#shower routine 2020

[tarantula-hawk-wasp]

i did finally get a denman brush bc i kind of stagnated trying to put effort into my hair bc grad school but adding making brush clumps to my routine is a lot less intimidating than adding in time for diffusing

[nitewingbabi]

↳ please respond…I showed you my cock            ⚤ ghostface x female!reader  【 18+ ONLY — Minors DNI 】 ✉ taking requests part 2 ▻ a pretty mouth

2023 was a different year for everyone. Covid was 2020's big killer, and now ghostface seemed to be claiming 2023 as his year. You were one of his taunting targets. Text messages, phone calls, notes in your locker or mail. He had even been in your room once to leave a message on your mirror.

‘I like the red ones’ which was referring to your panties that you were trying on the other day after doing some much needed retail therapy with some friends. 

Your group was getting smaller and smaller as more students were murdered, kidnapped or not heard from in weeks. Curfew was getting shorter that soon enough school was sure to be cancelled until the police solved whoever was running around killing everyone. 

It’s Tuesday night and you just finished showering, you had been blowdrying your hair for the last 20 minutes. The recent news far from your thoughts, the truck load of school work that was due was giving you a migraine. Finally your hair was dried and you were ready to slip into bed and start your assignment. You turned your TV on, immediately putting on your current Netflix show that you were binging. 

Eyes flicking back and forth from your laptop screen to your TV. You hadn’t checked your phone since you started to shower and noticed you had multiple messages from an unknown number. But it wasn’t unknown to you. You knew exactly who it was. 

Unknown Number +1**********

➤ quiet night? 

➤ parents aren’t home. 

➤ neighbours are out of town. 

You had only had one actual physical contact with ghostface which was two weeks ago. He chased you around your house until your neighbours came barging in and he ran away. Ever since you had your parents change the locks and debate whether or not to send you across the country to live with your aunt and uncle until it was all over. You pleaded that they didn’t and instead they paid for a self defence class for you. 

Your phone buzzed again, drawing your attention away from the TV. 

Unknown Number +***********

➤ i liked the little show you put on for me the other day. 

➤ wish i had been there to ruin those little red panties 

You weren’t sure what to write back, you sat there debating if you should even write anything back and entertain this creep. 

Just as you put your phone down, the screen lit up and the room echoed from your ringtone. 

Unknown Caller 

You weren’t sure if you should pick up, but something inside you made you do it. 

“Hello?” You hesitantly asked as you held the device up to your ear. Waiting to hear that deep voice that you couldn’t recognise. 

“Hello y/n. Enjoying your show?” Your eyes met your TV screen to see your show playing still on low volume. You turned the TV off, quickly standing to your feet to look out your window. It was barely lit outside from the streetlight and nothing seemed to stick out like a sore thumb. 

“Who is this? Why are you tormenting me?” You had asked the question too many times that it was just routine, you’d hope that one time he would budge and just tell you. 

“The question isn’t who I am. the question is where I am.” You heart began to race, eyes searching endlessly out your window, he had to be close by. You suddenly felt the booty shorts and crop top that you had slid into wasn’t the best attire to be wearing at home alone whilst being stalked by a psycho. 

“Look asshole, you wanna play games. I can play.” You weren’t sure what you exact plan was, but it was the first thing to pop into your head. Were you terrified of ghostface? Yes. But did it also arouse you how much he called you, texted you, the fact he had probably seen you naked countless times, even possibly pleasured himself to the sight of you. 

“Oh yeah? In the mood for monopoly?” He chuckled darkly on the other end, you could only hope he was still watching you from where he was. With your free hand you danced your fingers down your torso, dipping into the waistband of your shorts and panties and itching your way to your centre that was throbbing. You could hear a deep growl on the other end. 

You chuckled into the phone, knowing he was definitely watching you now. You breathed a soft moan as your fingertip circles your juicy clit, using your arousal as lube to slick your finger around the bundle of nerves. Your moans grew louder and your mouth fell agape as you began walking backwards onto your bed, allowing yourself to fall back into the plush mattress and send yourself into a bliss. 

You had forgotten about ghostface, your phone falling from your ear to beside your head. 

“Hey!” Your eyes popped open as you remembered he was still on the other end. You quickly grabbed it, slowing your circles to keep yourself on edge. 

“I want to hear your pretty cries when you cum, I want you to cum to me and only me. You got that princess?” His words were sharp and threatening, just like the blade he used to murder your friends. God you were getting turned on and touching yourself to a psycho killer. The unexpected happened next. A snapchat notification came through. 

Gfce23 added you on Snapchat! 

It was him. It had to be. You accepted, still working yourself and slipping a finger inside your dripping cunt to get more arousal on your clit. 

Immediately a video came through, along with a few photos. You bit your lip as you thought about what could possibly be on the other end. You had to take the chance though, you were too far down the rabbit hole. 

“Open them, I want you to see what you fucking do to me.” His voice was hoarse and breathless, you could tell he was jerking himself on the other end or something. You clicked on the purple square. Your eyes met a hard cock, veiny and thick. The tip an enraged red with a slight purple tinge. A single drop of precum oozing out the slit and his black leather glove wrapped around his cock. 

The video began playing and his hand jerked his cock slowly, throaty moans echoing as the video continued to play and that drop of precum dripped down his pinkish shaft. A small bush of pubic hair that led to a faint snail trail and a set of what you could only guess were abs. 

His hand got faster and his moans got faster as he pumped himself hard in his hand, but before you could view more you heard your parents car pulling into the driveway with their faint music blaring. 

Ghostface was in the back of your mind as you quickly closed your phone and got settled into bed. Ghostface didn’t call you back, didn’t text you and didn’t send anything else to you that night. But that does’t mean he let you off easy. 

It had only been a few days since you last heard from ghostface, but when you did you were surprised to see the message he had sent through was not his usual taunting, threatening approach. 

Unkown Number +**********

➤ i want to see that pretty pussy spread out tonight 

➤ leave your window unlocked

➤ i know your parents wont be home

➤ hope you like it rough princess

[ghostaholics]

𝐊𝐈𝐒𝐒 𝐈𝐓 𝐁𝐄𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐑

➸ PAIRING: Lieutenant Simon 'Ghost' Riley x gn medic!Reader (same reader from here, but this is a stand-alone) ➸ SUMMARY: You kiss Simon's very minor injuries. And then some. (Or, alternatively: He's not actually wounded. He just wants to see you.) ➸ WARNING(S): some graphic descriptions of old injuries ➸ A/N: Need to preface that this isn't smut despite how the title and summary sound. Anyways, Jo knows I listened to Hozier's Other Voices 2020 version of "Work Song" for a week straight while writing this. ➸ WC: 2k

❝ 𝐖𝐀𝐒 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐊𝐈𝐍' 𝐎𝐅 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐎𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐅𝐈𝐄𝐋𝐃, ❞ he admits, low-timbered. It feels intimate, especially coming from him. Simon's sitting on the cot; it sags under his weight. He curls his hands over the edge of it as he leans forward. No casualties post-mission means he's got free rein to pick wherever he wants in the medical tent.

"Oh, yeah? What about?"

"That I should probably do my best to avoid injuries so I don’t keep pestering you. Can always just tell me to fuck off, y’know.”

“You’re gonna break my heart if you stop coming around.

“Mm,” he says in agreement. “Can’t have that can we?”

You nod your head earnestly. “I like your company.”

“Tryin’ to say that you’ll miss me?”

“I would.” More than he knows.

It’s routine now. He gives you just enough room, adjusting his position. You step into the space made between Simon’s splayed knees, his massive legs nearly bracketing yours with how close they are. He’s bigger than you. Well, considerably more mammoth-like in his proportions compared to an overwhelming majority of the soldiers that you’ve encountered, to be quite honest.

Simon acts as though he’s acutely aware of his size. You suspect that he purposefully makes himself smaller in your presence. Like now, how his shoulders are rounded forward, the column of his spine not as straight-arrow in that standard, militaristic posture most servicemen have adopted. As if he doesn’t want to appear too intimidating. Not that Simon could, to you. Hours doing his stitches and idle chitchat on your part have taught you that he’s much less ruthless than people seem to paint him as. But you appreciate the thought anyway.

You conduct the assessment – a typical evaluation normal for combat casualty care, more in-depth than the one you’d done when he initially stopped by and you did a quick once-over for any obvious injuries. Though given the complete vacancy in the medical tent, you find it hard to believe that you’ll come across anything on him since the mission went that smoothly.

The first thing you notice this time: he doesn't smell like spilled blood. It's different. Not that sweet, rusted iron of wet tackiness – the one that reminds you of a generous stack of two pence coins held between a pair of hands cupped together. He comes in that way a lot. Reeks, because war means that he's no stranger to charging through a shower of copper and lead-forged bullets out on the field. Everything else is still there, though. Maybe a dying campfire – crackling logs and blackened earth. Soft dirt excavated from a foxhole for cover while under enemy fire. All gunpowder and Marlboro Lights and diesel-fuel smoke. Fresh rain and a blue-violet sky after a storm. Victory without consequence.

You'd breathe it in if you could, pull the collar of his jacket up to your face. At this proximity, it’d be easy.

He drops the act when he’s in front of you. Lieutenant. Ghost. Battle-hardened, gruff. A natural-born leader. The kind of person to rip this world apart brick by brick – scraped up palms clutching onto broken pieces – to make sure that the plan is executed accordingly, no matter the cost. It’s hard for him to shed that layer. A drop in the bucket of information that you’ve gathered about this man.

You’ve seen him at his best. But you know him at his worst.

The laundry list of injuries over the years: blows to his torso and his back and his limbs that were brighter than technicolor – purples and reds and sickly yellow-green shades – deep, blotchy medals of violence decorating his skin like some kind of fucked-up kaleidoscope that was nothing to be proud of; when some bastard drove a knife right into his upper thigh, that dirty blade wedged through tissue and muscle which was sure as hell going to induce the nastiest infection without serious TLC and a tetanus shot; rib fractures 7-9 because he aborted an exploding heli, seconds to spare before landing on his side wrong from a height that was equivalent to three stories tall; old GSWs dotting his body the same way you’d shove push pins into a paper-flimsy map to mark the places you’ve been to.

And then there’s no contest for the top contender. 𝐆𝐡𝐨𝐬𝐭'𝐬 𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐬𝐭 𝐈𝐧𝐣𝐮𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐭 #𝟏: when he was rushed in on a stretcher, barely clinging to life. Lower abdomen shredded by exploding shrapnel. He was outside of the window of opportunity. Too far beyond that golden hour, so his chances of surviving plummeted to a single-digit percent.

He’s more than just a patchwork of scars. There’s a complex person underneath the surface. A miracle in the flesh to have toughed it out through all of that. Resilient. Perpetual. His callsign makes sense. Ghosts really do live forever.

Several seconds pass before you speak again. It’s a silly comment, teasing – poking fun at him. You don’t have any reservations when it comes to picking on Simon; he’s good about taking these things in stride. Funny, actually. He’s got a dry sense of humor. “I think… you like the idea of someone taking care of you.”

His response isn’t immediate. It’s delayed, said with intention. He doesn’t ever waste words. “Not just anybody.”

You nearly reel back at that. Warmth floods your face. You aren’t quite sure what to say, didn’t expect it. So you let the comment hang in the air between the two of you, busying your hands with slipping off his tac vest, triple-checking for hidden wounds, doing anything to keep yourself occupied while you stand this close to him in the wake of that remark. You’re engrossed in your work, in search of a distraction.

(He’s a distraction, isn’t he?)

And then your eyes stop in their scan. Right there: a small nick on the exposed sliver of skin between his glove and sleeve – open to the direct path of some wayward debris that happened to graze him. So tiny. You’ve seen paper cuts more harrowing than this – wouldn’t have even registered on your radar, especially if it’s being dwarfed by other critical wounds that hold decisive sway over somebody’s fate when it comes to your average life-or-death scenario.

Of course, you take your job very seriously.

You feign a sharp inhale. “Ah,” you say solemnly, guiding his arm up to your face for a closer look. “Found your problem.”

“I’ve got a problem,” he echoes, voice laced with amusement.

“See, you came to the right place. Anybody else would’ve missed it.”

“The verdict, then?”

“So terrible. Earth-shattering, in fact—”

Simon starts pulling away. “Alright, that’s enough of you takin’ the piss outta me,” he gripes.

You chase his arm to recapture it into your grasp. “Wait!” you say, huffing out a laugh. Your mouth sprouts into a wide grin that makes him roll his eyes.

“You gonna treat me or what?”

Your humor bubbles away as you come back to your senses. Those once-loud peals of laughter start to die down when you take his question into consideration. Because there’s really nothing for you to do; he doesn’t need you.

The realization is slow-moving. It washes over you, rolls like waves as you finally begin to sober up.

Simon wants to be here, and he’s looking for any excuse to stay. He just can’t find the courage to own up to it.

“I dunno. Might be unconventional,” you throw out casually, playing along. “Risky, maybe – never been done before.”

But he’s undeterred. “Sure. Whatever you gotta do.”

You pause for a beat, fingers still wrapped around his forearm because you haven’t managed to let go yet. His skin is warm under your palm. You’re not sure what exactly possesses you to do it – emboldened by his encouragement, given complete carte blanche; he’s leaving this to your discretion. So you press your lips to that area where the cut is, right over his pulse point. If you had lingered for longer, you probably would’ve been able to feel it thudding, that solid rhythm and easy strength reminding you he’s alive.

You expected him to withdraw his arm in bewilderment. He should’ve kicked up a fuss about you violating his boundaries, should’ve told you that you overstepped. Something, right?

But he doesn’t do any of that. Simon’s studying you. Dark pupils. So chasm-deep that the ground beneath your feet might slip away. Ocean trenches, midnight-black like the charcoal smudged around his eyes. When they land on you, his gaze goes molasses-soft. He’s fond; there’s little room for doubt. The way he looks at you says everything. None of that usual coldness he harbors during an op. Instead, relaxed and more human than you’re used to seeing – all of his attention focused solely on you.

“Where else, Simon?” you whisper.

He’s thinking – carefully weighing his options – the same expression that he gets when a crossroads lies ahead of him and he knows his make-it-or-break-it decision will invariably affect the outcome of a mission.

After several moments, his hand comes up. Simon’s fingers curl underneath the hem of his mask; he’s been wearing the fabric balaclava more often since you’ve fixed the stitching on it. Then he lifts – not the entire way. Just to reveal the bottom half of his face. There he is. Sandpaper-rough stubble. The sharp cut of his jaw. A mouth that you’re convinced wears a scowl 24/7 behind his mask but is now slightly twitched up.

Even though you’ve seen it before, the sight of him never fails to steal your breath away. Feels like meeting him for the first time again. With how rarely he does this, it might as well be – that slow, heart-melting sensation is steadily filling the cavern of your chest.

And you lean in. Your lips brush against his; it’s a chaste thing – the kiss – if it can be called that. Gentle. Like how you’d stitch up his wounds with a light touch and kind intent. He’s built of sterner stuff, but if there’s anything you’ve learned about him, it’s that he’s capable of breaking just as easily as everyone else. You always handle Simon with care: unequivocal compassion and empathy when there’s so little of those left on this side of war – privileges that he’s never taken for granted.

“Better?” you ask quietly, tipping your head in question.

Simon hums his approval – this pleased, low sound in his throat. His hand slides across your lower back. He tugs you towards him. “Wouldn’t mind some more attention,” he murmurs, before slotting his mouth over yours. And then he kisses you like it might heal him from the outside in.

[clawsdevour]

fogged up

wc: 1.9k content warning: smut, post-time skip, established relationship, shower sex, small mention of slapping, oral (m!receiving), reader x kiyoomi sakusa, oneshot, not proofread

note: to be honest. this plot and like little scenario has BEEN simmering in my mind since like 2020 LMFAO i jsut never started writing until this summer..

ꕮ * ׂ.﹑

It was currently 7:33 PM, and the other day you invited your boyfriend, Kiyoomi Sakusa, to sleep over at your place for the night since he’s got volleyball practice near where you resided. He’s supposed to arrive around eight which is usually the time he gets out. 

Twenty-seven minutes.. Good amount of time for an everything shower before he gets here, you thought to yourself. You’re grabbing the cute pjs you saved to wear for the night you invited him over, along with a pair of some lacy panties to add with your sleepwear if things get a bit intimate. 

The cold bathroom air hits your face when you twist open the knob and set your clothes on the marble counter. Turning on the water, as you wait for it to get warmer you start stripping yourself naked before hopping in and closing the glass door. 

You do the usual routine starting with double shampooing, a nice and hydrating hair mask, wash it off before letting your condition sit in your hair. Despite hearing all of the water shooting down onto you and the hitting the tiles, you heard something else from another part of your house. The front door. Someone got into your house. Fuck.. Is this gonna end up like that one movie where that girl dies in the bathroom?? Keep in mind, you lived alone. The door creaked to a close when you heard a heavy thud and footsteps heading towards the noise you created in the bathroom. 

You were just halfway into your everything shower when you saw the doorknob move side to side through the glass walls of your shower. The clunk of your handle slowly twisted the door open, from outside you’re staring at an eye that pierced back at you to which you knew who it was. Oh thank god, It’s just Kiyoomi!! Sighing in relief before you realized you’re completely left exposed, vulnerable and completely wet, trying to hastily cover up with just your hands.

“O-Oh.. I’m sorry” his husky voices mutters out, realizing you’re helpless naked and showering while he slams the door shut in awkwardness, still standing right outside. Both of you were in a bit of shock at the sudden interaction, the tension rose to its high even though you were separated by the door. 

“Wait Omi! Do you… wanna join me? You just got back from practice so you must be feeling really sweaty and gross right now!” peering your head out of the glass door to stare back at the blank wall that’s dividing you two. His head hung back up to ask through the walls if it was okay, to which you obliged. 

He creaks back open a sliver while asking you to excuse him for his intrusion. His tall muscular body walks in, dark eyes wide open, face slightly flushed and tried their hardest to resist seeing your bare figure covered with the sheen layer of water that glistened with every movement.

Kiyoomi brought in his clothing and set it aside next to yours as he began to undress in front of you, to which you watched from the corner of your eye while he strips his articles of clothing one by one. His lean long torso, and toned arms left you salivating. Especially when he slid down his boxers to reveal that he already had an erection that coiled out, a large and tall one at that, leaving you in shock while he’s a bit ashamed.

“I can’t help myself.” He’s standing face to face with you with the glass shower somewhat opened, looking down at you and your perky, shiny breasts. You let out a subtle giggle as you grabbed his hand to lead him in the shower with you. His deep black curls, saturated and drooped down as the water catches onto his thick hair.

Turning around to face the showerhead as you wash out the conditioner that was in your hair for a while, you felt Kiyoomi’s large hands hover around your slick waist. His head, in the crook of your neck planting a soft peck on your jaw. You felt his bare cock press and increase in size along the curve of your ass.

“Did you miss me at practice, Omi?” you could feel his mouth form into a small grin along your neck. He’s gradually sliding his dick up and down on the crevice of your ass, as he nods into you. One of his hands let go from your waist and slide up to your boob, feeling it up and flicking around your nipple as you let out small whines from his cheeky antics.

“How’d you know?” he’s moving his hand up from your nipple to your chin to position you for a kiss on the lips as you gaze back at his eyes that’re filled to the brim with lust and desire. The tapping sounds coming from the water hitting onto you two and the floor made it inaudible when you and Kiyoomi started to full on make out in the shower.

His hand on your waist eventually slid down to your slippery clit, rubbing it in slow sensational circles while you continue to receive his loving, sloppy kisses that enhanced your experience. You were the first to pull away from him to catch your breath while you turned around and kneeled in front of him to face his raging boner. He’s flushed to a rosy pink hue as you started to stroke his cock aggressively since the water made it easier to slide your fingers around his dick.

“Shit.. if you do that, I don’t know what I’m gonna end up doing with you.” His thumb reaches down once more, but to open your mouth while your undivided attention was set on him as he’s toying with your warm tongue that swirls around his calloused digit. When he took out his thumb from your slobbering mouth was when you started going down on his length. 

The warmth your mouth provided him was overwhelming, his hot breathless puffs ringing in the little heated glass room and mixed with the humidity. The amount of slick your cunt produced kept getting washed down by the water, but sucking him off made you feral and crave him even more as you bobbed your head repeatedly on it. His long fingers were buried in your sopping wet hair as he held your head to use your mouth like his own personal flesh toy.

His dick twitched like crazy in your mouth from the unbearable pleasure that he had to pull out before he came in your mouth. But you absolutely refused, you wanted all of his release in your mouth.

“Ha.. you’re kidding me…” he snickered whilst holding eye contact with you, your eyes penetrated his while he pumped his warm gooey cum into your mouth before taking it out while he watched you swallow it all down. Sticking your tongue out to playfully taunt him, he can’t help but snicker at how you just took it all like that down your throat.

“Put it in please, I can’t wait any longer Omi.. it’s been so long since you’ve been back” stepping closer to the glass wall of the shower, your hands spread across the glass that fogged, ass sticking out with the water shimmering as it runs down your back, your head is turnt to peep at him with eyes that begged with sin. 

“You’ll get what you want.” Kiyoomi splashed behind you as he closes in between the gap, his hands gripping your hips to get closer to his. You watch impatiently from behind as he’s lining up his tip with your slick entrance, the water making it a bit slippery before you felt your hole widen as his head presses into you, letting out an immense moan that rippled along the walls. 

“O-Omi..!” Moaning out his name as he starts to thrust his size into you, creating banging sounds that recoiled with the water that hits from above.

The side of your face pressed against the shower to watch him at work drilling into your pussy with all the wet squelching that echoed and mixed with sounds of the downpour. Your tits were pressed against the glass and moved whenever he pounded into you, creating foggy looking silhouettes around you. The shadows and your nipples squished around, as you’re able to watch this all go down in the mirror across from you.

His tightening grip was bruising, but you loved it. You also loved whenever he lands a finishing strike across your ass that stings a bright red on your cheek as if your ass was a volleyball that he spiked. Your whimpers and that lewd look on your face powers him further to fuck you even harder. Whenever you call out for him, he can’t help himself but pick up the pace to pleasure you even further.

Kiyoomi’s watching you get pounded by him in the mirror, enjoying every second of it. His soaking wet hair brushes against your skin whenever he peppers kisses along your back, while he smells the scent of clean soap wash off your body the more he pounds into you.

“You feel so fucking good you know that?” You babble out words that you couldn’t even make out the moment your slurred speech comes out of your mouth. Your hand reaches down for your clit to stimulate you further to get closer to your release which he noticed. Kiyoomi’s quick to grab ahold of your hand and keep it pressed against the glass as he continues to groan into your ear, saying you don’t need to do that when you’ve got him.

“M’not letting you cum alone.” Kiyoomi pauses for a brief moment before taking out his cock from your gaping hole, causing you to whimper from feeling so empty without him being in you.

When you turn around to face him with a slight pout on your face, he picks you up and slams you against the cold glass. Awoken from the mind numbing pleasure, your headspace is in for a slight shock when his slightly swollen lips meet yours for another long kiss as if he were a starved animal.

He’s backing away to slip back in his throbbing cock into your dripping entrance as he’s pressing your back further onto the glass walls of your shower. Kiyoomi’s holding onto you so tight, not letting you go anywhere as he continues to fuck you brainless, feeling all the sensations when your bodies continue to rub up against each other.

His twitching dick and your throbbing cunt, the lust in the atmosphere, the sounds that echo off your wet bodies as the shower runs, Kiyoomi’s almost at his end point. Both of you are sore and stimulated to the max as he releases his white cum into you, coating your plush gummy walls with his white paint. You’re both still, trying to pick back up your unmatched breathing.

“I’m sorry.. I got carried away,” he’s panting while pulling out, kissing your forehead as a gesture to ask for your forgiveness as you continue to cling onto his broad shoulders.

His essence seeps out of you and drips onto the bathroom tiles as it gets washed away due to the warm running water. You’re trying to regain your composure as he continues to hold you in his arms, Kiyoomi’s fingers moving away the stray wet hairs that clung onto your forehead while looking into your starry, but droopy eyes peer back into his while you mumble out an it’s okay. 

“You’re too beautiful” he whispers to you before setting you down to help finish washing you up before bed.

masterlist here

[star-sim]

sweater ☆ riki nishimura

☆ non-idol! bf! riki x fem! reader ☆ summary: when riki doesn't recognize a sweater that you're wearing, he gets insecure. ☆ genre: fluff, hurt-comfort ☆ warning(s)? insecurities and cheating briefly mentioned ☆ word count: 1.0k ☆ reblogs and comments are appreciated! also this was such a big trend in 2020 in the haikyuu fandom my god

“What the fuck, dude?!”

You head whipped around to see your boyfriend frowning on your bed.

It was another one of those nights.

Riki and you would stay together all night, either to study or just fool around. It was deeper into the night now. You had just gotten out of the shower, changing into one of your dad’s oversized sweaters that miscellaneously made its way into your laundry. You liked the way that it fit, draping over you comfortably.

You were peacefully doing your skincare routine when Riki’s outburst interrupted you.

With half-applied moisturizer, you cocked a brow at him, looking at your boyfriend over you shouldes.

“What happened?”

The wide scowl that broke out on Riki’s features was alarming. His brows knitted together and his lips curled. Riki let out an offended scoff, throwing his phone aside and jumping to his feet. He paced toward you with vigor, grabbing onto your shoulders.

“You know what you did, and you’re just going to act like you did nothing–?”

“What the fuck are you talking about, Riki?” You clutched boyfriend’s shoulders, slowly pushing him away.

He didn’t move. His large hands squeezed your shoulders, his face contorting. Anyone would think that Riki’s face was painted with anger, but you knew better.

He was confused.

And distraught.

Riki sunk his teeth into his bottom lip, fingers brushing against the hem of your sweater.

For him, the issue was your sweater.

He’d never seen it before. 

These days, Riki was feeling insecure.

All throughout high school, you were endlessly popular. Riki would be lying if he said he never felt a tad insecure. There were so many guys that still pined after you. So many guys that were ten times smarter than him. So many guys that were endlessly kinder than him. So many guys that had perfect temperaments and maturity. After all, why would you, the prettiest, smartest, strongest, and most perfect girl in the entire world, want to stay with someone as crass and needy as him?

Sometimes, words got to him. Those that knew about your relationship talked. And they never seemed to fully approve of the two of you being together.

She deserves better, was always the first thing that came out of their mouths.

And sometimes Riki agreed.

The thought of someone else holding you, someone touching you and kissing your lips, someone getting to gaze into your eyes and whisper those three words from their heart to you made Riki feel sick to his stomach. 

But he couldn’t help but feel inferior. Maybe someone else would be better for you.

So when he saw you wearing a sweater that he didn’t recognize, Riki’s insecurities got the best of him. You didn’t wear sweaters often, and if you did, it was always his. His sweaters were distinctly too big for you, always being oversized.

Which was why Riki’s mind ran wild.

Where did you get that oversized sweater if it wasn’t Riki’s?

And more importantly, who did it belong to?

“I know I’m not good enough for you,” Riki grumbled, “But you could’ve told me before you went off with another guy.”

“Wait, what?”

Riki looked down. If he looked you in the eye, he’d probably start crying. 

He didn’t respond.

“Riki, what are you talking about?” Your hand gently came up to grasp his cheek, which he pulled away from. “‘Went off with another guy’? What are you even saying?”

When he finally looked at you, you saw the hot tears that were lining his eyes. He pushed your hand away, quickly wiping his eyes.

You pushed him onto the bed, sinking down onto his lap. You caressed his cheek. 

“I’m not going to leave you, Baby,” you said. “I mean, there’s no one that I could ever like as much as you.”

You brought your fingers up to his eyes, gently pressing his eyes shut. Then, you leaned in to kiss his eyelids, then his temples. With your fist, you softly knocked on his head. “I always wonder what’s going on in that head of yours.”

Riki didn’t say anything. Instead, he melted into your touch, sliding his arm around your torso, pulling you closer to him. 

“I love you, Riki, I hope you know that” you said into his ear. “So I don’t want you to cry anymore.”

“I wasn’t crying,” Riki mumbled against your shoulder.

“Sure, Baby,” you patted the back of his head. 

After a few moments of silence, you asked, “What made you think that I would leave you?”

“Your sweater. I hate it.”

You cocked a brow. “Why?”

“Looks like some other dude’s.”

You shared another silence.

You let out a small, ‘ah.’ Getting off of Riki’s lap, you fingered the hem of your sweater. Riki watched you as you disappeared into your closet, before reappearing with another sweater. Making sure that he was watching you, you began to pull the polyester fabric over your shoulders.

“Wh-What are you doing?!” Riki rushed to cover his eyes.

“Relax, you big baby.” 

Riki hid behind his hands, watching from the cracks in his fingers. Pulling off the sweater that you were currently wearing, you shrugged on another sweater.

It had blue and black stripes, reaching down to the middle of your thighs.

This time, Riki recognized it. It was his.

“There,” you gave him a boxy smile. “Even though that sweater was my dad’s, if you don’t like it, I won’t wear it.”

Riki’s jaw dropped, before waving his hands out in front of him. “Nonono!” he spluttered. “I was being stupid. You can wear whatever you want!”

You put your finger on your chin. “Hmmm, but I think I like your sweaters more.”

Years into the future, you never let Riki live down the fact that he got jealous over a sweater. Riki didn’t care, though. The only memory attached to that little incident worth living for was when you kissed him and said, “I love you.”

[anemoiashifts]

how to enjoy shifting again & recover from burn out.

its always about the process & never the outcome.

⋅˚₊‧ ୨୧ ‧₊˚.

♡ mindset.

so what you didn’t shift ? shifting isn’t going away. you have an infinite amount of chances to shift & the greatest part is you only have to do it once “right”. you only have to get to your dr once & show yourself that you’re capable. prove the existence of shifting to yourself.

if you didn’t shift & say something like “i hate that im still in this reality”, try flipping it to “the universe has more to show me in this reality so that i can have the tools to cope & enter my desired reality with more knowledge & insight”. every time you open an app like tiktok or tumblr you’re being exposed to new information which can be draining at times (all in moderation) but knowledge is power. knowing & exposure to information — different perspectives — can be eye opening. you’re also getting time. time to think about where you’re shifting to, to learn to put trust into yourself.

for those of you who have been trying to shift since 2020, what parts of life & lessons would you have missed out on if you had shifted on the first time trying ? the universe has more to show you & is teaching you patience.

the universe or god or even yourself — whatever you believe in — is “preventing” you from shifting for a reason. & guess what ? you’ll come out of it a more fulfilled & experienced person. the universe knows what’s best for you. when you don’t get what you want it’s because the universe has something better for you coming.

⋅˚₊‧ ୨୧ ‧₊˚.

♡ reflect.

would it have been good or healthy for you if you shifted to your first dr. think about the things you’ve scripted. would you really want that life or do you like the just thinking about it ?

reflect on your journey. look at your scripts & knowledge & everything you have come to know since discovering shifting. compare your mindset & journey & your knowledge from then to now.

are you in a better place mentally ? yes ? no ? if not, how can you get there.

⋅˚₊‧ ୨୧ ‧₊˚.

♡ routine & self.

create the routine your desired reality self has. what would she wake up & think everyday ? would she go to the gym & workout or shower ? what would her day to day look like ?

we must become out dr self internally before we can see things begin to materialize in the physical.

fall in love with the process. get excited about falling into those same patterns & routines & aligning with your higher, desired reality self. become her. expect what she expects.

⋅˚₊‧ ୨୧ ‧₊˚.

♡ find the beauty in life.

if you shift, you shift. if you don’t, you don’t. im not saying that you cannot care but be okay with waking up where you fell asleep. don’t put all your eggs in one basket & care about life here. why don’t you care about yourself here but worship your dr self ? it’s still you. it’s still your life. both are you. what’s the difference between the two of you ? nothing because your dr self is you. give yourself room for error & don’t beat yourself up over it. learn how to speak kindly to yourself. go outside on a walk & pick out three beautiful things in nature.

♡ balance.

find balance in life. create a healthy mindset & positive patterns. there is no need to obsess over shifting because everything will work out for you in the end. if you truly believe you will shift one day, then there’s no need to stress because you know the outcome already. you don’t need to think about how you get from a to b. what you need to think about is your worldview & how your thoughts & system of beliefs shape you & ask yourself “are they serving me”? you have time in this reality , how can you not be miserable ? how can you make life here more enjoyable ?

⋅˚₊‧ ୨୧ ‧₊˚.

♡ cutting out things that don’t serve you.

somethings demotivating ? block or mute it. don’t like a method you’ve tried ? you aren’t tied to it. how about a piece of 2020 shiftok advice ? why are you letting someone’s expense have such a chokehold on you. just because it helped them at the time doesn’t mean it will help you. everyone learns differently.

there is no reason to be torturing yourself & putting your valuable time into holding onto things that don’t help you. there is no reason you should be so hellbent on shifting being this & not that. who cares what other people think shifting is ? all that matters is what you believe in to be because it benefits you. fighting someone in a comment section benefits nobody. stop disturbing other people’s journeys & putting unnecessary strain on the community. we all believe in shifting. we all should be supportive of each other, no matter what they believe shifting to be. you could be learning a lot from one another. knowledge is power. learn to appreciate other perspectives & outlooks & their insight. don’t be so quick to dismiss.

⋅˚₊‧ ୨୧ ‧₊˚.

♡ get excited.

start watching new shows so you can find new places to shift to. make playlists based on your dr. make scripts. make those paper mâché wands people made in 2020 if you’re shifting to harry potter. you’re allowed to get excited. you’re allowed to make it new & fun again. you can make a change for the better anytime. it’s never to late to start over & if restarting your journey from square one will help you then do it. literally adapt the mindset that this is the first time you’ve ever seen shifting on your feed right now. if this was the first video or post you’ve seen in shifting , how would that have shaped your perception of it ?

⋅˚₊‧ ୨୧ ‧₊˚.

[lizaluvsthis]

Hey Liz, how are you doing?

What are your favorite headcanons for Smg34??

(btw I luv your art <3)

I'm Fine. :)

Thank you! I love people's arts too :>

My favorite SMG34 Headcanons are...

SMG4 is very much the oblivious sun pair with three as the tsundere pining moon.

Three does better cooking than smg4 but he teaches for some ways so that he wouldn't always have to rely the cooking for him.

SMG4 shows three some funny memes to where sometimes he may or may not understand the humors of it but still smiles. (He appreciates it)

SMG4 is the big spoon and three is the small spoon

SMG4 is a slight inch taller than SMG3

When three skips a shower a day, Four would overreact and will demand Three to take a bath.

When one of them feels sad, they cuddle up each other and talk out some stuff (comfort leading to laughter)

SMG4 would brush Three's long hair because he loves how wavy it is

Despite Three annoyed with Four's teasing from his hair, he allows him to pat his head.

They both dont like public affection so they do it on their own time in private.

Three does find fashion interesting and organizing stuff properly while Four finds memes funny and has some- sense of humor

SMG4 would tease three and he would fluster up from his words.

There are some times four would flirt as always, there are some other times that Three flirts back making Four blush.

Three lets four do his long hair (either braid, ponytail, half ponytail, or pigtails)

Three is the first to come out as pansexual before SMG4 did.

SMG4 is rarely aware if three really is pansexual

SMG3 figured four was bisexual after 2020

SMG3 has black nails while SMG4 only has plain ones

SMG4 does feel a bit heart touched when he get some times where Three treats Eggdog as his son.

They both listen to mitski or cavetown sometimes

Three likes opera meanwhile Four just likes memes

SMG4 would sometimes stare at Three's lips while he sleeps, SMG3 would always stare at four's eyes

Red resembles love and compassion, so four would sometimes bring Three a red rose or two in special occassions.

They both sometimes forget their anniversary but they still make it up for each other.

In a movie theatre when watching. SMG3 and SMG4 would be paying attention to the screen, next by step- Four starts to gain on his senses and ends up staring at Three for a couple or a few minutes. (He loves how three would express his own emotion because he rarely does it.)

SMG4 likes to blow bubbles while Three sometimes uses cigarettes

Coping mechanisms. Four edits his videos, Three would stream and play games on his twitch chat.

Four would sometimes watch Three's twitch stream while he plays and leaves anonymous replies (a joke or something else to vibe with three making him have fun for a bit)

In some other times when three is near four, he could smell that his hair stinks and may had said that out loud to him to the point he went outrageous and left.

Since four doesn't know how to deal with emotions, he searches stuff from google about hair products that would go alright with three. (He thinks as a good helping hand friend- you get to also care with hygiene)

SMG4 felt really bad for three judging with his low self doubt on himself

But now four finally understands, he wants to change.

SMG4 has Autism (for misunderstanging people's emotions)

SMG3 has Adhd (getting a little bit distracted)

SMG4 stays by his side so that they both don't get separated.

SMG3 keeps four safe by putting him to safety first before he takes care of himself

SMG4 may not have did much for three but he still loves to annoy him with kindness and goofyness

SMG3 is the one to carry four in bridal style (even tho it was supposed to be four)

SMG4 does his daily routine where when he wakes up, brushes his teeth, and use shaving cream.

Tho SMG3 does the opposite. He wakes up to make his own morning coffee and take care of the cafe and his eggdog.

[I'll keep on updating as much as possible if theres any other stuff]

[vikarih]

maybe you’re struggling to shift, maybe you’re demotivated late at night and scrolled though the tumblr tag (like me) and try to find something new. these tips i have collected, which worked for me, may or may not be helpful to you - most of these are obvious, but you know? even if it helps one person, it’s enough. so, let’s start!

- try to drink a lot of water. i know, this one is quite controversial and i was a victim of early 2020 shifttok myself. but, i tried drinking extreme amounts of water yesterday and i was a lot more focused and concentrated.

- feel comfortable in your script and your dr. this is one of the most obvious ones but for myself, i was scared to shift to my first dr and didn’t realize that. i thankfully never shifted there because it was weird and scary, and this kept me from doing any progress. and if you’re not happy with your script - try different layouts, simplify or extend it! that can raise your motivation and the work on your script may connect you a bit more to your dr

- waiting rooms. for those of you who have one, the directly shifting into your dr. that helped me, because it’s easier for me to directly jump into my dr. for those who don’t have one, try creating one and shift to the wr first. it’s not as complex and scary at first.

- try to do things before bed you’re not usually doing! taking an everything shower, flossing your teeth, making an extra step in your evening routine - whatever it may be, but it will get you a bit out of the everyday routine. you may be a little bit happier and find more ambition to actually shift - also, unusual things tend to disconnect me from my cr

- go around and see what works for you. look what methods with what mechanisms do something for you and combine those. if you’re experiencing the most symptoms with visualization, focus on that. if you’re good with just affirming, do that. don’t press yourself into methods you don’t even like.

- shifting symptoms are not mandatory to shift! i didn’t had them myself and usually get very close to it. shifting symptoms are NOT ALWAYS symptoms of shifting but your body falling asleep. if you have them, that’s good! but if not, then don’t worry. to be said, i had symptoms that actually came from being in the shifting process and some of them were really just my body falling asleep - there’s a difference.

- if you’re at the verge of shifting and you can’t quite push yourself over the edge, a common thing to do is repeating ‚i am shifting‘ or ‚i have shifted‘ which just puts me out of that state entirely. try affirming things more actually connected to your dr (‚i am in [place you wake up] and ‚my name is x‘ and try describing what you’ll see once you open your eyes)

- shifttok may be a good place to get tips from, but try other sources as well. books with information about shifting, reddit, youtube channels, and especially the community on tumblr with helped me a LOT.

- even if you’re not comfortable with subliminals because you don’t like falling asleep with headphones - maybe it will help you. i was kind of forced to sleep with headphones one night because the apartment was too noisy and i shifted for a few seconds with it. i couldn’t quite ground myself but i did it. either try music you’re comfortable with (for me the minecraft music pushed me into that nostalgic, beautiful feeling that helps me) or subliminals on youtube. one i really like is this one (x), which are simple theta waves. also - you don’t have to shift at night. shift during a nap so you don’t need to sleep with headphones the whole night, try that.

- try shifting throughout the day. at night i tend to fall asleep to quickly or distract myself because i‘m too tired. lay down on the weekend in the middle of the day and try shifting - and just put headphones on - or don’t. whatever you like :)

- try to sleep with your head at the place your feet are usually in. it gets you a bit disconnected from your cr because it’s unusual and if you have the chance to - sleep in another bed and try it there.

- focus on what’s the sense you connected the first. for me, it’s hearing. both time i shifted i heard sounds from my dr. the next time you’re shifting, try to imagine that the hardest.

- feel. if you’re on the edge, try to feel what you’d feel when you’d realize you shifted. feelings can help you the most.

- methods cannot make you shift. they can help you and guide you through the process, but it’s YOU who does the ‚magic‘. you can shift without a method, too.

- pinterest boards. make pinterest boards with pretty pictures about your dr that match the vibe of it. it’s fun and you have real pictures you can keep in mind to try to visualize better

- take a break once in a while. if you get too frustrated with it and just can’t get the hang of it or you’re just tired, take a break. it will not only help you but it’s for sure healthy.

[wisteriagoesvroom]

wiz extremely important question: what is girl!lando’s ab routine

omg such a good question thank you. girl!lando has always been on the leaner side but only recently: 1. she's gained knowledge of physical conditioning from her trainer jana, 2. was kind of indifferent about conditioning until the porpoising from the 2020 szn kinda f'cked her back. so now girlylando is very really careful about core strength, and in fact does pilates and core conditioning almost religiously. like she will kick your ass the pilates 100s, even though she is not happy about it and will 120% moan about it the entire time. also she can do a LOT of those standing with a heavy plate over your head and marching on the spot thingies.

girl!lando absolutely also does the hilton yoga promo vid. but instead of being oblivious, she actually maybe has to try really hard not to take over the entire workout routine. cus she has like, so much knowledge actually??? and when she cares about something she cares too much lol. this is not what you asked but it's canon 2 ME now.

(aside: oscar spends way too long staring at the workout video when it appears but we all know that. he tells himself he's watching it to "take notes" and "see if kim has been using the right kind of core exercises" for the competitive advantage of his own workout routine. but he just staring at the grains of sand on lando's knees. and then oscar is jealous of grains of sand, and he's got his face in his hands like how the hell did i end up here and then he has to take a cold shower.)

anyway here is me plugging the girl lando fic (again, unashmedly) for those of you that care, which may be five (5) persons 😬👋

[lantur]

good things,

Derek and I spent April 3 - April 6 at a resort in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, for his cousin's wedding. :) It was both of our first times at a resort, and it was interesting. I loved the weather (sun! Blue skies!) and the ocean views, but I found the ~vibes~ of the resort pretty overwhelming because it was a party resort and very loud.

I discovered something great about it, though - everyone tended to stay up really late and sleep in really late. Derek and I would go down to the pools at like 7:30 AM, and I would swim to my heart's content in the ocean-view pools for a couple hours and enjoy the hot tub in a completely private experience with no one else there. It was wonderful. Then we would go out to brunch around 10:30, as everyone started to arrive at the pools. My favorite brunch spot was a Mexican restaurant where I had delicious chilaquiles and birria tacos. ❤️ I also enjoyed our room, where we had a balcony and a hot tub literally ON the balcony.

We didn't have a honeymoon because we got married in September 2020 and Derek has a significant fear of flying, so this felt like a belated honeymoon. He had so much fun with me that he's open to trying a flight again in the future :) I think we could really enjoy a place with much calmer, relaxation-focused vibes.

I don't have any international travel plans at the moment, but I would love, love, love to go back to Mexico, specifically Mexico City next, as I'm continuing to work on my Spanish every day!

We got back home on Saturday night and I'm happily settling back into my routine and enjoying spending time with friends. Other highlights:

I'm a bar soap fiend and my post-workout shower is one of the highlights of my day. I'm loving the scent of Lush's "Sleepy" bar soap.

The post-workout iced drink after a hot shower also feels so good - I'm finally back in iced tea and sparkling water season after seven months of hot drinks! I've been loving coconut-flavored drinks lately.

The weather has improved to the point that I was able to take Westin out for his first outdoor walk of 2024 today :) and he immediately chased a bunny.

Yesterday I finished listening to The Book of Doors by Gareth Brown, a recommendation from @thatisadamnfinecupofcoffee. The book started out good and enjoyable, but the second half of the book blew me out of the water and blew my mind. I loved it and definitely recommend, with the significant note that it carries a TW for depictions of terminal cancer. I don't think I could have handled it last year, but it was exactly what I needed to read now, and very validating.

[copperbadge]

I went to work in an office today, for basically the first time in 2+ years. And while it was nice to be able to just talk to people when I had a question, I sort of forgot that *they'd* also be able to just come talk to *me*, whenever they wanted. So it was nice to see everyone, but wow was my day totally disrupted. :) Do you have the same experience (at least when you first started going back into the office)?

Yeah, in a sense -- I mean, I'm not back in the office full time or even part time, but we are looking at returning to office more fully in the next few months, so I've been going in more to make sure my desk is set up properly, all my cords and peripherals are present and functional, that kind of thing.

We have a limit right now of no more than 10 people in office on any given day, so it's not super bustling, especially since the people who actually NEED to be in office are mostly quiet introverts like me, mainly Finance and Data/Gift Processing. The chatty extroverts (Gift Officers, Events) either mostly stay home or are in so much contact with me anyway, in the course of a remote-work day, that they don't feel the need to come chat in person if we're both in-office.

However, we have one staff member, our HR officer, who clearly does extremely poorly with remote work. Our building was closed for a while in 2020, but once it reopened she basically just went back to working in-office full time. And she's a nice woman, but she definitely is starved for human interaction and once or twice I've had to be like WELP MUST BE MOSEYING BACK TO WORK in the politest possible terms.

I feel like I'm kind of at the point where I feel disrupted by the process of going in to the office at all -- having to make sure all my stuff is packed, put on real trousers, catch a bus, etc is really jarring at this point. My morning routine at home is so much more pleasant: I get a shower, throw on pyjamas and a hoodie, fix myself a morning beverage, settle the cats on the bed, and sit down to work. There are definite advantages to working in-person and I don't really want to be full-time remote forever, but the peace of remote work sure does outweigh a lot of the minor benefits of in-office for me at this point.

[illfoandillfie]

For the Bday Blurbs: Would you please write a smutty/fluffy sequel to your Advent 2020 blurb “Baby Daddy Roger”? Like maybe it’s Roger and Reader’s first night alone after their baby is born and include the prompts #61.Daddy kink and #73. Makeup sex from the prompt list tag because they've been little short with each other because they’re exhausted from taking care of a newborn and they miss their old dynamic that they fell a little out of after the birth. Thank you! Have a lovely birthday! 😊

okay this didn't turn out at all smutty oops. defs more fluffy and perhaps a bit angsty. but i hope you like it anyway!

You knew things would have to change once the baby was born. Your routines had to accommodate a whole new, tiny, person after all. Most things were expected. Feedings, bathings, remembering to pick up nappies when you picked up milk and bread. You’d been prepared for all of it. Friends who’d given birth had warned you about how your intimate areas would be affected and had given you tips about saline solutions for milk blisters and frozen condoms for post-birthing pain. Books you’d read had offered advice for getting your newborn to latch on properly while you breastfed and what position he should be sleeping in. And Roger was an invaluable partner. His experience with having kids made you feel less anxious about getting things wrong, and you knew you could always count on him. But there was one thing that no one had thought to mention. Not your friends, not your books, not even Roger.  

Your usual dynamic was not so easy to maintain once your son was born. At first you didn’t really notice. Sex was the furthest thing from your mind as you worked out how to be a mother. Your body still hurt from the process of being pregnant and then going through labour. You were constantly exhausted, unable to shower as frequently as you had before giving birth, and your mood fluctuated constantly. Even after you stopped feeling so sore and started feeling a little horny, you and Roger were usually much too tired to actually do anything. But your dynamic had never just been about the sex. The biggest part for you was the comfort of being taken care of, especially while you’d been pregnant. But now both of you had a baby to focus all that affection and care onto.  

The weeks passed and it began to become clearer that your dynamic wasn’t quite what it used to be, but the differences were hard to pinpoint. Your son was getting better about sleeping, which meant you weren’t always as worn out anymore. Feeding was easier, and you’d got the bath time routine down to an art. And Roger was still loving and sweet, just not in quite the way you wanted. It made you feel bad sometimes, worried you were being too selfish. You were thrilled Roger was so hands-on and such a good dad. But you needed more than a few quick kisses and his fingers brushing your hair back when you fell asleep on the couch. You missed the stern way he’d talk to you when you didn’t prioritise your own wellbeing, the way he made you feel so safe and relaxed because you knew he was looking after you. He was still getting what he needed, the sense of control and the opportunity to be a caregiver for someone else. But you were also playing that roll and rarely had a chance to let it drop. And as it all became clearer to you, Roger too began to put together that something was amiss.  

A few months after you’d given birth he decided to surprise you. He’d been watching closely, paying attention to indications of your stress and discontent. At first he’d put it down to postpartum depression or at least stresses of new motherhood. He’d tried to help you as much as he could by taking the baby off your hands so you could rest and just generally being supportive, but that didn’t really seem to help as much as he expected it to. Your mood was still off, you would snap at him more frequently, and he could see the tension in your shoulders. It took a lot of consideration, thinking back to what you’d been like before the birth, as well as a couple of conversations with trusted friends, before he put the pieces together and realised he’d been neglecting you. So he organised something special to make it up to you.   “I’ve got a surprise for you. Tonight.”  “A surprise?” you asked, confused at what had brought it on and what he could possibly have planned.  “Your mum is going to stay the night.”  You frowned in confusion, “Okay? Why?”  “She’s going to look after bub so we can have a night to ourselves. I booked us a hotel.” When you kept staring at him Roger continued, “I thought it might be nice to just have some time for the two of us. I think we need it.”  The rational part of your mind recognised the gesture for what it was – a display of love, a way to show he wasn’t just thinking of the baby. But you were tired, and annoyed, and you’d have preferred to be consulted before Roger called in your mother. “Are you kidding? Have you seen the state of this place? Now I have to add a bunch of cleaning into my day to make the house presentable.”  “Your mum isn’t going to care about that.”  You ignored what you knew to be a valid point, “And I’m not even sure I’m ready to be away from my son for that long yet. He’s still breastfeeding Rog. I can pump and leave some bottles but what if he won’t drink from them?” Before Roger could interrupt you continued, “And a hotel? Really? Pretty fucking presumptive don’t you think.”  As if he’d sensed your mood, the baby started wailing from his cot.   “Y/N, c’mon. You need this.”  “What do I need, Roger? Your cock?”  “That’s not what I-”  “I can’t do this right now,” you sighed, hurrying to check on the baby. The front door crashed while you were rocking him and you assumed Roger had left. 

If you’d thought that was the end of it, you were wrong. Roger returned a few hours later having cooled off, and headed straight up to your bedroom. You hated that you’d argued when you knew he was just trying to do something nice for you and so followed, hoping to smooth things over. But when you reached him he had two overnight backs out and was packing clothes into them. A wave of panic made your breath catch and you steadied yourself with a hand on the doorframe, worried he was leaving you. Until you noticed that half the clothes he was packing were yours.  “What are you doing?” You hoped you sounded more curious than accusatory, wanting to avoid another fight.   “I told you before, we’re going to a hotel tonight.”  “Roger I-”  “No, listen Y/N. This isn’t about sex. I can’t be the only one to notice how tense it’s been lately. I’ve been wracking my brains trying to work out why and I think I figured it out. I’ve been so focused on being a good dada to him that I haven’t been a very good Daddy to you. I mean I’ve been trying to help...”  “It’s okay Rog, we have a pretty good reason our attention’s not been on it and you have been so helpful.”  “Let me finish Y/N. I know having a baby isn’t easy, I know how much you’re dealing with, and I think you could use a night away from all the pressure. I want to look after you properly. So I thought it would be easiest to get out of the house. We can order room service and cuddle up in front of the telly. If you want anything physical, you know I’m happy to provide that. And if not, we can just talk, maybe try and figure out how this thing works now that we have a kid. Okay?”  You felt yourself welling up before Roger had even got to the end of his speech and all you could do was nod in agreement, relieved more than anything else.  “Good girl. Now go and get our toothbrushes for me and anything else you want to bring. Your mum’ll be here soon.”  When he gave the direction, his voice had taken on the once-familiar commanding tone you’d not heard for so long. It felt so nice to let him take the lead again, to give up some control to him, and you couldn’t help but smile as you ran to obey his order. Roger was right, you did need a night off and some time to discuss how to make all the complicated pieces of your relationship fit together properly. Plus the idea of being able to have a long hot bath, and a really good dinner was beyond exciting.  

Roger was smiling too when you brought him the toothbrushes, his soft gaze meeting yours as he took them from you and tucked them into his bag.   “Anything else?” you asked, keen for another taste of submission.  “Just one thing.”  You giggled as he tugged you close, fitting his lips to yours in a deep kiss. The kind you’d not had for far too long. You were interrupted by your mother arriving, the evening punctuated by first the buzz of the doorbell and then by the startled cry of your son.   “I’ll get bub,” Roger said tracing his thumb over the corner of your mouth, “You go let your mum in before she rings that bloody bell again.”  You nodded and rushed to the door thinking that, if he kept kissing you like that, you might need something other than talk.  

[yonderlad]

I cleaned a corner of our kitchen today.

I know that doesn't sound like much, and a few years ago, when I worked in kitchens full time, I would have scoffed at that. "Oh you cleaned a corner of your home kitchen? I've just washed up after we cooked and served for 300 people."

But I've not been quite the same person over the last few years. I can, like most people I think, probably say I've not been the same person since before Covid. Or even earlier, January 2020, when I had my first public meltdown that would become many a week. Maybe that's when I stopped my growth and healing and started to decline again.

This last year, especially, has been hard. The stability of living in a place where they couldn't kick you out, was always balanced by the fear of not being able to pay rent. Or that it would be rice for dinner for a few days until the paycheque came in.

And then my body failed me. I try not to use language where I blame my body for doing it's best - try to think of a body "failing" me only if and when I die - but this really did feel like a betrayal. A body that used to carry me 10,000 steps before dawn, that could walk 12 miles a day for fun, was suddenly barely able to carry me out of bed. Couldn't tie my shoes for me, or shower.

Couldn't cook dinner. Couldn't clean.

I am...very lucky. In this life, I have a wonderful, most adoring fiancé who, when I say "how do you put up with me?" says "I'm not putting up with anything, I love you." Who has tirelessly worked the 45 hours of physical labour, versus my 16 hour desk job, and then still, without complaint and with endless kindness, come home to feed me, dress me, and wash me. I would not have made it through without them, before we even touch on the love we have for each other, and the happiness we bring.

We got my medication sorted in September, and it would be foolish to ignore the effect it has had on me. I am less fatigued, no longer taking naps daily after work, no longer routinely sleeping fourteen hours. I feel brighter, my nails are no longer peeling, my arms no longer getting pins and needles after moments.

But it hasn't fixed everything. And it's starting to look like it never will.

The pain prevails, joints flaring up at any given moment into pain, or stiffness. I cannot shake the numbness that sinks into my thigh if I stand for too long, leaving no sensation except pressure.

I'm still tired. I still catch up on sleep on my days off.

But today, for the first time in months, I made food. I cooked. Once my greatest hobby and my job, since lost to me, this evening I regained a little of my dignity and myself back. My partner still chopped the vegetables, the slap-chop we bought to make their - our- lives easier making quick work of onion, carrot, peppers. But I sautéd and seasoned and stirred. I checked the tomato puree was still good in the old way I used to that always made people laugh. I added a splash of balsamic - not in the recipe, but at home in nearly every tomato based dish - and deglazed a pan in improvised glory.

And then I cleaned down after myself. Put the toaster away, wiped the counter tops until they gleamed, put the frying pan in the sink.

And I can only see it as progress. And that can only bring me joy.

[ageofbajabule]

Dear Patience | Part Four

Jake Kiszka x F! Reader

Warnings: 18+ NO MINORS!! Arguing, alcohol consumption. Fluff

Word Count: 2.8k (It’s shorter than the other parts previously. It’s nearing the end of the series and my writers block was really kicking my ass)

Summary: 2020-2021 Time jump, and some very emotional moments.

Author’s Note: Hey y’all!! Here is part 4, this is a bit shorter than I wanted it. But I’m nearing the end of this series, I really think part 5 will be the end, or part 6 I’m still deciding as I write. So please bare with me🤍

Dear Patience Masterlist

General Masterlist

Apple Music Playlist

Spotify Playlist

The sound of your alarm was going off. 8am. “Shit!” You shot up from your bed, seeing Jake sleeping peacefully on your bed. You crawled over to kiss his cheek. “Hey… Jakey…” You whispered in his ear, making him groan. “What is it?” He shifted to look at you, “I have to get ready for class. I need to be there in order to graduate early this year…” You smiled softly, he got up kissing your lips softly. “Alright, I should probably head back home anyways. Josh has been wanting us at the studio by 9am ever since we started working on the album.”

Jake got up from your bed, putting his clothes back and getting his things together. You smiled, grabbing a robe to put on, walking up to him. “Will you call me later?” You looked up at him, he nodded. “I’ll talk to you as soon as we’re done darlin.” He kissed your forehead. And walked out your apartment leaving you to your lonesome self.

You headed to the bathroom to start the shower, and waited till it was at the perfect temperature to get in. Throughout your shower you exfoliated and shaved like your normal routine. And washed your hair and body. After a good 15 minutes spent in there, you got out blow drying your hair before throwing it up in a messy bun. Grabbing a pair of comfy clothes, to head off to your morning classes.

Luckily you only had two more months left of this hell. It felt like an eternity, but wanting to graduate early meant taking up more classes.

Your day was going by like any other, Mr. Zovaks seminar was an absolute bore. But of course you needed a good recommendation letter for the job you were hoping to get after graduation.

“Y/N!” You heard your friend Emily calling you. You turned around to face her, “Hey Em, what’s up?” Emily got close to you, “What’s going on with you and Sam? I haven’t seen him around.” You sighed, “Sam and I have broken up. It’s for the better anyways… He’s focusing on music, and I’m focusing on this…” You hated having to lie, but you didn’t want her to know what Sam had truly done. “Aw, I’m sorry babes… I’m sure everything will work in the end.” You nodded, smiling, “Hey, do you think Mr. Zovak is gonna lecture us on that stupid book?” You giggled.

Emily nodded to you, “Why wouldn’t he, especially in his monotone voice…” She groaned hearing the door to the classroom open, revealing the professor himself coming in. Here we go.

Throughout the lecture you took notes, and shared thoughts with the class. And before you knew it, class was practically over. After class Mr. Zovak called you over to hand you your recommendation letter. “Miss Y/L/N, I must say. You will do excellent in your career. You are a brilliant writer.” He complimented your work, “Thank you Mr. Zovak, I’m really hoping this publishing company in Nashville accepts my application…” You smiled softly. “I believe you’ll end up in good hands there. Good luck.” He went back to cleaning up his desk area, you then left the classroom.

On your way back to your apartment you had received a phone call from Emily.

You: Hey Em, what's up?

Em: Have you seen twitter yet?

You: No, why what’s going on there…

You put Em on speaker and went to look at twitter.

Em: Jake’s got a new girl, I didn’t even know he had a heart to give like that.

That’s when your feed refreshed and surely enough Jake’s arm was snaked around the mystery woman’s waist. You felt tears build up.

You: Good for him, hopefully he doesn’t break her heart.. Em I’ll talk to you later, I have to finish up some work for some classes.

Em: Alright, I’ll talk to you later Y/N.

Why would he do this to you? Were you just a joke to him, an easy lay? Maybe it was just in the boys' nature to be such assholes. You carried on with your night finishing up work for classes, keeping in contact with the job opportunity waiting for you in Nashville.

Then you heard a knock on your door, you shot up from your couch looking through the peephole. It was Jake on the other side. You opened the door, revealing him in front of you. “Hey Dar-“ You cut him off, “Don’t darlin’ me, how could you Jake!” You yelled at him, he frowned. “You weren’t supposed to find out like this, and it’s more complicated than you think.” He walked in trying to hold your hands, you yanked them from him. “Complicated! It looks pretty blunt to me. Jacob, you're dating someone! A very beautiful girl, who probably has no idea who I am, and that you just fucked me.” You started to cry, “Y/N, I love you…” “Save it. You never loved me, all I ever was to you was someone to play mind games with. You will never change…” You felt you fists clench.

“Please just give me a chance.” “Jacob. No. Just, just get out. Pretend like I never existed and that you never cared… As a matter of fact, that goes for all of you. Don’t contact me ever again…” You started to push him out, “But Y/N!” You slammed the door on his face, you could hear him hit the door as you locked it.

This was the last you heard from him, from any of the guys. You kept Danny’s contact in your phone, but as far as the rest of them. Gone. Deleted. You just focused on yourself.

Summer of 2021

A world pandemic had hit back in early 2020 making graduation an unusual experience, and your move to Nashville quite difficult. Since then, you’ve been making quite the reputation for yourself while living here. You loved your job, attending concerts, taking photos and interviewing artists. It was all you could ever dream of. There were times where you felt alone, all your family was back in Michigan while you were on your lonesome self in a big city.

However you kept yourself busy with writing and taking up some side gigs to photograph weddings and family shoots. You were never really home, you were constantly out with the traveling your job brought you. And when you were home it was just to catch up on sleep and spend time with some friends.

There was a new gig offered to you for this week. A show back to back, you couldn’t turn it down. Especially since you were asked to interview the band, and take some photos for the magazine. You weren’t told who the band was, most times it wasn’t announced until the day of, or when you arrived. It built up the excitement for you, leaving it a mystery.

The show was taking place at the Firstbank Amphitheater. Beautiful venue, you showed up to get your all access badge. “Hi I’m here for the show tonight, I’m from Nashville Music Guide. I’m conducting an interview and taking some photos of the band.” You smiled at the lady at the front entrance, she nodded. “Just need to see your confirmation and then I can bring you back.” You smiled, pulling out your work badge and work paper.

She then brought you past the gates, handing you your all access badge. “There is a lobby over there if you’d like to help yourself to coffee, water, and whatever appetizers. Their manager should be out shortly to discuss whatever before meeting them.” The lady smiled at you, leaving you on your own. You grabbed a water bottle, taking a sip from it looking around the lobby to see if there were any signs of who was performing. But nothing yet.

Then you heard footsteps coming your way, “Hello! You must be one of the writers from Nashville Music Guide.” You turned around to face who you presume is the band's manager, “Yes, yes I am. I’m Y/N, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” You put your hand out to shake his, which he kindly shook. “The guys are just finishing up getting changed, they are to be on in an hour, and this interview should take about 40 minutes.” He said to you, you nodded in response. “And I will be sure not to go over.” You giggled softly, “Alright if you would follow me this way, we have an area set up for you all to sit.”

You sat in a chair across from a couch in the room. You got your tape recorder out and notepad to write down whatever responses they have to your questions. After about 5 minutes you heard footsteps approaching, you looked up to see the 4 guys you grew up with. “Y/N?” Danny looked at you, “Hi guys.” You smiled softly trying to not make it obvious that this was awkward. “It’s so nice to see you, how have you been?” He pulled you in for a hug, you hugged him back. “I’m good, I've been working a lot lately.” You giggled, “That’s amazing, really dove into writing and photography huh?” He chuckled softly, “It’s really nice to see you Y/N!” Josh chimed in hugging you, you hugged back.

“This is just crazy! I can’t believe you guys are performing tonight. Album is completed?” You smiled, “Yeah, we released it back in April. And now we’re debuting it for some shows.” Sam chipped in, he cut his hair. All the guys looked great after not seeing them for a year and a half. “I think it is our greatest work yet.” Jake smiled. “Well if you guys would sit, and we can start this interview. Your manager told me you’re on a time limit, and I don’t want to overstep…”

The guys all nodded and sat down across from you. You caught a glimpse at Jake. He looked good, and definitely changed his style a bit since the last time you saw them. Throughout the interview you asked basic questions in regards to their new album, upcoming shows and what not. And also asked some silly little questionnaires for the paper. Overall you all had a good time, even caught up a bit in the midst of it all.

“Alright guys, I think that’s all I need. Thank you all so much for your time. This has been great.” You smiled at them all, catching Jake staring at you. “Don’t worry this won’t be the last time you see me, I’ll be photographing tonight and tomorrow’s show.” You smiled at them, “Maybe after the show we can all get together.” Danny chirped, “If you’re all okay with that, I’d love to.” You smiled. Josh, Sam and Danny said their yes’s and Jake nodded in agreement. He stayed silent for most of the interview and time you were together in the same room.

The guys had left the room, leaving you to gather your things and put them in your bag. You set up your camera gear, and made your way to where the other photographers were. This venue was gorgeous and so many people were here. You were impressed with how far they’ve come.

Throughout the first two songs you took pictures of all the guys making sure they were good shots as well. You loved this part of your job. It was a passion really. After you got your pictures, you hung out off to the side stage to watch the remainder of the show. Their new music was definitely brilliant work, and you couldn’t believe all of the work they put into it.

After the show was over the guys met up with you taking you back with them. They all had gotten showers and decided on going out to a bar, you had agreed to join them. You left your work stuff in your car and decided to drive over and meet the guys at the bar. Once you arrived you got out and met them outside the building and walked in together.

“I really appreciate you coming out with us. I’ve definitely missed hanging out with my best friend.” Danny pulled you in for a side hug. “I’ve missed it too. I’m sorry for going M.I.A.” You looked up at him, “Hey, no need to apologize. I get it, you were going through a difficult break up with Sammy. But I swear to you, he’s worked on himself since then. You should really talk and make amends at some point.” He smiled softly and you nodded.

You all sat at a table in a corner ordering drinks and shots. You guys were catching up, filling them in on what you’ve been doing where you live and etc. The guys filled you in on them moving to Nashville this fall to be closer to their recording studio, which made you happy knowing you would have people that felt close to home.

Going up to the jukebox to play some music Sam joined you. “Hey bug… I just want to formally apologize for the way I acted. You never deserved that kind of treatment and I never wanted us to end on bad terms. I miss my best friend…” He looked at you. “Sam, I know. And I’m sorry for going ghost on you. You didn’t deserve that either… I was just, really going through it. And didn’t know how to cope any other way. I just want to move past it all…” You smiled at him, “So are we good?” You asked him, “Of course bug.” He pulled you in for a hug.

When you hugged Sam you saw Jake peeking over from the table, he was watching the two of you. But when he caught your eyes he looked away. You departed from the hug and picked some songs with Sam to play in the bar.

The remainder of the night was fun, filled with dancing, drinking and singing. Drunk singing to be exact. But it was time to head out as the bar did last calls. You had sobered up to drive home, but before leaving you made sure to get all of the guys new contacts. They all started to make their ways to the hotel they were staying at, but Jake stayed behind.

“Y/N…” You were walking but stopped and turned around. “Yeah Jake…” You looked up at him, “I just, I just want to talk… If you will hear me out.” He looked at you, fidgeting with his belt loop. “I’m all ears…” You held onto your sweater. “I’m really sorry for being a dick and treating you the way I did all these years… I just. I never know how to express myself, and all I’ve ever been good at is fucking up any good thing that ever comes my way…” “Jake that’s not true, you’re doing great with music.” You smiled softly at him, “No, this doesn’t have to do with that. I let my ego get to me and pushed you out… And I know you will probably never forgive me for that, and I completely understand. But I just want you to know how sorry I am.”

You could see the tears in his eyes, “Jake. I’m…” You started to choke on your words as tears formed, “I’m so sorry for not giving you the chance to speak that night… I was just so angry.” He looked at you, “I know, I’ll never forget the look of hurt on your face… I really let you down that night. I’ll never forgive myself for it.” He sighed, “I really appreciate you coming to talk to me, and clearing this…” You hugged him tightly, “Thank you, for giving me the opportunity.” He hugged back tightly and kissed the top of your head. “Would you want to get together sometime to discuss things some more?” He looked at you, “I would like that Jake.”

After your conversation the two of you remained in touch letting the boys finish their small debut tour and press releases. You had gotten close again with all the guys, it's like you never left.

4 Months Later

They boys had officially moved to Nashville, Jake and Josh had bought a house together. And Sam and Danny got their own place as well. You had shown them around town to get them comfortable in the area, not like they’ve never been here before but to show them the best places to eat and such.

Jake had texted you one evening.

Captain Jake: Hey, are you free Saturday night? :)

You: Yeah, did you have something in mind?

Captain Jake: I was thinking about dinner at my place? Josh and the guys are going out, and I’m really looking forward to that conversation I wanted to have with you.

You: Yeah, absolutely. Do you want me to bring anything? :)

Captain Jake: Just yourself and that delicious apple pie you used to make for us back at home.

You: Alright! I will be sure to do that, I’ll see you this weekend Jake :)

Captain Jake: See you Saturday darlin :)

[yakultii]

drop the 2020 skin and hair routine pls

ofc <3

all from the ordinary brand skincare - squalane cleanser, any toner, any serum, eye cream/serum, moisturiser, cold pressed Moroccan argan oil + aus cancer council sunscreen or any spf50+ (which I’ve been using every day this yr anyway bc my family keep dropping dead from melanoma/aussie tings) + the ordinary silicon primer (I don’t use it as makeup primer bc I don’t wear makeup I just use on its own, trust!!) all in that order !! morning and night (or just once if don’t remember)

in reality just cleanser, serum, moisturiser and sunscreen will be more than effective ! but im just tryna look like I did back then lmao

as for hair, I have thick naturally wavy/curlyISH hair so I use shea moisture coconut & hibiscus shampoo and conditioner (the orange bottles), only wash ur hair once a week to not strip it off all its oils, then use shea moisture leave in (either the white or blue bottle) which I just do every night after shower so hair stay soft and then make sure not to dry hair with a towel but instead use a tshirt material and scrunch upwards to dry (or if gonna wrap the Tshirt around hair and leave make sure to not wrap ur hair into the twist bit but instead leave it scrunched all on top if that makes sense) and sometimes when feel necessary add the same argan oil from skincare to ends of hair for moisture and to style when still damp add in a little shea moisture curl enhancing smoothie (the orange one) and keep scrunching dry while retaining as much moisture as can (ofc this is just for wavy/curly hair idk bout others)

Ik this all seems kinda excessive which it kinda is but I’m just replicating what I did back then when I was bored in lockdown and both my skin and hair slayed the hardest they ever have and also I have no hobbies so I have time plus my appearance has been floppin these past few yrs in general (in saying that I’ve not been taking care of myself at all for yrs so that’s probs partly why but also before 2020 I never rlly took care of myself and still kinda slayed but I think that’s just called youth idk) so what’s a gurl to do + it’s good self care time ! I’ve never rlly been a beauty person myself but after experiencing the results back then trust it’s worth it hehe u just gotta be consistent but we will see how long it lasts bc it’s only day 2 lmao I hope this helps <3

OH ALSO my hair should have literally fried off considering how many times it was boxed dyed over the recent years but thankfully it never has all thanks to FINO hair mask !!!!! TSUBAKI hair mask is good also but I prefer the effect of FINO - they are both Japanese hair masks and pretty inexpensive for the results so thank me later

[she-karev]

April and Amber Argue

Age Rating: 12+

Chapters: One of One

Fandom: Grey’s Anatomy

Canon Episode: Season 17 Episode 5

Summary: Amber reveals to April about her night with DeLuca causing April to take out her conflicting feelings for Jackson out on her calling Amber selfish and destructive resulting in Amber insulting her back.

Words: 2861

April 26th, 2020

Amber is back in Jackson Avery’s penthouse feeling the wind touch her face as she leans forward on the balcony railing overlooking the city at night. It’s her first day back in her temporary home since her covid quarantine ended. Normally on a good day like today she would be celebrating or at the very least be happy to be healthy but instead she has an inner conflict that has been ongoing since she and Andrew DeLuca stepped out of that hotel room after spending the night together.

When she allowed herself to fully embrace him, she was so sure of herself and confident it was what she wanted. Amber wanted it very much because DeLuca has been taking care of her these past two weeks and overtime she’s come to appreciate his company during isolation. She didn’t think she wanted to be close to him like that again but when he took a shower in her bathroom she couldn’t resist. It was like all her memories of how he treated her over the past year left her brain and instead she felt around him how she used to before his mental breakdown.

But now she’s out of the room and all those memories came flooding back and she remembered why she is so reluctant to get back together with him. She remembered that while Andrew is more stable and taking his meds, she doesn’t fully feel like she can trust him and make herself vulnerable around him like she used to.

Her mom would be stable for a while too and then she would slip because something or someone would cause her to break. In those moments Amber had a front row seat to the delusions and aggression that unfortunately comes with schizophrenia. It frustrated Amber that she would always come second in her mother’s fractured mind, and it happened again when DeLuca was showing symptoms and would either lash out or ignore Amber completely.

And when her sweet older brother, Aaron, inherited the illness Amber was his first target during his first psychotic episode. It was a hard recovery after he beat her so bad she had to have surgery on her jaw. And it was especially hard for her to trust him around her. But she saw his regret and heartbreak the first time he visited her at their uncle’s three months after she was discharged. It was heart wrenching for her when he kneeled down seeing the post op bruises on her jaw and cried on her lap for ten minutes straight. He did something their mother never did with them, beg for forgiveness.

She could see her brother was doing the work to make sure he wouldn’t end up like their mother. He went from being a mover to a local courier so he can set up a steady routine for himself. He takes his meds every day and attends therapy with a doctor they like once a week. It was hard at first for him but he managed.

It got so to the point where he manages a moving business with a coworker friend of his. He gets to work behind a desk instead of driving around the city for hours. Aaron even met a kindergarten teacher named Emma four years ago and they married a year later and had two sons after that. Seeing him do so well and being a better parent than both of theirs combined had Amber forgive him completely and they keep in touch even while she’s in Seattle and he’s back in Iowa.

When he called her back in January she broke down in tears and confessed to him about Andrew’s mania and him kicking her out. He responded angry for her offering to come down and kick his ass. She rejected the offer knowing a duel between DeLuca and Aaron would end with her ex in a body bag. He told her she deserved better, and that DeLuca was an idiot to let her go. It made her feel better but not enough to quash the heartbreak.

Her phone rings and she picks it up and sees on the screen Mom’s name pop up to her displeasure. Amber has been dodging her mother’s calls since this year began. Being around Andrew and his chaotic mental illness triggered all the bad memories with her mother and made her reluctant to answer her phone. She could guess Aaron told their mom about the breakup and probably the covid and she wants to reach out as well. But Amber wasn’t in the mood instead opting for messages through Aaron knowing her mom doesn’t text. She hangs up the phone and puts it back in her pocket.

“Not picking up?” Amber turns to find April Kepner behind her with a comforting grin holding a bottle of whiskey in one hand and two straight up glasses in the other.

“It’s my mom I owe her a call.” Amber explains peeved before heading to the balcony couch, “And I will…as soon as I get some alcohol in this mouth.”

Amber plops on the couch with April joining her keeping a respectable distance on the armchair by the couch setting the items on the wooden coffee table in front of them.

April uncaps the bottle, “Jackson says sorry for not being here today he wanted to come but he had work today.”

Amber understands as April pours their glasses, “It’s fine I get it.”

“Plus, he’s trying to get Richard to talk to Catherine about wearing a mask.” April sips her glass, “He’s worried about his mom since he saw that picture of her mask dangling from her ear. She drives around town in a car with her driver and she’s immunocompromised, so Jackson is trying to get her to follow the rules so Harriet can grow up with her grandma.”

“Mothers are hard.” Amber supports with an irritated face sipping her drink, “Life is hard, everything is hard.”

April chuckles darkly, “Wow okay Edgar Allan Poe tell us how you really feel. You know for someone who just got a clean bill of health you are morose. More so than usual at least, what’s going on in your end?”

“You don’t want to know trust me.” Amber numbly replies before throwing her drink back and finishing it.

April looks worried for her friend who reaches over for the bottle to pour herself another glass, “Is this about DeLuca? I know he visited a lot when you were in quarantine did he upset you?”

Amber groans softly leaning back on the cushions with her glass in her hands in front of her, “No he didn’t he was…talking to him over the door was the only good thing to come out of this year.”

April nods in understanding, “2020 has been hard on all of us, it makes talking to your charming and stable ex over a hotel door during quarantine seem like Candyland.”

April tells her this out of understanding her friend’s predicament concerning opening themselves up to their exes who hurt them in the past. During Amber’s quarantine April comforted Jackson when he was sad about Amber, and he kissed her. She was shocked at first and told him not to do it again unless he actually wants to be with her.

When he kissed her, it was like a time machine came and took them back to when they were still married. It took them back to the blissful stage of their lives before grief and tragedy destroyed them. It was like they were back to their first night together and for a few seconds April was happy and responded back. Until she remembered their deal when she first moved in and how this hurdle could affect Harriet.

They both agreed then that the kiss was a stupid mistake on their parts that shouldn’t happen again. April wasn’t so sure the kiss was a mistake, but the uncertainty is what stops her from pursuing anything further. It stops her from repeating Montana and driving a bridge between her and Jackson that she can’t have right now. She’s not sure if she wants a relationship with him again but she is sure that she needs him in her life while the world is falling apart. It’s that thought that makes her relate to Amber on what she thinks is her considering DeLuca to be her anchor in the pandemic.

Amber sighs in agony before sipping her liquid courage so she can seek advice from her friend instead of Jackson who will most likely judge her, “It’s not that…I slept with him.”

April stops sipping and her eyes widen at this new information. Amber nods at that with a blank face before continuing.

“It happened last night, I was declared negative, he was examining me and…it was like a force took over and I gave in to him. I mean he has been so good to me while I was sick, he’s talked to me outside the door, he brought me food, he never left my side once. Seeing him like that it wasn’t the Andrew I resented for months now it was…it was like I saw the man I fell in love with.”

April sips her whiskey before responding, “So you two are back together?”

“No.” Amber exclaims before pinching the bridge of her nose in frustration, “I mean maybe I-I don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know?” Amber asks sharply, feeling triggered by her uncertainty as it reminds her of Jackson’s unsureness after Montana and after their recent kiss.

“I mean…” Amber struggles to find the words, “I wish the Andrew who broke my heart and the Andrew I fell in love with were two different people it would makes this so much easier but they’re not. The kind and generous man who got me to open my heart to him and the manic and irrational bastard who compared me to my parents are one and the same and it scares me. It brings me back to the time where I would excuse my mom’s behavior with her illness even when she got me in and out of foster care. My mom lost my trust, and so did he and I don’t know if I can do that again.”

April sighs at this is frustration feeling more sympathetic to DeLuca than to Amber that she makes clear as she coldly states, “Yeah well maybe you should have thought of that before you slept with him.”

Amber is taken back by this ice level statement from April and looks at her in blank shock. She expected comforting words and sympathy instead she’s getting snide comments from someone she considers a close friend.

Amber tries to explain to April who keeps her eyebrows furrowed and her lips in a thin line like she’s annoyed, “Well believe me having sex with him wasn’t part of my plan until I saw him and it became a moment of passion and it was-”

April interrupts rubbing her eyes in anger as she has déjà vu to when she first brought up Montana to Jackson who basically disregarded her feelings about it, “Well passion takes some thinking too Karev and unless you were possessed or passed out then the consequences of your actions are on you, and you should take responsibility instead of making excuses.” 

Amber gets defensive now, “I’m not making excuses I’m just talking to you about my feelings and my conflict about this.”

April pinches the bridge of her nose closing her eyes still frustrated, “If you’re so conflicted then why did you sleep with him in the first place? Why did you put yourself and him in this position when you could have let him walk away? Have you asked yourself that?”

Amber sips her whiskey narrowing her eyes at the interrogation, “I didn’t have time to question myself or him seeing as how we didn’t do a lot of talking last night when both of our needs were met after this isolating month.”

“Oh god don’t use the pandemic as an excuse.” April retorts with venom, “I’m isolating too, and you don’t see me jumping my ex because unlike you I care about the consequences, and I don’t use people like you do.”

“What the hell does that mean?” Amber asks offended.

April wants to stop but her anger towards Jackson’s mixed signals has her taking her frustration on Amber after hearing her put Andrew through the same thing she’s going through, “You know what Amber sometimes you can be self-centered.”

Amber’s eyes widen at that as the red head continues, “I mean you focus on your needs and how something or someone can help you achieve that with no regard for the people you hurt.”

Amber scoffs at her cruelty, “Wow April, I think you hit a 20 on the harshness scale.”

“No what is harsh is you giving DeLuca hope and letting him think you guys are getting back together when you aren’t even sure he’s what you want.” April states factly, “Have you ever considered he has feelings too and how he’ll feel if you break his heart?”

“Of course I have.”

“No, you didn’t” April says with narrow eyes, “You are so caught up in your own point of view that you can’t see it from others especially Andrew’s.”

Amber looks slightly hurt by her desecration of her character, but April continues, “He has had a hard year and not just because of the pandemic. He suffered a mental breakdown, lost the woman he loves, and his home country is dying he doesn’t need you adding more to his plate. He is trying to keep his life and sanity together and you’re willing to sabotage that because you were horny.”

Amber’s mouth gaps open at that and she responds back in fury, “Okay you know what April this has been a really hard time for me and I had a moment of weakness. I saw the man I loved again, and I just wanted one night where everything was okay and after…after that I remembered why we can never work.”

April purses her lips in distaste that pisses Amber off, “What? Do you have something else to say?”

April groans sipping her whiskey, “I will not engage with you further.”

Amber chuckles sarcastically, “You know you think you’re doing me or yourself a favor by zipping it but you started this so you should have the balls to finish it Kepner. I’m here trying to talk to you about my life until you decided to point out everything, I’m doing wrong so come on I’m a big girl I can take it let’s go!”

“You are so caught up in your past you can’t move on.” April tells Amber who shakes her head throwing her hands up annoyed as April continues, “You say that you’ve worked hard to overcome everything your family did to you but if that was true you wouldn’t toss Deluca aside after he got better. He is doing everything to make things right in his life and not end up like his father. He’s taking his meds he’s going to therapy, but you still can’t see that he’s not your mom or your brother. You can’t see that he is the man you love. He’s the one with the mental illness but compared to him you have years of work to do before you can actually be in a stable relationship. And I am sorry Amber, but you are a coward for not seeing what is right in front of you.”

Amber scoffs and goes for the kill, “Oh I’m the coward? I’m the coward for leaving him after being exposed to this trauma again and leaving? You’re calling me out for leaving him when he needed me? That is a real pot kettle Kepner.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” April asks in disbelief.

Amber throws her drink back before getting down to it, “I left him because I couldn’t handle his illness attacking me, but you left Jackson because you couldn’t handle that he needed you after Samuel.”

April looks shocked at her friend going there, “You didn’t think he would need you you didn’t think he was in pain you just thought that he would be okay with you choosing a war zone over your marriage. You left him, he needed you and you left him, and it nearly broke him. Did you ever stop to think that’s why he didn’t bring up Montana until now? Did you ever think that’s the reason he is so reluctant to get back together with you?”

“I cannot believe you would-You know what.” April decides to stop before she hits Amber in the face. She puts her drink down and stands up, “Just forget it I’m going to bed.”

Amber scoffs and has a last word while April walks away, “Yeah great walk away from important things like you always do.” April doesn’t respond instead she goes upstairs leaving Amber in the balcony to drink alone now more angry than conflicted.