#since his symptoms didn’t exactly match the research I had done on it

[solacebean]

I’m just saying there IS a difference and it’s kinda important

[lily-blue]

All the wounds you healed (and all the pain you caused)

☆ characters: idol!soonyoung & you ☆ genre: soulmate au, angst, fluff ☆ warnings: low self-esteem, anxiety, neglection, depression ☆ summary: A soulmate is a person who is as perfect for you as one can be. Then why is your relationship with Soonyoung so hard to keep alive? ☆ words: 11,6k ☆ also: i’d like to dedicate this story to my soulmate, @dat-town​. ♥ what did i learn during our 8th year together? that sometimes things aren’t ideal, but until we care for each other, everything will be alright. ♥ thank you so much for being a part of my life.

It had taken you a little longer than two decades to figure out what your soulmate mark was exactly since you were one of those people whose connection with their significant other was invisible, but at least those years behind your back that you had spent thinking you didn’t have a destined lover had prepared you for the heartache.

When you had been younger, but old enough for your close friends to start bumping into their soulmates one after the other, you had been dead set on the idea that the universe had messed up something when you had been born. Because no matter how much research you had done, how you had spent extra hours in the school library through middle and high school to look up every single invisible soulmate connection people knew of, you couldn’t have deciphered what yours was for the world. Your shadow had been perfectly normal, you had never woken up in another person’s body in the morning or had the chance to freak out due to a very much anticipated body switch, you couldn’t have heard unfamiliar voices in your head and your body temperature hadn’t changed when you had walked around in Seoul in your free time in hope of getting closer to your other half. None of your body’s reactions had seemed to match the symptoms those websites you had found had described and the closer CSATs had come, the less time and energy you had remained for these desperate explorations. By the time you had gotten into university, you had given up on the idea of finding your soulmate no matter how many times your parents had reassured you that everyone had someone special waiting for them to make their life whole. Smiling while listening to their comforting words, you had soon gained the habit of consoling yourself with utter nonsense whenever you had felt your anxiety rising around lovey-dovey couples. You had told yourself that it was fine, that you were still young, that you might not have been ready for a relationship anyway. You had told yourself that not every person was a good person, that not everyone craved love and intimate stuff like you did to begin with and - here came your personal favourite! - that it was better not having a soulmate at all than ending up with a serial killer. Since those days, no one could ever deny the latter.

Considering how all of your friends had found their significant others in high school and how your parents had been childhood best friends once, you had fallen fast and hard in your second year of university when during a lame Halloween party, you had met a boy who had still been alone (just like you). Your love with Jin had been one that people could have seen in movies and read in fantasy books where there hadn’t been any kind of soulmate system. He had taken you on café dates because he had chosen you and gotten to know you bit by bit since he had wanted to. It had felt deliberating and refreshing; the kisses, the lame jokes, the cuddles at either of your places at the end of a tiring day and the exchanged confessions out of absolutely nowhere. He had been someone you could have seen a future with and you had been sure that he had felt the same. He must have felt the same. Until one day he had taken you out on a BBQ date and told you that he had met his soulmate at the company where he had started his internship a week prior. Apparently, their outfits had matched five days out of five last week and when someone had teased them that they might have been meant to be, the girl had made the bold move Jinhyuk had been too afraid of: she had taken his hand in hers and the connection had been undeniable. They had felt it in their stomach, the butterflies that had been more eager and livelier than they had ever been while he had been with you. He had offered to buy you waffles at your favourite place before he had broken up with you, but you had declined the gesture. Actually, you had asked him to never contact you again if it hadn’t been about a life or death situation after you had wished him happiness with diamond-like tears in your eyes. You had wished to mourn your future together by yourself, without anything or anyone that could have reminded you of the love that you had lost so out of the blue.

The first few days, you had been in complete denial, busy with finishing your final project before graduation, but then Jin had given a box full of those stuff that you had left at his place to your best friend, and the realization had hit you hard. Once again, you had been on your own and that shit had hurt more than it should have considering that he hadn’t been your destined lover. Why had your heart gotten broken over a boy who had claimed tooth and nail that you would be able to feel real butterflies one day with someone else?

Inexperienced when it had come to break-ups, none of your close friends had known how to help you heal. Thus, you had decided to take advice from your beloved romance movies and had acted like a typical, dumped main character while they had let you be. After submitting the documentation of your final project, you had stayed in bed in your PJs all day long, eaten sweets for breakfast, lunch and dinner and watched stupid videos online to dull the pain. At first, you hadn’t realized the connection. It had been your best friend, Deokmi, who had planted the idea in your head: could it have been that your soulmate’s voice healed you? Nah, it must have been just music in general. Still, it had been undeniable that you had gotten over Jinhyuk within a week and a half, your heart feeling surprisingly light even when you had bumped into him and his new girlfriend by accident on your graduation day.

Working at a culture-oriented radio station while living your capital letter Adult Life in Seoul, you didn’t think too much into possible soulmate marks anymore. Until one day you found yourself at your high school reunion party, and engaging yourself in too many soulmate talks, you couldn’t sit still for a moment. At first, people kept asking you about your other half and how the two of you had met, but after a while, as rumours spreaded, they started giving you pitiful glances whenever you corrected someone and admitted that you were still single. They congratulated you on your recent promotion, but you couldn’t stop assuming how they called your life dull and miserable behind your back and it made you feel anxious. Therefore, while you didn’t have a certain place to be at or a certain thing to do that night, when you noticed another familiar figure walking towards your table with her plus one, you stood up rather abruptly and told Deokmi that you would check out the coffee menu at the counter real quick.

In reality, however, you rushed to the women’s restroom and locked yourself up in one of the toilet cubicles with your shaking hands on each side of your face. You tried to calm yourself with breathing exercises as they had helped a lot in freshman year at university, but nothing seemed to change. Your mind was still filled with worries and you also failed to focus on your surroundings no matter how determined you were to describe one or two objects around you to gain a bit of control. For the first time since graduation, you reminisced about your relationship with Jinhyuk and how good being loved had felt like. You thought back on the heartbreak. And that was when the silly idea struck you.

It took you three attempts to open your leather purse and another two to unlock your phone, but when you succeeded, you searched up a song you had been addicted to a few years ago, hit play and pushed the speaker close to your ear. It didn’t help at first, which only made your anxiety grow, yet as soon as you got to your favourite part, the current singer’s soothing voice melted your nervousness. It wasn’t a fast process. Of course, it wasn’t. It was slow like how warmth crept under one’s skin while sipping on a mug of hot cocoa at the end of a wintry day. It was how a comforting hug was supposed to feel, and by the time the third song came to an end on the automatically generated playlist, you could finally breathe.

After you quickly fixed your clothes and smudged make-up in the mirror, you ordered a mug of hot cocoa from the smiley barista girl at the café and bakery that your ex-class president had booked for the occasion and stayed at the counter while you finished it until the last drop. Engaging into small conversations with the lilac haired employee was almost too easy and you appreciated her humour, especially when she impersonated the cheesiest couples and her voice got super high pitched while mimicking the gossip queen of your year.

‘So this is where you’ve been hiding all night,’ you heard Deokmi’s playful accusation from your right and looking at her, you just shrugged and told her how the company at the counter was a lot better than at your assigned table. To her displeasure, she couldn’t really protest. Im Yoori and her soon-to-be-husband were a handful. Especially when one was sober.

‘Ready to go? Or would you rather have me persuade my new friend to put some extra shots of rum into your drink, too?’ You asked with a goofy smile and your index finger pointing at the lilac haired girl who just shook her head with a lopsided smirk. She might have gone a tad bit overboard when she had mixed your second hot cocoa, but she definitely didn’t regret it. You were fun when you were tipsy.

Your best friend kindly declined the upgraded drink and said thanks to the barista for keeping you company when she had been too busy chatting with old classmates. Then, she took you by the hand and led you to her car so that she could take the both of you home before it could have gotten too late. You had work tomorrow even though it was a Saturday, but things in the entertainment industry were just like this. And you wouldn’t have changed it for the world.

You dozed off a couple of times on the way, but when you recognized Hoshi’s voice on the radio, you couldn’t help but tell Deokmi about the restroom incident and how he had healed your heart again. Between carefree giggles, you reminded her of her assumption that he might have been your significant other and she shook her head, assuring you that you would have a lot of things to discuss the day after, starting with your tendency to hide your pain when you weren’t okay. She hated when you were acting like everything was sunshine and butterflies. And she hated it even more that you could deceive her still despite knowing you since middle school. How could she have not seen how nervous you had been when you had just admitted that you had a mild anxiety attack?

You had a morning shift the following day so you had plenty of time to prepare yourself for Deokmi’s scolding. Still, when she joined you for dinner with two boxes of fried chicken and a bottle of family sized coke, your legs were drumming a rhythm you had never heard before and your palms were clammy as though she could have cut off all ties with you and kicked you out of your own apartment at any given moment. Heck. You hadn’t been living together since university - she had moved in with her long-term boyfriend after graduation -, so what was with you suddenly?

You didn’t reach out towards the food, nor made any attempt to cook that packet of instant ramen noodles that you had originally planned to prepare that night, but when Deokmi slid one of the boxes closer to your frozen figure, you gulped down the knot in your throat. You had done nothing unforgivable, you told yourself. She had no reason to be super upset this time, you kept repeating it in your head like a mantra. It wasn’t like you had disappeared for hours without a word like you had done at Minah’s wedding.

‘Won’t you eat? It’s your favourite,’ Deokmi’s question pulled you back to reality, reminding you of just how hungry you were. Your mouth was literally salivating the moment you made eye contact with the mighty, spicy chicken breast. 

‘Thanks,’ you mumbled under your nose while you quickly washed your hands with the wet wipes the restaurant employees had thrown into the plastic bag, devouring the first crispy piece not long after. It was delicious albeit more lukewarm than hot. But you were too lazy to reheat it in the microwave.

The silence that embraced your duo while you were eating was uncomfortable, but nowhere near as nerve-racking as you had predicted it to be, so you could work with it. You filled two plastic cups with coke to distract yourself, opened various containers of sauces - even those you didn’t particularly like, but knew that Deokmi was a sucker for - and stole a couple of chicken wings from your best friend, earning a scoff from her when you shielded your own box with your arms. 

Silence after that was more comforting. It didn’t warm your soul like Hoshi’s voice, but it put your heart at ease as soon as you noticed the small smile in the corner of your friend’s mouth. She wouldn’t cut all ties with you, after all. You were stupid for thinking in such extremes without the tiniest reason, but you couldn’t have helped. It had become a habit of yours over the years and it was super hard to get rid of. Even if Deokmi was nothing but supportive and understanding towards you from day one, this mindset stuck with you. 

‘I’m mad, yes,’ she started and you looked up at her from your cup, letting your hand fall on the table while you were waiting for her to keep going. If you had hurt her feelings last night, you wanted to make up for it at least by giving her a chance to try and talk some sense into you. Not that you could have guaranteed that it would make any difference as it hadn’t done so the past couple of times, either. It wasn’t because you didn’t like showing weakness. It was because you didn’t like the idea of ruining their mood with your loneliness. ‘But I also know you and I’m just glad his voice helped. So…’

You raised a brow.

‘So?’

Deokmi leaned on her elbows and shot an unnerving grin in your direction before she stole a piece of spicy chicken breast from your box.

‘We need a plan,’ she claimed confidently and you groaned. Because seeing the excited glint in her chocolate eyes, you knew she would do everything in her power to figure out whether your theory about Hoshi was right and if it had been, then to push you closer to the guy and give you those damned butterflies Jinhyuk had claimed to leave you for.

But contacting idols without a company or an influential figure behind your back - especially idols as famous as the members of Seventeen - seemed to be an impossible task. First of all, they were pretty well-guarded which meant that you would have needed to fight your way through their guards, managers and other staff members, too, if you had decided to approach them during one of their schedules. Taking that your arms were as strong as boiled noodles, this option was obviously out of question. Especially because the last thing you had yearned for was a night at a stuffy police station for harassing your potential soulmate and his best friends.

Secondly, your soulmate mark was still an invisible one and your brain worked terribly under too much pressure. How could you have explained everything to him before their staff would have thrown you out of the site? You feared public humiliation almost as much as you feared his hatred. You couldn’t start off on the wrong foot with your soulmate. And people close to him convincing him that you were a sasaeng fan sounded like a misunderstanding too huge to resolve.

And last but not least, he was an idol. He might have had hundreds of thousands of people in his life who had tried to convince him at one point in his career that they were his soulmate. Which led you to your biggest insecurity: even though having a soulmate was a norm in your society, idols still belonged to their fans. What right did you have to claim him as yours and destroy his dreams along the way? This question stressed you out more than you showed which only made you feel more guilty since you had promised Deokmi that you would try to be more open about your feelings at least with her.

Still, your inner turmoil didn’t stop you from rolling your eyes in a playful manner when your best friend shoved your laptop into your hands two days after your dinner filled with childish planning and daydreaming. And your laughter was also genuine when she scoffed here and there while she proofread the email you were about to send to Pledis.

‘Oh my… are you sure you want to meet the guy to check our soulmate theory? Because it sounds as if you wanted to strike a contract with him. Look! “I would be grateful if you considered scheduling a meeting with Kwon Soonyoung on any day available for the artist.” Seriously?’ She shook her head in disapproval before she deleted the whole email and started to re-write it on her own, not letting you do anything more than stealing a few glances at the screen despite your whines.

The final version of the letter was a mixture of compromises. It had a professional vibe, but it also contained emotions that could have convinced whoever would read it first to not delete it right away. Or so that you thought until a few weeks later, there was still no reply and you slowly gave up on receiving any.

Deokmi was just as disappointed as you felt - some people might have thought that she was more emotionally involved in your love life than you were, considering how vocal she was about it -, but neither of you were the types who gave up without a fight. The two of you and her boyfriend became more active under the Seventeen members’ posts on social media while you also spent more and more of your free time wandering around their agency just to give a chance to fate to do its job. After all, if he had been indeed your soulmate, some higher power would have allowed the two of you to meet, right? It needed to.

And it did. It might have taken you several months, but one night, when you were sipping on your hot cocoa in a park near Pledis despite the chilly, autumnal weather, he was wandering around the neighbourhood, too, with a mug of hot tea in his hands and Dino by his side. They were dressed in comfortable clothes with a cap atop of their head and a mask under their chin, munching on street food and joking around casually as though they weren’t famous enough to be recognized by their fans at any given moment despite the late hour and the dim light. Not that you were too familiar with Carats. Maybe, they were more chill than most kpop fandoms. Maybe the boys knew better and the only reason you could recognize them was the tug you had felt in your stomach the moment Hoshi’s laughter had filled the air.

You felt itchy when you stood up from the bench you had been sitting on during the past ten or so minutes, but you tried your best to soothe your nerves and not let your worries take this opportunity from you. You needed to talk to him now that you had no guards to get through in order to reach him. You had to, even though he wasn’t alone and Dino seemed genuinely annoyed when you mustered up your courage and stepped in front of them.

‘I’m sorry, I… khm. I really don’t want to disturb either of you, I promise, it’s just I…’ you rambled, forcing yourself to not stare at the ground like you would have usually done, but to look for comfort in Hoshi’s chocolate brown orbs. If your soulmate bond allowed him to heal you, it should have calmed your nerves before you could have thrown up, right at their shoes. Dear Lord! You really shouldn’t have asked for extra whipped cream at the coffee shop just because it had been for free. The sugar was messing with your stomach.

‘It’s just you…?’ Hoshi asked when it became painfully obvious that you wouldn’t get to the end of your monologue no matter how determined you had been when you had walked up to them. The childlike curiosity in his eyes made you feel as though you were hugging the Sun and you didn’t have to be a genius to realize that the cold had nothing to do with the beet red colour of your cheeks. They were burning because of him.

Yet, you didn’t break eye contact. Instead, you reminded yourself of the well-known fact that your soulmate was supposed to be made for you hence, in case your suspicion was correct, he would understand. He might have felt just as nervous as you did under the surface. He was just better at hiding it since he was a public figure. You had nothing to be afraid of. Unless he didn’t feel the slowly fading pull in his lower abdomen like you did and they called the police because they deemed you a crazy fan. In that case, you had every right to be scared.

‘I’m sorry,’ you started again after you gulped down the knot in your throat and put the close to empty paper cup on the ground before you could have poured its content onto any of you due to how bad your urge was to squeeze the living daylight out of the poor object. ‘It’s just that… so I have a theory that we’re soulmates,’ you claimed and almost lost all your courage the moment Dino scoffed on your left. Shit. How many people could have used the very same line before you? You should have come up with something more original, but even if Deokmi had helped you memorize a killing conversation starter, it would have been of no use. Your brain wasn’t working.

However, unlike the younger, Hoshi didn’t seem annoyed with your claim or your slow pace. In fact! He elbowed Dino in the ribs, coaxing a confused giggle out of you, then encouraged you to tell them your theory with the friendliest smile you had ever seen.

‘Okay. So…’ You shot a subtle smile in Hoshi’s way. ‘It all started when I first got my heart broken, but my suspicion only got bigger a few months ago, at my high school reunion party,’ you explained and the more you said, the more detailed your story became.

Under different circumstances - in almost every other situation -, you would have felt too shy to talk about your feelings in front of strangers, but while you were this close to Hoshi, somehow the words left your mouth naturally even despite Dino’s presence. For some reason, in spite of your endless worries, you didn’t care what they thought of you after hearing about your anxiety attacks or that you had fallen in love with someone who wasn’t your soulmate. You believed that they would understand and that without these tiny albeit important pieces of information, you would have risked more than you risked with your raw honesty.

By the time you got to the part where you listed all the different ways you had tried to reach out to him during the past months - feeling embarrassed when you admitted that Deokmi had gotten banned from Weverse for an entire week in September due to her “aggressive attempts to gain the Seventeen members’ attention” -, you were fairly out of breath, but one glance at Hoshi was enough to make up for the pathetic state of your slowly dying social battery. Dino might have been visibly sceptical, wary of letting you get close to one of his hyungs, but Hoshi was sort of convinced since you had mentioned the tug you had felt in your stomach. He had felt that, too, the moment you had stumbled upon your words with the most endearing crimson cheeks he had had the pleasure to see. Your voice made funny things with his heart, too.

Even though he would have liked to ask for your KKT ID on the spot so that he could have gotten to know you better, the boy knew that he couldn’t be careless when it came to his career. As a member of Seventeen, as one of the leaders to be precise, he had to look out for the boys, too, and make each of his important decisions accordingly. Rationally speaking, he wouldn’t have been the only one who had to face the negative consequences of his actions if things had turned out unfortunately with you. Therefore, he needed more evidence, more time to put his trust in you.

Which you obviously understood so you didn’t push him. Instead, you accepted what he was willing to offer and agreed to meet up with him at a private place that he knew in the suburbs a week later. He gifted you with a hopeful smile when he took your phone into his hands and jotted down the address in your notes along with the name of the dance studio, a time and a tiger emoji. You bid your goodbyes barely a minute later.

To say that you were nervous when you stepped inside the booked practice room two doors from the zumba class that the receptionist lady hadn’t failed to gush you about as soon as you had addressed her, would have been an understatement. You were terrified. Mostly because you were an awful dancer and your potential soulmate was a born performer. You were worried that he would be disappointed in you the second he saw you stumbling upon your own feet in the middle of a choreography or that he would find you ugly with your sweaty body and red face ten minutes into a relatively easy routine.

But then your gaze landed on three boxes of fried chicken, a box of pizza, some fried noodles and two bottles of family sized coke and your anxiety disappeared. Because apparently, your soulmate didn’t intend to torture you for hours while teaching you his favourite Seventeen choreographies like he had done in many fanfictions you had entertained yourself with during the past weeks, but would have rather talked with you over a delicious meal. Once again, you had been worried for nothing. Damned Kwon Soonyoung and his odd choice of location. If you had known that this had been his plan all along, you wouldn’t have come here in a pair of leggings and a loose tee, but something prettier. Was it too late to put on some make-up in the restroom?

‘You look pretty,’ was the first thing the idol said to you as though he was reading your mind and you rolled your eyes as a defence mechanism despite how much his compliment meant to you. He didn’t seem to mind, though. He just patted the wooden floor on his right and melted the remains of your anxiety with a wide smile. ‘Do you like listening to music while eating and chatting or prefer ambient background noises? Personally, I’m fine with either until the food is good and the company is pleasant,’ he inquired, diving into a conversation right away as if talking to strangers was second nature to him. And maybe it was. Maybe, his liveliness wasn’t just an act that he put on in front of the cameras. This thought made you smile without realizing.

‘I’m fine with either, too. What about some instrumental music? That’s almost in the middle,’ you proposed, not expecting Soonyoung to put on Yiruma out of all options, but appreciating his choice nevertheless. He was your favourite contemporary pianist and composer - you had been at two of his concerts with your mother before you had moved out from home hence his music always reminded you of your teenage years - although he couldn’t have known. It must have been a hunch. An unconscious decision that signalled how you were indeed meant to be. Deokmi would have agreed with you.

‘Should we ask questions in turns or just go with the flow? Not gonna lie, I’ve way too many, but I don’t want to overwhelm you,’ Soonyoung asked casually albeit a tad bit hyped. While you had come to the dance studio with the mindset that you would need to prove yourself to him, his behaviour made it super clear that he had no expectations. Slight doubts, perhaps, but only because neither of you had visible soulmate marks that would make it hard to prove to his managers and the leaderboard of Pledis that you were the one. It had been completely different when a year ago, Jeonghan had asked for the company’s approval regarding his relationship with his soulmate, Yoohyeon, since their mark left no room for cross-questions. The timer on their wrists had reached zero when the 2nd AD had opened the door of the dressing room on the second day of music video shooting and the singer had asked for five more minutes of nap time although he had been nowhere near any of the leather couches as he had been annoying Seungcheol for long minutes by then simply because he had craved free food and had wanted the leader to buy him Korean BBQ.

‘You can ask anything. I don’t mind,’ you said, preferring the role of the interviewee despite your curiosity. Of course, you had your own questions stored in the back of your mind, but for now, you would have been content if you could have just answered as many regarding your life as possible since that was easier not to mess up. You were familiar with your own habits and interests, your own dreams and boundaries. You knew nothing about what made him happy from one moment to the other, in every situation, or which topics you should have avoided with every available means to keep the light atmosphere.

‘Same,’ Soonyoung claimed with a wide smile that made his eyes look much smaller, but much brighter at the same time.

You accepted the plastic cup of coke Soonyoung slid towards you on the floor and helped him open the tiny sauce containers before you dived into the savoury fried chicken wings and answered his first question about your hobbies which you didn’t have that many. Still, when you told him how you liked to spend your free time indoors, reading in foreign languages and colouring mandalas to distress, he acted as if you talked about things as interesting as bungee jumping. He was surprisingly responsive and zealous which made you doubt his sincerity at first, but as time passed by, you realized that it was just him, Kwon Soonyoung, around you, his soulmate. He was shameless and loud and unapologetic. He filled the void before it could have consumed you as naturally, he had enough energy to make up for the lack of yours while you were asking about his childhood and unique fascination with tigers. He balanced you in a way Jinhyuk had never been able to. And suddenly, you understood his reasons for choosing those damned butterflies.

Strangely enough, your first heartfelt laugh filled the air of the practice room when you failed to hold back a burp after the second cup of coke. You should have felt embarrassed, repeating your apologies over and over again until Soonyoung reassured you that he didn’t look at you differently because of something so utterly mundane, but you didn’t. You simply stared at him, him staring at you with his wide eyes and parted lips, and laughed. He looked so silly.

‘Ya! You must feel really comfortable around me already!’ He teased while you were wiping your tears to no avail. They kept falling from your eyes, urging the idol to lend you a helping hand as though he could have succeeded. As if the problem was your hand and not the lack of tissues or how all over the place your emotions were.

‘Yah…’ you mimicked him a lot softer, frozen to the spot when his fingertips made contact with your warm cheeks. He was too close, way too close and yet, there was not a single fibre in your body that wanted to push him away. ‘I just… I burped, I…’

He nodded in acknowledgement and dried up your cheeks with the paws of his sweater, his gaze fixed on your tinted skin. You gulped, wondering whether he noticed the faint scars on your chin and if he had done, whether he had thought of them as flaws like you did.

You couldn’t tell when you had closed your eyes exactly or what had urged you to do so, but your heart was grateful for the action when Soonyoung’s lips brushed against yours in such a gentle fashion that the light touch of his nose against your cheek was more notable. Waiting for the familiar press, for him to lean just a tad bit closer so you could taste the pizza on his lips, you held back your breath in anticipation although the kiss never came.

‘I’m sorry. We should… it’s too fast. I’m sorry,’ he apologized, coaxing your eyes open with the frown in his voice. He sat at an arm’s length from you, a little further than he had done before and once you discovered the newfound distance, an invisible hand grabbed your heart and squeezed it to remind you of how difficult your situation was with Soonyoung. Because he was an idol and idols lived for their fans first and for their agency second. Could he even have had room in his life for a soulmate? Seeing those walls he put between the two of you, you weren’t that sure.

‘It’s fine. I’m fine,’ you said nevertheless, hiding your pain like you always did and smiling at him to ease his nerves. It was new to not be on the receiving side of the comforting words, but not entirely bad. You were well aware of the circumstances and that it would be hard to convince the people around him and his fans about your connection without a visible mark. The public could be harsh even with those who had indubitable proof that they belong to certain celebrities. So how could you have expected them to be accepting when you could have been a con artist for all they knew? You were nothing but a liability for his agency.

The more he told you about Pledis and his members who had soulmates, the more impossible it became to bear the pain in your chest, but you managed. Because this way at least you could be a hundred percent certain that your theory was correct. He had to be your destined lover or else, you wouldn’t have experienced agony over a few, simple words. Dear Lord! Soonyoung hadn’t turned you down when he had made up his mind at the last moment before your kiss. He had only asked for your patience. So why were you mourning your relationship already when he wasn’t your boyfriend?

‘Here. So we could keep in touch even when we’re busy,’ the boy gave you his KKT ID with a sheepish smile, mending your heart effortlessly even though he also asked you not to look for him in person again and to not linger around Pledis in hope of seeing him like you had done in the past few months.

You obviously gave him your word each and every time he brought up another ultimate, but on your way home from the dance studio, under the street lights, you couldn’t have helped but wish you could have exchanged promises less distant and worrisome.

Finding your soulmate was nothing like how you had imagined when you had been younger. For a starter, you couldn’t tell anyone about Soonyoung other than Deokmi and her boyfriend, who had already known about your suspicion, and even they had needed to sign some papers, giving their words to not talk about your soulmate to anyone either privately or in public. You still felt embarrassed whenever you thought back at those faces that they had made when you had told them about Pledis’ conditions, but other than the occasional confusion in their eyes, they never made you feel as though it wasn’t normal. Except that you knew it wasn’t exactly ordinary, either. Because what kind of soulmates hid their connection from everyone and met only once or twice a month?

The worst part was that you couldn’t have even said that you didn’t try your best. You were pretty understanding and learned to adjust your lifestyle to Soonyoung’s in a matter of weeks so that you could respond to his texts and impromptu video calls when he was online. Still, the timing of your fragile relationship was off from the beginning because not long after your third date, Seventeen started to prepare for a comeback and then came the promotions. Which naturally meant less time and energy for Soonyoung to spare on his private life including not just you but his family as well. So why did it come to you as a surprise that you heard the rumour of their two-month-long overseas tour from Deokmi instead of him? Maybe, your expectations were still too high even after lowering the bar. You wondered whether you were the only one who felt the pain when you were apart.

Admittedly, you might have been a tad bit reckless when you contacted the guys in the performance team to help you surprise him on his birthday, but not even Minghao told you that bringing a cake to the practice room was a bad idea, and by that time, you were familiar with the Chinese boy’s persona enough to be reassured by his lack of snarky remarks. He even offered you a helping hand with the gift wrapping for which you couldn’t have been more grateful. Because despite your efforts, the custom-made tiger plushie that you had made for Soonyoung was a pain in the ass to wrap in paper.

Your palms were clammy when Chan gave you the green light and shoving your phone back into your pocket, you opened the door of the practice room. Trying to not drop the cake thus anger the cleaning staff of the company, you remained close to the wall the whole time while a few members of the group joined you and helped you sing the classic Happy Birthday song for Soonyoung. It was a nice moment, a rare one on top of that because you had never been in the same room with all the boys before, but fortunately, the place was spacious and the guys were more hyped about the cake than about your presence which helped you enjoy yourself without worrying about the smallest mishaps. You had never been good at handling situations where people paid too much attention to you.

Soonyoung knew about your constant fight with your anxiety that had gotten worse after your break-up with Jinhyuk. He knew because he had already experienced your episodes a couple of times during the past six months, holding you and talking to you through them each and every time without making you feel bad or changing his opinion about you as an individual. He made you feel accepted and loved in your lows that naturally helped you heal in a slow albeit visible pace. He was your safe place despite not being around as much as you wanted him to. So to say that you hadn’t expected him out of all people to roll his eyes when Chan asked him to blow out the candles was an understatement. You thought he would be over the Moon from your mere presence the same way your heart was beating like crazy due to his closeness. Wasn’t he happy that he could celebrate with you all?

‘What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at work?’ He asked as soon as he put the water bottle back on the floor and regained his composure. Soonyoung’s eyes were full of emotions you failed to decipher and it scared you. Was he angry with you? The possibility punched you in the stomach and made you want to throw up in the middle of the practice room.

‘Oh come on, Soonie! Don’t be a buzzkill,’ Jeonghan interjected playfully as he stole a piece of chocolate from atop of the cake, grinning around the sweet treat in his mouth. The blonde boy gave you an approving hum and a thumbs up before he reached out for another one, but Seungcheol was faster and pushed his hand away in a disapproving manner to save it for the birthday boy.

‘I wasn’t talking to you,’ Soonyoung spat, not sparing more than a passing, displeased glance at his hyung before his steps came to a halt right in front of you. ‘You shouldn’t be here. You promised me you won’t linger around the company anymore.’

The sweaty boy took the cake out of your hand without blowing off the candles and shoved it into the closest victim’s the same second you heard Jihoon scoff somewhere on your right.

‘Soonyoung!’ 

‘And I don’t,’ you objected immediately, feeling wronged and hurt by your soulmate’s words. You were aware of what you had promised each other on your first date. You were aware of a dozen other promises, too, that he and his managers had made you make since that day. And you had never broken a single one of them. You didn’t post anything about him on social media, you never spoke about your relationship to anyone including your own family, you hadn’t called him more than once a day during promotions. You even kept those promises he didn’t know about: the ones you had made on your own when you had been alone. You made sure to not put too much pressure on him when he didn’t have more than a couple of minutes to talk to you. You never complained when he forgot a plan, no matter how disappointed you felt on your 100th day anniversary, on White Day and even on your birthday. You appreciated even the tiniest efforts he made: the chocolate he had bought a week after White Day and the cozy take-out date at yours almost a month after your birthday. Therefore, you really, truly didn’t think that you deserved Soonyoung’s accusation just because you had wished to make this day a bit more special.

‘You can’t just come here whenever you feel like it. We need to practice the new choreos, we don’t have time for this,’ he said in a tired voice, taking you and a few of his members by surprise when he took your slightly shaking hands in his. You stared down at the bracelet on your right wrist that you had gotten from him for Christmas in the beginning of your life together. Then, your gaze caught a glimpse at the lack of his identical one on his. You gulped down the bile that threatened to burn your throat.

‘I…’ you started, not sure whether you wanted to apologize or ask for a breath of air. Had the practice room been this hot and stuffy when you had crossed its threshold, too? Maybe, you should have looked for one of the managers to do something with the AC. Yeah, you should have definitely left and done something about it, anything.

Soonyoung’s thumbs were drawing soothing circles onto your wrist, but for some reason, the itching feeling that you should have done something about the temperature didn’t disappear. A voice inside your head told you that if only you had found one of the staff members, things would have been less tense. You had to go and…

‘You promised. Go home. I’ll call you when we’re done here,’ he asked you again and you found yourself nodding along in agreement at some point without wanting to leave. The pain in your chest reappeared, but you said nothing. You kept nodding like a broken toy.

‘Come on! We could use a break, hyung. She brought your favourite cake,’ the maknae of the group chirped in, taking the cake from Mingyu, but before he could have said more you took a shallow breather and pulled your hand out of Soonyoung’s tense grip. You turned towards the boy with a weak smile and hid your trembling hands behind your back. You didn’t want to scare him or make him feel bad just because they were busier than he had thought. You also didn’t want him to rub Soonyoung the wrong way even more by refusing to respect his decision when it was his responsibility to help them perfect the choreography. 

‘It’s okay, Chan-ah! I didn’t plan to stay for too long, anyway. Just wanted to say hi which I did so I guess… I will ask one of your managers to put the cake in the fridge for now. It will taste better after practice,’ you reassured him with the brightest fake smile you could manage. You hoped that your voice had enough confidence to fool him.

‘Noona!’ He whined, pouting to emphasize his disappointment and if you had been in a better mood, you would have reminded him of the first time you had met. The contrast between that night and now was amusing, but only until your mind didn’t point out the difference between that Soonyoung and the one who was waiting for you to stop distracting his members.

You closed your eyes and took the cake from Chan, telling him and everyone else in the room that you would make sure that they would be able to enjoy it for dinner. You also promised to give Soonyoung’s gift to someone who would keep it safe, a bit under the weather that you wouldn’t be able to see his face when he opened it.

‘Seventeen, hwaiting!’ You cheered them, loud, before the door closed behind your back, the energy slowly fading from your body once you found yourself alone in the corridor. It hurt. The walls he put between the two of you hurt. But thinking back at his furrowed brows and the annoyance on his face, at least you knew that you were the only one who experienced the down side of your bound. It brought you a piece of relief that your assumptions were once again right. Unlike you, Soonyoung didn’t feel the heartache when you were apart.

The night of his birthday, not long after 11PM, your phone was blowing up with notifications from the boys. You received many beaming and silly selfies of them with the cake, texts that showed their gratitude for the delicious treat and messages that indicated that they felt sorry for what had happened earlier that day. Just like how you did with people you weren’t super close to but considered as your friends, you dismissed their pity with your favourite stickers - with the unbothered, surfing penguin with a cup of hot coffee in its hands and the duck that wiped the sweat off its temple. You often preferred to use these when words failed to convey your sarcasm. Later, you wished them good night and told them to actually sleep since in two days, they would be off to America therefore they needed as much rest as they could get. You knew some of them took flights worse than others.

It was past midnight and you were already under your blankets when Soonyoung also sent you a selfie with the huge tiger plushie you had gotten for him. He apologized for being so annoyed with you when you had only wanted the best for him and promised to keep his emotions in check more effectively from then on so that he wouldn’t take his frustration with himself out on you. You believed him like you always did and gave in to the urge to send him a smiley selfie back with your tired eyes half-closed and your messy hair covering your pillow. He wished he could have set it as his lock screen, but he knew their fans would have noticed it the moment he went live without supervision hence he hid it in a folder that - unbeknownst to you - he had dedicated to you after your second date at the dance studio.

But no matter how much both of you claimed to care about the other, things got exponentially worse when Seventeen left the country and the time difference made it nearly impossible for you to find a time period when the both of you were free. Which wouldn’t have been a huge problem in itself if your friends hadn’t had enough of you moping over the lack of affection in your life whenever you saw them with their soulmates. If only you could have at least told them about Soonyoung! Your excuses for why you didn’t want them to set you up with their other soulmate-less friends started to get boring and their endless enthusiasm tiring. You were annoyed with them. You were annoyed with yourself. And you hated the whole situation. You hated to have a soulmate whom his fans were allowed to claim as theirs, but you weren’t.

Consumed by your own negativity, feeling numb and heartbroken soon became a norm and the pain in your chest just didn’t want to disappear. Sometimes, it faded, but only when your soulmate called you or left you voice notes which was rare. Your soulmate connection was slowly sucking your energy away and at one point while he was away, you got so depressed from neglection that none of your friends could reach you for an entire week. All you could focus on was that you weren’t his everything like the universe made him be in your case, and the fear that he would put you at the bottom of the list like how Jinhyuk had done all those years ago came back to bite you in the butt. You were scared, sad and miserable.

Why would anyone have wanted to be with you?

You had never taken it well when someone scolded you, but somehow, when it was Lee Chan who called you out on your bullshit, it made you laugh genuinely.

‘Stop drinking so much and quit laughing! I’m being serious here, noona!’ He made another futile attempt at taking the green bottle out of your hands, your grip only getting tighter around its slim neck when you noticed that Junhui’s shiny glass was once again empty. It was your responsibility to refill it like the diligent host you were.

‘Oh come on, Chan-ah! I can take more!’ You reasoned, pouring all of you another round of fruity soju before you let out another giggle to the maknae’s dismay. He was so adorable, you wanted to pinch his cheeks, but you had already tried that two shots ago and you could still decipher the phantom pain of his teeth sinking into your palm so you kept your distance.

Admittedly, you weren’t a heavy weight - your limit was around four cans of cheap beer, half a bottle of wine or two shots of soju from the least strong types -, but the other two members of the performance team had decided to let you be this time when you had made a comment on Soonyoung’s absence without meaning to. Shouldn’t your boyfriend have had time too, if the rest of the boys were able to pay an unexpected visit to you?

‘I rushed it. The timing’s all wrong, I push - hic - shed it. It’s on me, this,’ you mumbled in a single breath, convinced that you were the one to blame for where your relationship with your soulmate was heading. If only you had let things work out naturally instead of spending every minute of your free time trying to bump into him! Then, maybe, the dancer would have loved you differently. Then, maybe, you could have been someone for him who he had yearned to meet instead of someone who he had had to start a relationship with to be considered normal. Were the two of you even together because you loved each other or because of mere expectations? Did he tell you he loved you because he really meant it or because that was the right answer for your shy confessions? Your messed up brain started to doubt everything you two were.

‘That’s stupid. You can’t possibly think that,’ Junhui claimed with a displeased snort, his gaze unfocused as he shook his head vehemently. Was his glass empty again?

‘You can’t change the universe’s ways, sweetheart. You wouldn’t have met him if it wasn’t the right time,’ Minghao reasoned, but your skull was too thick and your mind too fuzzy to be convinced so easily. You shrugged like his words meant nothing. How would he have known? The last time you had checked, he had met his soulmate during the American tour by accident and had promised the girl that he would wait for her until she finished her masters in Boston. Unlike you, he was patient so you were quite certain that they would be on the good side of whatever higher power was writing your destiny.

‘He has a career now. He’s not ready,’ you reasoned and if anything, the fact that Soonyoung was most probably still at the company while the guys made time for checking on your pathetic ass convinced you that you were right and they were wrong. You were a chore for him, something that might have been fun and exciting in the beginning, but had become a high-maintenance duty as time had passed.

‘That’s why we had to come over to make sure you actually talk to us?’ Junhui asked, hurt evident in his voice to everyone in the room but you. With your legs pulled against your chest and your forehead resting atop of your kneecaps, you were too busy thinking of you as some sort of heavy burden in your soulmate’s life to realize that your actions weren’t just shielding you from the pain. They were hurting those who sincerely cared about you and your feelings.

Your silence triggered different reactions in the boys. Jun chose to finish the fruity soju you had let go of, Minghao took his hand off yours, but made sure to remain close, while Chan got annoyed. He scoffed and threw a pillow at you to gain your attention.

‘So that’s what you’re doing?’ He asked, taken aback by the sadness in your eyes, though, he pushed the topic nevertheless. ‘Blaming yourself and being all sad alone when you could just talk to hyung and work it…’

‘You don’t understand, Chan! It’s more complicated than that,’ you snapped, even though you felt bad about your raised voice as soon as the words left your mouth. He didn’t know what he was talking about so you shouldn’t have gotten angry. He had the right to be upset with you. He didn’t know how difficult it could get to be around you when you felt drained and helpless against the voices in your head. The walls between you and your friends that kept them from knowing these details were on you. You had no one else to blame.

‘Complicated how?’

‘Chan!’

As Minghao’s scolding failed to gain either of your attention, you straightened your back and hit your chest with your fist once, twice, three times. You didn’t tear your gaze from Chan’s confused eyes and slightly parted lips.

‘He hurts me,’ You claimed, hot tears brimming in your eyes. You didn’t want to cry in front of them because you knew that later it would make you feel as though you manipulated them emotionally. But it was so hard to hold back when Chan was so determined to make you talk. ‘His perfectionism, him choosing an hour extra practice instead of me hurt me,’ so you said, eyes growing wide and shining with terror once the realization hit you. Why had you let these thoughts slip out of your mouth? And in front of the performance team members, no less! The first teardrop ran down your cheek that was ruby from both the alcohol and your growing embarrassment.

And from the shame that washed over your entire being upon seeing the disappointment in Chan’s eyes. You swore, you could feel the cold radiating from his body while he stood up from the carpet, finished his drink and took a step closer to you so that he could point at your tiny figure on the couch from an arm’s length. He wanted you to feel his words, not just hear them.

‘Well, this is how it is to date an idol, I guess. You have to get used to it,’ he spat, his visible hatred making you panic. If you hadn’t lost Soonyoung already, once Chan told him about your ungrateful attitude, you would, anyway. It was only a matter of time.

‘It’s not that,’ you whispered, the words too quiet for him to hear, but the sudden pain in your chest made it impossible for you to speak louder. It was your fault, this heartache. And if you pushed it harder, you would break. Hence, with your fist pressed against your chest, you were desperate to make Chan stop. ‘Don’t talk to me as if… as if I - hic - was throwing a tantrum for nothing. Our connection, it… it squeezes my heart whenever he…’ Every word that fell from your dry lips was forced through your teeth with the last ounces of energy your body contained. A part of you didn’t want them to know, but they needed to understand that you loved Soonyoung. You loved him too much. ‘I’m so tired.’

Panting heavily, you fell forwards, but Minghao caught you before you could have fallen off the couch. His arms pushed you backwards gently until your back met the backrest and your cheek found comfort on the pillow Chan had thrown at you.

‘Hey…’ he started in a small voice, tentative with both his words and actions. ‘What did you mean by squeezing your heart? Doesn’t your… you know, mark heal you? Hyung always tells us how your voice warms his soul, how it brushes away the muscle pain and allows him to push himself harder,’ Minghao asked, coaxing more tears out of you with his gentle tone. You wanted nothing more but to believe him. You wanted Soonyoung to talk about you to his closest friends because you couldn’t do the same. But then his absence would have made no sense hence the voices in your head refused to accept the boy’s words as truth.

‘Yeah, that, too,’ you agreed quietly. ‘But recently, it’s only pain for me, Minghao.’

You fell asleep between quiet sobs and soothing it-will-be-alrights, clinging onto the pillow under your head as if your life had depended on it. Shocked by the unexpected revelation, the boys didn’t dare to move you and risk to upset you again, so they decided to make sure that, at least, you were warm and comfortable under those blankets Junhui brought out from your bedroom before cleaning up the mess in the living room.

Even after they got back to the dorm, they couldn’t stop wondering whether Soonyoung knew about this other attribute of your connection or not. None of the boys wanted to believe that their friend would act so nonchalant if he was aware that you were hurting. 

In the morning, your brain was pulsing inside of your skull to an extent that it made you want to throw up, but it also kept you distracted. Looking for a painkiller and then preparing lunch, you didn’t question your decision to sleep on the couch nor did you wonder why the guys had left without leaving a post-it on your coffee table like they usually did when you blacked out on them while drinking. You decided that you were too hungover to worry about every single tiny irregularity in your morning that could push you on edge on any other day and opted for taking a self-care day with unnecessarily elaborate skin-care routines, sappy movies and lots and lots of fruits.

Even though you dozed off a couple of times while binge watching a recently finished series on your list, when the clock hit eight, you were ready to call it a day and go to bed. You took a quick shower, brushed your teeth and changed into a comfy, oversized tee and shorts that had become your favourite set of PJ the night Soonyoung had slept over at yours for the first time. The memory left you bittersweet, mostly because the last time he had been over was more than a month ago, but you quickly shook your head and walked inside your bedroom.

Your mind was lingering at the border of consciousness and unconsciousness when someone knocked on your front door. It started out short and weak. For a second, you contemplated whether it was just in your imagination and you shouldn’t have risked getting out from under the comfortable blankets. But then you heard it again and it got rushed, impatient as if the person in the corridor was in desperate need of the warmth of your home. You gulped, took a few shallow breathers and walked up to the door.

On the other side, there stood a version of your soulmate you had never seen before. And one look at his disheveled state was enough for you to tear the door open and pull him into your embrace. You didn’t care that anyone who passed by your flat at this hour could have caught you red-handed. You just wanted him to smile again.

‘Shh. It’s okay. Whatever happened, it’s okay,’ you whispered into his ear, pulling his head flat against the crook of your neck while praying that your voice would be able to soothe the ache in his heart. Though, if something truly terrible had happened, maybe you weren’t the right person he seeked help from. You barely managed to keep your own life together when shit hit the fan, after all.

‘I’m so sorry. I’m so damn sorry,’ he mumbled into your skin, his hot tears soaking the hem of your tee. He was so desperate to keep you close that you had to use your strength to push him just a tad bit further. You had to see his eyes. You needed him to see yours.

‘What?’

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ Soonyoung asked in a broken voice, his pouty lips trembling from the immense effort he tried to put into biting back the questions that had been driving him nuts since Minghao had told him about your struggles after practice. That had been five hours ago. At first, he had been wandering in the city aimlessly to decipher his own messed up mind, but later he had ended up in your neighborhood without realizing as though his soul had known where to look for the answers. ‘Don’t you trust me? Am I really such a horrible boyfriend… God! Of course, I am. I didn’t, I… I should’ve… Please, don’t hate me,’ he begged, the sight too painful to look at.

You tilted your head backwards and looked at the ceiling, blinking rapidly. It was unfair, how affected you were by his mere presence on your doorstep.

‘I don’t hate you Soonyoung,’ you said, quietly albeit firmly. You hated the numbing pain in your chest when the boy took an unsure step backwards and found support against the door frame instead of your body.

‘But you should. I hurt you so bad,’ Soonyoung objected and you wanted to laugh although it wasn’t funny. Hadn’t it been him who had just begged you not to hate him? Had he expected a different answer?

‘I love you, Soonyoung,’ you claimed with more confidence. You looked deep in his red eyes and didn’t back down. It was the truth. You two might not have spent that much time together since you had found each other, but you loved him. He might have scarred your soul way too many times already with his nonchalance, but you loved him. You might have been insecure and unsure whether you had been the perfect match for him, but you loved him.

Soonyoung’s breath hitched and he couldn’t tear his teary gaze from your face. It was as if he had seen you for the first time. You looked beautiful in your wrinkled PJ, bareface and tired. You were the most beautiful person he has ever laid his eyes on. And you were his soulmate.

Realizing that he wouldn’t move an inch without a light push, you took the boy’s wrist and pulled him inside your flat. You locked your door and didn’t let go of Soonyoung’s hand until he was seated on the edge of your bed where you pulled him into another, comforting hug.

You stayed in this silent bubble for God knew how long before you bursted it with a simple yet sincere apology. You apologized for keeping the pain to yourself and he apologized for not realizing how miserable his distant behaviour had made you feel sooner. He apologized for not being attentive enough and you apologized for not reaching out to him frequently, either. Lying down in your bed to find a more comfortable position, you two filled the night with more apologies and tears before you both blacked out from exhaustion in each other’s arms. Neither of you had ever held into anyone so desperately.

Sipping on your morning coffee, you could see it in your soulmate’s eyes that he was still sad about how far things had gone between the two of you without him noticing the signs, but a reassuring smile from you seemed to be enough to lighten his gloomy mood. Or maybe, it was the pancake’s doing that you had made for him when you had woken up at the crack of dawn and hadn’t known what to do with yourself in his arms without getting fidgety and stirring him awake. Anyhow, you were grateful for the sight of his smile.

‘I’ve never told you this, but I’ve never been in a relationship before,’ he said and as timid as he sounded at the beginning, as chatty and unfiltered he became while he told you about his lack of experience with girls and keeping in touch with his non-idol friends in general.

Since he had already known about your relationship with Jinhyuk, about your unhealthy tendency to shut him and everyone else out when you were feeling anxious and about your friendship with Deokmi and a few others you considered as more than mere acquaintances, you encouraged him to tell you more; everything he was willing to share.

Although your time was limited since he had practice in the afternoon, you spent the day in the kitchen and on the couch, talking about everything and anything. Soonyoung made sure to reassure you at least once in every half an hour that you were important to him, too, not just his career as a dancer and a member of Seventeen. He had simply never expected to find you so soon and he swore up and down that he had always been bad at balancing more than two things on his plate at once (except for dancing and singing at the same time, obviously).

When it was time for saying goodbye, he hugged you and pressed a kiss on your temple as a promise and a reminder. And suddenly, you knew that you had no reason to feel anxious about parting with him anymore. Because despite his power to break you into pieces, Soonyoung had the ability to mend your deepest wounds and ugliest scars, too. And while you were both bound to fail from time to time, you were also willing to learn how to fight for a healthy relationship and when not to fight over things you had no control over. 

From that day on, he listened to you when you asked him to take a short break. You hugged him when he was sulky. He made an effort to grab something to eat with you at least twice a week and you also let him in when your urge to shut the world out was at its highest. Because this was what it meant to love and be loved: effort, hard work, a caring heart. It wasn’t just a mark gifted to you by the universe.

the end.

[rayofsunas]

chasm | albedo

A/n: hi everyone! I hope you’re all doing well and staying safe <33 as you can see, I’m back on my albedo bs, so I decided to write this out finally 🥺🥺 and omg let me just say, I love this so much! . thank you to my very special anon “🌱” you know who you are, for requesting this! ❤️ I’ve decided the reader is female, but if anyone would like a male or gender neutral version, let me know! I also kinda did my own take on this since it’s not explained what Albedo’s “darker side” is. enjoy everyone!! ❤️

Summary: albedo has been gone for an awfully long time, somewhere in Dragonspine. you’re worried about him, naturally, so you go look for him. he’s refusing help for some odd reason, and you find that he’s having trouble. you let him know you’d never even think of leaving his side, no matter what.

Parings: Albedo/Fem! Reader

Warnings: angst, fluff

Word count: 2.2k

The ashy blonde hadn’t been down from Dragonspine in weeks, nearly a full four months. And you couldn’t lie, you were growing worried. 

It wasn’t unusual, pretty typical behavior for the genius alchemist actually. But, by now he would’ve sent a letter of some sort, clueing somebody in on his whereabouts, if he needed more supplies, etc. He hadn’t done that yet. And you were afraid he probably wouldn’t. 

Sucrose was the last to speak to him, which happened to be two months ago when he sent her down the mountains, back to Mondstadt. She had told you that he was fine when she left, busy dissecting some strange specimen he’d found. Typical Albedo entranced and focused on everything the mysteries the world had to offer. 

You didn’t mean nor want to rain on his parade, but you would have to make the journey to Dragonspine and check on him. You couldn’t just sit here, as his friend and lover. 

It was a surprise after the third month that Jean hadn’t sent a team to check on him, but then it all made sense when she explained her reasoning. The only thing stopping her from sending a team up to check on him was the fact that all of the able soldiers were either injured or off on missions; Kaeya was off on some personal business away from Mondstadt, Varka and his team were still on their long strenuous mission, the Honorary Knight was still in Liyue, and Hertha wasn’t authorized to travel outside of Mondstadt.

It was a relief you were the captain of the exploration team, tasked with exploring Teyvat, bringing back information for maps to be drawn, possible paths to be made, and finding new lands. You, on the other hand, were authorized. It was just a matter of getting permission from the Acting Grand Master. 

“Jean, may I please have the authorization to take a small team with me to Dragonspine?” You asked the blonde who seemed to be busy filling out paperwork. Most likely configuring new formations and teams, since the majority of the soldiers were unable to travel right now. 

“All able soldiers are unavailable,” She reminded you, eye’s briefly lifting from the wordy documents, before glancing back down to write something. “If you wait a few days, I can send a team up with you to find Albedo.”

A few days. You had a feeling she would tell you that. That wouldn’t work...

You rocked back and forth on your heels, “Excuse my impatience, but I’d prefer to leave now.”

She stared at you, eyes empty for a while, thinking, though a brief smile shaped her lips. “Do you believe you can make the trip by yourself?” 

Sure, the cold was something you weren’t accustomed to, but you’d do anything for Albedo. Even travel aimlessly through a snowstorm. You nodded eagerly. 

“If you’re not back within three days' time, I will send a few soldiers after you.” She explained. 

“Thank you.” She bowed her head. 

“Good luck, Knight.”

- 

Thankfully, you remembered the general location of Albedo’s hideout in Dragonspine. You could thank your excellent memory - having trained your brain for years mesmerizing back roads and maps - visiting more than once also made it much easier as well.

You reached Dragonspine within a few hours and made the trek up to Albedo’s hideout in less than two hours. The sky was greying the higher you got and the snow only seemed to fall quicker and land on your exposed cheeks like sharp pellets. A snowstorm was approaching, you noted, you better hurry.

Venturing deeper into the medium-sized jut out in the mountain, you could see a single small flame, lighting up the back end, but other than that, the cave was encompassed in darkness. 

“Albedo?” You called out to your lover, noticing an onslaught of shrewd books, some open, some with pages ripped and torn, only a few had the luck of not being tarnished. “Are you here?” You asked again, the only response was the echo the cave shot back. 

Though, in a heap on the floor by the fire, you found exactly what you were looking for. As you approached, the flames became more visible and now you could see more of Albedo. He was oddly on his side, leaning against the back of the rocky cave wall, legs loosely curled into his chest. More of those books he adored so much were shrewd around him, along with his own notebooks, filled with scribbled words.

“Albedo!” He didn’t appear to be moving, only when you practically flung yourself at him was when you saw shallow breaths, chest moving faintly. Furthering your inspection, you gripped his arms and leaned down to his chest, putting your ear right to where his heart is.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

You sighed, forehead lowering onto his chest out of relief. He was alive, thank goodness. 

You still couldn’t see his face though. Ashy blonde hair shielding it, soft bangs hiding his eyes. The only thing your eyes saw was the shape of his lips and the bridge of his nose.

“What’re you doing here like this?” You asked, hoping he would just look at you. His uncharacteristically odd positioning and the fact that he hadn’t even uttered a word yet were enough to leave you concerned.

Maybe his time in the icy mountains, in solitude, was not beneficial to him like originally thought...

“Can you speak?” You asked, confused as to what was going on. Maybe he was too cold to speak. You noted from gripping his arms earlier, that they were ice cold, goosebumps on usually unmarred, soft skin. The small fire was doing nothing to keep him warm and you weren’t sure if he had any warming bottles or Goulash left... Presumably not, hence the reason he was as cold as ice. The real question was, why was he still here, suffering like this, in the cold? Despite popular belief, he knew when to leave dangerous environments when they were a threat to him; all knowledge, research, and experiments aside. No, this was something different... Something was terribly wrong. 

“I have a few warming bottles,” You explained, reaching into your cloak pocket, slender fingers enclosing around the small bottom, taking it out of your pocket. “I know these things aren’t entirely useful, but it'll help warm you up for a little while.”

“No, don’t waste them on me, please,” He whispered. Hissing in pain, reaching for his head. “You need them to get back down the mountain.” The alchemist said lastly. 

“Waste them?” You whispered to yourself, ignoring your questions when you heard him hiss. “You’re in pain,” You stated, eyes narrowing to search for any sign of blood or wound. None from what you could see. “I’m not going down the mountain without you.”

Were his wounds internal? His head seemed to be hurting. You weren't a doctor, but maybe it was from the cold, that was plausible. A headache of sorts, a symptom of hypothermia, though you hoped that weren’t the case... 

He needed to be warmer, as soon as possible. “Would you like my cloak? Here.” You were already shrugging your cloak off and draping it over his shoulders before you even got a reply. 

“Please,” He started, sluggishly easing the article of clothing off of him. “Put that back on, you’ll freeze to death, love.” 

Archons, why did he have to be selfless? He was already in a much, much, worse state than you, and he was still worried about your wellbeing. You frowned, eyebrows knitting together. “You’re already beating me to it and I won’t allow that.” You said, refusing the cloak. More heat, you needed more heat.

You gripped his shoulders, letting him know you were still here. “I’m going to start some more fires, stay put, okay?” With that, you stood and took out some matches. A few small piles of dead leaves and twigs were already around the cave, they’d long ago burnout, but you would take it. You were thankful you didn’t have to leave the cave, leave Albedo. 

As you lit each of the dead piles of nature, Albedo muttered, “You need to leave me here,” He then paused, you heard shifting and rustling. With a quick worried glance back, you saw him trying to stand, your cloak falling to the ground. “Get the-” Another pause. It seemed another headache washed over him. “Honorary Knight...” Forgetting the last pile, you rushed towards him, grabbing his lower arms gently, hoping to steady him. 

“Lumine,” You said, “She’s in Liyue, I’m afraid she’ll be there for a while.” You usually would’ve sent a sassy retort back his way, playfully of course. But the seriousness of this situation stopped you. Good choice, Y/n.

He repeated, “Leave me here.” Your head shook. You weren’t leaving without him, you just wouldn’t. You had this awful gut feeling that if you left, he wouldn’t be here when you returned. 

“No, I’m here to bring you home.” You explained. 

His eyes still weren’t visible. “Home? No, not to Mondstadt. You can’t take me there.” 

“I wouldn’t take you anywhere else, other than there,” This wasn’t making sense... Why won’t he look at you? What is he hiding? Does he have an injury on his face? Taking him in your arms, you allowed yourself to hug him, hoping he’d open up and share his concerns. “Please, Albedo, let me see your face.”

His head shook profusely, trying to push you away, though failing. “I’m terribly afraid I can’t show you. It’s already happening- In less than an hour, you’re going to be in danger... You’re already in danger now.”

“Please don’t make me ask you to leave again.” His voice sounded weak, distraught, saddened. 

“You don’t have to, just tell me what I can do.”

A long pause. He was fighting with himself, it was obvious to you now. He sounded as if he was begging you to stay, his words were saying otherwise. But why?

“Leave...” He pleaded. 

“No,” You refused stubbornly. “I’ll do anything for you, leaving is not one of them.”

He hissed again, this time successfully managing to push you away, shuffling further back into the cave.

“You’re not making any sense, Albedo,” You said softly, following after him. “You’ve kept too many secrets. Not anymore, you can tell me.” Your lover fell to the ground again, this time landing on his back. You gasped, rushing over to him. 

As you stood over him, you could see his bangs were pushed off his sweaty forehead, his left arm splaying across his eyes; shielding them from you once again. But underneath it, you could see a faint glow. Red...

His teal, cerulean eyes were no longer present. Now a deep shade of red, alike to that of scarlet quartz, took over. Was this the fault of an experiment gone wrong? Had he been poisoned? A curse even?

Crouching down beside the alchemist, you wondered. “What’s hurting you...” A slender and delicate hand reached out to remove his arm. He fought back with all his strength to keep you from removing his arm, but eventually, you managed to succeed.

Now with his hand at his side, you were left staring at what he’d tried so hard to conceal. You were shocked to be staring at what you were, though not entirely scared. Any ounce of fear was towards the fact that whatever this was, was visibly and prominently hurting him, evident by the odd ways he hissed in pain and coddled his head. You weren’t afraid he’d harm you as he assumed. He never resorted to violence and he wouldn’t at a time like this; you trusted him entirely.

Albedo stayed quiet for some time and if it weren’t for the deep, unsteady breaths, you would have assumed he’d passed out from the fall. It sounded like complete and utter pain and suffering, but he was alive.

It was obvious all of the pain was a result of the glowing coming from his now, mysterious pair of eyes, you realized that now.

“I can see the glow...” You said, he momentarily stopped breathing deeply. Ashamed, disgusted, afraid. “I’m not afraid, I’m more worried about your wellbeing.”

The blonde smiled weakly, eyes glistening with tears. Relief? Sadness? Anger? You weren’t sure, probably all three and much more than he could ever say. “Wrongfully, selfless in this moment.”

“I could say the same about you, love.” You chuckled, remembering minutes ago how badly he’d been trying to save and protect you. 

Albedo weakly sat up, carefully scooting to lean his back against the stone wall, staring up at the cavern's ceiling. You followed him, reaching over to grab his hand, head laying on his shoulder. You could feel his hand trembling. Whether it be from fear, the cold, or the fact that something was overcoming him, you weren’t sure...

“I’m going to stay here with you, through whatever this is,” You admitted. “You’re not going through this without me.”

He nodded, eyes lulling shut. 

Stay awake for me please, I know it hurts but please.

“I love you.” He whispered, head falling on yours, breaths finally shallowing to a comfortable pace. He was steadying, at least for now.

“I love you, too.”

Of course, you meant what you said. You’d always mean it and you would never retract that statement. But, if you managed to survive this and not die from hypothermia, Albedo’s screams of pain and pleads for you to end him, would haunt you for the rest of your existence.

2.22.21, rayofsunas

[seattlesea]

The Wasted Potential of Piper McLean’s Backstory

I think it’s safe to say that Piper’s backstory was easily the weakest, most boring, and worst-written one of all the characters in Heroes of Olympus, but it didn’t have to be. Riordan wasted a lot of potential for her backstory that could’ve added much more to her character just for ‘My dad doesn’t pay attention to me!!11!!!11!’ and then showing multiple flashbacks of Piper and Tristan spending quality father-daughter time alone together and completely invalidating all of Piper’s annoying complaining. Not only that, but Piper’s backstory is just a boring copy of Rachel’s. 

So, this is what Riordan did with Piper’s backstory:

1. ‘Neglectful’ dad. Piper spends 50% of The Lost Hero complaining about how little time her dad spends with her (and 49% thinking about Jason) instead of focusing on actually helping him. And while neglectful parenting can be very dangerous to a child’s happiness and social skills, Piper clearly wasn’t neglected or ‘ignored’. How do I know? Well for one, there are multiple flashbacks in The Mark of Athena of Piper and her dad hanging out- surfing, researching Greek mythology stories, watching Tristan’s movies and laughing over them, Tristan telling Piper Cherokee stories, etc.- and two, Piper isn’t unhappy nor unsocial and doesn’t show any symptoms of child neglect besides being clingy and possessive (but remember that the McLeans weren’t always rich, and were actually quite poor before, so Piper didn’t learn that behavior from her father). Besides, for someone who is claimed to be ‘smarter than all her other siblings’, Piper clearly doesn’t know that it’s her father’s agent that controls his schedule, not Tristan.

2. Rich and pretty= bad. In a lot of different circumstances, being rich and pretty has its cons, but Piper’s complaints about it are completely offbeat. Why? Cause we don’t know why she’s complaining about it. She complains about being rich, but why? She complains about being ‘too pretty’ (as if that’s something people legitimately complain about), but why? There’s no backstory or reasoning given to this. If there was, Piper’s constant complaining might have been valid, but Riordan just threw it into her story to give the readers a reason to take pity on and feel sympathy for her, and because he didn’t give Piper an actual reason for her complaining, it made it unbearable. If he had written it in smaller doses (much smaller) and wrote it realistically, it could’ve been really awesome. Because if you’re going to complain about something, make sure you’re complaining for a reason. Why does Piper hate being rich? Why does Piper hate having a bunch of awesome things most people would kill for? Why does Piper hate being attractive? And how Riordan tried to validate her complaining with ‘She wants to be normal’- NO ONE WANTS TO BE NORMAL. What teenager wouldn’t want a private airplane and giant mansion after living in a shitty wood house most of their life? Cause yes, Riordan, write your character complaining about her private chef making her a gold-wrapped sandwich while most of the other characters were worrying about where their next meal was going to come from and have her complain about having things while most people didn’t have 5% of what she had. That’ll totally make her a likable character. There’s a difference between being modest and being ungrateful.

3. Bullies. Being bullied sucks, and Piper has every right to complain about it. But...she didn’t. She didn’t complain at all. She didn’t even care about it. So she’s perfectly fine with being bullied and pushed around for her ethnicity, but her dad working a little overtime is the end of the world? How??? Besides that, Riordan didn’t write in bullies to shine a light on racism towards First Nations people, but for one reason only- to degrade femininity. Piper is described as a ‘tomboy’ (even though she doesn’t actually dress tomboyish, but that’s for another mini-rant) and the only bullies towards her we have been introduced to are girly-girls- Isabel and her group of friends who wore ‘matching pink tops and enough makeup for a Halloween party’, Drew Tanaka, Khione, etc. That’s not progressive, it’s sexist. ‘Femininity’ and ‘weakness’ are not synonymous, and nor are ‘masculinity’ and ‘strength’. Also, how did Isabel and her friends not know who Piper’s dad was? I’m pretty sure Tristan didn’t hide her from the entire world (though that would’ve been a way cooler backstory). 

4. Stealing. Anyone else out there who also knows that Piper isn’t actually a rebellious trouble-maker? Cause she isn’t. She got kicked out of four schools for being accused of stealing, but she never actually canonically broke any rules. As for the stealing part of her backstory, it was really, really lame. It was just a bad, invalid excuse to make Piper look like the badass and cool trouble-maker when in reality, all she did was politely ask for things. Not exactly ‘badass and rebellious’, and it was completely unnecessary. Piper wanted attention from her dad, but she got it multiple times and could’ve gotten it in many other different ways that didn’t enforce the racist ‘kleptomaniac First Nation’ stereotype. 

And this is what he should’ve done with her backstory:

1. Rich and pretty= distrust. Piper was reluctant to tell Annabeth about her famous father in The Lost Hero, but for the wrong reason. She didn’t want Annabeth to know about her movie-star dad because she didn’t want the ‘attention’, but she should’ve not wanted Annabeth to know out of distrust. And by ‘distrust’, I mean ‘not knowing if they want to know you for you or for your money’. This is a common con for rich and famous people, and they often turn paranoid and distrusting because they can never be certain if someone wants to be their friend because they think that they’re a cool person or if they want to be their friend because they’re rich and famous. That would’ve been a perfect reason for Piper to be reluctant to make new friends (especially after announcing to her whole cabin that her father was Tristan McLean), but she didn’t care. She even said that she ‘hated using the famous dad card’ but never showed signs of being dubious of new people who knew who she was. As for being pretty, a lot of attractive people are also distrustful because they never know if someone wants to date them for their personality or for their looks (and in Jason’s case, it was definitely the latter. No one wants to kiss someone a few minutes after knowing them and never actually talking to them one-on-one and it be anything but sexual attraction). Piper should’ve been very reluctant to get into a relationship (especially after Jason embarrassed and sexualized her in front of the entire camp calling her a ‘knock-out’) and it would’ve added a valid reason for her to complain about her looks. Cause again- why does she hate being attractive? Cause she’s tired of being stereotyped? No, cause she stereotypes other people. Cause she doesn’t want to be attractive? No, cause she never said anything about that. There was no reason for it, so it was a huge waste of many chapters and made for a horrible character arc. 

2. Alone in a big house. Piper complained about her dad being ‘too busy’ despite him being a very loving, caring, and inclusive father, but why didn’t she even mention the other part of it- being alone? Sure she had personal chefs, assistants, etc. with her, but no one related to her and no one who wasn’t being paid to be around her. Being alone sucks, but being alone in a giant house with a bunch of games and other stuff you’d love to share with another person but can’t? Damn. Speaking of which, what about Piper’s past schools? Five schools and no confirmed friends? It’s not like Piper has a hard time making friends since she was able to become friends with Leo (and only after being at the Wilderness School for a few months versus full school years at the others). Riordan could’ve written a very interesting backstory that didn’t have to relate to monsters (like Leo’s) but focused on the wrong parts. 

3. Impossible (and toxic) beauty standards and pressure. While being unattractive (or thinking you’re unattractive, cause you’re not ugly, you’re just not your type) sucks, being attractive (and extremely attractive) has multiple cons. Not only is there- racism in the beauty industry, society’s toxic and even deadly standards of beauty, not being open to relationships out of fear of only being liked for your looks, fear of not being taken seriously and being stereotyped, being cat-called and even the fear of rape, being compared to others, etc., but there’s the constant pressure (especially from family members, friends, and peers) of showing off your looks even if you don’t want to or are not comfortable doing so. I have an ‘hour-glass’ shaped body, and at first I loved my body and was very confident about it, but after the constant urging from my family members to wear tight (almost revealing) clothes to show off my body starting at only twelve years old despite me not being comfortable wearing those types of clothes, I hated my body and wore exclusively baggy and layered clothes for nearly 3+ years. This would’ve been perfect for Piper’s backstory, especially since her mother literally sexualized her by putting her in an ‘embarrassingly low v-neck dress’ in front of tons of campers. She wore basic, simple clothes, but she only wore them to avoid being labelled a ‘girly-girl’. It’s not even canon if she actually likes those clothes or are actually comfortable wearing them or not, she only wore them to avoid being something else she didn’t like. It could’ve led to an awesome character arc- going from insecure about your looks because people keep pressuring you into showing them off to only wearing and doing what you like. Piper tried to hide her looks, but for what reason? To avoid being stereotyped as ‘girly’? Yes, Piper, because girly-girls are the only type of girls that are pretty. Obviously.  

4. Charity. Rachel rocked this one. If Piper wanted to be kind and modest, why didn’t she give any of the things she had to people who actually needed it? Instead of moping about how rich you are, give the things you don’t want to those who need it. It’s a lot more effective and moral than spending all your days complaining and sulking, and it’s much more likely to gain readers’ favor than constant whining. 

5. Stereotypes. Riordan tried so hard to avoid the ‘snobby rich girl’ stereotype, but in my opinion- he should’ve utilized it. Piper went from ‘I don’t care about what I have’...to the exact same thing. She didn’t grow at all regarding her fortune and riches. Even in The Trials of Apollo, she lost everything and didn’t even care. Who wouldn’t care if they lost everything they had? Piper could’ve been grateful that she still had her dad and humanity while still being upset she lost everything. Back on topic- Piper could’ve gone from spoiled, obnoxious, and money-obsessed to ‘It doesn’t matter what I have or what I am but who I am’. She should’ve started off as the basic, stereotypical rich girl- a greedy, selfish, idealistic, spoiled, rude, dramatic, and overly ambitious primadonna diva who tried to buy her happiness and relationships but realized she couldn’t fill the hole in her heart with money and lipstick. Or how about the reckless homewrecker who broke hearts just for fun before realizing she actually wanted a real relationship, so started letting people in? Riordan avoiding the rich girl stereotype to make Piper more likable is what helped make her dislikable, because it ruined the chances of a good character arc. Besides, while not showing it on the surface, Riordan did actually sink into the rich girl stereotype by making Piper a selfish, ungrateful, and attention-seeking whiny brat, but she never grew from that or even realized she was doing it. 

6. Looks don’t matter. The fandom thinks that Piper is the one who stands for ‘looks don’t matter/it’s what’s on the inside that matters’, but she’s the opposite. She: -dismissed Percy and stereotyped him based off how he looked -hated her entire cabin and mother just because they were girly -hated and stereotyped Drew just cause she was wearing jewelry and makeup -constantly fussed over her looks and looked at herself more times in one chapter than all the other characters did combined -commented on Jason’s appearance multiple times, etc. So no, she isn’t the one who stands for that. The character who doesn’t think about their appearance at all is the one who stands for that, not the character who thinks about their looks 24/7. She should’ve been the character to stand for that, cause who better than the daughter of beauty and a famous, attractive movie-star? She should’ve been the one to scream to the mortal world that ‘Hey, I’m attractive but I’m not my attractiveness’. 

7. Racism. If Riordan wanted to expand on Piper’s character, why not write about the number one thing she should’ve been struggling with before being introduced to the mythological world- racism? She’s Cherokee, and there are multiple things against First Nations people nowadays like horrible living in reservations, living in the land she knows was stolen from her people and watching her father pay taxes to the very people who stole it, etc. Bullies suck, but bullies are common. The struggles of First Nations people is not, and it should’ve been added to Piper’s backstory not only to make her more realistic and better-written, but to shine a light on the racism and oppression against First Nation tribes. 

8. Monster attacks. So Piper is the daughter of a rich and famous movie star, most likely used multiple different pieces of technology, was out in the open only a few hours away from Camp Jupiter, and was out in the mortal world her whole life, but didn’t experience any monster attacks whatsoever, even at fifteen years old? That’s extremely unrealistic and dumb. Monster attacks should’ve been used to make her backstory more interesting and realistic. 

9. ADHD and dyslexia. Was I the only one bothered that Piper didn’t show any signs of ADHD or dyslexia? Every demigod has them and Frank is the only one confirmed not to, but Piper had no trouble focusing, staying still, reading, concentrating, forgetfulness, short attention spans, etc. She was even able to read the directory at Medea’s Department Store, the writing on the wall at the Cyclops-infiltrated warehouse, Greek stories with her dad, etc. In canon, she doesn’t even have ADHD or dyslexia, but showing her struggling with it (especially as the daughter of a famous movie star who’s pressured into being perfect and poised at all times) would’ve added so much to her backstory and character.  

10. Abandonment issues. So Piper’s mother literally leaves her before she was even born...and she didn’t care? It’s understandable that she would accept her mother’s choice after finding out that her mother was a goddess who couldn’t stay with her, but what about before? She didn’t even comment on it. She showed signs of abandonment issues (insecurity over her relationships, the inability to trust her partner’s intentions, constant jealousy, difficulty with feeling actual intimacy, possessive and controlling behavior, clinginess, constant need for attention, etc.) but they were never expanded on or even called out. She was portrayed as the perfect one without any faults or need for help cause she was (in Riordan’s eyes) supposed to be the ‘strong one’ who didn’t need others to help or save her, but that just led to a dull character and flat arc. 

11. Standards of perfection. Piper is the daughter of a rich and famous movie star, is extremely attractive, etc., so writing her backstory as being constantly pressured, raised, and even demanded into always being poised, presentable, and perfect her whole life would’ve been way better than whatever the hell Riordan was doing. Piper should’ve rebelled against society, not her dad who didn’t even do anything wrong. Basically- What Piper did: My dad wants to bring me to a nice salon cause he loves and cares about me? NO! I’m going to cut my own hair even though cutting your hair in First Nations culture is literally taboo without even bothering to tell my dad that I don’t want to get a haircut to see if he’ll agree! What Piper should’ve done: Society wants me to always be perfect and presentable? NO! I’ll show them that I’ll be whatever I want to be without their input!

12. Rich and famous ≠ a perfect life. People are often mistaken that rich and famous people have the best, perfect life, but they don’t. With society’s impossible standards, controversy in the fame department, tons of hate for a bunch of different reasons, and more, Piper could’ve been the one to show that more money doesn’t equal more happiness, cause who in the world would constantly want flashing cameras in their faces, the inability to go out without being followed and/or harassed, fake friends, constant judging, the inability to have any privacy or being able to do anything normal people can, etc.? 

So, yeah. Piper’s backstory was just a steaming-hot mess, a pile of wasted potential, and flat-out bad writing. Riordan could’ve written an awesome character with a great character development, but it was trashed only because he couldn’t focus on the right aspects of her backstory. 

[be11atrixthestrange]

Step 5: Establishing a Relationship

From 12 Fail-Safe Ways To Charm Hermione Granger

Establishing a Relationship

Now that your relationship has begun, you must learn how to truly become a partner. Establishing and maintaining the relationship will require constant work, as both parties will change and evolve through life. However, committing to a growth mindset and learning how to compromise will make the relationship extremely rewarding.

_____________________________

There was a scratching at their bedroom door. Ron looked up from the fifth chapter, Establishing a Relationship, to see an orange paw gently prodding the door open. Crookshanks bounced across the room and hopped into the bed, assertively nudging Ron's hand away from the book.

Five years ago, Ron probably would have pushed the cat off of the bed. Heck, if Hermione was awake right now, he would have done the same. Instead, with a sideways glance beside him to make sure Hermione was soundly sleeping, he moved the book off of his lap so Crookshanks could curl up there instead.

The purring cat melted into Ron's hand as he scratched him behind his ears. "Hey, buddy," said Ron affectionately, as Crookshanks began kneading his shirt with his claws. He rubbed his face against Ron's hand, and Ron moved down the cat's spine, until he stuck his rump straight up in the hair. Cats are weird, he thought.

It had become their little routine. Every time Hermione fell asleep before him, Crookshanks would find his way to Ron to soak up every ounce of affection Ron would give. In the early days of their relationship, Crookshanks didn't want anything to do with him, hissing and swatting when Ron became the focus of Hermione's attention, his competition. When Ron was alone with the cat, or Hermione was asleep, limiting the cat's affection options, Crookshanks slowly warmed up, allowing Ron to pet him for a few minutes at a time. Over time, they had become best friends by night, but played each other's enemy by day. Ron hated to admit how much the creature had grown on him since third year.

Reluctantly becoming a cat dad wasn't the only indicator of their status as boyfriend and girlfriend. Eventually, introducing Hermione as his girlfriend stopped feeling awkward, and he no longer felt the need to casually mention her at work parties, simply so he could practice using the new term. He knew the shift had been made when Hermione received a wedding invitation addressed to both of them by name, rather than the former "Hermione Granger and Guest", and when his mom knit them matching Christmas jumpers one year.

There were simple things he had mastered by becoming involved with a Muggle-born witch. Learning to order food with the telephone, and to pay for it with the correct amount of muggle money was a larger project that he had anticipated- a project fit for a boyfriend-, and nowadays he insisted they order out at least twice a week, because using the phone was so much fun. Although he thought her obsession with true crime shows was mental, he learned how to record them on their television, and he now understood how to navigate the train system that connected their flat with the airport, so he could pick up Hermione's parents when they flew into London for holiday visits.

There were more complicated things too. When he became adept at using the internet and researched the symptoms of a panic attack, he learned that he was supposed to stay calm and promised himself he'd never raise his voice in fear if it ever happened again, and even though he knew it hurt her, she understood that he would never want to celebrate their anniversary because it fell on the same day that Fred died. He learned that they would occasionally screw up, and say the wrong thing, and that sometimes being Ron and Hermione meant that they wouldn't always feel like best friends. But most importantly, he learned that he couldn't push her away during difficult times, especially if he ever expected her to lean on him in return.

******

The morning after the battle, Ron and Hermione, along with Harry and the rest of the Weasleys went back to the Burrow. Even though there were more people than usual at home, the old house still felt unsettlingly empty. At first the only one who reacted to Ron and Hermione's new relationship was Crookshanks, who suddenly had to compete with another man for affection. Otherwise, they did their best not to draw attention to their new status, and Hermione seemed to fade into the background with Harry, while they tried to make themselves helpful guests so the family could grieve and make preparations for the funeral. So as thrilling as it could have been, becoming Ron and Hermione happened at a bad time to assure a smooth transition. Unfortunately, there was no chapter in 12 Fail Safe Ways To Charm Witches about navigating a new relationship while mourning your dead brother.

He didn't feel charming at Fred's funeral, when he sobbed into Hermione's arms, dripping tears and Merlin knows what else into her hair. He had hardly spoken to her or touched her in days. When they managed to find some solitude in his attic bedroom, and he tried to get lost in kissing her, he often became overwhelmed with guilt. He didn't feel charming when he pushed her away, turning his back to her so she didn't see him crying mid-snog, because all he could think about was how his brother would never get to kiss a girl again. He avoided her every time he felt like he was going to cry, because Hermione would try to make him feel better with a hug, and she deserved someone who didn't respond to her touch with anger, grief, and tears. He couldn't avoid her seeing him cry at Fred's funeral, so he sobbed violently against her as she stroked his back, and tried to ignore the small voice in the back of his head that told him he was asking too much from her.

After the ceremony he sat on the dock by the pond, because he couldn't bother to hear anyone's condolences again. She found him there, and nestled up against him, dangling her feet into the water, and didn't say anything. Then he cried again, because she didn't say anything, and that was exactly what he needed.

He never returned to the house that night. He stayed on the dock, Hermione brought him a plate of food, and they ate in silence. The sun set, and she reached into her bag, and pulled out the bottle of firewhiskey that she'd smuggled from the alcohol cabinet in the living room.

He raised his eyebrows when she unscrewed the cap, and took a long sip. She winced as it went down, then handed the bottle to Ron, who did the same. They passed it back and forth wordlessly, until it was dark, and the world was blurry, and his eyes were tapped out of tears. Then he finally talked. Without inhibitions, he told her how guilty he had felt being with her that whole week. He said he'd give anything to go back to the day before Fred died, even though it was before Voldemort was killed, and before they had even kissed. He told her he wasn't sure if he'd ever truly feel happy or complete again. She cried with him, and he was grateful he had someone who was willing to share in his burden. She cast a cushioning charm on the dock, and pulled blankets out of her bag, and they settled into a comfortable embrace before Ron drifted off to sleep, thinking that if he was doomed to a life of unhappiness, at least it would be with Hermione.

He woke the next morning to the blinding sun, a raging headache, and Hermione in his arms. She was awake, and she smiled gently at him when he turned to her.

"Morning," she said softly.

"Morning," he grumbled back. He attempted a smile but it probably looked more like a grimace.

"Do you feel ill?" she asked.

Ron nodded.

Hermione reached into her bag and pulled out a small vial. "This might help."

He uncorked the vial and dumped the pepper up potion into his mouth. It helped immediately. He looked back at Hermione who grinned again, before lovingly tucking his hair behind his ear, the same way he did to her.

"Why are you being so nice to me?" He couldn't help himself asking the question, as he'd been ignoring her, shutting her out for days.

She looked momentarily hurt. "Because I'm your girlfriend," she said, narrowing her eyes. "Aren't I?"

He felt stinging tears and he tugged her close. "Of course you are." She hugged him back, the tears spilled from his eyes, and they felt like Ron and Hermione again. He allowed himself both to cry with her and kiss her, because maybe he could grieve and love at the same time.

No one came looking for them that morning, and for that Ron was thankful. Something about the closure of the funeral, and echo of the word Hermione had used to describe herself, girlfriend, made today feel like the start of a new chapter.

"When are we going to Australia? To find your parents?" he asked her, to be met with a smile and an embrace that he returned with genuine enthusiasm.

******

They took a portkey to Melbourne less than a fortnight later. As a token of thanks for all they'd done to end the war, and his promise of a pardon for any illegal magic performed defensively, Kingsley had arranged for a team of Australian Aurors to help locate her parents. They had done so rather quickly, as there weren't too many recent British expats practicing dentistry in Victoria. Nearly as soon as they arrived, they were given a folder containing the address of their home and dental practice. After renting a hotel room near their St. Kilda residence, the only thing left to do was reverse the memory spell. Ron assumed it would happen the next day, but it didn't.

He was surprised, yet somewhat pleased, at her suggestion to explore the city first. They'd never traveled together for fun so he wasn't going to turn down an opportunity to eat kangaroo burgers by the beach or take a romantic stroll through the botanic gardens. It was actually quite nice to practice acting like a couple in a different country, where no one knew who they were, what they've done, or that they weren't together just a few weeks ago. He could hold her hand, put his arm around her shoulders, or pull her in for a kiss on the pier without worrying about a wolf-whistle from a brother, or worse, a talk about safety from his dad. They spent an entire week ignoring their agenda, and Ron started to wonder if she was avoiding the task ahead. He knew she was when she suggested they ride the wooden death trap that muggles called roller coasters at Luna Park.

"What if, instead of that," said Ron, gesturing toward the roller coaster with his rapidly melting ice cream cone, "We go find your parents."

Hermione continued to stare straight ahead from their place on the bench. She shook her head.

"What's going on, Hermione."

"What do you mean?" she asked unconvincingly.

"The museums, the restaurants, the dates," he attempted in a casual tone, as he took another slurp of his ice cream. "I'm having a great time, don't get me wrong. But you know we'll eventually have to see them."

He looked over at her, but she was still staring blankly ahead, He raised an eyebrow, waiting for her to react. To say something.

"We can't avoid it forever, you know."

After a few moments of tense silence, her breathing became shallower, her face deepened in color, and the ice cream cone fell from her hand and landed in a splat on the concrete between them.

"Hermione, are you ok?" asked Ron.

She shook her head as she lowered her face into her hands, as her breathing picked up it's pace. "No….," she exhaled, but couldn't get any more words out before she was overtaken by full bodied sobs.

"Hermione?" he said hurriedly. "What's wrong?"

He tried to reach an arm around her shoulders, but she shoved him away, the adrenaline providing much more force than necessary. She continued to sob and shudder, before placing her hands on her throat, remindnig Ron of a fish out of water.

"Hermione, you're worrying me. Please tell me what's going on."

Ron's words didn't seem to register with her. He looked around him to check if they had drawn the attention of anyone, but the deafening sounds of laughter, carnival music, and screams from the roller coaster muffled them from anyone who might have stepped in to help.

"C'mon Hermione, answer me," he said a little more forcefully, now feeling panicked. Logically he knew she would answer him if she could, and that thought made him want to hyperventilate too. "Just breath, Hermione! Please-"

Her sobs suddenly became raspier, and her body continued to heave as if trying unsuccessfully to pull in more air. Her face was turning redder every moment, and then without warning, she leaned forward and threw up on the concrete before them. Ron stared at her wide-eyed, as she gasped for air and returned back to her sobs, but this time they sounded deeper and more nourishing. He tentatively reached his hand to her again, and this time she didn't flinch when he pulled her closer, so her head rested on his shoulder, smearing tears, and sick, and Merlin knows what else onto his shirt, but he didn't care. He was just glad she seemed to be breathing.

They didn't talk about it. When she finally came around, she hurried off into the nearest public loo, and Ron waited there as his unfinished ice cream cone dripped down his hand. When she returned, there seemed to be a mutual understanding that it was time to return to their hotel. So they did.

When they arrived, Hermione, still looking embarrassed, immediately opted for a shower, and Ron thought it would be a good time to try ordering room service. After all, he was part of Hermione's life now, and if he couldn't protect her from whatever just happened at Luna Park, he should at least learn how to use a telephone.

******

A few days later, Hermione finally agreed to find her parents. Fittingly, it was raining on the day they knocked on her parent's front door. They gave each other a quick glance, and before the door opened, Hermione slipped her hand into his. He heard her take a deep breath before they saw the doorknob turn, and they were suddenly face to face with the greying features of Mr. Hugo Granger.

"Can I help you?"

They had planned this moment, but like many things in their recent experience, it didn't go as expected. They didn't plan for Hermione to freeze, caught up in the emotion of seeing her father for the first time since the war. Neither were prepared for the lack of recognition in his face.

"Hi Dad," said Hermione softly, as Ron grimaced at her giveaway.

"Excuse me?" said Hugo Granger in confusion. "Dad?" Before Hermione could backtrack, the tension was broken by a large golden retriever that came bounding up to Ron.

"Hey buddy!" said Ron, as he leaned down to scratch the dog's ears.

"Herman! No!" shoulder another voice. "Hugo grab him!" Jean Granger appeared behind her husband, reaching for the dog..

"Right," said Hugo, with a lingering look of confusion at Hermione before he turned his attention to the dog.

"Hermione, now," whispered Ron. She nodded, and while her parents were looking down, she withdrew her wand and aimed it right at them.

"I'm sorry, he's still a puppy and doesn't know how big-," Jean paused mid sentence, before slowly returning upright as Hermione's counter charm took effect.. "Hermione?"

"Mom," whispered Hermione.

The expression on Jean's face turned from affection, to confusion, to anger, before landing back on affection. She opened her arms, and Hermione collapsed into her embrace.

Ron looked at Hugo, who had also risen to his feet, but his eyes were focused on Ron, not on the two women embracing beside him. Ron was unsettled by the fact that he couldn't read his expression at all.

"Ron Weasley, if I remember correctly," he said curtly.

Ron nodded.

"I'm sure there's a very good explanation."

Even though it wasn't a question, Ron nodded again.

Hugo then broke their eye contact and turned toward his daughter, reaching his hand out to embrace her too.

Ron simply stood back with his hands in his pockets and observed the moment Hermione had been worrying about for the past few weeks. She was sobbing again, but this time it didn't concern Ron at all. He felt a cold, wet nose brush against his leg, and looked down to see Herman wagging his tail. For something to do with his hands, and because Herman was pretty cute, he crouched down to pet him.

"Also… Herman?" he heard Hermione ask once she had broken free of her parents' embrace. "Sounds a lot like Hermione."

"I guess our memories were just a little too strong. They pushed through," said Hugo stiffly.

"I'm so sorry," wavered Hermione. "Will you let me explain?"

"Of course, honey," said Jean, embracing her daughter again.

Ron, who was still busy petting Herman, suddenly felt Hugo Granger's eyes on him again. "The dog sure seems to like you."

Ron anxiously looked up, but was pleasantly surprised to see that Hugo was grinning at him. "Yeah, well," shrugged Ron. "I really like Herman."

Hugo chuckled. "How about a drink?"

"Oh, I'm fine," said Ron quickly, but a quick look from Hermione made him backtrack. "Er, actually, a drink sounds good."

Hugo was already pouring him one. "Well come on in. We've got a lot to catch up on."

An explanation was due soon, but the Grangers took that night to reconnect with their daughter. To Ron's pleasant surprise, he was welcomed into their home like he was family too.

He was even more surprised when he sat on the sofa, keeping a respectable distance from Hugo Granger's daughter, and she simply inched closer to him so that they were knee to knee. She smiled brightly at him, and gratefully patted his knee in a way that she never had when they were just friends, and he smiled back before taking a sip of the stiff drink that Hugo had poured for him.

It could have been that smile, or the fact that he was suddenly thinking of Hermione as Mr. Granger's daughter. Or it could have been Hugo's suspicious eyes and Jean's excited grin when he tentatively slipped his arm around her shoulders, but that day, he truly felt like Hermione's boyfriend, and he knew they would figure everything else out later.

[inklingowl]

O.o elaborate on the alpaca tags

So fair warning, the depressed alpaca story is not a happy one. TW animal illness and death.

Back when I was in college, my friend and I got summer jobs at a horse farm in the Catskill mountains. It was a small but lovely little farm expertly tended by the owner. In addition to the 20 or so horses there were two alpacas on the farm co-owned between the barn owner and her sister in law. The sister in law initially wanted them for their fiber, both selling it and using it herself. Since there was already a farm in the family, it was easy enough to obtain a stall and pasture space. Alpacas couldn’t be that much different then horses anyway, right? They’re both herd animals, they each have four legs, they eat hay, just treat them basically the same, easy peasy. Unfortunately, over the course of that summer everyone on the farm got a crash course in just how not true that assumption was.

As the days passed my friend and I started to be concerned that the local sheep/alpaca shearing guy still hadn’t made it out to free our fuzzy friends from their wool coats. Daytime temps weren’t too terrible yet but we were well into June at this point and it was only going to get hotter. Not wanting the poor things to get heat stroke we offered to shear them ourselves. After all, we’d body clipped horses before and already owned large animal grade electric clippers. It’s the same basic concept, what could go wrong? The alpacas were clearly unhappy about us invading their personal bubbles with noisy clippers but other than some concerned humming they just laid down and let us do whatever we wanted to them. We went slow and gave them frequent breaks- which is what you do with horses to minimize their stress. I now know that this is NOT what you’re supposed to do with alpacas. It’s more beneficial for them to make the process as quick as possible in order to limit the total amount of time they are stressed. After a few hours the job was done and we went to bed satisfied that we had helped make them more comfortable.

The next morning it was apparent that something was very wrong. The alpacas couldn’t stand, kept falling over out of their kush position, and kept bending their heads backwards to stare up at the ceiling. The large animal vet was immediately called out. After examining them, he explained that their symptoms matched a meningeal worm infestation. White tailed deer are the intended host for meningeal worms but they can also infect other ruminants such as alpacas. These worms can cause spinal and brain lesions that cause neurological affects similar to human polio. The vet believed that the stress of shearing the day before may have also stressed the parasites and sped up the neurological damage which is why it appeared seemingly overnight. One of the alpacas ended up being euthanized a few days later, as his neurologic issues were severe enough that he did not respond to treatment. The second alpaca responded better and was up and walking, rather wobbily but walking, after a day or two of medication.

My friend and I felt horrible and responsible for what happened so we became determined to nurse the remaining alpaca, Remy, back to health. We took him for walks around the farm multiple times a day to try to build back up his muscle strength and coordination. Shearing him had also reviled a rash on his belly, similar to a diaper rash, from the excess fleece holding urine too close to his skin. To treat this we had to wash the affected area and apply ointment daily. He hated this and objected with a combination of glares and deliberately laying down whenever we tried to wash/medicate his belly. We ended up having to devise a sling system of soft ropes under his abdomen which were then tied to the wall to keep him standing during this daily procedure. It was an utterly ridiculous set up but it worked, while simultaneously earning us yet more dirty looks from Remy. 

As much as he frequently got irritated with us he also seemed to get upset whenever we walked past his stall and didn’t take him out. It became increasingly apparent that he did not want to be left alone and would rather tag along with us whenever he could. We started spending a lot of time on alpaca husbandry web sites trying to figure out how to improve the quality of life for our sad little wobbily muppet friend. Turns out, alpacas are so bonded to their herd mates that you should never under any circumstances keep just one. They should always be kept in a group, minimum two, three or more is better. If kept alone they will often get so stressed they will die.

Naturally we took this information to the barn owner and told her it was in Remy’s best interest to either rehome him to a farm with other alpacas or to buy him a friend. At this point the barn owner was feeling pretty out of her depth with caring for this poor little train wreck of a creature and she was willing to find him a new home. Remy’s co-owner however wanted to keep him. They’d already invested a lot of money between the initial purchase price of two animals and all the repeat vet visits. Not to mention they already lost one of them, she didn’t want to go through all that just to lose custody of the second alpaca as well. The one thing they both did agree on was that they couldn’t afford to spend a couple thousand dollars to buy a replacement to be Remy’s companion.

As the summer progressed we started to feel hope, Remy did in fact improve. His rash cleared up, and he got strong enough that he was able to be turned out in a pasture with two of the oldest and most gentle horses on the property- whom he pointedly ignored. He’d come tottering up to the fence whenever we walked by though. We were still his surrogate herd. Unfortunately as we feared, his improved health did not last.

My friend and I went out of town one weekend and when we returned we were told that Remy had bloated when we were gone and the vet had been called out yet again. Bloat is a type of gas colic and it can be fatal. The vet recommended a mixture of dish soap and baking soda be syringe fed into him to help counteract the bloat. I still am unsure exactly what this does digestive chemistry wise, but I’m told it’s an old treatment for gas colic in ruminants. All I know is Remy hated it. It was the only time I ever saw him spit at people. He recovered but bloated yet again just a few weeks later, once again when my friend and I were out of town for the weekend. By this point the barn owner was noticing a pattern. In addition to him bloating whenever his preferred humans missed a day of visiting him, when he was found bloating he was always laying upside down on a slope in the pasture- head pointing downhill and feet pointing uphill. It was unclear if he was laying in that position due to discomfort and pain or if laying in that position is what was triggering his bloat episodes. Either way, he would make no effort to right himself. It was like he would just give up on life and lay down to die.

I know that it seems like I'm just anthropomorphizing by implying that he might have been intentionally trying to end his own life but it really seemed like that's what was happening. Remy was a very sensitive and dramatic individual, which as far as I can tell is a pretty standard personality for alpacas. Combine that with what we read about them frequently dying of stress when kept alone and you can see how we could come to that conclusion.

My friend and I started to get very concerned as the summer came to a close and we packed up to move back to college 3 hours away. We'd gotten very attached to our depressed alpaca charge, and felt responsible for his wellbeing. Unfortunately he wasn't ours and thus we couldn't just take him with us. We once again pleaded the case of either getting him a friend or rehoming him and hoped at the very least he'd bond with another human or horse in our absence. Alas, within a month of us leaving, he bloated yet again and didn't pull through that time.

So yeah, not a happy story. The moral of it is to do lots of research before getting an animal, routinely deworm your livestock, and accept that sometimes it's in the best interest of the animal to find a new home. It doesn't matter if you would lose a financial or emotional investment, part of being a responsible pet owner is acknowledging when you can't give them what they need and finding someone else who can.

[hero-philia]

Hey I am a little scared to ask this but can I request a headcanon for Shinsou where the reader is Porphyrophobic, which means having a huge fear of the color purple. Maybe add some angst but happy ending because this boy deserves it. Love your writing!!

First of all, thank you so much for trusting me with this request!! I’ve done a bit of research to understand what porphyrophobia is about and what the symptoms are. Please tell me, if I’ve portrayed something in a wrong way because I’ll make sure to chance it >.< 

Remember guys: This is a safe place for everyone! So don't be scared to send me requests of all kind :)

I DID NOT PROOF-READ THIS, AAAAAAH! 

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The Fear of Being Misunderstood | Shinsou x fem!Reader

-> Reader suffering from porphyrophobia, the fear of the color purple

1386 words

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With a groan Shinsou opened his heavy eyes only to be faced with darkness. Starring at the ceiling he recapped how often he had turned around to find a comfy position already and how many times he had nearly drifted off to dreamland before reality had pulled him back. Another sign of displeasure escaped his mouth when he found himself thinking about the same thing all over again. 

„God“, he sighed as he finally decided to sit up. 

His hands buried in his wild hair, he got a grim reminder for what was keeping him awake tonight. 

„Oh, Shinsou! I didn’t expect to meet you here“, Kendou said in her usually cheerful tone. „I was out shopping with a friend. Speaking of friend, this is (Y/N). (Y/N), this is my classmate Shinsou!“

But the girl that had been introduced to him as (Y/N) had just looked at him with wide eyes like she was facing a lion. The longer she had done so, the more irregular her breath had gotten until the girl had finally dropped her shopping bag to run off into the crowd. 

No matter how much he tried to recap the events, he couldn’t find a decent explanation for her behaviour. Since Kendou had left to chase after her with her dropped errands, the boy had found himself all alone yet again. Meanwhile with his feet on the ground, Shinsou buried his face in his hands. 

The way the poor girl had starred at him, pure fear in her eyes. Her body stiff with tension in every single muscle. He had no idea why, but (Y/N) really hated him. Or worse, feared him more than anything else on this planet. 

Maybe someone else had told her rumours about his past, like the bullies in elementary school and middle school had decided to do. Who knew what horrendous stories she had heard about the first year with the brainwashing quirk. Most likely she had suffered from the same state as all the others - Imagining the nightmares of what Shinsou had done with his ability before. Torture, manipulation, ruling like a demon king.

„I’m really sorry, (Y/N)“, Shinsou whispered into the dark.

Just the stars and the moon managed to bring a little bit of light into the room. If only he had been fast enough to explain himself to her. But now this chance was long gone and the simple ‚what if‘ kept him from sleeping. 

~

The next morning, a more than welcomed Sunday without classes, Shinsou basically hypnotised his cereals while fighting the urge to drop his head into the milk in order to give in to his tiredness. Normally he hated the intensity of several of his classmates, such a Tetsutetsu or Monoma this early in the morning - Before lunch to be specific. 

Reconsidering the circumstances that the image of the girl from yesterday was still ghosting around in his mind, he would love to have someone by his side to at least be annoyed from. May that be a non-stop enthusiastic Tetsutetsu or a non-stop bragging an 1-A hating Monoma. 

Back in his room he shut the door behind him before sitting down at the desk with his neatly organised study materials on it. 

In between the halfway finished homework for hero history and the stack of school book in alphabetical order his phone was charging. What finally caught his eye was the blue light, which blinked every few seconds, in the upper left corner of the display. Someone must have texted him, probably a new meme in the group chat of 1-B or Aizawa to reschedule tomorrow’s morning practice for the sake of the both of them.

He proceeded to wipe his face with his hand before he unlocked his phone. That was when his heart jumped to his throat. 

Two new messages from Kendou, a voice message and a text, the latter including the name (Y/N). 

Faster than his worries could take over his brain, he opened the chat room. Thanks to his eyes rushing way too much, he had to read the text three times until he understood what it was saying: Basically that you had wanted to send him a message, but hadn’t been brave enough because of his profile picture.

„Well, you know, it’s a selfie and therefore … purple“, Kendou had texted him. 

What on earth? This didn’t even make sense at all. So he clicked on the voice message, expecting to hear the familiar voice of his classmate while she would explain the situation and give more details. 

Hello Shinsou, this is (Y/N). The girl you’ve met yesterday in the company of Itsuka. 

Luckily the phone was laying safely on the desk as Shinsou’s head snapped into the direct of it. Chances were high that he would have dropped the device, if he had it in his heads now. Your voice echoed through his room as the voice message went on.

My behaviour was really rude when we ran into you. Itsuka has told me a bit about you and I think that you are a nice person, Shinsou. So I hope that you don’t hate me because of what happened. Though I will totally understand, if you do.

His jaw metaphorically dropped at your words. When he had obviously been the reason for your way of acting, he couldn’t be mad at you. How? There were plenty of options to choose from in order to find an explanation to be scared of him. Starting with his grumpy face, ending with his reputation.

You don’t have to listen to it, but I want to let you know what was going on. Seriously, I would have loved to talk to you. But … your hair and your eyes … N-Not that they are ugly or anything! They are totally not! Still … they are purple. I have a condition called porphyrophobia. This means that I’m afraid of the color purple.

For a second the boy didn’t know what to think of it. On the other hand you had absolutely no motivation to make up something like this and since you had already recorded this message for him, it had to be true. 

The way your voice had changed from being a tad bit excited and nervous at the same time to being filled with seriousness once you had begun to explain your burden, it got his attention like nothing else had recently.

When I faced you yesterday, the anxiety inside of me took over. I didn’t mean to treat you like this and I’m really sorry. Since we will most likely never meet again, please let me tell you one last thing. Though I haven’t seen it in action, your quirk sounds pretty amazing. You will definitely become a pro hero one day. I’m rooting for you! Good luck.

With this announcement the message ended. Your voice died, but it continued to replay in his head over and over again. Especially the last words had put him in a state of disbelieve.

You, a complete stranger, that had been so afraid of him, was having high hopes for his future. Even though you knew that he was attending class 1-B and therefore not the hero course yet, you believed in him with such optimism that it paralysed him for a moment. 

A few minutes later he replied to Kendou’s original text with more than his usual Thanks. 

Kendou herself tilted her head at the new message in the chat room as it differed a lot from what she had seen coming. But then she counted two and two together before answering her classmate: This is her number […] and no, there is absolutely no purple in your profile anymore.

Instead of Shinsou’s selfie a cat looked at her in his profile, which she identified as one of the strays from the park a few streets away. The formerly purple letters of his name were now changed to a casual black. Whatever he was intending to do, he had thought it through. Itsuka smiled as she sent her reply.

He didn’t exactly know why he was doing all of this. Nevertheless he was certain to find a way to thank you for being brave enough to send that voice message. 

You deserved it. 

-----

(A/N) - I’m seriously considering a part 2 of this! Shinsou needs more appreciation on my blog >.<

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Posted: April 7th 2020 | Requests: Open | Match-ups: Closed

[yourbeauties]

deleted scene from ch 16

This is a different version of the scene where Bill confronts the teacher about Holden’s Matchbox car. It’s far inferior to the scene I ended up posting, IMO, but if you are interested in my writing process, maybe you will find it interesting.

Some context:

- When the story was emerging and I knew that I wanted a toy of Holden’s to go missing and for Bill to investigate, I ended up going entirely the wrong route. I thought the principal would take it, because he was a collector of tchotchkes, and then I had to figure out what Holden’s toy would be based on that. So I spent a lot of time learning about Matchbox cars, only to throw most of it out!

- I wrote a very loose outline of the parent-teacher meeting with only the principal and not Mrs. Reid, that featured the things McNarland had collected in his office. He said he displayed them to show his students how to be patient, because the collectables gained value over time? Or something lol?

- I ended up deciding against this plan because a) collectables weren’t as big a field at this point in time, I think, and b) it wasn’t hitting the profiling theme as strongly as I thought it could. I wasn’t connecting how Bill could figure it out, or how he could “interview” the principal. Once I realized that the actual item didn’t matter, and it should just be about the theft itself, the rest fell into place. RIP all that Matchbox car research! Then I went and created Mrs. Reid and the Campus Creep to be mirrors of each other. (I also decided using the principal would be too close to the foot-tickling principal in canon.)

- When I was first outlining this story, I also kicked around the idea of Holden getting bullied by popular jock-types at school. At some point I was going to have him being hazed, and getting himself out of being hurt by offering sexual favours to the bullies. I was looking for a way to keep the sexual acting-out symptom of abuse that we saw in chapter two alive.

- Dealing with bullies at school was kind of stressing me out though, it seemed like a lot of pipe to lay for what was essentially a C-Story. And while I wanted to keep the thread of his sexual acting-out-ness alive, I didn’t want to go too deep on it. So at some point, it shifted to his teacher. Mrs. Reid was going to be a man, and I was going to have an off-screen scene where Mr. Reid asked Holden to stay after class because he had failed a test or something. Holden would panic and try to offer some kind of sexual favour, the way he panicked and touched Bill’s thigh in chapter two. Mr. Reid would shut it down, but NOT report it to anyone— until Holden got lost in DC on Mr. Reid’s watch. Then that would all come out in the parent-teacher meeting.

- However, because the parent-teacher meeting was going to have to cover 1) the book 2) suspension and 3) the Matchbox car, another element just seemed like too much. The consequences of something like that seemed like they’d take over the story, and again, I thought that wouldn’t strike the right tone with Holden’s symptoms of abuse. I’m not sure if I am reaching the right tone at all anyway, but I think less is more.

Anyway, with all that in mind, here is the scene!

—

Bill went to James Monroe to talk to the principal.

“Hey, about Holden,” he started.

“Mr. Tench, I know you’re in a tough situation with him, but policy is policy,” said Mr. McNarland.

Bill shook his head. “It’s not about the suspension. I totally understand. And I wanted to apologize for what happened yesterday, with Holden’s outburst. I was taken aback, and I shouldn’t have let it get so out of control.”

Mr. McNarland blinked. “Well. I appreciate that, Mr. Tench. Thank you.”

“This business with the Matchbox car, though,” said Bill. He coughed, and shifted. “Holden’s been through a lot.”

Mr. McNarland nodded. “I know. He’s not the only child in care that I’ve had as a student. I know it’s a unique challenge.”

“Yeah. It is.” Bill nodded in return, mirroring the principal’s movements. “He doesn’t have a lot of his own possessions. We only recently started giving him an allowance and he doesn’t even seem to know what to do with it. But he had those cars since he was little. They mean more to him than a typical kid’s toys do. And you’re a collector, Mr. McNarland.” He nodded at the display shelf of aging trinkets. “You know how important a kid’s toys can be to begin with.”

Mr. McNarland sighed. “That’s unfortunate. My heart goes out to him. But…” he shrugged. “Screaming at school staff, and his foster parents, and trying to destroy someone else’s property is not the right way to deal with his problems.”

Bill nodded, frowning, trying to look like he was taking in what the principal was saying. “I’m just trying to help him figure it out. Because he’s very organized. It’s not like him to lose things.”

Mr. McNarland sighed and shook his head. “Well… even the most organized kids lose things, Mr. Tench.”

“Yeah,” Bill conceded. “But not Holden. Not really. You don’t live with him. He’s meticulous. More than any adult I know. And if he says he never took those Matchbox cars out of that plastic bag, I believe him.”

Mr. McNarland fiddled with his tie uncomfortably. “I’m not quite sure what you’re getting at here, Mr. Tench.”

Bill leaned forward. Let his face get a little harder. “Holden didn’t lose his Matchbox car at home. And I seriously doubt he would have taken it out at school. Do you think he would have?”

Mr. McNarland frowned. His fingers fiddled with his tie faster.

“You always wear such cute ties?” Bill asked. “The little boats yesterday. Planes today. The Matchbox people make boats and planes, too. But you knew that, didn’t you?”

Mr. McNarland looked taken aback. “Are you… insinuating something?”

“I’m not insinuating shit,” Bill spat. “You know exactly what Holden was talking about when he had his tantrum. And you know that the only time his backpack was out of his sight was when <I>you</I> were searching it.”

“Mr. Tench—”

“You said you knew how hard that particular car was to find. You said <I>Matchbox wasn’t the same after Superfast.</I> Because you knew <I>that’s</I> why they don’t make Holden’s car anymore.” Bill leaned one arm on the principal’s desk. “I wonder if you happen to know how much a late ‘60s, pre-Superfast, brown Ford Cortina with doors that open is worth these days. Probably not a fortune, but at least two or three times what was paid for it, right?”

The principal sputtered indignantly.

“But the trick is to wait,” Bill said, staring McNarland straight in the eye, “for the value to mature.”

McNarland’s lip quivered. He broke the stare, and shook his head rapidly. “Mr. Tench, this is really out of line.”

“Oh, is it?” Bill stood. “You know what I think is out of line? A teacher that doesn’t <I>do anything</I> about a student trying to trade sexual favours with him, and a principal who steals from poor foster kids.”

“Excuse me!” McNarland stood too, trying and failing to match Bill’s height. “If you have an issue with how we’re handling Mr. Reid, you’re welcome to take it up with the school board. But I won’t stand here and let you accuse me of—”

“You’re fucking right I’m gonna take it up with the school board,” said Bill. “Where’s the car, McNarland? Or do you want me to get the Bureau involved, too?”

McNarland laughed in disbelief. “Mr. Tench, you are not the only law enforcement parent who’s tried to pull strings.”

“Yeah? Well, I’m the only law enforcement parent whose foster kid you were dumb enough to steal from. Give it back.”

“I don’t have it,” McNarland said forcefully, hands fisted in his tie, dropping his gaze on the last word.

“Then maybe it’s not just me who goes to the school board,” said Bill. “Maybe I’ll round up all the other law enforcement parents and tell them how Mr. Reid let a kid make sexual passes at him for over two months and nothing was done about it. Maybe I’ll call all the military parents I know, too. I know some Marines who would be thrilled to hear it.”

McNarland huffed. “You think— you think I don’t see bullies like you day in and day out? You think I didn’t grow up with kids like you, who are used to— to making threats to get what they want?”

“Oh, I’m sure you were well acquainted with <I>bullies like me</I> when you were a nerd in high school,” said Bill. “But the difference between <I>us</I>, Mr. McNarland, is that I grew up and got my head out of my ass. While sad twerps like <I>you</I> grew up into the kind of adults who would steal a toy from a child.” He shook his head and turned to leave. “I guess we’re done. You’ll hear from the school board.”

“Wait.” Mr. McNarland’s voice was strained. He shakily opened a drawer and slapped a little Matchbox on the desk. The brown Ford Cortina.

Bill sighed, half disbelieving. “You’re pathetic,” he sneered, taking the Matchbox and slipping it in his pocket.

“Get out of my office,” McNarland snapped.

“Gladly,” said Bill. “You should get started on your resume, Mr. McNarland.”

He stepped out of the principal’s office and closed the door with a shaky sigh. The secretary stared at him, wide-eyed.

“I think I may have made your life a bit harder, Miss. Sorry about that.”

[mdelpin]

To Kill A Dragon - Chapter 8

Previous: Ch 7 | Ch 8 | Next: Ch 9

Chapter 8: Friend or Foe?

A chorus of "WHAT?!" erupted in the Fairy Tail guild library as everyone gaped at the healer in disbelief.

"I'm sorry, I could have sworn you just said that Natsu was pregnant," Lyon repeated dumbly, trying to wrap his head around the healer's announcement.

"That's exactly what I said."

"But how could that be? He's a guy," Lucy pointed out, earning herself a glare from the healer.

"Natsu did mention she tricked him into taking some sort of solution to induce a dragon heat," Laxus said sheepishly, knowing full well he had purposefully left out that information.

Makarov studied his grandson thoughtfully, wondering what else Laxus was keeping from them.

"Yes, he did say that, but he also mentioned the solution was created to keep dragons from dying out," Porlyusica corrected him.

"That's what made me decide to test him in the first place. If I had the solution here, I could analyze it, but my guess is it was actually some kind of fertility drug for dragons. Tiamat used it to impregnate him, and now a demigod is growing inside of him."

"How long will the pregnancy last?" Makarov inquired before anyone could say something that would upset Porlyusica.

"How the hell am I supposed to know what the gestation period is for a magically induced pregnancy of a demigod in a male?" Porlyusica screeched at Makarov.

She was starting to get agitated again. She didn't like being around people on the best of days, and she was quickly reaching her limit. The idiotic looks on all of their faces were not helping.

"Have you told him already?" Makarov asked her quietly.

"Of course not! He's too weak, both physically and emotionally at the moment to handle any of this. I recommend you don't tell him until he's had a chance to deal with his torture and captivity. Hopefully, he won't have any symptoms for a while." Porlyusica left the library and made her way back to the infirmary.

The room remained silent as they all watched her disappear up the stairs. Moments later Sting and Rogue made their way into the library, matching horrified expressions etched across their faces.

"Did that crazy woman actually say that Natsu is pregnant?" Sting looked to Laxus for confirmation.

The sound of laughter erupted in the room. Everyone looked for the source of the sound. Gray was laughing, tears flowing freely from his eyes as he finally snapped from the stress he'd been under since Natsu had disappeared. He noticed everyone looking at him worriedly and wiped the tears from his eyes, still chuckling to himself.

"I'm sorry, I know it's not funny, but I mean, seriously, only Natsu could manage to go from rejecting Erza to getting himself knocked up by a god in three days. He's never even been on a date! It's completely ridiculous," Gray's voice changed from amusement to sadness as he realized the truth of his statement.

Natsu had never gotten the chance to enjoy physical closeness with anyone on his own terms. It really wasn't fair for this to happen to him. Erza put her arm around his shoulder, pulling him in for a half-hug, but he shrugged her off.

"Let's keep this information between us for now. I don't want Natsu finding out by overhearing someone talking about it in the guild," Makarov instructed the small group in the library. "We will wait until he is doing better to tell him," The Fairy Tail master viewed Gray with concern, not quite sure what to do for him.

"Sting, go upstairs and have Porlyusica test you," Makarov ordered.

"What? No, that's ridiculous. I didn't drink anything when I was with her, and I feel fine."

Makarov glanced at Rogue Cheney, who nodded and dragged the protesting master of Sabertooth up to the infirmary. He then took Laxus upstairs to his office for a private talk.

Erza, Gray, and Lyon left the researchers and made their way back to the main guild room. They sat at a table near the back, quietly absorbing the shocking news they had just received when the large wooden doors of the guild entrance opened.

They watched curiously as two men entered the hall. The men looked around the guild nervously, as if they were looking for someone. They were wearing cloaks with some kind of symbol on the back but were too far away for them to make it out.

Mira hurried over to welcome them, and when the men turned to greet her, they were able to see the symbol. Five differently colored dragon heads joined at the neck to make a circle.

Erza reacted first. She requipped a sword into her hand and hurried towards the two men, violence implied in every step. Gray got up to follow her but stopped for a minute, looking up towards the infirmary.

"Go tell the dragon slayers to stay out of sight," Gray ordered Lyon quietly but urgently. The Lamia Scale mage quickly got up and hurried upstairs.

Gray walked quickly to stand next to Erza, his face impassive, but his stance leaving no doubt he was ready for battle.

xxx

A giant five headed dragon flew above the clouds. Now that Tiamat had both the white and red dragon's powers, she was capable of holding her dragon form for more extended periods.

It had been several days since she'd set fire to the building where she had been held captive, but Tiamat still felt satisfaction from the surprised looks on the cultists' faces. Looks that had quickly turned to terror when they realized she was outside the magic sealing stone where they had kept her prisoner.

She could still hear their agonized screams as they burned from her fire. They were melodious, like music to her ears. She wasn't sure if she'd gotten them all, but she was confident they would not be coming for her anytime soon. Tiamat was free.

'Fools,' she thought, annoyed by their hubris, 'They really thought they could contain me with that pathetic binding spell.'

She had spent the time since following a faint dragon scent that she hoped would lead her to the black dragon Acnologia. A chromatic dragon of that caliber would be an excellent ally to have.

Tiamat was determined to restore dragons to their former glory and undo all the tragedy that Igneel and his friends had caused. Once that happened, the humans were going to pay for their insolence. She would bring about a new age of dragons, and this time, there wouldn't be enough dragon slayers to stop her.

Tiamat continued to follow the trail over a range of mountains. She was hungry and had begun to tire, but an enticing smell caught her attention, and she dove towards it.

She followed it to a patch of grass where a group of goats was calmly grazing. After making quick work of them, she looked for a cave to shelter her while she rested.

Tiamat flew higher until she saw a cave large enough to suit her purposes. She walked inside and sniffed to make sure she was alone. That faint dragon smell was present here, but it was old. Once satisfied, she changed back to her Dark Lady avatar, lay down and went to sleep content and with a full belly. She woke to a rustling noise outside and moved cautiously to seek it out.

Even though it was still mostly dark out, she could detect a man standing outside the cave. He was muscular with spiky, long, dark blue hair. Blue markings covered his body. He looked at her haughtily, but there was no hiding the air of danger that surrounded him, and even though he appeared unarmed, she was instantly wary.

"What are you doing in my cave?" he asked her angrily.

"I sought shelter, but I will be happy to be on my way," Tiamat sniffed the air carefully, trying to determine what it was about this man that had her on edge.

The man narrowed his eyes at her when he noticed what she was doing and began to do the same. He looked surprised at whatever he found and immediately got into a battle stance.

"Who are you? Are you the one who has been following me?"

She stiffened as she finally recognized the scent she had been following pouring off this man. How could that be? She changed into her dragon form and took to the air. She hovered above him.

"I am Tiamat, Dragon Goddess and Queen of the Chromatic Dragons. I am looking for the black dragon they call Acnologia. Why do you smell like him, are you his dragon slayer?"

Acnologia quickly changed into his dragon form and took to the sky, leaving room between them for the moment. He roared with laughter.

"Indeed I am, Your Highness," he said mockingly, "Did you think I was a black dragon? All the dragons are dead. I made sure of that over four hundred years ago. All except for you, I thought you had been banished during the War."

He was getting excited at the idea of fighting a proper dragon, a goddess no less. It had been a long time since he'd had a truly good fight. One where the outcome was not decided before the battle began.

"YOU, A LOWLY HUMAN, KILLED MY PRECIOUS DRAGONS?" Tiamat roared.

Her voice echoed through the mountains, sounding like a judgment from the heavens themselves. She was furious, and her heart instantly filled with hatred. She'd been looking to make an alliance with the black dragon, but now, now she just wanted to destroy him. Tear him limb from limb with her claws and fangs and blast him with all her magic. But that would be mercy after what he'd done, so she would heal him so she could do it over and over until he begged her for death.

She flew at him, her red head already roaring dragon fire at Acnologia, hotter than any mere dragon slayer could manage. Her white head simultaneously attacking with holy light. Her other three heads were divided between hurling insults at the black dragon and encouraging the fighting heads on in their assault.

Acnologia quickly dodged her attacks and responded with his own dragon roar. Tiamat flew out of the way of most of it, but she'd already been tired before she got to the cave and knew she wouldn't be able to fight for very long.

She could already see she was going to require more power than what she currently had to be able to defeat him. She needed to get away so she could get the rest of her magic from the last three dragon slayers. Only then would she be able to destroy him. She concentrated all of her remaining magic into one spell and teleported herself away from Acnologia.

She was sure the dragons slayers were already huddled in Magnolia with Fairy Tail, so she decided to head to Era. The poison dragon slayer was isolated and should make for an easy target.

A/N: Making progress! Hoping to get a few more of these out this week.

[goblincas]

Entry Level Angel | Ch 2

On AO3

No doubt, Cas had infiltrated a business casual wonderland.

The pearly, spit-shined walls were bearing down on him, their surface nearly as glossy as the lapel pin of the nearest corporate crony. Only a handful of attendees seemed to have spotted Cas; admittedly, it was hard to tell just how many that was, given the vacant overtone of their glares. They’d initially sneered down at him, but soon fell into muted giggle fits, erupting one-by-one.

Clearly, there were some conflicted-as-hell emotions at play— and Cas's arrival was the catalyst, it seemed.

One woman abruptly quieted, ran her palms down a perfectly pressed blouse, all before melding back into the swarm. Then, a separate, male flockmate tried his hand at the same move. Although, his joints were tragically under-oiled, missing the easy elegance of the gesture. In any case, they all lost interest pretty damn quickly. Then, they were off, sucked back into the many-suited mass.

Cas stayed oh-so still. Kept silent. He blinked slowly, hoping to cast the fog from his mind. He would certainly benefit from some old-fashioned deduction, right now.

So, where the hell was he?

Alright, two working theories: Either he was nabbed by a fundamentalist cult, or he’d been forcibly inducted into a secret society of smarmy, wannabee lawyers. Not that Cas would have been of much use to them, given his lone degree in middle grade education, plus his utter inability to feign indifference during an argument. Maybe there’d been a mix-up on the roster?

Anyhow, Cas could hardly feel his feet. He was actually pretty numb below the waist, altogether. Was he even wearing shoes?

Yet— as Cas tried, finally, to step forward, the scene was swallowed by a sharp blue light.

From white,

to blue,

to black. And, he was consumed.

⁂

The stream of sunlight hit Cas's closed eyelids, visible even before his other senses joined him in the waking realm. Morning rays flickered across his face— if anything, their caress felt strangely tangible. Cas could feel the heat carefully needling against his cheeks, never penetrating the skin. Instead, warmth clung to him like a strategically loose layer of Cling Wrap. Sticky, almost.

Seconds later, Cas jerked upright. He noted that he’d been lying horizontally across his mattress, blankets bunched up beneath his back, calves protruding over the side of the bed.

Huh.

Finally, with the force of a mental joyride gone wrong… it struck Cas. He was all but smacked to a screeching halt— and, somehow simultaneously, sent into overdrive. “Wait, wait, wait—”

At that, Cas practically flung himself in the direction of his mirror, wobbly legs be damned. Hardly hesitating, Cas lifted the fabric of his shirt, exposing his bare abdomen.

And it was exactly that— bare. Colorless.

Normal.

Truly, Cas couldn’t say he had ever been witness to a less interesting abdomen.

He squinted at his own reflection, as if challenging himself to unveil the truth… which, was surely being concealed in plain sight. Right? Still, there were no visible changes. There was no internal blue glow, his flesh as dim as ever.

As vivid as the previous night had been— and despite how much Cas wished it had been an exhaustion-induced haze— there were no lingering clues as to whether it had even happened. At least, nothing concrete enough to be considered a valid “clue.”

Still, just to be sure, Cas decided to go through with that Curses4U™ search; after all, he’d been rudely interrupted, the first time he’d tried. Despite the slew of relatively specific keywords (“bright blue glowing lit up abdomen torso passed out”), no results seemed to fit his case closely enough to warrant further research. Already, he’d hit a wall.

Unless, maybe this really is all because of The Moss?

Yeah, he’d have to ask Charlie about that, ASAP.

As it would turn out, a trip to the kitchen didn’t offer much insight, either. Groaning his frustration, Cas shuffled over to the sink, honing in on the windowsill-dwelling houseplants. There was a modest trio, all potted herbs.

All belonged to Dean, believe it or not.

Whenever Cas had met his now-best friend several years back, he’d never have pegged him as a plant-ternal, green thumb type; a conventionally rugged man, whose entire put-on persona practically radiated “unresolved daddy issues.” Nonetheless, Cas and Dean hadn’t lived together very long at all, before the countertops and windowsills of their apartment were just teeming with flora. As it turned out, Dean was a devoted plant dad.

Plus, Dean could always use the herbs when he cooked, which was yet another semi-surprising hobby of his. Really, bonding with Dean had given Cas a free crash-course in the dangers of preemptive stereotyping— seriously, who would have guessed that Mr. Beer-Over-Therapy was a Vonnegut fanboy? Certainly not Cas's past self.

Live and learn.

Ahead of Cas, sprouting proudly from a matte black pot, were basil leaves.

“Hello,” Cas grumbled, supposedly addressing the basil plant. “I swear to all that is holy, your father better not panic if I tell him what’s going on. He can be a very paranoid man, but I’m sure you know that already. You are under his care, after all.”

The response was silence, as expected.

Without a doubt, Cas was going to need a better, more sentient distraction.

⁂

“Hey, Charlie, can I ask you a question? It’s going to sound… borderline nonsensical, but I swear, there’s a good reason.”

Gently shutting the freezer door, Charlie swiveled around to face the breakfast bar. Cas was leaning back against the surface, a hard edge pressing into him from behind. Which, stung far less than Cas was sure it should have.

Charlie’d shot him a text thirty minutes prior, letting Cas know she’d be stopping by for a check-in, in between her array of moving-related errands. Cas would continue to babysit The Moss for another day or two; still, she’d felt that a wellness check would be smart. Cas had to agree with her, there. Because, hey, it wasn’t as if he had any experience caring for magically enhanced, possibly inadvertently cursed moss. Speaking of—

“Sure,” Charlie replied, leaning back against the fridge. She flashed a grin. “Maybe I’ll tease you about it, maybe I won’t. We’ll see.”

Cas huffed, rolling his eyes. Even then, he couldn’t help but smile, matching his friend. Her warmth was infectious; although, it was largely superficial on Cas. Really, he was too stressed to broach any comorbid emotions. Which, sadly, seemed to include the pleasant ones.

At risk of worrying Charlie and making himself appear even less capable of handling the situation, Cas made sure to keep his voice level. Steady and clearly unbothered. “Well, it’s… actually pretty complicated. But, I suppose it boils down to: Is it ever possible for enchanted plant materials, no matter how benevolent, to backfire and have negative side effects on their surroundings? Like, almost, giving someone a magical allergic reaction?”

To Cas's dismay, Charlie slid into a frown, furrowing her brow. “Yes, I guess? Maybe? Is something wrong?”

Cas deflated. “Not exactly,” he said, although he knew it sounded like a stone-cold lie the moment it slithered out of his lips. So, he amended. “At least, it isn’t anything truly debilitating. Just incredibly strange, I guess.”

Charlie nodded, sucking on her bottom lip. “Got it. So, what’s up?”

“Well…” Cas paused to cringe. Okay, so, what was the least alarming way he could go about explaining himself? He really should have prepared a script. Dammit. “Nothing too bad. Food hasn’t had much of a taste, I’ve had trouble sleeping, my skin is apparently impervious to boiling hot liquids—”

“Woah, woah, hold up. Really? Cas, seriously, what the hell happened?”

Cas sighed. “I spilled hot coffee on myself. And, essentially, it just slid off my skin, without leaving any kind of burn, or causing me any pain. Only, that happened— wait, shit. That part happened before you even dropped off the moss.”

Brows nearly embedded into her hairline, Charlie spoke slowly. Understandable, since Cas was beginning to act more like a spooked animal by the second. “Cas. You know good and well that that’s not normal, nor is it okay. At least, if you didn’t intend for it to happen,” she said. “And, yeah, I highly doubt my fucking moss would have such a dramatic effect. Christ. You do know that I use this stuff as a base for caffeine-substitute charms, right?”

“I know, I know.” Cas dug his palms deeper into the edge of the countertop.

Charlie nodded, but narrowed her gaze. “Is that everything that’s been going on? Or, is there totally more that you’re totally avoiding telling me about?”

At that point, Cas had only the flimsiest grasp on his resolve. Charlie could certainly come off as threatening, when she had a reason to. “Possibly,” he muttered.

“And?”

“And, last night, I’m pretty sure my entire abdomen was glowing blue. Like, as if there was a fluorescent light bulb shoved up into my ribs. Then, I may or may not have fallen unconscious, until this morning. Maybe,” Cas explained, seeing as there was no way he’d get out of that conversation without confessing, lest Charlie crucify him against the wall of his own kitchen.

Charlie was practically gaping, by then. She took a few overly cautious steps toward Cas, lowering her voice considerably. “Cas Novak. I’m sorry, but that is so not okay. Seriously, that sounds like some kinda curse, or something! You really should—”

“I’ve done some research already, if that’s what you’re suggesting. I couldn’t find anything. At least, nothing involving my exact combination of symptoms. Clearly, if it’s a curse, it’s not an especially common one.” Cas shrugged.

Charlie huffed in response. “Well,” she said, “Freakish stomach light aside, have any of the more minor symptoms been causing you enough of an issue? Like, didn’t you mention something about a low appetite?”

“Food not tasting of anything,” Cas corrected. “Although, I guess I don’t have much of an appetite, either. I haven’t eaten since… two days ago, maybe.”

“And you’re really not hungry? Like, at all?”

Cas shook his head. His shame was palpable. “No, I’m really not.”

“Cas, this sure as hell doesn’t sound healthy. You—”

With his most impeccable timing to date, a bathrobe-clad Dean decided then to stagger into the kitchen, clearly still sleep-dazed. He only allowed the new-found silence to hang in the air for a moment, before cutting through it, himself. “Hey,” he grumbled, then cleared his throat and headed toward the fridge. “You Cas's co-worker? The mossy one?”

“Oh, uh. Sure, that’s me. I’m Charlie. I was just stopping by, to… check on the moss. Yeah, that’s all,” she said, obviously struggling to reorient her thoughts after the abrupt change in topic. The air was still so heavy, yet Dean seemed entirely unaffected by the pressure. Praise be to the sleepy, oblivious bastard.

“M’Dean. Hey, Cas, you eaten breakfast yet?”

“Oh! Um, I ate a small snack after waking up. I could go for breakfast, now, though.”

If Cas didn’t know any better, he’d say that Charlie was attempting to slice into his squishy, heat-resistant flesh with her stare, alone. Frankly, if the razor-sharp shame that Cas was struck with said anything, Charlie wasn’t too far off from her goal. A cocktail of daggers, concern, and curiosity— it was practically pouring from Charlie’s eyes, dousing Cas over the head like several consecutive jugs of ice water.

How acceptable would it have been for a grown man to call “taksies backsies” on an entire conversation?

Well, in any case, that was certainly the last time he took initiative over his own well-being. Cas would, instead, steal a page from Dean’s playbook: Never ask for help, no matter how desperately you need it.

He would thank his friend later for setting such an enlightening example… whether or not Dean might appreciate Cas's latest self-help philosophy.

[skeletorific]

With that not eating request, I would absolutely love to see the reaction of HT Sans plz >w>

AHAHAHAHAHA GUESS WHO ENDED UP DOING RESEARCH AND SPENDING LIKE AN HOUR PLUS ONE SHOWER THINKING THIS THROUGH

Also apologies to anybody who can’t read this now because of it but I am gonna go full anorexia for this s/o. The possibilities were too interesting not to explore a little bit. Also I have departed somewhat from the original scenario, largely because of how I perceive Axe and his potential relationships.\

Also I don’t know if it was tyranttortoise who came up with the idea of Axe doing cannibal jokes but the idea was too good and too endearing not to (lovingly) steal

You had been lucky.

Sans had been the one to find you. His axe swung loosely at his side. He felt almost bored when he approached you. Part of him wondered when this all had become so easy. Just another human, ripe for chopping. That part of him was drowned out by a much louder voice, the screaming, empty gnawing in his stomach that had become as much a part of his life as snow and the close air of the Underground. 

You had scrambled back when you saw him coming, weak words of pleading coming out of your mouth. Only Papyrus’ intervention had saved you, but even before his brother stepped in, his hand has stilled. Something about you……couldn’t put a phalange on it, but it felt….familiar. Not like the other things, things that he shouldn’t remember but did (blue and pink sweaters, a knife flashing through the Hall, flower flower flower dust). But familiar like kin. Like a connection felt in a moment.

You weren’t that strong, but you were smart. That had gotten you through Papyrus’ puzzles with little more than a few gashes. By that point, his brother had gotten fond enough of you that he asked his brother to place their protection over this too valuable morsel. Reluctantly, he’d agreed. Hadn’t been easy keeping starving fingers off you, but in fairness to you, you were fairly compliant with his safety restrictions.

The more time he spent with you, the stronger the feelings of companionship grew. Not that you talked much those first few months. Like him you seemed to prefer silence, could get quite snappish when it was intruded on. You saved your words for Papyrus. But as time went on, he thought he found the reason.

You had hollow eyes, pale skin, an empty looking face with skin that looked like it was stretched a shade too far. And he’d known. 

You were someone that knew hunger as he did. Long term. The way it sat with you. Emptied you out, filled your mind while fogging it up. Tainted everything you did.

Even when you had food you never seemed to eat much of it. Unless you’d gone without for a couple of days (not exactly uncommon, but still), you seemed to only swallow a few bites before pushing it on Papyrus. Not that he’d ever complain about having to hunt for less food, but in his moments of lucidity…..it was concerning.

And he couldn’t really figure it out. You’d looked like that when he found you. What had you like that before? Surface couldn’t possibly be this bad….Either way, wasn’t really his business. Long as you ate enough that you could run when someone chased you, you could do what you liked for all he cared.

As months passed by, though, “all he cared” was turning into quite a bit. He liked you. More than he’d liked anyone in a long time. And for the most part, it seemed you liked him. Nothing you could do about it, really. Place like this you never really had the time or energy to sit down and hash out relationship terms. But without a word about it on either side you drew closer. You came with him on any excursion he didn’t explicitly ban you from. He took to sharing a bed with you. Not in….well, not in that sense (his brother was still right next door) but both of you found you slept easier with each other. Though both of you had a thousand different walls, there was a certain understanding between you. Light touches that he didn’t immediately pull back from. Small gifts, even, when it was an option.

Finally, the day came. Freedom. The Sunlight. Everything he’d given up hope of. Aliza gave it to all of them. In many ways, he couldn’t believe it. He lived each day expecting fully to wake up back in Snowdin. The fact that he continued to not do so was little more than a mildly pleasant surprise.

You stayed with the brothers. And the two of you drew closer. He found himself wanting to keep you in sight whenever possible. Without seeming to be aware of it you held his hand in public. More than once, a soft kiss exchanged in a sleepless night riddled with nightmares. Both of you had accepted this was something of a relationship, but were letting it evolve as it would. You were two damaged pieces, trying to see if your jagged edges would fit together.

And still, you weren’t eating.

Of course, like everyone else you had gorged yourself to the point of sickness when you’d first gotten topside. But after you’d settled in, it was back to tiny portions, pushing away food. And as the rest of them got healthier, the more your symptoms differentiated you. The mood swings, the fainting and dizzy spells. You got sick far too easily, slept more than you were awake, were easily winded. And he was hearing whispers when you went out in public.

“Are they okay?”

“That poor kid….”

Once a snide comment that wasn’t the human lucky, they’d found a boyfriend to match their look. For a brief moment the rage over took him and you had to pull him out of the store before anything unfortunate happened.

Sometimes it was hard to remember killing would have consequences again.

You were long past adjustment periods. And it was time for him to do some digging….

One night it finally spilled over. You were on the porch, staring out at the night sky. Both of you, for the moment at least, at some kind of peace. As his arm crept around you, he was growing more and more aware that it wouldn’t be much effort to count every bone in your face.

“Hey.” he said. You looked up at him.

“What happens when you upset a cannibal?”

“………”

“You end up in hot water.”

You stared at him for a long moment before your shoulders startled to tremble and you laughed, uncontrollable and gentle, like a river over stones. He responded with his own low chuckle.

He was possessive of that laugh. For as long he’d known you the only thing that brought it out was his jokes. 

He let it die slowly as you relaxed against him, each taut muscle slowly coming undone against him. He could feel your bones pressing against him, and as familiar as it felt, he was only too aware no human should feel like this.

“and uh, speakin of eating….” His hands skated lightly up and down your side. “can’t help but notice you haven’t been doin much of it”

Well, there was that tension again. You didn’t pull away but you felt about to. “Oh?” You said, in a voice that was too casual to be honest.

“yeah.” he said. Trying to keep his own voice even. “You got something you want to tell me?”

You went silent for a full minute.

“Cus, uh, was looking online. “ He didn’t look at you, just staring out over the yard. “came across this thing called ‘anorexia nervosa’. Eating disorder. Symptoms include dizziness, mood swings, faintin, excessive thinness…..” With each symptom listed you drew away a bit, inch by inch, your shoulders slowly starting to hung up and your hands clenching in your lap. He finally looked over. “sound like someone you know?”

Your fingernails dug into your palms and you were silent for endless minutes. “Sans, I-…..its not-….I’m….” 

You made the mistake of looking over. He didn’t look concerned, exactly. Sans never pried, never forced something from you that you weren’t ready to tell. But that red glowing eye…..it demanded nothing less from you than perfect honesty. The two of you had done too many horrible things to bother lying to each other. You gathered yourself, and took a deep breath.

“It….it started a long time ago.” You said. “My mom….she used to give me shit all the time about how much I weighed. I don’t even think she meant for it to…..she may have just been kidding around. But it stuck.

“When I was fourteen I started starving myself. It was stupid, I knew it was, but I just….I hated what I was seeing in the mirror everyday. At some point it stopped being about that, started being about control. It was like the hungrier I got the more obsessed I became with regulating myself. I ate enough to keep myself going. No more.

“Its funny,” you said, laughing grimly. “I spent so much of my life obsessed with not eating anything, only to fall into a world where I had no other choice.”

Was it your imagination that his arm tightened around you? Maybe, maybe not. 

“So….hasn’t gone away since you came back, I take it.”

“I don’t…….” Your voice shrank somehow, like you had become smaller. “Sans, I don’t think it ever will.”

There was a lengthy silence. You felt bile rising in your throat and you hated yourself for the wave of sorrow that overtook you. Why had you told him? Why had he asked? Both of you had far too much on your shoulders without burying yourself in each other’s private problems.

The concept was rattling around in his head. Depriving yourself of food by choice? He couldn’t wrap his head around it. How fucked up would you have to be to……..Well, then again, not his world. He had to remind himself you didn’t come from a place where the scramble for any kind of sustenance was so hard monsters resented cooking for shrinking their meat.

“‘m not gonna act like I know about it.” He said after a while. “hell, I’m not the healthiest myself.” There was a knocking sound of his knuckles hitting his skull and he grinned unnervingly wide. “But I, uh…..wouldn’t give yourself as a lost cause yet.”

“……Sans-”

“‘nother thing I found online,” he said. “Couple of places where you can go, they’ll help you out. Know a lot more about this kind of thing than I do.”

“I’ve tried them before, they never take.”

“Well, back then you just had your shitty mom waiting for you.” There was a hard edge in his voice that made you look up. “Now you’ve got Paps, Ali, m-…….”the word stuck in his throat before he finally just said “all of us. Got people worth feelin better for.”

……Had he meant to say me. Your SOUL warmed instantly but you didn’t call him out on it. “Yeah……maybe.”

“Look, sweetheart,” the pet name took you by surprise and you didn’t resist when his hand drew your chin up to look at him properly. “I promised Paps I’d keep ya fed, didn’t I? And much as I hate makin promises…..I don’t intend to break this one.”

There was something in his eyes, some unspoken words that you felt in some spot in your chest. You held his gaze for a long moment.

“…..Okay.”

You leaned back against his shoulder and his arm returned to your waist. The coming months, you knew, would be hell, a hell of conselors and soul-baring and everyone hovering over you like a sick lamb. 

But for now, there was silence, and the steadiness of his warmth. And for a moment, the hunger was far, far behind. For both of you.

“Hey,” he said. “What do you do for a starving cannibal?”

“Sans, I swear to-”

“You give him a helping hand.”

“I fucking can’t.”

[groovypaperpatrol]

On trying to get pregnant...

I had been intending on recording my thoughts about this months ago for posterity… life gets incredibly busy and I don’t really get an opportunity to sit down and record my thoughts anymore, especially after becoming a mom.

My husband and I had been trying to get pregnant for approximately two years. We had a brief hiatus when we lived with my mom for a summer when we were waiting for our house to be completely built. We discovered in this time, that the reason that we were having so much difficulty is because I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). I had been Googling symptoms of what I was going through and came across this and the symptoms that it showed matched exactly what I was going through. I went to my family doctor and told her about what was going on and what I had found out in my research. She asked me some further questions and determined that it would be worth it to send me for testing.

There was blood work, and a vaginal ultrasound involved. The results came back to her that I couldn’t have PCOS as I didn’t have any cysts. She decided she would refer me to a gynecologist to see if they could figure out what was going on. The only problem was the referral wasn’t for another four months and I was having symptoms that were severely impacting my quality of life. I couldn’t wait four more months to get answers. I took it upon myself and booked myself an appointment with a woman’s clinic. My family doctor is fantastic, no doubt, but she deals with general ailments, not specific woman’s reproductive problems.

Upon describing my symptoms to the women's health specialist, she expressed that I was describing the symptoms associated with PCOS. I told her that my family doctor had sent me for testing for this and she determined that it wasn’t PCOS. She looked up the tests in the universal system and told me that based on what I described and based on the tests that I very likely had PCOS but she was going to send me to another specialist - an endocrinologist - to find out for sure as they specialize in hormone issues such as this. I was expecting that getting into this other specialist was going to take some more months and that I was going to be left to suffer through the symptoms during the wait period to which ever referral came first in my timeline. Surprisingly though, I received the call for an appointment for the endocrinologist for the next week! Ideally I was going to finally get answers.

My appointment rolls around and Jeff and I go to the doctor’s together. I wasn’t sure what to expect so I wanted moral support there, and him being the amazing husband he is, came with me! I first met with a medical student to describe everything to him as he was learning the ropes of this discipline before meeting with the actual doctor himself. I went through the symptoms again, however this time they were asking questions about my personal history and my family history as well. Once the doctor had heard everything he told me that I had PCOS. I asked how that could be when my family doctor had done testing and came to the conclusion that I didn’t have it because I didn’t have cysts on my ovaries. The doctor told me that despite the name including cysts in it, cysts were actually one of the least common symptoms of PCOS. The big symptoms are hormone imbalances, irregular periods, and extra hair growth (because of extra male hormone).

He then asked Jeff and I what specifically prompted us to come in because that hadn’t been part of the referral that had been sent over. I advised that the immediate thing was the symptoms that were affecting my quality of life, but secondary to that was that we were trying to get pregnant and despite our efforts for almost a year we just couldn’t make it happen. The doctor then asked if we wanted to get pregnant right away because he said it was highly unlikely that we would be able to get pregnant without some additional help from medication, or medical procedures. We said that we wanted to get started right away, so he wrote up a referral for Jeff to get tested to make sure the problem was just on my end. We saw the doctor two weeks later who went over the tests results. The problems we were having only resided within me, so he wrote me up a couple of prescriptions and gave me the instructions to follow for these tests.

We tried twice on fertility medications and neither time they worked. In the meantime we had purchased a condo, and in order to save money on rent while we waited for it to be completed, we moved into the basement of my parents’ house. This put a halt to our attempts for a while until we moved into our own place upon completion. I had to wait a couple of months to get in to see the doctor again. When I got in, we started the regimen again. After the designated time I took a pregnancy test - and I was so sure I was pregnant - but the test came back negative. I was incredibly disappointed so I waited to go back in because I wasn’t sure if I could face the disappointment again right then. Jeff and I had a vacation planned anyways and I didn’t want to go and be pregnant, because I wouldn’t be able to fully enjoy myself (I thought anyways). This was all in the middle of February.

In March, towards the middle of it, I started feeling sick all the time. No matter what I ate, I could barely keep it down. Because I had already had a pregnancy test done, not once did I even suspect that pregnancy would be the cause of this. For almost two weeks, the only food I could even stomach were smoothies. I just thought it was food poisoning at first… just a mild case. Then when it lasted longer than a few days I chalked it up to just being a stomach bug of some sort. At this point I even went into the doctors for something… unrelated to the stomach issue at the time. I was curious due to feeling sick all the time so I asked if they could also requisition a pregnancy test when I was going for other blood work. It turns out that this test was never ordered. I didn’t think too much of it at the time due to the first test coming back negative and Jeff and I not having done a fertility regimen since January.

In the beginning of April, I started feeling better. I was still feeling really sick, a lot, but it wasn't a constant thing anymore. We were able to take our vacation as planned and had a great time. When we got back from our vacation I booked an appointment with our fertility specialist to try again as Jeff and I still wanted to try for kids. The appointment was for around May 10 or something like that. I went in to see him and we were chatting. He asked me the standard questions that he needed to before prescribing me the medications the previous times except this time he looked concerned. He told me two things, first, that he thought I was pregnant based on some of the answers that he provided. He gave me a pregnancy test to take at home in the morning and then to call him with the results. Second, he said that if he was wrong about me being pregnant, he could put me on the medication one more time before we had to start looking at something stronger as the treatments clearly weren’t working (we’re talking hormone injections, or IVF, that sort of thing). I told him that I had had a test done already and it had come back negative - but he wanted to be thorough just in case I had gotten pregnant in the intervening time since that test was done.

The next morning I took the test. The results came back… sort of? As most of the tests that I’ve done work, if you aren’t pregnant there is one solid line, and if you are pregnant there will be two. Well, I had one solid line and then a very faint blue line. I had no idea if this was a false positive or something like that. I called the doctor and let him know what had happened so he wanted me to go get a blood test to make sure. I booked for the following day… I was really lucky to be able to get in so quickly, which worked for me because I was desperate. I couldn’t stand not knowing what was going on. He received the results on May 14. I was driving into work, and I was stopping at McDonald’s to get breakfast because I was running really behind that morning. I had my phone out because I was expecting him to call me to let me know what the next steps were. It started ringing as I pulled into the parking lot so I quickly parked and answered the phone.

“Hi, is Laura there,” the doctor’s voice on the line came through. “This is she,” I responded, my voice shaking slightly. “Well, we got your results… and you’re pregnant.” I paused after this as tears filled my eyes. “You’re sure,” I asked. “Yes, the results are clear, however you are in the early stages of pregnancy so don’t get your hopes up. A lot can happen.”

Without fully thinking, I thanked him and hung up the phone and quickly phoned my husband to let him know. We were both ecstatic! We decided right away not to tell anyone until I was three months pregnant because we knew how risky pregnancy could be with my conditions……

[sofipitch]

As a Fruits Basket fan do you have any headcanons as to what kind of parents all the couples are to their kids in Another? (particularly Tohru/Kyo, Yuki/Machi, Shigure/Akito and HaruRin)

I really flattered you asked me this since I am usually just a bystander to the Furuba fandom. I love it but never produce anything. But here we go:

So I might be wrong but it is my understanding that Shiki’s gender was just assumed by those translating (since English is difficult with pronouns), so I’m totally going with Shiki as trans. Akito wouldn’t be the most motherly of mothers but the way she loves and helps her child unconditionally really shows. Shigure would be the “cool” parent, maybe even the type to be friends with his kid, convos at the dinner table, playing games, having little rituals like going to bookstores together and sitting down to read books instead of buying them (but still buying a shit ton). Shiki loves both of their parents but is definitely closer to Shigure but understand their mother’s awkwardness. As Shiki gets older they have a closer relationship with their mother.

Kyo and Tohru as parents are exactly like Bob and Linda Belcher. Kyo would love for at least one of his children to be interested in karate and taught it to them as children, but reassures them that they have the freedom to pick whatever they want to be in life.They are a really close family, Kyo and Tohru love that their children all get along together and care for each other. Tohru is really into volunteering so she brought her kids to help her plant community gardens and sort donations at various shelters ever since they were very young. Tohru gives the best birthday presents, if one of her kids or nieces gets into something like Pokemon she researches it to try and bond with them. Tohru loves animated movies and often hosts movie nights with all the sohma kids at her house. She makes the best snacks to go along with movie nights.

Rin and Haru are also super loving. They try to be responsible and wait till they are both settled and have jobs before having kids and then, boom, twins. I imagine Rin had a bit of a rough pregnancy. Rin has an awesome art room with everything you could possibly want. The floor was tile so she would often set her kids down with washable paint and would let them just make a mess, she could just clean it later.Creative outlets were really big in their house. Also Rin and Haru are the best to go to if a kid gets sick, Hatori may be the family doctor but Rin has had so many illnesses and Haru has helped her through so many she can spot a cold or strep before most symptoms start showing up. But she doesn’t panic like Tohru. Haru does most of the housework, making sandwiches, errands, the like. But they still have a maid who comes ever-so-often. Rin and Haru have such a large inventory of clothes their kids do too. They never put the twins in matching outfits, Riku and Sora started doing that themselves as a joke once they got older.

Yuki and Machi spend a lot of time with Mitsuki since their parents didn’t with them. They tend to spoil their son but he’s a good kind kid so it’s okay. Since Yuki is a psychologist (I always imagined he’d be one given how much he idolizes Tohru and can see things from other’s perspectives) so ever since he was little Mitsuki came to talk to his dad about literally everything. Machi had this huge rocking chair in Mitsuki’s nursery and loved to hold him and read him a story to sleep. Machi helps Mitsuki with his homework, his teachers are often amazed at how well done is work is, it’s because his parents have a really strong worth ethic.Mitsuki had to learn to cook from Tohru from Hajime because his parents are helpless. Tohru often sends a weeks worth of food home with him for his parents. In return Yuki gives Tohru the fresh produce from his garden. Their house has a beautiful garden and a shit ton of plants. 

[scripttorture]

(1/2) My MC leads an armed revolt against the tyrannical rulers (which are his own family) but the revolt fails, my MC is captured and put in prison. He is not tortured per se, but he is in a solitary confinement for a month and is put in hand shackles. After that, one of his relatives visits him, assures him that his life will be not in danger and orders to remove the shackles. After this "small kindness" and the solitary my MC breaks and gives all the names of rebels to the interrogators.

(2/2) I wanted to write it respectfully and truthfully and still show the "lowest point" of my MC - I thought to write it as some kind of coping strategy, like, my MC convinces himself that the rebellion was a mistake, did more worse than good and destroyed lives, the rulers are not so bad and he was mistaken in opposing them - and thats why he breaks. Do you think it is realistic? And which are the short-term (and long-term, is any) effects of being shackled? Thank you!

Alright well- if youwant to be realistic and respectful you need to start by treating solitary confinement for a month and being shackled for amonth as torture.

 Because it is.

 There are massive long term effects of thetortures your describing which would affect your character. And part of what Iwant to do is help authors realise that and show that.

 Because at the momentwe tend to write about certain tortures as if they have no effect on people.Which- well it does a disservice to the victims but it also teaches generationsof writers not to think twice about putting their characters through thesethings. We’re taught to assume they have no effect.

 I think it’ll probablybe helpful for you if I go over the physical and psychological effects ofsolitary and shackling for this time period but the main thing you’re worriedabout seems to be the character’s reaction. So I’ll go over that first.

 I’ve stressedrepeatedly that torture does not and can not change hearts and minds. But theimpression I have here is that that isn’t what you’re going for.

 The ‘enemy’ are thecharacter’s family that makes everything much more emotionally complicated. Itwould be natural for your character to have doubts about how ‘bad’ their familyare, especially if they had a good childhood.

 And if the rebellionhas so far landed the MC in prison and done the same for other rebels who wererelying on the MC. Well then I think it’s alsonatural for the character to doubt whether rebelling was ‘right’.

 So to me this scenariosounds reasonable because it’s not showing the character changing their beliefs because of torture.

 Instead it sounds likethe character had a lot of doubts to begin with and the failure and capture have made them reconsider their beliefs. Itseems likely to me that if the character wasn’ttortured and was well treated in prison they’d arrive at a similar conclusion:that the rebellion was wrong, their family isn’t ‘so bad’ and they made amistake.

 My main suggestion isthat you make that as clear as possible in your writing. Show the MC havingdoubts before they’re captured. Itcan be small things like thinking ‘oh but x family member isn’t really that bad’ or ‘I don’t think myfamily could have really ordered orknown about x atrocity’.

 It could also includelooking over areas the MC has occupied/’saved’ and thinking that the people areworse off. This would be a reasonableand natural consequence of the kind of war you’re describing, transport routesare disrupted, farming is disrupted, normal people are trying to supportarmies. The upshot is less food in local rural areas. The MC could justify thisby telling themselves that this is temporaryand when he gets rid of his family these people will be better off. But thatsort of scenario can be used to show his doubts exist before torture.

 Which means that hiswillingness to ‘talk’ would be there without torture.

 I think you shouldconsider drastically reducing the time your MC is tortured. A week is longenough for symptoms of solitary confinement to start. If the MC isn’t shackled and is left for ‘only’ aweek then I think that plays in more strongly to the MC’s idea that his familyare merciful/not so bad.

 If you’re wedded tokeeping a month’s solitary and the shackles then you’re going to have to dealwith the fact that this will make the character both less willing and less ableto give their family information about the rebels.

 One of the symptoms ofsolitary is severe mood swings and increased aggression. He could haveconvinced himself the rebellion was a mistake but still be in no mood tocooperate with his relatives.

 But the real kicker is that all forms oftorture have a pronounced negativeeffect on memory. Your character is basically not going to remember all therebels’ names after being tortured for a month. The ones he’s known longest he’llprobably remember but the ones he didn’t have a lot of contact with or didn’tlike as much or didn’t know for as many years- He’ll probably have forgotten even if he really wants to tell hisrelatives.

 Even when he remembersnames he may have forgotten physical descriptions and he’s extremely unlikelyto accurately remember addresses.

 He is likely to misremembernames and descriptions. For instance if one of the key rebels is called ‘JohnSmith’ the MC might give his name as ‘Jack Smith’. He might describe ‘JackSmith’ as a tall man with a huge beard when in fact that description matchesanother rebel.

 Your MC would not be aware he’s doing this.

 As a side note I reallydislike the term ‘break’ it’s a specific reference to a form of execution bytorture that was used in Europe (the wheel). I suggest you don’t use it in yourwriting.

 Right so now let’s talka little about the effects of solitaryconfinement and restraint tortures.

 Solitary confinementhas pronounced negative effects on people.The effects are physical as well as psychological, something I try to stressbecause physical symptoms are usually overlooked in fiction.

 The physical symptomsinclude head aches, eye problems, joint pain, lack of energy, feelings ofweakness and insomnia. Head aches seem to be particularly common.

 Psychological symptoms arewide ranging and serious. They include depression, anxiety, self harm,aggression, mood swings, memory problems, difficulty concentrating and learning,hallucinations and sometimes psychotic episodes. Hallucinations and psychotic episodesappear to be a little less common. Depression and suicidal urges are verycommon.

 You can find out moreinformation from this great, free, online source.

 If your character is insolitary confinement for a week he can be expected to make a full recovery, however if he’s confined for longer thenthe psychological symptoms will persist. Probably for years. How long exactlythey last and how well he copes depends on his support network, his access totreatment and his individual symptom profile.

 I advise pickingsymptoms that fit the character and the story since there’s no way to predictwhich victims develop which symptoms.

 Shackling someone inthe long term is a form of restraint torture. I suppose the easiest way todescribe it is a less dangerous form of stress position. It restraint in such away that the victim is kept uncomfortable and a constant state of pain but they have enough mobility to relievesome of the pressure on their muscles. As a result the break down of muscles isless severe and they aren’t at risk of kidney failure.

 The upshot is thatsomeone can be realistically keptthis way for months without dying. They’re incredibly popular in China rightnow and seem to be one of the tortures of choice (which indicates a change inNational Style since Rejali published research).

 The character should beable to move his limbs to the extent that the same muscles aren’t constantly stretched.

 Generally speakingthese tortures can cause circulation problems and nerve problems that canaffect long term mobility.

 With a metal shackleparticularly circulation problems are lesslikely because the cuff itself doesn’t tighten. But the weight of the cuffs andchain and the way they dig into flesh means cuts, scarring and nerve damage areslightly more likely.

 All forms of restrainttorture that keep the hands tied for prolonged periods would cause musclewastage in the arms, which affect the character’s ability to use their arms onrelease.

 In this case from yourdescription I think the character would (after a month) have permanently lost alot of fine mobility in his hands. Anything that requires manual dexterity islikely to be much more difficult. But given time he should recover the strengthin his arms.

 He could still throw amean punch but he might not be able to throw a pot on a wheel.

 I think in terms of theway your character acts you have a reasonable and well thought through scenariobut you need to add in the kind of symptoms and long term effects a charactertortured in this way would experience in order for it to be realistic.

 I hope that helps. :)

Disclaimer

[masiesiu-blog]

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[podcastdx]

S1E1 Kidney Transplant

PodcastDX Kidney Transplant Episode/ Transcript

  Jean Marie [00:00:16] Hello and welcome to podcast DX. This show that brings you interviews with people just like you whose lives were forever changed by a diagnosis.

  Lita [00:00:26] I'm Lita,.

  Ron [00:00:27] I'm Ron.

  Jean Marie [00:00:28] And I'm Jean Marie.

  Lita [00:00:29] Collectively we are the hosts of podcast dx. This podcast is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice diagnosis or treatment. Always ask the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider for any questions you may have regarding a medical condition or treatment. And before undertaking any new health care regimen never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have heard on this podcast. I am here with Darnell and Rodney and  they're  siblings. Whom have both received kidney donations at least once.

  Lita [00:01:13] Hello and thank you for being on our show.

  Danell & Rod [00:01:16] Thank you.

  Rod [00:01:16] Glad you're here.

  Lita [00:01:18]  How long has it been since your transplants Danell years was a long time Right?.

  Danell [00:01:23] Mine was in early April. I will be coming up on 17 years.

  Lita [00:01:29] 17 years.

  Lita [00:01:30] And you only had the one? Ok,

  Danell [00:01:31] And only half one.

  Lita [00:01:32] . OK. And Rodney?

  Rod [00:01:34] My first transplant was in nineteen ninety four.

  Lita [00:01:38] OK.

  Rod [00:01:39] Second one was in 2010. Was that right?

  Danell [00:01:46] Do you remember Lita?

  Lita [00:01:47] No I don't actually. I don't. So 94' was the first one...

  Rod [00:01:53]  No. 2014.

  Lita [00:01:55] OK. All right. So. What, what caused the first one to fail?

  Rod [00:01:59] Well it's Darnell and my brother and I and Dad it's all the same "All Ports".

  Lita [00:02:06] OK.

  Rod [00:02:07] All Ports.

  Lita [00:02:08] That's a.

   [00:02:08] Yes it's an immune problem. Your body attacks your kidney.

  Lita [00:02:13] OK.

  Rod [00:02:13] Like some people  have a problem with that their body attacking their heart.

  Lita [00:02:17] Sure.

  Rod [00:02:17] Our is our kidney.

  Lita [00:02:19] OK so. Is there any new stem cell therapy or anything that can help you, like,  alleviate this so that your kidneys are....

  Rod [00:02:29] Well I wouldn't work on us anyway. You might get to work on somebody whose kidney isn't already shot.

  Lita [00:02:37] OK. OK

  Rod [00:02:38] But there's no bringing ours back.

  Lita [00:02:40] OK.

  Danell [00:02:41] Yeah, But I don't know about the, like the stem cell. I don't know. That's a good question.

  Lita [00:02:47] I'm just.

  Danell [00:02:48] Doing research into that to see, I mean you know they're using it for a lot of things now.

  Lita [00:02:53] Right.

  Rod [00:02:53] Well the stem cell research now I think is mainly trying to grow.

  Lita [00:02:58] New ones?

  Rod [00:02:59] New ones,.

  Danell [00:02:59] Yeah.

  Rod [00:03:00] But you know you can't you can't. Bring a rock back.

  Lita [00:03:03] No. But I'm just concerned that from, you know, like the first one that you got. Failed because your body is still attacked it. Right? The All Ports attacked it?

  Rod [00:03:11] Essentially. Well I'm not so sure it was that so much as just transplanted kidneys don't last forever.

  Lita [00:03:21] OK.

  Danell [00:03:22] I got like a, 10 year,.

  Lita [00:03:24] Warranty?

  Rod [00:03:24] well,.

  Danell [00:03:25] Well for that's the average,.

  Rod [00:03:27] For average. Correct. And mine lasted ten years.

  Lita [00:03:30] OK.

  Danell [00:03:30] Almost to the month.

  Rod [00:03:32] Yeah.

  Lita [00:03:32] And Danell, yours has been 17 years?

  Danell [00:03:35] Yes I've been 17.

  Lita [00:03:37] Where did you get the deluxe model?

  Danell [00:03:38] I think I might have! (laughter)

  Rod [00:03:39] Well I think hers was a better match than mine was mine was. Just a mediocre match hers and my brothers are both have pretty good matches.

  Lita [00:03:48] OK.

  Danell [00:03:48] Yeah they told me that mine was as good of a match as that one my kids had given it to me, so.

  Lita [00:03:53] OK. OK.

  Lita [00:03:54] So yes, so that that's probably important too.

  Danell [00:03:58] Yeah.

  Lita [00:03:59] And the, the last one that you got from me that one also failed.

  Rod [00:04:05] Yeah.

   [00:04:05] So now. You’re back on Dialysis?

  Rod [00:04:07] Yeah, That one didn't last very long at all. I think with all the antibodies that I had from the first one it makes it more difficult to match the second one. And also Barnes did not put me on prednisone the second time around which I think had a lot to do with killing it.

  Lita [00:04:28] Wow.! They didn't.?

  Rod [00:04:30] No, they don't believe in prednisone,.

  Danell [00:04:32] They don’t do it, So my brother, that had his out in Idaho which has just been about five years for him. It's never, never done the prednisone thing.

  Lita [00:04:41] Hmmm, Well I know Gina just had her liver and she was on prednisone for probably 60 days.

  Danell [00:04:49] Really?

  Rod [00:04:49] Well I was on when they put my first one in I was on massive doses of prednisone but eventually got me down.

  Lita [00:04:57] weaned you down.

  Rod [00:04:57] To a maintenance dose. And I had that the whole time I had my first kidney.

  Lita [00:05:03] I don't know if Gina's taking it still or not but I know in the beginning she took.

  Danell [00:05:06] . Yeah.

  Lita [00:05:07] A lot.

  Danell [00:05:07] And they might have with Scott too (Scott is their brother in Idaho). But I know that really we can back from the long term use,

  Rod [00:05:12] When I got the second kidney, of course they didn't put me on prednisone. And after a few months it started dying off. While, while it was deteriorating, I was put on prednisone for a totally nother reason.

  Lita [00:05:31] . OK.

  Rod [00:05:33] And it almost stopped the deterioration of the kidney. But at that point I was about 90 percent shot already.

  Lita [00:05:42] OK.

  Rod [00:05:43] I am convinced. If they had put me on the prednisone initially. Your kidney would have lasted me a lot longer.

  Lita [00:05:50] Okay.

  Rod [00:05:50] Because once I got on the prednisone the deterioration almost stopped.

  Lita [00:05:56] But it was too late.

  Rod [00:05:57] It was too late. Plus,.

  Lita [00:05:59] Did you mention that to them? Like you know...

  Rod [00:06:00] Well after is too late.

  Lita [00:06:01] No. but I mean,.

  Rod [00:06:01] But if I didn't realize what was going on.

  Lita [00:06:04] Yeah. And I'm just thinking for future people you know like maybe they should change their ways.

  Rod [00:06:07] yeah, well, tell them that, they don't want...

  Lita [00:06:10] I know but, I mean, part of, part of education in the medical community I think is feedback from the patients so that they know what works what doesn't work.

  Rod [00:06:20] What ended up happening then I had to have heart surgery.

  Lita [00:06:26] Oh right.

  Rod [00:06:26] And of course they had to have the MRI's with contrast, which is a big no no for.

  Lita [00:06:33] That kills the kidneys.

  Rod [00:06:34] Kidney Patients but at that point they had to do it and that finished the kidney off.

  Lita [00:06:40] Sure. ok,

  Danell [00:06:41] Did you, You had gone back on dialysis but you were still having some benefits of your kidney.

  Rod [00:06:48] Yeah. I was still putting out.

  Danell [00:06:50] We are convinced it was because he had gotten on that prednisone while.

  Rod [00:06:52] I was still putting out a good bit of urine.

  Danell [00:06:57] It lasted what?  Maybe about a year?

  Rod [00:06:58] Maybe yeah.

  Danell [00:06:59] Just before you had to have your heart surgery.

  Rod [00:07:01] Yeah. Finished it off.

  Danell [00:07:03] Yeah. Even though he had lost a lot of the benefit from your kidney it still you know we continue to have some.

  Rod [00:07:09] Oh I was still putting out about eight hundred milliliters a day, which I  wasn't having to watch my fluid anywhere near like I do now.

  Lita [00:07:18] OK,  How often do you go for dialysis now?

  Rod [00:07:22] Three times a week.

  Lita [00:07:24] oh, ok, What. What symptoms made you realize, I know it's a long time ago when you first realize that you had problems but what symptoms were there that made you think I've got a problem with my kidney.

  Rod [00:07:38] None. My, our father had kidney failure.

  Lita [00:07:43] OK.

  Rod [00:07:43] So in the process of they were trying to fight figure out why I had high blood pressure. I found out my kidney was already 25 percent shot 10 years before. They failed.

  Lita [00:08:01] OK.

  Rod [00:08:01] Completely.

  Lita [00:08:01] So most you most many of these symptoms.

  Rod [00:08:03] No. Most people do not realize what's going on until it's too late.

  Lita [00:08:10] Hmm, So you're a little like high blood pressure a hidden thing right.

  Rod [00:08:12] Your body compensates and people don't realize it's going, a lot of people, when they if they find out they have kidney failure when they're in the hospital. Because they get you get flu like symptoms they get feeling just totally run down. That's when they find out. I knew for 10 years ahead of time it was coming.

  Lita [00:08:35] Because of your dad.

  Rod [00:08:36] Because my dad.

  Danell [00:08:37] Right.

  Lita [00:08:37] And when your dad was diagnosed they found out that it was a genetic problem. Correct?

  Rod [00:08:44] No.

  Danell [00:08:45] Actually they didn't find out because dad was. He was just diagnosed with kidney failure.

  Lita [00:08:50] OK.

  Danell [00:08:50] They thought it was all brought on by hardening of the arteries.

  Lita [00:08:53] OK.

  Danell [00:08:53] Then Rodney when they had diagnosed him again just kidney failure. When. When I started showing signs. The doctor we all had the same nephrologists.

  Lita [00:09:04] Right,.

  Danell [00:09:04] You know he's like... hmmmm?

  Lita [00:09:05] yeah yeah.

  Danell [00:09:07] So actually I went and got the biopsy that diagnosis with the All Ports.

  Lita [00:09:12] OK. And what is all ports Exactly?

  Danell [00:09:14] It's a slow. It's an auto immune but it's just basically a slow deterioration of the glomeruli of the kidney, which is just basically the body.

  Lita [00:09:22] The filter.

  Danell [00:09:23] Yeah.

  Lita [00:09:23] OK.

  Danell [00:09:24] Yeah it's a filtering system of the kidney, and there's you know.

  Lita [00:09:27] They haven't come up with a cure for that.

  Danell [00:09:30] That's one of the things that happens.

  Lita [00:09:32] and all of your, You have one brother?

  Danell [00:09:36] Mhmm.

  Lita [00:09:36] Besides Rodney? and he has it as well.

  Danell [00:09:38] Right, He has. Yes.

  Lita [00:09:39] And he's had a transplant.

  Rod [00:09:40] He's had a transplant.

  Danell [00:09:42] He had a living donor transplant.

  Rod [00:09:44] He was eleven years younger than me. So. Plus I, it progressed fairly rapidly. For me I went,. I went on dialysis when I was fortytwo. They made it closer to 50.

  Lita [00:09:58] OK.

  Rod [00:09:59] Our father was 50.

  Danell [00:10:01] Yeah.

  Lita [00:10:05] So umm, just to let the listening audience know, umm, possible symptoms are decreased urine output. Fluid retention swelling in your legs ankles and feet drowsiness shortness of breath fatigue confusion nausea and in severe cases seizures or coma and chest pressure that's probably from the fluid.

  Rod [00:10:31] Well like I said, most..

  Lita [00:10:33] You didn't have, you just felt flu ish.

  Rod [00:10:35] Most people do not realize that's going on until the last minute.

  Lita [00:10:41] OK.ok,.

  Rod [00:10:41] They. They get flu like symptoms. They feel like crap and they go into hospital and they. Well your kidneys have quit.

  Lita [00:10:49] So then what relief do they have? At that point.

  Rod [00:10:52] Emergency dialysis.

  Lita [00:10:54] OK. So once you have the dialysis does that take care of the symptoms.

  Rod [00:11:01] Largely.

  Danell [00:11:03] Which is really kind of what happened with my dad. He just you know. Started getting very ill. I don't remember what symptoms he had. But then at that point they just have. I don't know. you know, They. Checked. His kidney functioning was all and decrease the numbers. Lab numbers were elevated. We actually took him down to. Houston to a hospital down in Houston and that's where they figured out what was going on and basically he was just in kidney failure. So they did emergency dialysis they put a graft in his arm but they can't you can't use that for a while. It has to...

  Rod [00:11:46] Emergency dialysis. They put a port in your central vein in your chest and they use that, that's meant to be temporary. They don't like to use them long term. Because too much risk of infection.

  Lita [00:12:01] Sure sure. Anything close to the heart is. That what. Well you got your heart eventually?

  Rod [00:12:05] No. No. I just. Just another {unable to transcribe}.

  Lita [00:12:12] That will be a podcast in the future.(laughter) OK. One thing that we like to discuss with the patients that we're we're interviewing is caregiving in the home. After the procedure and equipment that might have helped you to recover after the procedure. Now as a kidney donor I know that you know, there were some things that assisted me on my recovery but and on the receiving end what. What did you guys do to to help you get over the hump when you got home from the hospital?

  Rod [00:12:50] I initially started doing peritoneal dialysis that as most people think of hemodialysis where they directly clean the blood peritoneal, they put a port in my abdomen, you put fluid in your abdomen, it dwells, it draws the poison, the chemicals off and you change the flood periodically. I did that for years.

  Lita [00:13:24] oh, Now, Is that when you say the fluid goes in is it into a vein or is it just a cavity?

  Rod [00:13:30] It goes into the abdominal cavity and it by osmosis it draws the stuff off. OK. The toxins and the fluid off in your body.

  Lita [00:13:41] OK.

  Rod [00:13:41] I did that all together eight years.

  Lita [00:13:45] OK. And is that the one that you do at home?

  Rod [00:13:48] That's what I do at home. Yeah.

  Lita [00:13:49] So you. From what I remember you hooked yourself up to a machine at night and you just let it run.

  Rod [00:13:56] Yes initially the first year and a half for my first transplant I did it manually and hung a bag of dialysate, it ran it into my abdomen, put it in leave it in here about three or four hours drain that bag out. Put another bag again. I do that three or four times a day.

  Lita [00:14:18] And this is something that you could handle yourself. They trained you and you didn't have any problem doing this at home.

  Rod [00:14:23] Right.

  Lita [00:14:24] Because it sounds very.

  Danell [00:14:27] It was,.

  Lita [00:14:28] Technical. Yeah it sounds scary, It sounds...

  Rod [00:14:31] I after the I lost the first transplanted kidney, I end up doing what is called a cycler, where the machine does that for you. But I was on I had to be on that nearly 11 hours every night and course you can't go anywhere until it is done.

  Lita [00:14:54] OK.

  Rod [00:14:54] Well after six years of that my second transplant, lost the second transplant, I started doing it.

  Lita [00:15:03] Sure.

  Rod [00:15:03] I never slept well. Now it works better for other people. It didn't, I was tired doing it, all the work that goes with it. All the supplies. It's a constant job. This with hemodialysis I can go to Matt.(?). Go to the dialysis unit three times a week. They run me for three and a half hours. I'm done, done for two days. You don't have to mess with it anymore.

  Lita [00:15:31] So it's like an oil change.{laughter}.

  Rod [00:15:33] Pretty much yes pretty much.

  Danell [00:15:36] But as far as like after the surgery I actually I did very well. I mean I was only forty seven. I was I was active,. {lost audio}

  Rod [00:15:48] Are you ready?.

  Lita [00:15:48] Yeah go right ahead.

  Rod [00:15:50] When you get your transplant it's like you have an immense amount of energy for a good year. After my first transplant I was just Energizer bunny. I was working two jobs, taking care of my kids, and sleep in about five hours a night. God, I had just an immense amount of energy. That's, you start to come back to normal after a while but your body has become so used to having no energy.

  Lita [00:16:24] OK.

  Rod [00:16:24] Once this happens you just feel great.

  Lita [00:16:31] ok.

  Rod [00:16:31] you feel, really great.

  Danell [00:16:35] I know talking about symptoms before,  It just all comes along so gradually that you don't realize you're feeling bad.

  Rod [00:16:45] Yeah.

  Danell [00:16:46] And then that you're tired.

  Lita [00:16:50] It's draining.

  Rod [00:16:51] Well that's it, after your, after your transplant and you feel so great. Then you realize how terrible you were.

  Lita [00:16:58] You were before,.

  Danell [00:16:59] Right.

  Rod [00:16:59] Right.

  Danell [00:16:59] And I also noticed things like my hair thickening back up after the transplant my nails getting hard after the transplant. Things that had started deteriorating maybe just over such a long period of time you just didn't notice it. Yeah. Afterwards you know after his first one, and then with mine, as far as recovery at home and action was very easy. I went back to work after five weeks and I'm a surgical nurse. So you know really very active and intense. You know. But we were both healthy. You know going into wealthy going into young and we had so many dialysis patients are on dialysis because they are diabetic.

  Lita [00:17:42] OK.

  Rod [00:17:43] And so they're fighting they're fighting that complication also. We didn't have that.

  Lita [00:17:48] OK. So if someone had diabetes on top of the kidney failure.

  Rod [00:17:53] oh yeah,.

  Lita [00:17:53] They've got just another hurdle. That they've got to jump over

  Danell [00:17:56] Right, right.

  Lita [00:17:56] In order to heal.

  Danell [00:17:58] Yes. Much more difficult in the healing process,

  Rod [00:17:59] About actually .

  Rod [00:18:01] About 30 percent of dialysis patients are there because they are diabetic.

  Lita [00:18:06] OK. OK.

  Rod [00:18:08] I worked for 10 years as a fireman on one kidney. Did great.

  Lita [00:18:14] OK well one kidney working well I can tell you does, OK.

  Rod [00:18:19]  Oh yeah yeah.

  Lita [00:18:22] I've got no complaints

  Danell [00:18:25] We're not the only ones getting by with one kidney

  Rod [00:18:26] Unless you think you want to be a marathoner I don't think you would notice the difference.

  Lita [00:18:30] Yeah I would never do that,.

  Rod [00:18:31] It would just be a slower recovery.

  Lita [00:18:35] OK.

  Rod [00:18:36] Cause You'd wear yourself out. But like I said as a fireman I didn't notice it.

  Lita [00:18:42] OK. Are you worried Danell, that you might be up for another one soon?.

  Danell [00:18:46] You know I was around 10 years because basically Rodney like I said lost year at 10 years almost to the month. But you know it's 17 now. My last doctor's visit down was down at Barnes, and I've just been doing so well they're like you know which I had been going there just once a year for several years. And they're like that come back for two years now I still get I get my blood drawn every other month and it all gets into Barnes. So they you know they're watching that closely but you know they're like to come back for two years you're doing great. Because I have not once had any concerns about rejection that they're like you know you can put this on.

  Rod [00:19:32] Well and the better the better your match the fewer drugs you have to take.

  Lita [00:19:37] OK. OK.

  Danell [00:19:38] And mine also was I had a cadaver donor and she was a same age I was.

  Lita [00:19:48] OK.

  Danell [00:19:48] So you know basically I've got you know it's not like I { un-able to transcribe}.

  Lita [00:19:53] Yes it grows with you, right. OK. I wanted to discuss a little bit about the the different regions that you can apply for when you're getting a, an Organ, and I know that Rodney your daughter posted an ad on Matching Donors dot com for the second one in order to actually expand your reach when you were looking for a donor.

  Rod [00:20:22] Well it is when you get on the list you're waiting for them to find you a donor Matching Donors dot com, dot com as a way for you to find your own donor.

  Lita [00:20:35] You're like advertising.

  Rod [00:20:36] Essentially. Yeah.

  Danell & Rod [00:20:37]  Right. right

  Danell [00:20:39] Yeah. We put a, you know, told all about Rod you know his his life as a fireman.

  Lita [00:20:47] Yeah actually I remember. I mean you know my memory is pretty crap,  {laughter} but I actually still remember how strongly the emotions hit me when I read your ad.

  Danell [00:21:01] Awwe

  Lita [00:21:02] That I said "why wouldn't somebody have given this guy one already, for crying out loud. Get him on the phone."

  Rod [00:21:10] Well of course we never put this forth before you when you're on the list. You're waiting for someone to die.

  Lita [00:21:18] Right.

  Rod [00:21:19] It's not a question of. I'll give you mine.

  Lita [00:21:23] Right. But the matching donors allows living.

  Danell [00:21:27] Right.

  Lita [00:21:28] Donors to donate a part of a liver or a whole kidney.

  Rod [00:21:32] And of course my daughter was fantastic. She did all of that. I did nothing. She talked to different various people about me. At least two of them hinted around about being compensated which technically is illegal in this country.

  Lita [00:21:51] Right. Right.

  Rod [00:21:52] So she told them "Forget it". But she found you, or you found me.

  Lita [00:21:58] Yeah. I found the ad and I was,  and it was, it was convenient that you were in Illinois. There wasn't a lot of transportation involved. You know I can imagine that some people that are are looking nationwide it might be a little bit more difficult.

  Rod [00:22:15] Sure,.

  Lita [00:22:15] If you have to commute or whatever. But ours was perfect. How long were you on dialysis the first time before you got to the.

  Rod [00:22:25] Before the first transplant I was on dialysis for a year and a half. They found me a cadaver. OK after the first transplant failed I was on dialysis for six years before I got together with you. That one only lasted 10 months. Right now I've been on dialysis about another six years.

  Lita [00:22:50] OK. And Danielle how long were you on dialysis before I act.

  Danell [00:22:54] Oh I never had to go on for hours. Oh OK. Was that on the transplant list because now they will put you on it before you get on dialysis. Back when Rodney first started you had to actually be on dialysis before they would put you on. Yes. OK. I I think they figured out hey if we can get him going before the dialysis so I put on a list and told that I would have to be on dialysis within a year and actually it was four months.

  Rod [00:23:24] She was getting at the point she was getting pretty rundown.

  Lita [00:23:28] So it was it was like getting close to where you would.

  Rod [00:23:30] Yeah. It was real close.

  Danell [00:23:32] There four months is just really even the doctors were like "you were on that list. how long?". Like four months.

  Lita [00:23:38] Right.

  Danell [00:23:38] I had a rare blood type and I think well some real rare but I was Rh negative. So I think that could have gone either way. Sure it could have kept me on the list longer or.

  Lita [00:23:50] If nobody else can take it right.

  Danell [00:23:52] . Give me that one kidney that no one else could take. So yes I was blessed in that it was only four months.

  Lita [00:24:00] Have there been any dietary changes to either of you since the transplants have you had to do anything,.

  Rod [00:24:06] Well once you've had a transplant. No. If you're on dialysis it's extreme.

  Lita [00:24:14] As far as sodium right?

  Rod [00:24:15] Sodium. The main thing is phosphorous and potassium.

  Lita [00:24:20] OK.

  Rod [00:24:21] Dialysis does not rate remove phosphorus and it doesn't do a very good job removing potassium.

  Lita [00:24:29] OK. Are those good or bad?

  Rod [00:24:32] Well they're.... You know.

  Danell [00:24:33] They're bad, if they {un-able to translate}.

  Lita [00:24:34] Oh OK. So the levels to be high. Right. And your kidney normally takes care of those.

  Rod [00:24:39] Correct.

  Lita [00:24:39] OK I see.

  Rod [00:24:40] The phosphorus level if you've got an excess of phosphorus it settles in your feet and I have neuropathy in my feet because that has destroyed the peripheral nerve endings in my feet. So it's more difficult for me to walk potassium that gets out of whack. It messes up your heart. That can be real serious.

  Lita [00:25:08] Sure. But they keep an eye on it.

  Rod [00:25:10] And then they keep an eye on it.

  Lita [00:25:11] And medication to adjust levels or the.

  Rod [00:25:14] . Well that's why take massive amounts of phosphorus binders when I eat the potassium the dialysis will remove it. To some extent but I've got to stay away from my potassium fluids.

  Lita [00:25:29] Sounds like you guys have to turn into nutritionists in order to stay healthy as I.

  Danell [00:25:36] Basically eat just like you can. We each have one kidney one good working kidney. So I mean you know you have to be intelligent about it it's just as much as you would in it you know hey what do you want in your body. But yeah. That's the great thing.

  Lita [00:25:51] Well that's good.

  Rod [00:25:52]  Like I can eat whatever I want.

  Rod [00:25:54] Oh yeah I know when I had my first transplant I I would not. You do not know you're working on one kidney.

  Lita [00:26:05] You mean you don't feel that.

  Rod [00:26:07] I don't feel. And you're really no dietary limitations because of it.

  Lita [00:26:13] Because the kidney's working well.

  Rod [00:26:14] Right.

  Lita [00:26:16] Are there any support groups or organizations that have been of assistance for either of you?

  Rod [00:26:22] No,.

  Danell [00:26:23] That we kind of chose not to. I mean basically that guy right there was our support group.

  Rod [00:26:28] That's true.

  Lita [00:26:29] Well  luckily you had each other and you kind of get experience. Also with your dad going through it up before.

  Danell [00:26:34] We've been through a lot,.

  Lita [00:26:35] And you being a nurse I'm sure that helped.

  Danell [00:26:36] Yeah. Yeah. There are you know support groups out there. OK. And the hospital would recommend them. Right. I'm sure Barnes and even at one point asked if I would consider you know kind of being a mentor. But that's a you know from central Illinois it's like a two and a half hour drive. So it really wasn't feasible for me to do it.

  Lita [00:26:57] Sure.

  Danell [00:26:57] but. Yes.

  Lita [00:26:59] And how about through dialysis facility do you notice that anybody there that might need you know like encouragement or advice or

  Rod [00:27:10] I don’t know,.

  Lita [00:27:10] Not really advice but support as they're going.

  Rod [00:27:12] Oh there probably is I'd like to Danell said, they they have people that you can do that with. I'm not a joiner. {laughter}.

  Lita [00:27:19] Okay.

  Rod [00:27:19] Leave me alone. {laughter}

  Lita [00:27:20] Okay.  How about medical equipment supplies or other tools that you've found particularly helpful when dealing with kidney disease.

  Rod [00:27:33] No, other than, Like I said the peritoneal dialysis was a big burden. But I like I. That's why I like prefer the hemodialysis now because I can go to the unit get it done leave it. All I have to do is watch my diet.

  Lita [00:27:56] OK.

  Rod [00:27:56] And my fluids.

  Danell [00:27:57] We're after this second one and that kind of started going downhill. And we're different things that you know at one point he had to use a walker and he got to the cane.

  Rod [00:28:09] Well that was. I greatly blame the nephrologist I had at the time I kept asking him why is this happening. And he had no answer or he wouldn't give me one.

  Danell [00:28:24] And you're talking about your being so bad.

  Rod [00:28:26] Yeah. I was almost to the point of being in a wheelchair.

  Lita [00:28:29] OK.

  Rod [00:28:30] And when Darnell helped me we get got a neurologist. Twenty seconds he told me what was going on.

  Lita [00:28:40] OK.

  Rod [00:28:40] So I adjusted my diet and they got considerably better. Oh all right. But I am. I still have a problem walking.

  Lita [00:28:49] OK.

  Danell [00:28:51] We have a.. He has a shower chair/ stool now that helps him a lot in the shower, because his legs are still weak to a point.

  Lita [00:29:01] Wobbly?

  Danell [00:29:01] I think I think I {un-able to translate} at one point I brought it back so that I could have it.

  Lita [00:29:07] OK.

  Danell [00:29:07] . You know just because of you know after this surgery you're just you know you're tired. You have major surgery.

  Lita [00:29:13] Sure sure.  I, I know that they also make like almost like support bars that go in the toilet area that can help you get up and down do you need anything like that?.

  Rod [00:29:25] Of course I do. I do not. I don't sit in the tub, it's too hard for me to get up.

  Lita [00:29:29] OK. You just shower?.

  Rod [00:29:30] Stand. So although I do sit on that stool she is talking about in the shower but I don't get down in the tub.

  Lita [00:29:38] How about a handheld shower that you can be removed from.

  Rod [00:29:41] No.

  Lita [00:29:41] Have you ever tried one of those that you attach afterwards?

  Danell [00:29:44] I actually have one.

  Lita [00:29:45] . Do you. .

  Danell [00:29:46] You know there again it's like, I'm not, you know incapacitated in any way but yeah I'll let you know as being a nurse and having worked in nursing homes for you know back years ago. Yeah. Things like that are awesome.

  Lita [00:30:02] OK great. Great. Well I want to thank you both for all of that information. You probably wouldn't realize how much it means to people to hear the stories of people that have already gone through it. So let's say someone just gets diagnosed and they don't know what to expect. "God I had a kidney disease. What on earth am I up to next". And this way they can hear the podcast they can hear your stories and they can have a little bit of sense of relief say well these two they've gotten through it pretty well and I can certainly get through it and they gave me a couple of Hints and advice and I know what to look for. And it really is helpful so I really want to thank you and I appreciate you taking the time to do this with us today.

  Rod [00:30:51] You're welcome.

  Rod [00:30:51] We appreciate everything that you've done.

  Lita [00:30:54] Oh well it's been an honor.

  Rod [00:30:56] Well I've I felt bad that I lost your kidney as much for you as for me. You did. You made that sacrifice and I wasn't able to keep it.

  Lita [00:31:06] what? It was not your fault.

  Rod [00:31:08] Well this is true but I still felt bad about it.

  Lita [00:31:10] Don't worry about it. It's okay. I am going to cut this off now.

  Lita [00:31:15] If you have any questions or comments related to today's show you can contact us at podcast D X at Yahoo dot com through our Web site where you can link to our Facebook page and also see more information as we build our site. Please go to podcast D X dot com.

  Ron [00:31:36] And for our listeners you have a moment please give us a five star review on item podcast.

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