#i am a literal waste of resources atm because no material thing makes me happy because i can’t actually accomplish anything i want

[spraklecat]

I fucking HATE the depression narrative now that I was was fed that it was something ideopathic and incurable for SIX+ YEARS and that all there were were unreliable meds and positive self-talk to do doodly shit about. I didn’t seek help because it seemed useless and a waste of money, it wasn’t fear of stigma or anything. I just saw myself as inescapably terminally online and on an neverending path to decay.

Turns out I had fucking ADHD and my issue is I don’t function in non-structured environments and my problems weren’t all unrelated personal flaws. AND THAT’S SOMETHING ACTUALLY CHEMICALLY FUCKING TREATABLE. I never even considered it until I said something about my mom thinking I had it offhand and actually scored pretty high on a quick questionnaire from the psych. Who I only went to because I was at the point where life wasn’t worth living and I was just like “fuck it whatever nothing else is working may as well at this point”. On one hand I’m so relieved I do have it and there is a fixable reason for my problems because it’s the only thing that’s given me hope in years. I was terrified the test was going yo be negative because I’d be back at square zero and already had my hopes up and then shattered. On the other hand, I fucking hate that it was treated as an excuse to throw drugs at annoying kids as long as long as I lived, in the best case it was treated as something everyone finds relatable online but you probably don’t have and you’re just phone fried. If I’d known I did have actual signs of it since childhood I wouldn’t have been to quick to brush it off as screen addiction.

Well anyways, if anyone reading this is terminally online and considered lazy, forgetful, perpetually late, and can’t get anything done, well… maybe look into this sooner rather than later.