#since i haven't been able to do that in like 3 weeks bc of work

[hpandthegobletofsass]

have been gripped by the concept of history of magic teacher!regulus the past 12 or so hours, might fuck around and put aside the two other hp fics i've been working on in favor of writing a little one shot of my headcanons related to this

[magentagalaxies]

going to a comedy open mic tomorrow mostly to watch my friends (it's at a cool venue that my improv troupe performs at once a month and a few improv troupe friends are doing standup there) but when these friends were asking if i'd be interested in coming they were like "btw there's usually a ton of open spots on show days if YOU want to do something... and they're not strict about it only being standup either, people have done character pieces and sketches etc like they embrace the weirdness... and they're not strict about time limits you could probably do anything between three and eight minutes... sometimes if there's not enough people signed up they'll even let you go twice..." and i'm like god damn it i thought i was gonna take a break from aubrey but this setup is like tailor made for an aubrey appearance lmao

[pickapea]

fanfiction is so much fun i wish i liked reading it </3

[noxtivagus]

ffxv makes me so emotional oh my god 🥹🫶🏼

[crest-of-gautier]

video editing is so fun... (specifically cutting down hours of gameplay into a highlights format)

[autistic-shaiapouf]

Covid update, the vice grip pressure headache is gone, I was able to get out of bed without issues today, I actually slept through the night, AND don't feel feverish anymore 😤

[ddiidi]

bf!Bangchan x gn!reader (ot8 mentioned)

Masterlist

When he calls you clingy, so you distance yourself

Previous Pt. 1

Pt. 2

Next Pt. 3

!Warnings: angst, swearing, fun at the end bc reader needs fun in life (lmk if i missed anything)

Important!Side-Note!: Should I do a happy ending for them?

It has been 3 days since that incident. 3 days and still not a single message from Chan, not even an apology for yelling at you, nothing. You've been texting him every now and then, to ask if he's okay, eats and sleeps. He never replied to any of them, nor has he seen them, so you spend most of the time packing your stuff and working from home. You were glad you had a job you also could work from home for. Every now and then, you went over to the building, to check a few things, walking extra detours, to make sure, you won't bump into Chan.

A few of the other members texted you the past days, asking if everything is okay and why the haven't seen you around for a while, to which you just replied with "Busy with work and private stuff, dww:)". It made you happy they actually care that much about you, just because they haven't seen you in a few days, but also anxious and sad, since they care, but chan hasn't even shown any intress in you the past days. You weren't even able to tell him that you're moving.

More days pass, and a few days, turn into a week of no textes from Chan. At this point, you wondered if he even knew that you still exist.

So here you were, in your old apartment, stuffed with boxes, not being able to get your mind off chan and his well-being, even though, you're still deeply hurt from what he said, you couldn't just not not care about him....He pointed out two of your insecurities, just like that as if it was nothing and he doesn't even care...not about you not your feelings.

You let out a deep sigh. You should be getting ready for a day with your friends. Not think about some man, who happened to be the love of your life, who calls you his partner, but doesn't even know how to cherish you.

You let out another, heavy, sigh as you drop to the floor to put on your shoes, Let's just focus on having a great time today, you thought to yourself and left the apartment.

Well, maybe it was not the best decision to go out today...

Chan for his part, had to listen to a lectur from Felix, after you ran out, crying. "Chris..you really shouldn't have said all that to her. I understand that you were annoyed or whatever, but that was no reason to yell at her" "Really now? They were just being a fucking, clingy and annoying crybaby that couldn't take no for an answer, for whatever reason." chan sighed out, at the younger member. "That crybaby...was really uncalled for chris. They're your partner, not some random person on the street you can yell at. I wouldn't wonder if they took that "Leave me alone" to heart and actually leave you after that action." "But I-" chan starts, "I'm just saying chris. You better fix this before it's too late. After what you pulled, partners are faster gone than you could blink" with that, Felix leaves the room, leaving Chan alone, again.

Since that talk, Chan locked himself in his studio, thinking about the best way to apologize for what he said. But he couldn't find one. No matter how long he thought, days, a whole week, there was nothing but regret. He just had to apologize in person and beg for forgivness, hoping that you'd actually forgive him.

So there he was, with a giant bouquet of flowers, fresh clothes and hope.

He had the code to your apartment, so he opened the door, ready to be greeted by the warm, wide open hallway, but was greeted with the cold gray of bunch of boxes instead and the first thing he felt, was panic."Y/n? Y/n are you there?" he yelled, as he ran through your whole apartment, but as he saw that even all your date polaroid pictures where gone, he couldn't help but panic even more.

He let's the flowers fall on the floor, running to your room and nearly collapsed when he found..nothing. Where were you? Did you actually go? Did you actually leave him? All these questions consumed his head and that's when he broke, crying to the point he couldn't breath. He took out his phone and called the first number he saw in his recent calls. It peeped a few times, before someone took the call.

"Hey Chris everything alr-" "They're gone! Felix they're gone, they're not here i don't know what to do! I've never meant it I was just-" chan cried and gasped out at felix on the other line. "Woah there calm down, try to breath I don't understand a word. Relax, I'll be there okay? You know there is an explination for everything, that's what you always say, so try to relax it's okay" Felix tried to soothen the older man, while grabbing his keys and running out to his car. Chan didn't reply anything to that and continued soobing.

I have your location, I'll be there in 5." that's the last thing chan heared from felix, before he collapsed on the floor in your apartment.

And you? You were drinking coffee with your friends, while your bestie told you guys a story how she saw a horse that nearly drowned.

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾✧༺🖤༻✧✧༺🖤༻✧✧༺🖤༻✧☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙

@finnbbl @wolfs-howling

[too-many-fandomssss]

The counter

__________________________________________

Content: SEX (p in v)

Ok y'all! 1/3 of the requests done! I'm still working on the other 2 bc I literally wrote this in like one night 💀

Also made this one a full fic bc I haven't done much for my man Stanley yet. Hope this is what anon wanted, I feel like I kept to the plot a little better this time

__________________________________________

Its been almost a year since you decided to work at the Mystery Shack to make some extra spending money. You'd retired early and moved to Gravity Falls for a quiet life, which wasn't constant because of the magic creatures.

Your hair had some gray streaks around your face and by your ears. You always dressed nice for your job, maybe a little outdated but you knew Stan loved to see you in more 70s atire. Makeup was usually on the lighter side, and LOTS of jewelry adorned your neck, wrists, and fingers.

One evening the gnomes broke into the shack trying to steal Mabel away again, and unsurprisingly they caused all sorts of damage. You offered to stay late and help clean up, which Stan gladly agreed to also hoping he'd be able to have some alone time with you.

It was late, cleaning up took much longer than anticipated so Stan sent the kids to bed, and you told Soos you'd finish up since he looked tired. Secretly you were hoping something would happen tonight as well, especially since his flirting had gotten more persistent the last few weeks. You suspected it had something to do with Mabel pushing him to get closer to you, but you're not complaining.

♧

Since you started working at the Mystery Shack, you always caught Stan staring at you or just loitering around you when you restocked. When you were behind the counter he'd stand behind you, almost guarding you and not so secretly staring at your ass. Rather quickly his silent looks turned into loud comments and flirty remarks, like whenever he ended a tour he'd lead customers into the gift shop.

"And welcome to the gift shop! Buy something and you'll get to talk to the most beautiful woman in the world!"

Stan gestures to you while leaning on the side if the counter wiggling his eyebrows at you. Rolling your eyes while helping the first customer helping them check out, your cheeks slowly burning a light pink.

♧

You were just about done with cleaning the gift shop part of the house when Stan walks into the room leaning on the door frame smirking. At first you don't notice him as your humming to the song playing on the radio and shaking your ass slightly while putting away the last few things under the counter.

"Lookin' toots"

Stans voice makes you jump bumping your head on the bottom of the counter. When you stand up a hand rubbing your head you look over at Stan (un)intentionally looking lower noticing a growing bulge in his suit pants.

"Someone's happy to see me"

Eyebrows raised and a smirk on your face you lean against the counter more obviously checking him out as he walks towards you.

"I'm always happy to see you toots"

He returns your teasing, which causes pink to creep from your ears to your cheeks. You're nat able to speak because you know you'll stutter so you just stare into his eyes.

"Whats wrong cat got y'a tongue?"

Stan is mentally freaking out as he slids his large hand around your waist pulling you closer lips almost touching.

"Can I kiss y'a? Been craving it for so long

..."

You can feel his whispers against your face, without answering you wrap your hands around his neck and connecting your lips. Stan makes a sound that's a mix between surprise and a whine when your lips connect, his other hand leaves the counter and grabs the back of your head deepening the kiss.

Stan licks your bottom lip asking for entrance, you part your lips in agreement and he slids his tongue against yours the kiss getting more heated by the second. You guys are all over each other in a matter of seconds, your back being pressed against the counter and your hands desperately grasping at his hair and clothes.

There was a pause when your both needed air, you both looked like you were gonna jump on each other again when Stan spoke.

"I need to be inside you"

You were almost sitting on the counter, hands behind you now as you're looking down at the much larger bulge in his pants.

"Then what are you waiting for?"

The second the words left your mouth it's like he snapped, you were sudden on your stomach on the counter ass up. Stans rock hard bulge pressing against your ass, his hands snake across your hips to the hem of your pants slowly undoing them. Once they're fully unzipped he pulls them off your legs and leaving small kisses on your lower back and tugging at your lace underwear.

"Wearin' the fancy stuff for me now?"

Stans voice is low and teasing as he pulls the underwear over the plump of your ass and let's them fall around your ankles. He slides his right hand down to your dripping folds gently rubbing your clit, his left hand is on your ass massaging and kneeding the flesh.

"So wet and I've barely touched you y'a dirty girl"

Stans voice is low and gravelly against your back while he leaves kisses up your spine till the edge of your shirt that's been pushed up. His fingers work your clit harder now, rubbing tight circles that have you gasping and clawing the counter.

"Please Stan! Don't stop"

You're whining only serves to turn him on more as he slowly dips one finger into you, and is practically sucked in by your greedy cunt. Stan groans at the feeling before adding another finger and pumping slightly to see your reaction.

"Aah fuck, harder!"

You arch backwards moaning rather loudly at the sensation, which caused Stan to use his free hand to clamp over your mouth.

"Shhh, don't want the kids hearin' us"

He whispers in your ear and you nod half moaning against his hand, your breath is heavy and vision glossy when he releases you. He continues to pump his fingers in your tight cunt scissoring them slightly to stretch you out while he leaves hickeys on your neck.

You're trying so hard to keep quiet but Stan's fingerings you so good you can't help the yelps and whines that slip from your throat.

"I said keep quiet"

Stan whispers against your neck before a loud slap is heard and you feel a sharp stinging pain on your left ass cheek. A loud yelp emits from your throat and your head drops between your arms, ass wiggling slightly to try and ease the pain.

"Think you're ready to take me toots?"

You frantically nod looking at him over your shoulder, your eyes are glossed over and needy the look making his cock twitch in anticipation. He removes his fingers that are soaked with your juices and licks them clean moaning at the taste.

He started undoing his pants and let them drop to his ankles, the same with his boxers. His cock is blushed red and rock hard, dripping with precum as he pumps it a few times groaning before rubbing the tip through your folds lubing up a bit.

"Shit toots can't wait to fuck you stupid"

His words make a shiver run through your body, your pussy clenching around nothing. Stan slowly pushes in breathing heavy and holding back moaning too loud, on the other hand you were whimpering and gasping. After giving you a second to adjust he snapped, and bottomed out starting a brutal pace.

You clap a hand over your mouth when he bottoms out to muffle your scream as your body is rocked by his thrusts. Hands gripping the counter as you loudly moan his name, which makes Stan grab a fistful of hair and yank you back into an arch.

"Told y'a to be fuckin' quiet"

His voice is stern and low as he's still pounding you so deep there's a bulge forming in your belly. He wraps a hand around your throat squeezing slightly to restrict your noise, your eyes roll back at the feeling pussy tightening around his cock.

You can feel it, you can feel everything he's doing to you, the way his fingers dig into your throat to every vein on his cock. You're so close to cumming but can't say anything, you're so fucked out all you can do is moan.

"So close babe, just hol' on"

Stan groans against the crook of your neck sucking a large hickey onto it, his thrusts getting sloppy. He slides his free hand down to your clit rubbing tight circles again, which causes you to whine loudly even through his throat hold. You cum all over his cock, pussy clamping down on him which causes him to spray his hot seed inside and collapse over your back.

You both are panting hard laying on the counter, Stan pulls out of you after a second admiring his work. Mixed cum dripping out and down your thighs, he slides his hands down your back grabbing both ass cheeks and squeezing.

"You're so hot like this toots"

A smirk etching onto his face as he grabs a few tissues and wipes you up, you mumble while your face is laying on the counter. He then lazily pulls your pants back up and carried you up to his room changing you into one of his old t-shirts and shorts. He lays you in his bed and climbs in with you pulling you close and drifting to sleep.

"Love y'a toots

[reikunrei]

feeling incredibly averse to posting this but i'm just gonna drop my kofi link here in case anyone wants to help me get out of my increasingly shitty situation living with my parents

more info below ig

after having given my parents nearly $100k over the last four years, i'd love to be able to actually leave. my future job situation is still up in the air (i've submitted for about a dozen positions and the only one i've heard back from and interviewed for hasn't gotten back to me yet), and i haven't been able to build up any savings because, again, i was (and still am) helping my family afford rent and bills, and probably the taxes my parents are behind on, but if i think about that, i'll get too angry. no joke, i've given my family, at the bare minimum, 85% of my income over the last 4 years. the rest of it has gone toward medical stuff and, now, my car

at this point, with the combo of my mom refusing to lower her standards and my dad's seeming refusal to hunt for a new full time job, i don't see how they won't continue to bleed me dry. my dad even has a bad habit of taking money out of my old savings account that he's a joint owner on or whatever from when i got it set up when i was 16, even when i stopped actively putting money in it, so now any time it gets its automated $1 transfer from my checking account, he'll just take that $1 without consulting me. i'm not exaggerating, even if it has $1-2 in it, it'll be gone within a week

i've even put off starting on testosterone because of this. i wanted to start it like 3 years ago, but kept putting it off because of money issues and wanting to save as much as possible. i got really close to actually starting it this year, but because of how messy everything is, i put it off again bc having one more thing on my plate, especially when my parents are already weird about me being trans, was not something i wanted to deal with

not to mention, we're still currently not living under a lease in our house that we're, as far as i'm aware, still tens of thousands of dollars behind in rent on (again, my dad refuses to disclose our financial position honestly with any of us) and it's developed many, many issues bc the landlord, even before we were behind on rent, is shit and refuses to actually fix anything. and my dad loves to just ignore things unless we beg him to do something

i'd love to be on my own (in the, much more affordable, midwest) by the end of summer. i by no means want to rely on donations and i have other avenues i'm working with to make money (i still have my current full time job, but i'm going through my old belongings and selling a lot online), but i'll take any help i can get atp because i'm truly at my wits end. i'd start doing art commissions again if i could, but doing that from 2020-2022, partially on top of my full time job, absolutely wrecked my right hand and i'm still in enough pain that i can't make it a regular activity

idk how much else there is to say. there's more i could say but... i don't really wanna air all my dirty laundry here. i'm miserable in so many ways and it's just become increasingly clear that my dad expects me to constantly cover his ass. my younger brother gives money too, but he manages to go on big cross-country and overseas trips with friends, so i think i've been stuck with the burden of giving the most money. there's so many more things going on in the world rn and everyone is stretched thin so i don't expect much, or anything, but. idk. might as well throw it out there, right?

i’ve also since taken down the gfm i set up last year when we got our first eviction notice bc, while we still need the money, i don’t feel right keeping it up for multiple reasons, including “i don’t want to give any of that money to my family” and it feels too… serious to keep it up when i could just throw out my kofi instead

i just want to make sure i have some sort of safety net to catch me if i move before anything job-wise is finalized. i need to be able to afford a place to live for at least a month so i can job-search while physically being in the area i wanna move to, which would ultimately make it easier for me to find a job at all. i'm working on being more firm with giving less money so i can actually have the means to move and be safe and comfortable, but... that never lasts long in this house

anyway. that's it, i guess. thanks for reading

[winryrockbellwannabe]

✨ Getting my life together ✨

to be very honest, i've been feeling kinda awful this last couple of weeks, and i haven't been able to do anything but stress over exams and complain about my life. today this will end.

So here's a hopeful but realistic list of habit's I'll try to implement

🏋🏾‍♀️ 1: Im going to start working out again.

Not everyday at first, and i still have to understand if it works better for me to work out in the morning or at night. Ideally im going to rotate between: arms/abs workouts, youtube ballet classes (there's a youtuber that seems to have great adult ballet videos, and its a chill way for me to work out), and hopefully going on walks on fridays, since i have the morning off, when it's not raining.

🫗2 : Im going to do the dishes right after i use them

i dont even hate doing the dishes, i dont know how i accumulate so many shit. But i do, and then i have no clean dishes and that makes me not want to cook, and delay eating lunch and stuff like that. SO DO YOUR DISHES!!!

💊 3: im gonna go to the pharmacy to get my meds and actually take them

self explanatory, ive been super anxious about taking my adhd meds, since im going to try to take a more intense dose than im used to, and i was a bit scared bc of side effects but my friend has already calmed me down a bit about it

🖋️ 4. Im goint to try to post more regularly and journal more

4.1. Post more regularly

It helps me get excited and motivated about studying, so self explanatory

4.2. Journalling

Everything is being so weird rn. My friends are acting so weird, two of them are basically ignoring me, and other two are acting super shitty towards me and another friend. It's super messy, and we don't know why everyone is being off, so i think i need to let all this negativity out of my system and reflect about this, and see if i could also be in the wrong in this situation

🧹 5. Im going to be more organized, and try to keep my room tidied

💖 6. Im going to try to spend more time with people that actually recharge my energy, instead of people that just stress me more and make me more upset

📜 7. Im going to try new places to study, since my usual ones haven't been working as well for me

and there's more to go, but i don't want to be too optimistic, Im going to be happy if I actually manage to keep half of those for more than a week lol

[genericpuff]

1. Have you read Circe by Madeline Miller + Song of Achilles ~ if you have what are your thoughts

2. In the original what was your favorite male character drawn out (mine was Hermes only bc I found him hot😓)

3. How long do you think it’ll take you to ‘finish’ your story, like do you have a set date: 2026,2027, even 2030🙈🙈

4. What’s your backstory on tattooing and art, was this your initial plan

5. Fave girl character, (mine is Minthe only bc she reminds me of my younger self since I seemed to only choose realtionships where I get here)

thank youuu

ahaha so many questions! I'll answer them as concisely as I can :>

1.) Song of Achilles is on my shelf, I've been meaning to read it all but I haven't been able to make time for it, I might try and do so before the new year! I've definitely heard great things :>

2.) Hephaestus! He gives me such older brother vibes, he just seems like a really chill and snuggly guy LOL Only complaint about his character design is the fact that he's constantly using running blades (sure they look cool but they're not practical for casual wear, you're supposed to use them for, y'know... running lmao) but that's really it, I think his arc with Aphrodite in S3 was poorly written tbh especially with how rushed it was, but overall not the worst treatment out of the cast.

3.) Definitely don't want it to take until 2030 LMAO It's gonna depend on a few variables, including update schedule (I'd really like to get back to posting once a week again like I used to but I don't think it's gonna be possible for a little while u.u""") and how long the final scripts come out to be. Ideally though I'd like it to be wrapped up within another year or two. This definitely isn't one of those "work on it indefinitely" type projects, I have an end goal in mind and I don't want it to take over half a decade like my last comic project did LOL

4.) Never expected to wind up making Rekindled or in tattooing. I'm kind of a "fall into it" type person, I do what feels right in the moment even if it's not what I initially planned for (within reason, of course! I've learned to sit on new ideas and plans for a bit before pursuing them to ensure I'm actually into them before diving in lol it helps me avoid the impulsive ADHD-fueled decisions 😆). I sort of had a plan for myself back in primary and high school - I wanted to become a video game concept artist, but over time as I got into making comics and after I graduated college, it just never really happened. It's never too late, of course, but right now I'm having a lot of fun tattooing and making comics in my free time ! I think I'd still be making comics even if I ended up in game dev, it satisfies my storytelling side haha

5.) If you mean specifically LO, yeah, Minthe here too. Which is wild because I remember when I was still a huge fan of the comic and was on the "fuck Minthe!" train. Now that I've explored the comic with a more critical eye, I sympathize with her way more and I really hope she had gotten a more satisfying conclusion. Still, she got away from Hades and Persephone's nonsense so that's better than nothing LMAO but I definitely want to explore her side more in Rekindled as the story unfolds, I have some fun plans for her <3

[bones-of-a-rabbit]

status of babbit's life yeehaw

tl,dr: busy moving and a couple of other big life things that just complicate things, but well on the way to being back to normal! new fic chapters and better quality art coming soon.

tl,wr (too long, will read):

Helloooo what's up its me, Babbit. or Rabbit. or Bones. or Idiot Moron Menace Child, idk im not picky lol

i know a lot of you guys have been wondering wtf is up with my upload schedule lately and the extreme lack of even basic content and also i am extremely aware that i have not updated my fics in a few millennia and for that i am very, very sorry. this post is to answer a few questions you might have, if anyone was curious about the 'reason' instead of just the 'when.'

my family and i have had a hell of a year, y'all. like, jesus christ, i really hope things level out and calm down for a while once we're moved in to our new apartment bc god damn we are so tired. the list goes: 1. we got kicked out of the house we were renting-to-own bc we wouldn't be able to afford the new rate, so they gave us two months to find a new place to live (not long enough, it turns out) and then foreclosed to get us out. 75% of our belongings were still in the house when we had to leave. that includes all of our christmas ornaments- including the ones kept for decades, and the ones made by me and my siblings, and the fancy ones made from blown glass. 2. the first night out of the house, one of our dogs, freaked out by the strangeness of the situation, panicked and slipped her harness and ran off. that was over a year ago. we haven't seen her since. 3. my cat got very ill and became unable to eat. she passed away almost exactly a year ago. she had been 14-15, and had been my baby since i was maybe 8. 4. one of the tires on my dads car blew out. during the night, while it was parked on the curb so he could put the spare on in the morning, one of the in-tact tires was fucking stolen LMAO 5. we applied to rent at so many places and got rejected so, so many times. it costs money to apply, btw. we're talking like $200+. no, u don't get that money back. 6. i lost my job bc knowing i would have to work 8 hours at a job that stresses me out to the point of exhaustion (at a place where no one takes me seriously and would actively laugh at me when i try to express my need to step away for a minute) sometimes paralyzed me and made me sick to my stomach and made me feel unable to leave the house, and i called out one too many times. a day after my birthday, too! 7. just recently, like within the last week, my dad's car got fuckin totalled!!!!!

THE GOOD NEWS IS WE OFFICIALLY, FINALLY, AFTER A SOLID YEAR, HAVE AN APARTMENT!!!!! I'LL HAVE MY OWN ROOM AGAIN!!! THERE'S AN ENTIRE KITCHEN!!!!!!!

the 'oh god' news is we still have to move in, and replace a lot of the stuff that we just couldn't take with us when we moved out (mostly stuff like bookshelves, dining table, dressers, etc) AND get the few things we could cram into a storage center out and moved into the new place, which isn't a lot but at the same time is more than we can realistically handle on our own. and then, we have to get my mums cats (a pair of kitty sisters that we had to temporarily house with my aunt, who got tired of looking after them and let them outside to be outdoor cats a few months ago. yes, this was an extremely shitty thing to do, and we've been working hard to get them back safely) AND my gecko (who my cousin has been looking after, even tho feeding him worms freaks him out LMAO yes i plan on compensating him) moved in, as well... basically oh my god there is so much to worry about but at the same time it's nice to have to worry about it bc it means we're making progress sdkfhsjdkfhdsjfh

basically i am just so tired but so busy and also thinkin abt so much im so sorry for lack of stuff but i am so looking forward to being able to bounce back, pls stick with me, it'll be sorted out soon i think and then i'll hit y'all with some good stuff i promise!!!!!!!

anyway thank u guys i love u and appreciate u all for sticking around

[icedmetaltea]

Just lettin ya'll know I'm ok

(random irl stuff to journal below, keep scrollin)

Wanted to wait to come back till

1. I wasn't dealing with mega gender dysphoria, my masc/neutral days are few and far between but by god it's been nonstop masc/neutral days lately and been a lot of just hating my body (and myself in general)

2. got the ebt stuff figured out, which I haven't yet, my doc put in a ref for a different place to sign a thing, waited 2 weeks for them to call, only to find out it was the wrong place and now I have to wait for the next place to call... which like yea I'm worrying about food but talking about it in therapy has helped somewhat. She reassured me even if that doesn't work we WILL find some place that'll sign the form I need to be eligible again

3. I wasn't dealing with as bad of depression/anxiety which like... idk. I've definitely been doing better anxiety-wise but idk if that's bc it hasn't been as hot lately or I've been feeding myself better. I know I must've been eating under 1200s calories the past few weeks bc the scale finally stopped going down and I know for a fact my anxiety gets bad when I'm hungry so I think for about a month I was unintentionally starving myself, SO making myself eat at least 2 nutritious meals a day now

At the same time I think perhaps my pmdd symptoms are... reversing time schedules??? Usually my anxiety/depression gets way worse before period but now it seems like it's fine before and terrible during/after????? Makes zero sense but who knows. Also it's a couple days late now so health anxiety is going off the shits about PCOS or something again UGH

Making SOME progress with therapy, am able to be outside for 5 mins without feeling that horrific sense of dread so that's something.

I've also been coming to the realization that I may have some form of DID?? Not the type where you lose time/blackout/completely have entirely different memories and starkly different personality switches but I've definitely been noticing now that I've been putting more attention to it how I go into different "modes" and sets of interests throughout the weeks and I mean... it's not secret I have imaginary friends I talk to on the daily. I've had an issue figuring out where "they" end and "myself" begins since childhood. Plus I already deal with derealization/dissociation/occasional age regression so it's not out of the realm of possibility. May bring it up next therapy apt. Kinda worried to bc I never want to get rid of them and I'm worried that would be one of the goals, like... just no. I can't think of anything more lonely.

But yea just random stuff I needed to get outta my system, sorry about all the suicidal stuff, it's just really hard. The future seems so bleak. And if one thing sets me back, like doctor stuff, food issues, etc my brain is like "DEATH WOULD BE EASIER LOL" BUT there's a chance trump/a republican candidate won't win, a chance climate change will be reversed/humanity will adapt somehow, a chance I'll be accepted for disability and live a halfway decent life, and if not... well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. But for now there's food in the fridge, for now mom and dad are alive, for now we're ok.

[captainimprobable]

I've known i had a sleep disorder for like 13 years, but didn't get diagnosed with anything til last year, and until LITERALLY THIS WEEK even though it's been hard and even though I've cried over it multiple times, I've been able to be like "hehe haha i have sleepy bitch disease" but i just suddenly realized that i actually have a real, tangible disability. And I KNEW that, and I was never hung up on that word or anything, but I've been fine bc sure it's been impacting my life, but I've always managed to hold down jobs right??? And then I thought about it. I managed at Trader Joe's bc I was active all the time. So I thought "oh, okay, while i get this disorder under control, I can work retail". Except I realized that a) this disorder will never be under control, and b)i worked retail before the disorder got WORSE, like it has gotten the last couple years. because when I worked it before, sure i was tired, but because i was always moving I was fine. But NOW I also get these waves of extreme exhaustion that mean i need to take a nap RIGHT THEN, and if I don't, I get really sick. So. How am I supposed to work a retail job if there's a chance I'll be incapacitated for at least an hour in the middle of my shift? And when I worked the office job? That was remote. And looking back, I slept half the work day. (I always got my work done anyway, but NO it was not ok to sleep through the work day. I know.) So now here I am, almost 6 months unemployed, about to run out of unemployment money, JUST NOW realizing that it is not physically possible to work. And meanwhile, everyone around me just acts like either "oh haha isnt everyone tired" or like Im overdramatic and making it up. So I went on to a facebook group for people like me, and asked for advice. Every response was "Sorry, no, this never gets better! Also I haven't worked in years! Good luck! <3" And now I'm looking at the rest of my life and realizing im always going to be this way. Im always going to be living at half speed. I will never actually be able to live up to my full potential. How am I ever supposed to work? How do I make money? I've been so hopeful and blase about this whole thing for years and suddenly its not so chill anymore. I'm SO fucking SCARED and Im looking for literally any answer or any help and there is none. You can try medication, but it doesnt always work (and im doing that. and its not working.) Otherwise, ig you just...pray?????? I literally cannot feel this way forever. I cant. That is just not a life at all. What the FUCK am i supposed to do??? (And now Im freaking out bc when this all started i would fall asleep while driving. That hasnt happened since college but what if it changes? What if I cant drive anymore? So many people with these problems simply are not allowed to drive. What the fuck do I do oh my god)

[eonars]

BORINGGGGG ⬇️🚫😴🤓

Moved into my actual long term place in the city today (have been living in my department head's basement apartment thing until my contract starts and that was way out in the countryside where the university is) right now it's 10:15pm and I'm all tucked up in the brand new fresh bedding I bought today for my dinky little twin bed because this is a one room studio. Which is worth honestly bc I'm paying only approx $1k a month for it and it's smack DEEP in the city center, walking distance from the train station and surrounded by all kinds of super exciting stuff. Tomorrow I need to unpack properly and go through the box of kitchen stuff the landlord gave me and decide what I want + do a big shop of establishing kitchen essentials + possibly another less big shop of homewares and storage/organization stuff perhaps. I've also been struck with the realization that tomorrow is Saturday night and I'm in the big city and can just.....go out if I want to and easily walk back here whenever I want. I gotta go into the office on Monday even though there's nothing to do because I need to retrieve my work laptop (left it there so there'd be one less thing to move) and I figure since I'm there I can also practice the presentation I have to give at this summer school program. The summer school program that I have to leave for on Tuesday because why would I get to just chill and settle in to the new place for more than 4 days you know. But that's where the real hard work is gonna start because they're gonna have us in lectures and practical sessions on cryopreservation and laser microscopy from the getgo which is giving me the major fear cause from here on out it's Real. Like I get back from this week long program and immediately it's time for my husbandry sessions and learning to do ivf on fish and a microdissection session and signing up for the ethics in animal experimentation course and I'm getting a weird fear that for whatever reason I'll just full stop be too stupid to determine cryodamage via laser microscopy and they'll be like actually you're done just go back. Which is stupid I'm aware because obviously they know full well I'm not an expert on this stuff and I've never even done it before and accepted me anyway but still. It just feels really surreal cause I suddenly got every single thing I've ever wished for in the space of like two months and I haven't been able to shake the feeling that somethings gonna go wrong and it's all gonna disappear and I'm gonna end up back home again. Or like I'm scared it's gonna be too hard and I won't be able to do it cause they overestimated me and I have the least lab and research experience out of all these other candidates because again I'm just a minimum wage waster from california they brought in vs veterinarians and research scientists. Like if doing ivf on a zebrafish was so easy surely everyone would be doing it. I've also had an unshakeable migraine for like 3 days now and I think even though I've been doing so well at a solid 11:30 to 7am sleep sched for these last few weeks I'm gonna let myself sleep in tomorrow morning before I rise and grind and unpack. And then maybe dress up and go sip a vodka soda in a metal bar alone looking like a spooked antelope.

[nicistrying]

Sun 8th Sep

Nothing really to report, I just want to put my thoughts and feelings into the void to look back on later.

Woke up this morning feeling better than yesterday. Lay cuddling Maggie, went downstairs and watched the last episode of Bly Manor with a cup of tea. Did some housework. Got a little moody while doing it bc I remembered shitty comments my sister in law makes about the house a lot when we see her. I just think she's so fucking rude, we have a black long haired dog how are we going to have a spotless house. I clean it every fucking weekend but it literally lasts 10 minutes and everything is dirty again either from the man or the dog I live with. Anyway put my earphones in to drown out those thoughts, had a sing and dance while hoovering. Got dressed to go out to visit a load of family and got sad and overwhelmed. My mam told my nanna I would go visit her today too so we had 4 visits to do instead of 3 which would already have been tiring. So we visited step-grandma who is a pain in the arse like EVERYTHING is a drama with her she's so negative and it's exhausting (ik I can't talk atm I'm no better). Then Nanna Mary which did cheer me up a lot to be fair. She told us about her trip out to the museum with the blind society she goes out with 🥹 she's my hero. She's not blind or even partially blind, she just goes along for fun with her friend who is partially sighted. Then we went to Matt's parents' and that went pretty much how we expected it to. They were okay, it was just hard work. Then we went to see my mams and had a nice little catch up with them.

When we finally got home I was so exhausted I just crawled into bed. Had a cuddle with Maggie and got a bit sad, because I was lying in bed at 6pm duh. In hindsight I could have stretched or even just watched tv and I probably would have felt better but I just felt exposed downstairs and wanted to hide in my duvet. But I just keep thinking I still haven't had a 'day off' since before our honeymoon. Not one day where I haven't had to work, or visit someone, or go somewhere or do something. For like 3 weeks at least, and before that was the wedding. So yeah I think I'm just really tired and overwhelmed and I think that's okay. I just have to push through the work week and try to take care of myself gently, and next weekend I can relax. Matt is working all weekend so he'll have the car so I won't physically be able to go out to visit anyone lol. Anyway that's what's happening. Yo-yoing between 'I feel quite depressed and overwhelmed and shit so I must be lazy and shit' to 'it's okay that I feel shit and I just need to be nice to myself through it and try to do some things that will help'. I feel like I'm walking a veeeery thin line 😂