#shes reflecting her behavior towards me towards mom now so shes gonna get in huge fucking trouble sooner than later

[sisyphus-prime]

Hey if you're 13 and follow me... Maybe don't

[ikingsley]

Ina x MC: Sabbatical (Part 2)

Ina x MC: Sabbatical (Part 2)

Second part of the Sabbatical Series. Read the first part here: Sabbatical (Part 1).

Summary: Ina hears about Luna’s accident and tries to do something about it.

Warnings: I’m gonna call it angsty fluff. But I guess more angst than fluff. 

Tag: @samanthadalton @domakir @kulaykape @hellyeah90sbaby @dopeyouth @kwaj05 @thedaft1 @swimmingshoebakerydreamer

Let me know if you want to be added to the tag list.

Author’s Notes: Yes, this was going to be a two part series, but then I had an idea and well, it got long. It’s probably going to be 3 parts now. Sorry, @kwaj05! This is what happens when you ask for angst.

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A couple days had passed. Ina still hadn’t heard back from Luna. She was a little disappointed that Luna hadn’t answered her, but she figured Luna was busy and had other priorities. Instead of focusing on her heartbreak, Ina immersed herself in her work. 

Admittedly, Ina enjoyed New Orleans. It was a weirdly quaint, but big city. She started her mornings at Cafe Du Monde with a large coffee and a beignet. She read the news, sipped her coffee, observed the people around her and then made her way to work on her research. She strolled through the streets, analyzing the French influence on culture, behavior and life. The first-hand experience she was gaining would be a big boost for her career. Then, each dusk she would return back to her hotel and write bits and pieces of her paper.

Most of the time, Luna was just a side thought. But there were times she couldn’t help but remember Luna. She’d see constant reminders of Luna and think Luna would want this or Luna would do that. Then she’d go down the rabbit hole, imagining what Luna was doing at the time, or reminiscing on their time together. Ina made no attempt at getting over Luna, mostly because she believed that their separation hadn’t been official. She only wondered if Luna had gotten over her.

This morning began just like any other morning. Ina got up and went to Cafe Du Monde and unlocked her phone to read the news. Then she got curious about Belvoire and the drama between Poppy and Luna. She looked around and made sure she recognized no one. The T was a funny source, but it was probably one that a professor shouldn’t have frequented. Belvoire drama was basically her scoop of reality television and mindless entertainment. She typed up ‘The T’ into the search engine and clicked on the link. The rankings were the first thing that popped up. Poppy first then Luna...Then she clicked on the ‘Search’ tab of the website and typed up ‘Luna Garcia.’ When she got to the title of the latest article concerning Luna, her jaw dropped open and her eyes watered.

“Poppy’s Nemesis Injured in Car Accident”

Ina quickly skimmed the article. It outlined Luna’s accident and how she’d been taken to the New York Presbyterian Hospital. At the end, it wished for her speedy recovery.

Ina’s heart shattered. She should’ve been there. She then looked at the date of the article. Saturday. 1/16. The same day she’d left to New Orleans. Guilt consumed her body. Had Luna been trying to reach her? Had she gotten into an accident because of her? No. No. No. It couldn’t have been. It must not have been. 

Ina was normally stoic and unemotional in public rather than a sappy mess, and she was far from a crier. But this pushed her over the edge. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. She slammed her hands on the desk attracting the unwanted attention of patrons around her, paid for her coffee and beignets and walked towards her hotel, ignoring the stares of the passersby. Her tears ruined her makeup, but she couldn’t care less. Luna was the only thing on her mind. And she needed to get to her. 

Ina booked the next flight out of NOLA, sabbatical be damned. She would face any and all possible repercussions later.

~

She had to wait a couple hours before the flight so she went back to her hotel. Ina pulled the covers over her, rocking back and forth like a baby. Her tears stained the pillow, creating a soggy mess. She was worried sick for Luna. The woman she was madly in love with, the woman she hurt. She needed Luna to be okay. She needed to be by her side. She needed to see Luna smile again, at least one more time. She needed to hold her hand. She didn’t know what she’d do if she didn’t have the opportunity to tell Luna that she loved her once more. She only wished that when she told Luna she loved her, that Luna could hear and understand her. Ina, even though she was not pious by any means, fell asleep, praying that she would be blessed with a few more moments with Luna.

~

Ina boarded the plane in the evening, wearing uncharacteristic sweatpants and a hoodie. She opted for sneakers rather than her famous high heels. She also realized there was no point in wearing makeup. Often times, she just burst into tears unprovoked, effectively ruining any makeup she had put on. Her brain still filtering through all the things she felt, and she realized how deeply in love she was with Luna. She was everything she could ever want in a woman - gorgeous, brilliant, clever, attentive. Luna was damn near perfect in Ina’s eyes. And in retrospect, she took Luna for granted; Ina realized how lucky she was to have Luna. Her heart ached to see and have her again. She yearned for her touch, her smile, her laughter. And if Luna were gone, Ina didn’t know what she’d do.

Then she began worrying that Luna may not want to see her again. She worried that Luna would blame her for the accident. The saddest part was that it could be true. And Ina would never be able to forgive herself if Luna couldn’t forgive her.

But even a bigger worry was if she couldn’t talk to Luna again. What happens if- She didn’t even want to think about it. Her last conversation with Luna could not be a fight. It just couldn’t. 

~

“I know that look. Young love?” an older gentleman had asked.

Ina was brought back to reality. She nodded slowly.

“I was once in your place. My advice: don’t let her go once you have her. Cherish every moment you have with her. Be with her through the good and through the bad. Love her and appreciate her endlessly. You never know what life will throw at you from one day to the next,” he reflected.

Ina mulled over his words. She decided that when she got through to Luna, she’d never let go.

Ina felt like she was trapped on the plane for forever. Finally, the pilot announced its arrival at LaGuardia. Ina’s heart raced. She couldn’t get off the plane fast enough. Ina ran down the airport’s vast area, knocking several items, including people, around her. Most of them were tourists who just remembered that New York citizens had the reputation of being rude. She hailed a taxi and ordered the cab driver to take her to the hospital. It was then when she noticed how out of breath she was, but she needed to be with Luna. 

~

Ina almost left her bags in the cab in her rush. She rushed into the hospital, with a check-in bag, carry-on and purse. It attracted the attention of the people around her, but she hadn’t noticed. . 

“Garcia!” Ina exclaimed.

“Excuse me?” the receptionist answered.

Ina subsequently remembered her manners, her face flushing in embarrassment. She realized she hadn’t talked to anyone for several days now, and in that time, it seemed like she forgotten all social cues. “Sorry. Do you have a Luna Garcia here?”

The receptionist stared back at her for a couple of seconds.

“At least tell me if she’s okay. Please. Tell me she’s alive,” Ina begged.

It was one thing for Ina to look untidy. Sometimes when under high stress like when a paper was due, Ina did put her appearance to the side. But for Ina to beg, that was a different story. Ina never begged, not even in the bedroom. That was Luna’s job.

“I can’t disclose that information, ma’am,” the receptionist said calmly.

Ina was getting desperate. And it showed. She went back and forth with the receptionist. Finally, Ina got the receptionist to at least check the records. 

The receptionist quickly did so.

“She’s...not awake to approve visitors and I don’t see your name as a contact person. So how are you related to the patient? Her sister? Her mom?”

Ina visibly cringed at ‘her mom.’ But in all honesty, Ina looked like she had aged a decade in the past weeks. The woman looked disheveled, capped by huge bags under her eyes due to her lack of sleep. 

“I’m her...uh...partner,” Ina said slowly, realization setting in. She remembered that she may not be anymore. 

The receptionist was still reluctant to let Ina through. And Ina could tell.

“Please. She doesn’t have any family here in New York. I really need to see her. I’ll do anything. Just please let me see her,” Ina pleaded.

The receptionist was unsure what to do. But she looked deeply into Ina’s eyes where she saw genuine concern shining through.

“Okay, fine. She’s in Room 9121. Ninth floor. Second room to the right.” 

Ina thanked the annoying-turned-kind receptionist as she lugged her baggage around the hospital. She entered the elevator and suddenly felt nervous. It had been a while since she’d seen Luna and she didn’t know what to expect. She found the room and took a deep breath before heading inside.

Luna slept peacefully as the machines around her beeped rhythmically. She had a few bruises and a cast on her right leg, but overall, she looked good. Ina let out a sigh of relief. Luna was okay physically. She would make it. Now her concern shifted to her reaction once she saw her.

By now, it was almost 1 AM. Ina put her bags in the corner of the room and pulled up a chair next to Luna. She put her hand out clasping Luna’s weak hand. 

Luna was out cold. Ina’s heart filled with gratitude that Luna was next to her. Ina then began talking to Luna. 

“I’m so sorry Luna. I was a fool. I should’ve told you about the sabbatical and we should’ve discussed it before I jumped in with both feet. I was just so excited about it. But no. If we’re together, we’re a team. And I should’ve considered you in my decision. I hope we can talk about this later. I love you with everything in me. And I’ll do everything to show you how much I love you.” 

Ina rambled on for a couple more minutes before falling asleep herself, holding onto Luna’s hand throughout the night.

~

Luna was the first to wake up. She looked around confused. She saw someone’s bags on the side of her room. Then she saw her hand was being held. It was to her greater surprise that this hand belonged to Ina. She instinctively jerked away from Ina. She loved her. But after their quarrel, after the life-changing accident, it hurt. Her heart weighed heavily, torn between her love for Ina and the pain Ina had caused her. Ina was awakened by Luna pulling away from her. 

“What are you doing here Ina? I thought you were in New Orleans,” Luna said plainly. 

“Luna, oh my- oh thank god! I saw ‘The T’ about the accident. I’m so sorry Luna. I should’ve been there with you. I should’ve protected you. I-” Ina confessed.

“Go. Please. Just leave me alone. I don’t know how I feel right now. I went out to find you, Ina! I loved you. I still might. But it still hurts. It hurts to even look at you. Just give me time. Alone,” Luna said turning away from Ina.

“Please,” Ina pleaded.

“Go! Don’t make this harder than it has to be,” Luna said firmly.

“Lu-” Ina began.

“Don’t you dare Lu me. I could’ve died for Christ’s sake,” Luna paused to change her tone of voice. “GET. OUT. I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOU,” she roared.

Ina had never heard Luna so angry. Her heart ripped away from her soul. It caused her physical pain to hear the words, but she had to respect Luna’s wishes if she wanted a chance to ever talk to her again. And so she conceded, somberly picking up her bags. She threw Luna one last, sad look as she opened the hospital room door. Her tears rolled off her face like cars racing down a street. She put her bags down to wipe her face and sniffled. Luna hadn’t been looking at Ina, but she heard the sniffle. She looked up to see Ina full-on crying, quite uncharacteristically.

Luna finally took a good look at Ina. She’d never seen Ina look so old or tired. Neither had she seen Ina full-on crying. In all honesty, she had never seen Ina look so well...bad. And even if this may have provoked a feeling of empathy for Ina, Luna was too heartbroken and hurt.

As Ina closed the door behind her and choked back a sob, Luna whispered out, “Goodbye, Ina.”

[verobatto]

Destiel Chronicles

Vol. LXXVI

It was a love story from the very beginning.

How to use my words.

(12x02/12x03)

Hello my friends! Another meta from delicious season 12. This time we are gonna talk about how difficult for Dean to use his own words when is about his mother AND his angel.

The positive thing here is, he was able at the end of this season, to express through words what he felt about his mother in front of her, so this gives us hopes.

So let's start!

Don't Make Things Needlessly Complicated

Before talking about the Destiel call, let's focus a little on Sam and Toni Belleville.

This lady broke Sam's mind to get info, and this was a violation of Sam's thoughts against his will. Is a drastic example of what will happen with AUMichael possessing Dean.

Now... Is time to evaluate what Cas thinks about the way humans try to communicate feelings. Mostly, about how Dean tries to do that.

As I said before, Dean can speak about his true feelings with Sam, or Jody, or any friend... But communication with you dead/now alive mother is hard, and imagine talking with your crush!

DEAN: Cass, hey. So, here's the thing. It's been kind of weird here with, you know, Mom being back. It's like we don't know how to act around each other, so we just kind of make this small talk and act normal, but it's – it's so not normal.

Okay, this is what I was talking about, talk with mom is difficult for Dean, but I want to point out a foreshadow here. Who will come back from the death too in season 13? And who will act as if that was normal? Making small talks not touching or talking about the big elephant in the room? Yes... Dean.

CASTIEL: Um, I'm – I'm not sure. What – what has she said to you?

DEAN: Well, nothing. That �� that – that's the whole point.

CASTIEL: Okay, what have you said to her?

DEAN: Well, nothing. I'm – I don't know what to say to her, you know? It – it's – it's like it's all just too much, and...I don't want to overwhelm her.

This, my friends, is the center of it all. When will the talk come? Mary is a Dean mirror. So she will act just as him. NOT TOUCHING THE BIG ISSUE. NOT TALKING ABOUT THE ELEPHANT. She had been dead, and she's dealing with a big mourn: she lost the family she knew. It was a lie, and she needs to move on. But, she's pushing all those feelings down. Dean will do the same when Cas will come back from death, as if nothing had happened, after a huge, huge mourn. He won't talk about it. And he will push those feelings down, as he always does.

CASTIEL: Don't make things needlessly complicated, as you humans tend to do. I'll call you.

Castiel always speaks directly from his heart. He is honest. So he can barely understand this behavior, when he says humans, he wants to say YOU. Dean makes things needlessly complicated when he wants to use his words now with Mary, and later, with Cas... Misscomunication at our door.

Are we discussing the same thing?

This innocent and comical dialogue came after...

DEAN: Did you have a look inside?

CASTIEL: No No, it's – it's powerfully warded.

DEAN: Powerfully warded? Okay, see, buddy, that – that was your headline right there.

CASTIEL SHAKES HIS HEAD AND LOOKS DOWN.

CASTIEL: Are we still discussing the same thing?

This is priceless, and is a hint of the mixtape. Our clueless cute angel didn't understand Dean's chosen word headline in their dialogue. So Cas has a sign in front of his eyes to decipher that's the place where Sam is kept hidden. So, Dean is trying to show Cas that a place powerfully warded should be a big sign for Cas. Just like the mixtape he will give him after Castiel's love confession. Dean will trying to show him through a symbol (the mixtape) his true feeling for him, that's your headline Cas. But Cas is clueless.

I want to talk about a few things here... Mostly one of the most married dialogues... When Dean appears with Mary and Cas says... You brought your mother? And then he had to rescued Dean and stay with her. It was just perfect!

Gif set credit @thejabberwock 👇

The fact that in this season more than one character will call Castiel the Winchester's dog is so disrespectful but is also a foreshadow of Scoobynatural.

Gif credit @spnwhenever 👇

The difference between Dean and Sam when they have to use their words towards Mary. Sam did a good job, but he says Mary filled an empty place he had in his heart when she came back from Death. This is so cute, because he never met her, so having her there is a blessing.

In Dean's point of view, he has to mourn the childhood image of his mother, and learn to love and accept the woman she is.

But this is a reflection of what we will see in episode 13x06 when Cas will come back from death.

I don't belong here

So Mary feeling out of the poll is like Cas feeling out of place too.

The dialogue they had in episode 12x03 the bunker opens eyes to the audience into a thought they were suspecting. Cas still feels he doesn't belong.

Mary: After you left heaven, when did it start to feel like...like you fit, like you...belonged here?

Castiel: Well, I'm still not sure I do.

Don't worry, he will feel he belongs here when Jack enters in action.

This entire episode is a foreshadow of brainwashed Mary from the end of season 12, but visually, it presents a couple of interesting Destiel symbolism.

The handprints and the frozen hearts, could be related to Castiel's death too, and the way Dean will feel about it.

Let's refer quickly about the polemic "I LOVE YOU. I LOVE BOTH OF YOU." Quote.

This had been analyzed plenty for the meta community, so I won't say nothing new, but, the physical element I very important. Because we had Mary, blatantly giving Dean her back and staring straight to Sammy's eyes, so the audience can see that I love you was for Sam, and the second one, when she turns around to see Dean, she says I LOVE BOTH OF YOU, that one is for the two of them. Simply. As a message sent to us, because something huge will come in episode 12x12 when Cas almost dies. You know what I'm saying here.

I want to point out here how cute looked Cas trying to imitate the Winchester. Even brushing his hair to look good, because he knows is important for humans... But also how he will fell he failed at this when Sam and Dean disappear when they were captured by the secret service.

Gif credit @mad-as-a-box-of-frogs 👇

To Conclude:

Both episodes acted like a review of foreshadows of what will come in season 12 and 13.

The entrance of Mary is important because she will act as a reflection of Castiel, a Dean's mirror, and she will give Dean the opportunity of grow up, mourning that childish image he has of the perfect Mary Winchester, and try to understand and accept her as she is, while learning how to use his own words with her.

Hope you like this one! See you in the next one!

Tagging @magnificent-winged-beast @emblue-sparks @weird-dorky-little-deana @michyribeiro @whyjm @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @savannadarkbaby @dea-stiel @poorreputation @bre95611 @thewolfathedoor @charlottemanchmal @neii3n @deathswaywardson @followyourenergy @dean-is-bi-till-i-die @hekatelilith-blog @avidbkwrm @anarchiana @dickpuncher365 @vampyrosa @authorsararayne @anonymoustitans @mybonsai1976 @love-neve-dies @dustythewind @wayward-winchester67 @angelwithashotgunandtrenchcoat @trashblackrainbow @deeutdutdutdoh @destiel-shipper-11 @larrem88 @charmedbycastiel @ran-savant @little-crazy-misha-minion @samoosetheshipper

@shadows-and-padlocked-hearts @mishtho @dancingtuesdaymorning @nerditoutwithbooks @mikennacac73 @justmeand-myinsight @idontwantpeopletoknowmyname @tenshilover20 @teddybeardoctor @pepevons @helevetica @isthisdestiel @dizzypinwheel @jawnlockwinchester @horsez2 @qanelyytha

@imjustkipping @destielle @agusvedder @spnsmile @shippsblog @robot-feels @superlock-in-the-tardis @superduckbatrebel @2musiclover2 @nickelkit @anon-non2

If you want to be tagged or removed from this list, just let me know!

If you want to read the previous meta from season 12 you can read it here.

Buenos Aires August 25th 2020 6:10 PM

[saharamae21]

All of My Wrongs - Chapter Two

Pairing: Topper x OC and Rafe x OC

Summary: As Rory adjust to her new home, she spends her time trying to reinvent herself. She tries to fit herself into a certain image, just like she’s done in every other place she’s ever been. After accidently offending Topper, she wonders if she will ever truly get along with the others around her, but it actually ends up bringing them closer. 

Thanks @anonymous0writer​ for helping me plan and hyping me up! Love you Mags

Word Count: 2.4K

A/N: Sorry if these first chapters come off as boring. Its going to be a slow moving fic in order for me to really build connections with the characters. I really like it though and I hope you do too… Let me know what you think! I really want some feedback on this…

Also I’m only 6 followers away from 300..... Ahhhhh

Get Added to this Series Tag List

____________________________________________

I walked through the house and tried to get used to all of the marble. It was everywhere. I tried not to wrinkle my nose at the decorations, but I was used to wood and low ceilings. This house was nothing like any place we’ve ever had before. It looked as if we told Skip that he got to pick the next house we lived in. I ascended up the curved staircase and ran my fingers across the white walls. This wasn’t who we were.

I opened the door to my room and was greeted by a queen sized bed. A vanity set stood in the corner and the closet was bigger than some of the rooms I had previously occupied. The room was painted this nice off white and my stuff sat sadly in two boxes. There was no way that I had enough stuff to fill this room. I opened the top box and pulled out some picture frames. They were mostly of my family with a few others mixed in, but I had never really had many friends. After the first few moves I stopped trying to make them, so I wouldn’t miss them when I left. I placed them on the vanity before looking at myself in the mirror.

Staring back at me was a girl who looked scared. It was a reflection of the inner me. On the outside, I was this carefree and fun loving girl who just wanted to have a good time, but when I looked at myself in the mirror, I couldn’t understand how everyone saw that. The girl in front of me was terrified. She shook when people stared at her. She was constantly haunted by a ghost from my past. The ghost stood behind me, looming over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and when I looked back up, they were gone. I just wished that the sad girl staring back at me was gone as well.

“What do you think?” I heard my mom ask. I turned to see her at the threshold. I told her the house was gorgeous. “But does it feel like home?”

“Yeah,” I said, lying to her. I didn’t want to make her feel bad and more importantly, I wanted to stay here. I didn’t want to move again. She smiled at me and asked about my friends. She asked where I stayed last night. “Oh, I met the neighbor boy and his girlfriend. I stayed at her house since Skip locked me out.”

I loved my mom. She was always so bright, like a ray of sunshine. The only weakness she had was her emotions. She had very little control on them and it got even worse after Skip was born. We all got through it though. I sat on my bed and looked at her as she continued to make small talk. I felt bad that I wasn’t as close to her as I used to be. I heard the kitchen timer go off and she told me that she was making cookies for the neighbors. I chuckled thinking about how we always did this. I wondered if Topper’s family would even eat the cookies. She ran downstairs to pull them out of the oven. I laid back in my bed and started up at the ceiling. I wondered how mad my parents would be if I painted it. I promised myself that when we moved into a house for good I would paint the ceiling like the night sky. I always wanted to fall asleep under the stars every night.

“Rory, can you run these to the neighbors while they’re still warm?” I heard my mom shout from downstairs. I sighed and got up, making my way down the steps. I grabbed the plate of cookies and walked out the front door. As soon as I was out, I could hear yells echoing through the air. They were coming from the backyard of Topper’s house. I could hear his mom shouting at him and he was yelling back. I walked into my own backyard and his mom stopped yelling when she saw me.

“Hi,” I said, smiling at her. Somehow, she looked even more uptight than her son. “I’m Aurora Lansing. My family just moved in. My mom asked me to give you these.” I held the plate out for her and she smiled. She took them from me and told me to send gratitude to my mother. Everyone here was way too formal. I glanced over Topper who looked distressed. His mom apologized for the noise and excused herself to bring the cookies into the house.

“Are you okay?” I asked softly. His face was tense, but his eyes were emotionless. I couldn’t tell if he heard me or not, so I took a few steps forward and placed my hand on his arm. He flung my arm off angrily and I stumbled back, missing my footing and falling onto my butt. His eyes expression softened immediately.

“Shit…” he mumbled. “I’m sorry Aurora.”

He helped me up and I brushed myself off. At this point, I really didn’t want to talk to him anymore, but the look in his eyes said he needed something. I asked once again if he was okay. He shook his head. I already knew that though. His emotions read on his face like a book. I hoped that he knew how much trouble that could get him in.

“Wanna get out of here?” I asked. For the first time today, he smiled, even if it was only a little one. He walked to the front of the house with me following a few steps behind. He opened up the door to his huge jeep and I crawled in. He closed it behind me and got behind the wheel. “So are you gonna tell me what’s bothering you?”

“No matter what I do, it's not enough in my mom’s eyes,” he said. I stared at his side profile and he truly looked defeated. I listened to him explain that someone sank their boat and his mom won’t listen to him. He knew that it wasn’t his fault. I sighed as I got a better read on him. He had to live to a certain standard that he might never accomplish. His parents expected nothing less than perfection from him.

“I see why you’re so uptight all the time, Bottom,” I said, trying to lighten the mood. He was less than thrilled.

“Is everything a joke to you?” he asked. I felt my chest tighten. “God, why am I even telling you this?”

“Sorry,” I mumbled. “You know that you don’t have to be perfect though right? Who cares if you don’t fit their standards. I don’t really know you-”

“You’re right. You don’t know me. You don’t get it because you’ve never had to be anything, but your annoying, carefree self,” he muttered angrily at me.

I closed my mouth, not continuing my sentence. However, the thought wouldn’t leave my head. I don’t really know you, but you can’t keep taking pieces of yourself off and reassembling them into something else. You’re going to lose sight of yourself and then what are you left with when you have no pieces left to shape? It’s exhausting and you shouldn’t do that to yourself.

I sat in silence as we turned around to go home. I wanted to keep talking to him, but I clearly wasn’t helping. I stared out the window and stared at the ocean. I felt him look over at me, but I didn’t avert my gaze. We pulled into his driveway and I got out quickly. I began walking back to my house, saying goodbye in the process.

“Aurora-” he said my name and I turned to look at him. I could tell apologizing wasn’t something he did often. He opened his mouth to say it, but nothing came out.

“It’s fine,” I said, before turning around and walking back up to my house.

I walked back up to my room and laid down on my bed. I stared up at the ceiling and thought about if I would truly like it here. I shut my eyes and imagined all the Aurora’s before this one. I remembered when we lived in Washington. That Aurora was cool and couldn’t be bothered. She was the stoic, moody, wallflower type. Then there was Minnesota Aurora. She was adventurous and rebellious. I wondered who Outer Banks Aurora would be. Maybe she could be preppy and snarky like Rafe would probably enjoy. Maybe she could be quite and reserved like Topper would probably enjoy. She could be anything I wanted, except for who I actually was. The real me was annoying and hard to tolerate. She was emotional and sensitive. She was vulnerable.

When I opened my eyes back up, the sun was setting. I sat up and placed a smile upon my face. I looked so natural for how forced it was. I pushed myself up from the bed and opened my bedroom door. The house looked even more ridiculous now that the midday light was gone. The fancy chandelier twinkled brighter than the stars and the stainless steel appliances were shinier than anything I have ever owned in my life. I walked into the kitchen and saw my dad working on some paperwork.

“Hey,” I said, opening the fridge in order to grab myself something to drink. He asked me why I had locked myself up in my room all day. I shrugged in response. This wasn’t unusual behavior for me so he didn’t worry too much. He called it my post-move blues. For him, this was an adjustment period and he didn’t ask too many questions. If only he knew that this was a rebranding period. Everything that I was going to tell Topper not to do, I did every few months. I was such a hypocrite.

My head shot towards the door as a knock echoed through our nearly empty house. My dad and I exchanged a weird look and I told him I would get it. When I opened up the door, Topper stood there awkwardly. He was rubbing his neck with one hand and holding our plate in the other. I felt my shoulders sink a bit when I saw him.

“Hey, I brought your plate back,” he said. “The cookies were really good.”

I took the plate from him and told him that I was glad they enjoyed them. I could tell that he still felt bad about earlier and I wondered if he had even volunteered to bring the dish back. I gave a small smile and thanked him for bringing it back. I grabbed the door handle, not expecting the conversation to continue.

“Wait!” he said, placing a hand on the door. “Can we talk?”

I opened my mouth, but couldn’t find the right words. I nodded and told him to wait there. I ran the plate to the sink and told my dad I would be out for a little bit. I told him not to lock the doors and walked back to the front.

We walked in silence from my front door to his dock. I sat down on the wood panels and dipped my feet in the water. The golden light shined down across the water, but even that beauty wasn’t enough to eliminate the awkward tension that filled the space between us. I pursed my lips together and wondered if he would ever start talking.

“I’m sorry,” he said. I turned my head to look at him and smiled. I told him that it was fine. He wasn’t buying it though. I wondered if every little thing was this big of a deal to him? Did he dwell on every conversation for hours? “I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that. You were just trying to help.” “It’s fine,” I said with a small laugh to let him know that I meant it. I told him that he worried too much and that I wasn’t upset. “You shouldn’t do that to yourself though.”

“Do what?” he asked. His eyes stared at me, clearly engaged in the conversation.

“Expect perfection,” I said with a sigh. “It can be really draining. You’ll run yourself ragged if you continue to shape yourself into a certain image.”

He stared at me as I tried to shake the sad expression from my face. A faint smile painted itself across my face almost in a sarcastic manner. It looked fake unlike any other one he had seen on me. He just nodded and stared back out over the water. He stared at how the water rippled ever so slightly and we sat there, just enjoying another person’s company.

“Hey Aurora?” he asked. I turned to look at him as he spoke. “What do you want to do after this? After high school?”

The truth was far from what I told him. The truth was that I wanted to go to college and make a home for myself. I wanted friends and a family. Most importantly, I wanted to stay in one spot. Surely I would travel, but at the end of the day, I would go back to my home with my family and be happy. I would forget about saving the world and everyone else. I would work on saving me.

“I’ll probably go to college and major in Environmental Sustainability or Journalism. Then, join the peace coup like my parents,” I said. “You know, save the world and stuff. How about you?”

“I’ll go to college in Chapel Hill, just like my mom,” he muttered. “I’ll get a solid job and move back to the Figure Eight.”

“I thought we were talking about dreams, not reality,” I said with a cheeky smile. He smiled back at me before he said something that blew my mind.

“Yeah, but it’s a two way street, Rory,” he said. His smile turned into a smirk as he called me by a nickname for the first time ever. “You don’t get to know mine, if I don’t get to know yours.”

He stood up, holding out his hand to help me up as well. I took it and he gently yanked me to my feet. My smile was uncontrollable and real for the first time in years as I stared at the first person to ever see though my mask. He paid attention in the same way I did. Maybe that’s why he over analyzes everything. The sun was almost completely set at this point. I remember that I had early morning plans with Rafe tomorrow and decided that it was late enough.

“I should head in. Don’t want to get locked out again,” I said with a chuckle, forcing myself to leave despite how intrigued I was. “Night Bottom.”

“Night Rory.”

___________________________________________

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[ft-dads-au]

We Are Unbreakable

Rare Pairs Week 2020 Prompt: Opposites Pairing: Silver x Gildarts

A Collaboration by @mdelpin​ and @oryu404​

AO3 | FF.Net  Takes place after You’re My Fantasy

Summary: When Silver and Gildarts set out to tell their parents of their plan to move in together they experience two very surprising yet opposite reactions.

May 29, 1988

“For God’s sakes Silver, breathe,” Gildarts squeezed his hand quickly, letting go before anyone could see, “It’s gonna be fine. I’ll be on my best behavior, I promise.”

“That doesn’t really make me feel any better,” Silver muttered under his breath.

“I heard that,” Gildarts stopped on the sidewalk, “I can still stay home if you think that would be better.”

“No!” Silver protested, “I’m sorry, I’m just nervous. My dad is... not going to take this well.”

“I’m not gonna pretend to know the first thing about dads, but I mean he’ll either accept us or he won’t.” Gildarts pointed out, “Is that going to change how you feel about me?”

“Of course not!”

“Then what does it matter? We’ll go in and get it over with. Whatever happens, at least we won’t be lying to them anymore. Then we’ll go see my mom, be home early enough to go a few rounds. I’ll get my roommate out of my room somehow,” Gildarts grinned confidently, and it made shivers run up Silver’s spine.

It always felt like his boyfriend never worried about anything, and yet somehow, things usually worked out the way he wanted. Silver worried about everything. What people thought of him, his grades, his performance on his hockey team, his future. All in a bid to please a man who was at best distant. The same man they were going to see today.

It had taken him months to get up the courage to ask Gildarts to move in with him, going against every single belief he’d ever been taught. In that time, he’d brought up all his grades, gotten a job as a research assistant at one of the labs on campus, and applied to the same graduate school as Gildarts. All in preparation for this moment.

Silver had taken his future into his own hands so that he could tell his father that he didn’t need his approval or his financial support to be with the man he loved. He could stand on his own. But now that the moment was finally here, he was terrified.

Silver desperately wanted his family to like Gildarts. To see how kind, fun-loving and intelligent he was, and how absolutely perfect they were for each other. How much he needed him.

The best way he could explain it was like this. His whole life he’d felt like he’d been waiting for something, never really being able to pinpoint what it was. When he’d seen Gildarts at that bar the first time, surrounded by women but looking bored behind his smile, it had intrigued him. He could only imagine that was how he often looked as well.

It hadn’t helped that he was incredibly attractive. Enough for Silver to break his own rule of approaching other men on campus, well aware it was dangerous. But he couldn’t help himself. He’d been drawn to the other, much like a magnet is attracted to its opposite pole.

And he hadn’t been disappointed. From that first night, Silver had been smitten, and the moment he’d sensed that Gildarts had been interested, he’d pursued him shamelessly. Even going to the extent of learning his schedule so he could bump into him on campus.

Little by little, his efforts paid off, and that first time that Gildarts held his hand, it was like he’d released a breath he never knew he’d been holding. It had been the most liberating experience of his life, and it had only gotten better as their relationship deepened. He couldn’t give that up.

No, he wouldn’t give that up, no matter what obstacles his father tried to put in his way. He could feel Gildarts watching him, and when he looked up, he saw the concern reflected in his dark green eyes.

“We’ll be fine,” Silver reassured him, giving him the biggest smile he could muster. “Are you ready? We’re almost there.”

“Yeah, although I think I should have brought something stronger,” Gildarts looked down at the bottle of scotch he’d brought as a present for Silver’s father.

Silver snorted, “It’s not for you, moron.”

“You never know,” Gildarts mumbled, showing his nerves for the first time since they had left the college campus.

Silver took a quick look around, and when he didn’t see anyone, he whispered I love you and gave Gildarts a quick peck on the cheek.

“That’s it right there,” Silver pointed to the house he’d grown up in. It didn’t surprise him that everything still looked pristine. The garden was in perfect condition, and the layer of paint on both the house’s slats and the classic white picket fence looked brand new, as always.

They approached it slowly, enjoying their last few minutes together before they faced their first hurdle of the day. Silver gazed at Gildarts one last time, hooking their pinkies together briefly before opening the door.

“Ma, I’m home,” Silver yelled out, closing the door behind them.

“Hey Loser!” Ur, his twin sister, ran down the stairs and threw herself at him.

“Who’re you calling loser?” Silver teased after giving her a big hug, “I believe MU kicked Lamia’s ass all season.”

“Whatever,” Ur scoffed, stepping back to appraise Gildarts. “Who’s your friend? He’s gorgeous.”

“This is Gildarts,” Silver began, but he should have known better. Some things were just too ingrained in his boyfriend.

“Not half as gorgeous as you,” Gildarts practically beamed at Ur, “Damn Silver, you didn’t tell me your sister was so beautiful.”

“You are incorrigible,” Silver elbowed his boyfriend good-naturedly as Gildarts chuckled, winking at him to let him know he didn’t mean anything by it. “This is my twin sister Ur.”

Ur looked from one to the other, and Silver could pinpoint the moment she realized this was the guy he’d been telling her about. Her eyes darted to their father’s study and then settled on him. She raised her eyebrow at him, and he nodded, letting her know that was indeed what he was planning. They knew each other so well that half the time, they didn’t need words to communicate.

Before anything else could be said, his mother came out of the kitchen wearing one of her flowery aprons. “Silver, you’re home!”

“Hey mom, “Silver hugged her tightly. Ever since he’d started dating Gildarts, he’d been coming home less often, wanting to spend most of his free time with him, especially now that he was also working.

“I made all your favorites. Is this your friend?”

“Gildarts Clive, nice to meet you. These are for you,” Gildarts handed her the large bouquet they’d bought the previous day at Rose of Yüen, a flower shop in town. “It was kind of you to invite me, Mrs. Fullbuster.”

“Call me Elise, it’s so exciting to meet one of Silver’s friends, he rarely brings any home,” she admired the flowers, “These are beautiful, thank you so much! Argent, get out here, Silver’s home.”

“I’ll be right back, I’m going to put these in some water,” Elise announced before disappearing into the kitchen.

Silver felt the muscles of his stomach tense up as soon as he heard the sound of his father’s chair scraping the floor, signaling his imminent arrival. He stared at the door of his father’s study with trepidation, preparing himself for what was to come. He felt a hand grip his and squeeze it tightly. He was touched to see his sister giving him an encouraging smile.

It wasn’t enough.

The door opened, revealing Argent Fullbuster, a tall, broad-shouldered man with short dark hair that was starting to gray. He flashed Silver a smile, “Silver, my boy!”

Argent walked past Gildarts, for the moment giving him only the most cursory of glances as he beelined towards his son, enveloping him in a bear hug before examining him intently.

“You look good. We barely see you anymore,” Argent complained before grinning at him with a knowing expression, “What’s her name?”

Silver chuckled nervously, “No girlfriend, I got a job, actually. I’m working as a research assistant at one of the labs on campus.”

“Wonderful, it’s good to see you stepping up,” Argent patted him on the shoulder, “Did you apply to graduate school like we’d discussed?”

“Yes, sir, I -,”

“Stop interrogating him, Argent,” Elise scolded, returning from the kitchen with a large vase that she placed on the dinner table as a centerpiece. “This is Silver’s friend from school, Gildarts.”

Argent turned his attention to Gildarts, holding out his hand in greeting, “Nice to meet you, I’m Argent Fullbuster.”

Silver watched Gildarts shake his father’s hand, grateful that he didn’t do anything over the top. He really was on his best behavior.

His mother interrupted his observation, “Dinner’s ready, Ur and Silver, please set the table?”

Elise grabbed Gildarts by the arm as Ur and Silver headed to the kitchen. Silver looked back to see his boyfriend looking lost between his parents.

Ur grabbed plates and cutlery, making as much noise as she could manage so they could talk. “Are you sure about this?” she whispered.

“We’re moving in together,” Silver confessed, “We found an apartment last week, we’re moving in on June 1.”

“Holy shit, Sil, that’s huge!” She grinned, giving him a hug, “I’m so happy for you! And he’s so hot, why can’t I get a guy like that?”

Silver smirked, “I have to imagine most guys at Lamia are terrified of you.”

“Only the boring ones,” Ur retorted, “Sadly the remaining ones are no good for me.”

Silver snickered, knowing she was probably right. He was starting to relax when he heard his mother giggling in a way he’d never heard before, followed by his father’s loud guffaws. Gildarts must be working his charm. For one moment, he dared to believe everything would be alright.

“That guy of yours sure is something, huh? Didn’t know Mom could laugh like that.”

“Tell me the truth, how do you think they’re going to take it?”

Ur shrugged her shoulders helplessly, and Silver appreciated her honesty, but it did only made him even more nervous.

“I’ll back you up,” Ur assured him as she grabbed the utensils, letting Silver grab the heavier plates.

“Thanks.”

They entered the dining room to find Argent had already opened the Scotch bottle and was sharing a drink with Gildarts while Elise filled everyone’s water glasses. Silver and Ur set the table, and as the food was already laid out, they all sat down to eat.

Ur sat next to him, while Gildarts ended up on the other side of the table. His parents sat at the ends.

“So tell me, Gildarts, do you play hockey like Silver?” Elise asked, serving slices of the beef roast onto a plate.

“No, I don’t really do team sports. I train in a few different martial arts.”

“Is that the kicking thing from Alakitasia?” Argent asked, frowning.

“I believe a lot of them started in Alakitasia, yes,” Gildarts acknowledged, “I was bullied a lot as a kid, so my mother thought I should learn to defend myself.”

“Didn’t your father teach you?” Argent grilled.

“Dad!” Silver protested before his father could continue on what he knew was a touchy subject.

“It’s fine, Silver.” Gildarts gave him a terse smile, before answering his father. “I’ve never met my father, Sir. He abandoned my mother before I was born.”

“Oh, Silver,” Elise changed the subject, “Mika was over here yesterday to see Ur. Have you talked to her lately? You two used to be so cute together. If you’re not seeing anyone, maybe you should give her a call.”

Silver could feel Gildarts eyes on him, urging him to just get it out, and he knew there likely wouldn’t be a better chance than the one his mother had unknowingly given him.

“I, uhm, didn’t say I wasn’t seeing anyone, just that I didn’t have a girlfriend.”

“Playing the field is all well and good son, but you’re not a kid anymore. You should really start thinking about finding a nice girl and settling down,” his dad commented as he was cutting his meat, his eyes not leaving the plate in front of him.

“That’s not what I said,” Silver cleared his throat, “I am seeing someone.”

“Well, which is it?” Argent looked up with the same face he’d had every time Silver had done something he wasn’t supposed to do as a kid, “Do you have a girlfriend or don’t you?”

He could feel Gildarts’ foot press against his, the only comfort he was able to offer from his current position.

“I d-don’t,” Silver did his best to meet his father’s irritated glare head-on. “I have a boyfriend.”

His declaration was met with silence, but he knew that wouldn’t last long. He could hear his heart beating in his head, and as he watched his father’s face, he saw the struggle.

And then Argent started to laugh, “A boyfriend, huh? That’s a good one! You looked so serious, I almost believed you. Next thing you’re gonna tell me it’s Gildarts.”

Argent peered at Gildarts, expecting to see him sharing his laughter.

Silver had no idea what his face looked like, but Ur had grabbed his hand under the table and was squeezing it as hard as she was able, and that was the only thing keeping him grounded as his panic grew.

“That would be correct, Sir,” Gildarts finally replied, his expression unreadable even to Silver, who knew him so well.

“Now see here, boys, I like a good joke just as much as the next guy but this has gone far enough.”

“Silver?” Elise called out, her voice fluctuating between a question and a plea, “Is this true?”

“Yeah,” Silver managed to look at her, recoiling when he saw the disappointment in her eyes. Any hope he might have had of her support dashed. “Gildarts and I have been together for over a year. We’re getting an apartment together.”

“Like hell, you are!” Argent snapped, slamming his hand on the table so hard all the drinks spilled.

“Argent, calm down, not in front of our guest!” Elise pleaded, rushing to get some paper towels to sop up the water and scotch that was dripping everywhere.

“That is not a guest, and he needs to go. NOW!”

“There’s nothing wrong with them being together,” Ur stood up for them, “There are some gay couples at Lamia, no one even blinks an eye.”

Argent pretended not to hear her. Silver appreciated the gesture, but he couldn’t seem to say anything. He was frozen, terrified of the anger he could see on his father’s face. All the words he’d practiced, everything he’d done to prepare himself for this moment completely escaping him.

“Silver, I’d like a word with you,” Argent seethed, getting up from the table and glaring at Gildarts, “As for you, I would like you gone by the time we come out. You are not welcome in this house.”

To his credit, Gildarts didn’t say anything, merely watched Argent walk into his study and slam the door. As soon as the door was closed, he rushed to Silver’s side, “Are you okay?”

Silver could only nod, already filled with dread at what surely awaited him.

“Do you want me to go in there with you? Cause I will.”

“It will only make things worse,” Silver stood up and hugged him tightly, knowing Gildarts wouldn’t do it out of respect for his parents, but he needed to feel him, to remember why he was doing all this.

“I’ll be okay,” he assured him.

“Of course you will, you’re one of the strongest people I know,” Gildarts hugged him back.

“Tell me you love me?”

“You know I do,” Gildarts kissed his cheek, “I’ve never loved anyone else.”

And although he knew he shouldn’t keep his father waiting too long, he couldn’t seem to let go of the warm embrace.

“I’ll be waiting right outside for you, okay?” Gildarts patted him on the back, letting go slowly and leaning in to give him the chastest of kisses. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Silver smiled up at his boyfriend. They gazed into each other’s eyes, engaging in a silent conversation, ignoring the fact that both his mother and sister were watching them.

“Sil, you shouldn’t keep him waiting long,” Ur reminded him, “It’s only going to make him angrier.”

“Thank you again for the invitation, Mrs. Fullbuster, I apologize for the unpleasantness,” Gildarts offered her a smile, “Ur, it was nice to finally meet you.”

Gildarts mouthed Right outside at Silver before showing himself out.

God, he loved him. He walked towards his father’s study, and just as he was about to turn the knob, he heard his mother ask, “Do you really love him?”

Silver could only nod as he entered the room and closed the door behind him.

0-0

Gildarts sat on the front steps of the house, waiting for Silver to come out. He quickly stood up when he heard the door open. He could hear Argent screaming, and it took every bit of his self-control to stay where he was and let Silver handle it on his own.

“I’m so sorry you had to listen to all that,” Ur came outside, and Gildarts hurried to close the door for her when he noticed her hands were full. She had brought out a tray with two plates and two beers.

“We didn’t really expect it to go well,” Gildarts shrugged, accepting the beer but shaking his head at the food. “Thanks, but I’m not really hungry.”

“Right,” Ur put the tray down on the steps, “Me either.”

“You didn’t seem surprised,” Gildarts commented, “Did you already know?”

“I mean, I’ve always known he was bi. Up until we went to different colleges, we did pretty much everything together. He didn’t tell me you were dating, but he mentioned you a lot, so I suspected. I figured out the rest when I saw you together.”

Gildarts nodded, “I’d hoped that it would go better.”

“I’m sorry,” Ur patted his shoulder, “My dad isn’t a bad man, but he has some very definite ideas about relationships. Silver knew that. It’s why he never told them. He figured he was gonna end up marrying a girl anyway, so what was the point.”

“I never felt like this about anyone,” he didn’t know why he felt the need to explain himself, but it was important to him that Ur knew he wasn’t playing with Silver. “I sort of thought I’d just always be alone, you know? But then he came into my life and just blew everything I thought I knew away. I don’t even know what I am, I just know that he makes me happy.”

Ur offered him a smile, “That’s beautiful. I wish I could tell you it will blow over, but I don’t know. The men in this family are super stubborn, it’s probably gonna get worse before it gets any better.”

Gildarts chuckled, “Yeah, Silver’s pretty stubborn too.”

“Does your mother know already?”

“Nah, we’re going there next, figured we might as well get it over with all at once.”

Ur offered him her beer, “Here, you’re probably gonna need this more than me.”

Gildarts thought about it for a moment and, with a jolt, realized she was right. “Thanks.”

“Take care of him, okay? Dad has always been tough on him, and Silver has done everything he can to impress him. Even if he tries not to show it, this is going to be hard on him.”

“I will,” Gildarts promised, already changing their plans for the evening.

“I better get back inside, it was really nice to meet you, Gildarts,” she squeezed his hand.

“Yeah, same.”

She opened the door, and screams that had been muffled rang perfectly clear now that the study door had been opened.

“I DON’T CARE IF YOU CUT ME OFF, I CAN DO IT ON MY OWN!”

Silver’s voice came through loud and clear, and Ur and Gildarts stared at each other in shock, watching him leave the room.

“GET BACK HERE, I’M NOT DONE TALKING TO YOU!”

“Silver, Argent, please!” Elise begged as Argent flew out of the room in a rage, chasing after Silver. He grabbed him by the shoulder and turned him to face him.

Silver immediately shoved him hard, pushing him into the wall, leaving a dent in the drywall.

“How dare you?” Argent stood livid for one moment, enraged by the defiance as well as the destruction of his home, and then he lost all control. He grabbed Silver by the front of his shirt and threw him into the china cabinet as hard as he could.

The glass doors shattered as Silver’s body slammed through them like a rag doll, his momentum pushing him through until he hit the back of the large piece of furniture, obliterating it. Shards of glass shelves and pieces of broken china were transformed into sharp projectiles that rained atop Silver’s body.

“Argent! It’s just stuff, it’s okay,” Elise begged, placing herself in front of Silver with her hands held up in surrender.

“Elise, get out of the way,” Argent demanded, his fists clenching at his sides.

“N-no, you’re too angry, you’re going to hurt him, and I won’t let you.”

“He’s bleeding!” Ur screamed, having gone to check on her brother while her parents argued.

That was all Gildarts needed to hear to rush into the house, manners be damned.

“Get away from him, faggot! “Argent yelled, turning his anger on Gildarts.

It shocked him, the hatred he heard in that word, one that had never been used to describe him before, but he shoved it aside. He was more concerned with the large number of cuts on Silver’s arms, all of which were bleeding. Not to mention the shards of glass that were still lodged in him and would have to be carefully pulled out.

“My boyfriend is hurt, so unless you have something useful to say, shut the fuck up and get out of my way,” he snarled.

He could tell that Argent was not used to being spoken to in that manner, and he gave exactly zero fucks about his feelings. He checked Silver’s breathing and checked his eyes.

“Can you hear me?” he asked, not liking how out of it Silver seemed.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just let me-”

“Don’t move,” Gildarts commanded, running his fingers through Silver’s hair, grimacing at the glass that was in there and the blood he could see on his fingers. “Shit, you’re covered in glass. This is gonna be a bitch.”

“Ur,” he called out, not wanting to take his eyes off his boyfriend.

“Yeah, I’m right behind you.”

Gildarts took his wallet out of his pocket and grabbed a card that was tucked inside it, “Call my mother, she’s a doctor,” he instructed, giving her the card. “Don’t give her a chance to rant, just tell her what happened and that I’m bringing Silver to her place.”

“Okay,” Ur ran off, and he could hear her talking, she sounded relatively calm. Good, his mom didn’t do well with panicked people. Completely lost her shit on them.

Argent started to move toward them, and Gildarts had no idea what his intentions were, but he’d be damned if he let him anywhere near Silver while he was hurt.

“You’re not taking him anywhere,” Argent roared, “this is all your fault, anyway!”

“Argent, Silver’s hurt,” Elise tried to reason with her husband, cautiously placing a hand on his arm to hold him back, “Please…”

Gildarts was about to respond when he noticed the sadness in Silver’s expression, and he managed to bite his tongue before he said any of the things that he knew the man deserved to hear.

“I honestly don’t care whether you like me or not, but you are Silver’s father, so I am going to warn you this once,” Gildarts growled, “you don’t want to mess with me when someone I love is hurt.”

Ur ran back into the room, “She said some things I can’t repeat, but she’ll be ready for you.”

Gildarts chuckled. “That’s my mom, alright.”

“Can you call us a cab? I don’t want to make him walk,” Gildarts asked as he lifted Silver carefully from within the remains of the china cabinet, being wary of the glass that continued to fall with every move of Silver’s body.

“I’m sorry, I made a mess of things,” Silver mumbled, looking embarrassed.

“You did no such thing,” Gildarts soothed, checking for the source of the blood now that Silver was up and paling at what he saw.

In addition to the head wound, Silver had many cuts on the back of his arms. Gildarts could also see there was a large bloodstain forming on his shirt, just under one of his shoulder blades.

“I’ll drive you,” Ur declared, “Just let me get my keys.” She rushed up the stairs, reappearing less than a minute later.

“Silver, if you leave with him now, I will cut you off,” Argent stated calmly. “You will be responsible for yourself.”

Tears welled in the corners of Silver’s eyes when he said, “I love him,” and it almost broke Gildarts heart. How could anyone mistreat someone they cared about this badly? It was not something he could understand.

“We don’t need you,” Gildarts spat. He draped Silver’s arm around his neck, placing his arm around the man’s waist, trying to bear as much of his weight as he could. Although he knew there was nothing he could do to really help the pain that Silver must be feeling with those injuries.

Ur did the same on Silver’s other side, and between the two of them, they managed to get him outside and into the car, ignoring Elise’s sobs as she saw the condition Silver was in and the group of neighbors that had been lured out by the yelling.

Gildarts sat in the backseat with Silver, carefully stretching him out and being careful not to jostle him too much.

“Is it bad?” Silver asked, “My back feels funny.”

“You’ll be fine, my mom’s a great doctor, although I apologize in advance.”

“Huh?”

“You’ll see,” Ur and Gildarts replied at the same time, but they were both too worried to laugh.

Gildarts gave Ur directions to his mother’s house, and they remained silent for the rest of the short ride.

0-0

“You idiot! What do you think I am, the town ER?!”

Gildarts’ mother was already waiting by the front door when they arrived and carried Silver through the door of her treatment room, where she’d prepared all the things she’d expected to need.

“Well, we were supposed to be coming here anyway,” Gildarts retorted, flashing his mother his most charming smile and managing to look completely unrepentant, “At least we called first?”

“Save it.”

Carefully, they helped Silver sit down on the treatment table, ignoring all the complaints Gildarts’ mother was muttering beneath her breath as she washed her hands and put on a pair of sterile gloves.

“Mom, this is Silver,” Gildarts introduced quickly, “Silver, this is my mother, Porlyusica Clive.”

“Nice to meet you,” Silver offered his hand in greeting, grimacing when he saw how shaky it was, “I’m sorry to barge in on you like this.”

“Everything’s gonna be fine, my mom’s gonna fix you right up,” Gildarts squeezed Silver’s thigh, not wanting to touch near his injuries, “She might not look like much, but she’s really good at what she does.”

“God, I still can’t believe that happened,” Ur fumed as she was finally able to look at her brother’s injuries.

“Okay, that’s it! You two-” she gestured towards Gildarts and Ur, “out. I don’t need any busybodies while I’m working. Go buy food. I am not cooking after this, and if I’m not done when you return, go sit outside or something, the weather’s nice.”

“But-” Gildarts wanted to argue, but one look at his mother’s face was enough for him to think better of it. “Okay, okay, we’re leaving.”

“As for you,” she spoke with a stern voice, observing the stains of blood that were seeping through his clothes. “Say goodbye to your shirt.”

Without further warning, she grabbed a pair of scissors and started cutting his shirt into pieces, removing them one by one so she had better access to the wounds that had been underneath.

Silver was suddenly left alone with Gildarts’ mother, who somehow seemed to be more terrifying than his own father.

“Who did this to you?” Porlyusica growled, observing the bruises that were forming below his shoulder blades on top of the glass and what looked to be a head injury.

“It was an accident, I-I shouldn’t have shoved him,” Silver hurried to explain.

“Gildarts did this to you?” Poylusica’s eyes widened in angry shock, right before she glanced at the door through which Gildarts and Ur just left.

“No, he’d never,” Silver reassured, “My- my dad.”

“Looks like you’re in luck, it isn’t half as bad as it looks.” Porlyusica mused, rinsing his hair with saline solution to get a better view of his head wound.

“So you told them first.”

“W-what?”

“I’m not stupid, son,” Porlyusica chuckled, “Gildarts has never once in his life asked to bring someone home. The fact that he did so is pretty telling.”

She put some skin glue onto the cut in Silver’s scalp and pressed the edges of the cut together. Then, she moved on to the wounds in his arms, grabbing a pair of tweezers and starting to pick pieces of glass out of Silver’s skin, placing them all into a kidney-shaped metal dish.

“Some of these are going to need stitches. Do you want me to give you some local anesthetics, or do you think you can do without?”

“No, it’s fine, just get it over with.”

Silver hissed and clenched his jaw as Porlyusica cleaned the nasty cuts on his arms and sutured the deepest ones. The wound below his shoulder hurt the most, the flesh around the cut was sore and bruised from where he’d crashed into the cabinet’s metal doorknob. Thankfully, she was amazingly skilled at her job, and it was over before he knew it, leaving only a few shallow cuts and scrapes to be bandaged.

“So you’re not, uhm, disgusted?” Silver frowned in confusion, “About us?” he added, wanting to make sure she didn’t think he was referring to the injuries or the way he got them.

“A little surprised, maybe, but why would I care who he loves? As long as he’s happy, that’s good enough for me.”

“But you sent him away,” Silver continued, he didn’t know what to make of this woman.

“Yeah, he was only going to get in the way. The girl, is she the one who called me?”

Silver nodded, “That’s my sister.”

“She’s got a good head on her shoulders, most people panic at first sight of blood.” Porlyusica continued to apply bandages as she talked.

“Gildarts, is he, is he doing okay?” she asked, and Silver had to smile at the concern in her voice. “He doesn’t talk about school much, and I know he used to have a hard time.”

“He’s been doing good. Since he hasn’t been chasing after every skirt on campus, he’s been studying a lot more.”

Porlyusica snorted, “Never thought I’d see the day.”

“He’s smarter than he lets on,” Silver remarked, knowing how much Gildarts enjoyed it when people underestimated him.

“You don’t have to tell me that, idiot, I’m his mother,” Porlyusica snapped, “but I’m glad you realize it. How long have you been together?”

“Don’t you want to wait for Gildarts to talk about this?”

“I get the feeling I’ll get more from you. Besides, it will help keep your mind off the things I still have to do. Relax your arm, I need to give you a tetanus shot, your sister said you haven’t had one in a while.”

Silver tried to relax, thinking about what he wanted to share with her as he felt the slight pinch of the needle piercing his skin.

“Owww! Uhm, we’ve been together over a year now, we’re moving into an apartment in a few days.”

“Is that what you were coming to tell me today?”

Silver nodded, “Gildarts wanted to be honest with all of you before we moved in together.”

Porlyusica smiled, proud of her son’s actions, “Gildarts never had much growing up. No father, no money. He was picked on constantly, and he had me for a mother. I have no idea how he turned out as well as he did.”

“I wish my parents had taken it as well as you,” Silver sighed, looking down at his arms.

“In my experience, humans are self-centered, ignorant beings. That’s why I hate them,” Porlyusica declared with flashing red eyes, and Silver couldn’t tell if she was joking or not, but her expression soon softened. “This path you’ve both chosen, it won’t be easy. You might come to regret it in time.”

“I know it won’t be easy, but it’s the right one.”

“I won’t ask you if you love him, I doubt you’d put yourself through all this if you didn’t. But if you ever change your mind, please be honest with him. Gildarts has already been hurt enough by people who should have loved him.”

“I’d never purposely hurt him.”

“See that you don’t.” Porlyusica patted his hand gently, signaling that she was done, and he stood up from the treatment table, suddenly remembering his shirt had been cut away.

“Gildarts room is through that door, you can find some shirts in there, maybe try to take a nap or something. They should be back soon.”

“Thank you for taking care of me.” He wanted to say more. How much her approval meant to him, how thankful he was that Gildarts wouldn’t have to deal with any of the things that were probably in his future, but the words wouldn’t come.

“Don’t make a habit of it,” Porlyusica warned. She handed him two bottles of pills, painkillers and antibiotics, along with a cup of water. “Take one of each, 4 times a day, starting now,” she instructed, waiting for him to swallow the pills, and then proceeded to ignore him as she went about cleaning up her treatment room.

Silver wanted to check out Gildarts’ bedroom, but he was too tired, so instead, he collapsed on the bed and tried to find a comfortable position.

0-0

Silver woke to find it was already dark outside. The room was illuminated by a dim night light, and though he could feel Gildarts next to him, Silver couldn’t tell whether he was asleep or awake until he spoke to him.

“How are you feeling?”

“I hurt pretty much everywhere,” Silver admitted, “How long was I out?”

“You missed dinner, are you hungry? I got some of your favorite pizza.”

“Not right now,” he hissed as he sought for a more comfortable position and felt sore all over.

“Did my mom treat you okay? She can be a bit much,” Gildarts fretted, his hands moving towards Silver but holding back at the last minute.

“She’s not at all what I expected, but I like her. And, you know, she didn’t break any furniture with me, so...” Silver shrugged, trying to make light of the situation, but deciding it hadn’t been worth it when Gildarts didn’t laugh. All he’d managed was to reawaken the pain in his shoulders.

“I’m so sorry, Sil,” Gildarts said softly, “When I said we should be honest with our parents, I never thought it would lead to this. I didn’t realize-, this is all my fault.”

“It was mine, I shouldn’t have shoved him, I just angered him even more.”

“Are you mad? You didn’t do anything to deserve that!” Gildarts protested.

“Can we not talk about this now?”

He could feel Gildarts fume next to him and tried to defuse him, “You’re so cute when you’re overprotective.” he chuckled. “I don’t think anyone’s ever talked to Argent like that before. It was kinda hot.”

“Don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t pretend you’re not heartbroken over this, I saw your face. This isn’t going to go away.”

“I know, but just for tonight, can we not? I need time to process what happened, it hasn’t really sunk in yet. Did Ur go home?”

“Yeah, she sat with you for a little while, then went to tell your mom you’re okay,” Gildarts recounted, “I don’t think she was planning on staying at yours, though.”

“So your mother, my sister. It’s not much, but it’s a start.” Suddenly remembering Porlyusica’s appearance, Silver tried to picture what Gildarts would’ve looked like if he’d inherited her pink hair and dissolved into painful giggles.

Gildarts peered at him with concern, and Silver could only imagine he must be thinking he’d finally lost it, but a smile tugged at the corner of his lips, and it made Silver want to kiss him desperately.

“What’s that about?” Gildarts asked.

“I was just thinking that you could have been my little sakura,” Silver giggled some more, feeling some of the tension leave him.

“How many times am I going to have to remind you there’s nothing little about me?” Gildarts teased, making Silver laugh even more.

“As many times as you want,” Silver grinned, moving slowly until he had managed to straddle his boyfriend, still desperate for that kiss.

He sat there without moving, wanting a moment to take in everything that was Gildarts. The concern in his eyes, the playful smile that promised mischief if he were up to it. The love that just radiated from his being. All for him.

They’d done it, they’d come clean to their parents, and despite their rather opposite reactions to the news, it changed nothing between them. They belonged to each other, Silver was sure of that, and he’d do everything in his power to not let his parents’ disapproval come between them. He’d just have to work harder to be able to pay for things. He could do that.

Silver finally leaned down, barely brushing his lips on Gildarts’, smirking when he grumbled and gently pulled Silver down until their lips met and their tongues danced. As always happened between them, things escalated quickly. Gildarts was beginning to strip his clothes when they were both doused with a bucket of cold water.

“What the fuck, Mom?!” Gildarts yelled.

“Keep it down!” Porlyusica shrieked, “Some of us are trying to sleep! And you-” she glared at Silver, “This is not what I meant by bed rest, keep your goddamn dick in your pants!”

“Yes, ma’am!” they chorused, mortified at having been caught.

“Stupid humans,” Porlyusica muttered on her way out, her solo rant sounding through the hallway until she’d retreated to her own bedroom and slammed the door.

After she left, they burst into giggles, and Silver got off Gildarts, laying back down on the bed. Gildarts got up and grabbed some towels from his bathroom and sheets from the linen closet. He helped Silver off the bed and dried him off, finding him some clothes to replace his sodden ones. Once everything was back in place, Gildarts waited until Silver snuggled into him before pulling up the sheets around them.

He kissed his head lovingly, “Three more days.”

“Hmm?”

“In three more days, we’ll get to do this forever, without interruptions,” Gildarts reminded him, a dreamy smile softening his features, “I can’t wait.”

Silver’s heart fluttered in response, head full of his own dreams for them. “Me either.”

[toonstarterz]

BECAUSE I’M NOT POPULAR, I’LL READ WATAMOTE: CHAPTER #160

After a long week of repeating quizzes, forging apology letters, and unexpected-but-not-really bonding, Tomoko and Yoshida are finally free to go. As the barrier separating Tomoko’s suspension and the outside world with her friends is finally lifted, we get to see just how both parties have grown from this experience. Even if Tomoko’s apology was more or less half-assed, something may have been gained after all...

Chapter 160: Because I’m Not Popular, It’s The Last Day Of Suspension

Whaddup, Tomoki? Your eye bags aren’t so heavy today. Is that artistic oversight, or has Tomoko’s suspension taken a load off your stress level?

Oh yeah, I had forgotten that Tomoki heads to school earlier than Tomoko does. He used to get really anal about avoiding his sister in the mornings, but it looks like he’s not so objectionable about it anymore... 

Is that how it works? I've never worked at a huge company with a sports club other than a fantasy football league, so I don’t have much of a reference. But if Tomoko is correct, then my assumption is that the sports clubs are used to indirectly promote “company loyalty” and get more work mileage out of their employees.  

It’s casual conversations like this that really show just much Tomoko and Tomoki’s sibling relationship has improved since way back then. Sure, they still take potshots at each other, but it’s more in the realm of affectionate brother-sister banter now. The days where they openly held the other with actual disdain have finally come to an end.

Not that they want to look particularly close when out in public, of course. 

It’s only the second page, and we’re already getting hit with the heartwarming feels? Damn, this is gonna be a tearjerker chapter, ain’t it?

As this chapter soon verifies, the last day of suspension is nothing short of formalities and kissing ass. 

Wow, it took the whole week to get full marks on those worksheets? Maybe I’m missing something here, but I’m not sure they’re really learning anything from those suspension packets if they’re just regurgitating answers.

Also, Dead-Eyes Teacher can actually smile? How about that.

Tomoko’s apathy towards her progress here leaves me wondering: Just how much do the teachers really think suspension is inspiring students to do better? My guess has always been that suspension is like a prison in principle in that it’s more about reforming them than punishment. It may work for some, though I’m inclined to believe that most of them just want to pay their dues and leave with very little actual reflection on their actions, like Yoshida’s perpetually blank face seems to suggest.   

Well, I suppose the lack of classroom distractions had to account for something, right? Though having her friends around could be seen as both a hindrance and a benefit towards her study habits.

There’snospecialmeaningforwhyMakosaidYoshida’snamefirst. 

There’snospecialmeaningforwhyMakosaidYoshida’snamefirst.

There’snospecialmeaningforwhyMakosaidYoshida’snamefirst.

There’snospecialmeaningforwhyMakosaidYoshida’snamefirst.

...darn it.

So on the Indifference Scale, she just slightly dips in favor of wanting to see them.

Oh Yuri, I know that being noncommittal is kind of your thing, but no one’s going to give you a hard time for wanting to see your friends, especially Mako. 

Do I sense a flash mob in the workings here? That’d be pretty lit.

So Katou actually does have some awareness that the idiosyncrasies of her behavior are, in fact, idiosyncrasies. I guess you don’t get to be as beloved as Katou unless you had some common sense. 

Even though we all already knew the answer, there’s something oddly relieving to hear it from Katou herself. I think it’s largely out of a sense of empathy for Fuuka, since she’s been strung along for so long, but also because it comes across as “humbling” to hear the on-top-of-the-pedestal Katou accept the truth.

That’s what happens when your expectations don’t match up with reality. You build up this impression for so long that you can’t help but feel jaded when it turns out to not be true, even if you didn’t actually want it to happen.

I call it the Ucchi Effect. 

Nooooo, Katou, you had it in the bag! You should have quit while you’re ahead!

But yeah. Katou didn’t really need to bring this up, so a part of me wants to think that she’s using the whole hair-touching moment as a consolation when the whole groping thing didn’t work out. 

Still, it’s kind of unnerving that she finds the idea of Tomoko, or anyone really wanting to touch her...there to be so humorous...

What goes around comes around. Stay strong, Fuuka. 

We get to see Yoshida’s mom?!?!

Officially the best chapter ever. 

I love how this whole time, the teachers have been pestering Yoshida to look more presentable. I’m not sure if Yoshida is being actively defiant or if she’s just clueless about these sorts of things, but I do appreciate that she complies without much fuss.

Getting those parent-teacher conference vibes right about now. The only difference is that those are some swanky couches.

I wonder if Nico Tanigawa just drew up a bunch of random old guys for this “Presidents Throughout The Years” or if they were based on real people. 

So...Yoshida’s mom. She definitely has the air of a high-powered career woman, what with the suit and all. It’s pretty ironic considering she has a delinquent like Yoshida for a daughter, but at the same time, maybe it isn’t. It’s been hinted before that Yoshida may come from a well-off family, so having a mom making a generous salary seems pretty plausible. Makes you wonder if Yoshida’s delinquent-ness is some form of rebellion...

I totally expected that Tomoko and Yoshida would have to do something like this, but still. FUUUUUUUUU–

In the immortal words of Tomoko Kuroki...

“How do I bullshit my way out of this one?”

Well, for what it’s worth, the principal looks like a nice, reasonable guy. But as Tomoko has proven time and again, you can never be too careful. Though I have to say, I’m surprised Tomoko would even consider screwing around instead of going right for the safe option. Having an active social life has really given her enough courage to take some risks, even if they end up with bad results more often than not.

So she thinks the principal is one of those perpetually smiling assassins you see in isekai series? That’s really chuuni and I love it.

So in the end, she takes the safe route. Fair enough, but her response is so stock and wooden that you just know it's gonna come to bite her in the ass.

In the midst of all the bullshitting, some of Tomoko’s honestly ends up rising to the surface. It’s the kind of unintended sincerity that really warms my heart. This whole arc has been a great opportunity for the adults in Tomoko’s life to recognize her unexpected popularity, so I’m sure Principal-san will offer some words of wisdom that Tomoko will take to heart for the rest for her li–

Nah, just kidding. Principal’s a troll.

I find it hilarious that Reina’s been put through the suspension wringer so many times, that it stopped being anything worth remembering. For all we know, suspension was just another Tuesday for her.

Of all the recurring characters, who would’ve thought the dog would be one of them? 

...

But seriously, whose dog is this?

Delinquent girls laughing at dirty jokes is ironically wholesome to me.

“Do you’re best!” you say? All the evidence points to Ucchi finally going forward with her apology to Tomoko. Of course, Lady Luck will have it be that something will get in her way. And the way this is playing out, we’re going to have the single greater encounter this series’ has ever given us.

The fact that Ucchi can accuse this dog of being gross just because it kind of resembles Tomoko is so stupidly unrealistic and stupidly hilarious at the same time. Girl needs to start majoring in gross-ology. 

Poor Emoji Girl just had a Freudian Slip that sums up her Tomoko-philia. 

Probably the most reasonable “Gross!” Ucchi has said in a long time.

I wasn’t sure if Tomopup’s appearance was just artistic license, but it turns out the dog looks just as freaky to us as it does in-universe.

Huh. So unlike Yuri, Mako gets both the first name and -chan suffix? Maybe the girl’s just that naturally personable.

I feel like calling out Katou for asserting dominance would be a drastically unsupported claim that would be built upon unreasonable shipping desires.

But that piercing gaze of hers makes that notion hard to assert.

How the tables have turned, eh? I wouldn’t say Mako was being that hypocritical; more like she gained a bit of rebellion during the week while Yuri learned to restrain herself a little bit. A push and pull you could say. 

Is this foreshadowing for integrating Yoshida’s delinquent buddies into the Class 3-5 group? Please, please please make it so!

Anna really does like to look on the bright side of things, huh? It’s a great perspective to have around, especially when you have a Reina in your group, who tends to see the world around her as a half-empty glass.  

I’ve been made aware that Mrs. Yoshida was actually apologizing for her daughter’s actions and not her own, which suggests that blaming others whenever you can is in the family blood. Even so, Yoshida’s mom is unexpectedly adorable (though given who her daughter is, it’s not that surprising). Perhaps she and Mrs. Kuroki ought to start a support group for Mothers With Troublesome Daughters. 

Speaking of which, can we get Yuri’s mom in the picture, too, Nico? You know, for reasons...

Ditching her own mom when the lady had to take time out of her schedule to represent her daughter’s suspended ass? The Yoshida household sounds like a fun ride (I say “ride” because prolonged exposure to Yoshida’s family sounds dangerous). 

Not to toot my own horn, but I always knew that if a time ever came where Tomoko had to leave her mother behind to see her explicitly named friends, her mom would encourage her without question. 

When it comes to apologies, acknowledgments, and the like, Tomoko is always late to the party. But even if it's at the very last second, she’ll get around to it. Tomoko’s relationship with her mom is probably the least we’ve seen since their familial love has always been more implicit. So seeing Tomoko outright admit that she really does appreciate her mother is incredibly heartwarming. 

Hey, hey, hey! That looks like a callback to the afterparty Tomoko told her mom she was going to at the end of her second year. Looks like it really left a positive impression on TomoMom.  

Not gonna mince words–seeing Tomoko’s mom look so proud of her daughter brings a tear to my eyes. 

She’s never really admitted it before (as far as we know), but Tomoko’s mom really was concerned about her daughter’s lack of friends at the start of high school. Some have accused her of being a bad mother for not taking a more active role in Tomoko’s social growth, but I was never in that camp. Sure, TomoMom’s not perfect, and she could’ve shown more of an interest, but I think it did Tomoko some good that her mother never judged her. Expressing her concern without badgering her daughter is peak mothering right there.

To reiterate what every fan thought at this shot: This looks like a series finale.

It rare for a chapter to end so unabashedly happy like this, but that rarity makes it all the more sweeter when it does happen. It dials it up to eleven when you realize what this means for the series going forward. One of the uncertainties Watamote has addressed is the possibility that everyone will drift apart once high school ends. Well, this single moment gives us a little test on that theory. Even if Tomoko were to disappear for a week, her friends will still be there for her. And even if it doesn’t work out as well once they go out into the “real world”, it looks like, as her mom says, Tomoko will be fine now.

And thus the curtain falls on the Suspension Arc. We’ve still got a few hurdles to overcome, but for now, things look sunny in the world of Watamote.

[adventurousrecovery]

I Take The Fall

I have been hesitant to write this post for I feel he doesn’t deserve the time, I am wasting my time, and I don’t want to reflect on this bullshit. Unfortunately, it has been biting at me until I do as all things do that demand some sort of self-expression so that I may let them go.

A few weeks ago, my then boyfriend called while I was at counseling to express some sort of “concern”. “Concerns” were things that he was worried about and managed to overthink making whatever it was a bigger issue than it should have been or making an issue out of something I had never considered could be. During that conversation he expressed the possibility of breaking up and that maybe it should happen. By the end of the conversation, he convinced himself that we were to move forward with our relationship and looked forward to our trip to Indy the next day.

On the way to Indy, he finds the opportunity to express his “concern”. “During our conversation yesterday, you were hesitant in your responses to my questions and I find that concerning.” I explained to him that I was processing the information and what I was to say. I am uncertain of what turned the conversation, but again, he threw out the “maybe we should break up” card. This card had been played numerous times during our relationship and had emotionally taken its toll. Emotional uncertainty that contributed to my mental instability. Anytime things got bad, that was his move. Anytime I had a huge assignment to be due that consumed a great deal of time, he expressed "concern" followed by the "maybe we should breakup" card. Most of the time i did well to give him the time he demanded and my well-being and academics suffered.

I am not a fighter and I do not like conflict. I will not crawl on my hands and knees and beg that a relationship continue. Instead, I took the worm. “Okay.” I cried. I knew it was what I had to do because I could not continue with the emotional abuse. I cared which made it more difficult. By the time we had arrived at my OCD Specialist’s office, it was decided that the relationship was over, items would be exchanged, and he would spend the next hour overthinking my being quick to agree. I shared with my specialist what had just occurred. I was angry that I paid out of pocket, $175, to not focus on my OCD, but to discuss something unrelated and be in a situation with him that could have been handled elsewhere. Again, he wasted my time and resources. When I walked out he held the door open, but when we got in the car his whole demeanor changed. He became verbally aggressive. “So this confirms what I thought, that you have been dragging me around this whole time!.” Silence. He was so angry. He kept fidgeting in his seat which was something he only did when he was upset, but this time it was excessive. I braced myself. I waited. My body tense. I decided that should he lay a hand on me I would open the door and jump out or completely lose my shit, attack him, and grab the steering wheel in hopes of a wreck with the arrival of authorities. He didn’t touch me. Instead, he remained verbally aggressive. “Do we share any friends?”

“Um....no?”

“How about Jessica? I can give her your stuff and she can get it to you.” He didn’t even know her and it was extremely immature to bring someone into the situation who was never involved. I remained silent as he drove reckless through Indy. He brought up my sexuality and how I had attempted to explain it to him at the beginning of our relationship, "Maybe I should get in a car wreck so you might feel a deep emotional connection!" WTF. Wow. He was no different than my school and how they had treated me. Silence. “I know you’re not gonna talk.” Of course not, I was terrified. I also knew that my words did not matter for he had convinced himself of what he wanted to be the truth and I was not going to waste my time convincing him otherwise as I had done numerous times before. He tried to find control elsewhere.

“I think I am going to sell the Journey tickets.”

“Okay.”

“Try to get my money back.”

“Okay.”

It wasn’t the first time in my life someone had taken something that I loved and attempt to evoke a response so that they feel they have some sort of control. Thanks, mom and dad. He eventually shut up as my words were little to none. He was looking for a response to gain control and I was not going to give it. I didn’t know what to do so I prayed. I thanked God for this opportunity and what I had learned. I cried the whole way home. Halfway the silence was broken and we attempted to discuss things. I don’t remember the conversation, but I do remember he believed miscommunication to be the fault of everything. I told him I had been communicating. I called him numerous times a day. I told him what I was doing. I told him who I talked to. I told him everything in an attempt to make him feel better and because i thought it was my duty as a partner to be honest. Apparently, that wasn’t enough and I could not give anymore. By the time we arrived at my apartment he was convinced that we should give our relationship another chance. For two more hours we talked. We went to DD and I did not order anything for fear he might think I was using him or had been the whole time. I expressed that I would like to give the relationship another chance, but history was repeating itself. It was a cycle. He brings up a “concern”, I respond, we both discuss changes, only one of us works on them, and then it happens again. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I told him if we were to continue that I would have to see specific changes. He listened, but I knew better. He would fake it and the cycle would continue. I was also scared that if this was how he responded now, I did not want to postpone the inevitable and experience something worse. I eventually got out of his car and walked away. I had cried the whole damn day. My body was hurting from being tense.

During the length of our relationship I made some changes per his request and my thinking it was necessary. 1) I had changed my wardrobe when around others because he would ask, “You’re not going to wear that, are you?” I thought he was right and I should consider the appropriateness of what I wear in consideration of modesty and respect towards him. I hated it. 2) I told him everything I did in an attempt to bring him comfort and avoid "concern" but that backfired. He later expressed I was being too honest as I told him of men who made moves as I walked my dog andmen I found attractive so that he would hold me accountable. I would never act out, but I felt honesty was important in a healthy relationship. He asked I not tell him specific things. I told him I was not comfortable with his request of my being dishonest as it was a behavior that got me into a lot of trouble when I was actively using. If I were to start being dishonest, other old behaviors would surely follow and I would find myself "as sick as my secrets." 3) He did not actively pursue me. I was finally learning how to surprise him and bring in exciting elements which is something I greatly enjoy. It also contributed to my stress because I had to get creative in my approach as to tiptoe around his fears and insecurities. He had slowly stopped pursuing me and the effort was all mine. I made suggestions of things he could do and he accepted the ideas, but never took action. 4) I dove deeper into my faith so that I may seek direction as to how myself and our relationship could grow. We bought a devotional and downloaded the Bible app. These were things he agreed to and wanted, but again, he never followed through. 5) I disconnected from others. When it was over, I found myself sitting in my kitchen crying and not knowing who to call. I had removed myself from my support groups and isolated from those close to me to give him the time he so desperately demanded. It didn't matter for he would never see my effort because the things I valued were not what he valued. 6) I stopped standing up for myself. He expressed "concerns" that would result in 6-hour discussions with no change or outcome. He was simply seeking my time, even if it was something negative, because it put attention on him. I simply agreed, said what I knew he wanted to hear, and followed through with the necessary action. It killed me. 7) I lost almost 20 lbs. due to stress surrounding the relationship, work, and school. 8) I lost my sanity because of it. The stress got the best of me and I engaged in self-destructive behavior. I became someone I didn’t want to be and had worked so hard not to. I wasn’t so far gone to have lost myself. I recognized my downfall before it was too late.

I will not  fail to mention my part in the relationship. I expected too much. I assume that my capabilities to handle my extensive personal difficulties means that others may do the same. I feel my life is quite chaotic and stressful and most things in comparison are little. If I am able to handle the load I have been given and remain functioning than I expect others to handle their shit and then some. The thing is my shit is completely different. Often he would tell me, “You don’t see how busy I am. I am a single dad and I do it all.” Congrats. I was not impressed. In fact, I felt he did very little and was minimally involved with his son. Physical activity was not a strength. He was predictable, structured, and boring. Surprises “weren’t his thing.”

I was more upset with myself for having allowed everything to happen. Yes, I have been in an abusive relationship before and previously worked at a domestic violence shelter. I knew the signs. The things is, abuse is exhibited differently from person to person. I didn’t think it was abuse because it did not look like that of my previous relationship. It was more subtle. I made up excuses. I tolerated the harsh words, irrational thinking, and odd behavior. I internalized it all, blaming myself. However, I came to realize the pattern. 1) Life is great. 2) Obstacle 3) “Concerns” expressed 4) Tension 5) Seek resolution 6) Agree to make change 7) Apply temporary effort 8) Life is great. I knew that nothing changed if nothing changed and it wasn’t going to. I took his offer and I should have done so sooner.

I was saddened by the fact that I recognized he was a good person who handled things inappropriately. I encouraged him to take the time to pursue himself and that whatever time he needs to let me know. I would not die. I had tons of work to do and could keep myself busy. I don’t think it was ever taken as an opportunity for growth, but an attempt at me changing him. I knew I could not do that nor was it my job. He viewed it as me creating distance and becoming independent when in fact, I had always been independent.

I also had to be realistic and consider the progress of our relationship. 8 months had passed and I was only comfortable with hugging, nothing more. As much as I wanted to progress further, I had to ensure my personal safety and readiness. To advance further without being ready would have backfired and been upsetting if there was no emotional attachment. I didn’t feel an emotional attachment when hugging. Everything was awkward. Attempting to force something that wasn’t there would only do damage. He had expressed not knowing when and if it was okay to hold my hand. I found him attractive in moments he was assertive. 8 months and little progress. Yes, our relationship was different from others and cannot be compared, but if it took another 8 months to progress and no emotional attachment develop, it would only prove to be a waste of time. I felt enough time had been wasted. I did start distancing myself at the realization of our limitations, the cycle, and my sanity. I started protecting myself. I deleted pictures from my phone. I avoided spending time with him because I felt could not trust him and I feared whatever might happen.

I don’t regret my decision. I would not be able to get better if I was with someone who was just as sick. I am thankful for the experience as I was able to identify my strengths and weaknesses within a relationship as well as the necessary room for growth.

As a result, I developed personal guidelines:

1). I am not to date for a year.

2) I do not want to be in a relationship with someone who already has a child. I understand that will become more difficult as I get older, but for now it is not in the books for me.

3) I will not be afraid to be myself and if I should catch myself behaving otherwise, it is important I take note as to why.

4) Boundaries. I’m too fuckin nice. I HAVE to remember my sass! That is one of my favorite things about me!

5) Independence. I should not have to inform my significant other of every little thing that I am doing. 

6) I have to be more gentle with myself. I not only expect too much of other, but of myself. It is okay to recognize my limitations as they vary daily. Accept the situation and recognize my efforts.

7) Maintain momentum. Always forward, never back. Great things are accomplished by a series of small steps. It might not happen overnight, but I will look back one day and find myself on the other side.

[monkeymindscream]

Same Mandarin leader anon (which btw thank you very much for the detailed response. It made me look at things in a whole new light that made a lot of sense. Particularly made me appreciate even more Chiro being their link to a greater sense of humanity and in general). Since you were strictly trying to keep to what the show offered only, what are your headcanons/theories about that time regarding Mandarin and the team? Go crazy. =)

Don’t have to ask me twice!!

Literally my biggest headcanon for when Mandarin wasleading the team is that I don’t think he was actually evil at that point. Imean tbh I don’t think he’s (completely) evil after his time leading the Team; he definitely does a lot of evil things – in fact if we go off onlywhat’s seen in-show he’s even more monstrous than even Skeleton King himself –but I personally think that’s more the result of him being a deeply flawed individual rather thanfrom him being inherently malicious.

As I’ve said, I don’t think Antauri was just being optimistic when he said Mandarinhad once had a “good heart.” All other flaws aside, Antauri is incredibly perceptive, and I feelimplying that his character will overlook the bad to focus on the good is doinghim a huge disservice. Also wouldn’t it technically be oxymoronic if he was overlooking the bad to focus on thegood? Considering at that very moment he was also going on about how he sure he was that Chiro would be swayed by Mandarin, I mean? I find it more likely in this case that,while Antauri would have been awarethat Mandarin had… problems, let’scall it (otherwise we’ll be here all day), he’d have been able to see pastthose to the person(/monkey) he actually was underneath. It’s just thatunfortunately those problems were too much to for Mandarin to overcome, andthus began his downward spiral.

Adding to this, we’ve got the moment where Sprxsays “the kid is nothing like Mandarin.” Nothing is said to dispute this; thecamera simply cuts to Antauri and Otto who both look skeptical, which to meactually says more than any line of dialogue ever could.

Breaking it down, they could have cut to Mandarin and Chiro right after Sprx’s line. Infact considering the next shot we see of Chiro has him wearing both Mandarin’sold helmet and armor, they could have easily used it as a joke. “He’s nothinglike Mandarin!” *cut to Chiro straight-up jacking his style* ha ha funny. Butthey didn’t. The fact that theyincluded a shot of the characters just reacting to what was said, anddisbelievingly at that, draws attention to it in a way that makes the nextscene seem completely separate. Sprx’s line isn’t being used as a segue. Theinclusion of Otto in that shot is also interesting, considering his was thefirst one to speak out againstAntauri’s suspicions against Chiro.

Overall from a meta-standpoint it doesn’t makesense for the writers to have Antauri make this statement if there was nomeaning behind it.

I’d also like to point out that Antauri isn’t theonly one comparing Chiro and Mandarin. Freakin’ Skeleton King kind of did it too. Snidely, granted, but whenMandarin’s like “I’m keeping the kid feck off” SK asks him if it’s because heviews Chiro as a “reflection of himself.” You can interpret that as himsuggesting that Mandarin viewshimself as similar to Chiro (which is how I take it, tbh) rather than SK makingthe comparison, but I figured I’d point it out anyway. Food for thought.

“But Mandarin’s always been a jerk!” I hear someof you cry. “We were only ever shown him being horrible! And what about all thethings he did after he betrayed the Team, how can you defend that?!” Well firstoff, Phantom-Voices-From-Nowhere, I’m not “defending” anything. I’m saying thatI can make the argument that Mandarin isn’t evil,just fucked up on a number of levels. Second off, behold my counterpoints.

Prior to being booted off the Team, we’re onlydirectly shown two examples of how Mandarin might have behaved: the trainingroom incident with Nova, and how he behaved under the Alchemists care. With theAlchemist, we saw him both growl and Sprx and Nova, and then make the DarkOne’s containment grid malfunction. With the Sprx and Nova thing we couldconceivably attribute his behavior to the fact that the Alchemist had just toldthem to calm down, and they hadn’t. Any of y’all have younger siblings? You everdo the “Mom/Dad told you to (insertwhatever they’d said to do here)!” –thingin an effort to score brownie points? I did. I did that frequently. I was acomplete nark. Look me in the eye and tell me you can’t picture Mandarin beinga nark in his youthier years. Or maybe he was just annoyed by the racket theywere making and snapped (I did that alot too). Both are perfectly non-evil explanations for his behavior. Dick-moves,but not evil.

As for the grid thing… okay, tell me honestly, ifyou found out that a scientist hadlet a bunch of monkeys run rampant around his work station, and it resulted inone of them getting him seriously hurt, would your first thought be “oh my Godthat monkey is such an asshole!”? Or would it be “well what the hell did you think was gonna happen dumbass??” I loveya Al but this was poor planning on your part. I’m surprised you lived longenough to even be possessed by a Dark One in the first place tbh.

The Nova-thing is, let’s all agree, one of thedickiest moves anyone’s ever committed in the show, and it’s mind-bogglingalmost to the point of actually being impressive that the same monkey somehowmanaged to top it later. But I have never been of the mind that it was done forthe sake of sadism. Because okay, we’re never explicitly told that Nova hatesthe cold because of the training roomincident. We’re told that that’s why she has to control her anger. It still makes sense that thecold would now make her temper touchier than usual (poor girl’s probablytraumatized), but it seems more likely that Nova had always had an intensehatred of the cold, to the point where it debilitated her at least slightlywhenever the Team had to go on missions in cold climates. Not to the point towhere she couldn’t function in it, but enough where she wasn’t at peakperformance.

EVIDENCE: Regardless of her hatred of the cold,she is, as stated, still able to function in it. Apart from repeatedly voicingher discomfort, her rage being amped up is the only reaction we see her havetowards it. Given the extent to which the training room incident clearlyaffected her (so much as referencing it, even vaguely, is enough to make her and the rest of the Team stop dead), Ikind of feel that she’d have a more visceral reaction to the cold if the reasonshe hated it was because it had become a trigger for what happened. So if thiswas a problem before everything went pear-shaped, I can see Mandarin – after aseveral instances of going “come ON woman, get it together!!” – being like“Okay yeah no we’re not doing this anymore. Nova come down to the training roomlater we’re ironing this out tonight this is getting ridiculous.” Because he’s Mandarin and he has the sensitivity of amalfunctioning chainsaw, so of course immersiontherapy is the way to go (you absolute fucking walnut). Again, not evil, justan asshole.

Also, regardless of what I said here, another headcanon I have is that he did care about the Team, if only in hisown demented way. I mean I stand by what I said about him using/enjoying theposition’s ability to give him power, and I’d have to be snorting somethinghardcore to believe that a considerable portion of his motivation in-showwasn’t vengeance, but there ain’t no damn way that he didn’t have any emotional investment in the Teamitself. I made a tiny post that pointed outtrace evidence of this, but basically when it comes out that Ma and Pa Cinco arecrazy cult people, Mandy’s clone, upon seeing how upset Chiro is, sneers athim: “I see Antauri hasn’t taught you life’s first lesson: trust no one.”

Like… where the hell did that even come from??Why did he specifically pick Antauri to be teaching Chiro that “lesson”? I meanyou could argue it was because Antauri is Cheerio’s mentor, but wouldn’t heknow that Antauri’s the kind of person who’d teach the exact opposite of that message (and does, at the end of the same episode)? Isthere literally any other way to interpret this than he feels that Antauri (andby extension, the rest of the Team) taught himthat lesson when they threw him in the HOOP? I’m genuinely asking here, I’m inso deep I can’t even tell anymore.

Anyway what I’m getting at is that if the Team did teach Mandarin to “trust no one”with what they did, then it implies that he did, in fact, trust them.Apparently to such a degree that he decided that if they couldn’t be trusted, then noone could.

(Or y’know alternatively this was his solely his clone speaking, and doesn’t necessarily completelyreflect the original’s current views. Basically like “Look where trustingpeople got him. That’s not going to be me. I’m smarter than that.” Either wayit still suggests the original to have held some degree of trust for the rest.)

And I just realized how long this response is getting. I have a lot more to say, and I’mnot entirely certain I stuck to topic and didn’t just ramble for 2+ pages, soif you want me to continue or would like a more specific opinion on anything,just shoot me another ask. Thanks for sticking with this longass thing if yougot all the way to the bottom here!

[sinsiriuslyemo]

SVU: episode 8, Intent

Okay so, I just watched the new episode. I know some people haven’t watched it yet, so I’m going to be leaving the spoiler commentary under the cut.

Initial Thoughts

This episode was fairly well done with respect to the balance between the case and the “extra” scenes, and by extra I mean the look into the personal live. I thought the pacing was done well; the case was the main attraction, which I’ve said time and time again should be the formula of this show, always. As far as the personal story lines, I have some thoughts, which will be under the cut like I said above to respect those who don’t want any spoilers. I will say this though, I’m failing to see the point anymore with respect to the Sheila/Liv/Noah story line. The Rollins/Carisi scene was awkward at best, and almost seemed like different characters we were watching in my opinion. So...on to the spoilers...

The Case

I thought the case was innovative, and fresh. We really haven’t had a case like this one before, so I very appreciated that. We’ve catfishing stories, but none quite like this where it was both sides being catfished. Steve Howey was amazing as “The Monster,” I really enjoyed his guest star role, and it was kind of refreshing to see a pro fighter portrayed this way because not all of them are ‘tough guys’ in and out of the ring.

I also very much loved that he took that plea deal, because he could see that even though he was led to believe one thing, he did end up violating someone.

“That’s a man!!” is legit what I yelled out as I was watching the episode.

I loved that we saw plenty of Barba in this episode as well, and that the case and it’s complexities were center stage.

As far as the actual perp goes, I wish we had seen just a little bit more of how this evidence that Carisi found had been discovered. Now, granted this may have made for a bit of a boring scene, and I loved the bar scene between Liv/Rafael/Carisi but if the perp only had 6 followers on Instagram, and with her mother’s illness and her having to care for her, this leads me to believe that she didn’t post very often.

Also, a bit of a plot hole with the police officer from West Virginia saying, “her voice sounded familiar” and then identifying her as the poster on Reddit, but later Barba only references text posts. Does this mean that the WA officer was referring to her ‘voice’ as a writer? Or was he referring to her actual voice, which would make more sense to me-- if she didn’t have many followers, how would he recognize her writer’s voice enough to be able to say, she’s this user?

In the end, as a whole, I did enjoy the case as catfishing happens all the time and to so many people. It is something that needs to be brought to light that most times this seemingly “innocent” thing can very much go wrong, too far, and have a lasting impact on the unsuspecting victims.

The Rollisi-almost-kissed-and-then-Sonny-was-butthurt Scene

This entire sequence was awkward. Awkward, awkward, awkward. From the scene where they almost kiss to Sonny’s behavior the next day, and what we can infer was a day or two later. I don’t enjoy that the writers are so quick to have Amanda hook up with her partners (except for Fin because, let’s be real, Fin wouldn’t go there ever). Honestly, she’s changed as a character after she had Jesse, and while this scene was away from home, away from her motherly duties and a time where she got to just be a cop again, it felt as though we were watching the old Amanda.

I definitely didn’t like that feeling of “taking two steps back” with regard to her demeanor during and after. Not so much during, but absolutely after, where as @missjennifercole pointed out to me last night while she was watching the episode, she basically suggested that she would in fact sleep with Sonny if given the opportunity. This just doesn’t sound like the Amanda that she as a character has grown into. It sounds like the just-got-here Amanda.

Let’s also not forget that she and Declan (which if you remember, is Jesse’s father) parted on good terms. Eventually his assignment will be over, and he may very well come back to New York in order to try and build a relationship with his daughter, and for all we know he may even want to try building one with Amanda as well. The writers really should be keeping that in mind when they write for her. This isn’t to say that she can’t sleep with someone if she wants to. She is, after all a single mother, but she’s a mother first and foremost, so this thing with Buck the bartender likely happened because she was away from home and there was no way they would ever see each other again.

Had this scene taken place in New York, it likely would have turned out differently.

I’m sorry to the Rollisi shippers (whom if I’m not mistaken are also upset about how this scene went) but that almost-kiss was so awkward. It was not natural or organic at all. Now that I’m thinking about it, I’d like to offer a fresh perspective on this scene...

If you really watch their movements before the almost-kiss, one could argue that it wasn’t an almost-kiss at all, and that they were just super drunk and close together. The reason Carisi was so butt-hurt afterward was because as far as he knew Amanda had turned a new leaf after having Jesse with regard to her love life. Meaning that she was more weary of having one night stands with strangers, and it wasn’t that he was butt-hurt at all, but that he was disappointed in her as a friend.

I’m not saying this is what I think, especially with the last scene where they acknowledge (don’t acknowledge) their time in West Virginia, but it’s possible. Also, while she was talking about ‘sometimes you sleep with someone you love, and sometimes you sleep with someone you don’t,’ you would think she would have brought up their ‘almost-kiss’ and either tell him that she wanted them to stay friends, or that she was interested in seeing if there was anything there.

All of that said, Carisi’s initial reaction was realistic, but the shortness in his attitude towards her in that last scene was absolutely out of character. This is someone he’s grown incredibly close with in the last couple of seasons, and it almost felt like this incident with Buck the bartender had him reevaluating their friendship. He’s seen other people in the past, so this doesn’t make sense for Sonny if he was jealous and it was making him want to back away from the friendship.

Hurt, yes maybe, because it’s pretty rude to decline sleeping with someone and say that you’re tired, and then go out and bring someone else home and sleep with them. Now, we don’t know the circumstances; maybe Buck came to the motel, and Amanda just let him in. We don’t know for sure that she went back out to find him, so...that’s just some food for thought.

Listen guys, I love all my Rollisi shippers, I truly do, but I maintain that these two are just better served as friends. One, because Rollins is the kind of character who has immensely benefited from having a platonic male friend in her life, that truly cares for both her well-being and that of her daughter’s. Secondly, I really want them to break away from having Amanda sleep with all of her partners. That was the old Amanda, she’s grown since then. If you’re going to give her a love-interest, have it be with someone that reflects her growth, not brings her back to old habits.

I’m sure some will argue that Sonny is no Nick, and they would be right, but we’ve seen that having relationships within the squad never works. And I would hate to lose the camaraderie that we all love between Sonny and Amanda.

The Liv/Noah/Sheila Trainwreck

I’m not gonna lie, this story line is not looking good. It seems to me that the writers simply wanted to give Olivia something interesting to work through this season, and thought, “Okay, let’s make Ellie’s mom actually be alive. That’ll cause some friction.”

The problem is that it hasn’t been handled very well at. Let’s start with the fact that Live seemed like she was against Sheila even being in Noah’s life in the first place. This could be explained by the fact that Sheila was coming at her sideways, and luckily that was resolved relatively quickly.

Now the whole, Noah asked about Ellie thing; he never said, my mom or my real mommy. He just said, “Ellie,” which would indicate to me that Sheila (as she later clarified) mentioned her in passing, but likely did not identify Ellie as his real mother. What is the problem if Noah gets to know Ellie as Ellie now while he’s young so that when he gets older and Liv decides to tell him the truth about his mother, he already has some kind of attachment to her? Honestly, what the hell would be so bad about that?

I don’t believe that Sheila slipped in the sense that she revealed to Noah that Ellie was his real mother because she is wanting to stay on Liv’s good side. Therefore, she would be cautious about saying things like that. Mentioning Ellie in passing, however, is more realistic and in my opinion totally harmless. Ellie could be anyone; she could be an aunt or a cousin as far as Noah is concerned. So Liv lowkey freaking out over Sheila mentioning Ellie is a little over the top.

Now the damn kidnapping. This is obviously and more than likely something that will tie back to Olivia, but what the hell is this show-runner trying to pull? Honestly. I suppose it could be someone that is somehow tied to Ellie, but who would possibly do that? And I swear if they’re trying to pull the, “Oh my Gosh! Ellie isn’t dead, she was just afraid of testifying against Johnny D! WHAAAAAAAATTTTTT?!” they are seriously going to fuck up with this fandom.

It was one thing that Ellie’s mother was still alive, but to put this baby, this child through hell and have it be for absolutely nothing at all would be a huge disservice both to the show and to the fandom. So I’m hoping this isn’t the case.

But then who else could it have been?

William Lewis is dead. So is Johnny D.

This leaves either a random perp whom Olivia convicted or investigated some time ago (we’ve seen that before) or someone who is connected to Ellie, but is not Ellie herself.

I suppose it’s also possible that there is no connection at all and this was just a random stranger/kidnapper. It does happen. Though, Noah didn’t make a sound, so this might be indicative to him either recognizing the person or being drugged, in which case, is there security footage available? We won’t know this until the show comes back.

Also, I just need to say this as a mother myself-- Did anyone else arch a brow at Liv’s reaction to the phone call, that likely went something like this:

Sheila: *hysterical voice* Liv, you need to come meet me right now. I can’t find Noah. I only took my eyes off him for a second as I was grabbing a coat off the rack, but he’s gone Liv! He’s gone! I can’t find him! Please come now!

Liv: *almost-facepalm*

Seriously? That’s it? You were just told that your son is missing, and that’s the reaction you have? Now, being frozen is one thing-- we saw that with Sheila. She froze, but slowly we saw the panic setting in as she looked around frantically, low-key hyperventalating while she looked for her grandson. We could see the thought process in her facial expression going from, “Please let this be a joke, and he’s just hiding somewhere,” to “Omg, where the fuck is he?! No, this can not be happening!”

Liv, however...she gave me the “not again” feels big time. Had she expressed facially similar emotions as Sheila, I wouldn’t be pointing this out, but if anyone has a screenshot or made a gif of that last shot in the episode, please reblog and leave it up and just look at that damn mug right now.

Are you for real?

Beyond that, they need to leave Noah alone. The story line is getting old already, and it’s not as though they don’t have other characters they could do story lines with, first of all. Secondly, if this shit keeps happening to Noah because Liv is his mother, how are we supposed to believe that child services won’t get involved at some point?

Why can’t we have parenting story lines that are relatable? I want to see Noah throwing a tantrum because he doesn’t get his way. How does Liv deal with that? I want to see Noah getting into trouble at school or Noah mouthing off, because it happens. He’s a kid. Give us kid troubles to grow the character and grow Liv as a mother. Don’t put a kid who’s already been through a lot of trauma through more trauma for the sake of making things interesting.

It isn’t fair to the Olivia Benson character and more over it isn’t fair to the viewers. Period.

Final Thoughts

Ultimately, I enjoyed the episode but as far as the subplots are concerned, we’ll just have to see how they handle the aftermath/resolutions. It’s hard to gauge at this point, but both plot points had very rocky jump-starts. I did however love that the case took center stage, as that’s how all episodes should be formatted. And there was an acceptable amount of Barba in the episode, so there’s always that.

Let me know in the comments below what your thoughts were! Do you agree with the things I pointed out? Do you have different interpretations/views? I’d love to hear from you!!

[mrtroy]

A Small Glow in the Night

“Did you ever think our Saturday nights would come to this?”

My best buddy posed this question as he and I stood shoulder to shoulder about 150 yards from the finish line of Naperville, Illinois’ annual Glow Run 5K.

As we stood there, huffing and puffing from the run, a million thoughts ran through my head. On one hand, I never thought – at 33 years old – that I would be spending a Saturday night in the town where I grew up running a charity 5K with 1,200 other folks with varying degrees of running ambition.

Also at that moment, though, I realized how glad I was that everything that was unfolding that night was unfolding just the way it was.

Our running group of five – a rag-tag bunch if there ever was one – had signed up for the race as a way to continue to meet our goal of doing one run per month. We’re not hardcore runners, per se. But, we enjoy getting out and sweating from time to time.

One of us is in his 60s. Sometimes one of his friends runs with us, too. My buddy and I are 33. His girlfriend also runs with us most races. As does his younger sister.

We have run a half marathon together, however, most of the races we do are 5 and 8K in distance.

It’s a nice distance because you do need to train for the event in order to do well, but at the same time, you don’t necessarily have to commit major effort to a regimented training program. For our level of skill and commitment, it works perfectly.

The Chicago area – and many other areas for that matter – are chock full of races like this, and in my view at least, it’s a great way to stay active as an adult; to have some fun with friends, and challenge yourself both physically and mentally.

--

The last few months have been an interesting mental challenge for me. I’ve been feeling like I’m ‘stuck’ a bit in between seasons of life. On one hand, I love where I live, I’m healthier physically than I have been in ages, I’m established enough at work to the point where I feel confident in my abilities to be able to do what I need to do there…

But on the other hand, I wonder a lot about the future. Am I doing things now that are going to produce outcomes I find desirable in the future? I would love a family at some point. Is that in the cards? How do I settle in to the point where I don’t have to move every year or so as I have been for the last decade? Is my job / career path something that is compatible with a family? And maybe most mentally taxing, how do I go about living out my faith on an everyday basis? What does that look like? How do I want that to look like?

--

If you’ve read much of this blog, you may be clenching a fist at this point. Man, why so heavy? Why so much introspection? Why so much contemplation about all of this? Over and over you’ve written about these same things… just live, man. Just live.

Yes. Yes, I know.

I’m trying.

And the Glow Run 5K helped.

--

As I stepped to the starting line for the race, a sea of florescent yellow shirts surrounded me on every side. Since the run was a fundraiser that supported an education fund, many of the runners were school-aged kids. Chiefly elementary and middle schoolers, to be more exact.

I watched them closely.

Their mannerisms and actions were so different than the behavior I normally observed at races where the participants’ average age was twenty years older.

These kids were full of energy. The race started at 8:15 PM, so for many of the younger ones, this was a special treat even to be able to stay up so late. And boy, did the energy levels reflect it. Kids were milling about with their friends as we waiting in the starting corrals for the signal to blast off.

I smiled in anticipation, knowing that a lot of these kids were going to run as fast as they could right out of the starting gate, and run out of gas nearly immediately. Pacing isn’t exactly something 3rd graders are great at…

Sure enough, the race got underway, and within moments, hundreds of four-foot tall bottle rockets shot out of the starting gate. When I was about 10 years old, my family won a trip to Disney World, and while there, I remember going to the Typhoon Lagoon water park. It had this big wave pool, and I’ll never forget my father – genuinely intrigued by the spectacle going wading into the pool. Soon after, a new artificial wave generated, and hundreds of kids ran past him towards the front of the pool. Seconds later, the huge wave came and knocked him off his feet. He had such a shocked look on his face, like, whoooooa, I’m too old for this, I’m gonna get killed out here…

Well, that’s pretty much how I felt as a hundred little pip-squeaks bolted past me out of the starting gates of this race. Their shoulders hit my arms and hands as they ran by. Some brushed along my legs. I officially felt old as if I was swatting away bugs as they ran by. I was that middle-aged person who, in his head, was thinking, ‘these meddling kids….’

But then, a cool thing happened.

They kept running. They kept smiling.

Some kids ran very fast, and then turned around to look for their friends. Some called back to their friends as their sides began to hurt and urged them to keep going. Some parents ran with their kids in support. Some kids zoomed past their parents and shot them looks like, ‘you’ll never catch me, Mom!’

As we ran through the night, the sky got a little darker, and the neon-colored shirts stood out a little more.

Inevitably, many of the eager rabbits couldn’t quite keep up their early pace, and in my very measured way, I started to methodically pass a lot of runners. My own pace was a bit faster than usual – no doubt buoyed by the fact that I subconsciously wanted to keep up with 9-year old contemporaries.

We ran through a few neighborhoods with families out in their driveways cheering us on. Neighbors played music, and hung some decorations over the street to create a festive atmosphere at about the halfway point of the race.

As I hit the 2-mile point, I kicked into a higher gear. At the 2.5 mile mark, I caught and passed my buddy. I didn’t hate that…

Soon after, I noticed a young girl. She looked to be 10 or 11, and I realized I had seen her earlier in the race too.

She was still moving at a very impressive clip and was just out ahead of me with about a half mile to go in the race. I was pacing at about eight minutes per mile – not a breakneck speed for competitive runners – and I kept waiting for the young girl to fade.

I saw a small uphill stretch coming up, and figured I would lean into the hill, dig deep for some energy and pass her as we came out of it…

And so, I tried that.

We hit the hill with her about two steps ahead.

I focused on using my arms, breathing evenly. I felt my legs burn as the hill intensified ever so slightly. I was a step behind her now.

I didn’t notice anything different about her gait. She just kept running.

And then, out of the corner of her eye, she saw me. She saw me gain a little ground, and that forced her to turn things up a notch. She dug down, and lengthened the gap to another three steps.

As we came out of the hill, I could feel the lactic acid building throughout my body. But, there was no way an 11-year old would be able to keep this up. None whatsoever.

So, I kept digging. I knew eventually she would fade.

Ahead, I got my first view of the inflatable blue finish-line marker. Probably about a quarter mile to go…

I dug deeper to gain on my pre-tween foe. Two strides behind. One. A half.

I was right behind her now.

And then, she saw me again. Gah.

As soon as she saw me again, she glanced back, and then forward again. She put her head down, presumably bit her lip, dug real deep for the last bit of energy from her bowl of Lucky Charms that morning… and preceded to just dust me over the last few hundred yards of the course.

I came flying across the finish line, but she was still a full two steps ahead.

I could not believe it. Every bit of what I thought I knew about pacing, and strategy and everything I thought I knew about her capability.. I was flat wrong.

She didn’t run out of gas. She wasn’t foolish in her approach. Just because something seemed a certain way in my head didn’t mean it would play out that way on the race course.

As I made my way through the mob of finishers, I tried to catch a glimpse of the girl who defeated me, but she had blended into the crowd, and I was never able to get another glimpse of her.

I looped back around to go watch the end of the race and look for the other members of our running group.

A minute later, my buddy joined me and made the comment I shared at the beginning of this post.

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No, I never could imagine this being what we would do on Saturday nights. Chasing down little kids in a glow-themed race. Never in a million years.

But, then again, so much of what has happened in my life has been so different than I ever would have thought. Truthfully, I don’t know if you can ever prepare yourself for ‘random Saturday nights when you’re in your mid-30s.

When I first met my buddy, we were 14 years old – not much older than many of the kids we had just run with.

We didn’t know about pacing ourselves in races. Heck, we’d never run a 5K race in the first place. We went to college together and had no idea what we were doing there, either. We got jobs where we were initially clueless. We each bought houses and were generally uninformed about how to best do that. We’ve navigated relationships, careers, re-locations, the health of our parents, our siblings and how they all get along…

For all of the planning, and pacing and strategizing, we’ve never known exactly the best way to go about things.

And yet, here we are.

On random Saturday nights, running around halfway in the dark, and we’re finding our way.

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I’m overly guilty of over thinking, but as I saw each of the runners finish that night, I realized that each of us runs our own race. Whether the 11-year old beat me or not, I clenched my teeth, I dug deep, and in the grand scheme of things, I did what I needed to do. I got out. I ran with my friends, and I had fun.

It was an unexpectedly good night.