#should probably clean this blog i remember being a piece of shit LOL

[slappyquackintosh-blog]

alright here’s the comeback ft. a drawing of my cutest toon Cap’n Pillowfluff

[tellywoodtrash]

immj2 18.10.20 lb

too tired to cap/upload/format, so y'all have to just make do with this mostly-text rant today.

i honestly canot stop laughing at kabir's face at this passionate defence of vansh riddhima is giving.

is it siya again who's spying on riddhima? i don't think so, coz the pov height is too high. they kinda made the pov from a lower angle in the previous two "spying" scenes.

sis indirectly broke up with him. she didn't say the actual words but that's pretty much what she's saying.

hahahahaha hung up on him too.

oh. it was mummy who was spying on riddhima.

why do mummy and kabir get shocked every three days discovering that riddhima's in love with vansh? every time they treat it like they realized it for the firssssst time.

how many times do these ppl do aarti a day???? didn't riddhima already do aarti like half an hour back, now dadi is doing it again.

chunri sambhaaal gori, udi chaliiii jaaye re!

idhar vansh is still lamenting rishte mein bharosa issues and honestly dude, this is just beating a dead horse.

at least he realises that he's being an egotistic dumbass.

“maine iss rishte ko bohut mauke de diye siya, lekin ab main zindagi ke uss maqam pe khada hoon jahan mujhe ek faisla karna hoga.”

lmao what mauke????? what the fuckkkkkkk mauke, my man??? literally list one mauka you've given it. go on, i'm waiting.

siya is like oh lord, what you gonna do. #same

wayward chunri flew all the way outta the house and has managed to lead riddhima on a decent evening walk, all the way to some godown with a statue. i'm guessing it's ragini's? it's proportions are way outta whack and it looks veryyyyy strange.

where is the back of her head???????/

now she's standing here and talking to the bloody statue saying she'll get ragini justice and having flashbacks of moments with vansh WHILE SHE'S LATE FOR THE AARTI SIS HONESTLY WHAT EVEN IS YOUR FUCKING BRAIN

lmao mummy and siya rolled in to the aarti without alerting anyone.

meanwhile riddhima finds a memory card under the statue. ah yes, coz a damp spot under a statue in a dankass storeroom is where you should keep digital storage devices.

i hope vansh planted it there to play this dumbass. i really hope so.

she finallllllllllllyyyy showed up at the aarti. when it's bloody over.

lol mummy is like “shukar hai tum prakat ho gayi, warna main toh soch rahi thi ki tum kahin jasoosi kar rahi thi.” kabir and mummy are honestly The Most Relatable in this show wrt dealing with riddhima.

again, yet another thing she's decided she's not gonna tell vansh. DUDE YOU JUSTTTTTTTTT RESOLVED TO COME CLEAN WITH HIM, LIKE LITERALLY HALF AN HOUR AGO. my goddddddd, this idiotttt girlllllllll.

fwding the ishani angre nonsense.

sis decided to NOT to use vansh's laptop in the previous scene, and now here she is, trying to get into his laptop by guessing his password. i just... smh.

lmao she's literally chanting JAI MATA DIIIIIIIII and typing in one last attempt.

ofc the password was his mom's name. (painting waali. not trishul waali.)

most unrealistic thing here is that he doesn't have any other media player installed and apparently uses the suckyass default windows player. AS IF.

video of a chick (i'm guessing this is ragini?) begging for her life taken from bhind a person who has a gun in their hand.

meanwhile gangsta hubs is taking karwats in neend. idk how the fuck he's even asleep in the first place, with 40,000 lights on in this room.

aaaaand he's up. ohhh boy.

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, that's why they have such high backed chairs in the room. it's so people can hide behind them. what a multi utility piece of furniture!

oh god he's coming towards the chair oh lordddddd.

is his neck/chest skin naturally this clear, or is it foundation????? if it's foundation, THEN WHY CAN'T YOU JUST APPLY THIS SHADE TO HIS FACE YOU GODDAMN FUCKS??????

also how come there's no reflection of her in the window? is she a vampire???

dumbass opened the door facing it from inside, instead of backwards to make it look like she just came in and now she's lying through her teeth.

he's scowling at her bs but looks like he honestly can't be arsed to get into this shit rn so he just goes the fuck back to bed.

oh ho qaatil is lefty.  

lmaoooooooooo how fondly she's smiling while remembering vansh pulling the gun on kabir with his right hand. wifey mode truly be ridiculous.

thank god for small mercies, she decides to watch the entire footage before handing it over to kabir. 0.05% brain usage thanks to maata rani's blessings.

next morning: sis be sneaking around in vansh's kurta and ofcccccccccccc he walks in and there's a highlyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy probable bump and trip and catch.

god, just fuck already.

lmaoooooooooooooooo his face.

oh ho, asking for permission to use his laptop and all. ainvayi, formality ke liye.

vansh decides to give "ek aur" mauka to her wrt bharosa and gives her the password. wouldn't be me. i'd create a whole other account on the laptop. you ain't getting into my account and seeing my deep dark secrets (like the fact that i have a wholeass trashy tellywood blog where i write >1000 words about it daily), no matter how close you are to me.

[ohwhatamessiam]

Self Control - Chapter 11

Summary: Thanksgiving break comes and goes. And it leaves you angry, wondering how much Chris really cares about you. Will he prove that he wants this, or will he let your spark burn out?

Pairing: Professor!Chris Evans X TA!Reader

Word Count: 4.1k

Warnings: Language, angst, lots of pain (the tweets from Brandon outlined this turn of events), I’m really sorry but y’all are gonna hate me for this one.

A/N: Hi everyone! I made it back for an update under 9 months this time (barely lol). There’s only 2 more chapters left in Self Control, and you guys will probably hate me for them, but this is the path we’re on together! Thank you all for your patience, and thank you to @fangirlisms-22. I have started on the next chapter but knowing me, it’ll be a while before it’s done. I’m going to ask y’all to be patient again. I tried to tag everyone, but some blogs have deactivated, changed urls, or won’t let me tag them. Let me know if you need me to change your url on my list. Here’s the Spotify playlist for the entire fic.

I love feedback, so send me your thoughts, feelings, wishes, etc!

Tags are still barely open for this story, so send me an ask here to be added to it or my permanent list!

Self Control | Masterlist

A week of radio silence goes by and you’re left alone with your thoughts. And lonely, desperate thoughts are not your friends. 

You try to stay in for the weekend, telling yourself that the distance is for the best. It’s giving you time to work on your story. You tear that piece to shreds and stitch it back together 10 times over. Your heart is starting to feel that same way.

Wednesday afternoon you realize you’ve run completely out of your grad student food staples: mac and cheese, tortillas, shredded cheese, peanut butter, and milk. And there’s only one box of cereal left on top of your fridge. Corn flakes. The bland cereal Chris loved so much. 

You can’t bring yourself to touch it. 

Forcing your body into a pair of sweatpants and shoes, you leave the apartment. The sun feels too bright for your sensitized eyes, and the temperature is much colder than you planned for, but you know better than to turn back. If you go back, you won’t come out until you have to see him after break.

As you pull into the grocery store it finally hits you. It’s already Thanksgiving eve. That much time had slipped away from you.

You trudge through the throngs of people scrambling for last minute items. No one pays any attention to your state of disarray.

Luckily, your basic needs are in stock and you’re able to get what you need without too much difficulty. You’re about to head to the registers when you stop at the liquor aisle. The thought only has to enter your mind before your feet immediately pivot toward the wine section.

You find 3 of the cheapest, most tolerable bottles and are stuffing them in your cart when you hear glass clanking behind you. You turn to find two of the last people you wanted to see.

Sebastian and Dr. Mackie.

“Oh shit,” Sebastian yelps as he tries to balance three separate bottles of liquor in one arm. Dr. Mackie snickers at him as he adds another bottle to their collection. 

You shift quickly, trying to keep your back to them. There’s no need for a conversation on a day like today.

“(Y/N),” Sebastian calls out. 

Your whole body tenses, fingers clenching the cart handle. How did he even know it was you in your chaotic state?

Footsteps approach you and you try to muster the strength to face them. At your best, you gather a forced smile.

“Hi (Y/N),” he grins as he slides up to your cart, Dr. Mackie in tow. 

“Hi guys,” you manage. You catch how Dr. Mackie’s eyes flash to your hair, and then your clothes. You try not to get caught up on how that makes you want to crawl home, with or without groceries. 

“What are you doing in town? It’s Thanksgiving,” Sebastian asks as he tries to pay more attention to his assortment of alcohol instead of your appearance.

“I’m staying here for break. My family’s a little spread out, so it’s hard to pick a side.” You glance over at Dr. Mackie, hoping that answer seems somewhat believable. 

He seems to buy it as he nods, “I get that.”

You’d never seen these men outside of an academic environment, and when you finally notice their current clothing, you feel the tiniest bit better about running into them. Dr. Mackie’s wearing a navy polo and a pair of gray chinos, while Sebastian’s in a pair of black jeans and a red henley.  

Something about seeing even your colleagues out of business casual, made you feel a little special. Like you were welcomed into Chris’s friend group with open arms. Like the relationship you and Chris have could exist both inside and outside of school safely.

Or had.

“If you’re staying in town, why didn’t you answer our email?” Sebastian asks.

“What email?” Your mind is already trying to remember the last time you glanced at your school account. It must have been nearly a week. But why would you check it when clearly staring at your text messages and voicemails from Chris had been filling your weaker moments?

“The one where we reached out to every grad student and faculty member whom had nowhere to go for Thanksgiving, and invited them to a potluck in the Webster hall student lounge?”

Your eyes shift between the men nervously, “Oh, uh, I must have missed that one.”

“That’s okay,” Dr. Mackie answers.

“Well look,” Sebastian continues, “we’re going to have a lot of food, and just need people to eat it now.”

“You could absolutely just bring a bottle of wine and load up a plate.” Dr. Mackie adds as he notices the bottles in your cart. Unfortunately, he doesn’t realize you already have plans to finish those bottles by yourself, and maybe even before Thanksgiving.

“I don’t think I’ll be able to make it.” More like you really hope you never have to leave your apartment again.

“Ah, you already have plans.”

You don’t, but you nod like you do in hopes they’ll back off. 

“Well I’m sure we’ll have leftovers,” Sebastian’s eyes become too sharp as the words leave his mouth, “so if you wanna stop by after you’re done doing whatever you have to do, you’re welcome to.” His tone of voice leaves you surprised he didn’t just outright wink at you.

But apparently he didn’t know yet. Chris hadn’t told him about your “distance.”

“I don’t know if I’ll be able to, but I’ll try.”

“Good,” Dr. Mackie nods, his eyes cutting to Sebastian, clearly trying to get his friend to leave you alone. You know the only time you’ve spent with him was at the faculty dinner, but inside you quietly thank him.

“Yeah, great. And you can bring anyone if you want. Thanksgiving is about sharing.” Sebastian’s eyes stay on yours, still unsubtly trying to communicate that Chris is welcome. Under his gaze, you feel a bubble of tension build in your chest, the precursor to more tears. 

“I won’t bring anyone, but thank you for offering.” You need to get out of here. You will not cry in front of Chris’s friends and colleagues. You drop your focus back onto your grocery cart, trying to stave off the warmth behind your eyes.

“You are very welcome. Seb, we should probably get going now,” Dr. Mackie swoops in for the save. “Whether we see you or not, have a good Thanksgiving (Y/N).” And he’s already guiding Sebastian away from you.

“Thanks, you too,” you call out. They don’t answer, and fortunately they round the corner before the first tear drops.

_______________________________________________________________________

You finish your last bottle of wine late on Thanksgiving. You pick up your phone and nearly dial his number, but just as you reach his name in your contact list, you picture it in your mind.

Him, sitting at a large table covered in all the traditional Thanksgiving dishes. On his right is Jennifer, and she’s beaming. This is her in her element. She’s getting what she wants because Chris won’t tell his family yet that they’re getting divorced. But your mind focuses on the space between them, their joined hands sitting on the table.

You can’t help but throw your phone across the room.

You don’t need confirmation that you’re right, that your fear isn’t imaginary. But you also don’t need to sit around calling him, embarrassing yourself with desperate voice messages that ultimately won’t help your relationship.

You know there has to be something else to fill this void.

And then pull out your laptop and start writing. And it’s a very different story than the one you’ve been working on.

_______________________________________________________________________

The rest of break comes and goes, and somehow you manage to honor the “distance.” Maybe it’s that your sadness has started becoming little pockets of anger, or maybe it’s that you’ve already cried and moped enough. 

But the first day back to classes, you go in with your head held high.

You made it this long without caving and calling, or going to see him. It’ll hurt, but you’ll make it through a class together. You end up being one of the first people in a seat, the students seem to have gotten slower since Thanksgiving break. Lethargic and ready for winter break already.

Winter break was supposed to be when you and Chris could end your distance, your weird work power dynamics would be over and neither of you could lose their job. But what used to feel like a hopeful promise felt like a drawn out execution now. If Thanksgiving had gone even vaguely how you imagined it had for him, you were sure the end was coming. 

Part of what made you love Chris was his heart, his empathy, his willingness to try to see the best in people. And while those traits hadn’t been applied to Jennifer in a while, you were nearly positive they could be again.

Tom comes in at his usual time, but sits at the end of the row behind you. You find that odd, but barely have a moment to dwell on it before Chris arrives. And his face is clean shaven.

A piece of your heart sinks, and you slip further into your chair. 

He avoids eye contact with you until after he has the presentation pulled up on the projector and the rest of the class has filed in. He takes a deep breath, his hands gripping the sides of the podium, and he looks out at the room. But his eyes seem to gloss over the break-hungover students and fall on you.

You feel yourself gulp, but you don’t look away. Not yet. His clothes are nicer, less rumpled than before break. His hair is shorter and slicked back, like it had been at the beginning of the semester. And his wedding ring seems to just catch the fluorescent lights perfectly. 

Everything but his gaze feels foreign. Almost too different than your Chris.

And that’s when you drop your gaze back to your laptop. Of course he’d been home long enough to do laundry and look like his old self again. Maybe it was for his family over break, but maybe it was for Jennifer. 

He watches you for one more moment, and then focuses back on the students. “Good afternoon, class. I hope everyone had a good break.”

Hearing his voice hurts worse than seeing him, but you straighten your spine and get through class. He does not hang his attention on you again, and the only one who seems to notice besides you, is Tom.

_______________________________________________________________________

Your office hours feel like slow torture since you’re left alone with your thoughts about Chris again. And how he looked. And how he barely looked at you.

You wish for a distraction. A student, Robert to come in, or even Tom to show up even though he’d been icy towards you recently. But you get nothing.

So instead, you work on the new piece you started over break. That piece about cycles, and circumstances. About love given, and love lost. About power dynamics and the risks you take when you ignore them. 

Office hours nearly end before you look up. 

And Chris is standing on the other side of your open door, not knocking, but not walking away. You’re not sure what to make of that. 

Is he stopping himself from rushing up to you? Or is he forcing himself to stay there until you say something, until you force him to admit what’s really happening here?

He finally meets your eyes and your heart drops. Just like it had during that awful phone call. And you knew what that meant then, and what that says now.

But you try to fight it. You tell yourself it is just paranoia.

“Hi,” you say, your voice coming out short, trying to hide its shakiness.

“Hi.” Just one word from his lips and your very marrow wants to crawl to him, pleading to forget Thanksgiving break. Forget whatever transpired then. Remember what you had before. What you could have next.

But you stay in your seat and watch him step into your office gingerly. His eyes take in the room, either looking for new evidence in support of your relationship, or looking for a distraction so he doesn’t have to say it. Or at least that’s what it looks like. 

His hands are shoved in his pockets, his shoulders hunched. And it makes this feel even sadder.  He’s resigned to this. Whatever’s coming, he doesn’t really want it. Not fully. 

You can’t take it anymore, you have to end this pointless staring. His at your office, yours waiting for him.

“So, what do you need?”

His face changes, the slightest furrow of his brows, the gentlest sigh. As if you wounded him, rushing him through this moment. A moment you were starting to want over.

He closes your office door, leaving you two alone in a room with so many memories. A room that just a couple weeks ago held what you hoped was the promise of a future.

“We need to talk,” he says, sitting on the edge of the seat across from you. You nod, but don’t say anything. Not until you know what kind of talk this is.

He stares at you for a moment, watching your face, waiting for it to change, shift into something else. But you keep your emotions away from the surface. You’ve had enough time to think about this during your distance.

He finally continues, “This Thanksgiving was tense. A lot happened. A lot was said. But the time apart helped me figure somethings out.”

“Like what?” You watch as his fingers twitch, his eyes roaming you for clues on what you want to hear.

“Like, I’m not the only one who’s been seeing someone else. She wouldn’t tell me who, but I can’t help but feel like it was her way of throwing us in my face.” He pauses, but you don’t break, don’t reach for his hand or tell him he’s right. You wait for the rest.

“And I learned that our families aren’t ready for a divorce yet.” His eyes focus on the edge of your desk. He still won’t stand up to them yet. 

He knows this isn’t fair to you. And he won’t even look you in the eye as he admits it.

“So, where does that leave me?” A fire fuels in your belly, you want to scream at him. You can’t keep living in this state of distance. That he needs to figure out whether he wants you more than he wants to avoid conflict with her and his family.

“As someone I want a future with.” He’s watching your chest now, the way your breath fills your lungs, and you hold it in, praying that he’ll just drop the other shoe. “As someone I could see myself growing old with, living a full, creative life together.”

“But?” 

He hesitates and you try to keep the air moving in and out of your body. You do not have any new breath-held wishes, everything you could ever hope for from this moment has already found a home in your mind. And it is accompanied by all your fears about this relationship, and its end. 

But the way his shoulders slump, and his elbows dig into his knees as he leans on them. The way his head now hangs in his hands. You feel that your fears are unfortunately, closer to this reality.

“But not someone I can have a now with.” 

Your heart felt it coming, and it hurts worse than you ever would have expected.

That fire is in your chest now, beating your lungs, eating the oxygen from them. Like a hit to the gut. There’s no more breath to hold. 

Was this relationship always going to be a waiting game? Or just a dalliance to fill the time?

“This time apart, this distance has already been painful enough, Chris. But I was doing it to protect both of us.”

He raises his head, and his watery eyes catch on your own, “It’s been terrible not seeing you, not talking to you. It’s been painful for me too. But it’s been for the best.”

“Best as in it protects us for our future? Or best as in it allows you to give your marriage another shot?” Will he stop trying to dance his way around this, stop softening this? You need a clear answer on where you stand, and where you are going to be moving forward.

“I- I’m afraid to say both.”

And that hits you with an overwhelming force. Your heart has sunk so far, you are not even sure you have one anymore. You just want to curl into a ball and cry. But instead, you let that fire from before crawl its way into your mouth. “So do you want me to wait around for you? Let you test the waters with Jennifer again until you're sure you want to be with me? Because that’s not what I signed up for with us.”

“I know that, and that’s not what I wanted for us either.” 

“And if I wait any longer, I’m not protecting us anymore. I’m protecting you, and your life, while mine gets boxed away. But what I want should matter too.”

“Y/N, it does,” he whispers, but it doesn’t slow you down.

“Should we still even try to be together? If you’re not sure that this is it, that I am who you should be with, what’s the point? What are we holding out for?”

All the air from the room feels like it has been sucked out. Chris is staring at you like you’ve wrecked his whole world. And inside, it absolutely feels like you’ve just ripped apart your own. But you know it had to be said. 

“Because I love you. And you love me.”

“Is that enough Chris? Because it’s starting to seem like it isn’t anymore.”

He looks at you, eyes wide as his lower lip trembles softly, but you remind yourself to hold your ground. He was the one who’d come in there to tell you he might go back to his wife. He was the one who had already planned on doing this.

“It was, it is. We just need to wait it out. See if Jennifer and Robert will leave us alone.”

“They already know, and so does probably half of the department.” You hope your words aren’t actually true, but between all the conversations you had before break, it sure as hell feels like it. “I’m not staying your secret affair. I’m not your office hours hook up because you can’t tolerate your wife. You either tell me right now that you will fully work on what we have, or you tell me it’s over.”

His eyes are searching your office again, looking for courage, or maybe an excuse. He doesn’t seem to find it, and his focus settles on your joined hands. You clench them together, a silent prayer for the truth. 

“I can’t do either of those things.”

Your breath catches in your throat. You just want a straight goddamn answer. “Chris…”

“I can’t. Because I don’t want to lose you, it hurts so much to be apart from you. But I can’t gamble with the rest of my life, my job, my family. I can’t just ignore them and run away again. It’s not working out for any of us that way.”

You want to snap that it was working out fine for you, but you try not to be more selfish than you already feel. And as well as you were making out, he is right, these last few months hadn’t been perfect. Except you don’t want perfect, you just want a promise to try. A whole-hearted attempt. 

Instead, you stay quiet for a moment, watching him, taking him in. His clearly upset features, his body perched on the edge of his seat. His words are telling you that the one fear you had grown so very close to this entire break, is real. His already established, semi-comfortable life is more important than you, or your happiness. And you had really wanted to be wrong.

“That is my answer.” Your mouth finally moves, saying what you were thinking all along. “Your inability to make a decision is everything I need to know.”

“I didn’t want this to happen (Y/N). I don’t want this to be over.” His hands reach out for yours, searching for a physical connection, a spark. Something that will help him soften this, or make you change your mind.

But it won’t. And you pull your fingers from your desk.

“Then you should have thought about that earlier, Chris. You should have considered whether kissing me in this hallway could ruin your life. That sleeping with me in your office could demolish everything. You should have decided then, if this last 3 months was worth it, to risk it all? Because I decided that then. I decided I wanted you, and this, but I knew I might regret it one day. And you’ve probably proven me right.”

Chris’s eyes latch onto your own, shock lifting his brows so gently. Like you’ve landed the final blow, you knocked him out. But this wasn’t a match for you to win. No, this was a mercy kill. You know now this relationship had to end before it sacrificed what was left of your control, and your sanity.

“I always wanted this. There’s not a single second I’ve regretted it.” His tone comes out rough, as if the anger you’ve let out finally reaches his own gut. And you hope it burns as much for him as it does for you.

“Good for you. But if you really wanted this, why didn’t you tell me about Jennifer’s sudden interest in getting back together earlier? Why didn’t you tell your family that you guys are over? That there’s no hope for your marriage, and that you’re ready to move on? Would you rather have a second chance with her instead of a first, real chance with me?”

You look down at your own hands in your lap, your fingers twisted together. And for a moment you second guess this whole conversation. Is this really how this has to go? “Or at least that’s what I asked myself over and over again during break.”

He stays quiet, his eyes shifting down, settling on his knees. They bounce as his heels tap the floor. His nerves are so raw, that he might just be finally admitting to himself, that this has reached its conclusion. That maybe this was never going to end any differently.

The words leave his mouth so quietly, you almost miss them. “So this is the end then?” 

As much as this already feels like slicing a part of yourself off, you were staying strong. But his tone, its soft resignation, it builds a heat behind your eyes. And your tears threaten to let loose.

“I’ll finish the semester as your TA, but yes. I-” the crack in your voice gives away more than you’ve shown this entire conversation. And his baby blues latch on to it, to you. A final, silent pleading. But you gulp, “I think it is.” 

Inside you are begging for him to say no, it’s not. That he won’t let this be the end. That you are more important than Jennifer, than his family, than anyone’s opinion.

He nods to himself, his eyes squeezing shut. He takes a moment to make himself accept it, and then he pushes himself up.

“I’m sorry this is how we’re ending, (Y/N). I never meant to compromise your feelings or your wants. I didn’t mean to hurt you. But I understand how my intentions have gotten lost in our situation.” He moves to your door, turning his back to you. 

You feel your bottom lip quiver as the tears in your eyes start to bleed out.

“I’m sorry too, Chris.” He hesitates, looking back at you as his hand reaches the door knob. “Goodbye.”

One more quick nod as his gaze drops, attempting to ignore your quiet sob. His fingers push open the door and he whispers, “Goodbye.”

And then he’s gone, and your office hours are over, and you want to be anywhere but here. But as you try to stand, you can’t move yet. This loss feels paralyzing. Your limbs lock in denial, your mind wants to bargain now. But you know it’s too late.

So you sit there, and cry every tear out you can, waiting for the pain to subside. Waiting for your breath to stop shaking. Waiting for you to feel confident in your choices.

And eventually, it does. And you do.

_______________________________________________________________________

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Slashed through names couldn’t be tagged 

[flusteredmountainman]

Since a bitch got sent one (1) ask only about. my ask meme that I created lol I’m going to go through and answer B) all of them bc i can... its selfcare.....

First 3 answers above the cut, other 47 below lmfao

Favourite of the main 6? I think the title of my blog speaks for itself lol

Least favourite of the main 6? Garbage stink piss man (Lucio)

Which of the main 6 do you want to slap the most? The aforementioned piss man but.... also kjaenfjkfea at times. Julian very badly because he’s just Like that but he’d probably enjoy that unfortunately

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Which of the main 6 have the most similar interests to you? (favourite colour, flower, food, drink, season, hobbies etc.) Portia tbh!!! She’s a very sweet spring girl and I also have a fairly similar personality to her. 

Who has the most tragic backstory? Mmmm.....muriel.......... I mean everyone has a pretty sad past but Muriel’s really is something else. The man is Heavily traumatised and I desperately want to give him a hug :(

Favourite side character? Mazelinka.... adopt me challenge kjaefkjnaf. i cant stop thinking about “goat bitch” what a fucking icon

Favourite animal friend?  Faust!!!! shes a good girl!!!

Best/worst of the courtiers? fuck i dont remember any of their names but valerius is. hot basard. worst is vlastomil hands down im kinkshaming anyone who wants to fuck the worm

Fuck, marry, kill (asker’s choice) Well skajfnkajf I’ve shot myself in the foot but. TBH its like. Marry Muriel, fuck everyone else, kill Lucio (full disclosure I only just finished julians upright ending and haven’t played Nadia’s yet so this may change except for wanting to marry Muriel and kill Lucio lol)

Romance or fluff? (Muriel) Fluff!!!!! Muriel deserves all the affection in the whole wide world. He gets sick? Bundle him up in furs by the fire and cuddle up into him with a good book. You look at him once? he blushes. it really doesnt get fluffier than that ++ a lot of his character arc in general is going to be.... letting himself trust you............. which is. so fucking wholesome

Wild night out or quiet night in? ( Muriel ) Quiet night in lmfao. We’d just hang out inside drinking hot chocolate and talking until we fell asleep propped up against the wall in his tiny house having completely lost track of time. 

Adventure or domesticity? ( Muriel ) I wanna say adventure because. I love travelling! I love going out and trying new things! And Muriel very does Not but I feel like getting him out of his comfort zone would do him some good! Starting small would probably be best, like maybe a tramp or going camping once in a while, then building up to bigger trips to other cities once you’ve convinced him you’ll both be ok as long as you’re prepared.

Cute date to the aquarium/zoo/park or elegant dinner date? ( Muriel ) I already answered this one B) I said: “ Definitely somewhere casual!!! I feel like he’d be most at ease somewhere like the park on a sunny day! Pick a nice grassy spot by a creek and bring a basket and have a really nice, chill picnic, and have a nap together in the early afternoon sun. Go for a walk after and talk about Plants (because i. am a biology student lol)  and generally just have a really relaxing time. Give the man a flower? Tuck it behind his ear? and he’d die kjnaefjnaej. Alternatively….. aquarium………. “

Coffeshop AU, high-school/college AU or modern AU? Give a headcanon about the one you chose jnakfjkjaf coffe shop AUs are so cliched but I actually love them for the settings of meetcutes. You meet Muriel when he’s on his rounds as a part time dog walker around the block and you barrel straight into him coming out of the shop when you’re checking an email, spilling the (now cold) remnants of your beverage all over him. You apologise profusely and he shrugs it off, blushing over your fussing and awkwardly tries to excuse himself. You insist on helping him finish his walk with All these dogs, anyway, you like dogs so it’s no trouble, and he begrudgingly agrees to finish the interaction sooner. You end up having a nice chat with him and notice in the weeks after that he starts coming by the shop without the dogs during the times you’re usually around, even though he doesn’t drink coffee. Your conversations with him during these short interludes quickly become the highlight of your day, and you start to suspect, eventually, that he feels the same :)

If (Muriel) turned up on your doorstep at midnight covered in blood, how would you react? Well I’d clean it off.... of .......course............. ����👀👀

You’re stranded on a desert island; which 2 of the main 6 do you want with you? Muriel of course not only because I adore him but he’s. also a mountain man. Handy. And Asra because hes a good good magic boy and can make sand into water so.... handy. also asra is just an incredibly blessed person so kajefnkjaef

If your apprentice could go back in time and change one thing before the events of the game, what would it be? lucios birth :^)

You’re sick; who do you want to take care of you and why? I think I’m becoming predictable but. Muriel kjaefnkjafnjf you took such good care of him so it’s only fair that he should return the favour. He’s got a surprisingly good bedside manner and is generally just very gentle. Cooks eggs and grumbles that you should be taking better care of yourself but when you say thanks for all his help he blushes and kinda. stands up slightly straighter bc hes secretly happy he can Help

If you were trapped in an elevator with one character for 8 hours, who would you want it to be and why? Jojaefafjoafe ok so. Porbably Portia because she seems 1. one of the least likely to panic and 2. Would have fucking great conversation the whole time. 

Give a headcanon about Nadia She loves romcoms!!!! She would never ever admit it to anyone though, but she’s a huge sucker for romance stories in general. Cries at the end of mamma mia. Uses it as an excuse to snuggle all the way into your shoulder.

Give a headcanon about Asra He’s extremely lactose intolerant but he eats it anyway bc hes Chaotic and gives 0 fucks about how bad his guts feel afterwards, the cheese was Worth it dammit (and I say this bc thats also me kjaenfnef)

Give a headcanon about Julian Had a brief stint in his teen years where he unironically identified as sapiosexual

Give a headcanon about Portia She loves playing with hair/having her hair played with! Catch her falling asleep with her head in your lap as you weave your fingers through her hair.

Give a headcanon about Muriel I also already answered this one!:  “ He’d be really into gardening if he knew how! Catch me digging up all the dirt around his house and planting herbs, flowers (*cough* forgetmenots *cough) and other medicinal plants, and some strawberries for when spring comes! “

Give a headcanon about Lucio Unironically identifies as sapiosexual now even though he’s a huge dumbass himself 

Give a headcanon about a side character/the apprentice (asker’s choice) Nadia’s dad gets pegged

Give a popular opinion that you disagree with People calling Muriel a dom. have you. looked at this man. I have to laugh

Give an unpopular opinion Lucio sucks lol

Tarot or zodiac? Zodiac!!! Mostly bc I know exactly 0 things about tarot, I appreciate the aesthetic tho!

What is your patron major arcana? Oh worm I just looked at all the explanations in the wiki and tbh. The empress uh. dragged me with how much I ID with that (both reversed and upright) so akejfkjfae thats mine

Upright or reversed ending? Upright

Ot3? Me x muriel x asra (muriel has 2 hands and 2 tiny partners)

Brotp? jakjefnkanfe i love. portia and julians sibling banter. the good shit

Favourite non-apprentice-based ship? asriel............................. till i die............. (pordia is also fucking god tier)

Is the apprentice you, or your OC? thats just me bich kajefnkjnafe we living our best self indulgent lives 

Tell me about your Apprentice(s) im a big bi mess and i would die for muriel and thats it really

Favourite piece of worldbuilding lore? already answered: “ I really love how much of a shithole Vesuvia is kjbanefknaefk like. No formal process of trial/law? Public executions just being how people Do things? someone fucking help this city lmfao”

Favourite background/location? ok i really love nopal bc of all the cacti but tbh like. really anywhere theres a lot of cool nature? the forest is fucking good

The Forest or Nopal? bring the cacti from nopal to muriel’s hut in the forest and it’s perfect

The Palace or the shop? thheeee shop. i like the palace but i think id get Overwhelmed not being able to just. be in my own space a lot lol

The Rowdy raven or the library? the library with a healthy amount of alcohol lol. 

Favourite sprite?

43. Favourite character design?  I !!!!!!!!! really. love Asra’s design bc of its howl callback but all the designs r fucking cool 44. Best masquerade outfit?    Nadia’s..... glamorous..... 45. Best scene? Muriel. hugging. faust you and asra. hes so fucking wholesome ill cry...... or just straight up both of his books akjenfkjafn 46. Worst Scene? Honestly any containing lucio 47. Favourite song on the soundtrack? I love Crowd hammer! (predictable) but also memory 48. Best tale/bonus content? I dont remember names im terrible but i/ love the muriel one ofc kjneafkjn 49. Best CG?/ 50. Favourite memory?

[masslessobtrusion]

Metamucil

Note: I wrote this over a day and I sometimes write several things at the same time, lose track. I didn’t feel like editing this and pasted what was in the text document. I started taking Metamucil. I’ve never shit better in my life. So smooth, one push, and I feel so clean. I warmed up a piece of pizza. My Dad was mumbling something and I heard my Mom say “we’ve had a good night so far”. My Dad was angry and cussing at something and when my Mom asked him what I said because of her hearing. He barked “I don’t know what the FUCK he said!”.  It’s just like, yup.  Oh, I mentioned satellites were flying over at 7pm this week and my Dad barked “aint gonna see shit!”, interrupting me.  I tried telling my Dad about a YouTube video I saw of people making coolers out of totes and insulation. But the Puggle started screeching so loud at the cat and my Dad started screaming “STFU! Fucking god damn cat!”. The puggle screeches at everything. Not just the cat. But yeah. Usually he threatens to kill the cat but he didn’t say it this time. It still makes me want to cry. It’s so loud. My Dad doesn’t listen to what I say and interrupts me most of the time with some random ignorant shit. But I still have an urge to have conversations with humans.  I want to talk to people. Arielle isn’t talking to me because I made comments about how she works for her dad’s company.  When I said that to Arielle, I was high on benzos. I went through 15mg of clonazepam in 2 days. I have zero tolerance to benzos and last time I did drugs was alcohol on New Years by myself. I think the point I was trying to make was about how she made comments about how I’m always a victim and make excuses. But she has never suffered like I have. I have no safety net. She has multiple safety nets. What would she be doing right now if she didn’t? Who tf knows.  I alluded to her not being able to see the scope of my struggle because she’s an attractive female whose parents supplied her education, multiple shelters, vehicles. As well as her current and future career. She will inherit the business too. Her life so far seems like a vacation because she can always work for her Dad and gets the benefits of having a family business. It’s fucking awesome. Can even live in apartments at the shop if you need. So, she has been able to pursue things that make her happy. Because her basic needs are supplied. She lives a fairly frugal lifestyle.  I think that’s awesome. Her siblings are friends with each other. It’s great.  It wasn’t an insult. She used to be super into eco-feminist stuff and she’s quick to judge people as being bad people. So, I’ve often felt that she has me listed in that bad people department. But I wonder if my carbon footprint is smaller, since I don’t consume much or go anywhere.  Kind of shows how flawed that type of thinking is.  I can’t make thousands on OnlyFans right now. She could if she wanted. She even said she supports people who do. I don’t have an issue with it either.  This angered her for some reason. But instead of talking about it. She shut down the conversation. Put me in time out. Blocked me. That pissed me off. Now, she’s going to act like she’s the victim.  She will barely talk to me or respond.  This is my only “friend”. How fucking pathetic is that? Compared to me. Surrounded by piss with a mouth breathing racist berating me multiple times a day.   I started talking to Arielle after Lauren passed away. I literally had no one to talk to. I dated Arielle briefly in 2011, 2013, and kind of remained friends as I became friends with her brother. Last time I talked to Arielle before Lauren passed was a year prior, when she said she would talk to me regularly for now on in a friendly manner. She asked for my address to write to me. I felt like the only reason she asked for the address was to make sure I wasn’t living in her state still, lol. I was excited and I remember that conversation going well.  I never heard from her until I googled Lauren’s name and saw that her funeral was last week. Arielle knew, but didn’t inform me. Her brother knew too. No one told me. Yeah. That pisses me off. I wrote her brother and I texted Arielle. She said I could keep texting her. I’ve told her about this blog, I’ve sent her many of the same stories.  I guess she has a busy work and social life. She barely responds to me. Barely tells me about her life.  She tells me to get a job and get out of this place. I tell her it’s not that easy. I could use some help, a friend. I need money of course but I’ve never asked for it or received anything from anyone yet. I don’t know what I’d do with money. I’d like to have a van or something where I could just get away from all of the craziness in this house. She became triggered when I mentioned that she has a nice life. I acquired 30 .5mg clonazepam the night before. I took 15mg over 2 days and drank whiskey. When Arielle ghosted me, I started feeling suicidal, took more and more. I was in a loop of anger. In the past, fear of abandonment has been a huge issue in my life. I’ve explained this to Arielle and there have been similar situations before. She was just like. “It’s called respect. I’m not talking to you anymore.”. I don’t know what I sent her. I called her a trust fund kid and told her it’s okay, that’s what parents should do for their kids.  Maybe she’s embarrassed of her families wealth and privilege because the way she presents herself is sort of eco-feminist. I started conversing with her last winter. She has mentioned being concerned about the environment several times. That struck me as such a privileged thing for someone to say. I agree with the sentiment. It’s like saying, “I don’t even look at the cost of things, I just buy it.” around poor people.  But it’s like, hey. Remember me, the guy you’ve been known for 10 years who is a half step away from homelessness, institution, and death? But shows glimpses of the fun loving person you know they’re capable of being?  Arielle was a big reason for why I ended up in the hospital in 2019. I had it in my head that she was going to come visit me. It was my first summer back home. Things weren’t going well with my family. I was drinking. Then, I started doing benzos. Arielle gave me an ultimatum to stop doing drugs or she won’t visit. I never told her I was doing benzos. I don’t know what happened first.  But I tried making plans with so many people for them to flake out and I was feeling betrayed and angry that I moved back here, now I’m stuck.  That’s the darkest couple weeks of my life. I was taking massive doses of benzos. Equivalents of 50mg of xanax/day. Who tf knows. I had hundreds of pills. I was popping a pill every couple of hours. Snapping a bar in half. Arielle cancelled whatever intentions of visiting me. I thought if I sent crazy shit to everyone I knew. Surely, someone would recognize that I’m having a mental breakdown and be nice to me, right? Nope. I ended up with a broken jaw and no treatment for 10 days because I’m a bad poor druggy who deserves to suffer. It’s a long story. I’ll write about it soon. I did tell Arielle I was going to kill myself, I said a lot of mean things to her. I’m lucky she hasn’t filed a restraining order for real. But, the reason she hasn’t is because she has said nice things to me about caring about me. Which is why I talk to her. Because she has said she wants to help and stuff. But she’s either not good at it or just said it due to some sort of pressure to say the right thing.  The hospital was a traumatic and painful experience. I suffered severe injuries due to neglect. I was humiliated, mocked, insulted. That’s the help everyone was telling me to get. Holy shit. It was worse than I feared. The medical system is a fucking joke. Especially if you’re uninsured. I was pretty much tortured and put in jail for 10 days, because I tried to kill myself with a drug overdose. I was charged $50,000+ for it too. Probably more. I don’t know. I never talk to debt collectors. I’ll write about the hospital experience. I said really mean things to Arielle in the week I attempted suicide. I’m embarrassed and it saddens me that I have that much anger and sadness inside of me. But it’s a projection of the abuse I have suffered my entire life at the hands of my parents and others. I still get abused. I don’t want to be here. I didn’t want to move back. But I’m here. But I see her as being of a noble family. While, I am a peasant. Her brother is the same.  She doesn’t understand the suffering I have gone through because she has been so sheltered. Hi, I would like 1 living wage job. I would like to live in one of your properties too. They never offered me help or friendship when I needed it. They knew I was struggling. I told both of them in person when I lived near them.  “The thing that would help me the most. Is just having a friend. Someone to do things with, hang out with. Text me every other week or something”. I’ve said that to both of them in person and in text. I’ve said that to my brothers and all kinds of people. I remember telling that to her brother at the apartment in their Dad’s machine shop. I told him the story about how Lauren overdosed and I almost cried. I told him how messing with heroin was a huge mistake that I regret and I told him that it’s seriously something that you shouldn’t mess around with because it messes with your brain and body in an extreme manner. I remember her brother offered Lauren a job part time. I remember being like, I’ll work there part time. I actually have some experience on a lathe/mill. I always got the vibe that he was attracted to Lauren. He bought adderall from her and paid double what it was worth as a way to help her out. Flex or kindness?  Sent her “I miss you” texts.  This was all in my head leading up to the suicide attempt. I tried talking to Lauren too. It didn’t go well. That was pretty much the last time I talked to her. I actually have the suicide attempt on video. I made a voice recording too. It’s not graphic. You just see me convulse and the TV almost falls over from my body flopping around but I eventually lose consciousness and laid on the floor for about an hour. Then slept on the couch for a little bit more. Wake up and I’m like, oh shit. I need to go to a hospital. Then, my brother wouldn’t take me to the hospital because his friend was coming over, lol.   In a previous entry. I wrote about the piercing high frequency noise I heard and how my jaw clenched down uncontrollably. I said to myself “don’t fight it, just let go” and that’s the last thing I remember. So, yeah. Maybe Arielle shouldn’t ghost me. Maybe I shouldn’t even talk to her. I mean. It was mostly out of desperation and she seemed to kind of be nice but yeah. 

How fucking pathetic is it that this is the only human who will talk to me. I should be grateful to this person. Because I would have nothing without them

I want someone who is going to be nice to me. Tell me things. Talk about things with me. Tell me a joke, an idea. Hey, check this out, want to join me? I’ve spent a lot of time with Arielle. Days together, camping and trips. But I never felt open with her like I did with Lauren. With Arielle, it’s walking on eggshells a lot of the time. Given, we were both much younger when we met. I still feel like she’s pretty similar to how she was when I met her. 

I spent over 3 years with Lauren. We worked together, lived together. I feel like when I talked to Lauren she actually liked me.  If the roles were reversed Holy shit. I would do whatever I could to help her. I would’ve done the same for Lauren. If Lauren or Arielle told me stories of how people abuse her, like I share on here. Holy shit. I would do whatever I could to help in any way possible.  Arielle and her brother could do a lot to help me. It just takes hitting some buttons on a phone. Send me a message or something. But they won’t, because they’re of such a higher status than me. They are willing to let me suffer and die.  Do I deserve this because I am a man or something? Why is there such a huge double standard when it comes to being complacent with the abuse I suffer?

[dirt-goth]

answer all the numbers

[underabr0kensky]

This is fucking long but people seem to like when I do these like surveys

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? Honestly I’m not sure. It’s been quite a while. Probably Lila, but we don’t even talk anymore thankfully lol

2. Are you outgoing or shy? Outgoing normally. Sometimes I’m shy if I’m out of my element.

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? OZGE. Fucking plane tickets are so expensive.

4. Are you easy to get along with? For the most part yeah, but if our views clash I can get kinda opinionated.

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? She’d probably tuck me in and lie down with me and stroke my hair tbh. And maybe force me to drink water :P

6. What kind of people are you attracted to? Anyone who is intelligent, artistic, creative, open-minded, inquisitive, and likes to have conversations.

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? Probably not an “official” relationship, but hey. :)

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? Ahaha, she knows who she is.

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Nope. I’m so open about it some people get uncomfortable though.

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Ozge :). It was about serial killers haha

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “Sammy burgers lol”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? I can’t pink really. But there’s one song by Takeo Ischi about yodeling to chickens that I’m pretty obsessed with.

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? Fucking yes. It’s really relaxing.

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? Luck, yes, sort of. Miracles not so much.

15. What good thing happened this summer? Well, the past summer was easily the worst of my life. But hopefully this one will be better.

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Nah.

17. Do you think there is life on other planets? I think the universe is too fucking huge for us to be alone.

18. Do you still talk to your first crush? Nope, but I still remember her name.

19. Do you like bubble baths? Nah. Gimme a nice hot shower.

20. Do you like your neighbors? I don’t know them. But they have cows that I moo at sometimes.

21. What are you bad habits? Drinking, eating/drinking shitty food, and driving like a fucking maniac.

22. Where would you like to travel? Europe. Specifically Germany. Specifically Berlin. <3

23. Do you have trust issues? Holy shit, yeah.

24. Favorite part of your daily routine? Getting off fucking work.

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? My smile, I suppose. I don’t like it.

26. What do you do when you wake up? Curse god for giving me a job that gets me out of bed at 5 AM.

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? I’m cool with my skin tone.

28. Who are you most comfortable around? Phil, Trey, Ozge, and Sasha.

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? Yeah, usually after they cheated on me. Bitches.

30. Do you ever want to get married? Yes I do.

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail? Yep. It’s tied into a half-pony right now.

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? Emma Stone and Emma Watson.

33. Spell your name with your chin. cvolnnberrt

34. Do you play sports? What sports? I’m into boxing, that’s really it. I like watching football though.

35. Would you rather live without TV or music? TV. I barely watch TV anyway, I’d kill myself without music.

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Yep, a couple of times.

37. What do you say during awkward silences? I usually just let them go, silence is nice.

38. Describe your dream girl/guy? Reference the earlier question that asked what my “type” is or something to that effect. Lucky me, I know someone like that :)

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? I don’t really have a favorite, but I go to Kroger a lot.

40. What do you want to do after high school? I haven’t been in high school since 2011, but back then I just wanted to go to college.

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? No, not everyone.

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? Probably that I’m tired, pissed off, or just sad.

43. Do you smile at strangers? Sometimes, if I’m in a good mood.

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? That’s actually hard. Outer space, but I’d love to go to the ocean floor.

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? My alarm. And a certain person. :)

46. What are you paranoid about? Being alone/being replaced/someone getting bored/tired of me.

47. Have you ever been high? Yeah. I’m not really a fan.

48. Have you ever been drunk? I get drunk a fucking lot.

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? Nah. I haven’t done any super secret spy missions or anything.

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? Black and red plaid.

51. Ever wished you were someone else? Yeah, a few times.

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? My fucking LOCATION.

53. Favourite makeup brand? I don’t wear makeup, son. I’m too cheap for that shit.

54. Favourite store? I dunno. Probably Hastings.

55. Favourite blog? @am-i-evil Seriously she makes really cool gifsets.

56. Favourite colour? Black.

57. Favourite food? Lasagna.

58. Last thing you ate? Mac and cheese.

59. First thing you ate this morning? PB+J.

60. Ever won a competition? For what? Yeah, I’ve won several spelling bees.

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? I got in-school suspension a couple of times for skipping detentions that I got for skipping class. I skipped a lot. Fuck the po po.

62. Been arrested? For what? Nope. We almost got arrested for arson once though because we were tossing Lysol cans into a bonfire and watching them explode.

63. Ever been in love? Yeah, I have.

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? I liked her for like a year, she moved to another county and another school, we randomly ran into each other in Wal-Mart, and we went back to the garden section to talk and ended up kissing. I was 14.

65. Are you hungry right now? Nope, I just ate.

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? I like them as much as my best friends.

67. Facebook or Twitter? Facebook, but I don’t really like either.

68. Twitter or Tumblr? Tumblr motherfucker.

69. Are you watching tv right now? Nope.

70. Names of your bestfriends? Phil, Trey, Ozge.

71. Craving something? What? A trip to Germany and a shot of vodka.

72. What colour are your towels? Tan or grey.

72. How many pillows do you sleep with? Two.

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? Yeah, I have a stuffed Grim Reaper and two stuffed cars.

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? Like 5.

75. Favourite animal? Cat. Or maybe snek.

76. What colour is your underwear? Right now I’m just wearing pajama shorts. No underwear, you pervert.

77. Chocolate or Vanilla? Vanilla.

78. Favourite ice cream flavour? Heath bar.

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? Black.

80. What colour pants? Dark blue.

81. Favourite tv show? House M.D.

82. Favourite movie? Goodfellas.

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? Mean Girls.

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? 21 Jump Street.

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? I don’t remember names. I’m not THAT big a fan.

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? Crush.

87. First person you talked to today? Ozge. :)

88. Last person you talked to today? Also Ozge.

89. Name a person you hate? Logan.

90. Name a person you love? Ozge.

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? There always is.

92. In a fight with someone? Nah, not currently.

93. How many sweatpants do you have? None actually.

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? I think 4.

95. Last movie you watched? The Rookie.

96. Favourite actress? Emma Watson.

97. Favourite actor? RDJ, Johnny Depp, or Leo DiCaprio.

98. Do you tan a lot? I do.

99. Have any pets? Nah, unfortunately.

100. How are you feeling? I’m good :)

101. Do you type fast? Yeah, 200+ words a minute last time I checked.

102. Do you regret anything from your past? Yes, a few things.

103. Can you spell well? I have won spelling bees. I told you this.

104. Do you miss anyone from your past? Yeah, of course I do.

105. Ever been to a bonfire party? Yeah! They’re fun as fuck.

106. Ever broken someone’s heart? I have, unfortunately.

107. Have you ever been on a horse? Mhmm. It was interesting.

108. What should you be doing? Getting ready to pick my dad up.

109. Is something irritating you right now? Yes. It’s fucking hot.

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? I do right now.

111. Do you have trust issues? You asked me this. This is why I have trust issues you piece of shit.

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? I honestly have no idea.

113. What was your childhood nickname? “Bob-o”

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? Yeah, many many times.

115. Do you play the Wii? Nope. I hate Nintendo.

116. Are you listening to music right now? Yes. The chicken yodeling.

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? Yeah!

118. Do you like Chinese food? Sometimes. I’m picky about it.

119. Favourite book? Bag of Bones by Stephen King.

120. Are you afraid of the dark? Nope. I like it.

121. Are you mean? I can be if I’m pissed, but usually I’m nice or so I’m told.

122. Is cheating ever okay? Fucking no.

123. Can you keep white shoes clean? Hell no.

124. Do you believe in love at first sight? Not really, but I definitely believe in mutual attraction/chemistry at first sight.

125. Do you believe in true love? Yes.

126. Are you currently bored? Nah :)

127. What makes you happy? Music, Ozge, food, alcohol.

128. Would you change your name? Nope.

129. What your zodiac sign? Libra.

130. Do you like subway? It’s okay.

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? Well, I mean. I like her back. Soooo. I guess I’d do that.

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? Ozge. You asked me this too, fuckface.

133. Favourite lyrics right now? THE CHICKEN YODELING, DUDE

134. Can you count to one million? Yes, but fuck me I’d get bored.

135. Dumbest lie you ever told? Some stupid shit about my friend having a bad dream when he was rolling around drunk and being loud.

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? Closed. Fuck open doors.

137. How tall are you? 6′

138. Curly or Straight hair? Wavy. Happy medium.

139. Brunette or Blonde? Brunette.

140. Summer or Winter? Summer. I fucking hate cold.

141. Night or Day? Night.

142. Favourite month? October.

143. Are you a vegetarian? Hell no, I am damn near a carnivore.

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? White.

145. Tea or Coffee? Those are both gross.

146. Was today a good day? Yes it was.

147. Mars or Snickers? Snickers.

148. What’s your favourite quote? “I choose to live rather than just exist”

149. Do you believe in ghosts? I’d like to, but I’ve never had any proof.

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? “The Russian prisoners who had been incarcerated in this open-air camp were given no food or water.”

[shawnjacksonsbs]

The balancing of my simplistic complexities.     1-28-18

If I say the word balance, I imagine that most people think of equal amounts of weight on either side of scale with equal amounts of pressure on each side. For me, I picture someone walking a tight rope. In the beginning; lots of ups, downs, sways, and maybe even several falls. With years of practice someone may actually be able to walk from one sky scraper to another or across the Grand Canyon. I’ve seen it done.

So, we decided to start watching the Sons of Anarchy, mainly because the cousin and my son haven’t seen it before, at least not from the beginning. I have, but it is definitely one worth watching again. It’s a great show. As we binge watched the first season in just a few days, I started catching quotes I wanted to use, and thought of so many ways to twist it into something I could make an entry from, then it hit me.

I vaguely remembered writing an entry once before relating to some of the show. It felt like it would have been early on, so I looked. Needless to say, it took me a while to scroll back that far, but I found it, and I read it. If you’d like to read it, you can follow this link ( https://shawnjacksonsbs.tumblr.com/ ) and type this title in to the search header, “How I feel I relate to Jackson Teller and shit!!    2/22/2014”. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that it’s been about two years since I wrote it. I have heard more than once that the spells come in two-year periods.

Anyways, I had planned on opening with one these quotes, and then twisting a narrative, to something that fits some part of my past; “Anarchism stands for the liberation of the human mind from the dominion of religion and liberation of the human body from the coercion of property; liberation from the shackles and restraint of government. It stands for a social order based on the free grouping of individuals.” - Emma Goldman

“We all had our problems with authority, but none of us were sociopaths. We came to realize that when you move your life off the social grid you give up the safety that society provides.” - John Teller S.O.A.

But have since decided not to go that route, exactly. Most of the old lifestyle was just that, old bullshit, but all of the pieces of my past, and my past experiences are what make up the whole me. I am afraid that my moral compass will never point to true North. It probably points more west by northwest nowadays, but that’s a far cry better than the south by southeast direction it used to point towards.

I’m as close as I’m ever going to get. As free as I am today, I still miss some of it, sometimes. Different times from my past that I call the good memories. Some of which would still be looked at in disgust from people who never lived that way. I also carry a lot of baggage with me from things I’ve done that I’ll never be able to share in here, or to anyone. And as I’ve said a million times before, the good memories will never outweigh the bad or outweigh the positives I’ve gained since.

The longing still hits me from time to time though. I’ve been on every rung of the verbally ladder, from the top of a crew calling shots to the bottom of the pyramid, breaking into abandoned houses stealing wire and spending all night stripping it, so the next morning we could be at the Recycler when they opened to get just enough money to score just enough dope to get through the day. I even miss some of those times, or the memory of them. If that makes sense. Some of the dumbest, most ignorant events from my past can put a smile on my face when I think about them. For all of you who just don’t get it, that’s all right. That part makes me fucked up, not you. My brain isn’t wired exactly like normal people.

I’ll never be able to clear away all of it, as much as I wish I could, but at least I can be grateful that my firm hold on this side of life doesn’t have anything to do with just one piece of my past, but instead it’s the sum total of it altogether. I’m never going to be, fully, like most people. We may never see eye to eye on every issue, but we do and will continue to have some commonalities. For those of you, like me, that feel like they don’t fit completely with this side, or the other, there is good news. We don’t have to. The only side we have to align with, is our minds with our hearts, our true hearts. Failing to fit in with the norm isn’t failing for real, its gaining ground really. You are closer than you think when you realize this.

Good and bad and right and wrong aren’t always in sync. When you can do something bad, and it feel good, you know it’s time for an alignment, if you can stop feeling the good long enough to realize you need it. It’s a huge difference. Although most of us actually know what right and wrong is or means, it rarely waivers, but our moral compasses can definitely change direction a lot throughout our lives, for any number of reasons.

I’m fortunate that I have this outlet. Wearing my heart on my sleeve for all the world to see the kind of man I say I am, and it means living up to all the things that you read. My journey, in this journal form, keeps me planted in accountability. The reminiscing of exaggerated, old, grandiose memories can get me caught up quick if I am not careful though. Luckily, in the course of the last few days, I went from missing some of the life to being completely sickened by the fact that I can still be drawn to it, or the memory of it.

Sometimes my writing can be nonsense, and sometimes it’s to relate to others. Sometimes it’s to unclog my head, but every single time, it’s for clarity (for me). It’s better than meditation. It is my weekly alignment. Sometimes, actually, most times it’s aimed to be well intentioned truths, at least as I see them. Sometimes they are more vague than others, but all for good reason. Writing this blog has saved my life and keeps my peace of mind. It’s a bonus if it touches someone else, anyone else. Sometimes it’s just my opinion, which, as I read the other day is really “the lowest form of human knowledge; it requires no accountability, no understanding. The highest form of knowledge, according to George Eliot, is empathy, for it requires us to suspend our egos and live in another’s world.”

I also heard once, that “the self-loathing becomes a little more tolerable with service to others”. I suppose it comes in varying degrees at certain levels per individual. Just like my confusion as I go from writing about “brotherhood and loyalty” to “The company we keep”, and from being fond of memories to having them disgust me at the same time, but because of what I did and why, compared to how I choose to live now. It can probably be difficult to understand, but trust me, sometimes it’s even difficult for me.

Staying up until almost midnight on Wed because as I laid in bed, I’d get a partial paragraph in “note” form in my head, so I would type it in my phone real quick, then I’d close my phone, then something else would hit, I’d open it up, type another note, etc. I am usually in bed and asleep by 10pm. That’s what this blog means to me. It has changed a lot since I started writing it, but still going in the same direction. More forward progress makes for a different Shawn, a constantly ever-changing Shawn, whose writing should be ever-changing too, to reflect that. No one needs to worry, unless I stop writing entirely. That’s when you should send help. lol

With all this in my head, I have also talked to the attorney we plan to hire to help my son (the one out here and the one is living right now), and its going to be a long, hard, and a very extensive road for us to get through, but I know we will get through it. I have also heard some vague rumors, from a few other people about this and just makes me sick that we didn’t get him out here fast enough. One way or another we will work it out.

On a more positive note, someone I know through my work that I respect, pulled me to the side the other day. He told me that he was fixing to buy another property and was kicking around the idea of turning his other one into a multi-room clean and sober living house, or maybe a transitional housing for people getting out. He said if it works out, he would need someone to oversee it, from the inside. Like living there with them. Still going to work and just making sure things stay in order in the evenings etc. He offered it to me. That made me feel pretty good. Trust like that is pretty rare these days, especially when offered to me. Rent free and working in the service of others. If I wasn’t moving back home, I wouldn’t hesitate to accept an opportunity like that. Its definitely been on my mind a lot since we talked.

I suppose that’ll do for this week. I sincerely hope you all had a great week, and that the next one is better. Please remember to keep sharing the love and the laughter with the world around you. It could brighten someone’s day, maybe even their life. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have plans with my son. Going to try and make the most out of what time we have, and I may even get to video chat some family back home this evening and see my granddaughter.

Until tomorrow;

“Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius—and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.” - E.F. Schumacher

[kalimaadebeautyworks-blog]

Wikipedia refers to Dry Drowning as “a term that has never had an accepted medical definition, and that is currently medically discredited.”

Yet, it seems to happen.

Amanda Gardner makes the following observations in her WebMD Article “What Is ‘Dry Drowning’?”:

“You may have heard of the terms “dry drowning” and “secondary drowning.” Those aren’t actually medical terms. But they do point to rare complications that you should know about and that are more common in children.

“With so-called dry drowning, water never reaches the lungs. Instead, breathing in water causes your child’s vocal cords to spasm and close up. That shuts off his airways, making it hard to breathe. You would start to notice those signs right away — it wouldn’t happen out of the blue days later.

Secondary drowning is another term people use to describe another drowning complication. It happens if water gets into the lungs. There, it can irritate the lungs’ lining and fluid can build up, causing a condition called pulmonary edema. You’d likely notice your child having trouble breathing right away, and it might get worse over the next 24 hours.”

While the above articles reference unfortunate deaths caused by experiences related to actual bodies of water, I’m using the term Dry Drowning to describe my daily struggle with anxiety, depression, PTSD and even my ADHD.

Let’s start with Anxiety. It seems to be the frontrunner in my mind today. Anxiety manifests itself differently with each individual person.

In my case, I tend to panic over being hurt or having my heart broken and I throw walls up. No one ever knows I have a wall up. I don’t normally tell people, and if I do tell someone then I usually end up regretting it either because it gets held against me, people use it as a reason to back away from me or I feel like I’ve handed a piece of my power over to someone and shown vulnerability which I do not like to do.

This kept my Counselor at the Women’s Shelter in constant frustration. She kept telling me I couldn’t just throw walls up and shut people out when they hadn’t done anything. I would comment back that I wasn’t punishing anyone; I just would get spooked and shut down. Then she would ask me what had spooked me, and I never really could articulate what it was. We would then go back and forth on was I just refusing to allow myself to be happy, was I in fact punishing myself, was I aware this was a more docile toxic behavior and so on.

I remember one of the last times I went to group. We were discussing “isolation” and “co-dependence.” The Group Moderator actually called me out to the group because I stated I did not ask anyone for help, and would not.

“Do you….not have any friends? None that you feel you could trust with your life?” she asked.

“A few. None of them live here, though. They live a state or two over.”

“What about your family?”

“I have no family. I have my Children and it’s my job to provide them with emotional support. Not the other way around.”

I knew she was getting exasperated. She wasn’t the first counselor or group moderator to get frustrated with me during my time at the shelter. On the one hand, I was told most women were hell bent on returning to their abusers or finding a quick substitute and repeating the cycle all over again because they focused on filling a void with a quick fix rather than fixing themselves.

On the other hand, I was told the pendulum had swung too far the other way in regards to my personality.

What started it was we had to fill out one of these sheets where we list healthy and non healthy relationships. I had made the comment in one of the columns that I cut off people very quickly and permanently whenever harsh fights or certain types of conflicts arise. I refer to them as “Deal Breakers.”

Then I had to go into details as to what a “deal breaker” for me was. The list in its entirety is another post for another time, but what got her attention was the fact I used the term “dry drowning” to describe relationships where everything seemed fine, but in fact was not and where I was actually quietly dying without anyone noticing.

Obviously, the two abusive marriages were bad relationships, but the ones I consider a form of dry drowning were predominantly so-called “friendships.” Most of these relationships were with people from elementary and middle school, relatives I had known, people I had met at work along the way…none really over the top “shitty,” but not really nurturing.

I couldn’t be myself in these relationships, they were unequally yoked, or they were downright fucking draining. There is, I have discovered, a very subtle way a person can make another person feel so shitty about themselves without even raising their voice. It can be called Narcississm, Indifference, Assholism…whatever you want to call it, the majority of my “friendships” before I went to the shelter fell into these categories.

strong>The List of Alleged “Friendships” which actually sent me into a fit of Emotional Dry Drowning:

The Know It Alls who always have a fucking plan for your life and want to micromanage everything about what your’e doing but can’t focus on their own fucking backyard.

The Bible Thumpers who go on and on about how accepting they are of other beliefs ( Buddhism, Voodoo, Hinduism ) and how you need to expand your horizons like they did, but once you do, then they become concerned for your salvation  because God doesn’t like “insert free thinking process here.”

The Assholes who have known you for a few minutes ( aka since you were little shits in diapers ) and think they can fucking boss you around and treat you like shit because you were an angry, upset teen living in domestic violence chaos and they came from a perfect, loving family and never cease to rub that in your face or hold your teen sins against you.

The Slut who screws your husband and breaks up your family then has the gall to shove Bible verses in your face.

The Dickheads who showed up when they needed money, had no one else to turn to and when they needed favors but when you need something, then they turn on you and call you names, an asshole and come up with a fucking Whiny list of Woe Is Me’s which would give Scarlett O’Hara’s famous tantrums a run for their money.

The Psss Wssshhh Wssssshhhes who like to talk about you, down to you, at you, over you, and around you, but not to you.

The “Why Don’t U Just” Crowd who has just the best fucking answer for all of your problems, despite the fact they know nothing about your life, what you’re dealing with, what you’ve already done to fix the problem, how the system works, how life works, how to wipe their own ass, open their own ketchup or tie their own shoes but Goddammit, they know just what needs to happen because LOL Y NOT.

I can’t stand people who push others to the point of wanting to just disappear entirely from the face of this planet. Especially when they can’t own their shit and own their actions. None of us are perfect; we are all fuckups, but I can’t stand sanctimonious motherfuckers who want to make me ( or anyone else ) feel the need to just jump off the side of a boat and then blink their eyes and look around saying  “WHA HAPPEN?”

You’re a fucking asshole, Susan. That’s “wha happen.” Shitty.

Why am I blogging about this?

Because it’s messed me up to the point where I question everything, even good relationships and I shut down at the slightest sign of something “wrong.” Even though there is nothing “wrong.” Part of that is Anxiety, the other part is probably just straight up PTSD.

It’s what I do. I don’t run, I just put up more walls. However, I don’t do it to fuck with people or make them “fight for me.” I know many people who do that on purpose to people ( I’ve had it done to me ), and that behavior is abusive and shitty. If someone is going to fight for you, and if the time comes where they need to, then they will or they won’t. It’s as simple as that. Fighting to keep someone who wants to run and play cat and mouse for sport is a losing battle and it’s like trying to clean a birdcage with a million birds in it I hate birds just saying.

I don’t make people fight for me. I don’t punish people. I don’t play games, or test, or do any of that stuff. I think the main problem I have now is trust and most of that is rooted in past deep hurts. I have endured massive, heart shattering pain, and it has changed me in a way words can never describe. Yet, I’m not dead, I still have love and the capacity to love, but it’s the fear of letting those walls down and someone hitting my achilles heel is what sends the walls back up.

My Counselor used to ask me what word I would use to describe how I felt all of these people saw me. I could never narrow it down to one word, but one that stuck out to me was expendable. 

Most of these people saw and still see me as expendable. They weren’t upset that they lost a valuable person, they were mad that someone they enjoyed keeping on their hook left and told them to get bent. The truth is, none of these people ever knew me and none have really missed me. It’s just a matter of control with them.

The marriages and the last long term relationship with my former boyfriend were what I think really broke me. The First Ex Husband made no bones about the fact he had used me and I was a means to an end, The Second Ex Husband told me he had just been lonely and I had “been there.” The Ex Boyfriend said he just “needed someone.”

Expendable.

I got to know them, I cared for them, I loved them, I gave two of them children ( which is a different subject for another blog post ), I gave them my Youth, I set my career aside, I truly did care for and love them. To me, they were important and a priority. To them, I was just “there.”

That’s what my Anxiety remembers and that’s what sets me into a guarded mode. That. All of those hurts and memories. But I don’t punish the other person and make them play a guessing game. I’m just pretty honest and open about my inner battles and that may be the wrong thing to do as well. The Group Moderator at the Shelter says to never reveal what you’ve been through to a man because he can and will use it against you. I tend to think that’s bullshit. I’m not a mind reader and I don’t expect anyone else to be either. I kind of look at it as a public service. Better to get it out in the open up front rather than hide it. If someone is going to decide to bolt, they’re going to do it regardless of whether you openly admit to having Anxiety/Depression/PTSD or if you hide it. It comes down to the person.

No one close to me triggered this Anxiety I’m dealing with right now. It’s all about past hurts, and as easy as it is for someone to say “just get over it and move on,” it’s really not.

                  Dry Drowning Wikipedia refers to Dry Drowning as "a term that has never had an accepted medical definition, and that is currently medically discredited."

[perfect-porcelain]

All of the questions. 😊

Sorry this took me all day. Thank you dear 💕💕💕 I hope you had a great day 1.Who was the last person you held hands with?These two people Kate and josh
2. Are you outgoing or shy?Both. It kinda just depends on the setting. 
3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?A bunch of my friends at this camp I volunteer at. 
4. Are you easy to get along with?Yes if you can handle the fact that I’m trash. 
5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?Probably 
6. What kind of people are you attracted to?People who are kind, adventurous, and will push me to be a better person. 
7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?Maybe but probably not 
8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?This guy at camp who was flirting with me but I’m an idiot so I didn’t know how to respond 
9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?Usually it does 
10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?See #132
11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?I miss you too
12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?The entire Marianas Trench discography Princess dieBeautiful dirty richTear in my heart Let love down13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?Yesss as long as I don’t hate them
14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?Yes. 
15. What good thing happened this summer?I volunteered at camp and had an amazing week where I didn’t want to kill myself 
16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?… haven’t kissed 
17. Do you think there is life on other planets?Probably
18. Do you still talk to your first crush?I’ve literally never had a crush 😂 yikes
19. Do you like bubble baths?Not really they make me feel sick
20. Do you like your neighbors?Some of them are nice but the ones right next to me are a bunch of dicks
21. What are your bad habits?I play with my split ends and pop my knuckles 
22. Where would you like to travel?Everywhere. My family travels a lot and I love it
23. Do you have trust issues?It’s weird I simultaneously trust and distrust everyone
24. Favorite part of your daily routine?Exercising with my music 
25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?All of it 😂
26. What do you do when you wake up?Either exercise or wish I was still asleep
27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?I like my skin the way it is I tan super easily lol people always ask me and my brother if we’re Mexican but we’re Korean 
28. Who are you most comfortable around?My family, best friend (who actually hates me now), and these people at the camp I volunteered at
29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?Don’t have any ex's
30. Do you ever want to get married?If I find the right person
31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?My guys my hair goes down to my waist and it’s annoying because it gets in the way but I love it
32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?Ew no I’m not about that
33. Spell your name with your chin.No fuck you 😂😂
34. Do you play sports? What sports?I play a lot of tennis. I used to be a gymnast and I really will play any sport my family’s all really athletic
35. Would you rather live without TV or music?Tv I couldn’t live without music 
36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?Nope
37. What do you say during awkward silences?Sooo… I’m the most awkward person I know 
38. Describe your dream girl/guy?Someone who will do fun things with me and make me feel good about myself. Someone who can keep up with me on exercises and push me to keep going. Someone who loves me as much as I love them. Someone who feels things as much as I do. 
39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?I shop at kohls a lot but idk I don’t like shopping that much 
40. What do you want to do after high school?I’m gonna go to college but I really just want to do music
41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?Yes
42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?I’m thinking, in pain, or just don’t know you well enough to feel comfortable talking
43. Do you smile at strangers?Sometimes
44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?Can I choose both? I guess outer space 
45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?I honestly don’t know
46. What are you paranoid about?A lot of things 
47. Have you ever been high?No but one time I took like 15 tylenols at once and got super sick (lol living life on the edge 😂)
48. Have you ever been drunk?No but I drink way too much alcohol for my age 
49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?Not really 
50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?Gray
51. Ever wished you were someone else?Yup
52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?Just one thing? I guess I just want to be a better person to those around me 
53. Favourite makeup brand?Yo I just buy whatever eyeliner will work and is under $10
54. Favourite store?Don’t really have one
55. Favourite blog?There’s a couple. I feel like you know who you are 💜
56. Favourite colour?I don’t really have one so I used to just tell people it was black 
57. Favourite food? Fruits?
58. Last thing you ate?Espresso beans 
59. First thing you ate this morning?Does coffee count?
60. Ever won a competition? For what?I mean I know I have but I can’t think of what for 
61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?No
62. Been arrested? For what?No
63. Ever been in love?With the idea of being in love. Yes. 
64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?Dude never been kissed lol
65. Are you hungry right now?I guess
66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?Yeah they’re easier to talk to and they don’t seem to hate me
67. Facebook or Twitter?Twitter but I never use mine 
68. Twitter or Tumblr?Tumblr
69. Are you watching tv right now?No
70. Names of your bestfriends? Well it used to be Anna but she fucking hates me so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
71. Craving something? What?Coffee and love 
72. What colour are your towels?Blue and pink
72. How many pillows do you sleep with?Sometimes one sometimes none
73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?None
74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?A lot
75. Favourite animal?All the cute ones
76. What colour is your underwear?I think it’s pink 
77. Chocolate or Vanilla?Usually chocolate 
78. Favourite ice cream flavour?Well I can’t have ice cream but I guess play dough
79. What colour shirt are you wearing?Purple with a flannel
80. What colour pants?Black shorts
81. Favourite tv show?I cycle through so many I don’t even know
82. Favourite movie?Probably the blues brothers
83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?Never seen mean girls 
84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?I haven’t seen 21 jump street either 
85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?¯\_(ツ)_/¯
86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?Omg all of them I love that movie I’m gonna go with the shark (I think it’s the hammerhead) that’s like I’m a flipping dolphin let me flip for you
87. First person you talked to today?My mom
88. Last person you talked to today?This kid im babysitting
89. Name a person you hate?This asshole teacher I had who thought he should have control of what I do 
90. Name a person you love?My sister Maddie 
91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?So many people 
92. In a fight with someone?It depends on who you ask so I guess yes
93. How many sweatpants do you have?3?
94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?A shit ton 
95. Last movie you watched?I think it was get smart 
96. Favourite actress? 97. Favourite actor?I can’t choose one I’m sorry 
98. Do you tan a lot?So much 
99. Have any pets?3 cats 
100. How are you feeling?Shitty but excited 
101. Do you type fast?Yeah like at least 80 wpm 
102. Do you regret anything from your past?I regret my past lol
103. Can you spell well?Usually 
104. Do you miss anyone from your past?Yeah especially Gabrielle rn
105. Ever been to a bonfire party?I don’t think so
106. Ever broken someone’s heart?I wouldn’t know but no one likes me so probs not 
107. Have you ever been on a horse?Yeah one time it was in Hawaii which was amazing 
108. What should you be doing?Summer assignments 
109. Is something irritating you right now?A lot of things are 
110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?Yes for sure 
111. Do you have trust issues?Probably 
112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?My friends Emma and Kate 
113. What was your childhood nickname?Booboo 
114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?Loads of times 
115. Do you play the Wii?Yeah
116. Are you listening to music right now?Yes
117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?I used to
118. Do you like Chinese food?Yes but I like my family’s Korean food more
119. Favourite book?There’s so many good ones but I guess Harry Potter and the order of the Phoenix 
120. Are you afraid of the dark?Not really
121. Are you mean?I try not to be
122. Is cheating ever okay?No
123. Can you keep white shoes clean?I doubt it
124. Do you believe in love at first sight?I suppose 
125. Do you believe in true love?Yes
126. Are you currently bored?A little but this is entertaining me
127. What makes you happy?Distractions, exercise, good people, music
128. Would you change your name?If I could think of something to change it to
129. What your zodiac sign?Sagittarius 
130. Do you like subway?I can’t eat it but i would if I could 
131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?I guess at this point in my life I could try it and see what happens
132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?I can’t really remember 
133. Favourite lyrics right now?When your heart releases you won’t fall to pieces 
134. Can you count to one million?The question isn’t can I it’s should I 
135. Dumbest lie you ever told?I’m fine 
136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?Closed
137. How tall are you?About 5'2"
138. Curly or Straight hair?Curly
139. Brunette or Blonde?Brunette 
140. Summer or Winter?Both
141. Night or Day?Night
142. Favourite month?I don’t have one but I’m loving July rn
143. Are you a vegetarian?No
144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?I can’t really have chocolate but dark
145. Tea or Coffee?Both I love them both 
146. Was today a good day?Yes
147. Mars or Snickers?Neither 
148. What’s your favourite quote?Atm “swing for the fences and if you strike out who cares at least you fuckin took a swing"
149. Do you believe in ghosts?I don’t really know
150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first lineI never thought yeh wouldn’t even know (it’s the first Harry Potter but the new illustrated version)

[snoobydoo]

1-150

who the fuCK (thank u tho

1. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU HELD HANDS WITH? - my little sister!2. ARE YOU OUTGOING OR SHY? - id be pretty outgoing if i didnt have social anxiety but yeah,, im shy af3. WHO ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING? - AAA DREN IS COMING OUT IN THE SUMMER!! Allynah will also be hanging out with us for a bit while theyre here, too!! im so excited to hang out with both of them oml4. ARE YOU EASY TO GET ALONG WITH? - id hope so ? idk tho5. IF YOU WERE DRUNK WOULD THE PERSON YOU LIKE TAKE CARE OF YOU? - theyd probably be drunk too but yeah i think so? id probably take care of them more fhgdhf6. WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE ARE YOU ATTRACTED TO? - man,, fuck if i know,,, everyone, really?

7. DO YOU THINK YOU’LL BE IN A RELATIONSHIP TWO MONTHS FROM NOW? - fuCK NO lmao,, id love to be but its unrealistic8. WHO FROM THE OPPOSITE GENDER IS ON YOUR MIND? - opposite gender dbdsfdhgdsf9. DOES TALKING ABOUT SEX MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE? - it depends, really?? on like who im talking to and how in depth it is? casual mentions of it are chill with me but if its very specific like,, things they like and/or have done before im,, im good dude10. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU HAD A DEEP CONVERSATION WITH? - fuck idk11. WHAT DOES THE MOST RECENT TEXT THAT YOU SENT SAY? - ‘HELLO ILY’12. WHAT ARE YOUR 5 FAVORITE SONGS RIGHT NOW? - oh shit uhh probably?? Someone in the Crowd from La La Land, Under My Skin by Jukebox the Ghost, I Know by Tom Odell (even tho it makes me Sad? ????), LGBT by Cupcakke, and We’ll Meet Again by Vera Lynn13. DO YOU LIKE IT WHEN PEOPLE PLAY WITH YOUR HAIR? - YES but i always feel super self conscious about it too oh boy14. DO YOU BELIEVE IN LUCK AND MIRACLES? - nah15. WHAT GOOD THING HAPPENED THIS SUMMER? - uhh i cant remember last summer very well rip but this upcoming summer Dren is coming out here for two weeks!!! and thats a v good thing B)16. WOULD YOU KISS THE LAST PERSON YOU KISSED AGAIN? - lmao N/A17. DO YOU THINK THERE IS LIFE ON OTHER PLANETS? - hell yeh but its not as advanced as we are/hope18. DO YOU STILL TALK TO YOUR FIRST CRUSH? - lmfao no i lost contact in like 3rd grade rip19. DO YOU LIKE BUBBLE BATHS? - i havent had one in years so im not sure?20. DO YOU LIKE YOUR NEIGHBORS? - yeah they all seem really nice but ive never met any of them21. WHAT ARE YOUR BAD HABITS? - Everything I Do22. WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRAVEL? - ooh anywhere, really?? travelling seems so heckin cool. id love to go to Canada and Amsterdam and Italy n stuff,, just anywhere23. DO YOU HAVE TRUST ISSUES? - l m a o24. FAVORITE PART OF YOUR DAILY ROUTINE? - going to sleep25. WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY ARE YOU MOST UNCOMFORTABLE WITH? - everything26. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU WAKE UP? - dissociate and/or go back to sleep27. DO YOU WISH YOUR SKIN WAS LIGHTER OR DARKER? - eeh my skin is hella pale so if it was just a little bit darker thatd be chill B)28. WHO ARE YOU MOST COMFORTABLE AROUND? - uhh fuck idk probably Dren and Allynah?29. HAVE ANY OF YOUR EX’S TOLD YOU THEY REGRET BREAKING UP? - N/A lmao30. DO YOU EVER WANT TO GET MARRIED? - maybe?? im not sure31. IF YOUR HAIR LONG ENOUGH FOR A PONY TAIL? - yeah but some pieces dont fit in it32. WHICH CELEBRITIES WOULD YOU HAVE A THREESOME WITH? - no thanks my dude33. SPELL YOUR NAME WITH YOUR CHIN. - ksatre

34. DO YOU PLAY SPORTS? WHAT SPORTS? - im Super unathletic,, id like to play a sport but i dont. im struggling in p.e. lmao35. WOULD YOU RATHER LIVE WITHOUT TV OR MUSIC? - tv36. HAVE YOU EVER LIKED SOMEONE AND NEVER TOLD THEM? - haha yeah every damn time37. WHAT DO YOU SAY DURING AWKWARD SILENCES? - i just laugh or stay silent38. DESCRIBE YOUR DREAM GIRL/GUY? - okay this is gonna sound crazy but.. th- they Like Me Back,, i know, Whoa..39. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE STORES TO SHOP IN? - Target ?? it just feels really familiar for some reason,, prob bc i used to go there a lot as a child40. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO AFTER HIGH SCHOOL? - die41. DO YOU BELIEVE EVERYONE DESERVES A SECOND CHANCE? - no42. IF YOUR BEING EXTREMELY QUIET WHAT DOES IT MEAN? - i dont have anything to say, im having a panic attack, or im holding in whatever i want to say43. DO YOU SMILE AT STRANGERS? - yeah!44. TRIP TO OUTER SPACE OR BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN? - SPACE45. WHAT MAKES YOU GET OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING? - i dont lol46. WHAT ARE YOU PARANOID ABOUT? - everything, my dude,, everything47. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN HIGH? - no48. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN DRUNK? - yes49. HAVE YOU DONE ANYTHING RECENTLY THAT YOU HOPE NOBODY FINDS OUT ABOUT? - no? i dont think so?50. WHAT WAS THE COLOUR OF THE LAST HOODIE YOU WORE? - black51. EVER WISHED YOU WERE SOMEONE ELSE? - constantly52. ONE THING YOU WISH YOU COULD CHANGE ABOUT YOURSELF? - Everything?53. FAVOURITE MAKEUP BRAND? - lol fuck if i know54. FAVOURITE STORE? - already answered above ?55. FAVOURITE BLOG? - i like that one blog that posts unflattering pictures of cats (im not gonna tag them tho rgdgfsdf)56. FAVOURITE COLOUR? - yellow57. FAVOURITE FOOD? - peaches or coffee tbh58. LAST THING YOU ATE? - cereal59. FIRST THING YOU ATE THIS MORNING? - cereal60. EVER WON A COMPETITION? FOR WHAT? - no i dont think so61. BEEN SUSPENDED/EXPELLED? FOR WHAT? - nope62. BEEN ARRESTED? FOR WHAT? - nope63. EVER BEEN IN LOVE? - fuq that, idk64. TELL US THE STORY OF YOUR FIRST KISS? - n/a

65. ARE YOU HUNGRY RIGHT NOW? - no66. DO YOU LIKE YOUR TUMBLR FRIENDS MORE THAN YOUR REAL FRIENDS? - what is the difference tho,, if we mean online vs offline then yes my online friends are better but theyre still my Real Friends ya feel67. FACEBOOK OR TWITTER? - twitter68. TWITTER OR TUMBLR? - tumblr69. ARE YOU WATCHING TV RIGHT NOW? - no70. NAMES OF YOUR BESTFRIENDS? - Dren, Allynah, Grace, Eli, Allison71. CRAVING SOMETHING? WHAT? - nope72. WHAT COLOUR ARE YOUR TOWELS? - we have a lot of different colors72. HOW MANY PILLOWS DO YOU SLEEP WITH? - two73. DO YOU SLEEP WITH STUFFED ANIMALS? - no74. HOW MANY STUFFED ANIMALS DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE? - none75. FAVOURITE ANIMAL? - cats76. WHAT COLOUR IS YOUR UNDERWEAR? - im too lazy to check77. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? - vanilla78. FAVOURITE ICE CREAM FLAVOUR? - mint chocolate chip for sure79. WHAT COLOUR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? - black80. WHAT COLOUR PANTS? - red81. FAVOURITE TV SHOW? - the walking dead probably82. FAVOURITE MOVIE? - CAPTAIN AMERICA: TFA83. MEAN GIRLS OR MEAN GIRLS 2? - theres a second one?84. MEAN GIRLS OR 21 JUMP STREET? - ive never seen 21 jump street,, so mean girls85. FAVOURITE CHARACTER FROM MEAN GIRLS? - DAMIAN86. FAVOURITE CHARACTER FROM FINDING NEMO? - Squirt87. FIRST PERSON YOU TALKED TO TODAY? - n/a88. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO TODAY? - n/a89. NAME A PERSON YOU HATE? - m e90. NAME A PERSON YOU LOVE? - see #7091. IS THERE ANYONE YOU WANT TO PUNCH IN THE FACE RIGHT NOW? - ME92. IN A FIGHT WITH SOMEONE? - no93. HOW MANY SWEATPANTS DO YOU HAVE? - one pair i think?94. HOW MANY SWEATERS/HOODIES DO YOU HAVE? - two95. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? - if a musical counts, then Heathers. if not then i think how to train your dragon 2?96. FAVOURITE ACTRESS? - Lauren Cohan probably? idk97. FAVOURITE ACTOR? - andrew lincoln or chris evans98. DO YOU TAN A LOT? - nope99. HAVE ANY PETS? - YES i have four. three cats and one dog100. HOW ARE YOU FEELING? - sleepy101. DO YOU TYPE FAST? - yes102. DO YOU REGRET ANYTHING FROM YOUR PAST? - everything ??103. CAN YOU SPELL WELL? - fairly104. DO YOU MISS ANYONE FROM YOUR PAST? - yea105. EVER BEEN TO A BONFIRE PARTY? - we’ve had small parties with a little bonfire but ive never been to a BONFIRE PARTY,, i wish106. EVER BROKEN SOMEONE’S HEART? -probably not107. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A HORSE? - uhhh i dont remember?? maybe?108. WHAT SHOULD YOU BE DOING? - i actually have no obligations right now,, thank god109. IS SOMETHING IRRITATING YOU RIGHT NOW? - me110. HAVE YOU EVER LIKED SOMEONE SO MUCH IT HURT? - yeah i have bpd111. DO YOU HAVE TRUST ISSUES? - this was already asked112. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU CRIED IN FRONT OF? - my brother i think113. WHAT WAS YOUR CHILDHOOD NICKNAME? - just? Kate? or i think Petuna was one too114. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN OUT OF YOUR PROVINCE/STATE? - yeah115. DO YOU PLAY THE WII? - we had a wii one time but i only used it like twice116. ARE YOU LISTENING TO MUSIC RIGHT NOW? - i was but then it ended and now its just silent and i didnt even notice.. im gonna change the song117. DO YOU LIKE CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP? - yes118. DO YOU LIKE CHINESE FOOD? - yes119. FAVOURITE BOOK? - perks of being a wallflower120. ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK? - i get paranoid yeh121. ARE YOU MEAN? - yeah122. IS CHEATING EVER OKAY? - no u piece of shit123. CAN YOU KEEP WHITE SHOES CLEAN? - no dgfsfs124. DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT? - infatuation, maybe, but not love125. DO YOU BELIEVE IN TRUE LOVE? - no126. ARE YOU CURRENTLY BORED? - nah this is keeping me busy127. WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY? - being included128. WOULD YOU CHANGE YOUR NAME? - im not sure? probably not129. WHAT YOUR ZODIAC SIGN? - sagittarius130. DO YOU LIKE SUBWAY? - sure131. YOUR BESTFRIEND OF THE OPPOSITE SEX LIKES YOU, WHAT DO YOU DO? - opposite sex,, and heck, if anyone liked me id doubt it and/or panic132. WHO’S THE LAST PERSON YOU HAD A DEEP CONVERSATION WITH? - idk but this was also already asked133. FAVOURITE LYRICS RIGHT NOW? - I wanna take you somewhere so you know I careBut it’s so cold and I don’t know whereI brought you daffodils in a pretty stringBut they won’t flower like they did last spring134. CAN YOU COUNT TO ONE MILLION? - i could but i dont want to135. DUMBEST LIE YOU EVER TOLD? - i dont remember136. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR DOORS OPEN OR CLOSED? - closed137. HOW TALL ARE YOU? - 5′6138. CURLY OR STRAIGHT HAIR? - i have curly hair139. BRUNETTE OR BLONDE? - im a brunette140. SUMMER OR WINTER? - summer141. NIGHT OR DAY? - day142. FAVOURITE MONTH? - october probably?143. ARE YOU A VEGETARIAN? - no but id like to try it some time144. DARK, MILK OR WHITE CHOCOLATE? - milk chocolate145. TEA OR COFFEE? - coffee but both are good146. WAS TODAY A GOOD DAY? - idk i just woke up147. MARS OR SNICKERS? - ive never had a mars bar so snickers?148. WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE QUOTE? - “you’re not a sad story. you are alive.”149. DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS? - idk150. GET THE CLOSEST BOOK NEXT TO YOU, OPEN IT TO PAGE 42, WHAT’S THE FIRST LINE ON THAT PAGE?  - How can you use a topographic map to interpret information about an area?

thank u for these questions im sorry this post is so long dgdfgsffdquestions