#since I'm not paying for a car i should be able to start saving up

[moon-and-stars-selfship]

At this rate, I think it'd just be faster (and cheaper) to buy a used car from Craigslist

[prettycottagequeer]

ok maybe I'm a little late to this BUT I'm gonna do a to-do list motivation thingy because I've had the worst two weeks since I started college :)

SO these I should start on asap:

50 I make the snack I really want but I haven't had the motivation to make

100 I clean my dorm. another thing I've been meaning to do for a week

150 I do the presentation about mid-victorian fashion I've been putting off (due Monday)

200 I start memorizing the monologue that was due a week ago (now due Tuesday)

these can wait longer:

300 I spend time outside. It's so nice but I'm getting stuck scrolling because I feel like shit. vicious cycle ect

500 I start setting a better weekend routine (aka getting up before noon)

1k I start working out again. I was doing a routine to get more masc and build muscle and I liked it but life hit me like Crowley driving the Bentley and I've missed like 3 weeks

2k I buy my first binder. I've been coping with sports bras for almost a year now and I haven't been able to justify spending $50+ on a binder even though I know I'd love it and use it everyday.

Do I tag people? I don't know but I'm going to. @the-globe-theatre-maggot @weirdly-specific-but-ok @howmanyholesinswisscheese

here's just some context if you want to read, feel free to skip. some of this I've talked about in the maggot server, some I haven't, but I really just need a place for this to go that's out of my head. tw homophobia, transphobia, car crash(??)

How I Have Been Run Over By The Bentley Going 90 In Central London What Feels Like 50 Times In The Last Two Weeks

I'm going to college about 4 hours away from my parents, and it's been really nice. They.. suck, to say the least. transphobic/homophobic ect, super traditional conservative catholic, racist, all of it. so i tried to move somewhere where I wouldn't have to think about them and I could be myself and do what I can to be happy. March 1st was the start of my spring break, which meant going home because the dorms close. I was already not excited, but I was prepared. the problem with being away from home is I forget just how bad they are. My optimism gets the better of me and I think maybe this time they'll be better. so I decided to not hide my septum piercing.

that was a mistake. it starts a whole fight where they say we know you're trans, you're actually a girl and you always will be, we have the bones argument, they think I'm being influenced by demons or something (if only they knew about crowley) because I want to change my name, and they tell me that going on t will completely ruin my body and give me cancer and other things. They're also mad about my dyed hair, septum, and general style, and say I'm setting a terrible example for my (5) younger siblings and make it a point to tell me just how much of a disappointment I am. I think I'm pretty cute and fun but y'know, whatever. very fun time. I lie so much, don't give them any more details about my identity, and say I'm not planning to go on t to save my ass. which is all on instinct which makes me feel worse because if I'm really trans I should be able to stand up for that, right? maybe I'm faking the dysphoria.

the next morning I wake up really sick, and spend the rest of the week sick and feeling like shit because I'm home and back in the same place and situation I was a year ago that I thought I escaped. at one point I pretty much lose my voice but also kind of get gender euphoria from it. it's weird.

On Friday it's time for me to drive back 4 hours to school, and I make it about 3/4 of the way when google maps takes me on a random gravel road and I crash my car, really crash my car, like sideways-in-a-ditch-windows-broken-crawling-up-out-the-door crash it in the middle of nowhere. (I was fully paying attention to the road, it was raining and super slick) I call my parents because I have no one else to call and I sit in a Subway for 3 hours while they drive to get my car. when they get there they're (understandably) really mad, and they tell me that I'm not mature enough to be going to school so far away and I need to get my shit together and stop depending on them. which. is probably true. but made me feel even more stupid about the fact that I crashed my car. I get back to school and I'm still Very Sick with no energy or motivation to do anything. So I've spent the last week trying to get better and honestly to do anything. it hasn't really worked. I'm a lot better health-wise (Not emotionally), still sick but I have a lot of work due, so I really need a push to get started

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for yelling at my husband for spending "my" money for a part?

My husband stalks the actual AITA reddit so I am using my friend's account here as she has shown me these.

I (25m) have a husband, Liam (25m), and we have a daughter (just turned 2). When I first married Liam, I truly loved him, but I'm not sure now. We have ups and downs and I suffered from postpartum depression and I know Liam has said i was a handful then.

We are almost at five years of marriage. When we got married I had a job, which I left when me and Liam moved for his promotion across the country. Liam encouraged me to stay home and watch our dogs, which then translated to watching our daughter after we had her. I have tried to get a job multiple times, for example I had an interview and missed it because our car wouldn't start (Liam worked on it when he got home thst night and fixed it, but they wouldn't let me interview again). One time we all came down with covid. Just normal life things that occur.

Liam has discouraged me from getting a job, saying he makes enough to support us and wants me to be with our daughter. I do love being with her, but I feel unfulfilled and want to work. I tried to sell stuff online, but we decided it was too expensive to continue. Liam finally agreed for me to get a job, I got an interview and they offered me the job, but I just found out I am pregnant. The job is very labor intensive and my first pregnancy was not easy, Liam doesn't want me to accept and I am inclined not to, but I want to earn my own money.

Well, our heater unexpectedly went out and we had to pay for the part to fix it. Except, instead of using the joint account he used my account. Liam told me that it is his money and he can spend it how he pleases. I yelled at him that I would have money if I was able to get a job, and he told me I was being too hormonal because of the baby and needed to look at things logically. I told him to fuck off. I said some other things in anger, and I'll be honest i don't remember exactly what I said but i didnt think it was that bad, but Liam won't tell me. He says it was absolutely terrible and i must not love him to say what I did and that my brain fog is just me blaming the pregnancy. He has since slept in the guest room while I sleep in our room. I apologized for yelling but told him I still wanted a job, he says that isnt a real apology. AITA?

My friend says to add this here for context:

We have three accounts, they all are joint accounts. The first is a checking which is what we take our rent, bills, etc out of and what the part should have come out of. Then we have the first saving account which is his account. Then there is the second checking account which is considered mine. He puts money in it weekly for me to spend on groceries and our daughter. Anything extra I don't spend I get to keep.

What are these acronyms?

[helly-watermelonsmellinfellon]

Housed For Now!

[New]

AS OF DECEMBER 20TH, 2023, WE HAVE BEEN INFORMED THAT OUR NEW LANDLADY WANTS US OUT WHEN OUR LEASE ENDS IN FENBRUARY. EDIT Dec 27th 2023: We just learned that she's adding an electric garage door to the garage. Her ex-husband is working on it with an electrician friend of his and I overheard them. She doesn't intend to move in, she wants to add the small ass garage onto the lease and thinks it's worth adding another $1K+ dollars to the rent.

[Old]

Dave just doesn't get how finances work. Because he's so unhelpful and doesn't fucking listen when people speak, he's whining about how after getting paid, mom has nothing left for the month. "But we don't have to spend $230 on the storage unit anymore!" "That went into other bills, Dave!" He thinks that cuz we don't have that one issue holding us down, we're going to be able to handle everything else easily and have money left over for whatever he wants to waste it on. Because mom has had to pay one bill and let another slide as a result every month. It's how she's had to handle our financial problems this entire time. And people all over have to do things like this, it isn't a new tactic.

Mom finally paid off the bank after Dave bounced her account several times last year. She's been paying $100+ a month for ages to get that handled. That should make things a little easier now.

The car insurance has increased by several dozen dollars so it's over $150 a month now. (EDIT: Dec, 2023: It was increased again.)

Her phone and Bethy's phone have to be kept on because of her schooling and we need a functioning phone number or else we'll be in big trouble in many ways. $100+ just for 2 phones. Dave is in charge of his own damn phone.

She has to handle her Discover and Capital One cards since she's had to use them to save our asses a few times. She NEEDS to pay them off so her credit score doesn't tank, and many places won't give you a chance if your credit is low. She's got monthly payments for those around $100+ in total.

The P.O. Box price has increased. Almost $50 now. (EDIT: Dec, 2023: We had canceled it since we finally got a place to live, and now we'll need to get a new one. I'm so tired.)

Dish Network has been on pause or almost 2 years cuz she can't cancel it before the full year she paid is used up or the fee is astronomical. They keep suspiciously unpausing it and trying to lob thousands in fees at us. (EDIT: Aug, 2023: Mom finally got it taken care of by going to the Better Business Bureau with dozens of emails of proof for her case and they came down hard on Dish Network. So we're fine on that front now.)

Then we have gas for a minivan, that Dave should be paying for, but isn't. A mostly full tank is around $80 every 4-5 days. Gas is average rn. So over $400 monthly in gas. (EDIT Dec, 2023: $20 gets 4 1/2 Gallons right now. It is hell.)

We need the part for the van which is $800+. The van is just so old that finding parts for something considered an antique now is damn near impossible, and not having the money up front makes it worse. (EDIT: Dec, 2023: The van is dead and despite how the alternator was replaced and the battery and starter are fine, there's no vehicle.)

She has to pay for her medication cuz we have shit medical. She's already going without many of them but some health problems, like Asthma, can't be ignored so the inhalers are prioritized. (EDIT Aug, 2023: Our medical changed out of nowhere at the beginning of the year and all of our doctors no longer take it. No doctors take it, in fact, so our attempts to get better help have to start all over again.)

Bethy needs school supplies regularly.

But Dave just thinks that she should have all this extra money left over at the end of paying everything off. Many of these things come out instantly on the 1st of each month btw. She has to then work through what is left for the bills that aren't instantly paid off. He thinks if he works with his friend for 3 weeks, he'll have enough money for an apartment, completely ignoring that he'd only have about $1800 for a full month of work with no breaks. The cheapest 2-bedroom in Delaware requires almost all of that, which is why we're waiting on housing which charges based on your monthly income. Even if he handled the monthly rent of $1400-$1700 for a 2-bedroom, mom still has all this stuff to worry about... and then gas, water, electric, sewage, etc... Dave doesn't listen. In public housing, those things are included. Outside it, they are separate expenses.

Other Posts About Life:

[1] [2][3] [4] [5]

~.O.~

[Ko-Fi] Commissions are open!

[GoFundMe] We need a new van.

[Venmo]

[CashApp: $Flame818]

[Amazon Food List] https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/21X3S24SCBWI1/ref=nav_wishlist_lists_1

[Wish List] https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/1ANXFMDFK0NUO/ref=nav_wishlist_lists_2

[Meal Train] We need groceries.

[Patreon]

[NEW: 25th Dec 2024]

Our van is dying and can't be relied upon anymore. We're in desperate need of newer transportation or we're in big trouble. Bethy has broken down twice in the middle of the night with the van and it's beyond inspection requirements at this point. It can't be saved.

[kasagia]

Our little game pt. 5

Pairing: Klaus Mikaelson x witch! reader Summary: Klaus is making a major, huge mistake of his life, for which you are paying the price. Will you be able to forgive him? Or maybe it's too late for everything. Warning(s): angst, talk about death, Klaus fights and suffers because of Mikael, family drama, blood, violence, curses, I used some famous lines from TVD and TO Word count: 6,9k

Third person's POV | 2 hours earlier

The original hybrid left the party in a hurry, loosening his tie as he practically ran towards the parking lot. His younger brother was right behind him, barely catching up with him.

"Nik! Wait a minute!" Kol screamed, grabbing his brother's elbow and stopping him halfway. He completely ignored his hostile, stern look and continued. "We need to think it over."

"All we need to do is get rid of him from our lives once and for all!"

"We can't do it alone. We need Freya…"

"Freya will never stand against him! We're on our own unless you're a coward." the man cut him off, yanking his arm out of his grip.

"Well, let's at least take Elijah…"

"I'm not going to ruin our brother's wedding day! I already killed him once; I can do it again. We have to hurry before he calls for backup. Will you help me, or should I rely on myself?" Kol sighed as he studied his brother's determined face. If they had attacked out of the blue, they might have been able to defeat him together while he was still weakened.

"All right. But we're keeping Davina out of it."

"As well as Y/N." they nodded to each other and walked hand in hand towards the parking lot.

Klaus had to do it quietly. His little witch needed a break, and a fight with the Mikaelsons' psychopathic father wouldn't help her at all (or convince the woman to stay in New Orleans much longer than she planned). Elijah deserved a respite from his problems, and so did Rebekah. Nor could he rely on Freya's strength and power forever. After all, she wasn't immortal like them; she had her limits like any witch. Kol and he had to deal with it on their own. For everyone's sake.

"Do you even know how he managed to get back to the surface of the earth? I thought you killed him for good last time."

"Believe me, I'm just as surprised as you are."

"You think it's the mother's work? She has regained her powers and is resurrecting all our enemies from the other side?"

"You tell me. You spent a few months there before we finally begged your witch to help us bring you back. What were our parents' moods?"

"You know, I tried not to get too close to them. But I met your father; he's actually a nice guy."

"What did you say?" he asked in shock, staring at his brother in pure surprise.

"Yeah, I was surprised too when he saved me from Mikael and introduced himself as your dad. We had a bit of a fight at first, but he turned out to be a good guy."

"You met… my father."

"Maybe it's not a good time, but I think you should know that. If he somehow magically appears here, and I'm pretty sure he'll do it; he's said many times that he'll get the fuck out of here as soon as he gets a chance, you shouldn't hurt him. Hope deserves at least one normal grandpa. Ansel would be a good fit for this; he was babbling about her all the time, and my head was bursting as he raved about her. You know I love her, but how much can you talk about a baby? Hey? Nik?" he shook his brother's shoulder as he sat silently in the driver's seat, not bothering to start the car.

"How did he know about Hope?"

"He's been keeping an eye on you since… you know. He probably knows everything about you, which is actually as scary as it is cute."

Klaus continued to listen to Kol's story in silence. As he drove the car, he pondered the new message. His father watched over him.

His real father.

The one who supposedly abandoned him and didn't care for him...

Could that be true?

Could he believe it?

Allowing himself to live a boyish fantasy of having a father who truly cares for him? He could believe that Esther would be able to lie to him about his real father's feelings toward him, and it was hardly possible that Kol could be so cruel. So, could Klaus have been so lucky after all?

Could he have had the love of his true father, the beloved daughter who was the light in his dark life, and the love and devotion of a woman he wanted more than anything in this world?

Could Klaus, after so many years of pain, sorrow, and fury, be given such enormous blessings?

He found out a few hours later.

He found out a few hours later, when he and Kol were returning as fast as they could to their family after Mikael nearly killed them two. However, it wasn't just the two of them in the car on their way back...

~•♤♤♤•~

"Father! Come, come wherever you are!"

It was supposed to go fast and smoothly. Klaus was supposed to act as bait (after arguing with Kol for several hours, they played paper, rock, scissors, and he lost… 10 times), and Kol was meant to heroically step in with a white oak stake and try to kill their father.

Piece of cake. Nothing possible could go wrong.

But it did. Very, very quickly.

They underestimated Mikael's ability to win people over. While Klaus was able to single-handedly take down his father's band of minions and come out of the fight uninjured, the fight against Mikael proved to be more of a challenge. Especially since he had a bit of an advantage over them...

"You're alone, boy? Did your siblings finally abandon you?"

"Don't worry about them. I don't need anyone else to help me send you back to hell."

"Very courage from your side to assume you can kill me all alone. Or stupid. I think the second one suits you much better. You didn't change at all, Niklaus. Thousand years, and you're still a quick-tempered, impulsive boy seeking the approval of others. I guess you've never learned from your mistakes. But it's even better for me. It'll be so easy to finally end your miserable life."

"Thousand years of trying, and you were never close enough. What makes you sure this time will be different?"

"This time, I know your weakness." Klaus' heart stopped for a moment in fear. He couldn't talk about Hope. His daughter was safe with Hayley, the pack, surrounded by Freya and Y/N with all sorts of protective spells.

"I don't have any."

"Don't you?" he looked at him carefully with a sinister smirk on his lips. "Then let me remind you. The blonde one, powerful witch you've met not so long ago. Y/N, right? Her blood must taste ambrosial with such magic running through her veins. She would make such a beautiful corpse, don't you think? "Klaus' composure dropped to zero, and his and Kol's plan went to hell. No one will threaten his witch, especially Mikael.

Without thinking, he lunged at the man, trying to punch him in the face. Mikael braced for his outburst, grabbed his fist, and twisted his arm. Klaus shouted, twisting his hand out of his grip, and pushing him to the boxes behind him. Mikael staggered, trying to regain his balance. The hybrid took advantage of this by throwing a metal rod at him and speeding towards him with the intention of snapping his neck. The older man grabbed the object flying towards him, pierced Klaus' side, and pushed, sending him crashing to the floor.

Klaus pulled the metal out of his body, but the wound on his side wouldn't heal. Suddenly he felt as if his whole body was on fire; every nerve in his body shot through with unimaginable pain. He felt as if his mother had put a curse on him, cutting him off from his werewolf side.

Suddenly, a circle of fire formed around him, and none other than the mother of the originals emerged from the shadows, muttering a familiar spell that began the 1,000-year search for the doppelgänger and the moonstone. Panic rose in him, along with the pain he felt.

NO! He couldn't go through it again!

"Who'll fight for you now, boy?!" Mikael shouted, walking slowly over to him and pulling a white oak stake from his coat pocket, patiently waiting for his wife to finish her spell and get rid of her unwanted son from their lives once and for all.

"I will." Kol stepped out of the shadows, pushing his father away from the circle where his older brother was trapped. Mikael laughed, looking at his son with contempt.

"I was wondering which of you would come to rescue this abomination. I never expected you'd be the first one to protect him. Wasn't he the one who locked you in a coffin for centuries? Will you defend him after what he did to you? You know best of all what he's capable of. Don't you want revenge? To see him suffer for all his sins against you? Join us, my son. Let's do justice to him together."

"Forgive me, father. I'm not on the retirement team." Mikael's smirk fell, and an ominous, dark look returned in its place.

"So you will watch your failure."

Mikael threw himself at his son in an instant, overpowering him. He turned his back to him and clamped his hand around his neck, forcing him to watch as his brother writhed on the floor in pain, occasionally getting close enough to the fire to sear him. Kol shuddered.

"In a moment, your mother will finish reciting the spell, and your treacherous brother will become nothing but a vampire again, and then... I will pierce him through before your eyes, son, so that you will remember once and for all how those who oppose me end up. Maybe then you'll join us."

"I'd rather die." Kol growled, trying to wriggle out of his father's grip.

"So you will."

And then, when everything seemed over for the two siblings and all hope of survival was lost, the appearance of one person changed the fate of the originals.

Suddenly, a wooden bolt shot out of the darkness of the building and pierced Esther's stomach, causing her to break her spell. The woman fell to the floor, screaming. Another wooden stake flew towards Mikael, who was forced to let go of Kol and catch the flying piece of wood before it hit him.

Klaus stopped shaking in pain, taking quick, heavy breaths. He used his remaining strength to look at his savior.

It couldn't be true…

"Get away from my son!"

Ansel jumped off the container, falling right in front of Klaus and shielding him with his own body. He held his crossbow high, aiming it at an angry Mikael. Kol stood beside him, handing him a white oak stake, which Mikael dropped and took out their weapons himself.

"I've already killed you once!"

"And I can already tell you that this time the ending will be different. Now, get out of here, or I will skin you for what you have done to MY SON."

"What can you do to me?! I'm a vampire, the original! Some weak werewolf can't kill me!"

"Be careful. That weak werewolf has many friends, and some of them..." Mikael and Esther cried out in pain as they fell to their knees on the floor. "Are very powerful witches. Touch my son again, and I'll kill you right away, without a blink. But for all of this, you've already done to him..." more bolts fired from his crossbow, wounding the parents of the originals. Most of them were aimed at the seething with anger Mikael.

"Kol. Take your brother out. I'll join you in a second."

"Are you sure, old man?"

"Yes. Just give me a few seconds." Kol nodded uncertainly to him, not wanting to leave Ansel alone with his parents at all. But the younger original carefully took his exhausted brother into his arms and carried him outside at vampire speed.

The werewolf took a few steps towards the kneeling two, firing the few bolts he had left at the man. Esther screamed shrilly beside them as the witches continued to torture her with their magic.

"I'll make sure you suffer in ways even your cruel, psychopathic mind can't imagine and believe me... a thousand years on the other side teaches great creativity and patience, Mikael." Ansel drove one of the stakes through Esther's heart and watched with satisfaction as the woman who had kept his only son away from him fell to the floor dead. "He'll suffer one more time because of you, and I'll make sure you don't get any peace even on the other side. I hope you understand."

"This whore of his will die before he gets to her! You won't protect him from that."

"We'll see. Again, please!" Mikael howled louder in pain as the witches strengthened their attack. Ansel smiled slightly.

Ansel left the warehouse, leaving the vampire writhing in pain behind him. He had more important things on his mind than torturing him. His son needed him, and he wasn't going to spend a single minute doing anything other than helping him.

After all, family was the most important thing. For always and forever.

~•♤♤♤•~

Kol drove the car, watching the two men in the back seat in the mirror. Ansel told him to get back to their siblings as soon as possible, especially Y/N.

The original had already learned on the other side that it was better to follow his orders. Ansel usually knew what he was doing, and after saving Kol countless times, he had the younger vampire's full trust.

Klaus could be a little more like him.

"What are you laughing at there, jester?" Ansel asked, looking up from his sleeping son and noticing the smirk on Mikaelson's face.

"Don't get offended, but he is nothing like you."

"I know, and I'm proud of him. He's his own person."

"Elijah will be delighted when you tell him that. Another believer in Nik's redemption."

"He is my son. Of course I believe in him and want the best for him." Kol's face morosed as he remembered how, just an hour ago, his father had tried to kill him and nearly ended his brother's life. "Don't make such a face. He is not your father. No father would make his child suffer. He doesn't deserve your attention, thoughts, or anything."

"But he's right about one thing. We are monsters."

"No. You're all lost. You may be a thousand years old, but really you are like children who have not been taught how to be adults. You know no other way to deal with your emotions than to succumb to this bloodlust. The worst of all is that you've allowed yourselves to be told that you are monsters when everything you do is out of your will to survive or strong feelings."

"A living ticking time bomb, eh?"

"If that's what you want to call it." Ansel murmured, shifting his gaze to his only son. Kol glanced at the two men in a car mirror.

Klaus will be damn surprised to see such a caring and tender look in his biological father's eyes. But he deserved it. After everything Miakel and Esther had put him through—what they all went through because of their parents—they deserved a normal, healthy relationship.

Kol would give anything to have someone like a werewolf for a dad.

"He needs you. Don't fuck it up." instead of admitting this childish desire to himself, he decided to warn Klaus' father. 

"I'm not going to waste my chance, Kol. This is rarely: to come back from the other side."

"I'm still going to keep my eye on you. Especially around Hope."

"I would expect nothing less from you."

"Good. Wake up our princess. We're almost there."

~•♤♤♤•~

They expected it to be hard. Some hidden group of vampires and witches ready to attack at any moment, maybe a few deadly traps await them.

They wouldn't have expected the house to go up in flames. Vampires didn't usually die from fire... but humans did.

Klaus got out of the car the moment he saw the burning building. He didn't care that Kol hadn't stopped the car yet or that his newly found father was sitting right next to him.

All the original hybrid had on his mind was getting to Y/N as fast as he could.

He screamed her name and ran like a madman through the collapsing house. She had to be around here somewhere, unless she evacuated. The man did not allow even the slightest thought that his beloved could be trapped in the building, dead from the fire. He had to find her, lock her in a safe place, defeat Mikael, and return to his love, only to finally reveal his feelings to her and keep her with him where she belonged. There was no other way out of this situation.

However, Klaus, despite his best efforts, found someone completely different.

Katherine Pierce-Mikaelson lay unconscious among the collapsing ruins of the hall. Klaus stopped. Dark thoughts flooded his mind. How easy it would be to leave her here once and for all and let some stray plank fall and pierce her stoned heart. He shook his head.

Whether he wanted it or not, she was part of the family now. And he never left them behind. (Also, Y/N wouldn't approve of him leaving her friend to die. Elijah wouldn't be too pleased either.)

He took her in his arms and carried her out of the building. He laid her down on the grass, checking to see if she was injured.

"NIKLAUS! KATERINA!" Klaus raised his head, turning his gaze to his brother, who was running towards them. "Is she okay?! Where is Kol?! KOL?!" the elder brother rushed home after making sure his wife and Klaus were okay.

The hybrid caught up with him and grabbed his jacket, stopping him from entering the building.

"He is fine. Have you seen Y/N?" Elijah fell silent, looking away from his younger brother. Klaus grabbed him by the shoulders and forced him to look into his eyes. "WHERE IS Y/N?!" he shouted, shaking him.

"Niklaus..." the hybrid didn't even bother to listen to him.

He let go of the lapels of his jacket and ran towards the collapsing building, but before he could get close to the fire, his brother caught him. Klaus tried to break free from his grip. They both fell to the ground, fighting until the younger original snapped the older's neck.

"NIK!" his sister's scream stopped him from going home again, he ran towards her. Rage and fear shone in his eyes.

"WHERE IS SHE?!" he shouted at the jittery blonde. He had to get to Y/N, and his sister's tearful, devastated face didn't show she was safe. His anxiety and panic only increased as he searched Rebekah's eyes for any answer.

"She... she is in our house." Klaus had never felt such need and blissful relief flood him so quickly. Unfortunately, it left him as fast as it came. "She is in transition."

The original froze. He felt as if the whole world stopped around him for a moment. The one thing Klaus wasn't sure how Y/N would take in their (then very likely) future relationship was her possible transformation into a vampire. Now that it was actually happening, Klaus worried what his beloved's reaction would be.

"What? But... how?"

"Our father's minions attacked the building. Elijah and I managed to escape in time and evacuate Freya. Katherine was supposed to join us with Y/N, ​​but they never showed up. We went back into the building and found her with a metal rod in her chest. We thought she was dead, but Freya did some weird tricks on her, and it turned out she had vampire blood in her system. Your blood, Nik. I'm so sorry."

"They attacked Katerina. They snapped her neck when she tried to help Y/N. We need to find them and Mikael. They will die for what they did." he growled, preparing a very savage plan of attack in his head.

He would destroy those who hurt his love. They will be begging him to send them to hell quickly.

"Klaus! You knew that, right? That our father returned. Is that why you disappeared with Kol? You went to kill him on your own and you lost. You provoked him, so now it's our fault that Y/N is dead."

"YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MY PLANS WERE!" he shouted furiously. Rebekah had no right to say that when all he was doing was trying to protect Y/N and his family.

"THAT'S THE PROBLEM, NIK, IT'S ALWAYS YOUR PLANS AND NEVER OURS! And now Y/N is dead and it's all your fault!"

"SHE'S NOT DEAD! SHE WILL BE WITH US FOREVER AFTER TURNING INTO A VAMPIRE!"

"SHE WILL NEVER FEED!"

Her sudden statement restored complete silence, broken only by the sound of the burning house. Klaus quickly came to the conclusion that the sound of the fire burning in the fireplace, instead of bringing him relief and peace as before, would become the cause of his anxiety, a memory of the fear and horror he felt today. Another trauma for the collection.

"What?"

"She won't be one of us. She will die, Nik, and you will have the blood on your hands of the only person who has ever truly loved you."

"YOU'RE LIAR! SHE WOULD NEVER LEAVE ME!" he shouted, feeling the tears start to gather dangerously in his eyes.

"Are you sure?"

Klaus screamed, rushing furiously at his sister, but a strong hand on his shoulder stopped him.

"Be calm, son. Don't do something you'll regret. We'll go in turn. We'll kill Miakel first and then deal with Y/N, right?"

"And who the bloody hell are you?" Rebekah asked, eyeing the newcomer suspiciously. Especially when her brother hadn't ripped his arm off or maimed him after he touched him.

"Rebekah, this is my father... Rebekah!" Klaus screamed as the blonde vampire walked over to the older man and slapped him across the face.

"It's okay, Niklaus. I think I deserved it." Ansel groaned in pain, clutching his sore cheek.

"What do you want from him?" she growled, shielding her brother from him with her body. The Mikaelsons' experience had taught them to be careful in their dealings with their parents. They didn't have a very good experience. Klaus, on the other hand, rolled his eyes at his sister's protectiveness. If Ansel wanted to hurt him, he would have done so long ago; he certainly wouldn't have saved him from the clutches of death. Which didn't mean he trusted his father. He would have to deserve it and prove his good intentions to the sibling.

"I want to protect him. He's my son."

Klaus' heart beat faster. His son. It had been a long time since anyone had said that about him (he doubted he'd ever heard those words spoken with such pride and feeling). After all, Klaus wasn't made of stone. He could pretend his father's attitude didn't bother him, but he guessed they all knew how it affected the cruel hybrid. But before their big family meeting about Ansel could take place, they had to defeat their parents. And nothing unites and strengthens family bonds like hunting down their enemies.

"I threw the newlyweds in the car! If you've finished this dramatic scene, get your ass to the car before we all burn up from this fire, behind you, idiots!"

Maybe Klaus would have taken his father into the family after all. He would make a great replacement for his annoying little brother...

~•♤♤♤•~

Y/N's POV

I groaned as I slowly began to regain consciousness.

My head was bursting like hell, my throat felt like a desert, and the lights of the New Orelan lanterns that flooded into the room blinded me, causing me additional pain.

I felt like I had a huge, unforgettable hangover.

However, I don't remember much from last night. I guess I got drunk at the wedding faster than I thought and ended up in Klaus' bedroom again. At least he cleaned up after our recent… activities.

I slowly got out of bed. The world seemed to spin in my head. I closed my eyes, trying to compose myself. Suddenly, I heard an awfully loud jazz band playing in the streets of New Orleans. I swallowed, wondering who normal plays at night under other people's windows.

Someone entered the house with a bang, slamming the door mercilessly behind them. I hissed, clutching my throbbing head in pain. I've never had such a big hangover in my life.

Klaus came in covered in blood. Instantly, I felt the excitement flooding into my body, and my tongue moved to wet my chapped lips. I felt hotter in the room. My god, I fucked him only 24 hours ago, I couldn't be such a whore to him.

"Y/N." he sighed, standing stunned in the doorway. Well, he probably wasn't expecting me in his bedroom again.

"After all the noise outside, I can tell you didn't get rid of those musicians after all. Who did you fight? And please don't tell me it was Elijah." I asked, trying to control my sudden and unexpected turning on by the hybrid in the blood. Fucking hormones before a period.

"Noise?"

"Do not change the subject. With your super-hearing, there's no way you can't hear it." the man gave me a concerned look as he approached me. "Okay, I'm starting to worry. What happened to you?"

"Y/N..." he whispered, reaching for me, but I took a step away from him and wrinkled my nose.

"There's no way I'm letting you hug me or even touch me when you're covered in blood. Know my good heart, I'll clean you." I made a familiar flick of my wrist, but to my surprise, nothing happened… my magic didn't even move in my veins. I tried again, but nothing happened. I transferred my annoyed, hostile gaze to the original. What right did he have to lock me up in his house and block access to my magic?! "What the hell have you done to my magic?! Why did you keep it from me?! What kind of game are you playing right now?!"

"Y/N, I need you to calm down..."

"DON'T TOUCH ME! What did you do to me?! Why can't I feel my power?!"

"I'm so sorry, love."

"No… you can't just imply that… No." I shook my head in disbelief, unable to accept what he was trying to tell me. He must have been making cruel fun of me. But his painful, worried expression indicated otherwise.

"You're in a transition, Y/N."

"No, no, no. I can't! I didn't even drink a vampire's blood or die!"

"You drank from me last night, and today at the wedding, my father's minions disrupted the party. They started a fire and…"

"NO! You're lying! I can't be a vampire!"

"Y/N, please just listen to me..." he took a step towards me, but I backed away from him in panic, afraid to be so close to the man covered in blood... I could smell the wonderful, intoxicating smell of the red liquid on him.

"DON'T come closer. It is impossible. Are you playing some sick game, or is that some fucking plan of yours? A way to get me stuck here?"

"You think I'd stoop so low that I could do something like that to you? One of the few people I care about more than myself?!"

"You tell me. I don't know you."

"Do you really want to argue the same thing over and over again? When do we both know the truth?"

"I'm in transition, I'm scared, I'm angry, and I feel like my whole body is on fire with pain, and you're still able to bring everything back to our fucked-up relationship? You are an unbelievable narcistic psycho."

"Well, I know a very simple solution to your problems." he walked over to his desk and opened a drawer, leaving a bloodstain on the wood. He turned back to me, tossing me a bag of blood. "Drink."

"Are you crazy?! I'm not going to turn into that bloodthirsty thing that you are!"

"I've never heard such a beautiful compliment, love. Now. Drink. Before I pour it down your throat."

"You can't fucking make me!" I screamed, throwing a bag against the wall, which wasn't a good idea at all as its contents started to run down the wall, creating a small puddle on the floor. My gums involuntarily itched. My stomach rumbled as the delicious smell of fresh blood hit my nostrils.

I closed my eyes, sighing as I tried to control the overwhelming hunger. Klaus took advantage of my moment of weakness, coming over to me and enclosing me in a tight, strong hug. The smell of blood that covered him attacked my senses.

It was funny how his arms were both the only place that could bring me peace and make me fearful of the inner need caused by the vampire blood in my system.

"I can see how you are struggling and how persistently you are trying to overcome it. But why fight it? Why when you can get so much? Have you ever thought about the benefits of being a vampire? Your lovely, pretty face will never age a day, being able to dazzle others with its unimaginable beauty forever. All human diseases and ailments will disappear. You will be able to enjoy eternal life, discovering the mysteries and wonders of this world, even if not with me by your side, then with someone who will worship you until the end of this world. All you have to do is drink some blood and let us take care of you until you learn to control yourself. Is that such a big price to pay for eternal life?" he let me pull away from him a little so I could look into his eyes as he held me tight, desperately trying to convince me to stay alive.

"Who said it would be a happy life? That I'll learn to control myself and not go crazy or become a ripper? That I won't come back covered in the innocent blood of humans every night like you?"

"I must admit I'm a little offended, but I won't blame you for making such vicious accusations against me." he said it in such a tone that I laughed involuntarily, bringing a tender smile to his face. He could always make me laugh, even in the darkest of times. "It's the blood of Mikael and his minions; they definitely weren't innocent, love. Besides, I know you. You will not attack an ordinary man for your own pleasure. And even if you want to, I'll make sure you don't do anything stupid."

I got out of his grip, walking away from him to a safe distance. I might have been in transition, but of the two of us, the man was still the more impetuous. His reaction to my final decision may vary, and I prefer not to risk an untimely death by suffocation.

Besides, Klaus would never forgive himself for that.

"I can't, Nik. I won't feed." his calm facade dropped, and the desperation in his eyes and fear became more evident.

"Y/N just listen to me..."

"It seems like the only fair way out, you know? I helped you plan that stupid wedding; now, at least, you can return the favor by giving me a big, epic funeral."

"Don't even joke like that."

"You know, when Bonnie became sort of an anchor for dead supernaturals to find their way to peace or whatever it is, I couldn't believe at first that the dead actually went somewhere. It seems logical that after you've lived so many years with all these super powers, you just… die. No special effects, no second life, or another reality where there are other dead people. Now, I wish I believed in an afterlife, but I just don't buy this peace story."

"Vampirism is by definition an afterlife."

"I'd rather go into the unknown than live in pain." as if on cue, a sudden, painful spasm seized the left half of my body, causing me to double up... I thought I was beginning to decay from the inside out.

Klaus was near me in no time, holding me up. Fear and despair were painted on his face so clearly that I had to look away from him to chase away the remorse.

"The longer you wait, the more you'll suffer."

"Yeah. I think it's better this way. I mean, look at me. I'm gonna make a super-hot corpse. Perfect for an open casket..."

"Y/N."

"I want a huge party. Everyone has to drink themselves into oblivion and reminisce about all the happy times, funny jokes, or God knows what else. And don't let Kol officiate my funeral, because he'll definitely bring up that stupid story about drunk me flirting with you in a wedding dress or that you were my last fu..."

"STOP IT!" he shouted, interrupting me."I'll not entertain this kind of talk any longer. You must feed. I need you." he growled, glaring at me madly as if that had ever impressed me or worked on me.

He wanted a furious lovers quarrel? Here we go, I'll give him a fucking, last argument.

"This is not about you, this is about me! I liked who I was! I've spent my entire life being that exact version of myself! Years of hard practice and experimentation with my magic went for nothing. I'm nothing! I will never be who I used to be. It is better if I die as someone I'm proud of than live as someone I despise!"

"NO! It is better to live a flawed life than to waste it rotting in clay!"

"But that's not your decision to make." I whispered with tears in my eyes.

He thought I wanted to die? Leaving the love of my life when our story was just beginning? That I didn't want that fucking fairytale ending where the princess got her prince charming?

But I was never a Cinderella, and Klaus was no cut-off to be a prince on a white horse. And we had to accept this.

"Y/N..."

"I HAVE NOTHING, KLAUS! Without my magic, I am a meaningless shell of my former self. I will always be just a shadow of the person I used to be, unable to cast even the simplest spell or feel the fucking energy of plants! My immortal life will be one big void that nothing can fill!" I walked over to him, taking his hands. I didn't want him to leave. Since I was about to die, I didn't want to do it alone. But I knew full well that he wouldn't stay with me to watch me die, because if I were in his place, I wouldn't be able to watch him go away forever either. "I don't want to live like this, Nik. I can't stand such a pain, and certainly nothing is worth it."

"If you want to go back to the arms of death so badly, I won't stop you. I only hope the bugs will eat your rotten body soon, love." he growled, pulling his hand out of my grip, and he stormed out of the room.

"Klaus! Wait!" I shouted after him, trying to take a step towards the door, but I was too weak to move. I slumped to the ground, letting all my heightened emotions come to light and burst into tears as I listened as the hybrid left the house, slamming the door angrily.

This wasn't how it was all supposed to be.

Everything was meant to fall into place after the wedding, but my life was coming to an inexorable end, and my epic true love left me alone and ran away, hurt by my refusal to accept eternal life by his side.

Suddenly, I felt arms pull me into a comforting, firm embrace as someone began to stroke my hair reassuringly. I looked up. It was Klaus' father.

Klaus told me about it several times and even showed me one of the most traumatic memories for him—finding his biological father, pierced through and through by Mikael's sword. I spent half the night with him then, trying to distract his mind from his memories about his true origin.

Apparently, Ansel must have returned with the parents of the originals. He must have trusted him to let him into his mansion.

"All right. He will calm down a bit and come back to you, darling. He will not waste the last hours with his beloved on pointless wandering in anger around the city."

"I... don't want to hurt him. I just can't... I... was never supposed to become... It's all so fucked up." I sobbed, letting Ansel move me to Klaus' bed, so we were sitting next to each other.

"Try to understand him. The love of his life is dying, and while he could shove blood down your throat and save you, he can't do anything without your permission. He's powerless, and that's one of the few feelings my son doesn't take well."

"I don't think I can do it, Ansel. I don't want to be a vampire, but… I want him to be okay. He finally has some happiness and peace in his life, and I'm taking that away from him, making him unhappy again. If only I could turn back time and…"

"And do what? Never met him?"

"That would be best for him and his family."

"I think my son knows what's best for him. And I think..." he got out of bed, rolled up the carpet to get to the floorboards, and pulled out one board. He put his hand into the hole and pulled out a huge bundle of papers. He put everything back in its place and came over to me, handing me the package. "He discovered it himself a long time ago."

"What is it?" I asked, wiping tears from my cheeks, and (after wiping my hands on my dress) I took it from him.

"Something for you. Ah, these postmen! They always lose something or don't deliver it on time, don't they? I'll leave you with that for a while. I'll make sure you have some privacy." Klaus' father went out of the room, closing a door behind him.

A werewolf left me with the strange envelopes alone.

I looked at them distrustfully, not certain if I really wanted to open them. But my innate curiosity made me ask myself one important question all the time.

What was in them?

With trembling hands, I opened the first sealed envelope.

I'd recognize Klaus' practiced, beautiful handwriting anywhere. It's been haunting me since he sent me an invitation to Mikaelson's ball. After every little note he gave me, I could tell I was an expert at his refined handwriting. Thanks to this little obsession, after the first glance at the letter, I knew it was written by him.

Y/N, I have to admit, I'm a little offended that you're not answering my calls. Are you so busy with Mystic Falls stuff that you don't have time for old friends? It'd be nice to know you're alive, Klaus

My malicious witch, my nuisance, It's really awful of you to torment my poor soul. What have I done to deserve such a cold shoulder? Have your little friends turned you against me? If Rebekah and Katherine deserve weekly video calls, what do I have to do to have the honor of hearing your irritating voice? Stop with that attitude, or I'll show up in this musty hole myself, Klaus

A thorn in my side, a waking nightmare, I see you're ignoring me on purpose. I have to admit, I didn't expect such a game from you, but here you go. Want to play games? Expect me to be a willing participant. Let the best win, Klaus

My stupid little witch, Heretics will no longer bother you. Do not thank me. Put your life in danger for these morons one more time, and you will know my wrath, Klaus

My little tormentor, Have you cast a spell on me to think about you every night? Does this possession make me see you everywhere I go, only to be disappointed when I reach a person who is not you? Is this another one of your new tricks? Making me miss you awake and asleep? I swear I'll draw you into your own trap, Klaus

My lovely witch and the sweet bane of my existence, You win. I love you. Truly, madly, deeply. I dare you to come to me and get your price. Yours, Klaus

If it was possible, I cried more than before. Why now? Why didn't I find all these letters sooner? If only I had known about the letters sooner, now at least I would have had something to remember on the other side.

But the most important question was, did I really want to go to the other side, now?

[the-bjd-community-confess]

TW: discussion of finances, difficult/abusive friendships and relationships, ideation and attempts, mental health, physical health

(Mod: anon, my sympathies as this sounds like a very difficult/intense situation)

Mod, you might want to throw this under a cut. I got a bit rambly and off topic, and some content might be uncomfortable for some blog readers. People will want to skip this one.

I almost offered to buy a bjd from a friend and I'm so glad I didn't. Context- she's in a rough spot financially and was selling off what she could. I considered offering my best guess at market price, with the understanding that she'd be able to buy the doll back unmodified, maybe with a faceup with permission, probably with some new clothes for the naked boy, whenever she wished. Basically loan with collateral and some doll clothes.  She does nothing with him normally, so it would just be a graceful way give her some help. He's in pieces, so I'd even restring him for her. Straight loan isn't an option since she borrowed a substantial amount from me for rent, claimed she'd pay me back, then continued to complain she couldn't while buying random playline dolls. I forgave the loan in an attempt to keep the friendship (and I now regret it- that was some of my savings and more than a month of my low income. I will be fine and it'll make minimal difference longterm, but it hurts emotionally). I should have wasted it on more dolls or something less dishonest. At least a snappy joint doesn't hide that it turns red when it makes you bleed in a restringing...

Due to a variety of factors, I'm debating cutting contact with her. I don't want to lose her, since she can be an amazing friend when she wants to be, but this friendship is destroying me. She's willing to lie to, use, and manipulate me even when I express discomfort with what she's doing. She's guilt tripped me into a situation where I was concerned for my safety.  The next time she wanted me to be around that person, she just didn't tell me he was involved and invited me with no disclosure. She couldn't drive due to surgery, violently abusive ex wouldn't be around her without a witness to agree he didn't do anything, and I was the only one that might put up with their stupidity, so she pretended she was inviting me because she wanted me there. I had to leave my car behind so I had no way to get away for hours. This happened repeatedly, minus the car, and she would have blown up on me if I hadn't done it. I should have sent an invoice for my involuntary adult babysitting sidegig. That would have been a lot of doll money. She'll get on my case for being "prickly"- never mind that she lashed out at me for months at everything before I finally snapped. A chunk of it is in her own head. Text doesn't convey tone and she lashes out when she jumped to the worse conclusion possible, then gets mad when I'm confused and point out she jumped on me. I can be a jerk and lash out once in a while, but the real stuff she's mad about only started after MONTHS of being her emotional punching bag, the turning point being when I developed probable PTSD because of her. She flips out over the smallest things too- I once got yelled at for picking up a clump of dog fur off her floor. My therapist can't legally diagnose me, but we agree I meet minimum DSM-V PTSD criteria (and then some) as a direct result of her actions (I can't tell her- I saved her life when she attempted. She'd feel guilty and never ask for help the inevitable next time. I know I shouldn't blame her for attempting, but I can't tell if she even did it or faked it to guilt trip her ex back to her and out of anger at me. She did NOT care who it hurt if it had a chance of getting him back. She's never once apologized for what she yelled at me that night or how she's treated/used me since he left her.) I don't know if I can end the friendship without her trying again or trying to get back at me. She's the needs to be needed type and so knows a lot about me that could seriously impact my life if it got out. We met three years ago when she was in her mid thirties and I was a very anxious, lonely teenager (minor at the time) desperate for someone to understand me. She's got an alphabet soup mental health record, so it feels wrong to blame her for anything. Especially since she'll excuse any action anyone does to me if they have a diagnosis. Hypocrite. There's a chance she's got a terminal illness, but that's still up for determination and who knows if she's lying again. I don't want it to be true, but I can't help realizing that's my peaceful way out. 

I'm so sick of it. If I had tried to help her vy+ that stupid doll, I'd be trapped by a promise. I couldn't have even gotten rid of the thing without breaking my word. I'd have to go near her to dump it on her doorstep and I'd lose the money. I've met online doll people now. We're not friends and I'll likely never go to a meetup, but the void of squealing over a shared interest together feels filled. I'm for sure an outsider, but I've finally got a bit of a hobby community (and one sane long distance friend- the other local one wants occasional emotional support and ghosts most of the rest of the time. LD stays friends the whole time and appreciates my dolls even if he's not interested personally). Some of y'all can get crazy, but most of the people I've met are genuinely nice. Very opinonated on certain topics, sure, but chill if I don't rock the boats. 

Sorry for the rant. I'm exhausted and losing my filter. Plus you guys like drama, so eat some popcorn and please don't repeat my mistakes or do this to someone. 

~Anonymous

[gayf1hoe]

Part 2

I stand there with my helmet in my hand, I try to compose myself however it's to no avail

"WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, WHAT KIND OF FUCKING STUPID ARE YOU?"He stands there just looking at me, I can tell he's trying to gather the words to say, and when I begin to walk away he blurts out, "You know it takes 2 to cause a collision", that makes me stop in my tracks.

"Are you saying it's my fault as well" - I spit these words out with such an interrogative tone " you know I knew you had a big ego before I moved to Formula 1 but I never knew it was that big" he looks at me frowning "I -" before he can finish I cut him off "you know what save whatever you have to say, I'm reporting the incident".

I walk out and head towards the podium and take my place, I look at to the crowd in awe of what has just happened and whilst I still have anger pulsating through my veins I forge a smile, I see my mum in the crowd and I smile, knowing that without her I wouldn't be here today. As the national anthem of (Your country) plays I can't help but notice Charles death starting me from the corner of my eye, as we brush open the champagne I turn the spray of champagne towards Max and the crowd completely blanking Charles, I know I appear to be a petty bitch but that man almost ruined my first F1 race.

As the podium ceremony comes to a close, I take a stand next to the F1 reporter. Will Buxton, it's always been clear that I hate anything related to PR. Growing up around the likes of Kimi Räikkönen, I have only heard about how invasive and irritating the media is. When Will starts to question me, the dialogue from me is as blunt as possible.

Will: So M/N how does it feel to be a Grand Prix winner?

M/N: It feels good as expected.

Will: Of course, now the incident between you and Charles what's your take on that? Obviously we heard your radio message a bit now you have had time to cool down. What's your opinion now?

M/N: Well it was his fault, he came close to me, I moved away and he continued to move closer, it was a reckless move from him.

Will: So is it safe to say that there is already a rivalry between you and Charles?

M/N: Well it's racing, there's rivalry between every driver, so it's a stupid question, and I have had enough now so have a good day.

Will: Thank you M/N

As I walk off my media manager Luca, looks at me and says "you know these interviews aren't just for the media, they can be a source of self reflection and plus the ruder you are to the reporters the harder my job is", I sigh and say "Well I can't stand them, they are all dicks".

As I head to my drivers room I start writing an email to the stewards:

" Dear Stewards,

As I'm sure you are aware there was an Incident between myself and Charles Leclerc during lap 32 in turn 3. This caused me to veer off the track and have significant debilitating damage to my tyres.

Whilst I am not sure why this was not already investigated during the race I would request you carry out a full investigation.

As I'm sure you're aware of the severe consequences of such reckless driving, I hope you can see the reason for me making a formal complaint.

I thank you for your time and hope you are able to reach a conclusion that can prevent such behaviour in the future.

Yours Sincerely,

M/N L/N

Driver for Mercedes "

----

As I hit send, I do ponder whether I would come to regret this decision, however my pride and anger take control.

It has been 3 days since the incident and I am in my hotel room when I receive an email:

---

"Dear M/N,

We thank you for your email. We do apologise that this incident was not already under investigation.

After an extensive investigation we have reached a conclusion that Charles Leclerc did display reckless behaviour and we have imposed the following sanctions for such behaviour."

Scuderia Ferrari will have to pay for the damage done to your car.

Charles will have to pay £10,000 in fines for his behaviour

Additionally Charles has been given a formal warning should he display such behaviour again he will be suspended with immediate effect.

As soon as I finish reading the email I hear a deafening knock on my door as I open it Charles storms in "WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, YOU REPORTED ME", I can tell he is angry and upset "Well as you implied that it was both of our faults, I thought I would request an investigation to prove that is was you and not me" I say with a defensive tone. "Do you have any idea what you have done, that's now on my personal record if I ever want to sign for a new team they could deny me because of you".

"I'm sorry but you pissed me off" I say "now about that £10,000 I can take cash, card transfer or cheque" I say genuinely he looks up from the bed he was sitting on "please tell me you are joking" he asks whilst scoffing in disbelief I had the audacity, I maintain eye contact emphasising my seriousness he stands up and walks out whilst saying "you're a joke".

In that moment I did feel regret, and empathy, but I then recieve a text from Luca informing me that I have a team meeting.

I get changed out of my shorts and T-shirt and put on a Mercedes team T Shirt and a pair of black jeans and head to the garage. I arrive to see Toto and George talking and I approach them," hey M/N", George says jovially, Toto gestures that we head to the conference room as we sit down he begins taking:

"That was a great first race result with P1 from M/N and P4 from George. I want to be very brief, I want to welcome M/N formally to the team with everyone here. He made us incredibly proud at Silverstone. Of course there was an incident between him and Charles which has since been dealt with appropriately. However I would like to take this time to emphasise that when you 2 drive it must be clinical and safe. "

The meeting goes on for another hour before it ends. For the rest of the day me and George are doing training. George is doing physical training whilst I am doing pit training to get faster.

When I receive a text from max.

——————

Max: Hey M/N we are going out later for a party to celebrate, I was wondering if you wanted to come?

Me: Hey Max, it depends do I have to interact with Charles?

I have a feeling he isn't going to forgive me anytime soon for reporting him.

Max: You know you can't avoid each other forever , and plus it would be a great opportunity for you 2 to make up

Me: I would have to be drunk to be friends with him and I don't drink alcohol, plus he won't talk to me.

Max: HOW DO YOU LIVE WITHOUT ALCOHOL?

Me: Quite easily.

Max: So are you coming?

Me Fine, just for you, the second Charles looks at or speaks to me I'm leaving.

Max: Great, meet in the lobby at 9.

——————

As I finish reading the text, I decide to head to my hotel and have a shower and get changed and watch a TV show as I wait for it to be 9.

I decide to go on social media for a bit but a lot of the comments are just harassing me for reporting Chalres and saying it was a genuine mistake.

When it reaches 9 I head to the lobby and see all the drivers including Charles, I whisper to myself, " this could be the night I start drinking".

[eightlightstar]

The First Real Chance

pairing: seungcheol x jeonghan genre: angst with a happy ending, drabble warning(s): mentions of anxiety, insecure!seungcheol, yelling. word count: 2.5k

A/N: Below is an attempt to write an angsty and fluffy fic with a happy ending based on the following prompt by @whygodohgodwhy: “Why did you save me? Why did you give me a second chance?” “Because… honestly? I don’t think you ever had a real chance at all.”

3 Years Ago:

"Are you okay?", Jeonghan asks while bending his head down as far the as the table in front of him allowed, to try and get a better look at his date's face.

"Huh? Oh uhm...yeah! I'm totally fine. I was just thinking about how well this date is going", Seungcheol answered with a small smile even as a wave of anxiety hit him.

"Is it though? I mean, we haven't talked much except when you asked me what I wanted to eat", Jeonghan shrugged nonchalantly while picking at his noodles.

"No!"

Jeonghan's head shoots up to stare at him.

"I mean, yes!! I- I guess I'm just nervous. Because...you're...so pretty", he whispers the last two words to himself.

"I'm what?", asks Jeonghan curiously while leaning over the table, noodles long forgotten.

'I should be able to do this, this is the bare minimum. I do not want to disappoint a pretty and kind boy like him', Seungcheol thinks to himself.

He takes a deep breath and musters up all the courage he has when he says, "You're...pretty", and smiles to himself shyly.

Jeonghan is thoroughly endeared and replies, "Why, thank you! You're not so bad yourself!", and chuckles when he sees Seungcheol turn a deep red.

When they get up after paying and walk out of the restaurant, Jeonghan slides his hand into Seungcheol's, which makes Seungcheol turn more redder than ever and makes Jeonghan feel more giddier than ever he felt on this date.

---Time Skip---

Cheol : Han! Where are you? Hannie : Heyy! Just left the salon. You're already at the Han River? Cheol : Yes! Logged out of work a little early! A rookie designer took some of the work load. Hannie : Oh that's cool. See you in 15 then! Cheol : See you!

It had been 15 minutes but there was still no sign of Jeonghan. Seungcheol started thinking about how much he's had to go through to get this far with Jeonghan because every date before this 5th one had been him silently battling his anxiety and Jeonghan being unaware but always shining bright in Seungcheol's eyes. While he was lost in thought, he suddenly realized that it had been more than 25 minutes and Jeonghan still hadn't arrived. He immediately called Jeonghan.

"Jeonghan? Are you okay? Where are you? Are you on your way?", asked Seungcheol while panic kept rising in him.

"Hey! Got called by the manager as I was leaving. He wants me to come in this Saturday for one of our very rich regulars. I'm almost there. Reaching in 5.", Jeonghan answered without minding Seungcheol's tirade of questions as he was driving.

"Oh okay. Uh...can you send me your location? I can come to you while you park your car...?" Seungcheol asked unsurely.

"Huh? But I'm really close by...?" reasoned Jeonghan.

"It's okay! The parking lot is a huge place haha, and it will be difficult for you to find me..." trailed off Seungcheol.

This was the first time Jeonghan noticed something.

"Uh...okay then. I'll send the location. Bye!", Jeonghan said and hung up.

'He hasn't always been like this though? Why is he so anxious about a little delay? Did I do something that made him think I wasn't reliable?'

Jeonghan's thoughts were a mess as he sent his location and tried to find a spot to park.

The moment they spot each other, all anxiety and worry is immediately replaced by a feeling of joy for Seungcheol. Even Jeonghan's mess of thoughts couldn't resist his shy smile. They have a nice time walking along the riverside and catching up and all is forgotten. Until, Jeonghan remembers it again.

---Time Skip---

Seungcheol's anxiety about messing it up with Jeonghan has been well under control since they grew close enough to spend the night at each other's places. And also because they've never had a fight. Ever. While happily reminiscing about all this, Seungcheol puts in the code for Jeonghan's door. But he's met with an empty home and no sign of Jeonghan. An familiar feelings starts invading Seungcheol's senses as he texts Jeonghan:

Cheolie : Hannie! You said you were at home? Where are you? Cheolie : Han? Are you okay? Hannie : Cheolie, hi! And yes, I'm okay. I forgot to mention because I was in a hurry. I had to come in for a client who requested me by name. Cheolie : Oh okay! Should I stay here or...? How long will it take you to come back? It seems rude to stay at your place without you? Idk... Hannie : I don't know how long it'll take...I'm not sure if you should stay back

Seungcheol feels like he's been punched in the gut. Because why did this hurt so much? Why doesn't Jeonghan want him to stay? Was it because...his thoughts ran a mile a minute as he typed:

Cheolie : Oh. Okay. Uh, I'll go home then. I'm sorry. Please don't be mad at me. Hannie : Mad at you? Why would I be mad at you? And why are you sorry, baby? Cheolie : I thought you told me not to stay because you're mad at me... :( You're not? Hannie : Why would you think that? Of course I'm not mad at you. Listen, I have to go. I'll come over in the morning, yeah? Cheolie : Thank you! <3 See you tomorrow!

Back at the Salon, Jeonghan thinks about Seungcheol's behaviour just now and suddenly remembers their date that night at the Han river when he got the same uneasy feeling. Only this time, he has the time to sort through the mess in his head. So he has anxiety huh. How come I only noticed it then and now? Had he developed it before the Han River date? Or did he always had it?

As he keeps thinking, his mind goes as far as their first date and suddenly, all the puzzle pieces fall into place and Jeonghan bitterly muses: So SeungcheoI has anxiety and has been trying to desperately hide it from me? Who's gonna tell him that I love him and that I'm ready to be there for him through not just his anxiety, but throughout the rest of our life?

The answer to this rhetorical question comes soon enough, and Jeonghan does not handle well the fact that it was he that had to break it to Seungcheol.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU LET ME KNOW!? I'M LITERALLY YOUR EMERGENCY CONTACT!? Seungcheol's yells ring out in the squeaky clean private room of a hospital, where Jeonghan is sitting on the bed with a bandaged arm and a weary expression.

"Cheol, baby, I'm sorry? Okay? There was no time to call you from the salon. I'm fiiine!", responded Jeonghan. The word "fine" didn't even feel like a word anymore because he'd reassured Seungcheol so many times with same word in the past hour, for the most part of which, Seungcheol was yelling.

"BUT YOU'RE NOT THOUGH? THAT'S WHY YOU'RE IN A HOSPITAL! WITH BANDAGES ON YOUR ARMS!!" Seungcheol cried out. "Okay okay fine I agree. I may not be exactly fine seeing that a significant amount of very hot wax fell right on my arm, causing blisters to erupt almost immediately", Jeonghan gave in, crestfallen. "OH MY GOD!? YOU ONLY TOLD ME IT WAS A SMALL ACCIDENT!? THIS ISN'T SMALL HAN OH MY GOD", Seungcheol was frantic now, which made Jeonghan rethink his decision to tell Seungcheol about it in the first place.

Jeonghan sighed. "Cheolie, my baby, please. Okay, it's not a 'small' accident, I know. I'm sorry for worrying you. I didn't want you to panic and that's why I told you after I got treated".

"YOU SHOULD'VE TOLD ME WHAT HAPPENED, BY YOURSELF, AND AS SOON AS IT HAPPENED IF YOU DIDN'T WANT ME TO PANIC, HAN. I PANICKED ONLY BECAUSE I HAD TO FIND OUT FROM THE SALON THAT YOU WEREN'T THERE BUT AT THE HOSPITAL!! AND THEY LITERALLY SAID "SERIOUS ACCIDENT". DO YOU KNOW WHAT I WENT THROUGH ON MY WAY HERE!?, screamed Seungcheol.

Jeonghan had had enough. He was trying his best knowing that it was not his Cheolie, but his anxiety that was yelling at him. But how much could be bear when all he was trying to do was prevent this very thing that was unfolding in front of him? It did not help that his own anger was also rising by the minute. He spat angrily, "Cheol, get the fuck out if you're going to keep yelling. I didn't know it was wrong to try to not worry one's partner, especially when the said partner has anxiety!" Seungcheol froze. "Y-you knew? All this time?", his voice trembled as he asked. "Yes, all this time. And how could I not when it was very obvious right from the first date? I never saw it as an issue! I noticed and I decided that to never give you a reason to be anxious when it came to me! But looks like I decided wrong", snarled Jeonghan Seungcheol gulped. 'Any minute now, it's all over', he thought.

"Get out Cheol. And don't come back. I can't talk to you right because I feel like I'm about to pass out from the pain. I'll let you know after I'm discharged. Just...I need some space right now" stated Jeonghan, as he lay down and turned away from Seungcheol.

It was like Jeonghan had confirmed his worst suspicions.

"I-I'm so sorry Jeonghan. I was scared and that's why I was yelling. I see now that it was not the best of reactions. And now that you know, I hope you can forgive me for not telling you. This is the reason I didn't tell any of my previous partners about my anxiety. I wish it wasn't like that but it looks like you've made your decision. It was nice knowing you Jeonghan. For what it's worth, you're the only one I ever felt safe with", Seungcheol murmured sadly, with tears in his eyes.

He turned away and left with a heavy heart, thinking that his anxiety had once again rendered him lonely, not realizing that Jeonghan hadn't heard his apology and adieu because he had indeed passed out from the pain.

Seungcheol's anxiety was replaced with grief since the moment he stepped out of Jeonghan's hospital room and he had been grieving for over 48 hours now, if the wall-clock in the living room was an indication. He hadn't done anything in that time except for drinking some water which was not quenching his thirst (and hunger) but only replenishing his tear ducts.

This wasn't new to him - he had gone without eating for more than 48 hours when his anxiety had taken a hit for the worse one day. But it was first time doing the same due to grief. He hadn't had much to grieve for in his previous relationships seeing as they ended before he had time to get attached. But with Jeonghan, he hadn't just gotten attached, he had fallen head-over-heels in love with him. But none of that mattered right now, because it was all over.

As fresh tears started rolling down his cheeks, his door opened. His hungry, thirsty, and sleep-deprived brain couldn't comprehend it immediately but slowly caught up to the fact that a very bewildered Jeonghan was standing in front of him right now. "Cheol, what happened? Why have you been crying?", asks Jeonghan while shaking him a little.

When Seungcheol stumbles and fall on the couch as a result of the little shaking, Jeonghan is alarmed.

"What in the world? Cheolie? Have you even eaten today? Why do you look so pale and weak? And your eyes!? Why do you look like you haven't slept in two days?!?", Jeonghan goes on as he starts to panic. "It's because...I haven't slept in two days Jeonghan. I have done absolutely nothing since I sat on this couch after coming back from the hospital", Seungcheol replies quietly. "CHEOL WHAT THE FUCK!? Thankfully, I got food! Please eat first, then you can tell me what happened", Jeonghan said as he tried to compose himself. Seungcheol sees that his arm was fine except for fading circular scars where the blisters used to be.

"But why are you here Jeonghan? I thought you wanted nothing to do with me?", questioned Seungcheol.

"Ah yes. I was about to get to that. I was angry and I was in pain. I lashed out and I'm very sorry. I know that you were yelling because you were worried. But, really, I was in no position to take that and that was the reason why I asked you to leave", Jeonghan explained.

"But you didn't call me after getting discharged. So I thought...you know...that we were broken up", Seungcheol uttered sorrowfully. And then added, "You do remember what I said when I left, right?"

"Huh? You said something before leaving? I'm not sure, I passed out right after I asked you to leave and lied down. Was it something important?", Jeonghan asked sheepishly.

Seungcheol was flabbergasted that his woeful monologue went unheard but he shrugged it off as he said, "No, it was nothing important. Don't worry about it."

Jeonghan continued, "See, I know it looked like that - both from what I said and the fact that I didn't call. But, truthfully, the thought about wanting to end things did cross my mind. But only for a fleeting second because I was feeling vulnerable then. And then I decided against it because it was the easy way out". "Why decide against it when it was easy, Jeonghan?", Seungcheol interrupted.

"Because I don't want the 'easy' Cheol, I want you", declared Jeonghan. "I knew it wasn't easy when I chose to go on the 6th date, after I wondered if you had anxiety. I knew it wasn't going to be easy at all after the 8th date when I realized that you had anxiety. So yes Seungcheol, I choose you, the you who may not be easy, but are so easy to love", whispered Jeonghan, while looking tearfully at Seungcheol.

Seungcheol, albeit happy, whispered miserably, "But why did you choose me over and over again? Why give me a second chance after the thought of breaking up had crossed your mind?"

"Because… honestly? I don’t think you ever had a real chance at all. What with the anxiety, I believe you were not able to show your true self", said Jeonghan wistfully.

"I love you, Han. I'm sorry I put you through this. Now that you're here and you know, I feel more confident about dealing with my anxiety. And it wasn't as bad anyway after the 8th date you know?", Seungcheol chuckled wetly.

"I love you too, Cheol. And no, don't be sorry. It's not your fault. And it's true that it wasn't that bad after the 8th date. I saw that too. See, if you need any help, as in therapy or something else, we'll look into that too, okay? You don't ever have to feel like you're alone in this. We're in this together okay?", promised Jeonghan as he kissed the top of Seungcheol's forehead.

A/N: It's my first fic here on tumblr. I don't usually write angst but I tried something because the prompt caught my eye. And it took me so long to finish it because I was so busy T_T. Anyway, it's over so that's that. And I'll add a header and all that pizzazz later.

Thanks for reading! <3

Consider buying me a coffee if you liked it!

Comments and Feedback are appreciated.

Send me an ask if you have any fic/au/imagines/reaction requests!

[foxgirlmoth]

The constant Feels Like I'm Going Nowhere that has persisted for years really fucks up your brain huh. I haven't:

Continued electrolysis in pursuit of bottom surgery (No healthcare for a while, and now currently I have no income)

Gotten my associates. Granted, this is something I'm (hopefully) finishing this semester. I should have been done so last semester but health issues and disabilities severely limit how much I can do a semester. I had to basically drop 2 classes last semester. I've been in college for 6 years.

Related to the above statement, watching the industry I started my degree for constantly burning more and more each year has worn me down. 2 years of experience in my field doesn't qualify for a starter position apparently, nor does it seem like applications even get viewed most of the time.

Moved away from family. It is actively harmful in this 'home'. Family constantly belittles and insults me. No money + paying off a car for several years has limited what I've been able to do money wise. One of the few times I could have saved up I was paying rent to my family (except they had me mark it as not rent, so they wouldn't get taxed for it) for pretty much all my extra income. This should be resolved this year when I move in with the loml who has been the best and I can't go into detail without bawling about my love for her and how she helps just being around.

Past jobs have also fucked me over. Becoming the only manager of a medical/retail mix at the age of 19 stressed me out to the point I had breakdowns weekly. 2 years working at a sbux wore my physical body down to the point I'm still having issues 2 years later. I did all this with misdiagnosed fibromyalgia since I was 12 (Idk how a past fucking dr thought I had a certain other 6 WEEKS MAX condition when it had already been years). I'm just so tired. I don't even know if I can get on disability, I feel like I'd be rejected. I hardly know what I could even do for work at this point. I left my last job because of harassment from all the way up to the VP. That job was just sitting around half the time and my pain was so bad I missed weeks of work regularly for a couple months. I just feel so lost half the time. Being in the workforce for 10 years has just made me a broken husk devoid of passions.

[ladylilithprime]

The Future's So Bright

Series: Fluff Is My Jamstiel

Fandom: Supernatural: 

Pairing: Sastimmy/Jamstiel (Jimmy Novak/Sam Winchester/Castiel), background past Lisa Braeden/Dean Winchester

Rating: Teen and Up

Tags/Warnings: Witch Sam Winchester, Hunter Novak Brothers, Jimmy and Castiel Are Twins, Brief Allusions to Canon-Typical Violence, Time-Travel, Adam Milligan Lives, Henry Winchester Lives, Hunters Are Not Uneducated Attack Dogs

Summary: When the emergency phone in the kitchen drawer started ringing, more than one person would end up thrown for a loop by who was on the other end and what was to unfold.

For: @fluffyfebruary challenge!

Prompt: Day 19: Loop

Read on AO3

THERE WAS A phone ringing in the kitchen.

It was the wrong ringtone for the actual telephone that hung on the wall of the kitchen next to the door and the calendar. The sound wasn't even coming from the wall phone, but from a drawer near the sink that held a variety of odds and ends, which was why it took John Castiel Novak a few seconds to actually track the sound and then dig through the drawer to its source. The old flip phone should have had a long-since dead battery if it had been in any other house, but Cas was pretty sure the witch whose name was on the house's deed would never have stood for any phone labeled "Emergency Line" to chance losing power.

"You have reached a live person, what's your emergency?" he said as he answered the flip phone, carefully avoiding saying any names since there was no telling what name would have been given to whoever was calling this number, "Wesson" or "Winchester".

"I need to talk to Sam Winchester," the frazzled tenor voice on the other end of the line said, the words rushed and strained over what sounded a lot like a growling car engine. "He said to call this number if I ever got into trouble over my head, and this is so far above my pay grade I can't even-- I'm a doctor, damn it, not a demonologist!" The last part was said in a fainter tone, as if the speaker had turned away from the receiver to speak to someone else.

Well, at least whoever was calling definitely had the right number for his emergency.

"Do you need an exorcism or something more specialized?" Cas asked, glancing up at his twin wandered into the kitchen with a raised eyebrow. Cas pointed at the kitchen phone and mouthed "Call Sam" at him.

"We need a safe place to hole up and set a trap," the voice on the other end said, some of the strain leaving his voice at the apparent evidence that his call was being taken seriously. "Regular exorcisms didn't work on this thing and it's tracking us by bloodline so we won't be able to outrun it for long." There was a pause, during which Cas thought he heard another voice saying something, and then the first voice came back with, "Grandpa says it's a Knight of Hell."

Well, shit.

"Head for Palo Alto, California," Cas said, making a snap decision. "Call this number back when you reach the city limits and by then we'll have a safe zone set up that we can guide you into. Did Sam knit anything for you?"

"He sends me socks every Christmas," was the somewhat wry answer. "They're the first things I grabbed when we hit my house to grab supplies since his notes said they could save my life."

"They can, and probably will," Cas confirmed, nodding to himself. Whoever this was, he was important enough to Sam to knit socks for, even if he only called Sam on the emergency line. "What name should I give Sam for you?"

"Adam Milligan," the man, Adam, answered. "Thank you. And... tell Sam I'm sorry."

"You can tell him yourself when you get here," Cas said firmly. "Palo Alto. Wear the socks. Stop only for gas and bathrooms."

"What've we got?" Jimmy asked when Cas hung up the flip phone.

"Adam Milligan," Cas answered, pausing for Jimmy to relay that through the phone and raising his eyebrows in time with Jimmy when he heard Sam swearing from the other end of the line. Jimmy put the phone on speaker, and Cas continued. "He's apparently being chased by a Knight of Hell, and has someone else he called Grandpa with him. Said they're being tracked by their bloodline."

"Figures," Sam groaned. "At least he called. Last time something was hunting him by his bloodline, I had a vision and Dean had a coronary. Most awkward family meeting ever."

"Family meeting?" Cas and Jimmy chorused, exchanging wide-eyed looks.

"Yeah, funny thing," Sam answered with a snort. "For all the times John Winchester used to lecture Dean and me about wrapping it up, he wasn't so good at following his own advice. Adam is my half-brother."

DRIVING ALL THE way to Palo Alto, California, from Windom, Minnesota, would take nearly thirty hours by car according to online maps. Cas knew from experience the kind of time one could make with a tenacious car, a lead foot, and no stops, but without knowing anything more about their partner's heretofore undiscussed half-brother besides his name he couldn't really make a better guess about when to expect Adam Milligan to arrive with a Knight of Hell on his heels. After being told that Adam had the socks he had knitted, Sam had done a spell to scry for them and had managed to get a brief and somewhat tenuous connection to Adam himself. It was enough to have him on the phone to Bobby Singer, and for Bobby to start swearing and booking another last-minute flight from Wichita to San Francisco.

"So get this," Sam began as he served up dinner to Cas, Jimmy, Dean, Bones, and himself that night. "Henry Winchester, husband to Mildred and father of John, was one of the original Legacy members of the Men of Letters along with your mother's father. Around nineteen-fifty-eight, the Men of Letters were practically wiped out and the survivors went underground until you stumbled on the bunker and set Bobby up there to get the band back together.

"What actually happened was that Henry and another initiate, Josie Sands, were sent to investigate the deaths of three nuns at St Bonaventure Convent and discovered a group of demons who served a Knight of Hell called Abaddon. Josie lied to Henry about them having exorcized all the demons, but it turns out that she was possessed by Abaddon and let the demon into the Men of Letters organization, where Abaddon using Josie proceeded to slaughter just about everyone except Henry, who used a bloodline spell to try and escape. He thought the spell would take him home to his son, but apparently Abaddon did something to twist the spell and flung him - and her - forward in time fifty-five years."

"So why'd the spell latch onto Adam instead of one of us?" Dean asked, moving his fork back and forth between him and Sam. "I mean, I'm the oldest of us, and you're the big magical superpower...."

"That's actually why it didn't latch onto either of us," Sam grimaced. "At least, that's my theory. Abaddon messing with Henry's spell would have tainted it with demonic energies which would have bounced hard off all the warding we have around our homes and respective shops. The only warding of mine that Adam has are those socks I send him every year, and apparently he wasn't wearing them to the ER."

"Why the hell not?" Dean grumbled.

"It's summer," Jimmy and Cas chorused dryly, to Dean's eyeroll. Cas shook his head and continued, "Ask any of the docs and nurses up at the hospital here, thick knitted socks you actually care about are the worst thing to wear while on call in the ER, especially if you don't know what kind of patient fluids you might get doused in."

"Point taken," Dean mumbled, looking a little green. "So he and Grandpa Henry are fleeing our direction now with Abaddon tracking them, and if she's tracking Winchesters it's only a matter of time before she'd find us, too."

"I hate to ask... Ben?" Sam said, glancing at Dean, who shook his head.

"Lisa swears up and down he ain't mine," he said, which cleared up Cas's confusion a little bit. "Even after the thing with the changelings and the warning about the creepy crawlies hunting by blood, and if there's anyone else out there I don't know about 'em."

"Call her anyway, just in case," Sam said with a grimace. "Cicero's between here and Windom, and if she lied to protect Ben and Abaddon gets the scent..."

"On it," Dean set his fork down and got up, digging his phone out of his pocket as he left for a more private room to make what Cas figured was going to be a very awkward call.

"So we're letting Adam lead Abaddon here with the intent to set up our own trap for her," Jimmy picked up. "You think Josie's still in there?"

"If she is, Adam being on hand will help her chances for surviving," Sam answered, frowning thoughtfully. "We won't know for sure either way until she shows up. ER's always on standby, but we might want to call Nurse Masters anyway. Bones--"

"I'm staying," Bones said, shaking her head. "Put the word out to Jess and Max, get them to call around to the rest of the group, but if you're going up against a Knight of Hell I'm not going anywhere you aren't."

"You know I had to try," Sam sighed. He glanced up at Cas and Jimmy, who pinned him with identical unimpressed looks.

"If Abaddon is trying to wipe out the Men of Letters completely, she'll probably move on to the distaff branches of the legacy bloodlines once she takes out the easily-traced male lines," Jimmy said. "That's why you called Bobby in the first place, and why he's on a red-eye flight to San Francisco right now."

"We're both safer and better off if we're right here with you helping set the trap or even just setting contingency traps," Cas concluded.

"Yeah, I figured if Bones wasn't high-tailing it out you two wouldn't either," Sam sighed, the smile tugging at his lips a mix of rueful resignation and gratitude. "Since I'm not going to convince you to do that, how do you both feel about helping me with a little pre-trap high-level spellwork?"

THE TRAP WAS set at an old arcade that had been trashed by some out of towners a few weeks back and had to be shut down when the owner couldn't afford the repairs. Andy Gallagher got them into the building with some mojo-backed sweet-talking about cleaning the place up, and he and Ava Carey were on standby to help hold Abaddon in place if she turned out to be stronger than Sam could handle on his own. Most of Sam's "network" was on standby to deal with Abaddon, any demons she might be bringing as back-up, and as medical and trauma support for newly freed meatsuits who still had souls strapped into shotgun.

Dean's call to Lisa had resulted in a second red-eye flight to San Francisco being booked, something that Cas knew Dean was having a lot of mixed feelings about that he didn't really want to deal with. Fortunately for him, the current crisis gave him plenty of excuse to put off dealing with it, and Lisa and Ben Braeden were taken in by Jess and Max Moore, with Sam making a brief stop to their house to ensure that extra wards were raised. Bobby joined in the support crew with warding the building, using a mix of old Men of Letters wards from the bunker and some of the newer arrays he and Sam had created over the years since reconnecting. They left the lot of them mostly passive, a circuit ready to be closed once they had their prey well and truly in their web.

"Your idea of a safe zone is an abandoned arcade?" was the first thing Cas heard Adam Milligan say as he and Henry Winchester were led into the main room by Andy.

"No, our safe zone is all the way across town at Sam and Dean's places," Andy answered with a roll of his eyes that Cas was tempted to echo. "This is our idea of a siege fortress, far away from anything yon black and smoky pursuer might find interesting if she actually succeeds in wiping us out like she did the last group."

"She really wiped us all out?" Henry asked in a subdued voice.

"Pretty much entirely," Bobby spoke up with a gruff sigh. "Only ones left're the splinter branches who went to ground when the main branch went silent and the independent hunters who survived Azazel's culling while he was trying to run his little 'experiments'."

"The fate of humanity against the supernatural was left in the hands of uneducated hunters?" Henry choked in a shocked voice that had Cas's hackles going up. Adam slapped a hand over Henry's mouth.

"Don't even start," he warned with a glare. "Your fancy group of high-class scholars was gone, so the hunters had to pick up the slack or be wiped out along with you. Don't forget that two out of three of your grandsons were raised as hunters, and the only reason I wasn't is Mom put her foot down about letting me grow up a normal kid after the sperm donor found out I existed."

"A piece of paper isn't the sum of a person's education anyway," Sam spoke up from where he was drawing out the last chalk lines of the deceptively simple warding array on the floor. "And I say this as someone who graduated from Stanford. Hey, Adam. You made good time."

"Amazing what the threat of slaughter by demon will do for a person's motivation," Adam quipped back. Cas exchanged a glance with Jimmy. Looked like the flippantly morbid humor really was a Winchester trait rather than just a Sam and Dean trait. The forced lightness faded under a distinctly uncomfortable expression. "Sam... I'm so--"

"It's fine, Adam," Sam interrupted gently, finishing up the chalk line and getting to his feet. "It was fine then, and it's fine now. You wanted normal, and Dean and I understood that. Your choices deserve just as much respect as anyone else's, okay? Demons being rude and inconsiderate about respecting your choices is not on you."

"I probably shouldn't have tried burying my head in the sand, though," Adam muttered, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Damn right you shouldn't," Dean said as he came in carrying another box of plastic water guns from the back rooms. "Burying your head in the sand just makes it easier for some asshole demon to kick your ass."

"Says the retired hunter," Jimmy teased him, laughing when Dean flipped him off.

"Retired doesn't mean stupid!"

"It's going to be okay, Adam," Sam said as he crossed the room to stop in front of Adam and Henry, giving Cas his first clear look at the Winchester family resemblance between them. "You called for help, and you got both of you here in one piece. If you want to sit out the rest of this or just join the medical team on standby instead of playing bait for Abaddon, you can do that." He glanced at Henry and grimaced. "I'd offer something similar for you, but since you're the primary focus Abaddon is using to hunt..."

"I would rather not be shuffled off to the sidelines, if it's all the same to you," Henry said dryly, glancing around the room, his eyes lingering on the different ward schemes. "I assume you have some sort of plan?"

"Several, actually," Cas spoke up as he finished with his part of the ward schemes and came over to join them, feeling Jimmy do the same as they automatically took up flanking positions on either side of Sam. "Two primary plans, one for Abaddon and one for her minions, and a handful of contingency plans for when things go pear-shaped."

"Of course, if you'd rather not take the words of a couple of 'uneducated hunters'," Jimmy continued with a drolly unimpressed expression, "you can go talk to our adopted father, Bobby Singer. He's the one in charge of the Reformed Men of Letters since we didn't want the job."

"Easy, guys," Sam hummed, setting one hand on the nape of Cas's neck the way Cas knew he was also doing for Jimmy, and he felt some of the antsy jittering energy draining away. "The man's had a pretty stressful couple of days by his reckoning."

"No excuse not to be polite," Cas grumbled, though Sam had well and truly settled him. Fine, no fighting with the judgy, uptight researcher. He turned his attention to Adam. "Hi, I'm Cas Novak. We spoke on the phone."

"Nice to meet you," Adam said, more by rote than anything. He shook himself and added, "Okay, medical team. Might as well make myself and my training useful since I'm here."

"That's the spirit," Jimmy grinned, giving him a thumbs up. "C'mon, I'll introduce you to the med team, several of whom helped save my life a few years back. I'm Jimmy, by the way."

"I'll probably regret asking this, but saved your life?" Adam asked as Jimmy led him away. Cas tuned out Jimmy launching into a somewhat edited accounting of how he'd gotten shot in the chest, keeping his attention more on Henry as the time-traveler was starting to get a certain shaken look about him.

"You haven't accepted it yet, have you," he said after a moment, studying Henry. When the man's eyes snapped over to him, he clarified, "That you're stuck here, in the future. You won't be able to go back to nineteen-fifty-eight, because even if you can, you can't. The timeline's progressed too far. Too many lives hang in the balance, including all three of your grandsons. And there are way too many people who would readily admit they owe their lives to at least one or more of your grandsons, even if none of them would admit to a debt."

"You'll have time to grieve," Sam said in that gentle voice he always managed to pull out when someone needed the calm, solid rock of assurance that he could provide. "You and Josie both. You won't just be cut adrift to flounder around. But right now, it's time to set aside the grief for what you can't have and focus on what you can do. Josie's counting on you... and I just felt Abaddon trip the ward line on the city limits," he added, raising his voice to carry through the room.

Activity abruptly kicked into higher gear as people finished up their ward lines and got themselves into position. Cas caught sight of Ava and Andy sharing a complicated handshake before splitting up to conceal themselves on either side of the door. Sam moved to meet Dean half-way and mark a concealment glyph on his older brother's forehead. Cas saw Dean's form waver slightly as he stepped away and got into position. Beside him, Henry gasped.

"What... what's going on?" he asked, turning to Cas. "There was no spell I recognized... Where did he go?"

"Sam hid him," Cas answered. "Dean's your back-up where you'll be playing bait in the big obvious ward circle that hides all the smaller traps under it." He smirked faintly. "I guess we forgot to mention that your middle grandson also happens to be the most powerful natural witch on the West Coast. Our plan A? Sam rips Abaddon out of Josie and wipes the floor with her."

"Just like that?" Henry stared at Cas.

"Eh, she might fight," Cas admitted. "They usually do. But Sam's had practice taking out demons. So has Dean. The rest of us have our respective experiences, plus our faith in them to pull through. Especially Sam."

"And who is Sam to you?" Henry asked, frowning at Cas. Whoops, guess he hadn't been very subtle in his admiration.

"He's my husband," Cas said, smiling softly. "Mine and Jimmy's. Also our friend, and our partner, and the man who's saved our lives more than twice. He knows what he's doing. So chin up, huh? Show's about to start, and we don't want Abaddon to miss it!"

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for wanting to make my own decisions concerning my siblings future life?

I'll start by apologizing for my broken English, I'm not native to this language. I (26f) have 3 older siblings (30f, 32m and 34m), we all lived with my parents until this year. I've recently decided to move so that I can start to live with my boyfriend, this decision caused a huge fight which ended up in my mother making an impulse buy and deciding on a life for my siblings and me that I don't agree with.

I'll try to be succint here but I do think some background is necessary: all my siblings were born with severe mental disabilities and muscular dystrophy. While my country has public healthcare, their accomodations and appointments can very easily become a financial issue. For example, my parents house has been completely remodeled to fit their wheelchairs, they have had to partially pay for stairlifts and their cars are adapted to fit them and their wheelchairs too. They also require constant monitoring since they act and behave in the way of 5-8 year old kids.

My parents know (and knew back then too) that my siblings' conditions was hereditary and that trying for more children could lead to them being born this way. I've always had the feeling that they continued for more children solely because they wanted to have a 'healthy child' that took care of my oldest siblings and them when they were older. Even though I'm the youngest sibling I've always been treated like a third parent, I've always been expected to care for them like my parents do. Due to this, I've never gotten to enjoy my childhood, I never had time for friends, relationships or hobbies. Growing up like this also made me think about how I wanted my own life to be and I've thought about the future in a way that my parents will never approve of.

Last week I finally decided that I wanted to start living with my bf whom I've been dating for 2 years. When I told my parents they became very happy and congratulated me which made me very happy.

three days ago they offhandedly told me that my bf's garage door was too small to fit my siblings car and that we should start saving to fix his house's stairs so that my siblings' stairlift could be built. I was very confused and told them that my siblings would not be coming with me, their house can accomodate them just fine and my bf's house is way too small. They got very mad and told me that they had been caring for my siblings for a long time and now it was my turn to do it while they rested (they want to retire). I told them I deserved to have some intimacy and that I wanted to enjoy having a childless life for once. They told me that was very selfish of me since they have never been able of enjoying a no-children marriage (they had their first child very early on their marriage and have continued to have children until they had me). I told them that was their own decision, now it's only fair I get to make that kind of decision and it's not like I'm abandoning them, I will continue to help and visit constantly. They told me I was lazy and a terrible sister and daughter.

I cannot begin to explain how much of my siblings' raising was coparented by me, I've spent my entire life caring for them. I've missed up on friends, relationships, jod opportunities, etc. solely to continue to be their caretaker. As you can expect I was very mad but I still kept calm some more, I told them I love my sibligs a lot and would do anything for them but that I deserve to have my own life too. They continued to get even more mad and eventually told me they would disown me if I didn't allow for them to have a good retirement. I left before I could say something I would later regret.

Yesterday my parents apologized and told me I was right. Apparently they've been saving money for some time to help me take care of my siblings once they're gone. They want me to spend this money on a somewhat small one-floor house they have their eyes on, so that we can all live together at some point. I was very happy, I've always been under the impression that my parents expected me to 'deal' with my siblings (forgive my wording, I'm not sure what verb to use) on my own, so them having future plans involving me made me very pleased. However, today my mother called me and told me that she made an impulse buy and bought this house, here's the catch: she somehow looked at the numbers wrong and can only pay for a third of the house's actual price (this is a normal thing for her, she's not the cleverest person). She wants me to pay the rest (by taking out a mortage).

I have some money saved up, its not much since I can't work many hours due to spending most of my time helping my siblings. This money was always going to be used to care for my siblings. However, my plans have always been much different. In a nearby town there is a place that cares for people with disabilities. This place is expensive but it is very nice and it would cover all my siblings' needs. I want to register my siblings there. I love them, I really do, but I'm so tired. I want to have a life and make decisions for myself for once. I know my parents would hate this decision but they are not going to be around forever and then it'll only be me and my bf caring for them on a (actually very small) house having to deal with a mortage my parents can't help pay off. My siblings would probably be sad too but they will get used to this new place and its not like I'm going to leave them forever, I would visit them constantly. This place would probably genuinely take better care of them than me and would allow me to work more hours and earn more (which I desperatly need if I want to continue caring for them). While my siblings' government aid would help it is definetly not enough if I consider how many renovations the house will need and my sibligs' constant medical expenses. When I talked about my concerns with my parents they simply told me that all will be fine and didn't give me any substancial advice on how to deal with anything. I'm also simply not strong enough. They require constant monitoring, showering, dressing and moving them requires so much strength it often makes my body hurt and emotionally it takes a huge toll on me to come back from work to spend the rest of my time solely caring for them. We have nurses hired but it is expensive and mostly not enough.

I know my parents will forever hate me for this and I will make my siblings very stressed for some time, but they depend on me. They don't have much of a choice here which is why I think I am the asshole, Would I be the asshole if I cancelled the house purchase and left my siblings in my parents house for the foreseeable future? I want intimacy with my bf and to have my own life for some time, I would also continue to save to ensure my siblings receive the best treatment possible. I'm also not abandoning my parents nor my siblings, I will continue to visit, help financially, spent time with them and carry them to their appointments, just from a distance. Basically it would all be the same except, at the end of the day, I get to go home to my bf and spend some time for myself. At the same time, would I be the asshole if I decided to cancel the house purchase and instead opted to enter my siblings in a medical institution that can better suit their needs? my parents will never agree with my decision but they are getting older and weaker, soon they won't be able to help and then it will only be me. I know my siblings would prefer to be with me, I'm being selfish but, at the same, I think my plan may be the best one for everyone involved.

What are these acronyms?

[swaghaver69]

tweaking out on too much caffeine and rambling 😔

i used to share an apartment with a female coworker but it was a horrible situation. she would lie to me about having paid the rent and put me in situations where the day before we would have gotten evicted she would come to me asking me to cover her half of the rent after the lied about having paid it already, and then lie about what it was for on top of that. (i have documents that prove she was lying). she wouldn’t pay me back. she was extremely rude and passive aggressive to me. she would always have her boyfriend over 24/7 even when she wasn’t there (third roommate who didn’t pay rent basically.) and they would always scream at each other constantly to the point they got tons of noise complaints from all the neighbors and you could hear it from outside. and he would bunch holes in her doors. and despite her being horrible to me i would try to be nice and support her and try to get her out of the house and away from him but she would refuse and she would just go straight back to him. he was extremely sexist racist homophobic etc. and would make jokes about beating women attacking women etc. i found one of his ar-15 bullets in our shared apartment etc. and honestly it was a really fucked up situation bc i would be in my room while all of this was happening knowing i'm a small short girl and i've seen him break down doors before. i was always worried he might become violent towards me. i never saw him be directly physically violent to her but i still worried because of the way i grew up.

i ended up breaking the lease and they both hate me now but whatever. they ended up breaking up and living separately now and i worry for their new roommates with how horrible they treated me but yeah. also its awkward seeing them at work but fuck them.

but yeah when that all happened i like did not feel safe at all so i ended up having to crash on a male coworkers couch for a while to like not have to fear for my life. which is really fucking ironic because the whole reason i wanted a female apartment mate in the first place was to feel safer and freer but that didnt fucking happen lol. and i could never find another lady at work (i asked like all of them) who were looking to get an apartment with someone. so whenever the guy whose couch i was crashing on's lease got up i ended up just getting an apartment with him.

and for the most part it is better. there isnt yelling or violence here. i dont have to worry about being lied to about rent. it is more convenient to get to work this way since we just carpool because he's my coworker and its cool. but not to sound mean but it just feels soul crushing. i feel more depressed here than i was at the beginning of moving in with the old roommate before everything went to shit. i should technically feel happier but every day i just think about how to get out and look forward to the day i can get out. he is very nice but at the end of the day he is a guy and i just don't think i can stand sharing a place with a guy. it feels depressing and stifling.

i think getting a license and a car is a good first step to getting independence and liberating myself. and i have a decent amount saved for a car so that is good. but i also want to get my own place or at least a place with a woman roommate. this lease isnt up until october though. and also 1. i unfortunately don't have many female friends due to my workplace being 99% guys 2. the ones i do have have boyfriends or something that they would rather live with so it doesnt really work out. i could try to make more friends by going to bookclubs or jiu jitsu or something but that's kinda where the whole getting a car and being able to drive myself thing comes in.

i also at some point would really like trying to start to date women at some point but i always hold myself back and feel bad like i'm bothering them or something. like why would i bother a lady when i don't even have my life together or a way to drive myself or anything. like i wouldn't want to subject them to a male apartment mate either because i know i personally wouldnt like that. idk maybe im a pussy but i just keep putting that off because i dont really feel like i'm good enough for it currently.

and i constantly tell the guys who try to be interested in me to fuck off. and that i never want to be in a relationship with a man ever again after my ex and that i will never be their girlfriends or wives EVER. but they still cling to me in that way that nerdy virgin guys who never have any chance with any women whatsoever and only stay in their rooms and play video games 24/7 will cling to any girl who talks to them for 5 minutes and knows how to play minecraft. which is annoying but i am used to it and if that's one of the only ways i can make friends for the time being then so be it. i know they desperately want me to marry them or date them and like them and i both know it'll never happen but if i am nice they will drive me places which i kinda need to survive at the moment so it is what it is. but once that stops being the case? it will be so nice. i will stop having to care about keeping them happy or stifling myself to not offend them. and i know like maybe it sounds mean or like im bad towards them or whatever but 1. realistically they are the ones taking advantage of someone who is in a shitty disadvantaged situation due to their background. like these guys treat me like a sex object and i have to put up with it and bend over backwards to cater to their feelings just to be able to get around so. and 2. these guys like watch porn and are sexist so like fuck them who cares actually. they are lucky to be able to be around me in the first place respectfully.

so yeah maybe my current life situation is fucked. but hey! at least im not dating that guy i used to date for five fucking years! (fucking ew!) and at least now i refuse to ever date any man ever again. and i have more agency now than i did before i moved out even if i feel nervous about my life being somewhat precarious sometimes. i have access to money and medical care and can make more of my own decisions than i used to. and once i get thie license and car i will only have more agency and freedom to do what i want. and god if there is anything in my life i desperately need/want it is freedom. my therapist and i talk about this a lot but yeah.

it feels depressing sometimes thinking after all the things i did to get away from my old situation i still feel that i somewhat do not have complete control over my life or the ability do what i want. but i am ultimately moving in the right direction no matter how slow and frustrating it feels! i will be free eventually! i will get a car and a pet cat and a pet tarantula and a gf and be free to do all the creative things i want to do! and i will sign back up for college classes and pursue med school again! and put my life back on track to how it was before those five years of wasted time and regret (i know no time is ever truly wasted because at least now ive learned i hate it and i never want to go back but still.) i can and will have a bright future if i have to scrape and claw for it. things will get better. d

[loveniiadjei]

I was feeling irritated before I logged in...I still am. I paid my rent today. I pay every two weeks. Feels like I can't save up the way I want to. Cause I have to buy food and sometimes I call a ride to get to work. Usually I walk. I alternate between 4 shoes that I own. One was bought for me while in Florida. Two were given to me as a donation from a random stranger that was shopping at my job. The last was given to me by bro. Mickle as a gift. I hope he's doing ok. Sad to hear about his medical condition that happened. I find myself always visiting certain memories all the time....and I know thats probably what causes different emotions to surge through me... I'm not bi polar never knew myself to be. Never took any tests or had to be prescribed medicine of the sort...but the lack of support from my family being that I dont see them or we don't live together is one thing....but I guess im basing that expectation off of when I lived in marietta and seen a fully grown man still living with his mother....if they really are related. No. they are. I believe that. Still I'm upset because before the pandemic...it felt like I was at a peak in my progress in life. Had a car, was living on my own. had someone I was dating. though I made some terrible choices along the way. I think the worst mistake was either putting my heart all the way with Zouwa or leaving Alexis. Honestly fuck all of that. When I was young....not to young but young. The person who had a place in my mind a lot was jasmine lol. She had a lot in common about what we would talk about. But I also think sometimes my mind is just up in the air and the things thats running through it is just out and about for people to see. Starting to hate the internet. No homage to childish Gambino.

I'm also thinking about getting a necklace again. But the truth is that I want to save. I just dont know what I'm saving towards. and if by chance something was to put me in jail again. I think I would be in there for good. and I dont want to be there. I really dont. but why do I feel so like im in a seesaw state all the time. just constantly happy and angry. its like those are the only emotions im feeling most of the time. Rarely get sad anymore...I guess my heart isn't the same. feeling like my life is being pulled by the strings and my choices are inspired by my past. Is that wisdom or is that over stimulation? I dont know. Something that I would like to know tho is does sex change the structure of our emotions and our ability to connect. Because the times that I have had sex in this life I gradually feel like quitting...and idk if thats love or if thats just my mindset on something thats supposed to be Given to us by god.

I should be grateful though. Last year I moved to Florida off of Corey's suggestion that I can stay with him and he'll help me get back on my feet since I lost a lot of my documentation to work...now I'm back in Georgia through terry's help and I'm living in a TP after moving from that house that I was staying in with my mom and dad. I mean I have my neccessities... a roof over my head....a bed... water...fire...I've got a few clothes on my back. But it feels like im living in a world thats just not one I'm supposed to be in.

Like I haven't been to Ghana in a really long time....and I blame myself for that....but I also have a lot of animosity towards my dad over the things I remember over the years or my childhood. IDK. maybe I dont know to much about him and its best that it stays that way. But there is something or someone in my life that I feel doesn't bring me energy but only irritability. Maybe I should accept that somethings about myself I won't be able to change, but I do hope that I can let some people in my life go from my mind. Because the more I spend each year doing things that goes against how I was raised I/e celebrating my birthday or not reading...I'm finding myself just going along with the energy that I'm picking up from being nervous around others just because of how I am in private....and Its making me feel weak. Weak enough to the point that I May fail in just trying to be happy and in a family. not really family but being strong and having a better heart. IDK

Take Care

[angelbluediary]

It's Tuesday and I'm already over the new routines at home.

M now wakes me up before the crack of dawn to get ready in our room. It would be annoying but tolerable if I didn't have anything to do or anywhere to go, but...

He mentioned at dinner that he felt bad and my dad jumped in saying it was fine because I was going to do the same thing to him when I got in from work late at night. At the time I just laughed and said, "oh yeah!" and we joked about payback. But of course now, like every other time, I can't help but brood over how there is no comparison.

Technically, M could just... pick his outfit out at night and get dressed in the bathroom, since that's all he does in the bedroom anyway? (can't suggest such a thing when it's HIS room) -- Meanwhile I have no choice but to go through the front door and down the hall.

And unlike M, I won't be switching on the lamp two feet away from his face and rummaging around in drawers. I'll just be tiptoeing by as quietly as I can.

And also unlike M, my late night entrance might make Willow move around and whine in her crate, but she's still in the den, across the dining room, from where M sleeps in the living room. Whereas his early morning entrance into our bedroom makes Ginger talk and sing and yell nonstop and jump all over me excited to start the day.

And unlike M who's on a reliable schedule, my sleep schedule is going to be a manic haze all over the place and I'll be trying to get rest when I can.

So no. It's not the same thing. Nevermind that M seems to fall asleep much, much easier than I do these days and STAY asleep. Now my routines here are going to mirror my time at Haven Pointe (PTSD flashbacks) where I was woken up all through the night and just about lost my sanity. At least there I had my own personal space.

I am so eager to get my own place again. I'm not so eager to live paycheck to paycheck but I am going to have to sacrifice one thing or another, my mental peace or my financial gains. UGH.

I've started a budgeting system that I'll adjust once I start getting paychecks and see what the average is, but I should be able to save $5k by January even while paying my parents back a good chunk ($200-300) of my car payment each month--so long as I don't splurge too much.

I would also like to do a yard sale or something (I know my mom wants to) and try to get rid of a bunch of stuff I don't need anymore, like my pretty green comforter set. Do people buy used comforters? Idk. It's really nice-looking but too warm for my liking, not that delicious "cold in summer, warm in winter" fluffy comforter feeling I want so bad.

I could sell books... clothes... shoes! Yeah, this needs to happen, but everyone is so tired all the time from work now and soon I'll probably be just like them.

Anyway, today is my first day at work! I go in at 3 pm. Yippeeee.

[strides-rants]

Using this blog as a venting place now

I feel like a dog. Less than one.

I'm given treats when I help watch the pets and I'm occasionally given clothes or a twenty when my parents want me to go hang out.

But I feel like a dog. When was the last time I was taken to a doctor for a routine check up? 2019. Junior year of high school. Even then, I was never taken to a nutritionist or anything, despite apparently being at risk for diabetes. Had my bloodwork done in 2017. Never got told more than I was at risk.

My underbite scratches away at my top canines. I might not have them in 6 years. The only doctors I see semi-consistently anymore are my dentist and my optometrist, though even then these glasses are from 3 years ago. My dentist tried to help me out, gave me a number to get some new braces, maybe save my teeth before they need to be replaced. My dad called it a scam, a waste of money, and the paper with the number is now gone.

But the food is good! And at least I'm not homeless! Sure, my mom tried to guilt me into staying in a bad relationship by saying that friend might cut themselves again if I stopped. And sure, I almost killed myself thinking about that. And sure, my mom tries harder to invalidate my gender than she ever has tried to get it right. And sure, my dad's prone to explosive bouts of shouting before listening to people, doing it to the dogs and to me.

But I'm just like the dogs, right? I just need to be happy that I even get to exist under this roof. I don't pay rent, or groceries! Can I even complain? I'm the one who didn't learn to drive! I'm the one who should've known to have an ID! I'm the one who should have a degree by now! Who cares that I never learned because the school was an entire county away? Or that I didn't want to trouble my siblings or my mom with waking up even earlier? Who cares that I was never once told why I needed an ID? I'm autistic! I was practically an adult when I was five! Who cares that I started college in the middle of a pandemic? Or that I wasted high school only ever thinking of being able to live after college? Or that my suicidal thoughts trace back to that damned school? Before high school, when my best friend sexually assaulted me, with none of the adults coming to help! Who fucking cares?

I'm just like the dogs. How long until the new ones stop getting taken to the vet, like the old ones? Those poor old dogs, they hadn't been to the doctor since I was in high school. They're scared of cars just like me. Maybe that's why my life is like this.

I hold on for dear life, because I know I have friends who love me. Who might get me out of here. But until then, smile on, girl! Respond to the deadname. You're just your mother's son. You'll never be anything else.

And when your chance to leave comes, fly away. Never look back. And remind them all of the words that burned the bridge. "You know she's a cutter, right?"

[spaceageloveblog]

"I hate the rhythm of our lives these days."

There was a time in our lives we honestly thought we'd be able to afford a beach condo some day.

I'm at the point I'm ready to go scorched earth on our budget. Like turn off 401k contributions, forgoing the 6% match, turn off the automatic 529 contributions for the kids, not spending any money in restaurants, not spending any money on anything fun or extraneous until we get our emergency savings funded and our 2 car loans paid off and a 3rd car purchased for our oldest who turns 16 in June.

I don't know how to talk to her about it.

My head wants to say look at the money we make, her and our combined after-tax 4 monthly paychecks if annualized works out to top 20% income in the US if they were pre-tax. And if you deducted 15% savings from that and health insurance, then calculated taxes off what was left, our current mortgage (plus homeowners insurance and property tax) is less than 25% of that, within the conventional wisdom rule of thumb. Then we should be able to live on the rest comfortably. But it's worse than that. Because that doesn't account for 3-pay months and bonuses. But it's worse than that. Because these are after-tax numbers and if we convert them to pre-tax, we are easily in the top 10% of income, maybe 5%.

These numbers floor me, wake me up, make me think the promotion I'm chasing down at work can't be the answer to all our money problems because we should be able to live on what we make now.

But I don't think these numbers, using that approach, would mean anything to her.

Last month I reconciled our budget and spending daily, desperate to get us to live within our means, and make a symbolic effort of putting $100 toward our underfunded emergency savings fund we dipped into in 2021 for non-emergencies and have slowly depleted since then. And I did finagle our way there for October, admittedly pushing some spend off a month. But then November is here and expenses are up and I can't get the numbers to work.

I did tell her that made me sad. She didn't like me being sad about that. She texted me later that day from work, asking if we'd be OK. I responded yes. So hopefully she is primed for this conversation.

I just want to be able to breath.

I am tired of not doing the things we want to do. Summer of 2024 we will not be doing Europe, our momentarily reimagined 2020 Spain trip that was canceled due to the pandemic. How were able to afford Spain, she'll ask. Our monthly expenses were honestly $3k or $4k less then, difficult to believe, but true. She saw the numbers that a 2024 European trip would cost and knows it's not possible, maybe bring that up would work.

What about 2025, the summer before our oldest starts his senior year of high school, that was supposed to be a trip. What about the World Cup in 2026. What about any interesting and fun things that pop up. What about a beach condo.

We need to sacrifice now. We can't afford our dreams.

Right now we are treading water. Each decision feels a referendum on our entire budget. I don't want to live this way.

But then I talk to her about it and she sort of agrees and things might be happening.