taintless and doing this swiftly and competently meant I was acknowledged as a human being by colleagues I wanted to be like. The day they promoted me to dunking fries I was overjoyed.

It was watching chef Bobby screwing a bride over a barrel in the garbage area, while her wedding party dined inside, that made me want to be a chef. But it was awkward and didnt make sense. It was the first time Id seen anyone having sex and I didnt understand the brides motivation. Although I understand it very well now.

The line cook I especially respected was Beth Aretsky, aka The Grill Bitch; a very sturdy, hard, capable, profane woman at a time when there werent many women in the kitchen. When a Moroccan chef felt her ass she grabbed and spun him, then dry-humped him brutally over a cutting board. Like many early women in the business she was twice as tough as the men. Despite how she bossed us, wed go to her often crying for advice and support when having trouble with girlfriends. She wasnt having any of that either.

The crew at Marios restaurant spoke in this fantastic polyglot language incorporating Portuguese fishing dialect, Elizabethan poetry and Marine Corp profanities. And it was with Marios Dmitri such an influence on my career that I formed Moonlight Menus and created elaborate banquets for pizza magnates and drug dealers. When Dmitri designed tableaus on the sides of hams he did so with a dry, fantastic, acidic and self-punishing wit. He made fun of his propensity towards failure and disappointment, often, but he was a very creative, skilled and bright guy, who was different than anybody else Id met and very inspiring. Some of it was impressive for its time. I mean, no one else was doing pt en croute and huge galantines in aspic, elaborate chaud-froid presentations and Marie-Antoine Carme and Auguste Escoffier-era set pieces in 1975. Nobody. (Although if Daniel Boulud, whos since done these things, saw the quality I dont think he would be dazzled or impressed by our technique, to put it kindly.)

The mafia were everywhere back then. But now you have to look for them. The Racketeering & Corrupt Organisation Act which meant any member of an organisation could be prosecuted for the same crime as the leader of that organisation restricted the crime families involvement in the fish and meat markets. And were reaching the shallow end of the gene pool in a lot of these families the sons are all cokeheads and dont have the same values as their dads. The restaurant world aint what it used to be.

Steven Moore, my sous chef during the 90s, was the best one for practical jokes. If someone only put a potato in his shoe, hed remove the door from their locker and fill it high with porn mags. (Sometimes he used to arrive at work with sperm on his shoes.) I still appreciate that he had no shame whatsoever an admirable quality, of sorts. But Ive no connection with him now, since it is my belief that he sold a dick pic of me to the gossip site TMZ.

Im proud that in the last few years as a professional chef, however upset I was with staff, wed still be able to have a beer together at the end of the night, without ill-will. Id put aside my psychotic rage, after many years being awful to line cooks, abusive to waiters, bullying to dishwashers. Its terrible and counter-productive to make people feel idiots for working hard for you. Nowadays I still have a rather withering ability to be sarcastic and displeased but Im not screaming at anyone.

I was an unhappy soul, with a huge heroin and then crack problem. I hurt, disappointed and offended many, many, many people and I regret a lot. Its a shame I have to live with.

I like to hear music while I cook, but nothing too headbangy any more. Curtis Mayfield, Marvin Gaye, pre-disco funk, Isaac Hayes and Brothers Johnson and Im happy.

If I examine my body now, nude in the mirror, theres not too much damage to be seen. The burns, flesh marks and knife scars prevalent 14 years ago, before I moved into TV, have mostly faded. The damage sustained from handling lobsters and shrimp the inflammations and skin rashes have improved with time. My hands are pretty soft. My right hand is mangled with arthritis, from holding a whisk improperly for so many years, causing calluses to push bones out of joint. But Im in much better shape than Ive probably ever been. I travel 250 days a year. Im lean, my alcohol bloat has gone and I do Brazilian jiu-jitsu every day.

As I get older my tastes become simpler. The foods that make me reliably happy, that have a real emotional appeal, are a simple bowl of regional pasta, spicy noodles sold in Vietnam, or anybodys grandmothers meatloaf.

Its a lethal error to always critically evaluate meals. Ive certainly learnt to take food less seriously and try whenever possible to experience it emotionally rather than as a professional or critic. I like nothing more than seeing my daughter Ariane eating and liking food.

When youve seen what Ive seen on a regular basis it changes your world view. Ive spent such a lot of time in the developing world, I was caught in a war in Beirut, been in Liberia, the Congo, Iraq and Libya and realised how fast things can get bad, how arbitrary good fortune and cruelty and death. I suppose Ive learnt humility. Or something.

The great Warren Zevon was asked, close to death, whether he had any important words of wisdom to pass on and he said, Enjoy every sandwich. I definitely enjoy my sandwiches, given how low I fell and how likely it was that there was going to be a different and tragic outcome. Im a pretty lucky man. I enjoy my food and presenting Parts Unknown. I have the best job in the world.

Appetites: A Cookbook by Anthony Bourdain is published by Bloomsbury (26). To order a copy for 22.10 go to bookshop.theguardian.com or call 0330 333 6846. Free UK p&p over 10, online orders only. Phone orders min p&p of 1.99

This article was taken from Observer Food Monthly on 15th January 2017. Click here to get the Observer for half price.

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