#signed a mom who is psyching myself up

[themirokai]

Teeth are so fucking weird. They are bones that fall out of your head when you’re a kid and it’s supposed to happen.

Of course we came up with the tooth fairy to make that experience a little more magical and rewarding.

[tragically-jane-doe]

It's just easier if I compile all my screaming for this episode in one post so I don't flood the tag I'm srry

Rewatching it now cause a lot of my squealing and overwhelmedness made me miss some stuff

Love how she just camped out next to him all night

Oh fuck my wife is 406 fuck to

At least he knows she's kinda being threatened by the og 406

He's not okay I repeat he's not okay this is not a drill

Baby girl(sa-eon) is having a lil tiny bit of a nervous breakdown

OH NO HEE-JOO BEING HOT AND AND CONFIDENT

Even angry this man doesn't know how to stop being obsessed with her

"I forgive you for your wrong doings" my boy is this you saying it to her or asking her for her forgiveness cause lemme say I think you have a touch more wrong doings that her she's only harassed you a bit on the phone

THE PSYCHOPATH BOY IS THE OG SAEON ISNT HE oh no dead fishies

Is it impossible to change innate temperament? Oh girl oh sweet mama there's so much trauma there

In-a I can't tell if your gonna be a villain or someone is hee-joo corner?? Like I hope she's not a villain cause it'd be nice for hee-joo to have another person who cares about her but by God if she isn't a villain she's clumsy ASF in regards to hee-joo?

God how it pains me that still no one learnt sign language for her not her mother not her sister who was fucking deaf even not her husband (until recently but really he had so long to do so) idk much about her step dad? He's only rlly been shown talking like 4ish times he's gonna have his moment soon I'm sure from what I've seen he doesn't suck totally? Idk I'm going crazy here

Anyways GO OFF HEE-JOO

In-a dress fucking rocks thou it's so pretty

Mr snoopy over her holding garters "hee-joo is into this kinda thing"

oh my prolonged eye contact

Sa-eon knows zero chill ever

Sa-eon over here playing 4D chess

Oh so he's just been obsessed for like 20 years and started his stalking profession early

Hee-joo just casually outing herself "you didn't care whether I lived or died or whether I was by your side, until now" girly pop I love you but God are you clumsy

AND HE JUST IGNORES HER SLIP? Sa-eon just continues on with the 406 name dear god

Kay I know hee-joo mom is off but is the step dad? Is he I can't tell and it's driving me nutters

She really went actions are louder than words and he fucking acted

He's keeping her fed under the guise of buying the office lunch

No one is safe from this mans jealousy

I Love his death stares

Fuck his coffee take this cute juice with a heart on it babe

OH yeah there's a b plot I love this duo so much they're so cute together they're personalities compliment each other's so well!

Oh sang-woo you absolute fucking babe

Sa-eon is that you as a child dear do you have a twin brother is that what's happening rn is your twin brother trying to ruin you honey?

Oh nooo whatever shall I do my pretty wife has fallen asleep and she now rest her head upon me oh woo is me

Jesus Christ his hands

"is this how I get caught?" GIRL AT THE START YOU FUCKING SAID I LAST PHONE CALL HE KNOWS THAT ITS YOU, YOU OUTED YOUR SELF GODDAMN

Mr.Kang I love you so much your my favorite

His wiggle song I love it

HE LOVES HIS WIFE SO MUCH SA-EON IS OVER HERE TAKING NOTES

Mr.Kang is all of us my man youve been married three years and you show no affection

Nothing bad can ever happen to Mr.Kang l

NO ONE IS SAFE FROM THIS MANS JEALOUSY

Mr I can totally jump rope (falls on his face) and Mrs follow me and copy (proceeds to be the best ever) I love him psyching himself up the lil jumps

Mr Let me prove myself to you by showing you how good I am at this jump rope thi- hey are you even listening to me I'm trying to profess my love rn

Only a k drama could get me kicking my feet giggling over two ppl jump roping

No but this photo is every thing

Mr.Kang defending his mans HES A MARRIED MAN HE HAS HONOR DAMNIT

Okay wait is? I can't remember his name but sa-eon like right hand man all dressed in black? Did he? Did he push hee-joo? Cause the lil flash back showed someone wearing black pushing her and he was pretty close to where she was standing? is he gonna be a red herring or possibly in cahoots with the baddie?

why in the hell did she bring 406 on her lil retreat?

"Hong hee-joo I mean 406" love how he's playing the game

"you said to call when there's a corpse, come take her" my man sa-eon looks fucking wrecked by that

HE PACKED HER BAG FOR HER!

Only truths he's abiding by what she saiddddd

HES SO IN LOVE WITH HER

He just wants to take care of her fuck

THE FLARE HOLY SHIT SIR HE LOOKS SO RELIEVED

The previews my dudes! No wait him still doing the phone calls just to talk to her cause jts easier for her to speak like that 🥺

Why you gotta do this to me

"I like you" sa-eon you mispronounced I'm obsessed with you

[staycalmandhugaclone]

Trying to psych myself up to prepare for an interview with the EEOC regarding discrimination from my previous employer (new mom stuff). It happened way back in May- July, but this was the soonest the EEOC could see me (definitely a good sign for the state of this country...)

I documented EVERYTHING thoroughly, with screenshots and all, but I have to go back through it now, so it's fresh in my head for the interview, which means reliving all that crap... Meanwhile, pretty sure my tiny human is ill, got no sleep last night, and my hubby's at work so I have to figure out how to juggle said sick bb while dealing with the discrimination case.

Who wants to grab a coffee with me?

[dy-mph-na]

Hello...! This is my first post on here so ill give you all a little summary of who I am and what my goals are on this platform

I have been through a lot so its very easy to connect with different people on different topics- currently I am in the process of separating myself from a toxic family and really have nobody and nothing other than my mind and a dream. My dream is to help others who have or are struggling like I had to through my voice & writing!

I am a Munchausen syndrome by proxy victim which my mother worked in the emergency room as a nurse and she had a very good reputation... The cops of the town we lived in also went to school with her and had known her their entire life so would come whenever she called. She fabricated many MENTAL illnesses onto me and made claims that were either exaggerated truths or just flat out lies and it was easy for her to continuously get me institutionalized as a teenager because of her job and status. Evidently she would take me into HER WORKPLACE... This is more common than you think and because its not just physical its a complete mind warp. The continuous isolation and gaslighting can convince you and everyone around you that you are severely mentally unwell; even if that is not the case.

I became homeless on my 21st birthday and I am still homeless. I was trying to go to a monastery just to get away from my mom and to gain wisdom on a few things so I can help others have a voice. I was staying with an aunt who is very close to my mother and they both were plotting to get me institutionalized or put in jail which absolutely did not work; this had happened with a close friend of my moms too. Both times the cops actually helped me and gave me a ride they believed me for once. Shortly after this I realized one thing: they definitely knew and were in on it but I am still unable to decipher the reasoning. Especially with her friend; they wanted me to keep retelling my trauma yet would invalidate me when I would, kept looking for a reaction out of me similar to my aunt what makes it more confusing is that all of these women are nurses.

My mother was a single mother and my dad was an absent drug addict; I have actually reconnected with my father recently because I had a gut feeling that he was not doing good- I found him intuitively through a Jewish rabbi and it turned out he was in the hospital getting an amputation and open heart surgery. He now is focused on getting sober which has me ecstatic. I believe I have some healing gifts or psychic gifts because when I was in the psych wards many times they would have me go down to the geriatric unit and counsel the elderly. I have a lot of stories from these times that are sort of surreal when I look back at it now.

Another point of psychic gifts; after the cops picked me up and gave me a ride from my moms friends house (my mom was trying to force me to take a flight back home keep in mind this was right before hurricane Milton as well and I was waiting for an Uber to the airport) I had my icons out on the table and prayed to god "show me a sign its not safe to go home yet" and the Jesus prayer and a fire actually started in the restaurant I was sitting outside of; to make matters even more prominent the Uber driver arrived at the wrong address and was really late. I took this as a sign to not go home.

I grew up as a big kid and got picked on and bullied a lot but I have lost about 100 lbs the past year so yay.

I moved from the north to the south as a teen I actually even moved in with a LDR boyfriend at 16 which definitely was a mistake but it gave me a chance to feel like a "normal" teenager who didn't have to worry about her mother sending her away again for minor inconveniences.

I want to be a singer eventually or at least be on stage so I can spread my message and help others. I yearn to be seen because I have spent a lot of time isolated and hidden.

I should add my first hospitalization was definitely warranted as I had started self harming during my emo phase in middle school. My mom just got very comfortable with it and used DARVO & triangulation methods on me making it very hard to prove my innocence. All the doctors need is a "feeling" that the person is unwell which my mom would make sure to plant false truths their brains for a few weeks before taking me.

I am heavily into Orthodox Christianity and consider myself and God to be pretty tight. I am very devout and it has helped me in all aspects in my life. I never realized HOW POWERFUL he was until all of these lessons. I was trapped and convinced I was crazy now I am free, healing and ready to help others. I guess I am not the perfect Christian but nobody is.

I love cigarettes and I smoke weed sometimes but I try to be good to others and really embrace humility. "I am just a soul whose intentions are gooood oh lord please don't let me be misunderstood..."

I spend most of my time alone because this is what I have been used to my whole life; I think and I write and I try to live life like its a movie even when I am alone. I am grateful for everything even the grass under my feet. There were times when I wasn't even allowed outside; I am a survivor and not a victim.

[samuelroukin]

Okay fuck it, team Roach, the 006 to the 141's 007, is roughly:

Roach: Captain Sanderson. Very soft spoken, stuck with extreme baby face despite being a hardened combat vet, tremendously calm, rational and easy going even when being shot at. Very reasonable and inhuman levels of stealthy. Never raises his voice, which is often Worse. He's not really sure how he got here but he is unfortunately Very Good at This. Which is both leadership and Warfare. In his heart of hearts he just wants to be chilling on a pool floatie with a beer in hand but Alas.

His Second in Command: Handsome, Polite, Charming and Clinically Insane. As in they are 100% fudging this man's psych evals. He seems easy going and fun but this man is basically a monster, he is the type that signed up to kill people and not go to jail. Graves but Worse. He's only technically a Hero because Roach is holding his leash but. Seriously he seems fine until you're alone in an enclosed space with him and your lizard brain sends up a panic alarm akin to being trapped in an elevator with a lion. The more he talks the more you realize he... doesn't live in the real world. For Reasons Unknown Roach is pretty much the only one that does actually have a collar on him. He Gets Real Weird and Jealous over Ghost when they finally meet.

Tex: Your Killing Machine Has Anxiety. Possibly the world's best sniper and a true mathematical genius, who has next to no social skills, the legacy of a childhood stutter and growing up in a Very Rural Isolated area. Excellent at taking directions but it's hard to not pin a kick me sign on him despite him being, objectively, a very dangerous guy. A lot of people assume he's Like That because of warfare/soldiers get strange/ptsd etc. No he was always Weird, he is definitely Undiagnosed Neurodivergent, but so is his whole family. A Cheetah in search of a Dog in his Pen. Hypercompetent in the field, who let you out of your cage otherwise.

Doc: World's Bitterest Medic. Loves humanity as a concept and truly believes in medicine as a science dedicated to the betterment of life and wellbeing. Also Hates Every Single Human Being he has ever come across. Extreme Pissed of Mom Who Says Get Your Ass Down Here Now Or I Will Beat You to Death Myself energy. Means he generally keeps them in line socially as well as the Angry Mom Friend so Tex generally hides behind him. He grumbles but he secretly kind of loves it. Unfortunately, these Idiots are *his* idiots. You are Stupid and Embarassing and he Will Run Out Under Heavy Fire to Save You at the risk of his own life. Running in joke is "does the life threatening wound hurt enough to subject yourself to his bedside manner?" Absolutely terrible taste in music he subjects them all to.

There are at least one or two more guys in this train wreck but these are the mains. Unsurprisingly something this disfunction works out horribly well and they are incredibly effective. Tired Dad Energy Roach vs You Should Have Gone Before We Left Mom Medic plus Their Frail Victorian Son of a Sniper plus I Will Kill For You Please Ask Me To Kill For You and Give Me Attention 2IC means this shit is actually A OK by the brass.

lmao didn't you just say you put no thought into them? these guys are far more developed than my ocs, give yourself some credit! they all sound great and like i said i already love tex and doc but uh HI second in command 👀

[someone-called-efg]

everything i know so far regarding religion and my experiences (big post with a lot of words and some pictures too. i tried doing the image id thing so hopefully i explained it all alright) skip at your own discretion

so, for everything ive made either a comic or drawing, then i'll explain what happened a little more underneath.

~~~

first and foremost before i start, so were on the same page, visits to heaven can occur during the time someone is asleep. this could even happen to you if you see in your dream a recently passed relative (or any passed away relative in general but for the most part it happens when the passing is recent and goodbyes didnt happen for one reason or another) and if it hasnt happened to you personally yet, you probably know someone who's experienced a visit.

with that out of the way, lets get started

---

{ image id: an 8 panel comic. 1st panel shows myself with two others sat around a table, as i joke "God, if this is a sin, strike me down". 2nd panel simply says * later that night * . 3rd panel is in 1st person perspective of me in my dream, opening a door. 4th panel shows that behind the door from panel 3 that God is there floating, his hair/beard flowing into the cloud his head is casually floating on in the middle of the room. 5th panel simply shows a lighting bolt. 6th panel shows me falling through the floor. 7th panel shows me waking up in a state of panic. 8th panel simply says: TLDR: If you call upon him, he'll answer. end id }

this is a comic regarding my first visit. at the time irl i was considering becoming an atheist, so this put a solid halt in that. the reason both people with my in the 1st panel dont really have any defining features is because i was at a psych ward at the time for wanting to unalive, and they make you sign nda's there soo, thats the best i got. in the dream/visit itself i was at home, opening the door from the living room to the porch. and God wasnt just there waiting, they kinda came through the ceiling without breaking it. dont ask me how cuz even i dont know.

---

{ image id: another 8 panel comic so here goes more typing yippee! 1st panel shows God from the side, simply saying "So". 2nd comic shows God turning forward, asking "Are you alright?", as though finishing what they were saying in the 1st panel. 3rd panel shows God an i sat on a couch, and while God looks normal sized, i look tiny by comparison, showing basically the setting. 4th panel is a zoom in on me as i rub the back of my neck, saying "i mean ...". 5th panel simply tldr's what happens as i * proceeds to vent ... a lot * . 6th panel shows God saying nothing, but, they * listens to every word * . 7th panel shows me, clearly upset from venting so much, but also now parched, as i tell God "I'm sorry, I've been talking so much, my throat got dry. Do you have anything I could drink?". 8th panel shows God from the side, for the first time smiling as they say "Of course" and a fridge magically appears at opposite from where i am in comparison to them. end id }

so, not even i really knew what all happened until years lated when i asked God if that visit was a therapy session because all i remembered upon waking up after is the last two panels and afterwards, when my mom and step dad came and told me that the year for earth was 2077 and that the north pole was a desert, then we went and had a mini feast with relatives (and maybe ancestors? idk, there was a fair lot of people and i didnt recognize a lot of them so maybe?) , then i woke up. and if youre going to ask why gods eyes arent visible in this comic when they were visible in that last one, at the time of drawing this comic in particular i didnt feel deserving of him looking at me and smiling, cuz lets face it, were all a bunch of sinners here all trying to do good at least. but at the time if i remember right i had a caffeine addiction to the point i needed 8 coffee/monster energy to get me through the day (4 in the morning + 4 in the afternoon), i since went cold turkey against both.

---

{image id : a 4 panel comic because i finally learned my lesson so i dont have to type as much pog! 1st pannel shows myself and my brother (ftm) stood in Gods temple, and i casually ask "Hey, so, can I reincarnate?". 2nd panel shows god towering over both of us easily, their response is a smile with a "Yeah, sure" as they hold something glowing in their hand that i look into. 3rd panel is glitchy, as it shows a child 1st person perspective, the child is looking down, admittedly a bit overwhelmed while saying "mom, i memember my last life". 4th panel is glitchy as well, this time showing the vague image of a woman reaching out her hand presumably to the child, asking "what do you remember?". end id }

so, for a bit of context, the dream/visit didnt start out like that. it actually started at my great aunts house (who at the time was still alive but died very soon after) it wasnt her house when she was alive, but rather, her house in heaven. my godmother was also there, and i was helping her to remember how to fly because she had forgotten the lesson. so, in total there were 4 people there (my great aunt, my godmother, my brother, and myself) and mid way through me teaching how to fly, another of my brothers teleported into the room and just casually took a seat. after the lesson we went outside and walked around my great aunts heaven house, and when we walked a little ways away there was some kinda conflict, and i simply prayed and the conflict was over within under 10 secs. then as the group of my relatives and i went walking back to my great aunts house, i mentioned to my brother my thoughts of asking to reincarnate soon, and he says to me "why not go right now" and i agree, so we teleported to Gods temple and thats where the comic picks up at. what this told me is that being lgbtqia+ isnt a deadly sin, so any member of the rainbow community isnt going to hell for simply being lgbtqia+, which i see as an absolute win.

~~~

thats the most i got for when it comes to visits, which occur when someone's asleep. but, now, its time to go over a couple visions ive had (and no im not gonna talk about when i died cuz that would be 3 posts in a row, so if you wanna see any of that just check it in your own time) because its just visions, i didnt make comics, but just drawings, which, comics are drawings sure, but not all drawings are comics. and, so i stop rambling, lets get started.

---

{ image id : the great flood. as a man drowns under the fermanent from the quickly rising water level, his soul is outside the fermanent, walking up alongside his dying body, unable to help and can only comfort his souless body by watching it slowly unalive. end id }

when i saw this, i honestly saw at least a dozen others doing this too, i also watched who i could only assume was some past incarnation of myself succumb to the same fate. and for those wondering how a soul can be out when the body is clearly still alive, well, 24 hours before someone dies, their soul's already passed on to the afterlife. where the saying 'dead man walking' comes from, because for those 24 hours, the person's already dead, the rest of the world just doesn't know yet.

---

{ image id : the battle at the end of the world. vegetation is barren from the hills as a giant serpent with black scales and glowing yellow eyes makes its way through the landscape. two angels stand in the foreground, aiming their swords to the heavens, causing a pillar of light thats base covers the two. in the distance, the sky is crimson and the clouds are dark grey almost black. end id }

so. also worth mentioning that when i looked to either side of me, there were armies of God all ready for the greatest battle and ready to take part. needless to say it was overwhelming for a lot of reasons.

~~~

so, thats all really. i could get into the couple times i saw the son of God in visits, but the first time was me in a back room with boxes and he was running by and seemed to be busy and i didnt wanna bother him because of that so i didnt say anything, and the second time we were at this park near my childhood home and i asked him if him and adam are technically in a way brothers and we both ended up laughing causing me to wake up.

~~~

from all this i understand that theres stuff im not allowed to know of my visits for one reason or another, and i kinda figure its so i dont cheat at life. because if i had all the answers, than how else is life supposed to test me.

earth is a school after all, and i at least want my place earned on Gods fridge with a magnet hopefully 🤞

[reinemichele]

I didn't post about it at the time bc I was in Such horrendous pain from periods and migraines

(TLDR the birth control I was on had switched manufacturers and it turned my mental health into the dictionary definition of "female hysteria", so to avoid checking myself into a psych ward I stopped taking it, and the au naturale amount of pain my uterus inflicted on me was So, So Much. At one point the sound of my own whimpering woke me up and I realized I'd been sobbing in my sleep, and my mom basically insisted that I take one of her painkillers. I didn't want to, as addiction runs in the family, and I had hallucinations, but I did get a couple hours of peace. My original intent making an appointment with my gyno was to just ask for a different pill, but at the appointment I was running on 2 hours of sleep and hedged my luck by asking for a hysterectomy, after having mostly given up after being told "no, I would not give you a hysterectomy unless you were in your 40's and already had kids" by every doctor I'd previously asked)

that I was living like a zombie, struggling to sleep and needing to use 2 heating pads for hours at a time, and could barely be on social media at all. But when my gynecologist agreed to give me ✨the long sought after hysterectomy✨ he apologized profusely and said that he couldn't do it laparoscopically (I assume he, being in his 60's or 70's and born and raised in this horrible little one-horse farm town, wasn't trained to use the machinery?) and that normally he would offer to refer me to a different doctor who Could do it laparoscopically, but he really didn't think any other gynecologist would agree to perform a hysterectomy on a 23 yr old. He said he'd try to make the incision scar as small as possible and below my bikini line, because he knew that a lot of patients became self-conscious of their scars.

My mom's reaction was like, the Miette copypasta. "You're going to CUT OPEN my BABY with COLD STEEL and LEAVE A SCAR?!"

(My mom is deathly afraid of surgery; it wasn't entirely her overprotectiveness that contributed to this reaction. She even really really loved this doctor because she used to work in the building across from his office, and they'd chat in the parking lot, so she'd spent years telling me I should try him. I was sitting there like, why are you getting cold feet about this now? 😭)

My reaction, though, was to say, "Oh, no no, I would love a scar! It'll be a reminder that I overcame all those years of pain that my body put me through! That's perfectly fine with me :) <3" . I Wanted to ask him to make the incision as big as it reasonably needed to be and on my stomach instead of my bikini line (so I could show it off to people . obvi . ), but I was already asking him to sterilize a 23 yr old, and I was pretty afraid that if I said too many weird things, that he might walk back his decision or decide I needed a psych eval before the surgery. I wanted that mf out of my body since I was 10, I didn't want to postpone the surgery or jeopardize my chances of this happening, so I was Trying to be Chill. Not an easy thing for me, you understand.

My mom was like, you can get a tattoo of a scar! You don't need actual abdominal surgery to achieve it!"

I was like yes I do <3 and signed the consent paperwork, had the necessary ultrasound and bloodwork and covid test to be cleared for surgery. And my scar has unfortunately faded a lot over the last 3 years, bc my doctor did keep his word of making the incision small (which was very very thoughtful of him, just like not what my bonked brain wanted) but it's still a little red in the center and the skin still feels raised across the line.

My main point in posting all this is that with top/bottom surgery, the scars are basically non-negotiable, compared to a hysterectomy having the option of being done through laparoscopy. I don't really think I want top or bottom surgery personally, but I like to think that all of us who get any type of gender-affirming surgery (which my hysterectomy partially was; it eliminated so much dysphoria. The pain was just the top reason I wanted it, and allowed me to avoid coming out as trans in my very conservative state/conservative small town within this terrible state) feel our surgery scars and feel happy and at peace from them <3 Love and peace on planet earth, etc.

(I did do a write up on my surgery a few days after I got out of the hospital that you could read if you want, but it's pretty TMI, like discussing catheters, bc I mainly wrote it for close friends who'd been worrying about me in the 4 days I wasn't really online from the pain, so read at your own risk. You can also see my face in it. I updated it a bit now to fix some pain-induced typos from 2021.)

[spraklecat]

I fucking HATE the depression narrative now that I was was fed that it was something ideopathic and incurable for SIX+ YEARS and that all there were were unreliable meds and positive self-talk to do doodly shit about. I didn’t seek help because it seemed useless and a waste of money, it wasn’t fear of stigma or anything. I just saw myself as inescapably terminally online and on an neverending path to decay.

Turns out I had fucking ADHD and my issue is I don’t function in non-structured environments and my problems weren’t all unrelated personal flaws. AND THAT’S SOMETHING ACTUALLY CHEMICALLY FUCKING TREATABLE. I never even considered it until I said something about my mom thinking I had it offhand and actually scored pretty high on a quick questionnaire from the psych. Who I only went to because I was at the point where life wasn’t worth living and I was just like “fuck it whatever nothing else is working may as well at this point”. On one hand I’m so relieved I do have it and there is a fixable reason for my problems because it’s the only thing that’s given me hope in years. I was terrified the test was going yo be negative because I’d be back at square zero and already had my hopes up and then shattered. On the other hand, I fucking hate that it was treated as an excuse to throw drugs at annoying kids as long as long as I lived, in the best case it was treated as something everyone finds relatable online but you probably don’t have and you’re just phone fried. If I’d known I did have actual signs of it since childhood I wouldn’t have been to quick to brush it off as screen addiction.

Well anyways, if anyone reading this is terminally online and considered lazy, forgetful, perpetually late, and can’t get anything done, well… maybe look into this sooner rather than later.

[caffeinated-rants]

I'm just... so fucking done.

I'm losing inspiration to work on anything. Am I going to quit, no I'm not.... but its just too hard to focus on anything that I actually want to put effort into right now...

Just when it looked like we were done doing mandatory overtime at work, someone is going to be "out for a while" and it resumes. No rest even after the bullshit of short staffing and ridiculous holiday drama...

I'm exhausted. I am at my limit. All I want to do is sleep because I'm that exhausted, but if I give in to the need to sleep then I risk throwing off my whole sleep cycle and making my body think it needs more sleep than it truly does (which it does need a lot, don't get me wrong).

I have had two stress-induced anxiety attacks just in the latter half of December. Yeah, shit gets busy during the holidays. That's a given, and with that is added stressors. But being short staffed in a department than ultimately SHRANK when the employer's business MULTIPLIED... that's just a recipe for disaster. I'm at the point where I can't handle even a small amount of stress like I used to. I feel like I'm going to break the moment shit starts popping off at work. I can't focus and I can't keep up anymore. Xmas Night I pulled a 12hr shift that turned into a 13hr shift due to my relief being over an hour late and showing up with fucking McDonalds... and then this last Wednesday I was by myself with two people who I'm having to train due to a lack of supervisors, so I'm the only one who is able to fully do the tasks needed during our shift... and this is the SLOWER shift, mind you... and I can't even fucking handle that anymore...

What's worse is that I can't risk calling in even for a fucking mental health day. The new clock in system literally points you for leaving even 1 fucking minute early, so I've accumulated too many attendance points due to that (which is bullshit and they won't remove them). If I call out then I might as well just hand in my badge and call it a night, because doing so means I can kiss my job goodbye.

I am so... so... fucking tired. My family even commented on it during Xmas Eve together. They pointed out how tired I look. If family are even noticing it, ones who normally wouldn't even bat an eye and notice under normal circumstances, then there's clearly an issue...

My psych told me at my appointment in September or so (idk the exact appointment date) that I show signs of C-PTSD along with my Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Depressive symptoms. Things at home have... honestly not been as stressful since I took a trip to Texas to see my friends. Instead, that stress is at work and its taking a massive toll on me...

Can I even handle working anymore? I don't want my family thinking I'm just following in my mom's footsteps. I don't want them thinking I'm just lazy and don't want to work. It's not that in the slightest. I honestly wonder if I'm capable of holding a job anymore if this is how bad my mental health is getting. I know I can't handle a public-facing position anymore. Not after being a barista and doing food service. Never again. ...And most office jobs these days require degrees and shit which I do not have nor do I have the urge to even get. I don't want to go through the stress of having to go back to school. My current job is literally my only hope for an income if I can manage to stay afloat within all of my bullshit emotions.

I'm the fucking problem and I know it. Its all the bullshit in my head.

I see my psych on the 16th. I'm going to ask about disability because I genuinely cannot think of what else to do. No other job in my town will let me sit in my own little space. It's all public-facing, customer service. Walmart, Staples, Big Lots, fast food like McDonalds and Wendy's.... all things that I also know I cannot handle anymore.

I'm spiraling and don't know how to stay afloat.

[kelsendeavor]

Aaaaand my throat is starting to give. Ah, well, I guess 9-4 is a pretty decent run with a bad cold. And I just got to take a break where I ran into Ellie and Laura, who offered me some tangerine juice, which is bomb and I want to see it again (also, Laura. I want to see again. I feel I’ve redeemed myself from this morning but also I feel I am stupid).

Alright, to do when I get home:

-Hot shower

-Eat Tuesday’s leftovers for dinner

-Call mom and dad

-Pay rent

-Schedule doctor’s appointment (for psych meds)

-Schedule PlushCare appointment (for GLP-1’s)

-Possibly watch Squid Game with Ellie and Shay. Definitely watch Bambi and Sex Lives of College Girls.

-SIGN UP FOR MEAL SERVICE!

-Asleep by midnight.

[ireceived-p8250000]

October 13-19, 2013

Sunday, October 13, 2013

It's Sunday, so we went out. We took my parents to the spa in the afternoon. All of us went, actually. I told them to be extra careful with my parents. Ransley had to wait outside and play on my iPad.

Afterward, we went to this restaurant in SM based on Roxanne's recommendation. We walked around and I shopped for Ran and Roxanne, just small treats. I also had work to do in the afternoon. I asked Mansoor if he mentioned me to his parents.

"Yung kapatid ko chinismis nya so ayun alam na nila," he laughed over the phone.

"Gusto mo ba sila mameet?" he asked.

"Hmmm ... wag muna."

"Ako din. I mean, you said your dad was a soldier and a cop. A martial law interrogator?"

"He softened now."

"Do they know about me?"

"Not yet. Hindi ko pa masabi. But I asked my mom once if pwede magboyfriend. I don't think she wants me to."

"Baka may deal ka ulit sa mama mo."

I chuckled, "You'll pay for it right? No, I mean, someday maybe next year. Kasi, I don't want them to constantly worry."

"Don't worry, I'm not, you know—we are still not ready."

"I know."

We listened to each other breathing over the line. I saw my vibrator on the vanity table mirror. After the call, I took it and tried. I did some research last night on how. It was uncomfortable at first. My feet were heating, I felt like I was getting electrocuted by my own veins. I searched for salacious materials to fuel my imagination.

I read stories from PSE and it got me worked up and moist. I had to contain my moans so as not to alarm Rox. But it was really tingly. I slept well.

Monday, October 14, 2013

I woke up early at 4 to review. My exams today were Philo and Experimental Psychology. Now everyone knows Mansoor is my boyfriend.

The whole afternoon, I reviewed for Abnormal Psych as it's the toughest. Then I did some posters for a business. I had to go back to town for my Ecology exams.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

It's ComSci exams and that's just it. I had plenty of free time, so I did some work after that. I practiced my violin for a while and learned some new covers to keep me going. I went out to meet Mansoor, and we hung out for an hour before heading home.

We were in the post office and I hugged him. We kissed. I sucked his lips, he sucked mine. It was sweet and slow. We wanted more but that's just it. We contained ourselves.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Exams for Abnormal Psych and it drained my brain dry. I went out for a while to buy a box of pastries at Victoria's for the girls. I brought it back before our exams in Rizal.

I took the test, and the professor was just in front of me. I finished immediately and gave it back to him. While he signed my permit, he looked at me and said, "You look blooming these days. You don't seem stressed with the exams."

I was taken aback, but I acted like I didn't mind. "Thank you."

I got the permit back and he held it tight, jokingly wanting me to pull it. I laughed for a while then frowned when I got it and left.

Friday, October 18, 2013

In the afternoon, we went to a seminar facilitated by us. It was about facilitation, by the way. Mansoor was there but we were apart, except for the last part. There was a game where we chose who we wanted to do research with, and people chose me, too, but Mansoor went with me.

Another workload today.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

It's the start of prepping for the intramurals. We had a requirement for Economics, which was to interview working people. I presented myself since I work in a formal setting and Stephanie in an informal one.

In History class, Sir Apollo announced my grades and scores proudly. We had a staring contest for a while. I had almost perfect exams, with just one mistake due to spelling.

"I would excuse it but you're a smart person, I expect high from you."

Here are my grades:

Psych 108: 90

Psych 109: 92

Econ 101: 93

Hist22: 97

Engl7: 96

Bio 9: 95

I'm really doubting my history grade. It's so high.

I met with Mansoor and we walked around. He's going away for two days for a seminar in Ilocos. I clung to him and we hugged each other, then kissed again. He's so sweet. Now we don't care anymore if somebody else sees us. We're like free.

Roxanne received her passport so I booked the flights immediately. I told her to plan it.

[thwartevil]

I’m fine, really. Thriving Girl, that's me. Every morning is exactly like this one. I slip into a respectably cute college–girl outfit and I paste on a sunny bright smile before I head out the door, pepped and ready to go through the Freshman motions. I hit the coffee cart first, which is a non-negotiable must, then I call my mom, who’s been way more with the angst since I moved onto campus. After about ten minutes, give or take one of her spectacular, passive aggressive guilt trips, I head for my morning classes with the promise to see her this Friday, (with a surprise bundle of dirty laundry to boot) fresh on my lips. My first few classes are yawners. I spend most of it going over slay-strategies and last night's hunt as I pick the shimmery-blue polish off my nails. It's really all that I can do to keep myself awake. — major kudo for my caffeine kick!!  I guess I’m being kinda harsh, the classes aren’t that dull, per se, they just don’t require brain cells, or tickle my new found academic curiosity as much as Psych or European history do. Both of which I am pretty sure I’m failing. If Professor Walsh’s most recent scowl of disappointment and accompanying, “I expect you to apply yourself in my class Miss Summers!” Is anything to go by then, goodbye to my future of financial and parental independence. Hello, playing Pinochle with my mom and all of her wine shaped friends. When I’m not flipping burgers for minimum wage. And it’s all thanks to my Fangs and Gnarly after dark extracurricular. In highschool being the Slayer never did leave a whole lot of time for the big-brains stuff, or I guess, the no brainer stuff, like sleep. But being A Slayer in college? Now that’s a whole other ballpark of intense under eye-bags. I swear at this point I’ve lost count of just how many times I’ve woken up with Vampire dust in my hair, or something way / way / worse, and the pages of one of my text books stuck to my cheek. But Persistence is key and so, I muddle through. By my second cup of Coffee-Cart goodness I’ve almost completely convinced myself that I’ve mastered the art of matriculating dealage. I sip my coffee and check my watch, it’s a quarter past one and I realize that in all my aimless moseying and self congratulations, time has slipped away from me and I’m late to meet Willow. I pull my satchel over my shoulder and I reach in with my hand to dig around for my phone. I must have forgotten to take it off silent after class because when I look at it I have a text-message from Wil. I feel my heart sink. I know what it’s about before I open it. She’s canceling. Another Wiccan emergency that I won’t understand, not that she’s giving me a chance to understand anything. She's been pretty evasive lately. I type back a quick text about meeting up with her and Xander later, before patrol and I slip my phone back into my bag.

I guess I have time to kill. I should probably use it to study. That would be the well-adjusted college kid thing to do. I look around at the direction signs and I wrinkle my nose. Months on campus and I still haven’t memorized how to get to the library. (Somewhere out there right now a cold feeling is washing over a severely perturbed Giles, I know it.) My eyes fall on a tree, the big idyllic kind with pink petals in full bloom that have begun to fall, making a pretty, inviting pink-blanket for me on the grass below. I quickly walk towards it, setting my bag and coffee down next to the stump before I sit with my back against it and take out my books. I sigh and smile softly, it’s perfect. I’m barely two chapters into classical antiquity, when an over shadow crosses the pages resting in my lap. I look up to see a man, who kinda looks like he’s been plucked straight off the glossy cover of dreamboat professor weekly, looking fixedly down at me. When he doesn’t say anything after a moment, one that is dangerously close to spanning into two and then inevitable weirdness territory, I raise my brows in question.  “Can I help you?” I ask, a faint friendly enough smile turning up the edges of my lips as I pick up a pettle and place it on the page I was reading before I close my book. “Miss Summers?” He responds in a thick, fresh off the boat, Gilesian accent. I blink up at him, my mouth stupidly agape. “Wow. Triple Deja Vu.” “Pardon me?” He frowns.

[destinimott]

My mom whose a narcissistic parent told me that I was self diagnosing. They often differ to that when you have an answer to their behavior. I know I am masking. I know that I am autistic. It is rare for a young black female to be diagnosed. People in their late thirties especially minority females are just now being diagnosed with it. My mom said since she didn't notice it in my childhood then I can't be. She is adamant that it is schizophrenia and bipolar disorder because she read about it. She refuses to accept any of the reading material I give her. She wants to be a psychologist because she went to a few group meetings and feels that people need her help. Psychology doesn't screen for narcism or autism. They're questions are generally structured towards the side effect of the medication. It's a 5 minute appointment. So the next time I see the psych I am going to have to ask to be screened. My mom keeps admitting me into the psych ward. I don't know what other answers they are looking for if she wont accept mine.

She tells me I need to 🤐🤫 the mind 🧠 to distract yourself. Meditate. So now she's some expert because she listens to apps on the playstore.

It is a cry 😭 for help. I am trying to move out so that I am not subjected to this treatment from her. She plays like the good guy and that I am the crazy one no one will ever listen to. She has isolated me from family and friends. She tells people that I have a mental illness not condition. It was hereditary so that would also be a fault of her own. There is a history of mental illness in the family. So she's the only one who didn't get it?

I have practiced these social skills. I work in customer service 🐕‍🦺 and have been doing so for the last twenty years. What you can't get it learn from home you can learn outside the home. So I took college classes that she is unaware of. She doesn't even give me credit for going to college. She thinks I'm retarded. Slow. That is the psychology of black women. They think because you are black your dumb. Ugly black doll test. Then she must also feel that way about herself. She is projecting that on to me. I'm her psychology rants if how she is so much more educated because she took such and such class and she graduated she feels she is better than me. I dropped it. I didn't see the point of contributing especially when she continues to reject the fact that I am sports medicine 🌿💉 I am an herbalist. Exercise scientist. I decided to go a shorter route and get a certificate in holistic wellness as a 🦮 we too know psychology. I have been working in the field for twenty years. We dont diagnose. We refer you to your primary care. It's a wellness center aka spa. Alternative 💊💉 is complimentary and supplementary to your Western care. Many people are abandoning Western 💊💉 because they haven't provided any answers. So I wouldn't be any different to give up on them because I found the answer myself. Self help books provide that for you. Self diagnosing is like them making fun of you for checking the Internet for your signs and symptoms. My mom feels that is ok to be judged and diagnosed by her and other white medical professionals.

Psychologically black women are the ugliest in the world 🌍 i do statistics. I don't know the last time she read a scholar study. I didn't think I've even seen her on Wikipedia. She has admitted she doesn't write papers. I would be an English lit 🔥 major if I didn't choose to go into sports med. There is only so much you can do with an English lit degree.

[jenniefromdblock]

Drained

[Originally posted on JULY 21, 2021 ]

I rushed my mom twice to the ER the other day (7/16/2021) due to her complaining about an excruciating pain on her left side.

I woke up with her moaning in pain around 7am, so I immediately got up and packed a lot of disinfectants and my laptop (I had to work) and drove to 2 goverment hospitals’ ER. The 1st one just referred us to the 2nd, the 2nd just prescribed meds. They were prioritizing COVID patients, even though their ERs are empty (shoutout to the 2nd which is QCGH). I’m not going to comment on how they handled our situation because I know they have their “reasons”. Since Mom was still in so much pain, we went ahead to Capitol Med. Yes, I know it is private and expensive but fuck it. It’s Mom.

We arrived at around 11am (I had no concept of time, I just wanted the day to be over) and we were immediately attended to. Mom was hooked up to an IV (omeprazole at first, then liquid paracetamol), blood works, urinalysis, and xray were done. When I asked her, she says the pain was level 8 and went to intermittent. There were also times that it goes away. According to her urinalysis, they found specks of blood, so they Rx’d Mom to be CT scanned for suspected kidney stones. During that time I kept on asking her if she can manage the pain, etc. She was like meh, and we were already given prescriptions so we decided that we will sign the waiver to not perform the CT Scan at that moment (the reason and backstory later). We were discharged around 4pm.

I was able to settle a bit when we got home and go back to working. Not even two hours later, Mom was again writhing in pain and she was crying “Lord, please make it stop.” Her pain tolerance is so high that seeing her in that situation was very alarming, so thats when I decided to ask my sister to call an ambulance (I was no longer in the right mental and emotional state to drive at that moment) while I prepare the stuff we need in case she gets confined.

We were brought again to Capitol Med because at least they already know us, the guard was literally like “Uy, parang kanina lang…”. We agreed to do the CT Scan and results says the pain is caused by kidney stones.

Also, even though my Mom doesn’t feel anything, they saw an 8x12x12 benign cyst on her right ovaries. While the doctor assured us its nothing and can be treated easily, they referred us to an OB GYN, who explained the next steps for treatment to us.

Honestly at that point, I hear garbled messages. I can no longer process anything because all I worry about was how the fuck am I going to pay for the hospital bills because I am super bankrupt.

The Backstory: I was retrenched in December 2020 and we were trying to survive off my separation pay (which isn’t that big amount so if you ask me, no I didn’t even have the chance to enjoy it). In April 2021, I got a freelancing job and I am in contract until December, which I am very thankful for. But what I earn is just enough for the utility bills and monthly groceries for 3 people. Yes, I also have been the provider in this house.

I only have Php 1,000 ($20) in my bank account. I have 2 credit cards that I have not been using and been paying off so I can cut it.

But I had to. I maxed out the limit of my first credit card to settle the hospital bills during our ER Visit #1. I had no choice but to do the same for my second to pay off ER Visit #2, not to mention the prescribed medicines worth 2 weeks. Oh btw, the OB GYN consultation fee needed to be paid in cash, so yeah goodbye 1k. Before, I psych myself bankrupt but I still have like 10k+ in the bank. But now, I am literally, really, very, zero balance.

At this point I am not sure how will I be able to bring her to a urologist, another OB GYN session and possible operation.

Well, going back to the main story… we got home around 12am. Mom was still in pain but at least we know the cause. Also, the pain reliever works so Mom was able to sleep enough.

I am still mentally and emotionally drained. Most of all, financially.

So that’s how the day went.

[candorsky]

You’re moving way too fast

Last night and some of today I continued to read those old blog posts, until I couldn’t find anything more on the wayback machine — by the end, I wasn’t even sure what I was looking for in them. A certain feeling? Like whatever I felt when I originally read them in my 20s, in the years around when my mom died, and nothing felt stable. I imagine that reading about someone’s life in the South of France sounded exciting and romantic at the time, but I don’t have a specific memory of that. It’s not a stretch since I had barely gone anywhere in my life. (Arguably, I still haven’t ventured very far.)

The obsession could just be a distraction from my own sadness, looking for some kind of milepost for my current emotional location. A certain smile, a certain sadness. I should know online records of any kind are far from complete. Yet I still want some kind of answer from them, if I can just search the right thing. I feel like I’ve had a few moments of nostalgia recently, tied to different eras and interests. The desire to revisit feelings from the past may be more of an obstruction than a lighthearted recollection.

I’ve been at the country house for the weekend with the dogs, the first time I’ve been here without my ex since the summer, when I was so desperate to leave. I’ve felt largely powerless to make true change in my life since then; we are in a protracted separation that keeps feeling clouded. This weekend, I feel myself being pulled into old patterns again. Even coming up to check on things after a big snowfall last week was something I absolutely didn’t want to do at first, and it felt like a familiar manipulation of my time. But the anxiety spread to my psyche, and then I wasn’t going to hope for the best over a cold weekend. I've made the most of it. Even when I managed to leave both physical and digital books currently reading behind in the city, I downloaded a pdf and used the phone app instead. I got my tax documents together — this happening so late in March is a sign of how things have been with me, not usually a procrastinator on that front. I closed my rings by shoveling snow. I soaked in the hot tub, even though it needed more shocking. I feel like I’ve been productive. Not sure that I've slept any better, but I’ve at least not stayed up late every night.

Maybe it’s the lack of stability that is the commonality. If reading blogposts by people who were at the time a little more adult than me (in age and practice) made me feel hopeful for the future then, is that kind of hope still possible for me, even if I am now older than they were then? There are pieces of it that are familiar to me now, like I’ve already lived the experience of moving to the country (though not in another country). Am I looking for aspirations?

More likely it’s just that I keep returning to the desire to really start writing regularly again, even if it’s just banal details of my life. (I set this up last year for that purpose, after all.) Reading twenty-year-old banalities could be a misdirection of the impulse. And I’m trying to relearn the confidence in writing things down and not caring if anyone reads it. Because paper journaling just feels too laborious for a regular practice and typing seems to open more. Well, I will try to be more active in this regard.

[kfanopinions]

Hey there! Little question, what do you look for to know if two persons are compatible (based on a natal chart) I saw that sometimes people compare like Idk sun, moon, asc, and If two people have like the sun: fire, moon: water, asc: fire and the other have like sun: water, moon fire, asc: water. People compare sun with sun, moon with moon, asc with asc, etc. And in this case said smthng like "They are not compatible" but If the sun sign is compatible with the moon sign like A LOT, is not good? Also, if the moon water sign is in a fire house, can work?

I hope I have expressed myself correctly, sorry if I confused you, and thank you❤️.

get ready for a long ass explanation...sorry in advance lol

you can compare the whole chart in general if you really want too lol but that would be a lot of work. go to astro-seek (dot) com and do the love compatibility for a quick explanation. if it were me (and this is just me speaking i don't know what others would do) i would look at: sun, moon, venus, and mars signs. sun - because this is going to be a small representation of who that person is in a nutshell (it's our self/ego) moon - this represents our emotions and for men this is what we can look at to get a better idea of their ideal types (the moon also represents "mom" -> so the cliché statement of men finding women who are like their mom's isn't all that cliché it could be based on this) venus - this one is self explanatory but it represents love and relationships lol mars - this one is for those who want to know the "down and dirty" stuff ^^ ***i would also check their eros sign and psyche as well for this too** now, for the ascendant (rising sign) i personally don't put that much effort into that at all. to me it's just the sign that other people see us as. how we look to them. i have a friend who is a cancer but he is a scorpio rising and looks like he's two seconds from snapping a persons neck (he looks very intense. reminds me of the death glare yuta has but for him it's 24/7) but he's as soft as a squishmallow lol so while others may put a lot of emphasis on rising signs, i don't. but if you want to compare you can.

and for your example... Person A = sun -> fire and moon -> water Person B = sun -> water and moon -> fire (no joke this is renjun and i right now <3333) believe it or not my fire moon could actually be of good use for (i'm using renjun as an example because it fits this scenario) his water moon. because his emotions could be all over the place and if angry could actually scare some people. a fire moon (doesn't have to be my sign exactly...a fire moon in general) could be the only signs that can deal with those heavier emotions. whereas our sun signs in general can find each other alluring and sexy but at the end of the day we'd bump heads a lot and probably try to both be the dominant one. does that mean it wouldn't work? no. it just means that there needs to be a lot of work done in order for the relationship to work. i'll even go further with this. i'll compare our venus signs. renjun's venus sign is a water sign and mine is an air sign. our venus signs (because of what they are) can get along pretty well together and we both like being creative and drawing (literally i'm an artist you guys haha) so this is something we can connect with and bond over. our signs also both want to connect so again, this is good. renjun's mars sign is an earth sign while mine is a water sign. now our signs are complete opposites. this can mean that we may find each other interesting and annoying at the same time. we may end up being attracted to each other but also want to strangle the other (renjun and choking...gotta love it xP) all it means is that there is still an attraction but there is work that needs to be done.

okay with the eros and psyche i took my eros and his psyche sign and it talks about destined to meet (if only...if only...freaking love this dude! he's so cute!!!!!) and metamorphosis happening (not surprising because there is stuff that says brining on change, dealing with past suffering, transforming) between our signs. it's the crazy love type of thing. the standard makeup/breakup kind of love. but there's supposed to be some life altering/growth with our eros and psyche signs being matched

** please note that because i do not know his birth time and this is just a quick example...this analysis is super basic and not very in depth, but even without knowing his birth time we actually have quite a bit of compatibility but also a lot of aggravating moments. you also need to take into account how planets when comparing affect others. example: moon trine mars, what does this mean and how does this affect the compatibility. stuff like that. what i did is a very and i do mean VERY basic comparison.***

now, knowing this between renjun and i (if we were interested in each other and wanted to date lol -> probably never going to happen...i shall now cry myself to sleep tonight...thanks a lot anon! jk) is this a solid relationship? no. does that mean it's not worth it? no. looking for that above 80% compatibility score is nice, but some people are meant to be in our lives for reasons we may only understand after the relationship is done and over with. if this is being done just for fun it'll probably explain why you may be drawn to a certain person more than others. if this is being done because you're actually interested in someone irl and want to date them...STOP! please i beg of you to stop right now! even the most advanced astrologist will tell you to not generalize a person based on their birth chart. we're more complex then what our charts show. which is why in all of my posts i say 'take this with a grain of salt.' i hope this answered your question. i had to think on how to explain this since i don't actively check my compatibility with people lol