#siento que siempre lo digo pero amo esa escena

[arigg]

“tenías razón —como siempre.” cede, una vez se encuentra nuevamente con ella. en diestra lleva un trago para sí mismo y en zurda uno que le ofrece en invitación. “el rojo es nuestro color.” que, incluso si al momento de sugerirlo otorgó cierta duda, ahora no había ninguna al respecto. “a ti se te ve mucho mejor, sin embargo.” // @misvns​

[redblossom]

Cada vez que leo esta historia me dan unas enormes ganas de besar al Jihan hasta el cansancio. ¿Soy la única? Porque Dios, escribes tan bien a ambos que es inexplicable. En fin, entro a mi desglose de siempre. 1- Siento que Joshua se aleja más y más de Bunny y no sé si lo está haciendo inconsciente o conscientemente. Hay algo que no está diciendo y esas pesadillas son la prueba de ello. Me gusta que tenga su hogar en ella pero al mismo tiempo siento que le cuesta encontrar un balance entre su relación y su trabajo. Ocupo que se tomen un descanso bien largo los 3 y hablen de lo que esperan, ocupan y quieren, o esta relación se va a ir a la basura.

2- Se me hizo muy soft como Hannie no quería que todo se relacionara en lo sexual, me recordó mucho a Edward y Bella en Breaking Dawn, como Edward la cansaba para que no tuvieran relaciones jsjsjs. Claro que Hannie es un caballero y nada como Edward, pero me dio risa ese gesto. Also...¿él siendo rough? Christ...girl, I was sweating buckets. ¿Qué necesidad tengo de que Hannie me haga esto? Ninguna, pero Dios. Ocupo más escenas así, pls.

3- CHOI SEUNGCHEOL, EL HOMBRE QUE ERES, EN SERIO. Me emocioné de más porque me encantan los 95z y amo muchísimo su dinámica, por eso ocupa un punto en esta reseña, claro que sí. Amé que se preocupara por Bunny y que preguntara cosas sobre la relación, a pesar de la reacción que tuvo Hannie, siento que era muy necesaria.

4- ¿La escena final? Dios, casi lloro V. Fue tan bonita que me hizo anhelar a alguien así, sinceramente. Siento que ambas relaciones son muy diferentes y eso es lo bonito de esto; que se relacionen diferente y funcionen entre sí. En conclusión, adoré este capítulo. Siempre te lo digo, pero creo que éste es el mejor capítulo de la temporada hasta ahorita. Me encanta lo que estás haciendo con estos personajes y adoro la conexión tan fuerte que parece tener el Jihan con respecto a Bunny.

Sigue así, V. Créeme que tu trabajo alegra hasta a los más tristes, lo sé porque yo ayer traía un humor horrible por lo de Hannie y me alegré en el momento que vi que habías subido capítulo, a pesar de que Tumblr no me avisó nada.

PD. Al final me hicieron el último estudio y al parecer todo fue un mal susto, pero ya estamos al 100 en ese tema. Debía comentarlo porque siento que lo dejé en el aire la vez pasada JAJA. Also, he estado llorando mucho por Hannie, pero entre más rápido se vaya, más rápido regresará.

Un placer leerte, V. Keep the amazing work.

Blossom 🌸.

moonlight | lights out series

Joshua had not only fallen in love with you, but with the life he had by your side. He just had to learn to find the balance between the life he was so in love with and the life he had worked so hard to achieve.

✮pairings: yoon jeonghan x female reader x joshua hong ✮ genre: angst, fluff, smut [18+] ✮ aus: theatre director jeonghan, rockstar joshua, polyamorous relationship ✮ word count: 25.3k

› 🎧: limbo – dpr ian | horizon – i.m | hold me – hojean | cheese and wine – dpr live | different – woodz | love scene – baekhyun | take my hand – zerobaseone ‹ note: this song is so cute and perfect | ditto – new jeans | bad sad and mad – bibi → season one — season two — read more › smut warnings under the cut

✮ warnings: sleep paralysis, smut with plot, dom jeonghan, switch joshua, switch reader, alcohol consumption, slight mlm themes, slight dubcon: reader takes care of drunk hannie. reader is on birth control, smoking, corruption kink, dirty talk, unprotected p in v sex, blowjob, handjob, deepthroating, dacryphilia, fingering, creampies, tongue fucking, pussy drunk hannie, squirting, hair pulling, doggy style, rough sex, consensual recordings of sexual intercourse, a bit of cockwarming, vanilla sex, lazy love-making, nipple teasing, couch sex, dirty talk. brat taming: pussy slaps, spanking, edging, praise/degradation kink, light impact play, 1 slap on the cheek. pet names: bunny, beautiful, baby, princess, bad girl, filthy girl (hers), handsome, big baby, (jeonghan) babe, baby, handsome (joshua) ✮ author's note: this is incredibly self indulgent. also, these chapters are getting longer... having to write about two boyfriends at the same time is not for the text-limited posts on tumblr. i'm going to start posting my fics on ao3 too soon... so be on the lookout for that? hehe ✮ author's note 2: there are some instances where the word Bunny and/or Princess are with capital letters and that is to signify Y/N, ok? ok i'm terrible at explaining this .. i just don't like using the Y/N nomenclature. i feel like it pulls me out of the reading ✮ author's note 3: also thanks to @onlymingyus who helped me figure out some scenes! thank you baby 🩵 ✮ disclaimer: minors dni this post is intended for 18+ readers. please have your age stated in your description and try not to look like a bot please 🙂.

part iv

The candles were half-burnt, still lit, and sitting on the table with a forgotten charcuterie board and two empty cups of red wine. You had not finished cleaning the table when you got sidetracked by a serious conversation with your boyfriend on the couch.

A conversation that, predictably, ended with a heavy make-out session.

Joshua had to finish packing his suitcase, a thought that he pushed far back into the list of things he needed to get ready before he left for his first tour the following day. The number one priority to him though, was you. Despite the heavy topic of conversation that you both just had, he could match the passion of your kisses quite effortlessly.

It was his last night with you for what would be weeks. He was not sure when he was coming back exactly, since this tour was going to Midnight Haze’s first big tour.

This was a huge achievement. It was something he dreamed about when his band was just a local indie one. Now they were signed. They had their first studio album. And they were going on tour to visit different countries. A dream come true.

However, there was one thing holding him back.

Joshua never thought of himself as a romantic person. Not even remotely. He used to think he was content with being on his own. He never looked for love and made it very explicit with every partner he had. No relationships, no attachments. Only one goal, and he achieved that goal.

But in his journey, he never thought he would fall in laove. He was not expecting you. When he met you and accepted your proposal to have an entirely sexual relationship, he never noticed the warnings in his brain. Joshua blindly gave himself to you.

It shook his world to find you.

He wanted to stay in the coziness of the home you had given him. And to think that you were neighbors for years before you saw and talked to each other… he wondered sometimes what would have happened if you crossed paths differently, would he be here with you?

Involuntarily, his hands gripped your waist tighter, pulling you closer on his lap. You stifled a moan in his mouth, one hand cupping his chin, while the other had slid down his chest, clinging onto to his plaid shirt.

“Babe,” you paused, but he protested with a groan, his hand sliding up to the middle of your back to keep you from pulling away from him. “Josh,” you mumbled in between desperate kisses. “You have to pack your things, don’t you?” you asked, a giggle fleeing between your lips.

You knew already that he had to finish packing, but that did not stop you from starting the make-out session. And he knew you were just trying to tease him because there he was, all riled up, becoming more and more addicted to your lips.

“I have till five in the morning,” he responded with a hoarse voice, his hand left your back to meet your cheek. “Come here.”

The hand clinging onto his shirt flattened between his pecs. “I mean, but you also have to sleep, right?”

“I can sleep on the plane.”

Joshua heard an airy chuckle leave your mouth as his hand cupping your cheek motioned you in for another deep, heated kiss. It was his turn to smile into the kiss then your hand on his chest found the first button of his shirt, slowly and almost meekly undoing it with one hand.

But you broke away, a playful grin curving your lips. “Are you sure though? I can help you pack, and then we continue where we left off?”

He shook his head slightly, getting lost in the features of your face. It was going to be a while before he saw you again like this. Even if you were planning to visit him soon, he could not last a day without holding you. He had to make the most of the time he had left with you.

“I want to be close to you tonight,” he mumbled, holding your gaze. “I can pack later.”

“I just don’t want you to be late,” you replied dismissively, because you wanted the same thing as him just as badly.

Joshua smiled in full endearment of your worry. It was not unusual for you to worry about the smallest of things. “Don’t worry, I’ll just throw a few things in there and that’s it,” he shrugged, a knowing look appearing on his face.

You hated that at once, you shook your head. “Joshua, you need to do it right,” you said in a more serious tone, chastising him a little. But when his smile widened, scrunching his nose, you just pushed his shoulder.

“I will, baby,” he reassured, nodding with his head. “But only if you keep kissing me,” he challenged.

You returned the smile. “And if I don’t?”

He shrugged. “I’ll just finish packing and go to sleep,” he said nonchalantly.

You tried holding his gaze, but then your facial features broke into a pout.

“I’m just teasing you, baby,” he giggled, his eyes turning into half moons as he tipped his head back slightly.

You loved the sound of his giggles, sweet and merry. You could not resist yourself, grabbing his face with your hands to plant a kiss on his scrunched nose, catching him off guard. But he recovered quickly, grabbing your waist again to capture your lips with his own, to continue where you left off.

Your hand returned searching for the buttons of his plaid shirt, feeling the curve of his pecs in the process as you undid each button hurriedly, his shirt parting, leaving his chest in sight. Your heartbeat fluttered at the sound of his breathing hitching, and your hands slid beneath the plaid shirt, caressing the bare skin of his chest freely.

His pectorals bulged, and it was hard not to notice them lately. You knew he had been working out consistently as of late, so when your hands cupped his pecs, he bristled.

“Sorry,” you whispered sheepishly.

“It’s okay,” he reassured with a soft smile. “You can do whatever you want to me.”

“Okay,” you breathed out.

Having the green light, your hands explored his chest beneath his shirt, the pads of your thumbs teasing his nipples lightly. You felt his thighs tensing beneath you when you rubbed his nipples gently, cupping and massaging the soft muscle of his pectorals.

Joshua sat up straight, his hands securing you firmly, so you did not lose balance. In a wordless exchange, your hands slid from his chest to his shoulders and down his arms, thus pushing the sleeves of his shirt off him.

Once he was freed from the first piece of clothing on his body, his hands were on you again. Your fingertips grazed his veiny biceps, tracing a line to his collarbones and then cupped his neck, all the while kissing him heatedly, humming slightly on his mouth every time he outlined your lower lip with the tip of his tongue.

“Can I mark you?” you asked with a breathy tone, your fingers trailing down the soft skin of his neck.

Joshua knew why you asked. As his band gained more traction and recognition, their agency had to hire a PR management company, which instructed the Haze boys to be careful with their image.

“No, baby. You can’t,” he replied with a saddened tone. He hated to say no to you. He also hated to have this pristine poster boy front that he did not care for about at all.

“Mn, okay,” you breathed, not giving him the opportunity to see your full reaction, you leaned to kiss him again.

You broke away from the kiss, but rested your forehead on his, slowly littering him with pecks. One hand left the side of his neck, and Joshua tilted his head back to pay attention to the detour your hand was taking. You tucked your hand behind your back, grabbing the lace tying the back of your dress, and unravelling it with one movement.

In a silent sequence, Joshua gathered the long fabric of your dress that you had worn for the occasion by grabbing the skirt in bundles and pulling it up your body. Your hair got ruffled in the process, and you laughed meekly as your fingers removed the strands from your face and tucked them behind your ears.

But Joshua was caught up in the fact that you had been wearing absolutely nothing beneath the dress he had just discarded on the side of the sofa. He took one look at your naked body sitting on top of him, and then his eyes met yours. “Were you wearing nothing beneath that the whole time?”

You nodded with your head meekly, biting your lower lip to hide your smile. “I thought you’d appreciate it,” you shrugged.

Even though you had been together for months now, a blush still painted your cheeks red in utter shyness. From the night he met you, he has seen you naked, due to the nature of your relationship. It was natural for him to see your shyness then, but now, after all these months, he found it endearing.

“You know I do,” he admitted as you leaned over to latch your lips with his. “You know everything you do drives me crazy,” he purred in between kisses.

His hands explored your back, circling over to clutch at the curve of your waist, knowing that would bring your body alight. You pushed your chest to him, muffling a moan in his mouth, something he returned at once when he felt your pebbled nipples on his skin. A hand pressed on your back, squeezing you to his hard body.

Your fingers found his nape, sliding to tangle on the locks of his beautiful dark hair. He dyed it recently with a dark chocolate tone, bringing back the shadow of the man you met when he used to live right next to your apartment. Your fingernails grazed his scalp, bringing out a salacious moan from him.

The sound reverberated against your chest, sending a chill that ran thick through your body. It only egged you on, your fingers trailed down from his nape to his neck, caressing his skin ever so gently.

The delicate touches left tingling sensations in their wake, slowly driving Joshua crazy. His hands clenched the curve of your waist one more time before finding your ass, cupping it with a raspy groan from his part.

You pulled away from his lips with a rich smacking noise. “Not so fast,” you mumbled with a tilt of your head. A confused look shot through the features of his face, making you clarify: “Not until I get your clothes off.”

Joshua understood where you were going right away. His dark, glinting eyes marvelled at the sight of you, face still flushed, naked and on top of him. He nodded, letting you take his wrists and driving his large hands from your ass to your thighs, where they rested instead.

You grabbed his chin with your fingers daintily, leaning over to place a small peck on his lips. “Good boy,” you whispered. “Now let me get you out of those jeans.”

Completely enamored, he just nodded, heart fluttering uneasily in his chest when you flashed him a cute smile. You placed another kiss on the corner of his lips, fingers pinching his chin softly before you carried on with your task.

You raked his torso with the tips of your fingers, making him draw in a breath sharply at the sensation. “I like you so much,” you mumbled with an airy tone, looking at his figure, the curve of his strong shoulders and biceps.

In your admiring his body, you were not aware of his eyes doing the same thing, outlining every inch, every curve of your body on top of his. “You’re so hot,” you added almost aloofly.

“Ditto,” he mumbled, recalling the times you have exchanged a similar expression. He squeezed your thighs gently, bringing your gaze to meet his. There, in his eyes, you saw the love and adoration he felt for you.

You did not resist the urge to kiss him, so you did exactly that by closing the space between your lips.

“You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen,” he mumbled sweetly, the statement bringing a light chuckle out of you, so he emphasized: “The hottest. I fell for you instantly.”

“Did you?” you smiled.

“Absolutely,” he whispered. “All grumpy at me in your bunny pjs,” he enjoyed the meek smile appearing on your face. “The prettiest… and the hottest.”

You rolled your eyes, but the smile did not disappear. “Shut up,” you mouthed, the aloofness persisted as you ran your hands on his chest, feeling his pecs up. Then he understood that you were entranced, your eyes lost on his nakedness.

“Make me,” he whispered, a knowing smirk spreading on his beautiful lips.

Your smile turned playful, giving him a chaste kiss. “Bad boy,” you whispered, propping yourself on your knees to scoot back a little and then he felt the tips of your fingers on his lower abdomen, making him draw in another breath.

He looked at your fingers tracing a line over the soft hairs of his happy trail, meeting the band of his boxers peeking beneath his jeans. Then he darted a look at your face, finding out that you were biting your lower lip in excitement and anticipation. Your eyes locked with his briefly, the corners of your lips lifting a little right before you tugged at the button of his jeans free.

Joshua smiled slightly when you gave him a rushed, feathery kiss. “Help me?” you whispered, climbing off him and the couch while hooking your fingers on the band of his boxers. He lifted his hips from his seat, as you pulled both his jeans and boxers down his thighs and got rid of them completely.

But instead of climbing back on top of him, you eased down on your knees between his legs. Joshua noticed your eyes widen slightly as you outlined his body, your hands caressing his meaty thighs. He leaned back on the couch, so his head was resting back as he watched you explore his body with your eyes, with your hands.

Joshua was a beautiful man. As you took in the sheer beauty of his body, bathed by the soft orange glow of the lights, you felt lucky of being his partner.

You caressed his thighs with your hands, as he cupped one of your cheeks, making your eyes fall on his bulging biceps and his well toned pecs, the curve that formed beneath them. A half smile tugged his lips when you licked yours.

You held his gaze for a moment, a fluttering sensation invading you in your tummy. Joshua was ready for you, the features of his face relaxing slightly when your hand circled his shaft. You touched him at first, his soft and veiny skin, pumping him gently from the base of his cock to the head slick with precum.

You spread the precum with the palm of your hand all over his cockhead before moving your fist up and down, enjoying the way his gaze darkened, his mouth parted slightly. His lust-filled eyes were trained on you as you leaned down, pressing your lips on the tip of his cock, kissing him playfully.

Joshua smiled lightly at the sight of you, using his fingers to push your hair away from your face. But the smile faded, just as you took his cockhead inside your mouth, licking his precum, humming slightly in delightfulness at the taste of him.

He released a small grunt through his parted rosy lips, you took him deeper inside your mouth, your hand moving to his base to pump him with gentle strokes at first. You bobbed your head slowly, eyes locked on his face to see him responding to you just how you expected.

Joshua closed his eyes, closing his mouth to breathe in slowly. His hand slid from your cheek to the side of your head to thread his fingers through your hair, following the movements of your head on his cock. “Faster… please, baby,” he mumbled faintly.

You followed suit, picking up the pace. You hollowed out your cheeks as you pulled your mouth up to his cockhead, swirling your tongue on his tip. His body tensed on the couch, his nose scrunching as he groaned, gritting his teeth. “Fuck… yes,” he sighed. “Just like that.”

A fluttering sensation invaded you, chest swelling with pride when you heard his raspy, deep grunts escaping him. His fingers coiled around your hair, and his other hand joined on the other side of your head, helping you move on him as you took him in deeper.

Silence had flooded the room, only interrupted by soft, smacking noises and the deep grunts from Joshua. Occasionally, he would cuss under his breath, but his face remained relaxed, lost in the sight of you taking his cock in your mouth expertly.

Joshua loved watching you like this, he loved that you knew every step to drive him absolutely crazy. It was taking everything in him to stop his hips to thrust forward. However, you read his movements, pausing before attempting to take him ever deeper into your mouth, gagging around him as his cockhead reached your throat.

“Careful, baby,” he cautioned, retaking the control. You followed, pausing for breath before you tried to deepthroat him again. He saw your eyes start to water, and his thumb reached to scoop a tear rolling down your cheek.

It was your eagerness to take him whole what made him tip his head back, his throat bobbing as he swallowed a deep moan. “Fuck,” he breathed, feeling the muscles of your mouth relax and contract around his cock. “You’re taking me so well, baby.”

Your movements slowed down slightly and became smaller now that his cockhead reached your throat, you retreated your head slightly and pushed again, drool dripping down his shaft and onto your fist. You kept pumping him, though languidly, all your focus was on your mouth on his cock.

“Oh god,” he moaned, opening his eyes to the sight of you deepthroating him, sucking him whole. “Fuck, I’m coming,” he rasped.  

But then you stopped, carefully pulling your head back. But the change made your eyes water, you coughed a little, breathing through your nose.

His mouth hung open, frowning in confusion. “Why did you stop?” he asked, watching you wipe the drool from your lips with the back of your hand.

You grinned, climbing back on top of him to place a chaste kiss on his lips. “You’re coming when I want you to,” you mumbled sweetly, booping the tip of his nose with your finger.

“Baby,” he rasped chidingly, elongating the final vowel of his protest. But his large hands welcomed you, grabbing your hips as you straddled him.

You giggled, kissing his protruding lower lip as he pouted at you. “You’re cute,” you teased.

His studded eyebrow jumped slightly; you should have known better than playing with him like this. “You think so?”

You nodded with your head, a satisfying look glinting in your eyes. “The cutest baby boy,” you purred, bringing a hand on his nape before kissing him. Your other hand searched for his throbbing cock, blindly guiding it to your sopping wet pussy.

A deep moan vibrated in your mouth when you sank down on him, pausing yet again but now to savor the slight painful but delicious stretch of his cock in your walls. Joshua groaned, dropping his head on the headrest of the couch, his hands kneading on your thighs as if that helped him resist his orgasm.

“Look at you,” you cooed softly. “You look so good like this,” you added, toeing between mocking him and appreciating the sweet features of his face riddled by pleasure.

Joshua gulped hard. His gaze, darkened by lust outlined the features of your face as you rolled your hips on his cock. He could not lie, he loved when you took control, he loved to see you grow confident on top of him.

But with one, sudden movement, he thrusted you onto the cushions of the couch. The non-existent heed for your body made you yelp in surprise. He propped himself on his knees, grabbing the back of yours to press your thighs onto your chest.

“Joshua–,” you tried protesting, your face broken in utter confusion when in seconds, he had torn through your dominance like ripping through a piece of paper.

You braced yourself before it happened. Joshua brought down his hand on your exposed cunt, slapping it firmly. Both excitement and pain shot through your body, making you cry out a loud moan that sounded lewder than anything.

Joshua heard the rawness in your moan and understood right away that you had liked it. He tilted his head to one side, smirking as he asked: “Want more?”

You nodded, a glazed look in your eyes before you closed them briefly. Joshua brought his hand down again, right on your sensitive clit, noticing your arousal smeared on the pads of his fingers. He pushed his fingers between your wet folds, to rub circles on your swollen nub.

You flinched when his hand slapped your cunt, but the sound coming out of your mouth did not convey pain. Your face scrunched up in pleasure, your eyebrows knitted, and glossy lips puckered. “More.”

Joshua stopped rubbing your clit with his fingers, raising his hand once more to bring it down with a harsher slap, enjoying the whiny sound tearing through you. He continued to rub your cunt, getting unbearably harder when he noticed the arousal pooling in your entrance. “Filthy girl,” he whispered, a smirk playing in his lips.

“More,” you demanded, your tone dropping to a question.

But Joshua had removed his hand from your throbbing pussy, his fingers encircling around his shaft, pumping it to smear your wetness all over himself. “You’ll take what I give you.”

He then placed a hand on the arm rest above your head, lowering himself on your body as his hand grabbing his hard cock drove it to your entrance, easing himself inside you in one go, filling you up to the point of bringing you to tears.

An airy moan escaped you, and it was not only because his weight was on top of your legs, crushing your chest almost. It was also feeling his girthy cock stretching your pussy, reaching a spot inside you that had your walls clenching around him.

“F-fuck,” you gritted, pushing your head back onto the cushions of the couch. “Joshua,” you whimpered, grabbing his shoulder with one hand. “S-so deep.”

Tears spilled when you blinked, bringing out a wolfish grin from him. “Who’s cute now,” he purred, starting to slam his hips against you with a fast, near animalistic pace. As much as he loved seeing you try your hand at domming him, he loved even more to be the one in charge.

The depth of his hard thrusts became addictive, like fire consuming you rapidly. You writhed beneath him; the tip of his cock reaching a glorious spot inside you every time he slammed his hips against yours.

“Oh god, Josh…” you said between deep breaths. “I’m coming.”

Joshua smiled like this was a game that he just won. But he nodded, kissing the inner side of your knee. He revelled at the sight of you like this: you were crying, stirring, and whining loudly as your orgasm washed over you, making your walls clamp erratically around his cock.

But he kept thrusting inside you, loving the wet sounds that came from your pussy, the way your moans turned airy and raspy. Your eyes had rolled back, your mouth fell open, and he committed to memorize that image of you.

“Joshua… Joshua…” you whimpered, over and over until you were completely breathless.

He eased one of your legs from your chest, wordlessly commanding you to wrap it around his waist, lowering his hips on you, burying his cock deep inside you again. You moaned languidly; eyes closed as you savored the gentle aftershocks of your orgasm.

Joshua was lost in you. In the midst of it all, the faint reminder that this was your last night together in some weeks made his heart clench. He leaned his head down to press his lips on your forehead, the tip of your nose and your lips.

“I love you,” he whispered, unable to bring his voice any louder.

You hummed in response, opening your eyes to see his face. “I love you, Joshua,” you responded, cupping his cheek with one hand to kiss him deeply.

Joshua rested his forehead on yours, sliding a hand under your nape, his fingers tangling in your hair. He retook the brutal pace of his thrusts, feeling your mouth fall open and he blindly mimicked you. Now you were breathing on each other’s mouths, moaning in unison.

Your hands circled his back, holding onto him for dear life as his thrusts knocked the air out of your lungs. “Baby, don’t,” Joshua rasped when your fingernails started digging on the soft skin of his back, bringing out a raw moan from him. “Oh, you fucking brat,” he groaned in both pain and pleasure as you dragged your fingernails down his back, piercing his skin.

You giggled impishly, and he responded with a grin. You removed a hand from his back, cupping his cheek to pull him into a hot, sloppy kiss. He groaned in your mouth, egging you to kiss the underside of his jaw, the curve of his neck, his throat.

“Fuck,” he whispered when you suckled the sensitive spot on his neck you liked so much. But he did not protest or stop your rebellious marking of his neck and back.

You brought his lips back to yours, kissing him chastely. “A little reminder,” you whispered. “So that everyone knows you’re mine,” you traced a circle with the tip of your finger around the marked spot on his neck.

Joshua moaned, pushing his hips desperately against you. “Leave more,” he gasped. “Mark me,” he whispered out his plea to you, turning his head so you could have an easy access to his neck.

The thought of you being possessive over him drove him crazy, pushing him to lose control on top of you. He rolled his hips against you, moaning salaciously as you marked him up from his collarbone to his throat.

“Fuck, baby. Ah. God, fuck,” he squeezed his eyes, scrunching his nose as his thrusts became sloppy. “I’m coming,” he whispered, dropping his head on your shoulder. He moaned repeatedly, fucking his cum deep into your walls.

He pressed his body on yours gently. You wrapped your legs around him as you both regained energies, enjoying each other’s warmth.

You brought a hand to caress his nape, your fingers threading gently his hair. His face was still nuzzled in the curve of your neck, breathing raggedly on your skin. Then he moved his head and rested it on your chest, humming tiredly but relishing in the gentleness of your touch.

Your hand slid from his nape, now caressing gently over the scratch marks you left. A lazy smile drew on your face when you ran your fingertips over the bumpy lines along the line of his back.

Joshua heard you smile, lifting his head to press your lips with his own in a tender way. “Bad girl,” he whispered playfully. “You’re gonna get me in trouble.”

You arched an eyebrow. “Oh, yeah? I didn’t see a lot of resistance from your part,” you teased.

“How could I resist? You have a very effective method of persuasion,” he smirked, nose wrinkling when you chuckled.

“Do I now? Since when?” 

“Since forever,” he rolled his eyes, laughing at the way your voice raised higher. “And you’ve known it since day one.”

“Mm, I don’t think I did,” you mumbled with a sing-song tone. You did that whenever you flirted with him.

Joshua gave you a sweet smile, one of those that melted your heart. “No? Well, you’ve had me wrapped around your finger ever since.”

Your face took on a more serious look, your gaze fell on his lips. You wished to make this moment longer, to postpone his departure. A dark part inside you, one dominated by greed, wanted to ask him to stay with you.

“I love you,” you whispered, searching his eyes again. You tried to convey with those simple words that you were going to miss him, that you wanted to stay with him in this moment forever.

Joshua read your face, noticing that your mood had dropped a little. “I love you,” he replied, thinking of what to say.

And then, a loud knock came to the door.

You jerked in alarm beneath him, drawing in a sharp breath. “Oh god,” you whispered, stretching your neck to look at the door.

But Joshua did not move.

“Josh, someone’s at the door,” you whispered, your body recoiling again when the knock became louder.

“Pretend we’re not in,” he mumbled, nestling his head on your shoulder again.

You turned to look at him in utter disbelief. “Babe,” you tried to move him with one hand. “Move so that I can see who is knocking.”

“But we’re not in,” he did not move an inch.

But whoever was at the other side of the door was not quitting either, knocking once more with urgency.

Joshua groaned in complete annoyance, pushing his body up with his hands, peeling himself off you. “Wait here,” he commanded, a hand reaching for the blanket on the arm rest and draping it over your body.

You watched him curiously as he put on his boxers and walked up to the door, yanking it open and peering out to the hall. Holding the blanket to your chest, you propped your elbow on the cushions of the couch, trying to get what was happening on the exchange.

Joshua appeared to nod his head, stepping closer to the doorframe as if to cover the interior to the apartment to the eyes of whoever was standing in front of him. He nodded once more, lifting a hand to receive something and closed the door with a sharp move.

He rolled his eyes, exhaling softly as he discarded a piece of paper on the table, walking back to you.

“Who was that?” you asked upon seeing his face scrunched up in annoyance.

“We just got a noise complaint,” he announced. “Another one.”

Your heart dropped. “Why?” you demanded, trying to sit up on the couch but you stopped yourself with a horrified expression: “We can’t have more than two, we’ll get an eviction notice.”

“I know, I know,” he muttered softly, sitting next to you on the edge of the couch. “Relax, baby. We could look for another apartment somewhere else,” he shrugged with ease, but you could tell he was still annoyed.

You gaped at him. “What?” you uttered.

“By the looks of it, they want us out of here,” he explained solemnly.

“Why do you say that?”

“They had a noise complaint printed and ready to deliver it,” he exhaled, pushing his hair back with one hand. “Seems like they were waiting for the perfect moment to do it.”

You eased back, sighing with him. “God,” you frowned. “Well, I don’t like that. We weren’t being loud!”

Joshua arched one eyebrow at your protest.

“Not like other times,” you mumbled sheepishly, but your eyes wandered into the nothingness. Your mind had started to fly through all the possible routes of action.

“Hey,” he mumbled, yanking you away from your thoughts. “It’s okay. We could start looking for an even nicer place, with bigger rooms…” he said, his tone fading off.

“Mmn, yeah,” you replied, not noticing that he had thought of something else.

But he recovered swiftly, patting your tummy gently. “Let’s not think about it right now, yeah?” he suggested, giving you a soft smile. “Let me take care of you.”

He rose to his feet, pushing the blanket off and with great ease, he scooped you from the couch, carrying you in his arms bridal style. You squealed in surprise, but you welcomed the nice act, smiling at him softly.

In the shower, he noticed your dreamy eyes on him. “I wonder,” you asked, bringing a finger to connect the marked spots on his neck and collarbones.

“What?” he asked, finishing to rinse the shampoo from his deep brown hair.

“What your fans might will say about these,” you mumbled, finishing the trail of connected lovebites, the last one sitting bellow his collarbone.

“There’s already a lot of speculation,” he said, grabbing your finger from his chest to kiss the pad.

“Oh? What is it about?”

Joshua shrugged with ease. “It’s mostly a debate between people that think that I have a partner and people that think that I’m a serial fuckboy.”

You snorted at the last bit of the sentence.

“Is that funny?” his studded eyebrow twitched slightly.

“A little,” you mumbled, slipping your arms around his neck. “Serial fuckboy,” you teased with a grin. “If they only knew.”

He rolled his eyes at your teasing. He closed the water tap, being so that you both had finished cleaning up. His hands circled your waist, keeping a hand flatly pressed on your lower back. “They’ll go crazy with their speculations when they see these,” he pointed with his nose to his chest.

“That just comes with the job, right?” you mused, looking at him almost dazedly.

He leaned his face to yours, water dripping down his forehead and the tip of his nose. “I just don’t want them to snoop on what we have together,” he shrugged lightly.

“What if that happens?” you asked on a more serious tone.

His beautiful dark eyes read your face intently, but he just shook his head lightly, placing a kiss on your forehead. “It won’t happen,” he said, his tone lace with promise.

Then he removed his arms from your body, reaching behind you to grab your bathrobe, offering it to you. “You’re pretty sure of that,” you observed as he helped you put the robe on.

“What are you thinking? Do you want to plan?” he offered, darting a look to your face.

You could tell that the topic of conversation made him uncomfortable. He didn't like the idea of the world knowing about you and, quite possibly, ruining your writing career, in which anonymity was a major part.

“I just think that I want to be ready if they find out about our relationship,” you said nonchalantly, exiting the shower and went ahead to towel dry your hair. “If it comes to it, we can handle it. Who knows, maybe it won’t be that bad,” you suggested offhandedly, walking out of the bathroom.

Joshua followed you to the bedroom after wiping himself with his towel. “Wait, you’re not worried about your anonymity?”

“I don’t know, Josh,” you sighed, sitting down on the foot of the bed. You clasped your hands on your towel, pausing pensively. “I think that it’s best if we’re prepared.”

Joshua walked up to you slowly, making your eyes swivel from the wall of the room to meet his gaze. “Why don’t we leave the plans for another night, mn?” he suggested, bringing a hand to your cheek, cupping it briefly.

You nodded, taking in a deep breath. “Alright,” you said.

He pulled a pair of clean boxers up to his waist and turn around to continue packing his bags. You noticed he did this in a near mechanical way, by grabbing the clothes that were already folded from the closet. You drew your legs in and hugged them as you continued to see him finish packing the first of his suitcases.

As Joshua turned to continue with his task, it was then when you noticed his back, red with the marks you left with your fingernails, some of the scratches looked thicker than others. “Oh my god, I marked you up so bad,” you giggled shamefully, bringing a hand to cover your face.

Joshua gave you a confused look, but then he understood. “Is it that bad?” he walked over to the full body mirror you had on one corner of the bedroom, turning to peek to his marked up back.

His eyes fell on you, sitting cross-legged on the bed, one hand covering your face in complete shame. “I’m sorry,” you mumbled.

“It’s not bad, baby,” he decided, turning around to take a few steps toward the foot of the bed where you still sat.

He planted a knee on the edge of the bed, followed by his hands at the same time you laid back, moving your legs for him to slot his body between them.

“I kind of like it,” he said, pressing his lips on the tip of your nose. “I like it when you act all possessive over me,” he smirked. “And I remembered that you have a thing for pain during sex.”

You let out a muffled sigh. “Josh! I don’t think I do,” you countered, but your tone sounded so insecure that it had you smiling shamefully.

“Mn, you bratty little thing, did you like to inflict pain on me?” he purred, enjoying the flustered look on your face. He did not wait for your answer, because he already knew it. “If it makes you feel better, I liked it too.”

“Why don’t we do it more often?” you pried, sneaking a look at his eyes that had your tummy clenching in nervousness.

Joshua had to pause for a second to gather his thoughts. “It’s not the thing that I’m more inclined to do,” he said pensively, his eyelids hooded to look at your face. “And also, I still don’t know how far I can take you.”

“Well then we should try it one day and see,” you offered him a meek smile.

“If you want to, baby,” he whispered, planting a light kiss on the tip of your nose. “Let’s add it to the list.”

Okay, you breathed, noticing the heavy-lidded eyes starting to look drowsy, even his speech had started to become slow and slurry. “Let’s go to bed?” you offered.

Joshua nodded his head slowly. “Let’s go to bed,” he accepted.

You moved on the bed until you reached the fluffy pillows. Scurrying beneath the covers you patiently waited for your boyfriend to occupy his space in your bed. You watched him get beneath the bed sheets beside you, a soft smile drawing on his face when you scooted to him at once.

You had four hours until he had to go to the airport. You saw his phone screen lit up, showing the picture he had of you as his wallpaper. He made no note of your eyes shifting from his phone to his face, he was deep in thought.

“Nervous?” you whispered.

He nodded again, much as if it were sinking within him that these were his last hours of normalcy before he was launched back into the wild-paced life that is being a rockstar.

“You’re going to do great, baby,” you said with a reassuring tone. “I’ll be here cheering you on, watching you.”

A warm feeling poured over his heart. “Once I learn when I have a break, I’ll come see you,” he promised, the feeling in his heart making his tone quiver. “Or I’ll fly you in wherever I’m at.”

Joshua hated how repetitive he sounded. He said this right before he left for his first tour. And you wondered, inevitably, if this time would be different.

“Take things easy,” you mumbled, your speech had started to sound languid too, dragging the words. “I don’t want you to stress yourself over things you can’t control, Joshua. And those you can, take them one at a time.”

Your boyfriend had to pause and let your words take form inside his mind. When he knew what you meant, he nodded. “I’m trying,” he said faintly. He knew you meant well. He did. But he could not help but feel a deep wave of shame wash over him. “I’m trying to get better at this.”

Your eyes dropped. “I know, babe, that’s not what I meant,” you tried to justify, but it was too late. “I–I just mean–I don’t want you to stress yourself too much.” 

He pushed the feeling deep down and nodded. “I won’t, baby. Don’t worry,” he breathed out the words. He shifted under the covers and onto his back. “Come over here,” he motioned you to his chest, and you lied your head on his heart.

You felt his hand searched for yours, and you instinctively held his fingers. He brought your hand to his lips, kissing the tips of your fingers one by one to then kiss your knuckles.

You raised your head a little, planting a kiss on his cheek. “I love you,” you mumbled, drawing his gaze from the darkness to yours.

“I love you,” he mumbled back, pressing your lips with a featherlight kiss. “So much,” he emphasized.

It broke your heart to hold back your true feelings about him leaving. Joshua already looked sad. As though he were mere minutes to leave, not hours. You lied back on his chest, his heartbeat strumming under your ear, bringing you to a quick sleep without you even knowing.

Joshua did not want to leave either. And that thought he carried onto his dreams.

His sleep was interrupted abruptly. A tight feeling trying to choke him was what drove him to snap his eyes open. As his mind gained some lucidity, the bits and pieces of his dream stung his eyes, the tight feeling coiling in his chest giving way to a broken sob.

“Joshua?” you raised your head right away, bringing a hand to touch his cheek. “What’s wrong? Babe?”

It took him some time to realize that he could not move, fear set in instantly, but he held onto the touch of your hands, and the sound of your voice calling his name. First, he blinked the tears away, letting them go unwillingly but his eyes found you, then his hands.

“Joshua, answer me,” he heard you plead, the worry in your tone palpable.

“I’m okay,” he rasped, gulping hard before reassuring, more to himself than to you: “I’m okay.”

“Tell me what’s going on,” you said, not buying his words.

Joshua frowned before he could even understand what you were demanding. He closed his eyes briefly, his eyelids trembled over the tears that threatened to brim in. Fragments of what he saw last flooded his mind and he shook his head, remembering nothing.

“I think it was just a bad dream, baby,” he reassured. But the broken feeling in his chest persisted.

Your thumb caressed his cheek. “You can talk to me,” you mumbled, and when his eyes found your face again, he saw the worry he had heard in your tone.

“I don’t remember anything,” he swore, and he saw your eyes dim. “Let’s go back to sleep.”

You nodded, placing your head back on his chest. Your hand lowered from his cheek, caressing his bare chest.

Joshua heard you release a sigh, and then your body eased back on top of him. The caress of your hand ceased slowly, and then he knew that you had fallen asleep again.

It would not be long before he came back. He would go away from some weeks, then he would come back and leave again; he would have opportunities to come back home to you. To sleeping next to you. Being with you.

But the prospect of not having this frightened him. Joshua had not only fallen in love with you, but with the tiny, quiet life he had by your side. He just had to learn to find the balance between this life he was so in love with and the life he had worked so hard to achieve.

Joshua woke up again to the sound of his alarm, jolting at the frantic stammering of his heart, his fist instinct was to reach for his phone and shut the beeping alarm off.

His arms encircled you again, it seemed as though you had not changed positions, your head was still lying on his chest. You inhaled deeply, breathing in the scent of his skin, humming sweetly as his hand found a way beneath your t-shirt, caressing your back.

Not a word was spoken. But there was an unmistakable feeling lingering in the air that you both tried to push away. Joshua met your cheek with his hand, at the same time that you craned your neck to find his lips with your own.

You brushed his hair back with your hand, a low moan coiling in the back of your throat when he wrapped you with one arm, effortlessly pulling your body on top so your front was fully flushed with his.

His hand moved from your cheek to meet the curve of your waist, sliding down to grip your hips from both sides while you moved your knees on each of his sides, straddling him. Your hands cupped his beautiful face, deepening the slow and sloppy kiss.

Both of you hummed at the same time, Joshua’s low, raspy tone only caused you to sit harder on his lower tummy. His hands helped you move down on him, now pressing your crotch to his, swallowing a moan as your tongue outlined his lower lip.

“Josh, we don’t have time for this,” you whispered, a tiny giggle making your words quiver. “We’ll be late.”

“I don’t care,” he responded gruffly, his hand was already searching for your panties, pushing them aside with one finger as you lifted your hips.

Your hand pushed his boxers down, grabbing his cock by the thick shaft. You rolled your hand once, pumping him a couple of times before easing yourself down on him. A strangled moan came out of you once you bottomed out on him.

“Alright?” he whispered, hearing your groan, and recognizing that it was not entirely from pleasure.

“It’s okay,” you replied, bending over to rest your forehead on his. “I’m just a bit sore from last night, that’s all.”

“We can stop,” he offered, his hands tightening their grip on your hips.

You shook your head. “Just give me a minute,” you mumbled shakily.

Joshua nodded slightly. “Kiss me,” he whispered, moving his hand from your hip to your cheek, bringing your lips to his own.

He moaned as your walls tensed and loosened around his cock, your warmth covering him down to his hilt as your arousal started to drip down. Just to feel him hard and buried deep inside you turned you on so badly you kissed him harder, making him moan.

“You don’t have to move,” he rasped when he felt your hips swaying up and down. “We can stay like this.”

“I want to feel you,” you responded quietly, rolling your hips with a fuller motion. You joined your lips with his, slowly deepening the kiss.

Joshua moaned, letting himself be swallowed by your warmth and love, trying to memorize to heart what it feels like being yours. To be loved by you. He closed his eyes tightly, breathing out the euphoric feeling gripping him wholly.

You pulled back for air, your lips making a soft smacking noise when you broke the kiss. “I love you, Joshua,” you breathed, burying your fingers in his mane of dark hair.

“I love you too,” he responded, his voice thickening with emotion. “You can’t imagine how much.”

Even though it was early in the morning, the airport was busy. As you climbed out of the car, you noticed Joshua’s anxiety kicking in. The posture of his body changed, and his gaze seemed to darken, and it was not only because of the hairs of his fringe tangling with his eyelashes. It was the way he looked around, probably making sure that the coast was clear.

Joshua did this lately. After he made sure that no one had known of his whereabouts, he extended a hand for you to hold. And when you did, he laced his long fingers with yours, pulling you closer as though he did not want you to get caught in the sea of people.

“Do you see Hannie?” he asked quietly beside you, adjusting the mask covering his mouth and squaring his shoulders to shift the backpack hanging on his shoulders.

You shook your head no. In fact, you had not started looking for him until your boyfriend suggested the idea for you.

Finding Jeonghan was quick. And easy. “There,” you squeezed Joshua’s hand with yours and nodded to the man perched on a massage chair.

Jeonghan’s head was lolling to one side languidly, his chest and shoulders shaking as the massage chair worked on his back. Joshua spotted the man as soon as you pointed and changed courses to meet up to him.

“Hey,” Joshua gently budged his shoulder, freeing the handle of his suitcase to do so.

Jeonghan opened his eyes, raising his head to peer under his baseball cap. “Oh, Joshuji,” he giggled awkwardly when his voice vibrated too. “There you are, you two. You’re late.”

“Yeah, you don’t say,” Joshua mumbled dismissively. “Let’s go, Hannie,” he urged the man, budging him another time but firmer, chuckling as he did so.

“Can’t you wait until this thing finishes?” he nagged, but then surrendered quickly when Joshua used his hand again to slap his shoulder. “Ah! Fine, okay,” he sighed, rising to his feet in front of you. “Hi, baby,” he muttered warmly.

“Hi, Jeongjeong,” you smiled at him, seeing his face made your tummy flutter uneasily. His eyes found yours, right before he planted a peck on your lips. His hand brushed your arm gently before he placed one peck on the tip of your nose.

The fluttering feeling intensified, making your breathing ragged. Your eyes shifted to your surroundings, thinking that people would find it weird that you were kissing one man while holding the hand of another man.

But you found out that no one was paying attention to you.

“Come on,” Joshua squeezed your hand gently.

“Okay,” Jeonghan conceded, following you when Joshua pulled you to his direction as he strode to do check his bags. Where you stayed back with Jeonghan as you both waited for Joshua.

“You’re okay, princess?” Jeonghan asked quietly, standing with his arms crossed and closely behind you.

You turned to see his eyes, partly covered by his cap. “Yeah, I’m okay,” you replied flatly, but your lie was made obvious by the way you quickly yanked your gaze from his face. “You know,” you sighed. “I don’t want to say goodbye.”

“Well, it’ll just be a few weeks,” he said in a consoling tone. “And we are going to visit him, we’ll watch him play for the biggest venues, it’ll be fine.”

You searched his eyes one more time. The confidence and reassurance he offered you never failed to do their work.

And he also never failed to read you perfectly well. “It’s not that what’s got you anxious, is it?” he mumbled with a lower tone.

You swallowed your words.

“What happened to trusting him?” he mused, the slightest of smirks playing on his lips. “When did that fly out the window?”

“I’m just overthinking,” you brushed off, sending a glance towards your boyfriend and felt guilty. “I didn’t like doing long distance the first time he went away.”

Jeonghan rolled his eyes. “Again, baby. It’ll be just a few weeks,” he leaned his head to his shoulder, looking at you with gentle eyes. “Don’t be afraid. Let’s just trust him, okay?”

Joshua was walking back to you and Jeonghan, you knew by the look on his face that he needed to go. “The boys are at the gates already,” he mentioned, sighing with heavy reluctance, and looked to you. “I have to go now.”

You nodded, but you could not stop the remorse gripping your heart. “Yeah, okay,” you forced out.

Joshua scanned the features of your face briefly before turning to Jeonghan. They exchanged a meaningful look, making you wish for the nth time to tap into the wavelength they jealously kept to themselves. But you kept your eyes on them as Joshua extended a hand for Jeonghan to clasp firmly.

Joshua pulled him into a hug. “Ah, okay,” Jeonghan muttered with an air of awkwardness, being caught by surprise. “I’ll miss you too, Joshuji,” he coughed up a chuckle.

“Take care, Jeonghannie,” Joshua brought up his hand to pat on his best friend’s head, and something told you this used to be a normal exchange between them.

“Yeah, you too,” Jeonghan darted a look to your face. “Keep in touch, yeah? Don’t be a stranger.”

It was then that you felt some semblance of reassurance. You could feel your own distractions dissipating as soon as you saw the two men you love hugging each other. Joshua was trying to change, so you had to let go of your fears too.

“Course,” Joshua muttered as he stepped back, a weary look in his eyes as these searched you one more time.

You reached out to him just as his arms wrapped you in, once your chest was tightly pressed against his, you let out a tiny sob.

“No, baby, don’t cry, please,” he muttered, turning his face so he could press a kiss on the crown of your head.

You took a big gulp of air to calm your sobs. “I’ll miss you, Josh,” you told him, tightening your arms around his torso.

“I’ll miss you too, baby,” he replied with a strained voice. As soon as he heard your sobs, the sharp feeling returned to grip his heart. “I’ll call you. Every day.”

“Please,” you whispered shakily, moving your face to meet his.

The feeling coiled around his heart tighter when he saw your teary eyes, but you kept yourself steady and strong as you locked eyes with him. Your plea to him was clear, and he nodded to you.

“I promise,” he whispered back, leaning down to press his lips in your forehead.

You grabbed his face with your hands, giving him a quick kiss. “I love you,” you mumbled meekly.

Joshua sighed, smiling at the shyness you displayed. “Kiss me properly,” he giggled into your mouth before slotting his lips between yours.

A warm tingling feeling invaded you, lingering beneath your hot cheeks. The kiss deepened, and even if you were aware of Jeonghan’s eyes on both you and Joshua, you let yourself ease into the kiss, moving your lips on his in a seamless dance.

“I love you,” he mumbled with a sweet smile, leaning to press a kiss on the tip of your nose.

And with that, Joshua released you from his embrace, patting Jeonghan’s shoulder right before turning to walk towards the gates, where he joined the mass of people and eventually disappeared.

Joshua was gone again.

The ride back home was a strong reminiscent of the first time Joshua left on tour.

The sun was rising, the wet pavement was shimmering with the sunlight and from the rain that washed overnight. The windows of the car were covered with a light layer of mist, you rubbed your hands together, trying to warm them up a little.

You lifted one finger and drew a smiley face on the car window.

“Oi,” Jeonghan jolted you awake. “No drawing on the windows!” he berated you playfully.

You added some rays around the face, turning it into a smiley sun.

“Ah, you little…” he giggled, sliding a hand on your thigh. “So, have you decided what you want for breakfast?”

You shook your head, gaze falling on Jeonghan’s hand parked on your thigh. “I just want to go home.”

“Okay, home it is then,” he mumbled sweetly.

You paused for a second. “I do want blueberry muffins, though.”

“Ah, alright,” he giggled, patting your thigh gently. “Let’s go get muffins, baby.”

You knew that Jeonghan had commenced his plan to distract you from the emptiness of going back to an empty apartment. When you got there, and saw the table cluttered with the stuff from the dinner of the night before, it was not as painful as you thought it would be.

Jeonghan kept quiet at first, helping you remove the cups of wine and taking them to the sink. The glances he sent to check on you continued until he decided you were alright, that your silence was not because you felt sad, and although you did, it was merely because you were going to miss Joshua.

“Do you want coffee?” Jeonghan, his soft voice breaking through the barriers of your mind.

“I’d love that,” you replied, offering him a reassuring smile.

You followed him to the kitchen, putting the rest of the plates in the sink. “Leave that there,” Jeonghan muttered as you reached for the scrub. “I’ll do the dishes.”

“You don’t have to, Hannie,” you said, noticing that he was trying to accommodate to your gloomy mood and do nice things for you.

“But I want to,” he shrugged, but then you saw a light smirk lifting the corners of his pretty lips. “You do the breakfast, though. It’s your turn,” he said, finishing with a broader smile.

��Pff, okay,” you huffed, a smile appearing on your face.

Jeonghan’s eyes lit up, outlining the features of your face swiftly. “And then maybe we could watch a movie,” he offered, trying to hold your gaze for as long as he could. “But then I have to go to work.”

You raised your eyes to his. And he noticed the question written in your face.

“Wanna come with?”

You nodded with your head silently.

“Okay, then,” he breathed in, pressing the button on the coffee maker on. Then he busied himself with doing the dishes, swiftly looking your way as you prepared two omelettes.

A shy smile crept on your face, being scrutinized by his sweet brown eyes just made you feel uneasy. Jeonghan noticed, moving to stand behind you so you would not feel his gaze on you, but then he did matters worse. His arms encircled your waist, hugging you from behind, his chest pressed to your back.

“What?” he asked when you lowered your head, smiling when he pressed a kiss on your shoulder.

“Nothing,” you mumbled, squirming slightly when his breath fanned your nape. “You make me nervous.”

“Why?” he whispered, he looked at your eyes, then your lips.

“I like you,” you replied in kind. You thought it was obvious.

The way his eyes lit up made your stomach flutter with butterflies. “I like you more, princess,” he said, his low tone quivering.

Your cheeks tingled, making you focus back on the stove and served two plates almost in a methodical way. “Do you think it’s strange?” you pried. “That I want to be with two people at once?”

“You know I don’t think so,” he replied matter-of-factly. “If the real question is, do I think people would find it strange, then yes.”

You coughed up a chuckle. “That’s helpful,” you scoffed, but you could not ignore that it had deflated you a little.

“But they’re not us,” you felt him shrug behind you. “What matters is what happens between Joshua, you and me, right?”

“What do you think?”

Jeonghan pondered for a second. He stopped hugging you and took the plates from the counter, turning to set them on the table. "Sit," he nodded to the chair before turning back to grab the two cups of coffee.

You sat down as Jeonghan set a cup down on the table for you and then himself. He then dropped himself into the seat next to you, a hand flipping the visor of baseball cap.

The tips of his ears poked out; his hair tucked behind them. You instinctively reached out to push some lose hairs behind his ear, drawing his heavy lashed eyes to yours.

A small smile appeared on his face as he caught your hand, pressing his lips to the pads of your fingers. Your stomach dropped in nervousness.

“So?”

“I don’t think it’s weird that you want to be with Joshua and me at the same time,” he said, sinking his fork into the omelette. As he chewed on his food, he lifted his gaze to the ceiling, appearing to be formulating his sentence: “I think we haven’t talked about the… more complicated aspects of dating two people at the same time. At least not the three of us.”

“Oh, so you have. You and Joshua?” you raised your eyebrows.

He nodded. “I asked him if he was sure about all of this,” his lips pouted as he chewed.

“What did he say?” you asked slowly.

“Eat,” he motioned to your untouched food, noticing that you were so caught up with the conversation that you forgot to eat your omelette. “I asked why he agreed to this, since he’s the most jealous guy I’ve ever known,” he shrugged, pausing with the piece of omelette in front of his mouth. “He says he doesn’t know why, but he wants this. You know?”

You nodded, chewing on your food.

“But I think we need to have this conversation again, the three of us when he comes back,” he continued, much as if his thoughts had organized neatly in his head. “Because I’m new to this, sometimes I feel like I’m catching up to the two of you.”

“I’m new to this too,” you frowned.

“I mean that I’m sort of… joining the two of you. Joshua and you already have an established relationship,” his eyes flitted around the room. From the two large noise amps that sat on the corner of the living room, to the table beside the dining table covered in photo frames of shots of you and Joshua. His eyes glanced at the shoe rack by the front door, filled with your and Joshua’s shoes before resting on you once more. “I just got to the party.”

You smiled at the way he conceptualized the polycule you have arranged. You set your elbow on the table, resting your head on your fist. “Well, we have time to bring you up to speed,” you smirked at him.

That seemed to catch his attention. His eyebrow quirked up. “Mm, I like to hear that,” he smirked back at you. He looked at your other hand resting on the table and did not hesitate to take it in his, his fingers playing with yours. “When do we start?”

“Today,” you giggled when you did not skip a beat to give him your answer. “You need to get ready because you're going to speed through this, old man.”

Jeonghan laughed, the sound of his chuckles warming your heart. “Oh yeah?” he arched an eyebrow. “What are we going to speed through today?”

“I don’t know what the steps are,” you admitted. “Joshua and I kind of flew through the steps to having conventional a relationship.”

“And I just got here to make it even more unconventional?” he added, smirking playfully.

“Or to make it more fun,” you quipped but then you shook your head. “I don’t know. You could take me out on a fancy dinner. Give me a reason to dress up.”

“Is that step number one?” he asked, enjoying your playful back and forth.

“Oh, no, you’re in like step number five already,” you quipped with a light chuckle.

“Ah, yeah?” he raised his eyebrows. “When did I climb the other four steps?”

You held up a hand and showed him your pointer finger, signaling a number one. “We hold hands,” you held up another finger, signaling number two. “We’ve kissed, multiple times. Three, we’ve slept together, four we’ve had sex–,”

“Multiple times,” he rolled his eyes. “Yeah, you’re right. What’s next?”

You shrugged. “You tell me,” taking a big gulp from your cup of coffee.

“I’d like you to meet my friends,” he said, giving you a meaningful look.

Jeonghan gave a lot of importance to his friendships. You knew that even before you met him, since Joshua told you about him, about him being his greatest confidant. So, meeting his friends meant a lot to him.

Your ears perked up at this. “Oh, your friends from work?” you asked, and he nodded with his head meekly. “Let’s do it. I’d love that.”

“Nice,” he smiled with satisfaction. “Step number five.”

“You’re gonna grow bored,” he commented off-handedly as he held the door open for you.

“That’s why I brought a book with me,” you replied with a sing-song tone. “I don’t really know what you do for your job, so I probably will be paying attention to you.”

“That’s not…” he sighed and dropped his gaze to the ground, smiling shyly. He took your hand, looking at your fingers as you laced them with his.

You laughed in nervousness at your own bad attempts at flirting.

Jeonghan lead you through the establishment. You had been here before, but everything you remembered about the place was a blur. That time you were distraught, your mind was cluttered with thoughts about your big argument with Joshua, and your feelings for Jeonghan.

The interior of the place was beautiful, it struck you along with its quietness. As you followed Jeonghan through its cold halls, you marvelled at the walls decorated with large posters of their most successful plays.

“This way,” Jeonghan whispered, not really noticing that you saw his name plastered on one of the posters. He opened a door to you, showing you to the room that extended bellow you in rows of seats, and large steps that lead to the big stage. “Come on.”

The stage was not vacant, as you initially had expected. A group of people sat in a circle, and some were practicing a choreography in the background, a couple of men pushing a large stage prop to one corner.

It was so packed in fact that no one noticed you and Jeonghan coming in. “Wait here,” he mumbled, showing you to one seat in the front row.

You watched as Jeonghan paced towards the stage, rolling the sleeves of his hoodie up to his elbows. Something encircling his wrist caught your eye, just as he grabbed it to toy with it. It was your scrunchie, and it had been so long since you had seen it that it brought a smile to your face.

You sat down on the seat, closely following Jeonghan. He put himself to work at once, he was handed a tablet and people approached him, you saw him nod and shake his head, then he pointed at the stage lights.

He nodded to the person he was speaking to and seemingly came to an agreement. Then he turned, looking at the tablet in his hands as he approached your seat in the front row.

“Bored yet?” he asked, seating himself beside you.

“The opposite,” you grinned. “What are you doing?”

He lowered the tablet on his thigh. “Just doing a general revision before this rehearsal. We’re closer to putting this show together. These are the final days before the opening show,” he motioned to the table sitting on his lap. “And here I can see which are the scenes we’re going to rehearse, and I know what to oversee.”

You moved your head up and down, slowly. “Interesting,” you noted. “And what scene are we rehearsing today?”

Jeonghan leaned to your side, looking at the screen. “At the gates of Emerald city,” he recited the title scene with a pleased tone. “So, lightings, costume changes, the song, and choreography. Easy.”

You raised your eyebrows at him. “Easy, eh?” you mumbled.

He sucked in a breath through his teeth pensively. “I just have to make sure that everything’s going smoothly, you know?” he smirked. “Imagine I’m the teacher and the class are showing me their homework.”

You laughed, and that brought a big smile to his face. “And that’s all you do?”

“I get the playwright, the writers, the cast, the crew, and the budget,” he listed with a straight face, but you saw the cunning in his eyes. “I call the shots, baby.”

You snorted but drew from his confidence to say: “Alright, chief. Let’s see what you got.”

Jeonghan’s eyes flashed back to you, then to your lips. “Ready when you are,” he mumbled, continuing to lean to you when–

“Director-nim!” a snappy voice called from below one end of the stage. You followed the sound of the voice. The young man was flashing Jeonghan an annoyed look.

“What?” Jeonghan responded, his tone dropping to one you rarely heard on him.

“Yoon Jeonghan! Stop flirting and come here!”

“This guy,” he said under his breath as he stood up. “I’ll be right back,” he told you as he approached the group where the young man was showing him a daring smile.

The phone you stuck between your thighs started vibrating, pulling you out of your focus. Joshua’s name displayed on the screen, along with a photo of him that you took on one of your dates.

“Hi, handsome,” you responded to his call, a smile spreading on your face almost at once.

“Hi, beautiful,” his sweet voice came to your ear a second after. “I just landed.”

“How was your flight? You sound tired,” you noted.

“I didn’t get much sleep on the flight. But we’re on the way to the hotel and hopefully I can sleep before I begin with the promotional activities,” his tone dropped slightly, then he paused pensively before: “I can’t wait till I’m back home. I miss you already.”

A spasm in your chest made you choke out. “I miss you too, babe,” you replied, sneaking a look to Jeonghan walking back to you.

“I’ll call you when I’m at the hotel,” Joshua said. “I have to go.”

“Okay,” you mumbled. “Love you.”

“I love you too, baby.”

Jeonghan sat down beside you again, a knowing look on his face as he motioned a question with one movement of his head. “Everything okay?”

You tucked your phone between your thighs again. “Yeah. Everything’s okay. Josh just landed,” you sighed and looked back at him. “You?”

Jeonghan nodded when he saw your assurance. “These brats were trying to grab my attention,” he said with a hint of annoyance, which was quickly replaced with a cheeky smile. “They want to know who you are.”

“Oh, are they your friends?” you asked, sending a quick glance to the small group of performers gathered to one side of the stage. You caught the eye of one of the men. And you recognized him right away.

Jeonghan leaned back on the seat, crossing one leg as he nodded. “My friends first. Then I tried to get them into castings, and when I got my company settled they were there every step of the way.”

“They seem… fun,” you frowned, paying attention to the commotion that was starting to take place in the small group of Jeonghan’s friends. “I know one of them.”

“Who, Seokmin?” he guessed right away.

“Yeah, he was–,”

“Joshua’s flatmate, yeah. I introduced them,” he smirked.

“And you think it’s okay to introduce them to me like this?” you asked sheepishly.

“Well, we don’t have to give any explanation,” he shrugged. “But I do see how this could be uncomfortable for you.”

“I just don’t want people close to Joshua to think that I’m cheating on him,” you whispered, dropping your gaze to your hands.

Jeonghan stilled. “Yeah, I didn’t think of that,” he sighed with a hint of disappointment. “Maybe we could do this another way.”

Your heart deflated at once. “I still want to meet them.”

He pondered about it for a second. “I don’t want people to think you cheated on Joshua either,” he agreed, pursing his lips. “Tell you what, let’s wait for another opportunity. With a lot more privacy.”

You looked around the theatre room, catching several pairs of curious eyes on both you and Jeonghan. “Yeah, you’re right.”

After being with him all day in what truly felt like a regular day you would spend with a partner, Jeonghan took you to dinner with him, and went for a stroll, talking about everything and nothing while holding hands.

It had been a nice time, but more pressing matters distracted you: work. You needed to work since the last few days your focus was on enjoying Joshua’s last days at home.

“Are you… staying the night?” you asked as the car turned down the street you lived in.

Jeonghan had one hand on the steering wheel, and the other was clasped with yours. “No, baby, not tonight,” he decided after two long seconds.

“Can I ask why?” you asked with caution.

“I have to do some work early tomorrow. Plus, I don’t have clothes, or a toothbrush,” he replied with a shrug.

You looked at your hands laced together. “You can bring some of your things, so you can stay someday… if you want.”

You hated how tiny and vulnerable you sounded. But you did not want to spend the night alone.

But Jeonghan did not notice, his focus was on pulling to the curb right in front of your building. “I’ll bring some in, baby,” he replied aloofly.

“Okay,” you replied begrudgingly.

But you did not make a motion to exit the car yet, your seatbelt was still put on, your hand still in his. Jeonghan smiled, noticing your reluctance. “Come here,” he breathed, leaning towards you, a pair of fingers slipping beneath your jaw to kiss your lips tenderly. “See you tomorrow?”

“See you tomorrow, Hannie,” you replied with a sweet smile like his.    

Midnight Haze Rocks the World: New Album Breaks Streaming Records in 24 Hours

Read the headline on your monitor screen. A picture of the three members of Midnight Haze appeared on top of the article published that morning. It was the third day since Joshua left for his first tour with his band Midnight Haze. And as expected, the internet flooded with overwhelming love for their phenomenal skyrocketing to success.

As such, a lot of eyes were posed on Joshua. A deluge of articles and videos were coming out every day, about his personal life, about his artistic process to write his lyrics, and speculations about his lovers.

Joshua was right. There was a huge part of Midnight Haze’s following that suspected he had a partner. And there was an even larger part that suspected that he was no more than a womanizer.

To some extent, it was painful to read some of the things you found online. And as much as you wanted to avoid it, you could not. So you did what you knew best: bury yourself in work.

Midnight Haze Sold-Out World Tour Breaks Box Office Records

It had been ten days since Joshua left.

His texts came less often. Same as his phone calls. Whenever he did call or text, he said he was busy, stressed. But he was trying to keep in touch with you. And that was all that mattered.

Midnight Haze’s Joshua Hong and Mysterious Woman Spark Romance Rumors at Exclusive Event

It was fourteen days since Joshua left. It was becoming more difficult to ignore the headlines and rumours created around him to draw in attention from the public and his fans. Although he seemed more consumed by the fast-paced nature of his job, he still called everyday.

Deciding you had your fill of nonsense you found online, you rested your head in your arm, sighing deeply in exhaustion.

“Baby, wake up,” Jeonghan’s soothing voice pulled you from your dreams.

You lifted your head abruptly, drawing in a breath. “I’m up,” you blurted sluggishly. “What’s up?”

Jeonghan giggled as you rubbed your eyes. You were in your studio, sitting on your armchair. There was drool smeared on your cheek, as you came to find out when you rubbed your face.

“You fell asleep,” Jeonghan pointed, giving you a kind smile. “Let’s go to bed.”

“When did you get here?” you slurred out. The room had darkened, the only source of light coming from your double monitor idle screens.

“Just got here,” he said, and you had started to notice the hint of concern in his voice. “Go to bed, so you can sleep better.”

You turned to your screen to look at the time. You had been asleep like this for nearly four hours. “Oh no,” you gasped. “I slept for too long. I must keep working.”

“Why?” he asked slowly. “You’re clearly tired, baby. Sleep some more and come back when you feel more refreshed.”

“Mmn,” you pondered his request for a second. You ran your sleeve over the tiny puddle of drool on your desk and looked at him.

Jeonghan was standing beside you, looking at you as if you were a baby in your crib. “You missed here,” he whispered, bringing the tip of his finger to the corner of your lips.

You slapped your hand to your lips, wiping the drool that was there.

He giggled. “Come on, princess, let’s go to bed,” he egged, motioning to the door to the bedroom.

You shook your head. “I want tea,” you pushed yourself from the chair.

“Tsk,” he sighed heavily, but he followed you down the hall, nonetheless.

“I don’t want to hear it,” you mumbled groggily, knowing what was coming.

“You’re overworking yourself again, Princess,” he reprimanded.

“Here we go,” you said in a sing-song tone.

“Just rest for a day!” he suggested with earnest. “You’ll feel better, and probably will get more work done.”

“I can’t rest, the deadline to submitting the first draft is nearer,” you protested as you got to the kitchen, getting to the electric kettle, filling it with water and turning it on. “And I’m nowhere near done this draft.”

“There is nothing wrong with taking a break for one day,” Jeonghan tilted his head to one side, his brown eyes following you. “Just take a break for once.”

You locked eyes with him, now considering his request.

“For me,” he added, the corners of his lips tightening, trying not to break into a smile.

“Pfft,” you scoffed loudly when he finally gave in, laughing merrily at his own cheesy addition. “See, I was considering it, until you said that,” you pointed.

“Please?” he said, bringing a halt to his laughs and his features took on a more serious look. “Just for tonight.”

“Okay. Just for tonight,” you conceded, heart fluttering uneasily when he smiled in victory. “Tea?” you raised your eyebrows.

“Sure,” he muttered, nodding with his head once. He had crossed his arms on his chest, his eyes trained on you as you moved in the kitchen. “Did you stay up writing last night?” he pried.

“And the night before that,” you sighed, handing him a mug of tea with milk. “It’s just not going well.”

“Can I ask why?” he leaned back on the kitchen counter.

“It’s just a writer’s block,” you shrugged, but both of you knew that was not true.

“What is the problem?” he asked again, his tone was gentle, it gave you that cozy sense of familiarity he never failed to give you.

“I just can’t…” you started faintly, toying with the teaspoon. “I’m out of ideas. I planned the whole book, the whole trilogy, but I just can’t string them together. I’m paying too much attention to tiny details, and I can’t get my creativity flowing.”

Jeonghan pursed his lips. “It seems like you have the problem narrowed down.”

“Yeah,” you said dejectedly. “I just can’t solve it.”

“Well, stepping back can help,” he shrugged, flashing you a knowing look. “Maybe you need to… reframe your initial ideas.”

It was reasonable that Jeonghan had experience with this. His line of work is very similar to yours, in some way. Even if he did not always write the plays he directs, he knew what a creative block was.

You rolled your eyes to the ceiling, humming pensively as you tried to retrieve your answer. “I wanted this book to be like a bridge gapping the first and the third book but, now it just feels like I’ve written myself into a corner.”

“Don’t say that,” he protested, leaving his mug aside. “I get that you’re stressed and the deadline and all that,” a hand reached out to grab yours, gently pulling you towards him. “But you’re talented and smart enough to get out of any corner you find yourself in.”

His arm circled on your lower back, and your hand fell on his chest. It brought a smile to your face to hear his words. “Thank you, Jeonghan,” you said. “You’re right. I just focused on the smallest details, now I feel jaded.”

He nodded in understanding. “I know how that feels,” he said, his kind voice lowering a little. “Listen, why don’t we just relax for now? Continue tomorrow, take it one step at a time, see where that gets you.”

You nodded, sighing deeply. “Alright.”

Jeonghan smiled cutely at you, making tiny dimples appear on his chin. “You got this, baby,” he mumbled.

“Thank you, Jeonghan,” you whispered, meekly pushing yourself on your tiptoes to reach his lips with a kiss.

“Don’t thank me,” he breathed, his other hand came up to cup the back of your head, his fingers tangling with your hair. He slotted his lips between yours, and you tasted the sweetness of green tea mixed with sugar in his kiss.

“Mmn,” your hands found his face. Jeonghan’s kisses were always tender, and delicate. Almost as if kissing the petals of a rose. Even during make-out sessions, just as this moment was turning into, he kept his lips gentle on yours.

But he pulled away too quickly, sucking in a breath between his teeth. Dropping his head back, he stared at the ceiling. Jeonghan had been doing this for the past few days: stopping himself before the kissing went too far.

“What’s wrong?” you mumbled.

He shook his head silently, and then he lowered his eyes to meet yours. “Let’s go to bed,” he suggested, taking your hand again.

“Okay,” you whispered, a coy smile appearing on your face.

“Knock it off,” he snapped, but he started smiling too.

“I didn’t do anything!” you giggled as he took you to the bedroom. “What’s with that serious face? I thought you were onto something.”

“Careful, princess,” he cautioned, but you heard the hint of playfulness in his tone.

“Or what?” you smirked as you sat down on your bed and kept your eyes on him as he emptied the pockets of his black sweats on the nightstand. His phone, the keys to his car and apartment, and a green vape pen.

“Or nothing,” he huffed, motioning at the bed. “Are you going to lie down?”

“Yeah, I just…” you saw him lie down on the mattress; legs spread wide open. You sighed.  “I’ll change into pjs,” you announced, a smirk painted on your face as you rose to your feet, stripping your cozy pullover with one movement and then your pants.

“Tsk,” he clicked his tongue and reached for his vape pen, tucking it between his rosy lips. Even as you turned your back to him, you knew his eyes were on your semi-naked body. You sent him a glance to confirm your suspicions were true and smiled.

“Don’t smoke in my bedroom,” you chastised him, but your tone was made insecure by his eyes staring at you.

“I’m not smoking,” he mumbled faintly, and his statement was true. He had not drawn from his vape pen yet, but he kept it tucked between his lips.

You finished smoothing Joshua’s oversized t-shirt over your frame and walked to the bed. Jeonghan watched you crawl to where he occupied the mattress, which was your side of the bed.

“What does it taste like?” you wondered, tilting your head in curiosity.

Jeonghan said nothing, he just handed you his vape pen, matching your curiosity with his eyes. And you took it, you tried to mimic his movements you always saw him do by tucking the tip between your lips. A faint smirk appeared on his face when you sent him a glance and sucked in a breath from the vape pen.

You started coughing at once. The light smoke invaded your throat and coating it with an overly sweet taste, making it impossible to get an actual experience of what Jeonghan was so addicted to. He chuckled as your coughing died.

“It’s slowly, baby,” he instructed, taking the vape pen from your hand gently and motioned your eyes to him. “Like taking a small sip from a straw.”

He took a draw from the vape pen slowly, his throat bobbing as he seemingly swallowed the smoke, and then exhaled it through his mouth and nose.

“Try it.”

You sent him a reluctant look, but took the pen to your mouth, nonetheless. Slowly, you sucked in a breath once again, getting a taste of the green apple flavor that reminded you of Jeonghan. Then you quickly blew the light smoke with your lips.

“That was disappointing,” you mumbled. 

“What did you expect?” he chuckled.

“This is what you’re so addicted to?” you raised your eyebrows, giving the pen back to him.

“No,” he rolled his eyes. “I was that or tobacco. And I just need to keep my hands and mouth busy. This helps,” he signaled to the vape pen.

“Hands and mouth busy, eh?” you smirked.

“Shut up,” he hissed, but a wide smile took over the features of his face.

“Make me,” you whispered, zeroing your eyes on him in a tantalizing way.

Jeonghan paused, the only sign that he was not expecting you say that was a single twitch of an eyebrow. He took a long draw, an even longer one, that went on for seconds, filling his chest out with smoke.

“Come here,” he said, not letting go of even a ghost of smoke through his lips. He extended one arm, his hand cupping your cheek, holding your face inches away from his. “Open your mouth.”

You instinctively parted your lips, just as he exhaled the smoke he had been holding in his chest, pouring it into your mouth. It felt cold, it tasted like green apples, it filled your senses with the taste of him as you exhaled.

Jeonghan sealed your lips with a kiss so soft it had you asking for more. You moaned, a hand coming to hold his face to help you kiss him harder, enticingly. “Princess,” he grunted through your continued attacks with your lips. “You need to rest.”

You pulled away from his lips, looking at him in utter disbelief. “Okay,” you frowned.

Rejected, you lied down on the opposite side of the bed to Jeonghan, turning over so your back was to him. Your heart deflated with pangs of pain at each beat, your mind riddled with questions as to why he was keeping you at arm’s length.

You jolted in surprise when Jeonghan’s arm encircled your waist, nuzzling his face in your hair. Just as he did the last time he slept in your bed.

“Are we just cuddling?” you sulked.

“Yep. Just cuddling,” he mumbled, scooting his body to yours so he could perfectly spoon you.

“Why?” you whispered, closing your eyes to push down the tears trying to sting them. You felt ridiculous.

“You need to rest,” he repeated with a calming tone.

“Jeonghan,” you turned over to see his face. “Did I do something wrong?”

He frowned. “No,” he shook his head. “Why do you say that?”

“You haven’t been… as physical as usual,” you mumbled out with caution. “I’m beginning to think that I’m doing something wrong.”

Jeonghan blinked, an alarmed look settling in the features of his face. “I just wanted to take my time with you,” he said, gentleness coating his words. Once he saw your features relax, he continued: “We started with the wrong foot. I wanted you to get to know me outside of the sexual aspect, you know?”

“But I do know you outside of the sexual aspect,” you blurted. “You’re my best friend.”

As soon as the words left your mouth, you wished to take them back. 

“That’s not…” Jeonghan sighed with a frustrated air. “When you mentioned the steps to a relationship, I thought we could take it slow, and let you know me intimately.”

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, yanking your gaze from his face.

“No, I’m sorry,” he replied in the same fashion. “I never wanted to make you feel rejected.”

You noticed for the first time, how struggling it was for him to speak out his inner thoughts. He was an excellent communicator sometimes, but it was different when it came to his feelings.

“It’s okay,” you reassured, now enclosing the space between you on the bed, so you could entangle your body with his. “But I’m confused. I do know you intimately.”

He shook his head lightly. “You mean as your friend,” he said wearily. “I mean as a boyfriend.”

Your heart stopped, and the moment between you too. In all the past few weeks you have been with Jeonghan, in all the considerations you were trying to bring into the relationship, you somehow thought that was a given.

“Wait,” he blurted, closed his eyes tightly and then: “I want to ask you formally.”

You blinked at him, a smile slowly curving your lips. “It’s okay,” you repeated. “I’d like that, Jeongjeong.”

“You would?” he smirked. “I’m sorry, it’s been a while since I’ve done serious relationships. And I’m old. So, I don’t know what’s in anymore.”

“You’re not old,” you said slowly. “And I don’t know what’s in either, so… Chances are that whatever you have in mind is something I like.”

“Okay,” he sighed, looking more relaxed, but then he pressed his lips into a tight line. “Just so you know, it was never within my intentions to make you feel like I don’t want you.”

“It’s okay,” you reassured with a light smile. “It was just confusing to me why you didn’t want to be physical anymore.”

Jeonghan let out a low chuckle. “Princess, believe me, there’s nothing more I want right now,” he rolled his eyes in shame. “Especially when you undress yourself in front of me, doing those sounds when I kiss you.”

You had to laugh at his face in complete frustration. “Well, if you had said something about it, I wouldn’t have teased you so much,” you pouted.

“Ah, really?” he snickered. “Really, princess? I don’t believe that for a second,” he emphasized.

“Why, don’t I get the benefit of the doubt?”

“Not when you’re both mine and Joshua’s partner, mm-mmn,” he negated with his head on the pillow.

“What is that supposed to mean?” you asked, though pointlessly. 

“You’re a tease,” he said with an obvious tone. “You know what will work on me because it works on him.”  

“Mmph,” you hummed thoughtfully. “You know I don’t see it like that.”

But it did sound familiar to something Joshua said a couple of months ago. It was something that you had started to find very real: Jeonghan and Joshua were so similar to the point it could be eerie. And it did not seem impressive to Joshua that Jeonghan would find you attractive, because he also did.

“Let’s go to sleep,” he said after taking a look at your face.

“Okay,” you conceded, turning over again to be cuddled by his body.

Some moments later, you could still hear him breathing normally. His movements were kept at minimum, but you knew he was still awake. He shifted slightly behind you, you heard the rustle of the bedsheets, when he moved his head on your pillow.

You just closed your eyes, trying to fall asleep but his body behind you was too distracting, your feet bumped into his, the warmth pooling inside your tummy making you smile.

Jeonghan shifted again on the bed, encircling his arm around your waist languidly, now his body fully pressed against yours. You could understand the reason why he struggled to find a position to rest with your body close to his.

“Are you okay?” you breathed.

He blinked, darting a look to your face. “Yeah, I’m just…” he sighed, smiling shyly at you. “You’re very warm.”

“You don’t like it?” you frowned. “We don’t have to cuddle, we could–,”

“I do like it,” he cut in. “That’s not the problem.”

“Then what is?” you mumbled, giggling softly at his indecision.

When you went to bed, you had forgotten to close the blinds completely, a faint light coming from the windows painted his face in a pale white color. You could see his eyes properly as he contemplated his answer.

“I don’t think I can wait much longer,” he mumbled, laughing sheepishly at his own demise. “I thought I could, but I guess I’m not so strong when it comes to you.”

Jeonghan had his arm folded and tucked under his head, so that way his eyes lowered to find your face as you turned over, your back pressed against the mattress.

“Well, you’ve been edging me and yourself for nearly two weeks now,” you said, smiling at him as he laughed harder. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“I want to be a good boyfriend to you,” he pursed his lip into a pout. But his hand parked on your tummy over your t-shirt.

Your heart stammered in your chest frantically, making your blood rush to your face. “You are a good boyfriend, Jeonghan,” you mumbled, flashing him a cheeky smile. “You can be a good boyfriend and have sex with me.”  

“I–,” he broke into an airy laugh, squeezing his eyes in utter shyness. “Don’t tempt me, princess. You’re tired and haven’t slept well.”

“Mmn, okay,” you said, but you could see it in his eyes: Jeonghan wanted you. His rosy lips parted slightly, his heavy-lidded eyes reading your face. “Come here, baby,” you whispered, sneaking a hand on his nape to pull him to your face.

Jeonghan reciprocated the need of your lips without skipping a second. The strangled sound that coiled in his throat only egged you on, your hands slid from his nape to graze his scalp with the tips of your fingers.

“Call me that again,” he breathed gruffly into your mouth as he repositioned his body on top of yours.

You paused, looking at his face that was now hovering on top of yours. “Baby,” you hummed, an ecstatic shudder shaking you when he saw the fascination flash in his eyes. “Kiss me… please.”

Jeonghan leaned down but stopped before he could reach your lips, a smile broke the features of his face. “You’re going to be the death of me. You know that, right?”

The tip of his nose bumped with yours playfully taunting you before he slotted his pretty lips with yours. You felt the weight of the pillows shifting when he placed his forearms on the sides of your head, caging you in. Blindly, you parted your legs for him just as he slotted himself between them.

He kept kissing you, he never stopped. The softness to which he was kissing you made you drunk, wanting more. “Hannie…” you whispered, turning your head as his lips kissed the apple of your cheek, trailing down to the line of your jaw.

“Tell me what you want,” he mumbled faintly, his breath fanning a spot below your earlobe.

You recounted in your head every sexual experience you have had with Jeonghan so far. Narrowing down what had made you so dissatisfied the last time you had sex with him was easy: there was a lack of connection with him. One that you craved deeply.

“I want you–,” you gasped when his lips reached your collarbone, as he pushed back his body, his hands retreated from your sides, finding the hem of your oversized t-shirt. His hands were cold upon sliding on your tummy. “I don’t care how, just do anything you like.”

A flash of déjà vu hit you hard. Jeonghan lifted his head from the curve of your neck, his long dark hair obscuring his eyes. “Anything?” he asked, tilting his head to one side slowly. “There must be something you need, princess.”

“I don’t know,” you smiled at him sheepishly.

Jeonghan leaned forward, his fingers trapping your chin. “I’ll do anything you tell me to,” he purred right before capturing your lips with his for a shallow kiss. “You call the shots, baby.”

Your breath hitched; his hand came to cup your cheek. “Keep going, please,” you muttered, though it was not necessary, his lips were still on yours, giving you soft pecks.

Jeonghan gave you no verbal reply, but he kept kissing you anyway, each kiss tenderer than the one before. It made you dizzy, the softness that he put with every touch.

“Jeonghan,” you put a hand on the center of his chest, bringing a stop to his sweet kisses at once. His dark eyes locked with yours, giving you the confidence you needed. “Can you be rough with me?”

Upon hearing your request, he stilled completely. “How rough?” he asked, much as if he did not give a second thought to your words, nor pause to ask why. He knew this was what you needed.  

“Just do it,” you asked, your tone waning over the nervousness that kicked right in. “I promise I won’t break.”

“I know you won’t,” he smirked, diving for another shallow kiss, laughing softly at the low grunt you gave him in protest.

Then he kissed you again. Harder this time, showing you how much he had been holding back. Before his touch had been delicate and tender. But now, his kiss was forceful, passionate. He crushed your lips, making you muffle out a moan in his hot mouth. 

“Want me to fuck your brains out, baby?” he rasped, backing away to take a look at your face. The lascivious glint in his eyes was unmistakable, and so eerily familiar.

“Yes, please,” you mewled, your hands snaked from his chest to clutch at his neck.

Jeonghan sighed in your mouth. “You needy little thing. You really are made for us.”

“I am,” you replied in a frenzy, returning each needy kiss he planted in your mouth.

A hand pushed your t-shirt up to your chest, uncovering your tits to him. “Do you know how fucking much I love these?” he rasped, sending you a look before dipping his head to litter your skin with kisses.

His lips attached to one of your nipples, his tongue toying with your pebbled bud, to then suckle at it with a smacking noise. “Fuck-k, baby,” you mewled, your fingers tangling with his long dark hair, giving it a soft tug.

“Mmn,” he searched for one of your hands on his head, grabbing it and driving it to the mattress. No touching, he wordlessly commanded, locking his fingers with yours.

“Sorry,” you whispered. “God, fuck,” you squirmed helplessly, the back of his tongue teased your nipple, swirling around it and suckling at it hungrily.

His free hand fumbled your other breast, his fingers pinching and tugging your hardened nipple as his mouth continued to work on the other, making it sensitive. He detached his mouth with a wet sound, his eyes marvelled at your body for a second as he released your hand.

“Behave,” he conditioned before leaning down again to tease your other nipple with his mouth.

First his lips tugged at it, to then graze at it with his teeth, making a sharp hiss come out from you. You lowered your gaze, finding his. Jeonghan smiled at you, pulling his tongue out to tease your nipple, swirling around it.

You sighed out the pleasure burning within you, sinking in the pillows as your skin prickled. “Please… more,” you mewled, your hands clawing on the bedsheets. “Keep going, Hannie, please.”

The corners of his mouth lifted slightly, but the motion of his tipped tongue did not stop. His hands cupped your tits, making them bulge, and he lowered his face onto your chest. The low grunt that he muffled in your tits told you that he was enjoying sucking at your nipples just as much as you.

You closed your eyes, focusing on the pleasure building in the pit of your tummy, your muscles clenched in response when he sucked harsher, then changed to toy with your nipple with swift motions.

“Ha-hannie,” you called shakily. “I think I’m gonna come.”

For a moment, you thought Jeonghan had not heard you. He made no move, no sound to acknowledge your words. He just kept going: sucking, licking, pinching your sensitive nipples. Drool dripped down on your bumpy skin, the wet sounds Jeonghan made, paired with the low groans he gave you whenever you moaned. 

“Oh god… I’m coming,” you choked out, hands clenching around the bedsheets. Your orgasm flooded within you, it was quick and sweet, and even though the feeling was short, it had you panting. And wanting more.

Jeonghan hummed with satisfaction, leaving a kiss on each of your nipples before meeting your eyes. “Was that a first?”

You recognized where his game was going at once. “Yeah,” you sighed with a meek smile. “It felt good. I needed that.”

“Mn, princess, you’re such a needy mess,” he said gruffly, his hand caressing your bumpy skin over your tummy. “Is that why you can’t write, baby? Too much in your head?”

“Think so,” you replied coyly.

Jeonghan sat back on his heels, contemplating you for a second under the pale light coming from the window. “These need to come off,” he toyed with the band of your wet panties with his lithe fingers.

He hooked his fingers around the hem of your panties, pulling them down your legs with your help, lifting your hips for him.

“No, not that. Keep that on,” he instructed when he caught sight of your hands trying to get rid of your t-shirt.

Then he stretched one arm, reaching for something on the nightstand. Your heart stammered when he grabbed his phone. “Are you ready for this?” he asked, sending you a glance.

“Yeah,” you replied.

The flash of the camera hit your eyes, making you squint at it. But you quickly adapted, seeing Jeonghan’s fascinated face behind his phone as he directed it to your naked body. He caught on video everything he liked to see: your face, your tits smeared in his spit, and your pussy.

“You got so wet, baby,” he mumbled, making a trail with the tips of his fingers from your bellybutton to your mound, caressing it. “Baby needs to be fucked everyday, or she can’t function properly. Right, princess?”

The white light returned to your face, you nodded. “J-jeonghan!”

His fingers continued trailing down, finding your pussy lips spread open. “So fucking wet,” he sighed in awe, dipping one finger in your pooling entrance. “You got like this just by playing with your tits a little…”

Another finger joined in, pushing inside your throbbing walls as the phone captured it in video.

“Jeonghan,” you protested. “Please, just fuck me.”

“Stay still, baby,” his voice was low whenever he gave you a command, and that way you knew not to challenge him again. “I’ll give you what you want if you promise to be good.”

You sighed in frustration. “I promise,” you hated the way your voice sounded.

That seemed to please him. The flash of the camera went off, Jeonghan tossed his phone on the bed near your body, pulling his fingers out of your pussy.

The loss of stimulation had you protesting with a lewd whine. “So impatient,” he tutted. Then he nodded his head at you. “Knees up.”  

His hand pushed on the back of your leg, making your chest compress a little right before he dipped his head to your needy pussy, his tongue swiping a line between your folds. Your muscles tightened under the overwhelming sensation of his tongue licking your arousal, drinking you in.

“Fuck,” you gritted, your hands flew to grab your own legs to keep yourself in place for him.

You heard a muffled laugh, his breath fanning your wet pussy causing you to shiver. The tip of his nose bumped against your clit as his tongue sank inside you, then retreated, only to dive in again, his face pressed flush against you, fucking you with his tongue.

A strangled gasp escaped you, his tongue left your pussy and was quickly replaced by his fingers, slipping them in until he was knuckle deep inside you. But his tongue slid to your clit, teasing it with swift jabs, getting it to swell by teasing it with his lips, tugging and suckling at it.

“Oh, g-god,” your body shook on the bed sheets, your eyes squeezed shut so tight you started to see colors.

The low hum he gave you was paired with one deep intake of breath on his part, breathing you in practically, his mouth unrelenting on your pussy. His fingers kept dragging inside and out of your throbbing walls, delighting himself with moans each time you clenched around him.

“Fuck, Hannie,” you mewled, pushing your head back onto your pillow. “Don’t stop, baby, please…”

Jeonghan pushed his face onto your cunt harder, groaning against you as his fingers thrusted inside you harshly, curving inside your walls and finding that spot effortlessly. Your mouth fell open, pelvis tilting towards his face. All focus, was narrowed to his mouth making out with your pussy, his fingers teasing that spot inside your walls.

“I’m there,” you sighed out. “Jeonghan, I’m coming,” you let out a long cry of pleasure, body shaking on your bed.

Your orgasm washed down your spine, burning inside you. His fingers kept thrusting inside you, his mouth helping you ride your high without stopping for a second to breathe. Just as you were coming down, he detached his mouth from your throbbing pussy, but his fingers did not.

“Jeonghan?” you panted.

His fingers kept teasing that spot inside you, the force from his hand on your cunt had started to make a single vein pop out along his forearm. “Can you give me one more, baby?” he asked, his free hand reaching for the phone he had discarded earlier.

“I… yeah,” you decided, holding your legs to your chest with your hands.

The camera flashed your eyes again. “Good girl,” he whispered, capturing the mess that you were in. It occurred to you that Jeonghan did not want you to remove the t-shirt you were wearing… he wanted to fuck you in it for Joshua to see.

He pointed the camera at his hand pumping in and out of your puffy cunt, the wet sounds coming from it sounded loud and almost dirty. His fingers picked up the pace, now teasing relentlessly inside you, making you gasp and jolt at each harsh jab.

“J-jeonghan!” you cried out.

“Careful, we can’t make too much noise, remember?” he smirked at you.

“I-if you keep going, I’m gonna… I’m gonna–,” you choked out, arching your back on the mattress as the hot liquid spurting from you landed onto his hand and the bed.

Jeonghan smiled, his fascinated eyes flitting from the screen of the phone capturing the mess you were making, to your body writhing on the wet sheets. “Tsk, messy girl,” you heard him say between the loud wet noises and your own breathless moans.

To see him smile sent you onto another wild frenzy. You moaned as his fingers left your throbbing pussy, his other hand tossing his phone heedlessly. Then, Jeonghan grabbed his t-shirt, peeling it off his torso with one swift motion.

“Remind me to put a towel under you next time,” he smirked, using his own t-shirt to wipe your arousal and his own spit from his chin, then his hands.

You sighed, embarrassment heating your face, but you could not deny that you liked this. And Jeonghan saw right through you. He leaned over to you, capturing your lips in a kiss, he smelled of you, and you could taste yourself in his mouth. The act was so dirty it had him swallowing your moans, your pussy clenching around nothing.

“Jeonghan… I want you to fuck me, please,” you whined when he pulled his head back.

“Do you think you deserve it?” he asked, his voice was low and slightly raspy.

“Yeah?” you smiled coyly.

“Why shouldn’t I edge you a little bit more?” he grabbed your legs, wrapping them around his waist, as he pressed his chest against yours, grinding his hips against yours.

The bulge of his hard cock pressed against your cunt. “Jeonghan,” you gasped when he ground against you harder, teasing you. “You’ve been edging me for days now.”

“You said I could do anything I wanted to you,” he smirked, his hand grabbing your jaw before pressing a chaste kiss on your lips. “

“But I want you now,” you mumbled wantonly.

“Don’t argue with me,” he retorted, the glint in his eyes giving away the playfulness behind his actions.

“Stop teasing me, Jeonghan,” you whispered, your hands holding onto his back as he kept rubbing his hard dick against you, smearing your wetness all over his boxers. “Please, I need you, baby,” you whined pathetically.

He dived for another hungry kiss. “God, you’re so fucking needy,” he protested, but his tone made him sound just as pathetic.

“Don’t mock me, Jeonghan,” you bit back. You should not have done that.

The slap came to your face in the blink of an eye, it was swift and painful, but the wave of both excitement and arousal barreled down your spine, making you gasp. Your widened eyes found his face, gaping at him as your cheek tingled.

“I told you not to argue with me,” Jeonghan laughed, and the sound of his laughter sent a wave of shame that burned in your face.  

A low moan escaped you when his hard cock rubbed against your swollen clit. “Jeonghan, please fuck me. Fuck me now,” you pleaded with a whiny tone, ignoring how pathetic you sounded, or felt.  

“That’s it, baby. Beg for me,” he purred, nibbling at your lower lip right before kissing you. His tongue caressed the roof of your mouth, making you whimper at the sensation.

Then you understood what he was doing, he pushed his boxers down, freeing his pretty cock. He grabbed it with one hand, one thumb pressing down his tip, directing it to your pussy. And just when you thought he was finally going to fuck you, he decided to do something else.

“I don’t hear you begging,” he said, fucking his cock between your pussy lips, making his tone waver. A low grunt escaped his lips, and you responded with your own.

“Please,” you breathed.

“Please, what.”

“Fuck me,” you mumbled, regretting the minute you asked him to be mean with you. But you could not lie to yourself, you liked this. You liked seeing his cock glistening wet with your arousal.

“I am fucking you,” he chuckled airily, pushing his hips against you so his tip nudged your entrance, but slipped between your folds.

“I need you inside me, Jeonghan,” you whimpered as his shaft rubbed against your clit. “N-need your cock inside me, please.”

“That’s better,” he sighed, retracting his hips to then sheathe himself inside you with one full thrust. He lowered the upper half of his body to yours, repositioning his arms above your head.

“F-fuck, Jeonghan…” you gritted as his cock filled your walls. You sighed in pleasure, finding his face with your hands to pull him in a kiss.

You saw something flash across the features of his face, making him groan as his lips met yours. “God,” he gasped. “I love how you squeeze around me, baby.”

“Y-yeah?” you breathed pathetically.

“Mmn, yeah. Your pretty little c-cunt feels like magic,” he shuddered in pleasure, grunting in your mouth before kissing you again.

“It’s yours, Hannie,” you replied dazedly.

“I know,” he grinned, his hand finding the back of your knee, pushing it to your side to hold you open for him. “You’re such a needy slut for us, right?”

A wave of arousal tore through you. “Yes,” you breathed. “I am.”

Jeonghan noticed your demeanor, your eyes glazing and mouth parting in utter pleasure. “Wait,” he stilled. “Turn over for me, baby,” Jeonghan pulled his body, sitting back on his heels as you reluctantly turned facedown on the bed. “Ass up.”

Then on your side, Jeonghan handed you his phone, the front camera was already recording. You grabbed it and searched for somewhere to place it, deciding for to put it against the lamp on your bedside table. You saw yourself on the screen and Jeonghan on his knees behind you.

Through the screen you saw Jeonghan sneaking a hand between your body and his, then felt the tip of his cock searching for your entrance. A strangled moan came out of you as he sheathed himself in, a hand pushing your lower back down for you to tilt your pelvis for him.

“God,” he groaned, his head lolling back, grabbing your hips with his hands as he fucked you slowly.

You were too entranced by watching his face through the recording to focus on his cock massaging your walls.

“You feel so fucking good, princess,” he swallowed a moan, making his throat bob. 

“Y-you too, Hannie,” you responded faintly, lowering your face back onto the bed covers to see him through the screen of his phone.

“No, no. I want Joshua to see your face,” Jeonghan rasped, grabbing you by the hair, pulling your head upward with little to no heed for you.

The sheer thought of Joshua seeing this made you clench around Jeonghan’s cock. He moaned in response too, his fingers digging into your skin, squeezing your ass firmly as his other hand kept pulling your hair.

“Jeonghan,” you called breathily, the hard thrusting had you panting already. The rails of your bed banged against the wall with the pacing of his thrusts. “Harder. Fuck me harder.”

Jeonghan laughed, ignoring you completely. He pulled your hair firmly, making sure the camera captured your teary eyes. “Jeonghan, please.”

“Alright, alright,” he conceded, placing his hands on the middle of your spine, pushing your chest onto the mattress. “You asked for it.”

You could no longer see yourself on the video, your face was mushed against the covers, giving you space to cry out as Jeonghan started pounding on you. The brutal pace of his thrusts knocked the air out of you, the sound of skin slapping against each other was the only thing you could hear above your muffled cries.

“Jeonghan!” you forced out, your sweet release flooding inside your body. “Oh, god, Hannie…”

“That’s it, baby,” he rasped. “God. Keep squeezing me like that,” his hands clenched on your ass, switching the motion to his hands, fucking you on his cock instead of moving his hips. “Fuck,” he gritted with a sigh. “Yeah, just like that…”

You gathered yourself, breathing in slowly as you lifted your head. In the screen of his phone, you saw him looking at your body, moving your hips to meet with his languidly.

“Hand me the phone, baby,” he made a motion with his head.

You reached for his phone in your nightstand and passed it to him, turning your head to see what he was doing. He was now pointing the camera lens to your ass, and you knew that he was capturing your messy cunt, filled with his cum as he kept pushing his cock inside you.

He was panting when he tossed the phone one final time. “Are you okay?” he asked breathlessly. “Want more?”

You shook your head. “I’m sensitive,” you admitted. And you were so tired that all you wanted now was to rest in the pleasure he had given you.

Jeonghan nodded, caressing your ass gently before pulling out of you. “Lie down, baby,” he muttered as you just eased onto the bed with a tired sigh. “I’ll bring you something to clean up, hold on.”

The bed shifted around you when he climbed off the bed and exited the bedroom. You closed your eyes, breathing out in pure bliss, enjoying how languid your body was after being pleasured over and over.

You heard him come in. “Turn over for me, princess,” he mumbled with a sweet voice. He had a towel in his hand, soaked in warm water. “What do you need?”

“Sleep,” you slurred out. 

Jeonghan nodded. “Do you have clean blankets?”

“In the closet,” you said, pointing to the double doors in the bedroom.

Jeonghan got a bundle of blankets, spreading them over your naked body to then slip beneath them and next to you. As you searched for his body to hold him, you realized that he had not slept naked with you before.

“Thank you, Jeonghan,” you hummed happily, wrapping your arms around his torso.

“For what, baby?”

“For taking care of me,” you mumbled, your heart swelling with warmth and love. “And for fucking my brains out.”

Jeonghan chuckled, his hand brushing your hair slowly. “Anything for you.” 

“Do you think we’ll get another noise complaint after this?” you asked sluggishly.

“If they come to the door, I’ll deal with it,” he said decidedly. “Sleep for now.”

You lifted your head to give him a kiss. “Goodnight, baby.”

Jeonghan gave you a sweet smile. “Goodnight, princess.”

“We have a date tonight,” Jeonghan announced the morning after.

“We do?” you asked. “You know, I’d appreciate it if you invite me out with more time in advance.”

“I forgot to tell you last night… you kept me busy,” Jeonghan rasped sleepily, his arm wrapped your back, his fingers trailing gently down your spine.

“So it’s my fault,” you laughed.

“We’ve talked about this,” he slurred out, but a lazy smile spread on his lips. “Everything is your fault.”

“Maybe last night was my fault,” you conceded playfully, lifting your head from his chest. “Where is the date?”

“Mmn, I don’t know, I have to ask,” he mumbled, his eyes were closed but you noticed his heavy lashes shaking slightly.

“Ask?” you inquired.

“It’s a double date,” he explained, peeling one eye open.

“Oh,” you gasped. “With whom?”

“My best friends,” he said with ease, but you knew how this important was to him.

“You have a lot of best friends, baby,” you chuckled.

“Mmn, yeah, you’re right,” he said, his voice was still lazy, but he had gained more lucidity. “These are friends I met in school, while I was getting my degree.”

“Exciting,” you smiled at the way the features of his face were lax in the serenity of his sleep.

“What?” he noticed, his lips pouting slightly as he asked: “What, why are you looking at me like that?”

“I like your face, handsome,” you mumbled sweetly, running the tip of your finger down the bridge of his nose.

Jeonghan looked confused for a second. “I like your face too, beautiful,” he whispered.

The effect his words had on you made you freeze in place. You leaned to plant a small kiss on his lips, which he reciprocated with a low hum.

But then you were turning around, reaching for your phone on your bedside table to check if you had any updates from Joshua. He had replied to your last few texts, telling you excitingly that he had a date for you to visit him soon. And that he could not wait to see you again.

“That reminds me,” Jeonghan sighed, reaching for his own phone on the bedside of your side of the bed.

The videos. As soon as he unlocked his phone, the sounds from the night before flooded your ears: your whiny moans, the sounds of skin slapping together. Jeonghan wrapped one arm around your waist as you leaned your head on his shoulder and watched the videos you recorded together.

You hid your face flush on his shoulder when you saw a few seconds of one of the videos, making your insides twist in utter shame. “Oh god,” you groaned.

Jeonghan rested his hand on the back of your head. “What?” he asked, shifting his face to take a look at yours.

“It’s so…” you made a motion to the video playing on the screen, grimacing at the lewd sound of your moans.

“Hot?” Jeonghan lowered the phone after hitting Send with his thumb, sharing the videos to your boyfriend with nothing else to say in the message, no preamble whatsoever.

“Can I see?” you mumbled, extending your palm.

“Sure,” he deposited his phone in your hand without hesitation.

The videos were saved in a secret folder that he shared only with Joshua, you realized. “You were quick,” you said. He must have created the folder after recording he fucked you in a changing room.

“I don’t want them to fall on the wrong hands, princess,” he muttered, lazily drawing in a breath before yawning.

“Mmn,” you swiped your finger through the set of videos. You saw your face in so many of the frames captured. “Can I have access to this too?”

“Of course, baby,” he giggled sweetly. “I should’ve asked, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” you mumbled, aimlessly fidgeting with Jeonghan’s phone. You went back to the main folder where he kept all of the photos he took.

Jeonghan did not stop you, so you dived in the rows of snapped memories. Most of the photos were of himself with his friends, photos you helped him take, photos with you… Joshua.

The tip of your finger chose a photo, almost as if it had a mind of its own. “Where is this from?” you asked.

Jeonghan had chocolate brown hair in the photo, his head leaned on Joshua’s shoulder. The smile plastered on his face was sweet, two fingers in a peace sign held to the camera. Whereas Joshua had a pale bond hair, also smiling and holding a peace sign.

“That was… I think it was one of the first times I saw one of his shows,” he said, coughing a laugh. “He was a complete mess. He wasn’t the confident sexy rockstar you know now.”

“Mmph,” you smirked. “So you think he’s sexy?”

The restaurant was located on top of a hotel building. The tables were beautifully flanked by water gardens, lamps hanging from the open ceiling, illuminating everything with a warm orange glow.

“They’re usually late,” Jeonghan explained. But this was not said with his nonchalant and characteristic way. He anxiously looked around the tables with a pout on his face.

The air was damp, urging you to fan yourself with your hand in slow, lazy motions. Jeonghan wore a white shirt, unbuttoned all the way through, a white tank top underneath it. His long dark hair tucked behind his cute ears, he chewed on his lip.

“Are you nervous?”

His fleeting gaze fixed on your face. “A little,” he admitted, giving you a meek smile.

“Should I worry?” you raised your eyebrows.

“No, baby, not at all,” he slipped a hand under the table, finding your thigh to five it a squeeze.

“Okay,” you sighed, returning the smile he had given you.

Then you saw a familiar face, something helped by the fact that you had scrolled through Jeonghan’s photos on his phone. It was a friend of both Joshua and Jeonghan’s, but apparently so, Jeonghan had met this person long before Joshua did.

“They’re here,” he announced with a shaky mutter, standing up as the couple approached the table.

Then, with the nervousness that you had never seen in him before, he introduced you to his friends by name, sending you a glance. He probably saw the nervousness mirrored in your eyes, but somehow his confidence was restored upon mentioning that you are his girlfriend.

The man that was introduced to you as Choi Seungcheol blinked from your face to Jeonghan’s one time only. There was something exchanged there, but it was quite obvious that the man was not understanding this. The thought of this going badly set your nerves on fire.

“It’s so nice to finally meet you,” his girlfriend stepped in quickly, reading the situation too. 

“Baby, why don’t you go with Cheol’s girl to see the water gardens?” Jeonghan cut in, giving you a knowing look.

You paused before nodding with evident reluctance, stepping away from the table, leaving both men to have a moment alone.

“What the fuck?” Seungcheol whispered, looking around the tables to avoid dragging attention in. So he sat down.

Jeonghan returned to his seat too. “What?” he shrugged, pulling out his vape pen from his pocket.

“Why do you have the same girlfriend as Joshua?” as soon as the words left his mouth, Seungcheol grimaced.

“Because she is Joshua’s girlfriend,” Jeonghan replied with faux nonchalance, drawing a long stroke from his vape pen.

“Gimme that,” his friend gritted, yanking the vape pen from Jeonghan’s grip. “Jeonghan, I’m being serious,” he regained some control before asking: “Is she your girlfriend?”

Jeonghan exhaled slowly, trying to keep his heartbeat steady. “Yes, she really is my girlfriend,” he replied. “We’re both dating her.”

Seungcheol blinked, looking at his girlfriend in the distance walking alongside you. You both are looking quite friendly with each other, laughing, and chatting. “So, when you told me that you found someone, you meant…”

Jeonghan hated this, he hated to be open and vulnerable about his feelings. But this was Seungcheol. Jeonghan could not hide from him, and he did not want to.  “We’re all in a relationship, us three… It’s complicated,” he choked up a little, rolling his eyes to the sky. “I love her.”

For a moment, both men were lost in thought.

“Are you happy?” Seungcheol asked.

“I am,” he forced out. That was a lie; Jeonghan was not fully happy. There were somethings he still needed to figure out with you, with Joshua. But in that evening, he felt happy.

“That’s all I need to know,” Seungcheol sighed, pushing his hair back with one hand.

“Good,” Jeonghan agreed. “Can I have that back?”

Seungcheol rolled his eyes, giving the vape pen back. “You know, you’ve always been really weird, you and Joshua.”

This made Jeonghan tilt his head to one side “Weird how?”

Seungcheol shrugged. “I noticed it before but never said anything. When we get together, talking, or playing a game… something always made me think about it. It’s like you two share one mind. It’s creepy.”

“Pffft,” Jeonghan broke into a chuckle. “Alright.”

“What? You move at the same time, you finish each other’s sentences! It’s weird!” Seungcheol protested with a pout.

“Let’s order something to drink,” Jeonghan dismissed, raising one hand to motion for you to return to the table.

As soon as you sat down, you searched his face as he grabbed your hand again. You sent him a questioning look, subtly asking if everything was okay. Jeonghan laced his fingers with yours, giving you a reassuring squeeze with his hand.

And at that, the evening went on. Meeting his friends gave you another insight into his personality, and you were glad to find out that his friends were accepting of you. Soon, you felt a bit embarrassed for being so nervous before, as you realized that Seungcheol and his girlfriend were really understanding.

“Would you share a bottle of red wine with me?” you asked, reading the menu.

“I don’t know a thing about wines. But I trust you,” Jeonghan mumbled beside you. He chewed on his lip, absentmindedly mouthing the words his eyes were going over on the menu.

“You’re okay?” you asked discreetly beside him, darting a glance to the couple sitting across the table.

“Why do you ask?” he replied as quietly, shifting his gaze from the menu.

“You look worried,” you pointed, sending another swift glance. “Something happened?”

“Nah,” he discarded the idea at once. “I’m just thinking what to order, baby,” he said reassuringly, grabbing your hand to nibble at your knuckles with his lips.

“Let me order for you,” you offered, sweetening your voice involuntarily. “Something that goes with wine.”

His eyes triangulated to your own and your lips. “Alright, beautiful,” he smirked. “Impress me.”  

You gave him a badly coordinated wink. “I got you, handsome,” you said, laughing at yourself.

He shouldn’t lie to you, he reprimanded himself with a stab to his heart.

“Oh, shoot,” you muttered under your breath, getting your phone from your handbag. Jeonghan knew who it was before he even thought to glance at the screen. “I’ll be right back. Order, these,” you pointed with your finger at the menu, pressing the phone to your ear.

“O-okay,” he stuttered, watching you leave the table to take Joshua’s call.

Jeonghan hid his reaction behind the menu, but he knew Seungcheol was looking. The man was resting his chin on his hand, and Jeonghan wished that he just spoke what his eyes were trying to say. It would have been better that way, instead of suffering the weight of his dark gaze. 

But he ordered the bottle of wine and pasta that you pointed to before leaving.

The order arrived just as you were returning to your seat. Jeonghan made no question, no comment about Joshua’s call, like he usually did. But instead, he just grabbed your hand, giving it a comfortable squeeze before raising his wine glass and giving it a generous gulp.

Jeonghan made a face.

“What, you didn’t like it?” you asked, taking the glass of wine to your lips.

“It was just a big gulp,” he said with shame in his eyes.

“Small sippy sips,” you indicated, lifting a finger in a knowing expression.

Jeonghan laughed. “Sippy sips,” he repeated, giving you a nod before raising his glass at you. “You’re cute.”

You touched his glass with your own. “Try it again.”

Jeonghan took another sip cautiously, letting the rich taste of wine linger on his tongue as he savoured it. “It’s fine,” he decided, nodding approvingly.

“It’ll taste better with the food,” you pointed at his plate with your fork.

You ignored the two pairs of eyes watching your interaction with Jeonghan, smiling at him as he experimentally took a bite from his plate of pasta, chewing graciously and washing the flavours with the red wine.

“I like this,” he said contently, giving you a loving smile.

“See, I told you,” you replied in kind.

As the minutes passed, Jeonghan began to loosen up. His shoulders slacked, leaning back in his chair as he downed the first glass of wine and pouring himself another without you noticing. The warm glow of the lights above showed the light dewy layer of sweat on his forehead.

“Are you hot?” you asked innocently, setting your empty glass on the table, leaning towards him.

“You are hot,” he replied, breaking into a hearty chuckle.

“Shut up,” you rolled your eyes. “Not here.”

Choi Seungcheol lifted his head, frowning lightly at the pronounced sound of Jeonghan’s laughter, but made no comment. Jeonghan’s lucidity had started to wane, and only a keen eye like Seungcheol’s would notice.

“Let him have fun,” his girlfriend advised him, giving him a gentle nudge with her elbow.

Seungcheol nodded, visibly discarding his worry away with a light shaking of his head. “So… how did you two meet?”

Everyone on the table noticed that the question was good in nature, harmless, but indirectly putting you in a tight spot.

“Joshua introduced us,” you explained, ignoring the groan from the other two displeased parties. “He wanted me to meet his best friend.”

“How does it work?” Seungcheol asked, ignoring the more aggressive jab of his girlfriend’s elbow. “Sorry, I have to ask. I need to know.”

“It’s okay,” you assured. “I realize how this is confusing; it was for me too. But we just work it out. Make sure that it’s all fair for everyone in the relationship. It’s still all new but I’m glad we made this choice.”

Jeonghan placed a hand on your thigh in a subtle gesture of thanks. You eyed him, noticing the light glow in his face, the rosy cheeks, and lips.

“It seems like a difficult choice to make. How did you arrive at it?” now Seungcheol’s girlfriend asked, equally as curious. And you only understood it as them caring out for their friend.

“We had a threesome,” Jeonghan blurted, a bemused smile plastered on his face.

You realized too late, that as the night had worn on, Jeonghan’s demeanor had changed, from being rigid and nervous to being less coherent, and more reckless.

“You’re drunk,” Seungcheol sighed, dropping his forehead onto his palm at Jeonghan’s chuckles. He had been blunt in order to stop them from asking more questions.

“How much did you drink?” you asked him, taking in his flushed face, his glazy and unfocused eyes.

“I don’t know. A whole bottle, maybe,” he admitted with a slurry speech, a light frown on his sweaty face. “I’ll be right back.”

He grinned sheepishly as he excused himself from the table, walking disjointedly to the bathroom.

“I’ll take you home,” Seungcheol told you, motioning to a waiter to bring the bill.

“No, it’s okay,” you shook your head. “I’m okay, I can take his car.”

Seungcheol stilled, cocking one eyebrow at you. “He lets you drive his car,” he pouted sulkily, looking at his girlfriend. “He doesn’t even let me go near the wheel.”

“Come on,” you struggled to get the tall man through the hallway of his apartment, nearly dragging him into the marbled floors until you reached the master bathroom. You giggled nervously when his shoulder bumped against the doorframe, making him groan in pain.

“Fuck, I’m sorry,” he mumbled some seconds after, making you think that the alcohol had set deeper in him during the ride to his home.  

“Help me, Hannie,” you giggled at his clumsiness.

“Don’t you laugh, I’m drunk!” he pouted, his eyebrows pushed inwards in a cute frown.

“Sorry,” you sighed with a smile. “You’re a big baby,” you explained, groaning as you helped him sit down on the rim of the bathtub, you swiftly turned the shower on and kicked your heels to one corner of the big bathroom. Jeonghan languidly raised his head to follow your movements, tilting his head back to look up to see your face. “Let me take these off, okay?”

He blinked slowly, taking some seconds in to process your words, biting his lower lip, he nodded.

“Don’t get any ideas,” you whispered, but could not help to also mask your smirk as you worked to get his white shirt off.

Jeonghan smiled, giggling goofily. “Caught me,” he muttered, raising one hand to clutch your wrist, looking now at your arms working to get his clothes off. “You’re very beautiful.”

“Tha-thank you Jeonghan,” you awkwardly replied. “You're beautiful, too.”

That made him chuckle again, slowly, but it was a joyless laugh. “That’s not what you said earlier,” he muttered, raising his arms as you peeled the white tank top off his torso.

“Did I said something earlier?” you asked with genuine curiosity, making a gesture with your hands, motioning him to get to his feet, which he obediently did, but with paused movements.

“Don’t play coy with me,” he tilted his head to one side, his half-lidded eyes now lowered to find your face.

“I’m not,” you blinked, but noticing it was just playful and drunken banter, you continued to undress him. “I–I’m taking your pants off, yeah?”

“Yeah,” he nodded, his head bouncing and then he smiled shyly, bristling when your cold fingers slid on his belly, unhooking the waistband of his pants to push them down. “God, I’m so drunk. This is not how I pictured this night going. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it,” you shook your head dismissively. “Are you okay though? Can you step in the shower?”

Jeonghan nodded, wordlessly moving to stand under the shower stream. He let his head hang forward lazily as he seemed to come back to life under the lukewarm water.

“Is the temperature right?” you asked, leaning against the wall, enjoying the sight of him standing upright, and tilt his head back, letting the water shower on his face fully.

His hands pushed his damp hair back, feet stumbling clumsily as he seemed to lose his balance for a second.

“Be careful,” you mumbled, quickly shuffling on your feet to ready yourself to lend him a hand if needed.

���I'm okay, I'm okay,” he tried to reassure you, but your brow did not relax. “I’d be better if you hop in here with me.”

“Jeonghan,” you said chastising.

“Alright, alright,” he chuckled, nodding his head as he washed his face nearly methodically. When he was done, he looked around and said: “Can you pass me that towel?”

You should have known better, from the moment he did not seem to be shutting the tap off, you should have just waited but you dumbly grabbed the folded towel and handed it out to him.

Jeonghan was swift, grabbing you by your arm and pulling you in with such a strength that you nearly stumbled over his body.

“Jeonghan!” you squealed, awkwardly steading yourself before you made him stumble too.

But he seemed to be fine, laughing like a kid playing in the rain, his hands grabbed you firmly by your waist, pulling you to him so you were now pressed to his body.

“That’s better,” he whispered, making you stop in your attempt to step out of the shower and raised your eyes to him.

“You’re crazy,” you half scolded but could not continue suppressing your smile. “I don’t have a change of clothes,” you mumbled, being swiftly swept away by the beauty of the man in front of you.

Now you remembered. You had called him handsome. You called him in the same way you did to Joshua routinely and although he noticed your clear mishap, he liked it.  

“I can lend you something,” he replied, his voice was barely a mumble. “Will you stay here? With me? Please.”

You quickly understood what he was doing, playing the same cards you did on him when you wanted him to stay the night at yours. You smiled at him knowingly and he quickly returned your smile, although his was relaxed.

“Of course,” you whispered, eyelids fluttering repeatedly when Jeonghan swayed your body in a drunken motion, the shower stream washing over you, dampening your hair and dress.

“Good,” he mouthed, pressing a lazy kiss on your mouth. Then his hands moved from your waist to remove the pin from your head, releasing your hair.

“Jeonghan,” you called when he pressed desperate kisses on your lips, trailing down to your chin and then your neck, breathing heavily as if tired. “Hannie, let’s get you to bed.”

“Mmn, yeah, okay,” he sighed, but he did not stop kissing your neck, lips pressing quick kisses. But then in a movement, he lost his balance once again, his body stumbling over, pushing your back against the wall. “Oh, shit, shit. I’m sorry,” his hands held onto the wall to regain some balance.

“Let’s go,” you insisted, blindly finding the tap with one hand to shut it off.

You managed to slip the straps of your dress off, removing the soaked material from your body and stepped off the shower, grabbing the nearest towel from the hanger and wrapped your body, handing the bathrobe to the very drunk Jeonghan who just followed you with his gaze.

“You look troubled,” he mentioned, much as if he could not stop his mouth. “Am I overstepping?”

“No,” you immediately blurted. “No, Hannie, I’m just worried about you.”

“Don’t be,” he muttered, squaring his shoulders as he adjusted the knot of his bathrobe. “I can do this, I’m fine.”

Then he turned to leave the bathroom with a slow pace in his footsteps. “Jeonghan, wait,” you chuckled at his determination.

You followed him out of the bathroom, across his walk-in closet and to his bedroom. Where you were mildly surprised by the minimalism of the space occupied by a lonely king size bed. It was neatly made, the white covers folded by the hem, pillows fluffed.

Then you realized, Jeonghan had not spent a night at his place in a while. He had been spending night after night at yours, just sleeping and leaving the next day for work.

Jeonghan stood by one of the sides of the bed, clumsily getting on it with his hands and knees crawling to slump down on the pillows with a pleased groan.

Hesitant, you approached the other side of the bed, sitting beside his body, thinking that he had already fallen asleep. But he lifted one hand, blindly searching for your body. He first found your hand resting on your lap, then he palmed your thigh, right before he moved his head to rest it there.

“I’m sorry, this wasn't in my plans for tonight,” he mumbled, his cheek was tightly pressed against your towel covered lap, making his words partially muffled.

“It’s okay, Hannie,” you sighed, bringing a hand to caress his wet hair. “I’m beginning to think that you like being babied.”

He chuckled, his body vibrating slightly on his bed. “Yeah, maybe I do,” he replied, moving his face against your body to nuzzle you slightly. “But not like this. I wanted you to have a nice dinner.”

“I had fun tonight,” you replied with a sweet tone, feeling crushed when Jeonghan pouted, turning his head to see you face to face. “I thought your friends were nice.”

“Did you really?”

“Yes, of course,” you smiled at him. “Let me take care of you, yeah?” you muttered, his dreamy eyes blinking confusedly at you. “I’ll dry your hair and get you dry clothes, okay?”

Jeonghan took a long second before nodding with his head in a stiff motion. “Okay,” he conceded.

Once you got him to wear some clothes you found in his closet, he slipped underneath the heavy white bed sheets and covers, motioning you over to his side. Jeonghan was quiet, the kind of quietness that no longer felt welcoming, nor comfortable.

You unwrapped the towel before sliding to his side under the covers, thinking that he was about to fall asleep. But he raised his gaze at you, and your stomach twisted violently when you understood that there was a reason why he had been behaving like this.

“I want to be more than your best friend,” he whispered groggily, struggling to stay awake. “I want to matter to you as much as Joshua does.”

“Jeonghan, that's not what I meant,” you breathed, chest deflating painfully upon finding what the root of his erratic mood was. “I trust you.”

Jeonghan decided that it was best to wait to hatch this conversation again once he was sober. You waited for his answer, but instead, he was surrendering himself to the fatigue that was accentuated by the alcohol.

“Hannie,” you called, but he made no motion. “Talk to me, please,” you whispered, shaking under the stress of thinking that you had hurt him with your actions.  

“It’s nothing, baby,” he whispered languidly. He should open up before he gets worse, he told himself. But Jeonghan was not a person who would confess his feelings first. His ability to think coherently was almost completely gone, and he feared to say something he might regret the next day.

“Are you sure?”

“Let’s talk tomorrow. When I’m sober,” his hand came to your cheek, whispering a sorry when you bristled upon his cold contact.

“Yeah, okay,” you mouthed, wriggling closer to him, where he received you with a kiss on the crown of your head.

But you could not fall asleep at the same time he did. You watched him breathing slowly, his heavy eyelashes tremble in deep slumber. You kept your movements at minimum, as quietly as you could, admiring his beauty without him knowing.

When you could finally fall asleep, you adjusted in his welcoming embrace, letting yourself ease into his warmth and leaving your worries for the following morning.

Jeonghan groaned, waking up to a light, but throbbing headache. But you were buried beneath the bundles of white covers with him, peacefully asleep, your cheek squished by the hand you kept under it.

He remembered you tend to have a light-sleep when you wrapped your arms around his torso too. “Good morning, princess,” he whispered, sounding gruff.

Your arms tightened around him slightly before you moved your head back to lock eyes with him. You looked tired, but there was a calmness in your entire demeanor that Jeonghan knew that was not because of your recent sleep. It was something else.

His heart sank once again. Did he say something last night? What happened?

But you just pressed your lips against his, humming in delightfulness when he reciprocated the kiss. “I love you,” you whispered.

Shock, relief, joy. Elation. All coursed through him upon hearing you say those words. He knew just how much you had been overthinking, grappling with questions about fidelity, jealousy, hurt feelings and such. So, to hear you finally say it lifted a stone from his chest.

Jeonghan took one look to your face and smiled. “Well, look at that,” he whispered, teasing you. But he could not deny, he was over the moon pressing his smiling lips to yours repeatedly. “I love you too, princess.”

You smiled on his lips. “I'm in love with you,” you reaffirmed, almost as if it was relieving for you too to say it out loud.

Jeonghan laughed in your lips, shyly lifting a hand to cup your cheek. “I know,” he touched your forehead with his own. “I'm in love with you too. I have been for a while,” he whispered nervously.

“I know,” you giggled too. The truth was, whatever Jeonghan thought he felt, you felt it too.

“Mn, I know you do. You made me suffer a little,” he teased, his voice muffled by the closeness to which he kept his lips on yours, pressing them repeatedly.

“It wasn't on purpose, Jeonghan,” you replied with a remorseful tone, pausing the kisses to send you a saddened look.

“I'm joking, baby,” he cupped your cheek, moving his hand to tuck your hair behind your ear. “I wanted to wait for you to be ready.”

“Thank you,” you whispered shakily, denoting on how much this still affected you on an emotional level. “I'm sorry I kept you waiting.”

“I'd do it all over again,” he assured, his eyes reading your facial features slowly, committing to keep the glint in your eyes in his memory.

“I never wanted you to feel shunned,” you confessed, feeling emboldened by the honesty in his eyes, the softness to which he welcomed you in his arms. “I'm still thinking of how to make this relationship fair for everybody.”

“But this is fair,” his brow furrowed slightly, lips pouting slightly as he spoke. “I just wanted to feel reciprocated.”

“I know,” you nodded slightly, still looking at him in his eyes, which had something in his chest fluttering crazily. “I took my time to realize that.”

“It's okay. And it's all better now,” he whispered, leaning so his forehead touched yours once again. “I know this is hard for you.”

You nodded again, taking a deep breath. “Having two boyfriends is difficult,” you confessed.

“Yeah, I imagine. And it must be doubly difficult if both boyfriends are possessive, clingy, and obsessive, right?” he conceded with the smallest of smiles. “Maybe you should leave the thinking on how to make this fair for you to Joshua and I.”

“Mn, that would be nice,” you muttered, but you were quickly swept away by the softness of his lips, the way he hummed in delight as you kissed him repeatedly.

Jeonghan sighed deeply, nearly shuddering with the ecstatic feeling coursing through his veins. “I love you,” he whispered.

Both of his hands came to cup your face, squeezing your cheeks as he pressed more loving kisses on your lips. It made you smile the way his kisses took on a more hurried speed, as if he were trying to convey all his adoration before combusting.

“I love you, Jeonghan,” you replied when he stopped for air, deciding to keep his forehead resting against yours.

“I needed this,” he mumbled in between kisses. “Needed you.”

“I know, baby,” you admitted. “Me too.” 

Your hands searched for him while keeping your lips latched onto his. You found his torso, sneaking beneath his t-shirt. This time, Jeonghan did not protest against your touch, he let you touch his torso freely, roaming the skin of his back with your fingertips. You swallowed one of his moans, shuddering against you. 

“We never finished watching that show,” you muttered aloofly as you continued giving him open mouthed kisses, almost as if you found it impossible to part from his lips, and he very much welcomed it.

“What show?” he hummed, equally aloof, his hands were already on you. A groan tore his chest when his hands found your bare skin and he remembered that he held your naked body through the night.

“Love Island, I think is,” you giggled nervously when his hands pulled you to him just as he turned on the bed, lying flat on his back, with you on top of him.

“You think?” he asked, but none of you were interested on the topic of conversation, you and Jeonghan were all about to keep touching each other, unable to stop the warm, open kisses. “I thought we did.”

“Mmn,” you breathed out as you placed your knees on each of his sides on the bed. “They released another season,” you said right before diving on his lips for a longer, deeper kiss.

“Mn,” his hand cupped your chin, keeping you close with his pointer and thumb on you. “Wanna watch it, baby?” he asked, but his voice had dropped to a low, raspy murmur.

“Yeah,” you breathed out aloofly, then realizing how your voice sounded, you giggled.

“Right now?” he paused, his sweet brown eyes scanning the features of your face swiftly.

“Sounds like you have a better plan,” you quipped, running the tip of your finger down one of his cheeks, a soft smile spreading on your lips when you realized the lascivious need glinting in his eyes.

“I might have one,” he replied, a shyness in his face revealing itself in a smile and he finally giggle, making you do that too.

“Of course you do,” you quipped.  

“Come here,” he whispered, pulling you with his hand already on your chin for a kiss.

With that, Jeonghan came to his resolve. He was in love with you. And he was determined to make this work with you. No matter what.

✮ author's note: hi hi hi hi there i really have nothing to say. i was thinking of explaining the dynamic between bunny and joshua, and her dynamic with jeonghan but i hope i did a good job of conveying that in this chapter so tell me what you guys think? hehe also, i want to thank you guys for showing me your love for this fic in the last chapter. i was losing purpose in writing and seeing you guys show this fic some love made me so happy. i thank you for staying and for being here on this journey with me. i love you all 🩵😭 anyways, toodles!! ✮ STAY TUNED FOR THE FIFTH CHAPTER!! ✮ JOIN MY TAGLIST | PREVIOUS CHAPTERS | BUY ME A COFFEE? (●'◡'●) © RIGHTS RESERVED TO HANNIEWEEN I DO NOT ALLOW TRANSLATIONS, CONTINUATIONS, REIMAGINATIONS OF MY WORKS OR THEIR REPOSTING ON OTHER WEBSITES.

[no-voy-a-escribir]

El último año de mi vida

No me quiero morir, realmente no me quiero morir, pero este va a ser el último año de mi vida. Hay tanto que quiero hacer, pero siento como se acaba el tiempo minuto a minuto, segundo a segundo. Es desesperante, quiero parar de hacer esto, quiero salir y vivir un poco más.

Se va a hacer su bucket list.

Sus amigos se enteran que renuncio antes y que estuvo en cosas turbias para pagar.

Escena de la renuncia

Escena de webcam, Escena de sexworker.

"Fue difícil, pero también espere lo mejor y dije "de todas formas me voy a morir este año"

- a que te refieres?"

Escena de fiesta de cumpleaños.

Sobredosis. Se muere o no?

Flashbacks diciendo que se iba a morir a los 27.

Quería enamorarme más de la vida, pero siento que el amor mata. Para mi el amor siempre se convierte en ansiedad y mis ansias de vivir más me estaban matando. Sentía que me iba a arrancar las uñas una a una de la ansiedad.

Siempre quise vivir sin arrepentimientos y lo intenté, créeme que casi nada me pes, bueno, en realidad nada de lo que hice me pesa, lo que me pesa es lo que no hice. Estuve esforzándome mucho para ser una versión de mi que nunca va a existir.

- por qué no te quedas para verla, para ver en quien te conviertes y vivir tu futuro.

- me asusta que no haya sido suficiente.

Trío. Orgia.

Gimnasio. Dismorfia.

Ir a buscarlo. Tener un before sunrise. Decirle todo lo que quiere con él (Escena como la despedida de ted y victoria).

Él tiene novia y ella lo pide prestado.

"Hay algo que tienes que saber... Este...

Y puede que esa vez no haya sido tan importante para ti, y no se si eres el amor de mi vida, eso seria divertido si hablamos de la teoría del hilo rojo, pero volviendo al tema, creo que nunca me había enamorado tanto del alguien y puede que no seas el amor de mi vida y tal vez si el de ella, pero quiero pedirle prestado al amor de su vida, quiero tenerte un tiempo conmigo y creo que un corazón roto es lo último que podría aguantar en este momento. Siento que eso suena super manipulador y tampoco quiero que estés conmigo por eso, pero antes de que respondas y antes de que alguno de los dos sepa si lo que voy a decir es verdad o mentira, tengo que decirlo... te amo.

Recuerdas que ese año que estuvimos hablando me dijiste que no querías casarte pero lo considerarias si la otra persona realmente quisiera? Cásate conmigo. Juguemos a casarnos, solo será una fiesta de disfraces.

¿Qué le digo a la gente? ¿Cáncer? ¿SIDA? ¿Qué otra enfermedad terminal conoces?

Amigos depresivos.

"Solo los grandes mueren a los 27"

Exacto.

Yo se que he sido muy afortunada y que mucha gente desearía haber tenido mi vida, mi familia, mis amigos, mis oportunidades y me gustaría explicarlo mejor, poder racionalizarlo, ponerlo en palabras, pero simplemente no puedo, llegue al final. Se acabó.

Borracha tachar la champaña de la lista.

Ver que la han salvado otras veces.

¿Esta vez alguien la va a salvar?

Siempre perder o ganar en yo nunca he.

[gi16-blog]

Cualquier cosa, cualquier lugar, siempre.

Sonaba The Killers cuando tocaste el timbre de este domingo.

Mi cara al verte tiene que haber confirmado tu presagio. Me abrazaste fuerte, los ojos se me pusieron brillosos. Murmuré que nada me hacia tanta falta en este domingo como un abrazo. Me besaste el cuello: Cambiaste el perfume! Hace años ya.

Me hiciste girar, hicimos la escena de Taxi Driver, sonreíste al recordar mi costumbre de estar siempre en ropa interior. Imitando mi voz dijiste: Es que en las piernas siempre tengo calor.

Tu mochila traía lo que solías traer para rescatarme: películas, música y golosinas. Sacaste cada cosa a su tiempo.

"Me levanté pensando en vos y me mandé." Ponés The Cure y sin siquiera mirarme me decís: ¿Qué te preocupa? No volvés los ojos para seguir: ¿Cómo se llama? ¿Y el moretón en la pierna?  No sé. No sé.

Las piernas sujetadas al pecho, mi silencio de siempre; te acerco lo que estoy escribiendo. Mientras leés preparo el mate."Eternamente hermosa, nena". Me robás la primer sonrisa. Los años hicieron que después de leerme buscaras con los ojos lo último que estuve leyendo.

Te cuento, me vas secando las lágrimas con la manga del buzo. Los mocos cometelos que lo venís haciendo bastante bien. Segunda sonrisa. Abrís la mano para darme un marroc. Te digo que no, que me estoy cuidando. "Vos sí estás triste" me decís molesto. Cuando llorás te ves hermosa porque pareces real.Tan preciosa como cuando reís.

Cambiás la música: Hacés que suene Divididos y me cantás. Bailando te acercás, a los ojos me decís que estoy más hermosa que nunca. Que tengo todo, incluso, las piernas más lindas.

Hace cuánto ya? te pregunté. ¿ Del último rescate o desde que te confesé que sos la vara con la que mido a cualquier mujer? Suena Teléfonos/White trash... Reímos, empezamos a saltar y al unísono decimos: ¿Te acordás la noche de Cemento?

Te pregunto por ella. Bien. Lo de siempre, gorda. Qué sé yo. Estamos bien. Te manda saludos, entre dientes, pero te manda saludos. A menudo te menciona. Me sonrío.

Te cuento de mis sobrinos, te enamora mi amor y los adorás. No podés creer que Sofi siga viva. Veo que aprendiste algo y ponés QOTSA

Te muestro la tele nueva. La investigás. Sacás de la mochila la peli a la que sabés que no puedo negarme: We'll always have Paris, me decís. Suelto una carcajada y te digo que hace años que no sos mi Humphrey Bogart. Nos acostamos. Puchereo mientras te cuento que anoche no dormí bien, que hace tiempo que tengo problemas para conciliar el sueño. Hablás de mi trabajo, de mis horarios, me retás un poco y comenzás a darme palmadas en la cola intentando comprobar si el viejo método de llevarme al sueño sigue funcionando. Ni lo intentes, hace mucho tiempo que no me duermo así.

Me siento en la cama. Te miro, me acariciás la cara y con voz de ayer me decís: Sos un rompecabezas, bonita.

Sacamos fotos. Hablamos. Reímos. Leímos.

Me salvaste el domingo te digo al oído mientras te despido en un abrazo. Me besás los ojos: Hace años vos me diste mucho más. Te respeto mucho más de lo que te amo. Fuiste vos! Ya no sabía a quién le había robado esa frase. Te reís, me abrazás y me mojás la oreja sabiendo que lo detesto. Nos guiñamos un ojo.

Cualquier cosa,

Cualquier lugar,

Siempre.

[lemecdlucas]

                               🌾 ❛❛ 🐺💘🌚Nick hizo un puchero aunque no pudiera verlo, mientras asentía. —¿Lo ves como tu hijito?—Eso le sorprendió y le hizo cambiar el gesto en su rostro.—¿Somos papás?—La idea le encantó—¡Tuvimos un hijo fuera del matrimonio!— Se escandalizó a modo de broma antes de soltarse a reír. —Uh, eso me gusta. Quiero mi película de terror. Te ahorraras muchos efectos especiales —Bromeó gruñendo como si estuviera en personaje, antes de reír. —Oye, si es cierto. Ahora que lo mencionas tiene mucho sentido ¡es nuestro Freddy Mercury!—Fantaseo mirando hacia su novio. La verdad tenían de novio al mejor de todos, tanto Daeron como Tarik siempre se desvivían en darles todo. Eran increíbles. —¿Verdad? deberíamos ir a Mallorca a comprobarlo—Bromeó encantado de siempre compartir datos inútiles con Kellan y que este los escuchara como la mayor novedad de todas. —Muy buenas preguntas, te apuesto mmmm ¿una caja de chocolates que lo cambio en Mallorca?—Ideó como juego. Aunque creía que el que ganaría seria Kellan porque lo más probable era que estos objetos fueran de la propiedad de Tarik.—¿Qué dices de tu cuchillo? Yo digo que mató al líder de la tribu que lo tenía para poder obtenerlo y esta encerrado ahí—Se inventó el lobo encantado de jugar con las posibilidades mientras se imaginaba a un Tarik malvadamente guapo. —Creo que las respuestas van a tardar un rato—Apuntó hacia sus novios que estaban en su momento romántico.—Deberíamos sacarles una foto se ven adorables—Nick se conmovió hasta parecía una escena de una película romántica donde el protagonista se quedaba con el amor de vida. El lobo estuvo a 2 de arrebatarle el cuchillo a Kellan para jugar con él pero, se detuvo, no quería quedar en el limbo. —Bueno, así podrían despertarme con un beso los 3 ¿no?—sonrió coqueto.—Entonces, si roba la energía sobrenatural, tú tampoco deberías de estarlo tocando—Se preocupo por Kellan, no quería que terminara durmiendo por siglos. —¡Verdad! podríamos darle un mejor ambiente con la música.—Nick fue a su piano y tocó un pedazo de melodía desgarradora y melancólica que se le ocurrió. Aunque debería tocarles algo más romántico para esos dos.

                        🌾 ❛❛ 🧛🏻‍♂️❤️👑—Ah, fue en ese momento—Daeron no pudo evitar sonrojarse ante la mención, recordando con claridad el primer beso que tuvo con Tarik. Había sido el mejor momento de su vida, en el que descubrió lo que sentía por él. Entregándose a él sin saber si sería o no correspondido. Ahora, podía sentir que ese arriesgue lo había valido todo, tenía el amor de su alma gemela y de los amores de su vida, tenía todo lo que nunca creyó tener. —Me gusta saber que me miras de esa forma—Observó sintiéndose dicho de que lo considerara digno de un obsequió de esa magnitud. —A donde sea que yo vaya, te llevaré, amor mío—Prometió para honrar ese obsequió tan especial. —Eres mío y yo soy tuyo—Agregó acariciando su mejilla. —Siempre lo serás, Tarik Wayne—Replicó dejándose envolver en los brazos del hombre que amaba, sintiéndose el vampiro más dicho en el planeta. Las palabras que Tarik le dedicó le tomaron por sorpresa y definitivamente volvieron a llenar sus ojos de lágrimas por el amor que sintió en cada una de ellas. —Gracias, amor. Todo te lo debo a ti y a Kellan, siempre han estado conmigo en cada paso que doy, ahora también me acompaña Nick y me siento dichoso por ello, sin ustedes no me hubiera sido tan sencillo, son una muy buena motivación—Reconoció separándose solamente un poquito de él para verlo a los ojos hermosos que tenía. —Kellan es todo para mi, quiero que sepa cuanto lo amo. Espero no equivocarme en lo que estoy haciendo Tarik—Susurró sabiendo que su alma entendería a lo que se refería.—De cualquier forma a mi me hace bien saber que te hayas feliz junto a Nick y que también te hayas permitido amar de esa forma, mereces toda felicidad que no te ha sido posible en tantos siglos—Sonrió dejando un beso en sus labios—Lo hago pero, no sé como cuidarlo de mi y mi temor a perderlo—Confesó. —Gracias, alma mía. Incluso si también es necesario, hazlo de mi

💖🧙‍♀️✨. Kellan no pudo evitar reírse por la teatralidad de su amigo. — ¿Así que piensas que primero me casaría con Nickonejo? Okey, primero eso es imposible, porque es mi hijo esponjoso y eso debe estar penado; y segundo, eso te haría su padre también — justificó con una risita—. Sí, un lobo come carne humana. Hagamos una película — bromeó, siguiéndole la corriente—. Yo igual — se quejó—. Aunque, ¿no te parece que Tarik se parece un poco? Es fabuloso, guapo y cantante. Tenemos a nuestro propio Freddie Mercury, debería hacernos un recital de Queen — ideó emocionado. Sabía que Tarik podía cumplirles cualquier cosa. La prueba más clara eran los obsequios en la habitación. No sólo ellos, también la forma en que los había colocado. Tarik había puesto atención en cada detalle. ¿Podría ser más fabuloso? La respuesta era sí. Podía. Su atención se fue hacia Nick al escuchar la historia sobre el piano—. Ah, yo también imagino que debe ser una réplica — exclamó impresionado—. ¿Qué habrá hecho Tarik para obtenerlo? ¿O siempre fue suyo? — Con el egipcio jamás se sabía. Lo mismo se preguntaba del cuchillo que tenía en sus manos. Era una de las armas más mortíferas del mundo—. Si que podría. — Kellan había fantaseado con tener algo como esto desde hace años— Ajá. ¿Pero desde cuándo? Yo necesito respuestas — se quejó. Quería saberlo todo. Tarik debía contarle cada parte de la historia—. Pero debes tener cuidado. Absorbe la energía de la personas sobrenaturales, no quieres ser un lobito durmiente — le advirtió. Pero la seriedad dio paso a las risas—. ¡Claro! Todo mientras tú tocas la pieza más melancólica y desgarradora que tengas. Debemos tener música de fondo para la escena — río.

🧑🏼‍🎤💖🎵. — Fue en nuestro primer beso, de nada — le mostró una sonrisa divertida y amorosa. Tarik lo adoraba con todo su ser. Sabía que se había apartado para que Daeron cumpliera sus sueños. Había sido difícil; más ahora comprendía que por dos razones increíbles: esos dos seres caóticos que ahora sonreían. Estaba orgulloso de lo que eran ahora. No era la primera vez que Daeron escuchaba del brazalete. Era una historia añadida a las almas gemelas, una leyenda que sabía que el contrario comprendía muy bien—. Claro que eres digno, mi corazón — le sonrió cariñosamente—. Lo sé, me parece necesario que lleves parte de mi contigo. A parte de mi corazón, por supuesto — después de todo, la mitad le pertenecía—. Entonces yo también soy digno — repuso, al saberse correspondido—. Y yo a ti — mascullo, sellando ese gesto con una sonrisa, mientras le abrazaba. No pudo contenerse y susurro a su oído—: Estoy orgulloso de ti. De todo lo que has logrado y en lo que te has convertido, mi corazón — pronunció—. Y aún más de que hayas encontrado a una persona como Kellan. Me alegra observar que te permitas amar intensamente. No te equivocaste, es maravilloso — constató—. Cuídalo, ¿sí? De cualquier forma, yo también lo haré por ti — rectificó su promesa sobre proteger a Kellan.

[dansfull]

fantaseando un rato

me deprimo y me encierro en mi pieza a escuchar música y a pensar en distintas formas de amor romántico. fantaseo que tengo un novio, un poco más alto que yo, morocho. sin rulos, con el pelo corto, rapado a los costados, con los ojos negros como el petróleo y las pestañas muy largas. los labios gruesos, las cejas selvadas y algún pircing en la cara: en la ceja o en el labio. alguna cadena en el cuello. muy fachero, con buzos largos y deportivos. y que internamente tenga la mente re profunda. q no hable mucho, q sienta mucho x mi pero q se haga el difícil. q me la haga difícil, que vuelva interesante la relación. me imagino que muchas pibas se lo intentan chamuyar y él las ignora pero yo igual me pongo insegura. peleamos mucho por eso, a veces hasta nos gritamos cosas tan horribles que pienso que no nos amamos de verdad. pero siempre uno de los dos cede. me mostrás tu música, acostados en la cama, compartiendo un mismo auricular. escuchamos yung beef juntos y me contás de cómo te gusta el trap español. “a mi me gusta más la mafia del amor”, te digo. te regalo dibujos que pegás en tu pieza y casi todas las noches me hablas. me contas de tus amigos, de lo mucho que te hace reír “tal” persona. salimos bastante con ellos, generalmente no salimos solos, nos gusta quedarnos en casa durante el día. la calle es para tirar free con los pibes, o eso es lo que parece. viajo mucho para tu casa y me quedo varios días seguidos porque vivís lejos. en la mía no podemos quedarnos sin que nos molesten, además mis viejos no te quieren nada. me encanta tu familia, tu mamá es super buena y tenés una hermanita más chica que siempre me pide que le lea el oráculo o que le tire las cartas. por vos empiezo a tener malas notas en mi carrera universitaria. me importa tan poco, por fin siento que estoy viviendo amor de verdad. por fin siento algo real en la vida. me vuelvo adicta a vos. peleamos bastante cuando salimos con tus amigos porque me doy cuenta cómo te miran tus amigas: así como te miraba yo cuando no éramos nada. me da bronca. un amigo tuyo me dice que vos estás muerto conmigo, que en serio te importo y que no me haga la cabeza por mis inseguridades, que vivís hablando de mi con ellos. siempre después de salir a la madrugada a escabiar con los chicos a la plaza, volvemos a tu casa de la mano, a veces esta amaneciendo y otras sigue oscuro. me siento en una cuerda floja con vos: llegamos a tu casa y empezamos a discutir, otras noches llegamos y empezamos a besarnos, otras nos dormimos abrazados llenos de complicidad y paz. me gusta verte dormir. me hace tan bien verte con la piel super pálida y las pestañas larguísimas abanicándote la cara. sos tan lindo conmigo. pero sigo sintiéndome insegura, siento que vas a dejarme en algún momento por otra, como hicieron los demás. “no te complikes ke yo te quiero mucho, no confias en mi? ni cabida a esas loras” me escribís a la madrugada y yo lloro leyendo tus mensajes y pensando en la tarada que te responde los tuits y las fotos que subís. nos dejamos de hablar por dos semanas. la primer semana bajo mucho de peso, las ojeras me pesan en la cara y lo único que sé hacer es llorar y extrañarte. la segunda semana pesa igual que la primera, pero ya no lloro y por lo menos puedo dormir. una noche, unos amigos tuyos me invitan a la plaza. voy, con la estúpida esperanza de verte. claramente, estás ahí. te veo de lejos riéndote con los chicos, vos no me viste todavía, estás perfecto o eso parece. me acerco al grupo con otros y cuando te das cuenta de mi presencia, se te desfigura la cara. te quedás unos quince minutos y después metés la excusa de que tenés que irte. es re temprano y es obvio que lo hacés por mi culpa. “es re temprano...” digo bajito pero igual me escuchás. “tengo q hacer otras cosas” me decis cortante sin mirarme. la tensión está en el aire. “si queres podés acompañarme” me decís. todos nos miran y siento que en realidad estabas buscando un momento para estar conmigo a solas. vamos a tu casa. hablamos de todo. me molesta verte tan bien, a mi se me nota mucho lo mal que estoy. fumamos porro y terminamos cogiendo. te cojo con bronca, con odio, casi llorando. pero te amo tanto. esa noche volvimos a estar juntos. seguimos saliendo y hablando, como antes pero más cautos. yo estoy muy dolida. vos intentás no generarme inseguridades y de verdad lo aprecio. necesito procesar estos temas sola, igual. empiezo a salir con otro pibe, no sé qué es lo que tenemos nosotros y la verdad necesito estar con alguien más sexualmente para poder descargarme. me duele verte solo a vos y saber que te amo tanto, me siento vulnerable. elijo no contarte nada de lo que hago, y tampoco me interesa si vos estás con otras pibas. intento no perseguirme, tampoco me importa, es mucho el resentimiento. quiero que te enteres en unos meses que estuve con otro y que te duela el alma. que sufras vos también. que me llores y que te duela quererme. efectivamente, un mes después te enterás de que estoy con otro porque un amigo tuyo te contó. caes de improviso a mi casa, me empezás a gritar. quizás en un pasado, te hubiera dicho que no grites así en mi casa que no quiero que mis viejos se preocupen por nada. pero me chupó un huevo. “porque sos tan hija de puta conmigo, qué mierda te hice?”. me gritas. terminás llorando. yo no digo ninguna palabra en toda la escena. nunca te vi llorar. me da unas náuseas verte así de mal. no entiendo por qué hago lo que hago a veces. “no sabia que estábamos de nuevo juntos”. excusas baratas salen de mi boca. ¿qué pensaras de mi verdaderamente? igual, no me importa lo que pienses de mí. discutimos. no nos vemos por una semana. voy a buscarte a tu casa. cogemos. volvemos a estar juntos. “te quiero ver bien” te digo y me repito a mi misma. salimos con tus amigos de noche a la plaza. antes me mirabas toda la noche, fijo. me calentaba mucho como todos hablaban de algo y nosotros hacíamos el amor con la mirada mientras fumábamos. era tan intenso y sobrenatural. pero después de todo lo que pasó, ni podés mirarme. todo el tiempo pegadito con tu amiguita. aprovecho y me chamuyo a tu amigo. lo peor es que me sigue la corriente. le pregunto a tu amigo si me acompaña atrás del árbol a hacer pis. terminamos besándonos entre los yuyos. el amor no existe es solo resentimiento. “no está bien esto” me para el chabón y yo no aguanto más esta mierda. me voy de la plaza de la nada, ni te aviso en persona, te mando un mensaje cuando estoy en el bondi yendo a mi casa. te juro que te amo, pero es tan complicado estar bien con vos. es una eterna competencia de dominio. el amor como una eterna competencia. poseer y ser poseído. llego a mi casa, drogada y con llamadas perdidas tuyas. me deprimo y me encierro en mi pieza a escuchar música y a pensar en distintas formas de amor romántico.

[r-a-h-u]

SIN TÍTULO

 Es impreciso y preciso que no tenga título este escrito. Primero, para no evidenciar mis daños colaterales de la vida. Segundo, porque mi corazón coraza está muy triste para ponerle título. Sí, aquí estoy. Escribiendo como loca; buscando en el evangelio una respuesta a mis dudas.. ¿Qué es lo que verdaderamente quiero? Sufro los efectos de un hechizo el cual pensé ya me había zafado. Es como padecer una enfermedad. Una alergia que aparece y pica cuando menos te lo esperas. Yo sé y alguien supone saber de quién hablo y es cierta su suposición. ¿Dónde estará? Con este escrito no quisiera materializar mi acercamiento. No quisiera, quisiera más que este escrito no existiera... Y si existiera sería sólo en aquel cuaderno que fue quemado y apuñalado.. Un cuaderno que dejo una lágrima permanente. Usar cicatrizante puede ayudar a medias; aunque nunca termina de curarte. Segregar serotonina en exceso tal vez te deprime más... Usar Yemuru te hace sentir muerta y enferma, realmente te hace sentir más enferma de lo que estás.

 No me gusta organizar mis palabras en un escrito. Últimamente prefiero tener un caldo de agujas en mi cabeza... ¿Pero sabes qué? Quizá sea bueno sacar esta cascada de palabras que traigo(las cascadas *suspira*); para ver si me libero un poco... El egoísmo a veces nos hace volvernos sobre nosotros mismos y olvidar lo miserable de la vida... Yo sé que quien me lee notara que no sé escribir como lo haría un gran o una gran poeta para ser inclusivas. Sí, en el mundo se habla mucho en masculino. Por eso quiero poner aquí el grito de inconformidad de mis compañeras; que odian que siempre se les esté hablando a su cuerpo en masculino. Quisiera señora; ser como una flor. Así de sencilla y flexible, así de diáfana... Pero claro: hasta la flor tiene la fuerza del destino que son sus raíces...Me pregunto ¿Por qué me puse pétalo? El pétalo se desconecta de la raíz del destino. Es lo más diáfano, lo más frágil por decirlo de esta manera. Lo que más se aleja de la fuerza. Ayer en un más allá que existe... Porque si nos ponemos a pensar, la palabra más allá nos habla de un lugar más allá. No de un nunca... Por eso mi tío puede estar notando mis ridiculeces. Últimamente siento que Dios está lejos de mí... No lo siento, es como si estuviera en silencio. Tal vez cometí un error  y se alejó de mí. Su dignidad fue atropellada por esta mujer y decidió alejarse… Como una pareja que es herida por su amor y en nombre de su dignidad decide tomar distancia.

 ¿Cómo superar esta agonía? Los seres humanos no están fijos a la tierra... Me pregunto en realidad: ¿Qué será de los seres humanos?.. Quizá somos pétalos que son sueltos de su raíz; pues despegados somos de la tierra a diferencia de como lo es un árbol con sus raíces. La gravedad es nuestra raíz invisible que nos trae atados a la tierra. Así como las mariposas y las aves... Estas parecen ser seres que pertenecen más al cielo que a la tierra. A veces me siento así; desde mi incapacidad humana siendo un ser que pertenece más al cielo... Por eso me gusta colgar mi cabeza al revés y notar que es mucho más grande el habitad del cielo que lo es la tierra. Claro que no estoy despreciando la tierra. En la tierra hay divinidades sueltas... Pero ¿Qué será del agua? Ese componente misterioso… Resuelvan el siguiente acertijo: El agua es más pesada que la tierra y que el cielo; pero cuando estás dentro de ella puedes volar ¿Qué es el agua entonces? Es lo más profundo a mí parecer. Leer sobre los signos zodiacales puede afectar tu personalidad. Ten cuidado con eso; Porque puedes pertenecer a todo y empezar a imitar cosas que realmente no eres. ‘‘Yo soy así según mi signo’’. Me convierto en una persona de tal descripción. Prométeme que tendrás cuidado a la hora. Aunque te pido algo difícil. Yo digo que la personalidad se ve en lo que eres cuando niño. Recuérdate; una persona súper divertida, sociable, que le gustaba mucho el deporte, las comidas, no le gustaba mucho leer (Gesto de pena), odiaba un poco el colegio, a pesar de que le gustaba porque tenía amigos. Una persona de buena actitud que casi nunca fue la primera. A no ser por ese profesor de educación física que hubiera querido que fuera mi padre…Y demás  situaciones... ¿Aun soy eso? Debo dejar la amargura; aunque mi amargura siempre se torna triste y eso sea lo más doloroso. Que te levanten con una queja... Eso sí te daña el día... ¡Qué te levanten a gritos! Hay cosas que me duelen bastante. Ya van dos veces que regaño a Isabella mi prima y no sé cómo ni dónde.. Pero se me salta el taco y quedo como una amargada... Lo siento Isabella en verdad no quise herirte... Me duele mucho haberte regañado. Yo quiero jugar de nuevo a las princesas. Seré la princesa Celeste. ¿Qué pensaras de estas cosas ridículas que digo?

 Bueno,  ella una vez me descubrió pidiéndome a mí misma el noviazgo.. ¿Será eso normal? Me avergüenzo... Sí sé que me gusta tratarme con cariño y amor. La vez pasada me vi en un espejo y me enamore de mí misma... Me coquetee y no sé si sea algo loco o extraño. Ella me espió. Sólo una vez trate de insinuarlo. ¡Confiesa!(Dice mi mente)... ¿Por qué nunca quise haberlo tratado? Bueno, imagino que me recordara y su fuerza de atracción es muy fuerte… Me duelen los abdominales porque he estado haciendo ejercicio como loca, he conocido personas muy especiales en mi vida; los amo… La muerte de mi tío hizo que cambiara mi vida... Ayer te extrañe y recordé lo ingeniosa que eres y estoy orgullosa de eso... Me gustaba mucho como me besabas y ayer recordaba esas escenas... (Risa) Hay muchos capítulos en mi vida a resaltar... ¿Quizá haya ido alguien a preguntarme? No lo creo. La verdad es que no. Debo levantarme de esta cama ociosa. Debo hacer "Muchas cosas". Es muy peligroso eso del zodiaco eh. Así que tengan mucho cuidado; es como la brujería.

Pétalo de Mar

[miscartasdeamor]

Querida Avellana Jun/21

No sé si volvamos a vernos…, oye no hagas eso, sé que estás diciendo “¡no seas dramática!”, pero si estando en la misma ciudad no te veía ahora menos.

En verdad siento haberte lastimado, haber roto mi propio corazón intentando conquistarte y creyendo que si me esforzaba y mejoraba un poco algún día podría logarlo, por no haber aceptado y renunciado a ello desde tu primer no, pero a pesar del rechazo seguías aquí y aun no entiendo ¿por qué?

La verdad es que siempre me ha preocupado que haya algo mal conmigo, enserio, tal vez no sea buena en ninguna forma y por eso no le agrado mucho a la gente, me asusta tanto cuando me encariño con alguien, cuando esa persona se acerca mucho a mí, porque al final todos siempre me abandonan, me olvidan y me ignoran, siempre me quedo completamente sola en el silencio, todo el tiempo me siento como fantasma a quien nadie ve ni escucha, eso duele mucho. Además de ser un bicho raro, inadaptada, soy intensa, dramática, amargada y pesimista (adorable combinación)

La verdad ya ni siquiera estoy segura de cómo se sentirá que alguien te quiera, lo asocio a que me presten atención, me den regalos, pasen tiempo conmigo sin razón, la verdad no lo sé, la gente que alguna vez ha sido amable o gentil conmigo como Mora es por un conveniencia, no por afecto, me llevo al psicólogo porque estando mal yo no podía administrar sus negocios, y ella no quería hacerlo, estaba en un momento crucial y no había tiempo para buscar a alguien más, cuando todo se calmó me dijo si quieres ya puedes renunciar, y lo hice; aun ahora me tiene cerca por si necesita de mi y nada más.

Hasta mi propia madre me ha dejado muchas veces en especial cuando sale con alguien ellos son prioridad, e intento regalar varias veces desde que nací, se la vive diciéndome todo lo que hago mal, el fracaso que soy, que por ser como soy es que no tengo amigos y nadie nunca me va a querer, en mi adolescencia muchas veces se olvidaba de mí, que a veces me quedaba afuera en el jardín de la casa, igual que mis tíos, para ellos yo solo fui su caridad para presumir con sus amistades, ni a mis primos tampoco les importaba cada que venían de vacaciones se iban a pasear sin mí, cada navidad yo era la única encerrada en un cuarto sin cena y sin regalos, nadie se acordaba de mí al menos que necesitaran burlarse de mi, mis amigos de la escuela igual solo cuando necesitaban dibujos, la tarea o algún favor me buscaban, siempre soy la última opción de todos, “él ya que” hasta la fecha casi nadie me invita a fiestas o eventos. Por eso siempre hago todo sola desde niña, voy sola al cine, viajo sola, voy a comer sola. (vaya que triste mi vida, pásame un pañuelo para llorar)

Tanta soledad pesa y mucho, por eso no le veo sentido a vivir más así, no es que no haya cosas que me hagan feliz, me encanta dibujar, nadar, comer helado, escuchar música, leer e ir al cine, pero justo cuando me planteaba si valía la pena seguir aquí apareciste, estabas a mi lado derecho en el cruce de aquella avenida, y aun cuando te había visto antes y había caminado tres calles detrás de ti, no fue hasta cuando nos miramos y me sonreíste, esa sonrisa tan cálida y deslumbrante, que por primera vez sentí algo que me sacudió el alma, fue tan raro, de repente el mundo desapareció, todos los sonidos se silenciaron y solo podía verte a ti (eso solo me pasa en la alberca o cuando dibujo), aunque sentí ganas de correr, sentía un miedo irracional, en una fracción de segundo recordé a Pau, como ella fue la primer persona en muchos años que me vio, me escuchaba, me prestaba atención y a veces me hacía sentir que no estaba sola pero que al final solo se divierto con mis sentimientos y me ignoraba hasta que me necesitaba, por eso quise correr creo fue el temor de que me podrías romper el corazón, pero no podía moverme, era muy raro, no quería dejar de verte sonreír.

De verdad desde ese momento te amé con todo mi corazón y aun cuando crees que no es posible porque ni siquiera te conocía, bueno si hay gente que puede odiarte sin ningún motivo, también puedes amar a alguien sin razón.

El día que supe tu nombre también descubrimos la increíble coincidencia de que cumplimos años el mismo día, no olvido que fue mientras hacían la lista de asistencia, estaba sentada detrás de ti, al escucharme decirlo te giraste tan rápido en la silla que pensé te caerías y cuando me di cuenta sujetabas mis manos entre las tuyas, sonreías tan emocionada, me dijiste “yo también cumplo años ese día, tenemos que hacer algo juntas para festejarlo”, iluminabas toda la habitación, (no tienes idea de cuanto había deseado tener a alguien con quien festejar mi cumpleaños la mayoría lo paso sola, resulta un día como cualquiera incluso llegue a odiarlo).

En ese simple gesto vi todo lo que hay en ti, tu escancia; vi amabilidad, tu ternura, tu inteligencia, tu espontaneidad, tu corazón inocente y puro, cuando te comencé a tratar vi tu madures, tu forma de ver el mundo, tu inseguridad, tu timidez, tu indecisión la fluidez con que desarrollas un tema, tus pensamientos, conocerte, a familia, tu infancia, tus buenos modales, que cada que escuchas una canción que te gusta la cantas sin importar dónde estés ,y sin darme cuenta me enamore perdidamente de ti. Amarte ha sido la cosa más fácil que he hecho en mi vida; la verdad es que las cosas que mas amo de ti son tu sonrisa, tu voz, wow podría escucharte todo el día, me encanta ese gesto que haces cuando estas cansada o triste, te ves tan adorable que me cuesta mucho no abrazarte y besarte, tus orejas son tan sexys, lo se es raro pero me encantan, y amo la forma en que a veces dudas de las cosas, esos pequeños momentos de inseguridad, incluso cuando me regañas me muero de ternura.

A veces creo que si no fuera tan insegura las cosas habrían sido diferentes, tal vez no, porque hay tantos tipos detrás de ti y lo entiendo, eres genial, en ese entonces los había, además de tener el género correcto, de ser 15 años más jóvenes, tenían más cosas que ofrecerte, yo era y sigo siendo un caos y muy complicada, me hace cuestionarme ¿Quién podría amarme?

Hay tantas cosas que nunca te dije, como la razón por la cual me hice amiga de Alan y Rodro, no me caían mal solo que fue estrategia de guerra, “ten a tus amigos cerca y a tus enemigos aún más cerca”, eran la competencia directa, los tres queríamos conquistarte, y como te llevabas más con ellos, jugué mis piezas, lamento también espantarte a todos los demás tipos del call center, incluso Gonzalo nunca se te acerco o te hablo porque el inmediatamente se dio cuenta de mis intenciones, un día cuando te di un chocolate se me acerco, me dio una palmada en el brazo, luego te miro y sonrió, en ese momento no lo entendí. Y la pelea en el bar no fue por mala copa sino que fue por ti, estábamos muy borrachos es verdad, pero no tanto como para no saber que decíamos y ese niño idiota dijo algo muy irrespetuoso sobre ti que no pude soportarlo y antes de darme cuenta le había dado un puñetazo, luego el ego de machos se nos subió junto con el alcohol y terminamos a golpes, yo gane obviamente, pero me temo que no fue la única, ni la última vez, con ambos cada que hacían esos comentarios terminaba tratando de romperles la cara, enserio me enojaba como podían agradarte esos imbéciles, ellos enserio no te conocían ni les interesaba hacerlo, solo querían llevarte a la cama, fue cuando pensé que debería intentar lanzarme, yo si merecía esa oportunidad, yo si te quería de verdad, para todo y por las buenas.

No tienes idea de cuánto me dolió nuestro primer festejo de cumpleaños cuando me dijiste que te gustaba Rodro y lo querías allí, más que nada porque el muy cretino se hizo de rogar porque sabía perfectamente que sentía por ti y estaba disfrutando de sentir que había ganado, que tenía razón cuando dijo que yo jamás tendría una oportunidad contigo, ese día verte con él me mato, pero me aguante porque quería verte feliz, trate de mantenerme a distancia y dejarte con él, ese fue mi regalo para ti.

Yo no era consiente que te quería hasta esa noche que por un audio te recite la escena del balcón de Romeo y Julieta, estabas triste por haberte encontrado con tu ex y su actitud de mierda contigo, me dijiste que te sentías como una luna sin brillo, unos días después de eso, te diste cuenta mientras hablamos por mensajes y creíste que estaba triste, le preguntaste a José sobre eso, yo estaba en un ataque de pánico, como se me podría haber ocurrido, como había permitido que eso pasara, no otra vez, ya había sido suficiente con Pau, me tomo 6 años superarlo, no quería terminar con el corazón roto y la sensación de haber hecho el ridículo, contigo me sentía como adolescente de secundaria toda nerviosa, torpe y sin saber qué hacer, dios porque no pase por eso a los 17 como todo el mundo, hubiera sido menos vergonzoso.

Algunas veces eras tan madura y centrada que por eso me tomaba tan enserio tus palabras y consejos, quería mejorar, crecer y madurar, convertirme en esa persona que creí que debería ser a mi edad, esa persona que pudieras admirar y querer, quería tener algo que ofrecer, sentir que te merecía, pero cada que lo intentaba solo lo hacía mal, como con lo del choque. Incluso contigo, cada cosa que trato de decirte algo lindo lo digo tan mal que terminas enojada o triste, te lastimo y lo arruino, por eso cuando me contagie y enferme de este virus tan de moda, que contagie a mi mamá me puse tan intensa y dramática pues si tú también te hubieras contagiado, si algo te pasara por mi culpa e insistencia, jamás me lo podría perdonar, ya mate a mi perrito que era mi único amigo por quererlo tanto, cuando salía con Pau se rompió un dedo del pie en mi cumpleaños y en navidad se intoxico tanto que no podía ni levantarse de la cama por días, dice que no tiene que ver conmigo pero yo siento que sí, incluso a conejito, si al peluche, también lo lastime un día enferma se me cayó y se quemó un poco, siento que entre más quiero a alguien algo malo le pasa, por eso a veces me distancio o intento distanciarme de ti, es mi estúpida manera de protegerte de mí.

Y sin embargo tengo tan lindos recuerdos contigo, mis mejores recuerdos de la vida son contigo, yo creía que lo más cercano a una novia que había tenido era Pau, por todo lo chido que había tenido con ella, pero la verdad es que no tenía ni idea de que hay muchas cosas más, contigo he vivido y hecho cosas increíble que nunca había imaginado hacer, como una que amo y cada que escucho esa canción me erizo, un día fui a visitarte al cine pero no coincidimos y te mande un mensaje de que iría al walmart y que tal vez luego pasaría a verte, me llamaste por teléfono para decirme de un trabajo en un hotel y que querías que enviara mis papeles también, en eso cuando pasaba por el área de frutas y comida había una bocina donde sonaba a todo volumen la canción de "procura", de repente dejaste de hablar y comenzaste a cantar, wow se me encogió el estomago porque literalmente me estabas cantando al oído, es lo mas cerca que he estado de que alguien me dedique una canción además al final te reíste casi sentí que podía verte; contigo subí a un barco por primera vez y en ese viaje también comí guayas por primera vez, tal vez no lo recuerdes pero me las diste de comer en la boca, en verdad, para ti era una travesura que estabas disfrutando tanto que no dejabas de reírte, hasta que me viste seria, pensaste que me había molestado por eso, pero la realidad es que no te diste cuanta de cómo nos veía la gente, tenía rato que los había visto pero no lo entendía hasta que en la última cucharada que me diste la pareja del otro lado del camión se persigno al vernos, y lo supe, no eran los únicos otras personas nos veían de forma tan desagradable que me preocupe, estábamos al final del camión, si al bajar decían algo o incluso intentaban lastimarte, mi instinto protector se activó y fue cuando me puse seria, tenía que protegerte, cuidarte, no era lo que hacías ni tu risa, era mi cara de idiota, era tan evidente lo que sentía por ti que todo mundo se dio cuenta no iba a permitir que por mis sentimientos te lastimaran y ojala esa fuera la única vez que la gente nos vio con desagrado. Por eso siempre que estamos en público a veces sientes que tengo miedo o soy algo distante, por eso aunque me muero por tomar tu mano, no lo hago ni me acerco demasiado a ti, aunque una vez si tome tu mano. ¿Recuerdas cuando fuimos en junio al parque de las Américas y comimos unos tostilocos? Ese día cuando caminábamos al mini súper frente al parque tome tu mano justo al llegar a la esquina, te burlaste y me dijiste "¿me tomas de la mano para cruzar la calle como si fuera una niña pequeña?", en ese momento te solté y no supe que decirte, tanto tu comentario como mi acción me dejaron sin palabras, la verdad tome tu mano porque quería hacerlo, sentirte, cuidarte, porque te quiero y nada más, y lo hice sin darme cuenta, fue como un reflejo. Creo que el día que mas me ha costado no tocarte ni acercarme es cuando fuimos al cine un día antes de año nuevo y traías ese vestido gris con líneas blancas, con ese sexy escote de espalda, wow te veías tan hermosa y sexy, sude frio todo el día, para poder controlarme me la pasaba viendo mi celular, jugando y mandando memes, tenia miedo de que si me acercaba me iba a propasar contigo, me moría de ganas... bueno el momento mas difícil fue cuando estábamos en el camión y apagaron la luz, que idiota pude robarte un beso y no me atreví, pero tal vez fue mejor así.

También algo más que me dijiste el día del parque, sé que aún lo recuerdas pues me lo has echado en cara un par de veces y necesito explicarte el porqué de eso, pues no es como tú crees; veras en esas fechas querías que nos fuéramos a Europa o a otro país por dos años, me sorprendió que me pidieras que fuera contigo, aun o se porque me elegiste a mí, y sin pensarlo te dije que sí, enserio empecé a planearlo, a preparar todo para no dejar nada pendiente, y también me dijiste que ibas a tener una semana de vacaciones en agosto y querías ver si podrías pasarla trabajando, y surgió la posibilidad de estar en mi oficina, la verdad yo también lo quería, amo estar contigo, pero supe que no sería la mejor idea, ella ya sabía que me gustabas aunque yo no le había hablado de ti, pero tenía una foto nuestra como protector de pantalla en la pc, y la había visto y bueno la verdad es que si aún me gusta pero más que nada porque llena mis necesidades afectivas, admito que también llegó a confundirme un poco mientras trabaje con ella porque un día no sé cómo ni porque el coqueteo que tuvimos hace años se dio de nuevo, no sé si fue nostalgia de ambas, pero creo ella tenía dudas sobre su relación y si debía casarse, además de que quería que le dijera que me gustaba con todas sus letras y de frente para satisfacer su ego, pero en esos meses que paso, inconscientemente la llame por tu nombre una par de veces, una en nuestra fiesta de navidad después de un par de tequilas, no se creó que pensaba en ti, en que seguro te gustaría ese restaurante y en otra ocasión estaba durmiendo la siesta en la oficina y ella me hacía piojito, cuando intento despertarme porque estaba roncando, lo volví hacer, creo que soñaba contigo no recuerdo, la verdad ninguna de las dos la recuerdo muy bien pero ella se encargó de echármelo en cara muchas veces por eso lo sé; así que yo era consciente de que no le agradas, ella sabia que antes había salido con alguien y que no fue importante, pero contigo sabia que era diferente aun cuando yo no le dijera nada, meses después me dijo "No se porque te esfuerzas tanto por esa niña, conmigo nunca hiciste nada de eso" (en referencia a la jirafa de peluche). En resumen esa es la verdadera razón de que no pudieras trabajar en mi oficina, si le pregunte pero no le insistí más cuando me dijo que no o me hubiera quedado sin trabajo.

Ese coqueteo yo lo pare, le pedí dejarlo y que por favor no me hiciera ningún tipo de cariñitos cuando tu y yo empezamos hablar de nuevo y me tomo enserio hasta que vio que iba al Gym contigo, sabe que lo odio, pero también sabe que si me comprometía tanto era por algo, pero entonces cometí el enorme error de ser honesta con ella y hablarle abiertamente sobre ti, sobre mis sentimientos e intenciones y hasta le pedí consejo, en ese momento parecía una buena idea pues estuvo en tus zapatos, me conoce bien y creía que me diría algo que me ayudara, pero me lleno de inseguridades y por eso la cague, la escuche y deje que todo eso se quedara en mi cabeza, te dije otra vez que sentía y te presione a una respuesta, y después dejaste de ir al gym, y te alejaste un poco, yo tenía tanto miedo de que fueras, de que me odiaras, de que te enamoraras de alguien más, de ver como elegían a alguien más, me hace sentir que tal vez yo nunca encuentre a alguien... que yo que tanto deseo una familia, alguien con quien compartir todo, alguien que enserio me quiera y me haga sentir querida de verdad, que va a estar siempre, lo único que logro es arruinarlo y alejar a la gente.

La razón por la que deje de ver tus publicaciones, bueno se debe a que cada tipo con el que subes una foto o cada tipo al que presumes en tus redes, lo odio con todas mis fuerzas, por que desearía ser él, porque él si puede aspirar a estar contigo y yo no, porque con él sonríes como yo no puedo hacerte sonreír, aunque en verdad quiero que seas feliz, me mata verte con alguien más, enserio me duele porque aun no logro hacerme a la idea y odio sentirme así, por eso como los niños que se tapan los ojos, si no lo veo no existe, si no existe no duele, pero también es malo porque me daba esperanza y seguía esforzándome por intentar un día ser ese alguien, porque un día tal vez me ganaría esa oportunidad.

La verdad es que aunque muchas veces quise rendirme, me auto terapeaba y trataba de convencerme de que eso era imposible que tus actitudes me decían que no querías nada conmigo, no podía desistir, no se rendirme, soy muy perseverante y terca, para mi tu valías la pena y todo ese esfuerzo, y la verdad merezco algunos puntos, use toda mi artillería, pude haberte comprado regalos caros, ramos de flores y cosas de esas para impresionarte, tengo el dinero para eso y una tarjeta american exprés para todo lo demás (suggar a tus ordenes), pero preferí hacerte cada regalo, las flores de papel, pintar las letras de tu nombre, coser a mano la jirafa de peluche, dibujarte un separador, hacerte una larguísima, cursi y empalagosa playlist de música, videos cursis y melancólicos, te lleve a todos mis lugares favoritos y significativos como la fuente del parque de las américas, solía ir allí con mis abuelos cuando vinimos de vacaciones aquí, mi restaurante favorito, por la música en vivo romántica y las obras de arte con la iluminación de las estrellas, a mi sala de cine favorita, pero el mejor lugar fue aquel lago artificial con el puente, porque desde que lo vi pensé en ti, lo compartí solo contigo y cada que voy se que ese lugar es nuestro. Oye aun después de que me botaste en febrero del año pasado y me rompiste totalmente el corazón en mayo, a mi manera trate de recordarte que yo seguí allí, realmente nunca me rendi, a mi manera trate de estar presente, con la pandemia te mande un regalo y cuando volviste de alguna manera, aunque estabas lejos viaje para verte y estar contigo, no me importo que pase mas horas en el autobús que contigo, porque no es el tiempo ni la distancia, sino estar contigo. Así como a ti te caga mi intensidad a mi me hiere tu indiferencia, ahora te siento mas fría y seca conmigo, cortante y distante, a veces siento que ya no me quieres en tu vida de ninguna forma, ya no se si acercarme, me siento un poco frustrada, no se que decir o como actuar, si es por que lo arruine o solo estas en tus procesos.

Yo puse todas mis esperanzas en ti y esperaba tanto de ti, lo siento en verdad, porque son mis expectativas idealistas y no tenían por qué afectarte, además a veces creo que cuando me hablas escucho a mi abuelita, tienes algunas actitudes que me la recuerdan, ella era la única persona de quien en verdad creo haber recibido cariño sincero solo por ser yo, la única que me escuchaba, se interesaba en mí y en mis cosas, que siempre quería jugar conmigo, que cuando me enfermaba me cantaba, me contaba historias y me cuidaba, dibujaba conmigo y guardo todos los dibujos que le regale desde que estaba en el kinder, los vi cuando falleció y tuvimos que organizar sus cosas.

Lo único que yo quería contigo es conocerte y que me conocieras, que si había algún afecto mas que de amistad dejarlo fluir, estar para ti y que tu estuvieras para mi, poder confiarte todo y que tu confiaras en mi, compartirnos todo, apoyarnos, divertirnos, hacer cosas juntas, descubrir y recorrer el mundo contigo, crecer juntas, ser tu amiga, tu novia, tu compañera, aprender amarte, y formar una familia contigo, con perritos, peces, peques, todo lo que nos hiciera sentir plenas y felices.

La relación con mi madre era muy fría y distante la mayoría del tiempo, cuando era niña creía que no me quería porque nunca estaba, al final es la única familia que tengo y lo único constante en mi vida, sin ella en verdad me quedare totalmente sola, nadie más estará ni se preocupara por mí, se que a ella le preocupa hace años que intenta emparejarme con alguien y cuando le dije que soy gay desistió, teme dejarme sola, y la verdad es como si yo también dejara de existir, pues si nadie más me ve ni se preocupa por mí, será como si no existiera, por eso le tengo tanto miedo a ese día, sería como los olvidados en la película de Coco, sin nadie que me recuerde solo voy a desaparecer sin dejar rastro como si nunca hubiera existido, bueno eso siento y me asusta mucho.

Realmente lo único que quiero decirte es que siento haberte lastimado mas de lo que te pude hacer feliz, que en verdad me siento muy agradecida y feliz por haberte conocido, por todo el tiempo que pude estar contigo, tú me inspiraste de muchas formas, gracias a ti logre hacer todo lo que había pospuesto por años, me atreví a intentar aquello que temía o no me creía capaz de hacer, incluso me dieron ganas de vivir pues contigo me sentía tan viva como nunca antes y aunque suene cursi y loco contigo tuve mi momento romántico de película, algo tipo a "10 cosas que odio de ti" una de mis películas favoritas.

Por cierto dibujo retratos tuyos porque te extraño y me muero de ganas de salir corriendo a buscarte y darte un abrazo pero no puedo, eliji la foto que te mande y que me dijiste que no te gusto, porque en esa como en las otras fotos que use, eres simplemente tú, tan adorable y tierna, por lo menos así te ven mis ojos y si soy sincera mi foto favorita de ti es una que me enviaste en diciembre cuando estabas casi despertando en pijama medio despeinada sin nada de maquillaje; sabes tú eras mi única razón para levantarme de la cama tan feliz, incluso de tomar ese curso sobre la felicidad en la india, quería sentirme feliz siempre para compartir esa felicidad contigo, y me hiciste retomar la terapia cuando sentía que no me servía de nada, en pocas palabras tu eres lo mejor que podría pasarme en la vida.

Debes saber la verdadera razón del libro y de mis cartas que nunca te di, yo quería dejar plasmado en algún lugar mis sentimientos por ti pues siento que es lo único puro y bueno en mí, quería que ese sentimiento fuera eterno de alguna manera, si no podía estar contigo en esta vida, por lo menos una parte de mí y de ti si lo estén en papel, por eso estas en mi libro, allí trate de decir cuánto te quiero, que me he esforzado en la medida que he podido con cada una de esas ocurrencias que te he obsequiado, y que justo esa mascada fue el regalo que más me costó elegir, pues no tenía idea de cuál te gustaría más, pase meses buscándola, sin embargo elegí esa por una razón muy especial, la primera vez que saliste a solas conmigo fue un 12 de julio, fuimos al cine a ver hotel Transilvania 3, era martes y había llovido en la tarde, yo te esperaba en la entrada del cine y cuando te vi llegar me quede sin palabras, estabas hermosa con un conjunto como tipo overol de un short y blusa sin mangas negro con flores pequeñitas de colores pastel, unas sandalias y tu cabello recogido, cuando vi la mascada me acorde de ese día y de tu ropa, para mi ese día fue muy especial, algo así como una primera cita, por eso no dude en comprarla y regalártela. Esa es la razón de que ese suceso sea el tema de la historia del libro, porque allí encriptado entre líneas está plasmado cada uno de mis momentos más bonitos contigo y son los que me gusta recordar y los que vale la pena que vivan más que yo, ese es mi legado de amor, lo mejor de mi historia y de mi vida, la razón por la que espero me recuerden.

No te sientas mal por mi, estoy bien a mi manera, disfruto mucho de dar clases tengo 5 alumnas de 5 a 7 años, es lindo poder dibujar y platicar con ellas, hace que la vida parezca mas simple, aunque también es gracioso a veces es difícil saber quien es la alumna y quien la maestra, sin duda soy una niña pequeña; también sigo dibujando las ilustraciones de mi libro y trascribiendo las cartas para formar esa novela romántica aunque aun no se si me atreva a cambiar el final, sigo dibujando retratos tuyos y jirafas cuando te extraño, y viendo caricaturas mientras como helado o chocolates.

Espero que estés bien y mas tranquila, que pase lo que pase no te rindas ni tires la toalla enserio creo en ti y en que lograras tus metas, rezo para que Dios te cuide y proteja siempre, no pierdas nunca esa sonrisa tan linda que se robó mi corazón.

[winterinthecity]

Amo Asedio y Tormenta. Auxilio

Definitivamente me gusta mucho más cómo se desarrolla todo acá, me va pasando diferente al resto de gente que ama el primero y el tercero de la trilogía, pero odia el segundo. Bueno estoy amando bastante este segundo (y no, no es solo por Nikolai, tal vez un poco, pero no es únicamente por Nikolai). También es por Zoya. Ok no, probablemente sea por cómo se van entrelazando las subtramas y se explora de una perspectiva más centrada el tema de Alina no teniendo la capacidad de expresarle a Mal su sentir de manera más abierta... justamente por toda la mierda que Mal le dice a cada rato [dejemos que Nikolai mate a Mal :D. Corrijo, apoyemos a Nikolai si decide matar a Mal]. Bueno vamos en orden:

Nikolai es demasiado hermoso, es bastante narcisista, pero como en juego, y sé que es muy fuerte y un gran orador, dejando de lado de que es literalmente un príncipe y sí, tuvo todos los lujos que dicho título conlleva desde que nació, se esforzó por ir al mundo real, salir del palacio y comprender cómo realmente vive su pueblo. Yo creo que Nikolai realmente se preocupa por Ravka y tiene planes para desaparecer las desigualdades sociales tan marcadas que existen allí, vamos a ignorar el hecho de que está construyendo El Colibrí 2.0 para huir si es que las cosas se descontrolan porque eso es puro instinto de supervivencia y todos lo tienen. Todos menos Mal aparentemente porque cuando el Rey le pidió que se defendiera... no lo hizo...??????????????????????? No entiendo a Mal, nadie entiende a Mal, es insufrible.

Ahora, que alguien me explique por qué Nikolai amenazando a Mal de muerte fue lo más sexy del mundo xd. Ah y le tomó un tobillo a Alina... no diré más de esa escena, casi me ahogué. Además es como super tierno y no nació siendo rudo y temerario ni nada, cuando contó lo que pasó luego de su enfrentamiento con ese fjerdano me dio demasiada ternura y pena a la vez... ¿consternación? No lo sé, Nikolai chiquito asustado sin saber lo que hace fue demasiado. Por algo supongo que dicen que si no sabes qué hacer solo finjas que sabes lo que haces hasta que poco a poco dejes de fingir. Es genial cómo aprovecha la popularidad de Santa de Alina que creó el Apparat para desarrollar un tipo de "campaña política" diría presidencial, pero esto es una monarquía... generar cierto apego y admiración hacia el dúo de "El príncipe Nikolai y Santa Alina".

Ayudándome a unir el Primer y Segundo Ejército. Convirtiéndote en mi reina (...) Sería un matrimonio únicamente de nombre. Salvo en el asunto de producir herederos.

-Nikolai Lantsov

Siempre parecía saber lo que la gente quería de él, cuándo ser el chico que se ríe, el príncipe azul, el soldado agotado.

-Alina, acerca de Nikolai

Me gustaría leer alguna perspectiva de alguien del pueblo para saber cómo conciben a Santa Alina, aunque creo que cuando llegue a Six of Crows, Nina es muy devota de Santa Alina, es re gracioso ver en retrospectiva que Alina no tenía idea de lo que estaba haciendo y solo le seguía la corriente a Nikolai.

La gente lloraba, las madres me llevaban a sus hijos para que los besara, y los ancianos se inclinaban ante mí, con las mejillas húmedas por las lágrimas. Me sentía como un completo fraude.

(...)

A veces era Sankta Alina; otras, Alina, la justa, o la Radiante, o la Misericordiosa. Hija de Keramzin, gritaban, Hija de Ravka. Hija de la Sombra. Rebe Dva Stolba, me llamaban, Hija de los Dos Molinos, por el valle que daba hogar al asentamiento donde había nacido.

-Alina Starkov

En general creo que Nikolai es uno de los mejores personajes que hay hasta ahorita, tiene muchas máscaras que redescubrir y siento que su perspectiva de las cosas sería muy interesante de explorar, necesito leer un libro solo de él *se acuerda que existe uno en realidad*, necesito leer King of Scars.

Ahora Alina... adoro a Alina aún más. Sé que está siempre lo de "Alina toma las peores decisiones" pero: o yo no me estoy dando cuenta de ello, o simplemente se le está juzgando bajo qué lupa por dios, Alina tiene 17, yo tengo 17 y no tengo ni idea de lo que estoy haciendo con mi vida, imagínate a Alina, no no no, Alina es uno de mis personajes favoritos en general, si bien es cierto, como ya dije, que si The Darkling me hubiera propuesto lo que planeaba, yo hubiera aceptado, Alina no lo aceptó, justamente por cuán noble es. Ahora sobre eso, hay algo muy extraño sucediendo y estoy segura que mi teoría está mal, pero se siente como si estuviera siendo invadida de a pocos... ¿por la oscuridad? ¿Por la herida que le dejaron los nichevo'ya? ¿Por el vínculo que existe entre ambos por el collar? No lo sé, lo que sí sé es que esa escena de The Darkling apareciéndosele en su habitación ["Mi Alina"]... Leigh... qué diablos, en serio, estoy molesta, muy molesta (o sea gracias) (bueno no, lowkey sí, pero no). Cómo se supone que lo debo odiar. Lleva bastante sin aparecer y lo estoy extrañando un poco.

Me gusta mucho la amistad que se está formando entre Nikolai y Alina y la nueva determinación que tiene, a pesar de los comentarios constantes de Mal. Cuando todas las órdenes se están saliendo de control y ella no sabe qué hacer y planea cortar a Sergei por la mitad [Porque sí, Sergei, Nadia, Marie, QUEEN ZOYA y Fedyor han vuelto] dije "Oh por dios chica qué vas a hacer" y * also flashbacks de cuando The Darkling cortó por la mitad al fjerdano * y desvió el rayo y lo mandó al techo, fue tan genial, adoro a Alina y ahora todos le están haciendo caso, pero lo que sí es épico es cuando determina que ya no se sentarán a comer divididos por clases sino todos juntos, ya sé que todos están incómodos, pero es un avance y estoy re emocionada es como lo que llevo esperando desde que inició S&B.

No me importa si pensáis que soy una Santa, una idiota, o la puta del Oscuro. Si queréis seguir en el Pequeño Palacio, me seguiréis, y si no os gusta, os marcharéis antes de esta noche u os encadenaré. Soy la Invocadora del Sol y soy la única oportunidad que tenéis.

-Alina Starkov

Vasily le propuso matrimonio a Alina. No lo conozco, tipo de seguro también es guapísimo como Nikolai (aunque Nikolai no tiene la misma sangre pura), pero idk me da cierto confort saber que Alina tiene opciones, por más de que sé que nunca escogería a nadie más que a Mal, pero por lo menos tiene opciones...

Zoya apoyando a Alina es mi vida entera. Necesito que esas dos se arreglen y se hagan amigas ya.

Hablo por los Etherealki. Y seguiremos a la Invocadora del Sol.

-Zoya Nazyalensky

Y hay una chica llamada Peja que es Materialki-Alkemi y un chico llamado Pavel que es Etherealki-Inferni [uuu un inferni], ambos me caen muy bien y son tratables, aunque Pavel al inicio no tanto, pero ahora me cae muy bien. Ahora... mi cerebro aún no puede reproducir cómo The Darkling le quitó los ojos a Baghra, es que no entiendo exactamente cómo se los quitó... tipo ¿los desintegró o algo así? De todos modos es un buen castigo... las madres deberían apoyar a sus hijos aún cuando estos quieren conquistar el mundo... (Ok no)

Bueno, estoy contenta y expectante por cuando capturen al Pájaro de Fuego... digo lo van a capturar como sea, si Mal es útil para algo es para rastrear [y con eso me refiero a que eso es lo único para lo que es útil].

Adjunto archivos de verificación.

me simping over Zoya, again 😗

[thefulcrumfiles]

Supernatural: 4.16 On The Head Of a Pin

Wow. On The Head Of a Pin es sin duda uno de mis favoritos de toda la serie y uno que me ha causado el más grande dolor, que no había tenido en mucho tiempo debido a una serie. Me ha dejado sin qué decir por un tiempo y es por las revelaciones que hace. Algunas cosas fueron solo confirmadas, mientras que otras hicieron que ya no pudiera seguir, además de que este episodio lo vi con mi hermana, que siempre le hace que sea mas divertido ver la serie, pero también le agrega más sentimentalismo (al menos para mí) al saber que otra persona está mirando algo que yo aprecio mucho, y tal vez por eso el impacto de este capítulo fue aún más intenso.

No me siento con las ganas de avanzar con los siguientes capítulos, y me atrevo que aquí la historia está en su máximo punto, solo necesita otro empujoncito; y el impacto que tiene es necesario repasarlo porque realmente cambia mucho la perspectiva de todos los personajes.

Comencemos con Castiel. El ángel es hasta ahora una gran curiosidad para mí, y me están encantando las direcciones que está tomando esto. Como ya había supuesto, a Castiel realmente le movió el conocer a Dean y luego ver cómo Anna, su hermana, era capaz de ser libre para ella misma. Los otros ángeles ya sospechaban sobre las lealtades, o al menos para donde iban los pensamientos de Cas. A mi parecer, la escena en donde Anna enfrenta a Castiel, y él le dice que jamás serán iguales, es realmente un acto en donde se niega a sí mismo, y Anna puede verlo. Lo que también ve es que por una vez, el ángel debe tomar las riendas de su destino por él mismo, y seguir lo que siente. Así pues, cuando Cas la llama desesperadamente por ayuda, ella no puede hacer otra cosa más que ofrecerle lo que ella tuvo cuando cayó: hacer su siguiente movimiento, solo. Me gustó muchísimo esta dinámica porque ambos comienzan a formar un vínculo, sino es que ya tienen al menos afecto por el otro. Y ambos me encantan, no puedo esperar para ver más sobre este dúo, que me atrevo a decir puede llegar a tener tanta fuerza como el de los hermanos Winchester.

Ahora, Dean Winchester. Hasta ahora, creo que no podría decir cuál de los dos hermanos es mi favorito. Y es porque ambos tienen cada cosa que me hace no dejar de pensar en ellos, pero seré sincera cuando digo que Dean es quien más me gusta analizar. Es quien siempre tiene sus problemas expuestos, por lo que escribir sobre él me hace muy feliz, y sobre todo el verlo de muchas perspectivas. Es un hecho que Dean puede abrirse a sí mismo mucho más fácil que antes, estuvo ahí cuando Anna le contó sobre su decisión de caer, y no dudó ni un segundo en contarle la verdad de sí mismo a Cas.

De alguna manera, Dean parece ver más allá que la máscara de Castiel, quien es evidente la duda y la indecisión en sus propias acciones y Dean no hace más que hablar con la verdad, y por una vez confiar en Castiel. Todos los momentos en los que hablan están llenos de un aura de intimidad, casi como si los espectadores fuéramos los entrometidos aquí. La mirada de ambos personajes siempre refleja algo para el otro, y aún cuando no se conocen del todo.

El final del episodio fue donde creo yo está la carga emocional más grande. Cas justo había tenido su plática con Anna y ahora estaba de regreso con la única persona que parecía confiar en él, o ver a través de él: Dean. Aunque sabe que éste puede odiarlo, y tiene el derecho de odiarlo, es lo único que le queda a él; Dean es su única esperanza.

Y entonces Dean le pregunta si era verdad, sobre el primer sello abierto siendo responsabilidad suya; en esta parte, toda la desesperación que inunda a Dean va acompañado con vergüenza y gran autodesprecio a sí mismo, porque el demonio le dijo que su padre había sido fuerte, pero él no.

Si hay una cosa que más le duela a Dean, además de perder y decepcionar a su familia, es el de que lo comparen y se sienta muy por lo bajo de los estándares de los otros. Y más aún cuando lo llaman débil; Dean odia que otras personas vean lo sentimental y vulnerable que puede ser, él solo quiere ser fuerte. La verdad que más me dolió fue cuando él se sintió avergonzado por no ser el hijo que su padre quería que fuera. Odio siempre todo lo que tenga que ver con John y su crianza, lo odio por todo el peso que él puso en sus hijos, y si bien los preparó para aquella batalla, tal vez fue quien los arrastró a ella primero.

Simplemente ver ese autodesprecio hacia sí mismo duele porque yo lo he sentido también y verlo reflejado en el rostro de una de las personas más valientes es realmente triste. El rostro de un héroe asaltado por las lágrimas. No puedo decir si me alivia el saber que Dean es lo suficientemente valiente para dejar salir ese sentimiento en frente de alguien que apenas conoce; pero estoy segura que fue difícil para él verse forzado a escuchar su propio papel en toda esa batalla y más cuando se encontraba en su momento más vulnerable.

Supernatural está haciendo un gran trabajo (siempre lo ha hecho, creo yo) en hacer que la audiencia se intrigue cada vez más por el papel que Sam y Dean han tomado en todo esto. Porque han cambiado mucho, están muy lejos de ser las personas que fueron en la primera temporada; y no creo estar lista ni yo, ni mi mente, cuando todo se vuelva más intenso; o más doloroso. Y hasta ahora, no me he atrevido a escribir acerca del gran cambio que Sam ha tenido.

El hermano menor de los Winchester es alguien que representa muchísimo para mí; ambos tenemos el mismo tipo de personalidad (INFJ), siempre sentí que había algo en él que hacía que me sintiera mejor; Sam comenzó a ser mi mayor comfort character; de alguna manera sentí por fin que conectaba con un personaje que fuera como yo, considerándolo a él una manera de escape, que no estaba sola. Y si bien sigue siendo uno de los personajes que más amo y admiro, el cambio drástico que ha sufrido a lo largo de las cuatro temporadas realmente me hizo mucho pensar y eso es algo que no quiero hacer mucho en referencia a él; a veces me gusta más cuando los personajes no reciben tantas dimensiones como Sam, porque me es complicado leerlo y se ha vuelto casi impredecible el cómo es en realidad. Porque en un capítulo como After School Special puede recordarme qué fue lo que me hizo identificarme profundamente con él, a estar demasiado confundida sobre los sentimientos y pensamientos de Sam como en este capítulo en donde, si bien entiendo o intento entender cada una de sus acciones, no hacen más que molestarme; supongo que es por el hecho de que ya hay mucho por considerar. Él tomando de la sangre de Ruby ha de ser de las peores cosas que he visto, pero no puedo negar que la fuerza en sus poderes puede ayudarlos en la guerra que ahora se enfrentan. Y más que nada me molestan porque él está realmente cambiando. No puedo decir mucho, solo que Sam siempre va a ser uno de los personajes más complicados y así será, y lo amaré como sea.

[reci-tare]

Estimada chica del D. C, ¿Qué puedo decirte? Este país está cada vez más hundido y siento dolor de patria, cuando vives todo tan de cerca es imposible hacerlo pasar desapercibido. Cierres de vías, inconvenientes de orden público, protestas, vandalismo, muertes, robos, quemas. Esa escena de humo grisiento suscitando hacia arriba sobre la brisa, la multitud escapando de nuestra misma fuerza pública, que no nos cuida sino que nos vigila.

Vine aquí a desahogarme contigo je je. Cambiando de tema. ¿Cómo vas con mi búsqueda?, ¿O ya lo intentaste demasiado y mejor pensaste en desistir? Tal vez pueda darte alguna pista. Bueno, antes te dije que lo que habías recitado para mí tenía más de 15 notas, ahora te digo que tiene más de 35 jajsja, yyy menos de 5 comentarios. ¿Eso es una buena pista, no crees?

Tu voz es tan diferente...sentí que me transportaste a otro lugar, o a tu mente misma interpretando los escritos, no me imagino como sonaría mi nombre dicho por ti. Tengo unas ganas de conocerte increíbles, sin embargo, esto del anonimato se me hace interesante, así puedes saber quien soy sin saber quien soy. ¿Tú que dices, chica del D.C?

Tenemos algo pendiente,¿Lo recuerdas? Ese será mi próximo ask.

Cuidate mucho, por favor. Come verduras :3 acuéstate temprano, lee, y piensa en mi jabdj

Saludos.

Querido chico del café con azúcar, puedes decirme que estás bien. que tienes esperanza. que dentro del caos sabes que hay buenas noticias. porque caos no es lo mismo que destrucción. el caos es desordenar el orden, en busca de uno mejor. (linda rima, eh? Ksndksns)

y aunque es muy buena pista, las opciones que había elegido las últimas veces quedan completamente descartadas. he intentado buscarte (con ésta última información) ya un par de veces, pero sigo sin encontrarte:( tendrás que darme más tiempo chico de café con azúcar, porque me encuentro en blanco.

el anonimato siempre me ha parecido una condición fascinante; existes pero no tienes nombre, ni cara (soy una excepción peculiar porque conoces mi voz). eres lo que dices, tu realidad se moldea a tus palabras. y si eso no es algún tipo de magia entonces no sé qué lo sea.

te diré que tuve unas semanas de mucho estrés en las que la cagué de muchas maneras, pero al final sobreviví y aquí estoy. amo las verduras, leí una historia diaria y claramente pensé en ti. espero estés bien y sigas endulzando tu café

¡Cuídate!

[cinematicheroes]

Reflexionando Control Z.

Los mexicanos estamos tan acostumbrados a ver TV basura, que cuando vemos algo bueno delante de nuestros ojos, no lo podemos reconocer. 

Y así empiezo esta entrada, porque más que una reseña de Control Z, en este escrito quiero explorar un poco más el porqué decimos que lo mexicano es basura, o es malo, o todo lo queremos comparar con La Rosa De Guadalupe solo porque sí. En especial en el entretenimiento del sector ‘juvenil’.

Control Z no es mi tipo de serie, y estoy muy segura de que si la serie fuera gringa no la hubiera visto. Y también estoy segura que en mucha gente funciona completamente al revés. Patricio Gallardo subió a sus Instagram Stories una historia donde acaba de terminar de verla, y después de muchísimos warnings acerca de lo que estaba a punto de decir, con mucho miedo dijo, “creo que nunca se había hecho algo así en México”. Lo dijo con miedo porque la sociedad mexicana, ya sea cinéfilos mamadores, o gente que en su vida se ha puesto realmente a ver una película/serie, se te va a echar encima.  Pues yo se los digo sin miedo, nunca se había hecho algo así en México. 

Te explico porque. 

Cuando un director o un productor tiene un guión, ya sea terminado o no, incluso a veces cuando ni siquiera tienen listo el guión, si no un tratamiento de uno, en proyectos audiovisuales profesionales, existe una (o muchas revisiones) para moldear a los personajes, para poder trabajar con lo que se tiene, es decir, si escribiste un personaje que es tímido, pero el actor no lo es, y no le sale naturalmente ser tímido, —esto no choca con la idea de que sea mal o buen actor— puede que el director o productor moldeen el personaje a la manera de ser del actor. Esto, para poder captar en cámara algo más genuino.

No sé exactamente cuánto llevaba en desarrollo esta serie, yo personalmente no me había enterado hasta casi una semana antes de que saliera, pero solo hace falta indagar un poco en Instagram para darse cuenta de que, el proyecto ya existía, desde antes de… ¿lo normal? ¿Qué es ‘lo normal’ para nosotros los pobres mexicanos? Ah sí, que un productor les dé a los actores el guión para que se lo aprendan y lo reciten delante de una cámara en un trípie, una semana antes, el guión siendo, un recopilado de los nuevos peligros que están de moda entre los pubertos y jóvenes adultos, en la distópica Ciudad de México.

Lamentablemente ese es nuestro primer punto de comparación. (Según muchos de ustedes, pues)

Hablemos un poco del contexto de la serie. 

Netflix acaba de sacar su nosécual temporada de 13 Reasons Why, y la gente la odia, pero estoy segura de que ha recibido menos críticas malas que Control Z, y que la principal queja de los jóvenes gringos hacia la serie es que no es suficientemente inclusiva. Y los mexicanos hacemos lo mismo por copiarles, sin entender realmente porque es que lo hacen. El contexto en 13 Reasons Why, —solo vi la primera temporada— no es uno muy difícil de pensar. El formato social y “cultural” de una preparatoria estadounidense existe desde principios de los años 80’s en el cine. Y lo más importante de todo, es que ES real, y funciona. (para ellos). 

Nosotros no tenemos eso, nuestro cine o entretenimiento audiovisual nunca buscó darnos un contexto social propio. Al menos no uno real —ejem, Rebelde, ejem— Y más allá de los pasillos claustrofóbicos y los casilleros, es la estructura y círculos sociales que usualmente, o comúnmente vemos en las preparatorias mexicanas. (Las muy conocidas categorías narradas por Janis Jian en Mean Girls, en México no funcionan, no así, y si existen es un ‘intendo de’ y eso también puede ser divertido).

Y un ejemplo MUY grande de la falta de contexto escolar en nuestro entretenimiento mexicano, es la versión mexicana de High School Musical. Ni siquiera necesitas ver la película para entender a qué me refiero, puedes buscar algún número musical y entenderás. Y por mucho tiempo la gente pensó que el problema era que usaran reguetón en las canciones o que la actuación era muy cheesy, por dios ¿No vieron High School Musical? —no me odien, yo AMO High School Musical, pero la actuación justamente está pensada de esa manera, y funciona, es una película musical para adolescentes, ¿Sí?— El problema principal con High School Musical: El Desafío, es que los productores jamás se detuvieron, se sentaron, y pensaron en darnos una identidad. Un contexto en el que realmente una historia preparatoriana sucediera en un México, con números musicales incluidos. No, no se esforzaron, incluso juegan fútbol en una cancha de basquetbol (?!?!?!). No en una cancha abierta como usualmente es en las escuela mexicanas grandotas. De hecho, uno de los mayores problemas con el formato, es ese. Las escuelas en Estados Unidos, tienen la arquitectura que tienen por una razón, y aunque de niños queríamos con todas nuestras fuerzas que nuestra escuelita fuera un pasillo cerrado con casilleros y caminar a tu clase en lugar de tener un salón determinado y que el maestro fuera el que va al salón, no es así, y personalmente, la arquitectura de las escuelas mexicanas es muchísimo más preciosa que la de las preparatorias allá. —Obviamente aquí habrá gente que pensará, de que chingados está hablando, porque existen muchas escuelas hermosas en Estados Unidos, bla bla bla, pero quiero aclarar que me refiero a la común escuela pública que existe a nivel preparatorio, porque todas son iguales— Ahora, la arquitectura cerrada tiene una razón, y es el clima. En México por otro lado, las escuelas son abiertas, de que, incluso cuando vas al baño tienes que pasar a ladito de un jardín. (O un baldío, depende de la suerte de cada quien) Y eso es hermoso. 

En Control Z, los productores SÍ se sentaron, y SÍ pensaron en dar una identidad escolar. Y aunque sí están presentes los casilleros y los pasillos, conforme avanzas con los personajes para entender su naturaleza, te das cuenta de que por fin, hay una dinámica con el lugar, hay un vínculo personaje-escuela; No es algo pretendido, no es algo que “sí le echas imaginación, ahí estará” no, SÍ está.

Ahora, necesito sacarme esto del pecho porque odio que sea una constante crítica en absolutamente todo. 

La serie es muy “whitey” y no es “inclusiva”. Es, yo creo, la frase más repetitiva que ha habido respecto a Control Z. Hace rato vi un tweet que decía justo lo mismo “No, sí está padre, solo que está whitewasheada” y la inteligente persona respondió “Sí, pero siento que el whitewash es el punto de la serie ¿no?” 

Y bueno, bravo. 

La serie explora la naturaleza de un montón de niñillos ricos, privilegiados, con problemas de identidad y de crisis existenciales, porque sí, “les da tiempo para eso”. Y ESO incluso lo vuelve más redundante, porque más de una vez hemos escuchado a alguien quejándose de la vida, haciendo el warning de “pero bueno, problemas de primer mundo” cuando siempre está el justiciero que responde, “todos nos sentimos así de vez en cuando, y la salud mental, y vayan terapia” y después sale alguien “ir a terapia es un privilegio” y un laaaaaaaaaaaaaargo etcétera. 

No que no tengan razón. Pero justo eso.

Quisieron hacer una historia, buena, con esta clase de mexicano, y ya. 

Curiosamente las personas que se quejan de la falta de inclusividad, no todas claro, pero al menos con los que me he topado yo, no han mencionado ni siquiera una sola cosa acerca de la nueva película “Ya No Estoy Aquí”, y apuesto a que tampoco se toman el tiempo de ver más cine mexicano. Tampoco los culpo tanto, la distribución, sobre todo en México, está enferma. Es un círculo vicioso de: No vemos películas buenas porque no las ponen en cartelera, y no las ponen en cartelera porque cuando lo hacen, no las vemos. 

El mexicano se queja de la basura, siendo basura lo único que sabe consumir. 

Una cosa que tampoco están tomando en cuenta, es que seguramente el mayor porcentaje de gente que está todavía llena de prejuicios a la comunidad LGBT y es incluso racista, son las que están en Netflix. Como diría: No todos los mexicanos que tienen Netflix son whities privilegiados racistas, pero todos los whites privilegiados racistas, tienen Netflix.

Y el hecho de que hayan puesto a una protagonista trans, BIEN ESCRITA, y con razón de ser, desafía a esta clase de gente, esta clase de gente de la que tanto nos quejamos, que cuando salió Roma, y la parodia de Jesucristo gay dijeron “voy a cancelar mi suscripción de Netflix”.

Control Z está pensado para justo ESE público que no le daría click si los personajes fueran morenos, para que se reflejen en estos personajes que sí, son una mierda, pero están bien escritos. Y para el resto, siempre es una verdadera lástima cuando gente de otros países sabe apreciar más un proyecto así, que para las personas a las que buscan darles una buena serie para pasar el rato.

Antes de terminar, una de las escenas, —aparte del final, y de las escenas del bullying, que están increíblemente bien actuadas, y sobre todo, dirigidas— que más me gustó y donde más se notaron las ganas que le echaron a esta serie, es donde la protagonista está sola leyendo en una mesa, y el grupito de personajes está detrás de ella, ahí, cotorreando. (Jamás había visto un cotorreo tan real, y tan bien actuado, todo lo que están diciendo a pesar de que está de fondo, — porque estamos concentrados en justo el único personaje que está harto de estar rodeado de gente así — , tiene una coherencia y un ritmo increíble, y siempre quise ver algo así, sentí que estaba ahí, sientes que estás realmente a lado de un grupito de fresas ninis tirando mierda) Uno se acerca a molestarla y le dice “¿QUÉ LEES?” con esta hiperactividad y valemadrísmo que absolutamente todos los mexicanos hemos visto en otro mexicano, sobre todo en la escuela, y la protagonista no le contesta, y él finaliza con algo como “Ay por eso nadie te junta”.

Bellísimo.

Esta serie no pretende ser más de lo que es, y estoy segura de que si fuera una serie gringa no tendría ni la mitad del encanto que tiene, porque sí, la mayoría de este recae en el contexto, en el lenguaje coloquial, y en las distintas situaciones. La serie parece estar consciente de las posibles críticas, y las anticipó bastante bien. 

Este texto definitivamente no es para las personas que genuinamente no les gustó, porque también es muy válido, —ojo que también decir que no te gustó, a que sea mala es bastante diferente— Es más bien para la gente conflictuada que no sabe a quién hacerle caso. Porque sí llegué a leer críticas que, de verdad parecen más el vómito de la crítica de otro. Mi consejo es este: VELA, y quita todos estos mindset contaminantes y utiliza tu propio criterio para decidir porque te gustó o porque no, y entiende el porqué de ambas, pero que sea TU opinión, TUYA.

O si no, vela, cambiale el idioma a inglés, y finge que es gringa pa’ estés a gusto, pues.

[you-moveme-kurt]

Glee «The jealousy pang» Part II

Noviembre de 2014

-Pero esto no es un deporte… es mas una disciplina y un estado mental… —respondió Cooper juntando sus manos como si fuera a decir una plegaria— ven que te enseño… —dijo tomándolo de la mano -¡NO!…—exclamó zafándose con brusquedad y mas fuerte de lo que hubiera querido, Cooper dio respingo y sonrió de manera maravillosa, no tanto como Blaine pero si con el inconfundible y atractivo sello «Anderson»—  es decir… no…  gracias, pero… ¿sabes que estás en ropa interior?, ¿verdad? -Si… —respondió alzando una ceja engreído. -Bueno, yo también… sigue en lo tuyo… yo iré a… permiso… —dijo retirándose mientras señalaba hacia adelante, hacia  atrás para luego mover sus manos como si enrollara algo. -¡Pero cuñadito!... —replicó Cooper asomándose hacia la sala, los Señores Anderson dieron un respingo como si pidieran en sueños que los dejaran dormir. -Muy bien Kurt… borra esa imagen de tu cabeza… ahora volverás a la cama con tu guapo y sexy espeso… —dijo dándose unos golpes en la cara como si se reprendiera a sí mismo por algo malo, tomó aire y entró en la habitación asumiendo que Blaine seguía como lo había dejado, durmiendo abrazado a su almohada— ¡oye!… —exclamó al verlo sentado en la cama mirando hacia la pared— ¿por que te vestiste? —pregunto al verlo con la sudadera y la capucha puesta— te dije que volvía enseguida… —agregó acercándose— no imaginaras en que están todos nuestros invitados… —dijo subiéndose  a la cama en el mismo instante que Blaine se levantaba y se quedaba mirándolo con las manos en los bolsillos— Ok, eso fue raro… ¿qué pasó?, ¿estás bien?

-No lo se… dime tu… —respondió cruzando los brazos. -¿Que? -Lo supuse… —agregó caminando hacia la puerta. -¿Que?... ¡Blaine!... ¿que demonios te pasó?... ¿te llamó alguien?, ¿supiste algo de la universidad?.. -Iré a comprar para el desayuno… —contesto tomando su billetera y demás cosas. -¡Un momento!… —exclamo levantándose, hizo el gesto de alto con una de sus manos y se acercó a él— bien sabes que de todas las cosas que odio en el mundo, el que supongas que se cosas  cuando en realidad no las se… es bien enervante… así es que mejor me dices lo que esta pasando en vez de ponerte todo… —agregó haciendo el gesto de locura extrema con sus manos. -Pues perdón por eso… tal vez mi estado mental no es tan «namaste» como el de tu cuñado… permiso… —añadió haciendo ademán de abrir la puerta . -¿Que?... un momento… ¿me viste? -Por supuesto que te vi, no vivimos en un departamento de tres plantas en Upper East Side Kurt… -Blaine, nada paso… solo.. -No quiero hablar de esto, ¿de acuerdo? -Pero yo sí, porque aunque no debería, me gustaría explicarte.. -¿«No debería»?... —repitió Blaine exagerando el gesto de comillas con sus dedos. -Exactamente, no debería… eso alimentaria esa paranoia que te viene a veces y que es bastante insoportable e injusta para mi… —dijo Kurt haciéndose el ofendido. -¿Sabes que?... mejor me voy a la calle a comprar desayuno suficiente para siete personas, 9 en realidad, porque Cooper come como por tres, es especial si es gratis… permiso —terminó por decir saliendo de mala gana y con malos modos. -Con un demonio… —murmuró Kurt blanqueando los ojos con fastidio.

-¡Anderson!... —exclamó Burt al encontrarse frente a frente con su yerno, cuando salía del baño — ¿vas  a trotar? —preguntó señalándole el atuendo. -¿Que?... no… es decir… no… ¿tú? -¿Que?... —contestó su suegro soltando una risa. -No… es decir…  disculpa… ¿cómo durmieron? —pregunto de vuelta cambiando de tema como para salir del paso. -Bien, con Carole dormimos bien donde sea, aunque debo decirte Anderson que ese colchón es bastante duro… —agregó tomándose la espalda con las dos manos como si quisiera aliviar un dolor permanente y agudo. -Lo sabemos, es una treta que tenemos con Kurt para evitar que Rachel se quede aquí tan seguido.. -Claro… ¿no vas a trotar entonces?... -No… pero si voy a  la calle a comprar… -¿Para el desayuno? -Exacto.. -Te acompaño… —dijo Burt acomodándose la gorra. -No, no es necesario… -Claro que lo es, vinimos sin avisar y nos comimos todo, es solo lo justo,  le dire al «Big Anderson»… -No… Burt…  de verdad... -¡Que si!...  —insistió el Papá de Kurt dándole un par de golpes en la espalda, su yerno  se quejo para su adentros y se quedó en el sitio observando a su suegro— ¡«Big Anderson»! —exclamó causando que los padres de Blaine despertaran de un salto. -¿¡QUE!?  —respondió incorporándose medio dormido, Pam dio un grito y se levantó con todo el cabello en la cara. -¿Estabas durmiendo? —preguntó su consuegro acercándose al sofá. -¿Quien?... no… ¿que?... —contestó tratando de despertar. -Claro que estás durmiendo… hola Pam… —agregó Burt entre risas. -Hola… ¿que?... ¿que hora es?... —preguntó sintiendo que ya era el mediodía. -Temprano… oye,  me robare  a tu marido un instante… —dijo haciéndole unas señas al Señor Anderson para que se levantara, este bostezo un par de veces y acabó por abandonar el sofá  como en cámara lenta. -¿Que….?, ¿que vamos  hacer?... —quiso saber el Señor Anderson volviendo a lo de los bostezos. -Vamos a comprar con tu hijo… después de todo ayer nos comimos todo. -Claro… claro… —respondió como sonámbulo. -¿A dónde van?... ¿puedo ir?... —preguntó Cooper entrando desde el balcón. -¡Oye!... no estás un poco desvestido… —advirtió Burt estirando su mano como para tapar la desnudez del cuñado de su hijo, Blaine negó con la cabeza a pasar que estaba unos cuantos metros lejos de todos y nadie podía haber advertido su molestia. -¿Que esta pasando?... —quiso saber Kurt saliendo de la habitación. -Una escena genial, veras… es decir… tu Papá se ofreció a acompañarme a comprar lo del desayuno, despertó a mi Papá y todo… —respondió Blaine amable al principio, pero cambiando el tono y la forma  de su voz después al recordar que aún seguía enfadado con su esposo. -Genial, eso quiere decir que se encargará de todo… ven… —agrego jalando hacia adentro, Blaine alcanzó a decir el nombre de su esposo un par de veces antes que este cerrara la puerta con llave y se quedara allí evitando cualquier escapada. -Tu Papá me esta esperando.. -Sabes que no… cuando se ofrece a ayudar en algo lo termina haciendo todo él… -Kurt… -¿Sabes cuánto tiempo tengo este sweater?... —preguntó mirándose las mangas. -¿Que? -Eso… ¿sabes cuanto tiempo tengo?... —repitió arropándose con el. -No lo se… conociéndote… ¿un año?… -Error… lo tengo hace diez… -¿Cómo? -Lo que oyes… y ni siquiera lo compre, solo lo encontré un día en el taller de mi papá y me lo quede, al parecer se le olvido a un cliente que nunca volvió por el, pero desde entonces que se ha convertido en mi sweater favorito… es bonito, me abriga y no importa si tengo 30 sweaters de diseño, este es el único que me hace sentir cómodo… -¿Me estás comparando con un sweater? -No con un sweater, como mi sweater favorito… —corrigió Kurt acercándose a él, Blaine  arrugo el entrecejo y lo miró de medio lado como si no terminara de entender si aquella analogía era un halago, una ofensa o que— escucha, el asunto es que no importa la pieza de ropa que me pongan delante, por muy engreída que sea siempre terminare por quedarme con mi sweater, así como siempre me quedaré contigo… porque por muchos hombres guapos que se pongan enfrente de mí, ninguno nunca, nunca será como tú… aunque tenga tu misma sangre como este caso...  —Blaine esbozó una sonrisa y le acarició el cabello de frente— te elegí para compartir mi vida y eso es lo que haré —su esposo volvió a sonreír más maravillosamente que antes— y se que dije que no debía darte explicaciones pero la verdad es que si debo y mucho, no solo porque quiero, sino porque las mereces, lo que hice estuvo mal y no debí hacerlo y lo siento, pero salí en busca de padres escurridizos y me encontré con mi cuñado elongando en ropa interior, me distraje si, pero nada más… -¿Seguro? -Mucho… además el cuerpo tuyo es mil veces mejor… —dijo arrimándose a él. -Se que solo lo dices para que me sienta mejor… pero gracias.... -Lo digo porque es verdad… —agregó sonriendo. -Te amo Kurt… -Lo se… -Y siento también haber sido tan paranoico… pero odio esta punada de celos que me da justo aqui... —Blaine tomo la mano de su esposo y la puso en su corazón. -Esta bien… -Se que crees que no, pero gracias por decir lo contrario… —agrego Blaine dándole un beso, le suspiro en la boca y se apartó un segundo— ¿de verdad crees que Burt se encargará de todo? -¡Obvio que si!, siempre hace lo mismo… cosa que yo hago también… —dijo Kurt tomándose un tiempo para pensar en aquello— creí que lo había heredado de mi mamá… en fin… —agregó encogiéndose de hombros divertido. -¿Aprovechamos el tiempo entonces? -Depende… —respondió Kurt haciendo ademanes coquetos -¿De que?... -De cual sea su plan para aprovechar este tiempo Señor Anderson-Hummel… -Ah, bueno… pensaba en que gastamos demasiado ayer… servicios, comida, calefacción… —respondió dándole besos en el cuello, la cara y los labios entre palabra y palabra— entonces… creo que es pertinente que nos pongamos al día ahorrando agua al menos...  —dijo moviendo sus cejas. -¿Estás hablando de meternos los dos en esa cabina de ducha mínima que tenemos? -¿Hay algún problema? -¡Obvio que no!... —exclamó tomándolo de la mano— seamos desvergonzados y gastemos toda el agua de la caldera… —agregó mientras tomaba la iniciativa y lo conducía al baño.

[rainbow1701]

En estos momentos tengo tantos sentimientos encontrados que me encantaría que supieras. Yo era de esas mujeres que tenía una enorme sonrisa durante el día, pero en la noche cuando todos estaban durmiendo, lloraba... porque no quería que nadie la escuchara. Era de esas mujeres que cuando aprendía amar, se aferraba a ese amor, la que era paciente y aguantaba todo por la persona que amaba, porque esa persona era su felicidad, porque mientras esa persona jugaba y se burlaba, ella lloraba y la seguía buscando. Soy de esas mujeres que se muestra fuerte, pero en el fondo soy sensible, me afecta todo lo que me dicen, intentó subirle el autoestima a los demás, cuando el mio esta por el suelo, intento estar con las personas que amo para ayudarlas y subirles el ánimo. Hubo noches en las que no dejaba de llorar, y solo mis peluches saben lo mal que la llegaba a pasar, perdí amigos en tiempos difíciles y en esos momento llegaron aun mejores personas y sin duda tu llegaste en el momento perfecto. No me gustaría decir que hubiera sido mejor que me conocieras desde antes porque realmente, no era yo, era una chica que estaba harta de todo lo que la vida le había puesto en su camino. La mayor parte del tiempo estoy pensando cómo va a ser mi vida en el futuro, pensando en como no lastimar a la gente que mas amo. La vida y el tiempo son los mejores maestros, la vida nos enseña a aprovechar el tiempo y el tiempo nos enseña a valorar la vida, pero prácticamente no todo es de color rosa, todos cometemos equivocaciones a lo largo de nuestra vida y se que de todas las decisiones que he tomado, me siento feliz de todas y mas por haber dejado que entraras en mi vida.Prácticamente quieres que sea mejor dia con dia, que sonría a pesar de que todo el mundo se quiera poner en mi contra. Encontré aquel lugar que te hace estar en calma, ese rincón del mundo que te hace estar segura.He aprendido tanto de ti y creo que tu de mi, de hecho no me importa que suene tonto, no quiero mantenerme alejada de ti, amo estar entre tus brazos, sentir tu corazon latir rapido y saber que al despertar estaras cuidandome. No puedo sacarte de mi mente y detendría el tiempo para estar siempre junto a ti. Te juro que eres la persona más dulce, bonita, tierna, fuerte y perfecta que he conocido, y no entiendo cómo es que en tu linda cabecita tienes tantas cosas negativas, cuando deberías de darte cuenta de lo mucho que vales que eres importante en la vida de todos y que su presencia es necesaria en mi dia a dia ,porque eres el único capaz de iluminar cada uno de mis días porque tu existencia es única y especial. No quiero perderte y lo digo muy enserio. no quiero tener que hablar con nadie más por las noches, no quiero que nadie más me diga cosas lindas, no quiero que nadie más me mande memes, no quiero que nadie más me haga escenas de celos, no quiero que nadie más me abrace y bese, no quiero a nadie que no seas tú … menorquetres ❤️

[yuukinoryuu]

YuuReview: Ayato Sakamaki HDB (Español)

¡ATENCIÓN SPOILERS! Hai, hai~! He decidido que me gustaría hacer una review sobre las rutas que vaya traduciendo, así que a medida que las complete subiré mi opinión sobre cada una de ellas. Aclaro que esta es mi opinión subjetiva y que no veo ningún problema en que haya gente que no esté de acuerdo siempre que se haga desde el respeto. Debo decir que Ayato es un personaje que, aunque al principio no me gustaba, al haber ido jugando sus rutas (de momento, hasta MB), me ha llamado la atención y me parece muy interesante su desarrollo.

Como ya sabemos, la historia comienza cuando Yui llega a la mansión Sakamaki, y allí conoce a los seis vampiros protagonistas de Haunted Dark Bridal. El juego no nos explica por qué Yui está ahí, ya que eso es algo que iremos descubriendo a medida que avancemos en el/los juegos. En este caso, hablaremos de Ayato Sakamaki, un vampiro arrogante y algo infantil. En nuestro primer contacto con él, en el prólogo, vemos como, al ver a una humana como Yui, automáticamente intenta beber su sangre. Recordemos que los Sakamaki son vampiros de la nobleza que ven a los humanos solamente como un plato de comida. Así es como Ayato ve a Yui, como una presa de la que tomar sangre, y no le hace caso cuando ella se niega. De vez en cuando le hace bromas pesadas para asustarla, lo que muestra esa naturaleza infantil que tiene. En una de las 'bromas pesadas' de Ayato, éste encadena a Yui a una diana y la amenaza con lanzarle un dardo en el pecho. Pero ya sabemos que Ayato es ''perro ladrador, poco mordedor'' (muy pocas veces llega a hacerle daño de verdad) y lo hace simplemente para asustarla. Quitando este punto travieso que a veces a mí me resulta adorable, podemos ver en muchas ocasiones su lado sádico de vampiro (el cual tienen también todos los demás, en mayor o menor medida), ya que dice que disfruta viendo temblar a Yui cuando se dispone a beber su sangre. Su madre Cordelia es, sin duda, una influencia muy grande (para mal) en la forma de ser de Ayato. Ella le presionaba, en su desesperación por ser reconocida por Karl Heinz, para que se convirtiera en el próximo líder de la familia. Y Ayato, siendo un niño, sufrió mucho por esa presión y rechazo de su madre, lo que desembocó mucho más tarde en que la matara. En el Dark Epilogue, Ayato sueña con su pasado, y, cuando se despierta, Yui ve que tiene mala cara. Cuando Ayato le pide sangre, Yui accede, a lo que él se sorprende e incluso le pregunta si es estúpida. En este tipo de momentos es donde podemos ver que Ayato no entiende lo que es ser amable sin esperar nada a cambio, ya que nunca tuvo el amor incondicional de un padre, sino que el hecho de que fuera considerado como hijo implicaba que fuera el mejor de entre sus hermanos. Pienso que Ayato le tiene un gran miedo al rechazo, por eso, muchas veces, se enfada por cosas que nos puede parecer que no tienen sentido. Es como si intentara evitar desde un primer lugar que Yui dijera algo que podría rechazarle, ya que lo que él más desea, es ser aceptado (él piensa que lo conseguirá mediante el poder, por eso está tan obsesionado por beber la sangre de Yui). Hay una escena muy importante en el Maniac 08, donde Ayato la 'protege' de que Kanato la muerda. Cuando Ayato comienza a estrangularla porque ha estado a punto de 'ofrecerle' su sangre a otro, Yui al principio entra en pánico, pero en la opción M decide mantener la calma y confiar en Ayato, en que realmente no quiere matarla (Yui demuestra a Ayato que confía en él con sus acciones, y no con sus palabras, y pienso que aquí ella se da cuenta de que así es como él puede empezar a confiar en ella), a lo que éste la suelta, sorprendido. Ayato es incapaz de creer en las palabras y por eso le sorprende tanto que Yui le demuestre que confía en él con sus acciones. Esto se ve también en la desconfianza que siente cuando Yui ha estado cerca de alguno de sus hermanos, y quien se lleva la bronca es ella. Ayato es incapaz de confiar en las palabras y por eso tiene que 'asegurarse' de que es suya poniéndola a prueba o bebiendo su sangre. Desde el punto de vista de alguien normal, no tendría sentido culpar a Yui porque otro vampiro la haya intentado morder, pero desde el punto de vista de Ayato (por culpa de esa incapacidad de confiar) lo ve como una traición a él, a pesar de que no es eso para nada. Pero no importa cuántas veces se encuentren nuestros labios y no importa cuántas veces se enreden nuestros cuerpos, probablemente nuestra relación nunca será de dulces amantes. Eso lo entiendo -- . La razón es que nuestra relación es la de una presa y un depredador que la necesita. (Ecstasy 09) Yui sabe que Ayato todavía es incapaz de amar a alguien incondicionalmente, sabe que él la ve como una presa, pero se ha enamorado de él. Ella intenta hacer todo lo posible por serle de ayuda, y esto es muy noble considerando como la ha tratado Ayato. Cuidado, no digo que Yui se haya enamorado de él sin motivo, sino que sabe que él tiene sus propios problemas; y ha intentado comprender su manera de ser y qué le ha causado ser así. Demuestra el gran corazón que tiene al intentar comprenderlo y ayudarlo. 

Me pregunto si el apego de Ayato-kun es sólo hacia mi sangre. … Últimamente siento que es diferente. El vínculo de Ayato-kun hacia mí. Mis sentimientos hacia Ayato-kun. (Ecstasy 10)��

Ayato se preocupa por Yui a su manera, por ejemplo, en el Maniac 09, sabiendo que Yui está anémica, se abstiene de beber su sangre. Además, pocas veces le hace daño de verdad, si no contamos el hecho de beber su sangre (lo que es obvio, porque estamos en un juego otome de vampiros xD).    A continuación, pasamos a los endings. En el Ending 01, Ayato se entera de que el corazón de Yui es el de su madre, y lucha contra Richter por Yui (nos dan a entender que es Ayato quien gana el combate). Tras eso, se casan y Ayato se convierte en el líder de la familia Sakamaki así como en el vampiro más fuerte, gracias al poder de la sangre de Yui. Además, he de destacar que tanto en este ending como en el segundo, Ayato reconoce a Yui como una persona distinta de Cordelia, a pesar de que tenga su corazón. Podemos decir que en este final ambos son felices. En el Ending 02, Ayato, gracias al poder de la sangre de Yui, mata a Richter, a todos sus hermanos y a su padre, para así convertirse en el líder y asegurarse de que Yui le presta atención sólo a él. Sin embargo, al enterarse de esto, Yui le rechaza, y Ayato la amenaza estrangulándola. Tras esto, Yui (debido al shock) entra en un estado de embotamiento afectivo, ya que no parece ser capaz de decir nada más que 'te amo', las palabras que Ayato quería oír. Cuando él oye esos 'te amo' robóticos, se le ve sorprendido, ya que se da cuenta de que Yui se ha convertido en una especie de marioneta por su culpa. Finalmente, en el Ending 03 (bastante traumático, la verdad), Ayato no reconoce a Yui como una persona distinta de su madre y acaba matándola. En el monólogo final, se ve como Yui le ruega a Dios que Ayato vuelva a ser el de antes, sacrificando su vida. Esto nos muestra el gran aprecio que sentía por Ayato. Tristemente, le fue imposible evitar que éste cayera en la locura. Una última cosa que quería destacar es que en el Heaven Epilogue, Ayato muerde a Yui por querer ir a la habitación de Shuu a devolverle un libro y Yui piensa en qué puede decirle para que deje de desconfiar de ella, ya que piensa que esa obsesión le hace daño. Yui le dice que le quiere y que no será de nadie más, a lo que Ayato la abraza con fuerza y le contesta que él no sabe como confiar en nadie. Él, en el fondo, se siente inseguro. Yui le pregunta si tiene miedo de perderla, de perder su poder, y por qué está tan empeñado en ser el mejor, ya que está a punto de decirle que no necesita serlo. Ayato no lo niega y simplemente la hace callar, lo que delata que podría ser verdad que siente ese miedo. Yui, como bien dice en el monólogo final, sabe que Ayato es incapaz de creer en sus palabras, por mucho que sea sincera, y decide transmitirlo con su cuerpo: Mis sentimientos por él. Mi amor. Todo en lo que no puede creer. Así, algún día confío en que podré convertirme en la luz que ilumina la oscuridad -- . (Heaven Epilogue)

Esto, para mí, es una pista de que nos falta mucho por saber de Ayato a partir de aquí, y de que vamos a ir descubriendo más cosas de él en los siguientes juegos, así como creo que él será capaz de, poco a poco, aprender a confiar de nuevo en los demás. ¡Espero que os haya gustado si habéis llegado hasta aquí! ¡Nos vemos~!

PD: ¿Qué os parece el dibujo? 👀

[girlofkdramas]

𝑹 𝒆 𝒗 𝒊 𝒆 𝒘; 𝑺𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒓𝒂𝒊𝒏

–El primer capítulo ha sido algo lento. Claro que nos introducen a los personajes como Jin Ah y a Yoon Hee  y esa relación cariñosa de amigos ya que ella es mayor que él y es la mejor amiga de la hermana de él. Hay una atracción evidente después de no haberse visto por tanto 

–Digo que es algo lento porque no ha sucedido nada que le meta palanca a la serie como un primer episodio. Simplemente ha sido uno casual y algo pausada. 

–Yoon Hee me encanta por cierto, amo a Jung Hae In desde que lo vi en WYWS me parece un actor precioso,  tiene una carita de bebé que nadie se le puede resistir  

–No es el mejor drama de la vida pero mejora un poco con el paso de los episodios. Me gusta la conexión de los dos eso no lo dudo también comparten momentos súper lindos. Considero que se puso entretenido finalizando el capitulo dos cuando spoiler el ex de ella aceptó la llamada de los papás y eso fue un caos en esa casa.

–El problema es que no ocurre nada y lo que ocurre es absurdo. Yo entiendo cómo es el proceso de las familias coreanas y más los padres ya viejos porque son muy tradicionales. Pero ella ya es grande y puede hacer lo que se le da la gana, tiene trabajo, tiene una vida estable, ya va a los 40 y tiene que pelarle la cara a la mamá solo por un capricho? Tiene que hacerle caso solo por el capricho de ella, mientras que él siempre está ahí pelando y apoyándola en todo.

–En general con la serie siento que falta emoción. Me encantan los actores, pero no sucede nada más allá de que la madre le impida salir a ella con él. Y aunque así fuera no ocurre algo tan TAN interesante lo cual frustra porque me toca incluso adelantar partes que aburren. Lo de los empleados me parece algo aburrido pero es un tema bueno a tratar, solo que se enfocan solo en esos dos problemas y hace que la serie queda súper estancada.

–La química entre los protagonistas es muy palpable. Me gustó muchísimo esos pequeños gestos o miradas porque significan todo. Y eso lo vi demasiado sobre todo en Joon He (Jung Hae In). Sin embargo aunque los momentos entre los dos fueron tiernos y adorables (y básicamente por ello termine la serie) vuelvo a reiterar, el resto fue un tanto insípido. La serie es muy lenta, las tomas son demasiado largas y hay escenas muy extensas y aburridas